#and they give u the good stuff for extractions and nothing for fillings so

[milkweedman]

Glad i had the foresight to bring the scarf (and the next color) to the dentists so i have something to do. It is. Nearly done

[oftenderweapons]

Mold Me New (3) — Taehyung

A Small Town Swoons Story

Pairing: Taehyung x reader (nicknamed Frog — for now)

Wordcount: 3.7k

Genre: ceramic artist!Taehyung, divorced!reader, Strangers to Lovers, Fluff, Angst, Slice of Life

Rating: 18+ (for future smut and explicit thoughts)

Hello to my readers!!! Welcome to the Small Town Swoons Universe! 🥰✨

In this episode: Terry has given very generic instructions to Frog about how to retrieve her birthday gift. A more then welcome surprise follows. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: None. (Wow. I’m shocked.)

Once more let me thank potter supreme @joheunsaram​ (I’d be wandering in darkness and despair without you. Lob U)

Here is my complete masterlist and in case you need it, here’s the Spotify music companion.

Navi: Chapter 1 — Chapter 2 — Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 — Chapter 5 — Chapter 6 — Chapter 7

“Hello?”

You felt deeply embarrassed venturing into the backyard of a stranger.

“Excuse me? Hello?”

The heavy sound of something slamming against the floor of a garage had you slightly worried. You were ready to run away when the door opened. The neighbourhood wasn’t familiar to you and Terry’s refusal to tell you anything about the specific address she had given you scared you even more.

You feared you’d end up at one of Terry’s friends with benefit’s house.

You changed your mind, however, when you recognised the man standing out of the door.

“Frog? Is that you?”

“Taehyung?” You said, recalling the name of the man. You had met him only a couple days before, spending a good time with his friends while your own had ditched you.

“Hello Frog!” He exclaimed, incredibly happy to see you. “Are you here for a four pm meeting?”

“All I know is that Terry told me to be here by four. She gave me the address but,” you laughed, shaking your head and touching your hair nervously. “She didn’t mention it was you. She didn’t say anything. She only said it was a surprise.”

Taehyung’s laugh exploded suddenly, deep and loud. “That explains many, many things.” He nodded to himself, waiting for you to get closer. “Welcome to my studio,” he said, letting the door open a bit wider.

The space inside was bright and airy, with a wall that resembled a glasshouse, while the others were made of brick and lined with shelves. In a corner you noticed a strange contraption, like an iron cauldron, and an unfamiliar machine close to a basin. There was also a large table all along the glass wall, like it was waiting for plants to be hosted, but none were found.

“With me you’ll learn the humble, raw art of modelling clay.”

You turned to him with a furrowed brow, completely confused. “Clay?”

“Yes. Clay.”

“You model clay?” You asked, giving him an amused look.

“I am an artist,” he stated clearly. “I also model clay but that’s not all I do.”                                                                        

“So that’s my gift? A clay lesson?”

“Ten clay lessons. I’ll make you an intermediate.” Taehyung reached a wooden cabinet, opening it and taking out a large block of clay, grabbing something from his apron and detaching a smaller part before putting the clay back in the cabinet. “But first, let me get you an apron.”

You felt your eyes blink in confusion. “You teach?”

“Art should answer anyone’s calls, in my opinion. I help people learn how to call.”

You were positively impressed. The quiet, if a bit Darcy-esque man, seemed relaxed and talkative in his natural habitat.

Taehyung reached a coat hook on the wall, giving a good look at you before choosing a garment suitable for your height. “This should do,” he said, offering it to you and letting you put it on.

You appreciated the independence he allowed you, allowing you to wear it yourself. You hung your tote on the now free hook and slipped your arms and head into the different loops before closing the tie around your waist in a cute ribbon.

“You'll want to fix your hair before your hands get messy,” Taehyung suggested, watching you carefully get it out of harm's way, since the last thing you wished for was dirt in your hair.

“You didn’t mention you teach art the other night.”

He smiled shyly. “The night you introduced yourself, I remembered I had gift lessons booked under your name. I wanted your birthday surprise to stay a surprise.”

You were entirely endeared at the thought. “That’s very sweet of you!” You exclaimed, watching him collect the piece of clay he had previously cut.

“It’s not a big deal,” he murmured, looking away as his cheeks blushed.

He was eager to watch you learn. He already felt like your hands could have so much potential. He had studied them all night after he met you, watching the sinewy fingers arch and straighten and hold and curve. “Okay, let’s start from a little bit of theory.”

He moved to the table by the window, “Would you mind grabbing a bowl with some water, there?” He pointed to a large utility sink in one of the corners, where you found a bowl and filled it halfway with water.

You made a careful work of walking to the table, placing down the bowl and sighing in relief once you realised you had caused no issues so far.

“Two questions. Have you ever used clay before?”

You snorted and shook your head. “Nope.”

“So you supposedly know nothing about it?”

“Exactly.”

He chuckled and bobbed his head. “That’s okay. All you need to know so far, is that clay is a mineral, and it can have different compositions which make it more or less difficult to model and to cook. I’ll have you use very generic clay, which is suitable for beginners, isn’t too picky about cooking and will look a bit plain, but is also pretty easy to shape. You’ll thank me later.”

You raised your eyebrows and smiled.

“It’s easy to work with, it cooks at low temperature and is also cheap, which will make it better if you ever choose to continue this hobby,” he explained. “It will take a fairly long time for you to master several techniques with this one, so no use spending money on fancy stuff. We’ll keep that for when you’re an upper intermediate. All cool?” He asked, checking in on you with his beautiful, dark eyes.

He had very pretty eyes, you noticed.

“Yes, got that.” You confirmed, startling when he slammed the clay against the table.

“Cool.” He replied with half a grin. “Let’s start from zero.”

Once more he extracted a tool from the pocket of his apron, showing it to you. “This is a wire. You’ll find one in your apron too.”

You rummaged in the pocket and found it. “This will help you with step one — Wait. Lemme start from very very zero.”

He walked back to the cabinet and dragged a block of clay out — the one he’d cut a piece from a few minutes ago. “This is called craft clay or potters’ clay. It’s ready-made and you can buy it in any diy shop. Some artists make their own mix, but let’s start with this since it’s specifically made for learners.”

“It looks very tough,” you commented, testing the small amount he’d cut before, prodding it with your finger.

“It just needs some love,” he explained, pouting sadly. “Clay is so misunderstood. It needs to be firm. But it’s pliable, as long as you treat it appropriately.”

You arched your eyebrows. “I just thought it was softer. Messier, somehow.”

“It is once you wedge it and moisturise it.” Taehyung acknowledged. “Clay contains platelets. Platelets make it solid, but also plastic as long as it’s not dry. Right now you have two enemies. Shape memory and air.”

Taehyung’s hands got on the piece instinctively. “Today I’ll only manage to explain wedging and centering. So be careful and pay attention. If you mess up wedging, your life will get ten times more impossible on the wheel. Let’s start.” He brought the main block back in the cabinet. “That one needs to stay fresh.”

Once at the table he settled beside you. “What’s wedging?” You asked, staring at your piece of clay.

“Wedging is your starting point. As you saw earlier, ready- made clay comes in blocks. Which means square. On the wheel, you’ll always start from a cute soft ball. Which means round.”

Taehyung’s hands massaged the clay for comfort. He felt somehow uneasy at the way he was going to interact with you. “Basically clay holds memory of the shape it was in. You want to erase it to make it more pliable. Like… When an introvert is in their comfort zone for too long and you need to get them back in society and you just… force them in several different social circumstances to warm them up, make them more versatile. More sociable.”

God, he felt ridiculous. He was using his inner turmoil to explain pottery.

He was going to defenestrate himself.

“Okay,” you laughed. “I got the introvert thing. I like the parallel.” You smiled and for a second you thought about all the years you’d been there, shaped like a block to fit inside someone’s life — or to fit them in yours.

You could use some wedging too.

“We usually wedge on plaster, or concrete or wood, because they get the extra water out of the clay. You want it to be a tiny bit humid. But not wet.” Taehyung spread his large hands over the small disk in front of him. “You want to make it more homogeneous. Uniform. For today let’s use the ram’s head method. It’s basically like kneading dough.”

His hair fell over his eyes as he bent down, leaning towards the table. “We have a small amount of clay, since you’re starting. You basically want it to become a thick block first.”

He bent the disk in two, turning it in a thicker, longer rectangle before placing his hands to the opposite sides and pressing, making the clay become more compact.

“Okay, try,” he invited you to do the same.

You mimicked his actions, focusing on the cold, solid feeling of the material under your fingertips.

“Use your palms. Don’t be afraid to get your whole hands on it. You’ll need all your strength.”

You nodded and followed his lead, the cold expanding to your palms, the feeling amplifying beautifully. It was somehow reinvigorating after the initial strangeness.

“Good. Now. Ram’s head.” He inhaled and regained his position. “These,” he said, wiggling his fingers, “and these,” he explained circling his hand around his shoulder. “That’s where you want to focus. All your strength resides there. You won’t feel it right now, but you will once you work with larger pieces.” He steadied himself and placed his palms on the sides of the piece. “Palms on the sides. Your wrists will do all the work. Your thumbs wrap around the top of the piece. The other fingers on the back of the piece. Focus on the wrists. You want to push the clay downwards first, then outwards, to the back of the piece. Okay. Position your hands.”

Taehyung stood straight up, allowing you to see his clay, on top of which he was previously bent over.

“I’m not…” You frowned and tried to feel the clay under your hands, trying to recognise the different sides.

“It’s okay. May I?” He asked, bringing his right hand close to yours.

You nodded, waiting for the contact.

It was chalky, somehow, almost dusty with the way the clay was already drying up, but it still held some cold dampness.

He corrected your fingers, staring at them and giving them a slight twist. “This way your wrists should reach just fine.”

He stood at your side, respecting your personal space even though his hand touched you. The smile on his face was the gentlest, most exciting thing you had felt in a while.

“Okay, mirror it with your left,” he told you as he stepped back, regaining his own space.

“This feels nice,” you admitted, giving the first twist of your wrist.

“Let’s see if you still think so after wedging for twenty minutes,” Taehyung chuckled.

“Twenty minutes!?” You said, already worried.

He giggled and shook his head, his curls brushing against his forehead, which you didn’t notice, because you were too busy focusing on the clay under your hands.

“Ten, usually. Twenty if you need very pliable clay. Like if you’re doing hand-building. But we can use something a bit rougher.” Taehyung helped you get out of the position your clay body was stuck in. “Help it with your fingers. Bring it back, yes,” he encouraged you once the position was right. “And now your wrists. Exactly. Look at you. You’re learning!”

He looked excited when you turned to look at him. He was literally shining with the meek sunlight coming from the window.

“I’m learning!” Your excitement mirrored his own.

“Okay, now, watch. This is why it’s called ram’s head.” Taehyung showed you the spiral on the sides, and the elongated triangle on the front.

“That looks fancy!” You said, feeling curious about the shape.

“Keep going and yours will be just like this!” He spurred you on, making you work harder and faster, which eventually led you to the ruthless burning that possessed your arms afterwards.

With his elbow, Taehyung pointed at your shoulder blade. “Just push your body weight into the clay. The whole motion should mimic a wave,” he showed you how. “If your hands are positioned right, you only need to lean in to wedge— Just. Like. That! Good job, Frog!”

You smiled and went on, paying attention to his corrections, and his gentle advice, enjoying the gentleness with which his pinkie finger pointed to a specific direction, or a finger that was in the wrong position, realigning it.

“Nice! Now, tuck the corners in in a cute fluffy ball. See how soft and warm and round it feels now?”

You nodded enthusiastically. There was something in menial tasks that always made you happy with yourself. Seeing the results of your efforts and hard work always made you feel accomplished, productive.

And it’s been a while since you felt that rush, except for seeing an organised shelf in your shop, with books neatly aligned and rated.

“Okay. I’ll show you how to work the wheel. We got little time left, so maybe I can show you the groundwork and then you can toy around with the body I centred, so you can get familiar with the feeling.”

You agreed.

Taehyung gave a few more twists to your clay body and brought it to the wheel. “Okay. Here we go. Forget Ghost, this thing is a lot more difficult than that. And forget all that water. Too messy. Bowl?” He asked.

Your forehead creased as he pointed to a small stand with a basin. It looked like a short version of a vintage stand for those porcelain bowls used in bedrooms.

You moved it closer to him.

“Thank you,” he smiled and caught the clay body, throwing it on the middle of the turning plate, currently still as he hadn’t yet activated the wheel.

“You can aim for the centre. There’s an indentation to show it. See,” he pointed to the plate. “There are all these circles to show you if you’re actually following the shape.”

He dipped a finger in the bowl, letting the extra water drip down, until it was just slightly damp. “You run around the base to seal it. That way you don’t need to slam it down and you don’t risk watching it unstick and mess around with you.”

“Okay. Great!”

“Now. Position is very important. With your legs you hold the holster and the wheel. Don’t worry about getting too close. Check three things. Knees around the wheel. Elbows braced on your thighs — that will stabilise you. And your torso leans forward. Not angled but perpendicular to the wheel. You need to be right on top of it, so your weight sinks down. Not across.” He showed you the correct position, his lean frame protecting the ball of clay like a hen defends her chicks.

Watching him become so tactile and connected with the material under his hands was endearing, but also fascinating, especially with the way his hands wrapped around the body.

“Okay, let me centre it for you, then you can try. It’s a procedure that can go back and forth, so I’ll have you doing this over and over for a few times. It will help you familiarise with it.”

“Thank you,” you replied, watching his fingers sink in the water. “Now, trick. You wet your hands. Let them drip down just a little, so you don’t drench your piece. If the piece is drenched, the platelets will loosen and the walls of your cup, bowl, vase, whatever will collapse. And we don’t want that, right?”

The way his head snapped towards you with an inquisitive look made you shake your head and reply readily, “nope.”

“Exactly. So, we sink our hands in, rest, and— one, two three, drip and—” he moved his hands over the clay body, letting a few tens of droplets fall onto the material. “Nice and wet. Not sodden, of course. We don’t want that, remember?”

You blinked and nodded as his hands started moving.

Taehyung grinned as he noticed your captivated gaze. You were learning. You were curious, interested, completely amazed. It was the most satisfying look he had ever seen. “This is your treasure now. You curl yourself around it and protect it. Like a dragon hoards its gold.”

He leaned down into the piece, his foot looking for the pedal and pressing it down very, very delicately.

“Your pinkies and ring fingers are doing all the work right now. They seal around the base, reinforcing the sealing we did before. Once you gave enough spins around the base — oh, feel the plate with the side of your pinkie and palm!” He reminded himself, showing you the part of his hand and securing it around the wheel once more. He corrected his position. “You will feel the clay push you up. That’s when your palms close in. You want to make sure it goes up.”

The wheel suddenly stopped and Taehyung showed you the result. “See. Cute mushroom shape. A two inch stem, and then the round hat.”

You bent down to check and studied the way the table started spinning slowly again, showing you the consistent shape.

“More water. Same technique.” He repeated the dip-drip process. “Now. Pinkies stay in. Lots of pressure. And your palms are going to push the hat of the mushroom up. You want it to turn into a cone. So once the hat disappears, you’re gonna keep your hands steady, with a lot of pressure, and drag them up, slowly. And bend them inwards slightly, into a tip.” He followed the process with his hands, his fingers steady and his veins thicker at the effort and the pressure. The way his elbows braced against his hands brought even more blood to the back of his palms.

Still, you didn’t let that cloud your focus. You stared at the process, especially once he stopped the wheel and took his hands off.

“Now we’re bringing it downwards with the thumbs. We’re helping it regain the center. This,” he prodded the ball of his thumb, the soft part where the finger could sink, “is the part that gains the centre. You push it down, while your fingers lean over. Like you’re projecting energy from your palms.” He finished showing the procedure, showing how the ball of clay was a perfectly round dome, placed in the exact middle of the wheel.

“Now you take the lead!” He turned to you with a grin.

With a shy blush you watched him stand up and gesture to the seat elegantly.

You settled down and fixed your position around the wheel, following the instructions he had given you previously.

“That’s nice. Closer.” He corrected you helping your seat closer to the holster of the wheel.

“Now we’re ready to go. Wet your hands—” he directed you, helping you count the dip and drip. “Steady.”

You placed your pinkies tightly around the base, feeling the dome a bit too large for your hands. That’s because it was shaped for his large hands.

“Yes. Steady,” he encouraged you. “Go.”

The taglist is open!

Navi: Chapter 1 — Chapter 2 — Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 — Chapter 5 — Chapter 6 — Chapter 7

[jungshookz]

hhhhh nurse!jk where he’s taking care of u before ur like surgery and u’ve always thought that like “damn i got a spicy nurse time to create a grey’s anatomy episode” then its prep time and they give the drugs and when y/n is Hopped Up she sees jk and its all “aYYYEEE ITS THE HOT NURSE™️” and its just constant flirting

➺ pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

➺ genre: nurse!jungkook!!!!! fluff that will give you cavities (remember to floss!!), y/n’s normally already really cute but somehow she’s cuter when she’s all looOoOopy and jungkook’s already obsessed 

➺ wordcount: 3.8k

➺ note: i loved this request and i think i went a little overboard but it was totally worth it!!! i don’t think general anaesthesia is typically used for wisdom teeth surgery but for the purposes of this drabble it iS also i have never gotten my wisdom teeth taken out but if nurse jungkook was there i would happily let the dentist harvest all of my teeth aLSO i have been waiting for forever to use this gif because jungkook is just so!! handsome!! 

(gif isn’t mine!)

                                        ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“take this blindfold off of me because i’m literally about to burst from excitement-!” you reach up to yank the blindfold off that tae foRced you to wear before leaving the apartment

he didn’t tell you where he and jimin were taking you but you have a feeling it’s that new dessert place because you’ve been hinting that you’ve wanted to go to it for like two weekS

and you’ve never been good at being subtle so (“oh my god it’s so nice out today! …you guys know what else is nice? bubble tea waffles.”)

although you will say

you didn’t expect a dessert place to smell so….

you’re not sure what the right word is

clinical?

you don’t think clinical is a smell but if you hAd to describe what your nose is picking up right now it has to be clinical

as soon as your eyes adjust to the light you-

…

oh my god

this isn’t the,,… this isn’t the new dessert place with the bubble tea waffles and the matcha soufflés,,.,. this isn’t a dessert place at all.,.,.

this is-

THE DENTIST’S OFFICE

“oh, no.” you let out a shaky breath and feel a shiver go up your spine

you hate the dentist’s

everything is just too.,. white

too sparkly

too clean

and yeah it’s probably good for a dentist’s office to be squeaky clean because that would indicate that their services are also squeaky clean but

uhUGHS

you just HATE going to see dentists

it all started when you were six years old

when you were six, you had to get one of your teeth pulled out and you’ll never forget the sound of the horrific crack of your tooth being pulled out of your gums

and the feeling of getting your tooth extracted!!!

the nurse didn’t inject enough of that numbing stuff into your gums so you felt the- 

hKJDHs

the fEELING

if you think about if for too long you start to get nauseous

the point is

there’s no way in hell you’re going to sit there and willingly let the dentist pull out all four of your wisdom teeth in one go

six year old y/n could barely handle one  

you whip around to look at jimin and tae “how could you do this to me?”

“we had to!”

you feel betraYED by tae because he said he was going to take you to the dessert place as a reward for doing well on your history paper but obviously he wants to punish you instead because instead of sitting down on a plush leather chair, you’re going to be sitting down on a cold, squeaky.., dentist’s chair?

is there even a name for that specific type of chair

you pause before pointing a finger at jimin “and, you! how could you do this to me?”

you feel even more betrayed by jimin because he was the only one who you talked to about that time you went to get your teeth cleaned and how the dentist ended up telling you that you needed to get your wisdom teeth removed (he also reminded you for the millionth time to remember to floSS)

he even did a whole x-ray on you and sure enough it did look like those molars of yours are trying to squeeze into places where they shouldn’T be squeezing into

you honestly would rather live with the discomfort for the rest of your life than have some freakshow dentist get all up in your mouth and pULL your teeth out like a psychopath

you should have suspected something because when jimin asked you when you were planning to get your wisdom teeth taken out you responded with a snort and a “never.” and he responded with a “…huh.”

“i trusted you, you know.” you seethe as you start pacing around a little bit “there’s a special place in hell for people like you.”

“oh, don’t be like that.” jimin makes a face before raising a brow

“don’t you need to make an appointment or something?? you can’t just drop in and-“

“we made an appointment for you, don’t worry!” taehyung offers you a smile and pats your shoulder before pointing to the front desk “i’ll go tell them you’re here now and i’ll even help fill out the form for you.”

“everyone has to get their wisdom teeth removed, y/n - it’s now or never.”

“yeah - and i prefer neVER- get me OUT OF HERE-“ you make a break for the door as soon as you’re sure taehyung won’t be there to stop you

jimin is strong too and you’ve never tried it but you’re pretty sure you could take him in a fight any DAY-

“wh- noT so FAST” jimin loops an arm around your waist and yanks you backwards right as your fingers brush up against the cold metal of the door handle

“please pLease i don’t wanna go in i don’t want to-“ you start sobbing as you flail your arms around before slouching down over jimin’s forearm

he lets out a groan and smacks the back of your head

“we know you have the ability to cry on command, cut it out!”

you immediately stop crying and you reach up to wipe at your watery eyes

you sniffle and stand up straight “…well, it was worth a shot.”

jimin unravels his arm around your waist and gives everyone around you guys a sheepish smile before yanking you back with a grunt of frustration “you’re acting like a child.”

“you’re acting like a child.” you grumble and plop down on the chair  

your fingers drum against the arm of the chair nervously

“you don’t have any allergies, right?” tae hums as he continues to fill out the form 

the pencil scratches against the paper as he ticks a box 

“…if i do, does that mean i don’t have to go through with this?”

tae snorts and scribbles something down on the clipboard in his hands “taking that as a no.”

okay

okay okay okay

don’t panic

there’s still a way out

maybe you can just excuse yourself to the bathroom

oH but you know for a faCt taehyung is going to follow you there to make sure you don’t run to the elevators

it’s okay

you’ve never tried flushing yourself down a toilet before but there’s no time like the preSENT

or maybe you can go out there and pull the fire alarm

you’re sure you have enough loose change in your bag to pay for a $1000 charge of misusing a fire alarm

maybe

“y/n y/l/n?”

you curse quietly when you hear your name being called

well

you had a chance to sliP away but instead you sat here like a sitting duCK

and now you’re about to get all your dang teeth pulled out of your mouth

you slouch further down on the seat in hopes that the nurse will eventually give up on you if you don’t respond

“she’s right here!” taehyung yanks you up off your seat before nudging you towards the-

oh

hello

you swallow thickly

to put it simply,.,.,.,. the nurse is really frickin attractive

perfectly tousled raven hair

a very boyish face, really

a very pretty smile!!!

two small, silver hoops hanging from his lobes

he looks to be about your age

younger than tae and jimin maybe?

and you didn’t think scrubs could ever look fashionable but he’s really pulling off his baby blue scrubs

“you want us to come in with you?” tae nudges you gently and you shake your head in response

“i think i’ll be good.” you clear your throat and wipe your clammy hands down on the back of your jeans

“alright, well… we’ll be here when you come out. there’s nothing to be nervous about, okay?”

“mhm, yeah” you respond absentmindedly and tae arches a brow

you’re more nervous about making a good first impression on the nurse rather than the fact that you have to have your teeth extracted

the last thing you want is for him to think that you’re a big ol baby or something

because you’re not!!!!

you are NOT a wimp

in fact you’ll rip your oWn teeth out of your mouth to prove it to him

just kidding

u can’t do that

jimin and tae both watch as you disappear behind the sliding glass doors

“…she thinks the nurse is hot, doesn’t she?” jimin hums as he flips through a magazine and crosses his legs

“she was practically drooling over him.”

there’s a bit of awkward silence as you follow the nurse to the room

you’re not sure if it’s appropriate for you to striKe up a casual conversation

“so, miss y/l/n. you’re here to get your wisdom teeth taken out?”

“oh, you can call me y/n. miss y/l/n makes me feel like i’ve aged 30 years.” you snort as you settle down in the chair

just as you remember it

cold and haRd

you clear your throat and watch as he shuts the door behind him “um… what’s your name?”

he looks up at you and offers you another one of those bright smiles

“i’m jungkook.”

goD

even his name is cute  

“so, do you think you can explain the whole procedure to me? i’ll probably be able to relax a little bit if i know what’s going to go down. also, am i getting all four of my wisdom teeth extracted today? because i don’t know if i’m going to be able to handle that but my friend taehyung said that-“

“you are definitely not getting all four of your wisdom teeth taken out today. i mean, some people like to get all of it done and over with in one go, but your friend mentioned that you were feeling a little anxious so i went ahead and informed doctor kim to extract just two of them!”

great

so you have to come back

“where’s the doctor?”

“he’ll be here in a bit. he’s just finishing up a root canal in the other room but he told me to take care of the anaesthesia first so that when he comes in here you’ll be ready to go- i don’t know why you needed to know all of that but… yeah!”

jungkook doesn’t know why he’s become so awkward all of a sudden

it’s almost like he’s completely forgotten how to socialise because he knoWs he’s just in Nurse Mode right now and he kind of wishes he was in Cool Nurse Mode because yoU seem like a very cool person that he would like to get to know outside of a wisdom teeth situation

if he would’ve known he was going to be working with a very cute patient he would’ve worn his cleaner scrubs

he chews on the inside of his cheek anxiously as he disinfects the gas mask to get ready to drug you up

you seem to be very friendly so he doesn’t know why he has the inability to keep a casual conversation going

lucky for him you also seem to have a lot of questions

“is it just going to be me and the doctor? alone?? in this room?” you swallow nervously and look around the room

you don’t trust dentists

you trust doctors but you don’t trust dentists

what kind of sane person would be interested in pulling teeth out of mouths?

the answer is nobody

in conclusion: dentists are psychopaths

“oh, i’ll be in here too!” jungkook chirps as he tosses the disinfectant wipe away

he spins around to face you as he leans back against the (too clean) counter

“you know, someone has to be there to take care of rinsing the blood out of your mouth-“

your eyes widen to the size of saucers and jungkook freezes

oh frick

he’s supposed to be calming you down not hYping you up!!!

“that- that was supposed to be funny but i’m realising that you probably aren’t the right audience for jokes about ripping bloody molars out of- you know whAT how about i start prepping you?” jungkook clasps his hands together before spiNNing back around and you can’t help but giggle lightly

he’s kind of dorky

which is cute

very cute

“on a scale from 1 to 10 how bad is this going to hurt?”

“you want my honest answer?” jungkook hums as he clips the little bib around your neck

jesus

he smells good too

“honesty is a good trait to have.” you lean back against the chair as jungkook turns to get the anaesthesia tank ready

you tongue prods against your back molars nervously

they seem like they’re wedged in there reAl tight so good luck to the dentist

“considering the fact that you’re going to be completely unconscious, i’d say… -2.” jungkook holds the mask up to the light to make sure there aren’t any specks of dust in there “trust me, you’re not going to feel anything. it’ll almost feel like a nap! and naps are nice!”

oh!

see

there you go

nothing to worry about

naps are super nice, after all

frick

maybe you should’ve asked tae to come in because you feel like you’d feel better if you were holding someone’s hand

unless…

“alright, let’s get this show on the road!” jungkook rolls over on his little wheely chair and drags the tank of gas behind him “dr. kim just texted me, he’ll be here in a minute.”

ok

okay okAy

just go for it

“this is… kind of a silly request, but-“ you swallow thickly before looking down at your folded hands “do you think you could hold my hand or something? you don’t have to, obviously, but i just- coming to the dentist’s makes me exTra nervous and i guess i would just feel a lot better if-“

your cheeks flush when jungkook reaches down and places his hand over yours

(he just hopes his hand isn’t clammy)

he gives you a little squeeze of reassurance before raising the mask for you to see

“you wanna count backwards from 10 for me?” jungkook smiles and tilts his head as he places the mask over your mouth

hm

“i think i might have to count back from 30 because i’m really not…”

oh god

what’s happening

you feel lightheaded

“not…feeling anything yet…” your eyelids flutter gently

hOo boy

you’re drifting

it feels like your soul is leaving your body

“alright, count back from 30 if you’d like.” jungkook hums and reaches over to brush a strand of hair away from your face

“30, 29, 28… 27… 20..6….”

you barely make it to 20 before you pass out

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(jungkook holds ur hand the entire time anD manages to keep ur mouth free of spit and blood at the same time!!)

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(your finger twitches at one point and he squeezes your hand tighter)

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“y/n?”

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“y/n…? can you hear me?”

▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓

your eyelids flutter open and you wince slightly at the light shining direCtly into your eyes

“hey, there we go… you were out like a light! dr kim told me to stay with you til you woke up-”

whaz happenign

where er u

y u can’t feel face

y u cant pheel ur own face

you reach up to pat your face to check that it’s still there

o no

u can’t feel face

U CAN’T FEEL faCE

“my face- my faze is gone i can’t feel it-“ your eyes light up immediately when jungkook appears next to you “oh, it’s yOU-! you’re the- ur the hoT nurse-”

he laughs lightly as he helps you unclip the little bib

this isn’t the first time he’s been hit on by a drugged up patient but it never fails to surprise him

he’s not usEd to the attention ok!!!

“yes, it’s me! look, there’s nothing to worry about, you’re at the dentist’s-“

“i’m at the deNtist’s why am i at the dentist’s???” you jolt up from the chair and look around

WhY are you at the dentist’s??????

who brought you here!!!!!!

you’ll kill them

“to get your wisdom teeth taken out, remember?”

you can’t help but whimper when jungkook presents a little plastic baggie to you

lo and behold

two bloOdy molars

“why would u take them out? i’m already dumB enough and now i have leth wisdom becauthe u took them out-” your voice is kind of muffled because there are cotton pads in your mouth for the bleeding

your brows furrow in confusion and you shove your fingers into your mouth to pull the pads out

jungkook immEdiately reaches over and wraps his fingers around your wrist before tugging your hand out gently

“there’s thomething in my mouth” you say dumbly and jungkook nods

“you’re right, there is something in your mouth. no touching, okay?”

“ok”

jungkook always likes the aftermath of the anaesthesia because the patients kind of act like needy babies

it’s cute!!! and you were already cute before the drugs so now you’re extra cute and he’s feeling awfully soft for some reason

a moment of silence goes by

you clear your throat

“why i can’t- why can’t i feel my faze tho”

jungkook glances at you over his shoulder

“remember the drugs i put you on?”

you furrow your brows before looking down at where you’re sitting

you look back up at jungkook

“you didn’t put me on drugs you put me on a chair - see?” you pat the arm of the chair and jungkook raises a brow before chuckling lightly

“let’s get you back to your friends, okay?”

to say the least

jungkook barely knows you but he’s already completely enamoured and infatuated 

you’re like a little duckling!!!!!!!

he gave you his arm to hold onto so that he could walk you back to the lobby without you falling flat on your ass but you looped your arm through his anD grabbed onto his hand at the same time and his heart skipped a beat because that was so cute!!!

and now your cheek is smooshed against his bicep as you lean against him and he just-

he’s obsessed

“wait, i need to tell you something…” you shake your head and grab onto jungkook’s wrist “becuz honestly i’m prolllllly not going to come bak here because i don’t like not being able to feel my face-“

jungkook snorts

you have to come back because you still have two wisdom teeth to pull out

but he’s not going to say anything because you’re in a very delicate state right now

“yes?”

“you wanna go out for ithe cream one day?” you look up at him while keeping your cheek squished to his arm and he practically meLts at your doe eyes

he is a deer in the headlights of love

the slight lisp is just the cherry on top

“-orrrr coffeeeee if you’re not an ithe cream person but i’M an ithe cream person-“

“like on a date?”

jungkook can’t tell if ur being serious or not considering the fact that there are enough drugs in your system right now to knock out a whole sanctuary of elephants

you nod enthusiastically and squeeze his hand “ya we can call it a date if u want!!! oR it can be a super casual hang out but i juz think ur super cute n i’m not jus sayin that because i’m hopped up on druGs-“

the little wrinkle of your nose and giggle when he responds with a ‘i would love to go for ice cream with you.’ shouldN’t have made jungkook feel so giddy but-

“alright, she’s still a little loopy from the surgery but she should be fine! the gauze pad placed over the surgical area should be kept in place for about a half hour and then you can go ahead and remove it. make sure she doesn’t touch the wound because-“

“why- wYYyy are you talking like i’m not standing right here??? you can juz talk to me direCtly” you tug on jungkook’s sleeve and he glances at you

you lean against his shoulder and reach up to pat your swollen cheek tenderly

owie :-(

jungkook’s mouth twitches in a fond smile

:-))

he knows you’re not going to remember even half of what he tells you but he’ll play along

thankfully you have your friends here who are conscious and will probably remember everything he’s going to say

“riiiight, my bad. how about you stand over here, hm? right in front of me”

jimin pulls you towards him and you stumble a bit before turning around so you can face jungkook

“you may prrrroooceed.” you roll your ‘r’ before giving jungkook a little curtsey

“thank you very much, your majesty. as i was saying, don’t touch the wound because that can cause bleeding and that wouldn’t be good. take the prescribed pain medications as soon as you begin to feel discomfort - that’s probably going to happen after the effects of the anaesthetic diminish. also, placing ice packs on the side of your face might be a good idea to help with the swelling.”

“the thwell- the thwelling???” you gasp and reach up to pat your face again

o god

you probably look like a chipmunk right now

in front of juNGKOOK

even in your drugged up state you knoW that you don’t look the least bit attractive right now

“we-“ you turn to look at tae “we gotta go home cos i don’t look cute righnnow and i wan jungkook to think that i look cute-“

“okAy let’s get you home!!!” taehyung cuts you off and gives jungkook a sheepish smile

“c’mon, get up-“ jimin squats down so that he can give you a piggyback ride because he feels like it’s going to take a lot longer to get home if they let you toddle around on your own

“jimin i needa tell u i’m going out on an ithe cream date with jungkook because he’s really pretty and-“

“uh-huh, you sure are going out with jungkook! definitely!” jimin chirps as he walks out the door with you on his back

he bounces slightly to adjust you

taehyung turns back to face jungkook before starting to back up towards the glass doors “sorry about her, man-“

“byeeeee, jungkook! i love you!!!! weLL okay i don’t loVe you yet but i couLD-“

“so, we’ll see you later for y/n’s other set of wisdom teeth!” tae chuckles and looks over to see you slumPed over jimin

“yeah, i’ll see you guys later!” jungkook smiles lightly and-

“i’m totAlly gonna let him put hishands down muh pants on our date if he wants to-“

jungkook snorts

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

drabble tag

[earlysunsetsoverambrose]

Operation Sweet Surprise (3/3)

Lester Sinclair x f!Reader (Romantic or Platonic)

Warnings: Cursing, Blood 

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! It really means a lot whenever you guys take the time to tell me you like these stories! I truly appreciate it and I hope you enjoy this final chapter!  

Back at Lester’s cabin, you two were having the time of your lives and making quite the mess. You managed to get the cake in the oven and were now working on the pie. Lester had somehow managed to get egg on his hat and flour all over his face while you had dried batter on one of your arms a stain on your pants from spilling vanilla extract. You found what Lester lacked in grace, he made up for with enthusiasm. He followed your instructions to the letter, with minor hiccups, trying his best to make you proud. He was a great assistant.

“Alright, what’s next, boss?” Lester asked

“We need to peel and slice up these apples.” You said as you handed over an apple.

“Yes, ma’am!” Lester said, whipping out a clean knife and getting to work. You both began working in comfortable, silent concentration. The sweet smell of cake soon began filling Lester’s small cabin. You should have known better than to look away from your hands, but you were only glancing at the recipe for one moment. Of course, in that short second you managed to slice the side of your finger. You hastily dropped the knife and squeezed your hand.

“Shit!” you hissed as you stepped away from the counter to avoid getting blood near the food.

“What’s wrong?” Lester said, alarmed at your sound of distress

“Nothing, I just cut myself because I wasn’t looking at what I was doing. Stupid mistake.” You said with a sigh of frustration.

“Let me see.” He said, abandoning his own apple and knife to examine your injury.

“It’s just a small cut, I’ll clean it up before I keep working.” You said, trying not to get worked up at the amount of blood dripping from your hand.

“Nope, you stand over the sink and I’ll get it cleaned up.” Lester said, digging through his drawers until he found a small first aid kit. He came back to stand next to you and started the faucet, “Let’s see what we got.” The blood cleared from around your cut and it wasn’t too bad, “Good, ya don’t need stitches!”

“No way. Call it. I’m knocking on death’s door.” You said with a hint of sarcasm, dramatically throwing your head back.

“Hey, this is some real ER shit I’m ‘bout to do. Hold still!” Lester joked back as he uncapped a bottle of alcohol.

“Tell Bo and Vincent, not to touch my stuff when I’m dead.” You quipped.

“This is gonna sting.” Lester said swiftly as he doused your finger before you could process his words.

“Ouch! It stings!” you winced despite being warned of that exact sensation.

“Well, I said it was gonna sting, silly.” Lester laughed at your expense, pulling out some gauze.

“Are you taking joy in my pain?” you joked as he wrapped your finger tight.

“Naw, I’m laughing with ya! Ain’t it obvious?” Lester insisted as he taped off the bandage, “There! Snug as a bug.”  

“What the prognosis, doc? Am I gonna make it?” you asked, carefully clinging to your newly wrapped finger.

“Well, it don’t seem like we have to take ya out to pasture quite yet.” Lester said with finger on his chin, like he was really considering his words.

“What?!” you squeaked out through your laughter. You two broke out into hysterics before you could continue your game of doctor/patient roleplay. When you finally caught your breath, you wiped away the tears in your eyes, “Thanks again, Lester. I can always rely on you.”

“Sure thing.” Lester said as he packed up his first aid kit.

“You really are the best, you know.” You said fondly, “You’re definitely my favorite. Just don’t tell your brothers.”

“Aw, shucks, Y/N.” Lester stuttered as he rubbed as the back of his neck, turning away to put the kit back. You could still see his ears burning from behind him, “You don’t gotta say that.”

“It’s the truth! And don’t you forget, okay!” you said, turning him to face you. You quickly place a light kiss on his cheek. He went bright red as his hand shot up to touch where your lips had just been, a dopey grin plastered on his face. You giggled at his flustered expression before clapping your hands together, “Okay! No more time to waste! How about I leave the rest of the knifework to you, and I’ll focus on the glaze?”

“U-uh, s-sounds like a plan!” Lester stuttered, dreamily returning to his station.

The kitchen was once again filled with the sound of spirited chatter among the delightful, sweet smell of homemade baked goods, made with love and laughter.

Lester drove you and the treats back to the house. You took care to hold the goods steady so they made it in one piece. They looked incredible. They weren’t picture perfect, but they were clearly done with care and they tasted great; if the crumbs were any evidence. The frosting was mostly even and the pie was a beautiful golden brown. You couldn’t wait to see the twins’ faces when they saw their surprise. You only hoped they enjoyed it.

When Lester pulled up in front of the house, you were relieved to see that Bo’s truck wasn’t there, meaning he was still out. You left the treats with Lester while you went inside to make sure no one was home. The lights were still out, so all systems were a go. You went back out and rushed to the truck, giving Lester a thumbs up. He took the pie, while you retrieved the cake. You both made your way to the kitchen and set the treats on the table next to each other. Lester cleared out the kitchen a little, wiping down the counter and piling the dishes in the sink. It wasn’t clean, per se, but it was as clean as it got in the Sinclair home. You took out two small candles from the drawer and stuck them in the center of each dessert. If there was one thing there was never shortage of, it was candles. Now, all that was left to do was wait for Bo and Vincent to come home. It was just after six, so they’d be back up for dinner soon. You and Lester sat at the table, across from one another, in the dark with anticipation.

“Thanks again for all your help today, Lester. I promise to pay you back.” You said, truly grateful for everything Lester had done for you even before today.

“Don’t think twice ‘bout it! I had a good time with ya, Y/N. Been a long time since I had that much fun. Maybe the most fun in my life.” Lester said looking between the treats and you.

“Me too.” You agreed.

“Matter of fact…uh, I was meanin’ to ask…” Lester started.

“Uh huh?” You encouraged him to go on.

“Well…if it ain’t too much trouble…would ya do somethin’ like this for my birthday?” Lester asked bashfully. Your heart soared as you beamed at him.

“I would love to do that for you! March 31st, right?” you confirmed eagerly

“You remembered.” Lester said quietly, floored that you knew the exact date.

“Course I did! I just wish I’d been around early enough to celebrate it with you this year. Now I’ve got to wait.”

“Thanks, Y/N. And it don’t have to be a surprise or nothin’. Actually, I was kinda hopin’ I could help ya out again. This was so much fun; I figure that’s what I wanna do for my birthday.” Lester said bouncing with excitement.

“That sounds wonderful, Lester! Let’s do it!” you said matching his energy, “And you know, why wait until then? This doesn’t have to be a ‘special occasions’ only thing. We should just bake or cook together whenever we’ve got the time. It was too much fun doing this with you to wait so long to it again. We could even try some new stuff together or teach each other things we already know!”

“I’m all for that, but I’m not sure I got much to teach ya.” Lester said, scratching his head for ideas.

“Um, hello! There are so many things you could teach me! I don’t know anything about cooking deer meat and I’m still a beginner at identifying animal skulls! And I know you’re incredible at wood carving. I saw those little figurines you had in your cabin and you’re going to teach me how to make some!” You gassed him up, “You’re so smart, Lester. You have so much to show me.” It was hard to tell in the dark, but you could’ve sworn you saw a glint of a tear in Lester’s eyes. After a short silence, he finally spoke again.

“Ya sure you’re ready for more knives?” Lester teased

“…We’ll work up to it.” You muttered.

Just then, the sound of the front door opening, stopped your conversation. You heard Bo mumbling something while Vincent’s footsteps fell behind him. You quickly struck a match and lit the two candles.

“What the fuck?” Bo huffed. He flipped on the lights to see you and Lester smiling like idiots with a cake and pie on the table.

“Surprise!” you both shouted at the top of your lungs, “Happy Birthday, Bo and Vincent!”

“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?” Bo asked with a roll of his eyes as he swiped a hand across his face. Vincent peeked from behind his brother, his one blue eye wide with shock.

“No, we’re not kidding, Bo! Now sit your ass down and eat your pie!” you said as you stood to pull both of them toward the table. Lester got up so the twins could sit at the table by their respective dessert, “I know neither of you care very much about your birthday, but I wanted to do something special to celebrate. So, humor me, okay! Lester and I slaved over a hot stove to make these for you.” Vincent looked at the cake you made and back up to you, pointing at himself as though asking it was really for him, “Just for you Vincent! I know that’s your favorite.”

“You did all this shit? Just ‘cuz it’s our birthday?” Bo asked, not taking his eyes off of the pie in front of him. It was like he was afraid to touch it; scared it might bite him. You slapped his shoulder,

“Yeah. You both deserve to be celebrated.” You told him sweetly. He might not take your gesture without being sarcastic about it, but you could tell he appreciated it, “Now make a wish and blow out the candles before they get all over the place.” Bo snorted and rolled his eyes again, but heeded your orders for once. Vincent lifted up the bottom of his mask to do the same before placing it back.

“She even sacrificed her flesh to do all this.” Lester said, gesturing to your injured finger as he took the candles out.

“A worthy cause if ever there was one.” You said looking at perfect patch job Lester had done. The twins were still stunned and neither moved to dig into their sweets. “I know they’re very beautiful to look at, but don’t just stare at them. Take a slice.” You and Lester cut into the desserts and served up the slices to the birthday boys, “I hope they turned out alright, I’ve never baked either of these before.”

“Holy shit.” Bo muttered through his first bite of pie. After his first bite of cake, Vincent’s eye widened even more if that was possible. He dug into his slice with reckless abandon. Bo looked back up at you, “You made this?”

“Sure did, and I couldn’t have don’t it without Lester’s help.” You said smiling back at the youngest Sinclair.

“No way that smelly bastard has anythin’ to do with this.” Bo said shoving the pie into his mouth full speed ahead.

“Hey!” Lester protested

“Without Lester, none of this would be possible, so be nice.” You ordered.

“How did ya know I like apple pie? Pretty sure I never told ya that?” Bo asked ignoring your previous statement entirely.

“You didn’t, pretty pointedly might I add. I figured it out, though. I’m just that good.” You said with a smirk.

“I guess I’ll give ya that.” Bo admitted to your surprise. You couldn’t stop your smirk from turning into a full-on smile. The look of delight in both Bo and Vincent’s eyes were enough to make all your hard work worth it. It all paid off and Operation Sweet Surprise was a success.

“Thank you…means a lot.” Vincent rasped out, looking up at you from his cake. You were practically floating on air at his words. Vincent almost never spoke to you, much less looked in your general direction.

“You are so welcome, Vincent! I’m glad you like it!” you replied

“Can I get a piece of that pie, Bo?” Lester asked reaching for the pan. Bo smacked his youngest brother’s hand away.

“Fuck off and keep your grubby mitts off my pie.” Bo said, moving the dish out of Lester’s reach, “Go bother Vincent and his giant fuckin’ cake.” At that, Vincent shook his head and pulled his cake toward him in a protective hold.

“C’mon, I helped make it! Like Y/N said!” Lester complained, starting a shoving match with Bo, barely making an impact.

“Bullshit.” Bo said simply, easily holding Lester at bay with one arm.

“Hey, I said what I said. You have that pie because of me AND Lester. Now be nice to your brother and share. There’s plenty more pies where that came from. All you’ve got to do is ask.” You said sternly. Bo rolled his eyes and relented,

“Fine, you can have a small piece. Small.” Bo said huffily.

“Yes!” Lester celebrated as he took a slice and enjoyed the fruits of your labor, “Gee, he wasn’t kiddin’, Y/N. This is incredible. Can’t believe we made this.”

“I still don’t buy it.” Bo chimed in.

“Believe it, Beauregard.” You quipped. Lester moved to stand next to you and held his fork out to you.

“Ya gotta have some!” he said poking the bite of pie at your lips. You chuckled as you indulged him, taking the fork into your mouth.

“God, that’s good.” You agreed, savoring the delicate sweetness.

“Course it is! We make a good team, Y/N!” Lester added shooting his toothy grin back at you.

“We’re a great team, Lester. And I can’t wait to see what else we can do together.” You agreed adoringly as you took in the scene before you. It was a perfect place in time: Bo and Vincent hurtling toward a sugar rush with Lester thrilled just to be sharing his slice with you. Everyone was taken care of and content, if only just for this moment. Cake and pies be damned, this was by far the sweetest thing about today.  

[club40audio]

The Olde Towen Buffet

I will be posting, Chapter by chapter, my #Lovecraftian #CosmicHorror #Horror Novel “The Olde Towen Buffet” If you enjoy what you are reading, I encourage you to get ahead of the curve and buy the complete book for $5 (Kindle, $15 in print), or read it #Free on #KindleUnlimited. Also this novel is written, edited, and corrected by me alone, I would be grateful to you #GrammarNazis if you would point out my missteps, and how to correct them in the comments. So that I can improve the #Kindle book. Respectful Criticism, is welcome. I am interested to know your thoughts Chapter by Chapter! (I will not be correcting the bad "returns" and such that seem to be happening as I copy and paste. If this is a problem for you, again, please read the book off of the Kindle book, where these problems do not exist.:) )

Prologue: 

He stood there in the darkness. The sound of chanting voices filling the chamber. He could feel the power pulsing through him, the same power that held him in place and made him unable to move, like a painless, paralyzing, electricity. This was it. This was what he had longed for all his life. He wanted this.  When the time came he would do anything for it. The changes had already begun to take place in him, and oh how wonderful they were. There had been no resistance. When the work was begun in him he hardly knew anything was happening at all… But soon it had been undeniable. Now he stood in the darkness as the flames danced before him casting his shadow on the wall. From somewhere off to his left, he heard the distant wailing cries of the woman he had once thought of as his wife; the woman who he once thought the most important thing in his puny existence. But now he understood so much more. Now he was part of something bigger.  Something... cosmic. She was nothing. Her sobbing would soon be silenced and no longer of any account. She cried his name over and over; pleading with him to break free, to come away with her, but freedom was an illusion, and it meant nothing without power. And this was power.  Her face was beaten and bloody, and seeing that might have once elicited some emotion from him, but now he was beyond such things. Let it happen. Let it come now. No more waiting.  He wanted it to be over. He wanted it to begin. He wanted the power; the strength. All the might which had been conveyed upon him this night was but a taste of what was to come. When he had fully given himself over, when the darkness was embraced, then he would know this strength a thousand-fold. He would do anything, give anything; be anything that was required of him, so long as he could have this.  He had always thought that if somehow this boon was bestowed upon him, that his first goal would be vengeance. He had been sure that he would hunt down all those who had wounded him every day of his life; his father first and foremost of all.  He remembered the plans he had for the boss at the job he had so recently been fired from; Mr. Williams. The man for whom he had worked for nearly fifteen years and who now had ruined him. His life and career were over, not only at his law office, but for all legal work.  He thought of hunting down the girls who had rejected him in High School and even the bullies of the playground.  Yes!  How they would have all paid for what they had done. Anyone who had ever laughed at him, or made him feel small. He would grind their bones to meal. He remembered when he was a child how nearly every day, they had circled him chanting, “Stubby Stanley! Stubby Stanley!” and “Fatty fatty, two by four, can’t fit through the kitchen door.” and the perennial favorite, “U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi!”How they had guffawed when he couldn’t reach the monkey bars from the highest of the supports, let alone hold himself up as he tried to make his way from one bar to the next. Every time he would flop down in the hard-packed dirt below like a sack of moldy potatoes. Then his memories swirled round to the girls who had rejected him because he was shorter than they, and the slow agony he would have extracted from them. Even now when he was becoming something beyond any of their understanding, their words echoed and raced through his mind, solidifying his choice: _“What girl wants a guy they have to get down on one knee to kiss? Tony, now there’s a real man! Six-foot, two and he might get even taller!” __“Maybe I’ll let you take me out when the school has a “Date a Hobbit Dance!” “Do I look like my name is Esmeralda?  ‘Cause I sure ain’t walking around on the arm of no Quasimodo!”  _“Hey, short stuff! Get that ball from off the wall rack!” The coach had shouted at him, knowing he would have to climb up the rack to reach the only ball that was left at the very top. And when the rack had tipped over, as he knew it would, smashing him to the floor bruising his ribs, the coach had called out as the other boys laughed, “If you can’t get hold of a ball when it's sitting on a rack, how do you ever expect to play on my team? Get off the field, and don’t come back Short Stuff!” Then there had been his father: _“Look at him Natalie, he’s sixteen and he barely comes up to my chest! He’ll never bee any good at sports! He’s too small and weak for football. He’s far too short for basketball and he’s got zero hand-eye coordination! My only son is a runt! He’s not even good at academics! And here you are, mollycoddling him! He’s never going to amount to anything!”_  All this and more swirled about in his head, but now he had no thought for revenge, it was all behind him. So small and petty. Now he had worlds to conquer, soon all would bow before the might that was flowing into him. He could feel it coiling through him like a plant; like a vine, it was wrapping around his limbs and sinking into them, imbuing them with a virility he had never known, never could have known, but for the events of this strange night.  The sound of chanting in the darkness had ceased. Had it only stopped now, or was it some time ago? Trapped in a delicious trance of power and haze of remembrance he couldn’t be sure. But now the shadows on the wall were changing, were different, undulating with a light far stranger than any fire could produce. He knew, at last, the time had come. He was about to gaze upon his new master for the first time. He would joyfully submit. He would accept any contract, make any deal. This was all he had ever wanted. He felt the restraining power lift from him, and he could move once again. He lifted his eyes to see a sight that might have driven others mad. But to him it was beautiful. It was this one who had made a new life possible, and from somewhere deep inside himself, he heard his master’s voice speak his name for the first time.

1  “Doggone it!” Ally cursed, straining, stretching as high as she could, “Who built this place! Andre the Giant?” “No, it just wasn’t built for Gnomes.” Said her husband, effortlessly reaching up and taking down the suitcase, he had placed on the rack the night before, the handle of which had just evaded his wife’s grasp.   He handed it over to her as she huffed a begrudging, “Thanks.” And then mumbled, _“For nothing.” _Under her breath. Mark laughed, “Hey don’t hold it against me, I didn’t write your genetic code.” He flopped on to the bed, making the suitcase wobble, as his wife was reloaded it with all of her do-dads and whatnots that seemed so necessary for the care of her appearance. The trip was only going to last a week, but she seemed to have brought enough clothes for three. Then there were  the two extra, small suitcases, full of nothing but beauty care. The total of 4 suitcases had taken up all the space that was leftover in the trunk of Marks Chevy Malibu, once the small toolbox, jack, and four-way lug wrench were pushed to the side. Mark had to put his one small suitcase in the back seat. Now, three days later, they were on their way back from California to Chicago. They had spent the night in Aurora, about 35 miles south of Boulder. They were now only 17 hours from home. It would have been 15 hours, but a major road construction project had begun just after they had passed through on Route 76, on the way to California.   Already at 9 am, traffic was backed up.  According to the Mapping app on their phones, going back that way would have added nearly five hours to their trip. Mark had asked his wife to remind him to take route 70, in the morning so they could avoid that nightmare.  It came to her mind as she fit her curling iron and hairdryer back into the already cramped suitcase. “I wish we didn’t have to go around the construction, I hate Kansas.” “What’s the matter with Kansas?” asked Mark, “I love all that farmland, especially this time of year, just before the harvest. All those fields of green. It's beautiful.” “It's boring. Flat straight and goes on for what feels like forever! Did you know there are more single-vehicle accidents in Kansas per-capita than any other state? People get hypnotized out there driving on the roads alone, and when the road turns, they don’t. They go flying off into a ditch somewhere, and drown in a creek bed.” “Where did you read that?” Mark asked laughing to himself. “Oh on the internet somewhere…. Which reminds me I better check my phone while we still have service, I just know we’re going to get out there and lose signal.” “Our service plan covers 95% of the landmass of the continental US, according to the commercials.” “Yeah, and we are going to be driving right through that remaining 5%.” She said snapping the clasps on the suitcase into place, “I guess that’s everything.” “Don’t forget your make-up kit, Shawty,” Mark said, affecting an accent. Ally looked up and groaned. There, on top of the rack was her black plastic make up kit, with all her various blushes and brushes. “I’m never going to reach that. Why did you put it up there?” “Why did you even unpack it?” Mark replied, not moving from the bed, “When we were in LA, that made sense, you were getting all gussied up for the dinner. That made sense.” He repeated. “But last night you were getting ready for bed, and you took it out of your suitcase.  There’s nobody here but me, and you know you shouldn't wear makeup to bed. And then, you didn’t even use it.” “I was setting it out for the morning, I was planning to put my face on before we left, but I couldn’t find it.  I figured it had gotten buried in the clothes and I didn’t want to dig it out.” Ally said, annoyed. “Put your face on? For what? The drive home? You and me and miles and miles of corn?” He got up off the bed and moved toward her. “Besides I think my wittle munchkin looks so much better without her make-up.” He said affecting a “baby-talk” voice. She punched him in the bicep, hard enough to sting but not to truly hurt. “Ouch!” he said, playing it up. “Stop picking on my height. You know I’m sensitive about it.” “But you are just so cude!” He said, still in baby-talk, wrapping her in his arms, which from fingertip to fingertip of the opposite hand, were exactly 5 feet, 11 inches, perfectly proportionate to his height, “I wuv my Widdle Baby Wifey!” He picked her up and spun her around. “Stop that!” She said half laughing, “Put me down!” she said, even though he already had. “I may be only 5 feet tall but I’ll kick your butt anyway.” He laughed and reached up for the make-up kit, handing it to her. “Here you go Smurfette.” She ignored the jibe and reopened her make up suitcase, “Why’d you put it up so high?” “Because you had it on the sink and I needed to shave.  I didn’t want to ruin anything, with drops of water flying everywhere…. And I did that so you’d need me to get it down for you later… I have to remind you how much you need me every once in a while… Just in case you get complacent, or think you can do better.” Ally laughed, snapping the suitcase closed again, “I know I can do better, I’ve just grown accustomed to you.” “You know, that’s right.” Mark said with a toothy grin.

[joeybelle]

Starlight - Chapter 27

Cassian Andor x OFC

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Angst, Strong language

Size: 7900

*

Waiting was the worst part. Cora worked and worked and when she didn’t, she made sure to keep busy somehow, but even so she still found herself looking out the window, waiting for Cassian’s return.

The rumours had spread like wildfire and although nothing had been confirmed yet, everyone was expecting the worst. They weren’t talking openly about it and, as far as she could tell, they were all acting like everything was fine, but the frightened look in their eyes told a different story.

Cora ended up spending some time with Melshi, who’d come in for a random check-up, something pretty unusual for him. So, after she made sure he wasn’t dying, she offered him a cup of coffee. She suspected he’d only come to keep her company, and she was really grateful for that.

“What do you think about all this?” she asked, after long minutes of silence and staring into their cups and out the window.

“We’ll have to wait and see,” he shrugged. He didn’t look too stressed, but he had always seemed to keep his composure better than most. Cora wondered if he was that good at hiding it or he just wasn’t fazed by the rumours.

“What will we do if there actually is such a weapon?”

“We fight it! What else can we do?” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Cora wondered just how much of these rebels’ bodies were made of courage and pure optimism.

She propped her chin on her hand, and leaned closer. “How do you fight a planet killer?” she asked with the air of someone who wasn’t really expecting an answer.

“Maybe we can stop them before it’s finished,” he tried giving one anyway. “I mean, we don’t know if it’s finished yet, right? Isn’t that where that Galen Erso dude comes in?” He pulled a pack of crackers from his pocket, ripped it open and pushed it towards Cora. “If he’s built it, he has to know how to destroy it. That’s what I would do. That’s the smart thing to do,” he mumbled.

“I suppose,” she said, taking a cracker, but not biting into it.

“I’ve heard you know them,” he said, filling his mouth with crackers. Cora nodded. “Feisty, isn’t she? Knocked me right onto my ass when we tried to free her.”

So he’d been part of the rescue mission. Of course he’d be, he was one of the best and Cassian trusted him with his life.

“She didn’t seem that feisty to me,” Cora smiled, flipping the rectangular snack between her fingers.

“Well, you see that’s cause you’re scary,” he laughed.

“Really?”

“Really.” Cora could tell he was joking. She knew there was nothing scary about her. “Especially when you’re pissed at Cassian. That’s peak scary.”

She snickered, but then looked out the window again. “Do you think he’s alright?”

“Yeah, he’s a resilient bastard that one. Lucky too,” he said, throwing the empty coffee cup into the trash. “Don’t worry too much about him.”

She’d tried, but she couldn’t help herself. She wasn’t worried only about Cassian, she was worried about the future as a whole. Waiting and not knowing what was going on was killing her. She almost knocked onto the War Room door a couple of times, just to ask what was happening, but she figured there was no reason for her to interrupt them to ask stupid questions. She’d find out eventually, she needed to be patient.

Melshi’s presence was comforting. Despite his somewhat aggravating personality, he knew when to speak and when to shut up. He followed her around the med bay as she was keeping herself busy, telling her jokes, asking about stuff, helping her keep her focus away from the feeling of impending doom. She suspected he needed a little company too and wasn’t doing it only for her sake, so she appreciated his presence even more.

The roaring of engines made them both drop everything and rush to the window. Cora looked at the squadron leaving the strip, holding her breath.

“What do you think is going on?”

“No idea,” he replied, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder and pulling her into a half hug. Cora shuddered, and forced herself to even out her breathing.

“Doctor Enoch,” she heard a voice coming from the doors and they both turned to look. “Your presence is required in the War Room.”

Her heart nearly stopped, and the only reply she could give was a curt nod. She looked at Melshi, but his face didn’t betray any emotion.

“I’ll see myself out,” he said, patting her shoulder. “Go see what the higher ups want this time.”

Cora nodded. “Thank you,” she whispered as she passed him and earned a smile from the sergeant.

The War Room was in an even bigger frenzy than before. She was guided towards the back, where Mothma was talking to Doctor Crane, looking all serious. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. She could feel her knees getting weaker with every step she was taking and she didn’t need a mirror to know that she was deathly pale. There was no reason for her to be called unless something really bad had happened. Cassian’s face appeared before her eyes and she nearly burst into tears.

“Everyone’s alright,” Doctor Crane assured her, before she could even open her mouth to say anything and Cora couldn’t thank him enough. She could finally breathe, although the knot in her throat was still there.

“But the weapon’s been confirmed,” Mothma continued. “It’s been used to destroy the holy city of Jedha.”

Cora’s breath hitched. So it was true. “And the crew?” she managed to mumble through shaky fingers.

“They’re currently running an extraction operation on Eadu. We’ve sent them some backup.”

“Eadu?!”

“Yes, are you familiar with it?” Mothma asked, curious.

“I know about it,” Cora said, realizing her reaction had been completely out of proportion. “Research facility. Shit weather. But you probably already know that.”

“Yes, we do. However, I don’t expect this extraction to go smoothly, no matter how much faith I have in our operatives. I do expect at least a few to… to get hurt,” she said. “I want you two leading the welcoming party; get them patched up before we talk to them. I don’t want anyone dying on us.”

Cora sighed with relief. She was still scared, frightened even, but at least now she knew what she had to do. “I’ll assemble a team and wait for them on the tarmac,” she said, before realizing she’d gone completely over Doctor Crane’s head. She glanced at the doctor, but he just nodded.

“I’ll prep the OR and make sure we’re ready for whatever might come,” he added.

“Good,” Mothma said, smiling briefly. “We’ll let you know if we find out anything else.” And she was gone, leaving Cora with Doctor Crane.

Cora didn’t waste much time either. She had a job to do, and for the first time since the superweapon rumour, she actually felt in control. As much as she could be, given the situation.

She could see Draven in the distance as she crossed the room, looking pretty distressed. She was sure that it wasn’t a good sign, but at this point what was? If she wanted to remain sane, she had to trust that Cassian was smart and lucky enough to come back to her. In mendable pieces, at least. She left the War Room in a hurry, not wanting to see or hear anything else. She felt like the weight of the world was pushing down on her shoulders.

Getting a team ready was really easy: everyone knew what they had to do—they’d done it a million times before—and they rarely questioned orders, even though Cora wasn’t usually the one giving them. But the wait was grueling. Having to stand on the tarmac, looking at a strip of gray sky not knowing anything was exhausting.

Well, she knew a little about what was going on, Mon Mothma had kept her promise and had gotten someone to fill her in. There were five people, not counting K2. The pilot had been imprisoned and might have been tortured by Saw Gerrera and they didn’t know what shape he might be in, so he was top priority. The others appeared to be functional, but Cora knew Cassian well enough to know that he could still function pretty well while being deathly wounded, so she didn’t trust it until she had the chance to examine him. So she waited.

Jedha had been completely wiped off the face of the planet, someone had told her. Only one beam of concentrated energy was all it took to destroy a whole city and everyone inside it. She wondered if anyone had escaped. Probably not. She hoped Cassian didn’t wait around until it was almost too late, but knowing him, he could have just barely survived the blast. She didn't want to know. It was better not to think about it.

But she couldn’t not think about what the existence of the weapon meant for them. She hoped with all her heart that they found Galen Erso and that he could help them destroy it before it did more harm. The only thing she could do right now was to hope.

She knew it was them when she saw an imperial cargo ship coming into sight. It was the last piece of intel she had received, that they would be coming back in a stolen ship. It was a Zeta shuttle, and it made her wonder what had happened with Cassian’s U-Wing. Actually, she didn’t want to know. She only hoped he was okay. That all of them were okay.

The medical personnel rushed towards the landing ship. The first one to come into sight was K2, and Cora breathed a sigh of relief when she realized that he was in one piece. He was followed by a couple of people she didn’t know and a reasonably angry looking Jyn.

“Which one of you is the pilot?”

“Depends on the situation,” K2 replied and Cora had a feeling he’d go into a full blown tirade if she wouldn’t stop him.

“The Imperial pilot.”

K2 pointed a finger at the figure hiding behind his metal frame. “Yeah-yeah, that would be me,” he stuttered, his hunched shoulders making him look smaller than he actually was. “Former… Imperial pilot,” he added, looking down.

“I’m Doctor Cora Enoch,” she said, trying to seem as friendly as possible—Melshi’s words still echoing through her mind even though she knew it was bullshit.

Cassian showed up from behind K2 and passed Cora without even looking at her, striding towards Jyn. They exchanged a few hasty words before heading towards the temple.

“Hey!” Cora yelled after him, making him stop, but not turn around. “Captain Andor, you’ll have to first get through me before going anywhere else.” Her voice sounded more desperate than commanding. He still wouldn’t look at her and Cora was hit by a wave of coldness.

“There’s no time,” he spat and continued walking, Jyn following close by.

“One day I’ll nail you to a bed and dunk you in bacta,” she mumbled, giving up and turning her attention to the other, less stubborn patients, because she knew that no matter how much she wanted to run after him to make sure he was alright, there were other priorities. She knew what her duty was and at that point Cassian wasn’t at the top of the list. Shouldn’t be at the top of the list. She forced herself to focus on the others.

One of them smiled, the one Cora assumed was blind, by the haziness of his eyes. “It won't be that easy getting the captain to sit still long enough to nail him down.” The other man chuckled.

“I've got my means,” she said, allowing a sad smile to play on her lips before becoming serious once again. “Would you two please follow the other medics for a quick check-up?”

“I don't think it would be necessary. We weren’t wounded.”

“Yeah, don't bother with us, we're fine. Just the kid,” the burly one said, pointing at the pilot. “He's been through a lot.”

Cora nodded. “I promise it's gonna be quick,” she insisted. “If anything, they’ll at least fetch you something to eat and drink before the Council will require your presence.” She had no idea who these two were and how they ended up on Cassian's ship— although she had a hunch Cassian might have kidnapped them— but they were her responsibility until further notice so she wanted them taken care of as best as possible. Fortunately, they didn't seem to be the stubborn kind and actually agreed after what she considered to be only minimal protests.

“My name is Chirrut Imwe,” the blind one said, smiling as he followed the other medics. “My friend here is Baze Malbus. It was a pleasure to meet you, Corinthia Enoch.”

Cora’s blood froze in her veins, her breath catching in her throat. She wasn’t used to hearing her full name anymore, especially not from people she didn’t know. She looked after him over her shoulder, wondering how much of a threat he was to her. There was no reason some blind dude Cassian had picked up from fuck knows where should know who she was.

“Come on, Chirrut. You're scaring her,” the other one added.

“I didn’t mean to scare her,” he responded, turning around and taking a couple steps in her direction, but the one he’d called Baze Malbus put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about me, I’m a friend,” he said with a smile.

Cora smiled in reply but it was forced. “Please follow the medics,” she said, trying to hide her unease. Something told her she should have kept her blaster on hand. “Who are they?” she asked in a hushed tone, once they were far enough to not hear her.

“Guardians of the Wills,” the pilot replied. “They guard the Jedi temple on Jedha… well, used to.” The sadness was very easily noticeable on his face. Cora felt for him, she knew it would be insanely painful having to watch a whole city being completely erased.

“Are they Jedi too?” she asked, trying to shift his attention a bit. She’d only heard stories about the Jedi and it was really hard to imagine that there had been a day when they’d existed as more than just legends.

“No… I don’t think so.”

“Alright then. Will you follow me, please?” she said him, before turning around to look at the black droid. “Are you okay? Do you want me to call someone to check you up?” She had no idea how to look after a droid—her engineering background could come in handy in a pinch, but she didn’t trust herself to do a good job. However, she knew she could find someone who knew.

K2 scoffed, or at least that’s how Cora interpreted the cacophony of noises. “I’m fine. I wouldn’t let anyone besides Cassian poke at me anyway,” he said in an offended tone and Cora did her best to hide a smile. Of course he wouldn’t.

“As you wish,” she said, motioning for the pilot, who was still hiding behind K2, to follow. “You know where to find me if you need anything,” she told the droid, as she waited for the pilot to climb down the ramp. His legs were a little wobbly.

She suggested a gurney, but he refused, insisting to walk to the med bay instead. K2 followed them with his eyes until they disappeared inside the temple.

Cora decided to take the pilot, Bodhi Rook—as he introduced himself—to the main med bay upstairs. It was the best equipped and it was the place she felt most comfortable in. She let the others take care of Chirrut Imwe and Baze Malbus downstairs, since they seemed to be in pretty good shape, according to the few tests they’d run already.

Bodhi Rook was in a much better shape than she’d expected, although the scanners did show some worrying signs. She’d hooked him to an IV to make up for dehydration and lack of nutrients, gave him some antibiotics for his wounds and something to calm him down a bit, since he was a little jittery.

“You have suffered some sort of brain injury recently,” she said, frowning at his brain scan. “It’s not extensive and it’s already starting to heal, but I’ve never seen this pattern before.”

Showing her patients that she didn’t have a clue what was going on was tabu, but she was curious. She knew he had been tortured and he looked the part, but she had no idea how he’d gotten that sort of injury. It wasn’t consistent with head trauma, there were no signs of asphyxiation, it didn’t look like a stun gun or baton either. It was something she’d never seen before.

“Oh,” he said, his face lighting up like he actually knew the answer. “That was Bor Gullet. I think,” he explained.

“What’s Bor Gullet?”

“That’s what Saw Gerrera called it,” he said, and a wave of unease could be seen clouding his features. “It’s this creature, with tentacles. It can get into your head and find out things. Read your mind, find out if you’re lying.”

Cora felt a cold shiver run down her spine. “A mairan? They have a mairan?”

“I suppose.”

Cora shuddered. Bor Gullet. She remembered them being called Bors. Now his injuries made sense. She’d never tended to someone who had been interrogated with the help of a mairan, but the brain damage was consistent with what she had read.

“They’re terrible creatures,” was all she managed to mutter, trying not to let out all the hate and bitterness inside her. “And so are the people using them.”

“Have you ever seen one?”

“No, but I read about them.” She didn’t tell him that she first read about them in her father’s file and then when she researched the reconditioning facility where he was imprisoned for almost two years. She didn’t tell him that sometimes, even now, she had nightmares that she would be caught and a mairan would suck all the information out of her head and there would be nothing she could do to stop them. And he didn’t ask.

But they talked about little things. Their shared experience working for the Empire, their childhood, some gossip… however, all of these converged into the sad reality of their existence today. None of them could deny the threat the Empire posed, so the conversation eventually died down as they got lost in their thoughts.

The silence between them was comforting, at least. He’d been a really diligent patient, unlike a certain Captain Cora knew. She was still bitter that Cassian had brushed her off earlier, and was really set on getting revenge. Unlike him, Bodhi Rook was calmly sitting in the range of a healing field generator, and he hadn’t even tried scratching off the bacta patches Cora had applied on his various cuts and bruises. She really liked him.

It wasn’t long before someone came to get them. While she wasn’t explicitly invited to take part in the meeting she followed anyway and no one stopped her. There were a lot more people in the War Room than she had ever seen before, mostly unfamiliar faces. She assumed this was the whole Council gathered together for the first time since she’d joined them. How they managed to get them all in one place in only a few hours was a mystery, but she assumed the realization of impending doom had some magical properties.

Cassian was standing at the edge of the crowd, arms crossed over his chest looking terribly guarded. All eyes were fixed on Jyn telling them what had happened, so Cora advanced towards Cassian. She didn’t expect her hand on his elbow to be met with any kind of enthusiasm—after all, he wasn’t one to show his feelings in public—but she didn’t expect him to brush it off.

“Hey,” she whispered, pulling her hand back. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back and took a step to the side, widening the gap between them. “Just busy.” Nothing more. No ‘I’ll talk to you when this is over’, nothing. He advanced through the crowd, until there were at least ten people between them.

Cora didn’t follow. She knew she wasn’t wanted there, and although she didn’t understand the shift, she didn’t question it. He was busy, that much was true, but she didn’t think that she was such a distraction that he wouldn’t be able to focus with her nearby. They would have to talk about this at some point, sooner rather than later, because Cora was starting to get tired of the uncertainty in their relationship. It seemed things were going well between them, and now this.

She assumed the whole imminent death by planet killer was to blame, but wouldn’t that make people kinder? The realization that life was fleeting and the ‘now’ was the only certainty they had?

Cora tried to focus on what was going on around her so she wouldn’t start tearing up. This wasn’t the moment to overanalyze Cassian’s odd behaviour.

The council listened to the story, both from Jyn and Bodhi and, as expected, they started fighting. All of them were scared, some of them visibly so, some hiding it behind a mask of cockiness. She understood very well the urge to drop everything and run into hiding. They would have to either stand their ground and fight, risking being wiped with the planets they inhabited or disband the Alliance, letting the Empire win. Cora didn’t think they would be able to reunite again, once they disbanded. Not to this scale, at least. Everyone would hide as best as they could and live for the rest of their life in fear.

She understood why anyone would choose to live. A year ago she would have done the same thing in the blink of an eye. Even now, her brain was telling her to take that one way ticket out of there that Mothma had offered her, but she hoped with all her heart that they would find a way, find a solution. She couldn’t leave— she didn’t want to—as long as Cassian was still there. As long as her friends and her new found home were still with the Rebellion.

She listened in silence. She didn’t have much to say, and even if she did, she doubted it would make any difference. Jyn had been really passionate, and her speech seemed to have moved some of them, but the majority was still too scared to agree to diving head first into a battle that had all the odds stacked against them.

Their plan sounded crazy too: attacking Scarif to try and steal some plans. That wasn’t something that was going to work, she was certain of it. She knew the security would be really tight, especially now that they knew there was a traitor. Maybe they’d have a chance if they waited, let things settle a bit, and then infiltrate the compound. She might be able to help them out a little, she thought. But by the way they were speaking, it didn’t seem like they’d have the time for that.

“I say the Rebellion is finished,” said one of the senators, and Cora’s breath caught in her throat. She never thought hearing those words would bring so much pain, but her hand went to her chest, clutching the uniform above her rapidly beating heart.

She didn’t believe them. Until she saw it with her own eyes, she wouldn’t believe that the Rebellion was done for.

“I’m sorry, Jyn,” said Mon Mothma. “Without the full support of the council, the odds are too great.”

Cora sighed. She figured as much. They weren’t prepared for such an endeavour right then. But Cora had faith that they would be able to find a way to get the plans and find a way to defeat the weapon in the end. After all, they had the best people working for the Rebellion. They just needed the time to think it through and find the best solution. She wanted to think that this was just one of the bigger bumps in their path, but one they will eventually be able to overcome. Her heart felt heavy.

The meeting was over, it seemed. Everyone was leaving the room, so Cora looked around for Cassian. She’d almost forgotten his outburst earlier, but she felt another pang of unease when she couldn’t spot him anywhere. He must have slipped out of the room when she wasn’t looking. Even in the busy corridor, he was nowhere to be seen. She’d have to hunt him through the base, but she’d do it if that was the only way.

“Doctor,” someone called, and Cora turned around to see Jyn following her. “I thought you might want your blaster back,” she said, touching the holstered pistol with the palm of her hand. Cora liked how she didn’t pull it out to hand it to her in front of everyone. She seemed to know how not to attract attention. She reminded her of Cassian somehow.

“I believe you’d get a lot more use out of it than I would,” Cora said with a smile. “I’m just a doctor after all.” Jyn didn’t insist, instead pulled her jacket to hide the weapon. “Speaking of which, I’d like you to follow me for a routine checkup.” Her voice sounded surprisingly unfamiliar even to herself. She had no idea why she was using her very professional tone, even with someone she was supposed to know. It kept her grounded, she assumed. Her brain was screaming.

“I’m fine,” the girl said, retreating into the wall behind her, something else that reminded Cora of Cassian. “There’s no need for that,” she continued.

“It only takes ten minutes, then you’re free to go,” Cora said, hoping that she was less stubborn than a certain Captain. But if she was, Cora was sure she had enough authority to be able to order her around, even if Jyn was the one with an unregistered blaster. But eventually Jyn nodded and followed her down the corridor. “Have you seen Bodhi Rook?” she asked, scanning the crowd for the pilot.

“I think I saw him head to the elevators,” she shrugged and Cora frowned.

“He should be resting, not walking around the building,” Cora said in a very pronounced imperial manner, an accent that she just now noticed—before turning on her heels and walking towards the med bay with Jyn in tow.

She was shaking. Not her hands, her hands were steady and her face stony as she helped Jyn enter the full body scanner, but her whole being felt like it was vibrating at a high frequency, ready to break any second. She needed to find Cassian, she needed him to assure her that everything was going to be alright. That he was going to be alright. She knew it was selfish, but to her the wellbeing of the entire world somehow came second to his safety.

Jyn was diligently waiting for Cora to finish running her tests, but she seemed jittery. She was nervously picking at the skin around one of her thumb nails almost to the point of drawing blood.

“I’m sorry about your father,” Cora eventually said, not looking her in the eye, but keeping her eyes glued to the data-pad in her hands. “He was a good man.”

“Was he though?” her voice sounded defiant and angry, but Cora expected that. “I don’t know, I didn’t have the time to talk to him because he was killed.”

Cora didn’t know what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ sounded mechanical even in her own mind, and after all, it wasn’t her fault. But she also knew that she wasn’t going to get an apology from the ones that were at fault either, not after the blatant mistrust they showed her in the War Room.

“I’m sorry,” she eventually said, putting the data-pad down on a counter and motioning for Jyn to hop up on the consultation table. “But I think he was a good man. He did what he had to do, and his help is now our only hope. I don’t think I would have been brave enough to try and sabotage the Empire right under their noses.” Cora smiled.

“You left.”

“Took me a very long time to do it, and I had help.”

“You know, I’ve been dreaming about him lately,” she suddenly said, looking down at her hands. “About him and mom. I haven’t thought about them for years, but now it’s like… all of it is coming back. I don’t know if they’re memories or just… he used to tell me to remember that he will always protect me,” her voice trailed off and Cora could see the glimmer of tears in her eyes. She didn’t know what to do, so she started applying bacta patches on her bruises. “In the end, I wasn’t able to return the favour.”

“It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

“It is,” she said, her voice picking up in intensity. “If I can’t even convince them that what he said is true, if we can’t get the plans… It was all in vain. He died for nothing.”

“Trust Cassian,” Cora said with conviction. “He’ll find a way. He always does.” No matter the cost, she thought, but didn’t say it out loud as if afraid that saying the words out loud would automatically make them true.

“Do you love him?” she asked out of the blue, looking up to meet Cora’s eyes.

“Yes,” Cora answered, the weight of the statement only registering after she had said it. “I do.”

Cora dropped the leftover patches on a tray and took off her gloves. “You seem to be in pretty good shape, considering,” she said with a smile. “Although the wounds are superficial, I’d advise you to take it easy and rest for the time being. I can offer you a room with a bed—”

“Thanks,” she interrupted, and Cora wasn’t surprised in the least. “I think I should go find Bodhi. See if he’s alright. He seemed a little bit shaken.”

Cora nodded and didn’t stop her when she gathered her stuff and headed for the door. She knew deep down that the right thing to do would be to stop her, get her to rest and heal even against her will, but she was tired. “If anything happens with either of you, if you feel unwell in any way, come see me,” she said.

Jyn assured her she’d do so and left. Cora crashed onto a chair, covering her face with the palms of her hands. She really hoped she’d wake up and find out it’s been just another bad dream. Unfortunately, she felt incredibly lucid. Her mind was still buzzing.

She knew she had to pull herself together if she was going to be of any help, but she was scared and she had no idea what they could do about it. If she were to be completely honest, the idea of disbanding the Rebellion for the time being was getting more and more enticing.

They didn’t have to disband it for good, no, but they could lay low for a while, move the troops around so they wouldn’t be one single, easy to destroy target. Try to find out what the Empire was planning, find a way to get the plans in the meantime. After all, the Rebellion had some of the best spies in the Galaxy. Sending all of their troops to crash and burn on the Scarif shield was madness, especially since they knew there had been a security breach and they expected an attack. They had to do something, but a direct clash wasn’t probably the way to go right then. Maybe taking a step back would be the best strategy for the time being.

Cora’s fingers were still pressing her temples while her eyes fixed a tiny dark spot on the ceiling when K2 entered the med bay, startling her.

“Hey K,” she said, getting up the chair and fixing her uniform. “What can I help you with?”

The droid seemed a little confused, looking around the place as if this was the first time he’d seen the place.

“I have a favour to ask,” he said, and although his mechanical voice sounded the same as always, Cora thought there was a sense of hesitation surrounding him.

“Sure,” she said, becoming increasingly aware of the tension in the air. “Anything.”

The droid hesitated a little more, poking at a perpetual motion machine that Doctor Crane had put onto his desk. The ticking of the spheres hitting each other filled the room and the droid watched them for a few moments in silence.

Cora waited. Only when he moved towards her did she ask what she could help him with.

“I have something I would like you to hold onto for me, until I come back. It’s important to me and I wouldn’t want it to get lost.”

“Sure,” Cora replied, and the droid placed a blue, iridescent crystal in the palm of her hand. It was an octahedron no bigger than her thumb, its eight sides perfectly smooth, turning a coppery shade whenever one of them caught the light. There seemed to also be a sort of glow coming from the inside, but it might have very well have been the med bay lights reflecting weirdly inside the crystal. “Are you sure you want me to look after this?” It looked really expensive and by the way K2 talked about it, it seemed to be really important to him. “Wouldn’t Cassian be able to take better care of it?”

The droid snorted, if it could be called that way the noise he made. “He can’t even look after himself,” the droid replied. “I think you’d be able to take better care of it until we come back.”

“Where are you headed off to this time?” Cora asked, a shiver of fear running through her.

“Scarif.” The name hit her in the face like a cargo ship coming at full speed. “Cassian is convincing people to go to Scarif to retrieve the plans,” he said, matter of factly.

Cora felt her hands suddenly getting cold. “Now?” she asked, hanging on the tiny bit of hope that maybe she’d understood it wrong, but the droid nodded. “But that’s suicide,” she almost yelled, her voice cracking as she felt tears welling in her eyes. “I’ve gotta talk to him.”

Cora ran out of the med bay, almost knocking into a couple of people on her way out. It was the first time the elevator ride felt like an eternity. Maybe she was too late. She knew she wasn’t, because Cassian would never leave K2 behind, but what if… She clutched the crystal in the palm of her hand, the sharp edges digging into her skin. This wasn’t what she had in mind when she hoped Cassian would find a solution. She’d hoped he’d do it without killing himself.

When the elevator doors opened, she didn’t have the power to run anymore, so she just walked to the handful of people suspiciously gathered in the middle of the hangar, digging through a pile of supply crates. She knew most of them. They’d played Sabacc together and drank shitty jet juice, hidden away in their little makeshift bar in the catacombs. Most of them avoided her gaze when she got near. Melshi winked at her when he made eye contact, but didn’t say anything. Cora was much too jittery to say hello.

Cassian was there, of course, and so was Jyn and Bodhi and the other two she couldn’t name. He had his back turned to her, almost as if he was trying his best to pretend she hadn’t stopped a couple of meters behind him. She knew he’d noticed her, he always did.

“Andor, can I have a word with you?” It wasn't a question and her voice sounded harsh, but the forced rigidity of her body was the only thing that was keeping her from falling apart, as if she’d lose composure even for a second she’d break into a million pieces.

He seemed annoyed when he looked at her, the frown on his face accentuating, but nodded anyway.

“Oooo, you fucked up,” Melshi laughed as they were leaving the group to find a quieter place to talk, but his voice lacked his usual cheer. Cora didn’t look back, afraid that she’ll burst into tears if she did.

“K2 told me you’re leaving,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest once they were out of hearing range. “I had to find out from him, because I guess you had no intention to tell me.” She sounded reproachful and bitter, but that was just scratching the surface of what she was feeling.

“We have to,” he said, not meeting her gaze. It wasn’t an apology, it wasn’t an excuse. It was just that, a statement. He looked resolute and devoid of any emotion, and any trace of anger Cora held melted away once fear took over.

“You don’t have to.” Her heart was beating so fast it felt like bursting out of her chest. She had to use every ounce of self-control to keep her emotions in check and not let her voice show the pure desperation that dictated her every move. “There must be another option.” He didn’t reply, the stubborn look on his face not faltering even for a second. “We can pull back, think of another strategy and then regroup when the time is right,” she offered, although she knew she was talking out of her ass.

He looked tired, she noticed. He looked drained, but at the same time strung like a chord waiting to snap at the smallest impulse. She hated the Empire, she hated the Rebellion for putting so much pressure on him, and she hated herself for not being able to help.

Cassian looked at the ground for a long moment and eventually shook his head. “There won’t be another time if we don’t act now.”

Cora felt like she was trying to crush a mountain with her bare hands. “But it’s stupid! It’s suicide!” she yelled, hoping he would listen to reason.

“Stupid is all we’ve got!” he snapped, and Cora reeled back at the intensity.

“You’ll only die in vain.” Her voice was already shaky. “Trust me. I’ve been to Scarif, I know the odds.” Listen for once, she prayed. But he was defiantly looking someplace else, still avoiding her gaze. “Please, Cassian… Please!”

He wasn’t yielding. He’d made up his mind and Cora was sure that no matter what she said she wasn’t going to make him reconsider. Her heart ached when the reality sunk in: he was leaving. He was going to throw himself in a battle he’d never be able to survive, no matter how skilled of lucky he was.

She took a deep breath, “Then take me with you,” she said, resolute, and Cassian’s eyes shot up to look at her.

“Have you lost your mind?” he said, letting out a disbelieving laugh, devoid of humour.

Cora stood her ground. “I know the place. I know the archive. I can help.”

He snorted. “You’ll get killed in no time. And even worse, you’ll get others killed too.” His voice was turning to steel with every uttered word. “I don’t have time for this.”

Cora opened her mouth to protest, but Cassian cut her off.

“You’re a liability, Cora! Understand that!” he yelled, leaving her stunned. “And I can’t afford any liabilities.”

His sharp tone was like a slap in the face. She wondered if he meant her on the battlefield, of her in general; if he considered their relationship a liability. It certainly sounded like something the impenetrable, hyper focused Captain Andor would think, but she’d thought after all this time…

She forced herself to push her doubts to the back of her mind. This was not the time to feel hurt. This wasn’t about her.

“I can keep you alive,” she merely whispered.

“You can’t keep yourself alive,” he spat. “We don’t need you.”

She had no idea at what point she’d started crying, but when she lifted her hand and passed it over her face she felt her cheeks drenched in tears. She wasn’t going to give up on him, no matter how cruel he’d decided to be all of a sudden. The worst of all was that he was right and she had no way of fighting his words. He didn’t need her, he never did. She’d just hoped that at some point, he had wanted her.

“I won’t be able to face myself if I don’t do this now,” he said, and his voice sounded strangled, as if he was trying to find an excuse for the harsh words he’d uttered earlier. He lifted his eyes to look at her, but it didn’t last more than a second. “Everything I’ve done over the years will be for nothing if I don't do this now. The Rebellion will crumble. And I’m nothing if not for this.” The desperation in his voice was tangible.

Cora took a step closer and lifted her hand to touch his cheek, but he brushed her hand away. His gesture hurt even worse than his words had. “Cassian… You’re everything,” she whispered, defeated.

“I’m nothing without the Rebellion, don’t you understand?” he repeated, turning his back to her. Cora could feel her tears starting to stream down her cheeks. She took another step in his direction, this time grabbing onto the back of his shirt, clutching onto him with all her remaining strength.

“Please stay,” she said, feeling the panic rising, propping her forehead on his back. “We could grow old together,” he smiled, the shadow of a smile, trying to bite back the sobs that threatened to escape.

“There’s nothing to keep me here.”

There was no way to describe in words what she felt in that moment. She didn’t think she could hurt more, but her heart breaking was a new type of pain altogether. A numbing sort of pain.

“Nothing?” she managed to mutter, her throat feeling dry despite the wave of tears washing over her cheeks. “Nothing at all?” she asked again, her voice taking on a high pitch.

“...nothing.”

She let go of his shirt, her arms falling lifeless around her body. She didn’t have the power to stop him from walking away; her mouth opened, but no words came out. She watched him depart though the tears filling her eyes, but she still couldn’t get her body to move.

This was the end. One way or another, this was the end. Cora pressed her palm on her chest, feeling the familiar bump of the necklace he’d given her on Samarkand. She took it out, clutching it between her shaking fingers, trying her best to not break into sobs.

She prayed—to known gods and made-up ones—to keep him safe and bring him back; she promised them everything she could think of to just spare him this time. She even promised them her own life in exchange for his, but she had little hope that anyone out there was listening to her prayers.

But even if he did come back, for them this was the end.

His smell still lingered around her, long after the ship was gone.

*

“You’re an idiot,” Melshi said when Cassian walked up the ramp. He threw the sergeant a dirty look, but Melshi shrugged and entered the ship. “Just letting you know, in case you’ve forgotten.”

He made an effort not to look back, as the main hatch was closing behind him. He hoped Cora had gone inside, but something told him she was still there. He didn’t look back, in fear that if he’d see her he’d step down the ramp and run to her, leaving everything behind. Growing old together, what an enticing dream that was.

“You could’ve at least hugged her goodbye if you’re that scared of telling her you love her. Might never get another chance.”

Cassian shook his head. He couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. “It’s done,” he said, walking to the front of the ship.

K2 was sitting in the co-pilot chair, next to Bodhi, throwing him a dirty look. It was a weird feeling not being in the pilot seat this time, but he was grateful. His hands were shaking.

“Where have you been?” he asked, frowning at the droid. He knew where he’d been, Cora had told him, he just wondered what made him run to her. He’d never been the one to snitch on Cassian before.

“None of your business,” the droid replied, switching his attention back to the controls.

“Five more minutes and we’d have left without you.”

K2 snorted. “I’ve been here for the past 14 minutes, waiting for you,” he said, flipping switches, but Cassian had already tuned him out.

The base was getting smaller as they exited the moon’s atmosphere. The place he’d gotten used to calling home was being left behind, along with the woman he loved and the smallest tinge of hope he still had for the future. The only constants in his life. These, and the terrible things he had to do in the name of freedom.

He hadn’t been truly scared in a long time. Not for himself, and if he’d have to be fair, not for others either. He’d been numb for many years, pushing everything as deep down as he could, hoping that eventually he wouldn’t feel the weight of the things he was doing. But it was slowly crushing him.

With Cora, he’d allowed himself to feel, he’d allowed himself to hope for a future where he wouldn’t have to be the person he was now. Where he could be a better man, worthy of her love.

Melshi had been right, he thought, passing a hand over his face, this could have been the last time he’d ever see her, and he didn’t even take a good look. He didn’t have to, he’d memorized her features in the countless nights he’d watched her sleep peacefully next to him.

He didn’t want to look either. He didn’t want to see the pain he’d caused her and be eaten by guilt. It was for the best, he told himself. He wished he didn’t have to be cruel on purpose, but he couldn’t face her. He couldn’t give her hope, have her fight for him when his resolve was already so thin.

He was just one smile, one embrace away from abandoning the cause he’d believed in all his life. One kiss away from quitting the fight to go live a domestic life with her. One look. That was all he needed to give up.

His love for her had made him a coward.

Cassian pushed his feelings to the back of his mind and focused on the mission.

*

Masterlist in bio

[consulalexander]

i can’t breathe (sneak peek)

NOW. I wasn’t gonna post this after this week’s episode happened because ouch my soul. And I don’t have time to update multiple WIPs. So after this I’ll be posting the entirety of this fic on AO3 when it’s finished, which won’t be for a couple weeks unfortunately but I swear it’s coming, it’s just become a bit more of a project than I had originally thought

HOWEVER

Y’all are yelling at me to post something so fine here’s the opening scene, have fun crying

A couple things: this goes AU after 3x17, Magnus has the loft because I wasn’t creative enough to figure out another solution and he had to have his own place for the purposes of this fic, and this takes place about a month after the almost proposal because the Shadowhunters timeline is GARBAGE and I refuse to accept it

If you REALLY like pain, I was listening to lovely feat. Khalid by Billie Eilish and i can’t breathe by Bea Miller on repeat while I was writing this (Bea Miller’s song is the inspo for the title and various thematic elements of this angst monster) (also wow way to drive a knife in my heart with that scene and that song Shadowhunters fuck u very much)

Feel free to scream or ask questions in my ask

TW for depressive thoughts and all the Magnus feels

*

*

*

Waking up becomes the worst part of his day.

Sleep is bliss—there is no reality in dreams. He’s filled to the brim with power, the familiar hum of magic coursing through his body, as steady as Alec’s heartbeat. It comes out of him in waves, blue fire wrapping delicately around the loft and out to the balcony and caressing his skin like a lover’s lips. He’s drunk and high and having an orgasm all at once and he’s never felt this alive.

For a moment, when he wakes up, golden light casting across the bed from the bay window and dancing tenderly on his skin, nothing is different. Nothing is missing.

But then, the knowledge of his new reality comes crashing down on him like a tsunami, and Magnus is drowning in grief, as if that part of him—the only part he really knows—died.

Every day is a new kind of hell—he might as well have stayed in Edom.

Magnus breaks out of his traitorous thoughts when he feels something stirring next to him: Alec, grunting softly as he rolls over. His long lashes flutter, opening to reveal big pale eyes that are clouded over with sleep.

He yawns until his jaw cracks and mutters, “Hey.”

Magnus gives him a small smile, barely a quirk of his lips.

“Good morning.”

Alec shuffles closer into Magnus’ side, clearly not ready to get out of the comfortable cocoon of blankets he’s sequestered himself in.

Normally, Magnus adores Alec in the morning; he’s the softest Magnus ever sees him, wanting nothing but warmth and sweetness. He reminds him fondly of a cat lying in a sun patch on the floor, sprawling his limbs out over the bed or on top of Magnus. He normally could spend hours tracing the runes on his pale skin, slowly waking Alec up with feather light kisses and barely there fingertips.

That was before, though. That was Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn.

He has no idea who Magnus Bane the mundane is, and Alec’s sleepy embrace only reminds him, with a pang, of what he no longer has.

Magnus extracts himself from the bed with some difficulty, Alec’s arms tightening around him like a boa constrictor. Alec groans in protest, lifting his head to drowsily glare at Magnus.

“Where are you going?” he pouts.

“Coffee,” Magnus says, because he knows it’s an answer Alec will wholeheartedly accept. There’s no limit to Alec’s caffeine addiction.

“Oh, okay,” Alec murmurs, predictably, sinking back down into the bed.

A part of Magnus, growing louder by the second, demands that he crawl back into bed and wrap himself up in his all too enticing boyfriend, thinking of nothing but them, existing in this space like nothing is wrong and there’s no gnawing pit in his stomach.

He can’t, though. He’s already put Alec through so much—Magnus doesn’t understand why he stays, why he lets Magnus do things like ruin romantic dinners or pick fights and cry, why he’s so patient and good. Far better than Magnus can ever be, that’s for sure. He doesn’t deserve it, and Alec especially doesn’t deserve what Magnus is giving him in return.

Which is, well, nothing. Nothing at all.

“I’ll be right back,” Magnus says, feeling suddenly overwhelmed and hoping Alec is still too tired to detect the note of panic in his voice.

He leaves the stifling bedroom and pads down the hall, his fingers automatically coming together in a phantom snap for coffee to begin brewing. The air rushes out of him when he remembers. Everything’s manual now.

As Magnus preps the coffee, he recalls, his face wrinkled in slight disgust, soon after he’d lost his magic for good. He’d almost had a breakdown over the damn machine, when he’d gone to make some for himself and Alec one morning and realized he had no idea how to actually make coffee.

Alec had wandered into the kitchen, wondering what was taking Magnus so long, and had found him sitting on the floor, head hanging low with the machine in pieces around him.

Of course—because Alec really must be one of those white knights in fairy tales—he’d hauled Magnus to his feet and helped him pick out a new coffee maker, a simple gold without any bells or whistles. When they got back, Alec sat Magnus down at the kitchen island and--with a teacher’s patience and a protective desire that was all Alec--walked him through how to make a perfect pot of coffee by hand.

Magnus pours the coffee into two mugs now, his fingers tingling when colliding with the warm ceramic. When he closes his eyes, he can almost pretend it’s the feeling of magic sparking at his fingertips.

Almost.

He goes back into the bedroom and finds Alec out of bed, pulling on a shirt. His phone lies on the edge of the bed, and his hair clings to his forehead, damp from the shower. Magnus wonders just how long he was in the kitchen for.

Alec makes no comment on it. He takes the mug Magnus offers him gratefully and sips, grinning at him.

“Perfect,” he says, eyes incredibly soft as he gazes at Magnus.

Magnus fidgets, a feeling of guilt that’s been ever-present lately when he looks at Alec washing over him.

“I have to go,” Alec says, apologetic, after a few moments of silence. “I’m sorry, Jace called, it’s important.”

Magnus nods his head too fast.

“Of course,” he says, more than a little relieved that Alec is leaving. He loves Alec, loves his grounding presence, but if he has to endure another day of pitying glances he might scream.

“You gonna be okay?” Alec asks, eyes probing as he slips on his leather jacket.

“Who, moi?” Magnus rolls his eyes, playing up nonchalance for Alec’s benefit. “I’ll be just fine. I’ve got some house stuff I’ve been meaning to take care of anyway. Dusting, scrubbing, Marie Kondo-ing. You know.”

Alec pauses in lacing up his boots, looking at Magnus in suspicion. Clearly, Magnus isn’t doing as good a job of hiding his emotions as he thinks he is.

Alec smashed through all of Magnus’ walls without even trying, by simply existing, and Magnus has to fight to rebuild in the wake of his new identity. He hates it, and he’s more than positive Alec isn’t pleased with it either, if the disastrous dinner on the balcony almost a month ago now is anything to go by. But he has to protect himself and without his magic, he doesn’t have very many ways left to do that. He’s safe behind the walls; nothing can hurt him here.

“You sure? I can try and leave work early, make Jace or Izzy take some paperwork for me—”

Magnus cuts him off, painting a wide smile on his face with as much false joy as he can muster.

“No!” he says, too earnest. “I’m fine, darling, honestly. You’ve got Shadowhunters to order around, you don’t need to worry about me.”

Alec slides his phone into his pocket and steps forward, closing the distance between them and cupping Magnus’ cheek with his palm. His eyes run over Magnus’ features, looking for… something.

“I always worry about you,” he murmurs.

Magnus doesn’t know what to say. If Magnus is fighting to rebuild his walls, Alec’s are crumbling down like skyscrapers in an earthquake. He’d worked so hard to get Alec to expose himself, and now that they’re here, Alec bearing everything to him in that urgently sweet way of his, all Magnus wants to do is hide.

He settles for a small smile, leaning into Alec’s hand and kissing his palm.

Alec’s phone buzzes violently in his pocket, and he winces.

“Gotta go,” he says, kissing Magnus’ forehead and disappearing out of the bedroom.

Magnus hears Alec’s tender call of ‘see you tonight, love you!’ as he leaves, the door falling shut behind him.

The loft is quiet, too quiet now, and Magnus stares off into the distance, embracing the hollowness of his chest as another empty, useless day stretches out before him, like the gray ocean fading into the horizon.

[trashunlimited]

i decided to upload the first chapter of my canon x oc story here! i have not uploaded my writing here in a while, so i’m a little nervous, but also excited to share how much better i’ve become. i’m still not the greatest or anything, but i hope it’s good enough.

i actually have an earlier version of this story on my a03, but it’s v bad...that’s why i’m redoing it.

if you want to see the next part, please let me know!

tagging: @nightshade1994, @charmingfury, @glampyra

Rick Sanchez put the finishing touches on his latest invention, a proud grin on his face. The invention happened to be one that was able to give him any breakfast food he wanted. He rubbed his hands together excitedly, knowing how much easier it would be to get breakfast tomorrow. He was a genius, an inventor, and he was making stuff like...that. But he enjoyed it, he had already made incredible things and was capable of interstellar travel far beyond just the moon and even the solar system itself. Rick decided to use his gifts for the simpler things in life too.

He picked up the invention and carried it over from the lab he had built, to the small kitchen in his apartment and set it on the counter. Rick then headed over to his bedroom, and the empty feelings returned to him. There was no one in his apartment but him, he was all alone. It’s not like anyone in the apartment complex talked to him either, as Rick never talked to them, being reclusive. It was assumed Rick was “some weird loner”, so nobody bothered him.

As much as Rick enjoyed the privacy, the feelings of loneliness burned within him. Ever since he could remember, he never had anyone but himself. Even the people who should’ve cared for him, didn’t. He had only really gotten friends when he developed his portal technology. Despite the close friends he did have, like Birdperson and Squanchy, on Earth, there was no one but him.

Rick just wanted someone, anyone, to cure his lonely feelings, but at this point, it didn't seem likely. He was already 31 years old after all, he was starting to accept he could never find the happiness he longed for. Rick had a tendency to act mean and cold, which pushed people away from him, isolating him further.

With a heavy sigh, Rick took off his lab coat and black shirt, before sitting on his bed. He really did hope the pain and misery he had dealt with for his whole life would end someday.

--------------------

On the outskirts of the city, a young redheaded women named Juliana Kenyon, or just Julie for short, was in her own bedroom. She was sitting on the stool in front of her dresser, happily brushing her hair, something she did each night before going to bed and each morning when she woke up. When she finished, Julie looked at herself in the mirror and smiled, her long hair looking much neater now.

She sat up and then walked over to her bookshelf, picking up a romance novel, her favourite genre, and headed off to bed with it. Julie went over to the page where the bookmark was, took it out, and began reading.

Her heart seemed to fill with love and warm feelings as she read through the pages, but underneath, she felt feelings of loneliness, pain and sadness. At 27 years old, she was still waiting to find “the one” for her, and the more time passed, the worse her empty feelings grew. Ever since Julie was a little girl, she longed for love, although back then it was more childish and innocent. Her mother would read her stories featuring love, and would watch movies with it too, there was also the strong love her parents shared, it all inspired her hopeless romantic personality. As a child, she was told in her future she would be nothing more than a housewife and mother, and she accepted this wholeheartedly. She imagined her future husband as a dashing prince or a knight in shining armour. Julie was older now, and had more realistic ideas on what her future husband would be like, but those old innocent fantasies still amused her.

Julie had attempted dating in the past, but it never went well. She started to blame herself for her relationship problems, thinking it was her fault. It tugged painfully at her heart, and she felt so lonely, so sad and dejected. She wondered if she would ever find the love her heart so longed for. Loneliness was a problem for her, it had been that way for a long time. Even as a little girl, her shyness prevented her from making many friends. Julie never had any siblings either. Even with the lack of friends, brothers or sisters, she still had a few friends and her parents. But at the same time, she longed for more.

After finishing reading more of her book, Julie put it back on the bookshelf and tucked herself into bed. She held back the tears, and fell asleep, dreaming of what her true love would be like….

--------------------

Rick came across a room with a glowing green crystal-like thing, that had what seemed to be wires hooked up to it. The crystal-like object appeared to be radiating with energy, and it made sense, this was a powerful source of fuel for the entirety of the Fyralogin Empire. Though the empire had fell into decline, it was still going on and the empress of the empire seemed to not be bothered by it, keeping a regal look wherever she went.

Rick approached the crystal-like fuel, and took a chunk out if it, instantly causing sirens to blare.

Alert! The fuel source has been tampered with! I repeat, the fuel source has been tampered with!

He wasn't bothered though, and pulled a high-tech gun from one of his pockets, anticipating what was next.

Four guards opened the door and aimed their guns at him. “Put the gun down or we'll be forced to shoot.” One said.

Rick rolled his eyes, before looking at his gun and fired quickly at all four, the shots killing each instantly. He then exited the room and was met with more guards, but he didn't mind. They started firing their bullets at him, but Rick dodged them all with ease, and managed to fire back unfazed.

He started to run off as the guards kept firing at him. Rick took out his portal gun and typed in the code for Earth, before firing the gun and making a green portal. Just before he could enter though, one guard managed to shoot him in the leg, and he tumbled right through the portal.

------------

Julie was walking along the sidewalk back home, having recently left the house of a friend of hers. It was a cool night, there was a slight breeze, and in the sky she could see some stars and the pale silvery moon. There wasn't much light either, minus the streetlights and the light from some houses. The atmosphere was pleasant and serene, Julie felt quite peaceful as she walked back home.

Out of nowhere, Julie saw a green portal and was shocked and surprised. Then, a man jumped out and landed right on her! She was eventually able to get up, albeit in a bit of pain, but otherwise was fine. But she became worried when she saw the man was having trouble getting up. “Are you...alright?” She asked, concern in her voice.

“What the fuck does it look like you idiot?!” He yelled, holding onto his leg.

Julie then realized he couldn't get up, as there was a pain in his leg. “Do you….w-want help u-up?”

Rick looked up at her, confused and annoyed. “Huh? Why do y-you want to h-help me?” He found himself focused on her, entranced by her beauty. Her long red hair flowed gently, her skin was pale and white as snow, and...he liked her figure.

“Well..” Julie began, her voice indicating how shy and nervous she was talking to him. “You're hurt...aren't you?” When she spoke, Rick was snapped out of his trance.

“Uh...I m-mean..” He suddenly hissed in pain and grabbed his leg again.

“Oh dear...we should get you to a hospital.”

Rick's eyes snapped open. “Fuck no! Y-You are not t-taking me to a hospital.”

“Why not?”

“Just..” He tried to talk, but he was in too much pain.

Julie wanted to help him, and if he wouldn't go to a hospital...well...she would let him stay with her. Due to her shyness, the idea scared her, but her heart was too gentle to refuse him. Rick watched as she helped him up, and he started to walk with her, well, limp with her. “Where are you taking me?” He asked.

“My house. You won't go to a hospital, so it's the next best option. Don't worry, I have medical training, I went to nursing school after all.”

Rick just grumbled, unsure why she was doing this, but accepted it nonetheless. At least he got to be around a beautiful redhead, and he...really..really liked redheads.

----------

On the way there, Julie told him her name, Rick had introduced himself too, although more begrudgingly, as Rick Sanchez. She noticed his tone sounded annoyed, but she didn't think about it too much. He insisted on carrying the crystal-like object though, and though Julie was curious about it, she didn’t say anything.

After arriving at Julie’s house, she sat him down on her couch, and began inspecting his leg to find the source of his pain. She gasped when she saw a bullet sticking out the back of his knee, but it didn't look like a normal bullet. The bullet was jagged-looking, and oddly glowed a lime-green colour. First he came out of a portal, then he refused to go to a hospital, and now he had a strange bullet sticking out of him. This man was a mystery, and although Julie had so many questions for him, she decided to ask later, when he was in a better mood.

Julie dealt with his wound, and soon carefully extracted the bullet. She knew it should be left up to a professional, but...she did have medical training after all, she knew what she was doing. She patched up his wound and threw the bullet in the garbage. “All better?” She asked.

Rick rubbed the wound a little, and eyed her. “Yes.”

“That's good.” Julie smiled. “You should get some sleep now okay?”

“Wh-whatever.” Rick grumbled.

Julie wasn’t sure what to say, he came off quite mean, and it bothered her. But she was the type of person who believed there was good in everyone, she knew Rick had a nicer side he would show her in time, she just had to wait. Besides, Julie made a point to be kind to others, no matter how mean and nasty they treated her.

“Well...um...good night I guess.” She said, a bit sad.

Rick just turned over to his side and began to sleep. Julie was happy he seemed to be doing better, but at the same time, she wished he treated her more kindly. She kept her eyes on him momentarily, until she headed into her own room.

Julie knew harbouring a strange man in her home wasn’t the smartest idea, but again, her heart was too gentle to do otherwise. She loved helping people, even complete strangers despite her shyness. Even though Rick acted rude, her hope was he would open up and be kind to her eventually.

She finished brushing her hair and changing into her nightgown before heading off to bed. As Julie drifted off to sleep, her mind couldn’t stop thinking about him.

As for Rick, he wasn’t sure how to deal with how nice and sweet she was being to him, it was all so new and different for him. He had never met anyone like her. She was being very kind to him and while he appreciated it, a part of him said not to trust her, but another part believed she meant no harm. If she wanted to hurt him, she would’ve done it by now. Nothing seemed too odd or out of place, and Julie seemed genuine. But he wasn’t completely ready to trust her or let his guard down, not yet at least.

---------------

When morning arrived, Julie decided to surprise Rick with breakfast, hoping it would put him in a better mood. She thought about what to make him, unsure what to go with since she didn’t know what he liked, but decided on fluffy pancakes, pancakes were a common and beloved breakfast food after all. She hoped he liked them just as much as she did.

Rick woke up to a delicious smell, and sat up, wondering where it was coming from. That’s when he spotted Julie placing two pancakes on a plate. She looked behind her to see Rick was up, and smiled. “What...kind of topping do….you want on your….pancakes? Blueberries? Chocolate chips? Or just syrup?”

Rick was taken aback by her generosity and kindness, but gathered himself together. “Uh...I’ll j-just have some syrup.”

“Syrup it is.” She beamed. “I think...I’ll have some on mine too.” He watched as she drizzled syrup over the two pancakes she had placed on that plate, picked it up, and placed it on the coffee table in front of him. Then she also got him a fork and a knife for him, before getting her own pancakes.

He stared at the breakfast she had made for him, baffled by her kindness. He was still figuring out if he should trust her or not, but for now, Rick figured he might as well indulge in the food she made.  When he took the first bite, he was amazed by how delicious it was, and quickly ate it up. Julie watched him as she went over to sit beside him with her own pancakes, giggling a little bit. After finishing, his face was covered in syrup, making Julie laugh and prompting her to get a wet towel to clean his face. He didn’t like it very much, but didn't bother fighting, he just looked annoyed. Besides, his leg still ached a bit and so he knew it was best to not move around a lot.

‘You’re...kind of silly..” She chuckled.

“What? Do you have a problem with that?” Rick accused sharply.

Julie was surprised by how harsh he was being, and was hurt. “No...I didn’t mean it like that. I..I like your silliness…”

Rick realized that maybe he came off too strong, and saw how genuinely upset she was. He did admittedly feel bad at least, but he wasn’t ready to let his guard down with her, even if he found her very attractive. “Huh. Whatever then.” He went back to eating.

Julie pressed her lips together, wondering when she should starting questioning him. She wanted to be his friend, but she also wanted to be respectful. She wondered why he was being so rude though. “Um...I want to ask..why are being so mean to me? Did I do something wrong? If I did, I’m so sorry and I won’t do it again.”

Rick stopped eating and stared at her, gripping onto his fork. “I don’t...I don’t t-trust people easily o-okay? Jesus…” He snarled.

She felt even more hurt than before, she tried not to let his rudeness get to her, but she couldn’t stop it from bothering her. “Oh...okay then…” Rick then was surprised when he saw her start to cry, he hadn’t meant for that.

“Woah! Uh…” Now he didn’t know what to say, he never had to comfort anyone before. “Um...t-t-there’s no n-need to start c-crying, it’s not that b-big of a deal.”

“But it is!” Julie cried. ‘I’m really trying to help you, I want you to recover from your injury, but you don’t trust me and I just..” She sniffled.

Rick felt even worse, maybe had been a bit harsh with her, but his instincts had always told him not to trust people he didn’t know well enough. At the same time...he was starting to see something was different with her. Who just randomly lets a stranger into their room to treat their wounds, let them stay overnight and make them breakfast? She was being genuine in her kindness, generosity and care for him, he saw it clear as day. He knew when people were lying, but the more he thought about it, he knew she wasn’t, she was being honest with him. It made her even more intriguing to him. Rick decided maybe he should be a bit nicer to her, but he still wasn’t ready to completely let his guard down.

“It’s fine. Besides, these pancakes you made? They’re really fucking g-good, how did you know I like th-them fluffy?” He asked, his tone sounding a little more soft.

Julie started to wipe a few of her tears away, and smiled. “Lucky guess I suppose.”

------------------

It was at that point that Rick finally started acting nicer, and so his mood lightened. Julie was happy about this, but her questions were still bugging her. The crystal-like object was resting at the foot of couch, and Julie was wondering what it was, and why it glowed. She also wanted to know about the portal, the strange bullet, and why he was even shot in the first place. He was such a mystery to her. Thinking about the portal, she even questioned if he was actually a human, knowing their species didn’t have the ability to make any yet, but didn’t dwell on it much.

After breakfast, Julie put the plates, fork and knives in the sink before sitting back on the couch with Rick. He could tell something was bothering her. “What’s up?” He asked.

She looked away for a moment. “I’ve had some questions that have been bothering me since last night.”

“Oh...I-I see..” He said, his voice changing to a more flat, serious tone.

“First of all, how did you come out of a portal?’

Rick’s portal gun was being kept in the pocket of his lab coat, he gripped onto it, deciding whether or not to answer her question.

“Are you...okay with answering yet?” Julie wasn’t sure if now was exactly a good time. She knew he had trust issues, and maybe he needed more time with her first.

“Ah, it’s fine. Don’t worry.” Rick decided to only give her a partial answer rather than a complete one, he’d give her the complete one once he grew to trust her more. “I can create portals, makes it easier to travel from place t-to place.”

Julie was instantly curious of how he could make portals, but she would ask later. For now, she had more important questions to ask. “Really? That’s so cool!” She grinned. “My second question is, what is that crystal-like object?” As she asked this, she pointed right at it.

Again, Rick decided not to give her a complete answer yet. ‘It’s a fuel source, a very powerful one at that.”

Julie found herself already amazed by him. He could create portals and had access to a very interesting looking fuel source; the fact it was glowing and looked like crystals reminded her of something from a fantasy world. But she still had two more questions left. “Why didn’t you want to go to the hospital?”

Rick was silent for a moment, before answering. “Maybe it’s better nobody b-but you saw the bullet.”

That was odd, but she used it to segway into her final question. “Well..what’s with that strange bullet and why did someone even shoot you in the first place?”

This was a bit harder to answer, but Rick managed to give her something. “Some things are better left unsaid.”

This unnerved her, a lot. “O...Okay then..”

He laughed. “Don’t think about it okay?”

“I won’t.” Julie replied. But it still bugged her at the back of her mind...this strange mysterious man...she wondered what he was hiding from her.

some notes!

this story specifically takes place in the year 1978.

i made rick 31 years old because in the episode “rest and ricklaxation”, toxic rick says he’s been trapped in rick’s brain for 70 years. the episode came out in 2017, and 2017-70=1947/1978-1947=31.

julie is 27 years old, giving them a 4 year age gap. she would’ve been born in 1951 because 1978-27=1951.

while my version of young rick and rick as he is now are similar, they still have major differences you’ll see throughout. 

the rick/julie romance is going to be a slow burn.

i don’t care about canon no more! don’t talk to me about it cause i stopped caring! i’ve moved on! canon can go fuck itself at this point!

[uniformbravo]

“quick” life update while i wait for my ipod to charge

(do ppl even still use ipods in this day & age. whats spotify)

i never made any posts abt it but i started the new semester & im taking 2 classes, it’s funny actually bc i waited even more til the last minute than i usually do to figure out my classes & spent the 1st week of school trying to see a counselor to find out if i still needed classes and that’s a whole other story for a whole other day but long story short the answer was no but i decided to take a couple anyway

mainly because every time im not in school The Depression takes over & i just needed something to Do so im taking intermediate painting (even tho painting 1 made me want 2 die every day) and animation (even tho i’ve already decided i don’t want to be an animator????)

so heres the thing, okay, since these are classes i don’t need in order to fill any requirements or anything i had to pick them based on nothing, really, like my main reason for taking classes this semester was to give myself something to do, right. i picked painting because my friend had told me she was taking it so i was like yo i’ll just do that too bc we had fun last time & it’s a good way to stay in contact. originally that was gonna be my only class bc i knew it’d be a lot of work and time but then i talked to my school’s art counselor about transferring to another school after im graduated from here and i’d said i was maybe interested in storyboarding so we looked at schools with animation programs and i decided super last minute to just take the animation class here and Boy what a mistake

last semester i was talking on here about a computer art class i had considered taking but dropped bc it seemed kinda... shitty?? because i hated the way the teacher taught and i felt like i wasn’t gonna gain anything from the class??? well animation is taught by the same guy and hhhhhhhhh he’s so fucking unhelpful it’s such a nothing class

see i was hoping to learn some hand-drawn animation basics like timing, squash & stretch, the fucking bouncing ball assignment, shit like that, right. the teacher was like “today we’re gonna go over the 12 principles of animation” and i was like “sweet i’ve heard of that this’ll be good” & literally he brought up a list, read off most of the names, briefly described a few, and told us to google it if we wanted more info like?? holy shit dude????? thanks for nothing oh my god

i’ve been taking a lot of time practicing animating in flipnote studio on my 3ds and watching youtube videos and i’ve been learning so much more from that than anything explained by my teacher bc godddd. basically what the class boils down to is like. flash animation. so far we’ve been working in adobe illustrator and animate & i cannot stand illustrator. i know it’s a good and useful program and if i wanted to i could learn how to use it & eventually get used to it but just the way he teaches it makes me want 2 slam dunk my computer

the computer art basics class was strongly recommended to be taken before this class but tbh i don’t even think that’s the issue here because i tried to take that class and his method was the same; he does a demo on screen that you’re supposed to follow along and do with him and he explains what hes doing as he goes but he goes so fast that if u miss a step ur fucked 

and it’s not just that he goes fast, it’s also that theres no understanding of the program itself, like ok u know how in math there’s all these formulas where if u just plug numbers into them it gives u the right answer? i always understood formulas better when i knew what each variable stood for & why the values were being added or multiplied together because then it made it easier to extract the information i needed from word problems and also helped me memorize the formulas themselves easier because i could make those associations between numbers and purpose. i had the groundwork of the formula, so i could apply it to all kinds of situations

this class is like, he only gives you the very specific formulas required to accomplish very specific tasks in the programs so i can’t make the connections to figure out how to perform other tasks and i get super lost every time & it’s super frustrating & i could ask for help because he comes around and helps people who need it but i sit in the back corner so he never really even looks my way so i feel like i can’t get his attention w/o speaking up or getting up to go get him & i get lost so often that it’s really just a pain to ask him every single time

i just hate when i have a problem in one of the programs & i just have absolutely no clue how to fix it or even work around it? im used to photoshop and illustrator is just so opposite that my brain doesn’t want to work with it so im. 100% floundering in this class

we have 2 assignments during the whole semester, the first was a group project where we hand draw a 3-second animation (~30 frames) and that was literally the very first thing we did in the class with no prior guidance and honestly i suspect that the only reason he assigns it is to fill the requirement for a group project (which i know is a thing bc a lot of my past teachers have talked about it being a thing) so it was literally just. a nothing project

the second assignment is our final which is a 90-second animation (~1080 frames) and we have basically the rest of the semester to work on it, so about a month and a half-ish? and all we’ve learned how to do so far is motion tweening in animate, basically. i mean we did a ball-and-string thing which was kind of different but it mostly involved a lot of copy+paste bullshit in illustrator & also like automatic shortcuts & stuff, there was really no drawing involved at all

also it’s one of those classes where everyone just kind of messes around and does their own thing like?? i saw one girl reading manga on her computer & these two dudes at my table were comparing yugioh cards & i hear like 50 thousand conversations about anime every day & i mean im not one to talk tbh but it’s just the atmosphere, it feels like u either know what ur doing or u just fuck around w/ ur friends and im in the “neither of those” category and the girl who was reading manga is in the “both” category bc every other time i’ve looked over there she’s got this amazing masterpiece on her screen that she made in illustrator & i die inside every time what the fuckkc 

he showed us examples of final projects from last semester and i noticed that some of them were done traditionally or in programs that were obviously not illustrator so i asked him about it & he said it doesn’t have to be done in illustrator/animate as long as it’s 90 seconds long so Guess What i think i’m just gonna make it somewhere else lmaooo i mean i feel like it’s a missed opportunity bc i have these programs at my disposal & im not even using them but god amn. god fuckign damn

im thinking of animating it in flipnote bc that’s what i’ve been using & im pretty familiar with it by now but im not sure because there are some important things im not sure i’ll be able to accomplish with it like backgrounds (which are another requirement for the assignment) and i don’t want to back myself into a corner, especially with how little time i have to do it, so idk for sure. my other idea was to use clip studio paint but i have the pro version which only lets u use 24 frames per animation which totals out to a whopping 2 seconds so idk if i want to have to deal with that bullshit either. right now im considering making the rough animation in flipnote so i can figure out the timing & shit and then slapping it into clip studio to finalize everything (or technically i could even do that in photoshop, since im more familiar w/ it & can probably work faster there- from photoshop it’d be a matter of copying the finished frames into clip studio to export into 2-second clips & then compile those in movie maker & then bam finished animation)

so!!! it’s a lot of shit im dealing with in this class & im just like. if im doing it this way then why do i even need to show up for class. what am i even in this class for im just basically making an animation on my own time with my own resources using none of the techniques taught in the class. im only doing this animation because it’s an assignment for the class im not gaining anything from. it just seems so pointless & the only thing getting me through it is the thought that i could possibly put this in a portfolio somewhere down the line, and for that i’d want it to look nice and not rushed so im thinking that for the sake of finishing the assignment i might just use my rough animation so that i can spend more time on the “nice” version afterward

aaaanyway it’s um Late for me & i went on about this for too long but i needed to get it off my chest tbh, i’ve been thinking abt making this post for like 2 weeks so there u go. i didn’t even talk about my painting troubles good lord. if you’ve been wondering why i havent been online as much lately This is why. also bc im a huge loser and 100% of my free time has been going into watching anime bye

[goodlucktai]

I'm always down for any TMNT from you. I'd love to read more of your Ghost AU.

currently my fave tmnt au, how did u know?

give up the ghost

x

“We got a ton of good stuff,” Woody says happily from the backseat, panning through images on his complicated-looking camera. He looks up, grinning through a fine layer of hundred-year-old grime, and says, “We had permission to go in that house, right? From the owner?”

“Sure,” Leo says, glancing at him from the passenger side seat. They’re idling at a stop sign, because it’s twelve a.m. on a Wednesday and traffic won’t exist for another six hours; they can pretty much take all the time they want. “We always get permission first. Why?”

“‘Cause I’m thinkin’ we could upload some of this. Maybe make a Youtube channel, or a blog site. You want people to be able to find you, and an online presence is probably the best way to make that happen.”

“We have a Facebook page,” Mikey points out reasonably, eyes on the road as he pulls forward. In the reflection of the rearview mirror, Woody’s grin warms into something fond.

“For someone with a tech genius for a brother you’re a little clueless, Mikester. Trust me on this one?”

And that was never really the question; Woody has been with the club for nearly half a year now, and he hasn’t balked once at any of the things he’s seen. He goes in behind Leo and Mikey with that bulky camcorder on his shoulder, eyes focused forward and hands steady, and Mikey has come to count on his calm presence the same way he counts on Leo.

So it’s easy for Mikey to shrug and say, “‘Course, dude. I give you full creative license.”

“For that, amigo, marry me.”

And butterflies find a home in Mikey’s stomach after that. They live there happily for a handful of minutes, and Mikey is smiling like a dork at the parking lot as he turns into it, until Leo says, “Isn’t that Raph’s car?” and everything immediately sucks.

“Oh, no,” he says, spotting the station wagon. “No, no, no. Leo – “

“We can hide out at my house,” Leo says immediately. His voice is soft with sympathy, even as he adds, “But I think it’s a little too late for that.”

He’s right. Raph is leaning against the hood of his car, arms folded. It’s midnight, and he’s staking out Mikey’s apartment like a verifiable weirdo, and Mikey would rather be anywhere else right now.

Woody sighs with feeling, packing up his camera bag with unnecessary force. “This dude needs a hobby,” he mutters, one of three people in the world who are unequivocally on Mikey’s side. Mikey appreciates the show of solidarity, even though it’s hard to appreciate anything in face of the confrontation he’s in for.

He shifts glumly into park, pulls the keys out of the starter. Dusts himself off half-heartedly because that’s a lost cause, trades a long-suffering look with Leo, and then pops open the driver’s side door.

“Hi, Raph,” he says. “Didn’t expect to see you here. At my house, in the middle of the night.”

Raph gives him a once-over and his mouth tightens. “You got a minute?”

“I have lots of minutes,” Mikey says with forced good cheer. Unfortunately, he doesn’t add. To his friends he says, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Neither of them move. “It’s already late,” Leo says, meeting Raph’s heated look with a cool one. “Mind if I sleep over?”

“Same,” Woody pipes up. “Since we all got class in the morning, makes sense to carpool, don’t it?”

Mikey is hopelessly grateful to have them both in his life. On one hand, Raph isn’t someone he needs protecting from – Raph is a good person, and loyal to a fault, and he only comes around like this because he’s worried about Mikey, and trying to do good by the memory of his best friend by taking care of his best friend’s wayward little brother.

On the other hand, every conversation with him after Donnie died has been strained and uncomfortable, and it’s to the point now that just seeing him puts an anxious knot in the pit of Mikey’s stomach.

“Okay,” Mikey says, to all three of them. “Let’s go upstairs, I guess.”

Leo is texting someone on the quiet elevator ride up to Mikey’s floor. Since Mikey knows for a fact that Usagi isn’t awake right now and Karai is visiting her mother for the week, he has a good idea who Leo’s texting, and he’s proven right when he pushes the front door open and Donnie is nowhere to be seen.

Thanks, Leo, he thinks fervently. It’s brutally unfair to bring one of Donnie’s friends into the house without warning him first. The first time Casey dropped by unannounced, Donnie accidentally shorted out the power on the whole floor, and he was sad for days after.

Woody casually sets his bag on the table, right over Donnie’s phone. Mikey’s friends are actual ninjas and he loves them.

Leo shrugs out of his jacket, pretends not to notice the hearty rain of dust that follows the action, and folds it over the back of a kitchen chair. Raph looks equal parts exasperated and incredulous.

“I get it,” he says, “you’re his guard dogs. If I promise I’m not gonna throw a punch, will you let me talk to the kid?”

Mikey’s friends look pointedly at him. Mikey says, “Yeah, that’s. Cool. Leo, Woody, you guys can grab a shower if you want. The half-bath is off Donnie’s room, there’s a shower in there, too. Raphie and me’ll make us all somethin’ to eat real quick.”

For a second, it doesn’t look like they’re gonna move. After an obvious pause they both extract themselves from the room and head down the hall. It’s soft, Mikey only catches it because he’s listening, but they both murmur a greeting as they pass Don’s room and despite everything else that small kindness makes Mikey smile.

“Grilled cheese,” he decides aloud, and Raph dutifully heads to the fridge.

Maybe he’s making a point to be less barbed, but the silence between the two of them is closer to companionable than it has been in a long time. They butter half a loaf of bread, peel open a handful of Provolone cheese slices, and the first sandwich is assembled on the skillet, browned on one side, when Raph finally says, “Your friends don’t like me much.”

Mikey looks at him sideways. “I haven’t said anything to them to make them think – “

“Mikey, c’mon. I know that.” Raph runs a hand through his short hair, weary. “I wouldn’t like me much, either, if I was them. I don’t mean to be an asshole, kid, I’m sorry.”

“You haven’t been,” Mikey says immediately, heart bleeding for him. It’s so complicated between them anymore, but they were close, once. Close enough that Raph cares for him this much, even after everything. It makes Mikey feel small sometimes. “You’re going through something really painful, Raphie, and it’s hard. I get it.” He hesitates, and looks down at the plastic spatula in his hand, and adds, “I know I don’t make it any easier. Is Casey still mad at me?”

“Mikey,” he says it like it hurts. “He’s not mad at you. He never should’ve said what he did back then. He regrets it, he just doesn’t know how to apologize.”

“‘Sorry’ is a good place to start,” Mikey murmurs, getting a new sandwich started. It easier to look at the food than it is to look at Raph when he adds, “It’s okay if he’s mad at me, though.”

“Just stop,” Raph thunders suddenly, slamming a fist on the counter. 

The only reason Mikey doesn’t flinch is because of the company he’s been keeping lately, in a handful of haunted houses and churches across the state. Poltergeists are far more volatile than even Raphael, and with tempers much trickier. Mikey has seen far worse these days. 

Raph looks sorry for his outburst anyway, floundering for a moment before steeling himself and soldiering on. 

“You’re so – understanding. You shouldn’t be. You should be – all messed up, like the rest of us are. You should be grieving. But instead you’re actin’ like nothin’ happened. Like he ain’t gone, and you don’t miss him.”

Mikey’s heart is a solid lump in his chest. The sandwich on the stove is burning, filling the air with an acrid smell. 

“I know it ain’t true,” Raph goes on, softer. “I know that. I just don’t know why you’re actin’ like it, Mikey. It don’t make any sense to me.” 

Movement in the corner of his eye makes Mikey look up. Donnie is standing in the doorway of the kitchen, and his brown eyes are miserable behind his big glasses, and Mikey wishes with his whole heart that he could give his gift away by the hour, lend it to all the people missing people they can’t see anymore. 

“There isn’t really a textbook way to mourn somebody,” Mikey says carefully. “There isn’t a right or wrong way to hurt.”  

Raph doesn’t have an answer for that. The smoke alarm saves them both in the end, filling the strained silence with shrill beeps, and Raph leaves not long after that. 

Woody comes down the hall in a pair of borrowed pajama pants and one of their official club T-shirts, still toweling his hair dry. He gives the scorched grilled cheese a long, knowing look. 

“Raph is still grieving,” Mikey says firmly before Woody has a chance to make his remark. “He’s allowed to be difficult.”

“He’s grieving your brother,” comes the unflinching reply. “He’s not allowed to be difficult at you.”

But that’s not how grief works. It can come up from nothing, the same way love can, and it can be every bit as senseless and impossible and staggering as love can be, too.

No one gets to point at someone else and say “my grief is worse than yours, because my love was different.” No one can be the judge of that. It’s impossible to measure, impossible to make sense of. Mikey wouldn’t even want to try. 

But he doesn’t say any of that. Instead he slides an un-burnt grilled cheese onto a styrofoam plate and hands it over, with an absent, “Your shirt’s on backwards.” 

Woody scoffs but an involuntary flush rises in his cheeks – and despite everything else, Mikey can’t help but smile crookedly at the sight Woody makes, as he tries to turn the shirt around without taking it off. 

A few of those butterflies from earlier must have survived. And they must show on his face or give him away somehow, because Leo takes one look at him as he joins them in the kitchen and rolls his eyes. 

“I’m putting you both up for adoption,” he tells them dryly. 

“Empty threat,” Woody says from somewhere beneath his shirt. “You’d miss us too much.”

“I hate how sure you are of that,” Leo mutters, then reaches over to nudge Mikey’s arm. “Your turn. Shower. And then bed.” 

“Okay, mom,” Mikey says agreeably, and neatly sidesteps the punch Leo aims at his shoulder. Woody snickers, and an animated argument picks up behind Mikey as he heads down the hall. He pauses in the door of Donnie’s room, and says, “Bro?”

Donnie lifts his head to look at him, the only reply Mikey will get without his phone to serve as a communication bridge. 

“Are you okay?” Mikey asks him, feeling small. 

His brother stands and moves at a human pace across the room, and touches Mikey’s shoulder with unsubstantial fingers. His lips move, forming words Mikey can’t hear.

But at the end of it, Donnie smiles. Relieved, leaning into the hand that isn’t really there, Mikey smiles back.   

[thesecretersecretparadise]

Diary Logs: The Life Of a Jewish Soul Trapped In a Psychiatric Ward (Again) | Part 1

7/11/19

G_d, there are constantly helpful friends/friendly help everywhere that I go, whenever I find myself alone. Hospitals are infiltrated with demonic oppressors/docs that get people that are in pain & suffering to convert @ last min so that less Jews are risen from dead/grave... souls still fill non-Jewish bodies though. These bodies will be the hardest to wake, if they ever wake at all...

_______________________________________________________________________

7/12/19

-Asking G_d about something over and over again won’t change His answer. So stop annoying Him.

-We unconsciously know happiness, we just need to make it conscious.

א. Believe your prayers work. ב. Know G_d works through your prayers. ג. Get results.

_______________________________________________________________________

7.12.19

B...

I’m unfolding the reasons you allowed me torture in here again, slowly but surely. All these other people keep making judgments like they’re G_d or something... I feel so disconnected from you, which I hope is just the natural swing of desolation I am meant to be in after such a highly intense spiritual experience... Every part of me wants to write this all off as cyclical psychosis, but if I do, I’m going to be way too late to be doing what I have to do, in-time for you... and this “psychosis” may never end.

G_d, get me out of here ASAP, and get me out of my parents’ ASAP! They keep holding me down! I NEED to get a move on w/ my life! I have to go HOME...

B, I love how you get my unconscious thoughts before I do. This is the only way you can love me so perfectly, I’m sure. I can’t wait until we meet up & put these lies to rest.

Seriously, though. People need to quit giving a f**k about our/my lives/life. People love to judge so much, & I never got that. FFS, can we all just see the good in people, and address the bad in people in a direct and effective way?

This is why I could never handle fame. Everyone constantly has opinions on how you should live your life. Nothing I’m not used to from my parents, though...

B**, I really, really, really hope you haven’t died, nor found someone else... Or if you did, there should be someone better than you for me out there. But I really don’t see anyone topping how perfect you are for me. And I’m not just saying this of you being attractive & Jewish. I honestly never would’ve given Judaism a thought for conversion if it weren’t for you. You were with me in my life this whole time, I just couldn’t know yet. I really feel like our personalities are literally perfect for each other. You can stay calm & collected in areas I can’t stay calm & collected in, and vice versa.

Mem{ “You know what your path is. So even if it feels ‘psychotic’ to be doing the ‘psychotic’ thing, just follow it, and when the timing is right, the heavens will have finally become a mastered puzzle w/ all the pieces perfectly glued together. You got this. You have faith in me, and I’ll have faith in you. Please don’t ever give up, no matter how hard this is. I believe in you.” }

Our whole lives have been leading up to this. Ain’t NO way we givin’ this s**t up, ever! It’s getting tougher because the end is nearer, more people are finding out, and more are trying to have a chance at this. But none of this is new. We now know the correct ways to fight all these evil inclinations, we just gotta put this stuff into action. Help!!! And let’s get one thing straight: I will never give up on you until you give up on me. Just tell me, man-to-man, so I can get closure & move on w/ my life, k?

Nun{ “B***H! I got one thing right! That’s you! Now stop assuming I’m off w/ other girls bc you don’t hear from me as much, after you complain about not wanting to listen to ‘voices’ anymore. Just stay strong, and these confusing frustrations will go away. In His perfect timing! ;)” }

I love youuu!!! So to finish this convo.. We can get rid of guns & replace them w/ the Torah, no? Kill lies w/ the truth, and smack ‘em w/ The Book as self-defense if they come at us physically? I don’t see anything bad w/ this, as long as all guns are completely non-existent & everyone is on-board w/ the Torah... One day, this shall happen! We pray, G_d!

B{ “Thanks. I love you so much.” }

And as for cops, ******* brings up a good point, unless that’s changed too, & he’s stuck in the past & finally waking up.. Why not just replace the whole police academy w/ a judicial academy? Might be hard, but I think it’s def worth it to get rid of the exploitation of power.

B{ “I don’t even think it’s that hard. You have the best ideas, and people hate them bc they’re so good, and they hate change. But don’t worry, bc Millenials are catching up, & Gen Z is totally behind it all bc they’ve been wanting this change for so long, just like you. Our kids need us. We can’t just give up bc of a big, fat demon we haven’t yet conquered together. Yeshu; wrong; 3 strikes, you’re out.{{ “They all come to us one-by-one for guidance/help in His perfect timing, so you’re doing it right! We just live, let them come, & keep responding w/ the truth until they leave. They may come back for more clarification, & these are the blessings from G_d letting us know that we aren’t f**king up when we think we are.” }} So stay strong, & keep being you!” }

I love how we’re such cheerleaders for each other. I think we make an awesome couple!

B{ “So true, so sane, so- same!” } [;)]

<333 :*** You’re the bestt

B{ “No, u” }

Awh, stop. <3 WE THE BEST WE GON’ DO DIS WOOOTT! <3 :*

[PS. thx for letting me know it’s been you this whole time ;)]

_______________________________________________________________________

The future-- ((LOTS of jobs, and opportunities for soul-enriching career changes that your souls have been starving for this whole time.))

-Get rid of cops. --Replace police academy w/ judicial academy. -->Righteous cops right now -> Righteous judges/Orthodox rabbis -->Law enforcement based on complaints brought to court, with all parties involved -> Court cases w/ judges --Don’t need prideful cowards having power & authority!!

-Get rid of top-down government control. --Let citizens voice what they want at court, & we allow/disallow, based on ethics/morals.

-Jail for occultists until they Teshuvah. --Inmate supervisors must be the most temperant and spiritually woke rabbis with the gift and complete training of/on exorcism.

-Replace guns w/ Truth/Torah.

-Make everything cost less. --Get rid of inflation, & keep prices low. --Make it cheaper to produce/import/export things. -->Get rid of monopolies: Support the companies being shat on and seemingly declining. -->Ask G_d to bless them as well. -->And keep moving from company to company (still fulfilling Abrahamic Covenant!!) until everyone gets rid of their bull about needing to be the best, and one-upping each other with false piety. -->*Gets rid of the ADHD-inducing, highly competitive societies that literally destroy our children that need parental figures who are constantly emotionally & physically present.

-De-pathologize all spiritual experiences. --Prescribe counseling w/ a righteous rabbi on that spiritual level who can understand and give correct wisdom to rout out lies, and cement in truths from G_d.

-To combat mania: Learn something new/Start a new project that you’ve always wanted to, but never had the time for. --GET RID OF ANTIPSYCHOTICS. WE DON’T NEED THEM, THEY ARE WICKED, AND KILL OUR SOULS SLOWLY BUT SURELY. --May need a vacation/long break from normal life/routine to rechannel this energy.

-Get rid of psychiatrists. --DOs w/ specialty in PSY & medical marijuana instead. -->As antipsychotics add more dopamine, so does weed. We seriously don’t need man-made pills. They are wicked. -->True medicine: We just need to get pure extractions from plants that G_d gifted us with, to our lands.

-Get rid of psychiatric wards. --Just need sleep & vent stations w/ specially trained supervisors who can also attend to the affairs of medical marijuana and psychology, and intervene when there are warning signs observed. -->One-on-one, doctor-to-patient. -->*CILII (call it like it is): We are not clients, we are patients that need help getting healed. Coddling us with delusional labels will never help us actually, truly heal.

-Video games = Happy place/Fantasy land. --Prevents antisocial outbursts of mania. --There you go, video game developers ;)

-Make all foods Kosher. --More righteous rabbis needed!!

_______________________________________________________________________

G_d’s Puns--

-What the hell -> What the... ה, אל. -> What the ה... -> What the... discovery!!

-Hey B, you’re not bulls**t, you’re the bull star! I love my bull star ;) <3

-דוד -> dude

-MAGA = Make America Great Again -> מאגא -> --מאג׳א => MAJA = Make America Jewish Again -->F off, you anti-Semites. America was ALWAYS a promised land for the Jews escaping anti-Semitism. And we WILL reverse the Pentagon with a Hexagon. (Will be explained further, later on...)

-Prime Ministry in Israel

_______________________________________________________________________

G_d’s Wisdom--

-You don’t need to change anything about yourself, you just have to love & accept yourself just the way you are. --Then, G_d can help you grow into the person He made you to be. -->So: Be yourself! -->*QUIT TRYNA BE SOME ONE/THING YOU AREN’T. That s**t will make you psychotic af. Especially you, witches. The wicked fall in their own destruction, L.

-Genuine vs. Ungenuine... --Genuine: Always stick by you, support you, and try to help. -->Talking behind back: Exposing lies with truths; NOT gossip. --Ungenuine: Only come by when they sense you’ve caught on to them being ungenuine. -->Talking behind back: Gossip. -->*Gossip = Idly/falsely speaking of something, knowing full-well that’s what you’re doing, which will bite you in the a*s in His perfect timing.

-The Hamsa can be flipped. --Fight evil, & receive blessings. -->The Hamsa is a great way to know whether a soul is teachable, or too prideful for the actual Truth.

_______________________________________________________________________

7/13/19

I’m going to stop asking if you’ve given up on me, if you’ve found someone else, etc. You will never. You’re not someone who’d give up on something G_d worked so hard on your whole life, and neither am I. There are so many jealous fakes right now, but G_d’s secrets, through the Hebrew Aleph-Bet, never lie. People are now trying to confuse our discernment. How ignorant. They’re only now catching onto how we’ve lived our whole lives, and think they have us figured out. [Stupid, so stupid.] They legit have no lives... Humor at annoyance is something new, I guess. I really hope, and I pray right now, that this ride isn’t as f**ked up for you, as it has been for me. <3 you!

~leafy

_______________________________________________________________________

7.13.19

“Hey.”

What’s up?

“I’m just sorry that you have to go through this. I know it’s annoying af, but you gotta get used to it. This is your job now. You live your life, get to know people, and then weed out the bad from the good, and keep killing those lies w/ truths while ridiculing liars. It’s sort of pathetic how much people lie because they’re wrong and you’re right, eh?”

I wish liars would die off... they’re so f**king useless in this world. And they project their lying a*ses onto the most honest ppl... Triple Ls! Lyin’ Low Lives. LOSERS. HAHAH I love us & G_d. WOOT!!! <3 :*

“ily”

This is redemption in full swing, man. We got this!!

_______________________________________________________________________

7/13/19

LMFAO He dun p**sed himself dirty. Blaming me for... ruining your own life and making yourself delusional. Did I not warn you to not provoke me? You get what you deserve. You took advantage of me being nice and continued to slip demonic statements to try to bring me down, which in turn failed & brought you down. F**k off out of my life forever, dumb a*shole. lol. *******, give up if you actually want to be saved. You’re delusional & psychotic. Have a nice life...

I legit did nothing to your a*s. lmfao. You did all of this to your pathetic self. If you actually wanted true pity/love, you wouldn’t be so prideful to try to teach me something about my life as if you know anything like G_d does. The wicked fall in their own destruction. You try to kill me, you end up killing yourself or your own, and G_d won’t kill me since it’s NOT in His master plan. I already warned so many times.

YOUR FAULT, “******* ********.” Completely delusional. LOL. TWO CAN PLAY THE “FAKE LOVE” game, except I’m actually genuine when nice... and just mean when I have to be... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If I’m too nice, and you f**ked up, YOU f**ked up.

_______________________________________________________________________

7.13.19

Oh, so I wasn’t evil for seeing Mary w/ demonic eyes in meditation before, eh? D**n, how does my soul just know these things? I always saw Yeshu w/ evil eyes too. Yeshu’s sullen, Mary’s w/ red eyes. Hahah. I WAS RIGHT. LOL. F my parents. Apparently to Christians, being woke = being possessed. L. HAHAHAHAHA. Y’all the most psychotic bunch, reading “sacrificial lamb” & going, “OOHH, JESUS!” LMFAO. Quit projecting your delusional psychoses on us woke f***s, you b***hf***s...

_______________________________________________________________________

7/14/19

“פ: ily, Leah.”

Love you too, B**! <3 (:*)

_______________________________________________________________________

7.14.19

Someone from the CIA blew whistle on their wicked plan, then became an FBI. CIA stayed, trying to get either Mem or T**** or some other fake f**k possessed by Yeshu announced as “M” by me. FBI kept looking out for me & praying for me. CIA started lying to FBI about me, so war of logic began. -B** almost gave up, but I had all the proofs & legitimacy. Mem & T**** finally gave up, hopefully... Nun kept going back & forth between FBI & CIA to keep tabs on me. -Then, he got super confused with religions, got manic, made himself an idol, went manic again with drunk driving and died, and led me to AA.

TTT -> TT|TT: T**** to Teshuvah ~> no more OT, no more NT, just the Truth in the Torah.

Blue is calm, yellow is happy. Need to go to UCLA. Don’t need maize in my life... lol

_______________________________________________________________________

7/15/19

G_d,

This ‘three strikes, you’re out’ thing... I feel like it was needed this whole time for us to wake up & Teshuvah, but in this time of, I think, redemption? It’s time that people that haven’t caught on by now won’t ever catch on & aren’t teachable. I see that every time I give up on their salvation/conversion/praying for them, they either do an honest Teshuvah or they’re just placating/fakely appeasing me because they know that being nice to me is tied to their eternal life vs. damnation... But You know the secret hearts of all. And You made me perfectly, according to Your perfect will to finally bring fulfillment to the Messianic prophecies. But I’m also in here to be taught the last things I need to be taught before we actually embark on this Journey. Perhaps I’m not ready yet. Perhaps, once I can finally set my boundaries straight, keep them, and not let anyone f**k w/ them, is when I’ll finally be able to be comfortable w/ the ‘three strikes, you’re out’ thing. My Korean name means, ‘the wisdom of Jesus,’ not ‘the mercy of Jesus.’ That f**ker’s mercy is what f**ked everyone up, had them believing it was okay to sin in some ways but not others, and had everyone go psychotic w/ his sensual delusions of spiritual things. He got it completely wrong, and ended up becoming Satanist/Luciferian, starting Satanism/Luciferianism, then lying about f**king everything. He picked his own death, but now, he’s just roaming around and possessing so many... Only You can bring an end to this. So plz do! End him! He’s gross! He raped me enough times & f**ked w/ me enough for You to end him. Please end him, Mary, Baal, and Daniel NOW! Gosh. I’m sick of this fake love & talking about me behind my back. He’s evil. I bet he’s an Egyptian who lied about being Jewish. Not even a Jew, and had to lie to everyone about him being “the one,” just so people could find him credible... just like Mem, and just like T****... TYSM for the gift of my bull star!!!

We are only human, so we will only have human-like reactions to everything going on around us, in conjunction w/ Your will/master plan for us, unlike the prideful-a*s ‘holier-than-thou’ striving-to-be angels f**kers keeping their emotions repressed until they go f**king manic... since that’s not how You created us..

G_d, I love You, & how faithful You are to those that truly do love you.

I guess people don’t truly love You if they can’t humble themselves to a point where they can accept the truth... OK thx G_d, ilysm. ALWAYS be w/ me, no matter how sinful I get!! <3

_______________________________________________________________________

7.15.19

HEY YESHU YOU F**KA*S. You already dun raped me enough. F**K OFF & DIE. F**k this PNES. F**k your nonexistent penis, you intersexed demon.

Animals can’t talk, so they are allowed to fight back physically. -Humans can talk, so we should fight back w/ words, instead of animal-like.

Get rid of IVF. Not G_d’s will. -Adoption is. --If you fear/reject adoption for whatever reason, you don’t deserve/aren’t fit to be “parents” to a child/baby. -->So: Work on yourself. -IVF babies that exist now are obviously G_d’s plan, but seriously- no more. --ex: Me, but I’m cursed. All the time. It took HECKA praying for me to be unbound from this sin of my parents, and takes continuous prayer to ward off evil. NOT a life you want for yourself, nor your kids. Promise. It was only G_d that sustained me because He needs me to do LOTS of work for the salvation of all Jewish souls, but.... the wicked fall in their own destruction, until/unless they Teshuvah.

G_d, GET RID OF THAT DEMON & ITS SPAWNS ON EARTH, ESPECIALLY IN FLORIDA!!! OMFG. He’s making everyone psychotic there... Pwease, G_d!!!

G_d, I thank You so much for using me to show Jews the righteous way of life. Many reject this righteous way of life for some reason. I don’t get it. It’s so perfect & lovely. I just thank You for allowing me to be a beacon of Your true light and perfect love. Thank You for healing us!!! <3

פיליה בן ישראל: Name change after actual, physical, ritualistic conversion?

LOL Christians may shut us up IRL, but we be the only ones speaking the truth online...

_______________________________________________________________________

~~~~WAY more to come later, in His perfect timing!!

[kilnkin]

aud and wynn are the worst. theyre just. theyre the worst. featuring the most half assed conflict resolution and most awkward flirting to ever hit wollstonecraft.

kilnkin hey so uhhh are you ok?? first off?? everythings kinda crazy idk

kilnkin i guess you might be reading this and not reply to this so ill skip ahead im sorry?? shit no ok ignore the question marks im sorry i upset you really and made you set a lot of stuff on fire if thats what happened

cavelingthings were you ever going to tell me?

kilnkin yeah!! i mean idk probably?? i didnt think it was that big of a deal??

cavelingthings you lied to me

kilnkin i did and thats why im sorry i just really didnt think it would matter!! like i took it from them so they couldnt use it and i wouldve given it to you cause honestly i couldnt either

cavelingthings i wouldn't have minded if you just asked me first

cavelingthings tbh I'm relieved that it was you

kilnkin seriously?? you set a car on fire over that shit i dont think it wouldve been fine and dandy

cavelingthings well it wasn't extracted for nothing I'd rather someone I'm close to use it instead of those jerks

kilnkin so does that are you saying its fine??

kilnkin like i had moire prep me for this whole big grovelling thing and we're just? good?? fingers crossed

cavelingthings kind of...

cavelingthings just please promise you won't lie to me again that's what really hurt

kilnkin yeah of course!! ive seen you in action i wont be crossing you any time soon lol

cavelingthings yeah... a lot of people "saw me in action" tonight

kilnkin haha yeah youre probably earning a major rep with the new kids

cavelingthings I'll say, this "nick" guy messaged me earlier and called me something that i don't know how to deal with  

kilnkin what

kilnkin did he actually call you a cow is that what those people were going on about?? fuck him

cavelingthings oh no that was like a misunderstanding but ummm... he called me "beautiful"

kilnkin ??? OH oh

cavelingthings yeaaaaaaahhhh

kilnkin well thats weird not cause you arent or anything uh

kilnkin thats just. has he even seen you?? or is he just creeping ur blog omg

cavelingthings creeping he legit told me he was looking through my selfie tag

kilnkin ohhh my god thats why are all of these boys so creepy what the fuck??

cavelingthings no idea

kilnkin i mean theyre good selfies!! literally hot lololol but ohhhh my god

cavelingthings what? WAIT WHAT

kilnkin what what?? like the fire??? like hot haha pun ((:

kilnkin hello??

cavelingthings yes hi hello uhh sorry about that

kilnkin no problem i know im hilarious lol XD

cavelingthings that was a good pun A+

cavelingthings anyways I'm messing with that guy now lmao

kilnkin pffft you get it all the time im sure YES i wanted to ask omg what level of "messing with" bc one torched out car is an accident, two is suspicious lmao

cavelingthings oh!! no non of that ...for now none*

kilnkin lol good hey what did you like?? say to him

cavelingthings about what?

cavelingthings like how im messing w him or

kilnkin uh yeah! or like how you replied but yeah actually im more interested in the messing with lol

cavelingthings well he said "maybe we can aim for a better second impression, yeah?" And I was like "if you're lucky" then he said "ooh, shit,alright.  i'll bring my A game" and then I said "don't know what your A game is but from the first impression you might need to bring your B and C game for support" i don't know if its working or if it looks like I really am flirting back :T

cavelingthings how do i mess w boys ?

kilnkin uhh hmm im not good with flirting so im not sure actually lol )):

cavelingthings ....didn't you like call me hot back there

kilnkin uh ok listen wynn whatever i may or may not have said five minutes ago my idea of both flirting and messing with boys is putting bugs in their beds and like idkk otherwise pranking them so um maybe do one of those things to him??

cavelingthings I could like buy him a coffee and fill it with something gross when he's not looking

kilnkin haha yeah thats the spirit

cavelingthings any suggestions?

kilnkin slobber from beaus hellhounds might be a good place to start

cavelingthings perfect i can't believe i just asked him to coffee yikes

kilnkin oh my god lmao its ok its all part of the setup lol im sure dog slobber tastes grosser coming from someone u have a crush on right XD

cavelingthings hm don't know! guess we could test it, do you have a cup o' dog slobber to give me?

cavelingthings kidding lmao

cavelingthings or am i?

kilnkin haha w or?? not haha lol um

cavelingthings omg he agreed :0

kilnkin are you? oh!! good omg it begins lolol

[kristinsimmons]

Easy Chocolate Hemp Protein Balls

It’s okay to give yourself a break.

This is something I’ve been reminded of over and over again since the beginning of the year. In a recent newsletter, I shared my struggles with injury and overtraining and opened up about why I decided to take a big old exercise break starting in January 2018. It felt so wrong to do that at the start of a brand new year, let me tell you! I was so nervous to send that newsletter issue out, but the response was fantastic, and many of you said you’d been going through something similar. It never ceases to amaze me how supportive this community is!

The themes of my year have been self-care, healing, and gentle movement while I work through some ongoing health issues, and so far I’ve been sticking with them. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not doing “enough”, as it’s easy to get caught up in fitspo or the latest workout fads on Instagram. It seems like others are always working harder or in better shape. Same goes for career stuff. It’s just too easy to get sucked into that mindset of feeling like there are always 10 things I could fix, or that I’m always 10 steps behind where I “should” be. Hello, rat race! And I’ve realized that buying into that means that I’ll never be happy with where I am. It’s awesome to have goals, but feeling like I’m always behind (especially when I’m trying to make positive changes in other areas in my life) isn’t a relaxing way to live.

A lovely reader named Amanda commented recently, saying, “…part of the reason I’ve always loved your blog is because you’re not a robot who just pumps out recipes…you tell us a bit about what’s going on in your life.” I could’ve cried reading Amanda’s note, as it was just what I needed to hear that day after feeling so much guilt about how the year had gone so far. Sometimes we just need the reminder that we’re allowed to have weeks, months, or years that just feel off, but the bright side is that they make us hungrier for those weeks, months, and years that feel GOOD. It’s the best kind of motivation once you get that wake-up call.

I’ve always been an all-or-nothing type of gal, and it’s something I have to be mindful of all the time…it’s in my nature to go big or go home. It’s not in my nature to approach things in a gentle (sane) manner! I am a Taurean bull, afterall—charging, stubborn, determined to accomplish my goals at almost any cost. But often that cost tends to be my emotional or physical health. I charge ahead with my eyes set on the goal and I’m usually okay with the collateral damage if it’s “just me” that takes a hit. I’m strong and can handle a lot, so for most of my life that’s how things have worked.

Eventually something has to give though…it always does! My health issues this past year (see this post and comments) have been a huge red flag. And for once, I’m listening closely even though I don’t quite understand the root of it yet. I’m taking time for me. I’m trying to heal myself. I’m going to doctors appointments. I’m on a temporary allergy elimination diet (hence the lack of recipes lately!) and I’m getting long overdue tests done. I’m not burning myself out.

The silver lining is that setbacks, whether health or otherwise, do eventually force us to stop and examine everything. I know the other side will hold a deeper appreciation for feeling like myself again. And when I get back into my beloved sweaty workouts (which I actually do love), I’ll strive for more balance and patience rather than seeing how many classes I can cram into one week. I will continue to follow social media accounts that build me up with positive inspiration and avoid the others like the plague. I’ll be okay with where I am and respect the journey rather than feeling like I’m failing.

So yes, it’s okay to give yourself a break.

You don’t always have to be in go-go-go mode.

You don’t have to feel behind everyone else.

Where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be—even if it’s uncomfortable.  

Well, that’s this week’s reminder for anyone who needs it. :) Sort of a thought dump going on today! I’d love to hear if you’ve ever been through something similar, or maybe you’ve been working through things this year too?

Unrelated but definitely worth mentioning: these rich and fudgy balls are FANTASTIC and we can’t stop making them!!! Haha. I hope you love them too.  

Easy Chocolate Hemp Protein Balls

Vegan, gluten-free, grain-free, no bake/raw, nut-free, refined sugar-free

This is the ideal snack when your sweet tooth needs something fast, but you also want the staying power of healthy fats and protein! Bursting with hemp hearts, these nut-free chocolate protein balls are nutritional powerhouses filled with protein, omega-3 fatty acids, iron, magnesium, and more. Just like your favourite little black dress, they can be dressed up or down depending on your mood. I love rolling them in hemp hearts, shredded coconut or cocoa powder. For an extra luxurious energy ball, I simply dip the balls in melted chocolate and then chill them until the coating is firm. Recipe adapted from my Raw Chocolate Truffles in The Oh She Glows Cookbook Bonus Bundle.

Yield 6 large or 12 small balls

Prep time 10 Minutes

Cook time 0 Minutes

Chill time 20 minutes

Total time 10 Minutes

Ingredients:

For the balls:

1 cup (160 g) lightly packed pitted Medjool dates*

6 tablespoons (55 g) hemp hearts

3 tablespoons (15 g) unsweetened cocoa powder or raw cacao powder

2 tablespoons (11 g) shredded unsweetened coconut

1 tablespoon (15 mL) virgin coconut oil

1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt

3 tablespoons (30 g) chopped dark chocolate (optional)

1 to 3 teaspoons (5 to 15 mL) water, if needed

Topping options:

Shredded coconut

Hemp hearts

Unsweetened cocoa powder or raw cacao powder

Melted dark chocolate

Directions:

Place the pitted dates in a food processor and process until a ball forms.

Add the remaining ingredients to the processor (hemp hearts, cocoa/cacao powder, coconut, coconut oil, salt, and chocolate, if using) and process until thoroughly combined and almost smooth. The dough should be sticky and shouldn’t be crumbly when you form a ball. If it’s not sticky enough, add 1 to 3 teaspoons of water a bit at a time, processing after each addition.

Line a plate with parchment paper. Lightly wetting your hands if needed, shape the dough into balls and place them on the lined plate. Roll each ball into your desired topping(s) until completely coated (if needed, lightly wet the ball before rolling so the toppings stick).

Freeze the balls for 20 minutes until firm or simply enjoy right away!

Store the leftovers in the fridge or freezer for a quick burst of energy whenever you need one (seriously, that would be all the time in this house!). The balls will keep in an airtight container in the fridge for a week and in the freezer for 4 to 8 weeks.

Tips:

* If your dates are bone dry, soak them in boiled water for 15 minutes and then drain very well. Use an old towel to press out the excess water. If the “dough” is too sticky to shape, add some shredded coconut and process again.

  For a fun twist, try changing up the flavours by adding peppermint or orange extract!

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[susantregre]

Easy Chocolate Hemp Protein Balls

It’s okay to give yourself a break.

This is something I’ve been reminded of over and over again since the beginning of the year. In a recent newsletter, I shared my struggles with injury and overtraining and opened up about why I decided to take a big old exercise break starting in January 2018. It felt so wrong to do that at the start of a brand new year, let me tell you! I was so nervous to send that newsletter issue out, but the response was fantastic, and many of you said you’d been going through something similar. It never ceases to amaze me how supportive this community is!

The themes of my year have been self-care, healing, and gentle movement while I work through some ongoing health issues, and so far I’ve been sticking with them. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not doing “enough”, as it’s easy to get caught up in fitspo or the latest workout fads on Instagram. It seems like others are always working harder or in better shape. Same goes for career stuff. It’s just too easy to get sucked into that mindset of feeling like there are always 10 things I could fix, or that I’m always 10 steps behind where I “should” be. Hello, rat race! And I’ve realized that buying into that means that I’ll never be happy with where I am. It’s awesome to have goals, but feeling like I’m always behind (especially when I’m trying to make positive changes in other areas in my life) isn’t a relaxing way to live.

A lovely reader named Amanda commented recently, saying, “…part of the reason I’ve always loved your blog is because you’re not a robot who just pumps out recipes…you tell us a bit about what’s going on in your life.” I could’ve cried reading Amanda’s note, as it was just what I needed to hear that day after feeling so much guilt about how the year had gone so far. Sometimes we just need the reminder that we’re allowed to have weeks, months, or years that just feel off, but the bright side is that they make us hungrier for those weeks, months, and years that feel GOOD. It’s the best kind of motivation once you get that wake-up call.

I’ve always been an all-or-nothing type of gal, and it’s something I have to be mindful of all the time…it’s in my nature to go big or go home. It’s not in my nature to approach things in a gentle (sane) manner! I am a Taurean bull, afterall—charging, stubborn, determined to accomplish my goals at almost any cost. But often that cost tends to be my emotional or physical health. I charge ahead with my eyes set on the goal and I’m usually okay with the collateral damage if it’s “just me” that takes a hit. I’m strong and can handle a lot, so for most of my life that’s how things have worked.

Eventually something has to give though…it always does! My health issues this past year (see this post and comments) have been a huge red flag. And for once, I’m listening closely even though I don’t quite understand the root of it yet. I’m taking time for me. I’m trying to heal myself. I’m going to doctors appointments. I’m on a temporary allergy elimination diet (hence the lack of recipes lately!) and I’m getting long overdue tests done. I’m not burning myself out.

The silver lining is that setbacks, whether health or otherwise, do eventually force us to stop and examine everything. I know the other side will hold a deeper appreciation for feeling like myself again. And when I get back into my beloved sweaty workouts (which I actually do love), I’ll strive for more balance and patience rather than seeing how many classes I can cram into one week. I will continue to follow social media accounts that build me up with positive inspiration and avoid the others like the plague. I’ll be okay with where I am and respect the journey rather than feeling like I’m failing.

So yes, it’s okay to give yourself a break.

You don’t always have to be in go-go-go mode.

You don’t have to feel behind everyone else.

Where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be—even if it’s uncomfortable.  

Well, that’s this week’s reminder for anyone who needs it. :) Sort of a thought dump going on today! I’d love to hear if you’ve ever been through something similar, or maybe you’ve been working through things this year too?

Unrelated but definitely worth mentioning: these rich and fudgy balls are FANTASTIC and we can’t stop making them!!! Haha. I hope you love them too.  

Easy Chocolate Hemp Protein Balls

Vegan, gluten-free, grain-free, no bake/raw, nut-free, refined sugar-free

This is the ideal snack when your sweet tooth needs something fast, but you also want the staying power of healthy fats and protein! Bursting with hemp hearts, these nut-free chocolate protein balls are nutritional powerhouses filled with protein, omega-3 fatty acids, iron, magnesium, and more. Just like your favourite little black dress, they can be dressed up or down depending on your mood. I love rolling them in hemp hearts, shredded coconut or cocoa powder. For an extra luxurious energy ball, I simply dip the balls in melted chocolate and then chill them until the coating is firm. Recipe adapted from my Raw Chocolate Truffles in The Oh She Glows Cookbook Bonus Bundle.

Yield 6 large or 12 small balls

Prep time 10 Minutes

Cook time 0 Minutes

Chill time 20 minutes

Total time 10 Minutes

Ingredients:

For the balls:

1 cup (160 g) lightly packed pitted Medjool dates*

6 tablespoons (55 g) hemp hearts

3 tablespoons (15 g) unsweetened cocoa powder or raw cacao powder

2 tablespoons (11 g) shredded unsweetened coconut

1 tablespoon (15 mL) virgin coconut oil

1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt

3 tablespoons (30 g) chopped dark chocolate (optional)

1 to 3 teaspoons (5 to 15 mL) water, if needed

Topping options:

Shredded coconut

Hemp hearts

Unsweetened cocoa powder or raw cacao powder

Melted dark chocolate

Directions:

Place the pitted dates in a food processor and process until a ball forms.

Add the remaining ingredients to the processor (hemp hearts, cocoa/cacao powder, coconut, coconut oil, salt, and chocolate, if using) and process until thoroughly combined and almost smooth. The dough should be sticky and shouldn’t be crumbly when you form a ball. If it’s not sticky enough, add 1 to 3 teaspoons of water a bit at a time, processing after each addition.

Line a plate with parchment paper. Lightly wetting your hands if needed, shape the dough into balls and place them on the lined plate. Roll each ball into your desired topping(s) until completely coated (if needed, lightly wet the ball before rolling so the toppings stick).

Freeze the balls for 20 minutes until firm or simply enjoy right away!

Store the leftovers in the fridge or freezer for a quick burst of energy whenever you need one (seriously, that would be all the time in this house!). The balls will keep in an airtight container in the fridge for a week and in the freezer for 4 to 8 weeks.

Tips:

* If your dates are bone dry, soak them in boiled water for 15 minutes and then drain very well. Use an old towel to press out the excess water. If the “dough” is too sticky to shape, add some shredded coconut and process again.

  For a fun twist, try changing up the flavours by adding peppermint or orange extract!

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© copyright 2018 Oh She Glows. All Rights Reserved.

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[a-rush-of-dreams-to-the-head]

part 5

Will POV

Will is sitting down to eat breakfast with Guy. He's got the usual of toast and juice, not feeling confident venturing into the local delicacies this morning, and Guy is making do with a large black coffee. They hadn't really talked much, as Guy seemed to be engrossed in reading some book on mechanical stuff, but as Jonny shakily slipped into the seat next to Guy the two look at each other worriedly. Jonny is staring into the distance and alternates between shuddering and a horrified expression.

"Jon, are you OK?" Will starts.

"Yep. Sure. Great... I'm great." Jonny doesn't look great. There's no colour in his cheeks but green and Will can see this heighten as he glances at the food on the table. Will is about to say something else when Jonny makes a low sound of disgust and folds his arms across the table, resting his face on top staring directly downward the "eugghhh" sounds emaninating almost like sobbing. Guy tries to lighten the mood.

"So, did you fix your guitar yet?" The noises get louder and higher pitched. Guy just rolls his eyes, chugs the remainder of his coffee and stalks off to his room. Will is awkwardly patting Jonny on the back from across the table.

"Why don't you go and see where Y/N is at, that'll cheer you up." Jonny's red-flushed face springs up instantly.

"I'd rather not thanks!" With this it instantly descends back onto his arms. Will frowns, not quite knowing what to do.

"Look Jon, just tell me what's bothering you so much." His voice hardens. "Is it Chris?" Jonny says something but all Will hears is a mumble through arms and table. "Try that again?"

"I said, yes - if you must know." Wills eyes narrow.

"Has he done something to Y/N?" A ruby blush forms on Jonny's cheeks and the guitarists face contorts in almost pain.

"I guess you could say that." Wills heart drops, it better not be what it sounds like.

"Does... Did Chris book Y/N her own room?" Jonny hesitates and then shakes his head. 

"It...um... Didn't look like it" Will looks entirely unimpressed, bordering on angry and Jonny gives up holding back and lets it all spill out. "OhgodWillitwassohorrible... I mean he's my best friend and I DID NOT NEED TO...Eugh it just feels so wrong and Y/N

..." His head half slams against the table as he whines into it. "I never needed to see that, I've seen enough of that girl... Oh god it feels illegal and I ... I" Will calmly let's Jonny finish his outburst and as he sags, deflated, into his chair let's his expression rest into that of cold calm calculation. Jonny clocks it. "Are..um.. are you OK Will?" Will doesn't respond, simply places down the piece of toast he was eating and takes a deep breath inward, nostrils flaring. Jonny looks more and more concerned the more seconds pass without Will moving. Suddenly the reason for Will’s emotional state dawns on him and he swallows, hard.  Will is silently cursing himself for trusting his front man and supposed friend. He has to work hard to suppress all the emotions that come to mind when he considers him... Doing that. Will wants you protected, Will wants you safe, Will does not want Chris' hands all over you. That man needs to be forced to control himself if he can't manage it himself, he thinks darkly and his expression turns slightly sinister, whatever it takes.

**

"Right before we finish up, has anyone got anything else to add?" Just as Will asks Chris stumbles through the door, a red slap mark visible on his cheek. He falls into one of the empty chairs and Will stares daggers at him across the table. Jonny rolls his eyes and gets up to leave. 

"Aren't we meant to be doing the set list?" Chris asks. Will scoffs and also leaves his chair.

"Yeah, two hours ago. I don't have time to wait, Guy can fill you in." With that and a tell tale nostril flare, the drummer leaves the room - with Jonny hot on his heels. Guy looks with curiosity at Chris' injury.

"Who'd you piss off this time?" Chris winces at the memory.

"Well I thought one of the girls from catering was into me." He grimaces. "She was not into me." Guy laughs at this, raising his eyebrows at his friend.

"Dude I swear you have no game." Chris' eyes glint dangerously.

" 'S not what that girl from the party would say. What was her name again... Monica? Was it Monica? Something like that." Guy's smile has been wiped entirely off his face at the memory of Chris swooping in on a girl he'd had a crush on for months and collecting a token one night stand to add to his collection. He tried to not let Chris see how much the comment affected him and attempts a jibe back.

"She was pissed and a slag Chris, not exactly an achievement. Just accept it, girls don't just fall at your feet anymore. You've lost it." Chris squares his jaw challengingly.

"Pick me out any sober, normal girl you like and I'll prove you wrong Berryman." Guy smirks back.

"I think I'll take you up on that"

 "Left hand side, about 15 people along - the one by herself with the eyes"

Chris had half a plan. He'd make sure to pay special attention to the girl during the concert, then he'd either try and catch her as she left, or try and get her backstage somehow - he hadn't quite decided. Guy had been as difficult as possible in choosing a girl pretty far into the show so he'd have to work fast. He moved quickly toward the left-hand side of the stage, trying to look casual. His eyes contacted hers as he sang and moments later he saw her collapse directly onto the ground. Oh.

  **

  Give me one, cause one is best

In confusion, confidence

Give me strength, reserve control

Give me heart and give me soul.

~~An extract from Politik by Coldplay

 You had known fully well that by not taking clothes into the bathroom you'd have to walk across half your hotel room in only a towel, and yet you did it anyway. You tried to ignore the way Chris' eyes darkened as you slid from behind the door and instead focused on making it to your suitcase. As you went to bend down to open it you felt a very warm, very male, body behind you. Chris wraps his arms around you from behind and hums happily into your ear, sending shivers down your spine. You try to restrain yourself and catch a glance of the clock, reading 9:57.

"Um Chris?" You squeak and he hums again in response. "Don't you have a band meeting at 10?" You feel his arms tense slightly before relaxing once again.

"I can think of things I'd rather do." His words so close to your ear are almost unbearable but you don't want him to fall out with his friends and have to fight your urges.

"They'll be pissed.” You remind him and he doesn't respond. "Chris, I promise I'll make it up to you." You lean your head back to rest on his chest. "Later." You see the deliberation in his eyes and as you look up at him he heavily brings his mouth down on yours for a quick, hard kiss.

"mmm…You better." With that he gently releases you and begins to pull on clothes.

 *****

 You take so long dressing you miss breakfast, which disappoints you greatly. Chris and the band have already taken off to prepare the stage for tonight and as Chris promised to send a car for you this evening you find yourself with not much to do to fill your time. You try and write something in the diary you've been failing to keep for years but can't really think of anything good - and you keep getting interrupted by texts from Chris.

 SEXY: don't think I'll forget about ur promise darling xx

YOU: wouldn't dream of it :-p xx

SEXY: this sound check is so boring xx

SEXY: will is driving me up the wall xx

YOU: play nice and u might get rewarded ;-) xx

SEXY: what u do to me is worrying xxx

YOU: good, I hope? xx

SEXY: you don't know the half of it xx

SEXY: play nice and you might find out xxx

You sigh. If you didn't change the subject soon you'd lose all control you had left.

YOU: is Jonny OK? xx

SEXY: won't talk about it to me xD xx

SEXY: will is v. pissy tho, idk y xx

YOU: b extra nice. xx

SEXY: I'll tryyy xx

 Will was so kind and lovely to you, you couldn't understand why he and Chris had so many altercations. You'd never seen any in the flesh, but Chris always seemed to be moaning about Will doing something or another - though mostly just in passing. He didn't really talk about his friends much in the present tense, at least not to you. He told you old tour stories and tales from his university days, but nothing recent. Nothing even slightly recent. You guessed that maybe they'd all got a bit more responsible on this tour, and so hadn't done much worth telling and so hadn't really been bothered by it. You did find it sometimes hit you that Chris was 29, compared to your 19. He sometimes made references for things before you were born and you worried that he would easily bore of you and your immature ways. To you he seems so sophisticated and organised, he knows what he wants to do in his life and is right in the middle of doing it. He knows all about fine wine, fancy dining, can speak multiple languages - he's just so grown up. The last boy who had been interested in you tried to win your favour with a game of beer pong, so this was certainly a step up. You hold Chris in the highest esteem, he is measured, controlled, kind and yet so fun and spontaneous at the same time. He is just as perfect as you always thought he would be and it is like a dream to be with him.

 SEXY: do you have the dress on you? Xx

 Shit. Totally forgot about that.

 YOU: how bad would it be for me to say no? xx

SEXY: a problem easily solved babe xx

SEXY: a lady can't wear the same dress twice anyway xx

Oh god, what was he going to do.

YOU: I got some stuff to wear dw xx

SEXY: leave it with me xx

YOU: Chris I can dress myself :-P xx

SEXY: ur job is to put the clothes on xx

SEXY: I endeavour to undo ur hard work xx

SEXY: so I may as well provide the clothes ;-) xx

 Well you can’t say no to that.

 You leave Chris' hotel room and catch a glance at yourself in the mirror as you do. The fuchsia silk, box pleat dress barely grazes your knees and your white ankle strap heels give you an extra inch of height you're not used to. You had been slightly worried when the concierge had arrived with the fancy "Nanushka" box - a store you had seen the outside out from your taxi ride and resolved that you'd never have enough money to enter - but the dress was beautiful and you had text Chris to try and thank him. Sure, he hadn't replied yet, but the car would be here soon so you had to get a move on. You had discovered the pockets seen into the sides of your dress, and so slipped your still silent phone inside as you let the door lock shut behind you.  Your hair is gently flowing in a sheet behind you, with two small plaits emerging by your temples and meeting at the back of your head to hold it back. You had managed to remember your makeup when you packed, so your eyelids are dusted with white and silver and your lips darkened slightly. You have never been amazing at full makeup transformations, but you liked what you could do and you feel as if you've done a good job. You seem to fit in among the regular clientele of the hotel as you make your way towards where Chris had told you the car would wait. As you step outside you take the sunglasses from your hand and slip them over your eyes. It's not that late yet, and the Hungarian sun is still viscous. Luckily for you, your car seems to have just pulled up at the valet entrance. You had made Chris describe the exact male and model, so you didn't accidentally get into someone else’s, and you are 99% sure this matches up. The driver hurries out.

"Madám YL/N?" He questions hesitantly,

To avoid the language barrier you nod, and he opens the back door - looking quickly and resolutely at the floor. You brush it off as some sort of cultural difference and settle in the soft leather of the back seats. You check your phone again. Nothing. Not even a single text. You try to hold down the disappointment. Ever since you and Chris had been talking you were convinced it was a joke and the doubts still longer slightly in your mind. You can't comprehend why he would ever want you. He could have pretty much anyone he wanted, and yet here you were in a car paid for by him, going to his concert, in a dress he bought you. Thinking about that again makes you frown. Although the concierge had tried to hide it you had caught a glance at the bill in the bottom of the bag. Doing the math in your head the 126 thousand Hungarian Forint was over three thousand pounds. Three thousand pounds! That didn't even count the heels, or the concierge fee. Part of you was desperately excited at Chris' habit of eccentric spending on you, but most of you felt mildly uncomfortable. There's no way you could do anything like that for him, you've barely seen three thousand pounds let alone spent it on a gift. You are simply petrified he's going to get bored of you; you have a perfect, kind, loving boyfriend and you feel like any second you could lose him.

 The car pulls up to a side entrance to a huge stadium. Your door is opened and you slip out, thanking the driver. Two men are standing in front of the door. One looks up and you recognise him to be Matt. He looks taken aback for a second and the man next to him is alerted to your presence, growing as he looks you up and down. His eyes linger slightly before elbows him hard before smiling rather unnervingly at you.

"Hey, nice to see you again." His eyes are fixed onto your own and you attempt a smile back. He notices your tension and hurries to move his Hungarian co-worker out of the way to open the door. "I got stuck on ID today, so lucky for you I can let you in." The smile is back and it's really starting to worry you. You open your mouth to thank him but you are interrupted. "Oh! I've been told to direct you to Chris' dressing room. You're a bit early so you might have to wait for a bit, I have no idea where he's at." You nod and he seems too eager to personally show you the way. You are left, sat on a chair in a pretty small, yet we lit dressing room, awaiting Chris.

 **

 As you sit, your mind wanders. Your hands toy absentmindedly with the neckline of you dress, wishing it was an inch or two higher. It's not that you don't like it. Not at all. You just aren't really used to wearing such... Out there... Clothing. Greys and pastels were your usually colours of choice and the reddish pink that currently encapsulates you is a step out of your comfort zone. Not that you've been anywhere near your comfort zone for weeks. You still felt partially like you were in a dream that was going to end any second now, and your whole body is shaking with nerves. The texts you have been getting from Chris today have been extremely... Well... Suggestive doesn't really cover it. You are torn between thinking it's his idea of a funny joke and taking him seriously. Either way it's made the reality of the entire situation much more doubtful to you. The romantic side of your mind tries to convince you that it all makes sense, he was drawn to you in that crowd and somehow had decided he likes you enough to keep you around, but you just can't fully make it all click in your head. You get tired of sitting and stand to inspect a rather abstract painting hanging on the far wall of the room.

 You are midway through deciphering one of the splodges when you hear the door open. A quick check over your shoulder confirms it's Chris. His expression changes to one of smug desire so quickly that you don't really register the sour scowl present before. His smile gave you butterflies and you suddenly remember how nervous you are and try to hide the shaking that threatens to overtake you. Chris doesn't seem to notice and steps into the room, firmly clicking the door shut behind him.

"Hey there beautiful." Your eyes are drawn to his lips as he speaks and you attempt a reply, feeling as faint as the day you met.

"Hey there yourself" You smile gently, eyes widening the closer he gets to you. "How was sound check in the end?' 

"Boring, as usual with added bonus boring." He replies as if his eyes aren't admiring the handiwork of his fashion sense. You laugh softly and his eyes rise to meet yours again. You are still stunned by just how blue they are in person. You'd seen Chris' eyes in many a situation and you are enthralled with how different they can look. Sometimes you see stormy seas, sometimes soft, calm ponds, but today you see mesmerising whirlpools. You just can't look away and don't even hear as he asks you a question. Eventually he notices your predicament and slowly moves closer to you, a smirk growing on his face. He brings one finger up to softly poke you between the eyes.

"You know I never found out if you set me as your screensaver again on your new phone." A quick blush from you answers that question and the dark smirk grows further. You blush further at being caught lost in his eyes, but Chris seems to find this endearing and laughs at you. He gently places his arms around your hips. "You know I really missed you today." You blink in surprise. He leans down to whisper in your ear. "Really missed you." You pull back to check for truthfulness in his face, but he seems genuine. A hesitant smile blossoms back at him. 

"I missed you too." You say and his eyes dilate at your words before roaming your outfit again for a while, while your heart rate increases by the second.

"Did I mention how good that dress looks on you?" His voice is low and gives away a portion of the desire he feels. His face moves tantalising close to yours, studying your features intently before continuing. "I vote we see if it looks even better off." The enthusiastic nod seems to be automatic, you made up your mind a while ago. You are, however, taken aback by the directness of his offer, but bring your hands into Chris' hair as he begins to kiss you. Your mind feels frozen but your body is driving itself, reacting perfectly in time with the man trying to manoeuvre you toward a wall. Once he manages this, he takes his time in making his way across your face and neck until he gets inpatient and begins to wrestle with the zip on your back. By this point you are entirely beyond rational thought and hook your hands under his shirt in return. When your cold hands reach his skin he growls and practically throws you onto the corner sofa.

 ***

Checking the time hadn't been Chris' first priority. You are biting gently on his lips, sat on his stomach with your hands in his hair. The next thing you know he has let out a shout and has slipped out from under you, manically throwing on clothes from a rail that you had previously knocked over. He doesn't say a word, just leaves with your lipstick still covering him and his hair directly giving away his previous activities.

"Chris!" You shout after him as the door slams behind him, the feeling of the lazy kisses from just moments before a ghost on your lips. You look around the dressing room, your clothes are scattered across the floor along with his. You're alone.

 You sigh as you get up and make yourself decent again. You note that the zip is slightly torn thanks to Chris's rough treatment in his impatience. Despite how truly amazing the last fifteen minutes of your life was you feel somewhat used and dejected. What if you weren't good? What if you were bad? You don’t want to leave the room and watch the show, instead your mind takes you into a spiral of worry for hours until the door clicks open and Chris walks in looking guilty... and sweaty.

"Y/N I'm so sorry!!" He rushes over but stops short of where you're sitting, as if he doesn't know how to handle this. You get up to aid the poor man. The look on his face dispels any doubts you hold for now.

"It's okay, Chris." You smile, putting your arms around him and looking up. "It wasn't your fault." You murmur quietly as he brings his mouth down onto yours as if picking up where he left off. He pushes you back against the wall and you nibble his lip like you were before he left. You barely hear the footsteps getting closer. His hands move from your shoulders to your back, from your back to your waist and from your waist they move downwards agonisingly slowly, sending your delirious mind into a frenzy, your hands gripping his golden curls just a little tighter by the second. Footsteps draw closer and you're dangerously close to being undressed again when a knock on the door stops Chris in his tracks.

"Chris c'mon we've gotta go!" Guy's voice sounds from behind the wall, "Will's gettin' pissy enough as it is!"

"I'll be right out." Chris calls back and you hear the footsteps begin to fade.

"You know, I haven't seen Guy since I got back." You smile and move towards the door, figuring you should probably thank him for the bass lessons - even if you are terrible.

"Where're you going?" Chris's eyes widen in panic and he quickly moved in front of you to block the door.

"To say hi?"  You shrug as if it's obvious.

"You can't right now." He demands childishly.

"Why?"

Realising his mistake his face changes to the lustful smirk he had on before. "Because I want you all to myself." He purrs, moving towards you and positioning his hands hands low on your hips. You roll your eyes and kiss him quickly and deeply before pushing him gently away.

"Chris we need to be more careful." You murmur, not really wanting to stop what you're doing but knowing that if Guy had walked in it would've caused all sorts of mess for everyone.

"I know, baby we will. Let's get back to the hotel, yeah?"                                                  

[crijoh]

I wrote a post a little over a week ago when I fully figured out the duration mechanics of food. Now it's been over 24 hours since someone broke my potency system - the only thing standing in my way of saying I'm done! I think it's time to redo my post and make all my final changes... so without further ado, I present to you:BOTW CookingBasic MechanicsTotal health is equal to the sum of the health restoring ingredients' values multiplied by 2 or Health=Sum(HealthValues)x2An effect's duration is controlled by the sum of it's ingredient's time values (all cold resist/attack up/stealth up/etc share the same time) plus 30 seconds for every ingredient.Potency is controlled by a point system. To figure out the potency of a dish, you must sum up the potency points of the ingredients and check if you've passed a certain threshold.Dishes can "crit", you'll hear a musical cue to signify that it has occurred (you'll pick up on it pretty easily).DurationThe duration of an effect is handled by the effect, not the ingredient. All attack boosting ingredients, for example, contribute 20 seconds to the duration, totaling 50 seconds for counting as an ingredient.Attack Up 0:20Cold Resistance 2:00Defense Up 0:20Fireproof 2:00Heat Resistance 2:00Shock Resistance 2:00Speed Up 0:30Stealth Up 1:30With this we can calculate a dish's duration when using a voltfruit and two apples like this: First, you get 2:00 for each voltfruit (1) in the dish. Then you add any time boosting ingredients (I'll talk about them later) of which there are none. Finally, add 0:30 for each ingredient (3) totaling 1:30. Add your 2:00 to the 1:30 and you get 3:30. (If you get different results, make sure you listened for the crit music).PotencyFor potency, it appears each ingredient has a specific "tier". Each tier provides X amount of "potency points" specific for each effect type detailed in the brown section labeled "Potency Table" in the spreadsheet:Tier 1 (Low) - X PointsTier 2 (Mid) - 2X PointsTier 3 (High) - 3X PointsTo reach a certain tier, you must accumulate a number of points. As such:Mid Threshold = 30High Threshold = 45For example, add a Mighty Porgy (28) to one Mighty Thistles (7) and a Mighty Banana (14) to get a High level Attack buff (potency of 49). For more information, check the "potency" and "effect tier" column in the spreadsheet.Time BoostsFor add-on ingredients (in my inventory it starts with Hylian Rice and ends with 'Dragon' Claw) you get a time boost. Important things to note are:Sometimes time boosting ingredients provide less than the actual effect yielding ingredients themselves.They do not increase potency.They can only be used once in a recipe before losing their duration increase and acting as only ingredients (IE: 1 Bird egg = 1:00 + 0:30, 2 Bird egg = 1:00 + 0:00 + 0:30 + 0:30)For more information, see the cyan section in the spreadsheet.Critical Dishes (Courtesy of /u/ErsatzCats)When you experience a crit while cooking, you'll hear a musical cue and one of 5 effects will proc depending on if you dish supports it:+3 Hearts Restored.+5:00 Duration.+1 Potency Tier (IE: Low -> Mid, Mid -> High).+1 Extra Temporary Heart.+2/5 extra green or yellow stamina.If you want to circumnavigate the RNG aspect, you can add a Star Fragment or any dragon parts. Additionally, cooking while a blood moon is in effect (11:35pm-11:55pm) will trigger a crit automatically.In the realm of RNG, Monster Extract randomly randomizes health recovery, potency tier, and duration. The latter of which will be randomized to either 1:00, 10:00, or 30:00.Temporary StatsFor Hearty ingredients and Stamina restoration/boosting ingredients they follow a surprisingly basic set of rules:All Enduras and Heartys fully restore stamina and health respectively. This operates regardless of any other health restoring ingredients (IE: Apples/Raw Meat).The total temporary stamina/hearts provided is the sum of the individual ingredients' effects.For more information, see the pink and orange section in the spreadsheet.Elixir SpecificsElixirs are no different from cooking apart from being far superior in duration and producing a dubious dish (even if the other ingredients are correct) if you do not include a reagent. Elixirs take precedent in a dish, but the label is purely aesthetic. Here's some important things to note:To include an elixir ingredient, you must also include a reagent from a monster. This will establish the dish as an elixir.You can turn a normal dish into an elixir even using cooking ingredients like time boosts and effect ingredients.Reagents follow three tiers:Tier 1 - 0:40 (40sec)Tier 2 - 1:20 (80sec)Tier 3 - 2:40 (160sec)Important to note is the mixture of cooking and elixirs can yield very powerful dishes. Take for example Mighty Porgy + Mighty Porgy + Bladed Rhino Beetle + Bokoblin Guts + Bokoblin Guts providing a high level 8:50 attack up buff.Interestingly, monsters don't influence the duration enhancing effect of a reagent. Most monsters have a Common, Uncommon, and Rare drop. For example, a Bokoblin's drops are horns, fangs, and guts in order of common to rare. Lizalfos' are horns, talons, tails. The only case where variants (IE: Icy Liz Tail) matter are with Chuchu jellies where regular jelly is Tier 1, but colored jelly is Tier 2.This tier system means using your Lynel hooves for elixirs you'll be using is pointless since they're as good as Bokoblin fangs. For more information on which ingredients belong in which tier, check next to the green section in the spreadsheet.Conclusion - ImplicationsSo from all this information I draw these conclusions:Acorns suck, they're no better than the worst duration effect ingredient and offer no additional potency. They're alright for some early/mid game health restoration though!The game wants you to use ingredients out of scarcity, thus acorns aren't too bad if you have one razorshroom and 9 acorns.While bugs can be annoying to catch, they let you make some really long lasting potions (with reagents) for effects that are otherwise short lived.For speed and combat buffs, time boosting ingredients can be great! Toss in a mighty thistle for an attack up and stack the duration with an egg, butter, milk, and sugar and suddenly your food is giving you a few minutes of Low Attack Up with only one thistle.Hearty ingredients shouldn't be mixed with health bearing food - nor should they be mixed with effects. Cook them alone for a full HP restore and some added temporary hearts - or together to save space and reach up to +25 temporary hearts with a Big Hearty Radish dish (there appears to be a cap of 30 hearts TOTAL)Don't use those mini-boss drops on usable elixirs, sell alone or as an elixir. Use whatever parts you accumulate a lot of for your personal stash of elixirs (I like bokoblin stuff since it sells for nothing).If you want to make a "perfect dish", try to reach 45 potency points with as few ingredients as possible and fill the rest with time boosts. If you use a bladed rhino in an attack up dish you can add in some tier 3 reagents for an extra 2:40. For Stealth Up and the Resistances/Fireproof, any combination that reaches above 45 will do since they don't benefit much from time boosting ingredients unless you turn it into an elixir and add only tier 3 reagents.MOST IMPORTANTLYDon't take all this too seriously. Yeah you can game the game as you can with every other game, but the best way to enjoy Breath of the Wild is to enjoy it. Don't let some random guy on the internet tell you not to use Acorns on food! Make whatever food appeals to you because in the end, you really don't need to minmax your food. The game's difficult, but not that difficult.Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go cook a Hearty Durian with two Hyrule Basses and a couple Acorns. via /r/zelda