#and it's been so long since i got a cold
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can i get a what what
#ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I MADE ONE OF THESE AAAAHHHHHHH#also i no longer have a cold#got better like a week ans a half ago#bully#bully canis canem edit#bully scholarship edition#gary smith#jimmy hopkins#johnny vincent#derby harrington#pete kowalski#beatrice trudeau#lola lombardi#tad spencer#algernon papadopoulos
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some postgame doodles for pride month
#martzipan#komahina#hajime hinata#nagito komaeda#domestic kmhn likers pspspsps cmere#i never draw just fluff/domestic things bc i get too in my feelings lmao. this one was no exception#i had to take a break midway through bc i got sappy. IT'S OK THO we got it done :3#neways these tie into some headcanons of mine so i'm gonna share 'em here#mainly i hc them having little ways where they just look out for each other#komaeda is usually the only one who can convince hinata to take a goddamn break without having to forcefully drag him away from his work#bc hinata does NOT take enough breaks. and he does not listen to reason#until there is a komaeda who is tired and can't go to sleep without his human teddy bear :((( can't let him go to bed aloneeee#n i think hinata just. casually feeds komaeda ALL the time#bc he won't eat enough on his own. and if you offer him food he'll be inclined to see it as a nicety and try to reject it#but if you just. Put Food In Front Of His Mouth. he'll eat it#it's kind of a reflex like komaeda doesn't realize he's being fed most of the time#they take care of each other bc they won't take care of themselves otherwise lmao. it's a little dysfunctional but they're trying#i think once they've recovered enough to be able to just enjoy each other's company they get REALLY really giggly#they have a lot of teenage/young adult love stuff to catch up on and since they didn't really have a puppy love phase. they laugh a lot#they'll try to do something tender or sweet but then one of them will start to laugh. and then it's not long before the other breaks#komaeda usually breaks first. bc he's always in awe of just how happy he is. bc he never thought he COULD be this happy#not without hell looming just over the horizon anyways#when hinata breaks first it's bc he's thinking of how much they've both been through and put each other through#and he's just sort of like 'how the fuck did we end up here'#(btw komaeda snorts when he's trying not to laugh. this is just fact trust me)#OH AND I HAVE MANY HEADCANONS ABT THEIR SLEEP STUFFS#as stated hinata runs hot and komaeda runs cold. but ALSO#hinata's a sprawler. komaeda gets Clingy. it works out for them tho#if komaeda doesn't have hinata to hold like a body pillow he'll curl into the tightest little ball. it gives him back pain lmao#oh and yes. they absolutely wake up with their legs incredibly tangled together
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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Holup, they’re all rocking the same inclement weather gear
#ok the ascent is season 5 of ds9 and they are still in the black uniforms#they switch to the new uniforms LITERALLY the following episode#the timeless timeline is 15 years in the future but they stole the delta flyer#conceivably they outfitted the flyer with the uniform cold weather suits#when Chakotay and Harry got back they decommissioned the Flyer as is#but damn space ships require a hell of a lot of maintenance so how is it still up and running after sitting for 15 years#like how long was it sitting in the shipyard? the whole 15 years?#also they have two suits when quark and odo had to share the one#I’m as confused as the EMH#also lmao at the cold weather overalls#they’re so shiny and quilted I love the costuming so much#it’s been a minute since I’ve seen the ascent but do we see the overalls or just the jacket?#have we even seen these outfits on commissioned officers? hmm#oh god does this mean these ridiculous suits are going on my never ending dream cosplay list? oh god#Actually the timeless cosplay is uniformed and frozen sprayed down with fake snow hilarious#how easily I latch onto the costuming like damn
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WAIT. After lv 15 they don’t have any more affinity lv content for the global server..!
#How am I going to survive the cold long seasons of no main story content after this..!!#(I get that it makes sense global doesn’t have any of the later lv things since it has only been two months since release and I would-#assume CN also only got more later on but still)#this has literally been the only way I’ve been surviving since I finished all of godheim like 2-3 weeks after release#hey at least eden is coming out tomorrow so theres that#I won’t be starving for a good while I’m assuming#I guess I’ll just have to hoard all of the later gifts I’ll still be farming for when they release more of the affinity lv stuff#for all time#lovebrush chronicles
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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Okay stream over and as such no one is safe anymore from my RGGJoposting (sorry in advance), HOWEVER I did want to say...
Of course Mine Himself At Present is the furthest thing from punk, but I believe the reason he has that belt is a nod to Nakamura, who is credited with bringing punk influences to the kabuki scene. (This particular photo was taken years after Y3, but...)
By the way, Nakamura is how I found out there's a lot of stigma against sons of kabuki actors who choose to play roles of a different gender than their fathers. He comes from an established line of onnagata, so it was a big deal for him to choose to play male roles.
Arakawa was a taishu engeki actor rather than a kabuki actor, which is less steeped in tradition than kabuki, so I don't know if it would've been the same for him doing the opposite to Nakamura. But it's Neat to think of it as a concerted choice for him in terms of feeling that strong of a connection to femininity.
oh fuck yeah punk in the kabuki world WORD UP TO THE LEGEND.....
#snap chats#tumblr told me to suck a dick and deleted my response THANKS ASSHOLE#i feel suddenly feel like really sick and tired like oh god what the fuck was in teh chicken my bro got me for lunch heeUGUH#i will muster up my strength to respond tho. god no i feel really sick i gotta hurl but i wont#in any case... i love learning#i wish i could say more but thats all i can say ive always been more of a listener than a speaker#what the ufck was in that shicken oh my fucking god#great to have yo in the inbox. ALWAYS happy to see yo in teh inbox even if im a dumbass soemtimes and words fail me#like right now like how my organs are failing me jesus lord#i will try to speak.. i can see peop#ok no i cant i dont hve the brain capacity right now forgive me#the enviroment surrounding 'cross dressing' in theater is. a topic#a topic im too stupid and sick for BUT IT IS ONE.#i know men would play as women in western plays since women werent allowed to act for a long ass while#uhhh wht am i tryig to say#oh like. like the role is 'necessary' like men would need to play women cause we aint got women#but that doesnt mean its a 'respectable' position#do we get what im sayig ?? good god i hope so. im dying.#first it was too cold now im too warm but i cant tell if thats from shame my house or the hoodie i put on#ok my head hurt BYE#soryr im stupid
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ive set a monday alarm to go to the doctor because im so fucking depressed i cant imagine anything worthwhile about tomorrow so. wish me luck babes im gonna try really hard to go at all, for a referral to a new psyche+maybe therapist i desperately need meds
#every once in a while i think. what the fuck is wrong with me why cant i just. live like others do#and its like. ohhh ive been unmedicated for goin on 4 years now an that directly corresponds to how little ive been able to do in that time#unmedicated depression+anxiety + untreated agoraphobia is quite literally killing me#sorry to be so depressing on here but i just. dont want any of my friends to wonder where i am one day#im just trying to post stuff so i have to stick to going to the doctor#cause i wanna be okay n shit#no plans to go anywhere rn but im pretty passively suicidal#so ya im just. trying to be okay rn. really fucken hard#not a lot worth it rn. not very wanted around anyways. irl at least. sucks.#not to sound hopeless but ya im just tryin to have Some hope ig#ough. fuck man. its been a long time since ive been this bad off#it was comin and i knew it especially cold turkey off meds but. goddamn i really hoped i could get on meds b4 i got this bad#://////
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Week 52.4/52: December 25th - December 31st 2023 | Mr. Beggar Grill 🥩
AHHHH how I've missed this group! Was a nice catch up dinner at Mr. Beggar Grill. We ate lots of bbq beef, pork and lamb (also chicken skewers + mushrooms). Got a bowl of spicy cold noodles to share to rid the greasiness. They gave a cash discount so it ended up being only $25 pp after tax & tip. Their service was questionable but the price is so nice LMAO considering we did eat a lot. We went to a bbt place to talk some more after eating (where Weekend Tea used to be). Always nice to talk to everyone.
#365#52#random but cool kids#bbq#chinese bbq#korean bbq#kbbq#cold noodles#we finally got jesslyn out of the house woooooo HAHAHA#been so long since she has been on my blaurgh#jess asking me what school i am from and matt saying CROF is so funny to me#crof is green i am red therefore i am from evil crof
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I love the fact that I can work as hard as I can manage with a broken tooth and a dying tooth (one on each side, I've been chewing on the cavity for a year) and I still cannot save even $10 towards getting dental treatment (2 impacted wisdom teeth, + tooth broken off under the gum, + bad cavity) because I barely make enough to cover my food and board and the insane energy bill
#I'm just ranting don't mind me it's fine I am continuing to exist as usual I may delete this later bc it's a bit of a bummer to read#I prefer to keep my blogging to fun or otherwise nonserious content because it's supposed to be for decompression no real world drama here#I got into a 3 hour body language study and earned $50 so I spent that as fun money on a couple games during the Steam sale just to#take a break from the constant cycle of getting paid and then immediately saying goodbye to all but about 15 cents#(well it was 1 game Slime Rancher 2 and then 2 expansion packs one for Planet Zoo and another for Cities Skylines long play hours mileage)#I've tried to budget to buy small things like a fan or a toothbrush maybe (mine is 8yrs old and doesn't charge sometimes) but NOPE#let alone stashing away over $2000 for the amount of treatment I need given tooth extractions are $200-$500 each#I use about $50 of groceries a week ($30 USD) sometimes up to $80 if I need to buy some extra toiletries or bonuses like ham/falafel/bread#our last quarterly power bill was $1900 FOR NO REASON even for a winter one#olessan oration#the work I have is HIT/mturk type work which pays amazingly well and I am so grateful because I can't work in a traditional environment due#my inability to sleep/wake on anyone else's schedule and need for engaging work but it also means each worker is basically a contract worke#picking their own hours which is VERY HARD to stick to for me since I may also have ADHD-i but that diagnosis also costs like $2000 in Aus#so I'm doing my best fucking lmao#I have a set minimum hours I want to keep up to and move to full time but I am so exhausted by the constant background noise of#the tooth problems that I burn out very quickly#like the tooth ache isn't that bad#the tooth is actively dying but the pain isn't unbearable it just shits me off at all times#it's bearable most of the time and doesn't affect my sleep unless the temp is cold or something#it's been bad this week tho so I've gone through almost all my ibuprofen managing it#the tooth that broke off broke off earlier in the year and the gum has mostly healed over and the dead root is concealed inside my gums now#that stopped being painful in mid 2021 but when it died it was pretty bad it did stop me sleeping for a couple weeks#Christmas 2021 involved me contemplating ripping the tooth out myself lmao#the nerve eventually died seemingly without an abscess#unless I DID have an abscess but that seems extremely unlikely because abscesses are SEVERE AND HORRIBLE AND LIFE THREATENING#sometimes I can feel the tooth ligament wiggling on its own or I like flex it by accident it's so weird bc the tooth is gone so#the ligament is still holding onto the root but with way less weight#anyway I am eating my mac n cheese n veg with the side that has the missing tooth because the cavity tooth has a big bruise along the gumli#gumline which may be from overzealous brushing (I fill the tooth will temporarily filling putty and it needs to be cleaned well when the#putty falls out)
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i am. so stupid aaaa
#mrowr.txt#it got COLD suddenly here so we went and grabbed my 2 totes of pillows and blankets from storage#and i was hoping theyd be okay for now since we flea treated and i storaged everything#and its been in totes in storage for a full year#but theres still flea corpses on a few blankets so i got panicked and shoved them in the hallway#if i get fleas here in this apartment i will actually kill myself#im hoping im not THAT unlucky that somehow eggs or larvae SURVIVED that long#in plastic totes. alone in a storage unit. over the winter.#for a full year...#but now my skin is crawling i just wanted an extra blanky for the weather ugh.#gotta rush to the laundromat tomorrow but if they're buggy itll be too late
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#whew you know when you've been Going for a while and then you get a break and you're still tired but you're also so so jittery#S WHERE IM AT OHHH MY GOD#luxury problem and it's totally fine but i am crawling up the walls my friends#also update time ig!! took my family to the autism group meeting thing on tuesday bc it was a meeting esp for that#and they kept throwing me glances throughout the info part like lol it's you JDFHJDFH it was v interesting#bc throughout it all it's like... here i have info about autism and here i have my 25 years lived experience without thinking i had autism#and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they#don't fit 100% (it's . the autism) so anyways it was v helpful!!!#and my mum was like ah yeah i always had moments where i thought so?? but then it didn't fit the cold white boy stereotype bc i#am empathetic and i have humour etc so she never mentioned it to me bc it's a big thing etc and tbf i wasn't ~ready pre-this year#but now it's like... ah yes i was always upset on holidays and they never got why (the change in Everything)... i was picky with food#and with new shoes and i HATED shopping and it overwhelmed me so much (still does)#i would ask my mum what tf i was feeling and why i was crying and i would analyse social interactions#and i'd have obsessions with media and horses etc. was big know-it-all. was so slow with some subjects at school#like yknow when you had to copy letters 80 times? that'd take me ages and i'd get a fail bc i was being so precise#anyways. enough signs methinks dfjhdjh so now im just trying to see where stimming & eyecontact come in?#i never noticed a problem with eyecontact but im trying to let myself not do it and it's kinda nice?? but idk#and stimming idk i used to suck my thumb for a long time but?? i wanna try things but whew internalised ableism etc#so see then im like so ARE YOU ACTUALLY-- but anyways it seems i am#and my mum made me realise that'd. explain why i suddenly developed depression around age 11 and never got out of it again#so lots of Thinking!!! and wanting to shelve things like ok great figured it out NOW WHAT but noooo#also stupid to do this on tumblr and not rly talk about it with irl friends but what do you say like#hello im autistic? yeah it surprised me too. no i can't really explain how it works for me. no that's not how the spectrum works#so here we are yes#<3
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sick today. ugh.
#i haven't been sick since september so i'm surprised i dodged it this long tbh#also love LOVE how the house falls apart as soon as i get sick 🤡#i got an extra hour to sleep today but then it was back to taking care of my baby#it's a pipe dream but i really hope she dodges this cold somehow#sam rambles
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i’ve been feeling really ill lately (and by ‘lately’ i mean like, the last 2-3 months give or take) but i’ve been too nervous to see a doctor about it because what if they tell me i have stage 5 Death Disorder. or just chalk it down to “maybe you should exercise more”
#i personally don't think it's covid since it's been affecting me for so long now but who knows honestly.#i know it can have aftereffects that last for months and while i never got tested for it when i was sick the other month since#it honestly wasn't that bad and thought it was merely a typical sinus cold since i have allergies#but it could have been covid! who truly knows.#a lot of my symptoms correspond with anemia too apparently & my mom was recently diagnosed with it so#i won't know until i actually go & get checked out but i am the Anxious. rather just sit here and die honestly#riley rambles
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i keep deciding i want to grow out my hair again because i miss braiding it but every time ive tried i just get frustrated with it and shave my head again because hair is a sensory nightmare and i have so little patience for it
#why is hair so annoying#like i really like having braids bc i think theyre cute but also having anything other than a buzzcut makes me want to tear my skin off#also my hair grows really fast and is super thick and i hate having to deal with it#cutting it all off every couple months is the most efficient way to deal with it#actually for the past 2 or 3 years ive developed a habit of shaving my head through the summer and spring and letting it grow out when it#starts to get cold#and i always go “hey maybe ill actually let it grow this time” and then spring comes around and i cut it all off again#can you guess what im considering rn?#if you guessed “cutting off all your hair again” you'd be right#i need to find a hairstyle that got some part of it long enough to braid and then have the rest be short#would it require actually maintaining? probably idk it might be worth a shot tho#my hair hasnt been long enough to easily braid since i was like 13 and i miss it :(
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i need someone to scream about m**dblind with me ahhh
#personal#so long story short i got a bit of a free time bc i ended up not taking my exam next week#was checking on what old if demo i could replay but then couldn't resist the temptation & endep up subscribing to jo's patreon#absolutely didn't regret it although i did waste the last 3 days just playing the demo#(and somehow contracted a cold??? been sneezing like crazy since morning im suffering 🤧🤧)#also i found out about [redacted] while doing elena's playthrough and hhhhhh it made so much sense#was in denial at first bc godddd elena's actually the worst option of all my buttons to be subjected to thiss#there's no way her romance route could end with domestic fluff now 💀💀#so yeah that's how i endep up with m**dblind brain rot & now i have several tabs open for elena's character study#tbd
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