#and they had every right to. im an insane bitch. i wouldnt want to put up with me either

[theuniverseawakens347]

Trying to make it seem like Howard was responsible for gilbreana death .. I literally get off on her picture being hung up in the house and sent pornography to the White House off his computer from the robbery may 21 to not be caught for UR WHOLE WILLING PART IN HER MURDER.

And ur switched ur computer w Howard’s computer ..

Then wiped his and took it for ur own .. WHILE U WENT TO THE CABIN THATS WILD LEE

Meh came back to HIS LAPTOP MISSING OFF HIS DESK … but REALLY ITS UR LAPTOP THE FUCKING APPLE ID DOESNT EVEN MATCH HIS RECEIPT FOR THE COMPUTER YAL BOUGHT ME ..AND MINE WASNT WVEN IN THE HOUSE AT THE TIME I WAS AT AVA AND MINE GOT NIGGAS IS GODS ( incriminating) WEED STICKERS ALL OVER IT LEE

And I replaced my COVER ABD ATILL GOT WEED STICKERS ON MINE ..

U GIYS GOT THE SMOOTH GREY ONES BUT LIKE AGAIN .. APPLE ID LEE .. u really don’t know how to work a computer or

U paid Alissa AND FRIENDS OF IAN TO LITERALLY “HACK IT” WILLINGLY GAVE PASSWORD AND SEND NUDES FROM HOWARDS EMAIL ..

HE SIGNED IN ONCE AND LEFT IT OPEN ..

BITXH U SENT THE NUDES UR SELF THEN HAD MOFO STEAL THE COMPUTER TO “HIDE THE EVIDENCE “ and then tell Ian to take Howard’s safe of guns and go committ a murder which h4_eazy “did” and GOT CAUGHT W REGISTERED GUNS N HOWARDS NAME N CHRIS TRIED TO SAY HOWARD KILLED ALEXIS … CAUSE THAT CASE WAS BEING REOPENED

All this was being reopened ON MY FAMILY CAUSE IT LITERALLY GOES RIGHT BACK TO U ALISSA SAYING SHE DIDNT KNOW ..BITCH I SEEN LEXI FACE WE LOOK LIKE TWINS YEAH IT WAS BEFORE WE MET AND CHRIS U BEEN FUCKIN KNEW MY NIGGA WE WENT TO 54 th together no wonder Myron played stupid when Lauryn Reese brought me around

ALL. YALL NIGGAS BEEN AFTER ME N MY FAMILY ON BEHALF OF LEE ARLVICTORIALONGTON FAMILY SINCE THE BEGINNING TIME LEE ANTI MASONS VS MANSON ( MY FAMILY IN THE-SKY )

GIRL BYE LIKE BE SO FUCKING FR. EVERY FRIEND IVE HAD AROUND ME KNEW U ONE WAY OR ANOTHER AND WAS PAID OFF OR THREATEN TO HIDE MY TRUTH U BEEEEEN ALWAYS KNEW WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP W ME OR ELSE U WEIRDO BITCHES WOULDNT HAVE WORKED SO HARD. NO MATTER HOW I SAY IT YAL BIGGAS KNOW IT ALWAYS TURNS ME U OBVIOUS THE FUCK LY KNOWING IM GOD AND UR SATAN AS FUCK.

Chris UR A DICK HEAD WILLINGLY KILLING ALEXIS AND PASSING CHILD PORN TO PUT ON HOWARD NUGENT CAUSE LEE SAID YAL WOULD GET OUT DUE TO LEGAL BACKING .. what bitch, KILLING ME!?

HOW U GON KILL ME WHEN U KNOW IM ETERNAL AND U SHOWED ME LAW ABIDING CITIZEN MY TRUTH.

But you REAL LIFE DIDNT WANT DIE ALONE. SO UR HOLDING HOWARD HOSTAGE WHO UNALSO KNW IS ONE OF MINE .. AND THEN ROOED THE KIDS INTO IT INCASE HE LEAVES U

He real life like bomb protection squad rn and I’m real life hostage til I SAID ALL THIS CAUSE U TOOK BITCH MADE TO SPEAK UP DAWG HOE. THATS SAD. ALL THAT CRIME BUT U CANT PUT YO FUCKING CHEST OUT AND TAKE THE TIME .. THEN WHY FUCKING DO IT ..

Trying to claim insanity card THATS WHY U HAD THE KIDS DO ALL THIS CAUSE UR REAL LIFE EMBARRASSED THAT THUS IS LEGIT U AS A PERSON NATURALLY AS I STARED ON THE BLOG AND AT 11 when I said I hated u for some fucking reason .. BITCH I MEAN 🤯 WHAT LEE U COULDNT SAY “CASH UR GAWD IM THE DEVIL”

UR AFRAID OF DEATH BUT URSELF IN A FEDERAL FUCKING CASE AND ROPED IDIOT KIDS INTO SO U COULD FEEL SMARTER THAN SOMEONE .. Therese turned .. FAMILY PAID OFF BY HOWARD TO MAKE RIGHT TURN THEMSELVES IN ADMIT TO ME AND THEN I PAY THEM OFF TO NOT DONIT .. NATIONAL TERRORIST DID THE SAME TO FRIENDS BUT U WANA OPEN AN HARASSMENT CASE ON ME .. MY NIGGA U CANT BE FOR REAL ..HAVE U BEEN MEDICATED THIS WHOLE TIKE FOR A MENTAL ILLNESS AND AINT TELL NO ONE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN STOP TAKING MEDS CAUSE I SAID WHATEVER U GAVE ME AT THE PSYCHWARD GOES RIGHT BACK TO U???

Girl .. BUT IM MENTALLY UNstaBLE?

EVEN WHEN KNOWING THE SHIT WAS AWFUL FOR ME I STILL TOOK IT ALL OF IT WVEN AT ST FRANCIS.

My nigga take it to the chin WTF U DO THIS FOR.

U put me in psych wards cause that was a projection of ur own truth like trying to sell a fucking pound of OH SO CLEARLY SHIT WEED.

My nigga I really been living 21 YEARS W A PSYCHO WHO PUT ME IN HER CARE AFTER EVERY FUCKING THING IVE GONE THRU BEFORE THE “adoption”

LIKE THIS REAL LIFE CANT BE FUCKING FOR REAL .. YAL SAID “oh I go on psych meds ( AT DUMB ASS FUCK NICKI) and we’ll give cashay to you” AFTER SHE MURDERED MY LITTLE SIATWR COUSIN GILBREANA

And then before my 16th and Lexi 15th she planned to have Tyler Ian Alissa WILLING SICK BITCH and CHRIS WILLING BUT GON LIE INWAS IN A ROUGH PLACE W ALEX MADE ME DO IT TRYING TO PROVE MYSELF U STILL HAD A CHOICE. U CHOSE STREET LIFE MY NIGGA TF U JOIN THE GANG IF U CANT HANG PUNK BITCH ..like DAQUAN TRYSHA WILLING FOR SOME ALIEN BLOOD OR MY FUCKING MONEY.. THAT BITCH PUT A BOUNTTY ON MY HEAD. NICKI AND U WILLINGLY TURNED ME OVER TO HER

Askari TELEPATHIC BITCH U BEEN LYING TO HIM FOR A MINUTE THAT NIGGA BEEEEEEN STEPPING IN BEHIND THE SCENES ON THE BACK END .. UR WORK FALLING THRU CAUSE THAT NIGGA LOOOKING OUT FOR ME HOWARD TOO

..

But you REALLY LET IT get to some crazy ass level of extortion Lee .. KILL ME N U WIN THE GAME OF LIFE AND GET ETERNITY INTO THE NEXT LEVEL ..yal niggas that stupid??? THATS WILD

So basically 1. U KNEW

2. I TRIED TO ASSASSINATE GOD ..I thought you satanic fucks READ THE BIBLE??

DONT U KNOW SATAN “TAKING OVER” WAS A TRICK TO PROVE U ARE LITTERALY FUCKING VILE DIGUSTING BEINGS.

I really think u gon out rank THE CREATOR OF ALL OF SPACE.

I’m 4 quadrillion years old and literal fucking projecting of the universe IN HUMAN FORM.

A Simulation. I DIE WE ALL DIE. AGAIN WORLD WIDE GENOCIDE LEE.

Start the “game of life” ALL OVER .. I CHOOSE WHEN WE COME BACK AND GUESS WHAT 5 major resets U THOUGHT I WAS DUMB ENOUGH EVEN MEDICATED AS FUCK THE WAY U DID ME I WAS JUST GOING TO HAVE IT BE LIKE ALL THE ORHER TIKES??

U KNOW HOW LONG U ALONE BEEN DOING THIS DUMB SHIT IN A DIFFERENT BODY SUIT CHARLES LITERALLY FUCKING MANSON.

Nicki .. Marlyn Manson. Like wtf yal.

WHY WOULD I REPEAT THE SAME THING AND EXPECT A NEW OUTCOME..UR INSANE NOT ME ALSO GOD OVERSEES ALL BEFORE IT HAPPENS ONLY ME AND RIGHTFUL FAMILY CAN SEE THE FUTURE ..but it’s like at what point do YOU STOP AND MAKE BETTER FUCKING CHOICES.

Yal CLEARLY ARE REAL LIFE ILL INTENT PEOPLE. MALCOM INCLUDED. TRYING TO PUT IT ON ASKARI. .. nigga no.

Generational curses in a weird fucking way.

THIS IS WILD LEE AND NICKI RING LEADERS TO THE ANTI MASONS KILLING AND LIVING OFF MY FAMILY.

HOWARD AND ASKARI THE OTHER SIDE FIGHTING PROTECTING AND LOOKING OUT.

Lee u BEEEN GOT NEWS OF THIS BEING FEDERAL AND AINT TOLD NO ONE. HOWARD AND ASKARI WENT BEHIND UR BACK AND MADE RIFHT TO THISE INNOCENT AND ROPED INTO UR MIS GUIDEDNESS LIKE THERESE W RIVER / Patrick ( sorry) and JEAN w Bonnie/ forest .. U MANAGE TO TRY N PUT THAT ON ME CAUSE U STRUGFLE W GENDER AND EQUALITY AND U HATE GAYS U HATE ANYTHING THAT ISNT WHITE OR SLAVERY.

Literally what I put on the blog about in 2020 was VERY REAL AND MY BRAIN REAWAKENING OUT SHADOW MODE AND I TOLD U IN A 10 PAGE LETTER I FOUND MY FOREVER PERSON TRISTAN ❤️❤️ and U DECIDED NAW KILL THE WHOLE WORLD.

I made myself, bae and A WHOLE LOT MORE OF ME .. like be so fucking fr.. u clearly DONT believe in God and NEVER read the Bible to think U COULD KILL ME AND GET AWAY WITH IT LIKE NO ONE WAS GUNA SERVE JUSTICE??

🤯🤯🤯

Clearly I’m still under medicine cause .. the punkd kids gotta come out w cameras this really can’t be what u thought

AND U IDIOT CHILDREN CHRIS FELL FOR IT DEEPLY. HAD U KNOW IT WAS MY FAMILY U WOULDNT HAVE .. NIGGA WE WENT TO ELEMENTARY TOGETHER U SEEN MY FACE I GOT A VERY PROMINATE NAME U USE IT EVERYDAY FUCKING CASH BITCH.

This can’t be real life rn .. THIS FR YALL? THATS wild A NIGGA IS REAL LIFE CRAZY .. going to the psychward in 23 and Howard being there u was talking to him that u real life need help.. I seen inside I’m not admitting thru me that “I’m sick” being u.. I will say I AM SICK N TIRED OF UR FUCKING INSANITY .. U DO NEED HELL IF THIS IS FR .. but like u speak to me n projection about ur life .. that’s not working for me Lee .. I see inside u ur guilty and need help but lady u did the 5,8, and 9th step … 38 years right? FUCKING SHOW IT.

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 And we are at 5x03 and he is excited to see Britin move in together….yeah… ‘i don’t understand in what world Brian would suck at filling up a club? Maybe the first day, sure BUT DAYS? Plural? Come on, they are making my baby boy look bad’ The groan that he let out when Mel and Linds came on screen is actually hilarious ngl. He was just dead silent and every time either of them would speak, he would just groan loudly. ‘Hold the fuck up, she’s now venting to Brian? What is he? The local therapist? Wow her hair is horrible. Nevermind, I guess he’s the local charity organization.’ And we are now at Justin/Ben/Mikey painting the house scene ‘Justin needs to paint a painting for Brian’s office. Why hasn’t he yet? (Ben mentions Britin getting a house) I highly doubt that will ever happen. I like the loft. Why is Justin so doubtful about it? See! Even Blondie knows the loft is better (ben says he needs to carry mikey in and justin says he wouldnt know what married people do) me and Justin are both gonna puke right now.’ ‘Why is Mike such a bitch? Also where the fuck is Hunter? Did he forget he has another kid? I will give my kidney up to get Brian and Justin back and not see this anymore’ Brian pops up on screen literally a second later ‘I’LL TAKE IT! They want to tear down the club for a gallery? WAIT *pauses ep* imagine a world where Brian is struggling with starting up his club like this and that someone who wants to tear it down for a gallery is Justin. Oh the hatred they’d have for each other, theyd fuck it out and be angry that theyre fucking, I should write scripts for movies. OH he said galleria not gallery. Never mind then but my idea still sounds dope. Brian looks so fucking pretty.’ The scene where Em is introduced as the Queer Guy is up *looks at his cast* ‘well this is feeling like an attack now. Why is everyone so rude to Emmett? Fuck them.’ ‘DEB IS LEAVING THE DINER?! Why? She’s retiring FOR A MAN? We aren’t worth all that. Why is blondie making me feel like he regrets being back in Pittsburgh?’ And we are finally getting some Britin and he got all happy finally ‘MY BOYS! FINALLY! (Brian hugs Justin from behind) AHHHHHHHHH LOOK AT HIM ALL AFFECTIONATE AND SHIT! Wait he dropped out again? Of course Bri Bri wants him to go back to school. Man, where was this 20 years ago? I feel like I would’ve actually graduated if I saw this and had 5 years of Brian telling me to go to school. *looks at me* dont tell dad. Of course Brian is offering him a job! Thatd be cute. Why am i having feelings over Justin putting away Brian’s suit? (The sunshine how did i scene is up!!!!) OH MY FUCKING GOD *pauses tv and slides down from the couch on the floor so he’s now sitting on the floor* no he fucking didn’t! I’m glad all three of us are aware of that!’ ‘Not Ted and Justin being Blondie Besties. Okay, Queer Guy let’s go Emy! Oh god this is bad. *covers up his face* this is so bad. What did they do to my Emmett? IS THAT ROSIE FUCKING O’DONNELL?! That was so bad. And youre telling me justin didn’t have a single joke?’ Rosie (i forgot her name) tells Deb that her husband caught her kissing her friend while making cinnamon buns ‘i can see how that makes a person wanna kiss a friend.. it’s homies supporting homies *forgets about the cast and tries to make a fist realizes it, so he makes a fist with his left arm* Ally…that was weak. I’m so sorry Rosie O’Donnell, you deserve better. I’m ashamed of this’ ‘oh Lindsay. She’s just as dumb as Michael. And that hair is still horrible’ ‘THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! I told you Brian would make Babylon insane but you thought I was dumb! The place is PACKED! Look at Blondie standing next to his man at his club. Supportive boyfriends. Wait the club is empty?! HE PAYED THEM? That’s actually smart. Did Blondie come up with this? I love this so much.‘ ‘YOU GO ROSIE O’DONNELL! Im confused why she’s here but you go girl!’ ‘THEY THINK EMMETT IS NOT QUEER ENOUGH?’ the scene cuts to the custody bullshit ‘did Mel forget that she also cheated? All three of them are so fucking stupid. OH LINDSAY IS A BITCH.’

Hold the fuck up, she’s now venting to Brian? What is he? The local therapist? Wow her hair is horrible. Nevermind, I guess he’s the local charity organization. YEAH he's the local therapist, charity organization, fundraiser, etc etc.

I HATE MIKEY AND BEN in this season with a passion. Ugh. And then they go roping Justin into their nonsense.

Yeah Emmy being the Queer Guy is going to make a lot of uncomfortable commentary about that show given your brother is a fan. Remind him that the original version of the show was not what it is today (I definitely watched it back then too, I won't lie)

Also can we have your brother write a fic where Justin wants to open a gallery in place of Babylon and it's an enemies-to-lovers fic? OMG Justin got sent to conversion therapy, comes back this uptight version of himself, wants to take down the big bad gay club and meets Brian and...

LBR your brother, at this point, would do anything BriBri asked him. ;) including go back to college.

The how did I scene is everything. These are the moments we need to survive this awful season.

And the Rosie O'Donnell plot line. I don't even know...

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[cassyapper]

OKAY IVE ACTUALLY PLAYED TWO SESSIONS SINCE MY LAST POST SO IM GONNA COMBINE THEM HERE SORRY FOR THE LENGTH BUT,,IVE COME SO FAR I DONT WANNA STOP NOW

this is gonna be very messy cause i WILL be jumping back and forth as things come back to mind so uhh pls enjoy this absolute ramble <3

anyway. i continued playing omori and boy do i have some Thoughts

so first session; i went through the pyre(something i forgot the full name sob) forest/sprout mole village/sweetheart’s castle in one go and let me TELL YOU. DOING THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE I WENT NUTS holy shit.

so anyway.

pyre forest!!!! the lil race against the big spider coming after u for disturbing the smaller spiders mechanic was very fun i had a lot of fun figuring out the best routes to take. i know normally mechanics like that lead to ppl getting frustrated cause u have to keep retrying but i had a lot of fun!!!! sum annoyance but good natured type, th kind that just makes u try harder u know? i just enjoyed it JKFN;FN; candles in the foggy forest....now That is an aesthetic

the rare bear scared the fuckin shit out of me i remember it didn’t attack me straight away so i was like “aw (:” but then when i press x on him it takes me to a BATTLE SCREEN AND SUDDEN THAT MF IS TERRIFYING I WAS LIKE WHWHWHWHWKJDNJ. very funny i honestly wished i recorded my reaction

also omori is afraid of drowning...................................i am breathing heavily. i think whatever happened to mari is related to at least one of the things omori is scared of. so either heights, spiders, or drowning it seems. spiders doesnt seem super likely as a contributor to her death, and while falling from a height is more realistic, such a senseless way of dying doesnt seem to rlly fit ? with the vibe i get from the kiddos in the real world. which makes me think maybe drowning/otherwise suffocating is how she died...but we’ll see. also due to the forgotten library part, we know omori explicitly feared spiders/drowning before mari died so it’s also probable im jus talking out my ass here but still,,,,thoughts

also this motherfucker?

literally fucking terrifying. IT’S BODY IS MADE OF SUCC’D SPROUT MOLES...i still have no idea what exactly it was doing to them but jesus h christ!!!! evil and fucked up. do not feel bad for curbstomping it

sprout mole village!!!! very cute, im v excited to send that one dude his brother’s care package. i like how, when theyre not lost, sprout moles can be real endearing lil guys,,,theyre not my fav lil enemies but (:

also for some reason omori is the first game ive played where i really care about getting achievements ? so i literally did the back and forth on my save file just to get all the season sprout mole achievements JKDJFJ;. i ended up sticking w spring tho before moving on for real cause spring is my fav season irl (:

also i felt SO BAD for cutting down that one sprout mole’s chistmas tree he was just trying to celebrate but i wanted to see that present and coincidentally becoming a christmas ruiner was an achievement so all’s fair in love and war i suppose

ALSO. th fuckin plant monster thing under the scientist sprout mole’s room. major little shop of horror vibes from the design, absolutely adored it!!!!! originally i did  just cut the wire holding the piano over it, ending it in one go, but i was very curious abt it so i reloaded a save file to actually fight it and

i know it only spread that gas to make the kiddos happy cause being happy reduces attack i think ? it decreases attack/defense but seeing the kiddos smile so much was nice (:

however

omori...sunny....son boy.........u good ?

and now. sweetheart

the way the sprout moles completely adore and depend on sweetheart gives me such awful evil vibes and combined with such a luxurious background was fucking incredible

sweetheart herself, speaking of. bitch (sorta affectionately, certainly not derogatory)

i talked to every sprout mole in the audience before taking my seat and i literally dont know why. even when i picked up the pattern of where the unique dialogue could be found (usually the sprout moles farthest right) i still talked to all of them......just in case ? i have no idea. i dont know why i did that. i feel it’s important that i note it tho

LMAO SO WHEN SPROUT MOLE MIKE DID THE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR YE OLD SPROUT MOLE

I LITERALLY FELT SO FUCKING BAD LMAO I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD NO!!!!!! I DID THAT!!! I KILLED HIM!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WONDER HOW AWKWARD OMORI KEL HERO AND AUBREY FELT IN THE AUDIENCE HOLY SHIT THEY HAD FRONT ROW SEATS TO SPROUT MOLE MIKE’S MOURNING!!! MY GOD FJKFN;;

also sprout mole mike describing 3′7″ inches as ”towering” was the FUNNIEST shit i have ever seen. also i have to wonder, since sweetheart made up the whole show of sweetheart’s quest for hearts in the first place, if she was seriously down to marry a sprout mole if one suited her fancy. jus v funny to me honestly. SPEAKING of sweetheart’s dating patterns I NOTICED THOSE FEM SKELETONS IN THE DUNGEON!!!!! BI SWEETHEART!!!! SHE’S JUST AS DOWN FOR GIRLS AS SHE IS BOYS

i know TECHNICALLY not everyone is in the dungeon for failing to be a good enough suitor but STILL...COME ON. THIS WAS BEFORE WE KNEW THAT. SWEETHEART BI I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

anyway

when the lights when out and lightning struck the third contestant, i knew Immediately something was gonna go down. and when the mustache sprout mole was like “oh yes!! u!! in the striped pjs!! u absolute beast ur perfect!!!” i KNEW hero had just been selected as the replacement i was goign completely fucking nuts i was like OH MY GODNFNG; HIS HEART IS ALREADY TAKEN BY MARI!!!!!!! STOP

i ended up taking so many screenshots during this part cause i was going feral so here take a glance just cause i love, uh, hero

OUR HERO IN SHINING ARMOR DJLBH;KFJB

also GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IM SHORTER THAN HERO

hero shaking on the stage when he was introduced...oh my HEART....IM SO FOND FOR THIS BOY WTF!!!!! DKJDN;N

this is not really NEWS to me since it’s implied hero is tall but like come ON..... sorry just every time i find out a character is explicitly taller than me i need to huff about it, moving on,

HERO FUCKS

sorry i just have so many screenshorts during this aprt cause i was going fucking crazy but

literally terrifying! sweetheart bathes in that shit!! christ!

is blood good for ur skin? i imagine, so long as like...gore isnt in it and it’s solely blood it cant be BAD necessarily......but good ? regardless very fucked up. besides the fact that well, uh, BLOOD, blood is also sticky as hell. ur telling me sweetheart willinglhy bathed in that shit? disgusting. at least thin it out

anyway I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THE PUZZLES AT SWEETHEART’S CASTLE....FROM THE DUNGEONS TO THE KITCHENS TO THE BALLROOM TO THE LIBRARY TO THE GARDENS JUST EVERYTHING!!!! IT WAS SO FUN I ENJOYED FIGURING IT OUT SO MUCH IT WAS LITERALLY DELIGHTFUL...I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH THE GAMEPLAY IS SO FUCKING EPIC I LITERALLY HAVE SO MUJCH FUN.......OH MY GOD I JUST. INCREIDBLE!!!! FUCK

also the lil sir maximus bit.........i honestly felt really awful over having to kill them ): i think i even tried running once but it wouldnt let me...it hurt man ): they were just a family....

um but anyway,

i think it was rlly sweet how aubrey protested to the wedding cause she was worried abt sweetheart,,,like i cant rlly explain it idk how to put it into words,,like sweetheart is clearly not mentally well and having an episode, and aubrey being the only one to say “hey what ur doing is self-destructive and isolating” just mmmh. she cares a lot,,,and *i* care aubrey

also sweetheart’s battle theme fucking SLAPPED...SO GODDAMN HARD IM STILL QUAKING OVER IT....FUCKING BANGER YO!!!!!! INCREDIBLE

ah but alas

BASIL........I NOTICED THAT IT WAS HIS GHOST/SHADOW DURING THE EXIT FROM OTHERWORLD AS WELL BUT JUST FUCK

im so worried about basil ):

and it being so obvious that none of the others can see...........them asking omori if he’s okay.....oh my god. i go nuts

and then...the forgotten library part

i literally cried, again, oh my fucking god

these kids loved each other so much they ADORED the time they spent with each other and im QUAKING to know WHAT HAPPENED TO MARI......HOW DID THE FALLOUT GO. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

i know there are multiple endings to this game and on god i am not QUITTING until i get the happiest ending there is for these kids im literally a goddamn fuckign mess oh my god

MARI SHWOING UP IN THE LIBRARY AT ONE POINT AND LEADING OMORI...........IM LTIERALLY GOIGN INSANE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH HE’S SO CLEARLY LOST WITHOUT HER I CANT FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

GOD

okay sorry i just. ive said ti before but the grief in this game is so real and palpable and it aches, it aches so bad. also the white egret orchids in the library...i see u

but regardless.... session two real world electric boogaloo

LOVE that kel is like “so i need to run errands but u wanna come with me right? of course u do!” like fuck i rlly do. kel is just so delightful i would literally do anything to spend time with him

ALSO i noticed u can just refuse to open the door both times kel’s knocked now and it makes me wonder....if u could choose to ignore kel ? and then venture out urself or just ? i wonder what would even happen if u chose to not open the door. im CERTAINLY not doing it myself at the very least not this playthrough but i am curious...i bet that’s how u get a bad ending, by not talking w kel

but anyway....

aubrey and her gang not saying anything in the pizza parlor........i jus think abt that is all

ALSO!! pet rocks!!!!!!!!! LOVE this lil thing it’s so cute. jus rock paper scissors it babey

speaking of lil bits, love all the mini quests in the real world...it’s just rlly fun and builds up this cute lil town........it also makes me think that whatever happened to mari cant have been anything except an accident, bc no one comments on what a tragedy it was to omori. like if it was murder, there’s no way such a horrific situation wouldnt engulf the town for a bit and sweep over it for weeks at least, but that just doesnt seem to have happened. this is def me reading too into it tho;; point is neighbors nice (: also i got the seashell necklace and i go apeshit

ALSO......THE FUCKING...........CHURCH. I VISITED WITH KEL ON A COMPLETE WHIM CAUSE I WAS CURIOUS IF THE PASTOR WOULD TALK MORE ABT AUBREY BUT NO. INSTEAD HE TALKS ABT THE WEIRD VIBE FORM THE GRAVEYARD HE’S GETTING!!! AND THE DUDE WHO CHILLS IN THE GRAVEYARD SAYS SHIT ABT THE SPIRITS GETTING READY FOR SOMEONE TO JOIN THEM!!!! BITCH WAHT THE FUCK

THERE’S NOF UCKING WAY THIS ISNT ABOUT BASIL. THERE IS NO!!! WAY!!!! I SWEAR ON GOD IF BASIL DIES I WILL LOSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESP CAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY HE COULD DIE EXCEPT SUICIDE THAT’S WHAT IT HAS BEEN IMPLYING OVER AND OVER I GO NUTS I GO APESHIT NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

OKAY SORRY I JUST. HHHHHHHHHHH

baby has acquired baby

kel’s family is rlly cute,,,,v heartwarming. i trust them

i do worry abt like...the stark difference between recognizing kel’s accomplishments and hero’s...i just idk. i just keep thinking abt that bit in kel’s story abt hero’s depression when his parents focused on hero and ignored him, and i just. kel’s family is good People but i worry if kel has a good support system...i jus........): i am watching

ahh THE BASIL MISSING PART MADE MY HEART LITERALLY FUCKING DROP..I WAS SO FUCKING PANICKED I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD THIS IS IT BASIL IS DEAD

THANKFULLY HE WASNT BUT HOLY GOD HOW THAT WHOLE SITUATION PANNED OUT MADE ME GO NUTS!!!!!!! BASIL...AUBREY...HER GANG.......FUCK OH M YOGD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

THANK G O D I SNOOPED AROUND KEL’S HOUSE BEFORE LEAVING I WOULD HAVE H A T E D TO FIGHT THEM ALL AT ONCE IM GLAD I WAS ABLE TO JUST PEPPER SPRAY THEM JESUS CHRIST

oh my god kim like asking for aubrey all concerned before deciding to trust her and leaving.....kim i diagnose u with lesbain

the whole fucking. basil almost drowning scene. i seriously feel like ive changed like as a person over it. i am thinking . i am thinking. i am only evee thinking about mari and how omori just loved her so much and how the thought of her gave him strength. th pic of her ghost holding omori’s hand in the water made me cry

MMMM BUT. HERO!!!

I DIE I DIE I DIE HE’S SO PRETTY FUCK ALSO HIM PICKING UP BASIL WOOOOOOOO THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT YEAHHHHHHHH

god i feel so bad about leaving aubrey tho. shes so clearly not okay and she so clearly did not mean to push basil in and oh my GOD I JUST...PLEASE....PLEASE CAN WE JUST TLAK TO HER I NEED TO TLAK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO FUCK

the ghosts of omori and aubrey on the swings made me cry out like i had been physically assaulted

AHH BUT THEN TAKING BASIL HOME AND WHILE HE’S IN HIS BED HE JUST SAYS “oh sunny...there’s not way out of this...is there?” I LITERALLY GO BUCKWILD APESHIT INSANE STUPDI!!!!!! BASIL YOURE PUTTING UP A LOT OF ALARMING FLAGS HERE!!! PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK. CHRIST. HELL. SHIT. THIS GAME IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY

GOD

oh my god but the day ending with hero and kel sleeping over at omori’s house...im kdnd im jkdim im not uhm okay THEY BUILT A BLANKET FORT PLEASE..I LOVE THEM

goddd hero going into the piano room....playing sum........and then asking omori abt the song he and mari used to play on violin...and then THE TITLE SCREEN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING....HI. HI HELLO HI YOU CANT FUCKIGN DO THAT HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUFBJFGJNGN;EJNE; IM GOIGN NUTS

also the name omori comes from the piano.............interesting...i wonder why sunny likes being called omori in the dreamscape...

god but omori not having a srs hallucination cause he’s w his friends and he feels safe...im gonna sob

However. i did glance into the bathroom mirror. AND INSTEAD OF THE EYE MF IT’S A DISTORTED AS HELL GHOST MARI???IM SO FUCKIGN SCARED. IM SO SCARED. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK? CREEPY AS HELL!!!

ohh my god this GAME

so finally i ended up in whitespace again. do NOT like that omori is completely alone in the world!!! what the FUCK!!!!!!!! I AM SO SCARED AT ALL TIMES. im literally about to go play sum more tho after dinner so i will see what happens. god i jsut......this game is so fucking good it has me by the balls dude. SO glad i decided to play it bruh

anyway thanks for reading all of this if u did, it’s an absolute monster ik and ur a real one

[im-a-meteorite]

i’ve been marathoning the harry potter movies since im in quarantine and i’ve been taking some notes. i’ll post them all bc why not 

sorcerer’s stone

harry knowing that there’s no post on sunday,, a genius

hedwig’s theme playing when harry looks out of the window and sees an owl flying by, very nice

hagrid doing magic at the house on the rock thing,, wouldnt the ministry be able to track that?? since there’s no wizard that lives there, they should be alerted?? or did they remove the trace from hagrid once he got expelled?? like does it work by the trace only or? bc if it doesn’t work by location then how would they know that a muggle witnessed the magic?? idk anymore

the kids staring at the nimbus 2000 and saying its the fastest model yet,, then the camera zooming on the handle w/ the background blurred -> the most straight forward foreshadowing

hagrid is actually the worst person to take harry on his tour situation,, like bro literally left him in the middle of a train station

the weasleys and harry going to the platform while theres a shit ton of ppl walking around,,, statute of secrecy where??

the great hall is on the first floor?? i thought it was on the ground floor

ew the hats

i wish the movies had dumbledore’s weird few words speeches

“theres not one witch or wizard that went bad that wasnt in slytherin” broooo

mcgonagall is so savage i love her

snape is an asshole

a crap ton of chessboards in the great hall study hall scene,, foreshadowing the challenges?

madam hooch really yeeted herself out of neville’s way

✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨✨

harry really wiped the troll buggers on his robe,, disgusting

snapes hair is lowkey on fleek tho,,

making most of the slytherins ugly bc they’re the “evil” house is just a disservice to all the inbreeding

hermione setting snape on fire is truly iconic and very extra tbh like sis why tf would u know a spell like that

seasonal transition wasnt that great tbh

overall the directing style is kinda basic

“not in the restricted section,,” rule breaking hermione is the best hermione

dumbledore’s handwriting is so extra and loopy like tf?? but it fits his character

the hedwig flying season transition was good

“immortal?” “it means you’ll never die.” “i know what it means!”

50 points each for being out of bed??? wtf is this point system

filtch saying there’s werewolves in the forbidden forest,,, thats illegal sir

hagrid calling the trio by their first names but draco by his last,, we love favoritism

harry’s thoughts r so ridiculous,, “snape doesnt want the stone for himself, he wants it for voldemort!” lmaoo wtf,, evidence pls sir,, u don’t even know he was a death eater. was it the bad vibes?? bc same

harry figuring out that the person who gave hagrid the dragon egg is voldy,, a genius

“kill us faster?? now i can relax!!” ron is so iconic i love him

“lucky we didnt panic!” “lucky hermione pays attention in herbology”

how is it that harry’s hand burned quirrel but not the skin on harry’s neck?? that shit makes no sense

yeah i really cant imagine this dumbledore fighting voldy in movie 5

hermione’s headband in the reunion scene is so cute i love it

chamber of secrets:

how is dobby even allowed to just jump on the bed?? like is it bc harry isnt his master that he can do smth like that

“dobby has heard about harry potter’s kindness” or whatever,, bro u work for the malfoys either the elves gossip or draco is waxing poetry about harry

aunt petunia saying “we have ice-cream” after that whole affair is just ridiculous

DIAGONALLY

this seems like the extended version bc i dont remember the borgin and bruks scene to be that long

the close ups with lucius and ginny’s books r insane lmao like chris columbus made it so obvious

also mr weasley’s acting is so funny like its so exaggerated

lucius malfoy is so dramatic and extra we love it

also lucius knowing hermione’s name and “draco’s told me all about you”??? bro whats with draco?? lmaoo

snape really got mad with the whole car business

mandrakes r fucking weird bro how did jkr come up with that

PERCY WALKING WITH PENELOPE CLEARWATER??? HOW DID I MISS THAT??

omg colin had so many lines?? wow

omg erol with the fucking howler,, iconic

ron’s facial expressions?? pure comedy, rupret is so good

LOCKHEART REALLY SAID “GOOD GIRL” THEN WINKED AT HERMIONE

“pesky piksy pescinomy” this bitch dumb

“why is it always me?” poor neville

omfg ✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨

ahh using the seeker position for fighting

ew draco used the m-word

the shit the basilisk is saying is so lame lmaoo

how does harry not recognize that he’s hearing a different language?? or does parsaltongue act weird

HOW IS THE WHOLE SCHOOL IN THE SAME CORRIDOR???

“i know the counter-curse that could’ve spared her” bitch the dirty looks he got?? omfg

the movies would’ve been 500% better if they had lee jordan’s iconic quidditch commentary

“scarhead” “TRAINING FOR THE BALLET, POTTER?”

“what did you expect?? pumpkin juice??” madam pomfery is a queen

dobby is dumb dumb

“who am i, hedwig? what am i?”

“reading? i didnt know you could read?”

“look at my face” “look at your tail!”

“you can’t cancel quidditch!”

“oh harry, if you die down there, you’re welcome to share my toilet”

lockheart: do you live here? ron: no *smacks him in the head with a rock*

“voldemort is my past, present and future” are all slytherins this dramatic??

the tension between hermione and ron in the last feast was insane

justin filtch fletchy is so ugly im so sorry i cant

prisoner of azkaban:

im sorry but harry doing underage illegal magic pisses me off every time

aunt marge 🤢

“do they use a cane boy?” “oh yeah, i’ve been beaten loads of times”

that whole scene is so chaotic

“you cant do magic outside of school!” “oh yeah? try me”

sirius really dumb for barking at harry like it makes no sense

the knight bus is probably one of the best things in this movie

“whatcha doing down there??” “i fell over” “whacha fell over for?” “i didnt do it on purpose!” “well come on then, lets not wait for the grass to grow”

harry leans over and looks for the grim, stan: “whatcha looking at?”

“yeah take it away ernie,, its gonna be a bumpy ride”

this whole thing is written and directed so perfectly

i hate how they replaced tom bc it really made no sense

all the bits of magic in the leaky caldron is so genius

fudge reminds me of trump but like dumber

the blue lighting and coloring is just great, it fits the colder vibe of the story (not like HBP with the hazy/blurry effect)

ugh the glass and mirror transitions are one of my favorite things,, alfonso curon really did that 

i love the weasleys,, also everyone looks great in this movie

omg the scene with arthur talking to harry about sirius with the sirius poster always being in sight?? amazing

contrast of light and darkness just echos the whole dementor vs patronus situation

i dont even understand why remus took the train other than for the nostalgia

the lights slowly turning off in the different carriages?? amazing

the visual representation of the dementors’ effect is great

REMUS!!!

i wish there was more emotion from remus when he’s talking about sirius,, like that was one of his only friends

snape clapping literally twice for remus,, ajhshsh

ahh the placement of the slytherin and gryffindor tables right beside each other to increase the tension and further the plot

oh yea the new dumbledore, also cool hat he has

omg the new fat lady painting

omg the candy scene?? so cute i love lads being lads. that scene just echo’s dumbledore’s light in the dark quote bc its storming outside at night and they’re creating a happy environment within the dark especially with the dementors

ah yes the clock references + following the bird to show us important parts of hogwarts and putting the whomping willow in the forefront

ron’s reading of harry’s tea leaves,, still on point tho. ron really has a knack for divination

buckbeak! omg drapple

draco is so hot especially with that ring also the slytherin pins??

“oh yeah, terribly funny, really witty. god, this place has gone to the dogs”

the kids look so messy i love it + harry’s uneven tie

HERMIONE CLINGING TO RONS ARM!!

“its killed me! your gonna regret this, you and your bloody chicken”

omg the boggart lesson

“riddikulus!” “this class is ridiculous”

fuck snape!

draco really pushed someone with his bandaged arm

remus is such an amazing professor i love him and i just miss him so much

ugh harry in this hoodie?? amazing

remus and harry’s conversation with the music :(( lily :((

wtf is that eye painting??

percy screaming about being head boy,, bro stfu

sirius is such a dramatic little bitch i love it

seasonal changes marked by the wimping willow

“turn to page 394”

what a fucking rude ass bitch,, i hate snape

harry really be seeing the grim everywhere

i wish they had “wheres wood?” “trying to drown himself in the shower”

winter transition with hedwig! + clock tower

“come and join the big boys”

i just adore this scene of the twins giving harry the map (bro i really want a series about the marauders)

whos that skinny bitch with draco???

harry’s way too rash tbh

also mcgonagall being also too nonchalant about the whole marauder’s situation?? like those werent your students

remus is a soft boy dark academia icon

if only dumbledore wasnt a dumbass,, remus could have been uncle moony raising harry with sirius

ron’s nightmare scene?? iconic

“my dad didnt strut. nor do i” umm james potter was also a drama queen sooo probably strutting

“you, YOU FOUL LOATHSOME EVIL LITTLE COCKROACH” “hermione no, he’s not worth it”

sirius’ dog form really looks like a rabid dog omfg

the part where hermione grabs harry while she’s on the wimping willow omfg

“only one will die tonight” YOU DRAMATIC BITCH UR NOT MAKING THIS BETTER

“finally the flesh reflects the madness within” “well you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you remus?”

why the fuck is the shreaking shack is swaying in the wind??

QUARRELING LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE

why the fuck didnt they knock peter out?? like tf?? they’re actually dumb dumb there were so many ways for this to go right

this man really sent 2 13-year-olds on this dumbass mission

buckbeak really beat up remus,, “professor lupin’s having a really tough night”

harry’s a fucking psycho with this patronus bullshit,, i cant

can they stop screaming while flying on buckbeak?? someone might hear them

im still mad sirius didnt get his name cleared,, so much would’ve changed

“we did it” “did what? goodnight” i fucking hate dumbledore and his mindlessness omfg sometimes i wanna punch him in the face

fuck snape for outing remus as a werewolf,,, but also he really didnt have to resign. like istg wheres the marauder energy when it comes to defying everyone??

i wish the movies had went into the marauders’ history :(( its one of my favorite aspects of the series

[ithisatanytime]

  i am bitching like crazy but to be honest she called me back, she put up with a lot of insane bullshit from me, im just losing my mind because i fucked up again and life came down pretty hard on me for it again. i was already close to the edge. i was close to the fucking edge before any of this shit happened to be honest, and mostly over the goddamn past, its not so easy to let go when its there in the fucking background all the time, gnawing a whole inside you, am i doing that? man fuck sigmund freud in his rotten asshole, what an absolute lying piece of shit, and jung too they are both burning in hell. i dont secretly crave the pain, i want to be free every moment of every day, shit matters, stuff that happens matters. god their ideas were like a malignant tumor. fucked everyone right up, just like they were designed to do. anyway, most girls wouldnt have  called back, and when i was particularly helpless, going full baby mode if i missed a dose, she was there for me. i cant imagine another woman doing that after what we put each other through. but  shes still a woman.. if we never talk again i will love her until i die, but i hope we talk again because i dont think i can carry this shit any farther, i dont even have a dream to delude myself with anymore. fuck i just wanted to at least see her in motion you know, to prove to myself this isnt a dream, because in my dreams i cant see her face anymore, its been too long and the memories faded so much i cant render her face in 3d. just before she spoke to me again briefly, i started having those same dreams where im searching for her, but finally i found her all covered in garments, her face covered. she allowed me to touch her cheek and i caressed it, and thats the only time i have ever touched her in a dream since we’ve been apart. shit was cash.

  it still feels like a dream, but i do miss the old phenibut dream, it was terrifying at times but i had so much faith, i was dancing on my bed and cheering, praising god loudly while feasting on fruits and meats and ice cream. i was celebrating, and i was never home, i was at the beach or the gym or just walking around, now im fuckign back on this fucking porch, addicted to kratom, gonna be flat fucking broke for a minute, phones broken, we arent talking, and i feel sober as a judge. god told me that day he fucking told me that he loved me just how i was, and i let peoples.. never mind who cares

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[melto]

sorry fellas this is just gonna be me bitching about some threatre major stuff

im like. so extremely fucking upset right now like we open tomorrow and this show will almost be over and its like. i LOVE theatre. i love being a stage manager i love it so bad and i know what i have signed myself up for but the treatment of workers in the industry is unethical most times and it really does show bad in reference to being a student. like im so truly frustrated with the way that specifically production students in my college are treated because yes. we understand how much work goes into theatre but you CANNOT talk about how it is unfair and unethical and then as professors not do anything on the level you can to combat the systems in which have been in place. like its insane. literally during our 10/12 they talked about how tired the actors and like deck crew/board ops must be which. of course they are 10/12 are just inherently bad in my opinion and we shouldnt be doing them but they are saying this while there are still students stuck in the theatre at this fucking production meeting who have been there/will be there for at least 14 hours at that point. which is more than scheduled and more than any of the staff have been. we all also have work and class on top of this but they make jokes about how overworked we are to the point where it makes me want to fucking tear my hair out. like literally i havent slept or ate or drank hardly for like 2 weeks now and i wont be any better off for like another two and they KNOW this. like fucks sake a professor like walked in on my stress puking in a backroom after the dress last night because i was so fustrated and ill. literally they acknowlage how awful we look and seem and then act concerned before being like oh well<3 cool if you will be in the theatre doing lights until 2am when we joked about how fucking terrible you look. cool if we laugh at the production meeting about how i  almost passed out after standing up that night. lets point out and talk about where exactly they all saw me get so upset and overtired that i started crying on fucking headset uncontrolably because no one would give me the fucking answers i needed and then everyone was getting mad at me because i didnt have them. lets have you literallyhave to talk a student designer off a ledge because some hired grown man is overstepping and youre putting him before your students. 

literally like wooo we’re so cool and hardworking for mangaing to get a show done without theschool getting shut down and during all this c*vid shit. we shuldnt even be doing shows right now literally like the only theatre not dark rn in myarea is us. we’ve had like 7 scares and cases and the whole case admits that they keep partying and we just lost someone on crew today because of all of it and i just have to sit here and keep going because what the fuck else am i supposed to do? i can barely stand up for more than 5 minutes without almost vomiting and passing out right now and i can barely do anything for my other classes or work so im just taking fucking points off everything and i usually dont have issues with keeping up with stuff during all of this. like JESUS i feel so truly suicidal and its literally the only way out of this whole fucking mess until we close in a week and i wouldnt do that to my crew because god. im just so fucking ANGRY. i wouldnt be this fucking angry if my professors werent being so tactless with their words and actions. its BARELY treated as a learning environment for production students which is a whole different conversation about my gripes with how my college choses shows and treats stuff that honestly i could bitch abut for hours but GOD. literally all i do is cry and almost pass out every time i try to do anything right now and im STILL expected to be like emotionally stable through all of these even with people outside my deparemnt even when ive expressed why this specific process has been so hard. like FUCK i cannot ask for even the smallest adacomadation at all without it being an ordeal.couldnt even get myself moved to the booth a day early to help out with my anxiety of not wanting to be calling from house during an invited dress right now. im so tired. Im so tired the unethical work standards for the theatre industry arent even funny like STOP. tech is over so at least the student lx designer whos getting the fuck kicked out of them will be done but me and my team are still stuck here and if that fucking scenic designer whos also doing the stupid fucking video shit who is so fucking demeaning and someone i want to fucking beat the shit out of attempts to change anything during our final dress when all he does is make everything so much harder and then critizie me in front of eveyrone even though he just added like 20 super stupid and fucked up cues that are hard to call and no one gave me fucking time to dry tech them before we go into a run well. Well im gonna start killing people im gonna start swinging im just so FUSTRATED AND MAD GOD WWWHDFJHSKGJLFJKJGKJKJGFS

[the--blackdahlia]

This Life Chapter 16

Title: This Life Chapter 16

Summary:  Dean Winchester is the Vice President of the motorcycle club The Hunters. After almost 7 years in prison, he's free. But things have changed and Dean has to figure out how to put things back together.

Warnings: Language, mentions of drug use, this chapter is pretty sad

AN: Thank you to the lovely @sams-serialkiller-fetish .  The song for this chapter is Come Join the Murder by The White Buffalo & The Forest Rangers

Sam was curled up in the passenger seat of Baby as Dean drove them back to Wolfpine. He had his arm cradled against him and his eyes were closed. Dean kept casting glances over at him. The kid had worked himself up the minute Ellen stepped out of the truck and asked where Benny was. Jim had forced him to take a couple pills from the med kit that Bobby kept in the truck and before Dean knew it, his not so little, little brother was snoring softly beside him in the Impala.

Dean was exhausted. He couldn’t wait to get back to Wolfpine and collapse onto his bed. And he had the pull out couch for Sam to sleep on for the night. Unless he decided that they needed to spend the night in John’s old house. But Dean didn’t think it was a very good idea. Plus, they had the Wayward Sons following them to Wolfpine to think of a plan in case the remaining Horsemen decided to retaliate for Azazel’s death.

Bobby had called in some favors with a couple sheriff’s who owed him a thing or two. Benny’s body would be returned home, and the bodies of Azazel and the henchmen would be dealt with. Jody assured Bobby of that. Bobby could focus then on putting Benny to rest. His dad was currently drinking his way through Atlantic City, and his mom was on her honeymoon with her new husband in Europe. Bobby doubted that either would be there to say goodbye to their son.

And then there was Sam. That kid had been through more trauma in the past year than any of them had. He had watched as a fire destroyed everything, he watched his dad shot in the chest and was left for dead, and then he was chained up to watch as a man who was like a brother to him was shot in the head and killed. Bobby didn’t know about what Azazel had told Sam, and neither did Dean. Bobby didn’t know about Sam’s downward spiral into depression that John managed to pull him out of. Dean was afraid it was going to happen again.

“Sammy.” Dean said gently when he parked Baby in Winchester-Singer’s lot. Sam groaned and slowly opened his eyes. “Hey, we’re at the garage. I thought we could stay here tonight then head to my place tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Sam said softly, opening the door and slowly getting out, stretching his long legs as he did. He had been asleep when they stopped in New Mexico. He didn’t even remember Dean making him get out of the car to use the bathroom and forced him to eat a little something that the medicine in him wouldn’t screw him up too much.

“How’s your arm?” Dean asked, coming around to look at Sam.

“It’s fine.” He whispered, but he was holding it close to him. Dean was sure that it was probably hurting. He followed Sam to the building. He could hear the others pulling in. But Dean knew that Sam needed time away from all of them. Hell, he needed time away from all of them. So they made their way through everything to the room that Dean used to sleep in when he just couldn’t handle being around John, until he got the apartment that was. It wasn’t much. A large bed mainly. But that’s all they really needed. They needed sleep.

“Let me look at that.” Dean said when he closed the door behind him. Sam held out his arm for Dean to check it out. He knew basic first aid. And he knew how to change bandages. He was going to make sure that they were always clean and taken care of. “It looks fine. It should heal nicely.”

“Thanks.” Sam sighed and set down on the bed. “You want the bed?”

“I think there’s enough room we could share.” Dean laughed. “And I’ll even keep my boxers on.”

“God, you’re ridiculous.” Sam said, kicking off his boots and laying back on one side of the bed. Dean kicked off his own shoes and his vest was next. He tossed himself down on the bed.

“God, this thing stinks.” He shook his head, not wanting to know what had been done on this bed. “I’m replacing it once everything is done and over with.” Sam didn’t answer. Dean looked over to find Sam fast asleep. He couldn’t help but smile. “G’night bitch.” He said, turning over and falling to sleep himself.

****

The next morning, there were not alarm clocks. Everyone slept in as much as they could, just enjoying their moments of peace. They knew that war was on the horizon, especially once the other princes found Azazel. They also knew that they were going to have to bury Benny. Bobby had tried over and over again to get a hold of either of his parents, but nothing.

Sheriff Mills came by in the afternoon. Dean was out in the garage, trying to focus on a car to keep his mind off of everything. The Wayward Sons were staying at John’s old home for the night. Bobby had never sold it, figuring that Sam might want it during the summers or something. Or that Dean would get tired of that apartment and want a change. Lucifer, Andy, Gabriel, Ruby, and Meg were all there, waiting for the other shoe to drop and war to break out.

“Dean Winchester.” Jody said, walking up to him. Dean smiled some.

“Hey Jody.” Dean said, wiping his hands on a shop rag. She could tell that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes though and she immediately hugged him. She might have been on the Hunters payroll, but she was also a friend. That’s what made it a little easier to look the other one every once in awhile.

“Benjamin Lafitte has been released to the North Star Hospital Center.” Jody explained to Dean. “So you guys can arrange…” Dean nodded.

“Thanks Jody. We really owe you.” Dean said. Jody looked up then and smiled some as Sam came out into the garage, favoring his arm.

“Sam.” She hugged him, careful to miss his arm. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks Jody.” Sam said softly. “Hey Dean, have you seen Jim?”

“No, not yet. Your arm hurting?” Dean asked. Sam nodded. Dean was about to say something when some new bikes pulled into the lot. Jody was a little on edge. “It’s ok Jody, they’re friends.” Dean said. Andy took his helmet off and looked over at Sam and Dean.

“You okay?” He asked, walking past Jody.

“I’m fine.” Sam sighed. Jody took this time to size up the Wayward Sons. Andy seemed okay. Meg and Ruby weren’t too bad. Gabriel looked a little rough around the edges. Lucifer was fucking scary.

“I could score you some Demon Blood man.” Lucifer said. “It’ll stop all the pain.”

“Yeah, and it’ll stop him from being a functioning human being.” Ruby hissed. “Don’t even bring that shit around here.”

“Demon Blood?” Dean asked. “What the fuck is that?”

“Street drug and nasty.” Jody told him. “I just had to interview a couple of girls who had been slipped it in their drinks.” Dean watched Ruby awkwardly rubbed her arm as Jody spoke. “Moderation shouldn’t cause any life altering effects. But too much and overdoses can really fuck you up.”

“Can we change the subject?” Sam asked. “I don’t need Demon Blood. Just some low grade, over the counter painkillers and I’ll be good.”

“What happened anyway?” Jody asked.

“I got shot.” Sam said dismissively before he headed to where Ellen and Jo were to see if they had anything.

“Well, I guess you guys have things to attend to.” Jody said. “Let me know when the funeral is. I’d love to pay my respects.” She patted Dean’s arm and offered a small smile. “And tell Bobby to give me a call.” She left then. Dean went to go make the arrangements to have Benny buried. He didn’t want him to lay there and rot because his parents couldn’t give a shit about him. He also needed to research whatever this Demon Blood shit was.

“She was addicted to it.” Andy said to Dean, startling him some. “Ruby was. She was kicked out of her home, lost her job, everything. All she wanted was more of it. But she pulled herself out and is very anti Demon Blood.”

“Why is it called that?” Dean asked.

“No matter what form it’s in, it’s a deep red. It looks like blood. And it causes the user to hallucinate. A very common side effect is they believe they have powers.” Andy looked over at Lucifer, who was talking with Meg and Gabriel. “Lucifer OD’ed on it. That’s why he’s insane.”

“That did that to him?” Dean asked.

“Gabriel said he had a slight mental illness anyway. And he got hooked on Demon Blood. And he just took more and more until his body couldn’t take it anymore.” Andy explained. “Sam got lucky. He took it once and it made him sick and he promised to never take it again.” Andy realized as soon as the words left his mouth, he shouldn’t have said them.

“Wait...what did you say?” Dean asked.

“Nothing.” Andy shook his head.

“Sam took this drug?” Dean asked. Andy sighed.

“Once, as a moment of weakness. Right after Jess died. But he got so sick that the benefits were overshadowed. And he promised all of us and God himself that he would never do it again.” Andy could see the anger bubbling away under Dean’s skin. What else had Sam neglected to tell him? Instead, Dean stormed off, leaving Andy there. He went to find Bobby so they could get ready to bury Benny.

****

The funeral home was quick to have things set up. So it was the next day and they were ready. Benny was prepped and placed in a closed casket. It was sunny and warm. Every trope in movies said it was supposed to rain. So it couldn’t really be a funeral.

It was a graveside service. The funeral home did bring Benny to the cemetery via hearse, and the Hunters and Wayward Sons were the pallbearers. While the Wayward Sons had only known Benny a couple of days, they felt obligated to stand there by the Hunters. Ellen and Jo sobbed. Especially Ellen. She had watched Benny grow up from a chubby toddler to a man.

Sam was one of the first to leave when the ceremony was over. He had to get away. He needed air. So he stormed off, running away to a club of trees where he could sit and be alone. But he wasn’t, because Dean was right behind him.

“Sammy…” Dean said. “We got revenge for Benny and for dad.”

“You think that Azazel planned this all on his own?” Sam asked. Dean was about to speak up. “There are three more princes out there, plus their fucking henchmen. Dean, we have to stop them all.”

“And we will in due time.” Dean said. “We just buried Benny.”

“They won’t care.” Sam told him. “And if what Azazel said is true…”

“What? What did he say to you?” Dean asked.

“He told me that he slept with mom when her and dad were separated and that I have a good chance of being his kid.” Sam told Dean. “I don’t believe but…”

“Dad told me about that.” Dean said. “You’re not Azazel’s son. Even if you were, it didn’t change anything. Dad loved you so much.”

“But…”

“No buts Sammy. You’re a Winchester, that’s all there is to it. You ain’t getting out of this family that easy.” He smirked at Sam, who rolled his eyes. “Come on. I think a trip up to Austin for a burger is in order. My treat.”

“Can we take Baby?” Sam asked.

“Of course. Probably hard to steer your bike with that arm anyway.” They headed back to the others. They had gotten a ride with Bobby. Dean didn’t mention anything about what Andy had told him about Demon Blood. He just wasn’t in the mood to fight with Sam. He got his brother back and he wanted to keep it that way. He didn’t want to push him away.

And a trip to Austin really could do them both a lot of good.

****

Aguila, Arizona

Azazel’s body laid on a table as Asmodeus, Alastair, Ramiel, Lilith, Abbadon, and Dagon stood around. It had been chaos when the princes had came back from a run to Mexico and found their fourth dead on the ground. This just stunk of Hunters. Alastair was sure of it.

“They’re all dead.” Asmodeus finally said. “The Hunters have to be exterminated.”

“What do we do?” Ramiel asked.

“We slaughter them like the pigs they are.” Lilith hissed. She held Azazel’s favorite pistol in her hands. “I want to kill at least one of them.”

“Lil, just breathe.” Abbadon said. She looked at the others.

“Actually, I think it would be a fantastic idea to include the girls.” Alastair said. “They have a moral code. They’re not going to willingly shoot women. And they don’t have women in their group. It would be the perfect distraction.”

“Then let’s get ready.” Asmodeus announced. “I want the Hunters dead by the end of the week.”

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @i-would-die-for-woodland-demars @dekahg @marvel-af @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles  Tags: @luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @flamencodiva @bella-ca

This Life Tags: @soulslaststand @jamielea81 @caplansteverogers @becs-bunker @colie87

Supernatural Tags: @bandobsession98 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @fangirlsencyclopaediaofweirdness @ilovetardis @missihart23 @cloudyskylines @supernaturalwincestsblog @sams-serialkiller-fetish

[endwalkr]

this is an ask based thingy but im really in the mood to infodump so im just gonna answer them all under the cut !

Favorite video game?

starting off with the absolute hardest question huh? i can’t possibly name ONE favorite game of mine because i adore my favorites for many different reasons. my overall favorite video game is ffxv or botw. ffxv because it has brought me so much joy for such a long time, and because i have such a connection with the characters. botw because i was actually in the fandom when it first got announced in 2016 so i got to be there when the hype was at an all time high– and finally being able to play the game after waiting for so long was an unforgettable experience. i have more favorite games but ill talk more about them in the ‘’special place in ur heart’’ question.

First console you owned?

my first console wasn’t a console. my friend and i used to play on her nintendo dsi all the time and at one point tiny little me reeeally wanted one of my own so i saved up and got one in [redacted] when i was 7. my first actual console was a wii though, we got that around the same time.

A game that holds a special place in your heart?

ffxv and botw mean the absolute world to me, but super mario galaxy and skyward sword are very important to me too. skyward sword is the game that got me into zelda which got me into anime which got me into final fantasy etc etc etc.  super mario galaxy was the first non-mini game collection and more adventure story-ish game i played. i was so proud when i beat it for the first time and mario was my first ever ‘’fandom’’ :’) 

Favorite video game character?

bro. i cant pick just one so i’ll choose one per game : prompto, ryuji and link. they were all my comfort characters at some point and i projected like crazy onto them. this doesnt mean that i wouldnt absolutely die for noct or zelda. 

Least favorite video game character?

i dont think theres anyone i distinctly dislike? i always talk about hating ardyn but that’s because he’s just a salty bitch. as a character i think he’s a great villain and i rly love him. i honestly always end up liking everyone somehow, maybe there is someone i just forgot about but i cant remember at all. 

Favorite genre?

adventure games, or action rpgs. 

Video game character you’ve had a crush on?

every character ever, but i distinctly remember the moment i fell in love with prompto sjghfkshd i was watching a playthrough of xv in december 2016 because i didnt have a ps4, and the guy got to the scene in galdin quay where the bros learn insomnia fell. i had watched about 6 hours of the game by that time and wasn’t particularly interested in the characters but not uninterested enough to drop it. i hadnt even gotten a good look at the characters faces yet, so when the camera zoomed in on prompto when he said ‘’might not be save for us here!’’ i noticed he had freckles. oh god. oh fuck. oh my god hes fucking cute. oh my god better watch 30 hours of this game now

First video game you remember playing?

wayyy before i got my own gaming systems, my then-best friend had a gamecube in her attic. i was around 5 or 6 at the time. whenever i was over at her house and we didnt know what to do, she’d sometimes propose to play ‘’mario kart’’. important is that we are dutch, and i was a literal child. i thought mario KART meant it was a fucking card game, so i always declined whenever she asked. on one fateful day, i finally gave in and was pleasantly surprised it was in fact not a card game, but a viddy game. so we played mario kart double dash. (…i had never played a video game in my life besides browser flash games and was Very Very bad)

Age you started gaming?

so i played my first video game that i didnt own when i was about 5 or 6. then i got my first supply of games at age 7/8, but i dont really consider that time to be when i started ‘’gaming’’. i’d say that was when i started mario galaxy, so i’ve been playing video games for real (ie. story adventure games with boss battles) for about 6 years now.

Hardest video game you’ve played?

this is gonna sound stupid, but the witcher 3. there’s like 7 difficulties and i played on the EASIEST and still had a hard time, i just couldnt get used to the combat. i had the same problem with assassin’s creed syndicate, but after about 10 hours i actually knew what i was doing, and ive played the witcher longer than that and still am clueless. this is kind of an unpopular opinion but i dont particularly like that game

Video game you’ve spent the most time on?

i guess i am what you’d call a casual gamer; i really like video games but during a normal school week i only game for like 2-6 hours. most of the time i dont play for like 2 weeks if im busy. gaming has kind of taken over my life not because i play so much but because i get so emotionally invested lol i’m currently on summer break and even now im not playing a lot because of exhaustion and executive dysfunction. this derailed slightly but the game i’ve played the most despite my casual gamer status is …. … …. ffxv. surprise, right? the runner up is botw, but xv wins by a landslide. 630+ hours. botw is 350. my main save in ffxv is almost 200 hours i think. damn. i really managed to keep myself entertained with that game… (………i was thinking recently, since the loading screens in xv are so long, how much of this total amount was spent watching screens. i imagine it’s several hours, especially if you fast travel a lot.)

Most embarrassing gaming moment?

many moments in my gaming experience are embarrassing, but a more recent one: i was in xv’s postgame, beating some dungeons on my new save file. i had just finished daurell caverns and hadn’t saved in about 2 hours. (uh oh) i was driving around in the regalia type d and got to the big cliff near lestallum, and remembered someone made a gif of jumping in there so i wanted to try it too. i imagined the game would just put me back on the road, like it does when you crash into something. except it didnt. i got a game over. where was my last save? 2 hours back all the way in hammerhead. yippee.

Scariest video game you’ve played?

i never play horror games, cuz for me games are supposed to be relaxing experiences. no hate towards horror games of course, they just stress me out. the only time ive played horror is when friday the 13th was for free on ps+, and my friends really wanted to play it. (theyre kinda addicted to it now. huh) they had already gotten over the initial fear of having jason chase you, but i was still terrified. i can play the game without getting scared now tho. the horror sound effects just rly freaked me out at first jhsdkghsd

Most memorable gaming moment?

playing breath of the wild for the first time, or beating it for the first time. both experiences were filled to the brim with excitement and nostalgia. seeing botw as a blank slate, a world for you to explore, having no idea where you’re going… that was pretty incredible. now i know every nook and cranny of the map, so i wish i could play it for the first time again. i was so incredibly immersed. beating it was insane. i cried for 30 minutes and the end wasnt even sad, i was just so amazed at the fact that i was really here, playing breath of the wild, it was really real. the fucking main theme in the background (which i cannot for the life of me listen to without crying) didnt help with my emotions sgkdjh

Video game character you wish you could meet in real life?

…………..its prompto again. maybe 2017 me …. was .. kind of a kinnie

PC, Xbox, Playstation, or Nintendo?

i dont care about console wars at all, but i think hardware-wise, pc is the best, because if you have a good pc you can basically do anything. i however do not, so i just play on consoles. ive never particularly liked xbox, so i only play ps4 and nintendo. not the switch though. its kinda petty, but my best friend and i really dont like the switch djghks

Gaming company you’re most loyal to?

none. i used to call myself a nintendo nerd (oh my god…. i m. gonna die) in like 2015 but since the switch came out and since i got a ps4 they kinda lost me. i still like their game series of course, but as a company i don’t care for them. the only reason i see square enix as one of ‘’my’’ gaming companies is because ffxv took up like 70% of my gaming experience, but besides final fantasy i don’t really love them too much either.

If you could only play one video game for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

atm i’m really into ffxiv because theres just so much to do, but that’s just a new, possibly temporary interest. if i had to choose, i’d say botw. maybe i’d say ffxv, but i feel like running around doing nothing in that game isnt very fun, because the world is sorta empty after completing every quest and getting to level 120. in botw, just fucking around on your horse is still really relaxing and nice. 

Do you use strategy guides?

yup. in certain games i try to avoid them but i usually end up stuck or in need of advice. i couldn’t have gotten so many p5 trophies if not for the internet lol

How often do you use cheats?

never, simply because the games i play often do not have cheats. unless im playing the sims and are in need of a motherlode, i dont use them.

Competitive or single player?

single player. im bad at video games and like to do stuff at my own pace. online multiplayer can be fun every now and then in games like mario kart 8 or splatoon, and i also like teamwork stuff like ffxiv or comrades. but ultimately, i prefer playing on my own.

Video game character you want to/have cosplayed?

have never cosplayed, dont have plans to either, but it would be fun to cosplay link. omg. i just remembered i have that fucking chocomoogle shirt… sorry link im gonna slap on some sasuke hair, black jeans and ugly sneakers 

Ever go to a video game convention?

i have not, i have however gone to three (3) video game concerts which is basically the same thing. 

Hardest boss fight you’ve been in?

the hardest bosses for me are usually the ones with a gimmick. you have to use a certain item or tactic to beat them or something. other hard fights for me are when you fight someone with a similar skill set. (in ffxv, this happens twice, once with the iggy-noct sparring match and once against ardyn. somehow, the final boss was easier than getting the prince to eat vegetables.) i don’t know an actual example of THE hardest boss fight ive been in though. at the time, the first bowser battle in mario galaxy was the hardest thing in the universe and i got stuck for like a month. currently, i’m having trouble with the riku-ansem fight in kh1. 

Video game you wish you could burn from your memory?

the zelda cdi games? no, i dont really know. i dont hate a game so much that i’d want to forget about it altogether, but i dont exactly love ocarina of time that much. it hasnt aged well and playing it on the gamecube for the first time in 2015 wasnt a good idea. im sure it was revolutionary at the time, but i cant handle the outdated controls gsdgksjs 

Favorite gaming series?

see, i love ffxv itself more than the entirety of the zelda series, but i dont love ff as a SERIES more than the zelda games. so if were talking series, zelda for sure. i fucking love those games and they mean a lot to me. 

Do you skip tutorials, or find them useful?

i often skip them because i cant pay attention, but then find that i need them anyway. so i usually do skim through them. 

Best online gaming experience?

one really good one happened a few days ago in ffxiv, some guy and i exchanged emotes for like 30 minutes and it ended with us becoming friends on psn :’) ppl dont usually emote back at me in that game so this was really wholesome and nice gjshksdj 

Worst online gaming experience?

i dont really have a worst? theyre more annoying. think try harders in gta online killing you 15 times in a row because they want to show you how good they are or something. magically, online gaming hasnt been too hard on me (mainly because i dont game online that much)

Why do you game?

it brings me joy. it’s a fun way of relaxing, while being stimulated at the same time. games have meant a great deal to me the past 6 years and i wouldnt want to lose them for the world.

[anuknowha]

Till Death Do We Part// Chapter 8, Selena’s Window

Yolanda sat there in her cell, marking yet another day on the wall. It's been over 24 years, over 8,760 days from when she was first convicted for her heinous crime. It felt like time would constantly move slow, the clock in her room would tick slowly, second by second passing. The ticks would be loud at some points, and at others, they would die down. Those sounds of the clock would ring through her ears and almost drive her mad. It was too constant, it was as if it were something she couldn’t get away from. Time itself was a constant reminder for her, it made her remember her mistakes. It made her remember when she killed Selena.

Currently, at her place on the floor, she was staring at the bunk bed in front of her that was always dormant. They refused to partner her up with anyone, she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve the company, she was meant to be alone. It pissed her off, she hated it but she knew this was the placed she earned in this world.

A curse left her breath as she was called out of her cell for lunch. She had forgotten what time it was. She looked outside her cell and there was a guard, standing ready with a key to unlock her from her prison so that she could be taken to me the mess hall.

“Come on Saldivar, its lunch time.” the guard beckoned as she grabbed her wrist roughly and led her to the cafeteria.

This was the only time that she was able to see other people, but she wasn’t allowed to communicate with them. She would watch them from a distance, as they would look in her direction and spit in it. And speaking of spit, she has been spit on multiple times by other inmates who even knew she had went to far. It didn’t matter what they did, or how long they were in for, they all hated her, despised her, all except a couple. The few who were supported were marked as “crazy”, they would sit as close to her as they possibly could; winking and smiling at her every time they passed her cell, or even just to get food.

They thought it was brave to the star out, they were always jealous of her fame and fortune.

“What does she have that I don’t have? A pretty face? I had one hell of a face before I was stuck in here, I could’ve been a star.” “She didn’t deserve to be so successful. I’ve seen girls prettier than her and she still got to the top of the charts.” “She ain’t make it look that hard, I bet anyone of us could’ve done this. We could’ve done this.” “Hell yeah we could’ve. Waste of time to think that she was going to actually see the end of her career. Thank goodness we had Yolanda here to stop her.” These were some of the things that had been said about her. They wanted to show their support. In their eyes, she was the most successful person there, she actually achieved something that most couldn’t or even feared to do. And with that they cheered her on, and worshiped her like a god.

It wasn’t always the same set of women, after all she’s been here for 24 years and not everyone was still there. Her first group was out on parole after her 9th year there. Second group was gone about a year or two ago. This third group seemed like they were here to stay, well at least one of them was. She was one of the girls from the last group, and older woman, placed back here because she decided to murder her boyfriend. The first time, she was in here for bank robbery. This woman just didn’t know when to quit, but Yolanda wasn’t surprised. She actually grew quite fond of her. And when her security walked away she would move to their table, admiring her admirers and listening to them talk about her success. She would laugh with them, and enjoy listening to their stories of how they ended up here and what they plan to do when they get out, no matter how violent their decisions were. But when her guard came back she rushed back to her lonesome table, wondering how long it would take before she could talk to her “friends” once again. It was the only thing she enjoyed, and it was the only thing to make her feel powerful.

After she finished her sandwich for today, her guard took her back to the cell that she hated. It was her home, and although it was now only 2 o clock, she was tired. She climbed into the bottom bunk and curled up, grabbing the pillow tightly and sighing into it. To be honest, she regretted everything, being part of the fan club and even meeting Selena in the first place. She wish she never knew about her, and maybe, just maybe she still would’ve been out living her life today.

She continued to think about the thing that landed her in this prison of life, one that she would more than likely spend the rest of her life in. She didn’t expect to be out for parole, even when the time comes, she was expecting everyone to never forgive her. If she got out, everyone would despise her, she won’t be able to get a job, and she’ll be struggling to maintain herself. After all, she was going to be over 60; almost old enough to get her social security and yet she wouldn’t have worked in over 30 years. She was going to be broke, she was never going to regain her life. And with that, she tried to clear her mind.

At dinner, she felt strange, she felt as if something was different, as if someone was watching her. She was slightly paranoid the whole time, watching everyone in the dining hall as they walked past her to their tables. It seemed like no one was paying her mind, and not even her biggest fans were looking in her direction today.

“I think her being in here as made her a little crazy.” one teased as she lifted her index finger to her head and rotated it in a circular motion.

“She’s been in here so long, what do you expect?” another one said.

“Maybe she’s just tired. Sometimes, when I don’t get enough sleep, I start acting a little crazy. You know, a little insane. Sleep is important for us.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know.”

“Should one of us go to check on her?”

“Nah, she’ll be fine by tomorrow.” the oldest woman at the table said as she turned in her direction and made a heart with her hands.

Yolanda just sent here a smile and a nod as she sat down the rest of her food, unable to finish due to the mental discomfort and the feeling of unease that tugged at her stomach. Needless to say, she was ready to head back to her cell.

Later that night, after the guards went home, she was slowly entering a relaxed state. She got comfortable as she laid down and turned towards the wall. She closed her eyes and drifted off into a sleep slumber.

At a quarter to midnight, she woke up, feeling like someone was staring directly at her. She looked outside the cell, and there was no one, the lights outside her small room were all off. The small light in her room was still shining pretty bright.

“H-hello?” she muttered out, only to receive no answer.

“Hello?” she mumbled out once more.

“I see you’ve aged quite a bit, must be the stress. You know, back when I was a singer, there was a lot of stress coming from being famous. But, I guess, being infamous can still put the same amount of weight on you. I wouldn’t know.” a voice came from inside the room.

“Who’s there?!” Yolanda jumped, sitting up in her bed, she looked around only to see nothing.

“You don’t remember me? That kind of makes me sad.”

“Who are you!? Show yourself!”

Selena looked down at her from the top bunk. She gave her a smile of both anger and disgust. “Hola bitch.” she stated.

Yolanda let out a scream, one that no one could hear. She continued to scream, before hopping off the bed and running as quick as she could to the other side of the room. He back pressed against the wall.

“You can’t be here!! You’re dead! I killed you!!”

“That you did, perra. But guess what? Since I was an innocent soul, I ended up exactly where you thought I would. In heaven, somewhere you’d never make it to. You know?” she giggled.

“This can’t be real!”

“You’re right it can’t be. It shouldn’t be, but it is, and here I am, in the flesh. My whole body, live and well with not a single bullet wound.”

“B-but how??” Yolanda swallowed hard.

Selena rolled her eyes.

“I just told you how, I’m in heaven.”

“No, I mean how did you get here?! Back to earth!?”

“That, is something I don’t know, but what I do know, is that I am back and I am well.” Selena said hopping down from the top bunk and basically floating to the floor.

Yolanda was still shivering in fear, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing and it was hard to even comprehend.

“You seemed surprised to see me.”

“Yeah!! Because you’re dead! I killed you!”

“You did. And how many years ago was it again? About 24? It's been a long time, and I bet you don’t even care.” Selena hummed as she took steps closer.

“I-I-”

Selena gets face to face with her murderer and looks her in the eyes.

“You’re not so strong without a weapon, without a gun to protect you huh? I mean look at you, you’re cowering in fear, afraid of what I might do to you. And honestly you should be.”

Yolanda grabbed the closest thing to her and threw it at Selena. It went through her, just like it would a ghost. She swallowed hard, her saliva almost getting caught into her throat.

“Trying to hurt me again? I don’t think you’ll find that as successful as you think. Too bad too, this would be a great time to prove how powerful you are.” Selena paused.

“I despise you for what you did. You killed me in cold blood in jealousy, for what? What did I ever do to you? I gave you a job, a home, and somewhere to be yourself, and how do you repay me? You murder me, right when I was hitting my peak of success, my peak of happiness. And not once did you dare to apologize. Not once did you regret anything that you did. Not once did you bring yourself to ever think about the consequences that you would bring about by taking me out. I lost my friends and family because of you, and they lost me. And it's all your fault.”

“L-look Selena, I didn’t mean to- I was just trying to-”

“Quiet!! I don’t want to hear it. You killed me! You took my life away from me!! I was happy and you just snatched it from me because you were being selfish!!” Selena said, tears forming in her eyes.

She tried not to cry but she couldn’t help it. Ghostly tears fell down her cheeks as she balled her fists in anger.

“I wanted to have kids! I wanted to start a family! I wanted to continue making my mom and dad proud, you don’t understand. I don’t expect you to understand. I really don’t” Selena shook her head and relaxed her hands.

“I’m sorry Selena!! I’m so so so sorry!! Please! Forgive me!! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to end your life like that! I was just being jealous, I just was angry that I might be forgotten or left behind by you by the time that everyone knew me.”

“I wasn’t going to forget you. I’m better than that; I’m better than you, and I always have been.”

“Selena!! I’m sorry!! Please!! Please forgive me!! I didn’t mean it!! I really didn’t mean it!!”

“Yolanda, I can’t. You did it, and you have to own up to it and you know this. I was trying to be there for you, just like I was everyone else. I wanted to make sure you were happy, that you were satisfied with your job. I wanted to see you succeed in life, just like I did, and you didn’t have to be famous to do that. You just needed to be happy, you needed to be content with what I was giving you and I was giving you everything. You had a lot of my attention, my time, and my love. You were in charge of my fans. You were to help me while I helped you. You were to be my best friend when I’m on the road but you didn’t appreciate it. It was never enough for you and I should’ve saw it in your eyes, I should’ve seen the anger and rage that ran through you for who knows how long? But you know, I tried to look past it, I was better than that. You know this, everyone knew this and that’s why they’re all pissed at you. They knew I didn’t deserve this. But what should I expect? Trust no one I guess.”

“Se-” Was the only last syllable she could mutter out before Selena cut her off.

“Vete a la mierda.” Selena said as she turned her back to Yolanda and walked away, disappearing into thin air.

Yolanda clenched her teeth, trying not to cry. She felt regret stab her in her stomach and she felt angry at her past. She fell to her knees, scraping them on the dirty cell floor. She screamed loud, her hands gripping tightly at her hair and yanking roughly, pulling strands out. She continued to screech, which echoed through the area that she was sitting in. She could feel herself slipping, wishing that she could take it all back.

The lights flickered. Before it stayed on for the rest of the night, this time, it was just a lot dimmer.

Chris was sitting in his room, his guitar in his hand as he strummed a few strings. He hummed a melody to himself, it was one that belonged to one of his ex wife’s songs. He let a long sigh escape his lips.

It was getting late, and he had been up all day trying to think of something to write, but nothing came to mind. And the longer he sat there with his instrument in his hand, the longer time slipped away from him and before he knew it, it was 1am.

“I wish Selena was here. It's been so long…”

He felt his heart ache. He felt empty inside once more, and that’s probably why he divorced his last wife. No one could replace Selena, no matter how hard he tried. He hung his head in dread.

“Bebe?” Selena’s voice came in a whisper from the other side of the room.

“Selena?” he lifted his head up to be faced with Selena standing in front of him, an enormous smile on her face.

“Selena!” he jumped up from the bed and embraced her in the best way possible in a warm loving hug.

“I missed you so much Chris.” she said, her smile fading only some.

“I missed you more Selena.” he said as he pulled away from her some, only to pull her into a deep, passionate and loving kiss.

Their hearts were beating a thousand miles a minute as they held each other in an embrace. They felt so warm and comforted.

“Wait, how could you be here!? I thought you were dead!?”

“I am dead, sadly… but… I found a way to travel here, and I knew I needed to pay you a visit.”

“Mi amor, its so late... “

Selena laughed and pushed him gently. She took a look at the clock.. “Its only 1 in the morning.”

“Pretty late to be visiting someone don’t you think?” he laughed.

“Fine!” she said pushing him harder so he falls back onto his bed in a fit of laughter.

Selena crawls on top of him and pulls him into another kiss, more passionate than the one before. Their kiss lasted for minutes before she pulled away.

“I’m sorry Selena.” he tried to fight back tears.

“About what love?” she said, questioning his worrying expression.

“I found someone else… but we got divorced! But we do have two kids… I’m so sorry.”

Selena got silent and felt something that she would assume, if she wasn’t dead, would be heartbreak. She shook her head trying to shake the feeling and gave a soft sigh.

“I didn’t expect you to stay single forever, and it wasn’t your fault I died. I just hope you were happy as long as you were with her.”

“I was, but I was never as happy with her as I was with you.” Chris mumbled.

Selena kissed him once more, wiping his tears away.

“Chris, I just want you to be happy, I don’t care how it happens. I don’t want you to just be caught up on me. I’m gone, and I can’t come back in any other way but this one. And it's not permanent. I don’t even know how long I can be like this until i have to return back to heaven but I wanted you to know how much I love you, and missed you.”

“Please don’t leave again.” he almost whimpered as he gripped her wrist.

“I have to, I’ve been on earth for a few hours now and I don’t want to miss out on talking to my family. Don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Selena… I love you.” he said, tears continuing to stream down his slightly swollen cheeks.

“I love you too Chris. Say “hi” to the kids fo me.”” she said as she started to fade, her voice zoning out along with her.

Chris sat there, in his room in disbelief, but he soon began to smile. He wiped his tears away and laughed some as he realized that this was the happiest he had ever been in a while.

Soon enough, Selena was in her brother’s house, who was fast asleep. She planted a kiss on his forehead and rubbed his shoulder before leaving out. She then went to go visit her sister who was preparing for bed, and gave her a pat on the shoulder and a hug from behind. Her sister turned around and saw nothing and continued to prepare herself for sleep. Selena knew she would return a better time, when everyone was active and awake so that was she could spend quality time with them.

Lastly, she went to go visit her parents who were sitting in the living room watching tv. She appeared right in front of it.

“Hola mama, papa.” Selena said grinning.

Both her parents sat up and looked at her, wiping their eyes to make sure they weren’t dreaming.

“Selena!?” they shouted in unison as they both got up and ran over to hug her.

“You can’t be real!!” her mom screamed in disbelief.

“I am mama, I’m in heaven, but I managed to come here so that I can see everyone.”

“You mean you already visited Chris and your siblings?” her father wondered.

“Yes, Chris was awake writing music but my brother and sister were sleeping.”

“We just can’t believe you’re here mija! We’re so happy to see you!”

“Me too mom, I’m so glad to be able to see you again. Both of you, here alive and well. It's been so long since I’ve been able to have the embrace of my loved once and I wish it could stay that way.”

“I wish it could too.” her mother was tearing up,

“No, please don’t cry mom…. I know this isn’t forever but I’ll be back I promise and I know you’ll both join me in heaven. I’ll just keep coming back until you do, as much as I can,as often as I can. I promise.” Selena said as she started fading away.

“What’s happening?!” her father screamed in a slight panic.

“It's time for me to go I guess. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here that long. I’ll be back. I love you both, I always will… make sure you tell Marcella and Abraham that I visited them last night, and that I’ll return soon.”

“Bye Selena! We love you!” they said together as her father hugged her mother trying his best to comfort her.

Selena waved and blew them a kiss as she became nothing. Completely gone from earth’s surface.

“Selena! Selena wake up!!” the brunette shook her new friend’s lifeless body in worry.

“Selena!” She shook her harder, as she watched Selena finally started breathing again.

She gasped and opened her eyes. She sat up, almost as if she was startled and looked her friend in the face, giving her a big tight hug. She took a second to gain her breath, her chest heaving and her heart racing.

“I’m fine Lisa. Its okay, I’m perfectly fine.”

“Thank goodness…” Lisa sighed as she clinged to her friend’s clothing.

“How long was I gone…?”

“About 5 hours. I thought I had lost you. I wasn’t expecting you to be out of it for so long. What even happened…?”

“I-I’m not sure…” she said pulling away and scratching the back of her head. “I was able to visit my killer, and I was able to get in contact with friends and family. I was so happy to see Chris… and mama and papa.”

“How…?!” Lisa’s eyes widened in wonder and speculation.

“It must have something to do with concentration and thought…”

“I didn’t know we were capable of traveling to earth.”

“Me neither, not until today anyway. But, I don’t think I can do it again. It took a lot of energy and it was super stressful.”

Lisa grew worried and hugged Selena once more, the warm embrace comforting her as they sat there together.

“I want to know more, but I rather not have you talk about it. I don’t want you hurting or worrying.”

A knock at the door suddenly came and they looked at each other in wonder.

“Who is it?” Selena shouted.

“Um… its Mac Miller.” the voice behind the door said.

“Who?” Lisa asked.

“Mac Miller, the rapper.”

“We don’t know any Mac Miller.” Selena responded.

“That’s fine… but I just wanted some help… please? I was just wondering where we were and how’d I get here? Lemme in maybe?”

“Fine come in.” Selena sighed as Mac opened the door and walked in.

“Me too” a second voice came from what seemed like out of nowhere.

A dark skinned man with dreads and an accent walked in. He took a look around, slightly confused about his surroundings.

“I don’t know where I’m at either... “ he drifted off. “Oh, and I’m Bob Marley!”

Lisa and Selena sighed to themselves as their new focus was now on the two men in front of them.

Taglist: @lennonwhipped @rogers-flowered-blazer @caviarandqueen @caminc91 @sweet-mother-love @peacelennon

[meggannn]

LOL YOUR ROOMMATE?? I can't stop laughing omg

god did i ever share the full story of what happened with my housemate last year? i think i bitched about her a little bit but here’s the full write-up of my six months with that housemate. unedited and probably full of errors and discrepancies sorry cause im going off entirely from memory

i’ve now moved out of this apartment, but i was there for a year with three other girls. two of them i got along with fine, and we introduced ourselves to each other before we moved in because that’s common courtesy to see if we get along right? but basically before any of us could talk or interview candidates for the last spot in the apartment, this girl, i’m making up a name and calling her emily, this random girl named emily basically came in and signed on for the spot on the lease without talking to any of us. uh, okay? so we eventually all get in a group chat and talk and introduce ourselves and plan to move in. day one:  emily moved in before me and i moved in a few hours later. i walk in and see the kitchen and she’s already covered the fridge with magnets and pictures and paper clippings featuring…. herself. like, a few of them had her friends, but most of the pictures were of her. basically. am i crazy or is that fucking weird? so from the get-go she just seemed……. if not privileged (which i also knew she was later), then definitely some sort of weird type of entitled but i couldn’t tell if it was maybe just cultural differences? (she was russian but had grown up in the states. idk)

anyway. she had this boyfriend who would come over occasionally, it was no problem since we didn’t talk and just waved hi to each other occasionally. but from the first week she and another housemate who lived on the far end of the apartment were both having trouble sleeping because someone else on the floor was blaring their tv loudly all hours of the night in the room next door. after several weeks of not being able to sleep through the night, they’d pretty much had enough and managed to track down whose apartment it was, and it turned out to be this elderly black woman’s apartment. i don’t really know if the woman understood why they were so upset because i think she might have been going slightly senile as well, so i think maybe the tv, or the volume, was something she wasn’t entirely aware she was doing? but the other housemate, i’ll call her veronica (who is more chill but was still upset) understood that this was probably not a fight they wanted to pick. veronica noticed that the elderly woman had a middle-aged male visitor, who looked like family, come visit the woman a few times a week and take care of her/take out the trash etc, so veronica decided to wait until she saw the visitor again to talk to him about lowering the volume or turning the tv off, or maybe getting his relative headphones or something. but emily, like….. kept pushing it every single night. every single night for the first month or so she’d stomp across the floor and rap on the door loud enough to wake up the entire floor (the walls were thin and it wasn’t a big building). and most of the time the woman didn’t respond, but there was one notable time someone else got fed up enough to wake up at 2am and yell at emily (deservedly so) for waking up the whole hall. all of which i heard very clearly because my room was next to the main door to out apt.

things escalated when i overheard emily talking to her friend on the phone about the situation and then she mentioned that in retaliation, she went over in the middle of the night and put vaseline on the woman’s door handle. i was kind of stunned and disgusted that a grown ass adult (she’s at least a few years older than me, i’d guess late 20′s/early 30′s?) would do something like that???? but anyway a few nights later iirc, once again in the middle of the night, i was woken up by a shouting match down the hall because apparently the male relative had come back to check in on who he said was his mother, and HE WAS PISSED, UNDERSTANDABLY SO, AT FINDING MY ROOMMATE IN THE MIDDLE OF PUTTING VASELINE ON THE FLOOR CREVICE UNDER THE DOOR. LIKE. THAT’S NOT JUST PETTY BUT REAL FUCKING DANGEROUS TO DO TO AN ELDERLY WOMAN. he basically shouted at her and she kept talking about how she can’t sleep for months because of the noise, and whatever, but she stomped back to our apartment and they had this argument loudly at the door (remember, my room was right next to the front door). i listened to it for a couple minutes wondering if she would like, acknowledge what she did was wrong? and it became clear that she was so focused on the noise she wasn’t listening to this dude, so i came out and i tried to be a voice of reason. the guy was understandably really pissed that she would do something like that and i apologized for her and said she was wrong to do that (she had stomped off back to her room meanwhile) and he seemed grateful to talk to someone who wasn’t batshit crazy in the meantime so he mentioned that he had grown up in this building all his life before moving out so it hurt to see someone treat his mother this way who had lived here for 50 years or something. and after that i was just thinking like, jesus, this is so not the kind of fight you want to have with a family like this as a white woman in a gentrified apartment complex. like at some point you need to realize this is not your fucking place and if you must settle things, do it civilly or just dip out entirely.

i think emily eventually apologized and he accepted and they found out that the tv wasn’t even coming from the woman’s room at all, but from someone on the floor above who THEY also had had problems with for months.

veronica was away on a trip i think during this climax, but before, while it was still escalating, i was talking with veronica and veronica mentioned she and emily had bitched about the noise to each other often, but veronica said she drew the line when emily basically started making her complaints race-themed ever since she found out the elderly woman was black. etc the complaints turned from “it’s too loud” to “this neighborhood is so ghetto” and “that’s what black ppl are like” and stuff like that. veronica wasn’t cool with that, so she planned on handling any other complaints herself directly so she could resolve things like a normal person, but ever since veronica mentioned that i knew emily was a pos

emily also complained about people partying/drinking on the street outside till ~11pm, which imo isn’t too unreasonable, like normal people do, and basically being too loud or whatever. on some level i get it cause she had to go to sleep early to go to work early, but also at some point i was just wondering how she functioned as a human being in the real world

ANYWAY THE STORY I TELL AT PARTIES IS THIS ONE, THE ONE IN WHICH SHE LEAVES (i will try to keep this as short as possible while still giving you all the details you need to understand just how fucking weird it was):

in early november, emily group messaged everyone asking if her boyfriend could come live with us. to her credit she said she wouldn’t do it unless everyone was ok, and she waited to hear back from all of us. i was out of town at the time but i remember being really put off by this idea and i was going to say no, when i noticed that my two other housemates had ALREADY said yes in the chat. just like that. i was stunned. what? like, no follow-up questions or “we dont even really know him” or “how is this gonna work”? were they fucking insane?

i messaged her privately saying i really wasn’t comfortable with it, for xyz reasons. among those being 1) rent, because nowhere did she offer to split the rent five ways instead of four (they were basically going to split her room between them, which, no). 2) fridge/living space, which was small enough with four people to one apartment as it is, and 3) just overall “i dont fucking know him” atmosphere. she messaged back saying she understood, and i got to asking why this was so important to her to do now, because she mentioned she wanted to do it “asap” if we’d said yes.

and this is where my “no” turned into “hell fucking no.” she told me this:

in response to my question of if she’d want to put him on the lease, she said no, she wouldn’t want her boyfriend on the lease in case “something happens so she could just tell him to leave” (raising my question: what, exactly, do you expect to happen? maybe the landlord, who lives in the building, finding out someone’s living here illegally? bc THAT WOULD DO IT FOR ME)

she was marrying him in december which is why she wanted it to happen “soon” so they wouldnt be living apart. i asked why she couldnt just wait until the lease was up to do all this, to which she said:

her boyfriend’s green card (he was russian) had expired so he was now paying month to month and that’s when i realized, oh. bitch he’s using you for a green card marriage and you’re trying to inconvenience all of us instead of owning your life like an adult, or something

at some point during the conversation she like tried to bribe me with a couple hundred extra dollars per month “to cover the cost of the extra utlities/wifi/inconvenience,” which i politely declined. this was when i said basically “look i never got the sense you particularly liked living here (massive understatement) and i think that it’d work out best if you moved out, which you’re clearly already planning to do”

and she did start looking immediately. at some point while she was looking i overheard her talking to veronica mentioning that he was a huge fan of putin and she’d asked him to like, politely, stop?, lmao because she didn’t like his entire yknow politics, and he basically said “i’m sorry, i can’t betray my personal/national identity, i just really believe in putin” or whatever the fuck and i thought to myself, this bitch is marrying him anyway for some godforsaken reason

i don’t know why i hoped that she would be any more considerate moving out than when she moved in, but somehow i was still surprised when the sublet she picked out was someone she never introduced us to or mentioned before, she literally just said “hey here’s your new housemate and when she’s moving in” and dropped us a phone number and facebook page.

one last thing: while emily was moving out, veronica mentioned to me that she was really pleased i stood up to her because she felt massively uncomfortable with the situation too. i asked why she didn’t say something, and she said she talked to emily privately airing out her problems, and emily had managed to talk her into accepting that sort-of bribe privately off message, and emily told her ‘just say yes’ in the chat, so she did and was kind of kicking herself for it after. (our other housemate was off doing fuck knows what at this point; she was gone for weeks on end leaving us to take care of her guinea pigs for her with little to no warning.)

but then, veronica says, the big thing that astounds her is that this wasn’t even the same boyfriend who she’d had when she’d moved in. six months had passed by this point. SHE HAD BEEN DATING GREEN CARD GUY FOR LIKE, THREE MONTHS WHEN SHE DROPPED THIS ON US

and then she moved to fucking harlem, one of the yknow most diverse neighborhoods in the city known particularly for its black heritage, so i guess have fun honey

(her replacement somehow turned out to be just as bad as she was, so you can imagine why i was eager for my lease to end in may)

[lala-baby]

just to keep track of this

verbal

insulting things she knew I liked or was insecure about as a “joke”, especially my body

constantly insulting my intelligence and saying that she’s never met anyone as stupid as me, including saying that nobody else did things I did (e.g choking on spit occasionally)

speaking to me in a demeaning way (“go be a good little bitch and do X” “you can give me £xx for that since you’re using it” “know your place, bitch”)

Angrily criticizing me for things that weren’t my fault (and in a lot of cases were actually her fault)

telling me she doesn’t want control of me despite her actions completely contradicting that

calling me a nympho if i showed any kind of sexual interest, and occasionally telling other people that i was to try to embarrass me (like veda/stacey)

yelling at me for petty things like if I got water on the worktop after washing up

calling me a man or saying I was manly to me/others, or referring to me as a troll or a hog

saying i was too sensitive if i said i didnt like her shouting at me/calling me names etc and she was just being “brutally honest” because i wouldnt listen to her otherwise

calling me a narcissist

calling me arrogant if i didnt listen/disagreed with her

saying i had selective hearing when i genuinely didnt hear her say something (she may not even have said it and just been fucking with me)

bringing up ancient grievances at every opportunity (e.g when i gently tried to suggest that she might be a hypochondriac because its not normal to constantly want to go to the hospital)

making threats about hitting me if i did something she didnt like

shouting at me for crying if she’d upset me

deliberately saying nonsensical shit to win arguments since it cant be argued with (word salad)

having to win at absolutely everything and generally being adversarial

telling me that i can do things/that she wont stop me but then getting jealous and angry making it too difficult to continue

calling me arrogant and saying i was deliberately ignoring her if i didnt hear her because i was concentrating on something on my phone, usually followed by threatening to smash it

Telling me I was a cunt

Being deliberately transphobic to try and upset me

Saying my haircut made me look like I had downes syndrome

physical

hitting me for fun and then telling me it didn’t hurt and I was a pussy, even if bruises formed afterwards and were pointed out to her (she just continued to deny doing it or laughed at me)

holding me down and forcing medication into my mouth, giving me a panic attack so severe she thought i was having an anaphalactic reaction and called 999

Forcing me to drink herbal cough medicine that tasted vile because she said it was the only one that worked for me, even when I didn't really have a cough

using her security training to restrain me for no good reason other than to demonstrate her strength, while telling me I was weak

not allowing me to, or making it too difficult for me to make my own food choices leading to me putting on a huge amount of weight

controlling my medication/using it as an excuse to gaslight me (“these meds are making you act like a cunt, im taking you to get them changed” if I said no or disagreed with her, dictating when i took them/what dose i took, telling me certain medications wouldnt work for me because they didnt work for her and that the prescriber didnt know what they were talking about)

picking her stank-ass belly button and holding me down and forcing her fingers up my nose (what the fuck)

biting me hard enough to leave marks

controlling when i was allowed to sleep and getting angry and calling me lazy if i was tired, but also often waking me up throughout the night insisting that i was snoring and had to turn over /go sleep on the couch

forcing me to sleep under a duvet even though i sleep badly with them and making a big fuss if i refused

“jokingly” burning me with a lighter (though not inflicting actual burns)

Sitting on me to the point of restricting my airways

Pulling my hair

sexual

holding me down and sucking/biting my neck painfully hard even when I was yelling at her to get off of me and had warned her beforehand not to do that because i hated it and it hurt me (and insisting that it wasn’t hurting me, then mocking me/being angry afterwards)

deliberately giving me love bites against my will in places i couldn’t hide them, especially if i was due to see my family to try to embarrass me

telling me that it was my own fault for not being relaxed enough if I wanted to stop penetration because it was hurting and continuing despite my discomfort; getting angry/frustrated if I continued to say no/still didnt enjoy it to the point where i had to wait until I couldn't take it any more to get her to stop

saying that the reason I couldn’t orgasm from sex with her was because I masturbated too much and “banning” me from it for months at a time, then accusing me of not following orders and lying to her if i still couldnt orgasm

putting me on a “sex ban” if I didn’t do what she wanted in day to day life

saying inappropriate things to others, including my parents, alluding to our sex life

having inappropriate conversations about my body with the elderly man we were caring for in front of me, despite knowing that he had sexually assaulted me in the past

angrily insisting that she knew what she was doing and I didn’t have to tell her if I tried to communicate about how things felt

insisting that she had brought me to orgasm when she hadn’t, and that she knew because she could “taste the difference” and I must just not have felt it because my body didn’t work right, to the point that I believed her and thought there was just something wrong with me

insisting that “all /none of the other girls I’ve been with were like that” to try and guilt me about things I had no control over (genital appearance etc)

financial

making me spend the weekends (friday to monday) with her but complaining that I used all her electric/water/etc. when challenged about how much it was actually costing she said i didn’t know anything about how much things cost because “mummy and daddy had always paid everything for me”, and wouldn’t stop being nasty/aggressive until I gave in

making me buy her food shopping with my savings /using my savings as a free resource to be dipped in to at any time when she had spent her own money

making me buy her things or contribute towards buying things for her flat (hundreds regularly) through guilt /empty promises of repayment/getting me stuff when i moved out

telling me that I only give a shit about money and that I’m obsessed with it if I tried to say no to any financial demands

pressuring me to pay for holidays for us on the understanding that she would provide the spending money, but using her benefits payment instead of saving up for it so I ended up having to give her more money after the holiday so she could still eat/pay bills

not bothering to pay her bills/debts, knowing that it would worry me and that i would end up paying them off for her

buying me presents I didn’t want or need as a way to control me (either through guilt or just buying me things like tracksuits that she knew i didnt want to wear but would feel obligated to because she wanted to control how i dressed), but then getting the money off of me for them to pay for her bills etc as she had run out

becoming angry if I tried to donate anything she had bought for me, including things like children’s toys that she insisted I needed for my “autism”

pressuring me to buy ostentatious gifts (e.g nintendo switch, televisions) for her niece and nephew, usually in the range of hundred of pounds, and then taking credit for it as if she had spent her own money (her justification for this was that she had already spent all of her own money on presents /food /etc for me)

refusing to save/claiming she couldnt save and was “happy as long as she had a fiver in her pocket” because money didnt matter to her, to the point that she had no savings and my family and i had to help her buy furniture etc for her flat

psychological/emotional

being nasty about aspects of my appearance until I gave in and changed it (e.g piercings, hair)

pretending that she had no control over her temper, to the point that she claimed to have “blackouts” of rage where she would come round having seriously injured someone but have no memory of it

telling me it was creepy that I kept my pets ashes and threatening to get rid of them/saying i wasnt bringing them with me when i moved in with her

accusing me off loving my pets more than I loved her, despite causing me to be unable to bond with them properly due to the constant stress I was under

telling other people embarrassing /personal things about me that she found funny, usually in front of me, to try and embarrass me

smugly telling me “I know you better than you know yourself” at every opportunity and generally eroding my sense of self

belittling my likes /interests and replacing them with what she wanted me to like /be interested in - everything from clothes to food to shower gel to music to who I was friends with

trying to convince me to use sperm donated from a fucking facebook page like some kind of insane person

planning to use me to have a child and then send me off to work so she could stay at home on her arse for the rest of her life but framing it as “you can go have a career and ill take care of the baby :)”

accusing me of cheating on her constantly with anyone she perceived as a threat to my obedience (e.g regan, sophie), despite her being the one constantly texting her exes (which i never had a problem with because i trusted her for some goddamn reason)

not allowing me to make friends with anyone she didn’t like and lying to me about them/their motivations to turn me off of them (she claimed to be a good judge of character) - again, regan and sophie

lying constantly in general but making it so that disagreeing with her or calling bullshit would make my life hell and it would get brought up weeks or months down the line

constantly telling me my breath stank (nobody else has ever said that and my dentist literally said my teeth are perfect last time i went), claiming it was because i only drank water and that wouldnt hydrate me (????) and constantly forcing me to drink tea or lucozade (neither of which i would drink given the choice) in large quantities

constantly talking about her work history and forensic history with a sense of pride(assault with intent, gbh, abh, criminal damage, etc etc) and about how badly she’d hurt people in the past, I think to leave me in no doubt as to her capabilities

warping my perception of reality by aggressively denying that things had/hadn’t happened, to the point that I didn’t know what was real and became dependent on her to tell me

using love as a means of control (“you’re meant to love me, I’m your girlfriend” if I tried to assert boundaries/did anything she perceived as insubordinate etc)

bagging up any belongings (except the stuff she wanted to keep for herself) I had at her flat and saying we were over and to come get my shit if I wasn’t obeying her enough

getting suspicious/irritated if I tried to take a bath or use the toilet with the door closed

constantly accusing me of hiding things from her

forcing me to strip naked to allow her to check my body for evidence of self harm

making me use her dirty bath water if I needed one, to “save water” (despite already taking money from me for the water bill)

trying to make me suspicious of the mental health professionals in charge of my care and make them seem untrustworthy or that their opinion was worthless (e.g saying they were wrong about my Dx, therapy won’t work for me, “you don’t have to do every little thing your care coordinator tell you to do it’s just SUGGESTIONS, they’re just trying to control you” etc)

insisting on coming to all my appointments with me so i didnt get to speak to anyone on my own

trying to control my family relationships, e.g making me phone my parents but ensuring that she was there to witness whatever was said, to the point that my family were afraid to voice their concerns about the relationship in case i cut contact with them

constantly posting cringey “romantic” bullshit on Facebook, including buying flowers etc for the sole purpose of showing off what a great girlfriend she was, and becoming angry if I didn’t respond in exactly the right way (not enough kisses etc) for “making her look a cunt ”

getting her niece and nephew to call me auntie lauren and constantly referring to me as her wife from only a few months into the relationship so that i would feel more committed than i was and less able to leave

blaming me and getting angry if the flowers she bought me died too early

getting angry if I didn’t sleep with the multitude of teddies she’d brought me/have them on display at all times and angrily demanding to know why she had wasted her money

constantly telling me that I was doing the things she had to me to do like an idiot, e. g hanging up washing, and taking it down and redoing it in a way that was not discernibly different

always threatening to break up with me if I didn’t toe the line, saying there was no point in us being together and that she didnt need me and wouldnt miss me, and that shed finally have less stress and a tidy flat

saying i was hard work and belittling my intelligence if i asked her how she wanted me to do one of the really specific chores she would make me do

badly neglecting her fish by not performing water changes or removing dead fish to the point that they would literally all die before going out and getting a load more, but not letting me care for them instead despite me pleading her and buying things to make it easier for her to do (e.g an expensive water testing kit that would have lasted her years); getting angry at me if i went behind her back to try to care for them by waking up early to do a water change etc and accusing me of being a smartarse for thinking i knew more about fish than she did when i literally studied animal management at college and actually did know more than her

using me like a slave to clean up her flat/do her washing up/take her mountains of rubbish out by angrily telling me that I had made the mess the previous weekend so she had left it waiting for me (this eventually lead to her having nearly 30 bags of months old rain soaked waste on her balcony one winter that she made me take down myself because “the rubbish is YOUR job and it’s your rubbish too, Ive only ever asked you to do one thing for me and you’re so lazy you won’t even do that blah blah blah”)

telling me to do important things “later” in a way that was framed as her being nice but was actually just more convenient for her /she knew would result in the thing not getting done because she didnt want me doing it

repeatedly breaking my toilet in Nelson House by insisting on flushing her tampons down sand saying that thats what you’re supposed to do, to the point that the toilet was eventually removed, then telling everyone I broke it by having a big shit. as sharing toilets was a mental health difficulty for me I had to suffer for months before being able to move rooms because of this

washing one of my outfits in with her own washing, acting all nice and then later saying that because she had done that for me I had to do a mountain of housework for her

making me go to a&e with her constantly (multiple times a week sometimes) and getting very angry at me if I tried to point out that she didn’t need to go; expecting me to go along with whatever lies she told people about what happened (e.g saying her blood pressure was extremely high and dangerous when it had come back completely normal)

forcing me to spend the weekends at her flat whether I wanted to or not, to the extent that my housing benefit and tenancy at nelson house was put at risk

alternately praising and demeaning my support worker depending on what she had advised me about our relationship (she was leas friend/flying monkey and would switch between saying lea was abusing me and that she was good for me)

making false accusations to the police and sanctuary about me “watching videos of babies being raped” on the darkweb in an attempt to get me to kill myself because i was starting to break away from her control

breaking up with me because i sent someone she didnt like a text after being banned from talking to her all weekend

banning me from talking to people and constantly checking to see if i was or not

taking an “overdose” (it was 25mg of diazepam lol) to try and get me to go crawling back to her

saying that I snored and forcing me to use all kinds of expensive and extremely uncomfortable anti snoring medication /devices, and then usually waking me up in the middle of the night and kicking me out anyway (but getting offended if i suggested sleeping separately from the start)

acting indifferent to my presence and alternating between saying she loved me and that she didn’t need me and wouldn’t miss me if i was gone

forcing me to disclose traumatic things even if I said i wasn’t comfortable speaking to her about it (guilt trips), and then using those things against me/miraculously having the same thing happen to her but ten times worse

gossiping about me with one of my support workers and using that support workers opinion to give legitimacy to her attempts to control my decisions

making me sleep next to the open bedroom door (in her usual spot) when i was unwell despite knowing it terrified me

blaming my behavior on diagnosis she had given me herself (“it’s your autism/bipolar” etc) and insisting i didnt have bpd because “thats just what they diagnose you with when they dont know what to do with you”

making me give her massages/wash her hair and body/squeeze her back spots/shave her legs /cut her toenails for her more or less every night and getting aggressive/sulking if i didnt want to

blaming physical ailments (that she demonstrably didn’t have and who’s severity /presentation changed on a very convenient basis) as an excuse to make me do things for her

putting me under huge amounts of pressure to perform “correctly” for her at all times or be harshly berated, ultimately driving me to attempt suicide several times because there was no escape from her nastiness

telling me that her family didn’t like me /disapproved of our relationship if she couldn’t get her own way and saying they wanted her to leave me because I was x y or z

Repeatedly telling a story about her dad (who has a violent history and had been in prison for attempted murder) threatening to burn down an ex girlfriends workplace and finding it hilarious that her ex was too scared to go to work for weeks

dismissing my concerns about anything as not a big deal or getting angry about me bringing them up, even serious things (e.g a sexual assault)

deliberately provoking me when I had told her to stop because my mental health was bad and i didnt feel able to control my reactions, because she enjoyed the drama /going to the hospital /getting attention from playing the long suffering loyal girlfriend role

only ever treating me with kindness if I had made a suicide attempt/done something dangerous to myself, and then using that against me later (”you put me through hell and im still always there for you so why cant you x y or z”)

blaming her being “in crisis” on me/my poor mental health (and not even being in crisis to begin with)

never saying sorry for hurting me, ever, even when proven “wrong” about something in front of impartial third party who insisted she should apologize for it

getting angry at me for googling any of the ridiculous things she said if I wasn’t sure it was accurate

making me go to a&e/doctors /mental health team when I didn’t want or need to be there because she enjoyed the attention she received as my partner

being angry at me for bring “constantly” on my phone and accusing me of texting other people instead of paying attention to her/whatever was on tv

getting angry if I didn’t want to watch whatever she was watching on tv (she would still be watching it but would get angry if I didn’t pay enough attention)

constantly trying to one-up me with her mental health/dismiss my concerns about how i was feeling and calling me self-centered because she had everything so much worse but was still “getting on with it”

demanding that i always answer the phone to her, and calling multiple times a day to keep tabs on me, usually keeping me talking for 2-3 hours daily whenever i wasnt staying at hers. it got to the point that it was pointless for me to try to do anything because i would start and then she would interrupt. if i didnt answer she would continually call the office claiming to be worried about me

trying to stop me from drinking, going to the extent of telling my parents she thought i had a drinking problem (i objectively didnt) because she didnt want me to spend time with a housemate she was jealous of because we actually had fun

expecting me to drop everything even when I was unwell to help care for an elderly man (who at one point sexually assaulted me), including regularly cleaning up urine/feces from the walls/floor because she didnt want to do that part, despite me saying that we werent trained and didnt have the correct ppe, and if we kept going above and beyond for him social services werent going to put a proper care plan in place for him. includes countless hours at hospital etc

buying me a shirt with a a swear word printed prominently on it and getting angry when I said it would be inappropriate to wear to a care home in case they kicked me out, and forcing me to do it anyway because she wanted brian (old man) to see it

lying about the value of gifts she’d brought me as a means of control/guilt (e.g earrings that she’d told me were £60, getting angry when i accidentally damaged one but when i went to get one fixed the guy said they weren’t worth more than £10 and would cost more to repair than replace)

insisting she couldn’t wait to rehome our cats (and taking the money for them despite the fact that i paid for them and their stuff) and giving them to a stranger despite knowing it would be a matter of weeks before i would be in a position to take them myself, because she couldn’t be bothered to look after them

deciding that we were getting guinea pigs (i wanted something else) and saying that caring for them would be split equally with one belonging to her and one to me, and that she would take them with her when she moved out, but only ever cleaning them once and then leaving me to care for them exclusively

complaining and calling me needy whenever i tried to show any kind of affection

accusing me of not trusting her when i did implicitly like an idiot

blaming all the problems in the relationship on me and whenever i brought up something that was upsetting me telling me that i did it to her too but worse

taking credit for me “getting gobby”/becoming less introverted and saying she was a good influence on me, despite having nothing to do with it (and that not being true, I was just settling in to the house)

having to sit in darkness because she wouldn’t let me open the blinds because she said having them open would damage her tv

if i was ever angry/irritated saying i was “hangry” and taking the piss, encouraging me to comfort eat and then acting smug when it calmed me down

saying that she hopes my friend dies and that she deserves to die when she was in a coma

trying to turn a mutual friend against me after she broke up with me, to the point that the friend refused to repeat what she'd said but told me she was dangerous and to stay away from her

expecting me to drop everything and make her cups of tea whenever she wanted, and making me remake them if they weren’t perfect /getting angry if I said i was busy

particularly saying i had to remake tea because it tasted like soap because i hadnt washed her cup up properly (she would use the same mugs continually until they were absolutely filthy and then leave me to wash them when i was there), often after I definitely had washed them properly but she just wanted to keep me in my place

playing on my fears (of guilt, abandonment etc)

convincing me to change my mind about what i wanted through compliments etc (e.g saying i looked much better wearing whatever she wanted me to wear)

expecting me to know what she wanted at all times without being asked and generally to be able to read her mind, and getting angry and claiming that i should know what she wanted because i was her girlfriend and that she always knew what i wanted and did everything for me blah blah blah

getting angry when i suggested couples therapy and saying it would be pointless because i would just blame everything on her

accusing me of “thundering around” and having heavy footsteps when i was just walking normally so I got so paranoid i had to tiptoe everywhere

refusing to clean up to the point that she got cockroaches, then refusing to acknowledge that it was because she kept leaving dirty dishes etc out and blaming it on her neighbours or on me, and then refusing to do anything about it so i had to pay for the poison and put it out repeatedly etc and make sure I cleaned up after her every time I came over so they wouldn't keep coming back

getting extremely frustrated when trying to accomplish simple tasks (usually diy related) but getting really angry and me when i offered help and accusing me of thinking she was an idiot (she was being an idiot a lot of the time, not reading instructions/using powertools in dangerous ways etc). it was scary and she would sometimes break things that i had bought out of frustration if she couldnt get them to work right (the cat cage & ball track toy for example)

refusing to prepare at all for when she moved out of nelson house so i had to do it, and then refusing to unpack her stuff at the other end in the hope that i would do that too

refusing to let me report an incidence of child abuse that happened in a neighbouring flat to hers because she was friends with the father and said the child deserved it

refusing to let me take the bus at times (she did pay for taxis for me but given the amount of money she took from me i might as well have been paying for them) even when i wanted to and acting like by not giving me a choice she was doing me a favour. in retrospect i think she wanted to know that i was going straight home

always asking me where i was, who i was with and sometimes accusing me of lying about it, either way trying to make my life hell

trying to encourage me to stay on my own and ignore my housemates but phrasing it in a cutesy way (just make a cup of tea and shut your door and have a nice night to yourself without any drama) so it sounded less like she was trying to be controlling

ringing me every night to confirm that i was in bed when i said i would be and making me video call her if she didnt believe me

telling me gossip about mutual friends that wasnt even true because she loved the drama (e.g saying venetias children had died because they had been born deformed)

constantly slagging off her exes and telling fantastical stories about how they broke up/stalked her/abandoned her/abused her and about the triumphant ways she got back at them

generally always telling incredibly unbelievable stories that made her look either “good” (e.g “taking down a squaddie in front of his mates”, sleeping with a nurse while both on duty) or made her out to be the illest (claiming to have had a psychotic break, coughing up a kidney stone)

virtue signalling with brian while also being controlling towards him/explaining things to him in a way that he would do what she wanted/saying “oh he won’t mind, he’d tell us to do it if he were here” when she used his card to buy us lunch etc (yeah he probably would have but that isnt the point)

getting angry if i ever discussed our relationship with anyone else, saying it was none of their business/i was trying to make her look like a cunt; telling me not to tell anyone after she did horrible things

promising things about the future and then never delivering any of it

saying that she wouldnt be the one carrying our children, trying to tell me that getting sperm from facebook was safe and generally treating me like a walking uterus

ending lies/false promises with “you know i will/do/am” to try and enforce to me that she was telling the truth

telling me to cancel holidays id paid for/not come over/generally throwing her toys out of the pram when she couldnt get her own way

forcing me to watch murder documentaries, usually about women being murdered by their partners, and getting way too in to it in a way that was a bit creepy

telling me my menstrual cup was disgusting and trying to force me to use tampons instead

making a big fuss about how she used to ~be an alcoholic~ and that she cant drink because it makes her a nasty person, and then buying a load of beer and vodka when the relationship wasnt going well and saying shed fallen off of the wagon because of me

constantly telling me i had BO to the point i was really paranoid (nobody else has ever said anything about it)

bullying me into letting her smoke in my room

throwing her rubbish on to my floor constantly because she was too lazy to pick it up, so i had to

constantly talking about how against domestic violence she was, saying she'd never hit a woman and how she had been a victim of it to make me think what she was doing wasnt abuse

doing small things for me that I found difficult because of my mental health (e. g phone calls) and then holding it over my head

telling me that i was incapable of love, and that the only person i loved was myself because of how selfish i am

deliberately killing two bees that I was enjoying watching by stomping them into the pavement then laughing at me when I was upset about it

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yallnve realized by now that this is a fulltime 100% narnia blog...and as i havent slept since finding out someone somewhere was set on making "the silver chair" into a movie & the dynamic world of narnalysis is the best i can offer,

first of all im like.........ya rly gonna just jump into the silv chair!! im not really interested w the details on what anyone plans to do with the content b/c i donno, ive never been really interested in the book. not because its like bad or anything, actually it's probably the most cinematic in terms of things actually happening at a steady rate. i just like what i like, maybe because its sort of lower scale? whatever. its not like its hard to make into a movie i dont think, is what im saying. that would be either the horse and his boy or prince caspian, probably the latter b/c like a genuine 1/3 of it is an expository flashback. but all of the books are bit tricky to adapt coz theyre just short, you have to pad basically all of them in some way or another. but sure. silver chair. w/e

the thing is that you Have to assume despite starting afresh that theyre doing this one since the first three books have been recently filmed? and this being the fourth. but How Are You Going To Just Jump Into This One. thats an awful lot of exposition thats being built on, at this point in the game we're neck deep in the Lore. you'd really just have to have read the previous books or at least seen the movies. are they counting on the audience to have done that? but at the same time its really not fair to fully rely on that. in the book you can go "read the other books" and wave it off in a sentence of "and then they explained it all" which does tend to happen in the actual text a fair amt. its a bit awkward in movie form though? its a plot point right off that eustace knows who prince/king caspian is. so then you have to sum up dawn treader. and that has to do with what happened in prince caspian, in which the plot of lww is pretty important. like, alright, possibly you could just explain tvotdt & take it from the perspective of the girl who doesnt know crap about narnia yet? but thats not nearly as good a starting point as lww. on account of that ones meant to be a starting point! i'll see scholastic / any publishings that try to push magician's nephew as the first book In Hell, frankly. strongest narnpinion right there. the published order over the chronological order

anyways i'm sure it can be figured out, its just.......Interesting to think how the silver chair intro might be made into Intro To Narnia v.2.0? will they even try or will it be "ok but seriously just have read the books or whatever before you come in here." mystery unfolds

another thing thats interesting is that lww is clearly abt like, hey kids here's a version of the resurrection for you. whereas silver chair doesnt have anything to do w any Biblical Events at all (tho of course neither does prince caspian, tvotdt, or the horse & his boy). it is instead about how atheists will try to steal your firstborns for.................reasons. (no reason, theyre just evil.) this one is just a major amplified version of another particularly ridiculous CS Lewis Apologism Favorite that runs through the books: that when it comes to having no Faith (in aslan but you know also the abrahamic god) everyone who doubts aslan/god is like, actively lying to themselves, because they have that Gut Feeling telling themself that their faith is not only whats righteous but also whats true. the gut feeling of truth is a big theme in the books, shit hinges on it all the time and makes doubt all Clearly Sinful instead of a reasonable result of aslan effing off for centuries or whatever. and speaking of, god only knows if lewis is really suggesting that real life doubt or nonreligiousness is 100% populated by people who are clenching their fists like "i know in my heart jesus is real but i dont want to believe it so i won't, damnit!" which yknow makes no sense for like....life, and uh? i dont know what its supposed to mean for like....other religions? i dont think he's about putting the nuance that not every concept of religious Faith is the same as in christianity into this book, i dunno abt his thoughts irl. lord knows its a mystery how he thinks that "if jesus wasnt lying and jesus wasnt Insane then christianity is real" argument means anything. nothing in the world fits that argument for finding out if something is true or not........and also it hinges on that concept of "insanity" which......like.......i'm sure is all about nice 1940s ideas of how "insane" people act. its shit, throw it out, i mean. and besides? as though theres a Logic argument to prove christianity as truth? have you just Solved religion, lewis? have you? sometimes, i swear..

anyhow so in the silver chair its just a big ol festival of his "atheists are lying to themselves" and "atheism starts by someone who Knows The Truth (jesus is real) lying to others, likely aka the devil or whatever, and the stand-in for the devil is a witch again." and lewis really seems fond of the allegory of the cave. smh! like, in that allegory "knowing" that your faith is true is impossible! but youre also out here arguing its logically provable? and don't forget the gut feelings thing. but it makes NO sense for him to drop it into this book universe because in this allegory the prince captured by atheists & the protags are people who have hopped into the cave and seen the sun and shit!! they dont need to be the people who have only ever seen shadows who need to be convinced that an outside world can exist!!! bitch!!! get your allegory in order. silver chair just.....lord. the lying babysnatching atheists

a n y w a y s . . . thats a weird conflict to put in your third act, and its also a weird argument to make re christianity, that even though you acknowledge its impossible to know that your faith is in something thats real, you're willing to risk it? its sort of like that idea that you might as well be religious even if you dont "believe" any religion is true, because you lose nothing and potentially gain both comfort in life and reward in an afterlife. but its kind of a big deal in christianity that you're supposed to believe that what you believe in Is Literally Real. maybe apologists are allowed to do that sort of thing in their arguments, i suppose. its like in the last battle where he has a dude who believes in another deity accepted into the christian afterlife b/c despite a lack of belief, his virtuous nature is, from a practical standpoint, accepted to be for all intents and purposes to be equivalent to having believed in the christian god, like if he happened to follow all other rules except the Believing In Jesus one then he's good to go anyhow. interesting in that its also supposed to be pretty vital in christianity that one has to accept jesus as god in order to be Saved all up into heaven! i suppose that guy in the book was meant to have been converted right before death or whatever. at that point its very unclear who is exactly dead or not, but probably everyone. still, aslan clearly makes the argument that "basically you might as well have been believing in me, so you're good to go." fascinating stuff. another one to ask lewis abt

uhhhh another point is that i think theyre intending to make other movies also? but not all four remaining ones!! and if i had to guess which one they'd be leaving out uhh lets say....the horse & his boy....................which conveniently is the other sort of sparsely plotted one. two kids ride horses towards narnia, briefly have to have a shenanigansy undercover sneak through a crowded city, ride towards narnia some more, and then one of them stays at some guys house while the other kid goes into narnian battle where he himself doesnt actually do anything, but that fact is described pretty funnily. its still sort of a fun one, on account of the sneaking around hijinx, and the fact that it happens to give ANY of the details of what tf the pevensies did for like the twenty years they reigned over narnia's golden age which the lww just tells you absolutely n o t h i n g about! the answer is: a lot of battling probably, on account of narnia went from being ruled for a century by someone who could kill you in a second and also why would you have invaded narnia at that time, it wouldve been like trying to invade russia. but then a bunch of kids took the throne and upended the whole system and the snow went away, it seems like a destabilizey time to invade or whatever. imo. but then again they mightve bought themselves a few years on account of aslan having shown up and all. but lbr, they were just put into battle right off and coronated three seconds later, theres no reason on that front that they wouldnt shy away from having more battles. and the books said there were a lot of battles. and in thahb, its like, well we've been battling a lot lately and now we're in shenanigans and we'll just have to battle our way out of it, which they absolutely do. edmund straight up decapitates a guy. how ARE they supposed to just transition immediately into english schoolchildren after a couple decades of that mess??? they even have the fancy courtly speech. its magic i suppose

the point is its kind of a fun book, oh also, aslan is TOP shenanigans in this one. he straight up actually attacks one of the protagonists, for Reasons, but still. not that he doesn't murder the pevensies in the last book. i mean, i guess you could argue that its just like Divine Coincidence where what with the unaligned timelines betwixt england and narnia, aslan couldve just picked the moment everyone was gonna die anyway and just tossed them over to X point in time in narnia. but I Donno.....im kinda with that university student who's stressing about whether aslan cause ww2 for the purpose of sending the pevensies to the wardrobe. like, that train accident that killed everybody killed four people on the platform & five people on the train in different carriages and everything, or maybe the numbers are switched because i dont remember where lucy was. im saying, that was a hell of a crash. but sure. anyhow, even more fun, aslan appears as a cat to the Other protag while he's spending a night on the edge of the wilderness, and scratches him for saying he once threw rocks at a stray cat. like, hard #same, aslan!!! wtf dude why arent YOU being claimed by satan

whats also fun is that it doesn't really take place in narnia, which is also the reason besides pacing that you wouldnt really want to make this one into a film? because uhhhh the whole worldbuilding lewis crapt upon everyone for calormen is clearly racist as fuccck. if you arent already familiar with all the books (namely this one and i suppose the last battle) then its like.....i guess its some sort of vague notion of the ottoman empire? its really just a mashup of any number of white-english-variety racist notions. everyone is brown, is it an inaccurate stab at an amorphous amalgam of middle eastern culture? east asian? are people islamic or hindu? just try and guess what he was going for because its just. not based on anyone needing to know anything about reality. lewis was against seasoning food i guess, because it will mention i guess like, people cooking with onions like the heathens they are. (spoilers: this country just exists in the narniaverse to represent Those Heathens). its not necessarily an Evil place, they are noble savages ok!! with their formal seriousness and cutthroat customs.......b/c they are not as advanced and peaceful as the white northern christians, see. closer to the less developed violence of their inherently backwards ways and Cruel Society reigned by violence DONT CONVERT OR YOU'LL DIE, KIDS. but also.....you wont be white? the reason of calormens existence is really never explained. telmarines came from englandverse on accident thru a magic portal just lying around, possibly thats whats meant to have happened there too? its never attempted to be explained. anyways its basically the intro to the disney aladdin.

lewis is entirely inconsistent and self contradictory all throughout the series for the sake of the authors convenience. this is part of what makes the stories fun and the worldbuilding charming. it is also what allows him to pull stunts that have you pinching the bridge of your nose in exasperation and writing out essays to try to figure out how narnia is supposed to work. it is also what allows him, five books in, to be like, "here is the country to the south where the demon-worshipping gross scary brown uncivilized folk sit around hating narnia and confirming any racist notion you have about any nonwhite nonchristian country or culture." thanks, clive

its of course ludicrous and, of course, the protagonist shasta just so happens to be white despite being raised calormene. spoilers, he is narnian. or really from archenland, which isnt narnia but is still white and pro-narnia so its alright. i mean, technically narnia is allied with calormen at all points in time of the series? calormen just quietly tries an invasion in that book and also in the last book. so thats interesting. i suppose lewis is anti-crusades, which is big of him. the pevs arent out here trying to conquer calormen and convert them to narnianism. so that must not be the Destiny of the true christian? or are we meant to believe calormenes are beyond help? shasta who is of course secretly not "really" calormene is still representing someone undergoing "conversion," yet again, the guy is white. i suppose being brown is whats hopeless?

theres an inadvertently laughable line at the start of the book where a calormene expositorially points out that shasta is white by comparing him to the "accursed but beautiful" narnians. who are all white? is he just talking about the pevensies? the archenlanders (i cant remember where theyre meant to have come from either.) are like, all humanoid narnian natives white?? wtf, aslan. anyways, the dialogue is unnatural and funny enough, but its also like.....ok lewis, we got it, whiteness is the standard for all universes and everyone wishes they were white. stupid, sexy narnians.

what alllllmost suggests that being a poc isnt an automatic fastpass to hell is that im fairly sure the second protagonist aravis is a nonwhite calormene?? i dont remember it ever saying she was "fair" like the narnians the way the book immediately points out that shasta is. she is of course escaping an arranged marriage (the calormene plot to sort of vaguely try to invade narnia is also based on forcing susan to marry a dude she doesnt like yet who she apparently genuinely considered as a suitor when he wasnt acting like a jerk? so not only a dude who isnt white but a dude who isnt aslanian christian. its a whole complicating element to just toss out in this otherwise flat af worldbuilding, dude!! not to mention? despite the battles and shit, susan was out here considering marriage? how absolutely fucked up would it have been if any of them married and then effed off back to england. moving along) but she is from the start portrayed as equally sympathetically as shasta and nothing about her is pointed out as being Bad and Reprehensible, which the narration has no qualms about doing. she even gets to spend some time with her calormene friend, who is not exactly meant to be as sympathetic or noble but certainly isnt portrayed as at all evil. like...theres at least the occasional exception apparently, in which maybe not every person is inherently evil and violent and cruel. who knows

also aravis definitely later marries the white protag?? but apparently interracial marriage isnt entirely Unthinkable here. wait, also, aravis claims to be somehow a direct descendant of the calormene god tash? first of all, is that true, comma, possible? in the last book its confirmed that tash is real, albeit, like, a demon. dunno what c.s. is telling us with that one. is aravis related to a demon. we can only guess on account of the theme of Inconsistency

anyways. i suppose you could make it into a movie if you just threw out the racist shit. but the "calormen is also distinguished from narnia via its religion" element is also a touch janky. can it be thrown out too? if they intend to produce the last battle, will it be thrown out then. it kind of comes up again. if you get rid of those elements though, the stakes get a little blurrier and more political and more "wait well why would they have any beef with each other in the first place" if you cant just easily point out that the calormenes are shaking their fists at the narnians and their demon worship and their jealousy at not being white. again, are all centaurs white or something? wtf

truly calormene is the most racist ass shit in the whole series, but the concept comes up in less painfully direct ways other times, too. why are there native species in narnia that are considered inherently evil?? sure, the white witch as the stand-in for the devil wasn't originally from narnia. was she creating shit too? i dont remember what she was up to on account of i havent read the magicians nephew in a hot minute. i know they had to take a pegasus into a garden of eden type shit to smoke her out of wherever she was lurking for some reason or another. still. whys there whole types of creatures who are universally and unilaterally condemned? i know we're meant to believe that they just have evil intent according to their nature, but uh....theres no point at which any of these creatures are given a chance? maybe they served the white witch because she was nice to them for once. you're not given the chance to know. EXCEPT for the fact that you get shit like: giants are evil save for the occasional exception, like in lww when a "good" giant is described as having like, a long family line, and "traditions." not like Those Sorts. they do talk in like prince caspian and shit, when their numbers are miserable and theyre discussing tactics, whether to get help from the gross hags and harpies and etc and ppl will talk about Those People and Sorts and Rabble and its like...jfc. b/c apparently sommme of them can be decent! if theyre a giant or whatever. and meanwhile the dwarfs are always chaotic neutral or whatever. not believing in aslan but not necessarily being anti-narnia coz they live there. but sometimes being good guys!! but sometimes being bad guys, and jadis was cool to them apparently. like.................theres definitely cases of Types of narnians who fall outside the "born good / born bad" system, and thats pretty fucked. wolves too? theyre the Talking Beasts aslan definitely created, but on the side of the white witch? how was she having trees be on her side, too? whats going on around here. whats the moral meant to be. smh

uhh well anyhow, you could do a nice essay on gender re narnia. on account of sometimes its staleass typical sexist tropes like uhh, say,, the devil stand-ins keep being women? witches, ok. and the idea of "women need to be protected as pure creatures" as a basic sexist notion, and even lewis taking a relatively subdued jab at the idea of calling that sexist. susan being the miniature mom character type, and of course the infamous last battle bit where, in an attempt to describe her lack of spirituality as a self-insert of what lewis considered his own period of fake maturity via rejection of christianity, she's of course not only described as not believing in narnia (which????? what is anyone supposed to make of that. again, in the allegory of the cave shit, she's been outside the cave!!! she lived in narnia for YEARS AND YEARS and then WENT BACK. how are we supposed to believe she just convinced herself it wasnt literally real? its not quite the same as someone losing their faith in christianity.) but as like, wearing makeup, damn her. even if he wasnt trying to make the point that "look at boys and go to hell" which, i suppose he couldnt, as in narnia susan was being courted just fine as queen, yet i suppose also she didnt marry anyone—anyways, of course its still sexist to slight the way she decides to dress as some form of false maturity, even if its meant to be metaphor. just clumsy af & not great when again, devils are always witches around here. and being younger is to be more spiritually pure which like............mmm ok. this is sort of another one of those weirdly sexless fantasy universes, why do those keep happening. i mean sure this is a christian fairy tale for kids. but nobody even gets married save for in the last paragraphs of a couple books. its left a bit ambiguous whether thats even spiritually acceptable in the narnia rules, unless its to Continue the Line a la the telmarine monarchy from caspian the first to tirian the whateverth. hm

but also of course you get the young girl characters being...somewhat almost allowed to fight (archery mainly) but anyways at least being given equal status to the boys who are there also. theres even mention of once apparently narnia being ruled by a queen w no kings around. fantastic. and theres some non-witch lady characters on occasion. the human characters are where the dynamics are most at, i suppose, but anyways this at least has some nuance & at times seems to go just a bit beyond what you might expect from some old dude in the 50s. still not that surprising or innovative, but not completely flat, and seeming to contain at least a little reflection upon the topic

the essay of race re: narnia would be really short though. Its Racist Af. if you threw classism in too, you might get a bit more length out of it. but really its just so flat in this subject, and totally needless. there's the fact that even narnia is ruled by white english people but.....you can really do without juxtaposing this with the heinous nonwhite country somewhere over there. the rest of the books operate just fine w/o this

tolkien mentioned HIS scary brown backwards civilization to the south a lot more fleetingly in lotr but its....v much the same worldbuilding as narnia??? aka middle earth is pretty much an imaginary proto-england where you dont want to go too far east or south or you run into dangerous &/or inherently evil territory!! ok, jrr.....who was the other people in the inklings?? what did they write. could no one rein these guys in. coz lewis is over here with his Alternate Universe england. with uhhhh wilderness to the north and west and the dangerous evilish racismland to the south. and the ocean and dont forget narnia is a flat earth to the east. also? why are the lone islands like that. can aslan take care of some of that shit. for gods sake. anyways. the all-white good guys / evil poc should be thrown out of everything, thats not what makes the worldbuilding in either lotr or chronarnia at all interesting. yet is it is surely a subsection of the inherent Englishness of both examples........it warrants analysis but not "carrying on into films or anything based on either's precedence in the fantasy genre."

god who knows what im talking about at this point. im just saying "if they arent looking to even bother trying to wrangle the horse and his boy into something not ludicrously racist then i wouldnt be at all surprised." still, do you suppose theres like a curse where unless all narnia books are given some sort of film adaptation, the world won't know peace? more likely the world would end, maybe. the curse of clive. i dont really remember but that elder bbc series sure didnt cover the whole saga

well this is long enough but lets all set off in more endless, doomed narnalysis, such as

my thesis on trying to figure out what. the Fuck any reader is supposed to make out of edmund's role in the lww

whats the deal with merpeople?!

where are all these witches coming from, anyways

seriously if the narnians were just less murderous to the Undesirable species would they have been on the pro-aslan side all along

if there was only two humans staying in narnia at its birth, wouldnt their line like, die out immediately with their kid.

where did the archenlanders come from

where did the calormenes come from

oh yeah and like. are we seriously meant to believe that, at the end of the world, when aslan reveals that being goodnatured supercedes having the Wrong Religion, there is only one calormene in all of a) current existence and b) history who fits the bill? really. why even bring it up, then.

how did narnians react to their four monarchs completely disappearing......for real.....and what happened to the line to the throne?? was there just no ruler until the telmarines came in and took things over for the rest of the few centuries or whatevs.

when was that deep magic in lww written? at the start of narnia? coz thats the magicians nephew. again, how tf did the white witch get any leverage in that one. how was that supposed to be a good idea. wtf. see my thesis

whats the white witch supposed to represent as a stand-in for the devil? not helping that i dont remember the details of magicians nephew for shit, but she's definitely in the Multiverse lore of narnia as being from a different world as narnia and england. wtf is like...her nature

how weird is it in narnia that you have a god who drops in confused alien children to both go on personal journeys and save the world? is narnia-aslan/earth-jesus also dropping other children from other worlds into other other worlds? via other forms? hmm

lewis is all but inviting us the readers to be filling in the blanks with narnia fic. he's basically like, outright actually inviting fic with people wanting to speculate what happens with susan, who must inevitably return to narnia as lewis intends her to represent his own departure from (and obvious inevitable return to) christianity

a weird detail that is also never elaborated on: in addition to the narrator freely inserting loads of opinions into the narration, there's a time or two its made clear that like, the narrator has gotten this info from interviewing the characters. how'd you know about that last battle, "they all died and this happened in the afterlife" shit, huh. just another weird element

sussing out other lewispinions, like how he hates all schools apparently

narnia vs middle earth!! both quasi englands, both pre industrialization, both with christ figures running around some more than others, both with the need for rightful kings, totally different roles for humans tho. well, thats the whole comparison

and, inevitably, more.

[sugakookiessss]

tagged by @01bri . thank you so much!!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: peach green tea from starbucks 2. Phone call: my mom 3. Text message: my friend viviana bc i was telling her about this old lady giving me the stink-eye for blasting celia cruz out the car lol 4. Song you listened to: tequila by g.soul

5. Time you cried: last night over how good haechan looked in cherry bomb (REBLOG IF YOU AGREE LMAO)

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: nope, and wouldnt want to. if we broke up we gonna stay broken up lol 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: havent kissed anyone 8. Been cheated on: nope 9. Lost someone special: yes, sadly 10. Been depressed: yup, but i think my depression is well handled now 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah man, im a child of jesus 

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: maroon/crimson, forest green, & dusty rose

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yes! 16. Fallen out of love: lol, never been in love 17. Laughed until you cried: every damn day lmao 18. Found out someone was talking about you: mhm, and i shut that shit down real quick. dont mess with a cuban/italian lmao 19. Met someone who changed you: my friend caleb 20. Found out who your friends are: yes, and im glad i have. i dont need any more negativity in my life 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i think pretty much all of them except for like 5 or so 23. Do you have any pets: i have a cat named sammi and he is the spawn of satan LMFAO 24. Do you want to change your name: i used to when i was little because i thought it was boring, but now i really like and appreciate it 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i went out with two friends for lunch, and then we blasted suavemente and danced in the best buy parking lot at like 10:30 at night XD 26. What time did you wake up: around 1:30pm. it wouldve been later but my mom said she brought home mcdonalds lol 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: facetiming my friend viviana and crying over how good haechan looked in the cherry bomb mv 28. Name something you can’t wait for: GRADUATION!!!!!!! SENIOR YEAR BITCHES LETS MAKE IT GOOD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 5 mins ago lol

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: bring my friend caleb back 31. What are you listening to right now: myself typing this long ass q&a post lmfao 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: idk probably 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ignorant and uneducated people like ughhhhhh 34. Most visited websites: probably youtube, my online course website, and buzzfeed bc i love to procrastinate by doing a quiz when i should be doing my classes lol

35. Mole/s: i have like 3 on my neck ( 2 of them are close together so it looks like a vampire bite, i know its dope asf lmao) 36. Mark/s: i have a bunch of beauty marks/freckles all over my body, plus scars on my legs for being a complete idiot as a kid who thought she was fucking superman at the playground XD 37. Childhood dream: to become a marine biologist, or go to hogwarts (idgaf about marine biology anymore, but im still pressed i never got my acceptance letter to hogwarts) 38. Hair color: naturally blonde, but its dyed to a redish-brown now 39. Long or short hair: medium-long hair 40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope, all the boys at my school crusty asf 41. What do you like about yourself: my sense of humor, my sass and wittiness (basically my personality in general), and my eyes 42. Piercings: 2 on each lobe 43. Blood type: idk but i think its AB 44. Nickname: tori and grandpa lol 45. Relationship status: single and an independent woman who dont need no man 46. Zodiac: taurus/gemini cusp 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: rupauls drag race, and impractical jokers

49. Tattoos: none yet, but when i turn 18 next year im getting one for my bday and more down the line

50. Right or left hand: leftie! 51. Surgery: none, thank jisoos 52. Hair dyed in different color: shit my hair has been the whole fucking rainbow lmfao. ive dyed it red, magenta, pastel pink, dark blue, red/brown, and purple.

53. Sport: i used to play volleyball and basketball but i ended up breaking my ankle so its difficult to run around now (also im a lazy piece of shit too lmao) 55. Vacation: i just recently went to savannah, ga & washington d.c to see some family (me and my cousin binge watched the harry potter series the whole time it was lit) 56. Pair of trainers: im guessing we talking about sneakers. the only nice ones i got are my adidas, the rest are like converse and keds lol

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: i had sushi for dinner. blessed the fuck up 58. Drinking: peach green tea from starbucks lol 59. I’m about to: finish working on my english project (kill me pls) 61. Waiting for: monsta x first win (wow i love triggering myself) :) 62. Want: PEOPLE TO STOP SLEEPING ON MONSTA X SO THEY CAN GET THEIR FIRST WIN FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD ASDFGHJKLDKDFK 63. Get married: i dont think i want to get married bc i dont like feeling like im held down. maybe when im on the verge of becoming a crazy cat lady i’ll reconsider lol

64. Career: music producer, psychologist, or private investigator

65. Hugs or kisses: i dont really have a preference but i guess hugs 66. Lips or eyes: EYES! 67. Shorter or taller: i would like someone taller than me idk just bc

68. Older or younger: older, but not by too much. i think the max would be like 5 years older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: IM A SUCKER FOR SOME NICE ARMS LIKE SDJSDLKNAFGK;FKFd 71. Sensitive or loud: LOUD. i cant have someone too sensitive it would drive me insane. i have a really strong personality, so if you sensitive as shit you’d probably cry just bc i looked at you lmfao 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: probably somewhere in the middle. i dont want someone who is too scared/hesitant to do anything fun, but i dont want someone who will put me in a lot of bad situations. just a little mischievous lol

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: possbily vodka oF COURSE I HAVENT I AM A CHILD OF JESUSSSSSSSS 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: my grandma freaking threw my glasses in the trashcan when i asked her to hold them while i went to play basketball with my neighbor 77. Turned someone down: many times lmao 78. Sex on the first date: no 79. Broken someone’s heart: possibly idk 80. Had your heart broken: by my biases bc they dont know i exist :’) 81. Been arrested: nah, and lets keep it that way lol 82. Cried when someone died: of course, im not that heartless 83. Fallen for a friend:i dont think i have

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: 100% 85. Miracles: no

86. Love at first sight: lmfao no 87. Santa Claus: when i was little 88. Kiss on the first date: depends

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: ayszha 91. Eye color: hazel 92. Favorite movie:harry potter and the order of the pheonix

NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE:

@won-markiepooh-woo @joshuahxng-kong @owopinky @echoayszha @puppyoongs @shownu-the-muscles @skittleluver101 @trollintraining @blockbyung @u-r-my-bias @puervy @tahyungs @jinn1e @min-yoongle @ole-dole-peaches @minyoong-ii @spidermalfoy11 @johnnys-hypewoman @sunshine-hoseok @joishua

(pretty much just tagged my mutuals. you dont have to do this if you dont want to, and if i didnt tag you and you would like to do this tag go right ahead!)

[rosekun25]

Fourteen Reasons why.

 April 9th, 2017

Dear Tumblr Diary, 

I’m watching “Thirteen Reasons Why.” 

I haven’t read the books since middle school. But my cousin from my Dad’s side of the family sent me the book I think a year ago.  Life always has a way of foreshadowing. I swear it does.

Anyway I’m reading the book too, putting off getting my food handler’s card because fuck that shit. 

Anyway Im watching this and its kind of triggering. I havent watched the part where she kills herself but I imagine I’ve seen worse. 

There’s a video I’ve seen Here’s a link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_PdYb0EL-Y

Anyway so far that part has hit me the most. 

I mean, It has. After I got out of the hospital nobody asked me if I was okay. I had to lie. I lied about everything so I wouldnt get sent away longer than they needed me to be away. 

I lied and said It was because I missed my great grandma instead of telling them it was because my world had shattered and nobody could hurt me anymore. 

I lied about the pills. I took 96. Well thats now many were in the bottle. I told them I didnt know how many I’d taken. I just lied lied lied lied lied. I didnt tell anybody why I did it. 

aTLEAST Until they couldnt send me away anymore. 

So here are fourteen reasons why I wanted to kill myself 

14. I felt like I’d do it sooner or later. 

I mean it was really weird. I’ve had depression for most of my earlier childhood. I remember not thinking I’d make it to 20. But here I am. I remember wanting to get married and have children but I didn’t actually think I would live long enough to actually do it. I mean I didn’t think I’d finish High School. 

13. I wasn’t beautiful. 

At least I didn’t think I was. I thought pretty girls were 100 pounds, blonde and didn’t have to worry about anything except which husband they wanted.  I guess I was sort of insecure. But not in the sense that I thought I was ugly. Just in the sense that I wasnt  beautiful. 

12. I was starving myself.

Well I don’t really remember this part. I just remember I was really really hungry. The doctors there said I hadn’t eaten for a month. But Im not sure that’s accurate. I mean I must have eaten at some point. I remember I drank tea.  But anyway. I guess i was displaying “Anorexic tenancies” or whatever I was half asleep I didn’t listen.

11. I wanted to die. (duh)

But it wasn’t in the sense of me actually wanting to die.  I mean when you’re young you learn about the circle of life, you watch ‘Lion King.’ Mufasa dies and you learn you wont be around for ever. I guess I just ’ wanted to hurry up and do what I was supposed to. 

10. At the time, my life sucked dick. 

I remember it. I was horribly depressed and doing my best to hide it. I remember I wanted nothing more than to just be held like a baby and told everything was going to be alright. But it wasn’t. There was a point in my life where I kept everything to myself. Everything. Even stupid shit like “Where do you want to eat?” or “Are you hungry?”. I just felt like I had to. Keep everyone safe, dont let anybody know you’re suffering sort of thing. 

Anyway my life sucked dick, because I was always hungry never sleeping and I was overworked. I also was verbally abused at my job. To the point where I would want to cry whenever I walked in the store. But more on that some other time. 

I also hated T or  C. If Im going back there. Im going back in a body bag. 

My Home life also sucked dick. I remember not having hotwater in the bathroom. I remember being cold every night because they refused to pay more money to turn up the thermostat. If I wasnt cold. I was so Hot. There were ants everywhere. On my clothes. In the kitchen. EVERYWHERE. I wasnt allowed to leave my house either. I couldnt just get up and go I wasnt allowed to leave except for school and work. I couldnt leave and it drove me fucking mad.  I didnt have much food to eat, If there was food it was all gobbled up by my fat ass Grandfather who liked to steal my things. I still dont know what he did with most of it. The dryer didnt work either so I’d have to go to school in wet clothes that were freezing. I hated it. Oh and not to mention every morning I’d wake up to screaming. Always screaming. Nobody could ever say “Good Morning Rose, you’ve to wake up now.” No. They were too busy screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, 

9. I was so tired of everything. 

I was. Really. I still kind of am. Im tired of having to work all the time and having no money. I was tired of waking up every day and going to a school. I feel like I would have liked school better if I didnt have to wake up early and put up with all of that bullshit. 

The bullshit I am tired of here has literally went from 95% to maybe about 15%  Professors are honest with me, My coworkers all do their jobs and I dont get in trouble if they don’t. Really Imagine, getting in trouble because one of your coworkers didnt do their job right. 

The only bullshit I have to deal with is making sure I have enough hours. Which if you ask me isnt a biggie, also I make enough to take care of myself. Which is a lot better than where I was before. 

8. I was going insane. 

Now I know what you’re thinking “Omg, yeah sure whatever Rose. Everybody on Facebook likes to pretend they’re crazy for attention, Change your picture to Joker and Harley just to add edginess. 

But no. It was stuff I dont want to dicuss with you. I had horrible dreams and I wanted to do some horrible things. In a way, I honestly thought if I killed myself I would save everyone.  I still dont remember what I wanted to save them from. 

7. I didnt have any friends. 

Now again I know what you’re thinking, “This bitch is tripping. She won Homecoming Duchess and Princess at the last dance!” (  Side Note: I also went on to win Prom Queen. But Everybody voted for me because I wasn’t allowed to run for homecoming queen because I tried to kill myself in the Bathroom.) 

I didnt have a Best friend. I didnt have somebody who hung out with me or came to my house specifically to play with me. I worked too much or somebody who ate lunch with me because they wanted to and not because I’d integrated into their little group because one of the members felt sorry for me and wanted to be my friend again. 

I knew a lot of people. But I was fiery, Passionate and emotional. People were afraid of that. Either that, or they didnt care enough to try and understand it. 

6. I was suffering from an unDiagnosed Mental illness 

It was Borderline Personality Disorder.  It was making me crazy. 

I still dont understand what it means. 

I know it means. 

But I dont understand it. 

5. I missed my Daddy. 

There. I said it. I FUCKING SAID IT. 

In my family, I was supposed to pretend he didnt exist. We all were. We didnt have Dads. We were just born. You know i didnt accept my Step Dad until My Dad stopped coming to see me. But what does that matter? I mean I wasNT  A BOY. HE DIDNT FUCKING WANT A GIRL. HE PROBABLY HAS 80 BILLION FUCKING DAUGHTERS! HE DOESNT NEED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!

But how am I going to forget the man who hated it when I cried? The man who bought me all of these presents because he knew he was never going to see me ever again. The man who bought me my first Barbie Car, my Hamtaro doll and my pretty Amethyst Birth Stone Barbie. All because he fucking knew he was never going to see me again. 

I havent seen him since I was two.  But I remember waking up in my hospital bed with Leslie telling him he had to talk to me because the doctors said they didnt know if I’d make it. I heard my auntie tell him in spanish and then he said “I dont talk to anyone who isnt blood.” and I wished I would have died again and again and again. 

4. I wasnt afraid to die. 

I mean honestly who is? Im Catholic now. I understand its the circle of life. Ive seen Lion King. But I honestly wasnt afraid to die. 

Here’s my philosphy on Religion and Death and everything 

If you’re a buddist and you die. You go do Buddist stuff. Buddist heaven, Buddist Hell. 

If you’re Jewish and you die. You go to Jewish Heaven because there isnt a hell. 

I know in church they tell you not to believe in other gods. But God mentions in the Holy Bible several times. So Meh. 

But I wasnt afraid to die. Im pretty sure my life had been clean and the only sins I really had were Hating my parents and Premarital sex. God wouldnt send me to hell for that. So I thought I’d go to heaven and party with Kurt Cobain

Because when a kid with Cancer dies, God doesnt send them to hell for dying of Cancer. So why would he send me to hell for succumbing to my depression? 

I mean atleast even if He was the God I think he is. 

3. By this point I was honestly sure nobody cared. 

The English teacher who carried me to the ambulance cared. I’m sure of that. 

But I mean nobody cared. I remember coming home to no food in the refrigerator and thinking “Oh well they’re making it easier for me now.” I remember nobody ever asking how I was.  I remember feeling numb I remember waking up that morning and deciding I was going to give life one last Chance. I’d missed the bus that morning and I had to call my  Grandmère to give me a ride to school because My Mother wouldnt teach me how to drive because she didnt want me to run off with my boyfriend and be happy. 

Because I guess bragging rights about your kids going to college are more important than your kids actually being happy. I’ll remember that when I have kids. If I live to have kids at least. 

Anyway I remember forgetting to take the pills out of my backpack. Im sure there’s an alternate universe somewhere where I did take them out of my backpack and I just went home early that day instead of killing myself in the bathroom. But hey what about the alternate universe where Hitler cured Cancer?

Nobody cared. Thats the point. Obviously if nobody noticed I was starving myself. If nobody noticed any of the signs that I displayed. 

But of course they all showed up to the hospital and cried crocodile tears. Then they yelled at me again as soon as I woke up. 

2. My life was over. 

“But you were accepted into NMSU! You were graduating Highschool! You had your whole life ahead of you!!!”

Did anybody ever think for just a second that I didnt want any of that? Honestly! Everybody was so proud. Nobody stopped and asked me if thats what I wanted to do. Because it sure as hell wasnt. I didnt want to go to college. Twelve fucking years of a system that made me kill myself in the Bathroom and you wanted me to do  eight more years?!  I wanted to get married and have babies. But I had to. You understand. I had to. I couldnt be like my sister. I couldnt stay in Highschool forever. I had to go to school because Men are useless now and I couldnt just get married out of highschool because as soon as they leave you’re going to need to take care of yourself! But I didnt want that. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids. 

1. Chance left.

Honestly this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could see it coming though. Yeah, I made fake accounts to try and talk to him. Yeah I was a thirsty hoe (Symptom of BPD btw). Yeah I kind of texted him until right before I did it. I mean I was 18 of course I was obsessed. He cared. He would kiss me goodnight, He would try to get me to eat but I never would. I wanted to be pretty for him. I wanted him to love me. He did for a moment. You know love is like a drug, A drug that makes you happy every day of your life. Even if all you do is fight. Maybe its because I’d never loved anybody before him. Not even my Mother.  When I lost that happy bubbly warmth. I wanted it back. I was so desperate to get it back. I didnt notice. I didnt notice all the terrible things that happened. I looked over all of the mean words, and abusive flags. None of those mattered, as long as I got that feeling of being warm, loved, safe, and protected. Because it made me want to live. If I couldnt live. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and be with that feeling forever. 

Maybe things would have changed if I had realize what a fucking scum bag he was earlier. 

Am I still Suicidal? Yes.

You cant turn it on/off contrary to the belief of everyone around me. I’ve been suicidal since I was a little girl. But will I do it again? I cant promise I wont.  

 Fourteen Reasons why  I want to live. 

14. I’m happy now. 

I dont know if I could consider this as happy as I want to be, I mean Im still single. I have no children. But I’m happy. I dont have all the money in the world but I can go get Starbucks. I can go out and eat If I want to and that makes me so happy. It makes me so happy to have access to food. 

13. I love my apartment. 

I love my apartment. I love everything about it. I do. Except the rent payment lol. I love that I can literally do whatever I want in this little one bedroom place. I love it. I love keeping it clean, I love putting up whatever I want on the walls and I love love love it so much. Im so warm and happy and there is always food here. 

12. I love where I live. 

I love my town. Its big, its bright and i can get whatever I need to. I can go to walmart again whenever I want and I dont have to beg anybody to take me through the drive through or pay anybody to take me to the mall. I can go see movies and see the world. I love the world. I love the grass and the trees and the warmth of the sun. I can sit on my porch for hours, I can watch the rain, I can go outside. I CAN GO OUTSIDE!!!! 

11. I love being free. My freedom is my most precious possession, I don't want to die if I can be free. 

 10. I don't want to die until I find that person. My whole life I've been told There's a soul mate for everyone. When I think about suicide. I think about being dead, in a way, Death was freedom for me. But part of me doesn't want to leave that person alone. I can't. If He was made for me . Then he's like ME and if he is then I don't want to leave him alone. 

9. I have food. 

I know what you’re thinking “Whatever, I have a frozen Dinner in the fridge. Does that make me not suicidal?”

I have food to eat. Like I do. I dont have to scrounge around my house for a packet of Ramen or hiding a can of soup under my bed and praying it would be there when I woke up. I can wake up and eat whatever I want. I can make dinner and sometimes I just stare at all of the food in my refrigerator and smile. 

Side note, It’s now May 12th, school is over. Im trying really hard to finish this. It’s triggering. Like, Hannah Baker, Everything she does. I can see myself in her.  I could deal with the books. I could deal with the books because I had borrowed my friend’s book and typed the alternate ending and stuck it in my book. I visualized it in my own way. Now seeing it. It’s triggering. Did anybody notice? Did anybody try to? 

What about when I did it? Did anybody think? Did anybody try and look after me. I mean nobody noticed me stop eating so I doubt anybody noticed me writing wills in my psychology class, or me writing my suicide note over and over again. 

The final draft only had a few words by the way and nobody read it. 

They didnt even read the instructions I left for them incase I survived and had to go to the hospital which is why I had to wear the same clothes I wore when i did it. Which absolutely sucked. But i was glad I was getting out of the mental hospital, so there’s that. 

I still dont understand why shit like this cant happen in real life. I dont understand how people can make people suffer so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer.

This is really hard to write. I have to think of reasons I want to live instead of reasons I want to die. That’s hard. I want to die. Im so sick of this. But I dont want to die. I want to live.  

In a sense, I really feel like Hannah Baker. Because She wanted to live, she wanted life and happiness but she just dies at the end. I wonder if that will happen to me? 

I’ve had people ask me if Im sure I should even be watching a show like this. But I have to. I have to finish it. 

I read the book I know what happens. But I have to finish it for myself. 

8. Kingdom Hearts III will come out (Eventually) 

I have found joy in video games once again. I mean. Ive always loved video games. But I was playing South Park Stick of Truth again and I liked it. I liked it a lot and I wanted to... I wanted to play it so much. 

I’m sure they have video games in heaven but i wonder do they have midnight release parties? Do they have endings that arent perfect?  

Im sure they do. But being alive for them is different. 

Eventually though. Kingdom Hearts III will come out. Eventually.  Ill get to play it. Maybe Ill get to play it with my grandchildren and teach them about Sora, and Kairi, and Riku. 

7. I want to be a Mother. 

Thats all I’ve ever wanted in life. Really. I just want to hold my baby and raise her/him. I dont want them to have to come home and wonder if there’s food to eat, or if the house is going to be warm or when Mom is going to come home.

I want to have children and teach them and give them love and warmth and make them safe and give them everything I never had in life.  Like love, and chances. Chances to make something of themselves in a way I never could. 

6. I want to live to be an annual passholder at Disney 

I mean I’ve been to Disneyland Nineteen times and this summer it will be 20.  But I want to be able to wake up one day, have the day off from work and ask my kids if they want to go to Disneyland instead of school. I want to go there and have a great time and not have to worry about school or work or depression or anything.

5. I really want to do my bucket list. 

I mean there’s lots of cool stuff on it. But I’m sure they have most of that in heaven. But  I want to do it before I die. Like I want to visit Euro Disney in person and hang out in France. I want to walk up and realize I’m going to see the Little Mermaid on Broadway tonight. I want to be able to tell everybody about what I’ve done and inspire them to do the same thing.

(Update: It’s June now. I have to finish it. I had to stop. It was getting bad again. Really bad. I’m ready now. I really am.)

4. I want to get married.

Honestly thats been my life goal since I was a baby. That and being a ballerina but appertanly my dreams dont matter enough for us to stay in a place I could actually achieve them. I want to have a big fancy wedding which will probably dumb down to me getting married at the court house which I am totally fine with. As long as I am officially married and we honeymoon at Disney. 

Jesus Chirst I cant do this. I really cant. I fucking cant. . .  Why? WHY am I here? Why did I live? It’s fucking impossible did you know that? Am I still alive? Am I dead? I wont fucking know! I’m so much happier now! I really am. But I cant do this. I fucking cant. Why? Why am I alive? Why did I live? SO I could pay bills for the rest of my life? I hate being broke. I hate not having any money. I spent 20 dollars today to go out to lunch and that was a luxury. I couldnt afford that. Especially with all these bills. Why? Why is it so expensive to live in a 3rd world country with Iphones? Why? I dont have a car I have to ride the bus everywhere and spend a billion dollars on fucking everything. WHY? Why? I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate having to be mad at myself for going to the mall and spening 11 dollars. ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS! I bought a keychain today. I bought a keychain today and I wasnt supposed to do that!  I love my apartment, I love it, I wont leave it unless I’m in a body bag or leaving with my husband, But i dont understand WHY?! Why? Why do they want everything I have? Everybody just wants money. Everything is just money money money money, do I Have enough? WIll it last? Will I be able to do something with it? Why do you want all of my money? I can barley afford to live and everybody wants to make it fucking harder than it already is!!!!!!!!!! I cant do this. I really want to die. But i really want to live. I really want to live. But i cant live. 

3. I want friends. . .

I want best friends. I want the kind of friends where you all can just hang out together and do stupid shit. I want inside joke kind of friends, I want the sort of friends that make fun of you but you know they dont mean it. I want a specific place for us to hang out and laugh and live. 

2. I want to be infinite. 

I dont mean immortal. I mean I want to do things. I want freedom. People have freedom given to them while others have to fight for it. I want to take a roadtrip. I want to eat at gas stations with somebody and travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the world but i’ve been locked up in this FUCKING TOWER for so long and now i’m afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to live because I’ve never been able to live before! Why are people born free when I could not leave my house to get the mail? 

1. I want to experience love. 

I have never loved anybody. For a moment, I thought I loved Chance. But I realized, you cant love somebody who has never loved you. So i didnt love my Mother, or My sisters and brothers or my grandparents. That wasnt love. It was forced affection. Because when you love somebody you make sure they’re in the car before driving away and asking if they are. If you love someone you dont kick them out of your car. If you love somebody you offer to take them home instead of letting them sit in 32 degrees watching their spit freeze, while you let your family treat them like shit just like you did. 

But I want to experience love. All kinds of love. I want to know why people like it so much and why the feeling is so euphoric. I want to be held and treated like I am a treasure. Like I am worth something. 

Is that love? I will find out one day. I want this. Even if its the only thing I will have. I want it. 

~

I’m on the second to last episode now, 

I wonder if the author wanted us to feel bad for people we’ve slut shamed.  I wonder if we’re supposed to think about it that way. 

I dont know about you but I hate fake people who pretend they’ve killed themselves.  I mean I know its a cry for help. But I wish they would go and talk to somebody instead of insisting they sliced their wrists 80 times and got sent to the ER even though their wrists are scarless and havent look liked they were cut ever. 

My therapist once sent me to the ER because I told her I was feeling suicidial. 

I thought that was utter bullshit. 

Because all I had learned to do was lie. 

Why are you suicidal honey? *Sniff* My greAT Gran died and I miss her so much and I wish I could talk to her and hug her. Oh baby it’s gonna be okay, Derek she’s not suicidal get her out of here. 

See? Then at my next therapy session I had to lie to her and tell her I wasnt suicidal. Which was another lie. 

Anybody who has ever asked me about my Great Grandma Elisa knows I hated going to her house and I didnt like her. I’ve never liked her. She was so mean to me. She really was. 

But i cant say I cried crocodile tears at her funeral. Or when They woke me up and told me she wasnt breathing and I knew she was dead, and I cried in my sleep. Something I didnt do, and didnt start doing until it was getting really bad again. 

Isnt that funny though? How i learned to just lie to everybody instead of telling the truth? 

~

I’m on the last episode now. 

I cant make you believe how many times I had to stop this and step away for a moment. 

It was honestly too realistic. 

Like just the things she said 

“I decided to give life one more chance.” 

I remember thinking the exact same thing. 

and watching it blow it. 

Thats always how my emotions have been. 

Hannah is stealing razors now.

I remember the day I bought the sleeping pills specifically to kill myself.

I didnt tell my Mom that. I told her I was having trouble sleeping which was true. 

I remember telling kids I thought I was taking too much.

I remember pouring handfuls into my own hand and just staring at them. I thought they were really pretty.  

I remember sleeping in class because I’d take too many on purpose. 

I remember hanging up on 911 

I remember calling my ex boyfriend. 

I wondered what would happen if he would have answered. I really do. 

Probably nothing, 

I still would have done it. 

I remember swallowing handful after handful. 

I remember being carried to the office and hearing your voice in my head. 

I remember dying and being at peace.

I remember waking up and screaming and crying.

Because honestly. Suicide doesnt hurt. No. aside from me not being able to eat for a couple weeks without throwing up, or choking up tablets everytime I tried to take a pill. 

What hurt was waiting. I waited for life to get better. 

It didn’t.  

Hannah baker is going to slit her wrists,

I’m mad. This isnt the way it happened in the books. She swallowed pills.

ItsnotrealRosemaryitsnotrealItsnotevenhowithappendinthebooks

This is triggering. 

I reserve the right to skip this part.

I cant breathe. 

Okay, Okay. 

I dont fucking get why people say this show glorifies suicide. We are literally watching a girl die. The worst part is this is how actual people have done it. Oh my god. Oh my god there’s so much blood. 

Her parents, Oh my god. Okay that was so fake.

American Horror story did a better job. 

Which is probably why it kept me from killing myself. I watched Violet do it and it scared me. It scared me so I didnt do it. 

You know when I first read the books I guess I was really confused because I thought Mr Porter raped Hannah. I was like in 8th grade. 

Okay so Hannah Baker is still dead. The episode is over. 

How are they going to do season 2? 

I mean Tyler is Obviously going to shoot up the school and Alex tried to off himself. It’s Obvious Alex isnt going to die.  It’s Obvious Tyler isnt going to kill him. 

~

I liked watching this. 

I mean aside from it taking me two months to finish because,  well it kind of was triggering.

Side note:

I am not contemplating suicide please do not message me or call the cops. 

Also for anybody who is. 

National Suicide Prevention LifelineCall 

1-800-273-8255