#and this blog is the first in awhile i've felt so comfortable on

[thecoolerliauditore]

Pls tell me about Scott's views on women in general pls I'm begging you

o7 and I'm sorry

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fyi, the post itself isn't NSFW, but I'll be getting all gender theory in this bitch so I'll be referencing a lot of things and putting in pictures of naked ppl sometimes. maybe skip this one if you don't like that

(long post)

Disclaimers

An explanation for the tweet up there

I usually don't write these because I assume the people on my blog have enough sense to realise when I'm talking about the characters vs the CCs or are comfortable enough being a little confused, but I feel the need to extra-clarify here and expand on how I specifically view C vs CC because I think it differs a little from the average person.

To me, C and CC are two separate entities but not entirely disconnected. What differs (e.g. the exclusion of irl relationships -- their wives, kids, etc.) is poignant enough to severely detach them from the people they originated from, at least in my eyes, but there's also the fact that these are not scripted characters, just creators being themselves with a hint of behind the scenes drama-adding and improv thrown in.

For example, CC Pearl is a car nerd. So I assume her character is too.

This is where I state very clearly that yes, a lot of these thoughts come from things I've seen on Scott's twitter, which is undoubtedly the CC and not the C. However I, to me, am still talking about the C because any observations/judgments I could make on actual irl youtuber CC guy Scott Major would be tabloid at best and slightly invasive at worst. I'm seeing these statements within the context of "the death game guy would say this too and I'm writing this based on that", not "this is the inner psychological workings of the youtuber because I, as a fan, can totally tell".

TLDR I don't consider this post RPF but you might. This is a little more RPF-y than my usual stuff. If you don't rock with it we cool.

Everyone is weird about women, and that's okay

One short-hand I've used in the past to talk about Scott and women is just by saying that he's "weird about women" which I'm sure isn't exclusive to him.

(shitpost I made awhile back)

I see a lot of people now who love "villains" and "evil" but when it comes to any traits resembling real life evil (e.g. misogyny in this case) they suddenly become insecure. Just a couple of days back a saw a post on twitter essentially asking for permission to continue liking CC Scott in spite of the "bad things" he did.

And I think, in order to present an analysis like this, I must address that mindset first.

This is not a judgment on Scott's morality, nor is it trying to dissuade you from liking him. This is not saying that he is any more misogynistic than any other player in the series. This is just me pointing out Scott's attitude towards women and what I read it as, nothing less or more.

The feelings that me pointing these things out - be they apathy, disgust, anger or, what I would hope to see most, interest - are your own. I'm not here to tell anyone how to feel and never will try to police that on my blog.

Scott's Relationships with Women

aka. oh yeah this is about minecraft.

Scott and Cleo || "Yeah, you can kill me."

Scott and Cleo's alliance is arguably the strongest in the entire series, spanning through all five seasons and remaining unbroken with no (serious) drama attached. You'd expect from this that they two have a very settled and stable understanding of eachother, yet this isn't a case.

Their power dynamic shifts dramatically from one season to the next.

3L's initial Widows Alliance began on fairly equal footing, built on the mutual agreement that they were waiting for their respective partners to die. Both understood they were eachothers' "plan B" and felt comfortable in that arrangement.

Come LL, Cleo does what she couldn't in 3L, and initiates that plan, going to Scott after her last alliance, the fairy fort, fell apart. Scott requests nothing from her in return.

DL is the longest the two spent as eachothers main ally. Cleo is the one who initially proposes teaming up to spite their "cheating" soulmates and Scott agrees. Cleo admits to Martyn in private that she's aware she's taking advantage of Scott (which I've always interpreted as her talking about all seasons, not just DL). Due to the time they spend together, it's here where it becomes apparent that their initial assumptions during 3L were not entirely accurate, as Scott shows a level of gameplay competency much higher than Cleo's (e.g. teaching her how to axe-crit) but despite this Scott never berates her or thinks any less of her value as his ally.

LimL is probably this pairing at their most unhinged, as Scott, despite once again asking for nothing (or very little -- I'll be honest I'm a bit fuzzy on this) in return from Cleo, allows them and their allies to butcher him repeatedly for time. He gives more time to the Clockers than he does to Martyn, his closest ally that season. Despite this, Scott is never ever considered as a "family member" by the Clockers, despite them giving that title to even temporary allies (like the Bad Boys being their cousins) -- even Martyn gets a title with Scott completely unattached.

SL is relatively more chill, but shows that the two inevitably end up teaming together even despite their oath to avoid eachother that season.

The point being -- again and again, we see Scott literally and metaphorically making sacrifices for Cleo, with the only real transaction he requires from her being that she continues having his back when times get rough. This is despite that he's aware she isn't any more capable than he is and the fact that so far it has only been Cleo in rough times (LL, LimL and SL) and never Scott.

Speaking from a purely transactional perspective, Scott is not getting a bargain here -- and even Cleo seems acutely aware of it, judging by her comment during DL as well as the way she tends to speak of her survival capabilities very lowly in general ("rubbish pvp skills and spiffy one-liners"). I'm speaking in this sense because I've seen discussions in the past about the transactional way Scott views relationships but rarely does Cleo get brought up.

This is at stark contrast to how he treats Jimmy, whose predicted death was what spurred on Scott and Cleo's alliance in the first place.

Scott assumes Jimmy is "incompetent", where he assumes Cleo is capable. When Jimmy messes up, he reprimands him, when Cleo struggles to crit him, he patiently teaches her. When LL begins, Scott's first instinct was to look at Jimmy's lives and note that he was "useless to (him)", but holds no objections to Cleo joining his alliance despite her already having enemies being a potential liability. In SL, he jokes about how Cleo and him being allied is a given and pretty much expected of them, whereas in LimL he explicitly requests from Jimmy a recognition that he still cares ("say love you back!") before he will help him.

Scott and Gem || "You HAVE TO kill me, Gem,"

In SL, Gem settles in very easily in a leadership position within Gem and the Scotts due to her trying to live up to her reputation but also due to Scott and Impulse's more laid back, passive playstyles.

Both Scott and Impulse let Gem kill them for extra health this season, although Scott is arguably much more subservient than Impulse is, with him not only insisting that she kill him in the final episode but also not fighting back (and only yelling for her to stop) when she starts hitting him with a sword during the episode where her task was to literally kill everyone on the server.

Once again comparing her to Jimmy, Scott in 3L had a tendency to brush aside Jimmy's concerns over alliances (e.g. Jimmy questioning if they could trust Cleo) while in SL Scott runs his plans by Gem (and Pearl and Impulse) in terms of who he wanted to team up with (specifically excluding Joel from the potential mounders alliance) implying he held her opinion in some form of regard.

Before this becomes less of an analysis of Scott's treatment of men vs women and more of Scott's treatment of Jimmy vs everyone else, I think it's notable enough to mention that he and Martyn also lacked this sort of communication in LimL. He would inform Martyn of his plans, but rarely was it ever framed as a request.

SL almost feels as if Scott has slid Gem into the slot he had previously designated for Cleo in 3L (his girlboss ally) as he provides her and pretty much forces onto her by the end the acts of service he'd become accustomed to performing for Cleo.

Scott and Lizzie || "You killed her! I don't.. I don't know what to even say!"

Relatively shorter section because this is the one woman he hasn't teamed with, but there's still some interesting stuff I wanted to touch on.

In LL, one of the first thing Scott does is yell at Pearl to revenge-kill Joel for boogey-killing him. Pearl does as she's told and Joel's wet miserable pathetic LL life gets worse from there.

Several episodes later, the roles are reversed -- Lizzie lies to both of them and manages to isolate and boogey-kill Pearl. Scott, instead of reacting with the anger he had for Joel, is almost in a state of shock as he asks Lizzie to let him down so he could collect Pearl's belongings. He doesn't act aggressively towards Lizzie at all, with his most antagonizing act against her being to lie about his intentions when giving her a wither skull.

In SL, he's the only one aware of her early permadeath, but keeps quiet about it almost as if he's in a state of shock akin to when he saw Lizzie kill Pearl in LL. It's not until the others have noticed when he finally brings it up.

Scott and Pearl || "Tilly death do us 'part"

I wrote a whole post just for their relationship alone so for the sake of my sanity I'll be leaving this here.

So now I get to dedicate this section to the meat of this post -- how the way Scott treats women in general impacts his relationship with Pearl and how I view his heel-turn on her as seeping with relevance to Pearl's perceived gender.

In all three of the previous sections, the running theme is that Scott is 1. kinder and more patient with women, regardless of their competency and 2. someone who likes to be in a supporting role to women, occasionally aiding them more than he aids himself and his closer male allies (e.g. Jimmy and Martyn). As shown with Cleo, he assumes that girls have it together, but even if they don't it's not a big deal. When a girl's actions are truly disastrous, such as with Lizzie's, he goes into a state of shock and doesn't really react, preferring to swallow it down and not acknowledge it.

With the amount of times he sacrifices himself, I don't think it's a reach to say that Scott values his own life less than he values the lives of his (female) allies. This specific point actually does extend to his male allies too, shown when he's happy when Martyn literally backstabs him in LimL, but just as with the Martyn post where I point out his victim status-ing doesn't end at only women but includes all the women, Scott has pedastal-ed all the women he's teamed with.

Lizzie is, once again, the exception here due to his limited interactions with her. However that's actually somewhat patched over if you look at adjacent series (such as x-life) where he definitely shows her a level of admiration and respect.

Back to Scott and Pearl.

Their relationship during LL is very standard of how Scott treats women. While the power dynamic between them is obviously more caused by the initial life trade agreement, I don't think it's a far reach to say that Scott is somewhat comfortable in the arrangement.

However, this is also the first thing that sets their relationship apart from Scott with Cleo or Gem -- Pearl is the one making sacrifices, not Scott. She is the one "sacrificing" her lives to him, just in a more non-violent way as allowed by the season's mechanics.

When viewed through this lens, Scott trying to make it up to her and wanting his effort acknowledged makes even more sense. This is suddenly uncharted waters for him. His assuming that Pearl doesn't value him as a person goes hand in hand with him valuing himself less than her.

What Scott has with Cleo or Gem, situations where the other party is clearly uncomfortable with how he treats himself (Gem) or actively aware they are taking advantage of him (Cleo), is equalized to him because he is inherently worth less. What he has with Pearl, on the other hand, looks more equal to most people (lives vs labour) but is wildly imbalanced to him.

It's one of the many factors I see going into Scott's weird decision to abandon her in DL.

An Interlude, Before We Get to DL

La Pieta, Michelangelo

So this has been a lot of words so far and some of you might be wondering at this point: why say Scott is "weird" about women when so far this has been describing how he values women more, is kinder to them, is more patient with them, etc.? How is any of this behaviour remotely misogynistic?

And I would feel horrible if I forced you to read through all of my DL thoughts before I clarified this -- Scott is not your classic wifebeater "women are lesser" misogynist, Scott is someone who subscribes to misogynistic schools of thought and probably considers himself an ally to women, when in reality his beliefs are still rooted in dehumanizing them and these beliefs end up harming the women around him as well as himself.

After all, seeing women are your superiors is still not seeing them as your equals.

I know it's a bit of a meme on this blog at this point. But. Sigmund Freud identified what we know refer to as the "madonna/whore complex", which he described as a pattern of behaviour in men who separated women into being madonnas (pure, holy and admirable) and whores (debased, sexual, deviant). We'll be focusing on the former, the madonna, as it is more relevant to Scott's character.

Freud proposed that the madonna figure was something men projected onto women as a replacement for maternal love. These women are sacred and untouchable, literally as the projection of the maternal role onto them also makes it so that the sufferer cannot feel any sexual attraction towards her (keep this in mind for later).

Scott projects the madonna figure onto his female compatriots -- they are to be protected, served and supported. They are goddesses, queens, but they are never human. The madonna role in of itself is not inherently harmful to the woman, as seen with Cleo who takes control and advantage of it. However, it is enforced, as seen with Gem who at first revels in the superiority but almost breaks down when Scott offers him up as her sacrificial lamb one last time.

I linked this Utena AMV awhile back when vaguely talking about Scott and women, and this was the point I was alluding to.

Girls are beautiful and pure. They don't spit on the street, they don't piss on the street, they don't build hierarchies -- they subvert all the expectations of masculinity that I hate having to deal with. They are my escape.

But what about the girls who do spit on the street? The girls who piss on seats? Who build social hierarchies, who size up their competition?

The girls Scott interacts with are all painfully human. Cleo weaponizes his beliefs and take advantage of him. Scott is smart enough to know and accept this. Gem's playing into a role she has been assigned into by not only Scott but everyone around her. Scott supports the character she plays. Lizzie reflects traits he hates in Joel and Jimmy, but for her, he looks the other way.

Are they "demons", as the song says, or are they no longer girls at all?

(demons, gods, but never humans)

Weaponized Femininity and Women In Total Control of Themselves ;)

Hylas and the Nymphs, John William Waterhouse

Historically, weaponized femininity I'd argue is one of the oldest tropes in storytelling. Whether it's nymphs or sirens or witches or succubi or even more roundabout cases like Helen of Troy, there's countless stories of men's sexual attraction to women leading them to disaster.

One way to view these stories is to see them as warnings, don't let womens allure be the end of you.

There's a lot of good writing done on the femme fatale trope both in the context of weaponizing femininity and as a sexist way to argue against victims of sexual assault, as these stories often say that men who experience attraction to these "evil" women no longer have agency over their own actions.

Look at the painting above, for example - is it the nymphs who are responsible for drowning Hylas, or is Hylas climbing into the lake of his own accord?

Despite the fact we all know sirens, nymphs and succubi aren't real, the belief that men will simply lose control of themselves when encountering a particularly alluring woman persists to the modern consciousness. That there's something inherently dangerous about women and attraction to them.

(this is not 100% applicable to Ninja saying he won't stream with women, but it's the real life example I felt most comfortable putting in here)

Now, let's combine this with what's been said so far -- let's say you don't hate women. You love women, in fact, and you hate the way men treat women. You hate men, in fact.

Yet, you still believe in this inherent power women hold by being female and the loss of agency that men experience when attracted to them -- how disgusting.

It quickly becomes easily to not only demonize men for sullying the holiness of women, but also men, masculinity and attraction to women as a whole.

(apologies for using twt discourse in the meta post but this flew by my TL and i had to grab the irl example of mens non-violent attraction to women being used to frame them as misogynistic before the stupid app refreshed and i lose everything forever)

"To Venner" is a student film exploring a world set within this belief, where all the women have vanished and the men have become monstrous figures as a result of their pent up sexual frustration. fyi this is one of my favourite student films (and ive watched a bunch), but I do think its messaging is worth breaking down (especially its juxtaposition of dirty horrible monstrous sexuality vs pure and beautiful romantic love)

NOTE: this film is super graphic, lots of violence and nudity. have fun. or not

I admit this section is a bit hard to gauge as everyone in the series is gay as fuck. The closest in-series example I can think of is Scott reacting to Martyn's antics in DL with a sort of indigence but otherwise I can't really think of an example of a man expressing attraction to a woman at all, let alone one Scott reacted to. However, I do think it's still worth talking about because it opens up some interesting trains of thought in regard to Scott and Pearl.

For Scott, he himself has never been part of the picture. He's gay, after all, which gives him an edge over the bad straight men who objectify and assault women. Likewise, there's little evidence to suggest he finds the expectations of masculinity frustrating, but I don't think it's too far a reach considering how common of an experience that is for gay men and his adapting of more feminine mannerisms.

Double Life and Corruption

As mentioned in my previously linked post about Scott and Pearl's relationship, I do think Scott experiences what he would name as attraction towards Pearl, so my writing will reflect that.

Pearl is. ahem. not like other girls.

Not actually. But to Scott, she probably isn't like other girls.

She remains unaware of his different standards for her (how could she when she had nothing to compare them to), she acts out, sometimes violently, against Scott's urging (such as when she stole from Scar's wagon). She maintains their already irregular dynamic, and while she appreciates his care for her, she never quite falls into seeing him as a source of subservience the way Cleo or Gem do.

At the end of LL, right before the 1v1v1v1, she monologues to herself that she no longer has to feel bad for killing Scott. Which, in turn, implies she expected Scott to give it his all against her as well.

She entirely fails to embody the madonna with her immature naivete and her questionable morals. She is unpredictable, she doesn't take what she is owed, she is a monster in a lot of ways.

Scott, too, is a monster, to himself, for how he feels about her.

The very foundations of your understanding of yourself being ripped apart aside, let's rewind to the madonna/whore complex. To sexualise the madonna is to corrupt her and make a monster of yourself. Suddenly, you are no better than the men around you, the ones you've grown to hate. Suddenly, you are the grotesque figures in films like To Venner. You are Hylas and she is the nymph. And you are so stupid. Your worldview crumbles around its flawed foundations.

Scott is, however, immune to this corruption. This is a theme that appears in Empires as well, but throughout the traffic series he's prided himself on being loyal and kind and good. His monologue leading up to LL's 1v1v1v1 summarizes it quite well.

He can't let himself or anyone else see this side of him, but the energy needs to go somewhere. To defy fate, abandon your soulmate, is to admit you had a fate in the first place, is to acknowledge that she was your soulmate in the first place.

I've previously talked about how fate and romance are very ingrained in Scott's belief system, if it was anyone else it would've been amazing. He could've been like Bdubs and Impulse or Ren and Bigb, diving into domestic life and performative romance with a stranger. Or the world could've made his happy ending from 3L real, as he got to be Jimmy's husband all over again. I think it says something that he accepts Cleo as a "soulmate" before Pearl.

So what do you do with all that energy and tension, clearly apparent to yourself and everyone else, when you can't let them observe your feelings?

You project them.

Shout-outs to @/legally-allowed-to-slime for pointing out Pearl's comment early on in DL that she "feels like (she's) been broken up with" confirms she never saw Scott in a romantic sense. The "crazy ex-girlfriend" and "this is why I'm gay" comments really did come out of thin air, or perhaps insecurity.

Pearl is the crazy one. She's insane, because she wants me. She wants to be with me, so she does all this crazy stuff. She's lost control of herself because she wants me. She's disgusting.

I mentioned before that Scott is not your classic misogynist, but this is where the gears start turning. Scott's views of Pearl echo that of other players, most prominently Ren and Martyn, that Pearl has been overcome with some sort of corruption. She has become the witch, the demoness, the whore, in their eyes. Scott does not want to be the same as these men and I think his overcorrecting his behaviour in SL makes sense when you view it from this angle, but for now he has to rely on more traditional misogyny in order to navigate this new obstacle.

"Corruption" also implies that she had to have been pure (or at least pure-er) beforehand, something Scott personally knows is not true, but it falls in line with defaulting women to being "madonnas".

This is a Scott post but. shout outs to Ren for being all of this about Pearl but without the complexity of Scott like he literally accuses Pearl of seducing Bigb what the fuck man.

Pearl is, of course, none of that. But she plays into the role of being the witch much better than she fared playing into the role of the madonna.

Sidenote: I know I'm looking at this from a Scott/Pearl POV but I do feel like you can omit Scott's attraction if you look at it from a purely "pearl not performing to standards of femininity I expect and she makes me realise I don't view women as a whole as human which makes me feel weird so now we have to do this" POV. Like idk I think the exact reason he abandoned Pearl is going to be lost on everyone forever so any analysis I could perform is going to suffer at least a little bit of making-shit-up-itis.

I do also think there's something to be said about Pearl being pushed until she performed a role, any role and generally failing at Being A Girl tm but that's another post i think. yknow shes um. a bit. 🏳️‍⚧️ (but also very much not at the same time idk that's gonna need its own post)

anyway yeah uh the minecraft movie looks crazy huh

[bangchansslut6]

{Desperate for your love..}

Part one...

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°•°•—Authors note: SO I've been gone..for about a year🙈 i honestly forgot I have a blog and now only remembered. I've had this idea in mind for awhile so..YAY!! Also i decided to make this into TWO parts so i could upload the first one faster!!•°•°—

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°•°•—WARNINGS: fem reader, Smut, Fluff kinda, WATERBORDING, comfort, kidnapping? Blood, vampires, alcohol, breeding kink, blood kink, dom kink, corruption kink, virgin reader, innocent reader, Dom!Chan, Sub!Reader. Chan is a vampire Reader is human and is described as curvy—•°•°

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Chan was known all over the land. His whole family was. The Bahngs the most dangerous vampire family that had ever been reported. Their king, James Bahng was a special type of vampire and had led that onto his three sons including Chan.

They were all extremely feared and nobody dared approached the forest they were said to live in.

Chan was the oldest of three brothers. He was now at the age of 2667 or in human years that would be 26. And still not married. Chan was known as the strict and cold brother. He was known to be extremely quiet and cold but VERY powerful. Chans power stat could go higher then his father.

It was a usual half moon night. The air was gloomy and foggy. Chan was walking around the forest hands behind his back. He had black dress pants on with some black shoes. A red button up and a black royal vest with a black coat on. A silver chain around his neck and some rings on his fingers.

Walking around the gloomy night Chan heard the humans cheering. With curiosity Chan walked towards the sound to see them cheering as a woman. A beautiful woman. Was tied to a tub filled with water. She had a bag over her head and was continually being submerged in the water. Chan could hear her crying from where he was standing.

Usually he wouldn't have cared. But this woman made his heart race and his palms get sweaty for no reason. He looked forward looking at her body. His eyes felt a slight sting before going back to normal..did..he just get a zing?

A zing was a thing that vampires got once they found true love. And there was Chans. About to die. A zing happened only once in a vampires life and Chans was finally here.

Stepping out the shadows Chan made himself present and all the villagers yelled in fear and ran while the woman was still tied. Chan walked over to her and untied to knot letting her fall but catching her before she did.

She was beautiful. Her hair and body and skin. She was breathtaking. Picking her up in his arms Chan looked down at her. His blood red eyes shining a bit in the moonlight.

"Why must humans ruin everything beautiful?" Chan whispered to himself touching readers cheek with his cold hand. "Your so freaking adorable. Like a little bunny. Now your my bunny." Chan grabbed her waist picking her up bridal style.

—Reader POV—

I felt air finally hit my lungs. I trembled the night was cold against my damp dress. My vision was blurry. Who was this man? I didn't know. But his features and his strength made me blush. I didn't fight back. I couldn't I was too weak and out of breath.

When I opened my eyes again I saw we were indoors. In his house I'm guessing. I was on a bed. A big bed. It was black with silk and cotton covers.

The room is dark..too dark to see my surroundings. I can see a desk and a closet though..where am I?

Finally after awhile of quiet thinking I stand up grabbing onto anything I could not to fall because my legs were so sore. But then there's a sound. A sound of a out of tune piano playing a creepy tune. Of course it sounds nice but the echo makes me shiver in fear but also confusion. I needed to leave. Now.

°•°•—AUTHORS NOTE: SOO this is the first part and honestly I think I did horrible! 😭 I've been reading it over and over and I just think it's bad. As you all know I am a new writer so their is definitely some BAD mistakes and I know it's short but I promise part two will be better!!—•°•°

[alluralater]

i just want to say that i have been watching the two of you fall in love since october and its the sweetest thing to witness, im endlessly happy for you both

i showed this to her and she was like "we really thought we weren't being obvious" LMFAOO. settle in for some romantic gushing <3

can you believe i pulled her?? i still cannot. i mean i know i'm funny but goddamn. to be able to fulfill her in so many ways is a privilege and a pleasure. she and i were made for one another. for instance, the first time i saw her, my legs gave out. that only happens when i'm overwhelmed with romantic sensation OR when i'm so turned on, like excruciatingly turned on with someone. in her case it was both, the only case of both. let's just say i'm glad there was a surface nearby for me to hold onto. do you know how hard it is to be smooth and collected with a woman like this??? a goddess in both mind and body??? we tried so hard not to fall in love. at the beginning we were joking around about it and being so unserious. now it's completely serious and has been for a while. the first time she said she was falling in love with me i felt like i got the fucking wind knocked out of me. it was so forceful that i can't even call it an exhale because it wouldn't be true. this was all the breath pulled from my lungs like someone removing ribbon from spool in unexpectedly quick fashion. fate brought us together and i'm very grateful to know her. i was the first between us to say i was falling in love with her. i waited awhile even after i knew. i've never been the first to say that to anyone before. it wasn't scary like people say it is. it was... certainty. it was calm and relief. saying it aloud felt like i had let something go from within me that had been dying to leave for longer than i realized. when she said it to me i was practically levitating. she hid how she felt for a long time for fear that it would scare me off, and honestly it was probably the best move. i'm glad she let me be the one to say it first. she would not have scared me off but it was amazing being able to say that to someone and completely mean it without the pressure of them forcing me to do so. we both have a history of people becoming infatuated with us without actually knowing us and so we were really comfy with one another and just letting things go wherever they went. we prioritized our friendship. comfort, communication, and safety above all. less than 5% of our interactions happen on tumblr but i am really thankful now that i started this blog. i'm sure fate would have guided us together some other way but i'm grateful i met her now. the universe sent her to me when my life was in massive disarray and i was even more against the idea of allowing love into my life. aphrodite fr said "you're silly. time to get clowned" lmfaoooo. AND?? did i mention she's perfectly made for me when it comes to sex too, like what the fuck?? no person should ever be this perfect and exist outside of fiction/fantasy but she does. i need to hire someone to craft the absolute most beautiful engagement ring that has ever been seen by human eyes. a goddess like her deserves that at the very least <3

@maidenpalais i will cherish you always.

[redamoureux]

Yay a yandere tf2 blog! Thank you for writing for it.

Two potential prompts:

HCs or drabble of yandere sniper stalking and kidnapping someone he's become obsessed with, and keeping them locked in his camper van

And/or

HCs or drabble of yandere spy assassinating readers corrupt family, but becoming enchanted by the reader, so he decides to kidnap them and take them for his own, hiding them away from a world that believes them dead?

─Damsel 𝗂𝗇 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝗍𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗌

Yandere Red/Blu Spy Headcanons/Short

• trigger warnings: manipulation, false comfort, possesive behaviour, implied kidnapping, obsession at first sight, implied murder, forced relationship

• genre: romantic | ooc spy (?)

a/n: ohh, i like your second idea anon! Thanks for the request! Again, this might have some grammar errors because i'm feeling a little too tired to redraft it again x-x

Sneaking in and blending in with the crowds was never a trouble for Spy.

With his charming personality and neat outfit, he is easily off any suspicion.

Currently on his yet another mission, he observes around the large-scale grand banquet room, searching for his chosen target.

Occasionaly, there would be plenty of womens that tried to presuade him to go with them. And as much as he was tempted, he knows he needs to stay focus, Atleast just during his job.

What he didn't expect is to meet you.

Spy saw you standing outside the mansion balcony, back facing towards him while you're gazing upon the dark blue sky that adorned with small sparkling stars.

  For a uncanny reason, he somehow felt a voice in his head whispering to him to reach out to you. And he decided to act on it. A small chitchat wouldn't hurt anyone right? 

He wouldn't want to admit it, But his talk with you was suprisingly delightful. You were polite, attentive and outwardly interested to what he had to say. Even though, he hates the fact that you are his objective's child. When you first mentioned it, he was dumbstruck with disbelief.

How could a ravishing and gracious person like you be related with such an pompous and corrupt fool? Spy felt himself almost boiling in rage upon hearing that you are about to be engaged by your father's request.

He hates the way he felt when he saw the sad expression on your face but this only encouraged him more to finish his task.

Gazing up at the slanting rays of the setting sun on colorful orange sky, wind softly blowing through your hair. Distant sounds of people speaking. You sense the feeling of reminiscence, remiding you much of what happend after that one fateful night. You closed your eyes, wanting to get rid of the memory. when almost all your family members were murdered in your own home, infront of your eyes. 

"Ma fleur?" A familiar voice called. You opened your eyes and turned around to see Spy standing nearby the door with a black paper bag in hand.

"Oh, hey spy." You greeted him. He puts down the paper bag on a close table and walks over to you, seemingly a little worried.

"You didn't respond when i called you earlier. I was worried something might've happend."

"Ah. I'm sorry. I guess i was just really lost in my thoughts."  "Is there something bothering you, dear?" 

You sigh and looked down. Hesitation evident on your face. "..I've just been thinking about my family. It has been awhile now, and- the police certainly are still searching right? I know some of my family are still alive.." your sentences dwindle down as you felt like yourself almost tearing up.

Spy frowned and gently places his hands on your shoulder making you look up into his blue eyes.  "Amour, we've talked about this. You know how filthy and wicked your family are, they clearly do have any regards or concerns about you. You've seen how they didn't even mention about you during questioning." Spy stated firmly.

You believe he's telling the truth. How could you not? You've seen it all yourself. Your family doesn't care. Moreover, He was also the one who saved you from that assasination.  You avoided his gaze for a few moment before nodding slowly and Spy smiles in respone, brushing a strand of hair off your face. "Besides, it's much better when you're with me anyway, right dear?" you nodded again and smiled.

Spy pulled you closer and embraced you and in return you did the same.  He lets you go and stares at you lovingly, "Come, mon amour, i want to show you something."  Maybe it is best that you're off without your family after all.

──

─── 

What you didn't know is that, behind all Spy's sweet gifts and affectionate gestures, he was the one behind your family's assasination. He purposesly invited you to witness just how disgusting your family's work has been before ending their  valueless life. You, saw him as your saviour, and he is never planning on changing that.

@redamoureux

[27paperlilies]

hey! how are you?

dropped in for some advice: how do you find peace with what you write? lately, I've started to hate everything I write. I generally am extremely critical of my writing but lately, I've just been so critical that I can't even get through a paragraph.

writing used to be my comfort zone and safe space, but now I just feel like an imposter

Hi! I'm doing okay (ish) , thankyou !

My first question would be, who are you writing for? So you have alot of internal dialogue, alot of noise clouding your end peice. Now to find peace I would suggest figuring out where this noise is coming from.

Sometimes when people write for the wrong reasons or get lost in validation and others expectations, they become overly critical and concerned with those opinions, when the only real opinion that matters is their own.

If this is the case for you, I would take a break from the social dialogue and just journal for awhile, this could be just about your day to day experiences and thoughts /feelings. Try to remember that it doesn't have to be perfect or poetic in anyway, just write your own raw unfiltered thoughts. This might help with letting words flow and excepting them as they are.

If these thoughts are coming from a place of not feeling good enough, then I would try to remember why you started writing, and how you felt before this critical thinking started. A process that might help, is logically dissecting the souce of these critiques and detangling any self doubt. Try writing about these feelings, with no judgement to yourself. Sometimes writing about the troubles of writing is good way to find your way through said troubles

Now I haven't gone through any critical thoughts myself, probably because i generally just treat this blog and any writing as just something for me, its just my thoughts and that allows for no critically judging. I wouldn't critique my thoughts so i don't my writing as they are one in the same. I hope this helps, and I'm sorry if this is just a whole load of nonsense.

[rainitsarakun]

INTRODUCING HELGA. hello everyone, i'm helga! i'm 25+, prefer she/her pronouns and am in the est timezone! i play rain & jaeyong who are portrayed by lisa and baekhyun respectively. this blog is my main one, while jaeyong is on a sideblog, so a lot of my correspondence will be from this one. you can also find me on discord @ storiiies, so feel free to hit me up there!

INTRODUCING RAIN & JAEYONG. my first muse is the lovely rain itsarakun who is 27 years old and is meant to be a visitor, though she is working as a fitness trainer at yuseong community center, so her roots maybe already be taking place in yuseong bay after staying for 3 years now. her profile page can be found here! my second muse is cha jaeyong, and he is a 31 year old lifelong resident of yuseong bay. he works as a beekeeper, offering pollination services to local farms, but he also sells surplus honey at a farmer's market stall. his profile can be found here!

RAIN'S PROMPT ANSWERS

when did your muse first arrive in yuseong bay? "it was, ohhh, about three years ago now? it was so foggy, i could barely see the bay, but i still felt more at home here than i had in awhile. i had to get away from chiang mai ... a bad relationship, you see. i'll spare you the details, but my family always used to come on vacation to yuseong bay and there was someone here i was friends with when i was younger. i decided to go out on a limb and reach out to them and long story short, here i am."

what does an average day look like for your muse? "i wake up pretty early and i'll usually have some breakfast or a shake, if i don't grab something from the café on the way to work. then i head to the community center, or to the gym more specifically, usually with my playlist at full volume by that point, but i digress. i'll spend a good hour stretching before my shift starts, because you do not want to experience a muscle giving out or locking up on you when you're holding a heavy weight. then i'll start working with my usual clients, walking them through certain pacing issues, showing them new techniques or spotting for them. then i might join in on a dance or baking class, depending on what's going on at the center that day? sometimes i'll stop by the bar on my way home to have a drink with a couple of friends, or i'll meet with my pai gow club to play a few games to wind down after work. then it's pretty much home to have dinner, maybe read a little bit and then i'll head to bed."

where can your muse usually be found? "i can't lie, i spend a lot of my time at the community center. whether it's at the gym or in the pool, at one of the other classes or just out on the grounds. it's a nice, peaceful place to be."

how does your muse feel about hanhwa resort? "i guess i'm not really sure? on the one hand, people who stay there come to the gym sometimes and need a trainer, so it kicks more business my way, but ... i also can't help but feel like it's slowly taking away some of the magic of yuseong bay? commercializing it, i guess you could say. i feel bad for the people it's affecting negatively."

is there an aspiration for your muse to stay in or leave yuseong bay? "i would just like some time, i suppose. some would argue i've had more than enough, but the truth is, i'm still finding out who i am and what i want to do. i hate when people act like i should have it all figured out. i don't think that will ever happen, but i hope being here can help."

list your muse's three favorite songs. slow dancing in a burning room by john mayor, if you love her by tokyo tea room & fingers crossed by lauren spencer-smith.

describe your muse's wardrobe. frequently pairs hoodies, jeans and sneakers if she’s not strolling around in vibrantly colored sportswear. her fashion choices are fairly basic, prioritizing comfort and breathability over style. when she does dress up, she likes an elegant a-line silhouette.

what is a color, word, and emoji that you feel describes your muse? i think an ashy grayish blue fits her because of its difficulty in placing as it pertains to emotion or mood. the word i think fits her the most is 'drapetomania'. the emoji that is best suited for rain is probably 🌧.

three strong likes and dislikes for your muse. likes: exercise, cold water & cats. dislikes: scarecrows, gossip & crash dieting.

three positive and negative traits for your muse. positive: amicable, energetic & sensible. negative: stubborn, flighty & distant.

three talents and shortcomings for your muse. she's rather adept at helping people build muscle or get active, as she's very encouraging and energetic in the gym. she's also a talented dancer, always volunteering to help out in dance classes held at the community center. rain has a talent for pai gow too, having been an avid player since she was a child, and she does very well in tournaments. her biggest shortcoming is her uncommunicative nature, as she often would rather suffer in silence than tell people close to her something is wrong. she's also prone to running away from a difficult situation rather than facing it head on and resolving things. she can also be a little defense if she feels people are being accusatory towards her.

what is a book/tv series/movie/video game character that you feel your character relates to? i definitely think rain has a similarity to leah from stardew valley, but i also draw parallels between her and sophie hatter in how mild-mannered, sensible and humble they both are.

a relevant goal or arch for your character to overcome. i would like to develop rain's ability to trust other people with her feelings in all facets of life, as it's arguably her biggest struggle. i would also like for her to let go of all the anger and resentment she feels for her ex since it's really only hurting her in the long run.

if you would like to plot with rain, please like this post and i'll come bug you! i'll be posting jaeyong's prompt answers separately on his blog 💟

[merakiui]

(4) obviously I love your x reader fics the most hehe. but I really do like the occasional sprinkling of polycules or at least open relationships u do amongst characters and certain dynamics !! I know a lot of them aren't necessarily ships between the other characters ^^; but u write their dynamics so well and it's fun to see how they interact with one another when a further person (reader) is involved :D if that makes sense ^^;

(8) god the descriptive imagery you paint and OMG THE ATTENTION TO DETAIL!!! your attention to detail and symbolism featured in your work such as dru and 11:11 !! those are some of the most notable works that come to my mind, but really any of your longer work or even a few specific drabbles always seem to hold so much detail !! I remember (awhile back) after u had updated dru with a new chapter, anons were pointing out your foreshadowing and specific symbolism from earlier chapters and theorizing for future chapters and aaa !! it was so fun, really felt like we were playing detective hehe, and it really shows how well you keep your readers interested and attentive ^_^ and omg every one of ur fics has such amazing setting and I find myself absolutely enamored and immersed with the scene!! 11:11 made me awestruck with the scenery the first time i read it, and then left me amazed at the symbolism the next few times i read it!! OMG AND YOUR PACING!! how did I not mention that earlier omg T__T .. your pacing is absolutely fantastic. and how you can so easily achieve the right tone and pacing depending on the context!! the slow and steady parts in a tense and suspenseful atmosphere that never let the reader get too comfortable >:) or other times, it begins fast paced and sudden before slowly fizzling out to a cliffhanger or masterful and concluding ending!! and the overall sensual and loving undertones of your more fluffy and intimate work and the gentle pacing that comes with them T__T orz you are truly a master at pacing. OH AND AAHHH your ability to write such re-readable work !! whether it's a longer and more developed piece or a quick thought u had rushed, i always find myself going back thru your tags or scrolling thru ur blog and re reading things I know I've already read a dozen times before because aaa T__T I just really adore your work so much and everytime I read from you, it always feels like a treat that i'm unwrapping and indulging in for the first time <3

(11) as much as i love all of your current work, something I would love to see more of would definitely be you writing and exploring the other dorms + characters in more depth!! :D I adore how you paint pomefiore and diasomnia, despite not writing much of the latter ^^; and I'd love to see more scarabia and savanaclaw content from you as well!! I know you've explored kalim/jamil briefly before but I think you'd have tons of fun writing kalims character in more complex scenarios since he's such a fun, optimistic, and upbeat guy and a bit oblivious .. and the possibilities of a character like jamil orz !! but of course, never feel pressured for that kind of stuff !! writing characters that are, well, actually somewhat consistent to their canon character can be such a hard feat to achieve, so don't worry too much about exploring other characters if you're not yet ready to tackle their personalities, or if u simply don't have an interest in them !! I'm always happy with any content you currently publish, so it wouldn't bother me if you prefer to stick with dorms/characters you're most familiar with 🫶🫶

sry if this was long .. I hope I didn't miss/forget anything that I wanted to say T_T

(ask game)

DEAREST ANON, OMG OMG THANK YOU!!!!!!! I want to preface my ramblings by saying please never apologize for long asks!!! I love to read asks regardless of how short or long they may be. Additionally, I cannot thank you enough for sending such a sweet message OMG?????? AAAAAAA okay okay!!!! >w< now I will delve into my ramblings per section! :D

I'm so happy you can enjoy the dynamics and relationships in my writing! With Pomefiore especially, though I don't write it often, I love their entire dynamic as a group, so the thought of them sharing a darling together is very fun!! Although this applies for any group of yanderes! Heartslabyul is so much fun when they're all pining for the same person. Of course, this is also the same case for Octavinelle and Diasomnia. Just,,,, any group of yanderes is fun to write for because they all are united with the common similarity of sharing darling, but they all interact with darling in separate, different ways, which I greatly enjoy writing about. Additionally, how the characters themselves will interact with each other! Like Ace and Deuce being an example of "the enabler" and "the enabled." Deuce tries so hard to be good, but it's difficult when Ace is in his ear, twisting his rationality and morals. ;;;;

AAAAAA thank you so much for enjoying my descriptive imagery and details!!! One of my favorite things about writing series is that I can sprinkle in all kinds of foreshadowing that span throughout chapters, which allows for readers to theorize and make guesses about what might happen next in the plot. Playing detective is so fun!!! DRU is full of symbolism and details big and small. I'm always so excited to read everyone's theories and thoughts on recent chapters and the story overall. I'm also so attached to the setting because it feels like such a vibrant city despite all of the darkness that is happening beneath the surface.

Speaking of settings, thank you for liking the settings in my stories!!!!!! With 11:11, I just had to place Rook in a cabin in the woods. He fits into that sort of backdrop so well! I'm glad you could enjoy your reading of it. As is common with my fics, there was an absurd amount of detail and symbolism weaved throughout despite it being a relatively compact fic. ^^;;; it's a little scary how easy it was to write Rook for that fic... but I'm proud of the outcome! He's a terrifying menace in that plot.

AAAAAA THANK YOU FOR SAYING SO ABOUT MY PACING!!!!!! To be called a master... I'm really flattered and so relieved to know my pacing is done just right. I often worry about my pacing in smut scenes. On one hand, I don't want it to be a few paragraphs or too short where it feels rushed or hastily composed; I really want to dig deep into the sensations and feelings of that scene, as well as illustrate the connection between the reader and the character. But then I also don't want to write a smut scene that feels like it drags on. orz I'm very happy to know that is not the case!

:o re-readable work!!!!! I'm forever shocked when I'm told that people read my work more than once. It never occurs to me that my stories are worth a second, third, or even fourth read. >_< so thank you for loving it enough to read more than once!! I am eternally grateful that both long and short works (fics and ramblings) can be enjoyed over and over!! <3 I hope to continue to provide you with more tasty treats hehe!!!

Aaaa yes!!! I plan to explore more characters beyond the ones I already write a lot of (looking directly at Octavinelle). Lately I've wanted to write a lot of Jamil and Vil thoughts, but I also hope to write more for characters like Leona and Malleus and more of other dorms as a whole! Book six flipped a switch in me and now I have even more love for the characters. >0< with Jamil, I want to write a short fic called [...] (yes, that is the title...for now) in which you match with him on a dating app, but he's secretly your stalker. Stalker Jamil is currently my favorite flavor of Jamil, but I am compiling all manner of facts about him and his personality so that I can write him in a convincing, in-character manner! Also,,, enemies to lovers with Jamil, but then I want to use that trope for nearly every twst character lol. But I will definitely write more for other characters! :D I hope those writings will be enjoyed when they are posted!!!!

[witchydykebitch]

hi ki!! not sure if the ask box is open or not, but I’m a new follower and one of your posts inspired me. You mentioned not feeling sexy as a fat person bc of how previous partners treated your body, and if you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to know more about your experiences and how someone can better support their partner of a different body type, and help them feel and know just how gorgeous and sexy they are!! As someone with a small body type, I want to better learn and understand experiences and feelings of my fellow sapphics with different body types so I can go above and beyond to support and love on them!!! ❤️❤️❤️

(please correct me if anything I said was incorrect or offensive!!!)

(also feel free to ignore because it is absolutely NOT your job to educate me or others, I just want to learn beyond the surface level by reaching out to the beautiful sapphic community 💕)

This is such a lovely ask so first off thank you, a big reason I started this blog was to boost my confidence as a fat lesbian and discuss these kinds of things so I appreciate you asking for some elaboration!

It took me awhile to get around to this ask because I wanted to make sure I gave it a lot of thought.

I'm going to give a bit of context to that post to start off but I've dealt with previous partners who would desexualize me for my fatness so I felt like I couldn't be sexy and made me feel as if I had to cover up the parts that they deemed undesirable.

I was insecure about my body before these partners but it would've made a world of difference if they had made the effort to make me feel hot.

I think too many thinner people only find certain aspects of fat people desirable when we deserve to have our whole body desired, not just bc we may have a big ass or boobs, y'know?

My biggest piece of advice would be to just, love on your partner and appreciate their body for what it is, enjoy every inch of them, make sure to communicate how much you love the way they look and compliment the parts of their body that they may be insecure about!

Also acknowledge that existing in a thin body vs. existing in a fat body are two very different experiences and that if your partner is bigger, they are the expert on what being fat means for them and how they move through society.

[bellaxgiornata]

I *WANTED* your long winded answers! I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I definitely would take fic recommendations from you! And they don’t have to be JUST Matt Murdock fics either. I’m super glad you mentioned TRT, it’s like the Murdock Fic Bible at this point. I need to go back to it again because I never finished it and it’s been so long now (wah) but I think that was one of, if not THE first, DD fanfic I started reading and it was so overwhelming (in the best way) with chapters and the way it was so wonderfully written.

I was even thinking to myself that I *didnt* want you to say that FFTD or ATY was your favorite work because it felt too obvious, an authors most popular work is never nearly a favorite of their own!

Thank you for your answers ❤️ I always look forward to your responses to everyone about the content we all have in common here in this comfy corner of your blog lol SO I do hope you get more fic questions!

Ahhh OMG thank you!! 🤣 It's funny because in person I am SO quiet, I would give you the briefest answer possible. But I'm very chatty via the written word.

I do have a previous Matt Murdock fic rec list floating around somewhere, but I do need to make a new one because plenty more fics have come out since then. I've also wanted to make one for Mikey and one for Frank, but that means I'd have to, you know, read things. I truly need to stop writing long enough to do that again 😅

YES! TRT really is a huge part of the Daredevil fandom. And it really did have a HUGE impact on me when it came to me entering this fandom and to my love of Matt's character. But you're not alone, I'm very behind on it unfortunately and I always tell myself I'm going to find a week soon and catch up on all my reading but then I get ideas for writing... It's a vicious circle.

Ahh! Well then I'm happy I didn't disappoint! I figured most probably would expect me to say one of those two as my answer, but nope! LWL was also the fic that proved to me that I still love writing. I spent a lot of time over the last few years in college working on my BA and then my MA in Literature, Rhetoric, and Composition. Working on those degrees crushed my love of reading and writing for awhile. But writing and publishing novels is my dream and it always has been, and that fic was the one that opened my eyes to show me that I can sit down and write more than just a few thousand words for one story (as FFTD has also shown me and so many others by now). So that fic means a lot to me. But you're absolutely right, the popular work is not always the favorite of the author!

Thank you for the questions!! I love chatting with y'all about whatever and I'm always open to any of you asking me questions about the fics or the characters I write for! And it makes me so happy to hear many of you consider my blog a comfortable place to open up and chat ❤ Honestly, connecting with all of y'all has been my favorite part of fanfic writing!

[faeriesuns]

When I first started getting into religion, Christianity seemed like the obvious one I should join. I spent weeks researching and reading the bible and trying to feel some sort of comfort and reassurance in it.

I felt it was obvious why I didn't feel good about it. My father is a fundamentalist Christian and he was sexually abusive to me. Every time I tried to think of god and positive connotations all I could remember was my father and the smell of his cologne.

I thought I needed to just push through it, and I followed multiple Christian blogs on here, trying to find friends and a community. It didn't work.

My mindset just kept getting darker and the people I followed honestly weren't good. It's obvious now that they were far right and very tradionalist, but I just wanted to belong. I wanted a connection I don't usually feel in my daily life.

All my old friends were Christians and multiple family members are, I thought it an obvious and "correct" religion for me.

My mental health was declining and my morals were changing, which I didn't notice at the time. I've always been very liberal, I was a communist for many years. But I felt myself getting disgusted LBGTQ people even though I am bisexual and might be non binary.

I started to hate myself and how I didn't fit into this group of women, how I didn't have the correct mindset to be accepted by them.

My mental health was getting so bad I was going to try to go inpatient for awhile. I was reflecting on myself and my choices this weekend and realized I was changing into the type of person I depise.

I'm not perfect, and I've never claimed to be. I just realized that Christianity was wrong for me, especially the people I decided to emulate.

It's hard to say this, to admit that I was turning into such a terrible person. I was still myself, except suddenly I hated the people I used to connect with. And that's not me. I'm not racist or sexist or homophobic etc etc etc , I never have been.

I realized what was happening and I'm going to do better. I never did anything with those morals but I felt them, and that's honestly disgusting.

That's not who I am, and that's not who I want to be.

Goodbye, Christianity.

[seesgood]

Hi, I saw your post about the RPC and activity—and no, it’s not just you. However, I’m also someone who tried interacting with you specifically… and you kind of gave me radio silence as well? I kind of felt like I didn’t exist on your dash when we were mutuals, only those close friends who you already engaged with were in your line of sight even when I actively engaged with you from my end. (I bring this up because it leads into my next point on why I think the RPC is dying off).

Maybe that’s a one-time thing/situation but I do feel like sometimes that’s a problem some people don’t realize (not just you, I’ve got it from other people as well) in the RPC as a whole. I think that’s also driving a lot of good, active people away from the RPC, and some people don’t recognize that they need to kind of… at least acknowledge peoples’ presences on the dash. It doesn’t have to be through RP necessarily either; liking their posts, responding if they comment ooc, sending them headcanon or positivity asks, there’s other ways to engage they say “hey, I see you!” that don’t involve the creative juices of writing a reply to them. People start to feel discouraged, or like they’re invisible, or like it’s not worth continuing when their presence isn’t at the very least acknowledged. And in that case, I think people miss out on the opportunity to engage with and write with people they might have built an amazing rapport with.

hi! first of all thank you for sending this in, i'm sure it's not a super easy thing to say to someone and i appreciate you doing so. i'm sorry if i ever came off like i was brushing you off or favoring certain people ( which i'm sure i do, as we all tend to do, because certain people feel safer / more familiar / etc. ) i will say that i make a lot of efforts to engage with people as much as possible, but it's incredibly difficult for me to talk / chat 24/7, especially if it's small talk or those awkward first stages of "omg i love your blog!." it also takes me a really long time to be comfortable with people, and despite the fact that i've been here for awhile, i only have a handful of people that i feel truly comfortable and safe and not anxious talking to. beyond that, i've had a really busy year, my anxiety over the past few months has been worse than it's ever been, and that definitely impacts the way that i interact with people, which is also probably why it feels like i'm only interacting with my friends.

i agree with every single point that you make, i try to make as much of an effort when i can to engage with people's posts on the dash, even if it's just a like or a comment. i think it does A LOT more than people realize. and i do think that you're hitting on this really great and complex topic right now of "it feels like the rpc is dying and one of the reasons is probably because people don't engage with one another the same ways that they used to" and this is true! but at the same time, i think there's also been a shift in feeling like you're owed someone's time / energy / attention and that can be very hard for people to. and i think when those things combine forces into the 'well it's not worth me being here because no one notices me and no one cares' it starts to breed this weird negative energy where it's like "it's on you to give me enough attention to warrant it being worth my time to be here" and i'm not saying that's what you're communicating to me, i'm just saying that's a trend i notice sometimes, and i frankly don't have the time or energy to be like KSJDFHKJSDHFKJSH BESTIE! to every single person, all hours of the day, when i follow a truly obscene ( quadruple digits ) amount of people.

so i think you're right and you make a lot of good points, and i apologize for the fact that my actions --- as unintentional as they were, whatever they were --- made you feel down about your presence here, but i would also like to kindly say to that: i'm not an extroverted person. i'm not a socially confident person. it takes a lot of energy for me ( and many others, i'm sure ) to sustain conversations with people we don't know (yet) and are not familiar with (yet) on a website with a culture that can be as volatile as tumblr's. my biggest rp advice is to do the things that YOU enjoy that make YOU happy, and try not to tailor it to other people. if you do that, i promise people will come. and i don't mean this in a "how dare you accuse me of such a thing i am a perfect human' i am not. i am far from it. i too have felt and do feel often the way you feel.

TL;DR + unsolicited advice, don't take a "me" thing and let your brain twist it into a "you" thing ( i.e. oh lia never messages me back but she's talking to all these people on the dash, she must hate me and i should just leave ) i promise you people's behaviors are more reflective of what's going on with them than what they think of you

[blogfromthedead]

May 23rd, 2024.

Hi, Evie here.

It's been a while. I didn't end up posting on my birthday like I had promised. It's kind of funny, the first commitment I make to this blog and I immediately turn away from it. So in the future I will not hold myself to committing. Sorry if the gap in time was concerning. It's not time for that, not yet at least, so I'm okay physically.

It's an awkward realization I've come to realize that I feel significantly less lonely… when I am alone. with no commitments to others, with no one near me or in my ears. Only total isolation. It's not always like this, but as of recent I've been turning down most invitations to hang out. Of course there's been a few exceptions, one I'd like to talk about in a moment, but I think this time alone has been and will forever be important to me. I don't know why. I don't know if I like it either. But… I feel happy.

I wonder if this craving for isolation is because I don't feel truly 'around'. I feel alienated or I can feel the weight of a perception of me that truthfully isn't there. It's asphyxiating. I think there are maybe two people in this world that I am able to let down my guard, if only a bit, and relax fully in comfort. We'll call them A and S. I met S first, pretty soon after my break-up with my ex's in a public social hub for trans people. We where both new to this community and had immediately shared interest in a funny cartoonish FPS. We kind of hit it off immediately. S is nonbinary, uses they/them pronouns. They've been an important figure in my life since my break up, and probably the first person I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. They accepted me when it felt like the world couldn't. They're an important voice in my life and I treasure them very much. For the longest time I wanted a 'best friend'. I think I found one in S.

Oddly enough, a similar story is told with A. I met A through said cartoonish FPS. I was originally flirting with A's friend when we had met due to them having a pretty funny username. I was also admittedly going through the woes of a break up and losing a large portion of both physical and mental intimacy, so it leaked out into my social life when I met people for awhile. So after accidently flustering A's friend, they both saw me as an interesting person and soon enough I found myself on their friends list. Soon enough I was in their semi-private group-chat.

A is also trans, uses she/her pronouns. At first I wasn't really sure what to make of A. She was anxious to meet new people, it was written all over her when she met me. She was often blunt with her feelings, and often lacked tact. She very much spoke her mind and it could often times upset those around her, although I never mind this about her. I like the honesty she provides, and I guess that allowed for me to take an interest in her. Soon enough, after awhile of bonding, our relationship soon reflected how I felt about S. I feel safe and comfortable to be at least a little vulnerable with her. She's an incredibly intelligent person (even works for NASA, what the fuck.) but also someone who tries to look out for everyone in her own way. She can be pretty hard on herself at times, wayyy too hard. She's not perfect by any means, but I hope in our friendship I can act as a voice of reason when she doubts herself.

Only around these two, do I not feel alienated or lonely. They both mean a lot to this lonely girl. I want to make more friends like them, and preferably not online. That being said, I do actually have a few IRL mutuals but… my relationship with them is awkward to say the least. They're all friends with both of my ex's, and I had met them all through one of them. Me being me, I don't want to harm or strain either of my ex's relationships, so I've inadvertently removed myself 'as a friend'. I know this behavior isn't fair to myself or them. I know.

I've always been self-destructive. I am glad I can realize it now, but it feels much like watching a car accident in real time. You can clearly see the cars collide, or maybe even have the precognition to know that they where going to before hand. But the cars will collide, at least for now. I mean, this is a blog written by a person who wants to die and is planning to. Can't expect too much reason I suppose.

For today, I'd like to talk about one of those IRL mutuals. J, he/him. J is a large boisterous person. Both literally and figuratively. Guys like almost 7 feet tall, and his laughter will permeate an entire room by itself. He's a big softie and maybe a little ignorant at times but I do cherish these things about him. Recently J had invited me to hang out and get some food. I felt like this would be a nice way to get out of the room and out of my house, so I obliged. It was wonderful. We got some cheap pizza from a local halal restaurant and relaxed at a park. Unexpectedly, he broke out a heart to heart with me. The chasm I had made with him and the others was a noticeable one, and it felt good to know that it was noticed. It also helped me realize the guilt I had with my actions. I know I am being unfair, but he didn't make me feel like I was.

Genuine sympathy and empathy for me. I'm… not familiar with that and yet J had displayed it for me very suddenly. We weren't necessarily close before this either. Most of our time previously was spent playing video games and talking about silly topics strung around by whatever was talked about at the time in that group. Needless to say I was shocked he reached out to me, asked me how I was doing, and if I was ok.

Given the nature of this blog, it is easy to deduce that I am in fact not okay. I am aware that I am a very mentally unwell person but I do not want to make that anyone else's problem. I did air out a few of my thoughts in regards to my ex's and opened up about my reservations and cause of distance. It felt fair to do so. He understood, he accepted it all. I did not say much more past that, and on the surface I still appear 'normal' in a way. I wonder if I will ever find somebody that I can be completely bare with.

Am I yearning for love? Probably. That's probably what this is. I've learned quite a bit about myself in these past 6 months. I no longer had a relationship to hide myself in. No reason to keep up the façade now. I still very much struggle being vulnerable with somebody. One day I will peel the egg, so to speak.

It feels great to write these blogs again.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[electricea]

@kingspuppet sent - I follow you because you're super cool in all of the ways! I love the way you write Ryuji. You really keep this fun air about him that stays so true to who he is, while also supplying him with the things that canon flubs on for him. It's also just always a pleasure to get to write with you in general as well! I love the silly shenanigans that Ryuji and Goro seem to get into at times. It always feels like such a treat! And lastly, I follow you because of how utterly, unconditionally accepting and loving you are towards others within the community. You're always uplifting others, promoting other roleplayers, and just being such a great support system. It's so incredibly inspiring and I admire that about you so much. I think you mentioned awhile ago how it's been a rough journey for you and that it's made you who you are now. And I think your kindness and dedication speaks volumes for how much of an amazing person you are. You truly are part of the glue that holds the RP community together. And because of that and your talent, I can't speak highly of you enough. ( You Follow Me Because - Accepting! )

Oh my gosh, this was a really nice surprise to wake up to - this really means a lot to hear. You know, one thing I've always strongly felt about you and your blog is that no matter how much time passes or how long we go without interacting or speaking, I always feel really happy to see your icon on the dash or to see your URL - I just always come away with a good feeling every time we interact and I want you to know that, you're someone I feel very happy with and comfortable around - and we do have a lot of fun writing with Ryuji and Goro - I have honestly been meaning to reach out and kickstart more things between them with you but I'll save that for the end of this ask, but I do just want you to know how happy and rewarding I find it to interact with you - and that second part means a lot, too. While it's hard for anyone to take an unbiased look at themselves and see if they have changed, I do just try my best to put more positive energy than negative energy out there - and that's not to say there's never any negative energy, I just want to try and be the sort of mun I would have looked up to when I first joined - I think everyone on here deserves a fair shake and nobody should be immediately dismissed or excluded and everyone has moments where they need some kind words or encouragement and there's nothing wrong with that - if we're all on this website together, we should be doing our best to make it a comfortable and positive place for each other - so I just try and pay it forward. I appreciate this a lot.

As for the end of the ask, I'd love to speak further with you more on Discord and potentially plot even if you're comfortable! You're just genuinely someone I'd like to get to know better and talk to more. I think the world of you and your portrayal of Akechi.

[aloneandunreal]

august 7, 2023

i'm having trouble knowing how to start this. i haven't posted in awhile, but twenty hasn't been too horrible to me so far. it still feels weird to say that i'm twenty, but i'm starting to feel it -- just a bit. emphasis on just a bit. for this post, i wanted to write a bit about my love life. relatively non-existent, but there has been some movement in the past week or so. though probably not anymore. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i've always been the type of person who loved love. or at least the idea of it. even as a child, i would always pick someone to have a crush on when the school year began. sometimes it would stick, and other times my eyes would move elsewhere. of course, because i'm me, i never confessed my feelings to any of them. but, there was a sort of safety and comfort in leaving it as just a crush. while i had always wanted to be in a relationship, they were sort of scary. unknown territory. still are! i've always been relatively non-committal; bored easy. for the short time i was in a relationship (8th grade, so i don't really count it), i almost immediately felt trapped. not because of him, it wasn't as if he was controlling or anything of the sort, but for whatever reason i felt bound to him. sort of suffocating, in a way. same goes for the girl i "dated" for three days (something i always try to put out of my mind) who was constantly texting me and being clingy. i guess i've always been the type to want my own space. to be left alone. and my eyes always move elsewhere after a certain amount of time. while i would never cheat, i can remember when i did have a boyfriend, i was already developing a crush on somebody else. after awhile, it was no longer exciting. i was bored. i'm still like this, in a way. not that i'd really know, considering i haven't ever been in a "real" relationship -- but still.

of course, a part of me is insecure that i had no dating experience in high school. or even a talking stage. there was one boy who liked me for awhile, and i even said 'yes' when he asked me out, but i didn't actually like him and broke up with him hours later. it simply felt nice being wanted. i liked "the chase" -- always have. this is a pretty horrible thing to admit, but it's the truth, and i can admit it because it's my private blog.

for me, the thought of dating someone, at first, is very exciting. i would love to. i want to do fun things, i want someone to love me, i want to be someone's 'special someone' and vice versa. however, then i really start to think about it and a weird feeling forms in my stomach. i don't understand it. i can't even explain the feeling because there are no words i can use to describe it. the thought that anyone could ever see me in a romantic and sexual manner is sort of unbelievable and horrifying. that's why i never know when it's the right time to 'date someone.' how long should the talking stage be for? rushing into things would give me anxiety, but waiting it out and not communicating with them "what we are" would also give me anxiety. i'm confusing like that.

most of all, i don't think anyone could love me unconditionally. both due to not feeling attractive enough; but also due to being an awkward person who is embarrassed constantly (over little things... or nothing). even if someone were to be interested, they'd get bored. just like i do.

i guess, at the moment, i just want to feel wanted. i want people to be attracted to me, and i want to be able to tell. i want to be the type of girl that is always remembered -- an enigma. of course, impossible for someone like me, but i can't help but want it. ironically enough, i even had a guy say to me "in a movie, you'd probably be the main character's best friend, with a really deep backstory." that made me feel great about myself (sarcasm). while it wasn't that serious, it's still something that made me think: what can i do to be more interesting? more cool? more memorable? nothing, probably.

even if i were to find someone i liked who liked me, and got into a relationship, i feel like i'd never be able to TRULY be myself. the song 'trying 2 fool u' by remo drive sort of encapsulates these feelings:

i've been laying on the floor trying to keep cool i've been licking off the dust, trying to fool you i've always struck myself as someone who's uncomfortable [...] i've always struck myself as someone who's impossible waving at the sky i wanted to let go, i didn't want to say goodbye

although i know this probably isn't the meaning of the song, i feel like i'll always be 'fooling' someone, at least initially. i feel like, no matter how hard i try, nobody will see the real me. it scares me to be that vulnerable. i open up easily, but not about things that really scare me. so, by 'fooling' i mean not showing my true self, the parts of me that aren't the prettiest. it's hard to explain, but i'm not sure i will ever find someone who will be patient enough with me to get comfortable. i don't think i deserve anyone's patience because i don't feel pretty enough (to deserve it). it's incredibly difficult for me to explain, but since i don't consider myself pretty, i feel like i have to be perfect in all aspects. if i'm not pretty, there has to be another valid reason to date me. pretty girls can be weird/strange, clumsy, quiet. they can complain and express their wants. on the other hand, i can't. i can't complain because i'm only being dated because i'm a people-pleaser. once i am no longer that, there is no other reason to love me. i'm only being dated because i always have self-control, never express my feelings. once i do open up, cry, complain, get angry -- that's it. there is no other reason for someone to stay with me. and the list goes on. i know it sounds irrational and strange, but i'm trying to explain it in the best way i can. basically: since i'm not pretty, i cannot have any other faults.

i'm not going to be editing/re-reading this, so it may be written strangely, so let's hope i don't sound absolutely confusing.

anyway. those are pretty much my feelings on love and relationships. i want it, but i also don't. but, mostly, i do want it. it just seems impossible for me to obtain, especially in this day and age. whenever i see a cute couple, or hear about my friend's relationships, a part of me wonders: why can't that ever be me? why can't something special and exciting like that happen to me? when is it my turn to be happy?

insert never had no one ever by the smiths because i am corny like that.

(slight NSFW) my inexperience with dating, sex, etc, is also probably an extreme turn-off for most people. most people were in relationships in high school, early college, etc. now that i'm a junior in college, i feel so inexperienced and embarrassed. i'm the type of person that needs to be good at things immediately; and the fact that i probably won't be good at kissing, any form of sex, etc is quite honestly humiliating. but there's no way to practice. and so if i ever do potentially meet someone, and want to go to that level with them, i'll have to explain that i've never done this before. how disappointing for them. i like to please, and when i can't, i get awkward and nervous. but, of course, i can't imagine myself ever getting to that point anyway. the thought of any form of sex scares me. not in a normal way, but more-so in a 'i'm insecure about my body' sort of way. how could anyone be sexually attracted to me? what if they aren't turned on? what if they realize i'm not what they expected? so many 'what-if's' and no answers.

but anyway. changing the subject, the reason i wrote this entry was to describe a situation that occurred almost a week ago. a good one! which is probably surprising after all this pessimism about love. i kissed someone for the second time and it was the most magical kiss of experienced so far -- of course, i'm putting it dramatically, considering i've only been kissed by one other person.

i'm not going to retell the story in full detail, but i met up with someone for a date in a different country while on vacation -- a one time thing, obviously -- as a spontaneous, adventurous thing (trying to push myself!) and it went incredibly well. the type of thing i'll probably remember forever. not because i'm madly in love with this person or anything, but simply because of the experience overall.

it was a nice date for the most part. of course, because i'm me, there were some things that i felt insecure about, but overall it was great. there was a sort of freedom in realizing this was a one-time thing, and i could really do whatever i wanted and likely never see him again. obviously, i didn't do anything actually "crazy", but i did kiss him. and enjoyed it. it was fun! i was awkward, of course, and unsure. i kept stalling. but he was very understanding and patient, maybe he even found it cute. the most exciting part was that i liked it more than my first kiss (but anything could be better than that!) and he seemed to enjoy it too. like, actually. genuinely. don't ask how i know. it was such an exhilirating feeling. i'm wanted! i'm wanted! he likes me! he thinks i'm pretty! and he's CUTE? how could a cute guy ever want me...

it boosted my ego maybe just a bit. i can't help it. i know, i know, male-validation is a killer. i know there's something much deeper here than simply wanting him to want me, but for a second i just want to stop those thoughts and feel excited about it. considering my non-existent love life, this whole experience with him felt pretty movie-esque. while it may have been normal for anyone else, it was just so special for me. not just because of the kiss, but just being able to get comfortable with someone like that. while i was awkward initially (no surprise), i grew more comfortable and less embarrassed (remember- everything is embarrassing to me), and i think he liked that. maybe i'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and things were not actually this magical, but whatever. i am still so excited i had this experience. even if nothing came out of it, it made me feel confident for a second, and it was fun and exciting. despite not seeming like it, i always have wanted to simply have fun and be adventurous.

of course, knowing me, there was a bit of overthinking and anxiety after the fact. i might have ruined the moment a little bit when he said something that made me feel insecure, and i felt the need to tell him. basically, he said to me: "i didn't think we'd get this far." which made me feel sensitive -- i don't think i am the type of girl who would kiss or get handsy on the first date. but this was a 'first and last date' sort of deal. so of course i was going to kiss a cute guy i'd never see again. anyway, i told him this. it felt like he was insinuating i was being "easy" and i hated that feeling. while there is nothing wrong with that, it's still looked down upon by most people. and as a woman, i wouldn't want to be seen that way. fortunately, he was pretty understanding, explaining that he mostly had just said it because he was happy i'd gotten comfortable enough to do anything with him. and that if anyone was the 'easy' one, it was him. whether this was true or not, i took his word and things were fine after that. it's not a big deal, but just something i felt i needed to mention in this entry. i'm stupidly sensitive.

i don't know what he was expecting to get out of me, but it went no farther than kissing (of course). perhaps he wanted more than that, and had wanted that since the beginning, but i'm going to be oblivious to the fact. for once, i'm going to recognize that i actually don't know what he was thinking and never will... so why overthink it? it's not that easy, and even writing this i'm thinking more deeply about the things i did and said (and cringing), but i'm going to try not to.

overall, as i've said multiple times, i am very happy with myself for going through with this date. because it was fun. it made me feel confident, even if it was just for a moment. unfortunately for me, this only lasted for a bit, which was unsurprising. male-validation only lasts for so long when you're insecure. i was trying not to overthink things, but i couldn't help but think... "why would he like me?" and "i think he's out of my league." it didn't help that i saw some horrendous photos taken of me. the bliss i felt was over. it felt nice while it lasted, but those feelings of ugliness and being unwanted came back soon enough. was he pitying me? because why would someone like him kiss someone like me. he was far too attractive for me. and the insecure thoughts go on...

i can't help it.

while i'm feeling a bit better now, those thoughts will probably continue to linger as i start to think about dating. it's all i ever think about. having a face so unlovable. i wish i had a face that could be loved -- adored. found beautiful. but, until i believe it, i won't ever realize if someone actually does. which i suppose is some sort of progress -- admitting to myself that i am insecure, and that perhaps this is all in my head, that my ugliness is not as bad as i thought and the little things i notice about myself are not noticed by others. but, of course, as of now, i can't believe that fully.

and so, those are my feelings on love at the moment. of course, i could go more in-depth, but i think that's all i have for now. despite my insecurities and nervousness about dating, deep down i do want to love and to be loved. is it possible for someone like me, though?

i hope soon the day will come that someone will find me special, beautiful, lovable. i hope soon it'll my turn to "be happy." i hope soon i'll be in the type of relationship that, now, i am envious of. i hope, i hope. but will i make it happen? that's the only question. despite wishing it wasn't the case, i also have to put in effort.

ending this, i'll leave some songs that give me some hope for love, or at least i can relate to:

everybody wants to love you - japanese breakfast (everybody wants to love you) / everybody wants to love you hate yourself - tv girl you'd fall in love with anyone / i think you'd fall in love with anyone / who fell in love with you / and they frequently do lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken - camera obscura hey lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken / 'cause i can't see further than my own nose at this moment andromeda - weyes blood find a love that will make you / i dare you to try [...] i'm ready to try / treat me right / i'm still a good man's daughter i want you to love me - fiona apple i want somebody to want / and i want, what i want, and i want / you to love me spit on a stranger - pavement honey i'm a prize and you're a catch / and we're a perfect match cupid - alexandra savior filled in a hole in the road, we were speaking in code / stuck in fantasy mode [...] i forgot how i ought to feel / it's a whole lot to hold back, you know that cupid shoots to kill

[nitsryk]

Dear diary,

Mood: apathetic.

Lol jk.

Things are going ok. Pretty good. I still get moments of feeling anxious or worried or a little sad because I haven't gotten into the marketing field. I'm getting better at accepting that things take time. It's better to do it correctly and thoroughly than to half ass it just to make it go quick.

Like making my blog posts takes more time than I would have thought awhile back. Im optimizing them while also making content that is entertaining but informative, with no grammar or spelling mistakes and something easy to digest.

My heart tells me I'm in the right direction. Or maybe that's God. I can feel something telling me that I am doing the right things.

I am hoping to hear from VNA Hospice this week. I don't have all my hopes into it because they had 50 people interview and they already closed it once.

I will say tho I don't know that they would have bothered viewing my application if they weren't still considering people.

Either way. Trying to trust the process.

I've been doing well with keeping up on my boundaries with replying and texting when I want. It has done wonders for my quality of life and my mental health to just reply every now and then instead of like a lot and being constantly available.

I feel like this approach has attracted people similar to me in that way. Shamary has started being less available over messenger, rae I feel like is better about letting convos die or us not replying to one another for awhile, Angelle has the same values as me.

Sam is mad at me I think lol. I could be wrong. But like. I wanted a garage sale buddy, she couldn't make it, so I asked someone to else and they said yes.

So then her plans got cancelled so I guess she expected me to just go with her instead or expected me to automatically invite her

I didn't only because I know myself personally I feel like it's kinda rude to just show up with another person to a one on one hang out unless you at least clear it with the other person first....I didn't want to make it worse by telling Sam oh yeah I'll ask Angelle

And then say Angelle wasn't comfortable and wanted it to just be us, then I would have to go tell Sam that.

Anyway, I later went and asked Angelle how she felt about Sam coming and she was fine with it so since I got that approval, I told Sam hey you can come with anyway I just wanted to ask the person in going with.

And then she ignored me lmao. The reason I say ignore is bc I know she is someone who invites anyone and brings them last minute to plans, and she is talkative any other time.

Like I'm sorry ur offended that I made my plans happen even tho you couldn't originally make them.

[luminouslumity]

Have you been trying to help me with my problem? It's been a week and nothing seems to have changed.

I've been contemplating this for awhile now and sorry, Nonny, but my answer is gonna have to be no. First of all, you come onto my blog asking me to help you with your TV Tropes problem when I have absolutely no idea who you are, so excuse me for being suspicious.

Second of all, I never really agreed to help, or at least that wasn't my intention. Then after I gave my response (and answered another ask), you just go ahead and send an incredibly long message explaining your problem anyway (rather than explaining your problem and then asking for my help, if that makes sense), with you basically wanting me to go on a spy mission—with instructions and everything—and I'm not gonna lie, the entire thing just felt super awkward! Never mind that I already said I'm not involved in the community, so I wouldn't feel comfortable interacting with them anyway, even if it's just the mods.

Third of all, there's also this:

Why not just open another email address then? Or at least ask someone you actually know to help you out if you haven't already instead of going to a random stranger on the internet for assistance.