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#and thank you for allowing me to be kind
saddestspaghetti · 10 months
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"I'm spiraling" I tell you.
I feel completely empty. The anxiety is overwhelming so I try to fill every waking moment with... something. But there is a wall between me and everything productive and I fall back to self destructive habits instead. There's a familiar taste in my mouth.
I'm desperate to end this cycle and even though I can see the exit, with its bright neon sign, I can't seem to find my way out. 
"It's like I'm caught in this terrible loop that's too painful to keep going but without the pain I don't feel anything. I don't know what to do without my racing heart and the lump in my throat." 
Tears are running down my cheeks but those sobs that once wracked my body never come.
"It's not a loop, it's a spiral."
You mean it mostly as a joke. You're trying to make me smile, maybe even laugh. And it works. But the context and depth of your words are not lost on me and the deafening silence of the void inside me begins to quiet just a bit.
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 1 year
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Ask and you shall receive (a sneak peak of what's to come)
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A goodbye (but not a sad one!!!!)
I've been on antidepressants for almost a year now. This is the first year of my life in many, many years where I've been, genuinely, enjoying life. And, even in the moments where things are Not Great, I still feel great because I'm not constantly trying to off myself.
And it's not just the meds. I've been more in contact with my friends, I'm going out, meeting people. I'm getting the opportunity to be a young woman in my early twenties, to drink and wake up in the morning kind of regretting staying out late, but still having so. much. fun.
I still go to church, sometimes. Because it doesn't bother me anymore, because I can sit there, finally comfortable in my own skin, knowing that I know who I am and what I believe and that's enough.
And all of that has got me thinking: this is truly the only life that I have. There's no way of knowing what comes after this.
And I finally feel safe enough to feel really fucking great to affirm that there is no way that I'm going to spend the only life that I know I have denying myself of all the joys that exist in being a human being. I don't want to spend my days thinking of all the ways I was made wrong. Of all my shortcomings. Days of Making myself little, so He can be Great.
Which is why I think I'm ready to let go of this blog.
I created this space when I was feeling so much rage, so much sadness, and I needed community. And I got that, I truly did! I never really interacted much, but it was so great to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings.
This space means so much to me, because not only it helped me heal, but it's also proof that, yeah, I didn't think I would, but I survived.
I've been thinking of this for a while, and this post was supposed to be just this: a rant. But I feel like, in order to continue, I need to put some things behind, which includes my lovely blog.
I don't know if anyone cares, but I felt like I needed to say goodbye. I've been here for a while, and I've seen people come, and go, and I know I remember people and still check their blogs even when they disappear, so to anyone that might remember me and come across this blog:
I was here. I stayed, and it hurt so much, and I thought this kind of suffering would be never ending. And it wasn't. So I left.
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melverie · 11 months
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on a scale of 1 to satan how bbg is mephisto
Satan has had far more time to establish his place as the ultimate babygirl (to me at least), so I can't give Mephisto the honor of being anywhere near his level but man the devs are making sure that he's at least getting close
I mean he
is the local horsegirl
apparently has a massive sweet tooth
stakes his entire self-worth on being useful to the future ruler of the land
seems to be great with kids
is super diligent. Just look at how much effort he is putting into journalism despite absolutely having no interest in pursuing that field in the future
is an honorary member of the Anti-Lucifer League, yet refuses to spread any false information about him in the school newspaper and mostly ends up singing his praises instead
runs said newspaper (and as someone who did the same for a year, I respect that a lot)
isn't really all that interested in MC, which is a nice change of pace
and finally, seems to dye his hair purple which makes him look like an eggplant <3
Also when he saved MC from falling on the ground and then brushed it off afterwards because he "only did what anyone would have done" back in season 4? That part was so good
ALSO Solmare could easily give him the perfect blushing face. Just look at him
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bleue-flora · 7 months
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Yo! Just noticed it’s the anniversary of when I finished my second fanfic Dreamcatcher, which is the work I actually started to lean into writing fanfiction (since my first work I really just wrote for myself before being encouraged to share it).
So, in honor of that, here is some of the original second nightmare which was actually written from Dream’s pov before I ended up changing it to Punz’s.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Referenced Torture, Blood, Death, Injuries, Profanity.
Dream is wet and panting, in a puddle of watery red flowing into an equally crimson pond to his side, where the non diluted liquid gets thicker.
There’s white fur stuck in it as the body of a dog, slashed to bits lies there next to him. Both sitting in the despairing silence of the box.
Tears form in the corners of his eyes and his vision gets blurry, but he doesn’t let them fall. He just exhales.
Why does everything die around him? Why does everything he dare to care a smidge about get taken from him?
As if to follow his thoughts, the white turns to black. The fluffy bloodied dog shifts into a cat that’s long since stopped breathing. Dream turns his head, and faintly smirks at the sight of the additional body sprawled out on the floor next to him.
He mutters to the corpse under his breath, rolling his eyes, “To be fair, you were being a bitch. Like don’t blame me, you know you d—deserved it… I mean I lasted like—how long before beating your head in? That’s pretty impressive—pretty fucking impressive, you know.”
Tommy’s body doesn’t respond, just stays there, unmoving and uncharacteristically quiet. His face swollen and bruised, not unlike the innocent cat he beat to death.
Then his body evaporates and Dream finds himself in a new room, accented with black walls and bedrock. It’s detail is perfectly ominous like he wanted.
He’s kneeling, unguarded by armor with an audience of people surrounding him. His heart beats rapidly threatening to burst out of his chest at the danger. But he ignores it.
Indignant, Tommy rips off the mask that always covers his face. Exposing his pale skin to the cool air and the venomously judging faces.
Despite the frustration at his denial of privacy, he doesn’t so much as dignify it with a flinch. It was expected. He was ready. He’s not about to show weakness in front of a crowd.
They are silent as the axe lands, and lands again before lady death finally embraces him.
They are silent as the sword finds its place in his chest and he falls to the ground, bleeding out into the cold stone beneath him.
It’s ok. He knew this would happen. It was expected, it was planned. He didn’t know they’d kill him twice, but it’s fine.
On one life, he makes his way back down with sharp pain running through his veins. Somehow it seems duller than the pain in the prison cell, though it can’t have been less excruciating.
Tommy once again stands above him savagely firing arrows away. As they pierce his flesh and bone, he searches the cold faces around him and listens intently, hoping to hear one sound of objection to his approaching final death.
Surely, someone will say something, right? Surely, someone will oppose his final death, right? Surely, they woundn’t let Tommy kill him off in cold blood. Would they?
But there’s nothing from them. Absolutely nothing. Standing there, dripping in blood, he feels his heart entirely disintegrate into nothing. Leaving only a hollow emptiness in its wake.
Then suddenly he’s freezing from more than just death and despondency. He’s surrounded by ice. Their pillars, tall and sharp, casting the land in a pointed terrain. Despite the bone chilling air and his frozen insides, he stands, planted to the ground, looking at a sign pinned to the glacier. The wood marking the death of his parrot that travelled so far only to die there.
A deep sigh is released from his lungs and the scene smears into broad strokes of colors. Until a well known bleak room encases him in lava and obsidian again.
Sitting there with nothing but the annoying sounds of the prison to keep him company, he wonders if he’s always destined to lose everything. Was it always going to end up like this? Was he always going to end up alone?
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The fact that Vash has to keep reminding himself that he can also be threatening and dangerous probably means something that I am too tired to piece together atm but for now it's just funny to me.
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i am GENUINELY SHELLSHOCKED at the new inanimate insanity episode
it was amazing???? SO. GOOD???
also taco was there so thats always a win
but yeah i giggled and screamed and jawdropped to my heart's content i had a great time
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problemnyatic · 1 year
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so does putting "men dni" in your shit actually reduce the number of shitheads you get or does it just filter out the dudes who actually care about boundaries in the first place
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tenebriism · 3 months
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// Oh, I see. We're hyping each other up today, are we? <3
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llondonfog · 1 year
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Hey! For the headcanon game, can I get an 🤬 headcanon for Lilia? But maybe if youre up to it can you give a headcanon for before and after lilia adopted Silver? Because I think while both versions of him have the same triggers (fucking around with someone he's protecting,) I think that General Vanrouge and Lilia have very different ways of going batshit crazy angry. If not that's cool, I always love reading your writing and hope you have a good day!
hc game !
YOU ARE SO CORRECT!! I've actually incorporated this in a few aus before because it makes so much sense? That Lilia would have to learn how to talk to and engage with a child in a softer, kinder way than he would any of his soldiers— and a human one at that! We don't know much of anything regarding Lilia's past (here's hoping Ch7 sheds some light on it), but we do see from the last part how cold and clipped his voice was when addressing those he saw to be humans. I don't think he was ever as prejudiced as Sebek's grandfather, but one could easily understand his brusque reservations when we consider he's been fighting wars for centuries now against them.
(plus we kind of see him confess that in his birthday vignette where he talks about the realization with a hint of regret of how he was training Silver like a soldier when he was just a child.)
(and now that I think about it, it's interesting too how Lilia addresses Silver/Sebek/Yuu in the last part because we know from Malleus' memory that he was fairly congenial and kind to Malleus after his tantrum in the palace. So this is definitely a 'battlefield' voice and mindset that he's in right now.)
I also think it's so fascinating because (my personal hc) of how late we are in Lilia's life that he learns this kind of skill. Yes, he mentored Malleus, yes, he spoke to him with understanding, but also respect for the position that Malleus had— he's the crown prince, Lilia is simply a General in the scheme of their hierarchy. I will die on this hill that Silver was the first to teach Lilia of unconditional love and genuine, sweet devotion, and that irrevocably changed Lilia on a fundamental level.
SO AFTER THAT DISCUSSION—
General Vanrouge HC: His anger is a great and terrible thing of laser sharp focus, honed to the nth degree of brutality. The night sings for him, in him, through him, and the devastation he wields is awe-inspiring for the soldiers that follow like devotees in his footsteps. He's not a cruel leader, never one to humiliate a lower-ranking member for a mistake made in training, but he is an exacting one— he has no patience for the inept and no tolerance for failure. This is war, (one that already claimed the lives of their king and queen), and his only purpose is to serve his ruling family and protect their lands against those that would wish to seize them. There is no room for error, and second chances on the battlefield only end in death.
Papa!Lilia HC: After adopting Silver, Lilia learns to laugh at a lot of things. His son's well-meaning messes, his earnest attempts at soup that end up burning in the pot— these aren't life or death situations, even if the tears welling up in Silver's eyes deem them as such. Lilia weathers the clouds that dampen his child's wondrous eyes with a kiss on his head and a reassuring squeeze, finding what he assumes could only be the sun's warmth soothing his bones where fire once scorched. Silver never sees his father's wrath, not this child of peace. He will never know the madness that his very presence has tamed and stilled behind Lilia's heart, the wildfire now banked into a cozy hearth.
He's slower to anger now, mild in his calculations. There is so much to be gained by conversation instead of confrontation, and he ensures this lesson is taught to Silver not by bloodshed and loss on the battlefield, but from the comfort of his father's lap, held safely between the shielding force of Lilia's arms.
(But if a single hair were to be harmed on the head of his son, if anyone approached his child with ill intent, well. He'd only be too happy to demonstrate that he still remembers in perfect clarity how to vivisect a living body.)
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fobnsfwdoodlesbackup · 10 months
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Hi!! You've said interacting with your art this way is cool before so my brain said say less. I couldn't decide between two wildly different directions for this so have both. External vs internal maybe because I had neon brainworms while looking at this most of the time and went and made one
OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS?!? (hello everything under the cut is me, everything above the cut is the submission) I am so so so honored that you liked my art enough to do this!! I can't express how happy this makes me as I always want to see my work in full color but rarely have the time! I might be able to put out some pngs if anyone wants to use them as coloring sheets to pass the time :3
Crying at the color choices, font, lights, basically all your creative decisions and the fact that you would even take the time for this. God bless this is my faaaaaaaaave I'm putting it on the fridge!!
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baellielurk · 1 month
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attacks i made this 2024 artfight :3 in order of images, the characters belong to: @maripapercat, @adxmanial, ~AHHHHHhhhhhh664, ~M_the_little_mouse, @returnflame, @jules-makes-stuff, @gothoctopus, ~Sarahfox14, @mx-lamour, faun.draws, ~alkanones, @nouveaumoon, DevotedlyStar, ~Faildemon, cute-l0ve
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hello person behind the curtain!! the curtain master if you will :) i'm not like super cool and all but i just wanted to say ur doing great with this ask blog and i can't wait to see more of it!! this blog has indirectly (or directly?? who knows) made mollie my fav character!! if we're allowed to ask questions, i do have a few..! 1. what are your pronouns
2. do you have another blog or socials just for like. ur art. i like a lot :]
3. who's ur fav indigo park character in the game and in this au!! i hope u have a banger day/night and ur don't forget ur super awesome and touched loads of ppl (me) with ur work!! oh and have this: You've obtained a self-sustaining pocket sized cat! please take good care of it and i hope it helps improve ur mood when u ever feeling blue okay this was long um bye bye!!!! *runs away*
<naw im sure youre cool in your own way!! youre plenty sweet anyway, thank you for being so invested in my silly little au :DD!!>
<pronouns are funny little things :33c i generally do not care and in fact am encouraging yall to go wild with what pronouns you use for me. check out the pronoun closet if you need ideas for neopronouns to go wild with> <thank you for liking my art!!! im @niftukkun both on here (tumblr) and furaffinity!! i generally tag my art as [#my art] but if youre hoping for more indigo park look somewhere else lmao i dont draw it as much outside of this askblog> <salem for both!! very gender i love them lots. also i have a particular fondness for both potionmakers and shopkeepers so like of course shes favourite>
<again youre very sweet thank you!! ill keep my awesomeness in mind, and i will cherish this lil cat friend. thank you for your curiousity and kindness!!>
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rhaenyrasbabydaddy · 2 months
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I added this to my pinned post but I want to make it super clear because like I'm getting asks about it now (yikes on so many and several different bikes): The URL is not a reflection on how seriously I take this character but I also enjoy laughing and having a good time so if that bothers you, good news! Tumblr invented a block button just for that.
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good-beanswrites · 1 year
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Hello hello! It's me again! (That one Anon who requested Lies with Kazui & Yuno, but I've set up my account now so no need to ask anonymously again lol) Thank you for satisfying my previous request, it was such a delight to read. I keep rereading it every now and then and I'm still always left in awe with it like jesus christ you didn't have to go all in on that im sobbing with the 0207 friendship dynamic.
I've also seen your latest post and drabble asks. I'd like to request from the Drabble List#1 - #5 “Idiots. They are all idiots.” with Es themselves!
Let the prisoners have fun and Es just stares at them nonchalantly, silently judging their idiocy from afar, hell, maybe even let Yuno/Mikoto convince them to join. You can do anything as long as you think it'll fit, they're all just a little silly (minus the fact they're in prison lol).
With all that said, take your time and no rush! I can always wait. Thanks a lot! ...now back to rereading my previous request for the nth time,, i love it so much,, thankyouagain
Ah thank you so much, that means so much!! I'm so glad you liked it, that one was really nice to write :'D And yesss thank you for the request -- this was such a blast to do as well! (though I also made myself emotional over Es' lost childhood, that was less fun ;___;) I debated on several activities within the prison but thought this was plausible and fun for some mid-T1 shenanigans
Es had a job to do. They had many eyes watching them. They had several lives in their hands. They had heavy responsibilities. They didn’t have time for something as silly as ‘video game night’, regardless of the laughter that bubbled up from the common room as they passed by. They were not way tempted to join, regardless of how much fun the group seemed to be having when they peered their head in.
Fuuta had whined that Es had replaced all his requests with completely outdated consoles and games, confirming they had been successful in choosing things without any access to the internet or outside world. Plus, they thought, this gave the older prisoners a fighting chance with some of the games.
Not that they cared whether or not the prisoners had a good time. That wasn’t any concern of theirs. Even in these long periods of rest between their more eventful duties, they must remain focused.
The laughter crescendoed into delighted screaming.
Es figured one more look inside wouldn’t hurt. They were supposed to be keeping an eye on everyone, after all. 
The prisoners had gathered various chairs and bedding material, creating makeshift couches. Some piled onto the new seating, some splayed out on the ground, others stood in excitement. The television was so small, the two players needed to lean all the way forward to see. 
Mahiru bounced in her seat as Yuno whipped around her remote. Fuuta was demanding Kazui play better, gesturing wildly at the screen. Shidou chucked to himself as the others grew more intense. Haruka kept asking questions about the game, receiving an answer only about half the time. 
As the match got closer, Yuno leapt to her feet. She tried to shimmy in front of Kazui and block his view. He stood to prod her out of the way. Muu called foul play, though she said it with a thrill rather than accusation. Fuuta repeated it -- with quite a lot of accusation -- and tried to push Yuno out of the way. Mikoto tried to hold him back, voicing his support of Yuno’s methods. 
The others got caught up in the yelling. Amane’s eyes were wide in anticipation. Kotoko pumped her fist as the battle got even closer. The room erupted in movement and shoving and tripping and remote pulling -- until they yanked the tiny television forward. 
The thick cord came free, and the screen went black just before a winner was announced. Ten voices chorused their outrage.
Es shook their head. “Idiots. They are all idiots.”
They turned away as the prisoners hurried to set everything up again. They were just about to turn the corner into the panopticon when Yuno’s voice called from behind.
“Hey!” She ran up, taking advantage of their brief pause. “I saw you passing by. Why don’t you come join us?”
Not for the first time, Es wished they had enough height to look down on all the prisoners. “I’m your warden. I’m not some child here to play games with you all.”
She pursed her lips. “I’m not a kid either. But I’m still down for a night to unwind.”
“You’re lucky to have the luxury to relax. I, on the other hand, am busy right now.”  
Yuno made a show of looking left, then right, across the empty hallway. “And what exactly are you doing right now?”
“I’m working.”
She frowned. “Uh-huh…”
“I am!” They fumbled for more, coming up blank. They should have known the moment she came skipping over to them that it would be impossible to fool her. There was no need for this routine check of the prison; everyone was gathered in the common room except them. Yuno had known this before uttering a single word.
Her hands fluttered in a dismissive gesture. “Too much work is never good for you. It doesn’t matter how mature you are -- if you get too caught up in your job it’ll drive you to some crazy things.” She smirked. “Just look at Shidou. Or Mikoto!”
“I could look at you…”
Though surprise flickered across her face, she kept grinning. “Exactly! So let’s get you in here.” She tugged on their arm. Prisoners couldn’t physically move Es against their will. 
They huffed as they found themselves inching closer and closer to the entryway.
“I suppose I can come and watch,” they muttered, “and still keep an eye on you all.”
“No! No more working!” She managed to get them into the room. “Here, you can take my spot in the next round.”
Kazui looked over. “Who said you were getting the next spot?”
“Oh come on, I was clearly going to win that one.”
“Clearly? I'm pretty sure was seconds away from beating you.”
“Well then, I guess Es can take your spot.”
“Es is playing?” Haruka looked up excitedly. 
“I haven’t agreed to anything yet.”
It was as if they hadn’t said anything at all. The others launched into a discussion of who would give their remote to Es? Who would they’d face off against? Were they resetting the bracket they’d begun? Which game would they return to? The ten argued in circles for a while. For a group of murderers, they were insistent on a fair tournament. After breaking up some bickering that could have become physical, Es once again wondered how they ended up watching over a mess like this. 
At length the game was chosen, and a rematch was slated for Yuno and Kazui later in the night. To save themself time and sanity, Es went ahead and picked their opponent.
“I’ll play Fuuta.” 
He had been the obvious choice: he could supply enough chatter for the both of them, so Es could remain silent. Also, he was guaranteed to win and free them from an obligation to play more than one round. They flashed a look at some of the more observant prisoners, hoping they didn’t tip them off.
However, no one was really watching them too keenly. Mahiru clapped in joy. Yuno beamed. Mikoto shoved a remote into their hands. Haruka started rapidly explaining the rules to them. Shidou directed Es to their seat in the center. Kotoko gave them an encouraging nod. As expected, Fuuta was already deep into trash talk as he sat next to them.
They really were simple-minded people, more focused on this silly game than the fact their warden had just sat amongst them. It was dangerous to let one’s guard down in a place like this, Es reminded themself. 
With a little jingle, the match began. 
Their fingers flew across the controls. Though they had a rocky start, some sort of muscle memory kicked in. Surely this game had come out before they were born, and there was no way they’d played it regularly. None of that mattered much. Their little avatar was obviously gaining the lead.
Their eyes stayed fixed on the screen as they received slaps on the back and nudges. Their guard's cap was knocked off in the shuffling, but they couldn't risk picking it up. Voices called all around them.
“Aw, don’t just let the kid win!” Mikoto said.
“I’m not!” Fuuta was desperate. “They fucking tricked me! They’re a pro!”
Es felt energy run through their entire body. Their original plan already slipping away, they wondered if they could actually beat Fuuta. It would be fun to see… They leaned forward, holding their breath. The audience continued cheering the pair on. Once again, the room was swept up in shouts.
The match ended. A little banner flashed across the screen to name Es victorious. They jumped up, a small whoop escaping them. 
They would’ve melted in shame right then and there, if the sound weren’t already drowned out by the surrounding chaos. The others laughed and shook Es in amazement. Fuuta let out a string of colorful language.
“That was incredible!”
“Holy shit!”
“How’d you do that?”
Es placed the cap back on their head, pulling it over their eyes. “I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter. I’m done for the night.” They tried to pass off the remote, but Mikoto pushed it back into their hands. 
“Nuh-uh. I want to see this for myself.” He grabbed the other one from a dejected Fuuta. “Same game. Same characters. Lemme see what you’ve got.”
Es wasn’t meant to play one round, much less get caught up in their ridiculous tournament.
Don’t be an idiot, they told themself.
“Bring it on,” they told Mikoto.
#milgram#es#yuno kashiki#fuuta kajiyama#mikoto kayano#and everyone else#i always worry it gets too busy with too many characters but i think this works 👍#thank you for all your kind words!!! i feel like a broken record but it really means so much to me --#im so happy youre enjoying these as much as i am >:3#my next one is going to be a bit more serious but it was really fun doing these lighter ones :')#they deserve a night of relaxation and fun! im absolutely obsessed with es' insistence on their duty and solemn attitude#because theyre just a kid! they need a break! theyd get excited and competitive just like anyone else! they should be allowed to!#UGH#i think es and amane are a bit too similar with their struggles with age and being controlled by adults where its harder to get along#but yuno also understands what its like to want to be seen as a responsible mature person despite a younger age#and shed know how best to say things lightly but still meaningfully <3#yeah i thought about them doing sports or cooking or karaoke but this worked the best#haruka and amane dont have much experience with video games but i think theyd catch on quick#shidou has a lot of fun but he sucks ass LMAO#mahiru also isnt great but even if she was doing good shed let everyone else win to make sure their spirits stay up#im a sucker for writing where a character says something over and over and you just know theyre trying to convince themselves 😂#someone tell me to stop rambling in the tags and just make a new post for gods sake asdfsdfds#i hope you enjoy!#im late by now but woo happy getting your account set up 👏 welcome to the hellsite...#drabbles
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oilcolor · 3 months
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did not expect that to get the notes it did lmao??
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