#and selfishly it would make me feel worse trying not to compare myself to how much more meshed with reality she is she makes it look easy

[toastsnaffler]

really horribly anxious this morning and can't seem to shake it off :-(

[digital-corruption]

Unrecognisable Part 47

It took me a while to realise Jake not only stopped moving, he stopped breathing as stared at the fire wide-eyed, his face as white as a ghost, body trembling. He was so caught up in attacking Cyan that he hadn’t even noticed the fire, but now that Cyan laid dead underneath him, there was nothing to distract him from our situation. I called out to him several times, but he was unresponsive. I staggered getting up and ran over to nudge him forcefully, but it had no effect on him. If we were going to get out of there, it would have to be up to me. Jake had gone into shock and wasn’t going to be of any help.

Clumsily I moved closer to the fire and turned towards the flames. I tried to balance the distance from the flames so I was close enough to weaken the plastic zip tie, but far enough so I wasn’t absolutely scorching myself. Still, every now and then the flames would kiss my bare skin as they danced around. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from screaming in anguish. I remembered Jake’s stunt with the lighter and couldn’t help but think how pathetic it felt compared to now. Who would’ve thought that I would actually be put into a situation where I would have to literally burn for him? Well here I was, and I was determined to break this zip tie. I strained again against the plastic. It still wouldn’t budge.

Suddenly Jake collapsed onto the floor. Adrenaline swept over my body and kicked it into high gear. With a grunt, I shifted backwards to place my wrists directly into the flames to speed up the process. It was weird, I expected excruciating pain as my forearms burned, but in that moment, I felt nothing. My mind was too focused on one thing – survival.

“Break, damnit!” I screamed just as the plastic finally snapped, freeing my hands.

Not wasting a single moment, I ran over to Jake and grabbed his arm to lift him off the floor. He was barely conscious so I draped his arm over my shoulder and dragged him out of there. The smoke was getting so thick, it was hard to breathe. My muscles felt sluggish and my lung burned while I struggled to support Jake’s weight. I could feel my mind starting to fade as we went through the door way. It was getting harder to stay focused, but I would not give in. This would not be our end.

I had hoped for some relief in the hallway, but the fire had spread far ahead of us now. The air quality was just as bad as it was in the bedroom. As I kept dragging Jake, my eyes searched for a quick exit out of the building. However, all I could see around me was fire. More and more fire around us. Endless fire. How did it get so bad from a few candles? The world started to spin and I stumbled onto my knees. I coughed so hard that I had to let go of Jake. Fear flooded my mind. We weren’t going to get out of this with me dragging Jake, but there was no way I was leaving him behind. This fire I started would be our undoing. If only I had ignored that email. If only I hadn’t got on that plane. If only I hadn’t searched that abandoned building. If only I had left him at the train station. If only I hadn’t so selfishly pushed for us to go to that stupid rave. If only I hadn’t sought to strike Cyan first to make a statement. If only I had trusted Jake. If only I had stopped trying to play hero when I was as weak as I am. Tears streamed down my face.

“Jake, please!” my voice strained between coughs. “Wake up!”

I shook him harshly in desperation. His head turned slightly to look at me. There was barely any life left in his eyes, which only made the sobbing worse.

“What the hell have you done!?” a voice shouted.

Ahead of us, two silhouettes stood with assault rifles trained on us at the end of the hallway. As if our situation wasn’t dire enough, they would ensure we didn’t escape, like hellhounds to our own personal hell. Meanwhile, parts of the ceiling started to fall around us. Time was running out.

“Go back and help Cyan or else!” the man ordered.

How could he expect us to help anyone in the condition we were in, even if Cyan was still alive? At this point, we couldn’t get ourselves out, nevermind helping anyone. Somehow the guns they were carrying didn’t even faze me anymore.

“Go on, shoot me,” I laughed mockingly between coughs. “What’s bullets going to do now?”

Jake suddenly shifted up onto his knees weakly. I could see he was grasping at straws to stay conscious.

“Jake? What are you doing?” I questioned.

He mumbled something in response in German. In his confused state, I wasn’t sure whether he thought he had spoken in English or whether he thought he was talking to someone else. The only word I understood was “MC”.

“Jake, don’t do it!” I yelled. “You can’t possibly dodge their bullets!”

Out of nowhere, Jake jumped on top of me, pushing me down flat on the ground. He then gave the wall beside me a heavy kick. The impact caused a chain reaction of walls and ultimately a large section of the ceiling to fall between us and the men at the end of the hall. Meanwhile Jake shielded me from falling debris. I could hear one of the men screaming in pain. I looked out, but all I could see was a burning lattice blocking our path. Just as I turned my attention back to Jake, he started fighting to get his leg out from a fallen beam. Quickly, I wiggled out from underneath him and kicked the beam away. Jake lowered his head, huffing from the lack of oxygen.

“…find MC…” Jake muttered before struggling to get up onto his feet.

I hesitated for a moment as I watched Jake shuffle through the burning debris towards the entrance. Mentally he was an absolute mess. I had no idea whether he was in the now, trapped in his memories or somewhere in between. I went after him and wrapped my arm around him so I could support him again.

“I’m right here, Jake,” I forced a smile. “I’m right here with you. You’re going to get out of this. We both are.”

Looking around, I realised the earlier collapse had cleared the way to an opening in the side of the building. Gently I urged Jake to turn and head for the exit. Although it was only a few paces away, it felt like a mile. Behind us, more of the building collapsed. I tried to push Jake to move faster, but he was so weak. I began to doubt we would make it. My muscles were at their limit and if Jake lost consciousness, I wouldn’t have the strength to get him out. Closing my eyes, I began to say silent prayers to whatever deity would listen. Then, like a miracle, we were hit by the sudden cold of nighttime air and oxygen flooded our lungs.

Immediately we both collapsed onto the ground, desperately gasping for clear air. Every single muscle in my body ached as if I had just participated in a triathlon. The sudden drop in temperature caused my body to shiver. Was it always this cold outside? I tried to take in my surroundings while my eyes adjusted to the dark, but I couldn’t make out anything that wasn’t in the immediate vicinity. I glanced over at Jake lying face down on the ground and noticed his sleeve opposite me was smouldering. He was oblivious to his predicament so I clamoured over to pull his hoodie off of him and threw it to the side before it got worse.

Not a moment later, my hair was suddenly grabbed by its roots and I was forcefully pulled away from Jake. I clawed at the hand holding me and screamed at the top of my lungs, but this did nothing.

“You’re going to pay for this, bitch!” a deep voice yelled into my ear.

The next thing I knew I was on the ground at the feet of three large men. The first man shouted to the others in German and they leant over to grab my wrists and ankles. I kicked and flailed, though it hardly made any impact on these oversized monsters. Out of nowhere the first one went down with a loud thud, which caught the other two by surprise, but they didn’t have time to react before a metal pipe slammed into the back of the second’s head. There was a resounding cracking sound of his neck breaking near the base of his spine and he went down.

The third one jumped to his feet and blocked the pipe from impacting his collar bone. Jake and the thug wrestled for control of the pipe, but ultimately Jake was the weaker of the two. He was greatly disadvantaged being he was still under the effects of severe smoke inhalation. That and he was half the size of the other guy. He lost control and took several hits from the metal pipe. The sound of the pipe hitting his torso hauntingly echoed through the night. I sat up in terror, lost at how I could help Jake. In that time the first thug came to and stood up to assist his comrade. I glanced over at the second thug, who was either dead or unconscious, and I noticed his handgun peaking out of the back of his shirt. Without hesitation I grabbed it, turned off the safety and shot a warning into the ground.

“The next one goes into your skull!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, absolutely trying my hardest to sound convincing.

In actuality, I wasn’t sure if I could hit one of the two thugs without hitting Jake. The thugs turned to look at me and while they were trying to determine whether I was a plausible threat, Jake punched the one with the pipe in the kidney and ripped the pipe out of his hands while he was reeling in pain. As he lifted the pipe to bash his head, the other thug moved to attack Jake and I panicked. I squeezed the trigger and a bullet hit him squarely in the chest. This gave Jake enough opportunity to hit him in the crook of the neck to make sure he fell to the ground and stayed down. Then Jake went absolutely ballistic on their bodies alternating between the three of them, pummelling their heads with the pipe while howling into the night.

Meanwhile I sat back on the ground in stunned silence over everything that had just happened. It wasn’t until flesh flung off the pipe onto my face that I snapped back into the present. I flinched and swatted the debris away. My eyes followed its trajectory on the ground and I realised it had been brain matter. My repulsion was short lived though as I heard sirens approaching.

“Jake! We have to get out of here!” I yelled.

Jake couldn’t hear me, or wouldn’t hear me. Absolutely unhinged now, waves of aggression and frustration flooded out of him. Somehow I had to get him to stop. We had to get out of there before the authorities arrived if we were going to have any chance of escaping. I jumped up and ran over to him, wrapping my arms around him from behind. I hugged him tight until he finally stopped and dropped the pipe. His body shook in my arms.

“Come on, let’s go home,” I whispered.

Jake nodded weakly and turned away. Together we stepped around the bodies and out the back of the property into the alleyways. As we turned the corner, flashing lights reflecting off the bricks caught my attention. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure none were in actual line of sight to us. There was shouting followed by a series of gunshots as the cops rounded up the remnants of Cyan’s crew. Miraculously as we weaved through the alleys, no one came our way. That meant we could shuffle back towards our hideout in peace, neither one of us speaking a word to each other.

[umaficwriter]

Hey guys! I updated my Kalijah playlist and below there’s a explanation for why this songs were chosen. Enjoy! Xx

Enchanted (Taylor Swift) - they feeling Katerina had when she first met Elijah

Dancing With Our Hands Tied (Taylor Swift) - the sensation creeping in that they wanted to be together, although there was something in the way, still their stolen moments made them not give up

Give Me Love (Ed Sheehan) - Elijah tries to keep Katerina interested in him instead of his brother, even though he knows the reason she’s there and that they can’t be fully together, still he wants her to fancy him, not Niklaus.

Mercy (Shawn Mendes) - Elijah já overwhelmed by her presence, he tries to deny it and escape her presence with no success.

hostage (Billie Eilish) - Katerina is bestowed to Klaus, although all she wanted was for Elijah to take her away

Run Away (Cary Brothers) - Elijah discovers Katerina flew. He can’t blame her. He fears for her safety and is broken that another attempt in love of his went wrong.

Decode (Paramore) - now Katerina understands why Klaus always had blood on him without ever being hurt, why Elijah had such an odd behavior. They’re vampires.

Find You (Nick Jonas) - Elijah starts looking at Katerina around the world. He knows he has to take her to his brother, although he also knows that once he does find her, he won’t.

Fool’s Gold (Niall Hiram) - with every day that passes, Elijah is closer to the conclusion he won’t find her unless she wants too. Still, he doesn’t let any stone interned. He’s a fool for her.

In My Veins (Andrew Belle) - they can’t escape each other. Elijah was always close to her, no matter where she went. It was like running from your shadow.

How You Remibd Me (Nickelback) - he sees her once. She’s so close, he could smell her, almost feel her skin, she’s nothing but pure sin now. Katherine Pierce was her name now. He was in love with the devil, after all.

Take Me To Church (Hozier) - she lets him approach her. He asks the Gods he believes in to save his soul when his brother finds out. She was his downfall.

Bend the Rules (Niall Hiram) - she does not stay for long. For she knows Klaus is gonna find out about them. She doesn’t want Elijah to suffer his wrath, so she flees.

Just In Love (Joe Jonas) - Elijah ia willing to sacrifice his family for her. He does not though.

Gravity (Sara Bareilles) - they gravitate to one another again, for a short time though.

Only Forever (Demi Lovato) - he’s gonna wait for her, only forever.

Tomorrow Never Came (Lana Del Rey) - she wants to run with him again. She’s doesn’t.

Cruel Summer (Taylor Swift) - they have their last summer together before the end.

august (Taylor Swift) - Katerina arrives in Mystic Falls, without knowing that Elijah kept tabs on her. Turns out, she falls in love with the Salvatore brothers, alluding them to believe she’s good for them. Maybe they weren’t meant to be.

The Last Time (Taylor Swift) - its the last time he tries and reaches for her. She does not choose him.

Stuck (Imagine Dragons) - he goes and tries to find a replacement for her. He cannot.

Meet Me In The Hallway (Harry Styles) - both try not to compare their parters to one another. They caught themselves thinking about their relationship multiple times.

exile (Taylor Swift) - Elijah receives word of her playing with the Salvatore. He feels sad for them, although jealous, because he wasn’t the one holding her attention.

Arms or a Stranger (Niall Horan) - he sees her with the brothers. He feels stupid for still Cary such feelings for this façade.

Cherry (Harry Styles) - Elijah knows is foolish this sentiment of possession he has for her, still he selfishly cultivates it.

Jealous (Nick Jonas) - why would Katerina want this humans? These projects or men, when she could have him?

Dancing With a Stranger (Sam Smith) - they blame each other for their current relationship situation.

From the Dinning Table (Harry Styles) - Elijah nurses the possibility of her coming back into his arms.

Everywhere (Niall Hiram) - he receives word of her death and shuts off every emotion towards her that was still left. Although, everywhere he goes, he sees her.

Chainsaw (Nick Jonas) - he wants to forget everything they had. He hates the places they’ve been together.

Almost (DNCE) - he contemplates what he could’ve done differently. They were an immense amount of “what if’s”

Let Me Go (3 Doors Down) - he finds out she’s alive after all. She faked her own death. Elijah is livid. He wants vengeance.

What A Time (Julia Michaels) - he comes to conclusion all they have lived was a beautiful lie. One only he believed in.

I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (ZAYN) - they almost stumble on each other. Life seems to make no sense if they’re not close.

False God (Taylor Swift) - he tried to rescue her from herself. Elena tells him his brother has Katerina. His plotting something to free her. He still loves her. Stupid.

All I Want (Kodaline) - Katherine thinks Elijah is still daggared. And when he wakes up, he thinks she’s dead.

Set Fire to The Third Bar (Snow Patrol) - they start to look for each other again, in spite the terrible odds for them to stay together this time again.

My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion) - they still have issues they need to attend to before being together.

Treacherous (Taylor Swift) - the familiarity is still there, but they need to be careful regarding their hearts.

Don’t Forget (Demi Lovato) - there’s a cure and they almost spilt up again regarding it.

Call It What You Want (Taylor Swift) - everyone knows they’re together now. Call if whatever. Katherine and Elijah are a thing!

You And Me (Niall Horan) - they take a time away to contemplate their relationship.

Delicate (Taylor Swift) - Elena informs him that Katherine killed Jeremy. Her reputation have never been worse, still he stands with her, in spite of his brain telling him not to.

Hands to Myself (Selena Gomez) - Katherine plans to show Elijah why he’s the luckiest man to have her all to himself.

Wildest Dreams (Taylor Swift) - they have a getaway. She can’t believe she’s with him again.

I Know Places (Taylor Swift) - they have to hide in order to be together.

Getaway Car (Taylor Swift) - they have to part ways again. Or at least, pretend.

I Think He Knows (Taylor Swift) - Katherine assumes Elijah knows everything that runs in that pretty little head or hers. And when he doesn’t, he’ll discover in the most delicious way possible.

I Love You (Little Mix) - she tells him.

Afterglow (Taylor Swift) - she can’t handle him going back to his brother again. But she can’t see him down either.

This Love (Taylor Swift) - once again they decide it’s better ifcthwy part ways. He kisses her forehead and she watches him leave.

Holding Us Back (Katie Herzig) - maybe they weren’t meant to be after all. There was always something holding them back. Maybe she just liked the song of “I love you” when said to him.

Battlefield (Lea Michele) - they keep hurting each other even though they love each other. It’s like q war they’ll never win.

this is me trying (Taylor Swift) - Katherine is human. And even though she knows going to NOLA is walking into the Lion’s den, she has to look Elijah in the eye and ask him for them to try again.

Why (Shawn Mendes) - she’s his disease.

Love Me Or Leave Me (Little Mix) - he tells her it’s complicated and that he can’t, not right now.

Stay (Gabrielle Aplin) - so she’s going away.

Who Knew (P!nk) - she was such a full for believing he would help her now she was human. Living him was her greatest mistake.

I Have Questiona (Camila Cabello) - although, she would not leave without a conversation. He would listen to what she had to say.

All too Well (Taylor Swift) - she felt like a crumpled piece of paper. Seemed like she wasn’t important enough. Stupid human emotions.

Between the Lines (Sara Bareilles) - Katherine saw the way Hayley looked at him. We’re they an item? Oh foolish Katerina, it appears like ‘Lijah is over you, came Klaus grin as he inserted the needle in her vein.

Don’t Make me Choose (Nick Jonas) - he just wanted Katerina to understand that although she was priority in his life, family was always and forever.

Dress (Taylor Swift) - they have no idea about them. Nor Klaus, nor Marcel or Hayley, not even the witches. She would die to keep them in secret. He would too.

Slow Dancing in a Burnibg Room (John Mayer) - and when they do find out, they take bets on how long’s gonna last.

Don’t Blame Me (Taylor Swift) - even though human, she kills for him, for his family. She’s one of them now.

Cross Your Mind (Niall Horan) - she wants him to turn her. He won’t budge his strong opinion against it.

See no More (Joe Jonas) - Elijah should’ve known Katherine Pierce would strike again.

Rare (Selena Gomez) - she thought she meant more for him than that.

Oceans (Seafret) - they’re distant.

Too Good At Goodbyes (Sam Smith) - “we say goodbye so many times around, Katerina, that it doesn’t surprise me anymore, nor hurt me that much.I’m numb.” The look on her face is uterly hurt.

the 1 (Taylor Swift) - she leaves him.

Say Somwthing (A Great Big World) - otavthwir ultimatum.

Samson (Regina Spektor) - she was his weakness. She explored her knowledge of him in all the ways she knew of. She’d hurt him. He has her as well.

hoax (Taylor Swift) - their love was their hoax. No other sadness in the world would do.

Poison & Wine (The Civil Wars) - “I don’t love you, but I always will”

Young and Beautiful (Lana Del Rey) - she confronts him on why he doesn’t want to turn her. “Will you still love me, when I’m not young and beautiful anymore, Elijah?”

Goodbye (Avril Lavigne) - she dies in his arms. Without knowing if she’ll come back as a vampire.

Make It Without You (Andrew Belle) - Elijah does not think she’ll come back anymore. So he asks for the witches help.

The Night We Met (Lord Huron) - things were so much esier back when they first met. Because now he had none of her.

Never Let me Go (Florence & The Machine) - Katerina wakes up as a vampire again after days. Elijah promises he will never let her go.

Be my Queen (Seafret) - Klaus can be king all he wants. The Queen of Elijah’s kingdom was Katerina Petrova.

Forever And a Night (Little Big Town) - they wanted to be together forever and always. Armors down.

Daylight (Taylor Swift) - “And I can still see it all in my mind, all of you, all of me intertwined”

Fine Line (Harry Styles) - they were going to be alright.

For Katherine and Elijah

With love: umaficwriter

[womenhoodlooniness]

Mean Girls: Private School Edition

During the infamous quarantined lockdown of March 2020, not only did my procrastination habits worsened due to me having to lose all sense of time but it made me reflect amidst all the silence.

This might sound selfishly cliche but if it was not for the whole world shut down, I would have not been able to come to terms relating to my self-worth.

Let's time travel back to my high school days: 2015-2019.

Yes, I'm getting old.

So I went to an all-girls, private high school in Burbank, IL. At first, I thought I was going to hate it. All of my other friends were going to public schools within the Chicagoland area and here I am, the only person going to a school that nobody has ever even heard of.

As if looking like the most big-headed whitest chick at my school didn't make me feel like an outcast enough.

To be blunt, it did make me feel uncool. But I understood my parents wanted me to have a good education that was not at a sleazy neighborhood school.

Even if it did mean taking my voice out of it completely.

Long story short, I ended up liking the school. It felt like a crackhouse made for girls. Meaning, it really was a place for us girls to wind down, get comfortable, and not having to worry about any boys. It was a place of femme empowerment but also endearing chaos.

However, there is always a price to everything beloved.

Last year, when the peaks of quarantined lockdown were at an all-time high, I allowed myself to do a lot of retrospect thinking.

A lot of this thinking was rooted in how my experiences at the private high school were actually fueled by naiveness and all things non-endearing. This retrospect made me question a current friendship I was undergoing at the time in quarantine, questioning if it was really meant to be.

I was friends with two girls at the time. Let's call them X and Z. Mostly because it sounds cool.

I was friends with X for the longest. We remained friends even after the private high school shut down and had to part ways during our sophomore-junior year. I thought she was cool. We had similar music tastes, taught me things I did not know and just overall looked at her as a big sister. Mind you, I was too naive to even think of the other side of our friendship.

Z was a mutual friend that was also close friends with X. I found her cool as she did with me, but she and X were more considered as each other's best friend than all of three of us combined.

But there's a twist to it all: Z actually used to be my bully in freshman year of high school. To put it short, she bullied me because she thought I was "weird" even though I never even tried to talk to her. She would always have a way to tease and make fun of me.

At first, I would try and laugh along but after a while, it started to feel forced because it would barely hit me at times that she could not stand me. Like all bullies, she had the tendency to feel above me since apparently I was seen as a target: The weird, quiet girl.

Who would have thought?

On top of that, X would actually laugh at the "jokes" Z would use against me! Yeah, the same girl I was friends with the longest...go ahead, call me stupid now.

I even brought it up to X at a later time and her response?

"That was just my humor at the time."

Ah yes, creepily looking at my old Facebook profile pictures and laughing at them is DEFINITELY the humor to have. Even after that sketchy comment I still was friends with her for about another year or so. I would rant about her behavior more but I'll just save that for another post...

Anyways, sometimes it would feel weird to even be offended by Z's "jokes" because not only I had one but two mean girls entrapping me. I feel like I had no other choice BUT to feel okay with it. There would be times where confrontation was needed, but the attention was very intimidating to me.

The private school was such a small school so anything that goes would flow smoothly from one period to the next. The drama did spread like wildfire at that forsaken palace of gossip.

Overall with there not being a confronting witness, it really felt hard to get the motivation to stand up for myself. If anything, it helped fasten the depreciation of my self-worth. All because there was nobody to give me a smack of reality to tell me that I should not let that slide.

Also because of the naiveness that came with not realizing the meanness of those comments and the reason why they hurt.

It's even frustrating to also think back about how it would have been best for myself to be the doormat I was, no matter how weird and uncomfortable it got. I say this because Z was SO liked back in that high school. Every girl thought she was funny and cool; she was definitely on the popular scale.

So if I had brought the issue up to the school, then perhaps most definitely they would have looked into it as it did intrigue some feelings of "unsafeness" in me. Now that I think about it, I mean this with seriousness.

I say this because one time, Z called me a bitch because I would not let her copy my homework for the 5th time. And that's just one of many examples.

But as for the students? That would of most likely been the messiest. Especially since Z literally had the popular benefit of being listened to and influencing others.

From that, I should ask, who would have the most sympathy:

the preyed underdog or the praised show dog?

Fast forward to March 2020 where I was questioning the genuinity of everything to the point where I felt like it was best to not associate myself with those two girls again. For the sake of saving myself some pressure and self-depreciation.

I must admit, I mostly wanted to back up because of X's current behavior at the time instead. So this post is most likely going to be considered as a first-half as it does display a "blast from the past" theme. While the second post would be presenting more so recent events. Nevertheless, both posts are still relevantly intertwined as they are important in strengthening my points.

Also, I can not keep typing forever.

Overall, I wanted to bring some of my traumatic past up because not only it presents an aspect of internalized misogyny (again) but also portrays something bigger.

You see, I started to feel at ease at the private school because I felt like I had all the supportive relations I could have with my femme peers. In retrospect, that was lacking to a very large degree.

I did not realize it until I was in college as I gained more maturity and knowledge when dealing with other (girl) friends that were so much different than the ones I numbed myself to.

I had been exposed to a kind of respect that I never thought I would have experienced. It felt so fucking surreal. And because of that, it leads me to compare for the better and for the worse.

It helped paved the way for me to grow.

But the fact I even thought that I would have not had the same respect as Z, no matter how much I cried out of injustice, is what concerns me. How could I think that private school was so beloved with femme love when there was a huge possibility of numerous girls going against me, all because I was not on the popular spectrum?

Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe there is an alternative timeline out there involving myself getting justice served and respect granted. Despite the judgment that is forced upon me.

But this is why concepts such as internalized misogyny and girl-girl bullying need to be brought up more. All because it can plague ourselves in which can rapidly plague entire environments within spaces that are meant to bring support from one girl to another.

Also, yes, we can forgive them because most likely these bullies are going through something too in which can cause them to act aggressively to us - based off of jealousy or attention, whatever can be interpreted the best.

I actually forgive Z because I had learned that she was going through a rough time during freshman year which at times does make me speculate if her actions were based on jealousy..but let's not be bitchy narcs here.

Even with that, it still does not allow for me to succumb to being seen as some fucking fool to her. It does not favor her to make me feel like a doormat. And it definitely should not be permitted for me to feel like shit because I had no choice but to do so.

Where is the self-worth in all this? Because I need it just as much as she does.

We need to prevent further harm so we won't hurt others and most importantly, ourselves.

[martenvankammen]

A different way of life

Rarely I awaken without finding myself drenched in a cold sweat. Remnants of the past returning to haunt me, following my days within the Imperial Guard. Such horrific memories of war and bloodshed ingrained within my mind that it seems impossible to escape them. I would wager even the most stoic individual would be left with a foul taste upon their tongue at the mere thought of such dreadful sights.

Nothing seems to allow refuge from these dreams with each night a different memory taking hold of my psyche and tormenting me throughout the night. They are so lifelike, that I barely consider them dreams anymore but instead punishment for all I have inflicted upon others. That it simply had become my turn to suffer.

 Yet despite being plagued by memories of my former duties, I am now anything but a soldier. Though I remember little of how that part of my life had ended. All I do know is that it was abrupt and brutal. Beyond that it’s all a blur no matter how hard I try to recall.

Now I have a different vocation to fill my days. Instead of cleansing distant worlds of the Imperium’s foes I now do a cleansing of a different sort. Cleaning floors and workshops within my new place of employ. If you could call it employment at least.

Regardless of the lacklustre nature of this work I am thankful for it. I have learned very early on that within this place there are far worse fates one could be subjected to. One could even say I’m thankful for the position.

 My beloved wife on the other hand had been granted a more prestigious role among the workers. A position at our employers’ side as an assistant of sorts.

Because of this I am often granted the pleasure of seeing her on the odd occasion. Whenever our employer visits one of the workshops.

That brief sight of her always refills my heart with the strength to continue onward with my work. Although I’m sure anyone would feel renewed if they saw my wife’s beautiful smile.

Honestly, I’m not sure how else I would continue. While I’ve grown accustomed to the hours to some degree, we are always short staffed and the burden of shouldering that will always fall to those that remain. Seeing that wonderful smile however allows me to persevere despite it.

But, I suppose its to be expected to have a constant shortage of workers around here. The level of skill expected of the workers here is rather outrageous with little to no reward in return.

Then again what choice do they have? What choice do I have?

Thus, I simply work the days away with a continuous zeal that was expected from me during my days within the Imperial Guard. All in order to make sure I can witness that smile another day.

 Yet today there was no smile to soothe me, as my wife was absent at our employer’s side.

I had considered asking where she was out of curiosity but thankfully stopped myself from doing so.

Anyone that works here quickly learns that it’s better not to bother the higher ups with mundane questions and it would be dreadful to get my beloved into trouble because of a little curiosity.

While I worked my way through the halls however something had caught my eye. Something that wasn’t there before on a particular wall. It was shocking to say the least and I had found my answer to my wife’s absence.

There she was, framed for all eternity with the very smile that was so endearing to me. It would seem the mistress of this place had chosen her to added to this wall filled with the faces of employees.

Before I knew it tears flowed freely across my cheeks. I was overwhelmed with emotion, wondering if I’d ever be added to it myself.

Unfortunately, I could not linger any longer. Idle hands are frowned upon by my employer and it did not take long for someone to call upon me to clean a mess. A particular mess in a workshop I wished they had left for someone else to clean.

 Another day had passed without witnessing my beloved’s smile.

When my employer wandered passed me in the hall, I couldn’t help but expect my wife in tow yet no one followed. It surprised me how much the lack of her presence affected me. To the point where I had caught myself staring blankly into nothingness during my duties. A nasty habit I could ill afford.

Anxiety was taking hold of me merely thinking about the entire situation. Fearing that it would ultimately cost me my position here.

So, in a bid to alleviate the fears that weighted my heart I found myself back at the wall my wife’s visage was placed. Just to get a glimpse of her.

I couldn’t help but ponder on how strange it may have looked to the other workers in passing. But in the end, I cared little anymore. It was the only way to cull the pressure which had taken hold of me. And soon I found myself at that wall every day, looking at the smile of my beloved.

Yet it held nothing compared to the genuine thing. This framed smile felt hollow despite its perfection.

Still, I felt drawn to it. The hollow smile was enough to sustain my resolve and soothed the weight which had been brought on by my wife’s absence.

 Soon days had turned to weeks and without even realizing a month had passed with my wife absent eventually turning my quirky routine into a dependence I could no longer bear without. Today was no different of course. I had slinked away from my duties to meet with my beloved’s eternal smile.

“She is such a lovely addition is she not?” A whisper in my ear from someone I had not noticed until the very first tone reverberated into my ear. My heart skipped a beat and my body felt frozen in time.

That sultry voice was familiar to me. It was a voice I had heard countless times before but never had it struck so much fear into my very being. There was no need see who had uttered those words to me in such a manner because it could only be one individual.

She was the one who had placed my wife’s face upon that wall. But despite her words. Her focus was not on me in the slightest. instead, she was enamoured with her own creation.

“So many wonderful emotions captured for all eternity. Each emotion a perfect representation of what they stand for. Allowing anyone to savour them whenever they wish. Do you agree?” I found myself nodding without even realizing, my body no longer my own. Fear had overtaken it and forced me into submission. Her voice devoid of any malice or threats had already reduced me into such a state. No, her mere presence already accomplished that on its own.

“This is the one you covet so dearly is it not? Tell me, have I captured her smile perfectly?” My stomach churned when she asked that question, knowing she did not care in the slightest for my answer. Her cruel smile left no doubt regarding that facade.

Never had I witnessed such a venomous expression during all my years. My instincts shouted at me over and over, telling me that this Drukhari woman beside me was simply a predator waiting for the signal to devour me. Yet I knew staying silent would grant me a fate far worse.

 “Yes, my mistress. There is nothing quite as beautiful as her smile.” I hadn’t cried since that first time I saw my beloved’s face among the others on that wall. But to confirm the atrocity this wretched woman had inflicted upon her as beautiful, tore my very soul apart.

But I had spoken the truth on the matter. Nothing could compare to the beauty that was my wife and it pained me knowing her very soul was bound in that wall for all eternity. Forcing to smile in the same way she comforted me in this hellish place. This monster had twisted it and perverted that smile and all I could do was to selfishly use it to keep myself sane.

My self-loathing however was interrupted by another question from this serpent disguised as a Drukhari woman.

“Do you hate me for what I did to her Mon’keigh? Despise me for it? Or do you find my work as tantalizing as I do?” Despise? Hate? Those words felt lacking to what I felt for this monster who had done unspeakable things to my beloved. And here she was taunting me about it, expecting something from me. Yet then I came to a realization. Why haven’t I struck her? Killed her? I should be at this woman’s throat yet here I am frozen in fear.

In the corner of my eye however, I found my answer. This monster was gleefully enjoying every moment of my turmoil. As if she was feeding of the suffering that enveloped me in this very moment.

Why can I not attack her? All I want right now is to rip her throat out and take vengeance for the love of my life yet any desire to do so is snuffed out each time!

“You still have not realized have you Mon’keigh?” My eyes widened at the realization of it all. She knew exactly what thoughts were gripping me so tightly beyond her mere presence.

“Why can’t I harm you?” Not the words my mind had conjured yet it was all that could escape my lips

“Because I took it away from you, just like I took this smiling creature before us away from you.” How could I be so foolish to think this nightmarish place couldn’t take anything they wanted. The fool I was.

She had castrated my ability to exact any aggression upon her. Leaving it to fester within my mind for as long as possible. But why? I can’t fathom why one would do such a thing just for the sake of it.

It was a question only she held the answer too.

All I knew she was savouring every moment of it. No, that was an understatement.

The suffering I had endured was a pleasure to be savoured in her eyes.

 Sorrow, anger, confusion and fear mixed into a delicate cocktail for her own consumption. It was in this moment that I knew why she was called an artisan among her people.

When I finally snapped back to reality she was gone and I hadn’t even realized. It felt like hours had gone by leaving me there in a daze once that monster had been sated by my grief.

My beloved was still there eternally smiling upon me even in this pathetic state even though deep down I knew she would be disappointed in me.

No, that would be an insult to her very being. She would have understood and comforted me.

I miss her…

My heart can take only so much yet I fear I cannot even take my own life anymore. Is it even my own life anymore?

I should return to my duties for now. There are far worse fates in store for those who do not work.

[trash-bin-throwaway]

•Ghirahim has a Chat™️ with Impa•

(Shortly after setting up base camp in the desert to plan their attack on Gdorf at the castle)

Impa: You there. Come with me, I want to speak with you.

Ghirahim: Ah, yes, of course. I was wondering when one of you was finally going to come and see me.

Impa (while walking): So you knew I planned to have a word with you?

Ghira: Of course I did. I couldn’t predict wether I’d be confronted by you or the Goddess Sword, but I’m not some half-witted, guileless, flower-brained fool to think we’d be accepted wholeheartedly by everyone here, least of all you two, because I know exactly what you think of me. And I know you’re ever so leery of how I deduced this, and so I’ll be completely, utterly, and perhaps even excessively honest with you. I thought the same things of myself at first. “However could you bring yourself to do this? You would turn against the very master you were created to serve, protect and kill for? Is there no limit to the trust you will betray, the things you will turn your back on? If you will betray your master, your very life’s purpose... who can you ever be loyal to?” ...Does that sound like an apt summary of your concerns?

Impa: Hm... Quite apt. Forgive me for my suspicion, but I can’t help but be wary of you, if not for my own sake, then for Princess Zelda’s. I simply cannot have you here if you pose a threat to her, despite her wish to give you a chance. As of right now I simply can’t see how you’d have a strong enough motive to join us now of all times, when you seemed to be on the side with the advantage...

Ghirahim: Pah, no I wasn’t. The hero still lives and breathes, and he still holds blade of the Goddess. If we can glean anything from all these people from all these different eras meeting here and now, it’s that no matter how soul-crushingly and horrifically grim the hero’s chances seem to be... the Demon King will fail. It’s always been that way, and I’m rather confident it always will be.

Impa: You fail to comfort me. How is that supposed to convince me you don’t plan to win Link’s trust in order to stab him in the back, or kill him as he sleeps?

Ghirahim: Well, that specific point wasn’t exactly meant for comfort or convincing. I was simply pointing out a trend. One I of all people should know about, as... unfortunately... the first victim of said trend...

Impa: What do you mean?

Ghirahim: We all know that the first incarnation of the hero was he who fought the first Demon King. The Demon King who cursed them both to be reincarnated over and over and over again in an endless war? Am I mistaken?

Impa: No, that’s right. The hero who forged the master sword, using it to save the first reincarnation of the Goddess Hylia from Demise. Your master.

Ghirahim: Exactly. Dying in that conflict once was for more than enough for me... *brings his hand up to his chest, where the gem would be* Heh... nothing that lives should know what that feels like... but I, of course, am positively extraordinary.

Impa: I’m sorry, am I understanding you correctly? Are you trying to tell me that you remember everything that happened in that time?

Ghirahim: I am, and I do. Ganondorf is powerful, but he lacks the patience to rip his old servants from a random point in time as opposed to reviving them. This proved to be a horrible, and if I may be so optimistic, perhaps even fatal mistake on his part, as he seems to not know what he did to us then... and as such has no reason to believe we could tell he planned to do it over once again.

Impa: What he did to you? I’m unfamiliar with that side of the events... by all means, do tell.

Ghira: I wish I didn’t remember it as clearly as I do. But some things are just too... immense... to truly and completely rid yourself of... After centuries wandering the surface world aimlessly, with no purpose, no drive, and no way to bring back my master in sight, I finally found that girl, the first vessel of the Goddess’ soul. I painstakingly chased her around the entire wretched world, that absolute, infuriating nuisance of a boy at my heels and that ancient roadblock of a woman in my way at every step... ah. I suppose I should add that I mean no offence to you here and now... (Impa looks confused) ...Oh, whatever. I’ll explain it all later if I must, but for now I must finish telling you my tale... I worked day and night to complete my goals, to take the chance I’d been given and finally bring back my master, and I did it! As far as I was concerned, I had won. Demise had returned, and all that was between us and our conquest was a child with a sacred, glowing toy. Overjoyed, euphoric, and a heart full of rainbows hardly even begins to describe how I felt, as the victory that had long evaded us was finally within reach. My master was back. I finally had my true purpose returned to me. Now surely things could only get better from there, right? Well, unfortunately for me, it seems my fantasies were so, so far too grandiose, because what happened next was as far from better as anything could ever possibly be. He had not even stood in his true form for a single, measly minute before he turned to me, and with hardly a moment’s hesitation and an utter, desolate silence, struck me down, ripped the blade from my core and... shattered me... to absorb my power into his sword. He said nothing to me! Not a sound as he ended the life of his most loyal servant! He... he didn’t even thank me for freeing him from eons of imprisonment and giving him the ability to return to his true form! Nothing! Nothing at all! Not even the tiniest twinge of remorse or the slightest hint of regret in his face, and you simply must trust me when I tell you that if there was any such thing there in those empty pits I’d have been the one to see it. And I- I... I laughed in my final moments. I laughed because I had absolutely no precious idea what was going on. ‘Surely he wouldn’t harm me after all I’ve done for him! I trust my master to know what he’s doing. This must just be means to an end, and soon enough we will destroy these humans together and build a new world’, I told myself as the pain only grew worse. Then suddenly... nothing. There was nothing. Absolutely, utterly... nothing. And the next thing I really knew for complete certainty was when this era’s reincarnation resurrected me in the desert. So needless to say... I had a lot to think about. Perhaps that will clear some things up...

Impa: I... had no idea. It’s a shock to me that even you, his most devoted follower, would be counted among his victims... Near unbelievable...

Ghira: Well, it’s certainly nice we agree on something.

Impa: But there are things I’m still confused about. You were given another chance in being revived like that; why did you throw that chance away to join us? And where does Zant fit into all of this?

Ghira: Ah, I suppose I only told you my life’s story and not his... well, honestly a lot of it I don’t consider to be my story to tell, but I’ll disclose that the end of his story is rather similar to mine. The Demon King had the power to keep him alive but selfishly refused to. As for where he fits here, we’re two sides of the same coin. A coin Ganondorf tried to absentmindedly toss into a dark fountain for good luck, as he wished for a distraction to hold his enemies away from him long enough for him to become unstoppable and completely dominate the world. But in his absentmindedness, he failed to realize that the coin’s two heads had minds of their own... that the coin’s heads had believed they held value to him...! And that they would not simply fall into the endless, crushing shadows together without a word! Without him... they simply had each other to remain for! And... and... (sigh) honestly? In that fateful moment when we realized he planned to discard us once more, we only had each other to live for. And truly... we were okay with that. That feeling of being wanted? Being enough for someone... it was nice. I was unaccustomed to someone truly valuing me as an individual as opposed to a tool, and yet... he truly cares for me and I can hardly describe how happy that makes me. Not enough words exist, I’d be rambling for eternity. I may be quite... expressive... especially compared to my sacred counterpart, but for a Sword Spirit to truly feel something unrelated to their purpose is not an easy feat. Yet somehow, he does it easily. Hehe... perhaps serving Demise was not my true purpose after all? Ha ha ha! Well... I... I mustn’t get ahead of myself.

Impa: I... I feel as though I’m beginning to understand. Yet at the same time I feel like I’m even more lost. You are a strange being, Ghirahim. And I’m still not convinced that you aren’t attempting to lie about your turning against Ganondorf. Perhaps that is partly my own shortcoming, as I’ve devoted nearly every moment of my life to Her Highness, but-

Ghirahim: Argh, fine! I didn’t want to have to put this image in your head because I did not want the thought of it to disturb you, to haunt you as it does me, but you leave me no choice, as it seems you can’t see past your own nose or your pure and lovely little Goddess of a liege! Envision this for me, Impa, if you will. (Impa reluctantly nods and closes her eyes) Your dear Zelda is captured, and magically imprisoned in the midst of a desolate land that you are forced to wander alone with seemingly no way to free her. It takes nearly a lifetime of searching every horrid, purposeless, bleak, empty day, but you see an opportunity finally arise! You chase whatever lead you could find and you pay little mind to any that would stand in your way in favour of fervently chasing after the opportunity to finally have a purpose again, to finally bring back the one that made your life matter...! And it takes long, hard effort, but you succeed in the very face of your biggest foe. Your precious Zelda is returned to you in all her glory, looking just as immaculately untouched as the day you lost her. You are revelling in the joy, the triumph! The knowledge that with her beside you now, your battle is as good as won! She turns to you... and without a word, she snatches your sword away from you and stabs you in the chest with it, with not even a second’s hesitation. You see her staring at you unflinchingly as you die painfully. Then the next thing you see is her next incarnation, looking oh-so-similar... ready to have you serve her again as if nothing at all had ever happened. And eventually, you can see the same look in this new Zelda’s eyes as you did in the first as she killed you... and you know this is your last chance to save yourself.

Impa: (opens her eyes, disturbed) I... I see. I... understand now. Wether or not I trust the two of you entirely yet, that is something I still have yet to decide. But I can see now that you have more than enough reason to defect. Very well. Prove you’re no threat to us as you assist us in casting Ganondorf back to the abyss he emerged from.

Ghirahim: I will do so with extravagant pleasure. That I swear to you on my very soul.

Impa: See to it that this is a promise you do not break. (She turns to leave)

Ghirahim: Simply make sure I don’t have any overtly horrid, glaring reason to. That’s all it will take.

(Impa turns back just long enough to nod)

[wxyvision]

Dear First Love {4/4}

Genre: angst, fluff

Word count: 4,275

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Dear first love,

Things have been very lonely recently, to tell you the truth. I spoke to Mark briefly and he told me he needs some time to get his thoughts together but he promised he wouldn't let this ruin our friendship. I hope that's true. I miss him so much but I'll give him as much time as he needs. I miss you, too. Lately I've been keeping to myself because I can't face you just yet. Not yet. When did everything get so complicated? I wish things were the way they were before all of this. "Happy" New Year's my ass. This year is already much worse than the last, and we're only in February right now. I wonder how you've been, though. I keep seeing the boys and wanting to ask but I don't want to risk making my feelings known. Not even to them. I don't even know why I'm so upset, it's not like you're mine, is it? I'm not mad because you can kiss whoever you want, I just… I selfishly wish it was me instead. I wish for so many things but that won't change anything, will it? Well, surprisingly I received a Valentine's Day card this year. I can't remember the last time that happened. I wondered if it was Mark at first but I'm not sure he would send one considering what happened at the party… A part of me wishes that it was you, but I doubt that it was. You're far too good for me, chicken wing. This is all so confusing. Who sent it? Why? I just miss you, I miss Mark, I miss the boys. Should I just pretend that the party never happened? I could try, if it meant that I could spend time with you again. Perhaps all of these assignments will keep me busy from thinking of you too much. Who am I kidding? I don't think anything could keep me from thinking of you. That's just how precious you are to me, first love.

Little dumpling

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Dear first love,

I think you’d like to know that I spoke briefly to Mark a couple of weeks ago. Things are still awkward between us but at least things are better than they were a couple of months ago. I’m sure it’s just a small crush, it’s nothing major, right? I really hope so. I also haven’t seen you much recently, and even when I have seen you, we haven’t really spoken. Perhaps you're bored of me or annoyed by now and that’s why you haven’t greeted me lately. Or perhaps you know about how I feel, and this is your way of rejecting me. But you didn’t see me react to your kiss, right? At least I don’t think you did. Sometimes I think that you’re fed up of me by now, but that might be the fever talking... You may have heard from Guanheng that I’ve been sick a lot recently. That’s made everything worse, I think. Lying in bed all day, no distraction from thinking about the situation between you and I. Well, that makes it sound like there is anything between us.. which would never happen, would it? I think I’ve started to accept that now. Anyway, that’s enough of me rambling on about myself. How have you been doing lately? I heard that you also got sick. Are you alright now? I hope you ate well and slept a lot! I’m sure you probably heard all of that from papa Kun, though. Of course, I can’t hear or read your answer because you’re not reading this, but these are just some of the things I want to say to you. I wish things weren’t so complicated recently :(

Little dumpling

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Dear first love,

We'll be graduating in a few weeks. Isn't it scary to think that we're about to leave this place behind? All of the friends that we've made, the routine that we've gotten used to over the years. I don't want to leave it behind. These past few years have been the best few years of my life. I hate to sound so sentimental but you and the boys have really changed my life. Before, I only had a few friends who I wasn't even that close to. I never really want to parties, and I didn't really want to. I was happy being at the back of the room. But then you guys walked in to my life and I felt like I had another family. I know things haven't always been easy between all of us. There have been little arguments amongst.. other dilemmas, but we've always stuck together. You don't find many friends like that outside of here. I really wish we can all just stay together but I know that some of us, including you, will be going back home. I might never see your face again, my first love. But maybe things will be okay without you. Of course, I'll always wish that we weren't separated, but life always goes on, doesn't it? I'll miss you so much. You'll never realise how precious you are to me, as a friend and as my crush. I hope that someone as kind and sweet as you will find happiness wherever you go. I hope good fortune follows you back to China and continues to follow your every footstep. I really want you to know all of these things, even if I can't find the strength to say even half of them to you in person. I want you to have all of these memories of our time together, even if they mean little to you now. If we meet again, I know I wouldn't be able to look at you because you would know how I feel for you, but I would be happy to see you living well. Because I wish for you to be able to read all of these letters, I have decided that I will give them to you. If you're reading these now, then that means you found the package I left for you, and that also means you cared enough to read until the end. Please live happily and without regrets and always be happy <3

Little dumpling

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

3 years later...

Beep beep!

My eyes flickered over to my phone, who buzzed beside me, alerting me of a new message. I groaned, realising that it was probably my boss asking me to do extra shifts again. As if I didn't work enough already. I sighed and picked up my phone to see what the text said, only to be proven wrong. Mark. Well that's a name I haven't heard in a while. My mind took me back to the good old times, like helping him study for a test by buying him coffee and waking him up when he starting dozing off every two minutes. He passed. And the time he forgot to buy his mum a present and panic called me asking me to come with him to pick one out because he didn't want to go alone. We were always close. And I thought that we always would be. Smiling sadly to myself, I read the text aloud in a whisper.

From: Mork 😎

Hey. I know we haven't spoken in a while. I'm really sorry about that. You know I still care; I always did and always will. I miss you, sidekick, I miss you so much. I hate myself for throwing away our friendship over a silly little crush, I was an idiot. I'll understand if you don't want to talk, especially as I haven't said a word to you in three years and now I'm basically writing you an essay saying sorry for being the dumbest boy on the face of the planet. Will you forgive me? And will you also forgive me for asking if you wanna come to the new year's reunion party? The boys will be there… xx

A smile found its way onto my face whilst reading his text. So he did care, after all. I should have been mad at him. Mad at him for ignoring me for three years. Mad at him for pretending I didn't exist whenever we bumped into each other. But I wasn't. I couldn't be, not when it came to Mark. And the promise of seeing the other boys only fuelled my excitement. I was finally ready to see them after living the past three years of my life in a brand-new city with a brand-new job and brand-new friends. No friend group could ever compare to the boys, and I think I always knew that they would never, even before I graduated. I wiped away a tear I didn't realise had slipped out and typed a short, but meaningful and poetic response.

To: Mork 😎

I missed you too, nerd.

I grinned to myself. Everything he needed to know was in that text. Yes, I forgave him. Yes, I missed him too. No, I wasn't mad at him. Yes, I would come to the party. Yes, he was a class a idiot.

And the gang was coming back together.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I stood in the middle of the room with a glass of juice in my hand, chewing my lip. I was so nervous and excited to see everyone again. I wondered how much they had changed since I last saw them. Would they even recognise me? Would I even recognise them? These worries washed away the moment I heard my name be called. I looked up and was unable to hold back a grin. “Guanheng! Mark! Oldie!” I cheered. Kun groaned and rolled his eyes, but I could see a smile tugging on his lips as he pulled me in for a hug. This was home, these people had always felt like a second family to me. It felt just like old times, except everyone was slightly older and (mostly) wiser. I suddenly frowned, turning to Guanheng. “Wait.. you guys came back? Just for this?” He and Kun nodded, telling me about their plans to potentially move here for good. Not only so that they would be closer to us, but also because they both had work lined up here for them, and the work was apparently pretty decent. I suddenly felt excitement rush through me at the thought of regularly hanging out with them just like before.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. “A certain someone also came back.” I heard a familiar voice add. I instantly recognised the voice as Johnny's. I spun around to hug him tightly, too. I had missed that tall idiot. I tried to figure out in my head who he was referring to, when I laid eyes on him.

He was here. Now I suddenly felt nervous. Why was I nervous? I had moved on with my life and now all of our moments were just fond memories. But I couldn’t ignore the way the sight of him made my heart race, just as it did the day we met. I suddenly felt incredibly aware of the ugly sweater I was wearing, which I had bought as a joke. I knew that the boys would appreciate it, but now it just made me feel stupid in front of the man that had captured my heart. But I didn’t have those feelings for him anymore, right? "Sicheng?" My mouth hung open and I was frozen to the spot. I wasn't expecting him to be here, especially since the last I'd heard of him, he had moved back to China and was staying there. He grinned at me and suddenly I was very confused. "I missed you, my little dumpling." He said softly. My cheeks heated up, realising that he had read my letters and now he knew exactly how I felt about him. How I still feel about him. Now I realised that despite my head telling me that I was over him, I would never be. The way I felt towards him would never fade, and perhaps I didn't want it to. "I- you- I thought you- China?" I breathed out, making him chuckle.

"I stayed there for a while, but there was just something missing, and I wasn't quite sure what it was. That's the reason I came back here. And now, well I just found out what was missing, so I guess I'm staying here for good." Sicheng moved towards me and wrapped me in his arms. I let my eyes flutter shut as I enjoyed the feeling I always longed for. "I enjoyed your letters, by the way dumpling. I wasn't surprised, though." I pulled back, blinking rapidly.

"You.. you knew that I liked you? All along?" I suddenly felt stupidly self-conscious.

He shrugged, smiling at the ground and then looking back up at me. "I had a hunch, but I wasn't completely sure if I was right." I stared at him, dumbfounded. I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that confession, so I let the silence fall over us. Eventually, he broke the silence.

"Instead of writing letters back, I decided that if and when we met again, I would say this all in person in case I don't get another chance. So here it goes." He took a deep breath before looking into my eyes. "When we first met, you tried speaking Chinese to me. I was excited because apart from the other Chinese students, I couldn't really speak to anyone much because my Korean wasn't as good then. I thought you were absolutely adorable because your eyebrows were all like this," He scrunched his face up, imitating me. "And it seemed like you were trying really hard. I could tell that you were a kind-hearted person just from that one small action." Sicheng smiled fondly, letting his eyes fall shut for a few moments before continuing. "Our kiss... I won’t lie, it was strange for me. I hadn't even thought of you in that way before. Until then I had only thought of you as a cute friend who I wanted to look out for. Admittedly it felt a bit awkward for me, but I didn't want to pull away for some reason." His cheeks turned a light pink and he scratched the back of his neck, avoiding my gaze. His tongue darted out to wet his lips. He turned his head away from me, taking a sip of his drink before looking back at me. I was still dumbfounded, trying to somehow digest what he was telling me. What did he mean by all of this? Was this a rejection? It would certainly be a belated rejection if it was.

Sicheng placed one of his hands on my back, guiding me away from where our friends were crowded, too busy in conversation to realise that we were no longer standing nearby.

"Do you remember when we were at the football match together? Spending time together like that felt really good. I actually wanted to give you a hug then. I had it all planned out, I would ask you if you were cold and then hug you to warm you up, but then I got shy and didn't do it. I was kicking myself for the rest of the night calling myself an idiot for not having the guts to hug you. It wasn’t as if I was proposing to you or anything.” He face palmed, and I let out a laugh. If only I had known that he wanted to hug me, I would have given him a hug myself. All that time I spent wondering if he would be weirded out or push me away if I had tried to hug him, and he was wanting the exact same thing the whole time. "And I was so mad that I couldn't be there to watch your performance. I made sure I had enough storage on my phone to take pictures and videos of you, but then I got a call to say that rehearsals had been rescheduled to that night. I was tempted to curse them out but I hoped maybe I'd have another chance to see you perform." Sadly, he didn’t get another chance to see me perform, because after that I only worked backstage, although he did come and see that performance, which did make me feel a sense of pride. "When me and Mark walked you home, I was super nervous. Nervous because I wanted to be alone with you, but he was there. If I'm honest, I noticed you smiling at me a lot and it only made my hands even more sweaty." Wait what? He was nervous? Around me? If only Mark hadn’t have been there, not that I didn’t want him there of course. I stayed silent, still unsure of how to respond, and still trying to process what was going on. Sicheng was rambling on about his side of the story and how he felt about the memories I wrote about in my letters and he looked as adorable ever with his cheeks flushed and a grin on his face.

"You remember when I asked you to come to my party? My smile was because of you, and the thought of you being there at my party. I guess that's the point where I first realised that I might have feelings for you, but I wasn't quite sure yet." My eyes widened. Feelings? He had feelings for me too? Oh wow, I really was dumb, wasn’t I? No wonder we never got together. Still, hearing that his smile was caused by my presence filled me with happiness. "And at the party, you kept looking at me in a way that made me suspect that you were dressing up for me, but I didn't want to assume in case I was wrong." Oh, this was embarrassing. He pretty much knew that I had put more effort into my outfit just for him and I was staring at him enough for him to catch on to my feelings. If I didn’t already want the ground to open up and swallow me whole, I definitely did after hearing that. Sicheng chuckled, guiding me even further away from the group. "How could I forget our little cooking show? I was waiting for episode two but it never came." He shook his head, glancing at me to see my reaction. I smiled fondly to myself. I definitely wouldn’t have minded an episode two. "I loved joking around with you and hearing you laugh. That's one of our memories that I treasure the most because it was just us two, and it felt so natural. I can't believe I still didn't realise I liked you." Perhaps I wasn’t the only idiot between the two of us. That sounded a lot like someone who had a major crush on someone to me. He looked back at our friends, watching them enjoying each other’s company. It looked like they had started having their own mini dance battle. Me and Sicheng watched the others for a few moments before he turned to look back at me. "If you wanted to, we could have another dance lesson. I enjoyed it a lot last time. I actually felt pretty proud hearing that you wanted me, of all people, to teach you. Your dancing was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. You know, I wanted to hold you because you made my heart race so fast. As for the food... I brought it with me because I knew that you would forget to bring snacks, and also because I wanted to show you how good of a boyfriend I would be." He grinned shyly. "And how dare you assume that you didn't make me fall for you! You were making me suffer from how cute you we're being!!" My heart was melting faster than an ice cream on a hot summer’s day by now. My face was so hot that anyone who didn’t know what we were talking about would have thought I had a fever.

"I don't think I'll ever be a dancer, though." I joked, covering my mouth with my free hand. Sicheng took my hand and moved it away from my mouth, eyes flickering to my smile which I disliked with a passion. He shrugged, telling me that practice makes perfect.

"I'll never forget our date at the zoo, either." Maybe it was a bad idea to take a sip of my drink as he said that, because now I was almost choking on my drink. He had said the word ‘date’ about me and him. He considered it a date. "Even though I didn't say anything, that's how I thought of it, as a date. I still have those photos of us, by the way. I had one of them as my lock screen for a long time, and if ever I was sad, I only had to look at the picture to smile." The thought of a picture of me and him being his lock screen made my heart flutter. Wasn't that the kind of thing that couples usually did? Sicheng pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed me the picture. I was leaning into him and his arm was placed loosely around me, not quite touching me. I had managed to convince him to wear a headband with tiger ears on it, which was the cutest thing ever. "At the Christmas party, I was secretly wishing that we'd get caught under some mistletoe so that I had an excuse to kiss you. I kept having those thoughts and that was something completely new to me. I'd never wanted to kiss someone so bad before. And your little Christmas sweater.. that sweater looked so good on you; did you not realise how nervous I was around you?" I shook my head, still refusing to believe the words coming out of his mouth. We were almost outside now, only a few steps from standing out on Johnny's balcony. My heart was still pounding so loud that I was afraid of Sicheng being able to hear it.

His smile fell, his eyebrows scrunching up tightly. "I had no idea you saw that kiss. I saw yours. It was only whilst reading your letters that I realised that I was in the exact same boat as you. Both of us saw the other person kissing someone else and assumed that they didn't have feelings for us. And both of us were kissed by someone who we didn't have feelings for." He chewed his lip, then shook his head, letting out a small laugh. "I was really worried that you didn't like me anymore. I would have been happy for you and Mark, though." He glanced at me, and then back at Mark, who was giggling hysterically at something and clapping his hands together. I had never quite seen him that way, so the idea felt strange to me, but I could also understand his thinking. "What about Valentine's Day? Did you wonder who that card was from? I can't believe you didn't recognise my handwriting." My mouth fell open. Him?? He sensed my surprise and bit his lip. "Yeah, I wrote it, but I never sent it."

I furrowed my eyebrows. I was confused. What did he mean he didn't send it? How did it end up in my possession? "Some of the boys knew that I liked you, so it must have been one of them. I wasn't going to send it because I still thought you and Mark were a thing, but I was tempted to do it anyway." We were standing outside on the balcony now, the small breeze making his hair flutter just as much as he was making my heart flutter. Not only was I incredibly close to him, but he was also telling me that he had a crush on me back then. The possibility of him still feeling that way now made my head spin.

"I regret the last few months before graduation. I really should have handled it better. I felt bad because you seemed to be ignoring me and then I was worried that for whatever reason you didn't like me anymore. And then I read your letter and I realised that I might just be the most stupid man on the planet. This is me saying sorry for acting so stupidly, and to say sorry for not confessing to you even though I had a feeling that you felt the same." I opened my mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a loud noise coming from inside Johnny’s house.

"Five!" People inside cheered. Sicheng turned to look at me with a smitten grin on his face. "Four!" I chewed my lip, wondering if he had the same thoughts as me. "Three!" He moved closer to me, eyes locked on mine. I couldn't look away from him. "Two!" His hands were now cupping my cheeks and my heart was doing backflips and loop-de-loops. "One!" I barely heard the cheering. All I could focus on was the fact that Sicheng had just kissed me. The winter breeze outside was bitter, but the heat rising to my cheeks kept me warm. I kissed him back, feeling him grin against my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his torso, pulling him even closer to me. Fireworks were going off all around us, and suddenly I didn't despise New Year celebrations anymore.

[marshmallowgoop]

This is something I should have edited together.

So here it is: (a lot of!) the sweet messages I’ve received in the last month or so that are in direct response to my anonymous hate mail. 

I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard it said that humans are remarkably negative creatures, and it takes so many more positive experiences to balance out just one negative experience. And maybe it’s not that universal a thing, but I can say that it sure feels relevant to my own life.

So, I think it’s important to remind myself that, no matter how much it seems like it’s so easy to attack me but so difficult to support me, I’ve actually received far more kind messages than cruel messages throughout this whole mess. And the kind messages are so much more thoughtful, too—and often attached to real names! 

And... I think that says something when I’m as cringey and humiliating as I am. These folks aren’t too ashamed to say that they’re here for me and what I do.

(But that said, I have removed names from anything that wasn’t a reblog or reply because I don’t want to embarrass anyone. Please let me know if you don’t want your words here at all, and I’ll blur them out. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.)

There’s some stuff I want to address under the cut—along with a transcript if anyone is interested in reading these words but has trouble with the screenshots—but more important than any of my ramblings to follow, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write out these supportive sentiments and who continues to support me. I know these meltdowns are a drag, and I know I’ve been a nuisance. Thank you for sticking with me. I aim to be better and live up to what these messages say.

First things first, I want to clarify why I posted the collage of all the hate the other day. I didn’t approach that well, and I’m sorry. I realized too late that it was a bad decision.

Really, that collage was more meant just for me. Maybe it’s sad, but I’ve been actively writing on this site for a good half decade now, and for a lot of that time, I’ve almost craved anon hate. I was disappointed that I never got any. I wondered what the heck I was doing wrong.

After all, I have so many unpopular opinions. I realized that a lot of the community disliked me—or if that’s too strong a word, I knew they didn’t want anything to do with me—because of what I think and how I feel. But they never wanted to voice anything to my face. I wasn’t worth the effort to be attacked. I was nothing. Nobody.

There’s this quote from Tibor Kalman that I think about a lot: “[W]hen you make something no one hates, no one loves it.” If no one hated me enough to hate me right to my face, I thought, then I wasn’t good enough. I was boring. Easily forgotten. Not worth the effort.

So, getting all that anon hate for the first time? God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Getting everything I’d always feared the community hated about me—as well as things I didn’t even consider them hating about me—right in my inbox? Ow. I cried a lot. I wanted to burn everything I ever wrote a lot. I wanted to quit making stuff for this community a lot. 

What’s the use? I thought—selfishly, of course, keeping in mind all the support up above. Why do I try? It was cruel and unfair, but I kept thinking these things. I kept thinking, What’s the use when nobody wants me here?

But I also thought about the implications of getting all that stuff thrown at me. And I knew it meant one thing: I’m not boring anymore.

There is at least one person out there who frequently checks my blog for more things to rail on me for. There is at least one person going out of their way to write nasty, awful, mean-spirited messages. There is at least one person eagerly waiting for me to respond, to say something, anything, so that they can hurt me and drag me and push me down.

After all these years, to at least one person, I’m worth the effort. No matter how much the messages have stung and destroyed me, I wanted to keep a record of them to remind myself, hey. Someone or someones out there hate(s) me this much for having a different opinion on a cartoon. Maybe that says that my opinions on this cartoon are worth something. 

I mean, they’re worth this level of mocking and ridicule, right?

But... I could have just kept the collage to myself. It’s a personal motivation. Nobody else needs to see these terrible things. That just encourages the cruelty even more. Why did I publicize it?

Well, it’s not too uncommon for Internet content creators to make something out of their hate comments. I like the trend of turning the comments into songs, like here, for example:

At the end of the video, Madilyn Bailey, the artist, says that the purpose of the song is to mock Internet troll culture and make something positive from the negativity.

But I wouldn’t say that that was really my motivation for posting my collage. Call me silly and naive, but I wanted to draw attention to these Internet fandom issues. Everything in that collage is what I was having to deal with... on top of my normal life struggles. 

While all of this was happening, I was tapering off my anxiety and depression medication because I felt it wasn’t as effective as it could be and because I feared it was making me lose my hair—something that I am extremely self-conscious about. I cut my hair short nearly a decade ago, and it’s never grown back to the same length. 

So, needless to say, while all of this was happening, I was horrified about the big clumps of hair lost in the shower. I was dealing with lightheadedness and dizziness from the withdrawal of my meds (which I’m still dealing with, btw), and I was also dealing with stresses at work. My department has changed management within the last year, and there’s been the concern that people will lose their jobs. There’s been the concern that this occupation won’t be enough to support me anymore.

While all of this was happening, I was stressed about my career, about money, about growing older—the beginning of the anon hate assault was just days before my birthday. I couldn’t see my therapist as much as I wanted because there ain’t enough therapists out there for all this world’s issues. 

And while I know that I shouldn’t compare, I also know well that my struggles are nothing compared to the struggles of others. So, how must it feel to deal with all the crap that life just normally throws at you, that’s probably a lot worse for most people than it is for me... and then come home to messages that treat you like a disgusting, horrible, awful human being for your feelings on a cartoon? For work you offer to a community for free and fun? 

For answers to questions that you only answered because you were asked to?!

Well, it felt pretty bad to me.

When I posted my collage, I meant to send a message about how this is not okay. I don’t want to see this kind of behavior, and I’m bothered that I don’t know how normal or common what happened to me is. Is this an everyday occurrence for online content creators? Have I just been shielded all these years because I wasn’t interesting enough?

I hoped that by sharing what I was going through, it’d draw attention to the problem. We shouldn’t be treating our fandom content creators like this. It’s not fair. It’s sick.

Of course, I don’t want to guilt anyone into supporting me. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t criticize me. I don’t want anyone to feel that, just because I was dealing with a Lot in life, any poor behavior on my part is somehow okay. It isn’t.

The comments that probably hurt me the most in that collage aren’t even the “hate” ones. They’re the ones that express that I messed up. That I hurt them. I can’t say I agree with how these feelings were expressed, but more than any nasty, personally insulting message, those probably hit hardest. I hate the feeling that I’m disappointing my followers. In fact, in taking screenshots for this post, I saw that at least one of the people who had sent me a sweet message has since unfollowed. And that—the sense that I should just stop, that my work really is as horrible as the cruel anons say, that I’m no longer someone they want to support because I’m a disaster and a failure—that... really, really stung.

But as I’ve said before, I can’t blame anyone for leaving me after all this drama. It stinks. It sucks. I messed up. I try to be kind, respectful, considerate, but I’m not perfect, and there are gonna be mistakes along the way. 

So I want to encourage—but only if you’re comfortable doing so, of course—more feedback about how to be better. How could I make my content more appealing? How could I handle these situations in ways that are less awful? Could I improve my post-tagging system? My therapist is helping me, but I’d like to hear from all y’all, too. I want to know how to make stuff that people actually enjoy. Anon hate doesn’t exactly help me make better content, but actual constructive feedback will. That’s what I want to see.

But enough bellyaching. Here are some posts I’m prioritizing right now, and I’d like to know which one folks would want to see most:

✄ “ambiguous” thoughts

✄ Ryuko stronger in episode 14, North Kanto monkey versus Osaka monkey

✄ Episode 6 ending

✄ Ryuko and Senketsu interactions

✄ Ripping out heart

✄ Satsuki’s isolation

✄ Things About: Senketsu, Satsuki, Mako, Tsumugu (maybe more?)

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 5-8

✄ Ryuko’s IF story, episodes 9-10

✄ Anime Revolution info

It’s a lot, I know ^^; And that’s not even close to all of it. But where should I start? Don’t worry; I intend to finish everything here—especially because a lot of these are old, old requests!—but I’m easily overwhelmed, so an idea of where to begin would be really helpful for me!

tl;dr, I shouldn’t have posted that thing the other day, and maybe this long vomit dump about my intentions doesn’t even come close to making up for it. But I want folks to know that I appreciate their support and would love any feedback about how to better serve the community and live up to these kind messages.

Which, speaking of, here’s a transcript of them:

“As a survivor that's ace I think you're handling the ragyo situation excellently and I'm really enjoying your blog so thank you!”

“Sorry you’re dealing with backlash in regards to your opinions and headcanons on Ragyo, dear! While I can’t really say much on the matter, I think it’s fair that you’re being open with us on how you feel and that you’re entitled to your opinion. Does that mean people will agree with you? No, but that’s okay! Or at the very last, it should be...but people can get heated when certain topics come up and that’s when it Gets Messy”

“There’s no right way to fandom, people jumping in your ask to belittle you are jerks. Tbh the first time I watched Kill La Kill I didn’t consider ryuko and senketsu relationship as romantic but after finding your writing and on subsequent watches I totally see it and like that’s the whole point of fandom right? A group of people who love a thing for varying reasons, I don’t understand this need to be monolithic in fandom. Anyways I love your writing and totally understand your frustrations of late”

“Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like whatever they want to like. You don’t like that? That’s fine! But please, leave Goop alone for stating her mind and expressing how she feels about it. She wouldn’t hark you for your opinion because she’s fully aware of how could make you feel. She’s done nothing but pout her heart out about a series she loves, it’s her passion. If someone did that to YOU, you wouldn’t like it, now would you? (1/2)

“I know it’s not going to magically change overnight and everyone will say their peace to feel validated, but I just feel so bad that you’re getting all of this over things that you’ve previously talked about and STILL have to defend yourself for. Your opinion is yours, Goop, and don’t let ANYONE try to challenge that! (2/2)”

“Please don't be so hard on yourself! I understand why it makes you upset when people send hate and stuff but you shouldn't feel the need to justify every single word you say. I just wanted to let you know that I always adored everything you write and I'm completely on your side in all of this. :) I hope you feel better soon!”

“I think your takes are very good; but more important than everyone agreeing w/ everyone elses readings, I think, is that you are a very good writer of analysis and it would be a shame for you to falter in that because of ppls reactions to your content. anyone who harasses you about having the 'wrong opinions' about fiction needs to learn how analysis of fiction functions & find a better outlet :) you are very talented, Goop, please follow your true north!”

“People get hung up on weird things, like you can disagree with someone and not devolve to personal attacks??? Anyways I enjoy your klk content! I look forward to more analysis of the game!”

“man, i dunno why so many anons gotta be such massive jackasses, you don't deserve it. hell, i don't even ship ryuketsu (I lean towards a more queerplatonic partnership interpretation, and im generally allergic to romantic shipping anyways) and i still deeply appreciate the thought and research and care you put into your meta.”

“ik you don't want asks about this but as a sexual assault survivor you are absolutely valid on how you feel about Ragyo. I skip the bath scene on every rewatch, and I find her atrocious. The fact that people are attacking you for this is dumb.”

“Hey man you’re allowed to talk about who you want on your blog. It’s your shit. People are so entitled nowadays and can’t let people have opinions anymore. You’re not dumb, you’re not trying to be offensive. And it hurts seeing how you’re trying to be courteous and step on eggshells and still getting dragged. Like people are allowed to disagree but there’s no need to be rude to someone trying not to be rude. You’re literally saying an opinion. Everyone else relax, my dude. You’re fine.”

“It’s amazing how all these people can recognize ragyos terrible behavior but insist on having to defend her….”

 “Just wanted to shout over all of this hate and say you have an amazing blog and you shouldn’t let this get you down. Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s legitimately awesome. Anyway that’s all I had to say. Keep being you.”

“Hey Goop. Just always remember that even if we're quieter, there will always be more people supporting you and loving you than people hating you. I really hope you don't let these anons destroy your health in a more permanent way. Keep up the good work!”

“Hello! Just wanted to say that I love your posts and analyses of klk so much! I love seeing how passionate you are about it (bc I am too) and I also ship Ryuketsu SUPER hard! I'm sorry if people are getting you down, but I hope you keep on doing your thing!”

trashcanalienist said: I agree with this so much

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: …don’t ever let someone else’s insecurities become part of you. 😉

official-raven-branwen reblogged this from marshmallowgoop and added:

Ya’ll got a problem with Goop, you can fuck outta here with that.

#Lookin at you anon

official-raven-branwen said: Why are people being mean to you??! Goop, please please please don’t ever think that your content isn’t wanted. If people are having an issue, that’s on them. They can fuck right off.

tolliver-j-mortaelwyver said: More Ryuketsu! Indeed!

kuribo4indahouse said: Kill la Kill needs you

csolarstorm said: Hey Goop, I sympathize. It’s never easy to share opinions about topics like this, because everyone has a different story, and they all want their story heard by others. I’ve found that you can’t accomodate everyone’s struggles - you can only speak for yourself. Keep on writing, I love Kill la Kill and Iook forward to reading your work.

official-raven-branwen said: You got this! 

kuribo4indahouse said: Don’t worry, and don’t count out the possibility of becoming bigger over time!

gaylo-thymos said: Hell yea, you’re doing your very best to be out there and that’s what matters. Keep bein you!

darthvandr said: Well regardless of recent events, you’re one of my favorite blogs and I’d be sad if you left. So you just keep on being you!

kuribo4indahouse said:

Who the fuck wrote that lol

Are those even real people writing those messages? Who would be this rude over a TV show?

And then they call you “butthurt”… Any self awareness?

official-raven-branwen replied to your post “You’re so butthurt about this Ragyou thing. Get over yourself. So…”

You are awesome Goop! Don’t listen to those asshat anons. You rock and those anons mean nothing. You keep being you because you are enough!

Not sure why you have such awful anons. You are an awesome person. Please know that you opinions on stuff that you (very obviously) love are perfectly valid, because they are your opinions, on your own freaking blog. And to that anon that sent you that message, listen dude, if you don’t like the content Goop puts out, there’s the unfollow button right there champ.

eldritchgentleman reblogged your photo and added:

Fuck the opinions of others and enjoy what you love! They don’t own you, listening to them doesn’t make you happy so screw them with a pineapple.

simon-newman​​ reblogged your photo and added:

Also Ryuko and Senketsu is a valid ship.

eric-coldfire reblogged your photo and added:

Absolute valid ship, op. Ignore the haters and keep being you.

kuribo4indahouse​​ reblogged your post and added:

Just laugh at these Goop.

badgerjaw​​ replied to your post “goops, you’re starting to stoop to the level of those that are bugging…”

I don’t think this anon knows what patronizing means, nor can they tell the difference between getting a big head and acknowledging the amount you do in this fandom. To each their own, nonny, cheers

badgerjaw replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

At least the shirt in question can consent; wonder if these nonnies are gonna get on the people who abuse their non-sentient socks?

“I'm sorry. I don't always necessarily agree with the ideas, but I haven't been offended.”

“And I know you're like, you know, a reasonable, nice person. So even if you did say something that came off as offensive, I wouldn't be up in arms about it, you know?”

“Hey Goop, I know this is coming really late but here's what I wanted to say

“You didn't deserve any ounce of that anon hate.

“I'm just absolutely stunned. There was nothing wrong with what you posted. Not then, not now. Because all you were doing was expressing your OWN interpretations. You weren't trying to claim anything as set-in-stone fact

“And... I don't understand. I don't understand why people are SO angry that another person has an opinion they don't share. In the end, what are we talking about here? An anime...

“Don't get me wrong. The topics you discussed were indeed important to talk about, and fiction definitely does influence reality. But the fact of the matter is that, when it comes down to it, your posts were simply you sharing some headcanons about some characters from an anime

“And... when you look at the grand scheme of things, I really do think those anons are really quite pathetic. I mean. Consider what sort of person they have to be so get SO angry over a post like ‘Hey I think Ragyo might be ace’ and say ‘How can you be this STUPID Ragyo is OBVIOUSLY a lesbian and YOUR WHOLE BLOG IS A BAD TAKE’ like really?????

“Actually you didn't even say ‘Ragyo might be ace,’ it was more of a ‘I personally feel like Ragyo is ace’ and?? What's the issue with that?????/

“I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I'm so upset that you're upset cause of those anons and all the hate you got over NOTHING

“Also, don't discount the fact that there are indeed people out there who agree with you. I know you mentioned that you don't think anyone shares the same opinions on Ragyo as you do. But in all my years of following you, I've realized one thing

“You and I... have the same opinions on EVERYTHING????????

“But let me be clear. That's not why I support you. It doesn't matter if we have the same headcanons. 

“Even if I disagreed with everything you said, I'd still support you. Because it's not the headcanons that matter—it's how respectful you are and how you're always trying to better yourself. You always try SO SO SO hard to express yourself in a reasonable and kind way, and you are always trying to be mindful of your wording and considerate of other people's opinions

“It really upsets me to see you apologize so much to people who don't deserve an apology.”

“Hi, Goop. I want to thank you for everything you do on this blog. I started getting into your Kill la Kill content in around 2016. I even keep a copy of your meta book downloaded on my phone to reread every now and then. 

“I think what I like so much about your writing is how in-depth and supported and thoughtful it all is. Kill la Kill is so easy for people to write off as just a flashy, over the top, fanservice show. I think the biggest takeaway from the show is that it truly is a story about friendship and love, and I’m glad that you write so, so much about this. It always gets me all giddy and excited when I see you post something new or when you reblog your old stuff. I first watched the show in 2014, then I rewatched it two more times, knowing that I liked it, but not knowing exactly why. 

“Until I started reading your blog. It’s really thanks to you that Kill la Kill is now my unbeatable, number one favorite anime ever. 

“You put into words so eloquently what I’ve always felt towards Kill la Kill since I first watched it. I want you to know I really appreciate you. Please know you have my support, and I hope you keep doing what you love.”

“First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY~ 

“I just hope that anon finds something more fulfilling than spewing hate and nonsense. Like model trains, or magic tricks. I know my life got a lot more bright when I kept my nose out of people’s business and started focusing on the things I love to do.”

“I'm sorry that you have to deal with these trolls. :/ Some people just like to get a reaction. 

“*would talk more but feels that the conversation is past its expiration* 

“I respect you for expressing your opinion. Lord knows how illegal that is when insecure people get offended.”

“super late at night for me and I should be sleeping but I saw all your responses and how you tried to handle things and just felt really bad. You're in a situation that things just can't be solved with a simple logical response. Like I said sometimes people just have a view and when they disagree they just need to attack others who are part of that disagreement.”

kurouga replied to your post “[[MOR] I already knew people felt this way about me, but I guess…”

You don’t know if it needs you? At times like these I’d say the fandom doesn’t deserve you. It’s always mind-boggling – and yeah, saddening – to recognize how readily people forget how to be civil and begin to hold the meaning they see in fiction as more important than the feelings and experiences of others. Meanwhile you’re classy, humble, patient, and resilient enough to have retained these qualities where so many others… haven’t. Nothing short of inspiring.

I’d say it’s reflective of the cancerous state of fandom environments that it’s so much easier to win support with sweeping, neat and tidy divisiveness – that is, by resorting to discouraging, dismissing, or ridiculing differences in opinion – than it is to garner support as a thoughtful proponent of discussion.

Those who would argue “This fandom would be perfect if only those people who have other opinions/ships would just *stop* already” are those who would rather reign over a wasteland than accept that their views aren’t threatened/invalidated by the existence of differing views. And they almost certainly don’t appreciate the irony in that the perfect victory they envision is one in which what remains of the fandom is all cut from the same cloth. Never stop being you, goop.

“Hey uh saw that you're going through some brutal stuff with a anon. But I wanted you to know you're handling it like a champ and hopefully they'll get on with their life soon!”

“No problem I always look forward to getting notifications for your posts. It's kinda sad that you can't talk about opinions on here without someone getting upset but I hope that doesn't stop you from continuing!”

“You write a lot about things and you're sure to upset someone but at least you're being honest and always try to resolve disagreements realistically. I'm sorry that you're crying and all but I hope you do feel better soon! It's gonna be your birthday after all ✌️”

“I don’t know if I clicked the right button. Sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really, really respect your work and to thank you, because you bring so much happiness to life of me and my other friends. Keep up with your good work and continue to share love for Kill La Kill and for t h e m. *salutes*”

“hey! heard you'd been getting shit lately from people deliberately seeking to misunderstand the work you've put into the KLK fandom over the years (doubt you'd remember me but i'm still [blurred for privacy] on AO3). even though i don't use tumblr anymore on a regular basis, of all the people i met and knew, even tangentially, in this fandom, you've always stuck out to me as one of the loveliest and most dedicated fans and my favorite meta writer, period. please keep it up!”

korra-n-stuff​​ replied to your post “You realize some of us don’t have Tumblr accounts, we’re coming over…”

can these anons please go away? you’re wonderful goop, dont change. These people just has sticks in their asses

fromtheriverbanks​​ replied to your post “Guys, come on. It’s a work of fiction. People are allowed to like…”

I love your analysis. I tend to agree with the stuff about Ryuko and Senketsu and think it’s a big part of what makes the show beautiful. If there were PhDs in Kill la Kill, you would deserve one.

[summer-heatwaves]

Roller Rinks Are For Cool Kids

Another exchange with the fun beauty @swingsetboys I love doing this with you!!! Excited to hopefully keep doing that whenever we can! I hope you all enjoy this but I can admit it’s not actually good :/ still enjoy!

                           ——————————————————

Okay, so maybe the context did sound like a date. But no way. No way TJ asked Cyrus on a date, without Cyrus even realizing, no less. Except that’s exactly what was happening and Cyrus once again considered himself a blind fool. 

In his defense, the conversation was complicated! Along the lines of:

“I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to the roller rink this Friday night? They have this, like, disco night every month.” TJ asked Cyrus nonchalantly as he was getting his things from his locker.

“Roller rink? Aren’t those for people who, like, know how to roller skate?” Cyrus responded as he lugged his backpack over his shoulder.

“And for people learning. Cool kids.” TJ slicked his hair back and made a face, convincing Cyrus instantly. 

“Sure. Sounds fun! And dangerous.” A frown found his face. “Be warned, though, sir Teej, that I am very bad at roller skating and will cling to you the entire time. Fair?” Cyrus smiled softly and TJ smiled back, fiddling with his backpack strap.

The latter cleared his throat. “Good. Yeah. So, it’s a date then.” 

At first, Cyrus thought nothing of the phrase. But Cyrus did what Cyrus does so well, overthink it. 

Eventually, he felt hope bubble in his chest for just a second. Cyrus wanted it to be a date so badly. But he continuously reminded himself how bad he’ll feel when it’s not one and that the worst he could do is daydream about music from Grease playing as TJ whirls him around and kisses him. 

Yeah, no. Cyrus rolled his eyes and shook his head, halting such stupid ideas. 

So when TJ arrived to walk them to the rink with a blue tulip and a wide smile, Cyrus knew he was definitely fucked.

Kindly, Cyrus grabbed the flower from TJ, confusion wiping his features. 

TJ noticed and worry flushed his face. “Do you not like it? I just, I- I mean, I swore you said tulips were-“ Cyrus watched him rub his neck and fumble over his words for a moment before responding.

“It’s lovely, TJ. Thank you.” Cyrus grinned, smelling the flower. “I’m gonna put it in the vase in my room real quick, okay?” TJ nodded in response and he looked a little more pleased with himself.

“Oh god. It’s a date. It’s really a date.” Cyrus shook his head and stared at his reflection, suddenly feeling underdressed and unprepared. Curse TJ for not being more clear. 

Taking a deep breath, he recalled that TJ was wearing a simple white tank and black jeans. By default, Cyrus’s blue sweater and plain pants seemed just fine, almost overdressed compared. 

Slipping the beautiful flower in the vase, Cyrus sighed happily and rushed back downstairs. Fear would not come between this, not now. 

“Ready?” TJ asked, cocking an eyebrow. 

“As ever.” Cyrus responded. As the door closed behind them, a hand reached out for him. He could see the nerves shaking TJ a little and accepted the invitation to hold his hand, squeezing it to calm the older boy down. 

TJ visibly relaxed and a cool grin settled on him. Oh, how Cyrus wished he could be half as calm as his friend always appeared to be. 

So, technically speaking, it definitively IS a date. But Cyrus refused this to be one simply because he didn’t know when he agreed and because it was an embarrassment to him at the moment. 

Just since they arrived, Cyrus needed help with the stupid roller skates which led to TJ putting them on for him. Then, Cyrus practically ripped TJ’s basketball shooting arm from his socket because he was falling and forgot to let go of the blond boy. And as if he didn’t feel like a loser enough, Cyrus was tripping over his words worse than a child learning to speak. 

He reminded himself that it’s just TJ. Beautiful, basketball playing, best guy friend TJ. The boy he can always feel okay around. 

Yet, he knew feeling comfortable didn’t make him any better at staying on his feet. 

“You’re doing great, Underdog! One more lap around and we can take a break if you want.” Cyrus smiles and gave him a thumbs up with his free hand. 

The lap seemed to last forever. Except in a good way. Cyrus’s legs hurt and his ankle stung a little from the falls but TJ’s smile made it kind of worth it.

TJ’s hand was really sweaty and the room was on fire from all the overhead colored lights and the disco ball. Somehow, Cyrus noticed the way TJ’s face lit up like the stars when certain songs played, the way TJ would sneak glances at Cyrus every couple of seconds. And it seemed TJ was warmer than all the lights combined. 

For a moment, Cyrus wasn’t sure if TJ only looked at him because he was worried Cyrus would fall, or if he actually just wanted to see him. 

As the lap rounded, TJ looked to Cyrus expectedly and waited for an answer on if it was time to be done for a bit. He wanted Cyrus to have as great of a time as he was having. 

Before Cyrus could speak, a familiar song rang in the speakers. Sorry to say, it wasn’t from Grease but iconic nonetheless.

“TJ!” He screamed excitedly and squeezed his date’s hand. “We have to dance!” 

TJ rolled his eyes but a pinch of excitement came alive in his chest. If Cyrus wanted to continue, TJ would definitely not stop him. Besides, the song was a guilty pleasure for him as well. 

TJ had to set up their moves. He decided they’d hold hands and he’d keep them spinning in a slow circle.

“Just follow my lead!” TJ said over the loud music in the speakers that bounced off the walls.

“I’ll have you know I took dance classes!” Cyrus replied, feigning hurt.

“On skates?” Cyrus huffed in response and held tightly to TJ, knowing full well he’d be on his ass without the boy. 

It was extremely messy but most of the night had been so it was on brand in Cyrus’s eyes. 

They couldn’t stop because, as Cyrus said, ABBA wouldn’t want them to give up so fast. 

The two fell into a rhythm of sorts while laughing and singing along to every word. Even if it was evident that Cyrus couldn’t move unless TJ moved him. 

“YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN! YOUNG AND SWEET ONLY 17!” Together, they sang incredibly out of tune and hardly could move due to Cyrus’s legs wobbling on the skates. 

If people were watching, they surely had a good show. 

With slight hesitation, TJ spun the smaller boy but kept a tight grip around him. He held his waist as Cyrus crept in a circle and warmed at the way his smile radiated. 

“This is really fun!” Cyrus yelled, leaning close to TJ.

“It is! Thanks for coming, Muffin.” TJ whispered close to Cyrus. They hugged. Cyrus was hoping he’d kiss him and he scolded himself, hoping TJ didn’t expect him to be the one to make the move. 

The hug led Cyrus to lose his grip with the floor and almost fall as if it were second nature after all the falls that came before it. 

TJ, one of new-found perfect reflexes, caught him and giggled loudly, carefully pulling the smaller boy back up. 

“You ready for a break?” An excited TJ asked. In return, Cyrus only shrugged. Cyrus wanted to take a break but he didn’t want to bore TJ at all. 

“How about this: you get to the doors and open them by yourself, I’ll buy dinner.” Cyrus considered it for a second.

“What if I die on the way out?” He tugged a little at TJ’s arm. TJ laughed at Cyrus’s feeble attempt at trying to get out of it. 

“Then I guess I’ll have dinner by myself.” TJ joked in response. 

Cyrus huffed and chuckled at his date. With a single nod and a deep breath, Cyrus let go of TJ and slowly made his way to the door. 

Well, for a second he did. The skates stopped just a few feet ahead and just a few feet away from the door. 

“The entire purpose of the skates are to use them. You know, actually move.” TJ picked at him. Without further thought, TJ gave the younger boy a slight push with his hand in the way he’s done a thousand times before. But this time Cyrus couldn’t have been less prepared.

Cyrus felt his body surge forward and a second later he was slamming into a navy blue door. Groaning, he landed on his back and his wrist hurt. It hurt like shit.

“Cyrus!” TJ three himself down next to him dramatically.

“Fuck, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! Please, forgive me.” He ran his hands through his hair in stress. Anger for himself streamed through TJ for being so stupid and careless. 

“I-it’s okay.” Cyrus was hissing due to the pain emanating from his left wrist. He firmly grasped it with his right hand and immediately felt another shooting pain. 

TJ selfishly thought about how he ruined his shot with Cyrus. On our first fucking date. 

Now, Cyrus was injured because TJ was an awkward klutz who practically threw his date into the door.

“I’m okay. It’s just twisted.” Cyrus wasn’t exactly sure if that was true because it felt like someone smashed his arm with a hammer. A lot. But he knew it wasn’t TJ’s intention and he’s hardly pushed him at all. This was on account of Cyrus’s fear, not TJ. The skates just kept moving and Cyrus had every opportunity to brake. 

“Are you sure? Fuck, I’m so sorry, Underdog.” For a second time that night, TJ was rambling. 

“Call my mother, please.” Cyrus said as TJ began taking off both of their skates.

“Y-yeah, of course. Sorry.” He gabbed Cyrus’s phone from the front pocket and put in the code, telling his mom to get to the rink ASAP and that Cyrus may have a broken wrist.

Cyrus positioned himself upwards and smiled at TJ and he took the phone back with his good hand.

“Don’t worry, it could’ve been worse.” 

“I pushed you into a door.” TJ mumbled angrily.

The younger shrugged it off. “Yeah, but you weren’t trying to. It’s not like you were throwing me into it so it’s not a big deal.” 

“I’m still really, really sorry.” TJ’s hand found Cyrus’s good one. 

It wasn’t TJ’s dream of how the night would go. No, they were supposed to walk home as it got late and TJ was supposed to kiss him goodnight and tell him how happy he was. 

They definitely weren’t supposed to be in a hospital room he was hardly allowed in with his date’s mom, waiting to find out if their entire date led to a broken bone and a “It was a good date but there won’t be a second” talk.

“To be fair,” TJ leaned to Cyrus before the results came back, “I thought this night would go a lot better.” Cyrus’s mother was currently getting horrible cold coffee from down the hall. 

Cyrus grabbed his hand with his uninjured one. “It’s fine. I mean, at least we’ll remember it forever.” 

TJ laughed and put his head on Cyrus’s shoulder, embarrassed.

“I lost my chance, huh?” He whispered.

“Not even a little. In a weird way, it was all a little perfect. I mean, I’ve been wanting this for a long time.” The boy shrugged in response and he felt TJ kiss his hand. 

Cyrus had a small sprain and it would be healed in a few weeks. A few weeks that Cyrus proposed TJ would have to shower him in love for. Movies, cuddling, making him soup. Admittedly, it was just an excuse to have TJ around all the time. 

For TJ, Cyrus promised to go back to the rink when he’s healed so they can actually take the time for him to learn. 

Cyrus couldn’t have been more happy about the painful sprained bone, even if TJ still felt horrible. 

[thekoshertribble]

“Now you belong to all of us and we to you.” Women of Star Trek Entry #14 “This Side of Paradise” Leila Kalomi

Hi everyone! Yes, despite the fact that Tumblr is turning into a burning trash heap, I’m pressing on with my blog series regardless.

(As I said before, I’m not putting in any more screencaps because I don’t want to risk getting flagged.)

So today we’re going to talk about the episode “This Side of Paradise” and it’s featured female character, Leila Kalomi.

Leila is a young Earth woman who joins a brave group of human colonists who decide to settle an uninhabited planet and make a sort of agrarian society there. Leila’s specialty is botany so her knowledge is obviously essential to the mission. However, their chosen planet, called Omicron Ceti III, is constantly bombarded with radiation of its sun, killing any animal life on its surface within a few months. The Enterprise comes to Omicron Ceti III expecting all the colonists to be dead and their settlement deserted, but they discover the colony thriving and its people exceptionally healthy. Oh, and one more thing: Leila and Spock have a history.

Apparently she knew him while he was on Earth some years ago. It’s not clearly stated what kind of relationship they had, but it’s obvious that she had romantic feelings for him back then, just as she does now.

Their reunion is as awkward as you might expect. She comes into the room where Kirk and Spock are talking to the head colonist, Elias Sandoval. The soft lights and romantic music cues up as Spock and Leila meet eyes. Spock’s expression is quite neutral, no surprise there, while Leila just stands there smiling at him. In a slightly creepy way, I might add.

Then the camera cuts to Kirk looking really confused and that’s when I laugh so hard I spit out whatever I’m drinking.

Leila explains she’s met Spock before and that’s it’s been a long time since they’d seen each other. We learn more about their shared past when Sandoval and Leila have the room alone:

ELIAS: You've known the Vulcanian?

LEILA: On Earth, six years ago.

ELIAS: Did you love him?

LEILA: If I did, it was important only to myself.

ELIAS: How did he feel?

LEILA: Mister Spock's feelings were never expressed to me. It is said he has none to give.

ELIAS: Would you like him to stay with us now, to be as one of us?

LEILA: There is no choice, Elias. He will stay.

Oookay, that’s some creepy shit right there. It sounds like they’re going to kidnap Spock or something. And that’s kind of the general idea, actually.

Later, Leila finds Spock in a field of crops with his tricorder, trying to figure out how the colonists have survived. We get some further insight into her character through their conversation:

SPOCK: Nothing. Not even insects. Yet your plants grow, and you've survived exposure to Berthold rays.

LEILA: That can be explained.

SPOCK: Please do.

LEILA: Later. 

SPOCK: I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.

Uh, I don’t think that capacity is reserved to females, Spock.

LEILA: And I never understood you. Until now. There was always a place in here where no one could come. There was only the face you allow people to see. Only one side you'd allow them to know. 

Okay, you’re not wrong there, Leila, but that’s kind of his choice, y’know? And you may not know this, but Spock has shown more than one side of himself to Kirk others, just not to you, apparently. 

SPOCK: I would like to know how your people have managed to survive here.

LEILA: I missed you.

SPOCK: Logically, you should all be dead. 

Jesus, they’re both just talking right past each other, it’s hilarious. 

LEILA: If I tell you how we survived, will you try to understand how we feel about our life here? About each other?

SPOCK: Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist. 

I’m pretty sure I’ve used that line on men trying to hit on me.

LEILA: Someone else might believe that. Your shipmates, your Captain, but not me. Come.

And so Spock goes with her into the meadow, because science, I guess. Leila makes some rather bold assumptions in this conversation: 1) that she is the only person who understands Spock’s inner psyche, 2) that underneath his shields, Spock does possess a desire for her. Both of these assumptions seem a bit...far-fetched, don’t you think? Clearly, she doesn’t know Kirk and McCoy.

Now, I’m going to jump ahead and spoil this for you: the whole colony is actually alive because Leila discovered a parasitic plant whose spores inhabit an animal host and protect them from the radiation. It also puts the host in a constantly happy and content mood, which explains why the colonists seem like they’re buzzed on some narcotic all the time. I think this is an interesting concept, but it presents us with a problem: to what extent are Leila and the other colonists acting out of free will? We know from the above conversation that Leila wants Spock to get the spores, but is this the spores wanting a new host, or is this Leila wanting Spock to love her, or both? It’s never explained just how much influence the spores have over their host’s behaviors. It’s probably a mix of both. We don’t see Leila without the spores until her very last scene at the finale, so before then we can’t do a proper assessment of her character. When she leads Spock to the spores and gets him infected, is that a selfish act or the spores?

If she did it selfishly then I have a serious issue with her. Why the hell would you infect someone with alien spores without their consent? Yeah, I get that they’re protecting their hosts and shit but...you just shouldn’t do that! Especially someone like Spock, who has grown up in a culture of emotional control; to subject him to this kind of treatment just feels so wrong. We see that once the spores start taking over his mind, he’s writhing in pain on the ground. And Leila actually seems surprised by this:

LEILA: It shouldn't hurt.

SPOCK: No, I can't. Please, don't!

LEILA: Not like this. It didn't hurt us.

SPOCK: I am not like you.

Like, seriously, lady? You didn’t expect his mind to put up a fight?

Of course, this is all assuming Leila herself wants Spock to become infected because she figured it was the only way for him to love her. Like I said, the spores might have been responsible for all this, in which case she would be a passive player and innocent of the accusations in my rant. 

The spores eventually take over Spock’s mind and he embraces Leila, saying “I can love you.” Then they run off into the meadow to frolic, look at rainbows, and make out some more. An angry jealous Kirk finds them playing in a tree later on, and orders Spock to come with him back to the colony. Spock acquiesces, but not before exposing two more crew members to the spores. (Kirk somehow manages to avoid their fate.) 

After this Leila disappears from the screen for a while as we watch the rest of the Enterprise crew get taken over by the spores and mutiny. Kirk realizes that violent emotions like anger counteract the spores. He then provokes Spock to fight him, thus freeing him of the spores. Once the two of them succeed in freeing the rest of the crew, Spock has to confront Leila once more. He beams her up from the colony and meets her in the transporter room. She runs to him and hugs him, but she realizes immediately that something is wrong:

LEILA: You're no longer with us, are you? I felt something was wrong.

SPOCK: It was necessary.

LEILA: Come back to the planet with me. You can belong again. Come back with me, please.

SPOCK: I can't.

LEILA: I love you. I said that six years ago, and I can't seem to stop repeating myself. On Earth, you couldn't give anything of yourself. You couldn't even put your arms around me. We couldn't have anything together there. We couldn't have anything together anyplace else. We're happy here. (crying) I can't lose you now, Mister Spock. I can't.

SPOCK: I have a responsibility to this ship, to that man on the Bridge. I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.

LEILA: I have lost you, haven't I? And not only you, I've lost all of it. The spores. I've lost them, too.

KIRK: The Captain discovered that strong emotions and needs destroy the spore influence.

LEILA: And this is for my good? Do you mind if I say I still love you? You never told me if you had another name, Mister Spock.

SPOCK: You couldn't pronounce it.

And that’s the last we see of Leila Kalomi. I give Spock credit for trying to let her down easily. You can tell he is sympathetic to her distress. (Compare this scene to the one in Amok Time where Spock confronts Nurse Chapel in his quarters - they’re somewhat similar). Leila’s feelings of loss cause her to loose the spores, which allows us a few moments to see Leila without their influence, although it tells us very little about her. 

All in all, Leila Kalomi is...well, not a favorite character of mine. If you like her, I’m sorry. Add some comments to give her a defense, if you’d like. I just find more problems with her character the more I think about her actions. I suppose it could be argued that Spock did like her back, and was happy with her (”for the first time in my life I was happy”) but I think it could be argued just as easily that that isn’t really the case. 

So what do you think of Leila? Leave a like or comment, and reblog if you enjoyed reading this. I’m sorry this one took so long but with Tumblr collapsing in on itself and the holidays it was harder to get this one done. Thanks for reading! Next up: The Devil in the Dark!

[dreadhaus-literature]

{Valentine’s Collection} #1

“Monica, will you marry me?”

Dylan O’Brien tried, desperately, to keep his facial expression from conveying his nerves but the longer he stared at himself in the mirror the more he failed. He ran his tongue over his lips, then over his bottom teeth before finally laughing airily and looking down.

“This is...harder than it looks in movies.” Dylan ran a hand through his dark hair, his hands dropping uselessly to his lap a moment later. His dressing room was thankfully empty; everyone was out on set preparing for the next scene and he was supposed to be practicing his lines...but there was only one line he wanted to perfect.

Proposing marriage meant forever, it was supposed to be a promise of “until death do we part” but Dylan wanted even more than that. If Monica said yes, he was specifically going to request that line not be apart of their ceremony, because he couldn’t imagine any part of his life, present or the eternal hereafter, where Monica wasn’t apart of it. She was what gave his life meaning--not the movies, not the fans, not the paychecks and not the steady growth of his career. Monica was the only constant through all of it, through thick and thin, when he was tired and sore or when the worst came and he was injured on set. She was by his hospital bed through his recoveries, she was beside him in bed every night, packing up and leaving their shared penthouse to travel with him while he filmed. She walked the red carpets with him and she kept him steady when reporters were pressing close and all he wanted was to be alone with her. The simple question, “Will you marry me?” wasn’t simple at all, because there was so much behind it, so much gratitude and need that Dylan didn’t know how to present but desperately wanted her to hear.

“Should I...Should I make a speech first? God, calling it a speech sounds so bad.” Dylan put his hands over his face, exhaling against his palms. “It’s a declaration of love, but I’m not a hallmark card and that sounds worse.”

How do you tell someone they’re your everything? Dylan tried. He woke her up in their hotel rooms with room service and a dozen lilies, and he surprised her with lunches or dinners when he could spare time from filming. He spoiled her rotten with anything she could ever want, and beyond even what she was too shy to ask for--he made sure she had it all. She often told him it was too much, that she didn’t deserve it, but he always chased that denial with a reassuring kiss, the strength of his arms, and promises that she deserved it for what she did for him. That was the beauty of Monica, his angel, that she never stopped to think what she did for others; she thought she did nothing but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Anyone who knew her sang her praises until she was deflecting, unable to take the encouraging words over an aching soul. Dylan was no stranger to her moods and he was no stranger to what darkened her daily doorways. If he could cure her depression, if he could shoulder what she felt (or didn’t feel) any day of the week he would. Since he couldn’t, he tried to meet her depression step for step, like a sword fight she didn’t ask him to participate in but one he wouldn’t ever bow out of. On days when Monica couldn’t fight, when he returned to the hotel room and found her still in bed, shades drawn, he was the one to open them. He was the one to gingerly slip the sheets from her and lift her into his arms, to shower and wash the day away. “If today’s no good, angel, then we’ll skip to tomorrow,” he’d whisper against her hair, holding her close and reminding her that nothing was going to keep them apart.

“That’s what love is, baby. It’s forever, even when it’s dark and you’re scared and I’m scared and nothing’s going right.” Dylan shifted in his chair, brown eyes on his own reflection but he wasn’t seeing himself. He was seeing Monica, speaking to her from that special place in his heart only she could touch. “I know lately nothing feels right and the days are long and you wonder...you wonder why you do it. Why’s it worth it, right?” Dylan’s laugh was a little nervous, a little scared, touching on his internal fear that one day he might actually lose her to this sickness that wasn’t her fault but her cross to bear all the same. “I don’t know if you know I ask myself the same thing, from time to time.

Not like you,” Dylan rushed to ensure he was considerate, waving his hands in front of himself. “What you struggle with is so much more valid than what I’m...about to say, but I ask myself that, too, sometimes. Why am I doing all this?” Dylan broke eye contact with the mirror to glance around his trailer. “If I take away my motivation for doing it...it does seem pointless. Playing dress-up as an adult so I can escape being Dylan O’Brien for a little bit.”

Dylan heaved a sigh, glancing down at his fingers twisting in his lap. He didn’t know how to make the world a better, brighter place for Monica but he did know he tried, and not just in little ways but in grand ones, too. He hadn’t told her the only reason he took on roles anymore, instead of spending all his time with her living a normal life was because he liked that she looked forward to his movies. He followed her blogs, her social media, and he saw she was always on top of anything he was doing. She was his #1 fan...but did she know he was hers? Every day she got up and got dressed, he was there cheering. Every day she ate and allowed her body to live for another day, he was applauding and thanking every star in the sky. She didn’t think the little things she did compared to what he did but that’s the beautiful thing about angels, they don’t see what they do. Selfishly, Dylan liked that he could tell her, that he could praise her until she was hiding her face in his chest and trying to shy away from the words he was telling her, about how happy he was to see her and that he was proud of what she’d done for herself that day. Dylan didn’t mind taking care of her because she took care of him, too, in more ways than she knew.

“You make me not want to escape.” Dylan spoke up suddenly, continuing his declaration. “You make me want to be myself, every day, because you love me. I want to be that for you too, sweetheart. I want to make you happy you’re Monica because I love you.” Dylan shifted in his seat, sitting up a little straighter. “I love you so much, Monica, that I can’t just be your boyfriend anymore. What I feel for you is so strong it’s what drives me every day and that means you’re more than just my girlfriend. You’re my partner, my biggest supporter, and I’m yours. I’m your partner, I’m right here in your corner every day and night.

That...That should make me more than a boyfriend to you. I want to be. I want to be your husband. I want to look down at a ring on my finger and smile because I know you put it there. I want you to wake up every morning with my ring on your finger and smile because I put it there.” Dylan smiled at himself in the mirror, knowing it sounded a little rom-com but...he found he didn’t care. Suddenly, all those movies seemed to make a lot more sense. “I’d be lost without you. I tell you that a lot, selfishly, because I want you to stay even when it’s hard but I hope I make it worth it. I promise there’s happy days still in your future. There’s reasons to say yes to life and...there’s reasons to say yes to me.”

Dylan blinked back tears, clearing his throat as emotions ran a little high. “I can’t promise I can fix everything all the time, but I can promise to try. I can promise that every day you spend with me will be better than the day before because I won’t stop trying. It’s the least I can do, because I ask you to try for me every day. The ring, my ring...if you’ll take it, you can wear it like a promise. And if I ever fail you, you remind me of it. You remind me what I promised you, because you deserve someone who wants you to be here. I want you here, by my side, as Mrs. Dylan O’Brien, the future mother of my children, the woman that I’m going to grow old with.”

Dylan broke off, his head lowering, chin against his chest before he put his hands over his face. Love was choking him, drowning him in emotion he had been holding onto for so long he’d lost track. He’d bought an engagement ring for Monica within weeks of her agreeing to date him and now that years had passed, he felt like a damn that was bursting, needing to be open and honest about what he wanted--what he wanted was her. He wanted everything with her and he didn’t care what that meant. It didn’t matter if every day was a bad day, it didn’t matter if every day was a rainstorm and he was left soaking wet and knowing the next day would be the same. Dylan’s worst day with Monica was better than his best day alone...and he wanted her to know that was how he felt. She’d probably shy away from that, too, maybe try and tell him that he deserved someone who could be happy all the time but not only did that person not exist, but he wouldn’t want them if they did. He wanted her, for all her stormy moods and that fiery temper, for the things she felt her faults but they weren’t, for him. The flowers don’t curse the rain, that’s when they bloom, and Dylan wanted everything Monica had to offer the same way.

“I don’t know how how to ask you perfectly,” Dylan confessed quietly. “There’s no perfect way to ask a girl like you to marry me. To commit to a future with me when some days I know you feel like you don’t have one, but...” Dylan sighed, looking back to his reflection with his heart in his eyes. “Take a chance and take my hand anyway. Please take my hand, and say yes.”

Dylan didn’t know if what he was doing was fair or right, but the words were from his heart. He wanted her to know all these things because she deserved to know that she had reasons to live. He’d be lost without her and he knew he wasn’t the only one. Monica couldn’t shy away from that; she could try, and her moods might shift and in the heat of a downward spiral she’ll tell herself that but...maybe if she had a ring on her finger she might feel it’s weight and come back down from the ledge. Love can be an anchor and so many confuse it with being a brick to sink a body but it’s so much more than that. With the right person, love can ground, can keep a person where they’re meant to be. Dylan felt strongly, so strongly he couldn’t wait any longer, that he could be Monica’s anchor. She was already his, after all. Even if she said no, that wouldn’t change.

Knock, knock.

“Mr. O’Brien? Monica’s here.”

Dylan cleared his throat, swiping his finger against his nose at the sound of a security guard outside his trailer door. He stood from his chair as the door opened, and Monica walked up the stairs--and suddenly, the nerves disappeared. Dylan smiled, a little bewildered at the sight of his beautiful girlfriend.

“Hi, Dyl. Ready to go? The set’s almost ready, they sent me to get you--”

Dylan took hold of Monica’s hand as she was gesturing, bringing her fingers to his mouth.

“...In a minute, baby. I’d actually like to talk to you, for a sec. I’ve got something to ask you.”

[space-lions-and-imagines]

A Very Merry Voltron Valentine’s ft. Pidge

Alternate title: Lance is a little instigating shit and pidge is a huge sappy nerd

A/N this was done with literally no editing or beta so mistakes be damned! Take my trash and do what you will with it lol

~1900 words

“There is no capitalism in space Lance,” Pidge said with a roll of her eyes as she tried to find the perfect ratio of alien ingredients to make the brown sludge in her cup taste like coffee. “And even if we were on Earth I would still try to fight the good fight against corporate schemes that disguise themselves as holidays. Its evil to try and trademark love,” she said pushing herself onto the counter and taking a long sip. Still terrible but if it was giving her at least some sort of buzz so worth it for the time being.

Nothing, however, was worth seeing that horrible ‘I know something you don’t know’ look that Lance wore so proudly. Pidge frowned, tapping her fingers against the ceramic mug trying her hardest to not ask. Asking would mean giving in and admitting she was curious in whatever gossip he had. Even if she was dying to know why he even brought up the subject of Valentine’s Day she didn’t want to feed into his teenage soap opera ways. Lucky for her though he wasn’t very good at keeping things to himself.

“That is very noble. I’m sure you must have been very popular amongst all your tech nerd buddies who also never had dates. But things are different now pidge! You do have a date and maybe they don’t share the same fight the system inclinations you do,” Lance said with what he must have thought was a very casual wave of his hand as he leaned on the counter opposite Pidge “But if you don’t care that s/o got you something well then that’s none of my business,” he continued looking down to pick at his nails.

Pidge’s first thought was that with the right forward momentum she could easily knock Lance to the floor and force him to tell everything he knew about the gift. Of course that’s probably what he wanted judging by his eyebrows lost somewhere in his hairline and toothy smile. So instead she cleared her throat and said “I have to go. Right now. Immediately. And you still can’t pressure me into this …. No matter what may happen in the future know that you had nothing to do with it!” as she ran out of the kitchen.

Pidge’s time off was supposed to be spent working on some personal projects, mostly working on some of her language courses before the castle started beeping at her and projecting holographic reminders in her room. Now she was desperately trying to figure out exactly what romance was even supposed to be. She had visions of hearts and fat babies with bows dancing around her head as she tried to remember what Valentines was like back home. She groaned, pulling at her hair and slumping onto her bed. “Sure Pidge you’re suuuuuuch a genius. Alien tech, no problem. Giant lion weapon system, no problem. Get your date mate a nice present and suddenly I’m as intelligent as a snail. Ugh no … that’s an insult to snails!” she mumbled grabbing a pillow to scream into.

She did nothing but simmer like that for a long time, the wheels turning and turning in her head to the point she was sure there was smoke coming out of her ears. Then suddenly she sat up right, the fire moving from her brain to her eyes. “I’ve been looking at this all wrong. I can’t figure this out the way Lance would. I have to solve it my way. Besides my way is going to end up being much more efficient and not only help myself but all other romantically troubled people to come!” she announced to her audience of scattered tools and crushed energy drink cans before setting to her new task: finding the scientific solution to the perfect Valentine’s Day.

It was at best a show of her dedication to s/o but at its worst, and somewhere a little closer to the truth, it looked like a conspiracy theorist wall. Pictures and words taped to the wall with multicolored string creating a makeshift obstacle course. Several people had tried to come check on her only to look at the mess, decide it wasn't their problem and walk right back out. Even s/o had been warned about Pidge’s strange project and hadn’t been around except to leave snacks and the occasional ‘remember to drink lots of water!’ note. At long, long last though she was certain that she had the key. A fool proof plan she had gotten all of the details perfected at three o’clock in the morning.

Well almost perfect, she had neglected one detail in her pursuit of scientifically backed romance; she had absolutely no idea where to get any of it. They were currently trying to lay low which meant there was no guarantee of the next time they would be going off ship. The only option she had was to work with what was around the castle … it was going to be a long day.

~*~

Pidge had looked rough before, forgetting to sleep for a couple days could do that but it was nothing compared to how she looked and felt now. It seemed like it was just disaster after another, she tried to not think of it as a metaphor for her life. First it was the flowers, a classic and what she assumed would be the easiest considering Allura had a greenhouse tucked away in the upper stories of the castle. Pidge had found the most appealing colors and shapes, trying to match those she knew from Earth, to create the ultimate bouquet. It was going great until she broke into a rainbow of rashes in some equally as colorful places on her body. That dream was quickly squashed.

Pidge thought that at least she could have a nice dinner and some chocolates to give to s/o, Hunk was a sap for that mushy kind of stuff. Heck he had been making everything heart shaped for month in preparation for the big day! Yet Pidge had all but been laughed out when she brought her requested menu. “Dude I would love to help you and I can do what I can buuuuut this is not Earth. I don’t have anything that’s even close to, what was it you wanted steak? Really, steak? And truffles? Oh man I wish I had access to some chocolate! It’s a nice thought but the best I can do is like a trio of space goo,” Hunk said before Pidge kicked that damned goo machine and left.

The rest of her tasks when just about the same. The closest thing to a stuffed animal she found was the training robots. The shiniest thing she could find to try and make jewelry was scraps of galra tech which just seemed ominous. She had managed to blow up something resembling a balloon but discovered whatever gas she used was very unstable finally leaving her empty handed and half an eyebrow short.

She trudged back to her room late into the night, worse for the ware and completely down in spirits. “This is what I get for turning my back on my morals, karma apparently works over time in space,” she snorted as she belly flopped onto the bed wondering if she suffocated in the sheets if she would be allowed out of the Valentine’s celebrations that she was sure Lance had planned for later the next day. She was perfectly willing to wallow in her own sadness until she was dragged out to see what amazing thing s/o had gotten her when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Her heart fluttered, knowing who it had to be but almost hoping that it wasn’t. The soft footsteps could only belong to one person and despite the fact nothing was going right Pidge was happy to hear them. After all the trouble and disappointment they were the only person she could think of that she would want to be around. Even if she had nothing to give in return. “Hey there stranger, I didn’t realize we had someone new living in the castle. I have heard a ghost has been roaming as of late though,” they teased as they sat on the edge of the bed with legs crisscrossed. “I did try ghost hunting but haven’t had much luck …. Ya know I missed you Pidge,” they added with quiet sincerity.

It wasn’t posed as a question or even with the air of sad guilt for which Pidge was eternally grateful. It was something she appreciated with their relationship; there was never any need to explain her weird habits until she was ready to talk. “Im a weirdo who doesn’t deserve your patience but I will selfishly accept it,” Pidge said slumping and twisting around until her head was resting in their lap, her arms hugging their waist. “But good news is ghostbusters have stopped by and eliminated all ghosts. I’m back to being my usual annoying goblin of a person,” she said grinning up at them.

“Mmm you are definitely more of a troll but whatever you decide to be, as long as you’re mine again, I’m happy~” they cooed down at her, rubbing her arm and bending down to kiss the top of her head. Pidge gave a content sigh and wanted to bury herself in this moment, get lost in the warmth and serenity of being reunited with them. “Aaaaaaan because you’re mine I kinda got you something. Lance has been on my case about Valentine’s Day, which I personally think is a sort of emotional cop out but I couldn’t resist a chance at arts and crafts,” they grinned, gently scooching Pidge over to reach for something in their pocket.

Pidge expected to be a nervous wreck, feeling so low that she would want to puke but she instead found herself actually anxious to see what it was. The earlier disdain of not being able to make a perfect gift a shadow in the back of her mind, almost laughable in that moment. She held out her hand to accept what she now saw was a card, pushing herself up to get a better view of what it said. On the front there was a cartoonish picture of a galaxy, stars and planets dotting the shimmery blue paper, and bubble letters that read ‘Are you stuck in space Valentine?’ then opened up to a very crude sketch of what was undeniably a butt surrounded by all capital letters in harsh red print ‘BECAUSE THAT ASS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD.’

There was silence for a minute, while s/o sat biting their lip, opening their mouth stuttering about how they weren’t a great artist and that she didn’t have to like it she just thought the joke was funny but they could totally forget the whole thing. Only shutting up when Pidge crashed her lips against their own, laughing into the kiss so hard they seemed to be vibrating against each other, tears wetting their cheeks before they pulled away gasping for air while the last fit of giggles left their systems.

“This is perfect. You’re perfect,” Pidge said, arms wrapped around s/o’s neck with her forehead resting against theirs. They giggled again and kissed the tip of her nose “Only cause I have someone to be perfect for,” they replied with another smile which Pidge happily returned. Again she didn’t deserve someone this amazing but she wouldn’t want anything else.

[clown-thoughts]

Dear, you know who:

It’s been a long time since I wrote out my thoughts about you, but it’s not been long since you’ve been on my mind. I hope that if you ever see this, you read the whole thing. I know it’s insanely long, and you hate me, so I won’t hold my breath. But I think it might be good for you if you do. I’ve thought about you every single day. I tried to distance myself from you by ignoring this new blog of yours for a long time, but I’ve been watching it for a few months now.  I’ve wanted to say something for a long time, but I wasn’t sure how to say it or even what to say. But these past few nights have been even harder than normal and I feel like now I just have to get everything off my chest that I’ve been holding in for all this time. I’m leaving it here, rather than messaging it to you directly, because it’s more about me saying what I’ve needed to say for almost 2 years now, rather than trying to directly confront or talk to you. That said, I will try to make sure you at least have a chance to find this, so you can read this and maybe understand me better, who knows. Maybe it will at least be a good distraction from the new drama in your life. Where to begin? I have so much to say. I’m sure that you’re smart enough to know who I am by now, and if not you will by the end of this.  We are not on speaking terms. The last I heard from you, you hated my fucking guts. And I certainly understand, to a degree. But you also said a bunch of shit about me that I think you must know was not true. I’ve since wondered if you said that just to make yourself look better and justify your own shitty treatment of me.  But that isn’t really what this is about. I want to preface everything, by saying that if you do ever find this and read it, none of this is meant to hurt you, it is meant to give MYSELF closure. But I will be speaking my honest thoughts in detail, and they will probably be kinda harsh at parts. I know that telling you this probably just falls on deaf ears, last I heard, you thought I was some lying, manipulative bastard who used you or some dumb shit. Well I can honestly say that you may think what you want, but everything I’m going to say is the 100% honest truth, as I have known and experienced it this past year and a half or so. I’m sure you won’t listen to it or read it if you ever do find it, and that’s why I’m not sending it directly. But you did always say you wanted me to tell you the truth. So here it is, better late than never I guess. The reason I decided to type this out now is two-fold; 1) Seeing you write about what you’re going through, I saw you describe a lot of the same feelings that I felt, (and in some cases, still feel) and it made me think, that maybe hearing the perspective of someone who was, (or is) in a similar situation would help you process it yourself, as well as understand me better. And, 2) A few days ago, on my birthday, I had a stroke in a movie theater and almost died. And right before I lost consciousness, I found myself thinking of you, in what I thought would be my last thoughts. When I woke up, I knew I needed to say my true feelings about you, because it would be my biggest regret to die without you knowing. The truth is, when we first got together, I still had some very strong, unresolved feelings for someone else I was close to. As time went on, she and I got flirtier, and it was definitely wrong of me, and I regret it immensely. Still, we never did anything physical until you and I split up. You and I were fighting a lot, and I’m not sure if you recall, but you were the one who pushed me and TOLD ME I should dump you. So I did. And I have never made a worse decision than that one. I shouldn’t have listened to you, I should have fought harder for you. But I didn’t, because I was an idiot. But at the time, I thought it was for the best. You were unhappy, and I wasn’t good enough for you. I hated that I was hurting you. And I felt guilty for having feelings for someone else at the same time. So when we split up, I tried not to think of you and I pursued this other girl I cared for. I knew going in, that she was a bad person. She is an extremely manipulative and mentally ill person. She lies for sport it seems like sometimes. She lied about me to her family, lied about her family to me. And she lied about me to you. I warned you, way back when we were together, that’s exactly what she’d do. I don’t know if you still have a relationship with her, but I hope for your sake, it’s nothing deeper than surface level. But again, as I said, I knew this going in, and I still couldn’t help but care for her. I thought I could “fix” her, cure the monster inside her. But I couldn’t. Her heart is pitch black. And when I accepted this... I still stuck by her, because I felt like I deserved it. I was an awful person. I lied about and hid my feelings for her from you. You were so sweet to me and I felt like I was such a letdown compared to you, like I couldn’t give you all the love and kindness you deserved. And because of that, I thought I deserved her; someone who treated me as poorly as I treated you. But when it came to the physical stuff with her, I couldn’t make myself go all the way. I tried to get myself into it by going through the motions, but it felt empty. I couldn’t have sex with her cause she wasn’t you. I tried so hard to push you out of my mind and I couldn’t. I stopped making an effort with her, and after a while she told me to fuck off. Truthfully, I didn’t feel a twinge of sadness to lose her, because at that point, I realized that even after knowing her for 10 years, those feelings weren’t as strong as the feelings I had for you, and whatever romantic feelings I still had for her died that day. When I saw how sad you were, all I could think of was how much I wanted to cheer you up and make you happy. I know it was selfish. And it was even more selfish to lie about me and her, to hide all of that from you. The truth is, I knew you couldn’t handle it, and I chose to selfishly try to forget and pretend it never happened. Now, I don’t know, you seem more grounded, I feel like you might understand better now that you’ve experienced similar things. You did leave me for someone else, after all.  But I regret it so much. I regret fucking up so badly, I regret lying about it. But in the end, it ultimately made me a better person. After that, I never flirted with or looked at another girl again for the entire time we were together. I never wanted anyone else. But you did, eventually, and you left. I was devastated and heartbroken. I made that other blog to vent and talk with you back then.  At the same time, a friend of yours came to me and tried to comfort me. She told me all these things about you, like that you had been cheating on me with the guy you left me for and he had been buying you gifts and shit while we were together. Looking back now, I don’t know if that’s what really happened, or if she was just trying to make me hate you for some ulterior motive. You 2 certainly aren’t friends anymore.  She and I got close. She was very pretty and kind, but what I really liked about her, when it all came down to it, was how much she was like you. Maybe too much like you, cause she cheated on her boyfriend with me, then ditched him for me, then ditched me for another guy who she thought would cause “less drama” at the time. Then the ex boyfriend killed himself because of this and she cheated on the new guy with me too. I felt pretty shitty, but I didn’t know what to do. She was there for me when I had no one. I was there for her when she needed a distraction from her grief I guess. But eventually, she felt better and ditched me again, for good, and I was all alone. So I did what I always do when I’m alone; I reached out to shitty people from my past. I did this the first time we split up too, if you recall, with a certain pink haired girl with a drug problem. But this time I reached out to the same psycho bitch who I used to have feelings for. In my desperation to not be alone, I made the mistake of giving that sociopath ammo. So the next day, she had twisted it into some sort of “proof” of my wrongdoings and told you all sorts of lies about me. It troubled me that you would believe her and form this hate alliance thing so easily, especially since I WARNED you about her doing that EXACT thing back when we were together. But I also had to look myself in the mirror and realize that I was just as dumb for reaching out to her and expecting anything else anyway. Plus I had broken your trust, so it was understandable that you wouldn’t believe me. And you were looking for reasons to hate me anyway, so you wouldn’t feel guilty. That was the last time I ever heard from you. You said so many awful things about me. I don’t know if you truly believed what you said about me, or if you just said them because you were mad at the time. But the main thing that hurt me was that you thought all my feelings were fake. That I never really loved you, that I was using you, all this bullshit that I was sure you knew wasn’t true. I couldn’t reply to you back then, because I knew you wouldn’t listen to or believe me. I doubt you will now either. But I need to say them, if not for you, then at least for myself. My life after that was the worst it has ever been. I had multiple mental breakdowns at work and had to be sent home. I started drinking heavily. I attempted suicide for the first time in my life. I missed more work and my grades started slipping. I tried to move on and find someone else. I tried to have what I had with you with lots of other people. But the hole in my heart is shaped like you,and no one else can fill it. I’ve since given up on ever finding someone I can love like I love you. I don’t even try anymore, because all I know how to do is compare other people to you. They all fall short. Eventually, I got kicked out of school because my grades got so shitty. That meant I lost my financial aid, so I couldn’t afford to live there anymore. I lost my home and my job too. My cats ran away a few days before I had to move out, and I couldn’t find them in time, so I lost them as well. I had them for so many years, and in those final months, they’re the only ones who were there for me. I miss them so much.  On the day I packed up to move out, I found your old key to my house in my yard. I don’t know how long it was there, if you left it while I was there or when I was gone at work, I’m not sure. I remember it had some rust on it. I think I overthought it, but I spent a lot of time wondering about it, and wondering about you. I wondered if you ever remembered anything positive about me. I wondered if you had any happy memories of us. I still do. But I try very hard not to think of them, because those happy memories are the most painful now. I moved back in with my family after all that. Had nowhere else to go. I didn’t have a room or even a bed, I slept on a couch that was way too small for me and woke up every day with chronic back pain. For 6 months. I remember thinking back then, that I hated you. I hated you for hurting me so badly, I hated you for breaking me. I blamed you for all my misery and misfortune.But underneath all that, I really just hated myself. I hated myself for fucking up so bad. I hated myself for not being able to give you everything you deserve. I hated that I wasn’t good enough for you. I went a full year without checking on you. I thought maybe that would make me stop thinking of you. But every other night, I’d see you in my dreams. This didn’t start then, it started soon after we stopped talking. And it still continues til this day. Just last night, I dreamed about you, and I knew I’d need to write this shit all out before I could finally sleep again.  I have all sorts of dreams about you. I have dreams where I’ve forgotten that you aren’t in my life anymore, and things are how they used to be. I have other dreams where we reconnect. Where you tell me all the new things happening in your life, and I tell you about mine.  Waking up from those ones hurts worse for some reason. If you remember much about me, you probably remember that I always tried to be a rational person. Someone who didn’t believe in magic or mysticism. But the truth is, I always had superstitions, especially about dreams. I know it’s stupid, but I felt like we had a psychic link or something in our dreams. I sometimes wondered if you were calling for me, but I know that was just wishful thinking.  I know it’s impossible, but I sometimes wonder if we share the same dreams. If the you in my dreams is really you.  These dreams feel so different than normal dreams. They feel real, like another reality. Sometimes they feel more real than my true reality, and I’m not able to tell what’s real and what’s a dream. I wake up from these dreams in a cold sweat and a sinking feeling in my chest. My heart beats so hard I can actually see movement under my ribs. It feels like something is draining the life out of me whenever I wake up from these dreams. I think you probably know what this feeling is now. You feel it too right? I know I’m not the one in your dreams though, and I’m sorry. I wish I was. I know that it would make a big difference for you to hear something like this from them, and I wish I had the power to make you happy like that, but I don’t. My mental health has improved a lot, believe it or not. I’ve been in therapy and I’m on medication. I don’t drink anymore, (though I guess I didn’t when you knew me either) I no longer associate with diet-Nazi douchebags. I’m much more involved politically. I’m not as nihilistic as I was when you knew me, I care about the world and I want to try to help protect it. By all accounts, I should be happier. I’ve improved my life, I’m not lonely. But I still feel empty without you in my life. I was never an angel. I know that. I’m sure I’m still not. I was controlling, I had such a bad temper. I said so many awful things to you in the heat of the moment that I didn’t mean. I have so many regrets and I’d do literally anything to go back and change it all. I know you aren’t an angel either. You are flawed, just as I am. I do not put you on a pedestal. But I do not believe those flaws define you. I love you for all that you are, flaws and all. I spent so long directing my anger at you. I thought I wanted you to hurt, the way I had been hurting. But seeing you now, so sad and broken, feeling so many of the things I felt and still feel, all I wanted was to hug you and tell you everything would be okay. Despite everything, all the ways you hurt me, I love you and I hate seeing you in pain. I would give anything to make it all better, I’m sorry I can’t. I wish I had to power to heal your broken heart. I wish you didn’t hate me so much, because I want to be there for you as a friend. I don’t want you to feel alone or unloved ever. I miss being able to talk to you about your hobbies. I wish we could talk about the new season of My Hero Academia, or Nier Automata, which I was so happy to hear you liked as much as I did. Sometimes I check your blog and I see things you post that make me smile and laugh. It reminds me of how we used to stay up late at night laughing at stock images and inside jokes about bikes, and I miss laughing with you like that so badly. I know you will probably never forgive me. I don’t forgive me for fucking up as bad as I did. But for what it’s worth, I forgive you, for any pain you caused me. I started typing this at 4am because I couldn’t sleep. It is now 4:10pm. I have not slept or eaten in that span of time and my mind is a complete blur. I don’t know if anything I say is making sense, and I’m sorry.  I know I probably spent all this time for nothing and this is all just gonna fall on deaf ears. I know you hate me, I know you don’t trust me. But I need to say this now because I could die any day and I don’t want to die without you knowing how I really felt. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I don’t expect or want for you to come crawling back. I don’t expect you to even believe me, as badly as I want you to. I don’t even expect you to read all of this. I bet if I told you all this to you in person, you’d roll your eyes and laugh in my fucking face.  But if you take anything from this at all, let it be this; I meant it every time I told you I loved you. I meant it every time I told you you were the most beautiful girl in the world and the only one I want. And I am so, so sorry for ever hurting you. I really do love you from the very bottom of my heart. I did then, and I still do now. I’m sorry I did such a shitty job of showing it. And I know you don’t love me back anymore, and that you don’t dream of me, or stay awake late at night thinking of me like I do of you. But I will always love you. You were my whole world. I want you to know that. I want you to know it wasn’t a lie or a trick. I want you to know it isn’t me trying to make you feel bad for me. I just want you to know that I meant every word of it. No matter how much happens, and how much time passes, you will always hold the most important place in my heart. I’m so sorry I couldn’t do a better job of showing you how much I loved you back when I had a chance. And I really truly hope that someday, you find someone who treats you as well as you deserve, as well as I wish I treated you. Please know that I will never stop loving you or caring for you. I hope one day, we can meet again. Maybe in the next life. Until then, I’ll just have to wait until I see you again in my next dream.

[greenappleeyes]

According To You (part 10)

Words: 1.6k

Summary: You and Misha talk about your recent engagement.

Warnings: Implied smut, language, RPF

A/N: For once I didn't make y'all wait a year for an update. Go me!! This chapter feels pretty final, but I promise there's more; much more.

Feedback motivates my writing muse, so an extra thank you to everyone that leaves some. If you'd like to be added to my tag list, just shoot me an ask or DM because Tumblr doesn't always notify me of comments and reblogs.

Misha is single in this series and, as always, no hate or disrespect towards Vicki or their family

---------------

"I can explain." You stated nervously. But how could you explain? You just confessed that you loved him and now you had to tell him you were engaged to someone else.

Misha frowned at your sudden nervousness Upon seeing your reaction, it dawned on him that it wasn't just a simple piece of jewelry. "Y/N, what's going on? Are you..?"

He pulled away from you and sat up, trying to process everything that was racing through his mind. You winced at him reacting exactly the way you expected him to.

"Misha, please, I meant to tell you earlier I just…" you trailed off because you couldn't think of a good enough reason. You had been acting selfishly and now you were going to pay the price for it.

He dragged his hand over his face, trying to calm himself. "You've got to be kidding me right now." Anger, betrayal, and hurt were coursing through him; even if he felt like he had no right to feel that way. He was the other man after all. "So, what was this then? Our final hurrah before you run off and marry some dipshit who doesn't even care about you?"

"I… no, Misha. I never meant for this to happen." You pleaded with him, but he wouldn't even look at you. "I'm so sorry, I wanted to tell you before; but I didn't think it should be done over the phone."

He finally turned back to face you, eyes glistening with unshed, angry tears. "But waiting until after I told you I loved you makes much more sense." His face froze in shock as a horrific thought crossed his mind. "Did you even mean it; or were you just saying what you thought I wanted to hear?"

"Of course I meant it!" you shouted in frustration. "I still do. I love you and I nev…"

"You sure have a way of showing it." He said bitterly, cutting you off. "Tell me, if you love me so much, why the hell would you agree to marry someone else?"

A list of excuses formed in your mind; any one of them he would probably accept and then move on with his life without you. He deserved better than bullshit excuses; especially after how upset he was. "I was scared. I didn't know what he would do if I said no. He could have just left me in Vegas with no phone and no way home or… worse."

Mishas face dropped at the admission. Of course you were scared, how could he think you wouldn't be. "Shit."

He wrapped his arms around you and spoke soothingly. "I'm sorry, I was being such an asshole. I wasn't thinking."

"I felt so guilty. That whole weekend and even after." Your voice shook with embarrassment and shame. "We had sex. I let him and it felt like I was cheating on you. How messed up is that?"

A small jolt of jealousy hit Misha. He didn't like thinking of Paul being allowed to touch you in such a way. He only hugged you tighter to show that he didn't blame you. "Shh. It's not messed up. It was just your heart reminding you of who you'd rather be with."

You pulled back and wiped the tears from your eyes. "I would rather be with you. I just…"

"You just nothing." Misha said cutting off whatever excuse you were going to give. "Look, I love you, ok? I know I don't have the right to tell you what to do with your life; but if you think I'm going to let you marry that piece of shit, you're crazier than I am."

The part of you that wanted to argue was getting smaller and smaller. What was there to argue about? Whether you felt you deserved it or not, Misha loved you and was ready to free you from the cage you had been living in. You inhaled deeply and let out a shuddered breath as you pulled the gaudy ring from your finger and set it on the bedside table.

Misha smiled warmly at the gesture. "Come on, well stay at my place tonight and figure out the rest tomorrow."

---------------

The next morning seemed to come earlier than you had wanted it to. You and Misha has stayed up most of the night verbally and physically expressing your love to one another until you were both completely sated and content to fall asleep.

"Morning." Mishas voice was low and thick from not being fully awake yet. "Sleep well?"

"Mhmm." You mumbled as you cuddled close to his chest. "Don't wanna get up yet."

Misha grunted in agreement. Thoughts of laying in bed with you all day long drifted through his mind as his blood flow travelled south. He sighed in frustration, knowing there just wasn't time for what he really wanted at the moment. "We have to. We have a lot to figure out today."

"Five more minutes." You groggily whined as you lifted your leg over him; letting your thigh brush against his prominent erection. "Or longer perhaps."

Suddenly much more awake than a second ago you rolled to straddle his hips. Mishas warm hands slid smoothly across your skin; from your outer thighs, over your hips, and up your back. He pulled you down, kissing you hungrily and groaned into your mouth as your slick folds rubbed against his cock.

"Ok." He said with a chuckle. "I guess we don't have to get out of bed just yet."

---------------

When you and Misha finally managed to pull yourselves from his bed, you made your way back to your former home to box up the irreplaceable items you owned and leave a note for Paul. You had agonized for well over an hour over what you were going to write; but ultimately decided a simple "It's over." was sufficient.

Back at Mishas house, you stared at the 3 medium sized boxes that seemed to contain your entire life. It amazed you how little you actually considered yours compared to what was Paul's. "I don't know why I thought there would be more. Everything that wasn't surround with Paul is right here and there's just so little."

Misha pulled you into his arms, knowing that this was a hard step for you. "That just means you're starting fresh. We are starting fresh. We can find a place to put everything and make you feel at home here."

"That's actually something I wanted to talk to you about." Your heart was racing from what you were about to tell him. "I, um, I think I should be on my own for a while."

Loosening his grip around you, his face wore a dejected and heartbroken expression. "That does make sense. It's a lot to expect you to be ready to jump into another relationship right after ending a bad one."

You patted his cheek lightly and smiled up at him. "Mish, no. God no. That's not what I meant at all! Shit. I meant that I should try to, I dunno, learn how to take care of myself for a while. Find an apartment and a job. That little café where we first met is hiring."

"Y/N, I don't know…" Misha said hesitantly. "I want to make sure you're ok. I understand asking you to live with me is a lot; but I have more than enough room in this big house and a top quality security system."

Part of you wanted to accept his offer. Living with him sounded like a dream come true; but you were set on trying this on your own. "I know you're worried; but I really need to do this. I just feel like I need to learn how to be my own person for once. Does that make sense?"

Misha sighed. There was no way he was going to be able to change your mind; especially because he could understand where you were coming from. "I get it. I don't love it; but I get it."

You let Misha pull you into another embrace and your heart swelled at how supportive he was being. It was a feeling you'd never had before and, damn, if it didn't feel good. Your thoughts drifted to heading back to bed to celebrate some more when you were interrupted by the phone ringing.

"It's Paul." Your voice shook slightly. "I should answer it."

He rubbed his hands up and down your arms and nodded. "I'll give you a minute; but I'll just be over here if you need me."

Misha leaned against a doorway as you paced back and forth while on the phone. Seeing you look so nervous and on the verge of upset bothered him greatly; all he wanted to do was grab the phone and tell Paul to fuck off. But he knew this was something you needed to do on your own as well and he was extremely proud to hear you standing up for yourself against the man who had torn you down so many times.

As soon as the call was over, he was ready to accept you back into his arms. Your shoulders shuddered as you let yourself cry against him; too emotional to be embarrassed. Misha simple backed up so you both could sit down and was prepared to comfort and hold you as long as you needed.

As your emotions started to level out again, you looked up at him and smiled. Your runny nose, crimson cheeks, and bloodshot eyes weren't enough to hide the look of relived joy on your face. For the first time in your life, you felt free.

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(I apologize if your tag doesn't work)

[seattleboundwritergrl]

And after four years in Seattle, Baby makes three…

July 5th will mark the 4th anniversary of our arrival in Seattle. I’m writing this in advance because I expect to be busy that day. I’m pregnant with our first child and due tomorrow. I suspect he’ll be a little late. In fact, he might even choose to be a week late and arrive on our Seattleversary. As much as I want him to come NOW (because I am anxious to meet him, pregnancy is pretty uncomfortable, and all of the major to-dos are done), that would be kind of perfect. It wasn’t until I was here, finally in the home of my heart, that I felt I could consider having a child. It was certainly something I longed for, just not something I felt was tangible for me.

I was thirty-three going on thirty-four when we left to Chicago area. I’d been married for almost four years to a partner that I could absolutely envision having a baby with—in fact I had envisioned it, the two of us with a little boy, so uncomfortably early in our relationship that it was one of those things I wrote in my journal and cringed at the thought of even my best friend reading. It was not something I’d ever discussed with my partner because it didn’t seem like it could ever happen. I’d put my career first, my writing, and it was not going as planned. I’d put out two books by the time we were married, but I was in no way earning a living off of them, or even the combination of books, freelance writing, and teaching writing. My main income was from bartending. I had the crappy in-case-of-near-death health insurance you get when you are self-employed. Neither of these things was conducive to pregnancy in my mind. Not to mention that other than having a great partner and great friends, I was deeply depressed. I’d gone from feeling somewhat content in Chicago in 2003 to merely tolerating it in 2006 to absolutely loathing it in 2012. I had not been a happy child there and would not want to raise a child there.

Right before we moved, two of my good friends had babies. As I held them, and especially as I looked at my partner with my friend’s brand-new son in his arms, my heart nearly burst with desire. Not that I told anyone. I wrote it in my journal, lamenting that it was probably too late. That I would just have to settle with finally getting out of Chicago and moving to my heart city. I didn’t know, after all, if Seattle would be different. If I would find work quickly. If I would still be struggling to cobble together income from different sources.

But Seattle was different. After six weeks, I got a job at a university, one I actually liked, even though it was full-time and meant a big shift for my writing. I also had great benefits, and as I recall, I used those to bring the idea of parenthood up to my partner. “Look,” I said, “I could have a baby and all the prenatal care and time in the hospital would be completely covered!” It was intimidating to have this discussion, to even admit that this was a thing I wanted—really, really wanted—even though I had never said much about it before. It was also intimidating to consider—the responsibility and especially the fact that as much as I wanted a kid, the cynical and damaged part of me had grave doubts about bringing one into the ugly, fucked-up world. Again, it was Seattle that changed my perspective. The beauty of this place that I used to regularly document and marvel at right here on this blog. It had been so healing for me, so transformative. It made me think that life could be good, that I could raise a child in a happy place instead of one that felt suffocating and wrong like the Chicago area had for me. Most important of all, my partner and I had taken a huge leap and done a Big, Scary, Seemingly Impossible Thing when we’d moved across the country. This made me feel like I could do anything.

We talked about it for over a year. I shed a lot of tears. I practically gave up when I saw that the cost of childcare was basically my take-home pay from the job that had made it all feel possible in the first place—the job I both wanted and knew I would have to keep. And then there was the fact that my partner had never seriously thought about this possibility, had always just assumed that it would be just the two of us and I would be as happy as he was with that. This was totally fair on his part since it had taken me years to confess this secret desire. We tried to set deadlines to make a decision. One loomed during our first visit to Mount Rainier and I have a horrible, tear-stained memory of the bumpy drive back down thinking that even though we’d just made one of our toughest climbs together, that we may never get past this hurdle. He seemed more on the verge of no than yes, and while I knew I had to honor that, I wondered—as did he—if I would ever feel whole in our previously near-perfect relationship again. I confessed a sappy secret: that I’d written the initials of the boy and girl names I’d liked in the sand next to a lake when I’d gone off alone. Though the conversation would go on for a few weeks longer, he would later tell me that for some reason that hit him hard. The idea of letting those initials go turned his pending ‘No’ into an ‘I’m still terrified, but okay, yes.’

There was another struggle to come, one that is too long to get into here and needs to be written in the proper time and place, but I’ll just summarize by saying that once we started trying, it took a year and a half to get pregnant. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I thought my depression was bad right before I left Chicago. This was worse. On par with (and also painfully interconnected to) how I’d felt in the aftermath of my sexually abusive relationship.

They say it happens at the perfect time, though, and it did. Also, somehow, despite month after month of thinking this and being disappointed, I really did know deep down that this was our month. We took a relaxing anniversary trip to the coast. I took the pregnancy test the day before my best friend, the girl of my heart, came to visit me in the city of my heart for the first time. I blurted, “Hi! I’m pregnant!” to her right as she stepped off the street car. It was a particularly joyous visit.

There are too many details about the pregnancy itself to get into here. I admittedly hated a lot of it—the sick, exhausted, painful parts—but I’ve been through a wide array of emotions that, again in the right time and place, I will document. (When one of your big personal hurdles to deciding to become a parent is “But the world is a pretty terrible place,” it is quite emotional to hear your baby’s heartbeat the day after instead of electing the first female president as you so deeply believed and hoped would happen, a racist, xenophobe who proudly committed sexual assault is put into office instead.) It’s been odd to me, the girl who has journaled everything since third grade, that I have barely documented this. I haven’t really blogged since before I got pregnant due to the aforementioned infertility-related depression, but I also haven’t recorded much in the beautiful pregnancy journal that I got for myself and I’ve gone days and weeks at a time without writing in the daily journal that I’ve kept for five years. A lot of this is due to exhaustion—working full-time while growing a human is intense!—but also because pregnancy is equal parts super slow and super  fast, or it has been for me anyway. I spent the first half waiting to feel better and also to reach X milestone that would make me feel more secure that this baby would be born okay (though as the daughter of a NICU nurse, I didn’t really feel okay until I hit 37 weeks). Then I spent the second half overwhelmed with all of the to-dos both baby related and not.

But here we are, the day before my due date, and a lot has been accomplished. Our house is as set-up as it can be (though not nearly as cleaned and purged as I was hoping). I’m as prepared as I can be for birth and a newborn (though not nearly as prepared as I would like to be as reading like writing went mostly by the wayside for me, so a lot of the books I intended to read are half or not at all read and I feel a bit like I’m about to take a test that I had no idea how to study for). And though I didn’t journal or blog, I did write. Once I hit my second trimester, I devoted 30 minutes each morning before work to chipping away at my novel—a very dark YA about rape culture, girl power and witchcraft set in the woods of Washington—and I came away with a 100 page partial and synopsis that I am very proud of and hope will sell while I’m on maternity leave. I trained my temp at work last week and just yesterday I finally finished knitting a big baby blanket and made my labor playlist which had been vexing me. Today, the first wave of visiting family arrives.

So I’m ready, though perhaps baby is giving me some time to reflect before he comes, which is nice of him. And maybe he will time his debut to match our Seattleversary in some way, whether arriving on that day or coming home the day we came home.

Because almost four years in, there is no doubt that Seattle is home. People asked, of course, as soon as we announced the pregnancy if we were moving “home” to be closer to family. Since I have such tough feelings about Chicago (not to do at all with family!), it took everything not to hiss and spit that I am home. I know it will be hard to do this without family around and I selfishly hope that my parents might retire out this way to be close to their grandchild. They also both understand that it was only possible for me to be strong and happy enough to do this, to have a child, in Seattle. My mom, the NICU nurse, has marveled at the medical care and options I’ve had out here even compared to her top-ranked Chicago hospital, like for example, the doula program at my hospital. Child care is going to be expensive, and like basically everyone who doesn’t work in tech, we are very worried about the steeply increasingly cost of living in Seattle. I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford to buy a house (though part of this is a Chicago problem—my inability to sell the house I have there before the market skyrocketed here). But I know we’ll make it work. The journey to get to Seattle, and to get to our family of three, has made me and my relationship with my partner stronger than ever before.

I look forward to year five in Seattle, our first year as a threesome. I hope to get back out into nature and to find a way either on here or elsewhere to do more reflecting on our life.

[geraltcavills]

Fourth time's a charm

AN: My version of what should happen after that ending scene from 6x10. / Obviously includes OutlawQueen but also some SwanQueen friendship. Enojy! ;D

Nothing could compare to what she felt when she first saw his face again. He was present in her thoughts every day and every moment since he died, but for all she knew he was already gone. For days she lived with a hope that his soul was not obliterated after all. That somehow, somewhere, he found peace, that he was happy.

And yet here she was, looking into his eyes again. It felt like a dream. It was just like the time stopped completly and before she even got up from the ground thousands of memories hit her like a train all at once. His voice, his touch, their kisses and late night talks.. even his smell of forest. It was too much to believe it was real.

"No." She whispered but didn't even dare to blink. It had to be a dream. A dream she would not survive waking up from.

She didn't feel her body move, she was not in control over it. She just... kept looking.

"It can't be." She said more to herself than to anyone else.

"This is a robbery!" Robin said with his arrow aimed at them. Regina couldn't care less about it. Emma did care, but she wasn't even listening.

"Regina?"

It never even crossed her mind that he could be alive in this reality. That damn land of wishes didn't change any of the facts in Charmings' lives, which obviously meant that none of it made sense. But Neal was still dead, he was still Henry's father. What's more Henry existed! And his name did not change despite of the fact that she didn't raise him.

How could he be here then?

"Robin?"

She needed to feel this word on her lips again. She also still wasn't quite sure she's not dreaming. She used to dream about him a lot in the first few days after his death and those dreams were painful. This time it felt different...

"Let's go! Off with the jewelry!"

"Remember what you said, he's not real." Emma was panicking, trying to stop her. Regina could understand that, Swan wanted to get through the portal as fast as possible but... Emma didn't realise one thing, though. How could she not see it? He was alive. Something was not right because he shouldn't be. And even if he was not real indeed, she still didn't care. Oh, how much she didn't care for anything in the world in that very moment.

"He's not real!"

"Robin?"

"Regina!" Emma screamed again, looking back and forth at her and the portal which soon would close, trapping them here for good.

A shade of smile appeared on Regina's face. A fake world with Robin sounded very appealing. Then  for the first time she realised the expression on his face. He did not remember her. Of course he didn't. But that didn't matter, either. He died to save her and now he was alive standing in front of her, for at least a moment she just wanted to selfishly enjoy it.

"Regina! We've gotta go!"

They didn't have a moment. But Regina didn't even look at the portal that soon closed with a ping and it all became quiet again.

No one said anything for a longer while. Regina was in shock, Robin out of confusion and Emma was just devastated.

"Regina..." Emma eventually slowly reached her hand to touch Regina's arm but Robin tensed the string so she backed off immediately. "He's not..."

"Okay, got it!" Regina yelled, finally taking her eyes off Robin and looking at Emma. The blonde realised that the queen had her eyes full of tears, so she said nothing.

Regina looked back at Robin, who looked back at her with a frown.

"What's this about? Didn't I make myself clear enough?"

"Please..." Regina's voice broke as she tried to raise her hands in a calming gesture. "I'm..."

And then she just started crying out of happiness, tears falling down her face. A big smile appeared on her face at the same time and she just couldn't help it. Through the water in her eyes she could barely see but she didn't take them off Robin even for a second.

"Stand down." Emma said to Robin, 'cause Regina wasn't able to do anything at the moment. "Let me explain, I'll give you anything you want just... listen to us."

"Why would I listen to you, princess? I'm not a fool, I know who you are. And..." He looked closer at Regina with a little bit less confidence. "The Evil Queen, is that right?"

"No, you don't understand, we're not who you think we are..."

Emma had no idea how she'd explain all of this to the fake Robin. Was there even any use in keeping the secret from him?

"How did you end up here?" Both Robin and Emma were surprised to hear Regina speak. She gave the Savior an understanding look, hoping she'd understand the message. They couldn't tell him just yet, something was not right.

"Why did you choose this place? How did you find us? We're in the middle of nowhere, did you follow us?"

"I..." Robin hesitated. He frowned and closed his mouth, for a second there Regina saw a consternation on his face.

"Exactly." Regina smiled warmly. "You don't remember, do you? You don't know what you were doing before you found us."

Robin quickly aimed at them again and now he was far from calm.

"What is this? What kind of dark magic caused this?! Tell me what you did to my memory!"

"Emma..." Regina whispered and dragged the friend on the side, leaving Robin alone with his confusion. "I know it may seem impossible but..."

"No." Emma shook her head. "No, Regina, don't. You know he's not real, you said..."

"Is Neal alive?" Regina stopped her looking very angry and determined.

"Why does it matter?" Emma frowned.

"Because..." Regina whispered and glanced at Robin again, then back at the blonde. "Because as far as i can remember Neal was just as dead as Robin and I don't see him here. In your wishful reality he's dead, his portrait is hanging in your parents' castle. Am I right?"

"What are you trying to say...?"

"It has to mean something!"

"And you just decided to loose our only chance for getting back to our family, to HENRY, to find out what?"

Regina gasped and let go of Emma's arm.

"I'm.. I'm sorry..." The blonde looked down. "I shouldn't have."

"No. You're right." Regina was close to bursting into tears again, but she looked at Robin and smiled again through the tears. "But if there's even a slight possibility that... that he could... I just have to know, okay? I won't leave until I know for sure. But do what you will, I'm not stopping you."

"We already lost the bean anyway." Emma shrugged. "I'm gonna help you, but then we find another way back."

Regina smiled and tried to turn back to Robin, but Emma stopped her again.

"Wait! Are you gonna tell him?"

"I don't know." It was the only thing she said.

Then she turned around and froze. Robin was getting on his horse in a rush. Her eyes opened wide, she was so terrified he'd leave.

"Wait!" She screamed. He looked at her and their eyes met for a second. For the first time they were truly looking into each others' eyes with something more than fear or a shock. Then he took off and Regina felt as if the world is falling apart into a million pieces. It felt like he was dying in her arms all over again.

"Regina, go after him!" Emma said. "I'm gonna find Gold and make another deal...or something. Just do what we stayed for, DON'T WASTE IT!"

The Queen nodded, not being able to say anything. What she was doing was crazy.

"GO!" Emma shouted again and Regina didn't have to think twice. She made a characteristical hand movement and poofed herself a few yards away just to see Robin running away through the forest.

"Please stop!"

Robin almost fell off when he saw her but kept rushing forward. She did that a few more times until he stopped the horse annoyed right in front of her.

"What do you want from me?" He looked very worried and was probably also very dumbfounded. She could only imagine how it was like for him, and she was feeling so freaking guilty she could barely handle it.

"I just want to talk. Robin.. please."

His frown reminder her of the times she tried to teach him how to use a microwave. One day they just woke up next to each other in her house and tried to make a breakfast together. It was one of the happiest mornings of her life. Beside that one the list was made of the ones with Henry and that was it.

This is why she couldn't hold back the tears any longer. She felt so quilty for his death it was eating her alive. And yet here she was talking to him like nothing happened.

So much happened though, and now was the time to say goodbye once and for all.

Robin got off the horse and Regina started to walk slowly into his direction. He did not move.

"The princess said you're not who you seem to be."

"That's right." She admitted calmly.

"So... you're not the Evil Queen?"

"No." She denied with so much confidence she almost believed it. She didn't want to have anything to do with her worse half, who probably was drinking a victory champagne at the moment. "I mean, I was, but it's not me anymore."

She got even closer.

"I know this doesn't make sense and I probably shouldn't tell you this but it's my only chance, so you have no other choice than to listen to me." She laughed through the tears that were slowly filling her eyes.

He's not real you fool, she kept telling herself, wanting to touch him at the same time so badly.

They were both beyond surprised by how she decided to start her monologue.

"I hate you."

Robin rised his eyebrows and looked around to make sure she was still talking to him.

"I hate you for leaving me." She looked so serious that someone, who watched them and didn't know their history, could've think she meant it. "I hate you for what you did to your daughter, to Roland and to me. I hate that you loved me so much you couldn't let me die. And I hate the fact we ever met, four freaking times, which caused me more pain than ever before!"

She realised she was almost screaming but she didn't care.

"But I hate myself the most, Robin. So much. I hate that I let you die. That my mess led you to the end that was entirely meant for me. I can't stand seeing you here, because that only reminds me that you died to save me. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry..."

Regina put one hand on Robin's face and gasped because it felt like a wave of electricity under her fingers. He felt it, too. They looked deeply into each other eyes but neither one of them could understand it.

"I don't know how you appeared on the field, but this..." They both were feeling the energy dancing between Regina's palm and Robin's cheek. "This is more than love. I know that now. This is magic."

Robin looked at her again, this time something knew has crossed his mind. Until now he thought the woman he met was a bit crazy to say the least. But he couldn't deny what he was feeling when she was touching him.

"Anyway." Regina smiled again, this time to herself. She knew how she must have sounded to Robin. "I just want to say I'm sorry. And I'm so grateful for what you did, even if your life is worth so much more than mine. I don't give a damn if you're fake or not, I know it's selfish but I needed to have this one last time."

Then she kissed him with all the love and passion she had. And he didn't even hesitate. Not now. It just felt to natural and familiar to him that he started to wonder... that maybe...

Regina was crying again, this time the frown on her face came from the fact she wanted to remember every detail of that kiss. One last kiss that from now on she would be able to rewind play back in her head every day for the rest of her life. This is how she wanted to remember him. Kissing her, not as a cold ghost dying on her behalf.

All of a sudden, a powerful wave of force was built between them. Before she could know, the magic escaped their lips and spread all around them. It felt like a strong wind, which ruffled her hair a bit.

Her lips left his as he closed his eyes. She watched him closely, still not quite sure what happened.

He opened his eyes very slowly, as if he suddenly had so much on his mind he barely could see. He touched his head with his hand and slowly looked up.

In reality, it lasted a few seconds but for Regina it felt like forever.

"Regina?" he said, looking at her frowning. Like someone awaken from a very long sleep.

Regina opened her mouth.

"Regina... what...? Where are we?"

She couldn't find the right words to express her feelings. He was surely playing with her, there's no way in hell he could sound so Robin-alike, so fucking familiar.

"Regina? Are you okay, honey? Why are you looking at me this way? How did I get here? Where's...?"

He touched his head again in pain, the memories were too much, he needed to focus.

"Oh my god, Hades... But how did I...?"

Regina still couldn't say a word. She covered her mouth with her hands.

"Regina?"

"Are you...?"

"Am I what? Love, you have to tell me what happened, I understand nothing."

"You remember." She said with a very high and emotional tone.

"Remember what?"

"Hades... Everything... Us. Robin, you were dead for weeks now. I... buried you."

"What?" He laughed.

"I BURIED YOU!" She hit him on the chest with a palm of her hand, she was weak, so he barely even felt it. She was crying so hard he needed to grab her arms to support her so she didn't fell. "Where are my kids? What the hell?" Robin finally started to realise what she tried to tell him. His eyes were wide open and he was scared.

"Regina?"

"They're fine, they're okay... Robin... I... I don't...."

She started crying again, already lost track of how many times she cried that day. He immediately embraced her and she buried her face in his chest.

"How?" She said through the tears, enjoying his smell and touch. This time it felt too real not to be true.

"Don't ask me, I was the one called "fake" here."

She laughed hysterically and looked into his eyes again. That stood like this for a longer while, both of them couldn't believe that what was happening was actually happening.

"Do you really hate me so much?" He smiled, taking a wisp of her hair from her face and putting it behind the ear.

"Yes. I swear to God if you leave me one more time, I'll..."

"I won't."

It still felt like a beautiful dream when they were walking back to the place of meeting with Emma. They never let go of each others' hands (Regina didn't think she could ever do that again), they didn't stop talking either.

But in the back of Regina's mind there were still questions that needed to be answered.

How was he alive and what brought him back. Truth be told, she already knew the answer, because she already experianced true love's kiss once with Henry. As much as she still thought those kisses are only Charmings' thing, and that she never really needed them to feel that their love was real, she must have admit that Robin woke up after their kiss and it was extraordinary to be able to say they shared something as least just as powerful and pure as Snow and David did. She, who's soul was darkened and hellbound for many years now, was capable of creating something so rare and beautiful. It was not something she has ever expected to recive.

When they finally found Emma they could see their own shock reflect in the blonde's eyes. They were in the tavern when it happened and the princess wasn't wearing royal outfit anymore, which let them blend in. They told her everything but she was still very doubtful.

"What is the last thing you remember, Robin?"

"I'm... um..." He wondered. "I remember Hades. I was trying to save my daughter... Then I have a couple of fake memories, but it's hard to tell them apart. I'm sorry, I..."

"It's okay." Regina stroked his hand gently. "It's okay you're here now."

"So what now?" He asked both of them.

"I didn't get a bean." Emma said. "I got something better."

The pulled something silver out of her bag and Regina reached her hand to make sure. That day everything seemed so annoyingly fake to her.

"My sister's shoes?"

"Silver slippers. I couldn't find Rumple in his castle but after a while I finally realised – this is my wish world! I just wished it and they appeared right in front of me. I don't know why I thought about them specifically but I think they're our best option, we can get home any second."

"So that's it." Regina looked at Robin and a not-so-confident smile, her eyes still quite wet. "Are you willing to take a chance on a new story?"

"New story sounds pretty good to me."

After Emma put on the slippers, they held her hand and she moved them to Storybrooke. It was quite a ride and Regina wasn't sure that Robin is allowed to cross realms now. This is why she decided to hold him even tighter, her hand just clinged to his and she was pretty sure she was close to crushing his bones.

But they did it. Not only they managed to get back to Storybrooke but Robin did not loose his memories and after they got back they found out the Evil Queen was defeated. Much to Regina's joy everything seemed to be too perfect to be real and it wasn't even the end.

First thing Robin did after getting back to their world was to find his children. In the meantime Emma came to check out on their little family and talk to Regina.

"Everyone's pretty much still in shock, the Merry Men are throwing some kind of party in the town hall, you might wanna take a look..."

"I don't care." She said, not taking her eyes of Robin playing with Roland on the floor. Her jaw hurt from smiling, but she couldn't stop. She wouldn't ever stop.

"I'm sorry." She added after a while but Emma wasn't offended at all anyway. "I just really don't. Just look at them. And Zelena's bringing little one for the evening. I never thought this little family could feel so perfect."

"Maybe one day it's gonna get even bigger..."

"Oh, stop it." Regina laughed. "I already have more than I deserve, why would I...?"

She stopped talking when she saw Emma was smiling at her like crazy. She looked down and she saw a little phial in her hand filled with a clear liquid.

"What's that?" She asked carefully.

Emma could help but laugh.

"Okay, I didn't want to throw it at you because you already had too much on you for the past 24 hours but I couldn't keep it from you any longer."

"Emma, tell me what this is..."

The blonde held up the thing in her hand to take a closer look at it.

"You know, the fake world may seem fake but magic is just as real as it gets there. I just happened to come across the Lake Nostros on my way to Rumple and guess what, it was filled with water."

"Oh my god... Are you saying?"

"It's yours. Yes." Emma handed it to Regina who seemed to look at it but her eyes were blind.

"But... I don't understand. Why is everything suddenly going right in my life?"

"I do."

"What?"

"It's kind of funny, and may not be true, but me and my dad both agree it had to have something to do with it."

"Well?" Regina's eyebrows went up.

"He actually made a wish to Aladdin when I was gone. If I get it right it goes like "I wish the queen got everything she deserves". This is why The Evil Queen is now a snake."

"And you think this is connected how? I don't follow."

"It's not up to me to judge, but I'm pretty sure the universe decided you deserve to be happy for one in your life." The blonde laughed again and got up, leaving Regina alone with her thoughts.

That's new, she thought. But there's got to be another explanation on Robin's return, because Emma's theory was simply impossible. Anyone but not her. She was hellbound, she was doomed, anyone who crossed path with her ended up dead of suffering. How could she get it all from a single wish? Let alone it was Charming's wish.

And yet, in the back of her head there was still a little voice telling her: what if?

"You okay?"

She didn't realise Robin was watching her from the ground.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You seem absent."

"Believe me..." She smiled and got down on the floor to him and Roland. She put her arms on his shoulders and looked deep into his eyes. "I've never been better."

And she meant it.

If she got what she deserved it turns out she deserves a lot more than she could ever hope for. Maybe someone was gonna take it away from her, maybe something is waiting behind the corner. Should she loose everything tomorrow, she was gonna enjoy every moment of today because she knew now that life is made of moments she had to appreciate.

Something told her this time it's gonna last longer, though. She looked at a small amount of liquid in her hand and hid it in her pocket. She didn't need more of anything at the moment, but it was still a nice thought.

And with that thought she entered their future, and that path looked brighter and a lot happier than the one she left behind.

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