#and idk. I'm still very stressed and exhausted and many other things but. it was nice talking to both of them today and letting it out a bi

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I'm so glad I like my boss and we get along well and I LOVE that she liked to share petty complaints and listens to mine. Genuinely love when people are like "Hell yeah, complaints are welcomed and ENCOURAGED!"

[r--kt]

Good boy Tobi. Why is he acting this way?

"oh yeah, it was just Zetsu" a-ha, not even close. here I'll talk specifically why Obito resorts to roleplay, and why he is comfortable with the images of Madara and Tobi. (obviously because it's not being himself but let's dig deeper)

contents | responsibility · regrets · a sense of control · conclusions

Vol. 31 CH. 280. Tobi's first appearance.

sure this looks like another defense mechanism that allows Obito to avoid reality, especially when interacting with people. full coverage, imitation of someone else's voice, name change, personality change etc. his clothes literally look like armor, and I'd like to think that hiding and protecting himself "just because it feels right" is exactly the point (no need in armor, he's intangible, so that's a psyche). the very way he completely depersonalizes himself shows that on a subconscious level he is not comfortable being in the conditions he finds himself. this alone may indicate that he is not very happy with his position of a faceless world saviour. and this is his first damn appearance.

Tobi is another manifestation of Obito's escapism, which is the central theme of his story. I have identified three advantages of using Tobi's image for Obito, and all of them will be described below. maybe you'll find some more, feel free to reblog and add your thoughts!

Responsibility

escapism is just stress-relieving. for him, the roleplay was a way to relieve tension from the responsibility that he had imposed on himself. "no one in the whole world can do it except me" must be really exhausting. so what if I just don't be myself for a while? what if I be the one who can make a mistake? it's important to be frivolous and let things go sometimes, otherwise the psyche will be disturbed even more. so, that's the first advantage, that allowed Obito not to go completely crazy.

Regrets

CH. 652

as I said, Obito is not very happy with his position. even though he believes that tsukuyomi plan is correct, this doesn't negate that he is unhappy to fulfill it and suffer the hardships because of it.

during the war, we can see that Obito really regrets that he hadn't live his life the way he could, with his friends and dear ones. he began to ask questions: "could I have a better life?" "who have I become?" "who does my friend see me as?" these feelings burst out only at the culmination, before that they were deeply suppressed, with the help of detachment from reality, which Obito achieved mostly thanks to the image of Tobi. a ridiculous stupid guy who talks nonsense and does not pretend to be any role other than a comic relief. another personality allows Obito to distract himself from the real problems, which he can't reconcile.

CH. 281 idk what an idiot. love him.

in order to avoid all these dangerous thoughts for as long as possible, he came to this escapist behavior. it is not only a convenient tool for manipulation (I'm not really touching on that in this post, though it's important too), but it also distracted him from all his regrets. though, it's funny that he still chose orange and purple colors that probably reminded him of the past.

A Sense of Control

it seems to me that this is the most important reason to pretend to be either an inept, complaisant fool or a legend of the Shinobi world. why these two extremes?

many events in Obito's life showed him that no matter how he acts, he will still be punished, which means he personally has no control over anything. during the exposition, he is late helping the old ladies, but Kakashi condemns him no matter what. during the first turning points, he commits morally correct actions in order to end up first being mutilated and isolated, and then lose the most precious (and only) thing he really had: friendship with Rin and Kakashi. in the end, he does not even have control over his own body until he learns to control the mokuton and gets used to the constantly breaking off or deforming limbs. Madara and Tobi appear as other personalities who are able to achieve control under certain conditions and give Obito the necessary mental stability.

CH. 460

Madara is the epitome of control. the ghost of the Uchiha clan, the fear of which is alive many years after his death. by taking on a character who has more control than Obito did in real life he might feel quite cathartic and empowering, and it offered him a sense of emotional security (the mask helps with it physically, the personality and famous name — mentally).

while Tobi, besides an attempt to make up for lost childhood, is a demonstration of "the lowest standards" so that for once in his life, he did feel that he always met expectations, that more was not required of him. he's incompetent, he messes up, he's irritating, and therefore others don't expect anything else from him. yes, Tobi is judged and punished, but Tobi is not trying to be praised, so his own expectations are not broken.

CH. 359

Madara's personality is convenient because it's dominant, it controls others, inspires them with a certain fear and submission. Tobi's personality is convenient because with its help Obito choose to show fear and submission himself whenever he wants, that is, it does not become an unexpected blow for him. I would add that similar mental mechanisms work in many types of traumatic experience (not talking about his sexual deviations like moderate sadomasochism yet, the man is clearly traumatized).

does it all work? obviously, yes. there's no point in explaining that this whole Madara thing worked perfectly. Tobi, although condemned by Deidara, is at the same time accepted and encouraged by him a bit, simply because it is pointless to expect anything from him. however, this works as long as the fictional personalities do not overlap, as long as others believe in the reality of both.

CH. 396

another interesting topic is that Obito himself began to mix these personalities and demonstrate the falsity of one, which deprived him of the very opportunity to avoid reality (Madara clearly reminds him more of the responsibility on his shoulders than Tobi) and relieve the constantly increasing stress. therefore, starting from the moment when "Madara" shows that "Tobi" was just a cover, Obito loses the advantages of Tobi's image, suppressed regrets gradually surface, stress accumulates, the sense of control disappears for lack of any new personality other than his own (which has problems with control). and all these consequences falls on him during the war.

Conclusions

the reasons for this defense strategy appeared in Obito due to his low self-esteem, which was facilitated by the following. the early death of Obito's parents was most likely at the age when he was too young, and therefore psychologically this loss was fixed as "I was left because something was wrong with me. I can't be loved naturally, I need to deserve it first". because of that there was a constant attempt to be better, to reach the level of a genius opponent, who not only shows with all his appearance that you are not enough, but also constantly pokes you in your own shit like a puppy. and that's not the only situation where you're not that good. there's a lot, actually.

such an environment forms an attitude "to get recognition, I need to try harder than anyone else, because something is wrong with me". subsequently, this attitude is transformed into a new one: "I cannot get recognition in any case, which means I will achieve recognition, respect, attention through pretending and forming other personalities". and that's how Tobi appeared.

I don't even know what to add at the end. it's just great that you can see the depth in Obito, even when he's acting like a moron. here's some admiration for this silly guy

[nerdinsandals]

Hi I just need to vent a lil bit because I'm kinda frustrated with my health at the moment shdkfj

I'm not like, sick or anything, or at least I don't think I am. I'm just feeling physically and mentally exhausted to the point that I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes, or maybe I manage to do one (1) task and that's enough to knock me out for the day and maybe even the next day sometimes if I do more than one thing that requires the smallest amount of effort. It's not like I was full of energy before because my battery is always at like 60%, but I don't think I've felt this weak in a long time, and this has been going on for months already. Some days are better than others, but I never feel like I'm at my normal.

At first I thought it was just the result of all the accumulated exhaustion I wasn't allowing myself to feel while preparing for my librarian exam (which took place in late January), but like I said it's been months already and I feel like the exhaustion should've been gone by now? But then I remembered that I was sick with a high fever a couple weeks before said exam, because a relative thought it was a great idea to come to visit with clear flu-like symptoms and no mask (and they didn't cover their mouth when coughing, either), so of course I caught whatever they had. I rarely catch viruses, but I still get vaccinated and take as many precautions as I can because, when I do, I usually have to deal with the nastier side-effects, unlike other people who recover just fine.

Since I was isolating anyway because I was in full hermit mode studying for my exam, I didn't think about taking a COVID test, but now I'm starting to think that maybe what that relative had was in fact COVID and what I'm experiencing is post-viral fatigue? It's the only thing that makes sense with the information I have, since iirc it can last for months… I'm not sure if there's anything that can be done to make it better so idk if I should bother my doctor again (healthcare is currently very overworked and understaffed here, and especially in the summer), but if I keep feeling this way after the summer I guess an appointment won't hurt. 😅

My librarian exam fortunately went well despite already feeling the exhaustion (which at that point I chalked up to the stress of preparing for the exam for like a year), and I don't know the final results just yet because they're taking an embarrassingly long time to publish them, but I have to wonder if I would've done better had I not fallen sick. I needed to do exceptionally well to secure the position and unfortunately, while like I said, I did well (like an 80 out of 100), I didn't do "secure the position by getting in the top 10 out of thousands" well. ;; There's always next time I guess. But right now I just want to be able to draw and do things I enjoy without getting tired!

So yeah, I thought I'd be able to get at least a couple pieces done for Conway Day this year, but with only a bit over a couple weeks left I haven't been able to even finish *one* because I don't want to push myself and make it worse. I hope I can at least finish one of them, since I should be able to make a couple posts out of it! And of course I know this should be the least of my worries, but I just really like celebrating Conway Day and it frustrates me that I can't have my usual stash of new art to provide haha

Anyway, thanks for reading and take care of yourselves! And tell your relatives to wear a mask if they want to visit you and they know they're sick (or maybe don't visit at all?) 😑

[reilleclan-blog]

So yeah I haven't played this game in a long while b/c PL had me fucked up mentally mentally fucked up. Um yeah this is my "new" V I'm going on a "very hard" run and decided to play "evil" V which the thought of that also stressed me out lul. I will be mean to Johnny ignore everything he suggests and idk if I'll do side companion stuff. But yeah. Some parts of me began to feel sad about the "missing features" that this game could've had. And how the game is still buggy but obviously not as much . Just hoping the sequel will add more depth with "simple" things like in "tlou" if ur character is exhausted ur character facial expressions actually change i was wishing cyberpunk had that as well. It gives a chance for more interesting pictures. I can't wait for the sequel tho I love this game :,/

Also I was feeling so crappy today b/c life is ruff and I was having so many issues with other games .. it made me so sad I decided to boot up cyberpunk b/c it's a comfort game my only comfort game. I've been enjoying gt7 but I haven't played it in two weeks. But I will always pick cyberpunk ig. And I wanted to come back and play it it's been like 7months 🤧

(Btw I took all these on ps5 I just edited them a bit on my iPhone adding contrast and shadows. I'm hoping ppl like these I was happy with them but from what I'm known too ppl usually don't interact with my V posts)

[akookminsupporter]

I honestly don’t care too much about the whole jk 🚬 thing, just like I didn’t care with V nor with Suga. I can not like something and still love/like and respect the people who chooses to do those things. Like me not liking the idea of vaping and my sisters doing it — you do you I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️. Also, don’t know why people are so surprised about the fact and the possibility of him and any other member/idol smoking, because just like drinking is very popular in Korea, as far as I know smoking rates are kinda high too. So yes I was surprised at first, for reasons like the ones you’ve mentioned (his voice, health and smell sensibility), but overall I was like “oh, okay so he does that too”. We also need to remember and understand that even if we see it on footage and/or by hearing them talk about it —still we will never know the pressure, exhaustion and stress they go under on a daily basis, and because of that, it is never our place to judge how they choose to enjoy and release themselves, specially if it’s not affecting/hurting anyone. Now, the only thing that intrigues me about this whole thing is why now are we being bombarded with so much… idk a good word so I’m just gonna name it “crude/sensible/private moments” of them (all of them in a way). Like the V and Jennie video, I just don’t see how 10 years in the industry have been so relatively “smooth”, but now in this second chapter it feels like we have had one revelation after another ? I’m not saying it’s planned, but I also don’t think it’s entirely coincidental, specially with how the members (like RM and JK in recent lives) have been expressing themselves and slowly removing/breaking the “idol standard” frame.

Let's talk a bit about the last part of your message.

I think I mentioned in one of the Asks I posted a couple of hours ago, that I think the reason we are seeing more of the guys' private lives is because fans are not respecting those moments like they used to. I don't think it's because the guys are now doing this or that, I want to believe that no one is naive enough to believe that before those 7 men stayed at home doing nothing, apart from working. Now the lack of content has caused many to look for any way to find out about them. And now they are quicker to justify why a video or photo etc. spreads much faster. Many don't care about the guys and respecting their private lives, many care about feeding the parasocial relationship they have created with them. Or feeding that obsession. That addiction; because what's the point of knowing what they do in their spare time if we're supposed to be fans of their music and variety content?

"specially with how the members (like RM and JK in recent lives) have been expressing themselves and slowly removing/breaking the “idol standard” frame."

As for this part, I think it's because they really understand the power they have, not just in Korea but in the industry in general. I don't know much about other kpop groups but it's clear to me that no other group has the power that bts has. And it's important to clarify that I'm not talking about popularity, that's something different although no one has the popularity that bts has but in this case, I'm talking about power. Of influence.

Although there are some groups that are quite popular globally they don't have the power and influence that bts has and this is proven by the participations that bts has had in important stages outside of music. Yes, those appearances are also due to the popularity of the group but mostly due to the power and influence they have. Even if that influence was only on their fandom, that would be huge because bts fandom is huge and that's something that I think everyone with full knowledge of the facts recognises.

And BTS knows it. The members know it. They are positioned enough in the industry and society I think, to shake up the status quo - once again - of what it is to be an Idol. A kpop artist and even a Korean artist. I think that also applies to their relationship with the fandom. Joon and jungkook particularly, they're more vocal in expressing what they don't like, in calling out the fandom for doing or saying something they don't agree with and that's important. I think they've understood that the image that we had of them and that maybe they were projecting was a little bit unrealistic and in this new stage of their careers, they're trying to be more honest or honest enough. Real.

[moononmyfloor]

Dashing Youth Ep 33-35 Commentary

Ep 1-10, Ep 11-16, Ep 17-21, Ep 22-25, Ep 26-32, Ep 36-40

Ep 33

This show stresses the fuck out of me now and not because it has entered its tragedy arc and 1. I enjoy well-done tragedies 2. I started watching this knowing it'll be tragedy anw

But because upcoming events feel just so superficial and I'm not convinced at all about why things weren't preventable. The wedding part was so sad and evoked so many emotions out of me precisely because I could see everyone gave their best fight and in the older gen's pov, their best reasonings for their inaction.

And now?? Many years have passed, Dingzhi has COMPLETELY let his guard down I mean bro if I was having a kid with emperor's runaway consort I'd move places like. every 2 yrs in the very least, Wenjun still trusts people too easily- girl you could've at least consulted the wise monk next door and trusted him to deliver the proper message to Dingzhi or SOMETHING idk, Dongjun seemed to have spent the entirety of those years high on alcohol and wifey and performance adrenaline in his immaculate cloudy mansion and equally unreal carriage, so much for trying to find and help out his missing bro before like, the very last moment.

It all just feels so juvenile and like the scriptwriters have given up because we all know what the ending is gonna be anyway, yknow? It's like they all actively waited for the disaster to hit them.

The only scene that I enjoyed in this ep:

(I'm trying to erase the sight of the scared and lonely young dad Dingzhi braving through the night forest with his baby to get their girl back, so traumatising)

Ep 34

Sikong Changfeng once again fights battles that are not his, while the actual people who need to be doing this are being preoccupied. He's the best boy.

Lei Mengsha also practices inaction but the kind where he will not stop a capable person from doing the right thing, therefore he is also a good boy.

Show ruined Wenjun's character once and forever with the bullshit attitude and reasoning she had in this ep. Girl, I fought tooth and nail to defend your rights and you severely let me down today.

I saw this discussion on Chinese bilibili (autotranslated, but you can understand the basic gist) and I think it explains the problem perfectly.

The problem was never that she was physically weak and comparatively naive. It was not about whether a girl in the exact same position as she did in today's episode would have done the same thing. It's just that the writers don't want her to.

And it's not just Wenjun, at this point of the story, stuff just happen one after the other just because they need to, before BoY.

Ep 35

Singlehandedly the most valid character of the show (not to mention the screenstealing acting, He Yu where have you been before my boy), Ye Dingzhi going berserk was so vicariously satisfying. Like everybody has lofty ambitions but since they are too weakass to accomplish them, they want this poor homebody to be their farm cow and do everything for them or what. Like wtf, enough is enough and everyone got what they deserved.

And if the scene of him killing everyone and taking over the throne wasn't satisfying enough, we get this:

It's the sheer lack of surprise, exhaustion and disappointment he delivers these lines for me. He never expected anything from the world since Day 1, he learnt the humans are shit since very young. He knew he couldn't trust anyone but himself to make his own existence better, let alone fix things for all the humanity. And sorry Dongjun, for all your idealistic speeches and displays, you've never done anything to really have Dingzhi value you as a true friend beyond mere childhood sentiments.

He's the most shunned ex-jianghu personality by the time of Blood of Youth, but in fact he's the most heroic of them ALL, not the much celebrated Lord Langya in my opinion. You call him selfish but what exactly have anyone else of his generation had done for the world out of their so-called selflessness?

He didn't have big ambitions, he simply

Stood up

for

himself.

And by that, he finally set things in motion to liberate the whole country of years of corrupted monarchy.

And I find that incredibly powerful and timeless and relatable for anyone across the whole world. If you don't fight for your rights, noone will. Someone needs to raise their voice first.

The accomplishments of Blood of Youth's generation wouldn't have been possible if not for the chain reaction he started imo, because as far as I can see noone else among the parents lifted a single finger let alone laying a foundation for the kids to work upon because they were all too busy looking at the bigger picture or whatever.

[yandere-sins]

Do you currently live in Germany? Is smoking very prevalent there and for underage kids too? I know drinking is pretty common from what i heard but idk. Not judging btw just curious lol! I like your story times 😂 im still reeling over the cheater guy

I do live in Germany, and I'll probably never move away if I'm honest. Most other countries really don't appeal to me and I have my family and friends here, so no real reason to move. If I do get the chance to marry outside of my home country (which would be very appreciated personally), I don't think I would move away from all the benefits (unless my partner turns out to be finnish or smth, upgrades are fine lol).

However, I can't tell you how it is these days with kids, I am too old to actually know what's going on and too young to have my own lol. These days it might be a bit more prevalent than in the past, especially with parents too. Back in my school time it was more of a "cool kids" activity and there weren't that many kids in every class who were active smokers. I wasn't a cool kid per se but I had a lot of friends that were and they were smokers so occasionally I'd join and eventually it turned into social smoking with others, and then when I started working and there were benefits to being a smoker (more breaks, the stress would lift a bit, everyone was doing it so it was another way to socialize) I committed to it. But there were lots of struggles like parents who were still firmly against it, how to get cigarettes (you'd need to ask someone who was older or had connections), hiding it from parents and teachers. It was quite an ordeal. But like I said, no idea what is going on with the youth today.

Also "drinking is pretty common", is probably a stretch ^^' I did go out a lot as a teenager, but mostly on the weekend. I think a lot of people think giving teenagers the ability to buy beer and wine with 16 will automatically make them alcoholics but back when we did it, it really was more of a weekend party thing. And even then, most of my friends knew their limits and personally, I never met someone with alcohol poisoning while underage. It also was an ordeal as well because we'd only be able to drink outdoors or if one of the parents allowed it (but they'd usually supervise us), so if it rained or was winter, tough luck. And we got shooed away constantly. Sometimes we'd change the location 3-5 times a night because someone felt offended by the volume or us just hanging out casually. And there was only one 16+ club in all of the city, and I lived pretty far from it so there was almost an hour drive to and from to calculate, while also needing to be at home at midnight.

At the same time, when I finally turned 18 and got to drink harder stuff I pretty much knew my limits. I never threw up and can hold my liquor well, also don't suffer from hangovers, though recently I started getting stomach aches from wine so I'm refraining. I basically only drink cocktails, sparkling wine and seldomly whiskey at this point, and so rarely that it's hardly worth mentioning. I remember drinking a cocktail when Suzume came out in the cinema, so in April, and nothing since then lol I think the experience really helps you get better with these kinds of substances, and you learn to use them healthily if you're not drowning your feeling in them and just have fun like they are meant for.

I will tell you tho, the most garbage drink I used to have is Aperol Cola. No idea why my friend thought that was good. It's disgusting, overly sweet and bitter at the same time, literally nauseating, unhealthy af, and has no good quality about it. Especially when it gets warm, blergh. Do not recommend. You'll never drink Aperol again after that.

Looking back at it, partying was exhausting and even now where I'm free to do whatever I want, I never go to a club anymore because it's just a waste of my time tbh lol

But I really can't tell you how it is these days with the teenagers. If anything I see more smokers but very, very little drinkers. Something definitely changed, but maybe I'm just not in the right places to actually notice it.

Also, I'm glad you enjoy the story times! They are literally just silly anecdotes of a stranger, but it's still nice to reminiscence sometimes ^^

[fonulyn]

Hi!💛

I've seen that you don't really feel like writing anymore (and I get it, I respect it, and I'm sorry that you feel that way).

I, (as i keep on saying), absolutely love everything you write. I think you have a very good understanding of the characters, to the point I genuinely hear them in my head talking, the dialogue and events feel like canon interactions, which is very hard to find (don't get me wrong, that's not necessarily the point of fan fiction, everyone can do whatever they want and that's beautiful, and they don't need to, it's supposed to be random and fun, I just feel like I need to point it out (and praise you for it, because it's amazing)). I eat up everything you give us, and I am very, very grateful for everything you've written.

Reading what you wrote has genuinely helped me a lot in the past year, and I just wanted to tell you:

Thank you for giving me nivanndy brain rot, for a long long while I actually forgot that Piers was dead in canon (he's not, I'm delusional😉), your stories gave me a very nice break from the stress I've had, thank you for that. Thank you for the time, the creativity, and the effort it took to bring these stories to life. If you don't want to continue writing, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me, and if you do decide to write in the near future (please😭), or in a year or 5 etc., I'll wait.

I do hope you will continue to bring your ideas to life because they are awesome and lovely and unique, and they are genuinely very, very good, and I love them.

Thank you for everything💛

<3

🍪

heya 💖

i feel i've got to clarify that i do still feel like writing, but i don't really feel like posting fic, which are two completely different things to consider 😅 I've got like two and a half fics written this year but idk if those will see the light of day bc posting is exhausting and the reward is so rarely worth it.

and (this is not directed at the asker! a general psa!) this is why writers keep begging for people to comment on ao3. i've gotten so many messages during my time in fandom along the lines of "I love all your fics!" or "I just read all your fics!" or "Your fics are all so good!" and the person sending the message has left a grand total of zero comments on the actual fics. so they merrily read 200+ fics and didn't comment on even one? how's that "loving" the fics? it's wild to me. it feels like entitlement, honestly. not the kind of give-and-take fandom always used to be, and is supposed to be, imo.

but anyhow. got sidetracked, sorry :'D

as for your message anjfkgn I don't even know where to begin. characterizations is my main thing in fandom. I want to strive to be true to the characters I love and hearing that you feel the characterizations work in my fics? that's the biggest compliment in the world and I thank you so much 💖💖💖 i know keeping them in character isn't the point of fanfic to everyone, but it is to me. i want to write and read about these characters, not some others who just share their names and faces (which is one reason I'm so uninterested in the remake bc it's a case of same names different personalities. it's like OOC fanfic of the original :'D good or not, it's not the same people).

so. thank you. so much. I'm so happy to hear that the characters feel believable to you! (and shhhhh Piers is NOT dead who even told you that outrageous lie??? :'D)

i'm legit tearing up and don't really know what more to say. thank you for such a sweet message 🥺💖

[reyesbignaturals]

Wrote my first fic in a HOT minute with an OC I made specifically for the COD-verse and I love her very much and would love to talk about her much more in detail than is revealed about her in this blurb but here is some writing, I tried my best!

It's a Velikan fic that I'm gonna work on slowly that is intended to be incredibly slow-burn with a lot of hurt/comfort elements. I don't have a lot of free time in my personal life, so I have been just kind of writing as I can and it's been a nice stress relief to add pictures to my Pinterest board cause I've got this story in my head but I don't always have time to write all the stuff down!

But I tried to get some of the story, and character set up done here so idk let me know what to fix, I would like to get better at writing but also this is mostly for fun haha

Fluorescent lights buzzed inside the ceiling beams of the room, joining the sounds of wheels that squealed against the laminate floor and the occasional intercoms that would page a doctor in the infirmary.

The Shadow Company had come back from an operation gone bad with many operatives covered in blood, with some even missing extremities when they'd finally been airlifted back to the base's hospital. Fortunately, there had been no casualties under the medical wing's care so far, and the staff intended to keep it that way.

“Hey, Doc, your next patient is ready to see you over in Room 2,” a nurse, Adrian, called over from the nurse's station, looking over at the doctor in question with a strange look as she exited the previous patient's room.

The doctor gave a tired smile to Adrian and nodded her thanks to the blonde, too exhausted to question her staff's weird expression. She could just be seeing things, having been on her feet for the last 14 hours, trying to keep blood on the inside of people's bodies rather than outside of it.

She readjusted her reading glasses to sit atop her head as she moved over to Room 2, grabbing the chart that had been placed on the wall next to its door. Skimming over its contents, she was relieved to see that her day seemed to have come over its peak and was finally coming down to a more manageable pace; this man was being seen for a follow-up on some stitches he had received some weeks ago.

Something unique in this man's file caught her attention, though; the diagnosis of selective mutism with no other context was listed in medical history. She was curious how he managed to pass selection into the military in general, let alone get into a PMC, but she wasn't paid enough to ask questions such as that. It was going to be more important for her to find out how she was going to communicate with him about his healing status and any questions he may have.

Alexander Manos (operator name: Velikan), the file read.

With two knocks on the metal door, she announced her arrival and opened the door with one hand, the other still holding onto the clipboard as she entered the room.

“Alexander?” She prompted, looking up at what she could only describe as a giant heap of muscle and terrifying armor, trying not to make her initial shock obvious by her facial expression. The man had just come back from a deployment if she was to judge from the faint odor of gunpowder, man stink, and blood alone. His layers upon layers of tactical armor pads made his shoulders appear impossibly wide, and his mask gave the impression of a fearsome red tiger with its painted sabers outreached and ready to bite at any given opportunity.

There was a moment of silence where the two simply stared at each other before Alexander nodded hesitantly in acknowledgment to her question. The fact Kaja was unable to see his face made her uncomfortable given she wanted to be able to interpret his expressions at least if she wasn't able to hear him speak, but she wasn't about to argue with 250+ pounds of pure muscle over it.

“My name is Dr.Magnusson, I'm the new doctor here at Shadow Company. They've put you under my care after Dr.Fort was stationed elsewhere,” Kaja began awkwardly. Having done several dozen introductions over the last week had not made her any better at them.  Truthfully, she wished that she could just skip past them altogether.

Alexander made no indication that he was going to respond to her introduction, so Kaja continued without missing a beat, “It looks like you're being seen today to have your stitches in your arm checked on?”

He made no indication that he had heard anything she'd said, simply looking straight ahead at her. Or, she had to assume he was looking at her, since his mask was still on. If she didn't know better, Kaja would think he was ignoring her deliberately. 

“Are you being seen for your stitches today?” Kaja repeated, enunciating her words a little clearer, curious if she had mumbled them earlier by any chance.

Alexander simply shifted in the hospital chair, moving his head up to look at the ceiling for a moment as he let out an audible sigh of clear annoyance.

"Not deaf," he finally grunted out in a raspy, baritone voice.

“Sorry,” Kaja was taken aback that she had received a verbal response from him at all, “I just want to know the best way I can talk with you. Would a pen and paper help? Would you like to type it on your phone?” 

She was trying to think of solutions the best she could on the fly, knowing she still had other patients waiting to see her as well. Alexander’s head perked a bit once he heard her listing the options that she had listed, but he settled back into his chair quickly, crossing his arms.

A moment of silence fell between them before she continued, “I'll need to see your arm and make sure it's healing properly.”

She moved closer to him at a balanced pace, watching as his covered face came back down from eyeing the ceiling to stare at her again.

“Alexander, I want to help you. Can you help me do that?” Kaja asked softly, reaching her hand out to touch his arm where his stitches were.

He leaned away from her, angling his body off of the bed as if she had some contagious disease. He pulled the arm she was reaching for out of her range and straightened his posture in a clear attempt to intimidate her with his stature alone. 

Now, she was starting to lose her patience. She gripped the pen tightly to her clipboard in an attempt to calm herself down as she took another step towards Alexander and lowered her voice, so no wandering passerby could overhear.

“Hey, I know maybe this situation is hard for you for your reasons, but you are putting me in a really difficult position at the moment for other reasons. If you don't want to be here, I'm not going to make you stay. But it is my job as your doctor to try to help you, and I have seen too many people almost die today from infections. So, if your name comes across my operating table, and it's from your arm wound getting infected, do you know how tempted I'm going to be to just amputate it?”

Was it a professional way to talk to her patient? Not in any capacity, and she definitely would have been fired if anyone had heard about it. Did it seem to resonate with her patient? Enough for him to start removing his gear slowly to display his healing scar.

First, came his helmet. When she saw his face, she almost regretted threatening him with amputation. She had seen he was a few years her senior from his records, but his face certainly reflected it. Loose black waves swept back from his face and greased down from his helmet in an almost mullet-like fashion. He had a haircut she was almost certain would be considered out of regulation, but that wasn't something she was going to fuss over at the moment when he was finally complying with her wishes.

Next, she noticed the years of exhaustion in his eyes that manifested as dark purple circles beneath his dark brown eyes, like freshly watered graveyard dirt, cold and secretive. His expression didn't seem to waver from a neutral stare, despite her attempt to placate him with another gentle smile as thanks.

The silence continued while he continued removing his gear, the display almost comical with just how much he had had on in the first place. She'd never seen someone with so much padding, yet he was still so broad underneath it all, built like a concrete wall. Kaja wondered what his daily regimen for the past ten years had been for him to have been in that kind of shape.

 Once he had removed all of his padding, he was finally able to roll up his undershirt enough to reveal the scar Dr.Fort had previously sewn up along Alexander’s forearm.

“There’s nothing that can be done about it at this point," Kaja sighed with a tone of frustration as she looked up at the man with disapproval, "But, I can tell you didn’t let it heal completely before you went back to duty. It’s healed crooked in a few areas after you ripping back open. Do you see it, here and here?” Kaja attempted to point at the disfigured scar tissue on Alexander’s arms, but he seemed beyond disinterested in hearing about it as he turned away to stare at the wall. 

With a sigh, Kaja removed her hands from his arm and backed away from the patient’s table, giving him some personal space she could tell he would appreciate.

“So when I see you in here when you get hurt, and I tell you to rest, you’re going to go right back to the field, is that it?” Kaja asked in a deadpan tone as she crossed her arms and leaned against the handwashing counter.

Alexander did not respond, instead rolling his sleeve back down to cover his arm and placing his gear into an orderly pile that he would be able to carry once he was dismissed.

“No wonder Dr.Fort had to go,” Kaja teased with a smirk, “He had to leave for his sanity, huh?”

That quip got a small snort out of Alexander.

Being able to make him laugh made Kaja feel a little better about threatening him with amputation earlier, at least.

“Alright, well, Alexander, if you have no other complaints about your health, then you are released from my care for now, and you are free to check out at the nursing station at the front.”

Alexander wordlessly gathered his armored plates and gear into his arms, picked it up, and left the patient room. In any other circumstance, Kaja would have felt incredibly insulted (okay, maybe she still did, just a bit.) 

But, she did manage to get some kind of a reaction out of someone she could have been thoroughly convinced was an android up until the very end of the session, so she had to take her wins where she could get them. 

When she exited the room, she was immediately pulled off to the side by Adrian, the nurse who had called her to the room in the first place. The blonde woman had a look of plain guilt on her face as she held Kaja’s arms.

“I’m so sorry, the other doctor was busy, and Alexander was next in the queue, and I-”

“Adrian,” Kaja interrupted the nurse firmly, “What in the sweet hell are you talking about?”

“We all know Alexander can be really… difficult to handle, and we didn’t want you to have to deal with any of those kinds of cases with you still being so new. I just didn’t have a choice, but I’m still really sorry. Are you okay?” She asked, looking Kaja over, seemingly checking for injuries, much to Kaja’s concern.

“I’m fine,” Kaja laughed, trying to brush off the idea that she might need to be worried about the fact that she could be injured on the job here, “Honestly, I think he kind of warmed up to me at the end there.” 

Kaja stated the end with a smug grin, raising her eyebrows as Adrian’s jaw dropped in disbelief and Kaja simply shrugged.

Over at the nursing station, Alexander watched the display discreetly and rolled his eyes, snatching a single pink hard candy from the infirmary candy jar on his way out. As he walked out of the double doors, he unwrapped the sweet and popped the strawberry candy into his mouth with a satisfied hum. 

What a weird fucking doctor, he thought to himself. At least she's kind of entertaining. I guess I'll keep seeing her for now.

[tragcdysewn]

small little plotting/starter call for hwevent 15 under the cut! honestly, a lot of my muses are not gonna be very interesting ic for this one, but they will still join in the fun

abigail mckinnon

vaguely concerned about her family, but is ultimately going to be living her life as normal until something happens to one of them, because she is not a detective nor does she want to be

ahsoka tano

unfortunately she's legally obligated to care even though she's pretty sure this is just palpatine nonsense part 79, so she will be looking into things and setting up security at the white house

allana solo

nope, absolutely not, you can not pay them enough to get involved in this shit. she's got her own problems and girl is exhausted

ariana dumbledore

it honestly would not even occur to her to try and involve herself in this. she's a little nervous for herself and her family but they're all smart enough to protect themselves barring the twins who are babies and not likely targets so

ariel

honestly, idk if ariel understands the concept of a serial killer, but she's definitely a little concerned that people seem to be dying. she could definitely be convinced to sleuth, but it's not her first instinct

arlecchino

arlecchino is having fun. girl is gonna plant some fake evidence, maybe steal a few bodies from the morgue to harvest some organs if she can. she's only here for cause chaos

bela dimitrescu

see arlecchino, bela is just taking advantage of the bullshit going on, having a little snacc if she stumbles upon any bodies

beru lars

bop bop bop beru is getting her gun out if anyone comes too close to her so do not try it i'm not sorry

cassie lang

will be genuinely investigating and trying to find out what the hell is going on. she will also be very protective over her friends, sorry not sorry

danika barnes

honestly is laying low, girl is paranoid and wants absolutely nothing to do with any of this. she has almost no attachments in this city and has no intention of getting involved for random people

davina claire

there's a very good chance davina investigates a bit but only if she starts getting worried magic is involved. a normal serial killer is so many levels of not her problem

dewey riley

man is on edge. they are armed always anyway but now he is about two seconds from shooting at any moment. any and all ghostfaces will be getting shit, and tatum is getting a gun happy early birthday

elphaba thropp

hell no. elphaba doesn't like people enough to get involved, and her history with trying to do the right thing tends to end with her getting accused of murder and other crimes so hard pass

eula lawrence

she's a cia agent so she will be looking into it a bit but really this isn't her job, could probably get dragged into shit if amber pouts at her enough but it's definitely not her priority

feng xin

fuck no!! the last time he tried to scooby a mortal massacre his whole life went to shit!! he is wrapping tara in bubble wrap and making sure his clown friends stay the fuck out of this thank you very much (they won't, and he'll cave and help in ~10 seconds)

feyre archeron

she's going to protect her family, but beyond that, she doesn't put much stock in her own investigation skills, so unless someone asks her for help, she won't be doing much

hallie parker

she's posting conspiracy theories on twitter and retweeting any posts she can about it. prepare for a very long video essay when the first killer is caught outlining everything they know about them

hazel levesque

demigods are not supposed to deal with mortal problems, so unless they or her brother is affected, hazel is pretty much staying out of this whole thing

he chunyu

no thank you this is an easily stressed out bitch! girl is hiding in her bedroom until this is all over thank you good night

howl jenkins pendragon

they'll make protection spells for anyone who asks, no charge, and will be worrying about his family and his little group of obnoxious teenagers way more than they'll admit

james potter

man is physically incapable of staying out of shit, he will be investigating way too often, might get himself into some shit because it's james

james witherdale

i mean... this is just a buffet for him sorry

jin zixuan

he could easily be pulled into an investigation, and will be very on edge, but it probably won't occur to him to look into this on his own because he's Just Ken™️

jun wu

honestly man is waiting to get blamed for this, he's not sure who's gonna call him out first but he's sure it'll happen and is just ready to be like 'if i'd done it no one would know they were dead also why would i kill some random mortals idk'

kiyi

they have no intention of being a part of this. kiyi is not a fighter at all, despite their best efforts, so the most they'll do is try to protect their friends that don't have any abilities

kore sekkari

lol, kore is honestly thinking this is a fun time. she's not one for senseless violence, but watching the jedi scramble and fail over and over again to stop it is pretty funny to her

korra

she's gonna help people if they get the chance, but they're not gonna go hunting down a magically powered serial killer until the situation gets more serious

lan wangji

man is out to protect people, and will probably keep an eye on things where he can, try to keep people safe, but his priority is his family and keeping them alive and keeping himself alive for their sakes

li susu

she's also big on protecting people, but she also has a very small child to take care of so she's not going to throw herself into anything without enough knowledge to know she can handle it

lumine

honestly will probably be playing scooby doo with amber and hu tao, will probably also drag zhongli into it to help keep an eye on childe because she does not trust that man

luo fumeng

most of her loved ones are not people she worries about in something like this, maybe penelope and sabrina but even them not so much. she's confident they can all take care of themselves

lysandra ennar

she has done their part saving the world, they are done thank you very much, she wants to take a nice little cat nap

manon blackbeak

she does not care. i'm sorry but she doesn't give one single shit unless one of her friends gets killed

marinette dupain-cheng

will be patrolling as ladybug as often as possible, trying her best to at the very least stop murders from happening, even if she can't manage to catch anyone she'd rather save someone if she can

mj jones

girl is in full investigative journalist mode and she will not be stopped. catch her poking around places she should not be and possibly getting herself in trouble

mo ran

he cares about protecting chu wanning and is debating killing xue meng while he can get away with it because he wants that man aware

mobei-jun

could not give less of a shit as long as qinghua isn't getting hurt, because if binghe and sha hualing get attacked lord help the bitch who did it honestly

nangong jingnu

she's not getting involved please just let her chill in her apartment and avoid the hell out of all of this thank you

nie mingjue

*dinkleberg vc* jin guangyao. not but really man is gonna be trying to help where he can and also really debating just killing jgy but probs won't actually do it :(((

qi rong

i mean... its free real estate right? gotta have a little snacc every now and then

renesmee cullen

she honestly is staying out of it, they have no interest in sleuthing or figuring things out, it's not her business at all

rosamund du prix

see nessie, she honestly isn't a detective, and the whole thing just feels very out of her depth in every way

sheev palpatine

he is investigating because he's the vp and he has to, but he's not really fussed unless his siblings or daughter end up injured

shen qingqiu

man is paranoid and probably has a knife on him at all times, but most of his friends are pretty indestructible so he's not too concerned about them

shi wudu

he is concerned about qingxuan. that's really it, honestly

thanatos

people die, it happens, they aren't too fussed as literal death

wanda maximoff

she's going to be trying to protect her friends, but wanda is very unsure of doing anything else atm so we'll see

wen qing

has been getting followed by some random guy for a bit now so is um very concerned but ultimately trying to be cool

xiao lanhua

she thinks dongfang qingcang might have done it. that's all they got but if one of their friends get injured she'll be starting problems

xiao qing

could absolutely be pulled into checking things out, though they're definitely not much help in terms of finding clues she'll go with you for moral support

yor forger

if you hurt her husband or her kid you will die but beyond that? she's staying out of it

[useryennefer]

It’s not just you hun. I’m a writer and I hardly get re blogs either. I’m literally thinking about closing my tumblr because to me it’s just wasted energy and this year I want to channel that creative energy into something that can benefit me. I have a multipart story and no joke i have people read all the parts “like” each part and not reblog once. And don’t get me started on people who have the audacity to comment me and ask when are you going to put out the next chapter when they haven’t even reblogged once!— I’m so sick of it really.

It’s great we can produce this stuff for people to consume but it’s still time consuming it’s still energy and at the end of the day we’re still people. Back in the day it wasn’t this bad— now it feels it’s standard to just like stuff if you’re lucky and not reblog. It’s sad really.

it's so frustrating isn't it? that's why i don't even make gifs for this blog anymore (even though i'd love to) only for one of my sideblogs - and that's solely because my current hyperfixation is still going very strong otherwise i don't think i'd be making anything. and it sucks that unless you make gifs immediately after the new season of a show releases or you are persistent about it, you won't get a lot of engagement. and sometimes not even then (especially in small fandoms). that's exactly why i have so much respect for people who don't give up and keep creating despite barely getting anything and even being told that they shouldn't complain about it. and i know that many people will tell you to create for yourself and that notes don't matter. and idk about others but no matter how much i try to convince myself that's just not the same as sharing something i created with others and getting some love and attention for it.

and i'm so sorry that you are treated that way it's so rude and disrespectful! and even demanding new chapters.. i heard that writers tend to have a hard time on tumblr but that's just outrageous. i completely understand wanting to quit tumblr sometimes i feel that way myself. honestly the only thing that gets me through is the couple of people i befriended being excited when i post a new gifset and leaving nice tags. to me that makes it worth it despite it all.

but yeah i completely agree with you about everything you said.. it really sucks and i don't know what else we could do to fix it other than complain about it and beg people to reblog :/ which really is sad and exhausting! anyway i hope we eventually get to a point where we can both enjoy creating again without stressing about the likes to reblog ratio or getting stupid anons.

[actuallyitsstar]

🌵, 🕯️, 🛼,🦷, 🪲 (if this one is stressful do please skip!) for writer's truth or dare?

✨ writer's truth or dare! ✨

🌵⇢ share the link to a playlist you love.

when i am writing, i can't listen to my ~regular~ music (unless it's a character vibes playlist but even then that's very rare for me lol) because the lyrics are just too distracting lol. i can't hear words i mostly know and/or connect with and also write other words bc idk- i don't have that many brain channels i don't think lol! as such, while writing i typically listen to either an instrumental playlist or something in a different language. recently what i have been listening to literally every time i sit down to write has been this specific 1980s japanese city pop playlist. something about the ~elegant~ vibes are like. soft and idk. it's perfect for background sound that is pleasant but not at all distracting.

🕯️⇢ on a scale from 1-10, how much do you enjoy editing? why?

i'll give editing like a 7. it's better, a lot of the time, than the initial draft, for me, (which i'd give like a 5) because it's not until i feel like all the details are starting to make sense and connect that i convince myself i don't hate what i've just written lol. once i start polishing it up i start to appreciate it. however, it's SO time consuming and full of so much second guessing and so much changing around the same paragraph 800 times and doing cntrl + f in the document for this one word you are SURE u used and need to replace but now u can't find it. it's so tedious. it's exhausting but very rewarding lol.

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis.

🫡 🫠 👨🏻‍👦🏻💛🫂

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on.

this is tough because i don't feel like i have too much wisdom lol. i guess for me a big thing has been pushing myself to write something even when i am not at my most inspired. i can still write something to be proud of on just a regular day, and even if it's only a few hundred words, i'd rather feel like i accomplished something. i used to wait and wait for the right moment to write something and find that nothing ever got done. i'm still a very slow author, don't get me wrong, but learning to just get some words, any words, down on paper has helped immensely in my process.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your wip and share the paragraph here.

ok, ok, speaking of the above paragraph, lol- u got me! here ya go ;)

Bradley just nods, reaching across the table to tap on the paper envelope, capturing Mav’s attention. When their eyes meet, Bradley tells himself that Phoenix is right, that he knows how to do this, even though he isn’t so sure that he does. “Well, you could’ve fooled me,” he says lightly. “I was telling all my friends in study hall you were the coolest person in the world. And that you knew everything.”

Maverick bites back a smile that’s fond, as much as it has a self-deprecating little edge to it. “I was a lot younger than you when I figured out that I didn’t,” he says quietly.

Bradley doesn’t feel equipped to properly unpack the meaning of the sentence, and he isn’t so sure that Mav had meant to let it weigh so much.

[thatblondeperson]

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

Thank you to @incoherentbabblings for tagging me!!!!

Are you named after anyone?

Too many people. My first name is half name dictionary, half Sophia Loren. Middle name was my nurse's name when I was born. Other middle name is my birthmother's mother's name I think? No clue why. And then I have my mother's maiden name and my dad's last name. I have a long name.

When was the last time you cried?

Monday, a lot. I'm very stressed and exhausted and I got nudged just enough to burst.

Do you have kids?

Nope, and don't plan to.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Constantly. I can be very irritating in that sense.

What sports do you play/have played?

I don't play sports really, but I was briefly on my school's golf team, and my dad and I used to go out to the driving range for fun sometimes.

What's the first thing you notice about someone?

Honestly idk, their hair maybe? Or outfit? I like eclectic people.

What's your eye color?

Blue; no pigment, no protection. I am blind AF during the day.

Scary movies or happy endings?

No preference, but it is hard to find movies that actually scare me. So long as the story is well done, I do not care how the movie ends.

Any special talents?

I can recite the alphabet backwards? Idk. I think I can sing fairly well. I consider myself delightfully average at most things in life.

Where were you born?

An extremely Catholic hospital in my hometown. Not kidding, you walk in and there is a MASSIVE shrine to someone, idk who. probably Mary?

What are your hobbies?

Writing, drawing, gaming, painting, thrifting, antiquing, mixed media art, singing, collecting comics, action figures, and Monster High dolls, cosplay, and hopefully again soon - YouTube and streaming.

Do you have pets?

I have an 18lb doggo that is an absolute goober named Elton. He is my special little monster.

How tall are you?

5'5". Delightfully average.

Favorite subject in school?

Always art.

Dream job?

Don't know if I have one. TBH, not to sound like a Gen Z'er when I'm a Millennial, but if I could be a content creator for a living, that would be the dream. Maybe I can still make that happen, idk. I've always loved interior design but that market isn't easy to get into, and I just don't think that I'd have fun competing, in a sense. Being judged. It's just fun for me and I love it, but I couldn't do it as a job. I like Art History, something in that or art restoration would be very very fun for me.

Tagging: @rae0fsunsh1ne @peacheclair @mon-petit-chat-triste @powerofthequestion @loveforluna @starboy8 @mousethe @theexiledleader @burntwaffle12 @bengaltiger25 @aspiffysquirrel @pandiibutt @redlittlebird uhhhh. Brain fried, If I missed you, fill yourself in here.

[iamyelling]

well. moving has sucked. our parents helped and i just feel terrible bc they are old and shouldn't have to be doing this sort of thing. (theyre not like Elderly. just not young yknow). it took us the full 10 days and it was exhausting every day. and we still have a ton of work to do to get everything put away and situated. we got rid of so many things and our stuff still doesn't fit. it's just sliiiightly smaller and it makes everything so hard to fit into the space. plus being broke makes it very hard to find things that will work for us. and we're trying to like, ENJOY our home too yknow. and with the animals it's like we HAVE to keep them happy or else bad things happen - the cats go through the blinds and break them because they want to look outside. tortellini peed on solea's bed a couple weeks ago and i threw it out. and now she just peed on solea's other bed so now she has no beds. it's not exactly washable so idk what to do. we can't just keep buying things. and if tortellini is bored she will chew wires and cables which are not easy to fix or replace - CONSTANTLY. it's exhausting and then we are so busy they don't get attention or they get bored or stressed from us being stressed and it's jsut all bad. y

annah got the tv cabinet built and covered the fish tank in the black contact paper, and i've been online shopping for a couch desperately. and i started putting the tv and gamign console stuff in the cabinet and getting it set up but ran into trouble bc the ps4 is too big for the shelf but i guess i was going too slow so annah finished. i'm so on edge about watching the cats and keeping them from walking through the blinds and damaging them. like we've only been here a couple days and already a few are broken! and watching to make sure tortellini doesn't chew on wires. and i guess PEE on stuff! it's so hard. finding places to put things... annah is so cranky it makes it hard talkign to her and including her in decisions.. and its not like i can just do things without consulting her bc like then she's gonna be like WTF?!?! yknow.

i'm just trying so hard and putting so much thought into things and it gets frustrating when she disregards the work and thought i've put in and dismisses my concerns or takes out her frustration about other things on me as if that's ok. like we're all stressed, she could at least try to see that we're all on the same team here.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi i really dont know how to feel about my mom. Shes kinda abusive ig i mean she has hit me before and shes verbally abused me more times than i can count, but shes less worse than dad so i think i just have a soft spot for her and its like its killing me lmao. she just lost her mum, and she has to do it all alone. the whole planning, and dealing with the ashes and bills and so so so many phone calls. shes very stressed out atm, and as ive started work lately, i feel like we've become sm closer and idk i wish i could fully forget all the bad shes done to me so i can just relax when its good. she snapped at me last night twice, calling me horrible things and threatening to punch me and stuff, and ik shes so stressed out but it still hurts inside and idk how to feel about it all. im autistic and i see things pretty black and white, and shes a grey colour and its just difficult for me to process it all and form an opinion cos shes 'supposed' to be one or the other, not both. (ik this is a false thing dw haha ik people cant fully be bad and fully be good lol) she vented to me before work today telling me how bad dads treating her, like he only cares about himself and isnt helping her with her grief at all. he just sits in the living room all day ranting to her about transgender people and black people and politics and she hates it. (hes every -phobe and -ist you can think of lmao) i just dk how to help or how to feel or just anything lol. im having a hard time atm myself and its just so stressful to have to always be the grown up around my parents. i have to always stay calm, i have to be the mediator, i have to calm them and comfort them and offer them solutions for their problems, i have to be their parent and its exhausting. ik theyre both orphans rn but i feel its unfair to use your own kids as your 'new parents' lol. its always been like this but its just more so now than before. i just cant cut myself off from my mum as shes in charge of everything in the house, and shes my mum, yk? shes had the short end of the stick her whole life and i just want to hug her and protect her but she hurts me a lot and im just torn between wanting her away from me for the rest of my life and wanting to be as close to her as i can, for her sake. idk if it makes much sense lol but i hope youre doing well and thank you for all the time an effort you put into answering the asks 💕

Hi, nonnie! Sorry I took so long to reply. Everything you shared here makes perfect sense. It's always hard for abuse victims to come to terms with the fact their abusive parents aren't all black or white but grey, and I can only imagine how much harder that is to deal with when you're autistic. I'm really glad you understand she can be grey, even if it's hard to come to terms with. That's already a really big step you've taken, and I hope you're proud of that!

It really sounds like your parents have parentified you—that is, they've forced you to take on the parent role in the house, emotionally. When this happens, it's not uncommon to feel the way you express at the end of your ask: like even though they've hurt you, you want to take care and protect them for their sake. And I'm really sorry you're going through this, nonnie. It's a horrible way to feel, and I can really relate, because I felt that way with my mother as well.

I don't know if this will help to hear, but through recovery, I've found that the longer you stay away from that parent, the easier it becomes to not feel so worried about them, responsible for them, or guilty for leaving them. The guilt was especially crushing for me years ago, and now it's completely non-existent except on special occasions (mainly when I have to see her again for any reason).

And I know you probably already know this, at least deep down, but nonnie, your mom is abusive. Your dad being even worse than her doesn't change that fact. The fact that your mom has had it really hard in life might explain her abusive behaviours, but it doesn't justify them. They're both abusive in different ways, and you deserve so much better than the way both of them have been treating you.

Sending a big, big hug and all my support your way ❤️

[mousetrap-if]

Mousetrap is now live on itch.io!

Well folks, it happened. Mousetrap was submitted last night to @interact-if's 2022 ranked game jam and is available to play on itch.io. The game is still a work in progress and, at this point, only a demo for the full story. Hope you enjoy it!

Click Here to Play

You're one of the many overworked interns working at Whimsey World. When it was announced that Imogen, a category three hurricane, would soon hit Orlando, Florida, your employers asked for volunteers to remain in the parks during the storm, promising triple pay for at least 24 hours. You and your friend seized the opportunity. After all, Whimsey wouldn't ask its cast members to stay behind if it was potentially dangerous.

That's what you assumed before you were knocked unconscious. Before you woke up in a costume chained to your friend and three strangers. Before Dickey the Rat informed you and your "team" that you get $250,000 for each person you kill. Before the neurotoxins pumping through the park's air system began to loosen your grip on reality. Before nightmares and the real world bled into a horrifying, broken fantasy you can't wake up from.

If you survive the storm (and the things lurking within it), you'll win riches beyond your wildest dreams. But how far are you willing to go? How committed are you to pleasing your guests and satisfying your spectators? The Show will go on. It will always go on. But what role will you play in it?

Twine Word Count: 53,625 with code (maybe like 48-50k without? idk, I write with code so I don't know how to estimate that)

Average Playthrough: 30 minutes (around 12-15k words)

And, is the game finished? Oh, no! Definitely not. This is far from the full story or the finished product (there are literally debug links that I forgot to take out in the very first passage).

Lots of content and features will be coming out in the near future alongside the patching that needs to take place. Details below.

The next update will hopefully be on March 5th (though I'm a university student dealing with midterms so that may change). Further updates will be announced on the Mousetrap blog (linked here).

Truly, from the bottom of my heart. I greatly appreciate all of the interest, support, and feedback that I've received on this project and others. If you're enjoying Mousetrap so far, please consider rating the game or leaving a comment on itch.io, reblogging this post, or sharing the game with a friend (or enemy, coworker, acquaintance, pet, stranger, distant cousin, really anyone/thing who you think might like it).

To read about some of my other projects, check out my personal game dev blog @gamesbyalbie or my project-specific blogs like @hadeskitchen or @zorlok-if.

(PS: The original extremely sleep-deprived version of this post has been preserved under the cut for posterity's sake)

Have a Magical Day!

DEMO | BLOG | INTRO POST | DEV LOG | CAST PROFILES & PORTRAITS | PLAYLIST | PINTEREST: MAIN, COSTUMES, SETS

ORIGINAL POST:

Well, I'm mentally and physically exhausted (literally falling asleep as I'm writing this so, this may be a little loopy too). BUT, Mousetrap was submitted to the game jam and is now live on the Itch.io store.

This is not the finished game (like there are debug links on the very first passage that I forgot to turn off, but I'll be updating this with plenty of fixes and a lot more content as soon as I'm allowed to).

Total word count (with code since I write with code) is over 53k words. Average playtime is about a half hour. For a game that I've conceived and written in just one already busy month, I'm pretty happy with that. (except for the debug links, those are bugging the shit out of me)

BONUS - in case you wanted to know what stress looks like:

Also, color me curious, if you want to and have the time to do so, let me know what choices you made (dream, relationships, role, route, etc.).

Tomorrow I'll be returning to Tumblr and catching up on everything I've missed. Have a great [insert your time here]! I'm falling asleep

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( ^ imagine that was my head hitting the keyboard, that's what it feels like I'm about to do)

Okay, I'm going to sleep.