#and there are no periods in this text for a reason its so ppl will hate me bye

[medusozoic]

So in december I fell of my bike drunk and then I was like owie my wrist hurts and after a week when I realised I couldn't really move my wrist I went to my doctor and he was like 'eh prob not broken would hurt more but I'll get u a scan' and then I went to the hospital and they were like ye it's broken go to ic and we'll get it into a cast right away so I did that and then I had a stupid month including Christmas in a stupid cast and then I got out of the cast and I was like woo and then after a month I was like ok it still hurts quite a bit so I went back to my doctor ans he was like naaaaaa that's normal!!!! Dw baby!!! So I went along with my life skip to like 4 months later pain is getting a lot worse and I called the doctor again and had an appointment bc I wanted another scan and then she was like 'o you didn't need to go to me for that!!! You're still registered at the hospital you can just tell them!! Oh maybe I should've told you that on the phone' and then I was like :/ and I called the hospital and they said NOPEY you can't do that you need a referral!! And then I send an email to the hospital and they said 'no the pain is not bc of when you broke it hehe' so I called my doctor again who then called the hospital who then called me and they said oopsie sorry yeah we'll get you an appointment you actually were allowed to do that!!! So then like a week before my appointment I went to play some baseball (first time actually physically using my wrist again) and then it hurt really bad and I was like eh it'll probably go away in a few days (it didn't it got worse) so anyways 6 months after getting the cast off I go to the hospital get another picture and the doctor is like 'oh haha I haven't seen you in a while why have you not had any check ins!!!' and I'm like : l and he's like 'oh I see the problem it's still broken the exact same way!!' so now I'm getting surgery in 2-3 months to actually get it fixed and then I'll need a cast AGAIN for a month and 4 months recovery time.

Long story short I biked drunk and am being punished for a whole goddamn year

[meejijis]

"Why are all SK fans proshippers" Silence fetus

[orlamccools]

vent post under the cut- if youve got advice id love to hear it

so. ive been talking to this guy for a long ass while, you can scroll thru the last tag on this post to see what its all about, but long story short is this: i asked him out two saturdays agoto my friends going away party (which was held this past friday). hes met this friend once before, and we planned to meet at her place and then maybe go out to the bars after

entire week he is super into it, texts me more often than normal, creates a spotify blend for the two of us (w that feature that lets you combine your tastes into a single playlist) like im getting VIBES. and he asks abt our plans!!!! we make a solid schedule!!!

night of the party he texts me at 8:45 checking in to see if its all happening and i say yeah. i get home from work, change, then get to my friends house and text him that im here. he doesnt respond for an hour and finally says something abt how he has to charge his phone before coming out. im like ok man whatever i just want to hang so do what you gotta do. another half hour passes and then he hits me with the "hey idk if im gonna make it out". im disappointed by this, so i respond with like a "damn that kinda sucks :/" message. at this point i expect him to stop messaging me, but then he texts me quite literally for the rest of the night. like he literally doesnt stop until i text him that im walking home.

saturday i see him in person for a short period when he does the close out but another driver fucking also comes to sweep the store and just. will not stop talking to the dude in question. he like tries to get away twice but between customers and this other guy we dont talk like at all. after the other driver leaves and the store is closed he comes back in to use the bathroom and like stands by the door for a moment so i like look over but all he does is smile and wave then leave.

SATURDAY NIGHT. he texts me at like 8 responding to a text i had sent the previous night asking if im going out again tonight. i said yeah (bc a separate friend had a party) and he was like bet lemme know where youre at i might stop by and see you. i send him the address of the restaurant and proceed to hang w my friends until midnight. hes again texting me all night abt getting ready to head out but when we finally leave he hits me with the "finally leaving now where should i meet you". at this point i am exhausted, as ive just finished my first week of classes, had drunk heavily over the past 48 hours, and had worked a 13 hr workday that day. i text him and say im like too tired im going home and hes like damn :////

yesterday night. i do an eras movie night w my friends and i send a picture of the opening sequence to the ppl i have snapchat streaks with. he snaps me the rest of the night and is like "ohhhh you should have invited me" and stuff like that and its like. i didnt invite you for a multitude of reasons but like you ditched plans once this weekend and kept pushing back the other time i tried to invite you out, so why do you think i would ask you a third time???????

and now im just confused bc like. he seemed sooooooooo into it all week and then as soon as it was time for things to happen he just didnt show and kept stringing me along. im also lowkey pissed bc i wanted to hang with him and i was SO anxious abt asking him out (like i literally threw up twice friday morning bc i was so anxious abt how the day was gonna go). im just frustrated and like i had thought he had gotten the vibe that i was into him romantically bc it sure as shit seemed like he was reciprocating, and now im not even sure what to do anymore.

[onlyswan]

hi art 💓 so im rereading iw couples breakup drabble as one would do everytime shes on her period (its a canon event i think ppl would relate) and i have a few questions!!! 🥹🦋

1. what were the iw couple doing before they were in the car? like did they spend the day only to then break up? i rmb reading that jk was on tour, did he came back and break up w them right away? did he at least get them a present???!

2. what events led him to the decision? we know that prob he’s overwhelmed, the uncertainty of his career and the drabble from where he saw how draining it is on oc. but is there a bigger thing that happened?

3. u wrote that he “practiced” breaking up with oc. like is this true? how long has he thought of breaking up w oc before he actually did it? and how did oc not expect anything??? ☹️☹️

4. who is this “not married yet” girl that jk was teasing tae about? that sounds so saucYY a drabble for that would be super fun!! its gonna be super angsty too!!! hahahahhaha

5. we know jk regretted it right away after breaking up w oc, but why didn’t he backtrack and take it back? i know oc must’ve thought hes crazy but he didnt even call or text first? us reading is comforted by knowing that jk is also having the worst time, but oc doesn’t. yet theyre brave enough to be the one who reached out first, bc for all they know, jk could be with some other people right now, alr over them. did oc know that he’s not that kind of person or deep down they’re just being as brave as they can asking for what they wants which is him?

6. can we pleaseeeee have more drabbles where we can see how much the boys adore oc? or just their dynamic i would say. also do they have a special connection with each of the boys on different things? like maybe a drabble where jk & oc pack a homemade lunch to bring when visiting jin hobi or yoongi 🥹🥹

7. after the initial breakup, were things ever awkward? were there times when oc had to get used to him being in their life again or something less dramatic? did he ever see doubts or worry in oc’s eyes and is the even when he gave u reasons to drabble, the first time they had to address the traumatic event in their relationship? do they ever talk about it now? or laugh about it?

8. what happened with the “someone else i met in a bar turned out to be a jerk”??? when was this?! HAHAHHA jk must’ve lost his fucking mind after learning about this

9. kinda curious has there been a time when jk really needs quality time w oc and just brings her on tour? my dream is becoming a tour wifey so this would hit all the right spot:( esp w how easy he handled the situation from the last drabble of just inviting her to come w him. cutest ☹️

thank you so much for providing one of my comfort fics!! i hope ure having a great day🌷🥹

oh!! also!! i think we’ve never seen iw couple be on a date date, like fancy super dressed up date. is that just not them? can we see more of their date nights??

heyyy beloved i missed you 🥺🥺🥺 omg???

there are two types of onlyswan readers: one - those who reread the period drabbles then they’re on their period / two - those who reread the breakup drabble when they’re on their period 😭😭😭

ALRIGHT [cracks knuckles]

1. he broke up with oc as soon as he arrived back from tour 🥲 like literally. our guy was still jetlagged. he just wasn’t in his right mind at the time honestly. oc hopped in the car thinking they were going to spend time together someplace else but… yk what happened… ofc he got oc lotssss of presents though </3 including those gifts he talked about in the video oc watched before they called him :(

2. at the time they were already making plans about what will happen in the next few years of their career including the m word ehem ehem so. yeah he was overwhelmed and tired and he felt guilty of having to always leave oc + we know how oc is so empathetic so he also felt guilty that they have to carry his burdens as well ☹️

3. probably a month 🤨 but he didn’t actually want to break up with oc yk? it felt more like a thing that he had to do </3 so oc never suspected anything because the way he was acting towards them never changed. he wanted to hold on.

4. LMAOOOOO maybe in the future i’ll get around to that 🤞🏼 but tae was going through it for reaaaaal

5. he didn’t jump out the car to chase oc because him immediately changing his mind would’ve pissed oc off thinking that he was just playing a joke on their feelings and that would earn him a slap on the face 😭 he thought of that. and oc said they wanted to decide for theirself too :( so he wanted to respect that but he ended up becoming too much of a coward to reach out first after that bcs what if oc already decided that the breakup was for the best too 🥲 what if they hate him now 🥲 but he should’ve thought about it more from oc’s pov bcs they were suffering thinking that he alr gave up frfr </3

hmmm joon did talk to them about jk having a hard time, but during the breakup they did ask if he cheated so we know that they have this anxiety :( oc is just our bravest soldier who knows what they want and always tries their best to get it (him) 🫡

6. omg yessss more soon i’ve been thinking about one with jimin too specifically !! oc definitely bonds with each of the tannies about different things 🥺

7. yea, the even when he gave u reasons to drabble was the first time they brought it up again :( after they got back together jk really made efforts to reassure oc and that’s partly because he did see how they became kind of timid when he expresses affection. (i.e., jk saying “i didn’t love you any less and you know that.” and oc not saying anything and walking away instead) (this shit still kills me today sorry)

8. this was oc’s bf before jungkook aka guy with the dirty nails aka the ex who cursed them out like crazy when oc broke up with him (called them a slut) AND ALMOST made oc delete jungkook’s first ever texts to them bcs they lowkey started believing him. (he makes me mad sorry)

9. heeee wanted to but oc has only tried flying out for the ptd la and vegas shows bc the circumstances before then were different :( they were balancing school and multiple jobs. and we know how hard oc studied. they were so committed 😭 but now they live together and oc has a stable job and everything’s just more flexible overall so going with him overseas when he has work there is easy and not a problem at all 🥺

oh ofccc they’ve been on fancy dates esp that oc loves feeling pretty <3 but someone take me on a fancy date first so i can write about it 🤧

this is the first time someone called the giving up drabble a comfort fic lmaoooo this made my day i love you 😭 i hope i answered your questions and thank you soooo much for reading my works 🥺💕

[gnfountains]

im so confused and a little hurt by Karl's recent actions esp with regards to Dream. Idk like he has always seemed like a good friend to everybody but rn its literally everybody except Dream. idk what he thinks is gonna happen but dteam stans and especially Drolos are gonna hate him if he keeps moving like this. But ultimately the sad thing for me is realizing maybe Karl isn't that good of a friend as I thought and not as genuine of a person.

I don't think Karl's necessarily an ingenuine person or bad friend, but I will say that he will go to almost any length to avoid active conflict and harassment. which works okay for a while but ultimately will stab you in the back. Karl is simply not that good of friends with dream, he's close with snf and it's not because he doesn't like dream- they just don't talk much anymore. dream self admittedly has said he's bad at keeping up and only actively talks to a couple people. (snf, irl florida ppl, bbh and tommy id say probably) the rest of munchy even, velvet, ant, skeppy, sam, he is good friends with them, they go way back and they'll always be loyal to eachother. but they don't constantly hang out or text unless there is a reason (one of the reasons I think dream wants to make usmp, a reason to talk to people) this is just how dream is.

Karl is kinda the opposite. he loves to make a ton of friends and get pretty close to everyone in short periods of time. but if you don't hang out for a while then he doesn't see you as a super good friend. I'd bet good money that even though he's good friends with hasan, if he had a huge controversy Karl definitely would drop out of a vidcon panel called "friends of hasan" lol. he gets scared. like a person. honestly I don't even know of his attitude towards being a cc and streaming is the healthiest. to be that afraid of conflict? but tbh its a very human response that I'd probably have to.

[villystinka]

self-reflect

this is not a rant

So I'm going to try to reflect on the lowest period of my life - end of 2019 to spring 2022.

The only way I can remember it is with what phases I went through like for example October and November 2019 I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne, December I was obsessed with Star Wars... I felt really down but don't really remember why. I'm pretty sure it was seasonal depression though

We going into 2020... God. First two months I was still obsessed with Star Wars and then Shameless but then quarantine started in march. I was 14 btw. Anyways .. I was living with my dad at our cottage which is in the countryside since in our apartment there wasn't enough space for me and my brother to study online. I had my own room at the cottage so it was perfect and I felt really free. I was obsessed with Harry Potter and 5sos and whatnot OHHH and Doja cat. Summer 2020 I went to the national round of the English Olympiad in my country and it was kind of exciting except there was covid and we didn't go to another town ... But it was okay. I think that was the last major competition I ever went to, I just didn't have the energy since then. Also summer 2020 I started anime LMAO. My first ever anime was orange❤️❤️❤️ it still has a special place in my heart and I watched it one night and it was 5th of July idk why I remember it. Anyways I had a very major phase with black clover and that's what I connect summer 2020 with. Except that I was almost every day third-wheeling but still going outside because I just couldn't say no to my friend (she's toxic btw and we're not friends anymore) when she called me to go outside with her fucking boyfriend. Keep in mind she was 14 and her bf was 20 at the time... We not gonna talk about that lol it's not my life anyway but she was Hella groomed and she had nothing against it, she was actively encouraging this kind of age gap in relationships .... Its not like she was suffering. Anyways. We going into September 2020. What I connect it to is my big phase with Naruto and then I watched fullmetal alchemist and then november-ish I watched death note but like in September we started school right and the separation between me and my friends started to feel real, although I kept contact w them throughout spring and summer 2020. Then we went back online in October-ish if I remember correctly. That's when it really started to feel bad but not really. That's actually when I downloaded discord and the reason was that when I was reading fanfics on wattpad I saw one of the authors I followed link to their discord server and I was like ok I'll join it! Met some ppl there but I'm not talking to them anymore but I was addicted to mudae 💀. Winter 2020 I connect to meeting a certain individual called David (he was 23 at the time and I was 15) and I fell in love with him but then I was ranting about it to my online friends in that server and they were like girl you're not normal HES 23. that's when I realized that age gap wasn't normal. Yeah anyways.... I also connect winter 2020 with haikyuu and Yuri on ice.

We going into 2021.. worst year fr. Started off with my jojo phase, and then MY AOT PHASE. I swear if I hadn't watched aot so many things wouldn't have happened. I joined a certain server and met so many of my current online friends and we've been friends for almost two years. They helped me ALOT throughout this period! Honestly I started drift off my irl friends and NOT because of my online ones but because of another reason.

Guess I should explain my whole relationship w my friends, that's exactly why I wanted to do this self reflect thing. Now that I'm doing better I can do a whole summary and look at it more objectively. They all already had build a lot more connection among themselves than I did with them even before I met my online friends. They were texting me at some point asking why I'm not texting them but they always made me feel like I was OBLIGED to do it and made themselves the victims and not actually considering the event in which MAYBE I'm not feeling well. Actually I'm still baffled whether I felt bad or not. I feel like the only thing keeping me alive was consuming media just to feel something. While sometimes I was feeling great there was always something missing you know? I knew I was isolating myself from everyone but I was rarely feeling bad about it until one point when I started feeling lonely. Before I didn't feel that way... Until like start of 2021 I didn't feel lonely at all. I felt almost free tbh. I felt like there wasn't school and I was in my own bubble "paradise" in which I was reading, drawing, watching shows, movies, anime etc. Man idk anymore. Then I met my online friends and I was sometimes talking to my irl friends about online ones and that was such a big mistake. It turned to the point when my friends would insult those people even without knowing them, just because they felt replaced or something??? You werent there, Emily. I'm quoting her: "If you keep talking to them, you're gonna lose all your REAL friends"

Yes I'm still holding a grudge about that. She wasn't there for me not even once and you expect me not to find a way to fill the void?? And when this solution worked for me at the time? I didn't have to look good to be friends with them. My past didn't matter, my anxiety didn't matter. We bonded over games, memes, shows, anime like??? Exactly what my existence was all about, the consumed media that we had in common was what bonded us, and we were doing fun things, like karaoke nights, dubbing over anime scenes, sharing funny stories from our lives, learning about each other and the fact that we were (are) living in different countries and could talk different languages was interesting. I learned a lot about different cultures/religions, I even fasted during Ramadan 😮. Anyways. One of my friends always said this:

Translation: "I'm surprised that you've ever went outside and not being on discord 🙃"

"I'm even more surprised you opened that message instead of being on discord 🙃"

Out of every possible way to approach this situation, in his place I would never say this. By the age of 15 aren't you supposed to be able to feel sympathy? Not even empathy, sympathy. Someone could've asked if something is going on and I would respond normally and I wouldn't feel so bad but this is not encouraging in ANY WAY, like no this is not encouraging me to go outside and hang out with you???? What were you trying to achieve??? And if I bring up this this to the person rn he wouldn't even feel bad. Explain to me how this is right lmao I'm not going crazy right??? He's wrong right???? I'm not all bad right????

Because that's exactly how I felt, I felt like it was all my fault. I didn't even vent to anyone irl, I realized I shouldn't burden anyone with my own problems (family) but exactly cz they didn't know anything they were assuming I just did that on my own whim, because I felt like it. No? But no one really asked what happened. That's why you don't know 🤦🤦 and now it's too late, I don't need comfort now. The real reason I felt so bad was my own thoughts, my own brain. If someone had told me that the battle within myself should be won by ME and me only, if no one could actually help, it would've kind of been different. If actually realized it.

[garfieldsladybird]

for some reason i haven’t asked yet - but how are you? i feel as though we haven’t spoken for so long x

we haven’t talked in so long (i think its been like maybe a month or just a few weeks) and i dislike it. i miss you a lot.

how am i? well today i feel great! like im just here and im liven. not in a bad way. in a good way. but also im goin with the floww!! :DD

— okay so i woke up good, i was typing that feeling good but now… im just here. idk what’s going on and/or what is happening. im now in 6th period, i wrote that in 3rd. and i give up on thinking. im gonna go with the flow on fuckin everything now.

with everything else? other stuff? i have lots of hw i need to get done but i will get those done! i also have a really bad headache rn ngl, that might be bc im smoking (im hitting my pen) it hurts. (still have one sadly) — im also so confused with whats going on in my relationship. we’re slowing down as me and him have both said but what does that mean and include? he also never texts me(first and in general) he texts other people way more then me (females, they’re all friends, and i know the ppl), this one person tho- they’re only friends but she’s way closer with him then i am with him so im a little jelly. but eh. oh and me amd him never get alone time either so its always him, friends, me. fr. but it’s going good tho (i hope so/i hope it is) <333

idk. im just gonna try to be happy for the rest of the day! i have one more period after this, math (which im liking bc i understand some of the stuff we’re doing!!). after that period/after school, im going to Mcdonalds (omg do you guys have mcd’s?)- nvm im not going mcd’s. but me and friends are all going to a persons house (who is in the friend group), watching a movie and drinking hot chocolate! and also waiting for another friend to get to the house and then we’ll play a game!! i hope that’s fun and makes my day better :)

but yeah that’s it. in general and all round, im okay.

now onto youuuu!! i saw that you post saying you had a shitty day and im sorry about that love. :( i hope tomorrow is better! if you want to rant/talk to me about it, you can, i dont mind! sometimes just sleeping the rest of the day away is great! meaning just getting into bed and forget about everything happening outside of that bed, put on your favorite show/comfort show or the show your watching rn and just relax… :) ik that may not sound like an option if your stressing over things but if you need to take a mental break and take a moment for yourself, do it!! i love you and im sending you so much love!!! 🫶🫶🫶💗💗💗😽😽😽 xxxxxxxxxxx

[cognitosclowns]

AAAAA MORE OC’S BC IM LOSING MY MIND OVER EVERYBODY’S DESIGNS <333

@m41z135h1pz FRITZI HAVIN AN ABSOLUTE BLAST and,,,,,, breaking the laws of physics. It’s probably fine?

@gh05t-v0m1tz Nina!! JR,,,,,, is causing her unnecessary stress. How is a man this rich so bad at managing his money.

@suppenzeit Timothy!! THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE CRACKED ME UP SO MUCH SMDNSD I HAD TO DRAW THEM SIDE BY SIDE Buzzfeed Unsolved quotes used (with a bit of adlibing from me smnds)

Willie is Very Not Straight for Robotus smdnsmd

EEEEEE THIS WAS SO FUN

[brinytrolls]

i'm so sorry the ftc did that to you, i've seen it happen in other communities where all of a sudden people just get shunned or treated like shit and have things spread about them out of the blue, its awful especially if you dunno what you apparently did to cause it, i'm so sorry and if it helps i absolutely will still keep following you for your ocs

ty anon--it’s unfortunately happened around the ftc more times than im comfortable with. until around last year i never understood why people could condemn the ftc so much to the point of leaving, but wow i really see it. it can be vicious here, as can any other community 

if i knew what i did wrong id own up to it and try to right things-but it has just been hushed whispers that ive only seen the vaguest part of. if i knew id done smth wrong i wouldnt pretend not to know bc im just, not that sort of person. i rly havent the fucking foggiest what ive done

thank you sm tho anon, it means a lot!!!<3

[madmaddyenby]

/rp /dsmp

ok so- c!tommy. we are all aware he’s traumatized, and experiences ptsd from being in traumatic experiences, this is basically fact.  while i’d like to talk how c!tommy experiences ptsd, i’d like to bring up a thing i haven’t seen mentioned a lot when it comes to c!tommy and his trauma- c-ptsd.  also known as complex-ptsd.   it occurs when someone experiences something traumatizing for a period of time.

[image description: A screenshot of text with the words “CPTSD stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a mental health condition in which a person might experience intense PTSD symptoms that coincide with other mental issues. CPTSD occurs in people who have been subjected to on going traumatizing experiences”. end description]

which, as we know, the exile arc fits the description of “ongoing traumatizing experiences” pretty fucking well.  the exile was basically just two weeks of trauma.  for a lot of reasons too, there was dream abusing tommy, tommy being isolated, tommys own depression/suicidal thoughts/bad mindset in general.   this would all be considered a ongoing traumatizing experience(s).  

ptsd is very similar to c-ptsd in how it develops, but ptsd occurs after one singular traumatizing event . (by the way, the event doesnt have to be life or death, it could be something like witnessing or hearing about a shocking event!!!)

symptoms of c-ptsd overlap with ptsd a good lot of the time, due to them both being trauma disorders.  however, there are a few differences.  here r some symptoms of c-ptsd, alot of which are ptsd symptoms that alot ofpeople with c-ptsd experience as well

reliving the traumatic experience

avoiding certain situations 

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

hyperarousal (jitteriness, being on alert, etc)

somatic symptoms (physical symptoms with no underlying cause)

lack of emotional regulation 

change in consciousness

negative self-perception

difficulty with relationships

distorted reception of abuser

loss of system of meanings

now, i’ll go over which of these fit our boy c!tommy, and how they fit for some of them atleast.  i will only be talking about the things that are a result from c-ptsd, but also c-ptsd works where it coincides with other mental illnesses a person has so.  its also important to note that within a person these symptoms might not stay the same over time, and not everyone who has c-ptsd or ptsd is going to experience it the same.   (so not talking abt how pain affects him after dying in the prison, though that is a clear sign of ptsd) 

reliving the traumatic experience

tommy’s done this with exile a few times, when revisiting logstedshire, when he saw the craters in logstedshire, when visiting dream in prison, when during the disc finale dream dug the hole and told him to put his armour in, etc etc, he’s even described himself as being trembly in the fingers near plain biomes, while visting logsted he mentioned how shaky it made him to be there, and when he visited logsted one time he had an immediate reaction to seeing a hole in the ground that came off as him reliving it. flashbacks come in from sensations during a traumatic event, like sight, feeling, emotion, etc, etc.  it seems like with these he’s experiencing more of a reliving the emotions kind of thing. 

avoiding certain situations 

i was originally not gonna include this one, but thinking about it, he kind of does in a way.   this symptom also includes keeping yourself preoccupied to avoid thinking about it, which is something c!tommy seems to do alot.  with focusing on building the hotel, and doing tasks, or grinding for supplies instead of actually thinking about it.  

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

c!tommy uh. does this a lot.  a lot of it stems from how during exile tommy was isolated and made to believe no one cared for him, and even if that wasn’t true c!tommy never really got much closure on that.  hes not really trusting ppl that b4 were really close to him, tubbo n ranboo for example

lack of emotional regulation

this can also be described as uncontrollable feelings.  this is the one i’ve wanted to talk about the most i think- because this is really fits c!tommy.  he tends to lash out alot, for example burning the flower c!ranboo gave him, there are a bunch more examples of this that include him yelling at others, that one time when he spleefed c!jack 

negative self-perception

yeah.  theres a few examples of this one, the one that first comes to mind is that time during the green festival where he was talking about how he was worse than everyone he didn’t wanna be (including his abuser, c!dream...) .  theres now when he was building his tower by the prison when he was saying he couldn’t use the cobble because it was too him, and people didnt like the cobble. alot of this i think comes from c!dream making him feel basically worthless in exile :(

difficulty with relationships

  Yeah. um.  Alot for this one!!! The first to come to mind is c!tubbo.  c!tommy and c!tubbos relationship is very very wonky, especially considering recent events with tommy feeling like he is being replaced with c!ranboo.  (which he isnt by the way! he just feels as though, which is a valid feeling for him to have :]) .  another person that comes to mind is c!ranboo.  he’s even mentioned how his and ranboos relationship goes back and forth quite alot.  its not very surprising to see that he has difficulty with relationships especially considering a lot of the reason that the exile affected him so badly was because he felt so alone and was so isolated from his friends.  another thing that comes to mind, is when he made c!sam sign that contract promising hat he’d be his best friend and protect him.  theres most likely way more that can be said here, but this is the first stuff that comes to mind.  

distorted reception of abuser

um... yeah.  this one.  this can also be described as , “ becoming preoccupied with the relationship between you and your abuser. It can also include preoccupation with revenge or giving your abuser complete power over your life. “  which is um.  yeah.  c!tommy.  he’s mentioned how whenever he’s around c!dream he feels like hes conditioned to be his friend (which. yea . he was .).  right after he left logstedshire this was very very prominent, he was the biggest c!dream apologist around (/j), saying things like “dream didnt do anything wrong” and even explaining how he wasnt sure about things when it comes to c!dream, that his mind became flip floppy whenever he thought about him.   right now, hes focused on getting back at c!dream, not fully for revenge, mainly for his friends and how he doesnt want c!dream to go around killing and reviving everyone, but the point still stands.  (this all makes me extra sad because he had gone to the prison the second time in the first place to get closure :(( )

loss of system of meanings

Systems of meaning refer to your religion or beliefs about the world.  This can also refer to getting a strong sense of hopelessness or despair about the world, which as of late mainly c!tommy seems to have.  mainly referencing in his stream where he visited dreams bunker, he was asking what the point was of finding things that made him happy if dream was just going to get out the prison and destroy it.  theres also a few things that also go with this, in one stream while he burnt down ponks lemon tree for sam nook he said  "thats still decaying, but yknow, arent we all." and that one time when he gave that hotel invitation to c!techno he was like “ahahha we could die tomorrow anyway” 

-

its also important to note that, “Any type of long-term trauma, over several months or years, can lead to CPTSD. However, it seems to appear frequently in people who’ve been abused by someone who was supposed to be their caregiver or protector. “ Which is.. fairly accurate in c!tommy’s situation.  c!dream might’ve not been a caregiver or protector necessarily but he was still someone that was looking after him yknow? 

there are most likely more things than what i layed out that show that c!tommy most likely also has cptsd, however this is just the stuff that i thought up :] add to the post if you’d like to!

(also this isn’t saying that c!tommy doesnt have ptsd, he had both ptsd and c-ptsd. also i am not an expert about ptsd, cptsd, or mental health in general, if i got any information wrong let me know)

[awsugar]

mack !! helppp so people on twitter were saying frank’s racist and i really wanted a get a tattoo symbolizing him on my sleeve and now im having doubts D: they’re mentioning the japanese imperial tatt and “one time he said the n-word” like i know he has that old tatt covered and he probably didnt know but do you know anything ab the n-word shit?? or do you think theyre tryna make shit up

yea ok. well i just answered that ask about the rising sun which i agree i don't think he had any idea of the meaning when he got it. because he has literally no reason as a white man from new jersey to get a symbol of japanese imperialism i think he just thought it looked cool. and obviously since he's had it covered up. people didnt start bringing that tattoo up as like an issue until 2016ish?? id been in the fandom for 8 years and never even knew myself that it was bad bc no one had ever said anything. so i really think that was just ignorance and he's done what he can to correct it.

as far as the n word, if he had ever said it that is NOT something i would make excuses for. but he hasn't said it. i have heard of people claiming this in the past though and ive seen the "tweets". one of them is fake and photoshopped. the other is from a time when quote retweets were different than they are now. the text of the tweet would show up in your own tweet instead of showing as a separate one like they do now. used RTs exclusively to reply to ppl during this time period. we all remember rad RT. he did that with someone who used it and so it showed up in his tweet. which idk its not my place to say whether or not he should have done it. but hes not the one who said it so saying that he said the n word is incorrect.

frank is not perfect by any means!!! he's definitely fucked up in the past. but i do feel like his past mistakes are based in ignorance. like the dreads. i think about things he's done and i say would frank do this TODAY with all the knowledge he has now. and its pretty much always no.

you have to make your own decision about the tattoo but i have multiple frank tattoos. i genuinely beleive he is a good person.

[bleachbleachbleach]

I don't think modrn day Japan celebrates LNY but do you think soul society still does? It would make sense since half the ppl are old as balls and predate when japan stopped celebrating

恭禧發財! Thank you for this ask! <3333 I, uh. I answered it but I got distracted by calendars and Y2K and primordial ooze, so I’m just going to excerpt the 4th paragraph, since that’s the actually relevant Lunar New Years part! Clearly still in my Soi Fon era rn.

In the New Years episodes, Rukia et al suggest that shinigami New Years is very much an intentional borrow from the living realm, and considered as such. It’s also a fairly new one. If they’re so hyped about borrowing this new years, I imagine they probably also borrowed prior ones, and that during the relevant period, Lunar New Year got celebrated. But given their present zest for the Gregorian calendar—and the general lack of institutional memory around TBTP, which as far as shinigami lifespans go was not that long ago, and only like 30 years after the calendar switch—I feel like they probably nope’d right out of Lunar New Year and plum forgot about it. Or maybe it’s still a Soi Fon family tradition. Maybe Soi Fon doesn’t like cats because of Yoruichi—Yoruichi’s cat transformation is just one more reason for Soi Fon to like Yoruichi. She grew up on animal zodiac stories!

The rest is below the cut for posterity!

The calendar in Soul Society is so interesting to me, because like… I’m going to start somewhere calendar-adjacent, but I guess one day several hundred years ago Yamamoto decided that architecture/clothing had peaked and he decreed they were just going to stay in their Edo vibes from then on—even though like, clearly even the "modern" Soul Society/Seireitei predates Edo by quite a bit, so it must all have looked very different for most of its history, unless the shinigami actually invented this styling independently. It also wasn’t a hard stop, because some places have Western furniture and they print a reasonably contemporary-looking magazine and the 2nd has heated floors. (BUT THERE’S NO CAKE.)

They seem incredibly committed to the Gregorian calendar, and making sure their calendar syncs with the Living World’s calendar—or at least, any time stuff gets skewy in the dangai, someone pitches a fit. And I get why they would feel like that was important, wanting to keep track of their deployed units and all. Lolllll, man, you know how most of the reports are handwritten? I bet it’s only half out of tradition and the other half is out of a fear that they will Y2K themselves into oblivion by accident; and they should be rightly concerned, because that seems like something they would do. (The 12th has all those mainframes because they do not share this fear.) This is probably also why denreishiki (or the model that Rukia got) can print things. Every time Hitsugaya texts a report there’s someone on the other end with a tiny printer gluing receipt tape into a scrapbook. Or maybe someone transcribing them by hand because denreishinki print with non-archival ink.

But this is getting away from me. I guess what I’m curious about is at what point shinigami began fashioning themselves after cultures in the living world. Did they pre-exist humans (in a different form), evolve with them, or did the notions of deity, death, and afterlife need to develop first? Do they have their own independently developed cultural forms or is it all/does it all have to be a riff off the world of the living? Is this something they have ever had (prior to Edo? prior to modern Soul Society?) Is the whole "we capture a Hollow in the realm of the living and then drag it back to Soul Society for part of a ritual that takes place 12 years after the death of a captain" thing a shinigami invention, or does that also have roots in older human practices (iomante?)?

In the New Years episodes, Rukia et al suggest that shinigami New Years is very much an intentional borrow from the living realm, and considered as such. It’s also a fairly new one. ("Fairly" here could mean anything from 150 to 15 years I guess, lol.) If they’re so hyped about borrowing this new years, I imagine they probably also borrowed prior ones, and that during the relevant period, Lunar New Year got celebrated. But given their present zest for the Gregorian calendar—and the general lack of institutional memory around TBTP, which as far as shinigami lifespans go was not that long ago, and only like 30 years after the calendar switch—I feel like they probably nope’d right out of Lunar New Year and plum forgot about it. Or maybe it’s still a Soi Fon family tradition. Maybe Soi Fon doesn’t like cats because of Yoruichi—Yoruichi’s cat transformation is just one more reason for Soi Fon to like Yoruichi. She grew up on animal zodiac stories!

Honestly, I’m just impressed that the old guard shinigami have managed to adapt to what was probably a good many calendars, one after the other and many simultaneous. Do you think that’s part of why Ukitake is so zeroed in on everyone’s birthdays? I mean, besides being a nice guy and wanting the Youth to feel some sense of celebration in the passage of time while it still holds meaning in their hearts lol. They’re also handy mnemonics! Because Ukitake would not give a shit about this newfangled calendar they’re using now, were it not for its utility in tracking the birthdays of all his lovely coworkers.

I think of Soul Society of being fairly sclerotic, but it’s super interesting the ways that this is paired with these punctuations of modernization fever? Or like, a desire to bring as much of the living realm into theirs as they can, even as these efforts are uneven and sometimes a bit odd. I think it goes back to this question of whether their realm predates humans on Earth (or in Japan), has always been concomitant, or proceeds from a human ability to conceive of an afterlife. I could honestly vibe with any of these.

Pre-dating humans on earth would be fun because you could lean into shinigami monstrosity and imagine how completely different they would have been without the blueprint of a human form, and before asauchi were even a glimmer in Nimaiya’s eye. That would also suggest that shinigami would have had to adopt this idea of being balancers and having anything to do with human souls, rather than being teleologically destined for this purpose.

Being twinned to the human realm would be fun because it plays up the notion of Soul Society as reflection.

And the third option of being tied not to human corporeality as distinct from the primordial ooze, but to a particular kind of human consciousness—well, that starts getting very esoteric (she says, as though the rest of this wasn't).

Anyway, the modernization fever is interesting re: these potential origin stories because of the way it indexes how important the living realm is to Soul Society—it’s perceived as some kind of backwater frontier, but also the location of the sublime.

** Please note that I’m sure there’s some kind of Soul King-related origin story upon which the entire plot of Bleach rests, but my brain actively flouts this knowledge. What is a Soul King, I don’t caaaare.

[danteinthedevildom]

So I’ve been thinking lately abt the whole “Barbatos was never a child” thing, and I have a few thoughts abt it. 

Tho first I’m gonna be real and admit that idk much abt Barbatos or things he’s said abt himself. I’m not too far into the actual story (bc events are Always Happening and I Can’t Keep Up), so there’s a lot of lil details I prolly don’t know abt. So this might be super easily disproven and y’know what if it is one of y’all lmk. That said-

OM has a lot of its storyline and character design based on demonology rather than full-out biblical literature. Like, Lucifer isn’t technically named in the bible, and only gets I think a passing mention in the Torah. Where you see his name used is like, super recent religious history; when the bible was translated from Hebrew to Latin, they took the word “Helel” (day-star, if the translation is right) and translated it as “Lucifero” (to shine). When it was translated into English by King James (only abt 1611), they kept “Lucifero” as “Lucifer”, bc the descriptor became a title became a moniker. 

Older biblical texts just call him “the Devil” or “Satan”. Sometimes “Beelzebub”. And even then, they’re just different names for the same demon. 

He is mentioned (intentionally) by name, tho, in demonology - and uniquely defined as his own demon alongside Satan and Beelzebub. It’s also here that he’s defined as the avatar of Pride - alongside the other six demons of sin, in the exact order shown in OM. They’re also only really in demonology listed all together as fallen angels and not just assumed to have been born demons. 

It’s also been pointed out before that Mammon’s canonical design is p. much point for point an exact replica of a description shared abt him in demonology circles. And I’ve even noted before that Mammon’s often attributed in demonology as the emissiary between hell and England - which might be why he sings so much English in his songs compared to the other brothers. 

Plus, looking at the Goetia (written by real-life King Solomon himself), a few of the side-character demons named in-game are actually other demons he mentions as pacted to him. (Plus this is p. much the only place Barbatos is ever mentioned, I think.) So the devs have, like... a p. defined understanding of demonology material that they use as the basis for a lot of concepts in-game. 

Which is why I got thinking when I was reading abt Barbatos in the Goetia, bc. He’s a p. unique demon. 

King Solomon gives descriptions abt each demon he’s pacted to; their basic roles, retinues, when they show up, how to contain them, etc... next to drawings of their sigils. It’s all p. standard stuff. Something he does do that’s p. interesting, tho, is point out which demons are fallen angels. And Barbatos, surprisingly, is listed as a fallen angel from the Order of Virtues. 

If I’m playing it safe I would prolly say some of the mystery behind his “he was never a child” thing could be a ref. to the fact that in the source material they’re pulling from, he fell as an adult angel and subsequently appeared in hell as a fully-grown demon. Ofc they’ve changed him from that basis for the sake of the story, so it’s just a lil nod more than anything else; a cheeky lil wink to the Goetia and his real-life past, but not smthn they’re really focused on.

But if I were going full risky and balls-to-the-wall mad theorist, then I’d think maybe Barbatos did fall, and maybe even with the brothers, but retconned himself back in time (either at his own behest or likely bc of a deal with the Demon Lord). Or, potentially, he fell much, much earlier than the brothers, for reasons unknown.

We know powerful demons like Lucifer can alter memories (e.g. not remembering what someone looked like during a specific event, or not remembering the event at all), and that Diavolo can change someone’s appearance for an extended period of time (e.g. the Angel event and the Paws and Claws events), so Demon King memory wipe/appearance changing shenanigans could be a thing. 

It’d be a reasonable explanation for why he’s only ever been seen as an adult, plus I do be loving the idea of extended use of powers bc jfc those demons just get new abilities every event and the rammifications of some of them are so fucking interesting. 

I noticed a lot of ppl saying like, maybe he was just like that from the beginning of time, which is def. possible, but also with how much the devs’ve taken from actual demonology... idk. Anything could be plausible! This’s just another potential idea. It’s interesting and fun to think abt either way.

[jostenneil]

as much shit as the show naruto gets, which is mostly justified, the show had some gems and interesting points (and it still is a standard even tho some ppl hate to admit it considering Naruto is still being compared to new shows). But I wonder how diff it would be if it was written by a better storyteller like togashi or a shoujo mangaka

I think Naruto is very much a series that over the years has come to garner mass criticism for the wrong things. Like it is without a doubt a terribly flawed series, but not in the way most people tend to posit because their complaints are often driven by misogyny and misery rather than any productive engagement with the text or the ideas it’s trying to posit. The reason that the series has lasted for so long in comparison to so many of its contemporaries is because the framework of the narrative itself is genuinely interesting and something that’s tangibly expanded upon as the plot progresses. The problems in Naruto compound and increase in degree of complexity as the story moves forward because more and more is being revealed about the root of the problems plaguing this war-driven, largely impoverished society. It’s the perfect breeding ground for canon divergence content, because there are so many set-ups and possibilities presented to us either explicitly or implicitly by way of the world naturally expanding.

Where Kishi primarily faltered was in his inability to comprehensively flesh out or resolve almost any of the conflicts or dynamics he created. He was pretty good at establishing the bones of a story (give or take a few worldbuilding errors), but packing on the meat tended to be a big problem for him (and this is also due in part to him sometimes allowing fandom influence to confuse him, so he didn’t fully deliver on ideas he originally had because he thought if people didn’t like them they weren’t worth pursuing). I often joke that Naruto could have turned out better had it been longer, because admittedly, in his defense, I don’t think he had enough time to properly address all of the ideas he created without giving into exhaustion first. That’s something that I think we started to see manifest as he was writing the Fourth War arc, because some of the plot progressions towards the end felt truly contrived and nonsensical, and obviously we’re all aware of how inconclusive the ending itself felt. Naruto as a story itself is a big set-up—if you made a line graph that charted the characters’ emotional well being across the course of the series, I think it’d be reasonable to say they start in the negatives and slowly make their way to the zero line by the end of the war. That should have been a huge turning point for the characters in terms of them feeling more confident in their visions for the future and how they want to work together to tangibly help the villages heal and evolve, but we were robbed of seeing any kind of development along that vein when Kishi decided to just end things with a time-skip chapter. It’s true the Blank Period novels exist, but many of them (not all, I stress, before someone attacks me) are filled with empty meaningless content that did nothing to address the actual problems originally created in Naruto’s world and only dabbled in trivial adventures for the cast as a marketing tactic to keep the franchise thriving. And I get it! Kishi was tired, he still wanted to milk the franchise, and signing off on other authors making up post-canon content was an easy solution. But at the same time, I often wish that the series had just. . . ended at Chapter 699. I firmly believe that a lot of the bad perceptions of the series that exist today are as a result of the lens that content Chapter 700 and onward forces us to look at the series through. The lack of proper closure for certain relationships before they were consummated, the non-existence of any tangible improvement in ninja society, the meaningless adventure arcs (which while very cute for the kids and a great way to keep the franchise alive, still do nothing for the story as a whole)—all of that has contributed to growing skepticism of this series and magnanimity of its faults because the conclusions cast a dark pallor on the potential, which often was not bad at all. Underdeveloped, maybe, but not so unfounded as people often like to claim it is.

And I agree, it would have been really cool to see! I think what’s admirable about a mangaka like Togashi (despite him not being without flaws, either) is that he’s very stubbornly dedicated to his craft and to how he wants to execute it. That’s a kind of grit that I think you absolutely need to have as an author, because sure, being open to criticism is good, but you shouldn’t make yourself so willingly flexible as to allow the story to escape your control. And Togashi obviously also had the advantage of largely being able to publish Hunter x Hunter on his own terms and his own timeline, whereas Naruto was Kishi’s first major series, so he was far more restricted in that aspect. I do wonder how Kishi might have fared had he been published in a monthly magazine, if he’d stuck to his guns about so many of his ideas rather than scrapping them in the face of fandom opinion, or if having a better support system in terms of staff may have allowed him to carry the series on for longer to where he could have properly resolved most of his plot threads. I think a lot of people would agree that while Kishi is certainly a man of many faults, part of what’s also shaped Naruto (and a number of other shounen) for worse is the environment within which WSJ series are produced. It’s not conducive to allowing for the best product to be put out, and at some point I think some authors just resign themselves to that fact rather than try to fight it because they’re tired and they need to make a living. Togashi is really lucky he got to hold the success of Yu Yu Hakusho as leverage so that he could publish Hunter x Hunter as he pleased, and thankfully it turned out to be a really well-fleshed out narrative as a result. (A similar reasoning could apply to many shoujo series as well, obviously, since a majority of the longer series tend to be published in monthly magazines where authors are given ample time to properly develop their plots.)

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

[unproduciblesmackdown]

returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like

Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not

really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic

does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig

just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree

okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here

3x03:

kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)

building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time

since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"

3x09:

so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now

re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled

he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here

but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well

3x11

he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so

first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.

2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.

guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this

noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you

definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"

by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.

4x03

i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol

talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response

first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so

he's autistic

4x08

here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them

he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy

love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five

4x11

having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!

also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol

don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for

always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses

winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/

4x12

i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people

do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol

first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again

as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12

5x01

he likes bagels

think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"

even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here

5x02

winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol

do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown

guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold

always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift

5x03

just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment

i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb

5x04

see that last point

5x05

guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them

oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)

just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...

one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well

love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol

when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol

meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳

also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé

5x06

this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec

also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol

5x07

the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol

and now for some more free floating / general concepts

family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close

i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know

but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections

oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't

always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/

recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world

maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol

speaking of, some vague sexy hcs

gets pegged

especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to

hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging

taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....

always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for

just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)

although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....

think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny

oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people

well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here