#and remus is a college professor idk why but it seems right

[e1derel]

band au

[maraudersandlily20]

ok dorcas and marlene as chaotic professors at the same university? could be an AU, could just be Hogwarts

As told in Text Conversations: 

Groupchat: Picasso is a Bitch 

Dorcas: New Teacher alert.

Lily: Department?

Dorcas: Engineering

Remus: Sounds hot

Dorcas: shut up immediately.

Remus: you’re not my mom

Lily: M or F

Dorcas: F

Remus: Dammit

Lily: seem nice?

Dorcas: idk. I didn’t get the chance to actually talk to her. It was more like a moment in passing. She was surrounded by guys, though

Remus: what a lesbian move

Lily: how… how is that even a thing?

Remus: Lils, are you dumb? If girls ONLY hang out with guys, chances are they’re butch. Or they know they aren’t attracted to guys and are wild as fuck and have nothing to lose. They have no one to impress, really. Those are the only two options.

Dorcas: Jesus

Remus: No, I’m sure he wasn’t there

Dorcas: I have to leave this conversation before I physically kill Remus Lupin. Talk to you both later.

Lily: Lunch in our usual spot?

Remus: Tell me if you see the Lesbian again.

Remus: Also, where the fuck is Alice?

---

Groupchat: The Walking Dead

Sirius: Well lads, I dropped off the love of our lives at school. Felt like a proud parent. Almost cried.

Marlene: You are aware that I know how to make explosives from scratch right? I’ve been aching to do it for a while, so you wanna keep doing this? Is this happening?

James: I need him, though. We’re gonna get married eventually. So no. You are not allowed to blow him up

Marlene: Fuck

Peter: How's the new campus? 

Marlene: Small. I mean, it’s a lot smaller of a university, harder to get into and all that. But still. For a place that boasts a great deal of wealth, they certainly don’t show it in building size. 

Sirius: That’s how you know they have money. They have nothing to prove. Classic rich people move.

Peter: You should know.

James: Did you get settled though, Mars? 

Marlene: Enough. I still have to set up the lecture hall to my liking, but it’s nice to have an office that will probably be permanent. And I saw your door just a few down from mine, Jamie boy! Sirius: I should have become a professor. I feel left out. I hate being left out.

Peter: You have the right degree, Paddy. You could be a professor if you wanted.

Sirius: Desk jobs are gross. No thank you. Also, children.

Marlene: It’s not a desk job. And, like, these children are basically full grown adults.

Sirius: Physically, maybe. But I remember what we were like at their age. Mentally, they belong in daycare. 

James: You’re just bitter because those college boys outdrank you the other night.

Sirius: THEY FUCKING CHEATED!

Peter: They didn’t though

James: Whatever you say, Pads.

Marlene: Also, I just saw a very beautiful woman. Will keep you updated if I see her again.

Sirius: WHY ARE YOU ONLY SAYING THIS NOW?!?!

---

Groupchat: Picasso Is a Bitch name changed to Hamlet, that’s fucking gay

Remus: Any sign of the lesbian?

Dorcas: No. 

Alice: What? What Lesbian?

Lily: Oh, while you were sick, Dorcas saw a very pretty girl. Remus thinks she’s a lesbian.

Alice: Ooh, that’s fun! 

Remus: I don’t THINK Lily, I know. 

Dorcas: You haven’t even seen her

Remus: Irrelevant. 

Lily: Do you guys know if Potter is back?

Alice: I saw him this morning. He was getting coffee.

Remus: I love that man so much. He’s so beautiful I could literally cry. With that hot caramel skin and that wild hair and how he always smells like some weird spice. I want him to be the father of my children.

Lily: Don’t encourage him.

Remus: He’s not even here.

Lily: He can sense your enthusiasm. So shhhhh

Alice: Do we still not like him?

Lily: No.

Dorcas: You know it was an accident, Lils. 

Lily: You don’t know that. And I don’t know that. And who in their RIGHT MIND asks someone out after they’ve pushed them into a fountain? Like, the audacity?!

Remus: At least he’s authentic

Lily: Yeah, an authentic bitch. 

Alice: Lol.

Alice: I’m honestly really interested in this Lesbian situation, though. Can we get back to that?

Remus: She’s in the engineering department. So if your cute little math loving butt just wanted to wander over there…

Alice: I’m on my way. 

Dorcas: Why are we friends? You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.

Dorcas: ALICE

Lily: They’re doing it out of love.

Dorcas: Well their idea of love is something I am not interested in. 

Alice: Blonde?

Dorcas: Fuck.

Remus: Is she blonde, Dorcs?

Remus: IS SHE?!

Dorcas: Yeah.

Alice: Marlene McKinnon. Blonde, blue eyed, I’d say 5”8, 5”9. Masters in Engineering. Very nice.

Remus: Alice, I fucking love you

---

Groupchat: The Walking Dead changed to Update, I’m still gay

Sirius: Why the name change?

Marlene: Needed to get your attention

James: But like… with that?

Marlene: It fucking worked, didn’t it?

Peter: What happened?

Marlene: I saw that beautiful woman again. And I was right. She was beautiful.

Sirius: Sounds riveting.

Marlene: I told you I’d keep you updated, and I am. Stop being ungrateful.

Sirius: Yes commander

James: Who was it?

Marlene: Don’t know. Short, black, curly hair?

James: Where did you see her?

Marlene: She was getting a plate of spaghetti in the Canteen.

James: Hm……….. 

Sirius: James doesn’t know anyone because he’s too busy mooning over Evans.

James: I am so much stronger than you. Do not come for me right now

Peter: Sirius, you have an appointment here, come down.

Sirius: Fuck. 

James: Peter, you know you can just text him personally, right?

Peter: I can’t shame him publicly if I only text him. 

Marlene: Facts.

James: Did you talk to her?

Marlene: Nah, she was with people. I wanted to though. She seems lovely. 

James: Lovely? Who are you and what have you done with Marlene McKinnon.

Marlene: She’s dead now. I’ve inhabited her body. 

Sirius: Thank god, she was a bitch.

Peter: SIRIUS

James: I’ll keep an eye out for her. Let me know if you want me to scout it out.

Marlene: Okay, James Bond

---

Groupchat: Hamlet, that’s fucking gay changed to Dorcas McKinnon has a nice ring to it

Dorcas: Remus, stop changing the group chat name. I know where you live.

Remus: We live with each other.

Dorcas: Exactly.

Lily: Are there lesbian updates????

Remus: I met her. She was wandering around, looking for a pop machine. 

Alice: Yay! I love Lesbian updates

Remus: Good news: she’s funny. Like, super funny.

Lily: Saying good news like that often means there is bad news to follow

Remus: She’s uh… friends with Potter.

Dorcas: Uh-oh.

Alice: Oh no.

Lily: I’m really sorry that you have to eternally break up with this woman, Dorky. Because NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. ANYONE who is friends with James Potter is not worth knowing.

Alice: That’s pretty judgemental, lils.

Lily: .... And?

Remus: Luckily, you don’t have to date her.

Dorcas: No one is dating ANYONE. Jesus, you guys. Chill out about this whole thing

Remus: I don’t think that’s physically possible. 

Dorcas: Can we talk about anything else?

Alice: Frank is taking me out for sushi tonight. 

Remus: I would marry Frank in five seconds, if he’d let me

Alice: I’ll let him know. 

Remus: Thank you, I appreciate it.

---

Groupchat: Update, I’m still gay changed to Emotionally Unavailable Idiots

Sirius: I have met the love of my life.

Marlene: Stop being dramatic

Sirius: Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? He quoted the Princess Bride with me. Word for Word? Marlene, I must marry this man. WHO IS HE?

Peter: Why do I keep missing all of the fun stuff?

James: The fun stuff is watching Sirius gay panic over a stranger?

Peter: Yeah. Obvs.

Marlene: He’s the lit professor.

James: Lupin?

Marlene: I think so, yeah. 

Sirius: An english nerd. Perfect. He can read me poetry while I give people tattoos. We’ll make millions. 

Marlene: I think… he wants to be my friend. He’s come around a few times. He even brought me coffee once, with a croissant. I didn’t know people were so nice to strangers. Am I in a hallmark film?

Peter: It’s cause you're such a catch, Mars. 

Marlene: I will shove that “catch” up your ass, Pettigrew, if you don’t stop being stupid.

James: Impossible. Stupidity is Peter’s middle name. 

Sirius: Yeah Peter Marcus Stupidity Pettigrew.

Peter: My middle name isn’t Marcus.

Sirius: Wait really?

Peter: No?

Sirius: Why the fuck did I think it was Marcus?

James: I think Lupin is bi, Sirius. So…

Sirius: James, you are the other love of my life. I will kiss you when you get home. You provide me with the most valuable information and attention. I can never truly repay you.

James: Finally. Getting the recognition I deserve. Can’t wait.

Sirius: Marlene, please. Be his friend, I am begging you. I will give you our first born child.

Marlene: Pass.

---

Groupchat: Dorcas McKinnon has a nice ring to it changed to I won’t hesitate bitch

Alice: Marlene is so nice

Lily: You’re all traitors. She’s friends with the enEMY

Dorcas: I thought Remus was supposed to be the dramatic one

Remus: I’ll take that as a compliment

Dorcas: Whatever helps you sleep at night. 

Alice: Seriously though. She’s so nice. A lot of my students have her and they’ve been gushing. Apparently she’s one of the best professors some of them have ever had.

Remus: Damn. High praise. 

Lily: Still skeptical

Alice: She asked about you, Dori. 

Dorcas: wait, what?

Remus: ALICE SAY MORE RIGHT NOW?!?!

Alice: She said she had noticed that you and I are close and she wanted to know about you. What your name is, what you teach, how long you’ve been working here, if you were single.

Dorcas: She did not ask that.

Remus: Dorcas, shut up forever. Alice is talking. Alice, my love, please continue. 

Alice: I may have invited her to eat lunch with us.

Dorcas: Uh…

Lily: You did what?

Alice: She’s new, Lily. I’m trying to help her make friends.

Lily: You did it, didn’t you. 

Alice: ummm

Lily: YOU TOLD HER SHE COULD BRING JAMES POTTER, DIDN’T YOU

Alice: He’s her friend. I couldn’t exclude him.

Lily: I never thought this would happen to me. To be betrayed so thoroughly by my own friends. I don’t even have the words. 

Alice: Who knows, it might be fun?

Remus: I’m so excited I could burst

Dorcas: Is it legal to drink on campus in the middle of the day?

Remus: Unfortunately not. Trust me, I’ve tried.

---

Marlene McKinnon to Dorcas Meadowes

Marlene: It was nice of all of you to invite me to lunch. I know it was probably awkward for all of you to have to spend time with a stranger. But I really appreciated it. 

Dorcas: No problem. You’re always welcome.

Marlene: Maybe… we could go get something to eat off campus sometime?

Dorcas: Yeah, of course. We go to the bar on Wright all the time.

Marlene: Oh, I meant like… just you and me. Actually.

Dorcas: Oh.

Marlene: Yeah. Did I guess wrong?

Dorcas: Guess wrong?

Marlene: About you being into women?

Dorcas: Ohhhh…

Marlene: ??

Dorcas: What did you have in mind? For our date?

Marlene: Wait, is that a yes?

Dorcas: I expect like, first class treatment, because I’ve seen you in action now. Anyone who can wrangle James Potter like that is someone who deserves knowing. So yeah. It’s a yes.

Marlene: Yay! Okay, you won’t regret it!

Marlene: Also, my friend is in love with Lupin.

Dorcas: wait, James? 

Marlene: Lol. Nah, James is still hung up on Lily. She’s wonderful, by the way. Tell her I’m grateful she was so kind. I know about what James did last year, so I can understand her bitterness. Fucking funny, though, to see it in person.

Marlene: It’s my other friend, Sirius. He owns the tattoo parlor, Cannis Major, on Levi. 

Dorcas: Hmm. Well, let me know what I can do. I’m sure we can get them in the same room at some point.

Marlene: Are you offering to meddle in people’s lives?

Dorcas: Is that okay?

Marlene: Dorcas Meadowes, I’m pretty sure I’m already halfway in love with you. 

Dorcas: Thank god. 

--------------------

This has been in my ask box for literal months. I’m sorry @tonftyhw !! I had finals and stress and I don’t know how to write. I hope this makes you smile though.

Clarifier for who teaches what if anyone is interested:

Lily-History

Remus-Literature

Dorcas-Art (painting)

Alice-Math

James-Chemistry

Marlene-Engineering/Physics

Sirius owns a tattoo shop because I will die for that AU every time. And Peter works with him, kind of like the brains of the business.

Should I write more of this? It was so fun lol 

[thejilyship]

Blind Dates and Good Graces

I wrote a one shot!

I know, what? I don’t do that very often. And when I do, I write them in one go and very spur of the moment.This one was inspired by a prompt, but very loosely so I’m not going to bother posting the prompt. 

Summary: Mary wants to set Lily up with a stranger. She’s not interested because she’s not in the market to get murdered, but also because she’s crushing on someone else. Mary, however, won’t let up. 

college/texting au

WC: 2.2K 

ff.net | ao3

Lily sat down in her lab seat with a dramatic sigh. She should shove her phone into her bag and ignore her friends for the next two hours. She should pull out her notebook and look over her notes from last class. She should, quite possibly, get new friends all together and just call it with Mary. They’d had a good ten years of friendship, but all good things come to an end eventually, and maybe this was the anthill that they couldn’t get over.

But instead, she pulled out her phone and continued to feed the troll.

Mary: You never do anything I tell you. It’s not fair.

Marlene: It’s like you don’t trust her, Lily

Lily: Marlene, stay out of this, you’re not helping

Mary: I feel like you don’t TRUST ME

Lily: See what you did?

Marlene: She just wants you to meet the bloke. What’s the worst that could happen?

Marlene: Pretend I didn’t say that

Mary: Why would you say that??? Men are the worst, literally anything could happen at any time!

Lily: Men are the worst. So why do you want me to go out with one of them?

Lily: One that I’ve never met before?

Mary: yes, I understand your very valid points, but! I have met him, and he is hilarious and charming and dorky and sweet and exactly the kind of guy that you’d like

Lily: This conversation is making me itchy

Marlene: Come on, Mary. You know Lily is allergic to dating, lay off a bit

Mary: Who’s side are you on, Marlene?

Marlene: idk and idC

Lily: Alright, class is starting. You can harass me later

Mary: Just agree to meeting him! I can be there! It doesn’t have to be a date!

Lily shut off her phone and pushed it to the far corner of her desk. Once it was no longer in her hands, she went about getting ready for class.

“Lo, Evans,” She turned and smiled at the boy who took a seat next to her. The boy who was probably the real reason that she didn’t really want anything to do with Mary’s hilarious and charming boy.

“Afternoon, Potter,” He smiled back at her and pushed his hair back, away from his forehead and then ruffled it up. He was always doing that, but Lily, who had spent much time inspecting his hair during the course of their shared class, thought that it would probably have been just as unruly if he hadn’t. She thought it looked soft too.

And one time, he’d dropped his pencil and she leaned over to get it for him just a second after he had, and she got a face full of his hair. It smelled amazing. She couldn’t identify the smell, but whatever it was, she wanted to smell it again.

“You ready for lecture?” He asked, putting his notebook on an angle so he was facing her as much as he was facing the board. He’d been doing that lately. Lily ducked her head and smiled to herself as she dug through her bag for a pen.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” She said. This wasn’t anyone’s favorite lecture, and it was a long one. But at some point in the last couple of weeks, this had been the class that Lily was most looking forward to.

Her phone started buzzing again and Lily closed her eyes for a moment and shook her head.

“What’s going on there?” James asked, glancing at her phone and then going back to doodling. “Sounds like someone really wants to talk to you.”

“Yeah, it’s my friend Mary. And probably Marlene too. They’re harassing me.”

“Ah,” He smiled, adding more lines to his doodle. “And what are they harassing you about?”

Lily felt herself flush a little and she started tapping her pen on the table. “Mary wants to set me up on a blind date.” She blurted out.

“A blind date? I didn’t know people still did those.”

“Right?” Lily relaxed now that he seemed to be agreeing with her. “And she won’t let it go. But I don’t want to go out with someone that I don’t even know. That sounds terrible.”

“It does sound terrible.” James put his pencil down and ran a hand through his hair. “So she’s not listening to you then? I mean, I assume you’ve told her that you don’t want to do it.”

Her phone buzzed again.

“Of course she’s not listening!” Lily pulled her phone over to her again.

Mary: He and his mates are throwing a party this weekend

Marlene: I like parties

Mary: I was invited and you could come with me and Reggie! That would be a super lowkey way to meet him

Mary: Marlene, I was talking to Lily, not you.

Marlene: Sometimes I feel like you don’t love me

Mary: there’s no need to be dramatic

Marlene: Really? I thought that was kind of our MO

Mary: Okay, but our MO is like fight club. We don’t talk about it

Marlene: Why do you want Lily to date this boy so much?

Mary: I don’t even know! I normally am a strong advocate for everyone staying single as long as they can, otherwise you end up like me, married and boringly monogamous at a ridiculously young age, but I just feel like they’re supposed to know each other

Mary: Does that make sense?

Marlene: I guess

Marlene: You def got married to young

Mary: Yeah, why did you let me do that

Marlene: Because you and Reggie are soulmates and it made your taxes cheaper

Mary: Right, I forgot about the monetary advantages

Mary: LILY! YOURE BACK! I CAN SEE YOU

Marlene: not for long if you keep yelling at her!

Lily: I’m in class. I’m going to mute you both if you don’t stop.

Marlene: Don’t be jealous, Lily. Mary and I can talk without you if we want

Mary: Yeah, and we can talk about you if we want

Lily: I’m busy this weekend. I’m not going to any party with you

Mary: What are you doing this weekend? I live with you. I know you don’t do shit.

Lily: I DO LOTS OF THINGS

 She clicked off the screen and pushed it away again with another huff.

James chuckled. “She’s still not letting up?”

“No,” Lily whispered, as their professor had now started the lecture. “Now she wants me to go to a party he’s throwing with his friends this weekend. I don’t know him or his friends, why do I want to go to their party?”

“I wouldn’t want to go to a party where I don’t know anyone,” James once again, agreed with her and she sat up straighter.

“Exactly! See, why can’t Mary agree with me like you do!”

“She’s probably not trying to get in your good graces.” He said this a bit quieter and Lily bit her tongue.

“And what makes you think you’re not already in my good graces?”

James let out a breathy laugh and pretended as though he was paying attention to the professor. “Alright, but her position in your good graces is probably a lot more secure than mine. If I started needling you to go to a party this weekend and meet new people, then you might just stop talking to me. Our history only goes back a couple weeks.”

“Well before you came in, I was mentally tallying the pros and cons of never speaking to Mary again so, you’re probably right.” She cleared her throat to keep from laughing and then leaned a bit closer to him so she wouldn’t have to talk as loud. “I’m not a stick in the mud or anything, normally I like going out and making new friends, but she’s just being… I don’t know. She never acts like this- I mean she’s always very loud and in your face- but she never wants me to date people!” She shook her head and glared at her phone again.

“Can I ask you something?”

Lily frowned at him, but nodded.

“Do you, uh, have feelings for this girl? For Mary, I mean?”

Lily smiled, pressing her lips together. “I get asked that quite often, actually.” She shook her head. “And I suppose that would be one explanation for why I’m so upset about this. But no, I just don’t like her being pushy. I mean if I did have feelings for her, I’d probably be much more upset about the fact that she’s married than her trying to set me up with someone I don’t know.”

“Married? Okay, I have one more question now.” He brow was knit together. “Is her name Mary MacDonald?”

Lily frowned at him and blinked a few times before she nodded her head. “You know Mary?”

“I play football with Reggie.” His furrowed brow relaxed, and he started smiling. “You know, my mates and I are throwing a party this weekend.”

Lily was still frowning.

“Do you think…” She started but then shook her head because that would be impossibly and ridiculous. “No.” She kept shaking her head. “Maybe,” She looked back at him and bit the tip of her tongue.

“She hasn’t been trying to set me up with anyone,” James put his hands up, “So she might be trying to introduce you to Remus. I doubt it’d be Sirius or Peter. She’s always arguing with Sirius and Peter is a little frightened of her, so they don’t talk much. But she has a couple classes with Remus. Could be him.”

Lily’s frown was still in place and her heart was beating too quickly. “Is Remus hilarious and charming and dorky and sweet?” Her voice was too quiet, but he heard her, and he was smirking.

“Well see, that sounds like me.” But then his hand was in his hair. “But yeah, I suppose Remus is pretty great too.”

“Hold on,” Lily reached out and pulled her phone close, keeping it on the desk so it wasn’t too obvious to any TA who might be looking that she was on her phone.

There were more texts between Mary and Marlene about how difficult Lily could be and how she was such a jealous girl when it came to their friendship and Lily rolled her eyes.

Lily: Hey, quick quesh

Lily: I’m in my lab, sitting next to James Potter and he told me that he plays football with Reggie and that you, Mary, know him and his friends, who are throwing a party this weekend

Lily: Could this mystery guy you’ve been trying to get me to go out with be my lab partner???????

Mary: YOU’RE SITTING NEXT TO HIM! RIGHT NOW!

Lily: YES! WTF MARY? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Mary: Does he know that I’m trying to set the two of you up? I haven’t told him yet, I knew that you would be more difficult to convince

Marlene: Wait, what is going on?

Marlene: Lab boy is the boy Mary wants you to date?

Marlene: How perfect!

Mary: Perfect?

Marlene: Yeah, Lily’s been crushing on lab boy for weeks now

Mary: you fancied someone and you didn’t tell me??

Lily: I don’t fancy him

Lily: I didn’t tell Marlene that I fancy him

Lily: I just sit next to him

Marlene: And stare at his hair

Lily: He’s got really nice hair!

Mary: I KNOW THIS! I WAS TRYING TO SET YOU TWO UP AND NOW I AM VINDICATED BECAUSE YOU’VE ALREADY MET HIM AND YOU FANCY HIM! I WAS RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO ME.

Lily: Why must you be like this. I’ll talk to you later

Marlene: Yeah! Get it girl!!!

Mary: twirl that hair, flutter those lashes

Lily: LEAVE ME ALONE

 She clicked off her screen again and clicked her tongue before turning back to James. “So yeah, she was trying to set me up with you.”

He was looking up at the board, a smirk on his lips.

The both of them took a few minutes to write down some of the notes that they’d missed of the last fifteen minutes or so.

Then he cleared his throat. “So?”

She turned toward her.

“So?”

“Any interest in coming to the party now?” He was still smiling, and his smile was a bit contagious, so she found herself smiling too.

She shifted in her seat. “You know, I might be interested. I mean, you’re not a stranger anymore so I don’t have that excuse anymore.”

“I’m not. And I’m in your good graces.”

“For now.”

“For now.” He agreed and she laughed.

“I can’t believe this.”

“It is quite the coincidence.” James nodded. He laughed quietly and shook his head. “You know, I was going to invite you to the party before you started saying how much you didn’t like going to parties where you didn’t know people.”

“I don’t like being Mary and Reggie’s third wheel- Though Marlene wants to come… wait, you were?”

James nodded, turned back toward her. “Yeah,” He smiled. “Actually, I wanted to start with dinner.”

“I like food.” Lily grinned.

“You do?” James chuckled. “Well were you planning on eating any after class?”

She snorted. “I think so.”

“You think I can take you out? Even though Mary’s been harassing you about me?”

“Fuck Mary.” Lily waved her hand and James laughed. “I’d really like to go out with you.”

She could already hear Mary singing a song about how she was right and now Lily would have to listen to everything she ever said.

[bonesthebeloved]

Absolutely nothing - Sanders sides short

Summary: Work based on the poem 'Absolutely nothing' which appears in 'the perks of being a wallflower'. A story about how somebody can lose their grip on happiness and how their friends don't notice

TRIGGER/SQUICK WARNING: Implied death/suicide. Self-loathing. Depressive thoughts. Heavvyyyy Roman angst. Hurt no comfort.

Word count: Idk man but its quite long.

-

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines, he wrote a poem And he called it 'Chops' because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about

Back when everything was bright and smiles were still genuine he had taken up writing. Little Thomas had learned just enough words for him to read a children's book and off Roman went, crayon in hand he scribbled the messy handwriting on a piece of printing paper, thinking long and hard before he wrote each line. Who knew that having to come up with rhymes was so hard!

He whispered the Poem into Thomas's ear in class when the teacher told them to write a story. The yellow paper a stark contrast to the white one Roman had used and the pencil not having the same effect as the colourful crayons had, but they made due and soon Thomas stuck his little hand in the air. Waving it around. Eager to show the teacher what he'd make.

And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts

The yellow paper hung proudly on the kitchen door that evening, Roman staring at it through Thomas his eyes and realising that 'that's something I helped made. I can make him feel happy like this!' He had gone and told Patton about it. Bouncing on his feet from excitement as he told him that 'Look Pat! Look at how happy I made him! I wanna do that all the time!'

Patton had laughed with him and told him that he could. And they had eaten cookies out of the jar and let Logan, who was the only one that was able to read well enough to do it out loud, read them a bedtime story.

The next few days Roman walked around with his chest puffed out. And Remus asked him why he was being so dramatic and he got excited again, showing his brother how he had made Thomas happy. Remus had called it dumb and then walked away to go see if he could steal a cookie out of the jar while Roman continued onto his day, chest slightly less puffed and smile a little less proud.

That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus and his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot

Singing was another wonderful thing he found made Thomas happy when he made him do it too. And from that day on they kept on singing and dancing while Thomas his mother rolled her eyes and her friends called her son a little drama queen. And he watched his first Disney movie and Patton gifted Roman a stitch plushy that Roman put a little crown on and Remus found stupid.

And Thomas his little brother had animated conversations with his stuffed animals and his brother taught him how to fake being upset when he wanted something while his older brothers rolled their eyes and did their homework.

And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it.

Roman had not felt comfortable intervening when a girl had asked Thomas to be his valentine and Patton had laughed and given him a sympathetic side hug while Logan looked on, brows knitted together in a very un-8-year-old manner. And Deceit was having a laughing fit as Thomas tried to think of an excuse as to why he couldn't accept, each lie more ridiculous as the previous one. And the newest addition to their group sat cross-legged on the floor, biting his nails anxiously as Remus looked at him from afar, very interested in how Anxiety would affect Thomas.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines, he wrote a poem And he called it 'Autumn' because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about

This time the paper was white. Though the blue lines still didn't make a perfect copy of what Roman had written out in his head. It was messier in there that year. Doable. But messier. Thomas had gone to high-school and his bag was heavy.

And everybody was already complaining about the homework even though they hadn't gotten any yet. And Logan was excited for this new opportunity while Anxiety had left them to put his room in what they now called the dark side of the mind palace.

And their little group had become even more little because they had split in two, Deceit telling them that this was for the best while Roman and Remus yelled and yelled until Thomas asked his mother if he could try one of her sleeping pills to calm them all down.

And as autumn rolled around and poetry was a subject once more he had written three poems already and ran them all by Logan to make sure it was presentable before he decided to tell Thomas to write the one he had never let Logan proofread because he had written it the night before.

And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars And left butts on the pews And sometimes they would burn holes

He watched as a newly thrown away bud lay on a yellow leaf and slowly burnt it away. The edges smouldering and slowly dissolving, leaving three corners and a little bit of ashes behind as he stepped inside, nose red from the cold near-winter breeze.

And Roman told him that it had looked beautiful. And Logan added that its a fascinating thing, giving Roman a pointed look telling him that he should stop doing something. He never knew what.

And Patton had refilled the cookie jar because it was always empty these days. And they sat crossed-legged on the carpet and told each other who their favourite teacher was and if they should get Deceit to stop make Thomas deny that he did have feelings for the black-haired boy in gym class.

That was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot

Logan said that they must've heard the word gay before. Otherwise, he wouldn't have remembered it. Roman thought it meant happy while Anxiety had something else to say. He was around a lot these days

And Thomas and the girl around the corner were close friends, Patton encouraging the friendship while Virgil squeaked about all the red flag and Logan approved or either debunked them.

And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.

Thomas was too old to be put to bed now. That's what his parents had said as Roman took control. Clinging onto the stitch plushy as Patton slowly tried to pry him off the controls. "He is right we should confront the fact that we are not a small child anymore," was Logan his input and Thomas seemed to agree.

The next day all of his stuffed animals were in boxes and on their way to the homeless shelter. His mother said that it was fantastic that he had done such a kindhearted thing. He thanked her and worked hard to not cry in the next few days when he went to sleep and saw an empty bed.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook, he wrote a poem And he called it 'Innocence: A Question' because that was the question about his girl And that's what it was all about

College was harder for them all. Logan was overworking himself constantly and worked closely with Anxiety more often than not. And they had realised that Thomas was gay but these were scary times and an even scarier mindset and what if his parent were mad and what if the girl next door didn't want to talk to him anymore. They had started a relationship now. Years in the making and her taking all the first steps.

And focusing on putting out a good piece of poetry for his classes was hard so he had Logan do it. And Logan gave him a concerned look and told Roman to focus on the task at hand. And Deceit was around a lot these days and Patton had taken the cookie jar up to his room. And Roman felt stressed, but doing anything other than making Thomas sing his heart out in the shower and act along with songs when nobody was home, he felt powerless. Their interests had dropped to zero and Roman had had another screaming match but this time with Logan after he had proposed for them to start doing theatre instead of engineering. And Logan had yelled at him and told him to stop being so selfish. That Thomas was happy with this career path and that he should stop being so self-absorbed. And the others hadn't disagreed or stood up for him.

And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her

Roman had blamed Thomas his lack of confidence in the work he put out on Anxiety and had been told to stop blaming everything on the obvious target. And he hated it because they were right and he was the one that should be taking the blame because he had been so insecure about his work recently that it simply must've rubbed off on Thomas.

And he had written and rewritten the poem they had let Thomas hand in a hundred times over before letting him write it, each poem a bit different or completely variating from the original.

And he never showed the others because he knew it wouldn't matter and 'why would they care anyways Roman it's not like they actually like your work'.

And Thomas never showed his mother because what if she saw that it wasn't love. And what if she noticed and what if she hated it?

That was the year Father Tracy died And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked

Former relationships had been abandoned when Patton drew back and Anxiety became a more prominent figure and Logan became colder and Deceit and the others started drifting away and Roman... Well, Roman was left sitting alone in the common room. Dinner that nobody would eat but him sat on seven plates on the dinner table while he stared at the place the cookie jar had once been. And the plates piled up each week until somebody got sick of them and cleaned them up.

And ideas stopped coming without having at least a pinch of sadness mixed through them and he knew that the other would yell at him if they would make the effort to actually look each other in the eye these days.

And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do

The relationship with the girl had continued and they didn't know how to get out of it anymore. Too much makeup and too little connection had wrapped themselves around Thomas like a viper about to strike. And when he finally had the confidence to tell her that 'I'm sorry I just don't think I'm... Into this.' he received a slap across the face and a foul word being screamed at him while they were standing way to close. And they broke up and Roman felt guilty because he should be the one to be able to save this. He should be the one making sure Thomas didn't get hurt and he expected everybody to be furious. But when he walked into the common room he was met with empty air and cold chairs. Nobody even there to do as much as glared at him.

And it was strange because while he had thought that nothing could hurt him more than their screams and disapproving stares. He quickly found out that just simple silence, ignoring him and each other and no confirmation or disapproval at all, hurt far worse than any comments had ever done.

And at 3am he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly.

Thomas would develop insomnia in those bad weeks which would make it difficult for him to sleep well into adulthood. And Roman was afraid to tell the others that he was the cause so he stayed quiet and stared at his ceiling while the seconds ticked by.

And he tossed and turned and hugged his stitch plushy close while the ceiling fan turned lazily and he counted the uneven dots on the ceiling time and time again. There were 743 of them.

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem

Now it was odd. A lot of things were these days. But it was truly odd. Because in truth he shouldn't be feeling this bad. But here he was, writing another poem that he would not show to Thomas this time around. No proof of reading. A simple poem written with black marker on the back of an old lunch bag he summoned to transport the cookies in he'd been wanting to give to Patton. He hadn't even reached the door to the fatherly traits room before he realised how stupid he was being, let the cookies clatter to the floor, broken pieces and crumbs spilling on the light wood, and making his way to his own room.

And he called it 'Absolutely Nothing'

He'd taken the longest shower he'd ever taken in his life. And though his skin was raw and burned from the scaling how water he still felt cold. And thinking back to how simple it had been. How easily they'd been able to fill his place, he felt even colder.

Because that's what it was really all about

He knew it was selfish and Logan would probably scowl at him for being overdramatic. But while his brother had a foot firmly lodged between his shoulder blades. Back protesting against the strain and he talked like nothing happened and like he wasn't standing on his brothers back, they had all communicated as if it was nothing. As if it was the easiest thing in the world to include him in their conversation while Roman thought back to how he hadn't been able to get even the shortest word in at their last debate and felt how cold overtook his body. Since then it hadn't left him and recently he had started to think how he might not want it to do so.

And he gave himself an A

He took the red permanent marker he'd taken with him together with the black one and drew a big fat A on the bag. A big middle finger to the teacher that had looked as if Thomas was insane when they handed him back his poem and an even larger one to his friends for making him feel like and F while his brother was there, a sparkly gold A pinned to his costume as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

and a slash on each damned wrist

He'd decided on it a long time ago already. That, if it all got too much for him he'd leave. How he hadn't known. And he still wasn't quite sure when he entered the bathroom thirty minutes ago, staring at his reflection with a stranger staring back at him.

Ducking out would be too easy. They'd just follow him. Well, he really wasn't quite sure if they would anymore. But it was a nice thought. Then there was running away into the imagination. Appealing, but if he were to die he'd just pop up in his own room again and he really did not want to risk getting caught sneaking back there.

So he settled on the most difficult and permanent option. Leaving the light side of the mind.

The dark side hadn't been inhabited for quite some time now. Even the dark sides found it terrifying and rather stayed in the uneventful middle then go anywhere near that place.

That was the only place in the imagination that they could actually die in. Well, die as much as a permanent trait could. There would be a new creativity. Freshly thought up and with none of the memories he had. A factory reset. Reincarnation. It almost sounded nice. Almost nice enough to distract him from the fact that, what he was about to do, was as close to suicide as a side could get.

And he hung it on the bathroom door

A deep breath as he pinned a note to explain the situation on the door. Eyes closed as he felt himself sink down and rise up for the very last time. The darkness grabbing onto him and twirling around him like vines, pulling him in further. Away from the light.

It shouldn't have come to this. That thought struck him as he felt his consciousness slip away from him slowly. It really shouldn't have.

But then, he shouldn't have been able to feel all of this either. To feel it so intensely. To feel their friendship and interest slip away from him. To feel the pleasant memories fade into the background, the bad ones remaining with their sharp edges and cutting his ties further.

He exhaled slowly. 'they'll be okay.' he thought. And that would be the last thought that Roman 'creativity' Sanders would have before a brand new version of the same trait with a different name and thought the pattern would open his eyes in an unfamiliar room.

because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.

-

Tags: @purp-man @sapphire-knight @ragingdumpsterfiremess @that-random-ace

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

Storytime!

Sanders Sides Canon Divergence AU - fluff/angst - hurt/comfort - some intrigue - actually has a plot (side eyes my other fics) - largely Virgil centric - it’s about growth i guess idk

Words: 4,035 Warnings: Big-ass spiders, zombie mentions, death mentions, gore mentions. Characters: Virgil, Patton, Roman, Logan, Remus, Janus Universe: Storytime! Genre: Half-Fluff, Half-Idoicy

Chapter 27: In Which There are Even Bigger Spiders Than Beeps

Virgil is doing good but everyone else has some questions and nobody has answers

chapter 1 for new readers - ffn mirror

   Virgil didn’t realize the meeting was today, so he was thankful for Roman’s note. Time must have gotten away from him. He was so focused on Thomas's schedule he had kind of forgotten his own. It was one thing to skip breakfast and another thing entirely to skip a meeting he agreed to. The last few times he skipped were kind of eventful for him so the other sides would freak out for sure. Luckily, Virgil had already started his ‘Patton’ story the other day, and while he was still delirious from Deceit’s room, he could conceivably pull off not killing or maiming anyone by the end. It was much easier to convince himself it would all be okay right now, and he knew that feeling would fade the longer he sat in his room.

   Pat liked stories that were sentimental or sweet, which Virgil probably couldn’t come up with no matter how much of Deceit’s influence helped him. But he also likes animal stories, especially talking animals. Finding inspiration in his lack of ability had worked out before, so the story was about a little boy who couldn’t stop having nightmares. It was all he could think about in the day and he couldn’t sleep at night. The little boy tossed a coin in a fountain and wished for good sleep. So a magic psychic bat came that night and granted his wish for just one night of pleasant dreams so he could be upbeat for his little sister’s birthday party.

   That was another thing he could relate to, but he really doubted Pat could figure out this one. Virgil’s magic bat was a golden snake with venom that hid his fears from himself so his friends could like him more. That was a stretch unless Logan had somehow figured out what was going on and told Pat. But Deceit would have told him if that had happened, so there was no point in worrying about that. Realizing he didn’t have to worry was a bizarre sensation for Virgil. He was so damn grateful for his magic psychic bat.

   Virgil finished up the story with a little time to spare. He’d love to go waste time with one of the sides, but it still seemed like a bad idea. He could maybe make a new friend, though. He could feel the overcharged feeling in his veins that let him know he had enough anxious energy to burn. One who could protect his room and alert him when someone entered since Virgil was out so often. Something bigger that could defend his room and the other spiders. Virgil got up from the couch and stretched out. He reached up and stroked Beatrice, who was still sitting in his hair.

   “How about a little brother, Beatrice? A really big little brother?” Virgil asked affectionately. She stomped angrily on his head and said something unsavory. “Beeps, I’m not replacing you,” Virgil rolled his eyes. He reached up and gently stroked her again. “I’d be more willing to take you out of the room more if there was someone else here helping you and to protect you. Your smaller siblings can’t help like that,” Virgil offered. Beatrice conceded grumpily.

   Virgil cracked his knuckles and stepped into the middle of his room. A giant huntsman spider seemed appropriate. Nearly a foot of very leggy spider should keep anybody back, and the legs would be easier on Virgil to make than the big body of a goliath birdeater. Virgil focused as hard as he could and held his hand out, palm down. One this big might hurt, so he braced himself. There was a sharp pain in his palm as he focused on creating one. Virgil squeezed his eyes shut and just tried to focus on not messing up. When the sharp feeling finally subsided, Virgil peeked slightly at his hand. A big boy with much larger fangs than he intended was crawling from his palm to the top of his fingertips. He was roughly double the size of Beatrice and mostly black instead of mostly purple like her.

   “What would you like to be called?” He asked gently and reached his other hand over to feel its long delicate legs. “Voltaire? I love it. Voltaire, you’re the new room guard. You need to keep all your siblings safe while I’m out,” He said gently. Voltaire rubbed its forelegs together in acceptance and climbed up onto his shoulder. Virgil walked over to the staircase and laid down upside down, holding himself up with webbing. “So tell me what fears you’ve got,” He asked the new spider as it crawled down his arm.

   Chatting with Voltaire was nice. His fears were pretty weak, but he was big and scary, so he was perfect to deter other sides without actually hurting them. Much. Plus, he was very gallant, determined which made fun to talk to. Virgil has successfully passed the last of the time without feeling too lonely while chatting with Volt and Beeps on the stairs. Other than being pretty low on energy from making Voltaire and D’s room, he felt good about going to storytime tonight. He was looking forward to laying back and reading some stories that felt wrong. It was going to be unnerving in a fun way, which should be enjoyable instead of horrible. And that sounded nice.

—

   Virgil’s legs were over Patton’s lap and he was propped up on the couch arm reading the stories lazily. It had been pretty non-eventful when it was just Virgil and Logan in the living room, even though they were alone for a couple of minutes before Pat and Ro showed up just barely on time again. Logan seemed too distracted to talk, which he was thankful for. Remus’s story yelled at you if you didn’t read it first, so he had started with that one today, just like everyone else had given in to do.

   Remus’s story felt profoundly wrong for him, so he must have been listening in after he left last time. His protagonist didn’t die or kill anyone directly. In fact, the entire story was about avoiding action by doing other things. A funny side to pick. The protagonist partied all night and cleaned his bathroom during the peak of the zombie apocalypse. There was a literal zombie apocalypse, but he wanted cookies, so he went to the store and dodged everything. He worked at the lab making the cure and couldn’t be bothered to get up when the zombies raided it and just read comics in the security office. What an icon.

   Virgil laughed so hard he choked at the end. Patton reached out to make sure he was okay, but Virgil just chuckled and nodded while he caught his breath. Patton gave him a breezy smile and went back to reading himself, his arms holding the papers resting on his legs. Virgil dropped his hand to the floor out of Pat’s view and flipped Remus off affectionately. Remus smiled a big toothy smile of what seemed to be vindication and also gave Virgil the bird. It tweeted, which got confused looks from Roman, who checked around for a source. Remus and Virgil quickly went back to ‘innocently’ reading and Roman gave up and went back to reading when he saw nothing unusual.

   Pat’s was next, which was the ‘Virgil’ story. Patton didn’t have much dramatic irony Virgil usually had, but it was still a negative story with a bleak-ish ending. A group of teens who were camping got lost in the woods while partying. A ‘being punished for breaking the rules’ kind of theme. It would have been a great set-up for a slasher. Maybe Remus could add on to the end for Virgil and they could have a laugh about that later with Deceit. Those kinds of movies were Deceit’s guilty pleasure to watch. Patton unknowingly writing half of one might make his day.

   Roman’s ‘Logan’ story was amazing. It was fantastically gay and dry as heck. It was the most scathing thing he could have done without directly insulting Logan. College professors grading things in the coffee shop go out, but they’re both teaching med students so they didn’t ‘hold hands’, they ‘interlocked digits’. Roman must have abused a thesaurus and fell down a biology Wikipedia hole to write this. Nothing big even happened in the story other than the original gay confusion. Roman’s intent was clearly to blast Logan instead of producing an amazing story for the ages, and he mcfreakin’ succeeded.

   Logan’s ‘Roman’-style was funny for all the wrong reasons. It followed a dragon, but the dragon’s hoard was books instead of gold. The Dragon liked to make puzzles for adventurers to get lost in when trying to come to defeat him. The story was just the Dragon reading books and frying adventurer’s brains until the one who finally makes it through changes his mind because of the Dragon’s sound logic. Virgil choked on a laugh again when the adventurer conceded to the Dragon’s superior stance. Logan took that wish-fulfillment part of fantasy themes and ran with it.

   Remus had looked at him quizzically while he caught his breath again. Virgil figured he wanted to know why he laughed and showed him the navy blue font and pointed to the last paragraph. Remus switched packets and flipped pages to the last paragraph to see for himself. He broke out in a mad giggle fit, which earned some serious glares and shushing from Roman. Logan looked incredibly confused, but wouldn’t dare talk during his own rules about quiet reading time. Which was also amusing in a strange way.

   Virgil was in a great mood after laughing at the ridiculousness of these stories and placed his packets on the floor, sitting up to cuddle against the extra-warm Patton while he waited out the reading time for everyone else. Patton was surprised when Virgil wrapped his arm around him but sighed contentedly as Virgil dropped his head on Patton’s shoulder. Remus grunted at Virgil, but Virgil just rolled his eyes and mouthed ‘later’ at him. He wasn’t entirely sure what the duke wanted, but it wasn’t the time. Virgil closed his eyes and appreciated the warm heart, letting himself drift a little while he waited out the rest of the reading time.

—

   Virgil woke up sometime later to the TV playing The Office quietly, still entangled around Patton. Patton smiled and reached up to stroke his hair when he shifted. He looked around and saw all the other sides had left. He blinked the rest of the sleep from his eyes and yawned, stretching out his arms.

   “Hey, sleepyhead! You fell asleep while waiting for us to finish,” Patton said gently.

   “Oh, I’m sorry, Pat. Did I miss the discussion?” Virgil asked sleepily and rubbed his eyes.

   “Remus was pretty freaked out about the idea of waking you up, and that spooked Ro, so we decided to postpone it,” Patton responded lightly, clearly trying to sound soothing. Virgil appreciated it, honestly. It was much easier not to freak out over delaying them while everybody was so busy. Virgil released Patton and stood up to stretch his legs, followed by Patton who must have been stuck under him for a while based on the time.

   “I’m sorry I had you pinned for that long, pop,” Virgil said and rubbed the back of his head with embarrassment.

   “It was a nice cuddle, bud, don’t worry!” Patton said cheerily as he stretched out his arms. “I’ll text the others and see if they still want to do discussion today,” Virgil nodded and yawned, wrapping his arms back around Patton as Pat pulled out his phone. Patton shifted to let Virgil hug him from behind while he texted.

   “Ah, the cuddle monster has returned to the living!” Roman declared as he rose up a few moments later.

   “You guys didn’t have to reschedule for me,” Virgil mumbled quietly into Patton’s back.

   “Well, it’s not much of a discussion without you kiddo,” Patton said softly and held Virgil’s arms wrapped around his waist.

   “I’ve never seen Remus act like that in my life, I wasn’t taking the chance. It may be the only thing in the Thomas-sphere he takes seriously. He kept hissing at us to shut up and then left,” Roman explained. Virgil chuckled into Patton’s back. It was nice to have the tables turned for once. Virgil was the one scared of Remus most of the time. Logan rose as well.

   “It’s nice to hear you laugh so much these days, kiddo,” Patton commented as Virgil settled down and twisted around to give Virgil a hug.

   “Yes, what elements did you find amusing this evening, Virgil? I was curious about what diverted you and Remus. The stories didn’t include your shared sense of dark humor,” Logan asked as he sat back down on the couch.

   “Oh, man, if I knew I was going to get grilled I would have basted myself first,” Virgil rolled his eyes backed up into the couch, taking Patton down with him. Patton giggled as he stumbled down on top of Virgil.

   “That’s some… vivid imagery, Virgil,” Roman said, sounding a little confused. Patton laid on Virgil this time, seeing as Virgil wouldn’t let him go, though Virgil let him sit up on the couch. Roman and Logan sat in their regular spots.

   “Remus’s story was full of cynical humor, Lo. It was completely defeatist and relatable. I mean the world is ending, but where can I get some iced coffee? Peak mood,” Virgil supplied finally. Logan looked extremely confused for a moment. Maybe the slang did it? Logan shook it off quickly.

   “I was not aware that being a defeatist could be humorous. I will take note. Remus also chose to write differently from his regular ramblings this week. He left before we had planned to try each other’s reoccurring themes last week. It was an oddly coincidental timing on his part,” Logan said. Virgil was pretty certain Remus was listening in through Roman, but he wasn’t sure if the others knew the creativity twins were linked to each other, so changing the subject seemed safer than possibly dropping a bomb that Roman possibly didn’t want to share. Remus ‘over-share’ Sanders wasn’t here to drop it for him, anyway.

   “Ro’s story was hilarious, too,” Virgil said with a grin and a quick thumbs-up of appreciation, which he dropped lazily back around Patton after a moment and pulled himself a little closer to Patton’s warmth.

   “Thank you, Virgil, I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Roman replied with a flourish and smiled back.

   “What was funny about it? It was a cute romance with lots of big words,” Patton asked. Virgil ruffled Patton’s hair.

   “It wasn’t about the contents of the story, Pat, it was about what the writing said,” Virgil said lazily. Logan bristled.

   “Was there a theme that I potentially missed?” Logan asked and picked up his notes, scanning them quickly.

   “Perhaps this is one of those rare things that is over your head,” Roman said sarcastically with a chuckle and waved Logan off.

   “I refuse to believe that. Please explain to me what I’m missing,” Logan insisted, still scanning his notes,

   “Roman was roasting you without roasting you,” Virgil supplied flippantly.

   “Virgil, please do not include me in your strange grilling metaphor, it does not help elucidate me in the slightest,” Logan said shortly and put his notes down to glare at them.

   “Over his head,” Roman said with a bemused laugh, and Virgil joined him. Logan groaned in frustration.

   “It would not be if you simply explained it to me,” Logan grunted and crossed his arms. Roman just laughed again, which caused Logan to huff. Virgil shifted closer to Patton. He couldn’t get much closer at this angle, so just slid down behind Patton before he became a human feather boa. Patton yelped as Virgil slipped down, but he scooted forward to make space for Virgil who was now wrapped around his back. He was so warm. Virgil’s eyes fluttered for a moment.

   “Are you tired again, kiddo?” Patton asked and ruffled Virgil’s hair. Virgil grumbled slightly and lazily fixed his bangs.

   “You’re just so toasty,” Virgil mumbled into Patton’s side.

   “Sorry, it always slips out at least a little,” Patton apologized meekly.

   “No, it’s the best, never turn it off,” Virgil whined and squeezed Patton as close as he could.

   “Patton, trade with me before Virgil falls asleep again,” Roman requested, getting up and rolling his eyes in exasperation.

   “No, don’t take my space heater!” Virgil whined and grasped onto Patton, refusing to let go.

   “We’re not done talking, yet, bud, we haven’t even gotten to your story yet!” Patton said as he got up, trying to pry himself from Virgil. Virgil groaned and released him, seizing Roman as he sat down where Patton was. Roman chuckled as Virgil gripped on. Roman wasn’t warming like Pat, but Ro gave off a light charged feeling which woke him up. Pretty sneaky, sis.

   “What’s there to talk about? Mine wasn’t funny like you guys’,” Virgil groaned and nestled into Roman’s side. Even if there was a nap conspiracy, at least Virgil got nice contact. Roman giggled a little when Virgil accidentally tickled him. Then Virgil tickled him on purpose and Roman smacked him upside the head.

   “Roman, don’t hit Virgil,” Patton chided him.

   “He tickled me!” Roman objected.

   “We are extremely off subject,” Logan groaned.

   “I didn’t get the funny memo, I was just trying to figure out what I could do that Patton would like,” Virgil grumbled, rubbing his head, eying Roman suspiciously for another attack.

   “I did like it, kiddo! It was so sweet that he just wanted to make his sister happy,” Patton said with a shimmering look in his eye.

   “Oh, I didn’t think I could do sweet. Neat,” Virgil commented blithely and settled back down. “I think Pat did a ‘me’ story pretty well, though maybe more toned down,” Virgil added. Sort of like he wished he could be. Virgil hid his face in Roman’s side and frowned. Roman ruffled his hair lightly and Virgil grumbled.

   “I think it missed that fatal element, though. Pat implied the ranger would find those kids even though they wandered into the woods drunk in the daytime,” Roman supplied. “After most of Virgil’s stories, it was pretty heavily implied they didn’t make it,”

   “I tried to leave it a little vague,” Patton muttered.

   “You did, Patton. Just because one character mentioned it doesn’t mean we can assume it was to happen,” Logan reassured him and held out his hand, motioning to calm down. “Virgil, was there a reason you pointed out the final paragraph of my story to the duke?” Logan asked shortly and looked pointedly at Virgil.

   “Yes. And I’m afraid it’s also over your head, Logan,” Virgil supplied a little bitterly.

   “That’s what you guys were laughing at? Logan’s little fantasy projecting? I thought it was some dark joke I didn’t get,” Roman said, sounding disbelieving.

   “I would like to be included on this ‘great in-joke’ you two seem to have,” Logan said sourly.

   “Lo, buddy, you wouldn’t believe us if we told you,” Virgil groaned.

   “I would like you to try regardless of your assumptions,” Logan stated plainly, tapping his foot.

   “It’s your praise kink!” Remus popped up, laughing wildly. Logan jumped up in surprise and stumbled back into the couch. Patton squeaked and Roman stiffened. “It’s been later, Vi-vi, come on!” Remus whined. Virgil groaned in exasperation.

   “We’re in the middle of the discussion! You know, the ones you usually skip while you’re off gallivanting in the mind palace stabbing stuff?” Virgil said slackened from behind Roman.

   “And it’s boring!” Remus groaned.

   “Fine. I know we didn’t get to everything, but I’m going to go deal with this giant brat if we’re good here? He might blow us up or something if I don’t,” Virgil stated with a little grumble. He was having an agreeable time making fun of Logan with Roman and wasn’t ready to stop yet, but he was going to see Remus, anyway. “Does anybody object to that?”

   “Blow you up? Virgey, I would never,” Remus said, sounding fake aghast, holding his hand to his chest and fanning himself with the other. “Teeny-Tiny exploding unicorns all over the room, maybe,” He added with a sinister smirk and showed how small with his fingers, followed by spirit finger mock-explosions. Virgil grunted and pulled himself out from behind Roman.

   “Anybody? Bueller?” Virgil asked again. They all looked kind of shocked, but there was no response. The duke did have that effect on them, sometimes. “Cool, I guess,” Virgil shrugged and pushed himself off the couch, reaching on the floor for his copies of his stories. “Hey, remember Pat’s story?” Virgil asked.

   “Nobody died! Who cares!” Remus groaned, flailing his arms like limp noodles.

   “Exactly,” Virgil nodded at him and grabbed his arm. Remus’s eyes widened and a manic grin split out as they sank to the edge of the mind palace. Virgil created a simple room for them to work in with a big soft rug and a couch. “Okay, we’ve got less than two hours and maybe 30 minutes in one of our rooms, so we got to make it count. It’s the perfect setup for a slasher, right?”

   “It is!” Remus cackled. “From grandpa? Who knew!” Remus wiggled his eyebrows and grinned in delight.

   “Let’s upgrade it, then,” Virgil said, sitting down on the couch and summoning a laptop. He pressed Patton’s story on to the laptop screen and it loaded into the computer and Virgil passed it over to Remus who plopped on the couch next to him.

   “I will do nothing without at least as much contact as you gave my brother,” Remus said firmly, taking the laptop but holding it off from his lap.

   “You fucking dork,” Virgil rolled his eyes and leaned against Remus, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Thanks for smelling only mildly terrible,” Virgil added after a quick whiff of the air. It was vinegary and sharp, but less poop or puke smell. Not as great as strawberries but, good smells were probably a rare choice for him. 

   “It’s only fun if you need a shower afterword!” Remus sang and placed the laptop in his lap and started writing.

   “The redhead chick has to die first, she kissed that dude remember? Slasher rule,” Virgil said while Remus began writing.

   “That fuckhole who bought the wine coolers is next,” Remus said. “I’m gonna shove the empties into his intestines!” He cackled.

   “God, sick,” Virgil wrinkled his nose in distaste but chuckled, anyway.

—

   “D!” Virgil called out as he rose into Deceit’s room later that night. “I’ve got the coolest thing for you,” Virgil said excitedly.

   “Virgil, what in the world were you thinking?” Deceit demanded, sounding annoyed.

   “That you’d like it, come on, read it!” Virgil said, shoving the final story that Virgil and Remus managed to type out before the voices in the mind palace started up again or they started trying to kill each other in one of their rooms. It was quick and slapshot, but it would be funny and gruesome, nonetheless.

   “Virgil, that’s not what I’m talking about,” Deceit groaned.

   “And I’m talking about this slasher that Patton wrote half of,” Virgil said, tapping the paper and twisting around the back of Deceit and giving him a hug, nuzzling his neck.

   “You can’t be serious,” Deceit said, looking down at the paper.

   “Dead serious. Like the teens in the woods,” Virgil chuckled. That definitely got Deceit’s attention. Virgil pulled Deceit to the bed. He had already started reading as he sat down. Virgil wrapped his arms around Deceit’s waist again and nestled his face in the crook of Deceit’s neck from behind, watching him read. Deceit absentmindedly ran a hand through Virgil’s hair while he read. Virgil sighed in with contentment and closed his eyes. He hoped D would like it. He had fun writing it with Remus, at least.

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