#and music analysis posts always take me much longer cause i want to really think about them more than other posts i make

[iguessitsjustme]

To My Star - Music

It has been 6 months since @gillianthecat requested a music analysis of To My Star. I said I’d do it in a few weeks and I started it then shit life happened but I wanted to actually do the analysis so here it is…a million years later. I will say this might be a bit disjointed because some of my notes are from 6 months ago and the rest are from the past week so apologies in advance for that. I did want to make this a longer post since it’s been so long since it was requested so I might have gotten a bit carried away.

As always this is my disclaimer that I’m just an idiot with a somewhat decent ear and I enjoy soundtracks. I am wrong sometimes so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Before I get into specifics, my general thoughts are that it’s a fine soundtrack. It’s not my favorite, but it does work very well for the show. It does a good job of keeping the tone that the show is setting. Most of the time the soundtrack helps set the tone of the show, but for To My Star it felt like the actors really set the tone for the show and the music followed. It wasn’t as cohesive as I really like, but it worked well enough that it didn’t stand out as not working. But with that said, I did really enjoy it. Overall it felt like they sampled youtube’s royalty free music catalog except for certain instances, but what they did choose to do actually worked really well but more on that later.

One of the main thingsI noticed when doing my rewatch for this, is that To My Star utilizes silence quite a bit. While there are some instances of music when Han Ji Woo and Kang Seo Joon weren’t around, for the most part, the music only followed their story. Other characters were mostly given silence when they were the focus, which was an interesting choice. It worked for TMS because it wasn’t the only time there was silence. There was always silence during Han Ji Woo and Kang Seo Joon’s important moments. The music waited until something was said before coming in and joining the scene. So it wasn’t as jarring as it would have been to have silence for the other characters. The silence being used for Han Ji Woo and Kang Seo Joon’s important moments made it so when it was silent for the other characters, the audience paid attention because their part in the story is also important. TMS is ultimately about Han Ji Woo and Kang Seo Joon but it’s not just their story as they are impacted by the other characters around them.

But as it is Han Ji Woo and Kang Seo Joon’s story, what were some of their big moments that were impacted by silence? There are a few but I’m only going to talk about what I think is the most important one. At the beginning, Kang Seo Joon hears a crash and has a panic attack as a result (been there my dude, it sucks). There is silence before the crash that leads into the panic attack and there’s silence at the start of the panic attack as well. Then we begin hearing a repetitive, dissonant note during the attack, but it’s backed by calming music that grows louder as Han Ji Woo cares for Kang Seo Joon. This worked almost a little too well for me. I don’t like being reminded of my own panic attacks like that, ya know? But it does a good job of using music to convey what Kang Seo Joon is feeling. We see the panic attack and we can hear it. It’s jarring.

The biggest surprise to me about the soundtrack was realizing that Kang Seo Joon and Han Ji Woo have different genres. Some shows do this and do it really well. A more recent example that I really loved was Never Let Me Go. Both boys had their own distinct genre that had to reconcile with each other when those two were together. That’s probably the one of the easiest shows to watch and pick up on the distinct music for each character. It’s far, far more subtle in TMS, but it’s there.

During the show, Han Ji Woo is a jazzy boy. It’s a smooth jazz, which fits Han Ji Woo’s character very well. He’s soft and subtle and his life should be formulaic and set in routine, but nothing has gone as expected. His routine has been thrown off. He still has his calm, almost stoic exterior, but inside he’s facing turmoil. Kang Seo Joon has come into his life and brought something new and unexpected. He’s facing feelings he wasn’t aware he could still feel and he’s willing to do things he didn’t realize he’s willing to do. Once his turmoil is settled though, he reverts back to what I believe his true genre is: classical. Han Ji Woo is a piano concerto. He’s soft and beautiful and strong. He can get loud and stand up for himself when needed and he can become muted when he’s feeling a little lost. Han Ji Woo settles into his new routine with Kang Seo Joon and he’s no longer a jazzy boy. He’s back to himself as a classical boy. The inner turmoil and struggle Han Ji Woo has felt is made so abundantly clear in this line:

At this moment in the show, Han Ji Woo’s jazz was slowly being taken over by Kang Seo Joon’s music. He was already scared because his genre was off but now even not-his-genre is being overtaken by Kang Seo Joon.

Kang Seo Joon has been consistently coming into Han Ji Woo’s life and overtaking his music. Kang Seo Joon is pop music. He is fun and upbeat. He is the music that so many people in the world listen to. I mean, it’s called pop music for a reason! At first it makes sense that Kang Seo Joon should have the more formulaic music. He seems shallow on the surface, but as always, that’s not the case as he has hidden depth and struggles. A lot of the pop songs that play are in English which was surprising, but they could be a hint at Kang Seo Joon being more than he seems. He’s not just the cookie-cutter celebrity that everyone, including Han Ji Woo, sees him as. He has hopes and fears and he has experienced his fair share of pain. And when he meets and starts falling for Han Ji Woo? Their music starts to blend.

When Han Ji Woo reaches for Kang Seo Joon’s face, about to take an eyelash off, but stops and walks away, leaving them both feeling like something has shifted in that moment, their music combines. It’s both poppy and jazzy. This is the moment that they both start to become aware that there are feelings floating around. 

By the end of the show, Han Ji Woo has embraced his jazziness because he realizes that his life isn’t going to go to routine now that he’s with Kang Seo Joon. When he’s alone, classical music follows him. But when he’s with Kang Seo Joon, he’s back to jazz. And in the very last scene, when those two are in bed and begin making out, the music is pop music but with a little jazz element thrown in. They’ve found their harmony and their balance as their two genres are able to meet to become one.

Here are some other things I noticed but they didn’t make it into the post itself:

-When Han Ji Woo is running to Kang Seo Joon at the end, it’s a pop song playing

-The music in the restaurant is smooth jazz

[theji]

我的世界守则 The Rules of My World: An Analysis

I came across this video while browsing Weibo last night. It was taken during Yibo's rehearsal for his 'The Rules of My World' performance. I've listened to the song countless times and I like it, the rhythm and all, and the dance. But as with many rap music, I don't pay attention to the lyrics. I suddenly realised I don't really know what the song is talking about, save for the few phrases that stood out. That sparked my interest and inspired today's post. I had previously done some analysis of Zhan's songs, so it's Yibo's turn.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional translator or lyricist. And obviously I'm not Yibo nor do I know him personally, so I can't say for sure what the song is really about. The following analysis is purely based on my personal interpretation. It has CPN components. Please skip if you don't believe that BJYXSZD.

'The Rules of My World' is the 2nd song that Yibo penned the lyrics to himself. The fact that he wrote the lyrics is significant and makes the song worth analysing. 2019's 'Wu Gan' was more 'inward-looking'; about Yibo expressing his own thoughts on navigating the entertainment industry. To me, 'The Rules of My World' is him making a statement, a stand, at the same time, he's sending a message to those he cares about - GG and his (real) fans. Yibo released this song on 30 Dec 2020. The timing is interesting cos it like he's summing up his sentiments based on the events that took place during the year. To outsiders, 2020 was a good year for Yibo. He had many endorsements, projects, high exposure, his commercial value rose. But in CPN reality, 2020 was terrible for so many reasons. GG's incident, him being overworked, crazy fan wars and antis etc etc..anyone who cares about Yibo would be delusional to think he had it good last year.

欢迎你们来加入我的世界 (You're welcome to join my world)

入场券上面有正义的光源 (There's a light of justice on the admission ticket)

DD is giving fans an open invitation to enter his world, to understand him as a person and not just an idol. And he also hopes that his world can bring some light to the fans' world, to bring some positivity, encouragement and guidance to them.

此生面对严厉又仁慈的一切 (In this life we'll face harshness but also kindness)

轻松一点，我们一起度过黑夜 (Just relax, together we'll overcome darkness)

In the entertainment world (or life in general), there will be ups and downs, criticisms and compliments. Regardless of what may come, we can overcome any challenges together. Darkness here could also refer to the antis who seem determined to bring GGDD down. This could be a message to fans - to tell them that they don't always have to rush to defend him, and they don't need to retaliate (aka fan wars). It could also be a message to GG, to make a stand of solidarity and to reassure GG that DD will face any challenges alongside him.

新的征途 (A new journey)

愚蠢的，不好相处 (These fools, they aren't easy to get along with)

愚蠢的，不会打住 (These fools, they won't stop)

但衬托明天更耀眼的路 (But they will set off a brighter path for tomorrow)

It was said that DD matured considerably after the 2*7 incident. Took up more responsibility, became more focused on his career and mindful of future advancements etc. Started to take on more serious acting projects and to shift his career trajectory towards something more sustainable and less 'idol'. The new journey could be a reference to this new path. The fools - the antis, those against GGDD - may have caused damage but their actions have also sparked off DD's desire to do better and to find his footing in the entertainment industry. He now has a clearer view of what he wants, the path he wants to take.

我是我的样子 (This is how I am)

我生来就固执 (I was born stubborn)

讲自己的故事 (I'll tell my own story)

活独特的气质 (Living my unique self)

Follow me, 找到自己的价值 (Follow me, find your own value)

不去迎合别人活 才会觉得有意思 (Life is interesting if you don't cater to others)

我的世界不退让 (It's my world I won't give in)

我的世界不退让 (It's my world I won't give in)

Here, DD is being assertive. This is me, I follow my own rules, I'll make my own decisions, I'll forge my own path, I won't be influenced, I won't give up on my beliefs. So antis, capitalists etc can f*ck off.

It could also be seen as an advice to his fans - to follow his lead and live their own lives. This is also something that GG has repeatedly said to fans - to focus on their own lives, personal relationships, studies, careers etc. Don't devote so much time on chasing idols, online fan wars etc.

阳光耀眼 (The sun is dazzling)

乐观地，走向前 (Just move forward with optimism)

阳光耀眼 (The sun is dazzling)

无所谓，多危险 (Doesn't matter how dangerous it is)

阳光耀眼 (The sun is dazzling)

这是我的世界 (This is my world)

我世界的守则，不许你诡辩 (These are the rules of my world, I won't allow any sophistry)

I see this as DD's words of encouragement, to himself and to GG. Despite all the challenges and hardship, darkness will pass and the sun will come out eventually. And it's shining brightly, there is hope left in this world, there's is much to look forward to. So don't fear, be brave and forge ahead.

Sophistry: the use of clever but false arguments, especially with the intention of deceiving

Poor DD is always hit with industry rumours, about him dating his co-stars etc. Last year, someone even made a false police report against him. Just look at the number of statements his company had to put out. There have also always been ongoing rumours about rivalry between GGDD, tales of backstabbing etc, especially in 2020 at the height of the incident. DD is saying that this is his life, his world. No one knows better than the both of them. So to those who don't know better but continue to spew nonsense about his life and relationships and spread hate, know that I don't care about your antics, they don't hurt me but I won't tolerate them as well.

在我世界行走 (Walking in my world)

什么人生主题你透露 (What kind of life theme do you envisage)

是胆大勇猛所向披靡 (Is it to be bold, courageous and invincible)

或胆小逃避钻进壳里 (Or to be timid and escape into your shell)

喧闹倾诉众人party (Is it to pour out your troubles at a rowdy party)

寂寞相思不停地哭泣 (Or to cry silently non-stop out of loneliness and love-sickness)

都欢迎你来我这里 (All are welcome)

只要跟从自己的内心 (So long as you follow your heart)

跟限制和噪音 说一声 bang bang (I'll say 'Bang Bang' to restriction and noises)

怪兽都退散 (Monsters, be gone)

What kind of person am I in your eyes? The cool guy or soft sweet babie Yibo? Here, DD is acknowledging that the public has many different perceptions of him, and fans love different personas of him and he's ok with that. But if you love him, then let him be. Don't try to restrict him, don't quarrel or force him into a certain mould of your preference. He won't hesitate to shoot the haters (monsters) down.

迈出轻盈的步伐 (Take a light step forward)

一声令下 (With a single command)

来宣布 告别孤勇 (To announce a farewell to having to fight alone)

On this new path, with a new-found realisation of what he wants, DD is clear of what he wants to achieve and he is no longer burdened by fear, uncertainties etc. Both GGDD now have each other by their sides, they share a common purpose as they navigate the intricacies of the entertainment industry together and work their way to the top. And I think this is something that we're seeing more in the fandom since end 2020 - GGDD seemingly becoming more bold in their actions and messages they put out (silent or otherwise).

想要做盘旋的龙 (Wanna be a hovering dragon)

还想做懒散的虫 (Or a lazy worm)

别打扰我 走开 没空 (Don't bother me, go away, I have no time for that)

In public, DD is that proud and confident king. He's not a pushover. But behind the cameras, he just wants to chill and relax (and play games). Please don't bother me, give me some privacy to lead my own life, don't tell me what I can or cannot do.

Cue DD's message. He meant it.

Follow me, 找到自己的价值 (Follow me, find your own value)

不去迎合别人活 才会觉得有意思 (Life is interesting if you don't cater to others)

我们永远不退让 (We will never give in)

我们永远不退让 (We will never give in)

This is a repetition of the earlier verse but what has changed is the last 2 lines. From <It's my world I won't give in>, DD now says <We will never give in>. This was actually the first thing that sparked off my CPN, and hinted to me that this song concerns GG in some ways. Who's We? We all know how GGDD almost always use the word 'we' in their CQL promo interviews and bts, as though they come as a package and all views represent both of them as a entity. This also echoes the earlier sentiments - both of them, after the 2020 incident, have developed a steely resolve. They won't let the antis or challenges or societal views hold them back anymore. Their world, their rules. They will fight for their rights and what they believe in, and they are determined to reach their goals.

阳光耀眼 (The sun is dazzling)

乐观地 走向前 (Just move forward with optimism)

阳光耀眼 (The sun is dazzling)

无所谓 多危险 (Doesn't matter how dangerous it is)

阳光耀眼 (The sun is dazzling)

这是我的世界 (This is my world)

我们的世界不会被改变 (Our world will never be changed)

Again, similar to the above 'we' example. From this part of the song onwards, DD is referring to them both. The last line could also be viewed as an affirmation of GGDD's commitment to each other. Whatever is it, our relationship will not change. We will go through it all together.

Don‘t stop, get it, get it

Let me see you work up on it

Don’t stop, get it, get it

Let me see you all up on it

Let me see you work up on it

Don‘t stop, get it, get it

Don't stop

Hey

I interpret this as DD's words of encouragement to GG. Like don't stop fighting, continue to work hard towards your (our) goals. Go for it, you can do it!

在我的世界 (In my world)

本能很关键 (Instinct is the key)

坚持自己 (Stay true to yourself)

就是你们的世界 (It is your world)

DD's parting words to fans: to stay true to oneself, to build and enrich your own worlds, to fight for your goals, like how he is trying.

Well, I had fun working on this. Maybe I'll do Wu Gan another time. Reminded me of literature class during my schooling days, although I never did Chinese literature back then. Feel free to share your thoughts on the song with me. =D

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 6)

Last time, we talked about Natsume's growing crush on Mikan. As the festival continues, his feelings will only grow. Today we'll discuss how these new feelings will affect him, and particularly how they have the potential to create tension in his friendship with Ruka.

Chapter Twenty-One

Mikan is guilty for not having already gone to Iinchou’s haunted house in the latent ability class area. So they end up going together. Although Mikan is easily distracted and wants to try everything in the latent area, Natsume is strict on going straight to the destination with no tangents.

Iinchou lets them in right away without having to wait in the hour-long line. Mikan puts on airs about being a country girl and, just like she’s unafraid of bugs, she’s also not afraid of ghosts. Except she totally is.

Ruka and Natsume don’t seem particularly scared of the haunted house so far, but Mikan is, and she clings to Ruka, desperate not to be left behind, even if it means she hurts him with her grasp.

The person who posted these TokyoPop scans forgot a couple pages so for the longest time the beginning of the chapter was so confusing to me...

Natsume looks behind to see them and is jealous, yet again. Just like with Tsubasa, Natsume is unhappy with his fate to be the bad guy in general. He goes out of his way to look bad to protect people and as a result will not be the one clung to. It’s different from Tsubasa though, because this isn’t some nameless middle schooler that Natsume can take his anger out on: this is his best friend, somebody he’s never felt anything but affection for. Natsume doesn’t want to hurt Ruka; he’s just sad that the situation is so messed up.

Lucky for Ruka, Natsume gives up before there can even be a competition.

It’s for the best this way, after all. For Ruka to be happy, for Mikan to be with somebody kind who deserves her, and even for him, because maybe this way Mikan won’t be used against him like everybody else he cares about.

Natsume makes this decision without talking to anybody and before anyone can even figure out that there’s a choice to be made in the first place.

Then they run into a crawling hag and nobody’s immune to the terror that being chased after by that demon brings. All three of them run for it, but they end up in a new spooky room, which freaks Mikan out so much she screams and faints, foaming at the mouth, causing Natsume to fall and twist his ankle and for Ruka’s rabbit to run off. He chases after it, leaving Natsume and Mikan alone. Iinchou breaks whatever causes the electricity to run in the building and now they’re trapped alone in the dark, unable to get out.

Mikan tries to figure out a way for them to escape, but climbing the wall is out of the question since Natsume’s ankle is twisted. He suggests that he blow up the wall, but Mikan is adamantly against that idea because the latent students worked hard to make the mansion. Natsume acquiesces. That’s fine. He doesn’t mind spending more time with her. It just means she’ll have to stay in the dark for longer.

She is very clingy when she’s scared, and although he complains he doesn’t really make any moves to get her off. I mean, why would he? This is exactly what he wanted, though he did only get it because he was the only person around that she could cling to. There’s a moment where he spooks her, perhaps so she would hug him more, but then she whines for him to stop scaring her and the panels are quite sparkly. Natsume is distressed about his new crush and the effect it has on him. Really her whining and puppy-dog eyes are not any less powerful on Natsume than they are on Ruka. He’s just better at hiding it.

He looks at her softly and then has a moment where he looks almost peeved to have felt so fond at all... but it won't last. These days he has more affection for her than irritation.

Mikan tries apologizing about getting angry with him at Anna’s cafe, but he pretends like he has no idea what she’s talking about. To me, this cements that Natsume wants to look bad to her in particular. He doesn’t really want her to figure out that he’s kind deep down or that he’s selfless 99% of the time. He doesn’t want her to think he cares at all because it’s best for him to continue being the same jerk he has been for the past twenty chapters. He’s okay with her hating him, because that way she won’t become the new Ruka, used by the academy as a pawn to get him to jump through more hoops.

She tries to make him smile and that’s another big deal. Most people think Natsume is cool for being so unaffected. His fans think he’s the man, a tough guy who frowns all the time. Even Ruka’s approach to this issue was to stop smiling too.

Mikan’s approach is to tell jokes.

Of course, it doesn’t work, and the jokes aren’t any good, but Mikan is trying something nobody else has done: instead of looking up to him or going down to his level of misery, Mikan’s trying to lift him up. She wants him to smile and be happy and that sets her apart. She’s immature and childish and that brings out the childishness in him too. And like I mentioned a while ago, childishness in Natsume is a good thing. With her, he can bicker and argue and tease like he used to before he came to the academy. She has no idea what he’s going through and her mood changes so quickly she can’t even stay mad or upset. She’s just a joyful and loud girl who rubs off on everyone she meets and Natsume is far from being an exception.

He can just mess around like a kid for once. He doesn't have to be serious around her all the time.

Thus, the next important thing in regards to analyzing their relationship is that the last page of the chapter has him teasing her and then smiling at her reaction. We’ve only seen Natsume smile twice before: with Youichi for a brief moment, and then with Ruka on the cover for Chapter Sixteen (Natsume's evil smile when Mikan gets bullied by middle schoolers doesn't count as a real smile). This officially adds Mikan to the incredibly short list of people who can make Natsume smile. She’s angry with him, arguing, but being able to let go of all his darkness and just tease a girl and have her act with such strong emotions is enough to make him happy. And that’s what this is: Natsume is happy.

Chapter Twenty-Three

The musical creates some tension between Natsume and Ruka, as expected, because liking the same girl can make rifts between friends. On the other hand, this isn’t your typical love triangle. Usually in love triangles, the two guys are already positioned against each other. Though Natsume and Ruka may be opposites in many ways, they are not rivals at all. They love each other, and that love is not at all damaged by the conflict of falling for the same girl; it just becomes tense between them.

In fact, the beginning of the chapter has some Class B pals eagerly going backstage to find Ruka before the somatic ability class musical. When they find him, Natsume is the only one to not laugh at or tease him, and seems to be the only one really concerned with Ruka’s feelings about being cast as Snow White.

When the sticky ball incident occurs, there’s a lot more damage done than there is in the anime. In the anime, some cast and crew get stuck, but ultimately nobody was in any real danger of being hurt. In the manga, there were potentially catastrophic consequences for the blast and a lot of equipment got damaged in the process. A somatic child playing one of the seven dwarves is about to be hit by a stagelight when Natsume rushes to get him out of the way, resulting in them getting stuck together. If Natsume hadn’t stepped in, that kid could have gotten really injured, at least.

As a result of Natsume’s heroism, Narumi suggests that he dress up as a forest friend. When Natsume refuses, the child is to be kicked out of the play, and the seven dwarves will be changed to six. Natsume sees the kid pout and with absolutely no more need for convincing he goes to get changed into a cat outfit.

This is noteworthy because the cat outfit is humiliating (not that Natsume hasn’t worn similar things in official art… just saying) and it’s something he truly does not want to do, but he does it, even though he doesn’t even know the kid. It’s some random somatic kid, not Ruka or Youichi or even Mikan, and yet he goes out of his way to do something truly selfless so that the kid can perform what he’s practiced. Natsume is kind in quiet ways, and not just with the people he cares about. Like with Anna, Natsume puts the needs of someone he isn’t close to in front of his own reputation.

Now, Natsume is in a horrible mood, embarrassed to be seen in the costume, and Ruka is confused why he’d even bother, until he sees the smile on the little kid and everything snaps into place for him. Mikan is a very intuitive and emotional girl who can sense things about all sorts of people, but when it comes to Natsume, nobody knows him better than Ruka, who can tell right away the motives for any of his actions.

I work at a restaurant and kids Natsume's age will be like, "I don't want a kids' menu" and act all grown up and then see how big the adult portions are, so they end up eating the Cub Pancake anyway LMAO. Do you want extra whipped cream and chocolate chips, Natsume?

Onto the actual NatsuMikan portion of this analysis, at long last, Mikan is overjoyed to see how adorable he is in his costume and she is the only one who won’t hold back from saying so because she’s not scared of him. I’ve seen someone complaining that Natsume says “Don’t call men cute,” but I always found that line funny because Natsume is a literal ten-year-old boy… He is not a man at all. It’s the sort of thing you’d expect a kid to say, especially one who wants to be a grown-up as soon as possible, which makes the line endearing to me, but that’s my personal feelings about it. (Like the above caption, I find it very amusing when little kids pretend they're all grown up.)

Anyway, Natsume is as much an idiot as he is in the anime, volunteering Mikan to be the prince, even using one of his three wishes to make it happen. This is all motivated by his feelings of humiliation, and he’s taking it out on her, arguing that he doesn’t want to wear the outfit for no reason so the show has to go on no matter the cost--but this will bite him in the ass sooner rather than later.

Chapter Twenty-Four

The chapter begins and Mikan is very nervous about playing the prince, particularly about looking the part as she is very uncomfortable with her hair down.

This is actually the first time we see Natsume’s feelings about it, but he’ll only make it more clear in about ten more chapters. Here, Mikan wonders if she should put her hair back up and Natsume snaps, “No!” before walking away in a huff. It’s a small scene, and it’s even told through tiny text, but it’s enough to let any reader paying attention know that Natsume also thinks Mikan looks cute with her hair down. Yes, he’s embarrassed to have said anything, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t say it.

Don't worry about him, he's just in a bad mood.

Natsume mainly observes, and nothing noteworthy happens. He eventually goes and gives his line and his aura alone is threatening enough to discourage anyone from laughing or “aww”ing.

The next important moment is when Mikan sees the stage direction to kiss the princess directly on the lips. Narumi says it’s because he’s trying to make up for the loss of sizzle due to the accident, but knowing him, there’s probably more to it. Naru likes stirring the pot and causing drama, although I can hardly tell what his motives are half the time. Truly, I believe he is the most mysterious character in the whole story.

Natsume does not allow this to happen, so he throws something at Mikan’s head--some random box thing--and Hotaru shuts off the lights.

Natsume does something kind of selfish here. He didn’t want them to kiss, so he stopped it. The fact that he grabbed the first thing he saw meant it was a sudden choice to chuck it. I wonder if he had any intentions of just toughing it out and dealing with it, but eventually jealousy won out and he did the selfish thing.

When I say selfish, I don’t mean “bad”. I just mean that for once Natsume is acting based on what he wants, rather than what will make somebody else happy. When it comes to this kid in particular, I actually want him to do selfish things more often, because he very rarely does. He’s been selfless and heroic enough for one day, having saved a kid from getting injured and then wearing that embarrassing costume. He’s allowed to have done this one thing for selfish reasons.

It’s not like it was a bad thing to do either. It would have only benefited Narumi, and possibly the somatic class to have a spicy musical kiss, but it wouldn’t have been good for Ruka or Mikan. Having their first kiss under such conditions, especially when Mikan was just doing the class a favor by acting in the play to begin with, would have been sad. Natsume essentially saved her from the consequences of his own actions, because it would have been his fault if they’d had no choice but to go through with it.

Moreover, like I said earlier, Ruka can simply tell what Natsume’s motives are from a single look. It’s more obvious in the anime, of course, but I still think manga!Ruka is aware that Natsume intervened. He knows Natsume better than anybody, and he’s too smart to think that box came out of nowhere.

This is just the beginning of a long-standing tension between them, one that they will dance around and pretend isn’t happening for quite a while before actually addressing it properly. For now, they have undiscussed feelings and jealousies that will go unchecked and unresolved for some time, building an even deeper divide between them. After all, Natsume and Ruka have enough of a gap on account of Natsume’s missions and his general feelings of not being able to fit in with anybody. This only broadens the gap.

Chapter Twenty-Six

The dance will be very fun to analyze from Mikan’s perspective, but we’re not nearly finished with Natsume’s, so that will have to wait.

For now, we’ll discuss Natsume’s softening, which Permy points out bitterly on account of being surrounded by closet fans. Previously, she says, they were terrified of him, and why wouldn’t they be? We talked ad nauseam about Natsume’s first thirteen chapters of misery and coldness. He was a scary and unkind guy, definitely unapproachable. Even his admirers in Class B were scared of him, equal parts affection and terror. In a very short time, Natsume has softened and it’s obvious. He even dressed as a cat for the somatic musical! His reputation for being cold and dangerous is softening and the girls who used to fear him are now flocking to him to ask if he’s willing to accept their last dance proposals.

But with all this talk about romance and dancing, Mikan feels left out and can’t relate. Her frustrations only grow when some girls start gossiping about her and she ends up taking it out on Natsume, saying she would never ever wanna dance with Natsume for the last dance. He brushes this off, but he still pouts, obviously affected and a little hurt. Their relationship was on the rise, after all. They were starting to hang out more and were bickering often, something Natsume doesn’t make a habit of doing with most people. But just because Natsume is feeling more fondness for her, that doesn't mean she feels the same way.

He expects this in some way, of course, because it's partially his intention. He expects that she would only tolerate him after everything that happened with them, but that doesn't mean he likes the feeling of rejection.

They're so cute when they pout!

Having a crush is bad enough, but hearing that girl shout that she’d never wanna go out with you is even harder, even if you were maybe purposefully making her angry with you to try and protect her. It would be a tough emotion to bear, especially for a kid unversed in romance. He proceeds to be just as huffy as her.

And as twisted as it is, I’m happy for him.

Natsume was cold and mean and difficult to talk to before he fell for Mikan. Now he’s way more approachable and expressive, willing on occasion to show an emotion that isn’t rage, like hurt or grumpiness or amusement. He can now sit at his desk and pout, something he wasn’t doing before, like a kid throwing a fit.

At the actual dance, Natsume is still hurt, still pouting. It doesn’t help that Mikan glares at him upon spotting him. It’s interesting to see how much this affects him. One girl said something harsh in the heat of the moment and he is taking it so personally. Of course, he gets hurt or angered by many things. Upperclassmen bully him and call him a murderer and he simply uses his alice on them to shut them up. He keeps his face straight, moves on, and forgets it. Naturally, the hurt and resentment sit there in his gut to torment him, because he’s a kid and they’re awful things for anyone to hear, but he’s not acting like that here. Here, he’s grumpy and pouty. His feelings are hurt but they don’t come with urges to punish like being called a murderer does.

And it’s obvious he has no genuine hard feelings because Natsume then shoves Ruka onto Mikan, since Ruka was being transparent about his gaze. He goes on to dance with someone else, anyone else, because Mikan made it clear that she too would rather dance with anyone else, just as long as it wasn’t him. He’s clearly still in a bad mood, though.

He's so used to not getting what he wants that he will do all of Ruka's work for him, so that Ruka can get what he wants.

Later, when Mikan and Natsume are singletons in the middle of the dance floor, they notice each other. Here would be a perfect opportunity to dance, but she made it clear she hated the idea, and he’s not about to embarrass himself to ask. Hence, he huffs again, pouting because there’s no way he’ll ask her to dance once she’s said such harsh things. They stand in silence for just a moment, until he finds some other girl to dance with and leaves Mikan all alone.

They’re both grumpy over the way they’re being treated by the other. Natsume is being immature and petty with his feelings, almost childish (heehee it's all I want for him!). With all the dark and depressing divide between Mikan’s academy life of fun and laughs and Natsume’s life of secret missions and physical abuse, he’s somehow found a way to wedge himself into hers. He’s taking something so minor so seriously. He’s been on the front lines, used his alice to hurt enemies and been hurt by enemies and dangerous ability types alike. He is literally dying and he’s aware of it! But he’s still pouting because the girl he likes was a little mean to him.

But the dance with the girl obviously wasn’t much fun, because Mikan quickly finds him again, away from the party, along a secluded path by some trees. He’s in a pouty mood and obviously needs some time alone with his thoughts.

It shows that he’s done some thinking because he doesn’t even mention her angry words from earlier.

Instead, he just calls the whole festival stupid.

We’re reminded here of a scene from way before they liked each other, when the festival was first announced. Then, she also found him playing with a dog, all on his own, using anger to mask his feelings of hurt. He said the same thing back then, that the whole thing was stupid and it was dumb to get all worked up about it. He’s doing it again now, but it’s a little different this time. Their relationship has changed, improved. They actually care about each other now, and although Natsume starts off just talking through his anger, he eventually turns honest.

The truth is that these periods of childishness will always have to end. It’s just an extended version of the dodgeball game. No matter how much emotion he puts into these experiences, they will be overshadowed by his real life. Now matter how much fun he has, he will always have to stop smiling and go kill himself on Persona’s orders. And even more honestly, the more fun he has, the harder it will be on the people he has fun with. It’s not enough for the ESP and Persona that Natsume completes his missions and does all his work; they find pleasure and relief in his constant misery. The second he cares about something, they use it against him. His joy is never meant to last and will always have consequences for the people he loves.

I hate tumblr's 10 image limit. I hate it. I despise it. I abhor it. I cannot come up with a caption. So instead I'll say again. I hate the 10 image limit.

And so he explains, for once, that he’s simply different from everyone else. The festival is something that doesn’t belong to him. He’s merely been an observer this whole time. He’s never actually been a part of it. And then he tells her that she should stay in the light, stay out of the dark. He calls her naive, but it’s not as much an insult as it used to be.

She is childish and loud and optimistic and annoying and a little sweet and even though he hated all these things about her before, he now realizes that these traits are things to be protected. The more she mingles with him, the darker her life will be. After all, her light is not the only thing that’s contagious: his darkness rubs off on people too, and in his mind it will only hurt her to be involved with him. She should stay in the light--in the shiny, sparkly side of the manga, where everyone is concerned with sports and coming up with ideas for the festival--and keep out of the dark--where there’s murder and blackmail and danger and death. It’s bad enough he can’t keep Youichi or Ruka out of it: Youichi is already in the DA class and Ruka came running after him. He can’t distance himself from them. The most he can do is protect them and raise their star ranks or keep them off of dangerous missions. But with Mikan he has a chance to really protect her, prevent her from being used against him at all. Ideally, she’ll stay away and he won’t need to worry about her as much.

And he wants her to be safe and gone, so when she asks what he means, he changes tactics and decides to be rude and mean instead, telling her to get lost and insulting her. She gets angry and it almost seems like it’ll be another bickering match, where they will both be childish and hurl insults at each other, but he doesn’t take that path.

She is complaining about how he doesn’t seem to know that she has a name, thank you very much--and then he calls her Mikan. He concedes to her demands. He does what he perceives to be the mature, adult thing, ending the argument so she will leave for good. When she has nothing left to argue about, she will have no choice but to walk away, and she does, once he makes it clear that his last command is for her to stop complaining about what he calls her.

Natsume chooses to do the selfless thing again, and gives up the first thing in a long time that made him happy. He barely had any time with her at all, but he lets her go, because she can only continue to be sunny and cheerful away from him. He’s giving up before anyone can tell that something was around for him to give up.

He has no idea how much one word has affected her.

Conclusion

Natsume is a selfless kid. He gives up on what he wants very easily, but especially because he knows that the second he gets what he wants, those things could be destroyed, just by association with him. He just wants the people he loves to be happy, even if it means he could never be.

In the next segment, we'll talk about what Natsume is willing to do to protect Mikan, even if it means being cruel and hurting her. NatsuMikan is the living embodiment of the "break her heart to save her" trope, and I very much adore that trope with my whole heart, so we're going to be having a LOT of fun with the next essay!

Also, disclaimer: I'm not smart. I refuse to take responsibility for any mistakes I make in these essays. There also are no mistakes. I've never misspelled a word in my life.

<- Previous Next ->

[honeyed-beans]

hey I’ve never listened to TAZ, but lately I’ve gotten an insane urge to do so... is it ok if I start with this new one? Do I need the context of all others?

Is Travis a really bad DM???

Hi!

(I’m so sorry this answer came out very long because I went on a Graduation analysis so if it’s too much than scroll to the bottom!)

To start with the first q. You can absolutely start on Ethersea first if you want! The fun part about TAZ is that it’s a anthology series. And the McElroy don’t tend to spoil or make large connections to other campaigns. At most they might reference a character name as a joke, but they don’t tend to dwell on it. It’s only vague references at best. So I would always suggest picking up whichever season speaks the most to you aesthetics wise, and/or whichever one is currently running, cause tbh it’s always nice to see real-time reactions from fans if you want to be in fandom spaces. AHS rules essentially.

For example, I’ve really gotten into Taz this past year, but I have never finished TAZ Amnesty so it’s definitely dealers choice.

Taz Ethersea is kind of a unique scenario because they’re doing a new game system. So the first couple of episodes are just world building and explaining the new system. It gives you time to decide if you want to listen to it now or not, because despite the first ep coming out today, the real game doesn’t start for another 3 weeks or so. Dw you’re not missing much right now.

The brief, no spoilers, descriptions of each campaign:

- Balance = A comedic globetrotting adventure story, with modern elements on a fantasy world. Techno music, very tongue in cheek. It’s the longest one, so storywise it’s a bit of a slow burn as the McElroys find their style. But because of its length it gives more time for the characters to breathe and thus it’s sorta the iconic golden child of TAZ. Most people would rec this one but I know the commitment can be kinda big if your not feeling it. So if another season takes your fancy more than go for that one instead.

- Amnesty = small-town americana, cryptids, sorta scooby doo / monster of the week vibe. Very eerie southern music.

- Commitment (superheroes) / Dust (what if Halloween town had cowboys in it) = these I wouldn’t suggest for a first time listen because they were experimental short stories. With 4 episodes each. None are DMed by Griffin. But very fun in their own right.

- Graduation = Comedic, intrigue, fantasy, takes place in one location (a university), plays on the themes of growing up. Very soft, lighthearted, calming soundtrack with a lot of slow notes. This one is Travis as the DM.

- Ethersea = we don’t know anything about it yet. Post-apocalypse underwater season. Very dreamy water inspired music?

Ok so q2: Is Graduation Bad and is Travis a Bad DM?

Short answer? This campaign was polarising. There are some real critiques to be made on Travis’s style. But I think some aspects of critique have been blown out of proportion. In essence he wasn’t fully prepared to helm a show with a really demanding fan base that had high expectations. But I think Grad was good actually!

Longer answer:

Some people bring up stuff about his disabilities or how he acted outside of the show. I’m just viewing it from a objective stance of someone who listened to the episodes as they came out.

Trav has a tendency to have a lot of ideas he wants to show off and unfortunately tended to jump around a lot. So plot points that I personally may have wanted more time to explore got introduced and dropped a lot. Made worst by the fact that it’s a short season. If there’s not a lot of time to explore everything than weaker pacing becomes more evident. Moreover he wasn’t Griffin, and some people think Griffin can do no wrong and there is certainly favouritism for some fans.

BUT I loved it!! Definitely my favourite! It had a really engaging setting I was all over. And it had the strongest main cast out of all of them. Each main character had a good plot, with good progression, and most importantly they spent time developing a bind with eachother. Something that some of the campaigns don’t spend much time doing. They were a trio for a reason, not because events forced them to be. And it sucks that people are dismissing Grad so much because of it!

People got so upset it wasn’t living up to their expectations of Balance that they got hostile which made Grad likers hostile in return. On Twitter every post from the official page had comments begging them to end Grad immediately because it was shit and we deserved better?? So they tried to end it quickly to please these yelling fans and that only made a ending with more plot holes, and thus more complaining. There was a episode where Trav made a joke that a character handed them a chalice full of liquidised drugs at a party, and than the main cast decided to drink it. And the tag was just filled with people saying that Travis was encouraging drug taking to kids?????

At the end of the day Grad was still a fun comedy dnd podcast with lovable characters 🥰 I would suggest listening to it if it’s your cup of tea. As long as your aware that Trav is clumsier with pacing than Griff than you’re in for a pretty wild and very very ‘fun with little consequence’ campaign! Ironically most of these problems would be fixed if Graduation had more episodes lmao.

Tldr: Pick whichever one you like! TAZ is a anthology that doesn’t run into eachother so follow your heart! Technically Ethersea hasn’t started yet. I love Graduation a lot but Travis struggles to keep all his balls in the air so if that will annoy you a lot than I would understand leaving it for now. But I don’t think it’s as bad as some people make it out to be.

This was probably a lot of info to drop on you but if you want to clarify anything, or just chat don’t hesitate to send me a dm! TAZ is super fun and a nice way to occupy your time while your doing other tasks. I hope you enjoy it! ❤️

[latetaektalk]

hi there ^^' i'm... kinda new to this whole tumblr thing and have been wanting to write on here for a while but this huge place is kinda scary sometimes haha ;; do you have any writing tips or tricks that would be good to know for newcomers? (also your music taste is immaculate, i love it)

hey love 💕 first of all, welcome to tumblr!! its a fun place,, youre gonna love it, and learn to hate it lol second of all, thank you for complimenting my music taste 😳

now im not quite sure if you want only writing tips or writing blog tips, so ive included tips and tricks for both!

WRITING BLOG TIPS :

have a masterlist. this might seem stupid and obvious, but ive seen people with no masterlist. people are lazy, so if they cant access your writing easily, they will just click away.

have a clean theme. aesthetics are important. they are. people love clean and easy to navigate themes. again, people are lazy, so if you make it easy to click through your blog and get to your writing, youll increase the chance of people reading your stuff!

how to get your work show up in general. putting links in your fanfic might lead to your story not showing up in the search. ive also heard that a banner thats too big can cause that. even using too many tags can lead to your work not showing up. its complicated.

the first five tags. im sure youve heard abt this already but the first five tags are the tags that will actually show up! so if someone follows #bts fluff and you tag your fic with that, your fic can show up on people's dashes as a recommended post!

tag accordingly. speaking of tags, please tag accordingly! theres nothing more annoying than finding a jimin fanfic in the taehyung fanfic tag. i really discourage you from mistagging your stories. if im scrolling through the taehyung fanfic tag and find a jimin fanfic, it makes me want to not read it. just tag your fics accordingly.

reblog your fics. i mean it. seriously, reblog them as much as you want! people live in different time zones or sometimes forget abt wanting to read your stuff, so reblogging it consistently for a week or so to get it on people's dashes helps!

teasers and taglists. i recommend doing both! teasers help to get people excited for your story and taglists ensure that people will read it, or at least remember to!

dont stress abt notes. now, this is less of a tip but rather something i just really really really want to tell you! i know youve heard this before, but please do not stress about notes. tumblr fame does not exists! it doesnt matter if your writing gets 2 notes or 300 or 5k notes! i do understand how getting a lot of notes can be motivating (every fics deserve all the love in the world by the way!!) but in the end, it should not be your motiviation to write. focusing on notes will ruin writing for you. it will. the amount of notes your fic will reach has nothing to do with how good your writing is. dont let something as superficial as notes ruin the fun of writing for you. its seriously not worth it! write for you and no one else!

WRITING TIPS :

write self indulgent fics. i seriously think all fics should be self indulgent. writing fics should be fun, so please write whatever you want! also, theres no such thing as an overdone trope. if you want to write a fake dating enemies to lovers fic, please write it! you might think there are already a bunch out there and its not worth writing another one, but youre wrong! there isnt one out there thats been written by you yet. go write it!

make playlists. now this is a bit specific to me because im absolutely obsessed with music, but making playlists that fit the mood of the fic has always helped me while writing and gotten me out of writers block before!

take your time. writing is freaking hard and when writers block hits, theres rarely ever something that you can do. try not to stress too much abt it! it happens to the best of us!

balance dialogue and detail. its important to find a middle. if im reading a fic and theres paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of detail, the chance of me just skipping that part is really high. because even though i love detail, it does get boring. so use dialogue to spice it up!

reading. okay, this sounds weird because youre asking for writing tips, but reading seriously help your writing so much! if you wanna improve your writing skills, reading a lot is going to be key. now, im not saying reading is necessary, but i do think that it can help you to better! whats even more important though is that you try to analyse people’s writing while reading. when i say you should analyse people’s writing, i do not mean you should write an entire analysis of a book, but to take a second and think to yourself how the authors just did that. how did they convey oc’s sadness? why did they just describe the weather? whats the purpose of this scene?

switch up sentence/paragraph length. shorter sentences/paragraphs = emphasise something and pick up the pace. longer sentences/paragraphs = slow down the story and allow for more detail. its important that you do a mix of both. utilise the length to your advantage. a well placed short sentence/paragraph can pack a lot of punch and turn your sad story in a heartbreaking one.

outline your fics. look this is very personal again because some people dont like to outline their fics, but i recommend outlining your fics. and when i say outline your fics, you can do it as little or as much as you want! it can be a few notes, or a long list of every detail you want to include. i just want you to know where this story is headed. its so easy to write yourself in a corner and trust me, you dont wanna end up there.

allow yourself to be free. this connects to the previous point i just made. even though i do recommend outlining your fics, i am also a firm believer of taking the story somewhere else if you feel like it. ive scrapped complete outlines before. half of the scenes i write also arent in my outline at all. you dont have to stick to the outline. if you think that a specific scene would add something to your story, then please go ahead and write that scene. just always remember where youre headed and dont loose focus.

have fun. i just really wanna reiterate this point again. its just so important to me that you have fun while writing! seriously. its just fanfiction. it should be fun. go crazy. i support you!

okay bub i hope this was helpful 💕 if you have any other questions/want more tips/want me to elaborate on something, please just hit me up! my ask box is always open!

[deadlyanddelicate]

look what you made me do || 1/?

aka: me making taylor swift songs about dean winchester and/or deancas bc it’s what dean himself would want

(i will be keeping track of these with a masterpost, just in case i need to find them again or someone enjoys seeing me go hogwild on lyric analysis, lol. also, there’s a wee treat at the end of the post!)

and without further ado, our first tswift x dean song is...

the archer

combat, i'm ready for combat i say i don't want that, but what if i do?

we start off with an extremely obvious line: dean winchester is always ready for combat - he’s been trained all his life to essentially be a soldier/vigilante figure, an ultimate warrior of sorts. the thing is... he doesn’t want to. when dean is left to his own devices, without his father to order him around or a Big Bad to spur him on, what he chooses to do is is cook for his loved ones, have movie nights with them, play music, tinker with parts to build something new. at his core dean is kind, and full of care for others, and his deepest fear is that he truly IS nothing more than just a killer or a weapon - hence the ‘but what if i do’.

'cause cruelty wins in the movies  i've got a hundred thrown out speeches i almost said to you 

‘the movies’ here is just shorthand for everything he’s witnessed happening around him in real life. as far as dean’s experience goes, cruelty does win. why believe in softness and kindness when your father has taught you that either of those things is a weakness, and the world simply doesn’t care? 

as for the second line, well. you can guess what THAT’s about. dean feels so deeply, but really struggles to verbalise his feelings, often brushing them off until he explodes. we usually see him at his most vulnerable while praying to cas, but even then, you get the sense that he’s holding back on so much. (“cas, i need to say something--” “you don’t need to say it, dean.” so it goes, so it goes.)

easy they come, easy they go i jump from the train, i ride off alone  i never grew up, it's getting so old help me hold onto you 

a few points here: “i jump from the train” could easily be a callback to dean’s impulsive self-sacrificing ways, and “i never grew up” underlines how he never got the chance to evolve and grow into himself because he got essentially stuck in the “child parenting another child” role. sure, he had to be a mother and a father to sam, so in some ways he grew up really fast; in others, he was stuck as an insecure teenager, because he never got the opportunity for healthy emotional growth himself. 

and of course, “easy they come, easy they go” is a tragically accurate representation of dean’s most devastating insecurity: that everyone he loves eventually leaves him. mary died, john was constantly absent, cassie broke up with him when he tried to tell her the truth, sam left him behind for college, and then, of course, there’s cas... who just. keeps. leaving, one way or another, and dean just desperately wants him to stay - which also ties into “help me hold on to you”. the irony of it all, of course, is that dean wants castiel to choose not to leave, whereas castiel desperately wants to be asked to stay; and ain’t that just a fucking tragedy.

i've been the archer, i've been the prey who could ever leave me, darling? (but who could stay?) 

the first line is pretty self-explanatory: dean has been both aggressor and victim, both literally and emotionally. he’s a fearsome hunter who gets hunted down by monsters in turn; and he’s lashed out and pushed people away, while getting his heart broken in return too. 

but it’s the second part that really strikes me as a dean line, because the first half - “who could ever leave me, darling?” - is the bravado that dean wears like a mask. charming smile, a flirty wink, swagger in like you own the place, “i think i’m adorable”, “i’m a joy to be around”, etc. but the second part... that’s the whisper of truth behind it. for all that dean can turn the charm on and put on a brave face, he’s thoroughly convinced that he’s not worth sticking around for.

dark side, i search for your dark side but what if I'm alright, right, right, right here? 

so, can you say trust issues? remember how long it took for dean to believe an angel could be on his side, and then how deeply he came to trust cas? and remember how heartbroken he was when castiel betrayed them in s6, and how that heartbreak was covered up with anger when cas came back? yet, no matter how many twists and turns they go through, inevitably, dean ends up trusting cas with his life - he’s not only the definition of a ride-or-die, but he also trusts him in smaller, more intimate ways, such as letting down his guard and allowing himself to be vulnerable only around him, or praying to him for comfort as much as guidance.

and i cut off my nose just to spite my face  then hate my reflection for years and years 

...but because of those trust issues, and because of dean’s deeply entrenched abandonment issues as mentioned above, often dean ends up reacting to things more harshly than is needed, by lashing out in anger and pushing people away (or, in more than one occasion, through the infamous silent treatment). but we also know he immediately regrets it, because it ends up hurting him just as much, if not more. basically this correlates to his speech from 15x09 about his anger issues.

i wake in the night, i pace like a ghost the room is on fire, invisible smoke and all of my heroes died all alone help me hold onto you

there’s also the fact that having attachments as a hunter isn’t exactly safe, and comes with a shitton of fear of losing people - or remorse and regret when you do lose them. “the room is on fire, invisible smoke” - i can only imagine dean would still have nightmares of that fateful night when he was 4 years old and his mother burned alive on a ceiling (and so: “i wake in the night, i pace like a ghost). as for his heroes dying alone... mary. john. ellen. jo. ash. kevin. charlie. the list stretches way too long. it’s only natural he’d be afraid of losing cas too... especially since he’s already died multiple times, and dean has mourned him more and more devastatingly each time.

i've been the archer, i've been the prey screaming “who could ever leave me, darling”-- but who could stay? 

the same concept as the previous chorus, except that here the façade of confidence and swagger comes off almost as desperate (screaming “who could ever leave me”). but then we know overcompensating is kinda dean’s thing.

'cause they see right through me, they see right through me they see right through me -- can you see right through me? they see right through me, they see right through me  i see right through me, i see right through me 

and we circle back to dean’s constant fear of being found worthless, damaged, and unlovable. no matter how much bravado he puts on, his actual self-worth is close to non-existent, so of course he’d feel like a fraud, and it makes sense he’d fear other people seeing through his act, or wonder if they do - can cas see right through him? because dean himself certainly isn’t buying his own lies.

all the king's horses, all the king's men couldn't put me together again 'cause all of my enemies started out friends help me hold onto you 

the first line just... hurts me a lot. i guess it’s the nursery rhyme sound of it, almost trying to take the bite of a statement which is, essentially: i’m broken beyond repair. as i said above, dean’s not buying his own lies, he knows exactly how much baggage and trauma he carries. and not to go back to the trust issues again, but it is hard to believe someone could see past that when there’s so much betrayal in your history (which, yes, has included cas at one point too, as well as sam, or, say, fucking chuck).

i've been the archer, i've been the prey who could ever leave me, darling? (but who could stay?) who could stay? who could stay? you could stay, you could stay... 

and then... we have the third repeat of the chorus, which echoes the first, softer version of it, but with a fundamental difference. this time, the rhetorical question “who could stay?” finds a pointed answer in “you could stay”. because yes, maybe cas leaves a lot, but he always, always comes back. so i’d imagine dean harbours hope that one day, maybe, cas will want to actually... stay for good.

combat, i'm ready for combat

and that hope kinda gives this final line a whole new lovely layer of meaning: dean’s no longer ready for combat just because he’s been trained for combat all his life; rather, he’s ready for combat because for once in his life, he has something to look forward to; something to fight for: the happy ending he deserves, where someone - perhaps someone in a dirty trenchcoat and tired blue eyes - will finally stay.

---

BONUS: literally the day after i started obsessing over this song as a dean song, i found a fanvid of it! if that’s not serendipitous, i don’t know what is <3

[chooseyouovereveryone]

Brittana Analysis Part 2: Musical Choices (Smaller Parts in Songs)

Continuing on the Brittana Music Analysis. Part 1 focuses on all of their main songs, but thought it would be good to also mention some of the smaller ones too, their parts in group numbers etc.

So here goes:

Do You Wanna Touch and Touch a Touch a Touch a Touch Me refers to their sexual relationship, back in the days when Santana would only label it as so, and no feelings were allowed.

My Cup, the whole damn song. No explanation needed.

Light Up The World is one of the most meaningful smaller parts for me, because the lyrics are just perfect for them. Santana singing "you and me keep on dancing in the dark, it's been tearing me apart, never knowing what we are etc." is absolutely the Brittana relationship at that point in the series from her perspective. Then we have Brittany singing all about "throw your doubts away", while Artie takes the other line, showing the love triangle dynamic between the three of them. Since this is an original song, I head canon that Santana wrote this part of the song.

Run The World (Girls) is mainly a Brittany solo in line with her presidential campaign, but it's interesting to me that they have Santana sing the "you'll do anything for me" line. Since this song is about Brittany, it's likely Santana is meaning that about her, in that she's acknowledging Brittany will do anything for her. A nice touch because I already touched on in the previous post how Songbird shows Santana implying she'd give Brittany the world. It seems they are both mutual in that aspect.

Rumour Has It/Someone Like You sang in the aftermath of Santana finding out she's been outed, with Brittany and Santana both sharing such a powerful moment together in this song. The transition from Santana singing about finding a girl to her spinning around to look at this girl she's found is such a pivotal moment for them and really well done imo. You can clearly see Santana's fear during this performance, Brittany's too (she too is about to be consequentially outed but I feel her fear is more for Santana than for her own sake), but that moment they share is almost like Santana draws the strength from Brittany. The world is about to find out her secret, but in the same breath her "dreams came true" (as it says in the lyrics) and she's happy with Brittany, so maybe (just maybe) it will all be okay in the end. And guess what Santana? It was.

Constant Craving is mainly about Santana's journey to acceptance, but notice how Santana looks at Brittany when she sings "even through the darkest phase, be it thick or thin, always someone marches brave, here beneath my skin", as if Brittany's own bravery during those hard times gave Santana strength and courage. It's also plausible to say that Brittany was a "constant craving" for Santana.

The First Time implies that Santana felt deeper feelings from the first time she hooked up with Brittany, even though she couldn't accept that at the time. This is later backed up when she admits in 4x04 that she had feelings in Sophomore Year so right back in S1 when they potentially started sleeping together (if not before). While it's obvious what Santana is reflecting on since she sings about "the first time ever I lay with you", it's uncertain whether the flashback scene is from the first time they met or their first hook up, but regardless we see that instant attraction and spark between them from both the scene and the lyrics.

Take My Breath Away and Love You Like A Love Song; the prom songs. Take My Breath Away is pretty self explanatory because the whole song is a love song, and Santana makes sure to sing part of this to Brittany and they share a moment together. Love You Like A Love Song is even more poignant because it's a Santana solo, so it's likely she picked the song. She picked a song all about her girlfriend, but she made sure to pick a current song. That way, in true private Santana fashion, she could pass it off as it just being a crowd pleasing song that everyone loves at the moment. But she does make sure to turn to Brittany and sing to her "constantly, girl you play through my mind like a symphony". Hello lyric change from boy to girl as well, which Brittana always do in their songs with/about each other.

So Emotional while being a duet that symbolises the Pezberry friendship, both Santana and Rachel are singing to their respective partners. They both run over to them for the "I get so emotional baby" part, and although they turn to point at each other for the "every time I think of you" bit, I feel this was just for performance purposes. It's more realistic for Santana to be singing that about Britt, and likewise Rachel with Finn. Santana also points at Brittany for the "I keep your photograph beside my bed" and although we don't know if Santana actually does have a photo of Britt beside her bed, we know that Brittany definitely has one of Santana.

You Get What You Give is naturally an emotional number for them since Santana is having to leave Brittany behind when she should have been graduating with her. Santana runs over to Brittany for the "don't let go" part which could relate to their relationship and not letting go of that despite the obstacles and distance they are ultimately about to face. The "one dance left" part is also significant.

The Scientist has two meanings for me when it comes to Santana's lines when she's singing "Nobody said it was easy etc." in that nobody said that long distance relationships were easy, as well as nobody said that breaking up with Brittany was the easiest choice either. The mature choice, but not the easy one.

There Are Worse Things I Could Do is something Santana merely has to sing in character as Rizzo, but it's clear that she is thinking about Brittany when she sings "but to cry in front of you, that's the worst thing I could do". This off the back of Brittany telling Santana to think of something really emotional to get in character aka. them not being together anymore. It references how Santana could be the one putting on a tough front (Brittany being the one to be more expressive with her feelings in telling Santana how much she misses her and how she wants them to get back together), but deep down her feelings are evident. She clearly misses and loves Brittany, she's just trying her hardest not to show it, because once she gives in that to vulnerability she knows there's no way back.

Toxic the unholy trinity version was rehashed since it was a past performance of theirs, but contextually I do think about the fact they picked that particular number since it was a group song rather than them redoing a performance that just the three of them did. Since Santana is most probably the one who picks the song with it being her idea, it's telling to me that she picks to do a sexually charged routine with the lyrics "I'm addicted to you" etc. It's almost like she wanted to do this sort of routine with Brittany, but uses the guise of Quinn to make it more subtle. As it's also a song about falling for someone dangerously and "it's getting late to give you up", it foreshadows the temptation Santana encounters later when Brittany kisses her and lays everything on the line, even though Santana has a girlfriend. We later see she chooses Brittany, so this could link to the song.

Problem, well the "every time you touch me, and say you love me" line that they sing to each other is pretty self explanatory, but Brittany also sings "cause even though I shouldn't want it, I gotta have it, I want you" which could relate back to their earlier days when Brittany was the one chasing Santana, but could also have a double meaning of Brittany referring to Santana being the one who used to tell her she shouldn't want it, and almost teasing her with that. The playful manner in which they dance to this line, and the wink from Brittany, could be them showing us how far they've come in that the fear of "I shouldn't want it" was very much real for them both at one point, and now no longer is.

Home I think is really poignant for them because that whole performance takes them back to the beginning in their relationship in terms of Santana being homecoming royalty with Puck, and having to revisit all of that. I talk more about it here and how all their S6 scenes paralleled earlier scenes. In this song they sing "man oh man you're my best friend", which links to that whole "going back to the start thing" in showing how it all began, since best friends is how they started out. It's also how they've always remained throughout their relationship and even during their break up, and something they've always said to each other first and foremost, and I believe at times they said this when they weren't brave enough to say I love you (Santana in 2x22) or when they were restricted in saying it (4x13 when they clearly still loved each other but Brittany was with Sam).

You Learn/You've Got A Friend is actually one of my fav Glee performances, and I think the Brittana moment in this is super sweet and underrated. I always love how as soon as Santana walks in, Brittany gets straight up to join her and stand by her side. She can't get to her fast enough. Lyrically, their lines fit this because Santana sings "close your eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there" on her own, and it's almost as if Brittany was sitting and thinking about her since they are apart, but as she thought of her, Santana appeared. They then begin singing together about brightening up even the darkest nights for each other, something that I'm sure they've both done a lot of. The way they sing that line when they are reunited (not that I think they were apart for very long haha) is almost as if being around each other brightens up everything. The whole song is obviously about living, loving and learning, something they've definitely had experience of all 3 of, and they make reference to that in their gestures throughout the song.

At Last is one that I'm going to talk about since they picked it as their wedding song. It's also one that doesn't need much analysis. It was a very fitting song for them, because even though they got married young, their relationship was still very "at last", this is where we are. It took them so long to get there. Santana's denial, the love triangle with Artie, the grey area of not labelling things even though they were already acting like they were dating, the pain of Santana's outing, the long-distance, the break up, Sam, MIT, Dani, Santana being scared to get back with Brittany at first. But it's kinda like what Brittany says in their vows, she would have suffered it all just for the tiny chance of marrying Santana, and undoubtedly Santana would "1000 times yes" do the same. "At last the lonely days were gone", and they got their happy ending. I also really like the lyric "And life is like a song" because it could relate back to Songbird "and the songbirds are singing like they know the score". This on makes my heart happy, it was the perfect choice for them ❤️

Hey Ya! & last but not least I couldn't not talk about their other wedding song choice, Hey Ya! This is a pretty typical song to play at weddings, gets everyone up dancing, it's feel good etc. That's probably the reason that Brittany and Santana picked it (also fitting with what I said about them keeping private mushy moments to themselves and picking a more up beat first dance song that everyone can join in for the actual wedding). But the writers obviously picked it as a nod to Heather and Naya with it being their final episode, and to humour the Heya fandom.

& that's a wrap :) Might have missed some, but off the top of my head this is what I've got!

[spaceorphan18]

What do you think about Kurt and Blaine’s chemistry in season 5? for some reason I’ve always felt like it was really off in the New York arc. I’m not sure whether it was the fact that the writers were only giving Klaine tension instead of happy moments or whether it was due to Darren/Chris, or if I’m just imagining it. Kurt just definitely seemed so cold during that period of time.

You know, I kinda figured I’d get this question eventually, lol.  

So - let’s talk about the New York Arc and Advanced Television Production.  

This question has /layers/ lol. 

For a simple answer, so you can check out if you’d like, I think their chemistry was fine, I think production was super rushed and flimsy at points, and I don’t really think Chris or Darren had anything to do what you might feel is /off/ but since actors are the face of the show, they get the brunt of the feedback.  

For a longer answer (and I mean long) follow under the cut! 

So, among being an avid fan of film production where I’ve picked up a lot of the industry knowledge (to which I’m not very -- just a fan) I’ve been listening a lot to The Office Ladies podcast, and they’ve been bringing some stuff up that I think is important to remember about film and tv production.  There are a lot of parts that go into it.  There’s the writer’s intentions, the director’s vision, the editor’s cut, the producer’s needs, and the actor’s performances.  And between those things - the show becomes what it is.  

1. The writing - The writing of Klaine in the New York Arc makes more sense when you look at the thing as a whole within context.  Kurt and Blaine were headed down a path towards a break up.  Kurt felt like he was losing his individuality and wasn’t communicating that well to Blaine, there were also some unresolved issues due to the previous break up, and the fact that Kurt was so stubborn on his stance about marriage.  Meanwhile, Blaine was so insecure, he depended on his relationship to mend those feelings, and tried to preserve that perfect feeling instead admitting that he needed help and the relationship wasn’t perfect.  

I’m oversimplifying, there are a lot more complex parts going on but neither of them were truly happy despite them feeling grown up adults in the city of their dreams.   The point being that they needed some time apart to grow up and mature a little to understand what being in an adult relationship means (explored more in season 6 after the break up).  

One of the problems, in general, with the writing is that it was so focused on the more dramatic moments of the Klaine story, we didn’t get to see much happy down time or times when they did work better.  This is a fault of Glee in general being a story about big moments and broad brushstrokes rather than zeroing in on the nuances of a complex relationship.  

2. The direction - believe it or not, the actors are kind of vessels for what production needs them to be.  Chris and Darren are both professionals (I’ll get to them in a minute) and if the director wanted more angst he’d give them another take.  Ultimately - the director makes the call whether or not he’s happy with how the scene is playing out.  If the directors weren’t happy with Chris or Darren’s performance, they would have done it over again.  

3. Editing - so, I’ve studied Glee long enough as an artform to now have paid attention to things like editing.  And let me say this -- I have long had issues with the way this show is edited.  I’ll have to do a separate post on it if you really want it, but let’s say -- how you put together a TV show from various takes makes a huge difference.  And by season five, the editing was choppy and often misleading.  Part of it is because the scripts weren’t great.  Part of it is because at this point I think they were under pressure to get things done in a short amount of time.  And part of it is, I believe, by season 5, most of production didn’t have their hearts invested as much as they used to.  

This goes and in hand with... 

4. General production -- I do think this context is important.  A beloved member of their family - Cory Monteith - had just passed away.  That is /hard/.  It’s hard to work around, it’s hard to write around, it’s hard to produce a show when someone you care for just isn’t there anymore.  On top of that - Glee was not as popular as it once was.  They were probably getting pressure from the network to do the show with less money, which meant less time to do all the normal production stuff -- and because glee had to incorporate things like musical performances, they were always pressed for time, which can cause sloppy production values.  

5. Notes from the Network - there are always some -- I have no idea what they were, and what the network insisted they had to change, but the network always hand some kind of hand in shaping the show for better or worse. 

6. Chris and Darren -- okay, let’s talk about this, even though I’m a little over this one, cause I’m tired of the two of them getting blamed for things - especially in season 5. 

First of all, I don’t know either of them personally.  And I think it’s unfair to speak for them.  Unless they come out and say specifically how they felt about that time period, I would say take this analysis with a grain of salt.  

No. I don’t think Chris was checked out.  I’ve often said that Chris’s time on Glee is a lot like going to college.  Sometimes it can be the best times! Sometimes it can be the worst.  I know when I finished, I just wanted it to be done and over so I could move on with my life.  I do think Chris was tired of certain aspects of the show -- I think he was tired of having to grow up on camera and in the media.  I think he was tired of people constantly thinking he was dating his costar when he (clearly) was not.  And both he and Darren were vocal about not really wanting Kurt and Blaine to get married (or being boring in the background of scenes). 

Do I think he hated his job? No.  Do I think he hated Klaine? No(ish).  I think he wished Kurt had his own story line, and I do think both he and Darren actually enjoyed the heavier emotional stuff they were getting by the time season 5 came around.  I also think that Chris does not want to be known as Kurt nor as one half of a popular TV couple because it impedes on his individuality.  And I also think Chris was ready to move onto other things in his life.  

Do I think that bleed into the show? No, I really do not.  I think Chris knew how the season was going to play out - and played it accordingly.  

(As an aside - I want to point out that Kurt during the NYC Arc is generally unhappy with more than just Blaine.  And in fact, I’d argue, he’s more irritated with Rachel at any given point than he is with Blaine.  Go watch Old Dogs New Tricks again -- he could have stuck it to Darren/Blaine, he did not.  He stuck it to Lea.  But that’s a completely different topic for later.)  

Meanwhile, Darren! So, I’m going to preface this by saying -- I love Darren, I really do, and under good circumstances, he can be a great actor.  And he has some just stellar moments in the NYC Arc.  He also has some not so great ones, too - and out of the two of them Darren wavers in acting quality during this time period.  I promise, it’s not a slam on Darren (I do love him!) but there’s some over-acting (and a little underacting) that’s going on, which doesn’t help much. 

Also, I want to point out, that a lot of issues Chris was vocal about concerning Klaine, Darren had as well, he was just better about being diplomatic to the fans about it.  He also wasn’t (as) bothered as Chris was about the whole tinhat thing (unless it involved verbally assaulting Mia, which then he put his foot down - yes that happened.) 

So.... let’s talk a little about the episodes in NYC Arc and hit up some of the problem points, shall we? 

New New York 

The biggest issue people always seem to have with this one is the performance of You Make Me Feel So Young - which is off putting out of context.  They’re supposed to be happily living together, right?? What’s going on?? Well, we’re a good nine months after Blaine moved in, it’s the morning after the bedbug scare where they were up half the night, and Kurt is a person who just needs his space and they’re living in a place that doesn’t have any walls. On top of that - Blaine is pushing a little hard on his fantasy of wanting to be an old married couple already. I’m not surprised Kurt isn’t all roses and daisies about it.  

Am I sad we didn’t get to see the first few months of sunshine and rainbows? Yes absolutely! They definitely allude to the fact that they’re having a lot of sex -- and I’m sure there were a ton of sexy times in the beginning. But living in one room with five-ish other people is not fun, especially for someone who needs alone time and space to recharge.  Or someone who just wants to have sexy times with his fiance and can’t because roommates.  

No, You Make Me Feel So Young isn’t the most feels-y, but I’ll also argue that Kurt isn’t the most checked out either.  There are moments in there where Kurt is genuinely happy and having fun messing around with Blaine.  And the point of the song is that they are young and shouldn’t be singing that dumb-ass song about being old marrieds anyway.  

The other thing is the whole Blaine moving out stuff.  Which... is entirely because it propels the plot of everything else going on, not because logic.  I do not really believe any young, engaged couple wouldn’t kick their friends out to their other friends house if that was an option so they could be together. But the show needed Kurt and Rachel to remain living together so Kurt could continue to be Rachel’s emotional prop.  Whatever. And they wanted to set up the ending where Blaine moved back in again as a full circle moment (even though they end up breaking up again, lol I’ll get to it.) 

So writing nonsense aside, I think they handled the important scene at the end of the episode really, really well.  It’s one of my favorite Klaine scenes because it’s a time when Kurt actually expresses what’s in his heart - that he’s conflicted because he’s figuring out that love is not all you need to make a relationship work and he doesn’t know how to navigate that -- or if ultimately, the relationship is what he wants.  But, it is, and his saying that his relationship with Blaine is one of the most precious things in his life is one of the strongest affirmations about anything that Kurt ever gives.  Happy or not happy in that moment, Kurt values his relationship with Blaine above everything - and will protect what he thinks the relationship means at all costs -- even if it means breaking his own heart in the process.  

Bash

This episode is a mess, and the weakest written episode of the arc.  It’s essentially two very different plot lines unevenly stapled together.  Kurt being bashed doesn’t get enough screen time, and it ends up being a morality tale for Rachel rather than delving into the impact it has on the actual gay members of the group.  Blaine’s POV is very limited, which is a shame because there’s an entire story there they really should have told.  

I’m using the still above to show that, yes, as awkward as the set up the scene above is - Kurt’s happy to see Blaine when he enters.  

Why is Kurt so cold during the scene where they lay flowers at the dude’s attack scene?  I don’t think he is? I think he’s recovering from getting the shit beaten out of him, and I’m under the impression that they guy actually died in the initial shooting of the scene and they changed it in post to have him live.  On top of that - Blaine’s feeling clingy because he almost lost the person whom his entire self worth is relying on at the moment.  

Tested

Tested is super, super complicated, and I’m just not going to rehash it here... again.  Please read my meta on this one - I do go incredibly in depth on it.  

I will say this -- Tested is an episode that is densely packed, and relies on subtext to tell a lot of its story.  While I love this episode, the episode needed to be 100% focused on Klaine to really do the stories they were telling justice, and a lot of it is up to interpretation.  

The biggest push back I always get on this one is the ending, and Kurt seeming ‘cold’ here.  And I’ll say this -- You can love a person deeply, and still be as affirming as you can, and still be upset about how they were treating you.  You can be sympathetic to their plights and frustrated that these conversations keep having to be had.  Blaine’s insecurities are feeling heavy to Kurt -- that is a part of being in a relationship, that is a part of being in an adult relationship.  Your prince and knight in shining armor is going to eventually be a human being with problems that you can’t always solve.  And sometimes that is tiring - no matter how much you love a person.  

Opening Night

There is zero Klaine in this episode - because it’s Rachel’s episode, and Kurt was needed as the gay best friend emotional prop.  Do I think there was an missed opportunity to show Kurt and Blaine happily dancing together at the club? I do! But I don’t think it has anything to do with any interpretation of their characters.  I think they told the actors to go have fun - and they did. 

The Back Up Plan

I don’t necessarily have any major faults with this episode, nor have I heard much push back against it?  Out of all of the episodes - this is the one where I do have some minor quibbles with acting, some of it being from Darren not clicking Blaine on for ten seconds or so at the beginning, and some of it from Chris being over-the-top in a few places, but nothing that fully takes me out of it.  Neither of them are being different in scenes with each other than they are in scenes with other people.  And there are some really solid Klaine moments in the episode itself.   

Old Dogs, New Tricks

AKA The one that Chris wrote.  Here’s my thing...  there isn’t very much Blaine in this episode (wisely so).  I think a) Chris wanted to write Kurt a story line that didn’t involve Blaine so Kurt could have a story line that didn’t have Blaine -- and that’s fine and valid and b) I don’t think he wanted the pressure of writing for Blaine, so wisely didn’t have him in it much. 

He wrote a very sweet Klaine moment that incorporated the overall story.  I have no complaints.  And I’ll add -- Chris (purposely so I assume) directed all the passive-aggressive writer-y things towards Rachel.  I do believe if he ultimately was having issues with Darren (or Blaine) he would have had zero compulsion about bringing that into the script. 

The Untitled Rachel Berry Project

Do people have issues with this one? -- I really only have one, and that’s the end of the scene referenced above with the still.  And it’s a good example of how I think production effects story.  This is a beautiful scene, until the last few beats.  We have this big emotional moment for Klaine -- and then it’s capped with a really dumb joke about Blaine being the luckiest guy in the world and a throwaway, badly edited kiss (scored to some upbeat, tacky scoring).  If it were me - I’d let the emotion of the scene continue, let the boys stay on the steps, let them kiss in an emotionally driven moment, and then they can go run up stairs to have sex and not make a joke about being turned on by birds.  The last ‘joke’ can be left on the cutting room floor because it’s really not needed.  But Glee being a ‘comedy’ felt the need to cap the moment before the break with a joke because it’s Glee.  

See what I mean? That’s not Chris or Darren’s fault.  That’s one part writing, one part directing/editing, and one part my opinion of it not working.  

Otherwise, I really don’t have issues with this particular episode. 

I’ll say this though -- a) Kurt is incredibly happy to have Blaine move back in and that means something.  b) the reason this is left on such an upbeat note, and not necessarily foreboding of what’s coming next season is that there was a real chance they weren’t getting a next season -- and they wanted to make sure the characters ended in happy places in case this was the series finale.  c) we were shortchanged two episodes from this season -- who knows what more they could have developed if the had had more time. 

*****

I don’t know if any of this helps (or if any of my additional meta helps) but I suppose I’ll say this -- I’ve meta’d these episodes so much that I see the cracks in the production, but I don’t really take issue with them anymore.  I like the story being told, and all things considered, I don’t think it’s all that bad.  

I think one thing to keep in mind is how Glee tells stories in general.  Are the couples happy? Well, then they’re in the background not doing anything.  Are they having conflict? Yes - well that’s front and center.  Also, keep in mind that Glee prefers telling stories about couples getting together more than them being together (or breaking up).  We start season 6 after the break up, and even season 4′s break up happens at the beginning of the season - why? Cause Glee loves writing angst-y couples who eventually get together in a big moment.  

And I’ll add to that -- did you notice that Sam and Mercedes go through a similar arc as Klaine during the NYC arc? No really - do you know why Mercedes breaks it off with Sam? Because their lives are just in different places and she wants to preserve her good feelings for Sam -- and that’s very similar to Kurt’s reasons at the beginning of season 6.  

No - this season isn’t happy, flirtiness of Kurt in season 2 (and I’ll argue that was Kurt’s story - not Blaine’s, and it’s also somewhat flimsy in structure when considering the love story aspect of it).  It’s not the background moments of season 3 - because they’re together, and there’s not a classroom to be backgrounds of.  (Could they have done a little more in the group scenes? Sure - but it’s not that bad.)  It’s not the angst fest of seasons 4 and 6.  And not helping is the fact that the first half of season 5 really had very little Klaine development at all.  

so, back to the beginning, I feel like the story they wanted to tell was about Klaine having conflict and resolving said conflict, and getting them to grow into an adult relationship.  Do I wish there were more happier times to balance that out? Of course I do! Do I feel like there’s a lack of chemistry or that Chris and/or Darren are to blame? Absolutely not.  Hope this helps a little Nonny - and feel free to ask me about specific moments if you need to <3 

[shyantheswiftfan]

“happiness” lyrical analysis

Hello again! I’m back with another in-depth lyrical analysis. I really wanted to do happiness because I related it so much to my own past, and I had a lot of fun looking deeper into the themes of this one. This song deserves so much more love than it’s been getting. Hope you enjoy! 

As always, this is my own interpretation, so if you don’t agree, that’s okay, you don’t have to. Much love.

PS - Anything crossed out is just a section that I’ve already covered that didn’t change lyrically the second time around.

[Verse 1] Honey, when I'm above the trees I see this for what it is 

Our narrator is comparing the relationship to a forest. Saying how, when you take a step back and look at the whole thing, you can see everything. All the good and the bad, the entire picture.

But now I'm right down in it All the years I've given Is just shit we're dividing up 

But when they’re down in the thick of it, surface level, there’s such a narrow frame of view. All you can see is what’s in front of you, and everything behind you has just turned into a fight for who to blame. Picking and choosing who gets what in the end of it all. 

Showed you all of my hiding spots I was dancing when the music stopped 

They’re talking about how they let this other person in, even to see their most secret and vulnerable places, and how they were still trying to make everything good even after the fun parts were gone.

And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention I haven't met the new me yet  

The narrator never expected this time to come because they spent their time trying to give their everything to make this work, but now they’ve lost who they were. They no longer know the version of themselves that exists without their partner. 

[Chorus] There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true There is happiness 

They are reassuring themselves that things will be okay again, but they aren’t forgetting all the good they had in the relationship. There isn’t a limited amount of happiness; it can exist during and after a relationship.

[Post-Chorus] Past the blood and bruise Past the curses and cries Beyond the terror in the nightfall 

They can’t focus on the fighting and the pain. The “nightfall” is the end of this relationship, and it’s scary for them to be losing it.

Haunted by the look in my eyes That would've loved you for a lifetime  Leave it all behind  And there is happiness 

The narrator was committed to making this work until the end of the line. Now, all their partner is leaving with is the look of disbelief and pain that has fallen upon our narrator’s face.

[Verse 2] Tell me, when did your winning smile Begin to look like a smirk? 

To smirk is “to smile in a smug or condescending way”(Merriam-Webster definition), so the smile that the narrator once loved has now turned against them and is becoming something that they despise. It feels to them like their partner is getting satisfaction from their pain or looking down on them.

When did all our lessons start to look like weapons Pointed at my deepest hurt? 

Their partner has started using their past against them. Times when they had struggles that they had to learn from are now being used against the narrator to point out their mistakes and flaws. Their partner knows how to hurt them the worst; they know what the deepest cuts are.

I hope she'll be a beautiful fool 

This is one of the ‘ The Great Gatsby’ references that I want to point out. It’s a take on an early quote from Daisy where she is talking about her hopes for her daughter. The narrator of this song seems to be referring to the next woman their partner will be with. They are saying that they hope the next woman is ignorant to the bad things and is just happy, and they’re also saying that the next one would be a fool at all to enter a relationship with their partner.

Who takes my spot next to you No, I didn't mean that Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury You haven't met the new me yet 

They immediately regret what they said because they don’t really think the next woman would be a fool to enter a relationship. They’re just so angry and hurt that they don’t think before they speak. The narrator is probably just saying whatever they know will hurt their partner, just as their partner has turned against them at the beginning of this verse. 

[Chorus 2] There'll be happiness after me But there was happiness because of me Both of these things I believe There is happiness 

They’re now reassuring their partner of the same sentiment they told themselves in the first chorus.

[Post-Chorus 2] In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise 

As they referred to the relationship as “nightfall” in the first post-chorus, they’re now referring to this separation as moving towards a new day and seeing the sun come up again. Light will return to their world, even if they can’t see it right now, feeling so far apart and alone.

Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind And there is happiness 

Another statement about this being the night, the darkness. The dress is a symbol of the weight the narrator is carrying right now, but there’s still light and beauty in this thing they’re letting go of. They are shedding that weight and feeling happy for what has been and what will become.

[Bridge] I can't make it go away by making you a villain I guess it's the price I pay for seven years in heaven 

The narrator knows that their partner isn’t the only bad guy in this situation. They can admit that both parties had some wrongs to play in this. They acknowledge that this hurt and this pain is just what you have to bear with after something that was with you this long. You can’t just be free of this kind of relationship; there’s a cost for freedom.

And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night now I get fake niceties 

This is talking about what the narrator gave to their partner. They gave themselves, their body, for their partner every night. Now they feel like their partner has betrayed them, especially by pretending that everything is fine, and that this split doesn’t hurt them just as badly. That they aren’t just as angry.

No one teaches you what to do When a good man hurts you And you know you hurt him too 

Again, acknowledgment that there was never just one person to blame. It’s easier when one person does something bad that causes the ending, but when it’s a case of two people who have simply fallen out of love, it’s hard to know how to move on from that. You want to be angry, yet what is there to hate them for? The narrator knows they are doing exactly the same as their partner.

[Verse 3] Honey, when I'm above the trees I see it for what it is But now my eyes leak acid rain On the pillow where you used to lay your head 

The narrator is mourning this separation, and they feel like their tears are burning and soaking the pain into the pillow. The tears are washing away every last shred of their partner, while leaving a permanent impact of the narrator’s life.

After giving you the best I had Tell me what to give after that 

They feel like they don’t have anything left for the future. They’re out of love and all the good things about them that they dedicated to this relationship. The narrator is afraid they’ll never have all that back.

All you want from me now Is the green light of forgiveness 

Another ‘The Great Gatsby’ reference. In my short analysis of this song (here), one of the main themes I listed was hope. I think the green light in Gatsby represents many things, but one of the main things in my opinion is hope in the eyes of Jay Gatsby. Just as the “green light of forgiveness” is a symbol of hope for both partners in this relationship to move forward after everything is said and done.

You haven't met the new me yet And I think she'll give you that 

The narrator needs time to become their own person, but when they do, they know they’ll be just fine and can forgive their partner for the pain caused.

[Chorus 3] There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you too Both of these things can be true There is happiness 

[Post-Chorus 3 and Outro] In our history Across our great divide There is a glorious sunrise Dappled with the flickers of light From the dress I wore at midnight Leave it all behind Oh, leave it all behind Leave it all behind And there is happiness 

This song really hits home for me because it makes me think of my parents’ divorce 15 years ago. It was painful seeing them both slowly drift apart and separate. Their is finally happiness for both of them in their own ways. It may have taken a long time, but it was for the better in the end.

I appreciate you taking the time to read all of this. I’ll be doing more analyses soon, I’m sure! If you enjoyed this, don’t be afraid to show it some love. Thank you!

(coney island analysis) (evermore short song analyses: pt 1)

[dancingintheafterglow13]

I Know Places full analysis

Okay everyone, here it is... my long awaited analysis on I Know Places (illicit affairs coming soon but I promised one at least today so I’m keeping that promise; everyone has been waiting long enough).

I’ll mostly focus on the song itself, and the visuals that go with it, but I’ll probably also touch on who it may be about (Dianna Agron) as well.

This is a VERY long analysis so it’s all under the cut.

(I want to mention before I start, that Genius has a citation that says that it could be about a “rumored same-sex relationship”. It mentions Karlie but this is a Dianna song so I don’t think the timing of this song’s release makes sense as a Karlie song but I thought I’d mention that because I’d never seen that before)

The song starts and ends with a click. I have seen quite a few interpretations of that click: cassette, record, and recorder. I’ve always thought that it was a record, and the last sound was the arm being lifted. I suppose it doesn’t really matter exactly what it is, because all three kind of relate to a similar idea: the ‘80s theme of the album and of Taylor and her lover being watched and constantly scrutinized (I’ll come back to this one later) by the media. That by itself isn’t specifically gay but this intro and closing kind of haunt me. It’s as if there are always people watching them and they can’t be together. This feels like all those historical queer movies I’ve seen where the women have to hide their relationship and people are watching (oh! and that scene in Carol where they were being recorded in their hotel room).

The instrumental of I Know Places is rather simplistic (I have the official karaoke version which helps to isolate the surrounding sounds). It starts and ends with that reverberated piano and then the piano drops at least an octave once the percussion comes in. This beat makes it feel like the central figures in the song are being chased, or at least moving fast and this is helped by the lower octave in the piano, as it adds a sense of unease to the song. The unease is carried forward by that haunting note at 0:25 that just sends a shiver down my spine. It happens again at 0:32 but lingers a bit longer, clashing just so with the piano that it gives the section more of an edge. Lyrically, at these sections, Taylor says “something happens when everybody finds out” and “love’s a fragile little flame it could burn out”. These haunting notes add to the fear that appears in these lyrics, of the relationship falling apart because people found out.

In the first Pre-Chorus, the percussion picks up, and adds in some claps and new beats that weren’t present before. Here, the song is really building up for the chorus and in this way it feels a bit chaotic here because this new drum pattern adds on to the piano and the “i, i, i, i” ’s that have returned from the beginning (and if I listen closely I think I can hear the haunting note return at 0:45 with “they are the hunters” which again, shows the fear).

The percussion stays the same from the Pre-Chorus to the Chorus but some of the other sounds change a little. The chords played by the piano are... happier almost than in the verse or the pre-chorus which really brings out the lyrics about knowing somewhere that the media can’t find them. The chorus also has more major chords than the verses. According to a website I found with the chords, the verses and pre-choruses have e minor, C major, a minor, b minor while the chorus has G major, D major, a minor, C major. This is easier to hear in a recording from the reputation stadium tour; with chords that were major in the chorus, before the melody stops just before the next verse. That pause adds another haunted vibe to the song because it asks if these places are really that safe (since, we know that Taylor’s relationship with Dianna ended in part because of the media [see the master post I’ve linked below]). It also is interesting to note that the chord changes pick up on “’Cause I know places we can hide” with G major, D major, a minor C major on the “I” and then again just to a minor on the “hide” (with the C major not coming until the first “places” in the next line). That again, matches the haunted vibe.

The second verse is very similar musically to the first but there’s an added bass line here, a plucked one. This grounds this verse more than the first one because there’s now a driving force that pulls the song forward and gives more dimension to the song. It also kind of adds an urgency to it and feels as if the people in the song are running, just as it says in the lyrics. This kind of mirroring is really cool because it deeply connects the lyrics to the music and makes the whole idea of the song much more powerful.

The second chorus is the same as the first but the bridge strips it back so it’s just the percussion and the bass line. The percussion has changed to just a bass drum hit, which again, pushes the song forward and again adds to the urgency, especially in the lyrics of the bridge “they are the hunters we are the foxes, and we run/just grab my hand and don’t ever drop it, my love”.

The urgency of the music through out the song pairs nicely with both the lyrics and looking at this song through a queer eye. Taylor, and her lover, are running from the media and it’s even more important that they aren’t caught because they aren’t straight. Taylor really wants this relationship to last, even if they have to constantly hide because she really loves this girl and wants to be with her.

It’s interesting to also take a look at the original lyrics that appear in the Voice Memo that Taylor released in the Deluxe edition of the album. The chorus is exactly the same but the first verse is a bit different (most of these are the same as what Genius says but I heard a few different words with headphones):

“... they’re waiting at the back door/they’re around and the vultures come around/and you know that...they want, they want us/say what they want about, say what they want about us/and you come and I sing and you listen?/I would not think about it but I’m not them/let them know a thing or two about it, a thing or two about it...”

Obviously these lyrics don’t make a lot of sense because they were just Taylor trying to send an idea out, but they're interesting to look at anyway. I think, especially the part where Taylor’s saying that the they (which is most likely the media) knows something but not the whole story. That's true especially about gaylor and all the women Taylor may or may not have dated.

Okay, now onto lyrics.

I’ve seen some analysis of the “I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I-I/I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I-I/I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I-I (I, I, I, I)” at the beginning as Taylor stuttering trying to answer interview questions about her love life but I also see it as paired with the click at the beginning and end, with the record or whatever recording device skipping (which lends itself back to the ‘80s theme).

“You stand with your hand on my waistline/it's a scene and we're out here in plain sight/I can hear them whisper as we pass by/it's a bad sign, bad sign”

If Taylor and her lover were seen in public together people would start talking and she’s afraid it would jeopardize their relationship.

“Something happens when everybody finds out/see the vultures circling, dark clouds”

I’ll touch on this later but making this song about Dianna, when a fake article was released that stated that they were dating, the two of them stopped hanging out in public. And, something else I’ll bring up, after going out to dinner, Dianna and Taylor were swarmed by paparazzi which is horrible to watch.

“Love's a fragile little flame, it could burn out It could burn out”

Taylor’s scared that the whole world finding out will destroy her relationship with this woman (and with Dianna, it kind of did).

'Cause they got the cages, they got the boxes and guns/they are the hunters, we are the foxes and we run”

Boxes and cages really reminds me of the glass closeting Taylor started around the 1989 era. The “guns” definitely is the cameras that photographed every moment. Taylor and her lover have to continuously hide from the media in order to escape the scrutiny (this matches with Dianna too, because there pictures with them hugging and touching their other friends but never each other).

“Baby, I know places we won't be found/and they'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down/'cause I, I know places we can hide/I know places, I know places”

Taylor’s saying she knows somewhere where she and her lover can be together that the paparazzi can’t find them (this reminds me of I Know A Place by MUNA which is a queer band).

“Lights flash and we'll run for the fences/let them say what they want, we won't hear it/loose lips sink ships all the damn time/not this time”

Again one time when Taylor and Dianna were photographed by the paparazzi they were simply exiting a restaurant and going to the car (the flash is so bright in that gif). They ignored every comment thrown at them that time and just kept going. I feel like the last two lines reference the fake article that came out about them, and the rumor that Dianna and Taylor were in a love triangle with Tim Tebow. But, because all were denied and Taylor and Dianna stopped seeing each other as much, it saved them from having to face more scrutiny.

“Just grab my hand and don't ever drop it, my love”

They both want to hang on for hope that they can be together one day.

“They take their shots, but we're bulletproof (I know places)/and you know for me, it's always you (I know places)/in the dead of night, your eyes so green (I know places)/and I know for you, it's always me (I know places)”

“Take their shots” reminds me of the cameras chasing them again and they’re bulletproof because they won’t give the media and truth to the stories that they’re spinning.

Dianna thinks of herself as having green eyes (here’s her bitmoji) and green eyes are referenced in Wonderland (which is a Dianna song, no doubt about it).

Wanting to return to a lover in the future (and always going back to someone) is a big theme in all of the Dianna songs in 1989, so it makes sense that it would be present here too.

Some important visuals surrounding I Know Places:

The closet doors from tour:

And the fake article released about Taylor and Dianna that effectively ended their public friendship:

I won’t go into detail about Dianna and Taylor’s relationship (you can read all about that on the Swiftgron Masterpost) but I wanted to go back to the idea about Taylor and her lover being constantly watched and scrutinized and how it is very reminiscent of Taylor and Dianna. There are only a couple of photos of them together that don’t come from the media but there’s one set of phots that really fits this idea. On May 15th, 2015, Taylor and Dianna went to dinner together, potentially with a couple of friends (based on photos). Here’s some screenshots from a gif of that night (the gif won’t upload but here’s a link to it [*flash warning*]).

First of all, this is horrifying. The amount of photographers there trying to take a picture of them for the tabloids (”they are the hunters we are the foxes”) and how bright it is. And, if you look carefully Taylor seems to be holding onto Dianna (”just grab my hand and don’t ever drop it”). If you watch this gif, you’ll see how this guy in the fourth screenshot just jumps on top of other photographers to get a photo of them. If the paparazzi were so brutal when she simply went out to dinner with friends (and a potential girlfriend) it’s no wonder that I Know Places exists.

Okay that’s my full analysis of I Know Places! Feel free to reblog with anything I may have missed and if you made it this far, thank you for reading :)

[yes-kassiopeia]

CALM lashton lyrics analysis

Here we go form C A L M lyrics analysis from a lashton point of view. Aka  another long as fuck post.

Few consideration first. I am really happy that all of the song are not love songs! That was a bit of a down point for me about YB and I’m really happy to see other theme in this album! Also, I think we can all agree that it’s an happier album than YB, and that’s good! I’m happy the boys feel in better place. 

Songs I won’t talk about too much about

There are very good songs that I don’t have much say about from a lashton perspective so I’ll just quickly pass them. 

Red desert. Great song, I love it, but not lashton song. It’s about going back to your roots, dive inside of yourself to find the core, the passion, and light it up. Like a phoenix rising from ashes. Let it rise in you and guide you further. Great message.

No shame. This one is a social and self critique of the way we seek for attention and fame. Very nice, but not a lashton song neither. 

Old me. A reflection on your past, owning your mistake and you strength as well. Learning lessons from the pass and find pride in your achievements. It is technically a lashton song. And I think it’s very cute that they wrote it together, but it doesn’t say much about their relationship. 

Wildflower. Such a bop! It’s the “valentine” of CALM, even surpasses it in my opinion. Feelgood, sexy, groovy, and all, but definitely not a lashton song. 

These were the happy song. All of the other song include darker, sadder feelings. And there are several ways to read them and I don’t predent to have the right way by any mean. But if you believe that Lierra is the perfect happy couple (”my parents” “goals” etc.) ... You’re probably closing your eyes on one or two things... 

Easier

As much as I looks like lyrics 5sos could have written, none of them are credited... And I had to double check that, because I though Luke has said multiple time that they, or at least, himself was involve in the writing of Easier. And I could definitely see that. But apparently not?  

This is the first song on the album which talks about dysfunctional / toxic relationship. It describes a position where you’re stuck: you’re not gonna change, they’re not gonna change, and it's not working out. You're hurting each other although it seem you want the same thing. You still love them, but is still worth staying. (And according to me the implied answer on the lyrics is yes)

Teeth

Teeth is Another song about dysfunctional toxic relationship! (insert party emoji). And this time it is written by lashton too. So what does it says. Push and pull, mood swings, lies, fake apologies. Loving someone who's always changing their face or their personality, don't know what they want from you, but they're not letting you go. But you love them, and you let them, still find their good side sweet and pretty. Small part of you still hoping you can built something, have future.

Alright... Let’s keep that in mind and adding to more songs

Not in the Same Way + Thin White Lies

Those two are very similar to me in their lyrical content.

About Not in the same way, I’m gonna take a wild guess and you don’t have to agree. But I feel like the verses, which are very short, were written separately from the rest. (the bridge is longer than the two verses together). The verses begin with the same line “Not today” meaning, “I don't want to fight with you again”. You point out my mistake, you cry, you scream at me. You're always anxious and I'm already sad, I don’t need this. (I want to escape)

Otherwise, the rest of the song is very repetitive and have this spinning sensation (I’m not sure, cause i’m a noob in music but I think it is 3/4? like lie to me, the bass rhythm all along as this three time valse-like ‘ta-da-da’ going on). To me this translate the lost balance, lost of reality. Making the same mistake again and again, even if you know it, even if it hurts you.

Thin White Lies goes along the same veins: I'm sad, I don't know how to handle the questions or my own reflection. The night comes and I make the same mistake, endlessly. In the morning  words break my heart, and I leave. But I'll always come back for one more taste of you. And hate myself for that.

BUT! In Thin Whites Lies there's the only time in the whole album where there’s a ‘she’ pronoun. A she that is different from the you everywhere else in the song. So that mean there are three people involved. There's someone else. “She said she loves me, doesn't show it.” I don’t feel you love, she doesn’t show her love neither. I’m in the middle, loosing my mind, don't know I am anymore. I am holding on thin white lies.

Okay so my conclusion, my interpretation, is that it’s Luke describing how he’ll always come back to Ashton, even if he breaks his heart, even if their both in relationship, even if he know it’s not gonna do any good. But he just can’t resist. And on the other hand it is screwing up majorly his relationship with Sierra (NITSM verses + “She”) whatever you think that might be (Friends, PR, couple, mixed, etc.) 

Best Years + Lover of mine

Before any Lierra stan starts to gushing over Best Years, let me remind you the first verse. “I wasted so much time on people that reminded me of you”. This means 1) being together 2) break up or cheat 3) trying to get redemption. So that’s not the ideal relationship they sell. AND, this proves this is about long relationship. Like very long, years obviously. And I personally don’t think Lierra has this kind of story... Lashton does tho. But you’re entirely free to disagree of course. 

Here’s my interpretation "We had a burning passion, that burnt us. I made mistakes. I have been with other people but I still about think you. Now that we're older and wiser, we can build something out of the mess and broken piece, a future together, the best years of our lives."

Luke said about it : “The song is a beautiful love note, something I felt I needed to get off my chest.” And yes it is a promise, but I am the only one who feels like it’s also a request ? like : “don’t you see what we could be? Don’t you want us to grow together?” and that’s it’s not directed at Sierra. But hey, what do I know?

Lover of mine. Completely unproved, but I feel like the verses and pre-chorus where is written by Lierra. And it’s about accepting your partner mistakes, past and flows, and embarrassing all of them. And the chorus is Ashton's addition and response to best years. It has the same theme of redemption and promises.

“I'll never give you away 'Cause I already made that mistake. If my name never fell off your lips again I know it'd be such a shame. When I take a look at my life and all of my crimes you're the only thing that I think I got right.” and this last sentence especially sounds a lot like Ashton to me. But that’s subjective I guess.

Also I feel like Ashton would the sassy guy to place his love confession in the couple song, just to screw it up x)”

Lonely heart

Lonely heart has an interesting point of view, as I feel like it is place on the side who’s holding back someone, while the other song are viewed from the one feeling held back. “We've been together, I know I hurt you. But if you go, I'll be lonely, you'll be lonely. So please can we have a second chance?” So I’d say it’d be Ashton answer to the other song (also I feel like he wrote some stuff from his heart in not in the same way too)

There a lot of theme that have already been exploited in the previous song so i’m not gonna go over them again. It doesn’t really bring much new content. Correct me if I am wrong. 

High

High is about being selfsish... in a good way? Trying to put yourself first when you still think so much of the one who hurt you. There this implied thing with the line “ my heart is built to last more than a night” that really ties with all the love in dark/ love at night / same mistake every time, we fuck/we fight, etc. that goes on from the all album. There’s another line that I want to point out: “I know I'll never meet your expectations.” which very sadly sound to me like: I’ll never the girls you can hold hand with publicly. And I might be reading way to much, but that just imposed itself to me. And it’s followed by “the picture that you paint of me looks better in your mind” which, once again, sound very much like something Luke could say about Ashton. 

I know this song my seem like their relationship is dead, and Luke’s trying to move on, but it’s not because it’s the last on the album that it’s the last in the chronological order of the real life even. I would personally place this as an really 2018 song. 

So yeah Lashton fucks! But they still don’t know how to handle it... And Sierra in the picture frame now. Woohoo. 

Leave you own comments and thoughts. I’d love to hear that :) 

And If you read till there, congrats, you’re a real one. 

Lots of love <3

[dukeofonions]

Reaction Redux (I know it doesn’t make sense but it sounds cool)

Alright, here is my initial reaction to Putting Others First: Selfishness vs Selflessness Redux.

It’s finally here, I’ve watched it a total of two times and currently have it on in the background as I type this, and I have a lot of feelings. All of which would be too much for one post, so after I do this I’ll be making a few separate posts addressing certain points I’d like to expand on further. 

So what I’m going to do is have the video playing as I write this out, that way I don’t miss out anything I wanted to discuss. Basically it’s not gonna be a full on analysis, just a lot of random ramblings with what I hope are some insightful gems sprinkled throughout. Consider these my notes for all my future serious analysis posts. 

Good? Great. Let’s go.  (Also spoilers under the cut)

So, how did I feel as I watched the video for the first time? Well considering I got the notification for the video while I was still at work, I couldn’t get as excited as I wanted to be about it because I didn’t get off until 8pm and had to deal with one too many dunderheads so I was pretty grumpy once I got off. 

However, as soon as I got home and retreated to the safety of my isolation fortress (aka my bedroom) I was finally able to get excited as I got on my laptop and pulled up the video and let me just say I was a mess the entire time. I missed my boys!!! I knew they wouldn’t all be present, but I still missed my boys!!! And I loved seeing them again!!! 

First things first, that song at the beginning! I think it’s called Review Redux (correct me if I’m wrong) it’s such a freaking bop and I wish it was longer because I could listen to it all day. I loved the artwork and little details that went into their characters, and how each of the circles represented who was singing/talking by their colors. Fun stuff and a great way to recap everything! As well as foreshadow things to come within the episode… “If our goals aligned with his what would that say?” Roman you’re in for a rude awakening bud… 

Also, the little moment near the beginning where Patton is about to shut Thomas’ negative thinking down, but stops himself and allows Thomas to explain why he feels that way. Showing that he’s learned to ease up just a little since he learned to do so in Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts. Good for you Patton. 

Speaking of Patton, oh he is so confused. I understand where he’s coming from, and honestly everything he said are things I have been taught growing up, and this is something I’ll address in another post because I have a lot of things to say about it. But just know that I adore the development Patton has been going through and watching him grow and mature. 

Oh yes, I must mention I was pleasantly surprised to see Logan. I didn’t think he’d show up in this episode, or at the very least have a brief appearance, but I love how he took part and by far the funniest part in this episode (to me) is when he had so much to say in one little post that it popped up and hit Patton in the nose. It was one of the few moments where I laughed out loud and I rewound it a few times on my first viewing. 

Plus Thomas being more concerned about the blinds than Patton. My type of humor. And Roman actually gets to use his sword for once, good for him! 

(Funny enough as I typed this the video got to that part at the exact same time so I got a nice little laugh again) 

Which brings up my next point: Logan getting yoinked after Patton skips his dialogue. No one talks about how he does his little impression of that philosopher, am I the only one who found that utterly adorable? 

Let Logan geek out over philosophers please. He clearly loves it so much. 

Then we get to Roman believing he’s the one responsible for everything, wanting to give up the driver’s seat to Patton. And just… This exchange of dialogue:

Thomas: “Roman, I only mean well when I say…” Thomas: “That that is the stupidest thing you have ever said.” Roman: “Oh Thomas, you’re just blowing smoke.” 

I don’t know why I enjoy this so much but I do. Give me more of this. I crave it now.

And I just need to make a whole post about Patton in this video, there is so much to unpack with him alone.

Looking back and noticing that Thomas only starts listening to Logan after he’s been replaced by Deceit kinda hurts. 

Speaking of which, can we appreciate how much better Deceit has gotten at impersonating Logan? Looks like he took Roman’s advice and focused on the little things. Good for him. 

Alright, one of my absolute favorite parts from this episode and where things really start to shine: Patton freaks out and turns into a giant frog because he’s so desperate to have an answer for them he flips and honestly, sounds a little crazy. Which, I don’t know why but I find it both menacing and hilarious at the same time? 

Also the fact he turns into a frog because he was talking about Frogger earlier, nice touch! (And Lilypadton that’s so cute) 

Then we get probably the single greatest character entrance in the history of character entrances. We find out that Deceit finally reveals himself and steps in to stand up to Patton and get him to see how his actions have been having a negative effect on Thomas. 

The way his voice changes from Logan’s to his own, his music kicking in, “The Lord of the Lies” oh my gosh it’s all just perfect! Also Roman’s “Reptilian Rapscallion! Reptilian Rapscallion! We’ve got a code yellow!” 

And if I may: Roman: “What have you done with Logan?!” Deceit: “Nothing at all and I resent the question.” 

WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM YOU SNEK?! 

(in all honest probably nothing but what if) 

Important to note here that Roman instantly begins defending Patton from Deceit as soon as he accuses him of misleading Thomas. This goes to show just how much Roman views him as a villain. Or in other words: Patton, good. Deceit, bad. A viewpoint he continues to hold onto until the end of the episode, which also deserves it’s entire post because we all know how much turbulence that caused within the fandom. 

And to the observant eye, you’ll notice that the cane (or staff) Deceit uses is the same one that dragged Logan off screen. 

Frog puns. That is all.

I just, I love Deceit’s dialogue throughout this scene. It’s stuff I need to hear and tell myself on a regular basis. And I’d honestly rewatch this part (along with the rest of what Deceit and Logan say later on in the video) because it’s all something I need to also teach myself. But this ain’t meant to be a personal post so I’ll just move on. 

Deceit’s walk towards the camera. I don’t know why. It’s so smooth. He’s amazing. I love him. Snek… 

I have problems don’t @ me. 

Also no one is mentioning the reference to that one “Turn based rpg” short that Thomas made with his friends and I find that sad because it’s a neat and fitting reference given the theme of this video. Also earlier on when the trolley problem is first brought up all the people on the bottom track are Thomas’ friends. Another neat little detail, though sadly, their digital selves perished. 

PETER SINGER 

Logan doesn’t seem to like Deceit much, not outright hate him or anything, but it’s more like he just tolerates him but doesn’t seek to get on good terms with him. Which is a shame because as both parts of SVS have proven, these two have the capacity to work together. Which is why I hope Logan gets a debate episode with him as well because out of all the Sides, these two have interacted the least and that needs to be remedied (especially when they’re my two favorites) 

Deceit is trying to make Roman understand, but he’s so caught up in this black and white thinking that he disregards everything Deceit says! Why? Because the last time he tried to hear Deceit out he was reprimanded. (In other words, I relate to Roman so much in this that it hits a little too close to home and I’m definitely making a separate post about this. 

Deceit: *confused* Trees? And I’m so glad I found out I’m not the only dunce who thought Deceit’s name was going to be written on his hand… 

But seriously this whole moment, with the buildup, Deceit’s reluctance to share his name, the music, I’d put it up there with Virgil’s “I was one of them” for best Sanders Sides scenes.

Also, Deceit’s name is Janus! I was a little iffy about it at first, but since I didn’t ever really have a prediction for his name, I wasn’t disappointed and the name is growing on me. 

And then, the moment of trust is immediately ruined by Roman laughing. Dude, come on. (again though, post for another time because I understand where Roman is coming from here)

In all seriousness though I just love the last bits of this episode. The emotion, the angst, it doesn’t hold back and I appreciate the team taking things a step further than normal. Usually, moments like this are followed up by a joke to play it off, but they don’t do that after Roman sinks out. They stay in the moment until it’s had time to sink in. I wish the episode had ended a little more somberly, but I think this is a good step in the right direction. Showing that there won’t always be a 100% happy conclusion to things. Sometimes you need to take time in between to figure things out. 

This line: “Do you think there’s a limit to how many times someone can say sorry before you have to admit that they’re just bad for you?” This line is so important to me within the context of the episode and outside of it. I won’t get too personal but I will say that I was raised to believe that if a person wronged me in any way, that if they said sorry, I had to forgive them. Even if they did the same thing over and over and over again. As long as they apologize, you have to forgive them and move on. And that has messed me up in so many different ways, especially when those people are family. 

Janus sums it up best with “It depends” because yes, some people make the same mistakes again and again. But there’s a difference between someone trying to change and accidentally falling back on old habits, and someone taking advantage of your “forgiveness” that they continue to do those hurtful things because they know they can get away with it and not have to change. 

Also, while it’s totally fine for people to dislike Patton, I can’t understand how anyone could watch this episode and claim that he’s still the same as he was at the beginning of SVS Part One because he has changed. He has finally realized just how much he’s been hurting Thomas, and even Roman. He sinks out at the end to apologize to him, he recognizes his faults, and he’s seeking to make amends. He wants to do the right thing here, and keep in mind that recently a lot of his views (which are also Thomas’ views) have been flipped on their heads and they both need to rethink some things. It’s part of growing up and becoming your own person. 

I need to make a whole post about the more personal things that I got from the last three episodes (excluding Asides) because there’s just so many important things these episodes teach and I feel the need to address them. 

Also everyone sleeping on the fact that Leslie Odom Jr. just casually makes an appearance and attempts to start a pilot episode for his own series “Odom Sides” which I wish him luck on. He just wants to be in the room where it happens. 

Everything Patton did was for Thomas, so he wouldn’t be left in the dark again. He promised to keep fighting but ultimately, ended up fighting himself. Am I deep yet?

“Those imperfections don’t make you any less worthy of love” can you tell how much this episode means to me yet? 

Janus’ “I’ll take care of him.” Ack, he just cares so much… My gosh… Where did this character come from and what did he do with the slimy boi? (I mean that in two different ways)

Oh, there he is. That’s my boi. 

“There are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway.” “There are much less barbaric, much more fun, forms of sabotage.” 

Parallels? Maybe? What the heck I love Janus whether he’s encouraging Thomas to look after his mental health or plot his schemes in the shadows. Do I trust Janus? Oh heck no, of course not. There is something suspicious going on here and I both love it and hate it. More on that in a different post though.

“You’re not stuck with an evil snake boi. You’re just stuck with a snek boi.” 

Yes Thomas, continue to overthink every little issue until it results in a mental breakdown. Hm, sounds like what someone with anxiety does… I suppose that’s why this series exists. 

Okay call me a bad person but I almost always space out during Thomas’ messages to the viewers at the end of the videos. I don’t know why but I cannot focus on them to save my life and usually end up skipping past them to get to the end card. I dunno, maybe because it takes me out of the moment? Especially during episodes where they don't’ address the audience at all and then suddenly “Oh yeah! This is a Youtube series lol” it just feels out of place in more story driven episodes like this one. 

Okay am I the only one that’s kinda creeped out by Lee and Mary Lee? I dunno they just seem, off. Like if they were characters in a horror movie they’d be that overly nice couple that turn out to be the killers. Those are the vibes they give me. Maybe it’s because I have zero people skills due to being homeschooled all my life and the only social interaction I get is with coworkers so I dunno. They still creep me out. They creep me out more than Remus. And he legit freaked me out for a bit before he stole my heart. (I suppose this means I need to make a separate post about these two because I do have some opinions about whether or not it was a good idea to actually include them at the end. When I said I had too many thoughts about this episode I meant it)

And if the end card is any indication, I’m going to assume that the Sides are invisible to everyone except Thomas. Unless they’re just “observing” and not even Thomas can see them at this point, given he shows no indication of seeing or hearing them there. Maybe they get to choose when they’re visible? Or Thomas does? I dunno, the rules of this universe have never been clearly stated and are inconsistent. 

I didn’t expect Patton to be the first to accept Janus, and I’m kinda glad I was proven wrong. It does seem fitting with Patton’s growth and I liked their little moment at the end. 

And that wraps up my commentary. I hope you found something in this mess of, things. I plan to go more in depth with my separate posts which I’m going to have fun writing, so be on the lookout for those! 

Also at the time of writing this I now have 63 followers?! Thank y’all so much! I never thought this blog would get this far and I’m so glad it did because I’m having a lot of fun with it and hope to bring out more content regularly! Again, thank you!!

[dreamlikeapsycho]

I saw the max facts (pun intended 😂) you did for that question a while ago. So I was wondering if maybe you could tell us some more facts about Max it doesn’t have to be anything too detailed but anything you know would be nice to know, pretty please 😊

Okay... RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MAX - PART 2

I went on deep analysis mode this time to try and say all of Max's little nice and cute moments I know of.. Pls take notice, tho!! I'm not trying to flex or anything, I'm just a simple peasant girl on Maximilian's kingdom for a long time and it happens I have FBI blood in my veins 😭 so It's all gather on my brain and hard drive lol SO! I'm just answering this ask with a lot of thought and care so you can know more about Max and how he is even more awesome than you think!!! (And just in text form, cause Max doesn't need to be tagged on more personal stuff on IG (there’s too much illegal fishing at my tumblr pond already! 👏). It’s probably weird to know certain things, yes, but at least I'm respectful, I'll never bother him with this kind of stuff). Well, enjoy the bible below to end up knowing very little about him, still haha.. Just some more small facts.

- Max was at a barbecue just yesterday. It was someones birthday from the set of his new movie. He drank his beer, like usual, idk about the meat.. there was wurst and chicken.. I'm not sure if he's trying to be a vegetarian or not (after that thoughtful video he posted) 🤔.. maybe he didn't eat it, I don't know!!

- a little while before the start of this shooting, he was at the Baltic Sea filming for the series he's gonna be in (just one episode again! Don't get your hopes too high lol he's gonna be a security guard who disappears mysteriously, so....)

- He helped his friend renovate his house a few weeks ago!! How could I forget that on the first post.. Then, he had to go to Hesse for the movie shooting, and his friend had to call another friend to come help him lmao damn

I think I could describe some videos I have then... at least there's some cool and funny stuff. (Friends himself tagged in the past and cast friends)

- Max's dad went to the same uni as him. Also, he voiced a police officer on the phone in a short film Max wrote and directed all by himself (he didn't act on it, but he was also another police officer over the phone haha). Another thing, his dad made the official music for one of his plays.

- The falafel day.. his friend was taking a piss filming Max at the shop from afar and zooming in, saying "omg, guys! I found Noah from Dark! He's right there buying falafel" lmao, then, Max is just standing there looking all wonderful with his perfect hair and such, moving his hands, scratching his chin, ordering his food, and his friend talks some more, doing like a rough Max voice "yeah yeah, I'll have that one. Good, yeah". 😂

- the day he went to take a walk in nature. His friend asks him for a cigarette, he is denied, he goes to take it anyway, Max slams his cup of tea on the table and tries to take his cigarette back and it's all black and they're just laughing lmao (I love his laugh btw, so giggly!)

There was storys posted by Max himself.. so, maybe you saw it, but it's from before dark s3 came out.

- The pigeon storys. He filmed two pigeons chasing each other at the station, one always running from the other and he captioned "me trying to flirt" haha

- He screen recorded an ad for an app that deletes people from pictures and made some joke too, I can't remember exactly what he wrote, smt like "when you break up, but still wants to keep the picture" lol also, he unfollowed like 5 people that week after posting that... hm 👀

- he posted a video of him walking in the dark with really cold wind.. you can only see his hair flying around. Also, with a mask on, another chasing a cat in a big field, and that one drinking his coffee and eating his yogurt (you most likely saw it already)

- Ohh.. His friend was playing Max's drums the other day!!! Made a lot of jokes, it was obvious he was messing around in Max's room (maybe they live together, maybe he just waters the plants lol idk). Some of the jokes were "I've been playing this drums since 1921" and "the drums and me are a perfect pair, don't ever believe otherwise". I wonder what Max said to him.. he can't do anything about it, he's not in Berlin hahah. He has a little giraffe in his room, and other home decors (you can see it on his drumming video on his own IG)

- he likes to read on longer train rides.

- there's a video of him screaming inside a wardrobe after being jumped by a friend and one of him putting lipstick on with the song "I'm a sexy motherfucker" playing in the background hehe we was tagged, it was easy to find when there wasn't much tagged post.

- There's moments of ppl filming something/themselves and he just comes and photobombs it lol he is just like thiss 👏 showing his tongue and doing a funny face and such. One of those I saw it on the IG of a Das Boot cast member I actually already followed before.

- this group was such a blast. There's a few pictures, one of them he's in a dress, he has white stockings on til his thighs, heels and all haha lovely

- His improv-group.. he was almost in tears singing "I believe I can fly" with the group on their last day.. But he was happy! A mix of emotions. He loves everyone, he expresses his love a lot to people in general, he says it and adds heart emojis to make sure haha you can see his comments going on IG of his cast friends, especially from Das Boot (I followed a lot of the guys). So, about always commenting something funny on people's posts.. I didn't saved those, so I forgot most of it, but one I remember was that someone posted a video of a hailstorm and he was like "what are u doing, free ice!! Go grab them" hahaha

- Max has that Noah picture where he's peaking by a wall (you know that one Baran posted) printed and framed! 👏

- Things he’s pretty much always with: his backpack and his big headphones (it's always on his neck. At almost every picture, from every year, with different people etc. I was confused when he had normal headphones at his farm storys. Maybe he forgot them in Berlin 😭. Besides those, his rings, necklaces and bracelets (always, for years and years! Same ones, even). He uses frequently on premieres, as I saw it. Sometimes they also show up on his characters in his one-episode works!! Hahah is so nice when that happens. You can notice this on my screencaps.

- that pic of him that is everywhere now (with glasses, holding a bottle of champagne), I posted that months ago.. There's 2 more pics and 1 video. One pic, he is pretending the automatic lighter that's on the table is a Harry Potter wand (but I think I cropped the table, right.. I can't remember). This was actually posted by Max himself and he tagged his friend who took it. I went to see if they posted smt and there was a picture where he is literally biting the cork of that bottle off with his teeth Lmaoo, and one video.. he is talking on the phone trying to block the view with his feet.. this man!!

- he really doesn't care about buying too much unnecessary clothes and shoes and stuff. He is mindful of his things and the environment!! 

- there's a video of him on the set of Der Zauberlehrling, I need to recall where I got that from (maybe I could share this one. I'm not sure), he is messing with the broom and someone asks him "hey Max, what's that animal?" and points to the fluffy microphone. He says "it's a fucked up coala bear" (in english) 😂

Again.. I can't say names or anything, cause ppl are not mindful! Like.. I know I'm probably weird, but only for myself and my FBI office LOL I don't go over there and follow/reply to all these people’s posts and storys or take their videos and tag Max on them, this is just not.... nah. I'll always be respectful (yeah, some older stuff has gifs, cause he had like 10k followers, and 5 fans on tumblr lol But i never sent/tag him in anything personal directly.. that’s why i only posted on tumblr for the past year, in fact! I never thought things would be the way they are now a year later.. so, newer stuff it's not posted/gif nor ever will). I don't want him to be weirded out and like, disappear from IG!! I think about these things.. when people are being weird and stuff towards him. I don’t know how ppl don’t think about this when tagging him recklessly in random pictures and videos!!!

I wish he had more interviews, so we could know more proper stuff about him. (The few interviews he has are translated on my IG highlight. There's still an 8min interview missing there, cause I'm contemplating about being more of a bother to german speaking people, since I only have basic german..

[oliver-do-the-twist]

Screw it, I know this short story won't get much attention cause Tumblr hates original content but I want to post it anyway

Mentions of prostitution, minor swearing. around 3800 words

Its a western, but different. Enjoy

The Streets of Midpoint

I believe the town of Midpoint is aptly named. 

It is truly in the middle of nowhere. 

I had gotten stranded here four awful months ago. And I would rather be anywhere than this backwater hick-hole.

I hail from New York, a stark contrast to where I find myself now. The search of furthering my education had forced me to attempt the journey to San Francisco. However, some bandits had other plans for me along the way. 

They left me, horseless, penniless, and without food and water four miles from Midpoint. I was lucky to have found the town before dark. 

I would not, however, call Midpoint a town. There are but three buildings, one store/post office, a small church, and a saloon catering to each of man's deadly sins.

There is nothing but Mexicans and white trash bandits here, just yesterday there was a shootout where one young man lost his life. Once I heard the shooting, I immediately went to my room above the saloon and waited it all out.

I only heard of the young man's misfortune from the bartender. He, in my educated opinion, is the least insufferable person in town. He came from one of the bigger towns, and still held onto some bit of culture that I could hold some kind of enlightening conversation with that didn't involve killing, stolen cattle, poker, or the whore that resided in the room next to mine named Anna.

Luckily for me, the piano classes I took in New York were not for nothing. The kind bartender offered me a job to play his old Baldwin, and in return I got to sleep in the spare room upstairs and get a reduced pay for it. I do not plan to stay here forever, but at least I can bring some real culture to the murders and thieves that live here while I save enough money to take the stagecoach out of here.

The whore is perhaps the most insufferable person in this town. Not because of her occupation, or even the fact of her gender. She is just simply the opposite of me. She is on all day about superstitions, ghosts, and tall tales. I suppose living in a desert of red sand and tumbleweeds one's entire life would do that to a person. Without proper analysis of the world through a rational perspective I can't really blame her for believing in such nonsense. 

Perhaps it is a coping mechanism. Everyone here seems to be on the verge of blowing up either with anger or grief at any moment. I do see it in her at times. It's the wistful look out the window or the small apprehension in her eyes when confronted by certain customers. 

I see that look right now as she turns upstairs with one such man. I noticed he was a weekly guest of hers, always coming on Sundays at around 6:30.  The saloon was mostly empty on Sunday evenings, that must be why he is so punctual. 

Tonight, there wasn't anyone here but me. The bartender had decided to close up early, as he usually does on slow evenings. The saloon had the uncharacteristic aura of serenity as the glasses lay untouched and the card deck at the poker table unshuffled. The only companion I had for the night were the ivory keys at my fingertips as I played my choice in song. 

"Is that a nocturne?" A voice said, startling me from my playing. I had not noticed anyone walk through the squeaky double doors. 

I looked up behind me from my music to see a man in his late twenties. He wore a long dark coat and worn hat. His eyes were clear blue, but clouded with confusion.

Something struck me as odd, no, out of place about him. Even through He wore much the same clothes that every cow hand or bandit that strolled through those doors, there was something about him, maybe the way he held himself, or his walk, that told me he didn't belong in this town. 

"Why yes it is," I said as I stood to greet him.  “I believe you are the first to identify any of the music I've played on that thing that isn't 'Camp Town Races'."

"I have a fondness for Chopin," the man said as he hung his hat on the rack. "I think I've always liked classical music."

That last comment of his struck me as odd, "you think?" 

The man became slightly embarrassed, "well sir, I uh, can't seem to remember much about myself lately."

My eyes widened in curiosity, "ah, you mean amnesia?"

"It must be, I can't seem to recall much of anything."

I leaned back and eyed him, "well, have a drink," I offered as I made my way to the bar, "the barkeep has closed up for the night but that doesn't mean we can't try to jog your memory over a glass or two.”

“That's better than any plan I have,” the man said as he took a stool next to me.

I reached over the bar and rummaged through the bottles of what I considered to be pure acid until I found one of the few bottles of wine. I then poured a glass for each of us.

I told him my name, and how I came to Midpoint. 

“You were on your way to San Francisco?” he asked.

I nodded. 

“That sounds familiar.” He began to rub his head, “I believe I was headed that way as well.”

“Well, maybe we can pool our money and try to get there together, and get away from this awful town.”

The man shook his head and frowned in confusion. “No,” he said quietly, “ I can't leave. I know that. I have to stay here.”

I frowned. Having someone to travel with would have been a lot easier, and this man looks like he could handle a few bandits, unlike myself. “Do you know why you have to stay here?”

The man brought his hand to his mouth and frowned. “No.”

The saloon was quiet for a few moments as the dying sunlight caught the bends and curves in our glasses. I took out my pocket watch and checked the time, 7:07.

Sudden loud footsteps came from the stairs, and it seemed Anna’s customer was finished. Both my companion and I turned around and looked at the abrupt noise. 

The brute looked at me and frowned. He cleared his throat and turned out the door with nothing more than a ugly look and a foul lingering smell.

I scrunched my nose in disgust and turned back to my new friend. “You can see why I want to leave so soon.”

The man chuckled.

“Do you know your name? Or any other name?”

He shook his head again. “I do not. The only thing I can recall is this saloon. I know I have to be here.”

“Well, you're here now,” I said as I took a sip from my glass.

The man looked wistfully into his own glass. 

“You said you liked Chopin. Do you know why?”

“I- I think it has something to do with my childhood. The music you were playing seemed old to me, like from a memory.”

“That sounds promising, would you like me to play more?”

“I wouldn't want to disturb no one. It's nice to just talk to someone who doesn't want to kill me.”

“Well then, let me see,” I said as I leaned my elbow on the bar, “you don't talk like everyone else here, I might even venture a guess you're from somewhere near New York based on your slight accent. But you definitely dress just like the next dusty cattle driver that comes through here. Not to mention that gun you wear.”

“That's another mystery,” he said as he pulled it out and examined it, “I checked it and it's completely empty of bullets.”

“Heh, maybe that's why you have amnesia in the first place.”

He smiled sarcastically, “that could very well be it.”

There was no longer any sunlight outside, only a faint glow on the flat horizon. I finished the last sip of my drink and set the glass down. 

The man turned around at the darkened sky. “I think it's time for me to leave,” he said as he stood up abruptly. He turned around and reached out his hand.

I stood and shook it, his hand was cold from the drink. “oh, are you sure? You don't have to leave so soon...”

“No, no, I have to go. Thank you for the evening.”

“Come back anytime,” I said, still a little confused at his suddenness.

He tipped his hat and turned out the doors, leaving me alone in the dark saloon.

The following week I neither saw or heard of the man with amnesia. I asked a few of the tolerable patrons about him, but no one seemed to know anything. I hoped to see him again, if only to make sure he was doing well, or to find out about the mysteries of his past. But I feared the worst. Anything could happen to a man out here. 

Throughout the week, I had noticed Anna had not been herself. I had barely heard a word out of her mouth, not that I usually tried to initiate any conversation with her. But I noticed every chance she got she retreated into herself. She was unhappy, even more so than usual. Before, she always seemed to be holding onto some kind of hope, and for whatever reason now, that hope had fallen from her fingers.    

Honestly, I didn't want to know about her misfortune, I had enough of my own. I know that's insensitive, but I had to focus on getting out of here with the meager pay I get before I lose my mind to the oppressive heat and the endless desert.

It is now Sunday again, and I just bid ado to the bartender as the clock on the wall struck 6:30. Ever punctual, the selfish brute barged through the double doors and stomped his way upstairs. The thought crossed my mind that he could break into my room and steal my belongings, but I dismissed it. Anyone who saw my room saw I had nothing to steal. 

The only valuables I had were inside my head. Equations, literature, philosophical texts, and most important for the time, pages and pages of music.

I put my memory to good use as I performed my evening show for myself.  During the days, people only wanted the crude drinking songs; the ones with no feeling or soul. Once everyone went home on Sunday evenings, I had the song choice to myself. I kept myself sane by playing compositions from the greats.

I chose Chopin again, maybe out of a small hope the man would come back. 

My hopes were answered as the clock struck seven. Again, I heard no double doors open, but rather the voice of my mysterious friend;

“I think I know why I like Chopin.”

I turned around, and sure enough he was standing there, dark coat and dark hat.

“You're back,” I said with some surprise as I stood up and made my way to the bar. “You left so soon last time.” I began to pour the wine into two glasses and took my same spot as before. “Sit and tell me about Chopin.”

The man sat down on the bar stool across from me and took the glass of wine. “I think I remember my mother used to play his work.” 

“That's a tremendous discovery! How did you find out?”

“It was your playing. It brought me back.”

I smiled, I was glad my music actually helped someone. “Did it bring anything else back?” 

“I’m getting flashes of high buildings, and a few of my mother's words. She, if I can remember correctly, was a deeply God-fearin’ woman.”

“God-fearing eh?” I said with some disapproval. 

The man frowned, the first I saw with real displeasure. “What's wrong with loving God?” he asked.

I put my hands up in surrender, “To each his own I guess, I just don't believe in any of that stuff.”

 “You don't believe in anything beyond this world?”

“It doesn't make any rational sense to me.”

“Well, can you fully disprove its existence?”

I was silent, of course the answer was no, if I knew the answer to everything that would make me God.

“Maybe you should keep an open mind about things you don't know, all I’m sayin’.”

I took another sip of wine. “Do you remember anything else?”

At that moment the brute came thudding down the stairs. He eyed me and adjusted his coat collar before leaving out the double doors.

“What's his business here?” the man asked.

“Y-you didn't guess?”

“I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue.”

“He- was here for the company upstairs if you get my meaning.”

“A workin’ girl…” he said, his hand moved to his breast pocket, and his eyes were on the ceiling. But they held no lust or selfish desire; only a soft ache.

The last of the light of the sun sunk below the horizon. At that moment, the man turned and looked at the changing sky outside. He stood up quickly, “It's time for me to be on my way,” he said.

I frowned, “again?”

He nodded, and I stood to shake his chilly hand, “I’m afraid so, it's been a great evening. Thank you again.”

I barely had time to respond to his thanks before he left through the swinging doors.

I couldn't really tell you what happened the following week. I was too lost in my thoughts for most of it. The days blended together. I played the songs, ate my food, and slept when it got dark, but all my tasks were done with the man's words in my mind. Usually if I came across a spiritual fanatic, I would dismiss them just as soon as I would a fairy tale. The man didn't say anything I hadn't heard before, but those words coming from him for whatever reason stuck with me. I felt like my whole world view was turning over on itself. 

Anna, in the meantime, had changed from hopeless to downright angry with the world. She was almost comparable to a trapped animal at times. Her temper had gotten so bad to the point that the bartender had to threaten to kick her out, as she was driving all the patrons away. She had cooled off a bit at the prospect of having nowhere to sleep at night. But it didn't change her general mood toward people. It just made me want to stay away from her even more.

It's Sunday again and I sit on my bench, playing Chopin. The brute had come through the doors and up the stairs. I can't help every few seconds my eyes flash to the clock on the wall. 6:50, 6:55, 6:57… my fingers continue their rhythm until I hear the seven chimes.

“Have you ever been in love?”

There he is. 

I close the lid to the piano softly and stand to greet him.

“Isn't that a little personal?” I ask, “couldn't you tell me how your week was, or maybe ask about mine? You know, the normal small talk that friends go on about. Or maybe you could tell me why you only show up on Sundays at seven?”

“I’m glad you consider me a friend.”

“Hmm,” I grumbled, “Well come on then, lets sit.”

I fill the glasses and slide one his way as he takes his seat.

“I’m serious,” he said, “Have you ever been in love?”

I sigh, “Maybe, once. I don't really want to get into it. Why do you ask?”

“I think I’m in love. I think I know why I’m here.”

My eyes widened and I leaned forward, “So? What is it?”

The man opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by sudden angry shouts from above us. We both looked to the ceiling, and I realized the voice was Anna’s mixed with the rough brute’s. The voices became louder as they moved to the edge of the stairs, and became clear enough to understand.

“I’m not doing this for you anymore!” Anna yelled, “you can't make me!”

“You bitch! You ain't no woman!” the brute yelled back.

We could see up to Anna’s knees as she stood above him on the stairs, and by the looks of it she was pushing him down one by one. 

“You get out! You never come back!” she said with each push. We watched as she forced him down. Until the only thing we couldn't see of her was her head.

“You shoot my Jake dead! And you expect me to lay on my back for you? You're lucky I don't kill you! Get out! Get out!”

The brute was finally pushed off the stairs and landed on his backside. “He deserved it!” he yelled, “The thief! You're no better than him! Takin’ my money like that! I’ll be back!”

With that, the brute stood up and stomped away without a word. Anna collapsed into a sob on the final stair, her long red hair cascading over her face and back.

I looked over to the man, who's eyes were as wide as saucers. His hand absentmindedly made its way to his chest, he looked down at his fingertips, which to my astonishment, were now covered with blood. 

I exclaimed at his sudden unexplained injury, but he didn't seem to notice. His eyes went back to Anna, and he stood up and made his way silently over to her as if in a trance. 

He crouched down in front of her shaking figure. For the slightest moment he hesitated. But nevertheless he reached out in the most tender way possible and held her shaking hands.

She looked up at the hands that were holding hers. Then, in almost disbelief, she looked at the man's face. Her tearful eyes studied him for a long moment. She brought her hand up to his cheek and just felt his skin as she tried to believe what was crouched in front her. “Jake?” she whispered.

The man leaned into her touch like it was life giving. He looked into her eyes, and cradled his hands around her chin. They leaned in for a kiss, the most tender and passionate and mournful kiss I have witnessed in all my years. 

The man then reached into his breast pocket, and pulled out a small fortune of bills wrapped in twine, and a ring. He gave the money to her and she clutched it to her chest. He then reached out for her trembling hand and slid the ring on her finger.

She looked at it with tears in her eyes. But she then focused on the growing red stain on his chest, and a panic began to reach her. Her hand reached out and gingerly touched the red, but the man held her hand against his chest, and with ever patience and serenity, shook his head no.

He wrapped her in a hug, and it was the most at ease I've ever seen her be. Her head found the utmost comfort in the crook of his neck, for a moment I thought maybe they had fallen asleep in each other's embrace. 

The glasses around me began to light up in the dying daylight, and only then did the man look up behind him out the window.

“I have to go…” he breathed.

Anna’s grip tightened around him. He leaned into her and whispered something into her ear. She looked up at him, sorrowful understanding now crossed her features. 

They stood up together, and leaned in for one last kiss. She said something to him as well, but only he could hear it.

He turned and looked at the sunset again, there was barely a sliver left on the horizon, and it was retreating quickly. He looked back at her with yearning in his eyes. But she nodded, “I know,” she said softly, “go, I’ll see you again.”

He took a deep breath and brought her hands up and kissed them before turning away. He held her hands for as long as he could as he walked to the doors, but eventually they fell from each other's grip.

He paused right in front of the swinging doors, his hand resting on the top of one. He looked to the dying light again.

Anna suddenly rushed over to him and hugged him from behind, “don't worry,” she whispered, “I’ll be right behind you.”

The man took a deep breath, and Anna let him go. 

He stepped through the doors just as the last of the sun sunk below the horizon. 

Anna stood there watching the street outside for a long time, and I sat frozen on my bar stool watching her. 

When the last glow from the day turned to darkness, Anna turned around and rushed upstairs. A few moments later, she came down with a small trunk stuffed with her few belongings. She pulled a few of the bills from the money she had been given, and stuffed the rest in her bag before heading toward the doors.

“Wait!” I called, “Where are you going?”

She stopped in the same place the man had in front of the double doors. “The coach to San Francisco,” she said, “Like we were going to a long time ago.”

With that, she left. I watched her walk down the street to where I knew the stage was parked, waiting for a good paying traveler.

I was alone in the saloon once again, trying to make sense of what just happened. I reached out and felt the man's glass. It was just as warm as the rest of my surroundings. There was no rational way to explain his cold hands.

I think that's what stuck with me the most that night. I could explain away almost everything except for his frigid hands. I laid on my uncomfortable bed, but no sleep would come. My mind raced until the early morning hours.

It has been a month or so since my strange encounter with the man and Anna, and I am happy to say I am writing this as I sit in a stagecoach on my way to San Francisco. I had finally saved enough money with my meager pay as a pianist to be on my way to real civilization. 

But as I look back at the shrinking town I cannot help but feel a certain sense of spiritual tie to the pathetic little place. What I witnessed here has changed me forever.

Maybe, I think, the town of Midpoint is more aptly named than I first believed.  

[thunderjolt]

pokémon black and white

this post might be a little bit different from my usual fare. this is, by my count, my seventh playthrough of this game. it's a yearly tradition for me. and this game means so much to me that i almost can't do that much design analysis; my brain doesn't let me think about it that hard, i just play it and get serotonin dumped directly into my brain. so this time, i think i'll be sharing my history with this game and talking about why it means so much to me. more of a sentimental sienna this time.

i bought pokémon white version on launch in 2011. i actually recently found pictures on my old dsi of me waiting outside gamestop in the morning to pick it up. i had recently gotten back into pokémon after a brief "pokémon is for babies" phase, which ended with me getting heartgold/soulsilver. after that, when i first heard about black and white, my excitement was through the roof. while like many, my first time keeping up with news for a game was super smash bros. brawl, my first time going into unofficial territory and consuming everything i could possibly find was black and white. bulbanews, serebii, gcpm11 videos every single day, absorbing everything so i could excitedly talk about it with friends.

it's important to note that my life situation was pretty fraught at the time. i won't get too deep into my personal trauma, but i never really had stable or consistent schooling. i had trouble functioning and was prone to outbursts, so the district would try to send me to special ed programs that i could also never really function in, and i'd often end up in a limbo of just not being in school for months upon months at a time. this was one of those periods, and it was especially rough for me, as the year before was pretty much the first time in my life i'd had a stable healthy school situation and social life. i think that caused me to be even more absorbed into the whole hype cycle, as i desperately needed some kind of out for how bad i was doing mentally.

in february, i was able to convince my parents to take me to the pokémon black and white mall tour, an event with a special early demo of the game, activities to do, prizes to win, special merch on sale, etc. it was in indianapolis, which is about a 3 hour drive from here, which makes it all the more amazing i actually convinced them to do that. i used my camcorder and filmed everything, then edited it together into a video - i think that might be lost media now. i can tell you it had this starship amazing song in the background, though. the trip was ended somewhat prematurely unfortunately, as my mom suffered an injury while we were there. despite the trip ending on a sour note, i was satisfied - i got to play the game - if briefly - before it released, after all. on the car ride home i found a shiny slowpoke on my heartgold.

now back to launch day. i picked white largely for its exclusive pokémon - i had no strong preference between reshiram and zekrom, but i really wanted reuniclus. as i still wasn't in school, i marathoned the game. it was all i did, all day. i recall playing it while i was out getting my blood drawn for something. i beat it in about 3 days. this started a trend for me, and i'm now always the first person i know to complete a new pokémon game. i enjoyed it a lot. it was probably the first game i'd ever played where i felt truly engaged in the story. things felt like they had real weight and depth. i loved all the new pokémon, all the human characters, all the music... the fire for pokémon i had that had once diminished came back stronger than ever. i started playing on pokémon online, and then, pokémon showdown. i wasn't very good at building teams, but i was pretty decent at the game for an 11 year old who didn't even bother to read anything on smogon. i started getting deeply into the TCG - again, not great at deckbuilding (though not really like i had a choice - my parents were still araid of buying things on the internet, so i couldn't get singles) but still did decently at my weekly league and at prerelease tournaments. i can confidently say that pokémon black and white, and the things surrounding it, changed my life, and got me through some really rough times.

i can't confidently say when i first replayed the game, but it must've been whenever i first got a copy of black. my love deepened on that playthrough, as it did again on my third. every time, there'd be something new for me to appreciate about the story or the world. i continued to replay the game fairly regularly, even after the release of its sequel. speaking of said sequel, about a month after its release, i stumbled onto a certain crack roleplay group that changed my life in numerous ways, and deepened my pokémon fandom. but that's a story for another day.

around 2014 i started feeling a certain way about the female protagonist, hilda, and also started heavily questioning my gender. this certain feeling would later be diagnosed as "kinning." i used it as a weird coping mechanism for constant dysphoria in my middle teen years, and hilda continues to be a character i heavily associate myself with and project onto, as you can plainly see by looking at literally any of my social media profiles.

it was... 2016 i wanna say? when i formally decided i'd play through the game every year. that number, seven playthroughs, is really inexact. i recall playing through each of my three cartridges once, and then i started formally playing through it once a year in 2016, so i just added that up. there's a good chance it's more, and that i've been playing it yearly for longer than i realize. regardless, each time i've appreciated the game more and more. i still cry at all the big moments, and i feel a general sense of comfort just playing it now. my connection to all of the characters, the region, everything strengthens every time.

i thought i had more analysis for you than i do, but i really don't. my sentimental attachment to this game is too strong. i had some stray thoughts, like how the boss battles are better than i remember, and how i desperately wish it had L=A, but ultimately, i don't have much interesting to say about the game itself. i've played it so many times and thought about it so hard that everything about it is just so obvious to me, i don't even know how to pick out what i think is so great. even just talking about the characters and themes is a bit difficult for me.

i can't say that you'll love pokémon black and white if you play it. i can't say you'll feel as strongly as i do about it. it has a lot of notable flaws, and they continue to be apparent or become more apparent as time goes on. but, at least for me, it's a truly special adventure, and one of my favorite games of all time.

[anotherkindofmindpod]

Listener Mailbag - Sept. 30, 2019

Listener feedback is valuable to us, and we love it when someone takes the time to reach out and engage us in conversation!  

This listener offers several compelling and interesting counter-points to the previous listener-letter’s assertion that the imbalances regarding McCartney’s critical reputation (and fandom toxicity regarding McCartney in general) have been redressed.  We don’t agree that they have, and this listener has made many similar observations.

Please feel free to email us at akompodcast at gmail dot com, send us an ask, or a Tumblr message. We love hearing from you!

Listener’s letter:  

Thank you guys so much for all of your hard work on this podcast! I’ve had an absolute blast listening to all the episodes, and I’m sure there are many who look forward to it just as much as I do. My letter is partially in response to another listener’s letter (the one who stressed that the jean-jacket narrative is no longer as prevalent as it once was).

I really loved your response, and I simply wanted to express that, whatever their experience with the Beatles’ narrative might’ve been, mine has been the exact opposite. I’m pretty young and my parents never really listened to the Beatles. I knew about the Beatles and Paul McCartney, but I was so naive to their story that it never really clicked that Paul was even in the Beatles until I became immersed in their lore (I had never even heard of George Harrison. Whoops, sorry Georgie). So, I was as blank a slate as they come.

I’ve been absolutely devouring Beatles media for the past three months. And being a Paul fan in 2019? Still really difficult due to the toxicity of the fandom. Obscure books about John Lennon or the group as a whole are far easier to track down than Paul books.

It took an embarrassingly long time to discover that Paul even had an authorized semi-autobiography. (The cringeworthy lack of attention toward Ringo and George hasn’t escaped my notice, either. Their legacy has been seriously neglected) And a lot of the books I’ve managed to get my hands on tend to take unprovoked jabs at Paul’s legacy: two of the “Paul books” I’ve bought recently were prefaced, essentially, with “I’ve never liked Paul because I resented the way the women in my life so obviously enjoyed him.” Both the Norman and Clayson biographies began this way, and it just seemed so unnecessary.

Now I have to do extensive research before purchase to avoid wasting money on books that disdain Paul for qualities outside of his control. It was baffling that these men thought, despite their personal jealousies, that they were qualified to not only write biographies but to include their personal issues in the preface without having their legitimacy questioned. I’d never seen anything like it.

When books or media praise him, the majority of it seems to be for his appearance. Even Cynthia Lennon, bless her old lady heart (loved her book John, by the way, read it ‘cause you guys recommended it), when it came to describing each Beatle in an interview, described a man who had been a true friend to her for decades as ‘Pretty… so, so pretty.’ The other three Beatles consistently get remarks as to their wit and talent, but few people, even some of his close friends, seem to get past Paul’s looks.

To the untrained, twenty-something eye, Paul comes across as something of an adorable, grandad figure, kind of oddly amorphous in his legacy, rather than the musical genius and powerhouse he actually is. When I started to seek out his music, I was shocked at all the familiar melodies that I’d heard hundreds of times before without ever knowing the artist. His music feels really fresh and relevant to me, not at all dated, a huge contrast to the affable, aging persona I’ve been fed by the media.

Paul is my favorite Beatle, but I’m not looking for media that overtly glorifies Paul in relation to his former bandmates. I just want to have historically factual, fair media that pays respect to the people who have shaped my life and occasionally comforted me with their art. And I don’t want to feel like I should have to be ashamed of my enjoyment just because a group of men found my appreciation vapid and aggravating, for one reason or another.

That’s why I’ve so thoroughly enjoyed the AKOM podcast: it feels like, in a room full of toxic men screaming at the top of their lungs about nothing at all and demanding it become truth, that women (and other varying genders) can still bravely sit down amidst it all, have tea, and breathe some sanity into the stupidity. Thanks again!

Our Response:

Thank you for your wonderful letter. We appreciate the feedback. We love long letters and certainly understand having a lot to say on the subject!

We have had very similar experiences to yours and agree: 

“Paul comes across as something of an adorable, grandad figure, kind of oddly amorphous in his legacy, rather than the musical genius and powerhouse he actually is.” 

This bothers us as well. Paul does not get the artistic credit he deserves. 

Paul himself has shown frustration with the label “the cute Beatle” —can you imagine having written some of the world’s most famous songs and being labeled “cute” while you partner is labeled “smart” or “intellectual” or “genius”? It must be hugely frustrating. Perhaps so much so that he has taken to giving HIMSELF the label of genius recently! We’re all for it!

Unfortunately, it a label and bias that exists. Problem is, Paul is cute and charming! But he is also deep and complex and brilliant and sexy, yet so many writers and observers aren't able to see beyond the surface-level read of him. This hasn’t always been the case though, when we examine contemporaneous reviews of the Beatles, we find that in the 60s Paul’s genius was taken more seriously by some (yes, he had the label “the cute Beatle” but his talents were also taken seriously, especially in the UK); the break-up seems to have altered his critical evaluation.

You said: “When I started to seek out his music, I was shocked at all the familiar melodies that I’d heard hundreds of times before without ever knowing the artist.”

 We are thrilled that you have discovered them. I felt this way about Paul’s solo work as well—I  had been led to believe, by critics, that Paul’s solo music wasn’t up to par with his Beatles work, so approached it with trepidation. What a pleasure it was finding out they were so very wrong. Paul’s post-Beatles work is a joy to explore. It is a treasure chest of incredible music. 

“His music feels really fresh and relevant to me, not at all dated, a huge contrast to the affable, aging persona I’ve been fed by the media.”

Exactly, and Paul’s post-Beatles story is very romantic and relevant as well. Paul’s post-Beatles period hasn’t been significantly romanticized or mythologized….yet. 

The McCartneys themselves do a good job of it, but it hasn’t taken hold in the popular imagination. Based on Paul’s "persona" as it is portrayed in popular culture, one would think Paul spent his entire post-break-up career pining for the Beatles and writing sub-standard but commercially popular music rather than having inspired a whole other music genre and created a goldmine of incredible music.

“Paul is my favorite Beatle, but I’m not looking for media that overtly glorify Paul in relation to his former bandmates. I just want to have historically factual, fair media that pays respect to the people who have shaped my life and occasionally comforted me with their art.”

Wouldn’t that be lovely! But it’s tough to find. It seems some of these biases are so deeply ingrained and embedded in the Beatles story that it colors the view of everything Paul-related. For example, what is this so-called “granny music”? This isn’t even a thing! It’s not a genre, yet Paul’s music is continually given this label. It's time to stop letting John’s labels, which were given in a fit of anger and defensiveness, define Paul and Paul’s music. Again, there are some deep underlying assumptions in this fandom that need to be challenged. 

“And I don’t want to feel like I should have to be ashamed of my enjoyment just because a group of men found my appreciation vapid and aggravating, for one reason or another.  That’s why I’ve so thoroughly enjoyed the AKOM podcast: it feels like, in a room full of toxic men screaming at the top of their lungs about nothing at all and demanding it become truth, that women (and other varying genders) can still bravely sit down amidst it all, have tea, and breathe some sanity into the stupidity. “

 Ha! Well, we are thrilled to have inspired enjoyment and relaxation with a good cup of tea! We understand the pleasure of not wanting to constantly throw your cup at the speaker!

“Can't wait for the next episode!!”

We hope you have enjoyed our latest episodes on the Break-up and LIB. We think we managed to challenge some deeply held believes and assumptions with our analysis. 

Thanks again for the letter, we really enjoyed it! Please continue to share your thoughts if you are inspired!

Best, 

Diana and the AKOM Crew