#and it’s like come back after 15!!! this is bad for my health. i think.

[angelwhofell]

a little bit of dopamine

pt ii of just friends. pt i

warning: toto being an asshole both of you are being mean to each other as well as sweet, health issues, a lot of stress, maybe something different in the end?

summary: after a dreadful race, you are again motivated to look forward to the next race. You wanted a podium for Lewis, didn't want disappointed looks especially couldn't afford disappointing toto. Could that be possible? especially when your health suddenly took a toll just during the race week.

word count: 2.7k

bold italics: conversation

italics: thoughts.

(english is not my first language , so the sentence formations might not be the best. Open to any constructive criticisms, thank for your reading)

"come on, eat that up, quit playing with ya' food." Ayesha nudged your side as she stuffed the toast in her mouth. "hmm" you didn't bother to further add a few words to your reply as you poked sharply at that small sausage on the plate. Yet you kept playing with the food instead of actually using it to good use, eating it. Ayesha swallowed, and then looked at you with a hint of concern, usually to comments like that, you'd reply 'kay mom but you didn't seem to talk much for the past few weeks.

Ayesha knew you were bothered by the previous week's result but things like that had happened before but that never gave you a chance to be so sullen. She quickly moved your plate making you flinch aggressively and snap at her, "What?"

She shifted closer and wrapped her arms around your shoulder. You stiffened for a moment but let yourself lose to it eventually. Both of your friendships had started way before you joined f1. Previously you both were flatmates for several years before she moved out with her then-boyfriend who is now her husband. She was the closest person here to whom you could confide things which wasn't possible even with your parents.

"it's my eyes."

"has it become worse? did you make an appointment with the doctor?" Her voice had become low and serious. The degenerative eye disease that you have been suffering for the past few years has apparently worsened, despite the strict diet you were on, nothing seemed to work. Until last winter holiday, he mentioned that excessive stress and strain on the eyes could cause the vision to worsen and these days you were having trouble viewing the peripherals.

"I didn't, probably the medicines will help. And perhaps the race weekend can make it better." you chipped, trying to cheer up. But Ayesha didn't buy your words, "You think so? it can make it worse too. is everything all right, am pretty sure it's not just the race."

you tried to reassure her that it was just the race, or that's what you thought. "Did that lamppost say anything?"

"Lamppost?" you asked with a raised brow. She let out a stifled laugh, "Don't tell me you are not aware. Toto." You gasped inaudibly, clasping her hands, "You call him that." She bit back another laugh, "Not just me, almost everyone. It's surprising you don't know about it, given that you too-

you cut her off, knowing where she would take her conversations too, "Yes, my bad. I didn't know." Soon your sight fell on the watch it was 10am, "oh no."

"What?" Ayesha asked.

"it's 10am." "oh no indeed, we are late for the meeting," Toto had mentioned a short meeting today at 9:45am regarding today's qualifying and race. And you both had managed to be late by 15 minutes. Quickly rushing up to the debriefing room, she quietly walked inside the room where almost 20 people were already present, with a semicircle formed around their boss. Good enough for both, for him to not notice you two.

But he did notice your absence the moment the meeting had started. Yet he kept it to himself and didn't bother to text you since you had been acting differently since that night. Twice you snapped at him, three times a cold shoulder, and ten dry text replies, which was quite an unusual behavior given that you had never really acted like this before for so long at least. He thought he looked quite unbothered by your absence, but the frequent tap of his shoes and eyes looking nonchalantly in the crowd instead of looking at the head advisor, made Bono's assumption correct.

As soon as you merged into the crowd, you peeped to the side to hear out what the advisor had to say. His nonchalant gaze continued but stopped when he noticed you in the room, and at the same time you saw him too. You pressed up a small smile at him, to which he simply turned his head to the side. 

“What” you mouthed inaudibly, confused at his unusual behaviour. Ayesha, who noticed this little interaction, whispered, ”What’s wrong, trouble in paradise?” but quickly pressed her lips together at your stony glance towards her. You tried to listen to the advisor but your eyes wandered off around him, and so did he. For the next hour, every time your eyes met his, you rolled your eyes and the next time he did the same. At this point, it was an ‘eye-roll’ competition of who could do it the most. 

Both Bono and Ayesha looked at each other like embarrassed parents with disappointed kids, misbehaving in public. She pulled you away from the crowd and made you stand behind, ”Quit behaving like that, and for the next few minutes you’re going to listen to him attentively.”

And like a mother, she made you stand behind and pay attention. The meeting was wrapped up in the next 15 minutes and the crowd was quickly dismissed except for a few people who were still in the room. Toto and bono walked up to you and Ayesha as you greeted them. 

“No schatzi today eh? Quite surprising.” Ayesha spoke up, a little loudly, as she clicked her tongue.

“Seriously?” Both Toto and you responded at the same time, “shut up maybe” you added, looking around if anyone else had heard.

She sighed, “I don’t get you both, sometimes you both are all friendly and then the next moment you both are each other’s worst enemy and the fact you both have to ‘hide’ your friendship from others is suspicious.” Spoke in a low yet stern voice.

“I agree.” Bono quietly replied, which wasn’t really quiet to both of you. “Quiet Bono,” Toto said with gritted teeth. 

“And you- Ayesha continued pointing her fingers at Toto -are a married man, make sure you know what you are doing.” 

“I am quite aware- not letting Toto finish his sentence, she ended hers by saying “Y/N hope you know you shouldn’t be going after a married man.” With that she left the room, with Bono bidding goodbye shortly after. 

The room was almost empty, “I can’t believe her.” you spoke up first.

“And I can’t believe you.” He replied in a tone laced with annoyance. Acting surprised at his words, “I didn’t even say anything”

“Well someone who looked like you clearly did it then.” The sarcasm didn’t seem to hide well.

“What is your problem?” You bit back a little sharply.

“What’s my problem? Lady you are clearly not in your right mind. All those cold shoulders and dry texts, and a snappy attitude of yours, I don’t think that's normal, at least for weeks.” He was failing to keep his english uptight as the german words or cuss kept spilling in between of his words as he angrily remarked.

You grunted angrily, ‘why did he care? Why does he always care? Why can’t he leave these small things alone.’ your head spasmed in tremendous pain as the sight before you started to blur out a bit. 

“Why do you-” 

“Care? Because I am-”

“Friend. I know, you don’t have to tell me or anyone that repetitively. I just don’t understand why it is a big deal. As far as I can remember, I didn’t ask YOU to be my friend.” your words for sure weren’t venomous as you are always sweet to others but this did spit words of venom. 

“Sure, Ich hätte dann beim Frühstück nicht neben dem einsamen Wolf sitzen sollen ( I shouldn’t have sat beside the lone wolf then during breakfast) “ he replied quietly and bitterly as he walked out of the room leaving you behind. Your hands felt sweaty and cold as his words echoed inside your mind. You hadn’t heard ‘lone wolf’ in almost 14 years, especially after Brawn Gp was changed to Mercedes. During your time there, the employees had this nickname for you to make fun out of you. You acted like it didn’t bother you but couldn’t help but feel affected by it.

But how did Toto know about it? No one had ever called me that here. Why would he-

You didn’t carry good memories from the time you were a part of Brawn gp, and this nickname was certainly not the best part of it.

Your mind swirled as the thoughts flooded back from the past, a slight burn started building up your chest and the blurriness of your sight kept increasing making your movements disbalanced as you walked towards the door. 

What happened the next moment, didn’t happen in your consciousness as you were dipped down in darkness. 

-

Toto’s pov

I couldn’t stand in the same room as Y/N. I didn’t know what on Earth had happened to her that made her act this way. So I didn’t think twice and replied, “Sure, Ich hätte dann beim Frühstück nicht neben dem einsamen Wolf sitzen sollen ( I shouldn’t have sat beside the lone wolf then during breakfast) “ 

She didn’t expect this from me, neither did I. Yet I spilled it, mistakenly. The sudden change in her expression, built up a guilt inside me. Unable to withstand it any further, I left the room. No sooner did I start making my way to the office, I heard Lewis’ voice.

“Toto, Y/N. She has passed out.” In a voice filled with anxiety and distress he called out. Before I could even process the situation, the medics stood around her as Lewis held her. Still unconscious, the doctor checked her pulse and asked her assistance to call for an ambulance. 

‘What on Earth’ 

Y/N still laid flat on the ground with her upper body on Lewis’ Hands for support. “You leave, Lewis. Let me take her to the hospital.” 

There was a look of hesitant, evident on his face, but I reassured him that it would be fine. “Ok.” 

With that he carefully got up, as I replaced his hands with mine and lifted her up in my arms. The doctor informed me that the ambulance had arrived so I waited till the stretchers arrived to take her with them and I followed. 

Y/N was quickly admitted as I waited outside for the doctor. Soon, I saw Ayesha running up to the general wards section, and with a heavy voice she said,”What happened? How did-

On narrating the whole conversation to her, I received a bit of scolding from her and then she told me the problem she has regarding her eyesight and how much stress is bad for it. Clearly, I stressed her out enough to make her go in this condition. After she left, I sat there for a few more hours, tried to contact my assistant about my absence from this race and then called Claire.

She, as usual, left me with a voice note, asking me to call her back later. Even her unusual behaviour has been more bothersome to me, it has been going on for a few months and she refuses to elaborate on that. On asking for explanations, it ends up in a nasty fight to not talk to each other for a few days and then I become the bad guy.

In this situation I am the bad guy again. I just hoped she’d wake up soon. I quickly met up with the doctor, upon asking him he told me she might be a little loopy with the medicine he gave her to destress. 

“What else can I do?” 

“There is nothing specific you can do but a little bit of dopamine will help her recover quickly. Meaning, the things that make her happy.”

With that I thanked the doctor and left. I sat outside her room for a few minutes, thinking about what she likes. She loves books but is in no position to read any, loves talking about science but I don’t want to stress her out by talking to her. 

Food.

Yes, she loves eating, especially brownies and icecream. I quickly walked down the street to a nearby bakery to get brownies and when I saw brownies there were 10 varieties of them and I didn’t know which was her favourite so I got each one of them and a tub of mango icecream. 

Hope it de-stresses her. 

-

You grunted out as you lifted your head from the pillows behind you. The blurriness had started to fade away a bit as the vision had become clear, yet you had no idea why you had ended up in a hospital bed. But you did feel weirdly giggly and sleepy.

The door of the room creaked open as you sat up defensively. You blinked and rubbed your eyes vigorously to figure out the person who walked inside the room.

“Oh, you’re awake.” It was Toto.

“Why am I here? What had happened, what about the race- oh today is the the qualifying.” you started fidgeting as you remembered you weren’t in the paddock but in a hospital and the team principal was in the same place as yours. 

‘Was everything alright at the paddock?’ ‘was there any accident’ you had started panicking and it was quite evident which made toto panic to see you stress out.

He quickly sat by your bedside and clasped his hand on your shoulder,” don’t worry, you happened to have a small accident and the race is still on. A pole for Lewis in the quali by the way and P3 for george.”

Your eyes lit up with joy with a toothy smile making your jaws hurt,”Really? Oh my, finally.”

“Yes, so I got you these.” He said, holding out a big packet.

Confused you asked,”What’s this?” 

“Look for yourself.” Just as you opened it, the room was filled with a thick fragrance of cocoa, the warm brownies on your hand made you tear up. Again, panic filled within Toto as he thought you didn’t like it, but it was quite the opposite.

And then you took out the huge tub of mango icecream. 

“All for me?” your voice sounded low.

“Yes schatzi, do you not-  his words were muted as the hug was huge and tight from you. “Thank you thank you thank you” you kept murmuring making him chuckle. He was happy that this added a little bit of dopamine. 

You spent the whole evening eating brownie and ice cream, occasionally sharing it with Toto. As the night started to set in, he got up to leave.

“I will come tomorrow, Ayesha might stop by later in the night- he stopped in the middle as he noticed you were busy watching television and eating. Taking the remote he muted the channel.

“Hey!” you protested, “listen to me.” sternly he remarked, biting back a smile as he saw crumbs of brownie by the side of your lips going unnoticed. He bent down, moving a little closer to your face. Although you were still loopy, you could make sense of your surroundings properly. 

“What are you- you cut yourself off mid sentence as he brushed off the crumbs from the corner of your lips with his thumb. The warmth of his finger against your lips pulsated the beatings in your heart. Yet for some reason, he didn’t remove his thumb immediately and kept it still on the side of your face. 

Your eyes inevitably glanced at his lips, that parted then pressed in tightly, then to his hair that looked quite smooth to you, today. Your hands almost tickled to touch them, grab the-

Almost as if summoned back to reality, Toto quickly moved his fingers from you and straightened himself. Coughing out the awkwardness, “I will see you tomorrow. Take care”

With that he left the room within seconds, faster than he moved his hands away from your face.

You lay flat on the bed and stared at the ceiling, placing the right hand on your heart, you could still feel it beating at 240 mph against your ribcage. A little heat crept up to both of your cheeks as you mentally cursed yourself,”You can’t possibly have a crush on him.”

-

Taglist :

@totowolfffcheco

-

Thank you for 90+ reads on my previous fiction, much appreciated.

[planet4546b]

screaming and crying and wailing and howling after only getting a 10 min break when it’s supposed to be 30 mins

[finnsbubblegum]

The Neighbor (Joel Miller X Reader)

Pairing: no-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

Warnings: fluff, sweet joel, domestic joel, rom-com

Summary (Series): reader as Joel’s neighbor. Joel’s wife left him so Joel asked his neighbor for help in babysitting Sarah. 

Summary: You came across your ex on your morning walks with Joel and baby Sarah. Is Joel just your neighbor or is he your fake husband?

Words count: 2k

A/N: I’m trying to make this as a rom-com, hope you like my new series! This is part 2 of Where It All Starts. I'm happy that many of you liked it so I hope you enjoy the next parts. Love you!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20

It had been a few days since you babysit Sarah and you started to grow fond of her. You tried your best learning about babies and what was good for them. 

"I read that it's good for babies to get early morning walks." You told Joel as you put Sarah to her crib.

"Yeah?" Joel raised his eyebrows.

"Uh-huh. They said it’s a good source of Vitamin D." You stroked the baby’s head adoring her.

"Okay..I'll take her for a walk tomorrow then."

"Can I come? If it's okay with you. Of course." 

"Sure. No problem." 

You woke up earlier that day and got ready. You knocked on your neighbor's door.

"Mornin'." Joel opened the door with Sarah in his arms. 

"Morning." You waved your hand. 

"Come in." Joel invited you inside his house. 

"Hi sweetie, ready for a walk?" You caressed baby Sarah's cheek who was still in Joel’s arms. 

"I need to get the baby stroller ready. Can you hold her for a while?" Joel asked you for help.

"Sure." You opened your arms and took Sarah. 

Joel went to get the baby stroller and got it ready. He placed it beside you and you put Sarah in the stroller. 

"Okay. All done." 

"Let's go." You took the stroller and pushed it. 

"After you." Joel opened the door for you. 

The weather was nice. It was sunny but not too hot. It was the perfect weather to have a morning walk. You were happy you brought up the idea to Joel. 

"I'll do it." Joel slowly moved your hands from the stroller so he could push it. 

The three of you walked around the neighborhood looking like a real newlywed with a newborn baby. You liked the idea of thinking of having a family but deep down in your heart you weren't ready to start a new relationship. Joel probably wasn’t ready too.

"Thank you by the way." Joel suddenly thanked you.

"For what?" You tilted your head and faced him. 

"For this. For carin' about Sarah's health. I didn't even know babies need vitamin Ds from sun and everythin'." He scoffed. He looked like he was guilty of being a bad father. 

"Oh! Well, you're welcome. I'm trying my best to be a good babysitter." You joked. 

"I'm sure you'll be a good mom." He smiled at you. 

"Thank-" You couldn't finish what you wanted to say as you saw someone familiar across you. 

"(y/n)?" A familiar man called your name.

"Chad? You live around here?" You were shocked and startled to tremble because of arising anger inside you.

"No. I-uh- I didn't know you had a baby." He pointed at baby Sarah who was sleeping in the stroller. 

"Do you know this man?" Joel looked at you confused.

"Yeah, he was-uhm-my ex." 

Joel nodded. He opened his mouth wanting to say something but closed it again. 

"What are you doing here?" Your voice was shaky trying not to cry. 

"I was visiting my girlfri-" Chad answered but you cut him.

"You mean the girl you cheated on me with." You scoffed and rolled your eyes. Joel’s eyes widened and he crossed his arms to his chest.

"(y/n), I'm really sor-" You cut him again.

"Save it, Chad. I don't want to hear anything from you again. Let's hope we won't cross paths again." You wanted to yell at him, hit him, slap him but you couldn’t. Not in front of Joel and baby Sarah.

Sarah suddenly cried. You immediately moved to lift her to your chest and pat her back gently. 

"Shh..Shh..I'm here, I'm here sweetie. You want to go home, don't you?" You cooed as you tried using Sarah to get out of the situation. 

"Come on, Joel. Sarah wants to go home.” You put your hand to Joel’s upper arm.

You left your ex without explanation of who Sarah was or who Joel was, on purpose. You didn’t mean to use Joel and Sarah this way but you needed to. You wanted your ex to know that you were doing well without him. You wanted him to believe that you were happily married with a handsome husband and a beautiful baby even though it wasn’t the truth. If you had to be honest, you were still heart broken. You had trust issues with men since you got cheated on twice by the same man.

“You okay?” Joel was concerned because you were quiet the whole way back to Joel’s house.

“Hmm? What did you say?” You got back to reality.

“You okay?” Joel repeated.

“Yeah, yeah. Why am I not okay?” You scoffed trying to play it cool.

“Okay.” Joel was curious about you but he didn’t want to cross the line. 

“So, will you be home as usual?” You took Sarah from the stroller and moved her to the carseat.

“Uhm..I was thinkin’ about eating out for dinner. The three of us. If you want.” Joel’s cheek redden. 

“Of course. That’s a great idea.” 

“I’ll drive you to work today. Then I’ll pick you up at 6?” Joel suggested.

“Sure, thanks.” 

Joel dropped you off at work. He got out of the car just to help you with the baby stuff so he didn’t go inside the cafe to introduce himself because he was late to work. He kissed Sarah’s forehead before he drove away. You waved him goodbye and went inside your cafe.

“Is that the dad?” Your co-worker asked.

“That’s “the neighbor”?” Flo giggled and pushed you teasingly.

“Yep, that’s my neighbor, Joel. Sarah’s dad.” You crossed your arms to your chest.

“Your neighbor is freaking hot.” Flo shook you excitedly.

“I agree.” Your other co-worker added.

“Stop it. You guys.” You shook your head.

“Wonder why the baby’s mom left.” Flo wondered. 

You had told her what you heard the other night when Joel had a fight with his wife. Joel hadn’t told you anything about his wife or what happened. And you had never asked him about it. You knew it was something private and you would wait until he decided to open up to you. Because if you were in the same position, you also needed time to open up. Just like your random meeting with your ex this morning, you weren’t ready to talk about it. And Joel didn’t ask you a thing so you understood why he hadn’t told you about his wife. 

“I’m sure they have a reason.” You replied.

“Has he told you?” Flo asked.

“No. It’s not our business, Flo. Let’s get back to work.” You squeezed her shoulder and got back to work.

It was finally 6PM and you were waiting for Joel to pick you and Sarah up. You checked everything and left the rest to your employees. 10 minutes later Joel’s truck was parked in front of your cafe. He got out of the car and went inside. 

“Hey.” Joel greeted you.

“Hi.” You smiled.

“You haven’t met my friends. Guys, this is Joel. My neighbor.” You introduced him to your employees whom you considered your friends. You widened your eyes telling them to act normal.

“Hi, I’m Joel. Nice to meet you.” He shook their hands one by one. 

“Okay, I’m going now. Don’t forget to lock the door, okay?” You reminded your employees.

“I’ll see you guys later.” Joel took the baby bag and Sarah who was in the car seat. 

You and Joel went inside the car and you could feel that your employees were making heart gestures behind you. You looked back with two fingers pointing to your eyes then to them. You swore to God if Joel saw them, you would kill your employees for making you embarrassed. Thank God they acted normal when Joel and you got in the car facing them. 

“Do you have something you want to eat?” Joel started the car.

“Hmm. Let me think.” You put your hand to your chin.

“How about Mexican?” You suggested.

“I know a place.” Joel nodded and started driving.

You suggested Mexican for dinner so Joel drove you to his regular Mexican place. Joel and you were already comfortable enough with each other so you didn’t feel awkward with him. You two talked about different things but again, not relationship stuff. He didn’t even bring up what happened that morning and you were glad because you weren’t ready to open up.

“Hmm, this is so good. Why didn’t I know about this place?” You mumbled as you munched your empanadas.

“I’m glad it suits your taste.” Joel smiled.

*Sarah cries*

“Oh baby, you’re hungry too, aren’t you?” You cooed.

“Come here, come here.” You lifted Sarah from the car seat and brought her to your chest.

“Can you pass me her bottle from the bag please?” You pointed at the baby bag next to Joel.

“I’ll feed her.” Joel took the bottle and opened his arms for you to move Sarah to him.

“No, no. It’s okay. I’ll feed her. You must be tired from work.” You insisted.

Joel passed you the feeding bottle and you fed baby Sarah. She immediately sucked the bottle and drank the baby formula. 

“How do you know right away?” Joel was amused.

“Know what?” 

“That she’s hungry.” Joel rested his chin on his palm.

“I don’t know. Maybe we’re telepathic?” You shrugged. 

“You’re a natural.” Joel chuckled as he shoved a spoonful of his food.

Your stomach growled and you remembered you needed to eat too. So you put the baby bottle on the table for a second to eat. But when you grabbed your empanadas and just got only one bite, the baby in your arms snuggled her face to your breast. 

“Nuh-uh, Sarah, babygirl, don’t do that. That’s inappropriate.” Joel moved his index finger as a gesture of saying don’t. 

“Oh my God! What’s she doing?” You burst into laughter.

“Ugh-Sarah..baby..” Joel was embarrassed by his daughter’s actions.

“You’re funny, little girl. But, I don’t have any milk in my boobies sweetie.” You caressed her head.

“Here you go.” You put the baby bottle for her to suck.

“I’m sorry.” Joel apologized.

“It’s okay. I wish I could breastfeed her. I’m sorry.” You felt bad for the adorable baby girl in your arms for not being able to be breastfed. 

Joel spaced out for a while. His eyes were glistening with tears while watching her daughter in your arms. You looked at him and your heart broke for him. He was probably thinking about his wife or his daughter who should have had a mother.

“Joel?” You called him and he didn’t answer.

“Joel..” You called his name again.

“Huh?” He looked at you. A tear fell down to his cheeks and he wiped it hurriedly.

“You okay there?” You were concerned.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good. You haven’t eaten yet. Let me help you.” He offered to feed you.

“No, no. It’s okay. I can eat later.” You were afraid he could see you blush when he fed you.

“Come on. Don’t want you to get sick.” He insisted and fed you.

You didn’t have a choice. So you opened your mouth and let him feed you. You were blushing. You hoped he didn’t realize your cheeks redden because of him. 

“Thank you.” You chewed as you fed baby Sarah.

Joel helped you eat until you finished feeding Sarah. You felt taken care of even when you had to take care of someone’s baby. You had never felt this way towards a man. Maybe..Maybe Joel was different. Different from your ex. Maybe he was a good guy. 

“Check, please.” Joel raised his hand to call the waitress. 

The waitress came to your table and gave you the check. Joel read the receipt and took out his wallet.

“I’ve been looking at the three of you and I wanted to say that you’re a really cute family. You two made a really beautiful baby.” The waitress said as she smiled at the baby. She was a bit older, in her 50s maybe.

“Oh! I’m not his wife. We’re neighbors.” You chuckled.

“Thank you.” Joel didn’t say anything but only a thank you. He gave the money to the waitress and she left with a shake on her head.

“She’s funny.” You shook your head.

“How much do I owe you?” You took out your purse.

“Oh, no. My treat.” Joel stopped your hand.

“Really?” 

“Yes, it’s nothin’ really. You did a lot for me and Sarah. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Okay. Thank you though. For dinner.” You smiled.

To be continued…

Taglist:

@lovelyygirl8 @skysmiller @moonlightdivine @crocodiile @angie2274 @pulchritudinousrogers @peqchsoup @msecho19 @happinessinthebeing @nyotamalfoy

[bangchansgirlsblog]

another random idea.. Fem 9th member maknae reader who secretly smokes and gets caught by one of the boys who later snitches and tells chan. Reader and Chan fall out and she storms out of the dorms and ends up staying in her apartment instead to let off some steam. She realised how bad the smoking was for her health and how much it impacted her social life so she first to JYP and they send her to rehab + puts her on hiatus for two months because of rehab. Chan thinks it’s his fault for the hiatus as none of the members were told that she was going to rehab. They later find out and when Reader returns back from rehab/hiatus they all tell her how proud they are of her?

(sorry for the LONGGGG paragraph, i didn’t intend for it to be this long🧍‍♀️)

My biggest problem.

Okay maybe I got carried away a little and changed it a little but yeah forgive me 😜

Enjoy

-🩷

**

Y/n started smoking when she was 15.

She didn't know that she was eventually going to be a trainee the year after.

It was never part of her plan but when they scouted her when she was at the mall with her mum, it was a new chapter in her story and her mum begged for her to try it out. As her training days began and she tried to quit she found that she couldn’t go a day without smoking.

She was already addicted to it.

Her habit became stronger and stronger as the days got harder.

6 hours dance practice, 4 hours vocal and 2 hours media training. She found her self sneaking out for smokes during short breaks or before leaving the dorms for any type of schedule.

It sucked that she couldn't get out of it and it was affecting her.

At this point she didn’t even want to stop because if she did her body would fail.

**

1:45 pm, New York City.

"Alright people let's get started shall we?" The instructor walked onto the stage and stood at the edge waiting for everyone to get in place.

Y/n put her water bottle down and walked over to the group to get into her place so they could start practicing for the show that would happen the next day.

"Y/n and I.N I want more energy from the both of you please," Chan told the two maknae's. He was stood in the back analyzing everything to make sure it was on point.

The two nodded and stood ready to start. The sound of Charmer filled the whole stadium and their bodies started to move with the music. Their vocals being on point and their dancing being better than the last.

"What do you think?" The manager asked Chan. He was now stood down off stage looking at a different point of you. The rest of the band gasping for air.

"It was okay, I liked it but the lighting crew need to do better because I can barely see Felix in the back." He pointed and waved as he spoke. Trying to show the manager what he was imagining.

Y/n saw this as an opportunity to slip away for a bit for a short smoke break. She needed it. Her hands were shaking and her body couldn't really function due to the fuck she was going through withdrawals.

"Chan, may I use the washroom?" Her voice was timid but Chan was used to it and was able to hear her over his earpeaces.

"Yeah you can, five minutes yeah?" He replied. "Do you need one of the boys to come with you-"

"No no no it's fine," she replied fast, way to fast for Chan's liking.

"Okay," he squinted his eyes in suspicion but let it go.

She grabbed her bag and made her way through the different hallway. Making sure no one was in sight, she slipped through the backdoor to the back way alley.

It was quiet. No one was there and she was glad. She let go of the sign that lingered in her chest and pulled out the pack of cigs that laid neatly in her small pouch.

Her hands shook as she grabbed one cigarette and put it between her lips where she lit it and took a big puff.

Her body relaxed as the smoke filled her lungs. Her brain that was going hellfire was now calm and relaxed as well.

She thought she was safe when she reached for the second one. None of the boys had called her phone and it had been about 5 minutes.

"Just one more," she thought to herself.

"Y/n?" a voice called right by her ear causing her to jump and drop the pack of cigs.

"What are you doing?" She turned to look at Hyunjin who was visibly angry.

His eyebrows were furrowed and his lips were sealed tightly together.

"Hyunjin what are you doing here?" She asked as she got on her knees trying to collect the cigarettes that were now scattered all over.

"What do you mean what are you doing here? What are YOU doing here Y/n? And why are you smoking? Have you gone mad? Does Chan know about this?" He questioned standing there in shock.

"No,no Chan doesn't know about this and you're not telling him," Y/n hushed him trying to stop him from shouting and yelling.

"I think you've actually gone insane! Ofcourse I'm telling Chan,” he grabbed the cigarettes from Y/n's hand and threw them back to the ground where he stomped all over them.

"Inside. Now." He said through gritted teeth. Y/n was scared, it was visible. She grabbed her back and slowly made her way inside the venue. Her lips quivered.

"Hyunjin please don't tell Chan, please I'll do anything," she begged.

"I have to Y/n. I'm so disappointed in you. We trusted you and you do this?" His eyes couldn't meet hers. His body was tense as they walked backstage to the rooms in the back. The hallways gettin busier each second. The employees questioning why she was crying.

"Are you okay-"

"Yes she is please go along with your work," Hyunjin snapped at one of the ladies. Y/n looked up at him frightened because he was always nice to people, he never once raised his voice at an employee.

When they arrived in the room. The boys were sat on the couches or having lunch. Chan was texting on his phone when he looked up.

"Y/n? Why did you bathroom break take so long?" He laughed and looked at Hyunjin who wasn't smiling.

"I caught her smoking Chan, she reeks of cigarettes" her head fell and she looked at her new trainers that one of the companies had sent her for promotion. It looked so intriguing all of a sudden.

"You caught her what? Hyunjin your joking," Chan laughed, "please tell me your joking," he paused and looked at the serious Hyunjin.

"Tell him, tell him now." He slightly pushed her in front of him so they could be face to face.

"I-I can explain Chan,"

"No way Y/n please tell me you're joking," his voice became harsh. The boys all turned to Y/n. They were all shocked at this because she was the last person to ever do such a thing.

"What the fuck?" Changbin's voice sounded. "You've been smoking?"

"Only a little," her voice was small. Timid almost.

"Don't lie, please don't fucking lie right now Y/n." Chan says walking closer to the younger.

"Sit down, now." Leeknow says standing up and dropping his chopsticks.

"Your only 19, I get your all 'grown' BUT your still so young. You're an idol. An idol!" Chan's hand smashes against the table making her jump in her sit.

"Okay then if you think I'm an adult I should be able to smoke or drink or-"

"Are you out of your mind momo?" He snapped back at her, "Do you know what it does to you?"

"But Chan-"

"Quit Or I'll make you quit," was all Chan said before he stormed out the room leaving her with the boys who looked very disappointed.

"I get it, you don't have to look at me like I'm some monster," she wiped her tears with her sleeve to clean the tears that run down her cheeks.

"I just don't have words for you right now, your irresponsible, selfish and careless," Leeknow's words were harsh. So harsh that even Hyunjin cringed and felt bad.

"Then kick me out the band if it's such a big deal," was all she said before she got up and run out the room down the hallway past Chan who was standing by the doors while a manger tried to calm him down and out the stadium. It was cold and she had left all her stuff inside so she was forced to run down the busy streets of New York, freezing.

Chan following after her trying to figure out what was going on.

Her body was shaking from all the tears she cried.

But she continued to run.

She was able to disappear from Chan’s sight. Now Chan was really angry and worried. He'd lost his youngest in the busy streets of New York. She was new to the city and she was an idol. Anything could go wrong. Anything could go extremely wrong.

His heart was beating out of his chest. He grabbed his phone out of his picked rushing to call his manager then leeknow and the boys.

He found himself back in the changing rooms surrounded by everyone. Trying to calm him down.

"I'll go back to the hotel just in case she's back there," Felix assured Chan while he packed up his stuff.

"I'll come with you Lix," Hyunjin grabbed his bag aswell making sure to grab her stuff from the ground. He opened to make sure all her stuff was inside but the site wasn't pretty at all.

Underneath everything he saw 4 more packs of cigarettes causing him to gasp horrendously.

"What? What is it?" Bangchan's neck snapped to his direction. Hyunjin had no words so he just passed the bag to Chan who was now terrified.

"Is she addicted?" Was all he asked before handing the bag to leeknow who was curious aswell.

Chan's hands run through his hair as he was thinking of all the possible ways he could find her in the whole of New York City. He felt guilt. He felt like if he had maybe approached this in a nicer way they could have worked through it but now his anger was just blinding him.

"Okay, police were informed and we're about to go driving around to see if we can somehow spot her," their manager tells them (he was also panicking low key but he didn’t want them knowing) , "do you guys want to join?"

"I'll come with you," Leeknow says quickly.

His hands were shaking and he felt so much guilt aswell. If anything happened to Y/n it would be all his fault and he wouldn't forgive himself.

"Same Hyung," Han jumps in.

They all grabbed their bags and the three (Han, Leeknow and Chan) quickly rushed out right behind their manager.

The rest of the boys cleaned up and quickly left to go to the hotel hoping to find her there safe and sound.

It took 5 hours. 5 hours before Felix had decided to go to the cafe by the hotel to grab drinks for everyone and he had found her sat in a coffee shop, she was shivering and cold but Felix didn’t care because he was angry and Felix was never angry. Without hesitation, Felix dragged her out and back to the hotel even if she was kicking and screaming. He didn’t care. At all. He ignored her pleas and cries.

The lecture she got from Chan and all of them was hot and mean and ruthless but at the end of the day they gave her a choice to either quit or go to rehab but she chose to quit. She “promised” them.

After an hour of grilling her for answers she finally had admitted to everything that was going on and how she felt and how she was battling her own self.

Chan was beating himself up for not noticing and Leeknow was beating himself up for not being there for her.

She was so vulnerable. They all knew her secrets and her problems. She felt like a show everyone was just watching and waiting to break.

**

6:20, Japan

The first time the boys had noticed her odd behavior was starting up again, was when they had a sign meet and a concert right after. She hadn’t been able to go for a smoke in hours, her body was now trembling and she was sweating a lot. She could barely get through anything and nausea started to grow string in the pit of her stomach.

“Hey, you okay? You kinda look pale love,” Han was sat next to her getting his makeup done and so was she. He had notice she was fidgeting a lot in the chair. Her eyes were red too.

“Yeah just really tired,” she lied and gulped down thick saliva trying to get rid of the nausea but it completely failed.

“I think I’m going to be sick-“ she got up from the chair and run through the corridors to find the bathroom and once she did she through up, but it was good it was just mucus. Her head was thumping and her throat ached.

A hurried knock made her stand up and flush before she opened the door and collapsed in Han’s hands. He was worried for his younger and now he had to curry her to the rooms.

“Hey, stay with me okay? Don’t close your eyes,” he softly said while he blew air into her face to keep her cool.

When he had walked in and found leeknow sat on their changing room couch he let out a sigh of relief.

“Leeknow help me please! It’s Y/n,” he said panicked. Without hesitation leeknow stood up quickly and took her from Hans hands and put her on the couch to lay down.

Han had run down the corridor to get medics as leeknow woke her up from her faint state.

“Momo? Can you hear me? It’s leeknow,” a soft groan left her lips.

“Would you like some water?” She nodded her head and leeknow was on it. He got on one knee and started to feed her small sips of water.

“Tell me what hurts,” he softly said and played with her hair to calm her down.

“Everything,” she softly said and it aches Leeknow’s hurt.

Y/n knew the only way for her to get out of this state was to smoke but how?

“Leeknow, I- I need to use the bathroom,” she groaned and held her hand against her head.

“If you need to puke i’ll get you a bucket love,” he assured her. He didn’t want her waking and being left alone right now. He wouldn’t allow it.

“I need to pee,”

“Okay can you wait until the medics are here?” And right on cue the door opens and a frantic Han walks into the room with a few people behind him. Then Chan and Hyunjin walked in right behind.

“What happened Y/n?” Chan asked straight away and knelt beside her while he rubbed her hands.

“I don’t know Oppa, I was just not feeling the best,”

“You should have told me my love,” he softly said as he watched the medical team examine her.

“I thought it wasn’t this bad,”

“Now you see what it has done,” Hyunjin joint the conversation. “Look how tired you look, have you eaten anything all day?” He asked her.

“I had the lunch Changbin braught me,”

“So if we called Changbin right now he would agree?” Hyunjin furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms. Disappointed.

“No-“

“How bad is it?” Chan asked the man in uniform.

“Not bad, she’s just really dehydrated. We’ll fix an IV on her arm and she’ll be good to go, also may I speak to you outside in the corridor,” Leeknow looks at Chan worried and they exchanged the same expression before Chan head out with the guy.

“I need to pee really bad,” Y/n whines and complains.

“Okay you can go, I’ll come with you,” the lady medic says and slowly guides her to the bathroom. Y/n grabs her lighter and cig and started to smoke it. The feelings make her body slowly awaken and then gain energy. She smoked one more just incase and then washed her hands and made her way back to the last medic.

She was able to walk on her own but just to make it not look suspicious she held onto her and then finally she sat on the couch and got the iv in her arm.

Chan was back in the room and he was examining her. Trying to look for something and once it caught his eye he looked over at the rest of the boys nodding and they all just stare at eachother.

They knew. They knew she was smoking again and it hurt Chan for what was about to come was not going to be pretty.

**

10:55, south Korea

The paparazzi lights started to increase when She stood up in the podium. Her eyes were red and she had eyebags from the lack of sleep she was getting.

Her hands shook as she grabbed the microphone. The boys stood right behind her. Their head looking at the ground trying to avoid her shaking body.

"Goodmorning, my name is Y/n Y/l/n and I'm a member of strays kids. I didn't want this to happen. Trust me I didn't,"

She took a deep breath looking at the manager that were sat in the front raw. Judging her and giving her a disgusted look.

A sob Left her mouth and she put the microphone down. Trying to get herself together before she spoke again.

"To all the stays out there, I want to say I love you and I hope you guys can forgive me for this. I will be going on haitus for a while," the room is filled with gasps as the flashlights now increase even more.

"I pray that if I do come back I will be better and stronger for you guys and that I will make my group and team proud. Thank you for loving me and i hope to see you guys soon," she bowed before taking a step back and wiping her tears.

The boys all stood around her to hide her body from the camera. Han rubbing her back and whispering something in her ear.

She didn't care though, she was upset. She was so upset with herself but she still managed to blame the boys. Her reasoning? Because she felt like they were giving her up and sending her away.

**

"Alright, are you all packed?" Their manager stood outside her room.

"Yeah" she softly said rolling her bag out and handing it to the older man.

"Alright the boys are down stairs if you want to say bye, I'll be waiting in the car," he nodded and left her to close her room and head down the steps to her band mates.

They all looked upset, there was no lie there. There were all stood by the door giving her a sympathetic smile.

"I'm going to miss you," Chan steps up and pulls her into a hug. She didn't want it though. She shrugged it off and stood there looking at him with teary eyes.

"Chan please don't do this,"

"You know I want was best for you-"

"But Chan I'll change I promise just give me a chance,"

His eyes were soft and filled with tears. Guilt was eating him up. He so badly wanted not to send her away but he didn't have a choice.

"I'm sorry," the sound of a honk interrupts them and she knew it was time for her to go.

“I hate you,” she sobbed. That was the last thing she said to him and without looking back she left the dorms. Hoping that somehow she would make it out alive.

Breaking news, strays kids maknae Y/N Y/N/L and group manager in have been left in critical condition after a fatal car crash. Was it a set up?

**

I’m not doing a part two🙈

[rleep80-blog]

I work at a Grocery Store. I have for about 15 years. Recently (within the last year) I was promoted. I went from a sheltered bubble of Store security, to a harsh reality. The reality is that I would rather deal with criminals who I already know have mental health issues, then the general public who hide there flaws for the sake of “presentation”.

Here is why….

I would expect no common decency from someone who has reached a point in their life that they steal or shit on the floor or stab someone in the head, to lack morals and values and common decency. So it was quite the culture shock, to realize that all of the “normal” people, are even bigger assholes. Case and point…

I am helping my produce department fill salads. I have a u-boat out. FULL of boxes. It is directly across from the two refrigerated doors I am filing. I have about three to four feet in-front of me. U-boat to salad wall. That’s what I am doing. Filling product. It doesn’t sound like it’s hard work. But the up and down and back and forth and bending and reaching and cutting my arms on the pushers , after time, it gets physical. Like…. I am sweating.

And it’s a Sunday. What’s wrong with Sunday? Well, EVERYONE for some reasons wants to grocery shop on god damn Sunday.

Anyway, I am there, in this little cubby corner of this huge ass store, and low and behold… here comes the first person. With a big ass cart. Rolls it right infront of my little space and wants me to stop what I am doing, get up, and move. So they can walk through my little space and interrupt me working. AS IF THERE WAS NO WHERE ELSE TO WALK. AS IF THERE WERE NOT 5 OPTIONS OF PATHS TO TAKE.

I smile and they say “excuse me” and shrug their shoulders and apologize. I let the first few instances of that blatant inconsideration roll off my shoulders.

And after any the 30th time, different people, I am to the brink of snapping on someone. Because not only do people do this all day to people working in a grocery store, but I am literally stocking 8 glass doors FULL OF GODAMN SALAD. You need the one salad I am filling. Or YOU need to get on the other side of me so bad and cannot walk around? It’s bad enough I have to sit here and wonder why we need 5,000 different types of fucking salad for your picky spoiled asses.

They will not stop. They will never stop. YOU will never stop. It’s entitlement and laziness and a sheer lack of respect or courtesy.

The general public does this all fucking day. Turning a two hour job into a three hour job. Making my body even more sore so you don’t have to walk a few more feet. The sheer ignorance blows my mind.

So yes, I would rather deal with a crackhead. At least I have no hope with a crackhead. I suppose I could be naive to think people are aware enough of their own surroundings that they take others into consideration? Wow… what a dream world that would be. 🖕🏽

# from my head

[radkindoffeminist]

I am 13 years old. I have boobs bigger than any other girl in my year and I stopped growing in height a year ago. People tell me I could pass for 16-18 easily. Girls ask what size I am. Boys mock me for having tits. Men hit on me. Most people think I am a lot older than I actually am. I am confused by everything.

I am 14 years old. I begin turning to online chatrooms and camsex for attention because I am so lonely and horny. I don't speak about them to anyone in my life because it's never spoken about. Women and girls don't have sexual desires. I start speaking to a guy, Glenn. He's 28-years-old and knows how old I am. I speak to him for years and he's the first guy I camsex with. He speaks to me like a person and not a child and I love him for that. One day, he doesn't respond and I never hear from him again, but spend weeks hoping that I will see another message from him (he had a habit of disappearing for weeks only to come back). He doesn't message again. My heart is broken.

I am 15 years old, just about. I continue using these online chatrooms because I am such a lonely teenager and need some sort of attention and this is the only place I can find it. I meet a guy, David, who I ask to be my boyfriend. He was 21 years old. We speak every day for a month and have camsex all the time. He is sweet and mature and has his own car! Our plans to meet fall through and then he suddenly stops talking to me one day. Two months after that day, he messaged me again. His grandmother died so he couldn't deal with life. I feel empathic towards him but feel forced to take him back. When I realise that he won't take responsibility for the fact that cutting me off for months hurt me because he says that he was hurt, I break up with him. He insists on staying friends. I agree because I still feel bad for him.

I am 16 years old. I start college and I'm still speaking to my ex David, but then I see how possessive he is of me. He wants to meet up with me but will only do so on his terms, when he can kiss me all he wants because he still sees me as his. I try and speak to him about the guys at my college and he gets jealous. I stop speaking to him. I begin to realise just how toxic him and these chatrooms and camsex all is. I make a vow to stop it for my mental health, but it is hard to stop something when what draws you there is the fact that you're incredibly lonely.

I am 17 years old. It has been three years since I first opened a chatroom and had camsex and I actively try to stop. I have spoken to dozens, if not hundreds, of men by this point and they are all the same: they want to use me and will put on a little play to ensure they can get me. Some are just nice and upfront with me, using me and then never speaking to me again. Some put on a show, pretending that they like/love me so I become wrapped around their finger. Some are kind and caring, but then threaten me when they realise that they won't get what they want. Too many of them are angry when they hear the word no and if they aren't straight up agressive towards me, then they're making me feel guilty for having boundaries or trying to convince me to break them because they're different from the rest. I've met dozens of men who've claimed that they're different from the rest but they never are. They're all the same. After so many times of promising myself to stop, what really gets me to stop was someone threatening to share naked photos of me he'd taken while we were on a video call on my Facebook. I block him. I realise just how manipulated I'd been over the years and come to accept the fact that most, if not all, of these men had taken photos without my permission and some probably still have them saved somewhere.

I am 18 years old. I have managed to mostly stay away from the chatrooms and camsex, but I ended up speaking to one more guy. He seems so lovely and kind and caring. He is 26-years-old. We live far apart but he promises that he'll come and visit me sometime, even though he dodges the question every time I ask and never seems to be around or available when I'm available. We talked on and off for months. One day I tell him that I've decided to completely give up on camsex. It is too toxic and traumatic for me. I never want to do it again. He stops talking to me. I slowly realised how he was just nice to me because he wanted camsex and nudes. He never loved me but I loved him.

I am 19 years old. I start dating my ex-boyfriend. He is a genuinely wonderful and kind person. He does not disrespect my boundaries regarding camsex and nudes. He used to do a similar thing and understands how toxic and horrible these spaces can be. He's a good person, other than the fact that he mocks my interest in feminism and occasionally breaks some boundaries. We stay together for a year before we end up drifting apart.

I am 20 years old. I have severe depression. For the first time in my life, while I am incredibly drunk, I talk about my ex David and all the camsex stuff. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders knowing that other people agree that I was groomed. I had convinced myself for years that I was not groomed because I asked him out so everything that happened to me was my own fault. But I realise that while I was a stupid teenager, it still wasn't right for men to take advantage of me. I learn to accept that camsex and nudes will always be a point of trauma for me and something that I can never do again. I am so proud of myself for not doing it for two years.

I am 21 years old. I am the same age my ex David was when I dated him. I look at the freshers at my university and I couldn't imagine dating someone who is just out of college (high school). I had realised some years earlier that my relationship was toxic and pedophilic but it took me getting to the same age he was to realise just how horrible it was. I wish I could warn so many other women but I know I have to live with it because I was that teenage girl who dated that older man so I know that every single one thinks that they're the exception to the rule. They think that there's no way they're getting groomed by and older man because they really are that mature. I wish I could tell them but they'll just run into their groomer's arms even more.

I am 22 years old. I am off anti-depressants and glad that my sex drive is back. I decide that now, post COVID, would be the perfect time to have some fun. I sleep around, but the sex is so unsatifying for me most of the time. The women are good but the men spent five minutes inside of me and are then done. Half of them don't do anything to make me cum and never ask if I have. One of them complains that I take ages to cum after spending two minutes rubbing me off (badly). After feeling guilty for cancelling something last minute, I end up hooking up with someone who I shouldn't have. I cannot remember the last time I felt so repulsed by someone's touch. I stop hooking up with people. For the first time in years, I broke my no nudes, no camsex rule. I feel awful about myself.

I am 23 years old. I realise that my hooking-up with people phase was just a copy of my camsex stage. I realise that the men I hooked up with used the exact same tactics as the men I had camsex with: seemed like nice people so they could use me; got angry at me when I said no to them because they felt entitled to whatever they wanted for being nice to me; and thought that they could drop me for weeks at a time because I will always come running back to them. Sometimes I feel so assured in myself because I have spent years learning about all the maipulation tactics that they all use and because I can say no to them when they try to guilt me; sometimes I feel like that same 14 year old girl who ignored every red flag that she ever saw because she was so deperate for love and attention from anyone.

I am 24 years old. I am 2 years younger than my ex Sam was when I dated him and 4 years younger than Glenn was when I started talking to him. I look at the 18-20 year olds in our office and they are basically children to me. If I feel this way now, how much creepier will it feel when I actually hit 26 or 28? I tell people I have no interest in men and for the first time in my life I truly mean it. I stopped dating them years ago but all interest in them is gone now. Sometimes people tell me that I just haven't met the right man yet. I shrug it off but I want to scream at them. I have met dozens of men who have told me that they're different to the rest but they are all the same in the end. The right man doesn't exist.

[robinhobiii]

Only You

Mafia! Jeonghan

Every one wants him. But he only wants one person.

He sighed for the millionth time today. He just wanted to leave. Too many people were trying to talk to him and it’s draining him. His eyes were slightly droopy but unbeknownst to him, it made him look more sultry like. Making more and more people attracted to him. His mysterious and slightly cold aura captures anyone coming his way.

“Jeonghan! There you are!” Another one of the socialites said as she waltz over to him. His face remained indifferent as she pushed up against him slightly.

“Let’s go somewhere else.” She whispered seductively.

God, he was really going to kill Seungcheol.

“Can’t, have work tomorrow.” He said courtly, trying to move away.

“Come on, hannie. It’ll only be for a little bit.” She pouted. He cringed at the name that disgraced her lips.

He pushed her slightly for her to land back on the other chairs and made his way out.

There’s only one woman that could call him hannie.

Y/n.

As he drove home, he remembers the memories with her. How brilliant her smile was and how shy she used to get at his flirty remarks. Her soft hands that would caress his face after a long day and how she would nurse him back to health after working for hours on end.

Oh, how much he misses her and how he longs for her warmth again.

Everything went well until she found out his real occupation. She gave him an ultimatum of leaving the mafia family or her. He obviously couldn’t choose. These were the things that made him happy. How could he only pick one? But in the end, she left. There was radio silence from her end.

Nothing.

She even moved work places and her apartment. If Jeonghan wasn’t in the mafia with a lot of connections, he would’ve never found her.

Her face remains engraved in his head. He wants to be in her arms again and hear her sweet nothings after a long day. It’s been harder these days to forget everything. It’s like the universe was taunting him with everything that reminds him of their time together.

. . .

To be fair, he didn’t want to be in the mafia family. He just wanted to make sure him and his sister didn’t die. His parents borrowed money from a different mafia family and they couldn’t pay it back. So his family was always on the run and wanted to essentially survive.

One day when Jeonghan was picking up his sister from school, his parents were brutally murdered. In that short 15 minutes of him picking up his sister, they died and couldn’t even plea to spare them. He received a phone call from the neighbor saying they heard loud screaming from his house. Sensing it could be bad, he drop his sister at her friends house for the time being. He made his was home and saw the devastating sight. On the wall, written his parent’s blood, states that they need to get the remaining 50 million won by next Friday. He shuddered as he sat down on the couch. Although he was sad to see his parents like this, he couldn’t even shed a tear. At the ripe age of 18, he was now the sole guardian of his sister.

He needed to get out and get out fast. Where was he going to find that much money in a short amount of time? So, he knew what he had to do. And so he walked to the house at the very end of the street and knocked in strategic way to alert them. The door swung open and revealed a tall man with glasses.

“Wonwoo…”

“I’ve heard the gunshots.”

Jeonghan said nothing. “I’ll join.”

“What?” Wonwoo said, taken aback. “B-but, I thought you-“

“I have no choice. Me and my sister can’t keep running. We need him to protect us. He can avenge me and sister.”

He was the big boss, Choi Seunghyun, aka, T.O.P. He was running the harshest and ever growing mafia family, Big Bang. The name Big Bang comes from the people that go out with a bang when nothing is paid back to them.

“Hyung, think it through. You’ll never be able to leave. I’ve been there for two years already and I made the biggest mistake.”

“I have to. For me and my sister.”

And so, Yoon Jeonghan was secretly sworn into the family and to build trust and a bond, TOP ordered his men to kill that mafia family that harassed Jeonghan and his family. Even he says it’s to build trust, it’s just something to emotionally blackmail Jeonghan to not leave.

By the time he was 20, a riot within the family was started. An internal war was far worse that the ones with someone else. “The family is not going to last any longer. We’re all going to die.” Joshua said.

“We need to leave and leave now. So many people already left.” Jihoon said.

“No.” Seungcheol said.

Everyone looked at him.

“We’ll start our own clan and be better than them. Most of us have no one waiting for us at home. For some of us, this is the only family we have.”

“But hyung-“

“There’s no buts. Trust me. I’ve been by Seunghyun’s side for the last 5 years, I know what to do. Just trust me.

And they did trust him. They became Seventeen, one of the most wanted group across world. With each members unique ability, the group prospered and because much bigger than imagined.

. . .

Because of the his charming looking and his ability to finesse anything in a conversation, Seungcheol made him one of their main undercover says to find informations.

That is how he met the beautiful woman that is Y/n. She worked as a journalist and would often spend her time at the cafe, across the street from her work place.

By fate, they met. They were there at the same place and at the same time. She caught his eye the moment his eyes landed on her. How focused she was on the paper she was writing and how she didn’t even look up. Everyone was flocking to get a glimpse of him, while her eyes remained on her laptop.

He smirked. How interesting.

He sat right in front of her and said, “Is this seat taken?”

Again she didn’t look up and mumbled out a no.

As he sipped his coffee, he looked at her. Everything about her was perfect to him. Is this what love at first sight was?

“You know staring is rude, right?” She finally said.

He was surprised for a second before that infamous smirk made its way to his face.

“I can’t help that a beautiful lady is sitting right in front of me.”

She blushed slightly.

“You’re weird.” She laughed.

God, he could hear that for the rest of his. Her laugh rang in his ears in the most beautiful way possible.

“Oh yeah? How so?”

“I need to leave.” She said with a smile as she picked up her stuff.

“You won’t tell me how I’m weird?”

“Maybe next time.”

Jeonghan smile widen as he hear that.

Next time. He couldn’t wait for it.

. . .

Soon enough, they were chatting at the cafe almost everyday. Jealous eyes scanned them as they were lost in their own world. She actually talked to him! He was starstruck by her and day by day he was falling deeper. Her small little habits never left out in Jeonghan’s mind.

After three months of talking, he knew he needed to make this official. She needed to be his. He took her to country side and showed her around the beautiful mountain village. She didn’t know this, but this was where Jeonghan grew up. But she loved every second of it. He finally took her to one of the nicer restaurant and asked her.

“Y/n. . I know that we’ve known each other for a short three months, but I feel like, I’ve known you my whole life. I just can’t imagine my life without you in my future. So, will you be my girlfriend?”

She smiled and leaped into his arms. “Of course! Don’t even have to ask.”

Soon enough, three years passed and Jeonghan was the happiest he has ever been. He never told her in those three years that he was in the mafia. He wanted to maintain her sweet innocence and not scare her away.

But that came to an end, when she was cleaning their shared home. She went to throw away the trash when she saw some files with Jeonghan’s name one them. So, she went to his office to put them on his desk, but she was shocked to his a gun and knives on his desk. She doesn’t know how long she was there, but she there for a while for Jeonghan to find her there. He couldn’t even come up with an explantation as to why there was a gun on his desk. He could’ve made an excuse for the knives but he knew he has to come clean about it to her.

“Hannie, what’s this?”

“Baby, let’s talk about this tomorrow”

“No! We’re talking about this right now. What is this?!”

“Angel. . . come with me.”

He took her to the other side of the room and sat her down on the couch. He sighed. “I’m . . . In the mafia. . and I know you’re confused but believe me when I say that I was going to tell you eventually when the time was right.” He was lying. He would’ve never ever told her. “I. . .wha-what?” She said.

He couldn’t read her face and was getting anxious. “Talk to me baby.”

“I. . . I’m heading to bed.”

She slept in the guest bed that night. Jeonghan couldn’t sleep as the bed felt too cold without her. Little did he know that this would be the last time she was ever be in the same house as him. The next morning rolled around and she was silent. But he had work to attend to. “I’m leaving, baby.” He leaned down to kiss her but she moved her head. He moved back in shock.

Later that night, when he came home, he noticed that she was thinking. He was nervous for what she’ll eventually say.

“Jeonghan.”

That sent shivered down his spine. In those three years, she only called him Jeonghan a handful amount of time. And each time he disliked it. “Yes.”

“I’m going to give you a choice. And you need to pick one.” She sighed. “Either you leave the mafia or . . leave me.”

There was silence after she said that.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Angel, you have to understand I can’t just pick o-“

“You have to! I can’t live with a man that kills for a living.”

“Listen to me-“

“JEONGHAN! JUST PICK ONE!”

It was silent again. Never does she ever raise her voice at anyone but she couldn’t help herself.

“Baby. . .” He started.

Suddenly his phone rang. He looked at her apologetically before he answered. It was Seungcheol.

“I need you to come to the office now!”

“Why? What’s wrong?!”

“Just come, it’s too long to explain but unit three is injured. We can’t get a hold of Soonyoung. That last response we got was from Chan at 10:56 pm. Come now.”

He rushed up but paused and look at her again.

“We’ll finish this when I get back.”

The door shut close and she got her answer. She scoffed slightly, “when I get back.”

She packed her things and called friends for help. They came and loaded somethings in their car and she packed some in her car well. She turned off her phone and made her way to her friends house.

By the time he came home, it was 6:42 am. She was no where to be seen. He called her phone and it went straight to voicemail. He was hysterical as he slipped to his knees. Yesterday night would mark the last day he sees her.

. . .

That was almost six months ago. It haunts him everyday. Oh how he regrets going out, but the other part would regret breaking the brotherhood that they created. Day by day, he yearns for her. His other members noticed him and tried to comfort him but he didn’t want comfort, he wanted . . no he needed her. Everyday passed by in a blur and he wanted that clarity again. When he met her, it felt as the all the problems in his world disappeared. He didn’t know how he lived without her before.

“Meeting in 5.” Jihoon reminded everyone in the common room. Slowly Jeonghan made his way to the conference room.

“The next month will be very busy, so pay attention, especially you Jeonghan.” Seungcheol started. Jeonghan just started tune everything out. He wanted to only live in his memories. Wanting to live in his make believe so that the harsh reality won’t make him cry more. Joshua got a glimpse of him slipping, so he elbowed him and that got Jeonghan out his daydream. He silently sighed.

“And Jeonghan will be there ahead of time to listen to everything.”

“Ugh, again.” He whined out, annoyed.

“Everyone sessionally wants a piece of you, so you’ll be going in.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes at that. Not everyone wanted him.

. . .

His hooded eyes scanned the room to look make sure the target left so he could finally leave. Once he was sure, he made his way out. He stopped at a bar on his way home. Everyone’s eyes were on him. One drink turned into two drinks turned into three. Before he knew it, he was extremely drunk. He then heard a familiar laugh. He whipped his head to look for that comforting sound.

There she sat with all her beauty. Her beautiful lips up in a smile as she drank with her co-workers.

God, he wanted to leave before he did something stupid. As he made his way out, Y/n let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It hurt so bad seeing him get so drunk and she didn’t even help him. Although she tried to forget him, and hate him, she couldn’t. She did too much with him to forget that man. His love still linger through her.

She missed him so much. She wanted to run back into his arms, but she knew that if she did, she would invite the bad into her life. His karma will come to collect his debt and she doesn’t want to be in the middle of it.

“Go” Her supervisor said.

Y/n looked up at her and shook her head. “I can’t.” She said as a few tears escaped. “You clearly still love him and want him. You should try to work it out.” They knew she broke up him but not for him being in the mafia. No. She told them that it just didn’t work out anymore. They were obviously shocked and didn’t believe her but didn’t pry as she was in a bad state. “I think I’m going to head home.” Y/n said as she paid for her share.

. . .

He woke up with a pounding headache and almost had no memory from last night. He did remember seeing her. He could never forget her. Jeonghan was having regrets. Maybe he should’ve talk to her? No. That could’ve gotten ugly.

He went on with day as normal but he was thinking about her more than usual. He wanted to talk to her again. He knew that it’ll never happen and it’s only a distant memory. He made it to work and Seungcheol made his way to his office. “Jeonghan, tonight is the night, be ready.” He said.

That night came faster than expected. And all 13 boys made their way to the club. There was a set plan and by tonight there should be one less person on this earth. He made his way to bar and ordered a whiskey. And made his way to one of the sofas. Many girls tried their ways with him with no success. He was only there as an extra pair of eyes, so seducing these women for information was not needed. As some girl was kissing his jaw, he saw her. She was wearing a black dress that was beautifully complementing her body. Her shy eyes scanned through crowds of people, looking for someone. The more he looked at her, the more he wanted to next to her.

He pushed the girl softly and made his way to Y/n. She was facing away from him and he was a few feet from her. His hands naturally found their way to her waist. She was slightly startled and tried to push the hands away before he said, “It’s me, angel.” She was frozen and said nothing. He took this as a sign to continue. One of his hand came up and brushed her hair out of the way to get access to her neck. He placed gentle kisses along there and she let him. Soon her hands were placed on top of his.

“Let’s go somewhere else.” He whispered in her ears as he placed some kisses there as well. And they left the club and Jeonghan was driving them to his apartment. The car ride was silent but he didn’t mind. Just being in her presence was enough for him.

. . .

He opened the door for her and let her in. He then got a glass of water for her and him to drink. Once they were done, they only looked at each other. They both longed for this moment again. “Maybe this was a mistake. I should leave. ” She softly said.

“N-no! S-stay.”

He sighed and said, “Angel, I owe you an explanation. That night I left, I had an emergency. The boys were in trouble and I needed to ensure their safety. I know in that moment you must’ve felt unimportant. I should’ve sat you down and talked throughly that morning. I should’ve set it straight when I saw you that morning. And to answer your question. . . I can’t leave them. It’s a bond we built on hardship and trust. We are each other’s family. We can’t ever be apart. But I also didn’t want to leave you. When I came back, you were gone. I wanted to come to a compromise because you are the light in my life. I only want you to look at me. I just want you.”

She looked at him and didn’t know what to think. “I don’t want to live my life in fear that I’ll be killed. I want to live normally.” She said.

“You can. No one in the mafia world knows I’m even affiliated with seventeen. We can work it out.” He said as he held her hands.

“I . . I want it to work too but I’m too scared.”

“We can take it slow and figure everything out, like old time.”

She smiled at that. “Yeah, like old times.”

“Let’s head to bed and plan out everything tomorrow, hmm? How does that sound?” He said as he brushed her hair behind her ear.

“Sound perfect.”

. . .

He gave her some of his clothes for pajamas and boy did he miss that sight. She softly smiled at him and made her way to bed. When she was comfortable, Jeonghan joined after turning off all the lights. He hugged her and placed a kiss on her head.

“We’ll be okay.” He whispered.

[callsign-joyride]

For some reason the link to request won’t work on my phone :( . Can I please request a Fall Fluff for Jake for prompt 15 where the reader is the one who is sick ?

Chicken Noodle Soup | Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Summary: Jake worries that you're having second thoughts about the relationship, only to find that the reason you haven't been responding is because you've been sick all day.

Content warnings: Fanboy being a menace, mentions of an illness/virus (NOT COVID-19), fluff

Prompt: 15. Sender lies next to the receiver (who is recovering from injuries or illness) and spoons them while staying awake to make sure their health doesn’t deteriorate overnight.

This was written for my Fluffy Fall Fantasy event. Feel free to send in requests!

Jake was stressed. You hadn’t been dating for very long, and you weren’t technically official, but it was Hard Deck night and you hadn’t responded to his text messages since last night. He was tempted to call you to check in and see if everything was okay, but he didn’t want to seem clingy and obsessive while it was totally possible that you forgot to plug your phone in the night before, or that you left it at home while you were getting ready for work.

“Honestly, man, I was thinking she’d ghost you a lot sooner than this,” Fanboy said as they were getting their things to leave. Jake didn’t even have the energy to react.

“You’re good at relationships, Rooster. Would it be weird if I drove by her house on my way home?”

“I don’t know, man. None of us have ever met her but maybe she’d be okay with it based on what you’ve said about her in passing.”

“Or maybe she doesn’t exist and he wanted to hide the fact that he’s not getting laid.”

“Dude, too far,” Payback said to Fanboy. Jake just shrugged it off and grabbed his bag before heading out to his truck and finding your address in his phone. You lived pretty close to base so it wasn’t a very bad drive at all. Right as he turned down your street, his phone started ringing and your name was on the screen.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you but I think I’ve got the flu or a common cold or something.”

“Do you want me to bring you medicine? I’m like five minutes from a CVS.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s Hard Deck night. You should be out with your friends. I can go another time. I think I’ll make some soup and go back to sleep.”

“Hard Deck night is a weekly thing and Coyote’s deployed so I kind of don’t want to go anyways. I’d have more fun staying in with you. Plus I’ve got a family recipe of chicken noodle soup and it’ll probably be the best chicken noodle soup you’ll ever have.”

After a moment, you sniffled and said that he could come over and that you’d leave your door unlocked. He walked into your house about an hour after he got off the phone with you with reusable bags on his arms. You were laying on the couch under a blanket while an 80’s movie played on the TV. 

“I brought medicine,” he said as he unloaded everything in the kitchen. You peered over the couch and smiled before taking a sip of your Gatorade that was on the coffee table. He came over to sit next to you after getting everything put away. It was almost unbelievable how sick you were, considering that you felt completely fine the day before. Your fever broke earlier in the day but you had been sleeping for most of it, living off of Gatorade and nearly stale crackers that you found in the back of your pantry. You changed the channel to something that you knew he’d like before nuzzling into the pillow that you brought from your bedroom.

“Poor thing. I’m gonna get your soup started. It should take about half an hour, okay? Let me know if you need anything.”

You nodded your head and scrolled through social media before going back to sleep for a little bit. The smell of the soup was what woke you up a little bit later, as Jake walked over and placed your bowl on the table in front of you. He made enough to last you a whole week, and he even offered to send you the recipe if you liked it. He was right, it was the best chicken noodle soup you’d ever had. Ten o’clock rolled around and even though it was considered early for you, you grabbed your pillow and blanket and started heading up the stairs. You were surprised when Jake followed you, considering that you had spent the few hours since you ate barely talking to each other. 

“I need to shower,” you said as you got your pajamas out.

“Okay. I’ll wait here.”

He had sent a few texts to the Dagger Squad group chat while you were in the shower, saying that he’d see everyone in the morning but that he had to take care of you. You took a big sip of water before crawling under the covers, Jake following suit.

“What are you doing?” You asked as he wrapped an arm around your middle.

“Staying with you, if that’s okay.”

“What if I get you sick?”

“I’ll take time off. Mav loves me so it’ll be fine. I don’t want anything to happen to you through the night.”

“Oh. Okay. Then yeah, you can stay. But don’t come crying to me if you get the man flu.”

“Trust me, I won’t. My dad taught me and my brothers better than to be dramatic so that a woman will take care of us.”

“That’s good,” you said with a chuckle.

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[cosplayinamerica]

Susumu Kodai from Space Battleship Yamato Cosplayer: @the.yamato.boy Photo : @m_padron15

Funny enough at anime cons, not a lot of people recognize it as the Space Battleship Yamato, they usually just get hyped over seeing a massive ship at a con or war buffs notice the resemblance. Only a couple of people have recognized it. The ones that do though go nuts. The fanbase is fiercely loyal and even at Katsucon, the official Hotel Liason let me store the Yamato in his executive suite! Alas sadly barely anyone in my age group knows what Space Battleship Yamato is.

C2E2 was the first time I ever brought Yamato to a regular comic convention. The amount of people that recognized it there was actually comical. The cherry on top was that most people recognized it as the Argo or Intrepido.

What I'm most appreciative is that it's a way to bond the current generation of anime fans with the old and offers an opportunity to explore anime history.

Yamato started out as a binding point with my dad and I. He’s always been there for me but was a mystery at the same time. When I was like 2-3~ish my family still had an old Quasar TV with a built in VHS tape player. This was the kind of TV where you could feel your eyeballs melting out from the TV static. Anyway we had a singular VHS tape of Star Blazers- specifically the episodes where Argo uses the asteroid ring and then says goodbye to your families. As a certified Scooby-Doo fan, seeing #1 a cartoon with actual camera angles and cinema techniques was mind blowing to me and really stuck out, #2 there was a journey. The episodic countdown made me so mad because I knew I was only watching a piece of something bigger. My dad realized this and for my 5th birthday he bought me a full DVD set of all the episodes from Season 1. Afterward I drew little Yamato’s everywhere.

Eventually the spark that was Star Blazers would erupt into a burning flame that has become my love for Yamato. A couple of years ago my Grandpa was fighting with terminal lung cancer. We lived in America and he lived in South Korea so commute was tough and I didn’t get to see him all the time. During this time I was also getting bullied a lot and my mom thought it’d be good if I finished my elementary school years in Korea with my cousins so we moved there for a bit. I was a total fish out of water but a lot of my friends built Gunpla. I had no idea what a gundam was so I decided to research and went to Gundam Base Side 3 which is in Downtown Daegu. Remember the remake just came out at this time so there was a huge display dedicated to Yamato 2199. I really wanted a Yamato and had a meltdown in the store, like a full tantrum. I remember coming back to my apartment with my mom and just thinking non stop about it.

The week following, my grandpa took me instead and I’m guessing my mom told me how badly I wanted it because he got me not only a 1/1000 Yamato 2199 kit, but also the Garmilus 3 ship model pack. I was absolutely overjoyed and would not stop playing with that. The kit was later destroyed after a smaller big shelf collapse. He also died about a year afterward. It serves as a core memory and a reminder of him. As I shifted more into model building I dived more into gunpla until I was about 15. Highschool sucked. A lot.

The transition into being a freshman took a lot on my mental health. I got assaulted and the stress of everything caved in and I tried to take my own life. It’s a lot to Unpack and I’m not super comfortable talking about it, but it’s nessacary because of what happened.

Basically I got sent to outpatient which is like full time therapy sessions but school length. As cliche as it sounds, I brought a small Yamato with me. In order for it to fit comfortably in my pocket I froze super glue all over the fins and sharp bits so I would stab myself in the thigh on accident, iykyk. 

One of the things they told us in outpatient as a coping mechanism was that if we ever felt as bad as we did previously, think about the small things, and try on focus things that we would want to stay for. Well oh boy let me tell you, Yamato 2202 was coming out at this time and because of the format they were doing the movie part releases so 4 episodes every 4 months I think and I kept convincing myself that if I was gone, I would not see the end. 

The ending of 2202 not only brought around the end of that purpose but also wholly changed my outlook on my life. “The planets only stay in their places, only we have the power to give them beauty.” – Teresa of Telezart 

To say the ship had an impact on my life is an understatement. It was a reason to live at one point. On March 2nd/3rd when the announcement of Matsumoto’s passing came out I was absolutely devasted. I didn’t eat or sleep the following couple of days.

not a lot of people still know Yamato so in order to make conversation with other anime fans I picked up other shows but Yamato largely was my heart and soul. Matsumoto’s passing was what urged me to finally start. I wanted to build something that would not only bring me closer to Matsumoto but would hopefully give Yamato what it had given me- another life- sort of- maybe a little too dramatic, interpret that as you do idk. 

I want more people to watch Yamato and understand its message. We live in a day and age of constant bickering and isolation. We are all cogs in an economic machine. While we get blinded by work and debate, Yamato exists to teach people that it’s important to have dreams, to chase love and that maybe we can break out of our predicament – To truly know that you’re not alone is the meaning of Love, and that we must meet the challenge and the impossible will become possible – And finally, there is no one right-way to live – are all things that Yamato teaches.

[cupiddoe]

TW: MENTAL HEALTH AND SUICIDE ISSUES, PROCEED WITH CAUTION

If you told 15 year old me that not only would I be valedictorian of my class, senior president, and head of the school newspaper, I would have straight up slapped you for lying to me. In 2021 I was diagnosed with type one diabetes and hyper thyroids, and you might look at me and tell me "Okay what's wrong with that?" To me it was a VERY BIG DEAL. I just couldn't accept that fact, I mean I couldn't eat anything anymore, I was put on a keto diet because my glucose levels were sky high, I had to do injections every two hours to get my sugar levels down and not only that but I now had to avoid anything with dairy anything with fish anything that tasted good, I could only eat salad. You see it wasn't just that that set me off, by that time I hadn't seen my dad in like 2years, It wasn't that he left or my parents got into a nasty divorce or something, It was just because of work, my dad was a workaholic and I hadn't seen or even talked to him properly in 2years, my mom was on the verge of a mental breakdown because she had a kid that was disabled and another one that's in medical school and now she has a daughter with 2 medical diagnosis that she has to make an entirely new diet plan for. By that point I just gave up, I gave up on my religion, because why would this happen to me, I mean I always tried my best, I never was mean to anybody, I always volunteered I always helped I never said bad word of mouth, I was like no way God exists if this is happening to me. So i kind of found no purpose in life after that, I gave up on my grades on my friends that weren't really my friends because they didn't care and I just stopped living, I became a hermit for 4months. By that point my mom was freaking out, she was like this kid is going to kill herself, so she calls my dad and tells him to get his ass back to this country and just try to talk to me. I was always a daddy's girl in a sense, obviously I always listened to my mom but my dad was the only one that could TRULY knock some sense into me. So he comes and he sees the absolute mess I've become and he just slaps me, then looks at me deadpanned and is like " you want to ruin your life, sure. Do It. I genuinely couldn't care less, but if your going to do it, your not doing it in my home. If you want me to get you out of this and help you, I will. Just ask, but if you continue like this, then get the hell out, you have a brother that's mentally disabled but so wants to live the life your living right now and your giving it away for what?? Because you have to change a fragment of your life?? So what?? Life goes on, these are the obstacles allah puts us through to prevail" and then leaves, literally leaves. And I'm standing like, genuinely surprised because the AUDACITY of this man. Then it hits me, he's very much right, I mean I could continue like this, but what good is that genuinely going to to get me, except dying which not going to lie, felt like a pretty good alternative back then. So I decided to give life one more try, by that point I probably missed like a whole trimester of schooling so if I wanted to get back up I needed to do it pronto. So i gather everything and start working my goddamn ass off because, I kind of started to wake up from this hibernation I was living in, and I kind of figured out that, it's not that big a deal, my brother was literally disabled and the man is probably smarter then all of us combined, he never gave up, he was always with a smile on his face, didn't matter if he was in pain or sad because he believed in allah and I think even if he wasn't religious, he would have believed that he could make it. So I took him as my idol and slowly, very, very slowly, started getting better, because I think I knew deep down that, I deserved this and on a religious aspect, allah gave this to me to prepare me, because when I DID get over it, when I wore my hijab, everything turned for the better, allah rewarded me with the most amazing gift, family and education and most importantly self love and confidence

I still have a very long way to go but it's a start right?

I just wanted to go on this rant to prove no matter how long your mental slump is, it doesn't really matter because in the end its what you do to concur it, to get over it. And when you do it's going to be because of YOU, because YOU wanted to be better and improve, not because of anyone else💕

[talkintrashcann]

Breathe with me - Xavier Thorpe

Summary: While studying for your upcoming exams, your boyfriend helps you get through a panic attack.

Warnings: anxiety, panic attacks, hyperventilating, slightly choking, hair pulling, pinching, crying, change in appetite, lmk if i missed any

Word count: 1.5k

A/N will be at the end of the story because i feel like i talk too much in here, but it's important to read though!

Disclaimer: this is based on my personal experience with anxiety and panic attacks, this does not mean everyone experiences this the same way.

———————

You knew your mental health was getting bad again, the stress of your upcoming exams eating you from the inside out. It has started to affect you both mentally and physically. Your hands constantly shaking, legs won't stop moving, you haven't been able to have a good night sleep in days and even your appetite has suffered due to the immense pressure you're under at that moment. There was no cure for this really, the only thing you could do is find ways to keep your stress under control to prevent yourself from having panic attacks on the daily. This was easier said than done. You knew plenty of tips and tricks to prevent those horrifying moments, but in reality those don't always work. Most of the time you are too busy panicking to even think about getting your breathing under control. So you end up sitting there, hyperventilating and crying like crazy, just waiting for it to pass since there was not much you could do.

Nervously turning around to see Xavier busy at his desk, trying to study for the exams you have. He looks really focused on his books and don't want to disturb him now that he's finally concentrated. Looking back at your own desk, you swallow the big lump that has been stuck in your throat for about a minute now, biting your lip out of stress. You could feel the panic attack coming, trying your hardest to keep it from happening. Your eyes were stinging from the tears in the corners of your eyes, threatening to fall any second now. Your breathing was becoming unstable and your heart was beating way faster than it should be. You were so scared you'd make a sound and catch Xavier's attention, really not wanting him to know what's happening now.

You've always been ashamed of having panic attacks so often, especially if you're having one in public. Everyone keeps telling you it's nothing to be ashamed of, but that doesn't help with feeling that way. Even having them around people you're closest with is hard, not wanting them see you this way. You were scared of what they might think of you after that, scared to be judged. What if they think you're being weak? Or think you're just exaggerating? So you tried to hide it for as long as you could, but most of them found out at one point.

Your boyfriend witnessing a panic attack for the first time was hell for you. It happened in your dorm when you were suddenly stressing over a presentation you had to give in class the next day, you were overthinking too much and it didn't take long until you sat there chocking on your tears as you started hyperventilating. Walking around the room while tears rolled down your rosy cheeks, hands pulling at your hair before sinking through your legs and falling to your knees. Xavier didn't know what was happening and wanted to help you, but he honestly had no idea what to do. He tried to talk to you, telling you to calm down and reminding you that everything was going to be alright. As sweet as that may sound, but telling someone who's having a panic attack to calm down doesn't help at all. None of the words even made any sense to you, you were so overwhelmed that you couldn't understand what he was saying. You were screaming on the floor, tears still streaming down your face and your hands pinching at your arms. It scared Xavier to see you like this, it pained him that he couldn't help you. All he could do was embrace you and hold your hands in his, waiting for the heavy moment to pass. After about 15 minutes of screaming and crying non-stop, the room finally turned silent. You were still in his arms while he was rocking you bsck and forth, his head leaning on yours, and you sat there looking emotionless and numb.

Later that day, you explained to him what happened and why it happens so often. He was very understanding and was ready to help you in every way he could, not wanting you to go through that alone ever again. So you told him all the tricks you knew about preventing panic attacks and he wrote them all down in the notes on his phone, keeping them on him at all times. It did give you some comfort knowing how much he cared about you. But that didn't stop you from hiding symptoms whenever you felt them coming, not wanting to be a burden to him all the time. However, the boy has caught on quickly. Being able to spot symptoms without you having to tell him, and he's become pretty good at helping you through those tough moments too.

"Are you alright, love?"

You turned back around to look at him, seeing him already looking at you. He had a feeling something was going on and when you made eye contact with him, those feeling were proven right. He could see your red eyes and face, fighting back to urge to cry right then and there. Slowly getting up from his chair, he calmly walked over to you and pulled you into a soft hug. You finally allowed the tears to fall as you couldn't hold them any longer, staining his red shirt in mere seconds. His hands were tracing figures onto your back to try and calm you down, but you're afraid it was already too late for that. You started chocking on your breath, it felt as if your airway was closed shut and no air could make it to your lungs.

"Can't-... Breathe-...", you managed to say while grabbing at your throat as you hyperventilated in his arms.

Without saying a word, he brought you towards the bathroom and turned on the sink. You knew what he was doing since you were the one telling him about the cold water trick. While you held your wrists under the running water, your boyfriend started rubbing your back and asked you random questions to distract you from your worried thoughts.

"Can you name four objects in this room that are the color red?"

Your eyes darted around the room to look for any red objects, landing on a shampoo bottle first. Speaking was too hard so you tried pointing to it instead, Xavier following your shaking finger to see what you were trying to say. He was so proud of you for trying but it was clear this wasn't going to help you that much as you were still hyperventilating, he decided to try something else out. He was worried about not getting you to calm down since nothing seemed to help, but he knew that if he had to stay calm himself in order to help you. So he tried all the tricks he knew on the top of his head until one finally worked. What was most important to him was controlling your breathing, knowing that without this being controlled you could sit here for an hour.

"Hey, hey, look at me please. Everything is going to be alright, I'm here with you.  Breathe with me okay."

You looked at his calming eyes as you tried taking a deep breathe. Inhale for 4 seconds, holding it for 7 seconds and then exhale for 8 seconds. That was the trick your therapist taught you, but it wasn't an easy trick to do. It was always quite difficult to do this while you're still hyperventilating, but the longer you did this, the easier it got to follow along with his breathing. Your breath slowed down, hands still under the cold water in the sink. The tears stopped coming, everything finally calming down. But what comes next is not a fun fase either. After just experiencing a panic attack, you start to feel empty inside. It was like for a moment, there was nothing left of you. Xavier would be stuck with a soulless doll in the room for the next few hours, but he didn't mind it. As long as you were okay now. Were you really though? No, not really. But at least you weren't still stuck in your endless spiral of anxiety.

"It's time for you to take a long and well-deserved break, studying like this has no use anyway. Your mental health is way more important than your exams, so let's call it a day."

He turned off the sink and carried you to his bed, spending the next couple hours cuddling until you eventually fell asleep in his arms from exhaustion. You are so lucky to have someone like him by your side. What would you do without him?

———————

A/N: did i write this after having a mental breakdown and panic attack because of my own upcoming exams? you bet.

(my first exam is actually in like 10 hours from now so yeah im still really scared but i can do this!)

a few months ago i wrote a poem about what it feels like to have panic attacks and i found it in my notes last week so that's what inspired me to write this, it really helps me cope with my own mental issues and that's why i mostly wrote this for myself. Because of that, this is an extremely personal topic but i wanted to share this with others since i know im not the only one going through this and i find it so important to spread more awareness about it. like i mentioned in the story, there really shouldn't be any reason for people to be ashamed about having panic attacks, so many people experience them throughout their life and its completely understandable to have them.

if anyone needs someone to talk to, for whatever reason, my dms are always open for everyone. love you all <3

[slayter-kinney]

i've been trying to formulate how i feel about wad and this era of phandom since i finally got the chance to watch wad all the way through with my girlfriend last night and after sobbing violently following the smash mouth credits i think i have some semblance of a train of thought. long ramble incoming after the read more hehe

for context, i've been watching dnp for about 10 years, which for some of you is an extremely long time and for others is piddly. regardless, a decade of my life has been spent in varying amounts watching dan and phil and interacting with the phandom. and part of what i was trying to express to my gf after watching the show was that it really is a sense of pride to see the sad clown poster child for being, well, sad, to open up about his mental health struggles, to coming out, to making we're all doomed. i think this is a very similar reaction to the pride a lot of us feel for dan.

for me too, though, it's been the phandom (hi guys lol). I was really active in the phandom from like 2014ish-2017 (at which point i still watched videos as they were posted but i also just wasn't on tumblr as much and i had ~college~ to focus on), but that time was very formative teenage years for me during which i was going through similar mental health struggles, struggling with sexuality, regular ol' teenage demons, etc. and this sort of phandom revival has been making me feel this ridiculous nostalgia for those teenage years (even tho i was fighting for my life the whole time lol). i can sooo distinctly remember where i was when certain videos were uploaded, the feeling of being curled up in my bed at midnight in the summer with my iphone 5c catching up on the previous years' videos, making subpar edits on my phannie instagram while i was on a plane for my family's summer vacation.

having both the boys and the phandom (more) active again gives me that nostalgic feeling but with the feeling that everything feels So Much Better Now. i get the same excitement and rush watching new videos, sharing around edits and gifs, being insane with you all, but with the knowledge that i am older and i am better now. in a lot of personal ways i'm literally living the life i so desperately wanted when i was a teen and now i get to live it but with the same things that brought me joy when i was a sad 15 year old. despite the nostalgia, i dont think i would choose to go back to that time, but getting to look back on it now, and watch videos where dan and phil are unapologetically gay and happy and soulmate-y, see dan living his theatre kid dreams and is so so proud of his work, and to have this community of you all where we're all old(er) and queer and so proud of our dads (sorry). it's indescribable despite my best efforts to describe it. and yes i know i don't actually talk to a lot of you that's cause im awkward and bad at replying but if you've made it this far this is your open invite to start a convo with me in dms/ask box. anyways. i love you all. i love our boys. im grateful to be here with all of you.

[pickles-24]

All Eyes on You (Felix)

1- Orientation

Author's note: This is my first fic In a while please be patient. ( Daisy Lyn is the Musian name - this is not real-)

PAIRING: College Felix!! x Musician fem reader!!

GENRES: social media au, smut, fluff, angst, mystery, drama, enemies to lovers, college au, celebrity au, non-idol au.

WARNINGS: cursing, slow-burn, alcohol/drug consumption, addiction, sexual jokes/ sexual content, toxic relationships, mental health disorders, trauma, mentions of abuse, offense jokes (NOT RACIST NOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT), Felix and MC have a small age gap (He's older by 2 1/2 years) THIS IS NOT IN ANY WAY LINKED TO THE REAL DEALS!

SUMMARY: You're an up-and-coming musician with a decent platform. You and a Friend of Felix's get close eventually leading you to meet Him. Liking each other at first, wasn't in the cards due to several misunderstandings. Throughout the year You start gaining attention from more than just your fans. All eyes are on you.

You knew moving out was the right idea. Daisy Lyn was now becoming a name and You were also approaching the first week of college. Your phone rings, it's your best friend. "It's 5 in the fucking morning Soojin." Seo Soojin, one of your best friends since middle school had a bad habit of calling you at absurd hours. "It rang once why are you still awake Y/N?" She had an idea but you know she wanted you to answer. "Pulled an all-nighter." You left out the fact that you hadn't actually slept in days. Soojin sighs, "What time are we going to the orientation?" You stopped to think.

"Wanna say 7? 7:30? Why not call Minnie?" Soojin's girlfriend, also Your best friend since middle school. Granted you knew her first. "No, she's sleeping." You sighed, "I could've been sleeping." She laughed at that, and you rolled your eyes. You both knew that wasn't ever the case. "I'll look on the campus website and I'll let you know in a bit," You said already typing away at your computer. Soojin thanked you and hung up, not long after she sent you the time for the orientation.

You rolled you're eyes at one of the many memes Soojin had stolen from you throughout the years. You checked the time and the clock read 5:15 am. Since you didn't have to leave til around 8:15 you decided to take a break from working on your first-ever song and watch some well-needed TikTok. You normally scrolled on a secret account you had since you had a decent-sized platform on your main account, but today you decided to go to your main to interact with people.

It wasn't long before you got bored and decided to text one of your group chats. You had one just between Soojin, Minnie, and Yourself and you had another one with two of your other friends. Jeongseob and Soojin were cousins and you two had met when you were sophomores. Sunoo and you had become friends your junior year because you both shared a very boring English class. Eventually, you introduced Sunoo to the rest of the group and they accepted him.

Jeongseob and Sunoo were both starting their junior year the following week and it was their first year without the girls. You had told them that you were always willing to help them with school and all that. Just because you guys were starting college didn't mean that you would forget them. Eventually, 7:00 rolled around and you got up from your mini music studio and got your ass in the shower. You couldn't help but be nervous as the first day of college was approaching. Yeah of course you were excited but this is the first time since 6th grade that you didn't share classes with your friends.

And honestly, that worried you. As you rinse the shampoo out of your hair you could hear your phone chiming. It was probably the group chat and you told yourself you would check later. Your shower ended and you waltzed back out to your room with your phone in hand. Soojin and Minnie were spamming the group chat.

You sighed knowing for your dream to become reality you had to work for it. And even though you were putting in the work to grow your platform so you could begin releasing music. Now you had to work even harder to actually produce your music. Eventually, the time came around for you to pick up your friends. So you grabbed your car keys, phone, and purse and headed out of your apartment.

You parked in front of Soojin and Minnie's shared apartment and gave 2 loud honks. After that, you sat in your car as Smack That by Akon played in the background. Not too long later the two lovely ladies appeared Minnie hopped in the front seat as Soojin opened the door to the backseat. The clock on the car said 8:49 am, You back out of the driveway and make your way to campus. It really wasn't a far drive but you were a punctual person and you wanted a good parking spot.

"You sure you can handle ten classes a week?" Minnie asked concerned for your well-being. You were overworked at it was and you had been that way since you were 16. You nodded as you focused on the road, "It's nothing I can't handle." You tried to reassure but you saw the look she gave her girlfriend in the back seat. They nodded silently as the music filled the silence in the car. 15 minutes later you were turning into the parking lot. It was slightly emptier than you expected and you managed to find a good spot.

You all left the car making your way into one of the school's many auditoriums. The place was already pretty packed but you found a small section of 3 seats next to a guy who was sitting on his phone. "Hi... Is anyone sitting here?" You ask as Soojin and Minnie stood behind you. The guy looked up at you, "No you can sit," He took a pause, "You guys freshman?" He asked you as you took your seat next to him. "Yeah we are, are you?" You ask him to be polite.

He shook his head, "Nah I'm a sophomore but I'm transferring in." He explained with a smile. "I should introduce myself, I'm Y/N and these are my friends Soojin and Minnie." You say as Minnie nudged Soojin to say hello and waved. "Nice to meet you, My name’s Jeongin, but you can call me I.N."

taglist: @seungseung-minmin

[lmskitty]

Made a little ficlet about teacher au Geto getting a cold while Gojo is out on a mission! It's pure fluff and can be found on ao3 or below if you don't wanna go off-site :) (written for @uotuok my partner in crime who deserves all the love. Go look at her art its INCREDIBLE)

A/n this is sett when the kids are like 13/14 so Megumi is still in middle school and getting into fights which Gojo and Geto try v hard not to encourage. The twins and Tsumiki go to the same school. Geto left the JuJutsu world of missions when he met the twins and has only started teaching now that the kids are a lot older.

*********************

Satoru stepped into the entrance of their home and called out. 

“Honey I'm home!” He was met instead with silence and a distant sound of coughing. He frowned taking his jacket off and hanging it up, changing to his slippers. Where was his honey, he was home godammit! 

He noted the mess on the stairs and their entrance hallway of teenage sneakers and sighed as he put on his slippers. 

It was unlike Suguru to not call back a cheerful Satoru~! Or even meet him at the front door. He turned into the living room to see a bomb site of a mess and one very tired sniffling Suguru sat under their Kotatsu. 

“Hi” he croaked. 

Satoru got to his knees in front of him and put his hands on his face, his cheeks were roasting. His cute nose red and sore from blowing it with tissues and his beautiful brown eyes puffy. Satoru felt a panic spike in his chest, he had been gone for a week. Had his mental health gotten bad again, why hadn't Shoko messaged him? Why hadn't the kids?? 

“Oh baby what happened?” 

“Kids got me sick. Don't you'll catch it” Suguru sniffed before erupting into coughs. Satoru sighed relieved, a cold he could deal with, the idea of Suguru alone and drowning without him there to help pull him up haunted him after their teenage years. 

“Where are the kids?” 

Suguru erupted into coughs before answering “Tsumiki is at her friend's studying, Megumi is at an “after school club” but I think he's fighting again and the twins are in Harajuku shopping. They may or may not have your credit card, I'll admit I've not been on top of it. They only got this cold for like a day but Ive been sick since Tuesday” he groaned. “I'm sorry, the house is a tip”  

“Why didn't you call Shoko to come fix this love?” Satoru said gently stroking his check with his thumb.

“Tried, she's too busy. It's her weekend away with Utahime” he grumbled. He laid his head on the table. “ Stupid lesbians” 

Satoru stroked his hair which clung to his face limply, lacking it's usual shine and chuckled. Poorly Suguru was always a little dramatic, Satoru hadn't seen him like this since the early days of getting the kids when they had started new schools together and had brought home every sickness bug under the sun. Satoru had been unaffected with his limitless and RCT Suguru on the other hand had walled himself in their bedroom only letting Shoko in to fix him from the stomach bugs that plagued them, refusing to let Satoru see him in all his vomiting glory. Satoru had pointed out he had seen him barf after curse swallowing plenty of times but Suguru had maintained his distance nonetheless. 

Satoru kissed his head gently. 

“Ok baby, you stay there. I'll fix this.” He said but Suguru was already closing his eyes. 

It took about 15 minutes to set the bath and make a tea but when he came back Suguru was still laying there looking almost pathetically unwell. 

“Up we go sweetheart” Satoru said lifting him easily. Suguru barely fought him and wrapped his arms around his neck letting his husband carry him up to the bathroom. Steam and the smell of lavender arose from the room as Satoru gently undressed him and helped him step into the water. He sighed at the heat before swallowing the cold medicine he offered with a peppermint tea. 

“How's it feeling?” 

“My whole body aches but this is good” Suguru sighed as Satoru began to gently wet and wash his hair with his special shampoo. 

“I'm sorry I'm not ready to go to pound town like we promised” Suguru sniffed. Satoru laughed. 

“I can pound you all you want later or vice versa. For now let me take care of you my love” he said kissing his husbands forehead. Suguru nodded, coughing again as Satoru rolled his sleeves up and got his hands deep into Suguru's hair massaging out what he could of his headache. 

“You shouldn't kiss me you'll get sick” 

“I can't get sick but I'll happily try” Satoru smiled, giving his husband a few more kisses for good measure. Once he was satisfied with Suguru's sleepy expression and his hair shone, Satoru kissed him again and left the room promising to come back shortly. 

He surveyed the living room first making short work of the mess of tissues and takeaway boxes on the side, loading the dishwasher and chucking in the clothes Suguru had been wearing to the washing machine and turning it on. He then worked his way through the hallways, picking up the twins' items; they tended to leave their stuff everywhere unlike their sister Tsumiki who always kept neat and tidy,  Mimiko tended to leave stuffies and books she had been reading wherever she sat whereas Nanako’s main offenders were bobby pins, hair ties and weird variations of spicy crisps. He binned the rubbish, bundled the items together and took them to their room, making a note to remind them to tidy it up later. Sure he was messy but he still had standards, he grimaced at their shared bathroom and the hairs on the shower wall deciding this was definitely a task for them and not their parents. He checked in on Megumi and Tsumiki’s room and found them spotless as always, smiling as he left the corridor and made his way to his and Suguru's floor of the house which contained their bedroom, bathroom and home office. 

He listened in for a moment to their bathroom and heard gentle snoring from his partner and smiled as he left him to rest for a moment. 

Their bedroom was a bit worse, it was clear while he had been away that Suguru’s health had taken a toll, he had gotten into a habit of coming home and immediately dumping his clothes/bag on their floor and getting straight into bed which was currently in disarray. Satoru opened the window and tried not to feel too guilty, it was part of their agreement now in exchange for Suguru leaving the Jujutsu world (aside from teaching) and missions behind him Gojo had to take on more which meant sometimes he would be away for a week or longer, sure he missed going on missions but he'd rather a happy Suguru any day of the week and normally his time away allowed them to really miss each other and get all ramped up and grabby the moment they got each other alone. 

He picked up the several days worth of clothes that lay stranded, changed their bedsheets and repositioned Suguru's book pile on his side of the bed, binning the tissues and replacing the glass of water with a fresh drink too. Lastly he picked a pair of soft, clean pyjamas for them both and stripped off himself. 

Suguru opened his eyes a little as he entered the bathroom and Satoru gently lifted him forward as he slid in the large bath behind him. He sighed adding more hot water as Suguru’s head rested against his chest, their legs entangling in the water as he wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. Suguru settled against him as Satoru stroked along his arms and chest. 

“Sorry” 

“Dont be sorry for being poorly-” 

“I'm sorry for not telling you” Suguru said quietly. “Its embarrassing, you and Shoko can use RCT and I get knocked out by a basic cold.”

Satoru tilted his head to kiss him. 

“You don't need to be sorry, I love you, you look after everyone you're gonna have to accept that you need looking after too and I'm more than happy to do it.” 

Suguru smiled gently and laid back against him, stroking his husband's arms under the water. 

“How are you feeling now?” Satoru asked and Suguru hummed. 

“Better, but then with you I always do” 

They settled, embracing the heat of the water and each other, napping a little. Later when Gojo lifted him out and dressed him in pyjamas and gently dried his hair they would remark on the pruning of their fingers and Satoru would make them all chicken ramen for dinner and Suguru would fill him in on all the school gossip and Satoru would present him with the souvenirs he had gotten him before the kids got home and bombarded him for hugs (including begrudgingly Megumi) but for now they were sated, warm and safe in each others company. Satoru smiled, happy to be home. 

[joekeeryswife]

Your infertility fic was really good and as someone who has experienced a miscarriage before it’s very accurate, especially the part about family being pregnant and happy and it hurting so much once you’ve experienced profound loss like that. If you happen to make it a small series, one thing that is common after miscarriage is once you become pregnant again you are stressed out the whole time and terrified that you will lose that baby again or something will go wrong all the way up to delivery (at least that’s how I was when I finally had my son last year). But again, it was so good!

Infertility 3 - J.Q

hello love! idk if you want me to use this but i thought about how educational this was for other women out there. however i wanted to say congratulations on having your son! i wish him and you the best health and future! with this series now i feel like i’m dragging it out so the next imagine will be longer and the last part unless someone requests another one. enjoy i guess this is honestly so bad sorry!

it had been four months since that conversation with Joseph and nothing had really changed. sex didn't feel like a chore and you'd practically stopped trying. you hadn't taken a pregnancy test since his mums birthday and in all fairness you felt relieved. you didn't feel the weight of the negative tests on you anymore and you and Joseph had both been a lot happier. for the past few weeks you'd been feeling nauseous and just all around shitty. you'd wake up, feel sick, be sick then lounge around in bed feeling like you couldn't move from how ill you felt.

Joseph had been the biggest help. he'd bring you food, water and medicine. he'd also just sit there and hold you as you slept. you hated the way you felt and the feeling that you couldn't do anything just made you feel worse. it was a Tuesday. Joseph had left for an interview early that morning and as much as you protested and begged him to stay home, he admitted he couldn't get out of it even if he tried. he would be back around 4ish meaning you'd be alone all day.

you had been napping for most of the day and saw it was 15:21 when you checked the time on your phone, Joseph would be home soon and you'd never felt more relieved. you decided it was best that you had a shower instead of being lazy again. you got up out of bed and walked to the airing cupboard to grad two towels and walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. you stripped before getting in, feeling the warm water spread across your body. after about ten minutes of standing in the shower, you felt out of breath. like you'd just done the biggest work out and your legs felt like jelly.

never in your life had you ever felt like this. you felt ill all the time, sometimes even faint and now you felt out of breath from just standing. something wasn't right. you sat down in the bath, just letting the bath run over you as you tried to catch your breath. after regaining your breath and you felt somewhat better, you stood up and turned off the shower before wrapping the towel around your body. you picked up your clothes from the floor and put them in the washing basket before walking to your bedroom.

you sat on the bed, thinking about any possible causes and none came to mind. you finally after what felt like forever decided it was best to get dressed. you went to your pyjama draw and got some bottoms before going to Joseph's draw to grab an oversized t-shirt, well, it was oversized on you but not on him. you sat down at your vanity and brushed your wet hair, the faint feeling coming back over you. you let your elbows rest on the vanity desk top and your head fell to your hands, hoping the feeling would go away quickly.

you let your eyes close as you focused on your breathing, tears filling your eyes as you felt yourself feeling nauseous again, not hearing Joseph come home. Joseph knew something was up with you and he was thinking logically about this. there was only one possible thing he could think of so he left work early and got three pregnancy tests. he didn't want to get his hopes up but he knew you weren't right and this wasn't a virus bug, this was something completely different.

he walked through the house, not seeing you anywhere. he walked to your shared bedroom and walked in, seeing you with your head in your hands, breathing unsteady. he walked into the room, bag of tests in hand. he chucked them on the bed and then walked towards you. he put his hand on your back as he kneeled down to your level, rubbing it soothingly. your head moved from your hands to look at him, your lip quivering. "sweetheart, you alright?" he asked, seeing you with teary eyes and flushed cheeks.

"Joey" you said, relieved he was home. you let your arms move to around his shoulders as you sobbed quietly into his neck. he turned your body to face him instead of your body twisting uncomfortably to him. he let you cry in his neck, not making any noise as he comforted you silently. he knew something was wrong and he was going to prove his point. "i need you to do something for me sweetheart" he said, picking you up and walking to the bed. you were confused when he reached for the plastic bag that was sat on the bed.

he pulled out a digital pregnancy test and showed it to you. your heart dropped, there was no way you were pregnant. you were barely even trying. you shook your head, feeling terrified. you don't know what got you so worried, maybe it was the thought of another negative test and something else being wrong. "no, there's no way i could be" you said, making him sigh. "look, i know you don't want to do this but i really think we should at least rule this out." he said, moving a hand up to your cheek to wipe away the tears.

"Joe i'd never forgive myself if i took that and it was negative. you know i can't be put through that again and neither can you" you said, getting off his lap and standing in front of him. he grabbed ahold of your hand and looked at you with pleading eyes. "y/n if it's negative then we need to know what's actually wrong okay?" he said, standing up as he basically towered over you and you looked up at him. "something could be seriously wrong with you and maybe we should at least see. if it's not this then we need to go to the doctors or something because you've been like this for weeks baby. we need to know" he said, making your heart swell. he really cared and you loved that about him.

you sighed, looking away before grabbing the test out of his hand. he grabbed ahold of your face gently, kissing your cheek before kissing your lips before letting go, allowing you to walk to the bathroom to take the test. as you finished taking the test, you put the cap back on before putting it on the counter top, face down. "Joseph, you can come in here now" you shouted out, hearing him leave the bedroom and opening the bathroom door. you washed your hands before drying them on the towel which was on the towel rack.

you walked to the toilet and put the lid down, sitting on it as you nervously picked at your nails. "hey, stop doing that" Joseph said, walking towards you. he sat on the bath tub next to you and grabbed ahold of your hand. "it's gonna be okay love, whatever it says we'll be okay" he said, bringing your hand up to his lips as he placed a kiss on the back of it. you looked at him, eyes full of panic and fear. what if you weren't pregnant and there was something seriously wrong? but what if you were pregnant, how would it feel to actually carry a child you'd been desperately hoping for.

you guys sat in silence for the five minutes, it felt like forever with the waiting. Joseph would take sneaky glances at you as you looked at your lap, waiting for the five minutes to be over. once Joseph's timer went off on his phone, you stood up quickly, scared to look at the test. "you look first love, it'll be okay" he said, kissing your forehead gently. you picked up the test and closed your eyes, doing a silent prayer that it was positive. "no wait, i don't want to look alone" you said, opening your eyes to look at Joseph, seeing him already looking at you.

his eyes softened as he saw the scared look on your face. "okay, you ready?" he asked, watching you nod. you took a deep breath and flipped over the test. your hand went to your mouth as your eyes filled with tears. you felt Joseph wrap his arms around you and kiss your cheek. ‘pregnant 5-6 weeks’ it read. the whole time you’d been feeling ill wasn’t because there was something horribly wrong, you were pregnant. you sobbed into Joseph’s neck as the news slowly started to sink in. “oh my god” he said, his arms tightening around you.

one of his hands was in your hair, holding you close as his other was on your back, stroking it softly. you pulled back, giving him a kiss which he reciprocated. you’d never been more excited in your whole life. you’d been through this once before but nothing compared to this. “we did it” you sobbed, feeling relief serge through your body. “we did it baby, i told you we would didn’t i? i’m so proud of you” he replied, kissing your lips passionately. this was it. you were finally pregnant with the miracle baby you’d always dreamed of.

[justices-au]

Starting off the characters with Jeff (probably changes the most in both look and story)! The backstory I am about to share mostly comes from my friend, they came up with most of this so full credit is their's!

Story: Jeff, Liu, and Ben were all friends when they were kids and were actually quite close. However, after an accident when Jeff and Ben were around 12-13 and Liu was about 6-7 Ben died in a drowning accident leaving both boys very upset, Jeff even more so. After Jeff turned 15 he was still clearly affected by what happened being a lot more closed off and moody, his family moved in hopes of lifting his spirits and 'getting their happy boy back'. This did little to help him and if anything made things worse for his mental health and worsening of anger issues.

It was at his new school he met Randy, Keith, and Troy a group that was known for causing trouble. However, instead of bullying Jeff, they invited him to join their little group as even as a teenager Jeff was pretty well built and clearly strong. Jeff began hanging out with the 3 and spent less time with his brother, as well as doing nothing when his new 'friends' would make backhanded comments about him. All throughout high school Jeff got roped into the trouble Randy, Keith, and Troy would cause, including assisting in a few minor thefts and picking on other kids at their school. He hid all of this from his parents.

At 18 he was outed to his parents and almost kicked out, leading to him cutting contact with his family as soon as he graduated. He continued to hang out with his three friends but after they began making comments about Ben's death, Jeff snapped. His anger issues and other problems had been slowly worsening over the years and hearing someone mock someone he was so close to made him snap. He murdered all three of them and ran to his brother, who he'd have very low contact with for help as he "was the only person he could think of to help". Due to paranoia, however, he believed Liu was going to report him to the cops and killed him as well, but not before being badly burned in retaliation. A few months after he also ended up murdering his parents. He struggled for years after, even after he slowly came back to his senses. Eventually, he was approached by Slenderman and was offered a position working for him in return for providing him shelter, food, water, and an outlet for his anger.

Jeff is still very much so a violent person and is known around the mansion for being a huge jerk. Very few people are safe from his insults and taunting. This leads to him getting into a lot of arguments and fights and gets him in trouble with Slender quite often. If he wasn't so good at his job, he'd probably have been disposed of a long time ago.

He also has zero sense of self-preservation and can't keep track of anything for the life of him. It's part of the reason he keeps so many knives (aside from being genuinely interested in them).

His right eye is actually fake as the original was too damaged to be kept. He usually wears a more realistic one but has a few cooler fake eyes to put in when he feels like it (sometimes to just freak out new recruits).

He does in fact feel bad for what he did to Liu but is too scared he hates him to actually talk to him about it. E.J is trying to push the two to reconcile.

If there are any questions about him or other headcanons feel free to ask!