#completely understand why ppl get high as fuck before going

[milkweedman]

Glad i had the foresight to bring the scarf (and the next color) to the dentists so i have something to do. It is. Nearly done

[brainrot-stitch]

Chronically ill tss light steve truthers wya....

Anyways chat u won't believe what I have on the mind rn

There's an episode early steve saga where light steve traps sabre in the snow thing and builds a house or temple or whatever and Sabres like "come on man I'm already sick this is cold:(" or whatever. Do u guys remember that. Or am I actually js fucking crazy and making this shit up wait hold on let me go check rq I FOUND IT "come on man I already have a cold you're letting me stay out in the snow and all that?" At 9:38 on the video where he first finds light steve. Giggles and kicks my feet imagine if sabre got sick(er) and light steve being both a steve and a cold icy snowy guy didn't know that. That the cold is not good for ppl. So sabre gets sick and light is like ?? Idk if this is a good idea or not it's 7 am I woke up at like 2 or maybe 4 I'm not sure I mightbe delulu

ANYWAYS random yapping woooo none of this is gonna b coordinated

Anyways anyways yea rainbow steve trauma from the experimenting and machines early steve saga but also. Sabre being scared of deep water and/or drowning. Because of both blue steve and rainbow steve mann that mf has almost drowned a LOT over and over again. Just so much water. Rip 💔💔 rainbow is like "let's go swimming!!!" One day in the rainbow town and Lukas is like "yea sure it's a hot day out that would b cool" or whatever and Sabre is like "uhhhh hahsha yeaahhhh sureee.."

Uhhh uh um

Early tss light and sabre spent a good amount of time together especially alone. I like to think they bonded during this time both off and on screen. Cuz like bro rarely shows up in the rainbow town era and past that idek. But even tho light and sabre aren't as close as rainbow and sabre I still like to think they're real good pals :3

Idk if I've said this before maybe I have maybe I haven't idk but sabre when nervous or thinking or worried and anxious or whatever will pace around or take walks or whatever. But will he completely silent (unless he's muttering to himself which I can totally see happening). But like his footsteps are light and near silent because of the muscle memory or whatever from being an ASSASSIN because that's so real to me I'm such a 'sabre was an assasin in the past before tss/rq' believer u guys don't understand how derranged I am about this. Anyways yea he will accidentally fnaf jumpscare ppl just like showing up behind them or whatever its so silly

I HAVE SO MANY HEADCANONS BUT I FLIPPING FORGET THEM ALL AS SOON AS I GO TO WRITE THEM DOWN FUCK MY STUPID FRICKING LIFE 😭😭😭😭

Also I am as much of a human sabre believer as I am an avian sabre believer. Like yeah let that man be a bird but also not depending on the mood. Both r awesome

Galaxy steve does NOT know how to spell gorgeous don't ask why this is necessary information. It's real he told me himself I swear

MORE ASSASSIN SABRE BS he's a super light sleeper from having to wake up at the slightest noise and be on guard all the time. He still frequently wakes up if he hears smth his subconscious perceives as abnormal. Also i think he'd have a pretty high pain tolerance but it gets higher as tss goes on because he gets struck by lighting so damn much u can't tell me his nerves aren't at least somewhat fried 😭😭😭😭give bro a break PLEASE. Also I think posture would be a big thing like he's all played back and relaxed and silly but when they have to go like sneak somewhere they (rainbow and lucas- or js whoever he's with at the time idk) can physically see as he slips back into old familiar habits with practiced crouching and silent footsteps and staying in the shadows and all that.

Lukas was also an assasin remember. Remember guys. And his assasin skin has a scar on his face and a blind eye I think wait let me go check

YEAH. YEAH so he totally still has that during tss. Giggles and kicks my feet and twirls my hair. Anyways I haven't finishes Sabres assassins creed series yet but I think Lukas would be used to Sabres habits but he himself would have more guard habits than assasin ones. Like the posture and unconsciously reaching to rest a hand on his sword in that classic templar (is that how it's spelled??) guard fashion as like an idle thing to do w his hands before remembering its not there.

Oh also another thing on the sabre vs water didn't he like. Didn't he almost drown a few times during his assassins series too? Bro water has got it OUT for him 😭 😭

[sholmeser]

THANK YOU finally someone here has a good take regarding the "haha barok and kazuma violently hate each other" thing?? ppl insisting that their dynamic post-game is always gonna keep being the exact same as when they're at their most extreme emotional states just... baffles me, especially since they're literally shown to be civil to each other right afterwards. it's Right There! idk why so many ppl ignore this! in general their circumstances are so unique that it's a huge disservice to boil them down just to being haters.. like yeah they're gonna be huge mess after everything, but not in the way that fandom usually potrays them. if kazuma fully hated the guy i don't think he'd insist on keeping the apprenticeship the way he did in game. sorry if any of this makes no sense, i have too much bottled up rage regarding fandom nonsense. nuance and character growth are nonexistent to people here

also scrolled through your other posts a tiny bit and i feel you, it truly is hard to be in this fandom and not be an as//ry liker, especially if you're a kazuma enjoyer. difficulty level: impossible. you're not alone tho! :')

sorry for leaving this in your inbox, hope you have a nice day/night!!

ANON….THANK U…..i feel like a big problem with the dgs fandom in particular is that they dont really consider how 2-5 affects character dynamics post-canon? because all the change is right there. ive talked about this but its like portraying kazuma’s relationship with ryuunosuke as Exactly The Same post-canon when it would be DRASTICALLY different despite them still loving each other very much, because ryuunosuke now sees all of kazuma. he was only seeing a very small part of who he was before, and his entire perception of his best friend got dismantled and replaced by a completely different one in a really short period of time.

the exact same is true for kazuma and barok: they have despised each other so deeply and irrevocably for a DECADE and now suddenly they have to accept the fact that nobody really did anything wrong. kazuma tried to send barok to his death, but he was doing it out of grief and rage built up over ten years. barok convicted genshin and that led to him dying, but he was young and naïve and grieving and being manipulated by stronghart the entire time. genshin killed klint but he did so honorably. klint was a murderer but all he wanted was to make his home a better place for the people in it. its all so complicated and nobody is completely innocent or completely at fault. everyone did something wrong for good reasons and everyone did something good for the wrong reasons. it’s too nuanced of a situation for them to truly go on hating each other the way they used to, because they’re both MATURE ADULTS who can understand the intricacies of the situation.

do i think they dunk on each other post-canon? i mean. yes. obviously. do i think they HATE each other, still, to this inane degree? no. obviously. their relationship is going to be strained. there’s literally no way that it wouldn’t be. but they respect each other, they hold each other in high regard, and they’re respectful. and it sucks because these changes in dynamics are literally SHOWN at the end of 2-5 but people just like. cant. comprehend them. like i just don’t get it. also if kazuma is going to hate anyone in the cast its going to be herlock like he fucking SHIPPED HIS AMNESIAC CORPSE TO CHINA and never apologized for it i would NOT be letting that go anytime soon

[17gz]

it just ENRAGES me beyond words that i reconnected with a friend from high school (who reached out to me since i was 1 out of 2 people in our grade of 500+ kids that were visibly out as trans)

because she wanted to let me know that she came out and got on E and told me her name and how she's been doing. we'd been talking for a while.

and i knew her pre transition in high school. she was miserable. and meeting her in person, she was a different person. i saw so much happiness and life in her eyes that i'd never seen before. it was so amazing to see her as who she really is.

i told everyone in my group who was going to pride about her. they all knew beforehand that i was inviting her. i expressed how happy and proud i was of her.

and when she arrived i saw a switch flip in my roommates heads. both of them. including the afab intersex one wearing a niohuru x "big dick girl" bikini for pride. my friend fully said "i use she/her. i don't like they/them, i prefer she/her." and these roommates used they/them for her the entire night.

they were so annoyed that she took up any space at all. they were so annoyed that she was excited. one of these roommates talked so often abt how its hard being autistic. and yet that same person made the rudest and most passive aggressive looks and gestures towards my friend because she's autistic. it was disgusting and juice even yelled at this person at dinner when this person kept doing high school bully shit at my friend.

and when we were forced to confront this person bc "they didnt understand why we were mad at them" we were completely honest and said that their treatment of my friend was unacceptable and disgusting and transmisogynistic

and this person denied all their behavior and even tried to cover it up by saying "i'm just a silly little guy" i wish i was fucking making this shit up i really fucking wish i was. we were stone faced and said they were treating my friend poorly bc shes a trans woman. they said "they'd never do something like that to someone in the community. they're part of the community!" and when juice said they are not incapable of being transmisogynistic, the crocodile tears were running immediately.

and then my friend i've known for 6 years (whos dating that pos) said we were being racist to their partner. and then within 12 hours we dropped the news that we were moving out. we moved out abt 17 days after that. from an apartment i literally hunted down and did all the work to find. and had expressed ALL year that i didnt want to move out from.

cannot stress enough that this roommates partner was staying with us rent free even though i even said they could pay at least $100-$200 per month to help with household expenses since money was getting tight for us and 4 ppl in there vs 3 ppl was rough (but i didnt want to say $800 -$1000 for them bc i knew they were in a tough financial state) (but also we were not doing well either and they took and broke SO much of our shit without offering to do a damn thing about it and spending their money on dumb shit)

and they'd been living rent free at our place for 4+ months. we were coerced into letting them stay w us. and the entire time they treated us like absolute garbage. they constantly made comments about us being fat and how they thought we were ugly.

not to mention. meatball is brachiocephalic. my ex friend was literally with me at the vet appointments where the vets said do NOT have smoke or candles or anything around him.

while i was vacuuming and getting him air purifiers to put around the house and spending over 2k on vet bills, the two of them were hotboxing him in their room when they smoked. i told them a trillion times to ventilate their room and keep the door closed and let the room air out when they smoked and they never listened. we only found out they were hotboxing meatball in july.

not to mention all the racist shit and the painting my friend made where they painted me as a rapist being eaten by them. never done anything like that, i was not ok w them using my likeness and even told them that, i was the darkest skinned person im that apartment, and they felt 0 shame or regret about it. and now theres a painting of me, depicted as a cis man rapist, darker than i actually am, being killed and eaten by this person.

i cannot even begin to describe my anger and rage and disgust and hatred towards this person. i genuinely hope they die. i wish nothing but misery and suffering upon them

[timingmatters]

Im gonna say it im surprised at the amount of ppl that think Florian is a bad person for cheating on some exams like sjdjdjdjjd. Maybe my high schoolers experience was too marked by mental illness but like… that does not make him a bad person at all it is literally just standardized testing y’all💀 boy still works hard. Also, ppl completely forget his circumstances???? He was scared of failing and being forcedly taken to live with conservative religious family completely against his will. I understand why he felt cornered even if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I just feel like more and more (not just on media like shows but in general) people forget that things arent black and white. Nuance exists, and good people do bad things all the time. He didn’t intend to go #1 or to fuck up Dae. And he prob does have to come clean to help dae with the schoolarship, but it is understandable why he was scared and felt he need to cheat. I’ll take it even one step further and say i would understand if he hesitates about coming clean even after learning about dae. Me personally i would hesitate coming clean and risking being put in a dangerous situation as queer youth bc a person that isn’t my friend might lose a schoolarship tbh. Like i think ultimately i would do the right thing and come clean, and i hope florian does too bc dae doesn’t deserve this BUT I understand if there is hesitation. Something v diff about a person maybe changing schools bc they lose a scholarship vs having to risk my safety going to a religious conservative place to live and be surrounded by them 24/7 and alone. Also you could even argue dae doesn’t even need to have boarding bc it looks like his family home is at a driving distance even if it’s inconvenient 😭

I do hope Dae’s SCHOOLARSHIP is saved. But i think is crazy how many people think florian sucks and Q deserves better simply bc he was scared and did a bad thing. Like cheating on some tests isn’t the end of the world tbh. Is not like he did it for egotistical reasons either. And i 100% side eyed Q for being so hard on florian and his reasoning being “im an athlete i dont believe in that” like sir ur bf just cried to u about being scared for his safety if he doenst get high scores like….. priorities???? I understand being mad AFTER dae’s schoolarship was an issue but before?????????

[charmixpower]

Could you please write about each of the winx girls experiencing cultural shock when visiting each other's planets? Like them on Zenith or Andros, if you get what I mean😅

Here u go I hope this is what u meant!

Earth;

Stella: People not knowing about magic bothers them all but it's a extra circle of hell for Stella because she uses her magic for everything and she can't now

Flora: You know at least on Zenith the buildings are magic, they're not alive, but they have SOMETHING going on

Tecna: All the technology is so fucking old and Tecna is going to kill someone

Musa: Earth is a lot like Magix and Musa very quickly got used to Magix, and yeah ppl don't know shit about magic but people didn't have access to constant magic in her hometown either. She misses being able to make pop culture references that people can understand

Aisha: Why is there a island of garbage in the ocean??? WHY IS THERE A ISLAND OF GARBAGE IN THE OCEAN??

Tho a big thing is everyone knows that the Great Dragon is God so all these not Great Dragon religions are very confusing

Solaria;

Bloom: Its never nighttime on Solaria, Bloom's circadian cycle is completely fucked

Flora: Seeing what flora and fauna are like on a plant where there is no night is so fucking weird. Like it's so weird to her

Tecna: Why does everyone here take eye contact as a excuse to start meaningless small talk

Musa: Musa is used to royals at least being like...a little respected as political figures. On Solaria they're literally just figure head celebrities who are constantly hounded by trashy magazines, it's just really weird to someone who grew up with a royal family that actually has power

Aisha: Solaria is a desert, Aisha comes from an ocean planet, save to say Aisha is VERY OUT OF HER DEPTH

Because it's so hot on Solaria most people walk around shirtless...it's a tits out kinda planet. That and they do midday naps whenever the sun is at it's peak

Noctilucae;

Bloom: Bloom is used to places with a fuck ton of light pollution (ie Earth and Magix) and being able to look up and see all the stars because people on Noctilucae don't use bright lights is so wild to her

Flora: She thought the animals on the all sunlight all the time planet was weird, plants on the all moonlight all the time planet are so fucking weird (she misses the sun)

Tecna: Noctilucae mixes Tecnomagic and natural magic in a very solar punk esq way and it's v wild to Tecna who always assumed it was one or the other

Musa: it's quiet on Noctilucae. Musa has never delt with quiet before. Low noise pollution what the fuck

Aisha: <- Is scared of the dark

^ is on the nighttime planet

Bonus: Stella is rarely at her mother's home planet but she never gets over being able to see without sunglasses or enchanting her eyes. It's one of the places she won't complain about running around because it's so easy on her eyes

Linphea;

Bloom: WHY ARE THESE BUGS SO BIG AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Stella: yeah no, she'd like a raincheck on all this nature. Where are the roads?? Her shoes are getting dirty

Tecna: The most Tecnomagic anywhere is cell towers. Everything else is completely natural magic and it is weirding her the FUCK out

Musa: Musa grew up having to defend her self and is usually very bitey because of it but everyone here is just so chill and kind it just saps the sarcasm out of her

Aisha: Linphea buildings are extremely resistant to natural disasters so Aisha is always extremely confused by how chill everyone is when one is going to happen. (It's because they live in trees and such that they can magically reinforce while Andros water magic makes it easier to keep away the natural disasters)

Zenith;

Bloom: Bloom feels like she just walked into a sci-fi movie what the fuck is all this Tecno bullshit??? She is so fuckin confused by how high tech everything is—WHY DO ALL THE APPLIANCES TALK??

Stella: No one fucking smiles. Stella's so used to walking around and making eye contact and smiling and getting the same back but here everyone stares at her like she's insane, why does everyone hate smiling???

Flora: Not a single area of the city's Zenith is known form has natural magic. It's all tecnomagic. All the buildings are magic but not a single one is alive. Nothing is alive. It's driving her in-fucking-sane. Not to mention how everyone is so standoffish and no one smiles–

Musa: "What do you mean the doctor visit is free? What do you mean my perception is free? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HEALTH CARE IS FREE??" Zenith has the best societal health care system in the dimension and letting someone die because they can't afford to live is illogical so it's all free and it makes Musa's head spin

Aisha: Zenitan is like Finnish, you talk to the queen the same way you talk to your friends. There is no polite way to address someone. Aisha's has never been in a situation where she can always talk casually?? Zenith doesn't have time for niceties

Melody;

Bloom: This place has an honest to god functional monarchy and a aristocracy....Bloom keeps forgetting that the magical dimension still has real monarchies

Stella: So much of Melody is floating and Stella is aggressively in her fairy form all the time because it's terrifying

Flora: Melody uses their core of harmony to keep nature docile and it weirds the fuck out of Flora. Nature is murderous and powerful what the fuck do you MEAN you domesticated it???

Tecna: It's very loud. There's always some kind of music playing constantly and people talking loudly over it. Zenith has bots that give announcements that keep Zenith from being too quiet but this is just so weird

Aisha: most people are to themselves and their own group on Melody and people will be visibly weirded out if you're a stranger randomly going up to people, very different from Andros

Andros;

Bloom: It's not that bad. All land masses on Andros are islands, there are two fucking species with different forms of government just hanging out with each other, it rains FUCKIN constantly. Bloom has never been around this much water in her life and she does not like it. The Andros people are fairly chill but the relationship between sea Andros and land Andros always feels a little shaky to both sides, because if either of them goes rogue, due to their access to the ocean gates, that would start an intergalactic war. So everyone is always either a touch nervous or doesn't give a fuck. There are constant ceremonies going on to control the weather because magical tsunamis are a hell and a half but everyone is very nonplussed about the fact that their entire home could be wrecked because the ocean felt like it today. It's very "what can you do". It's what Bloom imagines earth will be life after everyone gets used to magic

Stella: OH DEAR GOD IS IT FUCKIN HUMID. Solaria is dry. Solaria is dry as balls. Noctilucae is wet, but it's foggy. The water is cool, this is hot wet and sticky and she despises it and her hair is ruined and she is going to die. There is so much fish. Stella has only seen this much fish the one time she visited her mother's planet. Stella cannot find a single non-sea food meal. The local desert planet girl is VERY confused

Flora: Depends. Land Andros is kinda....at war with nature. Mostly because nature is trying to fucking drown them and destroy all their infrastructure I with tsunamis constantly. Flora doesn't understand it, but sea Andros??? Sea Andros is her vibe. Sea Andros unde buyingrstands the voice of nature and is the oceans children. Tho watching storm chasers (magic users who use their magic to stop storms) always jars the fuck out of her

Tecna: The most popular pass times on Andros are swimming and surfboarding and stuff so it's not uncommon to see a bunch of random Androian people who just met hanging out together because they decided they wanted to play a team sport together. They're not as outwardly friendly as Solarians but quicker to become familiar pretty quickly which is extremely odd for Tecna. Strangers being kind is normal on Zenith, strangers being personable on the other hand?? No absolutely not. Zenith is very polite but not friendly and Andros's sense of comrade catches Tecna off guard all the time

Musa: Why in the flying fuck are there so many storms here??? Melody is very lucky because its magic of harmony keeps the sea calm and such but seeing what it could have been like if they didn't have nature constantly being mellowed out is so scary

Domino;

Bloom: Public uses of bigger magic is both legal and common, sometimes you'll see someone fling some magic in the air to make a firework. Magic everywhere

Stella: Domino has a lot of festivals and parties. Uh Solaria doesn't, it's hot as balls, people will party but dear god not that often

Flora: If two people consent they can legally beat the shit out of each other in a fight, Flora has never been so confused

Tecna: Everything is very loud on Domino down to the decorations and its very strange to her

Musa: Domino has a strong sense of community, like even with strangers, for just the sake of helping. Which is similar to Zenith except it's warmer and less impersonal. It's very strange to Musa

Aisha: bonfires are not a common thing on Andros, but you'll see people sitting around them everywhere at night on Domino

[chaos0pikachu]

so I’ve watched all 4 released eps of Bed Friend

things I like:

the directorial style; I noticed this in Cutie Pie but Mandee studio seems to be adopting a lot of cinema stylings from Korea and I dig that. it’s a sleek looking series, the lighting is always solid, the color grading is smooth and beautiful, nothing looks overly flat visually it’s a strong series. I also love love love there’s multiple locations being used I often see in BL only like a handful of meh locations making the entire story feel very small so I like there’s lots of location being used here

the costuming; I really like that Uea and King have very separate stylings that enhance their characters. The secondary characters are also styled nicely, nothing to notable but BL often leaves costuming on read and dusty so I’m always appreciative when I see strong thought in the costuming 

the music; I like the soundtrack that’s being used though they def overuse the love ballad a bit to much like god damn, also some of the music cues don’t flow well together but the soundtrack itself is strong

the setting; I don’t think I’ve seen a Thai BL set in an office before tbh and like it’s so refreshing I really enjoy office romances/dramas so I really dig this

the story; I actually really like Uea they’re a really interesting character I wasn’t expecting the series to be more of a character drama than a romance/BL but I don’t at all mind it. I’m hoping to see some real growth for Uea and for all the people in his life who hurt him - and jfc there are way to many - get there’s. Like can the stepdad and ex boyfriend at least go to jail?? I highly doubt the mom will but fuck can Uea and his little sister abandon her completely? I really like the show kept it realistic tho, plenty of parents don’t believe their kids and choose their partners over them. I even get how Uea ended up in a relationship with Pock b/c Pock gives off love bomber vibes and Uea would be susceptible to that sort of behavior  

things I’m meh on: 

the acting; while I really like uea as a character they’re interesting but the actor, James, is just okay imo they’re solid they’re not like the worst~~~ actor I’ve seen in a BL (y’all don’t wanna know my opinions on that lmao) but you can tell their inexperienced especially in scenes that require more emotion idk if this is James first leading role I don’t keep up with the actors like that, though I know James and Net are apparently pretty popular or well liked? Idk why and frankly idc James is likable so it’s whatever, but I def get Acting vibes when those more emotional scenes come up I also don’t like the actor that plays Jade that much, Net as King is fine the rest of the cast is fine. The mom is super over the top but idk if that’s the actress of the story itself but god damn woman my ears

the nc scenes; straight up I do not understand why this series is rated nc17 on iqiyi the sex scenes are hella tame like LitA and Kinnporsche, yeah they earned their nc17 ratings but Bed Friend?? Hell I’ll give Big Dragon it’s kudos even tho I didn’t think their nc scenes were that wild either but they earned it by showing ass. Bed Friend is a high PG13 at best and I say this with love lol I don’t mind it but it is weird it’s rated so high imo 

King; I’ma get it for this but I’m pretty meh on King currently. He’s the type of romantic lead I’m always meh on his motivations are just “in love with Uea/treating Uea right” we know nothing about him as a char except the crumb about his brother being a perfectionist and maybe that’s caused some bad blood between him and his mom. It makes the narrative dynamic between Uea and King unbalanced for me like Uea is so interesting! They’re a full fledged char and King just isn’t. I like him, Net has natural screen charisma him and James have nice chemistry, but King is just...fine. He’s fine. He’s hot and he’s nice so he’s fine. 

things I disliked;

 the twitter fandom they so cranky! they are SO cranky and for what I ask? For what? I saw ppl complaining there wasn’t enough kissing, or scenes between cut that were in the trailer(s) and like have y’all never watched a thing before in y’alls lives? Shit always gets cut from trailers this isn’t new and also some actor drama or studio drama with Mandee and I refuse!!! I refuse to even peak closer into that shit like why is twitter fandom so damn cranky all the time. I can only guess that ppl are feeling a kinda way b/c the romance is more secondary to like, Uea as an individual char and their story but w/e stop hating it’s a cute show 

Anyway, looking forward to seeing how the rest of the episodes - which was extended from 8 to 10 that’s interesting hmmm - pan out. Hoping for more King development tbh like that’s a must for me rn and for all the ppl who hurt Uea to get there’s like Glory it up Uea do it 

[mejomonster]

I've been watching The Vampire Diaries lately as a show to kinda relax to without needing full attention and:

Kinda ship Bonnie/Caroline unfortunately I doubt this show has lesbians (but buffy had willow/Tara in the 90s so I wish this 2000s drama does -.-; I'll see I guess)

Kinda enjoy Tyler and Jeremy's scenes post 1x10 which I'm surprised by cause before I'd been rooting for Tyler to die

Damon/Elena are eons more interesting to me as a dynamic in that their scenes together have less predictability and more interesting outcomes (I get why elena/Stefan is a thing, they're both book loving reading nerds who like to talk about that stuff for hours and write diaries and spend quiet nights kissing/sleeping together and chatting about stuff they fan over basically - without the vampire old issue/Katherine ex situation they'd basically be a normal couple with shared interests, but like... as tv entertainment that's just not as fun to watch as ppl who do not get along and slowly need to learn to understand/interact. It's like angel/buffy versus spike/buffy or faith/buffy I suppose. Except I do appreciate stefan/Elena actually fight over "yr a vampire damn! People are dying I need to get AWAY this is fucked" and "I look like your dead ex what rhe fuck is wrong with you/any other secrets??!!!" Because like while it's still teen romance show level "I love you" ridiculously fast and unrealistically with a yikes vampire usual age gap lol, at least Elena's and stefans reactions seem somewhat more like real people would actually do? Whereas like... idk I usually see a much less realistic reaction of "wow people are dying I need to get away from you and reevaluate my view of the world goddamn".)

Bonnie makes me feel like I'm watching Charmed

Watching vampire stuff I'm glad there's a lot of death in this cause what even is a vampire story without people getting their blood drank? Also this show reminds me I've got my own vampire story I eventually want to write ToT but mines more itwv level bloody than teen angst. That said, i appreciate the slightly outside of high school elements of the show which remind me of charmed or buffy and give the impression this show CAN grow beyond a high school setting as the plot ages out of it, like buffy did, which gives it space to possibly do some cool stuff later on (that say a show like teen wolf bound inside teen-life couldn't really move to)

Thank goodness the show has some horror scenes and fights I really Can't focus without my action scenes lol

Like buffy (tho idk How better the writing will get) I can tell that around mid season 1 the writing shifted from Teen Show Pilot usual to having a more solid idea of the angle it wanted to go in. Caroline went from a "could be any teen extra" to a character with a clear personality, Bonnie went from only magic-show-plot element to someone who's friendships and enemies in the show matters, Matt and Jeremy as plain humans get a more defined characterization driven by their internal values more than only what's happening to them externally, Elena once she finds out vampires exists her character acts much more idk Likable to me? She's an everyday girl stand in, but with the knowledge of vampires her personal bg as someone fucked up by tragedies in the family and feeling death is inescapable to her (vampires all around and looking like a dead ex katherine), her desire to not see anyone else die and personally try to help stop vampires who are hurting people in town (despite being very mundanely human) gives her a solid backbone of who she is when put in a hard position. I liked her trying to fight a vampire alone with pencils and a broken broom - she doesn't succeed as she's a completely untrained and regular strength human but it shows she's got future potential and a trajectory, her trying to stop vampires from killing, her willing to go into danger, her willing to confront anyone, etc. She's showing some interesting traits specific to her that not every character Would do. Even Stefan with as little as I'm personally clicking with him, is making lets say Relationship choices that are distinct from Edward type or Angel type or Spike type or Lestat lol, so at least he's feeling like His Own individual character in a vampire story instead of a copy of someone else. He communicates eons better than Edward, saying he'll leave before leaving for someone's safety lol, and just in general open to conversations when conflicts come up more, he's mopey sure but not to the level of emo Angel from buffy is (and not quite as creepy tho he also stalked for a year lmao) and Lexi coming into town showed he's really not Endlessly pessimistic the way Louis or Angel would be. He's got a distinction versus other leading romance vamps, and although his dynamic doesn't have the enemies/rivals to friends to lovers I enjoy in watching a romance (bellamy/Clarke, lexa/Clarke, lucifer/Chloe, spike/buffy, louis/lestat etc) I do like that he feels like his own character to me. So I'm hoping like buffy the depth of characterization gets a bit better as time goes on for everyone. And the plot expands past high school as characters age up.

Damon and Stefan remind me of Dean and Sam. Yeah I know what I said ToT if supernatural went on 150 years and they turned into demons or vampires or whatever, both fell for the same girl, who's to say what coulda happened. All IM saying now is a crossover when they'd both been airing would've been hilarious.

[omoghouls]

> Ocean is not an asshole and that’s important to me

Dying improves Ocean as a person. It is a major point in her character arc, that in death she has become a better person than she was in life but. Here’s the thing.

Ocean is continuously portrayed as self obsessed and as though she only likes the other choir members for the idea that they make her look better, bc of their perceived ‘inferiority,’ and I hate that sm, bc the way I perceived it she was never really selfish, as such- she just had a very specific idea of what she wanted to do with her life, and the means and academic (,if not emotional) intelligence to accomplish it.

(There’s a promo video in which Ocean says “look, I have a thirty year goal to be the first democratically elected prime minister of Canada” which literally makes me sob because. She never got to meet her thirty year goal-)

That, accompanied with her specific outlook on life, where she seems to base most of peoples worth off of academic achievement (shown in Karnaks joke abt her high grade point average being the reason she gets to have the final choice,) she comes across as self centred and that sort of thing.

She doesn’t really even improve that much, she just seemed to gain the emotional intelligence to comprehend and verbalise things she already sort of knew, and in death her conflicting personal morals (eg, the ‘and I am not even bragging about that bc that is against my Buddhist beliefs!’ speech) and views seem to solidify.

It’s why her having the ‘final say,’ but not being able to complete it (“you knew I wouldn’t be able to do it,” and the repeat of her “democracy rocks” catchphrase) is so important, because it’s when that reality of the choice she faces hits her.

Even if she does get closure, she has to choose between how she is perceived/the moral high ground, and the life she could have.

Given that she had her whole life planned out, having it not go that way must have been. Devastating on a scale I can’t even begin to imagine- especially bc the not going to plan, in this context, means ‘your life is on the line,’ and her having to pick between everything she’d ever known, and utter uncertainty- so again, moral high ground vs her life.

She picks moral high ground, in letting Jane/Penny return, despite how obviously it pains her to do so- which is why I hate sm when people disregard ‘every story has a lesson,’ bc sure, it’s a silly lighthearted song/scene, but it so clearly conveys so much about oceans character, in that she believes everything has to have meaning, and if she chooses to go back rather than letting Jane/Penny return, it nulls the meaning of Jane’s life, as she can’t remember it, and because her body was never claimed, nobody would remember it.

Also, if she voted for herself, Ocean would no longer be able to perceive herself as ‘a good person’ because of Ricky’s speech after SABM.

If she goes back, doing so will invalidate all the growth she goes through during the show- and adding onto song theme, every song in the musical is so important to me, because even the ‘silly ones’ have meaning- all the ones specially relating to ocean carry the central motif that everything Needs to have meaning.

Even in ‘the new birthday song,’ it’s shown again, in that Ocean sort of fabricates meaning for/humanises Jane, whereas before she’d only viewed her as ‘a freaky monster’ which made the choice that much harder, as her belief that she should be the one to go back started to become more unstable- and I see so many ppl hating every story has a lesson and the new birthday song and from like. An overall standpoint I can kind of understand it. But it makes me sad bc they’re so integral to ocean and her character arc !!

Also, all that aside, this is not a justification of some of the shit she says bc some of it is. Pretty fucked up- or at least, I disagree with the "her behaviour was understandable if you look hard and deep into her backstory and her parents and headcanon her certain ways, and therefore it was also okay,” because just bc smth is understandable and a valid reaction doesn't equal it being okay. Her behaviour is still shitty- which doesn't mean she is an Unforgivable Terrible Person. Like. the worst thing she's done is be kind of a bitch, vaguely ableist, very traumatised, and be dismissive of other people's feelings. Which like ????? She's a literal child! Depending on what part of the fandom you take your head cannons from, she is not even seventeen years old (or she’s closer to 18 but. i disagree with that timeline wise bc it doesn’t make sense in the overall plot)- but anyways. She’s a teenager!!! it’s normal to be a bit fucked up and have incorrect opinions- The point, for me is in that she learns and grows and starts seeing the humanity in others. And at the end she gives someone else a life at the cost of her own! That's a big deal! It shows she's grown and learned to see other people's humanity and treat them better, even if that doesn't get her what she wants. So. Yeah. Ocean is not an asshole. And that’s important.

- 🎢

Literally kissing you directly on the face MY GOD THIS IS SO GOOD AN AMAZING ANALYSIS OF HER ANNDJEJEIIWNWNWBSNDJDJ

And the end! Yes!! She's literally just a teenager, teenagers are growing, they've barley just left their childhood, ofc their view points are gonna be a bit skewed, they're growing!!! Even during the course of being in that limbo area, Ocean grows a lot, she gains different perspectives, something needed to grow!!!

[carnationsonschoolholidays]

Testosterone

I feel like years and years of turmoil have stalled. I've hit a weird, purgatory-esque plateau in my development. I'm really happy with my transition. I like how I look. But I don't LOVE it. I don't take lots of selfies and get really excited to put on cool outfits or feel invigorated by shit anymore. Now I just wake up and do what I have to do. And I actually regard shaving as a hassle.

That's very new. Like it used to be this excitement about how much more my hair had grown every time I shaved- anxiously hoping each time that I'd get closer to a full beard- growing it out for as long as I could tolerate- then getting rid of it. Now, I know what's gonna happen. It'll grow out real fast. But not enough to reallyyyy be a full beard. There's no mystery anymore because I know it's gonna be a long time before it's actually a thick beard. So now, I don't shave it because I don't want to irritate my skin or get ingrown hairs or whatever, which is just dull- not so exciting. But also? Not bad!!!

I'm still super happy to even be having that experience. Just not in this insane euphoric way like when everything was completely new.

I'm experiencing this funny thing where like- I wake up and look in the mirror and I regard myself with this vague boredom. Like wow- I'm just some fucking dude. And I haven't been on a date in like 3 years. But now I live with my parents and I don't have a car, so like, when is that gonna change? Probably not soon. Does it have to change? Am I dying inside? No. Would it be nice to "get back out there" so to speak? Yes.

The fact that I talk about myself like a fucking middle-aged divorcee is part of the weird boredom thing. I think I'm starting to understand why a friend of mine told me I have "divorced man" energy.

I have gray hairs dude! I know I talk about that to an obnoxious degree and almost wear it as a badge of honor. But like wow. It's actually noticeable now. Like- it wasn't before, but now it is.

And I just look in the mirror and see this guy. With a little baby beard. And gray hairs. And like- who is that? Who is that guy?

I think part of the problem is transitioning actually made me overwhelmingly socially anxious. Like in my life I was always kind of like that, but it got so much worse. Not in a debilitating way where I can't go outside. Just in a lukewarm kind of overarching sense that I could definitely smile more, engage in more conversation etc. with people. The problem is just that I'm self-conscious and afraid to open my mouth in front of people that aren't also transmasc. Which is most people. So I just kinda go quiet.

Cause I'm afraid they're gonna like- think I'm gay or something? Which is hilarious, because I am. And I think about fucking men constantly.

But actually now that I think about it it's not just "not-transmasc" people, because now I'm in Florida and I have plenty of people who would like to hang out, but I am scared to initiate it!!!

I'm just so afraid that I'll ask someone to hang out and we'll have nothing to talk about! And if I'M the one to plan it, what do I even ask them to do? What if I pick the wrong activity and it's awkward or weird and they hate it? Or what if it's just a weird thing to ask someone to do to begin with??? What do we even do here? Go to the mall? Go see a movie? Take a walk? I wanna go to the beach, but a lot of the gay ppl I know here don't like the beach. But it's also stupid to assume that, because I haven't even asked!

A lot of these people knew me in high school. What if the person I am now is like- a weird dissapointment somehow. Or maybe in high school I was like- demure and quiet, and now I've changed, and they realize they actually don't like me.

Now that I'm typing this I hear how stupid it sounds.

Anyways, I also have to schedule around when I can borrow my mom's car here! It's demoralizing! But I'm not ashamed of my choices or anything I'm just kinda. In purgatory. But I'm really happy to be home for a lot of reasons. Like all the reasons I decided to come here still stand.

I'm just lonely.

And also living in a state of permanent repression of my desires. Despite the fact that I desire deeply.

This started out like I was gonna try and write something nice and poetic but I guess I'm not. Maybe I'll try another where I get explicit and then I can explore that part, bc I think this became something else.

[trashcanfills]

Everyone likes to put Zhongli as this calculative, thoughtful and strategic character which is valid but I raise you absent-minded Zhongli.

He is someone who thinks a lot about stuff so much there are rare times he has his head in the clouds. I mean as an immortal he has a lot of time and patience to come up and formulate these thoughts, so I wont be surprised if he stares down going hmmm occasionally like he does in one of the cutscenes preparing the perfume offerings for the statue.

This is canon. You absolutely cannot tell me its not because otherwise I have no other way of justifiying his forgetfulness of bringing mora with him or THOSE DUMBASS DIALOGUES OF HIS THAT I HAD TO SIT AND EXPERIENCE LIKE ONE WHERE PAIMON BASHES HIM ABT NOT THINKING ABT MORA WHEN THEY HAVE TO PAY FOR SHIT AND HE GOES “If one must always consider Mora before acting, then in all things one is bounded by Mora”

like bitch no shit but when it comes to buying stuff uhhh u are SUPPOSED to u know COMPENSATE them proper while keeping to your limit? Oh wait u have no limit because u can make mora as a god wait except U ARENT A GOD NO MORE U JUST FUCKING RETIRED AND ARE BOUND BY MORTAL PROBLEMS AKA MONEY PROBLEMS. HOW DO U NOT REALISE THIS WHEN U THOUGHT OF RETIRING?? I understand if this is because he doesnt understand mortal affairs but like bruh u CREATED the damn currency for them to use in the first placE.

Except no because after paimon gets understandably confused by what hes fucking sayin THIS FUCKER CONTINUES ON WITH “All Mora is currency but not all currency is Mora.” Like uhhh duh no shit why the fuck are u bringing this up all of a sudden we are talking abt your money wasting issue NOT PONDERING ABT THE EXISTENCE OF MONEY ITSELF oh my fucking god. And of course paimon the poor thing is just more confusion and goes “Is this how the rich live???”

No darling trust me even the rich have fucking awareness of money and spending it. Its just that this dude is on a completely higher level aka a god he doesnt have to consider money. Oh wait but hes RETIRED. As a MORTAL. And you think a smart fucker would actually be prepared for that or ask for help with that earlier on.

I shit you not as much as I greatly admire the wealth of knowledge Zhongli has, he is also annoyingly longwinded and beating abt the bush with his dialogue at times which makes me think hes not always like…focused on the matter at hand. Head up in the clouds kinda thing. To be fair I am also like that lol but at least I try to explain my thought process to ppl prob because I learn to uhh communicate properly coughcough.

Then at some point when paimon goes quick zhongli use your high society trivia knowledge to fix this contraption!! And zhongli responds with “hmm you seem to think of me as some sort of bourgeois parasite whose only utility lies in providing quaint pieces of trivia on demand.”

Yes sir that’s exactly how you have appeared to us so far. How else am I supposed to see you.

Hence cultured Zhongli but also dumbass Zhongli. Dear god. As much as I like this character he also frustrates me at times with what he says at times cus HE AINT GETTING TO THE FUCKING POINT IN ANSWERING ME, even tho I can relate to his character a lot. Oh wait is this how my siblings felt when talking to me?? Ok I understand their pain now.

Ok thanks for listening to my rant TedTalk lmao have fun incorporating absentminded zhongli in yall headcanons or sth.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Looking for a Place to Happen 2

Warnings: non-consent sex and rape (series), age gap, general stupidity, some violence and threats

This is dark!biker!Sam Wilson x reader and explicit. 18+ only.  Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Series Synopsis: There’s lots happening in Birch and you find it all too amusing.

Sister series to Smalltown Bringdown, When the Weight Comes Down, Little Bones, and Fully Completely

Note: Here’s chapter two. Think I’ll probably slow down writing. Appreciate y’all.

Thanks to everyone for their patience and feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Chapter 2: I follow every little whiff

💀💀💀

You gave yourself a day off that week. Rather, the desolation of Birch allowed you an excuse to get away from your desk. An internet outage across the town had you up and wandering the main road just after noon. Your grandmother refused to join you so she was left to her true crime novel and the weekday droning of talk show hosts.

After a peek in the book shop where you picked out some used thrillers for your nan and a guilty splurge on one of Babs' pies to add to the surprise, you stopped by the diner and had some soup to warm up from the unrelenting cold. You played around on your phone as you blindly slurped from your spoon. With no available connection, you swapped candies to achieve a score high enough to get to the next round.

After another loss, you put your screen down and added some pepper to the tomato soup. You leaned your chin in your hand and peered across the road. The Asp was just diagonal from The Chipped Saucer and from your seat by the window you could see the comings and goings of the dingy bar.

You chuckled to yourself as you remembered the hundreds of comments on your video. You weren't entirely surprised that the internet cheered at the sight of a woman beating up a man in broad daylight, you'd seen much worse on the web. But many were curious and asked about how it started and about the small town alluded to in the caption.

You picked up your phone and flipped open the camera. You pointed it through the glass as one of the many bikers strutted out of the bar and down the street. You knew him, like most in town, he was the leader's right hand man. Steve Rogers. He had an odd gait, rigid with long strides, and you remember Kelly used to make fun of him when you walked home from school. That felt like forever ago.

You ended the video and dropped your phone again. You'd send it to Kelly when the outage was over. It would be a good laugh. Plus, you hadn't heard from her much since she moved to the city.

You finished your soup and paid. You went out into the street and cut around to the backstreets. You made your way back to your nans and found Pippin scratching at the front door. You stopped and scooped him up before you let yourself in.

"Don't like the snow, do ya?" You set him down and he whipped his tail before skittering off, "hey nan, I got you some stuff."

"You spend too much," she grumbled as you hung your coat and grabbed her treats.

"Only on you," you sang as you entered the front room, "sugarless blueberry pie, your fave, and some books about murder and all that freaky stuff you love."

"Hmm," she watched you put the pie and books down on the coffee table, "suppose the pie will go good with tea."

"Ah, and I suppose I'll be making that tea?" You returned.

"My arthritis…" she pouted but her grin came through.

"Yeah, yeah," you snickered as you went to the kitchen to put on the kettle, "we going black today or something lighter?"

"Put on some of the pekoe," she called back, "make a whole pot."

"Will do, ma'am," you trilled and basked in her annoyed mutter.

💀

When the internet came back, you sent of an email to inform the agency of the interruption and promised to meet your deadlines. Then you puttered around and added a caption to the video before you sent it off to Kelly; 'why he walk like that tho'. She sent a series of crying emojis back and told you to post it.

'Nah, it's a dumb joke.' You typed back.

'Saw ur last vid, ppl will eat it up,' she insisted.

'Well, got nothing else to put up. The account’s dying since no one cares about my writing.'

'DO IT.' Her words sealed your resolve and you uploaded the video with some dramatic music in the background.

The response was almost instantaneous. Several comments saying they were happy to see more and others being for another video. 'We all wanna see inside this fucked up town' one added and several latched on. Ignoring the questions of where this was, you gave a thin promise of future small town thug content. 

You turned back to your work email and opened up your draft for your next gig. You couldn't help but smile as you went over your work. You might have just found your niche.

💀

You knew your nan would lose it if she knew you were snooping around the club, so you didn’t tell her. You went down, made her breakfast, went back upstairs to do your work, then tiptoed out in the late afternoon to poke around town for something to upload. Birch was so dull when you lived there but to those outside, it was a novelty you were all too eager to provide.

You got more videos of the bikers; some revving their bikes, others arguing, but there was nothing overly usable. You were getting bored of it until the man himself walked out of the bar. You record the man’s glower expression as he marched down the sidewalk and turned off just down the way.

‘His name is Bucket… wtf?!’ you keyed in and snorted as you waited for it to load to your account.

Still, there was nothing special going on, like always in Birch, and your grandmother was bound to get suspicious if you kept sneaking around. You went back and hid your phone before she could bitch about it. You cooked her dinner and sat with her as your thoughts swung between work and your TikTok.

You went to bed but couldn’t sleep. You ended up watching YouTube on your phone as the windows shook with the night winds. It wasn’t until the darkness began to glow that you were roused from the cocoon of your comforter. You looked out and saw smoke coming from the main road.

You didn’t think before you pulled on your jeans and shoved your feet into your slipper, unconcerned about them soaking through as you barreled down the stairs, the sleeves of your hoodie only half on. The back door bounced behind you and you crunched down into the snow and clamored past the row of lifeless houses. 

You were out of breath as you got to the end of the path and rounded the diner to gape over at the burning garage. You got closer as the line of bikers stood in their leather with breath puffing before them in the frigid night. You stepped back into the shadow of the brick façade of the realty office and swiped your camera open.

Your hands shook and you struggled to steady the image on the screen as the mechanic woman raged in only her tee shirt. You didn���t quite understand what was going on; only that her garage was up in smoke and then men were doing nothing to smother it. She swung at the dark haired man and spat at several others; “cowards”... “fuck all of you!”

You gulped and held your breath as she was dragged away by the large redheaded henchman of the slender outsider. She fought for a moment before she was flung over his shoulder and the biker followed their leader back to The Asp. You sidled in between the building and hid until the voices faded into the wind.

Well, that would be a hell of a video. It might even go viral.

💀

Your phone did not stop. You almost felt bad as you saw the screen limn the edges of your cell as you left it face down on the little table beside the couch. Your nan sat in her rocking chair talking away on her corded phone to Linette from down the road. You suspected that every other person in town was gossiping about the same thing; the fire.

You finished your coffee and rubbed your eyes as you checked the time and ignored the pulsing notifications. It was too much to keep up with.

Your grandmother hung up and sighed, “can’t believe it. You hear?”

“Hear what?” you pretended ignorance.

“That old garage burned down. The one with the lady,” she said, “pity. When I was a girl, that place was a salon. Ma used to take us there to get our hair cut. The barber would give us wrapped candies and pretend to cut himself with his scissors.”

“Oh? It burned down?” you weren’t sure you were very convincing but you also could just say you saw it happen.

“Yep, no one really can say. You know, maybe she was welding or some rag caught, but I bet my money on those bikers,” she sneered.

“Good thing you’re poor,” you kidded, “and why the bikers?”

“Oh, well, you know Kimmy, Linette’s girl, works down at the diner and she saw that mechanic arguing with one of those strangers, the ones dealing with the club men. Well, it’s no coincidence that trouble follows those leather jackets around,” she rocked as she nodded knowingly, “oh, one of the boys I knew back in the day, he was found burnt up with his bike. They said the tank blew… well, I saw it and that tank was pristine.”

“Nan,” you gasped, “you… Jesus.”

“Well, things don’t change in Birch, we just get older,” she continued, “when you’re young, everything seems new but then you age and it’s all just the same.”

“Wow, how… inspiring,” you said dryly.

“Girlie, you gotta be careful,” she intoned, “that fire, that’s a lesson to all the women in this town. To everyone. You don’t cross the Commandos.”

“I don’t think anyone--”

“That’s another thing, there has never been a shortage of stupid people, not now not then,” she girded, “those women who get tied up in that club, their lives are already done.”

You frowned and hid your phone in your pocket as you stood. You rubbed your neck and picked up your empty mug, “I should get started.”

“Mmm,” she said as she dialed the phone again, “I wonder if Fran knows yet.” 

💀

You were being really fucking stupid but peer pressure was not a logical thing. Even through a screen, you found it hard to resist the goads. So there you were, your phone in your hand as you live-streamed your walk down to The Asp. The data costs alone would make you regret it but you were caught up in the hype of you fifteen second of internet fame.

“Alright,” you stopped across the street and gave a view of the moniker with Cleopatra sultrily looking down at you, “this is it… I just gotta play it cool…” you turned the lens towards you and smiled nervously, “hopefully that dude at the front doesn’t stop me.”

Comments flicked up the bottom of the screen so fast and smilies and hearts floated up the side around your face. You crossed the screen as you turned your phone against your coat and approached the bar door. The large biker butted out his smoke and you bared your teeth nervously. He didn’t stop you as he rolled his shoulders and coughed.

You entered to the noise of classic rock and low voices, the clink of glasses and tap of chalk on marble. You glanced around and quickly swept your phone around to give a view of the patrons. You hurried over to the bar and climbed up on a stool.

“You need a drink?” the woman behind the bar scowled. She looked worn out even with her lips painted bright pink and her eyes clouded with blue shadow.

“Uh, sure, can I… can I get one pint of everything you have on tap?” you asked as you set your phone down and shrugged out of your coat. You draped it over the next stool and reposition your phone as you flipped the cam and used the built in stand on the case to angle yourself onto the screen.

“Sure,” she narrowed her eyes and glanced past you.

You swung your feet as you waited for her to pour the five pints; some with too much foam and the others with no head at all. You took the first and held it up for the camera.

“A classic, BudLight,” you held it up to the light, “no head and…” you sipped, “flat.” You plunked it down and coughed as you grabbed the next, “this is a raddler?” you looked at the tap for confirmation, “grapefruit… smells like piss…” you had a sip, “tastes like it too.”

You chuckled to yourself and asked for a water. You made a show of swishing it around in your mouth before you moved onto the third beer.

“Had to cleanse the palate,” you joked, “now… lots of foam on this one, dark. You know, I’m pretty surprised they have Guinness here but let’s see…” you tasted it and crinkled your nose, “that’s it. Exactly like toilet water!”

You read some of the comments telling you to check the bottles for bugs and laughed. Suddenly you were yanked off the stool by the back of your shirt and your phone was swiped up by another man as the first restrained you. You struggled against his thick arm as it hooked around your neck and the leader of their crew stared at the screen of your cell.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he snarled as he hit the screen with his thumb but the stream kept going. He dropped the phone to the floor and stomped it instead.

“This is the bitch posting about us online,” the man at your back growled. It was Steve, the one with the weird walk.

“I doubt either of you know how to use a computer,” you scoffed, “hey, let me go.”

“And why would we do that when you’re snitching to the whole world, sweetheart?” Bucky kicked your phone away as he crossed his arms.

“Actually, I’m--” you grasped Steve’s arm as it threatened to get tighter, “--promoting your trash business. I was just having a tasting, if you had just asked--”

“Shut up!” Bucky stepped closer and brought your legs up and stopped him as you planted your feet against his stomach.

“Hey,” a woman’s voice came from behind the bar as the waitress shoved aside her empty tray, “hey, she’s just a kid.”

“Bullshit,” Bucky huffed, “she looks full-grown to me.”

“So what are you gonna do?” she said, “she’s young. You can’t--”

“Don’t tell me what I can’t do,” he snapped.

“She’s right,” another voice intoned and that man, Sam, came up beside them with a pool cue in hand, “she’s just goofing around.”

“She’s a rat,” Steve insisted.

“You’re being dramatic. It’s called a meme and you do walk a little strange,” he chuckled, “no one’s gonna follow her breadcrumbs back to this shithole anyway.”

Bucky considered Sam and then looked at Steve. He poked his cheek with his tongue and sucked his teeth.

“So… you vouching for her?” Bucky asked.

“She won’t cause any more trouble, promise,” Sam said, “I’ll make sure of it.”

“You better,” Bucky snapped his fingers and you were released, “get her out of here.” 

[palmett-hoes]

per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r  i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type. 

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky. 

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them. 

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

[dianapana]

SH Day 2: Fashion Statement

Modern AU, OOC

@sasuhinamonth

Bullies exist everywhere you look, in school, at work, on the street and most of all, on the internet. Countless bullies hide behind the anonymity the internet provides them in order to bring down strangers for no apparent reason. But there is always a reason, jealousy, an inferiority complex, a superiority complex, or plain and simple the bully is a pile of trash and no one should call it a human being. One of the worst things one can do when being active on social media is read the comments, because no matter how many positive comments there are, one bad comment outweighs them all. Scrolling through my Instagram I see the perfect example of this issue. Hinata is barely an acquaintance, I have not seen her since middle school almost a decade ago, she’s not active on any social media, or at least she wasn’t until today. The picture in front of me brings back all of my past thoughts of her, how pretty her face looked, how refreshing and pleasant her lower voice tone was; out of most people I was aware of at the time, she was one of the least annoying. The only thing that bothered me at times was her meek demeanour, how easy she’s fold under the pressure of bullies; and it would appear that she had not changed in that particular category.

The picture was there, I liked it, I looked through the comments, I saw all the negative ones, I saw them misgendering her due to her short hair and baggy clothes, I saw them calling her names; and then there was nothing, because the picture no longer existed. Much like in school, the bully applied pressure on her, and she caved in on herself and chose to hide.

I wish I had taken a screenshot of the picture to post myself, but that would have been an invasion of privacy. She looked older and more mature, her hair was much shorter than in middle school, almost a buzz cut. She had always worn baggy clothes, but her style developed to streetwear, all in all, the picture was, in my opinion, a work of art. But as soon as it appeared, it disappeared. I can’t explain why it bothers me this much the fact that she took it down, but it just does.

I hate all the entitled fucks that think people own them anything. Females do not own them femininity, males don’t own them masculinity and gender non-conforming people don’t own them an androgynous appearance. Gender and fashion style are different issues, they can reflect each other or not. People use clothes for various reasons, as art, as means of expression, or they use them to hide. We talked about this during one of my courses in gender studies in university and it fucked with my brain how many people, young people that are supposably ‘woke’ heard that for the first time. I was shocked how many were unaware of things that I consider common sense.

I have the urge to reach out, assure her that the shit those incompetent fucks commented is the furthest thing from fact. Maybe I also feel guilt, because I was aware she was bullied in school and never helped, my apathy always made me so sure that it had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t my issue to fix, it wasn’t my battle to fight, and this isn’t either; but I’ve also learned to understand that being quiet might not be as hurtful as actively attacking the person, but it’s damn near close enough. So, I click on her blank profile and shoot her a short message. ‘the pic looked nice. U didn’t have to delete it just cuz some ppl don’t know what style is’

It was partly to comfort her, and partly to prove to myself that I’ve become better even in the slightest. I press the lock button on my phone and the screen turns black, I put it screen down on my bed and leave the room trying to fool myself and the universe that I don’t care if she replies or not.

I return to my work desk, continuing this charade, I am actively trying to not think about it, but the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it. There is something about a 24-year-old Hinata looking the way she does, yet listening to haters, that just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m still in deep thought about the issue when my laptop dings, letting me know I received an email. I half expect it to be Hinata, but it’s work-related and my focus turns to that for the time being. Work keeps me busy for the remaining of the day, enough to push the whole issue out of my mind for real. In a blink of an eye over 9 hours have passed.

I wasn’t able to fully finish everything I wanted, due to some issues but I have to call it a day, since I worked overtime quite a lot. I go back to my bedroom and pick up my phone ready to order some delivery for the night when I see that Hinata responded.

“That was very thoughtful of you, thank you for the kind message.”

“I agree that I shouldn’t let myself be brought down, but it’s devastating in the moment.”

“I’ll try again.”

Her last message makes me click back on her profile to see that she reposted the picture with the caption saying ‘fuck you’. A sense of pride flows into my body, and I can’t fight the urge to comment as well, ‘fuck them all’. I go back to our little chat.

“Im glad u decided to post it again.”

I’m trying to formulate a compliment that doesn’t sound weird, I don’t feel like we are close enough for me to call her beautiful or pretty without it sounding like I am flirting, stunning sounds extreme, sexy and hot feel somewhat disgusting; yet all these five adjectives describe her, because she is beautiful, pretty, stunning, hot and sexy. I’m in the midst of this internal battle when I receive a reply.

“I am too. Thank you again”

I don’t feel like I deserve thanks, so I decide not to write back ‘you are welcome’, but I still want to compliment her so I click back to look at the picture, seeing whether having the picture in front of me will help. I’m lowkey annoyed when I get a notification that I have a new message from her, I am hell bound on finding a compliment and she is hell bound on stopping me. Either way, I click on the message, but upon reading it, my annoyance dies.

“I’m actually in Konoha for the first time in forever. I was thinking…if you maybe want to meet up? I’m here for a month, let me know if and when is a good time for you 😊”

Under normal circumstances, an invitation to ‘hang out’ from any former classmate be it elementary, middle or high school would annoy me further and I’d turn it down immediately. But for some reason, the idea of meeting Hinata after so many years, seeing what she is up to, interacting with her now as adults, makes me oddly enthusiastic. I reply before I can overthink the issue.

“Sure, we can meet, I’m free every Wednesday and throughout the weekend.”

Her reply is almost instant. “That’s perfect! See you Saturday” Reading her message makes me forget what day it is, so I have to look at my phone’s calendar; Saturday is the day after tomorrow, in less than 48hs I will see Hinata. My feelings are conflicted, they lay somewhere between nervousness, which is new, and giddiness, which is even newer. In order to calm myself, I do what I always do, set a goal. By Saturday I’ll have an appropriate compliment for the picture and her, it will have more impact if I say it face-to-face anyway, yes that’s the reason I want to see her, so I can feel as if I completed this little mission of mine, no other reason…

[urhighnessbitch]

hi eli! I've been feeling really weird about dom/sub stuff recently and I wondered if you could tell me if this kind of thing is normal n expected or not? so I'm a switch with a dom lean, and all the people I've been with thus far were exclusively subs. I'm also a very gentle dom, I get very distressed about the idea of hurting or really degrading my partners, but every time I've asserted that boundary and told them I don't want to do it they've tried to cajole or beg me into it anyway, or acted like I was pathetic for not wanting to. the same thing happens when I'm feeling upset or anxious, either after a session or completely outside of the dynamic - I'm high strung and I tend to feel very vulnerable and weepy when I'm sad but all my partners have insisted on continuing to treat me like a dom even then, when I just want to feel small and cared for. I'm too nervous of neglecting their needs so I usually end up just ignoring how I'm feeling and focussing fully on them so I don't have to endure any more awkwardness because it feels worse having this halfhearted judgemental "it's okay you're still a big strong dom even when you're sad" attempt at comfort, which just.. isn't true for me. is it normal and expected for subs to always treat their doms as infallible and unshakeable? because when I feel that awful I honestly just want to be treated like I'm as weak as I feel, but idk if it's pathetic for me to want that.

So disclaimer before l get into your questions: fuck them, the way they treated you was in no way alright

I'll try to make this into a couple of different parts tho because there's multiple issues - them not accepting your boundaries, them forcing a dynamic on you when you didn't want to have it, and them probably not understanding what being a switch means to you.

I'll go reverse this time and start with them possibly not understanding what being a switch means to you bc that's where a lot of problems can start, from personal experience. For some, switching means they can be either, dom or sub, but they'll only ever be one with any given person and have no interest in switching within that dynamic. They might want to have a different dynamic where they get to explore that other role. For others, being a switch means wanting to shift within a dynamic to account for their current mood. And that works great with other switches or ppl who are open to it! But not always with people who view themselves as one thing exclusively. If someone assumes you to be in category one and you're actually in the second, it's going to get frustrating because your needs aren't being met. I included this in case what they did was a honest miscommunication (although l don't really believe that from the context)

Second and in my eyes much bigger issue is them forcing you into a dynamic when you didn't want to have it. Doms have every right to not be feeling like it, doms have every right to be wanting to be taken care of, they have every right to just want to be treated as human beings. I'm sorry you didn't get to have that when you needed it and instead needed to push your feelings aside. If you should ever find yourself in a situation like that again, telling someone that the way they're trying to comfort you isn't working and letting them know what you need instead can be really good! And if they don't listen to you, it's a very easy way of seeing if someone respects your boundaries or not. The line they used to try and comfort you is kinda common and you see it on tumblr a lot because it tries to go against that picture of the always dominant superhero who never struggles, but l get why it doesn't ring true for you!

Last issue, they did not respect your boundaries, and l probably don't have to explain why that's not alright? They're your boundaries, they're good just the way they are, and if someone doesn't respect that I'd advise against playing with that person.

Now for your actual questions, is it common for subs to treat their doms like that? I wish it wasn't but I've seen it happen and experienced it enough to know that it isn't as rare as I'd hope. If it's any consolation, it's often those who aren't as experienced or knowledgeable that will try to get their dom to meet unattainable goals. I don't think we talk about red flags in subs enough, but what you described are definitely multiple. Doms are not dispensers for dominance, they're human beings with their own set of needs and things get shitty when someone views you as a dom first, person second

Still, it is very very possible to have a dynamic where you can feel seen and respected and safe and human. Even a full on sub should be able to put your dynamic aside and care for you as a human being who's struggling. Once again, I'm sorry your past experiences weren't like that. You def deserve better in the future, and you can def have that if you choose

[amwritingmeta]

15x19: A First Ending

This was a good episode! Oh, I know, I know - we didn’t get Cas back. But oh, boy, that should mean that Misha shot for five of eight days for 15x20 and that makes me want to rub my hands together with the hope of what that might mean. All the good things!

Oh, don’t hang your hopes on mine btw. I had very high hopes that we’d get Cas back, or very strongly established as coming back (as per 13x04) with a final scene of him waking up in the Empty or something like it, and that didn’t happen, but omg I’m so glad they didn’t.

When Jack started praying and reaching out to Cas my heart almost stopped. 

If Dean doesn’t instigate Cas’ return, then oh it would take away too much!

But then Jack’s moment didn’t lead to anything, and now, the more I think about it, there more it feels like a plant. A reminder of how he prayed to Cas the last time, and woke him. We shall see, eh?

And then we got Dean telling Chuck to bring Cas back, which was a pivotal plant as well. I’d been worried if they hadn’t mentioned Cas more than once, with Dean telling Jack and Sam that Cas sacrificed himself to save him, yeah? 

If there had been no more Cas for the entire episode then, narratively speaking, I would have started wondering what role Cas might actually play in 15x20.

But Cas was mentioned more than once. We even got to hear his voice and have that fake return to stir our... I almost wrote loins, but that’s not appropriate so let’s change it to stir our... martinis. 

Ah yes. We could all use a drink, I’m sure.

The dog as well! Dean was so happy and he carried the dog and petted the dog and put it in Cas’ spot in the backseat and was all, yes, emotional substitute! And then... poof. Because it’s not going to be that easy to replace Cas. *fingers crossed*

Here’s mostly why I’m hopeful for something quite different as the actual finale of the show, the proper wrapping up of these character journeys:

This first ending is for those who have followed the show explicitly to watch these two brothers. (yes there’s a word for them but let’s not)

It ends exactly how these viewers -- and quite possibly the writers who wrote it -- always saw the show ending. It gives an emotionally satisfying wrapping up of all the thematic threads of the show and gives the brothers their hard-won freedom, and keeps the brothers riding in Baby, together, indefinitely. 

And these viewers and fans will always be able to stop watching the show there and keep that as their perfect ending.

Except it’s not the ending-ending. Is it?

This episode neatly and gorgeously wrapped up the Michael/Lucifer/Chuck storyline. It wiped the slate completely clean. Especially with Michael killing Lucifer and Chuck killing Michael. These characters just completely annihilating  each other because they’ve all served their purpose.

And Chuck being drained of his powers and ending up ignored, never to be worshipped again, or even remembered, is such a fitting ending for him! And with Dean refusing to kill him, leaving him to his fate, I’d call that Dean integrating his Shadow.

No more fearing it. It’s powerless. Thanks to Jack (Dean’s inner child) who now holds all the power in the universe.

I’d say Dean Winchester has reached a point of internal balance.

And for all of these good things: Chuck powerless, Jack the New God, surely helping to fix what Cas broke by restoring Heaven (I’m assuming Heaven will be repopulated or that God’s grace will level it out) and Jack stepping into shoes that Cas once tried to fill and failed to, to the detriment to so many of his kin, is simply stunning.

I cried, properly, at Jack’s speech. It was beautiful.

But for all these good things and wrappings up of stuff, didn’t the ending feel kind of superficial? Like stuff was missing in those final five minutes or so? Like... I don’t know... Sam mentioning Eileen maybe? Because surely she was brought back along with everyone else, and one episode ago he was losing his mind over the loss of her.

And they didn’t even mention Cas. Jack mentioned Castiel as a good influence, but Cas was just bunched in with “everyone we’ve lost along the way”.

Meh.

Hey, it’s fine if all you care about is Dean and Sam and you think that they’re at their happiest when they get to drive along a road in Baby, listening to tunes and play-fighting and reminiscing about all those people that have come and gone, while they know they’ll always remain the same.

I mean, if we hadn’t gotten that montage at the end of this episode (a fucking MONTAGE ppl) I would’ve started thinking that maybe Misha was coming back to shoot flashbacks for 15x20, as we got to see the brothers remembering Cas (like with Mary), taking a walk down memory lane and driving around to well-known locales for a final hurrah.

But we got that fucking montage, ppl.

Leaving me to feel that they probably won’t also spend forty minutes rememberembering those same people. You know?

Also, dull. And Dabb is anything but dull. And Dabb loves pulling on stuff he’s hinted at in the first ep of the season. 

And I remember reacting to Sam being the one to escort the kid and her mother into the, what was it? The high school, right? For safety.

While Dean and Cas had that tense exchange by Baby, where Dean couldn’t not ask if Cas was okay and Cas saying, hopefully, that he was, but Dean remaining stone faced and distant. “Awkward” is what Belphegor called it.

Oh. Please let there be awkwardness in 15x20. I beg on bent knees. Beg, I say!

Anyway.

What is 15x20 going to be about if it isn’t about finally answering the question of what will make the brothers happy?

A balanced universe, of course! But freedom without love... sounds kind of lonely to me. 

So, have they answered the question of What do I want? yet? Is this what they want for themselves? More of the same? This season has hinted that it isn’t. It’s hinted very strongly that it isn’t.

So, I’m holding my breath that Dean’s final confrontation is to do with happiness and daring to want it for himself. Daring to admit to wanting it for himself. Daring to go after it... 

Cas does not belong in the Empty.

And hope that it’s telling how Jack didn’t even think to get Cas out of there and bring him home. God got Lucifer out of the Empty so Jack definitely has the power. 

And Dean didn’t ask him to get Cas out of there, not because he doesn’t still want Cas out, but because it would ruin the first ending for the people who want Cas to stay dead. Yeah? 

It’s kind of beautifully done, to my mind, as a nod and a thank you to the people who have supported one reading of the show. It’ll be difficult for them to go apeshit when Dabb and the writers can simply tell them they don’t have to watch further than 15x19 and be content that they’ve got an ending that lets them cling to the brothers as the begin all, end all.

And yes, I remain believing we will get Dean and Cas together-together before the end of the show. I have no clue how much of a together-together we’ll get, but for the show not to give us a clear understanding of how Dean loves Cas back is unthinkable at this point, and will stay unthinkable until the show tells me otherwise, because nothing but those two together makes even a lick of sense to me.

Dean’s feelings were in the subtext this episode because that’s where they always have been and hopefully fingers crossed because this ending wasn’t for us, it was for other sides of fandom, giving them room for denial, if they simply don’t want to see that what Dean wants is Cas back.

Our ending isn’t happening until next week.

Dean: It’s a helluva time to bail. There’s a lot of people counting on you. People with questions—they’re gonna need answers. Jack: The answers will be in each of them. Maybe not today, but someday.

For me this may be setting up for 15x20.

Dean could be said to be accepting the reality of Cas being gone this episode. He starts off not telling the whole truth about what happened with Cas (of course), he’s drinking himself stupid, he tries to demand of Chuck to bring Cas back, he finds that emotional crutch in the doggo and he moves into acceptance because what else can he do?

Especially if he’s still reeling and is struggling with his fear of happiness, with not feeling deserving, with it being easier to simply let it all go.

But.

Letting go of the need is healthy, allowing it to make way for the real want that is about choosing Cas, not because he feels lost without him, but because Cas completes him...

That would be something. 

(oh shush let’s get with the romance) (Jerry always brings it)

The brothers love each other, but throughout this narrative there’s been hints that they both long for more. So much more. It would be so weird if it didn’t all wrap up with more being wanted and chosen and offered and had.

So if the answers are to be “in each of them -- someday”, then maybe Dean just needs to reach a moment where he’s ready to admit to himself that he can’t stand the fact that Cas died not knowing that Dean loves him back.

I wonder if Sam will push for this admittance... I’d like to witness that conversation, that’s for sure.

And Eileen. I hope she’s back sooner rather than later next episode!!

What’s next episode going to be about if it’s not about the breaking of old patterns to make way for new ones...? Are we going to follow the boys around as they do laundry and cook and make a few tentative plans for their unknown future? They won’t be hunting much in 15x20, at least if Dabb is anything to go by. I guess there might be something brief as a final The Boys With Their Weapons Doing Their Thing, but... it won’t be a case episode. And it would’ve been strange if it was, you know?

So then. Hope. One more week breathing eating sleeping on hopes and wishes and we shall simply have to wait and see what we get.

I have every faith it will blow us away, but I’m also sitting pretty. Reining in those horses lest they run away with me. And whatever comes our way, I’m so grateful for this show!