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ivanabaqero · 3 years

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Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out.

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened.

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication.

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore.

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not.

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started.

#shush vanana #uhh #no tags i am lazy

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lovingrosewho · 3 years

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Fake Dating (pt. 5)

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

It’s finally here! The last part of this mini-series! The longest part as well! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, thanks to everyone who reads, who comments, who asks to be tagged, you really can’t even imagine how much it means to me, the whole 6.7k total words of this fic are already worth it just because of you! Any feedback is highly welcomed :-) Did you like it? Would you have preferred for it to be just 2-3 longer chapters? Were the characters ok? Any thoughts you have in mind 🥰 Prompts “Enjoying the view?” and “I can’t believe you are actually wearing my clothes” taken from this post by @sinnabonka 💕

MULTICHAPTER

Pairing: Crowley x Reader

Rating: T. Fluff

Word count: 2k

Summary: Sam and Dean Winchester need your help with a case, which involves pretending to date the King of Hell.

Warnings: none

Sam’s look is pure confusion, whereas Dean’s...

“What the hell?!” he exclaims. You can tell the only thing stopping him from punching Crowley is that the shock of the image before him has glued his feet to the floor.

“Now we’re in trouble” Crowley jokes lowly. You sigh and roll your eyes in boredom, standing up from the couch and walking over to Sam who is holding your coat with one hand and a gun on the other.

“Thank you” you say more politely than usual so they can note the irony “I thought I’d might die of hypothermia”.

Dean is still staring at Crowley, the engines inside his head must be running a thousand miles per hour deciding if to beat the crap out of him or thank him for keeping you alive. Crowley walks to you, noting Dean’s look and frankly, not caring, lifting your face up in his hands.

“I’ll be seeing you around, kitten” he mutters before vanishing in front of you, leaving you to deal with the family drama. You turn around to see the Winchesters looking at you expectantly, waiting for an explanation you’re not willing to give them yet, so you walk past them and towards the car.

The ride is tense, you’re in utter quiet, back on the passengers seat. You can see how Dean holds the wheel angrily, he won’t even let Sam put any music, even though the younger brother is just looking for the right words to say.

“I can’t believe it” Dean finally speaks, after a long-ass half hour of silence, and you snap.

“Oh so now you can’t believe it? This was your idea!” you reclaim yelling.

“Guys...” Sam interrupts taking a deep breath but none of you listen to him.

“Oh well excuse me for making you make out with the freaking King of Hell!” Dean yells as well, ignoring Sam.

The whole ride goes like that, screaming and recriminating at each other, Sam puts his earbuds on, massaging his temples with his fingers as well, praying to God you get to the bunker quickly so everyone can take some time off before discussing the whole Crowley and you matter.

After about fifteen minutes, you do exactly that, arriving to the bunker, throwing your heels on the War Room, not caring about breaking something, storming into your bedroom next, slamming the door with a bang. Dean’s about to go after you but Sam stops him, so he only turns up the warding as far as it can go.

You spend hours tossing and turning in bed, just to get up, walk in circles like a caged lion, and back to bed.

At about 4am or so, you can’t stand the feeling anymore and get out of your room on your tiptoes, listening to Sam and Dean snore through their doors, you take it as a cue to sneak out of the bunker as quietly as possible. When you’re on the outside highway, you call Crowley.

He appears in front of you not two rings into the call, with his hands inside his pockets and an intrigued look.

“So?” he asks heading your way slowly “How did the dynamic duo take it?”

“Not good” you confirm shrugging, extending your arms to hug him. He embraces you firmly, breathing in your scent.

“I’m sorry I left like that, but you understand, the hardy boys over there would have killed me had I stayed any longer. I tried to come into your bedroom but for some reason I couldn’t” he tells you and you nod.

“Yeah no, it would’ve been worse handling all that stuff with you there. And yes they... Dean turned up the warding” you explain.

“Of course” he says in a tired way, not letting you go.

“I’ll turn it down, they’re already asleep” you say, separating from him and taking his hand instead, conducting him to the door of the bunker, but to your very shabby surprise, Sam and Dean are waiting for you inside, Dean’s arms crossed across his chest and Sam’s mouth in a grimace, giving you an apologetic look.

“Dean, I don’t have time for this” you say going towards the warding. Crowley’s semblance appears calm and even a bit amused, but you can feel his hand slightly tensed in yours.

“Me neither, sweetheart. It’s late, we’re tired, and oh, I already lowered the warding” he says mockingly. You turn to him again, exasperated.

“Alright, (Y/N), we just want to understand,” Sam says, stopping another loud argument from happening “what the hell?”

You sigh, about to recite hour to hour what happened, but Crowley lets go of your hand swiftly and moves it to your shoulder, speaking up.

“It wasn’t her fault” he says, looking at both the Winchesters one at a time “If you’re about to scold anyone, Dean, it’s me, not her”.

“Damn right I am” Dean says, taking a few steps forward intimidatingly, but Sam, as the true moderator he is, raises one hand in annoyance as a heads up for Dean to stay where he is.

“Okay, then, Crowley, man, what the hell?” Sam asks, genuinely bewildered “We leave her with you for a few hours and-and, you’re kissing her?”

You can tell by Crowley’s look and stand, he’s doing his absolute best not to retort with some, witty-out of the place, comment. Since you’re still on top of the stairs, he snaps you both down to be leveled with the Winchesters.

“I like him” you say before Crowley’s even able to respond himself “I love him”.

Now the three men are looking at you like you’ve lost your mind.

“And I love her too” Crowley admits as well, still looking at you taken aback by your words.

“But you’re a demon” a stunned Sam interrupts the scene “Can you even love?”

“Yes, Moose” Crowley rolls his eyes “Apparently, since you two morons dosed me with human blood till derogation, my whole demon-system has... gone soft. As you very eloquently put it”.

You chuckle slightly, knowing that’s just partially true, even before they sedated him with that, he was already very fond of you.

Dean hasn’t said a word nor moved while Sam has been doing all the talking, but suddenly, he walks towards you and encircles you in a hug, kissing the top of your head.

“Dean?” you call unsure about this unexpected behavior.

“I know you know what you’re doing kiddo” he says almost inaudibly “I just... worry too damn much about you, but you can take better care of yourself than either Sam or me can”.

You feel a single tear rolling down your cheeks and landing on Dean’s shoulder. He separates to look at you, his grip on your forearms, a persistent form of protection and reassurance.

“Is this really what you want?” he asks carefully “Cause if it is... I mean I hate it. But I understand, I won’t get on your way. As long as he doesn’t hurt you. ‘Cause if he does...”

“You’ll smite me till beyond hell itself? Yes, Squirrel, we’ve heard that one before” Crowley interrupts him. Dean’s grip tenses on you, but he takes a deep breath, likely counts till ten, and looks affirmatively at Crowley “Good. Now that we could work this out like the highly functioning enemies we are, may I have (Y/N) back?”

“This is what I want” you say to Dean “It’s my decision”.

Dean nods, resigned, hugs you one last time and lets you go to Crowley’s side, holding his hand.

“Take care” Sam tells you waving his hand in the air. Dean is obsessively biting the nail of his thumb, probably regretting the choice of letting you go off with him, but it’s too late, Crowley vanishes the two of you and in a fraction of a second, you’re standing in his chambers in hell.

“That went... awfully pleasant” Crowley declares with both his eyebrows arched, just before he pulls you to him, still holding your hand and grabbing the one that was missing, putting carefully aside a lock of hair and placing it behind your ear as he looks at you in the eyes.

“Mmmh” you hum in response, throwing your arms on top of his shoulders and encircling them behind his neck, swiftly rocking you both right and left “Dean’s probably already regretting his decision”.

Crowley chuckles and nods in agreement until you yawn.

“Oh, kitten, I forgot” he says separating slightly from you, holding your face in his hands “You haven’t slept in... almost 24 hours”.

You yawn again just when yoo were about to retort.

“Say no more” Crowley says with a grin, clicking his fingers, dressing you both in satined pajamas. You laugh loudly.

“Of course you would sleep in satin” you mock giving him a playful look, taking his hand again, making him follow you to the bed, decorated with black gold and red velvet details.

“If you think you’re making me sleep with those, frankly horrific, band t-shirts you wear, well darling, you’re out of your mind” he affirms, making you laugh.

“What scares me the most is you noticing exactly what I sleep in” you tease getting under the covers, making room for Crowley to get in next to you. He rolls his eyes at your statement.

“You’re not exactly the dress-up type, darling” he teases equally, following your lead and getting under the covers with you, turning to his side to face you “I’ve seen you several times walking around in the bunker in those same t-shirts, a pair of pajama shorts and flip-flops. Which, by the way, you’re never making me wear either. Ever”.

“Yet” you giggle “They’re comfortable. And admit it, I look good on them”.

Crowley hums, extending an arm across your waist, drawing you closer to him.

“Do demons even sleep?” you ask when you feel drowsiness tugging at your eyelids, adjusting your head in Crowley’s chest, letting him cuddle you.

“We don’t, but we can if we want, for a few hours” he assures you “You sleep well, kitten, I’m not going anywhere”.

You nod sheepishly and begin to drift in the soft surge of your sleep.

When you wake up the next morning, almost afternoon, you find Crowley right beside you, still heavy on sleep, gentle breaths coming out of him as his chest moves lightly up and down.

You get up quietly, tip-toeing to his wardrobe on the other side of the room, losing the top part of the satin pajama and picking one of his suit shirts instead, putting it on, fastening only the three buttons of the center. After a few minutes, Crowley wakes up.

“Enjoying the view?” you ask brightly, turning your head towards him for a moment, watching him shift slightly up to a position where his arm is bent and his head is resting on his hand.

“What are you doing there, kitten?” he questions softly, his voice still husky with sleep “Come back to bed”.

You turn around fully this time and he seems to be more awaken suddenly.

“Everything all right?” you interrogate.

“Yes-very much so. It’s just... I can’t believe you are actually wearing my clothes” he exclaims, the corners of his mouth slightly lift “I don’t expect you to know how much that shirt cost”.

You grin widely, walking to the bed slowly, throwing yourself to it afterwards, not taking your eyes off of him.

“No. Does it matter?” you ask again, tone still teasing. He shakes his head.

“Not at all. It’s yours” he states, rolling on top of you, placing his hands at your sides, lowering to kiss you deep and passionate.

“You know I’m eventually gonna need to get up and get back to hunting, right?” you mumble, running your fingers through his beard and lips.

“As much as it pains me, yes. That’s why I’m intending to keep you here for as long as I can” he says, nuzzling his nose in your hair, inhaling your scent.

“I could do with that” you tell him happily, entangling your legs behind his hips and your arms in his neck, kissing him once again. Swaying, tender lips across his.

The End

MASTERLIST // TAG LIST: @enby-thesbian @agent-smulder

#supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fic #crowley #crowley supernatural #crowley x reader #crowley x reader fic #crowley x reader fanfiction #crowley fic #crowley fanfiction #crowley fanfic #crowley spn #crowley x y/n #crowley x you #crowley masterlist

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parental-unit-of-chaos · 2 years

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Selling Tarot card readings:

Hello, I'll be doing tarot card readings for people. It will cost money snice the readings will be taking energy to do.

RULES:

DM me your question or ask the question on my blog.

Send $1 to my cash app ( $HarperEZCrow )

I'll do your reading and then you send the rest of the money.

Pricing:

$1 to start the reading, so I know you can pay me for the reading and I atleast have a dollar to put towards rent and food.

$2 per tarot card, $4 for an oracle card

My hours of tarot reading:

Monday:

15:00 - 18:00 (MST)

Tuesday:

15:00-18:00 (MST)

Wednesday:

15:00-18:00 (MST)

Thursday:

17:00-19:00 (MST)

Friday:

17:00-19:00 (MST)

Saturday and Sunday:

My days off.

Which tarot spreads do I do?

I do any tarot spread, if you have one in mind say the name or have a picture of the spread in the message.

It's different if you have a question to ask.

Examples:

Ex.1:

Customer: Hi, could I have a past, present, future spread? *Sends $1 to my cash app*

Me: sure thing, *gives reading of 3 cards and texts for a little bit to give them the messages they need* so that'll be $6 total

Customer: thank you *sends $6*

Ex.2:

Customer: Hi, I don't know many tarot spreads but I do have a question. I'm wanting to understand some problems I'm having with my love life. *Sends $1*

Me: Hi, that's okay. So I think that's a little broad. So why don't we just do a 3 question spread of : Problems with self, problems with relationship, and how to help solve them.

Customer: oh okay, yea we can do that.

Me: *dose the reading, and 4 cards come up for one, 3 for one and 5 for another*

Me: So the total is $24

Customer: okay *sends $24*

Note...

These prices may change as I get more credit as a tarot reader.

If you for some reason want your money back, you can only have half the money back because I still need to have money for rent and food.

You can send me the money at anytime but i'll only do readings within my working hours.

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cateringisalie · 3 years

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9 years later and we have at last got a new Eva film and the end of the Rebuild project.

Much was made at the start of Rebuild of the desire to introduce Eva to a new audience. 1.0 more or less leant into its original goal and restaged episodes 1 to 6 of the TV series with a bigger budget, CGI, some more blunt and early reveals and a few weird alterations for the existing fan base. The Angel numbering was off; everyone knows Lilith is stuck in the basement, Seele just default to their monoliths. Kaworu is actively introduced at the tail-end rather than alluded to in the opening titles. As an intro, its fine (though most would agree the equivalent stage of the TV series isn’t really a struggle to cope with either), though a few stylistic and environmental changes lead many to conclude this was a direct sequel to End of Evangelion. 2.0 seemed content to build off of the intro but steer away from the relevant section of episodes – roughly 8 to 17. Recognisable moments like the falling Angel, the corrupted Unit 03 and the ribbon angel and Unit 01’s impossible reactivation share the screen with altered relationship dynamics. Now we get Mari one of the few wholly new characters who gets to open the second film in a wildly dramatic fashion. The key of Nebuchadnezzar (which does at least re-enter proceedings in the final film, but I am even shakier on what it is or used for – even fandom seem to have struggle to explain this as anything other than a blunt drop-in replacement for the Adam embryo in the TV series). And come the end its time for Third Impact already, Shinji altering the world around him to rescue Rei from the depths of an Angel. Kaworu uses an unfamiliar spear to incapacitate Shinji and the preview hints at a story further from the rails than ever. 3.0 is as promised more or less completely divorced from anything Eva had done before. Just not the off-the rails version 2.0 advertised. Some will be quick to note that none of the Rebuild previews have entirely accurately advertised their subsequent instalment; 1.0’s features at least one key scene that never happened (Mistao slapping Ristuko in a seeming allusion to the Sea of Dirac Angel) while even the sequences of animation that did make it look nothing alike. Which is fair, but even then 2.0’s bears absolutely no resemblance to 3.0 and even 3.0’s very strange preview doesn’t really jibe with 3.0+1.0 ultimately. 3.0 is post-post-apocalypse and with a whole 14 years just evaporated between films. There’s a distinct last third of Nadia feel to it. About the only part similar to a former incarnation is Kaworu and Shinji’s relationship which while not even roughly mapping to episode 24 serves the same function; to make Shinji distraught before the climax of this story. But 3.0 is also the point where that initial premise of the series slams headlong into the drift from familiar territory. Where the film is a quantum leap away from the mystery terms and slow reveals. The oddities and confusions pile up given the glimpsed state of the world, the strange gridded moon, the sea of Eva corpses, the strange state of Lilith in the depths of Nerv. An awful lot happened while Shinji was (for reasons no one has explained or seems to care about except me) IN SPACE and the film only ever alludes to the sequence of events occurring between these two films in the broadest of strokes. Which if done a certain way can be compelling though I did not find it to be the case here in the slightest. It’s a huge struggle to build up even a vague idea of what went down and that’s with heavy deferral back to the TV series again. If you’re new, none of this means much of anything. Even mixed media doesn’t help. The reveal there was a limited run manga of events prior to 3.0 had a potential for answers, but upon reading a synopsis... Nope. Helps not even a tiny amount. Also this mixed media attitude is never to be encouraged. So, I didn’t like film 3 much at all. Film 4 does little to not be based on where it left off. Which is a small mercy that it doesn’t effectively toss everything out again and skip further ahead in time. And 3.0+1.0 does at least make use of some of what 2.0 revealed and setup in the spirit of trying to get this into something cohesive. It fails, but it tried. Maybe the points it touches on were the intended direction of the films. Maybe Anno changed his mind on this one. It’s not like Rebuild’s failure to cohere should be a surprise – the title of the film is simply confusing in sequence. Titled neither 4.0 nor 4.44, instead we have the pretty inexplicable 3.0+1.0 which is just annoying to type. Even thematically this doesn’t feel right given its more like 2.0 mushed into 3.0 but I suppose that’s technically film 5 so... Unless, 1.0 here is supposed to mean the original TV series or EoE, which... End of Evangelion figures unexpectedly largely in the film. Could be that its meant to infer some collection of the Eva cast (the original pilots + Mari? The Ikari family + Mari? The pilots from 1.0 (Shinji and Rei) plus the pilots from 3.0 (Asuka and Mari)?). The other part of course, is that the three prior films had titles in the form of [Thing](Not)]Thing]. 3.0+1.0 decides to dispense with this entirely and instead is titled “Thrice Upon a Time”. Nothing like confusing matters (and instead media library ordering) by not only giving the film a title that puts it before the 3rd film (since prior to this cinema releases are .0 and the home media (excepting the first release of 1.0) are triple digits of their instalment number) but also has another reference to three within it. It might be some kind of holy trinity allusion, some play on Third Impact, or an acknowledgement that this is theoretically the third version of events surrounding the end of the world (if you take TV series as 1, EoE as 2, and Rebuild as 3). Also potentially a literary reference about cyclical time and messages from the future which is all well and good and fits into a whole other essay about how Rebuild and FFVII Remake are operating on the same basis and making many of the same mistakes by both trying to be fan-service for the new fans and draw in new ones and do the big fan-moments similarly but diverge wildly off in others. Good start! The final film starts with bombast as per 2 and 3 (and thus focused on Mari) though the setup and point of the action is possibly more confused and less explicable (which is saying something given 3.0 opened with retrieving Unit 01 from space. No, I will continue to complain about not getting this. Yes it was very exciting but why was Unit 01 in space? In a strange crucifix coffin. Anyone at all?) – and only vaguely connected to anything resembling the plot. At least 2.0 and 3.0 had some immediate and long term stakes with a cover for Kaji stealing something and bringing Shinji into the plot. This film opens with a scrounge for spare parts in a red Paris that the tertiary cast make no longer red while Mari fights off a massed horde of Evas while battleships are puppeteered from orbit. It’s all terrible cool and everything, but given at no point do we even begin to understand what is going on or what the stakes even are. Which is a problem with the latter half of the sequence. 2.0 might have started with an Eva vs Angel fight but while there was ambiguity over the situation it at least seemed to lead into the eventual plot. Here we’re getting Eva spare parts for later and a whole dose of new terminology the film has no interest in explaining. Which is par for the course for prior Eva incarnations but again, I feel there was more explanation setting the weirdness up. Here we are reduced to keywords that sound important. The film proper opens with our familiar trio of Eva pilots winding up at a village with their old classmates (which of course, to follow the proliferations of 3 all the way down and also match to Tokyo-3, is in fact, Village 3. The far future sequel to Resident Evil 8 presumably). Who are necessarily now 14 years older than them. Asuka is naked (in a sequence to contrast to 1.0 and 2.0) or in her underwear for far too much of this sequence (and just as creepy as 2.0 got with this) as Shinji struggles in the aftermath of Kaworu’s death, Ayanami (critically not the Rei of 2.0) learns about life (and visits a library with – I’m not kidding – a poster for Sugar Sugar Rune on display. I like to think not many in the audience caught this slightly odd reference). 30 minutes of the film are taken up with Rei being happy and contented with her life while Shinji slowly recovers and re-enters polite society (sulks, throws up at the sight of the DSS collar, is insulted and force-fed). There’s a good case for this section just being an unnecessary time filler, though you don’t need to fill time in a film that is 2 ½ hours. But if it was cut down, perhaps it would have the same strange feeling as 1.0 had where the aftermath of Shinji’s second Angel fight lead was mostly skipped and left that part of 1.0 feeling strangely hasty and actively (and badly) abridged. Maybe that’s just my familiarity with the source material again. There’s still an edge of weirdness in the air on the film hits the 45 minute mark; even prior to this gigantic sections of the land are missing, and some things just float around now (apparently because). Past this mark is where weirdness creeps in; the barriers keeping the village from suffering the fate of Paris – the structures a curious match to the Cocytus facility at the start of 2.0. There are headless Eva copies who roam the landscape. An indicator on Ayanami’s suit runs down. Shinji is advised to talk to his father before he loses the opportunity forever. This one made me laugh, and even Asuka comments that given who Shinji’s father is and what he’s done don’t really make this plausible (or sensible). Ayanami concludes her pastoral life and this stage of the film by transforming back to her original white plug-suit; her AT Field then dissipates and she bursts in a familiar spill of LCL. For such a previously central character, Rei or Ayanami or Lilith will have exceptionally little bearing on the remainder of the film. The plot now kicks in properly as Gendo decides enough is enough and he’s going to be doing some world ending. Our Eva pilots are ready but not the same; we have Asuka, Mari and Shinji. And standing orders for Shinji to be shot if he tries to pilot anything (but given we’re at the end of the world and basically the original plan fails to stop Nerv bringing about the end of the world, that people still try to shoot him is... a little weird and an almost pointless resolution of factors the quaternary cast brought up in 3.0). The entire rest of the film is even more impenetrable and confusing than Kaworu’s sweeping explanations of what happened between films 2 and 3. If 3.0 fumbled the ball on being newcomer friendly 3.0+1.0 actively doesn’t care. Not that familiarity with series helps since so much new terminology is thrown at the audience. The entire cast – literally the entire cast – are not only caught up on but also understand the varying levels of psychological, biological and religious nonsense that Eva has formerly wielded as something almost coherent. You, as audience member, are not privy to a fraction of this understanding and thus left to flail for the remainder of the film making what you can of the maddening breadcrumb trail of exclamations and partial explanations. Shinji is no help here and infuriatingly asks barely a single question about what is going on (thankfully he does prompt Gendo to explain a few things – presumably where even the staff had gotten lost on what was supposedly going on). For existing fans, you might get a sense of it by application of known quantities from the previous incarnations (I pity newcomers struggling to make sense of this). What the Lance of Cassius is a thing introduced abruptly into the series – and contrasted with the Lance of Longinus you can muddle through to get some idea of what was going on. 3.0+1.0 however, decides that even that grip on its story is too much and adds a bunch more unnamed spears. Some of them formed from Lilith. This is a thing of some import apparently, though ultimately is effectively buzzword name-checking. We know who Lilith is in context from both 1.0 and the TV series but how that relates to spear formation is beyond me. And then there’s the part where one of the flying ships (there were four made according to Seele’s plan. Seele, the former sinister puppet-masters, who died in film 3, and if the flying ships were their idea or this stated at all, I had totally forgotten it in the last 9 years (checking wikia seems to indicate no one else knew this either so I feel vindicated). Seele feel an artefact of the old Eva Anno has no time for – EoE had what equated to three groups vying for control of the process of human instrumentality. Seele are adhering to a prophecy of sorts, Gendo is trying to subvert that process for his own ends, and Misato is trying to stop it. In terms of economical story-telling, the distinction between Seele and Gendo’s goals in causing Third Impact are so slim as to be basically zero (few critical differences though), I suspect Seele were deemed unnecessary and shuffled out of proceedings hastily despite their continued name-checking at this late stage) is turned into another spear because if all the spears are used up, the end of the world can’t be averted. You will have to forgive me for failing to notice how and where most of these spears (save three) wound up or what most of that means or why or how or anything. But we have a budget to squander and why not channel the Gurren Lagann energy for action one last time? And there is some action, this presumably part of what a good section of the audience have waited for with baited breath, that thing the TV series so rapidly lost interest in; that EoE staged for narrative cruelty. Smashy giant robot action time! So we get billions of Eva enemies for Asuka and Mari to cut through without problem. They explode and fall away despite exhaustively overwhelming numbers. There is a palpable lack of threat here. A few hitches but nothing the pilots can’t cope with. It’s just empty fan-service, a boast about how much can be rendered into a single frame. We get Asuka, unable to stab critically important Unit 13 (looking distinctly Unit 01-like just with four arms), and then hooking into an odd leftover thread from 2.0. Her accident in the activation test of Unit 03 has left her with a part of herself now more correctly classified as an Angel. And like 2.0 for surprise value, her Eva has special Angel blood injectors to again overcharge her Eva (which seems to be a thing in the latter three films – turn the Eva safety off and go beserk. As if Unit 01 didn’t do that all on its own in the first and second film). And this too fails. But this too is just another moment of important and pretention. Where the audience is meant to gasp at Eva/Angel hybridisation (not that the dividing line between Angles and Evas is ever completely clear (not least Unit 03)), at Asuka revealing herself to be part Angel (as if Kaworu and Rei weren’t established examples). So her Eva bloated and animalistic is... just another moment. We saw this in 2.0 with Mari releasing her limiters. We saw it in 3.0 in almost the same way. The distinction isn’t meaningfully different to the last few times the Evas were let off the leash and became more brutal. And just like the prior times this escalation of Eva body horror, ferocity, blood and over-indulged violence doesn’t actually help the situation. Asuka fails in her task as the Unit 13 counter-attacks. She’s saved by getting pulled out of reality moments before her end. Of course this being narrative, this being Eva; Gendo, the architect of this situation, is three steps ahead. Misato’s flying ship is badly and perhaps critically damaged so Gendo can retrieve the limbless body of Unit 01 formerly powering the flying ship. Shooting Gendo doesn’t work thanks to the key of Nebuchadnezzar (which did... Uh. Something? Kaji noted it as the lost number kept as a spare in 2.0 which implied Angel or Eva or... No I don’t know nor can I make sense of what it’s done to Gendo. Wikia informs me that while it’s never seen on-screen past the one time, its case is in some shots of 3.0. How amazing) and he leaves. And thus, of course, Shinji must get in the f-ing robot once more. But we’re back to the confident, more certain Shinji who 2.0 birthed as we enter the last (but still very long) final stage of the film – and restage End of Evangelion. Curious of course; EoE by turns can feel like a legitimate replacement for the final two TV series episodes or a bleakly, darkly, disturbing and flippant retort to the low-budget metaphysic version of the TV apocalypse. EoE to some has been not so much the intended ending (though buying a complete set of the old Eva in Japan will always net you the 26 original TV episodes, the four amended episodes and EoE), but more a poisoned chalice for the people who wanted a less introspective version of the end of the world and the process of human instrumentality. Anno was free to do what he wanted and veer off the tracks here – he can’t get away from the end of the world – this is integral to Eva’s base concept. 2.0’s glimpse of Second and the starts of Third Impact depict a process completely unfamiliar from the TV series’s version (reading Wikia explains some of 2.0’s imagery but is still bewildering with reference to 3.0+1.0’s reveals). In Rebuild, the end of the world is staged in the space below the strange aftermath of Second Impact, in an anti-universe where humans cannot venture. And yet, we are still clearly revisiting End of Evangelion. Not exactly the same, but a lot of imagery (the symbols in the sky, the gigantic form of Lilith at multiple points, the crucifix explosions across Earth’s surface) – to say nothing of some actual sections of animation – are taken straight from the 1997 film. Those moments and images were haunting and disturbing (the more overtly sexualised imagery has been completely removed). Clearly no matter what was said at the time or in the interim, EoE is in fact how the ending must play out; this is, or has become, what happens externally and internally when these characters attempt to force a next stage of evolution. The End of Evangelion will always be the end. ...just not quite the same. Not least it is missing most of the infamous moments (Shinji in Asuka’s hospital room is notably completely absent). There’s no moment where Shinji strangles Asuka, Komm Susser Tod is missing entire (in favour of something similar sounding but in Japanese), the live-action sequences of the empty cinema or the world without Evas aren’t utilised (though some live action footage is included), Rei betraying Gendo and beginning Third Impact outside his control etc. It's actively absurd to type this, but Lilith – Lilith! – has less character here. Which is so astonishingly absurd given the only depiction of Lilith we get is effectively Rei/Rei was Lilith the entire time, but those introspective sequences hinting at something more involved with Rei or the points Lilith does talk directly to Shinji are gone too. This shouldn’t be a surprise – we are after all missing a Rei character at the climax. Mostly. 3.0+1.0 almost expects you to remember the last time you saw Eva end the world and contrast it to this new version. The EoE imagery, the footage of Lilith descending from the crucifix, the looming figure of Lilith rising as humanity ends. Even something like the sequence of the backsides of cels running backward is reused – this footage also cribbed from EoE and played out on a wall between two characters. The animation breaks down into scratchy storyboards and later degenerates from finished footage down to outlines, animatics, and storyboard. The end of the world is this time around is more heavily meta. Both EoE and the TV episodes “staged” the process of Instrumentality (or parts of it) for Shinji. It occurs in filming spaces and on sets, there’s lighting equipment and dolls as stand-ins. The strange artificiality of pulling back the curtain on the TV or film production, or else the effect of setting the camera back further than you should for filming a theatrical experience. But even that’s a false layer given a true pull-back would be to people in front of computers or previously drawing key-frames. Here the staging is more blunt still. It begins with an Eva vs Eva fight between Gendo and Shinji in the anti-universe where their brains make sense of the impossible space with artificially staged areas of familiar locations. A fight in a city has a huge sheet as a backdrop and carboard buildings the Evas kick around. They fight in front of Nerv headquarters and in Misato’s kitchen. A blow knocks over a section of scenery and sprawls Shinji in the studio space surrounding the set. A crossroads of sort where Shinji will move on from Gendo to meet with Rei, Kaworu and Asuka. The major difference to EoE is that the end here is much more concerned with Gendo; we dive into his psyche and his past. His isolation and desire for it. This feels extremely confessional for Anno all things considered given Gendo was always previously kept at arm’s length. This feels revealing about the man behind it all, a reflection of the director. He has admitted during production that at his stage of life he is far closer to Gendo than Shinji – I think this is barely obfuscated here. The flashback is more about understanding Gendo and how Yui changed him than anything about Evas or the end of the world. Gendo’s motivation is revealed to be the same as always; this is how he gets to be with Yui again. Odd details catch as this past plays out. And is that Mari in his memories? Mari, who Fuyustuki calls Mary Iscariot upon meeting her and has prepared something for her. Which feels much more like religious buzz words; there’s an obvious implication coached in that selection of a name, but how it actually relates to the story or the circumstances is really unclear. Nor am I clear on what Fuyutsuki prepared. He explodes into LCL like last time too. The process is so close to EoE but the mood is lighter and the reasoning behind the cast a little different. Asuka is part of a clone series – same as Rei. Just without the physical signifiers that Kaworu and Rei exhibit and the prior short-hand for clones in this universe (as noted, their design is intended to invoke lab rats). Nice consistency there. The beach ending from EoE is re-done under a blue sky; Asuka is saved thanks to Shinji and Mari working in concert. Kaworu’s beach meeting with Shinji is restaged, the newer, confident Shinji discussing the circular system that delivers Kaworu into his place at the end of the world. So Eva has happened before, meta-wise or time-wise or dimensionally. Take it as you will, no interpretation is more valid than another. Only that Kaworu remembers them all. It’s happened before and it’s expected to happen again. But Shinji’s different now, so the end of the world is different. Now it’s time to move on; Kaworu is left with Kaji to tend the earth assured the cycle of Eva productions is at an end – both have been dead all this time. Anno’s attitude to his seeming forever association with this one franchise his and his desire to set it down and move on? EoE finished in space; 3.0+1.0 finishes beneath the Antarctic. The idea of Unit 01 living forever as a testament to humanity is no factor at all Shinji intending (and his parents possibly driving) the final riddance of the Evas from reality – none can be allowed to remain. But now, the film takes an odd turn, and as with EoE, there’s the coda. In EoE this was the beach scene. For Rebuild: The sun shines, the sky is blue. An adult Shinji sits in a train station and meets with Mari. She’s older too now; the pair share a kiss and run from the station hand in hand. So. Uh. Yeah. That happened. There’s Kaworu and Rei seemingly alive and well as adults. And Asuka of course. But Shinji winds up with Mari. Mari who knew everything the whole time and might somehow have been part of Gendo’s group at university and known Yui and no, we are not getting any insight into those peculiarities! (or more plausibly it could be Mari’s mother who looks near identical to Mari but... What are we meant to take from this, really?). Mari who met Shinji in a handful of brief moments and has never spent any actual time with him. Mari won the love-triangle! But this is not some simple alternate reality, a different better take world where the cast existed in something resembling our reality; Shinji still wears the exploding DSS collar given to him before rejoining the giant robot fray. Mari effortlessly removes it from his neck. The film ends with a live-action sequence – this is reportedly Anno’s hometown. The world without Evas; we passed the relevant date while 3.0+1.0 was stalled. Shinji made it to 2014, or more plausibly past it in a world without Second Impact. And he’s happy, well-adjusted, and... Not really recognisable as Shinji. Shinji now exists in the present, not the future as he had for so long in pop-culture. But he’s in a different 2021; a world without the pandemic. And that was Rebuild; a project intended as a new introduction to Evangelion that blatantly had its entire core conceit revised at least twice (the 4th film delayed because of Shin Godzilla and then a struggle to write at all) that increasingly and confusingly leant more and more on its famed initial incarnation even as it veered increasingly and erratically away from the familiar sequences. I liked 3.0+1.0 more than 3.0, but can’t help but still bemoan whatever 3.0 was going to be when 2.0 happened. The alternate other sequence. And despite it all, despite the allusions to a repetition of Eva and of this being the break in the chain, even those working on and involved with the film see even this as a definitive end. Even Anno’s not convinced that’s the last word. Eva will come back all over again; naturally – there’s money to be made here, and what’s yet another alternate take to add to the TV series, the manga, the games, the other manga, EoE, Rebuild and so on. Kaworu apparently is indeed doomed to revisit this forever alongside everyone else and also remember that for once he was gifted a true end. An impossible conclusion for modern pop-culture it feels.

#long post

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adultsystem4 · 3 years

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salamandersofftheclock · 3 years

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Coffee Alternatives & Weaning

A Very Thorough Guide to Quitting Coffee and Other CaffeineHere’s the secret for how to quit caffeine—permanently or as a temporary break—without feeling terrible.

by John Fawkes · Mar 1, 2019 · · 10 min read ·

Caffeine Is Nice but Overrated

The positive effects of caffeine are real and valuable, but in this case, more is not better.

The mental benefits of caffeine are, for the most part, fully realized at very low doses. Consuming as little as 40 mg of caffeine can improve attention, alertness, vigilance, and reaction time. Higher doses of caffeine can actually be counterproductive from the standpoint of productivity or mental performance: after a certain point, more caffeine will cause anxiety, jitters, and brain fog, and the increase in energy level it produces can make it hard to stay still.

To give you some context, here’s the amount of caffeine in some common beverages, as reported by the Center for Science in the Public Interest:

One tall (12 oz.) Starbucks coffee, Pike Place Roast: 235 mg

One cup of Folgers ground coffee, House blend, made with 2 tablespoons of coffee: 60–80 mg

One 8 oz. cup of brewed green tea: 29 mg

One 20 oz. Diet Coke: 76 mg

One 8 oz. Red Bull: 80 mg

One 2 oz. 5-Hour Energy (or one caplet of Vivarin or NoDoze): 200 mg

Improvements in physical performance require higher doses of caffeine. Improvements in endurance start happening at dosages of 3 mg per kilogram of body weight, and sometimes even more is needed. Since most people weigh between 40 and 100 kg (1 kg = 2.2 lbs), a minimum of 120 to 300 mg of caffeine is needed to aid with distance running. Improvements in strength and power require even higher dosages, and many studies find that caffeine leads to no improvement at all. One research review found that 11 of 17 studies found a relationship between caffeine and improvements in power, and 6 of 11 studies found that caffeine was associated with improvements in strength. Of the studies that did show a benefit of caffeine usage before resistance training (weightlifting), the minimum dosage required was always at least 3 mg per kilogram of body weight, and sometimes as high as 6 mg/kg.What most people don’t realize is that the physical effects of caffeine are largely due to the placebo effect. So strong is this effect that it actually gets stronger the more caffeine subjects believe they’re consuming. In fact, there’s not even a plausible physical mechanism whereby caffeine could improve strength and power—it actually works primarily by boosting your motivation so that you push yourself harder, which you could potentially train yourself to do without caffeine. Studies also consistently find a greater benefit to caffeine usage early in the morning, when it works in part by banishing any remaining sleepiness from the night before.As you’ll see in a minute, it only takes 100 mg or so per day to start getting addicted to caffeine. With that in mind, usage is best limited to very low dosages, taken early in the morning and with an eye toward mental rather than physical benefits. How Bad Is Caffeine Addiction? This is really two questions: How easily can you get addicted to caffeine? and How much can excessive caffeine consumption hurt you? I’ll tackle the “How addictive is it?” question first. Caffeine’s Addictive Potential: Consuming as little as 1.5 mg per kilogram of body weight per day is enough to start building up a tolerance for caffeine. That means tolerance will start to build at a daily intake of somewhere between 70 and 150 mg per day. This amounts to roughly one cup of coffee a day or maybe two cups of relatively weak coffee or tea if you’re especially big.Once you build up a tolerance, you become dependent on caffeine just to function normally. Effectively, your baseline level of physical and mental performance goes down, and your usual caffeine dose is only enough to get you up to normal. So if you normally consume 100 mg per day, for instance, after a few weeks you’ll be subnormal without caffeine; 100 mg will get you functioning normally, but it will take an even higher dose to truly reap its benefits.Once your consumption rises to around 750 mg a day—the equivalent of 5 to 8 cups of coffee or 15 to 20 cups of tea—your tolerance will be complete. You’ll cease to get any benefit from caffeine, even at higher intakes. And, of course, the withdrawal will be … not fun.Withdrawal can begin to occur when you’re habitually consuming around 100 mg per day. On the plus side, while caffeine withdrawal is painful, it’s not dangerous. Also, some of caffeine’s withdrawal symptoms, just like some of its positive effects, are purely subjective—caffeine withdrawal does not significantly reduce cognitive ability, even though it almost always feels like it does. Why You Shouldn’t Be Consuming Much Caffeine Anyway Everyone knows that caffeine can disrupt your sleep, but most people vastly underestimate just how easily it can do so. The standard advice to stop consuming caffeine in the afternoon actually doesn’t go nearly far enough, because even a single moderate dose of caffeine consumed first thing in the morning—such as a double espresso or two cups of coffee—can measurably reduce the amount of time spent in deep sleep later that night.This reduction occurs despite the fact that by nighttime, the caffeine is almost entirely gone from your bloodstream; that is, its effects seem to last beyond the active life of caffeine itself. Note that a much smaller dose of caffeine consumed in the afternoon, like a can of soda, will also have been metabolized by this time and thus could be expected to have the same effect. Caffeine also causes anxiety—in fact, this is likely a secondary mechanism behind its sleep-inhibiting effects. Even 150 mg of caffeine, usually considered a moderate dose, will significantly increase anxiety levels in most people.Daily consumption of even lower doses of caffeine can have even worse long-term effects. If you regularly consume more than 100 mg a day, you’ll experience increased anxiety and have chronically elevated cortisol levels. Cortisol, of course, is known as the body’s main “stress hormone.” And while it’s not as bad of a hormone as it’s often made out to be—you want it to be high first thing in the morning, for instance—chronically elevated cortisol levels are one of the most reliable biomarkers of poor overall health.When your cortisol levels are consistently high, you’re likely to die sooner. As if that wasn’t bad enough, higher cortisol levels can also cut your ability to recover from exercise in half—meaning you’ll make half as much progress as you would with low cortisol and only be able to exercise half as much before experiencing symptoms of overtraining. With all that said, there is good news here. You don’t need to quit caffeine forever, but habitual users should go on a one- to two-week caffeine detox every so often. Thankfully, there’s a way to kick a caffeine addiction in one week with very little pain. The Good News: It’s Not That Hard to Quit Typical caffeine withdrawal symptoms include the following: Lethargy Increased heart rate Decreased motor activity (you don’t feel like moving much) Shakes or hand tremors Increased need to urinate (i.e., a diuretic effect) Skin flushing Flu-like symptoms In addition, the following symptoms can occur, but usually only after a person has been habituated to higher dosages (several hundred milligrams per day): Muscle aches and stiffness Constipation Joint pain Abdominal pain Nausea and/or vomiting Withdrawal symptoms usually set in about 12 to 24 hours after cessation of caffeine intake. Fortunately, it only takes about nine days to get over a caffeine addiction and reset your tolerance, and the worst of the withdrawal symptoms will usually be behind you after two to three days. Those first few days can be quite unpleasant, however.The good news is that there are a couple of things you can do to make the process—and particularly the first two days—easier, and in fact nearly painless. Surprisingly, a simple amino acid supplement can block the worst effects of caffeine withdrawal.Here’s how that works: While caffeine’s primary mechanism of action is inhibition of the depressant neurotransmitter adenosine, the most painful symptoms of caffeine withdrawal aren’t linked to this process. Among other things, caffeine causes the brain to overproduce three stimulant hormones and neurotransmitters: dopamine, epinephrine (adrenaline), and norepinephrine.All three of these chemicals are synthesized by the body from the amino acid tyrosine, which in turn is synthesized from the amino acid phenylalanine. The biosynthesis pathway looks like this: Phenylalanine → tyrosine → L-Dopa → dopamine, epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine Chronic caffeine usage can therefore deplete the brain’s stores of tyrosine and phenylalanine, two amino acids that act as building blocks for dopamine and adrenaline. This depletion is partly responsible for caffeine tolerance, as well as some of the more painful side effects of caffeine withdrawal—which is why research shows that phenylalanine and tyrosine depletion reduces the effectiveness of stimulants. As such, it is unsurprising that anecdotally, many people find that supplementing either tyrosine or phenylalanine can make recovery from caffeine addiction (and probably addiction to other dopamine-producing drugs) faster and easier. You might also recognize phenylalanine as an ingredient in diet sodas: a 12 oz. can of Diet Coke, for example, contains 104 mg of phenylalanine, one of the components of aspartame.Of the two recommended supplements—tyrosine and phenylalanine—I recommend phenylalanine, in the form of DL-phenylalanine (abbreviated DLPA), over tyrosine. Since each step in the synthesis pathway described above is irreversible, taking phenylalanine will restore your tyrosine levels as well, whereas taking tyrosine won’t directly restore your phenylalanine levels. DL-phenylalanine is a mixture of the left and right isomers of phenylalanine, and because your brain uses both, it’s best to supplement with a mix of the two. The other thing you can do to make the withdrawal process easier is replace your caffeine habit with another habit. According to The Power of Habit, the seminal book on habit change, it’s almost impossible to simply get rid of a habit without replacing it with something else. It is far more effective to replace that habit with something else that you can do at the same time and under the same circumstances as your old habit.What this means for caffeine is that you should replace your usual caffeine source with a decaffeinated version of the same thing. This decaffeinated substitute should also be available from the same sources from which you’re used to getting your caffeine. So if you normally have coffee at home, instead have decaf at home. If you normally get Diet Coke from 7–11, instead get caffeine-free Diet Coke if your store has it; otherwise, go for diet root beer, which is the closest thing to decaffeinated diet cola. Part 1 of 3

#fifth precept #quitting coffee #quitting caffeine #addiction ref

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edgarbright · 5 years

Text

[ Zero's route | Part 24 spoilers ]

Oh my god, fam, oh my goodness

Don't expect this to be coherent but do expect it to be long because I'm bursting with emotions right now

Spoiler mentions from Sirius and Edgar’s routes

THIS IS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED BUT NEVER EVEN EXPECTED TO HAVE. I didn’t know this was something I could even ASK for.

My five favorite guys teaming up for the battle at the top of the Magic Tower. ALL FIVE OF THEM, NO MORE, NO LESS!

I literally decorated my room like this months ago to make this image but never had reason to use it-- until now!

Before I jump into part 24, let's go back a few parts for a second! All the events building up to this battle were marvelous.

The themes for this route are all about saving, rescuing, helping, belonging, loving.

And the bonds of trust.

Lancelot saves Alice from the Magic Tower, from himself, by directing Edgar to change assignment orders and send Zero to "help" him. Lancelot trusts Zero so much that he trusted Zero to betray him. He trusted Zero to do the right thing.

MY HEART IS BURSTING WITH LOVE FOR MY KING! T_T

Zero saves Alice from Lancelot at the Magic Tower's front door. He promised to protect her. He wanted to protect her. So he threw away everything to do so.

Harr saves Alice from the forest. Harr is "repenting for his sins" in regards to Zero and wouldn't have made a move if Zero hadn't agreed to it. But Zero realized he had to trust him. More so, Zero may have vaguely remembered him (per His POV) and knew he could trust him.

Harr and Alice go to save Zero from the Magic Tower. Alice already trusts Harr. Fun fact: Alice is ALWAYS quick to trust Harr in every route. (Then again, she’s quick to trust just about anyone so lol) I loved that we got a moment at Harr’s house and finally met Loki! It was a sweet little family moment. My belief has always been that Zero is also part of Harr’s “family” too and I was not disappointed! Zero carrying on Harr’s lollipop kindness. My heart. T_T

I would love it if Edgar got his candy addiction from Zero giving him candy for the first time and then it just got out of control (lol). No evidence yet but the route isn’t over...!

The truth about Zero reveal: I had already surmised as much because too many people in this fandom hint at spoilers like it’s their job but it still hurt to read about. The flashbacks to Zero as a child in the Tower are honestly painful. Also knowing that Harr would have been about 15 during those flashbacks, we now have one child trying to stay kind and show kindness to another child in a cruel environment and T_T Harr just wanted to study magic to make the world a better place, and instead he got wrangled into a world of child abuse and torture... And he’s still seeking to repent after twelve years for not saving Zero back then...

Edgar saves Alice from her prison cell. Good lordy God bless. Before that we saw him basically running Red Army HQ with Lancelot gone and Jonah at the front. Beautiful. Edgar is nothing BUT trustworthy in Zero's entire route. When Zero isn't around to protect Alice, such as at the party, he trusts Edgar to do it and Edgar does it spectacularly because Edgar is, in fact, the best.

As Dean so wonderfully stated earlier: Edgar is great at taking care of other people.

AND THAT’S THE TEA! Don’t let anyone tell you Edgar is anything but loving!

Edgar realizes Alice wants to come along with him to save Zero. Edgar trusts Alice to know what is best for her. He trusts Alice cares for Zero as much as Edgar cares for Zero, so they'll work together. BEAUTIFUL. I love my man acknowledging Alice’s strength!

Lancelot causing the explosion was somewhat expected. He’d vanished earlier and I KNEW he had to be up to something, somewhere.

And that moment when he betrayed Amon!? HOT DAMN I LOVE MY KING, Y’ALL!! A shame his attack didn’t work but I am ALL about that rescue-Lancelot lifestyle! Harr is too as we’ll see shortly lmao

Edgar saves Lancelot by evening the odds. THE TRUST BETWEEN THEM COMES FULL CIRCLE. I'm STILL buzzing over that goddamn moment chapters earlier when Edgar comes upon Lancelot kidnapping Alice from Red Army HQ. I honestly couldn't tell if Edgar would have followed commands or fight back, but you could tell he was wrestling with it. If Lancelot had forced him to follow orders, that would have been the ultimate betrayal considering Edgar is already pact-bound to be an obedient dog. Lancelot instead has Alice locked away so he can talk to Edgar 1:1. Lancelot might not have told him the whole truth but Edgar is intelligent enough to put the pieces together himself. He often does so in other routes without prompting.

Edgar and Alice save Zero together. EDGAR’S PLATONIC LOVE IS GIVEN EQUAL FOOTING AS ALICE’S ROMANTIC LOVE!! That moment when Zero was still holding out against Alice's pleading and Edgar just round-house kicks him to the ground and puts a sword to his neck and just DEMANDS Zero to think about who he is, what he wants, why he wields his sword!

HOT DAMN YOU TELL HIM, EDGAR! I LOVE EDGAR SO FREAKING MUCH!

My heart hurts so much for Zero, who was robbed, even temporarily, of all that love by the Magic Tower T_T They tossed him away, he found a place to belong, and they tore that from him. The absolute cruelty.

And then surprise! Loki saves Harr from imprisonment! Harr is no damsel in distress so I was wondering if our current team was going to have to rescue him later, or if he was going to rescue himself. But he absolutely deserved to be at the final fight AND I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED! The second that ??? for the speaker showed up I was just !!!!!

Basically Edgar and then Harr’s appearances got me like:

So now we have a Lancelot, Edgar, Alice, Harr, and Loki team-up vs. Amon and Dalim! Operation Stop Amon and Save Zero is in full effect!

And holy shi-- The moment when Amon starts using Zero's tattoo to hurt him was brutal. It was bad enough when Dalim did it in front of Zero’s soldiers but here they are at it again in front of all the people who care about Zero the most.

Personally, I think it's wild that some people claim Ikevamp is darker than Ikerev. The Ikevamp cast talk about dark plots but the Ikerev cast deal directly with war, murder, betrayal, coercion, kidnapping, child abuse, child neglect, torture, PTSD, depression, child abandonment, and more. It just wraps them up in a prettier, brighter package.

But moving on!

Alice saves Zero from Amon. I love all the flashbacks. I love Alice's promise to Zero. I love how she guards his neck to keep him from hurting himself and how she'll protect him. How they’ll protect each other. It hurt so bad but felt so good.

(Mockingjay Part 2 was on TV last night so I already got a heavy dose of Peeta and Katniss angst and how they always protect each other -- “It’s what we do” -- so I was primed for the feels between Zero and Alice here.)

At some point Alice also shows sympathy for Dalim and that struck a cord with me as well. I was actually wondering what the point of Dalim has been, as a potential suitor, since he's just been acting like a second-rate Amon this whole time, being just as villainous and coercing Lancelot the same as Amon. But seeing Amon abusing Dalim, too, and having Dalim continue to fight even when he was in such bad shape just gives me a throw-back to Edgar, who continues to follow his uncle's orders even at the cost of hurting himself. Although that Dalim used Zero's tattoo to hurt him is a big F-NO so he's got lots of redeeming to do lol

Lancelot and Harr (LANCELOT AND HARR, TOGETHER, ALLIES, FRIENDS!!) save Edgar, Alice, and Loki from the collapsing building. Lancelot and Harr aren’t antagonists in this route! HARR ONLY HAS TO SAY LANCELOT’S NAME AND LANCELOT KNOWS WHAT HE MEANS AND WHAT THEY NEED TO DO!

Harr: Lancelot!

Lancelot: Yeah!

Lancelot and Harr used their magic to shield us from the falling debris.

THAT'S IT THAT'S ALL THE CONVERSATION THEY NEED AND THEY ARE IMMEDIATELY IN UNISON. My heart is bursting with love and happiness from such a small moment. I hope we get some follow-up after this omg

(As a salty aside, this is leagues different to when Harr shows up in Sirius's route and Sirius is just like, "What are you doing here???" and then Sirius gives Loki the third-degree with all that mistrust.)

BUT MOVING ON!

That final CG with Zero makes my heart bleed. He looks so sad and so tired, but he’s alive.

Zero: I'm home.

Alice: Welcome home!

I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING!!!

I love Zero so much. A lot. In abundance. The love and relief is so palpable at this moment. Alice and Zero have such a beautiful love story.

Part 24 took me over a half hour to read which is twice as long as usual and every second of it was a PLEASURE. Just a few days left until I’m done with the whole route and it’s honestly shaping up to be one of the best in any otome. It’s adapted a lot of elements from other routes and made them it’s own to great effect. Just a fantastic, well-rounded story with a beautifully heart-warming romance. Bless bless bless!!

#my ikerev #ikerev zero #zero's route #zero route spoilers #ikerev spoilers #when i say rambling i mean rambling

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trishmishtree · 4 years

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[Current as of March 13, 2020]

Dr. Shahed (screenshot above) is an emergency department physician in Ohio who shared this post on Facebook. It’s an account of COVID-19 from the perspective of an ICU doc working on the frontlines in Seattle. Some of my laypeople-friends were sharing it around (and I’ve seen it floating around on twitter and various internet forums], but I noticed that it’s really dense and contains a lot of medical abbreviations and jargon, like it was meant more for other physicians and isn’t really useful for the average reader. So I thought I’d provide a translation for my non-medblr followers who are looking to stay informed. (If you want further clarification, feel free to drop me an ask)

***

This is from a front-line ICU physician in a Seattle hospital

This is his personal account:

We have 21 patients and 11 deaths since 2/28.

We are seeing patients who are young (20s), fit, no comorbidities, critically ill. It does happen.

US has been past containment since January

Currently, all of ICU is for critically ill COVID patients, all of med-surg [medical-surgical] floors are for stable COVID patients and end-of-life care, half of PCU [progressive care unit], half of ER. New Pulmonary Clinic offshoot is open for patients with respiratory symptoms

CDC is no longer imposing home quarantine on providers who were wearing only droplet-isolation PPE when intubating, suctioning, bronching, and in one case doing bloody neurosurgery. Expect when it comes to your place you may initially have staff home-quarantined. Plan for this NOW. Consider wearing airborne-isolation PPE for aerosol-generating procedures in ANY patient in whom you suspect COVID, just to prevent the mass quarantines.

We ran out of N95s (thanks, Costco hoarders) and are bleaching and re-using PAPRs [powered air purifying respirators], which is not the manufacturer’s recommendation. Not surprised on N95s as we use mostly CAPRs [controlled air purifying respirators] anyway, but still.

Terminal cleans (including UV light) for ER COVID rooms are taking forever, Environmental Services is overwhelmed. This is bad, as patients are stuck coughing in the waiting room. Recommend planning now for Environmental Service upstaffing, or having a plan for sick patients to wait in their cars (that is not legal here, sadly).

CLINICAL INFO (based on our cases and info from CDC conference call today with other COVID providers in US):

The Chinese data on 80% mildly ill, 14% hospital-ill, 6-8% critically ill are generally on the mark. Data [in the US] very skewed by late and very limited testing, and the number of our elderly patients going to comfort care.

Being young & healthy (zero medical problems) does not rule out becoming vented or dead

Probably the time course to developing significant lower respiratory symptoms is about a week or longer (which also fits with timing of sick cases we started seeing here, after we all assumed it was endemic as of late Jan/early Feb).

Based on our hospitalized cases (including the not-formally-diagnosed ones who are obviously COVID – it is quite clinically unique), about 1/3 of patients have mild lower respiratory symptoms and need 1-5L NC [1-5 liters of oxygen per minute, via nasal cannula]. 1/3 are sicker, need face mask or non-rebreather. 1/3 are intubated with ARDS [acute respiratory distress syndrome].

Thus far, everyone is seeing:

normal WBC [white blood cell] count. Almost always lymphopenic, occasionally poly [neutrophil]-predominant but with normal total WBC count. Doesn’t change, even 10 days in.

Bronchoalveolar lavage: lymphocytic despite blood being lymphopenic. (Try not to bronch these patients; this data is from pre-testing time when we had several idiopathic ARDS cases)

Fevers, often high, may be intermittent; persistently febrile, often for >10 days. It isn’t the dexmed, it’s the SARS2.

Low procalcitonin; may be useful to check initially for later trending if you are concerned later for VAP [ventilator-associated pneumonia], etc.

Elevated AST/ALT, sometimes alkaline phosphatase. Usually in 70-100 range. No fulminant hepatitis. Notably, in our small sample, higher transaminitis [elevated AST/ALT] (150-200) on admission correlates with clinical deterioration and progression to ARDS. LFTs [liver function tests] typically begin to bump in 2nd week of clinical course.

Mild AKI [acute kidney injury] (creatinine <2). Uncertain if direct viral effect, but notably SARS2 RNA fragments have been identified in liver, kidneys, heart, and blood.</li>

Characteristic chest x-ray: always bilateral patchy or reticular infiltrates, sometimes peri-hilar despite normal ejection fraction and volume down at presentation. At time of presentation may be subtle, but always present, even in our patients on chronic high dose steroids. NO effusions.

CT is as expected, rarely mild mediastinal lymphadenopathy, occasional small effusions late in course, which might be related to volume status/cap leak.

Note - China is CT'ing everyone, even outpatients, as a primarily diagnostic modality. However, in US/Europe, CT is rare, since findings are nonspecific, would not change management, and the ENTIRE scanner and room have to be terminal-cleaned, which is just impossible in a busy hospital. Also, transport in PAPRs, etc.

2 of our patients had CTs for idiopathic ARDS in the pre-test era; they looked like the CTs in the journal articles. Not more helpful than chest x-ray.

When respiratory failure occurs, it is RAPID (likely 7-10 days out from symptom onset, but rapid progression from hospital admission). Common scenario for our patients is: admit on 1L/min oxygen via nasal cannula. Next 12 hrs escalate to NPPV [non-invasive positive pressure ventilation]. Next 12-24 hrs → vent/proned/Flolan.

Interestingly, despite some needing Flolan, the hypoxia is not as refractory as with H1N1. Quite different, and quite unique. Odd enough that you’d notice and say hmmm.

Thus far many are dying of cardiac arrest rather than inability to ventilate/oxygenate.

Given the inevitable rapid progression to ETT [endotracheal tube, aka intubation] once respiratory decompensation begins, we and other hospitals, including Wuhan, are doing early intubation. Face mask is fine, but if patients are needing HFNC [high-flow nasal cannula] or NPPV [non-invasive positive pressure ventilation], just tube them. They definitely will need a tube anyway, and no point risking the aerosols.

No MOSF [multi-organ system failure]. There’s the mild AST/ALT elevation, maybe a small creatinine bump, but no florid failure. Exception is cardiomyopathy.

Multiple patients here have had normal EF [ejection fraction] on formal Echo or POCUS [point-of-care ultrasound] at time of admission (or in a couple of cases, EF 40ish, chronically). Also normal troponins from emergency department. Then they get the horrible respiratory failure, sans sepsis or shock. Then they turn the corner, come off Flolan, supined, vent weaning, looking good, never any pressor requirement. Then over 12 hrs, newly cold, clamped, multiple-pressor shock that looks cardiogenic, EF 10% or less. Then either VT [ventricular tachycardia, aka V-tach] → VF [ventricular fibrillation, aka V-fib] → dead, or PEA [pulseless electrical activity] → asystole in less than a day. Needless to say, this is awful for families who had started to have hope.

We have actually had more asystole than VT. Other facilities report more VT/VF, but same time course, a few days or a week after admission, around the time they’re turning the corner. This occurs on med-surg patients too. One today, who is elderly and chronically ill but with baseline EF preserved, became newly hypotensive overnight, EF <10. Already no escalation, has since passed. So presumably there is a viral cardiomyopathy aspect, which presents later in the course of disease.

Of note, no wall motion abnormalities on Echo, right ventricular function preserved, troponins don’t bump. Could be unrelated, but I’ve never seen anything like it before, especially in a patient who had been hemodynamically stable without sepsis.

TREATMENT:

Remdesivir might work, some hospitals have seen improvement with it quite rapidly, marked improvement in 1-3 days. ARDS trajectory is impressive with it, patients improve much more rapidly than expected in usual ARDS.

Recommended course is 10 days, but due to scarcity, all hospitals have stopped it when the patient is clinically out of the woods. None have continued >5 days. It might cause LFT bump, but interestingly seem to bump (200s-ish) for a day or 2 after starting, then rapidly back to normal, suggests this is not a primary toxic hepatitis.

Unfortunately, the Gilead compassionate use and trial programs require AST/ALT <5x normal, which is pretty much almost no actual COVID patients. Also CrCl [creatinine clearance] >30, which is fine. CDC is working with Gilead to get LFT requirements changed now that we know this is a mild viral hepatitis.

Currently the Gilead trial is wrapping up, NIH trial still enrolling, some new trial soon to begin, can’t remember where.

Steroids are up in the air. In China, usual clinical practice for all ARDS is high dose methylprednisolone. Thus, ALL of their patients have had high dose methylprednisolone. Some question whether this practice increases mortality.

It is likely that it increases secondary VAP/HAP [ventilator-associated pneumonia/hospital-acquired pneumonia]. China has had a high rate of drug-resistant GNR [Gram-negative rod] HAP/VAP and fungal pneumonia in these patients, with resulting increases in mortality. We have seen none, even in the earlier patients who were vented for >10 days before being bronch’ed (prior to test availability. Again, it is not a great idea to bronch these patients now).

Unclear whether VAP-prevention strategies are also different [in China vs US], but wouldn’t think so?

Hong Kong is currently running an uncontrolled trial of HC 100IV Q8 [hydrocortisone 100 mg IV every 8 hours].

General consensus here (in US among doctors who have cared for COVID patients) is that steroids will do more harm than good, unless needed for other indications.

Many of our patients have COPD on ICS [inhaled corticosteroids]. Current consensus at Evergreen, after some observation & some clinical judgment, is to stop ICS if able, based on known data with other viral pneumonias and increased susceptibility to HAP. Thus far patients are tolerating that, no major issues with ventilating them that can’t be managed with vent changes. We also have quite a few on AE-COPD [acute exacerbation of COPD]/asthma doses of methylprednisolone, so will be interesting to see how they do.

#medblr #covid-19 #long post

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elinaline · 4 years

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Got tagged by @mixmio thanks ! my brain does not want to focus on work these days so perfect

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

it’s like. black. I rarely use it though, because if I brush my hair it looks like a bomb exploded on my head fdjkfh so I untangle it after putting in conditioner and usually I just fight it with my bare hands in the morning

2. name of a food you never eat?

cucumber. fuck that vegetable it’s disgusting way too smelly and the texture is fucking horrible

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

too warm !!!!!! and it’s only gonna get worse (: woohoo

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

I was being anxious lmao, and weirdly emotional because of that playlist spotify gave me. Also thinking about how to formulate the things I want on my report for my precedent internship that I still need to conclude.

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

is it twix ? is it mars ? I never know the difference carambar good also

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

I used to be in the official orchestra of a professional rugby team so I’ve been to a few dozens official sports events actually !! I’ll always remember the patrouille the France oing over our head as we were playing for a France-Ireland match in Bordeaux, that was amazing, and Irish rugby fans are so fun :)

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

“oh it’s bubbling up !” talking about a cake I’m trying to do with sourdough starter

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

fucking uuuhhhhh blueberry ? there’s no better ice cream taste than one made from wild blueberries that you went out in the moutain to pick with your family after noticing a good spot during a hike :3

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

orange juice 5mins ago

10. do you like your wallet?

yeah ? it’s convenient I.... it’s got lots of pockets ? idk it’s sturdy wh. that’s a weird question actually

11. what was the last thing you ate?

lunch made by my roommate ! also a bit of the paste from aforementioned cake lol

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

no I don’t intend on buying new clothes until a loooonnnngggg time I don’t particularly need any plus like. quarantine lol.

13. last sporting event you watched?

uh.

the. no wait ? no that’s it probably bits of the tour de france last summer ?

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

there are different flavors between salt and sugar ???????????? anyways salted popcorn is absolutely disgusting so. sugar. there are different flavors ? what a wild world we live in

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

@breadstyx I was talking to them about the cake

16. ever go camping?

rarely

we were supposed to go camping this weekend, since it’s a long one what with May 8, with my class as sort of like one last big event altogether but :) fuck us I guess lol

17. do you take vitamins?

I used to in highschool bc I had toxoplasmosis and it fucking drained me. I’ve also taken some magnesium complements this year because I had vertigo caused by stress because it was such a nice year for me (: (: (:

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

LMAOOOOO NO

19. do you have a tan?

I’ve been stuck inside for the last two months and there is basically no direct sun in my apartment. so. I’m white as fuck rn

I’ll get SO sunburnt as soon as I can go outside lol but catch me rolling in the grass as soon as they reopen the parks, I haven’t seen grass in 52 days fuck off. Like knowing we’d get out of quarantine but that the parks would still be closed for a while did a funny number on my mental health hahaaaa

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

I’m not a big Chinese food fan generally :/ also what kind of pizza are we talking about ?

21. do you drink soda with a straw?

before I answer this question I need to know what you define as soda because I’ve never understood what non French people meant by that. also generally I don’t use straws apart for like milkshakes and smoothies

22. what colour socks do you wear?

right now I’m barefoot

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I haven’t driven in years my guy fdkfh but usually no I’m exactly at the speed limit I’m terrified of driving and I hate it SO

24. what terrifies you?

like, right now, or ? in general ? I’m terrified of every countries around slowly turning into authoritarian regimes and not being able to do shit, I’m terrified of the general mistrust towards science I can see in the general public, I’m terrified of the rise of fascism, I’m terrified of climate change in a very short term idea because I can’t bear many more summers above 45°C and in the long term because I’d like today’s kids to have a future, I’m terrified of never being enough and not getting a PhD funding, I’m terrified people will get bored of me or think I’m not useful anymore and leave me and I’d have to rebuild myself from zero again, I’m terrified of the general idea of losing control, I’m terrified of big empty spaces, I’m terrified of causing harm of any kind without being able to control or reduce it. You know the usual dose of existential fear and then some, and then some more for good measure haha :)

25. look to your left what do you see?

a calendar

26. what chore do you hate?

doing the dishes and getting the bin out because it hurts my back

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

":)” loved going to Melbourne would love to go back I miss my friend there

28. what’s your favourite soda?

seriously define soda first. If you mean drink with bubble I don’t like any of them basically. If you mean processed drink with an average of five sugar cubes per can I’d say Oasis ? or Ice Tea

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

never been to a drive through. fast foods yeah ! there used to be a Declercq (it’s like belgian fries, v good, v greasy, perfect for a friday night with friends) near my school but they had an oil fire so it burned down :( so now the alternative for greasy fries is BK

30. who was the last person you talked to?

@breadstyx whom I sent a message to about the cake. IRL I live with my roommate so.

t31. favourite cut of beef?

one that’s tender ? you think I know perfectly which cut is what and not that I don’t buy the cheapest one when I feel like polluting a lot with what I eat ?

32. last song you listened to?

I’m currently listening to a spotify playlist. I’s currently playing hang on

Willow tree by twin wild i’ve never heard of these guys but ok

33. last book you read?

oh fuck I’m in a “unable to read” period lmao. Probably one of the October Daye series uh. The one where her mom comes to steal her fiance and her twin

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihfedcba

took a while but I think it’s correct ? It’s like. I know sequences that are easy to invert and I need to link them together that’s the tricky part

35. how do you like your coffee?

black

36. favourite pair of shoes?

Before I bought my docks I had those huge bulgy shoes that I loved because no one could step on my feet in the metro, but the insole started caving in in a weird way and it hurt my ankle so I had to stop wearing them :(

37. the time you normally go to bed?

(: NORMALLY around midnight, but rn it’s more like. between 1 and 2 am when I’m not too bad

38. the time you normally wake up?

NORMALLY around 8 but I’ve decided 9.30 would be good, and I usually am able to get up only by 10am

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

I’m usually not awake for sunrises but both are good. I like the hour JUST after sunset best because it’s like. you can see daysky on one side and nightsky on the other, and everything is sort of blue or sort of orange

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re round and kinda concave so that food doesn’t get out ? I? do you have many weird questions like that

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I’m a sucker for a good piña colada but it’s hard to get them exactly right, like the balance between too sweet and too creamy is subtle

43. do you play cards?

in highschool I used to but I’ve forgotten all the game we’d do

44. what colour is your car?

don’t have one

45. can you change a tire?

lmao

46. your favourite province?

If we’re talking french region, Aquitaine is the closest I’ve ever felt to being home I guess ? I love the Pyrenées as well, all three old regions I don’t know the new ones fdfsdhfsdf

47. favourite job you’ve had?

I’ve only ever done summer camp counselor as a summer job, and I’ve had both a traumatising experience filled with sexual harassment and a really good experience that helpes me get more self confident so.

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

it’s not really a scar it’s a bump on my head that never left, I hit my brother in the garden pool at full speed when I was 7

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

afaik nothing but I’m about to put this cake to bake SO

I am tagging uuuuuuuuuhhh say @sunny-day-sky andddd @queerlynx but like. don’t feel pressured to do it, it’s a Lot

#tag game #long post

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gay-defined · 6 years

Text

FtM Passing Tips Master List

Notes:

-All prices are in USD. There are free online calculators to change USD to Euros, Canadian Dollars, etc.

- These are from personal experience, YouTubers like Kalvin Garrah and Chase Ross, and research.

GC2B is a great place to get binders. For my gf and I, it’s one of the only places we trust.

Price: ~$30

Classic Packy aka Mr.Limpy from FtM Essentials. Cheapest packer money can buy.

Price: $12

These are more expensive than a classic packer, but I personally really want one: an STP (Stand To Pee). An STP is a packer that you can pee out of while standing. You can use public urinals and others would be none the wiser.

Price: ~$80

For Packing: You can buy packing underwear from many different sites. Fair warning: Packing underwear with rings can break some packers. Be cautious. If you can’t buy packing underwear briefs are tight enough to hold your packer in place

Price: Vary.

Boxers: American Eagle and Calvin Klein are good brands. I honestly LOVE TomboyX. They’re gender neutral underwear in many lengths and patterns. They’re super soft and pretty affordable.

Price: Vary

Equate Hair Re-Growth Treatment for Men. Apply to the areas you want hair on according to the directions, like your face, legs, arms, chest, and stomach. I’m planning on getting this for myself tbh.

Price: $25 on Amazon as of 12-4-18

Around Christmas time is the perfect time to buy cologne, men's deodorant, body wash, etc. Wal-Mart sells gift sets with one or all three of these for relatively cheap.

Price: $10-$30

Haircuts are an obvious one. What works for most people is short on the sides (you could do a 3-2-1-0 fade) and long on top. When getting it cut ask them to square off the sides as that is typically a more masculine thing.

If you can’t cut your hair beanies and snapbacks can be great for hiding your hair in. But be cautious, sometimes, it can bring out the feminine shape of your face.

Voice: Don’t force it! It will not sound natural and be a dead give away. Those posts saying to tilt your head only work for about 1 minute. Try stretching your neck, it can help. Also, try consciously lowering your voice little by little, eventually it will come naturally. Also, don’t talk super fast or be flamboyant. Try being more monotone.

Clothes: If you can’t bind, baggy clothes can help hide your figure. Hoodies too. Dark shirts are better than light shirts. Bigger pants. Skinny jeans will not help, especially if you pack (it might look like you have a boner 24/7) Baseball shirts can help your shoulders look broader. Patterned shirts can also help hide your chest.

-Finding Your Mens Pant Size: Pant sizes in men’s go by inches. It’s the inches around your waist and the length of your legs. For example, my pant size is 28”- 29”.

Binding: If you can’t get a binder, layering sports bras will help. You can layer NO MORE THAN 2!! As everyone says, do not use ace bandages! There is a company that makes binding bandages that are safe for trans people. I don’t know much else about them though.

-Binder Rules: Don’t sleep in a binder. Don’t wear for longer than 8 hours. Stretch often. Make sure you can take a deep breath. If you want to exercise or swim in a binder, you can (contrary to popular belief), just make sure that binder is one size bigger than your normal size. If you can’t fit it over your head and shoulders easily, it’s too small. Don’t force it on.

Posture and Walking: For your posture, slouching is good. Widen your stride and walk slower. Be more assertive with your actions. Women’s elbows are more flexible than men’s so women tend to swing their arms around more, don’t do that. When holding things, keep your arms to your side. Also, men have a certain bounce to their step and tend to not sway their hips. Just observe guys as they walk and try to imitate it.

Sitting: Man spread. Don’t cross your legs and don’t let your knees touch.

Shark Week: On your “shark week” don’t wear boxers (unless you use tampons). They do not work with pads. Wear briefs instead. Another option is to wear briefs or womens underwear with a pad on under boxers.

If you can’t afford a packer there are a few amazing DIY’s on Youtube by Chase Ross and HeyIt’sGrayson.

One tip to relieve dysphoria is to take off your shirt from behind and over your head. Like all those hot guys in movies.

T and Surgery Costs

Testosterone: $12-$26 per dose. Price Per Month: >$24-$120< depending on how often you get the shot. If you’re diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a medical care provider, insurance should cover the cost.

-Testosterone should be given every 2-4 weeks. Could be more or less.

Top Surgery: The price can range from $3,500 - $9,000 USD. May or may not include consultation fees. A down payment is normally required to secure a surgery date. This down payment can range from $500- $2,000 USD

Bottom Surgery: FtM Bottom Surgery can be more than $50,000 USD

-There are two different types of bottom surgery: Phalloplasty and Metoidioplasty.

Phalloplasty uses a skin graft to create a penis (usually from your arm). It’s done when your clit growth isn’t big enough to work with.

“Phalloplasty surgery can provide a sensate penis, with erotic and/or tactile sensation, as well as rigidity for sexual intercourse (usually with a penile implant) and the ability to stand to urinate.”

Metoidioplasty works off your clit growth if it’s big enough. From what I know, it is just used to make your clitoris growth bigger.

“Metoidioplasty it to increase the size of the clitoris.”

If you’re diagnosed, insurance will pay for most or all of the cost of bottom and top surgery and testosterone.

Foods that Increase Testosterone:

Oyster

Spinach

Eggs

Tuna

Almonds

Pomegranate

Asparagus

Honey

Bananas

Pumpkin Seeds

Cabbage

Avacado

Egg Yolk

Watermelon

Cruciferous Vegetables (Cauliflower, Cabbage, Brussel Sprouts, Garden Cress, Bok Choy, Broccoli, etc.)

Brazil Nut

Grapes

Citrus Fruits (Orange, Lemon, etc.)

Meat

Salmon

Ginger

Beans

Raisins

Garlic

Oatmeal

Ginseng

Olive Oil

If you know anything else, feel free to add on!

CONTACT INFO Instagram @little.boi.bluee or @pride.never.dies Tumblr This account Google Hangouts [email protected]

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unified-multiversal-theory · 4 years

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by Lauren Rowello

A methylprednisolone medrol pack is just a flimsy foil case of 21 little, sour, white pills. If someone would have asked me a few weeks ago which prescription would be the key factor to beating pneumonia, I wouldn’t have pointed to that dinky pack of steroids. The loud roar of my nebulizer with its heavy, stable base, sterile tubes, and burdensome mask seemed more official. The indestructible metal canisters of my brand new inhalers looked more impressive.

I felt sick on March 10, a Tuesday. It wasn’t the kind of sick that anyone takes seriously. It was a shruggable dry cough in late winter. Yes, there were some articles floating around about some distant virus, but it was on the West Coast. It was overseas.

By Wednesday, I was pretty sure I had a fever, and my coughs became more painful, noisy and dramatic as the day continued. I lost my sense of taste almost completely and was short of breath. My spouse ran out and got the only flu medicine still available at our local CVS where no thermometers remained on the shelves. While I rested at home, I navigated emails and decisions about canceling meetings, classes and other plans.

By Thursday, I couldn’t take more than a shallow breath and I was spitting up globs of mucus into washcloths multiple times per hour. By Friday morning, it was challenging to eat without becoming fatigued ― without losing too much air to manage chewing. I finally queued up in a three-hour virtual waiting room to speak with a doctor via a telemedicine app. She diagnosed me with viral bronchitis in less than five minutes. I was quickly prescribed multiple medications to combat my worsening respiratory symptoms with instructions to check back if I did not improve.

I’m newly 29 without any high-risk diagnoses, but even with a pharmacy at my bedside, pneumonia developed in less than two days. With scarves wrapped around my face, I ventured out for an X-ray of my crackling chest and additional testing that was uploaded to the remote doctor. She decided I should be monitored more regularly while self-isolating and continued my treatment as a presumed positive for COVID-19, the disease caused by the coronavirus.

By the last day of my steroids, improvements were obvious, but the progress would be short-lived. My steroid pack finished its course on the morning of the 18th, and within 24 hours, I began to regress. The mucus in my chest grew darker and thicker again, and inflammation made me gag and choke as I tried to expel it. My chest rumbled on every exhale, and breaths became almost as shallow as they were before I sought treatment.

Because it wasn’t time for my scheduled check-in with the same doctor, I had to wait in another virtual line to speak with whoever became available if I wanted to avoid the emergency room.

After a few hours, I was finally connected to a provider who checked in with me about my medical history. She told me that she’d reviewed the notes and watched the recordings from my previous visits, then asked about my vitals ― which can be monitored through the app ― before getting to my reason for the visit. I explained between achy pauses that I was going backward ― and quickly ― but she shooed away my complaints.

I was more direct. “Can you extend my steroid prescription for another week? I think that was key to helping push through this.” She immediately shook her head and interjected:

“I don’t recommend that. That medication could lead to weight gain.”

I asked again. She declined, shifting the conversation toward the steps I could take to limit the spread: hand-washing rituals, daily disinfecting routines, social distancing.

When the session ended, I felt abandoned, furious and confused. While my mom and spouse networked so that I could find a new provider, I started researching the intersections of viral pneumonia, steroids and weight. I couldn’t even find concerns about weight gain for short-term users ― but I wouldn’t have cared if I did. I knew this drug was treating the inflammation associated with my most severe respiratory symptoms and shifting my immune response, that this steroid was helping some patients with COVID-19-induced pneumonia recover more quickly. I posted to Facebook about my frustration.

Comments were mostly supportive ― with face-palming gifs, shocked and angry emojis, words of solidarity. One mentioned malpractice; a few noted that they now opt out of weigh-ins for check-ups; some people told their own stories of medical and mental health providers bringing up weight when it was irrelevant and inappropriate. Another shared their fear that heavier people might not receive access to ventilators during shortages because they’d be misperceived as having poorer prognoses.

A few more friends chimed in to play devil’s advocate ― trusting that there must be a reason for the doctor’s comment. A relative explained that although it may have been poor bedside manner, the doctor could be worried about weight gain leading to future health issues, such as Type 2 Diabetes. A nurse mentioned that people with a body mass index (BMI) over 25 have worse outcomes and higher mortality rates ― but a recent study asserts that those categorized as “overweight” (with a BMI of 27) are at the lowest risk for all-cause mortality. Additionally, obese patients have better outcomes when being treated for a variety of ailments ― including significantly lower mortality rates when treated for pneumonia ― the illness this doctor should have been focused on. People with higher weights receive a lower quality of care from their providers ― including delays in access to treatments ― due to cognitive bias. This could be the cause of those worse outcomes and comorbidities my friends are worried about. During this pandemic, when health care providers are deciding whose symptoms are most urgent and severe, lack of access and decreased quality of care will cost lives.The comments in the doctor’s defense point to the internalized belief that being fat is bad, that being fat leads to other bad things. They point to subconscious patterns of thinking that guide flawed decisions, such as placing too much concern on some future weight rather than recovering from a tangible virus. We must stop justifying the health care industry’s obsession with weight ― and that starts with combating our own tendencies toward the same beliefs.I didn’t include my weight in the vitals connected to the app, so this doctor didn’t actually know that number or my BMI. She could only see my face on the screen. I suppose it’s possible that she made an inference about my weight based on a bad camera angle ― but her statement was more like a reflex, absent of considerations about my own body or experience. Since she couldn’t actually size me up with her eyes or a number, she made the assumption that any gained pounds wouldn’t be OK for anyone ― no matter their shape or weight. In that moment, she projected a cultural ideal onto my treatment ― encouraging the belief that it would be better to maintain my size than conquer life-threatening pneumonia.If you are a patient whose treatment is being stifled by a biased provider, you should seek care elsewhere ― but that’s easier said than done. My call wasted $50, and a second opinion would cost another ― or a much more expensive trip to the ER. What will happen to those who don’t have that kind of cash? Or time?Fatphobia will continue to negatively impact the quality of care all people receive if providers are distracted by weight standards or cultural ideals. During a global pandemic when actual or virtual lines for health care consume hours and providers are even more overworked than we’re used to, we cannot delay treatment due to cognitive bias.This doctor did not allow me to advocate for my needs, even though I was an informed patient. Her unwillingness to extend the use of a crucial medication during a pandemic demonstrates just how pervasive our cultural obsession with thinness has become. It took a few more hours for me to find a new provider, who proved glad I reached out and helped me find the right dosing to extend the steroids a few more days. My most severe symptoms have dissipated, and I know that I’ll be OK in time. I trust that these providers will help me make decisions about my health based on preserving my life rather than my waistline. But this experience serves as a reminder that if we hope to survive this pandemic, we must become fierce advocates who hold the health care industry to our own standards, unafraid to challenge the status quo.

#my posts #yes #this is a repost #bc apparently heavyweightheart has blocked me now #this is part of misogyny folks #anyways

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