#and somewhat credited me for timeline organization things that we both did but she probably should get more credit for

[kuiinncedes]

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[legobiwan]

Alright, back from seeing Black Widow, my first movie in an actual theater since this whole Covid nonsense blew through. (For the record, the last movie I watched in a theater was Birds of Prey.) Thoughts below.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

You have been warned.

This movie should have been released 4 years ago. Considering everything that has gone down with Infinity War, Endgame, and the TV shows (specifically Falcon & the Winter Soldier), it was somewhat jarring to slingshot all the way back to the period just following Civil War.

On the whole, the action was...okay. Marvel, for me, has always been about the characters more than the boom-booms, and while it was great to see Natasha and Yelena kicking ass all over the screen, it didn't quite have the same immediacy as the hand-to-hand fight sequences in Winter Soldier, which I personally hold as The Standard for Marvel fight choreography.

The best parts of this movie came in the quiet moments, which there were a surprising amount of, considering some of the pre-release criticism had excoriated the film for weighing down the scales on the action side, which I didn't find to be the case at all.

So, chemical subjugation as opposed to straight-up brainwashing. We didn't get too much background on this, beyond Melina's pig experiments, but I'd be interested to see if they expand on this concept (and the antidote) in future media.

(And imagine if that chemical were combined with the serum - Zemo (and Bucky) would have apoplexy. I know there hasn't been much Winter Soldier/Red Room crossover in the MCU thus far, but that would have...legs, I think.)

Speaking of super-soldiers, Red Guardian was fantastic. I laughed. A lot.

Now, he does boast in prison that he fought Captain America in the 80s. Obviously, this was not Steve, as Steve was still doing his best frozen dessert impression in the Arctic at that point. Two possibilities come to mind here (and yes, I realize he could be bullshitting but let me run with this): firstly, (and this is the one I think would be most accurate for MCU projects going forward), is that this might have been Isaiah Bradley. The timeline fits and he's had a solid enough introduction in FatWS that it wouldn't be a stretch of the imagination. My second idea (which is admittedly a lot more fan fiction-y and something I posit solely for the angst angle) is that this "Captain America" was actually a Bucky/Winter Soldier who had been dressed up in some approximation of a Steve costume and made to act as "Captain America" for propaganda/training/observation purposes with the Red Guardian, Bucky's handlers knowing he would be able to emulate Steve's fighting style and vocal cadence, especially with the right manipulations. (Yup, there's a story in there which I will not be writing but would totally read.)

Also, along the line of super-soldiers - what is Red Guardian doing in 2025? Because Zemo would have probably wanted to have a word or a bullet or two.

So Dreykov's plan was to take over the world at his leisure through brainwashing and global assassins? Ehhhhh...didn't love that part, it really felt like Vanilla Hydra-esque World Takeover Mambo #9.

This being said, the scenes with Natasha and Dreykov were some of the best in the movie outside the family shenanigans. ScarJo got to show some real range there and it worked.

And this leads to the social commentary about women in the film. It's funny, because I feel that it was both very well-done (Natasha/Derykov, the forced hysterectomy conversation on the helicopter) but also wholly hamfisted (basically everything with the nameless mass of other Widows and Dreykov's far too pointed, Ebeneezer Scrooge line about controlling the "excess population" of women). The film, as a totality, did well by its female characters, allowed them to be messy, to kick massive ass, didn't touch any kind of forced romance, and definitely communicated how men can exploit women (and young girls). But Marvel (at least in the films - the TV shows tend to be more nuanced) is still not quite getting that balance right and have a habit of tipping into the "tell" (more like instruct from a soapbox) not "show" messaging strategy.

Taskmaster was...okay. Her introduction and first few scenes were cool, as was the way she emulated many familiar fighting forms (I caught Bucky's knife flip, Hawkeye's shooting, and Natasha's whole...thing), but in the end, she was a generic villain of the week, kind of like Ghost in Antman and the Wasp. I really didn't care one way or the other what happened to her.

Anyone else feel like we didn't really get much of an explanation re: Bucharest Budapest even though we kind of got an explanation about Bucharest Budapest?

More of a general cinema comment, but I've been watching all my streaming with captions the past year or so (which has helped me immensely, because sometimes the mixing in these is just not good) and I missed having them here, as a lot of characters tended to deliver lines somewhat sub rosa, and it wasn't always easy to track what was going on.

The family dynamics and Yelena's character were highlights. Gotta find that "cool" away to die.

Interesting that Yelena is already working for Val in the post-credits. Wonder what kind of organization she's setting up there. (Gods, I love Val.)

I will say that Natasha had a lot of wonderful character moments in this film, and it really bridged the gap between the Captain America movies and her Endgame character.

I'm always a sucker for a found family trope. No complaints there.

On the whole, great character moments in the quiet sections, forgettable action (although I'm still figuring out the whole nerve/bashing your head on the table thing), decent meta-commentary but far too removed from its real-life timeline. 7/10

[z-brooke]

I played Black Mirror: Bandersnatch last night and I enjoyed playing until it was finished

Like so many people, I played Bandersnatch last night. I'm a fan of Black Mirror, and I'm also an aspiring game designer, and I got into games through branching narratives, so the era invoked here is pretty significant in games history and the protagonist's goals were relatable to me. This was very exciting for me, and me and my sister, who watched it with me, both love a bit of meta. My mom first told us about it, and while I knew that Netflix had been making interactive stuff, I hadn't known the extent, and she thought the only choice was picking the route for multiple possible endings. This was fortunately so much larger than that.

As the title stated, I really enjoyed it until it was finished. Long winded opinions and spoilers for the specific route I played, Ahoy! (I didn’t do a lot of proofreading on this so my apologies for it being less than stellar, this was quick and casual as I needed to get this out of my system)

The protagonist, Stefan, lives with his father, is making a story based on a book his mother owned, called Bandersnatch and is making an adventure game based on it, and sees a therapist. In this opening scene, the father doesn't seem to be too involved or supportive, but this seems to change, and I don't know if it's because it's because of choices or what. Then Stefan goes to a games studio, Tuckersoft, to pitch his adventure game idea to the owner and his idol, a developer named Colin who has a number of popular games under his belt, with the few we're shown reference Black Mirror episodes. 

Impressed, the owner of Tuckersoft offers him a job at the office, and a team to help him work on it. This is the first truly significant choice. You can accept, or you can decline. Naturally, I eagerly accepted this absolute fantasy scenerio, knowing it was probably a set up. And it was! Colin even tells you "Wrong path" before the scene ends. This leads to a scene where Stefan and his dad are watching a tv show that reviews games, and Bandersnatch, Stefan's novel-based game, is criticized for feeling like it was designed by committee. Stefan angrily declares that he'd going to do it over and... it begins again.

It's not like a game over and it just restarts, it breezes through the beginning until that pivotal choice. Naturally we chose to go with 'decline', and that's when it got really interesting. Stefan seems surprised with this answer, and justifies it by saying that he wanted to work on it by himself at home, afraid that too many people would interfere with how he already had the story in his head. Colin supports this decision. Later, with his psychiatrist, he says that he didn't understand why he said no, and that he had to justify the answer after the fact.

This is brilliant. The first truly significant decision we make for him, largely based on a 'playthrough' that gives us more information than he does, and he openly acknowledges that he doesn't understand refusing that life-altering offer. Very early, it introduces the idea that Stefan is aware when he isn't actually making the decision, and he'll even resist some choices we would make.

Like in another scene, we could choose a nervous tick, biting nails or pulling on earlobe, and we chose nails. He starts to physically resist and push his hand, moving towards his mouth on its own, away, even holding it against the table.

And us as the audience, we typically get two options to choose from (in some cases, only one!), and at one point in our play through, we're immediately told to choose differently and given the choice to choose 'correctly'. This was interesting, but also a bit disappointing. There are parts where the line somewhat 'ends' and 'starts over' in the same vein as before, but Stefan remembers things that have happened, and I think this words better when remaking choices, but this also serves a different function for the narrative.

Bandersnatch is about branching narratives, essentially. There are alternate timelines and universes, or at least heavily suggested and the suggestion alone played a huge role, and we're impacting it with our choices we make, following various paths. There is a part with a password, and depending on the password chosen, it will work and the result will be related to the specifics of the password chosen. And Stefan is very aware that he's not making all of his choices, and he is only occasionally able to stop himself from following blind order.

There's a brilliant section where Stefan calls out in his room to the unknown force controlling his life. He pleads for answers, and instead of making a choice for him, you can control his environment for the first and only time. The brilliance, is that you can choose what the answer is... one of which is 'Netflix'. This was fun and fascinating, making the players, as the players, active characters and participants. It was so exciting, because even as me and my sister were trying to make decisions that were good for Stefan, this was a point where we had to be addressed as still being the ones controlling him as a form of entertainment. Except we didn't, as Stefan stops engaging with us pretty early in, and this leads to a scene, in our play through, that 'ends' very soon after. This was such a wasted opportunity to me, and felt more like a gag, which is such pity, as this would have been, in my opinion, so much more interesting and would have added so much more to the themes and ideas. Instead, the more substantial branches are the decision to explain what's happening with the in-universe, fictional answers, by saying it's a secret government organization or by using a glyph symbolizing branching narratives, that's also associated with the Bandersnatch's book's author, who famously went crazy writing the book then murdered his wife. This leads to different events, naturally, branching out depending on your answer, and how you're impacting Stefan's reality.

Which is a strong part of Bandersnatch, that different choices don't only impact what Stefan does and the consequences, but it genuinely leads to different realities happening in different timelines. There could have been a path that involved aliens that I never saw! It's really complex and exciting when one choice could actually alter the reality Stefan lives in. Stefan isn't always aware of the past timelines, and he's not always aware of what choices are being made for him, but he's always fighting against the forces he believes are controlling him, which is ultimately us, the audience, the players... which makes the possibilities of the Netflix route more tragic that it doesn't exist. Our play through ended with us going back to his childhood and making a choice that we knew was probably going to lead to his death alongside his mother, out of curiosity of how that would impact the timelines, and in part assuming that another event would happen and circumvent their demise, and both would end up alive! (I genuinely kept hoping there'd be a timeline where the mother was alive, and maybe it exists in a path I did not tread...) They both die... and then we're pulled into adult Stefan's psychiatrist session where he's died and his psychiatrist and his father are there as a medic pronounces him dead. It's a very touching scene as the doctor keeps insisted how he had just closed his eyes, they'd been talking then he closed his eyes, and his father begins crying and... game ends.

Not the same 'redo' ending that happened multiple times before, but the credits started rolling. This was honestly one of the most disappointing endings in the Black Mirror pantheon for me. That honestly felt so out of nowhere and confusing. There was so much groundwork about how the timelines could be working and how they interact, and even new information that complicated things often added something and made it more interesting. This seems to contradict what we knew, and seems very sad for no reason, and it's wildly frustrating that the branch that made the least sense and felt devoid of actual impact, ended the entire run for us.

There are multiple endings and a ridiculous amount of branches, so I do plan to play again and hopefully I'll get a better ending, as it's likely that this is a weaker one compared to different ones, and I do think a lot here was very promising. Maybe the mom lives at one point. Maybe Collin lives longer. Maybe Netflix lives.

Overall, I thought it was a super fun experience and I'm sure my end take would have been different with a better ending, but I wonder why this one made the cut at all, considering how out of place it is. I want to play again and see what more it can offer, and hopefully find an ending that feels more satisfying.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Defining Who I Am

I came across a technique to find out what’s most important to you and who you are in the unlikeliest of places - the YouTube comments section. I actually feel ashamed in that I didn’t write down the name of the individual who shared this idea, but nonetheless - I shall discuss it anyway. Just give me no credit for it, because its conceptualisation was not from my mind, even if this application clearly links to my thoughts.

The concept itself focusses on creating a timeline of memories, beginning from when you were first aware of your existence. You should then analyse these memories to distinguish the reasons why they are so significant to you. The reason why then links to who you are as a person. Other memories which would have stuck in somebody else’s mind prominently may not have stuck in mine, and vice versa.

To make this really effective (rather than trying to dredge up every memory I’ve ever had), I’m going to use the first five memories I can think of, in whatever order I like.

In my blogging dashboard, I’m going to write down these five memories as headers first, and then flesh them out. However, you’ll read it as five distinct sections. Thank you for reading, by the way!

1. Being Thrown Against a Metal Fence

I was quite surprised that this was the first memory that popped into my head.

It actually relates to my second primary school. I was in Year Three - we had just moved up to Lincolnshire from Cambridgeshire in the summer, so I started my first day that September at a new primary school.

I remember I settled in fairly well, except for one person - let’s call her Hayley for anonymity (I’ve never known a Hayley in my life). 

In this particular instance, I happened to be out in the playground. It was one of my first days at this new school, so I hadn’t quite integrated into a group of friends just yet, although a few friendly smiles had been passed around, and I was already settling into the work fairly easily (it was primary school stuff, after all!).

This school wasn’t very large. I’d say there was about 70 pupils IN TOTAL - not just in one class. 70 pupils, from Reception right up to Year 6. It was a tiny school, and in many ways I think that’s what made the bullying more of a shock. Although it would be feasible that there’d be fewer people with similar interests, I thought there’d also be fewer people who would be inclined to bully! Guess I was wrong there - because one person in particular took a real dislike to me.

So much so, that I remember strongly how she grabbed me and threw me against some solid, metal railings several times the very first time she met me. Over and over. I can feel the rattling of my body against the cold steel now. My skeleton jolted with every lunge.

I can’t actually remember quite how it stopped. I remember that a few people were just sort of watching - not directly, as such, but in the corner of their eyes as they played Stuck in the Mud - but none of them intervened. I had a feeling that Hayley may have lashed out at them at some stage, but I have no proof of that. Still, that particular episode did end, and in lessons and suchlike I was very happy.

Her behaviour as a whole remained hostile and unapproachable, however. But one thing I’ll forever remain proud of is how when I went home, I explained exactly what was happening to my parents, and I wrote the school council a letter. I wrote it on a piece of bright yellow paper with a blue crayon, and essentially described (in Year 3, 7 and a half year old language) how this behaviour was unacceptable, and I wanted it to stop. 

It did stop, and actually, my classmates started to reject her. They completely turned their back on her, and were quite mean to her for our remaining three years at that school. Unhappy events still occurred at that school (that I have discussed briefly in previous blog posts, particularly to do with the eve of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and food problems), but not because of her. I’m actually filled with guilt now when I think back to that, as I didn’t stand in to stop them turning on her like they did. I know she was cruel to me, and that perhaps in some way I should feel like justice was delivered, but I do not. I almost feel like I made her life worse than she ever made mine, simply because I became friends with everybody else, and we all excluded her.

Why does this stick in my mind?

The physical pain of it has to be why it sprung to mind at first, but equally the regret now leaves an emotional scar. I’ll never forget that look on Hayley’s face when I was standing at a bus stop in Year 8, and I saw her bus drive past. She was looking out of the window with one of the most sorrowful expressions I’ve ever seen in a human being.

How does it relate to who I am today?

In terms of bullying as a whole, I am wholly against it. I seek to comfort people and treat people well, because I know what it feels like to be an outcast. That goes for some of my experiences at secondary school as well, not just at primary school. I try my best to be a good person, especially since I have reflected upon how I perhaps could have done better in terms of reconciling with Hayley (rather than leading to her being shunned).

How does it relate to who I want to be?

I want to make sure that I have thought through my actions so that I do not just think of myself, but think of others too. I want to help others build their self confidence, regardless of if they were the bully, or the person that was bullied.

2. Swimming As a Baby

I don’t think this is an organic memory, because I see myself floating in third person. Clearly, if this were an organic memory, I’d be seeing it through my own eyeballs. It is therefore likely that I have constructed this through what I’ve been told by family.

My mother is there, and I’m floating with those armband thingimabobs doughnutted around my flobbiling baby limbs (do you like my word inventions?). II have a big smile on my face, and a mop of curly black hair splatted on my head (it is wet, after all).

That’s the extent of that particular memory, however it does link to my later meanderings into swimming as a child. Although I had to stop due to my health, I was actually a very successful swimmer for my age and had a lot of talent (not tooting my own horn or anything here, by the way ;-)).

Why does this stick in my mind?

I suppose I see this as the first real example of where sport and activity was integrated into my (family) life from a very young age.

How does it relate to who I am today?

I love being active, and whenever my health has prevented me from being active, I have been deeply upset. I now weight train regularly, both as a mental release and as a way of staying strong despite my diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

How does it relate to who I want to be?

If I ever have any family of my own, I want to guide them to be active from a young age. Professionally, I see myself having activity as a keystone of my career - with my first goal being getting qualified as a personal trainer. As for myself personally, I want to remain as active as I can for as long as I can in relation to my health.

3. Asking For Help to Learn How to Bench Press

A lifting-related memory was also one that immediately sprung to mind today. When I first started weight training, just after my sixteenth birthday, I had no clue how to bench press.

I swaggered (read: meekly shuffled) into the gym, and plucked up the courage to ask a personal trainer how exactly you are supposed to bench press.

This particular personal trainer was extremely kind - she spent more time than she had to showing me exactly what to do. I remember this was before this gym had been renovated, and they had odd-numbered weights - my barbell was 17kg, and that’s what I started bench pressing with before I moved up to the proper bench press station.

Why does this stick in my mind?

My upper body has always been weak, and recently I’ve been improving considerably in my upper body strength. It’s crazy to think how shy I used to be in the gym, when now I’m probably obnoxiously loud at times!

How does this relate to who I am today?

Bench pressing is now actually my favourite exercise in the gym, despite my love for squats, deadlifts and hip thrusts too. It has to be because it felt like the underdog exercise to me. I love it with dumbbells too - not just a barbell.

How does this relate to who I want to be?

I clearly want to keep getting stronger and stronger, both mentally and physically. I remember people telling me that girls ‘don’t get strong upper bodies’, and I wanted to prove them wrong. I want to keep proving them wrong, and I want to keep pushing myself to limits I wouldn’t have ever imagined would be real for me.

4. Admitting My Anorexia

We’re jumping around ages here somewhat, but that’s fine. Back to… fourteen, I think this is? Maybe thirteen. I truly can’t remember the when as much as I can the what. I wouldn’t be surprised if my anorexia damaged my memory capacity at this time somewhat.

Anyway, this was my first hospital appointment regarding my eating disorder. I think I’d been dragged to the doctors’ (after initially being confronted by my parents and being made to ‘confess’), and they almost immediately set up an appointment for me at Grimsby Hospital to speak to some specialists.

I was still at that stage then when I didn’t really believe that I had anorexia, and I wasn’t sure what the fuss was all about. I was hell bent on continuing the way I had, until eventually I died.

Except - at this hospital appointment, I think I must’ve had an angel of a doctor leading the consultation. I think she was a junior doctor, and I also have an inkling that perhaps she had shared similar troubles when she was fourteen. She kept it simple for me - kind and simple. Rather than making me utter the words ‘anorexia’, ‘anorexic’, ‘starve’, or any other related food - she structured her sentences carefully so that I would only have to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Even though these hidden utterances of ‘yes’ or ‘no’ still felt incredibly scary to say, they were masked enough to enable me to admit I had a problem. I could reply factually - yes - without having to acknowledge the diagnosis itself.

Why does this stick in my mind?

I think this appointment was the real turning point in my treatment and recovery from anorexia. I think she gave me just enough of a confidence boost to head forward with recovery.

How does this relate to who I am today?

Clearly, I’m not dead - I was able to adhere to my recovery from anorexia. And although I still have real, serious problems with an eating disorder and my mental health now, I am still firmly on the path of recovery. I also see her actions as an example of how people with mental health issues should be treated - with kindness, courtesy and a solid foundation of support.

How does this relate to who I want to be?

I want to be in a position where I can support others and help them reach a ‘turning point’ in their mental health journeys, so that they too can walk the road of recovery. Clichéd or otherwise, this would fulfil me more than anything.

5. When He Left Without Saying Goodbye

The final memory I have to share is another one from primary school - but this is one from Cambridgeshire, at my first primary. I will use a real name now, because I have no idea what his surname is, so if anybody else actually does know his surname, I’d be happy to get in touch and say hello again.

Anyway. I once had a best friend called Benjamin, and we were pretty much inseparable (at least at school). I view my time in Cambridgeshire with a huge amount of nostalgia, for this was the time that I was swimming, dancing, playing tennis and playing around at school with much joy and freedom.

I’d go to those awesome parties with Pass The Parcel, I’d play on trampolines and I’d build the best things with Duplo or Lego or a bunch of sticks and clay and mud. I’d climb over things (although I was never able to crack monkey bars) and otherwise treat life with that childish glee that I was lucky to have in a mostly peaceful and developed country.

However, my best friend Benjamin was to move away to America. I moved away myself at the end of Year 2, but Benjamin left at the start of Year 2. As a class, we made him a book of memories and I was the one that got to present it to him. I bloody bawled my eyes out, but at lunchtime we played together as normal and things seemed to be fine for a while.

But, at the end of the day, when I rushed to the gates to say goodbye to him, he had already left. I don’t think I’d taken too long at the cloakroom to grab my bag and coat, but he had already gone. Not on the playground, nor the field, nor under the chestnut trees, or on the winding path leading out of the school grounds. This was yet another small school - about 150 pupils in total here - so there weren’t many places he could be… but he had already gone.

I had already said goodbye, but I wanted to say goodbye again. I wanted to give him a hug. I wanted to keep in touch with him somehow. But he was gone - and in some childish sense, I felt like I had been abandoned - even though it was never really his choice to move anyway.

Why does this stick in my mind?

The beautiful nostalgia of a time I would really consider childhood, without mental or physical health difficulties, and the memory of my first best friend will always stick with me. 

How does this relate to who I am today?

It’s only very recently, at eighteen years old - rather than five or six - that I‘ve started to build close friendships again. But nothing has ever felt as close as my friendship to Benjamin, even though I’m now older and can have more meaningful conversations and suchlike as a young adult.

How does this relate to who I want to be?

I try and be real in my friendships, and let my friends know what I truly think. I don’t hide away from conflict and instead seek practical resolutions to things, because I don’t want there to be a time where we may get caught on a bad feeling without being able to move forward if circumstances separate us.

That’s the good kind of retrospection. I think recently I’ve been too retrospective in the sense of degrading my every choice and questioning why I didn’t act differently - but that felt more like I was simply wondering both who and how I am today.

So, to conclude - I’m going to finish off on five points (in no particular order) that sum up who I am now, and five characteristics or goals I want for the future.

Today

Loyal to those I value

Energetic at heart, but easily distracted

Empathetic to others’ situations…

… but I still choose to be selfish at the wrong times

Determined (and at times, stubborn!)

The Future

An empathetic expert in my field

Stronger; physically and mentally

Focussed and driven

Disciplined

Prepared to take a risk

Overall, although this took some time, I think this was a very empowering use of my time. Give it a go!