#and my mum is continuing to do it
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Every time the crystalised discussion on twitter comes back and they get to Lloyd's issues with his father i want to freaking rip my hair out
"Lloyd's in the wrong" "Lloyd was an ass" (<something I literally just saw)
God forbid a child hurt by their parent BE HURT. BE UPSET.
#LLOYD was an ass???? um. have you seen his father?????#i hate it so much i hate it so much i hate it so much#i want to throw up#why do you people not get it#do you need to have a shitty parent yourself to get it.#my mum has never tried to kill me but i get it !!#i WISH i could go off at her like lloyd did!#or wohld i be an ass for that too? hm?#despite the years of hurt caused? hm?#shut the hell up all of you i#this is so stupid to be angry about but lloyd being allowed to br angry at his dad meant a lot to me#this feels so relatable to me#so personal#why do people refuse to see that lloyd has been hurt by his fathers actions again and again#him having issues woth his father isnt even new to crystalised!#remember in s4 when je said something about 'walking out on us again'???#nooo probably not because that man is aaaaalways perfect and the best ever!#i dont know where im going with this im just upset and annoyed and this always happens#i need to continue getting readynfor work.#ignore me#vent#i guess.
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helpp my mum's modesty standards are through the roof recently she won't even let me wear a mini dress w tights n a cardigan m so mad ♡(>_<)
#i kinda messed up too tho ♡😭🎀#was sleepy n wearing a deep neck top n my bra was showing while we was at a family member's house :(♡#...but i prommy my mum has been so weird even before that!! :(♡#one of these days i dressed up to go to the mall n wore a mint green flowy romper w white tights n my mum was like... 'your tights' 🤨🤨#i just ignored her n continued whatever me was doing :(♡#but me so mad ughh ♡😠#just wanna feel cute n wear clothes that feel the most me ♡🥺💞#m honestly so done w my fam it's like one way or another they find a way to ruin anything that makes me happy ♡😣</3#m so so sad :'(♡#liana's diary ♡#tw: negative ♡#coquette girl#just girly posts#just girly things#girlblogging#girl hood#girl blogger#girlhood#girly stuff#girly#girlblogger#girly girl#coquette dollete#pink coquette#coqeutte#coqette#coquette#dolletecore#dollete aesthetic#dollette
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"I can't hear you over the sound of the eight billion glasses and plates clinking, and the very high possibility that I'm going to lose my job, and the fact that everyone at this charity dinner hates me but we have to act nice to each other, and the weird lighting in this room, and these fucking Spanx!"
- Katherine Hastings, probably
#she's autistic because i said so#the lighting in the charity dinner is so weird#it's not bad lighting but the spotlights make me think of searchlights#i remember trying on these really firm leggings that my mum has#and my mum was like “remember when you were asking about shapewear because of that show? that's what Spanx feel like.”#and i'm thinking “well that's bullshit; i can see why they made an entire cold open about them; this material is awful.”#also there's a continuity error in that cold open with katherine's sleeves#and it bothers me because when ana posted the scene on her insta; there was no continuity error#but the clips were in a different order in the actual episode#which just goes to show how many times i've watched that cold open#like i love it and i hate it#also wtf were the tight sleeve things for#do people really pay that much attention to women's arms when they're wearing tight dresses?#katherine and ana don't need spanx#and the former shouldn't feel like she needs them#i will die on this very specific hill#that scene in the commercial ep where sadie says something like “women should wear what they're comfortable in”#TELL THAT TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND#on x's insta she said that they were all wearing spanx and could barely breathe#and i'm just thinking about katherine really awkwardly asking dori for help#and dori sending a text to sadie#being like “we will all support katherine. we will all be concerned about her job and be physically uncomfortable together.”#women loving women in a non-gay way#but also in a gay way#sad that i can't tag people in hashtags#because i would love for @harrietdyker to write a fic#american auto#katherine hastings#sadie ryan#dori otis
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you hate the Jason parents retcon? Me too; I've never seen anyone else like the circus parents more
I kinda feel bad now bc I meant the Jason's parents retcon of them going from victims of their circumstance to poor people bad sorry anon I'm sure there are people who prefer circus parents #2 I'm just not one of them (if you do sound off so anon knows they're not alone)
#ask#anon#im gonna continue my little steph Jason parents rant from yesterday tho bc i got a lot to say#like the way that steph and jason basically had mirror images of their parents#is a really easy way to see how the perception of poor people#changed between their two eras of batman comics#like jasons parents being poor and bc of that being forced to do shitty things#to stephs mum and dad being poor and just shitty people#but the reason i dont complain about stephs background like i do with jasons now that they've retconed his parents#is bc Jason was also retconed to always be this overly angry kid#while steph literally choose to fight her fathers villainy#and everything steph does herself fights back again poor stereotypes#like how she was a teen pregnancy#so while steph fights against sterotypes jason has been retconed to play into them#and i hate it#its why i think if you want to explore the bad poor parents you do it with steph#and we should try to steer jasons back into jason was a good kid with good parents who were doomed to fail by the system
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Quirky representations of dementia should go die actually
#pardon me my friends i know I'm in a Good Mood today and will probably continue to be once I've taken some time to be mad/sad#but god the other night our ex-neighbour was obvs trying to comfort me#by talking bout a lady with dementia she knew who was onviously sick but in her mind she went out and did things and danced#and i was at the dinner table with my own sick lady#and therefore could not say honey. good for her i guess.#but my mum is almost aggressively trapped in her here and now#she doesn't know how to exist without us#her safe person is the husband her marriage was failing with#if we go out for five minute she panics and scratches at the door#she is sad and confused 95% of the time#content and confused the other 5%#and i can barely even visualise her as my mum anymore#because the mum who raised me would've killed herself if she knew this was coming#(like she used to tell me that. frequently tell her small child she'd rather kill herself than be unable to look after herself)#(which had a very normal impact on me I'm sure)#anyway. I'm a huge hypocrite and will still go and listen to marbles by the amazing devil and think it's the loveliest most romantic thing#and maybe some people do get lucky and find some joy in their minds when they have nothing else#but i have to just watch her brain fester and decay every day and there's just nothing quirky or beautiful about it#and all i can think is about how there's those mums who don't like raising small kids but enjoy parenthood when the kids are grown#and how that was supposed to be her#for a little while it was her#for a brief window of a couple of years she and i were each others best friend#and now she's this sad scared anxious thing shaped like my mum#who doesn't trust me as much as the man she was maybe a year or two out from leaving#and she's trapped in her brain and swiftly rotting#and it's just not cute and it's not funny#anyway#it is what it is#mr. bees speaks
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dude its always "be yourself" till youre trans and now suddenly oh i get to nitpick every little thing about you oh that gesture was very feminine made you look like a girl oh youre wearing a shirt thats cream coloured? seems a little feminine to me oh you paint your nails? so youre a girl after all like ???? youre giving me mixed messages here am i meant to be myself or am i meant to conform to your idea of what a man is in order to be accepted as one by you
#⚠️#one time after i came out my mum saw me lounging around in a black t shirt and she was like oh it made you look like a man thinking it was#compliment but dude i got so mad i was like for fuck sake is that seriously what i have to do to be considered a man is lounge around in a#black t shirt??? lounging around is masculine???? what????????#i was also just a very angry person in general but still that really confuses me#had a psychiatrist note down shit about my appearance saying whether they thought it was feminine or masculine (they thought it was all#feminine) which was fucking crazy cause i went in for an adhd diagnosis#people just find out youre trans and suddenly start acting like experts on whats feminine and whats masculine and what makes you either#gender like shut the fuck up#can also come from people who they themselves accept some cis men are feminine and some cis women are masculine but suddenly as soon as you#try to transition now you have to be masculine or be feminine or youre not valid in their eyes#its fucking crazy#like if i showed them a dude with long hair theyd be like thats a dude with long hair but as soon as i have my hair long im told to cut it#i can show them a dude in a skirt and theyd probably laugh thinking its funny or some bullshit but theyd still think its a dude in a skirt#but if i wear a skirt suddenly im a girl#i know at the root of all this they truly believe people cant switch genders cause in their minds sex and gender is the same but still its#so annoying especially when they pretend to be accepting or think theyre being accepting and when you challenge them on their transphobia#they get all mad at you and act like youre being rude for criticizing them for doing the bare minimum whilst also just continuing to be#transphobic#like yeah you use my correct name but when im not around you use she/her for me and you say i **want** to be a boy instead of i am a boy bu#when i talk to you about this suddenly im the bad guy like its my fault youre using language for me thats transphobic#like ok man. whatever.#sorry for asking you to be a decent fucking human being toward me and treat me with respect#its like people just treat trans peoples gender like something they can just dismiss like its nothing liek we're just playing pretend or#something#like god its frustrating. i need to cut my mum out of my life fr
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I'm taking my own actions here
#May have requested info material for sports journalism study...#there is legit like one singular uni that isn't private and incredibly overpriced#it's mostly online tho which is hmmmhm#but anyways#who even knows maybe I'll get to continue my bwl studium...#but do I even want that anymore? don't know... cause I really really hate the way my uni is treating all of this#haven't even told my mum yet and like I know my parents would both make fun of me so much
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me vs still bursting into tears over the cat that my family gave away w/o telling me 2 years ago.
#hades u were a legend.#i have so many issues and the one that gets me the most emotional is my cat#i have complained many times and i will continue to do so.#he was mine. my mum got him for me after my dad died. and then when she died months later my family got rid of him when i went to uni#chat#tw death#death mention tw#death mention#my cousin moved in to look after him + my dog.#kept the dog got rid of hades like??? ok :/
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Majima absolutely makes silly faces at small children when they pass by, this I know in my heart.
#do they cry sometimes? well. Yes.#but largely they're transfixed and are making faces back#nayway i do actually do this to babies and small kids bc its fun#but the horror of not realizing the mums turned around and youre makin a stupid ass face at the baby and then you gotta :)#i wasnt pokin my tongue out ay ya kid lady i swears :)#whereas majima would just continue to make faces bc he's. well. majima#anyway#Majima#goro majima
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...
#srry for the continued pause in scribbles ive been feeling not very good at all#idk something just broke in my brain after our last sampling trip idk y bc it wasnt that bad but when i got back#it was just a couple days of my brain being real crazy in terms of thought patterns. it still kinda continues to b like that#but idk i haven't had a session of hysterical crying today so maybe im on the mend. its weird i haven't felt this bad in a really long time#i dont even have the energy to complain about it its just no joy. burned streight thru that. bruned streight thru my desire to draw#i mean i still draw every day but its like shitty i dont have time scribbes bc idk it all feels so fucking pointless. and im terrible at#hiding how i feel abt things so my boss is like: maybe u should take a break this weekend i dont want u to burnout. like. lady we crossed#that bridge way back in March. u r speaking to a ghost. i just. i dont kno if i can stay here until like next july at least if not longer#and it sucks bc i kno someday ill look back and this time in my life will make me real sad bc im laying here choosing to make myself#miserable and i somwhere halfway across the country my mum has tumors growing in her abdomen. and i cant go home for Thanksgiving and idk#how long ill get at Christmas. not bc anyone is telling me i have to stay. my brain just wont let me do things. i just lay here in my#increasingly chaotic apartment not taking the steps to get refunded for travel expenses worrying over deadlines and agonizing over social#interactions. worrying about all the things my brain wont let me do that need to be done and not taking the steps to get better#its stupid and annoying and i know its only going to get worse when i have to start taking measurements in the lab#ive at least been practicing a lot of german tho lmao. someday ill look back like: lol remember when u got super depressed and filled the#void with learning german? literally today my dyslexic read the word albeit as aber and it was v disorienting#idk its just fun and i feel like im at least being productive. so yea idk when ill b able to post scribbles again#but i thought id at least post something while i had the energy i accumulated by taking with a happy Canadian lab group#maybe ill join them in a year idk idk decisions decisions and so many applications the cost of which is trying to dissuade me from#getting a tatt0o :-P ay ay ay live a little! pls i beg u. but no prob not. against the rules#unrelated
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the doctor will be like haha your name is dorothy, it’s greek for gift of god and then his companion’s life will be entirely manipulated by an elder god and the one person she trusts and looks up to (who is essentially a god in his own right) will tear her apart but she’ll still love him. anyway doctor who is a normal show and i’m normal about it.
#in other news i just noticed a continuity error in the curse of fenric and yes i know we're politely meant to look away but seven lands#hand first in the absolute filthy mud and his hand is black with it then he puts it on ace's shoulder and chucks her nose and it's magically#clean.#also the photo of audrey magically disappears. she's holding it at the water one moment and next it's gone.#also i cannot for the life of me remember which audio he says that about her name but it's either shadow of the scourge the settling or#somewhere inbetween. i didn't label and timestamp it oh the shame#“It’s Greek. Means gift of God.” “Does it? My mum loved the Wizard of Oz.” “So do I. Astute woman that Audrey McShane.”#seven#ace#y'know...... my name is greek...... it would be a great foreshadowing name as a doctor who companion..... resurrection and all......#(ana - again. histanai - to stand. anastasia - to stand again - resurrection.)#just in case the bbc or big finish are listening........
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July 23
#1. the weather this month was horrible. how is it raining this much in the middle of summer? so annoying#2. July was a month full of having mehmaan or going to visit other peoples houses. I’m a pretty social person and I usually love spending#spending time with family but this was a bit too much#I made my version of knafeh after quite some time (without a recipe really) and it turned out good 😃#3. flowers my mum regretted buying cause after paying she saw other ones she liked more and which were cheaper lol#4. these beads I used last year to make necklace. wore it only a few times so decided to change it and make it into a phone chain. also#got this cute sticker from work. cute right. my inner child is really happy with the amount of cute stickers I can just use#5. every year there’s this group of Muslim youth from another city. and they organise a carnival type a thing for the kids in their city#2 years ago I volunteered there and decided to do it again this year. it’s not in my own city but our masjid is in that city. took my mum#+ little brother with so he could play. my aunt also came with her kids and it was a really nice day. the whole thing was organised and run#by Muslims and was free for all. i had a good time helping out and was asked if I wanna join the committee (?). I declined#bc it’s a little too far for me to be present throughout the year. I will continue to help on the day of in sha Allah. anyway they did do#catering for the volunteers and it was from one of my favourite restaurants in that city. I kinda know the owner so when I saw him when I#joked if my favourite cheesecake would also be provided today. he said unfortunately not but he’ll bring some just for me so he did 🥺#6. made a little heart w my baby bros hair#monthly recap
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Is anyone at that mid-point in the year when they have no idea what they’re doing in life? Just curious
#maybe it’s winter blues#what do I study#do I move to the coast#should I continue my pilots license#should I change jobs#should I go to Hawaii for a week#is studying dinosaurs or archeology cooler#what about behavioural science?#why didn’t my mum wish me a happy birthday#WHY IS THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR ALWAYS SO SUCKY
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got me smear test tomorrow pls wish me luck......
#*deep space noises*#i am.. desperately trying not to think abt it#also the universe is continuing to chuck some shit at my family#so i also have to get up early tomorrow to do mum’s food n stuff and cook dinner#so much shit has been happening i feel spread thin
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I think the worst part of being broken up with after dating someone so long is just when you see a funny meme or hear some exciting news and you just don’t have anyone to tell
#although I love my friends I just don’t text them as often so it would be weird of me to send them things or tell them about my day#every time I see an orangutan video I almost want to cry because he loved orangutans and every time I saw a video of one id send it to him#the worst of it is - I’m just completely isolated rn#I’m back at uni but nobody is going out because of essay deadlines (and that’ll probably continue for at least 2 more weeks) and other than#that I’m completely alone - I call my mum everyday but I have nothing else#and then the film festival that I normally help out at is going on rn but I can’t go cause of essays so just seeing that posted online is#making me feel even more isolated than normal#I just feel more alone than ever before and I really don’t know what to do
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Im bringing back 2015 era vent posting anyway i kinda wish my parents didnt pretend to give me space to talk about myself cause they always use it as a space to then yell at me for not saying what they want to hear
#i was very ready to tell them that im kinda sick of them picking on me about not having my life in order#when my two adult brothers refused to do any housework all weekend#and continue to refuse to do it#and its driving me up the wall#but i know for a fact ill get the reply of#'we're not picking on you! we tell the boys to do housework too' (this is a lie)#and 'well now you know how mum feels when you dont do housework' (i am the only one of her kids that helps with the house)#so i just said nothing
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