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stomp-that-ho-regard · 3 years

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I typically don’t do asks (I've only ever gotten a few), but a recent one got my gears turning and I wanted to reply.

(This is a secondary blog, so I can’t answer asks in the usual way.)

Your post about the retcon is so fucking good, I wish every critter saw it and actually thought about how shitty it was done, but then their belief in the cast and show would probably start cracking.

Thank you for liking the retcon post. I’ve seen various people in the tags thank me for making that post and have said that it’s helped them ‘feel less insane’. None of us are insane. We are not delusional. We didn’t experience a mass hallucination. These things happened, and they’ve been thoroughly documented. Hundreds of hours of material over the course of three years.

The people who should read that post won’t ever see it because I have all those assholes blocked lol. If they did manage to find it somehow, I know they would just mock it, as they’re wont to do with any of our criticisms. They’re so far up CR’s ass, they’ve convinced themselves that a retcon didn’t happen. Even shoving the literal definition of the word in their faces wouldn’t wake them up.

It's just so fucking weird to see how the group is acting now, and I'm pretty sure we're never gonna get a Laura&Marisha episode picture and a TM episode with those 2 for the rest of the campaign. It feels like when a non-canon wlw ship gets big on a TV show and suddenly the actresses can't be seen or interact with each other anymore🙄 it's the same fucking pattern and like you, I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this on a d&d show.

I specifically want to address the “It feels like when a non-canon wlw ship gets big on a TV show and suddenly the actresses can't be seen or interact with each other anymore” because I’ve thought about that pattern too. (Not so much with Marisha/Laura ‘cause them being on TM together is already a rare combo. If they don’t appear much or at all going forward, I don’t think it’s because of this, though it really wouldn’t surprise me. But, I have been thinking about that specific pattern in regard to their characters.)

I can make a comparison between this situation and what happened with the show A/gent Carter and the way the ship Cart/inelli was handled.

I know that might sound weird, but stay with me here lol...

I want to make it clear that I’m not comparing the relationships at all. Cart/inelli did not have nearly the same amount of build-up and depth as Beaujester, (or quite frankly, their level of possibility.) What I am comparing is the creators over-the-top reactions to these characters being shipped so hard and the extreme measures they went to in order to ‘remedy’ that.

The ship included P/eggy Carter and A/ngie Martinelli. The show was set in New York. Angie was a waitress (who wanted to be an actress/be on Broadway) at the diner that Peggy frequented. They ended up talking quite a bit and became fairly close. That ended up kind of becoming the core relationship in the entire first season, and LOTS of people started shipping it.

At the time, no one was calling us crazy or delusional. At most it was, “This is ABC! They’re not gonna pair her with a woman!” and of course the obligatory “But Peggy’s not gay!”. But no one was calling us names or being generally cruel. And anyone who tried it was ignored because everyone else drowned them out. The ship became extremely popular on Tumblr and Twitter. Both actresses were very positive and supportive. They regularly liked/retweeted romantic Cart/inelli fanart on Twitter. Even one of the female writers on the show got behind it too. It was asked about frequently at conventions and no one booed or rolled their eyes. The questions were never dismissed or made into a joke. (Honestly, this was one of the better overall fandom experiences I’ve had on here.)

And all of us were super excited for S2. Not just because of all the support, but because they had ended S1 with Peggy and Angie moving in together. Peggy had purchased, either it was a really fancy apartment or house (my memory is fuzzy on this), and she literally asked Angie to stay with her. Needless to say, that fueled the flames even more.

But despite the actresses and at least one writer being on board, between S1 and S2, something shifted.

Clearly, the showrunner and/or the execs, took a look at all of this and deemed it a ‘problem’. When S2 finally came around, suddenly everything was different. Instead of both of them living together in New York, instead of it being an organic (I’m beginning to hate that word) continuation from where they left off, Peggy decided to move to Los Angeles to do work for some agency out there or something, and Angie stayed in New York. It’s never explained why. It’s never explained why a woman who so badly wanted to be an actress would NOT want to go to LA, where Hollywood is. LA was never mentioned in S1. There were no hints that Peggy might want to fly out to the West Coast at some point. She seemed perfectly happy in NY, basically setting up house with Angie.

And they didn’t even ease into the change. They just got rid of the character. The actress was bummed about it and Cart/inelli fans tried to put pressure on the showrunner/writers to bring Angie back, which the actress completely supported, but even that fell on deaf ears. So, Angie was simply no longer an entity on that show. Conveniently removed. All the excitement we had was crushed. And of course, the second that Peggy got out to LA, she suddenly had a very obvious male love interest. What a surprise.

The showrunner/writers were not subtle about what they thought about our ship and us. They made the most extreme, nonsensical writing decision in order to permanently separate these two characters. Because, hey, that’s the only way to get the shippers to STOP, right?

This was what I was reminded of when I started seeing the turn that post-hiatus CR was taking. It ended up being a weird combination of kneejerk erasure (BJ) and heavy-handed overcompensation (BY).

But of course, CR is not a TV show, it’s D&D. And they can’t force one of their PCs to just disappear, so what do they have to resort to? Not interacting.

We all know how severely neutered Beau and Jester’s general relationship has become. It’s clear to me that both Marisha and Laura felt they had to do that. They had to suddenly have their characters stay away from each other as much as possible so they could prioritize Fjord and Yasha, and speed-run into romances with them. They started acting as if either of them giving the other one ounce of affectionate attention (like they had been doing so often and so naturally before), would be breaking some sort of hidden ‘relationship code’. Almost like if they ever hugged again, the studio would go down in flames.

The very obvious fact that they went to these lengths, to me, proves two things...

One, it proves the retcon even more, because you can tell that the way they behaved with each other DID in fact change. The frequency of interactions and the way those interactions would play out. Whenever they interact now, it seems like they’re trying to keep it as short, thin, and almost comedic (to the point of goofiness, and not in a good way) as possible. Their engagement seems half-assed and dull. The sounds of their voices, their facial expressions... completely sanitized. Even all the physicality they had is gone; the touches, the hugs, the cuddling. Every single aspect is different and they absolutely did that intentionally. This had to happen because they needed to dupe the viewers into believing that despite overall interest waning, their threadbare connections to Fjord and Yasha are more important, and were always more important then their connection to each other, that we all watched them steadily build. (And watched them pick up steam from about ep70 onwards.)

And two, that whole intentional decision to cut themselves off from each other, proves to me that their interactions pre-hiatus were indeed tinged with ‘something extra’, that was more than just friendship. They both recognized it and that’s why they pulled back so hard. That’s why soft touches and hugs and cuddling are no longer ‘allowed’. That’s why quiet, heartfelt conversations are no longer ‘allowed’. Because if there was absolutely nothing there, if they didn’t see/feel any romantic chemistry simmering underneath, and it was all just platonic BFF stuff, why would they suppress their behavior so drastically?

I think that all of this really does cement what I said in my retcon post: That there are disingenuous patterns being used here that I’ve seen far too often in media. In A/gent Carter, it was a character separation, in CR it was a character dynamic separation. Both done on purpose, to make the shippers shut up, and to push a different plot.

One is scripted, the other is unscripted, but the situations feel disgustingly similar, don’t they?

#op #ask #long post #i feel like i'm just retreading old ground here #still cathartic though

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sluttyprincessinarizona · 4 years

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Taishiro Toyomitsu (FatGum) x shy! reader (fluffies!)

This is my first, o f f i c i a l tumblr fanfic, so woo! I ' m f c k i n g t e r r i f i e d -anyway, this is a FatGum x reader, because Tai is the cutest thing and I don't see enough of him. I'll be doing some of my personal favorites from the anime, ranging from popular to underrated characters, so I hope anyone who comes across this weird mess enjoys it! Leave a comment, or like, or smth, because I think this will be really cool, and i wanna be like those other awesome fanfic writers one day- anyways, byeee!

Word count: Idk dude, I'm on mobile-(it's a lot tho, trust me-)

Warnings: Mild cursing, also make sure to brush your teeth afterwards, cause this will give you a toothache from the sweetness-

A box. Wait, what? Where did it come from? Who put it there? Is this a prank? It smells like…Takoyaki?!? Fatgum rushed to his desk, opening the pastel purple box sat neatly on his desk. ¨Yes! Morning snack!¨ He cheered whilst fist pumping the air. Fatgum reached to take a piece of the octopus goodness, but hesitated, for just a moment. His smile faltered, and he took a second to evaluate, his hero instincts shining through. Poison? Intruder? Stalker? However, the mouth-watering smell of his newly-acquired treat pulled him sultrily out of his cautiousness, and Fatgum gave in to the temptation, devouring the takoyaki in mere seconds. He made sure to be careful with the box though. ¨Ill ask Kirishima or Amajiki if they gave me this. Those kids are just the greatest!¨ He bounded out of his office in a rush to excitedly badger at his two son- interns, but he soon found that neither knew what he was talking about. They had just barely entered the agency for the first time since yesterday, so they had no part in this adorable gift Fat had received. Fatgum was slightly put off, but resolved that he would ask everyone at his agency personally, determined to find and thank the angel who gave him this thoughtful present.

Its been about a month since then. After a week of daily takoyaki, Fatgum was wondering if he´d be destined to live a life of having takoyaki for breakfast when he opened his office door and froze. Fatgum had expected to see that same lavender(he checked) shaded box of goodness, but he was greeted with a rolled up bag sitting on top of a box, but it was a different shade of purple. His seemingly permanent smile grew tenfold and he giddily bounced over to his desk to investigate the new items he had been gifted. He opened the bag first, and took out a cup. Coffee. He was stunned. Not by the fact that his ´secret admirer´ had brought him coffee, nor was it the fact that they could have gotten it wrong. No, he was floored by the logo on the coffee cup. It was the logo of the small cat cafe down the street. Fatgum asks Kirishima and Amajiki to visit there almost everyday, though he insists its just for the coffee. Fatgum went there once to get himself a coffee his two children were busy, and he hasn´t gone back since. Not because the establishment was bad, no it adorable. The pastel color scheme, the friendly felines who endlessly entertained him, even the mere scent of the cafe brings a smile to his face, but for one reason, and one reason only.

You.

You, the one who owned, managed, and staffed the humble cafe all on your own. Fatgum could barely manage to keep professional, for he had no idea where he was supposed to direct his eyes. Your precious attitude, the excitable gleam in your eyes, your contagiously cute giggle, and your blush, oh the blush! Fatgum had told you a joke to ease his own nerves, but the waver in his tone and ok-at-best comedy skills only proved to make him even more anxious. That was, until he heard you laugh. You didn´t just laugh, no, because he had just found your weakness. Simple, honest, puns. You attempted to cover your mouth so you could save your dignity, but resistance was futile when you were hit with such a bad joke from such a cute man. You doubled over in pure, jovial, laughter, and at that moment, you thanked every Greek god that has ever lived that you two were the only ones occupying the shop at that moment. Well, besides all the spectating kittens. You were so caught up in that stupidly funny pun, you failed to notice that you were the only one laughing.

Fatgum was speechless. Normally, hes the one laughing at his own jokes, but here you were, laughing. Not only that, but your laugh was heavenly. It was music to his ears, and he could hardly stomach the rush of feelings that had hit him. Embarrassment, anxiety, calm, joy, happiness, lo-…

Love? Did he love you?

He wanted to say no immediately, there was no way. But his rushing mind stopped once he heard you snort. You covered your mouth, hoping he hadn´t heard such an embarrassing sound come from you, but it only made you laugh harder, and soon you were snorting with every other breath. He couldn´t breathe. You snort when you laugh too hard??? His head was spinning with every wave of feeling that enveloped him. He felt like he was floating. He was on cloud nine simply from the fact that he could reduce you to giggles and snorts like this. He was so overwhelmed, yet relieved by your reaction. You had bashfully admitted to him that you had trouble opening up to others, and you had found it remarkable how easily he had broken down your walls as if they were nothing more than a breeze. He wondered if this meant he ad a chance. Talking with you was effortless, and brought him a level of joy he had never experienced. It made him wonder what else you two would get up to. His mind flashed with endless scenarios, you appearing in every single one. You on a date, shy smiles and ´accidentally´ bumping into each other every two seconds. You at his house, leaning into his chest as you stuff your faces with popcorn, hypnotized by a movie. You underneath him, your small frame dwarfed by his larger one, breathless and writhing. You in his office, sitting on his lap and snuggling him as he finishes up some paperwork.

He wanted you, with every thing he had. He wanted to have you, have fun with you, do things with you, go places with you. He wanted you childishly, so you two could bounce around the world together with reckless abandon. He wanted you selfishly, to pull you close where everyone could see, so no one would mistake that you were his. He wanted you devilishly, giving you endless kisses and lovebites, just to see you squirm and blush. He wanted you innocently, to sing karaoke at the top of his lungs with you, and do scavenger hunts for your anniversaries. He wanted you longingly, knowing that he could power through the villains, the mountains of paperwork, all of lifes bullshit, just so he could be greeted by your smile, the smile of a tried-and-true angel.

After that day, Fatgum never went back to your store. He knew that if he saw you again, with that illegally cute maid outfit and those entrancing eyes, he would be compelled to get down on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage, which is a level of mortification hes not ready for. The day after his return, he was so stunned by the mark your presence left on his very being that he began to notice that almost everything reminded him of you. The fluffiness of the clouds brought to his mind the cute way the frill on your outfit bounced in excitement. The soft shades of blues and purples at nighttime reminded him of the perfect lighting of your cafe as he passed it late at night. Hell, his assistants cat reminded him of you, and he noted every one of these things for his own sake, but he never realized just how loud he gets when hes in his own head. His muttering got louder and more distracting, to the point that he would daydream at every possible moment, dreamily sighing your name like a mantra. Taishiro Toyomistu, an established pro-hero, a fully functioning adult, had been reverted back to a love-sick teenage boy. It was almost pathetic, yet he made up for by how excited even the mention of you made him. It piqued his interns interests, and they decided to take matters into their own hands.

Amajiki was currently rethinking his entire life. His decisions, his friendships, his entire existence was being heavily reevaluated. How did he let Kirishima talk him into this? His underclassman who he thought was just beginning to understand what boundaries are, had somehow, by some absolutely-mystical-means, convinced him to hide in his mentors cabinet to watch for some mystery person leaving snacks for him. He couldve been training, he couldve been eating, hell, he couldve even been talking with Mirio and Nejire, but no. Here he was, cramped between a shelf and crates of paperwork, staking out someone who he doesnt know, and hoping that he wont have to wait for too long stuck in this position. He was about to adjust himself to leave the cabinet and forget this whole plan, when the office door creaked open, the annoyingly loud squeeeak making the person wince as they continued to open it. Amajiki froze, barely containing his squeak of fear as he watched in awe as the door opened but...n-no one was there???

Amajiki blinked, wondering if was just a stray breeze, or some ghostly apparition, which brought tears of terror to his precious eyes from the mere thought. He blinked his tears away hastily, and looked back to reassure himself that no one was there, and even if they were, they were probably friendly. Or, at the very least, he could overpower anyone with relative ease, but he choked on his own reassurance. One second, there was no one, the next, there was you. You, the girl from the cafe, had just appeared out of thin air! You were the one leaving the snacks for Fatgum! Amajiki gawked as you set down the periwinkle box of cupcakes, along with the bag that contained his mentors coffee, brewed to perfection and made with so much love that he could feel it from his hiding spot. He stayed as still as possible, silently spectating as you arranged the snacks neatly while humming a sweet tune, as if you were in the comfort of your own home. You decided that you had adjusted the box by .1% enough times, and you smiled warmly at the box, before jumping at the sound of Fatgum's voice, laughing joyously at something while steadily getting closer to the office you both were in. You panicked and ran behind the door, closing it fully before he got too close, so as not to seem suspicious. Amajiki had blinked only once, and then you were gone again, and Fatgum had opened the door, bringing the operation to a screeching halt. When Amajiki reported back to Kirishima, he realayed back what he had witnessed to an excitable Kirishima, who jumped for joy when he heard that it was you.

¨I knew it!¨ Kirishima exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. He had guessed beforehand that you were the one leaving such a heart-warming gift for his mentor, and now his next meal was paid for, which he was very happy about.

Fatgum was accompanying Kirishima and Amajiki to his favorite restaurant after a surprisingly peaceful patrol, and they knew they had to tell him then, when they had a peaceful moment to relax. So, they told him.

¨Hey Fat, I just wanted to let you know that…¨ Kirishima started, looking over at Fatgum from his menu, but his sentence was soon forgotten. He, and Amajiki, were staring incredulously at Fatgum, who was currently trying to disappear into his jacket. ¨F-fatgum?¨ Amajiki asked shakily. ¨Whats w-wrong? A-a-are there villains here?!¨ He looked around in alarm, but there were no immediate threats in sight. What had shaken their fearless mentor up so severely? Fatgum simply shook his head, and laid his forehead down on the cool table in hopes of soothing his burning face. Kirishima and Amajiki looked at Fatgum, then to each other in confusion. They both shrugged and went to comfort him when they heard a giggle that caught their attention. Normally that wouldn’t matter at a time like this, but that giggle triggered something in Fatgum and the most obvious shiver went down his spine at the sound. Amajiki, who was across the booth from Fat and Kirishima peered from around his seat to see who it was and gasped. He looked back at Fatgum, then mouthed to Kirishima ¨Its the girl from the cafe!¨ Kirishima gaped, standing up to get a better look. Sure enough, there you were, chatting with a friend who worked the reception booth at the establishment. You were there for your weekly shipment of leftover supplies from the restaurant that you could use for your sweets, but Fatgum didnt know that. All Fatgum could think of is how embarrassing it would be if you saw him cowering like a child in your mere presence. But even then, he couldnt get over how absolutely stunning you looked in casual clothes. He was thoroughly surprised at the fact that you werent already up and married when he met you, because you were simultaneously everything he wanted and needed, and not at all what he was expecting. You were funny, smart, and cute, but he knew there were worlds of things hiding behind your bright eyes. You were perfect. You were everything. You were-

Poke

¨T-Toyom-m-mistu? Ar-are you ok? You seem a b-bit sick or som-something?¨

You were right next to him, poking his arm. You were blushing almost as fiercely as him, for multiple reasons. 1. you were right next to someone who instantly caught your heart in his excessively large hands as soon as you met him, and you were poking him. 2. His two interns were staring you down so intensely that you began to wonder if you ever should have walked over in the first place. and 3. is he sick or not?!? You just wanted to make sure hes ok, and maybe kinda possibly ask him why he hasnt visited the shop in a while. But it doesnt seem like thats gonna happen. You kept your voice down because you knew that if a commotion happened that you would actually be sick from fright, but you couldnt help the worry that bubbled in your gut at the sight of him.

On the other hand, Fatgum was just about ready to fucking combust. He wanted to look up, he wanted to see your soft, caring features and the look of concern that was undoubtedly on your face, but he knew impulse would overtake him. He barely managed to keep from making a fool of himself in front of you and everyone who knew him, and he felt backed into a corner. His mind was racing, and he couldnt even feel his heart beating anymore. His breath was getting heavy, but he barely noticed it. He was driving himself mad, slowly devolving into a panic that he didnt know was enveloping him, nor did he know how to get out of it. All he could think of was you, how disgusted you would be by him if he proposed to you, how you would walk away from him if he said the wrong thing. He wanted you, but he cant have you, and he doesn't know what to-

¨Taishiro!¨ you exclaimed, no longer worried about making a scene. You wrenched his head up from the table and pressed his forehead against yours. He stared wordlessly at you, his thoughts going silent for just a moment, and that was all you needed. ¨Taishiro, look at me, ok? You're ok. I've got you.¨ You spoke softly to him, phrases that you're soothing voice spoke to him. Things he could only imagine from his wildest dreams. His breathing slowed as he slowly came back to his senses, forgetting all about his panic in favor of taking in you. He made no effort to move, because he was completely content on being this close to you forever. He was astonished by you, how you could calm his mind and steal his heart all at once, but the thing he couldnt draw away from was your eyes. They held no pity, however in it's place was the light of experience. You held him not because you pitied him, but because you knew his fear, and wanted to take it away, if only for a moment. He couldnt help but tear up at the genuineness in your gaze, the gaze that you never broke, not even for a second. You had grabbed his arm as he sunk, pulling him back up, and encouraging him to let you help him. You knew what it felt like to be stuck with no one to help, so you told him to relax, let himself be helped just this once, all without any words. All you needed was to look into his eyes and he could understand everything you tried so desperately to convey to him for months. You lost control of your filter as you soothed him, letting slip how much you missed him and his goofy smile, and how undeniably happy he made you. You brought him onto his feet and carried him up, and as you unknowingly whispered "That was when I knew that I loved you", he could see the bright glowing light that enveloped you. You really were an angel. He could see your halo, your soft wings, but overall he saw your heavenly smile, one that begged him to respond, as you were losing confidence at an alarming rate. At that moment, he broke into the brightest, cutest, and dorkiest grin you had ever witnessed, and it melted your heart all over again. He leaped up in a flash, and before you knew it, he had you bridalstyle in his arms with dizzying speed. You squealed in fear, but relaxed as you saw him gaze down at you lovingly. You smiled back shyly, and buried your face in his chest when you could hear the restaurant goers cheering at the display, He carried you out of the restaurant in a valiant display, and his remark as you both exited made the cheers of the onlookers sound deafening, and it drove your blush all the way down to your ears in shock.

¨Hey sweetcheeks, we should get married!¨

~End~

I hope you enjoyed it! It took me about three days to finish, cause online school, but this was awesome. I legitimately love this one, and this probably the only one I've finished and was satisfied with. If you like it, pls let me know cause I already adore this, and I wanna share with the world, no matter how scary it might be. Anyways, this has gotten long, so I'm gonna bounce. Gotta start the next one. Bye-bye!💜

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #mha fluff #fatgum x reader #fatgum #taishiro toyomitsu #taishiro x reader #bnha taishiro #mha taishiro #fluff #pls dont hurt my feelings #pls love me #pls interact

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shadowthorne · 3 years

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Fic Writer Questions

I was tagged by @cherry-toxic ; Thank you!! 😘

How many works do you have on AO3?

26 -which is not nearly all of them

What's your total AO3 wordcount?

747,965

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

One, officially; Bleach. But I drabbled in some crossovers if that counts? Never posted, but I started a bleach/SNK and a bleach/SPN crossover a looooong time ago.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Changing

Let Me Drown

Unexplored Worlds

Connected

Curse of the Siren

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to respond to all of them, but I will admit that occasionally a comment will require just too much brain power for me to handle on a given day, so I keep the email notification and intend to get to it in a day or two, but usually don't...

I want to respond to all comments, though, because someone took the time to read and comment something I created, and I want them to know I appreciate that. So I try to give them at least a short response.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Oh god. A lot of them? That's kinda what I'm known for I think. Let Me Drown is pretty angsty, and ends in angst and tragedy. A Promise to the Stars is pretty angsty too, but maybe leans heavier on the tragedy side than actual angst.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've ever written?

As mentioned above, I started two different crossovers, but never finished either of them and I really doubt I'll go back to them. Why would I write crossovers when I can just write AUs?

Out of the two permanent WIPs though, the bleach/snk one was probably going to be the most wild.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Ahahah yes I sure do, and uh. The smutty kind? All kinds; tender, dirty, angsty, passionate, boring, toys, vanilla, consensual, non-con, detailed, vague, gay, straight. I have no shame.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Kind of. They didn't so much steal a fic, as they tried to claim they were me. It was here on tumblr, years ago. They promptly deleted as soon as they were called out. As far as I know, that's the only time.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! So flattering!! I've had a few translated into a few different languages.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I started one, but my co-author and I never finished it.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

GrimmHichi, hands down. To read (though no one write for it but meeeee) and to write for (but since no one reads it, I rarely write for it, it's a terrible cycle).

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Counterfeit Wings and Heir to the Throne. I really love them both, but I lost steam on them. The second one has a higher chance of being finished out of pure spite for the HichiHime shippers that keep leaving me comments after I made it very clear that it will never be a HichiHime fic... and because I do love my mafia AU lol

What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm very good at setting a scene and a tone -I love writing descriptively. And I think I'm good at writing anything gory and/or violent.

What are your writing weakness?

Lately (as in the last several years) it's just been following through and inspiration in general. The desire is there, but I just can't seem to get words onto the page. Writer's block is a cunt.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I don't have a problem with it, I played with it a bit a long time ago. The tricky part is getting your translations right and not looking like an asshole if you're not a fluent speaker in the second language you're writing your dialogue in, and then also still somehow managing to get what your character is saying across to the readers who probably don't speak that language without just straight up translating for them.

If it's done right, I think it's a really near mechanic. But overall, I don't really care for it.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Bleach, first and only

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

The Dinner With The Family au is very near and dear to my heart, but I also really loved The Undying which got zero attention and made me so sad. I was so proud of that one. A Promise to the Stars is similar; I wrote it as an impromptu nudge from DivineImmortality and I was really proud of the way it came out but the fandom never seemed willing to pay much attention to it. Oh well.

The White Fox is also very dear to me. It's one of the few GrimmHichi fics I let myself write and I really like that story. It's definitely dated at this point, as far as my writing level goes, but it was a fun story.

I wont be tagging anyone directly, but if you see and it and want to participate, consider yourself tagged :)

#ignore me

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impassiveesper · 4 years

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What was your first impression of the roleplay community on Tumblr? And what’s your impression of it now?

Mun’s Asks: RP Edition

1.) What was your first impression of the roleplay community on Tumblr? And what’s your impression of it now?

[OOF STRAP IN INTREPID]

I’ve been on this hellsite since the beginning but I really only started RPing here after a few years. Probably in 2012 or 2013? I can’t remember exactly when but I remember being very intimidated by the idea of RP on this platform in particular. There is a bit of a steep learning curve in terms of etiquette here that is even steeper when you factor in the near requirement for tumblr-literacy. Like you basically need xkit to RP and you need to understand what kinds of asks get eaten and when/how cuts work and what behaviors do and don’t cause notifications and how ask posts work and how the block/blacklist features do and dont work and what tags tumblr will and wont index etc etc. When you’re a tumblr old head it’s easy to forget newcomers don’t immediately know things like that. It’s part of the reason why I tend to be very basic in my approach compared to what is popular at the moment. I was one of those fabled newcomers at one point.

I don’t really think that tumblr RPC is any better or worse now than it was back then, just different. A lot of what’s popular now was a thing back then, but now it’s more commonplace in a much smaller population of RPers. I wouldn’t say that the RPC has many new problems as much as I would say the old problems have intensified.

When I started out I was in a fandom that was very cliquey and made me feel like shit a lot and those spaces probably still exist on tumblr but the difference is I know what my boundaries are and what behaviors I will and wont tolerate on my dash. Overall the RPC is much better at talking about things like that than it used to be imo. That same fandom I just shit on was also a lot of fun and taught me that it was okay to not take RP too seriously and not be too worried about if it looks pretty enough or was fancy enough. I’m really grateful for people who would RP with me back then even though I unknowingly broke a lot of tumblr RPC’s unwritten rules.

That’s why it’s very important to me as a seasoned RPer to be as approachable a blog as I can possibly be. In this the lords year of 2020 I still feel myself being set in my ways and avoiding trends that are ultimately harmless, but there is an extent to which I have to participate in order to be courteous to others so I do my best to be open minded about Neo RPC Trends. I end up being of two minds just about everything that’s popular right now.

Take for example reblog karma / I AM NOT A MEME SOURCE type rules. I think that’s shits dumb, you guys can reblog anything you want from me, in fact reblogging it from me heightens the chances of me sending you one whether you sent me one or not. I’m not gonna get mad at you for using the website as it is intended by the devs to be used, but also if somebody else’s rules say it bugs them to have memes rbed from them, then I think their feelings are more important than my opinion on the matter. People are more important to me than policies in cases like these, so of course I’ll reblog the meme from the source instead of you or w/e.

But at the same time, that idea about feelings also includes the feelings of people who are new to RP and maybe don’t even know the etiquette well enough to know they’re messing up. There’s a lot to get mad about in the current state of tumblr RP but even when I agree that I want this particular tedium done, I don’t really agree with the idea that I should make it a rule that forces other people to stay away from me. Yes I dont want to be ponging an ask post back and forth. Yes I want our posts cut. But also, I wont get mad if you rb an ask instead of putting it in a new post. I’ll just put in a new post myself. I wont get mad if you dont cut a post, I’ll just cut it myself. It’s not hard to do.

Take also graphics, banners, and all manner of fancy formatting. RPC has really really leaned into that a lot more than back in 2013. On the one hand, I think that’s great. People are so creative. Their stuff looks so pretty, and I really like the work people put in. I don’t think it’s a bad thing necessarily, but on the other hand it does heighten that already steep barrier for entry imo, especially in circles that require it and judge based upon it. For me it’s more important to avoid looking like that’s an expectation of mine. Like, I can do that stuff. I do sometimes, actually. I make icons in batches of hundreds, I take commissions for RP graphics, don’t tell anybody. I’m a freelance illustrator and I know my way around the adobe creative suite-- I CAN make these things and I do for other people, but I can’t be called to do it for myself in most cases. When I see a blog with very nice graphics I immediately assume they don’t care to interact with me. In fact I still tend to unfairly think this even when they’ve shown me otherwise. If we don’t have a long term rapport and you’re a blog with nice graphics and I reply to your posts, what you’re seeing is a neurotic prey animal that is afraid of you signaling alarm. For whatever reason I tend to interpret very fancy looking blogs as confident and happy in their own existing bubbles with no particular interest in newcomers. I know that’s not always a fair assumption to make--it’s a problem with me that I need to work on--but also I know other people deal with similar feelings. That’s why I don’t feel particularly called to make much beyond the most basic of graphics most of the time and I’m highly avoidant of anybody who seems like graphics are a requirement for interactions with them. Not everybody has photoshop. Not everybody is skilled at that sort of thing. I don’t want people to think that I will judge their style based on what my own style looks like, so I don’t invest much in it. Again, there’s nothing wrong with graphics, but it’s more important to me than anything else that I am approachable and I make other people on the dash as comfortable as I can. I’m glad that it seems like a requirement for cohesive graphics has waned over the last few years.

But, yea. I’d say this duality--the “this is cool but also I have reasons I feel I shouldn’t participate”--is how I feel about pretty much everything that’s big right now. And like don’t even get me started on the anxiety RPC has around things like soft blocking and mutuals and multiples and “quality”. These things in particular aren’t that new, but a lot of Neo RPC etiquette and trends surrounding those types of anxieties represent a whole quagmire that I try to avoid as much as I can, often to a fault, and lately I’ve realized that in my blanket avoidance I am actually missing out on some things I really should consider doing. My icons could do with some light color retouching. I do want to get my tags together eventually. Permanent starter calls, interests checkers, banners to make asks more easily rebloggable-- these things are functional and can be fun and make RP easier and help people feel emboldened to approach. Like, there are a lot of newish things that are actually cool and I should maybe consider trying them out, but being an oldster has really made me slow to adapt.

So yeah, idk if that was clear at all lol. Take these many, many unnecessary words to say that again, I don’t necessarily think that the current RPC is better or worse in an objective sense, but I do think a lot of the anxieties and trends that were starting in the old RPC have really caught fire now in a way that makes them hard to abstain from even if you want to. Since the RPC is so much smaller now than it was in 2013, you really do have to play ball on these things more than you used to have to in order to find partners. There is a lot of etiquette and anxiety that goes unspoken in the RPC and so I often avoid fairly harmless RPC trends as a means of mitigating that anxiety and clarifying the unspoken as much as I can. Tumblr already has a barrier for entry by being a broken website that hates its rp users, I don’t need to pile on any extra factors to make that barrier to entry look any taller.

#[ooc]#[Munday]#posts an opinion and waits for the hard blocks to roll in #not that I said anything more controversial than ''I'm down for whatever''#but u kno #long post #pawnshopsouls #[Asks]

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edge-lorde · 4 years

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hp update: its ur favorite tumblr user back at it again with another great post. thats right, as promised here is a more in depth look at the recent dragon themed time sensitive event!

this event takes place in year 6. bill is graduated but has been coming back to the school periodically to teach us bootleg DADA just like harry did in the books. it is on one such occasion that bill lets it slip that his next job from gringotts involves him going to the dragon reserve that we know charlie will eventually work at. bill had not told charlie about this job prior to this discussion precisely because of what happens next, which is that charlie wants to go.

this brings me back to year 4 days with the first charlie focused sidequest, where we scrounged up money to by what may or may not have been a dragon egg (it was not) from a strange man who had been seen trying to approach other unaccompanied minors walking around hogsmeade. this pure of dragon centric heart, but dumb of dragon centric ass quality was what made me start liking charlies character in the game in the first place. he begins negging his older brother in a way that is very familiar to me as a younger sibling. i as the mc of course jump on the bandwagon with charlie immediately.

bill sounds very defeated in this part because he knows the negging wont end, and/or knows that he will eventually cave to charlies demands. “no you cant come.” he says with a sigh.

but well see about that, because charlie and i go ambush bill at work to ask again.

as stated previously bill works at gringotts bank, which is run by goblins. i already had access to the location diagon alley, but before this event gringotts itself was closed to me. newly unlocked, charlie and i walk inside. unlike the hogwarts kitchens, it does not feel like walking into hell for me to do this. unlike house elves which only have 1 basic model used for every elf except for the 1 named elf, there is some variety in the goblin designs. there appears to be one basic goblin face that i can tell, but its paired with several different outfits and hairstyles, giving them the illusion of originality typically spent on unnamed background characters. there are also 3 named goblin characters with all their own stuff.

the first is obviously griphook, the only real goblin character from the books. hes bills supervisor. in the books hes a pretty unlikable guy but here, though hes not nice exactly, he seems at least kind of chill. he doesnt kick charlie or me out for barging in and says its ok for us go on the mission with bill. its nice to see him unstressed.

the other 2 goblins are the perhaps, hopefully, cool ones. one is younger than the rest and has some friendly dialog with you and his other named goblin friend, who possibly exists so the first one has someone to banter with. they dont do anything else this event but gringotts stays open after the event is completed so hopefully they will come back again and get their own plotlines.

anyway, charlie and i harass bill at work for a bit. his boss comes in, hears our plea, and doesnt immediately tell us to leave. instead he tells us the rundown of bills mission: a long time ago a goblin boasted that he could craft a golden dragon egg that would be indistinguishable from the real thing. he did, and it was. so much so that a dragon destroyed his house and stole it, i think he died in the process.

“so,” says griphook, “that is why we must send you, 18 year old we just hired, to go to a remote location filled with dragons by yourself to rifle through their nests and bring back what is rightfully ours. no we dont know which dragon took the egg or even the type. yes you can bring your little brother and his friends.”

sounds legit. charlie and i convince bill to not only let us come with him, but also our other classmates from his DADA class due to scheduling mishaps. we go gather the rest of the class to tell them about this but only merula, penny, and barnaby show up and so only they get to go on the field trip, which is convenient because otherwise wed have half the school out there and that would be entirely too many characters for the devs to write at once.

we borrow the same tent the canon characters will eventually use in all their camping shenanigans in the book from hagrid and get to the dragon reserve via portkey. the reserve now appears on the stairs screen as a permanent new location, not a fleeting one as i once thought. theres dragons flying all around, majestic as hell.

its too late in the day to start searching so we set up camp and settle in, roast marshmallows, barnaby tells a story about a vampire broomstick. then we go inside the tent and play truth or dare. im asked to pick at one point which of my friends id most like to have with me if i were to get lost in the woods. i pick barnaby because hes the one who asked, but really id probably want merula there more. barnaby is supposed to be into dueling but ive never seen him in a real fight. ive seen merula take a Cruciatus curse and then get up and walk. pennys whole thing is potions too. i thought this choice would be relevant to something in the event but it was not.

in the truth or dare game, merula gets bill to tell some embarrassing stories about charlie as a kid. he talks about charlie putting wings on their rat and a dragon mask on their owl, pretending that they are real dragons. everyone laughs. this his a cord with charlie though and he storms out. we wrap up truth or dare and go to bed.

the next day we begin the search.charlie has not come back yet. we realize this and begin freaking out, start looking for him instead. we scare a mother dragon off its nest for unfathomable reasons. eventually we hear charlies voice coming from inside a cave. we go in, charlie is alive and uneaten, but has a broken leg. he ran off to find the egg by himself in order to prove himself as teen boys are wont to do. bill and i then realize the other 3 didnt follow us into the cave, and a big ol dragon walks in. i gotta fight it singlehandedly while bill heals charlie in the back.

the boss fight was actually pretty hard. it took me like 5-6 tries to beat the dang thing thing. much enjoyment many high stakes. i put a sleeping spell on it to stop its attack at the end, though i had the option to use the Cruciatus curse which seems a little intense, game. then the other 3 run in and are like cool your safe! sorry we couldnt help u fight the dragon, there was a dragon. im like “yes, understandable.”

bill had given up on finding the egg at this point, but then charlie finds it! its a gold egg. in retrospect this egg might have been the egg that will inspire the gold egg stealing challenge in hp book 4 but i forget if that was inspired by a story or not.

then we have a cool down level with bill and charlie, where they both apologize, and charlie says what he did was stupid, but i insist its wasnt stupid it was cool and good even though that is factually wrong because thats what i would say in real life regardless. bill and charlie promise to never speak of this trip again, especially not to their mom.

the last level is us going back to gringotts and regaling griphook with the tale of our journey, including the marshmallow and truth or dare bits. he says “great job, teens!” and then we all jump up in the air and the theme song plays as we freeze midair and the colors fade to black and white. we all learned some valuable dragon based lessons today friends. it took me 2 full hours to write this and i have to wake up at 6 tomorrow.

#hp #sirius business #hphm #harry potter hogwarts mystery #hogwats mystery #dragon #charlie weasley #bill weasley #penny haywood #merula snyde #barnaby lee #goblins #goblin #griphook #rambling #Thoughts

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aquaticalay · 5 years

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For Something Greater .Chapter Two.

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: (Y/n) is an active duty Navy SEAL Commander, the first and only woman to ever be a SEAL. When two American spies are captured during a reconnaissance mission at a Hydra base in Transia, (Y/n) and her team are forced to team up with The Winter Soldier to rescue the captives. Being wary of the avenger, she agrees to do one mission with Barnes, and one mission only. But after an unexpected turn of events, her team and Barnes must work together to finish what they started, while (Y/n) and Bucky try to sort out their complicated feelings. (Set six months after Endgame.)

Words: 1700+

Warning/s for this chapter: cursing, violence, death, mild Endgame spoilers

Warning/s for the series: Endgame spoilers, cursing, war violence, eventual smut

Note: I’m going to post a new chapter for this story every two days! Let me know if you wanna be in the taglist! (I’m going to keep this series’ taglist and the permanent on seperate to keep it tidy)

Recommended: listen to Human by Rag'n'Bone Man while reading this chapter.

(Read: I had to repost this again and again just so it would show up in the tags. Tumblr please fix this.)

ALL CHAPTERS OF "FOR SOMETHING GREATER" IN MY BIO

The trip felt longer than it was supposed to be. It was probably because it was a relatively more silent flight than usual, though Woods and Harris were still bickering like children. But aside from that, you only engaged in conversations with your team from time to time. The Winter Soldier’s eyes lingered on you, and it was almost impossible to ignore. In his gaze was not judgement, that you would’ve anticipated, but instead it was more a look of curiousity and amazement, maybe even borderline respect.

You stole glances at him to watch his movements, his behaviour. You studied his weapon. The rifle was a familiar model, an M249 SAW. You had fired it a few times. It was a convinient model, even resembling some functions of a machine gun. But you found it odd that he would choose that type of firearm, considering he had been a sniper in 1945. Choosing a rifle that leaned more towards a machine gun than a sniper made him seem more messy. Despite that, you knew not to judge him based off the firearm he used. He was not only a supersoldier, but a highly trained stealth operative as well. He would be as deadly with a baseball bat as he is with a gun. The only other weapon you saw was a sheathed knife on his thigh. You didn’t recognize it as any type of US military knives. You had your suspicions that it was made of vibranium, like his arm. Wakanda gave him a practically indestructable arm, and why stop there? Why not give him an indestructable knife, too?

Either way, it was a completely different model from your Ontario MK3 Navy Knife, which was mostly used for self-defense and protection. The size and shape of his knife, however, suggested that it was intended for a more brutal purpose, perhaps a clean, silent kill.

Those were all his weapons. No grenades, no glocks. If he were a normal human being, it would seem like he came unprepared, but he was not normal, and that could be proven in his blood and in his kill record.

A kill record that rivaled yours.

When the cargo plane reached cruising altitude of 800 feet, you stood up, and the Winter Soldier and your team did the same. “We know our mission. Get in, get the hostages, get out. But since it’s Hydra, treat this like an assault mission,” you said, “Sergeant Barnes is familiar with the general structure of a Hydra base, so he will lead us into the compound, but you still take orders from me. Hydra will jam long range radio transmissions. We only have short ranged ones to communicate with each other. We’re in this alone, and we can’t call for back up if anything goes south, so make sure nothing goes south. Are we clear?”

“Yes, Commander!” the boys said in unison.

With that, you each strapped in a static parachute. The hatch opened, and you jumped from the plane.

It was a habit by now, but you never got tired of it. It was in the middle of the night, the wind was in your favor. You stepped out of the plane, a thrilling smile on your face, a smile that distracted you from all the blood in your hands, that reminded you why you loved this job.

You had been dropped at a forest near the Transian mountain range, where the Hydra base is located. You were only several miles away from Serbia.

The trees gave you the perfect cover. You quickly regrouped and started a hike to the exact coordinates of the Hydra base.

For amateurs, the hike would have been five hours long, at least. But with the training your team had gone through and the Winter Soldier there, it would only take three hours, max.

Within two and a half hours, you had visual on the warehouse. Your team hid behind fallen timber.

You’ve gotta be honest, to the naked eye, the ‘base’ wasn’t exactly impressive. It just looked like an old warehouse made of rusted metal. It didn’t look threatening at all. It didn’t even have a fence around it.

“You can’t be serious,” Lawson scoffed, a smile forming on his face, “this is supposed to be a nazi terrorist facility? I’ve seen small rebel bases more threatening that this shit show.”

Barnes, however, studied the warehouse instensely, “Don’t underestimate them,” he warned, and in his voice was a cold, terrifying certainty.

You adjusted your goggles to zoom in on the base.

“What do you see?” Jones asked, a splinter of nervousness mixed with hope cracking in his voice.

Jones saw the base as Lawson did, a sorry excuse for an organization that at one point had almost had total control of the world. He thought there wouldn’t be a fight. He thought this would be an easy in and out mission. But you had a feeling Barnes was right, judging from his cold reaction.

“Not much,” you admitted, “I only count seven security guards patrolling the warehouse.”

Barnes decided to split the group into two teams. The first team would draw fire to the patroling guards, while the other one would enter the facility undetected.

The first team, the team that would cause a diversion, consisted of the better skilled and experienced marksmen in your team, McCoy, Miller, and Woods. They took cover behind a boulder, preparing to fire upon order.

The rest of the team, you, Barnes, Harris, Lawson, and Jones circled the perimeter to prepare to enter from the weakest entry point, the back door.

“Status?” You called to the diversion team via short range radio.

“Ready to fire on your order, commander,” Woods answered.

You looked to Barnes. He gave you a slight nod. You waited a heartbeat before you said through the radio, “Fire.”

In an instant, you heard chaos break out on the other side of the building. Without a doubt, the guard stationed on the back door left to help defend the front door.

That was a foolish move, and it proved that these men were untrained and inexperienced.

“On me,” Barnes led your team inside.

“Watch our six,” you told Jones. He nodded in response.

Barnes opened the door and… the warehouse was absolutely empty, except for two people in dressed in black, brown sacks over their heads, handcuffed to a chair in the center of the warehouse.

Could those be the missing CIA agents?

The team sweeped the room, and found nothing, but still stayed a safe distance from the people in the center of the room

“Help us,” a hoarse male voice from under the sack said weakly upon hearing footsteps, “we’ve been held hostage for weeks.”

The voice was American.

“They’re the agents!” Jones concluded, relief in his voice. Jones laid his firearm down, and quickly moved to the center of the room when you realized that those two people were wearing explosive belts.

Your eyes widened.

“Get down!” Barnes barked the order as he realized what was going on.

“No!” You didnt think twice. You moved towards Jones, trying to shield him from the explosion.

It exploded. You were thrown back by the impact, a shrapnel from the bomb embedding itself in your shoulder.

You struggled to get up, you vision blurry. “Oliver!” You struggled to scream, trying to get up as searing pain roared through your body.

You laid down, face up. You tried to look for the source of pain and saw a piece of metal deep inside your left shoulder.

You saw flash of metal, as the Winter Soldier rushed towards you, applying pressure on the sides of your wound.

“Oliver J-Jones,” you said faintly, “T-the kid, is he o-okay?” You struggled.

Barnes grunted and cursed, but he avoided the question.

You gathered all of you strength, “B-Barnes! I-is the kid okay?”

Collecting your consciousness and your common sense, you realized, Jones couldn’t have made it. He was too close.

You realized it, but that didn’t mean that you had accepted it. With whatever’s left of your energy, you thrashed under Bucky’s arm, “J-Jones! Where is he?”

“Hold still,” Bucky ordered, “You’re bleeding out!”

No.

No, this couldn’t be happening.

He was young. He was a kid. He was your responsibility.

His death was on you.

His blood is on your hands.

No.

“Get her to the ORP, she needs blood transfusion immediately,” Barnes said, and that was the last thing you heard before the world faded into black.

Your team rushed you to the ORP, and you were still unconscious.

“She’s losing blood,” Woods said to the medical officers. One of the officers nodded and scanned your suit for a dog tag. She found it in one of your utility pockets.

The dog tags contained your blood type, but when the medical officer saw it, her face grew pessimistic.

“What’s wrong?” Woods asked.

“She’s O negative,” she mentioned, “it’s one of the rarest blood type in the world, and is not compatible with any other blood type. It would clot. We don’t have a supply here.”

“Then transport her, dammit!” Woods shouted frantically.

“She wont make the trip,” she explained.

“I’m O negative,” a deep voice said, and it belonged to the Winter Soldier as he entered the room.

The medical officer stuttered, “B-but you’re a super soldier, we don’t know the effects-”

“So what? We’re just gonna leave her here to die?” Barnes asked inscredulously, “Look, I’m your best shot at saving her.”

The officer looked at her colleagues. She nodded, “It’s worth a try.”

“Wait,” Miller intervened, “Just how experimental is this?”

“Very,” the medical officer almost visibly shuddered, “There’s no telling what the side effects are, if there are any, or if she will survive the transfusion at all.”

“Then maybe we should run diagnostics first,” Miller suggested.

“There’s no time for that!” Lawson growled, visibly distressed.

“But this treatment might kill her!” Miller said.

“Yes, this might kill her, but not doing anything will kill her,” Lawson sneered, “I just lost my teammate. I’m not going to lose my commander, too.”

The whole room fell silent.

They hadn’t had the time to grieve. They hadn’t had time to process the young SEAL’s death, and this was the first time anyone had talked about Jones as a deceased man.

The medical officer told her colleague, “prep her for surgery.”

@greatwerewolfdragon @ciochesono @keepyourdreamsalive @valentynecalum @bigchunggus @vaultures @ka-x-in @marvel-is-my-life-blog @ljthewinterllama @thefirst-galaxy @meraki-loki @wolfiea03 @izzyisavengersupernaturaltrash @teageowen @illi-vanilli @nicholasbich @childishhoe @infinityexe @natashasnight @talk-geek-to-me @divinediego

(I apologize for tagging you all multiple times in one day, but Tumblr is acting up and not showing my posts in the tags so…. @staff fix this pleaseeeee)

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes imagines #bucky imagine #sebastian stan x reader #avengers x reader #bucky imagines #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan imagines #sebastian stan #the winter soldier imagines #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky fanfic #bucky #for something greater chapterss

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sim-borg · 4 years

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right, its complain about sims 4 time

i just watched a simmer erin video about how broken the game is and she made Several Points the only thing is, i know for a fact that sims 4 is never going to get fixed its not going to make EA any money so they won't do it. instead they'll just milk us for more money until the game is so bloated with content and they're ready to move onto sims 5 im very attached to sims 4 because i spent my money on it, so despite sims 5 coming i wont move onto it until its got a lot of content in it (and also i learned my lesson. i will be pirating lmao) the only solace i get is that whether i spent money or crimed sims 4 it would still be unplayable so at least theres that the problem is, definitely, that the sims team is too small and too temporary. lemme make some Points

1. EA is a capitalist company. theyre only going to do shit that will generate maximum profit. where did that billion that the sims 4 make go? directly into the higher up's pocket

2. nothing is going to change because EA doesn't give a shit. the only thing that would make them fix their business practices? if there was a mass strike among devs across multiple games/franchises. however, devs are unlikely to do that because their livelihood is at stake. they make good money, and aren't willing to give that up. i dont blame them for that. there's just too much hesitance and risk for such a mass strike to happen unless EA does something really shitty like wage cutting, mass layoffs, or crunch, similar to what happened with Telltale.

as an aside i had to pause my rant to find out what game company just went under lmao took forever but yeah it was telltale

3. speaking of the sim gurus, i also can't blame them that much for sticking with a shitty game. they probably have little choice and are making the most of it, making the best of what they can with what resources that EA gives them. by that i mean they'd prefer not to rock the boat and risk losing their job. its a competitive world out there for creatives wanting to work full time on a big project such as the sims. if they left it might take them a while to find a position with the same amount of creative control and leadership roles, aside from starting an indie game, which is HARD AF on its own. Of course they'll get defensive over something they think they worked hard on, even though the outcome is.... less than stellar.

not that we shouldn't keep criticizing them though. unfortunately the only way players can *try* to get their complaints across are through the sim gurus. EA wont hear directly from us

4. lots of the teams working on packs are temporary and on contracts. they simply aren't as motivated to put their heart and soul into the game. again, they are also just employees, and temporary ones at that. to them its just another job on the rotation and they're only looking to get paid. they're only looking to get by and dont care much about what happens after their contracts are up. this is not their fault. EA has the money to hire people full time, and to encourage better quality control and passion for their work. but they dont, why? because that's too much accountability for such a shitty company. I can bet you my game that they don’t have a permanent team dedicated to bug fixing.

5. the people who are permanently working on the game arent given enough resources to work on bug fixes (which players seem the most concerned about right now) but only given time to work on stuff that will generate immediate profit. the problem with the sims games (over all!! not just s4) is that they aren't built to last long. so EA is just killing time right now. they aren't concerned about how much money they'll make from the game once its run its course. all you need to do is look at sims 3 for proof of that.

6. my theory is that the vast majority of sims players arent "gamers" and they arent avid players. it may seem like, on twitter, on tumblr, youtube or the forums that there's a lot of players who have lots to say about the game. i dont think so. sims and simulation games are generally seen as "not real games" and "casual games". i think most people arent as dedicated to this game as people think. the majority of money that EA makes off sims 4 are the kind of people who noticed that the sims basegame was on sale/free. they are the kind of people who only play "casual" games for a small portion of their time and dont really care about the problems it has. they are always very silent about the issues that dedicated players have with EA and the game, and honestly dont play it very much. I had a brief conversation with my coworkers the other day about this, and they didn't seem to be aware of the game's issues, just oh yeah, “i bought the sims and played it for a bit”. I think a big portion of the profits come from players like that and parents gifting games to their kids, who don’t have critical thinking yet. but thats just a theory.... a gAmE tHeOrY

on a happier note my favourite manager made us all in the sims because he missed us. hes my only valid manager and thats because we are both gay. solidarity.

#anyways im just going to go play SDV now #i welcome thoughts but honestly this was just a vent and ramble lmao

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fuckshiru · 6 years

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345rv5 ten year anniversary. Couldn’t upload this to DA for some reason

You know when you're getting older when people start having 10 year aniversaries. But alas. I still await my aniversary (which wont be for over 3 years).

You're delusional if you think I wont be posting about this.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been watching people rant online for a long ass time. I've watched Youtube videos, blogs, and deviantart journals of course. And stamps. It used to be game reviewers (Clement and SomecallmeJohnny), then it was political videos (The Amazing Atheist formerly then Sargon and Hunter Avallone currently). But I've never actually made friends with any of them. Unlike 345rv5.

I've made friends with 345rv5 just a few years back. While he isn't millionaire famous, he has a rather large following on deviantart. And that's because there's a little bit of everything on his page. He started off reviewing anime but then he would he started getting into debates. I think what made him a force to be reckoned with was the fact that he made very long journals and comments. But they wern't long because he wanted to win the debate (just a side note, if you're on a debate online, dont EVER simply write a wall of text or copy n paste from wikipedia. That doesn't work.), he would also deconstruct each of the points of the other side and obliterate them. Lets get into the journal that started it all.

Dragon Fail Live Action Piece of Shit

Dragon fail live action peice of shit

Now, 345rv5 has been around before he made the journal, but in my opinon this was the review that started everything. This was his Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. I've read all of his journals. Anime and video games was his thing earlier on. He didn't start making political videos until around 2012/2013. This day marks the ten year anniversary of him making that journal.

It really set off his channel (or should I say page). I guarentee that if he had a youtube channel, he would be filthy rich, even with youtube's ad-pocalypse and whatnot.

He started off ranting about shows and movies, essentially pointing out all of the flaws. Some notable things he's ranted about were Cartoon Network and Super Mario Live Action movie.

Anime Recaps and Reviews

Weekly Shonen Recap :RECAP !

Anime and Manga was his passion. He almost exclusively watched anime, some of his favourites were Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon. Others shows, such as Bleach not so much. There's not much to say on this part, but if you enjoy anime, you'll enjoy his reviews.

Rivalries

As time passed on, he began showing everyone his insane debating skills. This caused many people to hold grudges toward him. He began his series BDTDT/BSTDT (Bigots Do/say the dumbest things) and a subseries FTSTDT (Fantards say the dumbest things) and RFSTDT (Radical Feminists Say The Dumbest Things. He also started shorter series entitled "Concentrated Stupidity", which ended shortly.

Watching him take part in these debates that lasted over months was actually pretty entertaining. He's debated people such as Arrnacar Fighter, DragonoftheEastBlue (which apparently made a youtube video), BrianaBater, Insanity123 (didn't get a journal), Sychtemantis, and Party999999. The debate between him and Party999999 lasted for over a year. It ended in 2016, when Party99999 made a final response, and called it quits.

The topics of these debates covered politics. When it wasn't that, he would literally go in depth on how strong a character is, using math equations and Science to justify his claims.

And no, I'm not insulting any of thse people. Hell for a debate to last that long meant that they put up a good fight and must've good points.

Unfortunately, with so many debates online someone was eventually going to make a page on Encyclopedia Dramatica about him.

https://encyclopediadramatica.rs/345rv5

Before I start, I will say that I'm suprised that I don't have a page on Encylopedia Dramatica. I should've gotten one a few years back when I got into a big fight in the complaints forum, but now that I'm fading away into nothing, I'm probably never gonna get one. That's good I guess. But an Encyclopedia Dramatica page really only shows the worst in people.

Even when he got banned from DA, he still occasionally called people out here on this site from tumblr (such as OddGarfield and Aknaton-II)

The Story, Political Views, and Removal from DA

Earlier on, 345rv5 was a liberal. He was the same kind of liberal as The Amazing Athiest, as in, he wasn't a SJW, they didn't believe in white privilege or any of that garbage. Instead, they only believed in green privilege. (I dont know if TJ still believes that given I haven't watched his videos in months)

He still is a egaliratian, and one of his sickest ownages was his DESTROYING someone who insulted and slut shamed SHE-HULK by calling her a whore.

BSTDT:She Hulk is a Whore!

He was a true EGALITARIAN. Trust me, you will not find a bigger equalist than 345rv5 on the internet. He has stood up for atheists, women, men, people of colour, whites, Religious people, you name it. Every one of those instances I wholeheartedly agreed with.

BSTDT: Brother Dean the Anti Gay, Sexist Pastor

BSTDT: Atheist Pluser Says fuck you to Christans

After time passed, he slowly distanced himself from the left. He is a firm supporter of AllLivesMatter. This however, would cause him to get banned permanently from the site.

RIP 345rv5

I was beyond angry when that happened. But its been over 3 years and it is what is I guess. After being banned from DA, he made a tumblr account. This is where he REALLY shifted away from the left. 1 year later in 2016, He came out as a supporter of Trump weeks away from the election day. At that point I was still sceptical of Trump but I do admit that people have retarded reasons for hating him. I believe he still identifies as a liberal, but honestly, it hard to be considered a liberal or a leftist at this point because the left keeps fucking up for themselves. Paul Joseph Watson said Conservatism is the new counter culture, and I totally agree. Its popular to be left leaning these days.

The arguement The Amazing Athiest had with Hunter Avallone really shows that sides have switched. It used to be a younger liberal vs a older conservative. Now its a younger conservative vs an older liberal.

But furthermore, 345rv5 continued making posts on tumblr. These were very similar to the posts he made here. This went on until Tumblr shot itself and got rid of pornographic content.

After that, he migrated to another website.

What made him great?

I think it was his ability to debate made him great. He would fucking decimate people. But he would only do that if you had horrible opinions. His followers were literally like familiy, everyone digged in to help him stand up to abusive admins. When he got banned, everyone was upset. We all love his journals, which everyone can see, thanks to this link here: https://web.archive.org/web/20150406180849/http://345rv5.deviantart.com/

Yet he was such a nice guy. And that is why he will always be remembered.

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captainshazamerica · 3 years

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Yeah it's the same anon 💜 dude my apologies for the amount of crap I've spewed in your ask box but in my defense no one I know gives a shit about batfam or gotham rogues or Alfred (I've gushed here about alfreds fabulousness too opps) anndd I partly blame you for me falling back into the titans trap cuz s1 was meh I forgot I even watched s2 😅 then I seen some titans stuff on your blog and boom my brain latched onto it and now here I am experiencing maternal fear for my son jason 😢you are 1000% right this jason is PERFECTION as robin like actual perfection I dunno why but I thought this robin was like 16? So I was thinkin how tf is 16/17 yo supposed to be redhood!? It work in comics/cartoon but live action 16 y/o redhood seems meh I kinda want the lazarus pit just I freakin want TALIA but I don't think that's gonna happen I dunno

Tbh (this may be biased) but I think the Gotham tv show is literally the best dc comics adaptation of anything ever! it is superior to all thier shows movies animations and the arrowverse at least in my books lol

Tumblr is my only form of 'social media' and I don't keep up with updates or anything about shows cuz I like to pretend the fiction is real and I don't want reality wrecking that for me like hahahaa so I had no clue about timmy or babs but I'm so happy

DUDE YES this is literally the only time I can see bruce ever killing the joker on screen aww please I want it so bad I mean they probably won't but they should cuz this is the only capacity in which batman can kill the joker live action like if down the line somewhere on another show/movie bruce killed joker he prob wouldn't be dead dead or they'd bring him back some way so the kill wouldn't even matter but old bruce killing the joker because he's finally had enough he's old now, jasons death finished him and he's not gonna be batman anymore it's a nice end for batman and the joker, it's the only way we'll ever get this end cuz like you said they'll never have the balls to permanently kill joker any other way in live action everything is aligning perfectly for this to happen so dang dc just freakin let it happen c'mon

Yo whose your first fav rogue? Is it riddler? I feel like mines riddler haven't really thought much about whose my fav gotham rogue but I'd probably say riddler, I prefer the central city rogues but the Gotham rogues are just pure chaos and I'm living for that hahaa

I'd rather superheros/vigilantes/villians in live action not have relationship drama just put them in a relationship or dont like I came for the action and weird super shit not the ordinary relationship drama thankfully titans seem to be doing okay in this aspect I do quite like dickkory a lot but I mean in the supergirl show ughhh I was like I came here for the flying and the dope laser eyes I don't give a shit about her getting a boyfriend like seriously whyyy

My brain decides to jump about obsessing over characters like one week Kory is my wife next week detective grayson is my husband and I AM NIGHTWING then my brain is like no Barbara kean is wifey just basically fictionally I'm married to everyone 😅

Yikes this was so long sorry girl

Omg, pls don't apologize! I get so dang excited whenever i get an ask, yours always make my day, you don't even know! Like same about no one i know caring about dc/batfam! And talking to someone about it is so much better than yelling into the wind here on a text post that no one reads xD Don't stop sending your asks whenever you wanna dump your feels/talk about dc/batfam omg.

And Im so proud I got you into this Titans spiral xD My work here is done hahahaha. But yes, I feel like his looking so young for red hood over shadows how great his jason robin performance was! Love seeing him get that recognition! But yeah, the age is def off, like I cant remember how old they said he was in the show, maybe 16? but too young for red hood in live action form. Like its hard cause in reality 16 year olds and 19 year old boys typically don't look too different, for the most part, while comics you can get get away with it more. Huh, yeah, it doesn't seem like Talia is gonna happen, maybe just maybe a cameo or something? Cause we also weren't expecting joker but here we are(tho it almost looks like he wont be a big plot point/even see him much, it almost looks like it is just showing how brutal gotham is? But like its just the trailer and doesnt always give the full picture so who knows!)

Omg YES about Gotham! I 1000% agree! Im also biased cause its what got me into batman, again like exactly a year ago! It got me into the world like no other media of dc had before!(well, Shazam did, i guess tech thats the start of my interest in dc/first time i read the comics, but gotham is what really got me into this spiral). I hate how much hate it gets, like yeah its not perfect and they took creative liberties obviously, but i 100% agree that its the best adoption of DC yet! 100%! Its so nice to see the characters and rogues fleshed out more. I feel like it successfully did what Nolan tried to do in terms of making it dark and realistic, but in a way that was more accurate and true to the comics! I wish it wasn’t canceled so early and thus the last season had to be so rushed :(

thats smart, i typically dont look for spoilers and stuff anymore but I just got so hyper focused that I had to look at least what the stars were putting out on social media, but yeah, i use to get so caught up in all that that it took the fun out of seeing it live.

Oh my gosh, that would seriously be the PERFECT end to batman and joker story in this universe omg. Amen about all that! And like it would hopefully show Jason how much he cares? So maybe Bruce would kill him after red hood emerges? It will be interesting to see hat causes Jason to be so dang pissed in this version.

ahaha yes riddler is my fav! (my header gave it away didn’t it xD) I love most Riddlers but ESPECIALLY gotham riddler, Ed is like one of my fav character of all time. Oooh, I don’t know central city rogues all that well(well, way more than Metropolis rogues, I know so little about superman world), like I know some from the first 3 and a half seasons of the flash (I watched a couple years ago but got busy with school and couldn’t keep up and just never caught up/didnt have motivation to finish(plus i forgot so much id have to rewatch everything again), but I saw they finally just introduced Bart Allen, so I have have to randomly jump back in for a bit cause Bart is one of my favsss), and the ones in the cartoons and stuff

Ha! true, i dont mind it when its for character development or if I happen to be super into the ship(like Nygmakins in Gotham omg, I know they are super unpopular but they are like one of my OTPs omg), I feel like it has to be balanced right/not too much focus on the drama of the relationship over everything else. Like a minor subplot is good but don’t make it the focus of the show. And yeah , supergirl never appealed to me cause of that reason! i like drama and not JUST action (I like psychological drama, as long as there is comfort to follow xD) but yea i get what u mean by too much relationship focus . I think, for the most part, Gotham did that pretty well.

omg i love the disaster bi vibes you are giving off xD But omg I feel the jumping around thing so much ahaha. Like right now the 4 robins are constantly on rotation on who I’m obsessing over at the moment tbh xD

Omg mine responses are just as long, don’t apologize!!!! <333333333333333

#long post #anon #meredith gets an ask #ask #meredith thoughts #rambling #batman #batfam #gotham #titans #fan theories #speculation #titans speculation #predictions

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jspark3000 · 7 years

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Hi J.S. Park! I've been reading your book "What the Church Won't Talk about..." because I am currently struggling a lot with stuff and on top of that feeling a very dry season with God. I honestly love reading through your thoughts and stories on tumblr, and reading through this book has brought me a renewed perspective on things- so thank you J.S. Park for being a light in so many lives! I don't know if you have written anywhere on it before- but have you ever shared your thoughts on shame?

Hey dear friend, thank you so much for your encouragement and your kind words. I really needed them today; it’s been a discouraging time. Also the book you’re referring to is here for anyone interested: http://www.amazon.com/What-Church-Wont-Talk-About/dp/1502529564/

Here are a few thoughts about shame:

1) Shame is a very poor motivation for long-term change.

Shame is that sick physical feeling of being washed through with a debilitating shiver; emotionally it can be an internal bomb of embarrassment, grief, anger, or regret; psychologically it feels like losing self-worth and value. We try to escape this feeling as much as we can—it’s an awful, nauseating, dizzying flush that your entire body recognizes on impact.

Shame is socially weaponized to coerce others into “doing the right thing.” Other times, it’s just to make someone feel like a terrible person, like they could never do any good. In the best case scenario, “shaming” would create the desire to reflect and change their ways for the better. It provokes a sort of social conformity in which you must fall in line for the common benefit of everyone else.

You can see shame tactics being weaponized everywhere. Think of every “public shaming” blog, made famous first by Tumblr, that calls out your fave celebrities for being problematic or mocks the guy who uses the entire four-chair table at Starbucks. Think of books like Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother or movies like Whiplash. Think of the model who was recently charged for “fat-shaming” (the actual charge was invasion of privacy, and rightly so). Think of this recent method to help quit smoking, in which if you relapse, you donate the amount of money you’ve saved off cigarettes to a campaign that you hate (this combines shame with aversion). Think of a typical evangelical preacher, who uses fear, shame, and fire-and-brimstone to manipulate you into “getting right with God.” Think of terms like “slut-shaming, virgin-shaming, gay-shaming”—and the list goes on.

In the short term, some studies show that shame can make change. However, other studies show that shame is destructive and does permanent long-term damage.

I believe that shame doesn’t really work as a motivation for long-term change. All it does is modify behavior to look like it’s conforming, without actually getting to the root of the issue.

For a great talk about shame and vulnerability, watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk, the most watched TED Talk of all time. Her research is the absolute seminal work on this topic.

2) Shame and guilt are two entirely different things.

You’ve probably heard this by now, but guilt is saying, “I did something bad,” while shame is saying, “I am bad.”

It sounds like splitting hairs, but our approach to both can have entirely different outcomes.

If we can adapt to guilt—”I did something bad”—then we can focus on the how and why of the behavior and even internally change our motivations.

If we adapt to shame—”I am bad”—then there’s no room to look at how and why we do things, and instead can only use punishment and external deprivation to make change. This is turn only makes us craftier and more likely to suppress our true motivations without changing them.

We’ve all seen this before. You can have two people who attend church sit side-by-side who look exactly the same: they show up on time, they donate to charity, they bring coffee and donuts, they read their Bible everyday, they mow your lawn for free. But one is motivated by the anxiety of possible punishment and always compensating for a terrible gap inside them, as if they’ll always be found out. The other is motivated by doing good purely for the good in itself.

Of course, our motives are very messy and never this clear-cut. We could be a blend of both. But the next time you mess up, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Do you feel guilt or remorse or even anger about the thing you did? That’s more or less normal. Or do you disproportionately beat yourself up and wish you could disappear for a week? There’s probably buried shame that’s been carved into you by condemning voices over a lifetime—and really that’s no fault of your own. Many of us have been indoctrinated since birth to only respond to shame, and so we’ve become maladaptive.

3) Shame, despite its damage and ineffectiveness, still points to something deep and true.

I believe shame points to something very real about our human nature: that we know something is desperately missing inside, and we need no less than the divine to be made whole. Underneath our attempts at glamour and glory and prestige, we’re dreadfully naked underneath. The feeling of shame, whether that feeling has come about by right or wrong methods, points to our constant imperfection, that visceral longing that we’re always reaching for something just outside our reach.

So when someone says, “Don’t shame me!” or “Shame doesn’t work,” they’re absolutely right. Shaming doesn’t address the actual need. It only bludgeons someone into good behavior, and only works as long as the bludgeon is there. When it’s not, the behavior just regresses and reverts. The human spirit is a rubber band, always trying to snap back into place.

But to say “Shame is a lie” is actually false. When someone shames someone else, they’re not creating a feeling, but exposing a feeling that points to a human truth. We fall short. We’re incomplete. We’re not whole.

In other words, The person who does the shaming is in the wrong and it won’t work. The person who feels the shame should recognize that this feeling points to a deep human need for wholeness and goodness, and should not ignore these implications.

4) As a Christian, I believe that Christianity both exposes and solves our shame problem.

On one hand, it’s too easy to say “shame is bad and evil,” as if the feeling itself must be banned from culture. The thing is, a world without any shame would be a dang shame. If you swing the pendulum too far this way, then there’s no accountability or justice—and in my opinion, I think it’s become harder to find people who can genuinely admit, “I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I hold myself accountable to doing better,” and then following through. Socially and politically, it seems almost impossible these days for anyone to embrace their shame as a reality which must be confronted.

On the other hand, everyone lives with shame, and it’s a terrorizing, anxious burden in the basement of our hearts, often filling us with such dread that we 1) over-work ourselves to death, 2) hide our true selves under a mask of smiling conformity, 3) reinforce our pride to avoid any self-correction, or 4) stay terrified in the dark of making any moves at all. All these options end in spiritual implosion.

In the Christian worldview, shame points to my sin, and sin is the human condition of both my selfishness and emptiness. When I feel shame, it’s simply one more thread that traces back to the very real problem of humanity.

In a perfect Garden, we once had no shame at all, because we had all the wholeness and validation we could ever want. But ever since our disconnection from God, we’ve all been clawing back to Eden, and sometimes, someone points at us and laughs. The pointing and mocking are wrong, but the clawing is our very real struggle for the divine love we once had. It is, like Genesis 3 says, a kind of curse, or perhaps a poisoned sickness, in which we’re trying to find the remedy. And culture says, Do this and that and the feeling of shame will stop. But it never stops. It only changes the behavior and not our nature.

When Jesus died on a cross, he was exposing the high cost of our sin. This is what it takes to claw back to Eden—you’d have to beat yourself up to the point of bloody shreds. Jesus placed himself under the cost of our curse, so that now and eternally, we’d know that our shame was revoked. He did this out of love, but even better, out of grace, a costly love. When Jesus resurrected, this was showing he didn’t just pay a cost, but he also wants an eternal relationship, a relationship without shame. Think of that. He not only died for sin, but came back to live with us, walk alongside us, love us into who we could truly be.

Think of every other relationship you’ve ever had, whether it was with a person, with money, beauty, reputation, sports team, housing association, government, church, career. If you fail those things, they will shame you, and even if you change for them, they have you by the neck, and you’ll still feel unfulfilled. It’s a constant balancing act with unstable, unpredictable forces. These idols promise wholeness, but crush you the second you fail.

With Christ, if you fail him, he’s already taken the shame. He’s already forgiven you. And when you follow him, he actually fulfills you. There’s not an ounce of punishment or penalty in him towards you. He is purely grace. His love is such that, if you mess up, he already knew it was coming, and so instead of compensating for all the mess before, you can actually become who you are meant to be in Him now. No other person, philosophy, system, or interaction offers such grace when you fail.

And only grace, in the end, is the pure motivation that causes true heart transformation. It may take longer, but that’s why it’s grace. Shame is like laying down bricks that never grow, but only keep shape. Grace is like planting seeds, that push through the dirt to the sun, so that your whole being is different. With shame, you only change for what it looks like. With grace, you change because you want to, because you can’t help but look at a savior and be tenderized and galvanized towards His goodness.

— J.S.

#waylandheat #guilt #shame #religion #faith #psychology #Christianity #Jesus

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crimewizards · 7 years

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im feeling weird. my little sibling has been seeing a gender therapist and wants to be called elliot and be referred to as my brother and its just

weird

like, i saw this coming, and was sort of expecting a name change somewhere along the line, and if he asks in time he might be able to get puberty blockers or something, but i still feel odd. maybe its because this is someone ive known my whole life?? like, ive watched this kid grow up. im responsible for like, most of this kids mannerisms. its something weve discussed here and there, with both his gender and my own, and it didnt feel this way when a school friend transitioned. again, maybe its because this is a person ive known for 13 years (his whole life) instead of three or four (school friend)

its gonna take some getting used to, yeah, and its probably good that hes doing this now, since the school years about to start up, so everyone can get used to it.

while i was away, i was talking about my sibling (brother?) with a friend, and referred to him as “they” and he (the friend) stopped me and just asked “(name) is a they?” and i didnt really know what to answer. i said something along the lines of “its something were trying” but felt embarrassed for some reason, because he (bro) has been going by “he” in our house for a few weeks now.

like immediately my mind went to “what nickname can i give him” because im so used to a one or two syllable nickname and he said “eli” would be a good one, but i feel like the harsh “ee” in “eli” doesnt fit the “eh” sound in elliot. i was thinking about “ell” or something like that, and momentarily toyed with the idea of “lio” just to see how hed react. i havent gotten a chance to employ this, he dropped the bomb on us (see: me (i was the only one who didnt know)) about twenty minutes ago.

i dont even know what spelling of elliot he wants to use but im like relatively sure it comes from billy elliot, which he recently saw at the theater company i worked with this summer.

when i found out that my school friend was a trans guy, wanted to go by ‘he’ instead of ‘they’ (previously genderfluid) about a year ago, i found out through tumblr and i didnt know why he didnt tell me through a text or something. i asked him about it when the school year started, and weve all gotten used to it at this point. hed already been going by his chosen name for a good 8 months by that point, so that was no hard switch.

weve been calling my bro a more masculine version of his given name for a while now, so this is going to be a strange transition (ha) phase for us. and he fully understands if we slip up and hes totally okay with it, he knows that everyone makes mistakes and its all generally okay, but were going to our uncles wedding next week so were trying out the name and seeing how he likes it or if he wants to go by something else or just permanently go by the short masc version of his given name.

so, yeah. thats whats going on now i guess. i know im going to have to bring it up with my therapist the next time i see her, but that wont be for a little while bc were (again) going to my uncles wedding (in colorado) and i wont be able to go to my usual appointment. by the time we get back, itll probably have just been after the first day of school, so im going to have a lot to unpack by that point, and im not sure that ill remember by then. i may have gotten used to it in two weeks. i dont want to go to colorado, i just got home from scotland, i want to stay home.

ive been stressed lately and fighting down some sort of meltdown for a few days now. mentioned to my therapist that i unhealthily fought it down on friday and brushed off when friends asked if i was okay over dinner, bc i didnt know how to answer. we had just seen a show at that point about mental health with a character who constantly said “im fine” when she wasnt and im worried that theyll think that im emulating her instead of the first character whos depressed and has mad agoraphobia and anxiety. like, see me as him, not as the girl who has full on meltdowns in public (oh wait) so theres all that. im worried im going snap at friends when the school year starts. im worried im going to lose people again. i havent finished my summer reading, kids are going to be looking up to me, im going to start applying for colleges and havent really written an essay yet. i dont know if im ready to go back to school, but at the same time i am, because i need structure in my life to function properly. itll be good for me.

this summer has been really good, actually. ive got my name on a real, actual program as the real actual costume designer, i finished editing my music video today, i went and performed in the edinburgh fringe festival with people i love, some whom ive known for five years, my uncles getting married, and his fiancee is one of the coolest people ive met. shes a total hippie/witch, bought me black candles, and we welcomed her into the family really quickly. shes going to be a great addition.

theres still a lot of important conversations that i need to have, but im relatively happy with where i am. and ive been like?? rationalizing with mental health in an okay way. i thought id have one of those convos last week and didnt, but things were still moving forward. i feel like this is the happy point in the post, so i cant get super dramatic and say i want to die and have been telling myself i cant yet because ive got shit to do first. i dont have a plan, dont worry, its just one of those invasive thoughts that i push away and that only come out when im really stressed or being super dramatic. lmao looks like i got dramatic anyway.

this post was supposed to end four paragraphs ago. i know there are people looking out for me. im looking out for them too. its going to be okay, things are just changing. im just having a little trouble with that, i guess.

kudos if youve made it this far. i know its a lot of rambling, but i needed to get my thoughts down. if youve read this and you know me irl/have my number/go to school with me, dont contact me about this. im shouting into the void, essentially.

thats all from me. catch ya later

#lav talks #really long post #just getting my thoughts down

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captain-unlikelynutbouquet-blog · 6 years

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