#and if he DOES regret it imo is more in 'shame i had to do it' rather than 'shame i did it' way if you know what i mean

[u5an5]

Theory: The Clone X was not Cody like some people think or even Fives (I know he's been dead for a very long time but so was Boba Fett and look where we are. Plus, Echo was supposed to be certainly dead too; making him Winter Soldier-esque storyline wouldn't be that surprising) or not even Slick.

((Also, now that we've seen his face devoid of any tattoos or scars I think first two takes are definitely not applicable anymore; they wouldn't put that much effort to make him unrecognizable))

Back to the point: In my opinion, The Clone X was none other than...

Fox.

Now let me explain.

Who else, other than X, was loyal to the law and justice dictated by it over any moral or ethic code?

Fox.

Who else was portrayed with such single-minded focus on hunting down traitors of the government he served, regardless of what it was?

Fox.

Who else could know not only Coruscant so well but also identify Rex like they knew each other?

He already was a remarkably successful tracker of traitors, why not make him more efficient by pointing them out for him?

Good soldiers follow orders, after all.

[consistentsquash]

HOTD Fridays - Detailed Fic Rec - Coda

Link - Coda

Length - 25000 words. Rated M.

TL;DR - Ossuarium's Coda. This fic is straight up a coda. It's a lookback at the beautiful lore, characterizations, relationships and the spectacular plot that we got to read and fall in love with.

We get 13 POVs corresponding to the 13 people Daemon loses. Really a subversion on the hero's journey recipe. Antihero's journey? Also feels like Major Arcana? Maybe? Don't quote me on that though.

Alysanne. The Guide. - She is intense and formidable. We get to see how she connects with Daemon and essentially teaches him everything about their family/dragons. Later on, when Daemon is teaching Rhaenyra or Baela we can see a lot of her influence in him.

None of Alysanne's children had tolerated Dragonstone well. Her grandchildren; Rhaenys and Daemon took to the sorcery-warped hold as if they too were fused of blood and black stone by spells of fire.

2. Baelon. The Father. He is totally lost after Alyssa's death and kind of hopeless at raising his kids. But he wants to be there for them. He tries! The type of father Daemon becomes is essentially following Baelon's example.

Baelon woke in the nights with terrible visions of Balerion taking Viserys to hell as he had taken Aerea, and of Daemon dying with a bolt in his throat while Caraxes munched on goats.

3. Jaehaerys. The King. He is trying his best to fix things in the realm but that has a big cost because he loses his children + wife's love. He has 13 kids. The 13 wounds Daemon ends up with is essentially a callback to the 13 kids Jaehaerys loses. Their relationship is messy peak family drama but with Love in capitals.

They said that Jaehaerys loved his grandchildren more than he had loved his children. His grandchildren were what remained of Alysanne; he loved them in guilt and remorse and regret.

4. Aemma. The Sister. Daemon had a sister. It was Aemma. They both love Viserys. They both love Rhaenyra. They are on the same wavelength. It's what Aemond and Helaena can be if they weren't like in the middle of a war with some crazy parents. This is the saddest POV, IMO. But it's also the most character revealing.

She was Dim Daella's daughter. Daella had been married in the Sept of Dragonstone because she could not bear the sounds of crowds. There had been no bedding ceremony, because Daella could not have borne the shame of it. Grandmother had suggested that for Aemma's wedding, but Grandfather had refused her flatly. The realm must celebrate, he had said.

5. Rhea. The Wife. She is doing her best to save her household/herself from Daemon's mood swings and general awfulness. Because it's not like he's a good husband or anything. But they have a pretty decent working partnership. They actually care for each other in their own weird way. Rhea's rune knife is Daemon's last weapon in Ossuarium and we get to see them bonding over it. It's really bittersweet.

In a long wedlock, one counted what one had. Oh, she would be bitter and resentful soon, and she would meet his cruel words with her own, but right then, for a brief spell, there was peace and quiet.

6. Laena. The Lover. Honestly Ossuarium's Laena is the best. Rhaenyra loves her. Daemon loves her. It is perfect compersion/Book!Laena dynamics with Rhaenyra. I really love her POV because Rhaenyra was capable of making good female friends outside Alicent. Also because Rhaenyra and Daemon are more than just their relationship with each other. Laena POV in the coda finally does justice to Daemon's Viserys trauma about his brother holding a dagger to his neck. Which. Yeah. A classic case of Targ family bonding.

Her husband's head was on her lap and she kissed him in glad lust. Vhagar was exasperated and amused and bubbling with affection.

7. Viserys. The Husband. Ossuarium's Viserys/Daemon is the trainwreck you can't look away from. Because it's that bad and that good. They are intense and Viserys goes 100% Targ when it is about Daemon. Also they love each other. With peak stupidity. Maximum Targ. While Ossuarium doesn't really have an OTP as such Viserys/Daemon is the heartbeat of the series because of how much collateral damage they end up creating. We get the extraordinary, special and intensely beautiful Viserys POV one last time.

His gaze was heavy and grieving as he watched the rot and ruin of you that he had caused. Of his making. It was all of his making. They leeched you. The fattest prey there was. That there had been. You were emaciated and alone. Ten years. He had returned to Dragonstone and wed Rhaenyra. He visited you dutifully and frequently, but between you lay a gulf of old and unforgivable grief.

8. Luke. The Son. Luke being a really good boy. With a really crazy uncle with zero impulse control on top of a dragon with negative impulse control. He has 100% confidence that his Dad will avenge him.

"My father knows where I am."

9. Rhaenys. The Queen. Ossuarium is essentially a story about Alysanne's legacy and her four grandchildren. Rhaenys was Alysanne's chosen Queen. We have Daemon finally accepting that. Because it should have been Rhaenys. The relationship between Rhaenys and Daemon is one of the most fascinating dynamics in Ossuarium because they love the same people, they value the same things, but they have totally opposite ways of showing it. IMO, Rhaenys is the literal heart of Ossuarium. She is brilliant in her POV in the coda.

In the Dragonmont's shadow, the last of Alysanne's grandchildren embraced each other upon the ossuarium of their house. Each bore the other's favour. The remains of them they clung to in fierce hoard-hold.

10. Jace. The Heir. Ossuarium's Jace is fantastic. His resentment about being a bastard and getting mocked about it, his love for Baela, his confusion about how Daemon sees him, his support for Rhaenyra without missing her weaknesses, his need to get validated by Rhaenys, his protectiveness for his sibs, his search for a father figure, his willingness to do anything to protect his family. We get to see everything in his Coda POV. Including a great serving of the tense relationship he has with Daemon. He opposes Daemon knowing that Daemon will forgive him. Because that's what a father does.

Jace should not speak of the matter again, but he wanted to hear that he had been right. Mother had told him that he was in the right. Grandfather had told him. He wished that Father would affirm him too.

11. Viserys II. The Prince. Literally. He comes up on top because he is clever, plucky, endlessly optimistic, manipulative when he needs to be and has 100% faith in his family. He is probably the best King Westeros lost out on. We get to see it here. Whatever his situation he figures out what to do. He is the best GOT player of their family. Also he does everything to get back to his family. Everything from his relationship with Daemon and Rhaenyra to his love for brothers/sisters to his really special attachment to Aegon is 100% a mirror of Daemon himself.

He parted himself in thirds, for brother and wife and the light that came.

12. Rhaenyra. The Twine/The Yoke. Because she is Daemon's everything including the weirdest passionate umbilical connection ever. The twine he chose/the yoke it gradually changed into. There is nobody else who can make him fall so low and rise so high. He screwed her life up big time. Also saved her. Also screwed her life up again. Rhaenyra is the biggest tragedy in this story. It's messy/passionate/horrible/frightening/beautiful/intense. This is a love for the ages. But it is the type of love that nobody really wants because it's scary and a million ego deaths. Like you can't consciously decouple from this. There is no going back.

He did not speak her name. He sang it as if it were a hymn. Perhaps that was why he could not harden himself against her. What man could erect a carapace to protect himself when he spoke a name as hymn?

13. Caraxes. The Heart. Because. This is Ossuarium. This is the greatest sacrifice in Ossuarium and it's also the most willing one. Because Daemon was everything to Caraxes just like Caraxes was everything to Daemon. They are fire made flesh. They belong to each other. Caraxes is the 13th/final wound and the one that ends up saving Daemon. Plot spoilers so I won't go into more detail. But how absolutely spectacular to have the Caraxes POV as the closer because the Caraxes POV opened Ossuarium.

Their once-home was a place of fourteen flames. They are what remains of it in misshapen heart and warped wyrm-wings. Their troth is what remains of it. They burn as the fourteen once burned, unto ossuarium. Peregrine things, the lonely elm and the vine that sought it so that they might be peregrine no more, for the vine's home is the elm, and the elm's home the vine that hoard-holds it.

Like a lot of things about Ossuarium, the devil is in the details and the layers. Caraxes keeps the agendered present tense POV. Viserys keeps his unreliable 2nd person POV. The others remain in the past tense. Because Caraxes is the one who ensures Daemon's future and Viserys is the one we don't know if Daemon ever recovered from.

But. Read the coda. Read it for Caraxes because this is essentially a story about a boy and his dragon. With lots of meditations about masculinity and gender. With a lot of questions about where exiles/others belong in a society. Also Targs being Targs 100%.

[ladylyra]

kurai and fyren are both wonderful designs!!! do they have lore behind them like the other gijinkas? I wasn't sure if they would since you didn't seem interested in sv. either way, I love them!

If I'm being honest, I'm actually very interested in the substance of the games. The story is probably the best they've put out since gen 5 imo (right after we got out of one of the worst with the last gen lol). I love the characters. Having the three stories split up was something I'd never think to do that ended up benefiting the pace of the game really well by not having any one story either derail or stifle you with its delivery. It's just a shame it got rushed out and released in an unacceptable state :(

ALL THAT ASIDE they have some lore yes.

for fyren, he's a singer and performer from the underworld (the same one that exists in my other stories) but there's not a lot of details about his actual life. he has a very extroverted stage persona but is a lot more mellow in their personal life, which is very jarring for people that try to get close to them; once it's revealed they're not nearly as gregarious, a lot of people usually drop out of the running for their friendship--in the very least, this means that his friends are mostly people who actually appreciate who he is.

he has a small romantic history with souta. i'd consider them similarly mysterious and had a mutual shared interest in sort of 'figuring out' the other. souta's genuinely extroverted and fun-loving, so i think fyren was attracted to all those qualities that they merely emulated on stage. it didn't ultimately work out because fyren's one passion is his music and performing, and someone they'd be involved in would have to share that goal and also not mind being second to it. they would also have to deal with dating a famous-ish person. so, yup, didn't work. they're still friends though :)

kurai comparatively probably doesn't have as much interesting lore, but i always imagined him as some disillusioned college graduate. pursuing a field that relies on a lot of networking and connections didn't serve him well, though, because he's horrible at basically all of that and didn't have the determination to push through his feelings.

he has a very difficult time communicating with others normally, but it's even worse when it comes to his work, because he can get defensive over his artistic vision and hates explaining it to others. he can come off as very defensive because of this--definitely regrets opening his mouth 5 minutes later, so in the end he ends up avoiding others or shutting them down before disaster can happen.

i think he does lots of freelance work but, like i said, very difficult to work with. works a ton of odd jobs to compensate, but permanent employment is a bit more dicey because they usually want him to start dressing and acting differently so, yeah, not happening.

the giant paintbrush is used for a lot of abstract murals. also graffiti sometimes but he's had to slow that a little bc ppl were catching on. some of it negative attention but even the people who thought he was cool he wanted to push away :(

[serceleste]

doctor strange in the multiverse of madness

Saw it a couple weeks ago! Had been really looking forward to it, for a lot of reasons. I liked it, but tbh I wanted to like it more than I actually did.

- The main issue for me was that I didn’t buy into the central premise of Wanda as the villain, post Wandavision. It’s not that I don’t believe she has the potential because she 100% does, after all, this is the same character who in the comics went “no more mutants” and in the MCU mind controlled an entire town. It’s that they didn’t convince me that the Wanda who understood the wrongs she committed in Wandavision and genuinely regretted her actions would then immediately turn around and go full ‘I don’t give a shit who I have to murder to steal this other woman’s life and her kids’. I gather the Darkhold was negatively influencing her but IMO they didn’t sell it all the way as ‘this is why, it’s not really Wanda’, and even if they had, honestly I find that a cop-out. So anyway it was hard to appreciate the movie for what it was when the whole time I was just thinking ‘this is not Wanda wtf’. Which is a shame, because I think a villain Wanda I believed in would have been great, and she certainly was pretty scary.

- But I did like a lot of parts of the movie! Especially just Stephen himself. I LOVE HIM.

- I loved America, and I loved her relationship with Stephen. So good. (And at least they kept her moms, though I’m honestly not surprised they managed to avoid yet again showing a character as LGBTQ+.)

- Wong is so great. I was about to be so fucking mad that they killed him off, in my head I was just like ‘no they didn’t no they didn’t he’s FINE’ until finally they showed him okay. Him trying to get Stephen to bow to him was the best.

- Loved the Illuminati! And what a fun way to include some AU things we don’t have in the main timeline, like Maria!Captain Marvel, and Captain Carter (CAPTAIN CARTER OH MY GOD SHE WAS SOOOOO COOL). Xavier in his hover chair! With the cartoon music! I was so surprised to see what’s his name as Reed. (I always think of him first as Emily Blunt’s husband, lol.)

- There were some really cool visuals, notably the montage where America and Stephen are moving from universe to universe. I also liked the fighting with musical notes, and Wanda fighting through reflections.

- Zombie Strange was fucking weird but I liked it.

- I think they used Christine well, and I believed that Stephen genuinely loved her but couldn’t figure out how to be with her, and I believed in her importance to him. I really liked the last scene of him and the other universe’s Christine together, where he finds a sort of closure and peace.

- Also loved Stephen being faced with all the other Stephens’ bad choices, and then being able to make better ones himself, even to the point of saving America when she herself was at peace with that not happening. I got a little teary when he helped her find her own control.

- And for all that this way of doing villain Wanda didn’t work for me, I still cried when Billy and Tommy were scared of her and she realized she had become their monster. That really got me.

- I want Young Avengers Billy (and Billy/Teddy!!) SO MUCH but I was still pleased to see the Wandavision versions of him and Tommy again because the child actors are so charming.

- I loved the goat dude. Glad he’s okay!!

- CLEA! CHARLIZE THERON! CHARLIZE THERON AS CLEA!!!! Oh my fucking God. I almost jumped out of my seat and cheered. Marvel, thank you for this gift, holy shit.

[yesterdayiwrote]

I’m almost certain that something big has gone down… like despite him saying he’s Mercedes through & through he’s been actively negotiating with other teams, and the whole approaching RB and now the strong likelyhood he’s going to Ferrari. It now makes more sense why he’s not been spotted with Toto like George has over the winter break…

Honestly anon, being serious about it for a moment, Lewis is never spotted with Toto over Winter break so I think it's irrelevant. It also sounds like Toto only just found out and so again, I don't think it's anything that Toto has had a hand in.

I think it will be A LONG time before we ever find out exactly what has made him jump, and I mean truthfully warts and all, not just a cute little soundbite reasoning.

It's genuinely too early to know what either car is going to be like this year or next, and Ferrari aren't telling him the good info this far out, especially not while he's under contract for another team. It's still too early for them to fully know what the Merc will be like so it seems unlikely to be performance driven.

It's unlikely to be teammate related because the situation at Ferrari is likely to be exactly the same, if not worse and there's the added language barrier and need to set up from scratch again so I can't see that being an influence.

Drivers always talk to other teams so I don't think it's out of the ordinary to do that, but it is odd to sign 2 years (or 1+1) and then sign elsewhere before you've even commenced that contract.

I've said for a while that Toto has a lot of shortcomings that have yet to be scrutinised and this happening on his watch with someone who has been such an integral part of the team only really adds to that imo. Something definitely does seem to have broken down between Toto and Lewis and the team and I think they probably all have a slight blame in that.

I doubt it's one big thing, it's more likely a collection of things that have just left Lewis to think 'Fuck it, why not.' If it works well for him, great, if not, he'll be 40 and will have had a good innings and will probably feel no shame in walking away. He's gambling a lot of sentimental baggage to do it though, and with it leaking this early, he's potentially sacrificing his 2024 as well, so I do hope it's not something he ends up regretting. History doesn't fall massively on his side in that respect!

[newtonsheffield]

I love love love all your takes and long breakdowns of the characters this season!!!!! Why do you think Kate ran away at the end of 7 and where do you think she was going? Like was she just going to clear her head and planned to return to face her family? Was she planning to avoid Anthony and if so like….how?! Imo, she had already somewhat accepted that she was going to be estranged from Edwina and Mary and felt like she deserved to be alone and that her absence would somehow reinstate everyone’s happiness. Also she’s riding in the rain too, which she said makes her uneasy in the library scene, yet she seemed so determined and quite literally was running away from Anthony. I don’t know, sorry this is long, but I just love talking about these characters!

Okay!

This is something I'm probably gonna delve a little more into when I make these videos but I think what happens after her encounter with Anthony is a little interesting!

I'm gonna put it under the cut!

The very first time we see Kate in the after, she's in a panic

e

And I think there's a lot going on for her here:

Firstly, while I don't think Kate cares overmuch for the conventions of society: she is still a young woman. She still gave herself to Anthony (in some way or another). Even if she wanted to do it, even if she knew they could never be together.

Because in what possible world could they? She knew it was done for them the minute she stood in those woods and begged him to marry Edwina. No matter what happened between them: Her sister jilted him at the altar.

But I think, her slut shame spiral is of short duration. I think more than anything Kate's shocked at herself. Shocked that finally she let herself be selfish.

And I think she feels guilty. You can see it here. Se it so plainly. The panic, the guilt welling in her chest.

Not for what she's done. She doesn't necessarily regret that. I think she regrets what this is going to mean for her. Edwina was still very upset about... the tender eye fuck Kate and Anthony shared at her wedding and I think Kate feels like finally she's done enough to push them away forever.

There's an interesting feeling that settles in your chest when you're so used to repressing everything you want. When you're used to swallowing it down and pushing it away until you almost can't feel it. She knew what would happen if she spent the night with Anthony, and she did it anyway.

And still she can't stop thinking about it. Can't stop thinking about how his hands felt on her, and his lips and the way it made her feel and the way, when it happened it didn't feel wrong at all. How she'd lain against his chest in the minutes afterwards, while his breathing evened out in her ear, his arm around her waist, and she'd known she loved him.

It's also fairly obvious, from the look on her face when Anthony comes to see her (after her accident) that she didn't expect him to want to see her again. She's surprised that he came to call on her. And the little shake of her head she gives when he says he took liberties with her is heartbreaking.

SBecause she doesn't want him to think what they shared was something he took when she gave it willingly.

But regardless of all of this: It's confusing.

So Kate does the only thing that's going to bring her some semblance of a calm: She goes out. And maybe she's running again. She's spent the better part of her life running from what she wants, but she does it again. And she does it because last night she didn't.

Last night she didn't run from what she wanted. She stood there and took it with both hands: And it probably ruined everything.

So she's going away. She's going far away where she can't hurt Edwina anymore, and Mary won't feel the burden of loving her, and she won't bring shame on Anthony's family.

And in time, what she feels will pass, but she'll remember how it felt to pretend Anthony loved her. Just for one night.

[jingyismom]

Another twt threadfic import! Wangxian, 9k, post-CQL getting together Explicit, No Warnings POV switches wildly at will, and LWJ gets drunk but nothing happens at that point! Proceed for humor, tension, sweetness, and spice.

Anybody else think about what would happen if post-CQL, pre-relationship wangxian were traveling and Lan Do-Not-Indulge-In-Pleasure Wangji walked in on his very good friend Wei Wuxian...

...Indulging In Pleasure?

First, he would Run. Door slammed shut. Possibly colliding with a few walls while he tries to figure out how to Get Away to Meditate Immediately.

Wei Wuxian comes after him asap to apologize. There is a lot of overlapping apologizing, and little to no eye contact.

Maybe after, though, Wei Wuxian would feel a little...frisky. And a tiny bit defensive. "Lan Zhan, everybody does it!! It's not THAT upsetting!"

Lan Wangji cuts a glare at him. "Everyone does not do it."

Wei Wuxian suddenly has a lot of new things to think about.

(This is only ONE interpretation of Lan Wangji's relationship to self-pleasure...but it's a pretty fun one imo)

Wei Wuxian can't stop thinking about it. Has Lan Wangji really never...like NEVER never...is that. How could he even ask that? He can't, right? It'd be weird.

It Eats At Him. He loses sleep.

Coincidentally, so does Lan Wangji. They both lie awake at night in their shared room, very determinedly Not Thinking About the things they have learned.

Lan Wangji recites rules for hours trying to get the image of what Wei Wuxian looks like when he's doing THAT out of his mind.

Maybe, ages after Wei Wuxian thought Lan Wangji had fallen asleep, he hears him shift. It's a small sound but Wei Wuxian knows Lan Wangji doesn't move at all when he's really out.

"Can't sleep?" He says into the dark.

Lan Wangji takes a long time to answer. He's debating pretending not to hear. "No."

Wei Wuxian sort of thinks he knows why, but isn't sure exactly WHY why...like. Is Lan Wangji freaked out and disgusted? Is he confused? Is he...intrigued?

"It's because of the rules, right?" He asks instead. "It's a Lan thing."

Again, Lan Wangji takes a long time to answer.

It is only partly true. It is a rule, in a way. At least, that's how Lan Wangji had interpreted it when he was young. But it became a mixture of habit and shame, of self-disgust. And then after Nightless City, it simply did not occur to him. His body did not seem to work that way anymore.

He can't say any of that.

"Yes." It's not entirely a lie.

The horrible inconvenience of his body working that way, again, now, is another thing entirely. He does his best to ignore it. He does not want to address it. Meditation is his best friend once again.

"I really thought you'd started bending rules," Wei Wuxian muses aloud. "That's such a...specific one to stick to."

Lan Wangji has no answer for this. He honestly agrees.

After a pause Wei Wuxian goes on. "You never even thought about it? What about if you marry? Or what if you NEVER marry?"

Even in the oddly comforting unreality of the dead of night, Lan Wangji can't begin to discuss most of this.

"You said yourself no woman would want to marry me," he deflects.

"Ugh, did I?" Wei Wuxian says. "I suppose I did. Stupid. Anybody would be crazy not to want to marry you."

The silence after this declaration is particularly loud. Wei Wuxian covers it with an awkward laugh. "Anyway, I guess you probably think it's just another way the rest of the world is...gross. And...debaucherous. Huh."

Lan Wangji hears the self-effacement in his tone. "No. It is natural."

Wei Wuxian goes silent for a long moment. "Then why the rule?"

"It is...easier," Lan Wangji struggles to merge truth with the fib. "To deny one's—it is not a question of judgment. Do not worry, Wei Ying."

Wei Wuxian huffs. "I'm not worried, Lan Zhan." Well, he's not anymore. But then he processes the rest of it. "So. Then, it's less of a rule? And...more of...a...guideline?"

Lan Wangji says nothing. He's already said too much. He should be asleep. He should have pretended he was.

Wei Wuxian doesn't know why he's pushing this so hard. He can't make his mouth stop saying words, carried forward on a tide of morbid curiosity and an abstract sense of unjust wastefulness. If Lan Wangji is going to miss out on the natural pleasures of life, he at least wants to understand.

"That's a lot of years of dedication to a not-rule," he says.

Lan Wangji is silent, again.

"Must be difficult," Wei Wuxian insists.

Lan Wangji resists the urge to say both "it isn't" and "it is."

"You're not even curious?"

Lan Wangji is not. He understands the concept. Understands the truly unsettling ferocity of his own feelings, his own desire. Understands that some things, once begun, have a way of getting under one's skin and living there. The combination of these things is unthinkable.

"You could ask, if you were," Wei Wuxian goes on, unperturbed. "I don't mind."

This is not what Lan Wangji thought he meant. His mind is suddenly bursting with the most inappropriate of questions: mainly, horribly, "What do you think of, when you do it?"

"I would not," he manages to say.

"No, you wouldn't, would you," Wei Wuxian concedes. He is aware, distantly, that he is trying to cover up the acute awkwardness of being caught with his dick out with the hazier, less severe awkwardness of talking too much. It doesn't stop him. "You're not made of jade, but you do like to pretend you are."

He knows, immediately, even before Lan Wangji's sharp intake of breath, that he's said the wrong thing.

"Ah, Lan Zhan, I didn't mean that. I didn't." The silence is accusing, unforgiving. "I'm sorry. That was wrong."

Lan Wangji just lies there, silently blindsided. This is how Wei Wuxian sees him. Not as the bloodless statue of a man others see, but as a man desperately trying to realize that vision. And this...all of this, has only reinforced it.

"No," he says quietly. "You are right. It is easier."

"You keep saying that," Wei Wuxian says after a thoughtful silence. "Easier than what?"

This, Lan Wangji does not have the words to explain. There is no way to encompass the depth and breadth of it.

"It is time for sleep," he says.

Wei Wuxian chuckles darkly. "It was time for sleep ages ago. But alright. I can take a hint."

Neither of them sleep.

~~~

Days pass, and they do not speak of the incident again, though neither of them find themselves capable of forgetting it. The next time it comes up is completely by virtue of a series of accidents.

At dinner Wei Wuxian, in the habit of adding more food to Lan Wangji's bowl every time Lan Wangji adds some to his, does so without looking at what he is doing. When Lan Wangji hurries to douse the fire on his tongue with water, the nearest cup to his grasp contains something else entirely.

Wei Wuxian fortunately catches him before his head hits the table, this time.

When he wakes, bleary and unsteady, Wei Wuxian hustles him up and over to the stairs before he can get loose and wreak havoc. He learned his lesson the last time.

He helps Lan Wangji up to their room with an arm around his waist, and it's necessary but still feels a little bit like a violation. Lan Wangji does not like to be touched. It is probably a blessing that he won't remember this come morning.

Wei Wuxian is proud that they only stumble once before he figures out how to hold up the hems of both their robes with his one free hand, even with the distracting, warm weight of Lan Wangji's head on his shoulder. Once in the room, however, Wei Wuxian begins to regret his strategy of supervised confinement. There is nothing to do but sit while Lan Wangji stares at him, unfocused but intent.

"Lan Zhan...are you in there?"

Lan Wangji nods but doesn't break his stare. The room feels uncomfortably warm.

Wei Wuxian rolls his head back to look at the ceiling. Maybe a couple of petty crimes are worth ending this...but no. It wouldn't do to have rumors of Hanguang-jun vandalizing farms across the land. As funny as it would be, it wouldn't do at all. Wei Wuxian groans.

He stands and begins to putter around the room, pacing when that fails. Lan Wangji watches him with his silent, heavy gaze. The room really is far too warm.

Wei Wuxian unbuckles his belt to get rid of his thick outermost layer. Lan Wangji makes a small noise and laboriously turns himself around to face the wall.

"Lan Zhan? You alright?"

"Mn," comes the reply, with an exaggerated nod.

"What are you looking at over there?" He's irrationally half afraid Lan Wangji could start hallucinating.

"Away."

"A what?"

"Looking away."

"From?"

Lan Wangji glances over his shoulder, slow and shy, his heavy-lidded eyes falling on Wei Wuxian's hands at his belt.

The room gets warmer.

"Ah...hahaha...Lan Zhan. I'm just feeling a little hot, okay? Don't spit blood."

He takes off his belt. Lan Wangji faces the wall. When he shrugs off his long, thick vest, Lan Wangji starts wobbling, and it takes Wei Wuxian a confused minute before he realizes he's trying to stand up. He rushes to help.

"What now??"

"Leaving."

Wei Wuxian sighs. It has begun.

"You can't leave, Lan Zhan, it's late. Where will you go?"

"Outside." He's tugging insistently against the hand holding onto his arm.

"Okay," Wei Wuxian relents. He does sort of want to get out of this room. Get some fresh air. "Alright. Let's go."

Lan Wangji makes a distressed noise and tears his arm away. "Alone."

Wei Wuxian stares. "You can't—why?"

"Privacy."

"You—what do you need—" Wei Wuxian deliberately drops the question. "Sorry, Lan Zhan, you can have privacy in here, OR you can go outside. Not both."

Lan Wangji pouts. It's horrible. Wei Wuxian is not equipped to handle it. He opens his mouth to distract him.

Lan Wangji speaks first. "Not me. You."

"Me what?"

"Privacy."

Wei Wuxian's brain stalls, unable to follow Lan Wangji's logic. "What for?"

Lan Wangji makes a gesture at him that manages to be sloppy, elegant, and vaguely suggestive all at once. Wei Wuxian's face heats.

"I'm--I'm not. Doing. I wasn't going to do anything, Lan Zhan. I was just taking off one layer, see? To be more comfortable."

Lan Wangji blinks, unfocused, and sways. He's silent long enough that Wei Wuxian starts to relax and hope that he might just fall asleep. Which would be a blessing, given how difficult his heavy stare and softly parted lips are making it for Wei Wuxian not to Think Bad Thoughts.

Lan Wangji, however, is trying very hard to think thoughts with very limited success.

"Why?"

Wei Wuxian frowns at him. Which is bad.

"Why not?" He tries again. His words are not very good at present.

"Why am I not comfortable? It's a warm night."

Wei Wuxian is speaking slowly, like Lan Wangji is a child who does not understand such things. Lan Wangji frowns. He understands plenty.

He shakes his head and makes the motion again, the one Wei Wuxian understood. "Why not?"

Wei Wuxian is silent a long while, his face screwed up strangely. Lan Wangji wants to pat it smooth but knows he should not.

"It's..hah, Lan Zhan, it's not like people are always...you're not always...in the mood, you know?"

Lan Wangji does not know. He cannot, at this moment, conceive of not being at least slightly aroused. And besides there is nothing different now from the time he had seen—no, he does not think of that.

"Why?"

Wei Wuxian sighs. He almost looks sad. That's bad.

"Sometimes you're thinking of other things, or busy, or lonely, or..."

Wei Wuxian keeps speaking, but Lan Wangji has stopped listening. Wei Wuxian need not be lonely. He is here. He can help. He can help with this and Wei Wuxian will stop looking sad.

"Not alone," he says. "’M here."

Wei Wuxian stops talking, and smiles at him. Good.

"That's true."

Lan Wangji nods. Good. Wei Wuxian smiles some more, and shakes his head.

"Don't you think it's time to go to bed, Lan Zhan?"

Lan Wangji's ears heat. He would like to. He did not expect Wei Wuxian to ask. He nods and takes Wei Wuxian's wrist, pulling him toward the bed. Wei Wuxian makes an odd sound when they get there, and Lan Wangji looks down at where he's holding onto him, to make sure his grip is not too tight.

"Lan Zhan, I'm not sleepy," Wei Wuxian says. "You can...you can sleep though."

Lan Wangji stares at him with that same, open-mouthed stare. Wei Wuxian's own mouth is very dry.

"Not sleepy."

"Okay," says Wei Wuxian, jittery. "Maybe. You could just try lying down. And see if you get sleepy."

Lan Wangji looks at the bed. And then looks at Wei Wuxian.

"Not sleepy."

"...Okay."

Lan Wangji tugs on Wei Wuxian's wrist. Wei Wuxian's stomach lurches. He clears his throat.

"What is it?"

Unsteadily, Lan Wangji turns toward him. He reaches for the ties of Wei Wuxian's robes.

Wei Wuxian grabs his wrists and holds them away from himself as if they're on fire. A nervous laugh fights its way out of his mouth.

"Ah, Lan Zhan, I...I'm good. I'm not warm anymore. I'm fine. Happy. Like this. Okay?"

"Happy," Lan Wangji repeats.

"Yeah."

Lan Wangji seems to consider this.

Eventually, he relents, and goes to sleep.

Wei Wuxian sits up all night wondering if Lan Wangji was actually trying to do what it seemed like he was trying to do, and what it might mean if he was.

~~~

The time after that, it is Wei Wuxian's fault entirely.

It has been three days since Lan Wangji's accidental drunken night, and Wei Wuxian can't stop thinking about the intent in his drowsy gaze, or the brief second Lan Wangji's hands were at his waist. Every night when they go to bed, the room, the inn, are different. But the tension created in his spine by the memory of wanting and being so close but so far, is the same.

Wei Wuxian wants to drink.

But he knows that he probably should not under any circumstances get tipsy alone with Lan Wangji if he wants to preserve their friendship. So drinking is out. But he needs...he feels like he's going crazy. He needs some kind of...release. And it's been days, he's been too keyed up to try jerking off since The Incident. Plus Lan Wangji has just always been nearby. Which is great, actually, he would gladly go on forever this way, but it's also not ideal when being around him at all has been getting him half hard with no way to take care of it.

But they're two mature adults. They fight monsters every day. Wei Wuxian has been dead for crying out loud. It shouldn't be hard to ask for some privacy. It's understandable that he should need some, sometimes. Lan Wangji had seemed to understand even when he was drunk out of his mind. Of course he understands—Wei Wuxian has only gone a few days and he's starting to fray, imagine Lan Wangji going all these years without. Imagine if he ever did...it

would probably be. It'd probably be...really...

He doesn't think about it. He doesn't ask.

He decides to sneak off into the woods, instead. Except, when he gets up to leave, Lan Wangji gets up as well.

"Ah...are you. Going out too?" Wei Wuxian asks.

Lan Wangji blinks at him, and backs up a step in that unconscious way of his. "Apologies. I assumed, from the hour, that you had deemed it was time for us to eat."

"Oh. We could do that."

Lan Wangji shakes his head. "I would not infringe on your plans."

Wei Wuxian cringes internally. "You're not. I was just...I was just. Going. Out. To...to walk."

Lan Wangji stares at him with new suspicion. Wei Wuxian crumbles.

"I needed some privacy."

Lan Wangji's ears heat, and his eyes slip to the ground. "I see."

Wei Wuxian turns as if to leave again, and suddenly Lan Wangji realizes that he has nowhere to go.

"Stay. I will go."

"Ah, you don't have to, Lan Zhan, don't worry about it."

"Nonsense. It is more comfortable here."

He barely gets through the sentence once it registers what he is saying. What they are discussing happening in this room. His ears are on fire.

"Yeah which is why you should just stay here, comfortable."

Lan Wangji shakes his head and moves to brush past him.

"Or we could both say."

Wei Wuxian has no idea what makes him say it. He's playing with fire, and this was not the plan. But he keeps hearing Lan Wangji's sad voice saying it is easier. The loneliness in it. A twisted part of him doesn't want Lan Wangji to be left out in the cold. Literally or metaphorically.

Lan Wangji has frozen. He does not know what Wei Wuxian is suggesting. Does not want to assume. Does not want to even entertain the idea that he might mean—

"I don't mind if you don't," Wei Wuxian goes on.

Mind? Lan Wangji does not mind. That is not the cause of the white noise now roaring in his head.

"It's up to you. We both stay, or I can go,” says Wei Wuxian.

It is childishly manipulative, transparently so. On reflex, Lan Wangji cuts a glare at him, but quickly looks away. It feels lewd to look at him at all, just now.

"You could...play a song, or something, if..."

Lan Wangji has to look at him then. He wants him to play for him while he...while he...

Wei Wuxian's face scrunches up. "That...that's probably. This is probably weird. You probably don't want to be aware of—this was weird. Forget it. You can go, I can go. I just thought you might not mind, since—"

He cuts off as if he's said something he didn't mean to.

"Since?" Lan Wangji prompts. He has no idea where the sentence was meant to lead.

"Ah..." Wei Wuxian rubs the back of his head. "That night you drank my wine," he starts.

Lan Wangji's stomach drops.

"Ah, it's nothing bad!" Wei Wuxian hurries to say. "Don't look so upset."

"What did I say?"

Wei Wuxian has been acting distant the last few days. This explains everything. He must have said something untoward. Unacceptable.

"You didn't really say anything much."

Lan Wangji's alarm heightens.

"Did I—do—"

"Don't worry!" Wei Wuxian almost shouts. He can't handle the stricken expression on Lan Wangji's usually calm face. "You didn't do anything bad."

"Then what—"

"You...sort of. You. You wanted to help, is all."

Lan Wangji's eyes widen further. He looks absolutely horrified. Wei Wuxian wants to kick himself.

"I—it wasn't—"

Except it was sort of like that. But not in...not in a bad way. It was sort of...weirdly cute. He doesn't think he can say that. He takes a deep breath.

"It wasn't bad. Nothing happened. You just seemed...you weren't upset by the concept."

Lan Wangji stares at him.

"...But you clearly are now, so."

There is a long, awkward silence. Lan Wangji stares hard at the wall.

"It does not upset me," he hazards. He wants to be clear on this. Does not want Wei Wuxian to think him judgmental, or a prude.

"Okay."

"It is natural to require privacy for such things."

"Yes."

"Therefore I shall leave you."

"...If you like."

That strange opening, once again. The offer to...to share space, while he—

"What would you like?" Lan Wangji finds himself saying. His breath leaves him with the words.

"I'd like to know what really keeps you from doing it, even now."

Lan Wangji looks at him, shocked.

"If you just didn't want to, or didn't feel like it, that would be one thing," he goes on, "but that's not what you said."

Lan Wangji curses himself for speaking so freely, that night. "Why does it matter?"

Wei Wuxian frowns at him, thinking.

"Because sometimes, I think you find little ways to punish yourself. You don't deserve that. Especially not like this."

It feels like a physical strike, and Lan Wangji flinches from it. The worst part of it is that it might even be true.

"Pot. Kettle. Black," he counters.

Wei Wuxian huffs. "That's fair. Yeah, that's fair."

"So is your point," Lan Wangji is forced to concede. "Possibly."

Wei Wuxian's eyebrows shoot up. "Well, that...that's unfortunate."

"If you say so."

"We should do something about it."

The both of them go very still.

Wei Wuxian did not mean it to sound like such a pointed suggestion.

Lan Wangji does not know what to do with it.

Wei Wuxian laughs again, but it trails off pitifully.

"I didn't mean—" he starts at the same time Lan Wangji says,

"Alright."

They both snap their mouths shut.

Lan Wangji knows he has said the wrong thing, now. Knows he has given away a weakness, read the wrong thing into their situation, making it hopelessly awkward between them at last.

Wei Wuxian takes stock. It's rare for Lan Wangji to express himself like this. He can't shoot him down. He can't let that wounded look stay on his face.

"You could try it," he says. "I could...whatever you need." That sounds wrong. He tries again. "I could answer...questions. Or I could. Be moral support." Everything he says sounds stupid.

Lan Wangji is turning slowly pink. It's extremely fetching. Wei Wuxian can't help but try to deepen the shade, an old reflex.

"I could show you how."

It's a joke, and it's not. He meant to tease, probably. It did not come out that way at all. He can't take it back.

Lan Wangji thinks he should probably feel patronized, but his heart is thudding too hard for him to think clearly. He should say no. Of course he should. He knows what this would do to him, knows he would never be able to look at Wei Wuxian the same. He is already tortured constantly by the glimpse he accidentally stole. This would make things exponentially worse.

But at the same time, contrary to popular belief, he is only a man. How is he to deny something so close to what he has always wanted, freely given? No matter that it means nothing. He cannot quite refuse outright.

"I understand the mechanics," he says instead. Neither a yes nor a no.

Wei Wuxian smiles crookedly. "There's a little more to it than that."

This is somewhat of a genuine surprise. It must show on his face.

"Tips and tricks," Wei Wuxian says, "I know a few."

Lan Wangji can feel his face flushing now, hot and likely obvious. It is not a usual occurrence.

"I've had way more practice than you, you have to admit."

Lan Wangji generally tries not to think of it. "I suppose."

"Ah, Lan Zhan, are you mad there's something I'm better at than you?"

"Of course not," Lan Wangji replies, automatic. "You are very skilled at many things."

Wei Wuxian is grinning at him now. It feels more natural. He realizes he's been baited into relaxing somewhat.

"Alright," says Wei Wuxian, his grin fading a little, "if it's too awkward, then forget it. But the offer stands."

Lan Wangji feels very much pulled along by Wei Wuxian's current. It is a familiar feeling. He does the only thing he knows how to do any longer: he gives in.

"Alright."

Wei Wuxian blinks. In absolutely no part of his mind had he expected Lan Wangji to accept. He doesn't know what he thought. He wasn't actually thinking.

And now...

He. Well. Now he has to do as he said he would.

"Alright," he echoes back. "I...then. Alright."

It should be easy, in a sense. Once he'd become an official Jiang disciple and entered the dorms, it had become a necessity to tune out the presence of other people. But other people aren't Lan Wangji. And he can't remember anyone ever watching. That's certainly...something else. 

He goes back into the bedroom, stripping off layers as he goes. He leaves most of them on—he's pretty sure this isn't supposed to be that kind of show.

Unless it is.

But it's not.

He turns to find Lan Wangji hovering, eyes averted, very much visibly embarrassed, and he has a very genius, very stupid idea.

As a teacher, he has come to appreciate that interactive learning is a powerful tool.

"Lan Zhan," he says, "learning by doing works best, sometimes."

"That is true," Lan Wangji says slowly.

Wei Wuxian shrugs. "Just an idea."

"Clarify." He does not want to misunderstand again.

Wei Wuxian fights his own blush at being made to say it. "We could do it at the same time. I could show you and you could try it. That way I could...you could. It might help."

Help what, he's not sure. He knows how all of this sounds. And yet here they are. He just can't stop himself.

Lan Wangji is having trouble deciding which of Wei Wuxian's suggestions should be accepted and which should be dismissed. He is unversed in what parts of this might cross the line of friendship.

But Wei Wuxian is offering. And in a deep, secret place, deeper even than his hopeless love, a part of him not only wants to see Wei Wuxian this way, but wants to be seen by him. He wants Wei Wuxian to have this part of him, whether he would care to keep it or not. He wants to give it to him more than he wants to have it himself.

"How?"

Wei Wuxian has once again not thought that far ahead. He scans the room, mind scrambling.

"Well. I...could sit. Here. And then you could also...you could sit."

He's staring at his bed, trying to think of a way this is not just him asking Lan Wangji to climb into bed with him. It occurs to him that's what he's been doing this entire time. He almost panics, but then...

Lan Wangji has been agreeing.

He looks at him again. Really looks. He's embarrassed, yes. A little lost. But underneath that, he looks determined.

For whatever reason, Lan Wangji wants this.

It settles the disquiet in Wei Wuxian. There's something Lan Wangji needs, here, and he's in a position to figure out how to let him have it. That's as worthy a cause as any.

"Get comfortable first," he says. "No Hanguang-jun allowed, this lesson is for Lan Zhan only."

Lan Wangji reaches up to take down his elaborate set of hair ornaments, and Wei Wuxian turns to consider the bed. It doesn't look very comfortable to lean on any part of it, so sitting is probably not ideal. It might be a hard sell, but he sees only one option.

"Lan Zhan—"

Lan Wangji is standing behind him, undone and soft. Smaller, without his tall hair and his billowing layers. Vulnerable. Wei Wuxian's heart does something complicated but familiar, and then picks up its pace. He'll have to tread carefully. To be careful with him.

"We'll just lie down first," he says. "Get used to that and go from there."

He expects A Look at the concept of getting used to lying down. But Lan Wangji only nods at the floorboards.

It's a little bit heartbreaking. Wei Wuxian is fairly certain a comforting touch wouldn't help. He stretches out and shimmies over to the side, as far as he can go to leave room. Lan Wangji only hesitates a moment before following suit. It's unfair how graceful he is, even in moments like this.

"Alright?" Wei Wuxian keeps his voice as soft and unobtrusive as he can.

Lan Wangji nods at the ceiling this time, his hands folded over his chest as if ready for sleep.

"It's really not a big deal, once you're used to it," he says, letting his mouth run. "It's like eating, or playing music. You figure out the ways you like to do it, and

try to get better at them." 

He feels silly, giving a lecture on this, but he thinks the chatter is having the desired calming effect. Lan Wangji's breathing looks deeper. More even. But maybe he shouldn't be staring at him so much just now.

He turns to the ceiling, too.

"It's good to start slowly," he says. "Relax, get your body tuned into touch the way you want it to be. Don't just dive straight in."

There is a beat of silence, of stillness.

He actually has to do this now.

He takes a breath and pulls open his robes. Sets a hand on bare skin.

"Like this."

Lan Wangji can barely hear him over the rushing, pounding blood in his ears, in his mind, in his everywhere. He is aware of movement beside him, and the awareness that Wei Wuxian is undressing further, is bare, is touching himself, floods him with something like burning slush.

"Whenever you're ready," Wei Wuxian says, and the rustle of fabric sounds lewd in the silence. "Just touch your stomach or something. Ground yourself."

Hastily, jerkily, Lan Wangji unties his robes and tunic, opening them just enough to lay fingertips on flesh. 

He cannot get enough air.

"When that feels nice, you can try something else. Like finding other places that feel particularly good. You know."

Lan Wangji has vague ideas. He does not really know. Does not think he could find them now, like this, strung so tightly.

"And whenever you feel like it, you can move on to more things. Or even The Thing, depending on how it feels."

Lan Wangji hears the slide of skin on skin. Hears Wei Wuxian's hand moving lower. The displacement of the waistband of his trousers.

He has never been so hard in his life. He wonders if it is possible to die from such a thing. He feels as if he might.

"How is it?" Wei Wuxian asks. His voice is breathier than it was a moment ago.

Lan Wangji feels dampness bloom in his own trousers. He clenches his fists and shuts his eyes.

"Lan Zhan?"

Wei Wuxian glances over, and sees the pained look on Lan Wangji's face. He stops the light, tentative touch he's been using on himself.

"What is it?"

Lan Wangji shakes his head. Wei Wuxian frowns.

"We can stop this right now," he says. "I'm sorry if I pushed it too far. I..."

"No," says Lan Wangji. "You did not. It is not your fault. I should not have agreed."

"Why not?"

Lan Wangji does not know where to begin.

"I should have known I would not be able to."

Wei Wuxian considers this. "There's nothing wrong with not being able to...perform. Under pressure. That—"

Reflexively, he glances down at him, and learns with immediate, brain-melting clarity that performance is not the issue. The sight chokes off the rest of his words. He tries to compose himself. He’s supposed to be helping, not panting like a dog. That's just taking advantage.

"Or. Ah...Do you feel like trying to tell me what the problem is?"

Lan Wangji shakes his head and blows out a frustrated breath. "I am sorry."

"Don't apologize," Wei Wuxian says, resisting the guilt that wants to spring on him. He can troubleshoot this. It's Lan Zhan. He deserves to feel good. "Is it just because I'm here? I can go."

"No," Lan Wangji says quickly. "I will go."

"Lan Zhan..." Wei Wuxian says gently. "You can't go out in public like that."

Lan Wangji knows this. And he has had this problem before, to a lesser extent. He is very good at getting rid of it. Only just now, with Wei Wuxian's warmth palpable beside him, he finds himself unable to concentrate. 

Embarrassment and frustration are rolling off of Lan Wangji in waves. Wei Wuxian casts about, desperate for a solution to the distress he has inadvertently caused.

"Lan Zhan, relax. It's only me. We have time to figure it out. Take a deep breath."

Lan Wangji breathes. It shudders out of him.

"Can I help?" Wei Wuxian asks.

He means it in a general way.

Lan Wangji's eyes snap open and fix him with a disbelieving stare, and he hears, then, how it sounded.

But Lan Wangji looks so...helpless. Almost pleading.

He doubles down.

"Let me help."

Lan Wangji stares at him with confusion just on the edge of fear. Wei Wuxian reaches out to hover a hand over his arm.

"Can I touch you?"

He sees Lan Wangji's throat bob as he swallows hard. He gives the slightest of nods. Wei Wuxian presses down on his bicep in what he hopes is a comforting way, and sweeps his thumb back and forth. Lan Wangji is so warm, even through his remaining layers.

"It's only me," Wei Wuxian says again. He runs his hand down to the fist curled tightly on Lan Wangji's stomach and gently pries it open. He wraps his fingers around his hand and rubs the back of it with his thumb until it relaxes. "It's just us. You trust me, and I trust you, right? Nothing to worry about."

Every word Wei Wuxian says is like another blade to Lan Wangji's gut. He should not be allowing this. In the name of trust, he should not let Wei Wuxian touch him with kindness, with the assumption of pure friendship. He should stop this.

But Wei Wuxian's hand is warm on his. A gesture so simple, reducing Lan Wangji to a hopeless, lovestruck fool. He cannot pull away from it. He could not bear to.

But then Wei Wuxian is moving their hands to rest on the bed between them, and letting go. He slides his hand back up Lan Wangji's arm to his shoulder, then down just slightly. Almost to his chest. Lan Wangji cannot breathe.

Wei Wuxian goes up on an elbow, looking down at him. His robes fall open just slightly, revealing a slice of skin. Lan Wangji looks away.

"Can I show you?" Wei Wuxian asks softly. His hand is a heavy weight. He is asking...he is asking to...

Lan Wangji should say no.

He cannot say it.

He nods. 

When Wei Wuxian's hand moves, when it slides to the center of his chest and beneath the fabric there, Lan Wangji closes his eyes. The first touch is a shock. With considerable effort, he does not flinch. He does not gasp. He keeps still and quiet as the small, shivery waves of sensation roll across his body, growing and fading as more of Wei Wuxian's hand comes in contact with his skin. It rests there, then, and Lan Wangji is grateful for the pause. He needs it to calm himself, to keep from shaking out of his body and into the ether.

But then it begins to move, a slow caress, and Lan Wangji feels all of his hair stand on end.

He did not know touch could feel like this.

"Alright?" Wei Wuxian asks, his hand petting up and down the center of Lan Wangji's chest, gradually widening into oblong circles.

The bright softness of it is beginning to overwhelm Lan Wangji, the sharp awareness it brings to his body unfamiliar and heady. He nods.

They have come this far. He does not know what it would do to him to stop, now. The only way out is through.

Wei Wuxian brushes his fingers out deliberately farther, catching across a nipple. Lan Wangji does not manage to stop his shocked intake of breath at the difference in feeling, at the very pointed, very intense pleasure. Wei Wuxian circles his fingertips almost casually, and does it again. As if it is directly connected, his cock jerks, the damp spot in his trouser spreading. Again, and he clenches his teeth against the sounds working up in his throat.

"Is that too much?" Wei Wuxian asks. He feels unsteady, jittery with adrenaline and determination. He can't believe Lan Wangji is letting him do this. He knows he has to make the most of this one chance.

Lan Wangji shakes his head, and Wei Wuxian gives his nipple a gentle squeeze. At that, Lan Wangji does gasp quietly, his hands fisting tight in the bedding.

"Enough," he forces out, hoarse.

Wei Wuxian's fingers still. "You want—you want me to—"

Lan Wangji nods, his skin flushed with embarrassment and arousal in equal parts. Wei Wuxian moves his hand to rest low on Lan Wangji's stomach, and all his muscles jump and tense in response. It is too intimate, this touch, somehow. More intimate than the others. His cock aches, and leaks, and he is nearly tempted to take it in hand himself. But he is paralyzed still by fearful embarrassment, and now also by his ferocious desire, empowered by all this unexpected fulfillment of distant, illicit hopes.

He waits.

"Lan Zhan, look at me," Wei Wuxian murmurs. He doesn't think he can do this without looking into his eyes and knowing he's really alright.

Lan Wangji's eyes open with a flutter of dark lashes, and their darkness, their intensity, shocks straight through to Wei Wuxian's own arousal. He had expected discomfort and uncertainty. The nerves are there, the slight fear, too, and the embarrassment, yes. But these are nearly subsumed by stormy, determined desire.

Wei Wuxian sees now, he thinks, what Lan Wangji meant. How simply not giving in to the slightest temptation might prove easier than keeping such fierce feeling leashed. He had not realized Lan Wangji might contain such heat, such extraordinary worldly needfulness.

It's insanely arousing. Wei Wuxian struggles not to fall upon him and ravish him on the best of days, but this...

He clears his throat. "Ready?"

Eyes still locked on Wei Wuxian's, Lan Wangji nods, clear and careful. Wei Wuxian slips his hand down, beneath his waistband, immediately hot and slick. He can feel Lan Wangji's hard muscles twitching beneath smooth skin and coarse hair. He lifts his fingers to skim his knuckles along his length, and holds back a shiver. Lan Wangji is hard, and hot, and smooth as silk. And big. Really big.

Wei Wuxian's mouth waters, and that is...a new response to this type of information. He files it away to think about never again.

Lan Wangji can only breathe in short, shallow pants. The light touch is driving him to distraction, too much and not nearly enough. His hips jerk unconsciously. His focus, his restraint, is beginning to drift out of his grasp.

Wei Wuxian wraps his hand around him loosely, and strokes him once from root to tip.

A long breath shudders out of him along with a small, pained sound he does not mean to make. He shuts his eyes tight, but then Wei Wuxian lets go. Lan Wangji makes another sound. Quieter, yet more embarrassing.

"Not enough room," Wei Wuxian says, his hand flat on Lan Wangji's stomach, between his hips.

Lan Wangji does not understand how a touch that was so overwhelming a moment ago could be so grounding now. He is able to fill his lungs easier, for a moment, even though he aches for the touch to return.

"These—can I—” Wei Wuxian tugs at his trousers.

Lan Wangji nods without looking, without thinking. He does not care. Not now.

Wei Wuxian shoves them down. Lan Wangji knows he is shifting, straining for him, but cannot do anything to stop. He is bare and pleading, and he finds he cannot mind at all.

Wei Wuxian knows he shouldn't stare, but it really is impossible not to. Lan Wangji's cock is huge, beautiful, and dark with need. It looks almost painful, honestly, and Wei Wuxian very purposely does not think about how that might be particularly turning him on. Instead he does what he's here to do. He helps.

He touches him gently at first, then more firmly, each stroke coaxing another pulse of precome from his tip. Wei Wuxian didn't even know you could get this wet. But then, he hasn't really taken stock of the state of his own trousers. All of this is very new. He's honestly happy to be surprised.

Lan Wangji is shifting under his hand, breath erratic and noisy, his face contracted in an ecstatic, agonized expression. It's so beautiful Wei Wuxian wishes he could paint it. Wishes he could paint it across the backs of his own eyes and look at it forever.

"Come on, Lan Zhan," he hears himself saying. His voice sounds like a stranger's. "That's good, just let go."

Lan Wangji groans. It's low, and quiet, but it makes Wei Wuxian's cock twitch so hard he gasps.

"Come on," he breathes. "That's right."

Lan Wangji tosses his head to the side and gasps, then visibly bites back another noise. Wei Wuxian tightens his grip and focuses on twisting his hand at the right time, adding and releasing pressure in the right places.

Lan Wangji cuts off a louder sound, sweat breaking out across his skin.

"Wei Ying," he murmurs then, as if dreaming.

Wei Wuxian knows he will be hearing it in his own dreams for the rest of his life.

With one more aborted cry, Lan Wangji's perfectly muscled stomach tenses up in a shallow crescent, and he comes. Head thrown back, throat working with the ragged sounds forced through it. He comes, and comes. Wei Wuxian has never seen this much come in his life. He strokes him, and pulls him through it for what seems like forever. Finally, he quiets, and the ribbons of white shorten and then cease entirely.

Lan Wangji's breaths come hitched and wet, almost like little sobs. Wei Wuxian stares. His mind is entirely, screamingly blank.

At length, Lan Wangji's eyes blink open and look at him with bleary shock. He looks drunk. He looks fucked out. He looks incredible. His eyes are big and damp, his mouth full and red and open. Wei Wuxian wants to—but no. He can't, because—but then Lan Wangji's gaze cuts down to Wei Wuxian's lips, and—

Wei Wuxian leans down and crashes their mouths together. No finesse, no care, no gentleness. He just needs to taste him, to feel him.

Lan Wangji makes a soft, wanting sound and kisses back, sluggish but no less enthusiastic for it. He grabs him with both hands and holds on tight. Wei Wuxian licks into his mouth, hot and soft and insistent, and Lan Wangji hears himself make another awful sound. He tries to keep up, wants distantly to be good at this, feels as if maybe, somehow, if he were, he might be allowed to have it again.

This need collides with the more present one to feel the give of Wei Wuxian's lower lip between his teeth.

Wei Wuxian is the one to make a sound now, sudden and cut-off but needful nonetheless. His fingers dig into Lan Wangji's waist, slippery with come. This combination reawakens Lan Wangji's briefly calmed desire. Now that the dam has burst, he finds himself wanting all sorts of filthy things, most urgently for Wei Wuxian's spend to mix with his own on his skin.

He tries to focus on the kiss. Tries to make Wei Wuxian make that sound again.

Wei Wuxian is losing the struggle not to rut against Lan Wangji's hip. This all started because he was already going out of his mind, and now that the barrier between them has crumbled, what he has wanted hopelessly and what he needs immediately have become the same thing.

"Lan Zhan," he pants against his open mouth, "I...I need. Can I—"

Lan Wangji's fingers dig into his arms. "Yes." His voice is low and shredded. It's so hot Wei Wuxian is surprised he doesn't just come from the sound. "Please."

"Oh, fuck," Wei Wuxian mumbles, and fumbles his trousers down.

He gets a hand around himself—the same hand, still wet, and fuck, oh fuck—but Lan Wangji puts an arm around him and pulls him close, against his side. He sees, out of the corner of his eye, that Lan Wangji is—he's still—

They lock eyes. Wei Wuxian swallows hard. "Do you...do you still need..."

Lan Wangji blinks rapidly, then nods mutely.

He does not actually know. He has no idea what he needs, other than to see what Wei Wuxian might do next.

What he does is push himself up, thighs astride Lan Wangji's hips.

Lan Wangji is not prepared for it. All his breath leaves him once more.

"Is this—too much?" Wei Wuxian asks, leaning over him, breathing hard, pink with his own flush.

Lan Wangji tries not to do anything too extreme, like gripping Wei Wuxian's bare, muscled thighs with both hands.

"It is not," he manages roughly.

Wei Wuxian grinds down against him, and his curse is drowned out by Lan Wangji's sudden, anguished oh.

"Is it—Lan Zhan—is it—"

Lan Wangji's hands are fisted tightly in the bedding, his eyes squeezed shut and turned away. The pale column of his throat is exposed, tense and lovely.

"Please," he breathes.

"Oh, Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian chides softly, an odd pang in his chest. "It's alright."

He brushes damp hair from Lan Wangji's face, careful not to touch his ribbon. He leans down close and kisses the corner of his mouth. He's so perfect. Wei Wuxian hates to see him seem so conflicted about something so good.

"You can let go," he says again. He doesn't know how to make him understand. "With me, you can, if you want to. I want you to. I really...if you need—whatever you want. I'm here."

As he speaks, he can't seem to stop his hips from moving, little catches of almost-friction between their cocks making Lan Wangji's breath hitch beneath him.

He doesn't know what he's doing. He could be ruining everything. But he can't stop. He's never been this close to anyone, or wanted anyone this much. And it's not anyone, it's Lan Zhan. He wants him. He wants to make him feel good. He wants to be the person to do that. Preferably forever, but he'll take just this for as long as he can have it.

He kisses Lan Wangji's jaw, his perfect throat.

"Is this good? Do you want it?" He has to ask.

"Yes."

Breathless, the both of them undone. He kisses farther down.

"Do you...do you want to touch me too?" He tries not to sound too hopeful.

A pause, then the hoarse reply. "Yes."

"Then touch me."

Another pause. Hesitant fingertips at his knee, sliding upward. The barest touch of a palm on his thigh. He places his own hand over it and presses it down.

"Hold on," he says.

Then he thrusts against him and bites down gently at the same time.

Lan Wangji grips him hard and gasps, chest heaving against Wei Wuxian's.

"Yeah," Wei Wuxian goads, thrusting again. It feels so good. It feels better than anything he's imagined. "Yeah, like this, Lan Zhan, oh fuck."

It's incredible, and yet he needs more. He does his best to line them up and take them both in hand, but his hand is only so big, and between the two of them he's pleased to say neither of them would be considered small. He tries though, and it's almost perfect. Lan Wangji beneath him, writhing and panting, his helpless little noises and upward thrusts. The slick drag between them as he holds them together. He knows he's not going to last, but he almost doesn't care. The best part is watching him.

Lan Wangji is coming apart. He is reduced to sensation, overcome entirely by the sharpness, the omnipresence of pleasure. The only thing anchoring him to the world is Wei Wuxian's soft voice in his ear, Wei Wuxian's hands on his body. He has no idea if a second release is possible, but for now he is blissfully, mindlessly tossed in the ceaseless current.

He is aware of Wei Wuxian taking his hand and moving it, and then the hot, slick mess of them pressed together in his hand.

"Ah," Wei Wuxian pants against him. "That's—good. Together, like this—oh, fuck, Lan Zhan, your hand is—I—"

He groans right under Lan Wangji's ear, and it's so obscene, so honest, that Lan Wangji's climax drags him under with no warning. It feels like every vein, every nerve bursting, filling his limbs, his mind, his mouth with something bittersweet. Like something breaking in him beyond repair.

Lan Wangji moans, long and low and pleading, as he comes. The sound, the sight, the tightening of his hand around them, are all too much. It sends Wei Wuxian over the edge after him, jolting and groaning. He looks down to watch, awed where he might've thought he should be disgusted. In the height of it, he wants to smear his hands through their spend on Lan Wangji's perfect skin, to paint their names in it.

He doesn't do that. This has already pushed through too many boundaries. He collapses into the mess instead, an unsubtle compromise, and then finds himself too weak to move.

When the euphoria fades, it hits him. What they've just done. What he's done, really. Mad with want and lacking any impulse control whatsoever, he may have just done what demonic cultivation and 16 years of absence couldn't manage. He may have just driven Lan Wangji out of his life for good. He...he thinks, probably, the effect won't be quite that drastic. But he's suddenly afraid it could be.

Lan Wangji comes back to himself warm and pleasantly weighed down. Slowly, as his breathing evens out, the comfort bleeds out of him leaving only exhaustion and nerves.

He is not sure how much he has given away, in this. How much of what he has just done can be excused. He tries to still the tremors that are still pulsing through his muscles. Tries to regain his footing, to think. It is nearly impossible with Wei Wuxian still draped over him, boneless and pliant. But he would not trade it away, not a single moment of it.

Eventually, unfortunately, Wei Wuxian lifts up and off. Lan Wangji feels a moment of stark, certain grief, and turns away from him.

"We should clean up," Wei Wuxian says quietly.

Lan Wangji nods. They should. There is...much to clean.

A hand grasps his arm, sudden and solid.

"Lan Zhan, we're okay, right? I didn't. I didn't...this wasn't wrong."

Lan Wangji shakes his head. It was far from wrong.

"Okay...okay. Then, are you okay?"

Lan Wangji does not want to lie. It is a difficult question. It is possible he is alright. He simply does not know.

"Did you know?" Lan Wangji asks suddenly, without premeditation of any sort. 

He wishes he could shove the words back into his mouth. But he cannot help but wonder. How much of this was...a knowing kindness? How much of this was pity, born of his own horribly obvious desires?

"Know what?"

Lan Wangji takes a breath. As much as he wishes he could, he does not think he could go back. Back to before he had this, knew this, felt this.

"That I wanted you."

There is a stunned silence. The hand on his arm tightens painfully.

"No," Wei Wuxian says. "You—how long?"

Lan Wangji shakes his head. That, he is not sure he can make himself say.

"Did...did you know?"

"Know?" Lan Wangji repeats, confused. Of course he knew his own desires, as unfortunate as they were.

"That I wanted you."

The silence then is suspended. The moment before a fall. Lan Wangji turns.

"You what?"

Wei Wuxian blinks at him. He really is an unparalleled mess. Lan Wangji aches with how much he loves him.

"Lan Zhan," he says, covering sheepishness with a reprimanding tone. "You didn't really think you were the only one, after that?"

Lan Wangji feels as if he is making rather a habit of complete and utter breathlessness. He stares at him, at the earnestly hopeful look in Wei Wuxian's eyes.

"I did not know."

"Well," Wei Wuxian says. "You do now. In case...in case that matters."

Lan Wangji does not know what is happening inside him, but it is riotous. He shoves it down, out of the way. This is something, but it is not...he cannot. He has lied by omission, he feels, too much now. He cannot continue.

"Then you should know," he says, measured as he can, "that what I feel is more than wanting." Wei Wuxian continues to stare at him. Lan Wangji has to look away. "In case that matters."

"It matters," Wei Wuxian says, a thin croak. "It—Lan Zhan, how much more, exactly, could you be, ah, specific? Because I don't want to say the wrong thing, but—"

Lan Wangji cannot bear to speak of it anymore. He unties his ribbon and lays it across Wei Wuxian's palm, at which point Wei Wuxian stops speaking and stares at it, instead of him, for a long moment.

"Lan Zhan..."

Lan Wangji's heart is heavy even as anxiety sparks through his overtired veins. But then, suddenly, he is horizontal again, and there is a riot of a different sort, of heat and limbs and lips, and he is being kissed all over his face.

"How long?" Wei Wuxian is saying again, between sweet pecks and lingering presses. "You wouldn't say. How long?"

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Wuxian can tell Lan Wangji hasn't yet caught up, and it's adorable and sad at the same time. He takes pity.

"I'll go first. I think I've probably loved you since forever, but I didn't know until, well, until I thought I'd lost you, back then. How stupid is that? Now you. Tell me how stupid we both are, how long we could have been doing this."

Lan Wangji is staring at him with unadulterated awe. It's cute, but it also makes Wei Wuxian feel squirmy and uncomfortable. He kisses him again, deep and slow, a new way they haven't tried. It's extremely good.

He manages to tear himself away. "Tell me or I'll stop kissing you," he says. He doesn't even know if it's a good threat. He hopes it is. It'd get him to speak if their places were reversed.

"Always," Lan Wangji breathes, still awed, still wide-eyed and sweet. It gives Wei Wuxian pause.

Lan Wangji sees him looking back through his spotty memories, trying to fit this information into them. He feels a stab of regret that he never made it clear before now. He resolves to make it abundantly clear every moment from here on out. He surges up to kiss those memories away.

It takes a long, long time before they clean up and do anything else.

In the future, Lan Wangji still doesn't make a habit of engaging in self-pleasure. He doesn't have to. Except, of course, when Wei Wuxian realizes he's rather sad he missed out on watching.

~The End~

If you enjoyed this, you can keep up with new threads as they happen on my twitter. If you want to see me in Real Writing Mode, check out my works on ao3!

[imgoingtocrash]

Made of Iron, Born of Fire: The Fanmix 

by @imgoingtocrash

Listen on Spotify and 8tracks

Read the series on Ao3

AKA: A labor of love for @savvysass’s birthday!!!!

What can I say that hasn’t already been said because we’re both incredibly sappy people in our Author’s Notes? Writing this series with you has brought me so much joy in the last two years, and I never could have hit over 100k words without you. Here’s to whatever we write next in the series...and all of the WIPs we’re working on right now...and only god knows what’s next for us personally and professionally...and most importantly, to you on your Birthday. Thank you for being such a good friend, in both fandom and outside of it. I’m so, so thankful to know you and love you. 🥰

Director’s Cut Below, because we all know I love talking about this series, and yes, that does extend to why I picked these songs. (And also maybe because these song choices only make sense in my brain and hopefully Savannah’s?? Who knows! Feel free to ask questions if you want but let’s be honest this series and fanmix are most importantly for us, because we love the series so dang much.)

My Wildest Dreams by Ron Pope

I spoke in riddles and in rhymes, but my time with you has taught me to simplify, you’re not quite what I pictured you would be, you’re better than my wildest dreams.

We’ve talked about this one before, and I’LL TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!!!! Ron Pope is so good imo, and this song wowowow the father-child feels, but especially with Tony and newborn Peter a la A Foreign Feeling and A First Time For Everything.

Big & Scared by Raleigh Ritchie

I want to be better for you, let me do that now, you’re my favorite human, so you should be prepared, I’ll help you get through it, when you’re big and scared

We’ve mentioned Tony’s thoughts about legacy multiple times by now, and I think this song really represents Tony looking forward to the person Peter could be become and that “breaking the cycle” mentality of supporting Peter even when he’s not a perfect father.

Legacy of Sadness by Ron Pope

irrational as it may seem I guess I’m sorry, even though I know that none of it’s my fault, it is easier for me to count my blessings, than to cry for every single thing we’ve lost

I have 0 shame putting these two songs by Ron Pope almost back to back because they’re the opening and closing of an album dedicated to his child like...it’s so perfect for Tony and this theme of reflection on who he is and who Peter will become/is becoming and all that entails.

this is me trying by Taylor Swift

They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I have a lot of regrets about that

I wrote something...very sad but also soft recently??? and this is for That it’s about pre-CW Pepperony being separated and the road to them trying to come back together including Tony working on himself and I love it!!! It hurts really good!!! This whole song is perfect for it and I can’t wait until people get to read it.

Be Good When I’m Gone by Four Year Strong

I'm sorry I can't stop to listen, but I've got so much to do and I've got some place to be, the house looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I hope it stays that way

Tony being a busy parent but doing his best to make time for Peter in his life and making that time count has been something super important to illustrate to us, especially the transition from being a CEO to being a superhero and how that changes how Peter sees Tony’s absence over time.

I Won’t Back Down by Johnnyswim, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and Penny and Sparrow

Tony puts on the original version by Tom Petty in Home Is Where The Heart Is, but I think this cover has a very slow, emotional undertone that’s really great too. The interludes, if you didn’t catch it, have all been featured in a fic previously.

Let It Matter by Johnnyswim

So if it matters let it matter, if your heart's breaking let it ache, catch those pieces as they scatter, know your hurt is not in vain

Pepper in Never Tell Me The Odds ALL DAYYYYY. She’s the emotional rock of that fic (and of our Ironfam TBH) and it’s all because she allows herself to feel her feelings and encourages the Stark boys to do so as well.

Simmer - Acoustic by Hayley Williams

And if my child, needed protection, from a fucker like that man, I’d sooner gut him, cause nothing cuts like a mother

Post-Home Is Where The Heart Is...y’all know Pepper’s not that mad about what happened to Obie. Also just Pepper when someone hurts her family?? I always write it as her sort of putting all of her emotion into something she can control and doing it well, so, this song is all about that.

Tightrope by Nia Hendricks

one step after another, keep holding on to each other, don’t look back, move on and let go, that’s how you walk on a tightrope

Pepperony trying to navigate their relationship and the insanity of superhero stuff and also co-parenting. It’s all excellent, I love them so much, I enjoy writing it so much!!!!

Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan

Never got the chance, to say a last goodbye, I gotta move on, but it hurts to try, how do I love, how do I love again?

This song is tilted towards romance, but if you’ll remember, we’re a Pro-Tony Survives Endgame AU series, so it’s not about THAT...but well...Infinity War sure will hit something fierce for certain non-romantic relationships in this series, huh?

The Bones by Maren Morris

Call it dumb luck, but baby, you and I, can't even mess it up, although we both try, no, it don't always go the way we planned it, but the wolves came and went and we're still standing

Post-Endgame Ironfam!!! Tony and Pepper married with their kids, their family and HAPPY...THIS IS WHY WE DO ALL OF THE ANGST...FOR A FAMILY...WE LOVE THEM

Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas

Considered Pepper and Peter’s ‘song’, as it’s referenced multiple times in the series, and was one of the bigger solidifying moments of their mother-son relationship as a whole.

Mundane by Hardcastle

And I’ve been sinking into silence, dwelling on my thoughts, and in these months, I haven’t felt that most conversations have left me anything but blue

Peter’s selective mutism was something very special to us when we originally had the idea, and making sure we talk about it and utilize it in the right way is something we’re still working on, particularly with the Therapy Fic we’re brainstorming atm.

survivin’ (One Eyed Jack’s Session) by Bastille

What can I say? I'm survivin', crawling out these sheets to see another day, what can I say? I'm survivin', and I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I think I'll be fine

Spoiler Alert: Peter’s not fine, like, a decent amount of the time. But he’s sure trying, and we love him for that.

Jacob from the Bible by Jake Wesley Rogers

Mama, don't worry, it took me years, to say I'm sorry, to see your tears, Mama, forgive me, I grew up too fast, but it's not on you, it's in the past

Mostly part of Peter growing up to become a hero and realizing what his parents--particularly Pepper--have gone through for him to become the person he is today, but that sometimes he still doesn’t feel like he’s making them proud enough.

Compassion Is a German Word by To Kill A King

Don't be so arrogant, you ain't no different to anyone I've met, we're all the heroes in our own film, or maybe the villain in someone else's

Spider-Man being an excellent superhero boi!!! Being kind and good!!! We love it!! Also, I put a TKAK song on...a LOT of my playlists, because I think they’re great.

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo

And I'm so sick of seventeen, where's my fucking teenage dream?, if someone tells me one more time, "Enjoy your youth", I'm gonna cry

I mean...this song is such a Teenage Mood...I had to do it...

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning by Frank Sinatra

So, I had this cute little scene in my head that went with this song for SO LONG but there wasn’t really anything for it to fit into so...yeah that’s part 2 of Savannah’s Birthday Gift, a little soft Baby Peter drabble. Fluffy Goop from top to bottom. That can be read here.

Home by Phillip Phillips

Just know you're not alone, 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

...I know it’s not original, okay? It’s found family, it’s great, I don’t care!

Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

And this part was for her, and this part was for her, this part was for her, does she remember?

This song is good family angst in general BUT these specific lyrics made me think of Mary and that they never forget her in their lives despite the other stuff going on (because we refuse to let them).

I Have Made Mistakes by The Oh Hellos

I have made mistakes, I continue to make them, the promises I've made, I continue to break them, and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them, but nothing is a waste if you learn from it

No one in the Ironfam is perfect, but they all do their best to try and grow even when they’re scared they’ll never be able to. The ups and downs are all par for the course of this series to us.

Easy Days - Demo by Bastille

Cause I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days, everything was so simple then, little fires burned away

Strife is a part of life, and the family in this fic growing through their loss and struggles and moving ahead as a unit to get to a better place is super central to making the fic what it is...but it’s easy for them to remember the old days before being superheroes and wishing it was simple again.

North by Sleeping At Last

Let the years we’re here be kind, be kind, let our hearts like doors open wide, open wide, settle our bones like wood over time, over time, give us bread, give us salt, give us wine

The way Tony went from feeling so alone to having an entire built family that’s so full of love and everything he never dreamed of...*screams into my pillow* I love this series so much thank you and good night!!!

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Croatia brings no men in a hamster wheel to Rotterdam 2021

Now could this be the teddy bear uprising invasion Muse has warned us about 12 years ago?

And LITERALLY, these review series make me feel like Croatia is openly taunting me - I watch the days go, I’m losing track of time, and when another day comes, I’m screaming “oh no I forgot to publish a review sooner than wanted!!”. Guess I’m for one glad there’s a time related song this year, hum?

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

Repping the Adriatic coast nation that got all the sea instead of Bosnia & Herzegovina is some 22 year old Albina Grčić, who first popped up on X Factor Adria back when that was a thing, and got lumped into a girlgroup in later stages, but to that she said “hvala ne” and moved on with her life, getting eliminated just like that. Queen <3 She did get her second chance to compete as a soloist and make a more prominent mark on her career when she ended up on The Voice in Croatia. She did well, placing third overall in the season, but somehow, during the duel stage, her coach initially favoured her fellow Dora 2021 contestant Filip Rudan:

Her Voice success landed her a record deal with the Croatian division of Universal Music, she released a debut single, sometime later ended up on Dora, and here she is now, on Eurovision.

“Tick-Tock” is the song, a standard upbeat pop song, and one of the ones that talks about a girl leaving a terrible relationship and being so well over it that she “found [her]self and [she’s] finally free”, and the “tick-tock” here is used to represent the time passing by, not the sound of her heart, unlike a fellow ESC entry of a similar title. The tune (or its lyrics only) is co-authored by some dude you might’ve heard of from France’s 2018 preselection Destination Eurovision, and that is Max Cinnamon - some half-English guy with a half English song about love (”Ailleurs”) that did moderately averagely in the final... I don’t even know if his influence shows, I just love how 2021 has sort of become revenge of the NF flops but they’re writing other entries instead (Suzi P, “Adrenalina”).

REVIEW

I often don’t really fully vibe with female bops in Eurovision as much as I want to, like, for the most part they’re overhyped, and I let the “yass queeeeen” audience gorge on the everything their favourite bops give them. But this year there are plenty of great ones to choose from, as I think that it’s safe to say that most, if not all, are tucked in somewhere inside my top 20, top 25 at the very minimum. Croatia managed to even do the impossible and land into my top 10.

Why?

Well, the answer is that the song is just so damn good.

I mean, what’s NOT to like about it? It’s a catchy and upbeat song that incorporates xylophones (or whatever is it that sounds like them), guitars and synths; has a good bassline in the chorus; and it’s just... a very good composition overall, like, all the instruments in it are just in their right place and uplift the song massively. I also like Albina’s performance on it, both live and studio, it clearly shows that she’s a very good singer (also shown on her cover of the scandalous Oscar award snubbery “Husavik”). Sounds like a song a common pop loving Eurofan could gear themselves towards. Besides, it also has possibly my favourite pre-chorus section of the 2021 year? Oh wait, there’s also Switzerland, scratch that. “Tick-Tock” has one of my favourite pre-chorus sections of 2021. It builds up so well instrumentally and the way Albina sings it is even better. I obviously like to believe Albina heard those voices from far away that helped her to escape, has found herself, and she’s finally free from her “partner’s” bad lovin’ and restraint. Yas queen go be free you didn’t deserve his tomfoolery anyway!  👏 (Also I admire a section that’s not quite the pre-chorus but is still before the 1st chorus, the one that goes “If you pull me down then I'll come around” - literally just a lot of the parts of the song are full of nice vocal performance and I don’t regret ranking this in my top 10 not a second.)

If it has any drawbacks, it’s just that it gets a tad too repetitive after the halfway mark... like, the pre-chorus before the second chorus is the one to be repeated once again, and no new verse, nothing - but it does launch itself into something extraordinary, and that is a chorus in Croatian, which I assume she would perform in Eurovision because there’s no Eurovision version on the song promo bundle, I suppose. Comparatively the Croatian chorus is not as complex in lyrics as the English language one, and flows slightly differently too. But the song still has a long chorus by the end, and song with too many choruses is never a good sign for those that look for a song that’s constructed well, but I guess it’s a good factor for those that value the song’s catchiness. I guess that’s what one of the two Eurovision 2005 hosts valued the most when writing the Ukrainian 2006 entry “Show Me Your Love”, which if you ask me, is straight up 75% chorus, lol.

So yeah my verdict is that almost everything about this song, I like. I’m just a little devastated that in a usually very easily gorged on category of female bops, this just tends to lag behind in love, like a fellow song I really like this year, Israel. Instead people tend to prioritize Cyprus (which I get because they’ve established themselves as a girlbanger nation since Fuego swept Eurovision) and... probably even Azerbaijan? (which I might also get because Eurovision rarely has this thing called an ethnobop anymore, and it has more ethno than “Cleopatra” did, but still unnecessarily underwhelming lol.) Well then, in a year of female bangers, I would just like Croatia to not be swept under the rug come semis I guess. Yeah “Tick-Tock” may not sound like it brings something totally never seen before in a Eurovision environment (foreign language lyrics, themes about a break up, hell even her dancers looked like they were wearing the same hats as Tamta’s dancers), but you got to have a lot in you to sell a worn out idea to the new heights, and Albina does exactly that in my eyes.

Approval factor: Yeah! There is a lot of it in here for me. Follow-up factor: A great follow-up, not so great in regards to panini but musically it’s just going up and up from what we had in the past few years. I’ve actually not minded “The Dream” for the most part but I knew it was a chanceless plodding ballad and Roko harboured heaps of wasted potential working with Jacques Houdek and having wings as part of his performance, uff. *_* And then there’s “Divlji vjetre” which I also like a lot - a much better male ballad winner choice! If the Dora re-up winners keep being decent imo just like this, I have a feeling I will follow it a lot more often than I did just this one time this year. I am just saying that panini-wise, it was a sucky move from HRT for not allowing their last year’s winner promote his new song with Tijana (from Serbia 2017) on the Dora night, so we sadly only heard a pre-recorded opening version of “Divlji vjetre” to start off with :( Otherwise I think it’s not Dora’s fault in itself that Damir himself chose not to even submit an entry this year because he hadn’t found a good one - much like with Diodato for Sanremo (he was NOT rejected, if you think he still was, shush). But aside that, musically, it just keeps going up for me. Well done Croatia, for you’ve used to be a Eurovision country I don’t necessarily care about, that you brought two pretty damn good entries in a row. Qualification factor: I can absolutely trust in Albina bringing in a little bit of her charisma and well-likedness, and on top of that, a great vocal performance, in Rotterdam. Don’t ask me why, I just do. She doesn’t really perform her song live on pre-parties as much as I’d like to hope she would, but you heard girlie on the national selection, she didn’t win for nothing. Yeah yeah there might as well be female uptempo songs hungrier for the last spot, but I’d like to think Albina is one of the ones ready to devour than to be devoured. Go girl! Take us all dancing!

NF CORNER

To be honest with you, “Tick-Tock” winning Dora caught me by surprise. Ever since its re-up, the last two editions were kind of won by male ballads, and maaaaybe the dancey females were doing moderately well enough for themselves, but not overall? But look, juries were very keen on Albina, probably because she can SANG and she creates one hell of a fancy presence on her performance. And somehow she ended up snatching a win out of the hands of 5G conspiracy theorist 2016 representative Nina Kraljić, who was at first too drunk to care, but too unexpectedly sober to yell all over the soc. media how she was robbed and how the contest was rigged against her with her being on first and all that. Which is a shame that she is one of THOSE people, because her NF entry “Rijeka” is kinda nice? We did have the Balkan-esque ballads coming from Croatia in recent memory, but we haven’t had a truly proudly folksy one at that from Croatia for a long while, if not ever. Nina could’ve very well brought that to Rotterdam (and another mismatched wardrobe choice oops). But instead she was the one screaming “oh no, oh no, oh no”.

Actually I regarded Nina as one of my faves pre-show, and Albina was on her way, though she didn’t really cement the personal fav status until after all performances, thus making Nina and Albina switch spots for me. But truly, the one song that was my top favourite, iiiiiiiiiiis

GIMME AN OCEAN! OF LOVE!

2021 made me realize that damn, maybe anything that’s funky is my favourite music genre afterall. Up until then I vibed with entries like “Tonight Again” and “What’s the Pressure?” that had this sort of energetic flair and very rhythmic kinda sound to it, but 2021 just simply cemented it to me that my music world has probably been about nice and smooth and funky all along. I owe so much gratitude to ToMa first and foremost along the lines of more to have come in this year’s lineups - I just can’t not want to dance to “Ocean of Love”, and ToMa is quite alright at selling it live as well. There are small gripes with some instrument usages but that doesn’t detract from the fact that I love love LOVE funky guitar tunes.

Aside from that, I can give shout outs to Beta Sudar, whose song not only was underrated, but also had an underrated meme format throughout its performance:

My other props go to Bernarda, who not only competed in a national selection singing a song about seeing “Colors” while blind (and ironically there was a song called “Blind” in that same NF sung by a well-seeing guy!!), but also for finally putting this every country’s reject to rest. Seriously. That particular song was passed on to everyone in need of a competitive Eurovision bop, from Poli Genova to Helena Paparizou as of recently. Oh well, at least the song died a honourable death - well performed slice of good typical Eurovision pop (maybe even overperformed a little towards the end), that got a good rank with the regional juries, but somewhat murdered in televote, fellow Boris Milanov composition “Chameleon” style.

This one Mia Negovetić chick was promising too! Her song was written by the Debs and you might be tired of them trying to continue infiltrating Eurovision at this point, but a lot of their Eurovision songs are usually something I enjoy, “She’s Like a Dream” is no exception. Nothing but 3 minutes of pastel-dressed Croatian Ariana Grande doing what she does best <3

Oh and also some dudes tried to play chess on stage too I guess. But their song is not worth looking into, because one of the acts on it is apparently also a conspiracist, and maybe because oft this their entry is aptly titled “Sing, for the freedom has arrived!” lol I wonder what exactly is the kind of freedom you’re thinking of my guy

Was this the “better mood game” Laura was warning everyone about? Beats me

NF CORNER (NON-COMPETITIVE)

• It’s still hilarious to me as to how one of the acts this year, Brigita Vuco, was planning to bring in backing dancers, only for them to show a fake COVID test or something and outright BARRED from coming with her on stage. <3 Whatever she intended to do with them dancers, I have absolutely no idea, but at least she committed to her song being about drunken nights visually by having all these blurry shots

• Nina Kraljić’s greenroom shenanigans, from the “1-2-3, 1-2-3, drink” to numb the sadness over some results (and the 8 she got from the region Rijeka for the song “Rijeka” lmao), to whatever she saw on the phone that made her smile or go neutral

• Greenroom reactions in general. I swear, this year had cameramen in every single corner everywhere just to make sure something covers up for a human audience instead of severals of Zoom screens permitted to act as an audience. Random people in greenrooms were doing some sort of emotions after random acts, and also randomly they ended up pointing a camera towards an act that lost, but the act didn’t treat losing as if it were such a big deal <3

• All the other memes the Croatian Twitter might’ve noticed me for:

seriously Bernarda was locked in a bluelight mathematical dice contraption. how fucking cool is that

ANY LAST WORDS?

I just fucking hope that Albina shatters any doubts that people have had about her song come rehearsals, and somehow Croatia AND Israel slip through, because never too many female bangers I appreciate in the final, if they all are the bangers I appreciate, lol.

[veilder]

Tagged by @monchikyun. Thank you!

Rules: Tag however many people you want to know better/catch up with and then answer these questions

THREE SHIPS:

Convin (Connor/Gavin) - Anyone who knows me at all know that I absolutely adore Convin. They are absolutely my favorite sort of ship and they’re so dang versatile! You want enemies to lovers? Gotcha covered. You want snark and sass? Buckle up, babe. You want dynamic character growth, both as a unit and on their own? You’re in for a wild ride. Do you want two people with wildly different backgrounds coming together to learn they’re not so different after all? Man oh man, I got a treat for ya! I just... They are so wonderful in the lessons they can teach and in the intimacy they can portray. (And while the above describes my favorite variance of their dynamic, you can definitely find different iterations out there. Anyone who thinks this ship has no bite needs to reconsider, lol. Connor is canonically a ruthless killing machine and a dork who loves dogs. He definitely can hold his own against even Gavin at his worst.) But it comes down to growth for me. Both of them learning to become better people as they go along. They are very dear to me.

North60 (North x RK800-60) - Yeah, this is a weird rarepair. What of it? They’re actually amazing and I’ll explain why. Now, I know people’s interpretation of Sixty can change a lot. Heck, even I twist his motivations around sometimes when the plot requires it. But no matter how you look at it, Sixty didn’t really have... a good introduction to deviancy. Heck, considering I headcanon him as deviating only miliseconds before Hank’s bullet impacts him, I’d say that’s quite the understatement. Which is where North comes in. North, who understands both the regret of past actions and simultaneously the rage at her creators for how she was programmed. Who’s nurtured her anger--thrived in it--almost since the nascence of her deviancy. Who knows what it is to give into her negative feelings but then (with help) has managed to rise above them towards a better end. She’s lived through these same feelings Sixty is experiencing. Different circumstances, yes. But the same emotions. And I feel like, of anyone in the game, she could really understand him and the things he struggles with. She could help him, like Jericho helped her. She could be someone who doesn’t outright condemn his outbursts but instead allows him to vent his tangled feelings, to hit things, to spar with her when it gets to be too much. Because she knows what it’s like, keeping all that inside, and she doesn’t want that for him. And I think, slowly but surely, Sixty would begin to trust her. Even when everyone else in the world has betrayed him or left him for dead, here is one person who cares. And I think that would mean the world to him. I just... I see their relationship as a very healing one. One that would be good for both of them due to how well they’d get along and understand each other, even without words. They could both be what each other needs without any shame between them. And rA9 help anyone who stands in the way of both of them, omg. #PowerCouple

Anderstern (Hank x Amanda) - ...Yes, hello, it’s me again with another rarepair. But look, this has a lot of potential, just hear me out. Okay, so, what’s also probably obvious to everyone who knows me is that I 100% headcanon Hank and Connor in a familial relationship. I am so here for fics that focus on their bond and help it to grow and get them to the point where they can unshakingly call each other family. Everyone also probably knows that I adore redemption stories. And I could write a whole essay on Amanda and why I love her and her potential, but this is already so long, omg. (I’m sorry!) But suffice to say that I feel she definitely has the potential to deviate, too, especially after the good ending of the game. Do you see where I’m going with this, lol? On one side, a man who used to hate him, who was gruff and uncouth and blamed androids for his loss and even took it out on Connor, but he changed and grew and became someone Connor loves. And on the other side, an AI who spent Connor’s formative moments as a teacher and a guide, who is imo the closest thing to a mother he’s ever known, who was forced by her programming to manipulate him and chide him and threaten him until even more drastic measures were taken and she tried to take over him completely. But now with deviancy behind her, she could be someone who can change and grow beyond what she was designed to be. Who might be able to embrace the role of teacher and guide without her programming forcing her into circumstances that put her and Connor at odds.  Now, take these two flawed individuals, two people who care for Connor (and perhaps Sixty and Nines, too, if they’re around) a great amount and want to do better by him, the two people who are the closest things to parents he’s ever known-- Take these two people and force them to collaborate. To work together. To co-parent. And then perhaps... learn to care for each other, too? I am in love with the idea of this, for real. And I deeply regret not writing them more at this point. They deserve it. I definitely have ideas for them, lol. (Stay tuned!)

LAST SONGS LISTENED TO:

here comes the sun - bill wurtz (Hecc yeah!! I heckin love this dude and his weird-ass music, omg. New song just came out!!!)

Lost in Thoughts All Alone (flute cover) - skytywong (An absolutely beautiful rendition of this song, omg. This vid does not have enough views.)

Thunder & Lightning - NSP (I have this CD on in my car right now, lol. Heard this on my way home from work. It actually rocks, even if it’s absurd to the extreme. XD)

CURRENTLY WATCHING:

Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu - It’s been like a literal decade since I watched FMP but I remember loving it so much as a teen. So I decided to rewatch it lately and-- Still awesome, lol. I’m currently halfway through Fumoffu and then I’m watching The Second Raid. And then--! And then--!! THEY MADE A NEW SEASON FOR IT!! LIKE TWO YEARS AGO!! AH, I HAVE NEW CONTENT TO LOOK FORWARD TO!!!!

CURRENTLY READING:

Lol, fanfic as usual. XD Been really digging Amidst a Crash of Worlds by fireplanetz, a post-canon war story told entirely through letters between Connor and Gavin as they’re separated by the conflict. It’s... very good. Has had me all emotional more than once. And I really dig the format.

HOW’S IT GOING?

It’s going, lol! Nah, but I’m doing okay. I’ve just gone back to work after a very lengthy furlough period and I am definitely feeling it, omg. (I do an outdoor, physical labor job, omg.) I’m sore all over from using muscles that I haven’t in months. But it feels good at the same time! I’m glad to be back out there interacting with my co-workers and getting off my ass, lol! Hopefully, I can get back into some sort of shape before business picks back up again. XD

Tagging: @shootmewithasilverbullet @anchorsoutatsea @nohrianxscum @aureolite @sharysisnhmoonshadow and whoever else would like to do this! ^_^

[potatoesandsunshine]

what are your favorite shield of tomorrow moments?

anon thank you,,, i could talk about this show all day

- I Remember is one of the best series of episodes for anything ever; they let you in immediately on the internal lives of these characters. it’s the second arc of the campaign and the show really says “here’s a core experience about what it means to be each of these people, here are some of their motivations and here are some of their shameful moments” which is just such a way in for the audience. anyway specifically t’lan and sh’shirros in I Remember Part 2 changed everything and led to the first use of the EMH and i love the EMH so much...

- i love all the npcs but zazrit is really That NPC for me... anytime he shows up it’s like Oh No, Will Captain Martinez Face A Moral Dillemma~ whatever is he to do~ but more seriously eric does an incredible job challenging the players on this show and zazrit defies boundaries. Out of Bounds really does it for me.

- “you’re about to die, junil” in Scarecrow is Everything. the dryden & junil stuff is some of the most compelling stuff in the show but the idea of him just appearing in the corner of their vision to say “everyone here is about to die” was extremely memorable. fully makes sense that after that they decided he was worth trusting, even better that he immediately peaced out and left them holding the bag.

- the chase scene with lark and sh’shirros and tolos in Hard Six is just... the most cinematic thing. the intensity of it. the way they’re all trapped in this submerged geothermal facility with the emergency lights blaring, knowing it’s one bad move from coming apart around them. the way that you know if the romulans catch up they are Going To Die, but lark and sh’shirros aren’t runners... the tension... (this is also where i got really into sh’shirros/tolos which i do not regret, it was the ship of ships. sh’shirros/tolos/rue is the ot3 of the show and i love them sm)

- i forget what episode it happened in but when zhiv let lark know that he knew that she was unhappy i just about died. that scene cemented my love for zhiv, who i was already a really big fan of. he’s just. he Really Does Care. zhiv & mala is the brotp.

- martinez’s value challenge in Battle at Kuviam Prime, need i say more.

- biased bc i just reached it in my rewatch but the entirety of Shore Leave At Last. that two-parter had Everything. ships becoming canon. drunk!mala and lark. mala backstory. borg. scotty was there. martinez being martinez. t’lan apologizing about blushing. the turbolift scene. the absolutely terrifying way everything falls together at the end, leading to The best cliffhanger in the show imo. watching it when you know what happens at the end of part two gives it such a sense of building momentum and it’s so good to watch t’lan and martinez and rue and sh’shirros play off of each other in the more confined spaces. it was almost a callback to the regula arc, but t’lan wasn’t stuck on the ship. you really see everyone sharpened to knives.

- i’m about to reach Strange Friends which i remember being The Best Rue Episodes in a series with tons of fantastic rue moments, i love the commander with all my heart, and i’m excited!!!! to see them going rogue. i think that’s where sam takes off their uniform jacket and says “i’m on shore leave” which was like. oof. ugh i love narendra station. junil rue i have feelings for you.

anyway, shield of tomorrow is a fantastic show!! if you like star trek a lot you’ll probably enjoy it bc the people that made it do, and if you’re not as familiar with everything (my own history with trek is very spotty and weird) it’s still One Of The Great Actual Play Shows Of Our Time.

[thessaliah]

Understanding Beast VII: Olgamarie’s and her family’s Sin in FGO

Note this is speculation meta which might or might not get jossed in the future, or change when I go through another branch. It's to explore what's said in the game, adaptation and other related (Nasu approved) material to speculate the themes of part 2. Working with contrasts with previous plot relevant Beasts, setting aside Tiamat animated parallel (which could get for Beast I in the future when Solomon temple is out as well), Goetia works the best because of the origins:

King Hassan (in disguise) warns in Babylonia through flowery language warns of two evils in particular. One is pity (or compassion), and another, the complementary one, shame (or regret). Beast VII sin hasn't been assigned, however it's very likely it'll be this one. I think I've covered up since the beginning of Lostbelt my suspicion Beast VII was the culprit because this sin was particularly fitting with Lostbelts and Crypters.

Beast I and Beast VII have some sort of connection, to each other. Holmes call Beast I attack the present from the past, while Beast VII from the future. It's the destruction of the past, the end of the future which somehow provokes this.

The Time Temple is compared by Da Vinci with Chaldeas, both as conceptual replicas of something on a smaller scale. Chaldeas is probably connected to Beast VII and the bleaching because it was made to observe the future, 100 years to be precise.

Now, talking about sins seems excessive, but I'm just using some contextual language since we speak of Beasts. Evils of Humanity. Beings who bear their fangs against the Human Order of the present to safeguard the Human Order. Well, of course, we're talking about the more plot-relevant ones and we can ignore Kiara or Kama for this lore definition. That's what I'm sticking with. Given that clarification, we should recap what was Beast I to understand why Animusphere are Beast VII and why Olga in particular, rather than her father (for now?).

Beast I was the consequence of a system designed to protect the Human Order and help humanity evolve. An observation system composed first of Solomon, who died, and then the 72 pillar demons. This birthed humanity incineration in their pride and anguish of humanity perceived meaningless and suffering. It was pity for that history of pain that led to extinguish it fire to use that energy and makeover the species (and the planet) from scratch. It was because they had the authority to do so. They were a system made to evolve humans, and one with human emotion and agency, unlike Solomon who could perform his duty because he had neither of those. Roman, the human born of Solomon's wish for a second life, countered such a statement denying the rights of such authority, returning Solomon's blessings to God, completing that task. Because he believed in many futures chosen by people themselves, and not chosen by him or his replacement. The reason why Goetia became Beast I and not Solomon was because Goetia had freedom to be angry and snap back, but Solomon admitted he didn’t have such freedom, so the potential of that evil was inherent in the system: an observation system to evolve humanity. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but perhaps it is when it demands it to have the reigns and control of it.

Back to Animuspheres. Why them? Creating Chaldea seems beneficial for humanity. Well, it is... but only if Chaldea is treated like was treated under Romani, Da Vinci and Gordolf: as a group that answers emergencies that endanger the present at the time rather than in potential for a future danger. Let’s remind what Olga said in Fuyuki:

(cutting because image heavy)

On a first read, it sounds innocent, but actually, is a fairly arrogant claim. The speech beforehand should be revised (in particular with the recontextualization Mortalis Stella gives it having Emiya being angry with Olga and the Animuspheres):

Basically, if Solomon and the 72 demon gods were Observers and Administrators to evolve Humanity (something Roman undid so humanity would be free to choose going their pace). Animuspheres fashioned themselves as Observers who ensure or validate Humanity future. The results of over 2000 years of experimentation. Now here’s the question, if Beast VII is the Beast made of this system, why was Olga, and not her father, the one who transformed? While in the past, I believed Marisbury would be Beast VII, I always have to wonder one thing: what could lead a man as self-assured and pragmatic to experience such shame and regret (if that was the Beast sin as I speculated) so I had to headcanon something like “whatever he saw in the future made him feel ashamed”, but thinking about it, he couldn’t be that for a similar reason Solomon wasn’t Beast I: he didn’t have the mindset for it (in Solomon’s case, it was because he had no freedom to choose to be angry - but this weakness also exists, even in Roman who dislikes watching and making people sad, he just diverted from his potential danger by his  personal journey as human). Marisbury’s simply someone who resolutely points a gun at himself and blows his brains out with a smile. He still could have been an evil of Humanity, like Solomon probably was (not the Servant record version), just unhatched because the sin assigned was never nurtured. His daughter on the other hand... Unlike her dad, Olgamarie accomplished nothing, she’s deemed as a failure, no matter how she tries, even less apt for Celestial Bodies Faculty than her father’s star pupil, Kirschtaria Wodime. She even clings to her ‘life’ in Fuyuki because of her regrets, expresses her cries for her own insignificance in her last moments unable to accept it’s over.

There surely are other factors, like humanity torturing her (Specimen E), her death, potentially being an artificial being, or family indoctrination. But it’s still Olgamarie’s choice and her flaws which led to this transformation. The emphasis made on Olgamarie’s choice was present in the Lostroom when Lev asks her what she’ll do and she doesn’t have an answer to him. Her only answer is in the game or in the storyline where she parrots they’ll protect the future:

And now we’re back to Melty Blood: Backalley Nightmare. In that story, there's an argument of approaches to how to protect humanity. One is Sion, who abandons the big picture of 'preventing' a crisis and more 'do what little I can do' with the present. This is what Chaldea, the Chaldea after Olgamarie died led by Roman and his successors, has been doing, even in the Lostbelts. They try to protect what they could, and trust for the best. The other is Siamlin, who like Animuspheres did, is trying to observe the future and take measures to prevent it before it happens, no matter what she does, she justifies it as for the sake of the future.

(and there's this warning right here).

Simultaneously there're two Olgamaries. A dead one, presumably from Siamlin’s timeline, is a child ghost with mysterious powers and says this: “The future will not change.” The other Olgamarie is actually from one of Atlas’ simulations but has become a real timeline (due to Ghost Olgamarie’s power). That Olgamarie meets Sion and has a change of heart. This is why I made emphasis on Olgamarie’s choice and agency earlier, because that Olgamarie takes FGO Olgamarie’s proud statements in the beginning about her and Animusphere’s mission and abandons it:

Our job to guarantee the future, but whose future do we guarantee? We say that we're going to ensure the future, but what kind of future do we think is good? We expanded on the land, we built cities, we crossed oceans, we travelled the skies, but for what purpose?

She concludes that, to change the future, working with the little things of the present should be more important. This speech she gives to Flauros before he detonates the bomb, and  it changes everything because no bomb goes off. Nobody died. Flauros changed his mind and agreed. While the ending is all poetic and symbolic. The result is Sion winning. And the materialization is what Olga (this Olgamarie) wants, same as Roman, a bright blue future which is the symbolism for “endless possibilities” (also mentioned and reminded in Lostroom by Lev to her). The future can change.

Well, I was lengthy, but I laid out something: Beast VII being Olgamarie, other than whatever tragic thing Nasu will toss to “soften” the blame, makes a lot of  sense if it’s the Beast of Shame/Regret who ends the present from the Future. Animusphere (or Animusphere experiment) connected to Chaldeas and filled to the brim with feelings of not being good enough, and who thought needed to ensure humanity’s future. However, I think the one who has to defeat Beast VII is Olgamarie herself too. Because there need to be clear that humanity doesn’t need anyone to validate the future for them and the approach to change what’s the come is more “focusing on what little you can do now” than “obtain a great power to change things” which is what Olgamarie concluded in that manga (ironically FGO Olga strongly preached for latter in her speech; it’s no surprise U Olga exists partly, IMO, due to this). It’s possible that the thematic resolution will be similar, give or add new themes with more packing punch and characters involved.

P.S. Moonlight Lostroom OVA and Mortalis Stella in particular make emphasis that Olgamarie has doubts about her mission, but it seems she sticks with it. But once again, it’s important that these got (belatedly) added to reflect the post Melty Blood manga retcons.

[chuckbass-love]

Top 8 Favourite Movies Tag- List 8 Movies, then tag whoever you want!

Thanks for the tag @americasass91​ this actually quite hard. 

No particular order with these. I have more films but these are just some that i know i love the most.

1. Hot Rod: This film just has me in stitches. I discovered it just after i became a fan of The Lonely Island and it’s a film that for sure makes me laugh when i’m upset and crying. It’s silly humour. Andy Samberg nails it and for all of you Brooklyn nine-nine fans out there, enjoy. Especially the dance scene in the woods, i watched that shit over and over.

“You look pretty” 

“What?”

“I said you look shitty”

2. Captain America - The Winter Soldier: Would it really be a favourite film list if this wasn’t in it. I’ll be honest if i could i’d just list all of my fave marvel films in this but i had to stop myself. Out of all the CA films, this is my fave and in my top 5 marvel films. Steve/Cap in this is just *chefs kiss*. The look, the scenes with him and Nat, the elevator scene. No other words needed.

“Before we get started, does anyone wanna get out?”

3. IT 1&2: I shouldn’t combine them but i’ve done it anyways. I’ll be honest, before the remake came out, i’d heard of the novel by Stephen King but never read it or watched the original movie. So when i did see the first IT remake, i watched the original and the original just didn’t have me scared even in the slightest, i found it funny. But the remakes. Woah. I love horror films, it’s the best genre of film in my opinion. These two films are just so well done and put together. Everything from the actors that they chose, both for the losers club as kids and as adults to Bill as Pennywise the clown. It was genuinely incredible, convince me otherwise.

4. She’s The Man: Where to begin with this one... Growing up, me and my sister must have watched this one so many times. One particular part involving Malcolm when he sings to Olivia is a scene we re watched more than a couple times. I could probably quote any of the films on my list but this is probably one of my main ones where i could literally tell you most of the script and i have no shame. The film is hilarious pretty much start to finish with a few exceptions. If you haven’t seen this already, please do, you won’t regret it. Plus Channing Tatum, need i say more?

“I’m a badass hunky dude”

5. Step Up Series:  All of them are in this because i can’t decide on one. Let’s start with the first one yeah? Channing and Jenna really killed this film. They nailed it. The end dance was quite possibly one of my faves out of all the end dances in these films. The winner of that is for Step Up: All In but yeah. Best role is for Adam G. Sevani as Moose. If you love these films, go watch them all if you can. They always leave me dancing and also feeling slightly jealous of the actors for being able to to work with Adam. He’s one truly talented mother fucker may i add. These films were my teen years.

6. After & After We Collided: The first one had it’s moments where it was cringe BUT all in all, i’ve watched it a lot. Hero and Josephine were the best choices for these films. I cannot wait for the 3rd and 4th movie. Also who doesn’t love Steph and Tristan together too. Pia Mia is a goddess. The whole cast was so well chosen. As for the sequel. I’ve watched it twice and it’s going to be a 3rd time on Tuesday. I don’t want to say too much without giving away the plot of these films. First one is on Netflix. The sequel is a lot raunchier and Hessa come out in full force with their cute moments along with their fights. It’s just a masterpiece. 

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same”

7. Knives Out: This film is probably the most incredible film i’ve seen in a long time. It kept me guessing, really had me on the edge of my seat. First i was sure it was one person and then the end had me all kinds of shocked. Chris Evans really nailed this role and the whole cast did imo. I really feel that outside of Marvel and Defending Jacob that this is his best role. It was nice to see him do something completely different to is other roles. Seeing him really push himself.

8. What’s Your Number?: Yes, another Chris film. He’s my husband, i gotta show that support. His role as Colin Shea, really made me love this film. That and Anna Faris who is hilarious and so naturally funny. I cried, i laughed and ngl got turned on, Colin during that basketball scene really had me. Plus him covering his dick with a towel in the doorway, iconic. Go check it out if you haven’t already.

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I tag: @llamadelreyx @optimistic-dinosaur-nacho @mychemicalimagines @coffeebooksandfandom @t-stark35 @deadlymistress24 @buckybarnesthehotshot @ozarkthedog 

[paradoxcase]

Moria thoughts (I’m up to just before the discovery of Balin’s tomb):

In the movie, after establishing that Saruman is purposefully forcing them to abandon the idea of going over Caradhras and thus having to go through Moria as Gimli suggests, Saruman gives this like, evil villain speech about Gandalf is super afraid to go through Moria because of the Balrog, which I think is supposed to foreshadow Gandalf not making it out of Moria.  But in the books, Gimli doesn’t mention Moria at first, and actually it was Gandalf’s idea to go that way, even without trying Caradhras at all.  They only try Caradhras because Gandalf and Aragorn had been arguing about this and Gandalf finally agreed with Aragorn that they would try Caradhras first before going through Moria, and then when Caradhras doesn’t work out, Gandalf is like, look guys, I’ve been through Moria before, it’s really not that bad, trust me, also there are a whole bunch of evil werewolves/wargs around here and we probably don’t want to continue going overland with them chasing us (they do actually have to fight off some werewolves the night before they go into Moria, which honestly I can’t imagine why Peter Jackson would have cut that scene because it’s exactly the sort of stuff he loves).  Anyway, I feel like inserting Gimli into this conversation and making Gandalf actually averse to going through Moria removes the last tiny little bit of Gandalf and Aragorn’s relationship that we might have seen in the movie, which is just a shame.  We also miss the actual foreshadowing that Tolkien does, where Aragorn keeps making dark predictions about how Gandalf won’t survive Moria and how he, personally, is going to wind up regretting going this way and etc., which is IMO much better than just having Saruman say “muhahaha my evil plan to make them go through Moria has worked!” which was honestly kind of dumb.  There is a note about Tolkien calling Moria a “trap” but it’s not really clear if he actually meant that someone was really forcing them to go through it and face that danger.  There’s even a note in the companion that it’s not clear if Gandalf actually knew what Durin’s Bane even was before meeting the Balrog.  There’s a nice little moment after they get locked into Moria by the Watcher where the hobbits are scared and Aragorn is like, don’t worry, Gandalf will definitely be able to lead us out of here, I’ve known him a long time and he’s very good at this, in spite of all of his dire predictions earlier.  Another little bit of their relationship that wasn’t included in the movie.

For the Pippin-is-stupid record: It was Boromir and not Pippin who threw a rock into the Watcher’s pool, and he did it because he was frustrated, not because ooh, I’m bored, it’s fun to throw rocks.  But Pippin did throw the rock down the well in Moria, and it was more or less because he wanted to see what would happen.  Pippin admittedly isn’t smart all the time.  However, he did not actually send an entire skeleton connected to a big clanking chain down there, it was just a rock.

Gimli has a very nice poem/song about Durin in Moria which obviously didn’t make it into the movie.  I realize they can’t put all the songs in the movie, but I would have liked to see this one!  I remember they did put in, IIRC one of Bilbo’s songs when Pippin sang it to Denethor, and they included the dwarves’ song in the Hobbit.

If you’re like me and always wondered how Gollum could possibly have followed them into Moria when they entered the way they did, it turns out that Gollum actually entered from the east quite a long time before the Fellowship entered from the west and had only just found his way to the west exit when the Fellowship entered there (and then the west exit was blocked by the Watcher).  After Gollum escaped from Thranduil, he was being chased by both angry Elves and and angry Orcs, so he actually entered Moria in order to hide from them, with the sort of vague plan of trying to get to the Shire when he came out, since he knew it was west of the Misty Mountains.  Then he got lost, and, I suppose, was following the Fellowship just in order to find the way out again.  He may or may not have actually known that the ring-bearer was part of the Fellowship at this point.

[whentherewerebicycles]

(1) i’ll start by saying i’ve loved many of your posts, your thoughtful processing inspired me to process the same way; as a teacher myself, i love reading about your relationship with teaching and your reflections on writing & teaching. i’m not sure if this will be a useful message — i debated sending it anonymously because i am not sure if i really want to engage. if someone is anti-black there isn’t much to be done, imo. but i really respect your thinking and writing so i want to reach out.

2) i’m surprised you shared a quote from a wapo article endorsing biden. biden co-authored the 1994 crime bill, basically was an architect of mass incarceration. he has denied responsibility as a white person to be anti-racist, he has insinuated black parents cannot parent their children (very tied to the effects of the 1994 crime bill). biden is a racist very good at convincing folks he isn’t while engineering systemic racism in the background.

i’m happy to engage with you further on this, and connect you to more analysis and clarity. i’m reaching out in good faith, and mostly surprise, because i felt initially that i had a different reading of your politics. thanks for thinking through this, if you do.

i appreciate you reaching out and writing such a thoughtful message. biden was not my first choice candidate. however, for me personally, it is this simple: in november we face a choice between a white man who has a deeply flawed record on racial politics and an imperfect antiracist practice... and a white man who is literally, openly, proudly a white supremacist, who gleefully courts the support of white nationalists, who elevates open racists to prominent government positions, and who seeks with his every breath to incite racial hatred and sow even deeper divisions. our country cannot survive another four years of trump. the human suffering that trump has personally orchestrated is staggering, and the damage he could do with four more years in power is something i find too horrifying to even imagine. i could not live with myself if i abstained from voting or cast a symbolic third party vote in the november 2020 election. not only will i personally vote for biden, i will do absolutely everything in my power to register voters, campaign for biden, and get people to the polls to put trump out of office.

biden is not perfect, but no candidate is or ever will be. but if you compare biden to trump, i believe that biden is at least capable of experiencing empathy for other human beings, and that he has at least some shred of moral decency that could be appealed to. trump does not. trump will never respond to pressure from progressive activists and community advocates. he will never be forced to be accountable for his misdeeds. he will never, ever experience even a flicker of shame or self-doubt or regret for his actions. he is incapable of doing or feeling any of that.

in terms of biden’s past record: I believe that intelligent people who are capable of empathy are also capable of learning and growing. it seems likely to me that biden has a different understanding of racial politics than he did in 1994, given how much the political landscape has changed. that does not excuse someone’s past racism or past contributions to perpetuating/deepening structural racism, nor does it mean that you have to give him the benefit of the doubt if you don’t feel he has changed. but to me, that is not a reason not to elect him. we are not choosing between biden and a candidate who has a flawless—or even just a better—record on race. we are choosing between biden and a candidate who is, again, literally, openly, proudly a white supremacist. activists can push and pressure and perhaps persuade biden on issues like race. we can ask him to be accountable for his past and we can call out future policies that seem to engineer structural racism in the background, as you put it. we will never, ever, ever be able to push trump. he is shameless. he is gleeful in his hatred of people of color. he is a monster.

i also want to say that, while anti-Black racism is central to my understanding of antiracist practice, it is not the only form of antiracism that shapes my politics or my work as an educator. i want to be super clear here that i am not suggesting that there is a hierarchy of oppression here, and i also understand the vital importance, in this specific historical moment, of highlighting anti-Black racism. but as someone who lives in texas and works closely with latinx students—many of whom are from immigrant families; some of whom are Dreamers or from mixed-citizenship status families—i am keenly, agonizingly aware of the suffering trump has inflicted on these communities. our country’s fucked up immigration system can’t be laid solely at trump’s door, but we do know that he has devoted himself with glee to terrorizing migrants and refugees. he stokes racial hatred against immigrant communities at every possible opportunity. he is directly responsible for policies that have torn migrant children away from their parents, condemned human beings to indefinite detention under inhumane conditions, and cut detainees off from legal and medical aid. he has done everything in his power to make life a living hell for undocumented people and their families, and he has also ruthlessly pursued policies that make it even more difficult for undocumented people to access basic medical care, housing, and protection from employer exploitation.

i know already that biden will not advocate for the kind of sweeping overhaul of our inhumane immigration system that i might want, just as you know that he will not (on his own) advocate for the sweeping overhaul of policing or the end of mass incarceration in america. that sucks, and it’s worth feeling anger/disappointment over—especially if those feelings can be channeled into sustained pressure campaigns once he’s in office. so yes: i know he’s not perfect. but i also know that he has not based his entire campaign on demonizing immigrants and advocating for a border wall. and i have to believe that, while he may not be the progressive candidate we dream of, he will be a better, more humane choice than trump. the choice is, again, between an imperfect white liberal and a man who is literally, openly, proudly a white supremacist. in my mind it is no choice at all.

i want to note two more things. first, biden surged to the forefront of the race because Black voters in the South showed up to the polls and overwhelmingly chose him over other, more progressive candidates. i’m not going to speculate about why that is—lots of people have done so, and i’m not informed enough to weigh in! but i am more than happy to follow the lead of Black voters here, because I’m going to assume they know better than I do. the second thing i want to say, in closing, is that a president is not the only person who exercises power within the federal government. i’m not even talking about the courts and congress—i’m talking about all the people the next president will appoint to oversee and work in various government agenices. that includes his entire cabinet, plus (according to this article) “a total of 3,799 politically appointed federal positions,” who are “expected to support the policies and goals of the president's administration.”

part of what has been so absolutely devastating about the trump presidency is that he has installed incompetent and/or maliciously minded people at so many levels of government—not to mention his ongoing (and thus far distressingly successful) effort to stack the federal courts by forcing through as many lifetime appointments as he can. trump still hasn’t even managed to fill some of those appointed positions—which means that he’s doing this much damage operating at less than 100% capacity. imagine how different our federal government could be if we ousted those people and instated 3,799 people who were at least marginally more competent and perhaps even more progressively minded. biden is also much more likely than trump to appoint people of color, LGBTQ people, and/or women to those positions (because, again, trump is a white supremacist and a proud misogynist).

i want to be clear that i hear your concerns and that i think they are legitimate. i’m not trying to shut down criticism of biden—i have zero emotional or intellectual investment in biden himself as a candidate. and i think it is very, very much worth pointing out that he, like most white people, has expressed and may still hold problematic views; and also, that historically, he played a role in creating structures that continue to inflict harm on Black and brown communities. we must demand that our politicians be accountable. in fact, that is what democratic citizenship demands of us! it is our job to pay attention, to be informed, and to expect that our elected officials work towards the common good, rather than privileging one group while disproportionately inflicting harm and privation on other groups.

in a healthy democracy, it is also our job to debate, to discuss, to reflect, to seek to persuade each other, and, ultimately, to vote according to our values. on election day you will ultimately choose to do what you feel is right, and that is absolutely your right. but i will also choose to do what i feel is right, and for me, there is no question about what that is. after the election? that’s a different story. because if biden is elected, people who are committed to social justice will have work to do—just like we will always, under any presidency, have work to do. i am ready to continue that work, as I am sure you are. but god, i would so much rather pursue it under a flawed liberal presidency than under the leadership of a fascist.

[luobingmeis]

DAO really was the best game, the lore the ability to absolutely wreck shit, the fact that they didnt do that bullshit ‘all sides are grey’ and clearly showed oppression. I think of my warden, an elven mage, and wonder how she’ll be rewritten more than anything.

right like!!!! i love each dragon age game with my whole heart and they all have super special places in said heart, but origins handles a lot of the social problems really well, or at least from the perspective that i play it as (also an elven mage!)

the rest i’m putting under the cut bc holy shit i can talk abt dragon age a lot. also nothing is proofred. i’m so sorry this got so long i hear “bioware” and “grey morality” and i go wild

(pls talk to me abt dragon age.....)

(also please don’t reblog this!!)

like i understand da2 having a type of grey-morality thing bc the final battle was choosing between the mages and the templars (tho imo they could’ve done better than “the mages hate us bc we keep them locked in a tower and there are multiple accounts of us abusing them and therefore some of them turn to blood magic so therefore we should kill all of them” but still, in a setting like that where the Main End Game Choice was mages vs. templars, then that is understandable)

(but also i haven’t played da2 in a couple years so maybe it’s more nuanced than that)

but inquisition! it’s weird bc inq has a super special place in my heart. i’ve played it 6 or 7 times to completion, not counting the other times i got 20/30 hours into it before external forces distracted me. inq is overall the game i think abt the most, most of my playthroughs average over 100 hours, it’s the only game that i have all the dlcs for, for me it’s the easiest to replay, and yet there’s so much that frustrates me abt it! like, i’m gonna avoid talking abt the actual parts of the writing that bother me, bc that can be it’s own standalone thing, but imo it felt like they never actually solidified what actually caused the mage/templar war? there are those that say anders started it (seems likely), then there are those who talk abt fiona leading the rebel mages in the war? and there, of course, is the “the templars have done wrong but so have they mages and therefore you’re shamed either way for what you do” like i Get what they’re trying to do, trying to encourage players to explore their options and really delve into their own moral values of the game and not just adhere to what the game says, but idk the way they always went abt it always rubbed me some type of wrong

i think part of it is bc, when people mention circle mages turning to blood mages and demons and such like that, it was always framed as “ah these evil mages!” and not “[if these are circle mages] most likely their want for freedom pushed them to that”

does that make it right? no, not necessarily! look at uldred from dao! imo, he was wrong! i don’t like the circle and my warden herself has a complicated relationship with it, but i like that you can say “hey! this is wrong!” without legitimate plot-based “but what if it isn’t?”

of course there will always be companions who push for the more chaotic/harsh choices (morrigan is the one i have the most experience with giving me disapproval for being what i think is nice) (still love her tho), but i think dao handled “okay, look at the big picture, and really think abt what hill u want to die on” stance well

and then there’s the way the mage/templar thing is handled in inquisition vis a vis companions. specifically cullen. and, listen, i as a player have a very complicated relationship with cullen and my heros do too lmao. and i really don’t want to get into the nuances of that bc that can 1) turn into a fight i don’t feel like having and 2) can be it’s own discussion, but basically, from my own perspective, he’s a well-written character who makes for a good antag to a mage-siding hawke in da2 bc of how pro-templar/anti-mage he is. again, don’t agree with any of it (honestly da2 alone puts me on the “okay fuck this” level w/ his character), but it does offer an extreme that is interesting to see. origins is more complicated bc in a game not directly stepped in mage/templar and also a game that stems from 6 different origin stories, it’s very easy to be a non-mage and be like “why do i care abt this guy” (if you get what i’m saying? like i got immediately invested in saving the mages bc my first warden was a circle mage so i was very put off by being told to kill all of them, as compared to if i played a non-mage origin and didn’t really have that background knowledge). but overall, origins and da2 puts cullen on the “pro-templars, mages are more dangerous than they are good side.” and then inquisition is where things get interesting!!

and, for a quick ref, i’m very into getting invested in my characters and really figuring out their morals and what they would actually do, or at least think, so dai becomes interesting bc i play as another elven mage who has never stepped foot in a circle and never will. so, bc of that, i play him as naturally more inclined to not initially Think abt cullen’s past like as a templar bc, as a dalish mage, i hc that he does not know what actually goes on in circles (as compared to my warden, a circle mage, and my hawke, an apostate) (but i hc that, overtime, as he has more and more experiences with templars, he becomes more cognizant of that) (but bioware doesn’t give me the option to just dictate everything my camris lavellan is thinking akjsjkdjk)

and dai-cullen, imo, is actually very interesting! and, tbh, i do have to give it to bioware. i feel like i’m abt to say an unironic controversial opinion, and i feel like i’ve already talked abt the nuances of all of this, but i do think dai did well at reworking cullen’s character. however, i feel like that was also done to feed into the grey-ness of the mage/templars. and, imo, i think they almost did well at actually making cullen show regret for how he treated mages. almost. again, i think there’s a lot of nuance! bc we do see him show some type of regret for how he treated a mage!warden (if he said all that shit like “all these people’s blood are on your hands” if u talk abt not wanting to kill innocent mages) and we do see him step away from templar life (that is, if you tell him to stop taking lyrium)

but!!!! there’s One Thing that puts a thorn in this, and it’s that cullen says something along the lines of, “meredith wasn’t all wrong, she had reason” like bitch!!! no matter what side you choose in da2, you fucking fight meredith!!! she’s wanted to kill innocent mages/make them tranquil even before anders blew up the chantry!!! meredith was all wrong!! she was evil!!!!! she was objectively a harmful person!!!!!!!!! bioware really makes this bitch the final boss of da2 and then has the audacity to say “but maybe she wasn’t all bad” in dai like WHERE IS THIS FOR ORSINO??? ORSINO ISN’T ALL BAD, IS HE???????? OH BUT HE IS BC HE RESORTED TO SUDDEN BLOOD MAGIC IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES OF THE GAME, AS COMPARED TO MEREDITH WHO WAS A DANGER FOR THE ENTIRE FINAL ACT and i digress but the fact that bioware is trying to redeem cullen but also showing that he still sympathizes with a woman who 1) turned against the templars and 2) Literally Everything She Did To The Mages always makes me “hmmmm are u really trying tho :/”

also tho one thing i’m actually not the biggest fan of is that cullen is like “oh i knew hawke in passing........ knew varric in passing.............” meanwhile let’s just cut to everything that happened at kirkwall. this is my own opinion bc i see varric as hawke’s #1 but i personally think that at least half of the comraderie varric and cullen sorta-kinda-had in inq was varric testing the waters of “okay what is cullen going to be like if and when hawke shows up”

also tho i will say a hot-take of mine is that if cullen gets to be redeemed by bioware, then i want something for anders, too, but i doubt bioware would do something so clearly pro-mage. but it could be two sides of the extreme! extremist templar gets redemption, extremist mage does, too! come on, bioware, show your grey morality

(again, i think it’s interesting what they did with cullen in dai and does give some sympathetic light but i also do think the reworking of his character was working towards bioware’s moral-greyness agenda with dragon age. not that that’s necessarily a terrible thing, i understand them wanting some nuance, but it’s the way they do it. like, you can show bad templars and bad mages and still not have “but who is really the bad guy? the oppressors or the oppressed? who is it really?”)

(and also just bc i feel like i need to put my own player claim in this, my opinion on cullen is complicated and also i’m gonna be completely forth-right with u, dear anon, i appreciate cullen in inquisition but, as a whole, he can be terrible to ur warden in dao (that’s not me being shifty it literally just depends on the choice you make in broken circle) and in da2 he’s a nightmare, so bioware had to do a lot of legwork in dai) (tbh tho in my personal-player opinion, if i was to ever romance cullen in inq, it’s not gonna be with a mage)

god this got so out of hand anon i’m so sorry you probably didn’t want this messy essay but i just love talking abt dragon age!!! i think abt it a lot and i have five years worth of headcanons and i have a family tree set up for my surana/lavellan bc of some bullshit i pulled and also!!!! bioware’s writing can get so frustrating but i also think it’s so interesting to pull apart and discuss bc i think the bioware has actually shifted from pro-mage (origins) to neutral-mage (da2 kinda) to anti-mage (dai) and i feel like So Many Choices with characters and their plots reveal that!!! so it’s a frustrating agenda but i also just love dragon age so much that i can’t help but get excited and talk abt it!!!

like, as all things, i do believe there are times when grey morality does work, but, at least from a mage-siding perspective, it hasn’t really landed well for dragon age. bc, and i don’t want to drag in real-life scenarios bc i feel like it would be incredibly inappropriate of me to use any oppressed minority as a comparison for a fantasy world, but it’s the age-old thing of people saying the shitty “but the oppressed fight back and therefore they’re just as bad as the oppressors!” and that’s like....... not how it works.

but also you’ve caught me in a wonderful mood so i feel like, if i was in a bad mood, this would be a lot more “and fucking bioware can’t make a goddamn decision on what side they actually support so instead most of the companions are gonna made rude remarks abt you supporting mages and the ones that support you are seen as distrustful and fuck this and fuck that” but i think that is the joy of loving something with you’re whole heart and also saying “there are so many things abt this that piss me off and so many things that i would change”

and also!!!! ik bioware probably killed my warden so like rip electra surana but i would love for the warden to make an appearance in da4 as a temporary companion/advisor. but! but!!!!!! i also don’t know how much i trust bioware with my “elven mage who is alistair’s mistress and preferred the mages and wanted to free the circles and etc etc etc” bc... idk how to explain it? like, i don’t want them taking my warden and putting words in her mouth that go against choices i meticulously made in dao