#and then your girlfriend becomes senior and then she leaves you because of an argument. and then your purposed slugcat stabs you

[arti-cat]

local group paint doodles (ramblings in tags)

[cherry-poppins]

Take Me Back To The Night We Met- (Nightmare!Sans X Female Reader)

TW// strong language, violence, mentions of suicidal thoughts, ect.

Tales like ours are always sweet sorrow

If i knew it all now i'd do it all again

Forgive me for what will become

and embrace it here now and forever

"Ah!" I cry out, clutching my hand to my shoulder. That's the second wall I bumped into, you'd think I'd get better at the whole running thing.

I pick up my pace as I hear shouting behind me, "You can run but you ain't getting away with this that easily, bitch!!"

I'm so screwed...

So here I am, running for my life, away from some jackass pricks from school because I may have "accidentally"  punch one of  their girlfriends' (Aka the bratty ass popular girl) nose and broke it ... but hey I had a very good reason to!! It's because I caught her cheating and well....

she threatened me, telling me how she was gonna spread all sort of nasty rumours about me to the whole school and blah, blah, blah you get the point. She also slapped me across the face, which I swear is gonna leave a bruise. And then I defended myself like any bullied senior student would do. And of course the snake had to cry to her boyfriend who just  happened to be the popular "bad boy" of the school. Bastard didn't even give me a head start after school. Soon as I left  the gates of hell, him and his gang were already onto me, which they are now currently chasing my ass through the city streets. Fucking peachy....

I bolt through the streets, mazing through shady alley ways, jaywalking across roads, trying to outrun these bastards so I don't get my ass beat. At this point I'm surprised I was even still going, my lungs were burning , my feet felt like I running on glass, and my legs felt like they were about to collapse.

I turned my head quickly to see if they were still on my tail and they were still at it, screaming my names along with petty insults. Choking on my own breath and saliva I try to look for another ally way to turn at, instantly regretting my choice as I turned. Finding myself at a dead end. I look around frantically, hoping there was a way to escape but it was too late.

The boys skidded to a stop as they saw my cornered, they could see that they had won. fighting wasn't even an option, having no experience in combat and them being twice my size.

I backed myself up against the alley wall, try to catch my breath so I could attempt to beg for mercy "Look man, I don't want any trouble-"

The boy laughed, slowing walking up to me with his gang not far behind him "Heh, should'a thought bout that before you hit my girl" he interrupted.

"Man she cheated on your simping ass, I did you a favour!" I yelled, trying to stall. For what exactly?! I'm not sure, a goddamn miracle at this point. To have enough time to have this mental argument with myself?! "Look, why don't we all just go home and forget about this whole mess?"

"Alright, we can all go home and pretend this was  all a bad dream" he paused as he stopped a few feet in front of me.  "After the beat the living crap outta you..."

He curled his hand in to a fist, his arm pulling back aiming for the front of my nose. His hand smashed against the brink wall as I ducked  from his blow. I swear I heard a few knuckles break.

Whilst he was screaming about his new injuries I tried running past him only for me to be yanked back be the collar of my shirt, my back colliding against the brick wall. Before i could even get a chance to shake of the ringing in my ears I felt two sets of arms holist me up and pin my against the wall as the first punch colliding my my right eye. Followed by five more aiming for my jaw, nose, my left eye and again with my nose.

Spitting up blood along with a tooth I tried to stay conscious, all while I had completely lost most of my senses. I didn't even notice being dropped to the ground until I heard three screams of the boys. Next thing I know something grabs ahold of one of the boys, slamming them against the brick wall before dragging the next one by their legs repeating the same beating, before smashing them into the ground.

I could feel myself losing consciousness, I didn't even have enough strength to look who struck fear into the "bad boys "who were getting their asses kicked in. I just laid there, feeling myself grow tired, looking at the streets as my vision goes dark.....

Next thing I know I'm in hospital.

I gasp awake looking frantically around the room, before grabbing my arms which was hooked up with tubes, my face covered in bandages. My body ached from head to toe, feeling like i had been hit by a bus. "What... What happened?" I questioned, my memory was a bit of a blur. Before i could recall the events a nurse walked in, clipboard at hand.

"Good morning miss L/N, hope you had a good rest" She greeted me before checking my monitor that stood beside my bed. "Not exactly, I feel terrible..." I begin before realising something. "Hey nurse, how did I get here?"

"Hm? Oh I'm not sure, you were brought in by someone who dropped you at the emergency and demanding that you were taken care of, you were quite a mess." she spoke, walking over towards me, checking my bruises and cuts, examining the damage. "And now here you are"

Could it be the same person that saved me from those boys? Couldn't be.... I'm not even sure if it was a person.... Heh well now i sound crazy. "Huh, interesting... You didn't even get a look at them?" I asked, wincing as she tried to examine my nose.

"No sorry, he wore a hood which covered his face. We even tried to call the police but its like he vanished." She responded, before going back to her clipboard scribbling down some notes. "Were they a friend of yours?"

"Nope, have no idea who they were." I sighed, laying back down in my bed.

"Hm ok... well the good news is you'll be able to leave today. Nothing is broken but you have severe bruises and have a few splits on you nose, forehead, lip and cheek. but as long as you tend to them with some antiseptic at least once a day you should be fine. we've contacted you're parents and they should come to pick you up soon." she rips a slip of paper from her notes and hands it to me. "A prescription for some medication to help ease the pain and a note to excuse you from school for about a week" She smiles to make me feel better before leaving.

About half an hour later I'm picked up by my mother. The trip home was quiet... a little too quiet. she'd occasionally give me glances through the rearview mirror. When we arrived home i went straight to my room, not wanting to talk about what happened.

I shut the door behind me, my body finding it's way to my bed. I fall into the mattress with a loud sigh.

A week later I went back to school but something was different.

As soon as I walked through the school gates everyone was staring at me and whispering. Which isn't normally unusual but this time they look... scared and cautious. i didn't think much of it until i got to home room. Thankful the teacher didn't act unusual, they just did their job and mark the role. As I sat down in my chair waiting for class to begin i feel something get thrown at my head. I turn around only to be met with a scrunch up paper ball at my face.

A small group of students were crowded together, each with scrunch up pieces of paper , snarky remarks and looks of disgust. "Demon!" one of the boys yelled, throwing another paper ball at my head.

Great just what I needed, it's not like I didn't get enough attention before.

I wouldn't say I was the social reject of the school, its just that nobody really hung out with me and I didn't hang out with any one. And for some reason I was such a great target for bullies and popular asswipes. Lovely..

The next few weeks at school weren't any better, if anything it got worse. The harassment, the rumors. Heck people even avoid me because they're "scared" of me, claiming that I'm possessed.

Unless being possessed feels like you're being followed and watched wherever you go. Which I guess isn't wrong with all the students and teachers but I mean when you're alone and you hear footsteps behind you and every time you check behind me there's no one there....

hat makes matters worse is whenever I think I'm alone I feel as if someone is staring at me and yet whenever I turn my head to check... nothing. I've even heard foots steps behind me and again when I try to check who the fuck is following me, IT'S NO ONE?! I haven't told my parents because they'd probably send me to a mental institution.

Months have gone by.... And at this point I couldn't handle it anymore.

Why did everyone think there's what something wrong with me, why does everyone act like this? Yes the doctors say I'm a bit paranoid, yes i've been feeling anxious... yes I'm not eating well and I've been struggling to sleep. And every time I close my eyes I end up waking up screaming from nightmares that I can never remember....

This is ok.... 

This is fine...

I'm fine...

It's been a year. A whole year since this incident. A whole year of being followed, watched, and tormented... 

Should've bought a cupcake to celebrate

I let out a long deep sigh, staring at my bedroom ceiling. And then did it again because the first one wasn't good enough. For once everything was quite, parents weren't home, nobody watching me, bothering me, no ringing in my ears. All was peaceful.... For about half a hour

"Gahhhhh, what do you want?!" I yell sitting up quickly, grabbing my pillow only to yell profanities into it. "Why can you just leave me be?"

I toss the pillow at the corner of my room before falling back down into my bed. "Well congratulations, you've successfully fucked over my life for an entire year. 24/7, 365. You wanna gold medal or something, oh great mysterious being?!"

"Oh wait I do have something for ya" I flip over then proceed to rummage around the nook between my bed and my bedside table. "hang on lemme just... ahaha" I pull of my hand, smugly flipping the empty space in my room the bird.

"F*CK YOU, you ass!!! Stop screwing me over, I'm too tired for this!!" I yell at nothing, or whatever would listen to me at this point. The neighbours perhaps. 

I fall back onto my bed, the adrenalin had run it course. "go both someone else..." I mumble.

A deep chuckle echoes around my room. I quickly sit up and look around, trying to find the source of the laughter. "Who's there?!" I yell, grabbing a pillow ready to throw it at whatever, "come out you coward!!".

Just when I thought I had just imagined it an inky mass erupted from the floor, taking form into a creature, black as night with 8 thick tentacles emerging from its back. The creature ginned at me, staring at me with its single glowing cyan eye.

"What troubles you lost soul?" the creature asks

WHAT. THE. FUCK. For the first few seconds all I could do it stare at it. [I couldn't even say anything I was frozen, mostly out of shock but i would be lying saying that I wasn't a tad bit scared. 

I dropped the pillow, not breaking eye contact with it's one eye. "Y-you're the thing that keeps following me around..." I speak, my voice barely a whisper.  I wasn't sure if I was speaking to him or talking to myself. "you're the one who helped me that night...." It all started to click together... kinda. All the fear I had left and I was filled with frustration and angry "you're the one who's been fucking up my life for the past year!!" I scream. 

He gave me a sinister grin which never seemed to leave his face, which was ironic since the creature didn't exactly have a face... more resembled a skull? "Yes, so I am"

"Who are you?!" I yell, letting my pent up frustrations out.  "Are you death? Are you a demon?" The amount has thought going through my head was enough to give me a headache but the one that stood out the most went into my next question. "have.... have come to kill me?"

The strange, skeletal being laughed deeply, his permanent smile twisted into a cruel smirk. "My dear If I were death, your fate would be a lot sweeter.."

That wasn't the answer i was looking for but then again if he had wanted me killed he wouldn't have saved me. "T-then... Why have you come?"

"Let's say.... You've intrigued me, which believe me that doesn't happen often" he began circling around me using his long inky tentacles as legs, hoisting himself up, towering above me. "i've been watching you for a while now. I know what you want, I know what you desire" 

Man if  i wasn't so terrified i would've smacked the sh!t outta him by now. "you- you don't know what I want, or desire. you don't know anything about me. This isn't real, none of this is!" I start to yell, shaking my head unable to comprehend wtf was actually going on. Have I really gone that far, have I gone mentally insane? Perhaps I really have gone crazy...

"I beg to differ, you see you've been quite depressed lately haven't you, suicidal even, slashing up you arms with pretty scars, and corrupting your mind with negative thoughts. I feed of this negative energy, it's how I found you, how I was able to watch you. You desire death, no... you crave it. Wanting nothing more than to be erased from this world. and don't bother denying it, I can read your thoughts, well almost all of them. Mainly the negative ones" He spoke as he his tentacles lowered him down enough so that he was at eye level. 

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD, JUST STOP I CAN'T!! IF YOUR GOING TO KILL ME JUST DO IT ALREADY....." i snapped unable to take anymore of him screwing with my mind, i didn't understand what he was getting at but i was sick of the mind game. Tears started to fall from my eyes as everything started hitting me all at once, the wall i was holding up for so long just broke. "please just make it quick, that's the least you could do for fucking me up" I started to sob, falling to me knees not sure what to do next. 

"Moon above..." Nightmare sighed annoyed, turning his back to me as he started to mumble. "This is what happens when you do your job too well... Hhhh I'm not cut of for this" He sighed once more before turning back to me. 

"Look kid, I'm offering you a proposition. You can stay here in this cruel world, resort to self harm and such as the bullying continue and watch as your miserable life ends in suicide or... you can come with me."

"what?" i sniffled, wondering if i had heard him correctly. 

"Come with you?" i repeat, looking up at him before looking down at the wooden floor boards. I'm not sure why i was even thinking about this, why would i go with a complete stranger. but then again he saved me. Once... my life wasn't the greatest but it wasn't the worst either. But you just broke down claiming how he fucked you up why where you now considering going with him to whereever.  Any other situation i would've said no, but this wasn't any other situation.

My gazed turned back to the skeleton, him still standing were he was, cross legged and grinning. "Where..." I ask curiously wiping the last of my tears away. 

"Well I don't want to ruin the surprise, I mean that would be no fun now would it"

I scoff "You're crazy"

"Heh you think I'm crazy, wait until you meet the rest of us" he laughed, leaning his head on his hand. 

"Rest of you? wait there's more of you, what are you a gang?" 

"Eh something like that, so are you going to except my offer or not" he asks again, lowering himself down to the floor so that he was standing by himself. 

That when i noticed he wasn't as tall as you thought, i mean he was still tall, taller than me by a foot. I gave it some thought, ran through all the scenarios and came to the most reasonable one. "No, I don't accept your offer... now if you please leave me be and let me live the rest of my life as normal as possible without you breathing down my neck every two seconds" 

He stayed quiet for a moment, looking at me. As if he was trying to figure out a puzzle, what thoughts were circling through my mind. A few minutes went by before he shrugged.

"Fair enough" He spoke as he turned, facing his back to me again. 

He gave me one last look before turning away completely. "But I'm warning you, this was the simple plan" and with that he melted into the ground and left without a trace. 

"Oh what the fuck, where'd he go?!" I shriek. Now I'm left with more questions than i had before. I get up out of my bed and walk to the place where he disappeared, touching the area wondering if there was some kinda wormhole. Alas nothing, just wooden flooring. I sigh, running my hands over my face and through my hair, trying to calm myself down and have some grip on reality. 

"Hhhmmmm I'm too tired for this...." i grumble before retrieving my pillow and walking back to my bed where I then fall face first into the plush mattress and wrapped myself in my blanket.

I slowly fall asleep, emotionally and physically exhausted from crying and using all of my brain power to comprehend what had exactly happened. I hoped that was going to be the last i had seen of the skeleton. 

-Meanwhile on her rooftop-

Some people have skeletons in their closest, unspoken secrets, dirty lies, untold past, guilty passions. Your skeletons currently resided on your rooftop trying to occupy themselves quietly before going fore with Nightmares plan B. 

Fell had short temper but that temper was longer than his patience. "Yo, ya think she asleep already? Fucking bored waiting for ya'lls up 'er"  Fell called out, kicking a bit of debris from the roof. 

Nightmare gave him a cold stare, annoyed and tired from this entire thing. "Will you be quite? She won't be if u dont keep ur  mouth shut" He replied, biting his metaphorical tongue from yelling at Fell. 

"Hhhh I feel like there's a way more efficient way of doing this, you know?" Error spoke as he finger crocheted with his blue strings, trying anything to pass the time. 

Cross shrugged, mostly unbothered by this situation. "Probably, but she did refuse" he answered. 

"can i eat her?" Horrors asked, kicking his legs back and forth as he sat at the edge of the rooftop.

Dust looked down at Horror, slightly dumb founded. "What? Horror, no. You cant eat this one buddy"  He sighed, already done with Horrors question. 

"aww... why not" Horror pouted and crossed his arms. 

Dust eyes the rest of his brothers, wondering if they're also listening to this absolute tomfoolery. "Because Nightmare wants her alive. Besides, we can't keep her if she's dead" Dust answered. 

"We kept that rabbit once, it was dead" Horror said to himself aloud, trying to justify why he should eat the human. 

"i dont get what's so special about her, there's like a ton of humans just like her? Why can't we take one that'll be more cooperative?" Killer complained, polishing a knife before handing it to Dust. 

"Why must i go through this again, I'll say it one more time and only once more" Nightmare sighed annoyed. " First, She can be useful to us. She's broken, broken things can be fixed and we can fix her to out liking. Second, there's something with her soul that we don't want in the wrong hands" he explained. 

"yeah like the fucking star squad" Fell added. 

"Exactly my point, we need her... Now if any of you are going to question my judgment they can take they're ass back to the castle" Nightmare raised his voice a little, shaking his head before turning his attention back to the dark abyss of the night. 

Killer, sat up and stretched his limbs before, standing next to Horror. "Welp can't argue with the boss, let's do this" 

With that he swung through the window and into her bedroom. Things were about to get interesting. 

AUTHORS NOTE: Ok so this is technically a prequel to a oneshot i made years ago on wattpad which got slightly popular. I'm thinking of turning this into a full fic... maybe. because i'm already in the process of finishing a fic i made back in 2019. if this gets popular enough then probably because imma sucker like that. Anyways Hope y'all enjoy!! Read my stuff on AO3, user name is Cherrysodapop :)

[one-boring-person]

Are you taking requests for Top Gun?? If so could I get a Maverickxreader where he and reader like each other, but reader thinks him and Carole, from the first one, are a thing. So she avoids him until he has enough and goes to her and angst argument about it all and then they end up together! ❤️❤️👉🏼👈🏼

I am indeed taking Top Gun requests, so keep 'em coming! I hope you like this!❤💛

Don't Lie To Me.

Pete "Maverick" Mitchell x reader

Warnings: angst

Masterlist

They're together again. As close as ever, shoulders nearly touching as they sit across from Wolfman and I, faces beaming with broad smiles as always, clearly happy as Larry, neither of them noticing my slight discomfort, my gaze swiftly averting from his handsome face. Maverick eyes me briefly, taking note of my suddenly quiet disposition, offering me a smaller smile than the one he was carrying before, Charlie following his gaze, smirking as she sees me, the gesture stirring up a mixture of jealousy and longing within me. As usual, Wolfman continues the conversation without me, already aware of my discomfort and situation, trying to make this as easy for me as possible by taking their attention away from each other, allowing me to fight the internal conflict raging inside me in silence, my mood becoming more and more sour as the minutes pass.

"I heard we have another mission later? Have any information for us, Charlie?" The man beside me inquires, setting down his fork and sitting forward in his chair.

"I don't, I'm not at liberty to say anything." She denies, smiling apologetically around at us.

"What, is it classified?" Maverick teases, his tone striking a chord inside me - he used to tease me in that voice, but lately he's stopped. Probably due to his newfound relationship with our civilian officer, the thought of which makes me tense up, inadvertently tightening my grip on my fork.

"Correct." Charlie grins back, eyes sparkling cheerfully as they stare at each other, completely ignoring Wolfman and me in particular.

Biting my lip, I shove my chair out from under the table and stand, muttering some barely audible excuse as I take my plate to the clearing station, aggressively emptying all the leftovers into the bin before replacing the cutlery and plate in the tray nearby. I leave the room very quickly afterwards, nearly bumping into Viper as he goes to enter the dining hall, a hurried apology leaving me as I salute him and carry on down the corridor, my feet director themselves to my room. On my way, I encounter a few other commanders and senior officers, saluting them all as they pass, trying not to let my emotions show, though they are doing their best to reveal themselves. Upon arriving at the door to my room, I unlock it and let myself in, going straight to the vanity table, where I lean my hands on it, peering into the mirror.

I'm not surprised to see that my face is contorted into some weird grimace, clearly showing the struggle to repress the raging emotions within me, sweat coating my forehead in a glossy sheen. Lifting a hand, I swipe some of it away, wiping the moisture onto the fabric of my trousers, my eyes falling on a Polaroid on the top of the desk, the familiar photograph portraying Maverick and I on our first day out of pilot school, back when our friendship was very much platonic. Slowly, I pick it up, running a thumb over the creased surface, smiling slightly at our excited expressions, remembering the day in perfect clarity.

A sharp knock on the door snaps me from my thoughts.

Spinning, I smooth out my hair and go to it, opening it to whoever is standing outside, my heart dropping when I see who it is, my expression probably falling, too.

"Can I help you?" I ask, keeping my voice level as I look up at Maverick, butterflies fluttering in my stomach as they always do when I lay eyes on him. I try to ignore them as best I can.

"Yeah, I want to talk to you. Can I come in?" The pilot informs me, normally confident demeanour faltering slightly.

"I guess." I respond flatly, allowing him in. Instead of sitting on the chair he usually takes, Maverick chooses to stand, keeping his eyes trained on me as I close the door and stand with my back to it, looking anywhere but at him. For a good few minutes, we're silent, as if searching for something to talk about, the tension thick enough that it's nearly suffocating.

"What did you want to talk about?" I finally ask, making eye contact for the first time.

"Why you're avoiding me." He simply says, lifting an eyebrow.

Clenching my jaw, I try not to feel embarrassed that he's noticed my attempts to stay away from him and his girlfriend, though I should've known he'd find out eventually.

"I'm not avoiding you." I counter, lying through my teeth.

"Don't lie to me, (Y/n). You're avoiding me, and have been for weeks now. I just wanna know why." The pilot responds, rolling his eyes a little at me, an action which draws some irrational anger into me.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I continue to deny, knowing I'm just digging myself a hole now, but carrying on doing so anyway.

"Why are you lying to me? You and I both know you've been ignoring me!" Maverick's voice rasies slightly, his body tensing up as he becomes angrier, grey eyes piercing through me.

"I'm not! I don't know what you mean, so if there's nothing else you want to talk about, then I think you should leave!" I curse myself internally for saying that, knowing I may well have ruined our friendship with that one sentence.

"Are you being serious right now?!" He exclaims, stepping closer, his jaw sharply defined as the muscles in his neck become rigid, "You're actually trying to tell me you don't know what I'm talking about? Don't be so stupid, (Y/n)! I know you better than anyone else, and I know when you're lying!"

His venom shocks me, but I suppose I deserve that, continuing on with my tirade in an effort to get him to leave, my heart already agonized at the thought of him returning to Charlie to complain about me.

"You think I'm lying? Then fine! Think that! But if I am ignoring you, it's none of your business why! So just drop it and go!" I snap back at him, pointing at the door as I take a step closer.

"I'm not going until you tell me why you're avoiding me, and why you felt the need to lie to me!" He argues back, expression betraying the hurt he is feeling, the sight of it tugging at my heartstrings painfully.

"Why do I need to tell you? It's none of your business!" My voice is nearly fully raised now, my cheeks flushed from humiliation and frustration. Why can't he just leave it alone?

"Because I'm your friend, and I care! If you just start randomly ignoring me, then I'd at least like to know why!" Unfortunately, he has a point, but his use of the word "friend" is like an arrow straight to the heart.

"Well, I don't want to tell you, so just go back to Charlie and leave me alone!" I blurt out, stopping in my tracks when I realise what I said, Maverick clearly realising this, too.

"That's what this is about? Me and Charlie?" He sounds exasperated, which only fuels my anger.

"Of course it's not! I don't care who you're in a relationship with, it's not like I like you like that anyway..." my voice trails off as I once again figure out exactly what I've said, only now realising how close we are, our faces mere inches apart.

My pulse races in my ears as he stays silent, a variety of emotions flashing over his face as he takes in what's been said, the tension between us growing as we breathe in unison, breaths heavy and loud in the quiet. My jaw clenches briefly, before I feel myself being pulled forwards, soft lips suddenly connecting with mine in a searing kiss. Surprised at firstñ ibstary to hesitate, only to reciprocate seconds later, my hands instantly coming up to grip at his hair, pulling him impossibly closer as his move from the back of my neck to cup my cheeks, his lips moving quickly with mine.

As we pull away, gasping for air, confusion wells up in me, as well as a dull sense of horror at the thought of kissing a taken man, even if he initiated it. His fingers lightly stroke my cheeks, eyes look in appreciatively over my face as I release his hair, my hands moving to his chest.

"What about you and Charlie?" I manage out in between breaths, still reeling from being kissed.

A low chuckle escapes him, the sound resonating in his chest under my hands, his crooked smile creeping onto his face.

"Charlie and I aren't together, we never were. I just needed some advice on something from her." He reassures me, stroking back my hair lovingly.

"Advice? On what?"

"How to finally tell you I like you." Maverick grins as he presses another, more gentle kiss to my lips, "I didn't realise that an argument was the way to go."

I giggle at his joke, slapping his chest, playfully.

"I never knew you felt the same way. If I had, I'd have initiated the argument much earlier." He continues, laughing at the crimson blush dusting my cheeks.

"Shut up." I grin, looking away.

Smirking, he leans down to press a kiss just below my ear, before whispering quietly to me.

"Make me."

[samanthadalton]

Star crossed lovers part 7 (au)

pairings: poppy x mc (bea)

warnings: throughout this fic there will be mentions of substance abuse, homophobia, sexual abuse, violence, NSFW, mentions of abandonment, depression and death including suicide

reader discretion is advised

taglist: @somewillwin @cloud9in @save-me-the-last-dance @baexpoppy @stanzoeywade @ognenniyvolk @thepotatobleh @crazzyplays @rxssians @helpconfusedpersonhere @dopeyouth @boys-girls-i-cant-help-it-baby @clowneryme (if you wanna be added on let me know) 

word count: 5.2k (my longest chapter yet) 

if there’s any mistakes i’ll fix it later bc its like 5am here 

part 1: part 2: part 3: part 4: part 5: part 6: 

Birthday Bash 

“Bea.” 

Poppy stares at the brunette, wide-eyed, her knuckles turning white as she firmly grips on the doorknob, but she doesn’t let go. She definitely wasn’t planning on seeing her girlfriend tonight, and judging by the haunted expression on Bea’s face, neither was she. 

“Hey,” is all Bea can squeak out, lips slightly quivering, her eyes a bloodshot red as if she’s been crying for days. Poppy quickly peaks her head out of the doorway, analysing her surroundings, looking for any traces of anyone's presence before clutching onto Bea’s arm and dragging her into the foyer.

“What happened?” Poppy’s voice is soft, timid, her brows furrowed as she takes in Bea’s demeanour. As the lights shine on Bea, Poppy can see her girlfriend’s features more clearly, her cheeks glisten with dried tear stains, while her hair looks like a bush, most likely from Bea running her hand through hair constantly, a habit she does when she’s upset or angry. 

As if right on cue, Bea runs a hand through her hair, her expression distressed.“ Is it safe to talk here?” Bea’s tone’s insecure as she gazes into the strawberry blonde’s eyes for the first time tonight, and Poppy notices the sad glint in her eyes. It takes all of Poppy’s strength to not break down in tears just by looking at her girlfriend. 

Poppy clears her throat, blinking away the tears, “uh yeah, my dad’s not home. Come let’s go to my room.” Poppy contemplates holding Bea’s hand as she sees it fitted closely to the brunette’s side, but reminds herself how volatile things are between her and Bea so she walks ahead of Bea and not looking behind her until she reaches her room. She opens the door and lets Bea into the room, making a beeline for her bed, sitting at the edge while Bea hovers near the door frame, nervously fidgeting as if it’s her first time in the strawberry blonde’s room, her eyes wearily glancing around the room. 

“You can sit if you want” Poppy pats the space near her and Bea gives her a small smile as Bea gives a small nod of appreciation and meanders over to her bed and settles down, leaving a wide gap between herself and Poppy. As the girls look over at each other, familiarity slowly begins to wash over them as the memories that they spent together in the room come flooding into their minds; the late nights, the sneaking out, the kisses, the cuddles, the I love yous. It wasn’t that long ago where the girls were lying down in Poppy’s bed together discussing their future and senior year, but now as they’re in the same space everything has changed, and deep down inside they both know that. 

Poppy gives Bea a warm smile, her eyes full of affection as she waits patiently for her girlfriend to speak first. Poppy knows firsthand to be submissive when Bea is in a mood, otherwise Bea will just close off and the girls won’t make any progress. After some deliberation, she tentatively reaches out, her hand slowly clasping around Bea’s, giving it a squeeze, a small gesture to reassure her girlfriend that she’s willing to wait. Bea smiles internally at Poppy’s action, but after the dispute between herself and her mother, it has been on a constant replay in her head, almost like a never ending nightmare which she can’t wake herself up from. The girls continue to sit in the silence as Bea tries to gain her bearings, her mind going a million miles a minute, but Bea fights against the flight instinct she has become accustomed to over the last couple of months taking a deep slowing breath before opening her mouth to speak. 

“Thank you for letting me in.” 

Poppy frowns, “you’re my girlfriend Bea, I would never turn you away.” 

Bea glances down at the floor, “so why didn’t you want me at the hospital? Or why haven’t you answered my calls? Texts?” A guilty expression flashes across Poppy’s face, as she stutters, struggling to come up with a valid reason, instead she clamps her mouth shut, her lips pressed together in a thin line. Bea reaches out to take Poppy’s cast in both of her hands, her soft fingers delicately brushing against the rough plaster, a solemn look on her face. “When you fell I-” she abruptly cuts herself off as hot tears begin to stream down her face, she shifts her gaze away from Poppy, in an attempt to hide her face. 

Poppy reaches out, cupping Bea’s face in her hands, her thumbs swiping the tears as she places her forehead against the brunettes, speaking softly against her lips, “Bea I know. I’m okay though.” The strawberry blonde’s voice begins to waver but she clears her throat, pushing away the lump in her throat, “I know I’ve been distant lately. Pushing you away and it isn’t fair. We need to stop avoiding this conversation.” Bea nods into Poppy’s hands, sniffling as she blinks away the last couple of tears forming in her eyes. 

“You’re right.” 

And so Bea tells Poppy everything; her unexpected visit from her dad, the argument with Isabella, the night she was almost mugged. Poppy stares intensely as Bea, quietly taking in the information, part of her feels like an idiot, like she’s being selfish. Crying over a broken arm while Bea’s life is completely falling apart. But another part of her feels hurt, hurt that Bea had been concealing all of this. Suppressing all her emotions to the point where Poppy almost blamed her for her fall. 

She understands that her and Bea live in two completely different worlds. But would that be their downfall? Or would they be able to push through their differences and love each other unconditionally? Promise that they will never keep something from the other? Promise to love and commit to each other no matter the consequences? 

Maybe Bea would be able to, but could Poppy? She has more to lose than Bea does, more at stake. But all those doubts perish when Bea gazes at the strawberry blonde, relief flashing across her face. She seems more at ease than when she first came in, like the weight has been lifted off her shoulders and Bea’s problems shouldn’t be her own burden, Poppy knew what she was getting herself into when she decided to be with Bea. No matter how much life threw at them nothing could take away the fact that they were soulmates, who were brought together to balance each other out. 

“Pops?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” Poppy moves in, she places a soft, long kiss on Bea’s forehead before fitting herself in Bea’s bigger frame, her arms wrapping around the brunette’s waist, while her head nuzzles into her neck. “You have nothing to apologise for Bea. If anything I should be sorry. I’ve been such a bitch, when I should’ve been there for you. I hate that we’ve come to this. Not being able to tell each other anything.” 

Poppy hears Bea sharply inhale and lifts her head to look at her girlfriend, “Was there something else?” 

One of Bea’s hands moves to stroke the strawberry blonde’s hair, she solemnly nods, “yes. Don’t be mad I didn’t say anything earlier because I would’ve but you were ignoring my calls.” Poppy pushes herself off her girlfriend studying Bea’s remorseful expression. “It’s about Carter. 

“What about him? Did he do something to you?” Poppy brow’s furrow while Bea shakes her head. 

“He approached me the night of the volleyball, the game where you fell.” her gaze drifts down to Poppy’s cast, “he knows about us.” 

Poppy feels the blood rushing to her ears, as her heart thumps powerfully in her chest. ‘This isn’t supposed to happen, no one is supposed to know’ is all she can think, while her face pales and her eyes continuously blink, wondering if she’s heard Bea wrong. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know how Poppy but he swore he wouldn’t say anything,” Bea stammers. 

Poppy feels anger flaring up in her body as her eyes shoot daggers at Bea, “what the fuck Bea. You know how many times Carter has been to my house in the last week? And this entire time he fucking knew?” Poppy wildly throws her arms around, face reddening by the second. 

Bea feels anger exploding within her, her face scrunched up in a scowl and she starts yelling, “You were ignoring me. I called. I texted. You couldn’t be bothered to check up on your own girlfriend. So don’t you dare” she points an accusatory finger at Poppy, “blame me.” 

Both girls glare at each other, anger reaching a boiling point, the sounds of their tiny quick breaths fill up the deafening silence in the room. Bea takes a step towards Poppy, who in retort takes a step forward too, and without hesitation both girls move in for the kiss, their tongues already tangled together as they fight for dominance. Bea grabs the Poppy by her hips, pulling her closer to her frame, as she angles her head downwards, pushing her tongue into Poppy’s mouth who responds with small moans, her mouth invitingly opening up, as her hands creep up around Bea’s neck, wrapping around it and pulling her down onto the bed. All the pent up anger, passion, the absence of intimacy is met in the kiss, the girls feeding off each other’s kisses not breaking apart for air, as if they can live off the very feeling they’re giving each other. 

Soon the girls pull apart, their gaze fixated on one another, until they break into a fit of laughter, realising how ludicrous the entire situation is. 

“I’m sorry for snapping. I guess I’m scared about people finding out about us.” 

“Hey.” Bea cups Poppy’s face, her thumbs stroking her jawline as her eyes look intensely into Poppy’s brown doe eyes, “I would never let anything bad happen to you. Carter said himself, he’s not the enemy, he’s just an ass.” Poppy lets out an airy laugh, slightly shaking her head, while Bea returns a small smile, “I’m just glad we’re okay now, I missed you.” Bea leans down and places a chaste kiss on the strawberry blonde’s lips. 

“I missed you too. From now on no more secrets okay? We need to make sure we are healthily communicating with each other because I hate fighting with you.” 

“I know, I guess sometimes I just don’t want to burden you.” 

“Bea, you’re my girlfriend, you could never be a burden to me.” The girls share a long look, one filled with affection and appreciation. “You gonna be okay going home? You can stay here if you want.” 

Bea shakes her head, “your dad will be here soon and I don’t wanna risk it. It’ll be fine, I think.” Bea hesitantly adds. 

‘Well, I’m here if you ever need a getaway. And I’m glad we’ve made up because there is no way in hell we are not going to celebrate your birthday.” 

Bea lets out a loud groan, “Dammit it.” 

“We are going to celebrate your birthday Bea Hughes, you are not getting out of this one so easily.” 

…. 

In the following weeks, Bea and Poppy could not be in a better place, though their relationship was still a well kept secret from the students of Belvoire, or at least the majority of them, the girls back to being madly in love. Since cheer was not really an option for Poppy currently, she began investing into her role of head of the school newspaper more, while offering more hours to volunteer at her local animal shelter. Bea on the other hand was pouring herself into maintaining a healthy work/school balance. Her and Aria began a family night once a week, where her, Aria and Poppy and sometimes Veronica, Zoey and AJ would all get together and cook and play board games for a couple of hours. Although Bea and Poppy recently made up, they almost got into another fight after Bea put down a +4 in Uno and Poppy almost lost her shit. All the while, Poppy and Zoey were planning Bea’s birthday party. Bea was never too  crazy about her birthday but after a lot of petitioning from Poppy, Veronica and Zoey she eventually agreed to a birthday party which would be hosted by Zoey. 

…. 

Soon it’s time for Bea’s birthday and as soon as the brunette wakes up from her slumber she immediately goes onto her phone to see a bunch of birthday messages from all her friends. Poppy of course had wished Bea a happy birthday at exactly 12am and left her girlfriend a very long paragraph including all the reasons she loves her. Zoey leaves a drunken voice message, telling Bea that she’s starting the party early while Veronica gives a short and very mundane message just simply wishing Bea a happy birthday. Bea scrolls through the rest of the birthday wishes thanking everyone for the wishes until a pillow comes flying out of nowhere smashing into her face. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG SIS!” Aria jumps onto Bea, giving her some very brutal birthday beats while also not forgetting to give one for luck. Once she’s done, she jumps off Bea’s bed laughing. Bea massages her arms tenderly, mentally planning her little sister’s demise until Aria brings out a small wrapped box from under her bed, holding it out to Bea. 

“Aria you didn’t have to.” 

“Shut up and just open it.” 

Bea amusingly huffs as she carefully unwraps the bow on the box, before lifting the lid. She lets out a small gasp as tears begin to form in her eyes. “Oh my god Aria.” She endearingly stares at her sister before pulling her in for a massive bear hug, “this is the best present ever thank you.’ 

Aria returns the hug for a few moments until breathlessly cries out, “Bea, you’re crushing my lungs.” Bea instantly lets go, sympathetically rubbing her younger sister’s back, 

“Sorry Aria, but this is perfect, how did you know?” She affectionately stares at the picture frame in her hand, beaming at the photo of a young Bea holding a baby Aria in her arms. 

“Because you love that kind of stuff. Mom helped me with it.” 

Bea visibly tenses, “she did huh?” Aria who is completely oblivious about the severity of the altercation between Bea and her mother, only thinking it was just a petty argument that resulted in them not being on speaking terms, merely nods and flounces to the bathroom to get ready. 

After a birthday breakfast where Bea had to take over from Aria who can barely make a decent pancake batter, the girls sit in the living room reminiscing about the past, laughing at the past memories of one another. They’re interrupted by the sudden creaking of Isabella’s door who gingerly looks out of room before stalking towards the kitchen to fetch herself a glass of water. Bea pointedly avoids Isabella’s presence by directing her complete focus to her younger sister until Isabella’s low voice interrupts the conversation. 

“Happy birthday Bea.” 

Bea ignores her mother, clenching her jaw, furious at her mother’s attempt to simply sweep her previous proclamation about not wanting anything to do with her aside. “Hey Aria, why don’t we go to Zoey’s and then I’ll drop you off at your friend’s. We’ll even take my bike.” 

Aria squeals hugging Bea tightly, “seriously? You’ll let me go on the bike?” 

“Yeah, of course. Now go get your stuff I’ll wait here.” Aria rushes into her room while Bea reluctantly makes her way to the kitchen, where Isabella’s expression is downcast as her long nails tap against her glass. “Aria’s staying over at a friend’s tonight and I’ll be home late so I guess you have the house to yourself. Don’t trash it because remember who’s paying the bills in this house.” Bea turns away but Isabella latches onto her arm, her tone pleading. 

“Please Bea. It’s been weeks.” 

Bea aggressively shrugs her mom’s arm off hers before looking directly into her eyes, a fire blazing in them. “And? I meant what I said. No more handouts. You’re on your own. Tell Aria I’m waiting out front.” With that she walks off without a second thought or glance. 

….

Bea’s birthday is soon in full blast, and as Bea walks into the back yard she can’t help but be in awe of Zoey and Poppy’s collaboration to make the party a hit. The fairy lights carefully placed around the trees, shine brightly, a stark contrast to the dark night sky. A arm slings around Bea’s shoulder pulling her close to the warm body, “Happy birthday bitch!” Zoey places a plastic crown on Bea’s head giving her best friend a kiss on the cheek. As looks up and down appraising Bea’s short red dress, “damn girl, 18 looking good on you already.” 

“How are you already drunk? The party just started.” 

“How are you not drunk yet? It’s your birthday, let loose a little.” Zoey grabs Bea’s hands doing a silly dance before Bea breaks apart her gaze serious. 

“What’s wrong Zoey? I’ve known you long enough to know something’s up.” 

Zoey sighs, slumping her shoulders, her expression dejected, “I asked Veronica if she wanted to come to this party together but she said no.” 

“Aww Zo,” Bea pulls in Zoey for a hug. “I thought you guys really liked each other?” Zoey in retort lets out a bitter laugh.

“I guess it was just about sex for her. But fuck her. I don’t need her to have a good time.” She takes a huge swig of her beer, “besides, tonight is a celebration.” She downs the rest of her drink, exhaling sharply, “I’m gonna go grab another drink.” She makes her way to the drinks stand until Bea is tackled by a hug which almost sends her tumbling to the ground. 

“Happy birthday baby.” Poppy gives Bea a huge kiss on her lips, and when the kiss breaks off, Bea licks her lips a little, tasting the cherry lip gloss from Poppy’s lips. 

“Mmm, thank you,” she pulls Poppy in for another kiss until they’re interrupted by a loud cough. 

“Umm I’m here.” Veronica lifts a hand up waving, while a huge wrapped box is fitted to her side, wrapped around her other hand. “Here, happy birthday.” She shoves the box into Bea’s hands who just looks at Veronica gratefully. 

“Wow, thanks Veronica.” Veronica responds with a small hum as Bea begins ripping off the wrapping and then looks back up at Veronica wide-eyed. “Holy shit V, thank you. This is awesome.” She takes out the fresh biker helmet, staring at it in astonishment, a glossy black exterior, with white stripes painted all over it, brings a huge smile to Bea’s face and she gives Veronica a strong one armed hug. 

“You’re welcome.” Veronica beams as she hugs Bea back, “See told you she’ll like it P.” 

Poppy facetiously rolls her eyes, “fine you were right. But” she pulls Bea back to her side giving her girlfriend a quick peck on her lips, “my present is a million times better.” 

“Well duh you’re her girlfriend.” 

“Oh shush Lombardi, you’re just bitter that Zoey isn’t interested in you.” Bea furrows her eyebrows slightly at Veronica who just embarrassingly turns away. “Well let’s go get some drinks.” 

Many of Bea’s friends from the south join the party including Razor who gets a stern (and slightly drunken) telling off from Poppy for giving Bea a knife. Poppy excuses herself to join Zoey and a bunch of others in a game of truth or dare which Bea respectfully declines. As the party carries on, Bea stands at the edge of the living room carefully sipping her beer as she looks around, the music infectiously blaring from the speakers as everyone begins to dance. AJ sidles up to Bea giving her a warm hug wishing her a happy birthday. 

“I was wondering when you would show up.” 

“My dad wanted me to stay for a family dinner since my aunt came over but said I could come to the party once it ended.” 

Bea gives AJ a sincere pat on the back, “Well I’m glad you’re here. Have you spoken to Poppy yet?” 

AJ sheepishly rubs his hand on his neck, a slight frown on his face, “not yet. I’ve been kinda avoiding her but I’ll speak to her and apologize for scaring her.” 

“Alright, go and enjoy the party, I’m just gonna head out for some air.” AJ joins the fray as Bea heads out to the front yard staring at the night sky. 

“I thought you’re supposed to celebrate on your birthday?” 

Bea turns her head slightly to see a smirking Veronica making her way up to her and amusingly huffs, “I just needed some air. Sometimes the music gives me a headache.” 

“Yeah, these parties can be a bit much. But they’re definitely better than the shitty parties from Belvoire’s most finest.” 

“I’ve never been to a Belvoire party before.” 

Veronica exapgreentlying gasps, holding a hand to her chest, “who would’ve thought, Belvoire’s most hated has never been to a Belvoire party,” her voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Bea smirks but her eyes look lost in thought until she looks over at the ombre-haired girl, curiosity in her eyes, “so what happened with you and Zoey, I thought you guys liked each other?” 

Veronica clicks her tongue, her expression contemplating, “she just wasn’t what I wanted.” 

“Oh so there’s someone else?” Bea raises an eyebrow at Veronica who just whole-heartedly rolls her eyes in retort. 

“Maybe. But I don’t know if they want me like that.” 

“Why not? You’re a great girl. I’m sure you would make them very happy.” 

Veronica shakes her head slightly, throwing her head back to stare at the sky, “well, I don’t want to ruin what they already have, it seems” her brows knit together as she ponders what word to use, “solid.” 

“Well you’ll find someone I’m sure. I mean I’m grateful for Poppy, I don’t know where I would be without her.” 

“Yeah, she’s pretty great isn’t she?” 

“Yeah. She is.” Bea smiles, her eyes twinkling as she thinks about her girlfriend. She shakes out of daze and smiles back at Veronica, “thanks again for the bike helmet.” 

“It’s fine Bea. I know how much you love the thing. I just thought you should look cooler while riding it.” Veronica turns to Bea, her expression pondering, “Why do you love motorcycles so much?” 

“Wait.. have you never ridden on a motorcycle before?” Veronica shakes her head. “Oh my god, it’s the best feeling ever, the wind blowing in your face, the speed. It feels like freedom I guess.” 

“Huh. That’s nice I guess.” 

“You guess? No I won’t have that. Come on.” She grabs one of Veronica’s hands steering her towards her bike that’s parked outside the house. “We’re going for a ride now.” 

“Uhhh are you sober enough for that?” Veronica raises an eyebrow at Bea, “I don’t wanna end up on the news for being the influencer who died while riding on a motorcycle with someone under the influence of alcohol.” 

Bea lets out a guffaw, holding her stomach, “I barely drank anything tonight. Trust me, you’re in good hands.” Veronica gives Bea a nod of okay, “uhh wait, let me tell Poppy we’re going for a ride, I’ll be right back.” She leaves Veronica on the sidewalk making her way into the house in pursuit of her girlfriend. She finds the strawberry blonde in the middle of the dancefloor, dancing her heart out to the music, drunkenly singing along to the words. Bea comes from behind, pulling Poppy’s hips to hers, and leans down to whisper into her ear, “looks like you’re having a good time.” Poppy in response, reaches back, her hands entwining around Bea’s neck as she grinds against her hips. 

“I have to admit, even though I had a hand in this party, Zoey really outdid herself.” 

Bea twists Poppy around placing a kiss against her girlfriend’s lips, “i’m glad you’re having fun, you deserve it babe. Veronica is waiting outside for me though. She told me she’s never ridden on a motorcycle before so imma take her for a ride on my bike okay? I’ll be back.” 

“Okay.” 

Poppy slightly freezes when she sees AJ enter the room, Bea follows her gaze, a solemn look on her face, “he wants to talk to you by the way. I think he wants to apologise.” 

“Yeah I guess we should talk,” Poppy sobers up slightly as she releases Bea and stands a little taller, “I’ll catch you later okay, I still need to give you your present.” 

“Okay,” Bea smiles down at her girlfriend before planting a chaste kiss on her lips, “let me know how it goes between you.” 

Poppy nods and makes her way to AJ while Bea moves towards the front yard. When Poppy reaches AJ she gingerly taps him on the shoulder, AJ jumps from the sudden touch, spinning towards Poppy almost dropping his drink in the process. 

“Gah! Sorry Poppy.” He drinks the contents of his cup before placing it on the counter and looks at the strawberry blonde. “So I’m guessing you spoke to Bea huh?” 

“Yeah, we should go somewhere quieter and talk.” AJ follows Poppy out to the corner of the back yard, away from the rest of the partygoers. “So.” 

“So.” 

“I know Bea already spoke to you about the party and stuff but I guess I wanted to thank you.” 

“Thank me?” AJ says surprised. 

“Yeah. What you did was kinda dumb but your heart was in the right place.” AJ lets out a small laugh shaking his head slightly. “I’m just grateful you would protect me like that AJ.” 

“Of course I would Poppy. You’re Bea’s girlfriend. And even if you weren’t you needed help. I hate when guys think they can do whatever they want to girls without facing the consequences.” There was a depth to AJ’s words, like he wasn’t just talking about that one ordeal, Poppy contemplated asking but AJ is just as fickle as Bea if not more, his behaviour and moods are often unpredictable so Poppy made a mental note to speak to Bea about it later. 

“Well it was very brave of you AJ. I’m glad Bea has amazing friends like you.” 

“Well you’re my friend too Poppy, and you deserve to have someone other than Bea to have your back.” 

Poppy turns silent, absorbing AJ’s revelation, were any of her friends as diehard as Bea’s? Would they ever assist Poppy like how AJ did? Poppy begins wondering if her friends were truly her friends at all, as she looks over at AJ, the young sophomore goofily grinning back at her, and she can’t help but smile. AJ is family to her, how Bea is like an older sister to him means that Poppy is also a sister to him too, and family, look out for each other which is something she’s beginning to learn. She tugs AJ close to her, pulling him into a back-breaking hug as she sobs softly into his shoulder, “thank you AJ, for everything.” 

AJ is too stunned to reply, so his hold around Poppy just tightens as the two just bask in the warmth of the embrace, content that they can rely on each other. 

All the while, Bea takes Veronica out for a ride on her bike while wearing her new helmet which was graciously gifted by the ombre-haired girl herself. 

“It looks good on you.” 

“Thanks.” Bea swings her leg around the bike before settling on the seat, she nods her head towards Veronica, “so? Hop on.”

Veronica timidly ambles towards Bea’s bike and climbs behind the brunette as her legs brushes slightly against her hips. 

“Hold on tight okay? We don’t want you falling off.” Bea says looking back, a widespread grin on her face. Veronica moves closer to Bea on the bike, her hands coming around to grip Bea’s stomach, “just a little tighter V.” Veronica squeezes her arms around Bea’s waist, “perfect. You ready?” 

“Let’s go.” 

Bea takes off on the bike, slowly at first but when she feels Veronica’s fingers beginning to relax around her waist, she begins to speed up, the wind breezing against her helmet while Veronica’s hair freely moves against the wind. The streetlights begin blurring as Bea increases the speed, the motorcycle going almost 50 miles an hour, and Veronica closes her eyes, relishing in the freedom Bea promised she would feel. They circle around the block a couple of times until it comes to a stop and Bea takes off her helmet shaking out her curly hair. 

“Oh my god.” 

“So? How was it?” 

“It was fucking exhilirating. Holy fuck Bea. Maybe I should invest in a motorcycle.” 

Bea lets out a laugh, “you definitely should, see I told you it’s amazing.” 

“Yeah yeah you were right.” Veronica pulls out her phone and gasps, “shit Poppy texted like a hundred times, come on it’s time to cut your cake.” 

The girls make their way to Zoey’s kitchen where everyone stands in a circle, eagerly and a few impatient, waiting to cut the cake. 

“There she is!” Zoey screams as the rest of the party goers cheer and Poppy sidles to Bea’s side giving her a kiss on her cheek. Zoey lights the candles as the group of people break into singing happy birthday. Bea pauses before blowing out her candles, a fond look in her eyes as the candles are blown out and eventually the cake is distributed between everyone and Poppy and Bea settle on the couch with Veronica sitting next to Poppy while Zoey and AJ sit next to Bea all silently eating the cake. 

“So how was the ride?” Poppy asks. 

“Awesome. Veronica is now a motorcycle convert.” Bea jests and Veronica rolls her eyes slightly. 

“Hey, I never had anything against motorcycles okay? I’ve just never been on one until tonight. But it was honestly life changing.’ 

The three girls break into a fit of giggles until Poppy reaches over, intertwining her fingers of her non broken hand, with Bea’s whispering in her ear. “Well I think it’s time for your present.” Bea gleams at Poppy as she allows herself to be pulled away from the couch but not before looking back and giving Zoey a sly smirk hinting at the fact Zoey and Veronica are now sitting next to each other. 

Poppy pulls Bea into Zoey’s empty bedroom before pulling Bea into a long passionate kiss. 

“Is this my present?” Bea grabs Poppy’s hips, a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

“That’s for later babe,” Poppy indulges in Bea’s desires for a few moments, allowing herself to get lost in Bea’s kiss as their tongues tangle together, eliciting a few soft moans from the strawberry blonde. Poppy pushes Bea slightly back, and rests her forehead against Bea’s, “stop distracting me, I gotta give you your present.” 

Poppy brings out her phone and pulls out a picture of an empty apartment, showing the picture to Bea. Bea looks at the photo confused, raising a pointed eyebrow at her girlfriend. “Uhhh I don’t get it.” 

“This is our apartment in New York. I put an early deposit on the place so it’s officially ours.”

read part 8 here 

[stickyhoney]

This is it.

Title: This is it.

A/N: This is a very personal story to me. I recently exited a serious relationship, he was an enlisted army man. Writing about Syverson in many ways reminds me of him, so I consider this as a way of helping me move on. Truthfully Henry and my ex have a lot in common, so it can sometimes be hard for me to separate the two in my heart and words. This story won’t have a happy ending, at least for right now. Sorry in advance for the angst lol

Pairing: Younger Cpt. Syverson x Reader

Warnings: Pretty sad not gonna lie, flashbacks of fluff kinda, adult language, mentions of depression

You remember the day you met him, Syverson. You were just a sophomore in college, him a senior. He walked into work, wearing his tan cargo shirts and army green shirt. Immediately, you found him attractive. He was your type after all. At that point he had a large frame, slightly muscular, standing over 6 feet. You also remember how well you two got along back then. He made you laugh, sometimes to the point that tears streamed down your face, and your stomach tensed.

That’s where it all started, a great friendship. The more time you spent with him, the more your attraction grew. You two ate dinner every Tuesday night together after work, you would sit and talk for hours. Sometimes the two of you would talk until the food court had to kick you out because they were closing up. Everyone who knew the both of you, whether from work or your friends, wondered why the two of you weren’t dating yet. You knew. While the two of you were close, you always sensed he was withholding. That feeling has never changed.

two years later…

“What did I ever do to you to deserve this?” You choked on your tears, your eyes burned. The pounding of your head didn’t hold a candle to the thoughts racing through your mind.

It was all in your head. You fool. He never loved you.

You looked up to him, through your vision was all a blur. Nothing could be seen through your tears, so you squeezed your eyes shut until you felt the red hot tears fall down your cheeks. You knew you probably looked a mess, but you couldn’t find the strength to care. Physically you felt ill, mentally you felt drained, emotionally you felt agony. You dared open your eyes again, and there he was. Hovering over you, his eyes were full of guilt and pity.

“I never wanted to hurt you [y/n].” It always made you angry in the past when he stayed perfectly calm during arguments, when he cold as a stone. You thought it was because of the army at first, since they trained him to keep his emotions under lock and key. Over time you wondered if they had changed him for good, if his emotions were now something of the past. Now you knew better. He just never cared enough to argue.

“You hurt me worse than anyone could ever do again. You made me love you. You made me love you when you didn’t have a care in the world for me!” Unable to get up on your feet, you decided to stay seated on the shag rug. Your words had turned into quiet screams, your throat had dried out from your heaving. You were a true mess. Sy bent down to you, his hand falling on your knee. Bile rose in the back of your throat at his touch. Strongly, your hand smacked his away. You crawled away from him, your mind starting to enter a frenzy.

“I never said I don’t care about you.” You swear you could almost see tears forming in his blue eyes. “You know how much you mean to me.” Giggles started building in your chest, slowly forming into full laughs that escaped your lips. If anyone saw you, they would declare you a madwoman and have you committed. “I’ve given you everything I have. My heart, my love, my patience, my forgiveness, even my fucking dignity!” You wave your hand around yourself, showing the proof of lost dignity.

You stayed by Sy through his worst moments, helped him through his pain, or when he was being an arrogant asshole. That one grew to happen more often as time passed. Once he entered special forces, the small part he was hiding away from you grew larger and larger until you felt as if you didn’t know him at all. Sy had become his job. A cold, calculated, soldier. The joke was on you however, you thought he could be the man of your dreams. That your best friend could turn into your soulmate.

“I-I am not in the right head space for a relationship [y/n]. I never should have asked you out, for that I am sorry. But, you can’t blame me for everything.” He fell back onto his rear, his arms bouncing off his knees in defeat. The floor shook under his weight. You clasped your hands together in an effort to stop the shaking. “Oh trust me. I blame myself for making a mistake. I blame you for making my trust in you a mistake.” Your limbs begin to regain their power, allowing you to pull yourself up onto your feet.

1 Year Prior…

You were laughing with your girlfriends on the way back from lunch. It was freezing cold that day, but your friend insisted on wearing dresses. It was valentine's day after all. They were trying to cheer you up, they knew how sad you were over saying goodbye to Sy. Your cheeks burned from the cold wind, probably a bright crimson against your skin. You cursed your friends for talking you into wearing a dress in 10 degree weather. A red sweater dress clung against your form, something you would never have bought yourself. So of course your friends talked you into it. The laughs of your gang brought a genuine smile to your face. Then you saw him walking towards you. Your eyes had to be playing tricks on you. He looked just as surprised.

“Hi.” His gaze never strayed away from you until your friends spoke. “Who is this?” They were eyeing him up and down, drinking in his muscles that looked masculine in his dress shirt and khakis. You had never shown them a picture, afraid they wouldn’t believe you. Also afraid they would castrate him if they ever saw him in public. “Syverson. Nice to-” One of your friends hated his name with a burning passion for hurting you, so when she registered that it was truly him, she was not pleased. “You son-of-a-bitch.” He seemed unphased, if the army gives you one thing, it’s thick skin. “I’ve gotta go. I have a meeting.” He walked past you, as though nothing had been said between you.

Ten minutes into your friends roasting you alive for not telling them how hot Sy was, you phone buzzes in your lap. A text from him. Speak of the devil. “Would you like to have dinner tonight? Keep the dress on.” Your heart began pounding. A huge smile formed on your face, causing your friends to stir.

Back to present day

“You need to leave.” You now were looking down on him, he looked strange down on the floor like that. You had never seen him so vulnerable before. “I can’t lose you.” Your lip quivered in disgust at the man in front of you. “So you want me to care for you, and love you, but you won’t give me the same?” Sy had gone speechless, choosing silence as his answer. “You never made me feel like enough. I felt like I was just an adequate addition to your life, constantly fighting to keep your attention.” The television was still on from the two of you sitting on the couch watching Netflix. His army duffel bag still sat by the door like normal, his ball cap on your coat rack. “You need to leave.” It felt as if sacks of flour had been tied to your ankles, but you forced them forward to the door.

Your hand holds the doorknob, making you question your actions. Your brain has to take control from your heart. You look back at him, still sitting in the same spot on the floor. He pulls himself off the floor strongly, and grabs his phone off the coffee table. “I’ll give you some time.” Sy throws his jacket and ball cap on, and grabs his duffel bag off the floor. “This is it. I am not going to let you back in anymore.” You pull your front door open, and look to the floor. You can’t give him the chance with those blue eyes, then you would never move on.

He walks through the door, his boots sounding harsh against the wood floor. Before you can change your mind, you shut the door behind him. You drop to your knees, knowing that you may never feel that way about someone ever again.

[harry-hollands]

selcouth // harry holland // 1

chapter 1: sunshine after the storm

story summary: Harry was used to living in his brothers’ shadows. Tom was the actor and Sam was the cook and musician. He was used to being second best and genuinely gave up on finding someone who could love him for him. Someone who could believe that Harry wasn’t second best. His mindset changes however, when he meets you. The sunshine to cast away all of the shadows.

chapter summary: harry finds his life a whole light brighter

pairing: harry holland x reader

warnings: none? maybe a few swears, slightly fluffy, moody harry,

word count: 1.6k

It was a bitter winter day, the brooding clouds seemed to match Harry’s mood. Ready to explode at any given moment in time. Why was Harry annoyed might you ask? Maybe because there was a nauseating reminder in front of him about how painfully single he was.

The heat was on full blast at the Holland-Osterfield-Barret residence, and a fire was blazing in the fireplace, but it wasn’t quite enough to fight off the bitter chills. Almost everyone was coupled up. Even Harrison, Harry’s go-to when he got sick of third-wheeling the long-term couples had someone to hold. 

“Harry? You alright there mate?” Came the concerned voice of Tom, who unknowingly, and unintentionally, made the twenty-three-year-old more agitated than he already was.

Harry scoffed but nodded. “M’fine. I just don’t need to be reminded of how tragically single I am while you all are cuddled up.” The boy reminded sharply, slightly glaring at the pathetic looks Nadia and Elysia held upon their faces, something Harry instantly regretted when he noticed both of his brother’s shared a threatening scowl at him, a silent appeal to conclude his nasty behavior.

Sora Tanaka, Haz’s girlfriend of eight months, and the only one brave enough to test the waters of Harry’s testiness, gave a genuine smile to the aspiring photographer. “Harry, maybe I could introduce you to one of my best friends. She’s probably one of the most genuine people I know, and I truly do think this could be what you might need right now.” 

Harry gently considered Sora’s words. Out of all of his friend’s significant others, Sora was probably his favorite. Maybe it was because she grew up in Hawaii, where everyone was laid back, maybe it was because Sora didn’t give a rat’s ass about what people thought of her, or maybe because she was the youngest in the group besides Paddy. Either way, Sora’s offer was one that caught the boys’ attention.

“Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You want to introduce Harry to one of your mates? Willingly?” Harrison stated astonished, knowing exactly how protective his girlfriend got when it came to any of her close friends and family.

“Is it honestly that surprising? Your best friend needs change in his life, and all of you aren’t exactly helping with what he needs.”

“And how do you know what he needs? Are you Harry?” Tom piped up, eyebrows raised at Sora’s subtle accusation.

“I don’t know what he needs, but I sure as hell know that you shouldn’t bring someone so painfully single on a double date!” Sora retaliated, her tone becoming sharper and more defensive.

As hilarious as the whole encounter was, watching Sora give Harry’s older brother a verbal beatdown, he knew that he should probably put an end to it before anything could escalate. It seemed Harrison and Nadia shared the same idea, as they all exchanged a look and came to a silent agreement that they had let Tom and Sora go at it for way too long.

The sound of feet pattering down the stairs was heard, and along with it an alluring melody. Sora sharply cut off the argument she was dominating Tom at, as she keened her senses to the voice coming from Paddy’s phone.

“Who are you talking to mate?” Sam questioned curiously, as faint hints of the song were heard through the now awkward silence. 

Paddy had been upstairs talking to Y/N, an American exchange student he had met while exploring LAMDA. Paddy had decided he wanted to follow in Tom and Harrison in the acting department, and after he had graduated from the BRIT School, he immediately applied to Haz’s alma mater. (Harrison still had to thank Paddy for introducing him to Sora at a function that Tom had been unable to attend.)

“Oh...uh...Hamilton’s Instagram page is live right now. I was talking to my friend, but she had to go due to Hamilton rehearsals, so now I’m just watching them. This whole week is ensemble training. The current cast members are going to step down soon so they have to make sure the ensemble is ready to take over.” Paddy explained before exiting the stream and looking over at Sora.

“Oh Y/N says hi, and that you don’t have to pick her up. Aiyana is more than willing to.” Paddy relayed, but immediately narrowed his eyes at Sora’s mischievous smirk on her face. The younger boy sighed exasperatedly before asking the question he didn’t want the answer to. 

“What are you planning?”

“It’s nothing! I’m just thinking that Harry should accompany me! Besides, I should introduce you to Y/N! She’s so fucking talented, that I’m still in shock that she hasn’t been discovered yet!” Sora exclaimed, shooting Harry a suggestive smirk.

At the immediate mention of Y/N, Elysia shot up from her position on Sam’s lap, which in turn, startled the man, and an immediate slur of sorry’s were exchanged. “Wait. Wait. Wait. Are we talking about the same Y/N? Y/N L/N right?”

Sora turned to Elysia and nodded enthusiastically. “The very one!” The American exclaimed before a look of confusion crossed her features. “Wait, how do you know Y/N?” 

Elysia shyly giggled before recalling her first encounter with the unreserved female. “I believe it was Y/N’s first week in London and I met her at a theatre cast party. One of my cousins attends LAMDA, and is friends with her. Anyway, she invited me to the party, and it was so chaotic! I loved it. Y/N was teaching us some American party games, and then we started doing improv. Let me tell you, that girl is hilarious and I love her, and her energy.”

Harry cleared his throat, and finally, the attention was on him. “I mean, I’m down to go with you. What time are you supposed to pick her up?” He asked curiously, glancing at his phone for the time, which read 6:19 pm. 

Sora also glanced at her phone before placing her attention on the youngest Holland. “Is she done now?”

Paddy unlocked his phone and glanced down at Hamilton’s Instagram page before nodding. 

“Yeah. Looks like they just ended the stream. Mind if I tag along? Y/N/N forgot her winter coat in my car today, and the forecast claimed that it should be thirty degrees out.” Paddy responded before shrugging on his winter coat and boots. 

Harry’s face melted into a concerned frown. “Who forgets their winter coat on one of the coldest nights of the year?” The boy stood up from his spot in one of the love seats, and shrugged on his winter coat, Sora following suit. 

Paddy shrugged. “Y/N was in a rush to go. Today was the first day of dress rehearsals, and her hair wasn’t cooperating. When it finally did, she was extremely late, and almost didn’t make it inside the building in time.”

Sora shook her head. “Or maybe because she’s still not used to England weather? I mean Y/N, our other friend Aiyana, and I all grew up in Hawaii. All we know is the sun, sand, and ocean.”

“Ok, I just texted her. Y/N said to hurry because she’s waiting outside, and she swears she’s going to die of hypothermia. Oh! And she’s cool with coming back here if that’s what you were planning Sor.” Paddy piped in after typing something on his phone.

Harry and Paddy clambered into the car, with Sora in the driver’s seat. The car filled with gentle chatter, mainly from Harry asking a little more about Y/N, Paddy denying Harry a picture of what she looked like, and Sora cackling at Harry’s shocked expression of his younger brother denying him the ability to see what Y/N even looked like.

Around twenty minutes later, the trio had arrived outside Victoria Palace Theatre, and a figure came running at the car. Sora laughed as she unlocked the car, and Y/N threw her stuff in the boot/trunk of the car, slammed it shut, before running to open one of the doors, clambering in beside Harry, and slamming the door shut.

As soon as Y/N was buckled in, and Sora took off, back to the Holland-Osterfield-Barret residence, Harry turned to introduce himself before he felt all the air being sucked out of his lungs and body. 

‘Holy shit,’ was all Harry could think when he saw the twenty-one-year-old. The young photographer was stunned into silence. Harry swore that Y/N was the prettiest woman he had ever seen. Nothing had taken his breath away quite like Y/N had. 

In an attempt to recover, Harry flashed a sincere smile before waving shyly. “Uh. Hey. I’m Harry. Sora’s mentioned you a couple times.”

Y/N smiled brightly at Harry and giggled shyly. “I’m Y/N. I’m an exchange student, but looking to stay here full time, instead of immediately leaving right after my senior year.”

Harry’s head was swimming. All he could think was that he had met the literal definition of sunshine. Her smile was as bright as the sun, her giggle was as soft as a warm summer breeze, and her voice was ethereal. Not even five minutes into meeting the girl and he was already whipped. Harry swore that Y/N couldn’t be remotely human. She had to be a goddess. Maybe she was Apollo. A female incarnation of Apollo.

Harry nodded, returning a smile in kind. He could stare into her eyes forever. They exerted such a warmth, and only sitting next to her, Harry felt secure. Like he could tell Y/N anything without being judged. It was decided. She was his sunshine. His sunshine in the dark. God, he was so whipped.

Taglist: @peeterparkr​ @captainchrisstan​ @astridcommings @purpleskiesstorm @euphorichxlland​ @hollanderfangirl @zukoverse

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

[kpopmultifan127]

UserName: HaechanTheSun02 (PART 2)

*DISCLAIMER: Anger, unprotected sex, smut, fluff, jealousy, violence*

Please read PART ONE HERE FIRST!

Sorry POV keeps changing....

Characters: Donghyuck x female reader

Word count: 2,750

@organic-hemp asked for it and here it is :)

Chemistry was now one of y/n favorite subjects. They both got an A on their project and y/n grades for that class made a huge difference.

Teacher: nice job y/n....I guess seating you next to Donghyuck paid off.

She says handing y/n her test scores. y/n felt Hyuck’s hand on her thigh as he smiled at her as he whispers.

Hyuck: nothing like reward sex was a good motivation

y/n nudged him under the table and whispers.

y/n: oh my god Hyuck...shhh..

He let out a giggle. Y/n never felt so happy. Her grades were finally looking good, she’s dating the man of her dreams and she has a job where she can work from home. Her mom’s friend gave her a job where she just has to go over outlines for meetings and make sure everything looked good before it gets sent out. Pretty simple job and it paid well, she was more happy that she doesn’t have to leave her house.

y/n and Hyuck were crazy about each other. The love, lust everything was there. Many times Hyuck couldn’t control himself when sitting next to y/n. Always wanting to put his hand on her thigh working it to her core. No matter where they were.

The teacher was showing a video for the chemistry class for their next project.

Teacher: Mina...can you turn off the lights please?

Mina got up and turned the lights off as the teacher began to play the video. Y/n then felt Hyuck’s hand work his way to her thigh going towards her core.

y/n: babe we are in class....what are you doing?! 

She whispers to him.

Hyuck: what..we are in the back. no one is gonna see plus the lights are off... just let me touch it a little...

y/n: ...babe no..

Hyuck:....but you’re wearing a skirt..you’re killing me here babe. That’s like an open invitation for me to do stuff to you.

He gave her the puppy dog eyes and begged her to let him play with her. She was already feeling wet before he even started. y/n glanced around to see if anyone could see what he was about to do. Then she slowly opened her legs to allow Hyuck get access to her core. He leans in towards her ear and whispers.

Hyuck: damn babe I didn’t even start and you’re wet already...

He began to rub her feeling the wetness through her clothes, and he felt himself become hard. He grabs her free hand to place it on his pants where his hard member is being held down.

Hyuck:...babe look what you did....how are you going to fix it?

y/n bit her lip as he knew what she wanted to do but couldn’t because of where they were.

Hyuck: what are you gonna do...we are in class I can’t fuck your mouth right now.

y/n let out a soft moan making the teacher look back.

Teacher:...are you ok back there y/n.

Hyuck let out a small giggle as y/n nudged him again.

y/n: yes ma’am sorry I hit my shin on the desk.

Teacher: be careful please.

She then continued the video.

y/n:...babe stop.

y/n then saw her phone lit up. It was a message from Mina.

{From Mina 12:32 pm} you guys are fucken disgusting...in class really?! 

y/n giggled looking up over at Mina as she shaking her head. She knew what you guys were doing.

{To Mina 12:34 pm} lol what are you talking about?

{From Mina 12: 36 pm} you both are horny bastards...

The video finished as the teacher turned the lights back on. Hyuck readjusting himself along with y/n fixing her skirt so no one could see what just happened. Hyuck leaned in by y/n ear and whispers.

Hyuck: this shit ain’t over...you still need to fix what you started.

The bell rang for lunch as everyone was packing their bags to go for lunch. Mina and Johnny walked over to y/n and Donghyuck’s table. 

Mina: hey horny bastards...

y/n: oh my god Mina shut up.

Johnny:...huh?

Hyuck:....nothing dude... letting out a giggle.

The 4 of them left class and headed over to the canteen. Hyuck with his arm wrapped around y/n. A voice in the distance called out for y/n and she turns around to see who it was. Hyuck moving his arm out of the way from y/n. It was her old classmate from high school, Doyoung.

y/n: oh my god Doyoung?!

Doyoung: y/n! long time no see!

As she goes in for a hug to Doyoung. Hyuck had an angry glare, Mina noticed and nudges him.

Mina: relax tiger.

whispering to him. Hyuck watching y/n and Doyoung talk for a little bit.

Hyuck: who’s he?

Mina: her old high school classmate. He left before our senior year to go back to Seoul to study music...but I guess he’s back.

Johnny:...is someone jealous? haha

Hyuck:....no. I’m....not.

Mina nudges Johnny. y/n then realizes who she was with.

y/n: oh my god I’m so sorry guys, where are my manners. Doyoung these are my friends! Well you know Mina already.

Mina: hey Doyoung. long time no see.

Doyoung: yeah hey Mina!

y/n: this is Johnny.

Johnny: hey man.

Then y/n wraps her arm around Hyuck giving him goosebumps and introduces him.

y/n: and this is my boyfriend Hyuck.

Doyoung: ah boyfriend?

y/n: yes... She says with a huge smile on her face. Hyuck should be happy as she was so happy when she introduced him as her boyfriend.

Doyoung: nice to meet you Hyuck.

Hyuck:...likewise.

but something just wasn’t right with him. He held y/n’s hand tight making sure Doyoung knows who she belonged to. They all got to the canteen and had their lunch. After they finished school Hyuck waited outside the school for y/n. Hyuck and y/n last class was different from each others but he always waited for her so he can take her home. He was irritated all day even though he knew y/n wouldn’t do anything with Doyoung. It still made him jealous and angry inside. He finally sees y/n walking out of campus but she wasn’t alone. He sees her with Doyoung.

Doyoung: did you need a ride home? I don’t mind taking you

y/n: oh no it’s ok. Hyuck is taking me home. Thank you though.

Doyoung:...he better keep you close. you never know who might just take you away from him.

y/n let out a nervous laugh.

y/n:...oh. ok well see you tomorrow.

y/n quickly walked over to Hyuck. When she got close she leaned in to try to give him a kiss as he looked away. 

y/n: are you ok baby? what’s wrong?

Hyuck:...nothing. lets go.

y/n didn’t understand what was happening but you got into his car. Hyuck drove off making the drive to her apt quiet and awkward. y/n decided to break the silence.

y/n: what’s going on? are you mad at me?

Hyuck: why would I be mad at you?

y/n: well obviously something is up because you’re not talking to me. what the fuck was up with you back at school?

the conversation ended up turning into an argument. Still arguing as they got to her apartment. 

y/n: I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU’RE SO JEALOUS OF HIM. YOU ALREADY KNOW I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING WITH HIM!

Hyuck: THERE’S SOMETHING I JUST DON’T LIKE ABOUT THAT GUY! HE WANTS SOMETHING FROM YOU! WHY ELSE WOULD HE END UP AT OUR SCHOOL RANDOMLY?!

y/n: OH I DON’T KNOW MAYBE TO GO TO SCHOOL! WHAT THE FUCK HYUCK!

Hyuck never seen y/n lash out like that. He knew he fucked up and she was mad. He could see tears start to fall from her eyes.

Hyuck: look...I’m sorry. My jealousy took over me...I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just that I feel like he wants something more from you. I can see it in his eyes.

y/n: what do you mean? He’s just a friend from high school.

Hyuck: y/n I’m a guy I can see it in his eyes he wants all of you. It’s the same look that the guy had in his eyes before he took my gf away from me. I didn’t want it to happen again. I really like you y/n....

y/n came closer to him as she reached out to hug him really tight. Placing her head on his chest as she heard his heart beat faster and faster. y/n looking up at Hyuck as she tipped toed to give him a kiss on the lips.

y/n: I would never leave you for someone else. I like YOU...not Doyoung. YOU.

Hyuck smiled and leaned in to give y/n another kiss. Making it more passionate, the kissing turning him on. He picks her up and throws her on the bed. His gaze changed instantly as he saw y/n bit the bottom of her lip as she starts to undress herself.

Hyuck: you still need to finish what you started earlier.

y/n craved for him all day, finally finishing what they started and she pull the waistband of his pants down releasing his hard member. y/n licked her lips before giving his cock kitten licks.

Hyuck:...no don’t tease me now babe let me fuck your mouth now.

he begins to thrust in and out of her mouth hitting the back of her throat. Hyuck twitches in her mouth as he can feel he was ready to cum already.

Hyuck: damn baby I’m ready to cum....but I wanna cum inside your pretty lil pussy.

y/n: please baby....fuck me now.

y/n then slides back on the bed as Hyuck inserts himself in her hot core both releasing a moan.  Thrusting in and out. Each time they had sex it felt like it was the first time every time.

Hyuck:...baby I’m gonna cum!

y/n: Hyuck me to--oh my god I’m cumming!!

They both ride out their high as Hyuck became wobbly and softly laid right next to her cleaning them both up. Both staring at the ceiling panting from the crazy sex they just had.

y/n: damn...babe that was great make up sex.

Hyuck: fuck yeah it was...shall we shower and go to sleep?

They both showered and Hyuck spent the night over at her house. He’s been staying over her house quite often now since Jeno got a girlfriend and the place just seemed smaller. The next day they got to school meeting up front with Mina and Johnny.

Mina: hey horny bastards.

y/n: oh my god Mina I get it you’re jealous just get laid.

Mina:....i fucken hate you.

Johnny:...I can help you with that.

Mina whipped her head facing towards Johnny as she glared at him.

Johnny:...well I’m just saying the option is there for you.

They all let out a giggle and walked into campus. They had about an hour before class started so they were all just sitting on the grassy area near their class talking stories. Doyoung walked up to their group looking at y/n.

y/n: hey Doyoung.

Doyoung: Hey y/n can I talk to you about something for Literature class?

y/n:...oh-yeah sure.

Hyuck never worried too much about Doyoung anymore knowing y/n wouldn’t do anything. y/n got up and gave Hyuck a kiss on the cheek before she left. Both of them walking into the hallway near their literature class.

y/n: what’s up Doyoung wha--

Before she could finish her sentence she felt herself be pinned against the wall by Doyoung. As his face was inches away from hers.

y/n: D-Doyoung what are you doing?!

Doyoung: come on y/n I know you miss me. I defiantly missed you.

y/n: what are you talking about?! let me go

Doyoung: nah I don’t think so honey.

Hyuck got worried about you seeing how you never came back to grab your stuff. So he started to go look for you. He heard your voice as he got closer. Coming around the corner he sees you pinned against the wall with Doyoung closing in on your face. Fists begin to form and anger inside of him was ready to hit Doyoung and lash out on y/n. As he began to walk towards them he sees y/n slap Doyoung in the face letting her break free. He stopped in his tracks and watched.

y/n: WHAT THE FUCK DOYOUNG! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

Doyoung: haha that’s funny. You were so quick to leave him to come with me.

y/n: you little asshole because you said you needed help with literature. 

Doyoung: what’s so great about him? you know I can be so much better than him.

Another slap across his face. Hyuck was proud of y/n at how well she stood up for herself. 

y/n: you’re exactly the same Doyoung! a complete asshole!

Doyoung: oh please you don’t even like him! just admit it!

y/n: yeah you’re right I don’t like him.

Hyuck frozen at what y/n just said. The fists began to form again but stopped after hearing what she said next.

y/n: it’s because I LOVE HIM!

Doyoung: HAHAHA WHAT?!

y/n: you heard me you little shit! I LOVE HYUCK WITH ALL MY HEART! There’s nothing in the world that will get me to like an asshole like---

Before y/n finished Doyoung slapped her across the face. Hyuck couldn’t take it anymore and ran over to them as he swung punching Doyoung sending him to the ground. A teacher saw everything unfold as he ran over grabbing Doyoung.

Teacher: WHY YOU HITTING THIS YOUNG LADY!

Doyoung: ha! she deserved it.

As he started to walk away the teacher wanted to make sure y/n was ok.

Teacher: are you ok miss? do you need to go to the health aid?

y/n: no I’m fine

As she was holding the side of her cheek. 

Teacher: is this your boyfriend? y/n nodded yes.

Teacher: you’re a great boyfriend standing up for her. you both get going. Classes will be starting soon.

Hyuck wrapped his arm around y/n as they started walking to class.

y/n: how did you know where I was?

Hyuck: Well you said Literature and you were taking quite sometime to come back so I got worried.

y/n: so you heard everything?

Hyuck:...heard what?

He knew what you meant by it. He wanted to see if she would say everything she said again but to Hyuck’s face. y/n started to turn red as she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell him. What if he doesn’t love her back, then their relationship would just take a huge turn.

y/n:..oh um...nevermind.

It was quiet for a few mins as they still was walking to class. Hyuck decided to break the silence.

Hyuck: y/n?

y/n: yes....

Hyuck: I hope you know I love you too.

She stopped in her tracks.

y/n: wh--what?

Hyuck turned to her and cupped her face with his hands looking her straight in the eyes

Hyuck: I said I love you too.

y/n: how did you?

Hyuck: I may have heard your conversation...I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me anything y/n. I thought you would see how much I loved you already.

y/n: i was scared to say anything yet, because I knew what you went through. I wanted to make sure when I said it to you that you’d actually believe me.

Hyuck: I would’ve believed you. You saved my life.

y/n: huh I did?

Hyuck let out a little giggle as he kissed her on the forehead.

Hyuck: remember how I told you what happened with my last gf?

y/n: yes...

Hyuck: well that left a huge hole in my heart.  I wasn’t sure if I could fall in love again until I met you. Seeing how you stuck up for yourself made me fall more in love with you. Then hearing you say that you loved me made me realize that you are the love of my life and I want to spend every day with you forever.

Tears started to form in y/n’s eyes as she heard correctly he did love her too. And she leaned in to give him a really tight hug.

y/n: I love you Hyuck.

Hyuck kissed y/n on her forehead and then to peck on her nose and a kiss on her lips.

Hyuck: I love you too y/n..

As they started to walk again y/n forgot the pain on her cheek and the hole in Hyuck’s heart that hadn’t fully healed just did because he found someone who loved him as much as he loved her. 

[dropsofletters]

risk another goodbye

title: risk another goodbye pairing: chae hyungwon/reader genre: ex!au/strangers to lovers!au/app!au summary: Her phone recommends her this app to help others break up with their partner, and it sounds absolutely like the worst idea she could ever have, but it’s the most interesting one at the moment. The problem starts when she breaks up with a guy on behalf of his girlfriend only to realize that he is not bad looking and he’s pretty funny…she wonders, though, how could someone break up with Chae Hyungwon? type: angst/fluff/romance/humor word count: 16,257 disclaimer: this is part of my august special called ‘the anti-love club’. each story can be read individually, however, you’d be getting a little bit more of backstory along with some easter eggs if you read each of them, as well as helping me with support. the masterlist can be found here.

The collision of sunrays against her hair, long flowery dress and her moving lips should be bright—it should make her feel nourished, but instead, with each moment that passes with a tight smile on her face and her hands frantically moving to push her subject across, she knows no amount of sunshine could brighten the faces of the teenagers in front of her. Uninterested, they clearly are, some looking down at their hidden phones, others simply nodding at whatever she says and when she asks for answers to specific motivational questions, ones that she had learned in her few years in the field, the replies are short. This shouldn’t make her fidgety—more than usual—but to be unheard is one of the feelings that she still doesn’t get used to when she is supposed to be motivating these high school seniors to be the best version of themselves.

But who really is the best version of themselves? Not even herself, a whole motivational speaker.

Normally, she likes to believe she is a happy person. Somewhat smiley, likes getting out of the bed and meet up with someone of her preference simply to feel like she is alive, finds comfort in people and in her atmosphere—her job, in which she always has to look at the positive, not giving herself the time to think about the negatives in her life. Breathing should be enough, being healthy should be enough, but sometimes she seeks for something else. A new look, maybe, perhaps a new outlook in life, something that is not talking all the time but actually listening. Sometimes, she’d rather have the world go quiet, slower, much unlike what she seeks for in her daily life. Always fidgety, jumping at her feet, blaming herself if being too lazy and moving on to the next person to motivate. If she could do it, anyone else could.

Do what exactly? She has no idea. Perhaps, have a job that she likes, heels clicking on the flooring as she grabs a few students and makes them trust one another. Ah, that—she has friends that she can trust, and perhaps a rent that gets paid, some student loans that eventually will disappear into the thin distance if she keeps this going, working in making people better. She doesn’t have a car, but she has the will to move back from whenever she is to her home and she has warm food in her stomach most of the time. What she doesn’t have, however, is that energy that usually comes from beneath her, and while her limbs are moving the majority of the time, hating nothing more than to be still, and it is all thanks to…a break-up.

Yes, the motivational speaker, endlessly happy woman that is telling students to seek for nothing more than the brightness beneath themselves had broken up with her boyfriend of seven years not too long ago. Three weeks, four days, seven hours…probably twenty minutes.

Sometimes, she’d rather have the will inside of her to not smile, to frown and tell all these people that no one has it figured out. That no one, no enthusiastic person, can take away their opportunity of living their lives without always being optimistic—sadness shall be felt, cured, kissed until it healed, it shall be a badge to be proud of when it’s done for instead of being pushed into the back of someone’s head, but that is exactly what she does. Three weeks, four days, seven hours, twenty-one minutes, this relationship doesn’t have to matter.

At some point, the talk is over. She has given enough bullshit for these guys, with quotes from people who also didn’t have anything sorted out in their lives, for it to be over. Almost like a balloon deflating at the sound of the recess bell, she lets the breath she was holding let go on her chest, the threads and knots on her lungs suddenly popping open, hands going towards the desk of the teacher on charge at the moment—the literature teacher, to be exact, one that she knows perfectly well and that immediately rests her palm on the expanse of her back.

“I told you not to do this.”

Moving, she always is, so the position changes rapidly, fingers fidgety as she speaks. “Seola, I’m fine.” She tells her, as always making it seem like everything is sorted out. That’s what heroes do, they put on their capes and have the world relying on the fact that they’d never be weakened. The woman with the short hair and similarly short height shook her head at her antics. “It’s just the lack of response—that’s all. I spoke and spoke and spoke, no one paid attention. It’s okay, this happens—”

Seola interrupts her by pushing a water bottle towards her hands, rolling her eyes at her hyperactive friend’s antics. “You know it’s not,” Seola says, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You don’t care if some students don’t pay attention to you. You love talking all this psychology stuff and how much optimism has changed your life.” The tone of her friend’s voice downs her into a reality that she has been trying to avoid. Three weeks, four days. Three weeks, four days. Three weeks and four days without him. Optimism has been long gone, knowing to the best of her abilities that if the person that had stayed with her for seven years was unable to make it work with her, then she could not even last in any other relationship. “Really, there’s nothing wrong in accepting you’re not seeing the bright side of things for once. Talk to me.”

It’s in the way that she speaks, Seola, that shows exactly that she has a nice group of friends, a nice life…things that she should be grateful of. Even a nice boss, for all heaven’s sake, and she still has the right to complain about some break-up. “It’s nothing.”

“Hey—”

“It’s nothing.”

Seola’s patience runs short, clear as day, when she takes her by the wrist and lowers her to look into her eyes. The monotone voice of hers speaking nicely, even through her clear distress. “Breaking up with Tsubasa is exactly what needed to happen. Your relationship was toxic since years ago, you’d take breaks and then get back together, only to break up again. You two were tied down into getting back to the same routine, that would kill any kind of relationship.” The death of hers had hit her like a ton of bricks, knowingly so, and she had been the one to break it off. In between an argument, sure, and possibly thinking of all these motivational speeches about ‘letting go of the bad to look for something better’, and she had uttered it in a yell. The words still repeat in her head: I want to break up with you and never see you again. “…I get why you’re heartbroken because you spent seven years of your life with him, but he’s…not even that much of a guy to cry about.”

Cry, oh, she doesn’t think she has even let herself do such a thing. Restrained, positive, as she should be, she simply has continued on with her life as if nothing had happened. Cleaning her apartment spotless, making sure that there will never be a sign of her relationship, of the kisses or the fights, of the happiness and the disappointment alike. “I haven’t cried about him,” She states, wanting to make clear that this is no reason for her to be sad. “Seola, I mean it, I’m just…getting used to it, that’s all. Since I don’t have that constant responsibility by my side, I’m feeling a bit empty, that’s all.”

The woman in question fixes the rounded glasses on her face. “Are you sure about that?”

She nods rapidly, but not in a rush. “Of course. Nothing that can’t be filled with a girl’s night.”

The serious Seola seems to perk up at that, probably a bit freer now that graduation was approaching for her students and grading tests has become less of her priorities. “I really need one of those, too.” She speaks softly, letting out a chuckle as she helps the woman clean up her materials before she has to leave. “Do you think you can make it tonight? Our entire group should reunite in your apartment in celebration of your break-up.”

Celebration. That’s what it should be to finally be set free of an uptight relationship with none other than the man that had probably quickened the stage of getting white hairs in her life. “…I’ve got nothing to do, of course I can make it tonight.”

“Good,” Seola says, now nearing her to speak in a whisper. “I’d kill for some beers right now. This year’s class has been a headache.”

She laughs at that, cradling her textbooks near her chest before tilting her head to the side. “In any other occasion I would have told you that you always get headaches, but this group really is difficult.”

“So, beers?”

“Yeah, I could buy a few, you can pay me back for it later.”

“Excellent.”

Hours later, the sound of two of your friends huffing on the floor, drunken beyond reparation at this point, but still working out incessantly is the least of her worries. Seola and Miwoo are the ones doing push-ups on her flooring, possibly shouting the numbers louder than they should, probably on the verge of having her neighbors call her out for the noise. Doah, however, the least drunk of her friends, is now waiting for an application to stop downloading on her phone—she asked for it and she had given her to Doah, far more preoccupied on the root beer she had grabbed on her way to buying alcohol, looking at it swirling on the bottle she has been sipping on for the past half hour, thoughts loud even when she is accompanied.

She should be happy, thankful even, that her friends have stayed with her through thick and thin. That Miwoo, even when she is a well-known personal trainer, stays with her, the same goes for Seola and Doah, but that is far from the point. The expectations of having her life be bright at all times had made her feel sulky, almost like she can’t get out from this low of her current life. Sip, sigh. Those are the two actions that she has been doing while her friends are having fun and while two of them are too far gone to even notice how heartbroken she is, Doah’s fingers are gliding through her hair, playing with the ends, wanting nothing more than for her sighs to subside or change for relaxed breathing.

She’s alive, that should be enough of an excuse to smile…and she has been alive for the past seven years.

While does it feel like a part of her left, the moment she kicked Tsubasa out of their apartment?

A hundred percent, downloading. That’s what the screen reads when she gives a glimpse towards it, suddenly aware that Doah has stopped playing with her hair and is now looking at the screen with a smile. “Ladies, I’ve found an activity for us to do that doesn’t include getting abs.” She says with glee, Seola showing her gratitude while trying to push Miwoo away from her feet, kneeling down to keep her in place while doing some exercises.

“Thank God, I was about to die.” Seola announces, pushing Miwoo off her body before rushing towards the couch. Happiness, she feels like…though in a small gleam of a shooting star, brief, when Seola’s sweaty hands place themselves on her knees, cheek resting against her thighs as she tries to look at the screen of her phone in Doah’s hands. Miwoo follows soon after, not sweating quite as much as Seola is.

“W—What—?” A hiccup, probably coming from her drunkenness and what characterizes her as her ‘too-much’ gene. “What are we going to do?”

Doah fixes her stance, her black hair tied behind her head with a bun, patting the few baby hairs on the edges to settle them. Settled, just exactly what Doah is, in love with a man that adores her equally, that doesn’t mind a few nights out with her friends, that kisses the ring on her finger whenever they are holding hands and laughs too loudly at their jokes. Maybe, Doah is one of those lucky people who just have everything in life or…she just deserved it. Soft heart, realistic nature, seriousness, all things that describe her. “So, since the youngest of our team has been going through a tough break-up and questioning everything that has to do with life.”

Okay, so perhaps she should have gone for a beer instead of simplistic root beer. “That’s not the case.”

“It is.” Miwoo points out in a slur before nodding towards Doah. “What’s the plan? Strippers?”

“No.” Doah scrunches up her nose with a laugh before showing the screen to all the three women in front of her. “Break Them Up.” She reads, her phone showcasing an application much like a dating one, instantly showing bars to complete with matters such as name, age, ubication and such. “It’s an app my husband took part of. Basically, it has the mindset of a dating app but what makes it different is that people post pictures of their special someone or pictures of them as a couple and lists the other person’s phone number and the reason as to why they want to break up with them, and it’s up to you to break them up. If you fulfill the mission, you get more points—”

“And you break someone’s heart.” Seola says. “That’s just…mean.”

“It’s life.” Doah finishes, shrugging her shoulders. “Besides, it’d teach her that all people can go through a break-up, and some of them can be even messier than hers.”

Miwoo, preoccupied even when she is drunk, takes a seat on the couch with a huff before looking at her. She hates this, being pitied, as if a part of her had died and they are looking for a way to tell her that she is just a mere ghost now. “Do you want to try it?”

Snatching her phone away from Doah’s grasp, she clicks her tongue. “Who do you think you’re talking to? I take risks in life, of course I’m doing this.”

The cheers that follow soon after are enough to lift her up, tapping her name down along with some necessary information and a few pictures of her. Actually, it’s clear as day that this application was inspired on a dating site.

But the weight is not lifted off her shoulders when she gets her first mission, a couple that has been together for a month and the guy wants to simply tell the girl that it was only meant to be a hook-up. After all, the talk that suffices after texting the girl in question is all about how ‘men will never understand how difficult it is to fall in love with them’ and she agrees. It basically takes a snap of Doah’s fingers and a glide on her next mission for her to coming back to life, to feel like there is purpose here—not breaking up people for the mere satisfaction of doing so, but because she needs to. Toxicity shall come to an end, just like how this mindset of always being in a relationship should have its conclusion in society for one and all. The only thing she needs is remind herself that she is not anyone’s half, not Tsubasa’s, not anyone else’s. She could have anyone she wanted if she put her mind into it, as a complete woman.

It takes a few swipes and some break-ups later for her to feel more at ease and finally come to the latest of the night, at two in the morning at that. The name reads Hyunae and Hyungwon, showing a picture of what seems to be two lanky and tall individuals, though the guy immediately captures her attention. Standing right in front of a café, the two are seen holding each other on their arms, but his thick lips are drawn into a small smile, his eyes turned into upside down C’s out of pure happiness. His face structure and long black hair is already enough to have her smiling, figuring out why in the hell he would want to break up with his equally as gorgeous girlfriend. As it turns out, it is not Hyungwon that wants to break up with Hyunae but the other way around…

“Who would even want to break up with this guy?” She speaks over a whisper, Seola fast asleep in her room, only Miwoo and Doah staying with her in the room. Miwoo is having a glass of water, meanwhile Doah leans forward to capture the picture on the screen, smiling at the couple in it. “He’s mad cute.”

“What’s the reason she wants to break up with him?”

“He’s boring, apparently.”

“Oh my God, of course he’d be boring.” Miwoo breathes out into the thin air, the stench of beer clinging into it. “…So? Text him.”

“…Should I?”

“You’ve texted others. Why can’t you do it now?”

Well, it’s quite a different reason—while most of her life she had been in love with one man, absolutely attracted to the overconfident businessman part of a company she had always wanted to be part of, Tsubasa, this is different. There is that flutter of interest deep in her gut, a flicker of her eyelashes that says she is just absolutely interested in whatever this Hyungwon guy has to offer. Boringness could not be an issue when there is a face like that in the game, and it may be a bad feeling to have…but if breaking him up with his girlfriend doesn’t bring her a bit of hope, she’d be lying.

“That’s right, I can do it.” Convincing herself, her fingers hover over the number and she copies it, placing it down on a text and starting with a simplistic tone. “Hey! I saw your girlfriend posted you on Break Them Up, an application for…well, having people break up with your significant other. I hope you don’t mind me texting you, but Hyunae says she is bored of your relationship with her and wants to break up. Here’s a screenshot, in case you think I’m joking.” Though, guilt settles at the pit of her stomach. If Tsubasa had done something like that, she’d feel betrayed, disgusted, exposed in the worst of ways. This may be the peeking point of her bad ideas—

Sent. Read. Typing.

Hiding her face in her friend’s shoulders, the three dots mock her endlessly. Firstly, all she receives is a short ‘okay’ that does nothing to help the guilt that lingers on her brain. Instead, she watches as he continues to play with his typing tool, because the three dots appear again and again, disappear and appear in what could translate into shock—heartbreak, too.

“…I can’t believe she’d out our relationship like that.”

Pushing her hair away from her face, the beer buzzing up in her body and blurring a bit of her sight when she tries to tie the threads of this conversation. “If it works for you, I’ve also gone through a break-up.”

Little to no silence, he continues, her friends long forgotten in the background, perhaps looking over her shoulder. “Ah, I see.”

“It’ll get better for both of us.” She types.

“How’d you know?” He replies, bringing a soft smile on her features. She doesn’t, that is, maybe it’ll get worse. Maybe, she won’t love again. Maybe, Tsubasa had carved his name on her waist for when he’d wrap his arms around it and sing those oh-so-hatred rock songs that he’d blast early in the morning. Seven years, how does one get over seven years?

With a rebound, that’s how the two of them get over this. If things go right, that is, the buzz is not making her think straight. “You’re not that bad looking. I’m sure you’ll get someone else in the blink of an eye.”

“Haha,” The first response says. “I guess, but it’s not about that.”

“What is it about?”

“Years lost in someone who’d do this to me, I guess.”

“Huh…I get you, in my case it was seven years.”

A moment of hesitation, shown in the way the three dots disappear and soon after, they appear again. “I don’t think I’ve gotten your name. Are you sure you want to share that information with someone equally as heartbroken?”

Giggling to herself and leaning on her back, she lets out a sigh, hearing one of her friends complaining about the lack of information once she moves from their grasps. “I overshare, that’s my thing. Though…you know what? Yes, it’s only fair I share my name.”

And that she does, drunkenly talking to some man and trying her best not to fuck up her grammar along the way, drinking another bottle of beer to feel the liquid go past her throat in courage. Heartbroken, perhaps disheartened at this point, this is still no enough for her not to take risks—much less when there is a handsome, clearly single man that embarks in conversation with her. Soft, not flirty, just…the perfect amount of chill before she feels herself drifting off to sleep, cushions harshly pressed to her back.

###

Her name, spoken through a cheery tone, cuts through the thin air while she reads over her schedule for the week. The morning is tiresome, the long dress over her body clinging to the back of her thighs uncomfortably, trying to remember if she put on mascara on one eye when she had done her makeup…albeit a bit sleepy. This week had consisted of nothing but spending time with her friends, more than simply drinking, but touching the sky in long walks until they reached spots of the city that they didn’t know, or in dinners where speech is not necessary, only the healing atmosphere lingering within her.

That is the reason of her lack of sleep. Earfuls late at night, of gossip and stories she knows about but never gets tired of.

“Yes, Jinhee?”

The woman with a cap placed over her head peeked through her door before opening with a big smile, plush cheeks coated in a layer of peach dust. “Morning.” She says.

A smile appearing on her face, she decides that the heat and the lack of sleep won’t ruin her day. “Good morning, Jinhee. Why do I have the benefit of seeing you so early in the morning?”

Shame, she reads all over her face, not a typical feature to see in an office full of motivational speakers. If anything, all she gets to hear are chants of how good their lives are…and how it could only get better from now on. Bad pasts long gone, not living their ‘happily-ever-after’s’. “Well, uh, you see…you get the benefit to see someone else this morning—”

“Oh, sure. It’d have to be quick, though, I have some talk with an elementary child and his parents, because his teacher expressed he has been unmotivated—”

“Tsubasa is here.”

A man she hasn’t seen in well over two months, one that has her sighing deeply when he appears behind Jinhee, his thin eyebrows lifted in the smile he gives her. Golden skin that matches the bath of sunlight hat gets through her windows, moles that she has kissed over and over again framing his face, thick glasses that he can’t take off for anything moving under his smile. Her name, again, called into the density of such situation when Jinhee slips away, leaving her alone with Tsubasa.

“…Shouldn’t you be at work?”

While resting the flowers he brought with her on her desk, igniting the place in even more colors, she feels like her life is being drained of them. Him, in a suit; her, in a dress. A perfect match, she once had thought, as if their constant break-ups and arguments were normal. As if seeing life like a newspaper—gray, black, white, planned, written, filled with bad news, is what a relationship should feel like. Seven years, a first love, too many nights of wrapping herself up with him that she doesn’t know what could be more loveable than what they had, bad or not. “I was, but I asked for permission to visit you.”

“Then, go back.” She replies, pointing her finger towards her closed door enthusiastically. “You shouldn’t even be here in the first place. I already kicked you out of my life once, don’t make me do it again.”

Though, when he is looking out of her windows, always in need of the Sun to feel like she truly is happy and alive, she doesn’t think anyone will ever fill that void that she dares to call love, just him. Pushing it, that’s what motivational speakers do—to finish the race even if it hurts, to always come at first place, to hold onto the memories and look for something great. He’s the best, though, when his fingers glide across the spot in which she usually kept his gifts at, though not anymore. Needless to say, it has been difficult to get rid of him, and he notices. “You redecorated.”

“Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m just pointing out—”

“Well, yes, some things change.” She doesn’t let him finish, protecting herself knowing that he is never quite as calm as this. They will always collide; him for being intense, her for never accepting that something could go wrong in their relationship. Not everything is about happiness, just like not everything should be about complaining. His back leans against the desk, inspecting her face like the immaculate man he is—serious, calm, relaxed, with a bomb hidden in the depths of his heart.

“I know, but I don’t want you to change.” Tsubasa utters, the long strands of his hair pushed back by some gel, and she has to close her eyes and look away in order not to remember the times in which she’d see him with adoration at the beginning of their relationship, threading her fingers through his hair as he brushed his teeth late at night. Even simplistic things like that had her in love. “…Sure, I shouldn’t have come here without telling you, but today…I was told to find a scriptwriter for one of our commercials, supposed to motivate people to be better, happier.” A shuddering breath follows. “I could only think of you.”

“Out.” She threatens, voice soft when she tries to move towards the door. “I’m trying to forget seven years of us fighting, Tsubasa. I don’t want to just work with you.”

He nears her, hands wrapping around her wrists delicately, looking for her face when his usual cologne engulfs the expanse of her nostrils, up her body, engraved in the area of memory in her brain. “You’ve wanted this forever, though.”

That, he had listened to. The company he works for, a good executive of it to be exact, had been on her wish-list for as long as she could remember. Apart from making a few students feel more confident in reaching their happiness, she wants to do something more. Commercials with short catchphrases and incredible visuals, some of the type that Tsubasa’s company does, ones that could bring people to tears and up their beds to do something for their lives.

But…what is she doing for her life as of now? Accepting every offer that Tsubasa gives her?

Looking at his lips, thin and a bit curved, chapped—he should really drink more water, she used to say—and missing him. Because, once someone constructs a home, it doesn’t matter that the ceilings are falling or that the cushions of the couches dig into their skin so uncomfortably they can’t lay in peace, the only thing that matters, and wrongly so, is that it is…your home.

“I’ve already talked to my boss about you. They want you on the team. Better payment than whatever you get here—” He speaks excitedly, something unlike him, when he smiles at her. Beaming, he is, maybe there is hope within him that she’ll be able to forgive the tears they both shed, the nights in which staying in the same bed felt like being continents apart. “We can get through this, together. We just need time to remember why exactly we fell in love.”

His body shelters the Sun from the windows and what she wants to do right now is impossible. What she would do was she a weaker person would be wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him like nothing ever mattered, as if taking a bite of the prohibited fruit will make her immune to it. Instead, she really ponders on this—he is sheltering her Sun, and he has been doing it for the entirety of their relationship. Vice-versa, too, she is not a saint in this situation. “I can’t.”

Air is pushed towards her face in the form of a scoff. “Yes, you can.”

“I can’t—”

“Stop being stubborn. You’re the first one that says that people can do anything as long as they put their minds into it!”

Her hands push at his chest, the sound of his pristine shoes colliding against his flooring suddenly leaving her in a trance. Panic, that is what it is, she is not used to lying…at least, not in something as specific as that. What is the reason as to why she has redecorated everything, erased him from her life and even denying a good job because she doesn’t want to see him? “I can’t because…” A look around the room, uncertainty, one more word from him and his voice will cut through her soul, leaving her bleeding, needing him more than anything in the world. “…Because I have someone else, and I know you’ll get angry because of this.”

The world doesn’t shatter—not for her, but for Tsubasa it seems to. His jaw tightens, eyes squinting before rolling them subsequently. “Right, yeah, you have a new man. You expect me to believe that?”

Certainty is what he speaks, as if he is so sure she can’t get a new man…and sure, it is not a reality, but it could damn well be if she simply let go of him. “Believe it, Tsubasa. I could call my man just about now to be a polite and nice civilian to show you exactly what a real person is.”

Thick breaths, tension, one step closer, two of them at that when he takes her phone from her desk and pushes it towards her hand before nodding. “…Call him, then. Tell him to speak up if he’s so brave.”

Well, fuck.

She really thought her hot-headed, quite reserved ex-boyfriend would accept her humongous lie.

Fingers hovering over her screen, they rush to find whatever number does not belong to a friend of hers, is a man’s set of digits and could potentially have her ex-boyfriend convinced that she is seeing someone else. “And video-call, too. I want to see him.”

“I don’t owe you any explanations, I don’t know why I am even doing this.”

Tsubasa’s fingers press his glasses up on his nose, chuckling shortly at her words, though a smile does not appear on his features. “Because it’s a lie?”

“He’s not.” She finishes, pressing on the last contact she sees in her hunt and bringing the device up her face. Tsubasa appears beside her in the matter of seconds, praying that the person on the screen doesn’t think she is an absolute insane woman once he picks up.

“Your new boy is taking a bit longer than anticipated.”

“Some people work, you know?”

“Sure. What’s his job?”

Answerless, for Tsubasa has always been smart, too smart for his own good, reason as to why he has such a nice position in his job and why he frowns when he sees Hyungwon splayed on her screen, squinting his eyes at the scenery in front of him and pushing his plump lips in a line. He’s confused, quite a bit taken aback, and she realizes now that some drunken conversation is clearly not the necessary subject for her to be calling him (clarification: video-calling him) in the middle of the morning, with her ex-boyfriend by her side, nonetheless. “Hello, Hyungwon. Are you busy right now?”

“Kind of…I’m on my aperitive break.” Aperitive break? Who even has those? “But…yes, I am free now, nice to see you. What can…I help you with?” Hesitation on his face is quite the sight, much more when he wraps those rosy lips around the straw of what seems to be his iced coffee. Before she could answer, however, Tsubasa speaks over her.

“I’m her ex-boyfriend and she’s been meaning to tell me you’re her new guy. Is that true?” He asks, panic filling her body when she sees Hyungwon widening his eyes, looking at her, then at him, then back at her. His body is frozen for a few seconds, or maybe the connection failed on her, she is not sure anymore.

Hyungwon’s finger is at the perfect timing to simply swipe his finger over the red button on the red of the screen and forget this moment even existed. Instead, he pushes a bit of his sandwich inside his mouth, the sound of a child speaking in the fair distance taking her off guard. Does he have children…or…? “Y—Yes.” Through a mouthful of food and with flushed cheeks, he answers. “That would be me.”

Tsubasa frowns at this, instead continuing with the conversation. “Huh, how so? How did you meet her?”

“Tsubasa, you’re my ex, not my dad. Stop—”

“…Dating apps?” Hyungwon almost chokes on his food when he says this, even surprising himself and she tries her best not to show her surprise at how good this is going.

“You tried dating apps?” Her ex asks.

“…After we broke up, I guess.” Lie. If anything, she only tried that break-up app in which she had discovered Hyungwon in…but who is Tsubasa to know that?

With fingers threading through his black hair and his gray hoodie pooling around the edges, Hyungwon cuts through the dense air. “Hey…uh, dude, my guy, whoever you are…I’d be thankful if you just left her alone?” The uncertainty in his tone must have gone unnoticed by Tsubasa, who turned to look at the camera with anger. This is what she gets for lying, more lies to keep on the long run. “Yeah, leave her alone. It’s over between you two.”

Pointing towards her door before opening it with the same hand, she hums. “Out you go, Tsubasa.” Though, it pains her to see the expression on his face, one that reads betrayal. Though not together, their story is difficult to get rid of…and lying to him feels like a part of her body is being plucked away so slowly that it is difficult to breathe. “…Sorry.” She whispers when she sees the man pass by, the door closing in front of her eyes with a loud bang and the memory that she never meant to break his heart.

But it’d be good for them.

Being away is the only way they can be happy, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

“Was that sorry for me or…?” Hyungwon’s deep and soft-spoken tone cuts through her thoughts, making her look up towards the camera, smiling at him briefly before nodding her head.

“Yes, sorry…” She trails, moving towards her desk and sitting down, releasing that one breath that had caged inside her, trapping her as its slave. “He came back to offer me some job…but I needed to decline. I don’t want to work around him.”

Understanding, he seems to be, nodding his head when he plays with the edge of his straw. “He didn’t seem too nice. What did you see in him?”

It’s small talk and yet, she can’t help but chuckle at this. Leaning her head back while still keeping her phone straight, the Sun almost burning her pupils but she enjoys the feeling of being warm, with him, in solitude, however way it comes. Opening up to him comes easily, a stranger that she likes to talk about for the sake of feeling like she can still capture the attention of someone handsome, seven years after being absolutely off the dating radar. “He gets what he wants. He always did. I needed someone who…would not be afraid to take risks.” She almost wants to laugh at the reminder as to why he had captured her attention. “I’ve known him for almost all my life, he’s a sweet guy…we just don’t work well together. We’re the type of people that fix things. I think I can’t ever live through sadness…” The truth spills her lips, well-aware that her obsession with happiness is only hurting her, and she doesn’t even look at Hyungwon’s expression when she speaks about her reality. “And he’d do anything to get to where he wants. It’s not like that in relationships…you can only fix something so much until it gets broken permanently.”

The deep words have Hyungwon sighing, looking down when she chooses to look at him. This is how they are, reaching but never holding, simply speaking to a stranger, wanting to take the risk of being vulnerable. “…It was the opposite with my ex and I,” He says. “The first time I met her, she was one of those models in stores. The ones that sit by the windows and showcase clothing while pretending to be mannequins. I really bought her entire outfit simply to get her attention.” Laughter, maybe he had enjoyed that day, but it dies down quickly when he shakes his head, instead his eyes filled with longing when he looks up at her. “…And when she asked: ‘Who are you giving this to?’. That outfit, that is. I could only think of her so I said ‘you’.”

Her lips quirk up in a small smile at that, warmed by the gesture. “That’s sweet.”

“She wanted those kinds of gestures throughout the relationship, though. It was draining, in a way…” Hyungwon mumbles, breathing through his nose with those same babbles of children in the background. “I enjoy quietness, simply talking and enjoying everything in simplicity. I don’t need to show someone I love them by doing extravagant things.”

“Right.”

“…Sorry, am I oversharing?”

“I love to listen, don’t worry.” She replies, pushing her elbows against the desk, digging deeply into the crevices of her skin with its rough wood. “I understand, in a way, I really do.”

“How?”

“The last few years of my relationship with Tsubasa, my ex, were…all about screaming, arguing…all of the like.”

“Oh.”

Once again, a weird metaphor comes up to her brain, typical of her moments of motivational speaking. “It reminds me of this one washing machine I have in my apartment. That thing is rusty, but I ask for it to be fixed every time. I can’t get rid of it…it came with the house and I really do think I can fix it, even when it screeches like a wild animal when it is washing my clothes.” The sweet laughter that escapes his lips, melodious to listen to, brings a smile to her face when she looks at her clock and sees that it is about time for her to leave to her first speech of the day. “I need some quiet. Getting rid of my relationship, getting rid of my washing machine—”

“We can be quiet together.” He prompts, before shaking his head at the sound of his voice. “Oh, shit, my bad, I probably sounded—”

“No.” She says. “We can be quiet together.”

###

The waltz of the morning is eventful, once again followed by a motivational speech for her. She tries to feel more at ease—happier, because working with kindergarteners with a frown on her features is not exactly what she should be doing. The walls are painted in colors of yellow and blue, the small classroom taking her off guard when she takes a glimpse from the windows outside, watching the number of teachers that are oh-so-gladly talking to their students about the next section of their day. Small, they are, probably not a day over five years old, with attentive looks on their faces that could not match the ones that she normally gets from older students, all in distaste or disinterest in her rants about a happy life.

Well, they are older…and life has always taught that the older someone gets, the more is expected from them; hence happiness is a benefit rather than a necessity. To her, happiness needs to be a certainty, because the chirping of birds still exists, along with her group of friends; there are people in this world that had it worse than her and still, she gets to complain. Heartbroken, she feels, though she doesn’t look like it—always thinking of Tsubasa; if he has eaten or not, if he is sleeping soundly now that she is not in the picture.

The door opens in a swish, present reuniting with past and bringing her back to her reality. After knocking on the door, she had stood and waited to let her in, grasping her bag in between her fingers, moving back and forth, unable to stay in place—quite a lot like her—. The person in front of her, however, is completely still. Serious, even. Soft yet powerful, a gush of fresh air when her eyes widen and she inspects his features. Small face marked by prominent lips, long—longer than the last time she saw him on that video-call—and black hair framing his features.

Able to forget, she is, when she looks at his features and gets to see a hint of a smile, whispering out his name as if not to disturb the students.

“Hyungwon? You’re a kindergarten teacher?” Part of her had imagined that the wails and babbles of children in the background of their call had come from Hyungwon and his children. Apparently, this is not the case.

Flushed cheeks and a good look at her features, his eyes caress her face in the gentlest of stares when he says. “Yes…You’re the motivational speaker?”

“…Yes,” She adds rapidly. “I mean, it probably makes sense now. I was trying to make you feel better after I was asked to break up with you—”

“It does make sense. Someone can only tell you it’ll be alright about a thousand times before it starts to get suspicious.”

“Good thing I said it nine hundred ninety-nine times.”

Hyungwon chuckles, opening the door wider for her to enter in such a place. The children are already looking at her with curiousness, her eyes taking in each of them. One of them in the front row is eating what seems to be a sandwich, unlike everyone else who is listening intently, crumbs of bread imparted unevenly on top of fluffy cheeks. Another one immediately waves at her, on the end of the row of seats, giving her an eventful smile and surprisingly enough, there is one of them that stands up and clings to Hyungwon’s leg, his long fingers coming down to pat the black head of hair.

“Guys, we should all sit down and listen to our dear friend.”

“Yes, Teacher Hyungwon!” Some say in unison, grinning when Hyungwon moves to the back of the class with his kindergarten student, sitting him down beside him before looking ahead. Whilst she places her bag down on the nearby desk, not forgetting to greet the other teachers, she can’t help but get a bit fidgety under his gaze—curious, he is, and it has only downed on her that this complete stranger is not one in its entirety.

Speaking comes easier from then on, rambling just like how she knows how to do, capturing the attention of the little children that help her out along the way, asking them questions, making them play around in order to have more trust in themselves and others. Interactive would fall short as a word for what she is doing and how gratifying it feels to be heard, for once and for all, speaking as quickly as she does, as invested in the nature of making others feel better, even when she is not feeling her best.

The impossibility of leaving is palpable when some of the students beg her to stay, even more after she had a connection with them, wanting her to take part on their lunch time. That’s how she finds herself near the window, magnet of everything that has to deal with the Sun, knees bent under the small table, plopping a bit of rice in between her lips. The students are talking to her happily, more than glad to have a ‘teacher’ that is just as hyper as they are, barely able to stand in one place without moving to the other. They ask and ask and ask, never getting tired of her and it’s the most heart-warming thing that has ever had the opportunity to cross her path in the last few months.

If she is not counting the man that moves towards her with sure steps, sitting across from her with his own plate of lunch, his tall and lean body barely captured under the comprising stance of the table in which she is seated at. Hyungwon gives her a shy smile, one of those that lift the apples of his cheeks and make him look quite awkward, though their silence lasts a short amount of time when they both call each other’s names, laughing at their own antics.

With him, it feels natural to simply be…shameful. It feels as though she doesn’t have to worry about the world because with him alone, she’s able to forget about the things that fly around her head in matters of worry. This is exactly what she needs, kaleidoscopes of images forgotten in the back of her brain.

“I meant to ask you—” She stops herself for a moment when one of the children feeds her a spoonful of rice, and this feels exactly how young parents are probably like. They can’t even speak without having one of their children interrupting them. “How is it that you ended up being a teacher?” She asks, earning a glance from Hyungwon that simply shrugs his shoulders.

His fingers go to help one of the younger students eat, doing motions with his mouth to represent chewing, and the little one understands perfectly. This kind of relaxed, laidback mindset of his is intoxicating, in a way that she can feel herself smiling just from his sight alone. “I don’t know.” He explains. “One day…I had to be an adult, and I had to pick something to do. Part of me knew that society is already difficult on its own, so I wanted to go to the root of it all.” His words are a bit jumbled, as if he’s embarrassed of what he is saying, mouth parting in a small smile when he feeds some more to this one student. “Children are the future, so if I can make children be educated, kind, nice to one another…intelligent but not pretentious about it, then I’ve already done something good for society.”

Warmed by her words and finding the logic in the thread of thoughts that had gone through his mind when choosing his career, she hums. “That’s…smart. I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“Bad teachers make bad students.” He answers, looking over at her while he holds his hand under the boy’s chin. “Ria, eat your food, please. Stop playing with it.” He softly says to one of the students across from him, earning a giggle and a sigh from himself. “What about you? What was the reason behind being a motivational speaker?”

Understanding, that’s what he is. She hates herself for looking at him with stars in her eyes, studying the hoodie over his body and how his hair grazes against it, watching the calm look on his features and the moisture of his lips, a ghost of a kiss passing through her head. Attraction that comes with liveliness, this fleeting air that makes her feel weightless. Lightweight, and ready to be caught. “I was always a hyper girl,” She says. “People used to say: “use that word for something, use those mannerisms to inspire people!” and I thought that was the road that I had to take.” Playing around with her rice and the egg on top of it, she takes another bite before sighing. “It reminds me to be happy, too.”

Hyungwon’s eyes soften at that, nodding his head along with her. ���Happiness is the goal, yes.”

“Do you think…?” Her voice comes short when she tries to think of her question. “Do you think I do a great job at motivating people?”

His eyes crinkle at that, a smile that she has never seen from him when he frantically nods. “You are the one that has inspired me to get over my ex.”

“And vice-versa.” She says, pointing at him before Hyungwon presses his lips together, the sound of wails cutting the atmosphere like scissors going over paper. He stands up immediately, just at the same time that she does. “Let me help you.”

“…Are you sure you have nothing else to do today?” He asks mindfully, walking and hearing the sound of her footsteps beside him, aware of him when he kneels to pick up the child that is crying, talking to them through a soft tone. “Hey, hey, easy. You dropped your food; we can get you some more.” He speaks, finding the Sun in him when he stands in front of said window. Tall, he is, but he doesn’t cover the Sun, rather radiates with it, shines a light that leaves her astounded.

Surely, he is handsome…but something about him is inviting, calming, everything that she hasn’t had in the last seven years with— “I probably won’t have any other day like this with you, so let me prolong it a bit.”

Hyungwon chuckles at that, patting the student’s back while he speaks to her. “You don’t have to think like that.”

“Why?”

Awkwardness, he always radiates such thing when he is ashamed—or maybe, embarrassed. She notices that, moving back and forth on the heels of her feet, always moving, needing to go to the next thing, think of the next subject before coming blank. Staying quiet is never her thing, but it seems to be his. “We could definitely see each other again if you wanted to.”

“Do you want to?” She asks.

“I’d love to have some meal with you without sitting by a table I can’t even sit by, so…yes?” Joy overtakes her, lips moving along with her throat to let laughter caress the air in between the two. “If you want to, of course.”

Letting go, oh, what a precious thing to be thinking about when she utters out a small: “Huh, I was thinking the same thing, maybe we should make it happen.”

###

This street will always hold the melody of Hyungwon’s voice, walking by her side, a reminder that comes from that day at the kindergarten classroom in which she realized that, when walking back to her home, Hyungwon takes the same route. Nowhere nearby, they live, but close enough that it’s a ten-minute walk…and they’d meet if only their schedules lined up.

But now, when the Sun is barely hiding and the sky is in its rosy tint, Hyungwon is walking by her side. Waited, he had done, even when it had taken her a good hour and a half to get there, meeting up with him thanks to her rushing and loud strides against the sidewalk. A few distractions happen on the way home, whatever way shown in the way they are holding onto cotton candy, eating happily while having cheerful conversations.

She had gotten to know a bit about Hyungwon, enough for her to think of him as a daydream. Lover of coffee, definitely not one to think heavily of the future but he enjoys his present, he’s strict but deep behind all that, he’s kind. Retorts and remarks are often with him when he has something to say and oh, he’d live for some gossip but wouldn’t even be able to confess it if she asked him. He moves slowly, almost like he is sleepy when he walks, or that he really wants to meet up with that promise she had given him in the classroom a few weeks ago. To prolong the moment, to not think for the minutes in which they are together.

It’s hard for her to concentrate for long periods of time. Tsubasa knew this, lived with it, sometimes had to explain twice when she blanked out, but what she’d receive was a sigh at most. Hyungwon, however, makes sure to engulf her in enough information for her to catch on, patience at its finest. So different, in a way, and yet a subject of comparison. Sometimes, it’s difficult not to do so and while munching on her cotton candy, the treat dissolving on her tongue while Hyungwon speaks about this one student that had made his heart almost explode out of adorableness, the sound of screeching, shouting, heartbreak seeps through her ears, widening her eyes when she catches the couple that are fighting right in front of some restaurant near her apartment complex.

“Do you think that always happens in relationships?”

Hyungwon tries to look for the source of her question, connecting his gaze to the sight that has made her curious, and he simply puckers up his lips in response. “I don’t know…I’m not sure.” The answer saddens her, continuing her walk along with him even when passing by the couple.

“I used to think that this ‘forever-and-ever’ happens to everyone.” She starts once again, the talk of love nowhere near spoken in between the two. Flirting has happened, but it’s different to talk about a serious outlook of love. “I used to think that I’d find it someday, too.”

Hyungwon brings a slice of the cotton candy up to his lips, reddening them even more. “You can’t be certain it won’t happen. You’re still young.” And with that promise alone, she lifts her gaze, her steps becoming slower the more she nears her apartment complex.

“What about you? Do you think it will happen to you?” She complies, memories ever so precious of him being held the moment he stands in front of the building that meets her home, taking his last bite of cotton candy before sighing deeply.

“…Maybe…” He tells her, a faint smile appearing on his features when he lifts his eyebrows. “Are you curious?”

“Maybe.” She mocks his tone, taking the small papers that held the cotton candies they had and trashing them in a bin nearby before returning towards him. Hyungwon’s eyes, looking at her for a goodbye, have her fidgeting more than usual, playing with the edge of her shirt, tightening her fingers, unleashing them from their hold and finally, saying something. “It’s up to you if something happens…in that case…” She tries to hint, looking at him and comparing him in every way possible. He’s skinnier, taller, definitely different from Tsubasa. He’s not a man that she has known for her entire life, but someone that she barely knows…and that’s thrilling on its own, exciting, enough to set her ablaze because, for a second, she thinks she sees interest in his eyes.

Is that good? Perhaps, it’s bad to let go, it’s bad to look for someone else and want to feel loved under the gaze of another person. It’s bad enough that Hyungwon nears her, hand hovering over her waist before pressing down on it. Different, this is different, and that is exactly what she needs. To feel like the Sun is burning her, but in the best of ways, even when it is long into the night. “One step at a time, though.” He says. “…I want to ease into this.”

“Me, too.” She replies, fisting the fabric of his shirt and bringing him towards her, the movement of her dress against her legs the only motion that reminds her this is not a freeze frame. She counts his eyelashes, the faint gleam on the tip of his nose, his thick lips that she had wished to kiss from the moment she saw him in a picture with his ex. She chuckles at that, fluttering her eyelashes at him. “Is it too quick for me to say I really like you, though?”

“Depends.” Hyungwon tilts his head to the side, playing with a strand of her hair with his free hand. “Is it too quick for me to say I want to kiss you?”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t kiss me after implying that.”

His face leans forward, enough for her to look into his eyes just as they look down at her lips. “I don’t know…” He teases, giggling at his own words before resting a brief kiss on her lips. “Is that enough?”

Looking for gravity, she wraps her arms around his neck. This feeling is exactly what she has been looking for, to be clouded in someone’s hold to the point she couldn’t even think of anything else. The weighty feeling of him when she presses his lips into his, this time in a soft yet not so fleeting manner, is enough to have butterflies appearing on the depths of her stomach, but not enough to feel her heart combust in absolute delight. She’d get used to this, to the glide of his lips against hers that is different from anything else she has ever had. He’s delicate, with purpose, but not completely on the loving stance. If anything, it feels like dipping a finger into the ocean.

Though, the feeling of the soft muscles of his back contracting when she runs her fingers over them is enough to have her smiling against the kiss, but diving in once again. In reality, this is better than she could have expected, only pulling away when the security guard by the door opens it widely, clearing his throat with poise.

“Are you entering, Miss?”

While still holding onto Hyungwon, his hands searching anywhere else but her body, she speaks in a sweetened tone towards him. “I don’t know, Hyungwon. Are we entering?”

“W—We…?” Hyungwon asks softly, seeing the big traces of a smile on her features when relief washes over his body. “Yes, we are.”

His fingertips slot in between hers, holding her lazily while they enter the building, a reminder for her to get used to the differences between the past and the future.

It takes a man to forget another, as it seems.

###

In the blink of an eye, it becomes difficult to even imagine a time in which Hyungwon isn’t in her head.

His students asking for her, her friends that couldn’t stop talking about her ‘cute and mysterious’ boyfriend, and most importantly, the amount of times she has to push the thought of him into her life simply to feel like she has someone to look forward to, a source of happiness that she should get attached to. Even when he is right in front of her, the Japanese restaurant packed with different individuals, all chatting with excitement, she can only keep thinking of him. Maybe, this is exactly what she needed, to have someone else that makes her feel…alive.

Different, he has always been, in the way he holds her with such simplicity but still looks at her with all the intent. Never falling apart, just calmly letting the breeze direct their paths together, enjoying nothing more than the time they get to spend together. Sometimes, it surprises her that there is not even the slightest of turbulence with Hyungwon, now seated in front of her and tipping his head back to down a bit of the wine they had ordered with their meal.

If happiness is this, the way his face contorts with the sweet taste before giving a smile to her, then she wants to be able to forget everything. The burning sensation of his plump lips passing across her skin feels right, but it isn’t called love for any of them.

Letting go has been the meaning of their relationship, how it developed even from the littlest of actions. Attraction, it is, the calmness of him bringing her to a sense of peace, but comparing each other seems to be the root of their upcoming issues. Pasts of previous relationships are what translate into their motions, blurring their judgements of each other. Someone’s favorite color is one thing, but the way they touch the other is the same way they reached for someone else. It’s difficult to get used to another body, to threaten to erase every bit of attachment in order to grow another root of love.

It doesn’t work like that.

“Drink slower,” She tells him, her chopsticks picking a bit of sushi in between them. The Japanese restaurant they went to is common for them, one of the many take-out meals that they have, the decorations on the ceilings golden, the rug in a dark shade of green, the trees bringing a sense of naturality even when they are inside. “The wine is not going anywhere.”

“We paid a lot of money for this wine, better enjoy it.” Hyungwon adds, leaning forward on his table before biting down on his bottom lip. His eyes scan her features, as if he wants to know the clouds of tiredness that fall under her eyes like the palm of his hand, or because he simply wants to forget every mole and trace of blemish that kisses her skin. “Did I tell you that I love when you wear that dress?”

A black dress, thin strapped dress that touched the ground softly, layered on top of a white t-shirt, that’s what Hyungwon is looking at, along with the pendant with his initial that wraps around her neck. When he said he was attentive yet quiet, he meant it. “You say that about every other dress.”

“…I don’t, stop.” Hyungwon comments, taking a bite of his own order of sushi and she smacks her lips in disbelief.

“I’m starting to believe you’re really fake.”

“I’m not the type to say I like something when I don’t.” And she knows this, one of the things she knows about Hyungwon, but no matter how much she scavenges for the little bits that make her feel like she’s in love with him, it has never happened. Likewise, for Hyungwon, the words had never left his lips and while adoration is there, it’s not exactly love they are working with. “You know what? I’m going to have more wine, considering we’re walking back.”

“I’ll have to drag you back to your place, though. Drink slower.” She retorts, a smile on her features when she leans forward and rests a soft kiss on his lips. “If only you had me like that wine.” She flirts, earning a chuckle from Hyungwon.

“…Spending lots of money on it and drinking it in one go because I have to make sure every penny it’s worth it?”

“Don’t ruin the moment.” Another brief peck is pressed against her lips before she sits back down on her seat, fixing the chopsticks in between her fingers when patting them against the plate. “Man, I really missed having some time with you. All I’ve been thinking this week is how I need to have some sushi with my boyfriend.”

“Jinhee is finally getting to your nerves.”

“People rarely get on my nerves, because I’m mostly the annoying one in the relationship.” She answers quickly, looking up at him for a brief second as if searching for an answer before giving another bite to her food. “But, man, this one student in one of those classes I went to was really testing it with me.”

“What did he say?” Hyungwon asks, interested.

“Hear this,” She starts. “Why are we supposed to feel motivated when you, yourself, must feel unmotivated from time to time?”

“He’s got a point.”

“I’m always happy!” That same fronting issue that goes on inside her heart burns at Hyungwon’s lips when he speaks out.

“You shouldn’t push yourself to always be happy.” He tells her, hand reaching forward until he squeezes the skin gently. “But…I’ll make sure you keep that sentence alive. You’ll always be happy.”

Warmth, heightening more and more as Hyungwon keeps drinking, only a few sips given by her and by the time an hour and a half has passed of the two eating, now enjoying desserts of their own, Hyungwon is drunken. His head is tilted back, the expanse of the elongated part of his body blossoming with a few reminders of the kisses she had pressed and marked there early on the week. His hair falls on top of his eyes, suddenly babbling more than he would, the quiet one of the relationship generally, a perfect listener until now, he wants to talk about everything.

Like her favorite movie, or the way her laugh sounds when she is really into a joke he tells. Things that he seems to remember about her, reminiscent of them perfectly the more he loses himself in his drink. When she finally pries the cup away from his hands, however, her boyfriend leans his weight forward and chuckles with his entire teeth, those crevices that she loves forming under his eyes when he clearly is trying to look cute in her book.

And maybe, it’s working.

And maybe, she can fall in love.

“I still remember our first trip,” But only in a month of being in a relationship, they still have yet to think of a trip. This brings a frown up her features, inspecting the way he grasps her fingers in his hold before placing his soft lips on top of them. Fleeting, like what they have for each other. “We went to…your family’s house,” Yet, Hyungwon had never gotten to know her family. “And I got to see that little room of yours. It was so cute.”

“Hyungwon, that didn’t happen.”

Soberness doesn’t overtake him, but he squints at her before chuckling a bit more awkwardly, resting his head against the table in his drunken state. “Right…” He whispers, looking up at her whilst his chin digs into the wooden material of the table. “I’d love to meet your family, though.”

A rebound, that is what she is, because Hyungwon is thinking of such a memory with adoration—confusing it with her in the line that they have traced between their pasts and their present. It only so happens that she can’t get angry at him for this, she can’t simply scold him for…loving someone else, when she doesn’t think she has fully stopped loving someone. Surely, she no longer likes Tsubasa as a person, but the longing deep in her soul will forever carve the name of the person that she had adored for seven years. “I’m sure you would…” She mumbles back, running her fingertips through his hair before sighing. “Were you thinking of Hyunae?”

“…I confused things, sorry.” His rough voice fills the air softly when he holds her hands tightly. “But don’t think I like you any less because of this.”

Like you.

Like.

Like, not love.

Why does that make her feel more at ease?

“You’re so cheerful and happy and loud. So funny, so…given to everyone. Whenever you enter a room, you’re ready to talk and make everything fun and I need that.” Hyungwon answers, looking up at her with glistening eyes before mouthing out a small: “Who would I prefer to be with than with you?”

Probably Hyunae, had she not left him. If everything had gone well with Tsubasa and it had been the first big fight instead of the thousandth one, maybe she’d be with him, too. Not to say she likes Hyungwon less or that she doesn’t sigh in utter happiness when he presses a kiss to her lips or when he laughs in absolute joy. She needs time, she promises herself, to get used to someone else. She’s fearful, perhaps she doesn’t want to be in the end of heartbreak again, to get so sick of love that she seeks for it more. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Hyungwon. You were with her for long, I understand…but we’re moving forward, that’s the good thing.”

He realizes, probably, that she is in the same predicament. Sober, of course, he must have noticed.

Because she can’t let go.

Not completely. She would never go back to Tsubasa, but the memories keep haunting her.

Maybe, she could have done better.

Maybe, Hyungwon will end up fighting with her, too.

…Is love for everyone?

“I’ve already moved forward.” He explains, earning a breathy laugh from her when she slices a bit of his lemon pie, wanting to have a taste in contrast of her passion fruit one.

“We’ll get there, step by step, make memories of our own, you know?” Convincing, she means to sound, even to herself, wanting nothing more than to get rid of the second skin that has been clinging to her, holding her onto something that she isn’t anymore. It will be alright, she promises deep in her brain, relying on her vision to see more of the love of her life in him. “This is just a slip up. We knew it was going to be like this.”

“Right.” Hyungwon nods, curt in the way he tries to do so. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” She tells him, wanting to whisper something along the lines of ‘because I also go through the same thing’, needing to forgive herself for not forgetting, but she lets it die in the back of her throat.

Because she’s always happy, and slip-ups are not for her.

###

Trust me, how many times has she said those two words in the last fifteen minutes? A hundred times, probably?

Hyungwon’s apartment has almost become second nature for her to be in, and in between walking together back home, it was a habit to end up in his place. Right now, however, she wishes nothing more than to be able to kick him out of said place—even when she is not supposed to be doing so. Leaning against the sink, she is trying to apply mascara to her bottom lashes, widening her eyes, but eyebrows furrowed in such a way with trembling fingers to control her anger that she doesn’t think she’ll be able to get the makeup right without ruining it even the slightest.

The mirror shows the decency of Hyungwon, the pride of him as he stands in his pajamas by the bathroom’s door, leaning against it with his slim and long arms cradling his chest. His hair is decorating his angry features elegantly, plush lips pressed together, eyes scanning her every action when he finally does her the justice of speaking again, much more than he normally does, all thanks to the slightest thing she had mentioned earlier, just over twenty minutes ago.

“If you wanted to go back to his arms, you just had to tell me.”

He’s not the jealous type, he had once said, and he normally isn’t…but that fear he has of her going back to Tsubasa lingers within him, tickles at that insecurity that he holds in him and now explodes into their argument. Which, speaking of, have become more prominent in their relationship after that sly honeymoon phase. Hyungwon doesn’t like when she speaks too loudly when he’s trying to concentrate on grading tests—for kindergarteners, at that—and she absolutely dislikes the way he simply falls asleep when they try to go out on dates. She has grown more used to watching around his place, the accumulation of memoirs and reminders suddenly making her sick, than spending time with him.

Earlier this week, however, she had gotten yet another offer from Tsubasa’s workplace. This time it was not from Tsubasa, but from some man named Jooheon that was interested in having her in his informercial project. When thinking deeply about it, going to a big company and earning more money is never a bad thing—but to Hyungwon, it’s a clear sign that she is missing Tsubasa, or that he is the one that offered it to her, on the first place.

The latter makes more sense, and it’s the one he holds on to the most.

“Ugh, listen, I don’t want to get back with him. Stop prompting that I do.” She replies, landing her mascara down on her makeup kit with a slam. The mirror welcomes the sight of her, getting ready with a night out with her friends, some club that they wanted her to try out and while in any other day she would have given up a night of dancing to stay at home and watch movies with Hyungwon, this argument is making her want to leave more and more.

His eyes roll, not magically, just because he wants for her to see that he is annoyed. “Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t realize that he is the one that made this Jooheon guy call you?”

She turns around at that, looking up and down his body as if to minimize him. The blue walls of the bathroom feel even more tense the more they stare at each other, all cladded in reminders of Hyungwon. His toothbrush, his hair products, everything that would otherwise have her feeling like she is at home, but now making her feel suffocated. “Hyungwon, stop trying to put me as the cheater here. One, I would never do that to you. Two, he would never do that. I know him—”

“Oh, excuse me, yes, I forget that you’ve known him for your entire life and that you dated for seven years, so I’m always expected to know how he is just so…nice and caring and would never do something like this.” Hyungwon speaks in his low voice, never losing that poise that represents him. “As if he wasn’t the one that pressured you into calling some stranger to see who your new man was—”

“Well, I didn’t complain when you mixed Hyunae up with me. How many times have you thought about her when being with me?”

“I have never.” Though, she can’t believe him, now nearing him, a little bit more of height when she is wearing her heels, breathing deeply when she takes a good glance at his eyes. They are bored, of course he’s never going to show his true feelings. “Just like how I am not oblivious that she was not that nice. She asked some stranger to break up with me, and Tsubasa is clearly trying to get you into the job because he wants you back.”

“And I, the whore in this situation, would definitely go back to him. Is that what you mean?”

“No,” Hyungwon whispers. “But you’ve loved him for so long—”

“You need to understand me here! It’s not about how much I love him but it’s about me and my job and how some motivational speaker job is not taking me anywhere!”

Silence, that’s what surrounds this moment when Hyungwon utters out a tiny: “It’s about how you’ve loved him, but we’ve been together for months and I feel like you don’t love me.”

When a glass shatters, people try their best to grasp it before it lands on the floor. However, gravity is stronger. This is how this moment feels like, staring at him and the blue walls, suffocating her, because this is what she has been doing all along. Suffocating and suffocating, trying her best to forget to the point she has never forgotten at all. Hyungwon, though meaningful for her and possibly someone she loves now, will never be quite as strong as she had once had felt. Maybe, that is what adulthood does to her, it wears her off.

“Baby, it’s not about that…” She tries to reason, reaching up for his face and cradling his face. “I do care for you.”

“Care?” Hyungwon asks, lifting his eyebrows before getting away from her. She closes the door behind her in a hassle, following after his steps as she speaks in loud words.

“Yeah, care! I do care about you.”

His fingers wrap around her coat, tossing it at her with a sigh, nodding towards the door. “Call me when you get there and make sure you don’t drink too much.”

“Hyungwon—”

“If you care so much about me, just go out for tonight and let me think for once.” He replies, opening the door for her and holding his hand out with weaving fingers. “So? I’m waiting.”

Uneasily, the straps of her heels slip across her skin, clicking against the flooring and expecting Hyungwon to say something, turning around just in time to kiss him on the lips, but it feels as though he is dead, paralyzed, unable to move when she mumbles a small: “I love you.”

But it’s meaningless, of course it is.

The club is packed, ready to have anyone on the dance floor, drinking, smoking, living the best part of their lives, but instead her friends and herself are seated by the bar, simply talking beneath themselves about the issues that have interrupted her trains of thoughts ever since she got inside the taxi. The city could never quite feel as loud as her thoughts are, trying to recall since when it had become a habit for her to lie and if she really, sincerely, with all the might in her heart, thought that Tsubasa was not behind Jooheon’s intentions. After all, it could be some subconscious matter that is trying to push her back to the home she had gotten so used to, the one that she has tried to destroy with all the intention in the world.

The words go past her lips, reminiscent of every single argument they’ve had. One because he had fallen asleep when watching a movie. Another one because Hyungwon claimed that she was hiding from him, hence not saying anything when she was feeling gloomy. The screen that she had created for the movie of her life is suddenly projecting everything that is wrong, no longer a happy movie the more she downs sips of water, her friend’s attention on her. The second-nature of feeling comfortable with each other is falling into the realization that they are not really serious with one another, a reason as to why anyone would feel insecure in a long-lasting relationship. One that aims to be so, at least.

“Men are so stupid!” Miwoo says in between a shout, the music making them speak a bit louder than usual. She moves her hair off her shoulders, showcasing trained and tight shoulders. ��I remember I used to be with this guy when I was in Paris for university and I swear…that guy ghosted me after it became serious. Some guy obsessed with travelling, like he really didn’t give two shits about my feelings.”

She nods softly, feet moving under the counter the more she thinks about the fight that had just ensued in Hyungwon’s apartment. “And he goes on to blame me, like I spent seven years in a relationship and got out of it, that’s my story. He shouldn’t think I’ll go and cheat on him or something—”

Seola is the next to speak, looking around to the masses of people dancing. “Besides, haven’t you been complaining about how he is boring?”

“Not in most occasions…” The answer is protective, mostly because she doesn’t want anyone hurting Hyungwon, but the anger that she feels within her bubbles up with the need of an outburst. “Doah should know about this, it’s just what happens after being with someone for a while. He just doesn’t try anymore. He doesn’t…initiate anything, you know? He simply expects for us to fall into this routine, like we have to plan each moment of our week, rules and all.”

“Maybe, he’s comfortable with you.” Doah tries to reason, the one that has more experience—and good one at that—in relationships. “…Like, sure, he should try harder, but you knew he’s a simple guy. Maybe, he just doesn’t want to do outlandish things but he needs…normal stuff.”

“I’m okay with that, totally!” She replies, looking ahead before puckering up her lips and sighing. “But there needs to be some spice.”

Seola scrunches up her nose at that, groaning. “Oh my God, no. We’re not talking about that together.”

“Not that kind of spice, Seola.” She tells her, tapping her finger against her cheek, trying to come up with that answer of what Hyungwon lacks. He’s funny, even when he doesn’t try, the type to be a bit awkward and yet, somewhat sassy. He’s got attitude, and yet he’s respectful, a sobering experience with his own strict nature, but still calm and serious. She’s liked this for as long as she knows him, but now it’s getting to her nerves. “The kind…you know…the kind that makes me think I really love him.”

“Didn’t you say you told him you loved him for the first time today?” Seola asks, only to have Miwoo sighing.

“Seola, of course she doesn’t mean it.”

Doah is the one to scoff at that. “But why? You were the one that initiated this relationship on the first place.”

“…B—Because…he’s just…he’s…” She’s answerless, looking up at the ceiling in hopes of finding something in the lights. She used to think that forever’s just come in shapes of unexplainable beings, that when someone is speechless it is something to be proud about. She wanted to shut up so badly, thanks to her past relationship, that she now comes short on what she wants to say. “He’s just…Hyungwon, and I don’t want to hurt him.”

Doah, one to say things straight, shakes her head in the matter of seconds. “You’ll hurt him and he’ll hurt you.”

The hand of Miwoo lands against her head. “Don’t say that!”

“They are using each other to get over their exes. Of course, they are not going to find reasons to love each other.” The conspiracy theory that Doah is voicing out has her parting her lips in surprise…because, like, that really isn’t it, right? She smacks her red lips together, reminiscent of how much Hyungwon likes to see her in that shade. She’s over Tsubasa, she just needs to love Hyungwon now— “Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of my best friends, but you need to stop lying to yourself. Hyungwon is in love with Hyunae, you’re in love with Tsubasa.”

“I’m not in love with him!” She replies, sincerity in her tone when she grips her chest. “I really don’t feel an ounce of love for him anymore…I don’t like him anymore, either. I just want to be happy.”

Seola, one that had been quiet for a little bit, rubs the back of her neck when she says: “And who’s to say that’s with Hyungwon?”

“Girls, attention,” Gaining the reigns of the situation once again, one of her legs crosses over the other to feel powerful when she takes her water bottle up to her lips. A sip, that’s all she needs, to relax and forget that this night ever happened. Tsubasa is clearly the bad one in this case…and herself, too, for simply forgetting Hyungwon’s feelings while hers were bursting in absolute delight of being able to go to that company that she has aspired to be part of. “Like, I just know Hyungwon’s the guy I like right now. The one I want. I don’t want to kiss, hug, learn to love or even have sex with anyone else but him. I know that, what I don’t know is what’s wrong with me or my body or my heart…because I can’t seem to tell him I love him as easily as I did with…”

“Tsubasa.” Doah replies, tilting her head to both sides to stop the ache on her neck. “Stop comparing him to Tsubasa and maybe, he’ll get the chance to be loved by you.”

With the weight of Seola’s hand placed on her shoulder, she sighs. “And if Hyungwon makes you happy, he makes us happy. We want nothing more than for you to let go of that toxic relationship and learn how to love someone that…just wants to fall into a routine with you, to love you for who you are.”

Though, it rips at her chest to know that she’s fearful, scared to move and hold him, just to show him that he’s worth of love, too. Perhaps, she was scared of risking another goodbye, another moment in which she’d have to say goodbye to the person she likes…simply because something doesn’t feel right. In this case, however, with the argument that happened this night, she feels as though she may be killing her own relationship, all with the distraction of wanting it to be so perfect…that she’d destroy it in a second without knowing.

The tight grin that caresses her cheeks is barely seen when she breathes out a small, softened: “…He does.” Because, no one would have treated her as nicely as he did, showing her that even the shades of her that were not happy were able to be loved, never pushing, never pulling…simply…being.

Is that kind of compatible with her, though?

Is anyone compatible with her, to start with?

###  

The record was beaten three days ago when Hyungwon and herself had broken up for the third time in their relationship.

The periods of time are never too long, if a week at most of being away, perhaps for some not considered as a break but for her…another reminder of why exactly they are not working out. Every day and every night, she questions herself more as to why she makes bad decisions. Why, in the world, is she laying on her couch with her eyes closed, wondering what exactly had gone wrong. Apparently, something within her still holds on to the past, and Hyungwon simply can’t stand with that one bit of insecurity that tells him he’ll always be good but never as good as…

Silently, she had done so, she had brought someone with beaming colors to be a dulling gray color. Now, looking up at her ceiling, the white colors of it being painted in memories, she realizes that her life shouldn’t always be yellow, like the Sun, either. She should have let herself grieve the break-up with Tsubasa, the ache of being used for so many years, let herself heal and love someone else…like herself. She should have looked for a grounding moment in her own hands, instead of having someone else grasping her with love. She should have simply respected the moment of silence that should have gone past after Hyungwon got broken up with, simply because lusting after a man that is probably going through a hard time is not exactly the best of decisions.

Not to say she does not enjoy spending time with Hyungwon, that kissing him in the morning is not the highlight of her days and reuniting with him by the street they always connect in is not one of the reasons she lets the mask of faux happiness fall for one that is more tranquil, because she loves all of those things. She loves when Hyungwon starts his sentences and suddenly shakes his head, as if his idea sounds ridiculous, or when one word from his lips is enough to have her laughing. Specially, she loves when his fingers slot with hers and when his plump lips press to her collarbone, her neck, as if making her shine with a simplistic touch of his.

Even when she argues with him for it, she loves that he continues with the rules…that he absolutely and wholeheartedly believes in going by the right line, but she hates him even more when after this break up, she hears his keys slotting through her doorknob, welcoming him inside her apartment.

Her eyes don’t break away from the ceiling, wanting her life to be blank—white, as if she had never done anything, but instead, she hears the sound of rustling, perhaps from a bag and the noise of Hyungwon’s knees creaking under his weight when he kneels beside her on the couch. His long fingertips splay on top of her stomach, calling for her attention with small pats when he calls her name softly.

It’s up to her to break this up, as it seems.

Because Hyungwon is a creature of familiarity and she is one to push forward, always going for the end-line, to think that happiness is always at the end of every story. This shows in the way he looks at her, months after their initiation as a couple, his plush lips pulled into a smile when their gazes connect, his hair shorter and seeking for her touch when he takes one of her hands in his and brings it up to his face.

“I brought some food for us. Japanese, from our favorite restaurant.” He tells her as a peace offering, and she really wishes she could care less about this situation, but his words alone have her sitting up and shaking her head. Her hands cloud her vision, covering her eyes when she takes some deep breaths. “Hey, I know we were fighting before and we said that we’d be breaking up but—”

“But we really need to, Hyungwon.” She replies, being in this place before and once again, ending it before it gets worse. Perhaps, she really has to work on herself—know, for once, that life is not always about looking to cover the bad with the good, but learning how to improve the bad, slowly but surely, accepting it before it translates into something better. The man is silent when she uncovers her face, looking at her before settling the bag down.

“I know it’s been difficult, but I really love you—”

“And I don’t think I can love you quite as much as you deserve to be loved.” Then, she notices the bouquet of flowers he laid over her coffee table and how the steam of the food surround them, staring at each other for answers when Hyungwon’s shaky and breathy sighs, eyes somehow looking more than monotone, give her an initiative that he is heartbroken.

“You’re being serious with this…” He replies, standing up and saving his hands in the depths of his pockets, looking at her as if she has grown a second head. “…I—”

“Hyungwon, I need you to heal. I need me to heal.” Though, this will only bring more pain, but it’s what’s right. What should have done from the beginning, wait and wait and wait until she was ready to love again. “Just—Listen to me for once. This isn’t about another man, or comparing you, or loving someone more. I feel like I’ve grown…I’ve grown to feel for you, but you don’t love me the way I should and I don’t love you the way you deserve.”

She takes him by the shoulders then, fragile under her hold, broken when, once again, Hyungwon is tossed to the side as if he means nothing. Walking him towards the door, she hears him speak softly. “Oh…I understand…”

The door opens, taking him outside before the tears that are willing to escape her eyes tell her to hold on to him, because only him had been open enough to love her, to understand her even when she was hurting, to let her play her little game of being happy when in reality…she hasn’t been fully in a while. “Just go before I kiss you, okay? I need us to end this tonight.”

Hyungwon looks over his shoulder, asking: “No more getting back together?”

And maybe, she’s a bit egotistic, because she leans forward and presses a fleeting kiss to his lips, wanting to remember the outline of his lips against hers, the way that skin seemed to be made for her…but not in the way it happened. “After this, no.” She tells him, looking at him with a plea in her eyes. “But we’re on good terms, okay? I just think it’s bad that we’re on and off again. I’ve gone through this; I know how it’ll end either way.”

“Alright.” He blinks for a moment, watching her when she closes the door on his face and in a brief second, she’s already looking through the peephole, watching the absolute drain of emotions in his face, eyes looking for solace, lips moving softly when he parts them. Once he turns around again, she watches his fists press onto the wall as if he’s lost a war, holding onto reality. It has been tough on him, broken up by the people he had grown to like, people he was in relationships with…but she’s thinking of how much more happiness she’ll give him once this is over.

Hopefully, there is some for him and some for her. They deserve it, even when it is by themselves.

It’s over.

###

Don’t do it.

But…

No, don’t do it. You’ll break his heart.

But…

When talking to her friends, it’s easy to play it off as some break up. It’s her talent, after all, to simply push her worries away…and some other times, she drops everything on them about how difficult it has been to let go of Hyungwon. Much more when, slowly but surely, she had grown to have some lovely feelings for him. The battle, or rather staring battle, between his contact on her phone have her sighing, pondering as to why she misses him so much…or why she hasn’t deleted his number…or why she feels a pang on her chest when all her pictures with him are deleted from his social media, but from hers it’s almost impossible.

This time at night, he’d still be up. This time at night, she’d be kissing his shoulder and watching a movie with him, helping him grade tests if she’s feeling like him. This time at her life, she’d be learning how to love him, slowly but like a waltz, like the ones she has always wanted to share with him. Reaching out for him would hurt him even more, and maybe she’s giving too much credit to herself by thinking of herself as a heartbreaker, but the reality is that she had broken her own heart too many times. She says she’ll get better, and finally, she does…but when she is on the way there, she always misses the past.

Always. Never. Ever. She has to get rid of those words.

…A text would not hurt, right?

Yet, contacting him again would have her holding onto something that was finished and he’d be the same way. She doesn’t want to burden him, to remember him of how hard he tried before it eventually came falling down—all because she saw the past more than she saw a future. Her fingers hover right above the delete button, images of the first time she saw him in person filling her brain. So kind, sweet, silently so, the one person that had given her more light from the Sun rather than shadowing her in the process. And they made a mess out of that, too much light until they got blinded by their desires of what they wanted out of their relationship.

Somehow, when she finally deletes the number, she thinks she can feel his lips pressing down on hers…or she wishes to be able to hold him, to make him feel loved as she should have loved him in the past, to run towards him and hug him in her arms. Yet, it’s too late. It’s time for her to love herself, rather than loving someone else.

But…

Is he tired?

Is he eating just fine?

Does he miss her, just as much as she misses him?

A sigh leaves her lips, rotating on her bed until she is looking out the window. The Moon blinks back at her, asking for them to be friends, to hold the night as if it is also beautiful enough to be loved and she comes to the conclusion that she only hopes for him to know that she tried. Hard. With all her might. With the love that she had grown to have for him but could never voice out properly in fear of ever…moving on.

In fear of him saying ‘goodbye’, only to be the one that ended up saying it.

[cenestpasmoi-bechloe]

As I Lost My Heart in You

When you’re 16, initials of your soulmate appears on your wrist.It varies by person, but everyone usually spends time trying to find theirs.  It doesn’t always mean that there’s going to be a relationship, sometimes you spend your whole life trying to find your soulmate. 

Title from Mariah Carey's Underneath the Stars.

Gifted to @177-8 for the Pitch Perfect Fandom Drive!

Thank you for contributing!

I hope you enjoy it and I apologize for taking so long!!

For more info on how to help, visit the

@ppfandomdrive

page.

Read on Ao3 

Beca Mitchell got hers the week of her 16th birthday. She didn’t believe in soulmates and initials. Her dad and her mom had their initials, but they had gotten divorced, her mom died of cancer, and while she was fighting it, her dad had found his ‘soulmate’. She couldn’t forgive her father for ding that to her mother.  But she had gotten her initials whether she liked them or not, two letters, CB in cursive.

By that time, she had figured that she was gay, and she had dated a few people.

Her first girlfriend, was Juliana Taylor, but they had broken up, just because they weren’t feeling ‘it’ anymore. Juliana had BM on her wrist, but it probably wasn't her anyways.

She’d decided she’d give boys a try when Conner Basin asked her out. It was less of a date and more of a hangout with a bro, but she had figured he wasn’t the one either, after he had criticized Beca’s favorite video game. He had said the graphics were bad, and that the settings weren’t enough. Beca had called for her friend Stacie to come pick her up at the mall right away, which she did, with her flavor of the week, Jesse Owens.

Boys were a no-go.

Two years later, she was off to college, Barden University, full ride by her father, who is a faculty at Barden. Stacie went along with her, but with a full ride scholarship with her amazing high school grades. Barden had a weird rule about roommates, where everyone had their roommates select randomly by the housing office. That meant that she couldn’t room with Stacie, and she was bunked with Kimmy-Jin, the international student from Korea. Stacie had been roomed with a girl named Alisha, who stacie couldn’t stand. Stacie was literally trying to find a sorority just for their housing.  

Chloe Beale had gotten her initials on her 16th birthday. She didn’t have one before her party, but somehow had one when she took a shower that night. It was a BM in bold letters. She had tried hard to find her soulmate, but couldn’t find anyone that was the ‘one’. She had dated a Bobby Markham, but his birth name was Robert, which made his initials RM, thus making it impossible for him to be her soulmate. But where was the rush anyways? She was still 17. She had college plus a few more years to figure out this whole soulmate thing.

She was off to Barden which had an amazing pre-vetrenary program. She met her best friend, Aubrey Posen during her first year biology class, and they had joined the Barden Bellas together soon after. She started dating Bay Matthews, a boy going to Georgia State at a party during the summer, but had broken up due to him being very possessive.

She had worked hard in the Bellas until her junior year, the senior Bellas that year were a bitch. The captain, Alice was the worst of them all. She bossed everyone around, and made Aubrey and Chloe do all the hard work. She was sick and tired of being bossed around like disposable objects. She had been so happy when the seniors graduated and they were finally the leaders of the group. She and Aubrey had decided to become co-captains instead of closing one leader for their group. After Aubrey and the puke incident, they were out of members and desperate to get freshmen on their team.  During the activities fair on the quad, they had to ask so many girls to join,  they couldn’t keep track. Although their determination, not a lot of people seemed to be interested. Chloe had almost given up when a beautiful brunette had walked past, not interested at first, but had taken their flier.  She had said that acapella was lame, and that she didn’t even sing. That made Aubrey nearly puke, but Chloe had hope.

One day, she’s taking a shower, actually, hooking up in the shower with her flavor of the month or two, Tom, when she hears Davis Guetta’s Titanium sung by a beautiful voice. She stops mid  kiss and walks out of her stall to try to find the owner of her beautiful voice.

“You can sing!” She’s surprised to see the brunette she had just seen at the activities fair in the afternoon.

“Dude!” She closes the curtains, but Chloe opens them back and asks her about how high her belt goes, and about how she should Jon the Bellas.

They sing together, and Chloe leaves the brunette’s shower stall with her boy toy.  What she realizes is that she gad forgotten to ask her her name. All she had managed to see was the brunettes initials on her wrist, which had her initials, CB.

The day of the audition comes, and the brunette decides to arrive at the audition, and sings a song with cups at the end. She can tell that Aubrey is pissed at the fact that she was the best in all of the auditions, and Chloe convinces Aubrey to let her join the Bellas.

After the audition, she finds out that the brunette’s name is Beca Mitchell from the papers Chloe had asked her to fill out.

Beca Mitchell. Chloe’s already so interested in her.

They start with 10 girls on invitation night. The next day, two girls are dismissed, breaking their Bellas promise of not sleeping with a Treblemaker.

Beca didn’t think that shed be joining a female acapella group, and actually taking part in it. Her dad had told her that if she tried her first year, and she still wanted to become a DJ in LA despite trying hard to participate in college life, that he’d let her. That was the biggest reason that she had joined the Bellas, and second being that Chloe, the girl who had caught her at the activities fair, and barged into her shower, was kind of hot. Maybe some hot girl motivation couldn’t hurt. Right?

After the incident at the Semi-finals of the ICCAs, she was definitely getting banned from the group. They had fallen in third place after Beca had sung bulletproof during their set. Aubrey had gotten angry, and she had gotten accused of sleeping with Jesse by her. She was for sure banned from the group.

Thats what she thought, when she got a message from Chloe during the break. The Bellas were back in the Finals, and that she wanted Beca to join the practice on Monday. She thought she was going to be banned, so the message took her by surprise, but talking it through with her dad, she had decided she would go back to practice.

She walks into the auditorium 15 minutes late, when Aubrey is puking her head off, and all the girls are trying to get ahold of the pitch pipe.

She stops the whole argument, and the group shares an amazing moment and the next second, Aubreys tossing her pitch pipe over to Beca. She mis-catches it, and it lands in the pile of puke. Gross.

They head to the pool and have an impromptu mashup session where they find their harmony. They all hug, and Beca somehow catches a glance at Chloes wrist, which says BM. She tries to shake it off of her mind, but she fails.

Chloe had a BM on her wrist, and Beca has a CB. Could this mean that they could be soulmates? But Chloe hasn’t ever said that she was gay, and didn’t she have a boyfriend in the shower that day?

Beca tries to forget.

She really tries.

Beca didn’t believe in soulmates. At least that’s what she had thought. Right?

When she gets back to her dorm after practice one day, she tries to work on her mixes.  She can’t seem to concentrate on anything. Chloe had looked at her more than usual, and Beca was getting nervous. Did she have something to say to her?  Had she done something wrong?

Thats when she gets a knock on the door. Its usually Kimmy-Jin’s friends, so she lets the girl answer it, but to her surprise, what she hears next is a voice that belongs to Chloe.

“Hey Beca. Can I talk to you for a second?” She asks, and Beca looks at her from her desk.

“Yeah. Sure. What’s up?”

Chloe frowns, “Outside maybe?” Beca nods, getting up and walking out the room.

“What’s  up?” Beca asks the ginger as she walks down the hall, and out the door, and she knows she’s heading to the Bellas house. The Bellas had a house, the house Tri Delta had used before moving to a new buildings. It was basically a sorority house, and they were allowed to move in from sophomore year.

“What’s up with you? You’re acting strange lately. “ Chloe says to her.

Beca shrugs. “Its nothing.  N-nothing in general. “ She answers nervously.

“You saw my initials didn’t you?”

Shit. Had Chloe seen her that night?

“You did, huh?” Chloe says turning her wrist to show Beca. “Look, I saw yours in the shower that day. CB. Right?”

Beca nods, a bit more comfortable.

“And you’ve been thinking about this, correct?” She asks her. Beca nods again. “That we have each other’s initials.”

“I don’t even believe in soulmates…..”Beca mutters, looking into Chloe’s eyes.

“They don’t have to be relationships, you know.”

“Yeah, have you seen anyone with a soulmate friendship? They always end up dating, or getting married, or whatever. “Beca scoffs.

Chloe doesn’t say anything. She can’t find anything to say. She tries, but no words come out.

“See. And I don’t believe in this whole soulmates bullshit anyways. Can I go now?” She doesn’t wait for Chloes answer, and just leaves the building, leaving Chloe behind her. She doesn’t know why her aches so much, but she pushes her feelings down, and goes back to her room, crawls into bed, and lets her tears shed. Why was she crying right now?

Chloe stands there in silence, not being able to say anything. She doesn’t know how long she’s just standing in the doorway, until Aubrey comes back from her meeting with her professor.

“God, Chloe. You almost gave me a heart attack. Chloe? Chloe!” She holds on to her shoulder and shakes her.

“Huh? Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just a bit tired.” She shakes it off, trying to escape from Aubrey’s tightening grip on her shoulders.

“Oh bullcrap. I know you so well Chloe.” She scoffs. “What’s wrong Chloe? Is it Tom? Because if he’s hurting you, I swear to god Chloe, I’m gonna kill him….”

“No no. It’s not Tom.”

“What is it then? Its Beca isn’t it? Oh my god Chloe. It is! What happened with ear monstrosities?”

“Nothing. Can you leave me alone?” She runs up to her room and slams the door shut, and bursting into tears. Why did she have to be like that to Aubrey? She knows she shouldn’t have, and she’s regretting it so much. And she shouldn’t have confronted Beca. Now she had ruined her relationship with Beca and Aubrey.

Somehow, she’s managed to fall asleep, and she’s woken up with a gentle knock on the door. “Chloe. I’m sorry about earlier. Can I come in?” She hears Aubrey’s voice. She gets out of bed, and opens the door.

“Chloe I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have stepped in. I just don’t want you to get hurt, you know.” She say, giving her a hug.

“I know Bree.” She sighs, burying her face in Aubrey’s shoulder.

“Do you like her Chloe?”Aubrey asks, and she doesn’t even need to answer. “I know Chloe. It’s okay.” She rubs her back as Chloe sobs into her shoulder.

Beca ’s about to miss two days of classes when her father comes in to her room. “Beca. Wake up. Beca?”

She flutters her eyes open. “Huh?”

“Beca. What’s wrong? I know you’re upset at me but you’re upset for a whole another reason. What’s up?”He asks.

“NOthinggggg. Just some soulmate bullshit.”

“Beca, are we talking about me and your mother, because…” He tries to start but Beca intervenes.

“No. It’s not about you and mom or you and Sheila. It’s about my soulmate. That is, if there is even one anymore.” She scoffs.

“Who do you think it is?”

“Chloe.”

“Chloe in the Bellas. Chloe Beale?” He opens his eyes wide. “Oh Beca. That’s great!”

“No it isn’t. I just messed up our whole friendship. I just yelled at her and ran off.” She says looking down.

“Oh Beca, go talk to her. You might even find out that she’s not even your soulmate.” He says patting her on her shoulder. “Now go talk to her or go to your philosophy class.” He says to her and leaves the room.

Now Beca had no choice. She had to go see Chloe. Right? She gets up, takes a shower and gets ready to head to the auditorium to find Chloe.

Chloe decided that she would keep skipping practice until she was okay, and that probably meant for eternity. That’s why she’s surprised, when she hears a knock at the door. It couldn’t be anyone other than Aubrey, right? But Aubreys at practice right now, and she always texts before she comes back, asking if she needed anything from the mini-mart. That meant someone else was at the door. Right? What if its a…..

“Chloe?” The door opens and Chloe jumps, but there she is, Beca Mitchell, standing in front of the doorway of Chloe’s room.

“Oh my god Beca! You’re gonna give me a heart attack!” She says now trying to calm herself down. Her heart was pounding and it didn’t seem to stop. Was it her being scared, or was it because Beca’s here?

“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I went to the auditorium, and you weren’t there. Aubrey gave me her keys and told me you were here.” She says as she slowly steps into the room. “I should’ve called. Or whatever….” She mutters, waiting for permission to come into the room. “I needed to talk to you.” Chloe shifts in her bed, making room for Beca to sit, and she takes it as an go sign to walk into the room.

“What’s up?” Chloe says in her most normal-im-okay-but-kinda-not tone.

“Soulmates.” She just says, looking at Chloe.

“Soulmates.” She repeats. “What about them?” She grips her fist tight, nails turning her palms white as she clutches. She’s nervous. She didn’t realize it until now, but she’s nervous. She’s nervous about what Beca is going to say. How it might change their relationship forever. How it might just come crashing down.

“What do you think about them? Do you believe in it?” Beca pauses. “Do you think we are?”

She’s been waiting for her to say this to hear her say it. She looks into her eyes. Beca’s beautiful blue eyes are twinkling. her tears are just barely there, right before spilling out of her eyes.

“Beca. I can’t. I can’t anymore…. I can’t pretend like we don’t have chemistry. Like we aren’t meant to be. I can’t do this anymore. Please tell me if I’m crazy, and I’m the only one feeling this between us. Because I’ll stop. I’ll stop if this is just me. So tell me. Am I the only one feeling our chemistry? The way sparks fly when we look at each other, how we slipped into it own world, that days in the shower? Tell me. please….” Chloe lets her tears spill out of her eyes, down her cheeks, and onto the comforter.

“Chloe….” Beca says, looking into her eyes, with her own tears down her cheeks. “I’m messed up. I’m damaged goods. You don’t want me….”

“I do though Beca. I really do. I can’t fight this anymore.”

That moment, no-one really knows what happens, or who kissed who first. It doesn’t matter anymore. Their lips touch, and their hands are around one another, and it’s perfect. No-one could break this moment.

“I love you Beca. I can’t help but love you.” Chloe smiles as she says so, lips still touching.

“I think I love you too Beale.” Beca chuckles.

“You THINK!? Beca THINK!? You don’t love me?” Chloe pouts, jokingly pushing her away.

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I love you Beale. There! Happy?” She says pecking her lip once again.

They’re kissing each other back and fourth, enjoying their moment together when they hear a knock on the door, and then the door opens.

“Finally. What took you so long?” Aubrey chuckles as she looks at them from the doorway.

“Nothing. Beca just had to realize that I was here.”Chloe chuckles as she pokes the younger brunette.

“Heyyyyyy!” Beca pouts, burying her face in Chloe’s hair.

“You two are disgustingly adorable. Don’t hurt her Beca. Or else, I’ll hunt you down and murder you. I’m not kidding.” Aubrey ays as she walks out.

“I love you too!” Chloe giggles kissing Beca’s head. “So are you going to come back to practice now?” She asks as she wraps her arms around Beca and pulls her down to her bed, making them lay down.

“Yeah, I guess so. I mean, you’re gonna drag me to them now right?” Beca asks, lifting her head up, and looking at the ginger’s eyes.

“Yup. That’s totally going to happen. But don’t worry. It’ll be worth it.” She gives a quick peck on the lips. “So, does this mean you’re gonna be mine girlfriend?”

“Um…… I guess?”

“Um… YOU GUESS!? Seriously? Get out of my room!” She jokingly pushes the brunette off of her.

“Sorry! Sorry! I would love to be your girlfriend. “ She says to her, trying to not get pushed off of the bed.

“Awwwww. Yay!” She wraps her arms back around her.

“Love you too. “ Beca says laying back on top of her.  She didn’t believe in soulmates before, but now she did, and it’s a good change for her. She knows she’s going to be so much happier, and maybe Barden wasn’t that bad after all.

She then realizes that Chloe’s a senior.

But right now, it doesn’t matter, she presses a gentle kiss on the ginger’s lips and closes her eyes, falling asleep.

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Steve//Boys Like You

Okay, so this doesn’t exactly follow the Steve/Nancy plot of season 2 (or at least I don’t think it does) but, I really like it so I don’t care. Anyway! Enjoy! And yes, I am now becoming a Stranger Things stan account. Sweet Pea who? I only know Steve Harrington. (based off this song)

“And then she said it was all bullshit. Like our entire relationship and everything.” Steve is sat on your couch at 2am, sobbing into your chest. He turned up twenty minutes ago, tears flowing freely down his cheeks and a look of defeat on his face. 

You’d of course let him in, glad that your parents were out of town for the week. Ever since you’d known Steve Harrington, you’d followed him around like a lost puppy. Wherever he was, you were right by his side. Well, more behind him slightly, kinda in the background. There enough for him to notice you, but never enough, and usually when he needed you. 

You knew that you could get better friends, you were pretty, funny and smart. But there was just something about the brown-eyed boy with the brilliant hair that pulled you in and kept you hooked. So much so that by the time it was your senior year, you were madly in love with him, watching him pursue a girl that just didn’t seem that interested in him. 

However you were there to pick up the pieces, like you always were. And tonight seemed to be one of those nights. He’d been to Tina’s Halloween party, something that you weren’t invited to, by Tina or Steve for that matter. But you had other things to do anyway. You’d just been about to fall asleep when he knocked on the door, and now your trying your best to comfort him, even though the girl he was madly in love with, had just broken his heart and left him for another boy. 

“It’s okay Stevie.” You soothe, the nickname that you’d used for him since you could remember, rolled off your tongue like second nature and he smiled at the comfort. “She’s just drunk. She probably won’t even remember it in the morning.” 

“I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.” He sighs and you look at him sympathetically, running your fingers through his hair. There was only a few people that had the privilege of touching his hair, and you were one of the lucky ones. 

“Better. There’s always a tomorrow to talk things through and make things right.” 

“How did I get so damn lucky to have you as a friend?” He asks, wonder lacing his voice and you blush profusely. 

“Luck, I guess.” You shrug and he shakes his head, laughing softly. 

“Nah, it’s more than that. You’re the best thing in my life.” He says, and grabs your hand, giving it a tight squeeze. He drops it before you even have the chance to comprehend what was happening and you can’t help but feel disappointment rise.

“Shouldn’t you be saying that to your girlfriend.” You roll your eyes. 

“Nope. Because I’m saying it to you. Y/n Y/l/n. You are the best thing in my life.” He repeats himself, but there’s something in his voice thats holding him back. You know he’s lying. You know it’s always going to be Nancy Wheeler, but for just one night you can pretend that he actually meant that. You know what you look like to him, you know what you are to him. You’re his childhood best friend that has followed him blindly and not minded being put in the background, just as long as she gets to hang around with him. 

“Sure I am.” You roll your eyes again. “You keep telling yourself that Harrington, I’m going to bed. You coming?” 

“Yeah.” He shrugs and stands up, holding his hand out towards you. You gladly take it and he pulls you up, rather aggressively. So much so that you fall slightly into his chest and he grabs your arms to steady you. You tilt your head up to look at him and he’s already smiling back at you. That signature Steve Harrington smile that has made every single girl in Hawkins High fall in love with him. 

“Steve?” You ask, breaking the silence. He hums in response, still staring down at you, a soft expression in his eyes that makes you melt. “How are you feeling?” 

“Much better after seeing you.” He replies and you giggle softly. The two of you stare at each other for a few moments longer, and you swear he’s leaning into you. His gaze flickers between your eyes and your lips, and then he’s pressing his lips against yours, igniting a flame deep inside you. Steve Harrington is kissing you! Holy shit. You kiss back, just as cautiously, but his hands fall to your hips, pulling you closer to him and your arms wrap around his neck, deepening the kiss. However he pushes you away from him, staring at you wide eyed and breathless. You’re looking back at him, also breathless and blushing, but your heart feels like its just been put through a lawn mower. 

“I’m so sorry.” He stammers and runs his hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have done that. I really shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s fine.” You reassure him, taking a few steps towards him but he stumbles backwards and there’s another sharp pain shooting through your chest. The way he’s looking at you is as if you’ve just told him that there’s mythical creatures roaming Hawkins. He’s looking at you as if you’re a stranger. 

“I’m gonna go home.” He shakes his head and you reach for his hand but he pulls away. “This was such a huge mistake. I’m so sorry. “ 

“Steve.” You call after him, but he’s already out the door and down your drive. He can move fast when he really doesn’t want to be around someone. 

Tears fall freely down your face as you climb into bed. The covers are over your head, something you used to do as a child when you were upset. Usually if someone had said something mean to you, or if Steve had stolen one of your toys and refused to give it back (until his mother told him too). Now you’re just one of his toys, there when he needs something to keep him entertained and easily put back when ‘better’ is found. He’s always walked around like he could charm the birds from the trees, and he can. He charms you every time, tonight has proven it. 

And you fall for it. Every single stereotype. The Jock. The most popular boy in school. The boy that has a hidden softer side. Girl in love with her best friend. Oh wait, that was you. 

-------

The next day at school, Steve has been avoiding you like the plague. However, you manage to catch him at the gym. He’s playing basketball, however it looks like he’s been put on the bench for a while so you take the chance while you can. 

Sitting beside him on the bleachers. He doesn’t notice you at first, but once he does, you can see the disappointment settle in his eyes when he sees its you and not Nancy so you take a deep breath. 

“How are you feeling Stevie?” You ask and nudge him softly. The nickname leaves a bad taste in your mouth today. It doesn’t sound right. 

“Alright.” He shrugs and stares straight ahead at the game. 

“Why you been put on then bench?” 

“Hargrove.” He mutters. 

“Ah...do you wanna talk about last night?”

“No!” He replies loudly and you flinch. 

“Steve, we can’t ignore it forever. You’ve been avoiding me all day and I can’t deal with it. Just talk to me Stevie.” You force the nickname out this time and try to run your fingers through his hair, even though its kinda gross with sweat, but he pulls away. For a simple gesture, it stings like hell and you have to fight the urge to cry. 

“You just can’t help it Steve!” You shout gaining the attention of the basketball players. The game has stopped and the team are staring at the two of you. 

“What are you talking about?” He asks, running a hand over his face. 

“Are you being serious right now? You know, yesterday! At my house. Where we ki-” 

“Shhhh.” He shushed you, moving towards you quickly and glancing around the gym. Is he being serious right now? 

“Its how you were taught to love, and it’s shitty, but I still take it. You expect to keep a hoard of girls to follow you around. I always feel so lucky to hear your lines, just like the others do. But you pick us up when you and your girlfriend have a fight, and then drop us the next day when she’s sober and being nice to you again. You’re playing pretend Steve! When are you going to see that. There’s a name for boys like you-” 

“Oh yeah? And what is it!” He interrupts you and you raise an eyebrow. Before you have the chance to answer, Nancy’s voice rings through the hall and you sigh loudly.

“Steve?” She asks, a look of annoyance and confusion etched onto her face. He pulls away from you quickly and practically jogs to catch up with Nancy. They both walk out, leaving you standing alone. Again. 

“Fucking great.” You mutter before turning and walking the other way. 

In hindsight, some people would say that this was your own fault. Robin had warned you to not go there, when she caught you staring at him. The two of you had been paired up for some project when she was put in one of your advanced classes. And even though at the time you just rolled your eyes and laughed it off, your now thinking that the younger girl was onto something. 

Apparently you seem to love a nightmare, or at least you did. Actually who are you kidding, you still love him. You just can’t help it. Its gonna take more than this for you to get over him. 

-----

It’s been three days and you and Steve have avoided each other as if your life depended on it. Well, it was mainly Steve doing the avoiding but what can you do? 

You’re stood at your locker, Carol and Tommy talking about something that happened at another party you weren’t invited to, when they’re interrupted by Steve. He greets them and they make small talk for a few minutes before they start to bicker. You’ve busied yourself with your locker at this point, not wanting to be involved in any of their conversations. But when Nancy taps your shoulder you have no choice but to turn around and face them. 

“So, I heard about you and Steve.” She starts and your mouth goes dry. “About the argument you had the night of the party.” Of course. “And I want you to know that even though he would never admit it, he’s sorry. Aren’t you Stevie?” She smiles up at him and your vision blurs with tears. 

“Er, yeah.” He rubs the back oh his neck nervously. 

“Okay.” You nod your head. 

“Anyway.” He continues. “Me and Nance are back together.” He wraps an arm around her waist before pressing a kiss to the top of her head. A soft smile appears on her lips as she looks at him. The two of them start making out, meaning Tommy and Carol are shoving their tongues down each others throats before you can even say another word. Leaving you to lean against your locker awkwardly, and look anywhere but either in front of you or to your left. 

“Isn’t that great.” Nancy smiles brightly as she pulls away.  

“...yeah.” You force a smile. She seems to believe it, and the two of them start to talk to Carol and Tommy. 

And once again, you’re pushed into the background. 

part 2 part 3 part 4

[zalrb]

Loss

OK I finished it! It’s all up in this post:

“I’m not suggesting this lightly---”

             “Well, I hope not. You’re talking about messing with our best friend’s mind.”

             Caroline gave Bonnie a dejected look from across the large living room boasted by the Salvatore Boarding House. Damon, predictably, had set up camp at the bar while Matt paced in circles and Jeremy and Tyler sat on opposite sofas next to their respective girlfriends. Noticeably absent from the gathering was Elena, who was back at the Gilbert House, Googling recent animal attacks.

             “It’s for her own good, Bon,” said Matt.

             Bonnie shook her head. “We don’t get to make that decision for her. You sound like---” Bonnie stopped herself, gritting her teeth.

             “Like me,” said Damon. “She was about to say you sound like me.” He took a sip of bourbon. “It’s the most I’ve liked you, Donovan, glad to see some balls on ya.”

             “Oh shut up, Damon,” Caroline snapped. “We invited you to this meeting as a courtesy.”

             “And because you have the biggest living room,” said Tyler.

             “Well since I am here, let me just break it down for the intellectually impaired,” said Damon, moving away from the bar to the centre of the living room. “Stefan has been MIA for seven months. My research indicates he is way, way off the deep-end, he shows no signs of slowing down and oh, that’s right, he’s the personal attack dog of a thousand year old Original psychotic vampire who thinks Elena is dead! Besides one breathy late night phone call five months ago, Elena has no leads but she’s so wrapped up in the whole I-hurt-when-he-hurts-I-breathe-when-he-breathes puppies and rainbows love story she has with my annoyingly self-sacrificing brother that she keeps looking. She’s gotta let it go.”

             Jeremy sighed. “I hate to say it but he’s right.”

             Bonnie turned sharply toward him and he raised his hands in the air. “I don’t like agreeing with him but, Bonnie, it’s your senior year. Elena’s senior year. And she didn’t even show up to registration because she hijacked Damon’s trip to Kentucky. How is she supposed to graduate, go to college if she doesn’t even show up to class?”

             “She’s obsessed,” said Matt quietly.

             “So your solution is to compel her?” said Bonnie.

             “Just compel her to stop looking for Stefan and live her life, not compel her feelings away,” said Caroline quickly. “I wouldn’t do that to her or to Stefan.”

             “So that makes it better? This is her mind. Her memories. Her emotions. When did we get so okay with messing around with people’s lives like this?”

             “Kinda late to sing that tune, isn’t it Bon-Bon?” said Damon.

             Bonnie ignored him. “Jeremy, don’t you remember how angry you were when you found out that Elena took away your memory of Vicki?”

             “I didn’t understand why she did it then but seeing her like this now…” He shook his head. “I get it.”

             “But you said that it didn’t really work, you said there was a---”

             “Hole, yeah I know. But it still helped and I owe it to Elena to help her as much as I can. She’s my sister.”

             Bonnie buried her head in her hands. Caroline stood up from the couch and walked over to her, bending in front of her, holding her wrists.

             “Bonnie,” she said gently. She waited until Bonnie raised her head to look at her. “Remember when we would talk about graduating, getting out of Mystic Falls, becoming college roommates?” Caroline smiled sadly. “Elena was going to be an English major, I was going to study journalism, you --- always helping people --- said you would study pre-law?” Bonnie bit her bottom lip. “All of us have gone through so much this past year. You and I have both died. Every other week there is someone who is trying to kill us. But we can still have that dream. We can still go to college and live our best lives but Elena needs to live hers for it to happen.” She sighed. “And Stefan would want her to, you know that. He wanted her to flourish, he wanted her to be happy. We’re doing what he would want us to do.”

              “Stefan wouldn’t want us to compel her,” said Bonnie quietly.

             Caroline pushed her mouth to the side. “Maybe sometimes the ends justify the means. But we all have to be on board. All of us agree or we don’t do it.”

             Bonnie said nothing for a long time, looking from Caroline to Jeremy to Matt to Tyler, studying their expressions, their silent pleas. Imperceptibly, she gave her head a nod. Caroline closed her eyes and exhaled, standing up.

             “OK so when should I do it?” said Damon.

             “No,” said Bonnie. “Caroline has to do it.”

             Caroline looked at Bonnie, her lips parted in shock. Bonnie stood up now too and looked Caroline square in the eye.

             “If you are so sure that this is the right thing to do then you have to be the one to do it, Care. I won’t agree to it any other way.”

             Caroline swallowed hard. “OK,” she gasped. “OK. I’ll do it,” she said a bit firmer.

 Elena picked up her mug to take another sip of coffee only to realize that she’d finished it. It had been her fourth cup and if she had one more, she would try to jump out of her own skin. 

She’d been up all night, scouring the internet for animal attacks all over the U.S., calling Sherriff Forbes for leads. It was hard to track Stefan when Jeremy and the others had made it virtually impossible for her to leave Mystic Falls to actually go where her research led.  Bonnie wasn’t strong enough to do an Isolation Spell on the entire town but she was getting close. 

There were still a few ways she could try to get out of town and today she was going to exhaust all her options.

             She didn’t blame them. Not really. Elena knew what she must look like to the people around her --- obsessed, unhinged, stuck. It was difficult to explain that she had to continue searching for Stefan because she had to find him. To stop would be to give up and to give up would mean to live a life without Stefan in it and she knew she could do that, she knew her world didn’t begin and end with him, he’d been instrumental in showing her the importance of living rather than simply existing, thriving instead of merely surviving, but a life without Stefan in it wasn’t her life, not really, not since they’d met in the school hallway. 

If she never found him, she could go on but she’d never be able to move on, any and every happy moment would be tinged with grief and that would be her life: perpetually incomplete. Like life after her parents and before him.

             There was a knock at her door and when she turned around, she saw Caroline in the entryway, Bonnie a little behind her with her arms crossed.

             “Hi,” said Caroline gently.

             “Hi,” said Elena.

             The memory of their last conversation, argument really, echoed in the silence between them.

             “I didn’t come here to fight,” said Caroline, stepping into the room. “I’m sorry about how our last … talk went. I know you think I don’t understand why you’re so intent on finding him but I do. I get it.”

             Elena nodded. “Thanks.” She looked past Caroline to Bonnie who was quietly chewing her bottom lip.

             “Hey, Bon.”  

             Bonnie smiled in response but said nothing.

             Caroline cleared her throat, taking another step into the room. “Elena, I---” She looked at the duffle bag on Elena’s bed. “Why are you packed?”

             “Going to New Orleans,” said Elena, standing up from her desk and closing her laptop. “Frequent animals attacks in odd places, abnormally high, drained blood. I booked a ticket and my flight leaves in a few hours.”

             “What about midterms?” said Bonnie. She stepped forward now.

             “I’ll just make them up when I get back, I guess,” said Elena, shrugging as she gathered all the information she collected in the past few days.

             “Elena, it’s the midterm! You can’t miss all of them.”

             “Bonnie, honestly, school is the last thing on my mind right now.”

             “Wait, how did you get this information?” said Caroline. “Damon?”

             “No, your mom,” said Elena.

             Caroline closed her eyes and sighed. “I told her to stop feeding you information.”

             “She’s helping me.” Elena opened the duffle bag and put the laptop in it. “The only one who’s helping me,” said Elena.

             “It’s false hope,” said Caroline delicately.

             Elena’s eyes flashed. “You know, Caroline, I thought you above all people would be on board with me trying to get Stefan back,” said Elena. “Stefan has been there for you when no one else has.”

             Caroline furrowed her eyebrows, hurt. “You think I don’t know that?”

             Elena shrugged. “Well you’re definitely acting like you don’t.”

             “I’m doing what Stefan would’ve wanted, Elena,” said Caroline.

             “You don’t know what he would’ve wanted.”

             “I know how much he loved you.”

 “Loves,” Elena corrected harshly.

             “Right, loves,” said Caroline, nodding. “And the way he loves you, he wouldn’t want this for you, he’d want you to move on.”

             “He wouldn’t have wanted me to give up!”

             “You are giving up, you’re giving up on your life and that’s doing everything Stefan stood against,” said Caroline. “You can’t tell me that that isn’t true.”

             “And this is how I know you don’t understand why I’m looking for him,” said Elena. “I’m not giving up on my life, Caroline, I’m trying to get it back on track! And for that I need Stefan back.”

             Elena picked up her duffle bag, passing Caroline to get to the door but felt a tug on the strap. She turned around, Caroline was holding onto the other handle, her expression sad but determined.

             “What are you doing?”

             Caroline pressed her lips together. “I love you,” she said. “You’re my best friend and I won’t let you just let you waste your life away.”

             Elena sighed, frustrated. “I’m not wasting ---” then she tilted her head, confused. “What do you mean you won’t ‘let’ me?”

             Caroline didn’t say anything but didn’t break her eye contact with Elena.  After a few seconds, realization dawned and horror struck Elena. “Caroline…” She shook her head, mouthing wordlessly. Elena appealed to a teary-eyed Bonnie. “Bonnie?”

             “I’m sorry, Elena,” she said. “But it’s for the best.”

             Elena tugged uselessly, desperately on her bag. “No, you can’t!” she yelled. “You can’t compel me to forget him!”

             “I’m not, I’m not,” Caroline assured. “Elena, I would never do that to you. But you can’t keep on like this!”

             “He’s out there, Caroline, waiting for me! He called me---”

             “You don’t even know if it was him!”

             “IT WAS HIM! And I told him to hold on, I told him hold on to how much I love him and you’re going to make me a liar if you do this to him, if you do this to me!”

             Bonnie spoke. “Elena, it was five months ago---”    

             “So what? Why does the time matter? When Jeremy died, you went to the witches to bring him back, are you telling me if it took longer than it did you would’ve given up?”  

             “Damon will find him,” said Caroline.

             “And I should be there when he does!”

             Elena let go of her duffle bag and rushed toward the door only to be blocked by Jeremy, a pained expression on his face. Her lips parted in shock.

             “I just want you to have peace of mind, Elena,” he said. “I can’t stand back and watch you watch your life pass you by.”

             She opened her mouth to argue when Matt appeared and Elena felt another wave of betrayal break over her body. “This is the best thing for you,” she said.

             Elena backed away, her eyes brimming with tears.

             “If this were me, you know you’d do the same thing,” said Jeremy softly. “Because you did. You wanted to help me. And I just want to do the same.”

             Caroline touched Elena’s shoulder, guiding her body so Elena could turn around and face her. She put her hands on either side of Elena’s head. “Look at me,” she said softly. “Look at me, it’s going to be OK. You’re going to be OK.”

             Elena sniffled as Caroline focused, her eyes dilating. “You’ve looked for Stefan for six months, you’ve put everything on hold, you’ve shaken every tree, turned over every rock, you’ve searched for him with everything you have and you’ve come up empty.”

             Caroline smiled and stroked Elena’s hair. “You can stop now, you can rest. You know Stefan would’ve wanted you to move on with your life, that he would’ve wanted you to find peace and you’re beginning to because you know you’ve done everything you could. You still love him, you will always love him, never forget him but he’s gone. And … … he might not come back. But it’s OK. You did your best and you know that he loves you just as much as you love him.”

             A tear dropped down Bonnie’s cheek. “This is wrong.”

             “She’ll never know,” said Jeremy.

             “I hope not.” Bonnie sighed. “Let’s just all hope that she forgives us if she ever does find out what we did.”

 It was the second Senior Prank Night of the year. As per tradition, the juniors got their vengeance on their upperclassmen around homecoming and the seniors retaliated before the holiday break. Elena joined Matt, Caroline, Tyler and Bonnie in sneaking into the school and did her part in crazy-stringing lockers, booby-trapping washrooms and spray-painting walls. She had no joy in it though. She knew she should, she could feel her mind urging her to have fun but all she could do was imitate the feeling for the sake of the people around her. It had been a little over a month since she’d stopped looking for Stefan and it was fine. She was fine. She’d done all she could and it was time to let it go, time to move on, she knew that and yet she couldn’t bring herself to actually feel that.  

She still called Damon every week to see if he had any leads. Most times he didn’t pick up, which angered her but she did nothing to force him to talk to her. Because she was done. She loved Stefan but she was done. She had a life to live. And she was living it. As best as she could anyway. Her nights were spent looking out her bedroom window, sometimes she’d cry and sometimes she’d just simmer in her melancholy.

She wasn’t right.

She didn’t know why, but she wasn’t right, she was sad and she was frustrated. With herself. With her friends. With life. It was inexplicable, incomprehensible. Stefan being gone hurt in a way that made sense to her --- everything got her hopes up: if she heard or felt a swish of wind, she hoped it was him speeding up to her. A creak in the house made her wonder if he was coming up the stairs. In class she wondered if he’d just show up and sit next to her, smile the way he always did before opening his notebook. And each time he didn’t show up her heart ached and she could explain that. But she did all she could to bring him back, she did her best --- and it was that. That thinking. It was like an intrusion in her mind, in her heart … it didn’t feel like it belonged to her but she didn’t feel any kind of urgency to refute the thinking, and it was maddening.  

Outside of her room, she kept up appearances, played pool in the Grill with Bonnie and Matt, Tyler and Caroline, went to the Timberwolves games, did homework sleepovers, all with a smile on her face because everyone expected her to be happy

a passing frown or an eyebrow furrow was met with intense observation from the rest of the group and they seemed collectively relieved when Elena smiled again. They wanted her to be … better. And so she was. Better. Out there anyway. But at the window, she could feel whatever she was feeling even if it didn’t really make sense to her.

             Elena spray painted unintelligible scribbles on the bathroom mirrors when Bonnie walked up to her.

             “Hey,” she said.

             “Hi,” said Elena, happily surprised.  Things had been awkward between them for a few weeks now. Like many things lately, Elena wasn’t quite sure what had happened to put a distance between her and Bonnie but for the past month it was as if Bonnie was afraid of being alone with her and even when they all hung out as a group, Bonnie barely said more than a few words to her.

             “You seem to be having fun tonight.”

             “Oh yeah,” said Elena, shaking the spray can. “This is, um, this is great.” She nodded her head reassuringly. “Having a blast.”

             “Really?” said Bonnie, tilting her head. “You’re really fine, Elena?”

             Elena furrowed her eyebrows slightly, searching her best friend’s face. 

She opened her mouth to speak when Caroline came in.

             “I swear to God it’s like I have to do everything myself. What’s the point of boobytrapping Mr. Clarkson’s office with a bucket of water balloons if you can’t even get the bucket to stay on the door until the morning?”

             She stopped when she saw Bonnie and Elena staring at each other. “OK what did I miss?”

             Elena shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. She couldn’t tell Bonnie anything anyway, it would ruin everything. “I’m just going to get more crazy string from the car.”

             “’Kay,” said Caroline. “Meet me and Bonnie in the gym.”

             “Got it.”

             She waited for Bonnie and Caroline to leave the bathroom, giving herself a moment with the reality of her feelings before walking out into the hall. She pushed open the double doors and bumped into something solid.

             “You’re supposed to be dead. What are we going to do about that?”

             “Klaus,” she gasped.

  Stefan woke up, a dull ache in his neck. He was momentarily wrongfooted, staring at the ceiling of a truck, until he remembered that Klaus and Rebekah had taken him back to Virginia. To Mystical Falls. To Elena. No. She’d stayed away. She hadn’t tried to find him. He hadn’t called her since his moment of weakness six months ago and every time Damon seemed to be closing in on their trail, she wasn’t with him. She’d moved on. There was no reason for him being back!

             “Oh, he lives,” came Rebekah’s sardonic voice.

             “What happened?” said Stefan, sitting up.

             “You took a beating,” said Rebekah, bored. “My brother’s been breaking your neck all afternoon. Quite the temper.”

             Stefan started to stand. “Why did he bring us back to Mystic Falls?”

             He can’t know. He can’t know she’s alive, he can’t. Elena had let go dammit!

             Rebekah rolled her eyes. “You can stop playing dumb now. It didn’t take him long to figure out what you’ve been hiding.”

             Stefan tried to control his panic. “I’m not hiding anything. I’ve done everything Klaus has asked me to.”

             “No, you just failed to mention that the doppelganger’s still alive.”

             The panic seized Stefan’s heart, his bones. Stefan felt himself begin to tremble with adrenaline. “Where is Klaus now?”

             “With any luck, ripping that cow’s bloody head off.”

             In an instant, Stefan rushed at Rebekah, forcing her out of the truck and slammed into the pavement. He grabbed her by the shirt. “WHERE IS SHE?”

             Rebekah smiled viciously. “You really do love her, don’t you?”

             Before Stefan could react, Rebekah sped upward and pushed him against the truck, punching him in the face. She picked up a crowbar, putting its hook behind Stefan’s neck and pulling him toward her so he could see her devious delight.

             “Consider me jealous,” she said, and she drove the crowbar through his stomach.

Elena was terrified. Confused. Her mind a whirl as Klaus clasped onto her arm and marched her through the hallways toward the gym. Where Caroline and Bonnie were. She couldn’t bear to lose them too. She tried to resist and pull away in the other direction.

             “If you’re going to kill me, just do it!”

             Klaus shook his head, laughing. “Not until I know I’m right about the hybrids. But I do have ways of making you suffer.”

They made it to the gym where Caroline and Bonnie are setting up pranks with the basketball nets. Elena’s eyes widened.

           “Caroline---”

           She couldn’t get the word ‘run’ out before Caroline took Bonnie by the hand and tried to rush toward the exit only to be stopped by Klaus.

           “Tsk tsk, now we’re not going to have any of that. Any funny business and I’ll compel you to tear the witch’s heart out of her chest, do you understand?”

           Elena shook her head frantically. “No, don’t!” she yelled.

           “I don’t believe I was talking to you,” said Klaus to Elena while staring at Caroline. He raised his eyebrows.

           “I understand,” said Caroline, through gritted teeth.

           “Excellent!”

           “Why are you even doing this?” said Elena. “They don’t have anything to do with what’s going on!”

           “On the contrary, they’re here to make sure you behave,” said Klaus. “Although I have other reinforcements to ensure such obedience.”

           “Other rein---”

And then he came in. Stefan. In the flesh. Elena saw him enter the gym and something inside of her shattered. She clutched her chest and started to cry, sinking to the floor, clutching her head as she heaved. 

He wasn’t gone. He was here. Alive. Overwhelming happiness was met with extraordinary shame. Relief clashed with guilt. She wanted to run to him, go to him, touch him and feel him being there, feel him being real, crush him against her body, bury her face in her neck and she wanted, with equal intensity, to run away in embarrassment, not embarrassment, disgrace. She didn’t know how or why but she knew in her bones that she felt like she’d failed him utterly and more than that failed herself because she hadn’t loved him the way she’d known how to, the way he’d loved her. And it was killing her.  

“This wasn’t the reunion you were hoping for, I’m sure, Stefan,” said Klaus. He regarded Elena, mildly intrigued.

Stefan’s mouth twitched as he fought the impulse to hold Elena, embrace her in a way that kept her in place, kept her together, but his expression remained impassive.

“Elena means nothing to me anymore. I don’t care what her reaction is to seeing me.”

“You’re not as good a liar as you think you are, I’m afraid,” said Klaus. “Even I find myself somewhat chilled by her response to your presence. It’s oddly … primordial.”

Bonnie looked at Elena, horrified, and then turned to Caroline. “What’s happening?” she said urgently. “Why is she acting like this?”

             Caroline shook her head.  “I don’t know, I – I made sure, I –”

             Klaus clapped his hands together and laughed delightfully. “Oh, now I understand,” he said. He looked to Caroline. “You compelled her.”

             At this, Elena’s sobs quietened even though she still gasped to breathe. She turned her shuddering body toward Caroline.          

             “W-w-hat d-do you mean?” she gulped.

             Caroline shook her head. “Elena…”

             “You’re new at it,” said Klaus. “So you don’t understand the loopholes. You have to be very specific with compulsion when it comes to erasing emotions and not just things that happen, you know. What did you say?”

             Caroline opened her mouth but didn’t answer, her eyes on Elena’s face. “I’m sorry,” she mouthed.

             “Come on, love, don’t be shy, share with the rest of the class.”

             Caroline sighed, closing her eyes.

             Bonnie spoke up. “She told Elena she knew she did her best to find Stefan and that it was time to move on.”

             The words were like a punch to the gut for Elena, winding her, putting pieces of her mind, her emotions in place while bringing forth new, fiercer, baser feelings of betrayal and anger and profound sorrow.

             “Ah you see that’s what it is,” said Klaus. “You put her at war with herself, she just doesn’t know why. I bet all this time, she’s been inexplicably sad.”

             Finally, Caroline spoke. “What do you mean?”

             “Well you should’ve simply told her that she tried her best to find Stefan but you told her she knew she did when deep down, she must’ve known that wasn’t true. You couldn’t trick her into believing something she fundamentally didn’t believe when the wording indicates it’s her responsibility to believe it.”

             Klaus looked at Stefan, marvelling at the conflict passing over his face, at the relief that the woman he loved more than life itself, the woman he believed loved him with such intense earnestness hadn’t, in fact let him go, and at the gut-wrenching regret that because she hadn’t let him go, she was in danger and would remain in danger.

“They’re quite romantic, you know,” said Klaus. I bet that the hope of finding Stefan alive was what kept Elena going all those months she searched for us. 

And you took that away from her. You’ve tortured them in a far more involved way than even I could devise, Caroline, kudos.”

“It wasn’t just Caroline, it was all of us,” said Bonnie quietly.

“All of us?” said Elena, her eyes blazing with an unfamiliar rage.

Bonnie bit her lip. “Me, Care, Jeremy, Matt, Tyler, Damon … we all had to agree, Elena, I am so sorry.”

“We didn’t mean to torture---”

             “But you did,” she whispered. “You did and look at where we are.”

[arcticdementor]

Veteran NRx blogger AntiDem has been beating the drum for his message of escaping the cities while we still can on Gab (basically a right-wing Twitter clone). A small sample:

Stop comparing getting "canceled" by the Twitter mob to the gulag, you fags.

You have a way out. People in the gulag didn't.

Leave the big cities. Move to a small town in a red state. Work a blue collar job or open your own business. Now the Twitter mob has no power over you.

If you don't want to do that because you want a cushy, well-paid office job more than you want freedom, then I have no sympathy for you.

Blue collar bosses don't give a shit about the Twitter mob. If some SJW from Portland calls Gary's Auto Body in Guthrie, Oklahoma to tell them they've got a racist working for them, they'll get told to fuck off and hung up on.

Work for Gary, and you're safe.

Look, I'm not a huge fan of Atlas Shrugged, but there were a few points in it that were really good. One involved Hugh Akston, who works as a cook at a diner, but used to be a university professor before he got canceled for wrongthink. He works his blue collar job because he can't be canceled from it, and still gives out wisdom to those who ask. Unless you're willing to do the same, and insist on staying married to your cubicle job, you're a LARPer.

And on his blog:

And so, dear reader, I challenge you: It is time for you – for us all – to do something. Perhaps you can save the world. If so, I hope you do. But if you can just save the people around you by becoming a contributing member of a sane, stable, shock-resistant, and sustainable community, then you will have done a great service. Here is where I believe you should start.

The first thing you should do is to get out of the big cities, which history shows us are deathtraps in times of disruption. Here, a lot of ignoring of fools will be necessary on your part. First, you’ll have to ignore the leftist press and academia, which is already trying to gaslight the public into thinking that the coronavirus pandemic is a particular problem of the rural south instead of the big coastal cities like New York, a bit of ludicrous wishful thinking that a moment’s glance at actual data disproves. Second, you’ll have to ignore the fools who will try to convince you that big cities are the safest places to be in times of disruption, based largely on some 20th century examples of tyrannical regimes disarming the peasants and then taking the fruits of their labor by force in order to feed the cities. There are a few key fallacies involved in this thinking.

First and perhaps most obvious is the fact that in the United States (as opposed to Cold War-era communist states), the countryside is armed to the teeth and the cities are not. The late 20th and early 21st centuries provide no lack of examples of what happens when a traditional 2nd Generation army sets itself up in a nation’s big cities and tries to impose its rule on an armed and hostile countryside; as you are not fools, I need not tell you what the results of that have been. Second is the fact that the big cities are run by elites who hate you and want you dead, so turning to them for protection is plain suicide. Perhaps in a different era – say, in the East Germany of 1967 – you could have survived by keeping your head low and pretending to go along with the official ruling ideology. But we do not live in that age anymore – your skin is your uniform, and when trouble comes to the diverse big cities you will be targeted mercilessly for wearing it...

There’s a reason why smart elites in functional societies (as opposed to what we have now) have always kept country estates they could retreat to when chaos and disruption reared their heads. Heed their wisdom.

If any of you think I’m directing scorn at the mainstream media for their counterfactual attempts to convince people that the cities are safer than the countryside, I say: on the contrary, I welcome it. The more fools there are who stay in the cities believing that they’ll be protected from the effects of disruption, the better things will be for the non-fools who know better. When trouble comes, we’ll have enough of our own to care for without being saddled with saving big-city fools from the entirely predictable consequences of their own poor decisions. Let them stay where they are. And while I’m giving out counterintuitive thanks, I’d like to offer some to all of the Social Justice Warriors who have worked tirelessly to throw the Dissident Right off of social media, to get them fired from their urban cubicle jobs, and to render them unemployable anywhere except in the rural sections of deep red states. I know that for those who fear being “hurled into the void”, as the Zman puts it, this seems like the worst fate imaginable. But nothing could be further from the truth. What we on the Dissident Right need to do now more than anything else is to disconnect from the corporate and consumerist, to stop spending too much time on the internet, to get out of the diverse, polluted, crime-ridden, disease-prone, and degenerate big cities, and to start making things real in genuine communities full of people like us.

I moved out of the big cities a couple of years ago, and I can tell you from firsthand experience: It’s pretty comfy out here in the void. So come home, white man. Get out of the cities as soon as you can. Take a massive pay cut if you have to. Change careers if you have to. Stock shelves on the night shift at Walmart if you have to. But get yourselves and the people you love out of the cities before it’s too late – if it isn’t already.

(Yes, I understand the desire to stay in the cities. I lived in Silicon Valley for 25 years. I loved it dearly, and I desperately miss the old Valley of the 90s and 00s. But that world is gone, and it’s never coming back; we tread that path but once. And if nothing else, I can’t imagine trying to get through this crisis in my tiny old city apartment instead of my cottage with its yard out back and a hayfield out front.)

Which is all well and good, but I think he has forgotten one thing, and it is the most important thing of all: women.

Women are hypgermous; they marry up, not down. And no woman is going to marry a man who stocks shelves at Walmart on the night shift. Even if you can get a decent blue-collar job at Gary's, she is just going to divorce you eventually, as Nabil ad Dajjal explains:

I don’t know much about factory work but my dad was an HVAC mechanic for most of his working life and as much as I respect him I wouldn’t ever consider doing the same.

Skilled tradesmen like plumbers, carpenters, electricians, HVAC, etc can make solid money even without advanced degrees. In theory, you could support a family on that income. In practice, all that money you earn will go straight to alimony and child support since even a woman who dropped out of college herself will look down on you for doing manual labor and eventually divorce you. A college degree and an office job might pay less but it’s less embarrassing for your wife to tell to her girlfriends and in our family court system that counts for a lot.

Assuming that you can find a loyal wife, there’s another problem in the form of career advancement or the lack thereof. It doesn’t seem like there’s much room to climb the ladder: you can gain seniority within your job but it doesn’t seem like many tradesmen make it into management.

And:

Nobody has told you that, at least not that I’ve seen.

Blue collar guys get laid and most of them get married too. The difficult part for them is in staying married. Obviously divorce isn’t a certainty but you’re taking a substantially increased risk.

Money without social cachet isn’t much of a defense, as between alimony and child support most of that money would go to the ex-wife anyway along with the primary residence and car. Every marriage has ups and downs but with no fault divorce those downs can easily end up destroying your family and wiping you out financially. When accounted for properly, that’s a pretty substantial cost.

Now, AntiDem has pretty much gone full MGTOW after a series of disastrous experiences with women, so I guess he doesn't mind. And, believe me, I totally understand where he's coming from (especially with this, which is exactly what happened to me). But as long as there is a filial duty to reproduce in order to repay the debt to one's ancestors and carry on one's family name and bloodline, as well as a biological imperative to pass on one's genes and avoid becoming an evolutionary failure, on top of the cultural argument for having children ("the future belongs to those that show up"), we have a problem.

What, then, is to be done?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #265

“all is fair in love and war, i’m still rotten to the core.”

What's the latest youtube channel you've discovered and binge-watched? Ha, a WoW channel that basically gives advice and tutorials on stuff. She doesn't have many videos, but she's pretty successful already and chill as hell. Kraken Latte. Does it snow where you live? Occasionally. Very rarely does the snow stick, though, because the ground will be too warm. Do you think your hair looks better long or short? Short. Do you look best with or without bangs? Bitch I loved my emo bangs fuck off. Well, they weren't technically bangs, my hair was just parted far to the left. Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? Well, my phone doesn't have GREAT camera quality, but I usually do some subtle edits if I take a pic on it. What's your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Which season do you wish would last longer? Shit man, fall. At least here, the phase of colorful leaves is VERY short. Goes from green to totally bare in what feels like just a couple weeks. How many outdoor birthday parties have you had? Hell if I know. How much taller or shorter are you than your mom? We're the same height. Who is your favorite sibling? Lol wow that's mean. Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah. Do you like sushi? I've actually never tried it, but I'm quite certain I wouldn't like it. Have you ever tried seaweed? Actually yes, I believe in the 4th grade? We had I think authentic Japanese (or Chinese, idr) food, and I recall there being seaweed. I didn't like it. The only thing I liked was the white rice, I think. Do you have an actual pig-shaped piggy bank? No, but I think I may have as a kiddo. Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? No. Have you ever been to a gynecologist? I actually haven't because I've always said I wasn't sexually active (back then it wasn't a conscious lie, I just genuinely didn't realize what we were doing was just shallow sex). I'm absolutely terrified to go anyway because I'm just very very very private about this sort of thing and honestly think I'll have a panic attack when I do have to for the first time anyway. Name three games that you are good at. Shadow of the Colossus, Silent Hill, World of Warcraft. What was your favorite board game as a kid? Ha ha, somehow, it was this shopping game called "Mall Madness." Veeeery unfitting of who I was and what I enjoyed as a kid. Do you get on Facebook every day? Pretty much. Did you watch the Kids Choice Awards when you were a kid? No. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Spice Girls, I think. Do you have memories that still make you cry? Yes. Have you made your own mask to help prevent the spread of the virus? No, considering I don't leave the damn house like ever. Do you know anyone who has the virus? Yes. Not personally, but distantly. Are you proud to be an American? (if applicable) Sometimes. What countries have you visited? I haven't left America. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No. How many true heartbreaks have you had in your lifetime? Romantically, I only consider one to be a *real* heartbreak. Have you ever cut yourself? Yeah. Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? BOY DO I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was your first kiss romantic? Yes. Do you miss any of your exes right now? My PTSD has been awful awful AWFUL the past few days, so yes. A lot. Have you ever overdosed on anything? Yes. What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her of course, but I'd also be very confused. She's made it clear she doesn't believe a relationship is the best idea for her right now. Who was your date to prom? Jason took me to his senior prom, and I took him to mine. Do you still talk to your first love? No, I haven't spoken to him in over three years now. Wow. Whose wedding did you go to first? I don't remember. I'm sure it wasn't the first, but ONE of the earliest that I do remember was when my friend Summer's mom got remarried. He sadly passed away a long while ago though. Are you ashamed of anyone you've dated in the past? Tyler, yes. It was so pointless and a "let's see how this goes" versus a "I really like this guy and really want this relationship" thing. I honestly think I only said yes to dating because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I was lonely. What about anyone you've been friends with? There were certainly times it felt very weird calling Colleen my best friend with how bitchy she could be. Especially when you consider how non-confrontational I am, while she charged like a goddamn bull into arguments. Have you ever made out with someone in a pool? Uhhh I think that one night when I lived at the apartment and it was just us out there late at night. He and I went back inside before Jacob and Amanda TO hardcore make out because we both way too obviously wanted it so I wouldn't be remotely surprised if we snuck in some action at the pool oof. Who’s the last person that slept over your house? Sara. Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever kissed someone with a tongue ring? No, I was the person with the tongue ring. I actually took it out a little while back because I was tired of accidentally chomping down on it when eating and chipping teeth. I'd already told myself if I did it one more time I would, and especially right now, we can't afford to keep filling cavities that have come from it. I don't at all regret getting it and it'll always be one of the cutest piercings I think I've ever had, but it was just time for it to come out. Is it hard for you to get over a lover? I THINK I'VE MADE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! O BVIO US S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever tried making someone jealous? Not to my recollection. Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? Both of us really, but she initiated the breakup, you could say. Who is the last person you flirted with? Sara. Who's the most racist person you know? Jesus Christ, I live in the South. I know dozens of racists. I guess the worst is uhhh OH the aforementioned Colleen, holy fucking shit. I highly highly highly doubt that has changed at all since we last associated with each other. If you could be a film character, who would you be? Let me be Alice Liddell. Crunchy peanut butter or smooth? Smooth is the only way to go with pb. Would you rather always be in a crowd, or be the only person on earth? "Always be in a crowd. It wouldn’t be fun, but I think it’d be better than being that alone." <<<< This. I legitimately think I'd wind up killing myself in the other case. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Why? "Rich, because...what’s the point of being famous if you’re not rich? Just everyone knowing all of your business?" <<<< Also this. Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom? "I start off from the top until it gets used enough that I have to squeeze up from the bottom." <<<< Lemme just steal all this person's answers lmao. How many children do you want? Girls or boys? None, but if I was to have kids, I'd definitely want a girl. Is there a story behind your name? What is it? No. What was one of the most fun things you and your college roommate did together? I didn't have a college roommate. Well wait no, during my first college attempt is when I lived w/ Jason, Jacob, and Amanda. I'd honestly prefer to not think too hard back on it to answer this. Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? I don't even have a bank account. Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? Yeah, multiple. Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? Pads or tampons, nah. I'd feel awkward buying condoms though. Are your parents gullible? Dad probably is; he has very little common sense. I got it from him lmao. Mom, heeeeell no. Do you still own a VCR? No. What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? It's black. No. Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? All three do. Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? Younger. Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Yeah. How often do you drink Monster? Never, because I don't like it. Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? HAHA I was a cringy teen once, my friends. Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? Inside. I feel safer. Do you own a nightgown? No, I haven't worn those since I was a kid. Have you ever worn fishnets? Fishnet gloves. I WISH I could pull off fishnet pants. Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? In times like THESE???????? Bitch I wanna go eat out at a yummy restaurant. Do you always wear your seat belt? ABSOLUTELY. I get so stressed out when I see people not wearing one. Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Not much older. Have you ever been in a play? Just school ones as a kid. Is there ice cream in your freezer? No, but there's popsicles from when I couldn't get my tongue ring out and it was massively swollen and in terrible pain. Thank God I finally got it out. Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? Probably. Does your bathroom have a window? Yeah, but it's very small and up kinda high. Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? I used to, but I don't anymore. I just leave them be. Do you believe prayer really works? Nope. Have you been on a date in the park? No. Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? A whole. Fucking. Lot. To just name a few, depression, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, diabetes... Do you have asthma? No. Last person to take off your pants, besides you? Jason. Least favorite alcoholic drink? Mother of God, this white wine I tried at Colleen's forever ago. It was fucking repulsive. How did you meet the last male you texted? I mean I literally came from his balls so like Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Ha ha yeah, the one I've always had. It's not very adult-ish or "serious"-sounding, but I don't want to change it now. Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Left. I squeeze with my right. Do you have a bull ring through your nose? No, I don't feel that would look good on me. Do you and your dad get along? Yes. When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? My last year of art in high school. I made an anatomical heart for Jason. I wonder a lot if he still has it after how much work I put into it. Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? I adore art. The world would be so much more boring without it. If you had to choose would you prefer dull pain for 12hours or sharp for 2? Ew, dull. Two hours with sharp pain sounds awful. Do you know the words to the national anthem of your country? Yeah. Would you rather be a Model, Famous Scientist, Singer or Chef? Scientist, probably. I'd love to be a biologist anyway, and that's a type of scientist. Would you rather be a pilot, crime scene investigator or estate agent? Ohhh, crime scene investigator. Does making others happy really make you feel happy? Yes! Did you ever swear at a teacher in school? Why? No. Have you ever pricked your finger on Holly or another ‘sharp’ plant? Yeah. Have you ever written your own short story? Yes. What about a novel? Or perhaps you started and couldn’t finish? "I started writing several novels, but abandoned them all." <<<< Same yo. Either of the above, if this was the case, place short synopsis here: The first one was about a very close meerkat family, divided into elemental "breeds," and the prince falling in love with another of his kind. His father had a stray brother who constantly aimed to destroy the family, but he was converted towards the end. That's all I can really remember about that one. There were others like two species of animals I made also falling in love, despite being predators and prey of each other, and fulfilling some sorta prophecy with their offspring. The other two I recall- yo fuck it I keep remember more and more okay I wrote a LOT. Do you prefer SciFi/Fantasy/Action/Horror or Rom/Com/RealLife? I'm guessing you mean in books, given the last three questions? I have a strong preference for fantasy. What do you have a lot of faith in [note: can be anything]? Hell if I know. Would you rather have a big house, a lot of kids or a high flying job? High flying job, easily. I don't want kids, nor do I need a large house, especially considering I hate cleaning even this tiny one. Have you ever been to a creepy/haunted/abandoned place? Yeah. What did it look like and what were the circumstances? It was this really old, mostly dilapidated shack full of cool stuff. It was by the field near our old house. Me, my sister, and our friend hung out there and explored all the time until this freaky woman showed out and told us we shouldn't be there. Do you know a Jack? What’s he like? Yeah. I don't him that well though, so idk. How about a Lisa? What’s she like? Yeah, she's one of my WoW friends that I've become really close with. She is an absolute sweetheart, but talks about herself way, way too excessively to the point it's hard to have a conversation sometimes. I know she doesn't realize it, though. When you have children, would you like twins? I say enough that I don't even want kids, SO FUCK NO. Do you know any twins? If so, what are they called? Yes. Tyler and Taylor. I know others, but idr their names. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? We're stubborn as all fuck hell. Do you have any nicknames that aren’t derived from your actual name? Yeah, some online ones and then my mom has called me "Twinkie" since I was a baby. Do you have any allergies? Yeah, of pollen and silver. What is the longest your hair has ever been? To or maybe even past the small of my back. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not my jam. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it? I really don't kn- oh yes I do. I have these oooold old thin and sewn-back-up-fifty-times Batman pj pants from when Jason and I were together, so maybe like... seven years? Thanks PTSD, I'm attached to them because Batman was his thing. How often do you eat out at a fancy restaurant? Just about never. Nutella or peanut butter? UGGGGGHHHHH I've been on a nutella thing lately. Have you ever hosted a wild party? Definitely not. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it? Wings of Fire: The Lost Heir by Tui Sutherland. Yes, it was very good. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang with? Besides my immediate family, like... none anymore. Have you ever donated blood? Yes. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays? This is hard to gauge. I've never seriously done it myself, and I don't really have the motivation to do it just to take it all down a month or so later. I love it in concept, but yeah. Favorite animated Disney character? Probably Kiara from TLK2. Have you ever cooked a big family meal by yourself? Ha, no. Favorite winter activity? TAKING PICTURES IN THE SNOOOOOOOOW. Do you consider rapping singing? I mean I guess? Does your home have a fireplace? No. Do you listen to any religious music? No. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite? Ugh... soda is my weakness. I'd probably lose weight easier if I just stopped drinking it. Mountain Dew Voltage is my favorite, and I've also been on a serious strawberry Sunkist thing lately. How easily do you cry? I cry very, very easily. Can you handle spicy foods? What is your spice limit? Oh yeah. The only way I know how to gauge this one is that I enjoy the "hot" sauce at BWW lol. I've actually kinda cut back on HOW much I enjoy it, though; like I'm more into enjoying my food thoroughly lately than the adrenaline of spicy food. What day of the week is laundry day for you? I personally don't do the laundry because Mom prefers to just do ours together, so. It varies, I think. Have you ever played spin the bottle? No. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer? If so, what are they of? Not on mine, but the one I currently have to use has tooons. I don't feel like looking at the lid trying to list what they are tho. How often do you say "y'all?" It's pretty much in my normal vernacular due to where I live. Do you believe in evolution? Yes. I have questions and curiosities about it, but when you consider how truly short it has been since considerable natural selection has been observed, why couldn't it exist on a bigger scale? Do you live in an apartment or a house? I live in a house. How long have you been at your current job? I'm unemployed. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship? Yes. Phrase you say the most? Probably "oof" lmao. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it? Yes and yes. Have you ever given anyone CPR? No. Have you ever learned to do anything from a how-to video on YouTube? Yes, mainly just editing stuff. Have you ever auditioned for a reality competition show? No. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show? No. I've been at hockey games with Dad, but I don't consider those "TV shows." Have you ever given money to a street performer? I've never even seen one. Do you own any homemade clothing? Not that I know of. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market? Yeah, decorations 'n trinkets and stuff. I love flea markets. Have you ever quit a job? Yes. Are your birth parents together? No. Do you or have you ever worn glasses? I've worn glasses for years now. Have you ever been broken up with? AKA died in spirit? :^) Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank? Not to my recolleciton. Favorite fandom? Y'all been known, the Markiplier fandom is a goddamn family. Can you surf? No. What motivates you to do well in life? The knowledge that I've most likely only got one life to make something of. How lucky do you consider yourself? I mean, ALL things considered, I'd say I'm at just below the baseline, maybe? I mean I could be homeless or dying of malaria or something. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? No. Favorite summer activity? Swimming! Have you ever lived on a farm? No. I wanted to for years as a little kid, though. How often do you get mad at yourself? I've lately been in an almost constant state of anger regarding myself, honestly. Have you ever gotten any stitches? Yes. Favorite YouTube channel? The Marker Plier guy. Do you have a pool at your house? No. Last thing that made you laugh? Something on Game Grumps. Earbud or earmuff headphones? Earbuds. Earmuffs hurt my head and ears. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman? Yes. Have you ever gotten a New Year’s kiss exactly at midnight? I don't think so. Have you ever voted for a reality competition show? The only time I did that I remember is when Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. won America's Got Talent. I adored him and voted like mad. Does anyone in your family currently serve in your country’s military? Ummm maybe distantly? I don't know anyone off the top of my head. Are you comfortable with watching rated R movies? Well yeah.

[trex98dreams]

Chapter 2: Happy

Flashback.

20 years ago.

Brooklyn, 2021.

I run as fast as I could. Hiding, waiting for them to kill me. I was sweating bullets as I knew they're getting closer and closer to me. I heard their footsteps getting nearer to my hiding spot. I'm ready with my gun, when suddenly,

I was shot.

"Oh come on! Seriously! Spare me some lives, you guys have won plenty! Let me win for once!" I yelled making them laugh at me.

"Who told you laser tag have mercy, hahahha!" Jackson laugh at me. Seriously this guy, why does he have to be so competitive?

Youngji hit Jackson and pulled me up. "What was that for?!" He yelled annoyingly. Youngji and I laugh at him seeing his fuming face.

"That was for killing my best friend hahahaha," she laugh. You see, when Youngji laugh, her mouth becomes wide open. It's one of her habit since high school. Maybe that's what makes Jackson grew an interest at her.

"B-but we're on the same team Youngji-ah! Why hit me?! You should've... aish! Never mind! I'm going home!" Jackson sulks, he leaves and walks away from us. Me and Youngji laugh at him for being too childish. Well, that's Jackson of course, always the immature one.

"He's so cute when he sulks. Let's go Y/N. Here it goes, I should pamper his ego now. You know how Jackson works. Maybe this time, I should probably cook him ramen and put his favorite cheese in it," Youngji said grabbing me out of the arcade.

...

"Yah! Wang Jackson! Why do you have to be so childish! I'm only playing with you! Come on, don't be like this, you know I'm not good at persuading!" Youngji sits beside him at the sofa.

We're basically in Jackson & Youngji's apartment after we left the arcade.

I sit at the kitchen looking at them. They're literally the cat-dog couple I've ever seen in my entire life. Youngji was cupping Jackson's face to look at her while Jackson was sulking, not sparing her a glance. Deep down, I knew Jackson wanted to be persuade. Youngji hold the bowl of ramen near Jackson and pick the strings of ramen with her chopsticks. She then make an airplane sound and try to make Jackson open his mouth by making funny noises. It's so weird seeing them from behind.

"Aaa~ open your mouth Jagi~" Youngji said making Jackson look at her.

"You think I don't know what you're doing huh?" Jackson ask making Youngji giggles. Jackson always had this funny remarks about how Youngji was treating him. Finally, he gives up and eat the ramen.

"Next time, I want you to put more cheese." he said making me laugh. I clapped my hand as they make-up again. Youngji smiles and give him a peck on his lips. Jackson's eyes widened and pulls her back for a real kiss.

I sit there awkwardly.

"You guys knew I'm sitting righttt here right?" I said making them pull away.

Youngji laugh at me while Jackson makes an, oh-you're-here-too face. Even though they fought and stuff, they always find a way to make-up again. I've never seen them in an argument that leads to the crumbling of their relationship. Jackson and Youngji is what I called My Golden Couple.

"Y/N! Do you have class tomorrow? If you don't, then we can grab lunch tomorrow, maybe we can go to the water parks too! It would be fun!" Youngji ask me with her cheerful voice. I look at Jackson who is already looking at me with anticipation.

"Guys, please stop. You two should spend a day 'without me' together! Don't you guys feel like I'm always third wheeling?? Sometimes I felt sorry for you guys that I'm always around," I pouted.

Jackson look at me seriously. OK, that's intimidating.

"Y/N.. we have agreed to not talk about this, You're not third wheeling! Besides, I don't mind, as long as I have Youngji's attention, that's fine with me!" He said cheerfully. Youngji pinch his cheeks. They got up and sit beside me in the kitchen. They were my best friend after all.

Youngji looks at me. "Y/N, please don't feel that way, we love that you're always around, we've been friends since high school, and I guarantee you, after we moved here together, I find that you smile a lot now than during our times in high school. Jackson didn't mind either, I knew him, right love?"

Jackson nods.

"I don't mind at all! Y/N, if there's one thing I learn, Youngji and I will always be there for you no matter what. Besides, it's fun to see you getting all shy and girly whenever Mr. Boyfriend takes you out on a date."

I glared at him for emphasizing that word. "Yah! What's that supposed to mean?!" I pinch his arm making Youngji laugh and try to stop us from pulling each other's hair.

After Jackson had run off to take a shower, Youngji and I sit on the couch. We were going to watch a sitcom when Youngji suddenly pull my hand and hold it.

What she said next makes me smile. "I'm happy seeing you get your beautiful happiness Y/N. I'm happy seeing you get what you truly deserve."

...

Y/N’s Apartment.

It's 9:30 PM when I reach home.

Yup, I have my own apartment too okay? I'm not going to third-wheeling my two best friend 24/7.

When I first moved here, Youngji and I rent this apartment together. But, after she met Jackson and they started going out, she moved out and ask me to live with them since Jackson's apartment is much more nearer to our university than mine.

Of course I don't want to. Even that Jackson didn't mind, I knew what privacy means okay? Trust me, I know. I'm happy living here. This apartment is too big for one person so I decided to rent the rooms. We used to have housemates since the apartment has 4 rooms, but a lot of them were seniors who needed the room just for some temporary months before finishing their studies.

So, basically, it's been a good 2 years since my housemates kept changing. My last housemates was 6 months ago. Right now, I'm living alone thus I can't afford to pay the rent and that's why I decided to find new housemates. The sooner the better.

I look at my phone. 1 new text message. I smiled happily after I flopped down and sink myself in bed. I open the message knowing who send it to me.

From: Oppa♡

I miss you. I wish I can be there and hold your hands right now. Wanna know a funny story? When I was eating, I remember the kimchi that you made the other day. Trust me, it tasted good. I wanna come home to you, I miss you so much it makes me crazy, wait for me okay love?

I smiled sheepishly. This guy, I just, arghh! I love him so much. I quickly reply.

To: Oppa♡

I know. I miss you too. You know, I felt like I kept third wheeling Jackson and Youngji while you're not here. Come home quick! I'll cook you a new recipe I learn today. It's good~ prepare your stomach Oppa! I'll be waiting!"

Send.

From: Oppa♡

Jagi 🥺 you forgot something.

I raised my eyebrows.

To: Oppa♡

? What did I forget?

From: Oppa♡

You forget to say it.

To: Oppa♡

Say what Oppa?

From: Oppa♡

I love you to me.

I squeaks. I can feel my cheeks burned. He's a mature gentleman yet he turns all gummy bear and sweetie pie when he's with me.

To: Oppa♡

Sorry Oppa. I'm too excited. Here.

I LOVE YOU OPPA.

SARANGHAEYO JAGI ♡♡♡

From: Oppa♡

I love you too. Sleep well Jagi. Take care. Meet me in your dreams. ❤

We ended the text and I went to sleep, happy to dream about my prince charming.

...

"So, you're the famous Lee Y/N. I heard a lot about you," the girl says offering her hand. I look at her with wide eyes. How exactly did she knew a lot about me?

"It's so nice to finally meet you Y/N-ssi, I'm Dahyun, Hanbin's girlfriend." She introduce herself to which I smile. Finally! Hanbin got himself a girlfriend.

"Nice to meet you too Dahyun-ssi, i'm Y/N but you probably knew that already," I grin. Hanbin stood there nervously.

Hanbin always had this what you call.. "troublemaker" attitude that makes people scared of him. But as we grew closer, I knew what he really need is a girl to warm his heart. And now, here she is, smiling politely at me.

Hanbin was one of my first friends here. When we first moved, he showed us around campus. He said a lot of girls were intimidated by his style.. I just don't know what to say about that. Yet, me, Jackson and Youngji get along with him well. We're a clique you can say. He's more like a brother to me.

"What did he tell you about me? Good things or Bad things? Hanbin... watch out.." I threatened him. Dahyun giggles and look at him smiling.

"He tells me great things about you Y/N-ssi. He told me how your whole life changed after you moved here, how you were the top student at your class. How you and Youngji-ssi were offered scholarship here because of your good grades. He tells a lot of good stories about you that makes me sometimes envy you Y/N-ssi," she said voice soft. I laugh making her glare at me weirdly.

"It's okay Dahyun-ssi. He's more like a brother to me. We fought like siblings every day. There's nothing that you have to envy me because he's your man now. He must love you so much that he introduce you to me," I said winking. She giggles and Hanbin blushes. Hanbin blushing?? WOW- that's new.

"And by the way, you can just call me Y/N. I'm your future sister in-law now hahahah," I laugh. Hanbin rolls his eyes. "We're not even a real siblings Y/N.. aish.. jinjja.." he said. Dahyun seems okay with it.

"I'd love that, Y/N. Call me Dahyun too okay?" I nods.

Jackson and Youngji just arrived at the restaurant, bickering loudly about something that involves women's perfume when they notice me, Hanbin and Dahyun's table. I wave at them. They sit down comfortably as Hanbin nervously introduce Dahyun to them. Usually, Hanbin is really talkative. Yep, not today he's not.

"Woa~ congrats bro~ I never knew you have a heart," Jackson says making me laugh hard while Youngji pinch his cheek. "Oww!" Jackson yells.

Dahyun laugh as Hanbin looks annoyed and embarrassed as well. I think this is the proper relationship that Hanbin deserves. He often said that he'll probably never get a girl because of how scary his gaze are. But hey, I guess love is blind.

"So Hanbin, how'd you know we'll be here? Did you text Y/N to meet us here?" Jackson asks. Hanbin look at us.

"Oh come on, this is our spot, I though on introducing Dahyun to you guys, so I bring her here. I knew at this time, you guys will be here, so we were waiting for you guys to arrive." Hanbin explains. That's why he looks so flustered when I arrived. He was expecting us.

"Ooo that's a good surprise. Take care of her well Dahyun. He's a really fragile guy even that he look like a troublemaker sometimes," Youngji said to Dahyun making her smile and kiss Hanbin's cheek. His cheeks became red as his eyes widened.

"I promise to take care of you guy's Hanbin really well."

I smiled proudly. Happy of my beautiful environment. Happy of the people that gives me good vibe. Happy that I have let go of my terrible past. I'm happy with what I have now and I can't bare to ask for more.

We have cancelled our plans to the water park today since it's raining and we wanted to get to know more about Dahyun so, we stayed. We were in the middle of a conversation about how Hanbin met Dahyun when suddenly, a pair of lips land on my right cheek.

"It's me Jagi,"

That voice.

The voice that make me smile a whole lotta more.

🍡

[elijahwintcrs]

❝ You know that your skin is glitter and sometimes you choke on it but you have never been breakable. You are a million shades of shimmer and even in the dark you cannot pass for dullness.❞

❄ · · · ELIJAH WINTERS has been in Ellingham for NINETEEN years and they look exactly like KATHERYN NEWTON. Having turned TWENTY-ONE years old on their last birthday, they are currently a PROFESSIONAL FIGURE SKATER and ARE HAPPY WITH THAT. Known as the PHOENIX, it’s no secret that they're CONFIDENT & HARD-WORKING, but also IRRITABLE & ARGUMENTATIVE. If you’re to meet them, please remember that they are CIS WOMAN and use SHE/HER. { JO + 26 + SHE/HER + EST }

Pinterest.

Stats Sheet.

Triggers: divorce mention, light mention of verbal abuse, injury mention.

— Her parents met later in life than most. Her father was thirty-four and her mother twenty-nine. They go married in a rush claiming ‘true love’ and ‘soulmates’ and while it seemed to hold true for Elijah’s father, her mother had slowly began to feel otherwise. Two years after their marriage, Elijah’s birth became the glue to keep their little family together. A wide-eyed baby girl who nothing but love for the both of them-- until even she wasn’t enough. The Winters split little by little: her father’s new business took him away and her mother’s long lost dreams of becoming an ice dancer kept her and Elijah at the ice rinks. Lonely dinners, nights without getting tucked in and birthdays and holidays spent alone-- it took twelve years for it all to fall apart. 

—  Elijah’s mother introduced her to ice skating as soon as she possibly could. At the age of three, she started mini lessons which as time passed would become more and more serious and the nights spent dancing and skating grew longer-- especially since her mother had chose to homeschool her. Unlike her mother, Elijah had a natural talent for dancing, balance and being able to glide across the ice and it would set her on a path that she wouldn’t be able to deviate from until...she physically couldn’t do it. While her dream wasn’t the same as her mother’s, Elijah didn’t seem to mind. She felt at home on the ice, enjoyed the cold days spent spinning around the rink and most definitely didn’t mind the glittery dresses her mother would dress her in for competitions. She worked hard, probably harder than any child should have and had plenty of medals to show for it. Her mother tended to get greedy for her daughter’s victories and while living her dream through Elijah her eyes where more set on the winnings that her own child.  Eventually that greed-- those medals glimmering in her eyes and the money from sponsorships growing ever so steadily-- lead to divorce papers written up by Elijah’s silent father when Elijah turned ten.

—  All was well after the divorce was finalized. Everything shifted back into its place despite her father moving out of the old family home-- leaving it to his daughter and her mother though they seemed to spend more time in Quebec City for her lessons. Elijah began seeing him less and less with her mother finding multiple reasons to keep her away from her father ( lessons, homeschooling, dance practice, etc.). It went from seeing him everyday ( even if it was brief ) to seeing him once a week, to once every three weeks and eventually only facetime or a phone call every once in a while. Still, Elijah powered through the grueling practices and tough competitions keeping that hurt locked away so that she could focus on her mother’s goals. She became overworked and exhausted which would lead to the first disaster in her career. It was an easy move, one that she could do in her sleep but that day it sent her into the ice hard enough to turn the world black.

— Her first suspension was at a mere twelve years old and her mother grounded her to the Ellingham estate to wait out the after affects of the concussion. They still trained in ballet and drove up to the rinks every weekened, but those few months were the worst. Elijah sat silently, listened to the curses her mother yelled at her over the potential loss of their sponsors. Elijah knew she’d messed up and somehow she would just take it as it was and improve. Next time she wouldn’t make mistakes. Next time she wouldn’t be as tired. Next time she’d practice harder. Next time there wouldn’t be a next time.

— Over those three months that she was grounded, her mother grew close to a handsome man who’d approached them during one of the practices at the rinks. Coffee turned to dinner dates, dinner dates turned to ‘sleep overs’, ‘sleep overs’ turned to boyfriend and girlfriend and before the year was up her mother had decided to move them into his home. He was nice, sure, but Elijah didn’t care for him. He wasn’t her father but she wasn’t sure how she felt about him either. However, his arrival meant rest for Elijah. She could sleep in...she could be a normal teenager. Elijah, as per usual, kept quiet about her feelings. She used her nights alone to speak with her father and go out with what little friends she managed to keep from childhood. She even managed to get a few whole weeks with her father as long as she showed up an hour early for stretches and kept up with her school work. In a way, she was thankful for her future step-father but that’s as far as she extended her friendship to him. Within the next few years, she would take home two more championship gold medals and in the end her mother remarried.

— Winning the senior Canadian championship gold medal sent her straight to the international competitions. A lot of her time was spent on first class flights back and forth from the areas to home. After years of bronzes and silvers, at the age of seventeen ( 2015: two days before her birthday ) she finally won her first world championship gold. The attention she’d garnered for her skating only tripled after her gold medal. Elijah began refusing unnecessary interviews and photoshoots with magazines, her mother and father accepted all the offers. Her mother bathed in her spotlight while Elijah withdrew focusing on practicing for the next competition. She won gold at the world championships the following three years in a row. The season began again and her preparation for the 2018 Olympics started-- but this time her mother set her eyes on a new category: Pairs.

— In between her olympic training, Elijah began training for the pairs world championship in early april. Putting her trust fully into someone else wasn’t something that came easily to her. She had admired the skill it took to dance and skate as one person but...trusting them with her body, with her choreo, with herself wasn’t something she dealt with easily. She her partner was more than capable of the lifts and tosses but Elijah was fine on her own. She was reluctant in practicing the routines with her partner and often threw him the cold shoulder but as time would have it, she warmed up to him. After the initial adjustment and the whole ‘learn to move as one’, their practices went on smoother and they slowly mastered their moves. The Olympics put a hold on their progression but she came home holding a silver for singles and a gold for ice dance. However, her victory was shortly lived as when she got back home it was back to practicing between the parties her mother threw and the ones thrown for her. This carried on until they were finally ready for the first competition of the new season. The pair made it beautifully through the first half of the routine but a simple mistake, only a misstep caused by rough ice, forced her career to come to a crashing halt. Her partner lifted her into the air effortlessly but his skate caught and sent them both to the ice. Though he tried to avoid it, Elijah took the brunt of the fall injuring her knee, shoulder and head badly all at once. 

— The media, of course, blew up with words of foulplay or just how bad she--they were and that’s why she ended up in the hospital nursing the injuries. From the moment she opened her eyes, her mother berated her about the accident nonstop and her partner’s texts of apologies and worries only felt like he was taunting her. And Elijah just couldn’t take any more. So she ran. Right back home to her father’s abandoned home in Ellingham-- to the small little town who didn’t care who she was. She could hide from everyone and everything-- and recover.  She would recover right? 

— And now she’s spending her time pushing herself to hard, being a grinch with a knee brace--- and pushing her limits trying to practice her dance and perhaps she takes a trip to quebec city sometimes. She’s currently ignoring her family’s calls and her partners as well-- trying to get back to  how things were when she was younger ( though it wasn’t too much better than it is now ).

PLOTS:

FAMILY FRIENDS: Her mother is quite a social butterfly and would have networked really well in the neighborhood especially since Elijah made a name for herself. I could see her being a part of a like ‘mom friend group’ LOL and you know how kids always k now the other kids because ‘playdates’ or the like.

CHILDHOOD BESTFRIEND(S): I think it’d be fun if she had friends that started skating with her when she was younger and since their moms wasn’t intense like Elijahs, they kind of always tried to pull Eli out of that kind of ‘you always have to be practicing’ mindset and let it be okay that she wanted to do normal kid/teenager things. 

EX FRIENDS: Maybe they had a falling out, maybe Elijah didn’t have enough time for them or she wasn’t around enough and they fell out of touch. Maybe they are jealous of her success and she’s jealous of their normal life. 

EX BOYFRIENDS: Elijah would have definitely been the type to date behind her mother’s back ( oH YES she is one of THOSE moms because ‘YOU HAVE TO FOCUS’ ) but she’d be preoccupied with skating to really be emotionally involved. perhaps they could have had a causal relationship or they kind of caught feelings and she’d be the type to run from feelings-- or they both ran. Who knows but i think it’d be fun!

SKATING PARTNER: this one is kind of super important to her story and i have a lot of thoughts for him ( i’ll end up sending in a formal wanted connection for him) BUT i think they would have needed to spend a lot of time together during that year of practice and all the lifts and things. I figure they would be almost best friend level ( at least to other people  because Elijah is too busy putting up cold fronts ) but i feel as if the conflict that is between them because SHE sees it as him ruining her life ( OK DRAMA QUEEN ALERT ) but he couldn’t help the accident but i feel he’d try to make amends because Good GuyTM

[strawberryspeachy]

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.