#and we got to see kaz's reaction after she left

[sleepless-crows]

THEY MIXED THE YOU INEJ YOU AND I WILL HAVE YOU WITHOUT ARMOR SCENES TOGETHER AND SAID IT WORD FOR WORD AND PUT IT IN A CHAPEL

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #59

Journal Entry #58 // STORY INDEX

Victor

We’ve been having an amazing summer.

Yeah, I know we’ve been neglecting our journal again, but in a way I feel like maybe we’re outgrowing it. We’ve been chronicling our life this way for over a year, and so much has changed for us in that time. So much has changed about us as well. We’re not the same people we were a year ago, and that’s a good thing.

I started this journal for fun because I wanted to do some travelling that wasn’t connected to a snowboarding competition, and I thought it'd be cool to document my adventures. I did get to go to Sulani, but in hindsight, now I see how unrealistic it was to think I’d be jetting frivolously all around the globe.

But, starting the journal wasn’t a wasted effort by any means. Looking back on it, it’s a reminder of how far Yuri and I have come, what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown as individuals and as a couple. I love us, and I'm proud of the progress we’ve made together.

It’s been interesting to share a part of our story with everyone, but I feel like we’re moving into a different stage of our life now. I don't know if we'll keep recording our journey like this in the future. We'll see.

Anyway, we're still doing it for now, so let me pick up where I left off back in June.

After Mom and Julian's wedding, Yuri and I had a few days together before he and his family returned to Japan. I had a great time showing them around, and I think Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto fell in love with Willow Creek a little bit, because they said they wanted to come back for a longer visit in the near future. Yuki's favourite thing was actually the amusement park in nearby Newcrest, and her parents really seemed to enjoy the scenic walking trails and the farmers market.

Before they left, Mr. Okamoto asked me if I'd like to stay with them when I returned to Mt. Komorebi instead of moving back into Uncle Kaz's house for what might end up being only a couple of months. My knee-jerk reaction was to say no, but I'm glad I managed to keep that to myself. The offer did make a lot of sense, after all. If Yuri and I both stayed with his parents, we wouldn't have to pay rent on top of our mortgage payment for the haunted house, and we could pack up the rest of our stuff so we'd be ready to leave whenever we reasonably could. I just didn't know how I'd feel, being in such close proximity to my in-laws for an extended period of time.

I told Mr. Okamoto I'd think about it and get back to him, and he seemed satisfied with that.

Grandpa Michael also hung around in Willow Creek for a while after the wedding. I said he could stay with me, but he declined, claiming the house would be too crowded with all Yuri's family members staying there too. I found that a little odd at first, until I discovered that he somehow managed to hook up with someone at the wedding and got invited to stay in her guest room for a few nights.

"She's a younger woman, and she’s hot," he told me confidentially. "Her name's Juliet. How about that?"

"Uh... how much younger are we talking?" I asked.

"She's sixty-six."

"Don't you think you're moving kinda fast? Like, sleeping over at her place after you literally just met her?"

"Listen," Grandpa Michael said. "At my age, you gotta move fast so you don't miss the good opportunities."

He's seventy-three. If he was in a contest for old people who move fast, he'd probably win a medal.

Still, he deserves to find happiness and have fun. It’s been seven years since my grandma passed away, and I’m pretty sure he’ll never stop loving her, but seven years is a long time to be alone if you’re used to being with somebody. If he feels like he's ready to get back into the dating scene, who am I to tell him not to?

When I met the aforementioned Juliet a couple days later, I totally understood the attraction. Although ‘hot’ wasn’t exactly the first word that sprang to mind, I could definitely see why Grandpa Michael would think so. She was elegant and confidently attractive in the way women are when they embrace aging with grace instead of engaging in a useless battle with it. I could easily imagine her being a knockout in her younger days. When she was my age, I bet she turned every head in every room she stepped into.

Beyond my initial impression of Juliet Picard, I was startled to realize I recognized her. She was the woman who'd been in charge of all the flowers for the wedding. Turns out she owns a florist shop called Hearts and Flowers, which happens to be down the street from Mom and Julian's clinic. Coincidentally, the flower shop also occupies the same building as the flat where Davian St-Jean, a friend of mine from high school, lives.

I used to say Willow Creek was the most boring place on Earth, that nothing ever happens there, but that's when I was viewing it through the eyes of a guy who thought events didn't have much meaning unless they were big and exciting and important to everyone. I was wrong about that. Sometimes the most seemingly insignificant thing carries the most weight.

A lot happens in Willow Creek. It's a town of connections, of opportunities small and large, the sort of place where a chance interaction could change the course of somebody's life in ways they might never have been able to imagine.

I mean, I was in Willow Creek when I met Yuri. Sitting alone in my sparsely -furnished unit at the Sage Estates apartment complex, scrolling through a forum for snowboarding enthusiasts, I had no idea I was going to see a photo of this impossibly cute Japanese boy doing a silly pose with his board. My impulsivity made me message him, and his curiosity made him message back. Prior to that day, if anyone had suggested I would meet my soulmate through a random encounter on the internet, I think I would've laughed out loud.

But now? Don't tell me stuff doesn't happen in Willow Creek. Dreams are born there, and nobody will ever convince me to change my mind about that again.

The day after Yuri and his family headed home, Grandpa Michael and I departed for Brindleton Bay. He returned his rented car, and then Juliet met us for breakfast and dropped us off at the bus station afterwards.

"I'll be back," he told her as we were about to board the bus, and I swear it was totally dramatic, like something out of a movie. He was dead serious, though, so I had to do my best not to laugh.

"I'll be looking forward to it," she said.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the keys to the house. "Here," I said, handing them to my grandpa. "Consider my place your place until Yuri and I come back. Feel free to use it any time."

He grinned at me, and for a split second I could've sworn I saw the face of a man half his age. "Thanks. I'm sure I'll enjoy that heated swimming pool, and your fabulous kitchen. I'll make myself at home."

"Go for it," I said. "Just don't use the red mug, and don't sleep in the basement bedroom."

Juliet raised an eyebrow. "What an odd thing to say."

"It's only odd if you don't know about the ghost," I told her.

"The ghost?"

"Victor's house is haunted," Grandpa Michael said cheerfully. "Cool, don't you think?"

"Really?" Juilet looked intrigued. "Well, I can't wait to see that."

"Victor, I presume I'm allowed to have houseguests?"

"Go for it," I said. "Far be it from me to cramp your style."

He winked at Juliet. "Heated swimming pool."

"Oh, lord..." she responded, but she was laughing. "I think I'll have to keep him, Victor. I wouldn't want to unleash him on anyone else."

"Consider me kept." Grandpa Michael put the keys into his own bag, and then gave me a thumbs up. "Just let me know when you're coming back. I'll make sure I'm there, so you can get in."

"Don't worry," I said. "Mom has the other set of keys. We'll be able to get in. I'll let her know you'll be coming and going, though. We don't want her to think somebody's trying to break into the place."

"Imagine explaining that to the police," he said, and the look on his face implied he'd very much enjoy stirring up a little trouble like that.

Mom says I'm just like Grandpa Michael. She's probably not wrong. Aside from sharing an almost obsessive passion for snow sports and being international competitors — he was a world champion slalom skiier back in the day — we have the same love for food, the same enjoyment of being with other people, the same sense of humour and, I think it's safe to say, the same impulse control issues.

I love him. I mean, I love my other grandparents too, but I think I have a deeper bond with Grandpa Michael than with the others. We get each other on a fundamental level.

We had a blast during the week I spent in Brindleton Bay with him. We passed a lot of our time at the local fitness center, and every morning we had tea and breakfast with his friends at a café in town. His friends are awesome, for the record. After the first day, I kind of forgot I was hanging out with guys in their seventies. One afternoon, we all played golf together, and on another day we went deep-sea fishing with one of the friends who owns a boat.

When we weren't socializing, we managed to get loads of yard work done, and we did plenty of cooking. Oh man... the cooking. It was so nice not to have to worry about ingredients and portion sizes and making sure everything had the right balance of protein and carbs. We cooked whatever we felt like having, and trust me, we had a lot of it. I'm pretty sure I've never eaten so much in a week in my entire life. With my belly full, I slept like a dead man every night, and it was absolutely satisfying.

On the evening before my flight back to Japan, Grandpa Michael and I were sitting on his back doorstep, drinking some fruit juice and staring out at the ocean. If I thought sunsets over the lake in Granite Falls were beautiful, let me tell you they've got nothing on sunsets over the ocean. The last time I'd seen anything like that, I'd been in Sulani, but somehow this was better. It wasn't that the sunset itself was any more gorgeous, but because I was seeing it with someone I care about and who I know cares about me.

"It's been a long time since I got to sit here and enjoy this with another person," my grandfather said, as if he were reading my thoughts.

"I'm glad I get to watch it with you."

"Me too," he said. "I hope you'll come back here more often, once you're all settled into your new home. Bring your husband too. He seems like a sweet little fellow."

I laughed at that, thinking about how Yuri would respond to being referred to as 'a sweet little fellow'. He'd probably love it, and I could picture him blushing.

"I will," I promised. "But I guess you'll be coming to Willow Creek more often now too, won’t you? So we'll have extra chances to see each other."

"Hmm..." Grandpa Michael leaned back in his chair and stretched his long legs out in front of him. "I never thought I'd find someone I wanted to be with after your grandmother. I didn't think I'd ever want to love anyone that way again, honestly, but I might have changed my mind."

"You think love at first sight is a thing?"

"No," he said. "You never want to say 'love' too quickly, but it's okay to think about it, and I've got a good feeling."

I smiled. "I'm really glad you met Juliet."

"So am I. She made me remember that being alive and living life aren't the same thing," he said. "You know, it's easy to give up on living when you feel like you've lost your reason to live. But, I think we forget that we've got more than one reason. There's more to live for than that one person or thing we lost."

I thought about Yuri. He'd been at his lowest point this past winter, and for a while I'd really been afraid that he'd given up on wanting to be alive, not just on living. Nothing I said or did seemed to matter, and it was scaring me more than anything else ever had. But then, just when I was wondering what would become of him, of us and the future we’d planned, his reminder to live came from the most unlikely source; his father.

If somebody asked me to guess who'd save Yuri in the end, I never would’ve predicted it’d be his dad. Their relationship was practically non-existent up until this year.

It’d taken some pretty horrible events to make them take the first tiny steps toward fixing their broken trust, but all the pain and suffering was worth it if Yuri and his dad learned how to communicate with each other. They’ve both found hope and renewed determination to make the most out of their time in the world, and I’m thankful.

Since March, their relationship has grown by leaps and bounds, and it's been truly amazing to observe. Yuri is happier than I've ever known him to be. He's looking forward, rather than being stuck in a bubble of self-pity and going nowhere. Even the smallest things seem to bring him joy now, and I can't even begin to describe how full my heart is over that.

I want this to last. I want him to be happy forever, and I don't even care if I'm not the catalyst. Seeing him happy makes me happy. The reason for it doesn't matter, as long as he's thriving.

Of course, I'm enough of a realist to get that it's not always going to be sunshine and strawberry milkshakes. Yuri's chronic illness will never go away, so it's inevitable that he'll have bad days or weeks. Plus, we're doubtless going to have to deal with difficult stuff that's completely unrelated to Yuri's health.

That having been said, I'm of the opinion that happiness is a state of being. Like, even if we're not constantly cheerful and we're navigating scary or unpleasant situations, we can still be happy. There's always something to be grateful for, always one more reason to keep on living, and that's what I want for Yuri. My wish for him is that he'll finally understand happiness is something he can choose for himself, and even if everything around him is dark and bitter, he can still find his own metaphorical sunshine and strawberry milkshakes on the inside.

When I shared that with Grandpa Michael, he told me he was proud of me and said I should be proud of myself too.

"You've grown up a lot since you've been away," he commented.

"Thanks. I've had a lot of people helping me."

"Other people can only get you so far. You have to want to do it."

"I don't know if I wanted to," I confessed. "Being an adult is hard. Part of me wishes I could just stay a kid forever, Know what I mean?"

"Believe it or not, I do," he said. "But you know what they say. You don't have to stop playing just because you're growing up."

With that in mind, I've made it my mission to get in as much playtime as possible this summer and to bring as many people along with me on my adventures as I can.

I made up my mind to stay with my in-laws when I got back to Mt. Komorebi, and I have no regrets. Yuri and I have been filling our days with all kinds of activities from long walks on the mountain trails, to visiting local museums and galleries, to picnic lunches by the lake near his parents' house. I returned in time for the Festival of Snow, and the whole family went to it together. We were out all day, and it was even more fun than last year.

A few weeks ago, Yuri and I took a weekend trip to Kyoto for shopping, sightseeing, and a classical music concert. Yuri convinced me to go back to the spa we went to on the day before we got married, and afterwards we bought dango from a street vendor and ate it in the little park where we had our wedding pictures taken.

We've been spending time with our friends as well, and it probably goes without saying that Sakura and I are training on the mountain as much as we’re reasonably able to. Last week, Yuri told me that he thought he was finally feeling strong enough to get back on his board, so I called Sakura and asked her if we could skip training for the day so I could take Yuri snowboarding. She sounded only too glad to oblige, and said she might come out to join us, if Yuri didn't mind. He said he didn't, so Sakura met us at the intermediate slope, and the three of us had one of the most wonderful mornings I've had in a long time.

Yuri was exhausted by the time we were done, but even more importantly, he was hungry. He practically begged me to take him to a local ramen house for his favourite meal of the moment, kake udon. That's a kind of mild noodle soup that can be served with different toppings like tofu, sliced fish or shrimp tempura. Yuri likes it with scallions and fish. He somehow talked me into buying him strawberry daifuku as well, and then he didn't even share them with me. Like... the nerve! When it became clear I wasn't going to get even a bite of one of his, I had to order my own. I pretended to protest, but I was secretly thrilled, if you really want to know.

Yuri's been doing so good with his eating that Dr. Kasongo thinks she might be able to remove his feeding tube by the end of the year. He officially finished the first phase of his nutrition rehabilitation therapy in mid-July, so that means no more food intelligence classes and no more weekly visits with the nutritionist and psychologist.

He's happy about not having to meet with the psychologist every single week, but he's nervous about not seeing the nutritionist as regularly. She's been like a safety net for him, I think. He had to be accountable to her, and now he's worried that he's not going to be able to do it without her encouraging, reminding, and occasionally scolding him about his food intake and eating choices. He's supposed to continue with his daily food diary, and at this point he's supposed to start planning his own weekly menu or at least contributing to the planning of a family menu. He has a short consultation with the nutritionist every two weeks, usually ten or fifteen minutes by video call, so he can go over his food diary and meal plans with her. It's nothing like his previous hour-long weekly in-person sessions, and he's stressed.

Everyone in the family is cheering him on, though. We all know he can do it.

His current goal is to go sixty consecutive days without a single tube feeding. That, and his general overall health, are the criteria for having the tube removed. He looked like he was about to panic when the doctor told him that, and on the way home from his appointment he cried while telling me he didn't think he was ready to go sixty days in a row.

"It's okay," I said. "If you're not ready yet, that's not a bad thing. Just do the best you can."

"But, I'll be delaying our move even more if I can't do this," he said.

"No, you won't. We've got the date for your first appointment with Dr. Kim now, don't forget. We can move any time between now and then, and if you still have your tube when we move, I'm sure Dr. Kim can take it out just as easily as Dr. Kasongo could."

As a matter of fact, he'd received the email from Dr. Kim, the gastroenterologist at Willow Creek Regional Hospital, just the day before we last saw Dr. Kasongo. Yuri's initial appointment with Dr. Kim is scheduled for the twenty-second of October. While I wanted to leave Japan before autumn, I had to acknowledge there really was no rush, and if we didn't get to Willow Creek until mid-October, that would still be fine.

When we got back to Yuri's parents' house, we told them all about how it'd gone with Dr. Kasongo. Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto agreed that it was okay if Yuri didn't think he was ready to commit to the sixty-day home stretch yet, but they also said they were confident in his ability.

Yuki, who had overheard part of the conversation, later offered the helpful suggestion of making a sticker chart. "So every day you go without formula, you get to put a sticker on it, and at the end, you get a big reward!"

I thought she meant the 'big reward' was having his tube taken out, but Yuki had something else in mind. She conspired with her mother to create the most fantastic sticker chart I've ever seen. They drew it on poster board, and blocked it with six rows of ten squares each. Every tenth square had 'reward' written on it, and the sixtieth square boldly proclaimed 'BIG REWARD!!!' in alternating yellow and pink letters, Yuri's favourite colours. They bought an assortment of stickers for him to use on it, including ones with pink ice cream, seashells, glittery rainbow stars, cute baby animals, and — to his obvious delight — sparkly musical instruments, including violins.

"Look at this, Yuri. We have a plan," his mother said, as she went about hanging the chart on the wall in the kitchen. "Whenever you're ready to start counting your sixty days, let me know, and I'll give you the stickers."

To my surprise, it was less than a week later when he told her he was ready to begin.

Today is the ninth of August. We're on day eight of the first ten days today, and the full sixty days will bring us up to the first of October. We’ll be sure to keep you informed about how it’s going, but so far, so good.

We're tentatively planning our move for the middle of September, and I'm cautiously optimistic. Everyone who's watching this, please wish us luck.

There are people who say luck isn't really a thing, and that we can only get ahead by persistence and hard work, but I think it's a combination of the two. Like, I think it's true that our own efforts and our determination to succeed is the real driving force, but who would ever say no to a serendipitous stroke of luck? Even the hardest worker needs a helping hand now and then, and I'm not too proud to accept a well-meant wish for good fortune and success.

[artsy-robotic-nerd]

Rule of Wolves Book Thoughts.

I literally sped through this book. I started at 7 pm and read through to 3 am at which point I decided to go to bed. I woke up at 9 am and started the book again and I have finished the book at 10:30 am. To say I couldn't put the book down is an understatement. I'm both happy and freaking angry that I have finished the series. This book is the continuation of King of Scars and I absolutely loved it. SPOILERS.... WARNING... SPOILERS....

My favorite part was most definitely when we got to see kaz, jesper, and wylan again. Six of Crows is my favorite book out of leigh bardugo's books so far so when I saw that the crows were in rule of wolves I was excited. It was funny when kaz saw Nikolai as the monster for the first time. I was cracking up.

How could David just die? Why was that even an idea? Why kill David and leave Genya alone like that?! Ughhhhhhhh. *angry noises* I guess thats all I have to say about that, I guess you can imagine my reaction while reading those chapters.

When I first started reading King of Scars, all the chapters with Nina and her talking about Mattias, made me want to cry. But after this book, I am so happy that Nina found happiness. I was really wondering if Hanne and Nina were going to end up together but I didn't want to get my hopes up because normally whatever I expect to happen the opposite happens. And I really thought that I had been stupid in thinking that happiness could happen when Hanne supposedly fell to her death. Literally felt like I had been punched. Good thing Hanne had just tailored herself and the prince who had actually fallen.

Alina and Mal came back into the story!! I had a feeling that they would get dragged back just because the Darkling also got dragged back into the story.

Oncat is still there!!! He is the most important player in the story obviously. 🐈

I'm glad that the whole Queen Micah thing got figured out, I wasn't really feeling that part of the story. She just made me angry lol.

In my last review on King of Scars, I wasn't sure how I felt about Nikolai and Zoya and now I know that I require it to happen, in fact I need more of Nikolai and Zoya. There friendship and love for each other is just too good. And now Zoya is queen which sort of shocked me but I was happy about it.

This wouldn't be that great of a review if I didn't mention the dragon scenes. I was living for it. Zoya turning into a dragon is just so badass. Her ready to wipe out the Fjerdans had me rooting for it. But she didn't for good reasons lol. A dragon!!! I was wondering if that was ever going to happen.

This book was just so amazing and I definitely recommend anybody who hasn't read this book to stop and go read the other books and then come back and read this book.

It also left off on an exciting note because they now need Kaz Brekker's help sooooooooo Six of Crows 3? As soon as the next book comes out I will be out the door to the nearest bookstore. I can't wait for the next six of crows.

Okay but in all seriousness, I have a real question to ask because I don't know if I maybe skipped over it or didn't understand while reading but um is Yuri the monk trapped with the Darkling between worlds? Like seriously I don't remember if they brought that up again or if it was resolved and I just missed it but if it wasn't resolved, wtf. Is Yuri still with the Darkling?

[bookishdream]

Hi, can u do one Kaz Brekker X Reader where he likes the reader's skin, but he is afraid to touch she because of his traumas and hers traumas too, because he noticed how she reacts to other people's touch, but one day he just touches her because he wanted to feel her.

Sorry if got confused, english is not my first language.

thank you for a request, I hope you'll be satisfied with what I came up with! enjoy xx

kaz brekker x fem!reader

He was confused. He didn’t know why he was feeling the way he was. His fingers were itchy, palms getting sweaty every time he saw you. Especially when you showed some skin.

He had this weird urge to touch your hand, to kiss the place where he could feel your heart race, to feel your soft skin pressed to him. He didn’t want to do that in a sexual way, he just wanted to feel every scar and every stretch mark you had. But he knew better than that.

With his phobia and your reaction triggered by even the slightest touch, he knew he shouldn’t have had even a thought in his stupid mind. He was distracted when you were wearing a dress, his eyes were looking you up and down every occasion he had, thinking no one had ever noticed. How of a fool he’d been that whole time.

“I think you should ask her out,” Inej had once said, making him snap out of his thinking. “She’s not that bad, you know.”

“Inej, I appreciate your tries to warm up my heart, but I would have to have one first.” He’d replied, looking down at the money on his desk. He shouldn’t have been surprised, of course the Wraith had seen, she always did.

“What would bad happen if you opened up for someone?” she’d sat on the chair on the opposite of his, her hair braided as always, a little smirk playing on her lips. “You’ve known each other since forever. Also, I think only with her you show some human emotions.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he’d frowned, money in his gloved hands. “Now get out, I need to plan a job.” Inej had only sighed at his words, what a fool he was.

After that conversation, Kaz had been thinking how to avoid you. If you were in the club, he was somewhere in Ketterdam, walking around despite his leg pain. With work it was harder, you all had to work together in order to win over the city, exactly how you and Kaz had planned.

“I think we should kill Pekka Rollins first,” you had said, making an eye contact with Kaz. It was almost two years ago, your hair was shorter, your eyes glowed with sparkles he hadn’t seen ever since. “He’s been a pain in the ass, since I’ve been working in the White Rose.”

“Did he hurt you?” he’d asked, a foolish move, showing how he cared about you. “Touched you in the way he shouldn’t?”

“Kaz, every person who goes there does that.”

He’d sighed, his palms clenching harder on the cane. “I should’ve bought you out the first time I saw you there.”

“Kaz,” you said, touching his hand gently, he hadn’t flinched nor moved. “You bought Inej and both of us know she’s a better help to you than me.”

“You’re right.”

“Of course, I am, darling,” you’d squeezed his palm, letting go after a few seconds. “Now, I shall go. Boss will be angry if I don’t come back on time.”

“Be careful.” He’d pleaded, his voice barely detectable.

“Always am.”

He hadn’t got any idea why you were making him soft, you two had met after he came to Ketterdam. He remembered how beautiful you’d seemed that day, your hair loose, arms high above your head, and you were laughing. That sound he hadn’t forgotten. The pure laughter that had gotten out of you was a thing he still repeated in his head, years after he heard that last time. You never laughed again. Never got this spark in your eyes. Your smile never reached them as well.

“Kaz?” you knocked on the door leading to his room. “I need to talk to you.”

“Come in,” he replied, looking up at you. You had dark circles under your eyes, they were tired. You barely walked. “What is it?”

You took out a pouch, Kaz heard coins jingling in it. “I need you to buy me out.”

Shock made its way to Kaz’s face, you had never asked this question before. Even though he was prepared, he had a wad of money in his safe, just in case. He wanted to ask you so many questions but when you looked at him, pressing your hand to your stomach, rage started burning in him. “What did they do to you?”

“Kaz, please, I have money. Just do it.” You tried so hard to keep tears in your eyes, to not show anything.

“I don’t want your money,” he snapped, regretting it seconds after, he sounded too harsh. He got up and opened up his safe, taking out the money. “I am prepared.”

“Thank you,” you said, sitting on his bed. “Can I stay? I kind of don’t have any place to go.”

“Of course, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” With those words, he left, leaving you on your own.

After some time, that you just laid on his bed, trying to not paying attention to the pain you felt in your lower stomach, Kaz came back. His cane was clicking and he opened the door with a short sigh. The owner of the White Rose hadn’t wanted to sell your contract, saying you were his property. Kaz saw red, he’d hit Onkle Felix with the cane and had just taken the paper, leaving less money that it had been needed.

When he entered the room, you were laying on your right side, your back facing the door, you hadn’t changed. Your eyes were closed, but the breath was uneven. Kaz placed his walking stick beside his bed and climbed up on the soft mattress. He wanted so bad to touch you, to remove those hairs which gotten out of your updo, to caress your cheek. He took off his gloves, eyeing his slim, pale fingers. He laid down on his bed, he had your body next to him, he could’ve touched you so easily if he had wanted to.

Without the second thought, he touched your cheek slightly, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. Tracing your jaw line with his finger tip, seeing how calm you looked, how relaxed your body seemed. He removed his finger, testing his boundaries, yours also. He didn’t want to scare you off both by his trauma and yours.

“Don’t stop.” You whispered, gently opening your eyes, your voice raspy.

“Are you okay with that?”

“Kind of, just don’t stop.”

He wanted to pull you closer to him, to hug you properly, but instead, he took your hand in his and just traced small patterns on your palm. You smiled a little, falling asleep, while Kaz was just looking at you, remembering every detail on your face.

[rubysunnday]

moral of the story

A/N: this is sort of a s&b ep 6 - 7 rewrite but with kaz x reader instead. i had an idea and rolled with it, basically

also, this is one of the longest fics I've written on here so, enjoy the angst x

Summary: with their money running out and the General following them, the Crows decide to cut their losses and begin heading home to Ketterdam. But nothing is ever simple in Ravka and Kaz and Y/N quickly find themselves at each others throats.

Y/N opened the door to the inn, quietly closing it behind her. The loud chatter of the patrons enjoying their evening helped drown out the ringing in her ears as she approached the table Kaz sat at, alone.

She slipped into a chair opposite him and clasped her hands together on the table, tucking her legs under her chair.

Kaz said nothing. He didn't even acknowledge her presence. His eyes were focused on the coin he was slowly flipping between his gloved fingers, the metal occasionally disappearing and reappearing.

"So."

Y/N frowned at him, slightly startled by his voice. "What?"

"Are you going to tell me how the target got away?" Kaz asked. He slowly lifted his gaze from his hand to Y/N, his eyes locking on to hers.

Y/N sighed softly. She'd known this was coming. "Inej let her go... and I didn't see a reason to stop her."

"You were hired to do a job," Kaz said slowly, his anger and annoyance evident in his voice.

"Wow, charming, Kaz, thanks," Y/N replied, glaring at him. She drummed her fingers on the table, hesitating for a moment. Y/N leant forward as she spoke, "Kaz, she's a living Saint -"

"Oh, not you too," Kaz scoffed, rolling his eyes. He leant forward too, leaning his right elbow on the table. His gloved right hand showed her a coin, flicking it between his fingers. "A good magician is a good con artist," he said, showing her the coin. "The trick," he flipped the coin again and it disappeared, "is to make it look real."

"You can dismiss it all you want, Kaz," Y/N said, sitting back in her chair. "This is different and you know it. You were there! You saw her do it with your own eyes!"

"The best illusions are the most convincing," Kaz replied, sitting back in his chair, - almost mirroring Y/N's every move - a deadpan expression on his face. "That's the game."

Y/N scoffed, shaking her head. "Don't be a dick, Kaz."

"Since when do you believe in Saints, Y/N?" Kaz shot back.

"Since I needed to believe in something greater than myself to survive," Y/N replied, her eyes dark.

Kaz's gaze met hers. "I don't see you kneeling to every Heartrender or Durast we meet."

Y/N resisted the urge to slap the table as she spoke. "This is different!" She exclaimed. "She is a miracle! Her power could destroy the Fold, Kaz!" Y/N shook her head, casting her eyes down to the table. "I'm not going to betray my faith."

"A faith that has only existed a few months!" Kaz snapped. "We cannot work effectively if you and Inej are going to make decisions based on religious zeal!"

Y/N glared at him, anger in her eyes. "Is that a threat?"

"Either we get the target or Heleen and Sandra get the Crow Club and Pekka gets whatever's left!"

Y/N blinked at Kaz, her anger dissipating. A frown settled on her face as she looked at Kaz. "Wait... why would they get the Crow Club?"

Kaz was silent. He leant back in his seat, his anger fading as he registered what he'd said. Y/N watched him intently, waiting for a reaction.

She wasn't, however, expecting Kaz to suddenly shove his chair back and practically run away from her and the table.

"Kaz," Y/N called as the man limped off to the bar, leaving Y/N alone at their table. She stared after him, confusion evident on her face. She didn't know what Kaz had done - although she had her suspicions.

"What did he say?"

Y/N didn't jump at Inej's sudden presence - she'd become immune to her friend randomly appearing. "What do you expect, it's Kaz. He's pissed."

Inej sighed, sinking into a chair next to Y/N. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I feel like this is all my fault," Inej explained, twirling Sankt Petyr between her fingers.

"It's not, Inej, it's not," Y/N reassured, sighing. She set her chin on her hand. "I would've let her go whether you'd been there or not. She's a pawn in this stupid game - just like we all are."

Inej opened her mouth to talk but paused. "If... if you could... would you not go back to Ketterdam?"

Y/N turned to look at her friend. "Hmm?"

"I can't go back to the Menagerie, Y/N," Inej explained, moving closer to her and lowering her voice. "And since we don't have the target... we could just leave."

Y/N didn't say anything for a moment as Inej's words sank in. "Would you run?"

"I've thought about," Inej admitted. "There's nothing keeping me in Ketterdam. What about you?"

Y/N risked a glance up to the bar where Kaz was standing, waiting for a drink. She felt her chest constrict and she quickly looked away and down at her hands. "Perhaps. I suppose anything is better than there."

His pocket watch ticked rhythmically in his hand. Inej was sat to his left, silent. Neither one had spoken since he'd crept back over to their table the moment Y/N had gotten up. Kaz looked back down at his watch and closed it with a snap as Jesper approached their table.

"The alarm trigger is set," Jesper said, setting Kaz's bag on the table, "horses are ready and I've stashed the rest of our gear," he finished, sitting down and took his hat off, placing it in front of him.

"If we don't move soon the Black General will be on top of us," Kaz replied. "We can't waste any more time looking for the girl."

Y/N approached and sat down next to Jesper. "I've just settled our tab with the last of our coin," she said, pulling her coat around her, shivering slightly.

She ignored Kaz's gaze. In fact, she ignored Inej and Jesper too, choosing to focus on the table.

"We're really going to leave empty-handed, then?" Jesper asked, disbelief in his tone as he looked at Kaz.

"I'd rather leave empty-handed than get caught by the Black General," Y/N replied, crossing her arms. She risked a glance up at Kaz. "Although some people might disagree with that statement."

A muscle jumped in Kaz's jaw but he said nothing. His hands clasped around the head of his cane, his gloves creaking as he gripped it. A loud explosion came from outside and all four of them turned to the window as the crowd outside exclaimed in shock. The room lit up red and orange as flames rolled up into the sky.

"Our alarm," Jesper said grimly, his eyes frantically flicking between Kaz, Inej and Y/N.

"Split up," Kaz said, grabbing his cane and straightening his gloves "much easier to take a Grisha one on one than a whole squad of them."

Y/N scooted her chair back and pulled out her revolver, spinning it around her finger. Her blood was pumping and her heart was pounding with excitement and terror. She looked up at Kaz and found him staring at her.

He quickly averted his gaze to Inej and then Jesper. "Rendevous at the fountain."

Inej led the way out the inn, dodging the tables and chairs and fleeing patrons, curious to know what all the yelling and screaming was about.

The night air was bitterly cold as Y/N stepped outside and she shivered, grateful for the thick, woollen coat and scarf she had on. She took one step forward, following Jesper down the street. Inej came to a sudden halt and Y/N stopped, frowning at her. She looked up and paused her heart stuttering.

Four Grisha approached them from the other end of the street. A squaller, two heartrenders, and an inferni.

The Inferni stared at Inej.

Inej stared back, her breath quickening.

The Inferni's gaze dropped to Inej's waist and the solitary knife at her waist.

The scream that ripped out of the Inferni's throat sent chills along Y/N's back and arms. It was the scream of pain and revenge but as much as she wanted to feel bad for the woman for losing her brother, she squashed her feelings. Now was no time for sentiment. The Inferni screamed again, her scream bouncing off the walls and echoing around them. Her hands lit up with fire as she began to run at them.

"Move!" Kaz yelled.

Instantly the four of them split up. Inej ran back up the hill, the Inferni chasing after her and throwing balls of fire after Inej's fleeing figure. Kaz ran back through the inn and Jesper and Y/N darted to the left, running down the street before splitting up - Y/N going right whilst Jesper went left.

An empty factory loomed up ahead and Y/N made a beeline for it, darting inside through the open side door and vaulting over the guard desk.

She'd risked a quick glance behind her as she'd ran down the street and noticed one of the heartrenders following her. Y/N wasn't sure if she'd preferred the grief-stricken Inferni to follow her rather than the dude who could stop her heart if he got close enough.

The factory was deathly silent and Y/N quickly climbed up the metal staircase to the first floor, hiding behind the mine wagons full of coal. She tried to slow her breathing down and calm her heart so that it wasn't so loud, but she knew there was probably no point.

The heartrender could probably hear her heart from outside the building.

Footsteps echoed from the ground floor and Y/N crouched down further, pressing herself against the wagon.

"Hide all you want, girl," the heartrender snarled, "but I can hear your heart racing. It won't take much to find you."

Y/N swallowed, taking a slow, deep breath in to calm her nerves as well as her heart.

Jesper had told her a long time ago that all it took was one well-aimed shot to take a man down. That's all she had to do.

Just one shot.

Y/N could hear the man walking up the metal staircase, each footstep echoing loudly off the cavernous room.

"I can hear you, you know," the man said, his voice closer than before.

Just a little closer, Y/n thought.

"There's no point in hiding."

He was on the other side of the wagon. Now. Y/N jumped up from behind the wagon and fired her revolver, running before the sound of the shot had even finished echoing off the walls.

The heartrender grunted, stumbling back a step. He gathered himself and stood up straight, flicking the bullet off his kefta as if it was a bit of dirt.

"Kefta's are Fabrikator made and are resistant to bullets," the heartrender said, looking behind the wagons, peering behind every corner. "But nice try."

Y/N chuckled. "Thanks. My aim is a bit off, however," she called, darting behind the large, chunky pipes, "apologies."

"You have a lot of fire for someone who's about to die," the heartrender called.

Y/N snuck around a pillar, resting her head against the brick for a second, gathering her thoughts. There was no easy way to do this. It was going to have to be a bullet to the head - one of her least favourite ways of killing.

If you could have a least favourite way of killing.

But when your life was on the line, you couldn't be fussy with your method of murdering someone.

The heartrenders footsteps got closer to the pillar Y/N was hiding behind. She was going to do it. Her mind was made up. Another step closer. And another. One more.

Y/N spun from behind the pillar and fired but the heartrender flung his arm up and the bullet ricocheted off his sleeve, pinging off the wall above Y/N's head. Y/N went to dart back behind the pillar but the heartrender had seen her.

He brought his hands together and Y/N yelled out in pain, her chest constricting as the heartrender grasped her heart.

"Nice try," he said, slowly walking up to her. He stood in front of her and Y/N looked up at him, panting through the pain. "It's a shame to kill someone so young."

Y/N smiled through the pain, gasping as she tried to breathe. "Pity, I'd have to agree."

She fired her revolver, hitting the same spot she'd hit the first time. The heartrender fell back, taken by surprise by the shot and the impact. He let go of her heart and Y/N collapsed to her knees, coughing violently as her heart sped up again.

The heartrender roared, anger clouding his judgement, and jumped up again, desperate for a fight. Sensing it coming, Y/N rolled to the side and under a pipe, jumping up the other side. The heartrender leapt over the pipe and aimed a punch at Y/N's head. She leant back and he missed, his momentum knocking him forward.

Y/N fired her revolver again but she hit a different part of the heartrender's kefta and it had no effect on the man. The bullet pinged off the kefta and embedded itself in the steam piped directly next to Y/N. The impact forced the valve open and steam exploded from within, knocking Y/N into the wall and onto a pile of coal.

The heartrender ran through the steam, sensing an opportunity, but halted suddenly when he saw no sign of Y/N anywhere. He turned around and froze as he came face to face with the barrel of Y/N's revolver.

"It's a shame to kill someone too talented," Y/N panted, her pupils dilated and skin shining with sweat. "But, alas."

Without giving herself a chance to think twice, Y/N fired her revolver. The bullet embedded itself in the heartrenders forehead and Y/N took a stumbled step back, squeezing her eyes tightly shut and panting heavily as she felt blood spray onto her face.

Her knees buckled and she pressed her hand to her right side and swore as it came away bright red - blood staining her skin. When the steam pipe had exploded, she'd hit the wall and landed on an exposed, broken piece of metal. It'd sliced her side open and blood was staining her clothes and hands far too quickly.

Y/N inhaled shakily, pressing her hand back to her side, and put her revolver back into its holster at her hip. She didn't look back at the dead heartrender as she stumbled out of the factory.

Kaz was growing anxious. He'd been the first one at the fountain followed by Jesper and, after a few minutes of waiting, Inej.

But there was no sign of Y/N.

He was trying to hide his nerves but he'd noticed that Jesper and Inej were worried too. Jesper was constantly moving, shifting his weight from toe to heel, his hands fiddling with his revolvers or his sleeve. Inej had taken a knife out and was slowly spinning it between her fingers, staring at a spot on the side of the fountain.

"How much longer do we give it?" Jesper asked quietly, once again looking up at the gateway to the fountain.

Kaz kept quiet. "I don't know," he said honestly, his voice hoarse and rough.

Jesper nodded and turned around, resuming his pacing.

Kaz glanced at him and watched him for a moment. He turned around to face the gateway and he felt his heart drop. Y/N stumbled into the side of the gateway, her shoulder colliding against the brick. She looked up at Kaz, her eyes full of pleading and desperation before her legs buckled and she collapsed onto the cobbles, making no effort to break her fall.

Kaz took a step toward her but Jesper brushed past him, running to Y/N's side. He knelt down next to her, turning her onto her back and lifting her into his lap.

Kaz slowly approached them, hovering to the side as Jesper and Inej fussed and flapped over Y/N - who looked like she didn't entirely know what was happening.

"I killed him," she panted, her hand wrapped around Jesper's arm. "The heartrender, I - I shot him. I killed him, Jes, I -"

"You did what you had to," Jesper reassured, softly shushing her with a kiss to the head. His eyes flicked between Inej and Kaz. "So?"

"She's won't manage a horse," Inej said, her voice soft as she roughly wrapped Y/N's side. "She's barely holding on as it is."

"Well, we can't stay here," Jesper replied, his hand subconsciously gripping Y/N's. Y/N's back arched as Inej pressed down on her side and she hissed in pain. Jesper held her down, shushing her softly as he held her hand tightly.

Kaz tore his gaze away from Y/N's bleeding form and looked over his shoulder at the carriage that sat opposite the fountain.

Y/N looked at him and then up at Jesper. "Scheming face?"

"Definitely," Jesper replied.

Kaz turned back to them, his eyes gleaming with hunger. "That's a nice ride."

Y/N lifted her head, using all of her energy, and stared at the carriage and then at Kaz. "Seriously? Haven't you pissed the shadow man off enough yet?"

The smallest of smiles pulled on Kaz's lips as he glanced back at her. "Get her on her feet."

It took Inej and Jesper to pull Y/N to her feet and keep her upright. She leant on Inej, using her as a crutch since her legs weren't exactly willing to cooperate. Jesper and Kaz marched up to the carriage, intent on commandeering it for their escape.

Which involved Jesper having a book thrown at him by the poor unsuspecting Durast inside.

Much to Y/N's amusement.

Inej helped Y/N limp over to the carriage, a hand firmly on her wounded side. Y/N stumbled over a pebble and jolted forward, losing her balance. Jesper darted forward and caught her, looping his arm through hers and taking her weight from Inej.

"No need to go falling for me, darling," Jesper quipped, giving her a moment to catch her breath.

"Shut it, Jesper," Y/N muttered, wincing in pain as her side twinged.

Somehow, Jesper managed to help Y/N into the carriage and she slumped against the soft, leather seats with both a groan of pain and a sigh of relief.

Y/N could feel her hands trembling, her legs shaking, as she lay on the seats, an arm flung across her eyes as she fought the nausea and black spots threatening to take over her vision.

A gentle tap on her knee brought Y/N back to the now moving carriage and she moved her arm to find Inej staring at her with concern in her dark eyes.

"Let me see," Inej said quietly, gesturing to Y/N's side.

Y/N silently lifted up her shirt and jacket, revealing the bloody wound. Inej knelt down and wordlessly began to clean it and wrap it in a clean bandage.

Y/N looked up at Inej. "Are you going to leave?"

The question hung heavily in the air, Inej staying silent as she placed a thick piece of bandage over Y/N's side.

"I don't know," Inej replied quietly. "You?"

Y/N hesitated. She glanced up at the little window inside the carriage that looked out on the driver. On Kaz. "I'm staying."

Inej looked up at her in surprise. "Why?"

"Everything I know is in Ketterdam. With the Dregs. I don't know... I don't know what I would do if I left. Or where I'd go. I've run before, Inej, that's how I got here. I just don't know if I could do that again."

Inej didn't reply. She finished wrapping Y/N's side and lowered her shirt down, moving back and sitting on the seat opposite her.

"I'd miss you," Y/N said softly, her voice a whisper despite the fact no one else would likely hear them.

A watery smile appeared on Inej's face. "I'd miss you too. You don't make this easy," Inej admitted, sniffing and quickly wiping under her eyes.

"Hey, if I made this easy for you, Nej, I wouldn't be doing my job as 'friend' correctly," Y/N teased, winking at her.

By the time the carriage rolled to a halt, it was almost nightfall. The weather had turned and there was a harsh chill in the air that seeped into Y/N's skin.

Inej helped her to her feet and Y/N took Jesper's outstretched hand as she awkwardly clambered down from the carriage. Y/N gripped Jesper's arm and leant on him as she caught her breath, her legs rocky on firm ground. Jesper didn't say anything at how much she was leaning on him, he simply tightened his grip on her hand and guided her inside the barn.

Kaz watched Y/N limp inside, his jaw tight. He subtly shook his head, mentally telling himself to get a fucking grip and followed after them.

It was as if the three of them were waiting for a meeting as Kaz walked in. All three of them were standing to attention - Y/N swayed slightly but she had a look of determination on her face that told him she wasn't going to accept his offer of sitting down.

Kaz noticed straight away that she'd taken her layers of clothing off and was wearing just her dark green silk shirt and black leather trousers. Her shirt was untucked and the buttons askew and his eyes caught the blood stain above her right hip. He blinked his thoughts away and limped further into the shed.

All eyes looked up to him as he came to a halt in front of his three Crows. Kaz practically threw his broken cane, their last few pieces of kruge and the plans of the Little Palace onto the wooden wagon in front of him.

"Is this all we have left?" Y/N asked quietly, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.

Kaz said nothing. He looked up from his broken cane and his gaze locked onto Y/N. Her skin had paled drastically and Kaz felt his heart lurch as she suddenly swayed violently to the left and Jesper barely managed to catch her before she landed on the hay covered floor.

"Hey, you alright?" Jesper asked, setting Y/N back on her feet - an arm securely wrapped around her waist. "Here, sit."

Jesper walked Y/N backwards until she could sit down on a pile of hay. She leant back against the wall and hissed in pain as she lifted her shirt up. Y/N pulled off the wad of bandage Inej had placed over her wound and tried not to wince at the gory sight of her wound.

Jesper, however, gagged loudly and looked away.

"Not helping, Jesper, really not helping," Y/N muttered, closing her eyes momentarily as she fought the nausea rising inside her at the blood.

"Sorry, love," Jesper said, hovering beside Inej, putting a comforting hand on Y/N's right shoulder, his thumb rubbing up and down.

"Here," Inej said, picking up her bag and kneeling down next to Y/N. "It's going to need stitching."

"Oh for - really?" Y/N looked at Inej pleadingly but her friend didn't budge, pulling out a needle. "Fine."

Kaz watched Y/N intently as she shifted on the hay bale, pulling her shirt up out the way, tucking the edge of the fabric into the bottom of her bra. He was overwhelmed by the sight of her bare skin littered with scars and he wanted to walk over to her and take her hand in his but his mind was screaming at him to shut up and let the feeling go.

Kaz raised his head, forcing his emotions down along with the ocean and the stench of rotting skin. "How long before she can travel?"

"Not long," Inej replied.

"And I can speak for myself," Y/N shot back, glancing up at Kaz. "Where we going, then?"

"Ketterdam."

Y/N frowned at him, unable to hide her surprise. Judging from the stunned silence around her, Jesper and Inej hadn't been able to hide their surprise either.

Kaz sighed quietly, casting his eyes down. "Between our dwindling funds, lack of time, conflicting interests and injuries," his eyes betrayed his emotions as he glanced at Y/N, "it's time we cut our losses."

Kaz didn't wait for anyone to reply. He turned and limped off outside the barn, his figure fading into the evening sky.

"I guess the bastard misses the Barrel," Jesper muttered, watching Kaz's figure retreat into the fields.

Y/N's eyes were locked on Kaz's black figure, her heart pounding. She hadn't missed the way he'd looked at her. His eyes, as usual, betrayed his true emotions. A sudden, sharp pain broke her from her thoughts and she turned to stare accusingly at Inej.

"What the fuck, woman!" Y/N exclaimed as she made the connection between the pain, the needle and Inej.

"Sorry," Inej said, wincing but not actually looking that sorry.

Jesper gagged again, his hand tightening on Y/N's shoulder. "That is disgusting."

"You can handle a bullet but a knife wound is a different story?" Inej asked, shooting Jesper a teasing smile.

"Listen, bullets are bam, in and out, bob's your uncle. Knives... they should be reserved for meat only."

"In a way, we are meat," Y/N countered, pouting her lips as she nodded thoughtfully, agreeing with her own statement.

"Not what I meant, Y/N," Jesper replied, snapping his fingers at her. He looked down at Inej as she methodically weaved the thread into a knot. "Where'd you learn to do that, Nej?"

"The Menagerie," Inej answered, her eyes focused on Y/N's side.

"I learnt at the Lotus," Y/N added, hissing as the needle hit her skin again.

"Yeah, but why -" Y/N and Inej both gave Jesper pointed, dark looks. Jesper's eyes widened. "Oh, that's dark."

Y/N inhaled sharply, her fingers shaking from pain and cold. "Which is why," she hissed as Inej poked her needle through Y/N's skin again, "we can't go back."

"Well, I'm sure if one of you told Kaz that story he'd murder Heleen himself," Jesper replied, stepping away from Y/N's side and over to the wagon. He picked up the top broken part of Kaz's cane and ran a finger over the splintered end. "He'd probably murder Sandra whilst he was at it too, Y/N."

"Not if I get to her first," Y/N muttered, her hand straying to the lotus tattooed into her upper left arm.

"Jesper," Inej said, pausing her stitching and turning to look at her friend," you're not listening. We can't go back."

The realisation of their words hit Jesper. Hard. He stared at them both, his eyes softening and hardening with anger. Jesper blinked furiously, fighting back the burning in his eyes, and he dropped his head and cleared his throat, his thumb running across the beak of the crow's head.

"What's wrong?" Y/N asked, watching him closely.

Jesper pressed his lips together and swallowed heavily. He looked at Y/N. "Would you really run again?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Because I was going to say that you should trust Kaz because he would never let you go back," Jesper replied. "Either of you." He straightened up, something inside him hardening. "But I'm not going to tell you what you should do with your shot at freedom. Whatever decision either of you make... I'll help and support you."

There was something so kind, so... genuine in Jesper's voice that Y/N was suddenly assaulted by a wave of emotions. She could feel her eyes burning and she blinked quickly, looking down at her knee.

Inej spoke for both of them when she said: "You make this a lot harder, you know that?"

Y/N huffed out a laugh and she looked up at Jesper. "She's got a point, Jes. You don't make this easy."

Jesper smiled. "I know," he said, his eyes twinkling. "I'd miss me too." His smile increased and he winked. "I'm fantastic."

Y/N laughed. "Ah, there it is."

Y/N hovered by the barn door, Kaz's cane in her hands, watching Kaz through the crack between the two doors. Inej had left the barn with no intention of coming back but twenty minutes later, she'd walked back into the building with a small smile on her face and hope in her eyes.

"You should talk to him," Inej said, silently approaching Y/N's side.

"I don't think there's anything to talk about," Y/N replied, crossing her arms. "Besides, I don't think he'd listen."

"He listened to me."

"That's different, Inej, and you know it." Y/N sighed, resting her head on the side of the door. "God, why, of all the humans in fucking Ketterdam, did I have to fall for him?"

"The heart is an arrow, Y/N," Inej said softly, her little finger wrapping around Y/N's. "It demands aim to land true."

"You and your proverbs, Inej," Y/N said, a fond smile on her face. She squeezed Inej's finger. "Your Saints have anything for unrequited love and a broken heart?"

Inej smiled sadly. She hesitated for a moment and then dropped her head to rest against Y/N's arm. "No matter what happens, Y/N, I'll be here. But you really need to buck up."

Y/N burst out laughing at the sudden change in tone from Inej. She glanced down at her friend. "You are so mean, sometimes!"

Inej nodded. "I am aware. Now, go talk. I'll have my knives ready for the murder you'll inevitably end up committing."

And with that, Inej shoved Y/N out the barn door

Y/N skidded to a halt and glared behind her at Inej. Inej just gave her a thumbs up and a beaming smile.

"So, are you going?"

Y/N turned back to Kaz, startled by his question and at how rough his voice sounded.

"What makes you say that?" She asked quietly, slowly approaching him.

"Inej."

Y/N made a mental note to discuss secret keeping with Inej after this. "Oh."

Y/N stood awkwardly at the opposite end of the log Kaz sat on, fiddling with his cane. "Jesper fixed your cane," Y/N said suddenly, holding out Kaz's cane as a conversation started and a break the tension prop.

Kaz glanced up at her and took the cane, his hand curling around the crow's head protectively. He looked back at the fire, all but resting his chin on his hands. "Do you trust me?"

"No."

"Good."

"Should I?"

"Trust is for naive children, so, no," Kaz replied, a haunting look in his eyes. He looked up at her. "Y/N, sit down for goodness sake before you pass out."

Y/N thought she'd been hiding her pain well but apparently not. She gingerly sat down on the log next to Kaz, keeping a space between them.

"So, again... are you going?"

Y/N stared into the fire, listening for the pop and crackle of the logs. "No."

"Why not?"

Y/N tried not to sigh. She didn't know why. Well, she did know why. But if she told Kaz why he'd stare at her and then everything they'd worked towards would be gone. Because the reason she was staying was him. She was staying for him. And, yes, for Jesper and Inej too. And for the Dregs. But at the end of the day, when everyone else had moved on, gotten married or disappeared off to sea, Kaz would remain.

Because Kaz and Ketterdam were one and the same. And to leave one would be to leave the other. To hate one would be to hate the other. To love one... would be to love the other, no matter how hard it felt at times.

Y/N was staying for Kaz. For him and him alone. Because without him she wasn't sure she knew who she was. Kaz was the reason she'd gotten out of the Lotus - was the reason she'd escaped Sandra and her army of floral perfumes. Kaz was the sole reason she was alive.

She wouldn't leave him. Y/N wasn't sure she could.

Kaz wasn't easy to love - Saints knew he made it hard. But Y/N couldn't help but fall in love with him. If she'd fallen in love with Jesper, life would be so much easier.

Instead, she'd fallen in love with the wrong man. She'd fallen in love with a man so tortured, so haunted, so... broken he was incapable of loving anyone else for fear of getting hurt again.

But how could she tell Kaz any of that? How could she tell him that he was the thing tying her down and the reason she kept going.

Instead, all that came out was, "because you're my family."

Kaz scoffed, disbelief clear. "Of course."

Y/N sighed. "Because leaving you, Kaz, would be one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. Because you are the reason I keep going." Y/N paused. "Inej and Jesper are the reason I keep going," she added quickly. "If I left you - any of you... I don't know how I would survive."

Y/N turned her head and realised Kaz had been staring at her the entire time. She looked at him - at his eyes - and felt the storm inside her calm slightly.

"What about Sandra?" Kaz asked, his eyes glancing at her arm where the lotus tattoo sat.

"I trust you."

"I thought you didn't."

"Call me a fool but I do, Kaz. I do trust you. I just say I don't to avoid having my heart smashed into pieces," Y/N said quietly. "I trust you to get me out of the Lotus because no one else is going to do it for me and I certainly can't. And so, with my limited resources, choices and conflicting interests," Kaz let out a huff of a laugh at having his own words thrown back at him, "I have no choice but to trust you. Saint's help me."

Y/N turned back to the fire, suddenly exhausted from her confession. Her shoulders slumped and she resisted the urge to slump against Kaz and rest her head on his shoulder.

Kaz turned to look at her, his eyes ablaze with something so fierce that Y/N was taken aback. "You won't go back to the Lotus, Y/N," Kaz said firmly, his tone final. "And I won't be the person to mark you again. I promise."

Y/N forced herself to hide her surprise. Her shock. Kaz seemed to notice her disbelief and nodded his head once, confirming that what he had said was true and that he meant it. Y/N smiled at him and looked away, her eyes burning as two words circled through her head.

'I promise.'

[sixofpigeons888]

I Can’t Lose You Too

You get injured but hide it from Kaz in order to join a mission. 

A/N: Really don’t know what this is but enjoy. 

Ship: Kaz Brekker x Reader

Trigger Warnings: Little bit of angst in the end, small make-out scene 

Word Count: 1384

You and Jesper were hiding behind a crate as you guys kept your eyes on the targets. There was a sharp stabbing of pain in your stomach. You tried your best not to move your left arm too much because every time you did you could feel the rushed stitches you did earlier today pulling and coming apart. 

Earlier today you were walking the streets of Ketterdam heading back towards the Slat, walking in a dark alley because it was the quickest way there. You were distracted thinking about the important mission tonight. The Dime Lions were stupid enough to take something that belonged to Kaz. You were so distracted you barely dodged the first knife coming for you. Instantly you became alert, reaching for your own baton’s. 4 Dime Lions came into view and slowly backed you into the wall. 

“Look it’s Brekker’s Whore.” one of them sneered. 

“What are you going to do now that Brekker isn’t here?” another one said. 

You put on a twisted smile of your own and pulled out your twin batons. The first one lunged and the 3 others followed. It was a difficult fight, 4 strong men against one lithe figure but after 3 minutes you managed to crush the windpipes of 3 men, effectively killing them. There was only one left and he seemed to be the most skilled. You dodged each punch and kick sending your own as well. A sharp stab of pain startled you and you stumbled, allowing him to send 2 solid kicks to your stomach which sent you flying into the wall. The fucker stabbed you. The man towered over you and smirked. 

“Not so tough without Brekker are you?” before his smirk  could even form you threw your baton directly into his face, knocking him out. 

The knife didn’t hit any vital organs but still hurt like hell. You could feel the bruises forming on your stomach from the 2 kicks the man sent you. You knew if Kaz found out he wouldn’t allow you to join the mission tonight. The mission was already dangerous enough with you and without your skills the crows had an even higher chance of getting injured or dying. And there was no way in hell you would allow that. 

The pain was bad but manageable. The adrenaline pumping in your veins was the only thing keeping the pain at bay so you had to move fast before it wore off. Using the wall, you slowly pushed yourself up and lipped out of the alley, leaving the 4 bodies behind. 

You barely sneaked into the Slat. You did a rushed job stitching yourself back together and had to shove a towel in your mouth to muffle your screams. You finished it and cleaned yourself up, removing all traces of the events before. 

-- 

Now you were hiding behind the crates and could feel the stitches slowly coming apart. You squirmed trying to find a position that didn’t pull your stitches so much. 

“You okay?” asked Jesper. 

You tried for a smile. “Never been better.” 

Jesper looked at you skeptically but didn’t press harder. 

You kept your eyes on Kaz and saw his signal. Immediately you and Jesper got out of your hiding spot and were met with a group of Dime Lions, among them was the guy who stabbed you earlier.

“This has got to be a fucking joke.” you sighed but pulled out your 2 batons. Your left side was weak and you tried your best to defend it. You thanked the Saints for Inej multiple times when she stabbed someone moments before they attacked your left side. 

You saw the Dime Lion from earlier stalking towards you. 

“I thought the last time would have kept you down.” 

You quirked your mouth. “Come for round two?” 

And you pounced. This fight was more difficult, you were tiring too fast and the pain in your side becoming too much but you pushed on. He focused all his blows to your left side, knowing what happened earlier today. It took everything to defend your left side and a few blows slipped through. When they met the wound you nearly blacked out each time. He hit you again, harder than the last time, you were stumbling when a cane came out of nowhere and knocked out the Dime Lion. 

You grabbed onto the wall and pushed your nausea to bay, waiting for the black spots to fade away. You could feel all eyes boring into you. 

“Care to explain what that was?” Kaz glared. 

You managed to plaster a weak grin. “Nope.” 

“What did he mean ‘last time’?” asked Inej. 

“Your heart is beating way too fast.” said Nina. “And you look way too pale.” 

“I’m fine, great actually.” you were trying to get out of the situation and just wanted to return back to the Slat. 

“Lift up your shirt.” said Kaz, seeming to piece together what happened. 

“No thank you.” 

“Is your shirt wet?” asked Jesper. You thanked the Saints for the black shirt that hid the red blood but it was short lived. 

“No that’s blood.” observed Inej. 

“Y/n lift up your shirt.” Kaz pressed harder. 

You started walking out of the plaza, clutching your side but was stopped by a cane. 

“Kaz move your stupid stick away or I will snap it in two.” 

“Lift your shirt up.” You two glared at each other, refusing to back down. In his eyes you saw a poor mask of indifference but behind it a sea of worry and raging anger. The worry surprised you and finally you caved in. 

“I’m not striping for you in the middle of an alley, I’ll do it back in the Slat.” no one appreciated your humor but Kaz listened and you guys made the walk home. Kaz’s eyes bore into you the entire walk back and every time you stumbled the hand on his cane clenched harder. 

-- 

After struggling up the stairs you finally collapsed into the chair by his desk. 

After reassuring all the others you were fine they finally left you alone with Kaz. 

“Care to explain now?” 

Slowly you lifted up your shirt and gauged his reaction, you didn’t want to admit that you were afraid of how he would react. The bandages were completely soaked red and around the bandage was a huge plaster of bruises. Kaz clenched his jaw. You started to change the bandage and redo the stitches. 

Kaz silently watched you stitch yourself back up and when you started wrapping the bandages he finally spoke up. 

“What the hell were you thinking going on a mission after being stabbed?” 

“We’re all alive aren’t we? So I don’t really see the need for you to be so angry.” anger started boiling underneath your skin. Why was Kaz making this such a big deal? You helped with the mission and prevented possible injuries so why was he so mad? 

“You were a liability, what if you passed out? Or got even more injured? You could have endangered the mission.” 

Anger flooded your veins. “Oh so that’s why you’re angry? Only because I could have cost your precious kruge?” Throughout your fight Kaz slowly backed you up to the wall until he was only a breath away from you. 

“Am I even a human being to you?” you pressed harder. 

Kaz’s glare bore into you.

Anger choked you as you stumbled over your words. “Or am I some sort of-of-investment?”

He’s eyes were unreadable as you pushed on. 

“What happens if I get injured and can never help your precious missions anymore? Will you just dump me on the stre-”

“Goddammit I care for you y/n and I can’t lose you too.” Kaz shouted. 

You immediately shut up. Your brain short circuited and went completely blank. 

“What?” 

“You make me feel things. I-I can’t lose you like everyone else.” The end of Kaz’s sentence was raw with emotion. 

The next thing you know you press your lips to Kaz. For a minute he tensed but then kissed you back. The kiss was filled with anger and passion, both of you guys a clash of lips and teeth, refusing to let the other one dominate.  

“Hey is y/n feeling bett-OH MY SAINTS EVERYONE GET IN HERE.” 

[fics-n-stuff]

Home - Pt 2

For @glowstick-lesbian, request here

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Reader

Summary: After Y/N finally gets out hiding, it's time to sit down with Kaz and talk through whatever it is that's going on between them.

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: Brief talk of Jordie and Kaz's trauma and touch aversion

A/N: Wow this ended up being longer than I intended! I'm so sorry it's taken so long, I was focused on The Bastard's Shadow and Affluenza pts1 + 2, and then I started picking up more shifts at work and got writers block at the same time. I really hope you like how it turned out!! ❤❤

Pt1 here

After the very enlightening visit from Kaz, the days seemed to drag on even slower than before. The next two months went by in a crawl, and no matter how much you buried yourself in work you couldn’t distract from the longing you felt to get out of your apartment.

When your messenger came to deliver the news that your pursuers were willing to come to a truce you had been so happy that you’d gone straight to pour yourself a glass of whisky to celebrate. From then, you counted down the days until the meeting that you set up, the result of which should mean that you were free to roam the city again.

Inej had shown you how to get out of the window and onto the roof months ago. It was your escape route in case of an emergency, but you had used it every now and then just to sit on the roof and enjoy a taste of the outside world. That night, you had climbed out with intention and dressed in your finest coat.

You travelled over the rooftops towards the Government district, where your meeting had been arranged to take place near the Stadhall. The presence of the stadwatch would serve to protect you in case the deal went south.

You had been jittery with a mix of anxiety and excitement when you descended to street level and wended your way through the streets to find three men waiting for you at the Stadhall, all of them tall, broad and commanding. Barrel businessmen that you had crossed one too many times, and no doubt they had been angered that forcing you into hiding hadn’t put a stop to your business.

You were too smart to have not found a way around it; you had to be to run the business that you did. You owned three boarding houses and two bars in the Barrel and two ships that brought in imports from Ravka and Novyi Zem, a squaller as a permanent fixture on the crew of each to whom you paid a fair salary. You’d had Kaz put them under the protection of the Dregs to keep them safe from slavers. On top of all of that, you used your contacts in Ravka, Novyi Zem and other parts of Kerch to help get kids out of the Barrel and into honest work elsewhere. You might operate from the criminal underbelly of Ketterdam, but you made a mostly honest living.

The meeting took longer than you had anticipated. The three men were eager to negotiate territories that you couldn’t conduct business in and items that they didn’t want you to import because it was cutting into their own business. You held firm, you knew what was fair and you would be damned if you let anyone bully you into submission.

In the end, you essentially just agreed not to get in their way, which was easy enough to do. You wouldn’t actively compete with them in the sale of imported goods, and you wouldn’t try to convince any of the lads that they used as runners and grunts to get out of the Barrel. As long as you kept your distance from them you’d be fine, since they were clearly tired of chasing after you.

“Alright then, the deal is the deal.” You said, holding out your hand. All three shook hands with you in turn, echoing the phrase as was customary. When the man in the middle – clearly the leader and the last to shake with you – took your hand, you tightened your grip and leaned forward. “If you try to cheat me after this deal, you will have Dirtyhands to answer to.” You said lowly. He tried not to show his reaction but the fear in his eyes betrayed him, and you released his hand. It wasn’t often that you involved Kaz and his reputation in your affairs, but sometimes it paid to be friends with the most ruthless man in Ketterdam.

You left the meeting with your head held high and took a gondel back to the Barrel. You were approached by a few people who stayed in one of your boarding houses or drank in one of your bars on your walk to the Crow Club, telling you that they had been curious or worried about having not seen you around for so long. You didn’t engage in any conversation beyond polite acknowledgment, too eager to get to the Crow Club.

Inej was the only one that knew that you were getting out tonight. You had told her when she had come to deliver your food for the week and she had promised to try and keep everyone corralled at the Crow Club so that you could make a big entrance, but the later it got the less likely it was that she could keep them all there without raising suspicion.

You practically ran down the last street towards the Crow Club, bursting through the open door and searching the crowd for your friends. Jesper caught sight of you at the same moment that you spotted them all at the bar, and you saw his jaw drop in shock. A huge grin spread on your face as he set his drink down, his sudden change in demeanor getting the attention of the rest of the group and causing them to turn to follow his gaze.

“Y/N?” Jesper called, prompting you into as much of a sprint as you could manage across the crowded floor of the gambling hall. You vaulted yourself into him, wrapping your arms tightly around his lanky frame. “You’re back! How?” He exclaimed, and you laughed as you felt him hug you back and sweep you off of your feet.

“I had a meeting to call a truce. As of tonight I am a free person!”

“We missed you so much!” Nina grinned, prying Jesper’s arms off of you so that she could pull into a hug herself. “Why didn’t you tell us that you were finally coming out of hiding?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise.” You grinned, pulling away so that you could move to hug Wylan next. “I missed you guys so much too, you have no idea.” You caught sight of Kaz over Wylan’s shoulder, his eyes wide as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. You pointed your smile at him and his lips twitched upwards before he cooled his expression and gave you a simple nod.

Your reunion was spirited to say the least, even Matthias couldn’t help but smile at the fact that you were back. You made them tell you about all of the most significant things that you had missed in the year that you had been trapped inside and update you on any power shifts between the Barrel gangs. Jesper wouldn’t shut up, Wylan was excited to tell you about all of the new explosives and weapons that he had developed, and Nina was making a list of places that she wanted to get lunch together to make up for lost time. It felt amazing to be with them all again.

“Okay! I want to play a few hands of Three Man Bramble before I go.” You announced, pushing your glass away from you after downing the last of its contents.

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Jesper grinned, slinging an arm around your shoulder and guiding you to a table.

It seemed apt that fortune seemed to be in your favour, winning so consistently that you continued to play even though you knew that you shouldn’t. It felt like every time that you looked up from the table you caught Kaz watching you, and his unashamed gaze made your heart flutter.

After a while you saw him give a slight nod towards the door, an action that meant that it was time to go, and you tucked you lip between you teeth as you gave a subtle nod back and turned your attention back to your cards.

“Unbelievable!” Jesper exclaimed upon seeing that you had won again. “I guess you’re catching up on a year’s worth of luck.”

“Perhaps, but I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.” You smiled, gathering up your winnings. “I need to go and breathe some more fresh air.” You pocketed half of your winnings and pushed the other half around the table to Jesper. “Not too much fun.”

“There’s no such thing as too much fun.” He beamed and pulled you to him so that he could plant a kiss on your cheek. “Good to have you back, Y/N.”

“Good to be back, Jes.” You winked before bounding back to the bar to say goodbye to the rest of your friends. Kaz had already disappeared, no doubt in an attempt to avoid drawing attention to the fact that you were leaving together.

“We’re going to get waffles tomorrow. I will break your door down if I have to.” Nina asserted, practically crushing your ribs in a hug. “Inej, you’re coming too.”

“What about me?” Wylan pouted, and you laughed.

“Everyone’s invited.” You replied, holding his face and turning it towards you so that you could press a soft kiss on his forehead before pulling him in for a hug. “I just got out, I want to spend time with you all!”

You kept your hug with Inej pretty short, considerate of the bad feelings that too much contact could stir up in her, and even managed to coax a hug from Matthias before you headed out. Kaz was waiting not far from the entrance and you smiled as you quickly made your way towards him

“Hey.” You chirped.

“You wanted it to be a surprise, huh?” He questioned, starting towards the Slat. You chuckled.

“I know you’re not a big fan of surprises, Kaz, but I thought this might be a fun one. Why? Were you offended that I told Inej and not you?”

“Did you have anyone go with you to your meeting?”

“No, I didn’t need any backup.”

“Things could have gone badly, and you didn’t tell anyone about it.”

“Well things didn’t go badly.” You rebutted. “I’m here, I’m fine, and I surprised you all.”

“You shouldn’t put yourself in danger like that.” Kaz said flatly, ignoring your point, and you groaned loudly at his stubbornness.

“If it makes you feel better, I made sure to drop your name in to intimidate them. But I can handle my own business.”

You hopped along the cobblestones playfully, irrationally happy to be back out on the filthy and foul smelling streets of the Barrel, but even the stink couldn’t dampen your joy at finally being free. You were sure that you and Kaz probably looked like a bizarre pair walking together now, him with his stoic exterior and identifying limp next to your childlike joy, though you had taken after him fashion wise with your smart attire and well-fitted, black coat.

Walking back to the Slat with Kaz took you in the opposite direction to your home – now that you were out of hiding you could finally return to where you actually lived in a house on the boundary of East Stave and the Zelver District – but you wanted to talk to Kaz, and he wouldn’t have asked you to leave with him if he didn’t want to talk to you too. Nevertheless, you continued the rest of the walk in silence.

When you got to the Slat, Kaz continued straight up to his room while you lingered on the ground floor to say hello to some of the Dregs that you were more friendly with. The noise of the Slat was unfamiliar to you after so long, but you had kind of missed the rowdiness of it.

You followed upstairs shortly after. Kaz had left his door ajar for you and you could see him sat at his desk through the opening.

“Shut the door behind you.” He said as you slipped inside, and you heard the door click as you push it shut after yourself.

“You wanna talk to me?” You questioned, walking over to lean on the side of the desk casually. “Or did you just want some time to look at my gorgeous face?” He did look up at you then, his eyes darting around to take in the entirety of your face, and you felt your heart flutter.

“How did your meeting go? What deals did you make?” He asked. You sighed. It wasn’t new that Kaz was asking about your business, he liked to know about what you were doing the same way that he liked to know about literally everything else, but you had hoped that this conversation would be a little less mundane than that. You had hoped that he might express an iota of joy that you were back.

“I can’t dock my ships in 3rd Harbour anymore.” You shrugged. “So I’ll stick to 2nd for imports going into the morning market, mostly 5th for everything else. There’s a few streets that I need to keep my business off of, and obviously I can’t try and undermine their operations anymore. That doesn’t mean that I won’t, it just means that I’ll be smarter about not getting caught.”

“And what do you get from them?”

“They leave me alone. I don’t need more than that. I mean, their terms are hardly going to impede my business anyway.”

“And your insurance?”

“You.” You smiled sweetly. “Very few people are bold enough to cross someone that has Kaz Brekker on side.”

“I thought you prided yourself on running an honest business.”

“I do. My association with you doesn’t make my business any less legit. I’m more honest than most of the Merchant Council anyway.”

“That’s fair.” He conceded with a slight nod.

Kaz had visited you a few times since the night that you had both let on about how much you cared about each other, but you hadn’t talked about it. It felt like the tension between you had been building and building like an elastic band ready to snap. It was driving you crazy.

“Anything else that you want to talk about?” You hinted. Kaz let out a long breath, his eyes sliding away from you for a moment. You could tell that he wanted to talk about it but he was struggling to get it out. “Because you haven’t told me that you’re glad I’m back yet.”

“I am glad that you’re back.” He affirmed, then he took a hard swallow. “We all missed you.” You smiled brightly at that.

You could hear the crows moving around on the half-roof outside of Kaz’s window and crossed the room to perch on the windowsill. There hadn’t been anywhere for the birds to land in the apartment that you had been cooped up in.

“Can I stay here for a while? I don’t want to be alone again just yet.” You said softly, tucking one knee up against your chest as you watched the birds through the glass.

“Sure.” Kaz answered.

You sat in silence for a while after that, which wasn’t unusual for you two. Before you had gone into hiding, you had spent many evenings with Kaz in his office just like this. Tonight felt different though. Something had opened between the two of you and now you couldn’t close it. The feeling permeated every corner of the room until you felt like you might explode if you didn’t break this silence, but, to your surprise, Kaz spoke first.

“I’ve been thinking about that day that I saw you outside the Crow Club.”

“Why?” You asked, blinking in surprise. Kaz was still facing forward at his desk, back turned to you, but his pen had stilled over the page.

“I watched you for a while, deciding whether to chase you off or recruit you for the Dregs.” He continued, ignoring your question. You were used to that too. “You were good at pickpocketing – you could spot a good mark, distracted them by pretending to beg for pennies – but you stayed in one place for too long.”

“I know, you told me at the time.” You smiled amusedly.

“I was just planning on telling you exactly that, but after I got your attention and you looked at me I knew that I had seen you before. It was in your eyes.” He turned around to look at you then, his gaze finding yours immediately. “Your eyes never changed.”

Kaz’s eyes had. Maybe that was why you hadn’t recognised him. Kaz Rietveld had eyes full of wonder and warmth, that were curious about everything and shone when he was happy. Kaz Brekker's eyes were cold, they held secrets. The curiosity had become analytical, and the shine had turned into a devious glint. Kaz Rietveld didn’t exist anymore, the R tattoo on Kaz’s bicep was the only relic of him, and you were the only one left to remember him.

“Crows remember the faces of those that are kind.” He finished softly.

“And that’s why you took me in? Because I was kind?”

“Because we were friends. We are friends.”

“Just friends?” You murmured, a challenge in your eyes. It wasn’t a provoking challenge, more of an encouraging one. You wanted to know where he stood and you wanted him to be able to tell you. He was silent for a long stretch.

“Would we ever be able to be more?” He asked. You knew what he meant. Kaz had built up so many walls that he didn’t know how to let down, and he knew that about himself. It was how he had survived, but it was a way of being that wasn’t very conducive to relationships. He didn’t think that he could do it.

“That depends on you.” You answered with a soft smile. “Because I’m not looking anywhere else.” Kaz swallowed and looked away quickly, but you swore that you had seen a hint of a blush in his cheeks.

A knock came at the door, and you cursed whoever was on the other side in your head.

“What is it?” Kaz called.

“There’s a man downstairs says he has a job for you.” Specht’s voice came through the wood. “Won’t talk to no one else but you.”

“I’ll be down in a minute.” Kaz replied, then muttered something under his breath bitterly. You heard the creak of Specht's retreating footsteps and Kaz turned to you. “Will you wait until I get back?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

You watched Kaz leave the room and let out a long sigh once the door had closed behind him. You were finally talking about whatever it was that was between the two of you and you just had to get interrupted.

You shed your coat, dropping it lazily on the floor next to you, and rolled up your shirt sleeves. Despite the pressure put on you from some members of the Dregs, you had never gotten the crow and cup tattoo on your forearm. You had known from the start that you didn’t want to belong to the gang, no matter how thankful you were for the help that Kaz had given you.

When you had realised who it really was that had approached you that night outside the Crow Club, you had been shocked. He knew your name when he spoke to you, though he had seemed unsure of it, and you had furrowed your brow and asked if you knew him.

“It’s Kaz.” He had said, and you had blinked.

“Kaz Rietveld?” You had whispered in disbelief. His jaw had clenched, his shoulders stiffened.

“That’s not my name anymore.” He snapped. “It’s Kaz Brekker now.”

When you asked him why he had changed his name he had simply told you that it was easier that way. When you asked him about why he was in Ketterdam he had answered that his father had died and they had sold the farm. When you asked about Jodie he didn’t answer.

He had walked you to the Slat, told you not to talk to anyone, and brought you up to this very room. You had trusted him enough to follow. Despite his proud presence in the Barrel, despite the fact that he was walking you into the den of a gang, despite the fact that he was almost unrecognisable from the Kaz that you knew as a child, you had trusted him. And in the years that followed, he had never broken that trust.

He had helped you pay for the first boarding house that you purchased, come with you to the bank when you took out the loan to buy your first ship, had come to the harbour to see you off the first time that you had gone to Ravka.

Kaz had once reminded you of something from your childhood while around the other Crows, and once it had slipped that you and Kaz had been friends when you were young, people were constantly asking you about what he had been like. He never told anybody anything about himself and people had been eager to find a source of information on him, but most people had quickly come to realise that you weren’t going to say anything either. Kaz had never thanked you for your discretion, but you knew that he was glad for it.

If you were honest with yourself, you had found yourself drawn to him ever since you got your first glimpse through his cold and uncaring exterior and saw his loyal and protective nature. The pull had only grown since.

Your thoughts were broken by the sound of the door opening, and you looked over to watch Kaz enter. The door clicked shut behind him and he moved to the wash basin directly across the room from the window that you were sat in, set down his cane and pulled off his gloves .

“A good job?” You asked. He shrugged.

“A job that I’ll do.” He answered and began unbuttoning his shirt. You tried not ogle as he pulled it off and picked up the washcloth from the basin, but you caught sight of a reddened stripe of raised skin across his side and furrowed your brows.

“When did that happen?”

“A few days ago.”

“How deep did it go?”

“Not too deep.”

“It doesn’t look like you stitched it up properly.”

“It’s fine.” He dismissed. You rolled your eyes and got up from the window ledge. Kaz never took proper care of himself but he was always too stubborn to admit it.

“Let me see.”

“I said it’s fine, Y/N-"

“Kaz.” You interrupted sternly, meeting his eyes in the mirror. “I said let me see.” He held your gaze for a moment before letting out a huff and raising his arm so that you could get a better view of the wound.

You kept your distance as you looked over the injury, but you could clearly see that the stitches were sloppy on the end of the gash towards his back; the side that he couldn’t reach easily himself.

“You’re keeping it clean?”

“I know how to treat a wound.” He grumbled.

“I know that you know how, that doesn’t mean that I actually trust you to do it. You didn’t even have it bandaged or anything, what if it gets infected?”

“It won’t, Y/N, stop worrying so much.”

“Well, if you’re not going to worry about yourself then somebody else has to.” You exasperated. “At least bandage it.” You didn’t wait for a reply before you crossed over to the cabinet where he kept his impressive stock of medical supplies and grabbed a roll of gauze. Kaz caught it grudgingly when you tossed it to him and set it to the side while he finished washing his torso.

“You worry too much.” He muttered.

“It’s good for you.” You smiled.

You watched him as he unrolled the gauze and wrapped it around his body, carefully laying it over the wound with pale fingers that you rarely saw. He was precise, but he couldn’t see his back and the bandage twisted as he moved it between his hands.

“It’s folded.” You told him softly, taking half a step towards him. “I can fix it... if you want.” There was a beat of silence before Kaz nodded slightly.

You moved towards him slowly and reached for him even slower, your eyes constantly flicking back to the mirror to gauge the reaction on Kaz’s face. Your fingertips barely brushed over his back as you unfolded the downturned piece of bandage and you immediately stepped away when you were done. It took no more than a few seconds, but you could hear Kaz’s short breaths and when you looked at him in the mirror you could see that he had paled.

You picked up the clean shirt that was laid on his bed and held it out to him at full arms length. His hand shook as he took it from you. He pulled it on quickly, making short work of the buttons, and pulled his gloves back on hastily.

“Sorry.” You mumbled, though you weren’t exactly sure what you were apologising for.

“It’s because of Jordie.” Kaz’s voice was hoarse when he spoke, his eyes trained on his shoes. “Why I can’t touch anyone. It’s because when he died...”

“You don’t have to tell me, Kaz.” You said softly when he trailed off. He shook his head slightly and cleared his throat, squeezing his eyes shut for a few seconds.

“When Jordie died, I was sick too. It was the Queen's Lady plague. One night, I fell asleep in an alley and woke up on the Reaper's Barge.” He swallowed thickly, wringing his hands together thoughtlessly, and you could see sweat forming on his brow. “When my fever broke, I had to swim back to the harbour, and Jordie... whenever someone touches me, all I can feel is those corpses.”

Silence hung between you as you tried to find the words to respond. It was a lot of information to take in, but suddenly things made sense. Now you understood why Kaz had become the way that he was; why he was prone to shutting people out, why the light behind his eyes had dimmed.

“Kaz, I... I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s okay.” He muttered. “I have work to do. You’re welcome to stay as long as you’d like.” He crossed the room to sit down at his desk, his movements tense. You watched him for a minute, unsure of what to do. It felt wrong to leave him alone right now, but you didn’t know if he would want you to stay.

“I’m sailing to Novyi Zem next week.” You said. It was the first topic that you could think of. “I’d really appreciate it if you could look over the rent ledgers while I’m gone.”

“Sure.” He replied flatly. Silence again.

“Will you come with us all to get waffles tomorrow?”

“I have work to do, and Nina didn’t invite me anyway.”

“Yeah, well, the celebration is for me and I’d really like for you to be there.” You smiled slightly. “She probably didn’t invite you because she knew you’d say no.”

“Smart of her.” Kaz responded, and you let out a frustrated huff.

“Don’t do that, Kaz. Don’t shut me out.” You complained. He didn’t answer at all. You folded your arms over your chest and went to stand beside his chair. “I don’t care that you can’t touch people, it doesn’t bother me. You went through trauma and that’s not your fault. What is bothering me is that you’re choosing to stay closed off to everyone. You can’t keep your walls up forever, you’ll kill yourself trying.”

“I can’t handle it, Y/N.” He snapped, his voice low. The gravel in his voice might have intimidated you into backing off if you weren’t so adamant on getting through to him.

“You’ll never be able to handle it if you don’t start trying.” You insisted. “Maybe if you’d just admit to yourself that you care about people it wouldn’t be so hard to see that we care about you too.”

Kaz pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes shut tightly, and released a long breath. You watched him, waiting for a response, not backing down. After a moment of silence, he glanced up at you.

“I can’t need anyone.” He said slowly. “Not after Jordie. I can’t let myself need anyone else.”

“You don’t have to need me, Kaz. You just have to want me.” You replied softly. His head snapped towards you and you actually saw his pupils dilate for the few seconds that he held your gaze before quickly turning away again. You hadn’t meant it like that, but you weren’t upset that he’d heard it that way.

“I don’t deserve you.” He muttered. You leaned against his desk, a sympathetic smile on your face even though he wasn’t looking at you.

“I’ve been around this long, I’m not going anywhere.” You promised. “There’s more to love about you than you think.”

Kaz tapped on his desk with a finger, a nervous action that he would usually suppress. Then, he took a sharp inhale and turned back to you.

“Okay.” He breathed. “I can try.” You bit down on your tongue in an attempt to suppress your grin, but you couldn’t stop the smile that stretched across your face.

“That’s all I ask.” You lilted. You stood up straight, pushing off of the desk and starting across the room to the window. You rolled your shirt sleeves down and snatched your coat up from the floor. “I’m going to head home. I expect to see you at my door promptly at eleven bells tomorrow morning, ready to get waffles.”

“Alright.” He nodded, breathing a single light laugh.

“Perfect. I’ll see you then.”

“Here, Y/N, these are for you.” He said quickly, picking up and couple of envelopes from his desk and holding them up for you. “You’ll have to make sure to notify your business partners of your change in mailing address.” You chuckled, going to take the letters from him, and he gave a small smirk as he handed them over.

“Thank you.” You smiled, before turning and heading to the door. “Eleven bells, Brekker. I know you’re a punctual man.”

“I’ll be there.” He affirmed. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Kaz.” You echoed softly before stepping out of the room and shutting the door behind you, a fond smile on your lips.

[hamliet]

The Crows Summon the Sun

Or, Hamliet’s review of Shadow & Bone, which gets a 4.5/5 for enjoyment and a 3.5/5 in terms of writing.

The true heroes of this story and the saviors of the show are the Crows. However, the problem is that the show then has an uneven feel, because the strength of the Crows plotline highlights the weaknesses of the trilogy storyline. But imo, overall, the strengths overshadow (#punintended) the weaknesses. 

I’ll divide the review into the narrative and the technical (show stuff, social commentary), starting with narrative.

Narrative: The Good 

It’s What The Crows Deserve

I went into the show watching it for the Crows; however, knowing that their storyline was intended to be a prequel, I wasn’t terribly optimistic. And while it is a prequel, the characters have complete and full arcs that perfectly set them up for the further development they will have in the books (which I think should be the next season?). Instead of retreading the arcs they’d have in the books, which is how prequels usually go, they had perfect set up for these arcs. It’s really excellent. 

Jesper, Inej, and Kaz are all allowed to be flawed, to have serious conflicts with one another, and yet to love each other. They feel like a found family in the best of ways. Kaz is the perfect selfish rogue; he’s a much more successfully executed Byronic hero than the Darkling, actually. Inej is heroic and her faith is not mocked, yet she too is flawed and her choices are not always entirely justified, but instead left to the audience to ponder (like killing the girl), which is a more mature writing choice that I appreciated. 

Jesper is charming, has a heart of gold despite being a murderer and on the surface fairly greedy, and MILO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GOAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I also liked Jesper’s fling with Dima but I felt it could be better used rather than merely establishing his sexuality, like if Jesper and Dima had seen each other one more time or something had come of their tryst for the plot/themes/development of Jesper. 

Nina and Matthias’s backstory being in the first season, instead of in flashbacks, really works because it automatically erases any discomfort of the implications of Nina having falsely accused Matthias that the books start with. We know Nina, we know Matthias, we know their motivations, backgrounds, and why they feel the way we do. It’ll be easy for the audience to root for them without a lot of unnecessary hate springing from misunderstanding Nina (since she’s my favorite). Matthias’s arc was also really strongly executed and satisfyingly tragic. Their plotline was a bit unfortunately disconnected from the rest of the story, but Danielle Gallagan and Callahan Skogman have absolutely sizzling chemistry so I found myself looking forward to their scenes instead of feeling distracted. Also? It’s nice seeing a woman with Nina’s body type as a romantic and powerful character. 

Hamliet Likes Malina Now

Insofar as the trilogy storyline goes, the best change the show made was Mal. He still is the same character from the books, but much more likable. The pining was... a lot (too much in episode 4, I felt) but Malina is a ship I actually enjoyed in the show while I NOTP’d it in the books. Mal has complexity and layers to his motivations (somewhat) and a likable if awkward charm. Archie Renaux was fantastic. 

Ben Barnes is the perfect Aleksandr Kirigan, and 15 year old me, who had the biggest of big crushes on Ben Barnes (first celebrity crush over a decade ago lol), was pretty damn happy lol. He’s magnificantly acted--sympathetic and terrifying, sincerely caring and yet villainous in moments. Story-wise, I think it was smart to reveal his name earlier on than in the books, because it helps with the humanization especially in a visual medium like film. Luda was a fitting (if heartbreaking) backstory, but it is also hard for me to stomach knowing what the endgame of his character is. Like... I get the X-men fallacy thing, but I hope the show gives more kindness to his character than the books did, yet I’m afraid to hold my breath. Just saying that if you employ save the cat, if you directly say you added this part (Luda) to make the character more likable (as the director did) please do not punish the audience for feeling what you intended. 

I also liked the change that made Alina half-Shu. It adds well to her arc and fits with her character, actually giving her motivations (she kinda just wants to be ordinary in a lot of ways) a much more interesting foundation than in the books. Also it’s nice not to have another knock-off Daenerys (looking to you Celaena and book!Alina). Jessie Mei Li does a good job playing Alina’s insecurities and emotions, but... 

Narrative: The Ehhhhhhh

Alina the Lamp

Sigh. Here we go. Alina has little consistent characterization. She’s almost always passive when we see her, yet she apparently punches an officer for calling her a name and this seems to be normal for her, but it doesn’t fit at all with what we know about her thus far. Contradictions are a part of humanity, but it’s never given any focus, so it comes across as inconsistent instead of a flaw or repression. 

I have no idea what Alina wants, beside that she wants to be with Mal, which is fine except I have no idea what the basis of their bond is. Even with like, other childhood friends to lovers like Ren/Nora in RWBY or Eren/Mikasa in SnK, there’s an inciting moment, a reason, that we learn very early on in their story to show us what draws them together. Alina and Mal just don’t have that. There’s the meadow/running away thing, but they were already so close, and why?  Why, exactly? What brought them together? The term “bullies” is thrown around but it isn’t ever explored and it needed to be this season. If I have to deal with intense pining for so many episodes at least give me a foundation for their devotion. You need to put this in the beginning, in the first season. You just do.

A “lamp” character is a common metaphor to describe a bad character: essentially, you could replace the character with a lamp and nothing changes. Considering Alina’s gift is light, it’s a funnily apt metaphor, but it really does apply. Her choices just don’t... matter. She could be a special lamp everyone is fighting over and almost nothing would change. The ironic thing is that everyone treating her like a fancy lamp is exactly the conflict, but it’s never delved into. We’re never shown that Alina is more than a lamp. She never has to struggle because her choices are made for her and information is gifted to her when she needs it. Not making choices protects Alina from consequences and the story gives her little incentive to change that; in fact, things tend to turn out better when she doesn’t make choices (magic stags will arrive). 

Like... let’s look at a few occasions when Alina almost or does make choices. For example, she chooses to (it seems) sleep with Kirigan, but then there’s a convenient knock at the door and Bhagra arrives with key information that changes Alina’s mind instantly despite the fact that Bhagra’s been pretty terrible to her. If you want to write a woman realizing she’s been duped by a cruel man, show her discovering it instead of having the man’s abusive mother tell her when she had absolutely no such suspicions beforehand. There’s no emotional weight there because Alina doesn’t struggle. 

When she is actually allowed to carry out a bad choice, the consequences are handwaved away instead of built into a challenge for her. Like... Alina got her friends killed. More than once. I’m not saying she’s entirely to blame for these but could we show her reacting to it? Feeling any sort of grief? She never mentions Raisa or Alexei after they’re gone, just Mal, and I’m... okay. They were there because of you. Aren’t you feeling anything? Aren’t you sad? The only time Alina brings up her friends’ deaths is to tell Kirigan he killed her friends when they were only there because she burned the maps. She yells at Kirigan for “never” giving her a choice, but she almost never makes any, so why would he? Alina has the gall to lecture Genya about choices, but she herself almost never has to make any. 

Which brings me to another complaint in general: Alina’s lack of care for everyone around her when they’re not Mal, even if they care for her. Marie dies because of her (absolutely not her fault of course) but as far as we know she never even learns about Marie. She certainly doesn’t ever ask about her or Nadia. Alina seems apathetic at best to people, certainly not compassionate or kind. 

The frustrating thing is that there is potential here. Like, it actually makes a lot of psychological sense for an orphan who has grown up losing to be reluctant to care for people outside of her orbit and that she would struggle to believe she can have any say in her destiny (ie make choices). It’s also interesting that a girl who feels like an outsider views others outside her. But the show never offers examines Alina’s psychology with any depth; it simply tells us she’s compassionate when she is demonstrably not, it tells us she makes decisions when it takes magical intervention to do so. It’s a missed opportunity. This does not change between episodes 1 and 8, despite the episodes’ parallel structures and scenes, which unintentionally reinforces that Alina had little real development. 

Inej and ironically Jesper and Kaz embody the concept of “mercy” far better and with far more complexity than Alina does. The Crows have reactions to the loss of people who even betray them (Arken, etc), learn, and course-correct (or don’t) when they are even loosely involved in having strangers die. They’re good characters because they change and learn and have their choices matter. When they kill we see them wrestle with it and what this means even if they are accustomed to doing so. Jesper can’t kill in front of a child. Kaz wonders what his killings do to Inej’s idea of him.

Narrative: The Mixed Bag

Tropes, Themes, Telling vs. Showing

So the show’s themes in the Alina storyline are a mess, as they are in the trilogy too. Tropes are a very valuable way to show your audience what you’re trying to say. They’re utilized worldwide because they resonate with people and we know what to expect from them. The Crows' storyline shows us what it wants us to learn.

Preaching tells, and unfortunately, the trilogy relies on telling/preaching against fornicationBad Boys. It’s your right to write any trope or trample any trope you want--your story--but you should at least understand what/why you are doing so. The author clearly knows enough about Jungian shadows and dark/light yin/yang symbolism to use it in the story, but then just handwaves it away as “I don’t like this” but never does so in a narratively effective way: addressing the appeal in the first place. If you really wanna deconstruct a trope, you gotta empathize with the core of the reason these tropes appeal to people (it allays deep fears that we are ourselves unlovable, through loving another person despite how beastly they can be), and address this instead of ignoring it. Show us a better way through the Fold of your story. Don’t just go around it and ignore the issue.

The trilogy offers highly simplistic themes at best--bad boy bad and good boy good, which is fine-ish for kid lit but less fine for adult complexity, which the show (more so than the books) seems to try to push despite not actually having much of it.

Alina and Mal are intended to be good, we’re told they are, but I’m not sure why beyond just that we’re told so. Alina claims the stag chose her, but in the show it’s never explained why at all. Unlike with Kaz, Inej, Jesper, and hell even Matthias and Nina, we don’t see Alina or Mal’s complex choices and internal wrestling. 

Like, Inej’s half-episode where she almost killed the guy they needed was far more character exploration than Alina has the entire show, to say nothing of Inej’s later killing which not only makes her leaps and bounds more interesting, but ironically cements her as a far more compelling and yes, likable, heroine than Alina. We see Inej’s emotional and moral conflict. We can relate to her. We see Kaz struggling with his selfishness and regrets, with his understanding of himself through his interactions with and observations of Inej, Alina, the Darkling, Arken, and Jesper.

We don’t explore what makes Mal or Alina good and what makes them bad. We don’t know what Alina discovers about herself, what her power means for her. We are told they are good, we are told she knows her power is hers, but never shown what this means or what this costs them/her. Their opportunities to be good are handed to them (the stag, Bhagra) instead of given to them as a challenge in which they risk things, in which doing good or making a merciful choice costs them. Alina gets to preach about choices without ever making any; Inej risks going back to the Menagerie to trust Kaz. Her choices risk. They cost. They matter and direct her storyline and her arc, and those of the people around her.

Production Stuff:

The Good: 

The production overall is quite excellent. The costumes, pacing, acting, and cinematography (for example, one of the earliest scenes between the Darkling and Alina has Alina with her back to the light, face covered in his shadow, while the Darkling’s face is light up by her light even if he stands in the shadows) are top-notch. The soundtrack as well is incredible and emphasizes the scenes playing. The actors have great chemistry together, friend chemistry and romantic when necessary (Mal and Alina, the Darkling and Alina, Kaz and Inej, Nina and Matthias, David and Genya, etc.) All are perfectly cast. 

The Uncomfortable Technicalities Hamliet Wants to Bitch About:

The only characters from fantasy!Europe having any trace of an accent reminiscent of said fantasy country's real-world equivalent are antagonists like Druskelle (Scandinavia) and Pekka (Ireland). When the heroes mostly have British accents despite being from fantasy Russia and Holland, it is certainly A Choice to have the Irish accent emphasized. The actor is British by the way, so I presume he purposely put on an Irish accent. I'm sure no one even considered the potential implications of this but it is A Look nonetheless.

The Anachronisms Hamliet Has a Pet Peeve About: 

The worldbuilding is compelling, but the only blight on the worldbuilding within the story itself (ignoring context) was that there are some anachronisms that took me out of the story, particularly in the first episode where “would you like to share with the class” and “saved by the horn” are both used. Both are modern-day idioms in English that just don’t fit, especially the latter. The last episode uses “the friends we made along the way.” There are other modern idioms as well.

IT’S STARKOVA and Other Pet Peeves Around the Russian Portrayal 

Russian names are not hard, and Russian naming systems are very, very easy to learn. I could have waved “Starkov” not being “Starkova,” “Nazyalensky” not being “Nazyalenskaya,”  and “Safin” not being “Safina” as an American interpretation (since in America, the names do not femininize). However, “Mozorova” as a man is unfathomable and suggests to me the author just doesn’t understand how names work, which is a bit... uh okay considering a simple google search gets you to understand Russian names. They aren’t hard. I cannot understand why the show did not fix this. It is so simple to fix and would be a major way to help the story’s overall... caricature of Russia. 

Speaking of that... Ravka is supposedly Russian-based, but it is more accurately based on the stereotypes of what Americans think of Russia. Amerussia? Russica? Not great. 

The royals are exactly what Americans think of the Romanovs, right down to the “greasy” “spiritual advisor” who is clearly Rasputin and which ignores the Romanov history, very real tragedy, and the reason Rasputin was present in the court. The religion with all its saints is a vapid reflection of Russian Orthodoxy. The military portrayal with its lotteries and brutality and war is how the US views the Russian military. The emphasis on orphans, constant starvation, classification, and children being ripped from their homes to serve the government is a classic US understanding of USSR communism right down to the USSR having weapons of destruction the rest of the world fears (Grisha). Not trying to defend the Soviet Union here at all, but it is simplistic and reductive and probably done unconsciously but still ehhhh. 

However, I’m not Russian. I just studied Russian literature. I’ve seen very little by way of discussion of this topic online, but what I do see from Russian people has been mixed--some mind, some don’t. The reality is that I actually don’t really mind this because it’s fantasy, though I see why some do. I'm not like CANCEL THIS. So why am I talking about this beyond just having a pet peeve?

Well, because it is a valid critique, and because it doesn’t occur in a vacuum. The Grishaverse is heralded as an almost paragon for woke Young Adult literature, which underlines itself what so frustrates me about how literary circles discuss issues of diversity and culture. Such praise, while ignoring its quasi-caricature of Russia, reflects a very ethnocentric (specifically American) understanding of culture, appropriation, and representation. All stories are products of their culture to various extents, but it bothers me on principle what the lit community reacts (and overreacts sometimes?) to and what people give a pass to. The answer to what the community reacts to and what it gives a pass always pivots on how palatable the appropriation is to American understandings and sensibilities. There’s nuance here as well, though. 

I'm not cancelling the story or thinking it should be harshly attacked for this, but it is something that can be discussed and imo should be far more often--but with the nuance it begs, instead of black/white. But that’s a tall ask. 

[cryingoverkanej]

the crows in rollerskates:

(this is so long but its worth reading i promise)

anytime all six crows are in ketterdam they have an unspoken rule that they must congregate at the van eck mansion for dinner.

even kaz shows up. every time without fail. he says inej threatens him into it but really he just loves seeing his friends. matthias is alive idc

he’d never tell anyone that but they all know.

so one day after getting an invite from wylans very exhausted runner kaz locks up his office and makes his way through the sunday afternoon crowds.

jesper is buzzing.

wylan sighs at him but cant wipe the grin off his face at his husband’s happiness theyre married now because i said so

jesper has been gliding around the halls for the better part of a week testing out his new rollerskates.

he picked it up suprisingly quickly and was doing jumps and spins within the first day, far too close to the expensive vases for wylans liking.

wylan had had a go too, slipping and sliding, his face twisting into varying levels of uncertainty, falling with every step.

jesper was too busy laughing to catch him every time and so he ended up on the floor more often than not.

the next morning wylan had woken up early with a sore back, jesper was still fast asleep and one glance at the clock told him it would be at least three hours before his husband actually got up.

so out of determination but mostly spite, wylan crept out of bed, got washed and dressed and ventured downstairs to find the skates where jesper had left them in the corridor.

he had given his staff the day off in preparation for the crows dinner that evening so, without the risk of embarrassing himself further infront of a servant, wylan had slipped on the skates.

by the time jesper came downstairs four-and-a-half hours later wylan was skating around the ground floor with confidence much to jespers astonishment and delight.

nina and matthias had shown up not long after that and jes had taken the skates back to show off his moves.

“pleaseeee jes!”

“five more minutes nina!”

nina groaned. matthias grinned, she had wanted a go for the past hour but jesper was somehow still full of energy.

eventually he pulled to a dramatic stop and took a bow before untying the laces and handing them to nina.

she wasnt as smooth as jesper to say the least.

thud. “OW-” and a wide range of swearwords seemed to be her preferred reactions.

matthias got repeatedly swatted and hit away whenever he tried to help her.

“well don’t complain to me when you’re covered in bruises tomorrow”

“you can cover me in bruises later if you like” she winked.

matthias rolled his eyes but went bright red earning a satisfied chuckle from nina.

inej walked over and helped nina to her feet, slipping off her shoes and sliding over the floor in her socks to show nina the correct techniques.

nina copied somewhat successfully, only falling over half as much after that.

then jesper had had a brilliant idea and the five of them spent the next hour gathering every single cushion in the van eck mansion and piling them at the end of its longest corridor.

nina cried and skated towards the pile at full speed, landing in them and bursting into a fit of giggles as jesper jumped ontop of her.

wylan and matthias shared a glance that said ‘i-cannot-believe-we-married-these-literal-children’ before joining in their laughter along with inej.

“no no no no no.” matthias repeated as nina slipped off his shoes.

“yes yes yes yes yes.” she retorted.

matthias suprisingly wasn’t awful.

“it just feels like walking on ice” he’d said.

nina had been positively annoyed at how good matthias was and stuck her foot out when he sped past, her annoyance was replaced with disbelief when he jumped and swirled gracefully to avoid it before plummeting into the mountain of cushions.

inej was next, the shoes were far too big for her and jesper had to lend her two pairs of his fluffiest socks to make sure they didn’t slip off.

but still she skated perfectly, smoothly spinning like she was born to do so.

when they heard a knock at the door she glided eagerly over to let kaz in.

“hello kaz” she grinned.

“hello wraith” he replied fighting the smile that tugged at the corners of his lips, she’d missed that smile.

he tilted his head, she was suspiciously tall, before glancing down at her feet.

“jes got rollerskates.” she said.

“poor wylan.” he said stepping inside.

“hey! im rather good at it actually.” jesper said defensively.

“good at being annoying” wylan added.

inej kept the skates on throughout dinner, mostly because they could see she was happy with them on. and also because everyone had noticed how kaz was mesmerised by her as she slid round the mansion.

“kaz you should have a go!” said jesper when the group had settled by the fire and opened a box of chocolates.

kaz merely raised an eyebrow and waited for the sharpshooter to realise why that would be impossible.

“oh.” jesper said looking to kaz’ cane and bad leg resting on a pile of cushions.

“sorry” jesper gulped, embarrassed at how long it had taken him to remember that his best-friend-of-many-years was disabled.

then his face lit up.

“oh no,” said matthias.

wylan had a similar look of concern “jesper whetever you’re thinking-”

“-is a brilliant idea!” said nina, clearly catching onto his train of thought.

they both stood up and left the room clearly in search of something.

it wasn’t until ten minutes later they reappeared at the doorway slightly out of breath but faces both plastered with mischievous grins.

soon the six of them stood in the corridor and kaz realised what the two of them had planned. his eyes widened.

“absolutely not.” he said.

they had pulled out one of wylans best chairs, some expensive ravkan design that was supposed to be worth half a million kruge.

and it had wheels.

kaz turned around and started to make his way grumpily back to the living room when inej stepped in his way.

“you sit your ass down on that chair kaz or i will steal all coffee and everyone knows without it you’d just wither and die.”

the others laughed but inej was only half joking. kaz knew that and reluctantly set aside his cane and sat down.

“what now?” he said with a scowl.

“you know what.” replied inej.

and with that she grabbed the back of the chair and started pushing him towards the cushions. she still had the rollerskates on as the two of them hurtled along the floor.

inej screamed excitedly and kaz let out a muffled cry as he practically flew out of the chair landing face first in the cushions.

she jumped in a few feet away from him grinning wildly at the look on his face.

he looked… happy.

hair messy, shaking his head and failing to hide a smile. then he started giggling, like a child.

from behind they heard four other sets of running footsteps followed by a clash of thuds and laughs as wylan, jesper, nina and matthias joined them.

none of them made it a big deal that kaz seemed so relaxed, he wouldn’t want the attention. and none of them got too close so they might accidentally touch.

so they stayed, sprawled across the cushions laughing, for what must have been hours.

then as the sun set and they grew more and more drowsy they drifted to sleep.

even kaz brekker, dirtyhands, the bastard of the barrel, dozed off in the company of his friends.

(ig - pcttigrws if someone does fanart of this i’ll love you forever. also gonna post it on ao3 [pcttigrwsfics] )

[themangolorian]

ketterdam unsolved

For @kanejweek Day 3: Adventure (robbery & piracy, outer space)

Pairing: Kaz x Inej

Warnings: for some explicit language

Summary: (modern au) ketterdam’s version of buzzfeed unsolved (not what i expected when i started out) but you don’t have to watch bfu to get it, it’s just a modern ghost hunting au with a twist

“If this is going to work, then Kaz needs to be the skeptic and Inej the believer.” Wylan kept saying in various reiterations without ever explaining why.

“This isn’t going to work.” Jasper repeated.

“Shouldn’t that be Kaz’s line?” Inej smiled dazzlingly his way.

“Wylan is right.” Kaz finally spoke, his voice unwavering rough stone.

Silence fell over the room. They’d been bickering over the roles for several minutes and Kaz had kept his peace until now.

“Even if he doesn’t know why.” Kaz continued, effectively erasing the satisfied smile from Wylan’s face.

Jesper stuck his tongue out at Wylan in retaliation, but Wylan actively ignored him.

“Jesper, you’ll be manning the camera.” Kaz said, then, a moment later: “What was that?”

“Nothing, boss,” Jesper shot back enthusiastically, though they’d all clearly heard him mutter a second ago: “You’ll regret that when you see the footage.”

Kaz nodded in satisfaction. It wasn’t that they didn’t all rile him up intentionally once in awhile; it was that you didn’t do it during a job.

After all, if they were going to steal the Lantsov Emerald from a high tech security vault inside of an allegedly haunted castle while playing at being amateur television personality ghost hunters, they were going to need full concentration throttles ahead.

“What about me?” Nina pouted.

“You, my dear,” replied Kaz liltingly, holding up a skimpy yet utterly expensive looking gown, “are tonight’s distraction.”

Nina grinned devilishly, but Matthias only groaned.

“Let’s get to work.” Kaz murmured.

*******

Later, on the set Wylan and Jesper had constructed to look like some old timey investigator’s office, Inej studied the hastily thrown together script with wrinkled nose.

“This dialogue is terrible.”

“Oi.” Wylan feigned hurt surprisingly well.

“It’ll have to do,” Kaz agreed without actually agreeing from where he sat behind the desk at her side.

“This week on Ketterdam Unsolved, we dive deep into the mystery of the Haunted Castle of Ravka,” Inej tried but failed to say without cringing.

Kaz’s lips twitched. “The most awful part about it all is that they’re going to fall for it.”

Inej glanced his way slyly. “Oh yes, truly horrible.”

Kaz focused for just a second too long on that smile before forcing his gaze back to the script.

Jesper zoomed out of the shot. Oh yes, this was going to be fun.

********

The castle’s wide open hallways were cold and foreboding, and Inej found herself shivering from more than just the temperature. For all her skepticism about the script, she might be the only one of them other than Matthias who truly believed the castle was haunted.

Glancing past where Matthias stood guard (she didn’t know how Kaz had managed to accomplish that one - stand in security guard for a nationally recognized security company seemed even beyond his capabilities), the thought did little to comfort her.

Knowing she was being stupid, she still felt like eyes were watching her. Kaz, of course, noticed instantly and used it decidedly for their sham of a show.

“Don’t mind my friend here,” Kaz said in that awful voice she barely recognized, “she’s just positive we’re going to be murdered here tonight.” Kaz laughed into the camera Jesper was pointing at them. He sounded like a total idiot.

Inej stared at Kaz, hoping she was conveying the proper amount of derision.

“Everyone loves to taunt ghosts, until they’re being haunted by them.” Inej said as much for Kaz’s benefit as for the camera’s and that of the bemused tour guide showing them around before leaving them to their antics for the night. If only he would just leave already...

Kaz only laughed mockingly back, which riled Inej up even more. But she knew her lines.

“Keep it up, big guy, and see what tonight has in store for you.” She managed to say, this time without wincing.

The tour guide began leading them to the rooms where they had been instructed to keep to during their overnight ghostly vigil but failed to notice the way their eyes were memorizing every layout, every window, every door.

*******

When they had finally been left alone, charmed out of the castle as the tour guide had been by Nina’s wiles, Inej let out a deep frustrated breath.

What had seemed to be an interminable smile fell from Kaz’s face.

“Jesper, you take the east wing. Wylan will be waiting at the gate. Don’t alert the guards, but Matthias is on stand by if you do.”

Kaz didn’t have to say a word. Inej knew to follow him just by the look in his eye.

“Did you see the way the guide kept glancing at the door to the main study?” But Inej knew she didn’t have to ask.

“I’m betting that’s our target.” Kaz agreed, leaning lightly on the walking stick he had swapped out for his usually more dramatic cane. For the “aesthetic,” Jesper had said.

Inej didn’t bother to ask why Kaz had sent Jesper and Wylan in another direction. Kaz always had his reasons.

“It’s likely a pressurized vault.” Inej muttered, thinking carefully on what they had learned on their tour.

Kaz fished something out of his pocket and Inej’s eyes went wide. Then she smiled, taking the hefty false emerald out of his palm. “Our friend, Mark.” She laughed.

“Exactly.” Kaz didn’t smile but the twist of his lips was unmistakable. He was pleased with her reaction.

He was not so pleased when they reached the outer chamber of the vault. Inej had never seen such high tech locking mechanisms. There was no way they were getting in.

“What now, big guy?” Inej tried for levity but Kaz’s face wad screwed up tight. He was-

“Scheming face.” Jesper let out a low whistle, sidling through the door behind them.

“Definitely.” Inej shot back, watching Kaz take apart the puzzle that was invisible to the rest of them.

*****

The break-in to the vault had taken them the better part of the night. Finally, just before dawn, they had retired back to the window lined room and their sleeping bags to await the arrival of the tour guide who would check them out of the castle.

Wylan had fallen immediately into a deep slumber and was snoring across the room next to Jesper who was fiddling with the video camera, but Kaz was still too pumped full of adrenaline with their success. He could feel the hefty weight of the emerald in the inner lining of his jacket where it could not be detected even if they were searched.

He gazed fondly, if with a blank expression, over the room full of his crew. Then- his eyes found Inej.

****

“It’s a murder well.” Kaz was crowing enthusiastically to the camera, his voice an overexacting exaggeration.

Kaz raised one eyebrow at the TV as he walked into their crowded headquarters. Jesper, Wylan, Inej, Nina and Matthias were laying haphazardly across the too small sofa watching the footage Jesper had captured just a few nights ago.

“Holy shit, dude, this is how they murked traitors back then.” The on-screen Inej babbled while the in-person Inej groaned and covered her face.

“Shh, this is my favorite part,” Jesper exclaimed, tossing a handful of popcorn kernels her way.

“Oi.” Inej barked, beginning to tussle over the popcorn bowl as on-screen Kaz and Inej laughed a little too hysterically at some scripted joke.

“What business?” Kaz leaned on his cane as they call came slightly to attention before relaxing again.

“Just enjoying the fruits of our labor, Dirtyhands,” Nina laughed joyously as she popped what Kaz knew to be very expensive gourmet chocolates between her lips while ignoring Matthias’ longing glance.

Inej extricated herself from the pile of limbs of their friends to join Kaz behind the sofa. She was grinning wildly and bouncing on the toes of her feet. “So?” She seemed even more excited at the prospect of CEO Rollins’ downfall than Kaz was.

Kaz nodded his head curtly and Inej beamed. Kaz got the distinct sense that Inej wanted to launch herself at him and was disconcerted to realize he quite hoped she would follow through when-

“Awwww,” Nina was exclaiming in a loud sweet voice.

Both Kaz and Inej looked up at the same moment at the TV screen to see Inej as she had been the morning after their heist, in the castle, sitting on a window ledge with her eyes closed letting the sun bathe her in warmth and light.

Something was wrong. There had been no filming... There shouldn’t have been any filming then. The camera began to pan out and Kaz took a stilting step forward, though by then he knew it was too late to stop what was about to happen.

The room went still. Even Jesper had stopped his constant squirming. That early morning, Kaz had been sitting on the floor just diagonally to Inej. He remembered the exact second his eyes had landed on Inej then, the way his breath had quite literally trapped itself in his throat. He remembered possibly even better now as he watched himself on screen, past him watching past her with something akin to absolute enthrallment on his face.

No one moved except for Inej who Kaz could see, from the corner of his eye, looking from the screen to him. He could almost make out the disbelief and - was that joy? He wanted to believe that was joy - on her face.

Suddenly the camera on screen was being whipped around and Jesper’s face was filling up the entire screen.

“Told ya you would regret putting me on camera, boss.”

The screen went black.

[in-my-feels-probably]

INEFFABLE - Kaz Brekker

Chapter One - Now

If you would like to read this on Wattpad, it’s on there as well, my @ is in_my_feels_probably and there’s a few visuals and better descriptions and stuff on there. otherwise, enjoy, let me know what you think, and you can check out my masterlist for updates and more. 

don’t forget to read the prologue, it’s important to the story!

INEFFABLE – Kaz Brekker

ineffable (adj.) too great to be expressed in words, utterly indescribable; too sacred to speak of. 

Chapter One - Now

Elham gazed up from her book, sitting at the bar, to the sound of a gunshot at one of the card tables. Sighing, she got up from her seat, sliding her book to Rotty to take back to her room. And to think she was finally going to get a quiet night in the Slat, the previous night being not so quiet.

She began making her way over to the table, where Jesper was sitting leaning back, a knowing smirk on his face, his pistol smoking in its holster. Before she could reach the table, the familiar sound of a cane clicking on the ground was getting closer and closer to her. A light grin on her face, she slowed her pace, allowing Kaz to catch up, nod in her direction, and pass her.

“No loud noises at the table, Jesper. You’ll scare off the pigeons.”

Elham barely paid attention to the two boys' conversation, instead pocketing the counterfeit Zemeni coin left on the table, as well as a few Ravkan bills. Kaz was well aware she had slipped the money in her pocket, but he chose not to say anything, watching Jesper make his way to guard the door. She had been a big help in the previous night's heist, and arguing with her wasn’t worth the slew of sarcastic comments she would send his way. If there was a next time, he’d reprimand her. At least that’s how he justified it to himself. Elham knew his threats were hollow, to her they always were.

Elham trailed behind Kaz as Rotty had returned to talk to him about a missing Dekappel painting. He rambled on about how hard it must have been to steal it from the merchant, how advanced the security system was, locked down to the nines, complete with a Fabrikator made lock. She smirked to herself, eyes pointed towards the floor, trying not to laugh.

Kaz tapped the back of her leg with his cane, signaling her to go before she made Rotty suspicious, and she turned making her way up the stairs to Kaz’s office. She went straight for her chair, the one spot in the room she felt comfortable being in. This was Kaz’s space, and despite the two growing close over the years, and her constantly in his office or room, she still felt the need to confide herself to the space he had given her.

He had put that chair in by the window after he noticed how uncomfortable she looked on the window ledge when she came into his office to read, or chat about a heist. And plus, the window’s ledge was Inej’s spot, occupied by her as she came and went, feeding the crows and returning to the rooftops. Elham made herself comfortable in the chair, glancing around the room, eyes landing on the Dekappel hung on the wall.

Lifting the painting hadn’t been the easiest job. She wasn’t sure why Kaz had even decided to steal it in the first place. Nobody knew it was them who had taken it. Perhaps he did it for his own satisfaction, to prove he couldn’t be bested by some “advanced” security system. Or secretly, he had a taste for the finer things in life, and was too embarrassed to be caught shopping for a piece of art himself, and he sure as hell wasn’t about to ask Elham to get something for him. He’d never hear the end of it.

She’d like to think his reason was the latter.

Elham grinned to herself, reaching to pick up one of the books scattered across Kaz’s desk, when he walked into the room, latching the door behind him. He said nothing, only slightly scoffing at her position, curled up in the chair by the window in what looked like the most uncomfortable way she could possibly be. He could feel his own leg aching at the idea of contorting it the way she currently had hers, but she only smirked up at him, like this was the most comfortable she had been all day.

Sometimes, he thought to himself that everything Elham did was to spite him, or to try and get some sort of visible reaction. As the years passed by, his mask became harder and harder to read, and she made multiple attempts to slip through the cracks and see what was underneath. Unfortunately, this attempt was futile, and he made his way through the archway into his room, heading for the bathroom sink.

Elham, who had been shuffling her feet waiting for Kaz to finish, stood as she felt a draft hit her. She slowly made her way around the corner, only to meet his eyes already looking at her in the mirror, and then glancing towards the open window behind him. He faced forward again as he watched Elham’s lips turn up into a smile as she looked at the window.

“Hello, Inej. What information do you have for me?”

“A lead on a job. A big one. Enough money to change lives.”

Elham smirked to herself as she gave Inej a quick hug. “I don’t think it’ll take much to change someone’s life in the Barrel. I mean, look at us.”

“A million kruge?” Inej asked, smirking. Elham whipped her head towards her at that, then turned to meet Kaz’s eyes in the mirror. He gave her a nod, and she took that as her que to leave.

As the unofficial mother of the group, it was her job to round up the Crows and inform the Dregs, to make sure they were ready for a heist. Mostly, her job was to round up Jesper, make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. Jesper, of course, was at one of the gambling tables, leaned back in his chair, staring intently at his cards.

“Jesper!” He looked up from his hand and glanced around the room till his eyes fell on her. She motioned for him to follow, and he met her by the staircase leading to Kaz’s office. “We have a job. I don’t know the details yet, but just be prepared for me to come find you or Kaz to give you an order. Oh and Jesper, love, pick another game. How many hands am I gonna have to watch you play before you run out of bills? Really, it’s getting hard to watch at this point.”

She quickly took off back up the stairs before his swat could meet her arm, only to nearly run into Inej on the way up.

“Inej? What’s wrong?” Elham asked, catching Inej’s hand and giving it a squeeze.

“He infuriates me sometimes. I honestly don’t know how you deal with him.” She gave Elham a light smile before continuing down the stairs, heading in Jesper’s direction. Elham climbed the stairs once more and made her way back into Kaz’s office.

---

“You’re serious? The Fold? You know how to get across the Fold?” She gave Kaz an exasperated look. In all her years of knowing him, this might have been the most idiotic idea he’s had yet. But, with a million kruge on the table, she knew there was nothing stopping him.

“No, I don't know how to get across. But I may know a few people who do. Come on, go and find Jesper, tell him the plan. We’re meeting with Dreesen at midnight. I’ll meet you all in the alley in half an hour.”

She nodded, turning to head towards the door. “Kaz...does Pekka know about this job?”

His eyes darkened at the mention of the name, his grip on his cane’s head becoming tighter. He shook his head with uncertainty, face set with a hardened look. Elham nodded, jaw clenching at the thought. Dealing with Pekka Rollins certainly wasn’t on her to do list, and in all honesty, she was hoping to never meet the man.

Throughout the years, Kaz had told her bits and pieces about what Pekka had done to him, and she had learned for herself what kind of a monster he and his men could be. His Dime Lion’s were the reason she started killing in the first place. Pekka Rollins could count his days. With Dirtyhands and the Valkyrie after him, he was certainly doomed.

Seeing her eyes drift, her thoughts cloud, he sighed, tapping her ankle with the end of his cane, and her eyes met his. “Go on, Valkyrie. And think about losing the murderous look on your face before you scare the pigeons.” His tone was laced with sarcasm, a tactic she normally used on him.

“I’ll think about it.”

---

A few hours later, the Crows had interrogated the slew of people Kaz and Jesper knew that claimed they knew a way across the Fold. Of course, none of them had a safe way, and Elham began pondering if the million kruge was worth the imminent death. They were back in the Crow Club, sitting in a booth. Inej was twirling her knife, Elham was sharpening her sword, and Kaz was glancing around with his usual look of annoyance. Jesper finally broke the silence.

“Here’s what I don’t get.”

“We’re going to be here all night.” Inej commented. Elham let out a laugh at that, patting Jesper on the shoulder.

“Rude.”

“I’m going to have to get a drink for this conversation. Anyone want one?” Elham asked, heading for the bar. She returned to the table with shots in hand, to hear Jesper mention General Kirigan. She stopped in her tracks, setting the drinks on the table, before taking a step back.

“Are you alright, El?” Jesper asked, but she didn’t hear. Her mind raced back to her days at the Little Palace, to the warnings from Baghra about the General. Her thoughts continued tangling together, and she was unaware of Jesper and Inej’s attempts to get her attention.

“Elham.”

She glanced up at the voice. Kaz’s voice. Elham cleared her throat.

“Sorry, I’m fine. Just got sidetracked. Sorry to miss what I’m sure were your very intelligent remarks, Jesper.” She quickly changed the subject, missing how Kaz’s eyes lingered on her. She slid back into the booth, throwing back a shot. They continued their conversation, Elham quieter than before. Kaz didn’t miss that either.

“Well, as I was saying. This whole job sounds like a trap, anyways.” Jesper said, before sipping one of the drinks Elham had brought over.

“A trap would sound easy. This is something else.” Kaz remarked.

“Boss, boss. We intercepted a note from Dreesen. It’s from the Orchid. Say’s they require the services of a Heartrender. Tonight. Doesn’t say why, just that they need it before midnight.” One of the Dregs who had come running over explained.

Elham smirked. “Oh we are absolutely not letting this job go.”

“You don’t bring in a Heartrender unless you need an answer out of someone who isn’t willing to talk. That’s how we get this job before anyone else. Bring Dreeson a Heartrender.”

“Boss, just one problem. Pekka Rollins knows.”

Kaz glanced at Elham, who only looked more determined. Elham downed another shot, before standing up.

“Well. I’m feeling particularly vengeful tonight. Let’s go get a Heartrender.”

---

A/N - hi everyone, sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. i've been busy and didn't have much motivation to write, but I'm ready to go again. let me know what you think so far, and thank you for the support!

[mizelophsun11]

Mizeloph's Tale Chapter 2

Pairing - Right now the pairing is General Kirigan x OC Sun Summoner, but that will eventually change to Kaz Brekker x OC Sun Summoner

Summary - Ketterdam is a city of thieves and these three are no strangers as they find themselves the first to a huge money job. Past are uncovered and people who where thought to be gone to the other might yet still be alive.

Word Count - 1574

-

Ketterdam

Kaz Brekker had changed, he wasn’t the same as he was before Jordies death, when he got back from the sea of death everything was different. He learned very quickly that being alone was not how someone thrived in Ketterdam, so he joined the Dregs. His past was something that Kaz kept close to his chest, no one knew that there was one person he thought of but always tried not to, a girl with white hair. However, sometimes that one person was overshadowed by his greed to one up Pekka Rollins, the man that had ruined his life. Which made stealing the Heartrender from underneath Pekkas grasp very satisfying. With Inej and Jesper they walked up to the gates that belonged to Dressen, the man who was offering the shining million kruge job.

A man approached the gate to see who the visitors were “Who are you?” he asked

“We’re here to see Dreesen” Kaz answered

He looked at the group confused “you’re not with Pekka’s crew”

“And you’re no longer in Pekka’s pocket if you don’t owe him” Kaz threw a bag of coins in between the bars of the gate, the man caught the bag and looked at it.

The gates then opened and they were allowed in “Hey! One of these has a hole in it!”

“Inside, now” Kaz said ushering the group into the building

They were brought into an office where Dressen was sitting. Kaz knew that they would have the upper hand, being first to have what Dressen wanted was key to securing the job. They needed this, it would be a big deal for the Crows to be able to get this kind of money. Dreesen looked them all over and already had an idea about the people who were standing in front of him.

“Criminals, it only takes one look” he eyes them a bit more before returning to the papers on his desk “I am not meeting with anyone until midnight so you are just wasting your time”

“We have the Heartrender that you requested” Kaz said

Dressen sighed and took a moment to think “Well.. alright, she stays and the rest of you can wait here” he said getting up from his chair and walking around his desk

The heartrender went to walk forward but Kaz stopped her with his cane “No, she stays and we have an exclusive on the job”

“Now Mr. Brekker. No businessman worth his salt hires his first applicants”

Kaz shrugged his shoulders “of course, I understand. It’s a big decision to make, just like the decision to report you to the guild for kidnapping and harboring a prisoner chain of title” he smirked a little, showing off his confidence, Kaz was the one with the upper hand in their little exchange

Dreesen glared at Kaz “you wouldn’t dare”

“No businessman worth his salt bargains for what he can take” Kaz answered

The Heartrender raised her hand “I have to be back in an hour”

“Alright, come on”

Dressen brought them down to where he was keeping the hostage, he walked up to him and turned to face the crew. Kaz went from looking around the room then back to where Dressen was standing.

“This is Alexi Stepanov” he pulled the bag off of his head to reveal his face “two weeks ago Alexei here crossed the Fold on foot, he was alone”

Inej was shocked “how?” she saw that the man was mouthing the word ‘water’ and she got him a glass for him to drink

“They’re keeping it quiet, but allegedly he was one of a few witnesses to an event..”

“What kind of event?” Kaz asked

“I know an expedition was swarmed by Volcra, it should have been a total loss, but something happened.. Right now the running theory over here is that it was a new device, one only for the worst case scenarios, but something is different about what was seen. It lit up the Fold like a forest fire. However, whatever destroyed the swarming Volcra was not a device with fire, because it would have killed everyone on that skiff. It had to have been some sort of new invention no one has seen before. This man is the answer, he hasn’t been able to speak, some sort of trauma lapse” Dreesen explained

The Heartrender approached Alexei and knelt down then started to slow down his heart beat to calm him down “you are safe now, speak and I will just listen” she smiled gently at him “tell me what happened in the Fold, what saved you?”

Alexei took in a deep breath, feeling his heart coming down to a steady pace “If I tell you, will you set me free?”

Dreesen nodded “you are in Ketterdam now, you can go anywhere in the world from here, just imagine”

“Her name is.. Anna Mizeloph, she is the Sun Summoner” Alexei said, not realizing the gates he had just opened

Kaz’s world froze, the same name of the girl with white hair he thought of every day was at the center of a myth, the Sun Summoner. So many questions were running through his mind about her and what had led her to that skiff where she had somehow demonstrated that she was the mythical Sun Summoner. He couldn’t piece together what could have happened to get her away from Ketterdam to the other side of the Fold. Kaz did understand that they had been separated as children and hoped that one day they would find each other. After he had fought tooth and nail to survive from the killer ocean in order to get back to her, she had just up and disappeared. He was always confused about how a girl with white hair would be difficult to find, but it was like she had never existed. As he was dealing with his trauma Kaz was working day and night to find Anna, but he could never find a lead that could get him something. For a while Kaz held onto those memories with Anna, they were the only way he could get through his trauma. However, those memories could not always protect Kaz forever, he had to eventually become a new person, someone who could thrive in Ketterdam, not just survive. Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel had been shaped by his hardships in Ketterdam and he clawed his way to where he was now. Today, one thing that had always held him back was Anna Mizeloph even if he didn’t know it, if they ever found each other he questioned what she would think of him and how he had changed. In the end Anna Mizeloph was the last piece of Kaz Rietveld and he tried to let go, but Kaz never could.

Jesper and Inej knew they would want to talk with Kaz later about how he had reacted to Anna Mizelophs name. They had never seen him react so quickly just to hide it, there was something more to this and they were going to find out.

Dreesen smiled and checked the manifest “perfect” Alexei smiled “you will set me free now?” he was ready to see the world and erase the horrors of the Fold from his mind

“Thank you, of course” Dreesen then pulled out a gun and shot Alexei in the head, his body dropping to the floor, the heartrender screamed, shocked by what had just happened.

“We are now the only people west of the Fold who know this information, my ship sails for West Ravka at dawn. If you can prove that you have a way through the Fold and back, I will put you on that ship with an advance. If you don’t, I might consider giving the job to Pekaa Rollins”

“Give me a day” Kaz bargained

“You have until sunrise, then your ship will have sailed, Mr Brekker. The prize is one million kruge. Now, bring me Anna Mizeloph” Dreesens men showed them out

When they were finally back to the three of them Inej decided she would step up and ask first about Kaz's reaction “when that man said Anna Mizeloph, the look on your face.. I have never seen you react like that, you knew her didn’t you?”

Kaz looked at Inej wondering if he should indulge her question “I knew one girl named Anna Mizeloph, but she has been gone for a very long time...”

Jesper gave Kaz a look “I mean, how rare is the last name Mizeloph?”

“She is the only one I have ever known to have that last name, so it might be her.. If it is, then we have an advantage over the competition, especially if we are going to be competing with Pekka Rollins” Kaz knew that this would be the chance for his past to finally be useful

“You would really use your past with Anna Mizeloph to put her into a false sense of security?” Inej asked slightly shocked, she knew that Kaz could be a bit harsh especially when it came to the possibility of a lot of money and beating Pekka Rollins, but she did not think he would go this far to emotionally manipulate Anna if he needed to

“For a million kruge, yes” Kaz said and walked off thinking about how we would find them a way through the Fold, there and back.

-

Author Note - I am extremely happy that others are enjoying this story and the comments left on chapter 1 warmed my heart! Thank you so much for everyone who left a comment, I had no idea that would happen even when I asked. Again, it is completely up to you if you would like to leave a comment, but know that I enjoy reading them. Also I really hope that this is a decent introduction to Kazans Brekker and him finding out. Also! If you would like to be added to the tag list please comment and let me know so I can add you, I will try my best to remember everyone!

Thank you so much for all of your guys support!

Tag List - @rika90 @itsemy01 @hotleaf-juice @teatimeforusreaders

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

The Muses - Chapter 4 

Moving To The Slat

Pairing - Kaz Brekker x Original Character, Six of Crows x Platonic Original Characters

Summary - Lily, Isabelle and Dora move into the Slat and get ready for their first concert.

Warnings - None. 

A/N - Okay, so hi everyone! Thanks to everyone for being so patient! I’ve had terrible writer’s block regarding this series and I’ve been taking some really important exams and a new job that requires a lot of my time and attention so I didn’t have much time to devote to this story. So it means so much to me if you guys have been reading and enjoying ‘The Muses’ so far. Thank you to everyone who has sent really kind and uplifting comments about this story and kept me to encourage writing! I hope you all like this and let me know what you think!

Lily, Isabelle and Dora had moved to the Slat immediately after they had accepted Kaz offer of employment. It was surprisingly warm and they were given rooms in the second floor. Isabelle and Dora were given one room in the second floor and Lily was given a smaller room with a cot. Nina and Inej had waited for Lily’s reaction as she stepped into the small room with a cot and a view of nothing but swirls of smoke but in the distance she could glimpse the sea and down below she could see the flurry of people going about with their lives. 

It was certainly not like the room back at home but it was warm and a good place to relax and get some rest. 

Nina was the first to speak “It’s not much, we know.”

Lily realized that they had mistaken her observational silence for rudeness as she spoke up quickly “No, no! I love it! It’s got plenty of light and it’s warm! I can hang things on the walls and decorate it, right?”

Nina and Inej nodded with bright smiles and Lily gestured towards the table “Oh, I can use the table here to write and read.”

Lily ran to jump childishly onto her small cot and missed it as she bumped and fell onto the floor as she groaned “The bed has developed a fault.”

Nina and Inej burst into giggles at Lily’s silliness as Lily sat up and ran her hand through her hair and shot a grin at Inej and Nina who grinned brightly at Lily liking her immediately as she got up. “I love it. Do you have rooms here too? What do you do for Mr. Brekker?”

“Oh yes. Well, I’m the Wraith, his spy of all secrets and Nina is a heartrender and undercover expert who can speak many languages and flirt with anyone and anything.” said Inej with a sweet smile as she introduced themselves to Lily “Jesper is the sharpshooter, Wylan is our demolitions expert and Matthias is our strength.”

“Wow. That’s amazing.” said Lily taken aback by the collection of unique skills that all of them had and felt a little left out that she had nothing special to offer them but then she realized that it was better that way. She didn’t want to get into danger. Lily looked at Inej in interest and intrigue as her lips quirked into a curious smile “Inej... the Wraith, are you the one who has been following us all this time?”

Inej was surprised at that question because nobody apart from Kaz had been able to sense her presence when she shadowed them as her eyes widened in surprise and she answered “Yes. I - Kaz told me to look out for you. How did you know I was there?”

“I just could feel you with me, I suppose. I’ve always been used to been with my sisters.... that when you started following me, I felt an unfamiliar presence with us.” said Lily honestly and truthfully as she looked at Inej who seemed kind and meant no harm to her. She was pondering on the fact that Kaz had sent the Wraith to follow her and her sisters and wondered why.

“We’re thrilled to have you with us!” said Nina in excitement as she helped Lily settle in “I mean three more girls with us! We’re going to have such a great time shopping and eating waffles and going out partying!”

“I haven’t gone out shopping in Ketterdam yet.” confessed Lily with a small smile as she felt Nina’s contagious excitement catch onto her. 

“Are you serious? Not to worry! Inej and I will take you, Isabelle and Dora right now!” exclaimed Nina happily as she clung onto Lily’s arm as Inej grinned with a nod “I know some great spots for some entirely fun dresses and lovely clothes.”

“And besides Kaz has already given us the money to get you clothes appropriate for tomorrow’s show and your stay with us.” said Inej with a twinkle in her eyes as Isabelle and Dora appeared at her doorway. 

“Well, if you aren’t busy -” began Isabelle but she was excited. 

“Of course not! We have nothing to do now!” exclaimed Inej with a laugh as she smiled at Isabelle who chuckled and Dora giggled when Isabelle scooped her up in her arms. 

The girls went downstairs as they made it through the Slat and walked outside where Kaz, Wylan, Matthias and Jesper were waiting for them. 

“You’re five minutes late.” remarked Kaz crisply looking at his pocketwatch. 

“I had no idea you were so interested in dress shopping, Mr. Brekker.” remarked Lily airily, her lips twitching slightly as her eyes danced with lively humor. 

Jesper snorted and Wylan grinned as Matthias laughed as he hugged Nina but Kaz shot a sharp glare at Lily who seemed to be unfazed as he replied coldly “I have business to conduct in town.”

Kaz motioned for them to get going and Jesper began chattering non stop along with Nina and Isabelle and the rest of the Crows as they strolled down the streets. Lily wished she could fit in easily as Isabelle did as she listened to her sister chat easily and charmingly keeping up with Jesper, Wylan, Inej, Nina, and Matthias while Dora pointed and played around with the Crows who kept a sharp eye on her.  She expected them to talk about criminal things but to her amusement, they were bantering about how they would love to be proposed. Lily listened in interest and amusement but worries weighed heavily on her head about their futures. How much money would they earn? Would it be enough for all of them to survive? Had she made the right decision in trusting Mr. Brekker to employ them? 

Lily listened to them as she walked in silence beside Kaz as Nina described her dream proposal “I’d want a grandest, most magnificent, heartfelt proposal in front of everyone. Matthias, take notes.”

Lily laughed along with everyone as Matthias blushed as she listened to Inej describe a sweet and simple way to propose and then Wylan looked over at Lily who was listening but observing the shops “What about you, Lily?”

Isabelle grinned knowingly “This one won’t get married.”

Lily threw an exasperated look at Isabelle  “Shut up, Isabelle!”

“You know, there is a difference between being an independent woman and a spinster.” replied Isabelle with a playful laugh as she grinned at Lily who was never really interested in marriage. 

“Is it the hair?” asked Lily with plenty of good humor lacing her voice as she grinned at her sister while the Crows laughed. 

“But tell us! Come on, Lily!” persisted Inej as she looked at the girl with voice of an angel as she smiled at her “How would you like to be proposed?”

Lily did not see Kaz’ attention on her as his gaze shifted towards her as she realized there was no getting out of this as she replied “To be honest, I’d like it to be just us. Somewhere only where we know. Something meaningful and sweet to both of us. And it would probably be in the evening when the sun had set and the stars are out where he tell me the truth of his heart instead of fancy words and flowers....” 

Lily suddenly cleared her throat realizing that she had shared too much of her dreams with these strangers and shrugged “Um... but that’s just not going to happen.”

“Why not?” asked Matthias curiously because that proposal sounded lovely. 

“Uh - because I don’t have anyone in my life who will propose to me.” confessed Lily with an amused laugh at the thought of anyone proposing to her as she snapped back to reality not seeing Kaz look at her reflectively.

“We must set you up with someone then.” said Jesper as he clapped his hands happily “You’re beautiful, you have an angelic voice and I’m certain plenty of men want to be with you.”

“No thank you.” refused Lily politely with an expression of horror as Isabelle laughed in amusement thinking of all the times her sister had run away from all those country dances refusing boys who tried to asked her to dance with her. Their mother would despair and scold Lily who loved dancing but there were certain men who she hated dancing with so she would often refuse them and make a bad impression on them bringing despair on their mother who tried her best to teach her daughters manners and etiquette while their father would just laugh in amusement at their shenanigans. 

Kaz glanced at Lily who was laughing along at Jesper’s detailed story of how he would like to be proposed as he winked at Wylan who shook his head lovingly at his boyfriend. Kaz hadn’t given much thought to romantic proposals because to be honest such trivial matters had not crossed his mind because he was busy with scheming and planning heists. Kaz didn’t have anyone in his life nor did he think he would ever find anyone to care for. In the Barrel, caring was a weakness that was easily exploited.

But listening to Lily’s idea for the proposal was surprisingly intimate. Meaningful. Quiet and peaceful. Something idealistic and romantic found in the pages of a fairytale but yet something that was true and sincere stripped of pretense and grandeur. A love that did not want for anything except the simple truth and comforting company of the other piece of her heart. Something that felt like home. 

“So what do you want us to sing tomorrow?” inquired Lily as she looked at Kaz who was quiet and never spoke a word. If they were going to sing at the Crow Club under his employment, she wanted to know what his requirements were. 

“Songs that are entertaining and lively. Something that thrills and distracts the audience from their wretched lives and keeps them glued to the seats.” said Kaz simply because as long as the people stayed transfixed on the Muses, he would get more money “Tomorrow is your first official performance so I want it to be something that is absolutely memorable and unforgettable that it will get everyone else to come to the Crow Club.” 

Kaz already had enough customers at the Crow Club but more kruge emptied from the pockets of the greedy pigeons couldn’t hurt him. He was already doing the numbers in his head. The Muses were quite a rising act, a popular musical act in Ketterdam and he had taken them in before anyone else could get their hands on them. Kaz Brekker had already given Nina and Jesper and a few of his most talkative Dregs the task of spreading the word of mouth that the Muses were going to be performing in the Crow Club and he could feel the excitement spreading in Ketterdam. He had even made tickets for those who specially wanted to watch the Muses sing. Tomorrow would be opening night and Kaz needed everything to be perfect. 

“I’ve already taken up the task of setting up the stage, a band, security and lights for you. You’ll show up for rehearsals tomorrow morning and perform tomorrow night and perform for three hours.” said Kaz briskly in a business like manner as Lily listened feeling quite nervous as it dawned upon her that this was a proper, official show, not one of the shows they did on the street “Nina and Inej will help you with dresses and make up. Is there anything else I’ve missed?”

“Water.” croaked Lily as she felt her hands sweat at the thought of performing to  a large number of people at the Crow Club. Playing on the streets for their crowds was different because they weren’t bound by rules or restrictions of Kaz Brekker and there wasn’t such a huge weight of responsibility placed upon them. But Lily was realizing that it was not just going to be a normal performance, it was going to be a huge concert where all the eyes were going to be on them. 

Lily breathed in. Just concentrate on the singing. Everything else will be fine. 

Kaz was confused “Water?”

“We’ll be singing for three hours, Mr. Brekker. Do you really expect our throats to be magically sing beautifully?” asked Lily sarcastically absolutely exasperated with this boy who had no basic idea of singing as she rolled her eyes at him “Water is important because it improves our vocal articulation and clarity when we sing.” 

Kaz realized that she did make sense as he nodded “Fine. You’ll have water bottles.”

Nina’s squeal bought them out of their conversation as they realized that they were at the shopping mall and Lily nodded at Kaz “Good luck with whatever business you are conducting.”

“Good luck with shopping.” replied Kaz rolling his eyes at Lily who raised her eyebrows at him wondering whether he was being humorous. 

But Lily didn’t dwell on that much as they decided to shop for dresses for their performance first. Nina was in charge of their dresses and she fussed over Dora, Isabelle and Lily who changed into different outfits and dresses as they went into the fitting room and came out. 

Isabelle looked at the tight collar as she tugged on it complainingly “It’s choking me. I can’t breathe in this dress!”

“I can’t move in this.” complained Dora who tried to walk but tumbled over and fell flat on her face. 

“I - It doesn’t feel like me.” replied Lily quietly as she tried to kick the skirt of the dress which almost ripped. “How can we sing in these?”

Inej laughed merrily at the complaints of the girls who were huffing at the dresses while Nina wheeled over a completely new rack of dresses for them to try on. Nina and Inej flitted and flew around the girls who gave them the ideas of what they wanted in the dresses as Isabelle, Dora and Lily tried on almost every dress in the store as they paraded and showed off their outfits to a cheering Nina and approving Inej. Lily could feel herself enjoying this as she twirled in a pretty red dress that was easy to move in and breathe. The five girls started to dance around every time they changed into a new dress and strutted. When Nina insisted on high heels, Lily, Dora and Isabelle refused going for more stylish boots that were more practical as they could jump around and move on stage without falling. 

Then the moment Lily thought that their dress shopping had finished, Nina clapped her hands for the assistant to wheel in the next outfits they would wear when they weren’t singing. Lily groaned and fell dramatically onto a sofa nearby making Inej laugh and pat her head comfortingly. She wanted to rest so while Inej began to run her fingers through Lily’s hair and braid it loosely, Dora picked the sweetest frocks, prettiest skirts, sensible pants and blouses and shoes under Lily’s watchful eye and Nina’s cooing. Isabelle opted for a more sexier yet comfortable outfits from blouses that showed a little bit cleavage to dark pants and pretty skirts. 

As Isabelle and Nina were going through outfits enthusiastically, Lily felt quite comfortable with the Suli girl Inej who had a presence that was calming as she asked “So are you nervous for tomorrow night?”

“Yes. We’ve performed on the streets but this is different.” said Lily as she crossed her legs, twisting her fingers nervously. “What if we mess up?”

“You won’t. I’ve seen you sing.” said Inej comfortingly “I’ve never seen anything like you three. You really are mesmerizing and beautiful singers.”

Lily smiled at the compliment but she bit her lip nervously and Inej said “Kaz wouldn’t have hired you if you weren’t amazing.”

“How do you know Mr. Brekker?” asked Lily quietly wanting to take her mind of the oncoming performance that had her stomach in a flux.

Inej chuckled at how formal Lily was as she replied after a few moments “Kaz saved me from the cruel captivity of Menagerie run by Tante Heleen where men use women’s bodies to please them and then dispose them when they are done.”

Lily was horrified that Inej, sweet and lovely Inej had gone through such a horrendous life. She couldn’t find the words to describe the hatred for the men that had hurt Inej as she turned around to look at Inej in shock, amazed that even after all the pain, loneliness and suffering, she was still kind. Lily was certain that if she had been in Inej’ position, she would have given up on life a long time ago but yet here was the girl who had daggers in her hands and a kind glint in her lovely eyes ready to fight with purpose. 

Lily’s admiration for Inej grew tremendously as she stared at her while Inej said “Kaz gave me a place with the Dregs. He saw something in me back then that I did not see. He is cold and closed off thief but he will always keep to a deal he strikes with you. He’s not the best at expressing emotions but he has been a good friend to all of us.”

Lily didn’t know what to say. She wanted to say that she was sorry that Inej had gone through so much of bad things but what would that fix? Instead she settled for a small smile as she tentatively asked for silent permission to hold Inej’s hand to which Inej who was surprised nodded quietly as Lily’s hand softly curled around Inej’s hand and squeezed it gently as a gesture of friendship. Lily hoped that Inej would understand that Lily wanted to be her friend and wanted to be there for her. 

They sat there for a few moments when Isabelle interrupted them as she pushed Lily to try on her normal clothes. Lily was dragged by Isabelle and Nina who showed her clothes of different colors and various designs and Inej and Dora decided to join them as they remarked on what would be nice for Lily. Lily’s tastes were more sensible, girlish and comfortable and Nina and Inej who soon understood that bought out clothes that fit her style. Lily thoroughly enjoyed trying floral dresses, bright coats, silk blouses, elegant skirts and nice comfortable pants. 

Nina, Dora, Isabelle and Inej were finally purchasing all the clothes they had bought for the girls while Lily who had really liked one outfit wanted to wear it. So while Lily was in the changing room, Kaz Brekker came marching in with Wylan, Jesper and Matthias who greeted them enthusiastically. Kaz eyed the amount of clothes that were purchased and shot Nina and Inej a slightly displeased glare that both girls shrugged off. 

But then Kaz noticed that Lily was missing as he asked “Nina, Inej, where is Lily?”

“Oh, she’s trying outfit number 7894.” said Inej casually who loved Lily’s taste in clothes and loved the outfit that she was currently trying on. Kaz shot Nina and Inej an exasperated glare wondering why they had to take so long with clothes. They were just dresses!

At that very moment Lily stepped out of the changing room as she adjusted her dark black coat over her white long sleeved shirt tucked into dark blue pants as she looked at the the Crows with a quizzical smile. 

For a moment, the thought that she was pretty crossed Kaz’ mind but he shot a look Nina who was grinning approvingly at Lily as he said “Nina dear, the point was to make her look less distracting.”

Kaz then saw a black hat and took it as he handed it to Lily who took it from him ignoring all the Crows grins. She put on the dark black hat as they followed Kaz out of the store. 

“Have you decided yet what you will sing?” asked Wylan curiously. 

“Um - we have a slight idea since Mr. Brekker told me what he wants.” said Lily fiddling with her fingers nervously and then decided to tuck her hands into her pockets. Lily looked at Kaz who was ahead of them. 

“Kaz has already gotten proper dancers. He thinks it will be a good idea if you three could choreograph dances to your songs too.” said Jesper as he looked at the three girls who exchanged amused looks at the ridiculous idea. “He thinks it will allure and entice the audience.”

“We are terrible, terrible dancers.” laughed Dora in amusement as Lily and Isabelle chuckled in agreement. When it came to a waltz or a proper ballroom dance, Isabelle and Lily were very good at it but choreographed dancing sounded horrible to them because they preferred to dance freely as they made up their own moves to the beat of the music. For them, choreographed dancing seemed to be restricting whereas they loved to dance in their own happy manner. 

“I don’t think we’ll be good at choreographed dancing, Jesper.” said Isabelle honestly with a grin “Trust me, the audience will be more enticed and allured if we didn’t dance according to the choreography.”

“Even if we practice, we’ll forget the moves and mess it up in the moment.” replied Lily with a warm smile as her eyes twinkled knowingly “Trust us on this.”

“We do trust you. But Kaz thinks -”

“Mr. Brekker will thank us for not dancing according to choreography.” said Lily warmly but there was a hint of frostiness that dictated she was not changing her stance on dancing. “The backup dancers can make up for our lack of choreographed dancing.”

 Jesper was about to argue but Inej cut in “Well that’s that, then. It’s their show, Jesper. They should have a choice as to how they do it. If they are uncomfortable with dancing, they shouldn’t do it.”

Lily shot a grateful smile at Inej who smiled at her and Wylan interjected “We’re getting the stage ready for you. I’m making it as grand and magnificent as possible. I’m talking smoke machines and glitter and confetti cannons and beautiful spotlights and fire machines -”

“Oh wow!” gasped Isabelle as she looked in amazement at Wylan who was describing in enthusiasm “You’re astonishing! It all sounds so - awesome!”

Dora squealed “I can’t believe it!” 

Lily was now feeling a bit more squeamish because this sounded bigger and grander than anything she had performed in and Matthias who had noticed the older girl’s pale quiet countenance asked “Is this your first time performing in such a platform?”

Lily nodded wishing she could really feel the excitement that Isabelle and Dora was feeling but she was leaning more to nervousness as Matthias said kindly “It’s completely fine to be nervous for such a life changing event. It means you care a great deal about what you are doing.”

Lily felt a little bit better and comforted as she smiled at Matthias who continued “And we’ll all be there tomorrow night for you.”

Lily looked around at the Crows because she figured they would be doing other things like robbing and looting and shooting people as she asked “Really?”

“Of course! Tomorrow is such a big night! We are all going to be there for you!” exclaimed Nina as excitement glittered in her eyes and Lily felt much more encouraged knowing that there would be familiar faces in the audience. 

“Tomorrow night is already the talk of Ketterdam! Everyone is excited and thrilled to watch you perform! You’re the newest star sensation in Ketterdam!” gushed Jesper as he looked at Isabelle, Dora and Lily who felt amazed, shocked and nervous at the news “We will never miss the concert!”

“No pressure then.” murmured Lily to Isabelle who just grinned as she slung her arm over Lily. 

“Take it one moment at a time, Lils.” replied Isabelle with a laugh “We’re going to make it!”

Taglist: - 

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[thedragonemperess]

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C-A-R-L: A Julie and the Phantoms fic based on what Bobby/Trevor does after the boys die.

A Magical Fanny Pack? More Likely Than You Think: A Julie and the Phantoms fic based on the the idea that Alex’s fanny pack is like Marry Poppins’ bag.

If The World Was Crumbling: A ScarletStrange fic following Stephen’s thought process after Endgame.

I Saved Your Life!: A Lab Rats/Mighty Med AU where Elite Force never happened. The Bionic Quad splits up to run their own times while Kaz and Oliver become superheroes.

Questions: A Julie and the Phantoms drabble based on the idea of some angst behind the line “When you die, you think you’ll get all these answers, but instead we just have more questions.”

My Life Is Like A Video Game (Trying Not To Go Insane): “A person’s superpowers emerge during- and relate to- a highly stressful moment in their life. Your brother nearly drowned, and as a result could shape water to his will. A classmate fell from a high balcony, and ended up learning to fly. You? You just got your powers last night.”

I Was Getting Kind Of Used To Being Someone You Loved: “I’m currently thinking about Willex plus the quote “How lucky i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?”

The Years Start Coming And They Don’t Stop Coming: “Luke's gonna have to watch Julie grow up and obtain new romantic partners, while stays the same and is ultimately left behind.”

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They Don’t Deserve This: “Marie, you get 25 years in the black room where Alex cried.”

What Really Happens At Target: “You’re late.” “I’m sorry, I could have been on time but I didn’t want to.

Miss Minutes: Miss Minutes is the Duolingo Bird of the TVA.

A Job On The Other Side: An AU where Julie gets a job at the HGC instead of the boys losing their stamps. While Luke comes up with a break-out plan, Julie finds out that Caleb isn't what he makes himself out to be.

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Made For Each Other: "How about a fluffy Plankton meets Karen story?"

MAR10: Bucky found out that his birthday and Mario Day fall on the same day and is making that everyone else's problem. (Well, actually, everyone else is pretty on board with it, he's only making it Sam's problem.)

Madmen & Dictators: That's where the 'unfortunately' part of 'semi-unfortunately' comes in. After being used for so long, that's the only way you can see yourself: A tool in someone else's box.

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Otis: A drabble explaining Marcus' first reaction to Otis.

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Seeing Pink: Flynn has complicated feelings towards the color pink. On one hand, it's a pretty color. On the other hand, it holds vile memories. Written in the form of journal entries.

Take Me or Leave Me: Vega (Vincent), a singer Overlord who has consistently been pestered by Vox to join the Vees, is once again approached by him with the same offer. However, there's a new pre-tense: The Vees are planning something big, and Vox doesn't want them to get caught in the crossfire. For the first time, Vega genuinely considers his offer, but someone else steps in to stir the pot: Vera, a woman who Valentino so hatefully refers to as "Vox's bitch."

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[no-mourners-at-my-funeral]

Careful - One Shot

Summary: Why did she even care? She told herself it was because her reputation relied on him. As long as Kaz Brekker was considered dangerous, his little spy would be feared as well. And fear was the surest form of respect. Without him, she could very well end up back where she started, or maybe somewhere worse. But it was more than that. She didn’t want him to die because… because…

Pairing: Kanej (Kaz Brekker & Inej Ghafa)

Warnings: Violence, Implied PTSD

Author’s Note: This is my submission for @weeklygrishaprompts​‘s Week 1 challenge. The prompt was to have a torn piece of clothing, counting down from ten, and hiding under a bed or in a closet. I hope I got this part right, at least. I notice that in the books, it’s always Kaz freaking out when Inej is injured, so I decided to reverse that, so now Inej is freaking out while Kaz is injured. Enjoy!

ALSO AVAILABLE ON AO3.

Careful

There was an itch on Inej’s foot.

She had been hiding under the bed for the better part of an hour. Laying under her back, barely breathing as she listened to the conversation going on around her. If anyone found her here, she could be killed for breaking parlay conduct. Kaz could very well suffer the same fate.

“You’re in too deep, Brekker,” the Razorgull leader, Oller, was saying. He had a quiet voice, product of a throat injury that had happened when he was young. But listen to him, he still sounded so much more mature than the boy he was dealing with. “My advice? Find a nice job in the country. Something that will keep you off of your feet.” Inej imagined the older man giving a pointed glance to Kaz’s bad leg.

To his credit, Kaz didn’t seem to react to Oller’s taunts, if they could even be called that. “Oller, we both know that isn’t going to happen,” he replied smoothly. “And definitely not while your gang is poking their noses where they shouldn’t be.”

“Poking our noses where they shouldn’t be?” Oller gave a wheezy chuckle. “Oh, I wholeheartedly disagree. We have every right to be involved in your little schemes. You think no one will notice, but I see you. You’re a smart kid, really Brekker, and I have to applaud you for that.”

A rat scuttled behind Inej’s head, and she bit her lip. The Drekig Hotel was utterly filthy, inside and out, infested with rats and all manor of deplorable creatures. But it was also neutral territory, a good place to meet when you wanted to make less-than-legal dealings in secrecy. Gang bosses would often meet here when they didn’t want prying ears listening in on their conversations, when they didn’t much desire the fanfare of the Exchange.

Currently, Kaz and Oller were sitting at a small, flimsy little wooden table in the corner of the hotel room. From where she was laying under the bed, Inej could see their feet - Oller’s toes twitching whenever Kaz spoke, as if he was having to restrain himself from punching the younger man in the face. Inej knew the feeling. And Kaz’s feet, utterly relaxed, bad leg stretched out at a comfortable angle, cane leaning against the wall beside him. Thoroughly relaxed.

She knew that Kaz would be keeping a calm composure, but she also knew that internally, he was probably seething in frustration. He had been going in circles with Oller for the better part of an hour now, with little success. At least he had managed to get Oller to admit that he was attempting to spy on the Dregs (or their private coffers, more than likely), but even that felt like a meaningless victory.

“It’s not a matter of every right , Oller,” Kaz was saying. “Saying you have a right to something implies that there might be some good in this world to ensure that right. Maybe that was how it was in the old times, but well, that’s why they’re called the old times.”

Oller’s foot flexed. His composure was cracking, bit by bit. Like the tide hammering away at a stone wall. Eventually, the tide would win. “Well, Mister Brekker,” the older man replied, “I must admit, you are a brilliant one. Could’ve made a beautiful contribution to the Razorgulls. Almost makes me sad about what I have to do next.”

Inej’s eyes widened. She realized what was going to happen a second before it did. Before she could even hear a reaction from Kaz, she had slid out from under the bed in one fluid movement. She jumped to her feet just as the door swung inwards, revealing a group of Razorgull lieutenants, crammed into the small hallway.

Oller let out a brief choking sound at the sight of her in the hotel room before recovering from the shock. He turned to his soldiers. “Well?” he hissed. “What are you waiting for?”

There was no time to plan anything. She exchanged a glance with Kaz, and he gave her a small nod.

The room was small, and Inej hated fighting in the enclosed space. She had pulled out two of her knives - Sankta Alina and Sankt Petyr - and was moving as gracefully as she could with the area she had. A Razorgull pulled a knife on her, and she ducked down, slashing at the exposed skin on the back of his ankle. He let out a yelp as blood spurted from the spot. She came up behind him, giving him a good whack over the head, and he fell over.

The fight felt like a dance, like a routine she might have performed on the trapeze, once upon a time. The Razorgulls had no grace to them, but they were all several times larger than her, and they were strong, and quite a few of them had guns. She could only spare Kaz a few glances, but he was holding his own. She had to trust that they could both do this.

She saw a Razorgull raising his gun before Kaz did, and lunged forward, jabbing Sankt Petyr into the man's throat. He choked, and Inej cringed. She hadn’t meant to kill him. But then he was falling to the ground.

She didn’t see his finger curling around the trigger until it was too late. A gunshot rang through the room, and she let out a gasp, bracing for the pain. But none came.

And then she turned, and saw Kaz, blood already staining his black vest. Dimly, she was aware that the Razorgulls were retreating, their job seemingly complete, but she couldn’t concentrate on that through the ringing in her ears. Kaz was glancing down at his wound, eyebrow raised, as if he hadn’t realized he was even capable of being injured. Inej hadn’t thought he could, either, she realized.

She came to her senses as the last Razorgull ran down the hallway. She threw one of her knives, and it stuck into his back, and the man collapsed. For once, she didn’t stop to say a prayer to her saints for the man’s life. She was already moving towards Kaz.

“We need to get you to the Slat,” she said, moving a hand to Kaz’s wound. He swatted her hand away.

“Don’t touch me,” he hissed, but his voice was shaking, and he already looked paler than normal.

“You aren’t going to make it back if you don’t put pressure on that,” Inej tried. Kaz gave her a stormy look, before pressing a gloved hand against the spot. “And we need to get you back to the Slat. Or to Nina.”

Kaz shook his head. “No,” he gasped. “There’s a safehouse a couple blocks away. It’s closer.” And it’s away from prying eyes , is what he didn’t say, but he didn’t have to. Inej understood what it meant to appear weak in front of others. Do that, and they might always think of you that way. And Kaz couldn’t live with the humiliation.

Inej nodded. “Okay,” she agreed. “We’ll go there.”

Kaz attempted to take a step forward and let out a small noise that reminded Inej of an injured bird. His hand clenched over his wound. And Inej moved forward again, placing her hand on his side.

“I said don’t touch me,” Kaz growled, but his voice was weak, without its usual ferocity.

“You won’t make it to the safehouse on your own, Kaz,” Inej reasoned. “You have to let me help you.” At Kaz’s pointed glare, she added, “Which would you rather have survive, your pride or your body?”

She could see he was debating with yourself. “Another Suli proverb?” he muttered under his breath, before giving her a tight nod. She moved so that he could lean against her side, as Kaz gripped his cane with his other hand. They made slow progress through the hotel, past the fallen Razorgull in the hallway and down the creaky wooden stairs. They took the back exit out, avoiding the crowds on the street out front.

And so they made their way through alleyways. Kaz would let a hiss when his wound was particularly agitated. Inej could help but notice how much he was leaning on her, increasing the pit of worry in her stomach. Their skin wasn’t touching, but his skin was warm in the spots under the fabric of his clothes.

Why did she even care? She told herself it was because her reputation relied on him. As long as Kaz Brekker was considered dangerous, his little spy would be feared as well. And fear was the surest form of respect. Without him, she could very well end up back where she started, or maybe somewhere worse. But it was more than that. She didn’t want him to die because… because…

The safehouse Kaz had referred to was a small back door in a sweet shop that led down into a basement. The place was coated in a heavy layer of dust, and the scent of rotting produce made Inej wrinkle her nose. After a brutal hurricane had hit Ketterdam about a decade back, many businesses had chosen to move their products from storage areas in basements to private banks. It left plenty of empty spaces, cracks for people to slip through.

Kaz slumped down against one of the walls, gesturing to a box in the opposite corner that seemed considerably less dusty. “There’s a first aid kit in there,” he told her, and she didn’t like how weak his voice sounded. “It should have some bandages inside.”

“Alright,” Inej said, darting over to the other side of the room. Opening the crate, she saw an assortment of guns, knives, and some canned goods. And in the very bottom, a small metal box with the symbol for healing painted on it in red ink. Picking up the box, Inej quickly moved back to where Kaz was sitting.

Inside the box were a couple towels, some bandages, and a small bottle of iodine. Inej gave Kaz a meaningful glance. “You’re going to have to take off your shirt,” Inej told him.

Kaz shot her an icy glare. “I can do it myself.”

“No, you can’t. Your hands are shaking,” Inej pointed out. Kaz looked about ready to murder her right then and there, but he moved to pull off his vest before wincing.

“Let me help you,” Inej said. It was hauntingly familiar to her first words to him, but she didn’t dwell on it. Kaz seemed disgruntled, but he didn’t protest as she gently helped him pull his blood stained vest over his head, only letting out a few grunts when he agitated his wound.

Once the vest was off, Inej could see that Kaz’s button-up shirt was stained with bright red blood, and there was a large tear where the gunshot was. “Can you unbutton your shirt?” she asked, and he nodded. She turned her attention to the washcloth, dousing it in a healthy splash of iodine.

When she turned back to him, the torn shirt had been discarded on the floor next to him. His chest was bare, and her eye flicked once to the tattoo on his bicep - a capital “R” - before she returned her focus to his injury. “The bullet didn’t go through,” she observed. “Can you feel in there?”

Kaz grimaced, before nodding. “Yeah.”

Inej sighed. “I’m going to pull it out,” Inej told him, grabbing the iodine bottle. Kaz’s eyes widened.

“No,” he choked out. “I’ll do it.”

Kaz,” Inej reasoned, “you’ll only injure yourself if you try to do that in this state.” Kaz pursed his lips. “ Kaz . You have to let me help you.”

Kaz dug his gloved fingers into his palms. For a moment, Inej was afraid he might refuse. How well did they know each other, really? They fought together, sure, and everyone felt a little bit closer after that. But virtually, she knew nothing about him. Not about his family, and what he liked to do. About what made him smile, really smile. But she did know that he didn’t want to die here, in a dusty basement, when he could live to fight another day.

He nodded, and Inej found herself letting out a sigh of relief. “Be quick,” he told her.

Inej poured some iodine on her hands, in the absence of proper sanitary options. It would probably sting incredibly for Kaz, but it would hurt a lot more when she pulled that bullet out. She handed him one of the washcloths still in the first aid kit. “Bite down on this,” she instructed him. There wasn’t a lot more she could do.

She took in a deep breath. She was stalling, and she knew it. “I’m going to count down from ten,” she told him, “and then I’m going to take out the bullet.” He gave her a curt nod, and she forced herself to breath. It wouldn’t do either of them any good if she panicked now.

“Ten.” She steadied herself, flexing her hands.

“Nine.” She would have to be quick. She knew the longer she messed with the wound, the more chance she would cause further damage.

“Eight.” Kaz’s eyes were squeezed shut, and he was breathing heavily.

“Seven.” This was just like when she would any other wounded Dreg.

“Six.” Except it was Kaz, and if he died…

“Five.” Well, then things would be considerably different for her.

“Four.” She heard Kaz take another deep breath, and she took another one to match him.

“Three.” She braced her right hand against his shoulder, and he flinched, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter.

“Two.” She didn’t move her hand, but she gave him a comforting squeeze.

“One.”

She didn’t hesitate before moving her hand to the wound. Kaz was trembling under her right hand, but she forced herself to stay steady. He didn’t scream or cry, but the silence felt almost worse.

There . Her thumb and pointer finger found the small bullet, and she pulled it out as delicately as she could before tossing it on the floor with a small ping . As soon as she was no longer touching Kaz, he seemed to visibly relax, and she allowed herself to take a few gasping breaths. The worst of it was over.

Kaz spit out the washcloth, and Inej silently handed him one of the ones she had soaked in iodine. He dabbed at the wound with it. “Put more pressure on it,” Inej advised him, and he did.

No thank you. No acknowledgement of what she had done. But when he looked up at her, their eyes met, and somehow, that said more than a thank you ever could.

[fics-n-stuff]

Home

Pairing: Kaz Brekker × Reader

Summary: Y/N and Kaz were once childhood friends, later reunited in the Barrel. After a business dealing went awry, Y/N has been in hiding for almost a year and the time apart has brought up a lot of feelings for Kaz.

Word Count: 4.2k

Warnings: touch aversion, alcohol consumption

A/N: I haven't actually read SoC yet but I have done my research so I really hope I wrote Kaz accurately enough 🤞🏽 Let me know!! I left the reader gender neutral so all parties can enjoy 😁

Update: Pt 2 here!

You stared out of the window, watching the nightlife of the Barrel in full swing below you. It had been almost a year since you had been able to be a part of it all and, even though you had lived in Ketterdam all your life, you felt like an outsider now.

There was a knock on the door and you froze, head tilting to listen out for any threat. After a moment there was another knock, loud and heavy – certainly not the result of somebody’s knuckle hitting the wood. With a sigh, you stood up from the window ledge and crossed the room to the door.

Kaz was waiting on the other side, looking unamused as ever, and you waved him inside quickly and hurriedly shut the door behind him.

“I am one of three people that knock on your door, Y/N.” He said flatly, removing his hat and placing it atop your desk.

“I can’t be too careful, never know when someone might come sniffing around here.” You replied with a shrug. Kaz hummed shortly in acknowledgment before producing a small stack of envelopes from his coat. You snatched them from him eagerly, but careful to ensure that your fingers made no contact with his gloved ones.

“I’m getting tired of being your courier.”

“Well, I’m getting tired of being in hiding.” You huffed, leafing through your letters. “But I’d rather not walk around in a city where I’m actively being hunted.”

“You shouldn’t have gotten caught then.” Your head snapped towards Kaz at that, and you raised your eyebrows challengingly.

“I should slap you for that.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Kaz’s face remained largely unchanged but you could see the shine of amusement in his eyes.

You had first met Kaz as a child, while visiting family in the village where his family lived. He was a sweet child, and you had struck up a fast friendship in the few months you spent there. You had even written letters back and forth for a couple of years until one time you never got a reply.

When you met again years later, entirely by chance, Kaz was a changed person. Your family’s fortune had taken a steep downturn and you found yourself alone, living in a tiny room in a boarding house in the Barrel, when Kaz came across you pickpocketing outside the Crow Club. He had recognised you, but you hadn’t recognised him at first. Everything about him was so departed from the sweet boy that you had known as a child.

He refused to tell you what had happened to change him in this way. He never gave you a cause for the ruthless person he had become to climb the ranks of the Dregs and earn the name Dirtyhands, never even told you what had brought him to Ketterdam at all other than that his father had died. He never pushed you away though. Kept you at arms length, yes, but he never tried to dissuade you from sticking around.

The longer you knew him the more you realised that he wasn’t as cold as his demeanour portrayed. He was fiercely loyal, you could see it in the way that he was with his Crows, and you were certain that he would do anything to protect those he cared about most. You admired that about him.

“You don’t have to come, you know. You could send Inej with my letters, she already delivers me food.” You said, turning away at the realisation that you had been looking at each other in silence for a few seconds too long. You went to sit down, picking up the envelope from the top of the pile and pulling up the wax seal. Kaz didn’t respond for a long while. You tried to read your letter but found yourself distracted with anticipation of what he would say, if he said anything at all.

“I commend your commitment to your business.” He said finally, and you smiled at the compliment. “Eleven months trapped in this apartment and you’re still keeping up with it all.”

“Being in hiding is no excuse to get lazy. If anything, it gives me more of a reason to keep on top of things. Work keeps me sane and keeps coin in my pocket.”

“And how long do you intend to keep conducting your business through letters and underlings?”

“For as long as I have to, Kaz. You know that.” You answered with a quiet sigh, setting down the letter that you definitely hadn’t been reading and turning your head to face him again. You saw his jaw tense and the grip on his cane tighten, but you didn’t know what it meant. You were worried that somehow you had done or said something to upset him.

You had learned, in the few years since your reunion, that sometimes even the most seemingly innocuous things could put Kaz in a black mood. You had caught on quickly to the way that he avoided touch at all costs, and adapted your behaviour accordingly. He had still never told you why being touched triggered such a strong reaction in him, but he knew that you would always respect that fact.

It didn’t matter to you what traumas Kaz had suffered to create these traits in him, only that you knew how to navigate being in his space without violating his boundaries, because deep down you knew that Kaz was the most important person in your life. He took you in and offered you support when you needed it, given you structure and taught you skills to survive without even necessitating that you use those skills to serve his gang, all because of the friendship that you had shared as children. It didn’t matter how heartless people said the Bastard of the Barrel was, you knew that Kaz cared; perhaps not in the same way that you had come to care for him, but he did care.

“Maybe you should go, I’m sure you have work of your own to do.” You mumbled, your eyes drifting downwards anxiously. “And anyway, I have letters to read.”

“I could protect you.” He blurted. His voice was a little louder than usual, his tone less flat, and your brow furrowed in confusion and curiosity. “We could. The Crows, and the Dregs.”

“I don’t need your protection.”

“But you’d have it.”

You turned fully in your chair, straddling it with one leg either side of the backrest, and leant your forearms on the top of it. There was something in Kaz’s eyes that you’d never seen before and, although you prided yourself on being able to tell how Kaz was feeling and what he might be thinking about, you couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Do you know something that I don’t?” You questioned.

“Of course not.”

“Do you suddenly not trust my ability to keep myself safe?”

“Nothing like that, Y/N.”

“Then what?” You rested your chin on your arms, looking up at him expectantly. He held your gaze, but you could see the cogs turning in his brain as he calculated his next sentence. You were preparing for an argument to start, so you certainly didn’t expect the words that came from him next.

“I’m concerned about how long you’ve been alone here.” He answered. You blinked.

“Concerned?” Your voice cracked a little with your surprise, and Kaz clenched his jaw as he averted his eyes from you.

“I just thought that maybe all this time on your own might have had some affect on you. And I... hold a certain sense of responsibility.” His voice never wavered or faltered, other than the one pause there was no suggestion in his speech that the words held any significance to him, but you could see the tension in his shoulders and the tight grip that he maintained on his cane.

You narrowed your eyes, taking a moment to examine his face and his demeanour. Everything about him was wound tight, like he was making a particularly tricky deal rather than talking to a friend – you hoped that he considered you a friend – and though he was looking in your general direction you noted his avoidance of eye contact.

“If I didn’t know better I’d think you were saying that you miss me, Mr Brekker.” You said, your mouth turning in a small smirk. You saw Kaz’s chest tighten as he silently took in a sharp breath, and you chuckled lightly. “I’m fine, Kaz. Inej visits often enough, and I’m happy to see you when you deliver my letters. I will say though, I miss drinking with your Crows.”

Truthfully, you did feel rather trapped in your tiny apartment. For almost a whole year your entire world had consisted of only three rooms, and even if you didn’t admit it you were going slightly mad. Not being able to leave was frustrating, and living your whole life in one room (because really, who spends that much of their day in the bathroom or kitchen?) made you feel like a caged animal.

He didn’t reply. He also didn’t move. You watched him, standing straight and stiff as ever in the middle of the room, for a few moments. Usually he would have said something or made a move to leave, so you knew that he was deep in thought about something. You slouched further down against the backrest of your chair.

“If you’re planning on sticking around then you should at least sit down.” You sighed. “I have some kvas, or whisky if you’d prefer.” Kaz shook his head no to the drink but made a move towards the window seat. You watched him cross the room and sit down, his grip remaining on his cane as he placed it between his knees. “What’s on your mind, Kaz?”

“It’s not important.”

“That can’t be true.”

“And why is that?” He questioned dully.

“Because you’re still here, with me, staring into space like you’re waiting for the wind to tell you a secret.” He looked at you then, and you could see a conflict swirling behind his eyes. You resisted the urge to furrow your brow in worry. He still didn’t say anything, and that didn’t do anything to ease your concern because Kaz Brekker was not often one to be at a loss for words. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes.” He murmured, his head nodding slightly.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” You asked softly. He looked into your eyes for a few seconds before turning his head away, clearly deciding not to answer. You were almost expecting him to get up and leave the apartment right then, remove himself from the uncomfortable situation like he had been known to do before, but he made no move to stand.

You stood instead, abruptly moving through to the tiny kitchen and pouring a glass of whisky for yourself. You took a long sip as you came back out into the living space, picking up a wooden staff on your way. You kept up your combat training while in hiding, though it wasn’t often that you got an opponent.

“Humour me, will you?” You smiled, spinning the staff in your hand and setting your drink down.

“There’s not much space in here.” Kaz commented.

“Then we’ll be careful. Get up and fight me, coward.” You goaded. He gave you an incredulous look but stood anyway, tossing his cane up and grabbing it at it’s middle as he came towards you. Your grin broadened, and you waited just until the was in your range before you swung at him.

Your staff collided with his cane, moved up just in time to block your attack, and he watched you with challenging amusement. You let him make the next attack, knocking his cane away when he swung it towards you.

You exchanged blows, each of you managing to block all of the other’s attacks but you were starting to corner him. It seemed like you were about to get the upper hand when he swiped his cane towards your middle, making you jump back, and before you could move to swing on him he had pushed the crow’s head handle into your chest, not so hard that it was painful but with enough force to knock you backwards.

You landed on the edge of your bed with a groan, letting the staff drop from your hand in defeat.

“No fair, your cane is basically an extension of your arm.” You grumbled. Kaz let out a short breath, the closest thing to a laugh that anyone could get from him.

“You picked the fight.” He shrugged, lowering his cane and righting it at his hip. “I could have told you that you wouldn’t win it.”

“Mean!” You exclaimed in exaggerated offense, sitting up. When you looked at Kaz his expression was soft, the worry behind his eyes seemingly eased, and you smiled. “I could beat you if it was hand to hand.”

“I don’t doubt that.” He replied, the almost compliment catching you by surprise once again.

It had been a while since you and Kaz had spent any significant amount of time together. He was a busy man, particularly so over the last few months it seemed, so other than his brief drop-ins to deliver your letters you hadn’t seen him. It was nice to have his company again, even if he was a little off.

“Do you remember those drawings of Ketterdam that I used to send you with my letters?” You questioned softly, tucking your knees up to your chest. “I used to walk around the city looking for spots to sketch. I’d spend hours sitting on the street with my pencils trying to get the picture perfect to show you what it was like. I think, now, you probably know the city better than I do.” You smiled wistfully, resting your head on your knees as you looked up at Kaz. You saw his Adam’s apple bob with a swallow.

“You miss it, don’t you?” He asked.

“Of course.”

“You could go out there, stop hiding. You know I would look out for you.”

“I can’t put that burden on you, Kaz.” You chuckled lightly. “Enough people want you dead already, you don’t need to be looking after me while I’m being actively hunted.”

“How long do you plan on staying locked in here then?”

“As long as it takes, we went through this earlier. I have a big deal coming up, with the money from that I’d be able to smooth over some edges and maybe I could come out of hiding in a few months.” You theorised. “I’d still have to watch over my shoulder all the time but it would be an improvement.” Kaz’s jaw tightened again, and he bristled with agitation.

You hugged your knees tighter, doubt and worry overcoming you. Was Kaz not okay with coming to see you here anymore? Was he trying to get you out of hiding to lighten the burden it had put on him, getting your letters delivered to the Crow Club and having to bring them to you? The thought of not being able to rely on his short visits was enough to fill your chest with a mixture of dread and guilt.

“Like I said before, you don’t have to keep coming if that’s the problem.” You added, hiding the dejection in your voice. “Inej can-"

“No.” He interrupted bluntly. You blinked, pressing your lips together in contemplation. Was he upset that Inej was bringing supplies for you? Or worse, had something happened to her? Was that what was bothering him so much tonight?

“Why not?”

“Because I-" He cut himself off. He took a step back as if regaining his balance, his gaze falling to the floor, and you watched him flex his fingers around his cane as he organised his words. “Do you remember how you got sick while you were visiting your family?”

“Kaz.” You murmured tentatively, craning your neck to try and get a better look at his face that was turned away from you. Kaz didn’t like to talk about the past. Even bringing up the letters that you sent each other had been pushing it, but for him to choose to talk about your childhood was something he had never done before. Still now, it looked like the mention of the past was making him nauseous as he moved to sit down in the window once again. Your curiosity was growing by the second.

“You got sick and you could hardly get out of bed for almost a fortnight.” He continued, dismissing your concern. “I went to visit you every day. I picked flowers for you to make you feel better, and your mother baked oatmeal cookies but I refused to have any unless you did because you weren’t eating enough.”

“I remember.” You nodded. “You never let my glass of water get empty. It was sweet. But why does it matter now?”

“I can’t... I can’t stop worrying about you. But unlike when we were kids, I can’t just walk up the street and check on you every day.”

You felt as if all the air had been knocked out of your lungs and for a second you genuinely wondered if you had made that up in your head. Kaz very rarely expressed any emotion – the mask he wore hardly ever slipped – but here he was telling you that he worried about you. For Kaz, that was practically him baring his soul for you to see.

“You don’t have to worry about me.” You said shakily. “I’ve been fine so far, haven’t I?”

“But what if you’re not fine for much longer? As long as you’re holed up here I can’t keep you safe, and I can’t come to check on you because if I come here too often people might notice. Honestly, it’s a miracle that they haven’t already.”

“I didn’t think you believed in miracles.” You mumbled. Kaz glanced up at you, and the vulnerability on his face was unlike anything you’d seen before. It struck you in the heart and made you feel a need to comfort him, to put him at ease. “I can take care of myself, Kaz. I promise."

He was silent for a moment, his gaze downcast once again, then he took a deep breath and spoke.

“I think I’ll take that drink now.”

You watched him for just a second before you got up, crossing over to your desk and picking up the glass of whiskey that you had left there. The glass was half full since you had admittedly poured a little too generously.

You held it out to Kaz, who reached for it without looking. Although you were careful to hold the glass at the very top, his gloved fingers still brushed slightly over yours as he took a hold of it. He immediately stiffened, and you were quick to pull your hand away, taking a step back to give him space. He downed the drink in one, his face scrunching just slightly at the burn it left in his throat as he set the glass down by his feet.

“I just want to be able to watch over you.” He said, his voice barely more than a whisper, and you could practically see how difficult it was for him to verbalise his feelings.

“I think... I understand what you mean, Kaz. But I’m safer staying here than being out there, even with the Dregs protecting me. You have to know that, right?”

Kaz pushed a peice of hair out of his face, his gloved hand smoothing over his head as he let out a long and quiet sigh. Finally, he looked up at you.

“I know.” He answered.

“I appreciate your concern though.” You smiled. “Honestly, I didn’t think you cared about me that much. Or, well, I knew you cared but I just didn’t think... nevermind.”

“You didn’t think what?” Kaz’s question made you pause, anxiety pooling in your chest as you contemplated coming clean about your feelings. You thought about lying, about keeping your secrets to yourself, but Kaz had been so sincere it only felt right to return his honesty. With a deep breath, you worked up the courage to finally tell him the truth.

“I didn’t think that you cared as much as I do.” You replied. The sentence hung in the air for a moment as you moved back to sit in your desk chair, heart pounding in your chest. “I’ve kind of found myself caring a lot, actually. I think it’s only fair, really. I mean, I kind of owe you my life and all so it makes sense that I care. That’s not to say that it’s sensible but it is at least understandable, I guess.”

You bit your lip to stop your rambling, dropping your head so that you didn’t have to look at Kaz. There was a long stretch of silence.

“I care more than I might show.” He spoke softly, much more softly than you think you’d ever heard his voice. When you looked up Kaz was gazing right back at you, your eyes locking and his stare going deep into your soul. He didn’t need to say more, that simple sentence and the look in his eyes were enough to tell you what he was confessing. A smile pulled at your lips.

“Be careful what you admit, Brekker, or I might think that you’re going soft.” You joked, and he shook his head lightly in amusement. You leaned forward with your elbows on your knees, letting go of the anxiety that had been coursing through you.

“I'm serious, Y/N."

“I know. You don’t make a habit of saying things that you don’t mean.” You nodded. You glanced up at the clock on your wall with a sigh. “You really should get going, it’s dangerous for us both for you to stay too long.”

“Yes, I suppose so.” He muttered.

He stood after a moment, his hand flexing over the crow’s head handle of his cane. You reached back to pick his hat up from the desk, and he held a hand out for it, but instead of passing it to him you placed atop your own head. It was too big, and you had to push it back on your head so it didn’t slide over your face.

“You know, I rather like you without the hat.” You smiled.

“Is that so?”

“Yep. I can see your face better this way so I can tell when your emotions manage to break through.” Kaz’s lips quirked upwards a little as he took the hat from your head and put it on his own. You jutted your lip out in an exaggerated pout and he let out a huff that seemed suspiciously close to a laugh.

“Do you have any letters you need me to send out?”

“No, not this time.”

“Alright, then I’ll be on my way.” He gave a quick nod and turned towards the door. He had only taken a couple of steps when you twisted in your chair and called after him .

“Kaz.” He stopped and turned back to you. “I’m doing what I can to get out of this apartment, I promise.”

“That’s not something that you owe me, Y/N. It’s your freedom and your safety. But I await the day that you come waltzing into the Crow Club ready to make Jesper lose all the coin in his pocket.” He replied lightly, making you smile. “And if you need anything then I’m here, all you have to do is ask.”

“Thank you, not just for this but for everything. Everything that you’ve given me since that night outside the Crow Club. I might be dead if it weren’t for you.” You let sentiment out freely, finally feeling able to show your heart to Kaz now that you knew that your affections weren’t one sided. His expression softened, and he seemed to contemplate something deeply, before he took a single step back towards you and held out one gloved hand.

You hesitated, unsure if he was initiating what you were thinking, but he maintained eye contact. He gave a small nod, a mix of permission and encouragement, and you tentatively reached for his outstretched hand.

Kaz took in a deep breath when your hand made contact with his, and you watched him carefully ready to pull your hand away. After a moment he released the breath, wrapping his fingers lightly around yours and running his thumb over your knuckles.

“You’re the closest thing to home that I have.” He croaked. “I didn’t want to lose that.”

“You won’t.” You affirmed. Kaz released your hand, and you found yourself missing the feeling of the leather glove. He took a small step back, trying to hide the shake in his breathing.

“I’ll come back soon, as soon as it’s safe to.”

“Okay.” You smiled. “I’ll see you then.”

Kaz left the apartment without another word between you, he paused before closing the door after himself just to look at you for a moment longer. You watched out of the window to see him leave the building and start off through the street, a broad smile on your face.