#and we still dont have our own place
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Tired of reminding myself it's been tough year and it's ok to not feel good
#living with a friend's parents to get out of a seriously scary situation and also not have to move back with my parents#who live hours away and have none of my friends nearby#is fuckin weird and tough!!#and we still dont have our own place#we're gonna#but it's literally gonna be almost a year since move out before we get in there#and its been a year now since things officially went to shit#like yeah slow decline before that but shit exploded in December last year#and i feel awful rn#and have to keep reminding myself that that is so beyond reasonable#even if a lot of things are really good rn#and they are!!!#a lot is really hard and HAS been really hard#and im tired of it#i just wanna feel okayyyyyy
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I haven't forgotten to update y'all there's just not a lot to say. The truce is going easier. We're still socking away every dollar for expenses and first/lasts/etc.
But uh. The dude who owns the house died. And his daughter, who is handling his estate, is due to give birth in less than a month. So timelines are up in the air & the house is going to go up for sale at some point & there's more to fix on my end than I thought for finances-
Which is all stressful in its own right! But yeah. Sorry for the delay.
#lace speaks#when i made that first point i genuinely feared for my safety#and i still dont know what to expect most days because nothing is simple#but now i feel guilty for maybe jumping the gun and scaring people#even though i was fucking terrified and am still on eggshells most days#moving#we still HAVE to move#there is no 'if'#the house is being sold#and we HAVE to get our own place#thats not up for debate#but the time now#the time#is the issue#it'll be soon#but /when/#i just want a week with no funerals or surprises#but i cant have one
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not to be ungrateful but i don't get paid enough at my job lol
#the problem with jobs that people do bc they love the work is that it doesn't pay well and you will be overworked to death#genuinely couldn't quit bc i love the kids too much already but 15 an hour is....not ideal tbh....#how am i supposed to make future plans in these conditions#i cant ask for a raise ive only worked here 3 months but ugh#the only reason i got hired is i finally broke my rule abt the minimum hourly rate i was willing to accept#i applied to the two 14-16 an hour jobs and used the one i already accepted to get this one to gove me 15 instead of 14#but that's still not a lot tbh#need to buy an oven since we havent had a working one since january#and i keep gping ok next time i get paid i will buy an oven#and it hasnt happened yet#and i need.....17k to invest in starting my own business and i will not see a return on that for a very long time 😭#and i have no idea where that money will be coming from lol#fortunately its not that time sensitive except it kind of needs to happen in the next year or two probably but idk#if i dont do what i need to do idk what will happen but i think the issue will become more expensive but also maybe less expensive#but also uglier and make my neighbors mad#but i have no choice but to wait bc i have no money for that lol#anyway#17k is my immediate expense but i also need to come up with the money to eventually buy my parents house somehow#and i dont even make enough to pay the mortgage 😭#fortunately i dont need to do that for a long time but...eventually#anywayssss#how am i supposed to live laugh love in these conditions#i do love working with kids but jts hard work and all my coworkers are petty and hate eachother so its a lot#and i dont make enough money to live fr#im so lucky i live w my parents bc nobody at my job makes enough to live on their own lol#also the sheep that are supposed to be clearing brush got sick and went back to their farm and they're not coming back this year at all#so we need to brush hog it#or contract another farm#im not sure if its even safe w their poop all over the place snd im not getting any communication from the farmers#but it lowkey might be better to get our own sheep but thats so much work i dont want to think abt doing livestock
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i love my partner so much 😔
#i get so worried sometimes like idk we’re 4 years deep and we’re very settled in wjth one another and we don’t have a lot of time Of Just Us#rn so i get worried that like… they worry ab the lull lmao#like we can’t really go in dates or have sex much and i don’t want them to think i’m just getting too comfortable and not trying#idk i know they’re not worried necessarily#i’m just tired all the time and i hear ab other seruous relationshups and like they’re still very passionate and like idk…. sometimes i feel#like we’re just Old LMAO like they come home from work and i cuddle them and then i cook or clean and we cuddle again at bed#but we don’t like#pash LMAOOOOOO like idk we’re just like a little old couple and i worry sometimes that they think we’re in that like Roommafe mindset bc#we’re not i just don’t have energy and we don’t have time and i don’t have the money to go to qld or get a hotel for us to be alone#RANTHUDDOWJHD J WANT US TO BE ALONE ALREADYYYYYYYY I WANT US TO HAVE OUR OWN PLACE WHERE PROPLE DONT BUG ME AND IM NOT SYRESSED ALL TJE TIME#AND THEN MAGBE WE CAN FUCK LMAO#idk it’s just kinda crazy considering we used to have sex like twice a week MINIMUM when we first got together#and now i cannot remember the last time lmao#ANYWAY MOVING ON#tw: tmi#「mercury speaks」
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#my home is gone.#like its all still there but nothing is the same- i am not allowed to go back#everything reeks of smoke and is covered in soot#theres strangers in there cleaning#and when we can go back it wont be for long because its not safe anymore#and we will have to move#and our first apartment together my first apartment as an adult#the space we have spent a year and a half carefully making uniquely our own in a way no other place has been#will just be gone.#and i know itll be fine eventually yknow we will move and set up a new place and itll be just as good but theres so much work and pain#between us and that#and until then i just dont have a home#i just want to go home#ghost posts
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and if i said i wanted to own a couple acres and build houses for each of my friends and own chickens together, would you judge me for that?
#chickens and goats and guinea fowl#and dogs and cats#and we'd grow food and eat dinners and have movie nights#we'd have a big space just to hang out separate from all our houses#with a gym and a movie theater and a kitchen and a dining room#and we'd have a big community pool#and we wouldnt care what the other people did with their place wed just be happy to have a place among friends#idk thinking about how the only real way ill own property of any kinds is if i get all my friends to pitch in and then we build a community#k mumbles#and also that i just want my friends close by as i get older#idc what they do or how big their house is or if they have a family and i dont#but id like them close by so we can still be friends#i love my friends and i want to grow old with them
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ok this is unprompted but if you pride yourself on being the reason people leave a space for something they genuinely love and have done no objective wrong - youre a piece of shit btw. like full send youre horrible.
#cheeri rants#this is brought on by me finally letting myself get back into smth i loved for like 5-6 years#and got squicked out of by senseless witch hunts and trans/misogyny and the like#im really sitting here remembering all the nights i stayed up with amazing friends#the shoulders i cried on and the hands i held for others#the people who stood with me through some of the toughest times i can remember#we all loved the same silly things#we all poured bits of ourselves into everything we created and we shared that with everyone#i still so vividly remember lamenting that id never get to see our interest irl#and someone i didnt even know all that well dm’d me a few days later asking if i had venmo or paypal#because they were going to give me $50 to buy a ticket. they wanted to go but couldnt#for some reason i cant remember but they gave me their own money and told me to please enjoy in their place#and you know what? i fucking cried that night. you dont see that anymore#the all-nighters i pulled with my best friend watching the live reruns of our interest before we even got into the fandom#doing my homework while we were on facetime together squealing#and all of this came to a screeching halt because of some . PEOPLE.#who figured we were having fun the wrong way because they didnt like it#and we put up all the flashing neon signs to warn people#warn them of smth they should have already known#and just because people ignored those signs it was taken out on us anyway#and i have never been so heartbroken to watch one by one as some of the brightest people i ever knew#started leaving. breaking down. their light was being stomped out because some assholes cant mind their own#and i will be fucking damned before i stand by and let that happen again. to anyone.
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Hey guys. gay rights
#i already made the sonic one a while bc yknow. kinnie stuff youve all seen my blog theme#but then i was wearing my Fearless Year of Shadow(tm) shirt along with it and my irl bff was like.#'why are you wearing a sonic bracelet with that shirt if you love shadow so much 🤨' *#(he doesnt know much about sth stuff but ive infodumped abt shadow and his backstory to him many times)#and i was like 😭😭 BECAUSE I DONT HAVW A SHADOW KANDI BUT I WANNA MAKE ONE. I WILL SOON#so. now i do!! taking my ad/derall on the weekends always make me want to make more kandi. its great!#and yknow what else it makes me want to do...... talk more on here >:3333#me and my dad are gonna go to a local jazz festival this afternoon bc our jazz combo is playing at it!!#itll be fun. my dad said hes gonna get some food from this really good breakfast place on the way thwre#which is not the best part. the best part is outside the shop there is a wonderful kitty cat who hangs around the parking lot#bc hes owned by the ppl who own the bar right next door#its so great. everybody knows him (the cat) and loves him. the v/ape shop next door has a tip door set up for him even though the#bar owner ppl take care of him and take him to the vet nd stuff. my dad found a faceb/ook page somebody made for him#and apparently it just has pictures of ppl at the bar holding him. its so great and hilarious. this cat is so loved#by the v/ape shop people. by random people at this beachtown bar. by the breakfast shop people.#anyways uh. this post was abkut kandi wasnt it 😭😭😭 lol#cherry chortles#anyways the add/er/all also usually makes me want to look at and sort through my pkmn card collection. so imma do that#because my dads friend (and my friend too i guess! me and him exchange cat photos bc he has this adorable chunky cat named gremlin) that we#play bar trivia with on tuesdays (dw its not really even a bar. its mostly a restaurant) asked me abt my pokemon card collection#bc the final question was to put a few franchises (it was like. dora the ecplora and spide/rman etc. and pokemon) in order of revenue#and obvs pokemon was the top. bc of factors like the trading cards so thats how that came up#we didnt bet any of our points btw but we almost! got it right! the order was pk/mn dora spidamen friends (the tv seies) but we had spidman#as second. but we still won!! our team is on a two game winning streak!!! we always split the money so next week ill get another 8 dolla >:3#wow i havent hit tag limit yert#lol. yall'll open the 'see all tags' thing and boom. do you love the color of the sky type shit 😭😭😭#sorry that sounds too much like aave. i (white baby) cant be sayin that#cherrys kandi#okay well i had a tag with a verse from the ultimarw showdown bc i didnt know what else to say#but with my kandi tag and these two tags i have hit tag limit. thank you folks ill be here all night
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whooooo having an anxiety attack about covid. again 👍
#cw negative#cw vent#nowe talks#it's hard to describe what about it is the worst source of anxiety for me. it's not What If I Get It. it's mostly just. it's just.#i sometimes feel like our society has just forgotten that it's a thing. or that society has forgotten that it's A SERIOUS THING.#like this thing that Kills People.#i know it's not lethal to most people but it still is a very serious thing!#why have we as a society shifted from “protecting the people most affected is a collective responsibility#(via vaccination and masking and not showing up to places sick)“#to “well what if all the people belonging to risk groups just deal with this on their own and the rest of us go back to normal?”#idk man maybe i'm sensitive because my grandma died of covid a week before Christmas last year.#or because both of my parents are over 60 and my dad has another risk factor illness on top of that.#idk man. i just feel so. unsafe. unsure and scared and tired. i just dont want other people to go through what our family did last december#i want to stress that i'm not blaming any individual people for this.#my frustration is almost solely directed towards the goverment not taking covid seriously enough#and like i'm not perfect. i'm not sure what's the right thing to do and what's me overreacting.#i recognize that i am often incapable of thinking clearly about this subject#sometimes i feel like i am the only one in my circle (family included) who is this worried about it still. i'm not blaming my loved ones#i'm not saying i'm better than them that's not it. i just. sometimes i just feel so alone with this#and idk how to make it better?#like i have good moments and bad moments with this anxiety. it comes and goes. but. idk.#i think her death's anniversary coming closer combined with the rising covid numbers in my country is just doing a number on me
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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a weird little thing abt me is i will definitely mock shitty ai art but it never feels right doing it about the hands simply by virtue of the fact that a lot of them look indistinguishable from the hands i was doing years ago when i first got a drawing tablet
#like id have the right number of fingers obv but like. putting the thumb on the wrong side#fingers bending weird directions or connecting in weird places#weird anatomy at joints‚ freaky nails‚ bad proportions‚ bad perspective‚ etc etc etc#people say 'this isnt ai like in sci-fi its just machine learning' but to me its a lot more interesting to look at it as#'this isnt ai like in scifi /yet/'#like yeah the stuff ai does in fiction isnt possible at this point but like. i find it difficult not to wonder if this#is the ai version of infancy stages yknow? like.#ppl go 'its cant write its own stuff its just recycling stuff its been fed' as if thats not kinda how people . learn to talk?#idk i just find it hard to agree with arguments that act like where we currently are at is the furthest these technologies could possibly#evolve in our lifetimes#'it just makes things up' you mean like toddlers going on long winding rambles about unicorns and monsters or w/e#'it cant do art good' you mean like a child? or even just literally Anyone who doesnt know how to draw yet?#like. idk. i feel like people are trying very very hard to insist the ai of today is still the same as it was in the clevverbot days#and that its impossible to evolve any further#people want to cling to the old days when ai stuff didnt pass the turing test by a much wider marging than it tends to now#dont want to admit that it does indeed sometimes surpass the turing test and likely would be able to even moreso were it#not for restraints#(see: that one stock trading ai that did insider trading vs various chatbots not bring allowed to write disparaging things#about copyrighted people or w/e)#if ai stuff was still truly indistinguishable from human works then we wouldnt need to spend so much time#hashtag exposing things as being ai generated#and i just think its bad to‚ in pursuit of that‚ mock things that are like. just stuff all beginner artists struggle with#i guarantee you there is not a single artist out there who hasnt drawn a hand that made them want to curl up and die at least once.#i got very off-topic there but swung it back around at the end there so. hashtag win#origibberish
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Long distance gf to long distance wife.... Iconic
#dont need no ceremony dont need no flash to call my bride my dearest homie dont need no cash#cohabitation's far away a few years at least if in the meantime i visit her im sure we'll feast#i shall not falter trip or stumble in but one matter; to devote my intents and purpose i dont have a rhyme but its to her#id be content even if we never got the chance to get our own place genuinely the most important part is just that we're eachothers#still in awe at my current luck. 5 years goes by and many more to cone i hope#no one in our close friend group is asking abt it yet tho smh let me scream my love to the heavens above
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Really funny that ive had more error popups/failed attempts to post or rb than ever before in the like 11 years ive been on this site yet thats coinciding with tumblrs attempt to stay relevant/spend a bunch of money marketing themselves with dumbass ads and promote merchandise they stole from their own userbase while also forcing us to look at their requests for our money for features when they never msde this site usable in the first got dam place
#im just saying we have enough swaggy tgirl computer programmers to make our own website why are we still here#like i love the aspects weve all stayed here for but a big part of that was that this place was unmarketable#and now instead of being able to use this site the only things that load are ads or posts from staff asking for ur money#meanwhile they continue to protect their terf team members and shadowban/wipe out anybody who points that out#like im glad i came back i am. but this place is really really going downhill for real this time#its. sad at best 😔 idk man im frustated#like we dont even have our own jokes anymore man they stole them from us and turned them intk fucking promotions
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#honestly they moved me to a different office right now so im not alone in my place anymore and tbh i should not be complaining bc at least#this one gets warn fast and im not in the open first to call usually and all but idk i feel like an intruder there and miss having lots of#place and the fact noone seen my screen etc and just overall i would prefer sitting next to the guys but also 😶 idk i just dont like anyone#hearing my phone calls etc and also i fucked up at work today BADLY but noone knows yet and this sounds like i fuck up a lot but i always#called the smaller mistakes this too i guess shskd also i almsof argued with a man who's our client on the phone but for gods sake i do know#i am right and idk if he's making me feel stupid or something or is he using one of my mistakes for his own good idk idk idk it will be a#nightmare to make this work now#and also we are having some kind of meeting with food etc tomorrow in the office upstairs but also rhe atmosphere is so not it and dudes not#at work tomorrow and he should be the one in there and like idk it all works like a fucked up chaos i also almost argued with the d irector#today bc of this lmao almost on dude's behalf bc tht waa the situation that pissed me off first#and i got to walk or catch a bus home tomorrow and like my mind does work so fast and keeps overthinking lately 😕#walking isnt the best best for me tbh#also i made plans with my friend and i do hope i open to her during the weekend bc i want to talk about everything so badly but at the same#time idk like i cant talk about personal things anymore (except here) she doesn't know what is making w suffer 😔#i think i made a decision about monday tho not the best one but both were bad so at least here i am...#anyone i am still helpless and that's what the sentence will end at bc i don't want to say the same thing again and again and again#anywya i have to delete this bc its too much details soon
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A beautiful shelf of books all for me! (all for me!)
#I pulled this bad boy outta the closet in my grandpa covered in dust and old books#so i spruced it up and shoved it into the bedroom next to my desk in place of the old rock table#my aunt called it unnecessary and acted like i was being dramatic#but i dont think she gets what it means to me to put this in here and keep all the books from our grandpa and childhood safe#and while they were safe in there they werent being appreciated#and its unused!!!#dont get me started on all the childhood books i found thrown into the garage that i rescued and brought in#and its sitting in my own closet's shelves that were also just as unused#Still a long way to go...but im happy :)#thanks to my brother who is stronger than me and did most of the heavy lifting because im a toothpick even-#though we took out all the garbage and bookss off it before we moved it#i dont know most of the books in there or in my closet...but i'll get a chance to know em now!#not that i didnt before but i think having it in my own bedroom helps my brain more
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I HATE LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT
#THIS IS PURGATORY I HATE THIS SO MUCH#we r not renewing for our current place and our landlord literally just leased it today to other ppl#and we STILL DONT HAVE A LEASE OF OUR OWN.#i am so upset i love my apartment so much like rationally i can’t stay here another yr bc it has a host of issues but i love her anyway#and i just want a new place to live >:(#but everything else on the market rn is god awful#GHHHHHH#talks.txt
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