#and i was supposed to sleep ykno

[cynicallyneutral]

naruto: going to jail, but at least sasuke’s with me 🥰

[kaguya-muneuji]

hgrhgrhg work on big [redacted] project or play h.sr........

[padfootastic]

dear miss padfootastic: harry learning he's gonna be a dad and promptly losing his mind and going to the only person he can think of for dad advice: sirius.

gosh miss imp i have so many thoughts about this!!!!!! (i wrote almost all of this and realised that i did it post birth lol bc that’s the moment that made the most sense to me but we can easily doctor it to be pre birth as well!!)

- the first time harry holds james sirius in his hands, he has to dip out in three minutes flat to puke all over the nearest washroom. it’s sirius holding him, brushing his hair back, and soothing him on the dirty hospital floor. tells him that he did something super similar when he held harry for the first time too. it doesn’t hit harry then.

- when they’re all back at home, the first few days, it’s all a sort of frantic autopilot where he has no time to think. it’s only when things calm down a bit that he realised how his hands shake and his pulse races when he thinks about being a father. it’s not…debilitating bc it’s his duty, one he asked for, and harry’s never been one to back down from a duty. but it’s still—he doesn’t want to be a passable dad, he wants to be a good one.

- so he goes to the best one he knows: sirius.

- the thing here is, harry thinks he’s gonna be a terrible dad. he was abused and neglected in his most developmental stages of life, never really knew what unconditional love felt like let alone parental, and does not trust himself around a vulnerable defenceless child. knowledge of his anger and it’s consequences does not help.

- but also to consider: sirius had almost an exact similar experience. he was equally terrified to be a godfather for harry bc he never trusted himself w delicate things. so he knows, intimately, what’s it’s like to fear yourself.

- it doesn’t get better with one conversation. sirius knew this going in. what he does, instead, is help harry become confident by being there, always, without fail. makes him see that he’s got this down pat, and his child loves and trusts and adores him and there’s no greater privilege than that. he’s there every single time as a safety net, to tell harry that nothing will go wrong, yes, but also to prove he doesn’t need anyone else.

- it’s also a whole lot of ‘omg this is so difficult, you did this for me?????’ and just. realisations about ‘omg u changed my diaper??? i peED ON YOU??????’ that basically make it impossible for him to look sirius in the eye for a few days.

- another point to consider: harry sees sirius with jemmy from an outsider pov yeah? and he can finally see what others have all this time: how sirius looks at someone he loves wholeheartedly, how much he adores his children. and it’s humbling and awe-inspiring and a bit terrifying. imagining the full force of that love directed towards him, making him wonder what he did to deserve it

- there’s a loooooot of midnight/asscrack of morning firecalls/mirror calls etc for emergency assistance bc ‘are babies supposed to sleep like tho at! he’s been farting all night sirius iTS SO BAD! omg his poop is green padfoot is my baby toxic?????’ ykno. normal new dad stuff.

(and this is random but there’s also one,,,,forbidden conversation with sirius about it he’d ever hated him bc harry had some very unsavoury thoughts in the beginning when he had teddy that he hates himself for to this day and if he has to hear his godfather say he didn’t want him to get rid of them then he’ll do it. it’s a tough but necessary one)

[rette-casette]

urge to draw c!tommy as a scruffy teenage boy with only 1 shirt and no fashion sense vs . .. . he looks cold :(

[primsycoldbottles]

*punches a wall* can i PLEASE go one day without getting a headache that lasts hours!!!!!!

[strawbebyjam]

i’m sorry to post neg again dhdjdb i’ve been so bad witb this layely im sorry

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 103

[Date: 25/03, 12:17 AM GMT - 25/03, 3:41 AM GMT]  

[CW for drug mention, descriptions of violence, torture mention, suffocation mention]

[Page appears in chat and begins a game of “Smile Charades” by telling the server to draw their attention to their Spotify playlist called “The Court?”, which consists of the following songs: “Break My Mind” by Dagames, “I’m the Bad Guy” by Caleb Hyles, “Echo” by Crusher-P, “Break the Rules” by Charlie XCX, “Discord” by The Living Tombstone, “The Fine Print” by The Stupendium, “I Can’t Decide” by Scissor Sisters, “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing” by Set it Off, “Entropy” by Awkward Marina, “Happy Pills” by Weathers, “The Pitiful Children” by Eric William Morris, and “Monster” by KIRA. The server then proceeds to guess what Page could be trying to imply by this choice of songs. The following conversation ensures:]

jayyyyyyyy: “oh, happy pills is such a good song! kinda makes me sad in a way tho, ykno? its so upbeat but its basically about taking drugs so youre not truly yourself, ykno?”

Page 👑: “....

:)”

Jack the Observer 👁: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “huh, kinda makes me wonder if those plants are the result of drugs? or maybe theyre not, i might be looking at this the wrong way,”

Page 👑: “....”

jayyyyyyyy: “ah, either way its fine! just me wondering out loud, ykno? :]”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “wow, what a unique and interesting message! thank you for the playlist, page, its really eye opening and neat to listen to :]”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “wow, what a fun song about partying and breaking the rules! ,i sure hope, none of ,the court does that!, :]”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “ooo i cant decide is a good one, a classic, especially for those in uh. *looks at writing smudged on wrist* ...the my little pony fandom...”

Page 👑: “....”

jayyyyyyyy: “its so cool! love how the singer has conflicting feelings about their attachment to the one theyre torturing, how they ultimately have to decide whether they want to be good and spare their life, or if they want to continue with the torture”

Page 👑: “:)”

[After a few minutes, the server wonders why Page is being so quiet and only responding in “:)”]

jayyyyyyyy: “nono, its okay, its like a yes or no thing

quiet for no, a smile for yes

is that right, page?”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “pog! alright”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay, so still gotta find what youre picking up from this

are you not a big fan of concerts either?”

Page 👑: “....”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh, you like em?”

Page 👑: “:)

....”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay, you do like concerts! something else too tho”

[After a few minutes of conversation among the server members asking Page whether he liked concerts, or if being with the Court was like being in a concert, or if he wanted to continue the conversation in the direction of the topic of concerts, or if he wanted to talk about other topics, all of which were met with a resounding silence from Page-]

[jayyyyyyyy: “music?”]

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “music! alright

want to narrow the topic some more, page?”

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “so im assuming this is about your playlist?”

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “do you want us to focus on... lyrics?”

Page 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “so like the tone?”

jayyyyyyyy: “well i think we already get the vibe, ykno”

donti (e) (child): “or the feel of all the songs together?”

Page 👑: “:)....”

donti (e) (child): “is there a common thread were supposed to be seeing?

Page 👑: “:)

[After some deliberation, it turned out that the common thread wasn’t about the laurels or drugs, but was about specific songs.]

jayyyyyyyy: “alright! so youre focusing on uhhh

break my mind

im the bad guy

echo

discord 50/50

wolf in sheeps clothing

entropy 50/50

happy pills 50/50

and monster”

Page 👑: “:)”

[jayyyyyyyy: “does "im the bad guy" apply to crown here?”]

Page 👑: “:)....”

jayyyyyyyy: “aight

is crown one of the common demoninators here?”

Page 👑: “:)....”

jayyyyyyyy: “aight

uhhh

im the bad guy is about.. fuck, i half remember half dont

if i remember correctly, the villain is explaining that whatever evils theyve faced before, shes much more powerful than them, and doesnt need their assistance because shes fine on her own

but

im guessing page is more focusing on. Uh”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh! okay

okay, i got it

hm.. echo is about.. well, its kinda hard to say

let me look at the lyrics again

actually, this song is a perfect way to sum up the courts situation

"the echo in the mirror"

like.. youre fighting yourself? youre trapped in yourself, fighting yourself to be free”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “pog! alright

so uhh

so far we have uhh

being stuck and fighting yourself is something im seeing rn

and the other one.. i think its better if i dont say it

am i right on the fighting yourself theme tho?”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “someone that's not crown??

"someone else"”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “OKAY

didnt expect that

so who

not crown

themselves?”

Page 👑: “:).....”

Ethza: “hm

eachother?”

donti (e) (child): “are,,, are the people who wear the crowns... pulling at the strings of their body??”

Page 👑: “....”

Ethza: “Hm”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay so

im assuming its crown and the court?”

Ethza: “but its not crown

its someone else”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “hmm”

Ethza: “that was my first guess

so

someone else”

jayyyyyyyy: “okay! okay

and probably obvious but youre being controlled by your court version?”

Ethza: “but something else is controlling you”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “is it your court self?

the laurels?

something else?

feel free to respond to those separately”

jayyyyyyyy: “what, pray tell, the fuck are the laurels”

Page 👑: “:)”

[Ethza: “the laurels?”]

Page 👑: “....”

[Ethza: “something else?”]

Page 👑: “....:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “alright

hmmmm okay so

court selves are controlling the og selves, and crown is manipulating the court”

Ethza: “the court selves....aren't what they seem?”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “i was really hoping that wouldn't be right”

jayyyyyyyy: “well i dont think the court selves are evil”

Ethza: “i don't know if we'd call them good”

jayyyyyyyy: “theyre being manipulated, ykno? and theyre.. kinda stuck in an unwinable situation

well yea but like

either they let their alternate selves be free and they literally suffocate, or they let themselves be free and their alternate selves suffocate

and a while, youd want fresh air, no matter how good of a person you are”

[Ethza: “i don't know if we'd call them good”]

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “alright so theyre not good

obv im still suspicious that a lot of it is bc of circumstances but still evil”

Ethza: “...hey page”

Page 👑: “:)”

Ethza: “are they something we know?”

Page 👑: “....:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “i really cant think of anything else tho

dreamons maybe?”

Page 👑: “:)

:)

:)

:)

:)

:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “uhhh

OH SHIT”

Page 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “OH FUCK

OH FUCK

OH FUCK ITS DREAMONS”

Page 👑: “:)

:)

:)

:)”

donti (e) (child): “is that a smile or a yes ??”

Page 👑: “:)

:)

:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “ITS A YES

OH MY GOD ITS DREAMONS OH FUCK”

donti (e) (child): “UH!!”

jayyyyyyyy: “OKAY

FUCK

okay

ok im. calming down”

Knight 👑: “Fetch likes this song :)” 

[DAYWALKER! by Machine Gun Kelly ft. Corpse] 

Knight 👑: “It should be obvious as to why :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “WAIT NO BUT I HAVE OTHER QUESTIONS

okay page!!

is that "thing" thats more powerful than crown the dreamons?”

Knight 👑: “Page is not in service at this time. Please check the number or try your call again. :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh fuck off

GOD

you mother FUCKERS

donti (e) (child): “AH IS PAGE OK”

Knight 👑: “:)”

donti (e) (child): “uhhhhhh buddy you ok”

Knight (he/they): “I see somebody talking with a mouth thats full of teeth i want to break :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “thats dumb as FUCK”

donti (e) (child): “well thats probably me time to scram :D”

jayyyyyyyy: “page did not say a single thing this entire time”

Knight 👑: “Then i'm not talking about him. :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “..neither did max”

Knight 👑: “I'm on borrowed time can't shake it :) blackout when i'm ragin'. :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “yea

again with that fuckin corpse song

hold on

huh

okay so im assuming this is just. 100% knight rn

bc you definitely did something to page

and the song daywalker is ab letting someone in on a secret and blaming them when the secret gets out

actually this song. lines up with uh

that scene”

Knight 👑: “:)”

jayyyyyyyy: “the. ykno, the murder

unless im wrong but

seems. violent”

Knight 👑: “I prayed to god and went to sleep with bloody hands :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “damn! okay

uhhh fuck

okay knight can you like. post all the lyrics youre focusing on rn?? tryna get across???”

Knight 👑: “Punch that motherfucker in the face 

you hated what he said, right? 

beat his ass, leave him at the stoplight

i know you wanted change, but nobody's around

so, kick him again while he's on the ground”

jayyyyyyyy: “thank you!”

Big G (they/them): “Uhh”

jayyyyyyyy: “....oh god i just said thank you im going SOFT

"i know you wanted change but nobodys around" is really catching my eye

"you hated what he said right" hmm”

Knight 👑: “If a pussy wanna say shit, then i'll fuckin' stomp his face in

nah, not getting better, can't change it, i left blood all on the pavement 

i'm on borrowed time, can't shake it, blackout when i'm ragin',

me and all these pills be on a fuckin' first name basis,”

jayyyyyyyy: “im kinda throwing a shot here, but is the "you hated what he said right" part about the dreamons hating what i said?”

Knight 👑: “I never said it was about page :) in fact, i told you i wasn't talking about him :)”

[container-of-apple-juice]

So I wrote something for “The Worst Three-Legged Race.” Because, ykno, queer baiting. I’m queer, I took the bait, I wanted them to experience genuine feelings instead of a shitty joke-kiss, yadda yadda here’s some awkward genin feelings.

This is immediately after the episode ends, their hands are stuck together in a chakra ball, you know what’s up.

(1,825 words)

[[MORE]]

It wasn’t going to get easier any time soon, this Sasuke was sure of. Naruto had managed to settle down after their mission report once Kakashi Sensei and Sakura had taken turns feeding him ramen (Sasuke still had use of his dominant hand and, frankly, wouldn’t be caught dead being spoon fed).

But now, alone in Naruto’s apartment past sunset, came the upheaval of just how awkward things were destined to be for the next three days together.

Three. Whole. Days. AND nights.

Sasuke sighed and closed his eyes, feeling his brows scrunch together and downward for what felt like the millionth time since the crook had sealed their hands together with his unique (and frustratingly solid) chakra.

Kakashi sensei had the good grace to walk them back to Naruto’s apartment (Sasuke had yet to have another living soul join him on his family’s compound following the massacre and he’d be damned if NOW of all times was going to be the time he broke that trend) but once he disappeared from the scene in a flash of smoke, the boys were left alone in the entryway of the dark apartment.

“So, uh, usually I just leave my shoes over here-“ Naruto began to move down the small corridor, already knowing well enough to wait a brief moment for Sasuke to catch on to his movements so as to not send the other boy jerking along behind him.

Once they rounded the corner, just a few feet away from the door Naruto removed his shoes and waited for Sasuke to follow suit.

After that, well…it became very clear that Naruto had absolutely no plan for the evening. Which didn’t surprise Sasuke in the slightest, seeing as this whole bound-at-the-wrist thing was an admittedly new development. Had they been at Sasuke’s home, he was sure that he would fare no better than the blonde.

“Well it’s a good thing we already ate because I’m pretty sure my 24-hour-store produce wouldn’t be up to your standards.” The attempt at light banter was followed by something akin to a huff of breath mixed with an awkward chuckle, as well as with a shuffling of bare feet inches from Sasuke’s own and a barely noticeable tug on their joined hands.

Sasuke suddenly felt an unexpected and immense sympathy for the bewhiskered boy in front of him. So much so that it shocked him, but he was struck with the realization that Naruto likely hadn’t shared his space with another human being in his entire LIFE and that this was a completely foreign and embarrassing situation for the both of them.

“I don’t think instant noodle snacks count as produce, dobe.”

This earned a more genuine bark of laughter from Naruto, who undoubtedly appreciated the reciprocation of their casual-yet-teasing banter that always came so naturally.

“Shut up, teme, or I’ll just have to plan a little ‘grocery’ trip over the next couple days. I’m sure you’d LOVE a tour of my local convenience store. The clerk would LOVE you.” The shit-eating snickers that followed this threat left sasuke almost curious to find out just what kind of person this shop keeper was.

Instead of asking, Sasuke simply rolled his eyes and looked around the small living room. Naruto seemed content chuckling to himself over his seemingly-genius hypothetical scenario, while Sasuke properly took in his new surroundings.

Sasuke’s attention snapped back to his begrudgingly bound companion when the ridiculous giggles turned into an intense yawn.

“We should get to bed. The sooner we get through tomorrow the better.” Sasuke knew the bitterness of his statement was unwarranted, but as he spoke he became acutely aware that he wasn’t in control of this situation. He knew he was better off here with Naruto than with Kakashi or (god forbid) Sakura, but Sasuke wasn’t a fan of situations outside of his control- or at least his willfully consenting participation.

“Yeah, I’m beat. Tomorrow’s gonna be a nightmare.” The shorter boy’s whole body slumped forward as he finished his sentence, shooting Sasuke a brief, sidelong glance before trudging off in the direction of what Sasuke could only assume was his bedroom (please let it not be the bathroom, please let it not be the bathroom, please let it-)

Sasuke had to hold back his sigh of relief as the bed and sparse furnishings (most notably the lack of a toilet) filled his view.

“Huh.” Naruto had stopped in the middle of the room.

“What is it?”

“I mean, I guess changing into pajamas is sorta outta the question isn’t it?”

The hand that wasn’t stuck to Sasuke’s in the chakra ball reached up to scratch the hair behind Naruto’s left ear as he spoke.

“Yeah, unless you want me to cut them off you.” His Kunai knife made a dull sound against his palm through the holster as he brought his free hand down to pat against it in accordance to his threat.

However, what was meant to be a clever and sarcastic threat toward his rival instead left both of their faces burning in the dull lamp light that Naruto had turned on upon entering the room. The blood pumping in Sasuke’s ears did nothing to stop the mantra of regret filling his mind as Naruto began to splutter briefly, tripping over his words.

“S-shut up, bastard, that doesn’t even make any sense. How would I get my pajama shirt on then, huh? What, are you gonna cut it ON to me?”

“That doesn’t make any sense either.”

“None of this makes sense! Let’s just go to bed!” Naruto raised their joined hands into the air in frustration along with his own free hand.

Sasuke simply offered up a “Tch” in response to the admittedly true statement from his team mate. He anticipated Naruto’s movements and began moving toward the bed at the same time that the blonde spun on his heel.

Stopping just shy of the edge of the bed Naruto turned partly back toward sasuke, not quite facing him and blush still firmly in place. Sasuke thought maybe it had actually gotten worse in the three feet they had traveled, not that he was paying attention to that sort of thing.

“I’ve always just slept in the middle, so, I donno....do you have a preference?” The words were spoken in the softest tone Sasuke had perhaps ever heard the younger boy speak, and he found himself taken aback for the second time that night.

Of all the things to be embarrassed by in their current circumstances, choosing which side of the bed they would sleep on hadn’t crossed Sasuke’s mind as one of them. Though he supposed it made sense. Closeness of any kind was a particularly vulnerable experience when all of those close to you had been taken away. Or if you’d never known closeness to anyone at all.

At least Sasuke had experience with sharing a bed in the past. As the younger sibling, he’d not really been allowed a choice, Itachi had always instinctively taken the side of the door to protect him in case of intruders.

Sasuke clenched his jaw at the uninvited memory and felt his hand pull minutely at their joined chakra ball as he tried to physically retreat into himself on impulse.

“Sas-“

“I’ll take the left side.” He looked directly into Naruto’s eyes as he cut him off. His eyes were cold and sharp, daring Naruto to question his brief hesitation and the bodily twitch he had definitely noticed in the dark haired boy.

Naruto’s face sobered immediately in response to the challenging expression.

“Sure, fine by me.” It was mumbled and Sasuke barely made it out as Naruto turned fully toward the bed again, bringing Sasuke with him by association.

The dark haired boy knew immediately that Naruto had misconstrued his reaction to what had clearly been a vulnerable question. But he only felt angrier at this fact, trying to shove his frustration down deep as he climbed into the bed. No point trying to fix it now. He just needed to get through the next three days.

“Please tell me you at least sleep under the covers.”

“Of course, Dobe, it’s freezing at night.” Sasuke gave him a long-suffering look, wrenching the covers aside and forcing Naruto to shuffle out from on top of them.

Once they had settled beneath the covers, bound hands laying between them on the pillow, Sasuke felt himself fighting the urge to squirm under Naruto’s concentrated gaze. It was one he’d met countless times in class or on the training field or even on a mission- but he was caught off guard by the intensity of the bright blue eyes as they watched him through the darkness of this foreign space that Naruto called home.

Sasuke hadn’t dared to share the single pillow with Naruto (although it seemed more than big enough) so he was met with only half the blonde boys face, smooshed into the pillow and blocked partially by the chakra ball. It was decidedly the most vulnerable position he’d been in with Naruto to date so he closed his eyes determinedly.

He needed to sleep. Tomorrow was already going to be difficult, he was not about to add sleep deprivation to the list of road blocks.

Sasuke felt Naruto’s toes brush against his shin as the boy shifted slightly and Sasuke flinched back minutely on instinct.

“..Sorry.” Came the mumble across from him in the darkness.

“..It’s okay.” He whispered back.

Okay. So maybe sleep wouldn’t come as easily as he’d hoped, but he’d dealt with worse nights. Way worse. At least he wasn’t alone this time.

Wait, no, hold on. Wasn’t that the whole problem?

You know what, forget it. He’d deal with these thoughts tomorrow. Or never. He just needed to sleep.

Naruto started to snore softly beside him, but the volume didn’t stay quiet for long.

It was going to be a long three days.

[spirit-shroud]

heeey there! how's your day so far? :D

god okay i had SUCH A DAY yesterday 

so like i got on a bus from my town to nyc at like 1 am bc i’m out visiting family for a month and its all cool and fine, i listened to some night vale, zoned out, wrote a vivid 250k slow burn self insert fanfic in my head, it was fun. i dont mind public transport all that much tbh it’s like, the pinnacle of shitty but there’s just something very. human about how uncomfortable it is. like. we really made Long Cars and stripped them completely of amenities and comfort. whack. so that was fine

and then i got like. into nyc. and i had to take like. a second bus to get to the right place in long island where i’d eventually be collected and all that. i, exhausted, sleepless, at 440 in the morning rolled up to the info desk w my second ticket like ‘HEY where do i go for this’ and the guy is just like ‘oh it’s terminal X’ and im just like ‘okay that says long island that seems legit, i’m not gonna fact check that.’ so i waited and read a little (started reading It Devours and let me tell u potato girl is my favourite and i have known her for roughly 9 pages. but thats a tangent) n checked my watch and was like ‘hey so it’s like. 540 and boarding was at 530.’ and walked up to the info desk to ask what was up, if the bus was late, etc. and he tells me that i need to be up three whole floors and across the building to be at the right terminal. so i’m just like ‘oh god, oh fuck’ and he just looks at me like ‘good luck’ and i just start like. Running towards the elevator

this nice lady with a stroller asked me if i was ok and i was like ‘no actually’ and we both took a moment in the elevator to do the stressful half-glance, half-sigh thing people do when they’re uncomfortable and in a bus station at 6am and life just sucks. it was a nice bit of solidarity, but far too shortlived. i got off the elevator and started running towards terminal Y with the last energy my legs have, because by this point i’d been awake for over 20 hours and i’m usually awake for like, 10. i arrive, and stop a guy who looked like he worked there like ‘hey uhhh is this bus still here’ and he said. something that sounded like a terminal number but i like. can’t hear. idk what it is about port authority but it has like. anti-hearing magic set up at every point in the station. and so i went out just like ‘oh. it’s. not here.’ and had a panic attack for like five minutes and angrily texted some people before just being like ‘yeah whatever this might as well be happening’ and figuring out what i’d do next. 

so then the guy i stopped earlier was just like ‘hey im the driver actually you’re like the only person going to LI this way so let’s head off’ and i’m probably looking at this guy with an expression between Deep Suspicion and Genuine Reverence, if you can imagine. he takes my ticket, i get on. we get sorted out where i’m being dropped off and everything and i’m just like ‘hey ykno this feels a little weird. this is surreal. this isn’t how things normally roll’ so my instinct was to like... bring up the route on gps, keep my keys between my fingers and made sure i wasn’t listening to anything just so i was like. 100% alert. i had my bags around me in such a way i could push out the emergency window and roll the fuck away if needed. i kept constant correspondence with some people in my discord just so if i stopped responding they’d know something potentially went awry. i was prepared. i was paranoid and exhausted and frankly in far too much post-public transport haze to be dealing with anything that was happening. the world was upsetting. new york city is just as full of pigeons as i remember, and long island is really nice this time of year, even if it went up to 111 F today. 

but i did not get murdered nor taken on some very strange route, in fact, the driver was very nice and understanding that i was frazzled as hell because that is the default state of Bus, and i was collected up by my family. we got a bagel and coffee and then i passed out for like five hours and it was fantastic 

and today was otherwise nice, like, post-nap we just kinda hung out w our parent in laws and ate pizza and got into arguments about politics and it went well. and now i’m supposed to be sleeping because these guys get up at like, the crack of dawn, but instead i’m watching anime kjsdfhgljkdhfjgksdf i think we’re going to the beach today 

so yeah! i went on An Adventure! too much of one. but, it just be like that sometimes. i hope your day has been far less befrazzling

[monsterslm]

tagged by my guy @bug-mlm to do a song for each letter of my url

m - mr sandman | the chordettes

o - ocean man | ween

n - nothing matters but you | the young veins

s - somebody i used to know | gotye

t - tainted love - soft cell

e - eye of the tiger | survivor

r - renegades | x ambassadors 

s - sleep | my chemical romance

l - lie to the truth | the young veins

m - mama | my chemical romance

youre supposed to tag a person for every letter of your url but im too lazy so ykno

[aerisse-remade]

i was gonna make a post abt a specific occurence but i realized it would sound weird(er than it already is) without any background info so yeah. infodump

so sometime in early august i got out of an unhealthy relationship. im not gonna give all the details but anyway my (now) ex wanted to get back with his ex. he and the ex in question also had/has an unhealthy relationship imo. they constantly fought and cheated on each other ykno. theyre constantly on and off. anyway my ex had been my friend for like. 7 yrs prior. and senior year we got a lot closer. and my ex would talk about his relationship with his ex/bf (idk if theyre still currently dating but i assume they are). theyve been on/off for like... 3 or 4 yrs at that time

so while he was talking abt his relationship to me nd another mutual friend, we were both like "maybe you should break up". and my friend (ex) started to like.. hit on other ppl while dating his bf (...who i was also friends with), including me and our mutual friend. she brushed him off and thought it was weird/funny and i thought so too when he started doing it to me. but i was also flattered at the same time? anyway at first i brushed him off too when he hit on me, and i would tell him that i wouldnt do anything with him unless he broke up with his bf. 

so then he started to get a sad and contemplative and shit and then i realized that like. he was being serious. anyway i was uncomfortable with it after that but i still hung out w him amyway. one time he invited me and j (our mutual friend) to L's (his bf) house for some small party. which is a pretty stupid move on his part tbh but anyway i was like sure!! itd be nice to see L again. but j didnt want to come so it was just gonna be me, my ex, L, and his friends/bandmates

before going to L's place, my ex and i hung out at his house. and started to get all touchy with me?? like he'd lay on me n shit and i was super uncomfortable but i didnt say anything bc i didnt want to upset him. so we ended up at L's place and its... messy to say the least. anyway he and L started arguing and L and his friends were treating my ex like shit. so i got upset and i kept telling c (my ex) that he really should break up with him and that we should leave. but he didnt listen and for like.. the next 20 minutes i was so uncomfortable and felt so unwelcome that i demanded c to take me home. and on the way back, i told him that he needed to tell L that he was hitting on me/had feelings for me. so ofc he got upset.

later that day i saw a post he made and he tagged it as suicide note so obv i was concerned as hell and i tried calling him like a million times but he wouldnt pick up. i told j abt it so she tried calling him too. he didnt pick up. so the next few days were absolute hell. i was feeling like absolute shit and i was an anxious mess. i called him again and left a voicemail. it was like. 11 pm when i was about to try and sleep. he finally messaged me then saying shit like "i cant tell him" "im gonna kill myself" and so ofc i freak out and lie to him and say "its ok!! you dont have to tell him!!" just so he wouldn't hurt himself

and eventually i lied again and said smth like "its ok, you dont have to tell him. im fine with him not knowing" literally just bc i didnt want him to hurt himself. obviously im gonna tell him anything to persuade him to not do anything. i made him promise to see me the next day so we could talk more abt it. so we met the next day. some time during the evening he said he wanted to kiss me. i was uncomfortable as fuck but i already lied to him and said i was fine with it!! so what the fuck was i supposed to do!!! 

...anyway eventually i actually developed feelings for him so i tried even harder to convince him to break up with L, ...and L found out bc he was snooping thru c's messages. he asked me shit like 'how could i' and how betrayed he felt. i apologized to him and told him that i shouldnt have let c do anything. but at the same time i was angry. how dare he come to me and tell me HE was betrayed and how hurt HE was when he and c were constantly fighting and cheating on each other?? how dare he make me feel like I should be the one to apologize for stepping in when his relationship was failing?? 

eventually they broke up and c and i started dating. our relationship was unhealthy too, and mostly bc of me and my paranoia. i tend to have intense but unstable relationships. anyway i guess that just brings me back up to the top, where i mentioned c wanting to get back with his ex. 

i originally didnt mean to post all of this bc i only wanted to talk abt a specific occurence but i felt it needed to have background info.

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

So I can’t fully 100% tell anyone about this rn cause Spenny is sleeping and Pati isn’t around so HERE GOES PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE STORY OF THE YEAR

So like ykno Alex the French/Spanish guy that I’ve been after for like 2 years but we only ever really spent 1 night together until this year because he stopped replying cause he was a dick and then I moved to London and then HE MOVED TO LONDON TOO and we met up once for drinks once but it was so incredibly innocent and just drinks. And then I moved back to Warsaw and so did he like 6 months later. Well it’s been going much better recently, we’ve been seeing each other more in general like going with separate friend groups to the same places and just saying hi and then when I’m drunk I text him to get his “shift” together and come over HAHAHAHAHA drunk Jamie is unstoppable. 

Anyways, last night I was at this techno club Smolna with my close friends from uni (our last hoorah) and low and behold who fucking texts me at 7pm asking if I had plans tonight? Alex of course. But the thing is he texted me 2 days before asking what I was up to, so of course I’m like alright, momma gonna get her sugar tonight. But what does he do? He stops replying after the second message. Literally CLASSIC ALEX. There is not a more Alex move to pull. So last night when he texted me I was like k fuck u, I want you obvs but f u. So I reply after a while saying Smolnaaa, and he goes “hum” which is supposed to be “hmm” but Alex is a fucking weirdo so. So anyways I go “lol why whats up” and hes all “i’m home...” and i’m like “okay...” ahahhahahahahaha literally dead i love myself. And he goes “come over :)”. So at this point I’m still going to Smolna but he says to come over after (which is obvs at like 4am or something). So we go to Smolna and it’s all fun, raining a bit on the patio but no one gives a fuck.

So we’re dancing and having a good time and there was this guy who spilled his drink on my friend and he didn’t notice but then he did and was SOO apologetic and of course I realize right away he has a British accent. My British radar is impeccable I swear. So I can tell right away he’s pretty fucked up, drunk or whatever he is. He said he’s on a stag do with his buddies so I ask where his friends are and he didn’t know so I said to stay with us. So the night goes on and he goes off on his own nothing special, but then I see a group of these British guys and they’re all speaking in an accent so I go up to one and tell him that I saw this guy earlier that was part of a stag do but he couldn’t find his friends! And this guy (who is incredibly handsome might I add) says yeah yeah he’s with us! And he was the only guy in the whole group that didn’t look completely wrecked so I kept talking to him. And we introduced ourselves, his name is ARCHIE. How fucking adorable is that. I don’t think there is a more adorable name I swear. AND HE’S BRITISH. ugh. So anyways, Archie and I chill and dance and talk and we get to know each other a tad, he lives in London (thank fucking jesus I love London). But as the witching hour approaches I’m thinking Alex is probably going to go to bed soon so I either go now or never. 

I call Alex and he’s still up, this is around 230am. I leave around 330am, my phone on very low battery but I made it! He’s staying in his brother’s old place so I didn’t know where it was exactly. And oh my god. This is where the night just keeps getting better and better.

Before last night like.. I’m obvs obsessed with Alex cause he’s so fucking attractive, but I thought that we didn’t have much to talk about really. Like he can be kinda negative and a dick and he knows it but that’s him. But last night was a COMPLETE 180. He didn’t go out so he was 100% sober which has not happened ever when we meet late at night. I got there and he was in bed chillin and I was still high so I was chatty af. So we were talking and honestly we talked for about an hour about everything and whatever came to mind and it was great. Like.. really really great. He was so cute in his boxers and T laying there while I was bouncing around the flat ahahhahaha. And I was making fun of him and we were laughing and just.. it was really really nice. So finally I calmed down and laid down and of course you guys know the rest. I slept alright cause the high but he snores but honestly it didn’t bother me that much, I think that’s when it means something. When you think their snoring is cute. One of the things I really like about him is although he can be a  dick sometimes, he is the biggest teddybear I swear. He gained weight recently this year but honestly it doesn’t even bother me. He’s hairy head to toe literally chest, back, EVERYWHERE HAIR. Which of course if you know me then you know I’m totally into that (ya the back hair not necessarily that much but it doesn’t bother me;)). So he’s quite literally this big teddy bear. And he cuddles so nicely. Like we didn’t cuddle much during the night cause it was hot af and just cause but in the morning he comes over to me and puts his arm around me and he’s just really sweet when he wants to be. So obvs then this morning you guys know the rest, but damn. One thing I will say is that drunk sex SUCKS DICK and oh my god if Alex and I were always sober when meeting up I think it would’ve been a way more frequent thing cause HOT DAMN he knows his shit. Ugh. I feel like I’m glowing.

 And then after he was considering buying more stock on some weird internet currency idfk I have no clue, and I was laying on the bed and he was at his desk and we were just chatting and he was talking to himself but also to me kinda ahaha but I love that cause I literally do that ALL THE TIME. And yeah. It was just really good. And at the end I was leaving and I was poking fun and it was just horrible cause he’s a mean man but he’s really not. I know it might sound like he’s a huge dick but he’s just honest and he knows he’s not the nicest person ever but he’s okay with that and honestly as long as he’s not hurting me then it’s okay. And we will never ever date (I FUCKING WISH WHYYY) cause I won’t live here anymore and I don’t think he would be interested in dating me (who knows?) so it’ll just stay this way and I’m totally good with that.

Ugh guys. He’s legit the only guy since I left Canada that I’ve been this enthralled by. I wish there was some sort of way it could or had a chance to become something more but I know my destiny isn’t here in Warsaw, it’s in Edmonton. But fuck it was great having him around, especially this last year. I’m gonna miss him. I am a woman in love.