#and i need to clean my place and do laundry…..
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riding public transportation doing my laundry buying things from cvs studying along to the minecraft music to help me perform my tasks
#caroline talks#anyways guys i realized i have two (2) calls to make today with two different attorneys#and i am. so sleepy.#and i need to clean my place and do laundry…..#so we will do that. as soon as this train takes me to my place#besties no one will ever tell u how exhausting that like. traveling is.#i was on one train for 4 hours#and now I’m on this other train for about 30 more minutes#i love u public transportation but also sigh
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I need to clean my room but I can't clean my room because in order to clean my room I have to clean my room
#actuallyautistic#actually autistic#autism#autistic#autism spectrum disorder#like i need to clear off my bed/change sheets/and start that laundry first#but i cant do that because i dont have enough hangers to put away the clean clothes currently on my bed#so i need to go through my closet and get rid of stuff#i need to do thaf anyway because i got some new clothes and i have a bunch of stuff that im not going to wear#but i cant do that because i dont have anywhere to put the stuff i want to get rid of#ya know until i can actually take it to the thift store or whatever#and i dont have space because i need to pick up the stuff on the floor#but some of that stuff has to go certain places that i cant get to rn#because theres stuff on the floor
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😭🏡
#Sometimes I think to myself: wow I’ve gotten so far with staying calm and not catastrophizing anymore ! 🥰#But then there are times like right NOW where I am so scared to go back to my house for no good reason 😭#My landlady texted me an hour ago saying my flatmate is moving at the end of October and she is doing a viewing later today#And ???? Uhm hello what’s with the short notice ????#My laundry is still up on the line ! I might need to rinse some mugs in the sink ! There will be a stranger there ughhh 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I’m rushing to get home now so I can clean because it makes me feel physically sick knowing they will be inspecting everything together 😭😭#(I am literally sick rn and was resting at my bf’s place- but this makes me feel even worse)#& what if this new person is awful and I’ll be forced to choose between living with them or moving somewhere else :(#Next time I move I want to live alone but that’s only affordable faaaar from Paris 🫠 (if I can even find a place!) 😭
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Explaining my hare brained schemes as to why I work so much and what I’m doing every day makes me sound like an actual psycho
#like y’all im about to go to school and move across my state i’m just working constantly to get my savings up so i wont be breaking my back#trying to pay bills while im also in school full time standing and cutting hair every day#and also i have two jobs rn and cook every day and help my family by doing in home care for my grandpa#which isnt really a job#i get paid for it prob like an extra $100 a month but i only do it because they need the help and cant afford a nurse and the va wont cover#one even though he can hardly walk and cant lift anything and is blind and deaf#its actually bullshit#they only cover me for like 6 hrs a week or smth but i definitely do a lot more#so basically im exhausted as fuck every day#💀😭 but im getting my education soon and going on a cruise next yr#so i’ll be alright#goth girl on the boat is going to be awesome#i have 2 swimsuits but i wanna get a couple more#and some pretty dresses to wear in the evenings#i havent rlly drank much at all since i turned 21 so 22 will be the yr i get plastered on the cruise#i dont even rlly smoke anymore#i havent actually BOUGHT weed in 4 months now#i got weed for my bday#sometimes i have the occasional edible#but ive cut down so so much and have just stopped smoking entirely#not that i wouldnt socially or anything#but asthma. smoking is bad for me. my asthma is actually hugely caused by a lifetime of secondhand smoke.#and ive also been cooking dinner every night#and working out a lot again#so im actually doing great rn#😭 need to clean my place but its so hard to find the energy with everything else im doing#but i swore to myself id do it today#and i think my roommate would be glad if i did my fucking laundry#ignore my grammatical errors or i’ll bite you#i need like… a good dicking.. or a good fingering…. or head
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podcast people, what do you do whilst listening to your podcasts??
#id be cleaning rn but i brought down the laundry#& there werent any bags upstairs so i just carried the whole basket down#thats what i usually do#i know putting it back in the bags is smarter but i prefer this way okay#anywayss bc there is no laundry basket i have no place to put dirty rags#considering the next step is to clean the toilet & sink thats pretty important#i could probably change my sheets now#but i dont want to#bc i hate changing sheets#worst task ever#id clean 3 toilets a week if i never had to change any sheets again#cant vaccuum bc its too late in the day#i did the litterboxes#cant clean the windows bc rags#cant mop bc i need to vaccuum first#the other stuff i dont want to do#like dusting & rearranging stuff#bc those are tasks you do when youve cleaned everything else yknow#so anyways i want to listen a bit more but i have nothing to do while i listen#& i cant pay attention like that#but also i cant do most things bc they get me distracted#it has to be something very mindless#mine
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pros of having plans with friends: friends
cons of having plans with friends: plans
#lily talks#worse bc i don't know if this will take place and it's supposed to be tomorrow#i have zero energy and there's so much i'd have to get done beforehand#i really just want to stay in bed today and recharge the social battery so i'll actually be able to enjoy this#but if i'm going out tomorrow i will need to go shopping today and wash my hair and if my friend comes over i will need to clean and the#trash needs to be taken out and i need to do dishes and do laundry and-#the list just keeps going and i am so overwhelmed
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me when i don’t see a simgerale post 😔 IMY but i know ur busy <3
anna!!!! </3 i miss you too!! life is rolling along and i find that adulting requires more of my time than ever )^: that said, i’ll be near my pc for two weeks so maybe i’ll do some sim things?? we will see 💛💛
#ask#sublimesims#trying to have other hobbies is hard#i started reading and then promptly got overwhelmed by how it would take my time when I need to help cook and clean and adult#back in the day I would sim all day and my parents would make dinner and I’d just be chilling#now I’m like wait I am in charge of making sure I am fed now lol#sounds so silly and childish but it’s something my brain is trying to balance#with work and also doing laundry and also planning a wedding#btw we landed on a venue ! it’s just a family friend’s place#but the field didn’t work out so this should be nice#it has bathrooms and power so it’s already an upgrade lol#and my mom hired a photographer#and we’re looking into someone for catering rn#and I’ve got two wedding showers to go to already in august and September that people are kindly throwing for us#and this is just wedding stuff! we’ve also got to pack and move at the beginning of July#not looking forward to that#to moving yes to packing no#while I’m home these two weeks I’m going to be trying to pack and donate what I can#and I’m dog sitting / house sitting this week as well#(hoping a little pocket cash can help with wedding stuff lol)#and we have to figure out where we want to go for our honeymoon#we’re thinking italy because Japan is actually very pricey to visit in the winter#who knew#and also I’m like the state of the world could be in disarray for all we know#i've rambled far too long!!! sorry guys!! love you all
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i have GOT to get some more (preferably somewhat physical) hobbies. where i'm at now, it takes me less than three days of free time to turn into a puddle of depressed goo. unfortunately i also hate change, and being a static puddle of depressed goo is easier than forcing myself to try new things.
#me: yeah i really hate going places and doing things in my free time#also me: why do i just want to sleep all day#all i've done this weekend is watch youtube and scroll on my phone and play zelda#and i enjoy all those things but i need more enrichment in my enclosure#also i'm now old enough that sitting all day for days in a row kills my back and neck#i know i need to do something different i just need to fucking do it#i'm gonna clean and do laundry and it's not gonna fix me but it should help a tiny bit#j.txt
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Today has been A Day and it's only 11a in San Francisco.
#geeky talks#geeky 2022 trip extravaganza#first we had issues with our boarding pass working#when trying to get past security#then my purse and shoes had to go through the xray thing#three times because it kept just coming up blank#and now the hotel we're at#despite stating they have it on the site#doesn't actually do dry cleaning or laundry#can't stand when places say they do something somewhere#and then when you actually try to get it done#they're like nope lol#i very deliberately only brought half the dresses i needed#because i figured i could get them cleaned#about half way through the trip
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GOD I'd rather clean the bathrooms than write this fucking thing
#blah blah blah#thesisposting#i need something but i dont know what#im feeling deeply mentally ill but i HAVE to turn this in tomorrow night#it is so beautiful out today and i dont get enough fresh air or sunlight at work#i mean it is too cold for me to want to go outside ayway but i dread looking at my computer in the kitchen#i need something! but i dont know what!#i misplaced a check i need to deposit and i need to get a new checkbook for myself and i need to put away laundry and put clean sheets on#and i need to vacuum my rug and clear surfaces in my room and learn how to recycle or upcycle EVERYTHING in the world right now immediately#i want to do crafts!!!!!!!! but im missing some tools and also my motivation#inserts picture of standing in the middle of your room like this [frazzled looking person in fight or flight but acrually freeze stance]#you know the one#hhh. okay gonna put on socks and go to my mommy's house bc thats the Only place i seem able to write#i also need a new water bottle and stuff. i need to hydrate and feed myself better djfjskdjfkddk#being a person is hard!!#brain soup on main sorry but also not sorry this is My blog i do what i want
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spent the whole afternoon cleaning/organizing and you can barely tell. what if i walked into the ocean and was never seen again
#like EYE know my place is cleaner and i feel much better about it#bc 90% of the floor has been swept/vacuumed/mopped so it no longer looks/feels gross to walk on#and there's no longer a giant pile of clean but unfolded laundry and a laundry drying rack dominating half the room#(except for my cloak and some stuff that needs mending and some socks that i may or may not wear again before doing laundry)#and i washed my kitchen floor mats and my pantry has been somewhat organized so i can at least close the door#and i cleaned all the old science experiments out of my fridge and washed the bathroom sink#and i took stuff that had been sitting in open packages forever out of said packages#and i pulled all the cushions off my couch to re-fluff them and vacuum the liner#(which i haven't done in so long there was?? a whole ass butter knife in there?? that i apparently lost in my couch at some point??)#and i went grocery shopping and restocked on a bunch of essentials and bought stuff for a few meals#but my bed is still unmade and all my tables are still covered with junk and my kitchen counter is a mess#so it LOOKS like i haven't cleaned at all even though this was the most i've cleaned in months#i'm proud of myself but also i wish visually it looked cleaner
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lskfkfjf been cleaning out my kitchen for the past 4 days and im finally done wiping everything down n can start moving things back in... so instead ive just rearranged my room again <3
#relaxing with some 3 baskets of unfolded laundry.#the fridge is. tenatively rearranged but it needs a proper rearrange#i just. theres so much stuff to put back i wanna live in my completely clean n bare kitchen for a bit.#looks so good without all the no assigned place clutter#the problem with my kitxhen is the pantry is a fucking nightmare bc its a tiny one in the corner#except on the inside its super deep#like u cant walk in or anything bc its just a small corner to access stuff so shit just gets lost in there#so i wanna not use it for food n instead for like stacking appliances#but that means everything has to shift from where it was n i just dont wanna do that yet im so tried
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I really hate how much my brain hates to do new things sometimes
#oops i’m ranting in the tags apparently#tw for uhh depression and anxiety and eating difficulties in the tags if you read them#i made it to the door of a cafe two blocks from my flat#i’ve walked past it a dozen times in the six months i’ve lived here#and the menu looks good it’s coffee and breakfast foods and sandwiches#and they have donuts from a donut place i like#but it’s in a building with like three doors right next to each other and i didn’t know which one it was#and now i do bc i thought to check the address online#and made it to the door but it looks small and there were People there because it’s like noon duh#and i couldn’t see if there was more table just by peeking through the window while trying to look like i wasn’t peeking in#so i stood a foot away from the door and then left and went to my normal coffee place one block in the other direction#but i still haven’t gotten FOOD which is … not great i haven’t eaten anything in a couple days#i mean i had chinese food that i split between sat and sun as my lunch at work#but i should probably eat something but i’m tired of only going to the chipotle near safeway or the pizza bar which isn’t open yet anyway#which leads us back to i hate my brain and i’ll probably just end up getting chipotle again#but there are so many local restaurants that i want to try!! but i’m so picky about food while also hating to ask for modifications#and i used up most of the energy today dragging myself into the shower for the first time in dayss#and i need to do laundry and go grocery shopping and do the dishes and and and#and i’m still fucking exhausted even though i passed out on the couch last night and didn’t drag myself out until like 11 am#and i have work tomorrow so laundry NEEDS to happen because i worked eight days in a row and have zero clean work clothes#and i can hear my stomach growling at me because coffee was not enough and i know better and i’m really not trying to starve myself to death#but goddamn i just don’t want to have to do anything#i hate this#why brain why#mental health: deteriorating#my ramblings
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girls will watch their mothers struggles and then be like Wow im never going to be like her, only to end up like their father instead
#my mom is such a helpless person. it makes me angry sometimes.#she wont do anything herself. she wont go grocery shopping alone. she wont clean if im not already cleaning.#she wont take out the trash or check the mail or do her laundry#and if she sees something that needs to get done she'll ask me to do it instead of just doing it herself#thats what kills me#today she broke her glasses and instead of just picking out a place to go get new ones#she texted me asking to find somewhere and make an appointment for her#im not your mom!#your a 65 year old woman! you can call eyeglass world yourself!#if the phone is in your hands instead of texting me call your optometrist. it makes 0 sense#and i told her i signed up for insurance already and im going to my old dr and shes like you dont want to go get our eyes checked together#no???#she thinks we're twins. that we have to do everything together or i should do everything for her#she gets all sad when i go hang out with my friends and im at the point where i want NO codependency in my life#if you cant do shit by yourself i cannot respect you#and i dont want to tell her my plans because she puts herself in them. and hiding what im doing is something my dad did#and like...i get it now.#i dont want to tell her anything. i dont want to do anything for her#i mean yeah im fairly independent but at the expense of not telling my mom when im out so she cant ask me to do her shopping
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going to be back in my home state seeing harry with a friend in just six days now.....
#i haven't been back to socal proper since 2017 and i'm so excited#stressing getting everything ready rn but i'll fine i'll be ok!!#in prep though i'm still speedwriting my subrry '22 fic#trying to do all my laundry and other cleaning before i go#as well as finishing my outfit for the concert because i'm hand-bedazzling a jumpsuit stone by stone rn 🥴#redyeing my hair... doing my nails... some other necessary pampering#so i am at my c*ntiest for harr as she deserves#plus i totally forgot i have a rescheduled show on saturday i can't ditch my friend at so i have to go#despite having working 5:30 - 1:30 sunday AND monday so i won't be able to be home all day and finish things#yeah v stressed but v excited and i believe in myself that i will get everything done in time i won't forget anything i need back home#and harr 2.0 will be brilliant!!#(although if i see that hag of a woman at my show. or even HEAR she is there. i'm scratching her eyes out like a feral cat#as well as causing bodily harm to anyone and everyone who roped h into her shit in the first place <3)#alex talks
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i regularly wonder if im a disappointment. to people that i know.
#i dont know. i think i am disappointing. i dont do things im supposed to do. because im just lazy i guess. i dont know.#it's really frustrating when doing barely much at all is so stressful and taxing for me to do. it's embarrassing. it's embarrassing that#all i ended up doing today was sending. albeit an important email. it was an email for a therapy place so hopefully i can finally go to#therapy again. and laundry. that's really all the important good things i did today. and i should technically be happy about that#but i feel like. i am. not doing enough. and that im never going to do enough. but maybe it's that im thinking abt my sister's#expectations too much because her expectations are very high. she seems to expect me to do something important every single#day. and so i constantly feel like a failure because im not doing something important every day. but i am trying to keep my#apartment clean while doing all of this. im trying to at least do that. which is hard for me. but she wouldnt care.#it's just. exhausting. i always feel like a disappointment and a failure. anytime i meet my sister's expectations it feels like she#says one thing that she's proud of me once and then. it means nothing. and i dont know. i dont know i dont feel anything#from her ever saying she's proud of me. i dont know. im tired. im just tired. i need ot start looking for a new job but im scared.
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