#and then change the narrative. by reminding myself those things are not true.

[angelnumber27]

I’ve been so much more just.. idk happy I guess in general lately and I am so beyond thankful

[your-alien-friend]

I don’t like that they killed Izzy, but I don’t think they did it for the wrong reasons like many others have said. But I also don’t blame them for feeling that way. Sure, the show is full of old, queer, kinky, disabled characters. But Izzy is the only one we get to see reckon with that in real time (besides maybe jim but that is done really quickly with minimal discomfort).

I’d argue he’s among the most important queer rep in the show because he does struggle with those things. Ofmd created a wonderful world where aside from little peaks of the outsiders views here and there, everyone is accepted. I love that and would not have the show any other way. It was so important for me to see people like me be treated as just… normal. But there does create a kind of dissonance with relating to those characters because we don’t live in that world.

That’s where I felt Izzys presence allowed them to excel in that respect. He let them paint a complete picture. Ed and stede remind me of my early teens, the discovery of an attraction that feels right in a way nothing else ever did, the sweetness of that first true love (along with the ups and downs of homoerotic friendships lmao). They’re the experience you have with another person. The crew of the revenge remind me of getting older and finding community, the safety and camaraderie and relief you get with that. They’re the experience you have with a community. But Izzy, he reminds me of myself through all these stages. He is all the self hatred, the misplaced aggression, the isolation. And then he gets to be the beauty, and acceptance, and levity that comes with truthfulness to who you are. He is the experience you have with yourself.

And that’s exactly why his death is so devastating. He was such a heavy lifter.

I think there’s also something to be said about Con O’Neil opening up about being a queer man himself and experiencing some of Izzy’s journey with him through the show, and perceiving him loosing that as well.

So yeah I think it’s a big loss that outweighs the narrative benefits. And I think we all have a right to mourn that. But I don’t think it’s fair to throw around all these baseless accusations at the creators. While there’s more nuance to why loosing Iz is such a big deal, this is undeniably not because of writers being against who he was. It’s the classic archetype for his character type, you sin, you make amends, you die. I do think maybe more input from queer writers could have prevented him not being fully appreciated outside of his ‘literary’ function, but that’s speculation.

I’m sad and angry too. But I’d rather focus on what we were given with Izzy and all the work Con O’Neil put in to fully flesh that out. Their story really is a monument to how community and fiction can change lives, and just how closely the two are intertwined.

And I’m grateful for what Izzy got to be. He could have easily been thrown away as the bad guy but instead he got to be so so much more. I’m glad we got to see that, even if his end wasn’t befitting of his journey.

Anyway rip Izzy Hands you were a real one and I’ll love you forever. Everyone else stop bullying David Jenkins I’m in your walls.

[thebreakfastgenie]

beejhawk 👀

LMAO I was just sitting here like "no one even bothers to send me beejhawk anymore" but bless you to the bottom of your pot-stirring heart, anon.

Don’t Ship It

Why don’t you ship it? I have several reasons, which I will get into it, but I'm going to start with this one: I like a happy ending. Beejhawk cannot be a happy ending to me. I'm not entirely convinced any Hawkeye/4077th ship being endgame can be a happy ending, even the ones I like. I want to see Hawkeye move on from the war, which is what GFA is setting him up to do. Beejhawk keeps him stuck with the war defining his life. That's depressing to me. In the larger narrative of Hawkeye's life, it's important to me that the war is unimportant. The war being how Hawkeye met the love of his life gives me the ick. It implicitly suggests the war was somehow worth it. I can't think of a single reason why I would ship it. I think the biggest reason is it's simply too OOC for me. I cannot believe that Hawkeye would be in love with BJ. That is not Hawkeye to me. I actually can believe that BJ would be in love with Hawkeye, even though BJ is extremely straight to me, but I can't see Hawkeye reciprocating, ever. I've read some beejhawk fic and a lot of posts, and the way Hawkeye behaves and is characterized doesn't just feel wrong to me, it feels wrong in the way I hate the most. BJ is usually wildly OOC too. The other big reason is the complete lack of chemistry. They have negative romantic chemistry to me. This is a much smaller reason, but the things people get from beejhawk I get from other ships that make more sense to me. For a best friends ship, I have piercentyre. If I want to ship Hawkeye with someone repressed, I have hawnk or houlihawk. Sometimes I joke about this but it's kind of true that I don't need beejhawk because I have hawnk. The Joke Is Wild? Hawnk did it first. I genuinely do not understand why beejhawk is a ship at all, except that they're the two main guys. If I didn't know how slash culture worked, I would have been shocked that it even existed. In the last few seasons, I'm not even convinced they like each other. I found myself asking "do these guys even like each other?" about the alleged best friends more than once, and I had to actively rev up my suspension of disbelief to enjoy their goodbye properly the first time I watched GFA. I very strongly dislike any framing of MASH as a love story, and I have yet to find beejhawk content that doesn't turn it into the Ballad of Hawkeye and BJ. Piercentyre is fun for me, because it really changes the show very little. Beejhawk requires me to rewire the entire show, and I don't want to. A lot of moments that I adore become less meaningful to me if they're shippy. For example, Where There's a Will, There's a War. "When I wake up remind me to give you a kiss" is an expression of BJ's profound relief and a wonderful resolution to the anxiety and guilt he's been feeling for the whole episode. It's hyperbole that only works because they don't normally kiss or want to kiss. It always brings to mind a lyric from a song about WWII: "and I never kissed so many men as on that afternoon." It's not about romance, it's about being glad to be alive. I just like the show better without beejhawk. I started out a little more neutral and my visceral revulsion built through overexposure. There was also an assumption that you shipped beejhawk that I really resented. Especially because of the implications around it being slash. I am gay, I ship gay ships, I ship other gay ships in MASH. I don't ship beejhawk. I'm not required to ship every single gay ship. So all those beejhawk posts about "gay people love this" or "gay people think that" bother me and turn me off even more.

What would have made you like it? Completely different acting/chemistry. Something completely different from what I ever see the fandom do with it. I could probably be sold on unrequited (BJ's side only) or unhappy ending beejhawk in fic if it was really well done. This is your chance to plug! I think a realistic handling of it would help too. The show gives me a BJ who is as far from leaving his family as a man can be. I need to be convinced that something would change that. Meta claiming he's actually close to leaving in the show does not work for me, it directly contradicts what I see. I need writers to dig into it. Actually show me the dissolution of BJ's marriage, the pain and consequences. Show me how he manages to stay in his daughter's life, if he does. Brokeback Mountain does not shy away from how badly Ennis treats his wife and how absent he is to his children. My experience with beejhawk is that much angst is made of the obstacles to their being together, but they're quickly dispatched with. Tell me what Hawkeye sees in BJ, because I don't see it in the show.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it? It inspired me to make these. I've been thinking lately that this lyric fits beejhawk "perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies." If you know me, you know this is something positive from me, because it's from what I think is one of the best songs ever written. There is some interesting potential. Just get out of the true love box! Try something dark, something one-sided (BJ's side), something that ends badly! I do really like their friendship in the first few BJ seasons.

[thedrarrylibrarian]

Several people have been kind enough to let me publish their thoughts on fandom, community, and queerness to celebrate Pride in the Library. Today's piece is a conversation between @academicdisasterfic and his boyfriend, @saintgarbanzo. If you missed it, @saintgarbanzo organized a fundraiser to help support @academicdisasterfic with funds for top-surgery. This fundraiser has met its goal, and is referenced to throughout their conversation.

In this conversation, @saintgarbanzo is chickpea in bold, and @academicdisasterfic is rooney, in regular text.

chickpea: ok baby. let's talk about the gift economy in fandom. it’s something that's part of our politics but many of us struggle with feeling like our worth is tied to our production, even in fandom. has your fundraising experience changed your understanding of those concepts for you?

rooney: Short answer: yes.

Long answer: I think part of what drew me to fanfiction in the first place was a complete divide from capitalism. It’s such a relief in this world of productivity culture. I started writing purely because I loved it and I never thought anyone would read my fics. But then people did, and that meant everything to me. After this fundraiser, I truly understand why the gift economy is so imperative to fandom. People are doing me a favour by donating to my surgery, reading my fics, or writing fics that I love to read. It still feels overwhelming to have as much support as I did. I haven’t processed it at all, I can’t actually fathom it, and I initially had this dread about how I was never going to be able to repay the fandom for what it did for me - it’s not true for all trans men, but for me, this surgery will save my life. But fic saved me too, and I know the same applies to many. When I thought about it like that, I realised that I would do the same thing for anyone here, and it would make me happy to do it. I’d never think they had to pay off that debt. The difference between capitalism and the gift economy is that one is about power and competition, and the other is about the cyclical nature of community. Debts don’t exist, because we don’t give from a finite pool of resources. We give to each other from an endless pool of infinite possibilities.

chickpea: i had that same realization. initially the only way we felt comfortable asking for help was by offering an exchange, but then the exchange wasn't really necessary. everyone just offered up their resources–money but also their time and talent and attention. i go back and forth between feeling guilty/indebted and trying to remind myself that this is how communities are supposed to function and i can feel grateful without feeling guilty. 

you talked about fandom's resistance to capitalism being an initial draw. what about its queerness? my first fandom interactions were very much based in fandom being a safe place to explore queerness. i want to hear about the relationship between your gender realizations and this community.

rooney: You know, I didn’t even think about it in that way - it was more, “I need a queer space, I want it to be a creative space”. It was so apparent to me, even before I knew I was trans, that whatever community I invested in had to have queerness at its core. Back in 2010 when I was figuring out my sexuality, fandom and shipping on Tumblr became really important to me, so I already knew it was there and when I started to explore it, that’s when a lot of gender stuff happened.

I think so many trans people have a more nuanced relationship with their body than is portrayed as the mainstream trans narrative of just being born in the wrong body. I worked very hard before learning I was trans to love and respect my body, and I’d never call it wrong. But reading about queer men fall in love was truly a lightning bolt moment. I’d always felt like an outsider in sapphic spaces - I’m bi/pan/whatever so I do really love women and femmes, that was never the issue - but I realised that I wanted my partners to be perceiving me differently, that I wanted to be treated as a queer man. I think the transgression and fight against purity culture in fandom was so crucial to it - the feelings of displacement and disconnection aren’t articulated the same way in published literature. One of my first fandom friends was @softlystarstruck who writes amazing trans characters with a variety of bodies and sexualities and genders. That sort of representation, of bodies coming together in all those different ways, specifically in sex, made me feel like there was hope - that transness and pleasure aren’t incongruent but born of the same instinct. We have to desire the things that will bring us joy.

chickpea: i love you

rooney: i love you too baby

chickpea: i love that you talked about displacement within queer communities. we've all seen and experienced queerphobia and racism, the demands for productivity, toxicity, discourse that's both helpful and harmful etc. you're someone in fandom who i really admire for the way you acknowledge and navigate the problematic parts of fandom while still focusing on building community in a healthy and joyful way.

can you talk a little bit about being a trans man who consciously decides to stay in hp fandom?

i’ve definitely struggled with my participation here and your fundraiser has brought up those arguments for me again, because we've harnessed this really material and transformative help for you as a trans person, that was carried pretty much entirely by this community.

rooney: Ooft, the big question. 

First off I have to make it clear that I completely understand trans people who don’t want to engage with the HP fandom, because it’s a fucking hard moral and ethical quandary to navigate. But also, I don’t think anyone, including other trans people, should judge those of us who find the inherent transgression of fandom empowering and freeing. That’s my go to answer.

I understand the ethical problems of HP and its fandom. The series is just flagrantly racist. It’s heteronormative, homophobic, and all around “ethically mean spirited”, as Ursula Le Guin so eloquently put it. But it’s still something that I loved, and more importantly, the fandom is so strong not in spite of the series' flaws, but because of them. The more broken it is, the more there is to fix - and we’ve put in Desi Harry and Black Hermione, we’ve written whole essays on why Wolfstar is canon, we’ve taken terrible things like “house elves love to be enslaved” and written complex, thoughtful interpretations of the relationship between oppressor and oppressed. We’ve fucked with it all. Some hasn’t gone far enough, particularly in regards to the way we think about and portray people of colour. But overall, we’ve improved upon something without a single cent from that work going to J.K. Rowling. I find people in this fandom have had a much deeper understanding of the problems in the series for the longest, because we examine it so critically and closely.

No one’s perfect, but we’re all trying - at least, most of us are - and we’re doing things that make the lives of trans people and other marginalised people better. And I’m a trans person who can attest to that, and I know you are too. Universal maxims like “any engagement with HP is transphobic!” don’t even begin to understand what fandom is, what it does, and why it exists. (Those universal maxims also tend to be hugely influenced by Western morality and the legacy of Christianity)

And yes - my fundraiser, and how this community came together to support a trans person in need, really shows all of it in a tangible way. The people here are here to support and uplift those who need it.

chickpea; i often fall into the trap of feeling like if my resistance doesn't transform my oppressors then it doesn't count. i’ve written posts about racism in fandom and a lot of times i still approach it from the position of like, how do i make this palatable, if i just say it with the perfect tone then it will be more approachable and i'll like, convert the racists. i write it with the idea that i have to reach the unreachable. but over and over what i see is that those posts strengthen the people already on my side. and i think it's the same when we're talking about the effects on queer people of engaging with hp. like, a lot of times the argument is that our silly little stories don't translate into real resistance, because people think of "real" resistance as legislative changes and boycotts, as efforts that transform and educate or punish oppressors. and our trans fanfic isn't convincing any terfs that they're miserable pieces of shit. but it bolsters other trans people. it supports us as individuals in this community. i think that the emphasis on whether or not hp fandom engagement translates to "real world" resistance focuses too much on that idea of reaching the unreachable people. we're here and we're doing it for each other, and i *know* it's effective because every queer person i've met in this community has a story of being strengthened by a fic, or a post, or an illustration.

i want to bring it back to joyfulness  in fandom. how has it encouraged you to cultivate more joy for yourself and others?

rooney: Honestly, I think that idea about remembering who we’re actually doing this for is so important. And also I believe we can plant seeds for change through joy. Because here’s the thing - change doesn’t originate from someone signing a piece of paper enacting legislation. That’s an important part, but that person enacts legislation because they represent their communities. Communities who believe joy is possible are stronger, because they have something to fight for. Joy is essential to resistance. I want to reach my community with my words and make them strong. And perhaps then those sentiments will reach further, because we will feel supported by each other and capable in our own lives of challenging bigotry and violence, knowing we are not alone. I am convinced that is how change happens. 

But I don’t just want to be happy so I can fight better. I want to cultivate joy because I deserve it, because I’m a person. Transphobic rhetoric dehumanises trans people, and that disconnect from our humanity can be internalised; perhaps we don’t feel worthy of indulgence, frivolity, the whimsical and beautiful and luxurious parts of life. Fuck that. Every human deserves access to joy. Treating myself cruelly will not change anything about me - depriving myself of joy when I fuck up doesn’t make me fuck up less the next time, and it doesn’t help the people affected by said fuck up. But treating myself well, indulging my creativity and dreaming and desires, actually does change me. It makes me better to the people around me, and better to myself, which means I have more energy for others and myself, which means I give more - it’s the gift economy, it’s cyclical. 

So fandom just makes me happy because it does. I love watching these dumb boys in love. And rather than try and analyse that or judge it, I let myself accept it, and go with it, purely because it’s joyful and life affirming and connects me with the world in a new and beautiful way. It’s really just the power of storytelling, I think - it calls to something primal in us. Maybe it reminds us that we’re humans in this world that wants us to be more like machines.

Fandom makes me joyful because it reminds me of my humanity, I think. With every fic I read or gorgeous artwork it’s like I’m accessing this part of my humanness that I have to keep segmented and separate from my work life, my life where I have to so much of the time be productive and disciplined. Here, I feel all of my flaws acutely and deeply, and all of my wonders, and it’s soul deep. How wonderful to be a human and to feel so keenly - how preferable to a life of trying to stay in the boring, lonely middle.

chickpea: your soulful intellectual rigor is very attractive

rooney: i think that’s my favorite thing you’ve ever said to me.

chickpea: a lot of times i have to frame my self-care and creative work in terms of resistance because that's the only way i can allow myself to have it. but you are so fundamentally right. cultivating joy isn't only for the collective, it's for me. i need to think about pleasure and joy less as a fuck you to the people trying to crush me, and more as a gift. giving yourself that gift of joy really does give that gift to others, and that's such a beautiful, community building action. 

thank you for the reminder that being in community is about engaging with our humanity. it's a perfect conclusion to our whole discussion. humanity is gorgeous and gross and so is fandom and stories are reflections of that, and those reflections are so special to so many of us.

thank you for letting me trick you into processing your feelings. 

rooney: for the record i encourage all of your attempts to trick me into processing my feelings. 

Thank you both for joining me in the Library. I loved what you both had to say about fandom being a gift of joy to ourselves and community being a gift we give to each other. Thank you so much for the privilege of reading your conversation as a way to celebrate Pride in the Library.

If you want more @academicdisasterfic, be sure to check out his work on AO3! I particularly love his fic like the sun came out, because it so accurately portrays the way people who truly love each other treat each other - with gentleness and kindness and patience.

If you want more @saintgarbanzo, be sure to check out his work on AO3 as well! I love Sweeten to Taste because I'm always a sucker for a beautiful food description, and also because I love the thoughtful and nuanced discussions Harry and Draco have in this fic about justice and forgiveness and what we all deserve even when we've been wronged and when we have wronged others.

🏳️‍🌈 Lots of Love and Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈

[mstepenwolf]

it's not really that weird that i'm grieving. after all, i open my heart once in a century because i rarely feel connected to anyone; recently i've been actually forcing myself to go through the motions of interacting with people simply to preserve my sanity, but it only reminds me of how alien i'm. he was the first true friend i found since i moved here almost eight years ago. we were engaged... he wrote me multiple letters since that friday explaining his thought process and apologizing for everything he's done in those three years. but... knowing how often he lies to himself and to others, i hate to sit with this new version of reality he presents. i only now realize how often he changes narratives in relation to some topics (sex, friends, substances, me) because sometimes it just serves him to think of things in a certain way (not because he has a sudden realization). avoidance of accountability. pretty cool of him to keep me in the dark till the very end and then write a couple of letters to help him clean his conscience and move on.

[hindahoney]

Tbh even at my synagogue there's so much anti orthodox sentiment and it makes me really sad. We're liberal/progressive which of course means we generally don't always agree with typical orthodox values, we would go to an Orthodox synagogue instead of this one if we did, but I hear a lot of talk among our community that I find really disrespectful of Orthodox Jews! Things like blanket accusations of homophobia and sexism which just...isn't true if you even glance in the direction of all the queer Orthodox Jews that exist. I swear people just like to say "Orthodox is bad to gay people!!!!" and all the gay Orthodox Jews are like "uh no it's not, we're actually a huge influential part of the Orthodox community, you can't just ignore that we're here, and youre choosing to ignore all the work that queer Orthodox Jews have put in to make our spaces safe and accessible" and then others still go "it's so sad how no queers can thrive in Orthodox spaces :(( sometimes it's like I can still hear their voices"

It's very much not the same thing but for the sake of analogy, it reminds me of American queers who say shit like "The southern states are so homophobic there's nothing there for us this is so sad <\3" while completely ignoring that the south is actually full of queer people, some will live their whole lives in those places and aren't any less queer or influential there than elsewhere, and it's super homophobic to make statements like that. Like sure just go ahead and assume gay people in the south are all completely trapped and powerless and tragic and nonexistent instead of acknowledging that there are thousands of fully realised queer human beings there whose experiences shouldn't be swept under the rug to accommodate the popular narrative that South Bad.

Im not saying Orthodox communities never have issues with things like racism, homophobia, sexism etc, but like?? So do Reform and Liberal communities??? Stop pretending we're absolutely perfect while being so grossly antisemitic *to other Jews*. I've had encounters with transphobic Jews at my synagogue and while I was able to sort it out and get them to a place of understanding my upset and showing remorse and changed behaviour, it feels like people just want to ignore that this shit can still happen in progressive spaces, because it doesn't fit their narrative of Reform Good Orthodox Bad.

I considered going down a conversion route to become Orthodox a few years ago and didn't go through with it, but I did get to engage with my.local Orthodox rabbi and hoooooly shit it's been so saddening and eye opening the way every Orthodox Jew I've spoken to has, very early on, gone "don't worry I'm not sexist I promise!!" because they KNOW people are going to make horrible assumptions about them just based on their culture. Like fuck it tells a sad story about the way people including other Jews must treat them. Straight up antisemitic

I promise not all Liberal, Reform, progressive etc Jews feel negatively about Orthodoxy, it's just irritatingly common and I really heavily sympathise with all the shit you must have to go through. You aren't without allies but I don't blame you for feeling alone when this is how you're often treated.

(ik this isn't my blog but @ goyim: comment on this and i will bite your head off, this is a threat.)

Thank you for sharing your story. I by no means am saying I don't have my own qualms with orthodoxy, and things that I disagree with my community about. But that's okay, it's encouraged to disagree.It depends on who you ask whether they would call me orthodox or not, certainly more liberal Jews would view me this way. But out of respect for the orthodox community, I don't feel comfortable taking on that identity yet, but ultimately that's the goal. For right now I feel comfortable calling myself "frum."

It's incredibly painful when I see Jews throwing other Jews under the bus, because I take the term "tribe" seriously. When Cain asks HaShem "Am I my brother's keeper?" the Torah, and as consequence, the Jews, answered unequivocally yes. A Jew across the world that I've never met is, in my eyes and my entire soul, my family. So when I see my family fighting with each other over complete misunderstandings that could be solved if we just listened more, it hurts.

I feel like when people see me they assume I'm socially backward, as if there's no way I can square my religious beliefs with acceptance of LGBT+ people (as if I myself don't/can't identify as queer), or with women having a more involved role in services. They just assume we are a monolith, as if we're a group of worker ants that all operate and think the same exact way.

There are queer orthodox Jews who have made their space in orthodoxy. There are women who feel like they thrive in orthodoxy, who are NOT "ruled over" by their husbands, and are not forced to dress modestly, but choose it for themselves because they feel more comfortable that way.

[thirrith]

I ended up watching Transition Regret and the Fascism of Endings today and it's really making me want to watch Barber Westchester. And I can definitely see why it made you think of Morpheus. I love how you drew him watching the video because I think we all can agree that it is one video that he would benefit from. And the metaphor about losing a job and then that causing said person to go to a park and touch an acorn, while another person takes up the mantle the first person set down, is just so fitting for Morpheus.

I will admit, part of the reason I hadn't already watched the video is because there is a part of my mind that is always on the look out for thematic evidence in life that could point towards the show having a happier ending than the comics, and this is a video that could have gone, and honestly still kind of does go either way. Idk the video has given me a lot to think more in depth about with regards to change and death and stories and all those sort of things, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you since your drawing caused me to go watch the video today and also once again express how much I love your drawing and art style

OOH what a lovely message, thanks for taking the time to send this ask, i received it while on a coach trip and it made my entire evening!

the video convinced me to watch Barber Westchester as well. it's so true when lily said that it's a film that can't be summed up and has to be experienced. and what an experience!! i was completely enamoured with this strange world and Barber's bizarre life by the end of it. (and the art style !!)

anyway, yeah, lily's video made me think a lot about not only morpheus' canon story and how in fanon the fact that he's often depicted as someone who views his own life as a fixed tragic narrative and his loved ones have to snap him out of it by reminding him that 'he isn't just a story', but also the kind of stories that i tell about myself, and how much of it is for me and how much is to justify/explain myself in front of other peolple/institutions (thinking about job/scholarship/university interviews...) and how reorganising/selecting from reality to form a narrative can potentially strengthen our relationship to it and at the same time alienate us from it (and do we need to think of the world and our own life as a story at all? the interconnectedness and interbeing of everything is beautiful and realising it makes me feel incredibly intimate with the world, but it's also terribly existential which, not inherently a bad thing, but like lily, i do often feel like giving in to the urge of storytelling about myself as well)

forgive me if this rant is incoherent and carried away, i love it when people come to me to talk about the inspirations for my art!! let me know what you think about barber westchester when you get around to watching it too, but only if you want to!!

<3

[justasmolliv]

L3: Black Heaven: A Necromantic Dating Sim

An ambitious visual novel which takes advantage of the medium, but cannot escape equivalent exchange.

I always appreciate a visual novel which understands that you'll play it multiple times, and makes your choices have a lasting impact across its narrative. While usually this manifests as a number of different endings which have to be navigated to reach a "true" final ending, Black Heaven: A Necromantic Dating Sim takes this a step further with its Fractal Madness mechanic to a mostly brilliant effect.

In Black Heaven you play as Uzo, a former scholar at Itzon Academy, a magic school dedicated to research on attaining immortality. Unfortunately, Uzo and his mentor Ru accidentally created a plague which caused uncontrollable growth and eventually destroyed most of the world. After the outbreak, Uzo fled underground and attempted to continue to find a cure, and it's here where the game begins.

As Uzo continues his own research, he is approached by a masked man who calls himself No-Eyes. No-Eyes offers Uzo a deal - if Uzo brings him the ghosts of Ru and his classmates Izagi and Lyse, he'll create a time loop for Uzo to relive his happiest memories of Itzon forever. No-Eyes will use the three ghosts to pursue his goal of chronomancy, a taboo area of necromancy research within the academia circle, and promises Uzo the luxury of forgetting about the death he helped to cause.

As Uzo travels back overground and towards Itzon, you play through his memories of his time there. You go to class, try to socialise with the other students, and attempt to woo Ru, Isagi, and Lyse. Despite my choices heavily leaning towards Izagi, I ended up romancing Ru. This was confusing to me, and I was disappointed by the lack of impact my choices seemed to have within this first third or so. 

I'm putting the fewest number of spoilers I can get away with in this review as Black Heaven is certainly a visual novel I think should be experienced. As Uzo explored the ruins of Itzon, it became clear why my choices couldn't have much impact. The true deplorability of his past actions is revealed as Uzo revisits the memories of his friends. This plot twist was one I hadn't seen coming, and it had me genuinely shaking my head at how cleverly I'd been duped as Uzo sat in front of a panel and was confronted by what he'd done.

Once you learn the truth about what happened, it's up to you how to deal with Ru, Izagi, Lyse and No-Face. Do you hand them over as he asked, or set them free and return empty-handed? There's definitely bad endings, and even worse ones, but there's an obvious good path which the game encourages you towards.

This is where I feel the Fractal Madness mechanic lets Black Heaven down while still enhancing a playthrough. Fractal Madness accrues as you reload the game to revisit choices, something I'd been doing a lot to attempt to get myself onto Izagi's romance route. I'd try out all available options to see what the characters' reactions would be, before reloading once again and choosing the one I liked the most. The more you revisit decisions, the more things become distorted. As Uzo was sneaking around the burnt husks of the lavish buildings I'd once seen, the music started to stutter upon itself. Memories would start to become distorted and gruesome, before Uzo reminded himself those events didn't really happen. I really enjoyed this effect, as I never knew when it could kick in and start to make me question whether what Uzo was really experiencing and remembering was the truth.

But the caveat is that all the reloads and choices happen in a single playthrough. As I explored the knock-on effects of earlier choices, I ended up with a lot of manual saves which I had to remember the order of, whereas other visual novels might handle this with a branching map you can dive back into. Overall, I was quite nice to Ru, Izagi, Lyse and No-Face, and I could explore their endings without really needing to change the choices I had made during the game. Replayability is tied into a single playthrough, where you're encouraged to reload and try different options, rather than a branching narrative which acts like a reiteration of events.

I'd have loved to see Fractal Madness go even more unhinged and bring in more horror and uncertainty, but in general I think Black Heaven is a well-written, engrossing story which uses the medium of visual novels and the habits of its players to great effect. Its own mechanic somewhat becomes its own limit, and one plot twist in particular is quite easy to figure out early in the game, but I have to commend Black Heaven for attempting something new with the meta of visual novels.

As I said before, I think Black Heaven is a visual novel which should be experienced. Its characters are well-written and relatable, the music is haunting, and the way it tries to tell its story is ambitious. If you're also looking for a good old musing on metaphysics and philosophy then Black Heaven is one I'd recommend.

[A copy of the Steam version of Black Heaven: A Necromantic Dating Sim was provided by developer and publisher Occult Triangle Lab.]

[yieldingtides]

CaL in Flow

A month has passed since I committed to “stay in the flow” of my process and I’m thriving! I’m nearly done writing Coals and Lilacs first arc (got two to three chapters to go). There’s so much I want to talk about the CaL cast, but for now, let's focus on this sad fisher lad first.

Robert is the first character I ever made, somewhat coinciding with Paule’s creation. He was created out of a means to be somewhat of an edgy teen despite not being outwardly edgy myself in the late 2000’s. You know the tropes: black clothes, fallen angel wings, “nothing personal kid” vibes, and whatnot. Shadow the Hedgehog (at least with his SA2 incarnation) was the main influence on his characterization. It’s like silent punk energy, even with the outlandish looks I had with him back then or what I thought was cool at the time. He still intends to do good, but if he must, he would also consider methods that would do the least amount of harm to the people he cares for.

RPs back in the late 2000s - early 2010s were ground zero for the two of them, as I navigated in those spaces to flesh out their character backgrounds. Most of my time spent role-playing is just seeing how far I can understand these two till I feel comfortable writing a narrative. Robert was doing a lot of fantastical sci-fi-related work. Sometimes murdering outright (within reason woops) till I dialed back to make him more of a weird everyday man.

His name too changed. Before Robert, he was called Rekana. It’s an edgy interpretation of “Recant” or denying an opinion or belief. I still think this holds true to his character. I threw this guy into situations he didn’t ask for just to see how he’d respond, mostly in denial. I think the only thing that stayed the same was his overall hairstyle, his fishing hobby, and his personality. Incarnation after incarnation, that’s been consistent with him for years.

Often I recalled a dream I had years ago where I was pinned against the wall by Robert, shaking and screaming why I wrote his narrative as it was. Thinking of ways to make him suffer more (as you do with your characters) and demanded a reason. I straight up told him “It’s for the narrative” till my life snapped in half. Well, he snapped my neck and I immediately woke up, vowing I would never manifest my characters in existence. That’s the nice thing about fiction, I suppose. It’s also why I grew to like Aurelius from Dislyte so much, to my surprise at least. Similar character vibes and such. I tend to find weird hunches like that.

Onto Paule. Her role changed a lot. I also used her in old RP spaces till I took the time to flesh out her goals. Thought it would be fun for her to be a magical girl in 2009, till I scrapped the concept (it reminded me of Madoka vibes before Madoka existed), and an author insert similar to Rohan in Araki’s work. She’s probably the closest I had to my younger self, or reflection of. I wanted her to be cringe, engrossed with her hobbies but still outwardly kind by a fault.

If I had the energy to change her now, she would be more like Cara or Dao Hoa. They’re flawed as hell, but I’m not suggesting Paule is less so (she has her little dark secrets too lol). I would rather make new characters that fit more of that energy than readjust her personality for such trends.

I can’t say much about her current characterization since CaL is in progress, but at this point, she always nurture flowers and plants than I can be in person. I don’t have a green thumb, and it’s a struggle for me to care for plants, but at least through her, she lives that part of myself. Maybe that’s a hope for future me to try out.

Anyway, Coals and Lilacs is always the project I hold close to me…it’s the first major narrative story I’ve written, and now it’s going somewhere. May it grow strong and proud.

[forgretmenot]

2024 January

Randomly thought about that deep betrayal from someone I considered a friend. In moments like these, it's easy to feel the urge to prove and defend ourselves, but I've come to realize that time has a way of revealing the true story.

Betrayal is a tough pill to swallow, especially when it comes from someone you trusted. Instead of engaging in a battle of words and defenses, I now choose to let time be the arbiter of truth. Actions speak louder than words, and as time unfolds, the reality of the situation will become clear to those who matter. It's a challenging journey, but sometimes the best response to betrayal is silence and patience. Trusting in the passage of time allows wounds to heal and authentic narratives to emerge. I believe that my character will shine through, and the truth will prevail without the need for me to prove or defend myself. Let this be a reminder that, in the face of betrayal, our actions will ultimately define us. I choose to focus on my own growth and well-being, confident that time will be the judge of the true story.

So why can't I just get over a friend screwing me over? It's like, when they mess with our trust, it's not just a letdown; it's a serious hit to who we are. Getting past it isn't just about time passing. It's about figuring out what really matters to us and setting new rules for ourselves. Gotta dig deep, acknowledge the hurt, and slowly rebuild the trust they broke. And let's talk about the emotional baggage – cutting ties is way easier said than done. The fallout messes with how we approach new friendships, making it tough to be as open and vulnerable as before. Moving on isn't a straightforward thing. It's a messy process that needs some self-love. It's totally fine not to have it all figured out or rush the healing. Dive into those feelings, and maybe, just maybe, we can close that chapter and open up to better connections in the future.

It's a journey of patching myself up, finding out who I really am, and slowly breaking free from the mess that ties me to the past. This year isn't just about resolutions; it's about the slow and deliberate process of rediscovering, embracing, and nurturing the person I am becoming. It's like my personal GPS, helping me navigate through the crazy mix of memories and life experiences.

Choosing self-love isn't just some fancy decision; it's actively dropping the baggage of old wounds. I'm letting self-compassion work its magic, turning pain into serious growth vibes. And let me set the record straight – letting go isn't about wiping the slate clean. It's about ditching the chains that tie me to stuff I can't change. I'm facing the scars head-on, learning their lessons, and stepping into the future with a whole new level of strength. And it’s not about big wins; it's about celebrating the little victories and embracing my flaws like they're cool brushstrokes that make me who I am.

So here's to the ride ahead – a year of self-love, growth, and the awesome journey of letting go. Cheers to living in the moment, trusting the process, and being the boss of our own happiness. ❌⭕️💋

[inkforged]

Violation: An Examination of Southern Baptist Purity Culture and Sexual Assault

**TRIGGER WARNING**

A/N: This is NOT a post about sexual assault within the church. This is NOT a post detailing sexual assault. This is about my personal experience growing up in the Southern Baptist Purity Culture (SBPC) and how that shaped my reaction to my own assault.

It may not surprise you to learn that this is difficult for me to write about. I could choose not to write about this and continue on as if this were my issue alone to deal with. However, I realize that there are probably many women who have struggled the same way I have and I think it needs to be talked about.

In March of 2023, I was sexually assaulted at a grocery store in broad daylight while shopping with my mother. It was all at once horrifying, paralyzing, and completely absurd. The details are unimportant and I will not be explaining the sequence of events to anyone but my therapist. There are few words I have to say about the incident, but what happened in the aftermath was far more confusing and complex than I could have anticipated.

I was already in the midst of a deep depressive state when it happened, so you can imagine that this did what feels like irreparable damage to my mental health. Through the work of two therapists, a personal trainer, and anti-depressants, I am finally - 9 months later - feeling like a functional human again. There is still healing and work to be done, but I've come to a place where I'm ready to discuss what this process has been like for me.

Those who have experienced SA on any level often go through the stages of grief as they process what happened. I got to the anger stage pretty quickly and camped out there for a long time. I was furious that I was violated, but more so that this person had stolen my ability to remember the good things in my life. I was enraged at the power this incident held over my life. It seemed so inconsequential. I wasn't hurt badly, I wasn't dead, it could have been so much worse. But it still happened and I was changed. I wasn't the same person from one second to the next. Something was taken from me and there was no way to get it back.

I don't feel safe in stores anymore. Thank God for Instacart.

I struggle when people come up behind me whether it be while standing in line, or just hanging out in a social setting.

But the thing I've struggled with the most is the feeling of shame. I feel ashamed of what happened. Which is ridiculous because logically, I know that none of this was my fault. But there's something in me that won't let me feel absolved of wrongdoing.

I think this mindset is HEAVILY influenced by the teachings of the purity culture that I grew up with.

I am only speaking to SBPC because that's what I have experience with and how I feel it affected me. I would like to clarify: I am still a Bible-believing Christian and I have no intention of bashing people's beliefs. I still love Jesus, the Church is still made of humans though and sometimes, we get it wrong.

The main issue that I have with the SBPC of the late 90's/ early 2000's is that it created a narrative that over-sexualized women to a point where we were shamed for our bodies and taught that our worth lay solely within our purity.

Women were taught that it was their responsibility alone to keep men from stumbling and sexualizing them. Little girls were taught that their bodies were too sexual for men to deal with so they had to always be covered to not cause a man to do horrible things.

Instead of teaching Mark 9:47

"And if your eye causes you to fall away, gouge it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell."

Jesus clearly intends for us to take ownership of our own sins and remove temptations ourselves.

I went through True Love Waits which put a purity ring on my finger to remind myself that my body had to stay pure for my husband. When that ring broke in high school, a classmate told everyone that it meant that I was a slut and no man would want me now that I had been "used." You can imagine what this did to the psyche of a 16-year-old with self-esteem issues and a belief that she was already difficult to love.

My worth lies in my relationship with Jesus and nothing else. But I can write that a thousand times and still the shame creeps in.

When I started to try dating, I quickly discovered that the only men who interacted with me only wanted me for my body. I'm a plus-size woman and that made me a target for those seeking to check off a bucket list or fetishize me. I was informed that -according to the men out there- I am not worth dating. I've been shown over and over that I don't matter as a person and am not worthy of respect or romance or even a simple cup of coffee. I'm just a body to be sexualized, mocked, or touched.

After the assault, I felt worthless.

With my worst fears and insecurities confirmed, I started asking questions like: how do I face going to church? How do I talk to God about this? Will He forgive me for being impure? Will a man ever want me if he learns about this? This whole situation cemented the narrative that had been steadily playing in my life for a long time. I fight that narrative every single day with everything I have. I have to constantly battle to remember that what the world is telling me and what God is telling me are two very different things.

I'm dealing with this in my late 20s after separating myself from the purity culture- I can't imagine what teenage me would have been feeling at this point, which is why we need to start the conversation.

I'm still healing and will be for a long time. I'm still in the stage of daily reminders that I am not defined by this and that it wasn't my fault. But how many women are in similar situations to mine? How many women experienced the worst of humanity and responded with shame and guilt for something out of their control? How many women live with the narrative that their worth lies in their bodies?

I think we can all use the reminder that we were made for more than that. God created us with intention and purpose. He doesn't define our worth by our bodies or the things that happen to us.

[storiesforthegloryofgod]

“There is no distance

That cannot be covered

Over and over

You're not defenseless I'll be your shelter I'll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true,

I will rescue you” — Rescue, Lauren Daigle

Being able to feel things deeply can be a blessing or a curse.

This may be odd to some, but whenever I read a book, listen to people, podcasts, songs or even sermons, I have the ability to absorb emotions from a third-person point of view (which is toxic on some occasions) as if I am experiencing it firsthand. But the aforementioned lyrics is one of the few instances why I rejoice with this so-called “gift.”

[For those of you who are not aware, my heart is prone to wander away from the Lord. My heart is typically inclined and enticed from the things of the world. That’s why if I am NOT intentional about fighting for the disciplines of grace (prayer, Bible-reading, fellowship with believers and attending the Lord’s day), I catch myself acting in a manner that is not worthy of the Gospel, a Christian that is not distinct from the world.]

As I was digesting the lyrics of the song (it was my first time hearing it by the way), my heart began to ache and at the same time, rejoice. My heart is filled with so much joy knowing that in spite of my constant failures and backslidings, He continually pursues me and accepts me despite of who I am. That He loves me unconditionally, at this very moment and NOT the “better” future version of me.

“While we were still SINNERS Christ died for us..” Romans 5:8

In all honesty, I oftentimes get exhausted about the Christian life. I feel disheartened and frustrated about the battle that is waging war within my soul.

“I can’t believe that I failed again. The Lord surely hates me.” is one of the countless narratives inside my head.

I can completely resonate with the angst of Apostle Paul

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.  So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” -Romans 7:15-19

Although I can cite a bunch of verses that would clearly contradict my thoughts and feelings, I can’t help not to think of my frequent stumbling in the Christian life. My inner being can’t reconcile how can a holy God can love someone like me. Maybe because I am so used to the transactional and conditional type of love — that if I don’t act right, I will be punished and if I am not able to bring anything valuable to the table, I am hated and considered as useless.

(And I know… it’s a trauma response.)

However, I must continually remind myself that the Lord is NOT like us human beings—frail, wretched and bound to fail etc.

We can trust His Word because “God is not a man, that he should lie..” (Numbers 23:19) and that even if we are unfaithful, it doesn’t nullify the faithfulness of God. (Romans 3:13)

So I’ve come to the realization that whenever we feel condemned about our sin, we should tap onto the waterfall of grace and ponder on the Lord’s great love for us. For His love will surely compel us to change.

His kindness will lead us to repentance

"I know some of you are greatly distressed because you cannot love Christ as much as you would like to do and you keep on fretting because it is so. Now just forget your own love to Him and think of His great love to you and then immediately your love will come to something more like that with which you desire it to be.” -C.H. Spurgeon

PS: Just a caveat

The Lord is loving, gracious, forgiving and kind, but the Lord is also GOOD, holy righteous and just… And He who is good surely hates what is EVIL. We should never use His grace as a license to sin.

[sunshinetomyrain]

The Aftermath

As I near the end of Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs," I find myself rethinking my last relationship. Consider this an autopsy of the heart, as I begin to heal from whatever damage it may have caused me.

There's almost a certainty in sharing your values with someone you share your life with. Companionship works easier that way, even though there will surely be adjustments and compromises on both ends. As someone who is just starting to grasp her core identity, although I believe that there is no singular truth about ourselves, as we are ever-changing creatures, I used to struggle with seeking external validation. During my early 20s, I felt like my external appearance and sexuality were what people valued the most. If I'm being honest, I really grew fond of the power it gave me and felt joy exercising it against people. But as I grew older, I realized that it somehow hindered me from being taken seriously, especially in terms of professional achievements.

Approaching my mid-20s, I began to shift my approach to relationships, especially romantic ones, and redirected my sexual energy towards a more ambitious path. And then there was my last relationship—the one where he mistook me for a driven, ambitious young woman, assuming we shared the same values. Unbeknownst to him, I buried my sensual desires and my love for feeling sexy to gain his approval because I thought that's how life had to be lived. His value was ambition and achievements, and I thought that's what I had to prioritize to be "successful" in life, whatever that means. So, I played along, as the pain from my earlier days served as a constant reminder to choose a different path for myself.

After almost a year of concealing my identity and suppressing my erotic desires, those desires began to seep into everyday life, causing problems during our daily conversations. The way he pitted sexuality and ambition against each other did not help, as if these two aspects couldn't coexist within one person—as if individuals couldn't be multifaceted.

I often make the error of tying my self-discovery to my relationships. You might call it aspirational dating, where I actively pursue someone who makes me feel different from my usual self. Someone capable of revealing aspects of myself that were once beyond reach. I’ve never desired to be with someone who is in a less advanced stage of life than I am. In this context, the element that was once beyond my grasp—professional achievements—was encouraged through my last relationship.

But here’s the thing about relationships. They serve under two ideals—one, inspiring you to better yourself and strive for a greater good, and the other, providing a safe haven for you in case you stumble and fall. After two years of pursuing professional achievements, while juggling work and my master’s degree, I started to run out of steam. It was here that the flame of the relationship began to dwindle as well.

The stresses of maintaining both my identity and the façade I had adopted began to take their toll. The intricate dance between my ambition and my suppressed sensuality grew more difficult to manage. The agony of rejection, whether it was from him or self inflicted which deeply affected my sense of worth and self, exacerbated the situation.

After ending the relationship, I began to realize that what was once promised to me was never guaranteed. The safe space that was once there to land had become nonexistent. I struggled to pick up the pieces and rewrite a better narrative for my story. I needed to reevaluate my value as a person, navigating the intricate push and pull between my identity as a sexual being and my identity as an accomplished young woman. I came to understand that I was blessed with the ability to comprehend the nuances and many colors of human beings, something that many people struggle to grapple with. Self-awareness was a gift I possessed. It’s my responsibility to stay true to myself and to choose not only to celebrate all that I am, but also the people to celebrate with. After abandoning myself for so long, I believe I owe it to myself.

As I prepare to close the final pages of this book, I am filled with a sense of renewal—a deep understanding that my journey is not defined by a single narrative. It is the amalgamation of all that I am and all that I aspire to be. This aftermath, this introspective exploration, is not a reckoning with the past, but a stepping stone towards the future—a future where self-discovery, self-love, and self-acceptance stand as pillars of strength.

In the wake of this journey, I embrace the complexities that define me, both the sensual and the ambitious, understanding that they are not contradictory but complementary. This autopsy of the heart has unveiled the intricate layers of my being, allowing me to mend and grow, to learn from the past and pave the way for a future that celebrates all that I am.

[bunnyandbooks]

Babel, Or the Necessity of Violence: An Arcane History of the Oxford Translators’ Revolution by R. F. Kuang

This book has been getting a lot of traction on social media so I was interested to read it. Very briefly (and for my own recollection later), it centers around a boy from Canton, orphaned by the plague, who is summarily rescued just on the cusp of death that claimed his family and brought to England by Professor Lovell to be trained in the art of translation, with the goal of getting admission to Oxford’s prestigious translation school, nicknamed “Babel.” In this world, the industrial revolution occurs through the globalization of languages, using the connotative gaps in translation of words to proliferate magical effects through the medium of silver, which means non-English kids like the boy, self-named “Robin,” are valuable. But as Robin grows up and wrestles with the inherent colonialism of Babel, he struggles with his own morals that both privileges him and enslaves him. Possible spoilers under the cut.

There’s a lot going on from the just the title -- you can pick this book up and guess it’s probably not going to end happy. Kuang isn’t exactly hiding the ball on what her thesis is, and the story hammers it home pretty clearly: violence is necessary to disrupt and challenge inherently racist institutions. This is the conclusion that Robin spends the entire 500 page novel coming to; the rebels championing a non-violent solution are killed; Robin’s former cohort, a white woman named Letty, who ostensibly champions changing the system from within is so unforgivable by the end of the book that nothing she says sounds credible -- a bit like Glinda in Wicked, if Glinda didn’t have any character development; the other white woman character in the book only finds redemption through death. There isn’t any room for compromise in Kuang’s book, but it’s also important to remember that a reconciliation story is now what she’s setting out to tell here.

Babel is inherently an allegory to government institutions that benefit from foreign assets and knowledge, who thrive off the exploitation of people, but are offended by the notion of such foreign nation and its people’s own sovereignty. The briefest reviews of any period of history can show scenarios that are applicable. And because Kuang is so learned and so brilliant, and is a skilled linguist and writer, she can weave an incredibly compelling narrative that explains the philology that forms the basis of the unique magic system in this book, while also expounding on the socio-economic ramifications of both colonialism and also domestic rebellion. While I agree with a lot of assessments that the pace is slow, I never once felt bored, and I credit to her strength as a writer.

I suppose if I have any complaints, the first was the lack of resolution. Even Les Miserables, which I kept thinking of throughout the third act, showed us the final defeat, with the townsfolk sadly picking up the pieces. We don’t know the result of the great last stand by the translators’ rebellion, and it feels rather unsatisfying. It also felt unfair that we get introduced to Victoire in the epilogue of the 500 page book, especially given that takes place of a true resolution. Couldn’t she at least have heard news? 

The second is related to the lack of compromise, I suppose. Robin and his cohorts are motivated to take down racist institutions largely because of loyalty to the motherlands from which they were stolen, and most characters don’t have any ties to those countries in the present day of the narrative. Instead of focusing on acting because it’s the right thing to do, it’s the idea that people of color, and I say this as a person of color, owe something to the land of our ancestors. Which does not account for people who are bi-cultural. And that solid line of a person of color only allowed to belong to one bothered me, though I again had to remind myself that Babel wasn’t that kind of story. So it was mostly about fighting my inherent biases, too.

[welcometomy20s]

March 8, 2023

Back when I was a baby, my mom would carry me through a climb up a mountain in my neighborhood, and both my mom and I have loved climbing ever since.

Once on a climb, my mom talked about her philosophy regarding climbing. She said that every step on a climb is a commitment to make that same step back down home.

Everytime I open my ‘third’ eye and start to head down the abyss of thoughts, I would have to remind myself that nothing useful would be done unless I head back out. I guess the same is true for drugs, taking the stuff is fine but you need to get back to the trailhead.

There is a story published in n+1 magazine called The Feminist by Tony Tulahimutte that basically describes a descent into the far right by supposed feminist, and it’s kind of a mystery trying to figure why someone would fall down that path, and the answer is pervasive, but it only glimpses in the forefront - it’s very beautifully constructed. 

My glimpse to the answer comes with the protagonist’s interaction with his QPOC agender friend from his college co-op… which from his description tells us that he only thinks of them as a series of labels and not as an… person. His scenes with them always reminds me of those Daily Show routines, which have Jon, the everyman, interact with a correspondent of some ridiculous pursuit. It’s a gentle rib at the whole situation, but oddly perpetuates them.

Once you know the answer, the behavior pops right at you at the first paragraph. Someone had a crush on the protagonist and he rejected her because it wasn’t ‘his type’, not because she wasn’t compatible, or had no interest in common, but because of her body figure.

Right there, the predators are going ‘that’s the mark’. One of the fascinating things about the group I just mentioned is their fascination with aesthetics. They care what they come off as, rather than who they really are. Another thing, which the protagonist exhibits plenty and something I am preyed on far too often, is how he focuses heavily on his sensational experiences but rarely on others’. It’s as if, as with many things about these people including myself, I can’t stop thinking about myself… There is a new derogatory term called NPC, but I think a significant advantage of neurotypicals is that they can imagine themselves as NPC, as a non-player character in someone else’s story and somehow maneuver themselves around that. 

In part, I understand his persuasions. My head lies in physics and mathematics after all and Leibinz’s law is strong there, the objects are defined by their properties, but real things can’t be defined that way simply because these properties change all the time. People grow, they adopt new styles and attitudes, and yet they are still one. People are narratives, which are unconstrained by rigid properties… In fact, narratives only exist in hindsight in reality.

Reading that story again makes me downright uncomfortable, and also deeply more relatable, which adds to the horrifying feeling. I feel like I am being comfortable in my loneliness… and I notice people leaving me behind, but most importantly there is a rekindling of the deep fear that I have, my lack of empathy… but it’s not really empathy, but something more than that.

So why? Can we save him? The story deliberately starts out in high school, where he is already far too gone. You might notice a rise in autism in the recent decades, and there have been very bad explanations about this, but in actuality there is a social cause. We think complexly to understand ourselves and our place in the world, but starting in the late 70’s, there was a thought in leading institutions that we had solved everything and therefore introspection and outro-spection was not necessarily, the goal was efficiency not finding the goal.

As Thatcher said, there are no alternatives. This was the solution, and any attempt to think otherwise would be a waste of time. Humans need not apply, but not the reason it was originally said. We still needed Homo Sapiens, AI was still in infancy and there are many challenges that still need to be overcome and some that can’t, but they didn’t need to be humans.

So humans were made… lean. They still processed like humans, they could empathize, they were intelligent, but they were left off of thinking complexly, trying to understand his place in the world, so they were easy to manipulate into tools of the state, or go rogue in some cases.

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/29/2023

I am feeling really grateful this morning. Yesterday it got kinda dark but im happy i was able to feel those feelings in a safe space. Right now i’m listening to a frankenstein-song that Jordan’s Song teacher made from one of their projects. Im really grateful to be in thighs creative space. Im grateful to be in this space with them. I feel so creative and so motivated to create. Its like i forgot this person and jordan is reintroducing me to myself. We were talking about being able to see our own light, and i’m grateful to meet jordan because so much of our experience together has been a mirror for me. Well. every experience i have with everyone is a mirror of some sort, but with jordan there are just so many synchronicities its just really hard to ignore. I sometimes have to remind myself that the synchronicities do not mean we would have a great relationship if we were together. But i think that the way we are open to learning about ourselves and open to working on our shit is what makes a great relationship. Also our willingness to communicate honestly.

As im getting into a new relationship i am now becoming more aware of my boundaries, or the lack there of. Or even when there is a boundary in a place that no longer needs to be there. I can feel the boundaries that i had up starting to soften. As the boundaries soften it allows me to experience the pain so much more. The boundaries i had up were to prevent pain, but now that my boundary has softened i am able to feel the pain so much more. I think because i softened the boundary with my mom it hurt me a lot when she didnt believe in my. It hit a chord in me that felt true. I feel like i cant make money or that i dont deserve to. There is still something in me that says i dont deserve nice things so i dont allow myself to have the money for nice things. 

I’m still working on this money stuff. Still trying to figure out what i learned, still integrating. I think there is still more of the ballet experience that im unpacking. I discovered yesterday that i feel very unsafe accepting money from my mom. Maybe i need to just stop depending on her. It feels like if i create this boundary its me running away. But i know i need time to process what happened. Im very hurt. I wish my mom could just listen and let me process. I guess i still have to accept that my mom is just not where i’m at and i’m better off telling her half truths. I dont owe my mom the whole truth, but i feel so inauthentic when i dont. I feel the scared part of me still walking on eggshells with her. 

I hate that feeling of walking on eggshells. That codependent feeling. If i want to end codependent relationships then i need to stop being codependent with people. What is my relationship with my mom? Thats what im really trying to unravel. I feel like clancey caught in the soul bird’s string in the Midnight Gospel. There are so many narratives that i need to unravel. I wonder what would happen if i just approached my mom as another human person in this world. She is my mom, but even the word mom had narratives wrapped around what is expected in the relationship. Maybe i need to stop trying to make a better relationship with my mom and just accept where its at. Maybe i need to be hopeless, not hopeless of change for the future, but hopeless for changing the wat things are right now. Right now i am still hurt and so is my mom. And as much as i can hold space for the pain my mom has experienced, there is pain that i have attached to past experiences with her that i need to hold and tend to, because she is unable to, im really tired when people are like “you know your mom is just not equipped and blah blah” and all that. Like im still fucking pissed off. Im angry. Sure, i know all that, but im still fucking angry. This was a feeling that came up with Kate during the nourishment retreat. I logiced my way to a reasonable reason to why the adults in my life couldnt show up, but that did not address the anger i felt when the adult did not show up for me. 

Feeling this anger is an interesting experience, especially with this spooky music playing. Im so angry. I am angry. There no narrative except the feeling of anger. I wonder if i just feel the sensation. I cant feel it now. Its like the sensation on my come sup when i speak the narrative i wonder if thats what spells are. You say words and feel them in your body and that creates an energetic output that attracts things to you. The anger that I was feeling has now morphed. Angry doesnt usually stay long, it quickly goes to sadness and pain and hurt. 

Its interesting coming into my body and experiencing sensations and seeing what kind of narratives i have attached to them and what feelings come up.

Passive aggressive. I can see the times where i am like that. And the habit of wanting other people to feel my feelings. I need to ask people for their consent if they have space to hold what i’m going through. I feel like ive been better at that. I can recognize the growth i’ve made and im really proud of myself. Im still sad and grieving for the little me that didnt have parents to hold her so well. I need time to process and grieve and for some reason the people around me want to push things. I get it, that what i was like in order to gain control. Thats how my mom gains control, by shaming, guilting, and pushing. Thats how i gain control. We can choose to be different. I can choose to be different. My first step is to accept and be hopeless. Accept that i project my shame in order to gain control. In order for me not to identify it. Wow. by brain and body are very clever to try not to feel the pain of shame.

Honestly, let me shower in that shame. Let me dance in it. Let me rub it all over my body and drag it across my face like war paint. I want to be able to wear my shame and move through this world bearing it like the cross. The shame i felt growing up in the church and in a religious house hold. The shame i felt for wanting to be myself. The shame i felt for believing in magic, and ghosts, and spirits. The shame i felt for feeling my feelings. The shame i felt for touching myself. So mcuh shame. Shame for tending to myself. Shame for getting what iw anted. Shame for spending money. Lots of this shame isnt mine. I dont even know what shame is mine. 

Let me look at the shame around money. The higher me doesnt feel shame for spending money or making large amount of money or even having money. But there is a part of me that does. A part of me thats afraid of it all. A part of me that is still attaching its worth with money. Worth and money was attached growing up in the 90’s. And in my household. We were taught that you were more worthy or better if you had more money and if you were good with money. But “good with money” is subjective. The “good with money” created this disorganized attachment with money. Money was a thing we wanted, but then it would be so bad to spend it. I understand that i need to invest in my home and in my self if i want more money to come back to me ten fold.I understand this because i am not attached to money. I have no attachment to money, because i have no attachment to money i am not desperate for it so it does not cause suffering in my life. But now it is. Its like this past year i’ve experienced all forms of this disorganized attachment and i can see the ways where this still feels disorganized. I think i need to bring this into my body. But i'm not feeling it right now. May i be more aware the next time i feel activated and bring it into my body. 

Yesterday i felt the pang in my chest and immediately hung up. And the my brain went on this wild ride into the pit of despair. I wonder what my body does when im in that pit. I'd like to be aware. There's something but my wearing the shame like a badge of honor that feel kinda good. Like i wanna be able to walk around with the shame and say “Yes, i have it, yes it bothers me, but not so much as it used to. This feeling will only have as much power as i give it. But it will do what it wants to do and i get to observe until i find a healthy relationship with it.

I’m happy to be building these relationships with these different parts of myself. I wanna be able to hold my shame and unworthiness with love and strength. I see the ways where ive tried to rid myself of the shame and rid the things in other people that triggered my shame. I wanna hold my shame’s hand and show her life and say “you see. Its not that bad.” maybe my shame is my 5 year old. Ohhhhh i felt bad for wanting to be a ballerina and i felt bad that my parents didnt have enough money and i felt ashamed that i had expensive tastes. I felt ashamed to be my messy self. I shamed myself for being messy too. I wonder if ive just identified with that shame and its been my base line. I havent been feeling it so its been stuck. Its hasnt moved out of me. Its ok to feel shame and its ok to not feel shame. Both states are accept here and every part of me is welcomed.