#and she does crayola ones often!!

[cupiidzbow]

i forget there interests I don’t really talk about to other people or keep to a minimum bc I know they’re not the most conventional but I have a huge special interest in crayola art supplies/and collecting and I have almost every recent release of specialty crayon and I get so excited when they release new ones . I got so excited recently bc they just released swirl crayons ( I think they’re a revival from a 90s version) but I’m literally so fucking excited you don’t get it. you don’t even know. Sorry I wanted to ramble. Hark! to my completely unrelated tumblr blog I go!☝🏽

[enstars-agere]

Regressor Yuzuru Hcs (2-4) :

A/n:I'm using She/Her for Yuzuru

This is for my friend @aventyurine :

Yuzuru didn't want to admit that she regressed at first

However after awhile she began to feel more and more comfortable with it

She regresses quite young in my opinion I don't know why it just works

When she's regressed you come to find that she's surprisingly energetic

However she does tend to trip a lot so it's best you help her

She loves to eat gummies in my opinion probably not the biggest on sweets but gummies are always safe

She definitely has a cat stuffie and she's obviously named it after Mayoi

She enjoys baths so it's good if you get her fun bath bombs and bath salts and those Crayola bath paints

There will be times in her regression where she won't open up and ask for help so I'd help anyways just in case

She uses both bottles and sippy cups and her favorite paci is a blue sparkly one

And she loves cuddles and naps

Usually she'll be taken care of by Wataru Eichi and Mayoi

But ever so often she will be taken care of by either Ibara Naru or Tori none of which mind!!

But yeah that's basically it sorry that it's short 💔

[shytastemakerthing]

hiii there! i saw ur matchup is open, soooo if you don't mind, i'd like to request a romantic matchup for my hero academia 💕

🌟 i'm 22 years old. my pronouns are she/her

🌟 i like studying and learning new things! my favorite fields to stusy are linguistics, human behaviour, and society.

🌟 i tend to get lost in my head often. like, if we have a conversation, i often reply to you... in my head. so i say less than i think. however! if we're very, very close... this would be different. i'd talk a lot if i feel like i'm safe and comfortable with you

🌟 i also loveeeee physical contacts (only with someone i love, tho). i love hugging, cuddling, holding hand, and biting 🐈🐈

🌟 i am protective!! i always take care of people i love.

🌟 i can be... childish. i love cartoons, animation movies, plushies, toys, and coloring books. my voice (as many told me) also sounds like a child. which makes some people made a mistake regarding my age..

🌟 i love making people i love happy. usually, i do this by saying something stupid so they'd laugh (which, this is why some people call me an airhead).

🌟 i'm afraid of mean people, loud noises, and abusive people. if someone is raising their voice while talking to me, my mind would automatically go to flight-or-fight response.

i think that's all. omg i hope this is not too long. if it is, i'm so sorry.

thank you so much. have a nice day 💕

Thank you so much for your request and I am so sorry that this has been sitting in the inbox for so long! I do how that you like your match-up!

Tw: None

I match you with.............

Sero Hanta

Childish. Look at this man's face and tell me that he isn't childish in some way, shape, or form. The man cracks jokes, pokes the bear that is Katsuki Bakugo and lives to talk about it, and is overall, a pretty optimistic guy through and through, even in the hardest of times.

As soon as you two are together, this only amplifies, especially when you are both in the same room as one another. The literal life of the party is brought to 1-A through the both of you, and yes, he will feed into the childish antics.

You can fully expect this man to join you in decked out pajamas (with snacks, this man knows the assignment) and will chill with you and you both will be watching cartoons into the dead of night, or even on Saturday mornings. It's one of his favorite moments to look forward too. And yes, he will be bringing coloring books with the amazing 64 pack of crayola crayons with the built in sharpener on the back. The man colors in style.

He may not look it at times, but the man is very keen on how you are feeling at any given time, especially when things start getting too loud and out of hand (*cough* Bakugo *cough*), and if he can't diffuse the situation, he is quick to at least get you out of the chaos until it all dies down. While he does cause some of his own mischief that leads to said chaos, he cares more about your well being and making sure that you are taken care of.

This man is all about physical touch and seeing just how much you love it, expect this man to always have an arm at least draped over you, holding you close. If you're walking down the hallway, arm on you or holding your hand. Watching a movie, he has you cuddled up next to him. Sleeping? Any way that you are comfortable is just fine with him. Big spoon, little spoon, any kind of cuddle. If you're down, so is he.

Even if you do get lost in your own head at times, he still loves you. It's like a little extra quirk that you have that he finds adorable and he is someone who is very understanding about it all. If you apologize, he'll just give a laugh and brush it off. He thinks it's cute.

Overall, you and Sero can literally just exist in any space and it's the perfect space. Cuddles on a rainy day while watching cartoons surrounded by little plushies that he has gotten you after going through at least 3 coloring books, you couldn't ask for anything more.

[roseprincessarts]

ShadowSilver Updated

Here is my OC ShadowSilver updated now with a new description ^^ Here is her description ^^:

Name: ShadowSilver

Gender: Female

Age: 17

Birthday: February 19, 2005

Alignment: Good

Appearance: slender, beautiful, blonde hair, pink dress, brown sandals, golden bracelet, green eyes and red rose flower crown.

Personality: kind, peaceful, sweet, and calm.

Interest: becoming a filmmaker and animator since she likes to draw. She also likes to do music, singing (if she can work with her voice and recordings), acting and writing.

Likes: singing (when nobody is around, and her voice maybe bad, but will do her best in the future), acting (both live and voice acting), movies, shows, video games, anime, reading, dancing, dressing up, YouTube (sometimes), DeviantArt, drawing and making artworks and fanarts (one day trying computer works with 3D art), writing stories and fanfics, getting inspired by people that involves in arts and writing, medieval and Celtic themed arts, European culture long ago, Japanese culture long ago and today (one day wants to go to Japan), Asian culture long ago as well ^^;, Alabama, snow (wants to see it one day), animals (owls, dogs, cat, deers, and birds), food (pizza, steak, broccoli, burgers, spaghetti, cakes, eggs and BLTs), drinks (sodas, water and Frappuccinos), coffee, Starbucks, Applebee's and many Pizza restaurants ^^, warm and cool weather, her family, roses, café's, forests, beaches, mountains and wanting to fly on a plane one day to many countries and states.

Dislikes: pickles, drama, bullying, people wants to know where she lives when she doesn't know somebody (until she gets to know them), manipulation, harassments, temptation (sometimes), tea, being bossed around, thinking about the past when she made mistakes that has never been done when doing something, getting sick, scary movies (sometimes as long as she get nightmares), having a real man.

ShadowSilver is a girl that has an interest in filmmaking and animation, acting, singing, music and art. She often did have a not-so good childhood, but parts might be good. She often made mistakes that should've never been done with fanfics and art, but learns right from wrong and try to do her best to do stuff in her own style and not to get into trouble, and sometimes wished she had never done something wrong, but had to own it up to be forgiven and do what's right. She will do her best in the future of her dream career. She likes to interact with people and getting inspired by artists she loves and many other filmmakers she loves. She is also special needs, such as autism, and having a disability makes it hard for her with school and everything she does, such as making mistakes, and she can sometimes have panic and anxiety attacks. She often tries her best to interact with people well and do what she loves.

Her dress is still the same, but her hair is back to blonde since her pink was gone when it's supposed to be permanent :p, but instead of a regal crown, she wears a rose flower crown :3

What y'all think of her now?

ShadowSilver and artwork ©SuperShadowSilver

Used: mechanical pencil, Crayola colored crayons and Cra-Z-Art colored pencils

[planetflos]

✿ 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒! | 𝖽𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗃𝗎𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗏𝖺𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗇 ̥*ೃ♡𓏲

synopsis ⇨ in which i describe what it would be like dating jules vaughn using these cute lil’ headcanons!

pairings ⇨ jules vaughn x fem!eader.

warnings ⇨ sickly sweet, borderline tooth rottening fluff, some swearing, mentions of trauma from past relationships, mentions of nate jacobs—i think that’s about it?

authors notes ⇨ euphoria > anything else on tv! i’m not seeing too much of anything pertaining to jules on here so i decided to put this together at 3 am on a wednesday. the way she has my heart is not okay, i simp hard for her. i had a whole lotta fun writing this and i hope you guys have just as much fun reading ♡.

jules jules jules! my gem, my favorite girl. personally, i feel like dating her would be sticky sweet and super heart warming. she gives off major manic pixie dream girl energy which i loveee!

speaking of love, that’s her goal—that’s her mission. to make you feel loved. her heart is very big and she wears it on her sleeve! i feel like she would leave these cute little sticky notes on your locker down with the sweetest little messages written on them—‘i love you a lot, have an amazing day babe! ☻︎’ ugh. the cutest, i swear.

late night bike rides around the town.

her pulling you in for surprise kisses, wherever whenever.

you two would definitely skip school to go to the beach, skating rink, mall, & etc—sometimes you would have picnics on the beach as well. kat or maddy would join occasionally.

she’s a clingy baby, but never smothering. the fear of you leaving her someone else does cross her mind often, but you always make sure to remind her that there’s no one else and she’s the one for you without a doubt.

thrift store dates…hear me out. jules seems like the kind of gal to love thrifting old clothes, most of her wardrobe is probably thrifted. you two would always come across the cutest finds, causing the other girls in the store to give you dirty looks out of jealousy.

making playlists for each other (spotify > apple music).

going to parties with her and the girls—you guys would dance and drink for a bit until you wander off, checking out the scenery with everyone else. she would get a little nervous but she would remind herself that you wouldn’t do anything stupid or to put yourself in danger—hopefully.

speaking of parties, expect to have a few awkward encounters with either rue or nate. rue would give you two an awkward smile and wave before disappearing into the crowd. after hearing about how jules’s relationship with rue went downhill quickly, you definitely have some thoughts about her. and nate—he would just be staring, trying his best to make you both uncomfy. it doesn’t work, though, because nobody is scared of him. especially not after fezco beat his ass something terrible.

going to museums just to take aesthetic pictures for your instagram theme. 

you two being each other’s biggest supporters no matter what.

her admiring your beauty when you’re talking—doing anything honestly. she always tells you that you’re the most beautiful person in the world.

having sleepovers on the weekend! binge watching puella magi madoka magica, her fave anime ever. you absolutely adore the way her face lights up whenever the show is mentioned, and how hard she smiles while talking when she gives you recaps of all the episodes you missed. this girl really loves you omfg.

jules showing you her sketchbook creations, bonding over markers and pencils, and how crayola is better than krazy art, because krazy art simply sucks.

listening to her rant after a terrible, no good, very bad day.

trying out cute makeup trends on tiktok and pintrest. she slays them. every. single time.

cute lil’ study date sessions—finger foods, music playing in the background, books and pencils scattered everywhere, giving each other total heart eyes. ugh, yes.

most importantly, you guys are not just girlfriends, you’re best friends. jules puts a lot of her in you and you put a lot of your trust in her. <3

[raisans-art]

Dream SMP Characters as Physical Art Mediums because I had Literally Nothing Better to do than Think about This.

Tommy: Crayons

Tommy wants to insist that he is a real artist but he couldn't be arsed to put any more effort than necessary. No one will buy him anything but a 12 pack of Crayolas.

Tubbo: Good Crayons.

Tubbo accepts his childish nature and just upgrades himself so that he can be a kid but with style.

Ranboo: Charcoal Pencils

Ranboo just likes working in black and white and the shading aspects that come with charcoal. He uses specifically pencils to keep his hands and, by extension, his suit cleaner than they would be otherwise.

Wilbur: Print

Wilbur enjoys the boldness of prints and the variety of techniques that are needed to make them look genuinely good. Of course, no one ever knows he does print making because the broke bastard doesn't have enough money to buy half of the materials for it. But whatever pictures he has on his flyers and documents were all printed by him.

Philza: Watercolour

Phil works well with the flow of watercolour. He is willing to let the colours do what they need to and work with any mistakes made. It's natural, easy-going, and fun. He doesn't hang up his works, just keeps them stored in bins at his old house.

Dream: Vector Art

Dream needs max control over his art. He needs to know exactly how everything blends, moves, forms, and bends right down to the tiniest point. He aims for perfection and cleanliness in his pieces.

Technoblade: Calligraphy pens

Techno would insist that he doesn't do art, but anyone who receives a letter from him would beg to differ. He's mastered the precision of cursive letters with help from his steady hand. He started because he heard it was good for sword practice from Phil.

George: A blue pencil

George doesn't work with colour and he mainly only does sketches of drifting thoughts. He keeps it simple and loose and finds the satisfaction of capturing an idea or a feeling over rendering pieces.

Sapnap: Woodburning

Sapnap calls it art but it's just an excuse for arson. However, he did begin to gain an appreciation for the artform and got rather good at making signs and pendants.

Niki: Ceramics

Niki started doing ceramics because it was somewhat similar to baking. She mainly does handmade things rather than using a wheel, but she did learn how to use the wheel. She will occasionally make a bowl or cup on it. She does it more often now because firing the kiln warms up the meeting room nicely.

Fundy: Mechanical pencil

Fundy works with whatever is on hand (always just a mechanical pencil) and just goes for it. The rendering depends on how he's feeling that day. He likes the ease of using a mechanical pencil with how cheap it is and how there is virtually no mess involved since he doesn't have to sharpen it.

Eret: Oils

Eret really enjoys making portraits of people on the SMP. He is more than willing to spend weeks on an oil painting and is a stickler for detail and realism.

Foolish: Marble sculpture

Foolish has had centuries to perfect the craft of sculpting and found that marble was the one to yield the best results in the end. He can and will spend months on a single sculpture if it means it'll enhance the mood of one of his builds.

Puffy: Whittling

Puffy never has the time to sit and focus on a craft so she whittles. It started as a stress reliever when it was just a random hunk of wood and her pocket knife but she really grew a knack for carving little trinkets and figures for her to set on her or other's shelves.

Ok peace

[lilweaselcanons]

BASICS

Full Name:  Eshu (God of Chaos and Trickery) Heyoka (The opposition or fool of the Sacred one (The Titan) )

Alias:  The Collector.

Nicknames:  The Collector, Eshu, Crayola Man (Cottage), The Boogeyman (Cottage), Fuckface (Asra)

Sex / Gender:  Agender (He/They)

Right or Left:    Yes.

Age:  Ageless Being of Chaos and Mimicry.

Height:  He can change his height at will. His different forms often have a ‘default’ height. 

Eye Color:  Scarlet but again, he can change this at will. Scarlet is the default.

Hair Color:    White.

Distinguishing Marks:   His sun/moon symbolism, the split down his face in multiple forms. 

Paragraph Of Physical Traits:    Eshu is a being with Many forms. it is said his most common form is in his shadow selves. A dark billowing figure halved by the sun and moon. His second form is that of innocence, a farce to give the illusion of security and passiveness. A childlike form in a jumper, a crecent moon across his face and the adorning's of a court clown.  His final form is his true form, a creature of mimicry and imbalance, the god at his most powerful and dangerous. A long lanky beast with the mask of a jester and claws like a nightmare said to rip away stars and tear worlds apart.

FAMILY / RELIGION

Parents / Guardians:  

Siblings:      Eshu has no siblings but the Titan is his Opposite. Stability in the multiverse will not and can not exist without both. The death of the titan will bring chaos, and the death of that chaos will bring unfiltered corruption of what was once the law of peace.

Marital Status:    

Significant Other(s):    

Children:  

Other Relatives:   .

Pets:    He’s fucked up he’d probably see most creatures/people as pets / playthings

Friends:   He claims Asra is his friend Asra does not claim this energy. (He would also gladly kill Asra if she spoke to him rudely too many times). .....Anyways......uhhh King?

Enemies:  Belos, Also King. (Its complicated). And anyone who dares to interrupt his games or ruin his fun. Other than that no natural Enemies.

Ethnicity:    

Religion:    Are you kidding? He is a religion.

Beliefs:  Everything is a game. Everything. Also fully choreographed musical numbers when he’s destroying timelines. Very important.

Superstitions:  In his natural state, none really. When he’s free he is kinda paranoid about Titans and being trapped.

Languages:  Probably anything he set his mind to speaking.

Diction / Accent:    I suck at this dont make me

SCHOOL / WORK / HOME

Education:  

Degree(s):  

Occupation:    God of Chaos, Unrest, Mimic Magic, Pride and irrationality. (Literally the Titan’s opposite)

Own or Rent:  As far as He’s concerned, he owns the multiverse.

Living Space:  Wherever, whenever, etc.

Work Space:    

Main Mode of Transport:    He can blip in and out of space and time. i think he’s good on transport.

PSYCHOLOGY

Fears:  Being Trapped, Being Controlled, Being told what to do, Being unknown and forgotten by the isles. Not being literally the center of attention and the universe probably.

Secrets:   Your mom jokes are his favorite.

IQ:    Probably a number...probably.

Eating Habits:  I don’t know that he NEEDS to eat, but he’d probably be a junkie if you gave him a chance.

Food Preferences:      see previous.

Sleeping Habits:        Again doesn’t need to sleep, but i can’t say what his habits would be if he did decide to. erratic?

Music Preferences:  Anything that makes him look good and is a bop to rip timelines apart to.

Leader or Follower:    Leader, even when he ‘follows’ its self servant.

Planner or Spontaneous:  Spontaneous babyyy

Journal:  bo-ring

Hobbies:    Mimic Magic, Lunar Magic, Chaos, Singing, Dancing, Destruction, Games games games.

How Do They Relax:  I don’t think he’s had an ounce of chill for THOUSANDS of years literally.  

What Excites Them:    Games, Chaos, Mimicry, Jokes, Music, Scaring people.

What Stresses Them:    Actually having to Try in a fight, (Despite this do not underestimate them, they can and will get violent.), Titans, The idea that they aren’t known about.

Pet Peeves:    Games being ruined, being underestimated. oooh don’t make them mad.

Prejudices:  Titans....Wild magic to a degree... stupid rules.   

Attitudes:    He’s very very annoying, and can be extremely flippant about just about everything. Unfortunately when they are serious, it usually ends in violence and cruelty.

Obsessions:    games, mayhem, mimicry

Addictions:   

Ambitions:    Currently, to tear apart the multiverse in his image, and get revenge on everyone who forgot about the most important god of them all by getting rid of all the titans left.

ASTROLOGY / PHISIOLOGY

Birth Date:  ?????

Sign:  Yes.

Traits Associated with Western Sign:    

Chinese Zodiac Sign:    

Traits Associated with Chinese Sign:    

Handwriting: Oddly enough i see it being very fancy.

Sexual History:  

General Health:      He’s a god, so....

Mental Disabilities:  idk but I’m mentally ill about them so.    

Allergies:   ew icky titans, gross gross. Also belos is funky like sour :/  

OBJECTS KEPT IN

Purse / Bag:  Sometimes he has a satchel it probably holds the fucking stars in it.

Wallet:      A picture of your mom.

Fridge:  

Medicine Cabinet:    

Glove Compartment:    

Junk Drawer:      

Backpack:  

Desk:  

Clothes Pockets: Your nightmares probably.

OTHER

Halloween Costumes: ...have you seen this lil dude? what he need a costume for? He can look however he wants whenever he wants

Talents: being a pain in the multiverse’s ass ig.

Politics:    

Flaws:      Stubborn, Childish, Flippant, Rude, Loud, Unstable, Disturbed, Egotistical, Cruel when angered, Insensitive

Strengths:  Imaginative, Innovative, Excitable, Jubilant, approachable

Drugs / Alcohol:  

Passwords:  

Prized Possessions:  his followers of course :) yes you are his possession :))

Time and Place:   1 am. He’s currently destroying poor crabs timeline. 

Special Places:    His temple’s of which there are no longer many,.

Special Memories:   He has memory of a time where he and the titan were allies.. he’ll never admit he holds this memory special but he does.  

Tagged by:  no one.

Tagging:  nah

[pinkiebows]

Lorax headcanon dumping <3

Onceler/Greedler headcanons:

He eats snails because he wants to look sophisticated

Once he was shitting and his toilet exploded in revenge

He’s bisexual but prefers women

He and the Lorax have the same birthday so they reluctantly have to share birthday parties organized by the forest animals

His legs are so long he can kick a door and destroy it

If he fell down the stairs he would bend and fold over like a slinky

He listens to nicki Minaj

He gives free thneeds to people he crushes on

He once went to Las Vegas to sell thneeds but saw a shoe flying in midair at 11pm and had nightmares about it for 2 weeks

When Norma gets mad he tightens the pickle jar so she’ll have to talk to him

He chews ice cubes

His favorite animal crossing game is new leaf solely because he’s in the cover of the game

He unironically likes pineapple pizza and gets roasted for it every time he orders it at a restaurant

He doesn’t think he’s a great artist but he still draws often because he wants to improve but he doesn’t know he’s actually an amazing artist

He is Twitter famous and also is a huge influencer

He loves tea but when he became a capitalist he drank black coffee and ONLY black coffee

He had an emo phase at one point and he still knows how to do his own eyeliner from it

At dances or parties, he either plays the guitar on stage or throws it back on the dance floor and everyone laughs at him for having such a flat ass

As he was getting richer, he started putting on makeup, and liked to flex on his $48 dollar foundation. Thing is, it wasn’t even real foundation. He goes to Walmart every week and buys 2 packs of this

For $48 (including tax, as each pack is $21.97) and he only uses the bottom right one (shown in the pic) and because of that he has a huge number (that has a multiple of 7) of skin colored crayola paints stuffed into a closet in his lurkim

Ted Wiggins headcanons:

He had a scene phase shortly after the events of the movie and he wanted to try to eyeliner but was screams to ask his mom for her eyeliner so he got some sharpies and did his own eyeliner with them and when he cries, his “eyeliner” didn’t wear off and everyone ended up being impressed. He also wore old band t-shirts

His birthday is December 11th and he’s a Sagittarius

He’s actually really good at coding!

He makes deez nuts jokes on a daily basis and it annoys the living hell out of everyone around him

He plays ponytown as if his life depended on it

He sleeps with socks on

He likes cheese and pepperoni pizza

He can’t cook for SHIT. Like seriously he almost burnt down the kitchen making salad. You don’t put lettuce in the microwave with a fork, dumbass

He can only draw stick figures and he does that very badly too

He takes random buzzfeed quizzes to find out his soulmates initial and if it’s A he flips over his desk

At dances, Ted just stands there and only dances when it’s time to slow dance, so he tries to dance with Audrey and he sucks at it

He is a HUGE Dr Pepper addict, like it’s kind of concerning honestly

As a kid, Ted wore those really weird and edgy boy shirts that his mom finds at Target

Audrey headcanons:

She’s definitely cottagecore

She was raised by an old florist couple who told her stories about truffula trees before bed when she was a kid, that’s how she knows so much about trees

I can’t decide if she’s a lesbian or pansexual it seems right but she also can’t be both 💔

She loves tea and fruit juices

Her birthday is on May 23rd, and she’s a Gemini

She loves baking and her sweets always have flowers on them <3

She’s a vegetarian

She loves vegetable pizza with just veggies no meat

She smoked truffula once

She’s an amazing artist who can not only draw trees and nature, she can also draw animals and humans too!

She’s a great singer too and loves to sing for her friends

Grammy Norma headcanons:

She is a huge fan of fast and furious movies!

She commits arson

She is also bisexual too (no lean)

Her birthday is April 4th, and she’s an Aries

Other character headcanons:

O’Hare barks back at dogs

Marie (the little girl that talks in Let it Grow) has Audrey as a babysitter and she watches beauty and the beast all the time and wants to learn French when she grows up

Teds mom is a lesbian and O’Hare is gay 😎

Teds mom’s birthday is on September 9th and she’s a Virgo

Ohares birthday is October 20th and he’s a Libra

Ohare owns Illumination Entertainment

Wesley stops glowing when he dies of old age

[surejess-arc]

who: @endlesshvnger what: tfw you just finished beating up ur bestie via birdbox brain :\ where: essex house, somewhere between 1984-1996

‘winning’ in the ring seldom felt like an actual victory. it felt that, more often than not, at least one party ended up being treated for the injuries sustained afterwards ( ‘treated’ being used incredibly loosely, as such could be an excellent gateway into something worse than whatever hurt was dished out during the cockfight ). perhaps there would be some merit to that if said party actually deserved it... but everyone forced to enter the ring was just that: forced. other innocent mutants ? why the hell should joy be taken in beating them ? 

but it wasn’t like there was much of a choice when it came to... attempts at beating them. dog-eat-dog, one person saying ‘no’ wasn’t going to do anything, everyone saying ‘no’ wasn’t going to do anything, so on and so forth. thus, even when forced to go up against the person jess had deemed the safest to be around from the moment they met ( tall, stoic, built -- some good ‘do not fuck with’ vibes )... she had to try to win. but, given his ability and an unexpected side effect of her own ? -- one so invisible and long-lasting that she hadn’t even recognized it as a part of her ability -- hadn’t even realized it was a thing until jack siphoned from her ? it hadn’t taken much of an actual fight...

skip just a little bit because this is already getting fairly long and may is convinced the quality is not very high ( she is so very tired ) and, with the gag back in place, jess found jack to scrawl out in her pink crayola marker cursive: ‘are you OK?’ -- then, a flipped page and two dotted i’s: ‘what does it feel like?’

[riathedreamer]

You asked for it: live thoughts from Ria and @creatrixanimi​ watching RvB Zero.

So, after having a movie night the day before (third movie night in a week, actually, we are very productive) watching Neil Breen movies and “Cool Cat”, it was now time to touch upon Zero. Sadly, Zero does not belong in the “so bad it’s good” category, but alas, Ria had to spoil Haley’s innocence.

This is not a proper edited review, but just snippets of our live reaction while watching the thing together. We are not drunk, but this continued way past midnight for Ria, so maybe her brain isn’t fully functioning. Also, Ria is a potty mouth because cursing is easy when it’s not your native language. Enjoy.

Episode 1:

Ria: I can’t figure out if they were trying to do a Grif and Simmons parallel with those two random guards talking outside, the ones with the Wash retconning.

Haley: Their armor doesn’t cover their noses. 

Ria: That’s gotta be cold. Frostbitten noses.

...

Haley: There is no exposition. Like, it feels like the writers had their idea and know what is going on, but we don’t so it just feels weird and random. It feels like a Marvel movie.

Ria: Is that a compliment? I haven’t watched Marvel.

Haley: Not a good one.

 ...

Ria: This episode isn’t that bad in itself. But it’s just there to establish that the OG characters can’t beat this new villain, but the new guys can, and, urgh.

 ...

Episode 2:

[The shot focuses on One’s behind.]

Ria’s dirty mind: Ass.

 ...

Ria: STOP CALLING HIM DAVID.

...

Ria: I like this character, but I don’t remember his name.

Haley: Raymond.

Ria: This is why we need a name system like with the Freelancers and states. Should’ve just been numbers all the way through. Except Eleven, you fucking whore.

 ...

Haley at the sight of Raymond’s phone: It’s so big.

Ria: It’s the future. I can believe it.

 ...

Ria: Here’s the thing driving me crazy. Axel is a normal name in Denmark. But like, only old people use it. I know two Axels and they are both older than eighty. So that’s when I think of when I see Axel.

 ...

[After the whole training montage where we are introduced to the characters, we are still confused.]

Ria: I can’t remember their names.

Haley: Well, they didn’t show all of them. They didn’t show One.

Ria: They did!

Haley: They did?

Ria: Wow. So we got all that tell and no show, and we are still confused.

 ...

Haley: When it comes to genre, it’s actually not that bad with the narrated tell and don’t show. If it wanted to be a cheesy/bad action movie, that’s a trope that’s used relatively frequently in the genre. It’s a bad action movie. But it’s not RvB. It’s kinda like a particularly bad Marvel movie.

Ria: You’re really not selling me on the Marvel movies tonight.

 ...

Ria: I know I’m just a sucker for Joe, but I keep thinking of s15. Like, here they just use the files as a cheap way to introduce the characters. But like, in s15, Dylan just read out loud Grif’s file, and it was not to introduce him, but like, to show the complexity of the characters and go against the files? I don’t know, it just seems way cooler now.

 ...

[After the whole “what’s East’s deal” scene, we were so confused. Literally paused for five minutes trying to figure who was whose dad and why and what. How many daughters did Axel have? And where are they? We were just lost. Future Haley: Him waxing poetic about his daughters while watching the two girls in his team train confused me like I thought he was talking about East and One and couldn’t count sdfghjk. Future Ria: I’d even watched the show before and I was still confused.]

Ria: I can’t figure out if they’re too fast or if we’re just stupid.

Haley: It’s like I’m trying to remember the details but it all slips through my fingers.

Ria: The whole Zero experience is to feel too old for this shit.

 ...

Ria: STOP FUCKING CALLING HIM DAVID

 ...

One: This is how it’s done, grandma.

Ria: Fuck you.

 ...

Episode 3:

Haley: People would like it if they love dumb action shows. It works as a mindless action show.

 ...

Haley: So this is a temple?

Ria: I hate the worldbuilding. Is this the same planet as before? Like, Chorus had temples, but it also had lore about it. Is this the same sort of temples?

Haley: So shouldn’t this temple have its own key? Why do they need to include Tucker? It makes no sense for the temple to require a totally different sword from a different planet.

Ria: So they could beat him up ‘cause OG characters are weak now.

 ...

Haley: I don’t like the training scenes. They are so long and boring.

Ria: This is like the third episode where they are training. Holy shit.

 ...

Haley: It’s not that bad. But if you like Red vs. Blue, it’s not something for you. They aren’t really comparable.

Ria: I just don’t understand what they wanted to continue for Red vs. Blue. Like, it’s not the worldbuilding or the plot or the characters. I just don’t get it.

 ...

Haley: Raymond is the best character.

Ria: I like Raymond.

Haley: He’s RvB. He should be the main character.

 ...

Ria: Did East just use the “I’m not like the other (girls)” line?

Haley: I don’t like her. She’s a brat. Why did Carolina have to apologize? They were just training, this is something she’s gonna have to deal with on a daily basis lmao.

Ria: Didn’t Carolina have a cast on her arm? It’s gone now. I can’t keep up with the timeline. So, she’s healed, but how long was Wash gone? They are so vague about everything. Worldbuilding, timeline, motivations.

 ...

Ria: …Did Carolina just say she’d suit up? While wearing a full armor suit?

 ...

[And this is where the cursed part takes place. To talk, we’d often pause the thing. Here, I randomly paused during the introduction for Starlight Laboratories. There’s a desk in the shot. With a fucking marker on it.]

Haley: That’s a Crayola marker. That’s a Crayola marker on the table.

Ria: Glad we can appreciate the details by pausing.

[Haley then missed the entire Axel flashback scene because she was too busy looking up pictures of Crayola markers. When this is revealed, Ria lost it for like, three minutes]

Haley: I had that marker as a kid. 

Ria: So 4/5 stars for the marker?

Haley: They were supposed to smell like blueberries or something but they just smelled like chemicals.

Ria: This is the most excited we’ve been about Zero so far.

[Future Haley: I was literally laugh-crying you dont understand. This was the best part of the show.]

...

Episode 4:

Ria: They all have super powers. It’s so weird.

Haley: I keep thinking they are gonna explain stuff. But they don’t. So I’m just confused.

 ...

[Haley has now brought forth all the markers in her room to find a Crayola one. She drops them all on the floor. Ria loses it again.] [Future Haley update: I found a yellow one it smells like lemons :)]

 ...

Ria: They are all glowing and have super powers. It’s weird. Like, I know we had super powered armor before but that was all connected to AIs. I don’t get how all of this works. They don’t have AIs.

 ...

[We both agree that we enjoy Raymond and Tiny. Bless them.]

 ...

Ria: It’s weird. The dialogue is so oblivious, it comments on its own mistakes. Like, Carolina just acknowledged Wash has had a computer in his head before. But they don’t acknowledge the whole canonical lore about his trauma regarding computers in his head and why he’d hate this. Same with the name David. They just noticed that it’s his first name and that’s how they’d show how close Carolina is with him, but they didn’t acknowledge the canon lore that Wash dislikes people using his first name.

 ...

Episode 5:

Haley: Why didn’t they use Locus’ sword instead. It’d make more sense. He’s the one travelling around planets and wanting to help people?? 

Ria: What’s the worldbuilding here? Is Tucker on the same planet? Is this Earth? Chorus?

 ...

Haley: Gotta love it when they make Tucker hit on teenagers.

Ria: Oh god why did they make East 18.

 ...

Haley: They should have done something with the Warthog song, even if that’s a Red Team thing.

Ria: I miss Red Team.

 ...

Ria: Wait, so if these three swords are connected, why can the two first ones move by themselves and they have like super powers connected to them? When Tucker’s sword is just boring? They didn’t even make a joke about how the two new swords are longer than Tucker’s.

 ...

Tucker: I’m fine, I have my sword.

Ria: That line is so tragic in hindsight.

 ...

One: It’s Tucker. He is dead.

Carolina: Oh my god.

Haley: *laughs her ass off*

 ...

Haley: I don’t understand why anyone is doing anything.

Ria: Your brain is still thinking about that fucking marker.

 ...

Episode 6:

Ria: The dialogue did it again! Wash just said “amazing medical tech”. Like, he points out a plot hole. Because that amazing tech can heal brain injuries and bring people back from death, but East had to be tortured for years to heal her vague illness? Like, why couldn’t their amazing tech fix that.

 ...

[While watching the design of the temple.]

Ria: It looks like those are just plates glued to the wall. Dinner is served.

 ...

Haley: There is no logical reason why they brought in Tucker. His sword isn’t even from this planet.

Ria: To lure in fans.

 ...

Haley in a very sad voice: The speech wasn’t good.

 ...

Episode 7:

Ria: Is all of this happening on the same planet? They keep driving. The worldbuilding is so weird. At least earlier RvB made a joke about how they could just drive everywhere. This is like a big desert, a training base, laboratory, city and temples and Tucker’s workplace, and I don’t know if it’s even on the same planet.

 ...

Ria: Diesel is just standing there waiting while they outfit Carolina.

Haley: It’s like a video game.

 ...

Ria: The temple’s walls are filled with runes.

Haley: It feels like a free/bought asset. It doesn’t even look like the temples on Chorus. It looks like something in WoW or something like that.

Ria: It’s driving me mad. I can read runes! Imagine a big boss fight and the freaking alphabet is plastered on the walls. That’s what I’m looking at.

 ...

Haley: Zero is such a boring villain. It’s not interesting when we don’t know what this “power” actually is or what he wants to do with it.

 ...

Ria: That’s the helmet Spencer wore.

Haley: Oh god I forgot about him.

Ria: So did the writers.

Haley: Spencer should have been the real villain.

 ...

Haley: *sees the random model of the temple guardian alien* I miss Santa.

 ...

Episode 8:

Ria: The aliens are just dancing in the background while Carolina is fighting Diesel.

Haley laughing: Oh my god, they are. They are just jumping up and down.

 ...

Ria: So, the villain just turned overpowered, and the solution is that Raymond just flicks a switch we haven’t heard about and now the heroes are overpowered too?

Haley: It just makes them shiny. And like... they don’t even use the “power”, they don’t fight him with their powers which only some of them have, they just shoot their ordinary guns at him while doing unnecessary flips.

Ria: I just remembered Church’s dick switch. That had more dramatic buildup.

 ...

Axel: You’re too cocky for that.

Ria’s dirty brain: Cock.

 ...

Post Zero thoughts:

[Ria returns from bathroom break and Haley is proudly showing off her marker over video cam.]

Haley: There was too much going on so I just focused on the marker.

Ria: So how many stars would you give it?

Haley: It’s really bad.

Ria: How many stars for marker representation?

Haley: Three out of five. It was only there for a second.

 ...

Haley: In the beginning, it wasn’t that bad. It was dumb, but also fun and sorta cool. But then it just went on for too long and they didn’t explain anything properly and it stopped being fun really fast. But I can see why some people might enjoy it. Like, you’d love it for its action but only that. Not for plot and/or the character writing.

Ria: I think my biggest problem is the worldbuilding. They kept everything so vague because they didn’t want to connect, not really. Like, where is this happening? When? Why are Carolina and Wash there? Like, the motivations for all the characters were so vague as well.

 ...

Haley: Raymond was great. He had personality and some good lines. And he felt like RvB. Like, he used his brain and actually got shit done, but he also wasn’t over-powered. He followed a similar character arc to what the Reds and Blues had. He sucks at fighting but he’s efficient and smart in a practical way with his rocket launcher. He does the most and he doesn’t stop being a goofball! Even Zero was focused on stopping him the most at the end. And he didn’t need to do any stupid flips.

 ...

Haley: The borrowed assets annoyed me. It ended up looking stupid, like, the temple felt more like fantasy than science fiction. And nothing like Chorus. And normally, RvB doesn’t have to worry about being cohesive because all of the designs are from Halo so it all makes sense and it’s connected. But this is just so random it feels distracting, I feel like this is a big reason people felt that Zero was so jarring… but on a subconscious level. It just felt off and there was no cohesive design. Also everything looked like it was made for video games and not modified at all for the show.

 ...

Haley: Honestly I was optimistic at first but then I got confused really fast and it kept getting worse because it was so fast. They didn’t explain stuff properly or at all. Like, they made it too big. Should have been smaller. I thought going with the “Starlight Labs is evil and needs to go down” plot would have been A LOT better and would have tied together multiple aspects of the story that the temple plot didn’t.

Ria: If I had the power which I don’t, I dunno, but I if the main point was to introduce new characters, I’d keep them tied to lore and worldbuilding we already know. So we don’t get so confused and it doesn’t feel so disconnected. Like, I’m still in love with the idea that it should have been Carolina on Chorus dealing with these soldiers who have been fighting all their lives and now don’t have to do that anymore. But maybe Chorus still needing an army, and that’s why she is training it. I don’t know, but like, familiar, build on what we know. And then they wouldn’t be superpowered, but like, just competent-ish but normal soldiers and we’d get to know them better, but I just think Zero just wanted them to be these super cool soldiers even better than Carolina so they could pull off all the fight scenes. ‘Cause it’s all Zero has going for it. The fight scenes. It’s its strength and weakness ‘cause they sacrificed everything else to look cool. And it does. But it’s boring and there is nothing else going on.

 ...

Ria: I’m still so annoyed about the temples. Why are they there? Like, on Chorus it was a big thing, also plotwise, but it had lore connected to it and the worldbuilding explained it. So, where are these temples? A different planet, right? Is it the same aliens? Are people just cool with the temples? Why haven’t they been explored before. Chorus made sure to explain all of that.

 ...

Haley: The West and East scene-

Ria: Feast.

Haley: Confused me. ‘cause West didn’t really regret anything. He just said why he did it. And then all of the sudden East forgave him and rejoined the team. It was so weird. He doubled down on the thing she hated him for so much I was like “Wow he’s kinda an asshole” and then all of a sudden she was on his side? What?

 ...

Haley: Zero does its job if you want action and nothing else. And it’s not RvB. Don’t watch it if you like RvB. And I just want to acknowledge that we are nitpicking. Quite a bit. I’ll admit that. But, I wouldn’t nitpick the other RvB seasons the same way because the old RvB never took itself seriously the way Zero did.

Ria: I agree. We are nitpicking. But like, that’s why we have the movie nights.

Haley: But we are also allowed to criticize it. You can do that with any season. And with the other seasons, you could nitpick it and you can find stuff you don’t like, but there are always stuff you do like or that other people like. I just can’t find anything about Zero that I like. Besides Raymond.

Ria: Yeah. Like, I really love 15. And it had so many flaws people pointed out. And when it comes to criticism and Zero, I just don’t see many points about why people like it. They are allowed to do that though. But, like, we could have a movie night where we watch the Chorus seasons and we’d nitpick so much because we both have issues with it, but there is still so much stuff we’d still like.

Haley: I like Raymond though. He’s like Grimmons lovechild.

Ria: No. Fuck you. Don’t put that in my brain.

 ...

Haley: Raymond being in this… I want to say it feels like the Freelancers seasons but if Grif was part of the team or something. But that’s just “Hit and Run”. *laughs*

Ria: NO! That’s cursed. Shut up. Also, the Freelancers were way better written.

Haley: And those seasons made better sense.

Ria: And like, the Freelancer seasons did the thing with change of tone and have these new and super cool characters and fight scenes. But they kept half of the seasons to be around the Reds and Blues so we still had the humor and the dumbasses, and Zero just, it didn’t connect.

 ...

Haley: So, I have some thoughts on Zero.

Ria: I know, you fuck, I had to write them all down by hand.

Haley: I like bad movies, actually, but Zero didn’t stay fun, so no, I didn’t enjoy it.

 ...

Ria: Do you forgive me for making you watch Zero?

Haley: Yeah.

Ria: What should we watch next?

...

Also, Haley dressed up her dog for the event and you all deserve to see her:

[mantra4ia]

Debris: speculation and what we know so far about...

Bryan

The character is from Texas, has no siblings, and his parents are both alive.

He served in MARSOC (Marine Special Forces) in Afghanistan, where he was in a military prison in some capacity (officer or detainee unclear, but an alternate reality he's called a war criminal, so he's likely detained).

FWIW, I'm a little surprised that in an alternative reality Bryan wasn't a part of Influx. He shares a similar kind of backstory with Anson Ash.

He carries a baseball on the plane like a momento stress ball (1x03).

He eats...a lot, literally thinks with his stomach, seemingly indiscriminately (#you could just pull up a chair to the buffet). Stale Peeps, weeks old sandwiches, rewarmed burritos, anything from the minibar, etc. Maybe he was a smoker in the time before and it killed his sense of taste. Or he just has an iron stomach from his time on active duty. In any case, food seems to be his unconditional OTP. I request a GIF supercut.

He seems to know a bunch of field operatives (Lester, Sharon, John the ME, Muntz, Beck from containment) from various Orbital teams, perhaps even worked cases with a few, along with everyone in Maddox's office. He's very cordial so presumably he likes them, but in stark contrast at least half seem to decidedly dislike him with baiting antagonism, some openly hostile. Sharon: "why are you smirking at me Bryan?" Muntz, the Laghari lab tech: "I've come across plenty like you...men who play by their own rules." Beck: "They only send in the A-team when they want the agents to survive...easy for you to say, I'm the one who had to tell his wife". No wonder he feels a bit ostracized. Perhaps his reputation (impulsive?) proceeds him or perhaps he's been labeled an "unlucky" partner that misfortune follows so he gets kept at a distance?

The exception to the above seems to be Gary Garcia, the former scientist that helps hide George. May be former partners if the audio during credit rolls is any indication, and knows about Bryan's health / injections. They appear close. Perhaps because they share a mentality: both presumably injured in their line of work at Orbital, and they know what it means to have to rely on yourself.

When we meet Finola and Bryan, it seems like they've been working together for a few weeks, stateside at least (Finola's quote 1x02: Been here 3 weeks, feels like 3 years) and that he's had at least two Orbital partners prior, one (Julian / Jules) that died on duty, and the other creepy Dutch guy still living, Niels. How many more partners has he been through? Is it protocol that they get reassigned/shuffled so often to follow the debris, or so as not to form attachments "This job is about being alone, it's supposed to be...we're a blip in other people's lives", or does his personality not play well with others, like from the pilot when he tells Finola "it's been a long time since I've worked with somebody who's looked at me like another human being."

Also in 1x01 when Bryan says, "So are we now saying the debris pulled [Kieran] from the ground and added meat to his bones" and Finola says no, he was cremated, Bryan looks almost disappointed like he was momentarily more hopeful than pragmatic. At first I thought this was just a lead up to introducing the fact that George Jones was alive, but maybe another plot point is that Bryan has lost someone in duty he wants back.

He carries a picture in his front pocket of a woman with some Persian/ Farsi(?) or Urdu(?) written on the back. It's hard to tell by the script, it could be neither. When confronted by that, his clone says "I can't let it go." Old flame that was lost? Or a partner of a fallen service member killed in action —I've lost brothers— that he couldn't save (is that part of Bryan's dark guilt / grief)? Civilian casualty of a Marine mission? In the pilot when he tells Isla "you have to tell her how much you need her, I know from experience...You will not be able to forgive yourself if you don't" is Bryan thinking of this woman?

EDIT: considering the next episode is called "Asalah," which could be a woman's name, maybe that's part of the text on the back of the photo. Pure speculation.

He counts on himself to be level and composed when it comes to his emotions and apologizes when he isn't. He loses that composure in the pilot when Isla talks about family therapy and fighting with her mother after Kieran's death: "I knew someone like her once." Was Bryan referring to himself, has he been through post-service therapy? Perhaps he developed a rift with his family or left home at an early age like she did?

Bryan would be great at pub trivia night. He always seems to have an odd fact ready about NASA tech, native legends, an article about a historical building that he read, Fleetwood PA, etc. He doesn't seem the type to keep facts on standby to impress, so perhaps he's a secret bibliophile even though Finola hassles him for not reading case files.

"Fin: Maybe we should run some more tests before we continue/ Bryan: I will cut bait if you want to / Fin; let's just look out for each other" 1x02 Bryan seems more cautious than impulsive, he does a good job of listening to Finola's concerns. Is that from experience? Did he get overconfident, mishandle debris, and get permanently injured, hence the frequent blood work and injections?

"This man saved my life." Why does Bryan trust Maddox implicitly? And when Maddox says in 1x07 "Investigate quietly. I want to keep the lights off. I don't want to lose anymore lives, Bryan, okay?" is that a word of warning specially for him? Does he have a body count? (see afforementioned question of frequent work partners turnover and having an unlucky reputation)

Bryan in protective of Finola when the CIA taps her apartment. It's the straw that turns his allegiance from his agency to his partner.

I still can't place why Bryan carries a baseball — it seems like it could be a red herring, but I can't get over the visual of Maddox playing catch with Dario and reading into it as some sort of surrogate bond — or why he has a chain around his neck (1x05). It's not service tags and probably not a ring, it's some kind of pendant: a large loop encircling a dull, perhaps tarnished, gray metallic disc. A patron saint? A piece of shrapnel? A piece of debris? Unclear, but it definitely has texture or an etching.

Top Bryan Quotes

"That's the job. Impossible." 1x01 Pilot

"We are supposed to be blips in these people's lives, not memories." 1x04 In Universe

"It's been a long time since I've worked with somebody who's looked at me like another human being." 1x01

"Zippo lighters, Pyrex glassware, Crayola crayons, and of course Peeps. Insane for peeps, cracklike...we owe the people of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania a great deal of gratitude and I am not afraid to say it." 1x02 You Are Not Alone

"I've been thinking, [about] Finola.. if MI6 knew her father was still alive they would take her out of here. We need to get home before this becomes an issue...this is going to affect her." 1x03 Solar Winds, when he's not sure how her father will affect her empathetic-based decision-making

Craig: "You hated the creepy Dutch guy." / Bryan: "He was adorable."

"Well, one of my tips for survival, Muntz, is always let the other guy touch the debris first." 1x03 So is that what happened to Garcia?

To Finola "I realize I tend to forget that there's still magic to discover in the world. But not you." 1x03

"There are things that you understand about life that I don't, and I respect that. But there are things that I know that you will not find very palatable...I am going to focus on the people that we're saving and not the ones that we can't." 1x04

"If we don't act, we might not be able to stop the terraforming. There's no way we're going to be able to win all these, and I know that every cell in your body right now is screaming for you to do what you think is right. I need you to go against that. I need you to trust me." 1x04

"Finola's capable. I trust her instincts." 1x08 Spaceman

"I'm running on sugar and coffee for the rest of the day" 1x07 You Can Call Her Caroline, but really isn't that Bryan everyday?

"When I tell you that I understand, it's not empty...I lost brothers. It destroys families. There are people who can help you with what you're going through right now...There is a way to get back from this pain. I was where you were, and the darkness almost ended me. And somebody put out his hand... I want to be there for you." 1x07

"I'm trying to get back to someone. It's very important to me." 1x09 Do You Know Icarus?

[inthedayswhenlandswerefew]

But You Can Never Leave [Chapter 15: Midnight Manhattan]

A/N: Hi y’all! Thank you so much for your patience and support. I think it’ll be worth it...this chapter has something you’ve been waiting for. Only three more chapters left after this one! 💜

Chapter summary: A family visit turns awkward, Chrissie loses her cool, Roger and Y/N have a difficult conversation, John tells the truth.

This series is a work of fiction, and is (very) loosely inspired by real people and events. Absolutely no offense is meant to actual Queen or their families.

Song inspiration: Hotel California by The Eagles.

Chapter warnings: Language, babies, miscarriage, cute kids, drama, angst, more drama, more angst.

Chapter list (and all my writing) available HERE

Taglist: @queen-turtle-boiii @loveandbeloved29 @maggieroseevans @imnotvibingveryguccimrstark @im-an-adult-ish @queenlover05 @someforeigntragedy @imtheinvisiblequeen @joemazzmatazz @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye @namelesslosers @inthegardensofourminds @deacyblues @youngpastafanmug @sleepretreat @hardyshoe @bramblesforbreakfast @sevenseasofcats @tensecondvacation @queen-crue @jennyggggrrr @madeinheavxn @whatgoeson-itslate @brianssixpence @simonedk @herewegoagainniall @stardust-killer-queen @anotheronewritesthedust1 @pomjompish @writerxinthedark @culturefiendtrashqueen @allauraleigh​@deakydeacy​

Please yell at me if I forget to tag you! :)

They say losing a child will destroy a marriage, and you’re sure that’s often true; but it didn’t destroy yours.

Roger is the only one who can truly understand—who can feel that same aching and eternal, ravening absence in his bones—because he’s the only one who lost her too. He mourns with you, he stays awake through long nights with you, and when the future seems too oppressively bleak to imagine he drags you back into the light with tired daybreak smiles exchanged over mugs of tea and songs plucked on his acoustic guitar by the roaring fireplace, stories and jokes, walks through the green trellises of Hyde Park and the marble halls of the British Museum filled with ancient treasures stolen from Egypt and India and the Yucatan Peninsula, Italy and Greece, leaving craters of hollow memory littered across the planet like the imprint of the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.

Together you bury her ashes in the garden behind the Surrey house. John brings you a pot of white calla lilies, and when the weather warms you plant them beside the small black stone carved with two names you never speak: Joan Aurora. Together you watch the blossoms grow up and grow old and wither back into the earth like everything does when the clock runs out, when the universe claims back the debt of life we borrow thinking that we own it. And through it all Roger is so persistently kind and patient and present that you’re willing to try for another pregnancy, despite the odds stacked against you like moving boxes, despite the crushing heartache that another loss would entail; despite your fearful, growing suspicion that in both casinos and the genetic lottery, the house always wins.

It never happens again, and you reach a sort of peace with this; but it’s a peace that makes you feel small and immaterial, like when you think too much about how vast the universe really is, like when you wake up restless before the dawn and wander out onto the cracked cobblestones in the garden as the sun burns the darkness off the world from east to west, watching the stars as they vanish in a sky bloodied with another world’s light.

A year passes, and then another, and then another; and every February 15th John sends you a new pot of white calla lilies to plant in the garden where other people’s children play.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Look, look, look!” Laszlo frenetically waves a crayon illustration in front of your face. On his head is the hat you knitted for him, green and featuring a large white L and with sprigs of fluffy brown hair like John’s peeking out around the edges. “I can draw like Daddy!”

It’s November 24th, 1981, and Queen is in Montreal. The band is playing two sold-out shows, one tonight and one tomorrow, and Brian and John have flown in their families for one last visit to tide their wives and children over until the touring break at Christmas. Laszlo is six years old now, Anna nearly five, Lena three, Antoni—fast asleep and presumably dreaming of such complexities as Hershey’s chocolate bars and Care Bear plushies—two; and there have been no additional Deacon children, a fact which seems to be the source of some disharmony between John and Veronica. What Laszlo has drawn with his rainbow of Crayolas most closely resembles a very chubby banana, but with black spots like a Dalmatian’s.

“Oh my goodness, you’re a young Picasso!” you exclaim. “It’s amazing! It’s a...it’s a...a...” Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up. “It’s a...giraffe...?”

“Yeah!” Laszlo confirms, grinning.

Oh thank god.

“Very impressive,” John tells you. “I would have guessed pineapple with leprosy.”

“It’s not a leopard, Daddy,” Laszlo says seriously.

“Yes of course, I didn’t say leopard, I said leprosy, which is entirely different—”

“It’s not a leopard!” Laszlo insists.

“You heard the kid, Deaks,” Roger says, winking. “No leopards. Come over here, kiddo, let me see the nice giraffe...oh yes, it is so obviously a giraffe, you can tell by the expertly placed spots...”

“You’re so good with them,” Veronica marvels, perhaps not quite approvingly, noting how Antoni is dozing peacefully against your chest, a red hat stitched with a massive A snug over his jumble of auburn hair. “He never sleeps for anyone. Not even me.”

“Being comfortable to nap on is one of my many talents.”

“It’s true,” Roger notes, smiling, combing through the knots in his brittle bleached hair.

“No, no, no, don’t try to be modest, you’ve always been fantastically good at caring for people. I remember Brian was half dead when you brought him home from that hospital in Boston.” Chrissie is sitting on the floor of the dressing room with Anna and Lena, helping to facilitate a glamorous wedding for Barbie and Ken. Teddy and Evelyn, both four years old and with massive mops of dark ringlets, are scribbling on coloring book pages of screeching dinosaurs and plunging prehistoric comets above tangles of jungle treetops.

“Hmm,” Veronica agrees lukewarmly. “You’ll be a wonderful mother to your own one day.”

You wince, bite your lower lip, peer down at Antoni’s pacific little face. His eyes, when they’re open, are a greyish blue like John’s. Chrissie kicks Veronica’s ankle and glares at her. Brian glances over from where he’s tuning his Red Special, one rangy leg propped up on a chair.

“Not so sure that’s in the cards,” you demur.

“Keep praying, dear,” Veronica offers. “The Lord will provide in his own time.”

You blink at her. She stares pityingly back with infuriating, weepy eyes. Everyone is suddenly very quiet, except for Freddie; he starts humming Another One Bites The Dust and taps his white Adidas sneakers in rhythm.

“What uniquely helpful advice,” you reply.

“Well, surely one doesn’t need biological children to be fulfilled in life,” Roger tells Veronica lightly, like it’s a warning.

She looks thunderstruck, like this is such a novel concept, like Roger just shared with her the secret to time travel or immortal life. “Perhaps not, but you know...it’s so terribly important for most women.”

“How feminist,” Chrissie quips, lighting a cigarette, flicking the ashes away irritably.

John leans into Veronica. “Stop it,” you can just barely hear him say.

“It’s interesting you would bring up timing, Veronica,” you observe. “We were all so discrete about yours.”

Freddie snorts, tries to pretend it was a sneeze, smooths his moustache as he studies himself in the mirror.

“I’m just trying to help, love,” Veronica claims innocently. “All this can’t be good for you, this ceaseless globetrotting. Almost never waking up in the same place twice. The stress of it!”

“What do you want her to do?” Roger snaps. “Sit at home nine or ten months out of the year and, what, scrub the windows until I come back? Take up watercolor painting? Knit the world’s largest quilt?”

“I’m just saying that less physical and emotional strain might help with the situation.”

“Because you’re a freaking doctor, right?” Roger flares. Chrissie kicks Veronica again.

“People should spend more time close to home,” she continues, undaunted. “There’s nothing more important than family. Look at me, I should have another on the way by now, but the band’s schedule is simply murderous...”

“Trying for a football team?” you inquire. And in the same moment you realize: This isn’t about me at all. This is about her and John.

Freddie is still humming, modelling his Superman tank top and tight white jeans in the mirror, cinching and re-cinching his belt, sliding a red sweatband unto one wrist. The kids—all except the unconscious Antoni—are giggling and pushing each other around on the slippery linoleum floor, seemingly oblivious. John whispers something to Veronica, his face dark and furious.

“John should be home more,” she bursts out. “For me, for the children—”

Roger scoffs and rolls his eyes. “For christ’s sake, lady, he’s not your bloody lapdog!”

“You don’t really need him,” she protests, almost pleads. “He’s just the bassist, he thought this would be a hobby to fill his time on weekends when he was in school, he didn’t sign up to live this way and Queen could find another bassist and you don’t need him—”

“We do need him! He’s not just some bassist! He’s a genius and he’s irreplaceable and there’s absolutely no Queen without him, we swore to it, I’d leave if he ever did!”

“You did what?!” Brian exclaims. Freddie hums louder, stomping his sneakers to the beat, mock-boxing with his reflection in the mirror. John raises his eyebrows at Roger as if he had assumed Rog wouldn’t remember that, assumed he had never really meant it. Roger, flushed, fumbles with his lighter and finally lights a cigarette on his third attempt.

Antoni stirs, his eyes fluttering open, and Chrissie swoops in to take her turn holding him. She bounces him on her hip as she sashays around the dressing room, casting fierce scowls alternately at Veronica and John and Roger.

“You don’t understand,” Veronica hurls at Roger, lashing out like a cornered animal, her voice raw and splintering. “You’ve never sacrificed anything. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of just falls into your lap. No heartache. No consequences. You don’t know what it’s like to be one of the people who get burned.”

“You don’t know anything about me—!”

“Look, I get it,” you tell Veronica. “You want John to yourself. Anyone would. You want a normal life. But that’s the tradeoff when you love someone brilliant, isn’t it? You have to learn how to share them with the world. Because the world is so much better off with them in it.”

Veronica glowers, venomous and spiteful. She’s wearing makeup tonight, quite heavy makeup; she’s started doing that with increasing frequency. “I have no intention of sharing a husband the way you’ve had to.”

Roger stands, stalks to Veronica, towers over her, blows smoke into her stunned face. “Ma’am,” he says quietly, so the children won’t hear. “Go fuck yourself.”

“Okay, darlings!” Freddie flits over, pulls Roger away, fluffs his hair and straightens his black smock-like shirt as Roger glares around Fred’s shoulder at Veronica. “Fabulous. You look like a ten-year-old about to make a papier-mâché vase for his mum in art class. I adore it. Off you go.” He pushes open the door to the hallway and shoves Roger through it.

Roger nods for you to follow him, and you do.  

John frowns as you pass him. I’m so sorry, that expression says.

You shake your head in reply. Not your fault.

Roger slips his arm around your waist as you disappear into the hallway with him.

“That fucking miserable, judgmental, delusional, dogmatic bitch—”

“Shhhhh.” You cup his feverish cheek with your left hand, weighty with the ruby ring he gave you four years ago in New Orleans, and yank the white bandana out of his back pocket with your right. Then you knot it around his neck, smiling. “There. Now you look a little more rock and roll.”

“You’re not mad?” he asks in disbelief. “How are you not mad?”

“She’s clearly very unhappy. I feel sorry for her.” You tug on the bandana gently, fondly. You can hear Chrissie chastising Veronica behind the closed door of the dressing room. “Don’t let it ruin your show.”

“No, I would never.” But his eyes are still distant, unsettled, anxious in a way that is rare for him. “You are a freakishly good person, you know that?”

“I try. Don’t forget to smile so I can get some good pictures.”

“Oh, I’ll smile plenty. Just like this.” A grin splits through his face, and the Roger you know and love is back: bright, triumphant, flashing the daggerish points of his canine teeth. Then he draws you into him and kisses you, his rough hands in your hair, his lips smiling against yours. “Love of my life,” he whispers, rather pensively.

He shakes out his right arm—the one with the jagged scar along the soft vulnerable underside, the one he broke in a stairwell in Yokohama in the spring of 1975—and stretches the hand a few times. And you find yourself wondering, as you always do when he seems distracted like he does now, before he starts staying out late into the night, before he starts coming home drunk or high or not at all: Is he getting bad again? Is he?

I would never have to worry about that if I had married someone like John.

You fling that thought, that inconvenient and perpetual thought, back into the shadows where it came from; like a pebble tossed into the misted tree line of a forest, like a shell pitched into the sea.

“Rog, are you—?”

“I’m fine,” he cuts you off like a blade.  

~~~~~~~~~~

There’s someone screaming out in the hallway.

You reel out of bed in the darkness, step into your slippers, yank on your fuzzy white robe. The digital clock on the nightstand reads 4:11 a.m. Roger and Brian had stayed for one more round of drinks at the club when you and Chrissie left to go back to the hotel, Chrissie to relieve her nanny from kid duty, you to quiet a budding headache. You note—with a vague, drowsy sort of dread—that Roger is not in the bed beside you, his hair a disheveled blond mess peeking from beneath the covers, snoring softly, his calloused hands outstretched towards yours. Beyond the door there are earsplitting clashes of broken glass, thumps and pounding footsteps, people shouting. And now you can recognize Chrissie’s voice, shrieking and wrathful: “Now you’ve done it, now you’ve really done it, you’re going to fucking kill her!”

You throw open the door to see Roger crouched against the hallway wall, covering his head with his hands; he is surrounded by shards of glass, tiny hotel shampoo and mouthwash bottles, Bibles ripped from nightstand drawers. He’s dripping with what smells like a combination of every kind of alcohol you’ve ever tasted, and maybe some you haven’t as well.

“I wish she’d never fucking met you!” Chrissie screams, launching a bottle of Grey Goose from the minibar in her room at Roger. It explodes against the wall just above his head, and glass and vodka rain down on him. Brian is unsuccessfully attempting to coax Chrissie back into their room as she ignores him. “I wish she’d never stepped off that fucking plane because the day she agreed to come to London with you was the worst day of her life!”

“Will you stop?!” Roger yells. “Jesus christ, Chris!”

“She saved you,” Chrissie hisses, landing an elbow into Brian’s gut and sending him flying backwards. “She saved your life and this is how you repay her, you disgusting degenerate bastard!”

A bottle of Captain Morgan hits the wall and detonates two inches from Roger’s face.

“What’s going on?!” you shout at Chrissie, your arms crossed over your chest.

A few rooms down the hallway, a door opens and Freddie wanders out in a pink kimono. After a moment, John and Veronica appear from their own room in their pajamas, rubbing bleary eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep so I phoned my mum and guess what’s on the cover of the News Of The World this week.” Chrissie points at Roger. “Go on. Tell her. Tell her what you did.”

He knows; he doesn’t say anything, but he knows. You can see that he does. It’s lurking in the shallow cerulean pools of his glistening eyes like a shadow, like a ghost.

“What did you do?” John asks him, mystified.

Roger doesn’t answer. He’s looking at you, at Chrissie, back to you. It isn’t often that Roger is fearful, acutely and bone-rattlingly afraid; but he is now.

“Fine, you don’t want to own up to it? I’ll do it. I’ll tell her, you coward.” Chrissie spins to you. “Dominique Beyrand is seven months pregnant.”

I’m surrounded by goddamn mothers. “Okay. Good for her.”

Chrissie waits for it to hit you. And then it does.

Oh. Oh.

“Bleeding christ,” you hear Freddie sigh, rubbing his forehead. Veronica covers her gaping mouth with one pale hand, and she doesn’t look smug or vindicated or condemnatory; she looks terrified. John is watching you, you can see him on the periphery of your vision; you are dimly aware of him edging closer as you gaze at Roger, your eyes wide and blurring with tears, your throat burning.  

You can’t understand it, can’t imagine it, and then suddenly you can: his fingers threading through her glossy black hair, his lips skating over her neck, promises whispered through nightscape phone calls, haphazard lies whispered to you; reckless, small-boned, doe-eyed children with Dom’s olive skin and Roger’s sharp little canine teeth.

This is the part where I wake up. This is the part where it turns out to be just a hellacious dream.

But you don’t wake up, because this is real.

“Oh,” you exhale, brainlessly, helplessly.

Roger doesn’t sputter some desperate apology, he doesn’t beg you to forgive him. He stares at you with huge, starry blue eyes, booze dripping from his hair, surrender etched into the concave slump of his back and shoulders.

You ask him, already knowing the answer: “It’s not just a fling, is it?”

“No,” he replies miserably. “I thought it was, but it isn’t.”

You nod, those first hot tears spilling down your cheeks. “Okay,” you concede, your words brittle and fracturing. “I’ll file as soon as we get back to London.” File for divorce. File this entire misadventure away in my mind as a horrific and juvenile mistake. Shred the good memories into oblivion so I can’t remember how alive he once made me feel.

That seems to bother Roger, jolts him into urgency. The white bandana is still tied around his neck. “You don’t have to do that—”

“Are you fucking joking?” you pitch at him. “Are you not done humiliating me yet? Am I not ruined enough? Do I somehow still look remotely whole to you?”

John’s hand closes around your wrist. “Don’t,” he tells you gently.

Roger begins: “I never wanted to hurt—”

“But you did,” you seethe, tears slithering down your face. It’s sinking in now, it’s becoming real, it’s materializing from years of gnawing distrust into fact. They were all right about him. They were always right. John’s arms circle you, holding you back as you struggle against him. “You fucking did and I forgave you like an idiot just so you could prove to me over and over and over again how exceptionally little you cared.”

“That’s not true—!”

“You’ve done enough!” Chrissie roars at him. Brian wrestles a bottle of Don Julio out of her grasp. “You deplorable slut, can’t you see that you’ve done enough?!”

Freddie approaches Roger, dusts the glinting flecks of glass out of his hair, wrenches him staggering to his feet.

“Come on,” John murmurs, towing you towards your room. Veronica is tracking him with blazing eyes. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Go ahead, Roger!” you shout as John drags you away, as Roger is corralled into Freddie’s room. “Get clean for her, get clean for her children, tell her she’s the love of your life and marry her and give her a ring but don’t forget to remind her that none of it means a single fucking thing—!”

John stumbles with you into your hotel room. He slams the door behind him, and the world goes deathly quiet. You reel aimlessly, collapse onto the edge of the bed, dazed, staring at the bland landscape paintings on the wall, ticking down the mental list of things you’ll need to get from the Surrey house: photographs, paperwork, John’s sketches, the conch shell from Ostia.

What about the calla lilies? What about her grave?

And there’s another list as well, whether you want there to be or not; a list of things you’ll never feel again.

His teeth grazing my knuckles, his palms cradling my face, his raspy voice as he writes songs on quiet nights, the way he loved our daughter, the way he sets souls alight like wildfire.

John just stands in the middle of the hotel room, heaving in ragged breaths, his hands on his waist. And for a long time, neither of you speak at all.

“Do you want me to stay?” John says finally.

“You can’t,” you reply, thinking of Veronica and the children.

“That’s not what I asked.”

“No. I’m fine. I want to be alone.”

He comes to you, lifts your chin with one careful hand, touches his forehead to yours before he leaves. “You are never going to be alone.”

~~~~~~~~~~

You hear the key clatter in the lock, and your hotel room door creaks open. You’re laying on the floor after Queen’s second show in Montreal, staring blankly up at the ceiling, counting the black dots in the tiles like stars, imagining constellations of monsters and heroes and doomed love.

John appears above you, his brow furrowed. He shuttled all of Roger’s things to Freddie’s room after you packed them up this morning, then he took Roger’s key. “What are you doing?”

“Fantasizing about my own death.”

He checks his watch. “Will you be done in twelve minutes?”

“What happens in twelve minutes?”

“We have to leave for the afterparty on a yacht.”

You groan, sitting upright, rubbing your sore and sleepless eyes with the heels of your hands. “I can’t do it, John. I don’t have it in me tonight. I can’t mingle with all of those obnoxious music industry people. ‘Yes, hi, hello, yes it’s true, I am the sad barren soon-to-be-ex-wife, oh what a charming nineteen-year-old model mistress you have on your arm there, I too was once young and desirable and disastrously stupid.’”

He smiles. “You’re still somewhat desirable.”

“Thanks.” You reach up, take his hands, let him help you to your feet.

“You realize if you don’t go I’m going to have to hide in the corner and compulsively eat miniature quiches all by myself.”

“Your enchanting wife isn’t attending?”

“She wanted to stay with the children. Also, she hates me.”

You chuckle. “She doesn’t hate you. She passionately does not hate you, which is the problem.”

“So you’ll come with me.”

You mull this over. “Can I get so drunk I forget I exist?”

“Sure. If you promise to stay near me and away from the water.”

“Yes, I suppose that you, as a convicted felon, would be high on the list of suspects if I was to go overboard.”

“Losing you would be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Who would I call to post my bail?”

You laugh as you beam up at him, knot your fingertips through his hair, see your silhouette reflected in his greyish eyes that today remind you of storm clouds, of torrential autumn rain, of thunder. “Okay. Fine. I’ll go to your torturous yacht party.”

“Aww, what a tragedy, being forced to enjoy all the trappings of stardom” John teases, and then you can see the regret wrinkle across his face; because people don’t joke about things like tragedies around you anymore.

“It’s a hard life,” you agree. “But it feels a little easier when you’re around.”

You slip into a dark blue dress and heels and your bomber jacket that doesn’t match at all. John meets you in the hallway in a black suit. You share a limo with Brian and Chrissie, who chatter nervously about anything they can think of that doesn’t involve Roger or marriage or children or love. Bri points out constellations through the open moonroof as frigid Canadian air pours in and rattles your dangling diamond earrings, whips through your hair. John smooths the runaway strands, rests his arm across the back of your seat, smiles in a tranquil sort of way and actually appears to pay attention as Brian narrates the stories of the stars and their celestial families: Pegasus, Aquarius, Pisces, tiny Triangulum, the lightning strike zigzag of Lacerta, Perseus.

“You look gorgeous,” Chrissie tells you, and she seems to mean it.

“Thank you,” you reply politely. “If only I was also French and fertile.”

The yacht is docked on the bank of the Saint Lawrence River, an island of roaring laughter and music and twinkling strands of lights in an ocean of night. John leads you onboard, waves at the photographers who douse you in flashbulb luminescence, stands with you by the railing at the stern of the vessel as it pulls out into the river. Periodically some palpably accomplished stranger will appear, shake John’s hand, start asking him about You’re My Best Friend or Another One Bites The Dust or Under Pressure; but mostly the two of you are left alone. You drain flute after flute of pink champagne as John nurses his Manhattans, debating the merits of the various appetizers; you—ever the proud Bostonian—are partial to the bite-sized lobster rolls, while John prefers the Swedish meatballs speared on puzzlingly tropical toothpick umbrellas.

Roger is on the yacht too of course, and every once in a while you catch a glimpse of his blond hair or his blush-colored polka dot suit, hear his voice carried on the cold November wind; and you ignore this as much as you can. Twice he starts migrating towards you, and you and John pretend not to notice, dart through the crowds to the other side of the boat, your hand clasped in John’s as he weaves relatively anonymously through ballgowns and suits and reporters’ microphones. And he peeks back at you, grinning, and says: “I bet you’re thrilled no one knows who I am tonight.”

Chrissie steals you away briefly to keep her company when Brian gets snared into an excruciatingly dull interview about Queen’s next album; and when Brian comes to collect her, John greets you with a fresh glass of champagne in one hand and his fourth Manhattan in the other.

“You better make sure you don’t go overboard, Mr. Deacon,” you say, taking the champagne flute and resting your forearms on the yacht’s railing as waves break against the hull. Freshwater mist peppers your cheeks, your collarbones, the backs of your hands. Through the speakers pluck the opening notes of Hotel California. “Oh god. This song.”

“Fond memories?” John asks with a smirk. “That whole night is a blur to me.”

“It makes me think of sharks for some reason. And the Olympics.”

“It makes me feel...” He considers this. “Overwhelmed with self-loathing.”

“That’s ridiculous. You’re the least loathable person I’ve ever met.” You sip your champagne, gaze out into the moonlit currents that run from the Great Lakes to the Atlantic Ocean, to the shores of every place you’ve ever called your own. “How long did Dante live in exile from Florence?”

“Twenty years.”

You whistle. “That’s a long time to be away from home.” The fingers of your left hand clutch the railing, which is gold and sturdy and stingingly cold. “I feel a little like him sometimes. Except as you get older, home starts to feel less like places and more like people.” You twist off your ruby ring, glance down at it fleetingly, and toss it out into the glistening black waters of the Saint Lawrence River.

John looks over at you. “It’s really over, isn’t it?”

You nod slowly, mournfully. “Yeah. It’s really over.”

“And how are we feeling about that?”

“Relieved. Petrified. Exhausted. Mostly I’m just sad.”

“I’m sorry,” he says sincerely. “For everything.”

“Why? None of it was your fault.” You sigh, shake your head, peer out into the river, into the night sky, into the stars. “Maybe this is a good thing, you know? A blessing in disguise or whatever. I can move on knowing I did everything I could to salvage the marriage. I can be free. No more waiting up at night for someone who isn’t coming home. No more searching through pockets and suitcases for white powder or used needles. No more News Of The World headlines.”

John is still staring at you.

“What?” you ask, smiling warily.

He downs the rest of his Manhattan, twirls the glass as the ice cubes clink against each other. Finally, he says: “I could have given you a very different kind of life.”

Your lips, slick with gloss and tingling with sharp carbonation from the champagne, part to ask John what he means; but then you know. Your voice is a quivering, astonished whisper. “It was about me. You’re My Best Friend.”

“Yeah, it was. And most of the others were too.”

It was about me. All those years ago, that song was about me. And it still is.

“John...”

“I watched you fall in love with Roger, watched him fall in love with you. Watched this agonizing fucking dance that you do...he can’t give you what you want, you can’t be happy with less...and I just kept waiting to wake up one day and not want you anymore. And it never happened.” He laughs, briefly, bitterly. “I mean, for christ’s sake, I refused to propose to the mother of my child until I was sure you’d stay with Roger because I thought...I thought...you know, maybe. Maybe one day you’d change your mind. And I wanted to be there if you did.”

You gaze at him, soaking him in, unambiguously aware that there is no part of you that is afraid, no part of you that is shuddering or surrendering or apprehensive; there is no instinctive chorus begging you not to fall in love with him. There’s no sensation of falling at all. It feels like you’re somewhere you’ve never left.

“I know that next to someone like Roger Taylor I don’t look like much,” John confesses. “That I don’t feel like much. That I don’t light anything up the way he does. And if you can’t imagine a future with someone who isn’t him, someone who isn’t like him...then I completely accept that. But you’re always going to feel like home to me.”

You’re My Best Friend. You And I. Spread Your Wings. In Only Seven Days. Need Your Loving Tonight.

They were all about me. They were always about me.

“John...”

You don’t know what to say. You know exactly what to say.

From the crowd, a man dressed in a blue pinstripe suit and holding a Cuban cigar bellows for John. He whirls, offers a shy wave, trots over to say hello. But as they discuss concerts and albums and tours, John’s eyes meet yours through the sea of strangers and cigarette smoke, through the shifting shadows cast by flickering incandescence and moonshine.

And you watch him as the constellations and all their stars rage above, the same stars that in the time of Dante sailors read to point them home.

[crystalirises]

The Final Answer (36 Questions AU 13/13)

IT’S OVERRR AHHHH

THE TRUTH

In the following weeks, a series of letters would be sent between the two. A hesitant beginning to their slowly blooming and possibly hopeful correspondence. It began like this:

~~~

‘Hey To Dream,

Hello. This a stupid way to start. It’s Fundy. I know you’ve probably moved on, and I’m bringing up old wounds. I still have your mask, your creepy and I-swear-almost-sentient mask. In the past few days, I keep remembering our last conversation. Your answers. The honesty in your words. I didn’t want to leave it half-finished. I didn’t want to look back at a memory where I left you without a single answer from my end. Written in this letter are my answers to the remaining questions. You don’t have to reply to this, Dream. I don’t even know what you’re doing now, and I doubt you’d want to hear from me anyway. But, ya here’s my answers. I hope you read them.

Question 20. What does friendship mean to you?

    Friendship is a welcoming embrace. Friendship is the smell of freshly baked cookies and bread wafting through the wind. Friendship is a heterochromatic mixture of red and green. Friendship is black shades hiding pure white eyes beneath. I only have three friends, Dream. Three. I love all of them equally. Pathetic, huh?

Question 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

    Love and affection in my life are scarce, you and I know that. My dad was too busy raising a nation to even care for me and I never knew my mother. The only source of affection I ever got was when I pestered anyone… anyone… to look at me. Eret. Niki. Ranboo. You. I wanted to feel something, Dream. I wanted to feel wanted for once in my life. I really thought that with you I would finally be the first choice. For once, I thought someone loved me enough to choose me before the world… but you showed me that maybe I can never be loved like that. It’s okay, I’ve come to accept that. You don’t have to apologize for it, Dream… You are not responsible for the pain I had to carry throughout these years and you are not responsible for not being the metaphorical “cure” I thought you were. Ignore what I wrote, this was stupid of me to write. 

Question 22. Alternate, share something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

    I love the way you mimic a dying tea kettle laugh every time a joke is made, the little wheeze you make each time as you try not to collapse on the spot. I love the way your eyes sparkle each time you catch a glimpse of a perfect view of the Essempy, your own admiration for the country you made obvious in the way you glance at it. I love the way you always come home, exhausted and ready to cuddle in the bed. I love the way you tend to the garden when you think I’m not looking (those roses don’t water themselves, Dream! I know you wake up early in the morning just to water them! You think I believe that water fairies exist? REALLY DREAM?). I also love the way you care, you don’t show it often but I know you do… I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if you were a heartless monster. Dream, you may be a liar and a tyrant… but you are not heartless.

Question 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

    Well, you know my life… shitty dad… absent mother. I can’t say that my family is as close as most, but I love them, ya know? I still remember the days where my father didn’t have a nation to worry about, and though he never had the urge to settle down until Tommy begged him to come to the Essempy, I always remembered how he would wrap his arms around me during the night… the lullabies he would sing to get me to sleep. He loved me when it was just us against the world. I miss that Wilbur. I miss my dad. My childhood was… shitty. But at least back then Wilbur still loved me. So… like you, I didn’t have a tight-knit family and I suppose we both didn’t have a happy childhood. Lucky us, I guess.

Question 24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

    In truth, I can’t remember much about my mother. Wilbur never tried to tell me who she was or where she went off to. I never knew her, but I still want to. I always held onto the hope that she was out there in the world, alive… looking for me, maybe? Stupid, I know. But Wilbur refused to tell me anything about her and Ghostbur doesn’t even remember what happened to her. My only hints as to who she was are her name and that she loved me dearly… that she didn’t want to leave. Wilbur’s unreliable though, ya know? So I don’t know what the true narrative of the story is. For all I know, Wilbur really fucked a fish… Do you think he actually fucked a fish or…?

Question 25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

    Well… we aren’t exactly in the same room right now… Where are you right now, actually? Stupid question lol. I’m just going to go off on assumptions. We are both feeling… hopeful? We are both feeling… guilty? We are both feeling… We have both moved on, I assume. Ya know it’s really hard to answer this question without knowing what you’re currently doing. I haven’t seen you in… a month, which isn’t much but definitely enough time to have forgotten a lot of stuff… Also enough time to cause mass destruction somewhere but what you do in your free time isn’t something I have to worry about anymore. I should move on to the next question… yaaaaaaaa...

Question 26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

    I wish I had someone with whom I could share how I truly feel felt about you. Niki and Ranboo are great… but they don’t like you Dream, and they don’t like me talking to or about you. So! I’ve had no one to talk to about you… about how I feel felt about you. It would be nice to talk to someone who didn’t actually hate you or know you since if I asked anyone else they would probably tell me to avoid you like the plague. I just want someone to tell me if… if I still love you. ANYWAY, MOVING ON...

Question 27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

    I’d like you to know that I will still scam you. I don’t care we’re on bad terms right now, Dream. Are we still on bad terms? I. Will. Scam. You. :) It’s fair game, Dream. Especially now that we’re on bad terms (are we?)… gives me more reason to do so actually (bad terms or not, I’ll do it Dream)… though I’m not sure what I’d be trying to swindle out of you, knowing that a lot of the personal things you do have were also my stuff or stuff I gave you… Would I be scamming myself? Either way, I’m still scamming you! :D

Question 28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

    I loved every side of you, Dream. I loved the husband. I loved the man who hid behind the mask. I loved the tyrant. I even loved the liar, as terrible as that might be. I loved every single side you had, no matter what you do, no matter what you did. I loved you because I thought you shared the same sentiments with the way you loved me. I would’ve tossed everything away for you, Dream. I would have left my country, my family, and my friends if it meant having a normal life with you by my side. Then you screwed it up. You fucked it all up. I don’t care if what you said was a slip of the tongue (It wouldn’t be the first time your tongue “slipped”. I still remember the George incident, Dream), the fact is… you said it, and you didn’t immediately apologize when I confronted you. You knew what I was going through, Dream. My dad was dead and I didn’t know what to do. Then you… this isn’t part of the question. This shouldn’t have been part of my answer. Fuck. Forget it. Forget I wrote that. Don’t even talk about it, Dream.

Question 29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

    Wilbur. The war. The crayola suit. It’s all coming back to me, Dream. Wilbur used to baby me, like I didn’t just kill a man in front of him. It was the middle of a bloody war and he looked at me as if I was a kid and I’m just: ‘Wil… I’ve killed in this suit.’ You would think he’d expect more from his own son as I am the general’s son, his son… but no I was just his ‘wittle champion’. OH FUCK YOU WERE THERE DURING THE END OF THE WAR. You saw him— He yelled ‘suck it green boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy’ at you before turning around to pinch my cheeks. OH MY FUCKING—

Question 30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

    The last time I cried in front of another person was with you. I couldn’t bring myself to cry in front of Niki or Ranboo, they tried to console me but I didn’t want to burden them with my own problems. You were the last person to see me cry, Dream. You were the last person to hold me as I sobbed and screamed at what you’d done. I cried in front of you, and you cried in front of me… fitting. The last time I cried by myself, it was on the second night after I left you back at the cabin. I curled up on the couch, your mask in my hands as I willed myself not to run back to you. I wanted to run back to you so many times within this one month we’ve been apart. Sometimes I would dream that you came to Drywaters to take me home back. But we both know that wasn’t possible. For both our sakes, it couldn’t be.

Question 31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

    We haven’t seen each other in a while, but I still like your mask. It took a while to get the bloodstains out but I think I did a good job of course I did a good job, this is me we’re talking about :) I still like it, and I may or may not occasionally fall asleep with it in my arms. Definitely not… that hasn’t happened. Don’t think about it, Dream. Don’t.

Question 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

    Well, I don’t like jokes about Wilbur being dead. Like I know I’m an orphan now but can I please have a break? PLEASE D: Seeing my father’s ghost is bad enough without people having to remind me, ‘oh you’re dad is dead, right?’. Thank you for telling me and mocking me for my dead father. I really appreciate it. Though… I can’t imagine what it must be like for you, Dream. Ya, you’re dad didn’t come back to haunt everyone but his grave has been desecrated so many times now that I doubt his remains are even buried there anymore. I also may or may not have watched Quackity eat his heart and Tommy and Tubbo steal his bones. For what it’s worth, I only stole one thing of value… you can have it if you want… a keepsake or some shit. His sword should probably go to you, huh? I’m rambling again, this wasn’t part of the question (but tell me if you want the sword because if you don’t say anything I’m keeping it).

Question 33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

     I would regret not telling Wilbur Ghostbur that I forgive him. He's my dad and it's been a month since I last saw him. I care a lot about him, Dream. I haven't told him because I'm scared I'll end up crying in front of him. It isn't fair, I know. But I don't want his pity. I don't want anything from him... But honestly, I doubt I'd be able to tell him anything without him running off as he usually does. It's been a month though, and I can't bring myself to hate him anymore. I just want him to know I forgive him... But I can't say that to him... I don't think I can.

Question 34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

If I had to run back into a blazing fire (and if we're honest, I might have been the one to start said fire, I mean who else could’ve done it?) I would go back to save your mask. I wouldn't want to part with it after you just gave it to me. It would probably be stupid, running into a burning building... especially with my room being on the second floor. But I don't think I could leave your mask behind to burn. It's stupid but it's like a keepsake... Of you. It's the only one I have now since we burned our wedding rings. I still have nightmares about that, it felt as if my entire world burned before my eyes.

Question 35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

This is a bit of an unfair question. My dad's dead and I might never even see my mom. I would say, Wilbur's death did disturb me. I always held onto the hope that after Schlatt was taken down, Wilbur and I could resolve the issues we had. I always wanted him to be proud of me, you know that. Now, I have him back but it isn't him. Ghostbur is not Wilbur, he will never be Wilbur. I know that's supposed to be a good thing but how can we move on - how can I possibly move on - if Ghostbur doesn't know what he's done. Watching Wilbur die... You know how inconsolable I was for weeks. I just wanted my dad back, Dream. I didn't like the man I saw when I first entered Pogtopia and I don't like the man er ghost who came back. Neither of those men were my dad. I never got the chance to truly apologize. And I never will, Dream. I never will.

Question 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Have I gotten over you? I think I did, but what do you think? I mean what sane person would leave a letter on the doorstep of their old home where their estranged husband may or may not be living in? I don't know, Dream. Have I moved on from you? Have you moved on from me? It's strange. I thought it was over but I can't stop thinking about you. Every night when I go to sleep, all I can think about is what you're doing... where you are. Have you been getting any rest? Cause I don't think I have. Oh wow that was horrible, scratch that. Just... Have I really moved on if I can't stop thinking about you? When every moment, when I finally think I've forgotten, your face pops into my mind? Does that sound like the thought process of a guy who's moved on? I don't know... could you help me answer that question? Ugh that sounded cheesy. Just... I don't know if I've moved on. That's all.

There. 17 Answers for the 17 Questions I never finished. I don't expect a response, you might never even find this. I don't expect you to find it. Why would you stay in our old cabin? I honestly expect to see a crater by the time I go there. For what it's worth, at least I got to finish the questions... One month late but that's better than never. Do with this what you will, Dream. Burn it. Bury it. Tear it into confetti. Shove it down someone's throat. I don't care. I said my piece. I'm done. I'm done with this letter. This is the end. Goodbye. Ughhh why did I write thisssssss. Don't blow up Drywaters for this please :(

Yours Sincerely From,

Fundy (obviously, I mean who else would send you something like this?)’

~~~

‘Dear To Fundy,

I appreciate that you took the time to answer the questions, though I know it's been a month since we last spoke. I can only imagine how painful it was for you to remember and unearth old memories. I’m sorry. You really didn’t have to do this, not for me Fundy. These past days have been relatively busy, I'm sure you would understand as you are building a new country. Rest assured that I won't be sending a declaration of war anytime soon. You deserve to be happy, Fundy. I have no doubt that you'll be a great leader, you're definitely a great founder. I hope Drywaters prospers under your leadership, and I am willing to form an alliance... Only if you ever need it. I hope you've had a wonderful month, I'm... Surprised to hear from you, in all honesty. As for if I've moved on... Well, I did find your letter. What does that say about me, Fundy?

I missed you. I missed talking to you. It's nice to hear from you again :)

Ever yours From,

Dream’

~~~

Then came the following letters:

~~~

‘To Dream,

Hey. I didn’t think you’d find the letter… and my hat. I’ve been well. Drywaters is doing great, and we’re a neutral country, Dream. No wars. No conflict. Don’t even try to pull anything. 

From,

Fundy’

~~~

‘To Fundy,

I wasn’t implying anything, Fundy. But my offer still stands. New L’Manburg may not be as kind towards Drywaters than the Essempy. But… no politics. I don’t want to talk about politics.

From,

Dream’

~~~

‘To Dream, 

Fine. No politics. Just you and me… and whatever it is we could talk about. I’ve been meaning to ask, have you… have you been staying in our cabin? Or did you check? There’s no way you still live there… by yourself. Dream. Why are you living in our old house? Do you have nowhere else to stay? Are you homeless, Dream? *insert raised eyebrow here*

From,

Fundy’

~~~

‘To Fundy,

I… don’t have a house. Shut up, I already had Techno laugh at me. I really didn’t see the point of living anywhere else… I never had a house to call a home until we built our cabin. I couldn’t bring myself to leave it to be swallowed by the earth overtime. No matter how much I hated being reminded of what I lost… Also, did you just use ** at me?

From,

Dream’

~~~

‘To Dream,

You didn’t leave our house… that’s kinda simp of you, Dream ngl. At least I can sleep easy at night, knowing you’re sleeping somewhere safe. You always did insist that our cabin be some… sort-of mini fortress. I still remember how long it took me to convince you that we didn’t need a five foot obsidian wall… And ya, I did use ** at you. What ya gonna do about it?

From,

Fundy’

~~~

‘To Fundy,

I am not a simp, why would you say that? This entire conversation has devolved, Fundy. It wasn’t supposed to devolve like this. But… I haven’t smiled like this in a long time. You always somehow find a way to make me laugh. Deities I miss your laugh. I miss you. Sorry, forget I wrote that last part. I shouldn’t say that.

From,

Dream’

~~~

‘To Dream,

Don’t. Don’t apologize for feelings you can’t help but feel, Dream. If it’s any consolation, I missed you too. Niki and Ranboo have noticed my change of attitude. They say I’ve moved on but how can I tell them that the only reason I’ve changed is because I’ve begun to talk with you again and because I think this is closure? What is this, Dream? What are we doing?

From,

Fundy’

~~~

‘To Fundy,

I don’t know, Fundy. I don’t know. Is it horrible to say I haven’t stopped loving you? Is it horrible to say that I don’t know if we should move on? I don’t know, star Fundy. It’s been a month. I thought it would be over. I thought you wanted it to be over. I thought I wanted it to be over… what do we do?’

From,

Dream

~~~

‘To Dream,

Batry is getting tired of flying between the two of us.

From,

Fundy’

~~~

‘To Fundy,

Would it be too forward of me to ask you out?

From, 

Dream

P.S. FOR A SMALL MEET-UP. FOR A SMALL MEET-UP.’

~~~

‘To Dream,

Simp.

From,

Fundy

P.S. I would love to, Dream. I would love to have a small meet-up with you.’

~~~

‘To Fundy,

Don’t call me a simp, Fundy :(

...is tomorrow a good time?

From,

Dream’

~~~

‘To Dream, 

Tomorrow is a good time. Meet you halfway?

From,

Fundy’

~~~

‘To Fundy,

Yeah. I’ll meet you halfway.

From,

Dream’

~~~

It ends like this:

~~~

‘The truth is’

Fundy donned on his black jacket.

‘The truth is hard to explain’

Dream donned on his green sweater.

‘Because the truth is’

Fundy opened the door, the sun shining on his face.

‘The truth can shift and change’

Dream closed the door, leaving the cabin in shadow.

‘The truth is’

Fundy began his walk towards their old home.

‘The truth is all about you’

Dream began his walk towards Drywaters.

‘And your honest point of view’

Fundy felt his heart skip a beat with each step.

‘And what’s true for you’

Dream felt his step falter with each heartbeat.

‘Doesn’t have to be true forever’

It had been a month.

‘And sometimes the truth isn’t always’

Yet it felt like a whole other lifetime.

‘For the better’

Fundy took a shaky inhale of air.

‘It’s something that we aspire to’

Dream took a shaky exhale of air.

‘Or maybe, that’s something we say’

Fundy didn’t know what to expect.

‘Until it gets in the way’

Dream didn’t know what to do.

‘And you’re just putting words on a feeling’

Fundy knew he had to confront his demon.

‘I’m not talking about cold, hard facts’

Dream knew he had to confront his angel. 

‘Like science, the alphabet, or math’

Fundy felt the sand beneath his feet.

‘But the truth you use to keep track’

Dream felt the grass beneath his feet.

‘Of who you are and why you act’

Half a day away.

‘The way you act’

Until they meet once again.

‘But the truth is’

Would Dream have changed?

‘The truth doesn’t exist in’

Would Fundy have changed?

‘Black and white’

Fundy brought out the mask.

‘And sometimes two sides’

Dream brought out the hat.

‘Can both be right’

Fundy gave the mask a little kiss.

‘The truth is that you will never really know’

Dream hugged the hat closer to his chest.

‘The truth’

Fundy walked, the desert heat beating at his back.

‘Is that you will only think you know’

Dream walked, the grassland chill caressing his cheek.

‘What’s true for you’

Who would they find?

‘Doesn’t have to be true forever’

A changed man or the man they left behind?

‘And sometimes the truth isn’t always’

Fundy began to see green.

‘For the better’

Dream began to see orange.

‘It’s something that we aspire to’

Fundy tied the mask to the side of his head.

‘Or maybe, that’s something we say’

Dream placed the hat on the top of his head.

‘Until it gets in the way’

Fundy knew there was no turning back.

‘Until it gets in the way’

Dream knew the only way to go was forward.

‘The truth is that you will never really know’

Fundy began to run.

‘The truth is that you will only think you know’

Dream began to sprint.

‘The truth is that you will never really know’

“Dream!” Fundy smiled.

‘The truth is that you will only think you know’

“Fundy!” Dream wheezed.

‘The truth is that you will never really know’

Fundy paused in front of him, his heart no longer aching. “Hey.”

‘The truth is that you will only think you know’

Dream paused in front of him, genuine fondness on his face. “Hey.”

‘The truth can change’

They both stood at a crossroads. Which way do they turn?

‘The truth is…’

If you had the chance to fall in love all over again, would you take it?

-----------

prev

-----------------------

AND IT’S DONEEEEEEEEE

Yayyyyy 13 chapters hnggggggg.

But thank you to those who read up to this point, I hope you guys liked it :D

Now I am off to sleep. Goodbye.

[keyofjetwolf]

The Holligay Birthday Fair! (YOU CAN WIN SHIT)

HELLO FRIENDS

As you are probably aware, this year has sucked donkey balls, and shows no sign of slowing! It’s great fun! As if it weren’t bad enough that there’s all this chaos in the world on a large scale, it’s also filtering into smaller, dense packets of disappointment. Such as, for example, fucking up my dear friend Doctor Holligay Esq. PhD. and her birthday plans.

This will be the first year since she was but a tiny gay that she won’t be going to the fair for her birthday. This makes her sad. I do not like when she is sad. So, in an effort to counter this, we’re going to hold our OWN fair! We’re going to get a deep fryer and pretty much FRY THE UNIVERSE! Dr. Jill is going to set up an obstacle course and we’re going to run Kitten, Witten, and Mina through it! (And maybe Hot Pocket, if any of us are feeling that brave.) I’m organizing and will do the calling for Bingo! AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE WE’LL CRAM INTO THIS DAY OF NEARLY-FAIR AWESOME

Well, one other thing I DO know we’ll do is attempt to recreate one of Doc’s favourite parts of the state fair: the children’s art exhibit.

What is that, you ask? EXCELLENT QUESTION. It’s pretty much what it sounds like, where local kids make assorted pieces of art, and the fair displays them. They range from surprisingly lovely to HILARIOUSLY FUCKED UP, because, you know ... children. It’s amazing, and Doc absolutely treasures it.

Here’s where you come in! WE WANT YOUR CHILD ART. By which I mean you can send in art by actual children of your acquaintance, or you can grab a pack of Crayolas and once again become the five year old of your heart. And to help encourage you, each individual PHYSICAL piece of child’s art you send will enter you into a drawing for a free liveblog slot in September, content of YOUR CHOOSING, with both Holligay AND myself. TWO CHANCES WITH EACH PIECE WHAT A BARGAIN

If you’d like to help me try to make Doc’s birthday EVEN BETTER THAN THE ACTUAL FAIR, send in your child art to:

    Jet Wolf     ATTN: Children’s Art Gallery     PO Box 1621     Billings, MT  59103

The due date is Monday, 10 August 2020, so that’s nearly three weeks. I WILL HARASS REMIND YOU ALL OFTEN. And now a quick FAQ, but any other questions you have, just ask!

Can we get our submissions returned after the fair? Anybody who would like their submissions sent back to them, just include a note to that effect with what you send, and I’ll get it back in the mail to you within the week. ***HOWEVER PLEASE NOTE*** I can only be responsible for what you send me while it’s in my possession. I can’t guarantee something won’t happen on its way to me or on its way back to you. So please please please please don’t send anything you absolutely cannot bear the possibility of losing. THIS YEAR IS BAD ENOUGH NONE OF US NEED THAT

Does it have to be physical, can I send in scans? If you’d just like to have your child art included in the fair for Holligay, absolutely! But the physical, tangible object being there is a huge component of what we’re trying to recreate, so the receipt of the actual, physical thing in our hands is what will get you a entry in the liveblog drawing.

What age range are you looking for? Art from kids between about 5 and 11, ideally!

When do you need them by? They need to be in my post office box by Monday, 10 August 2020. Mail delivery for the day is complete by 10:30 and our fair will be that afternoon, so anything arriving after the 10th of August will be too late!

As I said, I’ll be GENTLY and LOVINGLY reminding you throughout the next few weeks, but why wait? Shower Holligay in birthday love and children’s art today WHILE ALSO POSSIBLY WINNING A FREE LIVEBLOG HOLY DEEP FRIED SHITBALLS

[cartoonsrulemylife]

OCD-based hyper-responsibility . my mental illness.

I'm getting vulnerable

Hyper responsibility involves feeling responsible for others all of the time. It is an involuntary urge to avoid disasters – all day long. This urge consumes your mind every minute of every day.

Ex You see a nail on the floor,

so you pick it up before someone accidentally steps on it. You pick it up not just for yourself, but also for anyone else who could step on it. You feel like it is your responsibility to look out for everyone – to ensure that everyone is safe. If someone was injured because of that nail, the guilt would eat you alive because you left it there.

Because you were the first person to see the nail – protecting others has become YOUR responsibility. So, if you don’t pick up the nail and someone steps on it – it is YOUR fault. YOU saw the danger and did nothing.

So, ultimately, hyper-responsibility involves feeling overwhelmingly responsible for someone else’s thoughts, beliefs, actions, safety, and happiness. Hyper-responsibility feels like it is your responsibility to solve all the ills of the world, and if something happens on your watch, it is your fault, even if you played no role in it. Hyper-responsibility is often termed a “savior complex” because of the need or urge to “save” others from impending danger.

You truly believe that if you do not act immediately, you will be blamed when someone gets hurt. What if the nail becomes so deeply lodged in the person’s foot that he or she needs surgery to remove it? Or, what if the person doesn’t feel the nail in his or her foot, causing an infection and leading to gangrene?

This is called hyper-responsibility and it is common in people with OCD.

Those scenarios most likely will not happen, however, the mere thought of it terrifies you, triggering extreme anxiety. You quickly pick up the nail and place it on the kitchen counter.

Crisis averted.

Of course, the world will not shatter if you don’t pick up the nail, because most likely if you don’t pick it up the next person will. But, in the mind of someone with OCD, a tragedy will occur if you don’t do something (like pick up the nail).

OCD-based hyper-responsibility involves feeling responsible for others all of the time. It is an involuntary urge to avoid disasters – all day long. This urge consumes your mind every minute of every day.

OCD fears permeate your mind until you remove the stimulus (the nail). To you, the danger feels real, even if it’s not entirely realistic or plausible. You become obsessed with the fear then the anxiety rushes in and the only way to calm your nerves is to engage in compulsions (ritualistic behaviors).

Although hyper-responsibility is more prevalent in people with OCD, we all experience forms of it from time-to-time. For instance, most of us would pick up a nail, if we saw it to prevent injuries. This is instinctual. Most people would also feel some degree of guilt and shame if they did not do something to prevent someone from getting hurt. But, this is especially true if you struggle with OCD.

People with OCD perform ritualistic behaviors to try to ease their stress and anxiety and avoid feeling guilty for their feelings. Unfortunately, this reprieve only lasts a short time. Once, these individuals are exposed to one of their OCD triggers, the cycle of obsessions and compulsions repeat. And, yes, the feeling of hyper-responsibility can return with a vengeance.

The fear of danger, harm, or death infiltrates your mind (obsessions), so you spend most of your day extinguishing “small fires” (averting disasters). It’s time-consuming and exhausting, yet, you feel it is YOUR responsibility alone to prevent these tragedies. Taking responsibility for yourself and others becomes the sole focus of your life. It is an insistent urge to protect everyone from devastation, however, what actually happens is you end up devastating your own life.

hyper-responsibility involves feeling overwhelmingly responsible for someone else’s thoughts, beliefs, actions, safety, and happiness. Hyper-responsibility feels like it is your responsibility to solve all the ills of the world, and if something happens on your watch, it is your fault, even if you played no role in it. Hyper-responsibility is often termed a “savior complex” because of the need or urge to “save” others from impending danger.

What is the Relationship Between OCD and Hyper-Responsibility?

Doubt and fear are the main hallmarks of OCD. But, this isn’t your normal everyday fear and doubt – when you have OCD, it’s more intense and persistent. For people with OCD, hyper-responsibly involves incapacitating and paralyzing fear and doubt. And, the only way to stop these intrusive thoughts (obsessions) is to “remedy” or “fix” the situation (compulsions). It is an urge to solve any problem that crosses your mind – or path. It’s assuming responsibility for others – on steroids.

It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, because you’ve become a real-life superhero – preventing disasters and saving lives. This hyper-responsibility impacts every area of your life, because when a problem pops up, you feel the need to resolve it. If you don’t act or you try and fail, guilt and shame sit in – even if it was an impossible feat. Should you feel guilty and ashamed? No, but that doesn’t stop you from feeling that way.

Hyper-responsibility threatens to take over your entire life, controlling your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Understand that people with OCD are fearful and doubtful of almost everything

Is it possible to end this never-ending hyper-responsibility cycle? Yes.

You can stop feeling like you’re responsible for the world, but it will not be simple or easy. It involves confronting your fears and guilt and fighting your urge to “fix” the person or situation. Understand that this urge to “fix” every possible problem is a compulsion. So, if you can change the way you perceive (see) a situation, the urge to perform actions to “remedy” the ills of the world will lessen and hopefully, go away altogether. But, it will take work and help from a qualified mental health specialist (i.e. counselor, therapist, or psychologist).

Imagine what you can do once the obsessions and compulsions are gone. You’ll have more time to engage in the things that actually bring you joy. You’ll also have the ability to really help others by volunteering at domestic violence, animal, or homelessness shelter, helping a friend work through personal, social, or work issues, spending time with the elderly, donating your time to a charity, etc. There is so much good you can do once you get your OCD under control.

You can’t make the world a better place until you realize that you are not solely responsible for everyone’s safety and happiness.

https://impulsetherapy.com/hyper-responsibility-ocd-what-does-it-all-mean/

This is my life/ mind everyday and I hate it. I lose hours to it i changed a diet once for it that went badly. I just want the bad feelings to go away

My thing.. As a kid i tapped Jesus pic three times bec if i didn't my parents would die

I would have bad thoughts or curse out ny folks in my head felt guilty and wrote em to my parents.

As s young adult i wanted to tell store people i ate grapes as a kid without paying for em or chocolate mints from a cracker barrel or a cop about checking out a abandoned house. Any small crime the itch to tell was loud

It got worse

My thing for a while was china has concentration camps and child labor don't buy from china don't buy from stores that sell stuff from china or feel bad when you do because that means you support child labor. Don't buy from companies that profit from child labor . This was impossible its like every store and every company at some point. I stopped using crayola for like a year they're toys are from china

Farming industry has abuse issues my brain just buy meat from stores you trust only eat meat from stores you trust. ended after a gallbladder attack

Now its about the pedo guy from ren x stimpy i have to know everything he worked on and his workers to never watch anything from em .

or how do i know if any cartoon is clean and made by good people maybe everyone sucks you don't know you need to know.

My brain is all about wanting to know or wanting to tell others the negative bullshit i know or I'm human garbage if i don't it's an itch but telling people never ever helps in the end

. some days its manageable others is not and when my ocd fixation leaves it opens a new one every time.

It just it sucks I'm so stressed

[glorynylander]

5 Toddler Toys Under $5

1. Toy Echo Microphone

https://amzn.to/3sPn1HA

This ten inch plastic microphone is great for younger children who love to sing. They come in bright fun kid colors and with every child’s most loved, and often off-limits, accessory - a plastic pretend cord. Both my girls love to run or crawl to cords. They both know cords are off limits, so within minutes they both had the microphones hanging out of their mouths by the fake, three inch cord. I guess you could say this toy doubles as a tether as well! Even our 9 month old will practice different sounds into the microphone and enjoy the echo she hears as she does. I remember singing into an echo microphone as a child which gave me the idea to get this gift for my toddler. She has been singing into random objects like a microphone for the last few weeks. It is always a joy to share the love of music with our children!

2. The First Year Stack Up Cup Toys

https://amzn.to/30fHXv7

For hours of scientific, mathematical and imaginative play these cups are a crowd pleaser from birth to three (and beyond I hope!). My toddler is two and a half so I can only personally testify to the results I’ve seen with her, her sister and other toddler friends who range up to three years of age. These cups seem simple, but with their bright colors, numbers imprinted on the bottom and the option to stack them up like a tower, or stack them as nesting bowls leads to endless hours of fun. They stack up and store nicely in a small space which is a plus. Not to mention the stacking cups can be pretend cups for tea parties, bowls or your toddlers favorite pretend food in a pretend kitchen or, you guessed it a TEETHER for those little babies cutting teeth and wanting to “drink” out of cups just like the adults around them!

3. Pip Squeak Crayola Markers 16 Count.

https://amzn.to/3kLhaAn

These markers are appropriately named for your little ones! They are smaller in size so they fit in your little ones hands and have bright fun colors with interesting names. It does cost $5.44, so this is over my promised $5 threshold, so I offer a second choice, which comes in under $5 at a 10 count but is not part of the “pip squeak” series. I wanted to make the recommendation for the age appropriate markers alongside the under $5 that I promised! 10 or 16 markers, we often only give our daughter one or two at a time to color with so I think the smaller pack would be completely sufficient for whatever toddler you are trying to bless with the goodness or art! Don’t forget our FAVORITE coloring catchphrase, “We color only on paper.” (This insinuates the opposite- we don’t color on the table/trays/walls/clothes etc!) Crayola 10 Count Washable Markers: https://amzn.to/3qdsOVN

4. OBall

https://amzn.to/2MJoHDn

That’s right, a classic ball can keep a child entertained for days on end. This ball is easy to grip for babies, and can teach fine motor skills with its cut out shapes. It also has a few filled in sections with small beads to add the sensory experience of hearing the beads rattle as the ball rolls. It is lightweight so if it falls on or hits baby it should not cause the bay or toddler to get hurt. A home nurse told me once that playing ball with your baby or toddler teaches them the magical, always needed, something I’m still working on — PATIENCE! Patience… is ALWAYS a good thing. And to think there is a fun way of practicing patience with your children is a delightful Idea in my book. To know that playing ball can teach things like, patience, taking turns, cooperative play and sharing makes me want to recommend always putting a ball in a baby shower present for expecting moms. As a former softball player and coach, always remember to take, “You throw like a girl,” as a compliment to you and your children!

5. I don’t have links for you but I do have a list of other toddler loved toys that are probably going to be under $5 at your local store or even Dollar Store. (That’s right $1 toys and art supplies can go a long way with toddlers!) Without further delay, here is the list:

Chalk,

Bubbles

Maracas

Egg Shakers

Tambohrine

Quaker Oats Cylinder with craft paper around it.

Empty Tissue box

Empty shipping boxes to make a fort or sit inside to color the walls!

Empty food containers like cereal boxes without the bag

Empty coffee tins to use as drums etc.

Let me know if you get one of these items for a toddler in your life and if they LOVED it in the comments below! Have other Toddler Toys under $5 suggestions? Let me know in the comments!

Happy Playing :)

Glory Nylander

Www.glorynylander.com