#and it's supposedly good for your mental health and while I don't really need that I think it could do some good for me so!!!!

[starpros-sunshine]

!!!! Only 40€ missing then I can maybe afford the 50 year old instrument that hopefully is still in a well playable condition that I previously didn't have enough money to afford!!!!!!

[headspace-hotel]

College is good for several things. In the USA, it's good for learning facts about history and the rest of the world that high school either didn't tell you or flat-out lied about. Without college, most people would never encounter the academic resources necessary to unlearn lies and biases instilled by the overwhelmingly USA-centric, whitewashed viewpoint taught in most school systems, or the vocabulary needed to ask after those resources.

If (and only if) you are already extroverted and gregarious, college is good for making friends. It's probably good for some other things too.

But college is not very good for many of the things it supposedly does for people. College appears to be good for personal growth, but any environment with unfamiliar people, new experiences, and a large library would do. In fact, the academic rigors of college are probably mostly incidental to personal growth that occurs there. You learn about yourself in college in spite of, not because of, the rigid and demanding academic expectations, which serve to cement you further in what you think you already know about yourself because that is safer than discovering you might be something totally different.

It also doesn't prepare you very well for any other environment, because it is so different from any other environment you might encounter. At least in the USA, there are hardly any communities that are similar to college. College has an environment of communal living among mostly same-aged people, numerous public spaces, an endless hemorrhage of community-run events, and constant mother-henning by the institution as they encourage you to take advantage of all the services they fail to do a good job at providing. Authority figures are clearly delineated from peers and you have a clear hierarchical relationship with people that are not also students. It is an opportunity to practice adulthood, but one that supports you in the wrong ways and fails to support you in the right ones, both stifling and neglectful.

Colleges are brutally insistent on this peculiar style of community structure that you probably won't ever encounter again in your life, all the while being incredibly unforgiving if you fail to adapt to it. There are lots of rules, some of which are plain-attired descriptions of consequences as real as a granite wall, most of which reflect nothing except the fact that someone in authority would like to prevent a specific type of bad-faith exploitation of a more forgiving policy. The pure-hearted student is supposed to be able to ignore these rules and be judged according to the unspoken, more forgiving policy that is invoked when an authority likes your vibes.

This means part of surviving college is cultivating the right vibes, and part of cultivating the right vibes is being abled and not experiencing any extenuating circumstances ever. If you are having a mental health crisis that is stopping you from succeeding, the truth is as good as a lie; of course everyone struggles with mental health in college in these specific pre-cut ways, have you tried breathing exercises? If you are stressed and terrified all the time and whenever you sit still it feels like the universe is screaming through you, you will be abandoned because crisis is rare and interrupts otherwise normal life, and everyone claims to be having a crisis right now. "This system works!" and if we just repeat it hard enough the system will start to work.

If the truth is as good as a lie, then a lie is as good as the truth, and the ability to receive help when you need it is determined not by actually needing help but by being a better liar.

What if people lie to get accommodations they don't really need? I don't know the answer to this, because I find a different question more compelling: What if people lie to get accommodations they do really need?

Institutions are terrified of the possibility of a person that pretends to be disabled, and often they impress that terror into disabled people, who become terrified that THEY are pretending to be disabled, when probably almost all disabled people must pretend to be disabled because the raw Reality of what they experience as a person would be a brain-melting arcane and eldritch encounter for an Institution. Institutions don't see us. They see broad human tropes, masks worn by any number of actors. Some people are diligent students and some are lazy; some hone their potential and talent and others refuse, for whatever reason, to unlock it. This belief is so fundamental to our entire philosophy of shaping and educating students that if it directly encountered the Truth (whatever that may be), the truth would not survive.

If you want to be a good student (and I wanted to be and I was) the mask will become welded to your face and you will forget it's a mask partly because you will like how much better you were treated with the mask on. I sit in a therapy session, thinking, "Why am I framing my pain in a way that makes it seem less complicated and more solvable but doesn't cut to the truth of the matter? Which one of us benefits from that?"

The world is slowly, woundedly crawling into being a performance where everyone competes to pretend that they aren't dying. I have a version of me that struggles with school because I am autistic, but secretly I suspect successful, well-adjusted college students that manage their mental health and friendships and work do not exist in the way we think they must. After all, what of the numerous college students that cheat, that plagiarize, that make ChatGPT write their essays? My professors can all give examples of students that did, and their poor and shoddy attempts, but all this suggests is that the clever and cunning ones seldom get caught. In dealing with institutions, anything an honest person can do through their honesty, a good enough liar can do better with their lies.

[yuri-is-online]

omg... we talk about yuu here?? we love yuu here???

I could talk about yuu forever, they're infinitely more interesting than any of the boys to me (not sorry). I know for a lot of people yuu is just kind of their pawn for this epic fantasy world and they don't even think about the ramifications, but me personally I would descend into insanity if I got isekai'd into magical teenage boy hell. deep down I know this freak is traumatized to the nines and likely severely depressed.

one of the most important things about yuu's character is that they feel helpless. they can't perform magic in a world that's almost completely reliant on it, for one. as you've pointed out, they have no true autonomy. they have no government documentation, no family, nowhere to go, hell, they're not even a full student. they have no real hope of going home, and most of the nrc boys don't even seem to particularly care about that (if anything, I assume a lot of them would selfishly want yuu to stay, regardless of yuu's own wishes). the rules of this world are still unclear to them, and people don't really seem to acknowledge that.

can you imagine how lonely that existence would be? sure, people like yuu. they have friends. but as you've pointed out, no one (with the exception of adeuce, maybe) really seems to care about how things effect them specifically. yuu is manipulated, exploited, physically hurt and almost killed like, a bunch of times, bullied, harassed, and on top of everything, completely helpless to it. despite having friends who supposedly care about them, no one really seems to think about yuu's feelings on magic and the multiple life-threatening incidents they've experienced in their short time at nrc. as someone who has ptsd, I can't imagine that yuu would walk out of all that completely mentally unscathed.

as you've pointed out before, yuu is treated like any other student. their experiences and circumstances are never really taken into consideration, and they're expected to just... go along with things like everyone else. sure, equality is nice, but that doesn't really help yuu's case. yes, realistically, yuu is not totally helpless but good lord someone needs to help them out. someone needs to empathize with them, and defend them, and at least try a little to help them navigate this terrifying reality they've been expected to... just adjust to with no help. with their lack of autonomy, they're pretty much at the complete mercy of the people around them. yuu is lonely and I stand by that.

and on top of all of this, they have a massive amount of responsibility dumped on them constantly. yuu is a sort of mediator. they solve problems, usually ones that other people create, and never really by their own will. they arguably live in pretty shitty conditions and have no way of making money. they have to not only babysit grim (bless him tho), but also literally everyone else, while also trying to keep their own shit together. I mean, they're still technically a student. and a mini-housewarden. and crowley's errand runner. and they just got here a few months ago. psh.

yuu feels helpless, but they aren't treated as such, and so no one really extends a helping hand without ulterior motives. as much as ace and deuce want to help, they're also teenage boys and have their own tiny worlds to attend to. while people can be nice, no one seems to really want to understand, or care, about yuu's mental health.

anyway. I love the boys but in my heart I know that my yuu wouldn't be able to handle all that. me irl already deals with feelings of loneliness and crushing responsibility and misunderstanding and helplessness. twst is not a choose your own adventure type game and the tiny choices yuu gets to make don't really affect the story (which is oddly symbolic).

but like, listen. if I was zapped to another universe where I'm completely alone at a school full of teenage boys, most of which who couldn't care less if I lived or died, and one day I was sent on a trip to a city that painfully reminded me of home and some catholic-coded freak started being really considerate and empathetic to me for no other reason besides just liking me and genuinely being appalled at my circumstances, I would help him destroy magic. idc. I wouldn't even think twice about it. I stand by the idea that rollo feels some kind of affection for yuu. this would affect all of the diasomnia book because I would literally not want to leave and they'd have to drag me out of fleur city screaming and crying and clawing at the floor. poor malleus would be crushed.

anyway. haven't caught up to diasomnia yet so I may be way off. feel free to answer this or not! sorry for my weird english byebye!! love your posts

Yes we talk about Yuu here! They're the goat and I am so sorry I took forever to respond to your ask! Your English is wonderful you just had so much to say I had to really think on it σ(￣、￣=)

>deep down I know this freak is traumatized to the nines and likely severely depressed.

I think this is a very reasonable assumption to make about Yuu. While how well they take being isekaid to "magical teenage boy hell" (that's such a funny way to put it) is something up to each player's interpretation I like to write Yuu as being prone to bouts of longing for their own world, if for nothing else than wanting to feel something familiar to them. Which you point out in the rest of your ask!

I think one of the reasons people loved Rollo so much is that he was finally someone who acknowledged all those little things about Yuu's situation that we wanted to see talked about. He is someone we can realistically sympathizing with Yuu's situation and would treat them with a degree of care the other boys might not notice they needed. I have... played around with some AU stuff for him in my spare time and the conclusion I have come to is that I think he would try to avoid asking for Yuu to help him in his plan to destroy magic. He wouldn't want them to be implicated, and his plan is a sort of personal penance for his inability to save his brother. The idea that someone would want to help him, let alone someone as perfect as Yuu, isn't really something that would cross his mind. Besides, I don't think he would trust Yuu to help him immediately, he doesn't know them all that well at the start of GloMas.

Mental health tends not to be something focused on in isekai stories. I do think that our limited choices (i agree it is fittingly symbolic) have shown a Yuu who is slowly starting to feel the lack of control they have over their situation and are starting to feel stress over it. Ace says that he wants Yuu to be able to go home, as does Deuce, but I do think they both would be equally as happy if Yuu got to stay. They enjoy their friendship and love them a lot, if the story happened in more of a vacuum I could see both Ace and Deuce picking up on Yuu needing the extra support, but with how many things have happened over our school year they haven't had much time to sit and think to themselves about... much of anything really. But that doesn't exclude Yuu from feelings of loneliness or isolation; some of the most painful types of both is when you are surrounded to people and yet still feel unable to scream.

As for Malleus... well these aren't Diasomnia spoilers but if I understand his platinum jacket card correctly he can't stand seeing other people be happy when he isn't so. If Yuu were genuinely happy in Fleur City and he was left alone... oh he'd be so unhappy about that he would be beyond crushed.

[jmdbjk]

He wears his heart on his sleeve

...maybe he should just get it tattooed there too.

Jungkookie was very quiet and reflective during his most recent Weverse live, at least at first.

Perhaps he was manifesting his Jimin to appear in the comments because he stared at them for a while... a long while.

Earlier in the evening, with Tae, he attended the movie premiere of Dream, a soccer movie with a ragtag team storyline. A team of misfits who come together and persevere. It stars Tae's friend, Park Seojoon, Wooga squad and fellow cast member on Jinny's Kitchen.

He looked happy to be there but self-conscious at the same time. Unused to the crowds and spotlight after being out of it for a while. He didn't have anyone to hide behind. It looks like maybe he said "oh my god" when he stepped up in front of the bank of cameras (haha).

After having a supposedly fun outing, Kookie came to visit us on Weverse live and seemed to have a lot on his mind. He said he missed us and wished us good health both physically and mentally. I imagine Hobi leaving for service and Moonbin's tragedy last week are fresh cuts to our Kookie's heart. It breaks MY heart that Kookie has to experience those things. I don't know how close Kookie was to Moonbin. But I do know losing someone so suddenly can make you so scary aware of your own mortality and makes you realize instantly what should truly be important and what is irrelevant.

I am thinking his evening out had him keyed up and he came to visit with us in order to decompress and relax. He said the only ones who could create a calming environment for him right now was Army. However, the (I'm sure inane) comments he was seeing were not doing the trick. He seemed a little perturbed at them so he turned them off.

But he said sitting there knowing we were on the other side was calming and enough for him at that moment. He felt at peace knowing we are all connected. And then he let out a big sigh. Sort of a "I'm doing the best I can" sigh. Oh Kookie, I feel you.

Incidentally, the song he said he was obsessed with that evening and that he had playing in the background on repeat was I Really Want to Stay At Your House by Rosa Walton & Hallie Coggins ... some of the lyrics:

Another evening I'll be sitting reading in between your lines Because I miss you all the time...

...I'm on top of you, I don't wanna go 'Cause I really wanna stay at your house

He said he's working hard on new music but its difficult. If he says its not easy, then the final result will probably be OUTSTANDING because he struggled to make HIS version of perfect. Masterpieces are sometimes not easy to create.

He was steadily sinking, sitting in the dark, sipping his highball through a straw but after 35 minutes of solemnity and saying he needed to go to sleep, he all of a sudden came alive when he began talking about food... go figure.

He waffled back and forth about whether he should just get off his butt and make the noodles or go to sleep, but then he really got into it and explained in great detail this recipe, down to the proper color of the perilla oil to use. Though he didn't have the correct perilla oil in his pantry, he made the sauce and boiled the noodles.

The whole idea of him puttering around his kitchen trying out new ways to make noodle or rice dishes is very endearing. He does have somewhat of a head start in advanced levels of cooking though because of the times they filmed Run BTS episodes with Chef Paik. He learned important cooking procedures like "reduce" the liquid in the pan and desirable "viscosity" of the sauce.

When he's into it, HE. IS. INTO. IT. He adjusted his recipe, repeated the ratios of ingredients, explained in great detail every step.

Please. Someone just hug him. JIMIN COME GET YOUR MAN.

[vro0m]

I’m prefacing my ask by saying that I started following f1 in 2018 so this is mostly second-hand info but, I’ve always thought that one of the reasons why Lewis lost in 2016 (mechanical failures aside) was that after he won in 2015 he kind of checked out and didn’t keep the focus until the end of the season, starting 2016 kind of slow and that’s what gave Nico the momentum to go on and win that year. While i agree that having interests outside of your main job is good for mental health and longevity, I think until 2016 they *were* kind of a distraction for Lewis, weren’t they? Again this is only my perception not having lived that season myself so I might be totally off. But especially this past year with Ver winning so many races in a row I’ve seen a lot of talk about how Lewis’ record is “only” of 5 wins in a row and the reason why it might be because he doesn’t always keep 100% focus throughout the season. What do you think?

Hi. No.

Momentum is not a thing in itself it just a parameter that can affect confidence. You can have all the confidence you need if your car doesn't work you're not gonna win, and vice versa. You say "mechanical failures aside" but the mechanical failures were precisely the issue. Without the mechanical failures he almost certainly would have won the championship. You can't really put them aside if you're trying to get an understanding of the season. He didn't lose because he was doing other things, he lost because his engine was giving up on him every few races. It doesn't take anything away from Nico's win but it is an inevitable factor.

Max winning that many races in one season compared to Lewis (let me say btw : not a very relevant comparison) means two things : 1) the car is extremely dominant = the other teams can't compete 2) his teammate is struggling = he can't compete. In short : he has little competition. Lewis had more competition most seasons. That's all.

Now let's ask the opposite question : what is it that these drivers that (supposedly) don't have as many interests as Lewis outside F1 do instead that (supposedly) gives them an edge on him? He finished 3rd last year doing other things!!! He has won 7 titles doing other things!!! If it truly gives the others an advantage to not have other ventures, clearly it's not enough of an advantage, is it?

Nico stopped cycling in 2016 so his legs would be slightly less muscular. He had a black helmet to get rid of 80 grams of paint. He saved 10 more grams by having socks to the ankle rather than to the knee. And he won because Lewis's engine kept failing. While Lewis enjoyed his other hobbies.

[luaspersona]

hey y’all, how have you been?

i know it’s been a while, and i know i promised a fic that was supposed to be posted earlier this month and that it’s been some time since i dropped a review. but a lot of stuff happened and i realized that i needed some time off. during that time, i reflected a lot and considered not returning, maybe only posting the seoul town road story and going offline for good. eventually tho, i understood how much i missed reading and how much i couldn’t really stop coming up with ideas and outlining some stories — i like this and for the most part, it makes me really happy.

but i wanted to talk a bit about the stuff that made me second-thought coming back. i wanted to be open about stuff that’s depressing and demotivating in this community, especially because i’ll change a lot of things about how i interact here.

this will be a long text, but it’s really important if you follow me. i wanna make it clear tho, before anything, that i’m speaking for myself here, and myself only.

⇢ the first thing i wanna say is that i’ll be generally less active. i used to think that in order to become a popular blog or whatever i had to be chronically online, posting all the time and all. after giving it some thought, i can't really tell if that's true or not, but the thing is: i don’t have the mental health for it. so i won't push myself. but also, if you write something and want me to read it, please send it to me! shamelessly and guiltlessly promote your work! i probably won’t see it on the feed, but i’m always open for recommendations, i just don't have the time to look for it anymore.

⇢ i’ll also go through my followers and block anyone who doesn’t have their age displayed or looks like a bot. no questions asked. this isn’t a blog for minors, and i wanna protect myself. understand how tumblr works if y’all wanna be here.

⇢ i will finish and post seoul town road soon. please be patient. 

⇢ lately, i’ve seen a lot of wonderful writers deactivate due to lack of interaction and support. i understand we’re here working, writing and sharing for free because we *chose to*, but it's hard to speak to the void. so please, don’t let this become a place where authors are talking to themselves while feeling unsafe due to plagiarism or hate. i understand the reasons why someone might be a silent reader, but... just don't make the authors you like feel alone, y'all (i can write some tips and general guides for reviewing and interacting with writing blogs if y’all are interested).

⇢ ok, so… i thought a lot about whether or not to talk about it. it was already super messy, even if i wasn’t online at the time and didn’t see it happening (i'm sorry if this is just repetition, and i bet y'all are sick of it). but ultimately, the main reason why i hesitated to come back was because of what happened to M, so i kinda need to vent about that.

M was one of the oldest blogs here, always open to chat and interact and doing god's work for our horny and sentimental souls (shape of your body is actually one of my favorite stories ever and made me realize a bunch of stuff about myself to the point where i quoted some of it to my therapist at the time), and y’all came for them in such a nasty, violent way, misgendering and attacking a person that, upon first being called out for writing something insensitive, was immediately open to discussion and hearing what y’all had to say (regardless if it really was insensitive or not, the discussion was more than welcomed by them).

what shocks me the most, is that y’all are supposedly from a fandom of a bunch of dudes who once wrote problematic stuff, but educated themselves after accepting criticism and changed. if y’all understand that our oppressions are systematic, y’all have to understand that everyone has stuff to learn and stuff to let go. i say that as a black woman, who once used to perpetrate racist shit because that was how i was raised and taught. i say that as a bi woman, who once used to perpetrate biphobic and queerphobic rhetoric because that was how i was raised and taught. i say that as a human being, who once used (and probably still do to some capacity) to perpetrate prejudice and problematic behavior because that was how i was raised and taught.

this is not to say we should forgive and forget whenever someone says stuff that’s wrong or suspicious, but sometimes people really don’t understand that what they’ve said is offensive or from a place of unfamiliarity (not sure if that's a real word), and if we gave the boys the benefit of the doubt and still supported them (and are now being rewarded with their care and attention) why can’t we do the same for ourselves? not to mention how transphobic most of y’all were, all while calling someone out for doing something you deemed problematic, like ??? fuck y’all tbh. seeing how they were treated, and learning about the tea blog made me physically sick. someone who has always been such a light in this community being dragged from one (debatable) mistake — which they acknowledged and apologized for — made me depressed af.

it all made this look like stan twitter, where every interaction feels like an attempt to expose someone and draw hate towards them. this makes me feel unsafe as hell. and i don’t know… this whole environment is not as it used to be. there were a bunch of nice projects i wanted to share, i was working on jade’s profile for a nice little thing i wanted to do to support the writing community, i was working on monthly recs, but… idk. i’m not saying i won’t do them, just saying it might take longer for me to feel comfortable here again.

⇢ i know i'm no one. i'm a little blog from the corner of our community, and i barely have enough followers for all of this to mean anything. but this is still my blog, and it's still a place that was supposed to feel good. and i want to have some control over it, even if no one cares necessarily.

anyway. i’m depressed, and i’m saying stuff i might regret, but. yeah. that’s it ig. i'll return slowly and i missed y'all, especially on discord, and i'm sorry for vanishing. i'll also be rb this for the next days to make sure that i reaches everyone i want it to reach.

[celestiall0tus]

Hello. In all honesty I am mildly concerned about the Syren's Song changes, namely for the racial aspect, how almost every white character is a hero and almost every character of colour is a villain. I kind of had lately similar feelings regarding Bloody Bug, but didn't voice it because it was the only case in your works, and now, sorry but it is starting to be a tendency.

What I mean with Bloody Bug is that characters of colour are either being depicted as savage and dangerous (Alix herself, Marinette, Kagami) or removed from picture with an effort (Nino who was turned into a coward who fled the team, Kim and Max who are barely present), while white characters are either without real flaws (Adrien, Sabrina, Luka, Juleka, Rose, Ivan, Mylene) or redeem far faster than characters of colour (Chloe, Felix, even Lila who now is said to be better than Marinette despite they did the same thing, as well as Alya at some point being presented as worse than Chloe when her only fault was a petty misunderstanding). The way Alix needs specially white and only white friends to "civilize" her "monstrous, uncontrolled" Arabic self (while her best friends in canon were supposedly Kim and Max and probably Nathaniel) does have bad implications.

As someone who liked a lot your works before, I want to believe in your good intentions, and for this reason am informing you on how it looks from a side. Please try not to repeat the same mistake with another project.

Please don't take it as a personal offense.

There is so much to unpack, but let's get into it.

I'm prefacing this now. Call me ignorant all day everyday for it, but when I write, I don't always see color. I write first for the characters and how their stories should be.

The changes to Siren's Song come from the underlying message I mentioned in a previous ask being how fast to be change, how much do we change, and what do we keep. The villains are people that are in favor of a new age of technology and ideas. The heroes are a mix of people that are in favor of it, but want to keep aspects of the past as Grandeur would seek to completely erase the past as she sees humanity's greatest frailty that we'd rather hold onto past happiness than face future uncertainty.

Bloody Bug now is where I take personal offense admittedly. I'm writing teenagers. 13-15 year olds. These are the worst of the worst, a mix of hormones, wild emotions, and thinking they know everything, but they don't. If they are adults, I'd accept those views, but you are severely undermining a lot of Bloody Bug itself. Especially with the mental health problems these characters suffer from.

Alix suffers from abandonment issues that manifested as rage because that was how her mother handled her own problems. Alix guarded herself in a similar manner to keep herself safe. If not for her father and even Tikki, she wouldn't have opened up. She wouldn't have the base of her support system. There's also the fact that her only real friend that helped to quell that anger until her breaking point was Adrien. She had friends, but they weren't Adrien. Her arc was learning to move on. It was only once she had her death experience that she fully changed. You really are giving a little too much credit to her group of friends for quelling the anger she harboured.

Marinette suffers from OLD, obsessive love disorder, spurred on by a celebrity crush. And this disorder is fueled by the antagonist, Mayura, who is a manipulative bitch. Marinette is a victim twice over and it won't be until after the season 3 finale and beginning of season 4 that Marinette would finally be able to start healing.

Kagami is brainwashed and conditioned to do as she's told, following the "we follow orders because we choose to" crap from canon. She is seen as extreme because her mother instilled it into her that she must do whatever it takes to get what is hers. This comes into conflict when she starts to fall for Felix, causing a mess of problems for Kagami as she's fighting against what she wants vs what her mother expects.

Nino I can see why people would paint him as a coward, but when you consider going from Hawkmoth's stupid little villains to literal evil incarnate is enough to make any sane person shit their pants. Especially when faced first with a nightmare ghoul and a damn near literal wendigo (those fuckers are terrifying). There is honest real strength in admitting when you aren't strong enough to face down something. And that is something we should normalize more, even if it will paint us a coward.

Kim and Max have had little need to be in the story outside of the canon plotline of Kim trying to get with Chloe. Ivan may be in the story a touch more, but more as he is just there.

Luka I'm insulted by. This boy is flawed. He suffers from some forms of social anxiety and has a similar story as Hana-chan from Fruits Basket with similar ESP powers. Where Hana could hear thoughts (I think), Luka can hear music, causing a lot of sensory issues for him as well. It's caused him to be withdrawn, passive, and dreading social interaction. The only way he's really able to step out of his shell is when he's with Juleka, someone who is his rock.

Chloe is redeemed "faster" because she gains a support system and the wonders that a support system can do for a person is astounding. I wouldn't be here as myself if I didn't have my support system when I was younger. It makes all the difference in the world.

LIlia is still a liar and still lying through her teeth. Yes, she's moved on from Adrien, but that by no means makes her better than Marinette. The fact that Nathalie recommended her is the first hint.

Felix isn't like canon. There's not much there to redeem. He's a lot like Alix. A kid that is suffering from anger issues over a dead parental figure. Again, it was that support system of Alix and mostly Adrien that helped him.

Alya was worse because it was through Alix's eyes. That's the thing with close 3rd person. You may see everything going on and not directly in the person's eyes like 1st person, but you don't know everything. Because this is from Alix and Adrien's close perspective, there will be a lot of things you guys don't know until Alix and Adrien know it.

I know you say no offense, but I will be honest. I take personal offense that the mental health issues these characters suffer from are being written off as they are. I understand that everyone interrupts art differently, but this still bothers me.

[herofics]

Heyy, I'M OBSESSED with your Dabi x teen reader fics. So I was wondering if u could do Dabi x teen reader that has heavy trauma from her mother? (Like she was emotionally abusive towards her) So now she has really low self esteem and even though she doesn't mention it to Dabi he kind of notices... Like what would he do in his own hands off way?

Tyy (P.S: If ur uncomfortrable w this request please don't be forced to write it!!)

Thank you, I’m glad you like my writing! So I’m assuming you mean this post and this post? I wrote more in the same theme, focusing more on the abusive/neglectful mom angle and how relatable that would be for Dabi. One of the previous ones is already about Dabi as a big brother of sorts, so this is not as much about that. This would be set before the roommate post that’s linked above, if there has to be a timeline

•You never really had a good relationship with your mother

•No matter what you did, you were never good enough, nothing you ever did was enough for her, no matter how hard you tried

•This of course didn’t do any favors for your mental health and the trauma just kept accumulating

•You’ve spent most of your time with the League for a while now and you avoided going home at all cost

•You’re not the most open type, but what little you did say about your mother, painted a very negative picture

•Dabi isn’t really the type to open up either, but he does like to complain, a lot

•He hasn’t exactly opened up about his past, but you do know he didn’t have a good relationship with either of his parents, especially his father

•As your self-esteem deteriorated, you started acting more carelessly and by the time you met the League you were in a pretty bad way

•Dabi ended up taking note of this, and while he didn’t really give you more confidence or anything, he complained at you and scolded you when you did stupid shit like got too careless around cops or something

•It’s his way of showing he cares

•Dabi does care quite a lot about the League and its members, some more so than others and he does consider you a friend and someone he wants to protect

•He knows what it’s like to have a shitty parent and while he doesn’t like playing therapist or anything, he will lend an ear if you’re having a particularly hard time, but that’s a pretty rare occasion

•He’ll listen, but the only advice you’ll really get from him is “Why don’t you just kill her, or ruin her financially or somethin? Your mom’s a piece of shit”

•He doesn’t really care if you think he’s too harsh, because he feels like you need to hear that your mother is actually a piece of shit and that she’s not allowed to treat you like that, just because she’s your mother

•Opposed to what a lot of other people are telling you which is “She’s your family, you need to get along” or some other crap like that

•Dabi doesn’t really believe blood means much when it comes to family, you don’t need to be related to be family

•Besides, his experience with family and parents is that they eventually let you down and that he too was better off finding his own people

•He doesn’t think everyone’s family is total shit, but he’s convinced a lot of them are, because that seems to be the experience of everyone around him

•You appreciate his honesty and hearing that you don’t deserve to be treated like shit just because it’s coming from someone who supposedly loves you, is kind of freeing

•Even if it comes with offers to burn your mother, her house or both

[tenebraevesper]

Five Nights at Freddy's: Obsolete, Night 7: Under Construction

''Well, the Toys were getting sleeker, but the style was retrograde. Center-staging masquerading sharks around the cage. With the winding of the toy box and the shadow of the past, baby, I am taking off this mask (taking off this mask)! Well, I have a theory; Yeah, I heard a rumor – There was a murmur of purple and murder. One by one he sealed their dooms and turned these toons into their tombs.''

 – Built In The 80s by Griffinilla and Toastwaffle ft. Caleb Hyles (Five Nights at Freddy's)

xXxXxXx

''Someone looks happy,'' Emma commented as she saw her daughter walking into the kitchen. While Sam appeared to be still half-asleep, mostly due to being a night owl rather than an early bird, she looked quite content.

''I guess I was able to sleep well last night,'' Sam shrugged as she grabbed a bowl, milk and cereal. ''I still want to sleep though, but it's a school day.''

''Maybe you should go straight to bed after work instead of playing video games,'' Emma suggested, giving her a pointed look. When it came to playing video games whenever she had school, their agreed that, as long as it didn't affect Sam's grades or health, it was fine.

''Maybe I will,'' Sam replied absent-mindedly, yawning. Emma rose an eyebrow, giving her a curious look as she took a sip of coffee.

''How do you feel?'' she asked. ''I meant in general,'' she added when she saw the look Sam gave her.

''I'm fine, I guess,'' Sam replied. ''I've just been a bit too occupied with the video game Dad had sent me.''

''Oh, really?'' Emma tilted her head. ''I thought you didn't want to play it.''

''I changed my mind,'' Sam replied, shrugging.

''I see,'' Emma muttered, furrowing a brow. ''I also noticed that you hadn't been sleepwalking at all for the past few days.''

''Well, that's good news, isn't it?'' Sam replied sheepishly, unsure what Emma wanted to tell her.

''I think that something changed and I'm curious about what it is,'' Emma explained. ''If it's something I can help with, I'd be glad to do anything that would improve your mental health.''

''I think I've begun improving because I've been playing Five Nights at Freddy's VR,'' Sam admitted, albeit sounding rather uncertain. Emma gave her a surprised look, but then shrugged. ''I've also figured that I should just focus on healing mentally, and that also includes dealing with Freddy's.''

''Honestly, I'm just happy that you're focusing on yourself and trying to do what is best for you,'' Emma told her. ''As long as it works, you should do whatever is necessary.'' Sam smiled, with Emma feeling happy to see her smile. ''Also, speaking of Freddy's, I have seen something rather peculiar during my last trip.''

''What?'' Sam's voice dropped, giving her mother a serious look.

''Fazbear Entertainment is working on a mall-like building outside Hurricane and it looks like it's half-way finished. According to the sign I saw, it's called Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizzaplex,'' Emma told her. Sam looked baffled.

''You can't be serious,'' she said in a deadpan tone.

''Trust me, it is real,'' Emma told her. ''Didn't your manager inform you?''

''No…'' Sam trailed off, trying to remember, but her mind was blank. ''At least, I don't have any memory of being told about it. Where exactly is it?''

''Remember how you told me about this factory you supposedly burnt to the ground…''

''The Machinations Factory?'' Sam interrupted, with Emma nodding. ''But, that's the property of the Wolfrun Corporation.''

''Didn't you tell me that it was abandoned or something like that?'' Emma asked. ''Besides, it is possible that Fazbear Entertainment bought it from them.''

Sam snorted as she got up, having finished eating breakfast. ''I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. Also, it would be a giant middle finger to their rival company.'' She then put the bowl into the dishwasher and grabbed her backpack, then glanced at the clock, slightly panicking. ''Shoot, I need to go!''

''Have a great day, sweetheart!'' Emma yelled after her, calmly sipping her coffee and glanced at her smartphone. She didn't hear Sam reply, but she did hear the front door slam shut and, a second later, open again. A moment later, Sam barged back into the kitchen with a sheepish look on her expression.

''May I borrow the car of the evening?''

''Sure thing,'' Emma replied nonchalantly.

''Thanks!'' Sam yelled, then ran out of the house.

Emma smirked, shaking her head lightly. As much as she wasn't comfortable with Sam being back into dealing with whatever is currently going on at Freddy's, she had a feeling that this was what she needed to overcome the issues she had. Besides, she knew her daughter well enough to be aware that she wasn't going to back off a challenge set in front of her.

xXx

''So, what are you up to today?'' Matt asked immediately as he saw Sam approaching him. Sam gave him a surprised look, with Matt adding, ''You're more focused today, kind of the same like when we visited Ricky's.''

Sam placed her hand on her hip. ''You nailed it, although I need you to promise to me that you won't tell a living soul what I told you.''

''I promise, but I do have a question,'' Matt said, with Sam rising an eyebrow. ''Do dead souls also count?''

Sam opened her mouth to answer, but then she closed it, thinking about it for a moment. She then shook her head. ''No, they don't count,'' she replied. ''All you need to know is that this is really important to me and that I cannot allow just anyone knows about this.''

''I understand,'' Matt replied. ''You don't have to worry about me telling anyone. I promise I'll keep this to myself.'' Sam sighed, relaxing a little, only to be surprised by Matt's next question. ''Still, why do you keep wanting to share such important information with me?''

''Because I consider you my friend and confidant, and like I said, I'm dealing with something,'' Sam explained. ''I guess I should've asked whether you want to keep being involved.''

''Well, I don't really have anything else to do,'' Matt told her.

''Involved in what?'' Sam groaned as she heard a familiar voice joining them. She and Matt turned around, only to see Tessa creeping up on them, glaring at Sam.

''Nothing,'' Sam replied, turning her back to Tessa.

''Oh, please, I know that you're up to something,'' Tessa told Sam. ''Have you found another place for urban exploration?''

''I have no reason to tell you anything,'' Sam replied.

''Why not?'' Tessa asked, stepping in front of Sam. ''I thought that we were friends.'' She looked rather irritated when Sam just ignored her, trying to walk around her. ''You're being so selfish!''

''Why don't you hang out with Violet and her company?'' Sam replied, feeling her blood boil. She had no idea what Tessa wanted from her nor did she want to deal with her. This seemed to shut Tessa up for a moment, as she didn't reply, allowing Sam and Matt to escape her.

''Why do I have a feeling that we were right about Violet's group kicking her out?'' Matt told Sam. ''Now that she has no one, she's trying to be your friend once again.''

''Unfortunately for her, I'm not interested,'' Sam told him, only to roll her eyes when she felt someone grabbing her shoulder and pulling her back. She turned on her heel, coming face to face with Tessa.

''Sam, I wasn't done talking with you yet,'' Tessa told Sam. ''Why are you being so rude?''

''I'm being 'rude','' Sam made quotation marks, ''because you just don't get the message. I have enough of you and all of the petty high-school drama you have involved me into. I'm not your friend anymore and I'm not going to cater to your needs. So stop calling me by my nickname and leave me alone!''

Tessa gasped dramatically, looking insulted, while Matt snorted, covering his mouth with his hand. Sam sighed, waiting for Tessa's response, but before the latter could respond, the school bell rung. Sam then quickly walked away, followed by Matt, joining the other students.

''We'll talk about this after school,'' Sam told Matt as they walked into the classroom. Matt just nodded, looking fairly amused.

xXx

After school was over, instead of going home, Sam had told Matt that she wanted to head to her mother's second-hand shop in order to get the car.

''Why do we need the car? Are we going somewhere?'' Matt asked.

''Yeah, we do,'' Sam replied. ''This is what I actually wanted to talk about. Mum had told me that Fazbear Entertainment is building a new location, or at least is half-way through the whole process.''

''Really? That's interesting,'' Matt said, looking genuinely intrigued. ''I assume that you want to explore this location.''

''Yeah, I do,'' Sam replied as they stopped at a crossroad, waiting for the light to turn green. ''Or at least, what I can explore. I doubt that we're going inside, but I want to at least see the outside of the building.''

The lights changed from red to green and the two made their way down the street, eventually arriving at the second-hand shop called Second-Chance Articles. Sam entered the shop, followed by Matt, and proceeded towards the counter, which was managed by a middle-aged woman with short honey-blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Her name was Cassie Walker and she was Emma's high-school friend, having worked with Sam's mother for a while now. While Matt looked at some of the stuff on the display, Sam addressed Cassie.

''Hey, Cassie!''

''Oh, hi Sam! How are you doing?'' Cassie replied in a chipper tone.

''I'm fine,'' Sam replied. ''Is Mum here?''

''Yeah, she's in the back,'' Cassie said, pointing at the white door at the other end of the shop. Just a moment later, Emma emerged out of it, carrying a box. Sam quickly walked up to her mother.

''Hey, Mum! May I borrow the car keys? I'll bring drive back once I'm done,'' Sam asked. Emma nodded, leaving the box on the ground and reached for her pocket, giving the car keys to her daughter.

''Here you go,'' she said. ''You don't have to return the car, tho. I'll hitch a ride with Cassie.''

''Okay,'' Sam replied, noticing Cassie giving her a curious look.

''Where are you going?'' she asked.

''We're just going for a short ride,'' Sam told her as Matt walked up to them. Cassie crossed her arms, giving the two a curious look.

''A short ride?'' she muttered, with Sam and Matt exchanging glances.

''Yeaaaah, we're leaving,'' Sam replied, turning on her heel, with Matt following her. Once inside the car, Sam started to drive towards the Machinations Factory, the location being outside of Hurricane. During the drive, the two were silent, but Matt could sense that Sam had a lot to say. She wouldn't have a reason to bring him along if she didn't want to share more information with him.

''Remember how we had talked about Ricky's?'' Sam suddenly asked. Matt grinned.

I knew it. He nodded, saying, ''Sure I do. We talked about how you had been there from the start, how you had found a missing mascot named Raven and how Connor Davis was the one responsible for the murders that had occurred there.''

''Exactly, but there is a lot more to it than you think,'' Sam replied. ''The place we're going to, Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizzaplex, is actually built where once the Machinations Factory stood. The Machinations Factory was actually a robot factory previously owned by Wolfrun Corporation.''

''So, that's where Ricky and his friends came from,'' Matt concluded.

''Exactly, but the Machinations Factory had been abandoned for a while. There had been an accident that led to its abandonment and was also the reason why Raven was scrapped from the group,'' Sam explained. ''To keep it short, Connor had murdered one of his co-workers and his spirit affected Raven.''

''So, the soul wasn't contained inside the animatronic?'' Matt asked.

''No, but Raven was driven by a sense of vengeance. He wanted to get revenge on Connor for what he had done,'' Sam explained, her eyes narrowing and her voice lowering. ''I had helped him get his revenge.''

Matt fell silent for a moment, wondering whether he should even ask what happened to Raven. He knew that Sam wouldn't share everything with him and he respected that, but he had to admit that he was a little curious. ''Do you want to tell me what happened to Raven?''

Sam was quiet, her brown eyes glassy as the memories surfaced. Matt didn't say anything, feeling as if he overstepped the invisible boundary Sam had set between them. She then took a deep breath and said, ''Raven burned alongside Connor.''

''You did tell me that Connor burned to ashes alongside his own creations,'' Matt said, his tone solemn. Sam nodded.

''Yeah… Ricky, Dahlia, Max, Quentin, Virgil and Raven… They all burned in that fire, although Raven was the only one who was there out of his own will. The others were controlled by Connor,'' Sam muttered. ''I actually tried to prevent Raven from going along with that plan, but he told me that he wouldn't be at peace unless Connor died at his own hands and that he wanted to perish alongside him.'' Her grip on the wheel tightened. ''Although… I guess that's something I eventually accepted, but…''

Matt noticed that Sam was shaking. He could sense the negative emotions bubbling inside her as she processed the memories. He knew that there was more to the story and that Sam wasn't reacting this way just because of Raven. There had to be something else, something she had been avoiding talking about.

''Sam, do you want to continue or do you need a break?'' Matt asked.

Sam swallowed, realizing that her mouth was dry and that her heart was beating fast. She took another deep breath, calming herself down. It was a bit easier this time as, after spending some time playing Help Wanted, she started slowly accepting the fact that she was going back to investigating the new events surrounding Freddy's. She knew that she needed to confront her fears and trauma in order to move on and heal. Doing exactly what she used to do in the past was her way of coping, even though she was aware of the possibility that she would end up in a different nightmare.

''I don't like talking about this, but I did make up my mind,'' Sam replied.

''Maybe we should talk after we arrive at the Pizzaplex,'' Matt suggested. ''Just to make sure you stay focused so we won't have an accident on the road.''

Sam snorted, smiling. ''Yeah, I think that would be a good idea.''

Fortunately, it didn't take them too long to get to the spot where the Machinations Factory used to be, with Sam's eyes widening at the sight of the giant building in front of her. She managed to find a spot a good distance away, but it was still close enough for her and Matt to get a clear view of the outside. Her jaw dropped in awe as she realized that this was what Fazbear Entertainment had been working on the past months.

''Honestly, I didn't expect that,'' Matt said, a little less stunned than Sam, but just as surprised when he saw the massive building.

Where once the Machinations Factory stood was now a huge megamall-like building, decorated in neon lights and proudly displaying the sign ''Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizzaplex''. Inside the sign were four mascots, all dressed like some kind of rock band. Sam recognized Freddy and Chica, but she had no idea who the crocodile and wolf mascots were. The wooded area was also cleared to make space for the parking lot. There had also been a huge sign notifying them that the megamall was still under construction.

''Wow…'' Sam muttered. She had to admit, as someone who had been at several Freddy's locations before, she was really impressed by this one. ''It looks like Fazbear Entertainment went all out on this one.''

''That appears to be the case,'' Matt said, glancing at Sam. ''How do you feel?''

''I… don't really know,'' Sam admitted. She was in awe of the new location, but at the same time, memories of the Machinations Factory flooded her mind. She could remember how cold the factory was, filled with abandoned endoskeletons and animatronic parts, including several new animatronics that had been in the process of being built – the Drawkills. ''Honestly, I don't really have good memories of this place.''

''Well, you did tell me how horrible things happened here,'' Matt said, shrugging.

''You only heard a fraction of it,'' Sam replied, taking a deep breath. ''While the Machinations Factory was where Ricky, Dahlia, Quentin, Max, Virgil and Raven had been developed, Connor used the factory to create a different kind of animatronics. Being obsessed with the concept of death, he made animatronics that would assist him in his research by murdering people.''

Matt kept silent for a moment. He hadn't only heard of the disappearances and murders at Ricky's, but also witnessed one at the hands of Ricky Wolfrun himself.

''I had been working on trying to stop him and…'' Sam continued, but then stopped herself. Was she really going to tell Matt everything? She bit her lip, unsure whether she wanted to tell Matt about William. ''…Connor ended up murdered.''

''So, he was dead before he burned?'' Matt asked, noting Sam's reluctance. He knew that there was still something she was keeping a secret, but he had no intention to pressure her to reveal it. Sam nodded.

''I thought he wouldn't return, but he did and things got worse… That's when the murders at Ricky's had occured,'' Sam explained. She knew that this was a secret she shouldn't have shared. It was a secret that, even if it was fragmented, should've died with her. However, she felt that this was the right decision.

''You know, you should congratulate yourself for going through all of that and surviving everything with your sanity in-tact,'' Matt told her. Sam snorted, cheering up.

''I was keeping myself sane for the sake of someone else,'' Sam replied without thinking, only for her eyes to widen. Matt stared at her for a moment, then gave her a questioning look.

''Uh, could you repeat that? I haven't heard anything,'' he told her. Sam stared back at him, confused for a moment, but then relaxed, realizing that Matt was just trying to comfort her and make her feel better by not prying into private matter. She gave him a determined look and looked back at the building.

''Once the Pizzaplex is finished, I'll try to find a way inside and make sure no one else gets hurt,'' she said. ''Even if people like Connor are gone, I doubt that someone wouldn't try to repeat what had happened.''

As she stared at the Pizzaplex, Sam suddenly felt chills going down her spine. She shivered, wondering why she felt like this.

xXx

''Okay, let's see what I can find this time,'' Sam muttered as she put on the VR headset. Despite being wary of the game, she hoped that she would learn more or at least get Glitchtrap to talk to her. Once she found herself at the main hub, she glanced at the bunny mascot, who was cheerily waving at her. ''Are you going to finally talk to me?'' To her disappointment, Glitchtrap just kept waving. She frowned. ''You know that I know that you're not part of this game. I'm also pretty sure that you have affected the Showtime Animatronics in some way. So, why don't you tell me what you want from me?'' She waited for a moment for the reply.

''Hello? Can you hear me?''

Groaning, Sam turned to the menu screen and focused on the next section of the game, titled Dark Rooms. She hadn't played this section of the game, so she felt somewhat excited about it. To her surprise and interest, she found herself inside a hallway with Plushtrap on the other end of it. She snorted in amusement when she realized that this was the same Fun with Plushtrap game she used to play in Five Nights at Freddy's 4. All she had to do was to make sure that Plushtrap stays on the X mark, which was easier said than done.

Fortunately for her, the mini-game wasn't hard to complete, but the next one, Fun with Balloon Boy, was a bit trickier. Nightmare Balloon Boy was much faster than Plushtrap, keeping Sam on her toes. Eventually, she had managed to trap the Nightmare Animatronic on the X mark, allowing her to move on to the next game.

This one was different. This one one put her in an actual room rather than a hallway. It was filled with plush toys and boxes, and when Sam used the flashlight to navigate through it, she realized that turning it on was draining the battery. After she turned it off, it recharged.

''This… is bad,'' Sam muttered under her breath, her heart beating faster when she spotted another Tape in the grasp of a Funtime Freddy plush to her right. ''At least I got something out of this.''

''I guess you forgot about me...''

Startled by the voice, Sam quickly turned her flashlight towards where she heard it, finding a plushie version of Circus Baby hiding in the corner of the room. The PlushBaby giggled and vanished. Sam could hear more giggling, realizing that she needed to find them and repel them to win the game.

''Want to see the scooping room?''

''No, I don't want to see the scooping room,'' Sam replied as she repelled the PlushBaby. She turned the flashlight off, allowing it to recharge and listening for the giggles.

''Two... one...''

Sam turned the flashlight on, lashing it around to find the toy, only to realize that there were more giggles coming from the other side of the room. She managed to point her flashlight just in time to repel the PlushBaby.

''I heard your call...''

Sam was completely focused on her task to survive through the game as the PlushBabies became more and more aggressive. The giggles grew louder and it felt as if the PlushBabies found new spots to hide.

''I heard your call...''

Sam gulped, wondering when the game would end. There were times where she almost got jumpscared by the PlushBabies, but had managed to evade them. It was rather unnerving,

''You won't die...''

''Yeah, right…'' Sam grumbled as she repelled another PlushBaby, only to freeze on the spot when the flashlight suddenly turned off. ''Damn it!''

She knew that she was dead as she was close to the end of the game and that the PlushBabies would probably attack her. She could hear them giggling and scuttling through the room, and she hoped that the flashlight would recharge fast enough. If not, it was game over for her.

''You won't die...''

Sam prepared herself for the jumpscare, only to almost jump out of her skin when she was met with the familiar cheering, realizing that she actually won the game. She placed her hand over her heart, taking a deep breath. ''Damn, this scared me more than a jumpscare would.''

She sighed, opening the gift box and grabbing the Circus Baby plush toy. Taking a moment to calm down, she wondered whether she should listen to the Tape she found or try the last game first. She made her decision and went along with the last game. She was a little surprised to find herself at the Funtime Auditorium with the EXIT sign on the far end of the room. She then smirked, relaxing as she realized that this mini-game was the same one as the one in Five Nights at Freddy's: Sister Location. All she had to do was to clear the room without running into Funtime Foxy while using a flash beacon. She lit the room up, noticing that some of the tiles were red and tried to see whether there were any Tapes in the room. So far, she didn't see anything, realizing that she would have to investigate the place to make sure she didn't miss anything. As for the red tiles, she wondered if there was any significance to them.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped towards the exit and slowly advanced. After taking a few steps, she used the flash beacon and saw Funtime Foxy a bit further down the room. She looked down once again, noticing the red tiles. It kind of reminded her of that ''The Floor is Lava'' game, except that she may have been supposed to step on the black tiles.

Sam used the flash beacon once again, realizing that Funtime Foxy was too close and that she'd need to step on the red tiles to avoid him. She sighed, noting that she had nothing to lose and stepped on the red tiles. She immediately got jumpscared by Lolbit, transferring her back to the main hub.

''Well, that was an experience,'' Sam said to herself, still feeling a bit startled.

''Hello? Can you hear me?'' Sam turned to Glitchtrap, who waved cheerfully at her. She frowned.

''Why do I have the feeling that you know exactly what happened?'' she asked in a deadpan tone. Glitchtrap didn't answer, so she entered the Funtime Auditorium once again.

This time, she was more careful, making sure to avoid Funtime Foxy and contemplating her next move. She still wanted to check whether there was anything at the Private Room, but she had to make sure that her path would remain clear. It took her some time, as well as being caught by Funtime Foxy and having to restart the game again, but she reached the Private Room. To her disappointment, she couldn't open it, but she did find a Tape. She then managed to reach the Exit, winning the game.

Relieved that she got two new Tapes, she entered the Tape Room and put inside Tape 6 to listen to it. She also briefly glanced to the side, annoyed to see Glitchtrap staring at her. She shook her head, focusing on the Tape.

''I came in early that morning. No one else was there. At least, that's what I thought. The supply room was lit. I didn't even notice Jeremy standing in the testing room as I walked past. The supply room was so bright – glowing from all the way down the hall.''

''Okay, so something is wrong with Jeremy,'' Sam muttered. She couldn't really draw any conclusions from this Tape and quickly inserted Tape 7.

''Jeremy complained of nightmares when he came in this morning.'' Sam's eyes narrowed as she heard this part. ''He wasn't talking about it like someone telling a friend about his dreams, though. He was pale. Looked like he hadn't eaten in days. He spent an hour talking in Dale's office. But it didn't look like he was given much sympathy. When he came out, he went directly back to the testing room. He doesn't even jump anymore. Nothing scares him. He just stands there like he's talking to someone. Sometimes he rocks from side to side. We were told to leave him alone. I knew I was in line to do the testing next. They'd been prepping me for it. I guess they knew that Jeremy would need to be replaced soon.''

Sam took a moment to process all of that new information. Frankly, she did not like where this was going. The fact that Jeremy was suffering from nightmares, only to start behaving weirdly worried her. Something had probably affected him, causing him to act like this. Considering how Tape Girl and Jeremy were working on Help Wanted and how there was only one anomaly in the game, Sam already had an idea who the culprit was.

Exiting the Tape Room, she turned towards Glitchtrap, crossing her arms.

''So, do you have anything to add to this?'' she asked him.

''Hello? Can you hear me?''

Sam felt annoyed that she couldn't get any answer, wondering if she should even try to find a way to talk to the bunny mascot. It was obvious that he either wasn't capable of answering to her or was coded to not answer to her. Sam knew that she should've just dropped the subject and stop investigating, but she just couldn't. She wanted to know what Glitchtrap was and she was determined to continue her work at Freddy's and trying to infiltrate Pizzaplex.

She stood still for a moment, then sat down on the floor, crossing her legs and facing Glitchtrap. She bit her lip, staring at the anomaly. She stared at the ground for a moment, then looked back at the bunny mascot.

''I wonder… Am I getting a bit obsessed with this?'' she slowly said. Glitchtrap just waved at her, still having the same cheery grin. ''I know that you won't answer, but you can still listen to me, right?'' She sighed, shaking her head and rolling her eyes, realizing that she was getting herself into a rather familiar situation. ''This is getting ridiculous. I can talk to Mum and Matt about what is going on. I don't have to talk to you.''

She was about to remove the VR headset, but kept it on when she saw purple static and glitches appearing across the screen. Startled, she took a moment to compose herself. She blinked a few times, wondering if she was just using the VR headset for too long, but she then realized that this wasn't the case. Instead, she stared back at Glitchtrap, who kept waving at her, cheerful as always.

''Hello? Can you hear me?''

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#Five Nights at Freddy's: The Untold Story (Masterlist)

[trans-axolotl]

Hey! partner (?) anon back here. First of all I wanted to thank you for your careful response it was at the very least such a relief to hear from someone with actual experience +advice and care. and that I'm glad you feel a little more secure for dec and Jan <3

my partner and I had a talk where we made some more reasonable goals that they got "enforced" and such. They are very much just now realising how deep in they are in this stuff so it's a complicated process but I think we made it as least awful as possible.

2 points that make it just so hard right now is how isolated and alone I feel in the processes. I mean. in a more existential way I don't think I've ever felt quite so personally let down by institutions and knowing that the looming threat of coercive treatment is there if they were to not meet the desired expectations. (I have many mental problems of my own but I've been lucky. so far)

their home enviornent is also to put it shortly. bad. were both trans + autistic and they are bad about those things and also bad in general which obviously makes cultivating any sort even a little more neutral vibe w food rn kind of like wading through mud. We have plans to move in together in the coming months + they spend the weekends at my place but for now it's just so hard knowing they have to go back out there.

this is more of a ramble now I really hope you don't mind! I have very few people in our lives we can talk to about this honestly really so thank you even if you just read this. sending good vibes

Sorry it took a while to respond to this, life has been crazy lately.

You're welcome--I'm really glad my response could help in any small way. I'm glad you were able to sit down with your partner and have that conversation, and at least feel like you have a little bit more of a plan.

I definitely get what you're saying about how isolating it is to feel abandoned and completely let down by the institutions that are supposedly there to help us. It's really hard to deal with feeling like there isn't any support or anywhere to turn, and I know how much it hurts to watch loved ones go through something like this without being able to access the amount of care that's needed. You are absolutely not alone in this. Sometimes it helps me a to realize how many other people out there who care about this type of stuff and who are organizing to transform our mental health systems, and building alternatives. Even if it doesn't always help in the moment, sometimes it helps me have a little bit of hope that in the next months and years there will be more options for us to take care of each other.

That also sounds like an incredibly difficult home environment to be trying to recover in--I'm sorry that they're still having to go back there for now, and that both of you are having to navigate this. I can imagine how much added stress that's caused on top of everything else! I hope that you're able to move in together soon, and have your own space to be able to relax in together.

sending all the love + solidarity and good vibes your way, and seriously, my inbox is always open. rambles + vents and anything else are welcome <3

[macgyvermedical]

Hi. I promise I'm not trying to be antagonistic so I apologize if anything in this ask comes off ass aggressive, I really don't intend intend to be.

In 2022, how should one expect to be treated if one goes into the ER feeling suicidal?

Chronic pain nonsense has had me longing for death more days than not. It got to a really bad point where I was strongly considering plans every single day...and the hospital completely blew me off.

Uhm, is this... typical? Should I expect that ER services are no longer able to handle situations where folks are considering suicide?

To be overly frank, I'm not opposed to the idea of suicide but I don't want to hurt others. I went for the sake of concern for those who love me. I'm not afraid to die if there were no consequences of it. Are there still resources for those experiencing feelings like mine, or should I seek anything else?

I don't have any sort of health insurance and I've been denied medicaid despite supposedly qualifying for it. I'm at my wits end and struggling to find what the hell I can even do anymore.

I'm sorry this happened to you, anon.

The ED works on a screening tool- if you score high enough, you should be able to get some level of care, even if it is just speaking with a psychiatrist (in a larger medical center, at least, in a smaller one it's probably going to be whatever doc is there). Typically self harm or suicidal ideation without defined plan or means will not be enough to "count" as needing emergency care (and tbh, if you got sent to the hospital every time you had suicidal ideation, you'd never be able to tell a counselor or work on those things). Just saying "I'm thinking about suicide" will most likely get a "yeah you and everyone else here buddy".

If you know you really need care and can't get it elsewhere- and as a med pro I hate to say this- exaggerate just slightly. Some things that will boost your score include reporting a defined plan with a timeline in the very near future and reporting access to your chosen means of harm. Make the triage nurse feel like you might die right in front of them, because to be perfectly honest, they're completely desensitized to everything else (and honestly probably a little bit desensitized to that too).

The nice thing is, if you do get admitted, the hospital wants to be able to recoup some of the cost and will do everything they can to help to get you on medicaid. This is also not a particularly crazy amount of help because let's face it, the social work department is understaffed too, but hopefully having that leg up with work in your favor.

If you then have medicaid, you'll generally have more options for mental health care. I would recommend starting by getting a primary care doctor instead of trying for a psychiatrist off the bat. It might take a while for a new-patient appointment, but primary care (especially those with a residency- look for offices with a strangely large number of providers or ask if the office is a residency/training clinic) can handle a lot of psych problems internally and can refer you to an outside psychiatrist if they can't help you adequately. Some family med and internal med offices even have their own social workers, psychiatrists and/or psychologists who can help on the spot.

If you do get a bill and don't make more than about 4 times the poverty line, you can call the financial assistance office, report your inability to pay, and ask about how much they can reduce your bill. For a lot of people living around or below the poverty line, they can reduce your bill to zero. For higher amounts of income, you can still expect a substantial reduction and a willingness to work toward a payment plan.

I know none of this is great news, but as far as I am aware this would be a good path forward for someone who needs access to the currently extremely stretched services of the US healthcare system and who doesn't currently have insurance.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, this is Chantal again. I'm not sure if you got my first ask, I still have it saved if you need me to resend it, but if you got it already, this is just an update on how things are going (tw for alcohol, chronic health issues, and death).

So my situation has gotten way more difficult lately and it's all connected to family issues. I mentioned in my first ask that I had a relative near death, it was my uncle (husband of the aunt who copes by drinking). He passed away (making it the second death I've had in my family in only 3 months). And once again I had to go through an extremely emotionally draining and disturbing funeral.

Now my aunt moved in with us. She brought alcohol into the house and she's constantly making references to drinking, including making a joke where she said alcohol is the "over-the-counter version" of an anti-anxiety medication. And now my mom is set to have surgery later this month. She's been in a very bad mood lately because she and my aunt get into a lot of disagreements. If I'm getting along with my aunt while my mom is mad at my aunt, my mom takes it as us supposedly teaming up against her. But if I get my aunt upset while my mom is on good terms with her, then my aunt complains to my mom about me, and my mom gets angry at me for not being nicer to her (even if it's just something like me responding in a less cheerful way than usual thanks to being tired, stressed, or in pain).

Basically everything from the first ask is still the same (my schedule is even worse now with my aunt living with us since I feel like it's really disrupted things, I'm getting frequent pain episodes, experiencing physical flare-ups from the intense amounts of emotional/mental distress I'm going through, and still don't have a doctor). I'm still feeling a huge amount of guilt over how I let my mental health negatively impact my physical health. And it just feels like I'm constantly overwhelmed and don't know how to handle anything since no one around me copes in healthy ways either and I feel extremely alone and hopeless. I am sort of back to work but I'm constantly feeling distracted, less productive than usual, underconfident in my abilities, and I'm always panicked about messing up. I feel like this can't last forever but at the same time it really does feel like it's one awful thing after the next and I can just never get a break. And I don't know how I should deal with things because I just feel like a mess beyond hope and shit keeps happening.

Hi Chantal,

I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse since you last wrote in. I'm so sorry for your most recent loss. It's understandable that the funeral was draining for you.

It sounds like the relationships between you, your mom, and your aunt are becoming complicated as well, and they seem to be unable to recognize that you tend to have a more neutral stance whereas they either see you as for or against them, which only creates more conflict between each other.

Please know that there's no need to feel guilty for your mental health impacting your physical health because sometimes you can't necessarily prevent that from happening. I think it may be helpful to focus less on how your mental health is impacting your physical health and more on what's impacting your mental health to create that chain effect, identifying a root cause (or several, because there are many things).

I think in times like this it can be hard to remain hopeful that the future will be calmer for you. If possible, you may want to look into some mindfulness exercises as well as some self care practices to at least temporarily help relieve the stress of everything that's been going on for you.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[thispabulum-blog]

Welcome Back, Kotter

Been a while, eh?

I'm pretty much settled in at my new job and I just had my first first date in a long time, so let's chat.

Cuddlebug and I are still doing well! We've done a lot of work on problem-solving and conflict resolution, and I'm getting used to being in a relationship where people communicate and things can change whenever they're not working optimally. Witchcraft, I say! I don't want to go into a whole post of "Look how cute my boyfriend is", but I definitely could.

Item 9 is good. He went silent for a while, but it turns out there was some Big Family Drama going on in his world, so he's been busy sorting all that out. He's supposed to be coming over tomorrow to hang out with me and Cuddlebug, and we're very much looking forward to that.

(Cuddlebug and I recently finished watching Yuri on Ice, so that's what we've got for gifs today)

Aquaman has disappeared. The last time we spoke, over the summer, he was going through what was probably a mental health crisis. Unsurprisingly, tbh, what with his level of burnout. I don't know if he just spiraled, or if he went back to his abusive ex, or what the situation is. I hope he's doing okay.

Baymax reappeared this past spring, and then disappeared almost as quickly. Supposedly him and his ex broke up, he's now poly and pansexual, he fooled around with my boyfriend, told us he loved us, and then within weeks I was blocked on everything and his fiancee is being passive-aggressive on social media. Oh well. Good luck with the marriage, bro.

Dr. Strangelove...I might have to go into all of that some other time. He exists, but things are increasingly weird.

Anyway, I said something about a date?

As I've spoken about before, I don't super like Hinge, as far as dating apps go. I feel like the focus on "prompts" and only being able to have a few on your profile really limits what kind of insights you get about a person, and it doesn't seem to have calibrated at all to what I'm interested in. They say the best way to get it to know what you want is to swipe, so I do that a lot when I'm bored.

That being said, I did see a guy pop up recently that made me do a double-take, so I started chatting with him. His name is gonna be Ladybird for our purposes.

Let's get real, though. After this whole situation last summer, I've been really reluctant to get back into dating with any kind of enthusiasm. I already have a lot of social anxiety and all, but that absolutely set me back.

Cuddlebug and I had that date with Chex Mix last year, which, while not a disaster, was not a great experience. And then I had two dates some other time with a really cute person, and then they just kinda flaked on me. But both of those situations were more looking for someone who could hang with us as a couple - partly because I think I was still apprehensive, and partly because I feel bad when Cuddlebug doesn't get any male attention.

The problem is that I'm not only attracted to submissive bisexual guys that I could take in a fight. And ever since Space Kitten moved away, I haven't spent any time with someone physically imposing.

So this one is just for me.

Ladybird's profile started with a song lyric and invited you to finish it. I wasn't familiar, but he was cute and I needed an opener so I cheated and Googled it. The lyrics were nice and sounded like something I would be into, so I listened to it and uhhh...it's some genre of metal. I could not understand a single word they said, even though I was looking at the lyrics at the time. I guess we won't be listening to music together, then.

He's only a year younger than me, does the same kind of work that I used to do, has two really cute little dogs, and his own apartment. He doesn't have or want kids, doesn't smoke. He loves Taco Bell as much as I do, and offered to make me French toast with jam and Nutella. He also looks a bit like Adam Driver (but don't tell Cuddlebug that; it's a sore spot). He talked about looking for someone to hang out with and watch movies, eat food, fool around...all of my favorite things!

His sense of humor is kind of dry and aggressive, but he makes it a point to clarify that he's joking whenever he says something that might be taken the wrong way.

Alright well that just makes him sound like Schrodinger's Douchebag, so let's see if I can find an example...

Okay so I checked and it's mostly dirty stuff, so I'll paraphrase:

Me: "I might be interested in that, but it would take some working up to."

Ladybird: "Oh really? I expect [very intense and specific thing]."

Ladybird: "All jokes aside, I do care a lot about you and what you're feeling. Ignoring boundaries is fucked up, in my opinion."

We were doing a lot of messaging back and forth, and last weekend we even talked on the phone for a bit (which I never do, just because I hate talking on the phone so much), so we decided to do a low-key first date at an all-night pancake place after I got off work one day this past week (since I get out of work late).

Y'all, having a boyfriend makes dating new guys SO MUCH easier!

Cuddlebug picked me up from work, drove me to the restaurant, got a table for himself and ate dinner, and then sat in the car watching youtube on his phone until I was ready to go. Truly the best boyfriend. He also gave me a pocket knife.

When we got outside we even did some kissing, which was very nice! I haven't kissed a Tall Guy in a while; the dynamics of it are so weird.

The date went really well! We were both very tired - I had just gotten out of work, and it was likely past his normal bedtime, so we spent most of the time comparing notes on shitty job stuff and dealing with customers and terrible managers. He did a lot of bad accents, spoke a little Spanish at me, and didn't do anything that made me uncomfortable. It was a little awkward at times but nothing terrible. Honestly the most awkward thing was that three different servers came by our table to talk to me about how much they liked my hair. I told him "This is what it's like going out with me; you'll have to get used to it." He paid for dinner, which I wasn't counting on.

Side note: I had also started messaging a different guy around the same time, and I got them a little confused, so I showed up expecting Ladybird to be 5'9" and he is in fact 6'2". I went to put my arms around his shoulders in a Cute Girl Hug move, but it was significantly higher than I thought it would be and it made it a little weird. For me, at least (being 5'3"). He seemed fine about it.

He tastes super familiar but I couldn't place it. He had things going on this weekend, so we're planning on me going over to his house next Saturday. I'm excited!

I'll talk to you guys next weekend, or maybe sooner if I have more than 5 minutes of free time during the week.

[riewritten]

10 UNDER THE RAIN

DUSK IN THE BRIGHTEST | chapter directory

erwin smith/fem!reader, erwin smith/you, no y/n | slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff & smut, mutual pining, canon AU, college/univ AU, professor erwin smith, commander erwin smith, non-linear narrative, manga spoilers

Trigger warning: canon-typical violence, graphic description, explicit sexual content, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues, trauma, implied/referenced sexual harassment, implied/referenced abuse, attempted murder, overdosing

Plot: It was always the nightmares, really. Entrapped with walls, human-eating giants, fighting through metal strings and swords – utterly violent, dreary, recurrent. But behind the blurry faces was a man with menacing blue eyes and vivid features; eventually appearing before you as your new reputable professor, Erwin Smith. Since then, the disaster had slipped beyond your subconscious. AO3

When Erwin noticed you were finally attending his classes continuously, despite it being a very trivial matter, you were sure you saw the satisfaction on his face. He’s got that subtle wry smile he's shown you back at the balcony whenever he spots you in the room before the lesson. It's as if reminding you through his own silent ways that he won the bargain. You noticed it the most during your third one, the only time you could be allowed to drop but decided to not push for it anyway.

The extra class sessions that were supposedly by group became one-on-one instead due to your absences and he indeed made sure to not go easy on you so you could realize the consequences of ghosting it. During these times, he never bothered to hide his amusement whenever you got too absorbed with it, perhaps making fun of you brightens up his mood. With all the huffs you kept to yourself during your sessions so he wouldn't get too humored at the situation at hand, you finally got to keep up with your classmates. Still not enough to not need the extra sessions at all but fast and remarkable progress regardless after being dead set on leaving his class.

"Here," He returned your papers which you examined with confusion because of how many notes he had written on them, all telling you to revise. This is the third time he's given it to you like this.

"But this version was perfectly scored by my classmates," You mumbled to yourself.

"Not all of your classmates are writing majors." He remarked.

"I used this piece on another major as well and got a perfect score." You weakly replied, still dejected.

"Not all of your professors are on my standards." Your mouth hung open in repulsion while he released a small chuckle at your disappointment. Arrogance aside, Historia indeed did her research on how good this man is. Now you completely understand your classmates' frustration because they genuinely thought this course would be easy.

"I might as well publish it if you keep on bringing this back to me."

"I'd like to see how it turns out."

"Completely bad not until you mark it perfect." You deadpanned.

"Right." He concurred wryly. "Though I gotta admit you're slightly better than people in your college."

"As I should. I’m delayed and quite older than everyone after all.”

"Not your batchmates, but all of the students taking the same degree as you. Including your seniors." He pondered. "I completely understand now why the faculty is so serious in considering you."

"Well, you don't seem to believe it that much after mercilessly bringing back this poor project for the third time.”

"Which is lucky. Half of your classmates have been revising it for the fifth time." You looked at him in disbelief. When he says he has high standards, just how high? "Such excellence when you’re that half-hearted. You’d be able to survive college with skills alone.”

"That's why when I transfer you, I expect you to understand my lack of tolerance for your half-heartedness. As I said, strength alone won't make you out alive." As if an echo, the same voice throbbed in your head, ringing almost painfully.

It’s a completely harmless banter and you’re a hundred percent sure every part of your consciousness believes so. You came to terms with the halfheartedness when he went to you that day, right?

Still, you swiftly felt your whole body drift towards the office of your squad leader, with him berating you for your lack of passion for the task. The way your muscles tensed and your breathing held back with his anger, alarming all of your senses at how awfully real it was. You can smell the moist wooden floor and the faint gas lamp. You can feel the drop of sweat from your neck towards the collar of your leather uniform. The clear but dead air, the tension, the trembling culpability – it's as if it's completely happening at this moment. 

"I'm sincerely trying to put my heart into it," You shakily responded to your squad leader in guilt.

However, the glare from him softened. Suddenly it wasn’t rage, not even authority. It was gentle, frighteningly so. "Well, it's not like you need to if you don’t feel like it. I remember telling it to you last time." He answered. Upon your confusion at the sudden toning down, the environment transitioned back to the office. You looked at him wide-eyed, utterly horrified, and released a breath quite loudly as if you’d been holding it for a while.

"Are you okay?" He remarked instant concern lacing his voice. You tried shifting your eyes away from him to quickly ground yourself, begging your muscles to conceal any tremble and extremely uncomfortable feeling.

Perhaps it isn’t linear. They have the same face and voice after all.

"I forgot to… eat before coming here, I guess."

"Really? You should've told me sooner."

"It's okay, not too hungry yet."

“You’re pale,” He stood up and went to his shelf. “I am about to dismiss you now but you have to have something first. I only have tea here, is that fine for now? When’s the last time you ate?” 

“Yeah, it's fine. Breakfast.” I was munching a sandwich on the way here.

“Here,” He gave you a hot cup of black tea, and the scent of it finally eased the tensions in your body.

“Seems like we’re both suckers for Levi’s tea,” You replied.

“That man deserves a patent.”

“Very much so,” You sipped. “What time is it?"

"7:30."

You shot him a confused look. "I didn't notice we went that long." 

"I was surprised as well. Had no idea." He replied, very flatly, not even a glint of surprise or bother.

You squinted your eyes at him, high in doubt. He didn't even look on his watch to check. "You have every idea what time it was,"

He looked at you and slightly raised his brows, concealing the smile forming on his face. "Really, I didn't."

“Explain."

He released a small chuckle, giving in. “You looked so serious in our sessions, how could I not extend my helping hand?”

“Yeah, I know. I am stupid for being adamant about dropping and very much deserved this. Humor yourself with my suffering.”

“Yeah, I'm doing that quite well.”

Your panic at that sudden scenario subsided, to say the least. You just need to realize from time to time that he’s different. Even though the reminder needs to be constant because you’re still highly anxious about it deep inside, it’s an improvement nonetheless. After the session, it seemed like you were the only student left so Erwin told you to wait for him as he stopped by the faculty to get his things and to inform other professors of his leave. When he went out the faculty door, he tossed a pack of bread at you, the one that always gets sold out at the cafeteria during lunch.

You nodded in gratitude. “This one’s my favorite.”

“I know. I often see you holding that whenever we cross each other.”

You looked at him with confusion and a hint of fluster. “You’re quite a sharp one. Not everyone would notice something as trivial as that.”

He didn’t respond with that, though, and upon examining his features, there’s an almost unnoticeable hint of surprise as well. As if he wasn’t supposed to let that observation out. Both of you halted at the exit door upon seeing how hard the rain was. It seems like you’d be stuck with this man longer. You sighed in lament. The desire to have some time alone and reflect on your unaddressed anxiety was shattered by the noisy drops.

Ah, I just hope he won't ask to drive me home.

"I'll drive you home." He didn't even bother to ask. "It's my fault you stayed this long after all.”

Staying with him longer would make you too flustered to even reflect on it and so you came up with a lie. "No, it's fine. I'm planning to go visit a friend tonight."

"Really? Who?"

"Isabel." I don't even know where she is right now.

"Is that so? We're just on the same route then. Hop in." Before you could come up with other excuses, he walked himself to the parking lot, telling you to wait. You ended up entering the car with a frown.

You, 7:55pm.

where are you

if you're not home pls go home

Isabel, 7:56pm.

oh naw why

[sent a selfie]

sorry (≧ڡ≦)

"Ah fuck," You huffed as soon as you saw the picture. She seemed to be in a place very far away from here, with pretty city lights below her. You never thought she'd be back outdoors this early.

"Why?" Erwin remarked, his eyes shifted to you.

"Nothing important." You bit your lip in panic. It's not like you can just jump yourself out of here. You also can't point to a stop because the rain's too hard and you don't think he'd let you out like that. You fumbled on your phone for another option.

You, 7:57pm.

hello help where are you

on my way to your house

Furlan, 7:57pm.

What happened? I'm walking back

You, 7:57pm.

how long til u get there

Furlan,7:58pm.

In 10 I guess

You, 7:59pm.

god im ssorry but can u make it in 5 it"s an emergency

Furlan, 7:59pm.

Why? Where are you? Should I just meet you halfway? Rain's quite hard

You, 8:00pm.

no im on the car :(

Furlan, 8:01pm.

Ok I'll try. Hang in there

Their place isn't too far away from here and yet the ride felt tormentingly slow. When Erwin pulled up and you rang the doorbell, you could only think of nothing but endless hoping that Furlan arrived before you. So when Levi opened the door, you moved your head everywhere to spot him. 

"Yo, Levi." Erwin greeted, and you saw Furlan in the living room, a towel atop his hair and a panting mess, you weren't able to hide your relief and perked up at him.

Levi shot a flat glare at Erwin and you, a silent question at why you’re here at the same time.

"She said she's seeing Isabel so I brought her with me." Oh no. You glanced at Erwin, horrified that you let him say it.

"Isabel's out since Monday. She won't be coming home for a while." 

"I switched up the names," You chuckled nervously. "I'm meeting Furlan."

“Really,” Levi raised his eyebrows in doubt.

Of course, they won’t buy it so you shot Furlan a stare asking for help, only for him to raise his brows at you as well. It was a sure quiet moment as they all waited for an explanation with your face flushed hot in shame; so you broke it off by begrudgingly walking towards Furlan, grabbing his hand, and walking upstairs without a word. He tried to keep silent until you were past Levi and Erwin but since you never thought of anything but withdrawing from their sight, you mindlessly entered his room which he rarely lets people in.

"You!" Furlan exclaimed as soon as you closed the door, his face in deep red. "The heck are you doing, grabbing me and entering my room like that?"

“Oh god. I'm so sorry." You heaved a defeated sigh and finally let yourself falter at the door, your knees dropped to the ground like jelly. "Erwin and I had an extra class session today and when he offered me a ride home, I tried to turn him down by lying."

"That's all?" Furlan remarked in aghast. "I thought something bad happened to you." I am in disbelief, too.

"Ugh," You curled yourself up and hugged your knees. "Sorry for being such a bother. I even let you run like that with the rain too hard."

Furlan didn't respond immediately, he just threw a blanket at your head after a while. "Don't look yet, I'll clean up first." He said, still flustered.

You maintained your position underneath until Furlan gently removed it from you. He's now sitting on the floor as well, facing your curled-up figure. "I know that's not all of it. You were terribly frightened when I first mentioned him to you. I thought you just find him intimidating but you've never been this clumsy before. Now I need to know why,"

You looked at him with your eyebrows furrowed in worry. You really don't want to be as specific as possible to him regarding this. However, if you’d put Furlan into such inconvenience, he at least deserves to know why.

"Erwin, that man— he’s been living in my nightmares even before we met." Furlan didn't move, his face laced with nothing but confusion so you continued. "I know this is hard to believe so I don't want to tell anyone about it as much as possible. I thought I could just get myself used to his presence and I've been working hard to do so, but there are frequent instances where snippets of my nightmares flash while we're together. It makes me very bothered and confused." He didn't respond again, his face not changing at all, so you inquired, "You don't believe me, do you?"

"Yeah, it’s very unlikely to believe but," The look of disbelief slowly turned into worry. "You're not the type to lie about something so serious."

You looked down in lamen, "Isabel said the same thing."

"She knew about this?"

"She knows everything about this ever since so it wasn't that hard explaining it to her. Besides, people like her and Historia are usually thrilled at the premise that they’d want to know more."

"So why didn't you tell me this," Furlan muttered in disappointment.

"Sorry." You might have a less chaotic relationship with Furlan than Isabel but you’ve been together for so long, too. "Sometimes I just tell it to some people if it's too heavy to keep for myself. Talking about it all the time is hard."

"Wel, it’s not like you’re at fault. You don’t need to apologize." He clarified. "But is it okay for you to tell me this now?"

"You should be the one I’m asking that. Everything about this would sound really ridiculous. Are you fine hearing it?"

Furlan gave you a subtle smile in assurance. "You've been in a dark place all your life because of this. Whether the reason Erwin appeared was pure coincidence or not, I just want to know about it. I mean, I'm just waiting for you to tell me about it."

So you told him everything, from the nature of the nightmares before Erwin came up to the situation right now. It was quite a long talk. When you get to the part where they appeared and died before you, you had to pause for a while. Furlan, as the understanding man that he is, assured you that you could stop if it's too heavy but you insisted.

"So that's the reason why you look very tormented all these years. It must've been so hard. You've been doing so well." He ruffled your hair.

You sniffed to avoid the small tears from slipping and laughed, "I sure am."

"A part of me thinks that maybe you just saw Erwin's face in coincidence before dreaming about him. He went to our house before."

"Isabel said the same. Erwin's quite famous as well but I didn't know he ever existed apart from his face in my nightmares. I thought he was just nothing but a fragment of my imagination. I thought it was nothing but fiction. That's what I get by all my life to survive it."

"So when you saw the three of us there…" 

"Struggling to not let the nightmares eat my consciousness has never been this hard." you fumbled mindlessly on the blanket. “Do you remember the time when I suddenly ignored Levi in high school?"

"Of course. You never became close again after all. I remember him telling us back then to stick with you more because he thought something bad happened to you." He said. Thinking about it fills you with guilt. You've been so close to Levi as a child, less doting than Isabel but still as close. Levi always treated you as part of their family so when you suddenly set a distance with him for reasons you don't know back then, you’re sure he’d noticed it the most. People kept on pressing you about it as well but you weren't able to give them any answers. Even Kuchel asked you about it because she thought her very stoic son picked a fight with you.

"It's just that back then, there was a day I woke up feeling extremely bad and when I went to your house and saw Levi, I felt very negative towards him. I don’t even know where it came from, I just felt like he did something and I hated his presence for it. Since then I had no idea how to bring back the usual me with him." You lamented.

"Do you think it has something to do with your nightmares?"

You nodded. "I think these dreams may have appeared before, not as vivid and subsequent as the recent ones but enough to exude unusual emotions. It was completely absurd to feel as if he did something bad because when that dream came clear to me recently, I just realized the version of me in my nightmare can't face him properly without thinking of Isabel's death and yours." You paused for a while to think about how regretful it was to cut a bond like that because of something so uncertain. You let out a bitter laugh, "I will feel bad about this for the rest of my life."

"It's not like he ever hated you for it. Actually, since we noticed how scared you were of Erwin, he became more attentive towards ensuring your welfare. He usually just passes us the job of looking out for you but now he keeps involving himself. When we saw you passed out on Erwin at the night out, you had no idea how pissed Levi was until he explained himself. When you called Isabel while crying so hard, it was him who initiated to go to your house. Levi hasn't changed. He's still that grumpy old man who looks out for everyone in his own ways."

Your stomach churned in further remorse. Your recent dilemma really worried a lot of people that they had to disrupt their daily work to ensure your safety. As much as you appreciate the kindest gestures, nothing comes out from that but absolute bother. If you’re really ending up like this, there has to be some progress. "Now that we talk about it, have you noticed something about Levi and Erwin recently? Like, since Erwin settled here?"

"I don't think I noticed something unusual. Since Erwin came and worked here they always come for a drink. They seem to talk a lot, but I thought it's just because they haven't met for so long."

"I see." You lamented that maybe your arising suspicion towards Levi is just you seeing things.

He pondered for a while, "Ah! I think it's quite trivial but Levi seems to be drinking a lot recently. Like, a lot. Well of course with Erwin, but apart from that he looks stressed about something and he seemed to need it to relax." You curled your eyebrows at him. Levi is really calm-headed. If his siblings get to notice that something's wrong with him, it must be that bad. "Erwin looks heavier than usual too. Last time Isabel asked Erwin why he's smoking a lot because it stinks on the balcony. Erwin laughed and apologized, he said something has been bothering him for a while so he's trying to destress."

"Furlan, what would you feel if…" You trembled at your own thoughts. "...if my nightmares were real?"

Furlan's eyes widened, perturbed. He looked down and gulped. "I would really feel bad for Levi. He doesn't deserve any of it, whether it’s real or not. Witnessing something like that would ruin him."

"It did," You gripped hard on the blanket in sheer dread but Furlan interrupted your spiraling thoughts by putting his palm on your forehead.

"Eyes here," And so you looked at him. "My hands may be quite cold from the rain, but it's warm enough to feel alive, right?" It is; your heart swelled in relief. You took glances at his features as well so you could differentiate them from his lifeless figure in that place. His grey eyes are gleaming and studying you the same way. You can see his tiny and unnoticeable freckles that you and Isabel once darkened with permanent markers back in childhood. His lips, despite being pale and straight, are as full of life as ever. He may not be smiling a lot, could be mistaken as someone similar to the grumpy Levi from afar, and he might be too serious to put up with Isabel’s rowdiness — but he's a human of his own. He's alive, very much so. There are no walls, no titans even. All the people dear to you are kept safe and free, and not even your life-long nightmare can ever change that.

"It is warm, as it always should.”

He replied with a small smile, "Yeah, as it always should."

Levi called the both of you downstairs to eat. Furlan let you regain your composure first before going down for dinner. It’s not as noisy as the previous one because the redhead is not present, but peaceful nonetheless.

"So," Levi started. "What did the two of you do upstairs?"

"Don't make it sound so weird." Furlan shot back.

"We caught up on a lot of things." You beamed.

"Well, Furlan rushed all the way here and got himself wet. Must be an important planned talk isn't it?" His voice was full of sarcasm. It quickly brought all your consciousness and embarrassment back that you stopped chewing your food and denied everyone eye contact. He damn knew it wasn't planned at all.

“Yeah, it is." Furlan annoyingly replied. "I forgot about it so I ended up rushing home. Stop making it a big deal." You finally gulped down your food in relief for the backup. The two ended up bantering for the rest of the dinner.

"Now," Levi shot Erwin and you a tired scowl. "Enough dilly-dallying in this house. It's almost ten. Go home." Guilty as you are, you slowly picked your things up.

Furlan called your name, though. "What we had earlier must've tired you a lot. Can't you just spend the night here? Isabel brought her entire bedding with her but you can have one in my room." You were about to smile and assure him it was no big deal but when the two gentlemen flashed him a look of horror, you realized how weird it might have sounded.

You tried to clarify. "I don't think he meant–"

"The what?" Levi grimaced at Furlan.

"No, he just meant–" You tried again but was cut off by Furlan quickly realizing it and losing his composure.

He shouted in retaliation. "I don't mean that—"

"Don't mean what? Tiring her down in your bedroom and inviting her to sleep in front of us? Really? I thought you've grown enough to know such matters should be asked in private."

"Seriously, no—" 

“And when I thought highly of you, Furlan.” This time, Erwin was the one to cut you off.

"He didn't mean anything bad!" You finally cut them off yourself. "I had a hard a hard time earlier and—”

“He gave you a hard time?” Levi was almost too surprised then turned to Furlan. “But you’ve been so gentle to her all this time.”

Furlan can’t even look at you anymore.

Even before you could say anything in his defense, Erwin called your name as he picked his things up. "It's getting late. I have early morning classes. Come on now." 

They said their goodbyes when the two of you settled inside the car. Furlan was waving sadly, feeling bad at making things awkward, so you pushed the car window button and let your head out. "Thank you, Furlan, really." You beamed at him. "You genuinely helped me tonight."

"As I always should." He referenced your exchange of assurances earlier.

You flashed him a grin. "Yeah, as you always should!" and pushed the window close again.

Erwin and you remained silent afterward. You tried not to look at him at first but the silence got quite unnerving. You almost flinched in your seat upon turning your head because his stare was fixated on you all this time.

"What," You muttered with wide eyes.

"Seatbelt."

"Ah, yeah, sorry." You panicky moved your hands. "I'm sorry we ended up so late. I shouldn't have bothered you like this— oh," you realized you cannot move the belt at all, and so slowly turned your head towards him again with furrowed brows. "I think it's stuck."

"Really," He didn't waste any time and moved towards you to fix it, causing the side of his face in proximity more than comfortable to handle. You ended up holding your breath at the sudden distance and since staring directly at his face was too overwhelming, you just looked down.

"It really is." He remarked as he fumbled on the belt.

"Oh?" You replied. "I'm sorry, did I get it stuck?"

His eyes shifted towards you as he continued moving his hands on it. "Did you?" He asked, the baritone, the very close distance, and his hot breath had you frozen on the spot.

"I did? Sorry if I did?"

He hummed, still not breaking eye contact but not stopping his fumble on the belt either. "You're sorry?"

"Yeah? For getting the belt stuck?"

"Just that?"

"Uh—" You curled your eyebrows and held your breath further despite feeling it run out. "Sorry for getting us this late?"

"And?" He prompted. And what? 

You couldn’t hold it further so you inhaled, only to get way more flustered not because of this position but because he smelled really good. Every protest your mind is trying to come up with this position was all replaced by shame.

"And for all the things I should be sorry for tonight…?" You mumbled slowly.

The way he stopped fumbling the belt but maintained the distance and eye contact flustered you to no end. Your thought process has completely thrown off, nothing but pathetic admittance that his scent was the sweetest thing you have smelled in a while and it's making you want to indulge in it until you sleep shamelessly in this car.

"Are there more…?" You inquired weakly. He shot you a sweet smile before withdrawing the distance, with his hand swiftly fastening your belt along the way.

"I'm kidding. It's not stuck." He started the engine.

"It's not?" You almost shrieked. His smile turned wry. "It's seriously not stuck?" You repeated as you glared at him in disbelief.

"At least you can take your sorry back."

Your thought process knocking itself off, the mind ruffling distance, the breath you held back, all of those for what? "You brought me in so much worry only to bring my sorry back?"

"You could bring my gratitude as well for humoring me tonight."

"You have no idea how much I held myself from saying how extremely annoying you are tonight."

He released a small laugh. "I'm glad for you finally letting that out."

"You're unbelievable." You puffed and turned your head on the windows instead to hide how flustered you’re being at this conversation. You’re thankful it got silent after that. You almost ask if he knew where he’s going until you remembered this isn’t the first time he's bringing you home.

After a few turns, he spoke again, "You lied about meeting Isabel tonight." and he said it so casually. You tensed in your seat.

"I didn't. I just got the name wrong."

"You discovered Isabel's not around so you asked for Furlan's help instead." He ignored your answer. "And he saved you at the last minute."

"Wrong. Furlan clarified this already."

"I figured the reason you lied to me was to turn me down nicely from bringing you home, but we ended up here instead." You gulped down, getting uncomfortable with this talk. "Am I right?"

"Stop teasing me now." You retorted in annoyance.

He heaved a small chuckle. "But you know I'm not teasing you. I don’t mind if it’s true."

"Where is this conversation going?" You faced him with a slight glare. You know you don't have to be annoyed but he shouldn't linger around if he aims to reprimand you for lying.

"I don't intend to step on your boundaries but I'm fully aware of your measures to avoid me since I set foot here." He answered gently and your glare was replaced with shock. "That said, you don't have any responsibility to clarify yourself or answer my questions. I can acknowledge this conversation didn't happen if you want me to."

You straightened yourself and turned on the window again. "Go on."

"Was your avoidance related to the time when you fainted during our first class?"

You clenched a hand then, wondering how much this man knows about the matter. You also thought if this is the moment you’ll be getting your answers as well. You haven't prepared yourself for this, not at all, but if things are going this way, playing games and feigning ignorance would be tiring. 

"It may be hard to believe but," you gulped down in an attempt to hide every fear that might seep from you. "After passing out like that, the nightmares had become horrifyingly vivid. It got more understandable, subsequent even. All those after you came so when I'm with you I always struggle in keeping myself sane." You said, saving the part where he's a prominent figure of the nightmare itself. You figured you don't have much strength to say that yet.

"Hm," Erwin acknowledged. "When did your nightmares start?"

"Since childhood."

"What were the nightmares like?"

"Violent. The setting's not changing at all."

"At all? You've been dreaming of nothing but that?"

"I have other dreams from time to time but it's rare. There are also instances when I don't remember what I dreamt of, I just know it's about that because I woke up feeling horrible and nauseous."

"Would you mind expounding about the nightmares? What's it all about?"

"I—" You tried, you really did but a lump in your throat suddenly stopped you. You tried to calm yourself down by heaving a sigh but to no avail. You tried swallowing down only to have it back with more intensity. You can almost feel your body going on full alert as if this is a life and death moment. The breaths are getting ragged, and your heart is beating faster.

"Hm?" He hummed, encouraging you to answer. When he glanced at you, though, he finally realized what was up. “You don’t have to force yourself if you can’t.”

“No,” You shakily said, eyes down the ground. “I-I could.”

“Breathe properly first then think again.”

And so you pondered on it. You feel like if you tell this man beside you about this, everything in this world would crumble down into nothingness. The dust, the air, the people, their desires, and their fears – all of it are going to be replaced with a life entrapped with walls and giants. And this gentle, gentle man whose scent can be deemed intoxicating, his playful and subtle smiles, his sly remarks and actions, his hair sided neatly, and the glasses that he wears on a few occasions standing as the final touch to his nobleness — all of him would be replaced with grim emptiness, with death, and with utter desperation to change your lives — and you don't want that. You want him to stay as someone whose smile can be easily reached and even if it can be terribly annoying, you want him to continue being the person who can be humored with simple and stupid things. You can say all of this to anyone if you want to, to a stranger even, but saying it to him would mean the most because his counterpart, the Scouting Regiment soldier Erwin Smith, was the center of your life in that world. He's the one you hated the most, the one you’re forcibly drawn to, the one who introduced you to a literal hell, and the one you had to understand the most so you could embody the will of your brother.

"I'm not ready to say everything yet." You trembled. "I'm afraid I'd finally lose myself and that world would take over me. It would replace the world I'm in."

"But it won't. It can never replace this world."

You finally sighed down, "As annoying as you can be and as worse my life can ever be, I want everyone to stay this way; humored and indulged with the simplest things."

You turned to him again and saw a small smile as he turned into another road. Despite the subtlety of his expression, his eyes were wistful and poignant. It's the very same face that flashed in your dream as he apologized for what happened, how he won't hesitate to pay for his sins — that dream you wish to have again. 

"Erwin," You absentmindedly remarked. He raised his brows at the loss of honorifics, and you were quite surprised as well that you released a snort, "Oh no. Spare me on this one."

"As if I heard you address me properly since I came here." He tutted wryly. "Continue."

In an attempt to brush away the heavy thoughts, you asked. "If there's another world existing than this one, would you believe it?"

"I believe there is."

"How so?"

He looked at you then. "If a world constantly shows itself before you, don't you think it's just like any other being begging to be recognized?"

You widened your eyes and stiffened in your seat. "How do you know…"

"Just a story prompt." He cut you off. "Can you write it for me?"

"Oh," Your body untensed and a sigh followed. "I'm not sure I can do that."

"But you already did with your dream about the three."

"It's just a small fragment, not enough for that story prompt."

"That's why I'm asking you to do it on a wider premise. Remember when you told me you felt better writing it? That's because you're setting that nightmare free by acknowledging its existence."

"I don't remember acknowledging its existence."

"You already did. To write how that nightmare affected you is one part." You raised your brows at him, asking to expound. He pushed the gear lever before continuing. "Affection, positive or not, is always evoked by something existent. Whether you see it as a real thing or not, the fact that it made you feel something means that it exists."

You weren't able to reply and pondered how he was right. You were able to live with these nightmares by denying their existence. Your objective was to disregard and deem it as nothing. That's what everyone tells you to do as well and now that you think of it, it’s the same reason why you end up terribly ruined whenever it comes in its full form.

But Erwin, the very man heavily present in that world, is telling you to acknowledge its being. With that realization and the way he agreed to your question earlier, you confirmed that he knows something. You’re not ready to know how much and are so thankful he’s not pressing it on you, but the way you’re having a logical person say that there’s something beyond this world so easily encourages you to do the same.

"So, can you write it?"

"I don't–" You were about to say you don't want to but halted yourself as he made sense and it'd be a waste to just disregard it. You've been looking for a way to move forward after all. "I don't know yet, but I'll think about it."

"Make sure to think about it seriously since I'm the one who asked for it."

You huffed at the remark. "Yeah, you can be quiet now. Don't make me think otherwise."

He really did and so you subtly smiled in satisfaction. Upon looking out the window, you realized that this is the time of the day when you get afraid to death because sleep might be another day outside the walls. Erwin made another turn and you realized you’ll be reaching your house soon.

He called your name again so you turned your head at him quickly. "What about this," He started as he pulled on the gear lever. "Tell me all about your dreams," He made the last turn on your street. "And I'll tell you mine."

As if it's a terrifying spell, time stopped before you. The only ones that continued to move were you and him. It’s as if a primal fear struck you right after he dropped the last syllable of his remark. You thought he could bring this to you slowly, and deep inside you still genuinely hope he wasn’t having the exact same thing happening to you. He had it. Oh god. He really had it, a voice in your head screamed. Coming to terms with whatever he knows went back to square one just like that.

He turned at you casually, gently, as if he didn't say something so horrifying. "We're here," Erwin said, and with his ever tranquil voice and figure, he called your name again. "I wish you a good sleep without nightmares tonight."

previous chapter | next chapter

thank you again, @temariskadi! :D

saw this after publishing this chapter and realized that i somewhat characterized erwin like this. definitely one of the rarest moments where i feel thankful for my imagination.

[bakagamieru]

I don't think people are mad because of harry still being sad about zayn or whatever it is between them. Public image or offical narrative you name it but for some reason it's ALWAYS zayn who gets talked shit about and people at their "enough!" point me inclueded. 90% of theblogs I follow here are always critical about what's going on but after 5 years you want somethings to left behind. And at this point I can't help but ask would this mess still going on after all this time if it was not zayn?

General

There is every reason to believe that Zayn leaving is a stunt and that none of the boys ever had a problem with each other.  I’ve explained that in many previous posts, and the explanation takes up a lot of space, so I’m not doing it again here.  You can check out those posts in my Zayn Stunt Summary here: https://bakagamieru.tumblr.com/post/120840259353/zayn-stunt-summary

I think it helps to visualize this situation as a siege.  The human psyche is rather suggestible.  Even for strong, confident, self-assured personalities, it can be difficult to hold up against constantly being told the same lie from every quarter.  Sooner or later, people who are repeatedly told lies start to believe them, unless they’re very lucky, very aware, and very careful.  That’s the whole concept of gaslighting.  This has also been shown in psychological experiments where people have eventually been convinced they’ve broken bones that they never have just because they keep being told they have over and over.  

That’s why it’s important with this situation to keep reminding ourselves of the hard facts and work through every new development logically.  That’s how we survive the siege and stop ourselves from getting hypnotized into believing negative things about the boys just because we’re told negative things over and over again.

Direct Answer

I think the current badmouthing is about a sick and twisted promo strategy that all of their teams seem to share.

I suspect there would be a lot more negativity from Zayn’s side if he had proper promo.  No promo, no appearances, no performances, no interviews = no opportunity for badmouthing.  

Also, keep in mind that there are 4 people that can potentially badmouth Zayn, while Zayn is only 1 person to badmouth the other boys.  That’s obviously going to lead to more vitriol directed at Zayn than at the other boys.

Those two things (lack of promo, 4 v. 1 scenario) are probably part of the reason everything seems so unbalanced.

There’s also the fact that Zayn was cast as the villain from the beginning.  In the post I linked, you can find a post I made about why there were multiple reasons for that and why Zayn was actually the only person among the boys that could have been put in that role during this stunt.  Is there probably some racism involved in that?  Yes.  Is part of the reason that people are so willing to believe the worst about Zayn linked to unconscious racism?  Quite possibly, yes.

I know it sucks to see other people buying the negativity and feel like there’s nothing you can do about it.  The only thing I can say is that if you’re surrounded by negativity, it’s very difficult to see anything but the negative side of a situation.  

I prefer to think that most of the fans have been taken in by a targeted psychological strategy that relies more on repetitive misdirection than that most of the fans are blatantly racist.  And I really do believe that’s true.  I believe a lot of this type of racism is unconscious bias and that one day, hopefully a lot of people with these unconscious biases will at least become aware they have them and work towards trying to fix them.  

But no, in general I don’t think this negativity is still going on only because it’s Zayn.  I think it’s still going on because old 1DHQ still want it to be going on and keeps stirring the pot to make sure it does.  I think this is still going on because old 1DHQ still has some sort of hold on 1D’s public images, because the “feud” drama is being used for promo, and because the situation can’t really be fully resolved until the hiatus ends (and I predicted that before the hiatus began).  I had hoped that we might at least get friendly Zayn and 1D even before a reunion, but apparently that’s too much to ask for from the evil 1D overlords.

I, too, feel like shit every time this unnecessary negativity rears its ugly head. However, you have to either find a way to accept and move past it (which I do through reminding myself of the truth via logic) or you might need to remove yourself from the negativity.  If it’s dragging you down constantly, consider unfollowing blogs that post the news that upsets you or blocking the most common tags on the posts that upset you.  I know being told to ignore a bad situation isn’t the best, but for your mental health, it’s either that or finding a way to fight back that makes you feel better.

Showy = Putting on a Show

To me, the drama of this “feud” is just another reason to believe that nothing IS actually going on between Harry and Zayn.  Nothing bad anyway.  

When something is constantly being pushed in your face, it’s generally because someone wants you to see it.  More often than not, the things that are really scandalous are hidden in the entertainment industry and it’s the huge dramatic “feuds” that are constantly in the news that end up being all an act.

Character

Maybe I wear rose-colored glasses, but I’d like to think I’m a decent judge of character.  None of the boys are rude or spiteful enough to keep taking potshots, especially to gang up on one particular person, for years and years after a fight.

It takes a certain maturity to survive with as much grace as the boys have managed in the entertainment industry, and that sort of maturity should also lend itself towards mending a relationship after an argument / learning how to move on from an argument that can’t be fixed.

Former Friend vs. Foe 

Yes, there have been a few public scuffles with other celebs in the past, such as the Wanted, but that situation is different simply because no 1D boys were ever close to any of the Wanted.  A fight with a near-stranger is very different from a fight with someone you’ve called your brother on multiple occasions. 

The closer the people who are fighting are, the more emotional it is and the more hurt people get.  Being more emotional means being more likely to be very angry, but being more hurt means that you aren’t as likely to want to broadcast that very vulnerable, private feeling.  You’re more likely to want to shun the topic with strangers than vent about it, if you’re any sort of a private person.

If we know nothing else, we at least know for sure that Zayn and the other boys were very, very good friends.  You can’t fake the way they were together for the amount of time they were together.

It Was a Single Fight Supposedly

The story is that none of the boys are really in contact with Zayn, so according to that narrative, it’s not like there are ongoing clashes that keep any of the boys feeling like they need to keep commenting negatively about Zayn.  If you’re continually butting heads, it might make sense to keep complaining about the situation, but that’s not what we’re being told is happening.  We’ve essentially been told that there was 1 fight years ago and that’s been it aside from a small amount of supposed back and forth, almost entirely in print interviews initially.

Time and Common Decency

It’s been almost 5 YEARS.  What person with any sense of decency keeps bringing up a fight at every public appearance that happened 5 YEARS ago?  

That would be like getting in a fight with your good friend and then badmouthing them publicly at every gathering of your mutual friends for years.  No matter who was in the right originally, you’re just a jackass at that point.

Talking about something in private and complaining is one thing, but doing it in public?  That’s entirely different.  And the more time that passes, the more ridiculous it is.

Relevancy

Zayn isn’t even really relevant to any of the boys’ solo careers, so it doesn’t particularly make sense for him to be brought up over and over.  

This might be because the interviewers can’t seem to move on from 5 years ago, asking constantly about when the band is getting back together, if they’re getting back together, how is it different having a solo career, etc.  It’s been 5 YEARS.  Those questions have been asked and answered ad nauseam and it’s not like those answers have changed over time.  

Sorry, got a bit off track complaining about interviewers… Anyway, it might just be the interviewers being unoriginal, but their team clearly hasn’t blacklisted the topic which would be a more sensible and classy way to handle things given the situation and the amount of time that’s passed.  There’s no need to talk about Zayn at all really, and yet it keeps coming up.  It just makes all of them look bad, which shouldn’t be the image their teams want for them, and yet…apparently something is more important.

The Promo Connection

More than that, it specifically always seems to come up during promo, for better or worse.  Sometimes the mentions are more positive, but most of the time the narrative takes a sharp turn to the aggressively negative overnight. 

After ranging from positive to neutral when talking about Zayn for years, suddenly during Liam’s first round of promo, things turned quite negative (e.g., wouldn’t save Zayn if he were drowning) and again during this current round of promo (e.g., guess I can talk about this honestly now, etc.).  

After supposedly reconciling about 3 different times (while apparently having no contact positive or negative at all during these years?), Louis’ feelings on Zayn are apparently very negative (e.g. we’re too immature to ever make up) during this current round of promo.  

After not talking about Zayn at all, Harry was suddenly negative during his first round of promo (I think it was the Rolling Stone print interview, but I’m not sure) and brought it up negatively again, unprompted, during this round of promo on SNL.  

It’s not like Zayn ever HAS promo anymore, but when he does have interviews, there’s generally some sort of dig at One Direction somehow (pretty much all print interviews, of course).  

The only one to escape the pattern is Niall, but Teflon Niall is a real thing, enough said. 

It’s ALWAYS during promo for a single or album that things get nasty again.   My best guess is that their teams think that the “feud” = drama = attention = sales.  To me, it seems dumb, repetitive, unrealistic, etc., but I guess a casual fan or the general public wouldn’t follow everything they do, so it’s not as repetitive to that type of consumer.

Conclusion

I am 100% aware of how exhausting, frustrating, and infuriating this whole situation is.  There’s no need for the negativity, it makes no sense, it paints all of the boys in a bad light, it basically requires someone to assume the worst of Zayn in order to believe any of it, and yet there are tons of people who still do believe all of it without any critical thought.

This is why I still write posts like these over and over again.  I have to get those negative emotions out somehow, and the best way for me to feel better is by countering the official narrative by using logic.  It reassures me that even though I’m made to feel like crap about the situation, my initial and continuing judgments about the situation haven’t been wrong.  If you remind yourself of the actual proven characters of the people involved and work things out logically, it’s not dire like all the negativity makes it feel.

When things are loud, they tend to be for show.  That’s what this all is.  This negativity is for show, which means it’s not real.

TLDR;

The fact that there’s still so much public negativity between the boys and Zayn is unrealistic, and therefore suspicious, because:

the boys are too good to be acting like this

this supposed fight would be too intimate and painful to bandy about publicly like this

supposedly the boys haven’t been in contact and so all of this is over a single fight that happened 5 years ago

the boys are too smart to not know that acting like this makes them look bad

their teams have to be in favor of the badmouthing because otherwise they could easily have just not talked about it at all

there’s generally a sharp increase in negativity when one of the boys has single or album promo

there’s more badmouthing of Zayn because it’s framed as 4 v. 1 and also Zayn never has any promo

My conclusion from these points (and also from previous facts and experience) is that the badmouthing isn’t because 1D and Zayn want to be badmouthing each other.  Rather, the drama of the “feud” is being used for promo and possibly other purposes.  I firmly believe that if there were a real falling out, the 1D boys would have handled it far more gracefully than this, given the chance.  

I suppose it’s possible that there was a real fight and that the boys were forced to handle it ungracefully by their team, but I would point to Occam’s Razor.  The simplest explanation that fits ALL the facts related to this situation (from the time of Zayn leaving through now) is that Zayn was forced out of 1D as a stunt and that there was never an actual feud between Zayn and the rest of the boys.

So yes, this situation sucks, but no, I don’t blame either side for it because there are NO sides when there is no actual fight.  I blame old 1DHQ and I blame society in general and I blame the ignorance of the general public.  But I’m not here for them, I’m here for 1D, so I keep my head down and keep waiting for things to get good again.

[trylonandperisphere]

Article text:

How Much Do We Need The Police?

June 3, 20207:59 AM ET

LEAH DONNELLA

One effect of the widespread protests across U.S. cities this week has been to renew discussions of what role the police should play in society.

For many Americans, it goes without saying that the police are critical in maintaining public safety. Have an emergency? Call the police. But many others — especially black people and poor people — have long countered that the police pose more of a threat to their safety than a boon. See a police officer? Walk in the other direction.

So it seems like a good moment to talk to Alex S. Vitale. He's the author of the 2017 book The End of Policing. In it, he argues that rather than focus on police reform or officer retraining, the country needs to reconsider fundamentally what it is the police should be doing at all.

I spoke with Vitale about what roles police should and shouldn't play, what he makes of the current protests and what actual change in the way police in this country do their jobs might look like. Our conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

One of the arguments you make in The End of Policing is that police are being asked to do too much. They're basically being tasked with addressing every social problem that we have. So what are police asked to do? And what should they be asked to do?

One of the problems that we're encountering here is this massive expansion in the scope of policing over the last 40 years or so. Policing is now happening in our schools. It's happening in relation to the problems of homelessness, untreated mental illness, youth violence and some things that we historically associate police with.

But the policing has become more intensive, more invasive, more aggressive. So what I'm calling for is a rethink on why we've turned all of these social problems over to the police to manage. And as we dial those things back, then we can think more concretely about what the rest of policing should look like and how that could be reformed.

You brought up homelessness. In many cities police are tasked with dealing with people experiencing homelessness — but they don't have many options besides basically moving people or arresting them.

Well, we've created this situation where our political leaders have basically abandoned the possibility of actually housing people. Which, of course, is the real solution, supportive housing for those who need extra support. But basically, we have a massive failure in housing markets that is unable to provide basic shelter for millions of Americans.

So instead of actually addressing that fundamental problem, we have relabeled it as a problem that is the fault of the disorderly people who we label as morally deficient. And then we use police to criminalize them, to control their behavior and to reduce their disorderly impact on the rest of us. And this is perverse and unjust. So then it places police in this completely untenable situation, because they completely lack the tools to make this problem any better. And yet we've told them it's their problem to manage.

Part of our misunderstanding about the nature of policing is we keep imagining that we can turn police into social workers. That we can make them nice, friendly community outreach workers. But police are violence workers. That's what distinguishes them from all other government functions. ... They have the legal capacity to use violence in situations where the average citizen would be arrested.

So when we turn a problem over to the police to manage, there will be violence, because those are ultimately the tools that they are most equipped to utilize: handcuffs, threats, guns, arrests. That's what really is at the root of policing. So if we don't want violence, we should try to figure out how to not get the police involved.

There are obviously a lot of people who agree broadly with the notion that the way that policing happens in this country is a problem and that there needs to be some sort of change. But they're pretty invested in the idea that police are needed to maintain public safety. People ask the question, without police, what do you do when someone gets murdered? What do you do when someone's house gets robbed? What do you say to those people who have those concerns?

Well, I'm certainly not talking about any kind of scenario where tomorrow someone just flips a switch and there are no police. What I'm talking about is the systematic questioning of the specific roles that police currently undertake, and attempting to develop evidence-based alternatives so that we can dial back our reliance on them. And my feeling is that this encompasses actually the vast majority of what police do. We have better alternatives for them.

Even if you take something like burglary — a huge amount of burglary activity is driven by drug use. And we need to completely rethink our approach to drugs so that property crime isn't the primary way that people access drugs. We don't have any part of this country that has high-quality medical drug treatment on demand. But we have policing on demand everywhere. And it's not working.

Obviously, a big part of what is on people's minds right now is the role that police have in dealing with protesters, dealing with different types of political unrest. In your book, you talk a lot about the history of how police have been used to quell social unrest. Can you talk about that history a little bit?

Well, I think that one of the myths we have about policing is that it is politically neutral, and that it is always here to sort of create order in a way that benefits everyone. But the reality is that America's social order has never been entirely equitable. We have a long history of exploitation of the Indigenous population, of African Americans through slavery, Jim Crow and today.

And while we're not using police to manage slavery or colonialism today, we are using police to manage the problems that our very unequal system has produced. We're invested in this kind of austerity politics that says the government can't afford to really do anything to lift people up. We have to put all our resources into subsidizing the already most successful parts of the economy. But those parts of the economy are producing this huge group of people who are homeless, unemployed, have untreated mental health and substance abuse problems. And then we ask the police to put a lid on those problems — to manage them so they don't interfere with the "order" that we're supposedly all benefiting from.

But if you're one of those poor people, one of those folks with a mental health problem, someone who's involved in black market activities to survive, then you experience this as constant criminalization.

And would you say the same goes for people who are political protesters?

Political protest has always been a part of this dynamic, right? Political protests are a threat to the order of this system. And so policing has always been the primary tool for managing those threats to the public order. Just as we understand the use of police to deal with homelessness as a political failure, every time we turn a political order problem over to the police to manage, that's also a political failure. I think the mayor of Minneapolis, for instance: Jacob Frey. He has consistently tried to frame this as a problem of a few bad apples. And he says, "Why are you protesting? We fired them." But this completely misunderstands the nature of the grievances. And instead of actually addressing those grievances, he's throwing police at the problem.

Are the interactions that are happening right now between police and protesters something that you think is predictable? Or is this something new that we haven't seen before?

It's not completely new; it's just the intensity of it compared [with], let's say, five years ago during the Eric Garner and the Mike Brown protests. What we're seeing is really an immediate escalation to very high levels of force, a high degree of confrontation.

And I think part of it is driven by deep frustration within policing, which is that police feel under assault, and they have no answer. They trotted out all the possible solutions: police-community dialogue sessions, implicit bias training, community policing, body cameras. And it just didn't work. It didn't make any difference. And so they ran out of excuses.

So the protests today are a much more kind of existential threat to the police. And the police are overreacting as a result.

If we were to take serious steps toward moving in the direction of having police address fewer of our social problems and putting those problems in the hands of people who are actually more equipped to deal with them, what would be the next step? What is the next thing that we as a country have to push for?

I think this will look like a series of local budget battles. And that's really what's going on across the country, is when we have these divest campaigns in places like Los Angeles and Minneapolis and New York and Durham, N.C., and Nashville, Tenn., and Dallas, Texas. These are folks who are saying concretely: "We don't want police in our schools. We want that money spent in ways that help our children, not criminalize them. We don't want more money for overtime for narcotics officers. We want actual drug treatment programs, safe injection facilities, things that will help people." So that's what this looks like. It's about rallying city council members and mayors around a new vision of creating healthier communities.

When you're looking around at what's happening right now, what are the things that you think people need to understand to really process what is going on around the country?

Well, I think the police are making the argument for us, right? People started this conversation by saying policing is out of control; they're not making the situation better. They have not been reformed. Well, now all you have to do is turn on the nightly news and see how true that is.

The level of aggression and unnecessary escalation is stark evidence of how unreformed policing is, and I argue how unreformable it is. The question is whether or not people will take it to the next step and ask the tough political questions. Why are our mayors turning this over to the police to manage? Why are we using curfews instead of having conversations? Why are we throwing protesters in prison instead of trying to figure out what's driving all of this anger?