#and now i am reading a lot of books about punctuation and i am learning stuff all the time

[punctuation-completionist]

Hi!! I really like all the stuff you do, y'know the counting punctuation and things; I was wondering what inspired you to start this gimmick (in a good way)? I'm not a 'fangirl'* per-se– but I do read all your posts and have notifs on haha :] [< — the cute lil smiley you do on posts]

* I definitely am lol...

+ P.S. I hope this ask doesn't come across as wrong or weird I'm just happy and autistic and you are a "curious creature" whose posts I like/adore {and you introduce me to cool art}

. ? ! , : ; – — - [ ] { } ( ) ' " ... / <

20/21

bonus:

*

1/16

honestly i don't remember exactly what i was thinking when i made this, it was sort of a spur of the moment idea we chased when we realized there was no punctuation completionist :> either way thanks a lot for the compliments, it's always nice to have a fan !

[drchucktingle]

It’s Carly Tingle’s big day, the release of her first traditionally published horror novel, Camp Damascus. Unfortunately, Carly’s having trouble enjoying this moment as fear and chaos begin to swirl around her. She wants the book to do well, of course, but it slowly becomes apparent there’s more to Carly’s ambition than meets the eye.

Things get clearer when Carly revisits an old erotica short she’d written, titled Eaten Right By The Physical Manifestation Of My Pride And Excitement That The Lead Character Of My First Traditionally Published Horror Novel Is On The Autism Spectrum Just Like Me. This sets off a chain of fourth-wall breaking events that will send Carly on an adventure unlike any other.

Now at the book shop, Carly will come face-to-face with the beautiful physical manifestation of her pride and excitement as an autistic artist, culminating in an erotic lesbian encounter that could inspire generations to come.

This erotic tale is 4,300 words of sizzling human on sentient physically manifested excitement in the form of a punctuation mark action and lesbian autistic pride love.

----

please enjoy EATEN RIGHT BY THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF MY PRIDE AND EXCITEMENT THAT THE LEAD CHARACTER OF MY FIRST TRADITIONALLY PUBLISHED HORROR NOVEL IS ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM JUST LIKE ME out now for free but asking for donation to AUTISTIC SELF ADVOCACY NETWORK

MORE ABOUT THIS TINGLER:

hey there buckaroos i would like to use today to talk on something that is very important to me. i have talked a lot about my journey as a bud on the autism spectrum, and about how I LOVE BEING AUTISTIC.

my story on the spectrum is not a struggle. my way was diagnosed in early twenties, but because of way of masking VERY FEW BUCKAROOS WOULD EVEN NOTICE. it has given me ability to hyper focus and get large amounts of writing done, to find creative ideas neurotypical buds might miss, and to have a unique perspective on life on this timeline.

HOWEVER as man name of chuck my pride in this way used to make me uncomfortable, thinkin i should not share my story. there are many buds on this spectrum who have a MUCH harder time than chuck, and i want to respect the VERY IMPORTANT AND VERY REAL struggles of my fellow autistic buckaroos. for long time i did not feel like it was my place to share and say ‘personally, i wouldnt change my autistic trot for anything. i think being autistic is very cool’

but as tingleverse got more fans and buckaroos started listening to my words more i started thinking: THIS is an opportunity to prove love. part of the reason i am PROUD of my spectrum way is because FIRST INTERACTION with idea of this trot (was called aspergers way back then) was to realize that ALL MY HEROS were on this spectrum: david byrne of band TALKING HEADS being number one.

my FIRST INTERACTION with this idea was not ‘whoa this is tragic’ it was ‘whoa the coolest buckaroo on the PLANET is the same as me’

POINT IS i have been on this timeline a while now and now i am in this position myself. i can be the one buckaroos see when they learn this about themselves and think: WOW LOOK AT THIS WILD ARTIST I ADMIRE BREAKING THE NORMS AND CHARTING A NEW TROT THROUGH THIS TIMELINE WE ARE BOTH AUTISTIC THIS IS THE HECKIN COOLEST

most of the characters i write are probably a little on the spectrum because they are comin from inside chucks head. i look back and notice this and laugh, but other than a single tingler i rare actually OUTRIGHT SAY this character is autistic. i decided that FIRST BIG HORROR NOVEL WITH A TRADITIONAL PUBLISHER was a good time to change this. while i write erotica most of the time which means NO YOUNG BUCKAROOS ALLOWED, horror is a little different. buckaroos young and old can read CAMP DAMASCUS and think ‘i see myself in this autistic hero and I FEEL COOL’

EVEN WRITING THIS NOW makes me get teary eyed and emotional, because these feelings of belonging and positive representation were SO IMPORTANT to me. i would not be trotting here without these autistic heroes, and now i have been given the chance to create one of my own with CAMP DAMASCUS and WITH MYSELF just by being chuck and talking openly about my joyful, exciting, artistic trot on the spectrum.

WITH ALL OF THIS IN MIND i am releasing a brand new tingler called EATEN RIGHT BY THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF MY PRIDE AND EXCITEMENT THAT THE LEAD CHARACTER OF MY FIRST TRADITIONALLY PUBLISHED HORROR NOVEL IS ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM JUST LIKE ME for free. HOWEVER i am requesting that if you choose to read you send your three dollars (or whatever donation you would like) to the AUTISTIC SELF ADVOCACY NETWORK. this way 100 percent of all profits will go to them. (WARNING this is actual erotica so no young buckaroos allowed for this one).

all ages (who are old enough to read horror) can preorder CAMP DAMASCUS at any bookstore. i also have a tingler name of NOT POUNDED BY THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF SOMEONE ELSE'S DOUBT IN MY PLACE ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM BECAUSE DENYING SOMEONE'S PERSONAL JOURNEY AND IDENTITY LIKE THAT IS INCREDIBLY RUDE SO NO THANKS that is pound free so all ages can read so check that out if you would like.

thank you for blessing me with a space to explore these ideas. i am so thankful to be here with you and you have treated me so well. i am eternally grateful for our tort together and look forward to the future we craft on this timeline.

LOVE IS REAL - chuck

[msmargaretmurry]

What is writing advice you would give to someone just starting out?

ohhh you know i love to talk about WRITING. this is mainly geared at people just starting out writing fanfic but most of it can probably be applied to original fiction and other types of writing too 💕

first of all: be patient with yourself. like all other skills, writing is something that takes practice to get good at! i've been writing for YEARS and am still constantly learning and growing as a writer. if you're just starting out and you find yourself getting frustrated that the stuff on the page doesn't match the stuff in your head, it does NOT mean you're bad at writing. it just means you need more practice. do you think the first fanfics i wrote were good? no, they were incoherent and you will never find them.

write about things that you're excited to write about. whether this is the most popular pairing in the fandom or a rarepair you made up on your own, go with your passion! i know this can be hard because everyone wants the higher amount of comments and kudos that comes with posting popular pairings, but i promise that writing something you're excited about is like step one in getting yourself to write regularly. literally if you read a story you love and think "i want to write a story like that" then write a story like that! figure out how to take the things you loved in it and make it your own. drop the author a note and say they inspired you!

take all writing advice with a grain of salt. i watch a lot of writing advice videos on youtube, and i read craft books and articles on writing craft, and i've learned a ton of stuff from those over the years, but i've also learned that it's totally okay for me to be like "actually i think i disagree" and do it my way. (this does not apply to basic punctuation and grammar tho. please learn those, or get a beta reader who knows them really well. and then you can tactically decide if/when you want to break the rules sometimes.)

everyone has their own writing process. you can watch a million youtube videos on outlining but if outlining just doesn't work for you, videos aren't going to fic that! i used to outline a lot and now i mostly discovery write (i find the term "pantser" so unserious, lol). it took me a long time to develop a writing process that worked for me, and it'll take you some time, too, so don't be afraid to try new things and then set them back down if you're not working for you.

READ. read read read!!! do not just read fanfiction. do not just read the kind of thing you want to write. read WIDELY. and think about the writing while you're reading! if a fic or book is doing something really well, think about what's making it work. if it's doing something that you don't like, think about why it's rubbing you the wrong way and/or how you would fix it. i always say that even if i wind up not loving a book, i always learn something from it, craft-wise, so i very rarely feel like i wasted my time.

TALK about writing with your friends!! i know this one can be tough if you don't already have friends who are into writing, but i am so serious about it. buddy-read books or fics together and then get together afterward to talk about how you felt about the writing, the plot, the characters, the story as a whole. find someone(s) who will let you bounce your own writing ideas off of them, and who will read as you write to cheer you on and help you with tough spots. do the same for them if they want it! writing is such a solitary act that you have to be deliberate about building community around it, and having that community is so worth it.

on feedback: yes, having someone beta read your story can be pretty nerve-wracking. i have (once again) been writing for years and i still get nervous sending something off to be beta'd. but! having a beta reader you trust is so good for your writing. sometimes it really does just take a second set of eyes to spot typos, find plot holes, call you out on writing quirks and habits that you can't see for yourself because you're too deep in it. and it definitely helps to have a friend whose taste and skill level you trust to help make your story better. have a conversation with your beta beforehand to discuss what kind of feedback you're looking for, the timetable for how long they think the beta reading is going to take, how harsh or gentle they should try to make their feedback. if you're nervous about getting a lot of suggested edits, ask them to point out things they really like in the story as well.

OH ALSO. it's totally fine if you're struggling a lot with a story to just set it down for a while and work on something else. as you keep writing, you'll get better at figuring out what kind of writer's block you can beat by pushing through and what kind you need to deal with by just giving a story time to percolate more.

ok i think that's all i've got tonight. 💖

[trigunsbbygirl]

If you’re open for requests could I get a part 2 to Nai being isekaid onto Earth? Maybe when he starts to adapt and get used to the concept? Thank you and feel free to ignore if your requests are closed!

I've seen so many drawings of Knives working fast food on twt and its so fucking funny I love it so much. he would evaporate if he worked in my city during tourist season. but anyways, always down to talk about reverse isekai. hope you enjoy it!!

•it doesn't take long for Knives to get used to how things work on Earth. in fact, he finds a few similarities on Earth and Gunsmoke: you go to school, graduate, get a job, pay bills, buy groceries and so on.

•it's the way the corporate world, government and social media works that he has a bit of a harder time understanding? Knives gets it, he understands the concept and how greed consumes but he's still baffled by it all.

•I won't get into much politics or the saddening things that are happening around the world, but every once in a while, when watching the news, Knives will turn to you and just say 'I am considering returning to my old ways.' and you just hum in agreement.

•he also has a hard time adjusting to being around so many people almost all the time now. even though he stays inside your home most of the time he can still hear people talking, cars driving by and airplanes. it takes him a while to get used to all the noise.

•Knives only really goes shopping with you out of curiosity. he wants to see all the things that are on Earth even if he says he doesn't care. (overtime he starts going with you to make sure you're safe and that he can protect you.)

•I think he'd quite like farmers markets though. it may be busy but he can push through it for the fresh food.

•this man has zero online presence. the only account he would ever have is a youtube account if you and Vash (mainly Vash) managed to convince him to make one to post his music. other than that, he refuses to make accounts for Twitter or Instagram. he sees no point in it.

•Knives doesn't use a diary, but he does write what he did that day on the calendar app. his notes are very blunt too, 'went to zoo. interesting animals.' 'went grocery shopping. boring.' 'celebrated their birthday.. was fun.'

•he also doesn't text much and when he does the messages are short and straight to the point. "what do you want for dinner?" "when are you coming back home?" "we are out of x, pick some up on your way home." and he leaves you on read a lot too.

•also uses proper punctuation and dots the ends of his sentences. he rarely uses abbreviations and slang. the first time Knives used lol you acted like it was the biggest thing ever and he just replied 'stop freaking out.' then promptly left you on read.

•now let's say Knives somehow gets an ID, ssn and all that stuff. like the universe said go help pay bills and gifted him those stuff or smth.

•I've been seeing Twitter talk about Knives working at McDonald's in a modern au and yeah that's funny, but this is a reverse isekai and Knives is still dealing with his kill all humans mentality. if he worked customer service or at a restaurant he may genuinely say fuck the military consequences and consider mass genocide after one too many bad encounters. plus Knives would just be like 'why would I serve an inferior being?'

•but I could see him working at a small local book store or library. it's quiet, not too busy and Knives gets to easily learn about new books or books he may never have ended up hearing about. not much really happens, but one day more people than usual come in to buy a certain book. Knives mentions it to you and you have to explain how a Trigun fan account recommended 'This is How You Lose the Time War.' he has to take a second to take the information in.(I'm so sorry I just had to add this in nsvsjwhks- iykyk-)

•he still has a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that people enjoy Trigun. Knives tries not to think about it a lot, it weirds him out. the fact that a lot of people know about his past, trauma, and apparently, future makes him feel a little queasy and gross. he knows there's nothing he could've done and though no one knows he's actually there, it's still really invasive to him.

•anyways, if Knives learned how to drive, he would be very responsible. the only time he'd break any laws is speeding 10 mph above the speed limit on the highway, but everyone does that so he just joined in.

•whenever someone near him is driving like an asshole he sits there with a death glare. he's there thinking, 'I could ruin your car with my blades. I won't, but I could.' (he wishes he could but he knows many cars have a dashcam and that would cause bigger problems than just legal ones.)

•if it weren't for him living at your place, Knives would have little to no decorations in his home. maybe a few plants and coasters on the tables and books that he likes on a bookshelf, but that's kinda it. he might frame some of his paintings and hang them up. (I can see him with hanging vine plants)

•he gets into gardening a little, maybe hydroponics. Knives doesn't really want a big garden, but he'd like to grow a few vegetables and herbs.

•Knives still doesn't sleep, but over time he will join you for bed and cuddle you as you fall asleep. though after a while, Knives will get out of bed to do his own things. it takes a while for him to get into the idea of just sleeping, but he starts to indulge himself as he realizes how comforting it is to lay with you and rest.

•he starts to surprise you with romantic dinners, like he'll have candles lit up, a slow melody playing in the background. afterwards Knives will draw a bath for you and if you want him to, he'd gladly join you. either way, he's helping you wash up, telling you to just rest after the day you've had. it's the least he could since he can't work.

•overall he does end up adjusting quite well, it just takes him a long time to accept that he does have to live among humans and that the goal he's been working towards for years is practically undoable now. and it takes even longer to start indulging himself in other hobbies and his emotions that start to grow. (although I think his view on humans won't exactly change. but he acknowledges that there are people who are fighting for the greater good.)

[lifeascaty]

I've been away from tumblr for a few months. In October 2021, my Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 neuroendocrine pancreatic cancer. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. He already followed me on tumblr, so I filled my feed with things he would like so he had something new and interesting (or a cute cat) to see every day. (I was already posting a lot for him, but now my queue was entirely for him.) It was a small thing, but I wanted to do anything to help make him smile or distract him. As it was a neuroendocrine cancer, there were treatment options, and soon he was back to living life as if nothing was wrong. But I still kept my queue running for him. In November 2023, a scan was misread. They told my Dad his cancer was responding well to treatment, and he wouldn't need any more nuclear medicine for two years. Unfortunately, this mistake meant my Dad passed away on January 26th 2024. There's no question that this is the worst thing to ever happen to me. My Dad is the person I am/was closest to in the whole world. I've never felt pain like this. I don't know what to do with my tumblr now. I've had it for over a decade, but I've been posting for my Dad for so long that it feels wrong to post without him. I know that's silly. I just miss him so much.

I'm going to post the eulogy I wrote for him below the cut. I don't expect anyone to read it, but I want it to exist somewhere online. I'm really proud of it. It has mistakes - repetitions of words etc. - but I also think it's the best thing I've ever written, because it's about my Dad.

As a professional writer, I’ve felt a lot of pressure to write a eulogy that does my Dad justice. The problem is, I don’t think that’s possible. Especially without him here to give me notes. My Dad has always given me his opinion on my writing at whatever stage it was at, bouncing ideas back and forth with me and arguing over intricate punctuation but, on this occasion, he can’t. I hope he’d like this anyway.

I could talk forever about my Dad. There are so many things I want to tell people about him, about his love and excitement for the world and his joy in getting to live each day. To quote Marcus Aurelius, as my Dad often did, “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” This sentiment defined him, really.

My Dad and I have so much in common. We traded books back and forth. He introduced me to his favourite shows and I showed him mine. He showed me his favourite movies from when he was growing up, and we were always first in line to see new releases at the Odeon in Wrexham. I would spend hours hanging out on the couch in his study as he worked and played music, talking me through his love and admiration of various songs and bands, like Led Zeppelin, Genesis, The Jam, The Smiths. We talked a mile a minute over dinner, always excited to share whatever new thing we’d learned that day. We experimented with various recipes and he gave me my love of cooking. We debated politics constantly, always talked about what was in the news, forwarded interesting posts and memes to each other across multiple social media platforms. Even when I lived on another continent we were in contact with each other every day, keeping track of our respective timezones so we could always find time to talk.

My heart aches every time I read a news article about some interesting new archaeological finding or a new discovery in space, because I want to share it with him. There are so many movies we planned to see, upcoming TV shows we wanted to watch, books we were waiting to be released.

I want to talk to him about the new Taylor Swift album and the Grammys she just won. As some of you may know, my Dad was a Swiftie – he was in the top 0.5% of Taylor Swift Spotify listeners last year. He was a fan of her before I was, often falling asleep to her 1989 album on international flights. He bought us tickets to see her Eras Tour together this summer and we were so excited. I can’t describe the pain I felt when last month he told me that I’d have to go and enjoy it without him. Because he should be here to see it with me. He loved stained glass – even taking classes and making his own artwork. He promised to teach me this summer, and now I’ll have to do it without him. But I’ll still do it. Like I’ll still go to the Eras concert – because it’s what he would have wanted, and because it keeps his memory alive.

I recognise how lucky I am that he is my Dad. So many things had to happen to make it so. Various ancestors had to meet and have children. My parents needed to be born, needed to both decide to go to the same university, needed some anonymous admin person to assign them both to the same university halls where they would ultimately meet. All so that one day I would come in to being and he would be my Dad. The chances of that happening, for everything to have gone right, are so infinitesimally small. And yet they happened. How miraculous is that?

I am who I am because of him. As a young man, he reviewed books for The Oxford Times and Interzone, a Sci-Fi and Fantasy magazine. (He was particularly proud to interview Terry Pratchett, his favourite author, and have his quote used on Pratchett’s books for years to come). He fell in love with stories and storytelling, a love that he passed down to me. Without him, I don’t know if I would have become a screenwriter and author. Storytelling is such a huge part of me, and I don’t know who I’d be without it, and without him. 

There are so many big, impressive things that my Dad did and achieved through his lifetime, but the things that make up a life are the smaller moments. My parents dancing around his study to God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. His love of all our cats across the years and his special relationship with each of them. The time we went out into the garden, on a freezing cold night in November, to watch the Leonids – shooting stars – falling brightly through the atmosphere. Picking me up from Gobowen station every time I came back from London or undergrad, no matter how late my train was. His specific way of stacking the dishwasher that only I could emulate. Summer holidays swimming in the pool, eating ice cream together, and marvelling over his tan.

The problem with loving my Dad so much is that it’s incredibly painful now he’s gone. One of his favourite Marvel TV shows, Wandavision, had the line “what is grief, if not love persevering?” There is so much grief because there has always been so much love between us. And I am thankful for that. Thankful for him, and everything he has done to build a beautiful life for our family.

My Dad’s last words were beautiful. Something we often said to each other, from childhood to adulthood, was “I love you more than the moon, and the stars, and the wide, wide world”. I started saying it to him, none of us knowing the end was hurtling so quickly towards us. He smiled as I began to say the familiar words, and as my Mum and brother joined in, so did he, still smiling as he said “and the wide, wide world”. And that was it.

'To reference Marcus Aurelius once more, he talks in Meditations about how just a day–just a minute–of happiness, of perfection, of peace, is enough. The same goes for the people we love. That we ever had my Dad in the first place is a wonderful thing, something to be so grateful for. Whatever comes after, whatever fortune has in store for us in the future? It can’t change that. What happens next matters less because of the wonderfulness of having had my Dad at all.'

He is my best friend. He will always be my best friend. Whatever happened, I knew he would look after me. That he loved me and cared for me and that with him I was safe. He would look after our family, always. And he did. Even now we’re discovering things he did and put in place to make sure we were okay.

I know I need to stop talking, although, as I said at the beginning, I could talk forever about my Dad. I will finish with a quote from Terry Pratchett: “No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away.” Hopefully my Dad will live forever.

[lunechante]

I used to be a bright child. One of those who read a lot, remember everything, think and connect things rapidly, do math as a hobby and need to be intellectually and cognitively challenged all the time. I had a large vocabulary, and although I tended to take things literally, I would always choose the best word to convey exactly what I meant. 

As soon as secondary school began, so did bullying due to my inclination for anything intellectual - from the last years of primary school would be more accurate, but it was still punctuated with great friendships. In order to try and fit - which unfortunately, looking backwards almost twenty years later, did not prove efficient - I depleted my vocabulary to fit society’s “standards”. The ones of my class, that’s to say. Not those that enhance brightness and supposedly allow you to reach for the top. It was like learning a new language, one I was immersed in all the time.

However, slowly, I forgot my “native” kind of French. The language I’d learnt with books through my childhood. Going back to a more formal language register now seems to be an impossible task. Not only is it not instinctive to me anymore, I also have lost the cognitive ability to provide the kind of intellectual labour needed to get it back due to more than a decade of burn out. Nowadays, even navigating between French and English seems hard.

Actually, I lose my words all the time, whatever the language. In the middle of a conversation, I won’t find the word for the most trivial thing. So I often find myself using my foreign language learning skills, discreetly finding circumlocutions to express the idea. Sometimes using the wrong words, or a foreign language or when I’m with someone I trust, showing the thing and admitting I don’t remember how to name it. Most of the time I do manage to keep the conversation going without my interlocutor noticing I could not find my words. But that doesn’t stop the frustration, shame and fear from striking hard. My grandmother had primary progressive aphasia. That’s how it starts. It got noticeable in her early 70s. I try to convince myself that I’m only in my early 30s, that for me, it’s only a matter of burn out, that it will get better when I am not tired anymore - whatever that means. But in spite of rest, it’s happening more and more. But I see that I am not able to get some of my abilities back. Look at my language register. Or my arithmetic. After decades of not practicing, the skills need to be learnt again. Maybe they just need to be refreshed, but even that seems like climbing Mount Everest.

Growing up, puberty hit me young (pathologically) and hard, making me ugly. By the age of 12, I’d been told more than enough to have internalised my ugliness. Still haven’t gotten over it. Having huge problems understanding humour, my only asset was my intelligence. I built myself on that. Even though my peers rejected me for it - or that’s what I understood -, knowledge has always been the most important thing for me. It’s hard to put these feelings into words. The fear, both of change and of losing the only thing valuable about yourself. The frustration from the inability to do anything about it. That shame of what/who you’re becoming, and the self-confidence that just disappears a bit more every day. Not knowing who you are anymore, because that person is far from who you used to be becoming.

In French

[chaoticbooklesbian]

I finished reading The Color Purple for the first time today. (I started it yesterday and it was supposed to last me beyond the weekend, but that’s a different, shorter, post.) I’d seen the movie with Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah and Laurence Fishburne, so I knew the broad strokes of the story, and I also knew from outside sources that the book was much queerer than the movie.

What I didn’t know was how stylized the writing is. And it got me thinking about how, if I’d read it in high school like most people have, I would have absolutely hated it, solely on the basis of the stylization. (Stylized may be the wrong word here, but it’s the best one I have for it, so I’m using it. If you know a better one, please tell me!) I was (and to an extent, still am) a pedantic little shit, particularly manifesting as grammatical prescriptivism. I believed that there was a Correct Way to write, and that if you broke the rules for any reason, you were wrong and bad at writing. (I know better now.) I, therefore, hated anything that played with grammar or punctuation as part of the storytelling. And I would have, in no uncertain terms, thought that The Color Purple was one of the worst books ever written.

I’m glad I read it now, when I’ve had time to learn that my grammatical prescriptivism was not only obnoxious, but also classist and racist. It’s one of the things I’ve been reflecting on as I’ve read the last two days, alongside the actual story and the themes being presented. I’m not ashamed of the me who was a pedantic little shit, but I’m glad to have learned and grown. I’m glad that I can recognize that learning and growth, and see where my previous beliefs would have steered me wrong. (Ok, maybe I am a little ashamed of the me that was a pedantic little shit. She was kind of awful in a lot of ways. But she had lots of room for improvement, and a willingness to see it through, and I wouldn’t be me without her.)

I guess my point is to keep your eyes open for the places you’ve changed. Recognize the beliefs you no longer hold, how they may have served you in the past, how they may have steered you wrong, and how you’ve worked to grow past them. There’s always more room to grow, more work to do, but it can be really good to look back at where you’ve been and appreciate where you are.

[researchgate]

@literfairy okay since you were interested and i am still passionate about history to a degree and only need one person to tell me they're interested, I'll do it.

Context: why listening to audiobook is not the same as reading, and thus, reading and listening in the middle east soon after printing became a thing.

Alright, so we should start in the beginning, the printing press was invented by my Johann Gutenberg in 1440, changing the world as we know it, though not at once. It reached the Middle East in the following centuries. I will focus here on Egypt.

When Napoleon conquered Egypt, he brought with him printing press devices in French (obviously), Greek, and Arabic scripts. These were far more advanced than the ones in the Ottoman empire and led to an additional spike in the field of teaching kids how to read and write in the kuttab and madrasa. This led to the creation of a new social class, some call it intilligentsia, others call it effendiyah, when it comes to Egypt some specify it as bashiriyyah. These were those who belonged to the middle and higher classes and we're educated (yet had no jobs but that's another story for another time maybe).

However, the majority of Egypt was still lower middle class and lower class that couldnt at first afford schooling (later it became mandatory but again i shall not jump from subject to subject).

They had a lot of free time, so they tended to sit at cafes and the likes, and read aloud the newspapers and printed books to the audience so they can enjoy/learn/generally understand too. This meant that even though many people couldnt read the news, they could be a aware of them (which helped also with nationalism) and of the occurrences in the country. This means they had a more defined "us" and "them" than before, or, more precisely "local" news and "foreign" news. These led to the metaphysical and theoretical borders of Egypt to form among the society and not just by the khedivate.

So, why is it so different than reading? Well, for starters, when we read, even to ourselves, we read with a tone, even the newspaper and science books. We do so far more with history of course and the news, but also science. The moment someone reads to you, you only get one tone, one interpretation of the text. And that Interpretation might not be the one you would have reached, but you wouldn't know if you couldnt first read it to yourself. This is mainly why listening is not the same as reading.

In addition, reading requires a different intellectual effort than listening, and tends to give a more in depth understanding of the text, be it because of punctuation or even bolding/underlines.

This is not to say that it was useless, or insignificant; on the contrary, it had huge influence on the classes that couldn't access the knowledge. It also meant more people could wrote for their parents and read to them and thus changed a bit the way families were, as now sons and daughters could teach their parents too, even read the Quran without reciting it.

Not just reciting classical Arabic, but also understanding it, became no longer a thing of only the clerics, but also of the intilligentsia, meaning that interpretations of the Quran no longer belonged only to clerics, but people could do some of it themselves, which will, in the future, lead also to the development of Islamic feminism as well.

This is a really short and concise idea of what went through my head when i saw that poll. Hope it's not too much of a mess!

[aarlert]

i love your fics sm. any tips for ppl learning to write? whats your process like?

ah!!! me??? shucks! thank you so much! i never feel like i am qualified at all to give tips or advice but because you so kindly asked, here are some things that i think guided me to a place i am happy with:

1. write things that you really want to write. not because you think other people want it or because you crave that sweet external validation—which, look. i do. we all do. all the time. it's nothing to be ashamed about. but if you're just starting out writing, try to get excited about it. have fun with it. seriously, the ride will be so much more enjoyable. write that ship, that trope, that AU, that brainworm that won't leave you alone. seize it. write it because goddamn it no one else will

2. read! read some good words and you will absorb good things. pay attention to what you like: phrasing, imagery, etc. borrow them and make them your own.

3. don't underestimate the value of solid grammar and punctuation. i know it's a pain in the ass, i KNOW, but trust me. making your writing look good, at least on a surface level, helps a lot. your writing is a special thing. polish it! it deserves it!

4. if you are comfortable with it, get your fic beta'd. we don't often notice our own mistakes. and showing your raw work to someone else can feel terrifying, believe me, i want to eat my fist every time. but a second pair of eyes is so valuable. ask a trusted friend—another writer, if you know one. someone who can lend you their expertise but also applaud you for your accomplishments.

5. here is a book i love: "Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, 2nd Edition" by Renni Browne and Dave King. i read it a few years ago and still think about the things i learned in it. every point in this book is a point of advice i'd give to anyone else

i hope any of this is useful!! none of this is like, revolutionary advice, but they will give you a good foundation. i also tried to share things that won't dictate you stylistically, because that can differ so much from person to person.

as for my process, OH BOY. do i even have much of a process.... i'll do my best to describe what i do. i'll also have some more points about what drives my own personal writing style, things that i don't necessarily think other people Should do, but serve as the backbone of how i write. under the read more!!! (why is this so long)

it's only in recent years that i've begun writing with any kind of consistency, so i'm kind of figuring out my process Right Now haha. the process varies depending on the length of the fic and the complexity of the idea. but here are the main points:

1. brainstorming: usually i open a google doc and feverishly jot down an idea when i have it. sometimes it's just a few lines. for bigger ideas, i'll outline the whole fic, which is mostly bulletpoints that vary in detail from "they go to this place and talk about their feelings" to full blown detailed written scenes that i can copy/paste wholesale into the fic draft lol. my ideas often spawn from a line of dialogue, an emotion, vague imagery. this is why none of my fics are plot heavy, i am simply incapable

2. drafting the fic: aka The Writing aka the longest and hardest part lol. sometimes it goes so smoothly the words come out of me like a waterfall. other times it's like juicing a rock. i usually write strictly in chronological order, otherwise i never finish. i'm terrible at going back to do the things i skipped because they were hard. in some places i will leave [brackets] to return to certain moments, like if i need to look up a word or figure out the blocking for a fight scene. it's important to maintain the writing flow if i'm in it, so those particular moments i might skip and come back. otherwise i am but a sculptor hacking away at the marble, hoping to find the story underneath

3. editing: tbh i rigorously self-edit as i write which... might be a bad thing but i can't help it. this is editing as in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure. i fuck around with sentence structure so much—flow is really important to me. just, how the words and sentences sound. i know that sounds like, obvious, but i just want the cadence of every paragraph to sound good. varying up sentence lengths, making sure words sound good together, etc. sometimes at this point i will also feel "hmm need more relationship building here" and add more scenes/dialogue

4. send it out for beta: aka the part where i hide under a rock and try not to delete everything i wrote out of fear. it's never as bad as i expect but i'm like this every time. more editing happens, because of course.

5. post the fic: the best part! except then i have to think of a title and summary! fuck!!!!! it's extremely rare that i have these prepared ahead of time. screw me. my titles come from all over the dang place, poetry, songs, etc. i'm trying to write more original titles, and when i do i usually keep them concise, like 1-3 words

so that's like. literally my process which is probably not at all interesting and maybe not what you were hoping to learn about, so some more things that are like, particular to How i write or at least what i think about when i'm writing:

less is more, when it comes to like 99% of things. if i can describe something in 1 word instead of 5 i will do it (unless it is more in-character to be more verbose)

i always write in very close 3rd person POV, so i'm always thinking really hard about how this character is thinking, what they can physically see/hear/feel etc (for example, a character is never thinking about the color of their own eyes. so i wouldn't say like 'cyno blinked his red eyes' if it's in cyno's POV. idk these are the things i think about. it just feels more immersive this way)

make the dialogue feel as natural as possible, while still maintaining control over it as like, a piece of fiction. i often read dialogue again while skipping the narration between lines, just to make sure it still flows naturally. obviously it's not gonna sound 1 to 1 like real life conversation, but at the very least i want readers to feel like they can hear the character's voices

convey emotions through tone, dialogue, and physical cues rather than trying to say it plainly in the narration (i don't do this 100% of the time, but it's a general rule of thumb)

describe the imagery that really matters—what's setting the scene and giving the desired mood? focus on those details instead of cramming the prose with as much description as possible

sometimes you don't need a metaphor. you can just describe the thing itself, and that hits just as hard

what does each character want in a given scene? what's motivating them? does it feel right to give them that thing now, or later?

that is probably too many commas, use a period for god's sake

again, these are just things that motivate my own writing, they're not necessarily things that i think everyone should take to heart. but if it is interesting/helpful for you, then by all means! run away with them! use them, change them, do with them as you see fit. the important thing is the writing. i believe in you! you can do it!!!

this...... is so long what da hell. my bad. i don't even know how this happened. but as you can see i do love talking about writing even though i feel like an imposter all the time. if you have any other questions i am happy to answer them!!! thank you!!!

[tarysande]

i saw a post that you reblogged with a comment wherein you referenced working as an editor. i'm a college student looking to go into fiction editing, and i was wondering if you had any tips or suggestions?

I've written a few different posts about this in my "on editing" tag, but most of them are a bit old.

My path to editing wasn't a straight line. I have a BFA in theatre, film, and creative writing, and I took a lot of English courses. I've always been a voracious reader. I've been a writer since before I can remember. I basically started editing when friends came to me and said, "You're good at words. Can you help me with my words?"

I was also lucky enough to fall in with a group of excellent writers/betas/critiquers/editors when I was fandom baby back in ye olde X-Files days. I learned SO much from them. And most of what I learned, I learned either from being critiqued or from critiquing others. I cannot stress how much being an active member of fandom has helped me become the editor I am today.

Suggestions:

Get editing-specific training. You don't know what you don't know--and there's a surprising amount of stuff people don't know, even if they've studied English or writing. There are quite a few certificate programs out there now, but you don't need one of them to get work. You do need to prove that you know what you're doing, though. Usually by being able to pass editing tests or by providing excellent sample edits.

Read, read, read, READ. If you know you want to work with specific genres, read as much from within that genre as you can. Read books on craft, too, whether they're intended for writers or editors.

Find your people. There are some great Facebook groups for editors. There are also major editing associations where you can meet people, network, find possible job leads, etc. I, for example, am a member of Editors Canada and a Professional Member of the CIEP (UK). ACES and the EFA are a couple of major American associations. Australia's is the IPEd. You don't have to be from those countries to join their associations--but you'll probably find that the local ones have the most relevant content.

You DO need to find ways to hone your skills. If you don't want to do a whole editing certificate, you'll want to find courses or professional development related to the work you want to do.

Fiction editing (all editing, really) breaks down into different types of editing. You might like doing all aspects of this. You might find you only like SOME aspects of this. Generally, those types of editing are:

Developmental (sometimes called structural or substantive) editing: This is big picture editing. Are there plot holes? Do the character arcs make sense? Do scenes have a purpose? (Personally, this is my favorite type of editing. I just love getting into the guts of a story.) I do full developmental edits, but I also offer manuscript critiques (developmental editing lite; usually cheaper, but still very helpful for getting to the bottom of big picture issues).

Line/stylistic editing: This type of editing is often about the style and language at the sentence and paragraph level. It tends to be quite meaty. A line editor will offer suggestions for reducing redundancy or repetition, clarifying meaning, polishing dialogue, etc.

Copy editing: Sometimes copy editing and line editing get rolled up together, but if someone hires you JUST to copy edit, it means you're looking at the mechanical issues with grammar, punctuation, etc.

Proofreading: Literally reading the proofs before they go to print. The proofreader's eyes are the last ones on the document. These are the folks looking for the misplaced comma or the wrong page number. Have a crazy eye for detail? This may be your jam.

The various Englishes of the world have major differences. If you want to edit US, UK, Canadian, or other assorted varietals of the language, you have to know those differences--and they're more than just spelling and punctuation.

There's no one style guide for fiction. Publishers often have their own. That said, most of THOSE are based either on the Chicago Manual of Style (US/Canada) or the New Oxford Style Manual/New Hart's Rules (UK).

You also have to figure out if you want to pursue an in-house position or work freelance. Real talk: publishers outsource a ton of copy editing and proofreading to freelancers; some publishers even outsource the other styles of editing. Often, acquisitions editors at publishing houses (the editors who champion a work and try to get their publisher to buy it) do some of the developmental and line editing work.

I don't work in-house, so I can't give you a ton of info on how to break into the side of things. As I understand it, you usually have to be located in one of the big publishing centers (New York, London, Toronto, etc.). And you usually work your way in from the bottom up.

I've done all kinds of editing over the years. Nowadays, I mostly work in fiction, and I mostly work with independent authors or authors who are trying to polish their work before sending it out to agents. While it's true that a publishing house will edit your book (and foot the bill for it), the market is hard right now--especially for first-time authors. Publishers are less willing to take big risks or pour a lot of money into books if they're uncertain of a return on that investment. So, even if you're hoping to go the route of traditional publishing, it's in your best interests to get that first manuscript in the best shape before sending it out.

...this is already getting long! One of these days, I'm going to offer some training of my own, I think. Hopefully!

[the-trans-folk-witch]

An untimely intro: Numb and hollow

Howdy folks!👋

This “blog” or cringey tumblr page is a battle cry at best- maybe a cry for help at worst. A plague of words ensues…

Grammar, punctuation and clever wording misses me despite being educated on writing formal statements/grants at a postgraduate level 🤡. Enjoy the occasional plot twist, gobsmack, misplaced comma, and tone-deaf emoji use. This “blog” is a mix of occult texts, free books, zines, and works made by me and others. It is a crossroads of formalities and comedic slander. And the occasional look into my thoughts.

I’m sure anyone reading this already knows me from Instagram and my now late podcast of the same name as this blog. So I won’t waste your time reintroducing myself and my goals. You know my brand, and roughly, my views despite how they may have changed since we last spoke. My goal here is to write more and slowly ease into the release of my first book and my second zine. I want to relive my edgy tumblr days with a more anarchistic approach than before. I invite you to join me. maybe this will help me learn how to avoid run-on sentences… or what fonts the public will judge me for using. (Comic sans girlies rise up). Perhaps I’ll learn to use parentheses and dashes correctly for once. Time will tell.

Now that I’ve fed you an over-cooked appetizer, let’s move on to the meat of the discussion. This is an update on my writings of the Guardian Angel and the other texts I have been forming. It has been a year in the making and hopefully I will be done with it this summer. It will not be long. It is a free book styled to appear as a cheesy church pamphlet. It is UPG laced with the some dogma from the Catholic church and the occasional hint of Protestant revivalist churches from the hills. I plan to reinvigorate the use or relation to the Holy Guardian Angel (HGA) in a roundabout way that incapsulates my own practice while leaving room for yours. I want it to be used as a guide, But not as a Bible. Hopefully it will come across as well as I intend for it to. It has been harder than I imagined.

Now for the long term plans for this blog. As of now, my podcast is on hold. So consider this it’s child despite the difference between my written voice and my informal speaking voice. The podcast is canned. Possibly forever. I may come back to it. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe years from now. I’m sure you all caught onto that. I have removed most every episode. The only ones available are ones that I had friends guest star in. Thank you to all of you who helped me become who I am today in this community. Even though as of now my following is only 500-600 people, it’s bigger than I’ve ever been anywhere before. I’m rather private. In fact that’s why I’ve removed most of my podcast. As many have been told, I have been receiving a lot of hateful messages from terfs and neo-pagans. Topics such as transphobia and anti-folk-catholic shit has taken over my inbox on many platforms. However, this is not the only reason I’m stepping back from my podcast. I recently graduated from school and I am working on my career. I have decided to make myself less accessible to the public for my mental health but also to focus on privatizing my practice. I want to revolutionize my followers and to have proper discussions surrounding witchcraft that make people uncomfortable. I want an interaction that my podcast could not allow. I want to write in lengths and words that Instagram does not allow. I feel as though I’ve lost my voice since my early college days when I wrote daily. I hope to strengthen my bonds with those I’ve met online while closing myself off to those who I do not trust. Making a public blog is not the way to go about that I’m aware. But who uses tumblr? 😂. This is a starting place. I may one day put a price tag on my writing. Definitely for my other books and zines I have been working on this past year. But until then, enjoy my ramblings.

Dialogue is always welcome. Oh, and don’t make a fumblr account just for me. My blog is accessible on a browser without a log in. I’m not chasing likes. I’m just typing into the void.

The trans folk witch, out ✌️ 💋.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Hello!! I’m new to ao3, and for the past couple days I’ve been reading your rtc fics excessively. And they inspired me to start writing fanfics of my own. But I’ve never written a fanfic before. And I was wondering if you had any tips for new fanfic writers? Thank you!! :)

hey!!

yeah, i’ve got some tips!

Stick to one tense! Past tense (said, looked, walked) or present tense (says, looks, walks)! I didn’t learn how to stick to one tense until, like, junior year, and I’ve been writing since fifth grade.

However, if you’re writing present tense, you can switch to past tense to show that you’re talking about stuff in the past.

Avoid first-person POV. If you’ve ever seen those TikTok videos that are people’s “fanfic turn offs” A LOT of them will mention first-person. First-person is more for books, and it’s also very limiting. Plus, it’s just not that fun to read all the time. Some people won’t read a fic At All if it’s first-person.

In similar vein, avoid second-person. Second-person is for reader-insert fics. Not for regular fics.

This is a pretty big thing if you don’t understand how AO3 works: / is romantic relationships. & is for platonic relationships.

Use quotation marks! Some fics will use everything EXCEPT quotation marks for dialogue, and it’s annoying to look at.

Don’t write like you’re writing a script. Don’t use “Ocean: (dialogue here).”

Use proper grammar, punctuation, capitalization, and spelling!

Space out your paragraphs!

If someone new is speaking, go to the next paragraph. PLEASE do not stick it into the pre-existing paragraph.

Don’t overuse epithets! It’s okay to use a character’s name several times!

Don’t put timeskips that are like “(ONE WEEK LATER).” Don’t do that. It looks silly. Find a way to insert it into the writing itself. Like, “A week later, she went to the store.” Something like that!

Try to stick to one character POV. You can absolutely switch to a different one, but end the scene first. Don’t randomly go to someone else in the middle of something.

Download Grammarly if you haven’t already! It’s a great tool!

If you’re gonna write RtC fics, PLEASE spell Mischa’s name right in the character tag. Someone spelled it as “Misha,” and now it’s just Like That. Please spell it right, I am BEGGING.

[daysiwrld]

2 :: change of heart

hiii, okay so it's been a minute, but i am a college student, so it's only natural for me to have inconsistent updates lol. hope you all enjoy this chapter, i'll try to make it very long to make up for updating so late.  

check the author's note at the end! very important & exciting info (:

please vote!

title inspired by a change of heart by the1975, it's on my playlist, check it out! 

[ hi me again, i just finished revisions & i'm about to post this, i just wanted to say that i had to revise this chapter in parts because it's so long so ignore if i missed some typos, punctuation, or grammar mistakes!] 

-

2 weeks have passed since the hang out at jean's place. since then you became a lot closer with everyone, especially mikasa and armin. it was only a short period of time, but the three of you clicked really fast. you guys were in a group chat together and would text or facetime nearly every day. you would also text the others, but it was nowhere near as much as you texted armin and mikasa. apart from that you spent your days working and hanging out with connie, sasha, and jean. nothing much happened since then.  

"hey y/n, you don't have work tomorrow right?" sasha questions as she sits on the floor of your bedroom, eyes focused on her computer. "nope, i'm off for the next two days, why?" you ask sitting up on your bed. you got off work an hour ago and now you were hanging out in your bedroom, relaxing, and reading a book. sasha, on the other hand, was doing schoolwork. she decided to take summer courses due to dropping two classes during her first year. if she wanted to graduate on time she had to take the courses as soon as possible.  

"mikasa is going to help me with some math work i'm struggling on, so we planned a sleepover at my place tonight. niccolo had to go back to marley due to his grandfather being hospitalized, and i really didn't want to be alone. mikasa actually mentioned the idea of inviting you last night over facetime." sasha states, looking up from her computer.  

"are you down?"  

you tap your chin with your pointer finger looking elsewhere with an exaggerated look of contemplation. "hmm i don't know...i'll have to think about it."  

"bitch cmon, you know you want to." sasha exclaims rolling her eyes at your childishness.  

"well duh i want to, i'd love to have a sleepover with you and mikasa, it would be fun." you tell sasha, getting up from your bed and sitting near her on the floor.  

"is niccolo's grandfather alright though? why was he hospitalized?" you question sasha, grabbing the bag of chocolate-covered almonds from beside her.  

"oh yeah, he's alright thankfully. you know how his grandfather runs that fancy and popular restaurant? well they get busy in the summer, and the stress of it all put a strain on his heart. he was having horrible chest pains and was rushed to the hospital thinking it could potentially be or turn into a heart attack. it didn't, thank god, but the doctor said if he would've waited a little more it would've happened. he's recovering right now, but he can't run the restaurant from the hospital, so niccolo is going to marley in his place." sasha explains, grabbing some almonds from the bag and popping a few in her mouth.  

"oh man that's a lot, i hope he gets well soon, and i also hope niccolo manages well. that restaurant is extremely popular, i hope he doesn't get too stressed himself," you reply, putting some almonds in your mouth.  "nah, niccolo will be fine, he's worked there before helping his grandfather, so he has experience, and he also works well under pressure. he enjoys being there when he can, they have some of the top chefs in the whole state, and nicollo loves observing them, learning what he can." sasha states, focusing back on her computer. 

"but it does suck to know he's not near, and i don't know exactly when he's going to be back." 

sasha's face looked like that of a sad puppy when its owners leave, you felt bad for her. you know she loves niccolo so much and probably gets separation anxiety because of it.  

"hey don't be too sad, he'll be back soon, and plus you have me to keep you company, along with the others. you'll be okay. plus i've been told that time apart from your significant other isn't such a bad thing, it can strengthen a relationship. so cheer up, okay?" you tell sasha, in hopes of making her feel better.  

"thank you y/n, i appreciate it a lot. it's just weird to not have him near like i normally do, but i'll be okay." sasha replies, giving you a genuine smile.  

you nod your head in acknowledgment and a peaceful silence falls upon you both. sasha returns to her schoolwork on the computer, and you begin to wander off in your deep thoughts as you snack on almonds. one thing that has been bothering you since the hangout was eren. it wasn't until the day after that the situation really hit you. eren is basically the leader of their friend group, and you got on his bad side. immediately in fact. 

as it stands, you highly dislike eren, and the feeling is nothing, but growing. when you've been on facetime with mikasa or armin and eren's around, he would do the absolute most. when you were talking, he would immediately interrupt you by telling armin or mikasa random things, he would often grab their phones randomly and hang up, and he would make the most exaggerated sighs of annoyance when you would talk. as much as you wanted nothing to do with him, you knew that wasn't possible if you wanted to be in the friend group. you came to realize that if anything it would make things really awkward for everyone if you kept this beef up between the two of you. honestly, you were afraid that eventually, people were going to start picking sides and the group would start to fall apart. that's the last thing you wanted, you didn't want the friend group to crumble because of something so stupid, and you also didn't want to lose the friendships you've started to cultivate. especially your friendships with mikasa and armin.  

"hey, sasha, when you're done with your work do you think you can help me out? i need some advice on something."  

"i'm almost done, just converting this word document into a pdf so i can email it to my professor, you can start telling me what you need help on," sasha replies, not even batting you an eye, focused on sending her email.  

"well, i know you saw what went down between me and eren two weeks ago at the hangout. i've been thinking it over and while i don't really like eren, i know it's not beneficial for anyone if i keep beefing with him. i think maybe i should talk to him? to you know, get on good terms with him, or at least neutral terms. i've been getting closer to mikasa and armin these past two weeks and i really like them, but i know eren is their best friend since childhood. he's already insufferable enough when i'm on facetime with either of them and he happens to be with them, god knows how bad it's going to be in the future when i see him in person. i just don't want anyone to be put in an uncomfortable spot because i don't get along with him, or worse the friend group falls apart because of it. i just-i don't know." you rant to sasha.  

you truly are at your wit's end when it came to eren. you don't want to talk to him or see him, but you want to be friends with everyone else.  

"y/n, calm down, you're overthinking. look, the thing about eren is, he's a hothead, and we all painfully know it. we all love him, but sometimes we know he can be a lot. no one in the friend group would drop you or let the friend group fall apart without good reason, and to assure you, eren is no good reason," sasha chuckles, shutting her laptop. 

"but i see your point with the not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, i think everyone would be fine. the only ones that could potentially be put in a tight situation are mikasa and armin, as you said. i think trying to talk to eren and getting on decent terms is a good idea, i'd do it if i were you. plus, it'd be like a slap in the face to eren, he'd see that you're trying to be the bigger person, and realize how dumb and childish he's acting." sasha states setting her computer aside, reaching over a bit to grab some almonds.  

"we can also ask mikasa what she thinks at the sleepover tonight. out of everyone, she along with armin are probably the main ones that want you and eren to get along. plus she knows him extremely well, she can help you and maybe give you advice on what to exactly do." sasha mentions, putting her arms up to stretch.  

"yeah you're right sasha, i'm just making myself stressed with all this. thank you and yeah, i'll ask mikasa about it and how i should go about it if she agrees," you reply, nervousness clear in your voice. 

you hear your phone ping next to you, startling you a bit, snapping you out of your eren thoughts. you didn't really feel like texting anyone at the moment due to your clouded mind, but you couldn't help getting curious as your phone started continuously pinging. sasha by this time was extremely immersed in her phone, too busy to notice your phone blowing up. you immediately silence your phone and open it to see a string of messages from both mikasa and armin.  

speaking of the devil... 

group chat:  

armeen :D - GUYS!  

armeen :D - GUUUYYYYSSSSS 

armeen :D - THIS IS IMPORTANT 

mikasa <3 - what's up armeen  

armeen :D - STOP WITH THAT NICKNAME  

mikasa <3 - never :) lol

armeen :D - ugh whatever :(  

mikasa <3 - you can't just text the chat in all caps and say you have something important to share and not share it :|  

armeen :D - i'm waiting for y/n to come dummy

mikasa <3 - okay armeen  

armeen :D -  D:  

you - hey guises  

armeen :D - hi y/nnnnnnn 

mikasa <3 - bae i miss u </3  

you - mikasa my beloved <3 

you - i promise to kiss u next time i see u  

mikasa <3 - :D you better!!! 

you -  anything 4 u (;  

armeen :D - bruh i'm trying to say something important :| 

you - not u interrupting mikasa and i... 

mikasa <3 - fr...  

armeen :D - bruh...  

you - lol i'm sorry armeennnnn, what's up fr 

armeen :D - okay so i just got home from hanging out with jean right 

mikasa <3 - mhm  

you - listening 

armeen :D - so basically jean's mom has this MASSIVE beach house that she rents out as an airbnb and jean was thinking of getting everyone to stay there next week for the entire week from sunday to sunday! he's hoping that everyone can call off work in time, if not he can delay it. hitch would also be joining us! 

mikasa <3 - that would be so fun tbh, i hope everyone can call off 

you - no fr like i'll contact my manager rn 

armeen :D - i think he's going to contact everyone individually to see if they can call off bc he said that he doesn't want to announce it in the gc and then it turns out half can't go. cause then he would have to delay it and he doesn't want to get people excited just for it to be pushed back yk 

you - makes sense, makes sense 

mikasa <3 - ^^^  

you - well i'll see if i can get off even though jean hasn't said anything  

armeen :D - yeah that would be good, the sooner the better. also! pls don't mention this to anyone wait til he tells them  

you - okayyy, i'll text one of my managers at some point today, i'll ttyl!! <3  

mikasa <3 - bye bye <3  

armeen :D - byeeeee :)) 

-

locking your phone you sigh and slowly get up from the ground. you make your way back to your bed plopping back onto it. "what time should i head to your apartment tonight?"  

"hmm, mikasa is getting there at 7:00, so same time or earlier if you'd like i'll be there the rest of today." sasha responds as she begins to pack her computer into her bag.  

"but i think i'll be heading out, it's 4 right now, i kinda wanna take a nap before you both arrive, so i'll see you later bae, i'll text you when i wake up if you wanna come by earlier." sasha states, giving you a quick kiss on the cheek.  

you tell her goodbye and watch her leave the room, leaving you alone with nothing, but your thoughts. this eren situation is stressing you out completely.  

"i should pack a bag and then shower." you tell no one in particular.

you rummage through your drawers and closet, looking for undergarments, sleepwear, and an outfit for the next day. folding everything nice and neatly, you put everything in your overnight bag and set it aside. 

now a shower, and if i don't take long, a nap. maybe. 

grabbing your towel you walk to your bathroom. you couldn't help thinking about the situation with eren. you started to realize that you're probably going to see him again soon, armin just told you about jean's plan for a beach trip that's going to last a week. the chance of eren not being invited or not going is very slim since it's being planned by one of his best friends. the thought of having to stay under the same roof as him is dreadful, not only because you highly dislike him, but also because there'd be a huge chance of you both fighting. it would ruin the trip for everyone. 

the trip isn't for certain yet so there's no use getting ahead of yourself y/n.

sighing you turn on the water for your shower and start stripping your clothes off as you wait for the water to heat up. you adjust the temperature a bit and jump in quickly, hoping a warm shower can clear your thoughts. it doesn't.

even though it's true that the trip might not happen next week, it's going to happen at some point. it's inevitable, and the anxiety is eating you up.

grabbing your washrag with some soap you start scrubbing your body down aggressively. you are upset at how much you're letting this bother you, no boy has ever made you think this much, and he's not even your crush, he's the complete opposite. 

you continue showering determined to not let eren bother you anymore, you won't think about him until you have to. you wash up thoroughly, making sure to get the grime of the day off your body, the same with your hair. after finishing you wrap your hair and body in towels and make your way to your room to get dressed. you put on the sleepwear you are gonna use for the night and do your tedious hair routine that takes way too long for your liking. after finishing, you check your phone and notice it's already 5:45.

guess that nap isn't possible.

taking another look at your phone and you notice a message you got 30 minutes ago. unlocking your phone you see the message is from jean, asking if you could possibly, ask off work for the next week.

shit, i forgot to text my manager...

quickly you open up the chat you have with one of your managers and ask of you could take off work next week. a few seconds pass and you get a message again. 

chat:

alicia: Actually you're just in luck. Bryan was asking if he could pick up hours next week. He's a workaholic so I doubt he wouldn't want your shifts i'll let him know. 

you: actually, could you hold off just a bit? i need to confirm that it's next week i need off, it'd suck if you tell bryan and my plans fall through. i would miss work for no reason. sorry for doing this last minute, i got invited to this beach trip, but it's not completely confirmed yet. 

alicia: Nah you're good, let me know before 10 though he's closing tonight, so if you confirm i'll tell him and see what's up. 

you: okay cool, thank you. i'll lyk asap. 

after sending that last message to your manager you quickly slide out of the chat and open up jean's.

chat: 

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: hey y/n, i know this is last minute, but do you think you can call off work next week for a beach trip? it'd be with all our friends + this other friend named hitch that you didn't get to meet. she's really chill, you'd get along well with her. it'd be from sunday to sunday, we'd leave early morning and come back late afternoon. it's at my mom's beach house, it's pretty big, but it would be two to a room. let me know asap!

you: hey, i saw your message and immediately texted one of my managers, they said yeah because one of my co-workers has been wanting more hours, but i do have to let them know asap so they can confirm with my co-worker. 

you lock your phone and wait anxiously for a reply from jean, a few minutes go by and your phone pings signifying a message. 

chat: 

jean el spaniard [derogatory]:  yeah we're going, everyone managed to call off, i was actually waiting for your confirmation, we're going to meet at my apartment on sunday at 3am, i know that's early, but it's because i know some are going to be late so i made the time earlier than it should be since i want to leave by 4:30-5. getting there early will be good so we can enjoy most of the day and get the full week's worth. since you live down the hall you should be good so sleep in a little if you'd like, i'll come by if you don't wake up on time by any chance (: 

you: OMG!!! i'm so excited, i probably won't be able to sleep saturday night out of excitement so i doubt i'll be late, if anything that would be connie lol. thank you for the invite jean, i appreciate it since i'm still relatively new to your other friend group (:

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: everyone loves you, honestly, they'd be mad if i didn't invite you lol

you: oh, so you're inviting me cause everyone else loves me...not because you love me. damn. i see how it is. on second thought, i don't think i'll be going...):

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: BRUH SHUT UP, you know i love you, more than anyone in fact so shut up. 

you: omg are you confessing your love for me??!!!?!? aw jeannnnnnn  <3

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: ...

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: SHUT UP. ARE YOU COMING OR NOT????

you: duh i'm going, i'm just messing with you jean boy <3 

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: yeah yeah whatever, i'll ttyl, love you. 

you felt your heart skip a beat seeing jean's goodbye message. in person it's always been natural for you and jean to say "love you" when saying goodbye, you do that with connie and sasha as well, but neither of you ever said it over text. you couldn't help, but think it has a deeper meaning since you were just teasing jean about "confessing his love". 

you clear your mind of the thought. although you like jean and you know he likes you, he's never acted on it. if he wanted to he would, you know that, so there's no point in fantasizing. 

sighing, you send a quick bye message to jean, slide out of the chat, and open up the one between you and your manager. you tell them that the trip has been confirmed and that you will need off next week from sunday to sunday. it wasn't long before they messaged back saying that bryan and another co-worker took your shifts and that you were in the clear. you sent a quick "thank you" message and looked at the time again, it was a little over 6. 

connie gets off really late today, he'll be hungry. maybe i should make something for him before i leave. 

you make your way to the kitchen and immediately started pulling out ingredients to make food for connie. you went with some arroz y carne molida, it's simple, but connie loves it. after you finish, you grab a sticky note and write a note to connie telling him that you are having a sleepover at sasha's. you remind him to add a little water to the rice when he re-heats it on the stove so it doesn't stick to the pan and to not heat up the carne too long because it'll overcook like he's done in the past. you end the note with a love you and stick it to the table beside the door where you both put your keys–that way he sees it immediately. checking the time you notice it was 6:50, you quickly grab your bag from your room, making sure you have everything you need. you turn off all the lights, walk out, lock the door, and quickly start making your way down the hall to sasha's apartment.

making it to sasha's front door you go to ring the doorbell, but before you could sasha opens the door and bear hugs you. 

"FINALLY! YOU'RE HERE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" sasha yells into your ear as she is still hugging you. 

"sasha, the neighbors are going to complain if you yell, you just hurt my ear by yelling, and you literally say me like 3 hours ago." you deadpan. 

"how did you even know i was at your front door just now?" you question, walking inside the apartment, taking off your shoes at the entrance. 

"i could hear your steps, i have great ears, i think it's from hunting with my family out in the countryside growing up." sasha explains with a thoughtful expression as she recalls her childhood memories. 

"y/nnnnnnnn," mikasa whines coming up to you from behind, hugging your waist. 

"i missed you, why didn't you come earlier?" she mutters hugging you tighter. 

"ah, i was texting my manager to confirm i could call off next week for the trip and i was also making food for connie, he gets home real late tonight so i know he'll be tired and hungry." you explain leaving mikasa's embrace to put your bag down and plop down  onto the couch. 

"that's sweet of you, did you eat tho? we were planning to order some uber eats once you got here." mikasa sits next to you on the couch. 

"nah i imagined we'd do something like that so i didn't," you reply laying your head on mikasa's shoulder. 

"sasha pass me my phone from the table."

"mikasa the table is in front of you, just lean over and grab it." 

"but y/n is laying her head on my shoulder i can't move, she must rest, she just cooked a meal for connie!" 

"whatever, i get it, you're in love with y/n." sasha deadpans grabbing mikasa's phone and handing it to her. 

"thanks, sasha i love youuu," mikasa replies in a sing-song tone, unlocking her phone and opening the uber eats app. 

"so what should we order? it's 7 and i'm pretty sure they stop delivering soon actually," mikasa tells both you and sasha. "why don't we just go out and get it through drive-thru? we can decide what we want to get here and then go. most fast food places close earliest at 10pm, plus uber can sometimes take too long." you propose to the two girls. "yeah that's actually a better idea, uber eats is too expensive anyways, i'm also up for a drive, you good with this sahsa?" mikasa asks, looking at the pretty brunette. "yeah no i'm good, you both are right, plus a drive sounds nice." sasha replies walking into her room. 

"it's kinda chilly at night do either of you need a hoodie?" sasha loudly questions from the hallway. 

you and mikasa both reply with a "yes" at the same time making you both turn slowly towards each other and fall into a fit of giggles.

"what are you both laughing about? tell me i wanna know!!" sasha exclaims with a pout as she comes back with some hoodies.

"y/n and i said yes at the same time when you asked if we needed hoodies, we turned towards each other slowly and it was just funny the way we did." mikasa explains a soft smile adorning her face. 

"ah i thought y'all were making jokes or something and leaving me out." sasha replies handing both you and mikasa a hoodie. "y'all ready to go tho?" sasha asks turning around towards the door. you mikasa once again say "yes" at the same time, this time it caused sasha to turn around slowly making all three of you burst out into giggles. 

after the laughter died down, the three of you put your hoodies and shoes on, leaving the apartment to grab some food.

the three of you were out for two hours, you got your food, went to a nearby lake to eat it, and then drove around as the three of you talked and laughed about anything. 

"we should definitely do night-time drives again, that was so fun." sasha exclaims as she unlocks her apartment for the three of you to walk in. after taking off your shoes the three of you make your way to the living room. "so now what?" mikasa questions in a bored tone. "well, we haven't had dessert, i got some cookie dough ice cream, along with vanilla and chocolate, i have toppings as well, we can make sundaes and then watch some movies on hulu or whatever." sasha suggests, starting to get excited. "i'm down with that, plus ice cream hits after you eat mcdonalds." you state getting up from your spot, stretching a little. "you're right, i'm down as well," mikasa states getting up as well.

"wait sasha didn't you have math homework to do?" you question. "yeah, but mikasa is just going to send me her notes since she's already taken this class." sasha answers as you all walk to the kitchen. once there, the three of you immediately start making your concoctions of ice cream and toppings.

 "oh while we're doing this, we should tell mikasa about what we talked about earlier." sasha states, reminding you about the eren situation. honestly, you were having so much fun that you momentarily forgot about it. and while you're a bit upset that you got reminded, it needs to be talked about. 

"long story short, I've been anxious about the fact that eren and i don't get along. i've started to get close to all of you, especially you mikasa, and armin. i'm scared that my problem with eren will break my friendships with you both because i know he's your childhood best friend. not just you though, with everyone else as well. what if eren and i start getting worse and people start choosing sides? i don't want to be the reason for that. i want to be on at least neutral terms with eren or good terms if possible. i'm not going to necessarily be all buddy with him, cause frankly i don't think i'll ever like him, but just for the sake of the group. basically, i don't want him as a friend nor as an enemy. i'm thinking about sitting down with him and just talking it out. i'll apologize and ask to be on neutral terms. what do you think? is it a good idea?" you rant looking back and forth between sasha and mikasa, an extremely anxious expression plastered on your face.

'okay, one, that was not a "long story short", two, you're such an overthinker, and three, i think it's a great idea." mikasa replies. 

"honestly, i don't blame you for the way you feel about eren, he shouldn't have been rude to you off the bat, i still don't understand why he acted like that...but that's not the point. you doing this and being the bigger person could possibly make eren snap out of his childish thoughts, i think you should go through with it. you have all next week to do so as well since we're going to be at the beach house, go for it, and don't think too hard about it. i'm sure eren wouldn't want to destroy his friend group for some childish beef he started." mikasa states as she adds a cherry on top of her ice cream. 

"i agree completely, i think it's the best way you could go about it." sasha assures as she goes to grab some spoons. "but i also have a question. mikasa, has eren mentioned anything as to why he acted the way he did towards y/n?" sasha asks as she hands both of you a spoon. "i mean he's your best friend right? you have to know something." sasha finishes, eating a spoonful of ice cream after. 

"that's the thing, he doesn't tell me nor armin why, he ignores us every time we ask, brushes us off, or gets angry and leaves. i don't have a clue as to why he's hostile towards y/n...but i do have a theory. well, armin does." mikasa exclaims. "what's the theory?" sasha asks curiously. you nod your head in agreement and look at mikasa. 

"while armin did come up with this theory i think it's highly possible, but basically we think he feels jealous of y/n." mikasa expresses. 

"pardon?" sasha utters, shocked by the theory.

"girl what the fuck are you talking about?" you question confused. 

"hear me out, out of everyone, armin and i are the closest to eren since we grew up together. he's practically like our brother. because of that, armin and i have picked up on how he feels about a topic by changes in body language and expression. it's subtle though so no one notices but armin and i. in the past, before we met y/n, eren never spoke negatively about her, he never spoke about her at all, but when jean, sasha, or connie would bring you up in high school, we noticed he would shift his body and his facial expressions would harden up, he'd look serious and irritated. of course, it wasn't really evident to others, but it was to armin and i. we didn't pay attention to it at the time since we didn't know y/n at all, but now that we see how he's acting towards her it explains why he would react that way back then." mikasa elaborates. 

"so you're saying he's jealous of me?" 

"precisely."

"but why?"

"that's what we're not too sure about, you and eren are different though so maybe he sees a quality in you that he lacks?" mikasa suggests in an unsure tone. 

"but that wouldn't make sense. at the hangout, eren was holed up in jean's room he didn't speak to y/n once until i took her to meet him. he immediately acted that way not knowing a thing about her character," sasha replies.

"that's not true, you, jean, and connie have always gushed about y/n ever since we became friends with y'all. you always talked about how pretty and nice she was, the jokes she made, how we would love her if we ever meet her, and many other things." mikasa responds.

"just cause he hadn't met her, didn't mean he didn't know anything about her. but again, you guys only spoke highly of y/n, when any of the three of you mentioned her, the admiration and love you had for her was clear on your faces. maybe eren saw that and felt jealous of how you all spoke about her is what i mean." mikasa explains looking back and forth between you and a

sasha. 

"i see what you're saying, it makes sense honestly. he was always a problem child since he's hotheaded with a short temper. maybe he wanted his friends to speak of him like that as well and since we don't he's directed his resentment towards y/n..." sasha responds with a dejected face. 

"i never heard anyone speak highly of eren, i mean, you and armin did, but it wasn't as much compared to how jean, connie and i did when it came to y/n."

"armin and i feel the same, but worse because we're his best friends. we love eren a lot, he has a big heart and loves his close ones dearly, he'd do anything for them. but...we also know he has many faults that make anyone who doesn't know him dislike him, i hate to say this, but it's hard to boast about him because he either purposefully comes off as intimidating or is straight-up rude." mikasa admits showing a regretful expression. 

"well, now i actually feel for the guy...but i still dislike him." you state trying to lighten the mood. both sasha and mikasa giggle at your statement. "well we don't expect you to like him, this only possibly explains his behavior towards you, it doesn't excuse it." mikasa sighs still looking down. you turn to look at sasha and notice her face cast downwards as she swirls her ice cream with a spoon still looking dejected. you know it's bad when sasha has food in front of her and isn't excited to eat it. 

"look, the past can't be changed, there's no use acting like kids who got their candy taken away, just do what you can in the future to let eren know you appreciate him," you comment wanting to get rid of the depressing atmosphere.

the two girls look up at you and then to each other.

"you're right y/n, thank you," mikasa speaks softly giving you a small smile. 

"yeah, what mikasa said," sasha agrees flashing a smile of her own. 

"well back to the topic at hand, since mikasa agrees that i should talk it out with eren, i need help on how to go about it, do you think you and armin can help me?" you ask mikasa. "for sure, i wasn't planning on not help you, like i said eren is a difficult guy, you're gonna need the help." mikasa laughs. you giggle nodding your head. "i'll text armin and ask him when he's available so we can meet up and talk about it." mikasa continues. you nod your head again and look down to your ice cream. "half my ice cream is melted." you sigh following it with a chuckle. 

"oh you're right."

"damn, i didn't even notice since that convo was serious as fuck."

the room became silent for a few seconds and you all shared a glance. the three of you suddenly burst out into laughter. "okay, let's all go watch this movie and eat our remaining ice cream before it completely liquifies." you state grabbing your bowl and spoon, and making your way to the living room. the two girls follow suit and the three of you make yourselves comfortable. you sat in the love seat by the wall while mikasa and sasha share the couch. eating a spoonful of mostly melted ice cream you turn to face the two girls. "so what movie are we watching?" you eat more ice cream as you look sasha and mikasa. "hm, whatever you guys want to watch, just not a horror movie, i live alone so it'll keep me sleepless for nights." mikasa shakes her head. you nod your head in agreement, horror movies weren't your favorite. "nah, i'm not a big fan either. what about...me before you?" sasha suggests. "love the movie, but i don't feel like crying my eyes out tonight." you reply, mikasa agreeing. "okay well what about 10 things i hate about you?" sasha asks which earns vigorous nods from both you and mikasa. "that's one of my comfort movies" you state. "heath ledger is so hot let's watch it." mikasa answers. "okay, 10 things i hate about you it is." sasha opens disney+ on her tv and starts the movie. the rest of the night was filled with the three of you laughing, conversing, and eating soup-like ice cream. 

-

the three of you wake up early in the morning. the night before you all decided to go out shopping since you realized that you were missing essentials like sunscreen for the beach trip. you all also wanted to go shopping for some cute clothes. you spent the day well, you visited many stores, ate lunch together, and bought everything you all needed for the trip. you even got new bathing suits. when you got back to the apartment complex, you and sasha parted ways with mikasa, saying your goodbyes in the parking lot. 

"hey! you didn't leave anything in my apartment right?" sasha yells out to mikasa, who was distance away from you two near her car. "nah i don't think so. i put my stuff in the car this morning before we left to go shopping. if i did just text me and if it's important enough i'll come back to pick it up, if not i'll just get it from you next time i see you!" mikasa replies opening her car door to get it. you both wave one last goodbye as you watch her drive off. 

"well today was fun." sasha smiles, grabbing your hand to hold. "yeah for sure, but i'm beat, i'm gonna sleep good tonight." you yawn as the two of you make your way up to your floor. "you brought your stuff to your apartment this morning right?" sasha questions as the two of you exit the elevator and walk down the hall. "yeah i did, thank you for having me over, lets do that again sometime." you smile at sasha. sasha returns a smile and nods her head. sasha's apartment is down the hall from connie and yours, the two of you hugged and said goodbye at your door parting ways after. 

"sooo como te fue?" connie questions from the couch as you walk in. "it was extremely fun." you reply putting your shopping bags down. "i'm beat though so move." connie was sprawled out on the couch so you move his legs and plop down beside him. "what'd you buy?" connie points at the multiple shopping bags on the floor. "some essentials for the beach, sunscreen, sunglasses, a large towel for tanning, etc." you state observing the show connie had on tv. "i also bought come new clothes and two bathing suits, i also bought you two new swim trunks." you grab the bag with them in it and throw it at connie. "you only have one pair and i know we're gonna go to the beach more than once, so you're gonna need them." connie smiles at you, "wow mi hermanita cares about me soooo much." connie then proceeds to bear hug you with all his might, laughing at your attempts to get away from him. "also thank you for the food you made before leaving for sasha's, i appreciate it a lot plus, it was so fucking good, i ate a lot of it last night, and i had it for lunch today." connie says as he lets go of you. 

"you made a lot so i left enough for the both of us to have for dinner tonight." connie states focusing his attention back on the tv. "great cause i did not want to make dinner tonight." you sigh closing your eyes. "no same i had to open today so i had to be at work at 4:30 and didn't get off til 12:30, starbucks morning rush hour is no joke, and it wasn't even an hour it lasted like two." connie exclaims rubbing his eyes. "how did you manage to get the week off for the trip? i didn't think starbucks would be that easy when it comes to scheduling," you ask looking at connie. "normally yeah, but i have a co-worker who's hell-bent on making money right now and is willing to work as many shifts, asked him if he wanted mine since he works only mornings next week and i work only afternoons. the manager approved it and boom, i got the week off." he explains still watching the tv. "i see." you nod your head. you close your eyes once again letting exhaustion take over your body when you hear your phone ping. opening your eyes you grab your phone from your side and unlock it to notice a text from jean. 

chat: 

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: y/nnnnn 

you: jeannn

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: what are you doing

you: nothing much, i just got home what's up?

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: nothing really, i'm just bored and wanted to see if you wanted to ft. i would've just called, but i know you're not a fan of people just calling you without warning. 

you: ty for being considerate, and sure let me just go to my room, i'm in the living room and  connie's watching tv, too loud. i'll ft when i'm there

jean el spaniard [derogatory]: cool cool 

-

sighing you get up and start gathering your bags to take to your room. while you did want to take a nap, you also know that it would make it harder to sleep later tonight, it was 6:00 pm, you could wait a few more hours. jean will keep you awake while you wait. 

hmm, i should shower tho, just to wash off my body. 

you send a text to jean asking if he could wait a little longer since you wanted to take a quick shower. jean responds just telling you to call him after. 

after setting your bags down in your room, you put your hair up and grab towel, making yourself to the bathroom. you turn on the water, quickly get in and start washing up. although you and jean have been friends for a while, you guys didn't facetime as much as you did with sasha, it was a bit rare. it's exciting, to say the least. you wash your body thoroughly with soap making sure that you are completely clean, after finishing you get out of the shower and start drying yourself off. you put on some sleepwear which consisted of a giant t-shirt and shorts. after applying deodorant and light skincare you check yourself in the mirror making sure you look good enough to facetime jean. checking the time you notice it's 6:35.

i hope he hasn't changed his mind about wanting to facetime...

you turn off your bedroom lights and turn on your led lights before grabbing your phone and making your way to your bed. you unlock your phone and open the facetime app. you press the new facetime button and type in jean's name to find his contact. you hesitate a moment before pressing the 'facetime' button. you literally felt as nervous as a middle school girl who's about to talk to her crush. taking a deep breath you press it. your phone starts ringing making you more anxious as you wait for jean to answer. after 3 rings it starts connecting and you see jean's face on the screen. his hair was a little messy and he looked a bit more tired than usual, he looked hotter than usual. 

"hey pretty girl, how are you doing?" jean smiles looking at you through the screen. 

blood started rushing to your face and your stomach started twisting and turning. you felt like kicking your feet and squealing into your pillow at that very moment. 

"i'm doing okay, what about you?" you smile back trying to act as normal as possible. "i'm doing pretty good now that you've called, i was bored watching a youtube video while i waited." jean informs making you smile. "aw you were waiting for me kirstein?" you tease making jean visibly blush. "and if i was? is that an issue with you [l/n]?" he retorts. "i never said it was." you reply back playfully rolling your eyes. you were acting all cool and collected, but truthfully you felt extremely hot and bothered. "yeah, so shut up." he laughs.

lord the things i'd do to this man...i just need ten minutes

you roll your eyes again looking elsewhere. it gets quiet and you look at your phone to see jean staring at you. "whatcha looking at?" you question squinting your eyes at the brunette. "you of course." he replies calmly. you felt your heart skip a beat at his response, you never understood how he could say something like that so easily. "jean shut up oh my god." you say covering your face and moving your phone away. "hey, hey, i like looking at you, put your phone towards your face." jean smiles, knowing the effect he's having on you. "no." you state in a quiet tone. you get under your covers and lay down on your side, putting the phone to your right facing the ceiling. "y/n i'm serious, please, i'll stop teasing you, i promise." jean states genuinely. 

"really?"

"yes really."

you cover half of your face with your comforter as you face your phone towards yourself. "y/n i can't see your face." jean deadpans. "i know." you mutter voice muffled by the comforter. "show me your face y/n." jean insists. 

"no." 

"y/n-" 

"no." 

"you're impossible." jean sighs looking elsewhere. you laugh at his statement and reveal your face again, waiting for jean to look at the screen again. "there she is." jean smiles when he sees you on his screen. "soooo, what's up?" you ask. "still nothing." jean replies.

"Y/NNNNN VAS A COMER????" you hear connie yell from the living room. "NO TENGO HAMBRE TAL VEZ MAS TARDE!" you yell back. suddenly connie bursts into your room startling you. "girl what you mean you're not gonna eat?" connie questions suspiciously squinting his eyes at you. "i didn't say i wasn't gonna eat, i said maybe later. i ate a lot today with mikasa and sasha, we tried a bunch of deserts from a cake shop." you lie to connie. while it is true that you ate today, you were a bit hungry, but you didn't want to get off facetime with jean since it's on rare occasions that you do so. "i know you're really hungry so if you want my portion take it, me hago un huevo con tortilla si se me antoja." you tell connie trying to get him out the room as quickly as possible. "really? okay, thank you, do you want me to bring you something? or are you good?" connie questions. "could you actually bring me a bottle of sweet tea pleaseeee?" you ask connie. connie nods his head leaving you to grab your drink. you look back at your phone to see jean staring at you with an expression of admiration. "que miras?" you question. "your wall y/n." jean deadpans. "you of course dumbass." jean laughs. you roll your eyes feeling a bit embarrassed, jean is so straightforward it catches you off-guard. "here's your sweet tea." connie walks into your room giving you your drink. "is that jean?" connie asks excitedly grabbing your phone. "no it's sasha." you plainly state. "of course, it's jean, no miras?" you exclaim rolling your eyes at connie. "shut up." he replies. "jean what's this? you're on facetime with y/n? you're not a big facetime fan, you only do it when you need something that requires seeing the other person. what do you need from y/n?" connie questions jean curiously. "i'm just bored and wanted to talk to her." jean shruggs. "hm, interesting...okay i'll leave y'all to it." connie hands you your phone biding both of you goodbye. "gracias pelón, por el drink." you thank connie. "your welcome fea, you want your door closed?" connie asks. you nod your head waving goodbye and once again you're left alone with jean on facetime. 

"i envy the relationship you have with connie." 

you whip your head towards your phone a smile creeping up onto your face, you found the opportunity to tease jean. "oh so you're jealous that connie gets to see me everyday huh? you want me sooo bad." you tease. jean's face immediately started turning blood red, now it was his turn to hide his face from you. "oh no no no, come back here kirstein," you laugh at jean's embarrassment. you calm down your laughter as you notice jean return to the screen. his cheeks were still tinted pink and you could tell he was flustered. 

"you know i meant!" jean exclaims. "i just wish i had that brother and sister relationship with someone." jean explains. "well what about sasha? since i could remember you always took care of her, i remember that time she thought niccolo was cheating on her, and you almost drove over to his house with connie to trash his car." you laugh at the memory. 

"well yeah, sasha is like a sister to me, but you know, you connie grew up next to each other, he was basically adopted by your family when his mom passed which strengthened your bond, and now you live together. i don't know, being an only child is...lonely." jean confesses, a sad look present on his face. you felt bad for jean, cause even though you are technically an only child, you did have connie around you, so you could never understand what it truly felt like to be an only child.

"okay sorry, that was way too depressing, let's talk about something else," jean laughs. "you went out with sasha and mikasa, how was that?" jean asks focusing his attention back on you. "it was fun, we needed to buy stuff for next week's trip, and we wanted to buy some new clothes and just hang out," you reply. as much as you wanted to continue the previous conversation and comfort jean, you knew best not to, jean doesn't like talking about his feelings too much, and you had to respect that. "ah i see, show me what you bought," jean requests. hearing him say that made your heart rate shoot up quickly. you felt embarrassed to show him the beach clothes and bathing suits you bought. you could care less if this was anyone else, but it isn't, it's jean, and you want to impress him as much as you can. 

this is so embarrassing what if he thinks they're ugly? i'll just come up with an excuse.

"i would, but i don't feel like getting up and showing you in all honesty. you'll just have to see them next week," you tell jean. you weren't lying to him, you were exhausted from the day, and didn't really feel like doing anything. "understandable, understandable, so are you excited for next week? how are you feeling about it?" jean asks. "i'm super excited, but a bit nervous since i'm still relatively new to the friend group, plus i don't get along with eren, and i'm just hoping we have no issues next week. i'd hate it if we fight and make things awkward or uncomfortable for everyone else." you confess. "i get that, i'm sorry about him, he's a good guy just a fucking weirdo at times." you bust out laughing causing jean to laugh as well. "bruh that's your friend, don't do him like that." you say trying to calm your laughter down. "am i wrong though? he started acting crazy towards you and had never even seen you a day in his life beforehand, that's some weirdo behavior i'm telling you." jean laughs. you nod your head and the laughter dies down between the two of you. "just don't pay too much attention to him, and don't react if he says something that makes you mad, eren is notorious for picking fights, he loves pissing people off i guess, i'm talking from personal experience." jean states. "yeah i can see that, i'm gonna try my best to not fight with him, but i am gonna try to get on neutral terms with him." you proceed to explain to jean your plan and that both mikasa and sasha agreed that you should go through with. jean seemed hesitant at first but ultimately agreed that it would be better for you and eren not to beef for the sake of the friend group. 

the rest of the night was spent with you and jean talking about anything and everything, your day, his day, the beach trip, the next school year, literally anything. a few hours passed, and it got quiet between the two of you, it wasn't awkward, you both were just tired. neither of you had the guts to initiate the goodbye because truthfully you both didn't want to. you enjoyed each other's presence even if it was over a facetime call. eventually, you felt your eyelids become heavy, jean had already fallen asleep, and you followed suit. 

-

the days passed quickly, you managed to get together with mikasa and armin, and the two of them were able to help you know what to say and not say when you speak to eren. jean started wanting to facetime more after that night, his excuse still being that he was bored. you didn't mind though, you really liked jean, being on facetime with him made your mind fuzzy and you loved it. you facetimed every night since like routine, except tonight. it's saturday and tomorrow was the day you would all leave to spend the week at jean's beach house. since the meet time for jean's is at three am he said it would idiotic of you two to stay up talking like you had been doing the 5 previous nights. jean of course is right, but you couldn't help to feel really bummed out about it. 

"Y/NNNNNNNN!" connie yells bursting into your room. "what's up?" you wince from connie's loudness. "please help me pack, i don't know what to bring, i'm so stupid when it comes to this, look! you already have everything packed!" he points at your suitcase and bag. "connie, one, please stop yelling we'll get noise complaint, two, yes i'll help you, c'mon." you get up from your bed and grab connie by the wrist, dragging him to his room to help him pack. you quickly get to work and start pulling out the correct amount of outfits and sleepwear sets connie needs for the week-long stay, you direct him to grab a week's amount of underwear, and to grab a few extra just in case. connie looks at you completely baffled, he didn't realize you were this organized and efficient when it came to packing, he was thankful that he had you to help him. he'd be fucked otherwise. 

"so i put everything you're going to need on the bed, make sure you pack bathroom essentials as well. pack a pair of sneakers, your slides, and a pair of sandals for the beach. make sure to pack a few towels as well, i don't know if there are going to be any at the house. don't forget deodorant as well, i trust you can pack everything yourself so i'll be going." you say as you start exiting connie's room. "did you eat already?" you ask before completely leaving. "yeah, thanks for cooking it was delicious," connie smiles. "okay good, i'm glad, it's already eight, so try to get everything packed quickly, we'll be waking up real early so you're gonna need to be well-rested." you remind connie. "yeah, i'll probably knock out after this so good night, thank you for the help." connie smiles. you return the smile and bid him good night making your way back to your room.

yawning you turn off your bedroom lights and crawl into bed, eight is really early to go to sleep, but you were going to need it for tomorrow so you took some melatonin earlier. 

i really hope everything goes well during this trip...

- 

ring ring ring ring  [think about that bum ass iphone alarm]

getting up you grab your phone and turn off the alarm. 2:30 am read the screen. as excited as you are for the beach trip, you were not at all a morning person, even with a good night's sleep. 

i should wake up connie. 

sighing you get up from your bed and walk into your bathroom to freshen up. you use the toilet, brush your teeth, and take a quick, body-only shower, sine you washed your hair the previous day. knowing it was going to be a long drive you go with comfy-casual apparel.

you walk out your room to go wake up connie, but to your surprise, his door was open and he was already awake. "yo, i'm shocked you're awake, i came here thinking i needed to wake you up." you chuckle, walking into his room and sitting down on the bed. "well, actually i...didn't really sleep," connie awkwardly laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"you're joking." 

connie shakes his head. "i am in fact not joking." 

you sigh and rub your eyes, you felt like a stressed mother sometimes when it came to connie. "okay, well aren't you supposed to be the driver today?" connie nods his head looking down at his feet. "i'll be the driver instead, it's a three hour drive, so try to sleep as much as you can on the way. i know it's not enough sleep, but it'll be enough for you to power through the day since we're probably going to be out most of it." you tell connie. 

"wait, isn't it supposed to rain heavy, i know you don't like driving when it's raining are you su-" 

"it's going to be me, you, sasha, and niccolo is the car, if the rain gets bad and i start feeling uncomfortable behind the wheel, i'll just ask niccolo to drive the rest of the way." you cut connie off. "but why not just ask niccolo to drive?" connie asks. 

"when jean asked who was going to be the driver for our group, you immediately said you'd do it, niccolo didn't, i'm not going to make him do something he did not sign up for just because you did something irresponsible." you scold connie slightly. you weren't really mad at connie, you just wished he would make smarter decisions. "oh...you're right, i'm really sorry y/n, i ended procrastinating and didn't finish packing til midnight, and when i tried going to sleep i couldn't. i stayed on my phone up until i heard you get up." connie explains looking down, he knows he becomes a bit of a burden to you sometimes, he really doesn't mean to do it, and feels bad when he does. 

"it's okay, pelón, just take some melatonin next time, and i'll also help you pack instead of leaving you to do it yourself." you smile. connie returns a smile and nods his head. "okay well, let's go eat breakfast, what do you want me to make?" connie asks as you get up from his bed. "well both of us get car sick easily, so lets just have something light, plus we'll be getting starbucks when we leave, but you're not allowed to have coffee." you point your finger sternly at connie. "yes ma'am." connie salutes making you laugh. "cmon, lets go see what's in the kitchen, we have to hurry up, it's 3:15 and we have to make it to jean's at 3:30." you walk out of  connie's room making your way to the kitchen. in the end, you and connie ate some granola bars and decided you'd get some pastries from starbucks when you go.

"you have all your stuff? phone chargers, computer chargers, what ever you're going to need?" you question connie as the two of you prepare to leave your apartment. "yeah, i double checked this morning." connie assures you giving a thumbs up. the two of you grab all your bags and leave your apartment, locking it behind you. 

"let's go down right now and put our suitcases and bags in the car so we don't have to do it later." you suggest. "yeah that's a good idea, are we still taking my car?" connie questions as the two of you enter the elevator. "nah we're taking my car, the weather is going to be bad according to the weather app, i'll be better off driving my car since i'm used to it." you reply as you press the first floor button. the two of you exit the elevator and walk outside to the parking lot. "it feels unusual to get up and it still be dark." connie says looking up to the sky. "true, it almost feels illegal." you comment chuckling. 

after putting your belongings in the car, the two of you make your way back to the lobby. "you're going to send me gas money though, don't think you're getting off that easy pelón." you say as the two of you enter the elevator to go up to jean's apartment. 

-

"yo jean, you shouldn't leave the door unlocked man, some weirdo can just walk in." connie states as he steps in jean's apartment. "one just did," sasha comments making you giggle. the duo began bickering as you walk towards jean in the living room where he was conversing with mikasa and armin. you greet the three of them, but you notice a sour look plastered on all three of their faces.

"hey, what's up?" you ask, your tone laced with concern. jean doesn't answer you, he simply shakes his head and walks away, leaving you even more concerned. "is something wrong? what happened?" you question mikasa and armin.

"it's eren, he's just being a fucking moron." armin states coldly, looking completely irritated. you were baffled by his response, armin didn't curse too much since it wasn't part his nature. when he did, it was always in a joking manner, but again, not often. whatever eren did must of been bad to have armin like this. you look away from armin to mikasa, hoping that she would explain what eren did. mikasa immediately understood what you were asking for from the look on your face. 

"eren basically threw a tantrum and decided to not come with us on the trip." she states also visibly upset. you furrow your eyebrows in confusion and armin notices it. "he found out you were going to be there and lost it. he started bitching at us when we went to pick him up this morning, and he called jean a little while ago and went off on him too." armin explains to you, his eyes softening, and showing an apologetic expression.

 "i'm really sorry y/n, eren is just...stupid, and in all honesty, we don't want to be around him if he's going to be like that." mikasa apologizes. you felt bad for them, they are apologizing for eren's attitude as if that's something they can even control.

"you guys don't need to apologize, it's not your fault that he acted like that. so don't trouble yourselves over it." you smile, feeling sympathy for the duo. mikasa and armin share a glance at each other before looking back at you. nodding their heads, they return weak smiles. 

"anyways, i'm gonna go talk to jean to make sure he's alright, and not tripping about it as well." you say, waving goodbye. you start walking away from the duo to search for him. jean is much closer to you than mikasa and armin, so you know he took it more personally. but you didn't want him to be in a bad mood over it. this trip is meant to be a happy experience for everybody, you'd hate for it to ruined before it even started. 

you find jean on his apartment's balcony, his arms crossed on the railing, his giant figure leaned over, and his head resting on his arms. although you know jean is extremely mad you couldn't help but to get worked up over how attractive he looked. he went with comfy apparel, a slightly oversized white tee, loose grey nike sweats, and some fresh retro 1s, topped with a thin silver chain.

dear god...you're supposed to be cheering him up, not lusting over him... 

you walk out onto the balcony and lean on the railing next to jean. 

"mikasa and armin told me what happened," you state looking to the side towards him. jean lifts his head from his arms and straightens himself out to look at you. his angry expression from before had softened, but you could tell he was still upset. "i'm...really sorry about eren." jean looks away from you, facing straight ahead towards the night sky. 

"eren is just...difficult, he's a-" 

"fucking moron," you finish for him. "that's a direct quote from armin," you giggle. this causes jean to smile and let out a nose exhale. "well he's not wrong," jean shakes his head. 

"they told me he called you, what did he say?" you ask looking out towards the sky. you had a feeling you didn't want to know from the way mikasa and armin looked and spoke, but the curiosity of wanting to know would eat at you if you didn't ask. "he basically started insulting me, calling me stupid and a dumbass, and other things. he kept asking why did i invite you, that i shouldn't have done that, and then just started going off about how he didn't like you, and didn't want you around." jean reveals looking down. "and what did you say?" you question turning your head toward him. "well, i told him that he needs to get over himself. that you're my best friend and he needed to accept that you were going to be around. i honestly couldn't tell you what else i said, i was really angry and just started saying the most insulting words i could think of." jean replies, looking at you once again.

 you don't reply, instead you turn your head away and smile. jean looks at you with a confused expression, he thought you'd be at least a little angry about it. "you're not upset?" jean questions facing his whole body towards you. you shake your head no and turn yourself towards jean. before he could process what was happening you wrap your arms around jean's neck, pulling him down a little. 

"thank you for getting mad and defending me." you whisper softly against jean's shoulder. he quickly wraps his arms around your waist, hugging you tightly. you unwrap your arms to look at him, resting your hands on his shoulders. jean loosened the grip on your waist, but kept his arms around you. "honestly, it doesn't shock me how eren reacted, and i know i should be mad, but i feel happy. it makes me happy to hear that you defended me." you look up at jean. you could tell jean was extremely flustered in that moment, the redness of his ear tips and cheeks gave him away. you also could feel how hard and fast his heart was beating. "you're welcome." he softly mutters in a daze, unable to say anything else. jean felt like he was on cloud nine as he held you.

"jean, we should um, go." you state awkwardly looking at anything else, but him. "yeah we should..." he replies but does nothing to do so. "jean let go, we can't walk like this." you laugh snapping jean out of his thoughts. jean quickly let's go, realizing what he was doing, his cheeks burning a bright red once again. "sorry, yeah...let's go," jean awkwardly states walking back inside as you follow behind him giggling. 

"hey jean, looks like everyone's here," connie walks up to jean patting him on the shoulder. "the only person missing is eren, but mikasa said he's not coming apparently." jean nods his head and walks out toward the living room. it was about to be four, so it looked like everything was on schedule as jean planned. 

"okay, so i planned for us to leave at five, but since everyone came ahead of time, i guess we can start heading out. if for whatever reason your group's car does not have enough luggage space, you can put it in ymir's car, since it's just her and historia. and if that gets filled for whatever reason, i should have space in my trunk since eren's not going." jean announces to everyone in the living room. after his announcement, everyone started grabbing their belongings, filing out of jean's apartment, and making their way to the parking lot. by 4:15 everyone was in their car and leaving the parking lot. 

-

"y/nnnnn, i want starbucksssss," sasha whines from the backseat. "sasha, they don't open until five so we have to wait. once it's 4:50 i'll put starbucks into maps to see which is closest," you reply looking ahead to the road.

"niccolo, how's your grandfather? sasha told me last week he was hospitalized and that you had to go back to marley to help run his restaurant. i'm guessing he's doing better since you were able to come to this trip with us." you look at niccolo through the rearview mirror. "yeah, he got discharged. he's not back at the restaurant, but he's managing from his house with the help of his employees, so he told me he didn't need me anymore." he explains. you nod your head and focus back on the road in front of you. it was still dark out since the sun doesn't begin to rise until seven. you needed to be careful on the road and it didn't help that it already started raining. 

i hope i can manage driving while it rains, i don't want to impose on niccolo.

the car became silent for the next 20 minutes or so. connie fast asleep in the passenger seat, niccolo asleep as well, and sasha scrolling on her phone with her airpods in. 

"y/n, it's 4:50," sasha whispers to you trying not to wake niccolo and connie. you nod your head and reroute the gps to the nearest starbucks. "okay, seems like it's going to be on the eighth exit after this next one we pass, text me your order and niccolo's as well if you know it." you whisper to sasha. she nods her head and does as she's told. "i'm cashapping you twenty bucks for our orders." you nod your head in acknowledgment and continue to drive. after roughly ten minutes you exit off the freeway and enter the starbucks the gps sent you to. after ordering and getting the drinks and food you reroute the gps to jean's beach house and get on the freeway once again. 

"connie wake up, i got you a cheese danish and a strawberry açaí refresher," you nudge connie a bit to wake him up. connie stirs a little before opening his eyes, he mutters a quiet thank you and starts snacking on his cheese danish, trying to finish it as soon as possible so he could go back to sleep. "y/n, can i try your coffee?" sasha asks as she watches you take a sip of your drink. you nod your head and hand it to her carefully. she takes a quick sip. "oh my god, this is so good. what is it?" sasha exclaims taking another sip. "it's a venti shaken espresso with sweet scream, i also replace the milk with sweet cream. take a picture of the tag if you want, i recommend it." you quietly explain as you notice that connie had fallen asleep again. "for sure, thanks for letting me try." sasha thanks you handing you back your coffee. 

the rest of the trip was silent for the most part, everyone was asleep except you. the only thing that could be heard was the really heavy rain against the car. it's no wonder that the other three were able to fall asleep so quickly, heavy rain is really soothing and could put anyone to sleep. but that wasn't the case for you. since you are driving, the heavy rain made you anxious. you put in your airpods and put them on noise cancellation. thankfully, because of that you were able to drive the whole way. the only bad thing was that the three hour drive became a almost four hour one because of how bad the weather was. it wasn't until the last 20 minutes that the rain stopped. luckily you weren't the only one that struggled in the rain, everyone arrived at the house roughly at the same time. 

"that rain was something serious." jean states as he walks up to your car. "did you guys just get here too?" you ask as you fully get out of your car. "yeah, about ten minutes ago. let me help you take out your suitcase." jean offers walking towards your trunk. "thank you," you smile as you watch him take your suitcase and bag out the trunk. "ugh jean, why couldn't you help me instead? do you not love me?!" connie dramatically asks putting a hand over his chest acting hurt. "shut up, you were supposed to drive today, but since you stayed up all night, y/n did your job, so if i'm going to help anyone it's going to be her." jean lightly scolds connie nudging him. "yeah, yeah, whatever you say lover boy—i mean, jean boy." connie smiles teasing jean. you immediately notice jean's deep blush and start giggling. jean clears his throat and tries to change the topic as fast as possible. "let's hurry up and get everyone's stuff inside, everyone else should be arriving soon." jean starts walking towards the house with your belongings. just as those words left jean's lips, reiner's group plus ymir and historia began pulling up into the drive way. after everyone got their stuff out of your car, you lock it and start making your way to the house. 

"hey y/n, how was your drive? the rain was pretty bad." armin asks as you walk up to him and mikasa. "it was alright, driving in the rain makes me anxious, but i put my airpods on noise cancellation so it was tolerable." you reply laying your head on mikasa's shoulder. "y/n, you know you could've asked me to drive." niccolo interjects. "that's what i said!" connie exclaims earning him a slap on the head from sasha. "i could tell you were really tired niccolo, you slept the whole way here, plus you didn't ask to be a driver in the first place. i didn't want to impose on you and make you do something that wasn't your responsibility." you reply giving him a genuine smile. he thanks you for being considerate and returns to giving sasha attention. looking around you notice everyone gathered, talking in groups, the only person missing being jean. 

"okay, sorry i had to turn off the alarm the house has, but everyone's here i think so we can start picking roommates. i hope no one had any issues getting here, i know the rain was bad and made the drive an hour longer, but we left an hour earlier than i planned, so we're technically not behind." jean states to everyone. 

"wait, did marcos not come? i thought he was going to be here?" you whisper to sasha who was beside you. "nah his mom had surgery earlier this month and he has to take care of her so he couldn't come, it was pointless to delay the trip though because he'll have to take care of his mom the whole summer, basically." sasha explains. you nod and mouth an 'oh' turning your head back towards jean who was talking. 

"this house has 7 rooms, one being the basement that was made into a room. because eren decided not to come, we have 13 people, an odd amount. meaning one person will get their own room." jean explains looking around. 

"i call dibs," you calmly state before anyone could say anything. 

"not fair, i want it!" 

"no, i should get it cause i'm the oldest."

"guys, this is jean's beach house so he should get it or decide who get's it." 

everyone nods in agreement and turn towards jean to see what he decides. "well, y/n did call dibs first so she can have it." jean states scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, a light blush coating his cheeks. 

"simp!" connie yells making everyone turn towards him. "damn, who said that?" connie looks around acting clueless making you and sasha stifle a laugh at his idiocy. soon after, everyone had a roommate and started making their ways to a room. you go upstairs and pick the last room to the right of the hall. you were in awe of the room and house. it was an extremely modern and spacious house, the rooms were huge and had their own bathrooms, you felt lucky to have one all to yourself. after taking a look around the room you began to unpack putting everything in a desirable spot. after you finish you make your way down stairs to meet up with everyone and see what the plan for the day is.

[this what the house looks like, just imagine it to be a bit bigger]

"sooo, what are we going to do today?" you ask sitting down on the couch next to mikasa. almost everyone finished unpacking except sasha, niccolo, and hitch, everyone else sat in the living room waiting. "there's a boardwalk about 5 minutes from here, it has stores, restaurants, rides, and games. it's by a beach, we could go there if y'all like?" jean suggests looking around for opinions. "hm...i'm down, but will anything be open? i mean, it rained" historia asks. "i don't think so, it looks like it didn't rain over here, it's all dry outside, and if it did it was probably not much." jean replies checking his phone. "hey sorry i took so long, i thought i left my charger and started going crazy looking for it." the girl that you haven't met, hitch, says as she walks down the stairs towards the group on the couch. "nah you're good, we're still waiting for sasha and niccolo," ymir replies. "damn are they fucking? taking all damn day." annie comments making everyone laugh.

 "hey guys, we're done unpacking, what are you all laughing about?" sasha sweetly asks as she makes her way from the basement room to the living room. everyone turns toward the couple and try to conceal their laughter. "it's nothing, someone just said something stupid." armin assures not wanting for sasha or niccolo to be embarrassed. "oh okay, what did they say?" sasha curiously asks. everyone becomes silent not knowing what to say to her. you felt a little bad for sasha in that moment even if she wasn't aware of it. "y/n made a joke about connie being ugly and bald." mikasa plainly states looking bored as ever. everyone vigorously nods going along with little white lie. "oh, i wish i was here for that," sasha laughs sitting down on the couch next you, niccolo on her other side.  "so what's up, what are we going today?" sasha asks looking around the room. "jean suggested this boardwalk by the beach, we haven't come to a decision about it though." connie answers. "i mean are there any objections for this idea?" jean questions everyone. 

"nah i think it'll be fun." 

"yup, i'm down."

"if we all agree can we go then?" 

everyone started getting excited and impatient, wanting to leave as soon as possible. "wait should we change or something? i mean you said there's a beach, are we planning to go it or?" you question. everyone nods their heads looking at jean for a response. "i mean we could, but honestly that beach sucks, it's always full of people, trash everywhere, and there's always really drunk people, so it's a bit unsafe." jean replies. "that's not the beach we're going to by the way there's a way nicer one about 20 minutes from here, do you guys wanna go to the beach instead?" jean looks around. after a few minutes of discussion, everyone agrees it's better to go to the boardwalk since you all don't want to pack for the beach at that moment, plus you would need to prepare snacks and food. and no one wanted to do that after driving for four hours. in the same groups everyone arrived in, everyone left in to go to the boardwalk, jean sends the directions to the group chat, and you all leave promptly.

"y/n, i'll drive, you drove of us here, you're probably sick of being behind that steering wheel." niccolo laughs putting his hand out for your keys. "really? thanks niccolo i appreciate it," you smile handing him your keys. "no worries, it's only a 5 minute drive, nothing compared to what you drove." you get in the backseat next to sasha, resting your head on her shoulder. 

getting out the car you couldn't help feeling excited. although it was a little over nine in the morning, the boardwalk was packed. [think jersey shore boardwalk LMFAO]

"do you guys wanna split up to explore the shops and games a little, we can meet up at 11:30 to get lunch and then stick together as a group after. how does that sound?" jean suggests. everyone nods their heads and immediately split up into groups and duos. you watch as sasha and connie immediately leave to see the food stands, niccolo trailing behind them like a puppy. although sasha has always been known to have a big appetite and love for food, connie was definitely on her level, he just hid it more. 

"well, looks like it's just you and i." jean states from beside you making you jump. "dude you fucking startled me, dear god." you put a hand over your chest feeling your heart beat go a thousand miles per hour. "sorry, but c'mon let's go, i saw a little crystal shop around here, you're into that right?" jean asks walking in the direction of the shop. "oh yeah, when did you see it? i thought i would've noticed." you walk next to jean, looking around for it. "well, i actually looked up the shops they have here online... just to see if there were any that you would like." jean shyly says looking straight ahead, a blush creeping onto his face. "look at you, looking up shops you think i'd like? you want me so bad," you tease poking jean's face. "shut up, let's go." jean grabs your hand pulling you with him. you struggle to keep up with jean's fast-paced walking, but that's a given, he's a lot taller than you. 

you arrive at the crystal shop standing there mesmerized. the shop is filled with all types of crystals, incense, tarot decks, books, and crystal jewelry. "oh my god, it's so pretty." you look around taking everything in. jean greets the shop's owner and looks around himself. "i don't understand anything about crystals or what they do, but they are gorgeous." jean picks up a piece of green aventurine. "i like this one, the green color is pretty." jean states observing the stone. "that's green aventurine, it's my favorite crystal." you point at your wrist showing him your green aventurine bracelet. "is it bad if i buy a crystal despite not knowing about it? like will the universe curse me if i do?" jean turns toward you still holding the crystal. "nope, as long as you're willing to learn about it, meditate with, take care of it and use it with good intentions. some people buy crystals and just show them off to seem "spiritual", but never use them for their purpose. the universe doesn't fuck with people like that." you explain as you look at the stones on the table in front of you. 

"well i really like this one and wanna buy it, think you can teach me how to use and take care of it properly?" jean asks watching you look through the bowls of crystals. 

"of course i will, we'll start now since you want to buy green aventurine, it's a good luck stone, and is also known as an abundance crystal. it attracts money and success, but also energizes and upliftings. i have a book about crystals back at my apartment, i'll let you borrow it if you'd like so you can learn more about green aventurine and others." you pick up two pieces of selenite and hand them to jean. "green aventurine seems like my type of crystal," jean laughs. "and yeah i would appreciate if you let me borrow the book, also why did you hand me these two crystals.?" jean looks at the selenite in his hand. "that's selenite, it's a cleansing crystal, it can help you cleanse negative energy around you or within you, and can also cleanse other crystals. that's why i gave it to you, it'll help you cleanse your green aventurine. selenite is widely known as a crystal that doesn't need cleansing or recharging, you still should, i cleanse it with incense and recharge it with moonlight. you can cleanse and charge your green aventurine like that as well." you tell jean grabbing a pack of lavender incense. "also when you buy or receive a crystal make sure to clean it first before trying to use it. it could have negative energy from it's previous environment. it needs to be cleaned before you try to put your energy and intentions in it." you continue making jean nod his head. 

"hey look at these green aventurine necklaces." he states pointing at them. "we should get them and match." he smiles, causing you to smile as well. "really?" you ask. "yeah, it would be cute since we both like green aventurine," he states grabbing two of the same necklace. you turn your head away smiling to yourself, not wanting him to see how happy the gesture makes you. the two of you spent some more time in the shop, and you were able to buy some other crystals; moonstone, rose quartz, and amazonite. "can we put on the necklaces on right now or do we have to cleanse and recharge them first?" jean asks grabbing your hand, intertwining your fingers. you felt butterflies every time he did it. "preferably yes, but we can put them on. we do need to cleanse them when we get back to the house though." you reply. jean immediately opens the bag they were in and takes them out. "okay turn around and lean down so i can put yours on." you command jean as you unclasp the neck lace. jean does as you say letting you put the necklace on him. "okay your turn, turn around," jean says unclasping the other necklace. you turn around and move your hair allowing jean to put the necklace on you. "look, now we are matching." you smile turning around to look at jean. "it look good on you." jean softly says admiring you. smiling, you feel the heat rush to your face, jean has such a big effect on you it's honestly terrifying. "yeah, yeah, now let's go look around before we have to meet up with the others." you grab jean's hand dragging you with him. noticing how flustered you are he began laughing and teasing you. 

[what the necklace's look like] 

you and jean looked at other shops and played games for the remaining time you had together. jean won you a squishmallow and bought you anything you wanted. no matter how against it you were. eventually, you met up with the others and had lunch together. after, you all hung out as a group enjoying the afternoon as much as you all could. 

"it's almost four, we've been here since nine and it doesn't even feel like it!" armin exclaims as he checks his watch. "you're right, maybe it time we head back, today was fun, but i'm a bit tired." jean yawns stretching his arms out. everyone agrees and you all begin the drive back to the house. 

-

"that was so fun, we should definitely go there again sometime this week." sasha lays her head on your shoulder. you were currently on the way back to the house. "agreed," you lay your head on hers. "it's a shame we didn't get to go on the rides, but it would've been a bad idea after eating," niccolo comments making you, sasha, and connie agree. "hey there's another car in the drive way. looks like a jeep." connie points out as niccolo pulls up to the driveway. "hm, i don't recognize it..." sasha states observing the car. "well we'll find out who it is once we go inside since they're not in the car." niccolo puts the car in park, turning it off. you were the last to arrive back since sasha decided she wanted a churro last minute.

the four of you walk in the house and you felt your heart drop to your ass. you now knew who the car belonged to. the person you dreaded most to see, eren.

"eren? you came?" connie questions a shocked expression written all over his face, along with yours and sasha's. 

"yeah, i arrived about an hour ago," eren plainly states. "wait, is that your car out there? i've never seen you drive a jeep." sasha asks eren. "i've always had it. never used it." eren replies short and coldly. 

damn i get he doesn't like me, but is he that negative with all his friends as well... 

"why did you come though? mikasa said you changed your mind last minute." sasha recalls a conversation she had with mikasa in the morning. 

"changed my mind again." 

sasha nods her head and decides to not push the conversation any further since eren didn't seem up for one. "well glad you decided to come man." connie daps eren off as he passes to go sit on the couch next to jean.

"since we have fourteen people and seven rooms, it looks like you won't be able to have your own room y/n." jean states scratching his chin. "yeah...guess not." you say quietly. now that eren is in the house, you felt nothing but fear and anxiety.

"looks like eren and y/n are sharing the room," ymir laughs causing both you and eren to snap your heads in her direction and state "no" at the same time. 

"mikasa switch with me." eren demands looking at his best friend. "no. i'm staying with armin."

"armin plea-"

"no eren." 

"if you want eren i'll swit-" jean gets nudged by connie who non-verbally tells him to stay quiet. although you haven't spoken about it with everyone individually, the beef you have with eren is very apparent to everyone, and they also want it resolved as much as you did. 

"well i'll switch with y/n if you want eren." hitch sweetly suggests giving him her best smile. eren sighs deeply. you aren't aware of it, but hitch has been trying to fuck eren for the longest time and eren doesn't want that on the other hand. 

"is anyone willing to switch we me?" eren sighs looking around the room. everyone shakes their head leaving eren entre la espada y la pared. now he had to decide between staying in a room for a week with you or hitch. as much as he dislikes you, he didn't want to have hitch throwing herself at him for the entirety of a week. at least you wouldn't try to touch him if you were to share a bed. 

"i'll stay with y/n." eren mutters looking down to his feet. 

"okay good! y/n's room is the last room down the hall to the right." sasha enthusiastically exclaims pushing eren towards the stairs. eren nods his head and heads up stairs with his suitcase so he can unpack. 

"well now that, that's resolved, what are we having for dinner?" sasha looks at jean awaiting a response. "armin and annie said they wanted to make shrimp alfredo pasta for dinner so we have to go buy ingredients. we also have to go grocery shopping in general, we're going to be here for a week and we can't only eat out so." jean announces getting up from his seat. "who's coming?" 

sasha and connie immediately answer jean, and the five of them leave to buy groceries. everyone else decided to rest or finish unpacking. 

i should take a shower, it's been a long day. 

you dart up the stairs walking towards your room when you remembered. eren is currently unpacking. you began to fret over it in your head, should you just go in and take a shower? or wait until eren leaves the room? you know there's no point in trying to avoid eren, you're going to share a room with him for week, and be in close proximity of him. but...you couldn't help the fear that bubbled within you. 

taking deep breaths you continue to walk towards your room. eren's head immediately snaps toward the door when you walk in. you both make eye contact, but eren breaks it immediately rolling his eyes. you ignore him completely as you grab your towels and walk towards the bathroom. as you shut the door you let out a breath you were holding in. you truly didn't know how you were going to manage for a week. sighing, you turn on the shower and rid yourself of your jewelry and clothes. you hop in the shower pushing away all your negative and anxious thoughts. 

-

after showering, you did your hair routine in the bathroom. since you were so worried about eren you ended up forgetting to bring clothes to the bathroom to change. slowly, you open the door and peak out to see if eren was still in the room. seeing that he left, you let out a sigh of relief. you walk over to the dresser and pull out undergarments and a rolled pair of socks. you wore something comfortable, nike slides,  grey cotton shorts, and an oversized black nike sweatshirt with a tank-top underneath. you also put on your green aventurine necklace. 

walking down the stairs you find that jean's group returned from the grocery store. 

"hey sasha, how was grocery shopping?" you sit next to her on the couch. "good, we got more than enough for the week, jean said that if there's left overs we'll just have to take it with us, but i doubt it." 

you nod your head and look at the show that played on the tv. "i'm bored, what should we do?" you look at sasha who was playing on her phone. "me too, and i don't know, we could help armin and annie in the kitchen?" sasha suggests looking up from her phone. "i'm down with that." you shrug. sasha nods her head and the two of you get up making your ways to the kitchen. 

"y/n and i are here to help." sasha announces as the two of you walk into the kitchen. "yeah, we know you guys have to make a lot so we're here to help you in any way we can." you smile at the blonde duo. "thank you, we'll start telling you what to do once we get things going," armin states returning a smile. "about time you hung out with me." annie rolls her eyes at you jokingly. "aww, does annie miss me?" you tease the girl, giggling.

"shut up before i drop kick you." 

"yes ma'am," you salute with a deep voice making annie crack a smile. 

the four of you spent the next two hours making dinner. 

"we've been so busy i wonder what everyone else is doing out in the living room. i heard yelling every once in awhile." you state as you pull out utensils, plates, cups, and placemats. "i went out there a while ago, everyone's playing mario kart. except eren, i didn't see him," annie replies. you nod your head as you count the amount of cups you took out. 

"do you guys think there'll be enough room on the table for everyone?" sasha questions eyeing the number of cups and plates. "well, there's seven girls and seven boys, i suggest the girls eat outside on the patio and boys inside, or vice versa." annie proposes as she stirs the pasta. "hmm, that would be perfect actually, i'm down, i hope the rest of the girls are okay with that." sasha nods her head. "go ask them if they're cool with the outside patio." you jerk your head towards the door to the living room. as sasha leaves, you grab seven of each table essential and go to set up the dining room table. when you returned to the kitchen sasha informed you that all the girls agreed to the outside patio. upon hearing that, you grab the rest of the table essentials and leave to set up the back patio table. 

walking out onto the patio you feel your heart drop and mouth go dry. 

there you see eren sitting in one the chairs, staring out towards the large lake behind the house. eren hadn't noticed or heard you which you found odd, but upon closer inspection you could see he had airpods in. looking away from him, you pull yourself together quickly and continue what you went to the patio for, to set up the table. doing so, you act as if eren isn't there, eventually gaining his attention. you could feel his eyes on you causing you to look at him. 

he wore an unreadable expression, not the angry one he'd normally have if he saw you. breaking eye contact you resume the task at hand. 

"what, are we having dinner out here?" you could hear a tinge of irritation in his tone. 

you shake your head. "boys inside and girls outside." 

you finish setting up the table and quickly make your way back inside not wanting to be near him any longer.

 "finished setting up tables, now what?" you ask as you walk into the kitchen. "now we have to seperate the pasta into two large bowls for each table and do the same with the garlic bread." armin replies. "the garlic bread is still in the oven and will be done in about five minutes. do y'all think i could leave this up to you? i need to go do something before dinner." armin points at you, sasha and annie. the three of you nod your heads and with that armin takes his leave. 

"it smells so good, i can't wait to eat." sasha gushes as annie takes out two large bowls. "yeah, we know you glutton, now help me." 

you and sasha instantly move to annie's side and help her with the pasta. "here, put these serving spoons in each bowl." annie hands you two large spoons. "after go to the fridge and take some two-liter sodas and put an equal amount on both tables, i'll handle the garlic bread." annie shoos you and sasha away. the two of you do as she says and bring the sodas to each table.

it took a total of ten minutes to finish setting up the tables with foods and drinks. and without a moment of hesitation sasha rushes to the living room to announce it's time to eat. the boys quickly make their ways to the dining room while the girls leave to the patio. as you walk towards the backdoor you hear the front door open. turning around you notice mikasa and armin walk in, a uneasy expression clear on their features. before they could take note of you, you leave out to the patio. you feel like something bad happened from the look on their faces, it makes you uneasy.

"hey y/n, come sit next to me!" historia calls out to you. you smile and nod your head walking over to the empty seat beside her. although the table is a bit smaller than the inside one, it was still enough for the seven of you. it didn't take long for everyone to arrive and soon enough the seven of you were digging in.

 "oh my god. this is delicious!" historia exclaims. "y'all did so good, along with armin." she refers to annie, you, and sasha. the three of you thank her and it falls silent. everyone so indulged in the food that there was no reason to talk. you take a peak at mikasa and notice her face casted downwards, picking at her food with her fork. now you were sure that something is wrong. 

i'll talk to her after dinner.

"i just realized!" everyone shot their head up towards sasha who already finished her plate of pasta. "i never introduced y/n to hitch, at least not properly." she states looking between you and hitch. your eyes widen. it's true that no one introduced you, but you could've done it yourself. now you look ill-mannered. 

"i'm so sorry, i should've introduced myself, i've just been so caught up i completely forgot to." you look at the light brown-haired girl who sat at the the end of the table.

"no worries! i understand, i could've introduced myself as well, i just didn't find the time." hitch gives you a sympathetic smile. "but it's nice to meet you y/n, i hope we can be friends." hitch speaks. 

"for sure, i'd love to be." you nod your head returning a smile. for the next hour, the seven of you spend the time laughing and talking while occasionally enjoying extra plates of pasta. 

"hey y/n? do you think i could talk to you after this?" mikasa asks you suddenly. "yeah, let me just go put my plate and cup in the sink." you reply picking up your dishes. 

hearing mikasa ask to speak to you made your chest feel heavy. you just know this has something to do with eren. 

"who's doing dishes?" you ask sasha as you put your plate and cup in the sink. "since three girls and one boy cooked, three boys and one girl are going to wash dishes. i don't know who of the boys, but i know hitch is going to help." she replies leaving the kitchen afterwards. you nod your head and walk back outside to find both mikasa and armin. 

"hey, so what did you want to talk to me about? why is armin out here too?" you look back and forth between the black and blonde-haired duo. the two of them glance at each other before looking at you again. 

"don't try to talk to eren tonight." mikasa states causing you to furrow your eyebrows in confusion. 

"i wasn't planning to...but why?" you question. 

"this morning we told you eren threw a fit when we went to pick him up right?" armin starts. you nod your head signaling for him to continue. "well, it was because we told him that you were attending the trip, and that we wanted him to not start fights with you." armin confesses scratching the back of his neck, a slightly pained expression on his face. "although we caused eren's tantrum we chose to not tell you since he decided not to come. we just thought there was no point." mikasa looks at you. "but then, he ended up coming, so we decided to talk to him about the situation again, and well...that didn't end good. it happened right before dinner." mikasa reveals looking down at the ground. "instead of helping you, we made it worse, and we're really sorry about this y/n. we thought we should let you know so you don't talk to eren tonight. we don't want you to get caught in one of his tantrums because of us." armin looks at you sincerely. 

you could tell they felt bad for what they did and that it truly wasn't their intention. 

"thank you for letting me know, and it's okay, don't worry about it. i know you guys meant well with talking to eren. i'll let him blow off steam and talk to him maybe tomorrow or the day after." you respond giving a sincere smile. you see their faces relax a little. their apprehensiveness swapped with relief. 

"i thought you were going to be a little upset in all honesty." armin sighs causing mikasa to nod her head in agreement. "nah that's not me, it would only be like that if y'all had malicious intent." you assure. "now let's go inside to everyone else, no use worrying about his dumbass." you laugh turning around towards the door. mikasa and armin laugh as well following behind you. the moment you stepped inside the house you got the strange feeling of being watched. and you weren't the only one.

"hey is it just me or do you guys feel like you're being stared at?" mikasa looks around before turning to you and armin. you nod your head. "yeah...i got the feeling the moment we stepped inside." armin nods his head as well, looking around the living room. the three of you felt disoriented until you figured it out. the people in kitchen washing dishes are reiner, bertholdt, niccolo, and hitch. everyone else sat it the living room watching tv, except one person. "found who's staring at us." armin comments causing both you and mikasa to look in his direction. you follow his eyes all the way to the stairwell balcony. 

eren's unwavering eyes stared straight into yours causing a shiver to run up your spine. he looked absolutely pissed. "he probably saw us talking outside and figured out we were talking about him." mikasa sighs adverting her eyes from eren's figure. "i thought he went up to his room after diner, so i didn't think he'd see us." armin shakes his head. you break the eye contact with eren when you feel someone else staring at you. 

looking down, you catch jean staring at you. the moment your eyes meet jean smiles at you sending a you a small wave causing you to do the same. you look back up to the balcony that loomed over the living room to find eren gone. "hey y/n, mikasa, the girls are gonna go out to the patio because the boys are going to start playing call of duty or whatever." hitch states as she leaves the kitchen. "y'all are done with the dishes?" mikasa asks. "yeah, we put them in the dishwasher, we just had to wash them lightly to ensure they are clean after." hitch explains. "i'll see y'all outside, hurry up though, there's a tv outside so we might watch a movie." hitch walks past leaving to the back patio. 

"well eren's even more pissed than before, but there's no use stressing over it." armin states. he bids the two of you goodbye and walks over to the couch where the guys are. "seems like all the girls are about to head out so lets go." mikasa turns around to the back door. "yeah, go ahead, i'll be out in a sec, just want to get a water bottle." you reply walking towards the kitchen. truthfully, you just wanted to have a second alone to process what just happened. 

talking to eren just became even harder. if he hated you before now you know he detests you. 

you aren't afraid of eren, no. the only thing that made you afraid is how it would effect everyone else. you're afraid of losing your friendships, even more now than before. 

sighing, you walk over to the refrigerator and open it to grab a bottle of water. as you close it you hear the kitchen door open.

"hey."

 you look over to find jean leaning against the wall beside the door. "hi," you respond gripping the water bottle in your hand. jean watches you intently making you extremely nervous. 

"are you okay? you along with armin and mikasa looked distressed back there." jean walks closer to you, now leaning on the kitchen counter. "yeah it's a long story, eren stuff." you sigh. jean nods his head slowly at your response. "well...since you're stressed and i'm bored, why don't we take a little trip, just you and me." jean suggests. 

"i have blunts ready to go by the way." 

you snap your head towards him squinting your eyes. 

"are you trying to persuade me kirstein?" 

jean looks elsewhere in thought. "perhaps...but it'd be beneficial to you so it doesn't matter." jean smiles causing you to smile as well. "okay, let's do it." you nod your head. "okay follow me, i know a way we can leave without being noticed." jean signals you to follow him. he leads you to the hallway in the dining room, there you both leave through a side door. 

"oh shit, it's like a secret door." you comment as the two of you walk to jeans car that's parked in the front. "yeah, it's works as an emergency exit incase of an intruder or something." jean explains opening the passager door for you. the small action made butterflies manifest in your stomach. "thank you." you smile getting into the car. jean closes the door and walks over to the driver's side getting in. "so where are we going?" you turn to him buckling your seatbelt. 

"we're going to the beach, the good one i mentioned today at the boardwalk." jean replies buckling his own seat belt. "it'a about fifteen to twenty minutes from here and should be empty since it's pretty late. it'll be fun" jean says putting his key into to ignition turning on the car. you nod your head and jean pulls off onto the road.

The drive lasted a total of ten minutes since no one was really on the road. "here we are." jean announces putting the gear stick in park. the parking lot was empty, the beach in front of it as well. "it's a little over eight, i expected at least a few people to be here." you state observing your surroundings. "yeah, people do come out at night, but further down since there's restaurants, bars and shit." jean explains reaching for the glove compartment. he opens it up pulling out a zip-log bag holding two well-rolled blunts. "we don't need to smoke both, let's leave one incase we want more later." jean says pulling out one of the blunts. he closes the bag putting it back into the glove compartment, shutting it. "we're going to smoke in here?" you furrow your brows. "yeah, we're going to hotbox." jean replies putting the blunt on the center console as he pats down his pockets for his lighter.

"it's gonna suck if i brought everything, but a lighter." jean comments as he searches for a lighter. "i do have one in my pursue, but i left that at the house..." you look at jean. jean deeply sighs pinching the bridge of his nose. "i'm such a dumbass, i prepared for this and forgot that." you give him a sympathetic smile. "it's okay, why don't we go to the convenience store and buy o-" 

"wait! no i really am a dumb ass, it's in the bag full of snacks." jean blurts out reaching into the back seat. he pulls out a brand new lighter holding to your face. "you didn't have that in your car this whole day right?..." you squint your eyes at the brunette. jean scoffs. "i'm aware i can sometimes be an idiot, but not all the time. i wouldn't do something that dangerous." jean states opening the packaging of the lighter. "and nah, after dinner i went up stairs, got the bag and put it in here." jean explains. "a bad full of snacks? so you planned this?" you question smiling. jean's eyes widen a little and he looks at you, embarrassment written all over his face. "i-i mean yeah, i did. is there something wrong with that?" 

you shake your head, smile widening a little. "i just think it's cute you planned it." you reply making jean's face flush. "yeah, well, i got your favorite snacks, water, and your favorite drink." jean speaks out pointing towards the bag in the backseat. you turn to grab it and look at the items inside. you felt your heart begin to pound faster, beating hard against your chest. it's the little things that jean does and remembers that make you feel this way. 

you hear the flickering of a lighter and turn to see jean lighting the tip of the blunt as he takes a long and deep hit. he turns to you and offers it, making you out the bag down. you grab the blunt from his hands and take a deep hit as well. "oh shit, the ash tray." jean mutters going into the glove compartment again, pulling it out. you laugh a little at his actions and return the blunt to him. you rotate a few more times in silence before jean speaks up. "so what happened earlier? the eren story i mean." jean looks at you tapping the blunt on the ash tray. you sigh deeply. "i don't even know what happened." you reply, causing jean to furrow his eyebrows. "elaborate." jean hands you the half-way finished blunt. you take a hit returning it back to him. "remember my "talk to eren" plan? well, mikasa and armin tried to suggest the same to eren, that he should talk to me. they thought that it would make it easier for me if was was more willing to talk, but it backfired. that's why eren threw a tantrum this morning. partly. they also revealed that i was attending and well, you know." you explain causing jean to nod his head. 

"but then he ended up coming even after saying he wasn't, and even agreed to share a room with me. i guess mikasa and armin took that as a sign to talk to him again, but it backfired. again. after that, he saw mikasa and armin talk to me out in the back patio. he probably put two and two together, and well, now he's extremely pissed and probably loathes me more than he did before." you finish grabbing the blunt from jean and taking a hit. 

"yeah, that's a lot. you might need that other blunt." jean comments making you laugh. "i'm sorry though, seems like you're in a tougher situation." jean says taking a hit. you nod your head and sigh. "no use thinking about it though, can't change what's already happened." you say feeling more relaxed, like nothing matters. of course, you know that's only because of the weed. you grab the bag of snacks pulling out a bag of chips. "i'm about to demolish these chips." you state making jean laugh. "here, take one last hit before i put it out." jean holds the blunt closer to you. you go to grab the blunt, but jeans pulls it away. "it's gotten to the point where it burns when you hold it, just take the hit while i hold it." jean commands bringing the blunt to your face, you do as he says. jean then takes one last hit himself before putting it on the ashtray. "back to the eren stuff though, just let him cool off. he'll be okay in a day or two." jean assures you grabbing a pack of wild berry skittles from the bag. you nod your head leaning it against the head rest as you watch jean. "wild berry skittles are your favorite huh?" you ask as you watch him throw a few in his mouth. "i mean duh, they're the superior pack of skittles." jean scoffs jokingly. "i know you did not say that when tropical skittles literally exist." you retaliate putting a chip in your mouth. 

"mid." jean flatly states. 

"your fucking existence." 

jean slowly turns his head towards you. "you wanna fight?" 

you look else where in thought. "i could deck you, but i'm feeling nice tonight seeing that you've brought me out here to smoke and eat my favorite snacks." you reply thoughtfully. you hear jean scoff. "yeah, whatever you say." you laugh a little at jean's sassiness and a comfortable silence falls upon the two of you.

"i'm really happy you transferred to our university." jean states quietly. "yeah, me too, i'm finally gonna be going to school with my close friends." you look at the beach in front of you. "yeah and i finally have you close to me." you turn your head towards jean after hearing him say those words just to find him already looking at you. "i actually wanted to talk to you about something." jean states.

"i planned this so i could tell you." 

you nod your head signaling for him to continue. you could hear your heart pounding in your ears. 

"i've liked you since the day i met you, when we were in sixth grade, and my feelings have only grown since. i've always wanted to pursue you, but i never did because of the distance between us. i didn't want to ruin our friendship either. but now that you're close i don't have a reason to hold back, and even if we don't work out romantically i'd think we would be able to stay friends. i know i'm rambling, but i really like you y/n and i want us to become serious." jean confesses. you sit there stunned. nothing could explain how you felt in that moment.

 "you don't have to answer me now if you want to think about it, i just wanted to-" 

"what makes you think i like you romantically?" you ask flatly. jean's face completely deflates, causing you to burst out laughing. "oh my god, no–i'm kidding, i'm sorry, i'm just teasing." you laugh.

"of course i like you has it not been obvious?" you rhetorically ask.

"dude...i just confessed my feelings for you and you say that?" jean questions baffled.

"jean, i'm high. don't expect the best from me in this moment." you respond giggling. "in all seriousness though, i feel the same. i'd like for us to become more than friends." you smile, having longed to say these words. a wide smile appears on jean's face and he breathes out a sigh of relief. "good, i'm happy. i thought you were going to reject me." jean speaks looking out towards the beach. "now why would i do that?" you ask curiously. "well, i don't know. i just thought maybe you got tired of waiting. i mean, i know you've been liking me. at least i assume so." jean looks at you waiting for a response. "well yes, but i just had that if he wanted to he would mindset, you know?" you reply looking out towards the beach. "i did always wonder why you never made the next move, but i guess you finally gave me the answer to that." you turn to him giving a soft smile. "i'm happy." you softly comment. 

"okay, so be my girlfriend." jean declares, turning to look dead at you, a serious expression on his face. your eyes widen greatly, almost popping out. 

"you're asking me out?" 

"yes."

"like right now?"

"yes y/n, right now."

"like...deadass?" 

"i am being a hundred percent serious right now." jean states staring directly into your eyes, he's being genuine. "do you not want to?" he follows up, his expression morphing into a confused one. you shake your head aggressively. "of course i want to be your girlfriend, i've had a crush on you for years dumbass!" you exclaim into jean's face. "okay then, what's the issue?" jean asks in a quiet tone. you sigh.

"i do want you to be my boyfriend, but i'm afraid that right now isn't the right time." you reply lowly. you watch jean's expression distort into a more confused one. "why not?" he presses on. 

you sigh heavily, you finally have the boy of your dreams and here you are denying him. 

"it's really just everything with eren. the fucking idiot hates me! take this morning for example, the moment he found out i was invited to this trip he called you and started bitching. imagine if he found out you and i were dating. that would be an absolute shit show. and i know for a fact that it would destroy the friend group immediately. everyone would be on your side, and it would probably villainize eren. i don't like the dude, but i know you all do, i just don't want to be the cause of broken friendships or fights, you know?" you explain to jean. you just wanted to be on better terms with eren before going public with jean. "especially after tonight with armin and mikasa, it would be a bad idea to go public, at least to eren. we have to keep it hushed until i can get on better terms with him." you look at jean with a hopeful expression. jean's face is now relaxed, but he seemed deep in thought. you understand though, he needs a little time to think about it.

"as much as i hate to say it...you're right. eren would go ballistic at this point if we were to be official." jean sighs.

"but i can't believe i just confessed to the girl i've had a long-term crush on just to be told i have to wait." jean shuts his eyes leaning his head against the steering wheel. "this really fucking sucks." he mutters.

you nod your head agreeing. you really wish things could be different. 

"i'm not saying no to being your girlfriend, i'm just saying that it can't be completely public until the situation is resolved." you say trying to cheer jean up, it works. you see him lift his head quickly. 

"can't be completely public? meaning you'd still tell people?" jean asks with a hopeful expression plastered on his face. you nod your head firmly. "of course, we'd have to tell sasha and connie, they would murder us if we didn't, and although they're eren's best friends i would tell mikasa and armin. they know eren best and know even more than us that telling eren would be the worst idea ever. so they wouldn't dare to. plus mikasa is my girl, i can't leave her out. i'd also tell annie, she was my rock in high school, and lately, i've been leaving her out of things even though we've reunited. so i can't bear to hide this from her. i'd feel bad about not telling reiner and bertholdt because i trust them, but i don't know if you'd be okay with that...i don't want to tell anyone that you're not comfortable with knowing." you explain to jean. you watch jean's lips form a smile.

 "y/n, if it were up to me, i'd let the whole world know." jean confidently states making you smile as well. he always knows the perfect thing to say to make you feel ecstatic. "tell who you want, the more the better. just make sure you can trust them." jean states, looking at you. 

"yes sir." you state nodding your head. you feel like the happiest girl in the world. 

"after all that serious talk i feel like i sobered up quite a bit." jean looks at you. "what are you trying to say kirstein?" you ask narrowing your eyes at him. "are you up for the other blunt?" he asks. "mm...why not, we might as well since it's there, plus you're right i feel like i've sobered up during our talk." you respond nodding your head. jean reaches for the glove compartment pulling out the other blunt. taking it out he lights the tip and hands it to you. "ladies first." jean smiles. you roll your eyes grabbing it and taking a long hit. you hand it back to jean as you blow out the smoke coughing a little. "took that one like a champ." jean laughs causing you to laugh and cough.

"one question though, what are we calling this?" jean questions taking a hit. "i mean, like if someone were to ask me if i'm dating someone, what should i say? i have a girlfriend? or that i'm single?" jean hands you the blunt. you take a hit, blowing out the smoking from the side of your mouth, narrowing your eyes at him. "jean, do you have any cognitive skills?...of course you're not going to say you're single! are you fucking stupid?" you exclaim handing the blunt back to him. "then what do i say?!" jean blurts out. you roll your eyes, he really is an idiot sometimes. "jean, you can say anything you'd like. you can say i have a girlfriend, i have someone i like, i'm talking to someone, i'm seeing someone, literally anything other than i'm single." you respond flatly. jean nods his head slowly. "sorry...i'm a little slow when it comes to thinking right now..." jean sheepishly smiles. "well no shit, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out." you respond letting out a laugh. 

"look, we're exclusive, so i don't want you telling other girls you're single alright?" jean nods his head vigorously. "yes ma'am." 

you smile at his response. "good." 

jean gives you the blunt back and you take another hit, enjoying the peaceful silence between the two of you. it goes on like this until you both finish the blunt. 

"you wanna go take a walk on the beach?" jean proposes as he eats one of the snacks from the bag. "yeah, let's go." you nod your head taking a sip of your drink. the two of you get out of the car leaving your shoes and phones behind, making your way towards the beach. "i like when the moon is in it's crescent phase, it's pretty." you state looking up at the sky. "the stars as well, i've never seen this many in the sky before." you say in awe. "yeah, it's cause there isn't a lot of light pollution out here making the stars more visible." jean explains looking at you as you stare at the sky, a soft smile on his face. "but you're right, the moon...is beautiful, isn't it?" jean softly lets out. you look at him and nod your head flashing him a smile. "it really is." you look back at the sky and jean continues to stare at you in awe. he couldn't believe that he finally had the girl of his dreams. "let's go walk along the shoreline!" you suggest grabbing jean's hand pulling him along. "sweatpants at the beach wasn't my best idea." jean laughs as the two of you come to a halt. jean quickly rolls them up as best as he can and the two of you continue until you make it to the shoreline. jean grabs your hand and the two of you begin walking, laughing and talking about anything. 

"you think it's a bad idea for us to wear matching necklaces now that we're a thing?" jean asks looking at the crystal necklace that hung around your neck. you shake your head. "nah, i mean we got them before you confessed, plus we're best friends, i don't think anyone is going to give it much thought. except sasha and connie, but they can be airheads sometimes, they might not even notice." you laugh making jean chuckle. "you're right, you're right." jean responds. "of course i am, i'm always right matter of fact." you jokingly state making jean roll his eyes. "yeah...okay princess, whatever you say." jean playfully teases twirling you around. 

"wowww, so you confess your feelings for me and now your not taking me seriously?...i should've known better not to expect much from you, you're an ethpañol..." you state pulling your hand away. 

"y/n...shut up." jean deadpans making you bust out laughing, nothing made you laugh more than jean's reactions when you make fun of him. "you act like i'm connected to my spanish roots, i only know the language cause of you and connie, not because of my dad. i don't know him!" jean exclaims. "sorry jean-boy, your reactions are just too funny, can't help teasing you." you laugh lightly. before you could process it jean picks you up bridal style and carries you a little deeper into the water.

"funny huh? well how funny is it going to be when i drop you in the water." jean threatens.

"you wouldn't," you retort. 

"says who?" jean replies teasingly. 

"me because if you do we're done." you state flashing jean a smile. 

without another word jean turns around heading back to shore. 

sasha's right, this man really is whipped... 

"so you said you'd break up with me if i drop you in the water, but you didn't say anything about sand." jean states as he holds you. 

"jean, wait no-" before you could say anything else your ass hits the sand and jean is laughing at you. without hesitation you get up and start chasing after the 6'4 man-child. but of course, due to his athletic build and height you aren't able to catch him. 

you stop running after him trying to catch your breath, unlike you, jean has a lot of stamina. plus, you find it more difficult to run in the sand. noticing you at a halt, jean takes this opportunity of you being distracted to sneak up behind you and grab you by the waist. you let out a small scream which causes jean to laugh as he hugs you from behind. 

jean lowers his head so it closer to yours. "you say teasing me is fun, but teasing you is even better, i swear." jean lowly states in your ear, causing blood to rush up to your face. you feel him leave a kiss on your cheek, following down until he gets to your neck. he lightly bites your skin making your breath hitch. jean smiles against your neck going in a bit harder. you let out a shaky breath, your mind fuzzy. you know you're high, but this feeling isn't because of that, but because of jean. 

"jean—we can't do this here, people might see us," you let out in a low shaky voice. 

"do what?" jean mutters against the skin of your neck, leaving wet kisses.

 "you k–now what you're doing jean, we can't do this in a public place." you feel jean grip your waist massaging your sides a little. you couldn't help but to lean into him, his touch felt amazing. jean lifts his head, his mouth next to your ear. 

"but i'm not doing anything." he whispers teasingly. you turn your head slightly towards him allowing  him to kiss your cheek. he didn't waste a moment to grasp your lips with his, kissing you slow and gently. although jean is as tall as he is, the position in which you were in restricted the two of you. so without breaking the kiss you turn around to face jean. gripping your waist tighter, he pulls you in as close as possible, leaving no room between the two of you. you move your hands onto his shoulder slowly dragging them up his neck, cupping his face. jean begins kissing you aggressively and with more desire. you find yourself unable to resist him, your mind fuzzy, and tingles surging through your body. you are almost in something like trance as you make out with jean, you want more and more with every passing moment. 

"fuck, do you ever run out of breath?" jean pulls away breathing heavy. you giggle a little breathing heavy as well. staring at each other you take in the other's features as you try to catch your breaths.

"as much as i'd love to continue that, we can't." jean pecks your lips one last time. you drop your hands from his face letting jean grab one of your hands, he pulls himself away and begins to walks towards the ocean pulling you along with him. "let's sit for a bit," jean suggests looking at you. you nod your head and go to sit down, but jean stops you. "sit between my legs so you lay against my chest." jean urges. nodding your head you let jean sit down first, following after. after getting situated, jean's wraps his arms around your waist letting you relax into his body. closing your eyes you lay your head against his shoulder. jean takes this moment to kiss the top of your head causing a smile to appear on your face. "what are you smiling about?" jean chuckles looking out toward the dark ocean.

"i'm smiling about sasha." you deadpan.

"wait, what? really?" jean asks seriously. 

"no dumbass, i'm smiling because of you." you laugh. 

"you really don't have any cognitive skills...i'm getting worried about you kirstein." you fake a concerned tone making jean laugh. "yeah, whatever, it doesn't matter if i do or don't i'll just have you make every decision for me." jean states boldly. 

"is that so? so you'll do anything i tell you to do?" you question him giggling. jean nods his head vigorously. "absolute compliance."

"hmm, interesting, i'll keep that in mind for later." you comment softly. 

"what's that supposed to mean?" jean asks tone laced with curiousness. 

"i don't know...you'll have to wait and see." you reply innocently. jean looks up towards the sky and sighs. "you do things to me l/n." 

you laugh at his comment and silence falls upon the two of you. you stay like this for quite awhile, enjoying each other's company. jean would occasionally kiss the top of your head and massage your sides or thighs, but nothing more. you found yourself almost falling asleep in his embrace. 

"time has passed by quickly." jean breaks the silence. you reply with a simple "mhm" too tired to give a proper answer. 

"since you seem to be falling asleep on me, why don't we head back?" jean whispers giving your sides a rub to fully wake you up from your sleepy state, making you get up

"yeah...i really want some sleep, we've been out for a while." you yawn covering your mouth. jean agrees as he gets up himself. grabbing your hand he pulls you along towards his car. he walks you to the passenger side, opening the door for you and closing it once your inside. he then walks over to the driver's side getting in as well. yawning, jean grabs his phone to check the time, but his eyes nearly pop out of his head when his screen turns on. not only was it a quarter after midnight, but his notification bar was filled to the brim with messages and missed calls from his friends.

"y/n...you should um, check your phone if you haven't" jean voices quietly as he's still staring at his phone screen, shocked. you furrow your eyes at his words and grab your phone from the center console of the car. just like jean's your eyes widen at the massive amount of missed calls, messages, and even facetime calls you have in your notification bar. the majority of them from connie and sasha, but mainly connie. "yeah...i have about a thousand messages and calls from the group." you state flatly pursing your lips into a straight line. "yeah, i have like a thousand death threats from connie." jean comments making you laugh, jean chuckling as well. 

"yeah, he's in my messages talking about i should've told him and that he's going to kill you when we get back. that was sent like an hour ago tho, so he's probably asleep by now." you assure jean as you scroll through the messages. "i didn't realize how late it is, time flew by so fast i honestly thought it was ten thirty at most." jean sighs as he locks his phone, putting his key into the ignition of his car, turning it on. 

"same, i can't believe it's almost twelve thirty." you mention locking your phone as well. with it being the middle of the night, the roads were empty allowing jean to make what is a fifteen to twenty minute drive into a five minute one. "well at least i won't get bitched at until tomorrow morning." jean states as the two of you get out of his car. you and jean walk in the door quietly,   finding yourselves in front of upset connie. 

"me van a decir en que puta parte estuvieron?" connie flatly asks as he crosses his arms like an angry mom.

"we were at the beach." jean responds quietly. "doing que exactly?" connie asks narrowing his eyes at jean. "hanging out, talking, eating some snacks." jean explains a bit timidly. in any normal circumstances jean would never be this scared of connie, but when it comes to you, connie does not play. jean knows how much you matter to connie, his anger is justified in this sense. you nod your head agreeing with jean's statement looking at connie hesitantly. you know you fucked up. connie always tells you to let him know when your going out so he doesn't have to worry and you didn't this time. 

"we left our phones in the car and i forgot to text you i was out because of it." you tell connie trying to reduce his anger. a minute of awkward silence passes before you hear connie sigh. "it's fine, i was just really worried since the two of you were gone for hours and didn't tell anybody, it only got worse when neither of you answered your phones." connie explains rubbing his head. you could tell how stressed the two of you made connie, by the simple fact that he is still awake shows you how worried he was. connie loves his sleep, he's not one to want to stay up every night, so the fact that he's up passed midnight after not properly sleeping the night before really says something. 

"i'm really tired so i'm gonna go to bed since i know you two are safe, i'll see you two tomorrow." connie yawns waving the two of you off. you and jean watch as connie walks up the stair towards his room waiting until he's out of sight before you turn towards each other. the two of you burst out into the most quiet laughter you could muster. 

"i feel bad for making him worry, but he looks so funny when he's angry." jean comments making you nod his head. "i know he reminds me of my mom when he's like that." you laugh. 

"let's go put the remaining snacks in the kitchen before we go to bed." jean states walking towards the kitchen with the bag, you following behind. leaning on the kitchen island you watch as jean puts away all the snacks. once he's done he turns around to face you. "you didn't even help me." jean expresses looking at you. "i did help, i was your emotional support." you smile up at jean making him scoff. "whatever." 

you look at the time on the stove. "i guess it's time we head up to bed." you say sadly. jean nods his head slowly pressing his lips into a straight line. "are you going to be alright sharing a room with eren for a week?" jean asks out of the blue. "i think so, yeah why?" you ask furrowing your brows. "i'm just—not okay with it, i wan't you to share a room with me not him." jean replies childishly. you laugh at his response finding it endearing. "aw, you're jealous." you tease him.

"yeah and what about it?" jean huffs.

"jean i'll be alright. you don't have to be jealous, i can assure you eren doesn't want me in any type of way. i mean, you've seen it yourself with how he talks to and about me." you assure jean. he sighs. "i know, i know, it's childish, but now that we're a thing i really don't want to be apart from you." jean responds rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands. 

"jean you're such a simp oh my god." you laugh. it's true, the guy seemed like a puppy with separation anxiety. 

"shut uppp." jean drags out, a pink tint coating his cheeks. "i'm done with this conversation, good night." jean states getting ready to leave. before you could reply back jean catches you off-guard by pecking your lips before walking out the kitchen, leaving you shocked. it takes you a moment to gather your thoughts before you also leave the kitchen to go up to your room. as you walk up the stairs you thought back on the last few hours smiling to yourself, you're happy. the moment you opened the door to your room, your smile fell. you told jean that you'd be alright sharing a room with eren, but you honestly wish you could just switch with connie and sleep with jean. you don't even think you'll be able to sleep next to eren knowing how much he dislikes you, it's un-nerving. plus, it's already really late, if you were to get into bed right now, chances are you're going to wake up the freak and make him hate you even more. you also wouldn't want someone disturbing your sleep like that so you'd feel bad if you did it to someone else.

i'll just sleep down stairs on the couch for the night and make up early tomorrow before anyone can notice i slept there.

quietly you take off your hoodie putting it up and begin gathering what you need, a blanket, pillow, and phone charger. before you leave the room, you look for your selenite that you packed. once you find it you put it on the bedside table and take off your green aventurine necklace putting it next to the selenite. after, you grab your stuff and silently leave the room making sure to not create a single noise. you make your way down stairs and quickly plug your phone into the wall next to the couch so you could go to sleep. unlocking your phone, you quickly set an alarm for 6:30 so you can wake up before anyone else. no one can find out you slept on the couch. you go to put your phone on do not disturb when your phone pings, signaling a message.

[you change his name in your phone the moment you see he texted you lol] 

chat:

jean<3: ik i already said good night, but i also wanted to say thank you. i had lots of fun tonight and it made me really happy. sweet dreams pretty girl, i'll see you tomorrow <3

*you heart the message* 

you: same, i haven't had that much fun in a while, thank you for taking me out. (: good night jean <3

a huge smile graces your features as you stare at the screen. this boy is going to make your heart explode. you quickly put your phone on dnd and place it on the coffee table next to the couch. you lay down making yourself comfortable and swiftly fall into a deep sleep. 

-

ring ring ring, ring ring ring 

you wake up to the sound of your alarm. groaning, you sit up and turn it off. 6:30 am read the screen. sighing you quickly unplug your phone and charger, gathering your things so you can take them up stairs. the sun doesn't start rising until seven, so you believed that no one would be awake, you were wrong. you expected for eren to be asleep when you opened the door, but what you found was an empty, well-made bed. furrowing your eyebrows you turn your head towards the bathroom, the lights are on, indicating that eren's there. it shocked you to see him up so early, you thought he'd be the type to sleep in if anything. folding your blanket you put it on the bed along with your pillow. you then grab your crystal necklace from the bedside table and put it on. 

sitting on the bed and you begin scrolling through your phone apps, patiently waiting for eren to leave the bathroom. after several minutes, you hear eren unlock the bathroom door causing you to snap your head towards it. the door opens to reveal a freshly showered eren who's drying his hair. he wore some bummy clothes and in all honesty, looked kind of attractive. you would never admit that though.

after scanning his outfit you look up to towards his face to find him already staring at you. anytime eren would look at you his expression would always contort into disgust, but today it didn't. his features are calm and relaxed as he stares at you, as if he's in deep thought. 

you get up from the bed and begin walking towards the bathroom. you expected eren to move out of the way, but he doesn't. 

"um, can i get through?" you softly ask looking behind him into the bathroom. you were now much closer to eren than before, seeing him stare at you at this close range makes you uneasy. eren's expression didn't falter as he nodded moving to the side to let you pass. you instantaneously walk in, shutting and locking the door behind you. it's true you hated when eren looked at you with anger or disgust, but something about his calm and relaxed face is even worse, he becomes unreadable. you don't know what he's thinking at all and it makes you anxious.

sighing, you rub your eyes with your palms and walk over to the counter to brush your teeth and wash your face. as your doing that you begin to recollect the previous night. before leaving with jean, mikasa and armin pissed eren off, and then further made him mad when he saw them talking to you. it weirds you out that instead of lashing out when he saw you again, he acted calm. it just seemed so...out of character for him. 

after washing your face you look in the mirror and sigh, now you had to do what you currently dreaded, to leave the bathroom. you can only hope that he already left the room. taking a deep breath you walk out the bathroom into the room. the first thing you see is eren, sitting on the bed where you were, staring straight into your eyes. 

he breaks eye contact to swiftly scan your body before meeting your eyes again, his face emotionless just like before. you felt perplexed, but nevertheless you ignore him walking past to grab your hoodie from the closet.

"you didn't sleep in this room last night." eren comments flatly looking straight ahead. you finish putting the hoodie over your head and turn around to look at eren, a confused expression on your face. 

"i did not." you reply reaching into your hoodie to take out the necklace, making it visible. 

"why?" eren questions his voice monotone. 

"i stayed up pretty late, felt that it would be rude of me to get into bed and wake you up in the middle of the night." you simply explain. 

although you aren't externally showing it, internally you are losing it, you can't grasp why eren's showing calm attitude towards you. 

"where did you sleep then?" eren continues his interrogation still looking ahead. 

"i slept down stairs, on the couch." you reply trying to see where this conversation leads to. 

eren becomes silent for a minute creating more tension in the room.

"why are you being considerate towards me? don't you hate me?" eren turns his head to you waiting a response. 

what is this? why does this even matter to him... 

you blink a few times trying to gather your thoughts after hearing that question. 

"i asked why are you-"

"i simply wouldn't want someone waking me up in the middle of the night trying to get into bed, so why would i do it to anyone else? it's inconsiderate." you cut him off answering his question. 

eren looks away from you. "makes sense." he mutters. 

you nod your head slowly even though he can't see you, the awkward tension in the room is absolutely suffocating. looking at eren it seems to you that he's finished so you start walking towards the door to leave. "yeah...um, see you." you utter softly reaching for the door handle.

"so you hung out with jean?" 

you stop dead in your tracks and turn around to look at eren. you found him already staring at you from where he sits. 

"i mean, yeah?" you hesitantly say looking around the room.

"why do you sound unsure?" eren asks plainly. 

"i did hang out with jean, i'm just confused as to why you're asking and stating all these things." you confess looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. eren's face remains blank, steady, and unemotional as he turns and stares forward toward the bathroom.

"what did the two of you do?" eren continues ignoring your statement, making you even more puzzled.

"um, we smoked, hung out on the beach, and just—talked." you answer. upon hearing your reply you notice eren's expression change slightly. although very subtle, you took notice in the slight furrow of his eyebrows.

"is that really all you did?" eren turns towards you looking at you dead in the eye. you furrow your eyebrows at his question. realization of what he's implying hits you quickly. 

"what the fuck is that suppose to mean? yeah that's all we did." you answer angrily keeping your voice down as much as possible. you notice a change in eren's demeanor. 

"i don't believe you." 

you scoff at eren's statement rolling your eyes. "i don't care if you don't believe me, it's not your business to know what jean and i did or didn't do." you state clearly annoyed. "jean's not the type of guy to do that on a beach." 

"so if the circumstances were different, you would fuck jean?" he asks, a bored expression on his face. your facial expression falls into one of pure disbelief at eren's bold question. you can't phantom the reason to why he's asking this. 

"no. jean and i are just friends as it stands." you state coldly looking at eren with disgust. 

why the fuck am i even putting up with this bullshit... 

"wait, why are you even asking this? in fact why are you even talking to me right now?" you question eren. you're over it, you want to be on good terms with eren, but all he does is piss you off.

sighing deeply eren leans back onto the bed using his hands to prop up his upper body. "i'm just trying to...warn you, i guess." he speaks cooly. you shake your head slightly not being able to understand what he's saying. 

"i'm not following you...explain what you're "warning" me about." you say doing air quotations. 

eren rolls his eyes as he sits up. "look, i know you and jean have liked each other since way back when and i see how the two of you act together, getting matching necklaces and shit." eren points at the necklace around your neck. 

"but he's not as perfect as he makes himself seem when he's around you. i'm trying to tell you that you shouldn't date him. the two of you would be better off without each other." eren explains looking around the room. 

"do you even know how many girlfriends and talking stages he's had? or why they ended?" eren looks at you. you shake your head no, you never asked. you know jean had girlfriends before, he would mention them sometimes in the past, but it never was in great detail. 

"i can't even recall the amount, it's just that many. jean gets bored easily. he loves the chase, but loses all feelings when he bags them." eren explains. 

"now see with you, you've been this long term chase, the reason he likes you so much is because he couldn't have you before." eren points at you. you shake your head in disbelief. 

"no, jean never even tried before. yeah he has been nice to me all this time, but he never initiated anything to try to date me, so that's not true." you explain recalling your past with jean. 

eren shakes his head. "of course he didn't, think about it, you and jean met through connie, right? you only saw each other on weekends or breaks. jean would never date someone who's far away. but see, now you're close. i bet he's been nicer lately, and clingy. he's going to make his move if he hasn't already. the chase after you is coming to an end and so will his feelings for you." 

as much as you don't like it, eren's words are making sense. jean never made his move until last night...plus, ever since you moved into the same apartment complex, he started being even more flirty than before. he's way more clingy now as well, wanting to facetime nightly. everything is playing out just the way eren's describing it.

you stood there silent and shocked, looking down at your feet. you can't deny eren's words as much as you want to. 

"why are you telling me this? don't you hate me?" you quietly ask. "wouldn't it be better if jean breaks my heart? wouldn't that make you happy?"

huffing eren stands up walking closer, towering over you. your eyes are still glued to the ground. "i mean, yeah, of course, but i'm not an idiot. my friend group has become attached to you. if jean were to break your heart, it would pit everyone against him, creating problems and fights within the group. i wouldn't let my friend group get destroyed just so i could see you upset, you're not the worth that." you look up at eren and roll your eyes. for once, you thought he wasn't going to insult you, but of course, he'd never miss the opportunity. 

"plus." eren steps closer. "jean is one of my bestfriends, he might get on my nerves and we might fight a lot, but i care about him. i want what's best for him, and you're definitely not it." eren looks down at you cynically. "if anything you'd be the worst for him." 

ouch.

you don't respond to eren. instead you look straight ahead into his chest, you couldn't bring yourself to look at him in the eye. eren doesn't understand the weight of his words. although he said them to hurt you, he doesn't know how you've always felt like you're not worthy of dating jean. you aren't of his status. you're both so different when it comes to your cultural and economic background. growing up you would beat yourself up over having a crush on jean, because you believed that jean would be better off with someone that shared a similar background. eren didn't need to tell you what you already know. 

with the most straight face you could muster, you look up at eren. "you're right." 

eren furrows his eyebrows at your words, he wonders why you aren't fighting him or at least disagreeing. if anything, it's what he expected you to do.

"did you just...agree with me?" eren narrows his eyes at you. you're confusing him. 

you nod your head lowering your eyes from his, knowing that if you looked any longer you would cry. and that's the last thing you'd want to do. 

you begin to turn around to leave, you can't handle anymore of eren's words. 

"wait, why aren't you fighting me about this? this isn't like you...don't you have feeling for jean? are you not going to fight for his sake?" eren frantically questions making you even more emotional. you reach out for the doorknob, opening the door. 

"change of heart–" your voice cracks. you don't spare a second and begin to walk out the room. 

"glad you're starting to know where you belong." you hear lastly as you shut the door behind you. 

[i know i'm writing in second/third person, but i'm switching strictly to eren's perspective from here, if that makes sense.]

i might've been too harsh with her just now... 

hearing the crack of your voice makes eren feel bad. it wasn't his intention to make you cry, he just wants you to distance yourself from his friends. 

eren lets out a deep sigh sitting back down on the bed, he did what he needed to do so it doesn't matter. he made you understand that you don't belong, and if anything he shouldn't be feeling bad for you, he should be happy, celebrating, you deserve it. 

eren looks around the room trying to clear his thoughts of the conversation he just had with you. 

but he can't. 

"fuck..." eren mutters covering his face with his hands and resting his elbows on his knees.

"maybe i'm the one who's had a change of heart." 

-

OH MY GOD HI okay so it's 2 am and i finally finished this chapter. yes this an eren fanfic despite what you've just read. i did put the disclaimer that this is a slight!jean x reader SOOOO. anyways, sorry for being gone, school had me in a chokehold, i dropped two classes so yay me, i'm like extremely behind on my degree path.😍😍😍

i wanted to make this chapter like 5k words longer than my previous one to make up for the 2-3 months i didn't update, but it ended up with 16k words more than my previous chapter LOL.  

what is your favorite part of this chapter? 

i tried some new things with my writing style in this chapter, so let me know how you liked it (: i'm a perfectionist when it comes to things i really care about/i know other people are going to see so i overthink a lot when i reread my own writing. i also go to school for english ed so formal, mla formant writing has been beaten into my head, which sucks. i try to write casual/informal and i think i do it fine, but it pains me D: 

i tried to develop the main friendships more with this chapter if you didn't notice, and i think i did it well. i'll definitely bond y/n with the others in later chapters, i'm not leaving them out!! 

a lot of jean moments, i hope you enjoyed!! i've been obsessed with him lately, might begin brainstorming a fanfic for him...i don't know, we'll see.🤔

also! i'm going to write a loid forger fanfic [or one-shot] i'm still deciding which. it'd be nsfw so look out for that if your interested, will be posted on wattpad, ao3, and tumblr, of course. 

remember to check out my pinterest board and spotify playlist for tyant! links in tiktok bio!

share please!!!

bye <3

[my-shields-are-down]

Because of my mom (who died 21 yrs ago today), I am fluent in the science of English.

I know grammar, how to spell, sentence structure, the art of flow. 3-5-20 pages essays, papers, and stories have a beginning, middle and a definitive end.

For the past several months, I have spent 85% of my free time writing. Churning out stories infused with humor, sweetness and grace, silly characters who make funny, sly, cutting comments about cows, feelings and mythical creatures.

Some racy, some sturdy and serious, and some ridiculous, but all are me thanking her for this gift.

Up until now, I always wanted to write but I never thought I was good enough. Math and science are my jam. For my job, I specialize in streamlining complicated systems, processes and workflows at hyper-growth hi-tech manufacturing and software companies. That analytical science based mind is all Dad. He was a climatologist for NOAA for 30+ years.

Both my parents loved to read. Our house was full of books. I read all of them. AndI have always wanted to write. For fun. To be published. My bucket list has being published in the New Yorker as one of the items. That was never going to happen unless I actually started writing. So this year I did.

My mom was an English Scholar who got her PhD in Medieval Literature. Her doctoral thesis was on Emily Dickinson’s use of punctuation as a humor device. Yeah. She was such a smarty-pants. When she walked across the stage to receive her diploma (while 8.75 months pregnant with me, mind you) her advisor gave her a wide berth on stage lest her body decide then and there I needed to come out. Her advisor being Norman Maclean, who wrote ‘A River Runs Through It’. Later made into a major motion picture staring Tom Skerritt and Brad Pitt.

One of my favorite Mom stories…. The summer before starting high school, I was given a list of 30-40 “classics” and I was to choose 5 of them to read. A lot of my friends chose the shortest ones, or the ones that had Cliff’s Notes for them. My mom did something very different.

By the time I got to high school, I was a voracious and very speedy reader. I could easily read 500 pages a day if I enjoyed what I was reading. She had me read the first chapter of all of the books on the list. That way I could make an informed choice. Which authors did I struggle to read, which bored me to tears, which created an alternative universe that I wanted to learn more about and which ones couldn’t I put down. I ended up with 7 books I still own and reread on occasion and I am forever grateful she didn’t let me take the easy way out.

A Separate Peace, The Odyssey, Pride and Prejudice, A Catcher in the Rye, The Great Gatsby, A Farewell to Arms, and Tulip and Chimneys (ee cummings).

Miss you Mom (1942 -2001)

[7r0773r]

The Autobiography of Malcolm X as Told to Alex Haley

Any person who claims to have deep feeling for other human beings should think a long, long time before he votes to have other men kept behind bars—caged. I am not saying there shouldn’t be prisons, but there shouldn’t be bars. Behind bars, a man never reforms. He will never forget. He never will get completely over the memory of the bars. (p. 155)

***

I saw that the best thing I could do was get hold of a dictionary to study, to learn some words. I was lucky enough to reason also that I should try to improve my penmanship. It was sad. I couldn't even write in a straight line. It was both ideas together that moved me to request a dictionary along with some tablets and pencils from the Norfolk Prison Colony school.

I spent two days just riffling uncertainly through the dictionary's pages. I'd never realized so many words existed! I didn't know which words I needed to learn. Finally, just to start some kind of action, I began copying.

In my slow, painstaking, ragged handwriting, I copied into my tablet everything printed on that first page, down to the punctuation marks.

I believe it took me a day. Then, aloud, I read back, to myself, everything I'd written on the tablet. Over and over, aloud, to myself, I read my own handwriting.

I woke up the next morning, thinking about those words—immensely proud to realize that not only had I written so much at one time, but I'd written words that I never knew were in the world. Moreover, with a little effort, I also could remember what many of these words meant. I reviewed the words whose meanings I didn't remember. Funny thing, from the dictionary first page right now, that "aardvark" springs to my mind. The dictionary had a picture of it, a long-tailed, long-eared, burrowing African mammal, which lives off termites caught by sticking out its tongue as an anteater does for ants.

I was so fascinated that I went on—I copied the dictionary's next page. And the same experience came when I studied that. With every succeeding page, I also learned of people and places and events from history. Actually the dictionary is like a miniature encyclopedia. Finally the dictionary's A section had filled a whole tablet—and I went on into the B's. That was the way I started copying what eventually became the entire dictionary. It went a lot faster after so much practice helped me to pick up handwriting speed. Between what I wrote in my tablet, and writing letters, during the rest of my time in prison I would guess I wrote a million words.

I suppose it was inevitable that as my word-base broadened, I could for the first time pick up a book and read and now begin to understand what the book was saying. Anyone who has read a great deal can imagine the new world that opened. Let me tell you something: from then until I left that prison, in every free moment I had, if I was not reading in the library, I was reading on my bunk. You couldn't have gotten me out of books with a wedge. Between Mr. Muhammad's teachings, my correspondence, my visitors—usually Ella and Reginald—and my reading of books, months passed without my even thinking about being imprisoned. In fact, up to then, I never had been so truly free in my life. (pp. 175-76)

***

I told the Englishman that my alma mater was books, a good library. Every time I catch a plane, I have with me a book that I want to read—and that's a lot of books these days. If I weren't out here every day battling the white man, I could spend the rest of my life reading, just satisfying my curiosity—because you can hardly mention anything I'm not curious about. I don't think anybody ever got more out of going to prison than I did. In fact, prison enabled me to study far more intensively than I would have if my life had gone differently and I had attended some college. I imagine that one of the biggest troubles with colleges is there are too many distractions, too much panty-raiding, fraternities, and boola-boola and all of that. Where else but in a prison could I have attacked my ignorance by being able to study intensely sometimes as much as fifteen hours a day? (p. 183)

***

That morning was when I first began to reappraise the "white man." It was when I first began to perceive that "white man," as commonly used, means complexion only secondarily; primarily it described attitudes and actions. In America, "white man" meant specific attitudes and actions toward the black man, and toward all other non-white men. But in the Muslim world, I had seen that men with white complexions were more genuinely brotherly than anyone else had ever been.

That morning was the start of a radical alteration in my whole outlook about "white" men. (p. 340)

***

My thinking had been opened up wide in Mecca. In the long letters I wrote to friends, I tried to convey to them my new insights into the American black man's struggle and his problems, as well as the depths of my search for truth and justice.

"I've had enough of someone else's propaganda," I had written to these friends. "I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being first and foremost, and as such I'm for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole." (p. 373)

***

I am in agreement one hundred per cent with those racists who say that no government laws ever can force brotherhood. The only true world solution today is governments guided by true religion—of the spirit. Here in race-torn America, I am convinced that the Islam religion is desperately needed, particularly by the American black man. The black man needs to reflect that he has been America's most fervent Christian—and where has it gotten him? In fact, in the white man's hands, in the white man's interpretation . . . where has Christianity brought this world?

It has brought the non-white two-thirds of the human population to rebellion. Two-thirds of the human population today is telling the one-third minority white man, "Get out!" And the white man is leaving. And as he leaves, we see the non-white peoples returning in a rush to their original religions, which had been labeled "pagan" by the conquering white man. Only one religion—Islam—had the power to stand and fight the white man's Christianity for a thousand years! Only Islam could keep white Christianity at bay. (p. 376)

***

Anyway, now, each day I live as if I am already dead, and I tell you what I would like for you to do. When I am dead—I say 4 that way because from the things I know, I do not expect to live long enough to read this book in its finished form—I want you to just watch and see if I'm not right in what I say: that the white man, in his press, is going to identify me with "hate."

He will make use of me dead, as he has made use of me alive, as a convenient symbol of "hatred"—and that will help him to escape facing the truth that all I have been doing is holding up a mirror to reflect, to show, the history of unspeakable crimes that his race has committed against my race.

You watch. I will be labeled as, at best, an "irresponsible" black man. I have always felt about this accusation that the black "leader" whom white men consider to be "responsible" is invariably the black "leader' who never gets any results. You only get action as a black man if you are regarded by the white man as "irresponsible." In fact, this much I had learned when I was just a little boy. And since I have been some kind of a "leader" of black people here in the racist society of America, I have been more reassured each time the white man resisted me, or attacked me harder—because each time made me more certain that I was on the right track in the American black man's best interests. The racist white man's opposition automatically made me know that I did offer the black man something worthwhile.

Yes, I have cherished my "demagogue" role. I know that societies often have killed the people who have helped to change those societies. And if I can die having brought any light, having exposed any meaningful truth that will help to destroy the racist cancer that is malignant in the body of America—then, all of the credit is due to Allah. Only the mistakes have been mine. (pp. 388-89)

[jngsjngs]

(if its not too personal) what was the specific instance that not only made you want to write hsc but to share it with us too?

i’ve always loved to write and in all honesty knew i was pretty good at it (if only because i had the support of so many incredible teachers over the years) but the most i had ever done was the occasional essay and a group project in high school in which we had to write a script and record it (sort of like an audio book). although daydreaming was a daily occurrence that project was my only attempt at fiction for several years because the thought of putting words down on paper seemed oddly perplexing. i genuinely thought nothing i had to say was worth anyone’s time so publishing my work or even reading it aloud was an impossibility.

in hindsight a lot of my insecurities stemmed from a severe case of imposter syndrome (and it’s still a burden i carry now). i don’t think i learned the significance of sharing until i took my first creative writing course a few years later. so many of my peers poured their hearts into the pieces they brought to class and i would have never known that sense of community had they not been brave enough to invite other people into their world. i’m not sure if i was inspired to write hsc solely because of that but at the very least all of these experiences gave me the confidence to believe it was actually possible.

at that point of my life my depression had taken a turn for the worst and the only place i could find solace was in stories. i read so many books and watched just as many shows but after finishing them i realized that there were only a few i felt deeply enough. something about that was incredibly isolating. looking back it was probably because mainstream media wasn’t discussing mental health to the extent that they do now so i had no idea other people struggled with it the way that i did. i came up with hsc because i wanted to be a part of that conversation in case even one person could relate.

sometimes i feel selfish because i wish i received more comments and sometimes i’m sad because a few of the ones i do receive are criticisms (sometimes constructive and sometimes not). often i get frustrated because i’m not the best at execution and even more often than that i get excited because i can recognize how much i’ve improved. most days i’m happy because those who reach out (on tumblr and ao3 in particular) are only ever kind. but i am always content because i am able to feel deeply regardless, and because i never feel as alone as i once did.

as i’ve said before rei as a character isn’t based entirely on me as a person but it’s only natural that my experiences helped shaped some of hers. i think that’s the most important part. after all, the people who read hsc come from all over the world and have lived so many experiences of their own. despite our differences there is something about the story that brings us together and it’s for that reason i continue to write it. thank u for ur patience and support all these years. i don’t think i’ve quite mastered how to express my gratitude but i hope u know wherever u are that i appreciate u.

p.s. the sun is rising and i have not slept so this might be totally incoherent (the lack of punctuation doesn’t help at all i’m sure) i apologize for the strain on ur eyes but if u made it this far i am all the more grateful