#and it's just piling up know what i mean
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Can you die of loneliness...? Asking for a friend.
#rapha rambles#if you saw my last personal posts welp you'll be delighted (not) to learn that i am not going to see my friend#who said she'd buy me plane tickets to go see her for a few days#i shouldn't have gotten too excited why did i even let myself get swept in it i should have remembered that these things don't happen to me#and that this particular friend is not and has never been the most reliable person even though she's a sweet and good person#anyway. back to my empty days and long nights#sorry this all sounds very self-pitying - i've just been feeling even lonelier than i usually do these past few months#and it's just piling up know what i mean
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seven or eight times now ive watched the episodes in which they take the andromache and this is the first time ive realized that during the initial battle, after they board, every time the camera is from dufresne's perspective it's blurrier than otherwise because. he took his glasses off for the fight
#real velma hours#i have a soft spot for s1 dufresne that i dont have for s2 & 3#part of it is that jannes bore a passing resemblance to a longtime mutual of mine so i feel like im watching someone i know#the other part is . well its like andy whitfield versus liam whatsisface when they were on spartacus#i dont know for sure bc they passed and that's the reason their characters were recast. but the actors have a different energy#from seasons one to seasons two and three. and i really wonder what jannes would have brought to dufresne's betrayal#roland reed's take is extremely bitter and self-preservationist#but from what we did get of jannes' performance i imagine his version would've been more confused and fear-based. jaded/feral#and i always think it really wouldve been something#black sails#q#everything about this battle sequence is a masterpiece. from the shot of joshua getting his false fangs ready to put in#to mr beauclerc's pile of like a dozen muskets up in the crow's nest. because it's 1715 snipers can't reload . he has to shoot#a different gun every time#to the way most pirate media glosses over the minutia of battle or even priacy in general because it's about the vibe the aesthetic#but sails' piracy is a means to an end and so its pirates are just like. guys with jobs#the minutia of their battle sequences even in their comparatively less insightful first season are INCREDIBLe. like o'brien levels of detai#and the camera work in this sequence! even on my thirteen-inch laptop screen where my show is on a nine-inch window#i am right there in it i feel like im watching it in 3d
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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o i wanted to make a post that im honestly not smart enough to actually sit down and think out but i like the way meryls trauma doesnt completely woobify her character but does still affect her, it just feels nice to see a female charcater not be completely reduced to a wet soggy mess bc of trauma but also not to (very unrealistically) just Get Over It i think trigun has a nice balance and its refreshing
#also not saying its a secret feminist masterpiece or anything (coz ive seen ppl say that and. come on) but i still think it does well-#enough to be given an appreciative nod#i mean its clear nightow didnt know what to do w milly n meryl after a certain point bc there was just. So much goin on w vash and knives#so he just has the girls do some nomad stuff offscreen until he was ready to bring them back in and yknow what i dont hate that#i think its important to note the women in trigun are fucking amazing tho like. rem meryl luida elendira even lina#and yeah millys underdeveloped but still shes so good#so im not gnna sit here and criticise nightow for being just as misogynistic as some other male mangaka bc i think he does very well#and thats not even to say the bar is on the floor like i truly believe that. i love meryl for a reason#but. ppl can we maybe stop w the 'trigun is so feminist' praise bc lets be real nightow probably just has a thing for strong women#98 anime is a little different tho i was pullin some faces while rewatching some clips.#im obvs talking abt the manga#and stampede is still not done so i wont comment too much on that besides the fact i like where its going (girlwise)#i dont usually like viewing manga thru this lense bc its not the same culture and feminism looks different in japan than it does over here#but i saw a chart. it made me twist up my face and go hrrrrnnnmmmmmnnnnmmnnm..... nnhhnnhhjnnn... mmmmmmmm#jesus i didnt mean to go off in these tags i just wanted to make another 'meryl good' post for the pile#ig im still thinkin abt that chart idk i guess it stuck w me (regretfully)#anyway point is i love meryl for a reason trigun women are great thanks nightow but im not gnna praise him for bein a feminist icon
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Thade Adventures: Parkour
OCs: Thade Orech-Pabat, Caladea Ores-Pabat, and Pirianus Orech-Pabat
Words: 500
Content warnings: heights, getting kinda made fun of in front of your crush
Taglist: @vacantgodling
“Do you think it’s possible to parkour all the way down to the ground floor from here?” Thade said, leaning against the railing at the edge of the open space that cut all the way down to said ground floor.
“Maybe,” Caladea said, barely looking up from her phone.
He grinned. “You think I should try?”
She looked up for real. “No, you can’t parkour.”
“I can totally parkour,” he said, pushing himself up on his arms so that his hips rested against the top of the railing. He brought one sandaled foot up between his hands—he wasn’t going to go further than crouching on the rail, because he couldn’t parkour, but his foot slipped out from under him and his arms betrayed him and he found himself bent double over the railing, clinging to the slats, his feet barely skimming the carpet. The fourth floor suddenly looked very high up.
“Okay, I take it back,” he said. “Can you help me?” If he’d been with anyone but Caladea, they probably would have left him there to think about his actions for a while, but she came over right away to haul him back up by his pants waistband. Which would have worked if he hadn’t chosen this moment to be wearing sweatpants. Instead of helping, she just pulled down his pants, and he suspected also his boxer briefs.
“Oh no, I’m sorry,” she said like it was an accident, but she was also giggling.
“Callie, you better not be filming this.”
“I’m not.” Giggle giggle. She must be, because she certainly wasn’t helping him. He kicked his legs a little bit and felt a cold rush of fear as he shifted forward on the rail. Well, this was fine. He could just work his way back up the slats with his hands, and he would eventually slide back onto the floor. It wouldn’t be easy, but it would be faster. He’d hardly started when he felt familiar rough-edged hands on his hips and he was ungraciously pulled back upright. As his blood stopped pooling in his head, he beheld Pirianus standing there, frowning as always. That is, until Caladea showed him something on her phone, and he cracked a tiny blue-edged smile.
“Thanks,” Thade said with zero gratitude, pulling up his stupid sweatpants. Before he could escape these two chucklefucks, though, Caladea turned her phone on him, and he was met with a photo of himself stranded over the rail, his panicked face looking through the slats, and his hairy asscrack surrounded by ironic hearts and sparkles. Across the top was the word PARKOUR flanked with party poppers and flames.
“Great, thank you,” he said with a fake smile. It should have been funny. He should have been laughing—he could take a joke at his expense any day of the week—but instead he felt his cheeks burning. “I’ll get that put on my calling cards.”
He didn’t look at her or Pirianus as he walked away.
#it WAS an accident however. this did not stop her from taking the opportunity#this one actually made me feel kinda bad for him. because yeah normally he would laugh it off and be fine#in fact if Caladea had managed to get him back up onto the floor he would have been howling about that picture#“no put a clown emoji on my face. yes I promise not to fake parkour again” (this is a lie but it will be less dangerous next time)#that's really what she intended. Caladea is not a mean-spirited person#and shouldn't he have been able to see Pirianus's little smile and be fine anyway? but he knows Pirianus doesn't actually like him#and this otherwise hilarious situation is pouring piles of salt in that wound#so anyway I think Thade has spent most of the last thirteen years pining after someone who will not let him in in the slightest#so he laughs it off and is “fine” with it but this is going to be an absolute powder keg when Kiatcarmen dies#(on that note do you think their theme song is Total Eclipse of the Heart)#Marcus's polycule: tearful heartfelt reunion#Minaya's polycule: trying to hold it together through the funeral and coronation#Kiatcarmen's polycule: just two guys. fighting in the hallway. their husband and wife are ignoring them#(Marcus's polycule is betting on whether they're going to wrestle each other in the hallway tbh)#c: Thade#c: Caladea#c: Pirianus#wip: iecunem#rose writ#thade adventures#rose brambles
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"Killing curse green eyes" is a description that should be reserved for a Harry that is an alarmingly few amount of steps away from using said curse.
#So I may have gotten dragged down into#Harry potter#fanfiction#It just kind of happened... I mean I know exactly how#Usually I would do some kind of media analysis but I haven't actually consumed the source material#Still kinda working on the my student spirit one but it's been thrown into the pile a bit.#I may talk about my preferences in harry potter fanfic though. What I find interesting and such#That would in a sense be more general tropes I think. Not necessarily Harry Potter.#I would say though. Would love to read some of the scenes of fake Moody teaching illegal magic to kids.#Like imagine a terrorist who silently escaped prison became a chemistry teacher and showed the kids how to build bombs#and somehow was like the next best chemistry teacher they've had as the position keep getting replaced every year#That's the best analogy I can come up with. I just think it's hilarious and I would've liked to see more of it.#I imagine he would so try to teach the seven year Slytherins all three unforgivables if I got the chance to#And if he could get away with it he would so put the kids under the crutio for a bit as well#saying something along the lines of “They have to know what it feels like for real. Know how debilitating it really is.”#I don't think he'd get away with it. But he would probably try to see he could. test the waters with the staff a bit#I guess that's all about the canon though#I found a wonderful youtube video talking about Draco that I really liked as well. Popular fandom reception of him is...#He's kind of a spoiled ignorant bigot. People tend to forget that because#he regretted his empty words when the weight of them and reality backslapped him across the face.
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shin would apologize for his bed being a mess even if it’s overall fine, meanwhile keiji’s out here like “hey, let’s uh. keep this in the hallway alright? maybe find a nice, grassy spot to talk this out...” and then when he moves out of the doorway to close his apartment door you’re briefly face-to-face with the fact that he. needs severe help.
#he doesn't hoard things but what he does have just... isn't organized#he isn't the sort who deals with nasty food or what have you scattered around the place; it's more of a... why do you have a lightbulb on#the floor sir. -> ''oh. that. huh. must've been a ghost.'' (voice of someone who was having terrible hallucinations)#(in the midst of trying to replace a dull bulb and just gave up even though he knows he might get glass in his foot)#and then of course just. a corner for his pile of bedsheets & towels... papers strewn about his main living area. his dishwasher is always#full of shit and he never has the energy to put the clean dishes anywhere but the spare counterspace#which means he has to prepare his food on the main coffee table#and so you see like. spice and flour or emptied cans there#it's just... idk. i think a lot abt the characters' living spaces and his makes me especially sad#esp knowing his mother's probably in a. similar position w the lack of motivation to do upkeep w/o (young) keiji's health at stake#& the whole... setting an example thing (where even then she feels she failed) - certainly not as bad as him. but...#they're definitely predisposed to. depression lol. it's simply the poor man's life#jestersvaguely#yttdposting#god. what am i doing talking abt keiji fucking shinogi. rubs my face. i don't care much for this guy & i just meant to get up to draw#+ get pain medicine & then go back to bed...
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when vil said "don't look at me with those eyes" then went "ill just make everyone else uglier"immediately after. i felt that
#i feel like its kind of a rite of passage as a cater kinnie ( ? ) to question whether i also kin vil or just feel kinship#yk??? cuz being in the public eye does things to you#ESPECIALLY when youre raised within public view#and i mean im not FAMOUS by any means but within my states cosplay community i have somewhat of a name ( more of a face really )#and even if people don't outwardly compare you to others you know it happens#and when you already feel inadequate it just piles up#and even tho i do what i do is to fulfill my OWN sense of beauty i cant help but compare myself to 'real women' or 'real men'#and it gets to a point where you're like. fuck this i cant take it. if im ugly what are *you*?#anyways i think hes just a big comfort for me. really pulls at my heart but doesnt fuse with it yk#twisted wonderland#twst#book 5 spoilers
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Thought about Mando and went through like twelve stages of grief again.
#every possible direction they could've gone#and this is what they choose#unsurprisingly i keep looping back around to anger#i mean it's sw; disappointment was inevitable#so i am feeling very dead dove 'i don't know what i expected'#but fucking still#to use your unique and much-loved show as a launch pad for a deluge of spinoffs to capitalize on the popularity#and then just try to cram a bunch of that into the show when some get canceled#after doing the worst rush job resolution of your literal season finale in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHOW#it's like watching the car wreck in the blues brothers#just piling up and piling up and piling up the fuck-ups#and now that you've rushed your main characters to the end of their arc prematurely#you shove them in the background as set dressing#it's maddeningly inept
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Selling stuff on vinted makes me so anxious for no legitimate reason I swear
#i literally just listed two of my tarot decks and i’m already nervous#like what if my photos aren’t good? what if the price is too high?#i listed these two just to test it out honestly. i still have the original boxes and guidebooks for both of these so i figured it’d be fine#i did put the price for each one as £10 because i mean.. they have a really nice sturdy box and full-colour guidebook arriving with them#and are in perfect condition. they’re not indie decks but also probably not super well known i think#i’m willing to come down to probably like £5 on each one tbh. i just want to see realistically: do i get any interest#and what can these sell for. and are my photos okay#for each one i just took pictures of the box; guidebook; the back of the cards (with the cards all piled up as a full deck)#and then i picked about 5 random cards and just took a photo face up in an attempt to show the artwork and what a spread would look like#my background was just my duvet colour which is currently white#i think the photos are fairly clear. they’re not like horrendous#i’m not in any of them and neither is my laundry that was also on my bed at the time#i just hope this goes well. i would love to get some serious decluttering done#honestly i want to pare my deck collection right down to the point where the entirety of it can just fit on my nightstand#because realistically i only use like the wild unknown; the linestrider tarot and a couple others#i’m torn about keeping indie decks that i don’t really use like the prisma visions tarot and moonchild tarot… on the one hand they are so so#beautiful and i probably wouldn’t manage to sell them for anywhere near what i got them for#but i really just don’t use them#like i’d feel bad selling the silhouettes tarot considering i literally wanted it for years and it was a grail deck but i don’t USE IT#i read with it once and the reading was about as clear as mud#and THEN there’s all the decks i don’t have boxes for because they came in a crappy cardboard box that wouldn’t have lasted two seconds#i used to knit little pouches for all my decks. most of the decks that are like this are still in those pouches#i feel like i can’t send somebody a bunch of loose cards but i also don’t have a deck to put them in. but would people want my crappy#pouches?? one of my friends said she thought people would be willing to buy the pouches even without the deck#but i have doubts. it’s literally a piece of acrylic that’s been sat on somebody else’s shelf for five years#would you rather receive a deck of boxless cards held together by a bunch of elastic bands or would you rather receive them in a pouch#or is it fine to just leave them loose in the envelope and hope they don’t bend? should i bubble wrap them??#am i overthinking this???? let me know#personal
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*through gritted teeth* i will not be a bitch on behalf of my friend i will not be a cunt on behalf of my friend i am soo normal and not starting shit on behalf of my friend.
#repeating this to myself in the mirror while knowing this isnt true and that in a hour im still going to have autism rage#AND my own personal experience anger and feelings piled on which is just gonna make me go from bitchy to straight up mean#but like. that's what the delete and spam button is there for after it passes & i get that that post post clarity and cathartic release lol
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honestly fuck my family sometimes
#i love them but seriously they can be so fucking lazy and thoughtless.#how hard is it to get your own fucking mother a gift on christmas when she made you thanksgiving dinner and wrapped all YOUR gifts.#the only two gifts she has in her pile right now are from me and i won’t lie i’m pretty disgusted with my siblings rn#i’m sure my dad has something to give her but my brother and sister are just. i’m livid at them.#my sister isn’t capable of making an effort and my brother doesn’t even know what the word effort means.#when your mother has done as much for you as ours has you should get her a goddamn gift she’ll appreciate.#and i told her today i want to go shopping again to get her a couple other things she asked for but she says she doesn’t want anything#but what am i supposed to do when they’ve gotten her NOTHING#i’m taking my brother to the store later to buy her a large bag of her favorite licorice but she already knows we’re doing that#because she’s the one who told me to take him to the store to get her a large bag of her favorite licorice for a gift.#and that’s… just sad. he should be capable of thinking up and buying his own goddamn gift.#hell I’VE been keeping a list of gift ideas for my mom since june#i ALWAYS know what to get her by december#but not my siblings because they can’t be assed!#just… they can be such disappointments sometimes. they really can.
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Personal bitching but I'm unfollowing/blocking anyone in sight that posts about f/naf. Idc if you just got into it or it's a niche you've liked for a while, it's a literal dumpsterfire all the way to the core and I'm not tolerating it around me after 7 years of encouraged braindamage from the creator/fanspace surrounding it all ✨
#'what'd the creator do' google it but he's a far right pile of garbage#anyone who tries to start shit: i was in that fanspace for 7 years since the release of the game#it's filled with gr//mers + egotistical asshats + constant depictions of childgore encouraged among young artists + tons of lgbtphobia#the list goes on#like i said idc if you just get into it or what#i'm not putting up with looking at it or tolerating it when it's a huge source of so much trauma in mine/my bf's lives#it's literally just cheap mascot horror badly written by a religious far right white guy admitting he regularly lies to his supporters#and guess what i'm right because i bought the main series of books and followed the games up until the latest one before shit dropped-#so i know what i'm talking about#'can't i just like the movie' i mean considering watching it/buying merch directly supports the guy who donates to people like t/ump lol ok#yeah it's bitter thinking about the shit that happened in that space directly influenced by the creator#i don't sit cursing at the sky about it lol we just laugh about it together and talk shit#but the point stands that yeah fuck that shit#rosebud posting 💐
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I look too much like both of my parents and act too much like them as well.
#vent#like. i fucking hate it.#at least people mostly just say I look a lot like my siblings because they are so much older than me#but jeez. every time i bite the skin on my finger tips and my nails#i get reminded that dad does that all of the time and I picked up the habit from him#i fucking hate it. i hate it do much.#i mean#i look in the mirror and i know it's me#but thats not who I want to be. thats not what i want to look like.#I don't know what i want to look like but it's not like my parents and not like a girl and that gets rid of barely anything#i just. don't feel comfortable like this. but what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?#i mean. there's nothing objectivly wrong with how I look. 5'3 and about 145 pounds. green eyes blonde hair. it's fine.#but it's too much like them. and it just doesn't feel like me. I don't want that to be me.#every time i wonder if I'm not trans/agender at all. i get reminded that adding calling myself a boy into pep talks makes me so happy.#along with that. when my hair gets dark in the winter and my hair gets tied back. i look in the mirror and it's a bit better.#but not fully better. i still have my chest and every other bad thing about myself.#and after randomly venting into these tags out of nowhere I've come to the conclusion that this probably isn't normal#snd something else is likely wrong with me. but eh. just add it to the pile I guess.
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RED ALERT EVERYONE - girl from my physics class who I thought was just an associate, asked me to hang out, what the fuck am I supposed to say
#just blahs#i don't. know how to respond to this#and also she mentioned some 'massive physics test' and i have no idea what shes talking abt and now im nervous#like girl what do you MEAN we had a physics test ???#but methinks that if i were to go to her house i would shrivel up into a pile of awkwardness#SEE AND THE WORST PART IS THAT SHES LITERALLY GOOD AT PHYSICS AND I AM ACTUAL SHIT AT IT BUT SHE STILL ALWAYS PARTNERS WITH ME ??#i have bullshitted my way through every class period with this woman i do not know if i would servive a hang out#anyways
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licherally out of my mind rn (i am being consumed by blorbo thoughts)
#okay that's not entirely it either.#i really want to make an ask blog for crypto but uhm...#i mean you and i both know that I'll eventually get lazy and stop answering asks#my ask box is piled up rn and i SWEAR i wanna draw what you guys send me#but by god.... drawing is hard.#there are so many crypto requests in there and they're all so interesting#(also ig that it doesn't really help that i am slowly losing interest in apex all together)#you guys didn't hear me say that last part out loud btw 0_0#idk i just feel bad whenever i don't answer asks/requests#just know that I'm not purposely ignoring you guys
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