#and there are still books where you can tell i'd cried all over them

[this-love-is-delicate]

Crying while reading the romance novel at 4am

[dalliancekay]

Aziraphale does NOT need to suffer MORE

Can't believe I have to say this. TW: grief, mourning, death (sorry) I have, since falling into the fandom 6 months ago to escape real life, seen many takes on how Aziraphale needs to suffer in S3 to match Crowley's suffering. Mainly as the counterpart to the moment Crowley thinks he lost Aziraphale as he's looking for him desperately in the burning bookshop....

...after this he drinks, we suppose, to dull his pain, waiting for the Armageddon. Also, for the way Crowley suffers at the bandstand argument, the 'I Forgive You' moments, which many people find utterly devastating and incredibly heartless from Aziraphale. Not to mention when he doesn't react in the 'right way' to Crowley's confession in the Final 15. And then on top of that, 'abandons' Crowley. For Heaven. Oh and also for, and I quote: "The smug and entitled way Aziraphale went around in S2 assuming Crowley would love and follow him everywhere." And so for all this pain that Crowley endured for him, Aziraphale should suffer in S3 (to I assume) even out the scores. Some people want to see him lose it, show his emotions, to cry or beg or otherwise show how much he misses Crowley and how very sorry he is for what he has (so thoughtlessly) done.

Now for the TW grief content I motioned above. You can skip to the next sentence in bold.

I was on holiday late September last year, visiting my mum, stepfather and my two younger brothers. We went to a cousin's wedding. It was great. The day after, as I was hanging out reading a book, my mum got a call. The kind of call every mother fears. My youngest brother (he was 27) died in an accident. We needed to speak to police and the coroner. She cried and cried. She's still crying. She asks questions. She gets no answers. I...did not cry. I talked to the police. I googled a funeral home. I bought my brother his last set of clothes. He lived in a hoodie and torn black jeans. Mum wanted a suit. But he died in the one he bought for the wedding. I texted a lot of people. I bought snacks for the many friends who came to the funeral and wanted to speak to us after. My grief feels like a vice. I am not sad. I do not appear sad. Contrary to what people expect. But I am ANGRY. I am furious. But nobody can see this. I am not fine and I wish no one would ever* ask how I was again. TW/Personal content over. WE ALL SUFFER DIFFERENTLY Since I was small (because I am weird like that) I genuinely wondered if, finding myself in danger, I could scream like people in films do. I don't think I could. I cope with hard situations, fear and stress and anxiety by shutting down, sometimes by retreating as well, and by furiously (but quietly) trying to find a way out. And I think Aziraphale does the same. And that's why I love him so much. And why I feel I get him and understand that people sometimes can't tell how much he's actually feeling. I also express love the way Aziraphale does - by organising things for people, inviting them places, making plans. When Crowley said you call me for three things (and it's basically any old reason) I felt SO SEEN. This is what I would do with a friend who I know is feeling unmoored, sad, stuck (Crowley's 'What's the point of it all' at the beginning of S2). I'd text them with any old thing. I'd never actually say I love you, but I would try to get them to talk, meet me, go somewhere. Aziraphale does not express emotions the same way as Crowley.

But his emotions are valid nonetheless. He is worried for Crowley from around 3 minutes into their acquaintanceship. And he NEVER stops worrying from then on.

And are we quite sure he has never lost Crowley?

How many times did Aziraphale's heart freeze in horror when he realised Hell has taken Crowley and he had no idea if he'll ever come back and what is happening to him?

How did Aziraphale spend the night after vanquishing the demons and starting a war? He had no idea where Crowley was. What happened to him. He was probably sick with worry that Hell just took him away. We didn't see him drink and cry, but surely, the worry must have been overwhelming. The wait for what will happen.

ALL his worries over the Arrangement. Was he worried for himself? Do we really think that?

Crowley thought he lost Aziraphale in S1, yes, we saw that. And what happened to the angel then?

He got blown into atoms which I bet wasn't pleasant and when he arrives in Heaven he limps. Why is he hurt? And why is he quickly pretending he isn't? Why is he always hiding how he feels? Also, he immediately deserts, wants no part in the Holy War and quickly finds an extremely unconventional way to get back. It's not a grand gesture, he doesn't deliberate, doesn't worry that he will Fall (although surely that must have been what he thought will happen if he survives this), there's no pomp around it, he thinks it and then does it. No hesitation.

Is this coming from an angel who just can't leave Heaven behind and longs to be a part of it? Who loves to follow rules? And let's not forget in those moments Aziraphale thought Crowley was most likely gone. That he probably left for Alpha Centauri. Last he heard from him he was told he was talking to an old friend and had no time for him. Why we NEVER talk about how that might have felt for Aziraphale? About his sadness?

Things are not as simple as Aziraphale has been supressing his emotions and lying to himself about how he feels and he should get over it and become free. That's not how this works. And first of all, he was suppressing his emotions OUT OF LOVE. His main goal was always to keep Crowley safe. They simply couldn't run away or hoodwink Heaven and Hell. They had nowhere to go. They had no hope and yet they kept loving each other. That's courage. I know we all grew up with Romeo and Juliet and Heathcliff and Cathy and we FORGOT that those were CAUTIONARY tales. And this is not what Aziraphale wants for them. He would never allow himself to go so fast he would hurt Crowley. He feels guilty enough for agreeing to the Arrangement and for meeting Crowley at all when he knows they can be discovered and punished at any point. And Crowley knows it and RESPECTS it. He does not tolerate Aziraphale's decision to not go on a date and to hell with circumstances. He understands Aziraphale's reasoning and he respects Aziraphale's decision. Don't forget, they have NO POWER. They can't change Heaven and Hell. They can't stop believing in God and work on their religious trauma. Their Heaven and Hell are real places with real power and they both BELONG to them. Aziraphale's trauma and his personality are deeply intertwined and he'd probably never be the kind of person who is open in showing their grief or stress like Crowley does. He will learn to be more open, I'm sure. With his love especially, we see him reaching for and touching his demon in S2. Openly being with him, looking at him without guarding himself. They got a little bit of freedom for themselves despite ALL odds. So. Just because Aziraphale is not crying and screaming and I dunno, tearing his hair out or whatever some people would have him do, does not mean he isn't overflowing with pain, fear, uncertainty, doubts, worries, and so much anxiety that if he let it all out, half of the solar system would turn to ashes.

Aziraphale does not need to suffer in S3 to level out Crowley's suffering. They are, unfortunately, equal in their pain as they are in love. If there is one thing Crowley would never abide, it'd be this take from the fandom. * One more note on grief: (obviously from my personal experience) As initiated by @anthony-crowleys-left-nut in a comment

It's not that I mind to know people care and worry etc, not at all. But asking how I am can only end up in me lying (fine, thank you) and both of us knowing it's not really true and feeling awkward or not lying (I feel like shit, mostly cos I can't sleep and think the world is a stupid unfair place) and both of us feeling awkward anyway. Does that make sense? I wish I could tell friends/colleagues to ask what I've been up to or something similar instead. What I've been reading (um, AO3, but I'll make something up), watching, do I want to go see some spring flowers bloom (I do). I think...this would probably work not just for someone who is grieving but also for someone who you know is dealing with depression for example or a serious illness etc. Edit 2. It's now almost (in 15 days) a year since my brother died. The random attacks of pain and grief have lessened and I have started to do more of the things I enjoyed before... and I am able to answer how are you questions without feeling like they are trying to mock me (the questions, not the people). So I suppose things do get ... lighter? More diffused? I'm not sure. Because it's still exactly as unfair that my brother has not lived this past year as it will be however many years pass I expect.

[factorialsotherfandoms]

Look last night was amazing and funny and sweet but I'm an angst writer at heart so please take this offering

TW: vomitting, talk of food scarcity, ect

Missa wakes, and the bed is emptier than it should be. Tallulah has snuggled into his back and Chayanne has pressed into his front, and having both children cling to him makes his missing husband only the more obvious.

"Philza?" he calls, half-asleep, already getting up. "Philza, where are you?"

His ears input seconds later, and he pieces it together; careful of his children Missa stumbles out of bed, and finds one of their new lamps. He flicks it on, and now with some light he looks finally around.

And there is Philza, bent double over their small toilet and heaving into the bowl.

"Philza!" Missa is much louder this time.

He drops to his knees at Philza's side, patting his back as he looks around anything to help. His husband is trembling beneath his touch, and he's so, so scared...

"Mr Guard!" he calls, trying to get attention. "Please! Me Guard!"

A guard near the staircase looks lazily over.

"My husband's sick!" Missa nearly cries as he calls it. "Please - help?"

The guard shrugs, and turns back to the book he was reading.

Missa shrieks, and he can hear someone grumble half-asleep, telling him to shut up. Beneath his hands Philza shudders slightly, fingers trembling on the rim of the toilet, but he pushes himself back up, and leans against Missa's side.

"I'm alright," he whispers, and Missa doesn't for a minute believe him. "Sorry for scaring you, Missa; just go back to bed."

"Do you need something?" Missa ignores what he says, words quick as he worries - as he panics. "Water! I have a bottle I can get you water. Just sit there!"

It's a bit awkward to reach up to the sink and fill the bottle - once full of coffee - without dropping Philza. Missa manages it, though, and helps him to sip at it.

Philza drinks slowly, but he keeps the water down, and Missa allows his panicking heart to slow a little.

"What's wrong?" Missa asks, a little quieter now. "You're not- you're not dying, are you?"

"Just ate some bad food," Philza promises, reaching shakily up to brush at Missa's tears. "I'll be okay, mate, shhh, you don't need to worry."

Missa blinks harder, tries - fails - to stop crying.

"What do you mean the food is bad?" Missa thinks of everything in his bag. "I- You could ask me! You give me so much, I could have given you some."

Philza shakes his head, "no, before that. Before you woke up... Yesterday they didn't give us enough. Sent us into a dungeon, and I ran out, and... Well, the zombies have flesh, you know? It was all I had, so..."

"It's still hurting you tonight?" Missa frowns. "That's very sick."

"This morning, before you woke up - before breakfast they had us clean. I still didn't have any food left, and I'd thrown everything up last night, and I was fighting and the flies... Well you know the maggots we spent on the furniture...?"

Missa hates where this is going, and hugs his husband much, much tighter.

"The guard gave me more, because I'd had to eat them to make it to breakfast," Philza whispers. "If we hadn't been fighting I'd have managed, but..."

"Oh Philza..." Missa rubs Philza's sides, and thinks in horror. Since he's woken up there's always been food - an excess of it even.

"It's fine," Philza says, and it's not. "Better I eat the crap than the kids, right?"

He says it with half a laugh, and Missa - Missa /hates/ it.

He understand, he gets it, he's eaten maggots and zombie flesh and worse when he's had to, but he hates it in a way he didn't know he could hate. The prison clearly has plenty of food, so why...?

"I hoarded so much, and it still wasn't enough," Philza laughs again, and it is bitter this time. "I just... I hope tomorrow they give us enough from the start. Don't wanna try getting out of here on just maggots, you know?"

And Missa thinks of how Philza threw food at not just the children but also him as soon as they saw each other, how despite all this he was fed without a second thought; he scoops up his husband, and holds him close, and asks "bed?"

Philza looks with exhausted eyes between the bed and the toilet, "it's... probably better I stay here. If last night was anything to go by, anyway."

"I'll stay too."

It isn't even a question; prison had not been so hard on Missa, but clearly it has been on his husband.

"Mate..."

Before he can be told to get some sleep, Missa kisses Philza's forehead.

Philza sighs.

Missa hugs him.

They manage a couple of minutes of sleepy, quiet peace before Philza is reaching for the toilet again, and all Missa can do is be beside him as he suffers.

[sokkastyles]

How do you think the show shows us that Zuko is afraid of Azula? His fear of Ozai is clear, but his fear of Azula is less overt and that makes some people claim he was never afraid of her even though he was. What do you think?

Oh, that's a good question and it isn't something I see explored a lot.

Although I'll start by questioning why his fear of Ozai is more clear. There are scenes I can point to that I'd interpret as Zuko showing fear of Ozai but they're not more overt than the scenes where he shows fear of Azula. The only scene where he's crying and cowering is the one where Ozai burns him, and it's obvious he's afraid because of the way he's acting and the direct threat of physical harm. But most of the time, Zuko's fear of Ozai is portrayed more subtly. Less people question it because the domineering and abusive father figure is a more typical narrative. But if you removed those more obvious signs, a lot of the ways Zuko shows fear of Ozai could be brushed aside just as easily as his fear of Azula is, because Zuko isn't a character that cowers and cries most of the time. If you really look at most of Zuko's interactions with Ozai, he shows fear in the same way he shows of Azula, with defensiveness, uncertainty, hurt, confusion, and anger even when Ozai is appearing to praise him. He reacts the same way an abuse victim does who knows that all the fake politeness and the gaslighting and the manipulation are stepping stones to the inevitable violence.

To talk about Zuko's fear of Azula, let's start with their first interaction in the series, in episode one of book two.

To be fair, she chooses to introduce in a way that maximizes the whole "scary villain" thing, catching Zuko and Iroh by surprise. Which is a strategic move to put them off guard as she tries to get them to walk into her trap.

But both of them are immediately suspicious of her, something Azula points out to try to turn it back around on them. Zuko reacts with anger and asks her what she's doing there, but there's this moment before he gets angry where he looks like this:

And then his face quickly changes to anger.

And we know that Zuko's anger is often a mask for his fear. There's a moment where he looks shocked and vulnerable that is very shortly replaced with defensive anger, and his voice is low when he asks Azula why she's there.

This tells us, before we even know much about it, that there's a history between Zuko and Azula. Even though he hasn't seen her in three years, he's immediately on guard around her and knows that the reason she's there can't be anything good.

Azula brushes off his reaction, but Zuko still looks wary even when she tells him the very thing that he's been wanting to hear for three years, that his father wants him back home.

There's a lot going on in his expression here. He looks like he's trying to process what she's saying, and whether or not he can trust it. Azula also recognizes this, because she pushes him for a response.

Azula: Did you hear me? You should be happy. Excited. Grateful. I just gave you great news.

Azula also knows she has the advantage of Zuko's uncertainty about the situation and uses it to push him for an answer.

On first watch, a lot of this can be attributed to the shock of the news itself. We also know that Zuko has good reason to be wary of Ozai's goodwill.

However, later in the episode, and in the season, we learn more about Zuko's relationship with Azula and how he struggles to trust her because of how she's lied to him and manipulated him in the past.

If the news of Zuko's banishment being lifted had come from some random mooks, for example, Zuko would still be shocked, but probably wouldn't have reacted with the same uncertainty, which is specifically about Azula being there because he immediately asks her why she's there. These frames emphasize the power Azula has over Zuko, her strategically using the darkness and the element of surprise to both feed that fear and uncertainty that she knows exists in her brother, and his awareness that what she's offering is probably somehow double-edged, not just because of what we know is true about Ozai but because of Zuko's specific past interactions with Azula.

Which is also confirmed later in the episode when Zuko angrily accuses Azula of lying and her reaction is a sarcastic "like I've never done that before."

And then we get further context in "Zuko Alone," with Zuko saying in both the present and the past that "Azula always lies," and repeating it over and over to himself. This connects the current situation to the past and shows us that Zuko's mistrust of Azula goes way back to when they were small children.

The scene in "Zuko Alone" which is the originator of "Azula always lies" is actually one of the clearest signs that Zuko is afraid of Azula, and like with Ozai, it takes place when he's a younger child, before he had quite learned how to mask his fear with anger. We see that Azula as a young child has the same ease with which she plays on her brother's emotions, and gets the same enjoyment out of doing so.

And I can anticipate that anyone who doesn't believe Zuko is afraid of Azula here might say that he's afraid only of what she's saying. And that's partially right.

Here we see Zuko showing a more typical fear response, clinging to the blankets, his body huddled protectively in on itself, his eyes shut as he tries to deny the fearful words.

Obviously, Zuko is afraid to admit that what she is saying might be true, because he knows what Ozai thinks of him deep down, and that on its own is terrifying. But if you look at their conversation, Zuko reacts specifically to Azula being the one to say it, telling her that it's "not funny" and begging her to stop, before repeating to himself that she always lies. This not only tells us that Zuko doesn't want to admit that it might be true, but also that Azula has said similar things to him before, possibly because she thinks they're "funny." I don't know about you, but I think living with a sibling like that would be pretty terrifying. We also know, through earlier scenes in the episode, that Azula does regularly say things like this, casually and even gleefully suggesting the deaths of family members, and that Zuko thinks those are horrible things to say, as we see him in one scene tell her that she wouldn't like it if Lu Ten thought their father should die. Zuko is very aware that Azula isn't just being a messenger, he knows that she has an unhealthy fascination with violence. And it's being turned on him now.

I've also seen people brush off what Azula says about Iroh or Azulon dying so Ozai could become firelord as "she's just loyal to her father," but that also ignores the other signs we get that Azula as a young child is obsessed with violence, like her interest in Zuko's knife (and I wrote another meta about the difference between Zuko's play-acting with the knife versus Azula's interest in it as a weapon used for power, control, and domination.)

Also, once again, the way the scene is framed emphasizes the control Azula has here and the power she has over Zuko, who can't do anything but cling to the bed in some semblance of protection.

Another scene that emphasizes both Azula's growing tendency towards violence and sadism and Zuko's awareness and fear of it is when Zuko reacts angrily to Azula convincing Ursa to make him play with her earlier in the same episode.

If you were ignoring context, you could say that this is just a brother irritated at having to play with his baby sister. Except, combined with what we already know about Azula, and what Zuko knows about Azula, let's pay attention to what is actually going on here.

Zuko angrily says that he doesn't want to cartwheel. Which a young boy might object to as being a "girly" activity. But let's look back at what happened a moment before when the girls were cartwheeling.

If Zuko saw them cartwheeling, he probably saw Azula attempt to do a cartwheel and fail, followed by Ty Lee doing a perfect cartwheel and backflip before being pushed to the ground by Azula, who laughs at her friend.

This scene is so significant because of what it tells us about all three characters and their relationships to each other. We know that Azula lords her superiority over Zuko, and a lot of people take it for granted that she's just naturally more skilled. But here, we see how Azula reacts to someone who is more skilled than her at something, with a violent and petty need to punish Ty Lee for being better and reassert herself as the one in control by humiliating her friend.

This is such good writing because on the surface a lot of this is typical kid behavior, but combined with everything else we know about Azula and what she is learning from her father about how to treat other people, and how Zuko is learning that no one will protect him from his sister's growing violence, it paints a very troubling picture.

Even if you look at Azula's feigned innocence in the screenshot above of her convincing their mother to make Zuko play with her, look at how she has her arms around her brother and how Zuko reacts to it. Azula's possessiveness of Zuko is another thing I rarely see talked about but it's there in a lot of scenes where she's invading his personal space, inserting herself verbally or physically so that Zuko doesn't have room for objection.

And I kind of hate to bring up the comics, but I love that scene in "The Search" where Azula says that Zuko should have gone exploring with her more as a kid, but his fear held him back. We see the same thing when Azula drags Zuko along to spy on Azulon and Ozai and Zuko is afraid and tries to not go, but Azula grabs his arm.

You can interpret that fear as more Zuko's fear of Ozai that keeps him from doing things he's not supposed to, but again there's that possessiveness from Azula and Zuko's reluctance to trust her, Zuko's fear specifically that she will drag him into something that has the potential to get him into trouble (because we know who Ozai would blame first if they were caught, surely not his golden child), or something that could be dangerous, or that she might be specifically targeting him in a way that we see her do repeatedly. It's kinda hard to argue that Zuko's fears are unfounded when Azula does lie to him repeatedly, when Azula does drag him into danger, when he's the one who's always getting hurt as a result of her actions.

And that fear carries over into the rest of book two and book three and informs Zuko's mistrust of Azula even when she appears to be "nice" and his awareness that she has an ulterior motive and that he's the one who is likely to take the fall for it. Which is what happens up until Zuko finally says no and walks away.

And even after that, even when he's empowered himself and extricates himself from that dynamic, he admits that he can't face Azula without support. Not just because she is physically powerful but because of the emotional power she has over him. And Katara knows this too, and reacts to it when she tells Zuko that she's trying to manipulate him once again by proposing an agni kai. This time, Zuko is aware of what she's doing and has the psychological tools to counteract it, but it took a lot of courage and strength for him to get to that point. And he still almost dies.

The fallout of that is something I would like to see explored more often, and how that is going to have an impact on Zuko's ability to trust and feel safe around Azula even after she no longer has that psychological hold on him.

*Edit because of clarification from @zuzuthelord

This is such a great answer! But I just wanted to clarify that the screenshot of Azula with her arms around Zuko is an edit and that scene isn't in the actual show. I hope this isn't rude.

Not rude at all and thanks for the clarification and the compliment! That explains why that screenshot startled me so much when I found it and got me thinking of Azula's possessiveness of Zuko in a way I had not thought of before. I think what I said still stands, because of the many other times we see her grab or touch him in ways he is uncomfortable with or be overly familiar, or interrupt him, or push him to agree with her about things even when he can't respond.

I also saw the screenshot on google with a link to a zucest page and it's my bad for not verifying it, so that explains that, lol.

I'd actually say that Azula's possessiveness of Zuko is a big part of why people ship zucest, since a lot of people who do are the same people who are invested in making Zuko seem "just as bad" as Azula. It's a shame, since the emotional incest in their relationship and how that's another aspect of how Zuko is abused is so under-explored.

Now I gotta put an incest tw on this post, I guess.

[pianostarinwonderland]

Azul's Vulnerability

Happy birthday to me, and as a way to celebrate this, I'm going to be talking about my biggest gripes on how people view Azul in general 🤩🤩🤩 ok I'm not gonna attack anyone but I do want to speak about something that has been on my mind for a while

Having exposed myself to a lot of Azul content, I've seen a very common trend in the fandom when it comes to how people write about him. Much of the written content I see always has something to do with Azul being a so-called crybaby, particularly in x reader fics and headcanons. Reader would comfort Azul as he's crying, and they'd wipe his tears away while assuaging his insecurities. This also influences the NSFW content that Azul has as well. Reader would be the one to top Azul, and they would be the one in control in the bedroom.

I want to preface first that this is all valid. Write whatever you want. I don't have the right to stop any of you from writing Azul like this. NSFW especially is something that's really valid because a lot of the times, females want to experience having agency in the bedroom (let's not deny it, a majority of x readers are fem readers). In fact, fics and hcs where readers can comfort Azul stem from a desire to be the person to give him the comfort that Twisted Wonderland never gave him. We all want to be that person whom Azul can feel vulnerable to. We want to comfort him and to be close to him, and this is the best way we can do that.

But with that in mind, those fics and hcs also reflect the way people see Azul. People tend to write him as that crybaby. Whenever people talk about Azul, that's the one trait that they tend to attribute to him. I've heard people say it as an insult to him or to make fun of him as well. I'd even say that in the NSFW space, people choose to bottom Azul for that reason. And as someone who loves Azul, I really want people to see that Azul is more than just "a crybaby".

In fact, I would argue that the Azul we know now is not a crybaby. After his overblot, when everyone compliments his notes, Jade and Floyd comment on how Azul looked like he was about to cry. But pay attention to the way that they comment on it:

Floyd: What now? Azul, are you getting a little misty eyed? Jade: My my, have you gone back to being the ink-spitting crybaby? [shel_bb book 3 chapter 35]

The kind of wording in Jade's comment implies that Azul hasn't cried in a while. If he still cried often, Jade would have said something along the lines of "are you going to cry again".

And besides, if one is ashamed of crying, there would be a resolve built to stop themselves from crying. Personally speaking, I have a hard time crying unless something big happens because I had family either telling me to stop crying or laugh at me for crying over something trivial. Azul had been made fun of for the way he cries as a child—that has to have some traumatic impact on him, and it would make him hate crying and tell himself to never cry again. People who can cry easily are those who don't think it's a bad thing to cry.

There's this one anon ask that I will never forget that is related to this topic. It was one that a friend received, and it was a hc request to write Azul and Vil "being their vulnerable selves". As in, they explicitly said that the kind of confidence they exude is all a facade to hide the real emotional vulnerability underneath them, thereby saying that their vulnerable insecure selves are the real Azul and Vil and their confidence is faked.

A Vil essay can be made another day and probably by another person, but for now, we focus on Azul.

First of all, this will never be forgotten from memory because it shocks me that someone thinks Azul's confidence is wholly faked just to hide his insecurities. Now I'm not saying there's no merit to it nor that it's totally wrong. It's true that Azul's charm feels plastic. It's true that Azul does have a strong front that hides a painful past. But it doesn't mean that the Azul now who makes deals, runs a restaurant, and achieves high grades is not the real Azul.

What I want people (and most especially Azul himself but that's another post entirely) to realize is that he's grown to be so much more than the little octopus who used to be bullied and made fun of by other merfolk. The charisma and confidence he has is real. He worked hard to develop his social skills, and that hard work cannot be faked. I think if anything, the part that would feel fake is the part where he chooses to be Azul the businessman and not Azul as in Azul.

And Azul as in Azul is not just his insecurities. It's Azul with his wit and his strategical mindset. It's Azul with his joking remarks and his anger. Chapter 6 and Glorious Masquerade show Azul's real self the most in the game. When he shows his enthusiasm over City of Flowers' food culture in GloMas. When he teases Riddle during the part where the OB boys were playing video games after their experiments in ch6. When Azul roasts Deuce in response to a comment Deuce made about financier cake matching Azul in GloMas. When Azul gets mad at Riddle because he disagreed with his way of doing things in the tower chapters of ch6. There's just so much to Azul.

And lastly, I want to address the idea of Azul's vulnerability. Loads of times, when we think about vulnerability, we think about the sides we wish to not show to people, but we tend to associate those with insecurities and tears. Maybe it's just me, but Azul's vulnerabilities don't always have to manifest in the form of tears. Look at how he acts in narrating his flashback in 3-34 and in the way he reacted when Riddle in chapter 6 says that he can never be top 1 in their year because Azul runs his restaurant too. He's not bursting to tears as he's face to face with the insecurities—he's angry. He's angry about the circumstances he was placed in, angry at the people who hurt him. He's angry at Riddle for essentially saying everything he does was a waste.

It's also important to remember that to the general public, Azul keeps a certain image of himself. Capable of helping. Unable to be stepped on. So in a sense, anything that contradicts his image or even has the potential to harm it is in some way a vulnerability for him.

I think giving Azul a bunch of cuddles as he's crying is really cute. But you can also write about how Azul would open himself up to you—late night rant sessions about certain people, a secret about himself that not many people know. Something to remember as well is that he likes to be in control. Azul will have a tight hold on the kind of image he shows to people. Azul will choose carefully what people should hear and should not hear. So imagine him just letting himself be around you, with little thought about keeping that control of himself... that in itself is a sign of Azul opening up to you.

I acknowledge that this is a little bit messy, but I do want people to see that Azul is more than the breakdown that he had in chapter 3. He's got a more vibrant personality than that. And I would love to see more fics that explore his character a lot more, especially in romance fics.

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tag @mysticstarlightduck!

OC Interview

Slowly but surely, I'm getting through my tags! To spice things up, I'm gonna use my new dnd character for this :)

Were you named after anyone?

"No siree, I'm the only Lady 3250 on this here Rock of Bral. I picked the first part because when I used to serve at an art gallery, before I became sentient, all the finest dressed people signed in as Lady. When I gained awareness, I knew I wanted to be like those people, those walking works of art, so that's the name I picked. It was only later that I realized lady was a title and not a name, but by that time, it'd stuck. 3250 was my old designation. I keep it as a reminder."

When was the last time you cried?

"What a silly question, dahling - can't you see these eyes are made of glass?"

Do you have any kids?

"You just really aren't getting this whole warforged thing, are you? I do not have kids. I suppose I could adopt eventually, but for now, I'm not quite ready to settle down."

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

"Only when I'm in suitable company. Politeness is important, but so is humor in the right crowds."

What is the first thing you notice about people?

"The level of care they put into themselves. A man with clean armor can be expected to be thorough on the battlefield. A mage with an organized spellbook is a mage more likely to not miss anything when investigating an old scroll. I try to surround myself with careful people, though I can't say I always succeed."

What is your eye color?

"A sort of glowing yellow. Like lamplight."

Scary movies or happy endings?

"I feel that horror films can produce a wider array of reactions in the audience if constructed correctly. The moments of fear highlight the times of peace and vice versa, making them both seem all the more potent. It's like a splash of orange paint in a sea of blue."

Any special talents?

"I'm quite the artist. My original medium was sculpture, however of late, I've been experimenting more with spray paint. There's something so intoxicating about art where it shouldn't be. I guess I could say I've also been gaining a talent in talking my way into places I don't belong for that very reason."

Where were you born?

"I was constructed as a non-sentient B2 guard unit on the Rock of Bral, a city floating within the Astral Sea. A merchant by the name of Silvanus Renn bought me to watch over his art gallery, where I spontaneously gained sentience after two years of service. Not that I'm not grateful, but I'm rather curious as to why that happened."

Do you have any pets?

"No, but I've heard tell of spells that grant the caster a familiar companion. I think that would be quite an interesting thing to have at my side."

What sort of sports do you play?

"I... don't?"

How tall are you?

"Seven feet exactly, but I usually wear heels. I might have changed occupation and rewired some of my brute strength towards nimbleness, however, I am still built as a fighter."

What was your favorite subject in school?

"I never went to school. When I gained sentience, I found I suddenly understood much of what I had perceived when I was mindless - including literacy and mathematics. Books filled in the gaps. I imagine if I has gone though, I would've enjoyed learning history. It's the world's greatest story, after all."

What is your dream job?

"I always thought it was working for the Bral Artists' Union, but then the guild leader turned out to be a P.O.S. who kicked me out when I left a rather artful, if anatomically exaggerated, marble statue of him outside the guild in retaliation for his changing of my contract without my knowledge. After I've found what I'm looking for out on the starry seas, I imagine I'd like to come back and start my own guild."

I'll tag @the-golden-comet @vyuntspakhkite-l-darling @cowboybrunch and anyone else who wants to play!

Blanks under the cut

Were you named after anyone?When was the last time you cried?Do you have any kids?Do you use sarcasm a lot?What is the first thing you notice about people?What is your eye color?Scary movies or happy endings?Any special talents?Where were you born?Do you have any pets?What sort of sports do you play?How tall are you?What was your favorite subject in school?What is your dream job?

[justashuckingsimp]

Bad Luck

Summary:

(TAKES PLACE DURING THE SECOND BOOK) After falling in love with Minho in the Maze, y/n can never seem to get good luck when she's around the guy while they trek through the Scorch.

Dear Diary,

I never had time to think about my feelings in the Maze, and I never thought I would need to. being surrounded by 50 or so teenage boys with only one other girl around was hard enough, but my job as a builder brought the most stress on me. And so I've decided to write in this little book about all my emotions and journeys. I've even taken the risk of writing about my feelings for Minho.

With that I closed the book as I heard Teresa calling my name. We quickly became close after she awoke from her coma. Though we didn't really have much of a choice because confiding in one of the boys was definetly not an option. She's the only one that knows I have feelings for Minho, even if I'm not even sure how to label them yet. As I walked towards her voice I saw Winston laying on the sand with a gun on his chest, I guess everyone had already said their goodbyes. Fry was already in tears, the poor guy. Winston had been scratched on his stomach by one of the monsters I believe Rat Man called "Cranks". What a wicked name. Winston said something to Thomas as Newt backed away. Something only the two of them would hear. Winston shooed us off so he could die knowing his friends didn't have to watch, and soon later as we were walking away, a gunshot. We stopped, as if all trapped in the same thought. I don't remember if I cried. I do remember Minho holding my waist as we walked to steady me.

~Time Skip~

I wake up in a abandoned building, almost but not entirely alone, Minho and Fry were with me. But otherwise there was no one else on the first floor. The building seemed to have multiple levels and we were in the far corner of the first floor.

"Min?" I wondered if he was awake or just resting.

"Yeah y/n, I'm up."

"Oh."I paused unsure how to ask "What happened after...?" I let my voice trail off. I didn't want to speak about what happened to Winston,I know he didn't either. "Well, after you passed out-" "I passed out!?" I interupted him. "Yeah" he cleared his throat "And I had to carry you all the way here sweetheart", I felt butterflies at the thought of Minho carrying me. "But where are we Min?". A long silence. "We're just a mile or two out from the Safe Haven" I saw a tear slide down his face in the glow of the flashlight. I had never seen Minho cry. Not ever. I crawled over to him and laid my head on his chest, hoping to comfort him. We laid there silently.

My mind cleared for a moment. My book. My diary. Where was it? I shot up and started frantically looking around. If someone other than Teresa had read it I'd be dead. "Uh hey Min have you seen-?" I stopped when I saw the book in his hands. "What?" he stopped reading to look at me with a sly gin on his face. This mother-shucker. "Min..give me my book please" He went back to reading "Book or Diary y/n?" He said the word playfully. "Can you just shut up and give me the book?" He eyed me, still smirking, "No." He sat up and put the book to his side. "When were you gonna tell me y/n?" His tone was quiet almost a sad whisper. "I- I don't know I just had some bad luck everytime I got around to telling you, and I never knew if you were going to feel the same. So i had the book to-" I exclaimed as he cut me off with a kiss. I relaxed into his touch and kissed him back, it was a slow gentle kiss. Filled with all the feelings we could never say before.

"Well it took you two shanks bloody long enough." We broke apart at hearing Newt's voice. I saw Thomas, Newt and Teresa whom was wearing a bigger smile than mine an shaking her head. "It took you guys long enough" This came from Fry.

"I guess we just had some bad luck" Minho said winking at me.

[gryfferin-gaybies]

Prompt - My *weapon* is broken

Aurors Draco and Harry stood back to back, firing spells at the enchanted objects advancing from all directions. They'd called for back up 20 minutes ago, where was everyone? Their criminal had made his escape as the Auror partners tried not to get killed by everything in the large storage unit.

"Duck!" Draco yelled as three kitchen knives flew at their heads. The two men moved as one, the knives zipping over their heads to hit the wall and clatter to the floor.

"Draco!" Harry shouted as they stood back up together, still back to back. "We've got to get out of here!"

"You think I don't know that," Draco shot back. He sent a stupefy spell at a ceramic snake that had come to life and was ready to strike at Draco's ankle. "We could just Apparate," Draco offered.

Behind him, he heard what sounded like a heavy book slamming and a crack. "Fuck! That would work except now my wand is broken." Draco knew there was no way Harry could perform wandless magic in his state of exhaustion.

"Shit! Ok, hold onto me. I'll get us out of here." Draco felt Harry wrap his arms around Draco's shoulders, Harry's chest pressed to his back. He could feel Harry's breath on his neck. In any other situation, he would've gotten a hard on.

Before Draco could Disapparate them, Harry cried out and let go of him. Draco felt him slide to the floor.

"Harry? Harry, what happened?" Draco tried to get a look at his friend and partner behind him but his surroundings were still trying to kill him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Harry said through gritted teeth.

Draco had an opportunity. With nothing close enough to be an immediate threat, he cast a ward that enveloped them both but it was only temporary. Once he was satisfied with his work, he turned to Harry. "Let me see."

Harry was sitting in the floor with his legs sprawled out in front of him so he could kick things away. There was a large glass shard sticking out from his side. "I'm fine. Let's just get out of here."

"You're not fine! You can't Apparate like this. It could get lodged in further. We need backup." Draco examined the wound, trying to gauge how deep it was.

Harry hissed as Draco pressed two fingers lightly to his skin. "Well they're clearly not coming any time soon. It's our best shot at getting out of here."

"Absolutely not, and I'm not fighting you on this either. It's too dangerous. I . . . I'm going to have to heal you here." Draco stuttered.

"What! No way! Do you even know what you're doing? There's no way I'm letting you botch me up like that." Harry pressed his hand to his side, letting the glass protrude between his fingers.

Draco sighed. "I went to medical school before becoming an Auror, remember?"

"Yeah! Like 15 years ago! You're out of practice and you're coming nowhere near my injury." Harry tried to turn himself away from Draco but winced.

The wards started to shimmer, a sign they were fading. Draco cast another in a hurry and then three more in succession, hoping they'd last longer.

"Potter, you're going to have to let me heal you so we can get the fuck out of here! You know I'd never hurt you. I'm in love with you." He sighed and closed his eyes. This wasn't exactly how he'd wanted to tell Harry he'd fallen for him for him but the words were out before Draco could stop them. The longer they'd worked together, the closer they became and eventually their friendship turned into something more for Draco. It happened about the same time they started using each other's first names—thought Draco still called him Potter when he was being a stubborn git like right now.

"Wait what?" Harry asked. He didn't sound mad or upset in any way.

Draco opened his eyes to see Harry's reaction. He was pleased to find that he didn't look disgusted, only shocked. "This isn't how I wanted to tell you, but it's true. I'm in love with you. And I wouldn't let myself work on you if I wasn't certain that it's our best option."

"I love you too," Harry said, staring deeply into Draco's eyes. Draco was certain he'd heard him wrong or that he didn't mean it but before he could ask for clarification, Harry spoke again. "And I trust you so just fix me so we can leave."

"Alright, hold still." Harry grit his teeth and Draco set to work. He tried not to think about what Harry had just said or that it was Harry he was healing. He had to stay focused. With steady hands he removed the glass and closed the wound. But he'd still need a hospital and soon.

As Draco finished up, more Aurors stormed in.

"Oh sure, now you get here!" Harry rolled his eyes.

Draco helped him to his feet and Apparated them both out of there, deciding this was the rest of the Aurors' problem now. His priority was getting Harry to the hospital so his wound could be healed completely. . . And so they could talk.

[wonderlandleighleigh]

A follow-up to this

"That cannot possibly be him."

Ella takes a breath as she and Lane step into the little coffee shop near her apartment. It's actually really cool; it feels like stepping back into the 1930's. It's decor is deeply retro.

But Lane isn't paying much attention to the art deco style. Her eyes are trained on the boy sitting at the back of the shop with overgrown hair and a bushy beard.

"I did mention he burnt out really fast in California, right?" Ella offers.

"You did, but I didn't realize the burnout included looking like a mountain man," Lane hisses. She sighs. "He's really that bad?"

"He's not great," Ella responds. "Look, I know you guys left things on weird terms, but give him a chance. As a guitarist. And...maybe as a friend?"

Lane steels herself, standing a little taller and nodding. "Okay. Friend. Guitarist. Guitarist. Friend. That's a better order."

Ella nods as well and leads her back to the table, where Dave is nursing a large coffee. He looks up, and his eyes widen, bringing him quickly and clumsily to his feet.

"Lane."

"Dave," she responds, crossing her arms.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Great start," Ella grins. "Lane, what's your coffee order?"

"Oh," she says, blinking. "I uh...I usually just have what Luke makes."

"Latte?" Ella offers. "They're really good here."

Lane thinks about that for a moment. About how angry her mother would be about her drinking all that caffeine and sugar.

"A latte sounds great. Vanilla?"

Ella smiles. "I'm on it." She turns to another table and waves for the young man sitting there, who has his head behind a book. He can only be Jess. "Come get coffee with me."

"I drank mine," he responds without setting the book down.

"Keep me company and maybe I'll give you a handjob later," Ella tells him.

The book lowers slowly. "It's not a terrible offer," he responds as he gets to his feet.

"I'm aware."

Lane watches them go before turning back to Dave. They both sit slowly.

"That's weird," she comments.

"So is everything these days," Dave mutters sullenly.

"So...I wish I'd known you were back on the east coast," Lane tells him.

"Why?" Dave asks. "I broke up with you."

"Well, yeah, but..." she shrugs. "I still cared. I would have tried to help."

He watches her for a long, quiet moment. "You really would have, wouldn't you?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Lane asks.

"Because I broke up with you," he repeats. "Over the phone. Like an ass."

"I dated Zach," she comments. "I now have a new, higher bar for assery."

Dave wrinkles his nose. "Zach?"

"Yep. Big mistake."

"I'm sorry," he offers. "That it didn't turn out how you hoped."

"Well, I've learned my lesson," Lane says. "About dating guitar players."

"Yeah, I...I guess you have," Dave nods sadly. "I'm really sorry I was one of those lessons."

Lane gives him a gentle smile. It's a nice apology, to be honest. More than she expected. "I appreciate that."

"So. Ella wants us both to be in her band," he says. "Do you uh...do you think we could do that? You know. Be exes and bandmates?"

"On one condition," she says.

Dave lifts an eyebrow.

"For the love of god, shave," Lane orders.

He laughs; really laughs. He's not sure when the last time he did that was. "You have a deal, Miss Kim."

She smiles. "Then, Mr. Rygalski. I guess we're bandmates."

"Oh, yay, you're smiling and laughing!" Ella cries as she rushes back over with Jess and everyone's coffees. "Does that mean we're a go?"

Lane nods. "We're a go."

[lavenderlegends]

I'd love to hear anymore of your headcanons for Trans!Erica it's something I didn't know I needed in my life till right now!

omg omg yaaaaay!!!

so it's something i've seen a few times, back in the day, but i didn't know i was trans/nonbinary at the time so i didn't explore it too much.

but literally, i've been obsessing over the idea of trans!erica for the last few weeks since i've decided to dip my toes back into fandom and here's what i think:

erica has the biggest transformation on the show imo and her storyline could really VERY easily have been a trans storyline. so here is my trans!erica head canon (that turned into like a mini fic):

happiest she's ever been

ao3

erica has been struggling with her feelings of gender and sexuality for quite some time, but doesn't really know what they mean. until stiles.

stiles, this bisexual king, who has spent hours and hours obsessing and hyper-fixating on figuring out his own sexuality and reconfirming his own gender. he's learned so much about the queer community since discovering he might be bi that he's practically an expert on the subject.

erica doesn't really know what to make of stiles, but when he comes out as bi, she wonders if maybe he'd be a safe person to talk to. after all, he did do a bunch of research when he learned she was epileptic so he could better support her and yell at people for incorrect biases. he's always been nice to her, really.

she finally gets the nerve to talk to him, and when she does, she blurts, "so you're bi."

but stiles knows that look. he's worn it on his face a million times before he met derek. so he takes her hand and walks her to a more private spot.

they start talking, and the more stiles talks, the more relaxed erica feels around him. she finally, and quietly, asks, "what if i like... dresses and skirts and high heels and lipstick and... girl things."

stiles launches into all the research he's done on trans identities, and even recommends her some trans and nonbinary books he'd read in his rabbit hole. erica types the recommendations into her phone, despite already memorizing the titles.

she works up the courage to get them from the local library, where her crush, boyd, volunteers. she's shaking when she checks out the books, but boyd simply lifts one up and says, "this is one of my favourites. you'll have to let me know your thoughts once you've finished it."

so erica starts with that one. she loves it. she cries, she smiles, she laughs, and she clings to the characters as if she was them. and then she reads the next, and the next.

she tells stiles she's trans first. he's delighted and more than happy to help her in any way possible.

she changes her name after the main character in boyd's favourite book.

erica and stiles go shopping. it's a disaster. stiles asks if it's okay if he tells some of his friends, who will be more than understanding, willing, and protective of her secret, who can help her shop for women's clothes better than he can. she hesitates but agrees.

lydia, allison, kira, and malia all come to her rescue. within a weekend, erica has been completely transformed. she knows the basics of makeup. knows what clothes she likes, and what clothes she hates. she's broken in her new pairs of leopard print high heels.

and she's gained a thousand times the confidence she used to have.

"so," lydia asks, as she paints erica's nails. "tell us. have your eye on anyone?"

"well... i do, but i don't think he'd like me like this."

the girls all look at her, and then allison says with a decisiveness that warms erica's heart: "if that's true, then he's not the one for you."

"you should give him a chance though," kira encourages. "maybe he'll be different."

"maybe." but erica's not sure.

she looks over at the library books she still has to return.

maybe.

and maybe happens on a friday. the library is usually quieter then. she spends over an hour getting ready, changing her mind, and trying to figure out what to wear. but she manages. she only has to message the girls' group chat twice with make-up questions, so she counts that as a win.

walking into the library, she's nervous. she doesn't know what to expect. but there he is, beautiful as ever, standing behind the counter. their eyes meet. she almost expects him to make a face.

instead he says, "i don't believe we've properly met. i'm vernon boyd."

"erica," she says, stumbling over her chosen name. "erica reyes."

he smiles and asks, "so, what did you think of the book?"

and she knows. right then and there, this is the love of her life.

so when monday rolls around, she enters the cafeteria in her new look, embracing her true self, and has more confidence than she's ever experienced before. she doesn't know what shocks people more: her coming out as trans or her sitting with vernon boyd and holding hands.

but she's the happiest she's ever been.

[foxghost]

Can you please make a list of your most favorite novels (and if you want, tell why you like them)?

Anon this is such a difficult question but I think I'm in a better place to answer it this year than last year? There are some old books that I no longer love, and there are some books that I still love and would happily reread again.

I'm linking to posts where I've written about them before, and a couple to my NU reviews. it got so long that everything is under a cut.

On the HE side: 君有疾否 Are You Ill Sir?

破罐子破摔 Nothing To Lose, one of Fei Tian Ye Xiang's earliest works that he considers a part of his "dark history". It's a mess, reads like a fevered dream borne out of playing Dynasty Warriors until you drop, but I think it's the first book where FTYX showed the first sign of his genius -- his ability to write a scene like it's been pulled out of a movie. Also he writes Lu Bu like the biggest HIMBO and what's not to love really. Don't forget to read the extended extra that features an A'dou x Lu Bu x Zhao Yun sandwich. (Bless Feitian for the possibility of such a sentence)

殺破狼 Sha Po Lang - obviously

北城天街 Beicheng Tianjie - Technically gay lit, not danmei, but it reads like a modern fairy tale by the end. /you will cry

偷風不偷月 Steal On Nights Windy and Moonless - physical transmigration is a rarity in any genre, and this one was written so well, especially in its depiction of familial relationships. /tears

薄霧 Mist, this one probably got Wei Feng Ji Xu put on the map, but before this there was Rose Beauty, which I also enjoyed; actually, it's probably because I read Rose Beauty that I put up with so many zombies in this book. Go read Rose Beauty if you want good writing but without the zombies. This has So many. Zombies. Probably the best in genre for time travel, and in a way, 無限流. The plot is tight, the ship is cute, and while at some point in the middle you start to think "does this book need to be this long", by the time it gets to the end, you won't.

藍月光 Blue Moon

迪奥先生

浮光

颱風眼

別來無恙 How Have You Been by Bei Nan. I don't think I cried this much over tragedies. (This is HE)

落池

又一春

完美無缺 - Perfection by Jin Guan Quan. Transmigration from older famous actor into younger unknown singer, and while it doesn't seem so special in concept now, I'd happily read it again.

我等你到風景看透

日落大道

金牌助理

BE side 鷹奴

無根攻略

活受罪+長相守

Things that are so long there's no way I'd read again but were they ever fun while they lasted (leaving me quite sleep deprived)

不要在垃圾桶��捡男朋友

Anything and everything by Erya, of SCI fame. I have read everything even her old things. It took me months. She's written more since then, and she's on the verge of finishing sequels to the millions of words of Bao Qingtian fanfic both period and modern and I'm not sure when I'll find time to read it all.

破雲+吞海

將進酒

[lightsburnbrite]

The Love You Want: Part 8

When we went home to visit our families for Mother's Day, my sisters knew immediately that we were expecting. They all had lots of advice on this and that, but not to the point where it came across as being overwhelming. One thing that everyone said was that the baby would be here before we knew it. I could tell that Elena wasn't exactly enjoying being pregnant so I didn't believe them, but sure enough, our baby girl surprised us by coming a little earlier than expected at the end of October. 

Throughout her pregnancy, I read everything I could from books to blogs to message boards in the hopes that I would feel prepared. That didn't stop me from realizing that I had no idea what to expect when I held Romi for the first time. She seemed so fragile, so delicate, that I was afraid I'd look at her the wrong way and she'd get hurt. I expected that Elena would be the opposite, that her maternal instinct would kick in and she'd take to being a mother like a fish to water. Instead, I realized that she was even more nervous than I was. 

"Baby," I sighed as I rubbed my eyes. "You've got to get some sleep. Come back to bed."

Elena sat at the foot of the bed with her laptop open. "I can't do this. I didn't think I could fail so spectacularly."

Throwing the covers back, I moved behind her and began to massage her shoulders. "Look, your mother said it takes some time for us to for us to get used to each other. Romi is still getting used to being out in the world, we're still trying to figure out how to be parents-"

"You don't get it." Elena tossed her head back and wiped at her eyes. "I'm supposed to be able to feed her from my tit only I can't. And it's my fault because the lactation consultant is saying that I'm not doing the right things to help with my milk supply.She's not gaining weight like she should be, she cries when I hold her, not when you hold her. I suck at being a mother. Just take her and find someone else who can actually be her mother."

I pulled her on to my lap and wrapped my arms around her. "You are her mother, Ellie. Just because some random person that's not even a doctor is telling you that you're not doing the right thing doesn't mean they're right either. I think you need a second opinion or you need to talk to your midwife and tell her what's going on."

Pausing our conversation for a moment, I began to rock her from side to side. "What can I do to help you? Do you want to invite your mother down for a bit? Or my parents? I know you're stubborn and independent but you're also exhausted and you need to sleep. We've got formula for her, let me get up with Romi during the night." 

I felt her shoulders slump as she let out a sigh. Closing her laptop, she sat it on the nightside table before getting into bed. I waited for a minute and let her get situated before pulling the covers up. "Love you, Elle." 

She brought her hand up, resting it just behind my ear, and laid her head on my shoulder. "Promise?"

"Absolutely."

I was surprised that Elena didn't protest when I got up to take care of Romi, although it didn't really help because she sat right next to me when I gave Romi her bottle. Elena frowned as she watched. "She does the same thing with me."

"What?" I glanced over at her before putting my eyes back on our daughter.

"Watch how she moves her mouth." Elena dropped her voice to just above a whisper. "It's like she can't breath when she has the bottle so she has to keep opening her mouth."

I thought back to when I would help my sisters with their kids and realized that I hadn't seen any of them take a bottle quite like this. "When is her next appointment?"

"Next week." Elena leaned against my arm. "Why?"

I looked at her again. "I think it's something we should bring up. Maybe it's not because of you that she's having trouble."

"Do you think I should call and see if our appointment can be moved up?" I felt her hand squeeze my arm.

I nodded slightly. "That might not be a bad idea."

We got Romi settled and then made our way back to bed. I could tell Elena was still shaken up so I moved behind her, draping my arm over her hip as she laid on her side. "We're going to get this figured out, ok? I'm sure it's nothing major."

I started kissing her neck, letting my hand move up to cup her breast.

"Not yet," She moved away from me slightly but let me keep my hand on her side. "Not just yet."

"Ok." I kissed her neck once more before rolling over to my back. I took a breath in when I felt my cock twitch. Shit. "I'm, um, just going to go take care of something."

She let out a little giggle when she realized what I meant. "Can I help you?"

"Well, yeah,"I linked my hands behind my head as she snuck her hand underneath the waistband of my briefs, inhaling sharply as she wrapped her hand around me. "I just…didn't think you were interested in sex right now."

Elena rested her head against my shoulder as she pulled my briefs down farther. "We're supposed to wait six weeks so I can heal and everything and I'm hoping then that I'll feel more like myself. That doesn't mean I'm not interested in you."

I let out a low groan as her mouth enveloped me. "Does this officially make you a milf now? Ow!"

Teasingly, she gently scraped her teeth against me. "Watch it, bub."

I tilted my head back, eyes closed as she finished. "You know, I'm supposed to be taking care of you right now."

"You are," She called out from the bathroom before walking back in to the bedroom. "I just wanted to show you some appreciation. It's probably influenced by hormones but it was really fucking hot watching you taking care of Romi."  

I laughed as I invited her into my arms again. "Does this mean you're going to let me take over some of her feedings?"

"Yeah," She sighed. "I think I'm giving up on the whole breastfeeding thing."

I gave her a squeeze. "I don't think Laura did either. Not like I'm all up in her business but I remember seeing Charlotte and Luisa with a blanket draped over them at different points. It doesn't make you a better or worse mother."

"I'm just-" Her voice cracked. "I'm worried we're going to fuck up. It took us how long to notice that she takes a bottle weird?"

"Because it's only been three weeks, we're exhausted and it's fucking hard." I kissed her forehead. "We're going to make mistakes and it will still be ok. Hell, my father dropped me when I was little and I turned out ok."

That got a laugh from her but I could tell sleep was close. "Maybe that explains why you're so hard headed."

"Poor kid doesn't stand a chance. Both her parents are stubborn."

Elena relaxed a bit over the next few days but I knew she wouldn't be completely satisfied until we spoke to the pediatrician. We sat and watched while her doctor took all of her vitals and checked reflexes, Elena visibly agitated. 

"Well," The doctor cleared his throat, "Her weight is not where I'd like to see it but I understand this is a concern of yours?"

Elena handed Romi to me and nodded. "Right, she hasn't been gaining weight and she has trouble feeding. I haven't been able to breastfeed but she also has trouble with a bottle and seems to get tired while she's eating."

He took a few notes. "And how is her demeanor otherwise? Are you doing contact naps?"

"It depends." Now she sighed. "Romi is definitely more agitated with me. She does contact naps with Leon."

More notes. "Have you been treated for anxiety in the past?" 

I immediately noticed Elena bristle. "No."

"I'm going to suggest that you check in with your primary care provider about post partum anxiety." He looked up now. "I believe that some of your struggles are emanating from that. As for her difficulty feeding, I'm going to refer you to a few different specialists. I believe she has a tongue and lip tie, possible cheek as well. If I'm correct, it's a simple procedure with follow up exercises and that should solve the problem."

We left with the names of an oral motor therapist as well as a pediatric dentist and while I felt more optimistic, I could tell Elena was still bothered. I put Romi's carrier into the base and secured it while Elena got in the passenger seat. Once I got in, I waited for a minute before hitting the ignition. I took Elena's hand and kissed the back of it. "I wish you would be at least a little gentler on yourself."

"What do you mean?" Elena kept her eyes ahead, not willing to meet my gaze.

I gave a little nod, willing to play along. "The doctor literally told you that it's not your fault."

"It's a probably physical issue why she can't nurse." She rolled her eyes as she moved her hand away. "But it's definitely my fault that she likes you better."

I sighed, reminding myself to stay patient. "Babe, she's not even a month old yet. She doesn't even recognize us as her parents let alone have a favorite."

"Easy for you to say." She grumbled under her breath.

"What he said was," I put my hand on her thigh and tapped my fingers a few times. "You've been more anxious than normal lately and Romi is picking up on that. Again, normal for you to worry but it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone about it."

"I don't want to be put on medication and then never feel like having sex with you again." Elena turned to face out the window.

I glance over at her to see if I could catch her eye but was unsuccessful. "Ok, perfectly logical. You go talk to someone and say no medication."

"Can you stop having all the answers for everything?" She still refused to look at me but I'd have to have been an idiot not to sense her irritation.

I continued on in silence, knowing that anything I said would just cause further irritation.

"I'm sorry." Her voice cracked, on the edge of tears. "I just…I don't even feel like myself half the time and-"

I took her hand again and squeezed it. "I know, baby. It's ok."

She inhaled sharply. "If I can make it through this without you hating me-"

"Ellie, listen to me." By this time, we had made it home. I pulled into the garage and cut the ignition before turning to face her. "I know you're going through a lot right now but I'm not going to understand everything. Be patient with me and I'll do the same for you. Ok?"

Elena closed her eyes as she nodded. 

I reached over and wiped the tears collecting on her cheeks with the tip of my thumb. "We'll get through this, ok? Mama said it gets easier after the first few weeks and you know I want to help you in whatever way you need. We can get a housekeeper or a nanny if that would be better, if you want Maria to move down here, we've got plenty of room. I'm serious, whatever we need to do to have you and romi happy and healthy."

By this point, she was completely crying but nodding in agreement. I knew she didn't have an answer right then, but I wanted her to know I was in her corner, no matter what. "I love you, Ellie. I want you to remember that, ok?"

As Romi started to fuss from the back seat, that at least got a laugh from Elena. "I hear you, baby girl. But you're going to have to share your papa with me at least some of the time, ok?"

She wiped the rest of the tears from her face, took a deep breath and nodded. "We can do this."

"Fuck yes, we can!" I clipped her on the chin in a note of encouragement."

Elena laughed again and nodded. "I love you too, Leon."

[ruby-red-inky-blue]

tagged by @garethsedwards, thank you!

Are you named after anyone? technically my middle name was chosen in honour of my great-grandmother who'd passed away a year or so before I was born, but otherwise no

When was the last time you cried? hey, for once i think it's been a while! ... probably straight up made myself cry when i went down a writing rabbit hole trying to catch up on TWTaS finally

Do you have kids? no

Do you use sarcasm a lot? yes but i'm trying to do it less, I think it can make me hard to talk to for others

What sports do you play/have played? when i was still in school i did some ballet (i was Bad at it) and modern dance and I did horse riding, specifically Western style. I was also on a swim team for a while, but nothing competitive.

What’s the first thing you notice about other people? i tend to notice people's hair a lot? also jewellery, and shoes for some reason

What’s your eye color? blue

Scary movies or happy endings? depends on the mood! i tend not to go for horror just because it doesn't usually interest me much, but I looove a scary spooky thriller type deal and will probably go for that over a happy-go-lucky movie most days.

Any special talent? i also do some decent-ish calligraphy, cherry! also I do think I'm decent to good at fibre crafts, though horribly slow. I'm a fairly good storyteller (as in, i'm bad at coming up with a thing but when given a thing i tell it well).

Where were you born? Northern Germany

What are your hobbies? picking apart any kind of narrative and seeing how the moving parts fit together - books, movies, poetry, writing stories -, fibre crafts, playing music (though I'm not great at it), bullet journalling when i can be arsed to do it, hiking once in a blue moon

Do you have any pets? We used to have cats when I lived at home, but I'm not currently able to

How tall are you? 166cm / 5'5

Favourite subject in school? loved history, loved languages, I somehow thought I hated German class even though I was good at it and it's literally everything I love doing - honestly I really liked most classes except maybe math class, geography and definitely PE. PE was a nightmare.

Dream job? so many things seem fun but i can't see myself doing them every day. Ideally, I'd like to end up as second-in-command somewhere - I don't like having to call all the shots but I want to be the person who puts out the fires and gets shit done. you know, a Josh type

anyone wants to play, consider yourselves tagged!

[kittensartswriting]

15 Questions Tag

Thank you for tagging me @andromeda-grace!

I'll tag @dotr-rose-love @kainablue @rustywritessometimes @mariahwritesstuff @oh-no-another-idea @faelanvance @aquadestinyswriting @westywrites

So this is that one originally personal tag game, but people started answering it as their characters. I couldn't decide which of my MCs from BCC I'd answer this with, so I thought it might be fun to imagine them all being interviewed together. This is not a realistic scenario because during the first book they are all separated (and I answered this as if they're about 1/3 to the first book, where I'm roughly at writing wise), but it was still fun to imagine :D

1. Are you named after anyone?

Faerathos: "I can go first. Oldest sons in our house have been named Faerathos for a long time. In ancient times the name was Faerían, Faerathos being Angusianized version. Our father wasn't the eldest brother, his brother, the previous Faerathos, died before we were born so in a way I was mostly named after him."

Cassia: "My name also runs in the family, given to oldest daughters. Our aunt, from father's side, was also a Cassia."

Valeri: "My name is from our mother's family. I think her uncle was a Valeri?"

Fiolev: "I named myself after my cat." *everyone turns to him in disbelief including Valeri who thought he knew the story behind the name* "Well, that's the truth! There was some ancient legendary Cerfí warrior named Fiolev and I remembered Valeri telling me the name meant a white mountain cat. So when I had to give myself a name, I had just befriended this homeless white kitten and I named myself basically white cat. Though mountain cats are a tiny bit bigger than my cat."

2. When was the last time you cried?

Cassia: "When I was 19."

Valeri: "7 years ago? I don't believe that."

Cassia: "I'm sorry, if that makes you feel bad that you cry all the time, but I have done the work to destroy my ability to express emotions, so I can't cry anymore, even if I wanted to."

Valeri: "I don't cry all the time."

Cassia: "Well, tell us then the last time you cried?"

Valeri: "... Last week."

Faerathos: "I think I last cried three weeks ago during my monthly mental breakdown."

Fiolev: "My memory is pretty bad, so I'm not fully sure, but I think it was month ago, when Valeri left to his mission."

Valeri: "I'm sorry..."

3. Do you have any kids?

Cassia: "No and I mean to keep it that way."

Valeri: "No, but I'd like to have one day, if ever my life stops being a constant battle for survival."

Fiolev: "Yeah, no, that sounds like a nightmare. But I want Valeri to have so I can be the cool uncle who teaches them all the bad words."

*After a silence everyone turns to Faerathos.*

Faerathos: "Can I go with I'm not sure? Probably not?"

Valeri: "What the fuck does that mean?"

Faerathos: "There is a non-zero change that the empress is not in fact pregnant with a legitimate imperial heir, but my child so... We don't have to get too deep into that."

Cassia: "It was literally this type of scenario our whole clan got murdered over!"

Faerathos: "... I'm sorry?"

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Fiolev: "I'm fluent in it yes."

Cassia: "Do I look like the type of person, who would do something like that? she said sarcastically."

Faerathos: "Sure, sometimes when annoyed."

Valeri: "I'm not very good with words, but contrary to the popular belief I have a sense of humor too, so occasionally yes."

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Faerathos: "The way they dress. It's pretty noticeable from far away."

Cassia: "The way people move and hold themselves."

Valeri: "I agree with Cassia."

Fiolew: "I will answer truthfully only, if everyone promises to have no follow up questions." *looks at the others till they all nod* "I first notice where people are holding their money."

6. What's your eye color?

Fiolev: "Gray."

Faerathos: "Also gray."

Valeri: "Light blue."

Cassia: "Even lighter blue."

7. Scary movies stories or happy endings?

Fiolev: "I love scary stories."

Cassia: "I agree. The more gruesome the better."

Faerathos: "I'm not that interested in scary stories, but happy endings do often ring hollow to me, so I think I'll choose scary stories."

Valeri: "I'm the only one who prefers happy endings?"

8. Any special talents?

Cassia: "I'm quite good at singing really low notes. I can do acrobatics and my specialty is sword dance where I balance with three swords. I'm also very good at disguising myself with transformation magic as people I have killed by using their skin and bones."

Faerathos: "Well that escalated. Maybe we'll just breeze past that? I don't have a lot of special talents. I guess I'm good at math, but that's not very special. Though I can research at the library for hours without breaks if that counts?"

Fiolev: "I'm very good at taking... let's say objects from other people's pockets without them noticing. I'm also quite good at... let's say convincing people of not exactly true things. I also do an excellent impression of a very naive and impressionable noble girl in distress. A totally innocent skill that could have no implications of criminal behavior."

Cassia: "We all believe you, love."

Valeri: "I don't have any very special talents. I'm pretty good at disarming people, shooting and parrying on horseback, surviving in wilderness and I guess taking a beating."

9. Where were you born?

Faerathos: "We were all born in Abhlean, the capital of Cabalusia, in literally the same room."

10. What are your hobbies?

Faerathos: "Playing piano, reading, gambling and swords-fighting, but that last one I do only because Marcus forces me to."

Cassia: "Opera could be characterized as my third job and not a hobby, so I'll go with... industrial sabotage."

Valeri: "You're not going to elaborate on that, are you?"

Cassia: "Nope."

Valeri: "Okay then. I also play piano and I play violin, both of which I'm pretty rusty at."

Fiolev: "I feed the local homeless animals and take care of them generally."

11. Have you any pets?

Fiolev: "As I mentioned earlier, I have a cat. Her name is Snow, because she's white and I named her when I was five. She's great, though getting elderly."

Valeri: "I have two dogs, Cúén and Faéndie, both Cabalusian bear dogs. They are trained as war dogs, but they are family and I keep them with me at home."

Fearathos: "I don't have a pet."

Cassia: "I have technically a crow. It's not my pet though, it would probably eat me in my sleep if I called it my pet. Yeah... it's not really a crow. It's name is Fianne. I have an actual animal companion too, my little baby saber-tooth snow leopard, Ciri. She's not actually little."

12. What sports do you play/have played?

Faerathos: "Hunting, which I don't get opportunities to do as a hostage in the court, Cabalusian horse-racing, which every Cabalusian noble kid has to do, but I didn't really enjoy, and now I'm still forced to do swords-fighting."

Cassia: "I also did Cabalusian horse-racing, which I did like, and hunting, but I haven't done them as a hobby since, you know, the civil war. I have hunted for survival though."

Valeri: "I also did the same sports before civil war, though I was too young to be taken to the hunts and I did horse polo. I don't play sports anymore, as a cavalry officer I do swords-fighting and horseriding a lot, but for war purposes. And I've hunted for survival."

Fiolev: "I was too young to play any sports before the civil war, and when I grew up we were poor and sports really are a rich people thing. I have played whatever ball games poor kids play on the plazas, but I don't think they count here."

13. How tall are you?

Faerathos: "195 cm."

Fiolev: "175 cm."

Cassia: "186 cm."

Valeri: "What? You're also taller than me?"

Cassia: "How tall are you then?"

Valeri: "185 cm."

Cassia: "Ha!"

14. Favorite subject in school?

Fiolev: "History."

Cassia: "Biology."

Valeri: "It would be either music or history."

Faerathos: "Physics, which is why I'm still studying it. It hits the right spot of 'I'm good at it so I don't get too frustrated' and 'it's hard so it's interesting'."

15. Dream job?

Fiolev: "Hmm I don't know. What profession makes you rich? Probably depends on that. Alternatively I would love to just take care of all the strays in the city, if someone rich would suddenly get a strong desire to pay someone for that."

Faerathos: "I'm pretty happy with my job as a physicist, but even more than that I would want to be a senator. I can't of course because of the whole hostage situation, but I want to be in a position where I can actually change things."

Cassia: "Dream job? I have never thought about that. Before civil war I was a noble girl and nobles don't have jobs, so I didn't dream of having one. And now I have more important things to do than thinking what I'd want to do for a profession. Though I will say, I have always enjoyed opera, and now that I'm actually an opera performer, I do like it, even if it's just an means to an end, like my other professions. So if I have to pick one, that might be it."

Valeri: "I wanted to be a soldier as a child, but I ended up being one in the least desirable way possible. I don't think I'd call it my dream job anymore. I don't know what I'd call my dream job."

[circa-specturgia]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Since @tryingtimi @bloodlessheirbyjacques @the-void-writes @baroquesse, @awritingcaitlin and @agrimedena-drax all asked me (some twice, if you need any idea at how bad I am at answering asks), I’ve finally gotten around to writing it down…

I'll answer it for my main WIPs, Circa Specturgia's main character, Caspian. Answers being from him in the state he's in around the midpoint, or towards the end of the second arc of the story, if I were to guess!

Cas is sitting in front of a fire, a ways away from the camp where everyone else is staying, far enough away to be out of earshot when you sit beside him. He doesn't pay you much mind, though he doesn't brush you off, instead stoking the fire, which illuminates the bags under his eyes.

1. Are you named after anyone?

I am. We were able to know for sure that the A .in my name meant Alekos once we'd met V, though after meeting Mask the first time, we already suspected that it meant something to me. Though, I don't know if I can count it as being named after someone if I'm to be that persons incarnation...

Aside from that, Blackwood... It's where I'm supposedly from, but I'd like to think that I've made that my name.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I’d rather not say. Or think about it.

3. Do you have kids?

Uh, no. Maybe I'd like to, in the future, though. If I can even really think about that right now. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if Mask can even... hmm. Maybe I should ask.

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Never. Not once in my life have I ever used sarcasm for any reason.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Would you punch me if I said their ass?

He chuckles a bit once you do, before he straightens up, stoking the fire again.

Their eyes. You can usually tell a lot from the eyes.

6. What's your eye color?

Black. Or really dark grey? Like graphite, or obsidian. They apparently turn gold sometimes though. Whenever I do anything Antecendant. I’ve never looked in a mirror when it happens.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. I'd like to hope for happy endings.

8. Any special talents?

I don't know if I can count my arsosteia as a talent? It's just something I can do, thought V said I have a knack for it. Kane would also– ...sorry.

He goes silent for a moment, having remembered something he'd rather have not, the fire dimming before he realizes it, and reignites the embers.

Uh, I guess Adira said once that I picked up fighting instincts quick.

9. Where were you born?

I… don’t really know. The Blackwood, I mentioned it earlier, was where I was apparently created, but I don’t know the details. If V knows, he didn't tell me. Cyril put down Layr Laiarta when sorting out my documents, so I guess that makes me a Vosiinæan on paper. I think that works for me. Maybe I'll settle down there. If I earn that happy ending.

10. What are your hobbies?

I liked reading, when I had time. The Royal University Library had a ton of books, and even if the ones on Matrixes gave me a headache I'd still take those over what we have to deal with these days.

Sparring is nice too. Both with or without specturgy. It lets everything sort of melt away, too.

11. Do you have any pets?

Do the runalongs count? I didn’t even know I could do it until recently but Mask taught me to summon them to me and they have my fire, so I guess that makes them my pets?

That said, Mask is enough of a creature themselves that I could call them my Pet…

12. What sports do you play/ have played?

Does sparring count? Adira and Cyril have us practicing nearly constantly. I don’t mind it, though. Like I said, helps me clear my head.

13. How tall are you?

6'5" or so? Cyril says I've gotten taller over the last year.

14. Favorite subject in school?

Gods, that feels forever ago... I think it would've been the the practice matches against Cyril. Or the control exercises, they were tough, but, finishing them felt good.

15. Dream Job?

He doesn't speak for a moment, looking into the fire.

I haven't let myself think that far ahead, yet.

I return the ask to @tryingtimi @bloodlessheirbyjacques @the-void-writes @baroquesse, @awritingcaitlin and @agrimedena-drax, and add on @magefaery @cherrybombfangirlwrites @verba-writing @ss-hawthorne @kainablue @wildswrites @jessica-writes22 @breath-of-eternity and @manuscriptsatmidnight!

Have fun!

[jerzwriter]

Once upon a time...

Book:                   Open Heart

Pairing:                Tobias Carrick x F!MC (Casey MacTavish)

Rating:                 Teen

Category:            One-Shot AU / Angst

Summary:           Some loves aren’t meant to be forever, but that doesn't mean they weren’t wonderful.

Words:                 2700

A/N:                     Based on this ask for MC falling in love with LI, but it never rose to that level for LI.  They said to pick the pairing, so I’m doing one for each of my three.  This is number two for Tobias & Casey.  Ethan & Kaycee’s can be found here, and Eli & Zoe’s is coming soon.   Hey, we need some angst. 😊 I edited quickly - please be kind :) And this is an AU. I'd never do this to my babies for "real." lol

@choices-november2022 - Day 12 - Let it Go @choicesflashfics “Look at me and tell me I’m wrong.”

A car horn honked obnoxiously behind her. 

“Sorry!” she apologized, even as she shook her head. How long had the light been green? Ten seconds? Patience was a lost art. Besides, didn’t they realize what she was going through? Understand how nervous she was?

She left work an hour early to accommodate him, and her stomach was in knots. The drive was so familiar that, after they broke up, she would find herself halfway there before remembering… she didn’t live there anymore. Each time it happened, the result would be the same. Her car pulled over on the side of the road as she waited for the tears to pass. We think heartbreak lessens once you’ve survived it before, but that isn’t true. She wondered how long it would take before she stopped doing this. Or, if muscle memory prevailed, when would it stop hurting if she did?

But today was no mistake. She was heading there on purpose, at his invitation. Sure, it was because he found a box of things she had left behind when she moved out six months before. But he had found other things before, and he made arrangements to get them to her. But this time was different. This time he asked her to pass by. 

Eight times. That’s how many times they had seen each other since the split. Only one of them by design. Five days after they called it quits, they agreed to meet. The absence of each other was still too raw, their bodies literally ached. So they agreed to meet. To talk. To cry. To cling to each other one last time, but not to rectify. In the end, they decided they had made the right choice, as hard as it was to accept. But not a day had passed that Casey didn’t second guess her choice. Surely if she had tried just a little harder… waited a little longer….

Since that night, there were nods across the room at Donahue’s, which would lead to one of them inevitably leaving. There were uncomfortable moments at Bryce’s birthday party, where they did their best to stay out of each other’s way. Recently, they were at the same conference; they were cordial. Polite. How does one become a stranger to someone they once loved so much? But therein lay the problem. She did, and he didn’t.

They had been together for three years. He never asked her to move in, yet he always asked her to stay. After some time, they joked that she might as well change her address, so she did. They shared laughs, late-night talks, and a passion that seemed to know no end. They redecorated the living room, took vacations together, and cared for each other when they were sick. Everyone knew them as a couple, and they were happy… until that night.

“I’m not saying that I don’t love you, Casey. I do, it’s just….”

“Please,” she cried, “please don’t tell me, just not in that way after all this time.”

“No. I do love you, you know that. It’s just that….”

“That what?”

“I’m not in love with you, and I don’t know if I ever will be.”

It wasn’t her. It was him, he assured her, and it was amazing how little that helped. He never promised forever, and they never made plans too far ahead. They were happy, but they were coasting. Perhaps they could have coasted forever, but she knew how she felt… and she wanted it all. So they talked. Now, six months later, she wondered if she should have just let things be. 

He called her three days ago.

“Hey, it’s me. Tobias.”

“You don’t have to say who it is… I do remember your voice.”

“That’s good to know. So, I found a box of your winter clothes in the basement, and I was wondering if….”

“I’ll ask Bryce to get them. He can bring them to me.”

“Well, I can do that,” he stalled. “But I was wondering if you could come over and pick them up.”

“At our… your place?”

“If you’re not comfortable….”

“No,” she replied quickly. Disgusted with herself at the hope she felt rising without permission in her chest. “It’s fine. I can come over. When?”

And here she was, parking her car in the same spot that had become “hers.”  Walking down the path to the door to which she no longer had a key. But, damn, the place still felt like home. 

“He was asking about you,” Bryce said over lunch.

Casey’s eyes shot up to him, disbelief on her face. “Who?”

“Who are we talking about? Tobias. Are you guys talking again?”

“I mean, we were never not talking. We just… you know… did the post-break-up thing. Better to stay apart. What did he ask?”

“How you were. If you were seeing anyone.”

“What did you say?” She asked far too anxiously.

“I told him you were doing OK, and not that I knew of. Casey, do you want him back?”

She stared down at her salad, poking at a tomato that had done nothing to deserve such abuse. “I’m starting to realize I never wanted him to go in the first place.”

“Then you should tell him.”

“Why? To get hurt again?”

“No,” Bryce smiled. “Just to know that you did. One way or the other. No regrets.”

So she rang the bell to her former home and nervously waited for him to answer.

“Hey,” he smiled brightly, as natural as nothing had ever happened.

She almost turned around and ran to her car. Those blue eyes, that bright smile, the stubble on his chin that used to tickle her when they kissed. She knew every curve of his face, every expression in his eyes. She would give anything to rewind the clock and just let things be. At the time, she thought she wanted more, but now she knew she just wanted to be his. 

“Hello,” he chuckled, waving his hand in front of her face. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she grinned, “I just….”

“Why don’t you come in.”

He caught how her face fell when she saw the living room look different than when she left., and he acted quickly to comfort her. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her any more pain.

“I, uh… I moved things around a bit after you… left. It was just hard to have….”

“… the memories…”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I know why we split, Case. But it didn’t make it any easier. Everywhere I looked… you were there. I had to make some changes.”

“Did it help?” she asked with desperation. “Moving things around, did it help you?”

“A little,” he shrugged. “But really, the only thing that works is time.”

“Yeah, I guess,” she shrugged, knowing that time had done nothing for her.

“Would you like something to drink? Water, some wine, I have that crappy Moscato you used to like so much.”

“Now, why are you keeping in stock if I’m not here,” she smirked.

“It’s a remnant,” he laughed. “Would you like some? I’m sure as hell not going to drink it.”

“Yeah,” she smiled, anything to calm her nerves. “I’d like that.”

They sat at the kitchen table and made small talk. The new restaurant in Cambridge that he just had to check out. The book he read recently that he knew she would love. The longer they talked, the easier the conversation became, and she decided Bryce was right. She had to tell him how she felt. Maybe he felt the same way, perhaps he did not. But there was only one way to know. He had loved her. Wasn’t that enough? It sure felt like it would be now. She was about to say his name when…

“Hey, I’ve got to go to the bathroom, but why don’t you sit on the couch. I’ll join you in a few.”

“Sure,” she smiled.

She brought her wine glass to the sink, just like she would have if this were still home, and she felt her blood go cold when she saw two wine glasses already there. It’s no big deal. She tried to reassure herself. He has friends and was also known to leave his dishes until the next day. She told herself she wasn’t looking for lipstick on the rim but knew she was. Nothing was there, but even if there were, he wasn’t hers anymore. But maybe after tonight, he would be. 

Pushing the thoughts out of her head, she made her way to the living room and got comfortable on the couch that was no longer facing the window. She chuckled as she thought, “I’m so moving this back.”

Then Tobias entered the room, carrying the box containing her clothes in his arms. He placed it on the floor next to the couch, then sat down to join her. 

"I was glad you agreed to come over,” he smiled nervously. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“You did,” she smiled. “Because I wanted to talk to you, too.”

“You did,” he stammered. “What do you want to talk about?”

“No. You, first,” she smiled, praying it was the same thing. How much better would it be if he said it first. “I insist.”

“Well, OK. I will feel better once I get this off my chest. Casey, I’m going to be moving back to DC. That’s kind of how I came across your box. I started packing the basement, and there it was.”

He couldn’t miss the shock on Casey’s face, which wasn’t what he hoped to see. 

“D... DC? You’re moving back… to DC?”

“Yeah. I got a phenomenal offer from George Washington. I’ll be an attending at the hospital, but it’s also an academic role. Research funding budget and all. It’s a great opportunity to do research and, you know… nothing is holding me to Boston anymore, so…..”

“Oh,” Casey whispered, having given up on attempting a brave face. “That’s uh, that’s great news, and I… uh… that’s the last thing I suspected.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want you to hear it from anybody else. You deserved to hear it from me, so…” looking in her direction, he could see how distressed she was becoming. “Are you OK?”

“No,” she began to cry. “I’m not. If you’re going to DC,  I’ll probably never see you again.”

“Honestly, that’s one of the reasons I’m going. Maybe it’s for the best. It’s never easy for either of us when we bump into each other. I mean, that’s not why I’m taking the job, but maybe it’s an added bonus. You know?”

“No,” She insisted. “No, I don’t know. You see, I hoped to talk to you tonight too, and I was going to say….” Her words trailed as she dropped her head into her hands, lifting it again with determination. “What if I went with you?”

“What?”

“To DC. I mean, not right away, but I’m sure I could in time… if you wanted me to?”

“Casey, what are you saying? We're not together anymore, why would you come with….”

“Because I love you, Tobias,” she sniffled. “I love you so much, and I regret ever starting that conversation that led to us being here today. When I came here tonight, I was planning on asking you if we could try again, and I didn’t think you were going to….”  

Catching a glimpse of the sadness and pity in his eyes as he looked her way, she turned around and faced the wall. Her body trembled softly as she tried to conceal her tears.

“Cassey,” he whispered, placing a hand gently on her shoulder. “We split for a reason, baby, and the reasons have not changed.”  

She turned around to face him, putting her hands on his shoulders; she looked pleadingly into his eyes.

“So, you’re not in love with me, and that’s OK. Because you loved me, right? That should have been good enough, don’t you think?”

His heart sank as she let out a deep sob, her head falling into his shoulder as it had a thousand times before. It felt so warm, so familiar, so much like home… but so wrong at the same time. There was a reason they ended things, and no matter the pain, that hadn’t changed. 

She pulled her head back, eyes now red and filled with tears; it broke his heart to see her this way.

“Do you still?” She cried. “Do you still love me, Tobias?”

“Casey,” he gasped, voice full of emotion. “I will always love you. But nothing has changed. In love is just something I don’t know that I’ll ever feel. Being able to say it’s forever, it’s just not in me. But it is in you, and you deserve someone who can give that back to you.”

“If I had never said anything, we’d still be together! We were happy, and we’d still be together, and I’d probably be moving to DC with you, so why not? If I had kept my damn mouth shut, we’d still be together. We’d still be happy!”

“Would we be? Because in time, you would have resented me, and then I would be upset because you were asking for something I couldn’t give. In time, we probably would have been at each other's throats and, as much as I hate to admit it… it’s better it happened this way. I wouldn’t want to be one of those couples that put things off for so long that they hated each other when they finally faced the inevitable.”

“But I miss you,” she croaked as her hand reached to caress his cheek. “And I want to be with you. Can’t we… just try. I don’t have to move to DC. Let’s just try long-distance and see where it goes, Tobias. Please?”

“No, Casey. I don’t want… I can’t go through losing you again.”

“But what if you don’t lose me this time?”

“I would. You know it, too. Look at me and tell me I’m wrong.”

Collapsing onto the couch in tears, he slid in next to her. Gently caressing her hair as she wept into his lap. Tears began to run down his cheeks as well, and it was tempting… so tempting to give in. To say they could try. To hold her and kiss her and make love to her until the tears subsided. But he had to be strong. 

Love comes to us in many ways, for a reason, a season, perhaps even for a lifetime, but not every love is meant to be. They wanted different things, and their time together had come to an end. In time, they would both heal. They’d each find what they always wanted, but that wasn't going to happen tonight.

A short time after, Casey was cried out and ready to leave. He walked her to her car and shared a tearful goodbye before returning to the bed they once shared together. Three weeks later, they said goodbye once more. Then he climbed in a U-haul truck, leaving her watching until he was no longer in sight. 

They never spoke after that day. But several years later, he returned to Boston to visit friends. They were at Fenway, catching a game, when he heard that laugh that once filled his life with so much joy… it was unmistakable. He turned around and saw her, several rows away, looking every bit as beautiful as she had. 

Without giving it a moment’s thought, he stood and began walking her way. He had to say hello, until… the gentleman wrapped his arms around her waist and her head flung back as he kissed her neck. She was radiant, and he didn’t think she could shine any brighter. Then the little girl at her heels tugged at her jacket sleeve, and Casey lifted her up, holding her snug on her hip as the young family embraced. 

He'd be lying if he said it didn’t sting. That for a brief moment, he didn’t wonder what life would be like if he were in that man’s place. If the little girl had his eyes instead of her father’s, but that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

“Hey, T!” His friend’s voice bellowed. “Are you going to get the beer or what?”

“I’m on it,” Tobias nodded, ensuring he headed the opposite way. 

As he walked, something strange happened. The pain in his chest began to subside, and he could feel a smile working on his face. Love can be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Once upon a time, he was blessed to have loved and been loved by her, and he’d carry that with him until the end. But Casey had found her lifetime. They each had followed their path and were now exactly where they were meant to be.

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