#and we're trying to make her life as easy and comfortable as possible

[ahauntedcowboy]

having a big heart is all fun and games until your chest aches with the grief you must carry all the time.

[edenesth]

TWTHH Spinoff: Love to Hate You [2]

Pairing: royal secretary!San x female scholar!reader

AU: historical au (Joseon era)

Word Count: 10.7k 🤡

Summary: San prided himself on his knack for building easy connections with women, viewing himself as a trusted ally for the opposite gender. Thanks to his deep bonds with his mother and sister, he possessed keen insights into the female mindset. Never did he imagine facing the ire of a woman, until he encountered a resolute female scholar with a strong dislike towards men.

A/N: I'd recommend listening to Laufey's Valentine while reading this, the song is quite perfect for this spinoff.

Part 1 | Main Story | Spinoff Masterlist

"Now, tell me, why were you crying?" you inquired, halting at the doorway of your house, careful to shield your mother from the conversation. You understood that she would only blame herself if she knew he was upset, despite none of it being her fault. Deep down, you knew she carried the burden of not being able to protect her children, always feeling like an inadequate mother.

Siwoo shook his head, "It's nothing, noona. I just... I was just overwhelmed with all the schoolwork on my first day. But don't worry about me, I feel much better after letting it all out," he reassured, attempting to alleviate your concerns. Yet, you couldn't fully accept his explanation. While a part of you ached to think he might have been bullied by his classmates, as you had feared, another part of you swelled with pride at his resilience.

That's my boy.

"Is that so? Well, come on then, dinner might be ready," you responded, and he brightened at the mention of food. "Dinner sounds good, I'm starving! Mother, we're home!" he called out excitedly, darting into your modest abode almost immediately.

"How was school, Siwoo?" your mother asked, her fingers smoothing down his unruly hair as he dug into his meal with gusto. Siwoo grinned and nodded. "It was okay! Master Lee looked after me really well, just like noona said he would!" Your mother smiled warmly and wiped a stray bit of food from his cheek. "That's good to hear."

You couldn't help but smile at their exchange, though you sensed Siwoo's words were meant to reassure your mother more than convey his true feelings. While Master Lee might have looked after him in their presence, you knew all too well the dynamics of school life and the possibility of bullying when no adults were around. Unfortunately, he would have to learn to navigate those challenges, just as you had.

Finishing your meal, you tousled your brother's hair. "So, what did that man from earlier say to you?" Your mother raised a curious eyebrow. "Man? What man?" Siwoo perked up. "Oh, that kind hyung-nim! He was just making sure I was okay."

You scoffed. "Kind? You don't even know him. People can seem nice but have hidden motives. Don't trust too easily, or he might want something from you." Turning to your mother, you elaborated, "It's His Majesty's royal secretary. We had an unpleasant encounter at the palace. I had hoped never to see him again, but somehow he was at Siwoo's school when I went to pick him up. How many coincidences can there be? I'm certain he's up to something. So, you," you directed a stern look at your brother. "Don't entertain him if he shows up again, okay?"

Siwoo nodded reluctantly, his expression turning sullen. Your mother shook her head. "Or perhaps he's genuinely nice...? He's an important figure, after all. You shouldn't make an enemy out of him, dear. I worry for you." You offered her a reassuring smile. "I'll handle it, mother. Don't worry about me."

Later that night, as you lay in bed, the soft breathing of your brother beside you with a comforting rhythm, you couldn't help but feel a pang of bittersweet emotion. Siwoo, once the tiny bundle you cradled in your arms, had grown so quickly before your eyes. Memories of his infancy flooded your mind, the moments when you'd rocked him to sleep and comforted his tears.

Now, here he was, trying to shield his own emotions from you, not wanting to burden you with his struggles. Your heart swelled with both pride and a tinge of sadness as you gently stroked his head, leaning in to plant a tender kiss on his forehead. How you wished he could remain your precious little brother forever, sheltered from life's harsh realities.

Yet, another part of you longed for him to mature, to become the pillar of strength this family needed. You yearned for the day when he would stand beside you as a protector, capable of shouldering the burdens that weighed heavily on your shoulders.

"Sweet dreams, little one," you whispered softly, your voice barely a whisper in the darkness. With a sigh, you closed your eyes, letting the tranquillity of the night envelop you as you drifted into slumber, your dreams filled with hopes for the future.

The next day unfolded much like the one before, with the familiar routine of dropping Siwoo off at school. Kneeling beside him, you tenderly adjusted his hanbok and smoothed down his hair, your actions a comforting ritual between siblings.

"Well, I have no new advice for you today, except to stay strong and not let the words of others affect you. Remember, they're just words, and you can choose not to let them bother you," you imparted, noticing the flicker of surprise in his eyes, as if he had been caught keeping secrets from you. With a warm smile, you gently pinched his cheeks to alleviate any worries he might have.

"Now, go on and get in there. And no causing trouble!" you teased, prompting a playful protest from Siwoo as he swatted your hands away and stuck out his tongue. "Bye, noona! See you later!" he called out cheerfully as he headed off to join his classmates.

As you watched him go, a soft smile lingered on your lips, filled with both pride and a touch of wistfulness.

He'll be fine; we've been over this.

You proceeded towards your educational institution to resume your own studies, putting aside worries about your brother for the moment. As you arrived at the entrance, you took a deep breath to ready yourself before entering, clutching your books tightly to your chest.

"Well, well, look who decided to grace us with her presence. Miss Smarty Pants finally showed up. Heard she even resorted to borrowing books from the royal library," Namgil, the scholar with the wealthiest father and your longtime tormentor, remarked as he annoyingly strolled alongside you, trailed by his group of cronies. One of them chimed in with a smirk, "Poor thing can't even afford her own books. Maybe if she catches the eye of some high-ranking officials in the palace, she won't need to study so hard at all."

Maintaining a neutral expression, you continued walking towards the foyer, where you could begin your studies undisturbed with the presence of teachers. Despite the taunting remarks being a regular occurrence during your journey from the outside to the inside of the institution, you had grown accustomed to them.

Reaching the foyer, you pivoted to face the group with a wide, sarcastic grin. "Well, boys, have you had your fill? If we're done wasting precious time trying to bring others down to boost our own fragile egos, maybe we should focus on our studies. After all, if we want to avoid squandering dear old daddy's money, we'll need to graduate. Time's ticking, gentlemen. Are we going to remain stuck in this childish behaviour forever?"

The satisfaction was palpable as you flashed a victorious smile and turned to stride into the foyer, leaving them no room for a rebuttal as a teacher emerged to greet the group. They hastily composed themselves, offering respectful bows and pretending as though nothing had happened.

Fools, you thought to yourself. This was precisely why you harboured such disdain for men. They were simplistic creatures, falling into one of two categories. The first, like Namgil and his cronies, were openly mean-spirited, condescending, and misogynistic. The second, exemplified by Royal Secretary Choi, was the cunning, duplicitous types who sought to earn your trust through false kindness before exploiting you. In the end, they were all cut from the same cloth.

At the end of the session, following a quiz intended to assess everyone's preparedness for the final examination, you unsurprisingly emerged as the top scorer once again. The teacher's announcement was met with the usual mixture of reactions, but your attention was drawn to his subsequent remarks.

"Miss Moon, once again, you've secured the top spot. Namgil, while second place may seem like an achievement, you should feel nothing but shame. All of you should. It's unacceptable to be outperformed by a woman. Study harder; I expect to see a different outcome in the next quiz."

You shook your head in disbelief at the teacher's words, seething inwardly at his ingrained bias. The implication that a woman should not surpass men in intellect spoke volumes about his archaic mentality. You were tired of being spoken about as if you weren't in the room, tired of the inherent sexism that permeated every aspect of your academic life. Graduation couldn't come soon enough; you were determined to prove these narrow-minded individuals wrong.

I'll show you morons.

"Oh boy, I know that look," Haneul remarked, shaking her head with a disapproving sigh as San emerged from his room the next day. Despite the dark circles under his eyes, his usual enthusiasm and determination shone through. She suspected her discouraging words from the previous evening had backfired, knowing her brother was just an optimistic idiot like that.

He scoffed, "What do you know? Go home already, noona. Your husband might start to worry if you keep visiting so often."

With a smirk, she lightly whacked him on the head. "I'm leaving today, don't you worry. But don't say I didn't warn you when whatever silly plan you might have ends up falling through. You men just love learning things the hard way, don't you? Let her be, Sannie."

"Yeah, yeah. Safe travels. I'll catch you later."

Haneul rolled her eyes in defeat. "Fine, fine. Send me away like I'm a nuisance. You should learn something from little Siwoo."

Turning back with a sarcastic grin, the royal secretary teased, "If you say so... love you, noona!" and blew her exaggerated kisses, earning a mockingly disgusted reaction. "Yuck! Save that for your future wife, gross!" she exclaimed, pretending to gag.

San strode through the palace corridors with newfound determination, his mind buzzing with plans and possibilities. He greeted the palace staff with a bright smile and a confident demeanour, earning curious glances from those he passed.

As he approached the royal study, he couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement. Today was the day he would begin executing his plan, the day he would show Scholar Moon that he was different from the rest, that he was sincere in his intentions.

Entering the king's presence, San found himself greeted with the warm smile of His Majesty. The elderly man's eyes twinkled with amusement as he observed his secretary's energy.

"You seem quite cheerful today, Royal Secretary Choi. Anything exciting happening in your life?" the king inquired with a chuckle as their daily meeting concluded.

San's grin widened, his heart racing with anticipation. "I suppose so, Your Majesty. I won't say more until I see positive results," he replied cryptically, unknowingly leaving the king to interpret his words as he wished. Little did the fool know, his vague response led His Majesty to believe he was referring to romantic pursuits.

The king's face lit up. "Oh, I can't wait to hear the good news. Best of luck, my boy. That's all for today. Carry on with your tasks," he said with a playful wink, dismissing San with a clap of his hands.

Secretary Choi bowed deeply, feeling grateful. "Thank you, Your Majesty!" he exclaimed before leaving the royal study, his mind already buzzing with plans to win over the female scholar.

He made his way through the library, exchanging nods with a few scholars absorbed in their studies. As he searched the aisles, hope waned with each passing moment. Nearly ready to give up, he reluctantly admitted to himself that you might not be there today. With a resigned sigh, he turned to leave.

But as he moved to exit, a flash of movement caught his eye. Turning back, he was stunned to see you tucked away in a quiet corner, fast asleep amidst a pile of borrowed books. A wave of tenderness washed over him at the sight of your peaceful form, and he approached you with silent steps, not wanting to disturb your rest.

He couldn't resist the urge to approach and observe you, struck by how serene and angelic you appeared in your slumber, a stark contrast to your usual tough and guarded demeanour. Seeing the sunlight streaming in from the nearby window and casting a glare on your face, he settled into the seat opposite you. With a gentle touch, he lifted his hand to shield you from the brightness, intent on preserving your peaceful rest.

Looking down at you like this, perhaps it was his innate sense of chivalry, but it stirred an intense urge to protect you, to help shoulder some of the burdens you must be carrying on those delicate shoulders of yours. He couldn't shake the feeling of admiration mingled with empathy as he watched you, lost in tranquil slumber amidst the chaos of the world around you. With a soft sigh, he longed to offer you more than just protection from the sun's glare, yearning to provide solace and support in any way possible.

As he watched you stir, letting out a small groan before readjusting your head and settling back into sleep, he felt a slight panic. However, his worry melted away when he realised you were merely shifting in your slumber. A soft sigh escaped him, accompanied by a gentle smile and a flutter in his heart at how endearing you looked.

Gosh, she looks adorable.

Resting his head on his palm, he continued to observe, noting the subtle signs of exhaustion etched across your beautiful face. Unlike other girls or women who likely had access to luxurious skincare products or ample rest to maintain their beauty, it was evident that any resources you had were dedicated to supporting your family and pursuing your studies. His gaze drifted to your hands, noticing the dry skin, blunt nails and paper cuts, evidence of both physical labour and tireless studying.

Gazing at you, his mind wandered to the challenges and hardships you must have faced throughout your childhood, shaping you into the resilient and guarded person you are today. He pondered on the beliefs you held about men, likely influenced by your past experiences. Working in the palace, San was all too familiar with the despicable behaviour of some men, having witnessed their deceit and manipulation firsthand. He understood, perhaps more than most, your strong aversion and distrust of men.

Yet, in his heart, he believed that you hadn't met men like him and his friends—men of integrity and genuine kindness. Determined to prove to you that good men existed, he resolved to show you through his actions. He was determined to be the exception, to demonstrate that not all men were as duplicitous as those you had encountered before. And in that moment, as he watched over you, he silently vowed to be the beacon of goodness and sincerity that you deserved.

Lost in his contemplations, he was jolted back to reality when he felt your hand push his away. Startled, he blinked, realising that the sun he had been shielding you from was now obscured by clouds. Your voice, sharp and incredulous, pierced through his thoughts.

"What in the world do you think you're doing, Royal Secretary Choi?" you demanded, your tone laced with annoyance and curiosity.

Flustered and caught off guard by your abrupt interruption, San quickly cleared his throat and straightened in his seat, feeling the weight of your scrutiny upon him. He could only imagine how his actions must have appeared from your perspective: waking up to find an uninvited man seated across from you, hand raised in an attempt to shield you from the absent sun.

"I-I can explain," he stammered, scrambling to find the right words to justify his actions. "I was just trying to—"

But before he could finish his sentence, you cut him off with a sarcastic smile, your words dripping with disdain.

"Let me guess," you said, your tone biting. "You just wanted to help? I thought I made myself very clear yesterday, but it seems I might not have. In case you missed the point, I'll repeat it again: I don't need your help. Thank you very much."

With that, you gathered all the books in your arms and swiftly exited, leaving him feeling chastised and uncertain of how to proceed.

As he sat frozen in his seat, watching your retreating figure, the royal secretary couldn't help but admire your firm resolve. Instead of feeling discouraged by your rejection, he found himself respecting you even more for it. Your unwavering stance showed him that you weren't one to let someone into your life easily, and in a world where men could be deceitful and manipulative, that was a reassuring trait. He couldn't help but feel a surge of admiration for you, even as he remained seated in the library, contemplating his next move.

Making your way out of the palace, your heart still raced from the encounter in the library as you clutched the stack of borrowed books close to your chest. Unbeknownst to Secretary Choi, you had been awake for some time, waiting to see what he would do, ready to catch him red-handed if he attempted anything untoward.

To your unpleasant surprise, you found that the glaring sun that had once been on your face was gone. Peeking through your lashes, you observed San going to great lengths to shield you from the brightness, even though he must have assumed you were still asleep. It was a small gesture, but one that spoke volumes about his character.

Even with his apparent kindness, you couldn't bring yourself to believe that he had done it without any ulterior motives. There had to be something he wanted from you; you were sure of it. You refused to let your guard down, you remained determined to stay wary of his intentions.

Despite your hopes that San would quit his efforts after the incident in the library, he proved to be annoyingly persistent. However, to your surprise, he no longer offered unsolicited help, seemingly aware that you had not asked for it. Instead, he chose a different approach to get closer to you.

Every day as you entered the palace, he greeted you with a bright smile and a friendly "good morning." You found his amiable demeanour irritating because it made it challenging for you to be rude to him when he was simply being a nice and sociable person. With no choice but to reciprocate his greetings, you returned them with a forced smile of your own, not wanting to appear impolite in front of other palace staff.

Today was no different, much to your dismay. Despite your multiple attempts to arrive either earlier or later than your usual time, he always seemed to be there. Deep down, you wanted to bluntly ask him if he had nothing better to do. Shouldn't a royal secretary be busy? Why was he always lingering around?

Approaching the entrance and spotting him, you couldn't help but slap a hand on your forehead in frustration. You tried to turn away, but he called out to you before you could make your escape.

"Scholar Moon! I see you're here early today. Good morning!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

You cursed under your breath and reluctantly turned back to feign a smile, bowing respectfully. "Indeed, I am... Good morning, Royal Secretary Choi," you replied through gritted teeth.

He beamed at you and gestured for you to join him. "Come, let us head in together!"

Letting out a sigh of disbelief, you put on your best fake smile and complied, knowing it wouldn't be in your best interest to be rude to someone of such high importance in front of other people. Damn it, you couldn't wait for the day to be over already.

Walking beside him, you sought a moment of tranquillity, but as expected, he initiated an unwanted conversation like always.

"How's Siwoo adjusting to school?" he asked, his tone overly chipper.

Suppressing the urge to roll your eyes, you briefly squeezed them shut before replying, "He's doing well. Thank you for asking."

His smile widened at your response. "That's great! I just hope he's feeling better than the last time I saw him. Poor boy was so upset."

You sighed, cutting him off before he could continue. "Yes, but he'll live—"

Before you could finish, a group of rushing court ladies surged around the corner. "Out of the way! Concubine Eom Heebin is giving birth!" Amidst the commotion, you were shoved aside, but a firm pair of arms caught you, guiding you to safety—San's arms.

You landed against his chest with a huff, and he peered down at you with wide eyes. "Careful there, watch your step! You alright?" His words lacked their usual formality, driven purely by instinct.

San gulped audibly, his gaze lingering on your features as if trying to memorise every detail. He marvelled at how beautiful you looked up close, relishing the sensation of holding you tightly against him. It felt strangely satisfying to shield you from danger, to have you vulnerable in his arms. There was an inexplicable desire within him to be the only one who knew how it felt to hold you like this.

Meanwhile, you felt a conflicting array of emotions swirling within you as you found yourself in his embrace. Despite your best efforts to maintain your dislike for him, you couldn't deny the unexpected sense of safety and comfort you felt in his arms. It unsettled you, this lack of disgust, and you hated how nice it felt, how it threatened to unravel the walls you had carefully constructed around your heart.

Realising your proximity, you blinked rapidly and pushed yourself away. "Y-yes, I'm fine. Thank you..." For once, you meant it.

Days passed, and you found yourself in a state of inner conflict whenever you were around him. Previously, you had to force yourself to maintain politeness and hide your disdain for him, but now, it was becoming increasingly difficult to be unpleasant.

You despised this newfound feeling of guilt he stirred within you, as if he was silently reproaching you for your past behaviour. Moreover, he continued to prove himself to be just as kind as everyone claimed, further complicating your emotions.

Hate brewed within you—not for the royal secretary as a person, but for the way he was challenging your beliefs about all men being alike. He made you start to doubt the certainties you once held dear, and you resented him for it. Most of all, you detested how he was making it difficult for you to maintain your animosity towards him.

Regardless of the swirling new emotions within you, one thing remained constant: your determination to avoid him at all costs. You were sick and tired of the conflicting feelings he stirred within you, and you knew that indulging in them would only serve as a distraction from your studies.

You needed to maintain your focus and drive, especially now when your responsibilities weighed heavily on your shoulders. The last thing you needed was to be sidetracked by unnecessary emotions brought about by a man, of all things.

But of course, life seemed determined to defy your efforts. Despite your best attempts to avoid him, it felt like he was everywhere you turned. With each passing day, you found yourself encountering him more frequently, almost as if he were purposely crossing your path.

The realisation was hard to swallow: you were seeing him more often than your own mother and younger brother combined. It was infuriating to admit, but no matter how hard you tried to evade him, he seemed to find a way to appear wherever you were.

As you finished up your studies and prepared to leave the palace, a sense of relief washed over you. Today had been the first in what felt like an eternity without a sighting of Royal Secretary Choi. Hope flickered in your heart as you packed up your belongings, eager to leave the palace behind and reunite with your little brother.

But just as you approached the main entrance, the sky darkened ominously. Thunder rumbled, and lightning streaked across the sky before a torrential downpour engulfed the area. "No, no, no, not now! Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" you muttered under your breath, feeling frustration bubbling up inside you.

With no umbrella to shield you from the rain, you hurried to seek refuge under the closest shelter you could find: the awning of a nearby building. The sudden change in weather dashed your hopes of a smooth departure, leaving you stranded and drenched.

The thought of Siwoo waiting for you added to your unease. You cursed your lack of preparation, knowing that he would now have to endure more time with his bullies. It was another setback in a day that had promised to be free of Choi San's presence.

Yep, I'm convinced god hates me.

While you sheltered under the awning, your gaze remained fixed on the entrance, torn between the desire to run out into the rain to your brother and the realisation that falling sick was not an option. Too many people depended on you—your mother, your brother, and all the women in need of your assistance. You couldn't afford to be unwell, not with so many responsibilities resting on your shoulders.

Lost in your thoughts, you failed to notice a figure approaching from behind until the raindrops abruptly ceased falling around you. Looking up, you were met with the sight of an umbrella being held over your head. Startled, you turned to see San standing beside you, concern etched on his features.

"Are you alright, my lady? Please allow me to escort you to your destination," he said, his voice gentle and sincere.

The royal secretary's surprise was evident when he realised it was you, causing him to stumble over his words in an attempt to explain himself. "O-oh! It's you, Scholar Moon! I swear I didn't realise it was you, I thought you were a palace staff or someone else! I mean, I wasn't trying to offer help when you didn't want it, or maybe I was..."

He paused, then continued, "But I promise, I'm not making any assumptions! I can leave if you want me to... I'll leave the umbrella with you, of course, because obviously little Siwoo is waiting for you. Sorry, I don't mean to ramble... I just— here you go." Without waiting for your response, he thrust the umbrella into your hand and hurried off into the rain, leaving you standing frozen in bewilderment, trying to comprehend the unexpected encounter.

As you stood there, still holding the umbrella he had left behind, you couldn't shake off the words he had said. They lingered in your mind, his voice echoing gently, making you question your own feelings. For the first time, you understood why women might find him charming. Despite your resolve to dislike him, you couldn't deny his physical attractiveness and his gentlemanly nature.

But as you thought about it further, a new emotion crept in—an unsettling realisation that his kindness wasn't reserved for you alone. He would be just as sincere and helpful to anyone in need. Suddenly, a twinge of jealousy stirred within you. Why did it bother you that he treated others with kindness? Why did you feel upset that you weren't the only one receiving his attention? What was wrong with you?

Confusion clouded your thoughts as you grappled with these unfamiliar feelings. You couldn't understand why it mattered to you whether he was nice to everyone or not. But the fact that it did matter left you feeling even more bewildered. What were these emotions, and why the hell were they stirring within you now?

Lord, I must be out of my damn mind.

In the days that followed, your annoyance with San returned, but this time it was for a new reason—one you stubbornly refused to acknowledge. Despite your efforts to keep your distance and maintain your walls around him, you found it increasingly difficult to do so. His presence seemed to linger in your mind, his gentle demeanour and persistent kindness chipping away at your defences.

Meanwhile, the royal secretary remained hopeful after his recent encounters with you. He noticed the subtle changes in your behaviour—the once sarcastic smiles and curt words slowly giving way to genuine attempts to interact with him. He knew your pride was likely the barrier keeping you from fully opening up to him, but he was determined to break through it.

Perhaps it was the sense of accomplishment he felt, but he found himself increasingly consumed by thoughts of you and the challenge of breaking down your barriers to earn your trust. Each day, he eagerly anticipated going to work, knowing he might catch a glimpse of your beautiful face. Lately, he noticed it revealing more than just anger and disdain—it showed hints of other emotions too. He longed to witness them all, to be the first and perhaps the only one to see them. He felt a swell of pride, both in himself and in your progress, even if you were unaware of it.

"You like her, don't you?" San's gaze snapped up to meet his mother's, his chewing momentarily halted as he raised a questioning brow. "What are you talking about, eomma?"

She grinned, gesturing towards the additional lunch box he had instructed the servants to prepare for work that day. "Oh, you mean Scholar Moon? I mean, yeah, I guess I do...? I like everyone," he responded with a cheerful beam. However, her expression shifted to one of knowingness as she crossed her arms over her chest. "That's not what I mean, you silly boy. You have feelings for her, don't you?"

He choked on his food in surprise at her assertion. "Huh? Wh-what makes you say that? You know about my mission to prove her prejudice wrong, that's all there is to it. I don't feel any differently about her than I do about any other lady."

With a knowing smirk, the elderly woman caused him to wince. It was the same sarcastic expression his sister always wore before delivering a harsh truth. "Oh yes, because you make a point to greet every female palace staff member every morning, ask about all their family members, never stop talking about them, and ensure to pack extra lunch for them all just like you do for Scholar Moon, isn't that right?"

As his mother's words settled in, a sudden revelation struck San like a bolt of lightning. It was as if a veil had been lifted, revealing a truth that had been hidden from him until now. He couldn't pinpoint exactly when it had begun—perhaps it had lurked beneath the surface from the start, waiting for the right moment to surface.

He had been so preoccupied with proving to you that he was different, so focused on challenging your prejudices, that he hadn't stopped to consider his own feelings. What had started as a mission might have morphed into something more. The concern and care he felt for you went beyond mere kindness; it was a genuine desire to protect and support you.

Reflecting on the moments when you had occupied his thoughts—the incident in the library, the near-accident with the court ladies—he realised that his feelings ran deeper than he had admitted to himself. Even as he grappled with the conflict between wanting to take care of you and respecting your independence, he couldn't ignore the truth any longer. Choi San was a man with a lot of love to give, and he wasn't shy or ashamed to admit that he had developed feelings for you—feelings that transcended friendship or admiration. It was a realisation that both surprised and invigorated him, filling him with anticipation for what the future might hold.

But he wasn't stupid; he understood that acknowledging his feelings didn't equate to knowing yours or if you could ever reciprocate them. Despite this, he chose to find contentment in this understanding. He wouldn't expect anything from you in return. Your happiness would suffice to make him happy, even if it meant remaining mere acquaintances.

With this resolve, he bid his parents farewell before heading to work, his heart fluttering at the prospect of seeing you once more.

Later that afternoon, San strolled around the area where you often spent your lunch breaks. Spotting you in the secluded pavilion near the royal library, he felt a wave of relief wash over him. Instead of your usual packed lunch, you were nibbling on a meagre steamed bun. Approaching you with a grin, he greeted you.

"Good afternoon, Scholar Moon. I see you're having lunch as well," he greeted, and you nodded quickly, feeling self-conscious and embarrassed about your modest meal. Just as you were about to ask him what he wanted, he revealed the bag of lunchboxes he had been hiding behind his back.

"That's wonderful then. My family estate kitchen staff seemed to have made an extra set of lunch, and I was just wondering if maybe you would like to have it," he offered. You raised a sceptical eyebrow. "An extra set? That seems highly unlikely to happen."

He tried to maintain his composure despite being caught in a fib. "Fine. If you're not interested in it, I'm sure there are other palace staff who would enjoy it," he said, turning to leave. Panic surged within you as he started to walk away. "W-wait! I'll take it... please," you pleaded, reaching out to grasp his arm. With a satisfied nod, he settled down beside you.

That's what I thought.

As you opened the meticulously prepared lunchbox, a look of awe graced your features. The royal secretary chuckled at your adorable expression. He observed as you hesitated for a moment, glancing at him as if seeking approval before starting to eat. With a nod of encouragement, he joined in.

Little did you know, he had overheard some court ladies discussing the struggles faced by a female scholar, which could only be you, as you were the only one known. They recounted your struggles to afford essentials at home due to your brother's school fees and your own lack of income, all because of your dedication to your studies.

As you both began to eat, you didn't notice San biting his lip to hold back his laughter. Your eyes had widened and sparkled with innocent amazement at the flavours, a look he had never seen before. The sight made his heart flutter, confirming his feelings for you. He wanted to protect that innocence forever and be the only one to witness this endearing sight. He could easily picture spending time with you like this for life, and he knew he wouldn’t complain.

When you looked up and caught him staring, he quickly returned his gaze to his food. You blushed and checked your lips for any stray rice, wondering why he had been looking at you like that. Like a creep.

How annoying.

Relieved that there was nothing on your face, you continued eating. However, you furrowed your brows as you noticed the secretary picking at his food from the corner of your eye. Unable to contain your curiosity, you turned to see him pushing aside all the greens in his container. Raising an eyebrow, you asked, "Saving the best for last?"

He chortled, "Like hell I am."

Realising what was going on, you scoffed, "Seriously? The great Royal Secretary Choi doesn't eat his vegetables? Even my brother eats his. You should be ashamed of yourself."

He sputtered, clearly embarrassed, and you snickered at how flustered he appeared over your teasing. Glaring at you, he retorted, "Is that any way to talk to the kind samaritan who just treated you to lunch?"

You shrugged. "I'll treat anyone who doesn't eat their veggies the same way, with discrimination. If you won't eat them, give them here, you big baby."

He pouted, about to hand them over until you added, "Siwoo's going to be so disappointed when he hears about this. He looks up to you and thinks of you as his role model, you know." You gasped, realising you had revealed something you hadn't meant to share, but all your regret dissolved when you saw his reaction to your words.

San's jaw dropped, and he quickly snatched the greens back, stuffing his face with them. "There, I finished them. You happy now?!"

You couldn't help but burst into laughter. In moments like this, you wondered how wonderful it would be if all men were like him. You admired how his eyes crinkled as he joined in your laughter. He could be so annoyingly cute and likeable. Gosh, you hated it. You hated how warm he was making you feel, hated how good it felt.

As the two of you calmed down from your giggles, the smiles remained on your faces. You finished the last of your food, neatly wrapped the lunchbox back up in his bag, and handed it to him. "Thank you, Royal Secretary Choi," you said, your voice sincere.

His heart skipped a beat at your genuine gratitude. With a nod of acknowledgement, he reached out to take the bag from you. Both your breaths hitched when your fingertips brushed against each other. The unexpected contact sent a small, electric jolt through you both, causing you to momentarily lock eyes.

San's eyes softened, filled with an emotion you couldn't quite place. The world seemed to pause, and for a fleeting moment, the two of you were the only ones that existed. You could feel your pulse quickening, the warmth of his touch lingering on your skin.

"You're welcome," he finally replied, his voice barely above a whisper. He took the bag, his fingers lingering a moment longer than necessary before pulling away.

You quickly looked down, trying to steady your racing heart. "I should get back to my studies," you said, standing up and smoothing out your clothes.

"Of course," he replied, standing up as well. "Take care, Scholar Moon."

With a final nod, you turned and walked away, feeling his gaze linger on your back. A small smile tugged at your lips as you wondered what it would be like if moments like these with him became a regular part of your life. You found your own thoughts baffling, as no man had ever made you feel such emotions before.

Could he possibly... be the only exception?

No, he could not.

You should have known better. Should have recognised the trouble he brought along despite his constant insistence on helping. Initially, you felt grateful for his frequent gestures, like bringing you lunch and accompanying you to pick up your brother from school during the rainy season, the three of you huddled under his umbrella—a sight that warmed your mother's heart.

For a while, it felt like being on Cloud 9. But in hindsight, you must have lost your mind to let him get so involved in your life. It seemed foolish to rely on him so much, to let him become so close to you and your family.

And inevitably, there were consequences.

You reached your breaking point when the bullying at your educational institution intensified. Rumours about you and the royal secretary spending time together spread like wildfire among your fellow scholars, leading to endless torment.

As you tried to leave the institution, hoping to find solace at home after enduring what felt like hours of torment, Namgil and his cronies blocked your path, their mocking laughter echoing around you like a cacophony of cruelty.

"Leaving so soon, Miss Smarty Pants? Off to see your beloved Royal Secretary Choi, I presume?" he jeered, his voice dripping with malice. "Who would've thought your success was all thanks to him? Must have made quite the deal to get him to treat you so well. Bet you're not so innocent anymore, huh?"

His words cut through you like knives, causing your steps to falter as you froze in place, the implications of his cruel insinuations hitting you like a ton of bricks. "Should've known," Namgil continued, his tone laced with venom. "All you women are good for is spreading your legs."

You felt a wave of humiliation wash over you, a burning rage rising up within you as you struggled to hold back tears. They had no idea what you had been through, the sacrifices you had made to get to where you were. But at that moment, all you could do was stand there, feeling utterly defenceless against their relentless cruelty.

Meanwhile, San couldn't shake off his growing concern for you. He hadn't caught sight of you all day, and his inquiries around the palace yielded no sightings of you either. The court ladies confirmed that you hadn't visited the palace at all, which only deepened his worry. You had never missed a day before, and the thought of you being sick or in trouble made his heart sink.

Leaving work that day, the extra lunch he had prepared for you still in his hands, he hurried over to your brother's school in hopes of finding you there. However, his heart sank further when he only found Siwoo waiting by the entrance as usual. The child's face lit up when he spotted the royal secretary.

"Hyung-nim! Did my noona send you here to pick me up today?" Siwoo asked eagerly. The royal secretary shook his head, his concern evident in his expression.

"No, Siwoo-yah. She hasn't been to the palace either. Do you know where her institution is?" San inquired. Your brother's expression turned worried, but he nodded.

"Yes, I do! Let's go find her!" Siwoo suggested, but San gently shook his head.

"No can do, you tell me where and I'll go. Your mother will worry if neither of you are home," San explained. The child reluctantly agreed, but not without making a request.

"Okay, but promise me you'll bring her back," Siwoo pleaded. The secretary gave him a reassuring smile and pinky promised him.

"Don't worry, I will."

As San approached your institution, relief washed over him when he spotted your familiar figure not too far from the main entrance. However, his relief quickly turned to concern when he noticed you weren't alone. Surrounding you were a group of male scholars, their expressions and body language indicating that the conversation was far from pleasant. His heart twisted uncomfortably at the sight of your wet eyes and defeated look. Were you being bullied?

With clenched fists, he stepped closer, his brows narrowing in anger as he overheard snippets of the conversation. It was clear that the group was making disparaging remarks about you. His blood boiled when he heard the leader of the gang suggesting that you had been selling your body in exchange for your success. How dare they?

These bastards.

While San understood that your previous encounters with men must have been unpleasant for you to harbour such a strong dislike for them, witnessing you being treated in such a manner was a first for him. It was no wonder you hated them so much; who could blame you? But he was here now, and he was determined to change that.

He stalked over, his towering and intimidating presence startling the scholars. "Are my ears deceiving me, or did I truly just hear such vile words coming from a scholar?" he demanded, his voice icy and authoritative. "Watch your words because rest assured, your headmaster will hear about this. Not only were you being misogynistic, but how dare you insinuate such despicable things about Scholar Moon? This woman has more integrity than all of you combined. She doesn't need any man's backing—not even mine—to get where she is today. She is fully capable of achieving that on her own, and I think you know that, given how your insecurity and jealousy are blatantly showing through your nasty actions."

The scholars' faces turned pale, their bravado evaporating in the face of the royal secretary's fury. He stepped closer, his fists clenched, ready to defend you from any further insults. The leader of the gang opened his mouth to retort but quickly thought better of it, swallowing his words and casting a nervous glance at his friends.

"L-let's go, guys," Namgil stuttered, bowing before scrambling away. They weren't stupid. This was His Majesty's royal secretary, and if he reported them to the king, they would face dire consequences. There was nothing to gain from angering him.

San turned his gaze to you, his eyes softening. "Are you okay?" he asked gently, his voice a stark contrast to the harsh tone he had just used.

Instead of a grateful nod like he had expected, you met him with a darkened expression. Taking deep breaths, you tried to hold back your tears and calm yourself down. When you remained silent, glaring at him, he sighed. "Was that too much? I—I'm sorry, I know you can defend yourself, but I just—"

You cut him off, speaking in a low voice, "This is all your fault, Choi San."

He froze, his heart clenching painfully at the last words he expected to hear from you. You continued, harshly wiping away stray tears with your sleeves, "If only you'd just leave me alone like I asked from the beginning… I've been bullied all my life, but the usual nonsense I could endure. Not once—never—had anyone ever implied something like that," you whispered the last part. "And it's all because of you. Haven't you done enough? If you truly want to help me, then please—god—please, just leave me alone."

With that, you walked out of the institution, leaving him reeling in shock and hurt at your words. This was not how he had imagined things would turn out.

San finally realised that maybe his sister had been right. If distancing himself would make you happier, he’d do it, even if it meant suffering from being away from you. From that day onwards, he would make sure to keep his distance, honouring your wish.

You went to your younger brother’s school that evening and were surprised to hear that he had already been picked up. Panicking, you rushed home and were relieved to see Siwoo safely at the entrance, waiting with your worried mother. He clung tightly to you as you stroked his hair.

"Who brought you home?" you asked softly.

He sniffled, "Sannie hyung-nim… he promised he’d bring you home, but he lied. You came home alone."

You sighed, holding the child closer as guilt slowly crept into your heart. "He didn’t lie, Siwoo-yah. He did come to me, but I was the one who left him."

Your mother watched you with concern, her eyes reflecting relief and confusion. She reached out, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder. "What happened, dear?"

You hesitated, the weight of the day's events pressing down on you. "I— I just... he won't bother us again, mother. I made sure of that."

Siwoo looked up at you, his eyes wide with innocence and confusion. "But why, noona? He was so nice to us."

Tears threatened to spill from your eyes as you hugged your brother tighter. "It will protect us. It will make things easier."

You were aware that you were trying to convince yourself more than anyone else. But you would rather die than admit it. You were Scholar Moon, the first female scholar in Joseon, and you didn't need a man to survive. You never did, and you never would. Choi San was merely a hindrance, but he was now in the past. Things would finally return to normal. You would excel in your exams and fulfil your dreams. Everything would be fine.

Or would it really?

Days following that proved much harder than anticipated. The royal secretary had indeed left you alone, as you'd requested. While you should have been glad, a part of you felt irritated by his obedience. You resented that he hadn't fought harder, but you knew you had no one to blame but yourself. You felt difficult to deal with. Surely, a man as good as Choi San deserved someone better than you. He had gone above and beyond to help you for the past few months, yet all you gave him in return were harsh words you... likely didn't mean at all.

Wait, what even are these thoughts? None of that should matter; it's all in the past. You needed to focus on your studies.

With a massage of your temples, you attempted to reread the same sentence you had been struggling with for the past hour. However, endless thoughts of that stupid man kept resurfacing, haunting you and weighing heavy on your heart with an unpleasant feeling you wished would disappear. God, did you hate him. Why was he so annoying even when he wasn't around?

You hated how he consumed your thoughts.

Everywhere you turned in the palace, he lingered in your mind. Each time you picked up your brother, he intruded into your thoughts, and even passing by your educational institution's entrance reminded you of him. What was wrong with you? What had he done to you? You were fine before meeting him, and you would be fine now. You kept repeating this to yourself, but all resolve crumbled when you saw him approaching one morning in the palace. It was the first time seeing him since that day—the day you'd uttered those cruel words to him.

You froze, clutching your books tightly to your chest, bracing yourself for whatever words or actions he might deliver. However, your heart sank when he simply passed by with a respectful nod. Why did that sting so much? You had brought this upon yourself. The urge to chase after him was overwhelming, and you squeezed your eyes shut to suppress the longing.

Pull yourself together, this is for the best.

You didn't need him.

Or did you?

Why does it hurt so much?

The atmosphere between you and the royal secretary had shifted, turning awkward and strained. Everyone in the palace could sense the change, the tension that now defined your interactions—or rather, the lack thereof. The once easy camaraderie had vanished, replaced by uncomfortable silences and fleeting, cautious glances. It wasn't long before word reached Namgil, who seized the opportunity to make your life even more miserable. The bullying intensified, but you endured it all, determined to pass your final exam without incident.

Time flew by, even as you suffered.

You buried yourself in your studies, hoping to push him out of your mind. Every page you turned, every line you read, was an attempt to forget the way he made you feel. The palace corridors, once filled with the warmth of his ever-comforting presence, now echoed with your lonely footsteps and the quiet rustle of your books.

Days turned into weeks, and before you knew it, your final examination was approaching. The weight of the upcoming test pressed down on you, but it was a welcome distraction from the pain in your heart. You could still see him in the palace, still catch glimpses of his familiar figure in the distance, but the gap between you felt insurmountable.

On the eve of your exam, you found yourself in the palace library, surrounded by stacks of books and scrolls. The dim light of the lantern cast long shadows across the room, mirroring the shadows in your heart. You took a deep breath, trying to calm your racing thoughts.

Then, without warning, the door creaked open, and there he was. San, standing in the doorway, looking just as conflicted as you felt. Your heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, neither of you moved.

"Scholar Moon," he finally said, his voice low and hesitant. "I heard your final exam is tomorrow. I wanted to wish you luck."

You nodded, trying to keep your voice steady. "Thank you, Royal Secretary Choi."

He took a step closer, his eyes searching yours. "I know you asked me to leave you alone, but I just want you to know that I believe in you. You are more than capable of achieving your dreams."

Tears threatened to well up in your eyes, but you blinked them away. "I appreciate that," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

For a moment, it seemed like he might say more, but then he simply nodded and turned to leave. As the door closed behind him, you felt a pang of regret. You had to fight everything in you to resist running after him, holding onto him, telling him how much you regretted everything, how wrong you had been, how much you… missed him.

No, stop it.

You took a deep breath and returned to your books, knowing that tomorrow's exam was the key to your future. You had to stay focused. You had to succeed, even if it meant pushing aside the feelings you couldn't quite shake.

The next morning, your mother smoothed your robes as you prepared to leave for the palace where the final examination would take place. Her hands were gentle, but the pride in her eyes was unmistakable.

"This is it," she whispered, a soft smile on her face. "All your hard work will pay off today. You will finally be someone in this land. The first female scholar-official in Joseon."

You nodded, taking a deep breath to steady your nerves. Today was the day you had worked so tirelessly for. Today, you would prove yourself.

"You look beautiful, noona!" Siwoo cheered, his excitement contagious.

You smiled down at your little brother, ruffling his hair. "Thank you, Siwoo-yah. I'll make you proud."

As you stepped outside, the morning sun casting a golden hue over the palace grounds, you felt a surge of determination. You wouldn't have time to think about a certain annoying man who had been invading your thoughts more than you cared to admit. You wouldn't let the memory of Choi San torment you more than Namgil and his friends ever could.

With each step towards the examination hall, you reminded yourself of your goals. You were Scholar Moon, the first female scholar in Joseon. You were about to make history.

As you entered the courtyard, the confident bounce in your step reflected the culmination of years of hard work and determination. You were oblivious to the devious grins Namgil and a few other scholars exchanged as their gazes followed your figure.

"There she is," Namgil sneered, nodding toward the bridge above the large pond that everyone would later cross to reach the examination hall. A wicked idea formed in his mind. "Remind me, boys. It would be impossible for someone with drenched clothes to participate in the final examination, is that correct?"

They snickered, immediately understanding his implication. "Yes, I think that is right."

You moved through the crowd, nodding to a few familiar faces, your mind already focused on the examination ahead. You had no idea that behind you, Namgil and his cronies were plotting to ruin everything you had worked all your life for.

As the time approached for the scholars to cross the bridge and enter the hall, you took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the challenge ahead. This was your moment, and nothing would stand in your way.

Or so you thought.

As you stepped onto the bridge, Namgil and his cronies moved into position. With a quick, coordinated push, you were sent plummeting into the pond below. The cold water enveloped you, and panic set in immediately. You flailed, trying to keep your head above water, but it was futile. "H-help! Please!"

Laughter erupted from above. Namgil and his friends stood at the edge of the bridge, their mocking laughter ringing in your ears.

"Oops! Looks like Scholar Moon won't be making history today," Namgil taunted, his voice dripping with malice.

"I... c-can't swim..."

Everyone froze, the courtyard falling silent as your bully's laughter ceased. The realisation hit them like a ton of bricks: the pond was much deeper than they had anticipated, and you couldn't swim. Your desperate cries for help echoed in the sudden stillness, turning their malicious prank into a potential tragedy.

Panic spread among the scholars as they realised what they had done. What began as sabotage could now be seen as attempted murder, and their futures hung in the balance. Namgil's face drained of colour as he watched you struggle, knowing full well the consequences of their actions.

Fortunately for you, and unfortunately for them, San happened to be dropping by to observe the examination. His heart plummeted at the sight before him. Without a second thought, he pushed through the panicked crowd of useless men and plunged into the pond, desperate to save you.

His strong arms wrapped around you, pulling you up from the depths. He swam with determined strokes, bringing you to the safety of the pond's edge. As he hoisted you onto solid ground, he checked for signs of life, his own breath coming in ragged gasps from the effort and fear.

You coughed and sputtered, expelling water from your lungs as you gasped for air. San's relieved expression melted into one of fierce protectiveness and anger. He turned to face the group of terrified scholars, his eyes blazing with fury.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded, his voice a low growl. "Do you have any idea what you almost did?"

Namgil and his friends could only stammer incoherent excuses, their earlier bravado replaced by sheer terror. The royal secretary's intervention had saved you, but it had also sealed their fate.

A few examiners rushed out just in time to witness the chaos, their expressions darkening at the sight of the guilty, terrified faces of Namgil and his cronies. Realising the gravity of their actions, the bullies pleaded for mercy as they were escorted away to face the consequences.

The royal secretary turned toward you, gently brushing aside the damp strands of hair that clung to your face, his touch tender. "Are you okay?" he asked softly, his concern evident in his expression.

Your lips quivered at the tenderness in his voice and the worry etched on his face. He was the first and only man to care so deeply for you, and you couldn't fathom how you had repeatedly pushed him away. But now, tired of denying your feelings, you couldn't hold back the tears that welled up in your eyes. With a broken sob, you shook your head. "No… I'm not," you whimpered, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his shoulder.

He hesitated for a moment, startled by your sudden embrace, before returning it, enveloping you in his arms. "What's wrong? Tell me," he murmured, his voice laced with concern.

You sobbed harder, weakly hitting him. "It's you… y-you're so annoying, you know that? I hate it so much… hate that I love you."

He pulled back, wide-eyed, holding your shoulders at arm's length as he gazed into your tear-filled eyes. "Wh-what did you say…? This isn't a dream, is it?"

Through your tears, you chuckled at his reaction. "I finally muster the courage to confess to you, and that's your response?"

His smile broke through, the one you adored so much, the one where his eyes disappeared into slits, bringing warmth and comfort no matter how hard things got. Pulling you back into his arms, he stroked the back of your head. "I love you too..."

"How's your first day as a Scholar-Official, Moon?" inquired the royal secretary as you grinned at him. "It's going well, Royal Secretary Choi. Thank you for asking."

After he assisted you in petitioning His Majesty for another chance at your final examination, arguing that you were merely a victim of foul play, you were granted the opportunity. As anticipated, you passed with flying colours, ranking at the top of the batch. Finally, you held the prestigious title of scholar-official.

However, that wasn't the only change in your life. Choi San openly courted you, much to the king's approval, solidifying your status as a formidable power couple.

Leaning down to plant a kiss on your forehead, he smiled, "I'll see you after work."

You blushed and gently pushed him away. "Not here, please. But yes, I'll see you later."

As you left the palace after your day's work, you spotted a familiar face. Smiling, you greeted her, but your steps faltered when she bowed respectfully.

"Hi there. I remember you," you said, trying to recall where you had met her before.

She grinned knowingly. "Yes, it's good to see you again, Scholar-Official Moon. I suppose you believe my words about the royal secretary now, don't you? After all, you and he are the talk of the palace."

Your cheeks flushed, recalling that she had been the court lady to disclose San's identity during your initial encounter. You nodded awkwardly, trying to recover from your embarrassment.

She chuckled softly. "Well then, don't let me keep you. Royal Secretary Choi is waiting for you by the entrance."

Your heart soared at the sight of San standing by the entrance, just as the court lady had claimed. He was waiting for you, and the realisation filled you with an indescribable warmth. This wasn't just any man; this was your man. Yours alone. The sight of him, tall, handsome, kind, and caring, reaffirmed your feelings.

Without a second thought, you ran over, calling out, "Sannie!" He turned towards you, his face lighting up with that beam that never failed to make your heart race. His arms opened wide, and you leapt into them, feeling a rush of joy at being in his embrace.

"I missed you, honey," he whispered, his voice filled with affection.

You pressed your lips against his, relishing the moment as his response came swiftly, his kiss soft and reassuring. Pulling back slightly, a smile played on your lips, your heart dancing with joy. "I missed you too, my big baby," you teased.

"Come on, remember you wanted to learn more about my past?" you said, chuckling at the pout on his face as you pulled away.

He nodded eagerly, and you took his hand, leading him towards a place you hadn't visited in a long time.

"So, this was the root of your hatred for men…" he murmured, his gaze fixed on your father's grave as you stood beside him. You had just finished recounting everything that had transpired, from the beginning of your existence to the hardships you endured to reach where you are today.

"Yes, but you showed me that not all men are the same," you replied softly, your voice tinged with gratitude.

He gently squeezed your hands, turning to face you with a serious expression. "And I won't stop showing you. I promise I'll be different from your father and every other man you've encountered. I'll protect you and your family as if they were my own. I'll strive to be the best husband to you and father to our future child. You'll never have to suffer alone again. I'm here for you," he whispered, his forehead resting against yours.

You chuckled softly through your tears, nodding in response. "That's amusing… I don't recall agreeing to be your wife just yet. What are you talking about, Choi San?"

He let out a playful whine, "Hey! You—wait... you said 'yet' though, so that means... you will eventually, right?" he asked hopefully.

Teasingly, you stuck your tongue out at him before turning and running away. But deep down, you knew that no matter how far you went, he would always be there to catch you.

Of course, you idiot.

Holy crap, I was gone for like 2 weeks and I return to 1.85k+ followers?! ASDFGHJKL thank you all so much😭

Anyway, I hope this was decent, y'all... I swear, I didn't plan for this part to be so freaking long HAHA but I just felt like it would take quite a bit for her hatred to turn into love hehe I hope the ending didn't feel rushed or anything :3

As always, thank you for reading and let me know your thoughts! ❤️

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All Rights Reserved © edenesth // DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE, PLAGIARISE OR REPURPOSE.

[a-spes]

Hi I was rereading devious lies and I was thinking ab if nat and yn were to meet again and everything, yn would have the biggest trust issued ever. First her best friend took advantage of her and ruined her life, then the ones she considered family turned their backs on her without even letting her explain her side, and ofc how her lover shouted in her face that she's not welcome there anymore and how yn shouldn't even talk with her anymore ever. How the last time the team looked at her it was with anger and dissapointment That and also from the first part where she herself admitted to feeling like a stranger amongst her once friends and family.

Idk what you have in store for us for when you're feeling better and out of the writing block that you're currently experiencing, but I can't wait to read it. Take as long as you need, we're here!

˚ 　 ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✦ ⁺ ₊ 　 ˚ 　. ˚ . 　 ☁ . 　　. 　 ˚ 　⁺ ₊ ⁺ ✦ 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖘𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖘 𝖎𝖓 𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖘 ₊ . 　 ˚　. ✧ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ ˚　 . ⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　 . 　  ˚　 ⁺ ₊ ˚

₊ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ 　˚　 . 　⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　　 . 　  ˚ ˚ 　. ☁ ˚ 　. ˚ 　 ✩ ₊ ˚ . ☾ ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✧   　　˚ ⁺

˚　 . ⤳ DEVIOUS LIES — Bonus part, 'the scars in our hearts' (6.280 words).

⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✧ ⤳ SUMMARY — Anon request — “ It has been years since the events, and when you eventually got the chance to go back with them, you thought everything would be the way it used to be. except it wasn't. three years, almost four, is a lot of time, and the people you used to know and the building you called your home do not feel the same anymore. Maybe you've been gone for too long to hope to find a place in their new life. ”

. ☁ ˚ ⤳ TAGS & WARNINGS — Natasha Romanoff x Reader, Avenger!Reader, Female!Reader, Other Avengers x Reader (brief mention of them). Bittersweet, (kind of) angst with comfort. Self-doubt, mental health issues, mention of bad coping mechanisms, toxic relations.

˚ . ⤳ MOODBOARD ⊱⋆⊰ MASTERLIST ⊱⋆⊰ TO SAY SOMETHING ✦ Part one. Part two. Part three. ⊱⋆⊰ the scars in our hearts.

˚ 　 ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✦ ⁺ ₊ 　 ˚ 　. ˚ . 　 ☁ . 　　. 　 ˚ 　⁺ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ ˚　 . ⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　 . 　  ˚　 ⁺ ₊

You’ve been told that you just needed a bit of time to adjust, because you come a long way, but they didn’t say how long ‘a bit of time’ was. So the months passed, they soon became years, and if you’ve still made no progress, you kept hoping. Every day, you repeat yourself that you only need ‘a bit more of time’ and that, soon, with just a little extra effort, everything will eventually be fine. 

Except that you’ve never been a patient person.

They made it sound easy. They made you believe that everything would go back to the way it used to be in weeks, and you’ve fallen for their sweet words because you were craving for them to be true. You have dreamed of that moment, and every day you’ve spent far from them was spent thinking about the day they would ask you to come back. It is a little fantasy you’ve been holding on to for the past few years, but the tears, hugs, and excuses you’ve spent hours to imagine never became a reality. No, you only got silent glances.

It has been almost three years since you came back, and it still wasn’t enough. Sometimes, you think about letting go of that dream of yours, the one that makes you believe that things could still get back to normal, even when nothing was —; but how could you do something like that? How could you possibly think about abandoning them again when they’ve been willing to give you a second chance? You weren’t ready yet to accept that the home you’ve been longing to return didn’t feel like it anymore, at least not without first trying your hardest to make things right. Thus you kept pushing yourself a bit more everyday, at the cost of your health — which seemed a very small price to pay in exchange for the feeling of being at home again.

Two years is not a lot of time in a human life but these years still felt like an eternity to you, and you’ve never been so aware of how long they have been as when you came back, realizing the gap that had opened up between you and the others. Your life has fallen apart that day, leaving you with such small pieces of yourself that you weren’t able to rebuild on your own —; but them? It is as if they’ve lost nothing. They’ve spent those two years building a life in which you’ve never existed, one that you are now supposed to find a place in. Every day is just a painful reminder of what you have lost, and will never get back despite your hopes. Your dream slipped away just when you touched it with your fingertips.

You have to accept that you are not a part of the system anymore, you are just the pebble that derails the machine, and that ruins everything —; but you should be used to it, shouldn’t you? To that feeling of shame and sorrow that your heart has been carrying for years, that feeling of failure and permanent disappointment.

Some nights, out of habit, you push the wrong door, and you find yourself in the room you used to share with Natasha. Once full of life, it had now become austere. Yet, there is something comforting about being in that room full of old memories, it is a bittersweet feeling that’s both like a heartbreak and a warm hug. You've never been much of a drinker, or at least you've always been careful enough not to get wasted. But you’ve made an exception tonight, because everything seemed to be too much, and you wouldn’t have survived the party if you hadn’t drowned everything in alcohol.

It is the way they kept laughing that got on your nerves, jealousy rising inside of you every time a new joke was told that you couldn’t understand “because you weren’t here” —; but Wanda wasn’t here either, and yet, she laughed along with them, why? Because she hasn’t lost her place with them, she is still a part of the family. They promised that they would tell their stories and explain their jokes later, because it was too long to do it now, but you were aware that it was just a lie to give you the impression that you weren’t on the sidelines.

It wasn’t very effective.

They spent the whole night telling stories that you couldn’t understand and sharing jokes you couldn’t laugh at, and while they remembered things that you didn’t have a chance to live by their side, giving you an overview of all the things you’ve missed, you were silently sitting on the couch, trying to ignore the knot in your throat. You didn’t even try to take part in the conversation —; what could you possibly have said anyway? You are not sure they would have wanted to hear about how miserable your life was when you were gone, how lonely and desperate you’ve been during these years. It would be an admission that you missed them, needed them.

Instead you kept your attention on the bottles of alcohol, at least they would never let you down —; that’s the advantage when the parties are organized by someone like Tony: you will never run out of booze. You were so uninvolved in what was going on around you, that you missed the worried glances that Natasha and Wanda shared, and they didn’t need to talk to understand each other, to know that they both had the same concerns.

Everyone does, but you’ve made it clear in your first few weeks back that you didn’t want their pity. There was no comfort in the way they looked at you and, quickly, their presence became too much. They were always there, never letting you completely alone despite the appearance and trying to meet your needs before you could even ask, pretending that they knew better than you do —; but they don’t. They have no idea of what you need, because how could they when you’re not even sure yourself?

The loneliness you’ve asked for isn’t more comforting, but at least it comes with familiar feelings, some that you’ve learned how to deal with the past few years. On the contrary, you still hadn’t gotten used to their presence, and you had no idea of how to deal with these contradictory feelings that were starting to grow inside of yourself. While a part of you wanted to lean in their embrace, the other rejected their overwhelming affection. A way of protecting yourself that won out, taking the form of uncontrolled anger and, after days of being yelled at and random objects being thrown at their faces, they’ve eventually got the hint that they should let you alone.

They’ve given up on you —; but that’s exactly what you wanted, isn’t it? 

You can’t be sure, but you are trying to convince yourself that it is better that way. You’re not worth the trouble, and they definitely can’t spend all their energy trying to save you when people are actually dying outside. You would be fine, you would get through it —; right? Because that’s what you’ve always done, and there is no reason that this time would be any different —; you are strong, with or without them by your side. You just need a little bit of time for your scars to heal and then, everything will be back the way it used to be. 

Except that, despite the appearances, those thoughts never really left your mind. Sometimes, you think about your return and what would have happened if they hadn’t found you that day —; maybe everything would have been easier. For you, sure, but also for them. You are not even sure they would have accepted your return if they had a choice —; you wouldn’t have. At least when you weren't there, there wasn't that constant tension that now reigned over the tower, one that followed you into every room you set foot in. 

So you’ve made a decision —; you would rebuild yourself without them. You would make a new name for yourself, a new life, even if it means leaving them behind. There is this growing will deep inside you, the one that feeds off your anger and jealousy, and it’s the one to get your revenge. You want them to suffer as much as you have, to realize what they’ve done, and regret every of their actions. You want them to crawl back at your feet, begging for your forgiveness because you are tired of being the only one to make efforts.

You have waited so long for them to say or do the right thing, but the moment has never come because they can’t possibly understand your situation, let alone knowing what you really need to get better —; how could they when you ignore it too? Nothing feels right anymore. You have tried a lot of things but nothing works. Your life is now like a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces refuse to fit together. There is no way to make things go back the way they were, you could only keep on pretending. 

And so you did, locking yourself into a routine. Each day you alternate between training, going on missions or attending meetings, leaving yourself little free time. This hectic schedule has the advantage of allowing you to avoid the presence of others and keeping you from thinking too much while making you more efficient —; it is perfect, isn’t it? It is, most of the time but, some days, the illusion falters, and the facade you’ve built shatters, revealing the truth you are trying to hide.

That’s how you found yourself stumbling into your old bedroom, the one that now smells of dust, desperate for some comfort and familiarity. You didn’t even make it to the bed, falling miserably asleep on the carpet —; you didn’t have the strength to get up when you tripped over your own feet, too drunk to take more than a few clumsy steps.

⊱ ★ ⊰

There is only one person in the team who is willing to give you the space you asked for without agreeing to give up on you yet —; and it is Natasha.

You may not notice it, but the woman has always been here for you since you came back to live with them. It must be said that her gestures are minute, almost imperceptible, but they always manage to draw a slight smile on your lips without you realizing it —; she was perfectly aware that if you knew it was from her, you would start hating on those little things that made your daily life at the tower a little sweeter.

She is the one who always accidentally cooks more food than she needed, making sure there was always a portion waiting for you in the fridge. She is the one who makes sure that your favorite cutlery is always clean. She is the one who buys your favorite flowers to put them in the common room’s vase and never lets them fester. She is the only one who has taken the time to make you feel at home with a bunch of details that are so insignificant that you’ve barely noticed them.

But at least it helped soothe the guilt her heart carried, because these actions are proof that she was fulfilling the promises she had made to you a long time ago, in the secrecy of the night, under a starry sky, whispered words that has been immediately blown away by the wind —; “I’ll always be there for you,” she had said. “Promise?” you’ve asked, your eyes full of hope. “Promise,” she had replied before your lips touched, sealing the contract.

One she broke years ago, when she dragged you out of the tower without letting you a chance to explain yourself. The woman is perfectly aware that flowers and some meals won’t be enough to earn your forgiveness, but she still made it her mission to look after you from afar —; because if she doesn’t, who would? You don’t let anyone get close to you, and the others haven’t looked any further, giving up at the first sign of trouble. She doesn’t blame you for not trusting her, or the other members of the team, she just wishes that you would accept at least one of their helping hands. 

But you’ve rejected everyone. 

Even Wanda, with whom you seemed, at one time, to be getting on well which had given the redhead hope. Those hopes had been shattered the day you violently pushed the witch away without any clear explanation, and the woman blames herself for that, for not knowing what to do in order to help you —; because she should know, right? That’s her role, the promise she had made years ago.

If she can’t, if no one can, what will you become?

You may be able to fool everyone, including yourself, into thinking that you are fine, but you won’t get her to fall for your little tricks. She knows the truth. She can see it in your fake smiles, she can read it in your tired eyes. She knows you by heart, she hasn’t forgotten those years spent by your side, and she has become a master at spotting your bad habits and the sublet signs that accompany them. 

So, tonight, she couldn't have possibly missed how firm your grip has been on the bottles of alcohol, nor how quiet you've been the whole time. But it is only when she saw the door to your old bedroom ajar that she understood the extent of your pain. You were hitting rock bottom, you would have never set foot in this room full of memories otherwise. She knew this because she, too, avoided it like the plague, and hadn’t dared return in it since that day, not even to empty it. For five years, it had remained the same.

The woman is willing to give you the space you asked for as long as you are taking care of yourself, it is the silent promise she made, but it is obvious that you have failed to do so lately as she has seen you slowly falling back into your old habits. The ones she thought you had left behind, the ones she had helped you to overcome years ago. She is ready to accept that you could build a life without her, it is a cost worth paying if it’s the one to your happiness, but you haven’t built anything lately. Nor have you been happy, and she couldn’t bear anymore the sight of you destroying yourself, again.

The redhead is tired of the situation. She is annoyed that everyone is playing your games by pretending that everything is fine because it only encourages you down this dangerous path, one that may cost your life one day. She is angry with anyone who takes the easy way out, because it is obvious that it is easier to act as if all that history belonged to the past rather than acknowledge their mistakes.

At first, she had agreed to play along, but it was only because she thought that it was what you needed and that, when you were ready, you would talk to them. Except that it has been a bit more than two years, almost three, since they brought you back, and you still haven’t told a word about it. The woman didn’t know how long she would be able to put up with your silence on this story and your obvious discomfort.

But it seems that the sight of you asleep on the dusty carpet of the room you once shared was the last straw for the woman who decided to step in. You are probably going to hate her tomorrow, but she doesn’t care —; she is not even sure you could possibly hate her more than you already do. She would rather know that you are safe, even if it means losing you a little more so she decides to call your name multiple times.

It is the sound of her voice who wakes you up. It doesn’t matter how deeply asleep you were because you can’t ignore her when she practically screams out your name, and you are inevitably roused from your slumber. When you opened your eyes, a growl escaping your lips to signal your displeasure, all you could see was a blurred figure with red hair that could only belong to one person. One you could recognize anywhere.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked, a mixture of annoyance and concern tinged her voice, but you weren’t aware enough of your surroundings to notice it. Maybe if your hand hadn’t been so heavy on the alcohol, then you would have noticed the tone of her voice.

‘I am sleeping, can’t you see?’ you grumbled, but as soon as the words escaped your mouth, the frustration was replaced by a laugh —; this question was stupid, you realize. Isn’t she supposed to be a trained spy, and one of the best, too? Then why couldn’t she see what was right in front of her? Something that obvious? 

Maybe she doesn’t know either because your question is followed by silence. Her only answer has been to sigh and pinch the bridge of her nose. It was going to be a long night, she already knew it, but wasn’t sure she had the energy to deal with that.

‘Come here,’ you said when the woman didn’t react. Your words were accompanied by the gesture of grabbing her arm in order to pull her toward you, the woman losing her balance because of the surprise. 

Since she had found you, you had never asked for her presence. On the contrary, you had rejected and hated her. At best, you would tolerate her presence, but only when your job didn’t give you a choice, and so this sudden change in your behavior disconcerted her, especially the laugh that escaped your lips when she fell on top of you —; it is a sound that she has never thought she would hear again. So pure, so sincere.

‘Get up,’ she coldly says, not amused at all by your little games. If circumstances had been different, she probably would have found your attitude endearing and stayed a little longer in your arms. Except there was nothing healthy about this sudden closeness after months of hatred, so the woman immediately got up, inviting — ordering — you to do the same —; the sooner she puts you to bed, the sooner she can get back to hers.

Tonight, she had no patience. The woman was exhausted, and frustrated —; you weren’t the only one to suffer from the situation. She knows that your clinging state is just an illusion, the result of the alcohol you’ve ingested, and that the very next day you’re going to hate her again. If she wanted nothing more than to believe everything would be okay now, and to find comfort in your arms, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not when she knew she would lose it all again at sunrise. This scene is only a chimera, a reminder of what she had lost several years earlier as the result of her own actions.

If anything happens tonight, you would both regret it. Nothing can come from the actions of two tipsy and exhausted people. Except that your mind wasn’t clear enough to realize it, and all you could think about in that moment was how you were craving for Natasha’s attention. You wanted her to wrap her arms around you and whisper that everything will be fine now, because she is here. You wanted her to promise to never let you down, again. Even if it is a lie. Even if, one day, she will abandon you again —; because that’s what they all do despite the promises, isn’t it? At that moment, you didn’t care about the lies, you just wanted something to hold onto, just an ounce of comfort.

‘I caaaaaan’t,’ you whined, but you didn’t even try to do so. When you stretch out your arms towards the redhead, she gets the hint that you’re expecting her to help you, which she does. The woman knows how stubborn you can be so she grabs your hands and pulls you on your feet, sighing.

Except that you seem to find the idea of testing the limits of her kindness particularly amusing because you make no effort to pull yourself upright, or to stand on your feet —; or maybe you were just that wasted. You’re barely standing when you fall forward, leaving no choice to the woman who has to catch you before you hit the ground.

‘Got you,’ you whispered, a grin on your face, when you felt her arms around your waist.

The thought of dropping you crossed her mind, but all she did was to playfully roll her eyes. The woman should be annoyed by the situation —; right? But how could she when you are so adorable? It has been a long time since she last saw such a peaceful expression on your face. Your eyes were half closed, you looked as if you were about to fall asleep in her arms, and there was a faint smile on your lips. You seemed so content, nestled in her arms with your cheek pressed against her chest, that she hardly dared to move, fearing to break this well-deserved moment of peace. For a moment, it was as if nothing had happened, and the sorrow on your face had dissipated, giving way to a childlike insouciance —; a sight that made her heart melt.

You are the one who broke the silence first.

‘I’ve missed you..,’ you whispered. A confession so unexpected that the woman is not sure if she had understood your words. When her eyes looked down, searching for yours, you hadn’t moved, your eyes still closed. It was almost as if you hadn’t spoken, and that the words had been nothing more than a figment of her imagination. 

‘Me too,’ she softly replied and, maybe, if you had opened your eyes at that moment, you would have noticed the tears that clouded hers — but you couldn’t do that, because you don’t want her to see the tears that you are trying to hold back, right? The one that would just run down your cheeks the moment you open your eyes. 

‘Please, stay with me tonight,’ you asked —; no, you begged. You’ve lifted your head until your eyes finally meet hers, both were shining with the tears that threatened to fall —; you are the first one to give in.

The mere thought of Natasha leaving you was enough to shatter your last ramparts. You have just regained her embrace, you don’t want to be forced to leave her now, not after so many years of hoping to regain the comfort you thought you had lost forever. You have been too stubborn to admit that you needed help, and so you’ve spent years pushing everyone away, thinking that you didn’t deserve their affection. It has been so long that you can’t even remember the last time someone held you this way, with such delicacy and care.

It gave you hope. The one that, maybe, for at least one night, things could be the way they used to be —; just tonight, or even just a few hours. You just want that moment to last a little longer, you don’t want to spend another night alone in your bed, in your cold and austere bedroom with a depressing atmosphere. You want more than that, you want a reason to stay, a reason to try again, and to get up tomorrow —; you want Natasha back. You want your old life back.

Except that the woman won’t give in. It is not that she doesn’t want to, on the contrary, she shares the same wishes that you, but her mind is clear, and she knows that nothing good would come out of it —; you can’t get back to what you used to have. You can’t change the past, nor can you pretend it doesn’t exist.

‘I can’t..,’ she softly replied after a second of silence that marked her hesitation, ‘you know that baby, we both,’ she added, the nickname naturally escaping her lips when she noticed that more tears were threatening to fall from your eyes. 

She wants to say yes, you can read it in her eyes, hear it in her silences —; then why doesn’t she say it? Why does she keep pushing you away when you are eventually ready for her to be back? Isn’t what she has wanted when she spent all those months begging you to accept her help? It is, but she didn’t want it that way, she didn’t want to take advantage of a moment of weakness on your part. She wanted to earn your forgiveness, to show you that you could trust her again, and if she had to work every day until she dies to achieve that goal, then she would do it. 

‘Why not?’ you immediately asked back, ‘you are here, and so am I, and- and our bed is waiting for us,’ you started rambling. You couldn’t speak clearly, the words racing through your head as you tried to convince her, but you knew it was a losing battle. You were so desperate that your hands clung tightly to the fabric of her shirt, as if it could be enough to stop her from leaving. ‘Please,’ you begged once more when she didn’t react. At this point, your voice was nothing more than a broken whisper, ‘just for tonight, we could pre~’ 

‘Pretend that nothing has happened?’ she softly asked, finishing your sentence, and all you could do was nodding. ‘But you know we can’t do that baby,’ she said, hating the way you were looking at her with so much hope, as if you thought that one night in her arms could ease all your problems —; but it can’t. It won’t. 

As she talks, one of her hands tucks a lock of your hair behind your ears. The touch is so gentle that you can resist, and lean into her embrace. The feeling of her hand caressing your head leaves too soon for your liking. 

‘Sometimes, I wish that we could,’ you replied, ‘that I could either forget everything, or go back in time to make everything right,’ you confided in her, sharing your thoughts with someone for the first time.

The words have barely crossed the barrier of your lips that you crumble, because you realize that this wish will never come true. You can no longer hold back your tears, you can only hide your face in the hollow of her neck, hoping she won’t see those. Only, each of your sobs shakes your body so violently that anyone could understand your state in one glance. The woman doesn’t know what to do so she cautiously wraps her arms around you and cradles your body in an attempt to sooth your sobs —; it’s the least she can do.

‘You’ve done nothing wrong, love, nothing was your fault,’ she whispered, and you can hear that her voice is feverish —; she, too, is holding back tears. She can’t bear to see you like this. ‘I am sorry, so sorry,’ she added while she rocks you slowly. Those words weren’t for tonight, and how she had to refuse your proposal, but they were for everything that has happened since that day. Those excuses were for all the things she has done or said since but, most importantly, for all the things she didn’t have the courage to do and the ones she couldn’t. 

⊱ ★ ⊰

The following morning, you’re woken up by Jarvis, his voice echoing through the room, terribly loud and impossible to ignore. A grunt escapes your lips, you were hoping for a few more hours of sleep —; or best, for an eternal slumber. The night before, like the rest of the team, you went to bed late, and the quantities of alcohol ingested are definitely not helping with your condition because you were the victim of a terrible headache. Only, it is impossible for you to ignore Jarvis’ voice. He has been calling your name over and over again for several minutes now, trying to get the attention you are trying to not give him —; but even with your hands covering your ears, his voice would pierces your eardrums.

‘You are not answering me, miss y/n,’ he stated the obvious, ‘do you want me to warn the others that you are sick? My sensors indicate tha~’

‘Please, Jarvis, shut up,’ you mumble, still managing to be polite despite the rising frustration, and you really hope it will be enough for him to leave you alone —; but anyone who knows the AI knows that these hopes are in vain. 

Nonetheless, you have to admit that he is right about one thing: you are not feeling so good —; but who would after attending one of Stark’s parties? He always says that if your head is not sore and your throat is not burning the next day, then you haven’t enjoyed yourself enough. Surely you have enjoyed enough to last a lifetime, although you are not naive enough to swear to never touch a bottle again in your life. Yet, you’ve thought of it for an instant, the lingering nausea making you regret your actions because it gave you the unpleasant feeling that you might throw up at any time.

God, you were weak. So weak that everything was feeling too much right now, even the faint sunlight making its way into your room —; it makes you want to bury yourself alive to avoid all these sensations, and to die. Except you can’t because you have a mission that is scheduled for today and, if you don’t show up soon, they will come looking for you, which is the last thing you want. You have spent weeks preparing for that, you definitely can’t let them down now, especially not because you are just too stupid to know your limits.

You have abandoned them once, you won’t make the same mistake a second time. They won’t be so forgiving this time, no one forgives someone who does the same mistake twice —; no one gives a second chance to traitors. It has been several years since you came back, but you still feel like you are on probation and you need to prove to them that they can count on you. You can sense their hesitation to trust you, even though they insist that everything is fine —; pretending that everything is the way it used to be. It is their new favorite game, but you hate it. Y

et, you don’t have much choice but to play by their rules.

‘Are you sure? Becaus~’ 

‘I said, shut. the. fuck. UP!’ you yelled, not giving him to finish his sentence, already reaching the limits of your patience, ‘what’s so difficult to understand in those two words?’ you growled in frustration, and you can’t help but throw a pillow at the walls. The gesture is useless because it doesn’t even manage to ease the tension you feel, nor does it convince Jarvis that he needs to stop talking because he starts lecturing you about your actions. 

Actually, the only way you have found to shut him up was to get up and join the others for breakfast. Fortunately, only Tony and Steve were there. They are the ones you are going on mission with today, and that’s what they were talking about before you entered the room.  Even though you would rather stay alone, talking about missions is something you can do with little effort because it is easy. You need your brain, but you can turn off your emotions. You do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing or how to avoid an uncomfortable silence. It is familiar, and comforting. It has been a while since you've been sitting at this table talking about something else —; when you are not talking about work, you stay silent. It seems that you have forgotten how to interact with them during those years. 

As they go through the details of the mission one last time, you are playing with your breakfast, not interested in the oat flakes floating in your milk, nor in their voices that forms a dull hum in the background, their words not even reaching your ears —; because you are thinking, your eyebrows furrowed with worry. Except that your state isn’t caused by the reasons they think it is, neither the alcohol nor the mission are in your mind, only a certain spy with whom you shared a moment last night. One you would rather forget because the simple thought of the thing you have said, and done, is enough to fill you with rage and embarrassment.

‘Hi to the moon, here the earth,’ Tony said, snapping his fingers in front of your face to get your attention, ‘were you even listening to us?’ he sighed, but you don’t notice any annoyance in his voice. Only a sickening worry that you can read in his eyes, a feeling that he doesn’t share and doesn’t hide very well. You hate it, when they look at you that way, as if you could break at any moment, as if they needed to be careful —; but you can take it. You can take everything, and you definitely do not need their permanent protection. 

‘No, sorry, I was lost in my thoughts,’ you admitted, giving him a smile that I hoped to be convincing enough to reassure him.

‘Do not worry, everything is going to be fine, okay? We will be here to make sure of that,’ Steve intervened, trying to reassure you about what he thought was the cause of your worries, but his tone didn’t feel comforting to you. If anything, it made you grit your teeth and clench your hand harder around your spoon, increasing your irritation. You don’t really know why, but Steve has been the hardest to get along with since you have come back, maybe it is because of his seemingly false sympathy. 

‘Thank you,’ you managed to mumble, even though you don’t really mean it —; it was still better than the snide comment that made its way in your mind. You even made the effort to smile, one that anyone could see as fake, but not Steve, because he never really pays attention to the others.

The words burn on the tip of your tongue, and you have to bite it to not shout out to him what you are really thinking. You want nothing more than to tell him that you are as capable as anyone around this table. You have proven yourself over the last few months, succeeding in every mission they have given you, what more do you need to do for them to have faith in your abilities again? Reach for the moon? Because you are ready to do it if that’s the price to pay. You are desperate enough to do anything they would ask. 

In reality, you are not worried at all about the upcoming mission because that is not a possibility. You don’t fail, ever, and if you need to give pieces of yourself and mind in order to complete a mission, then you are ready to do it without flinching. 

No, your thoughts were occupied by something else —; or someone else. Something that was more difficult to manage because there is no guide to follow. This person is Natasha, and the cause of your worries is the moment you shared last night because you have no explanation for what happened —; you thought she hated you, and that you hated her. Aren’t you both supposed to despise each other for the pain you’ve caused? Then why do some of you still yearn for her presence? Why didn’t she reject you and, instead, decided to take care of your mess? This even wasn’t meant to be. The redhead is the last person that should have witnessed you in such a vulnerable state, and yet she is the one you have sought attention from, the only one you needed last night —; and you hate that. You hate how your feelings are still the same even after so many years.

That is exactly why, the second the woman that is haunting your thoughts stepped in the room, you left it, pretending that you needed to get ready for the mission. There is no way that the way you walked out of the room, leaving your untouched breakfast behind you, didn’t bring questions to their minds but you were long gone before any of them could say something.

˚ 　 ⋆ ⁺ ₊ ✦ ⁺ ₊ 　 ˚ 　. ˚ . 　 ☁ . 　　. 　 ˚ 　⁺ ⁺ ✦ ₊　 　 ☁ ˚　 . ⁺ ₊ ✧ ˚　 . 　  ˚　 ⁺ ₊

˚ . ⤳ MOODBOARD ⊱⋆⊰ MASTERLIST ⊱⋆⊰ TO SAY SOMETHING ✦ Part one. Part two. Part three. ⊱⋆⊰ the scars in our hearts.

. ☁ ˚ ⤳ TAG LIST — @cd-4848, @chocolatestrawberrykryptonite, @escapereality4music, @fxckmiup, @gemz5, @jusnough, @m0nsterqzzz, @marvelwomenarehot0, @mrsrushman, @riyaexee, @takeyaki, @taliiiaasteria.

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TWICE - Reaction to S/O Cuddling A Plushie (Requested!)

A/N: We're back to two uploads a week since I'm trying to clear my WIP before December 1st! I want to take a small hiatus for the week before and of exams plus I can spend time with family and friends for a bit without having a bunch of stress and extra responsibilities.

Also, to the lovely anon that requested this since I no longer have that request - I am so happy that my works bring you peace and happiness. I know what it’s like to go through rough periods, trust me, I’ve been through my fair share. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I promise the future will be so much better than your present. I can’t promise that the road will be easy, or that you won’t want to give up, but stick it out, okay? My writing will always be here for you to enjoy, and I’m so glad I could bring you some peace of mind during a rough part of your life. Wishing you all the love and joy that the world can possibly bring your way. <3

TW: None!

♡ Masterlist ♡

100% teases you by pretending to be jealous

“Ah, well, I guess I’ll just have to find someone else to cuddle since you’re busy.” 

She blushes like crazy when you pull her into your arms along with your plushie

“Yah, I was joking, baby!”

Completely unbothered by the presence of a stuffed animal

Happily accepts the cuddles, and she gives your stuffed animal a boop on the nose in approval

She may tease you about it if you’re okay with it

“Do you mind if I hold you as well, or are you a little too… preoccupied at the moment?”

Otherwise she’ll wrap an arm around you and stare at you lovingly as you hold your plushie

“You’re adorable, honey. Have I ever told you that?”

Definitely does not notice until she’s in your arms and feels the plushie digging into her back

“What are you poking me fo- Oh, it’s your plushie!”

Will apologize to said plushie or the guilt will eat at her all day

“I’m so sorry! I really didn’t mean to hurt you!”

Will hold the plushie along with you as long as you let her do so

Immediately pulls out her phone and starts taking pictures

“Smile, my love!”

And then she sets the photo as her screensaver and your contact photo

Will want to get in on the cuddles with said plushie

“You’ll let me cuddle with the two of you, right?”

It warms her heart to see you happy, especially if you’re on edge a lot or have been going through a rough period

She won’t disturb you as you cuddle in peace, but she may check up on you if your plushie is a comfort animal for your rougher days

“Is everything alright, babe? Do you want to talk about anything?”

She’ll happily observe you and the plushie from afar unless you invite her to join… who is she to say no to that?

“Of course I’ll join you! I missed you while I was at work all day, you know, and I like when we can just relax like this.”

Her heart internally combusts as her face externally combusts

You’re too adorable for her heart to handle sometimes, but she rarely admits it

“I like seeing you happy with your plushie… it makes me happy too.”

Will buy you matching plushies for your birthday if you’re a plushie fan

“I know you like the plushie you have… but I got matching ones for us so you’ll always be with me and I’ll always be with you.”

Definitely teases you a lot and/or makes jokes

“It’s only been eight hours and I’ve been replaced… I see how it is, then.”

You know she’s joking by the way she grins and laughs when you scoff at her.

Settles by your side and lays her head on your shoulder as you hold her hand while holding your plushie

A sweet, toothy smile breaks out on her face.

“I love you so, so much, and I hope you know that.”

You are simply too cute for her to handle!

She tries to sneakily take a picture, but you catch her in the act.

“Sorry, baby! You just looked so cute with that plushie…”

Enjoys just being in the room with you while you cuddle your plushie because the sweet, soft vibes cannot be replicated when Chaeyoung is by herself

She leans against the doorframe and just… observes with a lovesick smile.

Your child-like glee really comes out when you cuddle your plushie, and if you rarely show that side of you off, Tzuyu just wants to enjoy that part of you while it’s present.

“Do you mind if I join you, love?”

You invite her to sit next to you, and you place one of her hands on the plushie as she plays with your hair with her free hand.

She’s mostly quiet while enjoying the moment with you, but she will talk to you if you want to talk with her.

[jangofettjamz]

Overwhelming

Jenna Ortega x Autistic!Male!Reader

Summary: Your were nervous about going to the Scream 6 premiere, but it turned out to be a lot of fun... until it wasn't.

Words: 1993

3rd Person POV

The premiere for scream 6 was but a few hours away. Tensions rose as Y/N tried to prepare himself for the event, despite being an actor he has very secluded and did not enjoy the limelight as much as his fellow peers.

He had been trying to muster up the courage to become more socially involved in his work such as: going to interviews, late night shows, going to dinner with directors etc. Unfortunately, It just seemed for too difficult.

However, this time was different. He was going to try this time; to attend a premiere. He knew this would be no easy feat, the camera flashes alone would overstimulate him into madness but he was determined, scared but determined nonetheless.

His girlfriend and co-star, Jenna Ortega has been helping him to confront his fear of social interaction through love and support. She had studied his language and helped him navigate in a world that didn't understand him.

Y/N has also made a life long friend in Mikey Madison, who also happened to be close with Jenna. Though she never was on the set of scream 6 due to her character dying in the previous film, she remained close with the cast and crew and treated him as an equal.

Y/N, although adamant in his choice to attend the premiere, was still absolutely terrified at the thought of hundreds of people in one space wanting him to sign autographs, take photos and pose on the red carpet. It made him feel ill.

Jenna was his shield from everything. She promised to protect him from the cameras, should he not want his photo taken. She promised to protect him from the hyper fans who have little regard for personal space.

"Alright sweetie, I've got all your stuff in my bag: stim toys, plushie and snacks if you need one. If you need a break or want to leave just tell me, your comfort is my number one priority."

One problem; Jenna didn't pack the headphones and Y/N was too stressed to even remember them aswell. The noise would likely send Y/N spiralling.

"Jenna how many people are gonna be there?"

"Atleast a thousand people honey" she says sadly knowing that this was going to be tough for Y/N.

"We don't have to go you know, we can just chill here for the night." She suggests not really thinking of the consequences that could have on her career.

"Wouldn't you get in trouble?" Y/N asks but imm receives an answer.

"I don't care, as long as your comfortable it's worth it" she states making Y/N feels warm inside, like a scarf wrapping him up in the cold winter but on the inside.

"It'll be fine Jen', we're all ready to go now anyway so there's no point in backing out now." He reassures making her form a toothy smile.

"Besides I know how much this movie means to you and I wanna make you happy aswell." She approached him with loving intent.

She placed a hand on his cheek. "Can i kiss you?" She asked, knowing he doesn't like spontaneous kisses without permission. He nods and she kisses him lovingly which he reciprocates, light pink blush painting his cheeks.

Their private car soon arrived and they made their way to premiere. Y/N was on edge, he wasn't as excited so much as he was nervous.

Jenna held his hand rubbing soothing circles with her thumb and he put his head on her shoulder as she held him tight around his waist for the rest of the car journey.

-

The premiere was more packed than usual, containing around 2230 people; far more than they anticipated. The movie drew more hype than Y/N and Jenna thought possible, some just there to see Jenna.

This troubled Y/N, yes he had prepared to undertake an entire crowd but not to this extent. Jenna could sense his fear as if she was some sort of telepath and held his hand tight.

He started to stim by clicking him fingers and tapping him knees, though seemed futile as the feeling of overstimulation didn't seem to falter.

"Y/N/N, do you need your stim toys?" He nodded violently, starting to sweat as the noises from outside became more irritable.

She grabbed a fidget cube for him to play with for as long as he needed until they had to walk onto the red carpet. He slowly leaned back into her shoulder and she held him tightly again, placing feather light kisses on his scalp.

"Remember, we can always leave if you want." She reminded him wanting to make feel as safe as possible.

"I'm gonna be with you the entire time okay, Mikey's gonna be there too and she'll protect you aswell; we both will I promise." He nodded and took deep breaths while Jenna rubbed soothing circles on his back.

He took one final deep breaths before opening the door of the car and out into wilderness of: fans, paparazzi, reporters and fellow actors. He was gonna hate this.

He instantly grabbed a hold of Jenna's hand and she squeezed tightly letting him know that she's there. Fans wanted to Jenna to sign stuff for them, but she made it a point that she's putting his comfort first, much to their dismay.

"Let's go find the others okay, I heard Jack's here aswell and I know how much you two get along." Jack Quaid visited set often in vancouver when he wasn't Filming for The Boys and the two of them clicked because of their shared nerdiness.

Jenna and Y/N made their way up the red carpet and were called for an interview by Vanity Fair. Y/N considered his options, he could either do this interview with Jenna by his side and be extremely uncomfortable or walk away and still be extremely uncomfortable. The choices were negligible so he figured he'd do the interview.

They walked hand in hand over to the interviewer for Vanity Fair. "Well hello you two, how are feeling about tonight's premiere." She started

Jenna was the first to respond. "I'm so excited, I can't wait for everyone to see this film we worked so hard on it and I think fans are gonna be very satisfied with what we've created." She says smiling.

"Y/N L/N so lovely to see you at the premiere, how was filming with veteran talent like Courtney Cox and Hayden Panettiere?"

He answers "They're very lovely people and easy to work with too. This film project is probably my favourite one I've done thus far." The interviewer asked more questions before promptly ending the interview.

"It was very lovely speaking to you two, congratulations on the movie." Jenna looks at Y/N with a proud look on her face which made Y/N's heart do cartwheels.

She cups his face making eye contact with him. "You did so well Y/N, I'm so proud of you for getting through that interview. You should be proud of yourself too."

Y/N kisses her on the cheek thankful for her words of encouragement, he felt elated on this new found confidence, he wanted to do more and that's exactly what he did.

"Y/N/N!!!" He heard and he saw Mikey and immediately tackled her into a hug. She had become a very good friend to him.

"I'm so glad you came, you having fun?" She asked and he was indeed having a good time.

"Yeah you know what, I think I am having fun." He said with a wide grin.

Everything went great, he did more interviews, conversed with his co-stars and even took a few pictures with fans. He was having a good time... until he wasn't.

The next interview he did was with Fox News and they did not hold back on their questions. He and Jenna both went up to talk with them.

"Hello Miss Ortega and Mr L/N, how's you're evening?" she starts "It's going great, we're having a wonderful night" Y/N answers with tremendous enthusiasm, which will be snuffed out soon.

"Y/N is it true you have spaz attacks when people are screaming on set?" He was confused, Jenna was pissed.

"I'm sorry?" He says politely but still confused. "We heard that you have spaz attacks on set, it would be really unprofessional if you did you know." Now he was annoyed "spaz attacks" who does she think she is?

"I don't have meltdowns on set, or "spaz attacks" as you call them when people scream on set. The screaming is on script so why would I complain? Has anyone ever told you you're extremely unprofessional and terrible at your job?" He says, his voiced laced with venom.

Jenna snickered, she was proud of him for taking a stand for himself, plus she thought is was hot. But that confidence soon faded.

The interviewer says under her breath "Yeah well atleast I'm not a retarded spaz like you" just low enough for the camera's not to pick up but Y/N and Jenna heard it well. Jenna was PISSED.

Suddenly Y/N felt his confidence diminish, the voices around him became louder, the camera flashes became more irritable, creating spots in his vision. He could practically hear all the clicks and cracks coming from each of the cameras as they snap photos.

The colors around him became more and more irritable to look at; too bright so he clamped his eyes shut. The voices and music hammered his ears drums, he held his hands to his ears and started to hyperventilate, thoat closing up in the process. He was having a meltdown.

Jenna saw this and instantly whisked him away from the crowd and into the theatre, they found a quiet corner and begun their techniques. She searched through her bags only to find that his headphones weren't there, he started to panic.

He babbled uncontrollably, he needed his headphones to block the noise. She pulled out her headphones that she carried with her 24/7 and moved his hands and put them over his head; noise cancelling too so that helped.

Once she put her headphones on his head she began to speak. "Honey, can I hold you?" She says, her voice quiet and muffled due to the headphones but he nodded nonetheless.

"We're gonna rock okay?" She says and he nods they begin to sway side to side. His head was in her chest and her head on the top of his, she was his safe space and he was so thankful.

After a few minutes he took the headphones off, but was still feeling non-verbal. Jenna continued her rocking as she began to speak.

"What she said was bullshit, you know that don't you?" He shrugged in response. "Sweetie, you're not a spaz or retarded or whatever horrible words she called you, she's just a bitch and she will be dealt with, believe me."

He nodded against her chest. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, buddy. I hope you didn't regret coming here." He shook his head, he didn't regret it and he had fun.

She pulled something out of her bag. "Here, I've got your ghostface plush. You wanna take him with you while we watch the film?" He nodded and they made their way into the screening.

They sat down and Y/N put his head on her shoulder as she stroked his hair to keep him regulated, keeping a vice grip around his body as they watched their new movie.

In moments like these he felt safest, like no could hurt him as his girlfriend shields him from all the bad things in the world. It felt like home. She felt like home.

Despite everything that just happened, he was very happy.

[ricksanchezbignaturals]

i rewatched s7e3 and the weird sort of straight washing that happened with unity was worse than i realized in my first 1 and a half viewings. so im here to be a little bit more of a hater lol.

okay so like fuck this bitch in particular

now, i understand that unity has appeared in the comics which i haven't read so it's possible there's some lore there that idk about, but here's the deal as i understand it and why this specific alien acting like the face of unity bugs me so much. this alien is part of a species that, as of the episode in season 2, was very recently assimilated by unity. so like im not sure why there's so much focus placed on her specifically. having her act as a representative of sorts made sense in the first episode, she was a president on the newly assimilated planet that rick and the kids were visiting. but like, that's it, right? it doesn't make sense to me why she would be any more important than any of the other, what? trillions of life forms unity has under its belt? like the only reason for her to be here at all is to be recognizable to the audience, which like, fine. i think it's a little dumb, but whatever. the problem isn't having her as a symbol (personally i think it'd be cooler to not have an entity like unity tied down to being primarily represented through one body but i digress), the problem is that she's treated like more than that in this episode.

this is a part i didn't notice until my rewatch that really irked me.

these are concurrent shots from the scene when rick shows up and starts spraying unity. we see it in virginia telling rick to take it easy through the body of this human, then we see it continuing the conversation from its spaceship in the body of the alien. i am like super not a fan of the implications of that. this alien is not supposed to be unity any more than any one of my cells is me, but here it's depicted as though whenever unity does something in any of its bodies, it's coming from this lady. and like, that'd be super lame even if it wasn't an obvious womanification of a nongendered entity.

now im no english major so i don't have an elegant transition to put here, but yes, it is time to talk about pronouns. yeah yeah, ik, trans person gets hung up on pronouns, bite me okay, it's relevant. i went back and watched the first unity episode to be sure id remembered correctly, and yes, in that episode nobody uses gendered pronouns for unity. morty says "they" which seems more to be referring to a number of bodies, and other than that, people mostly say "unity" or "it". as for the new episode i noticed rick using nongendered pronouns twice

but after that he goes with she/her for the rest of the episode

and yeah, i think that is pretty disappointing. i didn't catch that "it" until my rewatch, but the use of "them" did make me really happy but then everybody started she/hering it. the combination of all that emphasis being put on a female body and people calling unity she so much makes for an episode that manages to be significantly less queer than the one that came out in 2015. it feels weirdly cowardly after that "we're all a little gay" bit in the last episode and doesn't inspire much confidence in me regarding rick's relationships with nonwomen. like stuff can be gay if it's for a joke, but there's more money on the line now than back in season 2, so rick's ex lover needed straightening up.

idk. i still like the episode because im easy and focusing on rick's mental health and relationships always makes me happy, but man, i am certainly not happy with how they handled unity. they really did it dirty, watered it down to being pretty much just another alien lady.

(also to be clear, i am not trying to shit on the writers here. obviously idk exactly what went on, but im pretty comfortable placing the blame squarely on execs)

[arc-misadventures]

hey, you are a popular Rwby stuff writer who has written many stories, so I want to ask you how from a reader to a writer, why do several people like to write that after Pyrrha, Jaune is no longer considered worthy of someone's love? more? that doesn't make any sense and I find it silly and pointless (Yes, I know we're talking about Fanfiction), Jaune Basically he only knew Pyrrha's feelings for 5 minutes before he died and for some reason that means that he suddenly considers her her love of her life and that she can't love anyone else, which seems really silly, even though Jaune had previously shown no romantic interest in her, it just doesn't make sense to me, just because Jaune found out that Pyrrha loved him. Does it mean that he can't love anyone else? I don't know, it seems very strange

I apologize if the question is stupid

I doubt that I am that popular of a writer, but to answer your question.

First off, Jaune was well aware of how, Pyrrha felt for him before that kiss. Most people like to act as if he was aware that, Pyrrha had feelings for him by the, Beacon Dance, at least he became aware of them. And, you can’t look to the part where he was trying to comfort her, and placed his hand on hers that he wasn’t aware of how she felt for him, and was testing the waters so to say the least.

If given more time, Jaune, and Pyrrha would have probably started dating. In a ‘No Fall AU’ i could see the pair start dating after the festival.

Now, as for the idea of, Jaune isn’t deserving of anyone’s love. Well, I like to see it as, Jaune is scared to fall in love again.

Take it as such, Jaune finally clued in that, Pyrrha has feelings for him, and he has feelings for her. The duo want to explore the possibility of a relationship. But, before that relationship has a chance to bloom it tragically ends.

No one forgets their first crush, I’ve learned techniques to forget my first crush, and it is a bitch to deal with. So, do you honestly think, Jaune can just move on from his first crush when she was murdered on a day that lead to the destruction of of, Beacon Academy, and then the realization that, Ozpin fed ideas to, Pyrrha’s head that lead to her death?

Does it sound like it’s an easy task to just, ‘move on?’

And, the cherry on top of it all, is that their first kiss as well as their last. Can you imagine the pain of such a kiss; A lovers kiss filled with the painful regret of a farewell?

In my opinion, Jaune doesn’t feel that he is undeserving of love. Jaune is scared to love again, because his first love was so short, and so painful that it haunted him for a long time afterwards.

Least that’s my opinion. Does that answer your question?

[haven-of-dusk]

Thoughts/theories/predictions/ideas/possible plotlines/etc. for S8

I thought I would compile these so I don't create seven or eight posts in a flurry.

Bobby/Athena: Some type of tandem storyline as part of Bobby reclaiming the 118 from Gerrard's grip where he and Athena uncover a corruption scandal in the LAFD tying to Councilwoman Ortiz, Gerrard (obviously) and others. If more plotline is needed for them after that (if it wraps up by the midseason finale for example) then I would like seeing Bobby's health issues worsen bit by bit and him struggle to be honest with the rest of the team about that. Related to that plot, perhaps have Athena learn from Harry that Michael's cancer resurfaced with a vengeance and claimed his life (it's not like we're getting Michael back on the show anytime soon considering the actor's behavior), which compiles with learning about Bobby's health and starting to worry she'll lose him too. Plus both of them spending more time with Harry.

Hen: In addition to participating in Bobby and Athena's plotline of uncovering corruption and taking down Ortiz, I'd love to see Hen become more comfortable with leadership around the 118, especially in response to Gerrard. Perhaps have something happen in the field where Hen contradicts Gerrard's orders and the rest of the team (beyond even just our main cast, the whole rest of the team) follows her orders instead of his. And subsequently when he tries to punish her, say, by trying to make her scrub the rigs by herself, he finds the entire group cleaning together, chatting, and having fun (Hen didn't ask them to help, they just did so of their own volition) Despite being enraged, Gerrard struggles to find a way to punish them since it's not like he can fire the whole house, and any punishment he tries they find a way to circumvent, with Hen leading the charge. Basically she gets to be the ringleader of the 118's internal war with Gerrard. And along the way we get more Henren home stuff and building on the connection with Mara.

Chimney: WHERE THE HELL WAS ALBERT?! I would not at all mind Chimney having an arc where he realizes he hasn't heard from Albert in a while and ends up decrypting where Albert ended up (could be as malicious or innocent as they want, anything from Albert deciding to join an Amish community temporarily while traveling the country and not having a phone while there to straight up human trafficking. Take your pic, writers). Outside of that, I want more of Chimney getting to be the Dad he never had. More of him and Jee-Yun in general. Along the way, maybe have Gerrard's treatment trigger Chimney? Situations Gerrard puts him in drag up Chimney's trauma about Kevin, something like that.

Maddie: I don't really know what I want for Maddie per se, outside of I wouldn't mind this season being her turn to not have trauma or pain. Kind of the way her brother got off easy this season. See more of her interactions with everyone, give her the occasional intense dispatch call to show off her skills, show her being happy and domestic with Chimney and Jee-Yun, all that good stuff. If we need to give her a full plotline, perhaps she could get involved if something were to happen between Buck and their parents (we'll talk about that in a sec in his section), or be a rallying point for the other plotlines whenever they need her help, or, if we wanted to go far afield from her usual stuff, perhaps have her express interest in returning to the medical field to some degree, maybe even thinking about trying to be a paramedic? Idk, I love Maddie, but I'm not certain what to do with her character at the moment outside of just letting her be happy, since she probably got the least amount of setup from S7.

Buck: What I most want from Buck, at least in the first half of the season, is to focus on how his bisexuality affects him and his mental health and let him continue to explore those emotions, perhaps with conversations with Hen, Josh, Karen, etc. As the season continues, he realizes his relationship with Tommy has...stagnated, they go on dates, they hang out occasionally, but there's just not much energy to the proceedings, so Buck thinks maybe that means it's time to propose. (This may not be going where you think it's going). So he has an episode where he goes around to Henren, Bathena, Madney, asking all of his married friends basically how they knew they wanted to get married, and while they give different, unique answers, the general takeaway is that you shouldn't feel you have to marry someone, but that you want to. That they are your forever person. And the episode ends with Buck going to look at rings...and deciding not to buy one, leaving the store looking a bit conflicted. Within a couple episodes of that, he and Tommy break up. (I would probably want it to be amicable in this scenario, to demonstrate Buck making the mature decision that he didn't have anything against Tommy, he just wasn't his forever person, but if there had to be some drama there, Tommy making a nasty comment after Buck says he wants to break up to reassure Buck's decision and leave him with no regrets. Then after that...give Buck time to realize that Tommy was, in a lot of ways, store-brand Eddie. But Buck doesn't like Eddie, right? I mean he likes him, but he doesn't like him, right? (Spoiler alert, he does)

Eddie/Chris: The first half of the season needs to be Eddie in therapy leading to Chris' return, though I would love for Chris' choice to be...borderline untethered from Eddie's plotline. Not in the way that it his absence then subsequent return has no effect on Eddie, but I think it would be good for Chris' character to have him converse with Eddie's parents, family, etc, and have him realize on his own what his father has been through and the extent to which Eddie loves him, and then the talk with Eddie is the final piece of the puzzle, not the only piece of the puzzle, if that makes sense. And I also think it's crucial that Eddie not be "cured" when Chris returns. He's still working on himself, he's still healing, but Chris is ready to be back with him and stay with him. Building on that, I think it'd be powerful for Chris to be the one to force Eddie to confront the idealized version of Shannon he's built up in his head. Even if it happens indirectly through something Chris says, it'd be powerful for them to start healing that wound together. Then once Chris is back in LA (by the second half of the season at the latest), part of Eddie's therapy arc involves him realizing piece by piece how much he's pushed the past few seasons' girlfriends away, and why, and perhaps even he runs into Ana again and finds out she has a fiancé, and they chat about finding love like that. Along the way have Eddie talk to Athena for sure, since for some reason they haven't really interacted despite her being a pretty perfect person to talk about lost loves (Bobby too, but he and Eddie have talked more than once). But all this forces Eddie to confront who he is, who he's always been, what he's been pushing down and pushing away for years, and when that arc collides with Buck realizing his feelings, the season ends with the big Buddie canonization.

I realize I went into more detail with Buck and Eddie than the others, but part of that is down to mixing their personal arcs with the 'relationship' arc which could honestly be its own section. And possibly should have been.

Every section here is compressed anyway, but part of this post's purpose is to be an organizer for my thoughts that I can add to and expand upon as more come during this hiatus (as relatively brief as it is, it will probably continue to get more and more brutal)

I can also obviously expound on something if someone wants me to...though I know that's unlikely.

[guardian-angle22]

Here is a rec list for 911LS fics directly related to episode 1.05 Studs! I try to make these as comprehensive as possible, so if you have any you think I missed let me know so I can add them.

[If you're an author and don't like to be tagged or linked for any reason, let me know and I'll remove the tag and make sure not to do so in the future, no questions asked.]

Canon Compliant:

◆ in the night (come alive) by @reyesstrand (Words: 2.1K; Rating: T)

"Well, I did have an idea," TK says, eyes bright and all-consuming. "Let's go dancing." * Missing scenes from 1x05

◆ i saved us in the night sun by @korvidkids (Words: 3.3K; Rating: G; TW: Minor Injuries)

How to date the guy you're not dating in five easy steps; a.k.a. five times TK didn't go home with Carlos (and one time he did).

◆ Take the leap by @tailoredshirt (Words: 1K; Rating: T)

"So how long has that been goin' on?" "What?" TK asked, frowning.  "How long have you and Reyes been…" Paul nodded in the direction of the bathroom Carlos had disappeared to. TK shook his head. "No, we're...we're not together. Why would you think that?" "Uh…because I got eyes in my head?" Paul said.

◆ Life's a game of inches by @paperstorm (Words: 5K; Rating: E; TW: brief discussion of transphobia & addiction)

A tag for 1x5, "Studs", in which TK has some feelings and an important conversation with Paul.

◆ believe me (you're not in love) by falloutmars (Words: 2K; Rating: M)

A 1x05 coda. TK falls asleep on a thoughtful Carlos.

◆ and now I see daylight by letmeinthewallsyouvebuiltaround (Words: 6.4; Rating: T; TW: Discussion of addiction)

Following 1x05 'Studs' - TK and Carlos take Paul out dancing to forget about his recent romantic letdown. Leaving Paul to be fawned over by the many intrigued women at the club, TK enjoys having Carlos all to himself and struggles to hide his growing feelings for the man.

◆ 'cause i've fallen far enough by lire-casander (Words: 1.3K; Rating: T)

carlos will take anything tk gives him, the crumbles of a friendship or the blinding light of his presence lightning up this club where they’ve taken paul

◆ i'll be there for you, ‘cause you’re there for me too by howtosingit (Words: 1.9K; Rating: T)

Following her accident, Carlos worries about Michelle. Luckily, he has TK at his side. + A missing moment from 1x05.

◆ Uniform by @aewriting (Words: 2.1K; Rating: T; TW: sleazy cop)

When a fellow officer sees Carlos and T.K. at the club together and expresses an interest, Carlos struggles to define their relationship, and his own feelings.

◆ Roadside Rendezvous by StarrySummers04 (Words: 1.5K; Rating: E)

TK and Carlos make an unscheduled stop on the way back to Carlos's apartment after spending the night at the club with Paul. Things start at the side of the road but finish in the bedroom.

AU or Canon Divergent:

◆ I Learned to Walk by Learning to Stumble by @detectivereyes (Words: 4K; Rating: T)

TK thought he was getting adjusted to living in Austin, but just when things seem to be settled, the station suffers a loss and he finds himself making the transfer to paramedic on Michelle’s team. Unfortunately, danger still finds him... or a very bad summary for what is essentially TK makes the transition to paramedic in s1, and what i think could have happened in 1x05.

◆ as the tide turns by novakskline (Words: 1.3K; Rating: G; Part of a S1 AU Series)

"TK? Everything okay?" Carlos asked as he came back into the room, placing the drinks down on the table so he could wrap his arms around TK, resting his head on his shoulder. "What's up?" "How do you feel about going clubbing tonight?" TK asked, holding onto Carlos' arms and letting himself be comforted by him.

◆ Play With Fire by @thatnerdemryn (Words: 6K; Rating: E; Threesome, d/s elements)

“You boys done for the night?” Paul asked, somehow carefully controlling the tremble in his voice. He cleared his throat as Carlos pressed a gentle kiss to the back of his neck and TK shook his head. “Not quite,” TK commented. He moved away enough to hold out his hands like a silent offering that Paul could either accept fully or brush off easily. He appreciated the gesture, but he wasn’t ready for the warmth the two men provided him to disappear yet. “Good choice, amigo,” Carlos practically purred behind him and Paul was sure his vision went a little fuzzy. “Friend? Is that what we’re going to be tonight?” Paul asked.

Technically Not 1.05 But Bowling Related:

◆ The Bowling League by @lonestarbabe (Words: 2.1K; Rating: G)

The team joins a bowling league for first responders. They are not so great, but they bring chaos to the league and have a lot of fun and love each other.

◆ some nights by @reyescarlos (Words: 1.6K; Rating: G)

14 “Please don’t tell me you filmed that.” “Of course I filmed it.”

[randomshyperson]

Mystery Club - Chapter Nine - Wanda Maximoff x Reader Series

Summary: Returning to your hometown five years after leaving everything behind, including your best friend, is no easy feat. Getting involved in a secret club wasn't in the plans either. Or the one based on Life is Strange.

Warnings: (+18) high school au, best friends to lovers, mild/heavy angst mentions with happy happing, use of legal substances (alcohol, marijuana), violence, verbal aggression, explicit language, smut, triggers regarding sexual assault, mentions of death, grieving, hints of depression and anxiety, panic attacks, a lot of domesticity.

General Masterlist | AO3 | Wattpad || Series Masterlist

--//--

Chapter Nine - The Halloween Party

"That tickles." 

Wanda smiles at your speech, the touch of the brush firm. "Stop moving, or you'll mess it up." She instructs, and though you huff softly, you obey her. And it doesn't take long for her to pull away. "There. See, that wasn't so hard. You're ready, now we can go." She said as she put her makeup away, and you looked away from her to turn your chair and look in the mirror.

You two were making an interesting pair. The Addams couple and Wanda needs some applause for that dress. Your suit was comfortable, but Gomez's mustache was funny. 

"Let's go soon, I think the party may have already started." She repeated, now holding a purse. Before she leaves, however, you hold her hand.

"What are our rules?" 

Wanda sighs lightly, staring at you. "If things get weird or dangerous, we go home." She says, and you raise an eyebrow. With another sigh, she continues. "Without question or stubbornness. In the same second, because our safety is more important."

You smile, kissing her on the cheek. "That's right, secret agent." You tease. "Ready?"

The party was taking place not far from the campus, and in fact, you almost slapped yourself for not imagining that the abandoned train tracks would serve as a meeting place for teenagers and young adults wanting to drink and do drugs.

At the end of the track, there were abandoned railroad cars, and from a distance, you could already hear the loud music or see the colored lights that were spread around. They had turned one of the guard booths into a DJ booth, and another one held a fridge for possible rain. Fortunately, it didn't look like it was going to rain anytime soon.

Although the party was taking place in an open place, where parked cars lined up to guide the way to the guests, there was an entrance of some sort. And the tall young man at the door was some kind of security guard.

Wanda held your hand as soon as she spotted him. "Just follow my lead."

"What...?" You questioned confused, but she silenced you gently and went back to walking.

Two girls with Westview High jackets covering their short costumes stepped into the opening between the train cars in front of you, but as soon as the tall boy at the door spotted you two, he put a hand out in your way.

"Did you get lost on the way to kindergarten, cuties?" 

Mocked the man who stank of cigarettes and booze. His hair was loose along his shoulders, and he flashed a sharp-toothed grin at you.

Wanda lifted her chin, covering part of your body with hers. "Get out of the way, Creed. The party is open to the public."

The man laughs, crossing his arms. "Open to the public my ass, Maximoff. You need an invitation from someone at RedRoom, and you and your little friend are not on the list-"

"I came with Romanoff." Wanda lies, but the boy chuckles wryly.

"Everyone knows she hates you. Go home." He insists angrily, but Wanda doesn't hesitate.

"Catch up on the gossip, Sabretooth, we're together again." Wanda retorts, and you try to disguise your discomfort at the lie. Luckily, the man seems angry enough not to notice you.

"Don't call me that, you little shit!" He warns between teeth. 

Wanda releases your hand to raise them in surrender, a fake giggle escaping. "Hey, hey, it was just a joke." She tries. "Come on, Victor, let us through. We're here to have some fun. And we will expend some money too."

He grumbles irritatedly, rolling his eyes. "Okay, but stay out of trouble, you hear? No Romanoff will bail you out if you cause trouble tonight."

Wanda raised an interested eyebrow. "Tonight? What's so special about tonight?"

Victor laughs short. "It's Halloween, moron. Folks collect a lot of money on holidays. All the RedRoom leaders came, there are even people from the statehouse at the party. As I said, don't fuck it up, Maximoff. And that goes for your pretty friend-

"Okay, Victor, I get it." She cuts in, pulling you by the hand as he gives you a more predatory look, and pulls you into the lobby before the security guard can say anything else.

The party is actually much more crowded than you'd expect inside, and it's all kind of claustrophobic because of the railroad's limited space. 

You let go of Wanda's hand to hug your own body.

"Hey, are you okay?" She asks worriedly as she notices your tension, but you force a smile.

"Let's just make it quick, okay? To get home soon." You say, and Wanda smiles, reaching up to kiss your cheek before looking around for a moment.

"Well, maybe it's faster if we split up? That way you see one part of the place and I see the other..."

"O-okay." You mumble, but she looks at you worriedly, one hand on your wrist, caressing your skin.

"Are you sure you're going to be fine?" she asks, and you smile to reassure her.

"Yeah, baby, don't worry." You assure her, even though you're sweating a little. "We'll ask you a few questions, and if we don't find out anything, we'll leave, right?"

She smiles, giving you a quick kiss before nodding. "I'll see you later, detka."

You kiss her again, ignoring the bad feeling in your gut that was begging you to leave the party. "See you later."

Wanda let go of your wrist, and turned her back on you, disparaging into the first crowd of people ahead. You took a deep breath before heading in the opposite direction.

–//–

Electronic music echoed strongly in Wanda's ears, and after so many minutes - perhaps a whole hour - without success in her investigation, the sound was already irritating her to the limit. She sighed wearily as she stopped at one of the makeshift bars, and bent down a little to reach for a can of energy drink.

She didn't notice a pair of eyes staring predatorily at the exposed skin through her dress.

And Wanda was too busy searching for a clean glass to notice the tall figure approaching.

"You're new here." 

She turned her head away from the drinks to the man in half surprise. Wanda forced a smile. "Maybe. Or maybe you've just never noticed me." She retorts, not wishing to indulge her lack of invitation to the stranger. 

He smiles however, pushing his hair back. "Nah, you're definitely new. I would have noticed a pretty girl like you."

Wanda forces a shy laugh, biting her tongue to keep from saying she was taken, and most definitely not interested. He licks his lips, letting his gaze run down her costume before asking, "Looking for a cup?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'll catch some disease if I put my mouth on one of those cans." She clarifies about the fact that most of the stuff was stored in the worst possible way, and with so much iron to the place, a diagnosis of tetanus was the minimum. The man laughs, and reaches out to give Wanda's arm a gentle touch.

"Come, I'll show you where it is." He leads, and she swallows dryly, pushing back the bad feeling of having his hands touching her before forcing a smile and following him deeper into the party.

You, on the other hand, have a glass of soda - which was very hard to find - half empty in your hands.

You probably are a better investigator, or perhaps luckier and less impatient than Wanda. Or maybe you were just fortunate enough to notice the two boys trading pills shortly after you and her split up, and after following them around the party for a while, you finally approached them.

They were high enough to believe you wanted to use too, and when you convinced them that you needed something stronger, they said you should go to the widow's wagon, and you had no idea what that meant, so you played along.

You looked for someone at the party who looked more veteran - you ended up choosing a blonde girl who walked past you several times giving orders - and approached her.

"Sorry, I'm after the widows, and I just can't find them on my own." You said, feigning your best impression of someone high. "Can you guide me?"

The girl found your state amusing and squeezed your cheek lightly. "Sure, pretty baby. Come with me, I'll take you there."

She says, grabbing your hand and leading the way through the crowd, to the north of the party, further away from the public as a private area.

"Thank you...?"

"Emma." She introduces herself, turning her head towards you for a moment. "Emma Frost."

You smile, nodding before saying your name, getting the impression that she doesn't even save much, both from the sound and the rush. She stops, and points to the last wagon a short distance away, where you see some young people sitting on puffs, sharing two or three shisha, as well as having their own freezer of drinks. 

"Take it slow, kitten. You look like you've had enough." Emma teases before leaving you, heading back to the party.

You swallow dryly before making your way to the last wagon. You are a little surprised to recognize the red hair of the girl sitting on her back, but before you can greet her, someone else is recognizing you.

"I didn't expect you to be a party crasher, Rogers."  Teased Clint loudly, sitting on one of the middle puffs, holding the narghile hose in one hand. 

The whole small group looked at you, and Natasha cracked a smile. "Y/N! You came!" She commented, and must have been really very drunk to hug you by the neck as if you were old friends. 

Clint gave a dry laugh. "Did you really invite this girl, Nat? You used to have better company..."

The redhead rolled her eyes, gesturing to the boy. "Come on, Clint, don't be mean. Y/N is friends with Yelena-"

"And Yelena's not here." Reminded the boy, blowing the smoke from the last puff into the air. "It seems to me that Y/N doesn't have an invitation."

Natasha huffs impatiently, ready to defend you, but you step forward. "Hey, Clint, I actually want to apologize." You say, surprising everyone. The boy raises his eyebrow. "Yeah, I'm sorry for kicking your ass. I should have given you at least a two-minute head start."

About three people who were smoking next door chuckled, one of them Maria Hill, which made Clint stand up angrily. "Listen here, you little shit-"

But Nat put herself between you. "Clint, come on, it was just a joke." She tried to appease, a hand on his chest. "Take it easy. No trouble with the supplier is around, remember?"

The boy grunted, but pulled away, throwing himself back on the couch hard. 

You swallowed dryly, shifting your posture. "Sorry guys, I'm kind of super high right now." You lie, and that surprises Natasha, who giggles a little.

"Really, Y/N? I didn't think you were the type..." She comments, pulling your arm so that you sit on the free puff next to the one she was on before. 

Swallowing dryly quietly, you nod. "Well, everyone needs to relax once in a while." You comment, receiving a chorus of agreement. "And the institute is driving me crazy. And honestly, dating too." The lie almost hurts, but it attracts even more attention and understanding from others. "I'm just looking for something to push my problems away."

Clint chuckles, half-impressed. "It's your lucky day, Rogers. I've got all sorts of things for you to relax in here."

You swallow dry again, and to your luck, Natasha sits down next to you - almost too close to bother - and puts an arm around you.

"Let's just wait a little while, Clint." She says as an order. "Y/N already had a smoke, she needs a few minutes."

He rolls his eyes, but puts back away whatever it is he was going to take out of his pocket. Someone changes the music to something even louder and more frenzied, and the guys in the group perk up, the kids from before come out to dance, and Maria leans in to whisper something in Nat's ear that makes her laugh softly. "Later, Hill. Yelena would kill me if I left her friend high and alone at a party."

Maria sighs, but kisses Nat's cheek and leaves to join the others in dancing. You adjust in your seat, half uncomfortable with her arm around you, and the way her collarbone sits so close to your face like this. 

"Are you and Maria dating?" You ask casually, and Clint gives a loud laugh, throwing his head back to blow out the smoke from his smoke.

Natasha throws a cushion at him before looking back at you.

"It's nothing official, sweetie." She counters. "We're just having fun."

You take advantage of the fact that everyone thinks you're stoned to be honest. "So you cheated on Wanda for fun?"

"Outch. She got you on that one." Clint teases adjusting himself in the armchair, and Nat chuckles dryly, staring at you for a moment.

You swallow hard, ready to say you were saying stupid things when Nat adjusts herself, crossing her legs.

"Well, you don't know the whole story, kitten." Retorts the redhead, throwing her hair back behind her shoulders. "I may have even cheated on Wanda, which was fucked up I admit, but she cheated first."

You frown. "Really?" You ask without believing it one bit.

Natasha breathes out a fake laugh. "Is calling someone else's name in sex considered cheating?" She comments, and you open your mouth to say you weren't sure, but she moves closer to your ear. "I think so, and I think it's pretty fucked up. It happened only once, and she was pretty drunk, but it was exactly the push I needed. I was doing a great job, fucking her hard in that armchair in the ridiculous garage, but when she came, it was your name she screamed." Natasha confesses and you choke in surprise. She pulls away with an innocent giggle. "But, you know, water over the bridge. I had my revenge with the whole Maria thing, and she ended up dating you in the end. We don't need to keep going back to this."

You were speechless, but Clint commented. "You girls are fucked up."

Nat rolls her eyes, staring at Clint in disbelief. "Don't be sexist, old friend. It doesn't make you attractive to girls." She retorts, tilting her head slightly. "But it might work on guys..."

"Fuck you, Romanoff." He retorts angrily, but Nat just laughs again.

"Don't be like that, Clint." She continues. "Guys are hot, you're really gonna say you've never considered-"

"I ain't fucking gay!" He interrupts, but she rolls her eyes.

"Well, bi people or pans still exist." She continues. "And I know I wasn't the only one noticing the bartender at Odin's Bar last week-"

"Holy shit, Natasha, shut up!" Clint interrupts angrily, raising a finger at her. "Don't talk that shit to me! You know damn well that I only put up with you and Maria with that dyke shit because I've known you two since you were kids, but don't come insinuating that I'm like you!"

Natasha stood up in irritation. "You must be high as fuck to come and offend me, Clint." She grunted angrily. "Put your shit together, asshole. You won't say homophobic bullshit to me, I'm warning you, or I'll turn you in to the fucking police you motherfucker!"

Clint seemed to be in shock at the explosive reaction but only for a few seconds. He then laughed dryly.

"Police? What the fuck are you talking about, you crazy bitch?"

Natasha didn't hesitate. "I could turn you in for the drugs, at the very least-"

Clint laughed again, getting up as well. "You're the one who must be on drugs to talk such shit, aren't you, Natasha? You know damn well that if I ever go down, I'll turn everyone in. Your daddy, that rich professor, even you. Everyone here is of age and can be arrested-"

Natasha shoves him hard, but Clint only grunts in irritation, and holds her hand when she threatens to slap him. "Do whatever the fuck you want! I'll tell everyone you killed that boy-"

"Natasha!" Clint cuts her off almost desperately, holding her wrist tightly. "Enough! You're drunk. Cut this shit out, go get some water." He orders, and Natasha pulls her hand away, her eyes full of tears. 

She curses low, moving away to get a glass of the water, and Clint looks up at you.

"Get the fuck out of here, Rogers." He commands, but you are static in your seat, the whole conversation replaying in your head. When Clint goes around the narguile and grabs your arm to pull you upright, he yells back, "Get the fuck out!"

He throws you to the exit, but you react. Without difficulty, you break free of the grip with one of the self-defense moves your father taught you so many times, and in the blink of an eye Clint is with his back pressed against the wagon, choking on your arm at his throat.

"What boy, Barton?" You demand seriously, ignoring his struggle to free himself. "Answer me!"

" Fuck! Let me go, you crazy bitch!" He tries, but you punch him hard in the stomach, and after choking, he begins to cry. "I-I didn't... fuck, let me go! It was Pietro, goddamn it, she's talking about Pietro!" 

You release him in shock, and he falls to his knees, struggling to breathe. The sounds are muffled in your ear. Natasha calls out to you, but you can't make out what she's saying.

Clint crawls away from you. "Look, it was the fucking accident okay? He took the wrong cup, we were testing some new shit at the party. It wasn't meant for him, it wasn't my fault."

You nod, grabbing a piece of iron from one of the surrounding shells, which makes Clint widen his eyes. "How did it happen?"

Clint shudders, raising a hand in front of him. "L-let go of that bar, Rogers. Please, I didn't mean to-"

"Speak up, Barton." 

He cried. "I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't! He took the wrong cup! I didn't know he was drugged! He came at me with that fag talk and I pushed him in the water but I swear I didn't know he was on drugs-"

Something in you clicked. Your hand gripped the bar hard before the first blow. Clint screamed, and you hit him again. He fell unconscious, and you raised the bar again. This time, someone knocked you to the ground first.

"What the fuck is your problem, are you trying to kill someone?" You knew that voice. Thor's blue eyes focused in front of you as he pressed you down. He kicked the bar away, and held you while other people ran to Clint.

There was a lot of blood, but he woke up, and started crying again when one of the girls held him. 

"Clint, come, we're going to take you to the hospital." She asked, but the boy continued to cry, mumbling that he was sorry. "I know you are, honey, but come on, we have to go..."

He sobbed confusedly. "What happened to the music?"

You all looked at him with confusion, Thor was helping you stand. Clint began to despair. "Laura, I don't- I can't hear the music! I can't hear anything-"

Laura pulled him to his feet, casting a horrified look at her friend before Natasha and Maria - who had returned with the other boys - moved to pull him into the car area.

You felt immediate nausea, and ran to the first corner you could, throwing up your insides -  

The image of Clint Barton's bloody ears in your mind.

"Y/N, you can't tell anyone-"

"What the fuck happened here, Natasha?" Thor cuts off her request indignantly. "Why would Y/N do that to Clint?"

You were still vomiting, wracked with the worst panic attack of your life, and Natasha nervously twiddled her fingers.

"Shit, shit, shit, just, won't you tell anyone?" Said the girl approaching. "It's a long story, but do you remember when Pietro Maximoff drowned in the dam? Well, Clint pushed him. But he didn't know that Pietro was on drugs. He was just being a jerk because Pietro wanted a spot on the team and well, everybody knows that he was openly bisexual and may have flirted with Clint, who took it all the wrong way and pushed him into the water. But Pietro was on some of the new pills we brought to the party-"

"Holy shit, Natasha, that's so fucked up." Thor commented indignantly, and the redhead nods tearfully.

"I know, okay?" She shouted back. "But I couldn't turn in my family. Clint, or Alexei, I just couldn't-"

"Okay, Nat." Thor cut in seeing the other's desperation, "Just help me with Y/N."

They sat you down on the grass, but you didn't stop crying. 

"W-wanda." You gasped between one sob and another. "Please call Wanda."

"You go or me...?" Thor started but Nat was already getting up.

"I find her, you stay. She puts up a good fight when she loses her head. Keep her away from trouble. And iron." Natasha guides, ignoring Thor's mild protest about the joke to return to the party to search for her ex-girlfriend.

–//–

The music was muffled, distant. Wanda blinked in confusion, but nothing seemed to focus in her view.

She put a hand to her forehead, noticing the sweat, and sighed breathlessly. Someone gave a chuckle a few feet away from her.

"Don't put up such a fight, sweetheart." Said the male voice. "It's easier if you just relax..."

Wanda shuddered, gasping a little. "What... what's happening? My head..."

"Shh, Wanda, calm down." He whispered, taking a step forward. "I promise it'll be quick, and thanks to our little pill, you'll really enjoy it."

She heard a zipping, but her legs were weak. Footsteps came closer, but someone dragged the door open and increased the brightness inside the wagon.

"They're in here, Captain Fury!" Someone shouted and Wanda put her hands to her head, all the sounds too loud at once.

The man fell hard in front of her, one knee preening him to the ground as he was handcuffed. "Now we've got you, you bastard." Said the policewoman, but the man laughed wryly.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea who I am?"

"Save it for the court, von Doom." Retorted the Policewoman lifting him up without difficulty. "Although there won't be much of a defense for you. We caught you in the act of trying to abuse this poor girl."

He struggled against the handcuffs. "I had nothing to do with it! She's the one who dragged me here!"

"Shut up and walk, you bastard." 

A taller figure approached Wanda, and knelt in front of her.

"Miss Maximoff, can you hear me?" It was a man, Wanda choked softly, trying to answer, but unable to do so. He sighed, "I'm going to hold your hands, okay, to help you walk."

Wanda struggled at the first moment, confused and frightened. But soon she obeyed the cue, not seeming to have much control of what she was doing.

"We need ambulatory support here, sergeant." The man warned those outside.

"Yes, Captain Fury, on our way." Answered one of the uniformed men.

The party was over, there was no one else around. The music had been turned off earlier, it was the last thing the cops were struggling to get out.

Wanda was put in the back of an ambulance, and by this time, you had overcome the panic to be at the door.

"Only family can go up..." Warned the rescuer half-heartedly. Thor gave you a nudge of encouragement.

"She's family." He assured the nurse seriously, who made room for you to climb up. 

When you saw your girlfriend's groggy state, you broke into tears. Your hand held hers the whole way to the hospital.

Natasha Romanoff stayed behind, and adjusted the coat she received, her Halloween makeup smeared across her face.

Fury put out his cigarette with his boot. "I don't know what made you change your mind and call me, Romanoff, but you may have saved that girl's life today. I'm proud." 

Nat sobbed, and to the Captain's surprise, hugged him. He sighed, stroking her back. "I want to give my statement, Nick. I'm sorry for everything."

"It's okay, sweet girl. None of this is your fault-"

She sniffled. "I should have turned him in, I should have-"

"Natasha, calm down." Nick says, giving her a gentle tug so she can look at him. "Take a deep breath. Go sober up, and get some rest. Tomorrow go to the police station, I'll be waiting for your statement. Don't sleep at home if he's there, I don't want you to be in danger. Can you do that?"

She sniffles, wiping her face with her hand. "Y-yeah. I can sleep somewhere else."

Nick smiles gently. "Stay safe child. I'll talk to you tomorrow." He says, giving her a gentle squeeze before waving to the other cops who were leaving the scene.

Thor cleared his throat as he approached. "Can I give you a ride somewhere, Nat?"

She nods tearfully, and Thor leads the way to the car. When he is already driving, he asks, "Why did you decide to call the police? I mean, it was the right thing, of course, but you didn't seem to want to put your friends in any trouble before, and the party was full of drugs..."

Natasha sniffled slightly. "Remember that thing with Pietro I mentioned? Thor nods, and she swallows dryly. "He took the wrong cup. I never understood how, but then I remembered. He wanted to get along with the jocks, with me. He came to talk, said he had the best of intentions, and I thought he was adorably charming but I wanted to challenge him. He wanted to prove that he was a trustworthy person and drank my glass and his. I thought it was cute, and told him that if he could impress my best friend, maybe I would give him a chance. But Clint-"

"I get it." Thor cut in understanding. "So someone drugged your cup."

Natasha hugged her knees. "Professor Doom was going to almost every party, he's well-liked at the university. I heard he finds talent like that. He offered me a drink before Pietro spoke to me, I never imagined that-"

She sobbed, and Thor put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, it wasn't your fault."

But Nat shakes her head, crying a little. "I knew about the drugs at the party, Thor! 

My stepfather sells most of them, always has. Clint used to buy from him, and resell it at parties. Before the police questioned us about Pietro, von Doom came to see me. Advising me not to turn my family in, how Yelena would be hurt, and I was stupid enough to believe him."

Thor swallowed dryly, stopping at the red light and putting his hand on Nat's knee. "Hey, Romanoff, you were 16, give yourself a break. It was two adults manipulating you, after a horrible accident. You need to forgive yourself, especially since you've decided to do the right thing now."

She sniffled, trying to stop crying. "I just... I asked around for Wanda, and I was told that von Doom had taken her out of the party, and I found them and when I saw her condition, I immediately understood everything and I just-" But she sobbed, and Thor hugged her. "I'm really sorry."

The blonde kept holding her until she stopped crying, not caring about the honking of horns when the signal opened. 

Natasha calmed down after a long moment, and he kissed her forehead. "Can I do anything for you, Nat?"

She sighs but then nods. "I need a place to stay tonight." She says. "Alexei is home, and I don't want-"

"Of course, Nat." Thor cuts in gently. "Stay as long as you want."

She smiles tearfully. "I'll do the right thing this time, Thor."

He holds her hand. "I got you, sweetheart."

Across town, you were squeezed into a hospital bed. It was probably against the rules, but Wanda insisted.

"We're going to end up in trouble." You whispered to her, receiving only a tired chuckle from the girl beside you.

As soon as you had settled down, she lay on your chest and inhaled deeply. Her heartbeat, monitored by the machine at the side of the bed, slowed as she relaxed. 

You smiled, one hand on her back.

"Are you going to tell me what happened now?" She asked low against your skin. You swallowed dryly, your caresses not stopping.

"Tomorrow." You murmured. "You have to rest."

Wanda sighs in exhaustion, one hand under your blouse, seeking warmth.

"At least tell me if it's over?"

You kiss the top of her head, holding it more firmly. "Yes, honey, it's over."

She sighs lightly, almost numb. "Did you call my parents?"

You chuckle. "Yeah, Charles and Erik are outside. They need to talk to the police."

Wanda opens her eyes, turning her head toward you. "Police?"

"Not today, Wanda." You repeat, pulling her back to a resting position. "I'll tell you everything, but not today. You need to sleep."

She complains a little, but her breathing starts to get heavier. In her last struggles against sleep, she mutters, "You should call Steve too. It sounds like it was serious."

You stroke her hair. "I will." You promise her, and even though she's fast asleep the next moment, you whisper "I love you, Wands." to the empty room.

When it is safe to move without waking her, you leave the bed. Erik hugs you once you are outside, like when you were a child and a second daughter to him. It's a little strange at first, but that night was so horrible that you allow it.

Charles doesn't, because he sees the way you look at him.

"There is someone who needs to talk to you, Y/N." Erik tells you. "Jennifer Walters, our family lawyer. You should, because with the whole drug situation, and the assault on the Barton boy-"

"I'll Erik." You cut him off, feeling a little nauseated. "I just need to call my dad first."

He smiles, squeezing your shoulder before making his way to Wanda's room.

With trembling hands, you dial the number. Steve doesn't answer until the third attempt, because it's very late in England now.

"Hi, sweetheart, is everything okay?" He asks meekly, and it's enough for you to start crying in the middle of the hall.

[queenofbaws]

There's been a drought of non-poly Chrashley-focused content for quite a while now (apart from the occasional story on Ao3), and I'm starved for ANYTHING featuring the nerds and their schmaltzy escapades. I've considered remedying this situation by making my own food (read: trying to write my own fanfiction), but I fear I wouldn't do the characters justice. You've proven to be a talented author from what I've read of your works, so would you be willing to write a soft, sweet snippet in my stead?

catch me catching up on some not-quite-six sentence sat(or)sunday!

"So...is it that you think glaring it down is somehow going to magically make it safer, or...?" He couldn't mark it down as a full victory, not with the way her mouth was twisted up like that, but there was juuust enough laughter in her eyes for Chris to pat himself on the back. Not that he ever needed much of an excuse to do that.

After another moment of heavy, heavy consideration, Ashley sighed, then groaned, then forced herself to take a single lurching step over the threshold and into the cable car. She mumbled something as she shrugged her bag off and plunked it down on the same bench where he'd ditched his, and while he couldn't make most of it out, he for sure caught "death trap" and "tin can" thrown around in there.

"That'd be a 'yes' on the glaring question, then?" he teased, pretending not to follow her with his eyes as she sat beside him. She folded her arms and sighed again, and he nudged her shoulder with his own. "Think about it this way," he tried instead, "maybe it's Peter Pan rules - if you believe we're going to drop about a million feet and plunge to our icy deaths, then we will, and if you don't, we won't!"

"Chris! Oh my God." Ashley dropped her head into her hands, laughing tensely. Very, very tensely. "Do you seriously think that's helping?"

"Nah. I just didn't want to go full bad movie cliche and say, y'know...c'mon, Ash, what's the worst that could happen?"

The cable car's door clicked shut, the mechanism began to hum, and Ashley's laughter took on a desperate note. "Oooh but you said it anywayyy!"

She scooted another few inches away from the window, and just like that they were flush against each other, her arm pressing into his...from between, like, twelve layers of jacket, anyway. They hadn't even chugged a single inch up the mountain yet and whoop, yeah, uh huh, now Chris was all aboard the Anxiety Express too, his ticket paid for, processed, and punched in not by heights or the decidedly out-of-date maintenance sticker on the back window but Ashley herself. As was so often the case.

What was his move here? Did he have a move here? And, maybe more importantly, since when did he think about his life in terms of moves?

Okay, that last one was actually easy enough to answer: Since he'd hung up with Josh all of three minutes ago. It had been a thirty second call, if that, just enough to let him know they were heading up and he should expect them at the summit's station in the next ten minutes or so...but in true Josh fashion, he'd managed to pack that thirty seconds with as much psychic damage as humanly possible.

"Hope you two have a nice ride up," he'd said cheerfully enough, which had tripped at least five different warning alarms in Chris's brain. "See the sights, revel in the atmosphere, engage in a much-needed heart-to-heart...you know, just...really enjoy each other's company."

Good ol' Josh. Always knowing the exact thing to say to leave a guy completely unarmed.

Armed! Was that the answer? He could, in theory, sort of stretch his arm around her shoulders. People did that, didn't they? If someone they were with was freaked out? It...it didn't have to be seen as a romantic gesture, not if all he was doing was comforting her, but...but would she see it like that?

The cable car crept a foot off the ground, two, three, four, five...and right as they crested the roof of the station, it...well, it stopped. Completely.

"What's going on?" All it took was the cable car rocking once as it came to a halt and Ashley was on him, her face buried in the fur lining of his parka and her arms wrapped so tightly around his middle he could feel her fingers knotting at his side, Princess and the Pea style. "I can't look! How high up are we? I - wait, no, I don't want to know! Don't tell me!"

"I...we're like seven feet up, Ash. Like, maybe eight. Nine?"

"Make up your miiiiiiiind!" she groaned into his coat, her shoulders shaking as he did, in fact, scrounge up courage enough to wrap his arm around them. "I knew this was a bad idea...God, I hate these stupid things!"

"They've never stalled like this before. It's probably just, uh, a glitch or something. The system needs to warm up a little bit." He tried to sound confident as he said it, even as he glanced out the window and started running the numbers in his head. Could they jump out if they needed to? Maybe. It'd probably hurt, though, and he was prone to getting hurt on leisurely walks around the block, to say nothing of sick, snowy stunts. Plus, it'd taken a hell of a lot of convincing to get Ashley into the cable car in the first place; convincing her out of it...

"Yeah," she agreed, poking her head out from his coat only long enough to shoot a worried glance out the window on her side, "they've never stalled like this before, that's the problem, Chris! Maybe this is it! This is the time they break down for good! We're going to be stuck up here and - "

Before she could get another word out, the lights in the car flickered. And dimmed.

They turned to each other, eyes wide as panic began to really set in, and...and then...wait.

Now wait one fucking second.

The car suddenly filled with music. Music of the low and slow variety, that was, music the likes of which you only ever heard during the swelling denouement of a cheesy Hallmark romance movie, and Jesus Christ, he was going to kill Josh when they got to the summit. If they got to the summit.

Chris's head fell back against the glass panel behind him with a dull thunk. He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as they went. "Well," he said, feeling his adrenaline begin to flag, "looks like someone installed speakers in this bad boy since our last visit."

"Oh my God. Oh my...God." Beside him, Ashley slumped. Up until that moment, she'd been a spring wound tight against his side; now she felt more like a ragdoll folded up under his arm, her heartbeat still frantic enough that he could feel it through their layers upon layers of winterwear.

A moment later the cable car chugged back to life, rising up, up, up into the sky and towards the lodge, its lights low and its jams smooth. Chris waited for the moment Ashley straightened again, prepared himself for their inevitable separation...and even as the lights of the summit slowly came into view, it did not come.

"You just had to say it, didn't you?" Ashley asked after awhile, her arms still tight around him, her head still nestled in his parka's lining. "Just had to go and jinx us, huh?"

It took him a second, but when it clicked, it was all he could do not to laugh outright. Instead, he pressed his luck a liiittle more, tightening the arm around her shoulders to pull her closer before setting his chin atop her head. "Ash, uh, if this right here is the worst that could happen, I gotta be honest, I would love to know what your idea of the best-case scenario would've been."

[tkblythofficial]

How is T and R's connection right now? How likely is it that they had a reunion in London?

There has been an improvement compared to the last reading, their energies seem to be back in sync and communication is also more stable. For now, I see each of them as more grounded and career-focused, which could mean they're not as in touch as they'd like to, but they're still trying to be an ongoing presence in each other's lives. R seemed to be the main cause of their distance before, but as I mentioned, it was nothing personal. I think the time she took for herself has been beneficial. Energy-wise, I feel she is a bit more mature and trying to better deal with what life is throwing at her. To be honest, I don't think she's viewing T in a romantic light as we speak, but she does seek reassurance from him more often than she would like to admit. He's attentive to her and she sees him as someone she can turn to for emotional support and comfort. He also cares about what she might need, and that's a trait she appreciates a whole lot. It makes her feel seen and understood and she doesn't get that from everyone. I also sense that she might be more used to caring than being cared about and he's a source of balance in that regard. There's a slight sense of dependence going on too, but nothing on a toxic level. It's more like neither of them can seem to put their friendship aside. Both recognize their bond as deep-rooted and a source of reliability and security, and that's what makes it hard for them to completely disconnect from it — although their dynamic can get on-and-off sometimes. It's a trust-in-the-process type of situation. There'll be times when one might not seem to be as invested in their connection as the other, but they seem to find their groove back effortlessly. Currently, I see both of them invested in it. R is a presence that makes T feel valued and positive. They might be offering each other advice and sharing about their day-to-day experiences or simply seeking each other out for the comfort they share in their conversations. Even if they can't talk all the time, they still make themselves present in each other's lives through small gestures and practical exchanges — as I said, there's been a significant change compared to the last reading (they're back to matching each other's freak!) and right now, they're doing well. Communication is on track and their connection is filled with mutual support and genuine care, so it's always easy for them to pick up where they left off.

Regarding a reunion, I pulled the Ten of Wands, which can mean responsibilities, obligation, hard work, challenges, stress and making sacrifices for success. It matches well with the context since they were both in London for work, each with their own stuff going on. I see they might have planned to meet, but either struggled to make it happen or it didn't happen at all. Speaking from a personal point of interpretation, I feel like it was the latter. Probably a twenty-five percent chance, if we're feeling optimistic. It might have been a bunch of missed opportunities with their schedules causing the issue. Being under the same sky doesn't always mean they'll be able to see each other, but the card also symbolizes overcoming an obstacle, which is why I don't completely rule out the small possibility of a meeting, even if it was a brief one. In that case, if a potential reunion has taken place, it's likely to have happened in private, and I wouldn't expect to hear about it anytime soon. The card also indicates a willingness to maintain discretion; one or both of them might not be as open to dealing with external pressure, which might have led them to keep it between themselves. The answer may seem mixed, but for me it's mostly no. I don't believe they had an occasion to meet this time. Personally, I see the card representing that despite the difficulties in getting their timing right, there'll be other opportunities for them to come together in better circumstances. It might not be that soon, especially a public one, so I recommend patience — but it's bound to happen. For now, they are keeping in touch as much as they can, in their own way.

“There has been an improvement compared to the last reading, their energies seem to be back in sync and communication is also more stable.“

Yes!

“For now, I see each of them as more grounded and career-focused, which could mean they're not as in touch as they'd like to, but they're still trying to be an ongoing presence in each other's lives.”

Not surprised tbh. T is in a different time zone every week and he’s so busy 😭

“R seemed to be the main cause of their distance before, but as I mentioned, it was nothing personal. I think the time she took for herself has been beneficial. Energy-wise, I feel she is a bit more mature and trying to better deal with what life is throwing at her.”

Good! I think her birthday allowed for a good self reflection.

“To be honest, I don't think she's viewing T in a romantic light as we speak, but she does seek reassurance from him more often than she would like to admit.”

Ah the classic “I don’t want to date him (yet) but need him for other things” 😭

“He's attentive to her and she sees him as someone she can turn to for emotional support and comfort. He also cares about what she might need, and that's a trait she appreciates a whole lot. It makes her feel seen and understood and she doesn't get that from everyone.”

She definitely loves praises from him

“I also sense that she might be more used to caring than being cared about and he's a source of balance in that regard.”

She gives her energy to everyone imo. I hope she doesn’t do that in the future. There’s nothing wrong with being caring but not everyone deserves to be cared for 😬

“There's a slight sense of dependence going on too, but nothing on a toxic level.”

Ngl I’m rooting for some toxicity 💀

“It's more like neither of them can seem to put their friendship aside. Both recognize their bond as deep-rooted and a source of reliability and security, and that's what makes it hard for them to completely disconnect from it — although their dynamic can get on-and-off sometimes. It's a trust-in-the-process type of situation.”

I’m trying to trust the process but they make it difficult 😭

“There'll be times when one might not seem to be as invested in their connection as the other, but they seem to find their groove back effortlessly.”

I’m glad because they were very unbalanced in February and March

“Currently, I see both of them invested in it. R is a presence that makes T feel valued and positive. They might be offering each other advice and sharing about their day-to-day experiences or simply seeking each other out for the comfort they share in their conversations.”

That’s nice! I can see that.

“Even if they can't talk all the time, they still make themselves present in each other's lives through small gestures and practical exchanges — as I said, there's been a significant change compared to the last reading (they're back to matching each other's freak!) and right now, they're doing well.”

I need them to match each other’s freak in public 😭

“Communication is on track and their connection is filled with mutual support and genuine care, so it's always easy for them to pick up where they left off.”

They need to communicate about a project idea so we can see them on screen together 🤭

“Regarding a reunion, I pulled the Ten of Wands, which can mean responsibilities, obligation, hard work, challenges, stress and making sacrifices for success. It matches well with the context since they were both in London for work, each with their own stuff going on.”

Ngl the universe threw them together here and they blew it 😭

“I see they might have planned to meet, but either struggled to make it happen or it didn't happen at all.”

NO!

“Speaking from a personal point of interpretation, I feel like it was the latter. Probably a twenty-five percent chance, if we're feeling optimistic.”

That’s crazy 😭 we can never win

“It might have been a bunch of missed opportunities with their schedules causing the issue. Being under the same sky doesn't always mean they'll be able to see each other, but the card also symbolizes overcoming an obstacle, which is why I don't completely rule out the small possibility of a meeting, even if it was a brief one.”

I hope they met briefly 😭 even if we didn’t see it. Idk if it’s just me but I would be freaked out if me and my “best friend” were at the same place and same time for work…I would think it’s a sign or something.

“In that case, if a potential reunion has taken place, it's likely to have happened in private, and I wouldn't expect to hear about it anytime soon.”

I’m nosy but I’m ok with this 🤭

“The card also indicates a willingness to maintain discretion; one or both of them might not be as open to dealing with external pressure, which might have led them to keep it between themselves.”

They both want to keep this private for different reasons 👀

“The answer may seem mixed, but for me it's mostly no. I don't believe they had an occasion to meet this time. Personally, I see the card representing that despite the difficulties in getting their timing right, there'll be other opportunities for them to come together in better circumstances.”

Do you hear that, Blue? It’s the sound of my broken heart

“It might not be that soon, especially a public one, so I recommend patience — but it's bound to happen. For now, they are keeping in touch as much as they can, in their own way.”

The best (and worst) thing about zeglyth is that we will get a public reunion. We just never know when!

Thanks for the reading Blue :)

[luvbugs-blog]

panic - s. todoroki

inspired by the willow and oz scene in the "graduation" episode on buffy the vampire slayer (not the stupid show no netflix, but the one with sarah michelle gellar).

note: most of the dialogue is from or inspired by the episode mentioned above!! i don't want copywrite issues!!

warnings: implied smut, but it's a fluff fic. not proof read

enjoy!!

with the war inching closer, the air at UA was tense. everyone could feel it. everyone, it seems, except your boyfriend.

bakugo was even more snappy than usual, and with deku gone, everyone's mood was in the dumps. ochaco had lost her usual smile, and iida seemed even stiffer.

after a long day of classes, you trudge your way back to your dorm room, almost dragging your back behind you. when you make it, you throw yourself on the bed, your schoolbag abandoned by the door, which you hadn't even managed to shut fully.

what will become of you? of your friends? of your teachers? of shoto? there is a possible chance that you could die in the very near future. it seemed like yesterday you had just gotten your hero's license, and now you were about to risk everything for the sake of... strangers? the world? who knew what shigaraki had planned.

you were too tired to think about it anymore. you just wanted to be at home with your parents, but you couldn't tell them what was about to happen.

for a little while, you lay there, thinking about everything related to the war. how you could lose your friends, you could lose limbs, your life, how easy it is to just run away, etc., when your door creaks open slightly and you hear a small knock. a handsome face makes its way into the room.

"hey, baby. you know, you shouldn't keep your door open." you just sigh, not replying. shoto makes his way around your bed, carefully sitting next to your body.

"what's up, angel?"

"i'm just worried about the war, sho. what about you?"

he just hums and starts to stroke your hair. you wait a while, but he still gives no reply.

his eyes wander around the room, until they lock onto your cat, who lazily made its way out of your bathroom.

"looks like Walter has pretty nice digs in here. i really love your room."

you sigh again, moving so his hand falls off your head.

"sho…"

"what?" he asks, very gently.

"could you just pretend to care about what's happening, please?"

"you think I don't care?"

"i think we could be dead in two day's time, and you’re being emotional detachment guy."

"would it help if i panicked?"

"yes! it'd be swell! panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis, and everything is really scary now, you know? and I don't know what's gonna happen. and there's all sorts of things that you're supposed to get to do after high school, and you know what? i was really looking forward to them! like moving into a place of our own, maybe fighting alongside each other, being famous, maybe even the wacky notion of children! i would love to have children with you, and you know how much i hate kids and how pregnancy scares me. and... and now we're probably just gonna die, and i'd like to feel that maybe you would-"

your rant was interrupted when he grabbed the back of your head, grip tight on your hair, and smushed his lips on yours. for a few seconds, you stayed like that until you pulled away, slightly surprised.

"what are you doing?"

"panicking."

he maneuvered his head to continue what he was doing before, and the rest of the class didn't hear from the two of you until the next morning, when shoto walked out of your dorm room, instead of his.

author's note: OH MY GOD, I FINALLY FINISHED ONE. the ending is absolute shit, but I'm literally in my shitty school, and i so do not feel comfortable finishing this. i feel so paranoid that the teachers are watching me write fanfiction, and i am so not ok with that. school is kicking my butt rn, but i'm going to try to pump out some more fics soon... i don't want to say tonight, because that might not happen, so don't be mad. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE SEND IDEAS. i'm burnt out.

[fangirlanxiety74]

Alright this has been in my head for awhile now so I'm gonna finally discuss it here: IHNM gang but what Undertale soul they represent. Yes I am aware there's only 5 of them (not including AM) and 7 hearts, but yk, I think some of them represent more than one soul

And starting off with that

Ellen: KINDNESS and PATIENCE. As far as the series describes her, Ellen is very much a kind and patient person. These are core parts of her that AM either couldn't take away, or chose not to. But she's constantly described as the group's morale, she's the one always trying to comfort them and keep them going, she's characterized as very patient, she's the one actively going out of her way to help Benny. I just think this makes the most sense.

Gorrister: JUSTICE. Ted kind of outright says it, but this was the core part of Gorrister that AM took from him. Gorrister is literally described by Ted in the short story that he was a peace marcher, an activist, someone who stood for their morals and did what's right. I feel like it's a no-brainer that he would be the one to have Justice as his soul.

Nimdok: PERSEVERANCE. Nimdok is the one who kind of kicked off the story from when we're introduced into what's going on. He's the one who got the plot to start moving, telling the group that there was canned food in the ice caves, who insisted they go and find it (with the help of Ellen), he's the one who was willing to try and fight the giant bird and asked AM for weapons to do so, even if it didn't go the way they wanted to and he had to give up and keep the group moving. And also, given his age compared to the others, I think you have to have perseverance to continue to keep going and try to live/keep others alive in such a depressing situation. Maybe this one is a bit of a stretch, I feel like it is, but that's how I interpret it.

Ted: DETERMINATION and BRAVERY. I feel like it's kind of easy to give Ted determination as the protagonist of the series, but also given how I understand determination to work in terms of Undertale, I think it fits? I mean, to pull a drastic move as killing the other survivors, the only people he has ever interacted with for a 109 years, just so they can have peace and through that, challenge AM and the horrors he's put them all through? I feel like you have to be pretty determined that it's even going to work to pull that off. Especially since with how he's characterized, he believed they were all out to get them. He thought they hated him, that they were jealous, etc. and he still went and put them before himself and submitted himself to an eternity of Hell. I can also consider this a very incredibly brave thing to do, so that's why Bravery is included.

Benny: INTEGRITY. Benny is the hardest one to pin down in terms of the souls. My immediate thought is Bravery as well, since you can interpret the act of him finding what he thought was a way out and immediately gunning for it, (possibly) knowing of the dangers and consequences that would come with trying? But also, I can argue that Integrity was the trait that AM took from him. As far as I understand how he's characterized in the short story, he was a scientist, a theorist, a college professor, etc. And with that kind of profession, I imagine he lived a really good, honest, moral life, and AM stripped that from him to turn him into just a person who works on pure instinct. But this could also be just me reading too many fanfics that involve Benny and characterizing him this way.

Uhhh anyways this was just me talking about their characters because I really like them all, others less so, but I also really like Undertale and I just wanted to do a silly character study so!! Yeah if you got this far thank you to listening to me ramble lol

[cavillanche]

Compassion

Aleksander is drawn to an injured healer. Rated T ~3,000 words

___________________________________

General Kirigan strode through the camp toward the medical tents. When word reached him of the attack against a group of healers traveling to the front, he was in his carriage in less than two minutes.

"How bad is it?"

"It's bad, sir." The camp healer wiped his brow. "There were six of them traveling when they were hit. One died there with one of the guards. Another died in transit. The others barely survived."

"The surviving guard?"

"Through here."

Kirigan stood over the heartrender guard while the healer woke him from sleep.

"General, sir."

"Don't try to sit up." Kirigan sighed. "Can you tell me what happened?"

The man recounted the ambush. "We would all be dead if it weren't for her."

"Her?"

"One of the healers, sir. Nadia, I believe. She was one of the first injured, and took multiple hits, but she managed to keep healing the rest of us. I don't know how she found the strength."

"Rest." Krigian put a hand on the man's shoulder, then turned to the camp healer. "Take me to this healer he spoke of."

Deeper into the tent, the woman lay unconscious. Gashes crossed her cheeks and forehead. Blood soaked her braided chestnut hair.

"Her kefta stopped damage to the major organs, but she had several injuries to her face and head, and her leg was broken. The bone broke the skin. There are only two healers here at the camp, myself being one. We've had to split our attention to keep them all alive and comfortable. So, none are fully healed yet."

Healing when hurt wasn't easy, but to heal so many others in her condition, Kirigan knew this woman was special.

"Can she be moved?"

"We have nowhere to move her, sir."

"To the Little Palace. Can she be moved?"

The healer fumbled over his thoughts. "It would be risky, but possible."

"Risky how?"

"A jarring ride could open a healing wound."

Kirigan looked around the tent at the couple of people sitting up in their cots. "What about the other healers? Are any of them able to travel? To help keep her comfortable?"

"Yes," he nodded. "One could."

"Good. Prepare this woman to ride back with me in my carriage. Whatever needs to be done."

"Yes, General."

The camp healer walked away to carry out the order, but Krigian stayed for a moment. He put a firm hand to her head.

"What makes you such a fighter?"

He slipped out before anyone saw.

The ride back to the Little Palace was longer than usual. Kirigan ordered the driver to go slow and take the easiest path, but the woman still groaned in her sleep as the carriage rocked.

"What's your name?" Kirigan asked the accompanying healer.

"Liliya, sir."

"And her name?" He nodded to the floor where she lay on the stretcher.

"Nadia Kozlova, sir."

"Is it true? Did she save your life?"

"I don't remember much, sir. It happened so fast. But I do remember when I hit the ground. The attackers seemed to know that the kefta would protect us. They went for our heads and legs. My leg was broken like hers. I looked over, barely able to focus on breathing let alone healing, and she was healing my leg from where she fell. Then she moved to the next person."

"If you are well enough, Liliya, I'd like you to care for her once we are at the Little Palace."

"I'd be honored to help her, General. I owe her a debt."

—

Nadia woke up in a strange room. Lush and pleasant, but unfamiliar. That was the part that frightened her. Her eyes darted around the room looking for the door when she spotted a familiar face sleeping in the chair next to her bed.

"Liliya? Liliya!"

Liliya jolted awake and got to her feet.

"Nadia, you're awake. Oh, Saints. You had me so worried."

"Where are we?"

"We're home." Liliya smiled.

"Little Palace? But this isn't my room."

"No, General Kirigan put you in one of the suites."

"The General? Why?"

"Because of what you did. Nadia, you very well may have kept us all alive."

"She very well did." General Kirigan appeared in the doorway. Liliya stood, and Nadia tried to sit up. "Please, stay resting. Liliya has done a good job healing you, but you deserve a rest."

"I was only doing my job, sir."

"Until your last breath. Or it would have been had the extra guards not arrived when they did." He nodded at Liliya. "Leave us."

After Liliya was gone, Kirigan took her seat.

"The other healers just lay there. Dying. You healed them all as you lay broken. Where did you find the strength when others couldn't?"

"Simply a will to live, sir."

"Yet no one was healing you."

"I just… I couldn't let them lie there in pain. Not if I could help."

"Compassion for our people. Not something often seen, even among our own." The General stood. Nadia tried to sit up, but he put a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her back down. "When you are well again, I would like you to stay on as my healer. Your power is unlike the others. Stronger. I may need that at my side one day."

"General Kirigan…" He put out his hand to stop her as she sat up. "Please," she said, "let me rise to accept. I am well enough."

A smile tugged at the dark General's lips. "Very well."

Nadia got to her feet and stood as straight as she could. The realization that she was in a night dress almost made her flinch, but she faced her General.

"I accept, sir. It would be an honor.

"Good. Now, back to bed."

The grin on his face made her laugh. "Yes, sir."

He held her covers while she climbed back in, then pulled them over her.

"I will return your healer to you. When she says you are ready, your service will begin."

"Yes, General."

—-

Nadia followed two paces behind General Kirigan, to the left of his heartrender, Ivan. Kirigan had barely spoken to her since she took the position as his healer, yet she was with him most hours of the day.

This day led to a meeting with the leaders at the front. More planning. More strategizing. Nadia sat in the corner of the room, bored almost to tears. The only thing that kept her from falling asleep was watching him. Kirigan fascinated her. He was intelligent. He was powerful, and feared by many, but he had a calmness to him. Some found it more terrifying than if he had an ill temper, but not Nadia. Something in his calmness spoke of a life of experiences she couldn't imagine.

She'd seen him angry once, and that most definitely scared her, because the calmness remained, barely cracked, as he seethed out an order through gritted teeth. The shadows that followed him surged before he took a deep breath and pushed them back.

She saw that anger bubbling now as the meeting came to a close. She'd paid no attention to the discussion, so she had no idea what made him angry, but she could see it beneath the surface.

He held up a hand as Nadia and Ivan followed him from the room.

"Leave me."

They stopped as he continued down the hall.

"Do we wait here?" Nadia asked Ivan.

"No. He'll call for us if he needs us."

"He looks upset. Should we make sure he's all right?"

Ivan scoffed. "Sure. If you have a death wish."

He walked away, but Nadia followed the General as he turned the corner at the end of the corridor. He was headed toward his chambers.

She almost froze as the slamming door echoed down the hall. Maybe she did have a death wish. She hesitated before knocking.

"Go away!"

"Sir," she raised her voice to be heard through door, "I'm sorry, sir, I just—"

The door flew open. "What do you want?"

"You seemed upset. I wanted to check on you. Is there anything I can do?"

Kirigan narrowed his eyes, and Nadia braced herself for a berating. Instead, his eyes softened and his shoulders fell.

"Come in." He closed the door and removed his kefta. "What can a healer do to soothe anger and frustration?"

He stood at his desk, shifting papers around.

"I can't help as a healer, but as a person… I'm a good listener."

"You were in the room for the meeting. If you're such a good listener then you should already know what's bothering me."

"I must admit, I tend to lose focus in those meetings. I'm not military minded. I get a bit…"

"Bored?"

He grinned and Nadia relaxed a bit.

"Yes, sir."

"So, your compassion goes beyond healing the fatally injured."

"I hope so, sir. Otherwise, what good is it?"

He stopped and stared at her so long that she had to look away. She fidgeted, thumbing the ring on her index finger.

"You shouldn't play with your amplifier."

"How did you know?"

"I noticed it while you were still recovering. Your power is much stronger than other healers. An amplifier would make sense. And still…" he walked around his desk and stood in front of her, "even without the amplifier, your powers have always stood out, haven't they?"

"Yes, sir."

"I sensed it from the moment I saw you. So much power, yet you still care so much for others. You are truly special, Nadia."

Her face flushed, and she looked down.

"Perhaps sharing my concerns with you would help ease my anger."

Kirigan paced while he recounted the meeting. Despite her lack of military interest, Nadia listened intently. Her focus never wavered, even as the shadows grew. Nadia stood quietly until the room was almost devoid of light. Then she risked touching his hand.

"Sir…"

"What?"

"Your darkness is consuming us."

"Surrounding, not consuming." But even as he spoke, the shadows withdrew. "Were you afraid?"

"No, sir. But I've noticed that your shadows expand when you're upset. Only, these weren't receding."

"Not afraid. Worried about how I felt."

"Yes, sir."

Krigian brushed a finger over Nadia's cheek.

"You are special," he whispered.

"Does no one else show concern for you, sir?"

"Only when they believe my troubles will affect the outcome of a battle."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Call me Aleksander."

"What?"

"When we're alone, call me Aleksander."

"Sir, I don't think—"

"Please." He splayed his hand across her cheek, his thumb brushing the corner of her mouth.

Words failed her, so she nodded.

"Thank you for your compassion, Miss Kozlova."

"Nadia."

Aleksander smiled. "Nadia."

She stilled as he leaned toward her. His hand slipped from her cheek, down her neck, and pulled her closer until a knock on the door made her jump back.

"What?" Aleksander yelled.

"I have an urgent update, sir." Ivan replied through the door.

Aleksander sighed and kissed Nadia's hand. "Thank you for checking on me."

"Of course."

—

Nadia followed behind Aleksander and Ivan. More bad news from the front had the General changing tactics. Ivan listened to the orders as they entered Aleksander's chambers.

"Dismissed."

Ivan nodded and Nadia turned to follow him out.

"Not you, Miss Kozlova. You stay."

Ivan sent a raised eyebrow her way, but left and shut the door.

"Is there something you need, sir?"

"Yes." He pulled the collar of his shirt aside to reveal a large burn where his neck met his shoulder. "I got a bit too close to a new inferni while he was practicing."

"You weren't wearing your kefta."

"No."

He hissed as he pulled his shirt over his head. The burn went down his arm, to his elbow.

"Were there no other healers around?"

"I wanted you."

She looked up into his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"No time. This is the first private moment I've had all day."

Nadia crossed her hands, then moved them down the burn, hovering over Aleksander's skin. He sighed with relief, then took her hand.

"Thank you."

"It's my job."

Aleksander slid his hand behind her neck and pulled her forward. He paused, his lips hovering over hers.

"This is not part of your job. May I?"

"Yes."

He smiled and softly pressed his lips to hers. Nadia brushed her fingers over his jaw, then slipped her hand into his hair, deepening the kiss. Aleksander wrapped his arms around her waist as she slid her hands down his bare chest.

He broke their kiss for just a moment and rested his forehead against hers, then he scooped her up into his arms and carried her to his bedchamber. It wasn't until he lay her down that she realized the extent of his intentions.

"Aleksander, wait."

He froze, but didn't pull away.

"What's wrong?"

"This is just… it's too fast." She panted the words. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." He took her hand and pulled her to her feet. "I'm a patient man."

His wide smile made her blush, and she bit her lip. Aleksander tugged at it with his thumb, pulling it from between her teeth, and kissed her again.

"I should go," she said.

"Please stay. I did need your healing powers, but I also want your company. I promise to behave myself."

He led her back into the other room and pulled his shirt back on.

"And what will we do?"

"Talk. Kiss?"

Nadia laughed. "Both appealing choices."

Aleksander leaned against his desk and smiled. He was more relaxed than she'd ever seen him as he reached out his hand. She hesitated, but took it, and he pulled her into his arms.

"Did Ivan know about your burns?"

"Yes."

"And did he try to murder the poor bastard who did it?"

Aleksander laughed. "He probably thought about it."

Nadia rubbed down his arm where his burns were.

"Why didn't you call for me right away?"

"I can't be seen as weak."

"Those were serious burns."

"I've had worse injuries. I knew you would heal me eventually. I could endure the pain for a while."

"You endure so much already. Let me help where I can."

His eyes widened for just a moment. "What do you think I endure?"

"Think? No. It's obvious that you endure the responsibilities of leading an army. You endure the burdens of the Grisha, our suffering and survival. No one can endure all things alone, Aleksander. Not even a man as powerful as you."

He caressed her face with both hands.

"You see me so well, do you?"

"Tell me I'm wrong and I'll never mention it again."

"I do bear the burdens of our people… in many ways. Everything I do, including leading the army, is for them."

"I know." She smiled. "I see your compassion. And yet, you think mine is special."

Aleksander kissed her so hard that she whimpered. His hands slipped back to her waist, and pulled her closer.

Nadia turned away to breathe, but he continued down her neck.

"I'll have to check your definition of 'behaving.'"

Aleksander laughed. "I'm sorry. I can't seem to help myself when I'm alone with you."

"Then, perhaps I really should go."

"I have some free time tomorrow. Will you go riding with me?"

"Just us?"

"Just us."

"That sounds lovely."

—

Nadia stood at his door. Their first night back at Little Palace. She'd tossed and turned all night, trying to sleep after the horror she witnessed on the battlefield that week. Sleep only brought nightmares.

She knew if she knocked on his door she might no longer be able to resist him. The past few months had been spent stealing kisses and talking long into the night. Was she ready to admit her feelings? Did he truly see her as more than a conquest?

With a deep breath, she knocked. She waited for him to call out, but there was no response. She was ready to knock again when he opened the door.

"Nadia… is everything all right?"

"I couldn't sleep. I thought you might be awake."

"Come in."

The room was shrouded in shadow, and Nadia pulled her robe tighter around her.

"Aleksander, you're upset."

He glanced around the room, but the shadows remained.

"We lost so many people this week."

"I know." She took his hand and caressed his face.

"It's been a while since I've had a good night's sleep. It makes it harder to fend off the darkness sometimes."

"Then try to sleep. I'll leave you to rest."

"Stay."

"Aleksander, I can't—"

"No. I only want your presence. Just lie with me." He pressed her hand against his face. "Please."

The darkness seemed to surge around them.

"I'll stay."

He pressed a soft kiss to her lips then led her to his bed. Robes removed, they slipped beneath the covers, and Aleksander pulled Nadia into his arms.

"If we blow out the bedside candle we won't be able to see each other in this darkness," she said.

Aleksander pressed his lips to her forehead and closed his eyes. The shadows retreated, and the moonlight seemed even brighter than usual. He blew out the candle.

"I always want you to see me, Nadia. You're the only one who does."

She caught a glimpse of tears in his eyes.

"Surely someone has seen the real you before."

"Once. Many years ago. She was a healer, too."

"What happened?"

"She was murdered in front of me."

"I'm so sorry."

"I loved her."

Nadia rested a hand on his chest. "And have you loved since?"

He stared at her so long that she thought she'd offended him.

"Not until now," he whispered.

"Aleksander… I…"

Nadia brushed her fingers over his jaw. She never thought this man could ever love her.

"Make love to me, Aleksander."

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He took the hand at his chest and laced their fingers together.

"Not tonight," he whispered. "I don't want our first time to be out of a shared misery."

Nadia smiled. "I can wait."

"You won't have to wait long." He grinned. "Tonight, I just want you in my arms."

"That's where I'll be."

[katsuthelittlekitten]

Missy Fluff Alphabet.

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Activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Missy really love music in general, she mastered piano and different other instrument and she just adore when you sit with her and play a part of piano in duo. It always make her smile.

Beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Missy honestly love everything about you, she's not the type to be picky on these things but if she had to choose, she'd probably say she love yours lips better. The time lady just like to kiss them so much and think they fit perfect with hers.

Comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Your mistress would do everything she can to help you feel better and calm yourself, she would sit with you and take you in her arm, kiss your skin murmuring reconforting things in your ears. Missy would make sure to stay the closes she could to you when your in this state, because she is herself stress and anxious when it happen and she just want to make sure your ok.

Date - What was the first date with them like? What is their go-to date? What is their dream date?

For a first date your time lady would probably bring you to a foreign planet and show you what she have seen during her long life. She'd find a way to make things romantic and to amaze you because common we're talking about Missy here.

Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Hummmm...I don't even know how it can be a question the woman's name is literally the diminutif of mistress and she call herself mommy soo of course she's dominant with you and theirs no way she's going to do concessions.

Fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Missy isn't the type to keep grudge for something you say or else if you tell her the truth and apologize. Of course I'm not saying she wouldn't maybe...punish you for thinking you could go against what she sayed or argue with her but yea she'll forgive you don't worry.

Gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

The time lady knows how much you changed her and she's gratefull for it she think that she is becoming a better person because she's with you. She still kill people but only when it's absolutely require and she feel less guilty about it now that she knows it wasn't a choice she make. Missy often thanks you for being with you and not judging her for her past.

Honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

With you, she would say anything, your her confident and partner and she knows not to keep things from you. To the others tho...it's an other thing.

I love you - How fast does she pronounce these tree words to you?

It took time, she had to trust you and come to know you better and be absolutely sure that if she sayed them it was for real and genuine. However, when she sayed it the first time, it was the bigining of a praised she always says and make sure ton bestowed to you every time she can.

Jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Well remember when I said she wasn't killing except if absolutely necessary, well seing someone looking at what is hers or touching her little pet is a offence that she judge worth killing for. By the way be sure she will make it really painfully for the person in question that thought it was a good idea to try and steal you from her.

Kiss - What was the first kiss like?

Missy doesn't know what a gentle and calm means, everything she does is full of intensity and your first kiss wasn't an exception. The time lady kissed you breathless and she insert her tongue in your mouth craving to taste you and feel you as much as possible. You honestly didn't mind her passion, and still doesn't you love her for it.

Love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Well, the brunette wouldn't go by many different ways, she would go straight to the point and just tell you she have feeling for you, that she love you. It would obviously be the beginning of really passionate event.

Marriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? 

Missy isn't opposed to marriege, she actually quite like the idea of an other way of showing to others that you belong to her. She would just be happy to be united with you by holy matrimony even if it's a human tradition and would be quite excited for the honey moon.

Nicknames - What do they call their s/o?

Your mistress just loveeee to call you by cute name, she have her favorite of course like "pet" "baby girl" "little love" " "sweetheart" but theirs many others. They always successfully make you blush.

Obsessed - How obsessed are they of their s/o?

Hum, she's quite abscesses yes, she doesn't like when you are not in sight and worries about you when she can't protect you, she thing about you always and is quite addict to your body even if she would say so herself.

PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag about their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Oh god yes, Missy is what you can call an exhibitionist of what she possess, and well it includes you. She adore to kiss you, touch you, even sometime go has far has fuck you in public places when she really is desperate.

Quirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

Well her mind reading abilities is really usefull sometimes when you feel down and don't want to talk about it. She just have to take a peek into your kind and give you exactly what you need to feel better, it's generally her attention.

Romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Of course she's creative Missy is a time lord as old as doctor who, she have seen many things in her life and she would obviously do pretty much everything in her power to make you happy, whatever it takes. She's not he biggest of romantic but if she knows you like to get gift and attention including romantic gesture she would be happy to oblige.

Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Honestly your lady would try to help you the best she can, but if it's a goal related to your mortal life she wouldn't really know how to do so. However she would always be the one to motivate you and encourage you for them.

Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

The blue eyes time lady love action, she like when things are spicy and dangerous, so if course she would like change into your relashionship to make it more exciting, however she is not against slow and calm day with routine.

Understanding - How good do they know

their partner? Are they empathetic?

She knows you very well, practically like she had made you, she knows what she need to do and how to act to make you happy and what not to do. She knows your taste, your weakness and she feel very proud that she know the person she loved so much.

Vanity - How concerned are they with their looks?

Missy is realllllyyyy concern of her apparence, she like to look classy and pretty, she love putting makeup all the time and to wear perfume.

Wardrobe - (What would they wear to impress you?)

Your mistress knows that you like her dresses and the way she look in her every day routine, so she just wear her cloths normally, however if she feel like pimwnting things up a little, you wouldn't go against the idea of a leater outfit of sexy garments.

Yearning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

She wouldn't admit it but Missy is not really capable of staying to far away from you. She can't bare really well being separated from you no mather if it's for a day of a week. She's grown so used to being with you all the time and she just crave you always. It's even hard for her in public to keep her hands off you.

Zzzz- How are they when they sleep? 

When your lover does sleep, she is quite peacefull, surprisingly so because she never is when she is awake. Missy have a really light sleep, she wake up easily and normaly always keep a hold on you, keeping your body close to her in a protective manner. She hate when she wake up and your not in her arms anymore, it makes her mad and she gets upset.

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