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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 3 years

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Psycho Analysis: Lucifer/Satan

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Please allow me to introduce this villain. He’s a man of wealth and taste...

Satan, or Lucifer, or whatever of the hundreds of names across multiple religions, folk tales, urban legends, movies, books, songs, video games, and more that you choose to call him, is without a doubt the biggest bad of them all. He is not just a villain; he is the villain, the bad guy your other bad guys answer to, the lord of Hell. If there’s a bad deed, he’s done it, if there’s a problem, he’s behind it. There’s nothing beneath him, and that’s not just because he’s at the very bottom of Hell. He is the root cause of all the misery in the entire world.

And if we’re talking about Satan, we gotta talk about Lucifer too. They weren’t always supposed to be one and the same, but over centuries of artistic depictions and reimaginings they’ve been conflated into one being, a being that is a lot more layered and interesting than just a simple adversary for the good to overcome when handled properly.

Motivation/Goals: Look, it’s Satan. His main goal is to be as evil as possible, do bad things, cause mischief and mayhem. Rarely does anything good come from Satan being around. If he is one and the same as Lucifer, expect there to be some sort of plot about him rebelling against God, as according to modern interpretations Lucifer fought against God in battle and was then cast out, falling from grace like lightning. When the Lucifer persona is front and center, raging against the heavens tends to be a big part of his schemes, but when the big red devil persona is out and about, expect temptations to sin, birthing the Antichrist, or tempting people to sell their souls.

Performance: Satan has been portrayed by far too many people over the years to even consider keeping count of, though some notable performances of the character or at least characters who are clearly meant to be Satan include the nuanced anti-villain take of the character Viggo Mortensen portrayed in The Prophecy; the sympathetic homosexual man portrayed by Trey Parker in South Park and its film; the hard-rocking badass Dave Grohl portrayed in Tencaious D’s movie; Robin Hughes as a sneaky, double-crossing bastard in “The Howling Man” episode of The Twilight Zone; the big red devil from Legend known as Darkness, played by Tim Curry; the shapeshifting angel named Satan from The Adventures of Mark Train who will make you crap your pants; and while not portrayed by anyone due to being entirely voiceless, Chernabog from Disney’s Fantasia is definitely noteworthy in regards to cinematic depictions of the devil.

Final Thoughts & Score: Satan is a villain whose sheer scope dwarfs almost every other villain in history. It’s not even remotely close, either; Satan pops up in stories all around the world, is the greater-scope villain of most varieties of three major religions, and his very name is shorthand for “really, really evil.” Every other villain I have ever discussed and reviewed wishes they could be a byword for being bad to the bone. Even Dracula, one of the single most important villains in fiction, looks puny in comparison to Satans villainous accomplishments.

Satan in old religious texts tended to be an utterly horrifying force of nature, until Medieval times began portray him as a dopey demon trying to tempt the faithful (and failing). Folklore and media have gone back and forth, portraying both in equal measure – you have the desperate, fiddle-playing devil from “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” and the unseen, unfathomable Satan who may or may not exist in the Marvel comics universe who other demons live in fear of the return of. Satan is just a very interesting and malleable antagonist, one who is defined just enough that he can make a massive, formidable force while still being enough of a blank slate that you can project any sort of personality traits onto him to build an intriguing foe.

One of the most famous examples of this in action is the common depiction of Satan as the king of hell. This doesn’t really have much basis in religion; he’s as much a prisoner as anyone else, though considering how impressive a prisoner he is, he’d be like the big guy at the top of the pecking order in any jail for sure. But still, the idea of Satan as the ruler of hell was clearly conceived by someone and proved such an intriguing concept that so many decided to run with it.

I think that’s what truly makes Satan such an interesting villain, in that he’s almost a community-built antagonist. People over the ages have added so much lore, personality, and power to him that is only vaguely alluded to in old religions to the point where they have all become commonplace in depictions of the big guy, and there really isn’t any other villain to have quite this magnitude on culture as a whole. It shouldn’t be any shock that Satan is an 11/10; rating him any lower would be a heinous crime only he is capable of.

But see, the true sign of how amazing he is is the sheer number of ways one can interpret him. You have versions that are just vague embodiments of all that is bad and unholy, such as Chernabog from Fantasia, you have more nuanced portrayals like the one Viggo Mortensen played in The Prophecy, you have outright sympathetic ones like the one from South Park… Satan is just a villain who can be reshaped and reworked as a creator sees fit and molded into something that fits the narrative they want. I guess what I’m trying to say is that not only is Lucifer/Satan one of the greatest villains of all, he’s also one of the single greatest characters of all time.

Now, there are far too many depictions of Satan for me to have seen them all, but I have seen quite a lot. Here’s how Old Scratch has fared over the millennia in media of various forms, though keep in mind this is by no means a comprehensive or exhaustive lsit:

“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” Devil:

I think this is one of my favorite devils in any fiction ever, simply because of what a good sport he is. Like, there is really no denying that Johnny’s stupid little fiddle ditty about chickens or whatever sucks major ass, and yet Satan (who had moments before summoned up demonic hordes to rip out some Doom-esque metal for the contest) gave him the win and the golden fiddle. What a gracious guy! He’s a 9/10 for sure, though I still wish we knew how his rematch ended…

Chernabog:

Chernabog technically doesn’t do anything evil, and he never says a word, and yet everything about him is framed as inherently sinister. It’s really no wonder Chernabog has become one of the most famous and beloved parts of Fantasia alongside Yen Sid and Sorcerer Mickey; he’s infinitely memorable, and really, how can he not be? He’s the devil in a Disney film, not played for laughs and instead made as nightmarishly terrifying as an ancient demon god should be. Everything about him oozes style, and every movement and gesture begets a personality that goes beyond words. Chernabog doesn’t need to speak to tell you that he is evil incarnate; you just know, on sight, that he is up to no good.

Quite frankly, the implications of Chernabog’s existence in the Disney canon are rather terrifying. Is he the one Maleficent called upon for power? Is he the one all the villains answer to? Do you think Frollo saw him after God smote him? And what exactly did he gain by attacking Sora at the end of Kingdom Hearts? All I know for sure is that Chernabog is a 10/10.

Lucifer (The Prophecy):

Viggo Mortensen has limited screentime, but in that time he manages to be incredibly creepy, misanthropic… and yet, also, on the side of good. Of course, he’s doing it entirely for self-serving reasons (he wants humanity around so he can make them suffer), but credit where credit is due. The man manages to steal a scene from under Christopher Walken, I think that’s worth a 10/10.

Satan (South Park):

Portraying Satan as a sympathetic gay man was a pretty bold choice, and while he certainly does fall into some stereotypes, he’s not really painted as bad or morally wrong for being gay, and ends up more often than not being a good (if sometimes misguided) guy who just wants to live his life. Plus he gets a pretty sweet villain song, though technically it’s more of an “I want” song than anything. Ah well, a solid 8/10 for him is good.

Satan (Tenacious D):

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It’s Dave Grohl as Satan competing in a rock-off against JB and KG. Literally everything about this is perfect, even if he’s only in the one scene. 10/10 for sure.

Robot Devil:

Futurama’s take on the devil is pretty hilarious and hammy, but then Futurama was always pretty on point. He’s a solid 8/10, because much like South Park’s devil he gets a fun little villain song with a guest apearance by the Beastie Boys, not to mention his numerous scams like when he stole Fry’s hands. He’s just a fun, hilarious asshole.

The Howling Man:

The Twilight Zone has many iconic episodes, and this one is absolutely one of them. While the devil is the big twist, that scene of him transforming as he walks between the pillars is absolutely iconic, and was even used by real-life villain Kevin Spacey in the big reveal of The Usual Suspects. This one is a 9/10 for sure, especially given the ending that implies this will all happen again (as per usual with the show).

The Darkness:

While he’s more devil-adjacent than anything and is more likely to be the son of Satan rather than the actual man himself, it’s hard not to give a shout-out to the big, buff demon played by Tim Curry in some of the most fantastic prosthetics and makeup you will ever see. He gets a 9/10 for the design alone, the facty he’s Tim Curry is icing on the cake.

#Psycho Analysis #Satan #Lucifer

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one-more-fangirl · 3 years

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My everyday text (2) - Owen Joyner

(gif not mine! credits to owner)

owen joyner x oc

summary: oc goes to a party for halloween and calls owen drunk. he’s worried

warnings: underage drinking (bc rowe’s 20), swears, mentions of sex

a/n: this has a part one that i recommend you read to read this one and a part three that you can decide if you wanna read

masterlist

***

It was a day before Halloween, and I was debating on whether to stay in my apartment dressed up and with a marathon of Halloween movies and a bunch of sweets like I used to do with Mads, or go out with Nora and her now boyfriend and some friends to a college party. Nora was very adamant on the second one.

“I’m just saying, you’ve been very stressed lately and you deserve to let go and go crazy. Get in a hot or cute costume, have fun, get drunk if you want to, maybe meet someone” she gave me a suggestive look and I rolled my eyes “Oh come on, Rowan! You need to get laid!”

“Nora!” I laughed, this time getting her to roll her eyes “I don’t know if I want to meet someone, even if it’s just for a one-night-stand”

“Are you serious?! Rowe, you spent all last year with one-night-stands! Believe me, I know. I have a list”

“No you don’t” I gaped, but Nora only hummed nonchalantly “Why would you have that?!”

“Well, people were coming in and out of here at least three times a week, and I was thinking that maybe I should’ve started to make them pay rent, ‘cause they always ate something from our cupboards. But then I thought that that would technically make you a prostitute, so I decided against it” while I still looked at my friend with a slacked jaw, I found myself not finding it that weird. Conversations like this were normal around here.

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t want a one-night-stand, it feels wrong for some reason”

“Is this because of that boy you talk to on FaceTime?”

“Which one? I talk to Owen, Char and Jer” it was true.

I had talked to all three boys on FaceTime. I didn’t talk to Charlie or Jeremy as much as Owen, but we had still had our times when we’d kick Owen out of his own call and talked with them alone, and I liked to think of them as my new friends too. Other times I’d just hang up on him and call any of the others —that I knew, because apparently there were a lot of people in this secret project I didn’t know about—, and most of the time I talked with them it was just a massive group call of us being stupid. Same thing happened when Jadah joined Madi and I.

“Which one?” Nora asked incredulously “The blond! The one that flirts with you! The guy! You fucking wrote him a song, Rowan!”

“I wrote you a song too. And he can’t flirt for shit”

“But it’s different! You like this boy, there’s deep feelings in that song. Mine is literally about how much you love me because I bring you pizza”

“Okay so maybe I have a crush on Owen!” I admitted “It’s not like I’m gonna do something about it, you know what happened the last time I had a crush on a friend. I don’t want that to happen again”

“Sweetie, you can’t just block romantic feelings for everyone” Nora sat down next to me and placed her hand on my knee “You were bound to fall for someone again, it’s not something you can’t control”

“Yeah, I know” I sighed “Okay, so what kind of costume did you have in mind?”

The blond smiled excitedly and jumped up, running to her closet.

[...]

“Happy Halloween!” Madison cheered on her side of the screen “What are you gonna do? We’re going to have a party over here, I’m dressing as a devil and Jadah is going as an angel”

“Fitting” I nodded “How much candy have you had?”

“None. But I did have three coffees. Day started early, and I was basically falling asleep while I was standing”

“God, Dee. Anyways, I’m going to a party at a faculty. Nora lent me a black dress and bought me a pair of black feathered wings. Her words were “Rowan, you’re going as a raven”. But just in case, she also bought me some Maleficent horns, because I’ll probably end up losing the wings”

“A party? You going back home with someone?” she arched a brow as she whispered the las sentence, eyeing around her.

“Why does everybody think I’m taking someone home? I’m not!”

“Who’s not taking anyone home after a party?”

“Jeremy! My man! Can you please take my side? Is it really that weird that I’m not having a one-night-stand?”

“He doesn’t count! He doesn’t know how you were last year”

“I don’t, but I’d love to know” he quickly sat down, completely ignoring my offended look.

“You’re such a gossip. You already know about my famous crushes you don’t need to know about my love life status”

“Hey, you told me about them” he pointed his finger accusingly at me.

“But you didn’t stop me! You even made comments about some” I crossed my arms.

“Is it because of Owen that you’re not taking anyone home?” he arched a brow, smirking when he saw my blush and sharing a look with Madi.

“What about you, Jer?” I quickly changed the subject “What’s your love life look like? Girlfriend? Boyfriend?”

“He’s way passed that” Madison smirked “He’s engaged”

“No he’s not!” I gasped as a small smile and a giant blush appeared on the boy’s face “How did I not know that? You’re supposed to brag to everyone about your fiancée, dude. I wanna know about them”

“Her name’s Carolynn” he started, and once he started, there was no stopping.

I ended that call knowing the whole story about how the soon to be husband and wife met, how they had started dating, how wonderful and amazing she was and how happy Jeremy was with her. I couldn’t help the smile on my face as I watched him talk about Carolynn, it was very obvious he was very much in love with her and that he couldn’t wait to be married to her. Madi looked exactly like me, it was impossible not to smile at him.

[...]

“Hello?” I couldn’t quite comprehend the tiredness in the other person’s voice, but then again, I couldn’t quite walk straight “Rowan? You there? Why are you calling me at- four in the morning?”

“Owen! ¡Hola!” my tone was probably too overly cheery and happy, but I could care less in that moment “How are you?”

“Are you okay?” there was shuffling heard from his line, like he was moving on his spot.

“Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be?” the words came out slurred.

“Are you drunk?” if I had been in a normal state, I would’ve probably identified the disbelief in his voice, but like I’ve pointed out a couple of times now, I wasn’t.

“Just a tiny bit” I neared my thumb and index fingers and narrowed my eyes, ignoring the fact that he couldn’t see me.

“Where are you, Rowes?”

“I’ve been walking around campus for a while now” I giggled “I can’t find my apartment. It’s usually with the residences, but I can’t find those either”

“Okay, uh... Rowan? I need you to listen to me, are you listening to me?” I hummed, nodding my head along “Okay, you know where the apartment is. I need want you to get there, can you do that for me?”

“Of course silly. I’ll do whatever you want” I smirked.

“As much as I like you flirting with me, it’s really not the moment”

“You’re no fun, I’m gonna call Milo. Maybe I can find him around here and we can go somewhere” I frowned and pulled the phone away from my ear, ready to hang up and call the funny tall boy Nora had introduced to me two days before and was now my best friend.

“Wait, wait, wait! Don’t hang up please! I just want you to get home safely. If you need to flirt with me while you do it, you can. I’m just worried”

“Aw, Owen, you’re such a softy. It’s one of the reasons I fell for you” I cooed “Don’t worry, cutie. I’ll get home just fine” and then I hung up.

I ignored all the text messages that popped up in my screen from different people, let all the calls ring and just kept walking. I did eventually get to our little apartment, and fell face first on my bed, not bothering to take my make up or contacts off. I was sleeping within three minutes.

[...]

I woke up the next day with a massive headache, and with a lot of trouble to open my eyes. “Fucking contacts. Fucking party. Fucking Nora. Fucking drinks. Fucking stupid brain.”

My phone rung in that moment, making me groan. I picked it up, answering the call.

“So loud. Cállate. Shut the hell up” I whined at whoever called me.

“You picked up. Oh my God, guys! I have her!” I furrowed my brows as I recognized Jadah’s voice, forcing myself to get up and make my way to the bathroom.

I rummaged the cabinet trying to find a pill for my headache. I placed my phone in speaker as I took my lenses off.

“Rowan María Flores! What the hell were you thinking?!” I knew that voice. That was Mr. Reyes, using his dad tone on me.

“H-Hey, King” I said hesitantly.

“Do not “King” me, señorita. Do you know how worried we all were?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked “I hardly remember anything from last night” I admitted embarrassed “But I just woke up, so it should all be coming back in the next half hour”

“You called Owen drunk, saying you were lost in the campus, Rowan” Charlie spoke, calling me by my name instead of the nickname he was adamant in using “Then you just hung up on him and never picked your phone up again. He woke me up in the middle of the morning worried sick and stressed out”

Guilt washed over me like a waterfall. When had I done that? Why had I done that? “Dammit drunk me”

“We didn’t know what to do, so we called Madi and Mr. Reyes and the others” he continued “We’ve all been trying to call you since. Your phone probably has millions of messages and lost calls”

“Are you okay?” Madison’s voice sounded broken, and all I could do was stutter out a “Yeah”. “Thank God. We were so worried, Ro-Ro”

“I’m so sorry” I whispered “I didn’t want to make you all go through this. Oh my God, what have I done” I ran my hands through my hair, looking down at the sink “Is uh- is Owen there?” I cleared my throat.

“I’m calling you” he stated instead of answering. He didn’t sound happy.

The phone call ended and two minutes later his contact name was requesting a FaceTime. I gulped. I didn’t care in the slightest of my appearance with my messy hair and smudged dark make-up, but I knew how he had been feeling for the past hours, because I had experienced it too with some friends. It was a terrible feeling of being worried for them and slightly panicking, scared because I couldn’t go save them, as I didn’t know where they were. He knew where I had been, but he couldn’t exactly jump on a plane to come save me.

I shakily hit the “Accept” button and breathed in.

“What were you thinking, Rowan?!” he all but exclaimed when he appeared on the screen.

His hair was the messiest I’d seen it —and I’d seen it just out of bed— and he had bloodshot eyes with bags under them. He only had a pair of sweatpants on, like he hadn’t bothered changing at all.

I couldn’t utter a word, my throat had completely closed, and he took it as his cue to continue.

“Do you know how worried we were? How worried I was? You call me at four in the morning, telling me you can’t find your place while you’re drunk, alone, after a party and on Halloween! And then you hang up and you don’t answer anymore! You’ve no idea what kind of scenarios were going through my head! I was this close to hop on a plane to make sure you were okay! Fucking hell, Rowan!”

“I-I’m sorry” I repeated, tears about to spill from my eyes “It’s just, it was Halloween, and I wanted to have fun, release all the stress and forget about the problems, a-and I lost track of how many drinks I was having, and next thing I knew, I was super drunk. I shouldn’t have called you, I only made you worried. God, what was drunk me thinking?”

I shut my eyes closed for a second and let my breath go, hearing him do the same. His voice was softer the next time he talked.

“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not, but I get that you wanted to let loose” he rubbed his face “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I’m sorry. Shit, it was just so scary, you know? Not knowing what would happen to you”

“I get it” I assured “I’ve been through it too. So I know how it feels, and I can’t believe I made you feel it. I am so stupid”

“Hey, no. Let’s talk about something else. How about you get all that make-up off and freshen up? You look a little dead”

“Hey!” I shouted, only to hold my head and wince “I hope the pill kicks in quickly, otherwise I think I’ll die for real”

I took some cotton pads and my make-up remover, looking at my mirror to make sure I got it all off. I then left the camera to change into comfier clothes and came back to Owen with a sweater on and fiddling with his fingers.

“Rowes?” he called, and I hummed to show him that I was listening “There’s this thing you said yesterday, and I didn’t notice it at first, but I kinda ran over the conversation a million times in my head-”

“Owen, what did I say” I chuckled “It can’t be that bad”

“You said I was a softy” I rolled my eyes, but then he continued “and that it was one of the reasons you fell for me”

My mouth fell into a perfect “o”, and I felt my cheeks and neck get hotter. He was red too, but had a small smile on his lips. I stuttered trying to make out an excuse, but his chuckle cut me off.

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” he said with a smirk “Or a woman’s in this case. I knew you were crazy for me, Flores” I furrowed my brows at his teasing. Was he really making fun of me for having fallen for him? “Don’t look at me like that, Rowes. I like you too. A lot” he laughed a little “But it’s always me that is left stuttering whenever you flirt with me, so I thought I’d take advantage of it” he shrugged.

“You little shit!” I laughed “I’d kiss you if I could” I grinned, causing his smile to get bigger, if it was possible.

“First thing I’m gonna do when we meet, after squeezing you in a hug”

“Deal. I’ll sing you your song”

“Can’t wait”

“Yeah, me neither”

[...]

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#owen joyner imagine #owen joyner #owen patrick joyner #julie and the phantoms #charlie gillespie #madison reyes #jadah marie #jeremy shada #netflix

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hitchell-mope · 4 years

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(Third film. After “ready as I’ll ever be”. In the woods of Auradon)

Lonnie (on her cellphone to Elsa): thank you your majesty. See you soon. (She hangs up). Ok. So we got Agrabah, Arendelle and New Orleans on our side.

Dizzy: what about Auroria and Cinderellasburg?

Jane: you know it just occurred to me how stupid some of these names sound

Lonnie (shrugging): we didn’t name em. Auroria. Possibly. Cinderellasburg. I dunno. Remember it’s her son who’s the homicidal maniac.

Dizzy: true

(In Ben’s office the three villains are looking at smoking hole in the carpet where the king once was)

Maleficent: is he dead

Chad: I dunno. Never done this before. Just thought of what would hurt him and did that. Dunno where that ball came from

Adam: what exactly would hurt him.

Chad: I think it was something to do with you sir

Adam: well he did destroy my portrait. And you had better hope he’s not dead. If he is then he’ll be used as a martyr and the bastards will be even harder to subjugate.

Maleficent: oh don’t worry. The bodies scattered throughout the kingdom? They’re merely asleep. The wand won’t allow otherwise. And a rookie did perform it after al

Adam: so what next?

Maleficent: I need to hunt down the ember and hopefully capture my daughter. You two make sure that the boy isn’t found by his allies.

Chad: Roger

Adam: we are not on a walkie-talkie

Chad (hopefully): but we could be?

Adam: no. You still have your cell

Maleficent: and you have a telapthic link with me. Adieu gentleman

(She disappears into purple smoke)

Chad: ooh I almost forgot. Where’s Audrey

Adam: don’t know don’t care. She’s not important. And she’s thrown in her lot with the villain spawn. She’s not worth saving son

Chad: I did this for her. I need to tell her. She can finally be my queen

Adam: and if she doesn’t want to? Because your skin is peeling off on your cheek

Chad: then I’ll make her. I have the wand. A little trance and then we dance.

Adam: whatever you think is best. Prince Chad of Auradon

Chad: I like that name

(On the island Facillier Celia and the boys have just sat down for lunch)

Carlos: god I forgot how good your cooking was

Facillier: well I’m glad I can still do something for you children. Even if it isn’t much

Gil: this is more then enough sir

Jay: to be honest I kinda missed this. Running away from Jafar. Coming here. Playing arcade games. Having proper good and not glass lined stew. Thank you

Facillier: your very welcome Jay. I have two extra slices for the girls when they come back from their fathers. Would they be interested

Gil: Evie would

Carlos: mom won’t. Vegetarian. But dad probably wil. If not then 🎶more for me🎶.

Jay: I’m done. I’ll put them on the bikes. You go play some games.

Carlos: ahaha I don’t think so. Not after yesterday. I’m coming with you. Don’t even try to stop me

Jay: and miss out on quality time with you? What am I? And idiot? Don’t answer that, just assume the position

(Carlos happily jumps in Jay’s back and they leave the arcade. The silence doesn’t last long)

Jay (from outside): HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK!!!!

(Carlos scurries back in slightly out of breath)

Carlos: the Hook’s stole our bikes. Jay’s chasing them. How long do you think mom and Evie will be at their dads?

Facillier: I don’t know. Why do they want there bikes

Carlos: the blonde said something about revenge redemption and repentance

Facillier: shit

Carlos: what

Celia: Harry’s alive. And they know.

(Outside the sisters Hook are on the bikes and Jay is chasing them. The give him the slip and he takes a shortcut which ends with him crashing through the apartment of someone he knows)

Jay: good thing I can’t get hurt

Cassim: Jay?

Jay: Cassim? You moved?

Cassim: I’m squatting.

Jay: of course. When this is all over I’m coming back for you personally. I need my grandpa after all

Cassim: Aladdin adopted you?

Jay: yup.

Cassim: I’m glad. Now what the hell are you doing

Jay: the Hook bitches stole two of our bikes. Trying to get them back.

Cassim: then go son, go

(Jay teleports away from the apartment straight into the girls path. They crash into him, flip over and land in a pile of crates against the wall)

Jay: you know. I have it on good authority that this is where your brother landed last year. After my friend stabbed him in the dick

Cj: don’t speak his NAME!

(She screams and aims a knife at his throat. He holds her wrist stopping her in the process. There’s a cracking sound)

Jay: do you really think you can hurt me. (Harriet tries to att ack him but he sweeps her legs from under her, she land on her back and he puts a foot on her throat) both of you are just as pathetic as your brother. Now. Tell me (his eyes glow bright gold) why did you steal the bikes?

Harriet (slowly suffocating): Harry. He’s, he’s

Jay: he’s what?

(In hades lair mother and son have just finished their talk)

Harry (still in disbelief): he though she was a mermaid. Oh god the injuicetus of it all

Hades: the what

Harry: it’s not fair. I can’t be related to those. Hold on. Do I have magic?

Hades: I don’t know. You might be a Vernon. James, while very bloodthirsty and oh so confident

Harry: yuck

Hades: is 100% fully human. So I don’t know if you have it in you.

Evie: and besides what do you care if you’re half mermaid? Your owner is an octopus. You haven’t got a leg to stand on

Harry: ohoho neither does the king kid sister

Evie: don’t call me that you have NO RIGHT

Harry: if I have magic. I’ll be more powerful then you

Evie: oh you think so do you? You’re only half god. The rest of you is stanky part human. I’m half sorceress. Mal’s half dark fairy. We’re better then you. In every way shape and form.

(This is when “anything you can do” happens. After the song)

Mal: are you two quote finished? Only cause I really want to get home before the kingdom falls and my fiancé dies

Evie (scoffing): of course. It’s always about what you want. You don’t even care that I’m in a crisis

Mal: I’m sorry what was that?

Evie: oh nothing. As always you’re too wrapped up in your own crap to see I’m suffering

Mal: oh my apologies dear sister. But who’s god awful advice last year led to the deaths of sixteen members of the paparazzi?

Evie: you’re the one that lost control. And then tried to kill me.

Mal: I was pissed that Ben got kidnapped. I also tasered Harry in the neck and nearly crushed Gil’s aorta in a fit of magic induced psychosis. You’re not special

(At this point the guys speak simultaneously)

Harry: you did what to Gil?

Hadie: you killed sixteen people?

Hades: that explains the magical history tour

Mal: Uma tore out my own heart and made me put it back, we used the book to resurrect them and yes the attempted sororicide is what led to it

Hades: wow. And. After all that. You still want to help.

Mal (shrugging): I live there. I have to help. Who else will?

Hades: the authorities. I don’t get it. After everything you’ve been through. Your mother. The coronation. The whatever it was the news called it last year

Evie: the green cyclone. It a lot PR to get rid of. I should know. I was in charge of it

Hades: and now this boy your mother possessed. You’re not thinking about yourself when you really should. By all means. Be all who you think they need you to be. Or be none of it. You don’t owe them or this world a thing. You never did.

Mal: is that from man of steel?

Hades: possibly. We get a lot of old used up films here

Mal: I never really paid attention to the movie besides the two leads

Evie: OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

Mal: ...I think we need to talk. We can use your den right dad?

Hades: be my guest

Mal: thank you. CMON!

(She teleports Evie and her self to the den and seals the place)

Mal: now c’mon. Spill. Out with it

Evie: out with what?

Mal: the reason you’ve been pissy since the altercation we all had with Adam

Evie: I just...don’t...see...why you’re... ok with all this

Mal: oh?

Evie: he left us. With them. And I know he had his reasons. But they doesn’t excuse or lessen what he did. And I’m so...angry. That you seem fine with it. And it’s not fair. You have the height. More magic. The title. I love Doug and I can’t even say it to him. You’re the main character in this little soap opera that is our lives and I’m on the fringe of it all trying desperately to get a major part. But of course. Your story way isn’t it. And it’s always been like this. Ever since we were thirteen and I stabbed it in the leg. Got a quick hug from Carlos and he rushed straight into your arms and you punted next into the barrier. It’s irrational. And illogical. But I’m not a Vulcan. I have my own shit to sort out and it just feel like I’m constantly waiting out there for it to be my turn. I I.

(This is when “waiting in the wings happens”)

Mal: wow. And yet you’ve never tried out for choir

Evie: hey!

Mal: sorry. But seriously. You’ve been holding onto this whatever this is. For what? Ten years?

Evie: I hate that you’re right. I hate that you’re coining and I’m not. And I hate

Mal: you think I’m coping? I hate it too. I hate that he left us just as much as you do. But I do understand it. If I couldn’t be near Carlos I’d do whatever I could to keep him safe. Even if it meant ceasing all contact. And I know you’d do that for Dizzy and Gil would do that for the twins. I don’t like it but I understand it.

Evie: I guess.

Mal: ready to go back in now?

Evie: fine

(They go back to the main room only to seek new problem)

Harry (absolutely incensed): WHADYA MEAN I LOST A YEAR OF MY LIFE!

The sisters (unimpressed): this should be interesting

(At the arcade. The Hook sisters are ties back to back on the dinner table. Carlos is having a minor breakdown)

Carlos: woah woah wait. So you’re telling me. That the bastard that’s haunted my nightmares since I was eleven years old. Is the son of hades, Mal and Evie’s older brother. And you never THOUGHT TO TELL ANYONE

Harriet: why would we AAAAAAAAARGH

(Jay just flexed the cord binding the two sending an exceedingly painful electric shock through both of them)

Jay: yeah. You don’t get to talk to Carlos. Neither of you deserve to talk to Carlos.

Cj: we only require the presence of one.

Jay: English please

Gil: me. CJ’s talking about me. What do you want.

Cj: do you even care. Did you even think about them. All year long. You forgot them. Traitor

Gil (with more calmness then they deserve): I do care. I come here with my brother and our friends every Friday and I help with the relocation. As for Uma and Harry. They terrify me. They gave me the same look you’re giving me right now when I left. Uma wanted to get out of here, who wouldn’t, but when anything doesn’t go her way she turns cold and horrible. Harry, well, you know how he is. I loved them. And I know they loved me. But they terrify me. And you don’t terrify people you love. So no. I’m not the traitor. No matter what you say.

Jay: how long have you known?

Harriet: since Hadie brought him to the ship 19 1/2 years ago. I was three. I named him after meself.

Celia (unimpressed): huh inspired.

Harriet: if pa knew he had made it with a god who can take a lady’s form at will and sired a child in the process. Harry wouldn’t have lived to say his first words. And don’t either you dare say that it woulda been a good thing

Carlos (muttering): well

Harriet: SHUDDIT. It didn’t help. Father hated him. Insulted him. Tried to hurt him. It’s why I broke both his legs and poked out his eye. Everything I’ve ever done is to protect my brother and sister. And I’ll not have him be put at risk because his whore of a mother couldn’t keep her pissing mouth shut!

Jay (chuckling): I’m sorry have you MET your brother?

Harriet: yes. He’s an angel has a great respect for women. Would kill for his family. I raised him right

Jay: you raised a perverted overly violet ambiance is what you did

Carlos: I just hope that mom and Evie kill him before he gets here

(In the lair Harry’s having one of his patented meltdowns)

Harry: I remember HAHAHAHA I rememhahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA

Evie: May I?

Hades: May you what?

(Evie walks up to her mortal older brother and slaps him around the face so hard he spins in perfect 360 and falls on his face slapped cheek landing on the floor painfully)

Harry: owwww

Mal: you’ve lost a year of your life. Big rotting whoop. You’re still nineteen

Harry: that’s even worse. I should still be young and beautiful

(The girls burst into hysterical laughter. So much so they actually start choking on air. Their brother is unimpressed)

Harry: so not only do you hate me. You think I’m ugly

Mal (trying very hard to keep a straight face): you are not a 12 year old girl and I am not your mother. So yes. Your hideously repulsive to me. More to the point. You’re nothing. You were born nothing. And god willing you’ll die nothing. You repulse me and everyone you know. The only reason our cousin ever kept you around is because she felt sorry for you

(Harry slaps her around the face. In turn she punches him in his face. Then uses magic to screw him up into a tiny little ball. And kicks him into the tv. After which he unfurls himself looking very much the worse for wear. This is when “you’re a mean one mister Hook” happens. After the song)

Evie: so you think we can leave him here as a moulding husk?

Mal (ruefully glancing at their father): I highly doubt it. The Samaritan here will probably heal him.

Evie: ooh idea time

Mal: yeah.

Evie: a repeat of last year. We take it hostage. And make Uma comply to our demands.

Mal: hmmmmm tempting. Can we still keep it beaten bloody and broken.

Hadie: ok this has been alluded to but I gotta know! What did he do. If he’s just in a different gang to you what could he have possibly done to make you hate him so much?

Mal: he attacked my son five years ago. He kidnapped my boyfriend and tried to throw him to sharks

Evie: he extorted my daughter for protection money. He fought my boyfriend last year

Harry: the dwarf stabbed me in the dick

The sister rotten: YOU DESERVE IT

Mal: he’s a foul vile disgusting little troglodyte who deserves eternal torment

Evie: he’s literally a bastard son of a bitch, father

Hades: somehow I think that was directed at me

Evie: ohoho if you’re ever going to be sure of anything in your too long life, be sure that every insult I currently have racing around in my brain is directed at you

Hades: thank you dear

Mal: we should get going

Evie: agreed

Mal: first though dad. Two questions. One. May I have the ember please? (He tosses it to her). Much obliged. Two. Come with us. Please?

Hades (looking guiltily ashamed): ah

Hadie: our dear old dad has barely left the lair. Yesterday’s incident was the first time he’s gone that far since

Evie: my second birthday. Of course

Hades: I’m sorry. I am so so sorry. I just. I can’t risk you, any of you, getting hurt because of me.

Mal (disappointedly): ah. Oh well. That’s fine. Long shot anyway. C’mon E. Wait.

Hadie: what’s wrong.

Mal: that (she points at Harry’s unconscious form). What’re we gonna do with it?

Evie: we’re gonna have to take him with us. A genuine hostage situation. If Uma tries anything. We threaten it’s life

Mal: I like those odds. (She conjures up a hair thin coil of rope and hogties Harry with it). There. That should do the trick

Hadie: doesn’t that hurt him

The sisters rotten: who cares?

(They leave the lair with the pirate railing behind like a deformed balloon. Once they’re at the arcade Evie stops Mal just before the dragon goes inside )

Evie: wait wait wait!

Mal: what what what?

Evie: ok. First of all. Uncalled for. Second of all. What do we tell the others about that?

(She points to Harry)

Mal: the truth

Evie: ok I know you have this “I don’t lie” policy, which is frankly bullshit, but sometimes lying is better

Mal: they’ll find out anyway. No use in letting it fester. C’mon

(They enter the arcade. And immediately notice the hook sisters chained up on the table)

Mal: hey guys. What’s going on?

Jay: they stole our bikes. Mine and Carlos’s bikes they were trying to find Pennywise

Harriet (happy cry/laughing): oh my god. You’re alive AAAARGH

Jay (holding the ignited and still burning chain): hush bitch.

Carlos: is it true mom?

Mal: yes.

Carlos: you and Evie I understand. But him. Dear god hades have some self respect

Evie: Hook thought she was a mermaid

Carlos: she?

Mal: Hades is Harry’s mother. Mine and Evie’s father. Harry’s mother

Carlos: huh, makes sense

Evie: in other news. I’m a day younger than Mal. The result of a rebound apparently

Mal: Maleficent left the morning after the wedding night.

Carlos (massaging the bridge of his nose): that’s a lot of information to get in thirty seconds

Mal: sorry hon.

Celia: what do we do now?

Jay: take all three of them hostage. If Uma tries anything. Off them one by one

Carlos Evie and Celia: agreed

Mal: Gil, buddy, you’ve not said anything yet. You ok?

Gil: how is he?

Facillier: he’s fine son. He’s preserved. Intact. He’s

Gil: is he still mad. About last year.

Cj: if he’s retained the sense Harriet taught him he’ll be mad as all get out

(The core four and Celia exchange a look that says “this explains so much)

Carlos: we’ve got to wake it up don’t we?

Mal: sadly yes. Jay you’re much more level headed than oh no...

(Her attentions turned to the tv where an emergency news report is airing. In Arendelle Elsa is preparing her leave)

Anna: how long are you gonna be gone?

Elsa: as long as my daughter needs me.

Anna: well then. Beat the bastards.

Elsa: oh believe me. I will.

(She takes her rucksack and teleports away to Auradon. She slams into a dome two hundwred miles from the castle and falls to the forest floor. Back on the island Hadie’s on his exercise bike. Hades however)

Hades: I made the right choice didn’t I? It’s not a good idea for me to go. So I shouldn’t. But I should. Bugger it. I don’t know. What do you think? What should I do

(Hadie hops off the exercise bike and faces his dad)

Hadie: what do you want me to say father? You did what you thought was best. I told you not to go try and give her the ember yesterday and look what happened. And now you’re asking me if you made the right decision? I can’t tell you that. Sorry but I can’t

Hades: I know. And don’t be sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. Oooh. Idea.

Hadie: what?

Hades: go with them. Protect them.

Hadie: really?

Hades: yeah. Iri...Mal has the ember

Hadie: oh but they still don’t like you

Hades: but Mal likes you

Hadie: good point. I better get ready then

Hades: HAHA!

(This is when “I’m so sorry” happens. After the song. In the arcade. The news caster is fear-mongering)

Newscaster: we don’t know what’s happening. The black smoke descends and leaves people unconscious. It is believed that a villain may have escaped the barrier after Hades’s attempt yesterday afternoon. The king is missing and lady Mal is nowhere to be fargh (he lets out a strangled scream as his heart is ripped out of his back. His face goes slack and he speaks with Maleficent’s voice) I know you are watching dear. So do me the courtesy of paying attention for a change. I know he gave you the ember. For some reason he took quite a shine to me so it would make sense that you are the favourite. Can not fathom why though. You are basically useless and very difficult to love. Anyway. Give me the ember at your earliest convenience and return to the isle with me and the toffs will live. Fail to do so. And I shall kill every last man women and child in Auradon until only tour pathetic little friends are left. And I will make you do away with them. Just know Maleficent Bertha that if you deny me what happens is your fault. You’d choice sweetie. (The heart is placed back into the mans chest) I’m sorry I don’t know what happened for a minute there urk

(His neck twists violently to the left and he falls down dead)

Mal: oh no. Oh nononononononono.....

(She enters a verbal cycle that only Jay notices. He switches off the tv and gets on the dinner table)

Jay: ok. EVERYBODY OUT. NOW

(Everyone hightails it outside and he sits down beside Mal on the floor)

Jay: it’s ok. You’ll be fine.

Mal: you don’t know that

Jay: I do. I do know that. You know how I know that? This sort of thing has happened to us so many times before. And you know what we do? We win. Every. Single. Goddamn. Time. And besides. You have the one thing Maleficent or chad will never have.

Mal: what? What do I have

Jay: you have me. You’ll always have me. I’m always gonna be there for you. Whatever happens. Be sure if this. I’m here for you

(This is when “I’ll be there for you” happens.)

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

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prairiedust · 5 years

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The Folktales of Supernatural

Here is the third and probably last post in my trilogy of the folkloristics, folklore, and folktales of Supernatural. You do not have to read the first and second posts necessarily, but it is a series, so…

Anyways, in Unhuman Nature, Ross-Leming and Buckner gave us a thumbnail of season three’s main arc-- Dean’s imminent hell deal-- in Jack’s perfectest day evaar. However, Dean got to do for Jack what no one was able to do for him when he was living under the shadow of his own death. Instead of taking a joy ride, going fishing (or to the beach, come ON show,) or fine okay spending some time with a girl with daddy issues (come ON buckleming,) Dean took care of business and showed Sam how to take care of the car. When Sam was also undergoing the Trials, they were again racing against the clock. Cas, too, was under the shadow of the Leviathan infestation, and there was very little carpe in the few diems he had left until the creatures destroyed him. There was always the understanding in Unhuman Nature that TFW would be doing everything possible to save Jack, but while Sam and Cas were best tasked with trying to find a cure, Dean knew that what would be the right thing for Jack was not being in the bunker dwelling on his imminent demise, and living is a particularly Dean thing.

It was a wonderful way of retelling this particular series legend, and using that series “motif” in a new way (anyone want to tackle a Supernatural Motif Index LOLOLOL) to do the “what happens when a story is retold” theme.

So, to tie up this trilogy of close readings, I want to talk a little about how the European version of Sleeping Beauty is a good way to understand what else is going on thematically with the trifecta of recursion-retelling-mirroring that’s been going on.

There are very few citations here as the evolution of Sleeping Beauty is more or less accepted as general knowledge now-- the concept is explored in Folk and Fairy Tales 2nd edition, edited by Martin Hallett and Barbara Karasek. It’s also on Wikipedia, if you’re into that.

CW for discussion of the non-est con to ever non-con and other unsettling themes that are nonetheless perfectly ordinary in folklore.

Sleeping Beauty was once considered to be perhaps one of the most wholesome of the Grimms’ fairy tales, but (in pop culture at least) the shine is starting to wear off. I was playing the Ellen edition of Outburst with some people I didn’t even know about a month ago and one of the “clues” was “Sleeping Beauty” and as soon as the guesser put that card up on her forehead, a guy shouts out, “That story is about sexual assault, fight me!”

Which makes this particular “folk tale” a neat way to show how folklore, or storytelling and retelling, is such a good frame for season 14.

I mentioned in the first post of this series that Sleeping Beauty is a great example of the intercycling of folklore and literature-- oral tales can become literary works, and vice versa, and they can comment on one another in surprising ways.

Let’s start with one of the most recent iterations of the Sleeping Beauty story and a move from one kind of text to another-- Disney’s 1959 animated movie, “Sleeping Beauty.” I know a lot of readers on here will know it-- and we’ll work our way down to the centuries-old bones of this tale.

Right off the bat, we get a really great (and subverted!) example of that “rule of three” 2/1 pattern I already talked about. The king and queen invite three “good fairies” to their daughter’s christening. They are even called “good fairies” by the herald as they enter on a sunbeam, so you already know there’s gonna be a bad one. The first fairy, Flora, gives Princess Aurora the gift of beauty. The next, Fauna, blesses the baby with the gift of song. Before fairy #3-- Merryweather-- can bestow her gift, Maleficent arrives, totally pissed that she hadn’t been invited but cool as a frozen cucumber, casually lies about her reason for showing up and then curses Aurora to prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die on the evening of her 16th birthday. Merryweather uses her turn to alter Maleficent’s curse, as she does not have the power to nullify it: Aurora will fall into a deep sleep that only “true love’s kiss” can awaken her from. In hopes of protecting her from the curse in any way shape or form, King Stephan orders every spinning wheel in the kingdom to be burned, but the fairies say that this will not be enough so they sequester her in the woods under the alias Briar Rose, and they all live as peasants, eschewing magic and raising her in almost total isolation so that Maleficent can not find her to work the curse. Neat. Briar Rose gets into mischief anyway, gads about the forest singing like a klaxon, meets a prince named Phillip who is having Adventures in the Woods, falls In Love™ with him despite some now-creepy hand-grabbing. Later the fairies tell her not to worry about mysterious forest dudes and traumatize her by telling her that her entire life has been a lie, and then inexplicably send her home to the palace for her 16th birthday celebration despite the fact that the whole reason for hiding out was to keep Maleficent from being able to find her. Maleficent discovers that Aurora is at the palace, games the anti-spindle situation by luring Aurora up to a tower to a magical spinning wheel; Aurora pricks her finger on the spindle, and Bob’s your uncle. The good fairies put everyone in the castle into a deep sleep (so that while they are waiting for some weirdo to fall in True Love with a sleeping teenager, eugh, the people she knows (aka JUST MET) will sleep with her so that they won’t be upset by the complete failure of their plans) the fairies realize that Prince Phillip, the guy that Aurora has been betrothed to since she popped out of the womb, is one and the same as Mysterious Forest Dude that she fell in love with, and they send him to Aurora’s castle. Maleficent imprisons him, the fairies help him escape, he tears through a thorn bush that Maleficent creates as an impediment, kills the witch, and wakes Aurora with a chaste kiss. It’s fine, they met once, it was only a kiss (IT WAS ONLY A KISS), and this was 1959. So, that’s the Disney text in a nutshell. Folklorist Kay Stone says in her book Some Day Your Witch Will Come that while Disney had been called “a ‘Master of Fantasy’ in fact Disney removed most of the powerful fantasy of the Marchen and replaced it with false magic.” While her criticism of the Disnified Grimms tales is explicitly feminist, the criticism stands as Disney’s product is far divorced from the folk “originals.”

Most people are familiar with the Grimms’ written version of “Sleeping Beauty,” or “Little Briar Rose,” as they titled it when they published it in their first collection. This is the version that Disney partly modeled their story after. I won’t retell it, I’ll just discuss differences between the two versions, so please go read D. L. Ashliman’s translation here. It’s short. And. It turns out that the German “folk tale” that the Grimms brothers harvested is more than likely based on a story that was published by Charles Perrault in France which re-entered the Germanic oral tradition at some point. In this version, there are thirteen “wise women” (as opposed to fairies) in Briar Rose’s estimable father’s kingdom, but he only has twelve golden plates for them at the celebration of her birth, so he only actually invites twelve wise women (which is a hilarious commentary on what the lower classes thought of the nobility, am I right? Heaven forbid you don’t have enough fancy plates, quelle horreur or rather wie schrecklich or whatever the German equivalent would be.) Again, after eleven blessings, the evil crone who was disrespected barges in and curses the princess to prick her finger on a spindle (not the spindle of a spinning wheel, though) and die at fifteen; The next-eldest of the wise women modifies the curse and dad has all the spindles destroyed. Fifteen was apparently too young for a sexual awakening in 1959 but it was fine in 1812. Also, there were no shenanigans in the woods-- Briar Rose grows up a princess. She finds an old woman illicitly spinning in the castle one day and wants to try it, pricks herself with the spindle (the German version never specifies where) and her sleep is so profound that the entire castle falls asleep with her. A massive thorn hedge grows up because neglect, and eventually conceals the castle, and all that is left of the kingdom is a legend. Many other princes met agonizing deaths in that thorn hedge trying to get to Briar Rose but one day Her ACTUAL Prince shows up. The thorns turn to blossoms, he sails right through, kisses the girl, and as she wakes up so does the whole castle. The tale is over with an “and they lived happily ever after” ending.

Charles Perrault, the Frenchman who wrote the version of “La belle au bois dormant” or “The Sleeping Beauty in the Woods” that the Grimms’ informant possibly retold a hundred years later, has seven good fairies invited to the shindig, because everyone assumes that fairy number eight is dead or too ill to travel or senile or whatever. Here you can see that this isn’t an error made because a king was afraid of committing a faux pas and not from being afraid of the “bad” fairy, but because no one bothered to check on the old woman and find out what the reality was. You know what they say about what happens when you assume. So this time a young fairy steps forward and changes the curse, and instead of violently burning all the spinning wheels and spindles, the king merely outlaws their use. When the princess is sixteen or seventeen, (French nobles apparently had a little more childhood than German peasants,) she finds an old woman spinning in a tower who has remarkably never heard of the spinning ban. She hands over the spindle and the princess pricks her hand, and faints dead away. The king puts her on a bed of gold and I’m gonna quote Ashliman for this next part: “When the accident happened to the princess, the good fairy who had saved her life by condemning her to sleep a hundred years was in the kingdom of Mataquin, twelve thousand leagues away. She was instantly warned of it... [and] set off at once, and within an hour her chariot of fire, drawn by dragons, was seen approaching.” She puts everyone in the castle to sleep and this time the thorn hedge is actually a privacy fence that sprouts up under the good fairy’s magic. A hundred years later, some prince is having Adventures in the Woods when he sees the tops of the castle towers from a distance. One of his retinue tells him there’s a pretty girl inside, so he goes to check it out. Bruh, the brambles part for him magically, but allow only him, out of all of his party, to enter. He doesn’t awaken this princess with a kiss, but by the mere act of falling down beside her and being so genuinely and enormously in love with her that she wakes up on her own. Ol’ Charlie’s story is not over by half, though. They talk for hours, Perrault has a lot about eating and getting dressed and then they nap together a little, and finally get married. The prince’s mother is an ogre, however, and wants to eat her grandkids, Dawn and Day. Where does this come from? Why is it in here? What the actual heck? And it gets crazier from there. The prince becomes king and rides forth to wage war in a distant land, and the queen actually tells her steward that she wants to eat the little girl for her dinner. He tricks her by hiding Dawn and serving the queen a lamb instead. Next day, she wants to eat the little boy. He tricks her again by serving her a baby goat. Then, she wants to eat her daughter-in-law and they serve the evil queen venison. Then one day she hears the voices of her erstwhile entrees in the castle, discovers that she had been tricked, and prepares a cauldron full of venomous reptiles to throw the three innocents into to their deaths. The prince-turned-king shows up just in time and his mother is so beside herself with rage that she actually throws herself into the vat instead. So, yeah, weird stuff. Stuff that the Germans left out, or forgot, or decided that there was no “moral” that they wanted anything to do with. Was Perrault out of his damn mind?

WELL AS IT TURNS OUT, Perrault was actually retelling a Neapolitan folk tale that had been collected long before by a fellow named Giambattista Basile. He called the story “Sun, Moon, and Talia.” There is some evidence that it predates Basile, but most folklorists start there because the problem with oral tradition is that it’s rarely written down (ba-dump-tsss.) So we can definitively pick up the European version of Sleeping Beauty in Naples, Italy, in the early seventeenth century, when this mid-level clerk and author writes down a whole bunch of “nursery tales” and then dies. One of the stories he writes down is called “Sun, Moon, and Talia.” And I didn’t want to talk about it much before, except that I think understanding that Perrault seriously sanitized Basile’s story is the perfect illustration of “what happens when a story is retold.” In Basile’s story, to which I’m linking an okay version here with a content warning for rape and for the fact that they linked that painting “Nightmare” to the story, http://www.mftd.org/index.php?action=story&act=select&id=3364, Talia the princess is not cursed, but her father’s scholars tell her fortune and say to the king that she would “incur great danger from a splinter of flax.” He forbade flax (from which linen is made) from entering the castle. So in this version, it is the material, not necessarily the method of transforming it, that imperils the princess. Yes this is a giant metaphor for sexual intercourse and/or loss of innocence. Nonetheless, she comes across a woman who is spinning flax into thread, wants to try it, and gets a splinter under her nail. She falls down dead. The king is heartbroken, shutters the castle, and leaves her propped up on a throne. Some time later, another king comes across the castle, explores it, sees the dead Talia who seems to be weathering her death remarkably well, and has his way with her. I can only imagine what ran through Perrault’s head when he came across this. “Sacre bleu!!! Non, non ma petite chere, this will not do. A true king would never!” or something like that. ANYWAY, Basile’s story is still the frame on which Perrault based his literary fairy tale, for Talia gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl, Moon and Sun, one of which sucks the splinter out of her finger, and she awakens. The king finds her but keeps her a secret. The king’s wife (he has a wife!) sends for them, and then to get revenge on her husband she orders the children cooked and served to him one day, but again there is a switcheroo and the cook uses lambs instead, and later it all comes out and Talia marries the king and Basile’s moral (vastly different than that of Perrault) is “Those whom fortune favors find good luck even in their sleep.” I don’t know if that was written in “sarcasm gothic” or not.

The bones of all of the stories are the same, but in each iteration something has changed which makes a huge impact on the overall themes of each telling. First, Perrault drops the rape of Talia, and slides the villain role over to the prince’s mother and makes the rape-king a virtuous prince to erase the royal philandering and necrophilia, and there is no kiss at all. The Germans bring the kiss back, weirdly enough, to somehow reach back through Perrault’s chivalrication to the sexual component of Briar Rose’s awakening-- it might be the imagery of the spindle, which in some cases is a big rod typically dropped between a spinner’s knees to make the yarn or thread, or it could be the completely bonkers idea that just kneeling beside her bed would not be enough to break the kiss (but then again, why wouldn’t a test of virtue be enough? Indeed, in the Disney version, the three fairies arm Phillip with “the shield of virtue.”) In Basile’s version, Talia dead, not sleeping, and in the Disney version there is the totally weird seclusion until young adulthood (that weirdly enough hearkens to the Irish legend of Deirdre, a woman who was betrothed to the king of Ulster and was sequestered to both preserve her innocence and thwart a dire prophecy but who still managed to run off with another guy and cause an epic war) and they rename the princess Aurora, which is Latin for Dawn, which is the name of her daughter in the French version. It’s all very intermangled.

Did other stories with similarities come from a single stalk, an ur-story like the Great Hunt may have? D. L. Ashliman in Folk and Fairy Tales: A Handbook tells us that Grimm and other folklorists believe that these SB stories are the vestiges of myths (132) such as the story of Brunhilde, who was put to sleep with an enchanted thorn for reaping a warrior favored by Odin. Or does this particular metaphor just crop up in cultures everywhere through synchronicity? In the Japanese folktale The Matsuyama Mirror, a young girl is given a mirror by her father, who tells her that whenever she is sad she can look in the mirror and see her mother, and eventually the mirror’s symbolism thwarts her evil stepmother, much as in the story of Snow White. Is there an even older story that connects these two?

I chose these four versions of Sleeping Beauty because for one thing this story was mentioned in the text of The Scar, they are clearly family, and the American/European versions are the most familiar to me (and I assume at least the American audience of Supernatural) so it easy to demonstrate this “digging down” to get to the seed of a story-- in this case the sterilization of the Sleeping Beauty story is an excellent metaphor for a powerful trauma weathering and being repressed-- or healed-- over time. Many scholars have noted the sexual symbolism of the spindle, which if you’ve never seen one is a rod of varying lengths with a round weight at the bottom, and in hand-spinning, typically a spinner hangs the spidle between their legs and it can pump up and down as it spins. Even the later versions of the story that feature spinning wheels have a spindle on them, and it is an unmistakably phallic component of the rig, coupled with the pistoning action of the spinner’s foot on the treadle to spin the flywheel. So hm. However, not all spindles are sharp enough to possibly prick a hand or a finger, and in the original “Talia” it is the flax splinter that inserts itself into her flesh. At any rate, it’s a metaphor for sexual penetration retold for an audience that has increasingly moved further and further away from being able to see (or is unwilling to acknowledge) sexual subtext.

Jack’s perfect day was bittersweet, but was also unmistakably idyllic and idealized, almost Disnified, although the magic was still unmistakably powerful. The scene by the river, where Jack explicitly invokes the memory of John, should also illuminate scenes from the series’ past, such as Dean’s dream sequence where he was fishing off of a dock, or where rogue angel Daniel was fishing when he was found by Castiel and Hannah. Fishing is a motif, if you will; it’s been featured in the show before. Jack’s eventual death is one of the show’s tale types. Dean, Sam, and Cas have all been through it-- as Cas says in The Spear, it’s “something of a rite of passage.” But we’re being told this story again from a point of view that was almost tragically abbreviated the first time-- when John trades his soul for Dean’s in In My Time of Dying, we got very little of what it means for a parent to sacrifice themselves for a child. Likewise, the other times that TFW faced their dooms, they had (albeit under duress) volunteered themselves. Jack was an innocent. Dying is perhaps the ultimate loss of innocence-- it certainly was for Talia. So by stripping away the halcyon glow of the river scene, we get to the bones of where the “under threat of impending death” tale type originated in the series.

This whole season so far has been the most clever way possible to do a “retrospective.” It’s not a sign that a show is tired, but that it has reached a point of self-reflection that very very few shows ever get to.

I have to wonder if this way of painting season 14’s arc through a constellation of motifs-- through callbacks as hysterical as the Scooby lunchbox full of pressurized gas in Mint Condition to returning characters as poignant as Lilly Sunder’s appearance in Byzantium, to thematic parallels to past seasons-- is going to continue into the second half of the season. We will know quickly, as the stakes have been raised after Dean’s repossession, whether Dabb and his writers continue to use the motif index of the show, or if this retrospective period is over and we’ll be covering new thematic ground. I will say, this theme has been tied up pretty neatly with the mid-season finale, that while Castiel essentially stepped into the Jack’s Fractured Fairy Tale much the same way that the way the good fairy modifies the evil fairy’s curse in Sleeping Beauty, that choice could shift everything in his mythos over to “beat the devil” which is another favorite SPN story, Tale Type 210a or whatever (and is irl ATU 330: The Smith Outwits the Devil and hopefully would be 330C which is the kind of “Devil Went Down to Georgia” classic American and African-American story.) (Imagine the SPN Tale Type Index starting with “1-199 - Origin Stories - 1a Burning Wife, 1b Burning Girlfriend, 1c House Burns Down, 2 Demon Blood Fed to Infant” and etcetera… anyways.) And we know that Cas and Sam are going into Dean’s headspace to get him, so there’s the rescuing forces storming the sleeping castle trope (remember the “sleeping” patron in Rocky’s Bar?) getting resolved potentially. But I do believe that this focused close reading brings to light a “healing trauma” theme that the history of Sleeping Beauty makes explicit. It is not the only reading of the show to do that, but again, if I could describe Dabb’s era with one phrase it would be “There’s no such thing as too much meta.”

See y’all Thursday night!

#the folkloristics of supernatural #the folklore of supernatural #the folktales of supernatural #spn meta #sleeping beauty

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psychic-refugee · 6 years

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Anon Question re Descendants

“The Great Uniting happened because London is the ONLY place with modern tech while everyone's in the dark ages, you don't see Rome or all the other Islands of Greece where the Pantheon is now, and Frozen Fever explicitly had a VERY different world map that shows no place for the Southern Isles, and a different topography in general at that.

Also, it's JUST Bayou de New Orleans on a map. Where's the rest of America if they weren't transplanted there...?”

I got these two questions, I assume they are from the same Anon.

The simplest explanation is that Disney is greedy and has really lazy writers, so they just kind of mish mash whatever they have copy rights to into Auradon and called it a day. There is not going to be any clean perfect fit theory to explain all the inconsistencies.

The first novel can’t even decide if it’s United Kingdoms of Auradon or United States of Auradon.

“Once upon a time, during a time after all the happily-ever-afters-, and perhaps even after the ever-afters after that, all the evil villains of the world were banished from the United Kingdom of Auradon and imprisoned on the Isle of the Lost.” De La Cruz, Melissa, The Isle of the Lost: A Descendants Novel, Prologue 3, Disney-Hyperion, 2017.

“Meanwhile, across the Sea of Serenity, which separated the Isle of the Lost from the rest of the world, lay the USA—the United States of Auradon, a land of peace and enchantment, prosperity and delight, which encompassed all the good kingdoms.” De La Cruz, Melissa, The Isle of the Lost: A Descendants Novel, Chapter 5 at 48, Disney-Hyperion, 2017.

Within the SAME book, there is conflicting statements of the proper name of Auradon. I think this is a good example of how much they don’t care about their content.

I’m not saying the interdimensional displacement theory is impossible, the franchise is so terribly written that literally anything can be possible. I’m mostly saying there isn’t anything to back it up. While cherry picking countries from other dimensions would explain the time/technology difference, it also brings in more issues and plot holes than it would solve.

1) The first question is why? If each kingdom was from a separate dimension, why steal others and bring their problems (villains) into your own? Why go through the hassle? Who has anything to gain from it? If they wanted more people and land to rule, wouldn’t it have been easier to just create the land and tell people you already rule to just have a ton more kids?

2) Yen Sid and Fairy Godmother (“FGM”) are from different dimensions under this theory. FGM is from Cinderellaberg and Yen Sid is from Fantasia, a yet to be placed area in Auradon. If Fantasia is in one of the fairy tale lands and not its own, then it’s probably in Charmington given the wardrobe and originally the Apprentice was supposed to be Dopey. Either way, those are two different dimensions. So how would FGM and Yen Sid have known each other in order to bring these countries together? What would motivate them to seek each other out? Again, their villain problem had been solved. FGM didn’t even have a real villain to contend with, Lady Tremaine was just a bitch. FGM was also the most powerful person in Cinderellaberg, why take in a powerful evil Fairy like Maleficent to her world?

3) How do you get 18 Kingdoms from different universes to not resent being brought together against their will? Or to “vote” to one sovereign ruler right away? In order for Auradon to be as peaceful as shown, then the 18 Kingdoms are a) at peace with the idea that they are in a different dimensions, b) get along with the other kingdoms despite the vastly different cultures and probably religion, and c) were able to agree upon not only to unite under one ruler but that raising dead adversaries and banishing them to an island was a good idea. I’d be pissed as all hell, especially if I was a king or queen. Who is anyone to not only steal my land and my throne, but to raise dead adversaries that I risked my life to defeat? How could they have gotten along so quickly and kept peace for twenty years?

4) If interdimensional travel, along with merging lands, is possible then why bother with an island so close to the Mainland? Why not banish them to an inhabitable planet that doesn’t have magic? Seems simpler and safer than having them in your proverbial back yard. At the very least put them somewhere further than what a bridge could span.

5) Interdimensional unification is a rather significant occurrence. I’m pretty sure that would have been mentioned on top of unifying kingdoms.

6) If interdimensional communication is possible (That’s how Yen Sid and FGM got together) then why would they say “Our villains are dead and we’re our own sovereign nation…but I feel like combining with 17 other interdimensional kingdoms and giving up my own power…also, lets bring back the villains that almost killed us and put them on an island…for funsies you know? I’m totally sure we’ll all be super cool with each others religion, customs, and taboos. It’s not like people go to war over this stuff...Furthermore, villains only account for like .0000001% of our population, that’s totally worth giving up our sovereignty and displacing every other citizen, right?”

I’m sure all of this could be answered, but I doubt with canon. Nothing in the movies, what I’ve seen in Book 1, or researching online suggests interdimensional displacement.

But to answer Anon’s questions and assuming a) the princess/Disney movies’ timeline and whatever happened is absolute and unassailable and b) what happens in the Descendants franchise is also absolute and unassailable.

For both the Disney princess movies and Descendants, everything is taken at face value and literal.

So to answer your questions,

1) London is the ONLY place with modern tech while everyone's in the dark ages

2) you don't see Rome or all the other Islands of Greece where the Pantheon is now, and

3) Frozen Fever explicitly had a VERY different world map that shows no place for the Southern Isles, and a different topography in general at that.

4) Also, it's JUST Bayou de New Orleans on a map. Where's the rest of America if they weren't transplanted there...

Answers

1a) We do not know the exact structure of Auradon, such as how far each kingdom is away from the other. I’ve seen maps, but most seem to be fan made and not canon. The map shown in the first movie can’t be to scale. So I’m going to assume there’s no reliable map in existence.

If London has 1950’s technology such as cars, radios, and phones then perhaps London is so isolated from the other kingdoms that it went on its own technological evolutionary path. Real world example, United States of America has cars, computers, etc…there are tribes in the Amazon that have literally no modern technology. These are two independent entities with vastly different levels of technology existing on landmasses that connect. Depending on how far or isolated London was in relation to other kingdoms, I would say it’s possible they had this technology that the other kingdoms hadn’t invented yet. One explanation could be that Cruella’s story never had magic, so by extension maybe London was the only place in Auradon that was magicless by nature. Not having magic could have spurned their technological revolution while others lagged behind because magic made up for the lack of technology.

There’s also the instance of Camelot Heights. According to the internet, King Author “dislikes” the idea of modern technology and there isn’t any in Camelot Heights, so they’re still technologically in the dark ages. It’s possible other kingdoms had followed suit pre-Unification. A real world example of this is parts of the USA have groups that shun technology, such as Mennonite and the Amish, it’s an example of two groups having vastly different levels of technology by choice.

2a) There’s nothing to suggest Rome would exist in Auradon. While in a Whole New World we see roman columns, it’s not explicitly said to be Rome (not to mention how fast they would have had to have flown in order to get there in one night from Agrabah and back) and they could have very well been Greek columns as Greece had originated that architecture. To explain the Greece and the gods pantheon, I would say it’s coincidental that part of Auradon is named Greece. The fact that Hercules was trained by Phil the satyr, and not Chiron the centaur would suggest these are different but coincidentally named people. Also, real world Zeus is the worst, while Disney Zeus is a loving faithful father. Real world Hades is rather chill, considered boring, and is happy to stay in the Underworld, Disney Hades is a hot tempered villain. Real world Hercules went insane and killed Megera and their children, Disney Hercules gained and gave up immortality for Megera. I would definitely be comfortable saying these are all completely different people, and that Auradon’s Greece is divorced from real world Greece.

3a) There’s nothing to suggest Frozen is part of the Descendants universe, at least nothing I’ve come across says any of their characters have shown up. So until a book or movie suggests otherwise, I think we can say it doesn’t exist in the United States/Kingdom of Auradon and it might be one of the few Disney kingdoms that was able to keep their own sovereignty and Arendelle is a separate country somewhere, or doesn’t exist at all. I don’t necessarily think it could be assumed that if Disney made it, it’s in Auradon somewhere. We haven’t seen any references to the Lion King, Duck Tales, Brave, etc...

4a) I would say the USA doesn’t exist as the movie only ever mentions a place called New Orleans, Louisiana and a kingdom called Maldonia. New Orleans, Louisiana, United States/Kingdoms of Auradon is coincidentally named the same as New Orleans, Louisiana, USA. If people insist that it’s in the USA, then where is Maldonia? The existence of Maldonia suggests to me that Bayou de New Orleans can’t be in the USA or from our world at all.

Do all of these fit perfectly and make 100% sense with no need to suspend belief? No. Do they make more sense than interdimensional displacement? I think so. Is interdimensional displacement canon? I don’t think so and so far, no one has put forth anything to convince me it is.

If it is canon then I still say it’s problematic for all the reasons I’ve listed and would never be part of LOE.

#author's commentary #Legacy of Evil Fanfiction #anon questions #answering anon #disney descendants

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askseekfind-blog · 7 years

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i’m back

Fandom: Descendants 2

Warning(s)?: It’s sad. That’s the warning I’m going to give you. Also, there is one swear word but it’s talking about the place. I don’t really consider it a warning but whatever XD

Word Count: 1787. I kind of went overboard on this one XD

A/N: I loved writing this one!! It’s rather sad in the beginning, but it gets better along the way and that’s what I like about it! If you want to see a part two of this, I will gladly do it!

A/N 2: Also, I decided to make it somewhat like what happened to sleeping beauty, but it’s not exactly the same :D

I hope you guys like it!

masterlist (x) requests (x)

“You stupid, stupid girl,” A sigh escaped your mother’s pale lips as she slammed her knees on the floor, tears springing her eyes as she looked over your frail body that has gotten rather skinny over the past eleven years under the sleeping curse.

“Why did you do it? Huh? Why did you try to mess around with Maleficent’s stuff?” As if you would answer, your mother placed her head next to your extremely pale arm - due to lack of sunlight - and placed your lifeless hands in her quivering ones.

“Did you try to prove your point? Did you want to show off to your classmates?” Her voice was dull and lifeless while her eyes poured with salty tears like a waterfall. Just thinking about how her daughter might not make it made her grow both depressed and angry at her own child and the person responsible for this:

Maleficent.

“You stupid child!” Her fist slammed against the wood of the bed frame before she stood up, wiping her tears from her eyes even when tears continued to fall continuously.

“You’re almost seventeen and you still haven’t waken up.” Having no idea what to do with her hands, she fiddled with them and continued to cry for the loss of her daughter.

From where you laid, you could hear the subtle crying of your mother as she wrapped her arms over her shivering body. The one thing you were afraid happened to come to life as your heart shattered like glass as you continued to hear her grieving.

The one thing that caused your mind to go blank was how you weren’t able to wrap your arms around her. You weren’t able to hug her and lightly rub her back to comfort her. You weren’t able to hug her tightly until she finally got better nor where you able to talk to her in a gentle voice until she stopped sobbing.

That’s what you were worried, that’s what you were afraid of and to express that sadness a single tear fell from your closed eyes, a single tear that indicated you were still there and living even when everyone else around you believed you weren’t able to hear.

They believed you weren’t able to see, to touch, to move.

They didn’t believe you were able to feel.

To others you were just a liability and a waste of time.

Just the thought of what others thought of you, what they thought of your family, caused more tears to fall - some rolling off of your lifeless cheeks and onto the pillow case of your rigid bed in your dusty room.

The last eleven years were hard on everyone - especially your family. Some lost hope, others thought you died in your sleep, and most people forgot about you. Everyone thought you were dead, on the brink of extinction, or didn’t even know you existed - including Ben.

It was sad to think Prince Ben - almost King Ben - forgot about you, the one person he grew up around. It hurt you, no doubt, but that didn’t stop you from fighting.

Just because your friends and most of your family forgot about you didn’t mean that you would just stop fighting. No. You were going to fight until your knight in shining armor - your true love - comes to rescue from the depths of hell.

“No matter what happens Y/N, just know I love you.” The still lips of your mother gently placed against your cold forehead as you mentally smiled to yourself, happy that at least one person believed in you even when the whole word was against you.

Her soothing hands reached up to your face as she brushed away the tears that have fallen - you weren’t able to do it yourself so she did it for you. Her gentle lips curled up into a sad smile before she once again placed her chapped lips on your forehead, her smile lightly forming on your skin once again.

Moving a strand of hair behind your ear, she whispered a soft “I love you” on your temple before she walked out of the room with tears springing from her eyelids, moving away from you as if you could see her tear stained cheeks and red puffy ears.

In other words she was embarrassed and she didn’t want you to see her like this, but you didn’t need to see it.

You already felt it.

You could feel her sadness swoop through the air as it landed on you, your fragile body that could break like glass if it was touched too roughly.

In the end, you knew how she felt and there was no denying that you just wanted to wake the heck up and hug her, but you knew that wasn’t a possibility.

Anything that simple wasn’t a possibility.

~~~

Two weeks. That’s how much time you had to break your curse before you were in darkness forever.

Two weeks to find your prince and have him wake you up with true love’s kiss - since you know, true love’s kiss works every time.

True love’s kiss is a huge thing around Auradon, but you rarely even heard of it. When your mother came in the room she would always talk about what was going around with life, never boys or couples since she didn’t want you to feel secluded and feel terrible for not being awake yet.

To be honest, you wanted her to talk about those couples that would mostly break up in a month. You wanted her to talk about those couples that acted completely fine during the day, but when they were alone they are a complete mess. You wanted her to talk about those best friends that have feelings for each other - and are each other’s soulmate - but they’re too scared to talk their feelings.

You wanted to be like every single teenager in the school, but you couldn’t. You were different and you had to embrace that.

“Um Y/N?” The gentle voice of Prince Ben, the person you spent your whole entire childhood with, filled the still room which caused yourself to mentally smile.

Just because you couldn’t physically do it didn’t mean you couldn't do it mentally, and doing it mentally had it’s perks sometimes.

When you don’t want to show the person you love that you’re worried, you can mentally obsess over them instead of doing it physically.

So pretty much it makes you less clingy.

Yeah you knew, it wasn’t the best excuse but what else could you do? After all, you are a rotting human body on a death bed.

“I know I haven’t been there for you for the past couple of weeks- heck. Couple of months,” a sigh escaped his lips as his rough footsteps echoed throughout the empty room - growing closer every single step.

“But I’m here for you now.” You heard the gently shuffle of his tight suit as he kneeled next to your bed, his hand hesitantly hovering over your own.

“It was stupid-no. I was so stupid for not seeing you.” Pulling his quivering hand away from yours, the male slowly ran his sweaty hand across his glistening face before he looked straight at your slowly dying body.

“Once you wake up, I really hope you forgive me.” Just listening to his voice, even when he was apologizing, caused your heart to slowly swell up and your body to tense.

You were falling hard for him and it was clearly shown throughout your body language.

Having no control over your body, a light pink dust brushed over your cheeks as the male hesitantly placed his shaking hand on your upper arm to indicate where exactly he was in the room.

“To be honest, I was confused and out of place. When the villain kids came here - especially Mal - my attention was on them- so much in fact that I completely forgot about you and how hurt you are.” Having no other thing to do, Ben silently placed his head on your shoulder, without warning, which caused your heart to beat faster than anything before.

When it came to affection between you and Ben, he would never do those little cute movements in the movies that made you smile (you usually watched it with your mother, but it was mostly just you listening to her talk about everything in the movie since you couldn’t see it yourself).

He would never hug you tightly and never let go. He would never place his arm anywhere else besides your hand, but here he is now: his hand placed on your upper arm and his head near the crook of your neck (of course you were still and blushing, you loved this moment and you wouldn’t trade it for anything else).

“Y/N...” Silence engulfed the unused room as the male slightly shifted his head. His face was now close to yours; enough where you could feel his hot breath on your white face.

“I wish you were here,” his face moved closer to yours, his hot breath overcoming your defined features as he admired your beauty. He couldn’t help it, you were beautiful and peaceful when you were asleep.

“With me.” Those two words caused your heart to beat out of your chest and your cheeks to turn into a pigmented red (in other words, you were on cloud nine and Ben was your high).

Silence once again filled the room as the male continued to lean closer to your face, his lips lightly brushing against your own as you felt electricity spike throughout your body.

It was surprising for sure, but it was perfect and just amazing. The electricity wasn’t like the electricity you get from getting shocked- no. It was something else... something...

It was something amazing and both of you could feel it.

In mere seconds, the male’s lips entangled in yours which caused the same feeling to roll throughout your body - mostly residing in your stomach and in your chest.

It was just purely amazing.

His lips were light and unmoving from what you could feel, but it still caused a light feeling to spur in your heart as you slowly regained control of your body; your arms first moving to wrap around the male’s skinny neck.

Avoiding his gasp and incredibly large wide eyes, you crashed your lips on his once again and kissed him sweetly yet passionately - something you wanted to do for a long time coming.

After you noticed his lips were still unmoving on your own, you slowly pulled away from his lips and placed your heated sweaty forehead against his own with a smile across your lips.

Looking over the male’s features once again, you whispered a soft “I’m back” before you once again placed your chapped lips against his plump ones.

not my gif (x)

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whistlemist · 7 years

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Disney Descendants 2: True Villian?

Let’s start at the first book of the Descendants franchise as it was King Beast who came up with the idea of locking up all the Villains in an island.

Not only that but King Beast has brought all the dead villains back to life, seals them all on an Island that is clearly visible from their castle, set up a magical barrier to keep them from using magic, along with a constant slew of storm clouds over their heads.

Having prisoners means they need food so King Beast and Belle have EVERYONE agree that left over food should be sent over for them to eat.

Considering Villains would trying to escape or stole away if a crew went it was most likely sent with people who could use magic to get in, leave a large barge of left over food, clothes, and whatever else people had thrown out or no longer needed.

Now food that’s tosses out or even thrown into the barge would get bad fast. As we see in the first movie the candies and sweet they were eating were obviously clean, fresh, not old and not rotten.

Fast forward a year or so and babies start to be be born. As the years go by more and more kids are born into this hell and NONE of them have ever had fresh food and if they happened to come across good that wasn’t old it was considered a rare treat.

We know that the Kings and Queens were aware children lived there but did nothing to help them. Even those who known what it was like to live a poverty stricken life said nothing.

When Ben announces his first official proclamation of giving the Children of the Isle of the Lost a second chance it made Beast become angry snapping at his son Belle was no better because she’s shocked.

They both are very reluctant when Ben speaks out that they were innocent and deserved a chance.

Everyone calls a second chance when none of the kids had done anything to spend their whole lives in a prision were their parents shape them into what they want.

After the events of the four VKs, Mal, Evie, Jay and Carlos choosing good, Ben becoming King the other kids on the Isle think their getting that chance to be free wait for their invitation to go to Auradon.

However Ben forgets because or rather tells himself that there’s no re because of his Kingly duties , being a good student and a good boyfriend.

What upsets me the most is that Mal, Evie, Jay and Carlos KNOW what kind of hell kids suffer on the island and do nothing.

They go on living their whole lives without a glance back. They leave the rest to their doomed lives.

This anger boils with Uma the most because at one point her and Mal were the best of friends. They ran the streets together causing mayhem, pulling pranks, and had rule over a good amount of people until Mal decided to trick Uma in to thinking think that Mal was drowning.

Uma has more heart then Mal because she dive into the water to save her best friend without a second thought.

If course Mal had tricked her, dumped rotting shrimp on her before getting everyone to call her Shrimpy. Not only did Mal mock her for this but she betrayed the only person she had been exstreamly close too.

Despite many attempts Uma could never fully get the smell out of her hair. The hurt, anger, sorrow and humiliation cause Uma to seek out revenge.

We know that in the first book the four VKS became friends because Mal had been given a task by her mom to go d her staff, but in Descendants 2 we see a spray paint artwork by Mal of Uma I their hideaway and it’s crossed out with an X.

Later when Eive, Jay and Carlos became her friends after they completed her mother’s tast they stay there to avoid their parents.

Soon however their sent to Auradon.

Another thing that bothered me was that Evie forgot completely about Dizzy until Mal mentioned her as the one who did did her hair.

Evie has become good friends with Ben but left Dizzy to rot in a island only to make a list six months later and the it reason being her guilt for abandoning the young girl.

The line of “What’s ice cream taste like?” Was one sucker punch Evie had coming.

Toward the end of the movie Uma tells Ben she doesn’t need him to get to Auradon. This tells us she’s lost all faith with the so called Heroes and that she will get her crew off the island.

When They trade the fake want for the King all of the Whar rats are so excited that their finally going to leave the island.

Uma has Harry and Gil by her side all looking at the wand and when Uma holds up the want her voice is in excited shock because she’s going to save them all.

Her line is “By the ppwer if the sea, tear it down and set us free!”

The whole crew is happy, excited and when nothing happens the shock and hurt is there for a second, Harry is enraged, Uma is betrayed again and Gil had a look of destroyed hope.

Mal had left her friends, Ben and everything in Auradon because things were hard, Uma on the other hand made her escape and she wanted to take down the barrier, not for her mother or to prove she was evil but Harry, Gil and her crew were still trapped.

The desperation for them to be free was her main goal. Kid on the Isle can’t swim, Uma is hf sea witch and grand daughter of Poseidon meaning that swimming is natural and so is breathing under the sea.

She even stops fighting, gives the ring back and the look of pure hurt is on her face as Uma leaves back to the Ocean and while everyone is celebrating Uma reappears outside the Isle of the Lost where is is most likely trying to figure out how to get Harry and Gil along with the rest of her crew who can’t swim.

Also… where the HELL did Maleficent go?!

Did Mal drop her in the Ocean she riding her moped back the Isle?!

#disney descendants #disney descendants 2 #uma #harry hook #gil

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thenightling · 5 years

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Maleficent review (with spoilers)

Spoilers under the cut.

Aurora: "Today there will be a wedding! All are safe! All are welcome!" They literally just survived an attempted genocide, one of your Aunties is dead. There's dead faeries dusted everywhere, you, yourself, are covered in scrapes. Calm down, Bitch, I know you want that wedding night, but damn... All right, seriously. Maleficent: Mistress of Evil isn't a bad movie. It gets a little rushed near the end. A little too rushed. After a new genocide of faeries (with lots and lots of death) everyone is suddenly friendly. Even the people who were taking part in the slaughter are suddenly acting as if they were always friends. So the ending feels a bit tacked on. Also the final scene of Maleficent flying with her "own kind" but Diaval not being at her side as he was at the end of the first film kind of bugged me. Yes, he was beside her at the wedding but he should be in raven form flying with her. Does she "Not need him" anymore because she's "with her own kind"? Way to send a mixed signal there when talking about racism, Disney. The end scenes from right after the slaughter onward feel almost like a different movie. In example the king smiling as his wakes up because all these pretty flowers are vining everywhere. Umm... There's been a slaughter. Dead faeries and humans everywhere. Parts of your castle are rubble. A few other minor issues. 1. I don't like that no one spoke up during the obvious power plays during the dinner. I know the king is naive and oblivious but what of everyone else? Aurora? Phillip? 2. Why the Hell did the queen's (Queen Ingris) men never turn on her, even while she was announcing in front of them that she was the cause of everything, including the king being cursed. During her villain monologue they should have turned on her. The fact that they didn't turn against her at that point makes it more strange when they do finally act peacefully. 3. I know "strong women don't need a man" but seriously, Maleficent and Diaval should be a genuine couple at this point. It's not fair that the early script for the first film had him in love with her but it's never addressed in either the first or second actual movie. And just because you don't "need" a man doesn't mean it's wrong to have one or romance. Besides, is the willing slave / master relationship somehow more acceptable than letting them become a love of equals? 4. And again, I'd rather Diaval be with Maleficent in his raven form in that final scene. It bugs me that he's not there with her. Again, weird mixed signal kind of implying "Oh, well, she's with her own kind now. That's what matters." Sure, they showed the one formerly-genocidal-general checking out the pretty black woman dark fae but what about Maleficent? She told Aurora she'd be there for the christening (wink) but where the Hell is Diaval? His last scene was at the wedding. At least CG in his bird form flying at her side, for f--k's sake. 5. Aurora gave up her father's castle "to her people" but she's queen for the faeries? I thought she was uniting the lands at the end of the first movie. Why retcon that to have it that she essentially said "I'm leaving you to fend for yourselves. Have fun inventing a democracy or republic or whatever. I'm off to roam the faery land."

It’s like “Okay, have fun with centuries of civil war until or if you can invent democracy several centuries early- or until a warlord comes along. I’ll be over here playing with the fae.“

6. Also, toward the end Queen Ingris has one weird grammatical error in her speech. “Your kind is so predictable.” “Are.” You’re a queen, you know English. use it. 7. It bothers me a little that all the light fae are very diverse but all the dark fae resemble Maleficent and are descended from the phoenix. There should be as much diversity to dark fae as there are light fae. What about goblins? Kobolds? Trolls? Dullahan? Redcaps? I liked that Maleficent (in the first film) had such a diverse selection of different types of fae so I’m a little disappointed in how limited their dark fae are in the sequel.

8. There are some unresolved plot points that don’t go anywhere or you feel like scenes might be deleted. What became of the mad scientist faery’s wings? Did Ingris have them destroyed? Did he ever get them back? What really happened to Ingris’s brother?

9. I can't tell if the slaughtered faeries are being reborn and the flowers are their larvae stage. If those are supposed to be "Tomb flowers" or if they are just "reborn as flowers"and will remain that way. It's not properly explained. Other than my own petty complaints I do like this movie. For a PG-13 movie that Red Powder Wedding was intense. It's like Disney decided "Sure, let's make a semi-bloodless red wedding, so long as it has a happy ending!"

I'm not complaining about it having a happy ending. I'm a sucker for seeing things end well, even if it feels slightly forced. I'm glad it has a happy ending. It just seems like it should have taken longer, and should have been more earned. Also they should have postponed the wedding for a few weeks, at least. Let people mourn...

Now for what I loved.

1. I loved the character banter. Wen Aurora asks if Maleficent will give her away. “Never.” And then Aurora corrects herself with “Will you walk me down the aisle?” “Um... Yes.” That was cute and the “Never” at possibly giving her away was such a fae (folkloric fae) response. Fae are very territorial with things (and people) that they love.

2. Diaval. There are some good lines, particularly from Diaval. I love him. I wish he had more screen time. Maleficent tells him “I missed you.” And he replies “Did you hit your head?” and she says “I did.” It’s funny and cute. I loved when he was looked at like a crazy person when he tried to explain he’s a raven at the wedding. 3. I love the mother / daughter relationship between Maleficent and Aurora. On a side note: I feel bad for Aurora’s biological mother though. The poor women never got to know her own daughter and even died alone in the first movie because her husband was busy talking to a pair of severed wings...

4. I’m glad the king was cured of his curse even if it was a bit deus ex machina. He’s sweet but very, very naive and it is odd that he smiled while looking down at the still-badly damaged castle like he knows what happened.

5. I love the costumes. There are some great costumes in this movie.

6. This film has some gorgeous visuals.

This has more flaws than the first Maleficent movie. I won't deny that. My biggest complaint about the first one was the opening narration: "Once Upon a time there were two kingdoms." And "For they had no king or queen for they relied on each other." Then that's not a kingdom. It's a land. It's a realm. But it's not a kingdom.

But as I said, for all its flaws, I liked it. I liked that the faery aunts were portrayed as more likable here. I liked the mother / daughter dynamic with Aurora and Maleficent. And I still liked the movie for the most part.

#Maleficent #Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

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murfeelee · 7 years

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Bang, Marry, or Kill: Disney Princes

I was organizing my downloads from @silsharkie84’s Disney uploads, and it got me thinking about a conversation I had with someone once about which Disney princes I’d Bang, Marry, or Kill.

And since I have nothing better to do with my life, I decided to make this post.

KILL

Let’s just get the annoying ones out of the way. I would totally kill, because these guys got on my g-d nerves:

10: John Smith (Pocahontas) - freaking bigot. Totally foreshadowed Mel Gibson’s racist-a** tirades. Not only that, but they completely romanticize his story and his FACE, cuz RL John Smith was NOT that fine. At all. I’d totally Marry John Rolfe though; I liked the sequel, I don’t care. At least Pocahontas actually married Rolfe IRL. I doubt she and troll-face Smith were banging IRL though. Unless he raped her, which wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway, he’s not even royalty! He and Pocahontas didn’t even stay together in the cartoon, why is he considered a Disney Prince, the hell?

9: Prince Charming (Cinderella) - the man was useless. His castle’s the most interesting thing about him -- and everyone calls it Cinderella’s Castle anyways, so nya-nya. Freaking tool. I mean, how are you so “in love“ with this chick, yet you don’t even BOTHER with asking her name, her address, her zodiac sign...NOTHING. A few dances and you know you don’t know the first thing about Cinderella, but you wanna marry her? Then you couldn’t even be effed to hunting her down yourself -- as if she’s the only wench in the kingdom who wears Size 6 shoes. Would’ve served him right if Lady Tremaine’s feet fit in them just fine! XP (I LOVE Shrek’s Prince Charming though! Totally Bang him! XD)

8: Naveen (Princess & the Frog) - jfc, I’d take Dr. Facilier over this guy; Keith David’s the best. Disney just HAD to go and make their first black human prince an idiot though. Yeah, Naveen’s hella pretty, but he’s broke, shiftless, a frikkin frog for a good chunk of the movie, and did I mention he’s an idiot? I see you, Disney. <_<

HONORABLE MENTION: Prince Hans (Frozen) - THIS SNAAAAAKE! Omg I did NOT see that coming! I would have MARRIED him! Omgomgomg; that was the best part of the whole show, next to that song people won’t let go of. (Pfft) I don’t like Kristoff at all, but THIS mofo...? KILL. On SIGHT. Before it’s too late!

Bang

7: Eugene (Tangled) - possibly the funniest and most fully realized prince (consort) Disney ever made. But the man’s a total clown. I could never take a guy like that seriously. I’M a total clown! I know clowns when I see them! We’d probably have some booze-induced romp and wake up hungover the next day, freak the eff out, and solemnly vow to NEVER mention what happened for as long as we both shall live, amen, pass the toothpaste.

6: Prince Eric (Little Mermaid) - Eric is actually the hottest Disney Prince -- MALE, Period -- I think they ever made. Totally swoon-worthy. And his castle is swaaanky~! But ISTG this Judas has zero sense, and is just as vapid as Prince Charming. You were barely conscious and this girl dragged your guppy butt out of the freaking ocean, and you barely got a good glimpse of her, but you’re ready to devote the rest of your useless life to finding her, rather than getting with the perfectly adorable (though albeit mute) chick WHO IS THE SAME REDHEAD YOU’RE LOOKING FOR YOU BLIND FOOL?!?! Omg spare me. Ursula/Vanessa didn’t even have red hair! So, yeah, he’s an idiot. But a hot one. 10/10, would do again.

5: Prince Ali/Aladdin (Aladdin) - if you’re gonna be a broke street rat, at least be the best street rat, y’know? Aladdin was probably the smartest Disney prince EVER. A bit of a liar, so we’d have to work on that “Do You Trust Me~~” shtick, but yeah. He just had a rough life (thanks to his jerkface SEXY BAMF daddy, Cassim, the King of Thieves, who I would immediately Bang, but not Marry, since Cassim ditched his wife to go treasure hunting and she died and Aladdin had to grow up an orphan all those years, the eff, frikkin scrub). But Aladdin’s freaking cute, so if I was some lonely street ratress I’d tap that. Even though I was squicked out when I heard that Disney based Aladdin’s face on Tom effing Cruise, which made me vomit a bit in my mouth. But yeah.

HONORABLE MENTION: Phoebus (Hunchback of Notre Dame) - He’s not a prince since Esmeralda’s not a princess, but he was hot, and up until Tangled I thought he was the funniest love interest Disney had. I loved his antics with his horse Achilles, and his general reactions to the shenanigans going on in that abysmally underrated show. I can’t decide if I’d just Bang him or Marry him, cuz he made me feel so bad for Quasimodo, who I would certainly Marry. But Phoebus is definitely getting Banged.

MARRY

4: The Prince (Ferdinand/Florian) (Snow White) - The original True Love’s Kiss. We know next to nothing about this dude and his magic lips, but you know what? The woodland animals liked him, and the dwarves liked him (and they hate everybody), and Snow White liked him, so I like him too. And he dressed really well, so he was probably loaded.

3: Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty) - I know Sleeping Beauty’s my favorite Disney film EVER, but Phil only barely gets a pass into my Top 3/4, and that’s mostly because 1: anyone who can defeat MY BISH Maleficent is a BAMF, and 2: I liked his scenes with his horse Samson -- which were interestingly enough lampshaded with Eugene and Maximus, AND Phoebus and Achilles -- I see you, Disney! But other than that I thought he was just alright. I didn’t hate him. And 3: I love his impromptu “duet” with Aurora in Once Upon a Dream; dude could sing.

2: The Beast/Prince Adam - I'm just gonna come out and say it: Is it just me, or was this dude sexier as The Beast than he was as a human? O_O

Awwww yeeeah.... I’m sorry, maybe I need to pray for my soul a little bit, but I’m just saying. Beauty and the Beast might just be the greatest Disney cartoon of all time, IMO. The Beast was freaking COOL, fighting packs of wolves and nonsense to save his bae. Also, his castle was THE BEST. Oh, so Cinderella’s castle has a ballroom -- EFF that wack-a** ballroom! The Beast’s was WAY better! It’s GOLD PLATED! He’s got enchanted servants on standby and feasts with FRENCH CHEFS and everything! Not to mention, it’s got a LIBRARY. AND there’s a dungeon. Talk about GRAVITAS. The Beast would totally go medieval on someone, I love it. Belle’s over there crying and mess. I’d be like HALLELUJAH, such a step up from Gaston~~! ^0^ The wild part is that apparently the whole story is supposed to symbolize arranged marriages, where the bride is terrified of her seemingly “beastly“ stranger of a husband, but over time gets to know him and realizes he’s not a complete and total douchelord. Just 75% douche and 25% lord. Which is way better than Gaston’s 100% doucheness, amirite.

HONORABLE MENTION: Kocoum (Pocahontas) - I kid you not, I rage-cried when Kocoum died. This SEXY HALF-NEKKID WARRIOR WITH TATTS OMFG TAKE ME NOOOW! Pocahontas was a complete IDIOT; I’d Marry his #FOINE behind and give him an effton of babies! Sexy warrior babies! *shrill battle cry* That was the most aggravating death ever, Disney. What a waste of good genes.

#1: LI SHANG (Mulan) - I would bite this man. I bought that crappy straight-to-video sequel just so I could keep staring at Li Shang, I’m not even lying. He was fully realized, hot as all get out, could kick the tastebuds out of the Huns, had THE BEST SONG Disney ever gave a dude, and I’m sure I said he was hot, right? Well, it bears repeating. Marry. Wed. Espoused. Eloped. Mated. Bonded. Holy Matrimony. SINFUL Matrimony. Everything. We’re doing it all! SIGN. ME. UP.

Lawd have all the mercy. Make whatever you frikkin want out of me, Shang! (*3*)/

So, how about y’all? Which cartoon characters are y’all pervving over?

#nonsims #non-sims #Disney #questionnaire #RANT ALERT #mini rant

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sharingthesamesky · 7 years

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Here’s the Kingdom Hearts 0.2: Fragmentary Passage and Kingdom Hearts Back Cover reactions thread I promised you

Back Cover:

THIS MOVIE IS SO PRETTY HOLY SHIT

Also, the cinematography is incredible. Like. From someone who studied film, this shit is really good. There was like. That one moment when it was a little on the nose with the flower petals, but this is a Kingdom Hearts game so comparatively it was downright subtle.

If the Master of Masters isn’t somehow connected with Braig I’d be surprised at this point. (Master of Masters, here after known as Mr. MoM). Plot says it should be Xehanort, but mannerism SCREAM Braig. (They also share the whole one-eyed thing.)

Is Kingdom Hearts using Norse mythology symbolism now too? Because Mr. MoM’s whole “takes one eye out and casts it into [the future] to know ultimate truth” thing is just Odin.

How on earth did Mr. MoM convince these 6 super serious people to listen to him. He doesn’t seem like someone any of them would agree to train under AT ALL. Maybe Gula? But Aced and Ira? I guess there just weren’t any other Mr. MoMs to pick from?

The fucker wrote the book of prophecy in vague rhyme because he’s terrible

I swear this time travel thing is so dumb. “Don’t want you to cause any temporal paradoxes” MY ASS. you can’t just make shit up because its sounds cool. How does this work? If you “can’t change the future” then like. What is even the point of anything? Are there some events that are fixed but the specifics are still in flux?

The real reason Luxu doesn’t get a book of prophesy is that Mr. MoM hand copied the thing five times already and didn’t feel like doing it again.

Alternatively he hand copied it six times but that foreteller moogle that gives you your medals got Luxu’s copy.

I mean clearly Mr. MoM saw the keyblade war and was like “what’s the best, most fun way I can cause this? Oh! I know! I’ll tell Gula to find a “traitor” and make them all fight each other. I mean if there was really a traitor, I could just tell Gula who it was, because I can SEE THE FUTURE, but that wouldn’t be fun at all!”

Seriously if Gula hadn’t preempted that speech what would he have said.

“Oh, I know. I’ll make Aced feel jealous and make him attack the leader because I’m totally a champion of light. TOTALLY.”

Why is Ira so sure that this event would have been in the book? What kind of events make it into the book? Clearly not everything or Ira wouldn’t need Invi’s reports at all, right? Seriously did I mention this time travel stuff is terrible?

“I might vanish or I might not - anyone’s guess” says the man whose entire shtick is knowing the future. Everyone: Sounds legit.

If Mr. MoM’s keyblade makes it all the way to the present, why the fuck do their books end with the keyblade war? I mean probably because they all die in it and telling them that is a sure way to cause those supposed temporal paradoxes, (or because Mr. MoM is just a conniving ass) but I swear none of them thought to ask why his vision of the future stops there? Well, I suppose “and then the world ends” is a good enough place as any to claim you can’t see past. Even if you’re lying liar about it.

We all know Luxu’s the traitor right? Let’s just get this out of the way. Not that he necessarily betrayed anyone or anything, but Gula’s magic paper says “bears the sigil” so it’s gotta be LuXu. Unless of course its one of our key kids who went all edgy and put an X in their names.

Okay, even not knowing that, why in the hell did no one mention Luxu as a possibility for the traitor in the first place?

I mean they know about Luxu even though he’s sort of implied to be a latecomer to the group. Did they all start out wearing those black cloaks before they got their fancy foreteller gear?

Okay who designed the fancy foreteller gear who made those masks and how did Mr. MoM convince them to go with that? I mean - scratch that last part these idiot’s will do anything he says apparently.

(You’ll pry my guilt bonuses from my cold dead, darkness ridden hands, KHuX)

Mr. MoM engineered this entire thing and use everyones unquestioning loyalty and sense of his own perfection to do it. No one bothered to question any of the details and that’s why it worked.

“Hey, Master, why to all the chirithy look the same? Wouldn’t it be easier to tell which one turned into a nightmare if they were like. Numbered or something?”

“Hey Master, you want us to… collect Lux? What are we collecting it for? Shouldn’t we… not do that?”

“Wait you want us to… take Lux from… the future?”

Seriously this movie answers zero of the questions about how time works in KHuX. None of them at all. Well, maybe Season Two will address it.

“Hey Master, why is it called a Nightmare if this isn’t the world of dreams because obviously it isn’t right? RIGHT?”

Ava tells her dandelions they are gonna practice leaving the world by going into the realm of dreams though so.

I’m sorry I couldn’t take that scene seriously with all the key kids in their default starter outfits. No keyblader that’s the “best of the best” is gonna be wearing a starter outfit with no perks.

Okay, I get that Gula couldn’t tell anyone his role, and that Aced’s “true role” aka the failsafe powder keg fuse makes sense to keep secret, but why didn’t Ava tell anyone her role?

The foretellers have different VA’s than the characters they obviously correspond to, but they’re similar (well, accept Aced) and they speak in a very similar way. Care to comment? (Mr. MoM giggling in the distance)

Ava, how does Ephemer even know about the book? Did you tell all the keykids about it or what? I kind of doubt that. Ephemer you clever little sneak.

The Foretellers have a secret castle no one is allowed to enter and yet they have their meeting in the warehouse that literally everyone goes into all the time.

"coolheaded Gula?" More like flips the fuck out when he can't figure something out and tries to SUMMON KINGDOM HEARTS Gula.

Too bad Spongebob can never know what’s inside my secret box.

Seriously, why does ANYONE trust this guy.

Luxu’s reaction to “it’s my eye” is amazing.

No Name. Really. You don’t say.

The NA rankings are pretty spot on though. Good on us.

Fragmentary Passage:

Holy shit I’m so sold on the “technical demo” aspects of this game. Next Gen I love you.

You have to understand the last gen I had was a PS2. Why is everything so reflective and responsive its amazing.

Aqua’s VA is better than she was in BBS, but it still definitely limited my enjoyment of the game.

I did not realize the top of Aqua’s outfit was supposed to be see-through mesh other than the boob pads. Not sure how I feel about that.

I hope that the FFXIII style “hallways simulator” thing was because of time constraints and not because it’s how KH3 is gonna go.

The whole “There’s no time in the realm of Darkness” thing is really interesting, especially given all this time travel nonsense in the Realm of Light. But. Things still clearly progress in a linear fashion in there. Aqua doesn’t see Riku running through the darkness and then walk for a long while and then see Mickey. People enter and leave the place in an order that seems to be shared. Which means there is time. I think the word you are looking for is vague, arbitrary, or inconsistent.

Goddammit Nomura, take a second to read about time between your Latin lessons and your comparative mythology classes.

The new Heartless look really cool. I like them. And the elemental effects are fantastic. I could watch those heartless throw water at me all day.

The world design, apart from the linearness of some of the levels, was amazing. The suspended structures and twisted landscapes were really compelling.

I can’t be the only one who got strong “American McGee’s Alice” series vibes though, right? In a good way.

The mirror puzzle was neat. Not sure how long it would have taken me to figure out had I been playing and not watching a walkthrough so I’m calling it neat entirely by concept and visuals.

Phantom Aqua attacks in a pattern pretty similar to Xehanort’s fight with Terra in BBS, but with a mix of Aqua’s moves thrown in.

Aqua’s attack style is… kind of Extra. That twirl where she sticks her leggy straight up vertically in the air is like… Was that necessary? It certainly isn’t physically possible. Ask figure skaters.

The Terra/Xehanort scene was surprisingly good despite Terra’s VA. It was nice to get some insight into how that relationship is going. Because the rest of time seems pretty linear, we know that scene takes place, for Terra, at some point AFTER the worlds start vanishing. But if we take the claim that time is - if not absent - weird in the Realm of Darkness, then we don’t have any sense other than that. Maleficent gathered the princesses from the worlds we saw before she met Riku so that isn’t any indication, really.

Did I start crying when I saw Destiny Islands? Almost. Did I take a million screenshots of HD Destiny Islands? You bet your ass I did.

I did kinda cry when I saw Riku in his dumb KH1 puffy pants, though.

So behind the door in the Realm of Light is the heart of the world, but when it’s in the realm of darkness, it’s a magic keyblade shrine? I’m not really gonna argue. It seems to be a symbolic thing. Whatever. Good to know it’s a “push” door I suppose.

I’m not looking forward to that Demon Tide boss showing up again.

Mickey says he’s been “working with” Sora and Riku and he’s a fucking liar you didn’t do shit for them during KH1, Your Majesty, I WAS THERE.

“Kingdom hearts.. well okay not really kingdom hearts but. It’s sorta like a mini kingdom hearts? look we didn’t have the lore finalized at this point so just. pretend for me, Aqua.”

I can’t believe the Darkness ate King Mickey’s shirt.

(I know it was for the sake of consistency, and if it hadn’t happened you’d have people saying Mickey took his shirt off to be all macho mouse for that scene but still. Did anyone remember going in what Mickey was or wasn’t wearing during that scene?)

Kairi gets 3 seconds of screen time, and they are THE BEST. She’s super on point and I love her and hope she beats Lea up repeatedly and that we get to watch. Or do it.

I’m so thankful that Yensid didn’t pull a “no, Kairi you’re a princess of heart you can’t do both.” I didn’t think he would but it wasn’t NOT a fear of mine.

RIKU AND KAIRI INTERACTION. I PRAYED SO HARD. FOR SO MANY YEARS.

Riku’s whole “I tried to hard too be a role model” thing had me in tears. My son. My beautiful darling son. I am so proud of you. So proud

Sora-esque.

Yen Sid’s “No, see you would have done some stupid brave shit and fucked it all up” was. Amazing. Surpassed only by his “Sora, you fool, you complete and utter fuckup.”

“HAPPENS ALL THE TIME”

So… was Yensid actually talking about Hercules or did Sora just… guess wrong. Because Yensid never explicitly says to go to Olympus Coliseum. Sora’s just…. really literal minded.

Goddammit I take back what I said about Next Gen the canon Disney characters look TERRIBLE. I really hope they work on that before KH3 because I really don’t want to deal with plastic model Donald and Goofy the whole time. Please.

I did NOT miss Donald Ducks voice.

That Gummi ship scene was incredible? HD Sora is so expressive and adorable and precious.

I like watching the dynamic between those three. It’s weird as fuck to watch with these graphics, and Donald and Goofy’s voices make it near impossible to take seriously, but it was fun to see.

“May your heart be your guiding key” DID YOU ALL FORGET WHY SORA FUCKED UP SO BAD IN THE MARK OF MASTERY? GOD DIDN’T YOU HEAR WHAT XIGBAR SAID? “Aren’t hearts great? Lead us wrong every time.” GODDAMMIT.

(I suspect that Mr. MoM knew that too, and was counting on it, hard. Even if he isn’t Braig.)

Special Credits:

I don’t have much to say other than HOLY SHIT NOSTALGIA and that i’m such a sucker for parallels in fiction that I was kind of rolling around with glee.

I actually didn’t realize just how much hugging and touching there is in this series?

Everyone’s all “KH doesn’t have explicit Romantic Parings” But they DID just do a giant romance montage (which included Namine and Roxas?) just to lead up to Sora and Kairi so. Not all that subtle.

As much as I’m :/ about that last bit, it was nice to see this game remember that other parts of the Destiny Islands trio exist besides Sora and Riku’s dynamic. We got some Riku and Kairi in 0.2 and we got this little bit in the credits so at least they haven’t forgotten Kairi exists.

#kh 2.8 spoilers

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hitchell-mope · 5 years

Text

(Third movie. The ember incident)

(On the Jolly Roger. Harriet melts out of the shadows. Falls face first on the floor. She gets up. Grabs a fire poker. And immediately starts attacking everything in sight)

Harriet: I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM ALL. I WANT NOTHING MORE THEN TO GRAB THEM AND GRIND THEIR FACES INTO POISONOUS CORAL. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

(CJ has been patiently watching her sisters tirade, while silently judging her, and is now ready to say her piece)

CJ: drink?

Harriet: port if we have it

CJ: coming right up

Harriet: what’ve you been reading. A brine bloated Bronte?

CJ: a sea soaked Shelley actually

Harriet: the light is terrible in here. You should at least read out on the deck if not at the shadow man’s

CJ: you know I could but I don’t want to.

Harriet: fair is fair.

CJ: so. I take it the little convo didn’t work out?

Harriet: that little witch girl got to me before I could slay the dragon

CJ: and how would that have worked out for you? The king has magic. Then there’s her sister. And the genie. And the kid. And the specky little four eyed weirdo. Who all love her for some reason.

Harriet: because they don’t know what she is.

CJ: the daughter of Maleficent

(Harriet gives her a withering look)

CJ: ohhhh the other thing

Harriet: yes the other thing (she takes a swig of port) if they knew. About the both of them. They would never be welcome. Then the kingdom would be Harry’s for the taking

CJ: we have to tell him first

Harriet: if we ever see him again

CJ: they both knew what would happen if they hypnotised the prince. It’s twue wuv after all

Harriet: uuuurrrrgggghhhh! Gimme a Legume any day.

CJ: why?

Harriet: Deaux is 6”5 and built like a cement lavatory. You do the math

CJ: yeah. Still can’t see it.

Harriet: for that I blame Gothel

CJ: in her day mother Gothel was a very handsome woman

Harriet: if you say so. But now she’s old haggard and constantly whinging about a German lettuce.

CJ: I would also like the German lettuce. Gaddammit. Why are all the good women either too old, straight, prefer my brother or hate my guts.

Harriet: because there’s about fifty mothers here, with as many children on this slag heap there’s bound to be hetero’s, they think they can “fix” him even though he doesn’t need fixing and those people are idiots who will one day be felled by our blades

(A dustished but very old man hobbles down to the galley)

CJ: hey uncle Starkey

Starkey: good afternoon girls. Have you see your father today

Harriet: with luck he swallowed his own tongue during the night

Starkey: Harriet

Harriet: fine. I’ll go check on the bastard

(Meanwhile at the arcade. Hades has arrived just as Mal and the others left

Facillier: and where exactly do you think you are going?

Hades (Jesse L Martin): the barrier. Iris. I have a present for her. Whew. That took a lot out of me

Facillier: if you teleported then you’d not be out of breath like a common mortal

Hades: I need to get this to her before she leaves. Engagement present

(He holds up the ember. Facillier blanches and grabs the gods arm)

Facillier: my daughter is in that limo. And I entrusted her safety to the future queen. Do you honestly think I’d let you endanger my daughter because of your frankly horrendously tardy sentiment

Hades: 🎶it can be her old new borrowed and blue🎶

Facillier: it will not recognise her. Either of them. It could kill them both.

Hades: Hadie said that as well.

Facillier: how drunk was the young one

Hades: something about reed root

Facillier: oh yeah. I gave it to him.

Hades: thank you for that by the way. Now he can argue.

Facillier: you’re welcome

Hades: just wait until you kid starts boozing

(Facillier stops smiling)

Hades: ta ta

(He teleports away in electric blue fire waving goodbye as he does so)

Facillier (hurriedly): no nononononono (sighs deeply and looks upwards) I know I did wrong. And I have more then made up for it. But you are testing me. And it is not appreciated. So please. One break. I have surely earned that much?

Tremaine: FACILLIER!

Facillier (under his breath): evidently not (with a fake smile on his face and faux joviality) Lady Tremaine. To what do I owe the pleasure

Tremaine: is it back yet.

Facillier: who

Tremaine: the flesh mass I pulled out of my daughter 13 years ago

Facillier (looking and sounding rightly horrified): you mean Dizzy

Tremaine: is that it’s name? Huh. I thought we left it unnamed

Facillier: of course. Wouldn’t want to give her the illusion that you care about her would you?

Tremaine: see. You get it.

(Facillier groans inwardly)

Tremaine: so. Where is she. Is she back yet. The salon needs cleaning.

Facillier: she is in Auradon. Where she has been for a year.

Tremaine: I assumed that folly would have fallen through ages ago

Facillier: in case you haven’t noticed there is a distinct lack of unhappy starving neglected and abused children milling about.

Tremaine: I know it’s sickening isn’t it.

Facillier: not really no. There’s only so much hades and myself can do. It’s good that they’re getting out of here. We deserve it.

Tremaine: I don’t believe I deserve this fate

Facillier: and that is exactly why you do. Anyway. Haven’t you got a grandson you torture?

Tremaine: Anastasia took Anthony away. Eight years ago. As far as I know he’s in flagrante with that Hadie person

Facillier: good for him.

Tremaine: people like him should be strung up. You can clean my salon. Won’t that be nice. Your people made a name for themselves working for my kind after all

Facillier: in a single breath you have displayed homophobia and racism. So no. Clean up your own mess you privileged bitch

(He teleports her away)

Vision!Celia: she has such a bad attitude

Facillier: it’s the privilege. Ruins people.

V!Celia: you raised Celia right. Well. Right as you could given circumstances

Facillier: now she’s safe

(From outside there’s a screeching noise)

Facillier: I spoke too soon

(In the limo)

Mal: don’t tell me you brought it with you?

Evie: of course I did

Ben: brought what?

Mal: my dear little sister is belabouring under the impression that she’s my wedding planner. Ben and I have been engaged to less than a day.

Evie: your point being?

Mal: my point being is. How long have you been working on this? Since cotillion?

Evie: no not cotillion. Coronation

Mal: my mistake. Gissa look then

Evie: no! With any luck you won’t have to until the final product

Mal: ahahaha. No. Give it here.

Evie: but Ben

Mal (pitting up a hand to silence her sister): Ben dear. Would you like to know what our wedding is going to look like?

Ben: yes please

Evie (sighing): fine

(She hands the binder to her sister who starts perusing it with Ben)

Mal: let’s see now.

Ben: oh dear oh dear dear dear dear dear

Evie: what now?

Mal: white dress? Really?

Evie: what’s wrong with white? It’s classic traditional pure innocent virg...(sees the “bitch please look at who you’re talking to” expressions bal are giving her and how much Mal is pressed up against Ben’s chest) ok I see where I went wrong. So what do you suggest.

Ben: purple green and black for Mal’s side

Mal: blue and yellow for Ben’s side

Evie: but the dresses

Mal: I have some ideas. Tell me Ben. What’s your favourite dress of mine.

Ben: uhhhh. Hmmmmm. The dress you had at cotillion after you turned into a dragon

Mal: great. We use that one then.

Evie: what about the feathers?

Mal: I’m not that fond of feathers.

Evie: yeah yeah yeah. Everyone’s aware of your stance on doves. What about swans.

Mal: love her. Should’ve killed Regina though. And her daughter in law is more my speed

Ben: so is the son. Well. The season seven one

Mal: why do you think I opened with daughter in law

Evie: how did this turn into a rundown of your collective fictional crushes.

Mal: would you rather we talk about Paul Rudd. Or Mark Ruffalo? Whichever you prefer is fine with us

Evie (going red in the face and squirming in her seat): ummmm.

Mal: I’m kidding sis. Swans are fine. But dye them black blue purple yellow and green. Mkay?

Evie: yeah fine whatever

Doug: JESUS CHRIST!!!!

(Everyone follows his gaze to the back window. A women is running to the archway sending others into a panic. She’s got a glowing jewel in her hand)

Doug: who is that

Vks (except Celia): I don’t know

Celia: it’s hades

Jay: what.

Celia: gods don’t have a fixed form Jay

Mal: c’mon

(They all get out of the limo. Except Celia who’s caught by Mal and given to Carlos who puts her back in the limo)

Celia: what the hell are you doing let me help

Mal: sorry kid. Your dad told me to look after you. And to do that you can’t be here. Carlos can you take her back to the school?

Carlos: sure thing

(He gets into the drivers seat and tears away leaving the others to face the god)

Mal: what do we do.

Evie: oh I think you know

Mal: oh. Heh heh. Right

(Her eyes glow bright emerald gree. Purple smoke surrounds her. When it clears she’s a dragon)

Jay: I’ll cover Mal. Ben and Evie you two go either side. Doug. Call the guys at home. Tell them to stop filming

Doug: why would they still be. Oh ok I heard it as I said. I’ll calm them

(In Auradon Carlos has just burst out of the limo)

Carlos: gran you gotta come with me right now. Gramma could you please take Celia and make sure she doesn’t off?

Elsa: what’s wrong?

Belle: why would Celia run off?

Celia: Hades is trying to escape the barrier.

Carlos: I didn’t want to tell them just yet kid

Celia: well it’s the truth

Belle: why is he trying to escape the barrier

Chad: who’s escaping the barrier

Celia: Don’t you have a girlfriend to disappoint

Chad: she’s at the bar

Celia: then go

Chad: I’d rather stay here

Carlos: FUCK OFF CHAD

Chad: well then

Belle: chad please

Chad: oh my god HAHAHAHA SHE GONNA DIE HAHAHAHAHA

(They all look towards the jumbo screen)

Carlos: oh this is not good

(At the barrier hades is being force choked by Ben, Jay and Evie which is making him flit between all four forms. The ember is blasting Mal in the heart. She’s screaming. Doug’s putting gloves on in case it goes south. It does. Mal manages to fly above the ember blast. Hades accidentally drops it. Once it hits the ground it’s blast concentrates on Ben, Jay and Evie. Mal turns back into a human too weak to maintain dragon form and falls. Doug catches her)

(In Auradon Chad’s still laughing)

Chad: look at your freak of a queen now people. So pathetic she can’t beat a god. One who crossdresses apparently

Leah (hobbling up to them): he is right. That girl will spell destruction for us all

Belle: why are you here Leah?

Elsa: more to the point. Why are you still alive

Audrey (rushing to them): I’m so sorry. I invited her so she can apologise to Mal and oh my god what’s happening

Celia: a god, who FYI is more powerful then a genie, dark fairy, sorceress and hybrid combined numbnuts, is trying to escape the barrier

Audrey: are they ok

Chad: who cares

Carlos, Celia, Belle, Elsa and Audrey: we care

Leah: I agree with chad. Perhaps if she dies my granddaughter can retain her rightful place on the throne then our plans will not have been for naught

Audrey: you know what Grammy? Why don’t you just piss of back to Auroria. Because you are not wanted here. Queen Elsa could you do the honours? Please?

Elsa: it would be my pleasure

(She teleports Leah away in a flurry of snow)

Carlos: where’d Celia go?

(In te gym Celia melts out from the shadow just in time to see dizzy and the twins cheering at Lonnie beating Gil in a sparring match)

Celia: what the hell are you doing. (Pointing to Gil) your brother (pointing to Dizzy) your mother (pointing to Lonnie) and the object of your lust are being targeted by an escaping god.

Lonnie: wait what? How did you I

Celia: I can read people alright. It’s not a. It’s not a good thing. Especially on the island. Anyway. Hades. Escaping. Friends. In trouble. Dizz’s asshole cousin. Running his mouth. Help. Or not

Gil: help. No question. We help however we can.

Celia: good. You two do something about the stench. Dizzy the twins and I will go back outside come on guys

(She melts back into shadow along with the others. At the barrier Doug has set Mal on the ground and turned his attention to hades)

Doug: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

Hades (Sebastian Stan): it won’t stop until it’s back inside the barrier

Doug: argh I hate adults.

(He rubs part Jay and kicks the ember back inside. The momentum of the jewel hits hades square in the forehead and sends him somesaulting backwards. Ben, Jay and Evie collapse on the ground)

Hades (on the verge of tears): I’m so sorry my darlings

(Mal, eyes ablaze with fury, sends thorn vines in his direction. Hades teleports away in blue fire and the vines disintegrate when they hit the barrier. Then Mal collapses again)

Doug (going to each of them in turn): is everyone alright? I’m just gonna roll you over in your sides so you don’t swallow your tongues.

Evie (pulling him into a hug): you saved us

Doug: well my family was in trouble. It’s what we do for each other. Why would that-stone-thing-attack you guys

Mal (breathing heavily): I uh I don’t I dun kn

Ben (rushing to her side): it’s ok. It’s ok. It’s all over

Evie (scoffing): for all you know. It’s hades. He mortalised his nephew because he was jealous.

Doug: that was a bastardisation. Zeus is really the dickhead. It’s not Hades who literally swans about look for human women to prey upon

Jay: you know all this how?

Doug: I read.

Jay: such as?

Doug: tumblr. Mostly. When you manage to find your own niche away from drama you it’s very informative.

Ben: but you’re technologically illiterate.

Doug: I was not so much but that Evie and Carlos helped oh dear

(Mal’s retched and thrown up on the ground)

Mal: that was awful. It was tearing my magic out of me. It felt like last year.

Evie: I felt it too. Like a price of my soul was being ripped out

Jay: we need to get back to the school.

Doug: none of you are in any position to teleport yourselves or me. I’ll call Carlos and ask him to bring the car (he rifles around in his pockets) fucking fuckity fuck fuck shitting hell

Mal: what’s wrong.

Doug: I put my phone on the seat next to me. In the limo.

Jay: so we’re fucked?

Doug: basically yeah

Celia (in the limo): not completely

Ben: what the heck?

Celia: you really should swear more

Mal: what are you doing Celia?

Celia: I’ve come to help. Unless you want to be exposed to the elements

Jay: no thanks

Celia: then get in.

(The teens, with Ben caring Mal bridal style, all pile in the limo and drive off. None of them see the two eels watching them from the water. This is when “wicked always wins” happens)

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

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