#and i've been moved out/living on my own for 5 fucking years now

[zipquips]

petition for my parents to stop thinking i'm unprepared and being stupid with the idea of getting a pet

[smusherina]

yard work - chapter 9 (regina george x reader)

fandom: Mean Girls (all media)

pairing: Regina George x OFC/Reader

summary: You'd been in the same class as Regina George since kindergarten. You'd lived on the same street even longer. Once upon a time, when life was sandbox disputes and who got the swing first arguments, you'd even been friends. Now, in junior year of high school, you doubted she even remembered you. The same couldn't be said about you. You definitely remembered her.

warnings(s): use of the d-slur, the one for lesbians. use of the q-slur, the one that’s been taken back.

chapter 1 / chapter 2 / chapter 3 / chapter 4 / chapter 5 / chapter 6 / chapter 7 / chapter 8 / chapter 10

You lost track of time, mind consumed by Regina's mouth on yours. The feel of her lips, her hands playing with the hairs at the back of your neck, made you tingle. You didn't know much about actual technique when it came to kissing, but taking cues from and mirroring Regina seemed to work. When she opened her mouth and bit your bottom lip, you chanced a little tongue. Met with welcome, the kiss deepened. The sensations had you shivering, hands gripping tightly at Regina's waist.

"Bed, now," Hazy and a little slow, you chased Regina when she pulled away, making a pathetic little sound at the loss of her. She stood up and pulled you with her, roughly pushing you onto your back. Sprawled on the bed, you could only watch as she climbed over you. Soon, her lips descended down on yours again and your eyes blinked shut.

Then, startling you like a bucket of cold water thrown onto you, her hands snuck under your shirt. Her nails brushed at your ribs and you, despite the nervous excitement bubbling, began to feel apprehensive.

"Reg," You mumbled, hands moving from her shoulders to her upper arms. "Reg, I- hold on."

"What?" She kissed down your cheeks to your neck.

"Hold on, I-" Your breath hitched, the tickle of her lips in such a sensitive place hindering your ability to speak. "I don't wanna have sex."

As if shaken from a trance, Regina pulled away abruptly. Her hands slid out of your shirt and rested on either side of your torso, looming above you. The dim, warm tinted lamp light from the nightstand made her hair, hanging around you, seem like a halo. Or a canopy.

"You don't want to have sex." She said, voice a little hoarse and eyes betraying something until she pulled the shutters closed. "You're lucky I'm letting you get this far."

You stared up at her, stunned. "What? Letting me? You're on top of me."

"I know you want this. You've been wanting this for a long time. I've seen the way you look at me, the way you act around me." She spoke fast as if she was trying to convince both you and herself.

Panic was beginning to constrict around your throat. It took a while to find your voice.

"Reg, I'm sorry, but-"

"You should be sorry." She crawled away from on top of you and stood up. You leaned up on your elbows to keep looking at her. "You should be so sorry."

"I- I am," You tried to reassure her, tried to hold down your own hurt. "I just thought this was a little fast."

She rolled her eyes at you, though the action seemed jilted. "You've been pining the whole time we've been friends, I'd say it's been long enough. And now, when you have all you want offered to you, you reject it."

"Is this what this is about? Rejection? Regina, I just meant not yet."

"You're so fucking full of yourself." She accused, pointing a finger at you. The whole display was made weaker by the glistening in her eyes and the redness covering her from neck to ears.

"You think you can walk into my life, cause all sorts of chaos, take my family from me, and then reject me?" She hissed, gesturing with her arms all the while. You swallowed, unsure of what you should do.

She was firing insults at you and the only thing you could think to do was sit there and take it.

"Chaos? I'm not trying to take your family from you, Reggie, where's this coming from?" You stood up, feeling too awkward to be on the bed.

"You think I haven't seen the way you act around my mom or my sister? You want to be me so bad, you're acting like they're your family. They're mine and you're never gonna have them! You're never gonna have a family!"

You reeled back, offended by the uncalled-for insult.

"You have the gall to come to my home, my family's Thanksgiving dinner, acting all holier than thou meanwhile Kylie fawns over you and mom dotes on you."

"Are you jealous? They love you, Regina." Your ability to argue was getting flimsier by the minute, the stinging in your eyes inhibiting any power you could've drawn from.

"Jealous? You think I'm fucking jealous? I have everything and you have nothing!"

"I don't think that's true, Reg. I think that you're hurt and saying things you don't mean."

"You always put words in my mouth, try to manipulate me and change me into someone you think I should be. I'm good the way I am!"

"Change can be good, Reg, I just-"

"God, you're actually so insufferable. Genuinely, I cannot stand to be around you. I hate you." She turned away from you, hands going to her hair and tugging. "I don't need to change. I hate that you try to make me. I hate that you've already done it, with your fucked up mind games."

You blinked rapidly and breathed in deeply, trying to stay calm. She was just being destructive because she was hurt. She didn't mean any of it. She was just earlier kissing you. Didn't that count for something?

"I don't play mind games. I just wish you were kinder."

"You wish I was this and that, and what about me?" She whirled around and strode up to you. "I am this way. I am not kind, I'm not soft, and I thrive."

"Are you thriving, Reg?"

"Do not call me what stupid name!" She yelled, getting right in your face. You flinched back, startled and scared. "Oh, you're gonna cry now that your other tactics don't work anymore? I see right through you, you freak."

"Don't yell at me, Reggie." You said, biting your lip to keep it from trembling. You wiped at your eyes furiously. "I'm sorry, okay, for rejecting you, for trying to change you. I didn't mean to manipulate you."

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want to you." She hissed. "I'll fucking ruin your life. I'll tell people you're a lesbian and what you tried to do to me."

"What?" You breathed. "What do you mean? What I tried to do to you- do you hear yourself?"

"I hear myself, jorts, and so will everybody else when I tell them what a disgusting, perverse little dyke you are."

You wouldn't have described it as something snapping, but you'd had enough by then. It stung, hearing that from her, of all people. It stung more than you liked to admit because you knew her.

You knew she didn't mean it, she was lashing out, and desperately trying to cling to the power she'd lost the moment she'd been vulnerable with you- kissed you.

You didn't want to feel it, so you were mean instead.

"Just like you did to Janis then. Did you kiss her too and when you got scared you decided to ruin her life. Is that how it went?" You laughed bitterly and before she could interrupt, went on. "Is that how you're gonna live your life, Regina? Anytime you feel those dirty, lesbian urges you'll use some innocent bystander to sate your lust and then, because they know too much, you ruin them? Sounds very sustainable."

"How dare you accuse me of being that," Her face was scrunched in anger, red like the devil.

"Oh, I dare, I seem to recall you were just kissing me, on top of me, hands up my shirt. You're not fooling anybody, Reg, you're a filthy queer just like me." You were aiming to hurt now, wanting her to feel like you did. "The truth is, Regina, that you fucking hate yourself. You hate yourself and you just don't know what to do with yourself so you make everybody around you feel the exact same way."

"No, that's not true, I-" Seeing her face crumble, her posture turn defensive, stoked the fire of your anger. You wanted her to hurt, wanted to punish her for leaving you back then and insulting you now.

"You're like some shitty reincarnation of Heather Chandler, all high and mighty until you're inevitably toppled by some nobody you were so sure was so below you that they couldn't even pose a threat."

"Great film analysis there, loser." Regina quipped weakly, already backing down. You weren't done, though.

"It's only a matter of time before Cady Heron pours you a glass of drain cleaner too, and I'll be looking forward to the day." You sniped, watching as Regina's lip curled in an exaggerated show of being unaffected. You knew her. You knew she'd seen Heathers and you knew the parallels weren't pleasing to the eye. You knew you were going too far, but you couldn't stop.

"You think you're such a martyr, you think that-"

"I thought we were friends, Regina! All I wanted was to be your friend. Sure, I liked you, but that didn't have to mean anything until you kissed me."

"It meant something the whole time! You can't act like it was nothing, our whole friendship is tainted by it!"

"Get over yourself, Regina, you could've ignored it like you do every flaw you have!"

"I don't have flaws, I'm above that." She scoffed, but the tremor in her voice told you that even she didn't think that was true. "I'm doing everyone a favour by showing who's on top."

"Who are you? A fucking dictator? Is that how you truly see yourself? Because I see a scared little girl, confused and angry, taking it out on the easiest targets."

"Nobody gets to feel okay when I feel like this! It's not fair! It's not fair they get to be happy and I have to be like this all the time! I hate this and they deserve it!"

You fought to ignore your heart breaking for her, how her words and obvious cries for help made you want to bleed for her. You'd stood idly and let her hurt you for long enough, it was about time you stood up for yourself.

"Oh, well, I'm so sorry then. I'm starting to fucking get Janis. Maybe I could've come up with the Homecoming sprinkler prank myself. Maybe I should've let you use the lard for your face."

You regretted it the moment the words left your lips.

A beat, both of you staring at each other, faces slack and chests heaving from all the screaming, regret and betrayal swirling in the air like a toxic tornado, passed.

"You knew?" Regina whispered, suddenly so quiet the wind from your sails wooshed away. "You knew and you didn't tell me?"

"I... I did." You looked down. Fuck. You'd fucked up. You'd insinuated you wanted to see her die. You didn't want that at all. Tears sprung to your eyes again and you pressed the heels of your palms to them.

Could this even be fixed at this point? You should've just shut up and it wouldn't have escalated like this. You knew why she'd reacted the way she did, you knew, but you hadn't been able to stay level-headed when she'd started coming at you.

"Get out." She spoke normally, volume steady. She was shaking, you could see that even with your faltering vision.

"I'm sorry, Reg, I really am. I should've told you. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm sorry."

"I said get out."

Unable to hold it any longer, a sob burst out and you decided to leave before you humiliated yourself any further. You grabbed your overnight bag and practically ran out of the room.

You should've been quieter because Mrs George came to see who was stomping down the stairs so late. She had a wine glass in hand, a silken robe tied at her waist, and a worried look on her face.

"Oh, hi, I packed some leftovers for you to- oh, honey, what's wrong?"

"It's- it's nothing, Mrs George." You hiccuped and looked away, embarrassed by your crying. You couldn't look her in the eye. Did you want her to be your mom? Did it matter when Regina clearly saw it that way even if it wasn't true? Taking any comfort from her now felt like proving her right.

"It doesn't seem like nothing. Why don't we go sit and you can tell me what happened. Did Regina say something mean?"

"I don't wanna talk about it, please."

Mrs George sighed. "There's leftovers in the fridge for you." She lingered as you passed. "Honey?"

"What?" Usually, you didn't have the heart to be so rude to her.

"You're welcome here anytime." She smiled at you gently. Clearly, she was experienced in dealing with volatile teenagers. You turned and headed for the kitchen.

Walking home, bag on your shoulder and various containers of delicious food in your arms, you felt numb. You'd left through the garage door, grabbing your clothes from the mudroom as you went, but you still had on the sweatpants.

Tears dried on your cheeks, eyes swollen and nose stuffy, you didn't know what to do. Snow was falling and the streetlights made the scene look more beautiful than was warranted. You felt empty, hollowed out like you'd spilt your guts, heart, and most other internal organs on the floor of Regina's bedroom.

You got home, put the leftovers in the fridge, and stood in the kitchen. Swallowing on a dry mouth, throat scratchy, you figured there was little else you could do other than smoke a cigarette.

You stepped onto the porch and sank down onto the bench swing. Lighting up and inhaling, you closed your eyes as the smoke passed through you.

Regina by the poolside in her bikini, Regina eating pizza on your couch, Regina on the passenger seat of your car, Regina smoking a cigarette with you under the bleachers.

That was all gone, then.

Notes: I was a little wary of having the chapter be only the argument, but it got so long that I figured it'd be nice to have the next chapters work towards a resolution straight away. No need to stretch out the acute misery for any longer than necessary. I'll say, though, that just like IRL something like this isn't just fixed right away. So look forward to more chapters! This is getting so long. I started writing this like, hey, a cute oneshot with a butch OC! Here we fucking are.

Taglist: @autorasexy, @wedfan2, @unadulterated-moron, @modernsapphicism, @9unknown0, @sage-rose2000, @massive-honkas, @nattys-swiftie, @likefirenrain, @luz-enjoyer, @dandelions4us, @natashamaximoff-69, @alexkolax, @jareaul0ver, @here4theqts, @charleeeesworld, @natsbiggestfan1, @brocoliisscared, @yellowwallflowers, @scarlettbitchx, @ayoungexwife, @cyberbonesworld, @syddie-reads, @screechcat, @theenglishswiftie,@gabby-duhh, @sweetmissnothing, @masterofpuppets-10, @l1lass, @starved-mortal

[starberry-cupcake]

Hello, I haven't had time to read as much as I would want but I'm here with an update regardless, because if I don't keep these constant, I'm gonna forget things and this, so far, seems like a book in which I don't wanna forget things.

previously, in harrowbean the ninth:

this happened

currently, after "parodos" and ch. 1:

so I'm making up a timeline in my head with the information at hand

which is never straightforward

that'd be too easy, here in tlt we like to be kept on our toes

we like to be punched in the gut when we least expect it

so get ready for bad math

this would probably make our good friend palmolive atreides weep

I'm sorry palomilve's force ghost, I'm doing my best

SO

the first entry was the night of the emperor being terminated

the "parodos" bit (we'll get to that) is 14 months before the emperor is snuffed out

ch. 1 is nine months before the emperor kicks the bucket

I believe act 1 is going to be happening around that time, since ch. 2 seems to be following without another indication

because of what happens in "parodos" aka flashback, aka prologue 2: elecric bogaloo, we can attempt to estimate when the events of gideon happened

harrowbean tells ortus in the flashback that he's gonna train with aiglamene for 12 weeks

let's assume that's kind of the amount of time gideon trained, plus the time it took harrow to plot how to girlsplain, gatekeep and gaslight gideon into it

the only one girlbossing here is camilla, I don't make the rules

so, if gideon and harrow were ready to leave the ninth somewhere around 2-3 months after the flashback, it'd be circa 11 months before the events in the prologue

and ch. 1 starts 9 months before the events in the prologue

so gideon might have happened somewhere around 11-10 months before the prologue

I can't tell how long they were in canaan house (it felt like 12 years and 5 minutes at the same time) but I think about a month is mostly right, given that once bodies start dropping, things are all happening together

all of this is relative, since time in space is ????

but I need to do this for my own peace of mind

if you give me time measurements I'm gonna measure, ok?

I need to organize things

I know I will end up making a graphic at some point I just know it

this is what I get for calling palmolive a turbonerd

ANYWAY, MOVING ON

or, moving back, since we're in prologue 2: electric bogaloo aka flashback time

here we have ortus (the one we knew, not the one we will get to know, according to the characters list) telling harrow he doesn't wanna go to the field trip

this is ortus

if you're wondering why I don't nickname ortus, I'll repeat myself but "orto" means "ass" where I'm from, so that's enough to remember him by

harrow is like "I know you're underqualified but we're understaffed, so it is what it is"

the important part is that harrowbean says she sees the barbie in the freezer walking about

like a ghost or whatnot

she refers to her as "the body" and I assume that's barbie in the ice cube because someone reblogged my recap where I mentioned her and tagged

ever since then I've been wondering why she was referred to as The Body and now I'm gonna assume this is it

so harrow tells ortus he needs to hide the fact that she's mentally unstable

[non funny side note: masking is unbearable and it's awful we live in a social and cultural environment where we feel pressured to do it, especially when you're an adult having to fulfill expectations of supposedly "age-specific" activities and responsibilities, it's exhausting and I cried about that in therapy a mere week ago so, hitting hard, this bit

don't let people make you feel "less than" because the way in which you navigate the world and your experiences is different from what's expected in some theoretical socially constructed category

and fuck everyone who, in order to put people down in arguments online, ever make fun of those who aren't mentally, economically or socially as independent as what the category of an adult is supposed to be to them

argue with concepts, argue with opinions and facts, don't tear people down in the name of "moral upper hand" by telling people they're losers for needing help

side note done]

so, harrow entered the whole canaan thing not only carrying the weight of her house, her family and her entire people

she also came into it believing she's not mentally sound and seeing The Body walking around unnoticed by other people

whether or not her visions are mentally unsettled or something that actually happens because she opened the tomb, just the whole situation of her birth is enough to make anyone collapse, so we got you, harrowbean

we're here for you

and all that without mentioning what it'd be like seeing your girlfriend cavalier impale herself in front of you

I'm taking liberties with the 'girlfriend' bit but idk

so, next we know, 5 months have passed from that and harrowcita is struggling in her new environment of the clown emperor's ship

she is made to carry gideon's sword and she can't

she can't seem to know what to do or to communicate with said knowledge and she's throwing up a lot

WHICH IS GREAT!!!!!

I mean, it's not great that she's suffering

but it's GREAT because if she can't communicate with gideon's slurped soul, maybe it means gideon's soul has not been slurped AT ALL

more fuel for my wishful thinking of gideon's soul returning to her and getting regenerated and saved and being alive

I also like very much this situation in which harrow sees the sword as personified and they hate each other without gideon

it's like prim's cat in the hunger games with katniss

but with an inanimate object

I'm really liking that dynamic

is like they both miss her and can't relate to each other

ALSO barbie body ice cube is still there

just chillin' and being silently supportive, I think

not sure what her deal is but what if she's not the bad one here? because this emperor kind of sucks tbh

not in a 'he's evil' way but in a 'idk if he know what he's doing' way

I don't know about this guy tbh

so we're leaving off with harrow being mentally and physically struggling, ghost barbie roamin' the rooms, voices of people organizing stock and gideon in my head like this, walking in limbo to get back to us

also, another day without camilla

I thought I wasn't gonna have much to say and this is so long, I'm so sorry...

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

a

Yesterday i got the craziest message out of the blue .. My ex bf from 2011-2013's other ex gf who he was with before me hit me up to say that he got arrested?? And that her and like 5 other people are pressing charges against him for assault spanning across all different periods of time.. it's really wild idk how to feel. She said if i feel comfortable i can give my own testimony for when they go to court , even tho i dont live in england anymore.. Im like yeah honestly i will because like this dude is so unrelentingly violent and scary he legit almost killed me it was so extreme, i've known a lot of corrupt ppl but he is the only one i've always thought needs to be locked away from society like it's a murder scene waiting to happen not to mention he is just a straightup rapist

it's crazy too cus like 4 or 5 nights ago i had a dream that me and him and the girl who messaged me were all watching videos of ourselves in that time period like i even posted about it on here. i thought it was just a typical trauma processing dream not an actual premonition of something i would have to revisit irl

She said something about how she'd been looking back in her old fb messages with him to help paint a picture of the timeline so out of morbid curiosity today i checked to see if i still had ours. Sure enough i do, i've never looked at them retroactively before, but holy shit like... He is so much more of a monster than i even remembered, i dont get triggered easily anymore but it genuinely hurt my heart to see how horrible he was. Every conversation is just him snapping at me because i didnt respond to him fast enough or something so minor, and the whole time im just trying to apologize and de-escalate but it makes him more and more furious. the day before i was about to fly to london to move back in with him he was threatening to kill himself because i was going to my friends house to say bye to them. He was like "You're going to a party i just know it you're lying to me you'd never tell me you're really going to a party because you know i'm suicidal you've ruined my night you're a piece of shit" Like this was the NIGHT before i was about to leave everything behind just for him

i'm like rly shocked at everything i saw in that convo today im not even scratching the surface with this post. Anyways i guess it's cool that there is some justice happening right now and the people who survived him have been able to band together to try and ensure he can't hurt anyone else in the future. i rly wish none of us ever had to go thru any of that tho ugh i was so young i just really had no idea and it fucked me up for many many years afterwards. ive come a long way tho .

ill probly delete later cus idk who lurks this blog. i prefer not to show weakness :K But yeah.. just wanted to express this crazy unexpected life event and get it off my chest while its fresh

Peace and love !!!

[nakanotamu]

good day madam, i am a hungry lesbian in need of your gayest wresting moments. can you spare me a cup of gay?

Anon you have come to the right person. Everything's been leading up to this. This is what it's all been for. This will probably be long.

Anon I got so excited about this I even solicited my friends for THEIR gayest moments so I'll do those first. You were recommended:

Mahiro Kiryu briefly getting a takarazuka gimmick in TJPW's Hyper Misao produced show HYPE

Giulia vs Konami from the 5 Star GP 2021, which was described as "the first match I remember watching and going OH MY GOD KONAMI AND GIULIA ARE FUCKING", and their feud did later give us a promo where Konami was like "Hey Giulia, you know how I bully you and you like it?" and Giulia was like "Ahaha, yeah?" and Konami was like "Well that's basically our entire relationship, so there you go." She did have examples.

pretty much anything with Raku/Pom Harajuku/Yuki Aino in TJPW, who my friends have lovingly dubbed the Pomycule

Okay enough from them though. You didn't ask them, you asked me and I asked them. Now for the me. I think it's important to note as well, anon, that not all of the gay shit in wrestling happens in a match, or even in the ring. Sometimes it's just shit on social media, a lot of the time it happens at press conferences, you must maintain constant vigilance. Anyway.

Whatever the fuck Syuri and Utami have going on, which I wrote about here.

There was the time Himeka kissed Syuri last year

There was Komomo enjoying getting beat up by Saki Kashima a Little Too Much, which I wrote about here.

There was the exchange between Utami and Syuri at the press conference for Stardom Gold Rush last year

There was Tam Nakano starting an entire faction to, in her own words, surround herself with women with big boobs (their focus has since shifted)

There was AliKaba, the tag team of Giulia and Syuri, which was basically just one long enactment of gay longing from Giulia

There was the time Giulia posted this picture with the caption ^-^ and then deleted it

There was the time FWC, the tag team of Hazuki and Koguma, spent 5 hours in the bath together (sadly they just talked about that I don't have pictures)

another time FWC both got matching bruises at the same time, and then later confirmed that yes they got them together. In the bath again

There were both Cosmic Rules matches at Stardom in Showcase 1 & 2 which I unfortunately don't have any great screenshots of but I'm positive were inspired by lesbian porn

There are constant small exchanges like this that don't even have a lot of context they just happen all the time

There was the time Hikari Noa had a hardcore match against Nao Kakuta and after they did this

There was the time Mina Shirakawa spat on Saya Kamitani and then licked her face

There was this shit in Act Wres Girlz, which for the record kind of depressingly does not do gay stories super frequently but has legitimately I think the highest percentage of out wrestlers I've seen in any company

There was the brief Tam Syuri feud which shockingly somehow did not involve anyone kissing but had the vibe that they were kissing mentally the entire time

There was every single exchange Tam and Natsupoi had before they realized they were still in love with each other but ESPECIALLY their cage match

And, for my money, the gay moment that lives the largest and dearest and most bittersweet in my mind was when Tam and Unagi had their singles match as part of the 5 Star GP last year, which was, unknown to us at the time, something of a farewell tour for Unagi before she went freelance, where afterwards they hugged in the ring for two minutes and then kissed.

I'm gonna cut myself off there but trust me I could go on and on and on for way too long but that's why I think you should watch for yourself. Wrestling is always moving and new gay stuff is always happening. In conclusion,

[akookminsupporter]

It's incredible frustrating to see the narrative shift from " mhj doing illegal shit with hybe having literal proof of it" to " apparently hybe is now in a cult and bts is at the center of it because reasons"?? Mhj dropping names left and right and getting their respective fandoms riled up against each other but more importantly against bts because we all know kpop fans don't care about anything else other than bashing on bts :) we have literal fans of disbanded groups crawling out of holes to try to insert themselves into this whole mess just so they can make a tweet about bts when their groups haven't been active for literal years. Saying bts paid their way to the top but then they kept saying bts will never succeed because they can't even afford to pay their producers.. so which is it :) I've met a lot of people in my life but nobody was as fucking stupid, dense, ignorant and sometimes borderline racist as kpop fans. And I know our fandom does the same and I'm not saying we don't have people like that. But holy fuck. Kpop fans are truly some of the stupidest people on earth.

BTS shouldn't even be in this mess in the first place if it wasn't for mhj name dropping them and admitting that shaman story. It took me a long time to realise that it was indeed a true story and not just some fabricated story because holy fuck who in their right mind does that. We literally had everything from accusing them of every single possible thing that is known to men to bighit going to court for them just because some people can't accept the PAST 10 YEARS. Like these hate campaigns are literally insane and if everyone could just take 5 seconds to think about them, we wouldn't be here: I mean imagine if Taylor swift or Beyonce or Coldplay had to go to court to prove that they didn't do illegal shit. But because it's BTS everyone just dismisses it with "oh they are very famous it's to be expected" and moves on. Meanwhile it's not to be expected and it's literally insane that some people are running these hate campaigns against 7 real life existing literal living breathing people and so many people don't even bat an eye.

Apparently the k-gp is siding with mhj rn because the overworked and tired office workers resonate with her sticking up to her boss - while she's also a literal CEO and reportedly has been horrible to her employees? Okay I guess.

I have my own problems with hybe and bighit and bang pd, I have A LOT of problems with them so I don't want to sound like someone who is siding with the company, but holy fuck can we just get back to the main point? Which is mhj doing illegal shit ?? And leave BTS and le sserafim and seventeen and txt and I don't fucking know who else out of this? I'm not even a fan of any of them and I have half of their fandoms blocked for stupid shit but they have nothing to do with this issue and still get dragged into this.

I sincerely hope bighit sues everyone.

THIS IS CRAZY? And why is BTS ALWAYS THE BAD GUY?! WTF?

Im so fucking tired of Kpoppies 🤬🤬🤬🤬

[mikachacha]

𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕 (𝙱𝚊𝚍𝚊 𝙻𝚎𝚎 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛) 𝙿𝚝. 7

Synopsis: you got fed up by Bada constantly seeking you out so you finally confront her in hopes that she would stop.

Warnings: angst, cursing, reader revisits the trauma and pain caused by Bada

(A/N: writing this hurt my heart because damn, this story is a wild ride)

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

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As the show progressed, you would've expected Bada to stop bothering you but you were definitely wrong. Not only did she actively seek you out but she'd do everything just for you to notice her and talk to her which annoyed you to no end. You just wanted to live your life in peace and do your work in peace but she's definitely not gonna give you that. You're honestly tired and just wanted to move on so one afternoon, you dragged her outside so you could talk in private. You caught Yeni's eye on your way out and she gave you a thumbs up which made you smile and calmer on the inside. Things with Yeni have been doing great, that you would say. She's the complete opposite of Bada but you told her that you weren't ready yet, not until you're finally sure that you're over with Bada and it will only happen if you guys talk, which is happening right now.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! Does it cause you excruciating pain whenever you see me happy that's why you always try and ruin it?! Look, you've already won three years ago. You already broke me down, you already made me lose myself while loving you so what more do you want?! I've given you everything! Gave you all my love, gave you all of me but it wasn't enough for you. It wasn't enough.. Always not enough.." you felt all of the pain came crashing back again as you're alone there with Bada. You were crying but you stood your ground.

"Y/N- It's not that.. I just wanted-" Bada started but you cut her off. You have so much anger that's been pent up for years and you just wanted to let it all out on her. You want her to feel the pain you felt all those years from what she did to you.

"Of course it's gonna always be what you wanted.. Have you ever thought about what I wanted? Have you ever thought about anyone else other than yourself? Fuck! I thought I was okay already. I thought I was healed from all the pain you brought but I was damn wrong.. Our past still haunts me to this day, did you know that? I couldn't bring myself to love someone new because I'm scared all of them will end up like you! Someone who just takes me for granted and takes my love for granted.. Why did you do that to me, Bada? Why??" you asked and Bada just looked at you, her own tears falling as she watched you cry in front of her, asking her why she did those things to you.

"Y/N please.. Listen to me. Even just this last time. I swear I'm not gonna bother you anymore. I know what I did has no excuse. I played with you, I hurt you, I took you for granted. I was an asshole. I thought I could get away with everything because I was rising to the top. But when you went back to the states, I realized how much of an idiot I was because at that moment I lost the one real thing I've ever known which was your love. I know my apology won't be able to fix this, sorry will not take back the pain I caused you. That it won't magically turn back time so I could make things better and take away the trauma I have caused. But please, even if I have to beg and kneel in front of you, please at least let me make it up to you.." Bada then proceeded to kneel in front of you, crying as she held your hands and continued to ask you for a chance to make it up to you even just as your friend. The once proud Bada Lee is just crying and begging, much like you did three years before.

Your own knees gave out as you continued to cry. You resent her for doing all those things to you but you also wanted to forgive her so you can also move on with your life. You know you won't be to love someone truly if you keep the baggage of the past and hold you down. You need to let go of it, forgive Bada and yourself for the things that had happened between you.

You were so lost in your own thoughts that you didn't notice you and Bada were hugging each other, crying and her apologizing to you repeatedly until she was hoarse. Team Bebe had to get her and Yeni brought you to Wolf'Lo's hideout so she can take care of you and make sure you're okay. She had admitted that she's in love with you and that she's willing to wait for you until you're ready to love once more. She supported you, showed you that love can also be a beautiful thing. Yeah it can hurt sometimes but it doesn't have to be all of the time. She's been nothing but patient and caring for you and you feel so bad that you can't reciprocate the feelings she has for you. You just can't bring yourself to love her back especially when you still haven't fully let go of the pain Bada caused.

"I'm sorry, Yeni.. I'm really sorry.." you sobbed as she cuddled with you on the couch. She just kisses the top of your head and rubs your back in a comforting manner like she always does when you cry.

"Jagiya.. There's nothing to be sorry about. I know you're hurting, I know that the wounds of the past haven't fully healed yet but I'm still gonna be here. I won't go off to love someone else when you're still healing. I'm gonna be with you until the day comes you're ready to share your life with me." Yeni says and you just hugged her. If only you met her sooner then none of this would've happened. You're thankful to have her by your side and you couldn't ask for anyone better.

"Thank you, Yeni.. Thank you for not giving up on me and for loving despite all this.. I just hope you can still wait for me." you said as you finally fell asleep from how exhausted you felt from all that crying. Yeni smiled a bit and pressed a kiss on your head.

"I'll wait for you Y/N, no matter how long it takes." she says and just lets you rest.

Meanwhile, Bada had to be attended to by medics. She passed out from how much she cried. Her guilt from seeing how pained you were by her actions three years before just became too much. She regrets everything and just wishes to be able to at least make it up to you, or take all of the pain she inflicted so you could find love again because everyone knows you deserve that. Bada knows you deserve to be loved, to be cherished and to be taken care of. You didn't deserve to be hurt, to be abused, to be taken for granted. You didn't deserve any of that. You were way too good, you were way too pure and Bada wasted all that.

"We should've seen this behaviour years ago.. I thought they were okay. I never knew that Y/N endured so much behind closed doors." Lusher sighs, they heard everything as they were looking for Bada to consult on a routine earlier.

"I hope they both find happiness and that they both forgive themselves from the things that happened between them since no one could change the past.." Tatter says as they watched the medics telling Bada to breathe and to not think of anything else as she began crying again. It was a heartbreaking sight but no one could do anything about it. Only you and Bada could fix this.

———;

@lil-elliesgf @efyyylee @hwm1hyun @mikaleialt @bunnywonyo @badaswifey @mrs-grim-reaper @b1ackbunny @wifey-badalee

[iaus]

okay. i need to like. keep myself distracted until noon so. woe porter write up be upon ye. (feat jace because. well i mean look at me.)

So last time I did a little write up it was just a quick phone typed teehee here's some Jace headcanons but Porter has been fucking bugging me. I have a lot of thought put into this dude, but haven't really... written him much yet. So:

-> He is the Solace equivalent of an army brat. Raised in a military (paladin) family and moved around a lot. This is part of the reason he's really confident in himself because he was actually? Pretty popular? Wherever he went. I have diagnosed him with unfortunately hot his whole life so now he is the way he is.

-> Oldest of *hand wave* siblings (not committing to his family size just yet because I don't want to retcon my own hcs) and this sort of fuels into his rage. He was held to an impossibly high standard (that he was proud to meet! He did hit those goals!) and he was raised very much in a tough love environment, and then his parents slowly loosened up as they had more kids so Porter was really pissed off and angry because he thought his parents were doing a disservice to his little siblings. How are they going to be the best they could be if they're not being pushed? (Porter himself does not engage with this thought on a deeper level.)

-> I think he's somewhat estranged with his family at this point. It's not really a conscious cut off, but more of just we email updates every once in a while and his parents and a few siblings send moonar yulenear (i'm crying i hate typing this out every time) cards. He's that distant uncle who lives with his best friend to some of his siblings' kids. His youngest sibling actually just hates his guts and refuses to talk to him.

-> Yes. He is as confident as he projects, but Jace specifically does something to him. I'll get into that in a bit.

-> He's had a handful of what he counts as serious relationships, but the partners he had always ended up being like. Are we going to get married. Are we ever doing more than this? And Porter was always like. No? Isn't this as good as it gets?

-> I like the idea of him being (a bit) younger than Jace, but I haven't actually got into the nitty gritty of making timelines yet so just know they're nebulously the same age (midlife crisis age).

-> I think I said in my first fic that Porter was Jace's senior by a few years, but I also like the idea of Jace being at Aguefort like 5-ish years when Porter starts teaching. I'm not really committing to either at this point. But, either way I picture him at least in his early 50s by junior year.

-> The teacher Porter respected most at Aguefort was his barbarian teacher who had a very similar teaching approach. It was all about results. If you had to have a bit of tough love to get to your goals? Yeah. You are getting that.

Okay. There's some. Basics for him.

Now. Here's the real reason I wanted to write this teehee.

Porter's deep-seated unhealthy Jace obsession <3

I think Porter is used to actually being pretty popular.

He's not one to get ignored if he shows attention to someone. It's happened once or twice, but he decided that person just wasn't that interesting at all actually.

Jace kind of writes him off when they first meet.

Jace is pleasant (something something obnoxiously friendly) but not pleasant enough for Porter not to pick up a vibe from him. So, while Jace is quietly being like. Unfortunately, I am a stereotype and find the barbarian hot. Porter is like what is this dude's fucking deal.

So, he ends up pursuing Jace. He plays up his charm that he usually doesn't bother with and ends up realizing wow. WOW. He's fucked up I need to know more. And I think a lot of what Porter does that's sweet is him being like. Well. I've been in relationships before and I can recognize a giant ego like my own so I'll go through the motions to keep him coming back so I can keep figuring him out.

(Idiot.)

But. This ends up with Porter figuring out that Jace is like. Scary good with magic and Jace just rolls his eyes like of course. Magic is innate but also I'm just good. And that is catnip for Porter. Here is this arrogant caster who is so sure of himself and ignores me if he doesn't want something from me I need to make him mine. (He's fallen for the trap. He really has. He doesn't see that Jace's ego is huge, but also really fragile.)

Which leads to Jace leaving Porter out of the blue (in his perception). And he is so fucking pissed about it, so he keeps pursuing Jace. (Again. Again. He falls for it. This is what Jace wants.) And they get locked in this horrible, self-fulfilling cycle.

Porter's not used to being left the way Jace leaves him and Jace isn't used to getting chased the way Porter chases him and it's...

So unhealthy.

But god is it everything they both want.

[mosses-gate-3]

How does Andis, Salix and Ren feel about kids? Do they like them, or just find them annoying? Are they any good with kids? Would they ever want kids of their own?

Bonus question: Tell us about their kids if they ever have any!

okokok I did do a similar ask a bit ago with Salix & Andy BUT! I have been thinking a ridiculous amount about regale children

Ren I think is surprisingly good with kids. One of their biggest strengths is keeping a calm, neutral outward appearance in stressful situations, and I think that translates over really well to childcare. They enjoy spending time with the kids at the Grove. As for whether they'd actually want kids of their own:

I don't think they and Gale can physically have bio kids together, nor do they want to. But I was thinking about them and children and a thing came to me.

“So you remember the egg from the creche, yes?” “…The one we put in a bag of holding six years ago and forgot about?” “…Well, I'd say it was less a random choice and more a calculated decision made for the good of the egg and our group, but yes - I've been researching and it’s fascinating, really, Githyanki eggs can incubate for extended amounts of time in the Astral plane due to a number of unique conditions and, theoretically, this property extends to pocket dimensions such as those created by a bag of holding. It’s been a dream of mine to study the precise conditions that make this possible for years–" "Gale, love, didn't you say this was urgent?" "Right! Yes. It’s hatching.” “It’s WHAT.”

...And then they go around frantically calling up Lae'zel and the others, and there's an impromptu six-year-anniversary reunion while they try to figure out how the fuck to take care of an egg baby. Featuring Dadstarion... NOT.

After he's safely born they all have a very long conversation about who should keep it. Wyll and Karlach are the obvious first choice but they're dealing with a lot of change at the moment (Wyll's training to become Grand Duke and they're moving back in to Baldur's Gate and aren't in a place for a baby yet.) Lae'zel is still fighting a civil war, Shadowheart has a lot on her plate already, and I wouldn't trust Astarion anywhere near a baby let alone with CUSTODY of one (see previous). So Ren and Gale keep the child and name him Xan. Look into his dead, soulless eyes.

They all try to stay in his life in some way. Lae'zel visits when she can. Shadowheart is like a cool wine aunt who's always around. Astarion is like a cool wine aunt who's never around. Karlach and Wyll, Wyll especially, are practically co-parenting the kid. He's not in the right situation for kids right now but he will be the best damn babysitter this side of Avernus.

But fear not, because in a couple years the two of them will have kids of their own! DAD WYLL LIVES IN MY BRAIN RENT FREE OKAY. I think their names are Talia and Jayden and they're raised very close with Xan, he sees them as his younger siblings and is very protective of them.

Here's Xan and Jayden! Talia is probably behind them. At this point Xan's about 10, Talia is 7 or so, and Jayden is around 4 or 5.

Xan inherited Gale's expressiveness and tendency to gesticulate, and Ren's logical mind and speech mannerisms. I think he's generally very responsible. Other than that he's hardly similar to his parents at all, he doesn't care for academics much and most likely becomes a melee class later. They're very proud of him anyway; it's probably for the better he didn't turn out Mystra's next Chosen or something.

When he gets older he and his siblings set out to become adventurers! Talia is a cleric of no deity in particular (that is a thing you can do I looked it up apparently the power can just come from something you really believe in) and Jayden's a sorcerer (I have Karlach classed as a wild magic barbarian in my playthrough which is where he gets it from.) Xan is a paladin, I don't know which oath, probably Ancients or Devotion. I'm currently working on aged up designs for them, I'll reblog this with them when I'm done.

That's pretty much all I have so far but this is pretty much what I consider canon after the game, at least in Ren's playthrough! I'm sure they'll be excellent parents. Even if they did forget a literal living baby in their bag of holding for SIX YEARS... But it's fine there was a lot going on. Thank god for the weird githyanki physics I made up.

[glacierbash]

Y'know, any time I start to talk about this game, I feel obligated to lead with the funniest fact I have: I absolutely hated Final Fantasy, for myriad reasons both personal and amusing. I hated, for example, the way Elezen were shaped. I hated that Lalafell looked so young. I hated that everybody acted like it was so great, and by sheer contrarian nature I decided I would simply never play this game. And for quite some time, that worked! I'd bombard my partner with whatever media algorithms recommended me involving FFXIV, just to make fun of it. I detested this MMO, without having ever tried it. And yet, deep down, I knew I wanted a community. I wanted to be around people, even if through an online medium. When I worked at the library, my coworker set up a WoW private server that I spent some time fucking around in, but deep down I wanted people. Try as I might, I couldn't deny some part of me wanted to see what the game was all about.

So, I tried it. I spent 30 minutes exactly between opening the character creator to first posting a name that, genuinely, would define more than 2 years of my life: Iverelle Vauvenelle.

I spend about 2 days playing the game, one being chased around by strangers who my partner swore were good people, and one just questing on my own--and it was fine. I got to MSQ level 24, quite literally one quest away from being able to travel to other city states, and I stopped. I played my fair share, I played 5 hours, and I decided the game wasn't for me. I put it down for several months, when I was approached by somebody who I am no longer friends with. He said I should play the game again, keep going just long enough to travel to Gridania, so that I could see one of his alts--and maybe, we could play together! I didn't want to upset him, so I said "fine," and gave it another try.

By the end of the week, I was finishing up ARR, and moving into post patch, and something just... Changed for me. I'm not sure what it was, honestly. It's not like the game magically changed for me then, or if Iverelle had become perhaps my most meaningful character ever, but something shifted, and I found myself enjoying the game. It didn't even make sense to me then when I bought a subscription to the game, but I knew that something here was special. I just... Had to.

Post patch took me about a month, with multiple days spent stressing out over queuing into Good King Mogglemog out of fear and anxiety, because the trial was labeled as hard and my disorder was, frankly, at its worst. But, I managed to do so anyways. The victory was meaningless for most people, but for me? It was beyond words, just how important it was that I did content with other people, especially considering I went through all of ARR solo.

I made it to the end of ARR, to the infamous cutscene, when I realized I was sick with covid. In VC with two of my friends, I said the infamous line: "I think I have a fever." What a way to enter Heavensward, huh? I think it is in no small part due to Covid that Heavensward ended up being my favorite expansion of all time, and why Ysayle Dangoulain ended up being my favorite character of all time. Sickness and quarantine gave me all the time in the world, and being far too sick to be anxious, I sped through the story. One week later, I was done with Heavensward.

And of course, by now, I am finished with Endwalker and awaiting Dawntrail. For 2 years of my life now, I have been playing this game nigh daily. I stay up late playing it, I finish my daily responsibilities as soon as possible to play it, and I find myself enjoying it. I never thought that would happen, truth be told. More importantly than enjoying the game itself, though, is the friends I met.

I have lived a very isolated life. Partially due to my anxiety making me extremely averse to interacting with people, and partially due to how I've been raised, I struggle a lot with people. Autism, anxiety, and having not been properly socialized made me terrible. I longed for new friends, but I hated the effort that went into it. Imagine my surprise when one day, I found myself driving out to meet people who I play this game with, to spend time with them? When I found myself wanting to meet them?

And yet, here I was. I was driving out to meet these people who I play this game with--and more importantly, they wanted to meet me. Even as I think back on that day, I start to tear up. It was one of the most important days of my life. Were it not for this game, for playing it daily, for being dragged into a Free Company and for sitting in calls with people because of this game, I would not have known these people. They are some of the most important people in my life.

I think of the late nights playing Mahjong, or doing PVP, or treasure maps, or just sitting around talking. I think of those nights and then having to wake up early for work, waking up exhausted but so happy. I think of staying up until damn near 5 in the morning talking about whatever it is that comes to mind. I think about stupid inside jokes, and shared experiences, and the stories that I'll tell for years to come.

It's just a game. Final Fantasy XIV is, at the end of the day, just a game--and yet, that game has served as a way for me to grow as a person in ways I've never thought possible. My anxiety has not magically been cured, mind; but, when I'm able to talk to strangers and my heartrate doesn't skyrocket, when I'm able to do things in this game that once terrified me, when I'm able to exist comfortably not just in this game but in the outside world, I realize that it's done more for me than I'll ever be able to say. Yes, it is just a game, but people play a game due to a shared interest, no? And through that shared interest, friendships can blossom. To say that I love my friends, the people I met ultimately because of this game, would be an understatement, and I fear I do not make that clear enough.

Stupid as it is to say, Final Fantasy XIV has changed my life, for the better. Dawntrail is coming in just a few short hours, and though I am a whirlwind of emotions, the predominant one is excitement. I was there for the end of an era, and now I am here for the start of a new one.

So thank you. If you read all the way through this, thank you. If you skimmed just to the end, thank you. Thank you to my friends, especially. I would not be here as I am now were it not for you all.

Here's to a new adventure, friends :^] (Second screenshot featuring: @gailiag, the best viera on hydaelyn)

[jihopesjoint]

hi

i need to overshare a bit which is undeserved given how much i don't contribute online but hey. i'm just trying to get outta my own head for a second

i came to tumblr at the end of 2022 with no intention of interacting or having a presence; i just wanted to be a silent reader. i lost that intention pretty much immediately because there are so many fucking delightful people in this community and i latched on pretty quickly because i've been somewhat isolated in my offline life. it's been a little over a year now, and i let this place become what most things become to me: a source of shame. i'm not reading enough, i'm not reviewing enough, i'm ignoring messages, i'm a bad friend, a flake, etc. i was so excited to be here, and then 2023 turned out to be one of the most exhausting years of my life

this isn't just about tumblr though. i ignore messages from my offline friends every day too. i don't have any social media on my phone. i was unemployed when i came back to tumblr and i'm recently unemployed again. i'm moving crosscountry in a fucking week and am about to live with my parents... again. i've moved out and back in with them 5 times now. i haven't packed a single thing. and for some stupid ass reason, i've decided it's time to go to grad school.

i'm so fucking tired. i'm. SO. fucking. tired. i want to go to sleep for like a decade, yes, but mostly i'm so tired of simultaneously not being enough and being too much emotionally. as in: i have too much anxiety and insecurity and i can't show up enough for myself or anyone else. i am tired of self-sabotaging and being paralyzed by overwhelm. i'm tired of seeing piles of my hair on the floor and i'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing just how much hair i pulled out the day before, knowing that i'm just going to do it again. i'm tired of having to work so fucking hard to just *hope* that one day i'll have something to show for... whatever the fuck i've been doing for the entirety of my adult life. i'm tired of happiness in small bursts that dissipate quickly and leave me with... *gestures*. i'm tired of feeling like one singular message is too much to respond to. tired of self-isolating. tired of not even beginning to know what could help me, so even though i want to ask for support, i don't.

i have been in therapy and on meds for 10 YEARS!!!!!!!! many would argue that there's plenty to show for it, and i'm sure they're right. but for me (and maybe this is part of the problem) it's not enough. i'm disappointed in myself a lot.

wrapping it up. normally, i might compulsively say things that indicate that i know that i will be better eventually because otherwise folks are uncomfortable or worried. but i think that for once, for like two seconds, i need to let myself be fucking hopeless. i think that would do more for me than trying to talk myself out of negative feelings.

[morethanmeetstheass]

Tell us the “sob story” 8O

lol im gonna put this under a cut so its not massive, but here u go, sob story!

so i think i mentioned that my former apartment got lit on fire, so i had to move to a new place because i was too fuckin scared to live in that place anymore. upside, the guy who blew up my furnace got fired, so W

lived in apartment 2 for a while, it was pretty good, but extremely lonely! i had no local friends At All and like, exactly 1 online friend, so i was wallowing in a sea of loneliness for like, a solid year and a half living there. woe is me, whatever. eventually decided fuck this place, i wanna move back to new york-- i went to uni there, i was born there, i loved it there so i wanted to go back. bought a house, WHEEE-- THAT was a hell of a nightmare, house had code violations, contract was a mess, it was a whole stressful thing. but we got it settled. i have a house now! so that's cool!

but it's also not! because i had a friend/situationship i guess? in new york and i invited them to live with me bc they needed somewhere to live, i'd feel more comfortable having a roommate bc im still afraid to cook and use heat or anything, it was a win win. we went on a few dates back in like, 2020, and i was like, we'll see where things go romantically! without really any expectations of whether we'd get together or not, since ive changed a LOT since 2020 and i really didnt know them all that well. but hey, potential partner! we'll call them jill.

wrench got thrown in THAT when i met a guy, oops! started modding for a pretty big youtuber who's also become one of my best friends, and met a wonderful guy. we very much fell for each other and are now dating. we'll call him levi. told jill hey, i met someone, so suna x jill isnt gonna happen. that didnt go well! jill was apparently much more under the impression that we were gonna date than i was, and was/is very heartbroken about it. whoops! so now i live with someone who is currently still in love with me, while dating someone else! yikes!

which would be fine if there wasnt also a shitload of drama about jill cleaning up their stuff! they've been here for almost 5 months and ive had to ask them dozens of times to please get their huge piles of stuff out of the middle of the floor bc i needed paths for the movers to get their stuff in, i need to unpack my own stuff, etc. they got so upset about me asking them to do this (bear in mind, literally the entire living room was full of stuff FLOOR TO CEILING, and i've given them plenty of warning on dates i was coming to renovate/paint/when my move-in date was) that they threatened to move out and i was like? ok? then move out LMAO. also their cat injured one of my cats and ripped a hole in his ear!

so yes, a lot of unnecessary stress and drama on top of already dealing with all the shit involved with interstate moving, new finances, job changes, relationship changes, all that. the upside being, im very very very happy with levi, im starting to feel settled in my new house, things at my job have calmed down, and things are overall pretty okay. im aware that im extremely privileged to be able to own a house (granted, in an area with a very low cost of living-- the house was like 150k which is actually a semi-sane house price, compared to my friends with 700k homes and stuff LOL) and that my problems arent really all that bad, but topped with the dystopian state of the world right now and the existential dread ive had for months because of it, its just Not been a good time in the suna world. but its ok. things are calming, im making the best of it, and we'll see how things go from here!

[dimonds456]

so. apparently i'm malnurished. (vent/PSA below)

Protip: when you move out to live on your own, DO NOT only eat microwavable food. This will actually kill your body.

I am now at a point where I cannot eat anything that has preservatives or too much sodium (salt) in it. I do not know how to cook for myself, and am now living on nightmare mode because my brain is actively rejecting anything I eat that isn't fresh. I've been okay so far, but my weight, strength, general brain-ing, and other disabilities have all been on a steady decline since I moved out of my parent's house two years ago.

My mental state has also been spiraling with it. My anxiety is 10x worse than it's ever been in my life, causing me to panic over the smallest little things for no real reason. Now that I know that my diet has been slowly killing me, this makes sense.

It also explains why I'm so fucking cold all the time, or why all my symptoms for all of my disabilities have gotten worse. I cannot even take my 5-minute walk home from work without being winded, or even play piano because my arms will hurt from holding them out for too long, simply because I do not have enough energy/strength in my body because I wasn't eating correctly.

This time last year I was convinced I was going to die, and part of the reason why was because A) I was on the wrong dosage of methamizole (which I need to live) and B) I kept missing doctor's appointments. And, now, apparently C) because all I'd been eating at the time was those $1 pot pies and Ramen food packs.

I physically cannot eat frozen foods anymore, I actively cannot. Like literally cannot, my body won't let me even swallow it.

I'm literally living on Sudden Death Mode because this has been building for two years and I never fucking realized until about a month and a half ago, and didn't do anything about it until last fucking week.

Don't do this. PSA.

I now have to speed-learn how to cook my own meals, by myself, while juggling work and taking into account how many spoons (read: energy) I have for that day and trying to just make it. If I don't have the energy to cook anything, then I won't have any food for the next day, and then that'll make me have even less energy.

I'm realizing now that this shit, this shit right here, is probably the core of why I've been acting so off recently. It all stems back to what I've been eating. It's been actively affecting my brain for TWO YEARS, like no shit I don't feel as creative as I did before I left, I've been eating nothing but garbage and now my body is starting to rot with it!

Hopefully I can get the hang of cooking fast, otherwise I am fuuuucked.

[insipid-drivel]

Being disabled and actually starting to live a healthier lifestyle according to the nature of a disability can be so fucking hard.

I know I'm right on the cusp of my quality of life improving dramatically from multiple different factors coming into play recently, but until those things actually happen, all I can do is stay in bed and sit with myselves (DDNOS-1B; google it) while I resist the urge to crumble under all the years of lost opportunities due to my chronic pain and mobility needs.

Like... I know I'm disabled, and have been my whole life, but my journey has been rough as hell. Before I got approved for disability status legally, I couldn't really work despite trying for years to make it as a writer (yeah, I quit, for a lot of reasons), while begging my family to help me out with affording mobility devices.

It took me almost 5 years of pleading just to get my cane. My mom, being my only financial supporter at the time, only ever reacted like I was just being melodramatic. Until I finally got in her face and screamed at her, "I HURT ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I HAVE TO WALK WITHOUT A CANE!"

Another 5 years of begging and pleading for help, and I'm finally getting an electric wheelchair so I can stop pushing myself to walk altogether. A family friend is the owner of a wheelchair and mobility aid company that's not only responsible for some of those awesome offroad wheelchairs with tank treads on them, and he's been sourcing some of the newest and shiniest models of wheelchairs for me with financial assistance, too.

It's just that, now that it's actually in the works and happening, the first thing I have to do is wait. He asked me a lot of questions about my mobility needs and what I like doing that a chair could help me do more easily, and then went off to Miami to a floorshow debut of some even newer-generation, specialty wheelchairs he'll be stocking.

I'm not not excited. I want to be able to move without pain! Of course I want to go outside without worrying I'll fall or have no way to move if my sciatic nerve goes berserk on me! But now that I'm actively waiting for something that's gonna happen, that's actually going to happen...

I've never been more aware of how close my bedroom walls are. I hate asking family members to help me with basic tasks, or even helping me pick up something I knocked over and can't bend down to retrieve/clean up without godawful pain. I've been bedridden for weeks now with what's turned out to be Endometriosis Appearing In My Abdominal Muscles. My PCP has me on a good pain-plan while I wait to see a surgeon (I'm trans so it also doubles as bottom surgery for me yay), but I've never seen myself for how limited I actually am until the promise of more mobility became a reality, and it's really hard not to feel even more self-loathing than I already naturally do.

I'm also angry. Angry that it took so many years of literally crying for help with mobility aids before anyone in my own family took me seriously, while simultaneously wondering why I rarely ever left my room, or even got out of bed, for almost a decade.

At least I have one escape hatch: The DDNOS-1B. I may be in a lot of pain, but Alex has been a champ at fronting for me for hours on end and greying out my senses so I can move around a little more comfortably with less pain medication, get a handful of tiny things done, and getting me fresh air. Sometimes he'll just sit there in front in order to force my perception of time to move faster.

I cannot wait to finally go outside in the sun again when my chair arrives. But until then, I keep remembering the words of Nando Parrado when he was trapped in the Andes and facing despair: "Suffer for a little longer."

[idsb]

hi im new here can you give a brief rundown of like you lol?? where youve lived, jobs, partners, interests, give me the idsb lore please!!!!!

hi!! sure, I have a lot of new followers and I was just thinking the other day abt this and how my blog is like 70/30 my personal life v Taylor so that must be confusing for new people. so yes! here's the spark notes:

My name is Holly and I just turned 28! I grew up outside of Boston and lived in NYC for ~10 years after I went to art school there. I dropped out of college after one semester to pursue my actual dream of touring with artists. After I dropped out I spent a while willingly homeless in NYC so that I could establish myself & my career there. Eventually it worked & I had been doing freelance photography, videography, graphic design and merch sales as steady income since ~2017. I was in a 5 year, emotionally abusive relationship with my high school sweetheart and finally ended it in 2018. A bit after this, I went to Australia for the first time with my then-friend now-boyfriend (Nov 2018). I've been obsessed with Australia since I was like 5 years old and it was an incredible adventure. I spent about 3 weeks there alone without then-friend, and during those 3 weeks met a Man. The last night we spent in Australia on this trip was Christmas Eve, and said man invited me to have an outdoor Love Actually screening and have a wine picnic with him and all his friends. it was one of the best nights of my life. We hooked up and he singlehandedly cured some sex-related fears I had from the previous relationship and I couldn't stop thinking about it for months. Back in America (Jan 2019) I entered my hoe phase in a never-ending quest for validation and slept with every guitarist I'd ever worked with while meanwhile having a big mental breakdown. Enter a John Mayer vibing man we called the Guitarist here, and a lot of Bad Shit he did to me in his own validation quest mental breakdown (May-August 2019). Clearly my only choice was to fly back to Australia to see the other guy! And I did (September 2019)! Then I was mega depresso when I went home bc my life felt hopeless & I'd already lived out all the hope it had going for it :) I continued my hoe phase and chronicled it via Spice Nights where I’d just answer nsfw asks and give advice for like 8 hours straight. This is waxing over it but it was chaotic and I cannot understate the Depression (Feb 2020).

Then the pandemic happened whomp whomp. I lost all my gigs and posted about it on Tumblr dot com, this blog gained a very large following sort of bc of being a Taylor blog and sort of bc of live-blogging all the drama. ms Taylor Swift saw it and she sent me $3,000 to cover my rent for all of lockdown. a lot happened as a result of that but in the end I realized it was not smart to stay in NYC and spent summer 2020 roadtripping around the US with my then-friend who had first come to Australia with me, who had since joined the leagues of guitar-playing-employer-i-was-sleeping-with (there were 4 in total but I was in loveeeeee w this one). Big Cruel Summer vibes. my friend group exploded partially as a result of my behavior and partially bc they were cunts who didn't care about John Mayer vibe man manipulating me. So then I said fuck it and moved to Montana to work in a national park w guitar guy I Actually Loved who had become my boyfriend at that point, and we lived there until winter 2021. Then I started touring again, got insanely successful, was making more money than most people I knew with salaried jobs and booking work all over the world, my relationship ended over some drama I found out about way after the fact but then we got back together & moved in together (May 2023). Going great. Then I got so fucking burnt out from my job I was like stop the presses I am fucking off to Australia I can't do the music industry and the mega late-stage capitalism anymore. so now I live in Melbourne and am a bartender at a fancy cocktail bar and my relationship is sort of a LDR but I’m going home soon maybe(?) and that is what you missed on Glee!!!!

[feuqueerfire]

Wandee Goodday Ep 7 Live Blogging

Whoop whoop 2nd week in a row that I'm managing to watch the show right after it airs. Although I did consider not watching it for 1-2 days so that I can finish my binge watch of Unknown (I'm so excited to see petty Yuan in ep 8 heh) but thought I should just watch this one before I find out everything that happens through tumblr and twitter posts.

I'm in sort of an angsty mood, esp after the last few Unknown eps that I've watched, so I'm expecting some angst here too. Eps 5-6 of Wandee have been happy and fun while they ignore their feelings and problems, so I need some of that to burst and cause issues.

Ep 7 (June 15)

7-1

showing a little support for psychiatry, though idk how helpful it is to make somebody go when they don't really wanna go

Does Yak want a mouth kiss if he wins?

Yak finds a photo of Ter and Dee in a book and it casts doubt in his mind ig

ohhh Dee was planning on throwing it out but in the end kept it and he had even written "love Dr. Ter the most" on the back

pls Kao's frustration as the audience stand-in

"...might lead to losing them"

Did Ter hear the part that gives away that they're not real bfs

well, he knows they're not dating fr anyway but still the audacity to confront Yak like this

Ter using his knowledge about Dee gained for the past 8 years against Yak, agh. like you knew him all this time and must have known he liked you and yet now that he's finally moving on, you can somehow take action? piss off

both Unknown and Wandee have boxing

what is up with these grown ass adults not being able to live without seeing each other for a few days T.T you shouldn't even be thinking of not going to Japan bc you won't see Yak for a couple days

Why is Dee basically he sniffing Yak's armpit in the gym showers

7-2

Yei just watching Yak sneak out lmfao

fuck I think Ter's gonna somehow be here? I didn't watch the preview but I saw a screencap of Ter and Dee while Dee was in the tiger outfit or whatever, though I think somebody mentioned it was at Ter's place

speak of the devil...

oh, Yak's got a keycard to Dee's place, did we know that?

why is Dee at Ter's bruh

let's fucking kill Ter, I actually cannot anymore

I do think it's funny how neither of them are commenting on Dee's literal tiger sex roleplay costume lmao he's even got a headband!

Dee needs to snap out of it, get up, and leeeeeaaaave

now Kao is here too?

the costume isn't for you to appreciate, Ter stoppppp >:((((

why the fuckkkk did Ter start leaning in, I actually need this man dead and gone, get off my damn screen

and then spilling wine on himself and wanting Dee to help cleanup and now he's practically naked in his fucking boxers, I wish I could be normal about just disliking Ter but I am immature about my hatred for him the same way he's immature about his ways trying to get Dee

TER IS OPENING THE DOOR IN HIS BOXERS?!?!? AND DEE'S ALSO IN HIS TIGER COSTUME IM GONNA LOSE MY SHIT AGHHH

[Linguistics] oh damn Yak uses meung with Ter in anger

aw man T.T I get Yak, why did Dee say Yak always uses violence? I don't recall Yak being violent before this???

Yak breaking up, returning the keycard, taking the necklace back, ouchhhhhhhhh

Yak leaning on Taem

Aw man, Dee being sad at the necklace being gone

I think I would like it if for the rest of the ep + some of next ep, they're separate about doing their own stuff and missing each other and spending time with Ter & Taem only to realize they don't feel the same as they used to and when they come together again (hopefully sometimes next ep, I don't want it to be solved this ep tbh), it's with real feelings and confession. I think I also want Dee to confess/start the conversation since he's the one who fucked up (I know I ragged on Ter but how did Dee even let it go through all those steps omg)

fuck I saw 1 second of the preview and aghhhh I hate Ter, who could've guessed. I have some stuff to do so I'll be back for the next 2 parts later, though they're quite short compared to the first two parts.

7-3

back to watching but I'm having lunch so I probably won't type much

T.T

Ter realized his feelings alright. i don't know that i believe you lol, though maybe it's true since Ter's drunk while he's saying it

okay Ter accidentally fell, I thought he was gonna attack Dee from the 0.2 sec preview

dang, Yak's the one who leaned back and didn't kiss Taem. It seems like Taem wouldn't have been opposed to it?? Did she fall for him some time in the past few eps

7-4

oops was checking at the bottom timing bar how many minutes the show actually is before previews start (9mins) but got spoiled for the last scene of the ep

Damn, Yak's imagination of Dee and TEr really has him facing a humiliating defeat against Luke's character

I get P'Yei like despite everything going on in Yak's life, this is still his job and him winning was necessary for himself, the gym, money, etc. or at least put up a fair fight, not whatever that was bc of a fight with his fwb-fake bf that he has real feelings for

Aw, Wandee came back immediately and found Yak at his favourite place or whatever

Yak crying nooo

why am I suddenly paranoid that this is also Yak's imagination lmao

ah, indeed Yak had asked for Dee's first kiss

and Dee kisses him even though he lost

the kisses are mid but it's fine

damn, a hospital ball next ep? and how is Ter even in the show still wtf

I wanted angst and sadness and I got that but the way we got there was fairly contrived. Ter's sliminess I understand but Dee going through so many steps without just... leaving is like ?? I get that he may still have feelings for Ter that makes him not think straight or whatever but c'mon... am I supposed to believe Dee would actually go to Ter's place and have dinner there in his fucking sex roleplay clothes that he put on to have a candlelit dinner with Yak? and the violence comment was like... no? Yak's pathetic fight was also like... why.

The first kiss was also not impactful because we've established for 7 episodes that it's something very monumental to Dee + it's something that he wants to do with only somebody he really likes, so to have it 1) be a "consolation prize" and 2) come before they discuss their feelings or anything is resolved feels incomplete. It's not a grand or romantic moment the way their first kiss should have been. I don't wanna go back to goofy dance show or whatever next ep...

idk, this ep was a bit of disappointment in terms of storytelling and the way we're exploring emotions, I hope they can turn it around. They have 5 more episodes and so theoretically they have time to do stuff well but also... they have time to drag everything out lol

The necklace though T.T