#and sabi died even younger

[0ne4them0ney-2f0rtheshow]

girl dad.

Seungcheol never thought in his life that he'll have a family of his own. If you told him this ages ago, he would've just shrugged it off and call it bullshit. But now? He can't live without his wife and his daughter.

He's a fool for his daughter. Sure, he had some struggles when they had her. He kinda missed his younger self, but his wife, Natasha, made him realize that while he's out there doing some things (like riding motorcycles, playing online games!), he's missing out a lot with his daughter.

"Alam mo, Seungcheol, both of us... We never had a great childhood. I was never close with my dad. Sure, alam ko na mahal nila ako. But at some point, I wanted to be a daddy's girl, you know. I hope you'll realize na Nymeria's growing up... natututo na din 'yan makakilala ng tao. She knows me as her Mama. She knows you as her Dada. But she kept on looking for you, Cho. Don't turn her fondness into resentment."

That hit him. He, too, never had a great childhood. His father made sure of it. Oo, bumabawi na ngayon ang ama niya pero it still stings him that he's always out with his friends' families, rather than his own.

Now that he's got the family of his own, he wanted to be always there for his child. This beautiful girl, Nymeria Saint, is now growing up. Natasha is doing a wonderful job as mother and Seungcheol wanted to do the best for them.

Later this evening, Nymeria knocked inside her parents' room. Natasha's finalizing some papers for her work while Seungcheol's watching random movies on Disney+. When they heard someone knock, Seungcheol told the person behind the door to come in.

"Dada..."

Kinabahan naman si Seungcheol sa tono ng boses ng kaniyang anak. He immediately ran towards her and carried her, "Hi, my love. Ano 'yun? What happened?"

"Promise me po 'wag ka magagalit!" Natasha smirked at her daughter and at the expression of her husband.

"Promise, baby." He pinky-swears with her. He saw the relief in his daughter's face.

"So... can I play with kuya Chi..." Seungcheol raised his brows and looked at her daughter with a confused face.

"Pwede naman. Bakit naman hindi? Kaso Kuya Chi's studying kasi may school siya."

"Weekend po, Dada!" Nymeria showed his father her most beautiful eyes, which Seungcheol smiled. It reminded him of his wife kapag may kailangan.

"We'll ask your tito, okay? Pero bakit ka kinakabahan? Do you want to tell me something?"

"Dada, I like Kuya Chi."

And it only took five words for his world to shatter. "What?"

Kinabahan naman si Nymeria with the tone that her father used, "Oh no, Mama.. Dada, are you mad?"

Seungcheol smiled and hugged his daughter, "No, baby. Nagulat lang si Dada."

"So, okay lang po?"

"Mhmmm..."

"Mama told me to tell it to you po! Sabi ni Mama, if Dada allows me to have a crush, then it's ok! Kuya Chi is nice!"

Seungcheol looked at his wife as if he's saying something and rolled his eyes at her. "Okay lang naman magka-crush, baby. Basta hindi muna pwede magboyfriend!"

"Mama told me it's fine!" Nymeria pouts at her father. Parehong-pareho sila ni Nat, god. Ganitong-ganito si Natasha kapag di nakukuha 'yung gusto. Lord, help me.

"Sige, I will allow you to have a boyfriend kapag naging 18 ka na." Nymeria's face brightened up at kumalas sa buhat ng kaniyang ama. She immediately went to her mom and high-fived her. "Thank you, Mama!"

She then immediately left her parents' room at hindi pa isinara ang pinto. On the other hand, Seungcheol's still kneeling and was left in shock. Tinatawanan lang siya ni Natasha. "Kaya pa, Cho?"

She took a photo of Seungcheol kneeling with a defeated expression. "Hahahahahaha, buti na lang five years old pa lang si Nymeria. May 13 years ka pa."

He closed the door at habang pabalik sa higaan nila, his arms were on his waist. Hindi niya aakalain na this day will come. His baby girl, asking him to allow her to have a crush to someone?!

"Alam mo, Natasha, pakana mo lahat. Puro "Mama told me"! Sinasadya mo ata eh!"

"Babe, would you rather have her keep secrets from you or tell you these things?" Natasha made a tsk sound. Totoo naman, Seungcheol wanted his daughter to feel that he's okay with her growing up. Ang sa kaniya lang, ang aga naman!

"Ewan ko sa'yo. Kailan mo pa alam 'yan?"

"Secret! I'm her bestfriend! I cannot tell you that 'no!"

"Daya."

"Sorry, baby. Kaya nga I told your daughter to tell it to you so we can talk about it! Cute, I'll arrange a play date with Chi. Call ko lang si–"

"Sasama ako."

"Nope!" Natasha made an "X" sign with her arms. "Diba may basketball game kayo sa hospital? We'll be fine, ano ka ba!" Nat's really teasing him, which by the way, really works.

"Love, alam mo, malapit na ko maiyak."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Kidding! Of course, you can join us! But let her play with Chi ha!"

"Ugh. Hindi ko mahindi-an anak ko. She's using the same method like yours. Beautiful eyes, really, Nat? Really? And pouting? Tinuro mo 'no?"

"She saw me siguro asking you for something last week... Hahahaha, she asked me kanina eh."

"Ano sabi?"

"Do you think if I do this (pout), Dada will allow me?"

"Kids really learn easily. Nako, Natasha Choi." He sighs deeply.

Natasha scoots over beside her husband and hugs him, "Thank you for being so cool with it, love. My dad never was."

Seungcheol kissed her and replied, "And thank you for being her bestfriend, baby. My mom wanted to be one pero my sisters are scared that my mom will snitch them to dad eh. Kaya it never happened."

He then hugged her tight, "You never had a girl bestfriend, and I'm glad you have one now."

[sunb0rn]

I can still recall the moment you said that Rico Blanco’s works changed your way of life— how he inspired you and made you love OPM as it is, kaya sorry if I shoved the musics from Love Live kase they actually saved me. The stuff that I cant put into It words shaped me into a more outgoing and happier person. Love Live taught me that nothing is impossible, and that each of us has a special talent that will make us shine. -i

hello bby! idk kung parang gm to or wrong sent pero parang wala akong ganyan na rico blanco statement, though pinapakinggan ko sya since my younger days at gusto ko siya as an artist.

di ko din alam context kung bakit nasabi mo eto, like if I or someone has offended/hurt u in a way or u just sharing random thoughts. ✨ but no need to really say sorry i think. hehe. madami tayo na naeexcite sharing the music/artists we love sa mga tao!! and i appreciate u sharing music to me every now and then kht di ko napapakinggan/pinapakinggan lahat, and even sinabi kong it isnt for me. siempre on my end i just wanna be honest din <3.

there are also instances (ibang tao) na gusto ko ung artist/genre pero nafforgot ko pakinggan ung suggestion/icheck ung artist or napapakinggan ko, put it on Liked songs pero nawawala din sa isip ko. wala lang, alala ko lang din convo recently with a friend when i told her this new artist na napakinggan ko tas sabi nya nirecommend na nya sa akin yon before.

ayon. i get how personal this is to you so i want u to continue enjoying the music u love!! :')

[yourtrulyjo]

Hi Jo good evening

I know these past few days you have been busy and drained.

As your girlfriend I'm the one you're meant to talk to and rant to.

I'm the one who's supposed to comfort you and give you love and care but

you are seeking love, attention, care, and comfort from other people.

it hurts me that you do those kinds of things to me.

Every time I fall asleep without you knowing you always make it a big deal.

Now, when you fall asleep without me knowing, do I complain?

please remember you're older and I'm younger.

your mindset has to be developed and mature by now unlike me I'm still learning

every night we have misunderstandings and that's not good for our relationship.

Nabasa ko ung pag uusap nyo ni kim.

nasasaktan ako jo.

tuwing nag sosorry parang hindi mo naman talaga ginagampanan

palagi nalang sorry ng sorry pero hindi naman nag babago

hinahayaan mo na may ibang babae na lalandi landi sayo?

sobrang nadudurog ako kapag ganon.

bat hindi ko masabi ng deretsuhan?

dahil alam ko na sasabihin mo na di sadya at mag sosorry ka nanaman

jo pagod na pagod nako sa mga sorry mo.

pag kinakausap moko palaging maliliit na bagay pinapalaki mo.

ung mga rason mo ang bababaw

ung mga hindi dapat kinakagalit, kinakagalit mo

simpleng bagay gagawan mo ng kung ano anong rason

tapos mag mumukha akong masama kase nagiging kasalanan ko nalang lahat.

kung pagsalitaan moko parang ka edad mo lang ako. masakit.

nung araw na pinagsalitaan mo ako, alam mo naman na mabigat ung pakiramdam ko.

tuwing may problema ka, sakin mo ilalabas, hindi masama mag rant pero ung magagalit kapa saken?

iba na yon. para sakin parang ako pa ung may kasalanan.

tuwing break time naririnig ko kayo ni kim na nag uusap.

merong isang beses sabi nya "kiss ko nalang"

jo may araw ba na ginanon kita? bat parang mas jowa pa ung pananalita nya sayo.

akala ko ba kinausap kinausap mo na yan.

Jo please lang for the sake of our relationship ayusin mo yan.

mahal kita alam mo yan pero hindi ko mapigilang maramdaman ung selos at sakit dahil sa mga actions mo.

sorry pero pag hindi ko na ito nakayanan ako na mismo ang susuko pasensya kana.

[benefits1986]

We The PL

Seeing the evolution of one's PL is just so curious and gorgeous, too.

During weekends, I try my best to listen to the curated PL that Spotify suggests. Honestly, been doing this since 2016. It's weird because the songs that I sometimes stumble upon are from eras that are already part of my deep subcon mind like that of roadtrips with past XXXYZs. Lerkzzz. The past months, when a song like this pops up, I can safely say that it's me laughing with and at my naive, younger self. Aigoo. Side Note: Back in 2009, isa sa mga cases na sinabi ko sa marketing class is agree akong music marketing is gonna be the next level of brands. Hindi siya intrusive kasi intuitive siya kasi mas nagegets mo 'yung headspace and hearspace lalo 'yung mga subdued and suppressed areas. Lo and behold, we're here and now! :)

Must also be because I met up with Film Class buddies who are really introverts in no less than Scout area. Namiss ko rin 'tong part na 'to ng buhay ko kung saan ginagawa po nating singlapit ng Taft ang QC and nearby areas noong 2015 to 2019 days. Kaya naman kasi kaso ang traffic, however, paying 200 PHP one-way to hack South to QC area is nakakalumpo pero, 'pag kailangan, puwede naman talaga. EDSA is super calm on the way home at around 2 am din.

Scout area is like BF Par on steroids na mas maingay. Hahahaha. Walang tulugan area rin. I noticed that the streets are better lit na now. LOL. Syempre, 'yung kasama ko, mahilig maglakad so wala akong choice. This friend Ma is someone na I don't meet up lagi but once we do, dhzai, ang daldalan parang pang-indie film ang progression. Hahahaha. Ganda ng location ng Cinema '76 and decent naman matcha nila. Coffee syempre, no deal sa lasa. Hahahaha. Skipped cocktails kasi 'di rin naman daw masarap and mahal pa. Maganda lang mga pamagat ng cocktails. Our other FOMO introvert scriptwriting buddy Mar is super nearby so, isang message lang, karipas siya e. Ma is nesting in a four-year relationship and Mar naman married recently. It's really nice to see us in different stages of life na and that we've gone a long way, but, malayo pa rin ang tatahakin. I told them to try out for Ricky Lee's upcoming workshop kasi feeling ko talaga, magugustuhan nilang i-revisit 'yung mga then days namin plus ang lapit lang nila sa Katips. HUHUHUHU. Sana all talaga. LOL. Kung wala lang akong mga doggo babies, ang dali mag-move kaso my babies are namamahay talaga even sa bahay ng lola ko. :( 'Di ko rin sila kayang 'di makita regularly kahit I'm a kinda clunky pawrent.

Ohhh, before seeing Mar, nagpunta muna kami ng Profound. Damn. Sana meron talaga sa South kasi ang ganda nung curation talaga. AS IN. Gusto ko na lang iuwi 'yung The Dawn signed vinyl saka Now and Then. UGH. Tingin na lang ako sa Japan. Sobrang up my alley nung display. Bakit ganun???? Bakiiiittt??? Pero, tagtipid tayo kaya, hard no muna. Saka na.

We talked about our scripts and sila, feeling daw nila they've outgrown their scripts. Ako naman, na-share ko na my script is still so relevant and that it's something I'm slowly working on para matapos na. :) Gah. If puwede lang mag-stray sa Scout at magbike kasama ni Ma pa-UP, which is happening in the next weekends, finally. LOL. Syempre, sa UP lang ako mag-bike kasi 'di ko talaga kaya mag-bike sa city. I was surprised that Ma is biking na as a maarte being. LOL. May pa-cuttings pa ng halaman ng pangmalakasan since Ma is really a legit plantito.

How low-key friends are we? Mar just requested to follow me and Ma during our Cinema '76 hangout. Tawang-tawa kami e. From 2015 until now, walang follow-han. Walang kamustahan. Pero, kung maka-share ng TMI sa buhay, akala mo, visual journals namin isa't isa. I really like na we don't chizmiz much about our other classmates kasi wala rin naman kaming pake sa kanila except for standout ganaps. Inis pa rin si Ma na 'di ako ma-tag, though, pero, siya na rin naman nag-adjust. Sabi ko, ayoko lang kasi talagang ma-tag in general. 'Yun lang talaga unless sobrang importante or sobrang life matters siya. LOL. Arte ko raw. Sabi ko, siya mas lalo maarte. More importantly, we try our best not to indulge on socmed kasi mapapa-compare ka talaga kahit ayaw mo. Happy ako to see talaga na na-maintain namin 'yung bond namin na sobrang FOMO sa mga biglaang aya which naganap pa na Makati Ave na mga 4 AM pero may pasok pa kami ng 830 AM. LOL. 'Di kami clingy PERO 'pag nagkita, ayaw umuwi. Actually, super duper appreciate Ma kasi as a titong sleeping na ng 9 PM, talagang hinataw niya at nag-prep siya sa pagkikita namin. Sabi ko nga, uwi na kami ng 11 PM para maka-sleep siya. Ayun. Inumaga na naman kami!

So going back to PL... friends and eras define my PL which is kinda surprising because my circle is small and I purposefully keep it smaller ever since the pandemic hit. However, since nga I have a list of interests, tulad ng sabi ng dad ko, akala ko lang daw maliit circle ko. In fact, tawang-tawa ako kasi sa Cinema '76, nakita ko 'yung bunsong kapatid ni Ju, my Circa '95 soul sis. Hahahaha. Beso kami tapos sabi ko, ikaw si Ja, correct? Natawa siya. Sabi ba naman: Bakit 'di mo sure? Sabi ko, sanay akong sa Las Pinas-Alabang-Par area ko siya nakikita. Hahahahaha. Na-shy din akong mag-hi doon sa isang creative person na kawork ko before pero sure akong matatandaan niya ako because... ahahahaha.

Kung meron mang emerging theme ang PL ko, hopeful na siya pero grounded pa rin sa shitballs ng realidad. LOL. Saka mas unapologetic na siya. May mga times kasing naka-incognito pa ako para lang ma-veer away ang algo pero tumatawid rin lalo na nung nag-start 'yung mic and cam detection era na. Kaya nga, pakshet ang iPhone bilang mas intrusive siya 'di lang sa owner pero pati sa circle ng owners ng kahit anong iPhone. Tacca.

Also, na-gets ko na why Taylor Swift topped my PL nung 2023. When someone is undergoing a traumatic experience lalo 'pag matagal na-suppress, chances are that person deviates from the norm. OPAK. Inis na inis ako kasi 'di ko naman talaga gusto si TS pero, she has been my angel nung November to December. Listened to her to cope and that it's actually a new chapter. Plus, my soul sis and I now have a different level of bonding over TS. The then basher me is now a TS saktong fan girl. By sakto, I mean, solulu sa delulu. :p Saka Tito Ro is also a TS curious passerby na rin; so, mas maraming areas na kaming mapapagusapan lalo as I'm checking him sa pagkawala ng mom niya plus family paganaps na rin na HAHAHAHAHAHA. 'Yun na lang muna because, TMI is not applicable here. Sa creative non-fic ko na lang pakakawalaan. :D

I'm looking at this from a better perspective which does not come easily. Basta, I saw changes na ako mismo nagugulat, pleasantly, until now. Changes for the greater good, unti-unti. :) Reclaiming and claiming one's space is not just about having that space, it's sharing a space where diversity is at the core. 'Di lang ako vocal talaga, pero, I guess that had to happen talaga in the name of unleashing the power and magic and logic that vulnerability holds. OPACQ. Hahahaha. Shemayayayayayayyy. And most importantly, sabi ng tatay ko, dapat lang better na talaga kasi 'pag no, LAGOT. Honestly, may mga specific times na takot pa rin ako sa dad ko kasi iba siya 'pag nagalit or na-agit. Mahirap salagin or worse, kahit salagin, wala e... tatabi talaga ako dahil tatay ko siya. LUH. Hahahahahaha.

Speaking of PL, I noticed that when I write, lagi't lagi may music sa background. It does not influence naman directly mga sinasabi ko, pero, ganda lang din kasi mas makikita ko 'yung ambiance nung mga thought farts ko rin. For example, Give Me a Kiss is not part of my universe pero 'yung tunog niya, up my alley. Saka in theme din for my 2024 Caterpie era. ;)

So, ayun na ngaaaa. Diliman x Magihawa x Krus na Ligas x Gubat bike sesh coming up! Plus I think, may kasama na ako sa Binondo CNY photowalk + vidwalk, too as a third or fifth wheel lang if swak sa sched namin nina Ma and Mar. LELS.

[ang-paborito]

I'm just trying to protect my siblings pero ako yung kontrabida

TLDR: I'm prohibiting my younger sibs from hanging out with my half-sibs and their families but this causing a drift between us.

Context: Medyo complicated fam structure namin. Basically, my parents both lost their spouses before remarrying to each other. Mom had no kids from first hubby but dad got tons. Aaaaand those grown ass kids didn't like my mom because she was almost in the same age range with them.

When they were all living together, the first family made my mom's life miserable. Yung sister ko first hand nya naranasan yung abuse like when our parents were out, tinali nila sa labas sister ko.

They were also the cause that my mom miscarried.

Dad cut them off and they bought a new house pero still supporting yung mga nasa college pa lang.

Pero he forgave them and reconnected kasi yung mga apo.

Laging ganun, gagawa sila kagaguhan, away cut off tapos reconnect. But they don't change, they just get better.

What's worst pati mga anak nila they are teaching them how to treat us and they spread these lies about my mom na wala namang basis. Super inggitera pa sila like if we have brand new clothes, toys, and things ninanakaw nila. If we go on trips as a family local or abroad, naghihinaing sila sa amin like they are making us feel guilty.

My sisters and I remembered it very much. My younger brother he was still a baby when we took him in (adopted). Yung half-sister ko who gave birth at the same time na inaadopt bb brother, she didn't like it kasi our dad was more enthusiastic with the newly adopted son kesa sa apo na kadugo nya.

My dad caught her in the act of pinching bb brother's nose until magpurple yung lips.

From then almost a decade na we didn't have contact. They were trying to reach out probably to ask for financial help, pero my dad wouldn't let them in.

We only got together once when both parents died, and we gave them a chance to renew the relationship and natutuwa naman bb brother to play with nephews and nieces his age. Kaso, it seems that they didn't change. They're materialistic and envious. Example, if my brother has a new console or gadget like psp or iPad, giniguilt trip nila yung bata so he will give the thing sa nephew. Or to ask me gifts through him. Pinahiram nya yung psp and it's gone na.

From then on, binawalan ko sya to ever bond with them. I told him why, especially that he almost got murdered.

Sumunod naman sya years later but lately he is requesting to bond sa kabila kasi they are reaching out.

They are also reaching out to my younger sister na graduating na by promising her to find her a job sa city hall. Inuupdate nila if may CSE na sya. Pero younger sister ko she wants to come with me abroad.

Then the other nights, I saw my brother's story na THEY WENT TO LA UNIOOOON with that sister who tried to kill him 17 years ago. I'm so angry and all this trauma coming back again because my oldest niece older than me and her sisters were playfully drowning me when I was 6.

Off course I sounded like a paranoid mom. I messaged my half-sister to fuck off and threatened her if ever something bad will happen sa brother ko.

Ito namang brother ko galit pa sakin nakakahiya daw kasi they are nice to him naman daw and they didn't say anything bad about me.

I told him na if may gusto sya ipabili dun sya sa half-sister namin.

Reply nya: OK.COOL

Arrrrrrggggghhhh

😡😡😡😡😡

I told this to my older (whole) sister and sabi nya lang "Hayaan mo so he'll learn the hard way. He'll see them through if nagbago sila or not."

I didn't like the idea pero baka nasasakal na din sya sa amin kasi lagi namin pinagsasabihan and we are kinda overprotective to him. I thought we are doing a good job taking care of him but at the end, things happen.

Ang akin lang naman, I don't want him to experience what we had experienced with them. Kasi sobrang fucked up mga ginawa nila na iba borderline criminal na and if I ever list it, 2025 pa tayo matatapos.

Even if kinwento namin sa kanya parang walang pake because they are our memories not him eh.

[curvysoup]

as a confused kid

my grades are so low at this 1st quarter.My parents are kind of disappointed, they are not used to my low grades because this grade is way more harder and it's my first time getting a 89 below grade.

after that, me and my mom were sitting and she randomly asked. "ok ka lang baby? nahihirapan ka ba sa school mo, or ayaw mo na sa section mo? kung gusto mo mag lipat."

i stared at her and said "opo, kunti lang po"

and she started "nahihiya ka daw sabi ni teacher mo, 'di ka daw nag re-recite, sure ka na ok ka lang?"

i feel like a drop of a tear was forming to my eyes,

my sister caught me and saying "na iiyak na oh"

i laugh it off and the tears drop off and my mom tell my siblings to ho upstairs.

it was only me and my mom, we talk about my shy and akward problems, i dont really know why im so shy. im not getting bullied or getting threatened or getting harassed. i think i just made my self so shy and akward. i dont really know.

she told me to make friends but mostly she told me that my only bestest friend is her. my mom.

my mom talked about her younger self being so positive and extrovert person, to cheer me up.

we finished talking when it comes to 2 am in the midnight.

it was the best night i ever had. When i always thought about it again, it made me tear up. telling your problemz to your parents may be not the greatest option,if you thought they would judge you. but knowing your parents well, you should tell them. tell them nicely and make it understandable. its the best option.

"if you dont have friends, I'm your best friend. bestfriend tells secrets and you should too to me. Evene if it's a secret thst you will never like to tell anyone. but im here to support you snd protect you from others"

[kessielrg]

[DA+KH] It Will Get Better

Summary: An experimental fic for @chibi-mushroom‘s Dragon Age AU for the Kingdom Hearts series. Exploring a HumorousHawke!Xion, sedatephobia, mild trauma, bunny children infiltration, and hope. Mild spoilers for after Act 2 of Dragon Age 2. I want to apologize now for how easily startled Xion is, it’s not intentional. ^^;

Rating: K+

Word Count: 2,978 words

If you liked this story, please reblog!

---

The estate was just too quiet. Of course, anything would seem quiet after the Qunari uprising. A few months after, and life at Kirkwall was back to its usual chaos. And yet, Xion found herself staying at home away from the business of the city. Even more so, it gave her time to think about a lot of things.

The Qun. Her mother. Her siblings. The Fifth Blight. Events and experiences that have passed but still insisted on festering in the darkest part of her mind. Was it all her fault? Did she make any good choices in the past five years?

Silence made it worse. Silence made Xion want to hide in a corner, cover her ears, and scream ‘you can’t find me’ like when she was a child. She couldn’t keep doing this. Today she’d go for a walk. Not a long one, but long enough to redirect her thoughts. At first, just getting out of the house had been the harder part. After that, she just followed her feet. Her mind was numb to her surroundings as she walked. It wasn’t until she reached the edge of Kirkwall  -to where the walls surrounding met the outside leading into the Free Marches- that she stopped.

Run.

Run as fast as you can and never turn back.

Xion shook her head. No, there were still things in Kirkwall that needed to be sorted out. She was the city’s champion, after all. She had to stay. If not for the city, then for what family she did have left. Her uncle was debatable, but Cloud? Cloud was… safe. Safer where he was than in being here with her.

But she didn’t want to stay. She wanted to get away from this draining city before it ate her up alive. No, she'd rather die than stay to help the people here. They didn’t need her. Knight-Commander Sephiroth was doing a decent job at keeping peace. Kirkwall didn’t need a champion. It did not need her. If anything, things would probably be a lot more peaceful if she just-!

The sound of a small squeak caught her attention. Blinking (and quickly wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye), Xion looked around for the source of the squeak. She looked down to give a jolt of bewilderment. There, almost at her feet, was a small blue rabbit. The blue creature looked back up at her with wide, almost completely black eyes. Despite its odd appearance (and Xion’s own questioning if it was mortal or not), it didn’t seem to be much of a foe. It just looked at her with its big eyes and wide smile. Nothing else of real note beyond that, really. When it finally decided to bound away from her, Xion jumped back in surprise.

“Wait!” she found herself saying, “Where are you going?”

The blue rabbit paused for a moment before turning back to her. It titled its head from side to side in thought. A grin came across its features again as it waved for her to follow it.

“You’re not serious.”

She was given another grin before the creature started back on its original path again. Xion could feel the hairs on her arm stand up. Something about this wasn’t right -she’d seen too much in Kirkwall for it to be anything but- and yet…

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” she mumbled to herself before finally taking the steps outside Kirkwall’s walls.

That little bunny had been very sure that Xion would follow it. It would go a certain distance before pausing, looking back at her (sometimes even jumping to make sure she knew where it was), then starting back on its trail again. Something about this little game felt surreal; like a part of her was just sleepwalking and she was actually back at home, and still in bed.

She didn’t stop following that bunny, though.

The two of them travelled further and further away from Kirkwall. The imposing walls around it fading from view as they went on. They did keep to the established roads, though, so that was worth some amount of hope to work off of. Eventually, they started to see a caravan along the roadside. Seeing it made the little bunny hop faster- Xion was still too numb in her senses to match its speed. Outside of the caravan were more of the blue bunny children; three were playing some card game where one bunny was being absolutely smug about winning, another two were trying to feed the caravan’s horse a carrot, and one other was with a human young man. It was in noticing the young man that Xion paused.

He didn’t look much older than Cloud- maybe a year younger, but not by much. His clothes made her think he was a lesser noble that ran away from home, with his cleaned black jacket, vest, and pants. Not a wrinkle to be seen. Something about him seemed faintly familiar, as if Xion had seen him around Kirkwall, but not for long periods of time. Was it the hat? It certainly was a style all its own, featuring a long white and red feather for accent. The brim was long enough in the front to hide his upper face when needed, and at the moment it was hard to tell just what kind of face he was making as the bunny child vied for his attention.

The bunny child that had been guiding Xion let out a very loud shout of “I’m ba-ack!” that nearly scared Xion out of her wits. The noise also brought about the attention of the young man. He adjusted his hat a bit before giving a wide grin.

“About time.” he replied. “Did you find Sabi or not?”

The blue bunny just let out a happy squeal before continuing to the young man’s side. Xion had started to come forward again, her feet guiding her to be within arm’s distance of the young man. The two looked each other over- the feeling that Xion had seen this young man before was even more prominent than before.

“Well, you’re not my baby sister.” the young man noted, tilting his hat up a bit to get a better look at Xion. To the bunny child, he got down to about its height before saying, “And did you forget what Sabi looked like? Our sis has brown eyes, not blue ones.”

The bunny child looked back up at him, crossing its arms and giving him a stink eye.

“You are a bit too short to notice that, huh?” the young man then mused before ruffling the top of the bunny’s head. “Don’t worry, I still got a treat for you. It’s in the back of the caravan.”

The small creature gave a sound similar to an ecstatic squeal before heading toward the aforementioned caravan. This just left the two humans to themselves -for the most part- and the silence was starting to weigh on Xion again. If it wasn’t for the sounds of the bunny kids in the card game apparently picking a fight, Xion would have backed away from this odd caravan and straight back to Kirkwall. But did she really want to make that walk back up alone?

“Are you looking for someone?” Xion finally asked, if only to distract her own thoughts. “I could help if you really needed it.”

“Nah.” the young man said with a wave of his hand. “If Junior can’t find Sabi, then Sabi doesn’t want to be found right now. She’ll show up in her own time. Always does.”

“And Sabi is…?”

“My baby sis, of course. Don’t worry- she’s human too.”

A moment of confusion hit Xion, but then it rolled over into good humor.

“Oh good,” she mused, “For a moment I thought she was a Behemoth.”

“With that tenacity of hers, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was part darkspawn.” the young man cheerily replied, tipping his hat toward her in goodwill. “But that’s younger siblings for you; get in all the trouble and think us older kids are gonna bail them out. Not that my sister needs the help, truly. But it’s nice to always be there. You know?”

“I wouldn’t know anything about that.” Xion told him with a smirk. “I was the youngest in my family.”

“Pardon if I’ve offended you, then.” the young man replied. “But you know it’s true. I’m sure your older siblings are down right jealous of how often you get away with things.”

Despite herself, Xion let out a small chuckle. “That’s what my brother would say.” she agreed. “Our father was a mage, and my brother was the only one of us siblings that wasn’t, so he didn’t get to spend much time with him.”

After saying this, Xion froze. Maker, being Kirkwall’s Champion or not, she had forgotten that there was a prejudice against mages. The young man didn’t seem to notice her bluff, or even indicated he thought of it as one, instead giving her a light laugh.

“Now I’m jealous.” he said. “Our old man left sometime after my fifth birthday. He probably never even knew my sister existed.”

Still recoiling from her mistake, and realizing that she had not been listening to him, the news gave Xion a small jolt. She fumbled over her words as she mumbled, “Must have been hard for her. Your sister, that is. There are still days when I wish I could have my father by my side.”

And the rest of my family. It’s too quiet. Too lonely. Too… too…

“Mom was sweet on her.” the young man said, taking Xion out of her thoughts for a moment. “Definitely had a solid reason why she gave her a name meaning ‘princess,’ that’s for sure.” But then a frown appeared on his face. “I think she gave her too much affection, actually. Sabrina doesn’t realize that the version of our mom she saw wasn’t the whole thing. She wouldn’t listen even if I did tell her.”

“Why can’t she see it in your mother herself?” Xion wondered, thinking back to her own father and the times he did something slightly worrying her mother didn’t approve of when she found out about it.

The young man’s expression only darkened. “Mom died when Sabrina was 11, and I was 16. How old were you when you started to question the image you had of your parents?”

Admittedly, it took her a moment to consider it.

“It was probably when my sister’s magic started to manifest,” she carefully decided. “We moved to Lothering to protect (or, I guess more accurately, hide) her. I must have been…?” That was when a realization hit her, and she looked back up at the young man in mild surprise. “I wouldn’t have been much older than Sabrina. Maybe even younger.”

“Exactly.” he affirmed. He let out a long, conflicted sigh before giving a small shake of his head. “But where have my manners gone? We’re talking about family, and we don’t even know each other’s names yet.”

The young man adjusted his hat once more, pushed up his sleeves a bit, then held his hand out to her. “The name is Brain, madam.”

For a moment, Xion just blinked. Her thoughts went on pause from this young man’s change of topic.

“Xion.” she carefully agreed. “Xion Hawke.”

“So that’s why you’re familiar.”

“Huh?”

“I’ve seen you in Kirkwall.” he explained, as simple as day. “I used to operate a pop up store in Lowtown, then moved out to the Gallows by request. Well, it wasn’t so much a request than it was to help out a little wallflower. Either way, I come around every now and again. Circuit around Orlais, Ferelden, and the Free Marches to get the word out.”

“I do recognize you, then!” Xion marveled, speaking more of a thought out loud than actually talking to him proper.

“Nice to know I’m recognizable.” Brain mused, tilting his hat toward her. For a split second, he looked like he was going to say something more, but decided against it. Instead, he gave her a soft smile. “Things have gotten a lot better for us since then. Since Mom died, anyway.”

Returning the conversation back to the original topic made Xion’s heart stop for a moment. “They have?” she carefully asked despite this.

Brain gave her a confident nod.

“Sabi won’t admit it, but they have. Months after our mother died, we were adopted by an Orlesian merchant. He and his wife had been trying to have kids for years, but never could. (And it’s particularly hard to tell for how long they’ve been trying, since they’re one of those who are not quite human, but not quite animal. For some reason the Maker decided those folks could outlive us normals for at least a solid age or two.) So now I pay my dues helping him operate the most successful business this side of Thedas. Sabi also has her own little mission to repay the old rabbit. Although I must warn you- if you ever see a pretty girl with a rabbit mask on; run.”

“Noted.” Xion agreed with a little chuckle.

Brain gave a smile of his own before joining in the laughter. The sound echoed through Xion’s heart and filling her with a relief she didn’t know she needed until now.

After awhile, Brain collected himself to gently slide a finger across the brim of his hat.

“Things will get better for you too.” he then carefully told her, jolting Xion out of her joy. Not for the first time, the sudden shock feeling more like a slap to the face. It was rather concerning that this young man had that kind of power. “It might be something small- like buying yourself something nice, or meeting someone new. Maybe it’ll happen ten years from now. Who really knows? It’s hard, but it is possible to focus on the good coming, rather than the bad that’s already happened. It won’t be easy, but you seem the type to never back down.”

“Like your sister?” Xion asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“A lot like my sister, actually.” he laughed in return. His sincere humor toward the topic was enough to send Xion in a light laughter as well. 

Not wanting the small joy to end, Xion let her laugh naturally die down before looking him over again. Brain only stopped laughing because a bunny child was biding for his attention. As he talked to them, Xion further studied the young man. You couldn’t tell it at first glance, but Brain did have a genuine worry for his little sister. He hid it well behind clever remarks and an unbridled confidence. She wondered for a moment if Cloud felt the same way about her. It didn’t cross Xion’s mind that she had been staring for too long until Brain brought his attention to her. He didn’t say anything, but he tipped his hat in goodwill.

“It’s getting late.” Brain noted, taking half a glance up at the sky before looking back at Xion. “Would you like an escort back to Kirkwall?”

Xion smirked. “It would be the smarter choice, wouldn’t it?”

Brain offered back a rather bemused chuckle. He then let out a shrill whistle. Not long after, a blue bunny child came out of the caravan and happily bounded over to them. The bunny kid nuzzled against Brain for a moment as he likewise gave them a pat on the head.

“Junior, do me a favor and take Xion back home.” he said with a smile. “It’s getting late.”

The bunny child looked up at him with a wide grin, nodded in agreement, then happily went to Xion. It happily bounded into her arms, looking up at her with an innocent gleam in its eye. A thought came over Xion- one that she spoke out loud in mild bewilderment.

“That’s… not the same one from before.”

Brain raised an eyebrow in time with tilting his hat forward a bit. “Wow, I’m impressed. How’d you guess?”

“A hunch.” Xion carefully admitted. A comment from before came back to Xion in that moment. Brain had mentioned that his adoptive caretaker was a rabbit, right? And these blue bunnies were likely from him, right? She felt a bit dumb in just now asking the question. “Didn’t you say that your adoptive parents were not able to have children of their own?”

A rather mischievous glint flickered in Brain’s eye for a moment. “That’s still correct.”

“So how’d this little fella come along?”

Brain smirked. “Their luck changed, just like yours will.”

For a moment, Xion didn’t know what to think about that. She idly looked back down at the bunny child. It looked up at her with a wide eyed curiousness that only children knew how to pull off. The raw innocence of the creature almost made her recoil. At the same time, something in her clicked.

There was still hope.

Xion hugged the bunny kid for a second before waving Brain goodbye. The walk back to Kirkwall wasn’t filled with heavy thoughts. If anything, she was almost skipping. Once she and the bunny child got back to Kirkwall’s gates, they waved good bye and Xion made the walk back to Hightown. She saw a lot of blue bunnies on the way there. Each time she saw one, she remembered what Brain told her. When Xion got home, quietly shut the door behind her, and started to make a cup of tea. She slept incredibly well that night. It felt nice.

After that day, Xion started to notice just how many blue bunnies hung around Kirkwall. Each time she would see them, she’d smile and remember Brain’s advice with clarity.

It will get better.

[covermeinclouds]

food is such a touchy subject for me. anyone who knows me knows that i hate when people eat my food without my permission. i’m super fucking generous with it and all i really want is to be asked permission. and it isn’t even to sound quirky or anything. i’ve literally ended friendships because of this happening. and unfortunately, it’s out of trauma. when i was younger, my mom used to wait for me to go to sleep and bag all my snacks to give to my cousins. so i’d wake up expecting a chocolate bar in the fridge or something and there’d be nothing. she did this so much that i was convinced she was doing it on purpose. cause she did this a lot when she was on the way to leaving my dad that i had to keep all my snacks up in my room and lock the door cause she’d barge in and take my things to give to my cousins. hahahaha. i hated this so much. whenever i had more food than i could take, i’d give it to anyone. my share wouldn’t have as much because i’d be giving it to my cousins or friends. that’s why it’s so fucking annoying na konti na nga lang yung akin ibibigay pa sa mga pinsan ko na walang ka-alam alam na she was already stealing??? Lol hahahah anyway she left us after that. di na din nagparamdam kahit nung namatay na si daddy. nagparamdam nalang nung nalaman niya about sa insurance ni daddy. sabi daw mag dalawang cheke na kelangan namin iclaim lol but that’s for another time

[linkspooky]

Rengoku and Tanjiro

Rengoku is the first among the pillars to seriously mentor Tanjiro. Meeting Rengoku, and also witnessing his death is a turning point of the series for Tanjiro as it sets him on the path to learning the sun breath. Despite only knowing him for a few days at most there’s a reason Rengoku is an incredibly important person to Tanjiro. The two of them are foils, they’re both people who live primarily for other people instead of themselves. While they are both very kind-hearted people, Rengoku’s death shows that there are drawbacks to only living for the sake of other people rather than youself. MORE UNDER THE CUT.

1. What Tanjiro and Rengoku Live For 

Rengoku acts towards Tanjiro, the same way Tanjiro acts towards everyone else. He’s a completely warm presence that seems to unconditionally accept, and encourage everyone he meets. Inosuke and Zenitsu always end up following Tanjiro around and fighting with him because he was unabashedly kind to them even though both of them have incredibly difficult personalities to deal with. We see Inosuke and Zentisu latch onto Rengoku the same way almost immediately. 

Rengoku and Tnajiro are both people who end up looking after and nurturing everyone around them. Even when they don’t intend to. Tanjiro when being nursed back to health at the butterfly estate ends up befriending even the estate members looking after him, he notices Shinobu’s anger, he tries to discern Kanao’s true feelings. 

Tanjiro is someone who humanizes everone around him. His empathy is permanently switched in the on position. It’s impossible for himself not to see other people as humans, so he ends up even humanizing the demons he is fighting and caring about their feelings in the last moment. 

They even both dream about the same thing. In Rengoku’s dream he sees his little brother again and is allowed to encourage him. 

Whereas Tanjiro’s dream is embracing his siblings around him. Tanjiro and Rengoku also view themselves as failures to their family. No matter how strong they become it won’t make up for how they’ve already failed. Rengoku’s father won’t accept him even if he became a pillar. Tanjiro believes failing to come home that day while his entire family got attacked by demons was his fault for not being there. Whereas, no matter what Rengoku does he canont break his father out of his depressive slump. 

For both of them, their inspiration to fight, their breathing techniques comes from their fathers. Such as Tanjiro’s flashback of his father fighting against the bear in the Akaza fight. The difference being that Rengoku’s father was a demon slayer, whereas Tanjiro’s was a simple charcoal maker who took care of his family. 

Both of their fathers also drop out of their lives early. Rengoku’s father fell into a depressive spiral, and started drinking and blaming all of his failures on his son. Whereas Tanjiro’s father died early. Afterwards both of them took responsibility as the oldest sibling and saw themselves as the head of the household. 

They both have caretaker personalities because as the oldest sibling they believe it’s always been their job and obligation to take care of their younger siblings, and show their younger siblings the kindness that they no longer receive from their fathers. They’ve compeltely replaced their father in their younger siblings lives and take on that responsibility for thmeselves. How they deal with their younger siblings, also shapes their relationships for absolutely everyone else they encounter. No doubt, Tanjiro has so much patience for other people because he’s acted as caretaker and nurturer for a rowdy house of several younger siblings. 

The two of them even have similiar spiritual cores. Both of them in the center of who they are, have warm centers surrounded by flames. The only difference being that Rengoku’s will burn to protect, while Tanjiro’s are warm and embracing. 

They both even have the same standards for judging people. Rengoku cacepts Tanjiro’s sister when he sees her fighting to protect other people in spite of her own well being. Tanjiro and Rengoku both define selflessness, and fighting for the sake of other people as the qualities of strength they look for in other people. 

2. The Death of Rengoku

However, in the end Rengoku dies because he cannot listen to his own advice. He spent his life living entirely for the sake of other people to the point where he neglected himself. He probably told Tanjiro these words because they were the words Rengoku himself wanted to hear. After all he had to carry his father, his mother, and his younger brother’s burdens, and had to constantly fight with the feelings that he might not be good enough, or even enough for the people around him. Rengoku’s too selfless to the point where he can no longer take care of himself. 

Rengoku lives entirely for the sake of his duties to other people. Which is what pushes him to keep fighting to the very brink even when Akaza has him backed into a corner.  Rengoku also deliberately chose a move that let Akaza fatally injure him in the hopes of sacrificing himself when the sun came up, rather than let Akaza have the chance to get away. 

Rengoku chooses death deliberately because he can never choose himself over another person. However, in the end his sacrifice is wasted. Akaza gets away anyway. He leaves his brother alone, and he throws guilt and responsibility on Tanjiro. Rengoku still believes in his death he only lived to fulfill the obligations he had towards protecting other people. 

His mother well intentioned, but she also died and left him with far more responsibility than any child should handle. Even though Rengoku died a heroic and noble death, he also died leaving his brother behind with his abusive father. Being told that Rengoku died heroically, and gloriously does little to comfort his little brother who is left alone. There’s an emptiness and poignancy to death once the flames have faded.  

He also burdens Tanjiro with the same guilt that Giyuu experiences towards Sabi. That he should have been the one to die, and Rengoku should have lived because he was stronger. 

Yoriichi who lived his life entirely selflessly devoted to other people, even says the same at the end of his days. That he never protected the people he wanted to protect, that he didn’t get what he wanted. 

Yoriichi was the strongest, he always fought for the sake of others, but he thought that of himself as worthless. 

In both cases you can’t live your life entirely fighting for the sake of other people and putting yourself down. It’s the lesson that Tanjiro has to grasp from both of their failures. That it’s okay to be selfish, it’s okay to focus on yourself, as long as you find that balance. You have to take care of your loved ones, and also fight to protect the weak at the same time. 

Which is what Tanjiro is slowly but surely learning, especially in his interactions with Giyuu. That being completely selfless, to the point of thinking that it would be better if you were the only one suffering, if you were the one that died instead, is something that  not only neglects yourself, but also neglects the feelings and importance that others place in you. 

Which is why Tanjiro can succeed to find that balance that Rengoku failed to, to live for both others, and himself. To be empowered by his connections to others, but not feel the need to burn himself for the sake of others. 

[abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzpcc]

Macarthur: A Grim Portrayal of Philippine Poverty

⠀ ⠀ Written by Bob Ong, Macarthur is a novel that follows the lives of a group of friends who have to deal with their own flaws: Cyrus, Noel, Jim, and Voltron. Although he is known for his works themed after satire and humor, Bob Ong deviated from his usual formula to produce a novel depicting life in a Filipino slum community. The story opens with one of the main characters getting chased after stealing and swallowing an expensive necklace. He eventually gets caught by a corrupt policeman and is forced to defecate and hand over the stolen piece of jewelry. Macarthur can create very believable scenarios that everyone in the Philippines knows actually happen in real life. As a result, the novel is able to develop most of its cast of characters in a realistic way to show how miserable and tragic lives in the slums of the Philippines are.

⠀ ⠀ Education was one of the ideas contained in the novel. In particular, many mentions of education were from Cyrus or his grandfather, Mang Justo. When the four boys were at the fair, Cyrus asked his friends whether or not they wanted to turn their lives around, and uttered the following quote: “If I had finished my studies, I and Tatay [Mang Justo] would be rich now.”1 This dream for a proper education, along with something he had said earlier about building a business to buy a big TV and cook Tinola for his grandfather, showed that Cyrus had a will to turn his life around. Unfortunately, due to society, he had not been able to continue with this dream. It shows that many people are willing to change for the better, but they have no means.

⠀ ⠀ Later, when Noel and Mang Justo had a heart-to-heart talk about life, the topic of the discussion shifted to Noel’s education. At one point, Noel said that he wanted to return to school, but he did not know where to start. To this, Mang Justo responds: “You’ll only have to study for twenty years. You have to be able to endure that much, otherwise you’ll have to suffer for fifty years instead.”2 Having regret for himself and worry for the boy, he relayed this powerful analogy that emphasizes the importance of proper education. Overall, it can be seen that Mang Justo is a very empathetic man shown to have elder wisdom coming from his experiences in poverty and the successes of his children.

⠀ ⠀ Another theme that the novel tries to tackle is the idea of expectations. The characters in the novel are shown to have their own hopes and dreams. Through the eyes of the characters, we see how each of them struggles in order to achieve their goals. As previously mentioned, Cyrus and Noel had aspirations for their futures. Unfortunately, we see both of these characters’ aspirations come crashing down by the end of the novel due to the circumstances they have been exposed to. It shows the grim reality of the life of those who live in poverty. Jim can also be seen being affected by said circumstances. Due to poverty, he and his wife struggle to raise their child. One scene in the novel shows the two arguing with each other. Olive, Jim’s wife, was unsatisfied with the life they were living; Jim did not meet her expectations.3

⠀ ⠀ Voltron is another example of failed expectations in the novel. His mother, Aling Seding, was said to have high expectations of him—a fact that was shown by the name his mother had given to him. His legal name, Amadeus, was never used to refer to him in the entire span of the novel. He was commonly referred to as either Voltron or Denver, Voltron being used by his close friends and Denver being used either by his mother or colleagues. The name Amadeus may actually refer to the famous composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who was a child prodigy. This name represents the expectations that Aling Seding once had when Voltron was younger. At one part of the story, Voltron, together with his friends and mother, were having a drinking session. While having their chat, Voltron’s mother happened to say a comment in passing. She called Voltron a punyeta (roughly translated to asshole), saying that she had put so much effort for him to go to school, disappointed at the fact that he dropped out.4 This being said, the only people who refer to Voltron as Denver were people who did not think that highly of him. Besides his mother, only his colleagues, who were implied to be doing illegal activities, were the ones who referred to him as Denver. These colleagues obviously do not think highly of him; it was implied that these people were responsible for Voltron’s death. If these people did actually respect Voltron, they would not have let him die. His third name, Voltron, is an obvious reference to the animated television show of the same name. Voltron (the character in the novel), was described to have a bumpy chest, a small head, and big limbs. His physical appearance is an allusion to the actual television character, having the same physical features. Though, the connection between the two characters does not only end with their physical appearance. The television character Voltron was also commonly referred to as “Defender of The Universe”.  As seen in the novel, Voltron wanted to stay away from mischievous activities. After meeting with Edwin, he was described as not wanting to join said activities.5 He can also be seen abstaining from vices his friends do, even going to the point of trying to convince them to do the same.6 From a conversation between Cyrus and Voltron, it can also be seen that Voltron heavily disagrees with Cyrus’ sentiments on stealing. This being said, the parallels between the characters from the television show and the novel can be drawn. Voltron (in the novel) can also be described as the “Defender of the Universe”, the word “universe” referring to his friends. This shows his efforts of trying to protect his friends from bad influences.

⠀ ⠀ Other than education and dreams, poverty and addiction are also very prominent themes in the novel. Owing to poverty, the characters in the story face various problems. Being the eldest son and having a widowed mother, Voltron needs to stand for his other siblings. He needs to borrow money to meet the daily needs of the family and his youngest sibling. Another character, Jim, has an unstable income causing him to quarrel with Olive. In order to have a more decent life, the four main characters have tried to change towards a better path, but were unsuccessful in the end. 

⠀ ⠀ Sometimes, people steal in order to survive. Due to the extremely uneven wealth distribution in modern society, people often steal to meet their basic needs such as food and clothing. Stealing seemed to be a daily routine of Cyrus’ life. He told Mang Justo that he has a job, but when Mang Justo asked him about which factory he was employed in, he paused for a few seconds before answering. The “work” he might be referring to is stealing. Although it is a white lie, it also revealed his deceitful behavior.

⠀ ⠀ Many issues arise from addiction as well. Cyrus consumes drugs which leads to the tragedy that happens near the end of the story. Again, Cyrus stole accessories from an ale. However, this time, he stole an accessory for the spendings of Mang Justo’s kidney transplant. Seeing Topak was almost near and reaching him, he went to the comfort room. Cyrus swallowed one of the accessories and kept the other one in his pocket. Then, he took the five packs of shabu from his pocket and consumed them one by one. From this it can be seen that Cyrus usually has drugs with him. 

⠀ ⠀ In many cases, addiction is a kind of escape from reality or a short-term sense of security. Through smoking, drugs, drinking alcohol, games, the internet, and other forms of addiction, people get rid of worrying emotions temporarily. In the end, people fall into a brutal cycle and cannot get rid of their vices. Hence, their personality, lifestyles, and people around them will also be affected.

⠀ ⠀ The novel is a realistic portrayal of the life of lower-class Filipinos, revealing many social issues such as poverty, addiction, unemployment, and lack of education. The story showed the qualities, growth, and change of the characters. The four friends represent the young people in Philippine society, with virtuous innate qualities, but inadvertently led down the wrong path, tainted with bad vices. At the same time, they also want to escape from the vicious cycle of poverty, so they reflect on themselves and promise to reform themselves after realizing their mistakes. However, they do not let go of their vices because they think they can control their addiction. Things do not work out the way the friends thought they would, and the story ends as it does in the real world, where not all efforts are rewarded positively. 

⠀ ⠀ Not only in the book, but these topics have always been social issues that have been brought up in reality. The author's intention in writing this story is not only to bring up these topics again, but also to warn readers to make every life choice wisely because even a small negligence can affect them. The story of the four friends is fictional, but the people in the real world have only one life to live.

Quote sources

Translated from Filipino. Original quote: “Kung nakapag-aral ako, mayaman kami dapat ngayon ni Tatay.” p. 45.

Translated from Filipino. Original quote: “Dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. Kung di mo pagtitiyagaan, anak, limang dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit.” p. 87.

“Kumakain tayo, Jim! Nagdadamit tayo. Nagkakasakit tayo. Kailangan natin ng legal na tubig at kuryente. Kailangan mo ng matinong trabaho. Kailangan ni Jon-Jon ng tatay. Kailangan ko ng asawa. Kailangan nating mabuhay! Ito na ba yung rurok ng mga pangarap mo, Jim? Hanggang dito ka na lang ba? Eto na ba yon lahat?!” pp. 37–38.

“Etong si Denver putangina ‘tong batang ‘to pinag-aaral ko dati, sa sabungan naman pala tumutuloy, kaya punyeta ka, sabi ko, huminto ka nalang, wala ka namang pakinabang!” p. 49.

Alam nya ang reputasyon ng kausap. Alam nyang nakakatulong ito sa mga handang magpatulong. At yun ang tanging katarantaduhan sa buhay na kinatatakutan nya ata hangga’t maaari ay gusto sanang iwasan.” p. 25.

“Tarugo kasi kayo, ayaw niyo tigilan mga bisyo nyo e,” p. 15.

Image sources: 

Abee5

Malvika Neupane, Boost Thyself

Get Real Philippines

[hashirun]

My younger brother really knows how to wind me up. We're currently on a road trip / food trip here in Alabang. My youngest brother is driving and is having trouble navigating Madrigal Park even with the assistance of Waze. He said, "Ang hirap talaga mag-drive pag sa Alabang o Makati kahit naka-Waze, pabago-bago."

My younger brother said "Palitan mo yung voice assistant ng lalaki para di pabago-bago."

I immediately retaliated "Hoy ang sexist mo!"

He laughed mischievously and said "Sabi na magre-react yan eh."

Damn straight I'm reacting!

I do my best to educate my siblings on today's social issues, and I'm glad they listen to me, but it doesn't stop them from trying to annoy the hell out of me whenever they can. Brothers. 🙄

[blindsidedguy]

What an emotional night it was for me.

I just had a conversation with my tita this evening. I used to help her financially since mawalan siya ng work, she has 4 children, mga cousin ko, her husband is working but the amount of his earning is not enough to support them. She was very emotional kasi nahihirapan daw sila during this ECQ, no work no pay kasi ang asawa niya.

I don’t want to bragged this act, but yes i do give help and assistance to my family members either from my dad’s or nanay’s side. Been doing this since 2015 when all of my younger sibs graduated and now are working na din. Hindi naman big amount yung help, in short yung sapat lang, pandagdag lang. Actually somehow secret yung pagtulong ko cause ayoko sana mahighlight and magkaroon ng issue among them. Pinapadaan ko lang thru my mother yung help tapos sobrang discreet pa, somehow kasi nahihiya ako. Haha. Di kasi ako close sa family namin.

Hindi naman talaga mayaman ang pamilya namin, pero blessed ako na nakagraduate ako and landed a job na that pays me well. Sabi ko nga minsan i’m earning more than enough for myself, and then dun ko naisip yung purpose nun. Maybe the reason why God put me in this situation is that He wants to use me as an instrument of help and compassion. Pag minsan nakakaramdam na ko ng pagod and feeling ko under appreciated ako, yun ung reason na iniisip ko. Yun yung purpose ko.

I’m not asking anything for return from my family, i rarely talk to them regarding the matter. Though they know it was me. But my tita got me in tears tonight by saying this “Alam mo bang idol ka ng mga pinsan mo, gusto din daw nila maging CPA para makatulong din sa iba”.

Not the response i was expecting. But that was more heartfelt than a thank you message. Yung sa maliit na bagay na ginagawa mo, may naiinspire ka pala. I never imagined it in me. I just knew my purpose and that was to give help to others, never ko naisip na pwede pala kong maka-inspire ng mga bata. Idk pero ang galing mo God talaga, You really work wonderfully and mysteriously. I never felt this so much joy in my heart. You God is the true inspiration.

What a way to start the Holy Week, I hope everyone finds their true purpose under the Lord. A Blessed Palm Sunday! 🌿

[haosthetics]

Kabilang Buhay

Seungkwan was lost not until he met Hansol, Hansol was the one who save him from his step father’s cruelty the world became unfair for Seungkwan his dad died when he was 7 and his mom met his step father when he was 9 years old walang ginawang iba si Seungkwan kundi sundin ang nais ng kanyang amahin and he always wish that his dad was there to protect him he felt so tired being hurt Seungkwan ace his class but he was always treated low in their own house until he met Hansol he witness Seungkwan’s downfall he witness how his step father hurt him how his hands hit Seungkwan and how much he beg him to stop suddenly Hansol became his constant man he was there for Seungkwan he was the one who help Seungkwan tatlong taon they became couple Hansol’s parent and older brother Choi Seungcheol welcomes him to the family for the first time naramdaman niya na welcome siya sa pamilya na meron siyang tahanan na uuwian at ligtas siya Hansol’s dad was the one who filed an case against his step father and he was so thankful that he met Hansol and his family.

Everything was perfect Seungkwan went home early he was quite sick he was now an CEO and he was planning to prepare dinner for Hansol and his family it was their 7th anniversary and every anniversary Seungkwan was making sure that he was the one who will cook their dinner.

“Ang aga mo ata Seungkwan?” Seungcheol ask while getting a pitcher of water

“Ah oo kuya masama pakiramdam ko ewan ko I felt something big will happen today di naman sa OA lang ako pero medyo kinakabahan ako kuya Cheol” Seungkwan mumbles and Seungcheol receive an call he drop the pitcher and Seungkwan was shock

“Kwan it’s Vernon”

“Ha? Bakit kuya?”

“He was in the hospital tara papunta na sila mom and dad don” Seungcheol replied Seungkwan felt weak he was getting weak no this couldn’t be His Hansol

“Kuya pwede bilisan mo ng konti?” Seungkwan ask he was crying hard now gladly Jeonghan is right next to him trying his best to calm the younger one

The last time he felt someone’s on verge of dying was when it comes to his mom who got into car accident too

After couple of minutes Vernon’s parents are outside the operating room his mom was just crying and his dad was just hugging his wife the doctor came his expression same expression as what he saw when his mom was declared dead

“Mr. Choi Hansol Vernon’s family?”

“Yes kami kamusta ang anak ko?” His mom ask and the doctor shake his head and Seungkwan’s knees are getting weak gladly Jeonghan and Seungcheol was there for him right now

“I am sorry but Mister Choi was declared dead as of 3:30PM excuse me” the doctor mumbles and Seungkwan cried how could he left like that Vernon he was the only person who fight for Seungkwan siya lang ang aasahan ni Seungkwan siya nalang ang meron kay Seungkwan.

Vernon’s parents hug Seungkwan he cried more knowing that there is no reason for them to hug Seungkwan they lost Hansol too

“Puntahan na natin siya Kwan” His mom calmly told him Seungkwan didn’t knew that this will be the last time he will see Hansol’s beautiful smile, that would be the last morning he will receive from Hansol, That would be the last I love you he will receive if he could just go back in time he will be there for Hansol even it will took his life too he just wished that he hug Hansol tighter he will do that

“Happy 7th anniversary bub you promise me na di mo ko iiwan bat mo naman kami sinopresa ng ganto bub di ko alam paano pa ko gigising sa umaga na alam ko na wala ka na sa tabi ko hindi ko na maririnig yung I love you mo and happy anniversary mo bub bakit? ang daya mo naman ihahanda ko palang yung dinner diba mag ce-celebrate pa tayo 7years na sol tsaka ka naman umalis pangako mo next year we are getting married ready na ko sol tsaka ka naman nawala sakin ang daya naman ni lord ang unfair ng mundo ako nalang sol ako nalang tumayo ka jan Hansol Vernon Choi dali na di ako magagalit di na ko mag tatampo sayo bub”

“Kwan”

“Tita Ma paano na ko si Vernon nalang meron ako” Seungkwan mumbles and Vernon’s parents hugs him tighter

“Nandito kami we won’t leave you behind Hansol definitely in good hands now remember when he started playing his favorite song sabi niya Ma even in my second life I will pick you and papa as my parents, I will pick Seungcheol hyung as my brother and definitely even in my second life I will pick Seungkwan as my other half kapag di ako pinayagan ni lord na hindi kayo ang parents ko at di si Kuya ang kuya ko at hindi si Seungkwan ang magiging boyfriend ko gagawan ko pa rin ng paraan mahal ko kayo ni papa tsaka kuya mahal ko rin si Seungkwan” His mom mumbles and a tears started falling from her eyes

“Hi Sol nak kami na bahala kay Seungkwan rest well anak you really did well alam mo naman mahal ka namin mahal na mahal” His dad said and Seungkwan hug his Hansol

“Bub look for me in your second life hintayin mo ko matatagalan I will be better soon bub pahinga ka maigi mahal na mahal na mahal kita” Seungkwan said and they been heading out of the morgue

“You can stay with us Kwan Hansol’s room can be yours or you can use the guess room”

“Salamat po Tito pa”

“We are family hindi namin hahayaan na masaktan ka mag isa do not forget that Kwannie please” Hansol’s mom said and there Seungkwan hug her tightly

“Salamat tita ma tsaka tito pa for being my second family for being my savior and for always taking care of me”

“Ano ka ba you’ve taken care of Hansol kaya enough na samin how much you’ve change hansol hindi pa enough yung tulong namin sayo” His dad said and Seungkwan smile at Hansol’s parents

They are just talking when the police interrupted them

“Mr. and Mrs. Choi the truck was found pero yung driver we are currently looking for him anyways we found this on Mr. Hansol’s car it seems for you Seungkwan anyways that’s our update for today we will update you once the suspect is found already” The police mumbles Seungkwan click the stuff toy and it was a talking stuff toy with Hansol’s voice

“Happy anniversary bub it’s been 7years since I’ve started dating the most beautiful and amazing boyfriend ang swerte ko that you keep loving me for 7years and I hope you won’t get tired of me mahal na mahal kita Kwannie you can use this kapag na mimiss mo ko ah Kwan I hope you know that even on my second life I will choose you I will pick you up kaya sana ganun ka rin I love you” Hansol’s voice seems so cracky he seems crying after the note.

“Mahal kita Sol mahal na mahal kita”

[roseaintclear]

FIRST NOTE/RANT OF THE YEAR

Last month, i met a guy sa church. yung sakristan doon that turned out to be the guy i really like. yung guy hindi nagmamadali and he wanted to take things slow. at first, sabi ko, i like this. i like how this guy talk and think. madami siyang alam especially sa mga exotic animals. yun yung hilig niyang alagaan. nung una, siya pa yung nagfifirst move, nag gogood morning tapos nag gogood night with a heart pa. so ako, umasa ako. then. i prayed na if this guy is not for me then tanggalin niya na sa life ko. tapos he actually knew na i’m younger than him. 3 years age gap. then one time, we talked about his past relationship and about girls na nagkakagusto sa kaniya. it turns out na he’s just nice and kind to everyone. he treat every girl fairly. tapos nangffriendzone siya. he even told me na sa pagiging friends naman nagsisimula lahat. he has a point naman edi g pa rin ako. kaso i asked about how he courted his ex. he told me that he did not court his ex, his ex courted him. for me, i think he’s telling me that i should court him? idk if i’m right but i wish its the other way around.  and for the past week, i noticed how he changed. his replies were late. nawala na ‘yung good morning and good night. as in nawala na ‘yung pagiging sweet niya minsan. maybe this was a sign na hindi siya yung right guy for me. actually sometimes, i think he feels the calling. ewan ko. may vibe lang na ganon.so ayon, 3 days na kaming di naguusap. sineen ko nalang siya. well you may say na ‘eh kasi sineen mo’ i did that to him before pero nagchat pa rin siya tho. one time, he even inboxed me e kung di ko pa ulit siya chinat di talaga siya magrereply. so well, i guess that’s the first guy of 2021.

[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar

[halfthebattle]

Life Update

(Before you read this blog post, I just want to share that I’m currently listening to Sleeping with Siren’s playlist of Scene 1 to Scene 5 while writing this, hihi)

WARNING: Mahaba itong post na ‘to. Pagtiyagaan niyo nalang. Minsan lang naman ako magkuwento eh. Haha.

Hello! How are you? As always, I wish that you are all doing fine. As for me, well, I know I haven’t been active lately, and I have no better excuse than “My life has been a series of complicated mess and I didn’t know how to put those in words, I’m sorry”. Deep inside, there’s always been the urge and the need to write. Writing always calms me. It’s like an aromatic coffee that, once inhaled and sipped, gives me peace even just for a moment. But then again, I always want to find the right blend of coffee – the right words to write, that is. Maybe some of you can relate, but sometimes, it’s hard to put your emotions into words so oftentimes, you are left with suppressing them. But here I am now, about to mix in the best ingredients that I could find.

I’m about to share with all of you a glimpse of what happened over the past weeks – only those that I think are important but not too personal enough to mention.

1. Remember that post I had last August 16 when I said that I was having the worst weeks of my 2018 yet? Well, one of the reasons is my unfortunate chance of receiving ‘singko’. While taking our midterm exam, I was caught using my phone. No need to deny it now that I was checking if my answers were right, so yes, you can call that cheating, folks. I didn’t want to share it as much as possible because I felt ashamed, but then I realized, “To hell with it, I started out a blog, I should share even the bad sides that I have. I should be transparent to my readers.” My professor, who was already a senior citizen, had a hard time deciding whether he would fail me or not. He talked to the president of our class in private and asked for a second opinion. The president of our block didn’t know what to say but he did mention the oath that we signed when we shifted to Finance from Accountancy. It was written there that we are supposed to not receive a grade of 5.00 again, or else it will lead to expulsion. I was a coward, I didn’t have the guts to talk to my professor face-to-face about the matter, so I sent him a long message, explaining but mostly apologizing. He told me that I should just wait for my grades on the CRS. What really pained me were his other words. He told me that being a graduating student, being the eldest among the siblings in my family, and that my father is expecting me to graduate are not enough reasons to pass me. I swear I was tearing up when I read that. I was not worried about me, I was worried about my parents. I didn’t want them to know about this considering that it will only add to their burden. Left with no choice, I had nothing better to do than to swallow my pride and still attend classes in that subject and excruciatingly wait for my grades. As someone with depression, you could just imagine how that caused me to panic and pity myself. I kept on thinking, “Pwede bang sabihin nalang niya kung isisingko niya ako para alam ko na next move ko, kasi hindi ko na kaya na maghintay pa ng two months, hindi ako makahinga nang maluwag araw-araw?” You’ll know more about what happened after with this subject later.

Another reason for “worst weeks of 2018 yet” is our thesis. Even before we were able to do our business research, we were assigned to pass 5 thesis topic proposals. Among the 5 that my groupmates and I passed, nothing was approved. We were in dire need to start our business research already because time was against us – we only had one month left. To top it all off, sabi pa sa amin ng prof namin, “Ang babaw ng topics niyo.” Sinabi niya yun sa buong klase. Sobrang gusto na namin ng groupmates ko na kainin kami ng lupa. But I didn’t see it as mababaw. About Gender Finance yung isa naming topic, yung isa naman is about Neoliberalism. Ano mababaw run?

2. Last September 23, 2018, I wasn’t able to blog about it, but I took the Philippine Law School Admission Test (PHILSAT). I was able to muster all my strength and courage to take it and have our Thesis Oral Defense after two days! Yes, in less than a week, I faced the PHILSAT and our defense! Honestly speaking, hindi ko rin alam paano ko nakaya pero kahapon, October 15, 2018, the results were out. Lo and behold:

Hindi ko na ipapakita pangalan ko, pero NAKAPASA AKO SA PHILSAT! For less than an hour, I was happy about it, but things happen, and I feel like life (or some people) was selfish enough to let me rejoice for a day.

3. Last October 06, 2018, it was my first ever time to watch a movie in the cinema all by myself. The experience was fun and freeing at the same time. Though this was an impulsive decision I made after class, I think I should do it more often. It was a healthy way to reconnect with myself. Anyway, Exes Baggage is a 9/10 for me! Umiiyak akong lumabas ng theatre. Haha.

4. I had a day of pampering with my younger cousin at Laguna two days ago. We had a facial session, a whole-body Swedish massage, then we capped off the night with Seattle’s Best Double Chocolate Mint and Sip & Dip’s budget-friendly create-your-own snack! Gustung gusto ko kapag pumupunta ako sa kanila sa Laguna ‘cause parang pampering day ko talaga yun. Haha.

(Nagswitch na ako sa playlist ng LANY. Now Playing: Malibu Nights. Ang sakit, mga sis.)

5. Last night, as mentioned in my previous post, biglaan akong inatake ng Major Depressive Disorder ko. Masyado na marami nangyayari sa buhay ko minsan na minsan tinatry ko mawalan ng paki, tinatry ko huwag panghawakan yung mga bagay na yun, but sometimes, hindi pa rin ako matahimik. Kagabi, on my way home, di muna ako pumasok ng bahay kasi umiiyak na ako mag-isa sa labas ng bahay namin, mukha akong tanga though wala naman nakakakita sa akin. Chinat ko bestfriends ko. Ayun, minessage nung bestfriend ko since kindergarten yung nanay ko. Nung una, di ako pinayagan pero pumayag din naman. So, nagbook na ako ng Grab papunta sa kanila. Nag-usap kami sa kwarto niya about things that are going in our lives. Nagpa-McDelivery kami pero nakatulog na ako so siya nalang kumain kagabi. Sa umaga ko nalang kinain yung share ko. HAHA.

6. As of today, kumpleto na rin naman grades ko. Pasado ako sa lahat. Although hindi ako kontento sa grades ko, alam ko naman na deserve ko yung mga mabababa. Ang importante nalang sa akin ngayon is nakapasa ako. About dun sa prof ko na pinag-iisipan kung ibabagsak ako, well, nung Final Examination week namin, hindi na niya pinag-exam yung mga perfect attendance. Isa na ako run. Pero he talked to me separately. Nag-aral daw ba ako, sabi ko, “Opo, Sir.” Sabi niya, “Nevermind, don’t take the exam. You won’t fail. I assure you. In a 1/8 sheet of paper, just write the grade you think you deserve.” Oh, diba, mala-Fault in our Stars?! Haha. Nilagay ko 2.75. Binago ko. Nilagay ko 3.00. In the end, he gave me 2.50. I messaged him na super thankful ako kasi ang considerate niya. Di ko yata deserve. ☹ As for my other professor, gusto ko isampal sa kaniya yung sinabi niya na ang babaw ng topic namin. Pero thankful na rin ako kasi nabago topic namin. We got 1.25. KAMI PINAKA MATAAS, BESHY. We couldn’t get happier!

7. Oo nga pala, “sembreak” na namin ngayon. Pero limang araw lang. First time ko ‘to maexperience in my college life. Haha. Sa limang araw na yun, dalawang araw inilaan pa sa enrollment. Bawas pa ng isang araw kasi bukas, pinapapunta kami para i-file yung overload form namin for next sem. So, lumalabas na dalawang araw lang pahinga ko. At yung isa pa run ay kinuha sa akin ng depression ko. Haha.

That’s all, folks! If you’ve reached this far, please comment a heart for me! Kailangan ko ngayon ng love and attention. Asar, ang needy ko. Huehue. Anyway... Thank you so much!!