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somethingshifted · 2 years

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i watched this video (put it off for all of 3 days because i get nervous watching video essays on my favorite things for some reason) and i loved it. it made me so happy. readmore cuz long post

even if the subject itself was how gorillaz nearly ended because of plastic beach's ambition, this video was so enjoyable. because i feel like getting an account of how people felt about the album release, at the time, from someone who was present is incredibly important for preservation? the extensive things fans have archived is important first and foremost as so much was personally privated by the band, but it's hard to get a pulse on fan feelings as a whole other than digging through wayback machine or knowing someone who was fandom present.

alongside this i'm appreciative of lady emily remarking on the landscape of releasing music at the time. where CD wasn't as huge, not as many people cared about vinyl, music channels were obsolete, and youtube was nascent even in 2010 when it comes to money making opportunities, especially for record labels forget about solo projects like lets-players. which just brings into perspective how taxing PB was to make. it's a beautiful project made off the failure of carousel to launch and didn't make as much of an impact as it needed to survive... which was something i personally was fully unaware of at the time. i just sat on youtube thinking that's where updates were mostly and relying on deviantart friends relaying info to me (i was very internet-dumb). carousel was insanely ambitious and destined to fail with how much they were expecting, and seeing the long list of projects that died out and the way the art being featured during tours became more of an after-thought was heartbreaking a bit so i can definitely understand why tensions blew up.

the idea of media (because PB isn't just an album even if that is the main skeleton veins and organs of it) being made for an era that doesn't exist is depressing, but her explanation to how it came to be and how different the climate is now is a great reminder to myself. because i keep asking 'why don't they do X Y and Z' and the truth is it costs SO much to do that, not to mention do it well AND have the artists and designers and so on be paid and treated well, and PB had so much going for it that didn't return profit. like the way the world is, passion itself doesn't reward you with a living which is sad, and appreciation and apt payment for visual arts doesn't get much better as the future moves on. and kind of humbles me to not have a stick up my ass for cracker island. KIND OF- i still feel my gears grinded when i see how sanitized some things are. major 'he wouldn't say that' feelings.

having reservations on gorillaz marketing behavior is fully allowed and honestly, needed because having a fanbase of only yes-men is detrimental, god forbid they thought NFTs would be well received. i feel hesitant to be a hater for newer stuff bc even if character writing choices annoy me so hard, i still find gems, and i still want to understand the full background of how much of what used to exist, can't exist the same way anymore as the world gets more expensive and a higher bar of quality is needed (outside the writing. that's more on current writers forgetting pretty well established easy characterization) idk if anything as wide-spread and ambitious as PB could ever exist today. isn't that sad? melancholy? i feel like being in your 20s during today consists of a lot of foot-in-one era, foot-in-the-other. the things you grow up with are impossible to go back to since technology is moving at a breakneck speed. but it being so expansive and story heavy was special and i'm learning more about that every day. as someone who's still iffy on the lore taking such a huge part of the overarching characters that it's still referenced at the end of the 2010's i really really do fucking love it. one of a kind. people who get very defensive of plastic beach have full reign to do so, just lemme stand behind you as a humanz defender

she also touched upon a feeling i thought was unpopular but i'm glad she did mention, and it's about how the story for the following albums were more self contained. i do feel though that wishing the band was a band and not characters milling about is a semi popular stance (?) i'm happy people recognize that because seriously my pulse on fandom feelings is sooooo lacking, even now as i venture to twitter and tumblr in 2023. anyways, even for how fantastical PB is and how much i love it, both the climate of the world not supporting projects like this and with gorillaz being self funded since 2019 (didn't know this and that is insane to me) gorillaz can benefit with the bar of expectations being lowered. multimedia projects are a rarity, with websites being sleeked and dumbed down for mobile users only, death of flash, social media being the hub for everything (why i get their reliance on it), singles needing to always be the strength of albums, and trends dying out faster than a mayfly, it's just hard. would i like to see them return to something like that, yes of course, but i sure as hell am not expecting it. unless some billionaire wants to dump their entire savings into their lap. the phases 1 and 2 performing well while being multimedia in the way of animation, interview, in-character and etc, is fantastic but there is no way that sort of MV quality would be passable today. and as a whole it was just less expensive AND way more new and fresh to make compared to making something in 2023 while also accommodating collaborators and managing the band. i guess it's difficult for me to hold a concrete stance. 'aw man why'd they do that... oh well...' times change ig. one thing i will shit on without feeling much guilt is the merch handling though like christ

i really want to hear her defend humanz like she said she might, like i'm on my knees... to wrap this up: very nice video if you want to hear about the behind the scenes of gorillaz all laid out in order. knowing the charting numbers didn't really hit for me till this video. and insight on how the band moved. there was a comment that said the flash games that are still archived today and she hearted it so you can check that out too, i've been going to that site archive for weeks now. i guess there was ONE thing which was i personally hated the way russel was used the entirety of that phase and i regard his mental break being phase 2 more than phase 3 so i raised my eyebrow at her depicting russel being cool and important, but like that's such a small bit, that i can understand why seeing him be a (silent) superhero was super cool. like yes he actually did do more actions on phase 3, bc even phase 1/2 he was, while well spoken gentle and wise, just there on the drums. i just want him to Say Something in phase 3 like that's his baby he's saving... well... ok. that's ok. don't get me started on my boy this post is already long e-fucking-nough

can i add. saying murdoc is the joker for gay teenage girls killed me

#i think at this point my re obsession mode is so heavy id pay someone to listen to me talk abt them for 4 hrs #text

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eddieydewr · 3 months

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The fact that fillie accounts even exist anymore is so funny 😂 I’m sure they’re friends and all, but they don’t seem to have much in common and I don’t know if it was directed that way or just ended up being so, but I feel like Mike and El’s chemistry has progressively died as the show went on anyway. The way that some of them seem to think Jake and Millie’s marriage is a PR stunt to hide Millie and Finn’s “relationship” is just comical. Take that back to 2016 where it belongs

yep, some flvns think millie married jake for PR which is absolutely nuts. surely she has SOME control of her own life? 😭 she’s not in a britney spears situation. the bongiovis are probably worth way more than millie does, they don’t need millie’s capital or clout - even if for jake’s sake. he can live on daddy’s money without using millie if that’s the case.

tbh, i have no idea what goes on in their private lives but i’d hope it’s nothing nefarious like flvns seem to think.

btw, i just noticed this. funny how they’ll agree with noah as long as it works for their narrative lmao idk when the post was but from the looks of the tags, it was 2020 so noah would’ve been 15 going on 16. afaik finn was with elsie and millie was on the tail end of that mess with her abuser. but it seems obvious noah was taking the piss. maybe they had an inside joke. maybe he tagged them and was like iykyk 👀 about something else entirely, lmao. i don’t even know if the post is real but 🤷🏻‍♀️

#also is it possible that noah thought millie and finn had a thing for each other and wanted to embarrass them? possibly!#but this is so embarrassing to use as evidence lmao from 4 years ago. noah isn’t the same kid back then #beth answers

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dogwittaablog · 10 months

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oh god i got into hockey during 2019-20 when nolpat was all the hype and his off putting nature and autistic tendency just really intrigued me. I haven’t been able to consume any content remotely about him since he got out on ltir (and then got traded and not being on the cup when his team won) since I was also a pretty competitive athlete who had to drop out because of my body no longer being compatible so it’s a sore spot for me. Literally my heart would sink to my stomach any time I see his name in the past year or so and tonight is the first time I’ve been brave enough to search his name up and check up on how bros doin. and when i say you account helped so much?? idk how maybe it’s the nolstagia of the good days™️ or if this nolpat fan page serve as a reminder that he (or just athletes in general) don’t lose their inherent value as people just because they cannot perform in their sport anymore

anyways sorry for rambling in your askbox all i’m tryna say it pls PLEase don’t delete your account when he eventually officially retire it’d really suck if all of this becomes lost media or smth also i need some form of reminder that i’m not going insane and hallucinated him into existence in a bout of mania to cope with my former athlete™️ feelings

*I’m all good for people wanting to ramble, one of the reasons I made this page was to be able go on and on myself, so I’m all here for others to do so as well!*

Nolpats was part of my teenage adolescence from 16-17. Was up on here during 2017-late 2018, but never ran an account. After a while I just lost interest and forgot he existed for the longest time. Couple months ago, I literally saw a pic of him come up on my Pinterest and I was like hmm let me see how he’s doing. Boy oh boy this sent me into a whole ass rabbit hole, and I started playing catch up.

I was just not expecting any of the things I was going to read up, literally the more I find out about him/his career the worst it just got. So I was out here shook and gutted.

I also realized how many people just stopped caring about him too. It was probably cause he was barely playing and hes a private individual, so I think interest got lost because there wasn’t anything to entertain.

I made this page really for shits and giggles, I think deep down it was for 16yr old me too. I’m a bit older now and less naive, so I also wanted to be able to talk about certain topics and things, that most people would’ve crucified you back then for. Especially because there was such a big uwufication on him. I love nolpats but I’m also aware and transparent on the reality of who he can be as a person.

*There’s just been stuff I stumbled upon and I’m like wait why was nobody freaking out and having full on convos about it, im not even talking about serious stuff but there’s some funny af shit I see and go why didn’t anyone host a 5 hour seminar about this?*

#nolpat #ask #I’m glad some of you can have a good time on here #also wanted this blog to be unfiltered in peoples pov and perspective #yeah sometimes I just re call my love for that man’s as a teen #and then remember everything that went on in that era #and life was so simple #also anon I hope you’re doing good!#AHHHH #“don't lose their inherent value as people just because they cannot perform in their sport anymore”#babe I can go off on a whole discussion about what you said 😭#dec '23 subs

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cyanoscarlet · 2 years

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alive, awake, alert

(Or, in our language, "conscious, coherent, cooperative".

Not enthusiastic, though. Much too late in the day for that.)

Felt physically fine after my bout with COVID last month. Was immensely demotivated for some reason, though. Always retired early everyday despite not being sleepy at all. I knew I was wasting time by not working on my slowly-piling academic output (hello, 0% written Graduation Thesis), but I couldn't muster the motivation to drag my ass to my desk beyond 9pm.

Today's the first day I properly set up my workstation. I already feel fulfilled. Hope this is a sign things get better for me again. I really, really, really need to get my shit together.

Last three months in residency - crossing fingers.

- (more rambling under the cut)

- Since I don't want to bother making another post anymore, have some more words from moi while I still remember my Tumblr exists lol.

Twitter Presence

Or rather, my sort-of lack thereof. The accounts are still up, but I haven't posted at all in months, for those who've noticed. Been busy IRL, and I find Twitter's pace too fast and too toxic for comfort these days.

Funnily, around once or twice a month I'd decide to end my Twitter hiatus and post just once to get the ball rolling, but every time I'd log in, the timeline would overwhelm me so much I end up nope-ing out again, so.

cyano scarlet

*** WIPED AND LOCKED. It's there only as a placeholder now. *** I don't really have a fandom account anymore. *** A lot of things happened- mainly drifting from the BSD fandom and the friends I made on it, for almost the same reasons I left the YOI fandom in the past. For a while after, I kept getting the nagging feeling that I really shouldn't have given in to my over-enthusiasm over BSD back then and made that damn account. *** Engaging in fandom made me lose confidence in my writing again for a while, then I became so busy with IRL (residency) that I eventually lost interest in writing fan fiction altogether. (That I'll write about as a separate post when time allows- got a lot of thoughts to unpack and unravel regarding my relationship with creative writing in general at this point. I hope this is just because I'm worn out from residency and not a sign of something deeper going on. IDK.)

choon xie

*** It's the public version of my IRL account, minus all the specific self-incriminating stuff, as well as all the fandom-related stuff. *** Originally just a "nom de plume account", but it's now basically just "me" except with a different surname. (My IRL surname's a whole boatload of complicated I don't want to explain again and again to people anymore. *** When I locked cyano scarlet for good, I decided to not complicate things anymore. Being my IRL self means I can and should be able to talk about and retweet whatever the hell I want on MY space, so if I want to talk about fandom or other non-mainstream / professional (MD) / original writing-related stuff, I'd do it all as "me" and not as some partially-sanitized version of myself. (i.e. "Oh, Doc Therese is a fujo / fangirl / stan / whatever?" Yes, She Is. Deal With It.) *** That said, it's currently DORMANT / ON HIATUS. Too busy.

Real IRL Account

*** My REAL account. Also my very first one- had it since college, so around 11 years ago. *** It's the unfiltered version of choon xie, including but not limited to: specific self-incriminating stuff, regular breakdowns over residenshit, Anxiety and Depression(TM), petty whining, and more. Locked private ever since, for a reason. (That said, I whine about everything on Tumblr these days, so yeah everyone knows now anyway - if anyone's even reading.) *** Followed only by people I know IRL, and fandom / online people whom I consider close enough to let into my "real" world. You know who you are. *** Also DORMANT / ON HIATUS.

Aerial Arts

Ah, yes, happier life update. I've started taking Aerial Classes at a pole dance stuido!

I actually took some classes in 2018 as a graduation gift to myself after med school. I wasn't actually working yet then, so I only limited myself to what I could afford with my meager allowance + red envelopes saved through the years. The day I filed for my medical license, I swore to myself I'd attend regularly and pay for it all myself.

(Then, of course, pandemic happened, and everything closed down. And of course residenshit's obviously an energy-draining bitch, but apparently I'd sorely underestimated how busy it could get, despite people saying Family Medicine's "just an easy program". Was only able to adjust properly now, sometime in the middle of senior year.)

So far the class I'm taking most regularly is aerial silks (tissue). It's the apparatus I was most drawn to in 2018, and for some reason I find myself gravitating back to it. (Also, silks classes for beginners are every Saturday, and I'm almost always available only on Saturdays, so there's really no other choice lol.)

Of course I also equally enjoy aerial hoop (lyra) and aerial hammock. They both involve a lot of spinning! Thing is, those classes happen on days I'm not available (just for now in residency!), so I don't get to attend them as regularly as I do aerial silks. I plan to attend classes for both hoop and hammock when I graduate, since I don't have hospital duties anymore by then - and hopefully will be earning more than I do now!

There's also pole, of course, which is actually the most popular class there! (Obviously.) I have my reasons for not doing pole - but who knows?

(Another reason why I'm not on Twitter or Tumblr anymore is because I'm using my Instagram again! Funny things is that I used to be inactive there instead, in favor of the two abovementioned sites, but now it's the reverse lol. I post all my aerial class videos there, despite it being locked to only IRL people.)

I believe this has been long enough. Have work tomorrow.

#cyanospeaks #basically another life update post lol

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glitchbirds · 2 years

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tmi/transitioning related things (mostly centered around surgery in this specific post), mildly nsfw at points. also this is very long

ok why do i find it easier to talk about these things on here, a public account where strangers and vague acquaintances follow me, than on my private twitter where only friends (mostly v close ones) follow me. idk. it just feels less embarrassing (IE: humiliating) if i picture the intended audience as more neutral/mixed and not consisting of multiple people who have met me in person and/or who have known me since middle/high school

also this is very rambly and maybe not coherent. apologies. this has been swirling in the back of my head since last night and im just throwing it into text post form and proceeding to pretend to forget it exists.

i feel like for most of my life i was extremely ambivalent about top/bottom surgery personally because i had such a detached sense of self (let alone attachment to my physical body) that i just didnt care. and as i got older i at least reached a point of like, ok, top surgery is definitely in the cards because i dont like my chest and its more of an inconvenience than anything, but i never really thought of it as like, overtly dysphoria-inducing to have breasts? my main issue was (and still is) always just how other people view their presence on my body. ive tried wearing a binder a grand total of two times, but it was uncomfortable (esp since i am Fat) and just drew my attention MORE to their presence. and this year it finally hit me that a lot of my current issues w/ my chest are resolved if i just… dont wear bras anymore. because just like a binder, bras mean im constantly thinking about the pressure on my chest. so i dont and im significantly better off for it, even though i Am constantly worried by the possibility of people staring. like. i have a big chest unfortunately and (sorry) the nipples are constantly making their presence known. but like. even when i wore bras the nipples constantly showed and i hated THAT too but at least now i dont think about them as much when im in public unless im speaking to someone directly, but then i can at least cross my arms or something.

ftr. the knowledge that just Deleting The Nipples Outright is even an Option with top surgery was a game changer and ive been set on that for years. i honestly think if you forced me to chose between removing the breasts and keeping the nipples, or removing the nipples and keeping the breasts, id have to think about it for a long time before deciding, because i think the latter option would solve way more of my remaining dysphoria than the former. having a chest does not bother me tremendously because again I Am Fat and fat cis men can have large chests too, so it doesnt feel like it automatically makes me read as A Woman to strangers... just in combination with other factors.

(in the end i would probably settle on top surgery and keeping the nipples if i HAD to, if only because i suspect the breasts to have some connection to chronic pain, but it wouldnt be ideal for me. i want these bitches gone.)

as for bottom surgery… WELL. no one on this god damn website(or twt) likes talking about bottom surgery seriously, or at least no one i know, which is unfortunate because it makes me feel like im alone here in caring about it in any capacity. i feel like a lot of my transmasc/trans guy friends only want(ed) top surgery and dont care about bottom surgery, which is absolutely fine and i support that and love that, but it does make it feel very difficult to even acknowledge the possibility that i might want it for myself because its like theres no precedent. (and ofc theres also the possibility that out of my friends there are others who are in the same boat as me and just dont want to talk about it publicly, which. Very Fair because clearly i am also having issues just Talking About It.)

ive also gone back and forth over wanting it for years, and then back and forth about what Kind i’d want, though ive learned over time that phallo is preferred for fat transmasc ppl and its probably what i would lean more towards getting for myself regardless of that. though the fact that its more expensive/can have more complications/requires more surgical procedures and longer recovery time, Does Scare Me A Bit, and that circles back into the aforementioned "i feel like a freak talking about this at all in the first place" feeling... like i dont even know how to talk about having these concerns in the first place because i feel like nearly everyone i know has simply decided to not bother with this and will somehow judge me for wanting it for myself. even though im aware thats nonsense. idk. just the fact that its literally Dick Surgery combined with my usual aggressively high levels of self-isolation = This Is The Most Humiliating Topic In The World To Me. how dare i acknowledge to others that i possess genitalia or that i may wish to alter them in some fashion to feel more comfortable. i feel like if i DID go through w/ getting phallo i would just go radio silent online throughout the whole process for months on end because id be too nervous to even acknowledge its happening.

which, in general is also something i wish i could fix in myself. :/ i have spent the majority of my life becoming more and more private and for the most part i dont think thats a bad thing but it unfortunately is/was combined with a lot of repression and trauma and im just barely beginning to fully untangle some of that and now im in a place where i dont WANT to be as reticent as i am but it feels impossible to really stop; and/or i feel like people ive known for years will be shocked and appalled if i suddenly acknowledge the fact that i am a human being capable of carnal thought. like, man, fucking look at the way im talking about this and dancing around the subjects. look at it. i am twenty five years old. i am a mess.

i think my other major concern w/ phallo that i didnt already note above is connected to this- i dont mind the idea of having skin graft scars, but i DO mind the possibility of someone looking at a scar on my arm and being able to tell. you know? like idk, someone knowing im trans and seeing that scar and suddenly Knowing the state of my genitalia without me even acknowledging it. which is probably. me being extremely paranoid for no good reason, because phallo isnt the only procedure in the world that requires skin grafts, most people in the world are not super well versed in Transmasc Surgery details, i could chose less obvious sites for skin grafts like the thigh, etc. but the thought just makes me deeply uncomfortable. though not AS uncomfortable as it used to make me? testosterone has done a LOT for me the past few months to make some of these things matter less to me and get me over some of these hangups i have had for the majority of my life and i am deeply deeply grateful for that. like i can guarantee i would not be making this post if i was not on T because i would just be too freaked out by the vague possibility of anyone actually reading this fucking Manifesto im crafting here.

idkkkk. it wouldnt be the end of the world if i decide against getting bottom surgery in the near-ish future- or ever- but like. GRIMACING ok let me rip THIS bandaid off, i have never in my entire life been comfortable with penetration . it is either uncomfortable or outright painful. i suspect i have vaginismus or something similar, and i know there are treatments for that and i could eventually reach a point where i Am comfortable with it, but frankly i do not Care. while there are times where i may wish that this was not a problem i have, i am mostly content with allowing a significant portion of my equipment to remain in relative disuse.

so like. idk. frankly it would probably be better for me to go through the whole process of bottom surgery so i actually have Fully Functional Genitals for the first time ever. ftr even typing that sentence makes me want to die i am like at war with myself and my own prudishness even when i am as vague as possible. i am also cutting out a LOT of other details rn because i would probably just keel over from a heart attack if i Did include them.

Ok Well. i have talked for like 1500 words about my problems disorders and publicly humiliated myself enough for one day. if youve read through this whole thing you have nothing but my apologies. and also my gratitude. but mostly the apologies.

#i went out of my way to figure out how to disable reblogs for this post instead of just trying to make it look unappealing to reblog #so that should tell you something #txt

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quatregats · 3 years

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got tagged by @acadiera, moltíssimes gràcies <3333

1. why did you choose your url?

There’s nobody here and also i like cats <3

2. side blogs?

This is a sideblog, my main is @guillemelgat. I also have 2 other sideblogs but I never use them (they’re technically for Malayalam and a writeblr but there’s basically nothing there so I’m not even gonna bother saying the urls). I don’t think I could honestly handle more than this lol, but if I do get my life together someday I’d love to make an Actual Writeblr (I have been fighting off the temptation though).

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

Since late 2015 (effectively 2016) 👀 I can’t believe I’m actually Old now

4. do you have a queue tag?

lol no I don’t queue I just postdump and let you guys figure it out (I did run a queue for a bit on my main when I was making posts once a week and not being on here for the rest of it and then my tag was, somewhat ironically, “la vida sense queue which is in fact the attitude towards queues that I have since embraced)

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

Okay this is going to sound REAL weird but I made myself a private Google site for languages and would like...post blog post things??? about my language study (for a grand audience of zero people), and my friends in high school had Tumblr so I had heard about it from them but also had no concept of what it was for. I decided to check it out at some point and was like oh I could make my language blog be on here because changing platforms is fun and stimulating, and so I did that and told no people and interacted with no one because it was basically just a continuation of the old Google site which was for my brain-dumping mostly, and then a year into having it I somehow let slip to a friend that I looked at Tumblr things sometimes and she was like oh can I follow you and I was like I mean sure but I just post weird language stuff which I don’t think is how people use this site and she was like oh it’s fine I have some friends who do that and I was like :0 and went home and did some digging and realized that there was an actual language community on here lol...Anyways there’s the lore that no one asked for

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

idk, I just like having myself as a pfp because I’m very face-oriented and I feel like it’s important for people to associate my words with my existence as a person??? if that makes any sense. Also I like the trans flag in the background but I might change up the picture soon because I don’t like it being a generic picrew :/

7. why did you choose your header?

I just really really really like the woods in New England and idk I think I was feeling sentimental or something. I literally changed it less than a month ago and I already forget why lol

8. whats your post with most notes?

I think on this account it’s the post about John T Kenney’s painting of Duck 😖 I just wanted to scream about things into the void but the weird TTTE fans found it and I Regret My Choices now. I like making popular posts though, I do literally everything within my power to keep them within a limited circle because idk how to handle interacting with strangers

9. how many mutuals do you have?

somewhere around 30 but a lot of them aren’t active anymore :(

10. how many followers do you have?

212 on here

11. how many people do you follow?

189....wow I really cut that number down by a lot (I’m trying to keep it under control so I spend less time on here)

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

uhhh actually idk what counts as one but yeah I’m pretty sure I have, I make a lot of dumb posts on this webbed site

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

I plead the fifth

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

ooof idk, I try to avoid conflicts like my life depends on it because I’m a very conciliatory person in general. I’ve had discussions, I think, and weird comments on my posts, and there’s been drama on here that I’ve tried to stay out of in general. I think I’ve managed to avoid getting in fights afaik

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

I get very freaked out about reblogging like 90% of posts even without the guilt tripping, I am always overthinking things, so no, I Detest them with all my soul

16. do you like tag games?

prev tags, I really just come on here to say lots of words so the more the better

17. do you like ask games?

yep yep! see above :)

18. which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I have absolutely zero grasp on what tumblr famous is because I’m in the middle of a very specific cell of tumblr so y’all seem famous to me, but honestly I have no idea. It seems like you guys do have way more followers and get way more notes than me though, so good for you <333 (not like a jealous thing, I don’t want notes or followers outside my mutual circle at this point, but I’m happy for you guys)

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

I refuse to answer any questions about crushes on anybody, blanket house policy for all people asking. I am way too repressed for that

I’m going to tag @ahabixa, @chatwiththeclouds, @portugue, @anthropologicle, @alvallah, @arabskaya-devushka, and anyone else who wants to <333

#crec que nosaltres dos som els que més xerren a les etiquetes i només vull reconèixer això <333 tag chatters solidarity #if other people want to do this feel free i love seeing people's responses #sorry to go on the long tangent about joining tumblr i just think it's very weird and explains a lot about why my blog is Like This #perce rambles #tag games

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sleepless-in-starbucks · 3 years

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14 (bodyguard AU) and 46 (blind date) sounds fun,,, your choice of ship ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥

14. Bodyguard AU || 46. Blind date

Random choice generator got me creativisleep!

roman's a semi-popular actor- he's never really been to an awards show, and he's not been in That much, but he had a small but strong role in a real popular film and plenty of leading ones in lesser known movies. he's got enough of a following to be satisfied with himself, even if it isn't That huge of one

because of this, roman didn't take the possible dangers of his fame seriously... until he got jumped by one fan at a play in his hometown. he came out fine (he's always fine ;p) but it made him reconsider his choice to not have some sort of protection

he ends up hiring remy to be his bodyguard, a choice he Slightly starts regretting when he realizes remy, despite having excellent marks out of bodyguard school, is about as professional as a golden retriever

they take roman's food out of his fridge Whenever, borrow Way too many of his shirts (and roman hasn't seen his BMC 'boyf riends' hoodie since they got their hands on it), and is never in typical bodyguard wear (they wore a suit for the interview and never again)

but they also bring roman coffee (when did they get his regular figured out...?), talk to him like he's just a Person and not a celeb, and have yet to try and kill him themself so. roman's alright with them staying

(plus, is it so wrong if roman enjoys how they look? he deserves for a bit of an eye-candy sorta bodyguard, damnit, they're with him all the time after all)

remy's been with roman as his bodyguard for a few months when roman decides he cant just keep Lookin at a pretty person, he deserves to have a pretty person to kiss and cuddle with too!! so he pokes around for a bit, finds a non-homophobic service (he's pan, so he could Technically use a plain ol' straight service, but he refuses on gay principle), and uses it

idk how datin apps work but this one that im makin up is a blind match up app, which takes ur information and uses it to randomly pair u up with random accounts. the app keeps account info privated until After the first date has been gone on, to really maintain the 'blind match' aspect. the matched up people play a mini guessing game through the app about places they can go for a date until location and time is determined

roman likes the idea of the app mostly to keep his own identity secret as long as possible- he doesnt want people pickin his account Just bc he's a celeb, y'know?

the first couple of blind dates dont go well tho... most are nice people who roman just isn't compatible with, one was a straight woman who spent the entire date being Very homophobic despite roman's rainbow heart + pan flag pins, and someone who was clearly Too Much Of A Fan (remy had to physically pull them off of roman and help him escape the park before they could latch back on)

oh, did roman not mention? remy's been coming on all his dates with him

because of course they are! they need to protect roman! whether that's by eating dinner in the booth over or sitting two rows back at the cinema or awkwardly half-stalkin roman and his date while they walk about

so they're always there, to bring roman there and take him home, and listen when he complains about the bad matches and lament the almost-winners, and convince him he is a catch that needs to try again because eventually Someone will realize he really is too good to pass up

(remy always says that line in a weird way)

so he keeps trying... until roman has possibly the worst date ever

because he gets stood up. it's fifteen minutes past the scheduled date time, he's gotten no text explainin where they are, but he's sittin at the restaurant alone and starting to become rather upset by the pitying look the server gives him when he says he's still waitin on someone else before he orders

remy slides into the seat across from him at the 20 minute mark. shoots roman an apologetic smile that an outsider would mistake as a 'sorry im late' one when roman knows it's a 'sorry they didnt show' one

roman appreciates the gesture to save him, but he almost just wants to go home at this point. he's tired and bein stood up feels like Shit, actually, and he's about ready to call off the whole dating thing really, dramatic as that may be (like it's not his middle name)

but remy says smth about this place having really good sandwiches, and it's clear they're tryin so hard to help roman out here, even a little, and roman can't just dismiss that effort, so he picks up his menu again and orders smth and tries to ignore the way his face heats up just the slightest at the relieved smile remy flashes next

lunch with remy is great, actually, better than it would've been with whoever couldnt be bothered to show or apologize or Anything. remy even knows the way to an ice cream shop on the way home, sayin it's for roman's 'broken heart' as they pay for it

except, well... roman's heart isn't feelin so broken anymore

it's actually feeling pretty put together. really functional. functioning really fast. especially when roman's looking at remy. or when remy's lookin at roman. or when they smile. or when they laugh. or when they speak. or when they-

roman doesn't fall asleep until 2am that night, heart still racing a bit, screaming into his pillow a bit as he acknowledges he is wholly and totally head-over-heels for his bodyguard

he tells remy the next day he's done with dating for a bit, saying he's still upset over being stood up. he doesn't mention that it's also bc remy's ruined all other people for him

things try to fall back in routine from there, but it's a bit harder when roman's trying to not be so in love with someone who just works for him. and remy's definitely started pickin up on it too- they had asked him just last if he was okay, that he didn't seem as upset by remy takin his clothes anymore, and that didn't seem like him, was he getting sick?

the opposite, actually, absolutely nothing makes me feel better then seeing you walk around in my shirt or jacket or whatever else, please never stop and also kiss me?

roman just said he was tired

eventually... roman decides this can't keep going on. remy's giving him more weird looks these days, and roman is pretty sure being around remy so much without Any kisses is starting to cause brain decay (it's not, it's really not, remy always bein on his mind is just a side effect of.... pretti........). so, he takes matters into his own hands

admittedly, maybe firing remy wasn't the best way to go, given remy immediately demands to know why, what they did wrong, even asking if roman's being blackmailed into this

"blink once for yes, twice for no" remy asks, lowering the sunglasses they always have on to look directly at roman's eyes

roman doesn't blink for a full minute. he might not be breathing for that minute either. has he ever seen remy's eyes this close? has he ever seen them at all? they're such a brilliant shade of brown. roman could drown in them. he might be already

roman's pretty sure he started this conversation standing up, but maybe not, because when he finally blinks and remembers things outside of remy's eyes exist he's sitting down and remy looks extremely concerned

"okay... what's wrong, hun?" they ask, and oh no, they look so sad, and worried, and that's not good, roman should fix that right now, regardless of whatever he was doing before (he's forgotten)

"im gay" he responds intelligently. this will fix everything

remy, however, just looks confused. "yes?"

"for you" roman adds, helpfully, sure that Now remy will understand they're just really very pretty and nothing's wrong and if they feel bad still they should look in a mirror because then they'll be good again

now it's remy's turn to sit in silence, expression frozen in one of shock. they still havent put their sunglasses back on, so roman doesnt mind, bc this gives him more time to stare at remy's eyes

"you're having a breakdown because you're gay for me???" remy finally asks, expression unfreezing to look incredulous and a little hurt

roman returns a similar look. "im not having a breakdown!"

remy scoffs. "yeah, sure, right, that's why you suddenly froze and completely stopped breathing and minorly collapsed after i... look off my shades to look at you..." they suddenly break out in a smirk. "oh my gods, you're a gay disaster"

roman doesn't try to deny it, especially with the knowledge he apparently did stop breathing to admire remy's eyes. they have a point

"how long?"

"since that date you hijacked after i got stood up" roman admits. he finds it extraordinarily rude when remy starts laughing

...until they're pulling out their phone, hurriedly opening up the exact same dating app roman had been using, showing a log of all the dates they had planned- there's only one marked as having actually been attended

same date time and place of the one where roman had assumed he had been stood up

"you broke my heart!" roman says as remy puts away their phone, over-dramatically, not actually giving a damn, just feeling gay and a bit giddy at the thought remy hadnt gone to any of the other dates, just theirs

no longer worried quite as much about roman for the moment, remy's smirk just grows, smoothly moving from being crouched in front of roman to being set firmly in his lap, lazily brushing hair out of his eyes and wow was remy always this warm? and stunning? and perfect?

"i dunno babe... sounds more like i stole it" remy teases, movin from playing with roman's hair to cuppin his cheek, leaning in close and not even bothering to pretend to be looking at anything other than roman's lips. "which, yeah, bad bodyguard etiquette... i hope you can forgive me..."

roman doesn't need his words to answer that tease

#oops this got long ':) i got distracted by the gays... happy pride month djhbvcfjds #fanfic #creativisleep #ts roman #ts remy #nb!remy #the cryptid speaks #meri #yeah roman just. has an all out gay panic disaster moment right there #poor man 😔#also my characters keep ending up kissin in each other's laps can y'all tell im a touchstarved gay yet /hj

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aaronhart93 · 4 years

Text

text || aaromtin

Discord text thread featuring: Aaron & @romanbeckett & @quentindelancret

When: March 7, 2020 and March 8, 2020

Mentions: @jamisonhq @codyhq @jayceelynd

Description: Quentin gets upset at what Jamison said in the group chat, they just fight a lot. the next day he tells Roman and Aaron that he sexted with Troye Sivan.

Trigger Warnings: mental illness, arguing, cheating if you consider sexting cheating ig

Quentin.

I’m just gonna go back to my place.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wait why?

Quentin.

I need to go back to my place

I’ll text you guys later

Aaron.

is it about what Jamison said in the group? ignore him, Q

Quentin.

don’t worry about it. It’s fine

Aaron.

its not. i texted him on the side and told him to cool it

im sorry he said that to you

Quentin.

of course you did

I can’t do this anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

do what??

Quentin.

deal with this

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

deal with what Q

Aaron.

Quentin, I'm making myself look like an ass to defend you in front of him. Don't take this out on us babe. Don't prove him right

Quentin.

being talked down to by all of Aaron’s ex’s who apparently think I’m just his pet now

just go deal with him I’m fine

I didn’t even do anything so I don’t know how I’m proving him right of anything

Aaron.

he's dealt with. it won't happen again

Quentin.

you just don’t even get it

Aaron.

maybe i don't, but come to bed and help me understand

Quentin.

I’m tired of it. Your little toys never do this shit to Roman or anyone else and I’m fuckin sick of it

Aaron.

i dont know how that's our fault

Quentin.

it’s not. I guess I’m just not worthy so I’ll step down

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

what have we done to ever make you feel that way

Quentin

You haven’t done anything. I just said it’s not your fault

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

then why are we being punished

Quentin.

you know what, never mind. I’ll just continue to be talked down to so that all of Aaron’s ex’s can pretend like he still feels some type of way about them and I’m just the flavor of the week

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

who cares what they fucking think. It’s not about them.

Quentin.

it’s not about what they think. I don’t care what they think. I care about the way they treat me. Only me

Aaron.

and you need to let me take care of that

Quentin.

yeah okay

maybe you can give him a job too

Aaron.

but don't treat us like this.

that's uncalled for Q

Quentin.

or my bad.. he probably already works for you

it is uncalled for Aaron. It is

Aaron.

cryptic

Quentin.

just let me step aside so you have have your toys close

Aaron.

text us when you cool off. then come back home to bed

Quentin.

yeah, I’m good. Just leave me alone

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I’m staying at the apartment.

Quentin.

that’s fine

Aaron.

great ill just sleep alone.

Quentin.

maybe text Jamison or Cody I’m sure they would love to keep you company

Aaron.

or maybe half of my other employees

Quentin.

yeah maybe

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Jesus, can you all just stop

Quentin.

I just wish you would even try to see it from my side. Like what if Stas was saying that shit to me? And I worked with him and saw him every day and when he attacked you I ran to text him privately

is that okay? Or maybe if I went to Hawaii would that be okay?

Aaron.

Quentin, I'm on your side. I am seeing it that way. I'm just confused as to why you're getting upset at us.

Quentin.

I’m not upset at Roman

Aaron.

and why are you mad at me?

Quentin.

because Aaron. You tell me all this shit and then turn around and pet their heads

I just don’t get it. How you can just act like, oh I told them to stop and just want me to drop it

Aaron.

I just told you I’m making an ass of myself defending you to him

Quentin.

well, don’t go making an ass of yourself on my account

the only ass I saw was him

Aaron.

okay quentin. Reset. What can I do to make this better

Quentin.

leave me alone. That’s what you can do.

I don’t want to do this anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Q don’t make any rash decisions right now. Just cool off.

Quentin.

I shouldn’t have to dread going into the town chat or have to watch what I say or else I’m gonna be attacked by Aaron’s thots.

it’s bullshit

Aaron.

read

Quentin.

I’m sorry, I do love you Aaron. I’m just so tired of fighting everyone just to be with you

Aaron.

Quentin. Cool off. Please

Quentin

I am cool

Aaron.

I love you

Quentin.

yeah

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Quentin.

the thing is. I’m not mad at either of you

I’m just so tired of it

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

nothing in life is ever easy Q, but what we have is worth it.

Quentin.

yeah okay

I’ve been belittled my entire life. I just don’t want to have to deal with it in order to have a boyfriend

especially when said boyfriend just talks them down and doesn’t really care enough to cut it off

Aaron

but cut what off?

Quentin.

all these ex’s you are so determined to stay friends with even though they make me feel this way

Aaron.

you just told me about Cody today and Jamo wasn’t an issue until now

Cody is going to raise my best friend’s child and Jamison is my business partner. It is not that easy

Quentin.

okay well, that’s why I’m making it easy

Aaron.

don’t talk like that

Quentin.

Jay is my best friend too ya know? I’ve tried so hard to be friendly with Cody. But every time I turn around he’s being an asshat to me

it’s fine. It’ll all be fine

Aaron.

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

Quentin.

don’t be

I guess I just need to start being more of an asshole myself

Quentin.

anyway, have a good night

the next morning

Aaron.

can we promise never to let other people affect our relationship

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I can definitely promise that

Aaron.

me too

♛ 𝕽𝖔𝖒𝖆𝖓 ♛

I don’t wanna lose either one of you.

Aaron.

and you won’t.

Quentin.

hello

Aaron.

morning sleepyhead

Quentin.

morning.

Quentin.

Troye and I messed around last night over text after you and Aaron fell asleep. I was rolling in molly and I wasn’t thinking straight and I swear I wasn’t getting off with him. I just didn’t think it was serious and I don’t even remember doing it. But I wanted you to know. I’d never keep that from either of you and I hope you know I don’t want him. It was a stupid crush and I’m so sorry. I’m so so so sorry

Aaron.

read

Quentin.

I just want to add that I don’t want him. I swear I don’t want him and I don’t even wanna go see him now. He’s been flirting with me for days now, which Roman I told you about that. But idk what happened. I’m not a cheater. I don’t wanna be a cheater. I’m so sorry I can’t even breath. Please don’t hate me. I love you both so much. With every ounce of my existence

Aaron.

read

I love you too

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

read

Quentin.

I love you both.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you too.

Aaron.

read

#discord #text #text: roman #text: quentin #quentin #roman

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attract-mode-collective · 4 years

Video

youtube

So, About That Pac-Man Championship Edition Demake...

My current fave game is a Famicom/NES iteration of one of an all-time fave titles for the Xbox 360: Pac-Man Championship Edition. Which was recently released as a bonus title of sorts, for the recently released Namcot Collection.

But the video above is not said game. Or is it?

Said video was published in 2017. Three years ago? Alas its uploader provides zero precious info; when someone in the comments asked where the rom came from, the answer was just...

"Idk"

And when asked if said uploader still has it, the response was simply...

"not anymore"

It's worth noting that I saw the video above courtesy of @gosokkyu, who states...

"...that "8-bit demake" of Pac-Man Championship Edition may very well be based on an old Japanese homebrew, similar to Sega's acquisition of the fan-made Darius port for the Mega Drive Mini"

A few days later, Siliconera (side note: who out there remembers my days as their East Coast Editor?) published an interview with Naoki Horii, from M2, which (not surprisingly) is responsible for Namcot Collection. Though the focus was, of course, "Pac-Man Championship Edition (FC Arrange Version)" and the following is perhaps the most interesting part...

"... we originally negotiated to port the game to Nintendo 3DS, and afterwards, we’ve been working on this for around nearly five years."

Wait, so is the M2's version and the one seen above not the same thing, as in from totally different parties? Anyone who has played the one that just came out for the Switch can tell you that it's somewhat different than what you see in the video, or should I say hear... the audio in the retail release is more polished... but otherwise they're VERY similar.

But then along comes @blizzardjesus, who shared this second video, which appears to be the same version as seen above... except it's eleven years old?

vimeo

I then decided to go back to the previous YouTube video's comments section and take a closer look. These two, from the same person, really stood out...

"Nobody has the rom/patch because the creator, Coke774, never released it, just the footage. He did some minor patches found over at romhacking but not a lot. I suspect it wasn't released for legal reasons."

And...

"... it is what it is. This was never released so unfortunately, for now, all we have is footage like this. Maybe one day it will get released but Coke774, for some reason, isn't releasing it yet. https://togetter.com/li/743867 - you can see there they made a homebrew cartridge of it for themselves."

That link compiles various social media content into a blog post-like container. Included is various Niconico videos, including one for Coke774's "Nintendo version Pac-Man CE (Port without permission)". Alas, it's no longer viewable, but check this out; a cartridge version, of sorts, was produced via the usage of Kirby's Adventure...

The photo above was shared by someone else on Twitter, @mucom88, back in 2014, which again proves that this other Pac-Man CE demake existed before M2 began working on theirs. Maybe?

Now, not to get off track here, but something else by Coke774 that caught my eye was "Famicom version Gradius (AC conversion)". Sorry, but I’m simply a massive Gradius fanboy; again, it's associated Niconico footage is long gone, but, footage does exist... via Coke774's YouTube channel!

youtube

It too saw a "physical release", and the following was again taken by @mucom88 in 2014...

Fellow Import Club member @joe_keiser, who unearthed Coke774′s YouTube account, observed: "Notably pac man CE is not on his channel". Interesting!

So the original question stands: was M2's Pac-Man CE demake made completely separately, and it just so happens to coincidentally to be VERY similar to a homebrew project? There's enough evidence of Coke774's handiwork that makes me believe that his version wasn't faked... so I'm assuming that he was simply hired by M2?

Yet, as evidenced by the fact that there’s a “2019″ in the title of that last video, it would appear that he still does stuff on the side? Hey, did he by chance work on the hidden arcade version of Gradius for the PC Engine Mini? Even more questions!

UPDATE #1: I just realized that the link with all the compiled tweets and Niconico footage no longer works! Yet it was up, only just a few hours ago… again, interesting!

UPDATE #2: I initially thought that now dead link was non-functional due to a mistake on my end. Which is not the case (though it’s still VERY odd how it all of sudden all the contents JUST disappeared), yet I decided to check everything else, just cuz.

Well, I just came across another Twitter thread from @gosokkyu once again, which in addition to side-by-side comparisons, also has the following discovery…

"I did a quick search and dude pulled his old webpage and privated all his Pacman CE videos towards the end of last year"(!!!)

You'll also find links to all of the now private vids, BTW/FYI.

9 notes · View notes

hmajorgirl · 4 years

Text

so here I am for old times sake. it’s been 5 years and a lot has changed. but i’m kinda still the same. maybe my inner monologue doesn’t sound as self-assured as it did when I was 15. maybe i don’t romanticise the shit out of every 2 second eye contact i make with cute strangers. maybe i don’t grammar well anymore because i think it’s a cute look. Oh wow. so much of the world has changed. facial recognition, instagram shops, the pandemic... so many new songs i play on repeat until i’m sick of them. i’m a lot less motivated than i was before, and i’m ashamed to admit that. i have smile lines. i feel more and more defeated everyday (actually, we’re trying to work on this). but yh the sad emo vibes never quite dissipated like i dreamed they would, i felt so betrayed by the order of things and the way of the world that i lost a lot of hope. gave up on myself (a bit... a lot sometimes). but other times, it’s gucci. i feel like i’m definitely more cringe than cheesy now. not sure if that’s a good thing, pretty sure it’s not.

hmm. what hasn’t changed? still unfortunately in love with love, but i can mostly see the difference between real life and the cute shit that happens in my head. i’m learning to have faith, to trust. to start living life and exist in the same dimension as other people because even though it sucks, it’s better than existing alone in your head. i realised that studying will only get you a quarter of the way to things and unfortunately stopped that shit. it wasn’t a good idea because i didn’t pick anything else up. i’m still writing songs. still singing them badly. BUT my singing has improved marginally:) i still love my parents, family is all good (touch wood). still a bit too impressionable but we’re working on building a stronger willpower and independence. still love taylor swift. still want to run away to the creative industry. still want to runaway sometimes (in general). I still write! sometimes. wow, i guess some things really just don’t change.

The good? Hmm my eyes have been opened to the multi-dimensions of wealth and inequality and cultural differences that exist in the world. I am thankful for that and didn’t know that money could buy so much. but simultaneously feel disheartened that the discrepancy is so large between people at birth. inequity is real and idk how i feel about that because i really believed in the natural justice system. and then I was so caught up in these feelings of betrayal and injustice that i forgot that i am lucky enough to have the opportunity to change things. I forgot about it for 5 years and now it feels like it’s too late. i know it’s not.

that was a digression.

the good. okay. hmm discovered korean dramas and the mastery that is cinema and how it evokes emotions through stories and idk that’s just a piece of my soul coming together. i work out occasionally. sadly i stopped dance but i’m vowing to sign up for classes once i have the money. i got a spotify membership and spend my days making playlists for myself and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I really hate how my inner core is so soft and romantic, it’s not fit for the capitalist society that we’re living under. i have friends, i like them, they like me. there is a guy, maybe. there were a few guys actually. i’m not sure how long this one is going to be around for GAHHH omg imagine if i re-read this in five years time and i’m laughing at myself because he screwed me over so bad idk. i have bad self-esteem issues. i am kinda joking, kinda not. okay, i like him but let’s move onto another topic. i’m trying my best to adult and be honest with my feelings and approach things with feigned maturity to mask my pre-teen thoughts. let’s leave it at that:)

i remember that taylor said that the lucky one was the hardest song to write for the red album. because it was solely about her and her life. no guys (apart from the second verse but okay that’s not central to the song). it’s the same for me. i don’t want to talk about the direction of my professional life because it scares me more than messing my life up romantically. for now, i’m beginning to see the role of passion and interest in work and it’s importance. I’m trying my best to walk towards that direction because i know that ultimately i want a career that I would love to work overtime for. but i’m still trying to balance the scales between what i want and the confinements of reality. i need to make money. sometimes it feels like an either or kind of situation and i don’t know what to do. but maybe this is just standard 20 year old thoughts. okay but we have 2 months left of uni so i’m going back to studying. i hope that when i look back on this i would have a 2:1 bachelors (but let’s be honest we want a first)

some final thoughts for 25 year old me because why not make your tumblr a time-capsule? dodie-style.

what are you listening to right now? I’m listening to 21 by gracie. Are you seeing anyone? Honestly, I don’t see you in a steady relationship because i feel like your self-esteem will get in the way of things - either that or you get your shit together and focus on your career too much. I hope it’s the latter. I hope family is all well and healthy. call them. right now, if you’re not living with them. DEAR GOD PLS don’t still be living with them. OH GOD DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FLAT/HOUSE?? where are you by the way? london? what are you doing right now career-wise? how’s it going? is it what you want to do? does it fit in with your life plan? please tell me you have a life plan by now. i hope i’m proud of you. i hope you’re working hard. how are you? really? are you rich enough to afford therapy and weekly spin/pilates sessions? what’s up with your social circle? are you still writing? ARE THERE DRONES EVERYwhere? How’s chloe? Elizabeth? Jason? Update me, what happened with the guy - i want to hear a story. do you cook now? did you manage to turn your personality type from a 2/9 enneagram to a 3? bitch we gonna work on this. do you still write songs? can you sing? you don’t have kids right lmao pls no god help us. what’s your yearly salary post-tax? did you start dancing again? did you start to learn piano again? what happened with the pandemic? how long were you quarantined for? do you still make spotify playlists haha? what tv series are you currently binging? do you hate me? please tell me your still blogging ur life on ur private instagram. how many followers do you have now? who are you having conversations right now with on facebook? what are your colleagues like? are you less people orientated now that you’ve realised that they cannot provide you with the love that you are depriving yourself of from yourself? DO YOU READ? are you the perfect health-freak, ig-girl, smart business woman, go-getter in her white suit at the glass media company that you dreamed about being at those dark spin sessions? GOD IMAGINE. I hope you are but i don’t have faith right now. pls tell me you don’t teach (or you teach and ur salary is insane in a good way). are you a journalist? you didn’t go into consulting right? did you study again after uni? are you the screenwriter that you’ve dreamed about? did your poetry account blow up and now you’re a full time poet? I still kinda hope you work at a nice glass office (brand consulting, advertising, media, journalism) and wear cute coords suits to work. and i hope you’re writing on the side because it’s who you are. I hope you’re reading lots and I hope you’re super smart and switched on. I hope you’re memory has improved a lot. I hope you’re in love, I hope he loves you back and I hope you know that too. I hope you have a great and healthy relationship with your parents and see your extended family and grandparents often. I hope everyone is healthy and I hope you took your parents to duck and waffle like you wanted (don’t do it when you’re poor though). I hope you’re taking care of your health and eating well. I hope you’re still dreaming in a realistic way. I hope you have great mentors and a supportive friend group. I hope you’re living your best life. re-read the defining decade. but i hope you don’t reminisce to much anymore and don’t write too many songs because you’re 25, time to break out the novel shit. I hope you’ve travelled alot. I hope you spend a few more summers in china falling in love with life and yourself again. how is your chinese? are you still a romantic? tell me, have you changed, if at all? do you read the news? are you less cynical about yourself and more realistic or less optimistc about the world? I hope you are. contingencies are important.

are you excited for the future? I hope you are. if not, please change, you have time, all you need is faith and diligence. hope you’re holding up well. Me? at 20? I’m excited about what my 25 year old self is going to be like, like i was excited to see what my gcse results were going to be like. I hope the results are the same. work hard. i love you. hope you love yourself more. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. have faith. :) i can’t do much for you, but i hope i did a lot to get to where you are right now. hoping is useless, i’m going to work now.

take care x

#hmajorgirl

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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950

Have you ever gotten a surprisingly good grade on a school assignment that was worth a lot of points? Why was it a surprise to you that you got a good grade? (ex. you did put much effort into) I guess, but it’s rare. I usually have an idea if I’ve flunked, did alright, or excelled in a test once I turn it over.

Do you tend to get sick more often in the wintertime? If not, is there a certain season that you get sick more often in besides winter? I never get sick. My fevers, whenever they do come, happen at random and unpredictable times of the year and it’s always just once a year or less too.

Do you find yourself being more of a germaphobe when you’re in public? Only with things that would come into contact with my mouth, like I hate sharing my utensils or drinks with anyone who isn’t either of my two best friends. Oh and I also don’t like having to borrow other people’s clothes, the idea of the germs and sweat and other stuff that’s been in there always makes me cringe, even if washing machines exist :(

What is the worst thing you’ve seen in a public restroom? Anything nasty that wasn’t flushed or poorly-wrapped napkins in the trash bin.

Nerdy question time. If you were in a more medieval time period, would you prefer to excel in might, magic, or finesse? Finesse, I guess. It’s the only one that sounds appealing.

Do you have any friends from foreign countries? Are they online friends or foreign exchange students? Or perhaps you have some from both? I used to but we all grew apart at some point. I’m actually a little stressed right now because Carley’s reaching out to me again on Twitter...she went on and off the radar from 2014-2016 and eventually I got tired of it and cut off contact with her except on Facebook. I just hate that it’s happening all over again because her on-and-off-ness affected me a lot before and I worked so hard to finally stop feeling bothered by her unpredictability and now we’re here again, ugh. I recently set my account to private so at least I don’t have to accept her request, but still.

Have you ever studied how your last name originated? It’s Portuguese and Spanish. And derived from French, I learned on Google just now.

What is one recipe that you would like to learn how to make? (Can be anything from breakfast to dessert.) Pad thai. That’s one dish I can see myself having no problem living on for every meal for the rest of my life, so it’s gonna be a super practical thing to learn how to make it haha.

When you are around people for too long, do you find yourself wanting some “me time?” Or do you prefer to be around people frequently? Definitely, especially after an entire day of socializing like when my org would hold all-day events that I often end up managing; and my orgmates usually asked to go out for drinks in the evening too, so that used to really drain my social battery. That’s why I never liked going out on the weekends – those two days are my precious recharging days. I do love being around people though and will always prefer that, it’s just that I value my me time too.

Is there any specific reason why you prefer to take a shower in the morning or night? (ex. I prefer to shower at night because I don’t want to get up early. Silly reason, but oh well) I don’t have a preference anymore. I used to take showers in the evening because I liked feeling fresh when I start trying to fall asleep, but now I just shower whenever I no longer feel clean.

Are there bands/artists out there that make you feel like they are singing about your life? If so, which bands/artists are they? Yes. It’s always different artists, though. The most recent one who’s gotten pretty accurate about my life is Niki.

Even if you are not into sandwiches, what would be your perfect lunch sandwich? Whatever goes on a banh mi. I don’t make sandwiches myself, but I do order them a lot and I just let servers do their thing with my banh mis haha.

How many hours can you go after a meal before you are hungry again? Does the time vary off how big of a meal it was? 24, apparently. That’s what happens these days.

How do you feel about holiday shoppers? Idk, nothing? I’m a late shopper too but I enjoy the pressure that comes with it tbh. Makes me end up getting great finds for my loved ones.

Do you have anything significant planned for your winter break? Assuming you are in school. If not, sorry. We only have a Christmas break, but no I don’t have any plans. Just make it out alive I guess, since I don’t really do well in Decembers.

[found at scyphozoansurveys]

#survey #surveys

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bond-villains-are-winning · 5 years

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There is NO Capitalism.

There is just Socialism. mainly four types...

1. Socialism Only for Banks (USA, post-Brexit UK),

2. Socialism Only for Party Bosses (Communism: Vietnam, China. Plus the Old USSR and the Warsaw Pact)

3. Socialism Only for the State (Fascism: Turkey, Brazil, Philippines, North Korea. In the past Mussolini Italy, Hitler Germany, Tojo Japan, Franco Spain, Salazar Portugal)

4. Socialism for Organized Worker Resistance and, incidentally, everyone else(E.U.,Japan, Korea, Singapore, Cuba. The USA 1946 to 1973, UK 1926 to 1960)

[This is a LONG post]

US Socialism Only for Banks - a History

US Bank failures prior to 1913 & the Federal reserve:

When checks from one bank are cashed in another bank, unfortunately, actual printed paper money does not relocate from bank to bank.

Nor do the banks handle accounting for liabilities as must any other business.

The Originating bank issues a check and sets up an account for the bank that cashed the check; an IOU has been issued to the 2nd bank.

The check cashing 2nd Bank books as “Income-available-for-loaning-out” the IOU from the originating bank. That IOU becomes, through the miracle of accountancy, “available” money. A current “asset”. Not a future “receivable “ as it would be in any other business.

When the second bank uses the money for one of its depositors’ checking accounts which issues a new check to pay a third party - that 2nd IOU becomes through “deposit” in the 3rd bank magically transformed into 2x the money available. Because “it”now exists in 2 banks as “an asset”.

And so on 3x) and so on (4x) an so on (5x) and...

The originating bank may be making the IOU based on a deposit or a loan

If the Originating bank makes a loan, it books as “Available-for-loan-today” both the principal and anticipated interest not due in full for many years in the future.

Any, any, any hickcup in cash flow in any bank in line creates a domino affect with the IOUs. Sufficiently sized hickups and bank failures and the various multiple Panics, five “Great Depressions” and 40+ Recessions 1782 to 1912.

(See Fed Reserve article at end of post)

Socialism Only for Banks post-1913 from the Establishment of the Federal Reserve until 1935.

Same as above (what? You thought...)

PLUS Socialism Only for the 1/3 of Banks that had joined the Reserve.

The Reserve bailed out its members after the 1929 Crash and the stronger non-member Banks at the taxpayers expense.

The taxpayer depositors lost whatever they had in the non-bailed out banks.

The St. Louis Fed Reserve in 1930 declined to bail out non-members. Triggered catastrophic failure. That failure which in turn gave rise to bank robber folk heroes Bonnie & Clyde, Ma Parker, Dillinger, Nelson, etc in the mid-west.

Continued over-extension by Banks led to continual bank failures even with Bailouts 1929 to 1934

Socialism Only for Banks 1935 to 1980

Same as above except...

FDR establishes the FDIC in which the ordinary taxpayers get to replace their own bank-lost deposits in banks to a preset imited amount - of course at the taxpayers’ expense, not the Banks’.

FDR Administration took over 1 million mortgages from failed banks at lower rates. The other million who families who applied...well...

The tax payers through the magic of doubletalk borrowed from their future tax payments to pay through the FDIC to the Bank to put back the taxpayer’s own money the over-extended bank had lost.

Anything not covered by FDIC was lost.

All banks are part of the FDIC and the Federal Reserve. Both of which essentially do the same thing without “reserves” or actual “insurance deposits”.

Regan screws us all: Socialism for Banks Only 1981 to 2007

Same as above except...

In the 1980s Speculators paid Congress to loosen banking regulations and anti-trust laws.

Massive Ponzi scheme involving Speculators purchasing Savings and Loans or “junk bonds”, making loans on wildly inflated property values, losing everything, then declaring bankruptcy 1984-1994.

The ordinary tax payers got to bail out the S&Ls through a couple of new federal agencies. The taxpayers once more borrowing from their future taxes to bailout their own current mortgages.

With Savings and Loans the 25 national commercial banks were “forced” to take over mortgages. By 2008 we were down to 6 national commercial banks.

Couple of 1990-era debacles. Building the cell phone network but somehow lost the investors money. Then overinvestment in early dial-up internet startups which lost the Investors money.

Important gibberish: “... the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act of 1999 repealed significant aspects of the Glass-Steagall Act as well as the Bank Holding Act of 1956, both of which had served to sever investment banking and insurance services from commercial banking. From 1999 onwards, a bank could now offer commercial banking, securities, and insurance services under one roof.” (Investopedia)

Oh goodie! No more cumbersome “guberment reg-jew-laysions”!

In next to no time Commercial Banks came up with a dictionary full of gibberish (derivatives, tranches, MBS,negative amortization ) to cover bundling and selling mortgages for up to 3x any possible future payments or conceivable property value (just like S&L debacle above - see, business as usual)

In 2004 the Bush Administration “relaxed” the net capitalization requirements at the behest of five Wall Street Banks. (Less than four years later three of these experienced financial geniuses went under while two were saved by brillant...just kidding, two had “friends” in high places and were bailed out)

In 2006 the bottom fell out of the real estate market.

In 2007 no Economist saw the Iceberg ahead.

Socialism Only for Banks 2008 to Present

Same as above except...

In October, 2008 the largest single Ponzi scheme in galactic history collapsed taking down most of the world economy.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but when we were told about the $700 billion “bailout” of 2008...no one mentioned that - according to Forbes (see link at bottom) - it was just the first installment on the $4.6 TRILLION paid out as of 2014 of the...are you sitting down?...$16.8 TRILLION the Geo W Bush Administration committed.

As I’m sure you remember, when the Banks got their Special Socialism Bailout they humbly awarded themselves Multi-Million$$ bonuses. ($132 Million$$ in 2010 when they weren’t loaning)

Then the Banks foreclosed on 16 MILLION HOMEOWNERS who were victims of Predatory loans(see graph below) Over 10% of all households.

I forget, who bailed out the self-bankrupted Banks? Oh, yeah, the US taxpayer. But at $17 Trillion also we taxpayers’ children, grand children, great grand children, etc, etc, etc, etc to sometime in the 22nd Century.

It’s not just the Banks...

Did I mention that when the Banks obtain the money to pay interest on our savings by “investing” in that Great-Ongoing-Ponzi-Institution we call the Stock Market? That 80% of all stocks are owned by the Banks - not the Super-Rich?

The Super-Rich only own about 5% of Stocks The Super-Rich own voting stocks however, unlike the stocks owned by the Banks. So the voting stocks give the Super-Rich “control” with minimal investment.

That of the $700 Billion$$ per year Congress insists the Pentagon spends, $100 Billion is for all service personnel here and abroad living in aging decrepited bases. The Lion’s share of the Budget the Pentagon doesn’t want goes to military contractors (who are, coincidentally, BIG Congressional campaign donors) for obsolete armaments no other country has or wants. Such as sitting duck’ Nuclear aircraft carriers Russia can hit from 300 miles away ; nuclear attack subs with no enemy fleets to attack; $400,000,000 temperamental fighter jets that required a week of maintenance after an hour in the air; etc, etc, etc. ( You didn’t really think we spent trillions and trillion$ fighting Iraq oilfield workers or Afghanistan farmers did you?)

When the Super-Rich screw up as they do with appalling frequency, they pay Congress to take our future tax payments to pay for today’s bailout. Or Subsidy, Or Taxcut. Or...

Of course, thanks to the Bank bailouts, Corporate bailouts/subsidies, and tax cuts for the One-Percent, we are told by their bribed stooges in Congress that “we” have to “do something about Entitlements”. By which “they” mean “gut everyone’s Social Security and Medicare”.

Also “we” “can’t afford Universal Healthcare”. Even though EVERY COUNTY with Universal Healthcare pays HALF or less than the $11,000 per person Private Insurance “Choices” costs the US Insured ($11,000 which doesn’t include “co-pays”, “not covered”, “covered, but denied”, “deductibles”)

Every country pays less. Every country in Europe including Russia. Every country in the world receiving US military aid including Israel. Small Island Nations like Grenada and Fiji with populations of 100,000 (I’ve been there and spoken to the ordinary people).

Same goes for Veteran Care, the Homeless, the Hungry, Education, etc.

What about the Future?

Idk about you, but at $17 Trillion for last decade’s imbecility I don’t think we can afford Banks, Stock Markets, Military Contractors, Big Insurance, Big Pharma, the Fossil Fuel Industry and the Super-Rich anymore.

In the near future when the Predators’ Ponzis fail, we could use the 22nd or 23rd Century’s taxpayers’ money to bail out ONLY our own 21st Century asses.

This next time let the banks fail. Break up the Mega-Corporations. And tax-like-its-theft whatever the Super-Rich have.

At this point it’s ALL been paid for with our great grandparents tax money. Our grand parents tax money. Our parents tax money. Our current and future tax money. Our children’s , their children’s. Their children’s children’s, and, of course, etc.

Otherwise...the same as above.

The Fall of World Capitalism:

Lenin was apparently correct when he predicted in 1912 the imminent collapse of late-stage Capitalism which Marx earlier predicted would be in the form of Imperalism. The First World War errupted as countries chose up “teams” to steal the other “team’s” overseas empires.

The losing side’s colonies were redistributed to the “winners” who had bankrupted themselves to achieve “Victory”. The British Empire, the French Empire, the Dutch Empire, the Belgian Empire had entered their Twilight Years.

The true winners of WW1 were the US and the USSR which took no new territories. Russia exited the ‘War to Steal Colonies’ as the USSR to save what was left of its population. That exit threatened Billion$$ the US had loaned the Allies if the Allies lost. As a result, and not for the first or last time, the US came up with a pretext to enter the war the very next month. (Google “Zimmerman Telegram”. 200,000 US casualties resulted).

“Loser” Turkey came out better as well. Their post-war nationalist revolution was evidently happy to be out from under the burden of maintaining the Ottoman Empire.

WW2 or (the Death of Late-Stage Capitalism part 2) grew out of the disaffection of number of “Victorious”countries and independence movements that felt cheated in the redistribute or in remaining colonies: Italy, Japan, China, India/Pakistan, Indonesia, Vietnam, China.

Of course, Germany and Austria had fought to a stalemate - not a defeat. So the anger of over being blockaded during the supposed 1919 Peace Negotiations with subsequent starvation of friends and families created the Nationalists who helped fuel Part 2.

Part 2 might have been avoided had the Czar spent more on transportation infrastructure for moving food. Then the October 1917 Revolution might have gone on to inflame half or all of Continental Europe and a large part of Asia. As it was, the Soviets couldn’t move food fast enough. So Lenin accepted the British bribe of food to feed the starving. In exchange for continued food supply he backed off on international revolution. (“BS”you say having not read of Revolutionary uprisings n the 1920s in Germany and England).

For a time in the US when labor had strengthened through the war years, the White working class enjoyed a “Socialism for Organized Resistance.” era 1946 to 1973. The rise of Civil Rights to join the Resistance split the White working class organized labor. Thus the downward spiral back into “Socialism Only for the Banks”.

Qualifications:

I have not researched the developing nations such as India and Africa. They may be experimenting with macroeconomic organizations different from anything above.

The Basque region of Spain continues the Anarchic economy that began in the mid-1930s. Evidently very successfully. But I regret I’ve not researched or traveled there - yet.

I have classified Cuba based on the apparent (to an outsider) Social stability and healthcare as something separate from ‘Socialism Only for Party Bosses.’ Perhaps more like Leninism before Dzerzhinsky, Stalin & the Terror?

I fear that Japan and perhaps Korea are closer to the US/UK.

I wanted this Post to be about matters I believe most of the readers don’t know about. So...

I’ve left out tax cuts. I’ve written extensively about tax cuts elsewhere as have many smarter than me. . It’s unlikely anyone who believes in Tax Cuts for the Rich will read much or any of this post.

I’ve left out how our post-Regan Oligarchical Economic System allows the suppression of wages and supplier prices while allowing price-fixing inflation. Others have written whole books. Suffice to say it is the lower half of our countriy’s economic strata who have suffered the greatest loss - about a third to a half of their comparative buying power. The same US Mega-Corporations pay Australians or Germans half again as much per hour than they pay their US workers for the exact same job.

I have left out how specifically Cartels can stagnant wages. In the decade 2008 to 2017, wages generally did not increase while we experienced 16% inflation. A few corporations in each economic sector at the top of the supply chain are in a position to fix wages and supplier prices which fix wages and supplier prices down each tier of the supply chain

I’ve left out Inflation. As has the Media for 20 or 30 years while Inflation has made us poorer but the Rich wealthier. The affect of the Banks multiplying the money supply is in economic gibberish “inflationary”. But the effect is not expansive. “Inflation” decreases the buying power of any money. As buying power decreases, the worker must work more hours to pay the same rent, buy the same food, buy the same utilities, buy the same gasoline. And/Or cut out some purchases. An argument can be made that it is the Banks and Corporate Oligarchies that are driving inflation and not the Governments generally. But I’m not up to the task.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

LINKS

Clarity from the Federal Reserve about “business as usual” and “fictitious reserves”: “One cause was the practice of counting checks in the process of collection as part of banks’ cash reserves. These ‘floating’ checks were counted in the reserves of two banks, the one in which the check was deposited and the one on which the check was drawn.2 In reality, however, the cash resided in only one bank. Bankers at the time referred to the reserves composed of float as fictitious reserves. The quantity of fictitious reserves rose throughout the 1920s and peaked just before the financial crisis in 1930. This meant that the banking system as a whole had fewer cash (or real) reserves available in emergencies (Richardson 2007).”

https://www.federalreservehistory.org/essays/banking_panics_1930_31

The COST of the bailout of 2008:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/mikecollins/2015/07/14/the-big-bank-bailout/amp/

Foreclosures after 2008:

http://static.realtytrac.com/images/reportimages/foreclosure_activity_historical.png

#my thoughts #how the rich earn their money

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thewyvernmaiden · 5 years

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I spent literal years knowing i wanted to be a teacher, i wanted to teach kids lit and english and just. Be an educator. But the more i study and read and deal w that stuff the more im just. Aware. I guess. That im going to either be super, super closeted as a teacher, or deal with a lot of homophobia. From students, staff members, students parents. Idk. Who would want their precious babies taught by a lesbian afterall. Like i couldnt. Keep a picture of my wife on my desk, or a picture of our wedding on my computer background.

I think about the two gay teachers i had, a gay man who refused to talk about homo-subtext in any literature, but graded me well on private papers and wrote in the margins about how he saw that, too. I think about the butch woman covered in tattoos who always wore a button up and a tie, and how awesome and inspiring she was, even if i wasnt taught by her, just to see her unapologetic around campus.

Then i think about how a bunch of students made different catfish accounts to catch our teacher flirting with men, then waved them around campus and told everyone. He doesnt even have a facebook anymore. Or how she had so many rumors about her, she ate lunch alone in her classroom instead of the teachers lounge.

I dont. Want that. I dont want to be closeted, or alone. I just want to exist and do what i love, what i want to love, and be happy existing as myself.

#asking for the world

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soobadnoonecanstopher · 6 years

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Pink Heart Days, (an I Give Up Deleted Scene)

Genre: Angst/Smut 18+

Characters: You X Baekhyun

Word Count: 5.6k

A/N: idk i just wrote this today and i died a little.

IGU Deleted Scenes Masterlist

It started with that damn credit card. It was small and plastic and it had your name printed out on it. You hadn’t even been expecting it when it came in the mail, addressed to you in a plain white envelope on a Tuesday afternoon that felt like any other Tuesday afternoon.

You instantly pulled out your cell phone, shot a picture of the card, still attached to the welcome letter with that stretchy strip of glue and sent the image to Baekhyun.

You didn’t even have time to type out a question when your phone buzzed with his reply.

“OH, it came. Good ^^”

“Don't freak out. It’s only for emergencies.”

“And for anything, you might need around the house.”

“Stop buying cheap ramen, baby. Use the card and buy nice healthy stuff, please. I need you to be mine forever and ever.”

“And buy me sausages too.”

You didn't even have a response for him. If you complained about the very thought of using his money he would nag about how nothing was really his or yours anymore. The millions you saw on the screen of your banking app that changed daily, rising and falling as if it had a mind of its own, somehow, even without your having to earn a dime of it, had your name on it beside his.

If you mentioned the idea of paying for something from that other account, the one with only your name, the one that held your earnings from the part time job you still showed up for at the dry cleaners, the one that he tried to convince you to quit so you could focus on your studies, if you mentioned that account he would probably freak out and demand to know why you even still bothered with all of that when he was more than capable of paying for your school fees, or for your lunches when you were out of the house, or for silly little things like those cheap dangly earrings you bought because you thought they were pretty even if they were fake and would make your ears itch if you wore them for longer than a day.

Baekhyun insistently maintained that since you’d gotten married and even updated his family registry to add your name as his legal spouse there was only what belonged to the both of you.

It was a big old thing at the time. After the initial freak out of both your parents and his parents and that enormous storm that must have taken months to blow over, it actually felt like relief to have the huge secret out to the closest people in your life. It certainly made it easier to explain to your parents why you were moving into his place. He was your husband. Didn’t wives live with their husbands after all?

Even if “living with” was about as big a stretch as one could make claim to when the amount of time he was actually home with you was this paltry little number of days marked on the calendar with little pink heart stickers with his very own hand. Pink heart days were scheduled like doctor’s appointments. You always knew ahead of time when he would have a day, or an afternoon, or a night off and you would wait anxiously for the sound of that door code to ring out; with his favorite snacks in the kitchen, the latest new releases on DVD to watch with him and the house in tip-top shape out of some twisted sense of marital obligation that lived somewhere deep inside the recesses of your mind.

It simply was not part of your personality to blindly accept everything he had to give you without at least some bit of effort on your part to somehow earn it. You were trying though. On Friday nights you would splurge on the good take out, the kind that was double the price and all organic, and you even stopped buying the cheap ramen after he threw it all out when he had been feeling particularly naggy.

At least, on pink heart days, you were always sure things like super deluxe toilet paper was well stocked in the bathrooms, the thermostat in the apartment was set to a crisp and perfect temperature, more than appropriate for the season outside, and all of the bills were up to date.

You kept him and his ideals satisfied, and on most days, days on the calendar that didn’t have a little pink heart, you stayed in nights, ate leftovers from dinner with your mom, and covered up with extra blankets to save on the heating bill when it was really cold outside.

You felt like a sneak, sure, but the system worked for you.

That was until one particularly cold evening that was not a pink heart day (this was Wednesday and the next pink heart day was at least two weeks away), and you were curled up on the sofa wrapped inside your favorite down comforter for lounging, sipping a mug of warm tea as you went over the questions and answers for the exam you had just received back from the professor. You got an A on the exam, only missing a single question (a stupidly worded question designed to confuse, you were now convinced), and you were certain the midterm would cover this material. It never hurt to sink this knowledge in deep so you had no problems come exam time.

The microwave dinged and your leftover rice was waiting for you when you heard another sound. Something that was different from the beeping in the kitchen, this was unexpected and unprecedented. It was the door and someone was pushing buttons to open it and here you were, midway to the kitchen, walking entirely encased in your blanket cocoon with the floor below your socks unvacuumed and you were pretty sure there was next to no food in that fridge right now.

“Hello?” It was definitely Baekhyun’s voice echoing down the hallway that led toward the kitchen from the front door and you felt a strange swell of panic inside your chest. It was absolutely, in no twist of fate or trick of the cosmos, definitely not a pink heart day!

“Oh, it’s cold in here.” You heard him say to himself.

“Baby?”

There was a misplaced alarm in his voice. You heard it in the way he called out for you and the quick steps you heard of his bare feet slapping on the marble floor made your voice work instantly.

“Yeah, I’m in the kitchen,” you called back and his bare face appeared in front of your eyes like a dream. His eyes were wide and his chest heaved with the heavy breaths he took. It only lasted a second because he had you in his sights, still cocooned in the big blanket with both hands around the mug of tea you hadn’t yet had a chance to finish.

“Why is it so cold in here? Are you not feeling well? Are you sick? Do you have a fever?” The questions didn't seem to follow a coherent thread of thought but he was now taking in your appearance, the big blanket, the mug of warm tea. Perhaps he thought you were sick and having a temperature control problem.

“What are you doing here? You aren’t scheduled to be home today.” He had already taken the steps to close the distance between the two of you and his hands were rubbing up and down over the blanket over your arms before he dipped his face to look into your eyes for a moment. You let the eye contact he sought out, fall quickly from your own grasp. You felt his warm fingers brush along your cheek before he opened his hand to lay it flat over your skin, cupping your face. He moved the same hand to feel the skin of your forehead and his brows furrowed once and he looked around the place at last.

It was dark. It was cold. You were alone with a single dish of leftover rice from your mom’s house sitting inside the opened microwave oven; since you hadn’t had a chance to make it to the market and grocery delivery services honestly felt like such a waste of money when it was just for you, so you were eating just the rice for dinner and he wasn’t supposed to be home yet. It wasn’t a damn pink heart day.

Baekhyun was a very smart man.

And he knew you quite well.

You saw the shift in his demeanor in an instant as he took in the clues around him and he bit down on his lip while crossing arms over his chest.

When shift reached his eyes and they hardened you knew you were in for a long night.

You expected some line of questioning. Much of the same as from before when things like this got out of hand.

“Is this your dinner?” Was the only question from his lips and he pulled the rice from the microwave, careful not to burn his fingers and let the container toss down onto the granite countertop rather unceremoniously before he was pulling the door of the fridge open quickly to peer inside.

“Why is this so empty? Why are you only having rice? Why are all the lights off? Why is it so fucking cold in this house?”

He whirled around, his eyes wide and his face red and you carefully placed the tea on the counter before you as you reached to clean up the bits of rice that had scattered when he tossed the plastic container. The vibration in your chest made you feel uncomfortable.

The fridge closed with a bang and you could hear something fall out of the door inside and tumble against the inside shelves. It was probably the soy sauce. There wasn’t much else to tumble and the soy sauce liked to fall out if you let the door of your fridge close too carelessly.

“Is this how you live when I’m not here?”

You felt a lump somewhere within your chest with his words. You could hear the disappointment and the accusation in them and perhaps it was that one fucking question you got wrong on your test, or maybe it was the fact that your period was due to start sometime next week and your breasts had been feeling a bit sore and tender when you showered, but you could feel that lump growing harder and more suffocating the longer he stood in your kitchen with his hands at his hips, a colonel standing akimbo, waiting for his private to give a report.

...when He was not here.

He was the love of your life. He was the only one whose mere existence could brighten your foul moods and make you smile when you felt like crying.

Crying was something you rarely did with Baekhyun. You never cried on the pink heart days. You saved that for the rest of the days of the week.

You saved that for the days when he was not here.

Which was nearly all of the time.

“What does it matter if you aren’t even here to see it?” You shoved your shoulders out of the blanket, forgetting it on the floor at your feet and you pushed your body into the space behind his back, where the kitchen counter bruised up against your flank when you shoved past his heavy breathing and toward that fridge to find the bottle of soy sauce with swift hands before it could be forgotten and roll out, shattering on the floor below. What a mess that would be for you to clean up all by yourself. The bits of glass would surely scatter below the small space of opening below the fridge. What if when the robot vacuum that liked to keep you company sometimes whenever you remembered to charge it, dislodged a tiny piece of glass and dropped it somewhere on the floor and then you stepped on it. Do you know how hard it is to remove a piece of glass from your own foot without anyone to help you?

You were right. It was the bottle of soy sauce. You caught it in time and carefully placed it back inside the door and closing the thing slowly and carefully so it would not fall again.

When you turned to face him you were only met with his back.

He had not moved and his hands hung limply by his side, not even enraged enough for tightly clenched fists or trembling shoulders that were wound too tightly.

“It’s—” he whispered, “hard...isn’t it?”

You hadn’t expected this question. It didn't fit his usual questions when you argued about the money you didn’t spend, and its arrival was unwelcome for it brought with it a burst of pressure that pushed the lump in your throat up higher. Every time you tried to breathe now, you could feel it. What was that? Why couldn't you swallow it away?

You scratched at your throat and your hand rubbed over your face lightly, coming back wet.

Great. You were crying now and with the defeated way his shoulders sagged and the sound of his breathing you could tell that he was close to the same.

“Having to ...wait to see you. Making appointments like a business meeting so I can touch you. Not being able to look at you with my own two eyes to make sure you’re eating well or sleeping well.” When he inhaled a breath it sounded as unstable as the soy sauce ready to shatter against the hard marble floor.

“I know it’s not enough,” he said.

The lump was at the back of your tongue and you lifted both hands to cover your face and block out the sight his defeated shoulders sagging like that. His head had hung so low you couldn't even make out the top of his blonde hair anymore. Or was it grey now? His hair changed like the calendar days and sometimes you missed entire shades. You heard from a fansite that his hair was a chestnut brown for a small while recently, yet you saw no evidence with your own two eyes.

With your hands over your eyes, you didn't have to see any of the tremblings you heard in his lungs. You only heard the sound of the gasp of breath. You only heard the shift as he turned and pivoted and you only felt the tremble in his fingertips that brushed lightly over the back of your head.

“Am… I fucking this up?” Your lips trembled against your will and your eyes burned as fresh tears welled up and spilled below your fingers. “God...I love you so much. Am I ruining us?”

You gasped in for air, unable to breathe right through your hands and through the trembling and when you risked a look you could see the pain on his face.

Baekhyun, your Baekhyun. That beautiful human who you loved and who loved you; who promised you everything, but who also promised his company and his group and his fans everything as well, and worked himself to death to deliver on all of the promises, only failing himself in the end when he collapsed into his bed for three hours of sleep on an exhausted body and mind and soul so he could wake up and do it all over again. Baekhyun was crying, the tears flooded his eyes and spilled out over his cheeks and his nose was as pink as those hearts. The eye makeup left on his eyes smudged below his water line and he closed his eyes. Fresh tears fell with the action.

He sank. His hands reached out to you, reaching around your waist and his legs bent at the knees as he sank down onto the kitchen floor at your feet and he wrapped both arms tightly around you, bending at the elbows with the tightness with which he grasped and his face was buried into your belly, surely wiping the tears from his face and onto the soft sweater that kept you warm in this cold apartment.

“I can't take care of you like I want to. I can't do anything but this, and if it’s not enough I don't know what I will do.” He was begging now, on his knees and all and you slipped your fingertips inside his hair, cradling the back of his head against your body. The touch of your hand made him gasp wildly, stealing his oxygen from the tiny spaces between the knit of your fabric; he breathed you in deeply and desperately as his arms constricted tighter around you.

“It has to be enough Baekhyun,” you found your voice easier when you didn’t have to imagine that he was somehow disappointed in you. “We will make it be enough.”

His arms were too tight for you to move at all and you pushed against his shoulder, trying to get him to loosen the grip enough for some movement.

His arm muscles relaxed just enough and you sank down with him. If he was going to be down here begging then so were you. Within the tiny space to move between those arms you took your chance and sat, finding yourself in the right spot to reach for his waist with your own arms and wrap them tightly around, as tightly as he held onto you, you held on to him and when you buried your own face in the crook of his neck you felt the warmth of his skin below your lips. When you breathed in, you smelled him surrounding and filling your senses and when you pursed your lips and kissed the skin of his neck he shifted and pulled against your chin with the tips of his fingers until his lips were on yours and he was kissing you with that same desperation that stole the oxygen from your belly and squeezed strong arms around your frame until your bones ached.

The wetness on his face mingled with your own and his lips tasted of salt. Inside of his mouth tasted like Baekhyun and the way his lips pulled against your own felt like the man you loved.

Behind your back, his arms moved, pulling at the thick blanket you had discarded on the floor and you felt him pull you around, spinning you in place quickly, before he pushed you down to the floor, over the blanket that had been your source of warmth before his unexpected arrival. The warmth of the blanket at your back felt inviting, but the warmth of his body covering over your own was like a fire. The shift was instantaneous and demanded attention at once. It was like this with Baekhyun sometimes. The heightened emotions flooding your body changed into a rough demanding desire and you pulled at the shirt he still wore, seeking out the smoothness of his skin with your fingertips. He was softer lately, gone was the thin skin over firm muscles that covered his bones, he had a soft feeling to his skin that you could sink your fingertips into and you coveted it in a way that made you crazy at times.

While you pulled at his clothing, he pulled roughly at your sweater until you finally sat up enough for it to be pulled over your head and your hips were lifted enough for him to pull your cozy sweatpants down along with your underwear. The back of your mind nagged about razors and sexy underwear that would simply have to be ignored for now because it wasn’t a pink heart day and you had no idea that he would be here, ripping at your clothing like it was on fire as he moved between your parted legs with lightly biting teeth and deep breaths against your center that made your knees tremble as you tried to keep them upright.

There was no ceremony. There was no asking of permission or light kisses that lead up to what he wanted; instead, he pulled hard and fast at your legs, gripping fingers deep into your thighs, he shoved your legs wide and he was gone from your line of sight.

The sensations overwhelmed, and if you foolishly expected anything else from him right now, you were a damn idiot, because you should have known you didn't stand a chance tonight.

You reached for his head at the same time that he reached forward with the tip of his tongue and only the first touch was gentle. When his fingertips sank down hard into the softness of your thighs, your fingertips curled into his hair and gripped tight and there was a guttural sound that emerged from his chest. In response to you pulling his hair, pulling him into you, or merely the culmination of everything else, you couldn't find it in you to care right now.

After the sound, came the words. Peppered in between actions as his lips sucked harder around your clit and his tongue licked up the moisture between your folds, he was speaking to you, in a low voice, hardly loud enough for you to make out the individual syllables.

“God, I’ve missed you.”

“You taste so fucking good.”

“Did you miss me too?”

With the low volume, you half wondered if he was speaking to you, or directly between your legs.

When his fingers joined the onslaught, your mind was far away from formulating any sort of a response to the questions, and his fingertips ran circles inside of your entrance coaxing you into submission as he whispered his requests again.

“That’s right, cum on my face, baby, I need to drink you up,” he sucked and pulled against your clit and it was too late for any refusals from you as your muscles tensed and your walls tightened around his fingers. He did not let up. He did not abate and he pulled from you, again and again, swallowing down all he could until your legs went slack and your gasping lungs ached for fresh air. Anything you could get to fill your lungs would do, you must have been holding your breath as you came.

When your eyes opened you found him perched on his ankles, one hand resting on your knee and the other somewhere near the floor and he was watching you through half-closed eyelids and his lungs roughly pushing air through his heaving chest.

And he was soaked. From his cheeks to his shoulder blades, he shone with the wetness of you. There was something behind his gaze, something other than the mind-blowing orgasm you were still trying to recover from. Something darker than desire.

He moved his hand first. The one that was hanging down between your legs, and slipped wet fingertips up the length of your stomach, slowly passed your navel, he left a trail of wetness over you until he came to rest over your breast. His eyes watched your face as he moved and that darkness remained behind his irises.

“There are a few truths about you that make me lose my mind—” his voice was husky and affected and you knew that if he had gotten the chance to remove his pants during the rapid-fire strip show earlier he might not have as much self-restraint as he was displaying right now.

“You are...really fucking beautiful—” he lowered himself, bringing his face closer to yours as he looked into your face with his words. On the surface, they felt like compliments, like the ones he sang sweetly into your ear night after night on the phone, or texted to you daily when he was too busy for any phone calls, but that darkness in his eyes felt more like frustration now than anything else you could call it. “—I mean, just gorgeous. Do you ever look in the mirror at yourself? Fuck, it makes me so crazy when I can’t touch you like this.�� His hand squeezed around your breast and you closed your eyes when his fingertips pinched against your nipple.

You arched your back into his hand and he relaxed the grip and narrowed his eyes.

“And you are also really ...really fucking stubborn.”

This was maddening. Your fingers reached for the sweatpants he wore where he rested between your parted legs on the floor of your kitchen. There was nothing but a blanket to keep you cushioned and yet your eyes zeroed in on those pants and you saw nothing else.

You wanted him. You wanted him to quit teasing you like this and fuck you already; how long had it been since you’d felt him inside of you? How long had it been since his moans in your ear were not through the phone but in person as he pushed in deep and you could wrap your legs around him so he couldn’t leave you again?

“Baekhyun, take your pants off,” you said and his eyes dropped to watch your hands struggling to push at the waistband of his pants.

“Don't you want to know why I came home to you today?”

While you had been very curious for a moment when you heard the door code, you had to admit the question was lost in the fray. You felt caught suddenly; your hand reaching into his pants went still when he asked the question and you tilted your head in genuine wonder now.

“Because I couldn't breathe,” he said. “We were working...practicing hard for, I don't even know how many hours now and I had a missed call from you on my phone and you sounded...I don't know, you sounded just wrong.”

You recalled the phone call. You had been feeling particularly lonely today and you knew he wouldn’t be able to answer but you called him anyway; leaving a long voicemail message about your day. It was nothing really. You definitely weren’t calling him to make him come home to you today.

“And after that, I kept trying to breathe, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get enough air. I kept feeling like that, and I thought it would go away when I saw you, but you… you’re so fucking stubborn about these things, love. You have to let me take care of you the only way I can.

“It’s killing me that I can’t be here with you every hour of every day of every week. Do you know how much I crave you? How can my heart be settled if you don't even have anything to eat here? If you’re sad...or if you’re lonely, or if you’re angry at me for being away I want you to call me and fucking yell at me about it. Or call me and tell me to get home right this instant to kiss you, I’ll pretend like I broke my fucking leg, I don't care, I’ll make it happen.”

You watched the words flying from his lips. You watched the emotions flitting over his features as he spoke and you relaxed your hands around his pants, feeling rather silly for letting your desire get the better of you. When your hands slipped you felt something stiff in his pocket. Something square—a box of some kind and your curiosity piqued again as you ran your fingertips along the edge of it, over the fabric of his pants.

“What’s that?” Your intent was not to change the subject, more so that you had settled into this little mood with him now and the rush of the sex had faded some, bringing back just a touch of the playfulness you found within your soul for Byun Baekhyun.

“A gift,” he said calmly and he was shifting onto his butt so he could reach into his pocket for the small blue box. “For you. It’s very expensive. I spent a shitload of our money on this.”

You heard the challenge in his voice as he held on to the little box and lifted a single eyebrow. There wasn't a single trace of a smile on his lips as he spoke.

Honestly, this felt like a test. If you refused the gift, of course, he would be hurt. He bought it for you and you frowned your lips for a second as you considered.

Gifts were gifts. He loved you and liked to occasionally buy you things that caught his eye; reminded him of your face, or your lips, or your eyes. You even kept the weird keychain that he swore reminded him of your left pinky toe. Your jewelry box was honestly rather full of these sorts of things by now and while you had an idea that they were real and probably very expensive, he never mentioned the price until this moment.

You reached for it, quickly pulled the lid off and peered inside at the rows of round brilliant diamonds that lined the necklace, leading down to a pink teardrop stone that hung in the center. The box said Tiffany&Co. and you knew he wasn't exaggerating when he said it must have been very expensive. The diamonds in the chain alone had to be worth thousands, and the pink stone in the middle was at least in the double-digit carat size. It was too much. It was always too much from him, but he watched you like a hawk now that you had seen it. Waiting for some sort of a reaction.

“Baek—” you began as word flew through your mind.

This is beautiful, thank you.

This is too much. You should return it.

He was moving; pulling at the packaging inside that held the necklace in place and he held the chain with nimble fingers as he opened the delicate clasp that held it together.

“Wait…” you said, interrupting the man right before he closed it around your neck and he pulled back with his dark eyes on your face, “—what body part does this remind you of?”

At last...at fucking last, you saw the corners of his lips pull open and he flashed a lazy smile at you as his nostrils flared slightly with an inhale of breath.

He moved again, his hands pulling the necklace in place around your neck and leaning in close to close it. With him this close to you again you took advantage and shifted onto his lap, straddling him with your thighs on both sides of his.

It wasn’t lost on you that he didn't answer your question though, and you wiggled your hips back and forth over his lap with a whine. You heard a tiny giggle from his chest and he made a sound of disagreement from his throat.

“Come on, what is it?” You repeated and he dipped his head away from your searching eyes for a moment before he, at last, leaned in to whisper into your ear.

“What did I just suck on to make you cum on my face?”

Baekhyun had a way with surprises and this goddamn necklace that, now that you looked closely at the pink stone around your neck, kinda-sorta did look perhaps a bit like a clit. But hearing him make this sort of comparison sent a flood of blood rushing to your face and filled your chest with honest to god giggles that originated deep inside of you and bubbled forth from your lips.

Of course, he ate up your laughter. Baekhyun was, and always would be, a performer and his blinding smile he sent your way in response was enough to lift the storm clouds that had been following you around all day long.

“I can’t believe you,” you said between the giggles. “You really are a pervert sometimes.”

The wink before the kiss that claimed your laughing lips was a full agreement and he responded like he always did when you called him out.

“You love it,” he said and he was right. You did.

The end.

IGU Deleted Scenes Masterlist

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