#and im so used to it that consequences just dont seem to have an effect on me

[maaaxx]

I took a sociology class a few years and I had a ten page essay on the polarization of gender and I didnt start on it until like an hour and a half before it was due.

I ended up getting a 97- ish percent on it which ended up being the highest grade in the class. Mind you I was like 15 in a class full of 18-22 year olds and the prof actually ended up pulling me aside and telling me it was one of the best essays shes ever read. (or something like that)

Anywho I've been living off that high for like three years and now I can't force myself to write an essay unless its due in like an hour.

The reason for this post is to point out that I have a 1200 (ish) word essay due in 3 hours and I havent started on it and part of me is panicking because yeah. And the other part of me is like, 'its fine, we always get it done lets read freaking fanfiction' :))))

I need one of you to beat me with a stick again

[storgicdealer]

ahem. cracks knuckles.

you know what time it is boy

highlights of attacking the innocent (also balling): general analysis of influencer arc episode 1

(so. the green onceler arc might be actually real)

THIS EPISODE WAS SO SICK. the animation????the music??????? the 3D CYBERSPACE??????????? MWAH chefs kiss . and the most interesting new thing: new character to play dolls with (thank you everyone who put their 5 cents in and shared a braincell: calling him greenscreen)

and. god.

the 3d insides of the computer box and programs... GOD !!!!!! GOD !!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FOR BABY!!!!!!!!

i NEED to find out the dimensions of it.

the way the ab team decided to expand on the 3d perspective just like this is. oh my lird

personally this means SO MUCH for me as the #1 lover of the "internet is walkable" trope. one of the main reasons why i adore avam so much

more points on that: the icons dont seem to.. "gain shape" until they're interacted with: in this case picked up by the cg. another point: sticks need to apply force to an icon to open an app . swag

additional note: the episode itself seems to begin in sticksfight?? or just a random table that was drawn

additional note electric boogaloo: green seemed to hit the CEILING when performing his ballin movement. is the gui of the computer really not that high?? and.

where are the doors. where are. where is the backstage that the sticks constantly come out of. hello

the way they interact with adobe premiere is SO SO interesting. the whole process of videomaking in the universe is something im gonna be thinking of for a GOOD while

(small note: i know sticks own hammerspace and can basically bring out anything but. is the red cape the red fabric green used in the matador short?

now, onto our new character

greenscreen seemed to appear out of the adobe video being overloaded? with effects n unnecessary sfx and clipping masks and such, causing it to glitch. in fact, adobe itself warned to proceed with caution the second the cg put too much stuff into it.

honestly, we can always put this monent into the "something glitchy-fucked happens and there are consequences" category, with the consequences just happening to be a new guy (thank you so much whoever did that). but worldbuilding wise, how exactly did it manifest? did the excessive amount of effects and glitches.. shape a creature into existence? with it taking the appearance of green as the main character that appeared in the video the most. sort of like a puzzle to create a being?

what's interesting, the screen focuses on the cg throwing the video away before the sequence with it gaining sentience by taking the form of green starts.

now, the main thing about the fight scene to me is how greenscreen took all of his movements/actions from the video itself,

and how many people have already pointed out, is that..

he doesn't seem to have wanted to attack in the first place.

screen, from the beginning of his existence only possessed powers/moves that green & cg themselves have shown in the video. and of course, the main point of the video itself was fighting a monster — obviously filling up the video, the whole essence of the character, with mostly that. his whole being was shaped up that way.

screen might've tried acting friendly, or neutral at least — but the whole way the video, a fighting video, was jumbled with glitches kind of.. forced him not to exhibit any other behaviour. perhaps, if not for these glitches, he could've controlled his own actions — he would still know the most of the world from the video, but at least, if he wanted to fight — he could control it. and do it himself, if he wanted.

(additional note: greenscreen seems to glitch everytime he's hit, also.)

the time he does attack, himself — is when he is cornered, and has been shown nothing but violence from others.

woah that pal has some seeerious issues to get under control ! anyways, onto other highlights of the video! (/silly)

the new video did a WONDERFUL job at showcasing the cg's fighting style in a new, clear manner. the gang regained the weapons they have wielded in the first part of "wanted", but in another form.

orange, equipped with the classic brush tool, seems to be mostly focused on defense. (regaining the previous defense styles based on the last parts of wanted & avm s3!)

red seems to focus on melee and hand-to-hand fighting,

blue, classic: fighting at a distance with the bow.

yellow seems to also fight at a certain distance, but it is only a hand's reach: enough to hit, enough to not get hit. (this also heavily reminds me of yellow's behavior with the staff, where in fight she has mostly hung out in the middle: aiming and attacking from a certain distance.)

i'm not particularly sure what category to put green in, also taking in his usage of the rod in avms3 and a .. gun. in the beginning of wanted. but his moves are the most agile and sharp (literally) out of the crew.

a bit of the video i am . Really interested in

finding out about his adobe-abilities, screen consumed other bits of the program to use it for attacking. including posterizing time, which is not only a quite strong ability in on itself, but!

..also seemed to affect other sticks, while he, himself — was unaffected by time.

the move seems to be incredibly powerful??? like. if it was that easy for a glitched video to consume parts of adobe, use it for his own powers, to a point of manipulating time???

damn. the cg basically created an adobe demigod????????

another supposition i have onto why it worked on sticks: the cg were drawn themselves, and drawn in adobe flash, therefore being interacted with as symbols whether they were affected because of just being drawn beings themselves, or because of some kind of influence all adobe programs might have on each other — their creation itself is probably the reason for this. (once again. they created a killer machine and provoked it itself!!!!!! damn pick a struggle!!!!!/j)

the episode finishes off amazingly in my opinion by the cg recreating and using the basketball movements they learned when filming their first video. they Slamdunked a stick. good lord

anyways. FEEL FREE TO ADD ON TO THIS POST WHATEVER YOU WANT !!! i appreciate all notes !!!! :D

[secretlilsis]

She stood in front of him in the middle of the flower field, eyes wide open, smile on her lips. Her skin shining through her white dress, even more now, that it had rained a little bit and it was sticking to her skin - her nipples shining through, since she hadnt decided to wear a bra today. Her long shiny hair framing her face nicely. He looked her up and down with desire that seemed to shred his heart to pieces. And he knew he could not have her. His beautiful little sister. Looking at him so trustingly and innocently, seemingly unaware of her charmes and effect she had on him. She bowed down to pick up some flowers, "Let me make you a flower crown, big brother!" She said flashing him the brightest smile. They both sat down on the picnic blanket they had brought, hurling together closely, shoulder on shoulder. And her busy fingers made the flower crown to put on his head. When she was done she looked so proud. He knew she loved making flower crowns, now that she was an adult it was no different than when she was a child. "Youre like... a pretty prince or something now." She laughed, and he loved her laugh. He wanted to kiss her. Pull her close. Be gentle to her. Bestow all his feelings of love and obsession onto her. "Big brother.." She whispered. "Youre looking at me like that again. You know.. I might be oblivious sometimes but even I understand that sort of stare." He gulped. His throat felt like it was filled with bile. It felt like the world around him started to shiver, because he got nervous. "What..? I know you think im pretty in that way." She whispered, leaning in closely to him.. putting a finger to his lips as if to shush him "If anyone deserves to have me it probably is you, big brother. If I wasnt scared of the consequences id have let you have me a long time ago, you know..?" She fixated on his lips, like she knew the feeling he was constantly feeling around her all to well himself. She must have been quite good at hiding her feelings. He hadnt seen it coming. Maybe she was a better liar than he gave her credit for. "Big brother.." She whispered. "..I dont wanna continue to grow up, we are both adult now. One day youll get married to some lovely girl, and ill stay behind cuz I dont want anyone but you.." "I dont want anyone but you either." He quickly reassured her. "If neither of us never crosses that line we should be fine.. right? But its getting harder and harder not to for me.." She admitted, looking almost guilty and caught.

He wanted to take her right then and there, hear no further word, only feel her. Feel her soft skin. Hear her soft laughter. Find out what her moans sounded like. What her pussy looked and smelled like. Cup her breasts in his hands for the first time. But he didnt. He just looked at her, to afraid to do anything.

"... We should go back." She sighed, almost looking dissapointed. "I guess both of us are to reasonable to do it, mh?" She got up and started to walk away, expecting him to follow. And he did. He took of his jacket it and made her wear it "... Your dress is see-through.." He commented, looking away nervously. She grinned, "I know. I teased you on purpose, you know? Im not as innocent as you think."

As they walked home, both of them only felt the pressure to act on their feelings rise.

[mythalism]

despite being a clear solas stan i do genuinely understand and empathize with people who feel slighted by the blatant narrative focus on him versus other characters, especially if he doesn’t particularly resonate with you. people often call him as “controversial” which is undeniably true among the fans, but i honestly wonder if he was written to be controversial or if it was an unexpected consequence of his writing that they didn’t anticipate. the devs with the most creative power and agency all clearly adore him, if not as a person at least as an interesting character. but i remember how much the popular opinion towards him changed after the release of trespasser, from "some guy i never talked to because hes boring" to "evil maniac" and i honestly cannot imagine the developers would intentionally create a character, whom they knew would one day become effectively the central point around which the narrative orbits, and make him.... hated by like half of players? and not just hated as in "love to hate" but like genuinely hated. like i know people who are literally are not going to buy this game because it focuses so heavily on a character they dgaf about or dont like. and the devs definitely know this. they literally changed the name from "dreadwolf" to "the veilguard" because they didnt want to make it seem like it was all about solas. they literally said this when asked about the change. which is just... fascinating because... he was written this way!!!! he was written to be an asshole to people who dont like him. hes literally a pride demon who hates people who hate him LMFAO. and he only really becomes sympathetic if you put effort into getting to know him. but what incentive does a player have to get to know him??? LITERALLY NONE??? like he actively dissuades you from getting to know him. and the game really does not give you any other reason to until the very end, when you find out he was sketchy... but some people just do not care? and why would they? a ton of people played inquisition as their first game and would barely know who fen'harel is despite a few vague mentions in the temple of mythal and like... 2 codex entries. some people dont even read the codex entries. and all of this is made even more insane because all of this was necessarily for him to be in-character as a trickster god cosplaying as a nerdy loser. and a lot of fellow solas lovers write off criticism of him or people who just dont like him as automatically wrong and invalid because "he becomes what you think of him" and while thats true, he basically becomes Pride or Wisdom depending on how the player treats him, it still presents an insane conundrum that has led us to this point of contention. but the worst part is i literally dont even know what else they wouldve done?? like i dont have any fixes for this LMFAO. making him bestie coded just so people liked him going forward would be completely out of character. i just find it so interesting that we have ended up here, and while obviously im personally glad there is such a narrative focus on him because i love him, and i think the way he molds to the perception of the player reflects the "expectation makes reality" concept that exists in spirits is a brilliant narrative tool (that also further suggests he was originally a spirit), it also makes perfect sense to me how he has become so divisive with people interpreting him as two entirely different characters, literally an evil pride demon or a beloved wisdom spirit, and i wonder how they are going to continue it in veilguard

[ominousposting]

This is my first ever ask but I would love more hypermobile rain I read abandon your freedom by hypnoneghoul and its all I can think abt

i loved that fic and im glad that you sent me this ask! hypermobile rain is so very important to me as a fellow hypermobile person

read more under cut for convenience sake

okay so during rituals rain has a tendency to overextend their legs (namely their knees and ankles) so after rituals rain kinda has to deal with the aftermath. they always have a minor limp but it gets stronger after rituals due to them pushing themself so hard to preform.

usually they use some sort of mobility aid, i imagine they use either forearm crutches, a cane, or a wheelchair, depending on the severity and whether or not their other conditions are also acting up. they wear braces a lot but have a tendency to forget to wear them or avoid wearing them due to either fear of peoples reactions or just not having the energy to deal with putting them on/wearing them.

i find comfort in the idea of rain using mobility aids full time besides when preforming. its a situation where “yes this helps me a lot with moving safely and comfortably, but i wouldnt be able to preform while using them. i will take the pain in order to continue to preform” type of thing.

also i think the reason rain falls so much is bc of their hypermobility. knees giving out, hips cramping up and legs not holding weight, things like that happening and making them collapse.

the other ghouls are decently good at helping rain when their joints are acting up. fire and swiss both know how to relocate specific joints, aether and phoenix can both can use their magic to help them feel better, mountain and cumulus both know how to massage, things of that nature. basically their fellow ghouls make sure theyre helped in any way possible

i think that the parts of their body the most strongly effected by their hypermobility are their legs. again i state: just look at how that ghoul exists during rituals. they Look like their legs hurt. as well as the fact that rain does genuinely have a limp. also the thing they do with their legs when bowing seems to be a way of avoiding putting both legs on the ground, likely due to pain from all that exertion

also one of my biggest headcannons is that zephyr is also hypermobile and makes sure that rain takes care of themself to make sure they dont push their body TOO far and end up with serious consequences (what happened to zephyr). zephyr gave rain their first pair of forearm crutches and taught them coping mechanism to help keep their body going safely. rain is now helping phoenix in the same way

[maaarshieee]

im just gonna dump this here :'D

y/n, a renowned fighter of liyue and a secret agent of ningguang who is going undercover as a millelith (who was a part of the osial fight), was tasked to make the fatui harbinger, childe, leave without making it seem forceful. the fatui in liyue means that peace would never be with them. they awakened osial, therefore they had to make the harbinger leave without diplomatic issues. they had to do it in every single way possible without mistakes.

and what's the most effective way to win the harbinger's heart? it's to acknowledge him with kindness and pure and gentle heart. treating him in a nice way, greeting him and gifting him trinkets or handmade gifts.

y/n's plan is to act like his friend, someone he could trust. someone he could love. someone to build his future with. and after he falls for that, they push him away. curse him and tell him to never come back to liyue. blame him for everything. tell him that he's scary, that they will never trust someone like him. that he doesn't deserve anything.

except there's one clear flaw in their plan. they never anticipated that what if, they were the ones to fall in love with the harbinger? what if they get too attached to him to even break his heart?

of course, this completely tore apart y/n. not knowing what to do. break him and save liyue or be free and let liyue be. both have different consequences. and what did y/n do? they chose what their heart says.

- weekly anon

i know this is very similar with the scara one but but but but

⎯⎯ ୨ 𝐔𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 ୧ ⎯⎯

➢ Cʜɪʟᴅᴇ x Gɴ!Rᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

➢ 4.4k ᴡᴏʀᴅs ┊ Hᴇᴀᴠʏ ᴀɴɢsᴛ

➢ Mᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ

a/n - GOD WEEKLY ANON WHY. YOUR REQUESTS ARE SO GOOD BUT HONESLY ME AND MY BOO (who helps me story board) ARE AT A LOSS BC THE CONFLICT IS TOO GOOD. also weekly anon blame @iyagato for making me go through with this idea. not me writing your request again, I SWEAR I DONT HAVE ANON FAVORITES, this is actually punishment! /j. I'm not good at angst but i hope i delivered it nicely. OH YEAH THANKS FOR 700 FOLLOWRS! HOPE YOU LIKE THIS AS A GIFT >:))) titled "unintentional", have a nice day/night! also theme song? veil by keida suda

↬ cw: canon typical violence, major character death (guess who?), sword wielder & pyro user reader, reader just... experiences really sad shit so uh, tw, kinda some sexual innuendo at one part but you can read it both ways, blood, gore

The mission was simple enough, wasn't it?

Gain his trust. Shed him off his walls and deceive him when he least expects it. To allow himself to be vulnerable to you, to see you as a reliable comrade. To pretend to be someone he could love, to hold in his arms, to share his troubles with, to talk to about whatever comes to his mind, to be with someone he thought he could have a future with.

Truly, it was simple enough.

Lady Ningguang has entrusted this task to you, for you are capable enough to complete any mission the Lady has ever assigned to you. Be it 'cleansing' Liyue Harbor of 'filth', or simply gaining needed information, her beck and call. You were even graced by Lady Ningguang's access inside the Jade Chamber, which she's only ever allowed to her 3 secretaries and people she deeply trusts.

You swore loyalty under her command, for she never ceased to amaze you. From her glorious beauty, her dedication to her work, and her never-ending kindness to the inhabitants of Liyue, especially toward children.

"I have confidence that if this task were given to someone, rest assured you, out of everyone, can complete it." She says with a smile whilst you stood before her, hands behind your back with a bowed head, taking her words with immense gratitude. "The longer he, a Fatui Harbinger, stays in Liyue Harbor, peace will never be upon us."

You wholeheartedly believed in your Lady's words, nodding along as she continued to speak. She pushed a small unsuspecting folder toward you and allowed you to take it from her. Upon opening the folder, your eyes immediately scanned all the information in the papers.

"That folder is important. It contains his name, age, occupation, locations, favorites, and many more. Use it all to your advantage." Nodding once again, you held onto the folder tightly, giving your Lady a deep, respectful bow. Her last words to you ever since that day rang in your ears, engraving themselves into your brain because Archons forbid you to forget; "Don't fail me."

With pride, you took upon this mission in a stride, completely overestimating yourself. You may be a renowned warrior of Liyue, Lady Ningguang's trusted agent known for your prowess in battle and your seemingly endless adherence to your job, but there was something you never took into consideration.

That you were simply human.

Getting along with the Fatui Harbinger was a rather easy feat. He was friendly when you first approached in a guise; a part of the Millelith. From the information the papers inside the folder Lady Ningguang lent you, he loved battling against strong foes. So much so, he gains thrill even if he was injured. So how did you first greet the 11th member of the Fatui Harbingers?

Into a spar of course.

Soldiers would often say that archers were the weakest among the different sorts of fighters. That they cower behind in the backlines and only have knowledge for support. That they rely on long-range attacks merely because they freeze at the first sign of danger up close. You knew better of course. Archers are incredibly powerful on a battlefield. One skilled archer is enough to turn the tides of war; like death itself. You never know when an arrow would pierce through your chest or your forehead.

True fighters would know to never underestimate an enemy.

And you were proven right when you first battled Childe. You've never fought against an archer one-on-one but he fought vigorously against you, a sword wielder. His moves were fluid, flowing like water, an endless stream of aggressive and deadly strikes, similar to the Vision he has. It crashes upon you like tidal waves of stormy nights that shakes sailing ships until they flip and sink. With each strike he landed, the more you admired the strong fighter in front of you.

Childe fought differently than the other archers you've met. It was as if he merged the gracefulness of an archer with the violent characteristics similar to a berserker. He wore an exhilarated smile on his in the whole duration of your fight, you even heard him laugh when you catch him off guard.

He didn't underestimate you either, despite coming off quite arrogantly with each blow he dealt to you. It was a simple approach, yet you couldn't bring yourself to lose against him. How a person fought was enough to discern one's personality, in Childe's opinion, and he always finds himself breathless when you adjust the grip on your sword, baiting him and swinging in a direction he didn't expect, almost resulting in his loss.

You were cunning, a fighter who uses their boundless knowledge in the art of swordsmanship to the fullest. Dirty tricks? You've used them with a smug smirk on your face. Impenetrable defense? Powerful offense? You had it all, and it caught his full attention.

His water would extinguish the flames of your blade, but as quickly as they dispersed, they would flare back up like the burning determination in your eyes. He found himself truly captivated by the mesmerizing flames that licked and singed his skin.

In the end, you won. Nevertheless, seconds passed after Childe's defeat, you fell to the ground along with him, catching your breath and swallowing down the pain that was slowing growing in intensity the more the adrenaline that ran through your veins slowly faded.

Childe was admittedly impressed. The Millelith hadn't given him an impression by their rather lacking strength, but you? You must be one of the higher ranks! He learned a lot just by fighting you and felt awestruck by how remarkable a fighter you were. Unlike any battles he had recently fought, you displayed true sportsmanship with it comes to duels, commending his skills as an archer. When he told you that he uses the bow simply because he was less adept with it, you expressed genuine shock.

"Really? Most archers aren't capable of fighting well as you are against sword wielders on one-on-ones, and you're saying you're weakest with a bow?" You gave him a toothy grin, eyes wide and filled with wonder whilst the both of you walked towards Liuli Pavilion. Since Childe lost the spar you had moments ago, he had invited you for a dinner together, offering to pay for the expenses.

You accepted his offer with a fake smile (was it really?) on your face after you've shaken hands, putting away each other's weapons. "Mhm, believe it or not! You're quite a strong opponent, where did you learn how to wield your sword like that?" He queried, his gaze stuck on the person who defeated him.

You suppose you had nothing to hide, crossing your arms with pride as you said; "Well, my father was quite famous in Liyue, as I, for being an outstanding swordsman. He taught me everything I needed to know." With a nod, eyes meeting his azure ones. His fingers rubbed his chin, invested with your words.

Then, he nudged you with his elbow, a wide smile stretching his lips. "Care to share some of that knowledge?" He asks, wearing a hopeful expression.

You merely scoffed, raising a brow at the taller male beside you. "And why should I?"

Without missing a beat, he shot a smirk your way, crossing his arms as he narrowed his eyes. "So I can surely beat you in our next duel."

Breaking into fits of (genuine) laughter at his cocky attitude, you shook your head. "Oh? Then that gives me more reason not to tell you then." You remarked. But he only tutted at you, hair flowing prettily against the winds, "Awww, scared that I'll find your weakness? That an archer like me can beat your ass to the ground?" He said teasingly, the corners of his eyes crinkling in amusement.

For the first time in a while, you felt your heart race in anticipation. Though, back then, you had mistaken it as the fleeting sensation of victory beating in your heart. You had thought he had fallen into your trap when, unknowingly, you had fallen as well.

"Alright," You'd huff, "Bring it on."

It has been... months since you've seen the last of Lady Ningguang. Usually, you'd report to her Lady every few days, updating her about the progress of your mission.

Lately, though, a sense of dread would creep up toward your heart whenever you thought of visiting the Jade Chamber. Oddly enough, you felt eyes following you with every step you take, and because of that, you've grown incredibly weary and paranoid.

But you have a guess on what makes your heart waver when it comes to Lady Ningguang and your duties.

Childe.

Even the mere mention of his name makes you grit your teeth. For the past few months, the more this mission of yours went on, the more you grew to hate him.

You absolutely abhor him.

He made your seemingly effortless task drag on longer than you'd like. And despite being aware that gaining a person's trust was not like a leisure walk through Liyue Harbor, you hated every passing second you spent with him.

Childe was annoying, arrogant and you can't stand him. He would nag you for a spar so much that you'd have to hide across Liyue to avoid him, often asking a kind gentleman working in Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, named Zhongli, to distract the bothersome ginger who refused to leave you alone for some reason.

Asking him why he wants to stick around you so much was utterly fruitless, for he would blatantly lie to your face (just as much as you lie to him). "I want to score higher than you in our spars!", "Why can't I? Aren't we comrades?", "Getting tired of me already? Too bad!", and so on.

The moment he opens his mouth, you want to bury yourself in the ground, never to listen to his senseless blabbering. You hated so many things about him that you can list them.

You hate the cocky smile he'd always have when he walks up to you, asking you for a spar, his voice that would always get on your nerves, his bright, blue eyes that always seem to spark back to life whenever he looks at you, the way he always perks up when he hears you approaching because it's totally normal for people to memorize the sounds of another's footsteps, the way he's always eager to treat you dinner—

The way he makes your heart skips a beat whenever he laughs, the way he touches you oh so gently even though you're the one who kept beating him in fights, the way the tone of his voice changes whenever he speaks to you or says your name—

The way he makes your cheeks burn hotter than when you use your pyro vision whenever he shamelessly flirts with you 'as a joke', the way he makes butterflies flutter in your stomach whenever he sends you the most loving smile you've ever seen in your life, the way he never fails to make you feel so special because, for some reason, he's always so drawn to you, like a moth to a flame.

You hated Childe, and you had so many reasons for it, including making you fall for him. Hard.

At the moment, you were hiding from Childe again, watching Zhongli lead him away from where you hid. He had a pout on his lips, arms crossed as he clearly looked upset. You were a master at hide and seek, and he had never caught you once amidst your foolish games.

Once they were both out of sight, you leaned back against the tree you were on, the smile you once wore simply because you saw Childe acting so foolishly when it comes to you quickly morphed into a frown as you looked up into the skies, eyeing the Jade Chamber that infinitely hovered in the skies, casting a shadow all over Liyue. A place you once wanted to be part of, now a sight for sore eyes.

You wondered if Lady Ningguang knew. Of your inner turmoil, of your struggles, of your evident betrayal to your Lady, to Liyue. Thinking about it made your chest hurt, your hand clutching your chest. A younger version of you would surely be disgusted at your pathetic state. You? Who vowed to serve Lady Ningguang until your last breath? Whose resolve began to waver simply because of a man who's supposed to be your enemy?

A bitter laugh escaped your lips. How cruel. You once thought that this mission was the easiest one you've ever gotten. But it just grew harder when Childe ultimately asked you to be his lover.

And that was it.

A rejection followed by a fearful look, words that you knew would crush his heart and fake tears would be enough to wrap up your mission. To restore the faith Lady Ningguang had instilled in you, to make up for your traitorous mind...

But the way he caressed your cheek so tenderly, features softening at the mere sight of you, eyes both wary and filled with hope— Archons, you just couldn't. Not when you've dug your own grave, not when your heart beats for him.

On the day of his confession, he mistook your tears for joy. Instead, your tears were laced with unfathomable pain from the conflict that tore your heart. To serve Lady Ningguang and abide by your mission, or to betray your whole nation for the man who stole your heart?

The moment you realized you had fallen in love with Childe, a Fatui Harbinger, you willed yourself to avoid him at all costs. And when he sought you out, only to confess? You were devastated that he had fallen too. Fallen to the trap that fate had led you into, a trap both of you blindly waltzed in.

Once in a relationship, you prayed that he wouldn't notice. How your hands would tremble when he nears you, how your bottom lip would quiver when his were inches away, how your eyes grew teary when you feel his hot breath against your skin. It all felt so surreal, so addicting, you wanted more of him, to love him with all your heart, but indulging him made you feel sick.

Touching him felt like a sin, both to him and the country to which you once devoted yourself. His skin against yours burned you, accidentally flinching whenever he reaches for you, and your heart felt like it was being stabbed repeatedly.

You were so desperate for him, yearning for him, yet your heart ached when he utters those sweet words in your ears.

"I love you."

Archons, what have you done?

The words you spoke felt like shattered glass rolling off your tongue. Who knew simply talking would hurt so much?

But the weight was lifted off your chest once you finished speaking, a strong pair of arms wrapped around your trembling body, reassuring, but shaky words being whispered to your ear. You clung to him, hands gripping the back of his shirt.

To say that he was shocked was an understatement. He has his suspicions toward you (and ignored them), but he never would've thought the burdens you carried were to that extent. Childe understood now though. Why you acted so strangely despite accepting his confession. You truly did love him, but the guilt in your heart ate you from the inside.

He understood how you felt, so he held you in his arms tightly, refusing to let go of you until you tell him so. To quell the pain in your heart little by little, to kiss you whilst you shed tears, to touch you as if you were bound to fall apart as you unraveled yourself completely bare only for him to see.

And when you agreed to his suggestion, his heart rejoiced.

"Join me. Let's leave Liyue."

But things never go the way they should.

Lady Ningguang knew. Of course, she did. She knew of your plans of departure from Liyue, and she wouldn't stand idle anymore for a traitor like you.

It happened all too fast. One moment you were on patrolling as a faux Millelith soldier, and the next thing you knew, you were being chased by your peers all across Liyue Harbor.

They were at every corner you turned to, surrounding you and cornering you. You can't escape anymore, you were trapped. It was then that realization struck you; she had finally made her move.

You will regret this later on, but you summoned your sword and pointing it threateningly at the multiple soldiers that blocked your path. You were to join the Fatui soon enough, so there won't be any harm in starting now, right?

But before you could even swing your sword, you heard his voice, calling your name and clearing a path toward him. Your breath got caught in your throat as you almost cried in relief, turning to run to him, to finally leave Liyue once and for all. His arrival saved you from lifelong regrets of spilling blood.

But—

Childe's eyes widened, arm outstretching towards you as he shouted your name once more. But he was too far. Too late. You ran as fast as you could, but you never reached him. The world around him grew dark as the once peaceful, beautiful nights at the harbor grew distant and hot. It suffocated him, to watch you fall to the ground, the brilliant scarlet colors painted the road, reflecting disgustingly gorgeously against the moonlight.

"Ajax—" You choked out, more of the pretty hues of red splattering out your mouth as the sight of a spear piercing your chest—

Childe was skeptical of you at first. Who would just randomly go up to a stranger and ask them for a spar? He was glad he accepted it though, despite his doubts, because you proved to be a suitable sparring partner from then and so forth.

You fought like a true warrior. You reminded him of fire that blazed continuously no matter complication. A flame that refused to go out, a fire that with even the slightest spark, would burst into flames with dangerous heat. You refused to back down, even if he was a Hydro user, you ignited your flames once again, forcing your sword to burn him to ashes.

And you almost did, and it made his heart tumble inside his ribcage. His smile was difficult to contain, not when he's never felt such excitement in ages! You were different, you stood out among the foes he's fought before. You were unique and he needed to know what made you so special.

You gifted him the knowledge passed down by your father to you. Although he never understood why you would do such a thing to him back then when he was merely just of your acquaintance, you brought him into a whole new world when comprehending the art of weaponry.

"My father focused a lot on training the eyes." You'd state, holding a wooden sword for training purposes while Childe sat on the ground, crossed-legged, listening to every word. "The eye is an essential part of our art. If you trained hard enough, you can peer into someone's soul, quickly make a rough estimate of one's muscle structure, and pinpoint their weaknesses."

Childe, like the child he is, raised his arm as if he was a student wanting to inquire about his teacher. You loudly huffed at his behavior but never told him off. "Yes?" You arched a brow at him, a hand on your hip.

"Is that really possible or just an exaggeration?" He asked, and you were surprised it wasn't in a mocking manner. With a smile and a hum, you nodded proudly, gripping your sword, and got into an offensive stance.

"Hah! An exaggeration?" You snickered, "I only speak of the truth, my dear student. With it, you can anticipate your opponent's next move." Childe blinked, doubtful of what they just said, but nodded nevertheless, waiting for a clearer explanation.

"We sharpen our sights until it's comparable to a hawk's vision. We can see how a hand would clench the weapon it holds, the way the joints would move, the way a body's trajectory would shift, and much more." You recited as if you'd said this hundreds of times before. "We observe each movement, be it big or small."

He let out a sound of awe, eyes wide as he stared up at you, obviously impressed. "And you're teaching me such arts? Something passed down your family?" He asks, growing unsure as a small frown tugged the corners of his lips.

But his heart merely thrummed hard against his chest when you turned to him with a smile adorning your features, an unreadable emotion lingering in your eyes, but still shining brightly against the warm sun. Perhaps if he had this ability, then he would've known what you felt that day.

"For some reason, I trust that you would honor my family's way of the blade more than anyone in Liyue." You sighed, your gaze shifting away from him as you let a stray butterfly perch on your finger, the wind making your clothes flutter. "Of all the people I've fought, you bear what it really takes to be a warrior, despite the lust for battle hidden deep inside." Childe felt himself stiffen when you mentioned a part of him he hasn't shared with you just yet, but you simply giggled at his reaction, winking.

"It's what I've gathered by watching you how to fight."

And he let himself relax at that. After all, Childe was a firm believer of those words; How a person fought was enough to discern one's personality.

"But you did give it away rather obviously." You teased, only for Childe to frown once more, confused. "You laughed on the verge of losing."

His cheeks grew warm at that, a sheepish smile stretching his lips as rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. "Did I?" He chuckled, looking down at his lap, a sullen expression overtaking his features despite the laughter he forced. He knew at that moment that you'd think he was a weirdo. A creep who gets thrilled in bloodshed battles.

Though, you never cease to surprise him. Stepping in front of him, your shadow loomed over his figure and he raised his head to look up at you, expecting a look of disgust or mockery on your face, but it was just the same gentle face you always wore. Offering him a hand, he accepted it, and let himself be pulled upwards by you.

"I see no fault in it, Childe." You reassure, patting his back as you gave him a wooden sword to finally begin training. "Somethings are out of our control, so lend myself to you."

Childe sputtered, once again, surprised by your words and taking a step back, but you just chuckled at his reaction. "I'll spar with you if it helps quell this insatiable desire. Well, if that's what you'd like."

Speechless, he stood there dumbly, stuck in thought. A permanent sparring partner? Just to help suppress the consuming feeling to seek chaos and destruction? Torn, he couldn't help but crease his brows as he tried to make out any lies. But no, he couldn't see any. Your eyes only held sincerity, a patient smile carved on your lips.

Why are being so kind to him? Why, from then on, you decided to allow him to be your friend? Why did you crawl through the cracks of the faulty walls of his heart and made yourself a place inside it without his volition?

How cruel you were to invade his mind on a daily basis.

Your laughter reminded him of the sounds of chiming bells that hung outside of the homes in Liyue, harmonizing with the gentle breeze of the wind. Your smile held a warmth that he never knew he could once again feel in his heart. Your kindness, concern, gentleness— it made him weak in the knees.

You sparked life back into his dead, soulless eyes.

And you quickly snuffed them out once more, as if it was never there in the first place.

Like everything else that exists, your artistry of weaponry had a fatal flaw, and he could remember those words clearly.

"Our backside is one of the most vulnerable spots to users wielding this art. If an opponent was too quick for our eyes to reach them and attacks us from behind? We're good as dead if we don't improvise."

Maybe that's why you couldn't see the spear aimed at your back, piercing through your chest, right at your heart.

Childe grew to love the rains in Liyue, mostly because you loved them. You'd stomp onto puddles, running through the rain as you let the drops of water completely soak you entirely. You'd take his hands in yours, and dance with him under the rain. But no matter how dark the clouds were, you'd brighten up his surroundings, all it took was your loveable smile.

Though now, the intensity of the rain was not enough to clean the stain of your blood off his hands.

In the middle of the sea of bodies and diluting blood, Childe had your limp body in his hands. He couldn't save you. He wasn't fast enough, wasn't strong enough. Even with knowledge of your art, he couldn't have anticipated this.

In his veins, he only felt anger and despair, his heart torn to pieces as the one good thing in his life was stripped away from his hands once more. There were so many things he still wanted to tell you, to show you the beauty of Teyvat, to introduce you to his family—

But you were gone. The Vision that hung on your waist, dull and gray, the vibrant reddish-orange glow it once illuminated, gone, similar to your eyes that once held so much life. The fire that burned fervently has been completely extinguished. You have never felt so cold in his arms.

Was this your punishment for loving him? Was this her doing?

In the rain, he let himself break, burning hatred engulfing his heart as he glared at the Jade Chamber that proudly hovered amongst the stars.

There was one thing in his mind as he continued to grieve; the Jade Chamber will be no more.

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[selfundiagnosed]

One time i saw a tiktok on instagram that was the life of someone with intrusive thoughts and she was like “i should dye my hair” or some other impulse and this guy stitched it and was like hmm weird mine are more like “i should put my hand in this blender” and im like weird! youre both just experiencing impulsive thoughts not instrusive thoughts the modern dilution of psychobabble is so surreal..!!😭 one of U just experiences violent impulsive thoughts and the other has quirky ones. Neither are indicative of intrusive thoughts.. Intrusive thoughts are like having an omnipotent entity giving you flashes of images in your head of horrible things happening to you/your loved ones.. thinking “I should ___” is not an intrusive thought SHRUG sorry if that offends you or invalidates your violent impulses. its more like a horrible scenerio in which you would be so out of control that the thing would occur on accident. or would happen TO you. Its not an active conscious (albeit random) choice to be thinking about something. I should bite this chunk of lava (i know it would kill me but it seems satisfying to chomp into). and youre disturbed by the implications of dying trying to eat lava… it just isnt the same as an intrusive thought which is placed in your head by what feels like a secret 3rd party… and i fear this is why so many people think people with niche ocd subtypes MAKES you that thing. Why people are disgusted when they find out about pedophilia ocd. Gender identity ocd. Morality ocd. Saying you have intrusive thoughts about an awful timeline in which youre a pedophile or abuser means to them youre fantasizing about it because to the general population intrusive thoughts have been watered down to mean silly or even maybe insane impulses you know you shouldnt do but omg wouldnt it be sooo cool if you could do it just once with no consequences? in reality its as if your mind has conjured up your worst nightmare timeline without your control. It makes you become whatever you think society hates the most and this will be based on each person’s individual experiences navigating the world. Some real social taboos like being a rapist or imaginary ones based off cultural beliefs like being gay/transgender. All in all the dilution of this type of psychobabble effectively alienates mentally ill people from their own niche communities leaving us with no space to seek solidarity for our specific issues caused by our disorders. Sorry you think she isnt suffering because she has hair dye impulses and you have real impulses like put hand in blender but at the end of the day you guys both experience impulses like everyone else does. And heres the thing is we all experience intrusive thoughts like even neurotypicals they just dont present like “i should do x y z” that would be an impulse. they present like vivid gifs in your head like thats so raven style or maybe some other specific way that doesnt imply a conscious choice in whether youre acting on the thought or not. But im not Gd or your boss or your father so dont listen to me!

[archer3-13]

I HAVE COMPLETED ALL OF THE STARTING CLASS QUESTLINES IN FFXIV, SO HERES AN OFF THE CUFF COMPARISON OF THE STARTING CLASSES

this will all be subject to opinion of course, but idk i wanna do it.

starting with, how do each of the starting classes play before you upgrade to the proper jobs?

not well on the whole if im being honest. i dont think any one of the classes stand out in the below 30 range, a consequence of being the basic building blocks of the game but still. from best to worst

1 pugilist: its fast, it hits hard, its gimmick is easy to grasp, and it gives you a good collection of tools to easily slip in to how people generally play this insane game. the only bit i have a problem with would be steel peak and the chakra gauge, as steel peak feels pretty useless at the pugilist level [it hits slightly harder then a normal hit, but your basic combo is just better in every way then the set up it needs].

2 lancer: rather plain missionary as far as a dps class goes, though i feel thats to its benefit in many ways as its real simple to figure out and use. plus javelins are a nice poking tool as everyone charges recklessly ahead. what brings the class down somewhat is that it has no aoe before dragoon and that it feels sluggish compared to something like pugilist. hit sound effect is deliciously cronchy though.

3 archer: pretty much everything you'd realistically want from the class honestly, it feels a bit sluggish at the start but when ya unlock the aoe shooting the class quickly becomes one of the best for handling large groups of enemies. its solid all around if somewhat unexciting at times sitting in the back shooting arrows.

4 marauder/gladiator: putting them together because they play exactly the bloody same below 30. thankfully despite the worry i had going into a tanking class, i found myself rather enjoying the kit. the most difference between the two i'll note is that marauder is more aggressive well gladiator is more reactive as far as tanking goes. but again, at the below 30 level they play exactly the bloody same.

5 rogue: id like this class more if its kit was a bit bigger. like lancer its lacking aoe before upgrade but unlike lancer its kit is way too small to offer much variety in how you approach situations. plus the hide and backstab stuff is only really useful, so far anyways, in story moments or open world cheese. regardless, the class is fast and hits well so its feels exhilarating to use.

6 arcanist: its kinda intimidating when ya first get hold of it, but i find once ya get a grasp on the class its actually one of the more fun ones to play at low level. i feel it hits harder and faster then other magic classes, you can do a lot with it, and getting the rhythm for its use feels real satisfying.

7 conjurer: being a low level healer feels agonizing, your squishy, you cant hit too hard or fast, and the micromanaging feels daunting especially when your first getting used to the class. and when ya get the hang of it, it doesn't feel quite as rewarding as other classes as your generally stuck to the tanks ass, and if your arent stuck to the tanks ass then shits gone horribly wrong. atleast people seem to appreciate you more.

8 thaumaturge: unlike conjurer which was cursed by design as a basic bitch healer, thaumaturge feels awful to play on the whole in my experience. ironically you dont feel like your hitting as hard as the arcanist, your slower, the switching gauge gets annoying, and ya cant really do anything exciting with the class. i dont hate it, but i do think if a new player is starting with it, they'd get a pretty aggravating impression of the game.

and now, onto the stories of the class questlines themselves! again from best to worst

1 rogue: massively benefits from being the late comer. its more extensive, more cinematic, the character writing well not anything extraordinary is still solid overall, and well the quests can be a bit lengthy they do offer interesting things to do.

2 lancer: gets to rest at the top of the pile less because of anything specific it does and more so because of how it stands out. the only class quest line that functions as an honest to god tragedy/parable/whatever ya wanna call it which elevates it otherwise smaller nature compared to other class quests. i dont feel foulques is actually all that interesting of a character, and if another starting class questline took a similar approach as the lancer quests then i feel he'd be far less memorable [as hes just kinda a self important ass at the end of the day, despite his tragic backstory]. Still, in the lancer quests case, simplicity is elegance in that the quests are straightforward and the story direct in its impact. inelegant definitely. unique, definitely.

3 conjurer: its okay. doesn't trip over itself, says what it wants to say, and has you doing things that arent too much of a hassle. i really like its ending scene too where... conjurer girl finally properly connects with the nature magic vibes for the first time, and remarks on how much more alive everything now feels. its euphoric in a way, and makes the process of getting to the end refreshing.

4 pugilist: dumb but in a fun way, the quest stories for pugilist dont take themselves too seriously and just have fun with what they're doing and in that sense it makes the pugilist quests a lot more fun then i think they would be otherwise. its not a gutbuster, but its intentional comedy that lands which is to its favour. some of the quests themselves can be kinda annoying to do though.

5 archer: kinda bland and it trips over itself getting to the end. i like what its trying to do, taking two characters who follow diametric beliefs about archery and who get at each others throats, only to come together in the end to emphasize the benefits of cooperation, cultural exchanges and crosses, and to tie to archeries literal history within gridanias context. elezen dudes a bit too prickly though without getting enough redressing on the matter, miqo'te girl is underwritten which makes her struggles not land with as much weight as they should, and i feel the plot takes such a sharp turn into the poacher bandit thing that the ending lands with more of a whimper then a bang. plus the quests themselves can be rather annoying. still, it was trying to do something interesting and didn't completely fail in that regard.

6 gladiator: i like some of the character dynamics at play and the quests dont suck. the story is too ambitious for its actual runtime though, so everything feels rushed and underwritten, and theres nothing really at play here that connects too deeply to what it means to be a ffxiv gladiator either in terms of themes, setting or even just on a functional gameplay level like all of the above classes. those characters are the only thing holdin it at 6 really.

7 arcanist: im not a big fan on glasses characters so a story heavily featuring them and generic genius academic type characters who prattle on about statistics and probability or what not... well that wasn't gonna be a slam dunk for me. the plot for these ones also just feels meandering, and like the archer plot it takes a hard swerve into the new thing it introduces at the tail end to its own detriment, only even more so. at the end of the day im just not sure what they were trying to do here overall. plus some of the quests are kinda a pain to complete.

8 marauder: boooooooooring. not only is the story a drag, but its characters are not interesting in the slightest save for like... one joke about marauders not being good at subtly. plus its difficult to have a story where your antagonistic force is a monsterous animal that doesnt speak human, unless you really well characterize the monster or have good characters on the side. and the marauder quests dont do either of these. finally what doesn't help is that the quests themselves are kinda boring to play.

9 thaumaturge: this one legit pisses me off, and it has everything to do with the story and nothing to do with the characters. im not a big fan of the characters mind, but they're fine. whats happening though in terms of character actions and plot movement is just stupid though, especially that damn jar with the devil in it. and to top it off, the ending feels anti climatic as fuck! the one brother well possessed goes around killing at least a dozen people, yet theres no remark on the matter after the possession and the intended theme to be take away from all this is "believe in yourself :)". fuck this questline.

[its-a-hil]

ok. random question. literally from the random question generator at randomwordgenerator dot cahm: What's your go-to funny story now, but was horrendous at that moment?

(i think it gave me a question i already know but eh shoot)

hm.

alright i think this is actually more of the reverse than the forward direction, but sure

when i was in middle school, i was such a horrible procrastinator (note: i am still one of those) that i often wrote rough drafts of essays during lunch

(the one year in middle school i didnt do this was when i had english 1st period. tbh i wish my schedule had worked out like that all 3 years, but alas)

but i got so comfortable just throwing out words with a pencil that i kept doing it and now i almost never edit anything bc i need to write it all in one go or it's wrong

but final drafts still had to be typed & printed, so it was only my rough drafts that were like this

fast forward to high school, and rough drafts became less of a thing

my compulsion to procrastinate did not.

oh also relevant here is that i was emotionally incapable of asking for an extension or submitting online after class or anything

so.

senior year of high school. we had an essay to write on Twelfth Night, where we had to pick a word that was repeated a few times and discuss its effect on the story

i picked 'fancy' and used it to argue the absolute bullshit point that it meant the whole thing was a dream, because i had no other ideas and my brain refused to set aside time to do something more reasonable

except.

i did not begin writing until lunch of that day.

i did not have access to the computer lab i had planned to write the essay in.

i pleaded with a friend to lend me his laptop, on which i did the most frantic writing of my life. i dont remember if i ate any food during that lunch period.

(according to my diary i also said something shitty to that friend even as he was doing me a massive favor, which. god.)

looking at the document now (ty google drive), it seems that i didnt actually finish the essay, just wrote notes on the different uses of the word

im not sure if it was just a rough draft or notes kind of thing that was due, or if i lucked out and the essay was extended or something? unclear

but what is clear is that i wrote 440 words in just over an hour, and that's not counting the quotes i had to transcribe (which also made up over 400 words)

the following night i turned it into an actual 750ish word essay in also about an hour, bc. yeah. (i still didn't write an intro until i printed it out during study hall the next day lmao)

so anyway the essay was shit, the teacher was genuinely confused and pulled me aside after the class where she handed the essays back

note: she was also the theater teacher & that semester i was doing the play afterschool, and i think she knew i was better than what i handed in

:/

in my defense i was fairly depressed that couple of months, partially due to an responsibility that i did not realize i could easily say no to. the only consequence that refusing that responsibility would have had is that i would have hated myself less and possibly liked engineering more

oh also looking at my diary apparently that was also the week that i taught precalc bc the teacher's partner was suddenly out for paternity leave and i had an essentially free period during the precalc class

so yeah that's probably the third most interesting week of my senior after the week that we had the play performances and the week i was out in the hospital when my lungs spontaneously collapsed

the funniest part of that story is that it took me another 3ish years to realize that i wanted to be a teacher, and another 2 years after that to act on that desire. lmao

anyway bc im sure you freaks want to see it, im putting the essay under the cut

Actual essay:

Twelfth Night is one of Shakespeare’s most fantastical plays. Even without the use of magic, the supposedly realistic events are completely improbable. There is evidence that the play was intended to be a fantasy, and throughout the play, the word “fancy” is used to suggest to the audience that the events of the play are little more than a fanciful construction of Orsino’s mind. 

Orsino speaks four of the six instances of “fancy” or “fantasy.” Two of these instances come in his first monologue, right at the beginning of the play. He claims that “so full of shapes is fancy that it alone is high fantastical” (1.1.14-15). As Adams says, in this passage Orsino claims “that his own imagination is so fertile that it is supremely capricious and whimsical.” (Adams 58). It is odd that the play would start with this double mention of fancy, especially when the word is not mentioned again until the end of Act two. It is even stranger that the plot concludes with Orsino making Viola/Cesario his “fancy’s queen” (5.1.415). Although Feste finishes the play with his final song, this line is the last spoken by any other character, and is a natural conclusion to the play nonetheless. There must be a reason why the play both begins and ends with a word only used six times throughout. This is the most direct clue that the play does not merely describe events in Shakespeare’s mind, but instead describes events in Orsino’s mind. 

More clues can be found by examining the other uses of fancy in the play. Sebastian remarks “Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep” after encountering a smitten, and unfamiliar Olivia (4.1.65). This line comes in one of the more fantastical scenes in the play, where Sebastian enters Illyria and is mistaken by everyone for Cesario. Sebastian can only conclude “this is a dream,” and calls upon fancy - imagination - to keep him from waking up. Sebastian addresses fancy as a powerful being, that has the ability to manipulate the world he sees. If the play does take place in Orsino’s imagination, fancy would have this power. Another thing to note about Sebastian’s mention of fancy is that it is in reference to Olivia. Her love for him, and reproach of the men who were dueling him, is the only reason he would want to continue living in this dream.

Olivia is a common subject of fancy, as used in its alternate definition of love. Malvolio, just before seeing Maria’s letter, thinks aloud that “should [Olivia] fancy, it should be one of my complexion” (2.5.24-25). Almost all references to fancy are directly related to Olivia. In fact, every major male character, except her uncle, is in love with Olivia. It is difficult for Orsino to conceive of a character who is not enamored when in the presence of the beautiful lady Olivia.  To him, when Olivia enters, “heaven walks on earth” (5.1.99). 

Regarding the rest of Malvolio’s scene, it is no less strange than Sebastian’s. The dour puritan begins with a statement of love for his lady, and then follows the insane directions of a letter that apparently describes her love for him, while the pranksters hide and watch in a nearby bush. Orsino’s mentions of “fancy” also take place in strange scenes. Without touching on the chaotic mess that is 5.1, 1.1 regards a Duke, who has been laid low grieving over his unrequited love for Olivia. She, in turn, decides not to admit any suitors until she has spent seven entire years mourning her dead brother. This scene feels almost surreal, setting the stage for the play that is to follow. Since almost every instance of the word fancy comes during a surreal scene, it can be inferred that the word is an indicator - a message to the audience that this play is a fantasy in the mind of Orsino.

There is one more use of “fancy,” however. During the argument between Orsino and Viola, Orsino speaks of men’s fancies as “more longing, wavering… than women’s are” (2.4.41-42). Twelfth Night is certainly long, spanning three months in Illyria, and the play constantly wavers from uplifting to demeaning, from reasonable to insane. The play as a whole fits so well with Orsino’s description of his “fancies” that one must wonder why that particular description was used. Interpreting Twelfth Night as a fancy conjured up by Orsino’s stricken mind makes a good deal more sense than attempting to reconcile the events with the real world. 

Work Cited:Adams, B. (1978). Orsino and the Spirit of Love: Text, Syntax, and Sense In Twelfth Night, I. i. 1-15. Shakespeare Quarterly,29(1), 52-59. doi:10.2307/2869169

The notes i wrote during the lunch period:

The first appearance of the word comes during Orsino’s monologue. The grief-stricken man describes his lovesickness by referring to his imagining of fantasies involving Olivia. Fancy is “full of shapes” to hear him tell it, filled with all kinds of images (1.1.14). This implies an interesting idea of the plot; it may be nothing more than a lovesick dream conjured by Orsino’s mind. After all, the plot is as “high fantastical” as something a distressed lover might imagine. (1.1.15). 

Malvolio’s mention of fancy is also about love and imagining it. He talks about “her [Olivia’s] fancy,” but the context of the scene and the rest of his dialogue imply that he is the one who fancies Olivia (2.5.24).. Malvolio claims that Olivia has said she would fancy “one of my complexion,” indicating that Malvolio has, through confirmation bias and imagination, convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him even before reading Maria’s letter (2.5.25). The fact that Malvolio, the outwardly stalwart Puritan, is as fanciful and in love as Orsino is a strong device for making fun of the Puritans as Shakespeare was wont to do. 

Sebastian has his reference to fancy when he meets Olivia and finds that he is the object of her fancy. 

[Discussing of the other two quotes]

In Twelfth Night, characters mention fancy when in fantastical scenes. Orsino had neglected his duties as a Duke to be lovesick over Olivia, Malvolio convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him moments before happening upon a letter regarding Olivia’s love, Sebastian came to a foreign city and found that a woman he had never seen was madly in love with him, and the final scene is perhaps the most fanciful of them all. Everything comes together in a hilarious, satisfying, and utterly unrealistic way. The use of the word fancy indicates that a scene either was or will be fanciful. This implies that Shakespeare is breaking the fourth wall, drawing attention to works of the imagination when the audience may be considering the play as imagination. In that way, Shakespeare implies that this comedy, however nice it may seem, is just a lovesick fantasy in the mind of Duke Orsino. 

Note also that almost every mention of the word is in reference to Olivia. The only exception is when Orsino calls Viola his “fancy’s queen,” but Orsino could just be (Inception-style) trying to prove to himself that he can love another. That is why the timeline does not make sense; Orsino needed to believe that his mind was not so changeable, that he would need three months with another woman to move past his love for Olivia. 

Quotes:

1.1.14-15:

Orsino: “So full of shapes is fancy 

That it alone is high fantastical.”

Context: These lines conclude Orsino’s opening monologue about his lovesickness and passion for Olivia. The monologue is discordant throughout, and this line sounds very arrogant, that nobody but a lover could have an extreme imagination.

This quote illustrates Orsino’s arrogance about his position (which is expanded upon in his later argument with Viola) and tells the audience that Orsino has spent some time cooped up in his mansion thinking of Olivia. 

2.5.23-25

Malvolio: “I have heard herself come

thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one

of my complexion.“

Context: This comes just before Malvolio finds Maria’s letter, when he is fancying that Olivia might be in love with him. He has almost convinced himself of her love even before he sees Maria’s letter, which would be a strange coincidence if Twelfth Night was not a comedy. 

This quote describes Malvolio’s desperation to be loved by Olivia. He uses a few choice words and actions of Olivia as a justification for her love, indicating confirmation bias and lack of perspective. 

4.1.63-66

Sebastian: “What relish is in this? how runs the stream?

Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:

Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;

If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!”

Context: This comes just after Sebastian enters Illyria and finds a beautiful woman suddenly wish to marry him. It is so illogical that he believes he must be dreaming, and he wishes for fancy to keep him from waking up. 

This quote tells us that Sebastian is wondrous at his entrance to Illyria. He forgets about Antonio as soon as strange men wish to duel and a strange beautiful woman claims to be in love with him. Sebastian is far more relaxed than most people would be in this context, especially if they could not find Antonio, the only person he was close with for the past three months.

5.1.412-415

Orsino: “Cesario, come;

For so you shall be, while you are a man;

But when in other habits you are seen,

Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.”

Context: This is the last line spoken by any character except Feste. It comes after Orsino learns of Viola’s true identity and gives up his love for Olivia. 

This quote implies that Orsino still thinks of Viola as Cesario, at least while she is in men’s clothing. 

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

!!! Someone else who gets just about triggered by 'smoothsharking' of any kind.

Like im autistic and I dont get jokes like that well because im bad at 'lying as humor' and all smoothsharking sounds like to me is 'haha person who doesnt get a joke time to gaslight them instead of explaining the joke!'. It sounds like ableism dressed up pretty and fine because its a meme.

Id argue it IS gaslighting because its intentionally insisting to another person that something is what it isnt. The effect is just about the same as gaslighting, even if they dont explicitly intend to make us doubt reality.

Id see people post 'of course being mean to people who doing get jokes is wrong, always explain the joke uwu' and like 5 posts later do a smoothshark so many times its unreal.

The joke is explicitly meant to come at autistic folks ('its to make fun of joyless assholes who insist on correcting you about things, especially jokes because they arent accurate') like thats literally autistic folks... do they not realize?

The joke isnt explicitly meant to attack those who have problems staying firmly in reality (dissociative or psychotic issues and such), but it is VERY unfriendly to them.

Its just so frustrating to try to explain or ever talk about this or even talk about things in a very serious context and have 500 people come smoothshark you on purpose even though they know it upsets you.

Its vile. The joke is just ableism and im just so tired of it. I dont feel safe seeing those fucking jokes I wish it would die already.

The person who started it had good intentions probably, but what its become is just socially acceptable ableist abuse.

Hmm. I'm not sure I entirely agree? I'm pretty firmly in the camp of "don't attribute things to malice when negligence will do". I think this joke was likely *meant* to be wielded against "people who absolutely need to have the last word". That....unfortunately includes a lot of people who aren't as likely to understand they have the option to bow out of the encounter. This is not a recipe for happy times for anyone. I'm...not really interested in litigating who's experience of being collaterol damage to comedy is worse/more immediate on this one.

But yeah, I think that the total devotion to the bit created some real conflicting access needs around the bit that did not need to be there. And I definitely experienced (and saw) people using it on purpose in ways that seemed really intentionally mean spirited rather than collectively entertaining. This was a bad combination because, as always, it very easily made "why can't you take a joke" a plausibly deniable dismissal of any time the bit was taken too far or used cruelly. Good cover for those who rely on social conventions to escape consequences for doing harm.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Elisabeth von Österreich (1931) [Elisabeth of Austria]

Alright, Im not gonna lie, I didnt like this one very much

One of the big things that prevented me from really getting into this film was the audio. The volume was all over the place, especially in the beginning, with normal dialogue being way too quiet and stuff like a general (?) at the start yelling being way too loud, and it seemed like a lot of the dialogue was dubbed in, to the point where I thought that maybe they had to redub it years later in order to restore it or something, but the wikipedia page doesnt mention it so Im guessing it was just a consequence of sound being a very new thing in film at that point. There were also issues where I felt like they cut the audio weirdly. Like, during a lot of the silent moments you can hear some background noise that I guess the mics picked up on set, and whenever theres a longer silence they just completely cut that out so its dead-silent and it was very jarring when they went from that back to the dialogue. And it was kinda weird how there was basically no background music or score, but again, this was one of the earliest movies with sound, and it didnt take me out of the story too much, it was just something I noticed, so its not a big deal.

I also thought the pacing and editing were very strange; the movie as a whole had a very slow pace, as is typical for older films, and the editing usually matched that but then there were parts that were cut so sporadically, it was so weird. There were also parts that felt like comedy smashcuts. Like, there was this one bit where Rudolf talks to Mary after theyve been together for a while and after he's been engaged to Stephanie. He gives her a ring, she says something in disbelief (i dont remember what) and he says something to the effect of "And guess what else I did!" and then BAM! smashcut to Franz Joseph talking to the pope being like "He did WHAT??" talking about Rudolf requesting a divorce behind his back, or however you would say that in english. Honestly, this movie had a very weird tone, but I'll get into a bit later, for now I want to talk more about the pacing of the story in general, instead of just the pacing from scene-to-scene, because that also wasnt very good

It felt very meandering and aimless and really dragged on after a while, and Im not just saying that because it was slow compared to more modern movies and had a different story structure than Im used to. I know old movies tend to be slow and I admit that I dont have the longest attention span, but Ive seen a few films from the 1920s-30s and found some of them pretty engaging before so its not just that. I think its the fact that theres no real throughline, its just a series of vignettes that dont feel connected by much more than the fact that they all star the same few characters. Theres no theme or really a point other than portraying Elisabeth's life from shortly before the birth of Rudolf up to her death, and I dont think that was executed very well. One thing that particularly bothered me was how the story would just jump ahead several years or months with basically no visual indication that any time had passed. Like, okay, let me briefly describe to you four scenes that mostly happen one after another towards the beginning of the movie:

Elisabeth is at a concert/dance performance-type thing and starts feeling faint so she leaves the room and her servants tell her to go to bed

A doctor is in Elisabeth's room when Franz Joseph comes in, he tells him that she's pregnant and needs the most rest, leaves, then we see Franz Joseph and Elisabeth be excited about their new child

Sometime after Rudolf is born, Elisabeth is still resting in bed and asks one of her servants to bring him to her, she tells her that he's gone and with Sophie which upsets her. Then Franz Joseph comes up to her and asks her why shes so upset and they argue for a bit

A bunch of business men have an audience with Franz Joseph to tell him that business has been getting worse because the empress hasnt been in Vienna for years and ask him to get her to come back, to which hes just like "sorry, the doctor prescribed her some time in the mountains, theres nothing I can do"

like huh??? And then shortly after that we already see Rudolf as a grown adult with absolutely no transition! I swear, its like a worse version of the second act of Elisabeth das Musical

Speaking of Rudolf, I felt like he took up an awful lot of screen time in this film called "Elisabeth of Austria". And I dont think I would have minded it if his storyline was executed in an interesting way, but it wasnt. I thought it was very shallow and honestly, if I didnt know the historical context I would've found the scene where he commits suicide extremely confusing. As it stands, I just think it was badly executed. Like, he goes to (what I assume to be) his house in Mayerling where a bunch of his friends are having fun, theres music and women and alcohol, Mary is waiting for him in another room, he excuses himself to go to her, tells her about how his request for a divorce didnt come through and that theres only one option for them now, then we cut to this extended bit of all the men getting more and more jovial (I think some of them start singing) and then theres two shots from the other room and everything goes quiet for a long moment before they go to check on them and find them dead. Idk, it doesnt sound that bad when I just lay it out like that, but I dont think its as impactful as it should have been on its own, and also just didnt have the necessary buildup to make it impactful

This ties in really well into another complaint I have, which is that none of main characters (Elisabeth, Franz Joseph, Rudolf) felt fleshed out. They were so shallow and their interactions with eachother were very stiff which really didnt help, although granted, that might just be because its an old movie about monarchs from the late 19th century, so that could just be a case of there being different social conventions at play than Im used to. In any case, Elisabeth was probably the strongest character, I thought she had some good interactions with her ladies-in-waiting and I thought her scenes with Rudolf were sweet and I enjoyed them, even though I wouldve liked their relationship to be less straightforwardly good and a bit more complicated. I will say though, despite thinking that Elisabeth is the best written character, I found it weird how the very beginning of the film makes her seem naive and out-of-touch with her empresshood as though she only recently got married to Franz Joseph, but then they later establish that this is only a while before Rudolf's birth, so she's been at this for some time. I mean, she even says, during that argument with Franz Joseph after Sophie took Rudolf, "Ive gotten used to being in a golden cage by now"

Speaking of the beginning, remember how I said that the movie had kindof a weird tone but that I was gonna talk about it in detail later? Later is now.

The first 10 (or maybe 20, I didnt have a good sense of time watching this) minutes act as essentially an introduction to Elisabeth (and to a lesser extend Franz Joseph and Sophie, who basically disappears after this timeslot) and theyre so much sillier and more light-hearted than the rest of the film. Like, from these first few minutes I thought this was basically going to be a kind of proto-version of the Sissi-trilogy in terms of tone, but instead it was..... whatever it actually was. Honestly, now that Im actually trying to write about my issues with the tone of this movie, Im struggling to really describe what those are. Maybe its the fact that it didnt really make me feel anything other than like, "interested" i guess; it was an interesting watch because it was made in a completely different time and you notice that no matter what you focus on, the cinematography, the sets, the acting, the way the imperial monarchy is presented, but I just could not get genuinely invested, which made the emotional moments pretty much all fall flat, and I think thats the main reason why the tone was so strange to me.

Although to be fair, there was one emotional moment that I thought was good, and by one moment I mean two moments that I unfortunately only half-like.

Moment One was Elisabeth being told of Rudolf's suicide. While all the stuff at Mayerling happens and one of the guys there gets sent off to deliver the news of Rudolf's death to his family, shes sitting in her room being read poetry by her lady-in-waiting. The messenger tells the news to the guards stationed in front of Elisabeth's door, then we see one of the guards enter her room and theres a beat and then we just hear Elisabeth's anguished crying while the guard and her lady-in-waiting leave and the camera never leaves this hallway in front of her room, I think its very strong. Or, I thought it was very strong, because it seems that had mixed up the two women and Elisabeth was actually the one who left the room and I guess her lady-in-waiting was the one who cried ? Idk man, this is a black and white movie where most of the characters dress kindof similarly and the version that I watched didnt have the best image quality, so despite my best efforts and despite the fact that I did not look at my phone once during my whole watchthrough (which is something I have difficulties with) I kept mixing up characters. In hindsight, that definitely contributed a lot to my struggling to get invested

But anyway, Moment Two actually comes right after the first one. The reason Elisabeth left her room was to tell Franz Joseph right away. He's working at his desk and kind of dismissively asks her something to the effect of "huh, how come youre up so early?" when she comes in and Elisabeth doesnt acknowledge it at all, she just tells him but you can tell that she's struggling to even say the words and trying so hard not to completely break down, I think her actress, Lil Dagover, was really strong here. I just wish we couldve actually seen her face and the emotions on her face and didnt just have to hear them in her voice, because most of this scene consists of this closeup of Franz Joseph dropping a pen or a cigarette and then clenching his hand and then burying his head in his hands and crying, and its just like come onnnnnnnn, show me Elisabeth's face! This is her movie and I do NOT care about Franz Joseph!!

Whatever. I was just about to wrap it up because this review is getting long and Ive spent hours writing it already, but I just remembered something that I actually wanted to bring up while talking about tonal issues but then briefly forgot about, and I cant figure out how to organically add it to that section of the post, so Im just tacking it on at the end. Atleast its not completely out-of-place since Im gonna talk about the end of the film, which seems like a fitting end to this review.

Obviously its Elisabeth with her lady-in-waiting in Geneva, about to board the ship when she suddenly gets stabbed. Elisabeth falls to the ground while her lady-in-waiting freaks out a bit, but she just stands back up and brushes it off ?? And like, her lady-in-waiting more or less stops being concerned as well after Elisabeth says shes fine, they just walk towards the ship at a leisurely stroll like nothing even happened. Like, did she not actually get stabbed? is she not actively bleeding out?? And this is intercut with this whole crowd of people swarming around the guy who stabbed her and theyre yelling at him, but theyre yelling like "thief!" and not "murderer!" for some reason?? Elisabeth does start to sway while she's boarding the ship and the other passengers notice, but theyre not like "holy shit, she's bleeding out!" theyre just like "oh, she looks sick" huh??? So then she collapses and they bring her to the ship doctor and they do give her a bandage to cover her unacknowledged wound with, its very strange.

And then she properly dies, this is actually another moment that I find quite effective. The doctor tries to speak to her but she's already delirious and mutters some unintelligable nonsense, getting increasingly quieter until she's silent, then we get this shot of the back of her head as she slowly lifts her head to look backwards directly into the camera. I thought she was gonna have some poignant last words here, but she just goes stiff and then the doctor closes her eyes. Right after I watched it, I thought this last shot was unsettling in a horrorstory kind of way and found it inappropriate, but after thinking about it more and replaying it in my head a few times, I actually found it unsettling in a way that I feel is appropriate for a depiction of a person dying and pretty effective.

So yeah, all in all, while this movie certainly isnt the worst thing Ive ever seen, it does get a big thumbs down from me 👎

Before you go, heres two small, kinda stupid things that I couldnt fit anywhere else but didnt want to not mention:

For that concert/dance performance-thing they put Elisabeth in that white dress with the flowers (or stars?) in her hair from that one really iconic painting, and it looks bad. Or, well, it doesnt look bad in a vacuum, but I think its a bad recreation of a very gorgeous dress. I expect that most of the Sissi-movies will feature that dress at some and I'll be sure to pay close attention to how good it looks there too

The scene where Rudolf gives Mary a ring takes place in what appears to be his bedroom and his bed is just standing right in the middle with two bigass lamps next to it, why would you do that

[substanceuser971]

made the connection between my addictive tendencies and my attachment issues both stemming partly from a feeling of wanting to recreate initial happy memories. it feels like other people are able to move on with their lives easier than im able to. people seem to n=be able to move on from me as soon as i stop being interesting and novel to them, while im stuck wanting to keep replaying what we had when we started, and it plays out the same way with drugs, trying to recreate that same way i felt those first few times i got drunk or high. it feels like i keep trying to create a tiny little time loop that i can live in forever instead of accepting when things arent as good as they used to be. and one feeds into the other too, people have left me for struggling with substance dependence and i depend on booze and weed to cope with feeling abandoned. its a really vicious cycle

ive been doing pretty okay with staying sober lately, but its mostly because i cant afford to stock back up on weed and the only alcohol i have is beer which isnt kosher for passover. today my landlord and his friend came over to do some renovations and they shared a joint with me, and it felt great to finally get high again but i also feel like it sent my brain right back into the mindset of needing to get high daily and keep it in my system. another part of why i get intoxicated so much is because i get fucking horrifically bored and understimulated, and weed and booze are the easiest way to stave off the feeling, so lately ive been trying to put my energy into hobbies and find other ways to stay stimulated as replacement behaviors for using. its been effective and its been a great feeling to be more productive and have more mental capacity to do things i enjoy. but after smoking this afternoon, once i came down from the high, i felt more bored than i have in a good while. the experience makes me think that maybe pot in particular causes me to be dependent on it to fight off boredom, and the lack of boredom it temporarily provides me makes anything i do while sober feel more boring by comparison.

honestly, i dont have faith right now that ill be able to refrain from buying more weed as soon as my paycheck comes in. my finances really arent great, but i have a slight buffer from my upcoming tax return covering my rent for may, and its way too easy for me to just take a bus downtown and hit up one of the many many dispensaries we have here. i can try to put it off for as long as possible, but itll only take a quick moment of my self control faltering enough for me to end up on the bus and then ill come home with enough flower to last me at least a couple weeks. sunk cost fallacy, if ive already bought the bus pass ill feel guilty if i just change my mind and go right back home. maybe if that happens, i can try replacing a dispensary trip with a bit of wandering downtown, check out the shops i havent gotten to see yet and maybe buy myself a cheap trinket or two, or a little snack. i think that would be a good idea, and it would most likely be cheaper without making me feel like i wasted money on the bus pass. i might try to do that if i end up on my way to a dispensary. but really, i dont know if i have the self control to keep from restocking my stash even with that backup plan in place, because its just so fucking easy to get my hands on it as long as i have the money to pay for it, and its so tempting because it feels so good to get high that i end up disregarding the consequences until they hit me.

it feels better waking up in the morning when i fell asleep sober. in the past couple weeks, when ive barely gotten high or drunk, its been a lot less of a pain getting out of bed in the morning, and i always feel groggier on the mornings after using. its uncomfortable and i dont like how hard it is to wake up. on the other hand though, my insomnia has been a lot harder to control since ive had to cut back on weed. it was far from fixed even when i was getting high nightly, but it at least kept my brain fro buzzing so much that i couldnt relax. lately i keep staying awake for like 30 hours at a time even though i get delirious staying awake that long. even right now i just feel exhausted and i want to sleep, but i have too much going on in my brain thats demanding i stay awake and Do Things despite being too sleep deprived to actually do much of anything effectively. im pretty sure i have some kind of sleep disorder, because ive struggled with insomnia and fucked up sleep patterns for years, but i also kind of think cutting back on cannabis could be exacerbating it. the joint from earlier got left with me, and we all only took a couple hits, so ive still got like half a joint left and its tempting to smoke a little more. i think the main things stopping me are the fact that my body feels too exhausted to get out of bed, and the fear of rekindling my dependence on it only to have to go without weed for a few more days.

[antisocialxconstruct]

in regards to the time loop question, I dont think I would end up killing someone, if I did it would have to be bc they forced my hand or there was no escaping it. Otherwise I wouldnt be able to live with the idea that I have to remember that action, even if no one else does. the consequences wont affect the world but it will live on in my memory, and ultimately effect my psyche in future time loops... I think I just wouldnt want to bear that especially if Im in a time loop and with no idea if it will be forever or if there would even be a way out 🤔

🦇

That seems to be the most unanimous feeling and I do find it really interesting. Almost everyone who's responded has stated some variety of "even if it wasn't permanent, had no lasting impact on the world or anyone involved, and no one but me ever knew I had done it, I couldn't live with myself" and I'm so compelled by the fact that nearly everyone seems to agree on that because I genuinely do not get it LOL I'm glad none of us will ever be trapped in a time loop for real though, it seems like it would cause a lot of stress.

[sl33pyperson]

threats on the table: solas (ofc, hes the name of the game), venatori (gotten stronger in power after inquisition apparently? ive frantically been reading wiki pages), red lyrium templars (meredith wants to Wipe Out tevinter.)

this rant got kinda long and im just spitballing so

super scared we’re gonna get the venatori/tevinter vs templars plot treated really similar to the general mage n templar war, “wow inquisitor you chose One Option and now its over congrats! dont think about the consequences or ripple effect of any of these actions it doesnt matter! you just have a different skin on your soldiers!“

solas taking the red templars and using them to cause general chaos? yeah? hes used the venatori for his own means before?? i might just be misremembering what solas actually wants, but tldr its tearing down the veil to bring back old days where spirits n magic was everywhere? red templars seem P Bad for that plan then

WAIT THE BOOKS ARE ACTUALLY IMPORTANT IM JUST. GONNA COPY PASTE ALOT OF THINGS FROM THE WIKI 

“The Carta assassin says that Solas wants the lyrium idol, retrieved from Meredith's statue thanks to a potion” “The Orlesian bard claims that he saw Solas retrieve the idol from an auction house“ “Their stories indicate that Solas has already started the ritual he intends to use to restore the elven empire, that it involves and has already started to affect the Fade, and that it requires the lyrium idol.“ theres another book where a venatori danarius has stolen the idol from something but the wiki says thats probably Before The Dread Wolf Take You

solas is literally using red lyrium to break down the veil!!!!! having meredith and her soliders everywhere would be so useful as conductors for whatever the fuck he wants to do???

screaming crying but its also the taint!!!! if theres another fucking archdemon im going to die!!!! but the wardens literally wanted to prematurely bring along the rest of the “blights“ by killing the sleeping archdemons so aoudhssdafiuhdf

bring along the world you destroyed previously by destroying the current world!!! fucking THANKS solas!!!!!

i got so fucking. distracted by solas i forgot the main bit of why i started this.

Who You Choose As Divine Is Really Important For How Many Templars There Are

also considering that REALLY good post going around about “why tf did divine justinia even make the inquistion in the first place“ “so she could destroy the mages and have the seekers as better templars but everywhere“

LELIANA: destroys circles as a whole, templars would still be around as a form of “security“ and shitty cop sbc i really doubt the chantries everywhere would give them up. theres still demons and possessions and ppl dont let go of the old ways. CONSIDER!!!! you can literally kill leliana in dao. she could be a spirit. shes also in the absolution mission scenes (still think she would do that even as divine but whatever) i really fucking doubt they would choose leliana as biowares canon, bc they hate mages, u can kill her, circles in nevarra are still mentioned in absolution.

CASS: reinvents a new form of circle and templar order. templars still around. she is STILL working for the inquisition tho, so like, i really doubt shes the canon one purely bc of absolution. if they didnt show cass giving those orders i would be less hard about this.

VIVIENNE: hardens up both circles and templars in the old way. oh my god. so many templars everywhere i bet, i forgot specifics its been a really long time but like. it seems like most likely at this point. vivienne is around no matter what, she doesnt care for the inquisition, shes the most “Eh, doesnt matter that much to other character choices“ one around

tldr oh my god if the red templars are actually able to go and infect other templars, and if vivienne is divine, they’re gonna have a huge fucking army and that makes them scary!!! i also hope who is divine changes the number or the tactics of the red templar army in game. but its bioware so prob not alas

[aconfusedbee]

i will never forget that feeling, always hated celebrated my own birthdays knowing damn well no one else cared enough to shower me with love that day, and i knew this year wouldnt be different and after all you knew how much i hated that day, supposed to be dedicated to me and to be grateful im alive, yet you put salt in my wound and made what you knew was more effective towards me, sadly i had to smile and pretend life was good and perfect yet every step i would take felt like the utmost of hell, i feel unreal and like i wanted to explode and scream untuk my throat aches. i did things i was not proud of and the pain was there still, yet no repercutions for you nor any care from your part was there, was it love if it vanished the moment i stopped being yours? it was not a moment to celebrate after all the damage you did to me yet you were there, prompting and showing around like you did nothing wrong and i was a dramatic witch who was was to blame, i havent been myself since what you did and tho i tried to look my best even in my worst i still hated you, hated how much i loved you and how much i went through being with you for all of that to happen, unfairness at its finest isn’t? i played the part quite well tho, no one else deserves to know how much you affected me and how much of me i lost those time because of you and your actions, such a hypocrite claiming to be the love of my life and then hurting me in ways i never knew i could be hurt, no one did it the way you did and i must praise you for that, you made me feel a new type of pain that i hope to never sense again, but of course deep wound lead to scars dont they? scars that take long to heal and ache every shower you take, scars that i will heal myself so one else has the luxury of seeing them. no one saw the mess i was around you, before during and after, and i intend to keep it that way forever because you do not deserve my pain nor the pleasure of knowing how much you made me suffer, no one saw me weeping every night and day making the passing by meaninglessly since i made sure to never let it affect me academically, no, you wouldnt fuck me over that way, i wouldnt let you have that advantage over me, ever. i cried, i screamed, countless nights with an enormous pain in my stomach, an emptiness that yearns your love, was it even love? what we had was it ever love? or was me accepting what i had because there was nothing left for me to hold onto. so i grew dependant on you, i had no one else but you so i loweres my standards and allowed all the things you did and said to me, i loved you because i had nothing else to love and with time it became something so big because i needed it, i loved you and lost myself in the process but frankly there was not much to begin with. didnt realize how much you affected me until it was gone, then i yearned for you because it was all i knew, all i’ve been having for so long so it just felt weird not having ir but what you did was not ok, it was not correct not right, you were so unfair i wanted to break, did you know how much advantage you had? putting me against the sword and the wall and isolating me to the point where i couldnt leave. then leaving me yourself so i felt like i was at fault and then let me to rot, let me to rot on my birthday and before, and then forcing us to seem perfect in front of everyone else because you knew i had no other choice no other option. you were such a mastermind, or was my demeanor that betrayed me into it? maybe both, i had such a soft spot for you for so long that frankly breaking your heart worried me more than the fact that i was breaking mine every day i was around you, i would wish you the worst and insult you but theres no point now, youre suffering the consequences of your own actions and i hope you wake up one day and realize your wrongs

[notabled-noodle]

So ive done some thinking about ADHD

And ik this isn't a diagnostic trait

But I've heard lots of psychologists and psychiatrists and even diagnosed people, mention how adhd people keep on making the same mistakes over and over again cuz they "forget" the outcome that they've witnessed every single time

At first when i started wondering whether i had ADHD or not, that didnt sound like me. Im an anxious person, I triple check whatever I'm gonna do before I do it . Odering food online?? I reread the ingredients and the order 4 times before pressing order. Going to use the bus? I check the time schedule over and over even tho ik i cant have seen the wrong timethe 5 times i checked and rechecked it. So basically I usually leave no room for myself to make mistakes and If i make one I take it hard and never ever make it...

Or so i thought.

The respective mistakes that I make dont affect others. Thats the difference. No one else can spot them other than me. Cuz they don't change anyone's day, mood etc

I think that some subtle mistakes that people with adhd could be repeating are:

Sleeping. Every single day, I promise myself to sleep early to atleast get 8 hours of sleep. And every single night I forget my promise and I just end up finding myself thrown in a crazy rabbit hole in the midst of the night and going to sleep real late and getting barely 5 hours of sleep. Do i understand that its a mistake? Yeah. But do I at the moment forget the outcome? Also yeah.

Doing chores such as laundry, the dishes etc. These tasks are the hell of a neurodivergent person whether its due to a sensory issue, procrastination, the task being too boring? Who knows depends on the person. Often times i find my laundry and dishes piling up and i find myself scared of begining. I make excuses, I give myself a hard time cuz if I have time for washing the dishes then I have time to work/study etc. And yet every single time when i get the motivation and energy to do the dishes...i finish quite fast?? And i always regret not washing them?? Like no matter how many times i do the dishes i always end up convincing myself its some huge hard mission that needs total focua and total lack of responsibiliies

Now Idk if all what i said makes sense. Ive barely known about adhd for a year now. I read up on it to understand a friend whom said they believed to have it..and oh god did i hesitate about it in the beginning. But I did a lot of research and ive related to lots of stuff before deciding on self diagnosing. The main problem was that my symptoms presented subtly and it was hard for me to distinguish them.

I'm sending you this long ask cuz I know how knowledgeable you are on this topic and also because I read all of your posts and find myself agreeing with them

Do you think that these traits could be associated with adhd? Also what other times do you believe people with ADHD end up forgetting about an experience they would have learned about quiet fast were they neurotypical?

yeah, this often comes down to impulsivity, short-term memory problems, and not necessarily being able to think about things in a “cause and effect” way.

the anxiety and the desire to check, double-check, and triple-check everything can come as a direct result of years of being punished for impulsivity. over time, people with ADHD can learn what actions have a negative effect on others, and alter their behaviour to suit. it can be a lot harder to do this when you’re the only one suffering the consequences — you need a lot more self-control as opposed to externally enforced rules and boundaries.

in my experience, people with ADHD seem to be fairly good at breaking things down into past self, present self, and future self. the problem is that we see the future self as a completely different person to the present self. i.e. thinking “I’ll be able to do this tomorrow”, despite having no evidence that you’ll magically be able to learn those skills in 24 hours time.

the examples you included were pretty good! other instances of this could be:

procrastinating hygiene related things, even if you have the energy to do them right now — giving your future self those responsibilities because you’d rather be doing something else right now

quitting a bad habit or starting up a new one — you may want to reduce your screen time, but right now you also really want to see that new YouTube video and oh well, might as well start being good about it tomorrow

generally building tasks up in your head to be harder than they actually are, which then causes the tasks to build up, which makes them even harder than they would’ve been if you’d just done it straight away (a vicious cycle)

in behavioural economics, you’d say that someone with ADHD has intense “future discounting”. that is, we predict that the suffering of tomorrow will be less than the suffering of today. and we also predict that the joy of today will be reduced if we saved that joy until tomorrow. it can be challenging for someone with ADHD to process the concept of “delayed gratification”, because we can’t accurately imagine the reality of our future selves.

I hope this answered your question, and that it helped!