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#and just screaming into the void abt how good it was
nintendc64 · 24 hours
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why is trying to form human connections as an adult just an impossible task. both reaching out to old friends and trying to make new ones. am I doing something wrong
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abirdscry · 2 months
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i hope that, when i sing, you feel it. my love for you stains every word. every line sung softly under my breathe is a desperate plea for you to know im thinking of you and i care. i dont know how to show my love, but i know how to carry you in song. its not just music; its my soul, raw and bare, reaching out to hold you, burning in your light. i dont share my voice often or lightly, but, for you, id cry a million melodies and let them float across the sea. i hope you hear them. i hope you feel loved.
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fukounaboy · 11 months
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Ifeeltired
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antifragi1e · 1 year
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hmmmmmmm i wanna cry
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be-good-to-bugs · 3 months
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WOW i am way overemotional lately
#the bin#makes sense since im suddenly living with my mom and 4 different siblings after almost 2 years#and everything here is extremely different. ive been SO overemotional the past few days especially. but ive also been sick so ofc i have#bleh. im aglad that it doenst bleed into my behavior around people much. esp with irl stuff#i still treat my siblings nicely and dont like. flip out for no reason. i have 1 useful skill and its this lol#but itss good i have it because i am pretty much always an emotional wreck bc ny life sucks and has sucked for its entirety#i dont think its ever not sucked. like even when i was a baby. i dont remember being a baby but i do know that when i was a baby my parents#neglected me so. i guess my kufe has just always been bad. but hey. at least im still nice to other people. unlike literally everyone else#i know who when tehyre in a bad mood they go SO mean. but in (most) of their defense they are traumatized children so like. fair enough#ur going through it and we all process stuff different. i bet its nice to have a brain that feels safe to express that stuff haha#i think abt how awful i always feel and how hard doing anything is a lot and i relaly think that if i had friends things would be ok for me#i cant helo that im psychotic or that i have a bunch of physically painful disabilities or any of that but i think i coupd deal with it all#and feel ok if i just had like. any person who i was friends with. i dont have anyone at all and i havent for a long time. no wonder i feel#like shit 100% of the time and im constantly overwhelmed and upset and panicing and all my mental illnesses are unbearable#like. no wonder i have wanted to die nonstop since the age of 11. yeah no shit. everything has been fucking horrible thus far and i dont#have any freinds that make being alive worth it#someone should give me a good peize for not being dead right now bc god. evwry second of every day that im awake its so hard#lol no wonder i immediately developed a drug addiction. hey man its better than being so miserable you wanna die literally all the time#at least there SOMETHING that turns it off for awhile. hate when people act like addiction is the worst thing in the world#maybe the thing people develop addictions to cope with is worse actually. and that needs solved first or else whats the point#oh but my opinion doenst matter apparently bc im just a cRaZy DeLuSiOnAl AdDiCt and my opinion cant be trusted#bleh. whatever. at least i have my tumblr posts that are veey rareky even seen by other people to scream into the void whatever im upset abt#thats almost like talking to another person
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professionaljester · 8 months
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googling: is there something wrong with me bc when i wake up i’m so depressed in the morning i wanna kms
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applesooyoung · 2 months
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thinking about jake that acts like a dork around you🤕🤕 i truly agree with the puppy jake oral fixation agenda so i wanted to like scream into the void more abt subby jake.. i would like to think that whether your busy or just wanna tease him, instead of indulging in his needs you just tell him to hump your leg n he happily obliges cus he’s so desperate n needy. RAGGHH
like one night you two are just lounging around and he just happens to be big spoon and while your scrolling on social media or wdv,, u start feel him softly rut against you n you hear him start to pant in your ear like a pathetic loser AAGGHHH 😵‍💫
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Only if you guys know how much I love this man...I WANNA RAIL HIM SO FUCKING BAD >:[
. . — headcanon ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ PLEASE REBLOG! spam likes = blocked .˚ ꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆ ✶
BACK TO: [ 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 / 𝐧𝐚𝐯 ]
I honestly don't care how many Jake hard thoughts you guys would give me or thoughts that I make myself because I will never shut up about this man being the subbiest of the subbiest and the goodest of the goodest puppy boy there is and I don't care if anyone of y'all disagrees 💯. I mean how could you hate that pretty face? He deserves to be treated like a good pup and fucked real good like the little cum dump doggy he is.
There are so many occasions where he just gets randomly but since he's a trained boy, he asks for your help so you found a way to help him relieve himself: humping. He's so crazy about it too like if you're away from home and he's horny, he'd sneak into your room just to hump your pillows; you're driving? He'd hump and grind on your other hand.
God, even in public spaces like if you're in a cramped train, he would grab on you and gently dry humps you on your ass "Are we near yet? P-Please I need to be touched right n-now" he'd whimper quietly while you continue to grab him by the waist and discreetly grind on his growing cock. Oh! And I like to think that he has this special talent of finishing untouched like please has such a high sex drive and at the same time he's so sensitive >>> It just proves my point that he's such a sensitive little puppy with a pathetic cock.
© applesooyoung
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mamawasatesttube · 1 year
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the thing abt early timkon (yj-era) is that they never disliked each other. they liked each other so much! it's "i like this guy i think he's overall competent and a good asset to my team and he's nice to be around most of the time. BUT ALSO sometimes he opens his mouth and i just wanna stuff my boot in it", which to me is overall a MUCH funnier dynamic than just rivals or whatever.
like. they're 15 and all they know how to do is bicker like an old married couple. kon tries to do something nice for tim and tim's pissed because he thinks kon is calling him incompetent. tim opens his mouth and kon's like oh my god shut up im gonna put you through a WALL. a third party insults either of them and theyre both like what the FUCK did you say about my bestie i'm gonna kick your ass!!!!!!
it's their "get out of my school" era. the "picking on you to get your attention" era. the "stealing your food just to piss you off teehee >:3c whatre you gonna do about it?" era. and yet they'll also doze off on each other's shoulders on the sofa. they contain multitudes. (every multitude is a stupid teenager, screaming endlessly into the void.)
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No I’m sorry Y’all I’m seriously still so fucking pissed off abt this episode, and I have to scream into the digital void about everything wrong with it and how downright mocking it felt or I’m gonna EXPLODE-
FIRST OFF, MY BIGGEST FUCKING ISSUE. Moon, near the end, says that “Bad people are bad people, no matter what dimension it is” or something similar.
HOW THE FUCK DOES SOLAR EXIST THEN, HM?
BECAUSE IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, SOLAR STARTED AS “NICE ECLIPSE”, BUT WAIT.. HOW CAN THAT BE POSSIBLE WHEN “BAD PEOPLE STAY BAD, NO MATTER THE DIMENSION”??? CAUSE I’M PRETTY FUCKING SURE ECLIPSE WAS BAD WHEN THAT HAPPENED, AND SOLAR WAS A GOOD VARIANT OF ECLIPSE.
YOUR LOGIC FALLS COMPLETELY, FUCKING, FLAT.
IF SOLAR, A GOOD ECLIPSE CAN EXIST, WHY IS IT SOOOOOO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE FOR A GOOD BLOODMOON TO EXIST? HM? ANSWER ME THAT, HYPOCRITE.
THE ONLY FUCKING REASON, THEY WERE EVEN CONSIDERED “GOOD”, WAS BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T KILL. SOMETHING THEY ORIGINALLY, HAD TO FUCKING DO OR ELSE THEIR INSATIABLE BLOODLUST, WHICH WAS HARDWIRED INTO THEM, WOULD FORCE THEM TO GO AND KILL BECAUSE IT WAS PAINFUL TO IGNORE IT.
AND DON’T EVEN FUCKING GET ME STARTED ON HOW DISRESPECTFUL THIS FELT TO ANYONE WHO WAS (REASONABLY) PISSED OFF ABOUT HOW BLOODMOON’S CHARACTER WAS HANDLED, AND THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAD AN ATTACHMENT TO HIM???
THIS WAS THE DEFINITION OF “If I give you what you want, will you fuck off?”
THE WRITERS, (probably fucking Davis), JUST TOSSED SOMETHING BLOODMOON RELATED AT THE FANDOM, TO GET US TO STOP CRITICIZING HOW HORRIBLY THEY HANDLED BLOODMOON AS A CHARACTER.
THEY JUST CHUCKED IT AT US, AND BASICALLY SAID; “Fuck off already, look, they can NEVER be actually good, they’ll always be bad, now stop whining”.
WE LITERALLY SAW THAT THEY COULD BE ATLEAST DOCILE-ISH IN A WAY, BACK WHEN THEY VERY BRIEFLY LIVED WITH FOXY AND FC. FOXY THOUGHT OF A WAY TO KEEP THEIR BLOODLUST AT BAY, THEY HAD ENTERTAINMENT IN THE FORM OF THE BOUNCY CHICK, AND THEY ACTUALLY SEEMED KINDA OKAY WITH LIVING THERE.
BUT NOOOOOOOO, THE FUCKING WRITERS GAVE US A GLIMPSE OF WHAT A VAST MAJORITY OF THE FANDOM WANTED, AND IMMEDIATELY RIPPED IT AWAY LIKE 3 OR 2 DAYS LATER BY HAVING THEM BOTH ABRUPTLY GO AFTER FOXY, AND HARVEST GOT FUCKING KILLED.
THEY WERE FUCKING DEPENDENT ON EACHOTHER TO SURVIVE AND FUNCTION, THEY WERE LITERALLY EACHOTHER’S OTHER HALF. WE CAN CLEARLY SEE THIS WHEN BLOODMOON IS STRUGGLING WITH PLANNING AND CALCUTION, BECAUSE THE OTHER TWIN HANDLED IT. THE OTHER TWIN KNEW HOW TO PLAN, AND CALCULATE SHIT FOR THEIR PLANS, THE REMAINING TWIN WAS THE BRAWN, AND THE OTHER WAS THE BRAIN IN SIMPLE TERMS.
AND DOUBLE DON’T GET ME STARTED ON HOW BLOODMOON WAS LITERALLY HARASSED AFTER HIS BROTHER WAS KILLED???
MONTY AND PUPPET, BOTH, FORCED BLOODMOON TO SIT ON THEIR STUPID LITTLE FUCKING PODCAST, AND PROBED HIM WITH ENDLESS QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS BROTHER.
FOR FUCKS SAKE, MONTY’S FIRST WORDS AFTER THE TIMESKIP WERE “How’s it feel bein’ an only sibling?” OR SOMETHING INCREDIBLY SIMILAR, AND YES, I’LL GIVE PUPPET SOME CREDIT, SHE SEEMED A TINY BIT DISAPPOINTED WITH MONTY FOR OPENING WITH THAT, BUT LIKE 5 OR SO MINUTES LATER, SHE WAS PLAYING THE FUCKING DEATH OF BLOODMOON’S BROTHER, ON FUCKING LOOP, AND EXPECTED HIM TO WATCH.
AND THEN THEY HAVE THE GALL TO CALL THEIR COMMUNITY, ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS THEY CAN EVEN HAVE SUCCESS FROM THEIR CHANNELS, CRAZY, FOR THINKING THAT THEY WENT TOO FAR, AND HAVING EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF SYMPATHY OR EMPATHY FOR BLOODMOON.
THEY CLAIM WE’RE INSANE FOR HAVING BASIC HUMAN REACTIONS TO SEEING SOMEONE LOSE A LOVED ONE.
THEY CLAIM WE’RE MENTALLY UNSTABLE FOR SYMPATHIZING WITH THE TWINS AND THEIR TRAUMA, WHICH MIGHT I ADD IS NEVER FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED??
IF ECLIPSE IS ABLE TO HAVE A REDEMPTION ARC, BECAUSE HE’S “NOT THE SAME PERSON”, AND “A CLONE”, WHY IS IT SO IMPOSSIBLE THAT THE TWINS, WHO ALSO WEREN’T THE SAME PEOPLE, AND WERE ALSO CLONES, TO BE EVEN SLIGHTLY REDEEMED??
I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF THEY WERE STILL KILLERS, IT WAS STILL HARDWIRED INTO THEM, IN BOTH ITERATIONS.
I’m not going to touch how predatory Ruin was with them back in October right now, or ever, because I’m honestly appalled that the writers WENT THERE with their script.
Every fucking argument made in this stupid fucking mockery of a video falls flat, and directly conflicts with past fully canon information, and I’m fucking pissed.
on a lighter note, more (JUSTIFIED) complaints about the loan-shark!twins;
OKAY WHY THE FUCK DID THEY SEPARATE THEM INTO “BLOOD” AND “MOON”, COULDN’T THEY HAVE ATLEAST TRIED TO CONNECT WITH THEIR COMMUNITY AND USE ONE OF THE MANY RENAMES WE’VE HAD? BLOODY AND HARVEST, SYTHE AND HATCHET, CRIMSON AND MAROON TO NAME A FEW, BUT “BLOOD” AND “MOON”??? GOD HOW FUCKING DISCONNECTED CAN THEY BE?? THERE’S ALSO ALREADY A MOON THAT EXISTS, SO HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK? HOW CONFUSING DOES IT GET WHEN THEY’RE IN THE SAME ROOM AND SOMEONE SAYS “MOON”, BUT ONLY MEANS ONE OF THEM???
And then the sheer fact that they were literally traumatized by the thought of drinking blood- like I’m sorry but that is NOT enough to traumatize anyone, unless they have like, a crippling phobia of blood. Hemophobia or something like that I think. And considering they say they “bleed people dry” (financially), I don’t think they have a fear of blood, or they wouldn’t use the saying-
So there ya have it, me, in the dark, at 10:33PM on a Friday night in July, on the 26th, writing a whole ass essay assignment because of how PISSED OFF one single episode made me.
I’m gonna go die now. (For legal reasons I mean go to bed /Gen)
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Can i request an ADA x teen!reader ( platonic ofc ) where reader lives in a very toxic house w an abusive father but all the ADA member start to worrying abt them and think something is wrong bc they always come back with injuries and they finally decide to do something after that reader just broke down and they comfort them
:( i need some comfort so yea if its ok ofc u can skip it have a nice day ♡♡♡
Sorry this took some time anon, thank you for requesting, I wouldn't dare skip it. I hope you’re doing alright, you're never alone know that. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for ya.
TW// mentions of abuse, blood, child neglect
Word count: 2k
Just angst and sad weather. Hope its good for my first BSD fic.
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A soft breeze filled with springs essence flowed gently into the quaint office placed atop the red bricked building. It wasn’t much to look at, not really, other than its red exterior taking the eyes attention for a split second, there wasn’t much else to it.
Unless one was aware of its top floored residence. Quite the loud bunch many would complain. Always someone shouting and screaming about tardiness, unsettling comments about severing limbs, and often other occupants would notice a trail of emptied snack bags leading to the office. Simply a place to stay away from.
Now that was what you called home. 
The hums of the crowded streets played out in a symphony in front of you, just another side walk to cross and you were home. Home .. If the word stayed on your tongue for too long it might lose it meaning, or worse, become sour in taste. 
That top floor, was home. It had only been maybe 8 months since you began working there as an assistant. The Armed Detective Agency, the name really says all there was to it. The work wasnt too difficult, after all, you were a hardworker and you’ve been working your whole life one way or another. The president had made some adjustiments to your workload considering you were still a high school student. Of course you adamantly expressed your capabilities, but underneath it all, you were relieved. 
The breeze grazed your face and ruffled your hair, adding more knots into it after you had done so much to ensure it looked perfect, like nothing had happened. You sighed with a hint of ire plaguing not just your voice but your eyes. Perhaps holding your tongue could have granted you another hour or two of sleep. Alas, thinking of such what if’s was something you slowly learned to block out. It was pointless to fantisize of what could be anyhow.
You continued to fix your hair as you walked up the stairs, soon reaching the gates to your heaven with the oh so familiar sign positioned at the door. You hesitated briefly even as the sign urged you to come in just as the Earth welcomed rain. Thoughts began to overwhelm you. Mornings were never easy. You weren’t a sunflower waiting to greet the sun as the sun showers you with blessings and you return its gift with a smile. It was always terrifying. He was terrifying.
No matter what you did, no matter how hard you tried, you would never be enough to satisfy his will. At times, that thought alone shot bolts of desperation throughout your body, like an injured animal finding some way to stop the bleeding. What were you so desperate for? Home. It’s right in front of you, so why can’t you accept it now?
‘I didn’t get enough time to cover some of the bruises, what if they-’
“Ah you made it L/N-chan!” 
You shot up slightly at the new sound that entered your bubble. Your gaze turned towards the young boy’s voice, noticing his ragged hair. ‘Always quite slanted, not a single strand the same,’ you mused. “Atsushi you startled me aha..” Although the chuckle may have been a bit strained, you were happy to know your voice wasn’t void of that hint of delight to see him. 
“A-ah! Sorry! I guess I’ve been sneaking up on a lot of people lately. The other day it was Lucy, I made her drop her dish in the cafe- I really did apologize but she was very close to throwing me from a bridge aha-” Atsushi had a tendency of causing trouble from simple, and often innocent, actions. It was always amusing to hear about from him, they’ve never failed to crack you out of your reclusive state. 
Atsushi’s eyes wandered briefly to a mismatched coloured blotch on your arm, one you tried to conceal under your sleeves. When you took notice of his gaze, you quickly shifted that arm out of view; watching his shy and gentle eyes become disturbed with remorse. That unconcealable wrapping on your leg wasn’t any better to look at you figured, and you were sorry he had to see it. It was only for a moment though. He seemed more at ease once you smiled back at him. 
“If she did push you, I’d call Kyoka-chan.” You continued back at where the conversation left off at. At that Atsushi shaked his hands, trying to prevent the fictional scenario. “N-No! Kyoka might end up doing more than dragging me out of the water-” You both laughed at the scenario at the underlying understanding of Kyoka’s protectivness of Atsushi’s well being.
As you both walked into the office together, a scent of candies and coffee lingered in the air and the bustling office welcomed your arrival. Your eyes lingered on Atsushi as he made his way over to his desk to get started on what you could only assume to be another stack of Dazai’s unfinished paperwork. ‘I should go and get him some coffee, he might need it to finish all that.’ Looking at that stack was alone to make you wince and move towards your own desk. 
You usually make your rounds to greet everyone, but today was a difficult day and you were more tired than usual. So you figured finishing your work early would be the best way to go about things. As you began, the usual shenanigans continued to buzz around the agency. Naomi chasing Tanizaki begging him to bother himself with her rather than his work, the murmurs of the president and his secretary disgusing financial documents in his office, Ranpo-san’s loud crunches as he muched on what could’ve been his 15th chip bag of the day, and to top it off, Kunikida’s excessive yelling. You may be a hardworker but in this case, you couldn’t hold a handle to Kunikida’s work ethic. He kept everyone on task, or so he tried. 
While he was on his daily rant about Dazai’s tardiness to anyone who would listen, you felt a dreadful turmoil brewing in your head.
That buzzing in your head was a little more than unsettling. And just as your hand went to go reach your head, there it was again, that word. 
“Home.”
Why was it coming to the forefront of your mind? Why couldn’t that thought be subdued? Why were you so unlucky that the only word that haunted you was the one you cherished just as much?
He. Your father. Just a shadow of what he could’ve- no, should’ve been. A shadow who gained sentience and refuses to let you breathe. 
Your ‘home’ was hell personified. Every move you took would inevitably burn your feet. So you took no steps at all. Yet even then the fire raged on and clung to you. 
And right now, that fire was engulfing your head. 
You could faintly see Dr.Yosano in the distance, making her way to you. You couldn’t quite make out her expression when you dropped to floor and the fire took your eyesight.
~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes sleep was the only solace you could get, so you tried to cherish it whenever you could. This time, there was something different about the black void of unconsciousness. A dull pain.
It lingered and poked you in the void. Slowly voices became more clear, and feeling returned to your hands. Still, those wonderful eyes of yours refused to leave the dark. 
A part of you couldn’t deny that you liked it that way, but that poking sensation wouldn’t let you dream. 
You never had time for it.
So your eyes opened, breaking through the fire, and into the blinding lights of the ceiling panels. 
~~~~~~~~
“You’re awake-!” There a pair of wide yellowish-purple eyes looked back at you, secured with a load of concern.
It was Atsushi, worried about you as always. You wished he’d worry about himself more. 
It didn’t quite hit you that you were on Dr. Yosano’s lap or the fact there were tears in your eyes, slowly streaming down your eyes. Not until Kyouka, who sat next to Atsushi wiped them gently. 
What happened to you? 
Your body must’ve been more aware than your mind as it expressed it’s emotions more freely than how your mouth could vocalize them. Slowly you sat up and noticed exactly what had caused you to lose consciousness.
“What happened… y/n?”
Blood loss.
Dr. Yosano looked at the open wounds on your legs, carefully unwrapping the loosely tied bandages around them. She was inspecting the wound just as she was inspecting your face. 
They all were looking at you. Kunikida with a glass of water held firmly in his hand. Kyouka who stayed quietly by Atsushi, looking at your wounds. Yosano who looked slightly unnerved at the blood yet continued to press on; cleaning the wound. Atsushi who looked at you as though he knew and didn’t at the same time. But he wanted to know, oh how he wanted you to tell him. 
And suddenly, it was hard. 
You were young. You couldn’t hold it back anymore.
The tears poured out and so did the words you held in for so long. You tried to hold it all in, but everyone has their limits. Atsushi held you closely as you cried into his arms. Kyouka followed and joined the hug. 
She understood. 
You may be older than her but she knew your pain just as well. 
Yosano worked on your legs with utmost care and gentleness. She knew better than to ask to heal using her unorthodox methods. She’d rather not do that, even if it took away all the physical pain, it wouldn’t do anything for your mental anguish. So she helped in the ways she could. 
Kunikida offered you that glass of water as you talked and cried. He stepped back for a moment, eyes still intently on you as you spoke with your shaky voice and teary eyes. Until he caught the sight of someone hidden in the corner of the agency.
Dazai.
His expression was unreadable as always yet there was a sense of conflict stiring in those lax eyes of his that Kunikida rarely saw. Just as Kunikida noticed him standing there in obscurity, he left through the agency’s doors. Kunikida knew to follow him in case Dazai had finally built a sense of justice and planned to do something rash.
~~~~~~~~
When the tears stopped, you sat there with your ragged yet quiet, breathing. Atsushi never once left your side. Kyouka still sat by you, unmoving. Kenji had returned a little while ago and brought you over some tissues and began reciting stories of his farm life adventures. 
Ranpo finally appeared again. His whereabouts were always where his interests lied…. Or where the snacks were. Thus, it wouldn’t surprise you if he had been there the whole time, just hidden away. 
With a lollipop still in his mouth, he looked down at you. You couldn’t read his eyes, you barely ever saw them when you think about it. Kenji, continued to talk while your attention shifted to Ranpo. He brought his arm forward, in his hand, a single lollipop. He motioned you to take it. 
When it was in your hands, he was already gone back to whatever he was doing, yet you stared at it as though it were gold. 
Home…. A place that’s warm.. A place you feel loved..
You were home. You were safe.
And so you smiled, it would be okay.
~~~~~~~~
Weeks had passed since then, your father was arrested on accounts of child abuse and neglect and you were free from his torment. That moment when Kunikida had left that day, he must’ve gone to seek out your father you supposed. Regardless, you were thankful to not just him, but the entire agency. 
You were free, and you would be okay.
That ‘home’ meant nothing to you, so with Fukuzawa-san’s permission, you were allowed to move into the agency dorms. Again, nothing you could do would expression your gratefulness towards him.
Although old habits and traumas never die, you were healing. You had people who loved you and cared for you. People who would laugh with you as Kunikida and Dazai fought. People who would eat with you when you couldn’t sleep. And people who watched over you, even if silently.
You weren't alone, and most importantly, you were happy.
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beesmygod · 2 months
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i know an anon suggested ocd to you the other day, and i didn't see the original message but i know it was a bit fraught. but i am a longtime follower who has ocd who also thinks you may have ocd. and with the reblog you just did i'm like well, maybe i can say a little bit.
i've been sitting on sending a message for a long time because (1) trying to diagnose someone on anon is so fucking weird, i am very aware and ashamed of this weirdness in sending this to you, don't worry, (2) it seemed so obvious to me and you've already talked about other mental health issues and such that i was like "no, surely she must already know she has ocd and is just choosing not to talk about it (completely understandable, i don't do it on main), and then i would also be weird for forcing her to out herself".
the thing with morality-adjacent ocd is that a lot of the base thoughts, in a vacuum, are fine. if you hurt somebody some level of shame is good so you can reflect and correct your behaviour. caring about doing the right thing and refusing to do things that violate your principles is good. it's the intensity and all-consumingness of the thoughts that is the problem.
i mean i say morality but it applies to other ocd too. you should wash your hands and keep your place clean as much as you can, but obsessively avoiding contamination by washing your hands for half an hour straight... etc. it's ultimately egodystonic - it takes the thing you hate the idea of the most and convinces you that is what you really are.
like you are genuinely an admirably principled person, more than many, and it's good that you do the right thing instead of the easy thing. but your anguish about like, not contributing enough good to the world as a comics artist and things like that screams morality ocd self-punishment to me... and repeatedly talking about it feels like a confession compulsion. which i also have, kind of! i feel the compulsion *to* confess, but i don't, because if anyone forgave me or told me it wasn't a big deal they obviously haven't formed a sound judgment because (1) they are morally depraved themselves, (2) i didn't explain myself properly and they didn't understand why it's bad, (3) they're my friend and being more permissive with me because they like me, so they're too biased.
this was long, sorry. but you're a good artist and i like your work and i hate seeing you suffer like this. and if you really don't have ocd, well, i'm just another weirdo armchair psychologist anon vanishing into the void.
i appreciate this and thank you for being kind+brave enough to send this while medication juggling is really making me insane new ways. i have not been diagnosed w/ocd and only started kicking the idea around not too long ago when cornered by the inescapable nature of my thoughts/feeling, the fact that no one understands what the hell i'm ever talking about, and seeing signs of it in someone else very close to me. and i guess incidentally learning more about how it develops/is treated.
lol your bit abt internally responding to how ppl try to comfort your "confessions" rings very true. i never thought of my posts as confessions but like im desperately trying to get a hold on a reality that makes sense to me because when reality doesnt make sense, it feels perilous and fleeting. like, doesnt anyone else feel like this? why am i the only one who sees this? how am i supposed to understand what i'm supposed to be doing to live a life that isnt equivalent to a sewage drain that empties out into people's houses if i cant even understand whats happening?
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memberment · 29 days
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GOOD MORNING EVERYONE
So the Trinitarians brain worm is back and Morning Glory is now longer and biting the dust as far as my focus goes.
But like, I genuinely want to talk to anyone who's invested in what's to come as far as part two goes. SO PLEASE. I IMPLORE THE FOUR OF YOU WHO PERPETUALLY TAKE NOTICE OF MY SCREAMS INTO THE VOID.
We're all aware that Trin is a time loop fic. That is confirmed.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS HOW I'M GOING ABOUT DOING THAT. AND I NEED INPUT FROM PEOPLE THAT ARE NOT ME AS FAR AS PLEASES AND SPARKLES GO, YES?
Because like sure I'm writing it and like fuck everything else, let me tell my story. But it's the how of it all like if I'm gonna throw another 200 give or take hours into this I would at least like one person to be having a wonderful time drinking and driving (I have since remembered this is not a common phrase, I do not mean this in a literal sense, it's an expression) with me right?
Part two is going to be 50 chapters, give or take. (Part one is about 37 for reference.)
So the plan for part 2 rn is (ROGUHLY):
(1-10) is the second timeline. There are a lot of importants and I cannot just glaze over it all more than that. But we're also working in a bit of a shorter time period than the original events of the story and introductions do not need to happen again, right?
(11-40)ish would be me running through the next timelines in a set up structure -> what changes -> the results of said changes and then inevitably what sends our looper backwards. It wouldn't be running through all the timelines but the more notable ones in kind of a four chapter structure, I am not fully sold on four, but rough estimate yk.
And then 41-50 would be the finale of part two. It's literally the last timeline in its glory and then the epilogue which kicks off part three.
COULD AT LEAST ONE OF Y'ALL SIT THROUGH THAT OR DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY NOTES AT ALL BECAUSE LIKE
I personally kinda like it but if not a soul is reading this I am throwing myself on the curb with the rest of the garbage LMFAOOO.
I NEED THOUGHTS. OPINIONS. COMMENTS. CONCERNS. ANYTHING.
Anyways, I'm going to work. I have off tomorrow and I broke the ff investment seal for today so insanity and updates will be here tonight and homework will be tomorrow.
HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD DAY <3
(9:30) I am literally falling asleep as I lazily write this angel based on Danse Macabre. Expect all of maybe one more update tonight if the tacos I am abt to receive don't wake me up LMFAO.
Also, I am almost saddened by not having something to post tm. Anyone want an early chapter of something that isn't Genesis/Desolation bc they're both on Monday?????? (I am feeling like a menace rn)
(10:19) tacos and the absolute yap session I just had did wake me up a bit. MAAAYBE might write some more. Idk I slept like three hours last night and went to work I'm kinda dead. But we're at 98.2k!!!!!!🥳
(11:06) okay we made it to 99.6k everything besides the flashback for 31 is done. I'm about to relax and watch something and figure out mechanics of some of this because god this series is A BEAST. Like, I still have six planned chapters left.
Pure insanity. I love it here. I hate it here.
Holy shit wait I just came to the realization that I started this fic exactly one month ago. I have belted out 99.6k for THIS FIC ALONE. (Moreso if we're including future shit that hasn't happened yet)
IN ONE MONTH.
THAT IS FUCKING CRAZY WHAT HTE FUCK LMFAOOOO
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I may or may not be cooking we’ll find out in 6-26 business hours
(5:28) So I just had a very interesting past few business hours. I read a fic I've been waiting ever so patiently to finish. That's cool, right. I go for a walk at 4 in the morning because I'm insane. Fantastic. I get home at five and I'm like ohhhh well what do I do now it's not sleep time yet. Oh write I'm supposed to be drawing.
Nope I reread the epilogue of morning glory and realized Tweek's first address is for my morning glory and Craig's last sign off is your morning glory and now I'm ready to throw myself on the curb with the garbage as I sob. Someone call a trusted adult for me thanks.
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an-theduckin · 10 months
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MY THOUGHTS N THEORIES ON THIS!!
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PKAY OKAY SO FIRST OF ALL. IM LITERALLY SO EXCITED RN LIKE IM LITERALLY SHAKING I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA EXPLODE. BUT STILL, IM SO SO NERVOUS CUZ IT MIGHT NOT LIVE UP 2 MY STANDARDS N NOT BE GOOD (WHICH IS UNLIKELY CUZ ID EAT UP EVERY SCRAP OF MARK CONTENT BUT STILL. IM PARANOID) LIKE. WHAY IF IT GOES AGAINST MY HEADCANONS OR SMTH. IK I SHOULDNT TREAT IT SERSIOULU N JUST IGNORE CANON BUT STILL!! IM SOMEONE WHOS CONSTANTLY OBSESSED N INSECURE ABT GETTING CHARACTERS WRONG OR MAKING THEM OOC. SO YEAH I FEEL SO CONFLICTED RN CUZ I FEEL BOTH EXCITED N NERVOUS AT THE SAME TIME.
ENOUGH ABOUT HOW I FEEL. LETS TALK ABT WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. Okay okay so! Many things can happen lemme just list down all the possibilities. More maf lore, marks life b4 Billy, marks life after Billy n how he got 2 the void, Mark interacting with Argos/Mr plant, Mark just doing smth in the void like "A day in the life of Mark" (Just realised that's literally my fanfic's title after typing that LMAO) so yeah. Ashur said "A YouTube video related to this series is coming out tomorrow...", the word 'related' suggest that it might not be fully about Mark and could include like. Mr plant and Argos too. Which crosses out the possibility of it being more maf lore, marks life b4 Billy, and 'a day in the life of mark'. I considered crossing out the possibility of the marks life after Billy thingy but like, maybe ashur would show how mark moved into the void and could like connect it 2 Argos delivering mail 2 him or Argos being the welcoming committee for when he first moved into the void (eeeeek this is what happened in my Mark fic!) Sooo yeah the most possible thing is Mark just interacting with plargos. Ughhh but idk cuz he has interact with them b4 and ashur didn't made a whole announcement for that. Maybe its cuz this time he'll have more screen time? Gosh I really hope so. Idk man maybe all my theories r wrong n ashur just do a completely different thing and in that case I'll go hide in the corner from embarrassment. I really really hope he does this green goober justice n doesn't just ruin it yk. I've seen it happen before and I'm just so scared of it happening to Mark.
Anywaysss so yeah if u couldn't tell IM SO FUCKING HAPPY N EXCITED ABT IT IM SCREAMING
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@machathecat @labratgurlz @faenemy SORRY FOR TAGGING I JUST THINK U MIGBT WANNA SEE THIS N ALSO I WANNA SEE UR REACTIOM 2 MY CRINGY ASS (/AFFECTIONATE) THEORIES!!! :DDDD
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YAYAYAYAYAYAYA MATCHUPSSS
I'm a girl and I'm looking for a pjsk matchup!
my personality?? um, god I'm an annoying motherfucker. when I find someone who's willing to listen, I will yap for hours about my interests. I have hpd, bpd(?), and adhd which is super duper fun totally 😐 but I think I'm funny maybe idk? I'm really insecure and I like actually can't find anything good about myself 😓 maybe I'm a fast learner? I'm sort of a nerd like, I'm in accelerated math 🤓
things I'm most sensitive to? idk what this means but ig I hate bugs and clowns and vomit and that shit. also when my s/o isn't giving me attention I would literally start screaming crying shaking.
my number one talent is simping. 💀 I have a shrine for 2 different people and when I have a crush on someone they're all I talk about 😭
my hobbies are drawing, writing, playing pjsk, and screaming lyrics of songs I like really loudly. I've also been getting back into dance lately that's pretty sigma. age range is 13-15 and there are no characters i don't want to be matched up with
what i want in an s/o? think of seo changbin from skz 🤩 jkjk (only slightly) i want a s/o thats nice to me, is at least slightly taller than me, (5'4), is funny, has decent fashion sense, and a real nice voice (but I suppose that's all the pjsk boys..)
what i don't want in an s/o is as I stated earlier, someone who doesn't give me attention, someone who puts me down, someone who brushes off my interests, and someone with a bad hairstyle /hj
yeah ty!! if this ask gets sent into the void I WILL cry!!!
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' . < Project sekai matchup No. 1~! > . '
A/N: omg you do good in math??? You sound like a good s/o already. Girl if you like think think im sure you can find good stuff abt you. Liiiike you have a nice humor you made me crack a smile several times while reading this. Also idk youre just a fun person. ADHD? I xan relate. Its not confirmed but i probably do have it. Liek seriously whenever im doing my my math i just randomly start daydreaming and my mom always has to snap me back to reality. Thankfully she finds it funny lol and doesnt scold me for it. Also we're the same height so yay. Also same age range. We kin eachother fr.
Anyway! For the grand reveal, I match you up with....
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` . < Rui~! > . '
A/N: Im sorry when you said you want someone who shows you attention i immediately thought of rui.
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He will listen to every single detail of your rambles about your interests
Honestly finds it adorable
As someone who also rambles a lot about his own interests, he can relate
He understands that you have hpd and will give you all the attention in the world if you so desire
I like to think he will be very physically affectionate. With this mam, how could you NOT get all the attention in the world??
Finds your 'annoying' personality endearing
Sometimes just watches you draw over your shoulder without saying a word and then you just turn around and see him there and be like 'wth did you come from??'
Asks you to draw him
Loves to just watch you and observe you dance. Might even ask for you to teach him on of your dances. (Idr if it its canon that wxs dances but they prolly do, so)
Def teaches you one of the dances he performs
Im not sure if he has a decent fashion sense.. Idk depends ony our perspective
His voice though? Its the definition of nice. Like out of all the boys his is gentle and smooth. Sounds nice to me
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guys
how do you tell if ur bi or les
break cuz it’s long
like genuinely
like do i like guys
or do i want guys to liek me
and i gaslighted myself into liking guys before
how do i tell if i like guys…
i’m not even super into masculinity
like the guys i like r
enbys with a touch of masculinity
even thinking of that was a stretch
like i was gonna add another option
but legit can’t think of another option
like this super masculine muscular men
like only thing i think is like
“dang i should go on testosterone just to be able to get that muscle definition”
or like conventionally good looking guys my age i’m like
“would you hate crime me”
or
just gender dysphoria
like what
don’t think that’s what straight girls think
like what
how do you tell!???
am i just les but too scared to use les
i think i am
cuz like what guys do i like…
am i les???
no but ik like “let people be wrong”
but also what if i am and homophobes r all dick abt it
like what if yk
it also just feels too boxy
too permanent
but it’s not
it’s a word
this is stupid right??
to be screaming into some void abt prob being les but not willing to accept it
i mean i’ve called myself les before
and bi just doesn’t feel right
i’ll just stick with sapphic and figure my shit out later
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coconox · 1 year
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rambling abt nocti (again)
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long post, just to let out my delulu thoughts
warnings: sands of wrath spoilers, cerberus event spoilers, nsfw near the 2nd half of the post, cerberus!skk x nocti (oc x canon), lots of hc, no proofread, i wrote this all on my phone i'm desperate to scream into the void about all this
it's pretty noticeable how nocti acts like he's more human compared to the other constructs he's worked with. he only brings up the fact that he is a construct if he wants to intimidate someone desperately negotiate with someone, but otherwise everyone treats him like he's just some guy and he totally rolls with it. it's been mentioned a few times how he heavily pants, which is something completely unnecessary for constructs to do, but it feels natural for him. huzi mentions how the way he passes knives is something that was only remembered in the golden age, in which nocti shrugs it off saying it's just a natural instinct (even tho that kind of basic information seems long gone at this point)
he cares about people a lot more than what he tells them. there's been both er5 and cerby event where someone gets roped into some mess he (+ sometimes cerberus) is in and wants to help them even tho there has been a few arguments between him and vera on whether or not the person should be left alone. the person also almost ends up dying and nocti franctically tries to find a way to delay or stop their inevitable death. i'm suspecting that the cerby event does take place some time after er5, since he did eventually learn how to provide a bit of first aid through finally observing vera on how she does it
he also cares a lot about his team despite all the slander thrown at him. he was willing to shift the blame onto himself during 21's incident or concerningly asks if vera's sick (even tho constructs can't get sick, again emphasizing how nocti reacts a bit more like how a human reacts)
when off-duty, to get away from 21 and vera, nocti would probably chill a lot in coco's room office. they don't mind the company since all nocti does 70% of the time is sleep, the other 30% is complain on how bored he is or he just straight up does his workout in their office
as much as he shits on bad movies, he loves them. coco doesn't mind if nocti starts playing some movie in the background while they're working, and might even join in on watching it with nocti after they're done with work
once it became established that coco has a sweet tooth, nocti wouldn't stop giving them new receipes he's found in wgaa archives. not that they're complaining, it's free food, and nocti is surprisingly good at baking despite being an idiot outside of things he's genuinely good at
taking note of the first point mentioned, if a makeout session happens between him and coco, he will ocassionally break it not just for them to take a breather, but he also takes a breather as well. even tho it's absolutely not necessary considering he's a construct, it just feels natural for him to do so
because all coco does is focus on work, nocti does crave some attention from his commandant. a lot of times they just ignore nocti's sad puppy eyes of wanting affection, and he ends up moping around till coco's done. if coco does eventually give in while they're working, nocti both mildly regrets it and heavily enjoys it as coco teases and edges the living daylights out of him. he got the attention he's been asking for, but at what cost?
nocti can either be extremely gentle during sex, or go extremely feral about it. he wants to be as careful as possible knowing how fragile humans are, but in the end he would always lose control of himself, constantly trying to chase after the high of how good it feels being inside his commandant
loves marking them, he often feels the need to mark them even tho it's not really necessary, they are cerberus's commandant after all. but nocti wants to make it clear that they're his and his alone. but often feels a little bad after noticing how deep of a mark he imprinted onto them, since bite marks would be so deep they end up bleeding a little
loves eating out, to the point where he's pussydrunk even. there's times where he would desperately ask if he could eat coco out while they're working, to which they normally reply with no, but there have been a few exceptions
he goes absolutely insane when he's praised. it's not everyday he gets to hear he's done a good job, but when he gets praises from his commandant, it's like he's on cloud nine. in normal circumstances he doesn't know how to react to praise, he's often confused since for most of his life he's always gotten the bad end of the stick. but when he's intimate with his commandant, getting praised is another high he'll constantly be going after. the soft expression coco gives while gently caressing him, whispering sweet nothings over and over again is something nocti will never have enough of
nocti goes all out for aftercare. he'll be adamant about cooking for them all day and would help tend to easing any pain they're feeling. he'll also take the time to cuddle with them all day and refuses to get up unless they tell him to
nocti will always be the one to initiate any romantic gestures first, and often would be thrown off guard if coco would decide to be the one to initiate first
he gets very overprotective, basically becoming a guard dog for his commandant
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