#and they've been talking about how i the disabled one should be taking care of her in her later years

[tittyinfinity]

I'm disabled and yes it is very wrong to tell your kids "get over it" or ''you're faking it'' their whole life and then turn around and expect your kid(s) to take care of you in the event of disability. Like no, you made your bed. "But I'll struggle to survive!" And so did your kids after years of abuse. Believe it or not, your kids have bodily autonomy, and aren't owed you their labor just because you birthed them. You wanna tell your kids that they're faking every fever and illness for attention then expect them to give a shit when you go down. Well, get the fuck over it.

[magical-girl-coral]

Karlach Arc act 3 rewrite idea

Upon meeting a Steel Watcher on Wyrm's crossing, he'll tell Karlach her engine is out of date and she needs to report the Steel Watch Foundry. This will give the location of the foundry (I still don't understand why the fuck wasn't this given in the game).

When confronting Gortash in the throne room after his coronation about her engine heart being called old fashioned, he'll tell Karlach he does feel bad about what he "had" to do and promises to fix up her heart. Karlach then has a conversation sign above her head and says "I've been betrayed by this rat once already. I want to know what he is really after". You'll get a mission in her quest to find Gortash's secret plans as a result.

When asking Karlach where she thinks he would hide his blueprints, she mentions a house he was weirdly obsessed with during her bodyguard days. She could have sworn he said once "no one can ruin them lives but him". You find out it's where his parents are, how they've abused him and why sold him to the hells for gold. If you confess the mother you're here to kill Gortash, she tells you about the key in her pocket for his room.

In his childhood bedroom, you get to find several journals, some half made gadgets and a child's painting of what is now a Steel Watcher, labeled "my protector." There are two interactive blueprints on his table: one of a steel heart labeled "failure" and a massive Steel Watcher on fire. The journal spoke of his frustration of not being able to on up the hells by fixing Karlach's heart and his plan became darker as his obsession of getting back at devils grew. Instead wanted to kidnap Karlach and "save" her by turning her into the ultimate Steel Watcher.'

Karlach, understandably, loses her temper and if you fail a persuasion check or don't stop her at all, burns the house down to the ground from pure rage, killing the Flymms in the process. You should pick the blueprints of Gortash's failed heart replacement before burning down the house.

After stealing the blueprints and killing Gortash, you have two choices: either find Dammon and ask him to fix Karlach's heart with the blueprints, or the Gondians (but they only agree if you save their families. This option is locked if you let them die in the iron throne.) The heart Gortash labeled as a failure wasn't a failure after all, just imperfect. Karlach was so burned up from the hells that every metal inside of her melts after a period of time. Gortash was too obsessed with perfection to see this as a good result and ditched the idea.

The replacement heart has it's ups and downs. The ups is that if you collect infernal metal from the fallen Steel Watchers, the chosen blacksmith can give Karlach a new and more organic engine to help her continue living. But there are some downsides; she can't go anywhere too hot or too cold without possibly damaging the metal. She can't strand away from main cities with better medical equipment if she needs an emergency replacement so her outlander traveling is restricted. She will also need to replace the heart every few years once the infernal metal starts to decay.

Kalrach's arc essentially becomes a choice of what a lot of people with medical problems have to do, whether it's having to live by taking pills every day, wearing prosthetics or just dealing with a disability that limits your possible futures. She either dies from a blazing glory or lives longer with a prosthetic heart that limits her traveling plans. Like Lae'zel and Shadowheart, if you don't converse with her enough throughout her journey, she will choose her bad ending.

Notes:

Gortash's journal entry date shows he become obsessed with fixing Karlach after he caught Raphael talking with the party around act one. The fact that it was specifically Raphael was what send him over the edge.

Gortash wouldn't care less if Karlach dies after he fixes her heart in a world where he could. He didn't care if she makes it or not as long as he can stick to hell one last time.

I have a rough draft where when the party descends onto hell, a devil that words under Zariel shows up (either Flo or Mizora) to give Karlach a new "perfect" heart that could withstand her heat. The catch is that the heart was made purely from the core of hell and it would corrupt her the second it gets in. She becomes a lot more reckless and apathetic, like when she was given her soul coins in act two. If she isn't talked with enough or proven better options, she accepts the deal as a desperate attempted to escape death. (I can't for the life of me figure out where to put this in the game. Maybe during the house of hope?)

If Karlach accepts the prosthetic heart option by talking to either blacksmith, she refuses to become a Mindflayer.

During the epilogue party, Karlach says she's been wandering all over the sword coast to make up for lost time as a mercenary for hire. If Wyll returns to being the Blade of Frontiers, she mentions she started her journey with Wyll, but they went separate ways once she needed more cities to see. She also visited Gale in Waterdeep and helped Lae'zel in the outer planes with a rough battle.

If the MC romances Karlach, they get multiple dialogues options to where the traveled after the Elder brained was finished. There isn't a inch of Faerun Karlach doesn't want to meet.

[the-apostates-martyr]

Time to sound like a cranky old person but,

I am begging gen Z to understand that you live in reality. Begging.

I work management in a job that attracts a lot of teens and young 20 somethings. It's an expected first job, not super hard, not super busy, but more involved than stocking shelves or bagging groceries. And I get some great kids once in a while, some young adults who are learning how to adult.

But I get more kids who are coming out of a post COVID terminally online cocoon who have never been given a realistic image of the world outside their Tik Tok screen and it's horrifying.

I routinely have kids who call out at least once a week because they're stressed, they're anxious, they don't feel good, they overslept, they stayed up too late (note that this is after I try to teach them that they do not need to tell their employer why they are calling out and that it's in their best interest to not share personal or medical information that can be used against them but they think saying they're sick will be a get out of work free card). I've had more than one employee who I find sitting on the floor in front of the customer area because they're tired or "just chilling". Several who tell me after they've been hired that they can't work mornings, can't work evenings, can't work more than 5 hours days or more than 3 days in a row. I've had several talk to me about how they need to prioritize their mental health and take a self care day today, and tomorrow, and two days next week.

And I'm WORRIED for these kids, because the thing is, they are right that capitalism is a soul crusher, that we are overworked, that we are expected to give too much, that we deserve better hours and better pay, that our mental health needs to be our priority. These are all true things, but they think they can step out of mom and dad's house and into a world where they will be given these things and that's just...not the world we live in.

When I get a new hire I tell them about what is expected of them, they sign papers about hours and call outs and attendence and how they can be fired for not following this (I have no power to hire or fire I just manage them at their work). And still I have 22 year olds crying at me in the bathroom because they got fired for calling out 13 days in a month. I have kids who don't understand why they can't just stand there on their phone "vibing." That they should be exempt from talking to customers because they have social anxiety and have to accommodate them (this is a customer service job, there is no accommodations for not interacting with customers ) "They can't fire me for being sick!" But they can. "They can't fire me, I'm disabled and need these accomodations!" But they can, because nobody ever taught you what a reasonable accomodation is. "But we have a union!" A union can't help you after you've been written up four times.

I try to be a good first job and first boss. You need an extra break? Sure, go grab a snack. A customer yelled at you? I'll handle it, go cool off then we will talk about what to do next time. If you have an emergency, talk to me, you can probably leave early. I try to be a buffer between these young people and the corporate machine above me, meeting them where they are while trying bridge the gap between their ideals and the reality they're facing. And I still have employees who quit, telling me they're over worked and this or that is illegal (it isn't, it's just unfair) and they're gonna go find a job where they're appreciated, only to come back a few months later and ask for their job back because everywhere else sucked too.

But sorry. You didn't put in your two weeks like I told you to so now you're non rehireable and banned from ever working at this brand again.

I admire Gen Z's desire for something better. I'm not here to be a corporate bootlicker. I'm here as someone who needs to work my ass off to make ends meet. I'm disabled, my options are limited. I've been fired for my disability, which is legal cause you can't prove that's why and do you have the money for a lawyer to fight them? I don't. I play the game, I get by, and I'm just honestly really worried for these kids who have big dreams of a better world but no idea how to get by in the one they are in. You gotta eat, you gotta pay rent, you gotta have heat and power and water. You have to survive while you work on a world where you can thrive.

This isn't "gen Z lazy, gen Z stupid, Gen z bad", this is gen Z, especially working class gen Z, disabled gen Z and queer gen Z is gonna be totally fucked if they don't learn some entry level work skills and how to not get fired from Costco

[gwydion-aacblog]

What should I do if I'm having unenjoyable conversations with somebody who potentially has ID?

For context: somebody has been direct messaging me on Tumblr about fandom. They've never said they have ID, but I've done a quite a bit of volunteer work with teenagers and adults with ID in real life, and this person communicates similarly. For example: repeating themself, only using simple words in "grammatically incorrect" phrases, and failing to understand slightly complex ideas.

I'm finding that I'm talking in simple loops with this person and it's frustrating because I like to deeply analyze fandom. I'm starting to dread talking them even though they've done nothing wrong.

Do you have any advice for making these conversations better for me without being rude?

(I'm a regular on your account by the way. I'm just on anon in case this person sees this ask because I don't want to embarrass them.)

not know what supposed answer this because is on other side too many times count where people get angry because could not give even " easy " things like listen " properly " . 

take so much to try participate and people have hate no matter what because no one could be patient because no one would care that easy not easy for everyone . expect that have and do and give same things as all other friends , when different friends different limits and different places in life . 

sometimes brain tangent make people feel like not listen to what say , but is listen because what person say make remember , feel , think about this other thing . would not think about that thing if was not listen . 

sometimes mix up words ideas topics and people can not see inside brain to know how much tangle hard pull apart . dismiss or laugh instead .

most times when brain already focus on talk talk talk about topic can not just change talk about something else , need need need get out all every single thought before can change . not mean not try best listen if also talk , but do mean need give time to finish before can say much more than " yay cool yay yay " then just continue what talk for self . 

sometimes for self , say ask something small simple is how invite more . even if something that already know answer . because not know how else invite . 

maybe already know think about all this . if that true then not have answer because , personal topic here , know from other side very well and kind of hurt if really know and think about all this and still want make things work different . is possible that literally can not .

but if maybe not , remember those things . remember how hard can be to try anything when have intellectual disability . how much people already immediately hate , even when try best absolute best . appreciate what do have with person . 

[solar-sunnyside-up]

Im pretty sure thats the post that other anon was talking about. They didn't put it real well but they are kinda right.

Things are not as they were. Unless major reform is enacted a third party will never win in the usa. Not as it is. And any hope of reform will disappear if we get another red prez. Between gerrymandering and the electoral college and the pearl clutching moderates who get scared of progressives, to Republicans with no morals who will 100% vote red without hesitation. We effectively only have 2 parties. At least for now.

A Republican candidate hasn't won the popular vote in decades yet they somehow keep running things.

Everyone I know is scared. Scared this will be our last election next year. But no one is more scared than the disabled. We are terrified. Theres a lot of chatter from the right about "dealing" with us and other "freeloaders" we are legitimately scared for our lives.

Protest votes is what gave us that disaster in 2016 and why roe vs wade is gone now. If they win again they are going to push the rest of their agenda through. These posts about refusing to vote or voting third party are exactly like they were in 2016. We've been down this road once already.

If given the choice of neglect vs active homicidal intent we all have at least a chance to survive neglect.

And neglect gives us time to do something. Work locally. Try and push for reform. It's horrible but it's what we have. And for most disabled it's ALL we have. We can't run, other countries won't take us.

I've even seen some scream about revolution but with zero plans for us. What will their revolution do with us? Will we still have our medical access? Will we still be taken care of? Or will the wheels of the revolution be greased with our blood?

K so this is a lot for first in the morning, and I'm glad that someone has explained it a bit more detail bc I cannot stress this enough IM CANADIAN we live with a mutli party system. We, like most of democracies in the world, function with multiple parties at play. And tbh? They still use "splitting the vote is dangerous" talking point here. Here, it's used to prevent ppl from voting for actual reform in government. It's used to say "Green party will never win in they're trying to do rent caps and UBI!" Despite these being popular standing points with many many ppl and honestly the only reason ppl haven't voted them in is bc of this fear tactic. And yet this year, they've come in 3rd place if not 1st in several towns, cities, and providences. They've made headway, and also a lot of liberal ideals and NDP talking points are just old green party ones so ppl want those policies. But if it wasn't for those tree huggers 10 yrs ago fighting, and losing and being made fun of, as a seperate party and forcing them to move that direction they never would.

And let's be clear, Trump won bc of electoral collage he did not win popular vote in 2016 you where overruled the vote didnt matter. Just like Bush did against Al Gore in 2000

That doesn't mean its hopeless or that you shluldnt vote particularlly on local levels. More ppl then ever in history are voting!! Turn outs are the highest they've been since 1950s!! (Also the last peak in union reforms btw) It's scary flipping parties, you might loose to Democrats or Republicans. It will be horrible. But yall are on the cusp of a civil war and fascism anyway, as an outsider who should hold little say over what you choose in this election, I'd still endorse the 3rd party. idk yall your system seems fucked and legit doesn't seem to care how you vote so scare them into using your vote for someone else and make them admit they're not actually counting your votes.

If there's so many ppl like a different policy and candidate it forms another party then you NEED a different party to have a voice anyway. Even if it's in defeat it must exist and I'll happily be on the loosing side.

These are talking points that are used to stagnate progress and to (rightfully) scare ppl into voting for someone they don't like. So if it scares you too much, i wont be upset with however you vote. Its yours. It's scary out here no matter the outcome rn. But I can't let myself be shaken when there is hope and I will personally work for that hope so it's no longer a scary option for those who can't afford the choice.

[aparticularbandit]

so.

i actually think, final thoughts, i really liked udg.

and this gets long (and talks about some, ah, sensitive topics), so it's under a cut.

there are two themes it was trying to tackle, and both of those themes are pretty big themes, and in trying to tackle both of them, they hit one harder and did a better job which left them lacking on the other.

udg did a fantastic job (for a video game, and especially for a danganronpa game, i think) of talking about how two sides of a conflict can be radicalized to hate each other, to see each other as less than human, to get to a point where they're no longer just wanting to protect themselves and those they love but where they want to destroy the other side entirely.

like. to an extent, udg is taking on genocide. it never uses that word, but that's what it's hitting.

the warriors of hope are trying to kill all adults because they believe that adults are hurting kids and all adults are bad and the only way to take care of kids is to kill all the adults and just have a safe place for kids to be kids. they are attempting genocide on the adults of towa city.

the adults who shirokuma save steadily grow more radicalized to the point where they want to kill all of the kids in towa city for the mass murder that the children have been doing on the adults (not realizing that the kids are being mind controlled - literally - by the warriors of hope). by the time they find out what's happening (and that the only way to stop the monokumas is to literally explode the heads of all the kids being mind controlled), they don't care. they want all the kids dead. they are literally chanting kill! kill! kill! to that end, they want genocide on the kids of towa city.

(and udg probably never uses that word because it is a very heavy word with a lot of weight and consequences to it. but that is very much what both sides want to do to the other.)

and it does a very, very good job of showing how people who are being attacked and who have these actions taken against them can become radicalized back to a point where it's no longer just stop the pain but also kill them all, they need to all die.

and the game calls them demons.

it has the warriors of hope call adults demons, and it has monaca call the adults who are fine with killing the kids demons, too. says that they've become that. (and part of the process of the adults getting to that point was when they said the kids were demons.)

udg does such a good job with this. and of course, it can't end with hope or despair but somewhere in between because there's not a pat answer there. but it ends with komaru wanting to save both - to save both sides - to find a way to reconcile and save and not fall into the radicalization and staying so that she can try to do that. and that's beautiful.

....

and then also it tries to tackle various forms of child abuse and does not do a very good job of that because it wasn't the main theme. it was backstory theme to support the main theme. it was, hey, the kids also have a good reason for hating adults, it's a lot more complicated than people want it to be, neither side starts with let's kill everyone, they get there from being radicalized through a lot of trauma.

so because it's not the main focus - it's just there to support the main focus - udg does a relatively poor job of addressing it. there's very shallow attempts to talk about each of the different forms in the different chapters, sometimes barely talked about at all before the boss fight (looking at you, chapter one), and some of its attempts are paired with a lot of discomfort, which i'm willing to hope was intentional because it should be uncomfortable and not glossed over, but also is uncomfortable.

worse still, a lot of that theme gets completely shoved under the rug when you get to monaca and yes, she also got abused, to the point that she faked a disability to get people to be nicer to her, and the people who abused her apparently hurt her so bad that they believed they hurt her THAT BAD, which is saying something. but that gets avoid in monaca's exposition because that's not the point; monaca being evil and starting a war is the point - which, again, is the main theme. so the other tough theme gets a not great treatment because it's not the point.

which is unfortunate because they did such a good job with what was the main point that i think maybe they could have actually done a good job with the rest of it if they'd treated it with the same care and consideration they did with the other.

i think this is easily the most coherent of the danganronpa games (so far). it hits its theme, and it does have...ending pacing issues, which seems to be a running issue with the series, but they aren't as bad, i think, as they are in the other games. the ending was basically how much worse can we make monaca, which. wasn't necessary. but it served its main theme well, so.

I didn't feel hit over the head with a lot of things i could not have figured out over the course of the game. i didn't feel like i couldn't have figured that stuff out. i had moments of ah, i was close, but this is the actual thing and oh, i see, that makes sense instead of i don't know how i was supposed to figure this out.

and it did such a good job with the relationship between toko and komaru. that is probably the best relationship that's been written in the series up to this point, and maybe it's because komaru isn't going around trying to make besties with everybody and they can just hone in on this is your friend, we can just develop this and have it mean something.

like.

this may not be a good danganronpa game (given how radically different it is from the main games), but it is a good game.

...albeit sometimes a bit danganronpa gross about its subject matter.

[the-heartstring-chronicles]

This is a bit long, but is something that has weighed on my mind since I watched the episode last night. I come from a place of being a physically disabled from birth Trekkie who has watched episodes of TNG/all of Trek since she was 8, thirty years ago. I touched on this a little in my review last night, but here is my full analysis on a problem I saw with the episode that goes beyond which villain is behind door number 3

Some vague Spoilers ahead for Star Trek Picard s3 episode 9 but no way to avoid them if I am to discuss this topic.

In 2023, apparently, we still have issues in Star Trek of all places, with coping with disability and difference.''

And what bothers me most is those issues are issues had by my two favorite characters in all of Trek about their own progeny.

This progeny has a genetic issue inherited from their father, as a result of a trauma the father suffered that altered his DNA.

The progeny has the potential to be dangerous because of what they've inherited, like world ending dangerous. But so far, they had seemed until last night, to be kindhearted, smart, sensitive, fun, like their folks. And to only use their potentially dangerous differences to take out bad guys, to protect people they care about and to try to save the day.

And yet, the minute, the dad finds out what the cause of the issue is, his first solution is to put his progeny in an institution, no joke, the calmest, gentlest guy in the history of Trek is like, you know , we'll just put you there, you'll be fine. And when his progeny asks what Star Trek's biggest moral leader sees when he looks at his progeny, basically either a choice between saying whether he sees his child or a monster, he says nothing.

And the mother of this child, the character who usually is a cross between the world's best at her position, the most accepting person ever and funny as heck, says to her progeny, that they can fix this/ deal with it. Not I love you, not I see you, none of her normal character stuff, just an allegory for how some parents might deal with this stuff in the real world. Not an example of how to do better

And the parents refuse to talk to each other about any of it, to even comfort each other. Despite being the Star Trek pairing known for talking to each other about everything, they won't even soothe each other, even as friends or parents.

So basically in stuff set in 2403, the writers went with disability/difference can be potentially dangerous and we should fear before we love and panic before we think and say really ablestic crap, because trauma and/or training overrides who characters were written to be for 40 years prior. And makes for good drama

I'm hoping the last episode next week has the writers making them believe they acted like jerkholes, but if not, I will maybe consider long and hard about writing to both the new producer and to both actors (They are both big advocates for justice and inclusion of all in Trek media, at conventions and in the actual world ie politics and organizations. And have spoken up about how to handle plots on screen and issues off screen many times) and I'm disheartened that no one nixed this plot or at least this handling of it.

A big name creator also pointed out on youtube that this could be an allegory for how some parents reject their LGBT+ children too and the issues with that plot, i have to say it's possible as well.

Which doesn't make again, for pleasant or safe viewing for a generation of folks of all different walks of life who just wanted to see characters they trusted as a distraction or as validation of their real struggles, the way Star Trek has always been, not a mirror of injustices and pain for drama.

[walks-the-ages]

I absolutely love all the Quantum Leap blogs I follow because the complete and utter radio silence on the 2022 reboot really speaks volumes considering how much speculation was on my dash before it aired.

As someone who finally remembered it's existence and watched the whole season*, I can genuinely tell all original Quantum Leap fans:

Do not bother watching this show

It literally exists to try and make a profit off the nostalgia of the title alone, because it is shallower than a drop of water in the desert and they're trying to make up for their lack of interesting Leaps by filling the runtime with office drama in the present day that no one cares about and doesn't mean anything.

They're telling us all these things about Ben that mean absolutely nothing because it doesn't change anything, he already Leaped, and no I don't particularly care about why, even after the little "cliffhanger reveal" in Episode 8.

I was watching this show because I care about Sam Beckett and Al Calavicci.

Al was summarily killed off in the first or second episode by having them mention he'd passed away a few years ago, and while you could be generous and say it's because they didn't want anyone that wasn't Dean Stockwell playing Al.... You don't have to have a character on-screen to have them exist in your story.

Al could have been a character whose just always left the room to go attend one of his grandkids pride events.

He could be on the other end of an important phone call.

He could be the random old guy that sneaks in at night and talks with Ziggy but they've never been able to catch him because he always knows how to disable all their security measures and Ziggy refuses to tell them.

(They're secretly plotting to actually get Sam and Ben back while everyone else is just caught up in their conspiracy theories, Janis helps by sending them all on a wild goose chase so Ziggy has actual time to put her processing power to work)

But yeah. Al's been killed off for literally no reason except for bad writing, his daughter is an antagonist for no reason except bad writing, and I genuinely do not care about literally any of these characters because so far they haven't done anything memorable. Ben gets kudos for actually helping people but that's negated a bunch by him being extremely shallow of a character AND the mouthpiece for "you must forgive your abusers!!!!!" The writers are using this show to preach.

Oh and did I mention everyone promptly forgot that Sam Beckett exists and that Ben was trying to find him? So much so that when he runs into another Leaper who warns him to stop following because it's dangerous, literally every single character jumps to the conclusion that it's ... Janis. Al's Antagonist Daughter, threatening Ben, instead of the obvious conclusion of

Hello???? It's literally Sam fucking Beckett trying to warn Ben he should be focused on getting home, back to his life, instead of continuing to try and find Sam?? That Sam's trying to save him from getting trapped in the Leaps like he was??? And the show unironically took it as a threat from some unknown villain instead, and wholly expects the audience to take that conclusion at face value?

Like. Yeah, don't watch Quantum Leap 2022 if you loved the original, if you want to know what happened to Sam and Al.

Al's been summarily killed off, his wife Beth has existed for maybe 3 scenes, and his daughter is randomly an antagonist who drugs her own mother into unconsciousness to show how evil she is lol.

Sam Beckett exists as a footnote and is summarily forgotten by all the new characters.

Ziggy doesn't exist and is now just a generic computer they call "it" (instead of she/her OR he/him) and is not a character at all

Oh, and Ian Wright the nonbinary character everyone was hyping up? Just exists to be the shallow, quirky, quipping one-liner joke-maker of the episode, wearing cat ears at work, making jokes about magic mushrooms and somehow generating views for the show because apparently Mason Alexander has a cult following of people who literally just follow their work and refer to them on a first name basis and...

... I've just blocked all those people already from the tag because it's genuinely creepy how deeply these people are in a parasocial relationship with the actor. Like genuinely looking for RPF things and obsessing over them and referring to them only by their first name and just.... No. Hell no.

But yeah, the funny thing is if you go into the Quantum Leap 2022 tag and block all the Mason Park stalkers the content of the tag is just reduced by like 90%

So uh. That tells you a lot about how little substance Quantum Leap 2022 has. Most of the posts are from me and my twin liveblogging it lol.

-----update:

* I guess they're splitting the season into 2 parts because the IMBD says the next episode is in January 2023 with more episodes after that for a total of 18 episodes in the first season but uh. Too fucking bad for them I'm not wasting my time on this bag of hot air. I'm sticking a pin in it and going back to my little original show rewrite and post canon fun/angst.

[atalossofwords]

YOU TASTE THE SILVER - IvanTill WIP (PART 1)

Hi y'all. The brainrot took me with no warning, and I've written 5k for these two just the last two days. I've no idea how much I'll write, but I'm going to squeeze the serotonin for as long as I can lmao

Anyhow, this is a streamer/actor AU that somehow evolved into a sugar daddy AU. Till is a streamer, and Ivan is a famous actor who found him when he was a small streamer and fell in love; he's been sending donations for a good while now, but they've never communicated outside of it.

Until Till opens his PO box and Ivan's need to spoil Till is too much, at least. Then all bets are off, and Till finally starts thinking more about the stranger who keeps sending him gifts. I have a basic outline for it all, but I'm going with vibes first, since I mostly just want to write them and torture Ivan.

I'm going to be posts little snippets of what I've writer so far over the next few days, so please don't be afraid to come to my inbox to ask about them!

This was inspired by this fic! Check it out!

Till wasn't the most famous streamer there was. Not anything near that, actually, though he thinks he does well enough.

He has an established fanbase, almost 500k of them, he's sold some merchandise and collabed with some pretty nice people. He likes streaming, varying between his songwriting and recording processes and any new video game that catches his fancy.

When he started, he didn't think he'd do this for a living. He probably wouldn't be able to afford it, being a struggling musician as he was, for once.

He couldn't blame his comfortable living situation solely on one person, no, since that would be incredibly inconsiderate of the rest of his fans, but this one Navi person definitely funded Till's move from his old apartment mostly by themselves.

Case in point.

NAVI (TILL'S ATM) DONATED $100: Hyung, how's the new house?

Till reads the donation out loud, ignoring his chat going a little crazy over Navi's donation. By now, Till is used to Navi only ever sending messages through donations. He'd be so flustered, in the beginning, and worried enough he almost disabled them. Luckily Hyuna talked him out of it.

"It's going well. As everyone can see, my studio isn't done yet," he says, gesturing behind himself into the empty expanse of freshly painted wall. At least he'd painted it black already. "but the rest is going okay. I'm really sorry for the week I had to take off, everyone."

He quickly scams the chat, his heart feeling warm as all the people watching rush to reassure him that it's not a problem, he should take care of himself, and how glad they are he managed to move from his shitty rented apartment.

"Actually, I have some news for you all." He scratches his neck, a nervous habit, and looks to the side. Hyuna convinced him to do this, so he knows it's something streamers do, but he can't help being anxious about it. "Since I moved, and this place needs some decorations, I was thinking of opening a PO box and doing an... what's it called? Unboxing?"

The chat is going crazy, he can barely keep up, oh god. He feels his cheeks heat.

"An unboxing live and then decorate my stream setup with some stuff I get. Would you guys like that?"

His chat is a mess of "yeses" and incoherent screams, and Till can't help but smile a little. He's got to say, he's looking forward to this.

The following weeks are a bit of a mess. He streams less than normal, still setting up his new apartment; he goes with Hyuna to buy electronics she swears will make his streaming better.

Dewey, his brother, goes with him to buy a new shelving unit and help him set up all his new furniture. Isaac is strangely fixated on saying Till needs rugs and other things, otherwise his apartment is "just a place, not a home, bro", apparently.

He checks in with his PO box frequently, each day more excited by all the packages he got. After two weeks he announces on twitter he'll be closing the PO box in a week since he wants to be able to open all the gifts on stream and he's already got a good amount of them.

The day after his announcement, he goes to pick up any new packages to store in his living room since he doesn't want to burden the office workers and finds a package that makes his stomach twist in itself.

It's a large box, clearly packed by hand instead of the usual post-service stamps. And it has a large sticker reading "FROM: NAVI" on it.

Till doubts anyone would use the name to get his attention, since he does treat all his viewers equally, so this really is from Navi. He wonders what is in it, since Navi clearly has money to spare and intends to spend it on Till.

"It's probably a maid dress." Hyua says, helping him lug it all to his apartment.

"It's not!" He splutters, mortified. Hyuna raises an incredulous eyebrow. "It's probably snacks, or something like that. Navi's said they travel a lot." That, somehow, just makes the eyebrow twitch higher.

"You remember what your viewers say?" She asks, hip-checking his door open. He follows, frowning a little. He always remembers what his viewers say.

Navi, obviously, since they only talk in donations, but also a few other regulars. Kirby has an older sister they're sharing the computer with; Siren started learning the guitar because of Till, and is doing well for himself; Jaewoon – with the username Till's Merch Overlord – draws and is currently suffering through art university, BonBon who has a one-year-old and listens to Till while doing his household chores.

"Yeah? I mean, there's only so many people who regularly chat. And out of those, a good part are my mods." He says, shrugging. He knows Hyuna pays someone to mod for her, but Till didn't think he'd need a mod, since he never expected to get so many views. He kept going without mods for so long that the most active members of the community ended up auto-modding the rest, at which point Till just reached out and asked if they wanted to mod, and now he pays them for it because he felt bad otherwise.

(Of course, Navi isn't a mod. They'd fit Till's criteria, but they never chatted normally, so it was kind of hard to ask.)

"Aaah, you're just too wholesome, heartbreaker." Hyuna says, sighing, the old nickname that still makes Till confused coming out with a teasing lilt. She waves him off before he can say anything, though, plopping the box on the couch and grinning at Dewey. "Hey, this one you'll definitely want to check!"

Till rolls his eyes as his brother 'oohs' and 'aahs' over the package, Isaac peering over with a pocket knife ready to pry it open. When Till mentioned opening a PO box, he insisted on checking the gifts beforehand, just to make sure they were all stream-appropriate and, most importantly, not dangerous for Till.

He was grateful his brother cared, but he was less amused by the teasing and hint-dropping they'd been doing over the content of the packages. He leaves them to it, moving to the kitchen to get some much-needed coffee.

Looks like Isaac bought bungeo-ppang, so Till fills a mug and picks one, nibbling at it and looking into his fridge. He should go buy more food, but there's a seven-eleven right across his street, so he almost never bothers stocking up. He does need to get more tea, though, since he dislikes drinking water, and for reasons unknown, his chat enjoys it when he drinks on-stream.

He finishes updating his list and walks back to the living room, where Dewey has already closed the package back up, but is holding a small parcel in his hand, frowning. Hyuna looks over as he approaches, a complicated expression on her face.

"The rest of the package is fine to open on-stream, but I think this one might be best off-stream." She says, and the lack of any teasing or barb makes him worried. She must've read that in his expression, because she grins. "Do you happen to know why this Navi person likes you so much? I wouldn't mind getting some of these myself."

Till can't help but scowl, snatching the parcel from Dewey's hands. He doesn't know Navi, not really, but they're still one of his first viewers, and they do kind of give Till a lot of money.

"Keep your hands away from my viewers, hag." He has to move fast to escape her grab, which soon develops into a little keep-away with the parcel, soon ending up with Dewey on the ground howling with laughter as Isaac tries to haul Hyuna off him, curled on himself on the ground to keep the parcel to himself.

"Ugh, you brat! Just open it!!" She exclaims, sitting down on Dewey's lap, making the older man yelp. Till huffs, but sits up to analyse the gift.

It seems to be an envelope, like many of the letters he got, but there was something inside of it, making it weirdly bulky. Till folds it open, tipping the envelope so whatever it is can fall on his open hand, and stares.

There is a pair of... earrings, on his hand.

Diamond earrings, to be precise.

That the fuck.

Till stares at it, then peers inside the envelope. Nothing weird falls out, like a damned credit card or pure gold, but a little recipe with the return address of a high-class jewellery store makes itself known. The rest of the envelope contains a certification for the damned diamonds.

Till curls up back again, head in his hands, groaning. His face is so hot you could cook an egg in it.

Navi got him diamond piercings because Till complained once, months ago, that he wanted to switch out his piercings but didn't have the money for it.

"C'mon Till! You didn't tell me you had a sugar daddy!" Hyuna jeers, and from the hiss and yelp, Dewey just dropped her. The sound of them bickering – Hyuna insisting this Navi person has to be after Till's virtue, and Dewey being insulted by the thought of someone going after his little brother like that, plus Isaac googling the store to throw fuel on the fire – is enough to distract Till form his own freakout.

He sits back up, his face still red, to study the piercings better. There are six items in total. One is a simple diamond stud, a tiny and delicate stone, probably for his second hole. A pair of bigger stones, with four elongated asymmetrical spikes, making it look like a shining star, probably for his first hole. One's a series of round stones inlaid together in a belt, forming a hoop, for his helix piercing. The final ones are two silver loops, delicate and silver, for his double auricle piercing.

He thinks if he puts any of those on, he's going to spontaneously combust.

(Later that night, after Hyuna and Isaac went home and Dewey crashed on his couch, Till locks his bedroom door and tries them on. The pair of star-shaped earrings go on both ears, the tiny stud on his left, alongside the helix, which he takes a while to get on since it is so finicky, he pierced it himself with a safety pin in high school. The hoops go on his right, looking a little lonely with just the earring, remembering Till that he really wishes he had money to get a constellation on that ear.

He's wearing a simple white shirt, ready for bed, that slips off his shoulder to show off the simple moon covered by clouds on his clavicle, clashing with the TILL tattoo he has over his neck. He turns this way and that, watching the diamonds shine, and feels almost bad for using them.

Why did Navi send this to him? What did Till do, to deserve something as delicate as this? He's not the kindest of people, he's kind of an asshole actually, all shouting and side eyes. He's not the kind of guy that can properly appreciate such nice jewellery, not the kind of person that should be appreciated like this.

Still. The diamond shines against his skin, the silver compliments his white hair. He takes most of them off, only keeping the simple snake bites. He doesn't want to somehow dirty up the diamonds.)

part two

[jotunvali02]

That's why I had stop searching for work and enlisted to a supposed qualifying training that supposedly gives you a job with 100% certainty at the end.

And now I'm here at that bullshit again, cause even THAT didn't work.

That fucking bullshit that fucks up my mind so easily, that brings you rapidly crazy, depressive, anxious, near mad... because even 10 years later it's the exact same, ignorant and paternalistic bullshit.

I'm autistic. I'm not retarded or a fucking infant! So stop bullshitting me with your fake care when you don't even listen to me or never even talked with me!! What you care about is your fucking ignorance and ableism!

It really feels I'm going mad. And I can't sob out loud or scream or bang my head so full of fucking useless knowledge! Or all of the fucking building will hear me.

Seriously, what was the fucking point of that 2-years training if no one will give me a chance to just put them into practice?? Even unpaid practice? WHAT WAS THE POINT?? What's the point of having so many skills and qualities and knowledge if no one cares about it, if everyone always prefer incompetent but experienced and "normal" people??

I see so many fucking people who have the job I want and I'm trained for and who almost have no fucking clue of what they're doing but have that fucking cursed "experience" everyone demand (at that extent, you'll run out of experienced workers and all you'll have left are unexperienced pathetic fuckers like me. You'll just have to close your business and be in deep financiary shit like us and it'll be so fucking deserved!) and who are PAID to do that clueless work!

I have so much more skills and knowledge and seriousness and dedication but hirers always prefer incompetent but "normal" over disabled people, and God forbid if they're autistic or have psychiatric or mental disorders!!

Tell me how s/o is supposed to have years of experience when they've just finished their training AND are disabled/neurodivergent??

Who the FUCK matches ALL of that??

And then you wonder why people in job centers scream or sob or even become violent?

ONE guy, just ONE job center guy & his signature so I can do sth useful and fulfilling in my fucking life and he won't help or even talk to me anymore, while he's the ONLY ONE who legally can help! Not me. Him!

Yes, that's fucked up but that's how French system works, baby!

I've exhausted all the fucking possibilities I was told to try, ALL of them. Only HIS help, only HIS one fucking signature can help me now to have a real, decent job. Or else I'll just belong in the trash. Just because of ONE all-fucking-mighty jerk.

But he won't listen to me. NO ONE listens to me because THEY know my life and my capacities better then me apparently!!

My opinion, my experiences, my life, my voice don't matter. They never did.

Especially to people who HAVE the power and capacity to help. But how the FUCK can you help s/o if you won't listen to them and decide what's better for them instead of them??

The view of a different person just repels or disturbs them "normal people" and their poor little certainties too much. I'm too stupid or too confused to talk about myself or talk at all and they, the clever and caring grown-ups who know everything better than us know better than ME about me!

But look where it leads me: a fucking DEAD END!!

A fucking dead end I'm told to run into, over and over, and over, and over, and over again. Maybe I'll go through it I smash myself into it enough times like they seem to have been "advising" me for 10 fucking years...

(i should use that metaphor if he ever reaches me again...)

I'm going mad, madder and madder...

Maybe that's what they and this fucked-up system intend to. Thus, no crazy and retarded freaks to take care of or work with, pheew... And we'll stay where we truly belong, in a coffin or a fucking asylum.

Because of this sore bullshit I turn closer and closer to good for the psychiatric institution.

[the-firebird69]

So you doing some stupid s*** and they're calling out what to do to you using you Dave you're talking about you people in your midst that look like them and they found you in Dave's facilities I'm not having you and your friends deliver code to eliminate you. Looks like the empire is doing it too. Just seen it for here who gives a s*** they're saying it for all over the place but I guess you can't resist excuses to be total assholes to me.

Zues Hera

We do see the reaction is bad and the stupid I'm just walking around doing whatever they feel like whether on vacation from life. To the whole world out there your fourth wave of little ships are gone. The 5th Wave is for me these are 900 ft to about 1500 they're fast strips with special and they get going fast fire missiles then helps propel them. They're kind of doing this to do something in fact we don't think it will because we know what they have and you people never ask or look and they're ready for the other waves too and you don't know that in the process is ridiculous one way of after the next regardless of what happens. Leave a lot of problems but the empire once witnesses and they want to interrogate them to verify our sun is actually saying it and they try to collect them before they're damaged then they don't return them intact.

-couple of things going on. There's a huge amount of clouds heading this way yeah it's from the south Southeast with a strong wind blowing and you think it's the ships but you don't check so you can be a holes when it's not. Is the empire forming up at the islands and summat the keys. It's a lot of ships the clouds are going to keep coming well they're clear out the moment. Tommy f sees the ships and is wondering what to do as his fleet is down to two fleets both have 5%. This is the amount of firepower and they could easily disable his ship going to stop his whole Force but he says not in time others support him but they don't understand that technology has pinpoint accuracy. And they're going to remind him you said this morning and will not tell his life support as a filter in. Those other things at hand right now

-these people are a bunch of wise asses and stoners and has been losers and miscreants but before all that they're mean what they do all day to our son what they're doing as most of the program and they've got nowhere you're being defeated today very badly is a huge portion of their Force they're going to lose most of their arms and don't care I would rather just sit here and pick on someone and it shows with their style is lazy parasites and it won't pay as it is the empire has instructed the pseudoempire to take action here in punta Gorda and several ways and they're allowing me to be said because they want them to hear it they had Dan AKA Dave combined delivered part of the message that they're just going to get them like their bugs and there are others around delivering the rest of it like moping losers they come down and send out orders for other people and others just take it and it's terrible we are aware of it and there's not much we can do because the people here are harmful to our son and don't care for anything else so pretty soon this afternoon will be a bunch of pin cushions and complaining and that will be it. And it doesn't take long for them to get there

-social attitude in the air it's really bad they'll say I've never seen people get screwed over so badly that they don't see it at all it's really awful they won't shut up or shut down their stupid talk and the empire is jamming it to him one right after another almost everybody that comes by has stupid code from them on how to dissolve their army to get it the stupid people delivering the stupid code about how to get rid of their army it's ridiculous almost none of them can read it and they should be asking Mac it's all over the place he grew up teaching his people to stuff if you at least get that out of him our son says

Thor Freya

Olympus

[the-amalgam-house]

TMI TMI in case any of the handful of followers here are not interested, sex talk below relationship stuff and just thinking about things as you know An Adult Person who is Sexual Sometimes™️

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.

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Sometimes I wonder if my wife would still seek affirmation and gratification outside of me, romantically and sexually, if I was able bodied enough to keep up with her needs and if I wasn't so emotionally reserved in general?

She is def polyamorous, and I don't know of I am or not (I say I'm manogamish, not looking but would be open if someone came along), but sometimes I really wish I could do for her what having THREE other partners does for her, if only because outside relationships are often temporary and she wants people who are more permanent and attentive.

I get really down on myself in this regard because I'm disabled and I don't like sex anymore because of it. It's too physically painful after the fact, the cons outweigh the pros. (Plus tmi, she's too big for me since my complete hysterectomy. Hurts even during)

I used to LOVE it. I used to enjoy making out and playing and everything. But as I got sicker and sicker and my brain and body have gotten worse and worse, even the sensory input of like. The noises and smells and sweat, I can't deal with it anymore. It takes way too many spoons and then aftercare is even more spoons and I have zero energy for any of it. I joke sometimes and call myself a Pillow Prince cause if I put in too much effort it's only immense pain for me, for DAYS. Especially my hips and lower back.

I don't mind muscle pain in general just from like, aches from physical activity it's nbd, but pain from already affected areas being SO much worse is not something I can tolerate. And I sometimes feel like a failure of a husband because of it. Among other things like not really being able to do chores or not being able to work at all thus bringing no money to the table for like bills and shit like that.

And when it comes to being like emotionally vulnerable... I have problems with letting her know exactly what I'm thinking most times. I have troubles with embarrassment wrt like, having pet names or gushing about how beautiful she is. And I feel like words of affirmation are EXTREMELY important to her but the only way I know how to express my love for someone is to share my food and buy them presents. Which I can't do that often cause no job means no money, and no energy means no crafting. Wtf I hate it???

She's really strung up lately cause her other partners in their own individual lives are all making plans to move far away in the future. A couple don't really see her in any real romantic sense, and all of them very rightfully and fairly have other people who are priority (just like how she's MY priority in any romantic/family sense).

At the same time, as much as she frets over the possible loss of partners due to life circumstances, it doesn't deter me thinking about what it would be like to have a boyfriend or two. I've never actually dated anyone but my wife, and I really really enjoy the idea of dating men, cause I like men. I get kind of envious of the fact that she has a handful of partners who do care for her even if it's in limited capacity, and I get a feeling of missing out?

Two of her partners don't really know me and I don't know them, despite my wife having been dating one since about the time the pandemic started? I think. I don't really feel any kind of connection with them in general. They don't really go out of their way to get to know me either? Which I feel like if you're going to date a married person, you should get to know their spouse??

The third is great, they've been friends with her since high school and we've been friends since college. They're really Going Through It™️ rn too (a lot of us are tbh but damn I wish I could help). It's all just so chaotic, which is not something I'm looking for in my life tbh, but I still wonder so so often how... that would feel, how I would handle having multiple partners, and the fact that I really enjoy the sort of village model of relationship anarchy. A bunch of people who care for each other doing the family thing. Esp when it comes to being able to ease the burden of caring for the disabled among us by having multiple more able bodied and minded ppl to help everyone out, instead of like just one person trying to do it all.

... which I guess brings me back around to the fact that I somehow WANT to be able to do it all for my wife but that contradicts the type of life I want to live???? Idk man I'm just brainweird and don't really know where to put my emotions about it all. It's frustrating. I want to help everyone but don't want to be a burden and have several ppl that can help me so it's all not on one person but I want to be the person who can do it all....... none of it makes any sense and I'm so so SO fucking tired. Heck.

[abeehiltz1159]

just some things about today's society that I hate and highly discourage

Racism. Races are determined from where you come from, and that can determine the color of your skin, which really is melanin, your body's built in sunblock. People from Africa are more likely to have darker skin than people from, say, the UK, simply because they are exposed to more direct sunlight. Racism makes no sense to me if at the bare minimum of it is just people hating other people because the amount of melanin in their skin varies.

Sexism. It should be okay for guys to be emotional and for girls to be strong. It shouldn't be a huge deal if a dude cries. It shouldn't be a huge deal if a girl is angry. It shouldn't be one sex over another. Your body, your choice.

Homophobia/transphobia. I've heard that, if you're gay/bi/pan/ace, there's something wrong with how extrogen/testosterone is made and distributed throughout your body, and that being trans/non-binary/pangender/bigender can be schizophrenic tendencies. Even if that's true, that means that homophobic/transphobic people would be hating on a very specific community simply because they could have DISORDERS. (I'm not homophobic/transphobic and I really hope you guys didn't take this that way--I'm an Ally.)

Ageism. I can understand some degrees of it, like not giving kids alcohol, but then again why give it to adults? Just because a person is younger than you doesn't mean they should be deprived of certain things that older people get to do. I say don't let people under 21 have alcohol, smoke, take drugs (unless they've been prescribed), have sex, look at porn, etc. I'd go as far as to say don't to any of these things in general unless you're having sex because you want kids.

Anti-adoption. Seriously. Those kids in orphanages need time outside, in the real world, and just by not taking some time to go talk to them is depriving them of it. And if you do adopt, don't care how old they are. Just pick the kid that fits your family most, but also make sure that they are comfortable around you. It may take time for them to completely warm up to you/your family, but it'll be better for them to have parental figures in their lives.

This one's a bit more complicated to talk about: abortion/birth control. In some ways, I don't support it, but in others, I don't mind. If you have a physical/financial issues that could prevent you from getting through a pregnancy safely, then yeah, you can get an abortion. The excuse "they're people too" doesn't quite make sense, since fetuses don't really have a state of mind and really can't form their own opinions yet. They aren't them yet. But, if you can have the kid, please do so. The death:birth ratio of today's world is very wack, and more people are dying than there are people being born.

Discrimination against DISABILITIES. If a person has a mental/physical issue, don't label them as unable to take care of themselves. Don't label them as strange or stupid. It's not their fault. If a person is missing a limb, it is fully possible for them to have been born without it or having lost it to sickness or accident. Personally, I don't like hospitals, but that's mainly because I'm trypanophobic (a fear of medical needles and blood). I'm not scared of the patients. Rather, I feel sad that they're in the hospital in the first place.

Some of you might hate me for this: vulgar language/activity. There are always better words to say and things to do. Our local high school baseball team? According to my older brother who was in the team for roughly a third of the season, the main thing the other boys would talk about was how much luck they'd had at getting laid. That's not exactly an accomplishment. My other older brother, who is in high school, got 100% innocent on an online test he took. One of his friends got 13%. THIRTEEN. My brother is a sophomore (or an 11th year for everyone who isn't American).

WE. ARE. TEENAGERS. THIS SHOULD NOT BE AFFECTING US AS MUCH AS IT DOES.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I have a general love for humanity as a whole, cause we're all people, no matter what. I'm just trying to get a message across that everyone deserves a chance to be themselves, and parts of the world are stopping us. This world should not be as dirty and painful as it is. We treasure little pockets of pure beauty and bliss because there's so little of it now. Personally, I want to go outside and frolic in a forest and smell flowers and make flower crowns with friends and family and just have a day of nature-filled happiness. (If there are any old forests you would recommend, please tell me. I'm DYING.)

I love you guys. Happy Pride month! 💖

[ryanthedemiboy]

tl;dr I'm bedridden and need back surgery. I'll need at least US$6,000, but there's a good chance I'll need more — it depends on how much disability backpay I get and when I get it.

Longform explanation below. This link has an image from my MRI.

Please help me out by donating and/or reblogging. Thank you!

ko-fi.com/ryanthedemiboy

paypal.me/ryanthedemiboy

Venmo: rmodumas

Longform explanation: I've been bedridden for most of the last six years (I'm 25), and I'm stuck living with my parents because of it. I can only sit up long enough to eat.

I have a herniated disc at L4-5 and have tried cortisone injections, radiofrequency ablations, epidurals, muscle relaxants (three different kinds), physical therapy (three full rounds of 10+ weeks each), different pain medications, anti-inflammatories, supportive seat cushions, massage therapy, and chiropractic care.

I'm likely forgetting some treatments I've tried.

Anyway, only two things have helped my lower back pain besides laying down: radiofrequency ablation (burning the nerve endings off), which only worked for five months, and a heavy-duty pain killer that only dulls the pain. It doesn't make the pain go away, and if I try to do much of anything even while taking the pain meds, I end up considerably worse later that day and for the next week or so.

I can do almost nothing for myself -- I can shower sometimes, and I can toilet myself with accessibility tools. I can dress myself and microwave food. I can use my phone. I can play video games in relative moderation (only a few hours a day except on Saturdays) as long as I'm mostly laying down and completely lay down the rest of the time. That's about the extent of independent things I can do.

Going to my medical appointments is quite a struggle because I can't drive and have to rely on my grandparents or pay for a rideshare, and because of the pain.

I've talked to several surgeons, and they've agreed that a spinal fusion is unlikely to help me. Those that were familiar with lumbar disc replacements said I was a perfect candidate.

Quick rundown on lumbar disc replacements: it's the same concept as a hip replacement, except it's between two vertebrae in the spine. They take out the bad disc and replace it with metal and plastic to separate the bones, support the body, and maintain flexibility.

It's better than spinal fusion (where they fuse two or more vertebrae together), scientifically, for folks my age. There's only one problem: there are only two implants fda approved, and they both contain nickel, which I'm supremely allergic to (like, end the allergy test early allergic).

The back surgeons familiar with lumbar disc replacements recommended going to Spain or Germany for the surgery, because they both have approved implants with no nickel in them. I did the full pricing on Germany first, and including the surgery, recovery, accommodations, food, and care when I can't do it myself, the total came out to US$20,000-24,000.

I haven't heard back from any of the surgeons in Spain, and I'm not sure I will. According to my research, the cost of everything minus the surgery and hospital stay and all that in Spain should be less than in Germany, but... That's the best I've got.

Depending on how much I get for my disability backpay and how long it takes to get Pit, I may need anywhere from US$6,000-24,000. That's why my goal is US$6,000.

I'll also need a lot of rehab bc I've been unable to move much for so long, though I'll probably be getting that back here in the US. However, I get kicked off my mom's insurance in November, so I'm trying to get it done before then.

Okay, I think that covers everything. Thank you for your time.

ko-fi.com/ryanthedemiboy

paypal.me/ryanthedemiboy

Venmo: rmodumas

[outrunningthedark]

Do you think eddies parents are ableist? I’ve seen it a lot in fics or alluded to in fics but honestly I don’t remember a ton about their interactions since they’ve only had a few minutes of screen time in the past 4 seasons.

Speaking for myself and myself only, I think there hasn't been enough evidence to support the idea that Helena and Ramon are ableist towards their grandson. They've appeared in just two episodes since Eddie joined the 118, Eddie Begins and This Life We Choose. Because the focus of Eddie Begins was on illustrating how far Eddie had come as a father (running from his responsibilities to promising never to leave Christopher behind again), we did not get a clear picture as to how Helena and Ramon reacted to Christopher's CP. The season prior we learned that Christopher got stuck in the birth canal and there were "complications", but when you watch the flashback from the day he was born, nothing out of the ordinary happens. We witnessed the final (seemingly normal) seconds before Christopher came into the world. Mom and Dad are thrilled. Helena and Ramon are there sometime after the fact cooing over their grandbaby. The next time we encounter them is in El Paso after Eddie returned from Afghanistan. As Eddie brings four-year-old Christopher something to eat and a drink with ice in a plastic cup, Helena says, "Honey, he can't drink this. He needs a straw and no ice. Where are the juice boxes we brought?" Maybe some people found this scene uncomfortable? Christopher "can't" drink from a regular cup and he definitely can't have ice? Three things: - Let's assume Christopher, at four years of age, has not quite yet mastered the ability to hold a cup without spilling its contents. Drinking from a straw allows him to maintain independence rather than look to someone else for help with bringing the cup to his mouth. - Even IF one of the Diazes wanted to help Christopher with his drink, they cannot stop him from possibly choking on the ice. - People with CP are vulnerable to dysphagia (difficulty swallowing) because our spasticity can affect the esophagus by causing uncontrollable contractions that lead to choking. Straws help limit the amount of liquids we take in and allow us to take our time with swallowing to the best our ability. (For the record, I still deal with dysphagia in my early 30s. I take a swig from a water bottle and can immediately feel my muscles reject it. 0/10 do not recommend.) The last appearance by Helena and Ramon is two years later, before Eddie and Christopher relocate to LA. The conversation they have with their son makes no reference to Christopher’s disability or the care he requires because of it. They were concerned about retaining control - “You can’t just take him away from the only stable thing he’s got left. He belongs with us.”  This Life We Choose was another attempt by Eddie’s parents to bring Christopher back home with them to El Paso. Christopher is briefly shown sitting at the kids table, away from his grandparents, his dad, Isabel, and Josephina. This was a good sign, tbh. It showed that everyone in the family is on the same page regarding how much independence and space Christopher should be allowed to have.  The episode concludes with a montage of the celebration following Eddie’s firefighter ceremony. Ramon kisses Christopher on the hand (which made me wonder how much affection Ramon showed Eddie when he was a child), and later Helena is shown talking with him. Not the kind of stuff that would make anyone think they were awful grandparents, you know?  TL;DR If it’s for the sake of a story, people are allowed to write Helena and Ramon however they please. When we’re discussing canon, though? Their issues begin and end with Eddie. 

[lee-scribbles-and-doodles]

My Top Ten Overlooked Movies With Female Leads In No Particular Order

Note: When you see this emoji (⚠️) I will be talking about things people may find triggering, which are spoilery more often then not. I mention things that I think may count as triggers so that people with them will be aware before going in to watch any of these.

Edited: 3/16/21

Hanna (2011)

So, before I get into why you should watch this movie, I just want to take a moment to say why it's near and dear to my heart. Growing up as a queer kid in the early 2000s, seeing portrayals of people like or similar to myself on anything was rare at best. It was mostly in more "adult" movies or shows that my parents would occasionally let me watch with them that I'd see any lgbtq+ rep at all. Often times they were either walking stereotypes, designed to be buried, evil, or all three.

Then here comes this PG-13 action thriller with a wonderfully written main female lead who, at the time, was close to my age, and who got to kiss another girl (her very first friend, Sophie) on screen in an extremely tender and heartwarming scene. To say the least, it was a life changing moment for me personally.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, Hanna is a suspenseful movie about a child super-soldier named, you guessed it, Hanna (played by Saoirse Ronan) and her adoptive (?) father Erik Heller (played by Eric Bana) exiting the snowy and isolated wilderness of their home and taking on the shadowy CIA operative, Marissa Wiegler (played by Cate Blanchette) who wants Erik dead and Hanna for herself for mysterious reasons.

It also has an amazing soundtrack by the Chemical Brothers, great action scenes, and it has an over arching fairytale motif, which I'm always a sucker for.

⚠️ Mild blood effects, some painful looking strikes, various character deaths, and child endangerment all feature in this film. However, given its PG-13 rating, a majority of viewers are presumably able to handle this one. Still, be aware of these going in.

Sidenote: It's recently gotten a TV adaptation on Amazon TV, although I have not watched it, and do not know if Hanna and Sophie's romantic/semi-romantic relationship has transferred over.

A Simple Favor

A Simple Favor is a "black-comedy mystery thriller" centered entirely around the relationship between two mothers, the reclusive, rich, mysterious, and regal Emily (played by Blake Lively), and the local recently widowed but plucky mommy blogger, Stephanie (played by Anna Kendrick). When Emily suddenly goes missing, Stephanie takes it upon herself to find out what happened to her new best friend.

It's a fantastic and entertaining movie throughout, with fun, flawed and interesting characters. The relationship between the two female leads is also implied to be at least somewhat romantic in nature, and they even share a kiss.

⚠️ The only major warnings I can think of is that the movie contains an instance of incest and one of the main plotlines revolves around child abuse, although both of these potentially triggering topics are not connected to each other, so there is thankfully no csa going on.

Edit: I legitimately forgot there was drug use in this movie until now. So, yeah, if that's a trigger, be careful of that.

I Am Mother

I became mildly obsessed with this movie when it came out. I Am Mother is a sci-fi film that centers entirely around a cast of two woman, and a female-adjacent robot who is brought to life on screen with absolutely amazing practical effects.

The plot is such, after an extinction-level event, a lone robot known only as Mother tasks herself with replenishing the human race via artifical means. She begins with the film's main protagonist, Daughter. Years go by as Mother raises her human child and the two prepare for Daughter's first sibling (a brother) to be born. However, on Daughter's 16th birthday, the arrival of an outsider known only as Woman shakes Daughter's entire world view. She begins to question Mother's very nature, as well as what's really going on outside the bunker she and her caretaker call home.

⚠️ This movie features child endangerment and reference to child death.

Lilo and Stitch

When I decided to add a single Disney film to this list I initially thought it was going to be hard but almost immediately my brain went to Lilo and Stitch, and specifically about the relationship between Lilo and Nani.

On the surface, this film is about a lonely little girl accidentally adopting a fugitive alien creature as a "dog," but underneath that the story is also about two orphaned sisters and the older sister's attempts to not let social services tear them apart by stepping up as the younger sister's primary guardian. Despite its seemingly goofy premise, Lilo and Stitch has a very emotional and thoughtful center. It's little wonder how this movie managed to spawn an entire franchise.

Despite the franchise it spawned (or possibly because of it), I often find that Lilo and Stitch is overlooked and many people only remember it for the "little girl adopts an alien as a pet" portion of its plot, and I very rarely see it on people's top 10 Disney lists.

⚠️ This movie could be potentially triggering to people who were separated from their siblings or other family members due to social service intervention. There's also a bit of child endangerment, including a scene where Lilo and Stitch both almost drown.

Nausicaä and the Valley of the Wind

Unlike the above entry, I did struggle a little bit with picking a single Studio Ghibli film. Most media of the Ghibli catalogue have strong, well-written, unique, and interesting female leads so selecting just one seemed like quite the task.

However, I eventually settled on this particular film. In recent months, Princess Nausicaä has become my absolute favorite Ghibli protagonist and I'm absolutely enchanted by the world she lives in.

Set in a post-apocalyptic world overun by giant insects and under threat of a toxic forest and its poisoness spores, Nausicaä must try to protect the Valley of the Wind from invaders as she also tries to understand the science behind the toxic forest and attempts to bridge the gap between the insects and the humans.

For those who have never seen the film, I think Nausicaä's personality can best be described as being similar to OT Luke Skywalker. Both are caring, compassionate, and gentle souls who are able to see the best in nearly anyone or anything. She's an absolutely enthralling protagonist and after rewatching the film again for the first time in well over a decade she has easily become one of my all time favorite protagonists.

Whenever I see people talk about Ghibli films, they rarely mention this one, and when they do mention it, it's often in passing. In my opinion it's a must watch.

⚠️ This movie contains some blood, and the folks who either don't like insects or who have entomophobia may not appreciate the giant bugs running about throughout the movie. (Although most insects do not directly relate to real life bugs, and are fantasy creatures).

A Silent Voice

A Silent Voice is an animated movie adaptation of a manga of the same name. While I've never had the pleasure to read the manga, the movie is phenomenal. It covers topics such a bullying, living in the world with a disability, the desire for atonement, social anxiety, and depression in a well thought out manner that ties itself together through the progression of the relationship between its two leads, Shoya and Shouko. It's also beautifully animated. Although very popular among anime viewers, I've noticed that it's often overlooked by people who watch little to no anime. So I suppose this is me urging non-anime viewers to give this film a chance.

⚠️ As mentioned above, the movie deals with bullying, anxiety, and depression (with this last one including suicidal thoughts and behaviour). If discussion of those topics are triggering to you, than you may want to proceed with caution or skip this movie all together.

In This Corner of The World

Another manga adaptation, this one taking place during WWII-era Japan. In This Corner of The World follows the life of a civilian Japanese woman, Suzu Urano, as she navigates simply living and her new marriage as the wartime invades nearly all aspects of everyday life. I think this movie is a good representation of what it must be like to be living as civilian in a country at war where the fight is sometimes fought on one's own soil. It was also an interesting look into pre-50s Japanese culture in my opinion. It's also beautifully animated featuring an art style I don't see often.

Despite it being well known among anime fans, I never really see it be brought up, even among said anime fans themselves.

Side note: I've seen many WWII dramas centering around civilians but they've almost always been about American or UK civilians. This was the first movie I'd seen that features the perspective of a Japanese civilain.

⚠️ Features the death of a child and limb loss. There's also a disturbing scene featuring a victim of one of the atomic bombs near the end.

Wolf Children: Ame and Yuki

This film follows Hana, a Japan-native woman who fell in love with a magical shape-shifting wolf-man, and her trials with raising their children, who can also magically shape-shift into wolves, on her own. It's a very heartfelt movie about a mother's love and the struggles of doing right by your children when you have limited resources to actively guide and care for them. All the characters feel unique and alive in my opinion. Also, the animation is so good that my sister and I initially mistook it for a Ghibli film.

Again, like the previous two anime entries, I don't see it ever brought up outside of anime circles.

⚠️ There's some child endangerment present in the film, although none of it is the fault of Hana as far as I can remember.

Roman Holiday

Roman Holiday is about the fictional Princess Ann (played by Audrey Hepburn), who while on a whirlwind tour of Europe, finally reaches her breaking point over having her entire life be one big schedule and all her words and actions being rehearsed. In the spur of the moment, she runs away in hopes of experiencing what life is like for other women. Unfortunately, she was previously given a sedative, meaning she doesn't get too far before it takes effect. Fortunately, she is found by the kind reporter Joe Bradley (played by Gregory Peck). Believing her to be drunk and unable to get an address from her (because she has none) he ends up taking her home for safety's sake and allows her to sleep off her suppose drunken stupor. The next day, he realizes who she is, and decides to take her on a fun sight seeing trip across Rome in hopes of getting the big scoop. Along the way, they begin to fall for each other.

This is my favorite black and white, old romance film. I think the relationship between the main characters is absolutely beautiful and I have a lot of fun watching it.

⚠️ I'm not entirely sure what kind of warning this film would need. However, it was released in 1953, so values dissonance will probably be at play for many viewers to at least some extent. For example, early in the film Ann is given sedation drugs by her doctor for her behavior, something that is very unlikely to happen today. Also, Mr Bradley deciding to take Ann home to keep her safe rather than call the police or an ambulance is a very pre-90s decision in my opinion.