#and that was scary. and we didnt have the room to sort that out

[inbabylontheywept]

i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.

she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.

so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.

babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?

you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.

skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.

(it was not my best costume.)

my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.

so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.

i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.

so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.

so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.

"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"

and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said

"overalls"

and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."

and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.

the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.

first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.

second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.

and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.

she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."

"lets watch shrek 2."

so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.

every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.

and god help him when he figures it out.

other bad dating story here.

[seraphimsinful]

Hmmngmgmmm

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for talking about fnaf to my little cousin?

so fnaf is one of my (im 21) special interests for a while. my little cousin (age 7) has been mentioning it lately, because he heard about it from kids at school. Because of this i've ended up telling him about a lot of the lore and stuff, and trying to explain things to him. Additionally, he asks me questions about fnaf, and I do my best to explain it to him. I also sometimes watch fnaf videos with him.

My mom says i shouldn't do this because he gets scared easily by stuff, and his mom doesn't really like him to see scary stuff. My mom says I shouldnt tell him about fnaf or show him stuff from fnaf.

Both my mom and his mom will go out of their way to hide scary things from him like halloween monster pictures. Part of this is because he got kind of scared of opening doors due to the Doors game on roblox. He is too scared to sleep in his room alone and always sleeps in his mom's bed because he is scared of the dark and has nightmares sometimes. And he wasn't allowed to watch any youtube on halloween because of possibly seeing scary stuff. They think that the scary stuff is what made him scared of the dark and have nightmares, and not be able to sleep in his room alone.

In my opinion, I don't *think* im doing anything wrong, because when I was a kid, fnaf came out, and plenty of kids were into it, and have been ever since. And ever since fnaf, theres been many things inspired by it that kids like. Like poppy playtime and Rainbow Friends and all that. I also loved horror and creepy stuff as a kid. I liked creepypasta, but I can relate to being scared by some of that stuff. As a kid I was really really terrified by the rake creepypasta.

Also in my opinion I think he knows and understands his own limits, because one time we were watching a fnaf video, and he seemed to think the video was too scary and wanted to stop watching it. So we stopped watching it and did something else. And he seemed fine after we stopped didnt seem scared or upset after that. I also feel like in my opinion, explaining the lore to him makes it *less* scary, because he's understanding the "how and why". however because the fnaf lore does involve child death i see how it could be bad for him to learn about it.

He seems to enjoy it though, I'm not forcing it on him and he loves to ask me questions about it, and is excited whenever he comes over to talk about it. Also we've played things together before that are "scary" like baldis basics, and then also a minecraft backrooms game which actually ended up scaring me more than him!

Basically though Am i the asshole for basically going against what my mom and his mom think he should be doing? I can see how his mom especially might think i could be crossing a line because of what she wants for her child. Obviously his mom might know him better because he is her child after all. And because of my autism I don't really understand childcare and childraising. And it is hard for me to understand their perspective. I am still very childlike and dependent on my parents so I don't have a fully formed adult perspective yet I dont think.

But at the same time I almost feel that she is being sheltering, because I've noticed its common for kids to like this sort of thing, and its not always necessarily a bad thing. Because also theres scary movies like coraline but are geared for kids. (My little cousin didnt like coraline, thought it was scary, but thats just an example.)

I feel like also they should trust him more. He seems to know what is too much. Because he is vocal to say what is too scary for him. He seems to be able to set boundaries about it, because he will say that he doesnt want to play a minecraft game that is too scary, or watch a video that is too scary. I'm also rarely the one to pick the games or videos we play, it's his own interest.

Fnaf has been something we both really enjoy, and to me that is special when we get to enjoy something together. I of course still often play with him when its something only he is interested in, but not always. The times I don't play with him are when I'm doing something relating to one of my other special interests and I can't handle being interrupted. Which makes him sad that I can't play but he does understand that because of my autism that it would be difficult on me to stop my activity. I really like that he is into fnaf now because that means its something that I can enjoy for special interest reasons and he gets to hang out and play with me.

But AITA because this is against his mom's wishes?

What are these acronyms?

[vaguely-yandere]

When people add Stolkholm Syndrome into the Yandere/Darling conversation, I feel like it's always the, "My free will has been beaten into submission and my mind has been broken" sort of coersion.

Like the yandere is big and scary and violent, and eventually just for the sake of survival, you begin to kowtow to their whims until eventually Survival Mode becomes normal, and you lose who you were before.

But as we know, not all Yanderes are big and scary and violent.

I like to imagine the confidant yanderes. The ones who manipulate you until you really believe of your "own will" that they made your life better by kidnapping you. "Isn't this so much better than working a 9 to 5?" "You hated your coworkers anyway." "You can have anything you want. Isn't that worth your freedom?" Until all a Darling remembers about their old life is suffering and turmoil, and they find genuine comfort in their Yandere's arms. Their savior, their knight in shining armor, their prince, etc.

Then I like to imagine the pitiful yanderes. The puppies and kitties who can't live without you. They may have kidnapped you successfully, but their lives are falling apart. They bring you tv dinners, because they don't know how to cook for themselves. Their home is a mess while your room is spotless cuz taking care of you is the only thing they have the energy for. And you grow to know them, you can't stop your heart from growing feelings from them. You want to guide them, to mother them, to protect them. Until eventually you wind up as a caretaker to the person who vowed to take care of you. But it was a choice of your own, and even if you could escape, how could you leave them like this?

And finally I like to think of the sympathetic yanderes. The ones whose lives on the outside may be perfect, but they're empty. The only thing that brings them joy is you. And in them you see a reflection of yourself as your darkest time. Who hasn't lost a friend or a loved one? Who hasn't wracked their brain thinking of ways it could've gone differently? Who hasn't had the idea of wanting someone all to themselves, so that they could never leave you or grow tired of you...? These yanderes pull on your heartstrings until you understand them, and you yearn for their certified brand of twisted, obsessive love. Because it will never leave you. A constant, unending love... Who in their right mind would cast that aside? Then again, at this point, coudl you really claim to be in your right mind?

Idk, food for thought. :3c

oh... oh this is toxic..... i love it

yanderes who arent big. they arent physically intimidating. they dont work out, they cant lift a fucking car over their head, they dont have a death glare, nothing. they look so sweet, even their fake smile looks real. and really, these are the scariest because how the fuck could you live with yourself leaving someone who you know cant live without you? truly live without you! not just mentally but they would probably die if you left. they dont threaten it but you feel it. you know they wont survive without you. they rely on you emotionally, so much so that you go to bed bone deep exhausted every day.

and its not like a highschooler or groomer trying to get you to send nudes, no, theres no life threats, no death threats, no nothing. no threats of any kind... not verbally, at least. because thats too easy. you know how to spot that. its easy to detach yourself when theres a whiny, annoying, sad and pathetic voice whining about hurting themselves over the phone because you didnt wanna go into the bathroom for a quick nude (too niche?) but when you see it? see the way you talking to other people makes them feel worthless? see the way they pull away and detach themselves? see them crying more and more often? their romantic gestures slowly stop, they stop asking for kisses, theres barely any touching and you need them. you need them and you know youre using them too but at some point, you stop caring because it just feels so so good to be loved in such an unhealthy, obsessive way. it fills you to the brim, like tar, slow and thick and its warm. you know that if you leave now, you will never get this love again.

(remember kids! dont fuckin do that)

[my-castles-crumbling]

hiya cas! i hope youre well 😊

so, i have some medical issues (nothing serious!! probably - im still waiting for a proper diagnosis but ive had a few appointments and tests etc and have been assured its nothing to be concerned about) and so i obviously have to go to hospital appointments sometimes for the aforementioned tests and discussions. it was scary at first (i hadnt been in a hospital since the day i was born up until this point, and i was 18 when i had my first of these appointments) but its easier now, but im still a little stressed

im not technically estranged from my family - i still live at home with both parents, and we're on decent enough terms - but we dont really have any sort of important conversations. or any personal conversations either. so i guess we're just not really close? idk. anyway, this has meant i have absolutely no idea what any of my family medical history is. i had to find out through my older sister that my father was diagnosed with diabetes four years ago (and she only found out because she worked at the pharmacy where he got his stuff from), and my eldest brother was the one who told me my grandparents' causes of death (they died before my birth and my parents never mention them), but they dont know any more than that either

this hasnt been an issue for me before, because obviously ive never needed to know. ive never been asked about it, but now that my own health isnt right, i kinda need to know. in my first appointment i got asked about it, but i told the doctor i didnt know and would ask at home

i did ask, to be fair. i spoke to my mother and explained why i needed to know but she just kind of... brushed it off? idk if thats the right way to phrase it. she said there was some vague thing about heart issues but she didnt say anything specifically, or which side of the family it came from, or anything all thay helpful at all

its so frustrating because im not the first of their kids to need this information. my sister has medical problems too (different issues than mine though) and our parents were no help with her either

i spoke to a friend about it last autumn when i first went to hospital and he looked at me so oddly, it made me feel so broken, i guess. apparently discussing medical history isnt a taboo subject in most households, because he knew all of his and he's never been to hospital for anything. but the way he looked at me like i was weird or something for not knowing was awful. again, it made me feel genuinely broken and damaged. it was kind of one of those moments where you realise 'oh, my family isnt normal' and it sucked, because i thought id had that realisation years ago

its happened with some other stuff too (i.e. telling parents about a relationship, friends, interests, spending time with family etc) and it just... it really sucks. i dont know what else there is to say than that ig lol

i was going somewhere with this ask, but ive kinda gotten off track and now i cant remember, soooo.... have a good day! thanks for reading my ramble 🥰

Hi hon!

I’m so sorry, whose moments of realization suck, truly. Please know that you did nothing wrong <3 

Because this is a health thing, I do have some advice for you (ignore me if you want!) There are forms on the internet that have questions about family history. Print one out and just give it to your mom and dad. Don’t give them room to question it. Say your doctor needs it, and you need them to fill it out.

I wonder, though, if your parents don’t share their history with you, they might not know their parents history. A lot of times, these kinds of things that happen in families are passed down. 

But yeah. Just give them a form and make it a health thing. You deserve that info. 

Again, please know that you are NOT broken, and it has nothing to do with you <3

(naming you medical anon)

[gayhenrycreel]

in the wake of the Abuse in Care report, i want to share my own story

for context, i am a young kiwi. im autistic and adhd, and struggle with violent meltdowns.

tw for all sorts of abuse

a few years ago, my meltdowns got very severe. i was dangerous. i got sent to the psychward 3 times. the first 2 times were scary, but i was okay.

the 3 third time nearly killed me.

i was 13 and they didn't have any spaces left, so they put me in a solitary confinement area of the asylum. yes, modern psychwards are insane asylums. if you had a good experience at one you are an exception. the wall were concrete and my room had a small outdoor area attached that was lined with barbed wire. the toilet did not flush. i was not allowed out, except for a few times when i was allowed to see the other inmates.

i was trapped for 11 days. i still remember exactly what date it was. i called my mum every day. neither of us knew if we would ever see each other again. i had been kidnapped by the state. i was fed green sludge and something that may have been extremely dry and cracked fish or chicken. this was my only meal i regularly got. getting breakfast was a hit n miss.

on day 9 i snapped. i tried to hit a nurse and my punishment was to be strangled half to death. i couldn't breathe. they nearly dislocated my shoulder. my vision turned black. i vaguely recall being injected with a sedative.

when i have flashbacks i can feel the physical pain again. it feels like my arms are being torn off.

i only went back home when my mum showed up, unauthorised, and demanded to bring me home. i never thought i would see my family again.

something i didnt mention earlier, i am medically recognised with a complex dissociative disorder. im not sure if that big traumatic event caused my alters or if Doc had already existed, but it certainly split my sense of self to some degree. Doc saved our life. Daniel, the alter who presents as the original, could not handle existence. after the psychward, my system almost achieved final fusion. Daniel went dormant. Doc was the only alter. later that month a new alter split and it took 4 months for Daniel to return.

afterward my horrible psychiatrist with the tiny shorts decided that my meltdowns were because of my adhd, which has been successfully treated since i was 4. he put me on ritalin, despite my bad history with it. ritalin gave me a panic attack that lasted 3 days without stopping. my mum immediately took me off it as soon as she noticed the heightened anxiety. a microdose of magic mushrooms of all things, cured my anxiety for a week while also treating my adhd while i had no adhd meds, so do with that what you will (mushies may have saved my life).

i already had a traumatic life, and the asylum was the hammer that finally shattered my cracked mind. i never really had a sense of self, no individuality, so its no wonder i have OSDD.

the trauma didn't stop there.

couple years later i ended up in E Puni, a jail for children who cant live with their families. i mean it when say jail. concrete walls and floors, cameras everywhere, doors that cant be opened from inside, stale food. i cant eat a lot of thing due to being autistic, so i starved. they did not not accommodate my needs.

i had another meltdown, so i got violently picked up and literally thrown onto a concrete floor in solidarity confinement. water all over the floor. i dissociated so much i could barely stand. for some reason they didn't take my belt so i tried to hang myself.

they damaged the nerves in my left arm when they threw me. i couldn't use my arm for 3 months, and when i explained why i was struggling with arm strength, they said i was faking nerve damage. i thought i would be permanently disabled. thank god it was temporary. i was forced to participate in being around screaming teenagers who made sounds i cant handle because of sensory processing disorder. some of those poor kids had been there for 5 years.

the only 2 staff there who cared for me left because they couldn't handle seeing the organized abuse the children went through. i couldnt take it either.

im in a different place now, though still in state care. its been rough, but here its only bad if i have meltdowns.

as for the cops, the most notable thing theyve done is tell me that they "can restrain [me] without reason".

if anyone ever asks why i am an anarchist, this is why.

[bishiglomper]

When we got home I rinsed my cup out and went to get ice from our built in ice machine in the freezer..

The dispenser wasn't working so I reached in to move the ice forward

My hands were dry but I guess there was an errant drop of water somewhere on the back of my hand

Which slid around my wrist and down my pinky when I reached in

...which promptly made contact with the metal coil that moves the ice forward 🙃

I mean I practically spooned the coil against 2/3 the length of my pinky. Which fused itself to the coil immediately thanks to that sudden little droplet 🙃

It took several seconds for me to decide that yeah, NOPE; I was not going anywhere. I called for help. It took at least a whole 2 minutes for mom to make it to the kitchen and for me to explain what happened and direct her to get me some warm water. And tell her how to apply it 🙃🙃 it hurt the whole time.

Then it buuuuurrrrned. I had to stick my hand in a cup of room temperature water for a few minutes before it stopped burning. It felt exactly like the time I burnt my finger on a car cigarette lighter. I had to keep my hand in water for several hours after that.

But then it was okay. I didnt see any noticeable marks

But for some reason, now, 11 hours later, I have a long red mark and it burned when I touched the door and shit. Now it burns constantly

I made it through a shower and moving clothes around and crochet and all sorts of things last night! Without noticing a thing! Whats with this delayed wound?! Ugh. I'm so offended. 😤

I wanted to crochet a couple more skull cozies before the craft thing tomorrow. But I use my pinky to keep tension 😭 I can't bend it

Also the reason I'm awake before dawn was because I woke up hurting. Fibro. But it felt like my bloodsugar was out of whack. Thought maybe I was finally crashing from the copious amounts of sugar I consumed during the day. But nope. It's still a bit high... 👀 💦

Could be because I did all that activity all day..

Also I got my scary painful shot last night too.

who knows

Fibro/CFS is a bitch.

[multiplicity-positivity]

I wanted to share some happy news but I've always struggled to see inside headspace and just recently i was able to explore a great big chunk of it! This made me super happy and excited!

But it also brought on a question too? I would often experience jumpscares, like little shadow things jumping out abd spooking me as i tried to walk through headspace. I told my best friend, whos also a system, about this and they said the get the same exact thing when they try to explore headspace. Do you or anyone who follows also experience this?

There was also a spooky building that just gave off Nasty Vibes so i didnt wabt to go anywhere near it. My best friend also has a room like this and said theyve met other people with a building/room like this? Is this common?

Hey - congrats on your first time seeing and exploring your headspace! It sounds like you’ve been making progress with your system, which is awesome!

As far as I know, we also experience flashes, images, shadows, and jarring movements that can scare or startle us in headspace. But we also experience this in real life, and for us, there isn’t that much of a difference between getting spooked by a brain-made jumpscare in the headspace and in real life. It happens to us in both places! We always thought this was a psychosis thing (as we also get visual, auditory, tactile, and olfactory hallucinations sometimes due to our past trauma), but it’s interesting to hear that it may just be a common headspace experience.

If any of our headspace-explorer followers have any insight or would like to share, please feel welcome to!

As far as having a scary place in headspace, we definitely do.

I think Ralsei has talked about our headspace here, but our headspace is made up of a few areas. One of which looks like the house we grew up and were abused in. It is perpetually giving off bad vibes/trauma stink lines, and our ANPs (or main fronting group) avoids that place like the plague. We haven’t reached a point in therapy where we’re ready to do headspace work/focus on helping the alters who are stuck in that house. But it definitely exists in our headspace and in general the parts who handle day-to-day living avoid it and try not to think about it.

For traumagenic systems, these sorts of areas may function as a visualization of trauma or dissociative barriers. There may be trauma memories or trauma-holding-headmates inside. We’d advise folks with these sorts of spaces to not go prodding or poking around there before they’re ready - and it may take some help from a therapist in order to reach a point where those areas can be safely explored.

We hope this helps or at lease provides a bit of insight. Thanks for reaching out!

💫 Parker and 🐢 Kip

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

that's fucking wild because the first and only time i have been to new mexico, i stayed in an air bnb in a mountain and it was a small creaky dingy cabin sort of house. they locked the basement, and really felt weird trying to break into the basement to see what probably was just storage. i stayed for about a week and i had nightmares(my pets dying in weird ways, we didnt even bring our pets), i felt like something was watching me, i stayed in the upstairs kid's room and i had to light candles or else i didnt feel safe. we went down to white sands and parked late at night to look at stars, and there was weird shit happening in the sky, but i didnt want to say anything. when I got home, i took a bath and i felt like something was watching me still. when i got home from NM, my dad showed me videos he took of lamp shade swinging and doors closing. He told me he just "didnt want to scare me" but idk some freaky shit happened in new mexico

OOOOH STOP ANON THIS IS making me tremble omg noo...white sands is one of my favorite places on earth, ive been a few times, it makes me feel primal to be there, i feel like creature.. if im bein honest, i think the nuclear testing has done something strange to the essence of the land around white sands n maybe further reaching...ofc long before that the land of the southwest has such spiritual significance, u can feel it oozing out of everything, the ground the sky n the structures, u have to rly protect urself. i think there's an abundance of portals therem maybe? or dimensional shift comes easier? the ancient anasazi tribe that randomly disappeared, i think abt them a lot.. yeah, at night in the middle of the desert, u will see the most insane shit in the sky. even the plain old stars look too vibrant to b real. oh and ghosts get stuck in nm/have too thick and rich an energy to feed on so they get too powerful. its a battleground. its so scary i love it. thankyou for sharing your story anon im soooo so interested in hearing absolutely any stories of this nature from any part of the world.

[midnightmisadventures]

So this time we’re on our way home, i see he doesnt have any gas, so i say “you can stop here for gas” he pulls into the station and its dystopia city lol. Theres homeless people with broken limbs begging for help. Theres.....scary shit. So he goes ya know lets just get out of here.

So we’re driving and he’s being such a bad driver, constantly almost crashing. But we’re laughing about it. Then we’re holding hands, flirting, flirting. Massaging eachothers hands, being such a couple.  

And then he pulls my hand up to his mouth and i think he’s gonna kiss it. But instead he takes my two fingers (pointer and middle) and puts them in his mouth. And now its like.....hot. 

Like when i tell you i was turned on I WAS. So im playing into it, basically fingering his mouth. This is so graphic, but i can feel myself getting wet. He’s still driving but the sexual tension is building. Then he SLAMS into the break sort of. Pulls over. Idk if we home but i didnt care. He’s like...ready to fuck. So he stops the car. Pushes the seat all the way back and lowers it, and i get on top of him soooo ready lmao. I also still know this is a dream, so i dont have any nerves im just excited. Btw im wearing my yellow dress i wore to lias party. 

Anyway, now im on top of him, and i go in and kiss him but then notice. THeres puke everywhere. Like puke and drool coming out of his mouth, puke on his shirt, puke on the dash. And im confused?? And im like “uhh maybe like wipe your mouth or spit into something first” and im trying to look around for a napkin and not make him feel too embarrassed bc ew i just kissed his wet puke lips. 

THEN, the cops....or the town orderlies idk dystopia. Knocks on his window like get out whats going on, we need to search him. SO i quickly get off his lap lol back into the passenger. And the cops are like “what the fuck is going on” they didnt have any specific reason....idk it was confusing. So we were both changed out of our “school” uniform. And i think mark starts explaining to the guy that we’re on our way back from school. And hes like “yea i need proof of your uniform. preforably a clean one” so he’s looking and then the cops start searching his car and filing a report. And for some reason i was so confused as to where the puke came from and when it got there. 

So i was like “i dont understand was that ur puke” and he was like “yea it was me, i slammed on the breaks and boom threw up” and then i realize and am like “OH NO was it my fingers, did i gag you omg im so sorry” also being kinda cute about it. Like babe was it my sexy fingers teasing you?? And hes into it he’s like NO don’t apologize. Your fingers did nothing wrong, i wouldnt take that back, like i’d throw up 10 more times if it meant we got to be hot and tease eachother. So its kind of a cute funny moment, and i did like him, and i did want to kiss him more. But i just started looking around lol. The cops were here, we werent home yet. We had dystopian highschool again tomorrow lmao. I was like, this isnt worth it. This is a dream i should just cut out. Cause this can only get scarier, and what if i get in a situation where im stuck or in a scream proof room. I should just get out while i know i can, i dont feel like dealing with the authority in this dream world. 

So i leave marks side, go behind the car, and scream my lungs out. Literally it took all my might, i was worried it wouldnt work. Then i ended up in the “fake wake up” dream. And then i actually woke up.

Wasnt that a weird dream?

[spilledstrawberriestheblog]

Diary No.19

Hii it's hard to wrote diary entries on weekends becuz I'm always with my sister.

I had a dream that I somehow told [🐈‍⬛️] that I liked someone but not pursuing it becuz of reasons. [🐕] and his friends plus my old crush from like 6 years ago showed up and [🐈‍⬛️] started chasing him around i think they stole his phone or something im not sure and it supposedly started a while becuz at the end of it [🐈‍⬛️] said "if he had time to run around like this all day and not stop to pray then hes probably not as religious as you think".

i dunno it was a weird dream and yeah.

i dunno this is all so weird i dunno how to feel.

Last night [❤️] sent me a message, a really long one. They wanted to talk to me about how theyve been feeling latley.. it was about their crush on [🧟‍♀️].

Aparently [🧟‍♀️] has confessed to someone and [❤️] thinks it might be [🐈‍⬛️] becuase when [❤️] asked [🐈‍⬛️] if they had a crush on anyone they said they think someone in art class has a crush on them (which we are assuming is [🧟‍♀️]).

It was really stressful to sit through the texts becuase it brought up a lot of memories from when i had a crush on [❤️] and how heartbroken i felt when i found out it wasnt mutual. I didnt want to make it about me ofc so i tried my best to support [❤️] and make them feel better. It just hurt a lot becuase they push themselves down so much and kept saying that no one will ever love them. Like what was my confession for? did that mean nothing to them? i know its not about me right now but was that no sort of validation for them?? i dont know it just made me feel sick, invisible and my body wouldnt stop shaking the whole time. I also found a giant spider in my dormroom so the whole time i just felt really uncomftorble, unsafe and sad.

Its been a shitty weekend. Im so tired and i cant relax becuz of history/literature homework and i had to go shopping yesterday which took all day.

And my friends dont seem to be feeling well so everything just feels like a big pit of despair. I dont have the mental energy to be a therapist and look after everyone and myself. I can barely get myself to shower, dress up, keep my room tidy or do anything that makes me happy. I feel like a robot and its hard to keep up everything feels so fast yet the weeks feel so long.

Im scared that its already late sunday and i havent felt rested at all and the new week is about to start. It feels scary. Im scared i cant help those around me and i dont want to be alone.

I just feel so sad, i dont feel safe anywhere. I found another big spider in my room this morning and had to spray it again but it hid so i dunno if it worked and my room just smells awful again becuz of the spray and i hate it its so overwhelming. And my homework is so hard to read and process even though its not complicated at all so i just feel stupid.

Oh yeah i had a dream a few days ago where [❤️] sent me a long message venting but i didnt respond and when i woke up fr it was so confusing and i panicked becuase i thought i left them on read, it wasnt real tho.

sorry for such a heavy entry its been a lot. aaaaaa T.T

I just want to read romance manga to forget how lonely i feel and indulge in my stories so i dont have to think of anything. Just drown my brain with stuff that isnt real.

At the same time i feel like none of my feelings are real and im probably just being stupid and making stuff up. I probably only want a partner to feel validation in my existance. I feel sick writing this i cant goodbye ill write later i guess bleugh

[princessdreamie]

DBH part 62

|Some grown up stuff going on again. This time K being accused of something stupid. Ofc nobody believes him except Na. N sorted everything out. And we go on with out lives.|

Somewhere outside the city

A guy sits on a stack of boxes, seemimgly waiting for someone. A car stops next to him and handed him an envelop of cash. As the driver pits the boxes in the trunk.

The guy smirks as he counted the bills, „Pleasure making business with you.“

Next moring

Na wakes up at the sound of her alarm. After making herself Ready for school, she waits outside for her pick up. The car arrived exactly on time, C had already picked up her friend Mi on the way here. The rambunctious girl was not sitting still the whole drive to their school.

C didnt mind, it was better than having to drive the girls than have to share a car with Br. He still remembers the long list of demands he had to follow to be her date to repaybher the favor last time.

The girls finally arrived at their destination and gave their goodbyes to the teenager. Cl drove off, feeling worried about the little girl. But he didn't list it show to not worry his master. C still didn't know about the incident that night. E didn't tell him bc it was not his business, & S was still worried that they were actually going to get Se this time.

Se wasnt aware of any of that either. Not that he would have had any thoughts about since he still had no clue that they were in danger.

At C's school

C was reading about their latest topic of todays lesson as Br came up to him asking why he had not replied to her yet about what he was going to wear for their date.

Truth be told, he was planning on pretending to be sick that day. No ay in hell would je wear any of her options. She picked the least flattering stuff for him while she was going to get dressed all fine and luxurious. He was just done with her antics.

„I am still looking through them“, he lied into her face. Luckily she believed him and just continued with her rambling. Lv came to his rescue and dragged his cousin out of the class room.

Cut to another place near an abandoned warehouse

Some old looking dude kept flicking his pen between his fingers as he read something on his phone. A slimy smirk form on his lips as he read an article about the Stantons.

His thoughts were interrupted by an incoming call. He quickly picked it up and listened on what the other person had to say. His face became even more scary, with a sinister smile and narrowed eyes he gave them an order b4 cutting the call.

[he-ruined-mydream-journal]

fri, may 30, 2024

⚠️this may depict a form of child abuse⚠️

ive been having horrible and scary dreams all week, but this one may be the worst of them so far. i was trapped at like a summer camp of some sort in a majoras mask sort of scenario where i was sort of trapped in a time loop of about a week and i kept trying to help other campers through the week with like fun stuff or help them stay out of trouble. but there was something ominous about one area of the camp and when i would go there during the week it was like some vacant movie room i think but i ended up going on the last day of the loop and it was totally different. kids were screaming, and being made to do horrible and traumatizing things like kill others and being hung from their feet and screamed at by adults. keep in mind we were pry ages 6-12. i was terrified and didnt know what to do when i was pushed into a bathroom and my hands and feet tied and pushed into a tub of water. i had my legs resting over the edge in a way that made it difficult to keep my head above the open water. then from the doorway emerged my mom who i thought was there to help but to my surprise started yelling obscenities and pushing my head under the water. this is the type of dream you wake up from in a cold sweat and start crying from. i dont know why ive been having such awful dreams but i hope they stop soon.

[fraener]

4/15/23

this week has been hard on me. ive been very anxious and even stayed home from school thursday because i was too scared to leave the house until the evening i went with hans and we worked in the garden. its nice to be touching the dirt again. i cant remember if i wrote in here that i joined the experimental music ensemble or not, but were meeting for the second time tonight. it felt good to do something new and be kind of bad at it. i realized in that moment that i really miss trying things and being bad at them. its been strange, i feel really scared in the mornings and then i feel ok by the evening usually, a little scared again when im going to bed. my anxiety and ocd are evolving in new and interesting ways. it sort of feels like when a zit is surfacing or something, everything feels like its coming to a head and everything thats building up pressure under the surface is going to come flowing out and then ill be ok again. im looking at my healing and hurting cycles like breathing....a big inhale of horrible painful scary events and then i hold my breath for a little bit and then a biiiiiig exhale every few years. my lower and middle back have been hurting, and i think im having some dampness/spleen stagnation thats making it overact on my kindeys. ive definitely been stressing out and have had a really hard time getting out of the cycles and into the ifs lobby/core self. but other than my anxiety things have been really good. i fall a little more in love with hans every day which is really nice, and even though we had some conflict recently we both handled it so reasonably that it didnt even make a bump in the road for more than a couple of hours. its still been hard to eat but no so much because im scared of getting sick as its just hard to find fresh food in the grocery store. the produce is really bad right now and so im really looking forward to the coming weeks where ill be able to eat things that arent canned or bread or dairy anymore. i finally got some eggs so im really happy with that. i kinda think i might have to just move back to seattle after all when school ends. the artist trust is really promising for grants and such and i really really really miss home. im going to be penpals with stefan i think, they said yes so im excited about it. i started crying really hard because it felt like an avenue back into feeling like myself and feeling like home. theres this shimmering warm light like from one of those big windows in the animation room that i keep feeling when i feel like i can return....i get the same feeling from that first spring in this apartment. like the world is so big and warm and bright. like theres something right outside of my little stormcloud i cant seem to get out from underneath. i think i want to travel lots and go to grad school somewhere really interesting but i also really want to come home, germs and loud noises and high prices and all. but today i feel ok. today stefan said yes to being penpals with me, today i stumbled across the blog of someone who loves food and loves to cook beautiful things who lives right across the street in the martin in one of the apartments facing the olympian. today im going to call my grandma and karen and go do some more earth prepping and go to the herb store and go to my choir practice. today i might clean or meditate or go for a walk, i might try and make something out of clay, i might write a letter, i might cry some more. today is full of just as much good possibility as bad possibility. actually i think more good than bad. my outlook has been so damaged and changed in so many ways i just want everything to get flipped right side up again. i think if i could see the world a little different like i used to id feel so much better. i dont need to make a beautiful life up, i need to see how good life is right now and lean into it as hard as possible. what max said about life being a competition for who is having the most fun is right. i should be trying to win.

[howdoyousayloco]

muggy weather and the neighbor's mangoes

Sometimes when it’s muggy out I say it feels like Florida. Even though my hair will be three times more frizzy by the end of the day and I will sweat my eyeliner off, I love every second. It feels like all of my rose-colored memories from when I am pretty sure I didn't have a care in the world even though that is probably not true.

Muggy weather reminds me of mangoes that grew from a branch of a tree in my grandma's neighbor's yard that she would pick from. Except, not "grandma," because to me and my sisters she was "little lela" since we couldn't pronounce Abuela and she was little and frail from years of chemo and had a much smaller presence than Big Lela, my other grandma, who has had plastic surgery and has tattooed makeup and talks loudly and is a little rude.

My little lela's house was where we spent every trip we made in the summer to south florida. She had a ranch-style house, like most people in hialeah do because of hurricane season, and a linoleum porch that i would crouch on when it was raining sometimes to watch it pour down and feel it on my hands because it was different from the rain at home and was warm. The air was so thick after a rainstorm that it weighed down on you and you could feel it against your skin like honey and it was fragrant with the smell of wet earth. In the front room of her house there was a piano with a bench that i would sit at and pluck out "chopsticks" slowly and it would annoy my older sister heavenly and make my mom think i was a musical genius. The floor was always cold, especially when i would walk barefoot in the morning out of the little room with the dollhouse that was actually a refurbished cd case and had two beds that i shared with three sisters that was next to the bathroom with the sign that said "powder room" on it. I would tiptoe so i wouldnt wake anyone up across the house to the yard with the square of sort of pink concrete that was in the middle of the crab grass that was spiky but didnt have ticks like up north so i could run around in it that was surrounded by wire fencing and palm trees and i tried to catch lizards. I didn't often succeed but when i did i would trap them in a little toy pot so i could show my sisters and parents and little lela who would tell me to get it out of the house and wash the toy. She worried a lot. I guess her life gave her a lot of reasons to.

We would congregate for breakfast in the morning in the living room, all eight of us and eat toasted cuban bread with butter and guava con queso pastelitos from vicky bakery that they don't have here up in Jersey that I am always craving and mangoes that are so much better than the ones we get now and café cubano that i wasn't allowed to have because it would make me short with lots of sugar and milk. I look back on those days like im clicking through a ViewFinder held up to the light. Hazy, otherworldly, so far removed from my current life that it makes me question if i was always who i am right now.

We gathered one time, my whole family with my little brother who was born by then and friends of my awela who were tías even though they werent really and my cousins who i didnt really talk to anymore and tías that were actually tías, and sat around a table that we set up in the front room, the one with the piano, that was filled with cuban food. Bread, and pastelitos, and mangoes, and coffee, and black pudding that i was too scared to eat because did you know it's made with blood, and isn't that weird, and a lot of other things that i dont really remember, and we ate and talked and tried to ignore that little lela was in a wheelchair and she was speaking more spanish than english when its usually the opposite and even though she lived ten more years than the doctors said she would i realized she wasnt immortal and it was scary because she had a tremor and i couldn't really understand her and i felt bad that i couldnt talk to her the same way that i used to because her voice was really high and im not good at speaking spanish and i had trouble looking at her in the eyes because i was old enough to know that she didnt have a lot of time left but too young for that to really sink in and i wasnt sure how to act and so i tried to be happy to make her happy and ate a lot of desert and i thought about other things.

After we packed up, said long goodbyes, and i poorly played her a song on my clarinet, my family squished into the seven seater car that somehow held all of us and took the really long ride back to New Jersey where the mangos were not as good and where there were no vicky bakeries and where little lelas house was not, and i sat cramped in the backseat where it smelled like clementines and the sweat of eight people and gas station coffee, and i played on my sisters DS when she let me and felt weird because i knew it would probably be the last time i would be in this car in florida on a road trip. The last time staying in my little lelas house had came and gone, and we went back after that to Big Lelas house but its not magical anymore it just feels like Florida but in the capitalized way that feels like Vacation and Tourists and Disney Adults instead of just our florida that felt like happiness and home and muggy weather and the neighbor's mangos and i miss it every day.

Its strange to think that florida is Florida to some people, and they take a plane, and they dont see any relatives that havent seen them since they were this big dame un besito mi niñita linda tienes un novio? No? Eso es bueno, men are no good. They go to Disneyland, and they probably stay inside when it rains and dont eat at pollo tropical or stay in a house that doesnt fit all your siblings but maybe im just being bitter because i cant go back to the florida that i want to go back to but maybe everyone has a place like that and its just as hard for everyone to lose but oh well, find a new one because life only moves forward and its not always that easy and definitely not as carefree as you imagined that it most likely maybe was in the past, but it could just be the golden sun that always seems to be behind you teasing you with its unreachable warmth on your back even if its still up in the middle of the sky and doesnt actually move and it still shines over everything because life is still ok and the weather can still be hot and humid and beautiful in new jersey too sometimes.

[mythiccheroacademia]

Ok so I was wondering if you can do a headcanon for Tokoyami, Tenya, Bakugo and if anything a character of your choice and how they would react to Minetta being a perv and saying...weird fetishizing shit abt they Black S/O? I had this in mind for a while lmao 😓🤛🏾

A/N: The fetishizing shit towards black people has got to go. It’s not a compliment, it’s gross. It’s 2020 and I’m over it. I say we start eradicating people who thinks it’s cute :) I’m sure the boys would have the same idea <3

Warning: cussing, some uncomfortable/grody comments that teeter on sexual assault so please be careful!

Tokoyami Fumikage: 

so it’s just a regular degular day at school and you’re going about your way through the halls 

you weren’t even doing anything extraordinary, just getting some books out of your locker before class

then mineta pops up, leaning against the locker, and looking you up and down with a weird smirk on his face

“hey hot stuff” he says with a wink. “what’s got you looking so voluptious on a tuesday morning?”

you’re already aware of what type of bs mineta is on, but you didnt wanna be mean so you just tried to excuse yourself from the conversation, but he doesnt give you the chance to exit 

he keeps swining around these weird compliments

“i couldn’t help but notice you across the hallway, my chocolate king/queen”

atp, you’re feeling really uncomfortable and you want out, but you have no idea how to go about it without coming off rude 

so you kinda just stand there with a sick feeling in your stomach as mineta tries to put moves on you 

but that all stops when the hallways turns dark and everyone in the room feels the hair on their arms stand

floating over your head like a demon from the seven pits of hell is dark shadow who looks two seconds away from going ballistic

out from behind you, tokoyami stands there with a glare that says:

you better come correct or you finna come up missing

you don’t notice it, but mineta sure as hell does

you’re taken aback when the grape dude just about scurries off for his life but you instantly forget about it when you notice tokoyami behind you and dark shadow nuzzles against your head

he smiles and greets you as you tell him how happy you are to see him, totally forgetting about the mineta situation

y’all go about your regular day undisturbed 

meanwhile, everyone is fucking scared shitless bc they were two seconds away from witnessing a murder scene 

tokoyami don’t play when it comes to you 

Iida Tenya: 

everyone thinks iida is a goody-two-shoes guy who solves his problems through logic and reasoning

and i mean...he does

but this man can get down right scary when someone he loves is threatened

this nigga was out here contemplating murder at 15 bruh

anyways 

there was a moment in time you were going through a growth spurt and your uniform was a bit to short/tight on you 

it wasn’t anything inappropriate but you had to order a new set of uniforms and they wouldnt come in until next week 

you weren’t pressed over it until mineta had the bright idea to start whispering some weird shit to you during class

“hey sweet stuff. i bet you’d look even better in my clothes”

you shoot him a glare. “shut it, dirt bag” you mutter under your breath

“why the hate? i’m just tryna get a bite of you. bet you taste like a hershey’s bar” he flirts, wiggling his eyebrows

you just roll your eyes and focus on taking notes

mineta tries to say something one more time before the class freezes as iida snaps a pen in half 

aizawa looks at him w a raised brow “is everything okay iida?”

“tenya?” you question

he shakes his head and apologizes for interrupting class before retrieving a new writing utensil

class ends and most of your classmates file out leaving you, you bf, and mineta

mineta tries to say something slick one more time

“so if you ever wanna fulfil any sexual fantasies about being conquered then you can hit me u--”

just as you were about cuss the pervet out of the country, iida gets ups, stares down at mineta with a glare that could kill 

the engines on his calves start to warningly rumble and theirs a dark look on iida’s face you havent seen before 

“i suggest you leave in the next five seconds, otherwise i’ll have to put you through a crash course on how to have manners when addressing my s/o”

it’s a chilling threat and mineta is out of there before he even finishes his sentence 

once he’s gone, the mood sort of lightens up. iida’s still a little pissed, but he’s quelled once you give him a soft kiss on his cheek

Bakugo Katsuki: 

idk what the hell mineta was on 

but RIP him bc bakugo’s s/o is not the one to be messed with 

and he learned that the hard way 

you were doing some extra training to practice a difficult move 

you thought you were alone until mineta showed up on the side looking like a walmart brand pimp c (rip) 

without even a hello, lil dude comes in with some mess 

“wow, so you’re out here sweating but you still look delicious. black don’t crack, huh”

you pause 

...bitch wtf?

you instantly shut that shit down

“step away from me before i mop the floor with your ass, you purple ballsack” you warn

he deadass thinks youre trying to flirt back 

“woah, calm down. no need to get all fiesty lil mama~”

“mineta, i will step on you if you don’t go somwhere ong”

he thinks you’re playing hard to get, so he plays along. he leaves with his chest puffed out like he did something and heads back to the lockers

you let out a sigh and try to forget that little encounter

but little did you know that your bf was up in the stands, watching you train

he meant to leave a small bento for you, but he got caught up (aka he missed you and just wanted to stare at you for a min)

and now he’s glad he stayed bc he’s got a bone to pick 

mineta opens his gym locker before it’s slammed shut by a hard fist

bakugo looks like the literal devil as he takes mineta’s shirt in his fist and leans in with a threatening growl

“listen here you rotten little bastard. that little stunt you pulled out there, disrepectful. you ever speak to my--actually, if you ever even think about my y/n, i’ll blow you up so fucking bad they’ll be washing you off the walls for weeks. got it?”

he doesnt even let him answer before he drops him on the floor and walks off 

you happen to meet him as he’s walking out and throw your arms around him totally oblivous to the fact that he’s semi-steaming from what just occured

you give him a kiss for the food he made you and it makes him smirk just in the slightest

he’s always there to watch over you, even if you don’t see it

“can’t have you fucking up during training, so make sure you eat properly okay?”