multisfabulis

[introvert-celeste]

.

[steamberrystudio]

24/08/2023

Hey everyone! Time for the bi-weekly tumblr update for WSC.

Summary

Finished all Ch7 content for Kav, Noel, Raif, And Yren

Started Chapter 8

Got a new BG with many lens flares

Some UI tweaks

Ramble

Okay, so let me jump into what I've completed on WSC. 

But first...

Life's been chaotic. SO chaotic. And it's all blurring together too, honestly. At one point recently we had a leaky pipe and the kitchen flooded. When did that happen? I do not really remember anymore. Two weeks ago? Maybe three???

Then everything imploded and was really sucky for a while. Then we finished beta testing for GS in the midst of everything being so sucky that I literally did not have the energy to release the route despite that it was finished. 

When life implodes, I usually start having weird dreams and migraines. I don't know why my body's response is "Yes, defend Earth from evil pokemon with the 10th doctor. Also, have a headache when you wake up."

But here we are. And both of my hands have been in enormous pain because...WEATHER. Because why not add that on top of everything else happening?

Then I released Yuu's route. But that happened today.

And...somehow in all of that I kept writing.  I finished up all the chapter 7 content and fleshed out the framework for the chapter 8 scenes.

So currently the game is at 373,204 words.  AKA...80% 💪

I also got a new BG and a sketch. 

Oh, and I made some small tweaks to some UI stuff (nothing major - mostly utilising already built-in Renpy features to improve gameplay.)

Screenshots:

None this time

Upcoming Weeks:

Writing! I currently have less than 100,000 words to complete the draft (well, assuming I don't go over the target word count. Which...

Who are we kidding? 

I still have a few things to wrap up for GS (art book, lore book, and some KS rewards...) so I'll be working on those too but my focus for WSC will be writing and my goal this week is to finish (or nearly) finish Chapter 8 for all the remaining characters.

So...as boring as it will be for a while...this section will say "Writing" until the writing is done!

And that is all for this week! See you next time.

~Esh

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3723

today has been a long day.

starting out at the hotel was a good idea, though. it allowed me to get some more sleep before hammering away at my tasks for the day.

but mostly, i'm thankful to have renae with me. she's been such an incredible help and i would not have been able to get this far this soon if she weren't helping me.

after i woke up at 4am and then with everyone's alarms after that, when joel asked me if i wanted breakfast, i just went "mmmmmgh," and he went "so that's a no." he's so funny. i love that he understands me when i don't words.

we opened and labeled scissors, we made packets of perler beads for the panel on sunday, and we trimmed the selvedge edge off of the mountain of fleece we got for the service project.

it doesn't sound like a lot BUT it was a lot. we still have a bunch of perler bead packets to go, too.

i fact, we went to joann's (and walmart) with kiki to find more - and we wiped joann's out of their perler kits. and we still don't have enough. so i gotta go tomorrow and try to find some of the right colors because they don't have them on amazon.

but after all of that was said and done, the clock struck 7 and i left to go see leo.

we got olive garden for dinner and we talked a bunch about mental health and personal struggles and honestly it was a weird conversation because of how open i was. i haven't told anyone a lot of the things i told him. but i trust him. i trust him with everything i've got.

we spent a while just kinda making out in the car because it's fun and at one point i got to cuddle up with him on my chest and he fell asleep. it was the sweetest thing i've ever seen. this beautiful man, so lively and energetic and anxious, smoothed out and calmed down in sleep. he's just beautiful. i really do love him.

after he woke up and we talked some more, we went to get some mcnaldos because he wanted to get me something sweet and he wanted coffee. after the mcnaldos run we sat in the car and listened to music and sang along with it and the man can hold a tune! i'm thoroughly impressed. but we sang a bunch of songs together in the car and it just made me love him even more.

after topping off the night with a kiss through the open window as a customary parting gift, i came back to the hotel to find the door locked. renae was sleeping and i wasn't sure if dean was still down for the count with a raging migraine like he was earlier.

turns out he was not and he eventually came back while i was standing outside.

i woke renae up for her chicken nuggies which we also got at mcnaldos. shortly after we got back, so did joel. we talked a bunch as renae ate her nuggies in peace.

talking to leo now. definitely a lot to talk about, especially since my paperwork is all in. i don't want to let him go. i really don't. but i'm gonna have to. i'm gonna need to let him go eventually. and that makes me sad.

anyway.

bedtime.

[thessalian]

Thess vs The Usual Work Idiocy

As you know, I have issues as regards my colleagues and their aversion to doing anything but the short, uncomplicated bits of typing. Today went entirely beyond the pale.

I mean, they started with the usual "I don't want to type this thing by this person so I'll just let the queue sit there and only take out some typing for myself when the big scary bits are gone". I mean, I get it. There's this one guy who talks too fast and that brings with it a tendency to create word salad. I don't like typing for him either. I just resent getting stuck with it all the time.

But they took the fucking cake this afternoon. I had got through a good-sized chunk of typing, getting us at least as far as having all of yesterday's typing complete - or so I thought. I had about eight minutes left of the workday, so I figured I'd grab a few easy short ones to round out the day. Not ideal, because I am having a screaming awful migraine right now, but y'know, the workload is insane.

So I go to the shared queue ... and there, right at the top, is a bit of dictation from yesterday morning. It's from Word Salad Guy, and it's eight and a half minutes long. And given the timestamps, I would have seen it if it had been in the typing queue at any point between when I logged in and now.

So what seems to have happened was that someone (and I'm still guessing New Girl here) sat on this monstrosity all fucking day, and only put it back in the queue when there was no earthly way that she'd be called upon to do it. You know, "Whoops, I've typed all these nice short ones from yesterday afternoon and some of yesterday morning and I seem to have forgotten about this long complicated bit of typing in my queue. And oh, dear, I don't have the time to finish it today, so I guess I'll just have to put it back in the queue for someone else!"

...I left it there, and grabbed a few shorter ones from this morning instead. I didn't have time to finish it before the end of my workday either! I had eight minutes, and anything that says 8:30 is going to take ten minutes or more when you account for correcting the word salad. I feel kind of bad, because on Tuesdays and Wednesdays it's only Goblin who works until 5:30 so she may well get stuck with it, but I'm not staying late just because somebody literally hid a bit of typing she didn't want to do until it was too late to be able to do it and then dumped it on the rest of us.

Honestly, if Goblin didn't pull that stunt (and I'm fairly sure she didn't), I hope she leaves it there and more or less forces New Girl to get the fucking thing done. Honestly, I'd be bringing this up at the staff meeting we're supposed to be having on Thursday (it was supposed to be last week, but it got moved), but I probably won't bother because nothing will change, even remotely. It never does. So long as the work is getting done, Scruffman doesn't care all that much - at least, not enough to actually confront the cause of the problem. So I'm just going to have to sit and be annoyed.

Well, first I'm going to have to go to the corner shop to get some ibuprofen. Between my sinuses and the migraine, I cannot begin to tell you the pain I am in and I managed to forget to pick up painkillers that aren't mallet-meds. This left me with an increasingly killer migraine and no way to even tamp it down through a pretty horrific day.

I get a little depressed every time I realise that despite everything, this is still the best and least abusive job I've ever had.

[lazytyphooncollector]

Here's some cute selfies of my precious good sweet loving gorgeous baby girl doggy aka Tikaani. I kid you not guys but I've been through hell and back especially she has because she's legit literally been I kid you not going in and out so many health problems ever since September more so than the average dog as it's been back to back nonstop. Ever since the worst thing that she ever went through back in September she I can tell you for a fact is traumatized because of that. She literally refuses and doesn't walk on any kind of hard floor inside anymore like wood and tile and also now refuses to jump off and on furniture and only let's me help her by picking her up gently and carefully or set her down on the ground on carpet floors. She stayed for 2 nights in a speciality animal hospital 2 hours away up in Manhattan Kansas where she got an MRI like how I did her human and her mom a couple years back for migraines but I was told that she was getting lots of love and care from all the female employees that worked there when she was there and they apparently just couldn't stop telling my mom and I how much they all loved her and how she's just the sweetest thing which is no lie at all. She was given the diagnosis of an extremely rare condition that she unluckily went through as it's not very common for any dog to get it called FCE for short where one day a dog's perfectly fine with their motor skills to literally being on deaths door the next friggin day. She was completely paralyzed on all of her right side and because of that she couldn't pee poop walk sit or stand at all or the right way but through strict crate rest for nearly 7 weeks on top of giving her steroid oral medication every day all those weeks the percentage was very slim if she would even get her good quality of life back let alone if she would ever sit stand or walk again. But like the friggin miracle she is astounded and shocked everyone where she overcame all the odds and she can now sit walk and stand again without a problem. Then from last month up until recently this month she went through hell again where she had bloody vomit and bloody mucus diarrhea on and off a few times nonstop to where she was diagnosed as either having colitis or pancreatitis. She's now on a low fat diet the rest of her life and thanks to the medication she was taking it appears to have all fully gone away and stopped for now. Today she went to the vet again because ever since Sunday she's had abnormal colors of eye bugars right by her right eye so they did 2 eye tests on her today and yep there is something going on. She was prescribed eye drops and another oral medication that I have to give to her. One drop of the eye drops on her right eye 4 times a day basically every 8 hours for 10 days and a half tablet of the oral medication every day until gone. I hope to god she once again recovers gets better and stays better. As long as she has that fight in her and the will to live and not give up neither will I. She's my little strong brave powerful warrior fighter and miracle and she means everything to me. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers guys and wish her well. Anyway sorry long rant over and here's pics of her now in her brand new valentine's day sweater

@raph-red-fan @primroseprime2019 @mistyroselove @naya-queenzie @tulipvalley27 @nikitaboeve @lady-maria-the-wolf225 @lasttriptonyc @miyokovektor @raphsgrl @rebellious-mutant @doctorelleth @jaenisamusculargurl @camibanani @darkhoodedvendetta-blog @immadollfacelove @kkloco @redhoods-daughter-from-hell @hotredphoenix @swagtreecrown @pissybird @knobsshamanics @tamitaninja2007 @sweetshepherdslimeartisan @lovelylulu1 @rin-oroku @dasdummenutellabrot @chuu-u3 @kawaii-anime-life123 @cattonmilap @landsel @janet-the-dark-queen @ninjagirlsworld @lolatheatiny @michelangelokin @shortgremlinaxolotl @scarlettestitch @foreignbrunette @slutforoptimusprime @themonsterarchive @temenos-empath @xxcirus-masqueradexx @skeezpyuff @screamingnoodl

[cryptidsurveys]

Sunday, July 14th, 2024.

Have you ever left your front door unlocked all night? It's probably happened at some point.

Do you prefer cold or warm weather? Pleasantly warm weather is fine, but I do tend to prefer the cold.

The last advertisement you saw: What was it advertising? I think it was for car insurance or something like that. I just skipped past it without really paying much attention.

Do you prefer bar or liquid soap? Liquid. It seems more sanitary.

Do you wear any perfumes / colognes on a regular basis? I don't. Strong smells often trigger my migraines…along with pretty much everything else about being alive.

Do you have high or low self esteem levels? My self-esteem levels are somewhere in the middle these days. Not despairingly low, but not yet healthily high either. I think it also depends on the situation - sometimes I'm more confident in my abilities, more comfortable with the company, etc; but other times I feel out of my element.

When was the last time you listened to a song on repeat? What was the song? I haven't been listening to any single song on repeat, but I have been listening to the Precession album by Fifty Dollar Dynasty lately.

How do you feel about being in the house alone? It's peaceful, but there does come a point when a sense of dreamy unreality sets in and I would prefer to have the company of my dad.

What was the last compliment you received? I suppose this counts as a compliment… I was getting ready to leave the animal shelter earlier and Alex was like, "thank you so much, I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here." Lucy was scheduled to work today, but she didn't show up. She didn't show up yesterday either. Last Sunday, after I left, I guess Lucy was asking Cassie, "how mad do you think they'd be if I just walked out?" because she wasn't feeling well. Ofc Cassie was like, "wtf, don't you dare, today is my half day and they'll make me stay if you leave." Far be it from me to judge how someone's feeling (if you're sick, you're sick; I'm not going to play the comparison game), but there was also this ~vibe~ about it, like she was just kind of over it. Couple that with her not being there this weekend and…idk whether she's sticking around or not.

Anyway, all that meant Alex had to come in on one of her days off, and things are just kind of a mess lately, and…ugh. I feel for her. She's such a hard worker, always on top of everything, super reliable…so ofc she's the one they're going to call, and ofc she's going to show up. However, she did say that everyone she's talked to wouldn't blame her if she quit, so…I guess it's just a question of when her work ethic + sense of duty + personal pride are surpassed by how done she is with the whole situation. It's part of the reason Amy quit a few weeks back. Orlyn was injured and out for a while and ultimately decided not to come back, so they increased Amy's days/hours to make up for it. I think it was originally supposed to be temporary, but they seemingly forgot about that and let it drag on until Amy spoke up about being burned out (which made them mad?!). Eventually, she got fed up and left. They've just been super short staffed lately, among other things, and it's slowly taking its toll on people. Oh yeah, and Diane is going to be gone for a few days around the end of the month and it's just like...wtf are they gonna dooo...???

Do you like mint or orange flavored chocolate? I like both.

How often do you get spots? Like, pimples? It goes in cycles. My face will clear up, then get really bad, then clear up again…I'm starting to think it might be hormonal.

Do you believe that when your ears burn someone is talking about you? I've never had that experience before, but no, I don't believe that's a thing.

Are you a good host when visitors come over or do you wish they’d leave? We don't really have people over; but when I'm out with others, there's definitely this pull to get back home.

When was the last time you burnt your mouth from eating something too hot? This morning. I was rushing to eat my oatmeal. It was just a slight burn, though, nothing serious. Not like that time I caused a huge burn-bubble to form on the roof of my mouth. D;

What is your favorite foreign language to listen to? (In music or speech) Maybe Japanese for speech and Swedish/Icelandic for music.

Do you prefer instrumental songs or ones with lyrics? I like both.

Name something simple that makes you happy. Delicious iced coffee on a hot afternoon.

What is your favorite instrument to listen to? Guitar or violin.

Pick one: Books, movies or music? Books.

Do you carry a bag around with you often? What does it look like? Yeah. It's just a gray backpack.

Do you like your natural hair color? I'm fine with it.

Do you delete your emails / texts often? I don't bother deleting e-mails, but I will delete texts occasionally.

What was the last book you read about? It's the third book in the Dune series. I feel like I would have to explain the plots from the first two books in order for it to make sense, but I'm just too lazy.

What color are the walls in the room you’re in? White and peach.

Did you dress up last Halloween? As what? I didn't.

Do you have any old friends who you still kinda speak to but it’s awkward? No.

Name one of your favorite memories. Backpacking memories with my dad.

Are you a polite person? Yeah.

When was the last time you used a quote from a movie in real life? I'm not sure.

Have you ever used a chat-up line that actually worked? No.

Can you put your legs behind your head? No.

Do you forget things easily? Small things. Like, on any given day at the animal shelter, I'm bound to forget something.

The last song you listened to: Did it have a male or female vocalist? Male.

Is the heating on in your house currently? No. The swamp cooler is on, though.

Do you often find toothpaste too minty? No.

Have you ever had braces? Do you need them? Yeah.

Are you a subscriber to any magazines? Which? No.

What does your voice sound like? (Loud, quiet, high pitched, etc) It depends on who I'm talking to, but my "normal" voice is medium-pitched and can be somewhat loud, especially if I'm excited or passionate about something.

[optimus-prime-advice]

Blogmin (blog admin) motivation post!!

So I never speak directly here besides in my intro post, but I decided I'm gonna come out to talk for a change, because I want y'all to know:

It really does get better.

That's me. I'm a disabled man who's autoimmune in at least 5 ways, possibly more than that, I can barely walk and I mostly limp, and I usually have to use a walking stick. I suffer from chronic pain, PTSD, and far more.

But today, I got my tax return. I decided I was going to treat myself, and visit the thrift store to see what all was there, maybe get a new shirt and a plushie or something.

Yet I found something FAR better than any of that combined.

I found an Xbox 360.

I'm 24 currently. When I was a young kid, the Xbox was THE console to have. I had nothing but a computer, and some disks with games. My parents were not wealthy at all. They struggled to get money for groceries. And all my friends, all my classmates, they had Xbox 360s left and right, my neighbor had 3 or 4 of them, my friend also had at least 3, and yet there I was with... nothing. Nothing at all. No Gamecube, no Wii, no Xbox, no Playstation, no PSP, no GBA, and so on.

Eventually, years later, my parents did save enough money to buy my siblings and I a Playstation 2 for Christmas, and we proceeded to play it so much that, within 3 years tops, it broke.

I was devastated. I had no way to play games yet again.

That year, for my birthday, my friend had a PS2 that he no longer used, and his brother had bought the PS3. Thus, for a present, I got my friend's old PS2. I was SUPER happy, and my eyes lit up like Christmas lights. I spent many hours after school for a long time playing Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2.

As I grew into an adult, more consoles came out. However, I grew up mostly PC gaming, and after my little brother built himself a PC, I decided I would do the same. I worked overtime with more than 40 hours a week at a minimum wage job while in college, for many months straight, and got the parts I needed. To this day, it's my best gaming platform with top-of-the-line hardware including a 2070 super RTX graphics card, and 5TB of space, of which 3TB is on SSDs. I live for playing games on my PC, and have multiple triple A titles. I've got a dual monitor setup with one 32in monitor on the bottom, and a 24in curved monitor on top, a cheap camera, cheap soundbar that's surprisingly good quality for just $35, and a cheap standing mic.

This past winter, in December, my mother had to go in for open heart surgery. During November on Thanksgiving day, she suffered a heart attack. When she went in for the surgery, it was supposed to be a one and done situation. One "quick" surgery turned into 2 near death experiences, being airlifted to another hospital, another 2 surgeries, then 3 more, and over 40 nights of hospital stays across 4 months.

On the same day I nearly lost my mother last, I nearly lost my good friend to ending himself, and had to stay awake until well past 3am trying to get authorities to help him. That same day, too, I almost lost my sister to the same thing.

And the day after that? I lost my only job.

Weeks later, I lost my insurance coverage, and couldn't get medical help as my chronic pain flared to the absolute worst it's ever been, I began getting chronic intense migraines every morning I woke as well, and I only just got the insurance back recently.

Needless to say, I've been scraping by desperately for months now.

But today, I got my tax return. And I decided, to treat myself, I was going to go to the thrift store.

And there, sitting on the shelf amongst a bunch of printers, literally blending in to the white of the shelf itself, was an Xbox 360. I would not have known it was there had I not picked it up to see what its weird grey piece sticking out was.

Immediately, I snagged this. With the wires connected, the entire package was $14. I had a 360 compatible controller sitting around for my PC, but I never used it. So there, I had everything I needed. And I walked the store looking for anything else I might need or want, carrying that SUPER heavy console and chargers in my arms for dear life. It sincerely felt like a dream I'd wake from, only to find myself in my bed sad and empty and defeated. The impossible childhood dream coming true... Could it be?

As I checked out, the man at the line smiled and told me he played Xbox 360 himself growing up, and that I'd caught a GREAT find. I was happy. VERY happy.

Carefully, I loaded the console into my car's trunk. I drive an old black car covered in bird poop and pollen regardless of how often I clean it, and most of the time, I can't even get said poop off at all. The front bumper is busted. At any given time, I have no more than half a tank of gas. There's no fancy features, just a radio and a CD port. I've jerryrigged bluetooth with a wired adapter that's always coming out of the socket, and plugged it to a cigarette lighter with a charger so the adapter never dies. I can only play audio from my phone, but I can't make calls or answer them while driving.

Nonetheless, with this console inside my car, I drove home, fearful that I was still dreaming, and would wake any moment.

But I made it home safely, and when I opened the trunk, the Xbox was still there.

I smiled. I smiled A LOT.

Tonight, I went ahead and plugged it in to my TV. With a deep breath, I turned it on, and...

It works. The Xbox 360 works beautifully, minus the fact that it's currently black and white because I've hooked the adapters wrong. I'll fix that tomorrow since it's well past 3am now.

I'm not sure who brownie71985 is, but whoever they are, their old Xbox has now made a former poor kid, now disabled and struggling, depressed adult, VERY happy. They've made his life COMPLETE.

Though my mental health has taken many turns for the worst over the last few months, I kept telling myself it will get better. It will get better. It will get better... But when?

Today. That's when.

I lived long enough to see my childhood dreams come true. The impossible thing of all impossible things to me as a kid, is now achieved as an adult. :) And I lived to see it.

It's always worth it to make it. To keep going. Better days are ahead, and you'll keep asking yourself when they're going to come. But that day could be today! You don't know because you haven't lived to see it yet. So go. Live today. And tomorrow. And every day after that. You're going to find your better at some point if you keep living. I promise. :)

[spacecadetspe]

Sept. 29, 2023

W's birthday is coming up, and I decided to throw him a party. It was a last-minute decision, since I hadn't heard anything about what X was planning, but I managed to make arrangements quickly and fight a migraine to create and print two dozen invitations for W's classmates. Then I sent him off to his father's as usual. I thought I did well!

And then I got flack for it. X berated me for being "secretive" and not "coparenting," when all of this was simply last-minute. He told me they had been making plans of their own (I hadn't been told, but he said I had), and then told me he didn't feel like "crashing a party I had planned." On top of being petty and threatening to not come to his own son's birthday because I planned it, he then demanded that I bring W early on Sunday, sacrificing more of my time with him after having NO financial help this month at all.

Not only was I livid, I was conflicted. If I told him off, he'd come after me in the night again. I wasn't prepared to fight him off again, or weather a metaphysical beating and lack of sleep. If I consented, I would be letting him walk all over me, and I knew it. So I froze.

Fortitude told me to be laconic with X, one-word answers wherever I could manage, but I couldn't. I was just... done for the night.

Fortitude eventually lay down beside me, kissed me, tried to comfort me. We even had sex that night. It... wasn't the best we'd had, but that was hardly his fault. I just wasn't in the right mind space, and I was already hurting. Then, of course, he saw that it hadn't worked for me and despaired.

"I don't know what to do anymore," is his typical complaint. He gives everything; every ounce of his attention, his channeling (there was a point when he would channel for me 16 hours a day because I was in such an awful place emotionally), his affection, his being present for me and W... It's unhealthy. I love him, and I love what he gives, but... it's unhealthy. He breaks himself into pieces for me, and I hate it.

I don't want him carrying my burdens. I just want him to hold my hand.

"You promised you'd try," he said.

I felt something inside me crack. I sat up, and promptly broke down. "I'm TRYING!" I wailed. I'm pretty sure the neighbors could hear me. "I'm trying! I'm trying! I'm trying..." I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop screaming or sobbing or crying, louder than I'd ever done in as long as I can remember. I have never felt myself split in two like that.

I didn't sleep much Sunday night. Fortitude had given too much of his energy in our interaction, and I was restless. My eyes were puffy the next morning, but honestly I didn't feel much of anything. It was disconcerting, not having an inner voice, or even an understanding of my own preferences. That meant something big had happened.

I had split off from a major aspect, one who for now I will just call "Try." She was the one who structured all my stylistic preferences, my affections for certain fashions, my decision-making skills... all of it had collapsed. A massive, intricate, cathedral-like structure of all the things and concepts I cherished... turned into what amounts to orbeez in a fountain; very general ideas of what goes where (food in one tier, shelter in another, family in another), but virtually no underlying structure tying one idea to another.

And so here I've stayed for almost a week. At first, it was concerning that I didn't care anything about the clothes in my closet (except when I was cold) or the makeup on my counter. I don't care which hairstyle I use or which jewelry (none at all, today). I don't... have an inner voice all of a sudden, to tell me what I should like... or don't.

That being said, I also don't have the same understanding of what attaches me to physical things like clothes. I could go into my closet right now and probably toss out about 80% of my belongings with no emotional backlash.

I also had the clarity to decide what to do about X, now that I have no inner conflict. I invited him to the party (or should I say, W invited him). Fortitude disagreed with my choice, but I explained that if I was indeed going to have to coparent with that neanderthal, I was going to make him eat his fucking pride before I sacrificed a single minute of time with my son. And honestly, I'm okay with matching the petty energy. I'm sick to death of letting him bully me, when he contributes nothing to this. Unlike last year, when we went halvsies on W's party, X has not lifted a finger. So I feel pretty entitled to my decision.

In other news, I've fully made up with Phobetor, and have started doing the rounds again. He approached me last week, after the dreamlings died, to help me process. I was so out-of-sorts that I couldn't even focus on him; I thought he was Phantasos! Can you imagine? Two polar opposites; the goth middle child and the flamboyant younger child in a mixup! Poor Phobetor... I wonder if he could pull it off!

Meantimes, Morpheus has been working with the Hellkin on creating a serum derived from yew, of all things, to help process taint more efficiently. I wasn't sure how well that would go over; yew is incredibly toxic. But... I trust Morpheus' pharmacological expertise. He told me his uncle had blessed the tree, to be so poisonous. Sounds like the story of the jabillo tree and Xipe Totec. Obviously Morpheus had no idea who that is. That's funny all on its own.

I saw one of my friends when I was going about the rounds, as well. Enéa, a psychic who lived 2,500 years ago in what is now Saudi Arabia. He reminds me a lot of Adam Driver in his face and mannerisms. He's a sweet man (or perhaps the soul of a man), and when I told him my concerns he offered the solution that I should just give myself some time to be a little numb. Enjoy it, in fact! I stepped off the roller coaster at last. After some good advice (and some excellent wine and cuddles), I was off again to join the rounds.

I'll get through this. I always do. A little at a time, I'll rebuild.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I am so tired.

I'm so tired of trying.

I asked CD when to know when it's time to just throw your hands up and quit. His well thought out and intentioned advice was when you've tried everything and nothing has worked. Problem is, I am SO FUCKING TIRED of trying. I also, don't ever know when to quit.

I'm just so exhausted from it all.

Is it too much to ask to be loved or cared for by someone?

I'm watching all my friends who have been through the shits and they're getting married, dating, having kids with their new partners, they're all SO FUCKING HAPPY. They all are finally coming out the other side and I'm still lost in the middle without a flashlight.

I'm happy for everyone. JL is having a spooky little Halloween baby with her boyfriend, CD met someone, other people on my feeds are getting married and engaged, they're going places and taking pictures with these genuinely happy faces, arms linked, kissing, laughing, having the time of their lives with someone who cares. I know what I see isn't the whole story. But what I see is what I want, even if there are squabbles and obstacles behind the scenes, at least they all like each other.

I am just so tired of trying.

Twice in less than a month I have ended up with migraines so bad I've been nauseous. The first was a week or two ago. I had to leave work early and it was the most terrifying drive of my life. Every time I moved my eyes I wanted to vomit, every time I blinked I was afraid my body would decide it was time to nap and I'd doze off. I didn't know what was wrong at first, I've never had a migraine that bad. I picked up headache medicine and tums on my break and they didn't help. I was dry heaving off and on the rest of the afternoon until I finally was able to leave.

Yesterday I felt the tension headache coming on but I made it through the day somehow. By the time I got home I was nauseous, feverish, and in so much pain. Some time after 5:00 when I had dry heaved as much as I could I was able to finally drift off until about 7:00 when I finally felt a little more human.

The stress of this marriage is affecting my physical health now. I cannot and will not live like that. I have to protect myself and my health. I still have a tight neck and lingering head pain. It felt like I was being kicked in the forehead yesterday. Today it's more an occasional rap on the top of my skull.

I'm so tired of the half assed, apologetic lies I get. All the bullshit that is supposed to be said gets said. I mention his drinking is out of control, he says he'll stop next week. Of course, my bitter self scoffed at that. How many weeks ago did he first say next week? It's always next week and never today. I'm tired of waiting for next week, whenever that happens to be. I'm tired of the fighting, I'm tired of the bullshit, I'm tired of the meaningless truce that gets made each time. I'm tired of pretending I've not just been through an emotional paper shredder that is starting to leave more and more frayed nerves behind. I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of feeling like the only way to make it stop is to hurt myself. I did it a couple weeks ago, I did it again yesterday. If, by some strange chance, anyone sees it, I guess I'll give whatever answer fits best. It hurt so much I had to hurt myself to make what I felt inside quiet down. I kept having these terrible thoughts of slashing my arms to ribbons but I'm not trying to die. I just want the pain to stop. No one knows about this. I can't tell anyone, they'll ask too many questions and maybe attempt to intervene in some way. I don't need a damn intervention. I need someone to hold me while I cry and tell me it's going to be okay until I stop. I need a fucking sincere hug from someone who actually cares.

My hand hurts from punching the wall last night. I think I jammed my middle finger.

What the hell am I going to do tonight?

[littlewalken]

Nov 17

At least when the minivan had something hat took all day it was just the paperwork because there was a goof that had it so we couldn't insure it but now that's fixed.

So nothing much creative got done yesterday, I didn't get the hydration I was expecting so I'll have to catch up on that today, and I spend a good 12 hours in bed because I told y'all I was tired.

Did finish watching miraculous Ladybug, up to episode 9 like everyone else.

Realized I will probably need a score card for my Spider-Man project I've been working on all century to tell the major multiverses apart but that could be a good thing to make my brain hurt and build some new pathways.

Making your brain hurt is different from something that hurt your brain.

But none of it has done anything for my back so today might be a battle against the neck muscles pulling my face off migraine thing and the effects of the Pain Away.

Still we're all caught up on everything and won't need to go anywhere we don't want to until some appointments after the feast of colonization. Pending on how fast I finish the quilt top is when I take it to the fabric store to be measured to get the boarder, backing, and batting for it.

Going to try and sketch some Sids if I can.

[egg-on-the-run]

Massage

The turtle's s/o is exhausted, they help make things better with a massage.

(she/her pronouns used)

Leonardo

She's already asleep in his bed when he comes home from patrol. Usually she waits for him on the couch, even when she was tired, but Splinter had specifically told him she was already asleep, warned him to do his best not to wake her up.

She must be exhausted.

He tiptoes in as quietly as he could after his shower, spots her lying flat on his bed: not tucked in, just lying atop his blankets on her stomach. She had been too tired to lift the sheets.

He can see how tense she is, can see the way how even in her sleep her shoulders still rise to her ears, how her finger twitches with an anxious need to keep moving. Her face scrunched up slightly, adorable, but he would rather it be relaxed and soft.

He's careful and slow moving her onto the bed properly, still not setting her under the covers just yet. He's even more careful when he straddles her legs, keeps his weight off them almost entirely. His hands start at her lower back, kneading into her very softly.

She jolts and eyes snap open, "What are you doing?"

"I uh, I was giving you a massage, you look tense, even in your sleep."

"Oh," She relaxes, "You're an angel, just scared me a little." Her head hits the pillow again, already drifting off.

He tries once more, hands softly pressing into her lower back. She lets out a breath of air, sinking further into the mattress. He continues, travelling further up her spine. Usually he hates the sound of bones cracking (all of his brothers teased him constantly about it), but tonight he was quite happy to hear little pops coming from her spine. He especially didn't mind when she gave a little moan afterwards.

His hands travel further up towards her shoulders, kneading and rolling his wrists into the dozens of knots in her back. Her shoulders were so tense that she whined whenever he was too rough. He had to be gentle, working them out slowly.

By the time he was finished, she was sleepily trying to reach his hand with her eyes closed.

"Cuddle me," She mumbled as she found his hand, "Pretty please? I've got tomorrow off."

"Of course," He replied, moving to help her under the sheets, "That was the plan anyway."

He pulled her tight against his chest, hearing her bones crack once more as she melted like putty in his hands. He kissed her forehead.

"Thank god you've got tomorrow off, I'll let you sleep in as long as you want." He sighed, relaxing himself, "I'll make sure the lair is quiet."

She didn't hear a word of what he said, she was already fast asleep.

Raphael

Raphael was the king of tension. He wasn't like Michelangelo where little bothered him, or like Donatello who had those random self care days, or even like Leonardo who learned to de-stress through meditation. Oh no, Raphael carried tension like a mother with a clingy child: pulling on his shoulders, weighing him down and making him irritated.

It came with the whole anger thing.

So there have been countless times where she has used her knuckles to work the knots out of his shoulders. It was no easy task, especially when she had to use most of her body weight to actually get through each and every knot.

But she'd do it a hundred times more if he needed her to, and Raphael knew that, knew it all to well.

So when he sees her already grumbling to herself at the latest email that just came through to her laptop, when he see her shoulders rising to her ears in frustration and hands balling into fists, he knew he had to do the same thing for her as she had done countless times for him.

She jumps when he first puts his hands on her shoulders, but recognises the warm touch shortly after.

"What are you doing?" She asked, one hand reaching up to rest on top of his, she kept her attention glued to her screen, "I have a lot of work to do, Raphie."

"I know," He said, beginning to knead into her shoulders, "Just a massage, you look stressed."

"Oh with that lovely email, I am more than stressed."

She's always had a sharp tongue, never directed it to him (never intentionally) but he knows her patience is wearing thin and work certainly wasn't helping. He thought about taking his hands away entirely, not wanting to pester her; but she ran her thumb across his hand, typed with only one set of fingers, and Raphael remembered how often she did this for him when his patience was thinner than a piece of paper.

He pressed his hands into her shoulders again, watched as her head leaned back and body moved with his hands. He knew the feeling, when the knots were so tight they just hurt. He continued to work his hands into her shoulders, and slowly it seemed to stop hurting and the tension started to melt away. She closed her eyes, pushed her laptop away from her and just let herself be for a moment.

"Those big ol' hands of yours," She said, voice more like a breath, "So gentle with me."

"Not like you, using your damn elbows to get the knots out."

"But does it work?" She laughed.

He chuckled, "Of course it works, you're the best at this."

"Oh I dunno, you might give me a run for my money, this feels like heaven right now." Her head rolled to the side, turning slightly to kiss his hand, "Take me to bed Raphie, please."

With one final squeeze he let go, moving his arms to wrap around her waist and carry her to bed. Work wasn't important, this was.

Donatello

The lair was far too noisy, Donatello's lab was far too bright. Everything was just too much, all at once. Even as she sat on his desk, the reflection of his computer in his glasses from behind her was glaring into her eyes. He sat between her legs, arms around her waist and rambling about — god, she didn't even know at this point. She'd spaced out long ago, too overwhelmed to even try and catch up.

He moved his head at he spoke, Donatello was always an expressive fellow, and the light bounced off his glasses right into her eyes. She squinted, scrunched her entire face up and groaned.

"You have a migraine," He said plainly, "I have some painkillers in my drawer—"

"I took some earlier, they just haven't kicked in yet." She frowned.

She looked in pain, Donatello hated to see her like this, hated when there wasn't anything he could do.

He reached up and cupped her face, "Have you had enough water today?"

"Yeah," She mumbled, "Been using that new water bottle I got."

"When did you last eat?"

"Went out for dinner with some coworkers."

Donnie hummed, not knowing what else could cause her such a migraine. They usually had a reason behind them, she didn't usually just get them randomly. He wondered if she'd be on her phone too much, not to sound like Splinter, but she's been talking to him for the past hour or so, her eyes should have rested by now.

She pushed her cheek into his hand, letting his hand squish the chub on her face. Donatello squeezed gently, rubbing her cheeks in a circular motion.

"What are you doing?" She asked, voice muffled by his hands.

"Massaging your face," He replied, moving to knead her cheekbones with his thumbs, "Maybe it's tension that's brought this on."

"Maybe..."

He moved his thumbs over the bridge of her nose and followed the shape of her eyebrows, he repeated the action a few times before gently rubbing her temples.

"You're really good at this..." She murmured, eyes closed and jaw slack. Her face was no long scrunched up, but instead so completely relaxed she looked as though she was already asleep. Donatello persisted, using his thumbs to move the tension away from her face. His hands moved to her hair, grasping tightly and then releasing, he tickled his fingers through her locks: slowly so as not to pull on any tangles.

By the time he'd moved back to her jaw, he was pretty sure she'd fallen asleep where she sat. He smiled softly at her, kissed her forehead, and carried her off to bed.

He needed an early night as well.

Michelangelo

She had been on her feet all day, running errands for a coworker who had recently hurt their leg. Said coworker was fine, and would be perfectly capable of putting of such errands until their leg was better (really, Mikey huffed, using his girlfriend like a servant). But she could never just say no, and even after she'd ran around the city collecting bits and bops, dropping off items and buying groceries, her coworker hadn't even offered her so much as a sit down before he not-so-subtly led her out of his apartment.

So she came stumbling to the lair, exhausted and drained beyond compare and ready to collapse but still so eager to see her darling Mikey. He was in the shower when she arrived, she knew because Raphael told her, and because she could hear his singing before she'd even arrived.

She dragged herself to his bed, kicking her shoes off and not even caring where she left them. She collapsed to her knees before she could crawl under the blankets, lying surprisingly comfortably on the floor.

"Hey, hey angel! What are you doing down here?" Mikey's cheerful voice woke her up, along with a little shake of her shoulder. "We snoozing on the floor now?"

"So tired..." She mumbled, eyes fluttering closed, "Carry me to bed."

"No problem, the whole five feet distance it is." Mikey chuckled. He picked her up, sliding her onto his bed, careful not to bump her head on Raphael's top bunk. "All those errands huh? Guy owes you a thanks at least."

"Jackass kicked me out before I could even sit down at his place," She glared at the mattress above her, "So rude."

"Uh, totes rude? My girl did all that for him and he doesn't even let you sit down? Jackass is a very nice way to describe him." Mikey smiled at her, "Your poor little feet must be sore after all that running around."

"I think my ankles are swollen."

"Just a little." He teased, moving to sit between her legs. He took one of her legs and squeezed firmly along her calves. His hands slid down to her ankles and he frowned: they were slightly swollen, he had only been joking but turns out he was right. He rolled her ankle for her, moved her foot so that it pointed and then helped stretch her heel. He squeezed her calf one more time before moving on to her other leg.

"You're so sweet," She babbled, "Thank you for taking care of me."

"No problem babe, somebody has to," He laughed, "And it's not hard work."

She smiled at him, eyes struggling to stay open. He smiled back at her, not that she could see him, and softly told her to go to sleep; he'd take care of her.

[wannajointhecrabcult]

Masks and Music

(Part 1)

Part 2

I didn't think that my last post would've gotten ANY notes at all, so imagine my surprise when I find out that people actually liked it. After that suprise I thought why not and make another one so here we go! This is a Miraculous/Batfam crossover.

Imagine that Damian gets sent to Paris because the fam doesn't want him to become an emotionally constipated sad boi like Bruce and think that a change in scenery would help.

They don't know about the whole Hawkmoth situation because SOMEONE from the justice league decided that the while thing was a prank DESPITE that it was an ENTIRE CITY calling instead of a single person.

Like, aren't you guys supposed to be the world's greatest heros or something?

Who hired you?

Damian being the grumpy lil kid that he is holds a grudge and decides to not accept any calls or video chats from his family or tell them about Hawkmoth because that's what you get when you send someone across the world against their will.

(and because of plot convenience shhh)

Anyways, Damian goes to school as instantly adds Lila onto his mental list of people he needs to get rid of.

I mean, seriously, he's only been is the room for what, 15 seconds and he's already getting a migraine?

Great. Juusssttt great.

He sits in the back of the class with what seems to be the only person with brain cells in this room.

The dark haired girl just looks over and sees the disgust at Lila written all over his face and gives him a silent empathetic nod.

'This is unfortunately normal here.' she tries to convey through the small action.

He just nods back to show his understanding before turning around to observe the others.

In a few minutes Ms. Bustier walks in the room and asks him to introduce himself to the class.

It looks like the teacher never told the class that they were getting a new student because they all have to do double takes when they realize that there's a new face in the room.

He gives them the bare basics, telling them that his name is Damian Grayson, he's from America, and that he doesn't want any of them to talk to him before sitting down.

Clearly the teacher wanted him to say more or scold him for being so rude but a glare shut her up.

Later during a break period Lila tries to flirt with him and brags all about how she's met so many different celebrities and her achievements.

He tells her off and tries to move away but her nails are digging into his arms as she tries to convince him that he should stay away from Marinette.

Before he can maim her, the dark haired girl comes out from behind him and starts spraying Lila down like an unruly cat with some sort of strong smelling liquid from a spray bottle.

Lila screeches and stomps away.

When he turns to his hero the girl explains.

"It's a mixture of shredded lemon, expired maple syrup, vinegar, and pomegranate juice. I call it People Repellant but Thot Begone works too. Oh, and I'm Marinette by the way."

He eyes her hand before shaking it.

"Damian, though I assume you already know that. Can I get some of that by the way? I know a couple insufferable annoyances that would benefit from a spray down.

Marinette just blinks for a second before she bursts out laughing and that was the start of a great friendship.

Together they:

Make fun of Lila in the back of class.

Help eachother with homework (they only cheat off eachother when they REALLY need help)

Prank Lila in odd ways (Hey, just because she found hundreds of furbies hidden around her house that turn on one by one in the middle of the night effectively scaring the crap out of her when she's trying to sleep doesn't mean that it's their fault. She had it coming.)

Break a couple laws (shhhhhhh. Those toy stores don't need those furbies anyways).

Dare eachother over stupid things (they still insist that the cereal incident was caused by the other).

And overall become closer as friends.

They bring out the overdramatic chaotic gremlin child in eachother.

One time when Damian goes over to Marinette's place to work on a project he finds her singing a Disney song to herself on her balcony.

This isn't the first time they've caught eachother singing.

One time Marinette caught Damian in the art room at school humming one of the many annoyingly cheesy and catchy songs that Dick likes to listen to.

Despite him explaining the embarrassing situation to her she still teased him for weeks after.

He'll never get to live it down.

Damian shakes his head to get rid of the flashback when a devious smirk spreads across his face as a revenge plan comes to mind.

After carefully placing his stuff on the floor he sneakily makes his way across the space until he's right behind her.

That's when he joins in.

Screaming at the top of his lungs at first, effectively giving her a mini heart attack before eventually quieting down to a normal singing volume.

She glares at him, annoyed by his loud and obnoxious entrance before she starts singing again.

They eventually end up full Disney movie dramatically performing around her balcony with dance moves and over dramatic acting.

Is it bad that actual birds and other animals are appearing and joining in?

Damian totally kept one of the pigeons.

He named it Dolores.

(He later trained Dolores to attack Rossi on sight.)

When they're finished they end up on the floor out of breath.

They stay like that for a few minutes before Damian sits up.

"That. That was fun. I don't think I've actually ever sang before."

Marinette jolts up in suprise and turns to face him.

"Really? I never would've guessed. You have a really nice singing voice."

He would deny till his dying breath that he blushed when she said that but he covers it up with a smirk.

"Well I guess that's just because yours is so terrible in comparison."

He squawks when she jabs a finger in his side.

"Pshh. As if. Besides, my singing skills can't be worse then your gaming skills." She challenges with a cheeky smile.

"ExCuSe mE?!"

And that's how they spend the rest of the day playing video games, leaving the unfinished project to be completed on a later day.

Good thing it isn't due until 2 weeks time.

After a couple of hours playing video games, creating many possible Lila murder plans, eating pastries, and joking around, it's time for him to leave.

As Damian left for his place he got a feeling that something big was gonna happen.

Marinette also got the feeling but they both ignored it.

Little did they know, someone just happened to walk by and starstruck by the amazing singing they recorded the performance before posting it on the internet.

Imagine the duo's suprise when they wake up the next day to find themselves trending on the internet.

Luckily the video quality was pretty trash so their faces weren't identifiable but the audio was loud and clear.

The world was talking about the cute couple singing to their hearts desire on a balcony. If that's not cliche and adorable then the world doesn't know what is.

The assumption about their relationship status left them looking like tomatos but that didn't stop them from wonder why they didn't notice a creep recording them.

Damn Disney songs and their unnatural ability to distract people.

Of course Lila took advantage of the rising popularity of the video and talked about how she taught the two people in the video how to sing and gave them tips.

The two just walked past the idiot squad and sat down in their seats, making a mental note to come up with a prank later, when the akuma alarms came on.

They fall into their normal routine of Marinette running out to find a place to transform as Damian covers for her.

Oops did I forget to mention that Damian found out her identity because she crashed through his window in the middle of the night still transformed and asked him what's the answer to question 24 in their science homework because she just defeated an akuma by herself and was running on 20 minutes of sleep?

My bad.

Anyways it turns out today was the day Marinette had officially had enough of Chat's bullcrap.

It was gonna be a normal akuma situation.

Ladybug trying to fight the poor butterfly victim while chat noir either doesn't show up, tries to do everything on his own to impress her and ruins the whole plan, or just watches and complains about how she needs to get over her denial and date him BUT

This time he decided to actively try to push her in the akuma's way therefore putting her in SO MUCH MORE DANGER than she was already in.

Now she had to dodge out of the akuma's way AND CHAT'S!

WhAt ThE fUdGe?!?!

You think possibly killing Ladybug and trying to force her to beg for you to save her is gonna make her like you?!?

Just how hard did you hit your head when Gabriel dropped you on the floor when you were 2?

After the akuma was eventually defeated Ladybug told Chat to meet her on an abandoned rooftop that night because they needed to talk.

Chat being the oblivious person that he is (I swear I don't actually hate chat noir, this is for the plot I'm sorry) thought that it was for a love confession and became overly smug before leaving.

Making sure that he isn't following her, Marinette meets up with Damian at his place (school's over because of the attack) and asks him to help.

Later that day when the two miraculous holders meet up Ladybug distracts the Catboy by flirting with him while Damian uses his ninja skills for something other than sneaking up on her and giving Marinette mini heart attacks.

From behind he quickly hits a pressure point causing the other boy to fall unconscious.

Using her ALMIGHTY GUARDIAN OF THE MIRACULOUS powers, Ladybug takes Adrien's ring away and places a spell on him that makes it so he will never be able to use another miraculous ever again.

After they take Adrien home Marinette gives Damian the ring and Night Prowler is born.

He promises to do everything in his power to make sure that Selina and his family doesn't find out for the sake of his pride.

We'll see how that goes.

Night Prowler first officially appeared during an akuma named 'Break Dancer'.

Ironically, she was a ballerina that had to drop out of the finals in a competition because she broke her right leg the day before the show.

She could turn civilians into back up dancers and forced them to perform against their will.

They also worked as minions who would attack the duo for her while she stayed a safe distance away.

It was pretty obvious that the akumatized item was the music box held inside the bag that Break Dancer had slung around her shoulders but the real question was how could they get to it without becoming attacked by the backup dancer or becoming one of them.

Luckily (eheheh), a car with an open window playing music just happened to pass by before driving off.

Before it drove off, the music coming from the car was loud enough to play over the music box which caused some of the minions to become free again and run off.

Ladybug called her lucky charm and a Bobby pin landed in her hand.

As she looked around she noticed a store a couple blocks away that had a couple radios.

Unfortunately, the store was locked and closed.

Fortunately, she knew how to pick locks and a Bobby pin did come from her lucky charm soooo......

Who is she to deny literal gods.

They break into the store and grab a radio, and a speaker and rush over to where the akuma was causing chaos.

They turn on the radio, connect the speaker and turn the volume on as loud as it can go before flipping through the stations for a good song.

If they're gonna fight with music in the background they're gonna be picky about it and wont settle for anything other than epic.

While fighting they eventually get swept up in the music and end up singing along.

It's nothing less than full on majestic.

When the fight is over and the akuma is purified they find out that someone recorded it and posted it on the internet as well.

Now everyone knows that the beloved hero of Paris and her new partner were the two people singing on that balcony.

Ummmmm.....

Good thing that the video quality was trash right?

If it weren't for that their identities would've been busted the moment they started singing in hero form.

Luckily there aren't many people other than Damian that know what Marinette's singing voice sounds like so they're okay.

Well.... They WERE okay,

Until a certain rockstar and his agent came across the two videos and put two and two together.

So now King Sting (bee!jagged) and Peridot (turtle!penny) have joined the team.

Poor Penny, now she has to deal with two gremlin children and a some sort of bizarre man-child.

The next akuma confused the group quite a bit.

He didn't really do anything but sit on a rooftop waiting for the miracle team to show up.

They were all suspicious of him at first but when they did reveal themselves to him he explained his situation.

He was akumatized because his favorite rock band broke up but he didn't really want to take their miraculouses away.

He just asked if they could perform another song for him and he would give his akumatized item to them.

They all sorta looked at eachother and collectively went 'screw it why not' and sang another song.

If they were great before, they are absolutely AMAZING now.

Well that's what happens when you add a famous rockstar to a team of singing superheros I guess.

The akuma was blown away and true to his word handed over the rolled up picture in his pocket and was purified despite of Hawkmoth's nagging.

Haha screw you Hawky.

This time the ordeal was recorded by a news station and the 'hand over the akuma in exchange for a song' thing became a trend.

There were still normal akuma's that didn't follow follow it but those were far flung between.

It seems like Hawkmoth was getting annoyed by this so there started being less akuma attacks over the months.

Because of this some people were actively trying to get upset to attract one of the purple butterflies.

They traded one good thing for another I guess.

To stop that from happening the group started performing in public as superheros during concerts and festivals.

Because of this they became quite well known outside of Paris as well.

Is it ironic that more people know them as a band rather than a superhero team now?

When Marinette learned that they could change what their superhero costumes looked like if they put enough will into it she squealed.

Marinette designs superhero performance costumes for them whenever they have a festival to play at.

Whenever asked about their outfits they always reply with MDC.

Marinette's business gets really popular after that.

And since no one knows who MDC really is, she doesn't have to worry about the whole "Oh no me and my family are gonna be in danger!" thing

It's a win win!

Overtime they basically become a second (or third for some people) family to eachother.

Damian becomes more 'kid like' and open to others,

Marinette becomes more confident and overall happier,

Jagged gets to hang out with his awesome niece and her 'maybe more than just a friend',

And Penny gets a new outlet for stress and has so many more crazy stories to tell people.

One day while she's in the living room on the sofa watching 'The AristoCats' Damian just barges into the room and dramatically flops over onto of her.

He just lays there with his head in her lap and the rest of his body sprawled on the couch.

After everything that has happened this is normal for them now.

Without asking any questions or talking at all they just watch the movie together with the occasional remark or quip between them.

Around half way through the movie Jagged kicks down the door, effectively scaring the crap out of the two teens, while Penny follows behind him with an apologetic look on her face.

At first Jagged was yelling about something having to do with'Fang' and 'Dragon' and 'Miraculous' but after taking in the domestic atmosphere of the room he just sits down on the floor and joins in on watching the movie.

Penny, shaking her head in both amusement and exasperation, sits down on another chair and does the same.

While combing through Damian's hair with her fingers Marinette looks around the room.

'My life can't get any more complicated, can it?'

Oh boy, she just jinxed it.

This is just an idea I've had bouncing around in my head for awhile and I couldn't resist the urge to write it out. I AM planning on making a part 2 so if you like this keep an eye out for that. I'm by no means a fast writer though so it will take a while. But then again not many people will probably read this soo.... Yeah.

[thessalian]

Thess vs MCM Comic Con, Day 3

So before I start with the rundown of today, I will say this:

It was worth it.

I may not entirely believe that now, when everything fucking hurts and the stress and frustration of that level of people and noise and exertion and pain is still pretty much flattening me? But I know it was. The memory of how worth it this was will stay fresh long, long after the pain of the actual doing of it is gone.

So. Anyway. Day 3. Starting from after I made sandwiches and prepped to get an exchange on my d20-less gold sparkly dice.

We managed to get there in good time for the Critical Role panel. Now, obviously not in good time to get a seat in the main stage area where they were actually doing the panel, but giving it some thought, we didn't really want to be there anyway. We'd already been up close and personal with the Critical Role crew; we didn't need more than that. Plus the noise would have been way, way too much. So instead, we went over to one of the stages that was streaming the panel on their big screen. Which was better because the camera crew zoomed in when a question was directed at a particular person so we actually got to see them. And the panel was really good. It was so endearing when an audience member asked how they managed the whole thing with being business partners and friends and they talked about how Matt insists that they all hang out just as friends outside of the game space and the business space, and how Travis is this really supportive protective Big Poppa Bear of a CEO, and how it's easier with a group of friends than it is with a two-person partnership or trio because you've got people who can step in and mediate when tempers run a bit high ... and most of all when Ashley said she literally didn't know what she'd do without them (and then had to hand off the mic because she was about to start crying) and Sam said how he really just wanted them to be doing this - being the friends and family they'd become - for the rest of their lives ... and to wear a T-shirt with Matt's face on it at Matt's funeral. I honestly have zero worries about Critical Role LLC and its potential effects on their friendship. Seems like they're doing just fine.

There were no problems with taking my dice back. Thankfully, I got the same guy who sold them to me in the first place, though given the ambient noise and low light levels in the area, it was a bit of a struggle to get him to understand the problem. When he finally understood, he did go the extra mile finding me a replacement set. I repaid that kindness by stopping him when he went to put the dice set I was returning back into the box of merchandise for display / sale. Didn't want him to go through that again, y'know?

(Side note: turns out that the little golden shinies in my Alisaie-themed dice set are, in fact, small golden capital As. That's serendipity on a ridiculous level, right there.)

After that ... I admit it all caught up to me and on top of the body aches, spasms, and migraine, I remembered just how difficult it is to wander a convention hall with someone whose interests in terms of art and entertainment kind of vary from yours. So I suggested to Marion that we split up for an hour and a half, and meet up somewhere to devour lunch and see where we were going from there. I browsed a bit, but mostly I just found a place to sit down and watch the cosplay go by. I mean, I did make an attempt to go outside, partly for a smoke but mostly for someplace where I could be more than two feet away from any human being ... but it had started to rain and so I still ended up crammed under the awnings with my fellows who also wanted fresh air and/or nicotine.

By the time I met up with Marion again, I was getting to that "I am struggling to form coherent sentences" level of migraine, holding it at bay with some co-codamol that I took with the first can of A&W root beer I've had in years, and it was just what I needed, thank you. So we scarfed down lunch. I was honestly ready to leave right then, but Marion wanted one last turn-around to look for a couple of things she hadn't spotted in her first trip. I couldn't really deny her that no matter how much I wanted to go home, so we agreed to meet up in about an hour at the "Reset Room" (they had a room especially designed for people who just needed to decompress; probably the most useful thing they actually did in terms of accommodations, I have to say).

In that time, I caved and bought a copy of Flavours of the Multiverse - a D&D themed cookbook. It wasn't my only purchase of the day, mind you. I also got three pin-badges - one "That's How I Roll" one, one "Shiny Math Rocks" one ... and one that just reads "They/She". That and a "They/Them" nonbinary flag-coloured lanyard. At least there, I could wear those things without being too afraid. Anyway, after my few purchases and another trip outside (where, thankfully, it had stopped raining), I read my new cookbook until Marion rejoined me and we headed home. Unfortunately, on top of all the stairs at London Bridge and Elephant and Castle stations, there were a surprising number of people cramming themselves on the 363 at 5pm on a Sunday. So my Time of Squishening unfortunately got a little bit extended. Still, I am now home and have had coffee and more painkillers and I feel a bit better.

That was probably my last MCM Comic Con. It's definitely the last one I go to for all three days. The accommodations were insufficient (though in all fairness, that's entirely down to the organisers - the stewards were so nice and tried so hard to make things work when it was clear that the original organisational scheme was a shit-show), and the attendees ... well, most of them were really nice but I cannot count how many people I had to nearly throw myself at a wall to avoid because they were walking through a crowded convention hall while looking at their phones. Or just anywhere but straight in front of themselves. And public transport ... well, some of that "step-free access" is only on a technicality, put it that way, and it's actually easier to just struggle with the stairs if you can. I think the worst part of this has been that it's basically opened a window on another part of how hard my life is going to be now.

But never mind. I'm going to decompress a bit. I am going to make breakfast-for-dinner in the form of French toast and bacon, I am going to sit Marion down through the rest of Arcane, and I am going to enjoy my last evening with my houseguest. And at some point I am going to look into the work of the Hire A Bard guy I saw at the convention, who will set your character and/or campaign to music for a fee. This might be worth considering as a Christmas gift (however delayed) for the Cupcake Coterie.

Anyway. Yeah. I hurt. I am very much not at my best. But it was worth it.

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

This was supposed to be a tag post but there was too much for the max tags, so read more it is I guess. But oh god, what a day.

So there was a big storm this morning, like bad enough that I tried to go to work but it was raining so hard I couldn't see shit and the streets weren't really able to drain fast enough so it was kinda flooding a bit, so I turned around and just came home and wound up cleaning my kitchen, listened to a new vinyl that arrived in the mail this morning too, but I was in the upstairs part of my house all day.

It wasn't until about 4 PM that I came downstairs for something and realized there was a puddle at the bottom of the steps. Concerning, obviously. The rain had stopped a couple hours before that, so I started pulling stuff away from the wall and find stuff i meant to throw away a while ago, so i go back upstairs to get a garbage bag. There I find my cat pissing in a laundry hamper, which thankfully there wasn't much in the hamper and the top most was a towel that covered most everything else, but it still leaked out the sides and onto the floor. so then i have to grab gloves and throw those in the washing machine, and then wash the hamper in the tub, and then find the spray to clean the floor and then grab the mop which i needed for downstairs anyways. got that cleaned up, go back downstairs and mop up the floor.

While mopping I notice the bottom of the door frame is bubbling up. There's been some discoloration there for a while but it just looked like silicone so i had assumed it was a shoddy glue job from when my ex put on the floorboards, but looking at it today i realize the whole bottom of the door is fucked and the floorboards are cracking. and then on the other side of the door is the same, and the floorboards all behind the door are warped to hell, I think water is getting inside the wall and it hasn't made visible damage on the drywall yet. I rarely close the door because the cats need access both up and downstairs, so i never see the backside of the door, so i have no idea how long this has been accumulating, and it only came to a head today when it puddled out onto the floor.

but now i'm here like. is there mold inside that wall? is this why i've been getting headaches and migraines so much? i think i've even griped here about getting migraines nearly every weekend and even that tends to be on weekends where i'm home all the time, and even more so when i spend a significant amount of time on my couch watching tv or playing a game on my console, which is only about 12 feet from that door frame with no obstacles in the way.

so fingers crossed i can get this torn out this weekend and we see if i stop having headaches and migraines so often.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: what did you do that for Amelia: What? Jac: the presents Amelia: I had to go 🎁🛍 for my parents and it took like 10 minutes Jac: you went to three different shops, at least Amelia: yeah because what else was I going to do before they picked me back up Jac: study for your theory Jac: be one Amelia: 🥱 Jac: I ain't got you nothing Amelia: I don't want anything Jac: then that's a present in itself, I guess Amelia: yeah, you getting another from me by taking the out you were just given Jac: it was already 3-1 do you really have to add to your score Amelia: Always Jac: 🙄 Jac: were you invited then Amelia: to? Jac: Is' party Amelia: Yeah Amelia: but I don't know if it was by Is or her mum Amelia: or if we're talked enough that she'd really want me there Jac: yeah Jac: interesting choice, on her part Amelia: If I get there and her mum engineered it or it's obvious Is doesn't want me around I'll just give her the 🎁 and go Jac: you're going? Amelia: I have the 💌 I think I have to Jac: unlucky then Amelia: don't worry, I won't insist that you're my date Amelia: as a favour Jac: to her, so that's not another gift to me Amelia: it definitely is Amelia: you don't want to go Jac: wasn't invited Jac: but I do have somewhere better to be, which is unlucky for you Amelia: I'm not inviting you or mourning the loss of not having you with me Jac: well I was going to invite you to a party that wouldn't be sad as shit Jac: but if that's how you feel then alright Amelia: no you weren't Jac: Why would I say I was if I weren't, weirdo Jac: you know those really cool twins in 6th, Nat and Vee? Amelia: because I've already said I have to go to Is' and I don't really want to and you want to make me feel even worse Amelia: here's what I could've won Jac: Rude Jac: At Christmas, you have to tell the truth Jac: I thought you might wanna come and stare at them Jac: that's all Amelia: my parents literally lied to me about 🎅 for 8 years so no, you don't Amelia: and I don't know who you mean Jac: you can't lie about myths Jac: he could be real, they can't confirm nor deny Jac: anyway, yes you do Jac: Vee especially is pretty gay looking, she's Bi, I think Jac: [sends her these gals pictures] Amelia: if there's mistletoe I'll come Amelia: after I've been to Is' Jac: they throw really good parties, so I've been informed Jac: don't waste too much time then Amelia: okay Jac: I knew you'd like her Amelia: you sound like a really creepy mastermind in a lair Jac: I do live below ground now so Amelia: you can be mole, I'll be rat Jac: I suppose you've just been as insulting to yourself Amelia: 😂 Amelia: I'd have bought you that 📖 too but I know you've already read it Jac: It's good to have as many classics under your belt as possible Amelia: How did you know I'd like her? Jac: I've got eyes, don't need to be a huge gay Amelia: you just need to be hugely 🥴 Jac: Nah, I fucked their brother Amelia: I meant to 'like' anyone, I don't want or need to know that Jac: 🤷 Amelia: I'm serious Jac: Alright whatever Jac: and it's not true anyway, if it was I wouldn't be in this fucking mess would I Amelia: what mess? Amelia: you're going to need to be more specific Jac: ha ha Jac: if I only liked people when I was wasted, literally would not be here having this conversation Amelia: you're having this conversation because you can't bring yourself to say thanks for the gifts, Amelia Jac: If you expected a thank you, you wouldn't have given them to me Jac: if Sav was still here, this wouldn't be happening at all, is the point Amelia: we're dancing around it, that's okay, I'm a good dancer Jac: you aren't that good, humblebrag Amelia: at Christmas, you have to tell the truth, supposedly Jac: what, your ego is big but not big enough to deal? 😏 Amelia: giving me a compliment won't cause you to immediately wither and die, I'm sorry Jac: Precisely why I'd never bother, my dear Amelia: you've done enough anyway Jac: have I Amelia: I'll get loads at the parties Jac: cocky Amelia: I'm thinking they can't all be unwanted ones, naïve or optimistic if anything Jac: probably Jac: least you won't have to help Isabelle blow out her candles Amelia: if her mum made the cake they'll probably be lopsided and a 🔥 hazard Jac: true Jac: they usually tasted pretty good though Amelia: true Amelia: I'll stay for some Jac: don't offer to get me a party bag then Amelia: I'll just do it, whether you say you want one or not Jac: gift giving is your top love language, I get it Amelia: I just know you, that's all Jac: you know that I'm fat, is it Amelia: oh please Amelia: I'm not giving you a compliment that easily or obviously Jac: I'm probably not in the mood to work for it Amelia: 🤷 Jac: 🥱 Amelia: if you've got something better to do, go do it Jac: getting ready for the party, aren't I Jac: avoiding my family Amelia: right Jac: everything's always an ulterior motive with you Amelia: no it's not Jac: why can't we just have a conversation then Jac: we've done worse Amelia: because you're not in the mood evidently Jac: you're the one that's got fuck all to say Amelia: everything's always my fault with you Jac: I'm bored and you're doing nothing about it Amelia: that isn't my first priority Jac: then I'll find someone who's it is Amelia: okay Jac: 👏 Amelia: Sav's not here, remember Jac: don't bother coming to this party Jac: and if you show anyway, don't bother coming to find me Amelia: It wasn't about you, it's about the hosts Jac: I invited you, not them Amelia: and now you've uninvited me so same difference Jac: doesn't magically mean you're wanted Jac: I'm not gonna just turn up at Isabelle's house Amelia: I'm used to the feeling by now, so again, it's not going to bother me Jac: you're all being extra infuriating today Jac: jesus christ Amelia: yeah well Amelia: I don't know what to say to Is or to do Jac: you can't do anything Jac: but she's literally the most forgiving person to doormat degrees Jac: you'll barely have to say anything and she'll happy cry Amelia: Please come Jac: She won't wanna see me Amelia: re-read what you wrote before that Jac: it's different Jac: I'm not going to make her be my friend and forgive me, just because I know she would Jac: you didn't do anything wrong, really Amelia: I walked away, that's worse than anything you did Jac: it really isn't Jac: I'm too drunk now even if Jac: I'd only be a bitch by accident if not on purpose Amelia: at least wait for me then Amelia: we can go to the other party together Jac: Jesses got a show tonight Amelia: I know, I was invited to that too Amelia: everyone is Jac: not me Jac: I can't be here when they're leaving or everyone will try to force me and I'll die Jac: Jude is bad enough Amelia: Go to my 🏠 no ones there Jac: where are your parents Amelia: some dinner party thing Jac: alright Jac: thanks Amelia: I'll be back to get you after Is' Amelia: and my parents won't get back until we've left Jac: I can be gone before you, I just don't want to be here Jac: and Jude owes you her life so you can cash that in whenever you want Amelia: I don't want you to go without me or before me Jac: as long as it's for the right reasons Amelia: what are they? Jac: you know Jac: I'm just saying, if you're just saying that because you think I need to be on suicide watch or something too then I'll just have to hit you instead Amelia: I'm saying it because nobody shows up to cool parties early Jac: okay Jac: I'll wait Amelia: if you go through my 🎨 I'll be the one hitting you Jac: you shouldn't have said that Jac: but alright Jac: your parents are going to think I'm robbing you if they come back Jac: your mum better not get one of her famous migraines Amelia: I'm in danger of that if anyone is, don't worry Amelia: and it's clients of my dad's so she can't Amelia: he needs the 💸 Jac: take a nurofen and shut the fuck up 🐠 Jac: gotcha Amelia: 😂 Amelia: it's beyond unfair that she pretends to get them and I actually do Jac: it's because you're gay Jac: [that article 'cos it's true lmao] Amelia: oh my god Jac: actual proof of punishment from god or something else, you decide 🤔 Amelia: shhh Jac: oh, I'm sorry, is it your head Jac: I'll be quiet Amelia: no exorcist-ish apologies tonight will do fine Amelia: the dark room is being supplied Jac: at least you got one Jac: Jess is probably still waiting Amelia: he can hold his breath for a really long time 🏊🏼 Jac: helps with the singing Amelia: the show'll be online right? Amelia: I totally want to see it Jac: no doubt Jac: everything is Amelia: yeah, I figured Amelia: does that girl who's like obsessed with him still help him edit or did he finally pick up on her weirdness? Jac: I think she's still around Jac: I don't really ask Amelia: she's intense Jac: I hadn't really noticed but yeah Jac: I guess she is Amelia: maybe that's because I'm gay too Amelia: I could solve crimes Jac: no because it's only 'cos I was so into Sav that I don't know anything about it Amelia: that makes sense, I was so into you that I know too much about it Jac: that's not about me Jac: sounds like part-timer energy tbh Amelia: he's your brother Amelia: in your ⚪ Jac: if you say so Jac: maybe you're obsessed with him and you want rid of the competition Amelia: 🤢 Amelia: I'd more likely be obsessed with her and he's the competition so no because he's still living if not breathing while he holds his breath Jac: well I'm not even sure she exists now Jac: this is all some fantasy in your 🧠 Amelia: 👻 editor! Jac: ha 🤓 Amelia: 😎 Jac: yeah, I'll forward that to Vee, you'll be so in Amelia: you can't because I already wanna die Amelia: I'm so underdressed for this Amelia: everyone's 👗 Jac: what are you wearing, excuse the creep line Amelia: 😏 Amelia: but literally 👖 Jac: oh Amelia Jac: I've got more on to come sit at yours alone Amelia: it's because I'm gay, isn't it? 😕 Jac: yes but you always have been Jac: I doubt Is was expecting you to put on a party frock Amelia: she did say she liked my birthday one and that does haunt me Jac: well I think she was in a state of shock Jac: for good reason, as we all were Jac: myself not included, of course Amelia: 👧🏻 Amelia: thanks to my mum for everything Jac: cold ears for christmas Amelia: ear muffs gay or beanie gay? a fun quiz Jac: you want to be beanie but you're ear muffs Amelia: true Amelia: you're oversized scarf Jac: blanket but make it fashion Jac: duh Amelia: 🤗 Jac: Is is those massive felt hats everyone wears in Autumn Amelia: that's so accurate Jac: I know Jac: it's what I'm going to use my Psychology degree for Amelia: 😉 Amelia: what else is all that debt good for Jac: builds character Amelia: her 👗 is great though Amelia: I wouldn't but she won't be devastated that she did Jac: yeah? Amelia: Yeah Amelia: unlike me she doesn't seem to be having a really shit time Jac: has she talked to you? Amelia: not yet Jac: that's rude Amelia: Obviously she's said hi and thanked me for coming but I assumed that isn't what you meant Amelia: do you think I should leave? Jac: who's there Jac: is Kiersten with the braces Amelia: how did you guess? Jac: 'cos she's wanted to be mates with Is for ages but she thinks I'm stuck up Amelia: THAT'S rude Jac: she probably heard me and Savannah talking about her in Chemistry Jac: so she's got grounds Jac: who else, Gemma with the frizzy hair, Paige who told on you that time and got you your first detention... Amelia: Okay, before I tip this drink subtly over her, what did you say? Amelia: yeah and yeah Jac: it would've been Sav she overheard Jac: I'm quiet Amelia: and she's 📢👄 Amelia: sound probably really carries in Sligo Jac: I think she's got a boyfriend already Amelia: of course she will have Amelia: what else is she going to do at Catholic school when she isn't doing homework Jac: don't Amelia: I'm sorry Amelia: it's this, being here, I shouldn't have Jac: I don't think you can just leave though Jac: she probably doesn't want to talk talk like right now and ruin her party Jac: at least say you will, book in and a coffee in or something Amelia: it's not just that, it's too weird Amelia: there's like no place for me Jac: she's moved on hasn't she Amelia: yeah Jac: I shouldn't have made you walk away from her Amelia: you didn't Jac: I still feel like I did though Amelia: well whatever way you want to look at it, she's got new friends now Jac: so do you Jac: or could still Jac: Jess said everyone knows what your ex was like Amelia: he could've warned me Jac: I told him so Amelia: it doesn't matter, I don't have the energy Amelia: like you said, I should study more for my theory Jac: if it's any consolation, I am totally alone, and not just literally right now Amelia: you've got me, excuse you Jac: no, not friends, remember Amelia: ugh, fine Amelia: what are you doing though? Jac: I was about to ask if your parents were still as militant with their drink stash Jac: idk how they kept such a close eye on levels, crazy Amelia: they are but I'll be taking the risk and the punishment when I get there so feel free to start without me Amelia: as long as you don't get too drunk to go Jac: doubt they're so cool they need bouncers Amelia: I mean, I'll give you a 🐷y back or hold your hair but if you're 😪 there isn't much I can do Jac: 😇 Jac: me, you, you decide Amelia: me, clearly Jac: 🙄 Jac: braceface would HATE you Amelia: she can join in with Paige who's blatantly whispering about me Jac: she's the biggest goody-two-shoes Jac: she'd thrive in catholic school Amelia: She'll be plotting how to get me in trouble with Is' mum since school's out and there's no looming detention for me Amelia: I know how to make that really easy for her Jac: you'd think she was 7 not 17 Jac: what are you gonna do? Amelia: shut her up, the same way I always do Jac: don't, come here instead Amelia: but she's so annoying Jac: I know she is but I want you Jac: so come here before I change my mind Amelia: okay Jac: okay Jac: make sure you tell her you'll talk to her later Amelia: I did Amelia: 😇 Jac: good girl Amelia: I didn't get any 🎂 though Jac: I'd make you one Jac: but I might burn your house down so Jac: I have an idea though 💡 Amelia: what is it? Jac: hang on Amelia: no, I'll start 🏃 Jac: ta-da Amelia: 😳 Amelia: thanks for not telling me that's what you looked like when I was talking about being underdressed earlier Amelia: and for having that 💡 so I don't care anymore Jac: you always look perfect anyway, it doesn't matter what you wear Amelia: you do Jac: you too Jac: and you won't feel underdressed when you undress me Amelia: I look 😍 but I'm fine with it Amelia: as long as my parents don't get back before me Jac: I'm quiet, remember Jac: it's fine Amelia: it's not you I'm worried about Amelia: but I'm not that worried Jac: 😍 Jac: you're so adorable but also so hot Jac: it's rude Amelia: says you Amelia: you're the rudest person ever if that's the criteria Jac: oh no, Kiersten was right Amelia: she can have that one thing Jac: only if I can have you Amelia: there's no if Amelia: you have me Jac: good Jac: I need you, you know Amelia: I need you more, not because you love a competition, although if you do want to get competitive about it, that's cool too Jac: We can make it into a competition but what would I win? Amelia: 🤔 Jac: I can't think, I want to see you too badly Amelia: I get it, trust me Jac: You're the prettiest Amelia: no, I'm not Amelia: but I do love you the most Jac: don't be mean to yourself Jac: 😣 Amelia: sorry Jac: I can make you believe me, don't worry Amelia: I'm not worried about that either, I know you can Jac: you don't need to worry about anything Jac: not now Amelia: not now Amelia: I promise Jac: 😇 Amelia: 🥰 Jac: have you got a headache? Amelia: you don't need to worry either Amelia: not about me Jac: I just wanna know if I need to make that go away first before letting you touch me Amelia: I do have a headache but I would literally come back from the dead to see you so Jac: 🥰 Jac: still means I get to go first 😈 Amelia: 😇 if anything Jac: see what you think when we're waking up your neighbours Amelia: I'll be thinking the same thing because nothing's changing my mind about you but okay they'll probably think 😈👹👻👺 Jac: I've never heard you, properly Jac: either we have to be quiet or it's too loud to hear anything Amelia: but you know how hard I find trying to be quiet Jac: I wanna hear everything Amelia: you won't want me to 🤫🤐 once you have though Jac: yeah? Amelia: we'll have to find new places Jac: or I'll work out ways to make you louder at parties Amelia: okay Jac: only okay? Amelia: emphatically Amelia: like ! Amelia: like that's the best idea I've ever heard Jac: my nerdy baby Amelia: well now I don't want to correct it to 😎 Amelia: you win Jac: 😄 Jac: come here and be my prize Amelia: [will let you show up gal cos why not you've been running like a needy gay and it's not that far] Jac: [enjoy hens 'cos this is gonna be intense] Amelia: [the softness and love never lasts soz ladies] Amelia: [more importantly soz to these neighbours] Jac: [💔] Jac: [but love that lmao] Amelia: [thank god her parents aren't coming back yet because there is no being quiet if their lives depended on it now] Amelia: [I had an idea that while Jac is getting ready because even if she doesn't change her outfit she'll probably wanna fix her makeup etc whereas Amelia isn't wearing any she should start a new portrait, this time of them doing something intimate but not saucy lol because 1. that's gay 2. they're at her house so all her art stuff is right there 3. she can make it fit whatever vague af prompt she was given for holiday homework] Jac: [that's a good idea, I won't Katy Perry spoil it rudely, but just like, it better be vague enough that everyone in Art won't be 👀 lmao] Amelia: [don't worry gal we won't out you but actually those Katy Perry dramatics would be a good idea to remember if we ever want them to have a big row haha] Jac: [there is always time lmao, though for tonight I think it's easy enough to have the level of drama we want because like this all happens but then you're not allowed to be together at the party like you aren't even friends still so it's like the base level of getting along at a party vibes, which would obvs be upsetting every time, poor Amelia] Amelia: [agreed we'll keep it in our back pocket for later because tonight has enough going on, like literally every time you have moments like this and then she pushes you away after would be 💔] Jac: [let the fun commence] Amelia: [we all know she's kissing that girl under the mistletoe but is there anything else you want to happen] Jac: [I've got a picture to post in jealousy to that but nothing is gonna actually happen on her end, just pretending luvs, as for other party goings on, literally anything could, she's probably gonna blank their brother which will probably give Amelia that false hope] Amelia: [love that by which I mean hate that lol cos she's already got false hope from Jac inviting her to the party instead of just going on her own] Jac: [I know, the gag is it isn't really false hope but like it still is 'cos we aren't coming out at this party obvs lol, even if they can be more friendly 'cos it's not their year or their usual crowd] Amelia: [I like that because it's a less messy and more friendly vibe even though it means it'll hurt more the next party they go too that won't be like that/when shit hits the fan in like 2 days because of Savannah's love life] Jac: [just waiting for that confirmation hens, bit rude to ruin xmas but there we go] Amelia: [how dare you Savannah you know blocking someone means nothing because you have blatantly also stalked Jac to see what she's doing] Jac: [oh gals, i hope you think some boy is buying her channel] Amelia: [oh she do and that's one of many reasons we're getting with this boy now after hinting all month] Jac: [sorry to dis man but nah] Amelia: [he's not a sweetie like Ty we don't stan] Jac: [when you said one time that he reminded her of Jac LMAOOO] Amelia: [nobody is having a good 2 years is the point but I am DECEASED] Jac: [this is true, you're all going through it, that's the point] Amelia: [Sienna and Is are the only ones thriving] Jac: [god bless lol] Amelia: [can we say they go back to Amelia's after this party and then Jac has to sneak past her parents in the AM for the lols or is that too friendly, like the spare room does exist and I feel like she doesn't wanna go home after missing Jesse's gig] Jac: [yeah, I feel like tonight we would because the family drama is more than the amelia drama rn so we're not gonna turn down the spare room, it will be amusing and also, less funny, can worry the fam some more about where we are, ahh the joys] Amelia: [soz JJ soz everyone but I shall cackle because it's probably more like the afternoon when they wake up so Amelia's parents are just there living their vanilla life] Jac: [hope you don't use your spare room as a dressing room or something babes lollollol] Amelia: [they're just casually eating lunch while Jac tiptoes away] Jac: [oh god bless, at least you did have normal clothes to change into and you won't be in your hoe outfit to walk of shame] Amelia: [or have to borrow clothes off Amelia like this is awks but] Jac: [still a prepared bitch even at our lowest] Amelia: [virgo energy] Jac: [we can skip to them if you like, now we've got the energy of the night] Amelia: [fine by me boo] Jac: did your parents see me Jac: or hear Amelia: No, I captured all of their attention with that loud explanation of my 🎨 Jac: can put it on the fridge Jac: 👍 Amelia: not until it gets graded Jac: it's an As only appliance, gotcha Amelia: 😂 yeah that's why looks nothing like a gallery Jac: even imagining the sound of a 🎻 rn is making my head wanna burst open Amelia: if you're going to keep checking it, turn your phone brightness down Jac: why would I be Amelia: I'm such a great conversationalist Jac: so I hear Amelia: 😏 Jac: don't 😏 @ me Amelia: *😉 Jac: idiot Jac: how was she then Amelia: who? Jac: don't who at me either, you know who Amelia: okay but I don't know what you expect me to say Jac: then I don't need to check my phone, thanks for saving me Jac: and as I gave her to you, that makes us 2-4 Jac: I'll even the score later Amelia: you didn't give her to me, you gave yourself to me Amelia: and I gave her my number Jac: cute Amelia: why do you want to hear this? Jac: It's a while back to mine, even catching the bus Jac: got time to kill and nothing to kill it with Amelia: you should read the 📖 I gave you once the 🤯💊 kick in Jac: I doubt I'll have time with the bollocking I'll be getting once I finally get back Amelia: probably not Jac: looks like Jess' show is online though Jac: no one phantom'd him so there you go, there's your entertainment 'til she texts you Amelia: she might not Jac: yeah right Amelia: parties make everyone 😍🥰😘 Jac: she's definitely full time gay Jac: not gonna pretend she don't know you now Amelia: no, you were right the first time about her being bi Jac: same thing Amelia: it isn't Jac: when you're fucking her, it'll feel the same Amelia: it was just a 💋 Amelia: I don't even know if that'll happen again Jac: do you want it to Amelia: I don't know Amelia: why I do and why I don't are the same reason Jac: sounds confusing Amelia: Yeah Jac: couldn't be me Amelia: like I said, what do you expect me to say? Jac: nothing you haven't Amelia: you're not the only one 🤯 you know Jac: don't moan Jac: go outside Jac: fresh air helps Amelia: you're repeating advice my dad already gave Amelia: at least he's asking for 🛒🍌🥚🥕🍞🧀🍅 Jac: what the fuck is he making Amelia: that's not the full list Amelia: artistic licence if anything Jac: 🙄 Jac: not really A for effort Amelia: you're going to start marking me now, are you? Jac: maybe Amelia: okay Jac: it's cold Amelia: is that why you wanted me to go outside? Jac: to freeze to death or confirm that statement? Jac: neither seems worth it, so no Amelia: how far away are you? I don't have a blanket scarf but I can bring you something Jac: no Jac: you're right, Is' dress was quite nice Amelia: I'm right about you not needing to freeze to death too Jac: says you Amelia: it doesn't have to be like this Jac: like what, an Irish winter? Amelia: you're as stubborn as an Irish winter Jac: artsy Amelia: I'm supposed to be the dramatic one as well Jac: I'm not going to die of consumption on the bus home Jac: you're still the dramatic one, you can mope about how I won't accept help if you like Amelia: and you're getting the wrong kind of inspiration from the classics you've read Jac: have I spoiled the ending of this book? Jac: I'll pass it on, like Amelia: I'm not telling you the ending, read it Jac: you want me to write a book report so you can grade me too? Amelia: 😂 maybe Jac: 🤓 Amelia: ❌ Amelia: and it's not moping, it's caring Jac: no one asked you to either way Amelia: it's really cold Jac: the bus has heating, it's only gonna be a few minutes wait, then I can run back Amelia: I could wait with you Jac: why would you do that Jac: obviously not Amelia: because you're right about fresh air Amelia: and it might  🌨⛄️ Jac: then go to the park with all the other little kids Amelia: you want to know what kissing her was like, it was the opposite of this Jac: talking would get in the way of it Amelia: that's not what I mean and you know it's not Jac: I don't care what you meant Jac: I'm not threatened by Violet McLaughlin Amelia: it's not about her Jac: not for me it ain't Amelia: you make everything 10x harder than it needs to be Jac: if you can't cope Jac: then you don't need to worry about that, because we're not friends Amelia: for fuck's sake Jac: just go Jac: the supermarket is gonna be full of frantic people fighting over sprouts Amelia: if we're not friends there's literally no reason for me to make things that easy for you Amelia: so no Jac: we're not friends so I'll happily tell you to fuck off if you come anywhere near this bus stop Amelia: you either want me to 🛒 or you don't Jac: for god sake Jac: can your parents not take you Amelia: the whole point is he wants me to get out Jac: could he not come with so you don't go do some more reckless shit Jac: lazy parenting, tbh Amelia: he doesn't know about most of the reckless shit I do Jac: 🙄 case in point Jac: but don't worry, I won't call yours Amelia: it doesn't matter to me if you do Jac: I'm not interested enough to get you in trouble Amelia: unlike you I talk, it's no challenge for me to say whatever they need to hear Jac: you want an easy life Jac: I don't Amelia: I want a fucking life Jac: and the dramatics, right on cue Amelia: right Jac: you want a life, go do something about it Amelia: I already told you I'm not leaving Jac: we all will before you know it Jac: then we'll have no reason to stay in contact Amelia: we'll always have a reason Jac: How is it that Is has got it before you? Jac: she didn't need either of us at her party Amelia: I'm not Is, and guess what, I'm not Savannah either Jac: Yeah, you're not Amelia: they're gone and I'm not going anywhere, keep tipping your hourglass over and pretending like it'll be any different any time soon Jac: oh, fuck you Amelia: the bus stop is way too public for you Jac: you're not funny Amelia: it's not a laugh out loud kind of moment Jac: don't come here, get the next bus Amelia: I'm not going to, I've got 🎨 to finish Jac: Good Jac: because I would have to slap you even if it is a hate crime Amelia: you'd try Jac: I'm not fucking bragging, I wouldn't know what else to do Jac: I don't, these days Amelia: me either, I would still stop you though Jac: maybe Amelia: try it Jac: I'm not saying I want to either Jac: just leave me alone Amelia: no Jac: I'll leave you alone Amelia: that's never been what I want Jac: then it can be a threat Amelia: yeah, and it existed ages before you bothered to say it Amelia: it's all I think about already Jac: You knew what this was before it started Amelia: and? Amelia: I still know what it is Amelia: that doesn't mean it's okay Jac: then you should say no Amelia: You knew how I felt before this started Amelia: I can't Jac: and I'm committed to being a shit person Jac: I can handle that, if you can't then you have to address it Jac: I'm not doing it for you Amelia: I got that, you're not doing anything for me today Amelia: in the cold light of Jac: That's how it's been from the start Jac: it's not changing Amelia: it did change, last night was different Amelia: for a bit Jac: you just want that to be true Amelia: you just want to keep lying and gaslighting Amelia: I'm not stupid Jac: I was so drunk I can barely remember any of it Amelia: no you weren't because if you had been there would be nothing to remember Amelia: nothing would have happened Jac: you don't like being accused of things, neither do I Amelia: the predatory lesbian angle is tired, that's all Amelia: so am I Jac: I didn't wake you Jac: your parents dancing 'round the kitchen like this is a rom-com did Amelia: I know that Amelia: and you knew what my parents are like when you decided to sleep in the guest room Amelia: maybe 🧔👩🏻👧🏻 is their rom-com Jac: needs must Amelia: exactly Jac: I didn't say shit about your parents Amelia: we're not fighting about them Amelia: why would you? Jac: Then can you get to your point Jac: because this is tiring, and unnecessary, agreed Amelia: I've made them Amelia: points multiple Jac: Cool, bye then Amelia: 👋 Amelia: I've got no interest in dating Savannah Moore Jac: That's good, she's straight and gone Amelia: you sounded just like her Amelia: everything she said to you, repeated more or less word for word to me Jac: So? Jac: and you don't know what she said to me, you weren't there, you have no idea Amelia: so goodbye then Amelia: you told me, remember, that she said how beautiful you were etc Amelia: you're becoming an echo Jac: It isn't the same Amelia: she hurt you because everything she said didn't mean that she wanted to kiss you, be with you, any of the things you wanted Amelia: this is the same for me Amelia: you'll never kiss me how Violet did, you won't even take my fucking coat when it's about to snow Jac: it's different because she's fucking straight and you know I'm not Jac: but if that isn't enough for you then yeah Jac: bye Amelia: I know loads of things but how can it be enough when you spend have the time trying to make me doubt them Amelia: half* Jac: There's nothing I can or will do about that Amelia: you could be honest with me Jac: I have been, for fuck's sake Amelia: no, you lie to hurt me, that's literally the opposite Jac: No, I've told you loads of things, things I haven't told anyone else, and you admit that because you know them Jac: what you want, Amelia, is for me to come out and declare my love for you Jac: and I have never, ever, said I would do that Amelia: what I want, is you Amelia: not the person you're pretending to be to everyone else Jac: If I could be that person still, don't you think I would Jac: I'd do it for me, not you Jac: it's like I'm dead Jac: there isn't a switch where I can just bring that me back, she's gone Amelia: sometimes you are, so even if there's no switch, there has to be something Amelia: I'm not that crazy and you're not that dead Jac: well if you work it out, let me know Amelia: obviously Jac: It's not the same Jac: you can say it's fucked Jac: but you aren't being led on Amelia: okay Amelia: I'm sorry Jac: it's fine Amelia: it's not, I know you don't want to talk about her Jac: it's not how you think it was Jac: no one else would get it Amelia: it's between you and her Amelia: I don't have to get it Jac: yeah Amelia: has the 🚌 come yet? Jac: I'm going to town instead Jac: I'll buy a cheap coat, don't worry Jac: but work is open 'til Christmas eve, and they didn't expect me to work after term-time, but I'm gonna go offer Amelia: did the 🤯💊 really work that well? Jac: I think it was the cold more Jac: and I still don't wanna be there yet Jac: you know how big a thing Christmas is with my family, everyone will be coming over from wherever the fuck they reside, it's too much Amelia: yeah Amelia: at least your uni app will benefit Jac: and my pockets Jac: no presents really means I could save up Amelia: not if you spend all your money on coats Amelia: I'll bring you one, I'm serious Amelia: to work or wherever you are now Jac: likewise if you waste all your time on me, your 🎨 will never get finished Amelia: my 🎨 is technically a bigger waste of time Amelia: and when I go to uni I won't have any time for it anyway Jac: but still, a really good grade will help you get there, even if the subject isn't totally relevant Amelia: I'm already getting a good grade in that subject Amelia: are you out of excuses why I shouldn't help you now or what? Jac: Ugh Jac: you're so stubborn, it's rich you're trying to have a go at me for it Amelia: you're just annoyed that I'm giving you something else, but it's a borrow Amelia: I'm not 🤶🏻 Jac: maybe God can be a woman but Santa categorically is not Jac: what does his wife even do? Amelia: discipline the elves because he's a soft touch, obviously Amelia: are you still at the bus stop then? Jac: no, the bus came, but they're pretty regular, even from yours 🏡 Jac: assuming they'll have me for this shift...you can meet me whenever you get to this part of town, they're really good at giving breaks Amelia: I'm familiar with the bus schedule, my parents don't drive me EVERYWHERE, just a lot of places Amelia: okay then Jac: you're an only child, it'd be weird if you weren't a bit spoilt Amelia: it would mean I was an accident but I'm literally the opposite so Jac: n'awh Amelia: at least they cherish me Amelia: you literally do the opposite Jac: 😂 Jac: you aren't a miracle in general you know, only to them Amelia: rude Jac: sometimes you have to hear these harsh truths Amelia: ear muff gay remember Amelia: you'll have to sign it Jac: [video saying something offensive that Amelia should remember lol] Amelia: 😂 Jac: 😏 Amelia: Jess doesn't deserve all the free advertising he'll be getting on this bus ride but I'm not going back for my 🎧 Jac: You're so common Amelia: after what you just signed Amelia: hypocritical Jac: unless someone has their 👀s on your screen, I'm fine Amelia: or on you as you did it Amelia: which they probably did Jac: this bus is packed Jac: fucking Christmas Amelia: people look at you, it doesn't matter where or who else is around Jac: you make it sound like I'm something special Jac: people look at you too Amelia: it's not the same Amelia: people are usually looking at me because I'm doing something I'm not supposed to Jac: nah, it is Amelia: 😳🚏 Jac: you'd notice if you weren't so busy looking at me Amelia: if that's the criteria I don't want to notice Jac: such a line Amelia: No, you're SO nice to look at, is a line Jac: I know you're too much of a 🤓 to ever think you're smooth Amelia: I haven't got the misplaced confidence of a teenage boy, if that's what you mean Jac: you aren't your ex, yeah Amelia: I fucking hope not Jac: all the girls I've seen you go for Jac: have really dark hair Amelia: I guess Jac: and are ethnically ambiguous, but like, more noticably than I am Amelia: where are you going with this? Jac: it's just what I've noticed Jac: you have a type but it isn't me Amelia: or you are my type and they're not Jac: I knew you'd say that Amelia: because it's true Jac: saying I defy all types would be more of a line Jac: so I'll believe you Amelia: Do you want to get ☕ with me? Jac: I can't Jac: like, genuinely Jac: we got up late, now I'm here begging for work, I better actually do some Amelia: okay, I'll bring it to you Amelia: and there'll probably be loads of people from school everywhere anyway Jac: yeah Jac: loads of people in our year reckon they're trying the pubs Christmas eve Jac: as if half of them look serve-able Amelia: are you going to go? Jac: I don't think so Jac: it's just for the brag of getting in and getting served, they're especially militant this time of year Jac: easier ways to get drunk we use every other day of the year Amelia: true Amelia: but you do love a competition Amelia: and a brag Jac: if I wanted to get served that bad, I'd go to my granda's Jac: I dunno Jac: are you gonna go? Amelia: I doubt my mum will let me break tradition for that Jac: of course Amelia: though I should probably go see your great grandad before they notice how much of their drinks cabinet we raided Jac: 😬 Jac: can't exactly break my no present rule to buy them a bottle or two Amelia: that'd be offensive, you won't break it for me Jac: spoilt brat 😂 Amelia: we missed a really good show 🎸🎵 Jac: I can't believe you're listening to it out loud Amelia: of course you can Amelia: it's exactly the kind of thing I'd do Jac: I'd be so embarrassed Jac: I'd move Amelia: if you were here I'd be able to steal your 🎧 Amelia: you never forget anything Jac: it's not hard Amelia: I was rushing Jac: you just really wanted a ☕ right Amelia: why else Jac: indeed Amelia: I can't believe how hard creepy editor is going with some of these close ups Amelia: it's really ruining it for me Jac: disgusting Jac: I won't be tuning in Amelia: if only it was so easy for you to avoid him in person, right? Jac: it's pretty easy Jac: though unfortunately he keeps all his music crap downstairs so Amelia: have I ever mentioned how great it is being an only child? Jac: 😒 Jac: fuck off Amelia: 😂 Amelia: I'm going in the wrong direction to Jac: I punched the wrong sibling though Amelia: what? Jac: not close enough to clock the concealer 👎 job editor Amelia: you did that? Jac: yeah Amelia: what happened? Jac: he tried to stop me going out Amelia: why? Jac: 'cos he's an idiot Amelia: okay Jac: I didn't think he'd actually try to stop me Amelia: it doesn't seem like something he'd usually do Jac: everyone's stressed Jac: obviously Amelia: has he tried to stop you since? Jac: I think we've mutually done our best to ignore each other Jac: it was a while ago, actually Jac: after your birthday Jac: time is weird Amelia: Jac Amelia: that was ages ago Jac: not THAT long ago Jac: what's your point? Amelia: I don't know Amelia: I feel stressed now Jac: why, you didn't punch him Jac: or make me Amelia: 😕 Jac: Come on Jac: calm down Amelia: this bus doesn't have a calming atmosphere Jac: how many screaming kids Amelia: they're the majority Jac: ew Jac: I have too many cousins Amelia: me too and I don't have hardly any in comparison Jac: I'm dreading it Jac: xmas Amelia: I wish we could just skip it Jac: same Amelia: my parents think I'm oblivious to the fact they're planning to use their New Year's party to set me up with someone Jac: that's cute Jac: how have they even found another gay for you Amelia: they've found more than one, it'll be a speed dating event with my entire extended family in attendance Amelia: that's not cute Jac: no, it's not, it's weird Jac: but I was trying to be polite Amelia: you're nicer to my parents than you are to me Jac: you'd have a go at me if I weren't Amelia: 🤔 Jac: what are you 🤔 about Amelia: if I should have a go at you for acting like I have a go at you all the time Jac: go ahead and answer your own question Jac: then you'll have a go at me for making you have a go at me over whether or not you're always having a go at me Amelia: 😣 Jac: 😏 Amelia: am I? Jac: just now Jac: but I treat you like shit so if you weren't it'd be more damning Jac: not before Amelia: oh great Jac: what do you mean? Amelia: I mean what I just said, I'm thrilled to hear that Jac: 🤨 Jac: okay Amelia: Where do you want me to meet you? Jac: I'll come out Jac: you remember where it is, my work Amelia: Yeah Amelia: I only have a couple of stops left Jac: I thought you were getting me coffee Amelia: there's a place right near there, I remember that too Jac: fair enough Jac: carry on Amelia: I'm not THAT hopeless at geography Jac: your memory is decent, you can have that Amelia: thanks Jac: don't mention it Amelia: 🤫🤐 Jac: I'll pay you back, for the coffee Jac: can't afford any more gifts from you Amelia: feel free to put the money in my coat pocket when give it back Jac: good idea Amelia: maybe I'll find something else I had no idea was in there when I do the search Jac: knowing you Amelia: yeah, a miracle, we all know ✨ Amelia: next year I'll just get you one big 🎁 Amelia: then we can have ☕ together Jac: if you pull 🥖🐟 out of your pocket, that's gonna seem more disgusting than miraculous Jac: at least next year, we'll both be able to drive Jac: and this will all be that much closer to being over Amelia: I'll actually know what I'm doing with my gap year if buts and maybes, that'll be weirder Jac: will it be backpacking in Thailand or building orphanages in Africa Amelia: my parents would still prefer 🥖🐟 Amelia: so if they get their way it'll be neither and nothing Jac: if you're gonna do it you have to do it properly Jac: or it's just a waste of time Amelia: the entire point is to waste more time after 🎓 and before 🤓💻📝 Amelia: it's a stalling tactic Jac: 🙄 Amelia: 😏 Jac: you're gonna be 2 years older than half your class by the time you get there Amelia: so? Amelia: it's not a speed dating event either Jac: so they're all going to seem really immature Amelia: boys always are Amelia: I've coped with that all through school Jac: Uni is about not dealing with that Jac: having a fresh start Amelia: exactly, I'll be there to 🤓💻📝 Jac: yeah right Amelia: not much of a fresh start otherwise Jac: exactly, you aren't going to have a personality overhaul in a year or two Amelia: 😂 Amelia: I'm thrilled you don't think 💔 has changed me Jac: only for the worse, obviously Amelia: you sound like my mum now Amelia: she's texting me 'please don't act like this when your grandparents arrive tomorrow' Amelia: like what? 🤶🏻 okay Jac: ooh, no 🥛🍪 for you Amelia: 🥺 Jac: you'll be fine Jac: just don't ruin christmas by being gay Amelia: that was last year's drama Jac: precisely why you don't need to go for 2 Amelia: why I'd find a new way to ruin it if I was going to Jac: 👍 Amelia: it was Is who copied you, I'm fine with letting you do your own thing Jac: they'll be too busy to care Jac: and not talking isn't ruining anything Jac: enough loudmouths running about Amelia: if you leave it at that Jac: what else would I do, shit in the christmas pudding Amelia: punch one of your other family members Amelia: just an idea I pulled out of nowhere though Jac: only if they get in my way Jac: which they're unlikely to do now Amelia: Jude isn't Amelia: getting in your way is her number 1 skill Jac: and mine happens to be avoiding her Amelia: it's in the top 10, I don't think I'd put it first Jac: I've managed not to punch anyone since Jac: it's fine Amelia: you were threatening to hit me not long ago Amelia: but alright Jac: because you were threatening to get in my space Jac: everyone just needs to leave me alone when I tell them to Jac: it's not hard Amelia: it's my fault, that's really what you're going with? Jac: yes Jac: you were going to get in my face when I explicitly warned you not to Jac: I didn't just attack you, and I didn't just attack Jess Amelia: okay Jac: fuck's sake Jac: it's alright for you all to push me and ignore my boundaries Amelia: because I can't keep up with what your boundaries are Jac: no, you just think you can push through them Amelia: no, you keep moving close to me and then away Jac: and you only accept one of those Amelia: so do you Jac: whatever Jac: this is pointless Amelia: any time I try to do anything that looks remotely like moving on, you know exactly what you do, so don't pretend this is all me Jac: I weren't talking about that Amelia: no, you were talking about how much you want me to fuck off Amelia: come outside and I can Jac: [does] Amelia: [we giving her this coat and coffee like okay bye as if we didn't come all this way/have anywhere else to be, oh gal] Jac: [kissing her on the cheek like we would've done without thinking as friends but now it's a big deal, but then running like bye] Amelia: [we're all dying and running away nbd]

[weabbynormalblog]

Keep strong...

I've had this message on my board all week. So I must of looked at it more than a dozen times since then. What does it mean, what am I trying to say? I stare at it, percrasting not putting laundry away, but washing the floor instead. I struggled with it, the grammar and text of the sign. Should it "be strong" or "stay strong"? Why did I decided in "keep strong" versus "be strong"? Strong can refer to physical and mental strength. Staying with the program that's the "keep" part and the "strong" part is not giving it up for good.

At my worst, it was tempting to end it all. I also wrestle with cutting behavior and body numbness. It isn't easy being me. I know I can change and heal; I've done it before. I am strong. I overcame my dyslexia by the time I was 25. I have over came back injuries, 4 times now in my life and still healing from the last time. I was in a wheel chair for a year due to a frozen sciatica. Ive had successful shoulder surgery too. I gave up smoking over 20 some odd years now. I've survived and recovered from a nasty divorce, lost business and financial ruin. I've also lost 200lbs and avoided diabeties. I thought I had seen it and done it all.

Now I'm a brain injury survivor with chronic pain and fatigue. I'll get through this and so will you!

Can you keep strong and have the ability to ask for help when needed? If you're an over achiever like myself, your pride takes a bit of a dip in having to ask. I know, it's hard to be the one needing help. Especially if it was the other way around before. Now it's time to get past it! It's ok that we need help with some tasks, and that there are things we don't know how to communicate. Then there's things that I can do that others can't. One of my best gifts is my creativity. I can make something out of nothing. Whatever a sweater boom there it is, a minion pinayta for a party, a desk organizer, a bird feeder; some people can't even visualize it, never mind create it. Even Greta Nuremburg speaks of her handicap as a gift. It let her cut through the bullshit to form a direct line to help climate change. There's a certain stubbornness that seems to develop with learning disabilities/brain injury/mental illness etc. For me I'm sure its a coping mechanism. Its my brain working out how to make sense out of all this data. It gets overloaded at the strangest times, it seems. Still lots of mystery in my head. As a person that has difficulties decoding, speaking and hearing, sometimes adapting means putting myself in the middle of everything. I need to arrange things so that I can understand and communicate better, which isn't always possible. I'm fortunate to have a person to help when I need to get groceries or run errans. I'm still too limited with my mobility to drive most days. For everything else I do more with less. I can't hear on the phone. Add accents of any kind to conversations like West Indian, British, French or German... It's the worst for me and then we play a game show called What did you say? I'll take M as in Michael please. I dont do phone calls on days that I'm not up to the task. Forget everything if I have a migraine or my pain is past 6 and I had a rough night. Phone calls, get them out and done first thing in the am. I don't play telephone tag either. When leaving a message state a day and time that works better for them to reach you. I do everything I can possibly do with text messages and email. I process information best like this, the written word. Yeah, I'm not much of a conversationalist these days in person, unless its 1 on 1 or maybe you need a monologue or speech delivered? While writing offers some communication relief theres still grammar errors and spelling mistakes, but more or less writing is stress free for me, even enjoyable opposed to trying to follow a conversation between 3 or 4 people and remember names.

On bad brain days all my disabilities can be too much; then with the chronic pain and fatigue on top of that? Just kill me now? Or maybe now? Screw going anywhere! Ever! It's a head in a jar rough day, my body doesn't respond well to anything. Walking and talking is over ratted at this point; all I can do is rest. I feel defeated by my own body. See you have to "Keep Strong" even when your body can't. So no deal, less urgent tasks fall to the wayside. Sorry I got to bail out on that date again. In the moment I just want to give way, let it all go and become a gelatinous mass that can ooze up and down the stairway, absorb nutrients by oozing on them and Ah...don't move just emit blob like behavior.

Recently I joined the local Chronic pain and fatigue organization, there is no brain rehabilitation in my area, so much for Medicare. I'm so grateful that this .org exists. It's great when I can get out to the activities. The Yoga, it was great! Low impact just what I needed. I was in bed for 2 days after that. This Thursday Yoga came and went with my sadness. I did my at home version instead. Today again is not one of those going out days. That's perfectly fine with me. I know when I'm not good with other people or getting around. There's no point in being angry, tired, frustrated and in pain.

So when faced with "keep strong" laying in my bed. I know that caring for myself is not giving in to limitating beliefs but allowing myself to becoming stronger in the long term by understanding and treating my physical limitations today instead of making like the other regular sheep. I still meet my short term goals on stretching, hydrating and eating well. The basic chores still gets done. You need to remind your self that resting is a part of the healing process. This part is about concentrating on my health and supporting my own recovery. No one can do that for you. Understanding our limitations is not a weakness! Adaptation by trial and error. What works, what doesn't and concentrate on what does work for you. Forgive yourself for not being up to task. I know it's hard to believe that it's is a gift. It is a strength and a gift to be able to face the tough stuff. We get to see the world we live in another way opposed to those entrenched in the rat race. It's not about fitting in society. It's about taking your space, finding your power and place; just as you are. I no longer feel that I'm missing out in life. I'm working on healing myself. I haven't lost the war, I'm just taking a breather. So go on ahead, I'll catch up eventually. This dang boulder won't stop rolling down the hill. Hold on, I'll go get another boulder to stop this one...