#and the day i did try my friend's ipad i got so repulsed by the glass look lol

[ava-rewrite]

Don't ask me what is in that cup, I have no idea either.

Anyway, more drawings on my phone. I'm starting to like it a bunch because of how easy it is and my face as an iPad sceptic is falling relatively pitifully

[scaredofchange]

Home Is Where the Heart Is - Jooheon x Reader

Pairing: Jooheon (Monsta X) x Assistant Manager!Reader

Summary: As a newly hired assistant manager for Monsta X, y/n meets a lot of ups and downs, confronts challenges and faces trials, but never had y/pronoun thought that the biggest one to this day would be Lee Jooheon.

Word count: 4.4k

Warnings: mentions of anxiety; slight swearing.

A/N: If you’re not into a long introduction, then I wouldn’t recommend reading this. ‘Action’ comes later down the story since I wanted to have a strong base to write on. Still, I hope you like it!

 ____________________

           I had been working for Starship Entertainment for the past three months. It was going smoothly as I was getting used to the different ambiance from my last job, which was working for Big Hit Entertainment. Why did I leave, you ask? Well, let’s just say I didn’t enjoy the conditions I was being moulded in as head of the human resources department.

Although I had formed friendships with Namjoon and Jungkook from BTS, as well as Soobin and Taehyun from TXT, I just had to get away from the toxicity in my office. But, all of them were extremely nice and helped me find another job in the business. Never in my life would’ve I thought to have friends like them.

The real surprise was the position they had gotten me: assistant manager for Monsta X. Ideally, I expected a human resources job, since I didn’t see myself supervising a whole group, but Namjoon insisted I was perfect for the role; even with my crippling anxiety.

Surprisingly, things were going well. The band itself had been welcoming and charming from the get-go, well expect from one member; and, my boss, the manager, was a bit less approachable at first, but I was able to show him what I was made of and he eventually warmed up to my presence.

Today, the band and I had a few interviews in front of us and, as I was vividly typing around on my work iPad, hidden in the practice room, I heard the door open on some loud laughs and heavy footsteps. I lifted my head to meet seven men joking around, dressed in mostly sports clothes.

“Good morning,” I let out in a stern voice, knowing very well they should’ve been there fifteen minutes ago.

“Hey, y/n!” squeaked Minhyuk, shocked by my presence.

My eyes set on the leader, Shownu, who simply looked at his feet, embarrassed.

“When I call a meeting, I expect you all to be on time,” I added on a serious note, glaring at them like they were children.

One thing I had learned for the past few months was that men idols were like puppies, you had to repeat the same things over and over again as well as threaten them with the casual “you ain’t going to eat if you don’t do this correctly” from time to time.

“Sorry y/n,” finally added Changkyun, much more indifferent to the situation than the others.

I took a deep sigh and shrugged my shoulders: it wasn’t worth making everyone feel uncomfortable.

“So, I just wanted to brief you on the two evening interviews,” I stated, getting on my feet and brushing the dust off of my pants.

With a common nod, they spread in front of me.

“First one is going to be live, so you know what that means: be on your best behaviour. The other one will be aired in a few weeks, but from what I’ve heard, the host is known to try and make you feel uncomfortable...”

“What does that mean?” Jooheon blurted out, confused.

I lifted my gaze to meet his; he bore it like we hadn’t had an argument a few days earlier and hadn’t spoken since then. I cleared my throat to regain my calm demeanour and broke the eye-contact.

“She’s going to ask you about your dating life,” I cleared the question, “and as usual, you need to refute having any.”

They agreed in silence, exchanging looks between one another. The fact that we needed to hide both Kihyun’s and Shownu’s girlfriends from the world was as tough as it was; we definitely did not need them to talk about romantic relationships on a live broadcast.

I babbled about a few other details like transportation and clothing before I realized that most of the group had completely lost focus and was dangling from one leg to the other.

“All right,” I mumbled more to myself than to them, “I’ll let you get to it, but please, wait for me at the bus this time, okay?”

I.M and Minhyuk giggled like two kids in kindergarten who put a piece of gum on little Wendy’s chair.

“You have to admit it was a good prank, y/n,” the maknae let out with a wide smile.

I shook my head in denial, remembering how they decided to leave without me a few weeks ago, causing a whole lot of trouble for a whole lot of nothing. I was furious and had to grab a last-minute taxi to make it in time to the studio where we were filming a very important talk-show.

“Nah, it was a shitty one,” I blurted back, squinting my eyes at him.

Still, I couldn’t hide the smirk on the corner of my lips, and the band took it as their cue to relax. A part of me did enjoy forming a friendly bond with them; it reminded me of my family. It was warm and nice, but you did also want to rip one another’s heads from time to time.

In a synchronized matter, the group made its way to the center of the room and greeted both its dance crew and choreographer. They looked eager to start practising and I wasn’t one to keep them from doing it.

But, still, I gazed at them for a few minutes; they were all-natural and comfortable like they had always belonged here. They looked cheerful, happy.

“Don’t you have work to do?” nagged Kihyun, as he started to stretch.

He raised an eyebrow and waited for my departure. I grimaced at him and chuckled at the cute smile he threw back at me. But, unfortunately, he was right. After one last look, I turned on my feet and directed myself toward the exit. I knew a boring meeting was waiting for me in the afternoon and every single fibre in my being wanted to go home; but, I decided to take a deep breath instead and clicked on the elevator’s button.

Once I jumped into it, my mind went full-on work mode and I started rummaging about various details. Interviews were a lot more difficult to plan, especially when you order around a bunch of grown-ass adult men who act like two-year-olds.

And it’s with that mindset that I entered my office on the seventh floor, a dark concentred look on my face.

[***]

“Wow, you made it,” said Minhyuk unimpressed, “we almost had to leave without you this time.”

Out-of-breath, I staggered toward the Monsta X crew bus and brushed shoulders with the driver. My meeting had lasted way too long and I barely had the time to rush down to the underground parking.

Even with the few laughs coming from the rest of the group, my mood didn’t get better. I was mad and angry at a colleague who seemed to want to make everything much more difficult; and, I hadn’t had time to grab dinner, which meant I was starving.

“Are you okay?” asked Shownu when I let myself fall on the seat next to him.

We were used to being seatmates. Since he was the leader, I spoke to him the whole way to whichever studio we were going to and informed him on many subjects. He was always calm and he listened to everything I had to say before adding a comment. Shownu was the kind of man you hold on to.

“Bad day,” I whispered, side-eyeing him.

He pouted, visibly upset at my answer. With a slight movement, he squeezed my forearm, trying to reassure me.

“You’re strong, you’ll get through it.”

I smiled at his response and he squeezed even harder.

Just like on a timer, my stomach grumbled even louder than a few minutes before, provoking a side-look from a few of the members. As if on cue, I felt something on my shoulder.

I grabbed the small bag of chips with sweaty hands; Changkyun vaguely waving it over me like it was a natural thing to do.

“Thanks, I.M,” I replied in a faint voice, hoping he knew how much that simple act meant to me.

He murmured a simple ‘you’re welcome’ and got back to his phone. Within a few minutes, we were on the road and the vehicle was silent. It didn’t even take a few seconds before I finished my snack, but I was extremely grateful for it.

After exhaling all the air in my lungs, I let my head slide on the headrest and closed my eyes. I felt my whole being doze off until I was startled by the vibration of my phone. Without thinking about it twice, I opened my eyes and grabbed it: in this business, you often have emergencies and you always have to be alert.

But, in this case, it was a simple text message. I read the name over and over again: Jooheon.

Now, my hesitation to open the message came from the very heated argument we had had a few days prior. Not to mention how I could barely cross his gaze followed suit.

I tried to remember why I was so mad... but the answer didn’t appear as easy as it had back that day.

Long story short: I was convinced he didn’t like me, like... not at all, and therefore I was always distant with him. But, that night, when I had to pick him up from a friend’s place, completely drunk, he started to blame me for, and I quote: “making things difficult”.

It was around 2 am and I was tired of his shit, so I yelled. I told him that he was acting like a child and that I had no idea why he hated me so much. Then, he threw things like: “You’re trying to get into I.M’s pants,” which startled me to the core.

When I dropped him back at the dorms, he slammed the car door and stumbled his way to the main entrance. I had never been so confused in my whole life.

So, to see his name appear on my phone brought a whole new level of anxiety. I was repulsed by the dispute we had; I found it completely useless and out-of-the-blue, and didn’t want to replicate it once again.

Still, my curiosity got me and I slid my finger on the message. The only words that were written were: “Can we talk later?”

I bit my bottom lip, not knowing exactly how I should answer it. A part of me really did want to clear the air, but another one knew that it would probably be the most unpleasant situation ever.

“Of course”

I replied those two words not knowing what was to come, but for a quick moment, I felt good about the outcomes of our future conversation, or perhaps the butterflies in my stomach reflected fear more than hope.

I heard a light ting! from the back of the bus, a simple sign that told me Jooheon had received my message loud and clear.

The rest of the journey went without any troubles, except from my very heavy head who kept falling onto Shownu’s shoulder. Even though I apologized over and over again for my lack of professionalism, the leader kept reassuring me and patting his arm for me to lay on.

Eventually, I gave up the fight and obeyed, letting my whole being evaporate in the world of dreams, hoping for the evening to go well and acutely stressing about getting a one-on-one with Jooheon.

[***]

“How did we do?” inquired Wonho after the second interview, his ears reddened because of a strangely personal question that he had been asked.

I finally was able to let out a big exhale, washing away the weight that had been on my shoulders for the past hours. I am not going to lie: I was suspicious of Monsta X’s capacity to act like real, normal adults.

 “You did exceptionally,” I complimented him with a small smile.

He seemed rather satisfied with the answer and walked straight toward the other guys; half looked absolutely despaired and the other half quite relieved. I joined them and cheered them on their performance. Aside from a few side-looks and basic comments from I.M, it went as smoothly as someone could expect it to go.

“It was close to perfect guys,” I reassured them after noticing their anxious gazes, “and big thanks to Kihyun for saving it a few times, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

The said-man straightened his back and smiled widely. With his small fingers, he pushed back a strand of his pink hair, like the drama queen that he is. I knew it would boost his ego a bit too much, but he did deserve the praise.

After exchanging on a few other points, it was quickly time to leave. Two cars were waiting for the group back outside, ready to bring them back to their dorms. I, on the other, usually had a habit of going back to my Starship office to wrap up the day nicely.

Therefore, having completely forgotten about Jooheon’s previous text message, I hopped in the closest taxi, screaming goodbyes from behind my back.

It was only when I arrived at my messy desk that I realized my mistake. “Shit”, I thought, my mind running to find a solution. With a sigh, I rubbed my eyes, not caring about my makeup anymore, and grabbed my phone.

“I’m sorry; I forgot you wanted to talk.”

I typed quickly and slid my iPhone back in my pocket, knowing I had a lot of paperwork to fill. I kept praying that Jooheon would not take my fast departure from the studio as a sign of unwillingness of talking with him.

Around twenty minutes later, even though I was already focused on my task, I grasped my phone the second it vibrated. I caught myself in a weird smile when I noticed Honey’s name and shook my head in proper denial.

“I went back to my studio, if you still want to talk, I’ll be there,” he wrote.

What was he doing back at the office too? Was he, just like, unable to go back home if his head was filled with thoughts? Thoughts that were not always welcomed?

Without thinking about it twice, I stepped on my feet and left the office straight to the elevators. To my surprise, my heart started to beat faster, like I was both excited and scared, anticipating the conversation.

The thing with Jooheon was my absolute inability to think whenever he was around. At first, I was expecting some resistance from some members of the group, but never from Honey. So, when I had to face an unsatisfied and uninterested main rapper, my brain stopped working and perhaps that didn’t help my case. I remember vividly how the first time he engaged with me, with a stern tone, I started to stutter and mumble, like a child facing an angry mother.

Maybe it was my admiration toward him that kept me from functioning normally, or maybe it was how intimidating he was, contrary to what I believed before I met him.

To be honest, before our very first meeting, I binge-watched a load of YouTube videos, trying to seize their personalities and how I should approach them, both individually and as a band; apparently, they weren’t as instructive as someone would think.

Still, it was part of the job, being clueless. We all learn while making mistakes; that’s how I had gotten where I was and, I was sure, how the rest of my life would be.

With slightly shaky legs, I stepped out of the elevator and directed myself toward Jooheon’s studio. I couldn’t hear a sound coming from it, but then again, it was a soundproof room.

I knocked lightly at first, then a bit more strongly, hoping he hadn’t left already.

Within a few seconds, as my breath started to shorten, Honey opened the door. His dark hair was dishevelled as if he had been running his hands through it the whole night; he had small dark circles under his eyes; the top of his buttoned shirt was undone; and, he was, for some reason, barefoot.

“Wrong timing?” I supposed, my eyes analyzing him from head to toe.

He shook his head in denial and stood aside, letting me some space to enter the room.

As I did so, I noticed how my head was filling up with strange thoughts, such as: “Wow, he looks so good” and “Could he get more attractive?”; thoughts that had never been mine before, which provoked deep foreign warmth in the pit of my stomach.

“What are you working on?” I mumbled, trying to make conversation while Jooheon pulled a second chair for me to sit on.

“Just some new songs,” he replied tiredly.

I nodded and watched his multiple monitors, remembering that one sound mixing class I had had a million years ago.

“Can’t wait to hear them,” I added, genuinely excited about it.

He shyly smirked, his irises looking over at every detail of my face; perhaps was he trying to find indications of my mood. Truth was, I had no idea how I felt about this.

“You wanted to talk?” I initiated the topic with a somewhat trembling voice.

I cleared my throat, in hopes that he hadn’t noticed.

With a quick nod, he shuffled on his seat and locked gaze with mine. I held it like my life was depending on it.

“About the other night,” he started smoothly, “I wanted to apologize for my behaviour.”

Surprised, I raised my eyebrows. I didn’t expect this at all.

“I didn’t mean what I said, I was drunk,” he then stated.

“Didn’t you, though?” I rapidly blurted out, not even thinking about it, “Mean it?”

It was his turn to be taken aback. It was like I had punched him in the gut. He stepped back on his chair, which rolled away slightly, and started to shake his head vehemently.

Before he could add anything else, I took the lead.

“Where I come from, it is said that people, when drunk, say the things they don’t dare to say when sober. So, I’m asking you again: did you mean what you said?”

It was a bit rough on the edges, I admit, but it was direct and that’s all that mattered to me.

He inhaled and let his head fall on his headrest. I could almost see the gears work in his brain as if he was trying to come up with the perfect answer. The thing he didn’t know though was: there wasn’t any.

“It’s not that I didn’t mean it,” he finally started to speak up after a good thirty seconds, “but I didn’t mean the way I told it, you know?”

I acquiesced with a nod, waiting for him to continue. Honey bit his bottom lip like what he was fighting what he was about to say next.

“I just don’t like the way you’re so close with the other members, especially with I.M.”

I raised my eyebrows almost automatically.

“Excuse me?” I gasped, getting on my feet. “Are you still suggesting I’m trying to get, and I quote: into Changkyun’s pants?”

Furious, I crossed my arms on my chest and glared at him. Rapidly, Honey jumped on his feet too and got a bit closer, trying to keep me from leaving.

“Y/n, stop it,” he ordered with a deep voice, “you’re not listening to me.”

I scoffed abruptly, searching for a reply.

“I am listening to you, dumbass. What do you think I’m doing?”

“No, you’re not really listening to what I’m saying.”

“Then be clearer!”

“I don’t know how I can be! You don’t wanna listen!”

Our voices were getting elevated and the room was warming up to both our anger.

“Jooheon, I’m not in your fucking head, so just say what you really want to say. You think that, what, I wanna fuck I.M, is that it? Or all the members while at it? What is your problem?”

“What? That is not at all what I think! I just don’t like the way you’re so... friendly with them!”

He was starting to look incredibly desperate, but I had to get my answers.

“And what does it change that I’m friendly? Can’t I be their friends? It’s not my fault that you’ve been an ass since the beginning and that you don’t want to be my friend!”

“Who said that?”

“You, obviously. Maybe not with words, but you don’t need words to communicate your absolute disdain toward me,” I replied a bit less confidently than before.

Jooheon looked absolutely horrified by those words. With his mouth agape, he searched my eyes for any signs of lies, but there weren’t: I really did think he hated me.

As if taken by a sudden sadness, my eyes started to water. I hated the way I cried when I was angry, but what can you do?

My heart was beating so fast I was afraid it might burst out my chest.

The main rapper stood there, speechless, for what seemed like hours. I swiftly wiped away a tear that was threatening to fall and looked at my feet like a coward.

Where would this conversation take us? What good did it make?

I was filling up my head with useless questions when Honey moved.

I was shocked when he stepped closer and lifted my chin with a trembling finger, locking his eyes with mine. Gently, he placed both his hands on each side of my face and held them there.

I could see how he was gathering the courage to speak, so I gave him the time he needed; I didn’t budge.

But there isn’t one thing that could’ve prepared me for what he said next.

Not one.

With his eyes still searching mine, he opened his mouth:

“I have nothing, and I mean nothing, but pure admiration for you, y/n. I have never felt any disdain toward you, you are basically the definition of perfect,” he breathed out the last word in a murmur.

I was paralyzed, completely frozen in place, but that didn’t stop him from going.

“Can’t you see?” he asked rhetorically, “I don’t like the way you’re so close with other members because I want your attention all to myself. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Every day that I come up here, I hope I can get a smile from you or even a single word. I think about you all the time and it’s driving me crazy.”

I hadn’t noticed the tears streaming down my face until he wiped some with his thumbs.

“You don’t have to say anything, of course,” he tried to take the pressure off of my back, “but you have to know the truth, and the truth is that I like you way more than I should and that I’m jealous of every moment you spend with I.M, or Minhyuk, or Wonho, or every single one of my friends, because I want you all to myself, y/n.”

He was apprehending the worst, I could see it in his eyes, eye-contact that he finally broke out of fear, and in the way he was ready to just let me go, but I didn’t want that, I didn’t want him to let me go. Not now, not ever.

“Jooheon...” I whispered, slowly placing my palm on one of his hands.

His eyes jerked back to me, hope filling his irises.

Words didn’t need to be exchanged anymore, I knew that. They already had been and I was tired of reading between the lines, of not knowing where to stand, so I took upon me to make things clear.

My head was empty when I crashed my lips onto his; I wasn’t thinking about anything. The only part of my body that was experiencing something was my heart. Whether it was by its multiplied beatings or its desire to feel Jooheon: I didn’t know, but I sure as hell knew I was alive.

Instead of being surprised or pulling back as I had expected, Honey welcomed me with strength and passion. The kiss began delicately, like the flappings of a butterfly’s wings, but it deepened rapidly, descending into a powerful hurricane, sweeping everything that dared be on its way.

His tongue eventually found mine in a synchronized matter. As I grabbed his neck with both my arms, he let his hands slide on my waist, pulling me against him.

I was taken by the sudden urge of giving him my all; my absolute everything. I closed what was left of the gap between us and slid my hand over the back of his neck, passing my fingers through his hair.

The kiss deepened even more which I didn’t think possible. The mix of the taste of my tears and the heat of the room made it all so delicious.

But, unfortunately, we are humans and we need air, so at a certain moment, maybe minutes after we let ourselves go, we had to pull back, but only slightly.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this moment,” Jooheon murmured, his face still centimetres away from mine.

“Of course I do, I waited as long, didn’t I?” I smiled.

He titled his head to one side and admired me in a way no one had ever done. I bit my bottom lip, the taste of Jooheon still lingering on it.

“You’re so beautiful,” he finally let out, a smirk creeping on his lips.

His dimples showed, causing another wave of warmth to climb up my spine. It was definitely one of my favourite physical features on him.

“Thank you, you’re not too bad looking yourself,” I teased while raising an eyebrow.

He openly laughed and pulled me closer once again. That time, when his lips found mine, it didn’t feel strange, foreign.. no. It felt intimate, familiar, dare I say ‘perfect’. Like my arms had always belonged around his neck; like his hands were perfectly meant for my waist. Everything was falling into place, like a puzzle that had long been waiting to be completed.

What it meant for our future, I had no idea. But, one thing was sure: whether this was the start of something new or not, I knew, for certain, that I was at the right place.

Because, wherever Jooheon was, I belonged.

He was my heart, he was my home.  

[dreamingabouttaron]

The Assistant Part 26

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon at the house. Taron had been lounging in the living room all day listening to Elton John music on repeat as he typing away on his laptop, whilst you had been busy tidying the house. You sat on the sofa with a sigh, you closed your eyes and enjoyed a moment of peace. Taron shut his laptop down, leant over and kissed your cheek before he got up and entered the kitchen to make himself a snack. You suddenly remembered an email that you needed to reply too. You couldn’t find your phone. Your eyes scanned the room quickly, you spotted Taron’s iPad. You yelled over the music, asking to use his iPad. He just nodded his head whilst dancing around in the kitchen. You entered his pin and logged into your email. Once you finished you signed out and clicked off the app. You noticed the number of different notifications Taron had on his apps. You were the type of person that got frustrated when your apps weren’t clear of notifications. You didn’t understand how he could be so lax about it.

You shook your head and clicked onto his instagram, you knew he had thousands of followers and message requests, so you knew he wouldn’t mind you if you just cleared the app of notifications. However, once you were on the app you noticed something that caught your attention. You couldn’t stop yourself from noticing how many messages he had from girls sending him inappropriate messages and images. You felt your heart race. You felt angry. Jealous. You knew you couldn’t stop the messages but you didn’t know if he had actually looked at them before. It seemed to hurt even more knowing that you were still a secret.

You found yourself getting stuck in a dark hole of scrolling through. Suddenly, you stopped. Your eyes grew when you stumbled across a recent conversation between Taron and another girl. They seemed to be very friendly. They talked about when they were next going to see each other and reminisced on the last time they had been together. Your heart was beating loudly in your chest. You couldn’t stop reading and taking it all in. You saw Taron out of the corner of your eye coming back into the room. You quickly clicked out of the app and placed the iPad back down on the coffee table in front of you. Taron sat on the sofa next to you and cuddled in. You felt rage race through your body at his touch. You growled in frustration under your breath and leapt off the sofa.

“I’m going for a walk.” You announced and then ran upstairs to find your phone before running back down to put some shoes on.

“Megs, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Taron asked as he came over to the front door.

“I’m fine.” You said bluntly before opening the door and closing it slightly too loudly behind you.

You needed to get out. You needed to breath. You needed to process what you had just seen. As you started to walk along the road you couldn’t stop the fuzzy feeling you had in your chest. You retrieved your phone out of your pocket and dialled your best friends number. You walked and talked, explaining everything that you had seen. You didn’t know how long you were gone for but by the time you arrived back home it had turned dark. You put your keys in the door and opened up. Taron came running over to you. He looked angry and concerned, yet relieved that you were home.

“Megan! I was worried sick! Where were you?” He asked as he placed his hands on your upper arms. His hands were warm, a contrast to your freezing touch.

“I had to get some air.” You said looking into his eyes. You didn’t know how you felt about him. Slightly repulsed perhaps. You pulled yourself away from his touch and walked into the kitchen. You opened the fridge and pulled out the ingredients for dinner.

“Are we going to talk about what just happened, or…?” Taron said as he followed you into the kitchen.

“How about you tell me who you’ve been seeing behind my back?” You snapped.

“What?!” Taron snapped back.

“You cheated on Emily, so why would I think I would be any different?” You couldn’t hold back your feelings any longer.

“What the fuck are you talking about Megan?!” Taron was frozen to the spot. You could see rage written across his face.

“I saw all those messages you’ve been sending to some girl called ‘Katie’. Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not going to let you treat me the same way you treated Emily!” You started to violently cut the vegetables that were sat in front of you. You took your anger out of them instead of Taron.

Taron ran his hands through his hair and laughed at the situation which only made you feel angrier. “Katie Evans? My cousin Katie?” He walked over to you slowly testing the water. “Megan, I wouldn’t cheat on you. I told you that I wasn’t perfect for Emily but I would never treat you that way. I love you. More than anything in the world. You are my everything and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Megan please. I promise you, it’s not what you think.”

You held your breath as you listened to his pleas. You placed the kitchen knife down and broke down in tears. You couldn’t stop the violent tears from taking your breath away. Taron came over and pulled you into a hug. He rubbed your back soothing you. “I’m sorry.” You whispered. You felt embarrassed for jumping to conclusions.

“It’s okay.” He said as he rocked you from side to side. “I love you so much Megan. You mean so much to me.”

You spent the rest of the evening together, you allowed yourself to vent what was going on inside your head and Taron did the same. You knew deep down you were stressed about the next few months. You had allowed your anxiety to take control of your thoughts. You were going to be flying out to America with a client for a few weeks whilst Taron started filming Rocketman. You didn’t know how you were going to survive without seeing Taron every day.

***

A week had now passed; and that evening you and Taron had planned for a some friends to come over to show them the new house before you left for America. You were currently making dinner for 15 people. Half of Taron’s friends and half of yours. However, it was mostly you doing all the work. You’d been in the kitchen making dinner and getting the house in order for the guests all day. Taron had mostly just done his own thing which was pretty much nothing, while telling you how to do things. You rolled your eyes whenever he looked away. It was almost time for your guests to arrive as you walked downstairs from getting dressed. You walked into the kitchen to find Taron making himself a snack.

“What are you doing?” You asked impatiently from the doorway.

“Uhh… getting something to eat? I’m hungry.” He said nonchalantly.

“Well, there will be plenty to eat in less than 15 minutes seeing as people are coming over anytime now….” You tapped your foot on the floor. “Could you please just go and get ready?” You rubbed your forehead feeling frustrated and not wanting a fight. Taron shoved the last bit of food in his mouth and left the kitchen.

You sighed as you cleared up after him. Not even 5 minutes later, you heard a car pulling into the driveway. You immediately felt your spirits being lifted and felt the stress leave your body. People started arriving and it wasn’t long before you had a full house.

You were in the middle of taking out the rack of lamb you’d made for the evening when Taron came in the kitchen. You’d decided that you wanted to do it plate by plate and then put out the rest after the first round so people could fetch for themselves. You felt like you were on come dine with me and it was kind of fun, or at least it was until Taron opened his mouth.

“Uh, what are you doing?” He asked as he scanned the plates all lined up on the counter.

“I’m almost done. If you could tell people to be seated and then help me bring out the food.” You stated as you continued to dish the food up onto the plates.

“Why are you making it harder for yourself? Isn’t it easier just to put it all in some bowls and let everyone do it themselves?”

“T, please just get the plates to the table.” You snapped as you finished dishing all the food up.

Taron lazily took two plates, let out an exasperated sigh and left the kitchen. You took five deep breaths before you took the rest of the plates out. The rest of the evening was nice, it was wonderful to see your and Taron’s friends mix and mingle together. It was the first time you felt like a proper grown up.

***

A few weeks passed and things had been a bit tense between you and Taron ever since the dinner. There had been a lot more fighting between you. This was probably just a phase between the two of you. It would pass. It should. Couples fighting and making up happens all the time. Right? You hoped there would be some change in the air soon.

You were currently in America with a client whilst Taron was incredibly busy filming Rocketman. It was hard trying to find a time when you could actually speak to each other, due to the time difference. It was amazing how quickly you could become used to a new routine, but you missed his conversations so much. Whilst you enjoyed knowing that Taron was working on something that he felt so passionate about, you still found yourself missing him. That may have been a bit selfish, but you were a woman and women have needs. Needs that Taron normally would be more than happy to fulfil. You miss lounging around with him and being lazy together, things like that. You endured the short talks and enjoyed every moment of them, but you lived for the nights you were both off so you could enjoy all night FaceTime sessions together.

However, not all conversations were light and breezy. You got to know his moods well, you were able to read him now almost as easily as he could read you.  He was clearly in a funny mood one night and you called him out on it.

“Spill it, Egerton.  What’s going on behind those pretty eyes of yours?”

“Nothin’, I’m…”

“Aah!” you said, cutting him off quickly. “If you say you’re fine, then I’m out of here. Talk to me. I can tell your mind is somewhere else.” You were in your hotel room sitting in bed, leaning on a pile of pillows, your tablet a soft glow in front of you. It was strange how intimate it could feel, even though you were a thousand miles apart.

He took in a deep breath before speaking. “I just can’t wait for you to be home. I want to see you so bad. It’s only been a few weeks, and already I need a break from this.” You said nothing, knowing he just needed to share, not hear solutions. “Don’t get me wrong, this job, this is amazing. I’m going to miss these people so much, but for now,” he looked around his room trying to find the words, “For now all I can see is the hard part. The next few months or so of filming, then the reshoots, press tours, junkets, premieres, interviews. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I have 2 to 3 different projects already lined up for next year. It’ll probably be awhile before I just get to take a few months off again. I’m grateful for the work, but…” He didn’t finish the sentence, just slowly shook his head.

You saw his shoulders slump down and you wished you could be there to rub them for him, and assure him that he would be okay. Instead, you just let your head fall down onto the pile of pillows you were leaning on, looking at him sideways. You could empathise with him, if not fully sympathise. He was part of your life now. These commitments would mean more time apart. You wondered, not for the first time, how you were going to handle being apart so often as time went on. You pushed the thought out of your head for now, instead just focusing on being here for him in this moment. When he looked at you again, he was met with the eyes of a woman who cared deeply for him, who was looking at him with a soft smile on her closed lips, and understanding in her eyes. No words were needed, your exchange was done silently, his shoulders relaxed, his emotions calmed.  

“I can’t wait to hold you again.”

“Just 9 more days.” You said trying to bring some light back into the conversation. You couldn’t wait to be back home with him. It was right, distance sure did make the heart grow fonder.

***

The next evening some of the cast and crew invited you to join them for dinner, you readily agreed. Due to time different you knew Taron was supposed to be shooting from mid afternoon until well after midnight, so there was no reason to worry about rushing back to the hotel.

You had a blast with your co-workers. After dinner, you all decided to head to the bar just down the road and continue your good time. It was just the release you needed. You were so thankful to have these people around you.

Around 10:30, you left and pulled your phone out of your bag for the first time since leaving set. You suddenly found that you had missed several texts and calls from Taron. You saw your battery was running low and decided it was best to get back to the hotel before you gave him a ring incase your phone died. As you got into your room you instantly plugged your phone in and called Taron back. When he finally answered you could tell by the tone of his voice that he was not happy. In fact, it was downright snappy.  

“Why didn't you answer me? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours,” he said in a serious tone.

Taken aback by his tone, you responded a bit defensively, “Because I didn’t hear my phone! I was out with friends and it was loud. And ‘someone’ was supposed to be busy until after 1 am!”

“Yeah, well the schedule changed.” He replied.

“Great. How was I supposed to know that?”

“By answering your phone,” he replied sarcastically.

You clenched your jaw, beginning to get annoyed. “I kept my phone in my bag. I didn’t realise I was expecting a call from someone who was supposed to be busy.”

“And just where were you all night?” You could tell he was getting impatient with you.

“All night?! For Christ’s sake. I was out to dinner with some friends from set. Is that a problem?”

“Dinner? For over 3 hours?”

“Yes. Dinner. Why?” You sat down on the bed feeling defeated.

“Who was there?”

“I already told you, friends from work.” You couldn’t believe the way he was testing you. You felt your blood begin to boil again. You knew he was stressed about work but you were not his punching bag.

“Like who? Guys?”

“Friends. From. Work.  A couple were girls, a couple were guys. 6 of us went. What the hell is your problem right now?” This line of questioning was so out of the ordinary for him, you wondered what the hell had suddenly crawled up his ass.

“I don’t have a problem. I just didn't know you were going out.” You rolled your eyes at his words, it was very clear that he did have a problem.

“I'm sorry, I didn't realise I had to clear it with you. Especially if you weren't going to be affected by it.”

“You don’t.” He forced out a breath. “Listen, I’m sorry. When you didn't answer me for so long I got worried, and then I got pissed off. Who were these guys you went with?”

“They’re just some people from set that invited me out. You know, if your cast asked you to dinner, I’d expect you to go and have a great time. What’s the hell’s your deal right now?”

“Nothing, I’m just...I didn’t expect you to be out with guys at a bar, that’s all.”

This line of questioning was getting you aggravated, and a little angry. “You don’t trust me or something?”

“No, no, that’s not it. Not at all. Of course I trust you.”

“Then what is it? I never question you about what you’re doing. You say you’re working late, and I believe you.”

With his voice rising, he responded, “Whoa, just wait a minute! That is what I’m doing! What reason would I have for lying to you?” You couldn't form any other words right now, as tears were beginning to prick your eyes.

You heard him blow out a breath. He spoke quietly, “Megan, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted this way. Things have been really stressful at work and I just wanted to hear your voice.” It hit you how vulnerable he sounded.  For some reason you just never thought someone like him could be insecure, but it was human nature after all.

“Listen, I just got back to my room. Why don’t we take a little break here. I’ll go freshen up, and call you back in 15 minutes?”

“Okay. I’ll be here. And, I’m sorry for being an ass. It's just when I saw you, um, when I saw that you weren't answering for so long, I kinda freaked. I had no right to. Please don't be mad?”

“It's okay, I get it. This long distance thing isn't easy. I really can't wait to see you next weekend.” It was true, you had been so excited to see him. Things had been tough between you but you just wanted your Taron back. The Taron you first met.

“Me too. See you in a few.” You hung up with him and let everything slowly sink in.

After having a quick shower you put on your pjs and climbed into bed before calling him. His words kept playing in your mind, and you allowed yourself to consider the possibilities for the next weekend. When he popped up on Facetime, all of those possibilities, and looking at Taron’s impossibly perfect face on the screen, made you feel a bit flushed. About an hour into the call, when things were back to normal and on a much lighter note. Long distance was definitely putting stress on your relationship. Stress that neither of you wanted or needed.

Tag List - 

@primaba11erina @hitmeonmytspot @fuseburner @autumnslovex @tiffleen @huathmoon94 @y0ungandfuckingdumb

Thank you one and all! We are coming to an end! I’m really going to miss this story! As I said previously, any comments and feedback would be appreciated :)

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Hard to be a Stark

I’ve learned that some of these are going to be mini series things within the overall world. I’m thinking Steve’s will have one more part. I have songs for Loki, and Bucky around the corner so keep a look out for those! And the sequels to Sam’s and Steve’s. :)

Also shout out to my beta, @songforherma. They are awesome and handle my crazy very well. XD

Summary: Various Avenger x Reader one-shots with songs from musicals. In this one — Tony Stark has been doing the Ironman for a while now. Kissing babies, shaking hands, still flirting all the live long day, but it’s getting harder and harder to put up the facade. So what happens when his new assistant, you, see him having a drunken heart to heart? Song is “Hard to be the Bard” from Something Rotten! 

Honestly - this one is a bit more platonic. If I write a sequel, the romance stuff will show up there.

Warnings: Angst, Drunk Tony, bit of fluff, confessions, cussing, reference to violence

Word Count: 3477 words

Please don’t post my writing anywhere else without my permission. :)

Stark. The name in itself held…

Power.

Money.

Authority.

Respect.

But with all those things came…

Assumptions.

Expectations.

Anxiety.

Mockery.

Hostility.

Ignorance.

And understandable sorts of coping mechanisms.

Then came the day he declared himself the Ironman - a superhero meant to protect civilians when no one else could. Gone were the weapons of probable mass destruction his company had become so well known for. Now they were replaced by one. A suit of armor in the hands of one man who could only do his best to protect his country. He wanted to believe he was doing the right thing, taking the suit, doing something with it that helped create peace.

Then New York happened. The Avengers.

Everything shifted. Assumptions and expectations skyrocketed. Anxiety twisted its gnarly claws around his heart, opening the door and introducing a new friend — Post-traumatic stress disorder. He could act like it wasn’t there and that it didn’t exist, but then came the outside opinions. It was easier to ignore them when he was just a Stark. He could put up a facade, act like it didn’t bother him because no one knew what was going on underneath.

You’re not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.

Steve had cut him deep with that one. Mister Cap-sicle over here acting as he knew him. So what did he do?

I think I would just cut the wire. 

Of course, after Tony risked his life with that stupid nuke, Steve realized he wasn’t as correct in his assumptions as he first thought. Tony snorted, taking a swig of Scotch before setting it on the counter. “You know what they say,” he spoke to himself. “Just makes an ass of you and me.”

But he couldn’t hold it against the old man after all Steve was dealing with a  level of ignorance that came from being under the ice. His defense mechanism was mockery and hostility. Sitting in a chair, Tony stared stoically at the ironsuits across the room. They all looked like tin cans really, something made as a means for survival and turned into something greater. Leaning back in his chair, he crossed his arms. There was always some new hostile just around the corner. That didn’t go away with the suits. If anything, he and the Avengers were greeted by more of them every day which included all of the superhuman threats that the world suddenly kept on facing.

And that was where the coping mechanisms took a turn from understandable to downright unhealthy. Pepper had told him that, commented on it and voiced her concerns like Pepper always does. She needed to work on her timing. That night he’d been black-out drunk and didn’t remember anything. JARVIS had to show him the footage the next day. Guilt wracked his body because he didn’t remember. He didn’t remember screaming at her or throwing the bottle. He didn’t remember telling her to get the fuck out or the fact that he fired her. No, he didn’t remember. And when he watched the video, watched his drunken self shoot a repulser blast to shatter the glass next to her? It was like he felt his heart shatter with it because he knew he didn’t remember that. He knew if he had been any soberer he wouldn’t have done it. He would’ve called Rhodey or Happy to get her out of there before he did something stupid.

However, that was a couple of months ago and now he had a new assistant. Some girl named Y/F/N Y/L/N. She was good at her job and Pepper made sure to find someone that could handle his narcissism and ridiculous schedule, somehow someone of that nature managed to fit the bill. Still - she wasn’t Pepper. He appreciated that she acknowledged that. She never tried to be anything other than herself and it quickly earned his respect.

Ding!

Tony shifted his gaze to the computer when the email popped up. Y/N had sent him his schedule for tomorrow. Brushing it with his pinky, he watched as it popped out of the tiny screen and presented itself as a hologram before him. He couldn’t hide the annoyed huff that escaped his lungs even if he wanted to. “My days are too busy for this,” he muttered, knowing everything was back to back with barely a moment to breathe. It wasn’t Y/N’s fault. She was trying to catch him up on the reality outside. “It’s making me dizzy, there’s so much I gotta do.” Standing up, he walked closer to the schedule and his face scrunched in distaste. “JARVIS, there’s lunches and meetings and poetry readings and great, more interviews.”

“Sir, it’s about learning to combine your roles as a Stark and Avenger in a more efficient manner.”

Tony grimaced. “Traitor,” he told the AI before seeing the photoshoot he had to get up far too early for. If he even went to bed for that matter. “Gotta pose for some photos and how I deplore sitting there for eternity. Then it’s off to the bar where my bartender friend wants to name another drink after me?”

“Would you like for me to call Y/N, sir?”

At this point, Tony had stopped listening to the AI. No, his mind was far too focused on this schedule. “Then it’s back to my room, where I resume my attempt to fix this shit.” At least she knew to give him time in the shop so he could work on the suits.

“Just you and your beer?”

Of course, JARVIS would have a witty retort for that. He always did. Sitting on the edge of his desk, he felt a cold wash over him as he admitted, “And the terrible fear that I might be losing it.” Staring at the bright hologram, the grim reminders, he shook his head and swiped it away. He could think about that later. I mean, it’s not that important.

—

Hiss…

The sound was what woke him from his uncomfortable slumber. He stretched, his spine and shoulders cracking from the effort before he realized he’d fallen asleep with an iron arm in his lap. No wonder his legs were tingly. A lack of blood flow did that. Shaking his head in a futile attempt to rouse himself further, his bleary eyes and yawn signaled that he wasn’t quite there yet. His gaze ran along the lab floor, making sure he hadn’t left a random weapon lying around and it was there his gaze found your little black heels on the floor, tapping patiently. Or was it impatiently? Eh, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Instead, he stood and set the arm on the counter, sending one of his infamous “Stark smiles” your way.

It was met with the most patient look he had ever seen.

You weren’t irritated?

Tony wholeheartedly meant that today’s events weren’t important. However, that was when we initially thought it. Seeing your face? Seeing the way your brow furrowed not in annoyance, but concern? Yeah, maybe he should’ve put a little more effort into going to sleep.

“Coffee?”

His gaze shifted to the steaming cup that was outstretched in your hand. He took it, mumbling a barely coherent ‘thanks’ before taking in your appearance. Pepper always wore skirts. You wore pants. She always wore blouses. You were what looked to be a simple tank top or t-shirt underneath a blazer. It reminded him of his look. Maybe Pep warned you that the skirts and fancy clothes wouldn’t survive around an Avenger?

“Did Jarvis let you down here?”

“Nope.”

Now he was confused. “Then how —“

“Ms. Potts thought it’d be beneficial to your habits if you had someone capable of hacking.”

“Wait,” Tony gaped, eyeing you with more interest than a curiosity now. “You-You're a —“ You smile and it knocks the wind out of him. Grumbling to himself, he takes a sip of coffee. Tony didn’t really like being bested. “I want to say I’m impressed, but also that means you hacked into advanced tech when you could have knocked.”

“Would you have opened the door?”

“She has a point, sir.”

Tony looked up at the ceiling, raising an eyebrow. “You don’t get an opinion.” He knew they were both right, but did that mean he had to admit it? Really? Pinching the bridge of his nose, Tony walked back to the bottle that had been carelessly left behind on the table. He poured some of it into his coffee before drinking most of the hot, bitter, and now strong liquid. “Seriously, you’re a hacker?”

“Just for fun.” You shrugged and he snickered. You reminded him of when he first got into tech and making new things. It was just for fun then. His gaze shifted to the lab and he knew that wasn’t the case anymore. Meanwhile, you had turned to the iPad tucked into your arm, scrolling through it. “So first on the agenda —“

“Nothing.” You looked up, the puzzled expression enough to make him feel satisfied. He missed being able to stoop an assistant, confuse them and leave them floundering. If that was how it was going to be, he was sure you wouldn’t last long.

Recovering from your confusion, you tucked your hair behind your ear and shook your head. “No, Mr. Stark, there won’t be any cancellations today. You need to get back into the world. Everyone wants to hear from —“

“I don’t care what everyone wants. I’m Tony fuckin’ Stark. When have I ever cared about what other people want?”

“When your mother asked you to say goodbye to her and your father for a holiday, but you didn’t.” There was a brief moment of silence as the matter-of-fact tone shifted to a much softer one and you added, “They passed away that weekend in a car accident.”

Tony froze, his back to you. He would’ve expected some assumption that he cared when he cut off weapons production for Stark Industries. He would’ve expected some ignorant comment that he cared when he took that nuke into space. Apparently, between the two of you, he had been the one to slip up. He’d been the one to assume. Trying to recover, a wry smile curved his lips as he asked, “Figure that out in your time hacking my software?”

“No, sir. Happy told me. After…After the incident with Ms. Potts, he felt that I needed a little preparation as to the job I was being hired for.”

Happy. Yeah, Tony would remember to talk with the man at a later time. Turning to face you, he downed the rest of his coffee before dropping it in the bin next to his desk. “You know, it’s hard. It’s really hard.”

Confusion. Again. “I don’t understand.”

He grinned and gestured to everything, a perfected swagger in his step as he told you, “I make it look easy, but honey, believe me. It’s hard.”

“Yes, I gathered that from the hangover and the crutch you’ve developed for alcohol in the morning.”

Ah, you had bit more bite than he expected. Looping an arm around your shoulder, he was surprised that you refused to tense under his touch. They did prepare you for the mess that was Tony Stark. Waving his hand, holograms of videos on youtube, news articles, and various photographs appeared to surround you two. You took it all in, more curious than confused now that you started piecing together what he was getting at. “It’s so incredibly hard, so inconceivably, unbelievably hard.”

He was whining, throwing a tantrum because he wanted his way. You both knew it, but he didn’t know the assistant he had. “It’s hard to be a Stark?” you asked, a hint of sympathy in your voice as you stepped out from under his touch. Your eyes studied everything. These weren’t just something randomly picked. He had these saved. He studied everything that was said about him and, judging by the negative articles, he believed more of the bad than the good.

“Honestly? I don’t know how I do it.” You looked at him, but he no longer studied you. Instead, he was staring at the images just above. His voice was soft as he admitted, “There’s only so much of me to go around.” Seeing him like this, open and vulnerable, you weren’t sure what to expect. Perhaps it was the booze that made him act like this? No, you’d seen the footage. Pepper was completely open about Tony’s faults and wanted you to be prepared. On booze, he was angry. He wasn’t vulnerable, but far from it. But as soon as you blinked, just once, just a brief moment, that vulnerability was gone. It was replaced by that Stark smile that graced all the tabloids and interviews. “I’ve got so many fans with so many demands.” He looked at you, smirking. “I can hardly go take a piss.”

“Can’t even pee? I can schedule a bathroom break if you’d like.”

Tony snorted. Alright, he knew he was going to like you. “Be it a hero-freak or another autograph seeker, they all want a piece of this.”

“It happens when one is in the spotlight as much as you are,” you told him honestly. Walking to the desk, you took a seat and looked over the schedule, deleting a couple of things here and there. He spun around, distracted and looking at everything. Tony was doing everything he could to look like he was okay, but just watching him showed you that he was fragile. Instead of a whole man, he’d had pieces of himself chipped away over the years and it seemed his kidnapping had taken out a huge piece. Now he was struggling to glue together what was left.

“It’s a cross that I bear,” he agreed. “I’m like Jesus, I swear!” You rolled your eyes and he pointed at you, reminding you that, “It’s a burden, but I suffer through it.”

“He is suffering,” came JARVIS’s voice, a somehow mocking tone preprogrammed into the AI.

It made you laugh, but the sound died on your lips when Tony sat on the edge of the desk, his leg bumping your knee. “It’s all part of the game, the trappings of fame, but somebody’s gotta do it.” You looked up from your schedule, tucking it into your chest as you eyed him cautiously. He seemed to be tipping on an edge of sorts. Wasn’t this the sort of thing someone discussed with a therapist? Not their newest assistant? “And I know,” he mumbled, shifting his gaze from the floor to you. He leaned forward, nodding to himself as if he were trying to convince his brain. “I know I gotta go and get back to the fans and fame.”

“Yeah, you do.”

He rubbed his temples, huffing as he pleaded, “Don’t make me do it. Don’t make me go through it.”

“Mr. Stark —“

“Oh, I need to get me a drink.” He rose, moving faster than you could have anticipated. Colliding with the chair, he sent you rolling a few feet as he grabbed the bottle he’d been nursing. Taking a few good swigs of the burning liquid, he exhaled slowly. “It’s hard.”

“You’ve said that a few times, Mr. Stark.”

“Well, it’s true!” His shout made you jump though he didn’t seem to notice. No, he was long gone in his drunken stupor. Part of you was starting to wonder if he was even sober when he first woke. Sitting on the floor, he stretched his legs out and rest his head against the desk. He looked spent. “I know being a Stark made me famous,” he whispered. “But being famous is just so not fun.” Waving his hand again, the images of Ironman vanished. Instead, it was replaced by trashy tabloids and photos of himself and news articles with various women, at random parties, creating an image that he’d forced himself to maintain. The hologram divided you two, creating a wall it felt you had to break through if you had any hope of surviving this job. Picking up the bottle, he pointed to one of the older photos before taking another swig. “What people just don’t understand is that fame is demanding. It’s mentally challenging and it’s a bore, jeez, it’s such a chore.”

“To sit in a room full of people?”

To prove yourself to a room full of people

He shifted his gaze, meeting your eyes. There was a fog over the welcoming brown of his irises. Tony was drunk. Truthfully, he admitted, “I hate it.” He exhaled, his shoulders slumping. Would he continue? You weren’t sure.

“You know, you’re trying to find some short line or an innovative idea and you’re pacing the floor and hoping for…Hell, maybe just a bit of divine intervention?”

“Is that what happened with the suit?” You were curious, your tech-savvy brain aching to understand how he created something so brilliant. You were a hacker, sure, but that was nothing like being an inventor.

Upon mentioning the suit, he offered the faintest of smiles. It seemed it might be one of the better topics for him to discuss. “That was the one little nugget. That one little spark. I was ready to die and then eureka, I found it and I was ready to start.”

Silence fell between you two and you allowed yourself to smile, to feel at ease. If he remembered this, it might help him adjust to working with you. There’d be a level of trust. If not, then you could work with the information you’ve learned and slowly gain some level of traction with him. Everything took time and patience and the man sitting across from you was no different.

Not even close.

“It’s hard,” you finally agreed, earning his concentration once more.

“Wouldn’t it be hard to do something as good as the last thing you did?”

“It was already great.”

Tony shook his head and you felt like you took two steps back. He didn’t see it that way. He didn’t see himself or any of his accomplishments that way. “It’s totally hard. I’ve got fortune and fame. Everyone knows my name.”

“Can’t help it.”

“But it’s still freakin’ hard.”

You watched him carefully. He was so fragile at the moment, unlike you’d ever seen. You never would have thought of an Avenger as frail. That was your mistake. That was everyone’s mistake. The world had come to put these guys on pedestals with no concern for the fact that they were still human and broken. They all had scars and emotions to process so that they could form some semblance of a less than shattered individual. It hurt having to see it first hand, but you knew that if you hadn’t, you’d never believe it.

“You’ve taught me a lot, Mr. Stark,” you whispered, looking down at the tablet and clearing the schedule. There was always tomorrow, but today… You looked back at him. Today wasn’t the day. “I’ve cleared your schedule and will leave you to the rest of your day.” The surprise on his face made you smile. You had been a couple of steps ahead of the genius. “On two conditions.”

“Name them.”

“One, no more alcohol. Spend the day tinkering on something.” You shrugged as you stood up, waving one hand through the air to clear away the mess of history between you two. “Maybe create something new or go for a drive — something you want to do. And two, get some sleep tonight. I’ll be back tomorrow morning and we’ll try again.”

His eyes studied you as if trying to find the sneaky detail you were hiding from him. All his friends did that. Instead of being upfront, they hid a detail that would later be used to help him in some sort of way. That wasn’t the case with you. No, you were nothing but honest. No secrets. No ploys. “No alcohol and get some sleep.” Tony chuckled, holding up the bottle to you before dropping it in the bin to his right. “You got a deal.”

Progress. That was what you felt when you saw him willingly take you up on your offer. There was hope for a structured, professional relationship. “Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Stark.”

Turning on your heel, you made your way to the door to give the man some peace and quiet.

“Tony.”

You paused, looking at him over your shoulder. “Sir?”

“Call me Tony.”

All you could do was nod before you left, closing the door behind you. Looking down at the schedule, you clicked on the title and slowly backspaced on the name “Mr. Stark”, replacing it with “Tony”. Well, surely it’d be a mostly professional relationship.

[littlexredxwolf]

Beauty and the beast

Fandom: Marvel/Disney Prompt: It’s beauty and the beast, with a twist. Word Count: 5,067 Character: Bucky and Reader. Warnings: None Author note: originally posted on impala-imagines, awfully written but amusing. Credits: I do not own marvel, i do not own this story and I do not own Disney.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young Sergeant lived in a war filled world although he didn’t have much, the Sergeant was sweet, kind, caring. But then, winters night, a mission came to his team and caused him to go against those who would turn the world to hell. The Sergeant fell from the train that night and was found by a hideous scientist, who offered him a single rose as an agreement to work for Hydra. Repulsed by their haggard appearance, he sneered at the gift and turned them away. But they warned him not to be deceived by appearances for beauty comes from within, when he dismissed them again they stepped away to let him die. The Sergeant tried to apologize, but it was too late for they had seen there was no desire to live in his heart, and as punishment they turned him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful memory wipe on him. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the Beast concealed himself inside his home with a computer as his only window to the outside world. The rose the scientist had offered him, was truly an enchanted rose, and would bloom until his twenty first year. If he could to love another and earn that person’s love in return, by the time the last petal fell then the spell would be broken, if not he would be doomed to remain a beast, for all time. As the years past, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a Beast?

Leaving your home early that morning, you carried your bag and made your way toward the apple store. As you reached the edge of the town center, you saw the baker and gave him a smile. “Good morning Y/N, where you off to?” The baker questioned looking at you with a curious smile. “To get the new Ipad, it’s out today and it has better battery and, and-.” But the baker wasn’t interested, he was just making idol chitchat. “That’s nice. Marie, the baguettes, hurry up!” Excited, you shrugged it off and carried on walking passed the hair dressers, where old ladies were already having their hair done. You knew they would probably be gossiping about you always, calling you funny, strange, and that you were dazed and distracted. You noticed someone else commenting say you were never part of the crowd and another saying about how your head was in the clouds. But that didn’t matter, you were on a mission and you didn’t care.

“There must be more than this Proventil life.” You uttered to yourself shaking your head softly. Pushing the door open to the apple shop open, you walked inside and gave a giant smile to the owner. “Ah Y/N.” The store owner said looking at you with fond eyes as he always did whenever you came in. “Good morning, I’ve come to get the new IPad.” You were practically bouncing as you looked around the shop. “Already? Well you’re early.” He pointed out glancing at his watch. “Oh I couldn’t sleep last night, is it here?” He nodded before going out the back to get you the iPad you’d ordered weeks ago. “I’ll pay on this one.” Biting your lip, you knew you might be maxed out, but you had to hope as you handed over your card. “That one, but you’ve maxed it out twice.” Your shoulders slumped at the thought of not getting the IPad. “I know, but it’s the one with the best limit on it.” The man thought for a moment, looking at you, before he smiled. “Well if you want it this much, it’s yours.” A look of complete shock appeared on your face as he spoke, you couldn’t believe it. “But sir?” You tried to hand it back, but he pushed it toward you. “I insist.” Jumping the counter, you hugged him tightly and smiled. “Why thank you, thank you so much.”

Leaving the bookshop, you took your iPad out of its box and turned it on as you started to walk, getting the settings how you wanted them, you had a dreamy look on your face as you looked deeply at the iPad. You knew no one else understood you, but that didn’t matter at all. “Oh isn’t this amazing! It’s my favorite one so far, because it has better graphics, a quicker speed and connects to wifi so easy. But I won’t discover all the secrets with this low battery.” You carried on walking, not paying attention to anyone, or anything. You didn’t care what people said to you as you walked. Not even noticing Tony Stark and Bruce Banner talking, Tony turned to Bruce with a wide grin on his face.

The pair of men stood together, discussing a mission they’d had the night before. “Wow, you didn’t miss a bad guy Tony, you’re the greatest Avenger in the whole world! No bad guy stands a chance against you, and no girl for that matter.” Bruce said grinning at Tony. “It’s true Bruce, and I got my sights set on that one!” He pointed at you as you walked past, pushing buttons on your tablet. “That one, you mean the scientists daughter?” Bruce looked shocked, surprised that he’d even go for recluse like you. “She’s the one, the lucky girl I’m going to marry!” “But she’s-” “The most beautiful girl in town!” “I know but-“ “That makes her the best, and don’t I deserve the best?” Tony made his way through the crowds as you carried on looking at your IPad, making your way back home. Not noticing a single thing. No one really understood you at all, or how you operated. Computers made you safe, they always had, you were able to hide behind them and not have to face the world out there.

“Good morning Y/N.” Looking up from your Ipad you smiled softly. “Good morning Tony.” Reaching over, he took the Ipad from you. “How can you like this, it’s apple.” Taking it back, you glared. “Well, some people enjoy good quality.” You replied. He rolled his eyes as he watched you, suddenly Bruce was beside Tony too. “What do you say, you come and take a look at Stark tower and see some of my computers.” Moving away from him you shook your head. “Maybe later, I have to get home and help my father.” You said quickly, turning on your heel, you rushed off back home, not daring to look back.

Opening the front door, you rushed inside and looked for your father, finding him in his lab you smiled gently. “Hello Papa.” You exclaimed rushing down. “Hello sweetheart, did you have a good time in town today?” He asked causing you to show him your Ipad. “I got the new Ipad… Papa, do you think I’m odd?” You asked tilting your head. “My daughter odd, no… why do you say that?” You shrugged a little bit and watched him adding chemicals. “It’s just that I don’t really fit in here, everyone else likes none apple products.” Walking around, he placed his hand on your shoulder and smiled. “This invention will be the start of something new, just you wait and see.” Glancing at the time, your father rushed off to get changed and get ready to leave.

“Goodbye Papa, good luck!” You waved him off as he headed off in a cab. “Goodbye Y/N, take care while I’m gone.” Once your father was gone, you were upstairs on the internet enjoying the things you spent most days doing, you lost track of day and night until finally you heard a knock at the door. Getting up, you walked downstairs and opened the door to find Tony stood there. “Tony, what are you doing here?” He forced his way inside and smiled. “Just picture it Y/N, my penthouse, my latest news reports on the tv, while the little ones play with the dogs. We’ll have six or seven.” Looking at him confused, you raised an eyebrow. “Dogs?” Laughing softly, he shook his head. “No y/n, strapping boys like me. So what do you say?” Stepping back slowly, you took hold of the door handle and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Tony, I just… I don’t deserve you!” Swinging the door open, you watched him fall flat on the ground as you moved to slam the door shut.

Storming back upstairs, you sat down at your computer and carried on skyping with a friend from across the sea. “He asked me to marry him, can you believe it? Me the wife of that boorish, brainless!” You started to imagine how awful it would be and cringed, even the thought of it made your stomach twist and turn, a sick feeling inside your stomach. “I just want someone to understand me, is that too much to ask?” It was then that your laptop started beeping. Getting up, you rushed over to it and opened it, your father’s GPS. “Oh no, Papa.” Writing down the location, you grabbed your things and headed out to try and find him. Your heart racing as you got into a cab and told him the location. “Hang in there Papa, I’m coming!”

The cab refused to go any further, leaving you at the end of a long winding path and screeching off before you could even think about changing your mind. Taking a deep breath, you walked slowly through the gates and noticed your father’s name badge. “Papa?” You rushed over and picked it up, looking at it and then looking around. Standing up, you looked up at the towering castle in front of you, it looked pitch black, uninhabited, looked as if nothing or no one had been in there for years and years. Taking a very deep breath, you touched the door and slowly opened it. It was even creepier from there. You took your time, gently edging in through the door, closing it behind you, you began to search. “Hello? Is anyone here? Papa?” You noticed a light on the steps and rushed after it, running up to find who or what it was? It led you to a room on the first floor.

“Hello?” You called out softly, until you heard the voice that you needed to hear. “Y/N?” Rushing across the room, you ran to him and hugged him through the bars. “Papa, oh your hands are like ice.” You said cupping them trying to warm them up. “How did you find me?” You shook your head. “It doesn’t matter.” Your father seemed to straighten up and look at you seriously. “You need to leave, go no. Not a minute to loose!” You found yourself snapping at him with anger. “No, I’m not leaving. Who done this to you!” Suddenly, you felt yourself flying across the room and landing on the ground, slowly looking up, looked around the darkness. “Who is there? Who are you?” A guff sandpaper like voice replied to you, causing you to swallow hard. “The master of this castle.” You slowly stood up, your eyes fixed on the location. “Please let my father go, can’t you see he’s sick.” The man yelled back at you. “Well he shouldn’t have trespassed here!” You paused for a moment, looking between your father and the figure.

“Take me instead.” There was a sound of a snigger coming from the man. “You?” He paused for only a minute. “You would take his?” You nodded gently. “Come into the light.” Slowly, the man walked into the light, you too in the tall figure with long hair and a metal arm and gasped. “You have my word.” You whispered, he moved to open the door for your father and he rushed to you instantly. “No, Y/N. I’m old I’ve lived my life.” You went to hug your father but he was dragged away instantly. “No, wait!” You screamed, watching your father leave with the monster. You crumpled on the floor and sobbed softly, the thought of never seeing your father again, never getting to be with him again and never even getting to say goodbye.

“Come, I’ll show you to your room.” Your head shot up at the voice in the doorway. “My room, but I thought…” “Do you want to stay in the tower.” You slowly shook your head, then got up and began to follow him. “This place is your home now, you can go anywhere you want, except the attic.” Looking at him curiously, you tilted your head ever so lightly. “What’s in the attic?” “It’s forbidden!” He snapped back at you causing you to nod slowly. You followed him to a room, where he opened the door and you slowly walked inside. “You will join me for dinner, that’s not a request!” The door slammed behind you, causing tears to prick your eyes. Rushing across to the bed, you threw yourself down and began to cry, just wanting everything to go back to the way it was before.

Meanwhile back at Stark Tower, Tony was licking his wounds, feeling awful about the fact that he’d been rejected, he couldn’t believe it. He was furious that you could say no to him. The avengers were busy throwing a party to celebrate their latest mission success, when suddenly Your father ran inside. “Someone, someone help me. He’s got her, he’s got her locked in the dungeon.” “Who?” “Y/N!” Tony stood up and adjusted is blazer. “Woah, slowdown, who has Y/N locked in a dungeon?” Taking a deep breath, your father looked at everyone. “A beast, a horrible monstrous beast!” Everyone stopped and looked at each other, before starting to chuckle. “Was it a big beast?”

“Massive!”

“With sharp cruel fangs?”

“No, a metal arm! Will you help me?” Tony quieted everyone down and smirked. “We’ll help you out.” Security escorted him out, as Tony looked at Bruce. “Bruce, I’ve been thinking. That wacky old coot is Y/N’s father and his sanity is only so/so. Now the wheels in my head have been turning, since I looked at that loony old man, I promised myself I’d be married to Y/N and right now I’m creating a plan!” With his spark back in his eye, the party carried on into the night, everyone, especially Tony celebrating.

You refused to go to dinner with the man who had you, you refused to even speak to him when he came to see you. The servants were kind to you however and when you finally snuck out, they fed you and entertained you for a little while. “Would you show me around?” You asked, they nodded and started to lead you around the massive house, as you passed a flight of stairs, you glanced up. “What’s up there?” A servant grabbed your hand and made you start to walk. “Nothing, nothing of interest in the attic.” You couldn’t help but glance back, curious as to what was up there. “Come, let us show you the computer room.” That perked you up, turning to look at them with a grin and an excited bounce in your step. “You have a computer room?” They started to lead you away, but you couldn’t help but glance back, after a moment you managed to turn around and rush off up the stairs leaving the servants to talk.

Slowly you made your way up the steps to the attic. A gentle cough came from your lips as you looked around, the dust was thick and it looked as if the place had barely been used for years. You edging into the room, you noticed a picture slashed and walked over, lifting it up to look at the handsome man in the picture. Looking away, you noticed an old army uniform, the only thing that hadn’t got a single piece of dust on it. Reaching over, you touched it gently, before you noticed the only form of light in the room. Slowly, you turned around and looked at the rose. Walking slowly over, you lifted the glass off and reached out to touch it.

A growl caused you to turn around, the beast placing the glass back over the rose and glaring at you. “I told you never to come here!” He snapped, looking at you as your heart started to pound heavily in your chest. “I’m sorry.” Lifting up something, he threw it across the room, smashing behind you. “Do you realize what you could’ve done. Get out!” Fear filled your eyes as you turned and ran, going as fast as your feet would carry you, you ran down past the servants. “Y/N?” Looking back at them, you shook your head. “Promise or no promise, I can’t stay here another minute.” Flying out of the door, you rushed off into the wilderness outside the gates and began to run, not caring that it was pitch black, you’d find your way, you had to find your way.

You ran through the wilderness, panting hard as you raced down a hillside, trying to find A road to follow back to civilization. As you ran down the hill, your foot caught on a branch and you tumbled down and started to roll, catching speed, unable to slow down until finally you reached the bottom of the hill. Laying down on the ground, you let out a soft groan. Laying there in the dark, looking through the canopy of trees toward the moon, you let out a gentle gasp as you regained your breath. As you lay there, you listened to the silence, until the sound of a howl caught your ears. Pulling yourself up, you began to run, not sure where to go, but trying hard to escape the wolves that had picked up your scent and were chasing after you.

Rushing through a ticket, you found yourself being caught on branches, some trying to take your legs out from under you, others ripping at your clothes trying to keep you from running away from what hunted you. Managing to get through with an almighty heave, you toppled to the ground once again, just in time to see glowing eyes coming toward you. You swallowed hard, trying to find the will to push yourself back up, but you were tired and in pain. Just as the first wolf lunged at you, it was scooped up and thrown, followed by another one, and another until they ran off in pain. Looking up, you stared shocked at the man in front of you, he didn’t speak, just stood there for a moment, before falling down. Rushing over, you helped him up and the pair of you slowly made your way back to the house.

Once you were inside, you ordered the staff to get you some hot water and a cloth as you helped him take a seat beside the fire. “Thank you.” You commented taking the warm bowl. “Stay still, this might hurt a little.” You explained as you began to clean his wounds. A growl left is lips, causing you to shy away from him. “That hurts!” He yelled loudly at her. “Well if you hold still it wouldn’t hurt as much!” You snapped back at him. “Well if you hadn’t run away, this wouldn’t have happened!” He quickly retorted. “Well if you hadn’t frightened me, I wouldn’t have run away!” He slowly opened his mouth, is eyes looking at you trying to find something to say. “Well you shouldn’t have been in the West Wing!” Looking up at him, you glared slightly. “Well you should learn to control your temper!” He stared at you, not a single world leaving his mouth as he looked shocked. “Now hold still, this might sting a little.” Your words came out tenderly, causing him to grit his teeth and bare the pain as you cleaned him. “By the way, thank you for saving my life.” There was a moment of silence, he stared down at you, surprise on his face. “You’re welcome.”

“I don’t usually leave the S.H.I.E.L.D at this time of night, this better be good boys.” Bruce and Tony looked between each other and nodded. “Yes, we do.” Pulling out a small file, they slid it across the desk. “I believe he’d working for Hydra; I’d like to get him investigated. Then what?” Nick asked looking between the two men. “Then, I would like to bring him in for questioning…” Tony explained looking at the man with the eyepatch in front of him. “Then what if he’s not?” Tony shrugged his shoulders a little. “Y/N will do anything to try and protect her father “So you’re doing this to get a girl.” There was a glint in Tony’s eye as Nick caught on. “Alright, I’ll play along.” Nick agreed with a smirk. The men left and made their way to Your house and banged on the door, ready to arrest your father, however, there wasn’t anyone there. “Bruce, you stay here, and wait till they return. Don’t move from this spot!”

Time rolled on and you and the beast began to bond, you found yourself finding a sweet side to him, you’d play outside in the garden together, and before you knew it, you were falling in love with him. Your eyes glanced at him for a moment, before hiding yourself. You felt conflicted, panicked, worried about what this would mean for the two of you. “Y/N, come on, I have something I want to show you.” Poking your head out, you got hit in the face with a snowball, chuckling softly, you threw one back and then dodged and hid, and gathered more snow, throwing it and hitting him before he was even able to gather the snow to throw again. “Come on, it’s time for a surprise.” Taking hold of your hand, he led you inside and glanced at you with a small smirk. Leading you through the castle to a room. “Close your eyes.” You looked at him a little skeptically, but then closed your eyes, slowly he led you inside and pulled the curtains back. “Can I open them?” He laughed softly and nodded. “Yes, open them.” You let out a gentle gasp as you moved your hands away from your eyes and began to look around shocked. “I’ve never seen so many books in all my life.” His hand moved to touch your cheek and he smiled. “I know it’s not a computer, but I thought you might like these.” You flung your arms around him and hugged him tightly. “It’s wonderful! Thank you so much Bucky.”

That night, both you and Bucky dressed in beautiful, clothes sort of like a first date. You had the most beautiful elegant 1940s dress and Bucky had a suit on, he didn’t know why but it was always what he’d been into. The pair of you met at the top of the stairs and you smiled at each other, you curtsied and he bowed, before escorting you downstairs to the ballroom. After dining on all of your favorite foods, you stood up and rushed over to him and held out your hand. “Dance with me?” Looking nervous, he slowly stood up and took your hand. “I don’t know how.” Ignoring him telling you this, you guided him to the floor and placed his hands in the right places and took hold of his hands and began to lead, showing him how to dance. You moved to the beat, all the way till he figured out what he was doing and took control, leaving you able to rest your head on his shoulder, it didn’t bother you that you could feel is metal arm through his jacket, his metal arm didn’t bother you at all.

The pair of you retired outside to spend some time getting fresh air, Bucky slowly turned to look at you. “Y/N, are you happy?” You nodded softly, looking up at him with fond eyes. “Yes, I… I just wish I could see my father one last time.” Bucky thought for a moment, and took your hand and rushed upstairs with you to the attic. Picking up a small tablet, he opened something and handed it to you. “This will show you whatever you want, just type in the words.” Nodding softly, you typed in the words and watched as a satellite zoomed in on an area not far away. “My father, he may be dying and he’s all alone!” You jumped up fear in your eyes. “Then you should go.” Turning around, you looked at Bucky. “What?” You spoke in a half whisper. “You’re free.” Hugging him tightly, you let out a soft sigh. “Thank you for understanding.” You went to hand back the tablet, but he shook his head. “Take it, so you always have a way to look back and remember.” Looking at him once again, you then turned and ran off.

You found your father and got a cab home. “Don’t worry Papa, I’ll look after you.” You said as you helped him inside and got him into bed. “How did you escape?” He asked, looking down at him you smiled softly. “I didn’t, he let me go. He’s different now Papa, he’s changed somehow.” You explained as you made him some tea. The sound of someone knocking on the door caused you to look around. “I’ll get it.” Slowly opening the door, you looked up to see Nick Fury and several different agents. “Yes?” He smirked softly. “I’m here to pick up your father, he’s suspected to be working for Hydra.” You shook your head. “No, my father would never!” You yelled. “He was raving about some sort of creature; he must be working for them and created it!” Tony shouted from the street, a mob was starting to form around. “I can clear up this little misunderstanding… if.” You looked at Tony curiously. “If?” He smirked and leaned closer. “If you marry me.”

“Never!” Men forced themselves past you and went inside to get your father, running inside after them you grabbed the tablet. “My father doesn’t work for Hydra; I can prove it!” Grabbing the tablet, you rushed outside and turned it around to show everyone. “He’s a human, my father doesn’t work with humans!” You shouted, showing everyone. But there were gasps as they saw the dark look in his eyes, the metal on his arm. “Is he dangerous?” You shook your head. “No, he’s kind and gentle, he’s my friend.” A glare appeared on Tony’s face as he moved over and snatched the tablet away. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you have feelings for this monster.” You pulled away from him. “He’s no monster Tony, you are!” A sneer appeared on his face. “She’s as evil as her old man!” He snapped. “The beast will make off with your children, he’ll come after them in the night!” Gasps spread through everyone as they looked around and Tony started to rile them up. “Lock them in!” He ordered, you were dragged and thrown inside your house with your father, guards stood on the door and refused to let you out.

The mob started to make their way toward Bucky’s house, anger on their faces as they went together. “We won’t rest until he’s dead!” They announced as they made their way off. Unaware that your father was sneaking you through the cellar and out of a small window so you could make off after the mob and try and rescue the beast. The mob drew close to Bucky’s house, Tony leading them in his super suit. “Take whatever you can find, but remember the beast is mine!” He announced as they moved and blew the doors open. Everyone stopped as they found a silent entrance. Suddenly the servants burst out and began to fight with everyone. They were all clearly going to protect their leader for as long as they could.

Tony slipped through and made his way up the stairs, searching for Bucky bursting into the attic, he found him and hit him out of the window. “Get up, you worthless piece of shit, get up.” He snarled at him. “Were you in love with her you beast? Did you honestly think she’d want you, when she had someone like me?” He moved and smashed into him once again, an angry glare on his face, causing him to end up close to the edge of the roof. “No! Tony, please, no!” You screamed as you arrived, it was then Bucky moved and pushed himself up and began to fight against Tony, they collided hard as Tony flew into him and Bucky stopped him with his suit. Running through the house, you made your way up to the attic and out onto the roof. “Stop it, please.” You arrived just to see Bucky holding Tony over the long drop, he suddenly changed and dropped him down onto the pavement. “Get out!”

Bucky turned around and started to make his way up toward you, but then suddenly Tony hit him. Bucky fell backward, you caught him and held onto him, trying to pull him up. Tony slipped and plummeted toward the earth, his suite failing as he did. You pulled Bucky up onto the ledge and lay him down. “No, please don’t leave me.” You uttered, your fingers touching his cheek. “At least I got to see you one last time.” He whispered as he gasped for breath. The petal fell from the rose as tears trickled down your cheeks. “Please, don’t leave me. I love you.” Suddenly everything started to change, you stepped back as light flooded around Bucky, his body moved into the air and something happened to him, before gently lying him back down.

You watched, mouth open as he pushed himself up and turned to look at you. “I remember.” He whispered. “I remember everything.” He moved over to you and scooped you up in his arms and kissed you deeply, spinning you around as he did. “I love you Y/N, you broke the spell.” He said holding you in his arms. “I love you too Bucky.” You stood looking up at each other, smiles on your faces as you knew this was the start of a beautiful new adventure.

[whatislv]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER CAN POTENTIALLY
MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. 
REPOST. DON’T REBLOG.

– BASICS.

• NAME: Kat or Katy generally, but I'm not averse to other names if you already know people by those names! 
• PRONOUNS: She/Her are fine, as I'm definitively female, but they/them suffices just fine too! 
•  SEXUALITY: Asexual, sex-repulsed. A little lost on anything beyond that, haha. 
•  TAKEN OR SINGLE: Relationship status; Undateable NPC. God be with you if you ever catch feelings, my guy.




– THREE FACTS.

•   All the instruments I've played were secondary choices; the first instrument I played was a cello. When I tried to play a violin, the sound I got was scratchy, so my teacher suggested I play a cello because we didn't have any in our age group. Lo and behold, not only did I get a better sound out of it, but I got second chair and got to play with upperclassmen before we moved and I had to drop it. My second instrument was a trombone. (I know... I know.) I tried to play a flute first, but couldn't get a steady sound out of it even after like two weeks of lessons... It was so humiliating. The band only had one other trombone though, so... My teacher handed me one and asked me to give it a try. In two months I made second chair and got my first solo part- "If I Only Had A Brain" in a Wizard of Oz medley because I could play OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD. I loved that stupid trombone, but I dropped it too because I didn't wanna do marching band, which was obligatory past 8th grade or something. Lame. 
•   Aside from playing and dropping goofyass instruments that are literally bigger than me yet still miraculously portable, I also got it in me to teach myself piano well enough to play the Tetris Theme and parts of Clair de Lune before getting bored with it because I... never actually had a piano to play on. I just downloaded a shitton of free piano key apps, taught myself what the keys were and how to read the music, and went on to try and play them on my iPad. My screen was a little too tiny to go and try to play anything more complicated than that- anything where the notes were more than 10 keys apart were kind of a hassle. So I stopped... C'est la vie. 
•   One time a friend told me she liked my singing and I was so flattered and appreciative of the comment that I cried. I'm a functional human being, who knows what to do with taking compliments and accepting positivity, AND FURTHERMORE...




– EXPERIENCE.

•   HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): Ah... 6-7 years by now, I think! It feels like it's been a long time. 2 years for this blog! 
•   PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: Deviantart chats, MSPARP, Skype, Discord, Tumblr... 
•   BEST EXPERIENCE: I've loved all my blogs! Every friend group/community I've found myself in has been incredibly friendly towards me; I'm very lucky, and I love the people I meet very much.




– MUSE PREFERENCES.

•   FEMALE OR MALE: I have. Never in my life publicly played a female muse 💦 
•   FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: Sex repulsed, generally, so smut doesn't really happen! SURE DO LOVE ME SOME ANGST AND FLUFF IN EQUAL AMOUNTS THOUGH. 
•   PLOTS OR MEMES: I love the idea of plots so much, but the noncommittal easygoing vibes of memes are too good to pass up. 
•   LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: Short. Oough 💦 I don't have the energy to format long posts these days... Maybe in private, I'd do long responses! But otherwise... Short. Pls 
•   BEST TIME TO WRITE: When the manic episode hits just right Whenever I'm fortunate enough to be awake, haha! 
•   ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): I find this to be...... Likely. But I have no idea- Maybe it's a matter of opinion! What do you think?

TAGGED BY:  @onehpwonder (blows kiss!) 
TAGGING: Whoever would like to! Please @ me if you do though; I'd love to read it!

[shaunstoffer]

Tokyo was my last stop for my Japan trip and I had some reservations about going. I was growing tired of big cities, debating an over-packed itinerary, and was worried about being overwhelmed by a city even bigger than my old home of Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. So, just I stuck with my instincts: check out a neighborhood a day at a time, relax at night, and just ride the wave. It was also the first time I decided to stop taking so many pictures after I ended up with over a thousand pictures in just two weeks. I had become repulsed by the number of people flailing selfie sticks and cameras around and not simply drinking in the sights and sipping on the moment. I couldn’t count how many time I saw crowds fighting over a picturesque moment but not actually sitting down and enjoying it. As a result, I vowed to travel for me, not for likes or views – best decision I ever made.

Conveyor Belt Sushi: There’s a few different ways of indulging in this delightful activity. One is by electronically ordering on a digital menu that’s something like an iPad, the second is directly ordering from the chef where you’ll likely need to brush up on your Japanese, and the third is the simple grabbing the plates as they come. The issue with this method is that generally speaking, all the good dishes get grabbed right away while the less desired ones get leftover, endlessly revolving around. Therefore, if you’ve seen a dish more than a few times it’s probably not the cream of the crop. Tsukiji Fish Market: I came to Tokyo’s famous fish market solely to see the sales of giant tuna and other fish to vendors. Little did I know the only way to see this live auction is to arrive at 4:30am to purchase tickets in person, which are limited to only 120 total daily, and the auction is a silent auction which only runs from 5am to 6:15am. Therefore, if you’re not determined to visit, like I wasn’t, it’s best to simply enjoy the food market. It’s smaller, more crowded, and definitely more exposed to the elements like rain or sunshine than the Osaka or Kyoto markets but I stumbled upon a fancier, underground, affliated restaurant which met my requirements to dine in. They spoke zero English nor had an English menu and I was the only foreigner. That’s when I knew I needed to eat here but I had no idea what to order, so I just started pointing at pictures and saying in Japanese, “one please”.National Museum of Emerging Science and Engineering: I was disappointed with the museums in Tokyo and spent a day visiting around five or six. Mitsuo Aida Museum, National Museum of Modern Art, and Idemitsu Museum of Arts were among some of the ones I visited. The prices were a bit expensive averaging at around 1000 yen a ticket ($9), the museums often lacked English translations for many pieces so often times I was looking at literature or art pieces where I couldn’t even understand what the title was or any of the prose, and most of the exhibits were relatively small and a bid redundant. There’s nothing really exciting to me about a room full of small, clay pots or untranslated scrolls that I can’t understand.Crown Shisha: I grew a craving for Japanese shisha in Osaka and had a regular urge to satisfy it in Tokyo. Why? Because it wasn’t illegal, wasn’t very expensive, and didn’t leave me with a bad hangover in the morning. I could relax, enjoy, and meet new people over a bowl of the good stuff. By dumb luck, I happened to book a place to stay that was a few minutes walk from Crown Shisha. It was owned by a Japanese lady and run by a few Indian gentleman who spoke Japanese and English on top of their native tongue fluently. I ended up making friends with the staff and some of the regulars and ended up going nearly every night. The one downside was when the bar closed they all went to the clubs until the the crack of dawn. I have a bad reputation of losing control in clubs. Meaning I’ll spend all my money on bottles, I’ll get drunk as a skunk, and plainly I’ll party as hard as I can with whoever I can till the sun comes up. Needless to say, I was very tempted to join in on their festivities, but managed to summon the resolve to say no whenever invited. Odaiba and the Little Statue of Liberty: I was told this man-made neighborhood island was a place that couldn’t be passed up. People came for the shopping and the restaurants but I came for the architecture and the views.

  Sleeping Pods: I figured I’d try something new and try out staying in sleeping pods which are exactly what they sound like. Many joked that it felt like sleeping in a coffin but to me it was more like what I imagine a space pod would be. I’m mildly claustrophobic, so I initially thought I had made a huge mistake upon first seeing my “room” but after entering it ended up feeling surprisingly cozy, like a warm cave or tent almost. They come equipped with a light, AC fan, and WiFi so it was really not a terrible experience although I wouldn’t revisit the idea again as it’s not exactly easy to bring a lady back from a bar – wink wink*.

  Ginza: Ginza was the neighborhood I decided to stay in. Everyone told me it was the Times Square of Tokyo. God help me I should have known it was filled with overpriced international brands and restaurants that were selling the same quality dish for twice the price you could get down the street. That being said, I loved how the streets glowed at night and I never ran out of options on where to eat.

  Taco Bell, Hooters, & Red Lobster: Mock me if you will but I hadn’t come across these restaurants since leaving America well over a year ago. It was a funny flip seeing locals treat fast food quesadillas and boneless lemon pepper wings like foreign delicacies. I will however never forgive Red Lobster for discontinuing those damn delicious cheese biscuits!

    World Cup: I came to Tokyo during the world cup and left right before Japan was eliminated. People in Japan are avid soccer lovers and were wearing fake Afros, foam fingers, and jerseys to sports bars all over the city rooting for their team. That being said, they aren’t hostile or excessively belligerent like other countries can be. They simple want to drink, cheer on their team, and go home which is the way it should be.

Imperial Palace: Little did I know that the only entry is through escorted tours which must be applied for well in advance and little of the actual palace is accessible to the public. Instead, most opt to admire from afar as well as go to the East Gardens which is flourished with nature and free to visit.

Shinjuku Gyoen National Garden: As I’ve said before, during the summer you won’t encounter a big variety of colors but everything is SO green!

  Earthquake in Osaka: I encountered my first earthquake early in the morning in my hostel in Osaka. It woke me up but I was too naive in my half-asleep stupor that I started yelling at my bunk mate above me to shut up and quit shaking the beds. After going back asleep I awoke to news that an earthquake had struck and I had pretty much slept through it. Needless to say, I owed my bunk-mate a highball.

Luckily for me, the first week I made it to Taiwan, my new home, I encountered another earthquake at the bar. The bar was relatively full and out of nowhere the entire building shook for a few seconds. I’m the only one who jumped up and got into a fighting stance out of sheer instinct because I didn’t know what was happening. Everyone just paused until it stopped then resumed what they were doing like nothing happened. Culture shock at its finest.

To Taiwan: I nearly didn’t make it out of Japan as I was entering Taiwan on a 3-month tourist pass where travelers are sometimes required to have an exit ticket to show proof of exiting the country within the allotted 90 days. I didn’t because I was moving and upgrading my visa to an ARC working visa which is much easier to do in person than through emails, mail, and phone calls abroad. After a solid ten minutes of being polite, calmly and honestly explaining my intentions, the immigration, which consisted of four younger Japanese ladies, allowed me to enter with merely a gentle warning. Turns out a smile, a wink, and compliments can get you through a lot of pickles.

  Exiting Japan: Tokyo Tokyo was my last stop for my Japan trip and I had some reservations about going. I was growing tired of big cities, debating an over-packed itinerary, and was worried about being overwhelmed by a city even bigger than my old home of Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam.

[cohesionarts]

This just in from Cohesion Arts

New Post has been published on http://cohesionarts.com/2017/10/09/dispatches-day-8/

Dispatches from the Outskirts of Facebookistan - Day 8

As a few friends and followers (fans?) have observed, for the past week I’ve been making a concerted effort to avoid Facebook.

This divergence from my usual routine (a word I use loosely) started last Monday, when I awoke to the news of the massacre in Las Vegas and immediately – impulsively – went to gauge the public reaction on Facebook. I pretty much knew what to expect once I got there: the same righteous indignation I found after the last such event – and the one before that and the one before that etc. etc. ad infinitum ad nauseaum.

But this time my reaction surprised me. This time, it wasn’t the triggering event that repulsed me so much as the boilerplate reactions that scrolled by on in my “news” feed. This time, something about the futility of the whole experience – not just the event but the predictable responses to it – resonated in a way that was vaguely unfamiliar. I’d seen it all before, but this time I really found myself wondering what was the point of seeing it all again?

That’s when I started “pushing in the stops.” I resolved to get some kind of handle on this digital beast, this virtual narcotic that I puff on like I used to smoke pot all day (from 1969 to 1987).

I started by removing the permanent “pin tab” for Facebook in my laptop browser, then I deleted the Facebook app from my phone.

Removing the pinned browser tab means that Facebook is not lurking in a tab at the top of my browser window when I am trying to do other things on my computer (which is pretty much where I do everything). Removing the permanently pinned tab means that an effort is now required to open Facebook on my laptop. Yes, it’s a minor effort, but it’s more of an effort than simply clicking a tab. Now I actually have to open a new tab and type. But – no surprise here – as soon as I type the letter “f”, the browser auto-fills with “facebook.com” and off I go into the oblivion of the Infinite Random Trivia Generator.

The bigger change was deleting the Facebook app altogether from my iPhone. I had come in recent weeks to be painfully aware of the extent that I would punch the blue “f” icon on my iPhone and then just vacantly scroll through whatever the display had to offer. The only way to stop that was to remove the app.

That was Monday. The following Friday was the first day I woke up and did not feel the impulse to start my day perusing Facebook.

*

One thing that these behavior patterns seem to be telling me is that I am at a vacant place in my life right now. I seem to be seeking some kind of solace and gratification from the other side of this digital mirror.

I know that these habits are not mine alone. As this recent item from Wired observes,

“It’s a dirty digital habit, and it doesn’t make me happy. Maybe you can relate. Studies have repeatedly found that while social media connects us to one another, it also makes us feel bad. And yet, we do it anyway. We do it because we can’t stop.”

Or, from another item in Wired: 

43% of smartphone users check their phone within five minutes of waking up.

That presumably includes a very high percentage of Facebook checkers.

Count me in that number.

I suspect the pattern is fairly common: I post something or comment on something somebody else has posted. Then it’s only a couple of minutes – maybe less! – before I return to see if anybody has noticed how witty and profound (or just profane) I have been.

That is a habit not unlike taking a hit of pot, or a swig of whisky – getting the buzz, and then needing another one within minutes. Where alcohol and drugs are concerned, habits like that have finally come to be recognized as symptomatic of a disease. How is it any different with a “virtual drug” like Facebook? Indeed, I have too-often compared the “Facebook Habit” to “the way I felt about Scotch and Vodka in the months before I finally quit drinking…”.

I hope last Monday was the day I finally put the pipe down.

*

As well as I can tell from inside my own damn head, I’m facing two issues: obsession and fragmentation.

The obsession is with the medium itself.  I am referring here to that nagging impulse to scroll. To punch an icon and and scroll scroll scroll until… what?  Like there is some pot at the end of the rainbow or a rabbit at the bottom of the hole?  There is something primal going on here: the relentless need to fill some kind of vacuum, to fill an inner void, like rats in a digital cage poking for pellets. My life feels hollow, let me see if I can fill it up with… Facebook??

The notion is absurd on its face but nevertheless obsessively present. It grabs me all day long. Like when I’m driving, and I come to a stop light. I’ve got a minute, why don’t I punch the phone (which is mounted on my dashboard) and scroll Facebook? Look! Notifications! That will surely give me something that will fill this momentary pause in my info-continuum.

I listen to a lot of podcasts and books when I’m in the car. That might be the best-spent hour of every day (an hour to and from my job). But even with all that meaningful input, when the car comes to a stop, I am instantly possessed with the need to do something else, to find another form of input. To punch and scroll.

Perhaps more important than that finger-to-screen obsession, I’m observing the fragmentation that activity produces in my own thought processes. The loss of concentration. The inability to focus. And I don’t think it’s just because my brain is in its seventh decade of continuous operation.

To the contrary, I think the Internet has destroyed my brain. I’ve been online since 1979, but almost constantly since wireless broadband was introduced at the start of this century. That’s 20 years of jumping from one thing to another all day long. As Nicholas Carr wrote in “The Shallows,” the medium has rewired my brain.

So instead of posting pithy links (#TMITM!) and snarky comments on Facebook, I’ve started using a new app called “Day One” – a journaling app suggested by friend Mike Lovett. Mike suggested “keep Day One open on one half of your screen, and when you see something on the web that you want to post on Facebook, or a post on Facebook that you want to comment on, put those links and comments in Day One. At the end of the day (or week), round up the most pertinent and worthy stuff and put it all in a post on your own website.”

Which is exactly what I’ve done here. Much of what I’ve just posted was gathered through the week. Some of it by dictating short snippets to Day One via the app on my Apple Watch – boy, that’s a real game changer!

Once I’ve assembled a post for CohesionArts.com (like this one), my WordPress installation automatically posts a link to my Facebook Profile and Page. Hence the notion of “lobbing it over the wall into Facebookistan.  

Otherwise, during uring the day, I have made a concerted effort to limit myself to the occasional “guerrilla strike” into the forbidden zone. Like this afternoon – while I was in a parking lot –  I got an email notifying me that my sister had mentioned me in a comment. So I opened Facebook on my iPad to see what the comment was. I clicked “like” on the comment. Then I went to the grocery store.

I don’t think that I can escape Facebookistan altogether, any more than I  expect that I will ever get my “old brain” back. But I do think that I have to make a concerted effort to figure out how this “new brain” works for me, and I’m not going to do that by impulsively, relentlessly, scrolling through the Infinite Random Trivia Generator.

In the meantime, old habits die hard.

Now then…. any notifications??