#and now im like wtf i hate myself
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camp camp in 2022 becuz we never got enough mom!gwen art of her and spacekid, and i am still thinking ab it
#been thinkin ab them lately#space kid is so attached 2 her why did like almost every1 ignore dis#if any freaks reblog this i will get you . hate 2 clarify this but i still dont trust this fandom#LOVE U GUYS THAT ARENT FREAKS <33#camp camp#mom!gwen#mom gwen#typing mom is normal now this is weird i am english ... wtf#betraying myself#gwen#space kid#neil jr#cc#art#sketchy rendering is my passion now it is so low presh and fast now that i kinda kno what im doing !!!
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NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH
#but literally like#that’s exactly what happens now#AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY#LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy#‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on??????#YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK#the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!!#all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again#and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!!#you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them#i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore#AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE#literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore#you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again#the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again#‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you#i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care#v#belle speaks
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i can't believe I just watched two men (metaphysical beings?) skate around their obvious love for one another for twelve hours only for them to ask each other out, kiss, and break up within five minutes and cut to credits?!? i am physically unwell. neil gaiman you better sleep with one eye open bc i'm COMING FOR YOU.
#good omens#good omens 2#aziraphale#crowley#neil gaiman#I WAS SO CONFIDENT#my father didnt believe it could be but i looked him right on in the eyes and said father#i know these things. i see the subtext that your feeble mind is missing. those two absolutely want to get down with it#no way theyre just baiting us. neil would NEVER right??#i forced that man to wager an entire dollar that they would end up together.#AND THEN I WATCHED WHATEVER THE HELL THAT WAS WTF I HATE EVERYTHING#I BRACED MYSELF FOR QUEERBAIT NOT QUEERHEARTBREAK#how tf did i miss tumblr posting ab this and not ineffable bureaucracy???#did the site not go down out of mourning??#feels like im going through all five stages i cannot do this right now#at this point i might have to resort to watching red white and royal blue and i just know its going to be as bad as the book#sobbing and bargaining and screaming rn ahhhhhhhhhh no no no
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girls will literally be happy until their brain randomly convinces them that all their friends hate them because someone's text was a little TOO serious sounding which means they find you ugly and stupid and hate you with a burning passion
#how i love being a person who thinks all the time and has nothing to think except for thoughts#also there is literal crack in gracie abrams's voice wtf#i know you're a fault line. but i'll break too.#I SEE YOU EVERY NIGHT IN MY SLEEP ANTICIPATING EVERY BAD DREAM LIKE FALLING WITH A KNIFE YOU CUT DEEP YOU CUT DEEEEP#anyway i literally hate myself a lot right now and i think im so ugly and stupid and nobody really likes me#and my problems are generally smaller than other peoples'#like idk#its invalidating when you're complaining about something and someone's like 'well at least you dont...' or if im complaining about school#and someone's like at least you dont have ____ subject#like. ok. remind me never to say anything to you ever#its also so invalidating when you're trying to explain to someone how you are and they're like 'but you're literally happy'#i just end up feeling so stupid and idiotic#maybe because i am but. you know. like how do you even reply to someone saying that to you
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🦨
#ughhh someone pointed out the atrocity in my face. i hate thatfeature of me so bad#and now i cant stop thinking about it and i hate myself and my face and i got bad feelings#because throughout my entire life i've been so bullied for it#i feel so ugly ugh!!!!!! i am ugly i wanna cry who could ever love me when i look like this skksksks#the worst abt having a face deformity is that it is on your FACE!!!!! i cant hide it#it's out there for everyone to see#and i cant remove it. i can get plastic surgery etc but i cant afford that at all now. maybe when i have a job :(((#and it really is so big in my brain. i notice it constantly#i cant look at other ppl without checking their chins to see if it's smooth or not#and most ppl have normal chins. pretty much everyone has a normal chin!!!!#i wish i was normal too. i hate looking like this i hate it so bad#it is so unfair that i gotta be stuck w this ugly fkn feature but everyone else gets to look normal#so unfair so unfair it makes me so angry#why did i get the worst genes ever i cant stand having to live my life being this grotesquely ugly#anyway.... i try to suppress it nd not think abt it but earlier today someone made a comment abt it#nd now i just wnna cry because it is soooooooo ugly and i hate it#besides yeah it made me rmbr my school years bc ppl were sofkn mean to me abt it#like im sorry i know im ugly wtf do u want me to do?!?!
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Guess what little idiot forgot her tablet pen ;_; seriously im near tears. Im gonna have to draw with paper and pencil...for a WEEK? Dammit im such an idiot i cant believe it
#Jrnlsht#I double checked EVERYTHING except that apparently#Its not like you can just go out and buy a w*acom pen replacement anywhere#Ughhhhhh#This also means bringing my computer along on this trip was useless since i cant use it gahhhh#Hating myself so much right now -_- im so stupid#I always forget something when i go on trips but did it have to be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING to me in life???? Like wtf
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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something genuinely healing about going back through my blog when im bored and seeing shit from 2019 about "im unlovable im not the kind of person people fall in love with it's so unlikely anyone will ever want to spend their life with me" like. little guy it's all gonna be okay
#dont worry he's coming :')#i used to hate myself so much for that shit#and it's not like i don't have a long way to go#but#im so happy now it rly did happen and i got the best bf i could ever ask for#wtf happened#ollie has a life
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what is it with these weird americans claiming that racism is no longer a thing just because where they live is somewhat regulated or whatever and all that bullshit????
#delete later#long story short i came across this youtube video that was recommended to me#it was a black queer man and I thought he was going to just discuss about the rise of rampant hate against white people in america#and i was like okay let's watch this cos I too believe no one should face any discrimination for who and what they are and that education o#the past is very good#but then he would go on about statistics in America and say that the black community themselves are getting into these unfortunate situatio#s#and the world is much better now compared to decades ago and that they should be lucky at the way we live now because it isn't like back th#n#but im like#sure these dumbass tiktokkers say stupid shit#BUT#even now in the uk almost every POC including myself have experienced discrimination and racism#including black people#and ive seen horrible things said and done to black people and others in America online through videos and etc#like wtf man are YOU BLIND#the world we live in right now is doing the bare minimum and we all should aspire for a better world!!!#insulting all white people in your life isn't the way to the top I know that and that's completely understandable it's hella childish and n#sty#i dunno man this video really pissed me off and I didn't finish it#one of the example videos he also showed was a black man expressing his feelings on what he thinks about non black people using the N word#even in a song#i personally believe no one should use the word at all#but the youtuber was brushing off his feelings and saying it's just a word in a song and I was just#done with it#he was clearly pandering to the people who always scream about how they hate woke culture#so why was i surprised#anyways rant over
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So
#so I got caught up in the Ikemen game fuck me right#anyway mc in the 2nd princes route is down bad like girl get up u worse than the other one at least the other one the feeling was mutual#this ones mean like who u calling slow? 🤨#we lost her damn like#also there was weird story stuff and I’m like first of all u want me to think this man who has never really looked into the whole romance#thing and finds everyone annoying can do that sort of thing like idk im not buying it#I’m sorry like nothing u say will convince me he can say anything nice like it just#‘with a kind gaze…’ 🤨#what I can’t read the premium route but u can buy the epilogue if there is a god they will strike and kill the creator of the gacha game#I blame fortnight#wait 🫢🤭#u know what nvm 😑#ruined the fucking moment with the span of click#he could’ve just been like I get it now. end sentence end thought nothing else but sadly he must make it known he don’t fuck with this shit#u know what I’m sick of this shit#gotta see to the end but this is the last time I’m doing a recommended route.#freaky ass#like#it’s either something rude or cheesy I cat I can’t anymore I’m going to kill myself#like Jesus#yo why the fuck it go from like we kissing to we doing something dirty I can’t stand it#it can fade to black#idk#like I said freaky ass wtf#ew#u know what picture u hate that one where their at the cemetery#mc looks so silly in the back smiling
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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro
#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes#i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses#i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything#it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever#i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless#everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad#i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards#but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like#ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything#it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but#she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible#we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway#it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without#sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks#i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18#and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society#i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am#20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already#why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong#i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing#i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there#i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic#i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse#nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there#i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am#i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not#it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying#i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit#ramblings
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Yes I DO have the same criticism for the mcu and transformers actually it's just that people have not been putting the latest marvel on my dash nonstop for a YEAR while praising how innovative and brilliant and better than any other movie it is without having even seen it
#yes this is about the barbie movie i just had to unfollow someone about it#like. wtf man are we really doing 'hating on the barbie movie is mysoginy' now???#at this point i hope the movie objectively fucking sucks#i was even mildly excited about it myself at the start. it looked like fun#but now im just annoyed about apparently hyperconsumption is fine if its about girls
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I am upset at the fact that I decided to rewatch Good Omens bc I had happily forgotten just how Crowley coded I was, and was just vibing, and now I've gotten back into Good Omens and now I'm pissed again. Who the fuck allowed me to be Crowley coded???
#minus the whole clown thing I got going on#please tell me that Crowley hates clowns bc I am genuinely pissed at the Crowley coding#like... ffs if I try to cosplay him#i just look like myself w yellow lenses on#it's not even funny!!!#like ppl nagged at me for years that I looked like Crowley#so my mindset going into good omens was “Oh Im not going to like this fucker'#And then I dont just like him#i relate to him#and apparently look like him#very annoying#actually no#Its mf infuriating bc wtf#uhhhhhhh#good omens#ig#also i shouldn't have told some of my irls to watch good omens bc i can be peacefully existing in a rolm#room*#and someone will go#“omg thats so crowley coded of you”#oh and the girl that Im in a situationship w wants to own a bookstore and is blonde n blue eyes n reads too much#like srsly too much#how can one read that much#i dont get it#oh yeah right uh#crowley#going to bed bc im annoyed now
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the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)
#heed my warning boy#it seems i am not well today#recently made the reluctant decision to revisit what was probably my VERY FIRST real hyperfixation#something that i don't necessarily want to mention by name right now because. well#its pretty objectively bad LOL like i dont think i know of ANYONE still posting about it or really proud of having liked it back in the day#i dont think it is as well known to the general public so it wont get me hunted down for sport even if i did name it probably hopefully#but for those who know its. probably not the best thing to be revisiting lmao (even though i think it might still be being made?? wtf)#but i felt i had to because i was about to start my period and was going crazy insane like you do you know how it is#and i randomly remembered a fanfic i loved and then remembered my fav character and how much i loved him#my actual first ever blorbo oh my GOD he was everything to me#so i reluctantly decided to rewatch “just the first few episodes” just to see how much i remembered and also to prove to myself it sucks#but surprise surprise: nostalgia and hormones are making me actually kind of enjoy it#and now i am suffering from fucking Catholic-like Guilt for not hating it which i think is pretty silly lmao#so im kind of posting this in an attempt to convince myself that its like. FINE and cringe is dead and all that#and that sometimes i gotta be nice to my little mentally ill brain and give it the junk food (bad media) it craves#ESPECIALLY when im on my period LMAO#anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF#i hope no one actually reads this far in the tags bc i know that reveal will probably deal psychological damage to some of you LMAO SORRYYY#ok yeah posting this and then immediately going to bed so that the Haters cant reach me LOL SEE YA
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brain: thinks
me: takes 300 damage
#mini vent bc boi am i having a tough time w myself lol#villain arc part 2 but now its part of the healing process so yay bc im not going insane just suffering in the name of sanity?#like i want to rip my ribcage open youkno just take it off#im feeling a lot and not numbing out this time like wtf is this!!!!!!!!!#you guys feel this shit when you FEEL and stuff???????#IS THIS WHAT FEELING FEELS LIKE#LIKE BURNING INSIDE OUT WHAT THE FUCC#IM GOING MAD I HATE THIS NUMB ME OUT AGAIN PLS#IM NOT COMPLAINING FOR NOT FEELING ANYMORE I SWEAR#;talking to the wall
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who wants to help me characterize maaike and ulrike!? like ive put a lot of thought into it already but id love some ppl to riff with about it. what do their traits make u think abt their personality? do u think they have any quirks? who likes the other more?
the only concrete fucking thing i have is that maaike has been pining after ulrike for almost their entire friendship and ulrike is like i love u my best gal pal :') and maaike is like,,, oh. okay :))))
ulrike is sleeping w marcus flex, maaike hates this man more than anything and wants him to Perish (they actually end up becoming rly good friends eventually tho once maaike and ulrike become a Thing yknow)
#feel free to send me asks respond to this post like anything u want#im super curious to hear how y'all characterize them/play with them#tbd#text#sorry for all the text posts LOVE U#like i dont see maaike as a hateful person#i dont think she'd be outwardly hateful towards marcus#but she'll let it be known that he's not invited over for movie night :///#and ulrike is like wtf dude like im just fucking him its fine. and ulrike is like ITS . NOT . FINE :))))))))))))))) in her head dfjkl#SEE I LITERALLY CAN'T STOP Y'ALL THIS IS ALL MY BRAIN DOES NOW#I WANT TO MAKE THIS STORY A THING SO BAD AND PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN DO IT
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