#and it's like. am I Not Cis enough to be here????
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for pride month I am haviiiiing. an itty bitty gender crisis
#ari speaks#it's like. am I a woman?? what the fuck even IS a woman??#bc if āwomanā is āperson who will bear and birth childrenā I'm already failing on that front due to medical reasons#yippee for pcos. ig#and then it's like. well then what IS a woman#and is that definition even useful??#like do I believe in the catholic gender essentialism I was raised with??#no. no I do not#but like if there's no Inherent Magic Difference between men / women / etc / then like what the fuck does it mean to be a woman#like am I or am I not or is this even a useful thing to conceptualize???#idk I just feel Disconnected from the Concept of womanhood#like I am a Gal and a Girlie but in the sense that Drizzt Do'Urden is my wife#in that it's not about the Gender it's about like. the Vibes#all I know is the pronouns are she/her#and like. maybe that's all I need to know#maybe that's enough#idk it's just. a Word would be nice. so I know I'm not crazy#maybe quoigender is the word?? for now??#idk it's like. my little queer self who forged her identity in the midst of The Ace Discourse back in 2017 is terrified of being accused of#claiming labels and spaces that āaren't meant for herā or whatever#and it's like. am I Not Cis enough to be here????#like she/her and āwomanā is. good enough I guess#I can get by with it#but like.#idk#realizing that I kinda feel disconnected from the whole Gender thing in the same way I feel disconnected from sexuality and romance#and it's like. as a writer. I very rarely actually know what my characters' Genders are#all I know are the pronouns#and like????#[gestures vaguely]
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The trans FTM experience of not knowing how to feel about your detachment from femininity and growing up a woman
#No cause how do I deal with it#I figured out I wasnāt cis YOUNG like I was 11 when I started experimenting with different names and pronouns#but at the same time#I was someoneās daughter#I was someoneās niece#I grew up a little girl#and to those Iām not out to (or those who choose to live in ignorance) I still am all those things#and so Iām still viewed as less than.#I experience āfeminine rageā (whatever the name is)#I experience my medical issues being undermined by doctors#I experience the same limited access to period products#Iām not old enough to medically transition in my state as a minor#So on most levels beside my very liberal big city and social life Iām counted as female despite living in Texas#But the threat of being trans here can be a death sentence#I have few protections as a biological woman and if Trump is elected I will likely have even less#And I canāt begin to tell you how many more Iāll lose as a trans man#Trans#Venting#FTM#Texas#Election#us elections#Transgender#Trans man#Trans male#Trans FTM#Queer#LGBT#LGBTQ#LGBTQ+
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WOAH, HE'S BIGENDER? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
#hey. hey. im just saying. he LITERALLY 'transed his gender' in a diagetic bit in orange. and if that wasnt enough.#in blue he disguised himself as squid jenny specifically with larry's powers (the only thing hes done with them on screen)#got caught by his god-assigned roles-obsessed caretaker. and was given the label of being something intrinsically unescapably deceitful.#while 'pretending' to be trans girl.#like. if i wasnt pretty sure it was all an accident i might even call the allegory here slightly heavy-handed.#with the nccts emphasizing a theme of 'youre not just what people say you are#you can be more than one thing at the same time' with crim#i think crimson can have boygirl swag. some bigender pizzazz. i think he deserves it.#is it REALLY a cpu kerfuffle arc without a subversive narratively relevant gender-transing.#am i supposed to believe the spirit of deviance himself is cis? get fucking real. grow up. /silly#also a lil crimtoinette in there. just for flavor. because i cant help myself.#also sidenote the nccts have given him this cute lil tendency#to tip his hat down to hide his face when hes trying to be Genuine or Thoughtful or Poignant. and i enjoy that little touch#i maybe like this guy a little too much. hes most of what ive drawn for months.#but what do you want from me. i read him as a queercoded villain deconstructed at the metanarrative level.#am i just supposed to be normal about that.#me and zia talked about this in dms and discovered. we came to a lot of the same conclusions. completely independently. lmao#cpuk crimson
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What's the word for the deep sense of loneliness seeing other girls get to have fun with girls... then personally being harassed and shadowed by their boyfriends or men in the same spaces specifically for being a lesbian and truly refusing to have interest in physical contact or flirt with men for free
Lesbian Lonliness has been a year...
#the walking home alone late at night from bars & events vibe#āgot another You are strictly women only..But you're so prettyā#trying to navigate adult scenes when I also have a lot of basic upfront boundaries and restrictions like...being a lesbian#yes i'm a such a lesbian too...anyways here's my cis male boyfriend that I love and am in a happy relationship with#like I am truly glad seeing the other queer and bi/pan girlies have fun...they deserve their fun#i'm just like...huh...I got the 'you really don't find men attractive enough to date or lay with for free? not one'#I'm also a pillow princess with women
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Being far along enough in my gender transition that assholes think they can make queerphobic comments to me like I'm gonna agree with them is the WEIRDEST set of emotions I've ever felt in my life.
Coworker: "Gonna have a beer cause I ain't a fucking queer, eh?"
Me, a cocktail-loving tranny faggot who's simultaneously having his gender affirmed and being subjected to homophobia:

#from the desk of anachron#like I'm glad I pass enough for them to think I'm cis but also ew they think I'm cis#I guarantee I have never once said anything that would make them think I agree with those jokes#and yet here we are#gender affirming but mentally devastating#q slur#because in this context he actually is using it as a slur#I am a queer but you know how it is
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know š¤#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> š#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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"It's not dysphoria" I say as I write an entire assignment on my own invisible queerness and gender identity, and as I feel like tearing my skin off and crawling into a cave forever
#i love that this seems to happen every october sdfghfd#those who have been here long enough know the pattern by now#but what am i gonna do about it? nothing probably. idk maybe something when i'm 45#i would be more okay with all this if i wasn't fucking 5'1 with the biggest girly baby eyes ever#god when cis people say 'but you're so pretty' all sad like it's a shame i'm not dolling myself up.#maybe i can pass as an 11 year old boy. and maybe passing isn't the point. but i would at least like a CRUMB.#....ah. that's why i'm so messed up rn. probably this assignment / research topic i'm choosing#and also having to keep my partner's transition a secret. it's not hard i just worry that someone in the family will find out#that's probably why i've procrastinated working on this assignment for so long lol. it's too personal.#i also had one of those days yesterday where i felt like everyone was scrutinizing me. and maybe a few old men actually were#but i mean who cares? but still can't queer people just exist without being a spectacle?#without cis people constantly trying to 'figure them out'?
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Stealing this from twitter
#I NEEDED THIS HERE SO I COULD SCREAM#BC I UAVE SOME FRIENDS THAT FOLLOW MY TWITTER#I WOULD DO. ANYTHING IN MY POWER. TO LOOK LIKE GRIAN FANARG#OH MY GOS WHAT A GUY#I AM A CIS WOMAN BUT HOOOOOOOOLY#THE GENDER#THE SWAG#THE OUTFITS#going insane#I would murder#I do everything in my power to style myself like those fan arts#but itāll never be enough
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gggggggg
#i spent so long being wilfully misunderstood about my gender that im just terrified to come out to anyone now#i see so much ''there's no wrong way to be trans'' on here and still feel like im not enough#unless i go for t or surgery#i don't want those.... or do i? do i feel sick thinking about hrt because i secretly really do want to try it?#also having an indescribable gender i think means you can't really advertise who you're available to#how am i supposed to be on the market? lesbians shouldn't want me cause I'm not a woman - straight girls won't bc im afab....#im positively terrified of pregnancy so that rules out cis men and trans women....#god#i don't feel allowed to date or fuck. ever. lmfao. I'm disgusting#im the one fucking freak who doesn't fall into anyone's categories of ''compatible''#just watch I'll find some cute girl and she ''won't swing that way''. WHAT WAY??? hahaaaaaaa#I'm screwed forever#also I'm 30 which basically means I'm gross and off limits lol#SO glad i spent my entire youth in a depressing miserable relationship and now that I'm able to live#I'm at an age where it's just embarrassing.
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Bruh
#my newest hire was a cishet man which like great except everyone here is queer to some capacity#no big deal but uhhh the owner jumps at the chance to pay cis men more/give them more oppurtunities#like this guy STARTED at the same wage as my keyholder that's been here for a year (who the owner regularly forgets the name of)#the owner puts so much faith in cis men but the last THREE that have worked here have all left/been fired within months#bc they realize that they get paid mode than all the āfemaleā staff and slack off within weeks of working here#like idk how many times I'm going to have to listen to a man say he respects me transitioning#and then doesnt respect my leadership at all#like I am the manager#I have been manager for nearly a year and before that I was assistant Manager for 7 months#I know how to do more in the internal systems than the owner himself does#do I get paid enough? no#(I mean none of us do it's ridiculous)#but like this man (new hire) is talking shit bc he went to an event with the owner yesterday and is 'spilling the tea' about things he said#and like it is all stuff that the guy has commented on himself so im like 𤨠owner never says that to my face that's funny#he even said 'J is great but don't fall into his leadership habits' like what the fuck does that mean?#I order for TWO of your stores#I am learning how to use the $5k coffee roaster you just bought when im used to a $600 because I OFFERED#I am loyal to everyone here and the customers I will always make nice with them and have countless connections through them including#to over a dozen restaurants/suppliers that buy in bulk from us that the owner DOESNT bc hes cocky and thinks he doesnt have to#but 𤪠I'm soooo lazy and don't do anything#we are the biggest location in the snobbiest part of this town I take entitlement in stride#but not if it's coming from a new hire who jokes 'maybe if you had a penis he'd like you more'#šš kill yourself homie I have more balls than you do
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men in hardware stores love to ask me repeatedly if I need help despite my visible headphones in my ears and my lack of looking lost or confused
#i know it's the workers' jobs to check if customers need anything but its the loudly asking multiple times for me#sorry did you ask the cis man that too or just the afab person with headphones on who is walking with purpose toward the section they need#i didnt even look lost i was literally on my way to the part of the store i needed#i was purposely avoiding eye contact but he spoke so loud it was impossible to ignore the first time#i kept walking and pretended i didnt hear him the second time he asked (louder mind you) but damn dude#i know im autistic but i do think i put out enough cues to express that i dont want to be bothered and am comfortable shopping here#i know my way around lowe's my guy but thx#next time just stop after the first ask and the first no#dont keep asking#im not taking out a headphone for you#idk i know it shouldn't bother me this much but the casual sexism on top of the dysphoria....#i feel like it's just everywhere in my life#i know im small and look feminine because i havent started T yet i know i look like a high schooler but i deserve to be taken seriously#i really need people to stop infantilizing me i cant stand it
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Everybody does the exact same stupid shit. That white nationalist anon I was getting a while ago would send me story after story of some random black guy or immigrant committing a violent crime against a white person. Well, yeah, people are violent, you're gonna find those if you go looking for them. And there's a lot of racial animosity in the world, so you'll even find racially charged ones if you go looking! No shit, Sherlock. We could play this game all day. You find me a news story of a black guy killing a white guy, I find you a news story of white guy killing a black guy. This does no one any good.
TERFs are identical. News story after news story of a trans woman raping somebody. Yeah, the world is an awful place and people rape each other. I can find you a news story of a cis woman raping a teenage boy and getting three months in jail. I can find you a news story of a cis mom killing her disabled kid cause they're too much work. But I don't want to. The world sucks shit, why gorge yourself on the tragedy?
Zionists come up with news story after news story of pro-Palestinian/BDS/whatever protestors being antisemitic. Yep. A lot of people out there hate Jews. And there has been a genuine rise in antisemitism since the Oct. 7th attack, and that's awful. There are no excuses for that. Do you know what else has happened since then? The Israeli military has slaughtered tens of thousands of Palestinians, including huge numbers of innocent civiliansāmen, women and children.
People are often terrible to each other. Welcome to Earth. If you go looking for bad actors in a big enough group, you are guaranteed to find them. How about this. What about all the black people who didn't kill a white little girl? What about the black little girls? What about their hopes and dreams? What about their chance at life? What about all the trans women who didn't rape anybody in a bathroom? What if they just want to go about their lives, without constant public scrutiny of what genitals they have (as a cis woman, can you empathize with that? Constant public scrutiny of what you're doing with your genitals?). What about the 30,000 Palestinians who have been killed, and the 70,000 who have been displaced from their homes?
Fear has made you a monster. Fear has driven you to demand slaughter and oppression of innocent people because they look like guilty people you read about on the news, and since they look the same to you, you feel fearfulāhow can you tell whether these are the innocent ones or the guilty ones? Best to oppress and slaughter them preemptively just to be safe. I am here to tell you that this twisted logic of self-defense does not hold. I do not care if you feel safeāI do not care if you are safeāif the cost of your safety is innocent life. The world is a risky place. I am not going to deny that. Horrible things could happen to any of us. If we go around preemptively attacking other over it, we do not make it a bit better. And, needless to say, danger comes from everywhere, from every group of human beings, and oppressing the people who make you nervous will not, in fact, deliver you from danger. It just makes you a monster.
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playing baldur's gate 3 has got me nostalgic for my college d&d club days and thinking some Thoughts on roleplaying and gender so if you will permit me, tumblr (you actually have no choice this is my blog) to tell you the story of Zippy the Kobold
see what had happened was, i was part of a d&d club in college with several of my friends/roommates for about two years. and, while i had a lot of fun and forged many great memories during that time, unfortunately, this club was almost exclusively attended by exactly the stereotype of dude you're picturing when i say the words "college d&d club" and they were...shall we say...less...evolved on matters of gender and representation than one would have liked. especially someone like a loud mouthy unrepentant lesbian, such as i was in my late teens/early twenties
and i noticed this...hmm...trend of the dms of this club (whomst again, are all exactly the kind of CisHet Nerd you are picturing when i say "DM of a college d&d club") to just assume every player character's gender based on the gender they assumed you to be. one of my friends (there were like...four or five girls in this club apart from me and we were all kind of friends by default, you know how it is) was playing a flamboyantly camp gay dude (i think he was a bard but can't remember) and all the dms & other player characters would refer to her character as "she" and i remember it really annoying me for some reason, lmao
and again, at the time i was pretty sure i was a 100% cis lesbian woman, i was comfortable in that role, and i was still pretty new in my understanding of Gender but it still like...really bothered me, the way dms would just carelessly misgender my friends' characters and then act like i was being silly or annoying for correcting them
so because i was a loud, mouthy, unrepentant lesbian, i decided that i would sort of protest this trend by playing a nonbinary kobold sorcerer named zippy, whose pronouns were they/them, and i would loudly and determinedly correct the DM every time zippy was misgendered. this was, obviously, just a funny joke, that was totally a joke and not at all serious, ha ha, and i ended up getting tired of the whole thing after about a month and just stopped correcting people
now obviously, looking back i think there's some interesting threads you can pull out of this about the nature of roleplaying and gender and society's assumptions thereupon, and all that entails, but mostly what sticks with me about this story is HOW IN THE FUCK DID IT TAKE ME ANOTHER FOUR YEARS TO REALIZE I WAS NONBINARY?!?!
#shut up chocolate#dnd#zippy the kobold#seriously this story is like a hundred times funnier to me in hindsight#but also i think there's something sincerely kind of sweet and powerful about how roleplaying gives us these tools#to explore these facets of our identity in safe low stakes ways#i mean i am hardly the first person to point out#the pretty universal phenomenon of queer folks being drawn to ttrpg for Reasons#but still oh my god baby chocolate you adorable little MORON#not a damn clue in that little head of theirs#like i cannot emphasize enough how LOUD and GAY and LOUDLY GAY i was at the time#and even still i was like ātotally cis thoā#āplease ignore all these inexplicable gender feelings i'm havingā#āone hundred percent cis girl lesbian over here yupā
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For Natureās new series on sex/gender, I wrote with the amazing Shari Brightly-Brown and G Nic Rider about gender modality, the limits of the cis/trans binary, and how to study gender more respectfully and accurately.
Gender modality is a term I coined in 2019 that has picked up a lot of steam in the last few years. It refers to the relationship between someoneās gender identity and gender assigned at birth. Itās a lot like āsexual orientationā but for trans/cis instead of gay/straight.
The term helps us be more accurate and more respectful when describing the experiences of trans people, and opens up space beyond the trans/cis binary.
For instance, itās often more accurate to say that discrimination against trans people is based on gender modality than based on gender identity. After all, a trans woman has the same gender identity as a cis woman, so thatās not the salient point.
There are also many people who donāt neatly fall in the trans/cis binary, and gender modality helps us talk about that. Non-binary people who donāt identify as cis or trans, gender questioning folks, detrans folks, people with culturally-specific identities, etc.
Our world is incredibly rich with experiences and our language should reflect that. As we say in the paper, the first step in science shouldnāt be assuming, it should be to engage in the world in all its magnificent complexity.
I am grateful to our editor for the opportunity to publish in such a prestigious journal with such amazing coauthors. I hope you all enjoy the read!
For those who prefer to listen, hereās an audio version.
#lgbtq#transgender#queer#lgbtqia#trans#lesbian#lgbt#gay#gender affirming care#gender affirming healthcare#trans health#trans healthcare#science#research#academia
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i hope that in the wake of predstrogen/predesterone's back-to-back deletion we don't forget about the ongoing building wave of seemingly organic transmisogyny from the userbase leading up to it, some of which may or may not have been the result of terf psyops but all of which certainly wouldn't have been possible without the eager participation of a significant proportion of users, including but probably not limited to:
the entire concept of transandrophobia (if this offends you, think long and hard about why you want so badly for it to be real)
the ongoing backlash against the terms tme and tma (if they offend you, think long and hard about why they might have practical value to trans women and people with similar social positionality)
the ongoing trend of trans women's blogs getting flagged on the flimsiest of pretenses and generally receiving far more scrutiny for "adult content" than anyone else's
the seeming unironic revival of "baeddel" as a slur for outspoken trans women, on the basis of a long-dead clique that, ironically enough, self-applied the long-dead (and tbf, etymologically questionable) slur from the middle ages to reclaim it
the entire "trans women should be fucking trans men instead of complaining about transmisogyny" genre of post
the backlash when tgirls finally started calling out the aforementioned bullshit
the copypasted anons sent to several trans women (many of whom were lesbians) sexually harassing them and threatening corrective rape for calling out the aforementioned bullshit
the backlash when tgirls called the aforementioned bullshit sexual harassment
the expansion of flexible queer label use (which to be clear, i am generally all for) to include "afab trans women", muddying the waters and making transmisogyny harder to articulate
the backlash when tgirls started calling out the aforementioned bullshit
the aita incident in which a trans woman described a cis woman claiming to be a trans woman in a group chat and giving other trans women terrible medical advice based on no actual qualifications or experience, and got a huge backlash for warning them about the aforementioned bullshit despite the stakes of, you know, following terrible medical advice
everything from the sixth point onward happened within the past... week? two weeks? my sense of time is a bit fuzzy. who knows what the rest of this week has in store?
people on this website are so incredibly hostile to trans women even being able to name our own oppression, let alone resist it in any concrete way. and i know it's not just this website. don't you get tired of the crab bucket bullshit? holy fucking shit.
like, i've been lucky, i've overwhelmingly managed to dodge it (probably on account of frankly being a pretty boring and inconsistent poster). this time last year, i was actually bored that i didn't have anons in my inbox to argue with. but i've seen it happen to so many other women now, it's absurd. even if it never hits you personally, you can never shake the awareness that it's happening to so many of the cool girls on here, people you like and whose posts you laugh at and who you look up to. they just kinda seem to drop like flies over time. don't you get tired?
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Five Hargreeves NSFW Headcanons
Ok, so here are some smutty headcanons that I have developed for Five over time. Obviously, this is my personal version and if youāve read any of my stories, you will recognize a lot of these! Also, these are intended to be with a female partner, even though I feel like Five could be with any gender or orientation. If heās attracted to a person and has a connection with them, thatās all that matters. I just write him with cis women because thatās what I am and thatās what I know. Let me know if you think I missed any! š
Warnings: Smut! Sex! Turn back if you don't want smut!
Letās start with relationships: Five does not have the patience, nor the inclination, to care about most people outside of his immediate family. He knows heās smarter (a lot smarter) than the average human, and spending more time than he needs to with someone else and their tiny brain is highly irritating. He does not have a lot of friends and doesnāt feel the need for any. That does not mean he isnāt attracted to women and doesnāt notice them. He most definitely notices. And once in a while he may indulge in a drunken fling here and there. However, when he meets that one woman that lights a fire in him, then it's game over. Heās done for, head over heels, no one will ever come close, in love for all eternity. Heās not going to fall for just anyone, either. Aside from having a body that he wants to fuck all day for the rest of his life, you also have to be smart. And witty. And not put up with any of his shit. Just because heās in love with you, does not mean heās not going to slip up sometimes and say or do something to piss you off. But when you come back at him with some major attitude and fight, he will end up loving you even more. Five needs a spicy woman to put him in his place sometimes.
Blow Jobs: Holy shit, this man loves a good blow job! Nothing makes him hotter than watching you service him. He wants to shove you down on your knees and watch intently as you take him all the way into your mouth until his cock hits the back of your throat. And if you can handle it, heās going to fuck your face. Grab your hair in his fist and thrust himself into you until youāre gagging and drooling, tears running down your cheeks. Maybe heāll come down your throat, maybe he wonāt. Heāll let you know first, though. But if youāre going to be in a relationship with him, you better get used to having his dick in your mouth.
Cunnilingus: He may want you to suck his cock, but heās more than willing to pay back the favor. In fact, Five wants to eat you out like the starving man he once was. Your taste and your scent drives him wild and heāll take as long as you need. In fact, sometimes, he wonāt stop even if you want him to. You can be begging him to stop and to fuck you instead, but heāll just hold you down by your hips and look up at you with that knowing smirk of his; his mouth shining with your juices, and shake his head. Denied. Then heās back at it, sucking and licking and fucking your pussy with his tongue until youāre a shuddering, crying mess, and your back is arching off the bed.
Orgasms: Continuing on that theme, Five will not come until you have, at least once but preferably a couple of times. He considers this a personal challenge, and heās going to do everything in his power to make sure youāre screaming and shaking before heās satisfied enough to let himself go. Ok, sure, there are times when maybe he does not perform as amazingly as heād like. Times when you drive him so fucking crazy with the way youāre writhing underneath him and looking at him with that sexy little pout of yours that he canāt hold back. Heāll feel guilty about it afterwards, though, so once heās able to think straight again, heāll make sure youāre taken care of.
Daddy kink: This is it, guys. The big one. The thing that he absolutely goes fucking crazy over. You want Five to lose his mind over you? Sit on his lap and call him Daddy. Purr it seductively next to his ear while you run a hand down his chest. Remind him of it when youāre on your knees, looking back up at him with wide, innocent eyes, as you slowly unbuckle his belt. Moan it loudly just before he makes you come. Odds are, heās going to be the older one in the relationship, so it just plays into his preferred role of the man in charge. He is the Daddy, here, and donāt you fucking forget it.
Cum: He wants you either covered in it or filled with it. Five loves nothing more than to come inside of you, watching his load drip out of you, dripping down your legs or pooling on the sheets underneath you. But sometimes he canāt control himself, taking matters into his own hands, and covering your tits or your ass in ropes of his cum. Seeing his semen all over you lights up that feral part of his brain because it reminds him and you who you belong to. He usually does this when heās not thinking clearly, and then will feel badly afterwards, especially if he didnāt tell you he was going to do it in the first place. Youāll have to tell him itās ok and that you donāt mind; that you liked it, actually. After he feels better about himself, heāll quickly blink into the bathroom and grab a washcloth or tissues to help clean you up.
Dominance: Obviously, Five likes to be the one calling the shots. He is going to tell you, or more likely order you, to do what he wants. Whether he wants you riding him hard and fast, or on your hands and knees so he can fuck you from behind, heāll let you know. Or maybe heāll just throw you around, no words needed, until heās got you where he wants you. He wants to overpower you, hold you down, pin you against a wall, flatten you with his body on top of yours. He wants to grip your wrists tightly in his hands and shove your legs apart with his knees. You are his to do with what he wants, but thatās only because he knows thatās what you like. It might not even be anything rough or physical that shows heās in charge. It could be a subtle look in your direction, or a small command of āCome hereā or āNoā to your request that has you weak in the knees and doing whatever he wants. You might have him wrapped around your finger in every other aspect of your relationship, but inside the bedroom he is the boss.
Submission: There is one tiny little caveat to that dominance thing. Once in a while, you get to be in charge. Yes, he likes to be the dominant one, but heās also up for being the sub every now and then. Maybe itās a spur of the moment thing that you hesitantly try, and for some reason, heās into it that day. Maybe heās really pissing you off and he needs to be reminded that you are not a doormat for his temper tantrums and misplaced rage. This is when things can really get fun. Now you get to order him around, and heās going to listen. Make him to eat you out until you tell him to stop. Tie him up with his own necktie and make him really work for it. Tease him until his cock is so hard and leaking that heās squirming and begging you to fuck him. Rub your wet pussy up and down his shaft, but donāt let him in, until heās whining like a little bitch and you laugh before finally giving in. Call him a good boy and slap his ass. He will do it all for you, because he loves you. And maybe because he secretly likes it, too. And when itās all over, he will pretend that it was a one-time deal and you are dreaming if you think thatās ever going to happen again. You know better, though.
Dirty talk: Oh boy, heās a talker. Not only does Five like the sound of his own voice, he wants to hear yours, too. He is going to lay out his entire dirty plan for you, in detail, out loud while he gets started. Then, heās going to share with you each of the thoughts running through his head during the act, as well. It all depends on his mood and whether heās being rough or soft, demanding or sweet. āFuck me harderā āYouāre so tight, you feel amazingā āGod damn it, I never want to stop fucking youā āYouāre so beautifulā āI love youā āYouāre all I needā Heās not shy about what he wants to hear from you, either. āTell me who you belong toā āWhose cock do you want inside of you?ā āTell me how I make you feelā He wants to hear all of it. There may be a few times where he orders you to stay quiet while he teases and fucks you hard, but that wonāt stop him from chattering away himself. Unless heās got some severe laryngitis going on, you are going to hear A LOT from Five Hargreeves during sex.
Rough Sex: Yes! He wants to fuck you into the mattress, or wall, or floor, or whatever surface he can find. But not in a violent or cruel way; he knows how you like it and heās going to deliver. Heās going to make getting your pussy pounded into oblivion feel amazing. Shoving his cock inside of you, your leg thrown over his shoulder, sweat forming on his body, hair flopping in his eyes, jaw set in concentration as he rams into you over and over until you are screaming. He loves you, heāll remind you, as he flips you over onto all fours and continues to fuck you so perfectly that you wonāt be able to think or walk straight for a week. Weāre talking hair-pulling, ass-slapping, sucking and biting until youāre bruised kind of rough.
Sweet/slow Sex: Also yes! Five likes it rough sometimes, but he also likes to take his time with you. He loves you, you are his entire world, and he just canāt believe you love him, too. So, he will cover your body with soft kisses, caressing every part of you while he tells you how gorgeous you are. He will worship your body, because to him you are the most perfect woman in the world. He will never love anyone else but you, and as he fucks you slow and rhythmically, with your legs and arms wrapped tightly around him, he will gaze lovingly into your eyes and tell you so.
Insecurities: We all know Five is the most confident man in the room. Heās arrogant and bossy, and isnāt afraid of anything or anyone. But, he has a lot of trauma, and with that comes shame, and regret, and feelings of inadequacy. Most people donāt know this about him. Most people except for you. With you, he letās his guard down. He is safe with you and he can finally be himself. When the nightmares come, or the panic attacks, or just the overwhelming thoughts of self-doubt that plague him, he turns to you for comfort. Sometimes that means just lying there with you in the dark, as he lays his head on your chest and you give him soft kisses and run your fingers through his hair. Other times, he may need more than that. Because he needs to feel you, all of you, to make sure you are real. His touches and kisses will lead to more, and it all has to do with love and not lust, and his vulnerability with you. You are his lifeline to the only real happiness he knows and heās terrified of it being ripped away from him again. He will bury his face in the crook of your neck while he thrusts slowly into you, kissing you softly and trying desperately not to shed the tears that are already making their way down his face. He wants to hear you say youāll never leave him because he doesnāt want to be alone. And when you reassure him over and over with more kisses and whispers of how much you love him, he will eventually relax once more.
Names: Five loves to give you pet names. Sometimes they give a sense of his dominance over you, or may even be sarcastic if heās being a jerk (sweetheart and honey can sound completely different depending on his tone). Other times they are just a form of his love for you and even if they are old fashioned (darling, my love, etc), you love hearing them from him. He likes to have a special name for you that no one else calls you, too. And he generally saves a couple just for sexy times (āgo on baby, come for meā) that he knows drives you crazy. You can have pet names for him, too, and you love knowing you are the only one that can get away with that.
His own name: Along the same lines, Five wants to hear you say his name. When youāre whispering it quietly as heās trailing kisses down your neck. As youāre whining and begging pitifully when he teases you and holds out on you instead of just fucking you like you want. And especially when you are screaming his name so loud the neighbors down the street can hear. It totally plays into his ego to have you moaning his name while heās making you lose your mind with his cock or his fingers. Once you start sobbing and crying out his name in pure ecstasy, heās probably not going to be able to last much longer because that is music to his ears. But if you really want to kick it up a notch and pretty much guarantee heās going to be violently coming inside of you in a matter of seconds, use his full name. Throwing in a āNumber Fiveā is like an automatic switch for him and its game over.
Loud sex: Continuing onā¦he wants you loud. This goes along with the dirty talk and moaning his name. He wants to hear you. He wants the neighbors to hear you. He wants the whole god damn city to hear you. And he wants everyone to know just who is fucking you. Maybe it will make run-ins with neighbors at the mailbox a little awkward in the morning, but Five doesnāt really give a shit. He wants his girl screaming so loud for him that itās a wonder the cops donāt get called. And heāll wear that badge of honor proudly, just adding to the other list of things he knows heās the fucking king of.
Kissing: Five loves kissing you. He canāt get enough of it. Yes, he loves fucking and everything else sex-related, but kissing is always incorporated, even with the roughest of sex. Remember, this man is touch starved, but he also doesnāt like most people touching him. You are the exception. The fact that he has found someone to love and that loves him in return is nothing short of a miracle for him. So, kissing you and being kissed by you, is heaven. You can feel all of his love and desire for you in those kisses, whether they are soft and gentle, or hungry and desperate. He kisses you in the morning and when you leave for the day. He kisses you when you come home and before you go to sleep. Sometimes when youāre just standing there, washing dishes, or sitting reading a book, you will look so cute to him that he canāt help himself and heāll tilt your face up towards him with a hand on your chin and kiss you until you want to melt into a puddle at his feet. He will also ask you to kiss him, stopping you as you walk by him by taking your hand and pulling you in close, an arm around your waist. āKiss me. Please,ā heāll say quietly with the most innocent looking face and your heart will break for him. Itās the please that gets you. But he really doesnāt need to ask, because you will never not want to give him as many kisses as he needs. Ā Ā
Masturbation: If anyone is an expert in jerking off, itās Five Hargreeves. How could he not be? It was him and his hand/Dolores for 45 years, and a guy has needs. Would he prefer your mouth or your pussy to stick his dick in? Absolutely. But sometimes youāre not available, or the timing isnāt right, or youāre not in the mood. In which case, Five knows exactly how to efficiently and quickly rub one out and then go about his day. He loves to watch you finger yourself, though. Especially when he makes you tell him who you are thinking of while youāre doing it (always him). He also has no shame in masturbating in front of you while you are taking care of yourself. Sitting there, nonchalantly and slowly stroking his hard cock while he watches you play with yourself, maybe giving you directions while you do it. Itās just one of the ways he reminds you whoās in charge.
Praise: Yes, he will praise you for being a good girl. This kind of goes hand in hand with the Daddy kink. āBe a good girl for Daddy,ā heāll tell you while slowly running the back of his hand down your cheek. If you follow his directions, he will give you all the praise you deserve. āSuch a good girl, taking it so well for meā āThatās my good girlā āThatās right baby, youāre perfectā āYouāre doing so good, just a little longer sweetheartā He might be demanding you suck his cock or flinging you around like a ragdoll on the bed and fucking you senseless, but he will always tell you how good you are being for him. Like the perfect gentleman he is.
Appearance: This includes body type, clothing, lingerie, hair, and make-up. Five does not have a specific body type per se. If he finds you attractive, he finds you attractive, end of story. He may have a slight preference towards nice boobs and a tight ass, but thatās just on a superficial basis. Chubby tummy? Thick thighs? Flat chest? Bony elbows and knees? He does not care. If he loves you, then youāre the most beautiful woman in the world and he wouldnāt want you any other way. He does love a tight skirt and high heels, though. Watching your ass bounce along while you sashay your hips in front of him will have him wishing he could blink you away somewhere private, flip that skirt up, and take care of business. And if you whisper in passing that youāre not wearing any underwear, he just might. Five loves you fully naked, sprawled out just for him. But his brain misfires a few times when he sees you in sexy lingerie. A lace bra, tight corset, thong panties, or even just a skimpy little tank top has him drooling and stumbling all over himself in an effort to get his dick under control. Wearing a sexy outfit like this is a good way to make him the submissive one, because he will do anything for you at this point. Itās actually pretty hilarious to see him at a loss for words for once, jaw on the floor, and licking his lips at just the sight of you. A flustered Five is the best. He doesnāt have much preference for hair style, as long as thereās enough to grab in his fist when youāre blowing him. Same goes for make-up. The only exception to that is lipstick. Five loves when you wear red lipstick for him. He likes to see the trail it makes over his body as your lips kiss and suck him all over. He loves to see it smudged all over your mouth, on his face, and on his cock. Itās just one of those things that reminds him that you are all his.
Possessiveness: Which brings us to this. Five can be a little possessive. Not in a āyouāre not going anywhere without me" kind of way. Heās not at all like that. But he does like to remind you now and then who exactly you belong to. That body is only for him to touch, and kiss, and fuck. He doesnāt get jealous, because thereās nothing to be jealous over. He trusts you and you trust him. You are independent and have your own life outside of him, and thatās just one of the reasons he loves you. But he does get territorial, and thereās a difference. If another man puts a hand on you and you donāt like it, or someone propositions you in some way, well then they are in for a real big fucking awakening. Five may try to keep his assassin instincts to himself most of the time, but if he sees some random guy disrespecting you, things are going to get ugly. He may not even need to use any actual physical force or violence. Just the threat of it is usually enough. But if that doesnāt work, and the stupid moron isnāt backing down, well, thatās their own fault. There will be a fake, saccharine smile, and a derisive chuckle as the last warning. Then the poor bastard will find himself either punched in the mouth or facedown in the dirt with a foot on his back while being forced to give a teary apology for his treatment of you. If he were ever faced with the need, Five would kill for you. No questions asked. Youāre in real danger? He wonāt think twice about putting a bullet into some dudeās skull. Luckily, a few clever insults, some well-timed blinks, and a swift kick to the jaw are all he really needs to get his point across. Then afterwards, heāll take you home and fuck your brains out, because you are his and he is yours, and you wouldnāt want it any other way. Ā
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