#and that my friends is what I call tea
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Friendship ended with my simpy new pal over me asking him not to call me pretty so he had a tantrum and blocked me everywhere... bratty boy behaviour tonight
#rambles#ok to rb#true story... itso funny lol like he was like i dont get it what else am i supposed to call you#and i was like well make something up based on my interests and vibes like even my other friends get the assignment#izzy shoutout for calling me a pillbug#anyway he was like well this is too much you can just not be my friend and block me#shocker bro goes and blocks me everywhere instead like ??????#you had 1 job.... call me a buggy wuggy or some shit anything thats not pretty#bro was also super touch starved and treated removing my compression glove like a victorian lady showing off her ankle TT_TT#imso tired soz if i missed any tea its 2:40am
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Yesterday I was musing about how I haven’t really had a bad nightmare since I went on SSRIs and then I proceeded to have a full blown night terror
#it was so so bad on so many levels#in the first part of my dream i had ordered edibles and shroom powder to be sent to my house (not surprising; i would do this)#and they got delivered by a man who looked completely judgemental of me#but i didn’t care because there was a hot woman there who made me shroom tea#it tasted terrible but i drank it all anyway. and had a weed gummie. and she had a ‘weed patch’ as well that she was trying to get me to put#on my stomach. but i was worried it’d be too potent#since my actual body was sober; i didn’t feel any of the effects of this drug within the dream (obviously) but i was operating under the#assumption they were going to kick in so i was really anxious#then this woman was going through my stuff and she found dead bodies?? like dessicated bodies of multiple people#and i was like ‘i don’t know who the hell that is. i guess they belong to whoever lived here before’#we weren’t in my actual house; we were in like a massive old four-storey house with an attic which i think was where the bodies were#in the dream this was MY house#then for whatever reason i went on a trip with this person i used to be friends with to her childhood home#which was suddenly in a really creepy neighbourhood#she suddenly had a sister who was maybe 11 years old and catatonic due to being demonically possessed. and this kid seemed to be the head#of a cult basically. she had something called the ‘angel guard’ under her thrall. and when i asked what the angel guard were#my friend was just casually like ‘oh they bury you alive’ WHAT?????#then someone unpeeled the weed patch and smacked it on me and i woke up just as i was about to be buried alive#i think there was more to it than this. there was also a creepy woman but i can’t remember the significance of her#it was just such an unnecessarily scary dream. i woke up at like 6am TERRIFIED#i haven’t had a nightmare in so long lol i’m unequipped to cope. especially since my dreams have gotten so much more vivid#now that i’m medicated. i feel like i’m fine with the vivid dreams most of the time but when they’re this bad.. no#personal
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daily doodles 30th january - 5th february
#daily doodles#oc: blobae#hi tumblr friends what’s your opinion on bubble tea?#i just had a cup and i feel jittery#it was delicious#also! the catboy with the lion tail is called rahn he’s my other catboy oc#idk how to blobbify his name… bahn??? blohn?????#BLAHN??????
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Hii i love you
#this is yes about all of you all of my friends and acquaintances and followers#and like only 2% about the tiny crush I’ve imagined I have#it’s probably notthing dw about it it’s not any of you#just sometimes the longing yearning etc manifestssoemwtjinh jusy for the sake of it#but whatever it’s nothing this post is for everyone else I love you thanks for being here mwah#kestrel calls#chitter chatter#text post#I’m lying in bed trying to sleep and this was bouncing around in my head#so when I had to wake up a little to figure out what was being watched on the other side of the wall#I woke up enough to make a tumblr post to#o#this is also about the tea I had today that was so delightful it was an earl grey with oat milk and orange and all sorts of good flavors
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being the same age as most long term lolitas were when they started getting into it but its different now bc there is just so much less of a community it feels like... like for me i feel more like i am finding a lot of individuals but no local communities bc its just rlly died down i think... like i found a 2013 pph article about a lolita meetup downtown. i dont think that wld happen now even if i COULD find a local community
#i think if theres not a lolita tea party/panel this year at pcm i will host one next year...#by then ill have been actively in the subculture for like a year and ill know a little more.. rn im JUST starting out i wld have no clue#what to do... but like i have ideas for stuff that wld be soo fun and ive always wanted to host/participate in an event or panel#once i was picked to participate in the fandom state alchemist test or w/e its called but then they wldnt let me after they saw my boot#which was so fail bc i absolutely cld have done tthe challenges with a broken foot. BLAH anyway#or like i hope they try the jfashion show again UGH probably not since it had to be cancelled due to lack of participation...#i jst would looove to have lolita friends in the area... idk how successful i wld be at converting someone and my sibling doesnt count#or ONE lolita friend... i only know of one lolita in maine and shes pretty well known in the NA lolita community from what i can tell so#ive met her a couple times actually she is very nice. idk what i am trying to say tbh#im more open to making friends at pcm in a lolita context and not a cosplay context bc every cosplayer ive interacted with for more than a#passing comment or picture turned out to be like umm a freak#or one of my moms students <- student who made all the dresses for the haunted town tour cosplaying kanaya that one year and then me showin#my mom the meetup pictures and her going omg.... thats d///////#she was a really really incredibly seamstress btw her costumes were beautiful. anyway. iconic.#i think probably i havent talked to anyone in a while and it is wearing me down i have to make these massive posts every day
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Thinking about an AU where The Operator transports the gang as lil kiddins into the middle of season three, and now Tim and Jay have to look after this gaggle of kids
#lil alex is fucking horrified at adult him killing people#lil brian is mostly bummed out that future him isn't doing cool vigilante shit on the Operator#i have a scene in my head where lil Tim is running from the operator and lil Jay starts throwing rocks at the thing to get its attention#ok i don't wanna keep calling them just little so nicknames#I'll call them Al‚ Tea‚ Bee‚ and.... Blue#maybe Al can knock some sense into Alex#anyways they all become best friends and are very sad when at the end they have to go back to before#and they won't remember each other#but! they still have this bond like. when they all meet again in college they are inseparable#so when weird shit starts happening it goes a bit differently#like. Alex actually. ya know. TALKS TO HIS FRIENDS ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS#maybe they can slowly remember shit from their visit to the original timeline#as a treat#they also get to meet mini thems#bc I gotta make this a cycle of events#it's fun#anyways that's all i have about that in my brain#so with it what you will#marble hornets
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If I loved Wataei less I might be able to talk about them more....
#You know what I also like. Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice (knows that's a quote from Emma)#Gosh I really need to read Emma#Been meaning to but I've just been chipping away at mansfield park because it is so long#and personally I find it rather tedious to read because...Well let's just say I'm not very partial to people marrying their cousins#I am aware it was not strange in ye olden days but it's one of those modern biases I can't really shake off#but I can live with it it's just something that makes me do a little displeased frown because honestly#that's the best match the poor girl could've gotten in that book there were no better options at least the guy wasn't a complete moron#as far as I can gage at least#but I guess that's my fault for starting with Pride and Prejudice I found my Austen otp in Elizabeth and Darcy I just think they're really#really neat#I originally got into Jane Austen because I have a classmate or well I guess friend would be a fitting term too although we don't really#talk outside of a school setting or outside of the group but I don't really talk to anyone outside of the group or school anyways so#might as well just call her a friend#but yes she is very into Jane Austen she's such an anglophile in the best way possible it's very endearing she can tell you a lot about tea#and such#but back to topic I got into the books because she liked them and we share an english class where we're the only ones from our little bubbl#so naturally that sparks conversation and what to talk about when two people who are into english novels if not english novels#I got her to read Sherlock Holmes and she still like Agatha Christie better#but I was very happy about that because I really like Sherlock Holmes#she's much more patient than some of my other friends if that's the right word so that makes talking easier#it's not fun when you can tell your conversation partner doesn't really care#so now I'm still trying to get through all the Auste novels I'm doing a terribly poor job at it#been at it since January how many have I managed to finish? two.#I'm listening to the audiobooks and listening to engllish can be very tiring and the lady that narrates has a very nice voice so sometimes#I fall asleep and lose the point where I was so then I have to start the entire chapter again and it's a whole thing really#but where were we ah yes Wataei#I love them I really do it's such a shame I wish I could articulate it and put it into words#but instead I have this feelings soup#oh for shame what a horrible horrible world to live in#I missed rambling in my tags I think if I'm too scared to post something I'll just put it aaaaaalll in my tags again
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pissed off at my friend again why do you gotta be such a bitch about what music I like
#when we first became friends she almost exclusively listened to english indie rock. which sure yeah ok#then she starts listening only to old latvian music and starts judging me for mostly listeninf to english music ?#acts like i have never heard a song in latvian in my life despite being a singer for 12 years. singing mostly in latvian#ok whatever. i like a lot of latvian music too but whatever say what you want#start listening to more latvian music find a bunch of artists i really like. tell her about them#she acts like all of those bands are shit and im still uncultured because i dont listen to. fucking choir and folk music#like yes its beautiful but it is not my cup of tea listen to what you want#today i send in the chat that theres a sale on sudden lights tickets because i know a different friends sister likes them a lot#of course she texts immediately 'i dont like them' girl i wrote 'those who need this' for a reason. i know u dont like them. i dont care#and then she has the audacity to call me stupid for not wantinf to watch a choir concert for 4 hours ? girl i do not like choir music#i didnt give you shit because you dont like sudden lights why do you shit on me for not liking choir music#its pretty but i am busy and also dont care that much ???#stop being so pretentious oh my fucking god. i get it your choir girly but shut UP#rant#personal
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most embarrassing memory?
"I... may have called Y'shtola "mom" on multiple occasions...
She will not let me live it down..."
"In my defense, she looks just like her from the back! Over time mom's muted lilac hair has gone white and they have a similar style to it and they even have similar mannerisms and, and-"
#Ki'to#Answerin' asks#I found this in my drafts for some reason???#Yeah this poor man has called her mom on multiple occasions#The Scions all joke about it now#“You best not keep your mother waiting”#“Why don't you join your mom and I for tea?”#“What would mother dearest think?”#He wants to kick each of them every time#Also yes I did pick the dialogue option to call her mom during the story because of this#ffxiv oc#ffxiv wol#ffxiv#Thank you for the ask friend!
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dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭
#🌙.vents#i don't remember sleeping this long i think i woke up 12 then 2 then#5. i wld've slept for longer if i didn't force myself to get up n i think the milk tea helped wake me a bit#i'm so..#the burden of my regrets r so suffocating. there are times i can't see anything else when i'm drowning in them.#if such trivial failures affect me this much then how tf will i survive in this cruel world?#i know i'll always find my way but i wonder the lengths of what i sacrifice. of what i deny and destroy within myself#& of how it'll affect me in the unforeseeable future. of what more loss and pain it'll bring in this world#compared to before i don't often put up a mask anymore. even if it's painful i choose to be authentic. i've improved in that sense#but it's not enough. perhaps i'm simply too harsh on myself; forgetting i am human and that i falter too. i'm not perfect n i shouldn't be.#even with my shortcomings there r ppl that stay. that say thank you. and. yeah. yeah.. that should be proof enough of real reciprocation#but.#i don't know am i really just so afraid of being forgotten? left behind? thinking of it n i used to write of that fear often back then#opening up to 'friends'. being told i was loved. that i would always have my place here#this is pathetic i grew up relying too much on success for my worth. i know i'm so much more but#i placed this on myself. this is the ocean i chose to drown myself in. so when i falter in the only thing i grew up being good that#bcs it hurts yk i used to draw. i painted a lot as a kid but what happened to that passion?#i used to write. a lot. but these past few years.. i don't know what's wrong with me. why it's so hard to do that again#piano. if i continued i would have.. i really had the potential to be. good. i mean i#i've never been a genius i've honestly always hated being called that. i know i've always been naturally smart but.#my hard-work carried me further. and i'm not.. smart enough or good enough to be a genius. never have been.#hollow compliments. before hs it was like everyone really just knew me for my brain. nothing of the way i wrote or my passions. just smarts#so now i'm just a shadow; a ghost of who i used to be. in that aspect at least. but. now w my other strengths they've been faltering too#i'm sorry i should've been better i should do more i know i can. but maybe i. i've always overestimated myself#i think when i was around 6-8 before grade school i can't really remember anymore but there was this competition i think#i would've gotten second if i didn't hesitate. if i didn't fucking hesitate. n i think that always stuck with me#bcs i was really quite the timid shy kid. even though i was older i wld be the one following apollo.. i'm sorry. they deserve more than me#bulbel is making me cry bye wtf
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Bro why are legal websites in the UK so badly designed and clunky and why do they say they’re going to send you a verification email and then they don’t and why is there no button to say “hey I didn’t get my verification email, can you send it again?”
#i’m JUST trying to find out if my friend’s stupid ex got sentenced for burglary yet and if so; what he got#i don’t even know if they sentenced him on the spot because i didn’t get to attend the trial#i went in thinking that i was going to sit in the gallery of the court but i ran into my friend (who was the witness) and we were like ‘hey!#and the usher was like ‘oh she’s your friend? you can keep her with you as your support person if you want’ and my friend said she wanted#to do that. so i obviously wasn’t going to let her sit in a featureless room drinking watery tea alone#anyway her ex pleaded guilty because he knew her evidence would’ve got him sent the fuck down anyway lol#so we went and got thai food#neither of us ever saw any of the trial like i said. which is fine because i honestly didn’t want to look at that man#not that i’m intimidated by him or anything. he’s just ugly#but now I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED#googling his name brings up nothing which is no surprise as he’s a petty criminal. in every sense of both of those words#the magistrates court in our town is seemingly too small to warrant a proper website. plus none of the legal websites are cooperating#with me. i joined one only to find out that all i’d be able to see is the court schedule for that day#which would literally only be useful if i was a lawyer; magistrate; aspiring to be one of those; or was going to be in court that day#also it only shows THAT DAY. i can’t even look at last week when all this happens#the website that i THINK will actually show me such cases is the one that’s not sending me a verification email#i’m losing my mind here. the kicker is i know neither of us will ever find out what he got unless I; ME; do all this research#she doesn’t even know what to google or how to spell it. like she would fall at the first hurdle#the only other thing i can think to do is get her to call the courthouse and see if they’ll tell her since she was the witness#but they might not have had the sentencing yet#next thing is i’ll get into this website finally and it’ll just show a guilty verdict and no sentence. and i’ll be like I KNOW#the prosecutor told us personally. i KNOW he pleaded guilty because if he hadn’t; we probably wouldn’t have been able to get thai food#in a timely manner because my friend would’ve been getting asked about the world’s most ill advised phone call#well maybe not the most but. you get what i mean. who calls up their ex; who hates them; while they’re committing a crime. bizarre#personal#rant
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Being autistic and having friends that are also autistic means sharing the drama in your respective special interests knowing that the other barely cares but listening anyway bc then you get to talk about your special in a moment
#my best friend gives me the tea on breaking bad and better call saul#and i give him the tea on whats going on with greta#its fun
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If you need to vent, I'd like to offer this post as a safe space to vent in the tags (or reblogs if you're brave enough) about whatever you feel like. Even if you just wanna infodump about something you like. Or your day just sucked. Whatever you want.
#gonna vent rq#i feel like my friend group is gonna fuckong implode any second#and i am genuinely starting to resent some of my friends because its very clear that the cracks start with a couple specific people#and i dont want to feel yhat way bc i genuinely enjoy their company#but i no longer enjoy having group conversations and hangouts with some of my friends#because it always devolves into drama and shittalking people we barely even know for nothing but fun#and it wojld be one thing if it was jist tea#but they say shit like they hate this random people or want to physically hurt them#they make fun of people for completely normal and fine things just because tjey dont like the person#THEY MAKE FUN OF DISABILED AND NEURODIVERGENT FOLKS BECAUSE THEY DONT LIKE THEM#AND I MEAN THEY MAKE FUN OF THEIR TICKS OR THEIR STIMS OR STUTTER#they straight up said that they call people ugly and their art ugly just because they personally dont like that person#like#if tjis had happened once or twice#whatever#but its every conversation theyre in#and it just feels like its gonna fall apart because everyone talks behind each others backs and half of us are aware of all tjese issues#but the other half arent#and i dont know what to do and i dont know jow we can bring it up#because ot feels like no one wants us to say shit about it#theyre comfortable living in that lowkey toxic ass environment
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~ ~ ~
#I think I’m lonely in a way I can’t fully describe#I have a partner and friends and family but still often feel alone even when I’m with them#I don’t feel close to anyone at times and I don’t know if it’s outside circumstances or just me#like with my partner being asexual we don’t really do certain activities that I’d like to partake in more often and I can’t hold it against#them for how they do/don’t feel but at the same time I’m craving a physical connection I can’t have and am struggling#doesn’t help that I think about sex all the time nowadays and would really like to be having it and experiencing/exploring certain things#it’s not always easy to take care of oneself that way and still also try to console the ace partner apologizing for who they are#and yeah hall passes are great but only if you have someone to use it on and I’ve never had anyone want to be with me sexually#moving on to bestie I don’t feel my same love and affection being reciprocated and that sucks because I really do anything I can for him#and am like that with pretty much all of mt friends where if they need me for something I’ll be there#but a lot of the time it seems like he really only wants to talk/hang out with me if he’s at work and I can come visit with him#any time I invite him to do something with me outside of work he flakes and so it’s not even worth inviting him anymore#and yeah there’s rare times where he’ll call me a bunch in one day but it’s always just to tell me some gossip from work#not that gossip isn’t fun but still don’t you want to jus talk to me? I always want to just talk to you even if it’s about nothing at all#I’m always the one putting myself out there for him and being there for him when he calls me but I almost never get that same response back#and it’s like I know he has a family so I know he can’t always drop everything for me nor would I ever expect that but just some matching of#my energy would be nice you know? but then I feel guilty/selfish because I feel like I shouldn’t ask that of him when he does have a life#away from work. and I mean I guess I do too but it’s different because partner and I don’t have kids and don’t do much aside from sit around#together or have tea or other things most often done at home. and I don’t live with partner full time yet so I also still have other freedom#outside of just being with them. and other responsibilities I take care of but not on the same level as a wife and kids I guess#idk now I just feel like I’m whining but tbh all this stuff is weighing on me and just making me feel really shitty#I don’t know how to fix these issues without sounding like a selfish bitch and I’m obviously not going to cut anyone off but I don’t really#see any other solutions forming either. so it’s like I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut and keep feeling bad until the end of time since#that’s the easiest thing to do and then no one else is hurt or upset aside from me#I just feel like I’m destined to float through life never getting back what I need from my relationships but still giving everything because#I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to set boundaries even for myself so I’ll just keep giving and giving until I’m dead#and yeah I guess I am still a lot happier than I used to be and I appreciate the people in my life#just sometimes feels like they don’t really appreciate me back is all#so now I have to lay here next to partner and have all this shit running in my mind and try to get over it on my own#reasonably I should just go to bed but the loneliness is gnawing at me and idk what to do to make it go away
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On of the less intuitive things about love, I've found, of any kind, is the importance of needing things.
I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.
It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.
I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.
My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.
Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.
It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.
I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.
"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".
Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.
"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.
Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.
It's not needy, or selfish, or taking up energy. It's giving the gift of being wanted, and needed, and thought of. It's giving someone the security of being part of someone's life.
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question actually.. do you drink coffee and if so what kind of coffee do you like. if naur what beverages do you prefer
I'm just like this unaided by any form of stimulants
#Milk.#/hj. But I cannot stand coffee or tea without ludicrous amounts of milk and/or sugar being added#Strawberry and peach bubble teas and caramel frappuccinos you are dear friends to me but I cannot in good faith call you coffee or tea#I am a Sprite lover first and foremost#With caffeinated soda I think I'm spiritually what Pepsi tastes like but I prefer Coke Zero. Raspberry Coke is the best with a Freestyle#I do actually love the flavor of Mt. dew but I only drink it when I'm staying up well past when my REM cycle would kick in to work on smth#strawberry lemonade > pink lemonade#strawberry AND blueberry is where it's at though#In general I can't do hot liquids#So chocolate milk and cold cider it is
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