#and she actually DIDNT know then I’d be telling on myself

[tayytayy12]

From the start | LN4 x Reader

Summary - Reader and Lando have been best friends for years, but reader slowly develops feelings for him, and didn’t want to tell him in fear that he wouldn’t feel the same and it would ruin their friendship forever, so she releases a song indirectly telling him everything, not knowing he’d always felt the same.

Warnings - Swearing

Type - SMAU

FaceClaim - Laufey

Requested - yes - no

Yourusername

Liked by - LandoNorris, GracieAbrams and 4,927,290 others - Posted 01.02.24

Yourusername - Studio sesh 😙

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User1 - OMG OMG OMG OMG

User2 - DOES THIS MEAN NEW MUSIC SOON ?!??!?

GracieAbrams - 💛

Yourusername - 🤍

User3 - She’s so adorable

User4 - Y/n I need whatever you made in that studio like right now pls

User5 - Oh Y/n I fear I can already tell you’ve ate

LandoNorris - HELLO WHY DIDNT I KNOW OF THIS ?

User6 - the first time she hasn’t told Lando something

Yourusername

Liked by - LandoNorris, TaylorSwift and 5,100,104 others - Posted 20.02.24

Yourusername - Surprise !!!!!!! My brand new single, ‘from the start’ is out right now! Along with its music video, written and directed by yours truly 😙 this song is unlike anything I’ve ever released before, it’s a complete and true raw reflection of all of my emotions, and I hope you love it like I do. I love you, enjoy 🤍

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User7 - OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

User8 - KNEW Y/N ERA INCOMING

User9 - THIS SONG IS EVERYTHING WHAT

User10 - The music video is so fun and goofy but somehow so deep at the same time, I love it sm 😭

User11 - Y/N WHO IS THIS ABOUT

User12 - FR SAME

User13 - YES LIKE, WHOS GOT OUR GIRL WRITING WHOLE ASS LOVE CONFESSIONS

User14 - Literally my new favourite song

User15 - Okay this is so about Lando

User16 - Girl what ?😭

User17 - I see their point, the lyrics point to all things that they’ve said about their friendship

User18 - Like what? 😭

User19 - Like ‘Listening to you harp on 'bout some new soulmate "She's so perfect, " blah, blah, blah’ Y/n has said so many times that sometimes Lando just sits there and says everything about the new girl he’s talking too and it bores her to death, I’d say that’s good enough proof 😭

Y/n.Nation

Liked by - User20, LandoNorris and 83,290 others - Posted - 23.02.24

Tagged | @/Yourusername

Y/n.Nation - Y/n was the guest on the Jimmy Fallon show last night !!!! She debuted from the start with its first ever live performance, then done her interview where she revealed that her new hit is about someone very very close and personal to her, her words were-

“From the start for me, is like a one of those letters that people write and throw into the fireplace just to get their emotions out there, but instead of writing a letter and throwing it into a fire I wrote a song and gave it to my fans. Which for me is kind of the same thing, they’re incredibly supportive and loving and I couldn’t be more grateful for them, every single one of them I love with my whole heart. This song is about something that I’ve been keeping to myself for maybe ten years now? Since I was still really young. God that makes me sound old, but it’s about someone I’ve known and been extremely close to since I was a child. And I think when you’re so close with someone, feelings like the one I’ve presented in the song can completely ruin a friendship if they’re unrequited, but the other day I decided it was time for me to ‘man up’ as my mum would say, and I went to the studio, I wrote and recorded the song and shot the video, and I just released it and I let my music do the talking. I’ve still not heard anything from the person I’ve aimed it too, so if I don’t get one I suppose that’s my answer to my ‘confession of love’ that I brought up at least seven times in the song.”

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User21 - Y/n told me she loves me

User22 - I’m crying this is so cute but a teeny bit sad at the same time

User23 - She actually lets us read her diary 🥲

User24 - Oh it’s so about lando 🥲

User25 - It’s so obvious I’m gonna cry

User26 - LANDO ANSWER HER RN

User27 - ‘Since I was really young’ she really has loved him from the start

User28 - Okay this relationship is a need now please

User29 - same it’s not even a joke anymore

User30 - Lando it’s in your hands now do the right thing

User31 - LANDO LIKED THAT HAS TO BE GOOD

LN.Updates

Liked by - Yourusername, user32 and 89,191 others - Posted - 25.02.24

Tagged | @/LandoNorris

LN.Updates - Lando on a podcast recently!!! He never addresses Y/n by name, but I think we’d be right in assuming that’s who’s he’s talking about

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User33 - MY LANY/N HEART HAS BEEN GROWING THIS PAST WEEK

User34 - I need someone who looks at me the way Lando looks whenever Y/n is mentioned

User35 - WE ALL DO

User36 - HE FEELS THE SAME HE FEELS THE SAME

User37 - Y/N LIKED OMGGG

User38 - Gonna die

User39 - I need them together right now

User40 - All the Lany/n haters right now are hiding

User41 - As they should be

LandoNorris

Liked by - Yourusername, OscarPiastri and 2,008,99 others - Posted - 22.04.24

Tagged | @/yourusername

LandoNorris - Just thinking of youuuuu 🤍🤍

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User42 - EVERYBODY WAKE UP LANY/N HAS BEEN CONFIRMED

User42 - SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP

User43 - RIP ME

User44 - WHY THE FUCK DID IT TAKE YOU TWO MONTHS TO CONFIRM THIS

LandoNorris - We was in a funny mood, we’ve been together since the day after that podcast 🫠

User45 - SHUT THE FUCK UP

User46 - So, before the even confirmed their relationship, they’ve been on a boat trip, she’s been to races, AND they’ve gone to the beach while we all through that they wasn’t together

User47 - The from the start lyrcis 😩

Yourusername - That was a great coffee

LandoNorris - I made a cute hard launch post and you focus on the coffee you had over a month ago?

Yourusername - It was a really good coffee 🥲

LandoNorris - I’ll buy you more

Yourusername - I love youuu 🥲

LandoNorris - I love you more 🤍

User48 - I’m going to sleep on the highway

Yourusername

Liked by - LandoNorris, GracieAbrams and 2,991,295 others - Posted 22.04.24

Tagged | @/LandoNorris

Yourusername - When I say from the start, I really mean it 🤍

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User49 - This is the kind of love I NEED.

LandoNorris - I love you, I always have

Yourusername - Funny, I could say that same thing. I love you so much more

LandoNorris - Impossible

User50 - This is why I wish my mum had a best friend with a son, cause this is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Liked by author

———

[lesbianstarlightglimmer]

Okay going to get myself run over now

[neon-atrocities]

I literally cannot shut up, it is just not possible, so I wanted to talk about the Wilbur Soot allegations, and how i personally feel about them. I tend to have slightly varying opinions, so don’t expect to much from me.

If you all are familiar with Wilbur Soot, then you know he admitted to abusing his GF in the form of biting.

In addition clips are resurfacing of him showing clear signs if extreme anger at Tommy who seemed to have taken his things without asking though I didn’t fact check that.

More instances, such as Techno’s parents persisting that Wilbur had “pelted” (idk what that means) his bad arm while he was alive. Supposedly, Techno had said it was fine. This was not fact checked by me either.

Now to preface this, HIS ASS IS GUILTY!! I don’t want anyone thinking I think otherwise. But where things cannot be excused (bcs they shouldnt), there is room for explanation.

I honest to god think his autism, while NOT an excuse, is a huge part. A mixture of not respecting other boundaries and not having his boundaries respected is the likely result of a lot of this.

Wilbur isn’t a child. Clearly, as he felt the need to apologize, he knew what he did was wrong at some point.

I’m going to be disgustingly honest and say I too have hurt people without realizing it. I was horribly unsocialized and also bit my first boyfriend too. It was like every time I was “playing” I was blind for a moment, just happy and smiling. In fact, it was this whole abuse allegation that made me realize what I’d done was wrong and I am nineteen fucking years old.

I have already written myself as a bad person, as Wilbur has had done to him too.

I’d playfully hit and wouldn’t realize people didn’t like it until they screamed at me.

And god help anyone I felt wasn’t respecting me. I was, and still am, the most enraged person on this planet.

But as I said, I know I am quite bad. But i wouldn’t have EVER improved if I didn’t have the time to heal by myself.

If I had people whispering and yelling down my back everyday talking about how horrible I am with no way to explain or show how I felt at the time or how that came to be, I’d have continuously pushed the idea that I didnt do enough wrong to deserve it.

All of this to say, Wilbur did wrong, he needs to figure out how to make it right, and we need to stop pushing such concentrated hate onto him. Telling him he’s wrong or bad is one thing but I’ve seen paragraphs about how he should end it and that is actually insane.

On the other hand, Shelby has done very good and been very brave. I am very proud of her!! It must’ve very scary going against someone with so much support.

It is never the responsibility of the abused to protect their abuser, regardless of how they function. Even if everything I’ve said applies perfectly to Wilbur, Shelby has always been in her right to do what she did.

I’m likely going to delete this at some point, as it’s embarrassing, but I wanted to be fair and honest on how I felt personally on the situation.

Thank you for reading! 🤍

[mattsobvimyfav]

For sport (Matthew Sturniolo & Chris Sturniolo)

Pt 3

A.n - hey yall so this is gonna be a very very very slow burn I already have some chapters written so I will probs rapid fire. It will be toxic, there will be angst , smut , everything you can possibly think of. It happens.

t.w. - mention of toxic parents and body image.

Not really proof read either.

——————————————————————————

Y/N’s POV

I pulled into my mother’s house dreading walking in. I turned off my car grabbing my phone and backpack. “How was the first day of classes, Have any homework?” My mother. Straight to the point. I’ve always heard how other mothers radiate love and happiness. Lucky them. Mine radiates anger and uneasiness. “No, it was the first day.” I say grabbing a water out of the fridge and turning towards her. “I dont need the attitude go to your room” I rolled my eyes and walked to my room, grateful I was sent there and did not have my door taken off its hinges… again…

I changed into shorts and a cropped top and opened my phone seeing Matthew still had me added I decided to add him back expecting nothing to come out of it. I was correct in assuming that because after a three-hour nap, I woke up to a couple of snap chats from my streaks and texts from Haylee.

Haylee-

4:32

How is it?

5:20

Did she take your phone again?

6:13

Ill assume that or your sleeping, ill wait and see.

Y/N-

7:38

Noooo i got sent to my room, and took a nap. I’m gonna pick out a cuter outfit tmrw

Oh yeah and mattaddedmeonsnapchat

Haylee-

7:39

WHAT?!! Has lindsy threatened your life yet?

I decided to just FaceTime with her because, if you know me, you know, I hate texting and would much rather just talk on the phone. She immediately picks up as I give her the run down of how he added me when I got in my car and decided she would help me pick out my outfit for the following day.

We had decided since I wore such an unflattering outfit the first day, I’d wear something that showed off my figure a little more. I didn’t waste 12 years of soccer and at the gym to noto show off what I worked so hard to succeed. We stayed on the phone for the next two hours trying to decide on a color for my homecoming dress, our school had homecoming, snowball, a spring formal, and prom. So homecoming was pretty early into the year.

Once we hung up I made myself a quick sandwich before getting in the shower and getting ready for bed, day two of classes is usually when they actually buckle down and start teaching.

I woke up the next morning, washing my face and brushing my teeth before letting my hair hang loose in its natural state, wavy straight basically just a mess, and put on my outfit. I threw on a pair of black gym shark leggings and a forest green cropped crew neck with some blazers. I never was one to wear jeans literally ever so this was about the best you’d get out of me until summer came along. I grabbed my backpack and checked my phone to see Haylee texting me asking what I would want from dunkin. I quickly responded and threw my phone into my waistband walking out to see my mom in her usual spot on the recliner.

“I’m going to school.” I stood in the entry of the living room looking at her “Are you sure your skinny enough for that outfit?” I scoffed rolling my eyes and walking out of the house. My mom was a real charmer you see, I was skinny. I was very fit. I worked really hard since I was a bigger kid and my mom would make fun of me. I let her words roll off my back now knowing I did look good and I did not need her to tell me whether I did or didnt.

I plugged my phone in and started to listen to the neighborhood as I peeled off heading to school, I was about fifteen minutes early as I parked next to Haylee turning off my car and hoping into hers.

“Good morning my peach” I said as I grabbed the bagel she had got for me.

“Good morning, what is on the schedule for today. Leaving early?” I shook my head no, “This is when Ill be assigned work so Ill stay late for the week and friday we will leave early” she nodded as we sat on our phones finishing our breakfast. We had lost track of time, the bell rining snapping us back to reality. We walked in with our bags and drinks in hand.

“Dad’s tonight?” she asked as I grabbed my first two classes books and notebooks out.

“Yeah. mom basically called me fat this morning so I’ll be there if you wanna come” She smilled nodding before pulling me a pencil out of my locker placing it on my books and walking away. She knew me well enough to know I would forget it.

Math was easy per usual. I accidentally took a nap the second period of english. That was okay though because that meant it was time for lunch. I grabbed my dollar bills and made my way to the vending machine getting a bubbly drink and a bag of chips. I walked into the lunchroom taking a seat at my friend, Olivia’s table.

“Y/N we missed you this summer.” She said wrapping her arms around me

“Yeah squirt” Olivias boyfriend followed behind, Nate, They had been dating since the first week of freshmen year and I loved them both deeply.

“I know, me and Haylee went up and down the whole state this summer” I smiled before opening my bag of chips. Lunch was filled with talking nonsense and giggling at each other until the bell rang. Olivia gave me a hug before walking away, she was like a literal ray of sunshine over me.

I took my seat placing my books down for my last four periods of the day as Matthew walked in just as the bell rang and shot me a smirk, I rolled my eyes at him before shoving my stuff to the side and sending Haylee a quick text asking to go shopping after school.

“Alright class, Since its the begging of your senior year I decided to make this assignment easy for you and you will be working in partners. I hated school even more when partners were involved. Our teacher started reading off names once he finally got to me “Y/N and….” He said glancing around the room “Matthew!” I immediately head planted into the desk annoyed, I had gone three successful years in none of his classes and keeping out of Lindays b-line of terror.

Matthew pulled up a chair next to me “Alright, I dont want to do any work this period so I say we do it tonight and Ill just text you” I agreed seeing as not the smalled part of me wanted to participate either. “I dont know what time Ill be home, me and Haylee are going shopping” I said looking down at my phone “Shopping for what” He asks “Hoco dress” I kept scrolling through the online shop as he nodded looking back at his phone,

The bell finally ring sending us to gym, I asked my gym teacher if I could go grab some work I needed to complete from my shop and she let me go, that was a lie, there just wasnt a single part of me wanting to go to gym.

I sat with Mr. Reynolds for the remainder of gym while he questioned me on the state of my eye, the left only a little yellow still and the right still bruised. The bell rang singnaling I had to head to biology. I said goodbye to my favorite teacher and made my way to class.

Walking in I noticed Mattheew already sitting, I decided to take this time to really look at him. He was wearing a black T-shirt and Haylee was not lying one of his amrs completely covered in patch work. He had on black cargo pants, his hair messy, and his stubble still growing in.

“You know its rude to stare” Matt said snapping me back to reality taking a seat a couple over from him “In your dreams” Just as I thought one sturniolo per class was enough I was bombarded to see Christopher walking in sitting inbetween me and Matt. I didnt dislike chris. He was funny enough and nice to me whenever we spoke, which was quiet alot because we were in the same shop “Hey pickle. Heard about the party. If you want Ill be the shit out of that guy” Chris said smirking at me. I giggled at him at the fact he still calls me pickle only Mr. Reynolds and Chris do that. “Its fine Chris. Ill be okay” Matt stared at us as me and Chris talked.

Once the class was over I started packing up my stuff “Hey you going to Homecoming?” Chris asked as I was putting my bag over my shoulder “Yeah, why?” I looked at him confused. “Go with me. I dont have a date so it should be fun” I took a minute to think before figuring who would it hurt “Sure Ill text you the color i pick out later” He gave me a quick side hug as he ran off towards the doors. “Ill text you tonight” was all Matt said before also walking out the door. I stood there waiting for Haylee because I couldnt possibly wait to tell her I had found a homecoming date. Even if it was only chris he was one of the more attractive guys in our grade so I was happy my pictures would come out good.

Tag -

@worldlxvlys

[leclerced]

before i head to bed—i absolutely agree. i think with max heavily involved for the rbr!driver au, lestappen would fit and then for the ferrari driver!au it strictly just charles. also a name would work perfectly to tell the difference! I sorta like Bones as a name (chosen name) but name is up for discussion! but me thinks having such an unique name would help, also because Bones sounds so like deathly and like somebody you'd associate with goth/emo group but then this happy wild card driver is bouncing around talking anybody's ear off is HYSTERICAL to me.

Also LESTAPPEN RIVALRY YES PLEAAAASE.

(imma stick with Bones for the time being as the name): Like Bones genuinely is confused when Max is so upset and pissy that she got with charles because yeah they hate each other but bones is like ‘?? we’re not fucking?? why are you so pissed???’ But Bones being a little shit i would die for. Bones just happily lets him take a picture and send it to charles and is actually excited to see the outcome because hello, two of the most popular drivers are like fighting over her. she’s allowed a bit of an inflated ego with that. she’s so happy-go-lucky, sunshine, always sweet & caring (unless charles but even still) to the public so nobody in a million years would expect her to be a little shit and sorts fueling a fire like this. especially when charles texts her asking what the fuck are those hickies on her thighs and demanding answers from max because ‘thought you guys weren’t fucking?? what changed??’ and probably making it his mission to not only get back at max but make sure bones remembers who they fucked first

and hell, to really add fuel, she’d probably wear a skirt with knee highs that are just a bit too big on her so she’s gotta have garter belts on to keep them up but part of the hickies are showing and she’s just “lalala” and maybe some people are bold enough to ask but she shrugs it off like “nothing! don’t worry bout silly clumsy me!” but she knows max and charles knows exactly what they are.

this fire is rapidly spreading between the two and bones just somehow in the middle but also on the sidelines roasting marshmallows straight vibing because they’re secretly a little shit who likes chaos and like maybe i’ve already thought of bones history which involves a really shitty ex and this is the first time they’ve felt wanted by anybody, let alone two guys like max and charles soooo.

if you’ll allow, i can ramble bout bones history tomorrow >:) also when i get around to forcing myself to update my blog (the thought tires me out LMAO) and really flesh this out, would you be down to be tagged in the post since we’ve been rambling nonstop bout it? 👀👀-🐈‍⬛

omg hi sorry i didnt answer this last night i finished baking at 11 pm n passed out 🥺

im not a big fan of the nickname bones bc i have watched the show bones a million times and it makes me think of decaying bodies so .. tbh its a turn off.

u can tell me ur idea ab her histroy but i have an idea ab it too but its opposite kinda ! i kinda want her to be someone who never committed to anyone, she fully committed to racing and never dated because media already spoke so much about her love life. idk what other countries are like but i can totally imagine her being american and it’s prom season so all her friends back home are getting asked to the dance, going dress shopping, and she’s on the other side of the world in a racing championship. interviewers keep asking her if she’s sad about missing out on prom and all crossing the stage for her high school graduation, and she’s just like “well considering i’m currently first in a fight for the f3 championship, i’d certainly rather be here fighting for this trophy than a prom queen sash.” very independent and always shoots down questions about her love life and is like “i don’t hear you asking anyone else that, why are you asking me?” or completely ignoring them until someone’s like “hey they asked you a question.” she just shrugs and says, “i’ve already said i’m not going to answer questions about my personal life. ask me about the race, or the car.”

maybe was fwb with a driver from another team in the past or even a past teammate so it’s kind of a comfortable dynamic to fall into with charles and max. she loves the chaos. she def loved pitting them against each other before the whole hickey fiasco, but when she fucks max and he leaves those hickeys on her thighs, it only gets worse. i can imagine if they’re in the same hotel charles could come banging on max’s door.

[bluenpjm]

HORUS ACADEMY CH.5 !

— to the writers @singguks @socksjini @bluenpjm, our comments and theories (MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

from @magicshopew: the ending was a HUGE cliff for me !! and this time around i have no clue to who elena is going to point out to be you !! i agree that tzuyu was very extra shady in that library scene .. but i doubt that if, BIG IF, you is indeed her, she would do it all by herself . 

onto the fights because omg i lost my sh*t over the ones we got this chapter - someone protects our baby JK !! he wasnt ready for that throw down kajhjkjshd elena was feral and kaya girl o-o i didnt know you had it in you !! freya and namjoon were juggling like clowns jhdsj it was too funny omg 

jin bestie .. i love you . what to even say !! i was living my best life every time he made an intervention jskhdak 

pairings - sh*t will hit the fan if freya doesnt tell her secret to our homeboy JK let me just say !! their scenes were precious and i was in rage when mingyu showed instead .. kaya girl again .. OMG !! the library scene once again got me »»» and we all know what ship is sailing when it comes to tae ajhdsgkagd 

* additional * was it only me or anyone missed archie as well ? i was waiting for drama boy-ihhh kjashdkjahds 

from @dropsofjoonpiter: ok i actually suck when trying to guess who the culprit is. but i do feel in my gut it's not tzuyu the real you... LISTEN! i know, she's sus, but i feel she is an informant? for the real you. and my best guess is the real you is from that little group that got jungkook tied to the tree! 

i won't even say much about this chapter be the bomb because cmon. it was so well written! the fights seemed real. i could actually picture the whole thing as if i was a student in horus kkkkkk 

my fave this chapter got to be either jimin whining all the time and uhm??? breaking a lamp!!! OR yoongi was pretty badass and funny kkkk not him telling on tae kkkkkkk 

the romance was over the roof period. i don't even have a fave, they all served different things for me and i'm here for it 🤍

from @rcseluv: I AM SHOCKED. that's my take on this chapter. 

like Kook points out I don't even want to know who You is. I just want to know when are they all dating!!!!! 

if I was studying there, I'd be checking my socials every second and I would thrive liking Elena's responses ahahah if I was in their shoes I don't think I would have the courage though! just imagine the whole school knowing stuff about you? yikes! 

and I really think Tzuyu could be You. she is roommates with Freya right? it's really possible. and the way she looked at Namjoon with Kaya!!! that was creepy af. 

Jimin and the teacher got me on nerves as soon as I started reading. I don't like Miss Bellum no matter how much he comes to her rescue... Mingyu was cute but eh... I'd rather ship Freya with Yoongi if Kook isn't her endgame. 

MAZE SCENE got me cryingggg! they are precious together. I'm happy I was right about Kaya's ship ahaha the tea reference... Ugh! perfect together. 

and can we talk about how everyone was running from Tae this chapter? ahahaahah I died. Elena was the only one hanging with him!!! even Freya was like omg my twin is too much ahahahahahaha 

from @investigativelewis: You're hearing from me first but now that I think about it Tzuyu is not YOU. 

What if Miss Bellum is the one?! I bet on her or Bambam. Because picture this: Miss Bellum was with Jimin the whole time apparently (ew.) and we all know Jimin is a lose mouth (well I'm assuming) so I don't know... Maybe I just don't trust the woman. But for Bambam it actually makes sense. He did do that thing with Jk and then when the fight started between Jimin and Archie he was the one inciting the whole thing... And Tzuyu is from his gang, that was written so. 

Apart from that, the writting was ten out of ten. The fights were amazing!!! And I really wish we could get a tv series out of this because I pictured the whole school and it seems DREAMYYYYY! I can't stop myself from imagining cute dates between them... And the girls running away from Horus? Omg. They for sure know all the cool spots there, as confirmed by our queen Kaya. 

I just loved this chapter too much! Made me want to go back to school myself ahaha didn't you feel that? That scene where they are all dozing off and then someone picks up their phone is just a throw back to my days in school. It was really nice! 

from @narimiese: I am so~ lost after this one. Omo. I really thought you would be Archie,, but after this chapter Im not so sure anymore~

But thats not the important part 🤣🤣 What matters is when all the ships will be sailing~ One is! But the other two are rocky,,,, I really liked seeing Kaya and Joon~ They were too cute with each other! I fear for Hobis reaction but he will have to take it as it is I dont care~ 🤣

The tea scene was really really cute. I loved it~ And Freya omo... I was so sad for her after classes,, She seems to connect so well with Jeongguk and he doesnt move! Its frustrating~ 🤣

Elena was not having it,, And I really liked her part with Yoongi~! 

Do you think Archie will let that thing at the games just be..? I was waiting him going after the Wolves 🤔

ADD YOUR THOUGHTS HERE IN THE COMMENTS ( IF YOU WANT TO ) 

↓ ↓ ↓

[atinyniki]

teaser 'good enough' : one.

background info: main character is maya. aalia is maya's little sister. maya and aalia sleep in the same bed. HUGE TW.

a/n: this is kind of very sad btw... its not a fanfic though ! its a story. i hope the finished product will be as good as my actual fics.

teaser wc: 890

TW: suicidal themes, mentions of abuse, trauma, neglect, mentions of a miscarriage, loss of a loved one

two decades later, yet everything has changed. maya’s grown a lot now, trying her best to use her trauma for good. 

she’s become mildly successful with her writing, but as time went on, she’s lost motivation. 

she’s lost the support of her family. she’s lost her friends. and now it feels like she’s lost the one thing that makes her happy.

so she thinks about it. for the first time since seventh grade, her sick mind puts those terrible thoughts into her head. no one wants her, so why is she here?

she walks into the bathroom, the one she’s used for the past four years, looking for something. just something that could help her do this.

until she’s called for bed.

aalia yells out for her, so she stops herself, stepping into the bedroom after getting ready. she wants to leave, but she can’t.

but it would be so much better without her, wouldn’t it?

they both lay down in the bed, but maya makes a mistake. a mistake that she has made one too many times, clearly. aalia slaps her in the face, unamused by mayas stupid attempt to ‘tickle’ her. 

but it was truly unintentional. she couldn’t say anything else, only shutting herself up and laying down.

and she thinks about it once more, ending it all. but this isn’t right. so she takes out her phone, typing out a number into her search engine.

988.

she clicks on the chat option, filling out the required information. and then she gets a response.

his name is asher, she finds out.

this is crazy, why had it even gotten up to this point? asher asks what’s wrong, as his job entails. and then it all pours out.

that’s okay though, right? isn’t that the point of this entire website?

minutes pass, and mayas already started crying. she tries her best to hide it for her sisters sake, but these messages aren’t helping at all.

and then she confesses. she confesses something she has never confessed before. something she had never even thought about until now.

maya: in 2007, my mother was due for a baby boy. he was stillborn. his name was manik. when she told me, i felt guilty. i felt guilty for giving my mother all these complications, so many that she couldn’t bear another child. she had always wanted a boy. maya: in fifth grade, i made a journal dedicated to him. i’d talk to him every single day through there, just to tell him how sorry i was that i couldn’t be enough. and how i know that he’d be so much better than who i am now. maya: i think it’s changed me a lot, even though i didn’t think about it until now. every time i don’t live up to my parents’ or sister’s standards, i just feel guilty. i don’t know how to deal with myself anymore.

yes, that was a lot to get out. but it’s something she has never gotten out before. of course there’s going to be a lot of hidden feelings about it. she didnt even know how much it was affecting her until she spoke about it.

asher: im sorry this is being placed on your shoulders. you don’t deserve that. it’s hard to walk in someone’s shadows all the time. 

and the words from fifth grade come back to maya. she thinks about what her mother said after she found the journal. no comforting, of course not.

‘you’re a good writer’

and she is, which is why she started her blog in the first place. but over the holidays, she’s lost motivation. that’s not okay. 

writing is the only think that makes maya feel like she’s worth it. so what will happen now that she’s lost the one thing that makes her happy?

maya: my mom read the journal one day, because i failed to hide it. instead of comforting me, she told me that i was a good writer. and i believed her. i started writing on a blog about things id like in life, something i hadn’t thought much about before. i love writing a lot. maya: but now it’s just so scary. i’ve lost all my motivation. i’ve lost my ability to do the one thing i love and now i feel worthless. i’m nothing without my writing, without my ideas.

then comes a sudden wave of sadness, something she’s never felt experienced before. not because of this.

asher only does his job, comforting her through this process. maya is grateful for him of course, he’s an amazing person. then, asher suggests something.

asher: maybe you could try writing as a way to get these feelings out? it helps to you to journal some things, in case you have no one else to tell.

and then it hits her. an idea. motivation.

asher gives her some resources, and she finally ends the chat about twenty minutes later. she opens her files, quickly checking the screenshots of her conversation with asher.

she thinks about what to write, what she should name it. and then she thinks about herself. who is she?

who is she to her family, her friends, the world? and then she figures it out. she’s the girl who will never be worth it.

she’s the girl that will never be good enough.

[first-edition]

Breaking Seasons

Spencer reid x reader fanfiction

Updates every Tuesday and Thursday.

Read the previous chapter here

Chapter 5

Summary- When y/n takes her sick friends criminology class to take notes in the winter, she meets the guest speaker, BAU-FBI agent Spencer reid. After getting to know more about each other due to a college school related case, that ends up involving y/n herself, they naught just have each to keep warm.

Cw- This chapter contains sexual themes such as heavy petting, kissing, touching and leaving hickies. However not actually sex occurs.

STORY BEGINS UNDER THE CUT

                                 ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The entire night spencer stayed with you. Holding you in your bed the entire night eventually falling asleep in his arms. Even then he didn't leave he just slept along side you. The morning came a gloomy day as rain cloud covered the sky. Snow falls clouding and frosting up your windows. Not allowing much light to come in as usual. 

Your eyes open as you're met with Spencer's brown ones he moves hair out of your face. 

"Morning." He says softly you burry your face into his chest hearing his light heart beat. He hugs you tighter. 

"Im sorry." He says which only makes your eyes tear up. You pull away from him and get up pulling the blanket off the bed and wrapping it around your self  walking out only to trip and fall landing of the ground. You huff and begin to cry the feeling of loosing your best friend hitting all a over again. Spencer Immedetly gets up and goes to you picking you up in his arms sitting on the ground with you in his lap hugging you. 

———

You sit on the couch as the news plays in the background high snow patterns and roads are closed in the local area your phone chimes signally classes are canceled not like you were gonna go anyway. Spencer who walks into the room from a shower and extra comfy clothes he had in his go bag. 

"Are you sure you're gonna stay your team needs you." You say. 

"No hot hotch texted me the others are held up in the hotel if they need me i have my lap top they can call." He says sitting next to you.

"Im sorry." He says 

"You need to stop that..stop apologizing you didn't do it. Your not the reason." You say drinking your coffee. 

"Thank you though... for spending the night with me. You didn't have to do that." You continue.

"Studies show that loved ones after another loss are prone to self harm weather is drinking drugs, or even cutting to killing themself i um...I didn't want you to be alone-" 

"Because you thought I'd hurt myself." 

"Becuase I care about you...I didn't like seeing you hurting" he says you put your head on his shoulder. 

"Thanks." you say he nods to you putting his head on yours. Your phone buzzes on the table another text from your ex. 

You take your phone and turn it to do not disturb. 

"Why don't you block him?" Spencer asks. 

"He works for my dad i need it as a backup contact" you say "spence.." 

"Hmm?" 

"Tell me something good." 

"Okay Nutmeg is a hallucinogen. The spice contains myristicin, a natural compound that has mind-altering effects if ingested in large doses." He says 

You chuckle "something good not weird."

"Made you smile though didnt it?" He says looking at you. 

"Tell me something about you you haven't told me yet." You say 

"Hmm I have a large burn scar on the back of my thigh and shoulder blade becuase of a bomb went off behind me and I fought on fire." He says 

"A bomb when off so close to you your got burned?" You asked concerned. 

"Yes a man had hacked our computer system through a game and we went after him and he'd set off a bomb. I'm sorry perfectly fine. I also got shot in the knee" He says 

"Wh-what!?" You say moving more to look at him involuntary putting you hand on his thigh.

"Y-yeah. I'm fine though" he says feeling your touch. He may have a germ thing but never with you. 

"Don't get shot again." You say he chuckles and nods.

"Yeah I'll um I'll try not to." He smiles

Once again you're caught admiring his features his light stubble. Curly brown hair falling slightly in his face that he pushes back when he talks. His brown eyes, soft cheeks,  and his lips those perfect lips.

He catches you starring at him he smiles his smile softens as he notices your features as you look at him. Your eyes move up to his and locks. 

"Can I kiss you." He says. He sit up a bit pulling back. 

"You're not supposed to ask." You reply.

He chuckles. "Sorry I don't really know if I c-" you cut him off pressing your lips against his kissing him. His lips catch yours and his hand rests agains your cheek keeping you too him. He inhales you sent of your sweet body wash and shampoo as he deepens the kiss moving his other hand down you waist. You move your arm around his neck. He pulls you up into his lap as you straddle him. 

Opening your mouth to breath ensures him a perfect path you slip his tongue in your mouth. Sloppily kissing you as you kiss him back. His hands grip your waist moving underneath you oversized shirt only now realizing that you're still pants less in your underwear. His hands travel up your back. Your finger wander is hair messing it up. 

Soon they move to his chest and down to the hem of his sweat pants slightly lifting his shirt feeling his torso of abs. He hisses into you and chuckles on your lips. 

"Your hands are cold." He says you giggle as he lightly squeezes your hips. Wanting nothing more that to see you. You pull off his shirt and move away from his lips kissing his perfect jaw and neck so close to leaving marks yet being mindful of his line of work. So you leave two on his collar bone he chuckles at your eagerness. 

You move back out to his lips pecking them. Almost teasing him. He dips his head down into your neck leaving a few kisses and moving to look down to your chest slowly lifting your shirt awaiting the beautiful sight that will be your breasts, big small, uneven it dosnt matter to him he wants you. He's falling for you.

The loud ringing on his phone takes everything to a screeching halt. He huffs and puts his forehead against your chest annoyed with his job. 

"Fuck." He mumbles you laugh running your fingers through his hair. He looks up at you pouting.

"Im gonna go write my thesis paper." You say pecking his lips and getting off him so he can put his shirt back on and answer the oncoming FaceTime. As you walk into your room.

Read next chapter here

[mueritos]

hmngh. I have therapy today but Im going to bring up what I feel like are my autistic traits to my therapist. Inserting a read more cuz this got long, but if youre autistic, I would really appreciate some input/advice. This is just so long because I desperately am just searching for some sort of validation or anything really, but I guess its also practice to advocate for myself.

 She has said in past sessions that if I were autistic i’d be too “high functioning”, but I didnt have the knowledge or words or the introspection then to explain myself better. Ive been reading, taking lots of tests, watching a lot of videos, and reading up on autistic experiences. I relate to quite a bit of it and it has been both validating and equally as confusing. I keep doubting myself at every little thing, like doesn’t everyone feel like this? But i am an introverted possibly autistic person surrounded by friends who are extroverts with adhd, and the differences in our experiences has always been normal to me through the “introvert vs extrovert” perspective. Still, I wore my noise cancelling headphones to a music festival in my home town when out with friends and I felt like it really helped me calm down from the noise and the massive amount of people. Ive been letting myself rock when Im doing things, even if my mom points it out and tells me to stop. Ive been saying no to social gatherings for months now under the guise of “i have work to do”, but really its because I genuinely don’t know how to talk to people when its more than 3 of us in a gathering. I end up getting overwhelmed when people are talking over each other, and its always been worse when they’re drinking. I can handle my extrovert friends sober, but drunk is another story. Suddenly I feel the urge to cover my ears when someone says something a little too loud, I cringe when they speak over each other. I’ve had past experiences of people being excited/loud and I want to cringe from the noise and cover my ears, but I can’t because that would look rude. I don’t express myself the same way as others, and I am constantly confused by questions like “are you excited for __?” or “are you sad to be leaving ___?” No? I’m not, I genuinely don’t know what excitement feels like. I like when things have a start and an end, and I will never feel sad for something to end. I’ve stumped my friends and family when I told them I didn’t feel anything toward studying abroad, toward university, etc and etc. Sure I can feel momentary excitement and happiness, but it’s always been internal. I stress when I receive gifts because I worry I don’t look happy enough.

Like...it’s not normal for people to become irrationally angry or agitated when people burst into my room while Im drawing, right? It breaks my focus, and it’s so frustrating because now I can’t go back to what I was doing. I get irrationally angry when people express their happiness or excitement, because I don’t understand it. It confuses me, like why can’t you keep that inside like me? The last time I expressed true happiness was when I saw an email for a potential client, and I stared shaking my hands. It felt so good, but I would never do that in front of other people. “I’m excited” isn’t even part of my vocabulary is what I say often, but it’s true. It doesnt make sense to me to let everyone in the room know how im feeling. My emotions are very stagnant and I often don’t feel what I am actually feeling until theyre at extremes. I struggle with eating on time or if theres no routine. It’s why summer has always been the worst for me, because theres no longer classes or planned breaks for me to follow. I have mental schedules for each day and if they don’t get done or are disrupted, I get really upset because I expected for things to be done. I wasn’t always good at group work, and I had to learn really hard to be a good leader and not take control of everything. Most of my language and body language is based off what I learned from watching TV, and I remember struggling to be understood by others because of that and because of my speech impediment, which I still struggle with now. I remember getting in trouble in school over things that I thought were socially acceptable because I saw them being done in shows, like being “mean” to people. I followed rules very strictly and other kids found me annoying for it because I would snitch on them for it. I only really ever had one close friend up to high school, where thankfully I found a group of people who were just as weird and as queer as I was.

I constantly get asked if I’m okay because I look upset or sad. Apparently my RBF is that strong, because people have even been intimidated by me. I don’t look people in the eye when I am walking around, I kinda just stomp around because I’m faking being confident because I get so anxious by people staring at me. Eye contact has felt invasive for a long time, especially by strangers. I need large amounts of alone time to feel okay. The worst was when I was working 8am to 9pm for a BIPOC/Queer four day program for my campus. That was literal hell. I have never talked to so many people for so long in my life, and I hope I never have to ever again. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal for someone to get so socially exhuasted that you just withdraw completely. I couldn’t fathom speaking after a few hours, getting words out felt literally painful. All I could do when I got home was sleep and do it all over again. If someone tried talking to me when I got home, I was agitated and couldn’t control it. We had to take group photos and I couldn’t even fake a smile; my face muscles hurt and they began twitching. My inability to fake emotions has always been a problem, and Ive had facial twitching from trying to smile in the past during parties and other gatherings. I also feel like I hurt people when I tell them I dont miss them. I don’t think Ive ever felt like Ive missed anyone. I am perfectly fine on my own, and I think my independence makes other people feel like I dont love them. I struggle in romantic relationships because I feel like I dont show affection in a very traditional sense. Light touching feels awful, but when my boyfriends lays on top of me, it’s like I’m at peace and it feels awesome.

idk. I cud go on and on about this but my ignorance toward social situations, my sensory issues that I cant hide anymore, my difficulty with feeling emotions, and I suppose the way my intelligence was always used as a way to ignore all of these issues; it all has been catching up to me. Maybe it was the pandemic. I loved being at home, but the lack of routine made me depressed. I love wearing masks so people dont look at me and I can hide my deadpan face. Idk. Its just been a bit overwhelming lately as I let myself slowly be more in tune with whats happening. I dont know if i want an official diagnosis, but I guess I just want to feel like im not a freak for being different than my peers. Ive always felt behind them

If u read this far pheww thanks but now u know a lot more about my pysche than some of my friends haha. Its just been hard because my friends are starkly different than me, even if they are ND as well.

o well. guess ill figure things out

[tojisun]

sun sun! can u give me some advice? IF NOT U CAN DISCARD THIS IGNORE IT AND ILL UNDERSTAND!!!

how do u meet people and talk to ppl and go on a date or something w them? i sound like im an alien but im literally too socially anxious (im sociable and get along well w ppl, but struggle heavily with approaching), self-conscious, n inexperienced to know what to do. i wanna make new friends and potentially date someone :<

(also did u get my last message in response to ur reply? or did tumblr eat it like a poopyhead?)

my love omg i have no game whatsoever so i cant *really* help u. my confidence is the size of an apple which is already a lot for me tbh bc it has to contend with my anxiety so my days are a cesspool of “i can do this… but what if i cant” energy LMFAO 🥲

AND IM LITERALLY LIKE THAT TOO OMG like im sociable bc i get adopted by extroverts but i cant approach on my own. and if i do, i find myself having so little i can even talk about past the surface level questions :((

to add, my prev partners were all my friends so i never really had the experience of asking out people and then going on dates to see if we’re gonna work out 😭

although i started mimicking my extroverted friends! theyre not extrovert in the archetype way wherein theyre bubbly or just so energetic? but theyre so proactive in making the conversation going and cementing a bond!

since i think you and i are alike (wherein our issue lies on the approaching part), id let u know what i do instead of what they do!

i started pretending to have confidence in what i say. for example in school? my current school friend and i started hanging out bc i went up to them and went “hey, just wondering if u read the readings yet?” (and then we snowballed there teehee they did actually read it so thats cool as we were able to have a discussion about the topic but even when they didnt, i just end up steering the conversation to something ik we both know—the lecture! it was what started our friendship, but we also began to talk about other things until we were sharing our interests with each other!)

work? same thing! i start with work related topics (i work at a firm so it usually is always our clients hehehe) and then i’d invite them for coffee or lunch! im blessed to have coworkers close to my age which makes it a lot easier to poke on interests. i asked her if she’s seen this video on tiktok (it was something about that love surge couple i think) and she did so we were also able to expand our conversation out of work!

the highlight is that i bullshitted my confidence until it eventually started feeling normal :’)

im sorry that this isnt a sound advice :((

of course its still so important to stay true to yourself and im not telling u to be fake and to not be urself! but faking confidence i think is different bc, for me, its grappling with the hurdle (my anxiety) and training myself until im eventually used to it! im still not 100% the one taking the first step but when i do, im glad that i did :’)

(now for relationships… yea that i got nothing 😭 im so sorry)

but um yea! im sorry for the rambling. it just made me realize how much more work i need to put into myself too!

take care my love and i wish you the best and kindest and loveliest ever!!!

-

(i just checked and i received ur other ask!! im sorry, im kinda swamped rn so my responses have been going down the drain dhejjd but i’ll reply to it too! thank u sm for ur kindness and love <333)

[munv]

So, this is gonna be a long one Gang😞🙏🏿 get a snack or something caus ya girl is going all out.

So i met him 2 years ago or so right, in school, but the thing is i got his number and discord and we started talkin right

Pretty normal. But we like fell off and stopped talking the next year

So

Last year was it he found my tiktok (probably through contacts if you know the settings) and he started liking and reposting every video from my account.

So I reposted, he reposted

If I liked it, he would like it. And at some point it went to him tryna @ me in videos

But let me describe his character first. Glasses, tall from my point of view (I just reached 5 feet despite my big age,) and he’s pretty closed off. He has close friends that are my friends if ykwim

So after a while my friends who have known him longer than me started realizing what was going on. It was all giggles and laughs with him you know, the usual when we talked about the videos he also reposted and liked.

Then it started being a constant thing, so I’d check my notifications and 89% of them would be him. We never really talk that much about it at school but whenever we had classes I would turn to look around the room and he was just staring at me, and this would go on for months or so.

I would be taking notes for review, and my friend who I’ll call “T” would tell me to turn around because he’s looking at our direction. Then around christmas, well before christmas or maybe a month before we started going back to messaging each other.

Then the messages would escalate to saying goodnight, and good morning first thing, then he would heart my messages. Then we got into a lil “argument” which was a foolish one I got to say but then he refused to respond

So i felt bad and started messaging my friend who he also knows (she doesn’t go to our school but a different one with my other two friends)

And she messaged him bout it caus homegirl does NOT play around and stands on absolute business. And maybe im buggin out because you guys know im mad delusional but like…I see him sitting closer to me in class. He’s always one seat away or sitting directly in front of me.

At one point he sat next to me and our class is pretty big, so I thought “oh, maybe it just feels lonely because he sits on the other side of the classroom and stuff”

My friends threatened to beat me up by the way because I wasn’t noticing the signs and kept making up excuses for it.

So back on topic, he messages me during class and I check my phone, and look up and he’s sitting there as if he didnt just send me a message.

Which I forgot to mention after the “argument” I sent him a whole apology because I genuinely didn’t want to mess up what we were building for all those months. I realized after a while hes the type of guy who would stop talking to you and piss you off if he was really reallyyy upset with you, but also realized he’s kinda petty.

And the message he sent was talking about how he didnt understand on why I was apologizing and stuff but he was willing to talk out on why I thought he was upset with me and solve the tension.

With a attached video he sent twice by the way that stated I was cute.

Seeing this, I threw my phone and quickly picked it up before anyone noticed. Caus he IS NOT THE TYPE TO SEND THIS😭😭 and my friends who have known him for wayyyy longer informed me its not something he actually does because that means he must has taken some actual interest.

So

Thing solved right? Well theres more

His guy friends started teasing us about it and asking “when is the wedding” and calling me by his last name. And almost everyone kept on saying we were dating.

Now I was gonna take the bus home, but I wanted time to myself with people I actually like, and from some itty bitty posts you guys would know my parents aren’t exactly the best. (They suck shit)

So for half of that week I would stay in another teachers classroom who we all love. (He’s amazing)

And mr boy trouble was there too, he was staying late for a reason I didn’t know. Maybe to get work done or smt

And our friends were there too, so mid conversation they would pop in and start teasing us.

Then ONE fateful day, he sent me a portion of our argument on screenshot, and I was like “is this his way of saying he’s upset?” So i asked him and he left me on seen

But he doesn’t like being left on seen, and in one of our conversations he spammed me non stop because he didn’t like it. So im sitting here like “ok, maybe he’s just being petty again because he’s that type of guy”

During all of this happening our friends kept pulling us aside and asking on a serious note if we liked each other, but I never knew his response on it but mine was that he gave me mixed feelings and mixed signals

Caus tell me how one minute he’s calling me cute and sending me videos of bouquets of roses saying “for you pookie <33” and calling me “his pookie” then the next minute he’s completely off the radar and nowhere to be seen

Which I understand he’s busy but he’s literally online and ignoring my messages until he sees fit. Then acts as if he’s mad at me

Now my friends are explaining he doesn’t do this to anyone else AGAIN so he either got a lil crush or bros doing some courting ritual im not aware of.

Now when I ignore him, he plays around with my stuff when I’m not looking and sits down near me as if it’s nobody’s business.

By the way, I’m learning I’m bad at eye contact because whenever we look at each other I’m the first the look away not even a second later. Im starting to think my friends are right and I’m whipped the more I’m typing this crap out man😭

So he goes back to sending me videos and sending messages but when I decide on a good day to respond, he refuses to respond properly. Which is our biggest problem because he sucks at communication.

And my friend gives me a portion on what he said to me, and the screenshot says stuff like “I really do care for her” which really surprised me since he also explained he was gonna try and improve how he looks for valentines

Which I already think he looks cute but ok

Now I send him cute videos, immediately after he reposts them which I find wild once AGAINN

But now he won’t communicate properly and I kinda feel like its my fault

Another thing to mention

He told me “nvm” last week when I asked what he exactly he wanted to talk abt specifically, yknow

About the whole argument thing where I thought he was upset. He messaged my friend about it by the way, saying that we were good now. So he probably thought the conversation wasn’t needed anymore.

But now im scared that MY mixed feelings are turning into “oh I think Im crushing on this guy mad hard” and now we both probably have each other whipped or its one sided.

Help. Me.

I talked to him yesterday on some video he sent and he was like “i send stuff to a bunch of girls but dont check messages”

Then like

What the heck was I man?

But the thing Is he cant pull for the life of him, how do I know this? If you knew him you would know

So

What do I do gang

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

AXEL‼️ today i almost shit myself at school(not actually)

I hate the first day back. my spanish teacher loves to call on me bc she knows im not confident with my spanish and that i have a fear of public speaking (i dont even know why i’ve been fluent since i was 5💀) SO SHE LIKES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT AND CALL ON ME TO READ THE LONGEST PARAGRAPH IN WHATEVER TEXTBOOK, ARTICLE OR LITERALLY WHATEVER WE’RE READING 😭 ITS LIKE SHE’LL LET EVERYONE ELSE READ THE SHORT STUFF AND THEN SHE’LL MAKE ME READ WAY MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND IM JUST LIKE?? i get that its to “help build confidence” and shit like that but is it really helping if her “helping me build confidence” made me have a panic attack last year? I DONT THINK SO.

oh yeah so you’re probably wondering abt the panic attack thing🧍‍♀️ so lemme just give you a little back story first about how i feel about her class and stuff‼️ her class terrified me. like every time i would enter i’d be shaking and my heart would be beating so hard that i could feel it in my throat… kinda embarrassing…

but anyway it was just cause we had to present a something we made for a project and i was losing my mind because my friends didnt want to present it and my class was pretty big and filled with a bunch of rude and snotty people so i went to talk to the teacher to ask if i could just present to her privately or something but she said no so like i lowk freaked out and had a break down in the middle of the hallway 💀

honestly though the work isnt that hard considering i passed spanish with an A throughout the years but i just HATE talking in front of the class because for one my accent is different than everyone elses and two im one of the only non native spanish speakers so im kinda just like on edge cause yk how some people are theyre just not nice 🫠

anyway for the rest of the school day things were pretty good except J was being weird again and i think he was trying to flirt with me? he was just being rlly inappropriate and kept stealing my stuff 🫠 he stole my bag and then tried to go through it and then he asked if i had a dildo in my bag and if i like using it 😟 he then proceeded to walk around the class and tell people i have a dildo in my bag. i probably should’ve told C or a teacher idk why i didn’t 😭 oh yeah speaking of C hella people think we’re dating AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TELL THEM WE’RE NOT THEY WONT SHUT UP AND JUST KEEP TELLING EVERYONE THAT WE’RE DATING.

oh i alsofell asleep in english😭 i got lucky at the teacher didnt notice though‼️ and then my friend fell down the stairs

ANYWAY THATS ALL‼️ so how are you axel? OOO WHATS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL??

thats all for today! byebye and ilysm 💗💗

-bambi

dude i swear to god spanish teachers r either the worst person on this planet or the sweetest person ever no in between…. LIKE WHY IS SHE TARGETING U OMG i’d have to start swinging i fear…

i need J to like explode why does he act like that do u think it’s bc he doesn’t get attention at home… that’s mean sorry LMFAO um anyway i hope he leaves u the hell alone already bc u deserve it😍😍

UR FRIEND FELL DOWN THE STAIRS ?1?1??1 HELP R THEY OK???😭😭😭

i’m ok!!! and HMMMM my favorite animals r probably bats !!! what is urs :0

BYEEE ILYT!!!!

[walking-fnaf-encyclopedia]

23 and 25 🥺

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

hmm.. i’d probably tell myself to come out to my family earlier, lol. rip off the bandage. its scary, but theyll react the same way to everything regardless of when you do it.

25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one

i was gonna say screws, who i love with all my heart what a fucked up thing! but actually, i have one that i dont think ive ever mentioned on here at all!

their name is vanilla/bunny, and theyre basically a fnaf oc. but theyre supposed to slot in as vanessas headmate who gets manipulated by glitchtrap! they made the mask, theyre the one who would up killing. vanessa didnt question her time loss because she always had that (vanilla existed prior to glitchtrap), but when she was freed, shutting out glitchtrap caught vanilla in the crossfire and they got trapped in the ar world.

its definitely fantasy system stuff, but losing headmates is something that actually happens. and its scary, and i like to explore that with nilla! also not meeting ur headmates properly. bunny and vanessa never actually met, and vanessa didnt know about bunny. bunny knew about vanessa tho, and saw her like a big sibling. (even if said big sibling never saw them). it was kinda like a one way mirror between bunny and vanessa.

thats actually part of why vanilla was able to be manipulated over time - glitchtrap was the first person they could ever talk to as themself. they hated every bad thing they did, and glitchtrap really fucked them up, but only he could see them.. and that turned out horribly for them.

anyways, nuff rambling from me :P

[highathanamothafucka]

Hey hey. I’m gay gay. And we’re coming live to ya, tonite at 6:24 special. ( I lied. Itz actually 7:24, 24/7)

Imma tell y’all, i got top surgereh consult on decemba eighth. this is what ive been been waiting for, for forever. gettin top surgery is the thing ive wanted, literally from the day I learned i was gonna get boobs. course, i didnt realize that was a thing, i just knew that i did not want boobs, no matter what. i even had night mares about waking up one day with a huge pair of boobs. in those night mares, i felt so disgusted, horrified, and embarrassed that i just kinda decided to hide forever. I couldnt stand the thought of people seein me like that. when the nightmares became real, about 2 years later, when i was 10, i was in complete denial. I was just pretendin it wasnt happenin, so thats what i did. i didnt let them grow. i just said “chest im not gonna let you go on. You need to stop and just get rid of that bit you gave me.” And that did it! It stopped my boobs from growing! yeah, it didnt. but i sure as hell told myself it did. when my mom told me we need to go shopping for training bras, i pretend we didnt. We didnt go to walmart, we didnt look look at training bras, she didn’t go into the fitting room with me and see my chest while i tried them on. We didnt take some training bras up front and buy them. And we didnt go home with them and put them in my room. none of that happened, or so i said. but denial doesn’t work like that. it doesnt make happen, whatever you think should happen. what it does is convince you that what is actually happening, isnt actually happening. so i didnt wear those dumb training bras that summer. i felt gross, and subconsciously knew i should have been wearing them. but i didnt wear them, because i couldnt admit that what was happening was real.

once 5th grade started, i started wearing the training bras. i didnt have enough denial to overcome the embarrassment of my peers seeing me with out a bra. and it felt more uncomfortable than anything has ever felt for me before. but it made those horrid growing boobs seem smaller, by rounding them out, instead of them being a bit pokier.

And there wasn’t anything else I could have done. I continued wear bras, because as long as I got the right bras, the ones that lightly compressed or just kinda loosely held them so they moved around less instead of the ones that push up or have underwire, then it made them smaller than without one. I was so embarrassed that i would even wear them to bed so no one saw me with out a bra on underneath my shirt. I’d usually take in off once i was alone in my room, in my bed, in the dark. and every day, right after my mom woke me up, that was the first thing i put on. eventually, i stopped wearing them to bed. the discomfort i felt from wearing bras was too much.

when i learned what binders are, i did try wearing them. unfortunately, with my asthma, i could barely wear them. it sadly made it too hard for me to breathe. despite that, over the years i still tried a bunch of different binders. ive bought at least 25 different binders in only 2 years.

but back when I learned what binders were, i learned about being trans. thats when i knew, deep down, that something was wrong. despite that, it took me many more years to actually figure out that im trans. 

but to make a long story short, i figured things out, and now I’ve got my consult in only 4 days. Its what ive always wanted. And before i know it, it will have happened. And I can’t fucking wait!

[newgolddream81-82-83-84]

Vent

I just think if she let me be completely in control we wouldn’t have Any issues. I feel like she just cant live or function without me because after we left each other she only got worse. And its possible this is true because we were very codependent on each other. I should WANT to see her thrive on her own and be independent but instead I feel abandoned

I feel like if she just let me think for her and decide who she should associate with, she’d be better off. I know logically though that I’d just be hindering her progress as a Good Human Being. She needs to learn from her mistakes. And the proof of that is just that after all this I’ve realized she has zero conflict resolution skills and maybe it’s because I’ve sheltered her for so long. I think shes responsible for herself and her actions but I wonder if I had some part in this

She just confuses me so much because I’m willing to stay with her even if she hurts me and shes said she wants to and I’d literally give her everything shes ever wanted if she just stayed with me. I’d improve myself I’d let her abuse me but the moment I make one mistake and promise to do better shes got her foot out the door already. I wish there was someone in this world who would forgive me for all I’ve done and just love me as I am. I just want a second chance honestly, but I’ve accepted I wont ever be getting that.

Shes taken advantage of my bpd and my willingness to give up all autonomy but then when she offers to take verbal abuse ONCE and I tell her I wont be verbally abusing her, I’m suddenly the bad guy. We were both given the chance to take advantage of each other at some point in this relationship, and yet she was the only one out of the both of us who actually took that chance to do it. Then she even tried to blame me as if me being hurt by her was my fault. I’m just too easy to take advantage of. This is why dating someone who doesn’t understand bpd pisses me off. I eventually came to my senses and told her off but yeah she blamed me, and it was nearly impossible to get her to apologize

Every time I put her on a pedestal I have to remind myself that she isnt as kind or caring as I remember her to be. I’ve given her everything and I gave up all my money and energy and time and privacy to her. To the point where I didnt have any friends after exiting a relationship with her. Even a month or two after we broke up I spent almost $200 on her and she was still acting like a brat about it and almost COMPLAINING that I wasnt satisfying her still. I’m fucking insane I don’t know what my issue is

I feel like everything would be okay if she just stayed with me but I know it isnt true. She needs to be on her own for a bit. Shes too immature for me and I even think some of her personality traits are Extremely unattractive. To the point where I’m nearly traumatized by people like her (Mostly just people who refuse to communicate properly, I already had trauma with this because of autism but shes made it ten times worse). Now I think people who can’t communicate or make decisions are unattractive and they even scare me. I feel like I might accidentally hurt them and never know. But I wonder why shes been so bad with our falling out. Why and how have I handled it so well? I can only guess that I’m just used to having to move on quickly from hurting and being hurt. I hate these feelings so I focus more on conflict resolution and finding solutions so I can make all the pain stop. I think if I was able to feel guilt the same way a neurotypical did, I would’ve killed myself by now