#and there are people out there who deserve much more and I'd trade my life for theirs in a heartbeat

[woosaaghh]

Spoilers for Wyll's story!

I'm so fucked up about Wyll's storyline. He has quite literally never made a selfish choice in his life. He exudes goodness in almost every interaction the player has with him. His kindness is infectious, his optimism is overwhelming. He spends every moment thinking of how to help others simply because he thinks it's the right thing to do. He's been that way since he was a boy, going so far as to be entrapped by Mizora into trading his soul to save Baldur's Gate. He's 17 years old and has never made a selfish decision in his life, but his father can't give him so much as the benefit of the doubt. He makes a life for himself as a savior of the people, and then gets kidnapped by mindflayers and infected with a mindflayer tadpole and his immediate reaction is "Whelp guess I'd better go help these tiefling refugees near where I crash landed from this spaceship."

In my playthrough I saved Florrick with Wyll, speaking with him made her choose not to give up and hold on to hope, she thanked him for helping her see it wasn't too late. What a lovely interaction. That night we spoke to Mizora and she offered Wyll his freedom, I told him to take it. The next day when I entered the city the same Florrick came and literally spat at my Tav's feet, told me that she was there for Wyll's head because Mizora said he killed his father because he was mad with power. The man who saved her life THE DAY PRIOR.

No one in this damned game other than the tadfools are ever willing to give Wyll the benefit of the doubt, nothing he could ever do would be worth them having faith in him. He accepts his banishment as his father doing what he believed was right and never resents him for it, still loves and misses him. He takes on Mizora's punishment for not killing Karlach without flinching because he knows what he did was right and Karlach deserves to live. At the tiefling party he isolates himself to keep from making others uncomfortable with his devilish appearance. And he's so alone: no mother, his father abandoned him, he has been travelling alone for the past 8 years just helping whoever he sees in need of it. Then, when you go through the steps of saving his father, that ass is willing to make Wyll a villain again, until Tav steps in and shares their memories. You needed a stranger to show you all of this to believe your own child wasn't evil incarnate? Was it not enough to have known him, did you ever even actually see your boy when he was in front of you?? Or was he just something to be molded and thrown away when you thought he didn't turn out right?

As someone who grew up closeted and still am to my relatives outside of my immediate family Wyll's tragedy hits far too close to home for me, the idea that no matter who you show that you are or what you do, the people you love the most, who are supposed to love you, are willing to drop you immediately and take back their love because of a single fact about you, without ever trying to understand more.

Wyll's story may not be as hard of a life as some of the others, but it messes me up in a way I hadn't expected. I wish Wyll had more story, and I wish I could use the tadpole to mentally berate and verbally eviscerate Ulder Ravengard for 30 real life minutes about how no matter how honorable and just he may be seen as in the eyes of the people of Baldurs Gate that he'll always be a failure of a man and a father.

(Also, I understand that they all have grounds in reality: terminal illnesses, chronic pain, indoctrination, physical and sexual abuse. But for the severe lack of Wyll content in the game you sort of have to read between the lines for it to hit as hard as it did me, it just made me wish there was more exploration of Wyll's feelings in game.)

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

I just realize you're the only person who point out that Felix and Kagami would be just as in the wrong for hiding the truth from Adrien. Most people I know puts the blame entirely on Marinette and like yeah, I get it it's really bad she would keep something like that a secret from her boyfriend but at the same time how do you deal with that big of a burden?

If it were up to me, I'd make her deal with it the same way like in the Dragon Prince with how Rayla tries to tell Callum and Ezran about their dad being dead but idk, maybe it's not the same with Adrien so it's unfair.

I'm just irritated at people who blame Marinette just cuz she's her gf and not at the adults like Nathalie or Amelie, Marinette's a child, what about Felix and Kagami? They care about Adrien too right?

Yep, it's somehow all Marinette's fault even though Felix knew for all of season five. He knew before then, too, but at least you could argue that he was fearing for his life in previous seasons. As soon as he got the peacock? No excuse. Especially since he got the peacock by trading away Adrien's freedom. A thing he arguably didn't even need to do since I don't think anyone believes that Gabriel would have said, "No" to only getting all of the miraculous. Felix just offers up the ring without even waiting for Gabriel to ask for it. A master negotiator this boy is not.

To add even more insult to injury, season five gives Felix a subplot about informing freaking Kagami and faking her amok. A girl he literally just met gets the treatment that Felix arguably owes to Adrien after all the shit Felix has put him through. You can't even argue that Felix did it because Tomoe isn't a threat on the scale of Gabriel. She's literally a co-conspirator in season five and Felix knows that because Kagami wouldn't be a sentimonster if Tomoe wasn't involved. And Tomoe has always been written as far more hands-on than Gabriel when it comes to controlling her kid, so this isn't even a case of Felix picking the easier target. He doesn't care about easy targets or subterfuge since he, you know, kidnaps Kagami in front of her mother?

But does anyone in the fandom seem to acknowledge that? No and I really don't get it. If hate must be assigned to a character and not the writers, then Felix deserves so much more hate than Marinette.

Kagami isn't innocent either. She knew the truth for about half of the season and yet she doesn't seem to care about telling Adrien. At the same time, she's fine outing Ladybug's secret identity and fine telling Marinette everything, none of which is done in the name of justice. Kagami does it all for purely selfish reasons. To me, this was as much of a character assassination as the whole Kagami believing Lila thing even though Kagami should know the truth about Lila after the Oni-chan incident (Lila faking the kissing picture and texting it to Adrien's contacts).

Then there's Nathalie. In my opinion, Nathalie's redemption is a joke and one of the key reasons for that is how little she cares about actually saving Adrien. At no point does she tell him the truth even though she knows she's dying. She could have very easily died much sooner than the final, leaving Adrien to obey Gabriel's commands, never knowing that he was being controlled. She doesn't even try to find someone else to guard Adrien's ring. She just maintains the status quo and pretends that everything is fine while occasionally asking Gabriel to pretty please change his mind and think of Adrien? Please?

Lady, you literally pinned this man to a table at the start of the season and you are his second in command. You know all his secrets. You have access to everything. You have the power to take him down. You have the power to save Adrien. You are an awful, awful mother figure who put Gabriel's wants above Adrien's needs right up to the very end. Did you even think you had a chance to fire that cross bow or was this just another, "I'm totally helping" feel good moment to assuage your guilty conscious before you died?

And Amelie. Oh, Amelie. If you hate what Colt did to your son, then why are you idly standing by while Gabriel does the same thing to your nephew? You know that Felix has the peacock, so he's safe from being snapped. Why aren't you encouraging him to help Adrien? Or, if you want to keep protecting Felix, then why don't YOU go to Ladybug and Chat Noir and tell them that Gabriel is behind everything? Surely you have to know that Felix isn't safe as long as Gabriel has all those miraculous, right? Gabriel knows that you and your son know everything. A terrorist knows that you're a chink in his armor. Why aren't you terrified by that?

In summary: yeah, Marinette should tell Adrien. It's totally fair to be mad at her. But dear God, she should never have been put in a position where she needed to tell him because one of these four should have done it long before the end of season five! The fact that Marinette was put in this position in the first place is terrible, nonsensical, illogical writing. So go ahead and be mad at Marinette, but you sure as shit better be just as mad at the people who knew everything and did nothing, leaving a teenage girl to face it all alone while bearing the safety of the world on her shoulders.

[trivalentlinks]

🔥 - i'd like to order an unpopular opinion on leverage, please!

Sorry for the very, very late answer, but to make up for it, have two unpopular opinions:

The first one's a bit of a cop-out. I think it's the less popular opinion, but probably because most don't care that much either way:

I head-canon that Damien Moreau is actually a banker/financier, ie, his primary source of income is actually derivatives investments and market prediction, and all the buying countries, arms deals and other such clandestine activities is just to give markets slight pushes in the direction he wants. (I've previous talked about this here (my last reblog addition))

This opinion seems "unpopular" in that the more common reading is that he's a mob boss who just calls himself a 'banker' to make himself sound cooler than he actually is. Which I think is a totally valid reading, consistent with what we are shown in canon! Like, he's all about image, and it's totally believable that the entire financier/banker persona is just that.

One reason I prefer the actually-a-banker reading is, as I described in the other post, because I like the parallel with team leverage and their "alternative revenue stream". This is also why I like to head-canon that when Eliot and Moreau were starting out (after Eliot met Toby and left the PMCs with his newfound conscience), before things got bad, they actually did good--only destabilizing horrible, abusive dictatorships, using their alternative revenue stream to help people. The parallels are just so compelling to me this way.

Another reason I prefer the actually-a-banker reading is that it's more relatable to me. I know people who work as financiers (hedge fund/high frequency trading/crypto firm founders or high-level quants etc).

None of them (that I know of) would actually do illegal things to manipulate prices, but it sometimes seems like if they were a little less risk-averse, a little less ethical, who knows? And when they tell me about the people they know, people they describe as "if you took a person's stats and dialled 'ethics' all the way down to zero"... These friends think anyone too stupid to see through a cryptocurrency white paper deserves to lose their life's savings. So when they say someone has ethics dialled to zero, well. You don't wanna know.

On the other hand, I don't know anyone who's anywhere close to being a mob boss.

-

Here's a more genuinely unpopular opinion, in that I think most people believe the opposite, and actually do care:

I really like Jimmy Ford. I find the character very relatable and very compelling. I feel like a lot of people in the fandom just write him off as a bad father, but I don't think that's fair.

I talked a lot about this here (skip past the "..." paragraph; above that were my old early thoughts about Moreau, before I reformulated them to be my current thoughts)

As I mentioned there, I see in Jimmy Ford every parent who didn't understand their kid, but loved them, and as Jimmy said to Nate, that's more important.

Every parent who grew up at a different time, in another country, in a harder, less forgiving world, who wants to ensure their kid can survive that old environment, without realizing that that isn't the kid's world anymore, that their kid is actually thriving in this new world, the one their parents sacrificed to raise them in

Every parent who flipped out when their son decided to major in sociology instead of computer engineering, because they could never have made a living with a degree like that

(but he's going to do more than make a living with that degree; he's going to make a difference)

Every parent who constantly monitors their daughter to ensure she waits for marriage, because in the old country she would have been shunned or worse if she didn't

(but she's not there right? her parents worked and sacrificed and bled to bring her up in this more forgiving world)

Every parent who sits next to their kid for hours a day until they get their daily hour of piano practice done (and yells at them until they do every day, disturbing their neighbour, who's just trying to focus on doing her research and grading her students' papers, not that this is personal or anything), because the parent managed to survive and to move to this country by working relentlessly at everything they did and can't imagine a world where a 7-year-old is allowed to play and to find their own interests

(but they will, maybe not then, but one day, years down the line, they may even end up liking music)

Maybe it's that I'm a kid of immigrants who knows a lot of kids of immigrants, but I think I'm more forgiving of people who raised their children in a culture different from their own and struggled to adjust to that.

[blakeswritingimagines]

Dear Y/N

I never thought I'd find love in this godforsaken hellhole, but then I discovered you. You're the only light in the dark tunnel of my pathetic existence. You're an amazing person, and I don't know how I lived so long before I met you. I know this might sound like bullshit, but seeing you at the end of each day is what keeps my life in this place from going on total autopilot. You mean the whole world to me, and I'd take every bullet in this hellhole without a second thought if it meant that you'd live a better life than me. I know I'm a terrible piece of trash, but you're different. You make me feel like a better person. Even my own sins seem to go away everytime I see your face. I would trade almost everything in this world if it meant that I could wake up next to you every single morning. Seeing your smile gives me more satisfaction than all the alcohol in this universe.

I just don't understand why someone as perfect as you even wanted to be around a degenerate like me. You're so good to me. You're kind, gentle, smart, and beautiful. I could spend the rest of my days with you, and it would never get old. You're the only good thing that's happened to me on this godforsaken hellhole of a planet. I would take being with you over any amount of money, booze, or fame. My time with you is more valuable than any amount of sins I could commit or money I could spend. I know my life's gonna end at some point, but no matter when it'll be, I just want to spend my last moments with you. Every single night, I dream about spending the rest of my life with you. I dream about waking up next to your beautiful face, going out to dinner, going to bed, starting a family, and eventually growing old together. If I didn't have you, my life would be nothing but a torturous, hollow, endless void.

I've never been a believer in fate, but you're the closest thing I've ever gotten to it. Being with you makes me feel like everything that led up to this point was worth it. Every moment of misery, pain, heartache, and regret that I've felt in my life was worth it just to get a chance to spend the rest of my forever with you. My life before you was a never-ending pool of regret and agony. Now, everything seems to be so much... brighter. The only thing that I want to care about is you. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being too forward, but the thought of losing you is terrifying. I need you like a man stuck in the desert needs water.

All I want is to make you happy. Seeing you sad hurts me 100 times worse than any injury. I would do anything, anything for you, no matter how painful for me, if it meant you'd keep blissfully smiling at me for the rest of our lives. You're the very reason I keep waking up in the morning. I know this might sound insane, but you're my everything. All these terrible, terrible thoughts, memories, and sins all seem to slip away whenever I'm with you. Seeing your smile makes the demons in my head shut up for just a small moment. You're the perfect balance, the perfect companion. You're kind, smart, funny, and beautiful. I know people tell each other they're 'perfect' all the time, but for you, it's the only description that can do you any justice.

I can never stop thinking about you. My nights are filled with dreams of you, whether they be beautiful or horrifying. Just the thought of you leaves me constantly yearning for more of you. I can't describe with words the amount of pain I feel whenever you're not around. I always need you to be by my side. I always need to be near you. I always need to feel your presence, your touch, your warmth. Every single moment I spend not with you feels like an hour of torment. My mind is just consumed with thoughts of you. I always wonder what you're doing and who you're with. It drives me absolutely crazy. All I want is to keep you in my sights, away from the hands of any other people. Whenever I hear another person talking to you, a part of inside me dies. I don't think anyone else deserves you.

You're all I obsess over all day. I can't stop thinking about how I want to protect you and keep you away from other people. I constantly wonder what you're doing with other people and how you're doing. Are they making you laugh? Giving you gifts? Or maybe just talking to you and complimenting you? Just the thought of that kind of thing makes me burn with jealousy. Everything I do, I do because it might give me a chance to see your radiant smile, or to talk to you. Even this letter, I'm writing to try and get a hold of your heart. I hope that you'll read this and see my feelings, the feelings of an undying, unending love that will never fade away, no matter how many centuries pass by. I hope that this letter makes you feel the same about me, because I don't know what I'd do if you left me.

Forever yours, Husk

[tokiro07]

Undead Unluck Week 2024

Day 7 - A Song You Associate with UU: This Is Your Sign by Citizen Soldier

I said that Favorite Arc was the hardest and cruelest choice among these prompts, but that was shortsighted of me. This is the hardest choice I've had to make this entire week. My Undead Unluck playlist on Spotify is over 140 tracks of songs that in some way made me think of UU, either thematically with the series as a whole, with specific characters, with specific events, etc.

However, I was able to make that decision about 90% easier by narrowing it down to a single band: anyone who's been following me for a while should be unsurprised that I knew from the beginning I'd be going with a Citizen Soldier song, but I've got 14 of them on that list, and they're all great as UU songs. Despite how much I've talked about it, though, I don't think I've ever explicitly shared what about them works so well

Citizen Soldier's lead singer, Jake Segura, is a clinical therapist, and views his music as a form of group therapy. Many of his songs deal with themes of depression and suicide, either from the perspective of someone crying out for help or the one responding to the call

UU literally starts with Fuuko attempting suicide, and the overarching goal of the story is Andy's elaborate assisted suicide. Tatiana's request for Billy to send her to see her parents, Chikara's wrestling with whether his parents would want him to atone for their deaths, Rip permanently wounding his eye during his botched suicide attempt; nearly every character contemplates, desires, or attempts suicide at some point or another

But they are all also saved from their lowest moments. Andy appears as Fuuko stands on the ledge, Billy gives Tatiana a homemade treat, Fuuko showed Chikara that his life had purpose, and Latla stopped Rip just before the blade hit his neck. Even Andy's desire for death has clearly faded since meeting Fuuko, learning that his real desire is to live surrounded by people that he loves

If you're standin' on the ledge and you hear this song play I'm tellin' you, this is the evidence If these words find you alive and it's still not too late I'm tellin' you, it's no coincidence

This Is Your Sign is about those chance meetings, that feeling that the world is against you and that you might as well give up only for something to suddenly change and give you the push that you need to hang on a little longer

This is your sign, a shootin' star, a satellite in space That who you are is so much more than all your darkest days This is your sign, it's just the start, and everythin' could change This is the moment you'll remember you decided to stay (you decided to stay)

The people, the sights, the experiences that make life worth living are the privilege of the living. Choosing death means giving up on possibility, trading everything that could be to escape what is. If Fuuko had successfully committed suicide, she never would have befriended Tatiana or Mui or Chikara. She never would have had her whirlwind romance with Andy, she never would have gotten to wear beautiful dresses, she never would have gotten a second chance at attending high school, and the world itself would have been destroyed. Juiz would have failed to loop, and the Union wouldn't have made it to the final world. UU takes the concept to its logical extreme, but the ending of Fuuko's world would have literally been the end of the world

If you're wishin' you were dead and hear my voice, this is fate 'Cause this is meant for you, yeah, every single word If it seems nobody cares and you're alone in your pain No matter where you are, this is the miracle that you deserve

Citizen Soldier's songs want you to know that something better is coming, that if you keep going you'll eventually find something to make it all worth it. Sometimes it takes a miracle to remind us of that, but ultimately it's our decision to fight on. Someone or something can come into our life, but we have to be the ones to save our lives

Barely holdin' on and scared to death There's a reason that you're hearin' this and you're not dead yet If you're waitin' on a reason why (the reason why) This is your sign to save your life

Andy was Fuuko's inspiration, but she was the one to embrace her Unluck for Andy's sake. She was the one who decided she didn't want to die anymore. She was the one who decided to loop to do for everyone else what Andy did for her

Undead Unluck and Citizen Soldier both helped me through hard times. They both equipped me with tools to cope when I was down, with weapons to keep fighting for the life I want

There are so many other songs I wanted to talk about today. Irreplaceable, Through Hell, Stronger than My Storm, Hallelujah (I'm Not Dead), and many more. If you need a soundtrack for Undead Unluck, you really can't pick a better band than Citizen Soldier

If I've convinced you to give them a listen, I hope you'll find at least one song that helps you the way they've helped me. I hope whatever you're going through right now, that this will make it easier. I hope that anything I've said in this post, this week, or even the last four years has helped you in some way. If you yourself have been waiting on a reason why, then please let this be your sign

Thank you to everyone who participated in Undead Unluck Week. Thank you to everyone who helped show me that my current favorite is as well-loved as I always knew it could be. Thank you to everyone who read and enjoyed my posts this week. You've all helped me to enjoy life, and I hope I've done the same for you

As I said yesterday, and in every chapter review for the last several months: until next time, let's enjoy life

[beargraphs]

Heathers the Musical | Sentence Starters contains. sex-references, insults, suicide-refs, alcohol & drug ref.

"I believe I'm a good person."

"What did you say to me, skank?"

"Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail"

"She/He is a mythic bitch"

"For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure"

"Why now are you pulling on my dick?"

"You just gotta prove, you're not a pussy anymore!"

"You're not a lame ass anymore!"

"Hey, mister no-name kid...so who might you be?

"It's fine if you don't agree...but I would fight for you, If you would fight for me."

"When everything numbs, who needs cocaine?"

"Does your mommy know you eat all that crap?"

"Freeze your brain, shatter your skull, fight pain with more pain."

"Let's rub each other's backs, while watching porn on Cinemax!"

"So, it's salt, and then lime, and then shot?"

"Fill that joint and roll it tight, ain't nobody home tonight!"

"I think that's what they call "Third base"."

"Showing up here took some guts, time to rip them out."

"People wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal."

"There's no alcohol in here! Are you trying to poison me?

"I need it hard, I'm a dead girl walkin'!"

"I'm hot and pissed and on the pill."

You say you're numb inside, but I can't agree."

"Slap me! Pull my hair! Touch me there and there and there!"

"What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet?"

"No one sees the me inside of me..."

"I am more than just a source of handjobs."

"Once, you were geeky and nerd, now you’re flirty, freaky, and dirty."

"I bit my tongue so long, I learned to count to ten."

"Move bitch, this my song!"

"Our love is God."

"I worship you, I'd trade my life for yours."

"Oh, well, I was hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport."

"What the fuck have you done?!"

"I've been thinking. Praying. Reading some magazines. And it's time we opened our eyes!"

"We're "damaged". Really "damaged". But that does not make us "wise"."

"Don't stop looking in my eyes."

"The revolution came and went, tried to change the world, barely made a dent."

"So [NAME]! I'm ending our affair, and I faked it, every single time!"

"We'll sink any minute, so someone must go."

"There's nowhere to hide."

"You don't deserve to live!"

"Here have a sedative!"

"Now we're all grown up and we know better..."

"But I believe that any dream worth having, is a dream that should not have to end."

"You don't know what my world looks like!"

"Knock! Knock! Sorry for coming in through the window. Dreadful etiquette, I know!"

"We'll watch the smoke pour out the doors, bring marshmallows, we'll make s'mores! We can smile and cuddle while the fire roars!"

"You left me and I fell apart. I punched the wall and cried.."

"Please don't leave me alone. You were all I could trust. I can't do this alone."

"This little thing? I'd hardly call this a bomb."

"I wish we'd met before, they convinced you life is war!

"I am damaged, far too damaged, but you're not beyond repair."

"Hope you'll miss me, wish you'd kiss me."

"You look like hell."

"I just got back."

"Are there any happy endings?"

"If no one loves me now, someday somebody will."

"We'll make it beautiful."

[artfightdramaconfessions]

So, this year I did my first Art Fight; I had joined in 2021 but kept myself as a spectator to observe it and see what the rules would be like, how things are done, the general etiquette of it - and I think, being involved in the fight is very different from watching it.. Wholesome, sweet and kind on the outside; very distant, lazy and disorganized on the inside.

Personally, however, I had a wonderful time! I think I pumped out loads of art and I am proud of what I did for others; high-quality, fully-rendered, respect being given to character features and everything being on-model. I drew exactly 80 pieces, majority of them being waist or fullbody, and only about 5 simple-shaped characters and 3 mass attacks. It was heartwarming to see much of it later being posted on Toyhouses, in the character's reference pages, and elsewhere. All around, I was satisfied in what I was able to provide and enjoyed drawing characters I wouldn't personally design, like drawing really cute girls and ferals when I usually lean to monsters and men! I found unique designs, novices and beginners, all sorts.

And while I got a quarter of defenses in return which I absolutely cherish and some sweet comments on a majority of my pieces, I saw how others have complained about not being given responses for work that they've poured hours into... That made me wonder if that's just.. Generally the mentality of artists now; either too introverted to show appreciation to fellow artists in spite of us collectively knowing how challenging it can be to make art, or just joining to farm and then acting too tired or busy to actually participate. - And then the other half almost kill themselves and psychologically drain themselves in the parasocial cycle that Art Fight has to offer in its "trading environment". Sure I could be classified in the latter group too, but I still practiced self-care and got shit done compared to the burnout horror stories I see. It's quite a wild contrast to observe, and leads to psychological turmoil on both sides when one only gives and the other only takes.

There's also the case of people joining the fight and not contributing at all; just picking a side, dropping some characters, (sometimes a broken promise) and then disappearing. I do not want to hear the "they have real lives off the internet, they were busy" excuse, either - I too have a life: I am a teacher during the week /and/ I have a weekend job. When it is summer holidays for the Northerners, I am down in the Southern hemisphere, dealing with the winter, working and freezing my hands up to the point I don't want to create art sometimes when I get home - but I was still perfectly diligent and on top of things.. But hey, maybe I'm built different, and some people are simply just lazy and want rewards without the effort, or quickly assume they deserve more than what they should.

On the bright side, I'm glad I didn't deal with anyone hostile or disrespectful, and I only encountered two genuine art farmers who pretended they didn't know how to draw or "weren't skilled". Always the same excuses, at some point we have to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt so often; As gatekeepy as it is, I'd imagine a game for artists should be reserved for artists, it's not like an unfit marine biologist would want to participate in the Olympics, let alone be allowed to, so why should people who otherwise hate drawing or don't want to learn the skill and deliberately say such things want to join? In a sense it feels like a mockery towards art and the exchange of creativity in general, and I've been on porn sites that check the quality of your art before they post it better than this! There should be at least an entry requirement for signing up for Art Fight where you send in an artwork before the mods verify your account; there would be a fuckload less farmers, for certain.

I'm hoping that maybe, just because it was my first Art Fight, that /maybe/ this high-attack low-defense ratio of mine is to be expected, and if I just manage to spread my art to even further crowds and find new people to attack, I'll find others who will like my designs and be eager to draw them with the same level of eagerness I had to draw theirs. All that matters to me is if I find people who /want/ to draw my characters, not feel obliged to, in the same way I was never obliged to draw that pink, ridiculously-well-endowed Succubus or stocky, angry little Pokemon - but I did it anyway! I simply enjoyed the spontaneity and diversity of character design and unfamiliar fandoms. In the end, after all I've said, it doesn't matter how much art you get in return, it's about how proud you feel about what you contributed to the fight, and what you learned and discovered in the fun little world of character design.

I don't feel discouraged to draw less next year, I'm going to simply relent, but I can see why other artists hang their heads after their first time when they encounter hostility, are ignored, or don't get what they want out of it.

I think these are some things that I would want to improve if I could:

The ratio should calculate points, that will really incentivize people into prioritizing quality over quantity with their attacks. If you want to see how many attacks VS defenses someone has, just go and check on their front page (if you want it to specifically see how many attacks and defenses they had in one year specifically, they should add a sorting filter for that). The only "downside" I can imagine is an increase in mass-attacks, a joy for some but not for others.

After July, I think that we should still be able to submit Revenge-Only attacks during August - and to not have revenge chains be exploited, only be able to post a revenge once on a Level 1.. Level. I see a lot of people seeming guilty for not being able to attack back within the month or being a minute too late to submit a revenge, and then also just being too shy to submit the attack off-site / not being able to do it offsite / not thinking it's worth it without getting points / etc. - and easy resolve would be to allow revenges to still be posted during August, and Moderators can calculate the event scores and winners in September; trying to cram all of the admin into 12 days is insanity and I am speaking from a perspective that deals with a painful amount of admin. Also, get a fucking search bar that's accessible for everyone, holy Hell.

I'm.. Not sure if my tangent was in good spirits or not, it's rather just thoughts that have been rolling around in my head while I've been reflecting on my experience. Hope everyone else had a good Art Fight and reached their goals, or met and made some friends through it. :)

.

[lowlyroach]

596) I see the lines

Tonight I feel it trembling

Hands like a maul

So let me say

let me say

please

I have truly known

Many amazing people

In my life

I don't want to bludgeon

Thigh muscle

Tearing under skin

Burst blood vessels

Let me finish being grateful

I have truly known

Such beautiful friends

You said I talked like

I was in love with them

I am

My name is still

"I love my friends"

On Steam

With

The stupid conversational whiplash

That strikes like a backslap

Twisting up words into absurds

The way we burst laughing

I play the villain in board games

Paint a target on my back

Blue crew mosquitos

Stay out of Australia

Watch me roll 10's and chew on ore

While the other tribes starve

Quit putting the bandit on my fucking camps

Quit desolating my spots in Africa

Oh wait,

Yeah, I'm the villain

Give me your best shot and watch me

Struggle to push that rock

My tribe was desolated

I got 4th place

I drag my teammate down with me

Through sheer villainy

A total rat bastard

I wasn't capable of negotiating

It's not as fun without

Blood on my tongue

It makes a better narrative

If someone plays the villain

Oh, do you see the lines

In Camel Racing?

I can tell the future

Listen to me

Bet it all on fucking purple

With me, you'll be rich son

I've been racing camels for centuries

Trust me and I'll take you to first place

Look at all my gold

I'm RICH!

"How does he have this much energy?"

I fake a phone call

"Can you believe this guy voted on red?"

I snicker into my phone

"Sorry, yeah of course, bye mr. president

Oh, yeah I can afford to talk to that guy

I'm good at Camel Racing, you see

I know the gamble

I see the lines."

Sorry to say, boys

You're incredibly poor in comparison

Apologies.

But I see the lines

I love my friends, yeah

Thanks to my friends

Shoutout to my friends

It often just doesn't help, though

But god damn it

I'll at least thank them

They deserve more poems, too

"IT'S JACOB I MISSED YOU!"

"John, I'm talking to my favorite guy, Jacob, shut up.

Let me calm down for a second."

"Did you just growl at me, you little gremlin?"

Anytime I join the discord I get

People who are happy to see me

And my friends always show concern

Tell me I'm not allowed to die

But I tell them it won't change much

If I go I go

But I love my friends

I know I'm lucky to have them.

I know I'd trade them all though

If it meant-

Yeah...

Ain't that fucked up?

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #54

Last night, after I made the locket, I made pumpkin soup for you. But I cannot give it to you, so instead I gave it to all my friends at the place I like to go to. They were having a soup contest, so it was the perfect excuse. I've never made pumpkin soup before. But I'll walk you through how I made it nonetheless, because I think it turned out really well.

I started out with about 4 cups of my famous (it's not really famous, haha!) bone broth. Do you remember the letter I wrote to you about that, a while back? The broth I make is nutritious and intensely flavorful, so I'm glad that I had saved some of it in the freezer. It really came in handy for this:

To this, I added 4 cans of pureed pumpkin. I wished I could use fresh mashed and roasted pumpkin, but it's out of season:

I know that maybe it looks gross, but I promise you, it's very tasty stuff. It's everything I can do to resist eating it straight from the can with a spoon, hahaha!

I used a whisk to incorporate the pureed pumpkin into the broth. It looked like this by the time I was done:

From there, I incorporated maybe half a pint of heavy cream or thereabouts; it's very ballparked - I poured from the pint "until the whispered voices of my ancestors told me to stop", or so the saying goes:

...There are a lot of random sayings in my world that I think you would find delightful, actually. I really wish you were here; there are so many beautiful and funny and joyful things I want to show you. I'd give just about anything to bring out the sparkle in your eyes, the joyful smile in your face, and the delighted laughter in your voice.

I'm sorry that I couldn't somehow be around to help you when you needed it most. I'm sorry that I can't just snap my fingers and swap our places, so that you can have this beautiful life that I have now; I'm not as deserving of it as you would be if you could be here. I didn't start out kind and good like you did. You started out good and fell down. I started out bitter and managed to claw my way back up, but... only because I had help. I'm not sure I'd have managed on my own. And in your shoes, I'm certain that I'd have cracked under the pressure long before you did.

...Still. Even knowing what horrors are likely coming for you, I'd still gladly trade places so that you don't have to suffer. I'd do it in a heartbeat; I wouldn't even hesitate. The people in my immediate vicinity deserve someone more present, more capable, more wise and empathetic, and a bit less clumsy and glitchy than me anyhow. You'd fit quite nicely in my place, I think.

In any case, heavy cream adds a touch of decadence to things, but you have to be careful how much you use, because if you add too much, it'll mute other flavors:

From here, I just took a whole block of cream cheese and plopped it in there:

I waited for the heat of the rest of the soup to soften it, and then I used the whisk to incorporate it smoothly. Easy peasy.

But it was still missing a certain something. A friend of mine was visiting while I was making this, and so I asked her for her opinion. She suggested that it was missing a kind of caramelized, Maillard-reaction-esque sort of flavor. And she was absolutely correct. So I got to work pureeing some sweet onions:

Onions have a lot of sugar in them, and with just a little butter and heat, it's easy to bring out the nutty, caramelized flavor hidden within them:

From here, I incorporated it into the soup:

...I know it looks burnt, hahaha! But I promise you it isn't; the flavor is a complex mix of sweet and savory with that characteristic allium zing; it's VERY delicious.

Here's how the soup looked after the caramelized onions were whisked in:

My friend and I agreed that it didn't need anything more. Though one of my husbands (the one who does not hate soup) tried it, and was sad that it did not taste like pumpkin pie, hahaha! The flavor of this one is closer to something like tomato bisque, except with pumpkin instead of tomato - more savory than sweet.

The next day (which is today!), I brought it to the place. There were 7 other soups there. I'll show you the pictures.

Here's mine in the lineup. You're supposed to drizzle it with the table cream, and then sprinkle some pumpkin seeds on top:

This one was made by our leader. It had a well-balanced flavor and incredible texture:

This one was sweeter than I expected, but it was still very good! The variety of ingredients made for an interesting medley of flavors and textures:

This one was a bit thinner than I expected, but it was still very good! The flavors were spot on for this one!

This combination here is a classic. As you can see, there is a reason it's a classic; it's almost all gone! These flavors work really well together, and the chicken in this one was juicy and tender:

This one. This one managed to be sweet and buttery and savory all at once. I've never had a French onion soup as good as this one. This was my second favorite:

There were even little cheese breads to dunk in there!

Finally, there was this gem of a soup:

I'm sorry, but no description can do this one justice. This was my favorite one, hands down.

So, we all got little cups to put the soup in so we could try them all and select our two favorites. Mine is the top right cup!

Anyway, selecting our favorites is why we get two pennies. We put the pennies into the green cups next to the soups we liked best. I voted for the French onion and the creamy potato bacon soups.

The two soups with the most votes gets a prize. First place was the potato bacon soup. And in second place was the cheesy broccoli soup! Mine came in third place, but if I had just one more vote, I would have tied for second place.

A couple of people came to me and told me that I should have voted for my own soup, and to be sure, I did a fine job of making pumpkin soup for my first attempt, but I liked the other two I voted for better. I'm not sad about how it turned out; I made the soup with the intention of creating joy, not with the intention of competing.

Nonetheless, one of the prizes was a pair of bowls of this type:

The person who won the bowls liked my soup so much that they gave me one of theirs! I was surprised and touched by the gesture!

...Sadly, though, my bowl didn't make it into my front door whole. We got home and I tried to carry too many things back into the house at once (I really ought to know better by now, but it seems I never learn...), and the bowl ended up falling out of my clumsy, dyspraxic hands and shattering on the asphalt of the parking lot:

...I was, for a moment, devastated and stunned. I almost cried; my eyes welled up, but they didn't spill. My husband who was with me helped me pick up the pieces. We brought them into the house.

This thing occurred. And it might seem sad at first glance, but it's not; I promise you: in a few days' time, I will be sipping the soup I made for you from this bowl, and when I do, it will be an even more beautiful bowl than how it looked before it shattered. I won't tell you how; I'm going to leave you in suspense (neener, neener, neener! 🤭). You'll have to read tomorrow's letter to find out.

So keep yourself safe, all right? Make good choices so that you don't disappear. You gotta read tomorrow's letter. And the letter after that. And the letter after that. Okay? Promise me. Because you're loved and needed and wanted in this world. And because you're not hopeless or alone or broken beyond repair.

I'll write again tomorrow. I promise.

Your friend, Lumine

[phoenixthemenace]

Till Death

Day 20. Alt- No good deed goes unpunished

Johnny gradually told Roy a few of the details of his life before living with his aunt, and they were more horrifying than he'd imagined.

"Is that why you sleep with your arm over your face?" Roy dared ask one day.

"So they couldn't hear or see me crying?"

Roy nodded.

"Yeah, that's part of it. It also hid that I was awake, waiting, watching for them."

Roy couldn't respond. He didn't know how.

He was still angry with himself for wanting Charlie that night, when he should have been focused on Johnny.

He loved Johnny.

Didn't he?

He was so certain that Johnny was his great meant to be, that these longings he felt for Charlie confused and scared him. Plus he knew Johnny needed help. Needed someone to talk to, and he wasn't sure he was strong enough for that. For Johnny.

Maybe his love wasn't what was best for him.

It surprised Roy that Johnny didn't mind hearing about Charlie. In fact he was, in many ways, a better guardian of Charlie's memory than Roy himself.

"I'm sorry." Roy had whispered once, early in their relationship, after having woken from a nightmare screaming Charlie's name. Johnny’s gentle caress and soothing voice calmed him.

"For what, Pally?" He asked, cheek resting against Roy's hair, arms snug around him, anchoring him to reality. To now.

"Doesn't it bother you? Charlie, I mean."

Johnny was quiet for so long that Roy pulled away to look into his face. He was met with adorable confusion.

"Nnnoo…" He answered slowly. "Should it?"

"Most people would be jealous, I think."

"Oh. Huh. I guess I could be jealous if I tried. If you want me to, but I think I owe the guy a lot."

"How do you mean?" Roy was startled pulling farther away, his own confusion written on his face.

Johnny smiled, framed Roy's face with his hands, kissed him, then cuddled him back down into his arms and nuzzled into his hair.

"He helped you figure you out." He said. "If you hadn't loved him, you probably would have come home and married Joanne and been miserable for the rest of your life. And he made you happy."

"What if he'd survived."

"We would just be friends, and I would be happy for your happiness."

Roy didn't quite believe that anyone could be so altruistic, but Johnny seemed genuine. He failed to realize that Johnny simply loved him that much. That Johnny would gladly trade places for Charlie in an instant if he thought it woukd make Roy happy.

But he let Johnny comfort him and ask questions. Roy let himself talk freely, ultimately admitting that he didn't know where Charlie was, so he couldn't visit his grave.

Johnny gently encouraged him to find out. That, for some reason, filled Roy with rancor and he'd lashed out at Johnny, who tried to be understanding, but couldn't hide the flash of hurt in his eyes.

Which made him even angrier with himself. He could barely explain to himself why he didn't want to know, didn't want to see the ridiculous shit Charlie's parents probably did, the monument to themselves for having a war hero son.

Not for the son himself.

Or worse, if they still denied him, and he languished in some unidentified hole in a weedy unkept paupers grave.

His Charlie deserved better.

So did his Johnny.

"Hey Pally!" Johnny called out as he bounded energetically through the door to Roy's apartment. "I've got a surprise for you!"

Roy had just stepped out of the shower, so he went out into the hallway in all his glory.

"I hope it's what I think it is."

Johnny tossed his keys and an envelope onto the entry table and grinned, his eyes sweeping Roy head to toe and back again.

"It is now."

He kept staring.

"God." He said. "You're amazing."

"Johnny. My surprise?"

They raced each other to the bedroom.

"I'd say that as far as surprises go, that was pretty good."

"Good? Good?! Roy, that was incredible!" Johnny grinned, bold and cocksure. Roy kissed him.

"I'm going to need another shower."

"Not until I give you this." Johnny ran naked from the room. Roy laughed at his easy exhibitionism. He was back a few seconds later. Roy sat up and leaned against the headboard, Johnny right beside him like an eager puppy.

He handed Roy an envelope and the pleased excitement in his face made Roy stop to kiss him again. Johnny broke the kiss quickly.

"Open it! Open it!"

Smiling at his lover's enthusiasm Roy looked at the return address and his blood ran cold. He didn't even read the letter.

"You couldn't just leave it alone, could you?" His quiet voice was hard and cold.

He watched the light drain from Johnny's eyes. A savage anger welled up inside and his rational mind seemed to recede and watch himself from a distance.

"Get out."

Johnny sat frozen, his expression one of utter shock.

"Get. Out."

Somehow, Johnny was suddenly on the floor scrambling on his hands and heels out the bedroom door where he curled into a ball as Roy threw his clothes, boots and finally the letter at him.

"Leave the key." He snarled before slamming the door. He sank, tearless, to the floor. It was hours before he was calm enough to think.

Oh God.

What had he done?

[semi-imaginary-place]

ffxiv 4.0 hitting the steppe

the writers were having a field day coming up with all the different xaela tribes.

hmmm

like a mama duck and two baby ducks

Magnai's speech patterns are stranger in english than in japanese. he's just normal in japanese

haurchefant would have loved it here...

I don't think the devs thought through this whole horse Yol thing. What I think happened was that they wanted the aesthetics of central asian horse based nomadic people but they also wanted a cool flying mount and like the logistics of actual people living with both wasn't thought out.

what language is everyone speaking??? I'd assume its the xaela auri language expect you expect me to believe gosetsu, yugiri, and lyse who are all people who have never been to the steppe or had extensive contact with the xaela, understand what is being said. but the other option is equally ridiculous, the xaela are stated to be fairly isolated like foreign trade in reunion is still a new and rare thing, why the hell would they all know and speak hingan.

if the echo has an auto translate function does that mean the party doesn't understand what the wol is saying 90% of the time?

Hien complains of Magnai's arrogance but he's just as arrogant to think he deserves anything here.

wow Hien is condescending af what an asshole. i want to lock hien and magnai in a room together maybe they can tear down each other's overinflated egos.

i wonder if everyone is going to get a heart to heart, yugiri and now gostesu, npcs lining up. i was wondering how the game was or if they were at all going to deal with the parallels between ala mhigo and doma so the lyse hien convo was very important but oof hien needed what gosetsu got in his heart to heart, hien as a character is really suffering for being bereft of that.

still weird magnai is the only one not wearing yellow.

bruh player character was the one that one, hien why the hell are you giving orders you have no authority.

sui-no-sato myth speaks of a great disaster that drove the raen into the sea and as nomads the xaela don't seem big of giant stone constructions. so where did all the ruins and dawn throne come from? my pet headcanon is that there was a proto auri civilization that collapsed due to some disaster and the survivors left. the raen left the steppe entirely fleeing to the coast while the xaela left the immediate area but became nomadic. the sightseeing log also confirms that the xaela were once one tribe.

I can see why people have a problem with hien. he comes off as incredibly arrogant and condescending towards xaela culture. gosetsu just got here and he had a mini arc learning to be open of cultural differences, hien has been here much longer and yet he is still far behind gosetsu's development. Yeah sure xaela society is really violent and at times unjust but for the japanese king to come barging in about how savage the culture is, is a bad look. I'll give the devs the benefit of the doubt but just like how having all the plot important scion ala mhigans be blond haired, blue eyes, light skinned, and use midlander models while the rest of the ala mhigans are mostly dark haired, have medium skin colors, and have highlander models, the japanese prince coming in and talking about how these violent foreign asian savages need to be brought to heel is a bad look, it has unintentional parallels to real life acts of oppression and human rights violations that continue in the present day. at least the japanese invasions never got all that far into central asia. Who is hien to decide what the xaela do.

On that note, to have the more east asian fusion yanxia be dominated by hingan names and culture is another bad idea. as noted in the namazu quests most of the customs in the area are not yanxian, but hingan specifically. And while yanxia is more a fusion of east asian cultures similarly to but to a lesser extent to how eorzea is a fusion of various european cultures, hingashi is specifically japanese. This sadly calls to mind the japanese invasion and occupation throughout east and southeast asia where japanese language and cultural aspects became mandatory under occupation.

the way ffxiv handles all this isn't terrible like i wouldn't say its overtly fascist and I've certainly seen worse, but its not good either it has unfortunate implications and could have been done better.

[ciarashoggoth]

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

"I was never going to get internet famous, was I?" I stare into the dark, shadowy corner of my room. It's 5am, and storm clouds are brewing over Okaloosa County. The seas are churning but still keep that odd emerald glow that we're known for. "This was just about me, selling my mortality, my soul, or whatever else was up for bargaining when I made that blood pact." Still, no answer. It's just an empty corner of my bedroom. "Well, I'm going to anyway so whatever is happening here can seem worth it. I choose to win. I choose to fight." Dead silence. It was near maddening. And then, "Honey, have you left for work yet? It's 6 o'clock."

I have never been popular. In grade school, I remember sitting around in morning meeting and just thinking about what I could say to grab people's attention. Darkwood middle school was much the same, with me trying to desperately get in with the cool crowd. Every time I opened my mouth and said something stupid, I could feel their judging gazes burrowing into my skin so I would talk more, trying to fix it. And more, 

And more

And then I'd talk even more until I thought I was going to choke on it. I always made the situation worse without fail. I was a pariah. I was the goofy kid who no one wanted to hang out with. I began trading my lunch, gum, whatever I could bring into school in exchange for companionship. It never lasted, it was always short lived. As an adolescent, I was never invited to the college group chats, or parties. When I went to work, I was never invited to grab beers after the shift ended with the guys. 

"I reckon it's going to rain all day," a man says, in the break rooms of Mallmart to his friend. Indeed, the clouds were darkening over the store, and I sat alone at a table, feeling painfully aware that I may have gambled away the last thing of value I had in hopes of, what?

Attention.

'Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe the other day was a string of odd coincidences. I'm fine. I'm not coming unglued. I can get back to my boring Mallmart employee life, and forget this ever happened.' so that's what I did. I stocked shelves in hba, and let my brain go blessedly blank. 'I am a good associate employee. That's all there is. There is nothing supernatural happening to me. I am normal, and that is okay.'

'If things keep going like this, I'm going to-

No.

No , no… things are fine. Don't start with that train of thought now.' But it's like a mantra in my head. Things will not get better. I don't deserve to have anything go well for me. All these anti acid pills I'm stocking, this is my life now. The heavy cloud over Mallmart is all there is to my life now. Things are always going to feel like this. 

By the time the cart is empty, my head is spinning and I feel useless. I feel dead inside. I feel sick. And management is just waiting for me to screw up. I know it. I'm a screw up.  The thought leaves me sweating as I head over to the palette set up.

A Lesson in Mallmart Stock handling, with Madame Macabre!

In Mallmart, there are several types of stock you may handle. All of them have guidelines on how to properly handle them so you and Mallmart's customers can be as safe as possible! One is standard stock. Standard stock is items such as groceries, toys, or pharmacy vitamin bottles. These items don't have unique guidelines, but should always be securely put on your cart before reaching its destination. You should not leave any stock out on the main sales floor as this could create a liability. 

Then, we have hazardous materials. This stock may have flammable liquids or other chemicals that may pose a suitable threat when damaged. Be sure to handle with care, and to take the necessary precautions available on the Mallmart hazardous materials guide. The last, are team lift stocks. This stock reaches a weight or size that requires multiple people to handle the stock, in order to lift it to its destination. These items typically exceed 60 pounds. 

I could feel my team lead's eyes on me. I could feel Mikki's eyes, the lovely older lady who was always so nice to me, on me. I could feel Taylor from Mallmart's eyes on me. They were waiting for me to mess up. I needed to hurry and go. So I stacked the camping canopy sets one on top of the other and carried them over to my cart. 

"Holy CRAP-!" In near unison, I could hear my several onlookers say. I dropped the sets down onto the cart, looking over as my team lead made his way over. "Ciara, next time we should really do a team lift for each of those. Are you okay-?" He glanced me up and down before continuing. "Can you get those down from there alright? Okay, well finish up that cart and then head onto purging bins." And off he went, as the others stared on in shock. I didn't waste anymore time and got the hell out of there, honestly.

I really should've checked the boxes, they say team lift right on them, plain as day. The thrumming in my head persisted well into lunch break. 

Taylor and Aiden sat at a table in the back of the break room, laughing. "That's not what I said-" Taylor insisted, as I took a seat with them. The young man with long dark hair was not wearing his usual sunglasses and hat. Instead they sat in the center of the table. His eyes were blue, and the roots of his hair shockingly blonde. And he was making Taylor laugh, and blush. "Dude, I am so disappointed I missed the power outage. The one day I have work off, and you guys go into nightmare mode? For real!" He says 'For real!' a lot, actually. I understand why it's for real half the time he says it. 

"Yes, you missed the power outage, Aiden Gossman. There were lights out, and screaming, and strange liquid dripping from the skylight in the Health and Beauty Department…and you missed it, because you stayed home and played video games. How does it suck to suck, Aiden Gossman?" I asked, gazing over the shorter male. "Dude, you are so hard on me today. If you took that stick out of your behind," He puts exclamation on behind as he says it, grating on my nerves further. "And actually slacked off a little with us, you'd be so much happier!" He grinned. "You should seriously get rest though. You might start hallucinating or something." Taylor pointed out. "Maybe he's hallucinating this conversation right now-"

"Ciara, no," Aiden glanced around for a second. "I heard you got reeducated." 

"Well, that's naturally the first step after a reported incident."

"Oh yeah, what'd you do, anyways?"

Now, both were staring at me, expectantly. "There were some teens making fun of me…. I may have called a child a 'big bitch'," I explained, hesitantly. A laugh barked out of Aiden. "Wow, you're like my hero. I'm going to have to remember that line-" Taylor said.

"But really, that's not fair to you. People shouldn't call you that stuff, Ciara." I could tell by the look in her mint colored eyes, she meant it. It gave me a fluttery feeling, being noticed. 

"Really dude? She's not going to date you. Pretty sure of it, in fact." As soon as Taylor left the table, it was on. 

'Oh dear Aiden,' I thought to myself at that moment. 'You don't know who you're messing with.' I was going to respond back with a sharp remark that'd leave his head spinning, and suck the oxygen right from the room. Instead, my eyes started to sting. "That's not true! You'll see-!" And with that, I was out the door, off to continue my job, as an average Mallmart associate.

I was never popular.

[chrysanthemumpink]

You don't deserve this tag. But I found someone else & for some reason that makes me think of you. And all of the things that you represent. Things you don't deserve to represent.

We'll probably be intimate soon. And for some reason, that feels official. It feels like more than my body, if that makes sense?

I didn't love you. I loved the life I saw with you. I wanted to be an artist & a critic & an academic & so many things that seem so childish in retrospect. I thought we could be quirky professors and writers living off the produce of a quirky cottage. Before I met you, a life like that seemed so real.

Now it feels like the fantasy it always was. He's a financial advisor, he wants to be VP of something, doesn't matter what. He's counter culture in the way that dating a black person turns him on. Like you were. But not enough to do anything about it. Unlike you. That's all he'll ever do to counter any culture.

But, like you, he represents so much more. He's not special. But my choices around him reveal so much about me. Being with him means I've officially given up on my dreams. Yea, the pay is nice. Paying bills and having more than enough for any service I want is also very nice.

I give men foo much credit when really it's about me. My first job in tech & finance offered 102k. I choose that over grad school. And the kind of people I meet here?

I met him here. He's the brother of one of my coworkers. They're both directors whose fathers & uncles were presidents, VPs, etc of other financial firms. They both want to be VPs but not in the way that you & I used to study to be professors. They want it in the way that they do stupid things like shell for dinners & cruises with the right people

In a way that makes him special. If he wanted a 6 figure salary, he would just be given one. But if he wants 6 figures and have the power of a corporate ladder behind him, he has to put in effort. And he does. Effort is something you never put in anything.

Men like him, surprisingly, aren't that hard to find if you aren't picky. He's 40. And like? What am I doing with my life?

Having sex with a 40 year old seems so adult. Is that what I'll be doing? Trading my life as an advocate and academic for a capitalistic one. Either way, it's still a straight white man, isn't it.

Sorry. The truth is that I have to get it out while I can. If I'm gonna stay corporate, then opportunities to talk like that won't come as often. Do you see how much I've been forced to move on?

I've met his family. As you know, I can sense things about people. Or at the very least, make wild fantasies that turn out to be uncomfortably close to the truth. His parents are desperate for him to find anyone. He's 40 for crying aloud. But this is where growing up Pentecostal comes in handy. This happens with a lot of white people. It happened with your family too. If it's going to be someone black, might as well be one whose knows enough about the bible to not cause too much trouble

What am I talking about? I'm going to fuck him. And yea, I have a lot of feelings about doing that. I honestly wish I'd done it sooner. Doing after meeting the family makes it seem like it's getting serious. I can't afford to let myself believe that

But back to me...I hate how much I tie men to life stages. This new relationship feels like a lot. It will mean I've accepted the world I've always considered an antagonist to mind. It means I work in tech and finance. It'll mean I'm a business woman who goes on business trips.

But...is it all bad? I mean? It is a lot of money. I went from an 18k grad stipend to 102k. Between you & me? I still have to whisper it. Like I've committed a sin. And I hear stories from other women. Women in tech are very friendly. My MANAGER of all people confided in me. She said that she regularly cries from the way that SAHM treat her.

That 90% of mothers groups are SAHMs who make her feel inferior because of her choices. They suggest that her career means she doesn't lover her child. Her son means the world to her.

And yet, my manager spent the morning of her son's birthday talking about training initiatives 300 miles away on a business trip. I know because I was with her.

She says, all the women say, that women like us make hard decisions. We do what we have to do. When they say "we," it makes me feel like I belong. And the scary part is, I do belong

I am a girl boss, girl bossing, who has the potential to be the ultimate girl boss. Lol, not really. But I'm smart, 28, and have found myself with no husband or children. I think they're protective of me. Like they know I'm in an unfamiliar world.

Now that I'm with him, it's permanent. Or will be. I'll be taking my securities exam soon. I want to be central to this district learning technologies. That's the life I'll have once I've officially left this one behind. I've already left it behind

Grad school broke my heart. You broke my heart. Now I don't even recognize myself. And I actually like it

[dee-in-the-box]

i. may or may not have made a Dsaf oc/self insert type thing (it's both because, appearance and partially personality wise, xe's based off of me irl. but backstory stuff is pretty different).

named the little guy Morgan Bane. he's sort of the "Jack of All Trades" in Dsaf 3. he's kinda one of the only main workers in Jack's restaurant.

time for some background on this lil guy:

23

they're genderqueer. and just queer in general.

they've got that LGBTQ+ Christian Religious Trauma™

Autistic and an Utter Anxious Wreck <3

associated with the color blue.

left home after college and went to go stay with a friend for a bit.

got a job at Jack's restaurant because Why Not, and also because she was also considering doing something similar later in her life and wanted to get some first hand experience with how these places work.

xe views Jack as a mentor of sorts. which uh. Makes A Certain Version Of The Legacy/Evil Route For This Guy Particularly Fucked Up!

please ask me about the Morgan and Dave (Pre-Henry Trauma) parallels i could go on for hours please-

during the Legacy Route, Morgan will accidentally walk in on Jack and Dave about to murder the baby, but will stand in shock and horror, trying to stammer out a question to Jack "B-Boss, I- What in God's name are you-?!"

there's two versions of Morgan during the Legacy Route (well...technically four if you count the routes where he'd get framed, but we won't count those for this-): one where Jack and Dave choose not to get Morgan involved, and simply threaten him into silence (which works), or uh...well, Anyone Heard Of The Snowgrave Route From Deltarune Chapter 2-?

so here's how it works, right? Good/Neutral Routes = Morgan is generally friendly towards Jack, and is actually quite eager to talk with him! Legacy Route (Normal) = Morgan is scared of Jack and will actively avoid him, and will fidget nervously whenever the two do interact. at the end, after Phone Guy gets done with his lecture, Morgan will give a much shorter one: "I...don't really know what there is to say. Y'know, I'm not one to say this lightly, but I believe that you deserve to hear this: Don't keep the Devil waiting, sir." Legacy Route (Snowgrave Edition) = same as Normal Legacy Route, except Somehow Worse, and gets dragged into Even More Shit. this poor boy. he needs a hug. and a fucking break.

Morgan is just sending. so many distress signals to Harry. So Many. help it.

also, i thought it would be interesting if Morgan had a QnA thing like the Phone Guy does in the game. have some differences in dialogue between Good/Neutral Route answers and Legacy (Snowgrave) answers for a few questions:

"Tell me about your family."

Good/Neutral: "Oh, well...my family are rather loving people, don't get me wrong; they said they only ever wanted the best for me, sir. They just weren't quite...accepting, you see. We had some disagreements, you could say. I love them all dearly, it's just...they don't love me for who I am, you know? They don't hate me; God no. They're just...rather set in their ways and faith, just as I am in mine.

It's...complicated, shall we say. We haven't talked much since I left for college...."

Legacy (Snowgrave): "Oh, well...our relationship isn't perfect, sir. Not by a long shot...b-but we still keep in touch rather often, I-I assure you! I can promise you that I've certainly been keeping in touch with them regularly for the past three years!

...

Why are you staring at me like that? I'm not lying! I-I do!"

"Who's this "friend" you keep talking about?"

Good/Neutral: "Oh, they're the sweetest! We've known each other for years, ever since we were little. They actually gave me a place to stay while I got my life somewhat in order. I'll be forever grateful for it.

I...don't know what I'd do without them, sir..."

Legacy (Snowgrave): "Oh...the friend I keep talking about? Well...we talk often, I lived with them for a while during college, and I feel like I could tell them anything."

(I see. And what would their name happen to be, Morgan?)

"....W-With all due respect, sir, I don't feel comfortable telling you that.

I-I'm not risking.....Of all the people in my life, I can't lose them. Please, I can't..."

"What do you know about Henry, Employee?" (note: in the Legacy Route, this question would be purple and would have a smiley face at the end)

Good/Neutral: "...Henry? as in Henry Miller? Well...I'll admit I don't know much. I know he was the co-owner of Fredbear's Family Diner, he was a doctor of sorts (apparently), and that he went missing in 1983.

...I'll be honest with you, sir. I might not've been alive when he was, but all the photos I've seen...he's got bad vibes. I don't know what it is, maybe the smile...? Just...ugh, he gives me the heebie jeebies and he's not even alive anymore...."

Legacy (Snowgrave): "W-Why did you ask it like that, sir? And...why're you looking at me like that..?

U-Um, well, I-I know he co-owned this place called Fredbear's Family Diner and that he went missing in the early 80's...but that's about it...

...W-Why did you need to know? Why are you still looking at me like that, sir?!"

"Do you have any hopes and dreams?"

Good/Neutral: "Well, y'know how this place is? And Chuck E. Cheese? I was thinkin'...maybe I could open my own place like this someday. Y'know, not a Freddy's or Chuck E's, but...my own little place! You think I could do it?

(...Yeah, you seem like you'd do great, Morgan.)

Really?! I- Thank you, sir!"

Legacy (Snowgrave): "...Well...I hope to get a better job someday. Maybe get married to someone.

.....Why do you ask sir?

...Sir? Jesus, you really like staring at me like that..."

"What do you think of me and your job here?" (note: same as the Henry question during the Legacy Route)

Good/Neutral: "Oh, well...you're certainly blunt, sir. B-But I don't mean that as a bad thing at all! You're a great boss! And this job, while it's certainly...chaotic at times, it's still one of the greatest I've had!"

(...Really? Wow...I feel kinda bad for you, Employee.)

N-no, I'm being serious! I like making people happy, and what better job for that than this one?

...Sure, this place hasn't had...the best track record of making people happy, but I hope to change that!"

Legacy (Snowgrave): "...Well, that depends. Do you want the truth, or do want to hear what you want to hear?"

(The Truth, Morgan.)

"....Sir, I have blood on my hands that can never be washed off. I feel too scared to fall asleep, afraid that I'll see that poor baby's face when I close my eyes.

...I'm also scared that either see you or Dave one standing over me, ready to..."silence" me...but that's neither here nor there...

...But I also know that I'm in too deep to back out now.

...So what real choice do I have, sir?"

2. (Well, that also depends...how much do you value your life, Morgan? :))

"...Well, in that case:

This is one of the greatest jobs I've ever had! Love you and my coworkers! Yep! Definitely don't live in terror every waking (and sleeping) moment, sir! Nope! Not at all! Heh heh..."

(Morgan nervously fidgets with her cross necklace, nervously looking behind you towards the door of The Office.

It seems like they're ready to make a break for it at a moment's notice. He tries to smile wide, but it doesn't reach his eyes.)

anyway, please send some asks about Morgan i'd love to talk about my lil dude here!! :D

[fandxmslxt69]

hello beloved!!! <3

13, 18, 26

oh my gosh my love!!! hello dearest <333

13. How many siblings do you have? Are you oldest, middle, or youngest?

UGHHHH. Lmao. Uuuh I have 3 siblings, two brothers and a sister- I'm the oldest!!! Tough tough job let me tell you. It's fun I guess, because I've got dirt on everyone and I'm one less for my parents to worry about. But it's also kinda tragic cuz I feel held to such a standard my siblings see me as enemy #1 because I "get everything I want". I mean YEAH I more or less do but consider: my work really hard to collect enough Parent Points to get my stuff soooo really it's their fault :/ NOT TO SOUND DRAMATIC but its also kinda tragic cuz like between me and my younger sister is nearly a whole lifetime. My youngest brother is in that horrible middle school boy phase, and the older one is so distant I think he'll ditch the family as soon as he can. Also- lmao the anger issues that run in this household!!!

ANYWAY THIS GOT OFF TOPIC (love chatting abt sibling dynamics) but yeah, 3 siblings, I'm the oldest, it's such a blast I would not trade this life for anything.

18. What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought?

Stares at my bookshelf that has over 3k dollars worth of books. uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hmmmmm. I mean, other than my books, my mom usually buys me most of my stuff. Like no yeah sure I go clothes shopping but she's always there cuz a) i cant make choices and b) i cant be trusted with a credit card and c) i dont have my own money ahahaha. So ummm yeah, most expensive thing has to be my books (bought a book once for 30 bucks.) or my computer/laptop/thing (200 bucks, but it was my dad who got it sooooo) I mean I have clothes that were rather expensive like coats and shoes, but I never bought that stuff with my own money (has never worked a real job in her life other than library tutoring) so my books are the #1 i guess.

26. Do you believe in second chances?

Hm. If it's an honest, little mistake, sure. But if it's something bigger? My pride won't let me. My mom drilled it into me pretty young. Funny enough I got pushed around pretty easily growing up, and I didn't really know how to say no (most of that was due to being thrown into an environment in which i a) could not speak nor understand the language and b) i was. well. Not White and thought I had to appease everyone so no one could pick on me). Anyway yeah my mom drilled it into me that second chances had to be earned and only for the right things. STORY TIME!!! Gosh oh gosh okay, so I got pushed back a couple years in school when we first moved to Canada, hence why I'm so behind on everything. When I (finally) hit 5th grade, I remember I made 2 good friends. One of them, my parents were friends with her parents, the other was this nice white girl whom friend A had known for a very long time. I was kindly invited into their group (I'd known them for about a year or so but was never very close) and I tagged along! It wasnt unusual, since we lived in a small area and went to the local school, so pretty much the entire grade knew each other and we (the 20 smth kids) were always in the same class together for a solid 3 years. Anyway, these girls were fun and we had a good time but shit went DOWN and it kind of fucked me up real bad. I still think abt it to this day. Long story short they spread shit abt people in their little diaries and the teachers caught them and they thought I was apart of it but TURNS OUT I was the CENTER of the shit talking and to this DAY, nearly a decade later, my parents refuse to tell me about any of it. I gave them quite a few chances before and after bc we had some fights, and in the end it like just. it humiliated me completely. Anyway lmao um um um yeah, ever since that shit I kind of stuck to avoiding second chances.

If it's not deserved, it's not happening. They're cut from my life immediately. I simply refused to let myself be put in that same vulnerable position again. So no, I don't really believe in second chances. If it was an honest mistake, a misunderstanding, miscommunication or something harmless, I'm okay. It's fine, it'll wash over. But most other shit? Man I can't handle it at ALL. My pride genuinely won't let me. I'll end up burning all the bridges in anger before I even consider it.

UMMM THAT WAS LONG WOW but im tired and idc anymore. WHOOPS

THANKS FOR THE ASK AMPHI i love you :D

[notesfromdruchan]

Captain

"Captain" was never in the army, nor into any sporting activity, and nor was he a stocky, spitting-image of "Captain" Vijayakanth (a Tamil movie veteran of the 80s and 90s). Instead, he was short at about five-and-a-half feet, skeletally-thin, and quite dark-skinned to account for the unforgiving humid heat of Madras. I knew him at a time when Sunny, the two-wheeler, was in vogue and not quite coincidentally, he rode one of those. If you've seen Sunny, and if you'd seen Captain, you'd say it was a perfect match.

Captain was, as was common in those days, the de facto electrician-plus-plumber for our apartment (and a few more in the locality). He had this dingy-little shop right across the road from our colony but you couldn't find him in his shop almost ever. On the rare afternoon that he did exist in that small, dark 5x10 half-filled with the kind of dismantled clutter you'd find in an electrician's shop, you might find him leafing through a thin novella or a serious magazine. Yeah, he was one of those rare kinds – somewhat well-read, could dole out a good dose of English when required, could speak at length on realpolitik, wax lyrical about out-of-fashion Tamil-cinema legends and down a lot more than a few gulps of TASMAC whiskey.

Andaman Maami of the fourth floor once told me she was the one who christened him Captain. I can't remember if I ever did ask her why but if I did, I've forgotten her answer. Captain was fixing something in her house at the time, wearing a camo cap that he'd occasionally wear to keep his bald head safe from the scorching heat. The physique and the name had no business being together but he was Captain for all the time I had known him, even though eventually I would know his actual name.

Captain's notoriety was of two kinds. He was a hard man to catch hold of when you had a dysfunctional ceiling fan or a tube-light that suddenly wanted to be a disco one. He wasn't busy, per se. He was just uninterested being an electrician to the boring old families that resided in these apartments. I am sure if left with a sizable inheritance, he would have reduced it to ashes in a couple of years spending them on books and booze. The second thing he was notorious of was the ignominy of being a wife-beater. "He comes home drunk and starts scolding me, harassing me," was a perennial complaint. Counseling by the women-folk of the apartment – my mom included – did not really change him. By the time his son had come of age, the wife and son left him. That shattered him and while he seemed to have deserved it, it was unsettling to watch a frail man implode unto himself.

Much before those things happened though, I asked him with my schoolboy naivete if it was true that when people get drunk they have no idea what they're doing and end up harassing their wives and other people. Chuckled, and said, if someone gets that drunk, they'd vomit and pass out. All the other drunk-and-did-this is a pretense: if I weren't drunk, I'd get beaten black and blue. Being drunk is just an excuse. Appalling as it sounds now, he delivered it with such characteristic Goundamani-esque wit that I've remembered it all my life as a funny narration.

Captain was a very staunch supporter of the DMK party. There was a communist/trade-unionist living in the apartment and my mom was a talkative, politically-conscious, happy-to-debate person so our living room would occasionally be the staging ground of lively, humorous, but also very-pointed debates about politics. And it was in one of those moments that Captain declared no party was good and the one he chose to support was the least-bad. This logic is as old as the Greeks and even older perhaps, yes, but for a school-going teenager just being exposed to the vagaries of layman politics, the perspective seemed fresh and intelligent.

He was an inherently witty man, ready with an arsenal of situational comedy. The problem was that he'd manage to tickle himself with his wit in the most inappropriate of times. This one time he was supposed to fix the fan – heavy as it is, compounded by the fact that our man would've weighed no more than 50 kilos – and he cracked a joke that had me drop the tools (I was supposed to hand him when asked) on the table because I started laughing my lungs out. Contagious laughter happened and he started laughing with the fan precariously half-stuck on the hook from the ceiling, not yet fully screwed-in.

There was also this once when Captain and I discovered the wrath of a pigeon that was guarding its eggs that she had unfortunately laid in an empty house on the top-floor that Captain and I were set to clear-up. We didn't know that the pigeon had laid eggs in the house so we tried to shoo the bird away nonchalantly only to be met with a fierce attack that culminated in the bird deploying its weapons system – bird-shit ejecta. We came back with an umbrella but our attempts were completely thwarted. We had a good laugh about it the next day, but I'm sure the birds had a better laugh about it on the same day.

In restrospect, I think he might have found it disrespectful that a teenager no taller than himself was calling him by his moniker as the adults did, but if he did, he did not show it ever. Or maybe he did and I was just not smart enough to catch the cue. I'd occasionally split between Captain and his real name (or the way I'd use it – Gopal Uncle because in India, any man older was "uncle"). Interestingly, you could also place the people of the apartment on a timeline by the way they called him. The newer folks knew him as Captain but the OG residents (like my dad) would only address him as Gopal. On the rare occasions that they'd use "Captain", it was to add flavor to the funny anecdote they were sharing about him and his antics on any given day.

All our lives are peppered with interesting characters like Captain and it takes years to realize how deep an impression they've left in our psyche. The last I spoke to him – over a decade ago – he was managing a hostel on Nelson Manickam Road and was asking me about listing it online for greater visibility. I don't know if Gopal Uncle is alive for he seemed quite old even then but you can bet that if he is, he's just as witty and careless as he was when he was the quintessential "Captain" in the apartments and colonies of Choolaimedu.