#and yet even that isn’t totally true because she can still BE hurt by it

[hornychristianprincess]

wasted (leehan x fem reader) FINAL

paring: leehan x fem reader, ft. taesan genre: smut, fluff, angst, fuckboy!leehan word count: 15k summary: finally confessing your feelings to leehan leads to a reaction you could have never prepared for. warnings: unwanted sexual advances (NOT from leehan), explicit [consensual] sex scenes, oral (female receiving), unprotected sex (wrap it b4 you tap it ppl) read on ao3 if you please by clicking HERE.

“Jaehyun, you have a lot of friends, right?” asks Leehan when he and his roommate are relaxing in their shared living room, doing homework. “Do you know anyone who works in the tutoring office? Blonde streak of hair?”

It’s the only attributes he can remember about the guy he saw you entering your room with only a few days ago, noticing the blue tutoring office logo on the chest of his polo shirt and the distinctive stripe of color in the middle his head. 

“Oh yeah, I think you’re talking about Taesan,” says Jaehyun, who luckily isn’t paying attention enough to his roommate to notice how he perks up at just the name. “Why?”

Even Leehan himself isn’t exactly sure why he cares so much. 

It’s hypocritical at best and gross at worst to think that you have any less of a right to screw around than he does. 

But whether it's his innate territoriality coming into play or the fact that he’s upset it wasn’t him at your side instead, he can’t help but see you differently after what he saw.

“I saw him with some girl I was fucking. Sexual partners are like cars – You don’t want one everyone gets to use, you know?”

Jaehyun, who had up until this point been lying on the floor and playing idly with his Nintendo switch, sits up to look at Leehan. “You’re not talking about Y/N, are you?”

The first thought that comes to a surprised Leehan’s mind is what he said to have tipped Jaehyun off. Failing to think of any divertive lie, he decides there’s no harm in Jaehyun knowing, only wondering, “How’d you find out?”

“I saw her going into your room the night of my Halloween party,”  he explains reasonably, before his voice and facial expression turn suddenly serious. “You shouldn’t talk about her like that. She’s going through a lot right now. She just failed all of her midterms and she might get kicked out of school.”

“Wait, really?” asks Leehan, who is hit with a sudden pang of deja vu as if he’s heard this before but doesn’t remember from where. 

And then, it’s with a sudden and strong surge of embarrassment that he remembers the moment when he was feeling horny and decided to send you a dick pic, pressing the little blue arrow after only briefly glancing at the above messages.

“Oh shit. I think she told me that.”

Jaehyun laughs jeeringly, the resentful sound of which brings Leehan out of his own spiraling thoughts. “You’re an asshole, man,” he asserts, saying it in a way that’s so casual it’s as if it’s just a known fact. 

Not an insult or a compliment, but simply a thing that’s true. 

And somehow, the neutrality of it hurts worse. 

“No offense, but I totally hope she forgets she ever met you.”

Hit by the irony of such cruel words being preceded by no offense, Leehan becomes sarcastic to avoid having to express the true hurt of being told that. “None taken. That seriously wasn’t offensive at all, Jaehyun.”

Maybe Jaehyun is right. After working so hard to emphasize the line between being fuckbuddies and being in a relationship, yet still finding himself acting the exact way he feared you would, isn’t asshole the only way to truly express how shitty he’s being about this? 

It’s at that moment that Leehan considers that perhaps this relationship between the two of you has spiraled out of control. 

Because something that should be inherently easy and casual has now caused him far too much regret and remorse for his liking.

Sitting in an empty classroom with Taesan, you share a cup of bubble tea, the drinking of which causes you to bump hands several times as you reach out to grab it at the same time. 

Interacting with Taesan always brings up sweet and innocent feelings that are like that of childhood crushes, or chasing fireflies on your lawn after dark. 

Fall break has long been over and yet you continue to meet with him even outside of your mandatory weekly check-ins, forgetting the anxiety that once plagued you over this arrangement. 

The time you spend with Taesan is so fulfilling that you’ve managed to completely forget that Leehan hasn’t contacted you in almost a week. 

Well, maybe not completely. 

You still wonder from time to time what he’s thinking, if maybe he read the text message you sent prior to his dick pic and internalized the part where you emphasized how you wouldn’t have time for him anymore.

There is of course a tiny part of you that feels empty and abandoned at the idea of him ghosting you and never talking to you again.

But it’s in a stroke of optimism, feigned or otherwise, that you decide to pour your attention into someone who feels like a much better match for you, that someone being Taesan.

“I’m just about to finish with this assignment. After I’m done, do you wanna go to the caf?” you mumble out in inquiry to Taesan as you check over your quiz answers for the last time before submitting. 

You hear him make a noncommittal noise in response, which you first interpret as disinterest, but only seconds later recognize to be absent-mindedness as you feel his eyes warming the side of your face. 

You let out a chuckle, just about to say something teasing to him for being caught staring at you when a few warm fingers glide across your ear. Taken aback, you meet Taesan’s gaze as he tucks away a piece of your stray hair. 

“Are you okay?” he asks softly, holding your face in his hand. “You have this…faraway look in your eyes.”

Your eyes dart between his face and his hand that’s slow to come off of your ear, surprised by the sudden bit of physical contact.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you answer calmly if maybe a bit shakily, trying to appear normal though your head screams with a million passing thoughts at once. Taesan nods in acceptance of this answer before turning back to his laptop as if nothing happened. 

If you were at all a gambling person, you’d bet good money that the telltale, suave move of tucking your hair behind your ear was a way for him to see how you’d react to something less platanotic from him. 

And if you were to allow this moment to pass by without saying anything, you know that he would follow your lead and pretend like this never happened. He’d use your silence as evidence that his advances are unwelcome. 

Perhaps you’re feeling a little bold, but you don’t want him to go any longer thinking that his interest isn’t reciprocated.

“Wait,” you remark, reaching out to grab Taesan’s wrist. “Taesan, can I kiss you?”

The usually mysterious, confident boy loses his ability to speak when you ask him that, eyes going wide and only nodding to communicate his consent. Finding his sudden shyness charming, you smile as you lean in to press your lips against his. 

Taesan’s mouth is just as inviting as you thought it would be all the times you spent staring at it when you were sure he wasn’t looking. He may have acted shy just now, but the way that Taesan kisses you is like fire. He presses his mouth hard against yours, and when his body does the same you soon find yourself pressed into the rolling chair you’re sitting in.

Your hand moves up to tangle in his hair, pulling him in to deepen the kiss. You were sure that Taesan, ever the responsible one, would be the person between the two of you to pull away before things got too heated. 

But now, all he does is lean in to your provocations, sticking his tongue into your mouth while you whimper against his. 

And as you try to allow your brain to white out so that you can truly relax into the gratification he is sure to give you, all you can think about is how his lips are not Leehan’s lips.

His hands are not Leehan’s hands. 

His kiss doesn’t evoke even a fraction of the electricity that Leehan does just by looking at you. 

You accept then that self-preservation must be a confounding myth to your psyche, because against all odds, you are still very much into Leehan. 

And while you could easily fuck Taesan anyway and let the enjoyment of his sex prove as a temporary salve to the gaping wound that is your feelings for Leehan, you feel too much like he doesn’t deserve to fuck someone with such selfish intentions. 

So, it’s with both regret and sobering understanding that you pull Taesan away from you, lines of spit breaking into drool as you separate.

The two of you become temporarily frozen in a moment of both confusion and shock. Taesan, looking at you with widened eyes and reddened lips, asks in a small yet urgent voice, “What? Is something wrong?”

You already feel like a piece of shit as you loosen your grip on Taesan’s hair, letting your hands fall to your lap and noticing that his still rest on your waist. “Taesan…” you begin, and already at just the sound of his name, you can see his expression wilting, like he knows by the unsure tone of your voice exactly what you’re going to say. And how couldn’t he, when you suck so badly at giving bad news?

“I think you’re an amazing person. And believe me when I say I really, really wanted this between us,” you emphasize, wishing you could get swallowed up by a hole as he continues to stare at you in dumbfounded awe. 

You know that these aren't words anyone wants to hear but you feel compelled to say them, feeling like Taesan deserves honesty from you.

“To be completely candid with you, the reason why I’m on academic probation is because of a guy. A recent guy who treated me like shit, but because I’m an idiot, I still want him.”

You wait on edge for the moment when Taesan’s disposition will return to that of the understanding, kind person you’ve come to know, the moment when you’ll both laugh at the awkwardness of this situation and allow yourselves to forget it ever happened.

Instead, though, all you see in Taesan’s eyes is a fiery passion that makes your head hurt as you realize he won’t let this rejection go down easily. 

“You know that doesn’t matter to me right? We don’t have to…be all romantic, and shit. I’m fine with something casual. Happier with that, even.”

It’s with a pang of insecurity that you fight back a self-pitying laugh at those words, wondering what it is about you that makes men only want casual, no-strings-attached relationships with you. 

“I’m sorry for making things awkward. And if you don’t want to tutor me anymore after this, I’d completely understand,” you concede in the nicest possible tone you can muster, still incredibly conscious of Taesan’s hands that have still not left your waist. “But I can’t do this, Taesan. You’re amazing but I just…I can’t, okay?”

When Taesan continues to stare at you as if he isn’t comprehending a word that’s coming out of your mouth, you reach down to move his hands off of your waist yourself, and when you do,  you’re shocked when you feel his fingers seizing around your wrists to hold them in place. 

“You’re being ridiculous, Y/N. So what if you’re not over your ex? That shouldn’t stop you from getting your rocks off,” he says, voice rising considerably as he squeezes your wrists so harshly it begins to hurt. 

It’s at this moment that you realize you’ll never be able to look at Taesan the same again. 

No longer the sweet, kind and helpful boy you first met, he looks pathetic and at worst, scary as he continues to refuse your rejection.

“Taesan, I’m really gonna need you to let go of me,” you request, saying it without any niceties as you manage to convince yourself that maybe he’s just taking this extra hard for whatever reason and just needs to hear you being serious so that he can come to his senses. “Listen, how about we end early for today and talk about this another time–”

“I’m not letting you leave until you can look me in my eyes and give me one good reason why we shouldn’t do this,” he asserts, still holding your wrists, laughing a little in a way that makes it hard for you to tell if he knows that he’s making you uncomfortable or thinks that this is all just some game of hard-to-get. “You can act coy all you want but I know you want me, I could tell as soon as I met you.”

“I’m gonna tell you to let go of me one more time, Taesan, and then I start screaming,” you threaten, no longer feeling amused or pitiful but instead angry, adrenaline running through your veins as you consider the possibility of having to physically attack him. 

You’re not sure how things escalated so quickly but now you’re quickly regretting ever befriending Han Taesan in the first place, ever thinking that he could be a permanent fixture in your life.

Catching you by surprise, Taesan stands up suddenly from his chair and drags you up with him. It’s in a flurry of movements that he somehow manages to pin you against a wall, smirking down at you from above. 

You let out a squeal but he covers your mouth, strong enough to use only one of his hands to keep your arms pinned above your head. He laughs as you struggle against him, perhaps not realizing – or worse, realizing it and getting off on how deeply he’s managed to scare you.

“What?” he asks through upturned lips, pressing his body into yours. “Don’t girls like it when guys don’t take no for an answer?”

It’s in the strangest and most serendipitous stroke of luck that you hear the sound of the classroom door swinging open.

And when you turn your head to meet the gaze of your savior, it’s Leehan who you see standing there, taking in the scene in front of him. 

It feels stupid and random that of course it’s Leehan who just happened to be the person to walk in here, but you don’t dwell too much on the details, focused on the relief that floods through you knowing there’s someone here to intervene on your behalf. 

Leehan hesitates momentarily as he wonders if he’s just had the misfortune to accidentally walk in on the kinky foreplay between you and this new guy you’ve been seeing. Attending a lecture in this same building, he happened to walk by the classroom and hear a distressed voice that sounded vaguely familiar. 

Through the fogged glass material of the door, he could just barely make out your silhouette, instinctually barging in to see what was going on. 

If Leehan didn’t know you so well, he might’ve immediately bolted at the sight of you engaging in intimacy with someone else. It would be too much and he knows it would force him to confront his conflicting feelings towards you.

But the moment he meets your gaze and sees the steely, ice cold fear that’s in your eyes, his next moves are made clear. Without questioning anything, he steps forward and punches an already staggering Taesan in the face.

The punch causes Taesan to fall backward, blood that you aren’t sure is coming from his lip or his nose splattering onto the floor. You and Leehan remain frozen, you in shock at both Taesan’s actions and Leehan’s sudden presence, and Leehan with the adrenaline of becoming unexpectedly violent. 

It’s in that moment of stillness on both of your parts that Taesan has time to recover, and before you can react, he’s leaping forward to tackle Leehan onto a nearby desk.

You let out a squeal of shock as the two men struggle, causing desks and their chairs to fly around the room haphazardly in the process.

And to your horror, Taesan quickly gets the upper hand over Leehan, sitting on top of the shorter boy in a straddling position before letting his hands fly in a series of devastating punches. 

You go to pull him off but he pushes you away, forcing you then to search frantically for your phone in the hopes of calling campus security before Leehan is pulverized any further.

“Hey, is something going o—” you hear an unfamiliar voice ask, and you look up to find that you’ve been discovered by a complete stranger, a boy who you assume is another student by his shaggy attire and backpack. He answers his own question by glancing into the room and catching sight of Taesan and Leehan who are both now bleeding as they remain wrestling on the floor.

You’re just about to enlist the stranger to help you in dragging Taesan off of Leehan when, suddenly, you don’t have to. 

Realizing that the stranger’s presence could mean that even more people could arrive to inspect what’s causing all of this noise any second, you watch as the fear of getting in trouble overtakes Taesan’s expression until he’s getting up. 

He gets up and sprints out of the classroom wildly, shoulder checking the stranger in the process as he flees out of the building.

“Should I run after him?” asks the student at the door who you’re sure is still processing what he’s just seen. But more than anything else, you’re worried about Leehan, who you just saw taking several punches to the face and is laying down on the ground making strangled, agonized noises.

“No. It’s better that you scared him away. I just need to get him to the infirmary,” you reply, trying to sound more calm and controlled than you feel but hearing how your adrenaline from the past few minute’s events causes your voice to come out shaky and broken. The stranger asks if you need any help but you wave him away, deciding it would be too much of a burden to have to explain what just happened to anyone else. 

So it’s by yourself that you go to hover over Leehan’s body and try to push back the horror of seeing his face bloodied and bruised so that you can help him onto his feet.

And because most of the damage seems to be centralized on his face — maybe his back and head, too, after being tackled onto the ground — he mostly manages to stand up on his own. Though, once on his feet, he has to lean on you to avoid staggering.

“Don’t…let him…go, Y/N,” he mumbles, making you feel even more concerned and on edge as his garbled tone makes it sound like he’s one step away from passing out. “He was…hurting you, wasn’t he?”

“It’s fine, Leehan. Let’s just get you to the infirmary,” you reply dismissively, needing him to be pliant more than anything in this moment so that you can get him to your thankfully close by campus infirmary without issue. 

Your transgression with Taesan with startling and for a brief moment, terrifying. But with him now gone, the majority of your distress lies with Leehan and making sure he’s okay.

And to your relief, as you take a few steps forward with Leehan’s arm leaned over your shoulder, he remains upright and mostly autonomous in his movements.

He continues to say nothing on your way out of the building outside from the occasional groan, and you’re sure that as the adrenaline wears off that the pain in his face must become more present. You luckily make it to the infirmary moments later, where the doctor on call takes one look at Leehan’s face and immediately rushes him into a care room. 

Everything that happens after that is a bit of a blur for you. A campus security officer comes to take a statement from you. You tell him everything, giving him Taesan’s full name and picture in the hopes that it can lead to some type of action, although a part of you feels discouraged and numb at that notion.

You wait anxiously in the lobby of the infirmary, waiting for an update from the doctor and feeling like you’re gonna throw up when the older woman comes out from the hallway with a neutral, unreadable expression on her face.

“Hi ma'am. Your friend is doing just fine. All of the cuts on his face are superficial, so they’ll heal on their own. He’ll have some bruises and swelling, which will also go away with time. He does have a bit of a concussion, so we’ll send you both home with some Tylenol. If you’d like to come and see him, you can follow me.”

Though you figured that most of his injuries were minor, you still feel relieved to hear that nothing is significantly wrong; it’s irrational, but you know you would have been eaten alive with guilt had anything serious happened. 

Getting up to follow the doctor, you walk into the care room to find Leehan sitting on the edge of an examination chair, a nurse still applying little white bandaids to a cut on his cheek. When he sees you come in he smiles, though only fleetingly as the gesture causes him to wince in pain.

You don’t know what to say to him, so you opt to sit down on a chair that’s directly next to his dangling legs. You watch as the nurse goes to prod at a separate wound on his lip with a q-tip dipped in brown liquid. You don’t realize how tense you are until you feel the warmth of a hand over yours, and when you look up, Leehan is staring at you in amusement. 

“You’re shaking,” he observes, and though he can’t smirk without it causing him pain, he still gazes at you in a way that is teasing and smug. And the fact that he’s concerned about you when he’s the one who’s getting medical attention makes you let out a cynical, humorless laugh.

“Don’t worry about me. Look what he did to you.”

“I’m still good-looking, though, aren’t I?” he replies playfully, and because you’re so upset, you feel yourself almost inclined to scold him for making such jokes in light of the circumstances. But Leehan, never one to read the room or adhere to the tones and moods of others, is laughing as he commands, “You have to tell me or I’ll have an internal crisis.”

You stare at him with your eyebrows furrowed, wanting to be annoyed by him but not being able to help your smile as he continues to await your confirmation of his enduring looks with a pout. 

Rolling your eyes, it’s with a bit of resistance in your voice that you reply, “Yes, you’re still handsome, Leehan.”

He pumps his fist up in the air triumphantly, and with that, the nurse leaves the room, telling you that she’ll return with the official paperwork needed so that he can be discharged.

Once she’s gone, it’s quiet between the two of you until Leehan breaks the silence with a question. “That guy…his name’s Taesan, right?”

You’re taken aback, both at the sudden change in his tone and disposition –  his voice now serious and inquiring – and the fact that he even knows who Taesan is. “How do you know?”

“I saw you with him outside of your dorm. Asked Jaehyun who he is,” he responds plainly. And as you take in this information, you’re not sure what to say in reply. Even just knowing that he was outside of your dorm that day when Taesan came to your room and didn’t say anything makes you think he must’ve had some kind of reaction to seeing the two of you together. 

And as you put the timing together, it makes sense why you hadn’t heard from him for a week until now.

But then again, it doesn’t make sense. Because the Leehan you know, the Leehan you’ve come to resent, surely wouldn’t — shouldn't — care to see you with another guy when he’s been so adamant about keeping things non-exclusive between the two of you.

“Are you together?” he asks when you remain silent, and in what feels like a complete switch in power dynamics, you find that Leehan is the one now clearly expressing some kind of worry or at the very least interest in what you get up to when you’re not with him. 

And because you feel both vindicated to be on the other side of this sort of questioning, and not at all entitled to tell him the truth, you answer by asking, “If I said yes, what would you say?”

Leehan looks at you, all amusement absent from his expression even as he says somewhat sarcastically, “That I thought being with me meant you had better taste in men.”

His response causes you to scoff, the idea of him thinking that he’s somehow at a higher caliber than all the other similarly emotionally-unavailable men on your campus something you find absurd. 

And yes, maybe it’s because you’re already feeling a little bitter towards him that you’re then replying scathingly, “If anything, wouldn’t my interest in you mean the opposite?”

“Funny,” he says sardonically in reply. The atmosphere between the two of you currently is tense. He resents you for being with someone else and you resent him for setting boundaries for your relationship that he never intended to follow.

And yet, despite the unresolved negative emotions that are clearly swimming between the two of you, it feels absurd and crazy to say that as you continue to make unbroken and silent eye contact, you feel like he’s about to kiss you. 

That’s the sort of crazy chemistry you seem to have with one another, where even as you both have the rationality to recognize the toxicity of this dynamic you both still find yourselves magnetically pulled to one another in a way that, in most people’s eyes, would be viewed as mindless. 

But it’s just as you swear he’s leaning in that the doctor comes into the room, handing Leehan a clipboard and telling him he can go once he’s finished filling out a few forms. You wait for him, not sure what will happen once you leave but feeling almost responsible to at least see him to his apartment.

And so, you exit the hospital together, and it’s as you’re walking out that you voice to him truthfully, “It feels weird just dropping you off like you didn’t just get your face rearranged trying to save me.”

He lets out a chuckle in response, swinging his body so that he’s standing in front of you before shrugging and saying, “Then don’t drop me off. We could go to your dorm, watch a movie.”

The request to do something as simple as watch a movie sounds so foreign coming out of his mouth that you can’t help but laugh out loud. “When do we ever watch a movie?” you ask, repeating the words in disbelief. 

You’re mostly joking when you ask that, but it’s with a tiny pang of sadness that you acknowledge the tragedy of him wanting your company for something other than sex being something that’s so unbelievable.

“Today. Rocky V is probably ill-timed, but I love a good nature documentary,” he replies with a grin, and as always, you are unable to get a read on his expression to know if he is being serious or not. 

But today has been a crazy day and you know that being in your room by yourself after everything that’s happened is only going to make you feel worse. So, deciding that there’s no harm in keeping him company for just a little while longer, you allow him to lead the way to the building that he’s been to so many times. 

You know from learning your roommate’s schedule that she’ll be in a lab for the next 3 hours, a fact that makes you feel relieved as you enter your dorm with Leehan trailing behind you. He comes in and immediately collapses onto the couch, spreading his arms out on either side of the cushions in a way that brings renewed attention to his broad shoulders.

“So. Do you actually want to watch a movie?” you ask casually as you stand a few feet away from him, trying your hardest to keep any bitterness out of your tone as you watch him shrug his shoulders nonchalantly.

“You know, now that I’m here…” he says, already smirking as he watches you fight the urge to roll your eyes. “It feels like a much better idea for you to come sit on my lap.”

Even though you find yourself enticed by the invitation, in a small, distant part of your brain, it feels like you’ve been manipulated into letting him come to your room. That watching a movie had always been a lie to get you to have sex with him.

But something has changed inside of you, and from what, you can’t pinpoint. All you know is that the accumulations of lies and divertive tactics that you’ve endured from Leehan thus far has left you almost numb to his provocations. 

Instead of feeling sad or shitty or upset, you just feel nothing. 

And somehow, that change feels more concerning to you than the emotions from before did.

Still, you find yourself stalking silently to Leehan on the couch, his eyes never leaving yours as you make your way towards him. His legs spread naturally as you get between them, and it’s with a jaguar-like slowness that you crawl over his body until you’re straddling him. 

Intensity rolls off of the both of your bodies like water, the silence and shared eye contact only contributing to the growing sexual desire that builds between the two of you.

In contrast to such lust, it’s in a gesture of affection that you lean in to lay a gentle, barely-there kiss against all of the wounds on his face. The cut on his cheek. His busted bottom lip. The knot forming on the top of his head. The bruise on the side of his jaw. You do it almost in apology but also because you want him to tease him, giving him only fleeting touches and kisses before you do anything substantial. He flinches at first at the contact but eventually relaxes into the softness of your lips against him. 

And though you couldn’t articulate the reason why, you get the feeling that he flinches less out of pain, but more in surprise at the unfamiliar gesture of tenderness and how it impacts him. 

You’ve only just reached his neck, sucking hickies into the pale skin there, when you can feel his cock hardening underneath you.

It’s after you’ve kissed every single piece of skin uncovered by his shirt that you decide to relieve a bit of his suffering by reaching a hand down into the waistband of his pants. All you do is close your fist around his shaft and stroke him languidly, but you suppose your teasing worked better than you thought as he whimpers at the simplest of movements. He bucks into your hand, not afraid of seeming desperate and shamelessly moaning at your touch. 

Watching him writhe and shudder beneath you, sensitive in a way you’ve never seen before, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that this is one of the few times that you’ve felt even a semblance of control in your interactions during sex. It’s always been you on the receiving end of his endless repertoire of tactics, designed always to render you incomprehensible and under the thumb of his persuasion.

Spurred on by the observation, you take advantage of his submission to ask a question that’s been on your mind since you left the hospital. 

“Can I ask you something? Why did you ask Jaehyun who I was with?”

You can just barely make out the expression of surprise that appears faintly behind Leehan’s glassy eyes, and in a tactic that even you admit is slightly contemptible, you never stop the movements of your hand as you await his answer. 

Desperate for even a moment’s worth of vulnerability from him, you hope that by literally dangling his climax in your hands that he’ll be more inclined to be truthful with you.

But for Leehan, giving you the honest answer — that he’s simply a jealous person who can’t stand seeing you with someone else even though it’s hypocritical — would only serve in making you think that his jealousy is a sign of caring, his caring a sign of affection, his affection a sign that he wants to be your boyfriend. 

And though that assessment isn’t as easy to refute as it may have once been when he first met you, it seems idiotic to put any ideas in your head that could lead to him having to admit feelings he isn’t quite sure of yet. 

So, in lieu of the truth, he replies with something that, honestly, should be a bigger concern for him than it presently is: “Because you should tell me if you’re being intimate with someone else. What if you’re not using protection and I catch something?” 

Up until now, you had prepared yourself to react calmly to whatever Leehan’s answer would be, a task you knew would be difficult because the idea of him being jealous at all is in itself insane and backwards.

It was he who insisted that this dynamic be free of any constraints or limitations. 

But the fact that he’s implying you would have sex with someone else and be so reckless as to not make any precautions for your health has your composure breaking, a scoff leaving you as you blurt out, “Have you been honest with me about the people you’re seeing?”

It’s a question you already know the answer to as you still haven’t forgotten the night of the Halloween party, how Jaehyun let it slip that Leehan had been on a date. You’d never confronted him about it because, deep down, you felt that you had no right to. 

But now, he’s placing judgment on you in a way that makes you want to throw all caution to the wind and express your true emotions to him for what seems like the first time.

Hearing the knowing tone in your question has Leehan worried, tilting his head to stare at you as if he’s just now seeing you for the first time. “Are you trying to catch me in a lie, Y/N?” he asks, amusement in his tone though you can tell your questioning rattles him. “I’ve never told you anything that wasn’t true.”

But that’s just because you’ve never told me anything of substance, you think to yourself, reflecting back on all of the times he left your room in a hurry so that he could avoid having to show you anything real.

You continue jerking him off intently, and even though he’s obviously enjoying it, you can tell that you’ve thrown him off. During sex you’ve always maintained this sort of scathing, playful banter, but this time, he knows that your question is motivated by a genuine desire to hear the truth from him. It makes him beyond uncomfortable, especially with his dick still hard and aching in your moving hand. In a sudden change of dynamics, it’s him trying to read what you’re thinking.

Seeing this crack in Leehan’s usually guarded persona spurs you on into saying even more things that you’ve been suppressing. “I know that you’re seeing someone else,” you assert, honesty you never thought you’d be capable of expressing coming out boldly and without ambivalence. “Jaehyun told me, the night of the Halloween party.”

Your eyes are glued to Leehan’s face as you scan for the smallest fluctuation in his expression, searching desperately for any indication of what he’s thinking. And in yet another gesture that might as well be a verbal admission of guilt, Leehan stares up at the ceiling to avoid your gaze. 

Leehan – confident, cool, teasing Leehan – who has always made you feel like you were scared of intimacy for not wanting to make eye contact with him during sex, is now the one shying away the intensity of your gaze. 

The feeling of triumph that comes with finally feeling like you have him at your mercy after months of the opposite has you speeding up the movements of your hand, watching as he almost winces from the overstimulation you provide. 

But more than anything else, you want answers. 

You want to know why he thinks it’s okay to police who else you invite into your bedroom when he clearly does whatever he wants without any regard for you. 

You want him to decisively and plainly decide if he’s either a sadistic asshole who believes that he should be able to treat you like shit while he goes out and fucks whoever he wants—Or if, like you, the passion of this relationship has overwhelmed him so much that he now finds himself feeling things for you that are beyond sexual, things that have caused him to abhor the notion of you being with someone other than him.

It feels like you need the answer to that question more than you need air.

And so, it’s in desperation that your voice comes out shaky as you demand, “Say something.” 

“I can’t,” he manages through gritted teeth, the sound of his voice coming out raspy and submissive making your cunt pulse with arousal. “You’re about to make me come.”

Feeling like he’s being backed into a corner, Leehan wants to tell you to stop, but the euphoria he’s experiencing is too great. He’s never seen you be so assertive, so purposeful in doing things that you know will make him go crazy. 

Rubbing your thumb over his tip. Spitting downward so that the wetness of your spit can reach his cock. Stroking him wildly and meeting his thrusts into your fist. 

Pressure builds in his abdomen until he feels himself about to explode with what might be the most intense climax of his life. 

But in a move that shocks the both of you, it’s just as Leehan is about to finish all over your hand that you abruptly pull off of him. 

Stop the movements of your hand and watch brazenly as the realization of what you just did is processed on his face.

Maybe he thought that you were joking and that this was all just some aggressive manner of foreplay. 

But now, he can see in your shocked expression, how you look so surprised at even your own insistence, that to deny him of his pleasure in this way was something that took a lot out of you. 

It’s been a hallmark of your relationship so far for you to devote yourself to his satisfaction. You’ve always cared so much about being wanted by him, even after he’s shown his disregard for you time and time again.

And so to see you work up the courage to defy him in this way makes it clear to him that you’re not gonna drop this.

This isn’t something that he can smile or flirt his way out of in the hopes of having you wrapped around his finger for just one more day.

You’re gonna force this into being an issue. And fine; if you want to have this conversation, he’ll have it.

Even if it means that by the end of this you'll realize how shitty of a person he is and want nothing to do with him afterward.

If you were still the same pliant, conflict-avoiding Y/N, you’d be alarmed at the change in his expression and how his usual amused smirk melts into a straight-lined frown. You’d transform into the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed girl who’d laugh and pretend that this was all just a way to rile him up into fucking you, hoping that you could forget this moment ever happened.

But it feels like something has been lost in your dynamic that can never be brought back. You’re no longer okay with being lied to, manipulated. And Leehan, realizing how serious you are, seeks to take back control of this situation by flipping your bodies over so that you’re on your back and he’s on top of you. 

He pins your arms above your head, holding them down so you can’t move. 

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.”

He says the statement with a warning sort of tone but it only makes you laugh, no longer able to take his provocations and vague answers seriously. “Then don’t try to act hypocritical and treat me like I’m a fucking irresponsible idiot,” you retort, no hint of banter in your words as you hope he understands how serious you’re being, how done you are with his lies. “Having sex with guys without protection and not telling them about it. How do I know you haven’t been doing the exact thing you’re accusing me of?”

You ask a valid question that Leehan sees no way to get out of answering. Clearly, you already know (because of his disloyal, talkative fucking roommate) that he’s been seeing at least one girl that isn’t you. And because he can tell with certainty that your pliance is dependent on at least some kind of honesty from him, he tells you a technical truth when he says, “Since I met you, I’ve only been fucking you. No one else. I swear.”

It’s an answer that protects him from having to further delve into whether he’s seeing anyone else romantically, an important distinction that he isn’t interested in clarifying for the sake of your continued interest in him.

And as he watches you scan his face, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you seek to find any indication of either sincerity or hypocrisy in his expression, he seizes the opportunity provided by your momentary lapse in questioning to reach past the waistband of your leggings, sticking two fingers into your pulsing cunt. 

He watches with satisfaction as even in your bitterness, you still can’t help the way your back arches and your mouth parts naturally at the action. Mirroring your tactics from before, he gives you great satisfaction in exchange for your hopeful compliance. Thrusting his long fingers inside of you, he mumbles in sensual truth, “Your pretty, wet pussy is the only thing that’s been occupying my brain for the last three months.”

The part of your brain that would question the credibility of his words is turned off like a lightswitch as the thrill from his fingers takes over. As much as you try to fight off what you’re experiencing so that you can regain the upper hand, it feels like it’s almost in revenge that he fingers you with such vigor that you can’t speak. 

“Can you say the same? Huh, pretty?” he demands, digits angled just right so that the tips of his fingers repeatedly push against your most sensitive parts. “Tell me I’m the only person whose been fucking orgasms into your cunt.”

You could usually appreciate such possessive sentiments from Leehan when they were spoken in moments where there wasn’t any lingering resentment between the two of you. Now, they only annoy you, causing you to petulantly reply in mocking of his earlier words, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.”

And in a move that is surely in imitation of your earlier actions, he pulls his fingers out of you completely and with them, your orgasm. His expression is a handsome mixture of annoyance and frustration. 

It feels like the two of you are in some sort of scornful, unspoken competition, you trying to get him to be honest and him trying to get you to drop this entirely. And all of this undercut by the fact that both really wanna fuck each other, only adding to the frustration of your pleasure being taken away. 

Though your body reels regretfully from the sudden drop in adrenaline, it’s with an unmoved expression on your face that you sit up, making yourself level with him. 

“What?” you retort derisively, amused to find him upset at tactics you only know because he modeled them for you so many times before. “Does it make you mad?”

“No,” he answers, a fierce expression on his face that lets you know despite the desire radiating between the two of you that he’s being serious when he says, “It makes me question the type of person you are.”

And as you poke his chest assertively, you reply, “A person abiding by the standards that you set,” reminding him once more how he lacks the right to feel entitled to your body. 

You again question why he continues to insist that a no-strings attached arrangement is what he wants when it’s clear he doesn’t want you with anyone else.

And so, it’s in your confusion that you ask, “I’m giving you exactly what you want. So why does it feel like you’re punishing me?”

“This isn’t what I want,” he says in reply. And the way that he says it almost quietly, like a stream-of-consciousness that was accidentally blurted out loud, has you inclined to believe that maybe, he’s finally coming around to seeing just how poorly suited this arrangement is for the both of you.

So, it’s with a curious tilt to your voice that you ask, “Then what do you want?”

Looking at you with a sort of urgent, unyielding expression on his face, it’s after a moment of intense and searing silence between the two of you that he leans in to kiss you roughly. What was once a moment of willful competition between the two of you now becomes intense and panicked as the passion of the last few moments takes over your bodies. 

Your hands move in a frenzy as you rush to take off one another’s clothes, and you get the feeling that had the fabric provided any real obstacle, you both would’ve been willing to rip each other’s pants and tops off. Actualizing your desire for one another becomes the most important and serious task to have ever been endeavored upon.

You’ve only just removed your final article of clothing when Leehan crawls between your legs, finding you soaked and pulsing in anticipation of his touch. Noticing this, he can feel himself going crazy with all of the unanswered questions he has about you and Taesan. He finds himself vocalizing these thoughts shamelessly as he mumbles, “Fuck, Y/N. I need you to be honest with me. Because if someone else has had this pussy, I’m gonna go crazy.”

“Make me come, and I’ll give you a straight answer,” you defiantly reply.

Tired of your games, it’s in expression of his growing impatience that Leehan slaps your pussy uncaringly. The act sends a jolt of shock through your body but especially your clit, making you moan in a mixture of both pain and pleasure. 

“I’m serious, Y/N,” he says, and rather than being amused by his insistence like you were before, it's for the first time that you find yourself intimidated, as well as turned on. “Tell me the truth.”

Leehan has always been the leader in your sexual dynamic, but you’d never describe him as rough or dominant until now. Rattled by the change, you aren’t able to manage a reply to his demand, but it’s then that Leehan raises himself up so that your faces are level. 

Making sure to keep his eyes on yours this time, he pushes three fingers inside of your aching cunt — more than you’ve ever taken from him and enough to have your eyes rolling back upon impact.

“Tell me that this pussy is mine,” he demands as he fucks you open with his fingers. You’ve never seen him this fired-up, this crazed, and it has you more turned on and pliant than you think you’ve ever been before. 

His fingers thrust in and out of you with strength you’ve never felt before, and in an amount of time that you find to be pathetic, you can feel your stomach tensing with an approaching climax, moans leaving your mouth with every breath and every curl of his fingers. 

But for the second time tonight, Leehan notices you’re about to come and rips it away from you by withdrawing his fingers entirely. And unlike before, you can’t pretend not to be dismayed as you whimper wistfully at the loss of contact. Leehan, unamused, only stares at you from above and says with finality in his tone, “Tell me the truth, and I’ll make you come.”

You can see now how serious he’s being, how important this is to him, and though you find it entirely irrational, the pulsing of arousal in your body is too strong to ignore. 

“I never fucked him. He never touched me until today.”

“And anyone else besides him?”

“There’s no one else, Leehan,” you assure him, body wracked with the weight of several heavy breaths as you practically beg for him to believe you, to touch you, to relieve the almost painful aching of your cunt. “Just you.”

You’re pleasantly surprised when he doesn't require any additional scrutiny before accepting your answer at face value, muttering an approving “Good girl,” before diving between your legs.

And you guess by the almost hungry, desperate way he then proceeds to eat you out that his easy acceptance of your word is just as much in service to his own desire to taste you as it is to you and your enjoyment. 

Because you find not just in this instance but always that Leehan gives head like his survival is dependent on your arousal. He licks and sucks and mouths at your clit, moaning languidly into your core like it's the best thing he’s ever tasted. 

And as if that’s not enough to have you reeling, he brings his hand out from underneath your thigh and puts two long, crooked fingers back into your dripping hole, thrusting and curling them inside of you like he’s intent on finding the spot that will make you scream. You throw your head back and close your eyes at the feeling that washes over your body, something like electricity pulsing through you and making your legs shake. 

Without intending it, your hips buck against his tongue in chase of your impending orgasm. And when he flattens the wet muscle, allowing you the agency to take your pleasure rather than him having to give it to you, it’s only seconds later when you feel your abdomen contracting with the intensity of your long awaited orgasm. 

You’ve barely recovered from the high of your climax when you hear Leehan saying tauntingly from above you, “See? No one else can do that as good as I can.” He then spreads your legs apart, admiring the mess he’s made of you, slick turning your inner thighs shiny and wet. ”Don’t you know now why you shouldn’t fuck anyone else?

Refusing him the satisfaction of an answer, your only response is to sit up and tell him, “Lay down. I wanna ride you.

Leehan’s only show of resistance to this request is a raise of his eyebrow, but he’s otherwise pliant as you maneuver on the couch so that he’s flat on his back. You hover just below his hard-as-a-rock erection, realizing you should go and get a condom, but it feels like an ultimate test of both your honesty that you assertively inform him, “I’m on birth control.”

Understanding what you mean to imply with this admission, you watch as Leehan’s eyes gloss over, another wave of lust taking over at the notion of having raw sex. In a distant part of your brain that isn’t completely corrupted by wanting, you wonder if this is a good idea given that you have no way of proving whether he’s been honest about his sexual history with other girls.

But as you unconsciously scoot closer and allow his cock to brush against your folds, his encouragement of “Then sit on it,” ringing pleasantly in your ears, the only thing that delays you is your desire to further tauny him. 

“Look at me,” you command passionately, holding on just barely to your own composure as you fight to get these words out amidst your own lust-corrupted brain. “If you stop, I stop. I want you to look in my eyes when I make you come.”

Leehan, either ignorant to how serious you’re being or uncaring, whimpers out your name in lieu of any indication that he understands and accepts what you’re saying. You sink down on him anyway and allow the feeling of being filled to the brim by his long, veiny cock to wipe out any and all thoughts out of your mind. 

“Oh my god, fuck,” he mumbles out in expression of how good it feels, after you’ve only just began bouncing your body up and down his cock. You bear witness to the moment when the embrace of your tight walls becomes too much for him and he throws his head back, disregarding your words from earlier. 

And although it hurts you to do so, makes your thighs burn and your lips part to let out a regretful whimper, you pull yourself upwards until his cock slips out of you completely.

“Open your eyes,” you demand assertively, not just for his sake but for your own, so that you can go back to riding the life out of him until you both can come. “Show me why you deserve this. Remind me why I keep letting you fuck me.”

The scathing remark and the brazen expression you wear as you say it causes Leehan to regain his focus, returning his gaze to yours and making sure to maintain it even as your reinsertion of his cock has him fighting not to shut his eyes closed. It’s with a feeling of regretful foreboding that Leehan realizes this is probably going to end way too soon, that the sickening combination of you riding him, your dominant and sultry words, the view of your body from above him, and the intense unbroken eye contact all work in service to his quickly approaching climax. 

And even as you too feel yourself inching closer and closer to the point of incomprehensible return, you keep talking, feelings that you’ve been suppressing for too long coming out in sultry, brokenly-spoken expressions. “I want you to savor this moment. Memorize how it feels to be inside of me,” you tell him, and then, leaning down to bite the tip of his ear, you whimper, “Fuck Leehan. You’re so big.”

Your purposeful usage of all the things you know for a fact rile him up the most is not lost on him, and it’s almost like you want him to come as quickly and embarrassingly as possible. He lingers on that thought for less than a few seconds, but even just the fleeting idea of spilling his seed inside of you has his brain entering a whole nother level of depraved and uncontrolled, until he’s muttering out the word “Fuck,” in repeated succession and thrusting up into you wildly. “Gonna come,” he announces only seconds later.

“I know you are, baby. And when you do, remember that I can only make you feel this good,” you reply, surprised at your own ability to sound assured and in control in the midst of your own fast-approaching orgasm. But in a way, it feels like you grow more confident the more you watch his verbal and motor skills deteriorate with every bounce and squeeze of your pussy against his cock. 

Making grunting sounds as his thrusts become sloppy and uncontrolled, he replies through gritted teeth, “I know. You’re my favorite girl, Y/N.”

You’ve always hated that term because of the implication it makes that there are other girls with whom he's comparing you to. But as you commit to fighting off all of the weak, vulnerable, sad emotions that have now only rendered you numb, it’s in another show of control that you reply, “Then say it. Tell me how good I’m making you feel.”

At first, you aren’t sure if Leehan can even manage a reply as you watch him grow focused and intent on his approaching orgasm. But it’s through a mixture of muffled grunts and whines, his hips never ceasing their thrusts into you, that he begins to speak.

“Your pussy was made for me. It’s all I ever think about. The sex we have – nghh – it’s the best I’ve ever had,” he tells you emphatically. 

And the brokenness of his words, the way they come out rushed and passionate as if a suppressed part of him needs you to hear them, has you feeling profoundly impacted by the weight of them. 

“You make me crazy, Y/N. I don’t want anyone else. Only you—” 

It’s with one final rough, definitive thrust that Leehan comes inside of you. You’re overcome by the feeling of his hot, warm cum filling your walls, pussy clenching around him as you too experience another orgasm. And as you both recover from your highs, you can feel the atmosphere becoming almost instantaneously stuffy and awkward, the realization of what just happened and all of the things you allowed to come out in the heat of the moment hitting you all at once.

Wanting nothing more than to be released from the clutches of this regretful moment, you pull yourself off of him and wince at the feeling of his cum dripping out of you and onto your inner thighs, some of it spilling onto the couch. 

And without ceremony, Leehan does what he does best – he gathers his clothes and things and begins to put them on as if nothing happened.

The silence that overcomes the two of you as you sit naked and uncovered on the opposite couch, watching him change, is unlike either of you. You’d usually at the very least manage  a few words about how good that was, or small talk about anything fun happening soon on campus. Had Leehan been any good with silence, he might’ve just walked out and not said anything to you at all. 

But it’s because of his own manipulative and egotistical desire to continue to remain in your good graces that he says, in desperation to ease the tension, “Hey. By the way, I’m sorry about the picture I sent you. I don’t usually read your messages, so I didn’t see what you had sent me beforehand.”

You stare at him, a mixture of disbelief and hostility coming over you all at once.

Having completely forgotten about the dick picture incident until now, you feel the emotions from then coming back up in a way that feels shocking given the relative inoffensiveness of his apology just now.

It’s hard for you to pinpoint what exactly about the statement sets you off. 

Maybe it’s that you just had the most intimate, soul-baring sex, and now he’s basically back to reminding you of just how little he values you and your personhood. 

How easy it is for him to completely ignore anything you say to him if it has nothing to do with him and his own pleasure.

And with these emotions more than likely reflected on your face, you watch as Leehan — like a startled deer in headlights — makes what are perhaps the quickest efforts he’s ever done to leave your dorm in a hurry.

“I should get back,” he’s replying coldly as he gets up, throwing his jacket over his body so fast that it folds awkwardly along his sides. “But thanks for this.”

This, he says casually. As if his seed isn’t currently wetting the inside of your legs right now.

“But Leehan, the rain—” you insist. Because you can hear thunder rattling your windows outside and you know that to walk home to his apartment is an entirely irrational notion.

“Don’t worry about me,” he tells you, already halfway to your door as he turns around to look at you, something like regret painted all over his passive expression. “We don’t do that for each other, remember?

And it’s with that last parting, ominous statement that you watch Leehan leave your dorm room without another look in your direction. He’s left your room like this — in a hasty blur without a word or an acknowledgement — more times than you can possibly count. 

So why you find yourself overcome with the feeling that this may be the last time you’ll ever see him again, you’re not entirely sure. 

But it’s because of that gnawing, persistent feeling, eating at you like it never has before, that you get up and find a robe to throw over your body so that you can go and find Leehan before it’s too late.

You’re not even sure of what you’re going to say when you find him standing on the outside porch of your building, head down and phone in his hand as he waits for an Uber. All you know is that it’s pouring buckets outside and even with the bit of roofing over your heads, the wind still blows rain onto your bodies, rendering his hair and face wet. 

“Leehan,” you call out, watching as he turns to you and automatically freezes up as he realizes you followed him out here. “Wait. Don’t go.”

It’s at least a little bit understandable why Leehan appears taken-aback by your words and your presence — any other time you’ve had sex, you’ve never once tried to get him to stay behind, even though he could always notice in your expression or quiet intensity that you wanted him to.

So the fact that you’re here telling him not to go, and because of the nature of the sex you just had, it’s like he already knows that you’re planning to pour your heart out to him, and it’s in fear of that that he finds himself saying wearily, “Y/N—”

“No. Let me talk,” you assert before he can finish, a part of you feeling like if you don’t get these words out now, you never will. And so, fueled by the unexplainable feeling that this may be the last chance for you to tell him how you feel, you channel all the confidence you can possible muster and allow all the suppressed emotions from the last three months to spill out without any filter.

“After we have sex, I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay because you like being with me. I want you to fall asleep with me. I want you to see me and treat me like I’m a human being and not some physical object that you use for sex and nothing else,” you exclaim with a self-pitying scoff.

“And I tried being the chill girl who just goes along with things that are casual. But Leehan, you make me feel things that no one ever has, and it’s not just the sex. For the past few months…it’s felt like my life only truly felt worth living if you were noticing me.”

You can plainly tell by Leehan’s stiff body language and overall lack of reaction that this entire spiel is making him uncomfortable. And as discouraging as the reaction is, now that you’ve started, it feels like you can’t stop until he knows everything that he’s put you through to get to this point.

“And maybe I only feel that way because when we fuck, it’s not like some one-night-stand or throwaway shit. It truly feels like I’m baring my soul to you. And I know that it’s not one sided,” you remark with confidence. Because being in bed with Leehan is the only time when you feel like you can truly understand him. It’s when your hearts, minds, and bodies are in sync and you can both be at your most vulnerable with each other.

“But then you leave, just like you’re doing now. And it makes me feel like the most massive piece of shit you can possibly imagine,” you mumble out with a broken, wet laugh.

Coming to the end of your spiel, you let your arms come down to your sides defeatedly, and with one last imploring look to Leehan’s blank and starry eyes, you ask the question that has been haunting you for the better part of three months now. “So what I guess I want to know is…what is it that’s stopping you from going all in with me? Is it that I’m just…not enough for you to want anything more than sex?” you question, insecurities that have been welling up for so long coming out in a way that has your voice sounding broken. “Or are you just too scared of commitment to allow yourself to feel loved?

“Because that’s exactly what I feel for you. And god dammit, Leehan, but I’m almost 80% sure you feel that way for me too.”

When you’re sure that there’s nothing else left to say and that you got everything you wanted to explain out, it’s with a relieving sigh that your body expels the weight of three months’ worth of pain, sadness, and thoughts of worthlessness. 

And because you know it must be a lot to be on the receiving end of the heaviness of those words, it’s not surprising that the next few seconds after you finish speaking are filled by silence. Watching Leehan stare at you intensely, you allow him the time and the grace to process what he’s heard before you jump to assuming the worst of his silence. 

But then, his first words to you hit you like an icy blast of wind. 

“Y/N, you’re a good person. And the time we’ve spent together has been so much fun for me. But this has always been just that for me…fun. Sex,” he says unambivalently, framing the words delicately though it does nothing to prevent them from hitting you like a freight train. “And I’m sorry if I ever did or said anything that gave you an impression otherwise.

“But honestly, Y/N…” he continues, looking away from you and losing the ability to sugarcoat his thoughts as he expresses, “I told you from the forefront what this was. Why did you say yes if it wasn’t what you wanted?”

He asks a valid question that you unfortunately don’t have the answer to. Because honestly, what were you thinking? Looking back at that moment when he first proposed this arrangement, you have to wonder what possessed you to be delusional enough to think that this would possibly end well.

As embarrassing and humiliating it is to admit, it’s the sex. All those times he told you he desired you, how beautiful you were, how much he wanted you, made you feel like maybe he just didn’t know what he wanted. That eventually he’d come around.

“Because I didn’t think that it was that important to you,” you tell him, feeling your confidence shrinking in real time as your voice comes out quiet and whiny. “I thought…I thought you were changing your mind.”

“I don’t think we should keep doing this, Y/N,” he declares in reply, looking down at the ground in embarrassment. “I like you a lot, but I can’t continue on if I know you have the expectation that this is gonna blossom into something more. I’m sorry, but it’s just not.”

And with that last sobering pronouncement, Leehan runs a hand through his hair, an obviously fake chuckle let out of his lips as he seeks to break the awkwardness of this atmosphere. “This really wasn’t how I wanted this to go,” he mumbles out apologetically, and the way that he stands there stiffly lets you know he wants nothing else than to get away from you right now. 

And sure enough, the sound of a notification going off draws both of your attention to his phone. Like a final dagger to your heart and self-esteem, he’s not even able to hide the relief that floods his expression as he announces, “My Uber’s here, so I just…goodbye, Y/N.”

You watch Leehan step off the porch and into the rain, the lack of light and storm clouds rendering him into nothing more but a blurry, gray silhouette. 

It’s how you will more than likely remember Leehan as you watch him enter the white Mazda that pulls into the driveway. 

Watch the car drive off knowing that you will more than likely never see him again.

He will forever be immortalized in your brain as the stormy force of a presence that came into your life like a tornado, wrecking everything around it and exiting like nothing happened, leaving you a splintered mess of a world to clean up for yourself.

You will be just another Natty, someone Leehan offhandedly mentions to his friends in the car with whoever he chooses to be his next victim, someone he spent a good few weeks with only to never mention them again.

“You’re an enigma, Kim Leehan,” you declared with sincerity. “I don’t want to be your girlfriend either. No offense.”

“None taken,” he replied with breezy indifference, bringing his hand to lay over the one you have on his face. “But don’t say that so easily. You don’t know me well enough yet.”

You rolled your eyes at yet another show of cockiness from him. “And are you saying if I did, I would fall for you?”

Even as his expression remained passive, he replied forebodingly, “Isn’t that usually how these things end?”

He was right.

The next two months of not seeing, talking, or hearing from Leehan go by in a gray-ish, incomprehensible blur.

You complete your classes, managing a passing GPA and thankfully holding on to your scholarship.

You go out to lunch and on study dates with your mutual friends, neglecting to explain why you always need to know who else is coming before you agree to going out.

You attend a couple parties and events on campus, wondering each time whether you’ll run into Leehan and not sure if the rigid feeling over your chest is because of hopefulness or fear at the idea of possibly seeing him. 

And as you pack up your things to get ready to move out for the winter, it feels like you should be over this by now. You spent three months together. Tumultuous, but still only three – it doesn’t seem to make sense why you still feel so hurt.

But you’re now learning that situationships are the hardest to comprehend in their aftermath because it’s hard to know what exactly it is that you’re feeling wistful towards. Leehan isn’t your ex, but he’s also not a friend whom you simply grew apart from. 

He’s another third thing that you can’t quite capture, making it difficult for you to reminisce on your exciting yet tainted memories with one another.

It’s with these thoughts running through your mind that you finish packing your last few items of furniture, readying them to be stowed away in the back of a U-Haul you rented for the day. 

And with your dorm now basically empty, your roommate having moved out a few days before, you can’t help but to view it nostalgically from the vantage point of your doorway, memories of this semester’s escapades coming back to you all at once.

The dresser that you let Leehan stash his condoms in.

Your cheap bed whose loose, metal springs always robbed you of any chance at secrecy in your interactions. 

Moving towards your kitchenette, you stare silently at the flowers he gifted you that one day, still alive despite several weeks of neglect. The little cardboard fish he stuck between the petals makes it appear almost like they’re swimming among colorful, sagging coral reefs.

Your eyes flit over to your couch, where you didn’t know at the time would be the last place he fucked you before he’d never talk to you again.

Going over these memories in your mind, it makes sense then why when you hear a knock resounding on your door, the first thing you think of is Leehan.

But surely, you’re just caught up in the emotions caused by the sudden moment of reflection; it has to be an RA, or a neighbor about to ask if they can borrow a broom and dustpan.

When you go to open your door, you don’t consider for a second that on the other end could be the one person you’re not prepared to see right now.

So when it swings open and you’re greeted by a straight-faced, wide-eyed Leehan, whose body is relaxed against the side of your door, it feels like all of the air is knocked out of your body.

“Hi,” he says plainly, straightening his posture when he sees you staring at him staggeringly. To say that you feel conflicted as you take in his handsome, tall form would be beyond an understatement. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long since you’ve seen each other, and it’s almost like he could tell you right now that he’s here because he wants to fuck you and it would feel normal, like nothing has changed between the two of you.

But even in just making that mental observation, you feel angry and resentful that such a dynamic was normalized among the two of you for so long that you convinced yourself it was okay to be treated that way.

And as you stew in those feelings of renewed bitterness and frustration, you find yourself suddenly and strongly opposed to him being here, asking bluntly, “What is this? Why are you here?”

“I’m here to apologize,” he answers with an imploring look, and habitually you study his expressions in the hopes of discerning whether he’s being sincere or not.

But it’s with a feeling of resignation that you realize how done you are with trying to constantly read his mind and understand what motivates his decisions.

Because the same way there’s a chance that he really did show up here with good intentions, there’s just as equal a chance that he wants you to trust him again so that he can get his dick wet.

And so, in a move that brings you an immature level of satisfaction, you close the door on his face without another word.

You hear him exclaiming loudly “Y/N, wait!” on the other side of the door but you’ve already made up your mind, deciding that whatever he has to say isn’t worthy of your time or attention.

You’re done with his manipulative behavior, with his aloofness and undeserved self-assuredness, but most of all you’re tired of being made to feel like shit. And that’s all he ever did in those few months that you were sleeping together.

As you retreat to your bedroom, you go to return to packing your things, but the adrenaline from the passing moment makes your hand shake and your body pulse energetically. You need a second to pause and breathe and process what’s just happened, to walk around and pace away all of this unresolved energy. 

But then you turn around to go back out into your living room, and that’s when you see Leehan standing right outside the arch of your bedroom doorway.

“Jesus fucking christ, Leehan!” you exclaim in a mixture of both surprise, frustration, and confusion as you wonder whether he broke in or if you—

“You left the door unlocked,” he replies calmly, and even though he knows he has a lot to make up for, he still can’t help the smirk that comes to his face as he jokes, “Kinda 101 not to do that if you don’t want someone coming in. That’s like me leaving the filter of my fish tank —”

“Get out, Leehan. Get out! I have nothing left I want to say to you!” you shout, impatient and uncaring to his jokes and his dimples and everything else about him that used to charm you. It’s all meaningless to you now, and you don’t care if you look crazy or unhinged when you go to physically push him out of your dorm.

But even with the nonchalant, noncommittal way he holds onto your wrist to restrain you, you still only manage to move him a few steps, much to your dismay and rage.

And so, in a heat-of-the-moment, emotionally driven decision, you move to close your bedroom door on his face. While successful in keeping him out of your bedroom, you don’t even realize until seconds later that he’s still free to roam in your hallway, kitchenette, and living room, while you’ve essentially just locked yourself in.

Predictably, you can hear Leehan chuckling outside of your door as he makes this same realization.

“You know, if it was your goal to get me to leave, then I’m not sure locking yourself in your room really…” he begins to say, not able to keep the amusement out of his voice at the foolish mistake on your part. But, remembering the reason why he came here in the first place, he tones it down to say soberly, “Nevermind. It doesn't matter.”

You walk over to the side of your bedroom that’s opposite from the doorway, sitting down on the floor, determined to tune out whatever it is that Leehan is about to say. Maybe if you stay silent and let him tire himself out, he’ll eventually leave knowing that there’s nothing he can say to make up for how he’s made you feel.

“I”m not super good at explaining myself, or talking at all, honestly. I go on tangents and my mind is just…a giant fucking minefield. So I wrote down what I wanted to tell you.”

Leehan’s voice is distorted but nonetheless able to be heard clearly through the thin wood that makes up your door, so much so that you can clearly hear the crumpling noises of a paper being unraveled as he starts to read. 

“If you’re listening to me read this, it’s because I somehow managed to convince you to hear me out. Either that, or I broke into your dorm, which feels like the more likely option,” he says with almost no emotion behind the words, and against your own discipline, you can feel your lips twitching into a smirk automatically in reaction to his strange, off putting way of speaking.

“I know my insistence can come off as crass given how shitty of a person I’ve been to you. But I knew that today was move-out day, and I needed you to hear me out before you left.”

You hear him take a deep breath before continuing with the next part of his speech. “As you know, I’m a pretty fearless person. But when it comes to admitting my feelings for you, I’ve had a much harder time. Truthfully, since I met you, it’s been because of my own immaturity that I’ve seen other girls romantically. Even though I always knew my feelings for you were different, I pushed them away in the hopes of avoiding having to commit to anyone. When you told me how you really felt for me, truthfully, it scared me. I didn’t want to know what my life would look like if I decided to be with just one person.

“I thought that by rejecting you, by being away from you for this long, that my feelings for you would go away,” he remarks with the same sort of unfeeling, neutral tone to his voice, as if he knows the explanation behind his actions is unimportant given how they’ve impacted you. “I wanted to view you as just another name on a long list.”

But it’s with his next words that passion and sincerity and longing bleed into his voice all at once to say, “But it’s taken me this time of being away from you to realize that…I’m still not over you.”

After minutes of hanging onto his every word despite every inclination that has been telling you to do otherwise, it’s those last five words that hit you like a freight train. 

And you know it’s foolish and dumb to be believing anything that comes out of his mouth anymore, but you suppose it’s no different from all of the other times you continued to let him in even when he showed you so many times why you shouldn’t. 

Your reasoning remains the same – you just feel an irrational pull to him that is all-consuming, your heart connected to his in a way you can’t control. 

And it doesn’t help that everything he says next is all of the affirmation you’ve been wanting and needing him to give you throughout your entire time of sleeping together. “You deserve someone that’s going to treat you with respect. Someone that makes you feel loved and beautiful and desired. Someone with the courage to be vulnerable and who will care for you in your most vulnerable moments. And I’m sorry if you felt like you didn’t have that with me,” he remarks, and you don’t even realize you’ve been holding your breath throughout his spiel until your chest literally contracts from the lack of air to your lungs.

“But if you can find some way to forgive me, then I want to make us work,” he asserts pleadingly. And with the finality that it feels like follows that statement, you get the feeling that what he says next is no longer being read off the paper. 

Especially when you can hear what you think is the top of his head, leaned against the door with a small thunk as he quietly laments, “I want you, Y/N. Not just sexually, but for everything that makes you who you are. It’s always been you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.” 

It’s quiet after that, so much so that you can hear his small and broken breaths being let out against the wall. You hear what you think is the sound of his hand being brought up to rest next to his head. And as the feeling of being pulled in so many directions takes over you, your heart in a heated battle with your brain, it’s after a few moments of silence that you stand up and walk over towards the door. 

Leehan, observing the shadows of your footsteps through the little gap at the bottom of the door, perks up when it’s just a thin barrier of wood that keeps you from being face-to-face with one another.

You prepare yourself to be annoyed when you open the door in expectation that he will be his usual unreadable, unserious self. 

But it’s in surprise but also a little relief that what you find when you face him is the expression of a man who’s truly understood the gravity of his mistakes and feels shameful over them.

“You look really pretty,” he blurts out, the suddenness of the remark almost betraying your slowly but surely growing feelings of understanding towards him. But you also can’t help that his random candor makes you laugh, reminded of some of your earlier interactions as he sheepishly says, “Sorry, bad timing.”

Still standing a fair distance away from him, the tip of your toes just barely meeting the tip of his as you look down at them to avoid eye contact, you attempt to ease the tension of the moment with a shy but truthful, “Thank you, Leehan. For the compliment and for the apology.”

You can feel the heat of his gaze as he tilts his head to stare at you, his attention feeling hopeful but not in a way that makes you feel pressured, but in a way that has you compelled to be completely vulnerable and honest with him.

“I’m just…really scared that you’ll hurt me,” you confess somberly, and it still feels strange to even say things like this to him because you’ve spent so much time suppressing your negative emotions when it comes to Leehan. Scared that you’d lose his approval and feeling like you needed such approval to feel good about yourself.

But over time as your relationship progressed and you found yourself little by little regaining the sense of self that your interactions with Leehan robbed you of, you were able to realize that you didn’t deserve to be treated like an afterthought, like an object only useful if it was giving satisfaction to someone else.

And it was in resentment that over these two months of not speaking you felt like Leehan believed that, too.

But now after hearing him explain himself and believing genuinely that he wants to be with you, you now battle with the parts of you that are scared to believe him in fear of getting hurt and the parts of you that so badly also want to be in a relationship with him.

“I’m not scared,” he tells you, the confidence you’ve come to know him for coming out more strongly than ever before. “I’ve got you, remember?”

He then goes to place his two middle fingers underneath your chin, pushing your jaw upward so that you’re forced into eye contact. Staring into his endless and piercing eyes, it’s for the first time that you feel like you understand him in a non-sexual context. “Is that supposed to mean something to me?” you mumble quietly in reply.

And it’s as you feel your lips twitching into a content smile that Leehan leans in to kiss you, and you accept the gesture without question.

five months later

“I wanna go half on a baby with you.”

These are the words that Leehan remarks to your sleeping form as you lay comfortably beside him in bed, sleeping but getting roused into attention by the faint sound of his voice.

“A fish baby, of course,” he clarifies, though you don’t even register what he’s saying as you remain half-asleep. “I think the ones in my tank are getting lonely.”

It’s hard to tell sometimes whether Leehan is musing out loud to himself or talking directly to you, but either way, the deep tone of his voice wakes you up just the same. 

You lay on your stomach, opening one eye to find him sitting up on his elbow and staring down at you with a curious expression on his face. His hand, resting on your back, draws unintelligible figures on the skin that’s left uncovered by your night shirt. 

All in all, it's a pretty domestic, intimate scene, had you not glanced over at your phone to find how early it was.

“Leehan, it’s seven a.m,” you complain to your boyfriend who still just stares dreamily at your sleepy figure. “What are you yapping about?”

Too familiar with your morning grumpiness to be phased by it, it’s with an unmoved expression that Leehan casually replies, “Just about how much I want a baby with you.”

When you hear those words come out of Leehan’s mouth, you’re sure you must still be asleep and that this is just an incredibly vivid dream. Either that, or you’re dating the strangest person in the world. 

Given that both realities are entirely plausible, it’s in your tiredness and confusion that you sit up from the bed completely, staring at a relaxed Leehan with raised eyebrows. “Don’t you think we’re a little young for that? I mean eventually, sure, but while we’re in school—”

“I was talking about fish,” he interrupts you to say, chuckling at your confused expression and giggling again when you pout at being laughed at. “But since you’re so eager, why don’t I put a baby in you right now?”

Your own laughter in reaction to his words is suppressed when he presses a large hand on your stomach, pushing you back down on the bed. He leans in to kiss you, but per usual, you refuse to make things easy for him.

Reaching behind your head, you grab a pillow and smack him in the face with it, creating a barrier between your bodies. “You’re such a weirdo,” you playfully quip, a designation he only takes in stride as he goes to throw the pillow somewhere on the floor.

“I’m your weirdo though,” he emphasizes, and it’s as you’re both smiling in satisfaction that he leans in to press his lips against yours.

And as his cold hands roam your warm body, you’re hit with a sudden wave of happiness as you acknowledge how far gone the days of having to wish for him to stay even fir minutes after you’ve had sex truly are. 

Because in the past five months since you’ve gotten together exclusively, not only is it routine for him to stay behind, but you also get to wake up together and experience these sleepy, romantic moments. 

The moments when he slowly kisses down your body, dragging his plush lips down your sternum until he’s positioned between your legs.

The moments when you pull softly at his hair as he languidly drags his tongue up and down your folds, begging you in his gruff, sleep-affected voice to come all over his face.

The moments when you could be sponning sideways, on top of him, or below him and he’ll still find a way to spread your legs apart, pressing his long, veiny cock inside of you until you’re overwhelmed by how full you are. 

The moments where his tiredness renders him impatient and he fucks into you so roughly that you can barely form words. 

The moments when he kisses you lazily through every thrust until the sex becomes so good that all you can manage is the occasional swipe of your tongue against his lips or a whimper into his mouth.

The moments when you reach your climax together and he rocks his come in and out of you like he never intends on pulling out.

The moment when you moan out his name, understanding why when you first met he insisted that to know it was a privilege. That to know him is a privilege.

And finally, your favorite, the moments when you either fall back asleep in each other’s hold or get up to shower the sleepiness and sweat off of each other. 

Today is one of those days that you relent to getting up and showering, convinced only by the fact that neither of you has a morning class, making it a perfect day to visit the pet shop conveniently located just a few miles from your college town.

“What about this one?” 

You turn to face Leehan in the fish tank lined aisle of the pet store, lips curling into a smile as you observe him pressing his face up to the glass in awe. As you come up to his side to view the brown-colored fish that have him so captivated, it’s in a surge of honesty that you reply, “Don’t you think they’re kind of…ugly?”

You fight the urge to roll your eyes as you watch your boyfriend gasps dramatically in reaction to your words, even brushing his hand against the fish tank in a gesture akin to patting someone's head. “They can hear you, you know. I’m so sorry, fishies.”

Ignoring his childishness, you look around at the surrounding fish and sigh as you’re overwhelmed by all the different options. “Honestly, Leehan, you should just pick one. They all look the same to me.”

“But it should be something we both like,” he answers with a pout, circling the aisles a few more times before finally stopping at a tank in the very corner. 

Inside of it are an array of multi-colored fish, but the one that stands out to you is an entirely white one with a patch of vibrant red at the top of its head. 

It would be indistinguishable from a goldfish had it not been for its striking color and the appendage that looks almost like an inside-out brain on its head. 

A label beside the tank reads Oranda. 

“What about this one?” asks Leehan in curiosity, and in an almost alarming way, he points out the exact same fish you were just eyeing. 

You come around to the other side of the tank to view it from another angle, giggling innocently when you make eye-contact with Leehan through the distorted lens of the water. “It’s pretty,” you remark simply, and because Leehan has come to know you so well, he knows that the simple attribution is a sign of high praise from you.

“Should we make it ours?” he asks you officially, and though you’re certain that this is the fish you’ve been looking for, there’s one question popping up in your brain that you still can’t find the answer to.

“What should we name it?”

You both take a beat to ponder on the question. Leehan chimes in first, blurting out, “I know. Loony.”

At this, you scoff, unsure as to where he would have gotten such an idea from. “Are you trying to say that our child is crazy?” you quip in feigned offense. 

“No. It’s short for lunar eclipse. That’s when I knew we were gonna be more than just a one night stand,” he tells you sincerely, and with that context you find yourself becoming quickly attached to both the name and the fish who you take home in a plastic bag only moments later.

You allow Leehan to take the lead in homing Loony, a process that involves lots of complicated jargon about adjusting the water temperature and changing the salinity that you mostly pretend to understand as he explains it to you. 

And when you are finally able to sit side by side in front of the tank and watch through the glass as Loony swims among the other fish, it’s with an adoring tone of voice that you hear Leehan say, “It’s pretty, awesome, right?”

At the sound of his voice, you turn to face him, and without being entirely conscious of it, you simply take in his features and how content he looks to be here, with you and with these fishes.

“Yeah,” you reply, laying down and resting your head on his shoulder. “It’s awesome.”

taglist: @lailols @papichulomacy @0310s @softiwoon @gardenforwon @cherrytaesan @mryuyux @saintriots @lonelylandofan @cyber-tiny @keyywrld @isabellah29 @amerecerasus @cadidupped @suhovhs @lionhanie @taesanmoon @revelettre @s9nwoo @brachioswrld @moneygal0re @karatttttt

thank you all sm for your support on this fic <3 your reactions, feedback, and compliments have meant the world

[littlespoonevan]

i'll keep it all to myself

7x04 coda (she's back, baby xoxo)

-

“Hey, killer.”

Buck winces, mouth already tripping over an apology as he moves into the Diaz living room. “Eddie, I’m so sorry-“

“Buck, I’m kidding,” Eddie interrupts, exasperated and just a little fond. He hasn’t been on the receiving end of that tone in a few days. It’s embarrassing to say he missed it. “Sit down.”

Buck takes the armchair instead of sitting on the couch next to Eddie. He’s not sure why. He never sits in the armchair. Sitting in it now he almost feels…off balance. But then catching sight of Eddie’s foot propped up on the coffee table sobers him immediately and he forgets all about the strange discomfort in his stomach.

Reaching for the cushion behind him, he gets up again. “You should have something under that,” he says, gently lifting Eddie’s leg to place the cushion on the table. He lowers it again carefully, nodding in satisfaction when Eddie’s foot is nestled safely in the cushion. “The table is too hard.”

“Oh sorry, I thought I was the one with real medical training,” Eddie quips but there’s no bite behind the words.

“Yeah but I’m the one with crush injury experience,” Buck says, kicking his own legs up on the table in proof.

Eddie opens his mouth as if to argue back but then closes it again, rolling his eyes, but his lips twitch a bit. Just at the corners.

“Eddie, I really am sorry,” he says, straightening in his seat and forcing himself to meet Eddie’s gaze properly. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I just got so-“

“I know,” Eddie replies, quiet and careful and devoid of any of his earlier teasing. “But you know you can talk to me, right? Like, it’s me Buck. You can just tell me when something’s wrong.”

Buck does know that. He knows he can tell Eddie everything. Anything. The bad and the good.

Which means he should be able to clear this up right away, right? He should just be able to say, ‘Hey, I was apparently working through some latent feelings I never knew I had. And I took that out on you. But guess what! I like Tommy and he likes me back and we have a date Saturday!’

But thinking about telling Eddie that Tommy kissed him makes his chest constrict in a way that he doesn’t expect. So he tucks it up in a neat little box in the corner of his mind for now and focuses on making sure Eddie’s okay. Because he can do that. He knows how to do that.

“I’m an idiot,” he says. “And if you want I will totally give you one free punch so we’re even.”

Eddie huffs a quiet laugh. “I could never hit you.”

“Should I go get Christopher’s Legos instead and step on them with my shoes off?”

Eddie lets out a real laugh then, the kind that makes his eyes close and his head fall back against the couch cushion, and Buck feels so much affection for him well up inside him he’s almost breathless with it.

“You’re an idiot,” Eddie tells him. “And a martyr. Seriously, Buck, I don’t care. I just want to make sure you and I are okay.”

“Of course we are,” Buck says, without actually stopping to interrogate if that’s true or not.

They are, he thinks. The fact that something absolutely life altering happened to him an hour ago and he somehow can’t make himself tell Eddie about it is…inconsequential.

He’s just hedging his bets. Not trying to get ahead of himself before he has yet another failed romance.

“In that case, can you go to the fridge and get us some beers?” Eddie asks, pulling Buck back to reality.

“You shouldn’t be drinking,” Buck says, even as he stands. Maybe they can split a beer. Half a bottle shouldn’t hurt. “Tommy says you’re on pain meds.”

“Oh, so you guys talked?”

Eddie says it unassumingly and when Buck freezes at the dining table and looks over his shoulder he finds that Eddie isn’t even looking at him. He’s leaning forward on the couch, adjusting his leg, but when Buck takes too long to answer he raises his head and gives him an expectant look.

“Yeah,” Buck murmurs, the phantom rasp of Tommy’s stubble against his mouth still tingling and making him want to reach up and touch his lips. That would give too much away though. “We talked.”

Eddie smiles, nodding his approval. “Good. Maybe all three of us can actually hang out together now.”

The thought immediately makes Buck’s stomach swoop with something unnameable but he doesn’t let it show on his face.

“Sure,” he breathes. “Sounds great.”

[f1goat]

his teammate + lando norris x part thirteen

In which you find yourself getting closer to your brothers new teammate who's a dick.

lando norris x fem!verstappen (sister) + cursewords + smut

masterlist - playlist

“I really need to get some air,” you say to Lando and Layla, “I uh, I will see you later.”

Before either of them can react you’re already walking away. You almost run through the crowd from the night club to get outside. You need air. Fresh air. You know that you don’t have all the information, but at this moment it’s enough for you. Lando ignored your messages, made no effort to find you tonight and all because he’s talking with an ex. Maybe not an ex girlfriend, but at least some girl he used to fuck regularly. 

When you’re finally outside you’re quick to find a bench on the street. You take place on it and let out a big sigh. In what sort of mess have you gotten yourself? You pull out your phone and notice that it’s filling up with notifications from Lando. Multiple messages are coming in. You already feel drenched, but still you start to read them. 

Lando: babygirl where did you go to?

Lando: she doesn’t mean anything

Lando: tell me where you are so I can explain

Lando: babygirl?

You don’t reply to his messages. You need time to think about everything that happened. What does Lando mean with his text? She doesn’t mean anything. What is that saying? You feel yourself getting panicked. What if Pierre is right? Could it be that Lando is still sleeping around? You don’t want to think about it, you know you should trust Lando and you really try to do so. But he’s making it so hard for you tonight.

You think back about last weeks. He never gave you a reason to distrust him. Not once. Then why are you this quick to run away from him? Maybe it’s because you haven’t talked about everything that happened between him and Maisie yet. You should talk about everything she has said when you spoke her. Lando needs to tell you what’s true and what isn’t. 

When a girl takes a seat next to you on the bench, you don’t even realize it at first. 

“I told Lando that you’d probably rather hear it from me right now,” the girl says suddenly. When you look at her you realize that it’s Layla. Without the people around her and the colored lights from the club, you notice how beautiful she is. “Since it looked bad,” she continues to speak, “and Lando is drunk and will probably make things even worse right now.”

Make things worse? What can he make worse? Your mind shifts to the worst case scenario’s. 

“What do you mean?” You ask Layla.

“Lando wasn’t flirting with me, he didn’t want to take me back to his hotel or anything like that,” she tells you, “and I can promise you that he’s a total different person then when I saw him last time. A year ago.”

“He wasn’t?” You ask.

Layla simply nods. “He was apologizing.”

“Apologizing?” You ask even more confused.

“I know this sounds weird,” Layla tells you with a soft laugh, “but he has gotten it into his head to apologize to every girl he has hurt. Apparently one of his exes showed up in his drivers room and acted all crazy? He’s trying to protect you from that I guess.”

“Promise?” You ask her, “It was really that?”

She simply nods and takes your pink to intertwine it with hers. “Pinky promise,” she says. 

After that you take your time to talk with her. Layla tells you about her and Lando. She had sex with him a couple times - “He didn’t even take his time with me, I never came” - and was around him for a bit of fame now that she was honest about it. Lando always told her that it would be a just sex thing with no strings, which she agreed onto. Last formula one season was the last time she saw him. He didn’t plan to meet her here tonight, but they walked into each other. 

“I swear I didn’t believe him when he told me he was dating somebody,” Layla tells you laughingly, “but then he started to apologize for how he treated me and everything. I haven’t spoken that long with him, but he actually seems like a whole different person.”

You show her a small smile. 

“You did a good job with him,” Layla tells you, “I always knew there was more to him then this player bad boy type. You brought the real him back.”

“He did it himself,” you tell her shyly, “I didn’t do anything.”

“He did it for you,” Layla interrupts you, “I know you didn’t tell him to change and deserve you, but he decided that he wanted you and that he needed the best version of himself to get you. You’re a lucky girl.”

Before you can respond to Layla the boy you’re busy talking about shows up himself. Lando is quietly standing in front of Layla and you. He looks at you. He looks nervous. 

“This is my sign to go,” Layla speaks up while she stands up from the bench, “It was nice meeting you y/n and Lando thanks for the apologies. Everything is forgiven.” With those words she walks away, leaving Lando and you alone.

“I overreacted,” you confess to Lando, “I’m sorry Lan, I shouldn’t have thought like that without asking you first.”

“And I should have reacted to your texts and found you before her,” Lando tells you, he takes a place next to you on the bench. He wraps his arm around your body and pulls you close to himself. “I was so surprised to see her that I forgot about the rest,” Lando adds, “and maybe I should have introduced you different to her.”

“Can you take me back to the hotel?” You ask Lando.

“I can’t drive, but I can fix us a cab,” Lando jokes before pulling out his phone.

+++

The following two weeks are hard on you. Lando is busy with simulator work and apologizing to every girl he can find. That means your Instagram is full with photos from Lando and those girls. Every time you open Instagram some gossip account has posted a new photo from Lando with another girl. You’re constantly reminded of how beautiful the girls all are. They are always influencers with a lot of followers, models or strangers who still look like they should be a model. You trust Lando, but you’re missing your time with him. 

And you’re having a hard time with the fact that it’s still not official between the two of you.

Y/N: when are you back?

Lando: patience babygirl

Lando: I’ll be back in your arms in no time ;)

Y/N: what’s no time?

Lando: depends how tomorrow will go

Y/N: i miss you

Lando: i miss you too

Messages like that are almost getting too familiar to you. Sometimes you wonder if you can actually do this. You thought it would be easier. Sleepless nights are nothing new for you lately, you can already guess that tonight will be another one. Hours you’re spending awake while doubting everything. Is it supposed to be like this when you’re not even officially in a relationship?

You let out a sigh. For the tenth time you turn yourself around in bed. You miss Lando his presence next to you right now. It would be much better if he was laying here with you. He doesn’t even need to say anything, just him being here - next to you - would solve everything right now. You scroll on your Instagram. Of course the first thing you see is a new picture from Lando with a girl. Why did he decide to apologize to everyone? You can’t stand the idea anymore. Mainly because there are so many girls.

Slowly you feel your cheeks getting wet. You didn’t even realize you were crying. A couple tears roll down on your cheeks. Before you know it, you’re sobbing as well. Fuck what a mess. It’s not like there’s anything wrong between you and Lando. There’s no fight or anything like that. You just miss him and you have the feeling you have so much to talk about with him. And all those girls he’s with aren’t helping. You know he means well by apologizing to them, but you’re done with it.

You hear a soft knock on your door. It’s probably Max. He has been worried about you the last days. Of course he knew before you even realized yourself that you weren’t great at the moment. You wipe away some tears and try to look a bit more positive before answering.

“Come in,” you say.

When the door opens you’re taken aback by surprise. It makes you only cry harder. You have no idea if those tears are from happiness or sadness anymore. 

“Babygirl?”

Lando rushes inside your room when he sees your state. He is fast to close the door and kick off his shoes, before he sits down on the bed next to you. Without saying anything he takes you into his arms. Softly he caresses your back. He presses soft kisses against your face. He can taste the saltiness of your tears. It hurts him to find you like this. He expected the opposite. He thought you would be happy when he entered your room after barely seeing each other lately. But it seemed like he only made you cry (harder?). 

“What’s wrong baby?” Lando asks you softly. 

You don’t react at first. You try to, but you can’t get a normal word out. The only sounds leaving your mouth are sobs at the moment. 

“Take your time,” Lando tells you. He presses another kiss against your head. This time at your forehead. He presses you against his chest. 

“We.. we,” you try to say, but again it’s mostly sobs, “we uh, we really need to t.. talk.”

“Talk?” Lando asks you confused. This is something he really didn’t expect. The words sound bad. Why do you really need to talk with him? Is there something wrong? He knows he wasn’t around as much the last two weeks, but he tried to make amends with multiple exes and was busy with simulator work. “About what?” He asks further.

“Everything,” you cry out.

Lando starts to feel nervous. This sounds bad. You try to calm yourself so you can properly tell Lando what’s on your mind. In the mean time you notice Lando his confused - and nervous, looks. Fuck, this isn’t what you wanted.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” you tell Lando honestly, “I missed you like cray and all I see are pictures from you with exes. I know you’re apologizing, but I don’t want to see all those pictures every time.”

“I’m doing this for you babygirl,” Lando states, “What if there’s one who’s crazier then Maisie? What if they will search you out? And it’s helping me to better myself. Otherwise I never deserve you.”

Those words make you cry again. 

“Stop,” you sob, “stop bettering yourself for me.”

Lando looks confused at you. 

“You’re more then enough,” you tell him, “and I need you to realize that.”

“I’m more then enough but when I try to surprise you I find you crying about me,” Lando mutters, “Then I’m doing something wrong. This can’t be more then enough.”

“It’s,” you try to explain yourself but you can’t find the right words. “Fuck,” you mutter, “I don’t know how to explain.”

“Explain what?”

“How I’m feeling,” you sigh. 

“Fuck this is what I meant,” Lando says, he raises his voice a bit. “Look at what I caused,” he continues, “you’re a crying mess because of me.” After saying those words he stands up. He walks away from your bed. “I know what you’re feeling,” Lando sighs, “and you don’t have to say it or explain it. I understand. I’ll leave you alone from now on.”

After hearing those words you’re quick to stand up as well. Before Lando can take another step, you grab his arm. “Stop,” you tell him, “Stay here. I don’t want any of that. I’ll try to explain myself, but please stop thinking so negative about yourself.”

“What do you want?” Lando asks you confused.

“You Lando, I still want you and that won’t change anytime soon. I want to know why we aren’t official yet. I don’t want to miss you as much as I did last weeks. And I really want you to stop fixing things with all those girls. I really can’t stand all those pictures.”

Together you sit down on your bed again. 

“We aren’t official yet because I didn’t dare to ask you before I fixed everything about myself,” Lando confesses, “There are girls who will hate you for being with me because of what I did to them. Every fan will think that I use you. And I can’t offer you everything you deserve, like a nice family in law.”

“I don’t care about all that,” you tell Lando.

“After Max found out about us I asked him permission to make it official,” Lando confesses, “and now I’m doing some sort of shit tour to fix problems from my past. After that I was going to ask you. I have planned it out already.”

“Stop planning it and start doing it,” you state, “I don’t want any grand gesture, I just want you Lan.”

“You want to be my girlfriend?” Lando asks confused, “Even when everyone will have an opinion about us?”

“I thought you didn’t care about opinions,” you say confused.

“I don’t, but I do care about you getting hate reactions because you’re dating me.”

“I don’t care about that,” you sigh.

“I still won’t ask you,” Lando states. You can’t help it and let out another soft sob. “I have planned something great for tomorrow, then I’ll ask you,” Lando continues. 

“Promise?” You ask Lando hopefully.

“Promise.”

The rest of the night you spend in your bed with Lando. The two of you talk about everything that happened lately. Lando told you about all the conversations he had with exes. The one would forgive him on the spot, others would still hate him. You told him multiple times that he could stop with his apology tour. “I’m glad,” he said eventually, “because some of those used me even more then I used them.” You told him about everything that was upsetting you. Finally you talked about everything that happened with Maisie. Lando could confirm to you that almost everything she told you were lies. You’ve told Lando multiple times that he deserves you. Things finally felt alright again. That night you slept like a baby. You were finally back in Lando his arms.

+++

The following day Lando kept his promise. He took you out on an amazing date - in public. The two of you spend some time walking through the streets of Monaco before he took you with him to a luxurious restaurant. It was located on a small boat. You have never eaten that well somewhere. After that you walked back to Lando his apartment, which he transferred into a romantic place. 

There were candles everywhere and he even sprinkled around some rose petals on the floor. There was a giant bouquet of roses waiting for you as well, together with a small teddy bear who was wearing a mini LN4 shirt. The cutest teddy bear you have ever seen. 

Then Lando finally asked you the question you had been waiting for. Of course you didn’t even let him finish and said yes. It’s finally official. The same night he posted multiple pictures from you two on his socials. Captioned with ‘still don't know how I pulled this off, but so fucking glad i did'. It was his first own Instagram post in years.

You have never been happier.

The following race week Lando made sure that everyone who didn’t knew already that you were his would know by now. After finally getting his deserved first place, you were the first one he searched for. He ignored Christian and ran right up to you. You don’t know how many people watch the race, but every single one of them saw Lando running up to you to kiss you.

that was it everyone! thank y'all so much for all the interactions <3 next story will be out soon!

[soralymystaken]

I think a lot about Lloyd and Harumi, solely because they have one of the most unique yet complex relationship dynamics in all of Ninjago, and it’s something I don’t feel like we talk about enough.

So often I see online that their dynamic is overly simplified. I so often see people arguing between them being “true-love” or “friends to lovers to enemies,” but stating it’s just one of those is overlooking all of the complexities. Even stating it as a one-sided thing from Lloyd isn’t looking at the whole picture. Of course, there can be many interpretations of how they interact. Again, that’s the reason I adore this dynamic so much. This, however, is my personal interpretation:

Also, warning, spoilers plus some swearing.

At the beginning, we see Lloyd have the whole “love-at-first-sight” trope, and we learn that Harumi invited him into the castle. While, of course this immediately is seemed as a positive interaction, later events reveal otherwise. It continues like this: Lloyd falls deeper in love with Harumi whilst she continues manipulating him to keep him on strings. She eventually realizes his feelings, and wants plays on that, making the process work exponentially better. Finally, we learn Harumi’s motives and her reasoning, and, in the episode, Lloyd is devastated. However, I have some additions on this, but I’m gonna finish up my review of canon before getting to that. We do also know that Lloyd still has feelings, though. We primarily see thing from Lloyd still trying to save her from Garmadon’s grasp along with his sadness from her death.

The next time we see her and Lloyd’s dynamic (at least as far as I want to mention,) is Crystalized. When Lloyd is captured, he apologizes. He still clearly has feelings for Harumi, and, in a turn of events, it seems that Harumi does as well, as she convinces the Overlord to spare him and to try to get him on their side.

Okay, enough about prior knowledge, lets discuss headcanons. So, firstly, I’m 100% sure that Lloyd was tormented by Harumi’s origin story. We know how high of a standard he holds himself to, and we also know how morally-driven he is. Him learning about the real stories of the real people who he had really hurt couldn’t have been taken easily. I’ve actually written a whole fic that revolves on that fact, and how Lloyd’s lingering feelings would have amplified that feeling to oblivion. Also, for people who assume he would immediately drop his feelings when he learned Harumi’s true motives, literally just look at how he talks about Garmadon and you’ll see he can’t exactly move on that easily. Things like this take time, and, again, he has guilt because of this whole thing. Moving on from a relationship when you believe you were the reason the person tried to destroy the entire world and subsequently died isn’t the same as a high school breakup. That’s fucking devastating, and especially for someone who hasn’t had the best relationships up to that point.

However, this dynamic really starts to become cloudy when you look at Harumi. Now, look: I’m like 90% sure she only had feelings for Lloyd in S15 as fan-service, but, fan-service or not, it’s canon, and therefore I’m still gonna cover it.

So, first off, when and how did Harumi develop feelings? Personally, I think there could be three main reasons. For one, gaslighting. The whole time, she was gaslighting Lloyd into loving her. Sometimes, when you keep up a lie like that for so long and with that level of commitment, you can convince even yourself of these feelings. Do I think this is the case for Harumi? Well, it depends. If you truly do believe there is a spark between them, then no. However, if you really don’t like the fact that they were given a romantic storyline in S15, then this is a totally valid reasoning.

The second reason that comes to mind is Lloyd’s persistence. Now, just to cover all our basis, reminder that “being persistent” and “never giving up on a love that could be” are not cutesy tropes and relationship goals, and no means no. I see too much stuff online saying shit like “I never gave up on her and, even though she said no 20 times, she gave in in the end.” This is not something to romanticize. If someone rejects you, fucking respect that and move tf on. That being said, though, I think that could actually be the case in this dynamic, albeit in a much less creepy way than some fuckers online do it. Lloyd clearly, even after all of the shit Harumi pulled, still has lingering feelings: a mix of platonic and romantic. I truly believe Lloyd is someone who believes that anyone can change for the better, and applies this to Harumi. The fact that, even after all the pain Harumi caused, he still searched for her in the rubble could be the reason she developed feelings. In my opinion, this is the most likely option.

The final one is a bit colder, and is for y’all who believe Harumi is evil through-and-through. Lloyd is fucking overpowered. Harumi’s reasoning to the Overlord could be just that: the reason. I personally don’t love this one as much, but if this is something you resonate with, I would totally understand why.

All of these factors strung together make Lloyd and Harumi one of my favorite dynamics. There is so much more that I didn’t even discuss here. Is it romantic or platonic or just romantic for one of them? Did Harumi develop feelings even sooner yet denied them solely because of her hatred? Is Lloyd’s relationship with Harumi less to do with Harumi herself and more-so to do with trying to rebuild a relationship with his father through her to prove he can hold onto someone he loves? All of these are questions I’d love to dive into but simply do not have time.

Hopefully you enjoyed my little rant. I love overthinking stuff like this and also love chatting about over-the-top headcanons. If you have any thoughts on this (or other headcanons you want to share), please do!

[blushweddinggowns]

Part 2 to this!

Now that Max and Dustin were vaguely aware of what was going on, they weren’t going to stop until they knew everything. It took about ten seconds from leaving Steve’s driveway for them to start asking questions. 

“Robin…” Max started, “What is he not telling us?”

“That Eddie’s a dick,” she grumbled, “But we’re not allowed to talk about it.”

Dustin crossed his arms against his chest, huffing, “No he’s not! Steve’s right, it’s not his fault he isn’t interested.” 

“If that was the case than ya, sure Steve would be right but it’s not. He’s totally leading him on."

Dustin frowned. That didn’t sound like the Eddie he knew, “How so?”

“Well let’s see,” she lifted a hand, counting it out on her fingers, “There’s the fact he calls Steve shit like ‘pretty’ and ‘sweetheart’ when he thinks no one can hear him. He actively stops Steve from dating anyone else and has scared like five girls away from the store entirely. Not to mention they sleep together almost every night. He just loves torturing him in general! He gets off on the power he has over him, I swear.”

That…did not sound good.

“Well…maybe he likes him back?” Dustin said weakly, praying that there was some kind of misunderstanding and that one of his best friends wasn't being a massive asshole to his surrogate dad.

She shook her head, “I used to think that too until like a week ago. Do you wanna know what he told Nancy when she asked about it? I quote, ‘ Me and Steve? Seriously Nance? I’d rather die. ’” Robin said flatly, resentment heavy in her voice, “And Steve fucking heard him say that and hasn’t done shit about it!”

Max had been staring out the window, trying to rationalize why anyone would do things like that if they weren’t interested, when she froze, “He said that? About Steve? Our Steve?”

“He sure did. And that's why I'm saying it all needs to stop. He needs to fuck off now."

Dustin opened his mouth, so used to jumping to Eddie’s defense before snapping it back shut. He didn’t know what to say. If it was all true then he was going to kill Eddie for fucking with Steve’s feelings, for no good reason. But on the other hand, this was Robin they were dealing with, and her threshold for Steve-related violence was a lot lower than a normal person’s would be. 

She pulled into the trailer park with a sigh, “I’m sorry I put all that out there, it’s just…I needed to get that out. And you guys have almost gotten me killed on more than one occasion so…now we’re even I guess. But don’t tell him I told you! Eddie can do no wrong in his eyes, for some reason.”

They both nodded, Dustin hopping out with Max. He’d bike home later because they needed to talk about this, without Robin there. They thanked her for the ride, standing there in awkward silence as they watched her go. 

“Do you think he’d really do something like that?” Dustin asked as she led him inside, “It’s not that I don’t trust her, but she’s definitely biased.”

Max shrugged, looking just as conflicted as Dustin felt, “I don’t think so? But we should still be on the lookout. If it is true, we’re gonna have to do something.”

Dustin nodded, automatically on board for any hypothetical helping of Steve. They talked for a while longer, another hair-brained scheme forming. They would watch, see if Eddie really was leading Steve on, and if it was true, they’d intervene. The how was yet to be determined, but they would. 

No one was going to hurt their babysitter and get away with it. Not on their watch. 

They spent the next week spying on the two of them, which was kinda easy considering how often they were always together. And things were not looking good.

Now that they knew how Steve felt, they couldn’t help but be mad. Ya, ya, Steve said not to be, but it was bullshit! Because now that Max was paying attention, there was no way Eddie didn’t know how he felt about him. Not with how much time they spent together. And poor Steve was so obvious. 

Robin had been right, he did things just to get a rise out of Steve, like whispering in his ear to see him blush, or calling him one of those dumb pet names, his voice all low and unsubtle. He would even hold his freaking hand! And he always looked so smug about it. Eddie would do one of his stupid antics and leave a stumbling, blushing Steve in his wake, a self-satisfied smirk on his dumb face, like getting Steve all excited and dopey was just so entertaining. 

They were so annoyed that they bonded over it, sharing twin looks of aggravation every time they saw Eddie hang all over him, which was always, with Steve blushing and giggling all the while. 

And they didn’t know what to do about it. Steve had made it very clear that he didn’t want anyone being mean to Eddie over something “stupid”, and he would actually get mad at them if he noticed them acting out against the bullshit. They would have just avoided him entirely if they could, but avoiding Eddie meant avoiding Steve, and that was something neither was willing to compromise on.

So they settled for being cordial whenever Steve was around, and then passive-aggressive when he wasn’t, if just for their own sanity, as they debated what to do about it. 

And Eddie was not a fan of the new behavior. He didn’t know what the issue was with his two favorite little twerps, but they were pissed, and solely at him for the past week. Which, he did not need right now. He was still trying to figure out why Robin suddenly hated him, let alone Steve’s adopted children. 

He racked his brain for anything he could have done, but he always came up empty. If it had been Mike, then sure, he’d have something to go on, making obvious moves to steal his sister’s maybe-boyfriend were fair grounds to be mad about, but he was totally fine. Mike, Lucas, and Will weren’t in on whatever the other two were up to, thank god. He was barely handling dealing with two angry teenagers, let alone five.

Luckily for him, they at least tried to pretend like nothing was wrong when Steve was around. Eddie may not be a genius, but he was pretty sure that having the three closest people to his potential boyfriend hate him, was not a good look. 

Steve was the only one acting the same, thank god. If the three stooges had an issue with him, then that was fine, as long as it didn’t interrupt the long and arduous courting process he had started and planned on finishing. Sooner rather than later. 

He sighed, lazily watching Steve get ready for work from his bed. Though it really was on the edge of just becoming their bed from how often Eddie stayed over. He was already in a hurry, mumbling about how he promised to pick up the two twerps from school today, almost guaranteeing his own lateness.

“You don’t have to always pick them up, you know,” Eddie whined, more than a little annoyed that his afternoon cuddle time was being interrupted.

“But I promised. And you know how they are with that kind of thing.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, Steve was too nice for his own good. He stood up, wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist from behind, still pouting, “But wouldn’t you rather spend those last twenty minutes in bed?”

“ Obviously. But Keith’s going to kill me if I’m late again.”

Eddie rested his chin on Steve’s shoulder, completely in love with the way the small touch made him blush. How he’d managed not to kiss him yet was a masterclass in self-restraint, “Baby, you’re going to be late anyway if you go. How about I get them?”

“Really?”

“Sure. Then you’ll only have to worry your pretty little head over getting to work.” 

Steve smiled as he thanked him, in that soft way that felt like it was just for Eddie, and it never failed to make his heart do a flip in his chest. 

Plus, Eddie could use the time to interrogate the two little shits and figure out what the hell the problem was. He pulled into the school parking lot, honking at the duo as they waited near the front steps. He rolled his eyes when they tried to ignore him, pretending like they were in some kind of deep conversation.

He leaned out the window, yelling over, “Get in, I’m taking you two home today. Steve called in a favor.” 

They looked at each other, all conspiratorial before they made their way to the van, both sitting down with a huff, avoiding the passenger side. He didn’t know when the two of them got so close, but he wasn’t a fan if this was the result of it. 

They were silent, they didn’t even talk to each other, just stared out the window with their arms crossed. 

“So…,” Eddie tried, “Excited for the campaign this weekend?”

Silence. Eddie glanced in his rearview, both of them still staring out the window, acting like he wasn’t even there. 

“Dustin?”

Silence.

“I know you can hear me man, come on!”

Dustin finally turned away from the window, shrugging, "I can’t make it. Have Erica fill in for me or something…" 

Eddie could feel his eye start twitching. 

Pretending that he didn’t exist? Whatever. 

Purposefully slamming the door for any room that they were in together? Okay sure. 

But missing DnD? Not uh, Eddie was going to get to the bottom of this now. He pulled off to the side of the road, turning to frown at them from the driver’s seat, “Okay, that’s enough! What the hell is wrong with you two?”

Max whipped her head around, glaring at him, and Jesus that kid had a hell of a glare, “What’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with you?”

Eddie raised a brow, drumming his fingers against his thigh as he stared at them, “What does that even mean?”

“We know okay?” Dustin hissed out, looking anywhere but Eddie’s face, “We know what you’re doing and we don’t like it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Max scoffed, “We’re talking about how you’re a dick! And Steve deserves better than that!” 

Dustin nodded along, trying to glare at Eddie the way Max was, but he was starting to tear up instead. Like a complete overprotective loser. He wondered if this was how Steve felt when he worried about them. If it was, he was going to start complaining about his coddling a lot less. 

It just wasn’t fair. Nancy, Robin, and now Eddie? When will the torment of watching Steve Harrington's failed love life stop? Why did someone who was nothing but good have to keep dealing with this crap?

Dustin wiped at his face, angry tears still falling, “You know that he likes you and you just mess with him! I don’t know if this is revenge for what he was like in high school but it’s fucked up!” 

Eddie stared at them, slack-jawed as they both started to dress him down. 

Max was digging around her backpack, handing Dustin a pack of tissues while she was giving Eddie the evil eye, "You couldn't have had a bit more tack for the guy that saved your life? I don’t know, maybe ‘He’s not my type,’ instead of “I’d rather die?’ " 

She grabbed a few of them for herself, dangerously close to joining Dustin in the rage crying. She just…wanted Steve to be happy. Was that really so much to ask?

Eddie’s brain was still going a mile a minute, desperately trying to just catch up to what the hell they were talking about, but that brought everything to a halt. He remembered that, a throwaway comment to get Nancy off his back, considering he was in the middle of actively trying to date her ex (?) boyfriend. 

Eddie wasn’t stupid, he knew that Steve felt something for him, there was no other reason why he would let him do the things he did if he didn’t, but he never forgot just how infatuated he had been with Nancy. He remembered him trailing after her in the Upside Down, like some kind of love-sick puppy. Like recognizes like, Steve had looked at Nancy the way Eddie looked at Steve. He was going to let Steve go after that, acknowledge that it was just a simple crush that would never be reciprocated, and wait for the inevitable of them getting back together.

But then, he went and almost died, with Steve deciding to save his life. His little crush morphed into full-blown love, embarrassingly quickly during his recovery. Steve was just always there for him, and in a matter of days they became instant best friends, both obsessed with spending as much time as possible with each other. 

They talked about anything and everything under the sun, all but one thing. 

Nancy. 

He never asked Steve about her, because he honestly never wanted to know. He had been too chicken shit to just ask, terrified that Steve would start confessing his undying love for her the moment he opened the door. And technically if he didn't know for sure, he could feel a whole lot less like shit for being all over someone else's hypothetical boyfriend. 

He avoided her most of the time, out of pure jealousy for how she got along with Steve, and guilt from the fact he was knowingly trying to, maybe, steal him away from her. But once she moved to Boston, Eddie had been so sure it was his chance. The way Steve would look at him sometimes, the way he would touch him, Eddie knew he wasn’t alone in his feelings, even if Steve needed some extra time to get to where he was, he was more than willing to be patient. 

So when Nancy had cornered him during one of her visits, asking him way too specific questions about Steve, he strategically lied, thinking that it would stop any upcoming jealousy or suspicions on her end, and most importantly, stop her from impeding on his ever-increasing Steve Alone Time. 

But now, his genius plan of gently coaxing Steve into a bisexual awakening and subtly stealing him from his maybe girlfriend was the most moronic thing he'd ever thought of.

He finally found his voice, cutting right through the noise of two kids yelling at him, "Steve heard that?!"

“Yeah, he heard it!” Max hissed, “Playtime is over, you need to leave him alone.”

Oh no. Oh no, no no.

"I'm going to puke, I am actually going to puke,” Eddie turned in his seat, putting his head in his hands, suddenly feeling very, very, ill. The love of his goddamn life heard him say he would rather die than be with him? 

Max and Dustin glanced at each other, confused at his reaction. They weren’t sure what they were expecting him to say, maybe a denial, or a warning to stay out of his business, but not this. Max leaned forward in her seat, frowning as she watched Eddie rub at his temples, looking like he had just heard the worst news imaginable. 

“So now you suddenly care?” She asked, lips pursed as Eddie whipped around to stare at her.

“Of course I fucking care! I love Steve! I-he was never supposed to hear that!” Eddie was dangerously close to hyperventilating at the full realization that Steve was probably still under the impression that Eddie didn’t want him. 

Dustin latched on to that, already hopeful that he had been right after all, and one of his best friends wasn’t a complete ass, "Then why the hell would you say that?" 

He told them everything in a jumbled mess of word vomit, embarrassed and intensely mad at himself for being such an idiot. 

And Dustin and Max seemed to agree. 

Max still had her arms crossed, but she wasn’t giving him the death stare anymore. She glanced at Dustin,  “He’s either lying or he’s the dumbest man on the planet.”

Dustin shrugged, “Well he was a super, super senior, so…”

They stared at each other, having some kind of telepathic conversation before Max turned back to him, “If you are telling the truth then you have to tell Steve.”

“Like now, ” Dustin added.

Max nodded, “In front of us.”

“Or else we will never forgive you for making him cry.”

That was another punch to the gut for Eddie, “He cried ?”

They told him the whole, horrible story, and Eddie was struck with the sudden urge to punch himself in the face. He was already starting the van back up when Max insisted they go to him immediately, u-turning to go straight to the Family Video. He was desperate to fix this stupid shit, and fix it now.  

He parked haphazardly, speed-walking into the empty store with two growingly excited teenagers in tow. 

Robin was reading a magazine at the front counter, eyes narrowing at the sight of Eddie waltzing in, “What do you want?”

“I need to talk to Steve.”

Robin rolled her eyes, “Steve’s busy, you can be a dick to him on his off hours.” 

Eddie almost flinched at her tone, still not used to how cold the usually goofy Robin could be. Which, okay, fair, considering just how bad he looked in her eyes, but he was not leaving until he talked to Steve.

Robin raised a brow when she saw Dustin and Max come in behind him. Max was flipping the closed side over as they entered, ignoring Robin’s protests, and Dustin locked it behind him, just as Steve wandered onto the floor, a stack of tapes in hand. 

“What are you guys doing here?” he asked as he set the stack down on the counter, “And why did you lock the door?”

“Eddie needs to talk to you!” Dustin nearly shouted , hopping from foot to foot with obvious impatience. 

Now that Steve was in front of him, all of Eddie’s nervous energy was reaching a peak. He fiddled with his rings, heart pounding, “D-do you have a minute?”

Steve cocked his head, obviously confused, “I always have time for you,” Steve glanced around the room of wide-eyed spectators, “We can step outside if you want-”

“Nope,” Max shook her head, “In front of us.”

While Eddie was technically grateful the kids told him what was going on, he really wished he wasn’t about to risk getting rejected in front of spectators. He took a deep breath, deciding just to rip the band-aid off in one go, “I’m in love with you.”

Steve just stared at him, jaw slack as Eddie nervously prattled on, “I’m in love with you, and I’ve been in love with you for months. But I’m an idiot, an idiot who loves you, and would certainly not rather die than be with the man of my dreams.” 

Steve was still just staring at him, which, honestly, was probably the appropriate response for an impromptu love confession from his best friend. He didn’t know what to make of that face. He should have asked the kids if they were sure Steve felt the same way, how hard would it have been to ask if they were fucking sure?

At least Robin looked seemingly impressed.

The silence just made him keep going, even if his mind was desperately trying to tell him to shut the hell up, “A-and I thought you thought you were straight, or straightish, and I thought Nancy was after you, and -"

And then Steve was kissing him. He just…waltzed right up and grabbed Eddie’s shirt, pulling him down to crash their lips together. 

Eddie stalled for half a second, in complete disbelief that it was happening, Steve Harrington was kissing him. Eddie wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck, pulling him in closer to make the kiss deeper, already fully aware that this was a feeling he would be addicted to for the rest of his life. 

He could vaguely hear Robin squealing in the background, and Max and Dustin gagging, but he was too focused on the sweet taste of Steve’s lips to care. 

He tried to chase his mouth when Steve pulled away, giving him the pretty kind of laugh that made Eddie’s legs feel weak, “We’re both idiots,” Steve smiled, pressing chaste kisses to Eddie’s face between words, “Two idiots in love,”

Eddie blinked, heart still going a mile a minute, “You love me?”

Steve didn’t even tease him for it, kissing his nose like the adorable bastard he was, “Head over heels-”

Eddie was already kissing him again before he could finish, swallowing down his laughs with a happy sigh. 

Dustin and Max watched as their favorite adults made out in the middle of the video store, both kinda grossed out and insanely pleased that they were the reason it was happening in the first place. They looked at each other, grinning from ear to ear, both firmly deciding that meddling in Steve’s life had definitely been worth it. 

[fairsexynasty]

ˏ🔪ˋ°•*⁀➷･ IF YOU REWRITE YOUR LIFE, MAY I STILL PLAY A PART?

.｡🗡️*⋆⍋*🃏*｡ ethan landry x chad meeks-martin x fem!reader

summary: your living situation had already been a mess. but with how charming your roommates were, it soon intertwined with your love life.

warnings: hurt + comfort, (un)requited love, love confessions, angst, hints to attachment anxiety, panic attacks, mentions of smut (ethan getting dicked down :o), guilt, domesticity, chef!ethan, non gf! au

a/n: heavily inspired by we’re in love by boygenius, that song requires tissues bro. this will be a series :3

you had to have been the worst best friend in the world. there was no logical explanation for the way you’d been feeling besides that. it’s not that you did anything wrong—at least, tangibly. your perspective just happened to shift, as it does with age, but you never expected it’d fuck your life up at 19.

college is a terrible place, swarming with hookup culture. and in nyc, it’s twenty times worse. you liked to think you were one of the only sane ones left, as in, being someone who wished oh-so-desperately to be swept off her feet by true romance. it only took one look around blackmore to see you most likely were not going to experience that from anyone.

but a girl can dream. and dreamt you did.

your living situation was a total fuckup. gigantic fuckup. monstrous fuckup. instead of making a home with girls who would help you create serotonin with every interaction, you were somehow rooming with two, sweetly dumb men.

ethan and chad share their differences, that’s for sure. chad’s cleanliness has been overrun by ethan’s haphazard living, and a handful of spats occur.

“ethan, for the last time, dude. clean up your shit! i don’t even know how your pants ended up in the kitchen.”

“chill out, chad, they’re just pants.”

“yeah, but they’re pants this week, and then it’ll be a condom the next.”

ethan scoffed. “says you. may i remind you, your name is chad.”

you’d always have to mediate between the two, giving them a smack on both their heads so they could feel the pain of the headache they gave you.

ethan’s things being in the kitchen somehow make sense. he’s in there whenever he has free time, cooking whatever try hard recipes he finds on his tiktok feed. they always turn out delicious, but ethan is an extremely controlling chef.

“what are you doing, chad?”

“what does it look like i’m doing? i’m eating a fry.”

“don’t touch the frites for the steak. out. of. my. kitchen.”

“may i remind you that y/n and i live here too?”

“yeah, but she isn’t eating the frites before the steak is ready. i haven’t even made the hollandaise yet.”

but even with their differences, they have many similarities. and those similarities were what had you feeling horrible in the first place.

chad and ethan might just have been the most charming men you’d ever encountered. it was strange to live with a girl in such close proximity, because living with a sister and parents was so different. but they never once made you feel like they didn’t want you there.

for the most part, what was theirs was yours. they never asked for the vice versa because they knew you’d kill them if they ever used your skincare or hair care in the bathroom.

that includes personal space, for some reason.

most nights you three got to spend time together, whether that was going out or staying in. everyone knew you had grown to be inseparable, including all the girls. mindy and anika never failed to call you names and titles.

“oh, look, it’s boygenius.”

every night typically looked like the three of you on the couch, a giant mclovin blanket covering you. you were typically in the middle, with both boys as close as humanly possible to you, as you watched whatever movie was picked out of your roulette list.

when it was a sad movie, like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, ethan would be silently crying, head leaning on your shoulder for comfort. chad would be watching with wide, watery eyes, singular tears dropping every couple of seconds. his head would eventually perch upon your other shoulder.

with a comedy movie, like your favorite, superbad, typically you were sprawled out across ethan and chad, head resting on the arm of the couch, legs across their own.

and with a romance or drama movie, a train of bodies occurred. chad would be at the arm of the couch, with you resting in his lap, with ethan resting in yours. your hands would find themselves busy in ethan’s curls as you watched the movie, with chad’s chin resting on top of your head.

one time, you fell asleep after the movie in that exact position, and tara swung by to drop off some books. when she entered the apartment (of course she had a key, she was a ‘core four’ member,) she was met with the sight of you three. perfect photoshoot, in her mind.

the touchiness didn’t stop there. when walking outside, your arms were often linked together, or one of the boys would be holding your stuff while the other had an arm around your shoulders.

when you went to parties, they danced with you when you felt like it, and sat down with you when you felt like going on some kind of drunken tangent. and the behavior from them was eye-catching to everybody who saw you three together.

after a humanities class, a random girl walked up to you. the conversation was short and sweet, but left you stunned and questioning every part of your existence.

“hey, y/n. i just wanted to tell you that you and your boyfriends are literally goals. i can just feel the love radiating from all of you.”

love? there was no way chad AND ethan were in love with you. they probably would have beaten each other up by now if they were both into you. but, the random girl did say she thought you were all dating. and suddenly you found yourself watching the boys like a creep.

you kept a note in your phone of every single behavior that pointed to either two things: they were in love with you, and they were in love with each other. by the end of the week, you had amassed at least twenty different entries a day.

for evidence pointing towards their shared loved for you, you found that they’d start staring at you when you weren’t looking. their eyes often had a gleam you’d catch in the corner of your eye, and occasionally a failure of a repressed smile.

when you said goodnight, you’d feel their eyes on you until you closed the door to your room, and they never went to bed until at least an hour after you did, just to make sure you were safe asleep.

ethan would blush whenever you established physical affection with him or accepted his own, and chad would give you the biggest grins whenever you deglammed for the evening (and even when you were dolled up, that damn smile never left his face around you)

now, for the evidence pointing towards them being in love with each other? your theories were solidified one thursday night you had gotten back from the store. as soon as you had opened the door, the sluttiest whimper you’d ever heard, came from chad’s room. and you knew for a fact, chad was not the type to sound so desperate.

with one moan of a, “oh, fuck!” you knew ethan was getting dicked down by chad, and promptly left the apartment, deciding you forgot some milk. you probably sat in the trader joe’s parking garage for a good half an hour, attempting to process what you had almost walked in on.

it was reality. you all liked one another. it seemed too good to be true, though. how could two perfect guys like them, magnetize to you? with all your self consciousness, you shot them a text you were coming back home, and prepared yourself for confrontation.

when you got home, they immediately rushed outside to help you with the groceries. you didn’t make a comment on ethan’s flushed face and the trail of hickeys under his collar— which was the collar of chad’s shirt.

you felt like your heart was going to burst out of your chest, neck, and skull at the same time. when everything was put away, chad gave you a kiss on the head and thanked you for going to the store.

“i need to talk to you two about something,” you blurted out, eyes fixated on the receipt that laid on the counter. “i think you might want to sit.” ethan and chad had brief looks of fear on their faces, but acquiesced to your request. you slowly trailed after them.

“is everything okay, sweets?” chad asked you after settling onto the couch next to ethan. “is there something wrong?”

you let out a shaky breath as your hand tugged at the sleeves of your shirt. “i don’t know. that’s what i want to know. you see, uh…” you trailed off. it was a struggle to find the right words. ethan patted his hand on the couch in between him and chad, and you sauntered over to them. when you sat down, you played with your hands, completely nerved. the boys took your hands in their own, trying to calm you. you took a breath.

“listen, i love you guys a lot. i really do, and everyone knows that. i mean, i’ve been so happy ever since you came into my life. i just, i really am. but, i think i’ve been having some realizations lately, and i think i’m one of the last people to see this has been happening, but, i know everyone thinks that we’re dating.” okay, that’s not what you really meant to say, but you pussied out at the last moment.

“oh, wow.” ethan said, with a small smile. you saw chad let out the smallest sigh of relief. “does it bother you?”

“yeah, um, no,-“

“wait, yeah as in it bothers you, or no it doesn’t bother you?” chad asked.

“nonono, i mean i’m not done with what i want to say, sorry,” you rushed out.

“don’t apologize,” chad smiled and rubbed your back. “take your time,” he encouraged.

you nodded slowly, and took another breath. “because of everyone thinking this, it made me start wondering if they were… onto something? so, i did a lot of thinking, and, at least on my part, i love you both a lot more than you might think i do. i’m, in love.”

both boys were silent for a moment. you felt your stomach churn, and your hands started to get clammy. as your anxiety crept up, so did the pace of your breathing, and within the silence, tears found their way to your face. had you fucked this up?

however, unbeknownst to you, ethan and chad both looked at each other, a silent nod of understanding, but then they immediately realized you were crying.

“shit, nonono, sweets, don’t cry, it’s okay! it’s okay, y/n!” chad wiped away your tears as ethan hugged you from behind.

“i’m sorry,” you sobbed, “i’m so sorry.”

ethan spoke gently into your ear, “y/n, there’s no reason to be sorry, it’s okay! we’re in love with you too! you didn’t do anything wrong!”

you stopped crying as chad held your face in his hands, a look of pure love across his face. “really?” you hiccuped. “you feel the same?” they both nodded in sync.

“yes, y/n.” chad agreed. “we’re in love.”

[forlornkiller]

I think this ending was so good for this show because it keeps everybody in a state of motion. We’re able to almost picture or envision what the future is going to be like for them because some cycles are destined to repeat but each character has such different destinies you know? this show is so amazing every scene has so much to unpack…. im only gonna choose a couple moments but I hope they resonate

comparing Kendall and roman……. I think we all knew that roman was abused by Kendall growing up but in previous contexts, it seemed like he had changed…. at least yelling at Logan for his direct abuse but to see Kendall do that to Rome was fucking heartbreaking man . tears in my fucking eyes like he does not. deserve this. nobody fucking deserves this and fuck Logan Roy and every fucking abuser that willingly and even gleefully chooses fucking abuse. kendall seemed resigned to his fate to abuse his brother but it’s just not true man. maybe there was more sorrow than glee in his abuse but only maybe. and either way it’s not fucking right. The acceptance of their nothingness is different yet the same…… so many things are different but the same do u know what I mean ?

Kendall, with protection, but never able to do anything again is a fate i can accept for him. It was really interesting to see how their relationships with other people were again and may I just say. I think it’s quite incredibly clear what Kendall and Stewy had and currently flirt with…… i love that but I hate that for them. As delulu it might be for Stewy to think he can save Kendall, he totally thinks that and who knows . maybe some cool fuck shit happens and Kendall’s able to keep one relationship in his life he cares about. but I guess we won’t see .

Oof going back to Roman’s dig about Rava and her kids…….. i think his relationship with them is so fucked and there isn’t enough time for repentance. He spent so long holding onto a dream that was never real and not even worth having in the end, and knowing that so much of his life was around this one thing. seven years old to now….. maybe some intense psychotherapy and retrospection for years is what he needs. it’s probably the only thing he’s gonna get

,, and in this sense I almost wonder if Connor and Kendall are closer than ever as eldest boys. Connor was never offered the dream, and he never became anything. Kendall is what happens when you offer it and it disappears, making u realize it was never really there in the first place. Might’ve been something, but definitely isn’t now. I also think reducing Connor to nothing is not a fair characterization but he’s not really something either.

Shiv……… i wish there was a way free for her. I’m not the greatest at imagining shiv futures but I somehow see purgatory yet nothing at all. She got the deal, she didn’t get CEO and her reputation got a bit fucked but she’s still married to the CEO. whose baby she’s pregnant with. And who she doesn’t like, i don’t think. Because hurting her has been the way she understands love, i think she’s more into Tom than ever and i think she needs him. He holds a lot of power but in the end he offers love one way, she doesn’t respond that way and they stay together but apart. I can’t tell anymore if it’s real or fake. I think Shiv believes what she said, that once you say all the worst shit to each other you can still be together but part of that is WANTING to be together. If you say all the worst shit and at the end don’t know if you want to come back, then I think you shouldn’t get back together. They just keep making bad decisions. Sometimes relationships are best when both people realize how close they are is not how close they actually want to be or should be. Tom offering his hand in the car…….. she called him a phony and I think I agree. There might’ve been love there.. an opportunity to win love but Shiv doesn’t fight for those things, she takes them as givens. A lot of the tragedy in succession is about timing. Bad things happening right when things were getting good, maybe. The consequences of their actions meet later actions and become perfectly destructive. Okay i got distracted back to shiv and Tom i can’t tell who is trapping who with this baby. I am incredibly sad for this future child and wish that Tom got out now, fuck waystar royco and take his piece of shit and go!!!! but they’re in too deep now.

Switching to tomgreg 🤩 sucking the dick of white supremacy, but maybe making changes internally about how things are done. Tom is better than Logan on most levels I think, and great at his fucking job. Will he be able to counter Logan’s legacy with his own consider his part in advancing Logan’s? Wash his hands free from sins?? i don’t really think so but I think he might want to…….. i always have hope like a dumbass hehe but yea I have been wanting Tom and Gerri team up since the beginning on season 4 and while it’s sad to not see that in action, im glad it’s a definite future. I think she’ll see that Tom can actually be competent. Okay sandwiching Tom and Gerri with Tom and Greg, that sticker shit was fucking cute and I totally thought they were gonna kiss before that. Their fight was so fucking funny LOL i did genuinely enjoy watching that. Fed my tomgreg soul for sure 😌

In regards to mattson (and then I’m going back to Gerri and then I’m gonna SLEEP!!) i think what he wanted with his numbers happened, them getting lost in the deal dazzle? It went through and now everybody’s fucking rich. The thing is idk all the legal business stuff so is this gonna fuck everybody over in a couple weeks to months? No clue but for now Mattson’s kinda on top of the world. I really don’t like him tho hehe i hope he gets smashed to death by a pile of his own blood bricks. I wonder if Tom will actually be his front man, or try to kill him at some point too? The urge to serve is so strong in him…… but do I firmly believe that with a healthy kinky relationship with somebody PERHAPS GREG. he would be able to fulfill that and also rule the world? Absolutely man it’s just abt balance 😌 my belief that the acceptance of bdsm would fix so many things in our society & in succession is unshakable okay don’t question me. ANYWAYS

Gerri….. a queen as always. Roman pining from afar is so sad so tragic reminding himself of her with every drink he drinks and thought he thinks. One of THE biggest regrets and him saying that he’s nothing, that all the sibs are nothing? I think in this moment it’s true. I can feel how that is truth for him. With Gerri’s brief flashes of emotion during the funeral ….. i have hope. Succession aside, i really believe have faith in love and its power to save lives & transcend death. I think what they had bw them was real, and with the scripts as well I don’t think that connection was faked. What makes my heart hurt is that in the past it seemed like Gerri was the only one in the room who cared if he was hurt. She can’t necessarily protect him but she sees him. He doesn’t have that, the three sibs don’t have anybody that really loves & knows them enough to be able to deal with this trauma but I don’t think hope is totally gone. I’m an optimist in the end

God this is fucking long I’m a wordy person but overall? GOD i love this show!!! I really think they ended it at a great spot in this way where things keep going. Nobody’s story ever really ends, it feels like it does and to the person living their story it might but being able to watch their lives? You realize that it doesn’t end. I think Jesse’s commentary on the fear behind ending Succession here is super valid though, because there is a message here that is ultimately anti capitalist. If we were able to really see, at length the way we’ve seen the first cycles, how their cycles continue I think it would really wake a lot of people up to how things operate in this society. The longer this nation goes on, the longer the abuse this nation was founded from goes on. I’m going to end here but wow this show has given me so much to think about when it comes to love, abuse, capitalism, society & American culture as a whole like goddamn. What a show man what a show

[june-julie]

Heyy!!Um if you don’t mind can you write for mbav?(benny weir x fem reader) Something along the lines of evil benny creating reader’s evil copy and she starts flirting hard with the real Benny and when Sarah and the real reader destroys the evil copies Benny gets sad and misses the evil copy :>

Two is better than one.

Benny weir x fem!reader

“What were you thinking?”

Warnings: cursing, seductive behaviour, degradation.

— Summary; what anon said 🫶🏻

— A/N; I LIKE IT PICASSO this came to me when cleaning and I literally stopped everything to write it. I got so many evil copy requests I’m down them ALL.

Benny and you didn’t particularly have a clear relationship at times.

There were certain things he said or done that always had you second guessing,

maybe it was the way he looked into your eyes a second longer than usual when he smiled that signature grin of his or maybe it was the way he teased you until he was sure he made the tips of your ears red but one thing was clear,

It was the things he would do a second later that would make you uncertain It was obvious Benny weir flirts with any girl that walks his way and honestly you were thankfully that the girl were daft enough to pay more attention at the fuck boys than Benny otherwise you were sure he’d be snatch up by now.

“Ethan you’re delusional if you think Benny weir has any sort of romantical feelings for me at all.” You explained your frustrating case of what always clouded your mind.

“Why are you so sure of yourself? Why is it so hard to accept what I’m saying is true y/nn? You’re telling me you don’t see the way he looks at you?” Ethan protested but not as strongly as he had before, poor Ethan has this whole conversation rehearsed with not only you unfortunately.

Benny had to force a giggle out of himself to cover for the untrue words Ethan had mistakenly spoken “dude, no need to lie to me. I like the girl and all but I think by now I can tell when a girl doesn’t like me as hard as that is to believe.” Benny replied sarcastically to a eye rolling Ethan, his favourite expression in both Y/N and Benny’s opinion.

Christ you guys even argue the same.

“Let me entertain the possibility that you are right for a minute,” Ethan merely nodded mind elsewhere. “If I get as far as asking him out and not get rejected by whatever godsend was on my side that day that Benny didn’t run away scared of my ‘proposal’ “ you qoutated for your special day of the weeks rant affect “who’s to say he still wouldn’t make comments about every other woman he saw that day? We just wouldn’t work as much as I wanted to.”

“Denial is a river in Egypt.” Ethan chimed matter of factly with a cheeky smile he knew pissed you off “your just trying to convince yourself because you know none of that mumbo jumbo isn’t going anywhere with me.”

“E, you wanna know how I can see that she doesn’t like me?” Benny tugged on his backpack straps with a thin pressed lip “not really.” Ethan muttered unbothered “great, well for one I flirted with a girl right in front of her today to get any reaction out of her anything! And she didn’t care! That’s like movie 101 the chick totally storms off in jealousy yet she didn’t budge.” He finished

How was it that Ethan was the only expert in spotting the hurt in the teens faces ? Or the broken laugh he oh so quoted All you guys needed was to stop being so stubborn and a little confidence couldn’t hurt.

-

It was after school and you were walking home with your headphones on, playing whatever song your iPod had to offer on shuffle then you spotted something, oh cool benny grandma Evelynn is having a yard sale.

“Hey Benny what’s up?” You waved as you saw his grandmother leave the stall seemingly leaving Benny to sell the remaining products,

“grandma is selling all the junk in her house she no longer uses and she said if I help I get extra cash so currently being an entrepreneur.” He grinned leaning on the table with his collared striped sweater sleeves pulled up revealing his forearms, that mixed with his smile had you saying ‘shut up and take my money!’

“I don’t think that’s how that works but sure I’m always up to support a business.” You furrowed your brows but nonetheless went along with his playful manner “I’ll take that vintage camera.” Maybe it’ll help with you and your friends picture day project.

“Fine choice m’lady.” You giggled in response and took the camera “I’ll see you later benns’ “ and with that you left.

-

It was the next day at school and if you had known Benny and Ethan had their own school picture day idea maybe you wouldn’t have volunteered to help your friend.

But having said that it didn’t stop you from sticking your tongue out at Benny like a child cheekily as he slumped in defeat

“defeated with my own tools.” He muttered as you laughed sympathetically in response patting his shoulder “sorry Benny rabbit, maybe next year?” You teased further more making sure to use the name you knew he hated cause you just loved to be the person to grind his gears.

Unfortunately you missed what he whispered to Ethan “It’s cute when she says it..” ethan looked puzzled at the boy.

You agreed after class to futhermore help your friend by testing out your retro cam, having successfully found a dark room you firstly tested it with a simple selfie really 2010 pose of you, Y/n.

And then you set it aside to develop, continuing with your classes.

Later on you went to check on it and would you look at that! Perfect 80s selfie, you just Missed the laboured breaths behind you as you were knocked unconscious.

-

Benny tapped his pencil on his desk as he watched the clock on the wall, you should definitely be at this class he remembered on your timetable you had the same classes as him! So then where were you? 10 minutes went by and mid way through class Y/N finally showed up,And boy did she make an entrance.

Are you allowed to wear shorts that short? Or leather jackets that cool?

You slumped in your chair looking directly at the teacher, eye contact and all. “Care to explain what was more interesting than class that made you 20 minutes late Miss Y/N L/N?” The teacher rightfully asked through a stern voice.

“literally anything..?” Y/N replied as if it was a joke and not they were real consequences.

The Teacher was taken aback “Y/N this is nothing like you whatever has gotten into you I’m not dealing with this today.” She explained furthermore to a doodling Y/H/C.

“I didn’t want to deal with this math today and yet here we are.” Y/N shrugged “who in the right mind puts fucking letters in marginal equations?” The teacher scoffed “detention IMMEDIATELY.”

And with that Y/N stood up, smirking at Benny who’s mouth was agape “like what you see? Or is staring your new habit Dork?” She leaned on his desk table inching closer to him as she maintain intense eye contact “what did I just say?” The teacher raised her voice and with that Y/N practically strutted out.

Benny leaned into Ethan “I don’t know what Y/N has done with herself but I like it.” He spoke unbeknownst to Ethan’s bewildered expression, this has supernatural written all over it and yet again he was the only one to spot it.

Obviously Y/N wasn’t gonna listen to the teacher though, she had a better plan in mind. Why not finish what she started? So she dragged her friend to the room where she left the camera and made a copy of her, putting on her best sickly sweet voice imitating the other sweeter more rational Y/N she managed to fool her friend into becoming a copy just like her and whilst Y/N was having fun Terrorising other teens days her friend would make more evil duplicates.

Fun and innovative, woman in stem yk?

Mindlessly she walked through the halls she had about a few hours before school was over and then she could go to go carts she rented for the day.

That’s when she spotted him. Benny weir. she just needed to figure out why the other Y/N was so intrigued by him so she made her way over to him “well if it isn’t just the guy I was looking for, can I talk to you? “ benny looked around puzzled and then nodded, Y/N turned to look at Ethan “alone. take a hint third wheel.” She did a fake smile for a millisecond benny raised a brow

Third wheel? In what?

“What is it that makes you so important?” She began in a low tone as she eyed him head to toe slowly “my charm, i get A’s in calculus I do a killer Tom cruise from top gun impression” no one in the world could not cringe at the words Benny utters.

Well unless you got a tolerance like the other Y/N does, which was what evil Y/N was so aggravated to figure out.

“Not the things you say Idiot, the things you do.” She took a step closer to him “ I’m not sure I’m following now y/nn? This about my yearbook photo idea?” He guessed utterly lost, poor guy.

“This is about how every thing you say or do drives other me crazy, you’ve such nerdy arms and yet she fawns over your slender hands.” Evil Y/N sure knew how to cut and praise you in the same sentence that was for sure.

Benny didn’t respond he just looked down to said hands in question and then back at Y/N he was finding it hard to maintain eye contact under this pressure “I bet you haven’t even been with a girl, how pathetic.” She chuckled yet her eyes showed interest and she inches nearer again.

Benny gulped “Y/n what are you talking about…?” Benny managed to speak as he trailed off as if he spoke any louder than he did he was afraid you would stop.

“Maybe if I teach you a few things you might actually have the balls to get with me.” Why she was speaking about herself in the third person was beyond Benny but what wasn’t beyond him is whatever degrading kink evil you just summoned in him.

He grinned “if this is you getting back at me for teasing you so much I admit im not sorry.” You pressed your hands flat against his chest “that’s exactly what it is.” sexual frustration totally didn’t play a part at all.

So you tangled your hands in his brunette locks and peckered his neck then his lips

‘Whatthefuckishappeningohmygodsheskissingmethisissohot’

And then she stopped with a tug of his hair releasing a low whine from Benny as he opened his Green eyes “If you actually want to take me up on my offer find me in the dark room, I’m only having fun. Think you can do that pretty boy? Hm?” Benny nodded cheerfully She smirked and spon around on her heels and walked away.

Did Y/N just walk straight out of his wet dream or something?! Like I know yesterday Y/N was pretty Damn sexy in her flarely skirt that Benny was so sure she put on intentional to screw with his head but this was definitely a dream he had only a week ago.

-

Somwhere along the line you woke up, not evil you but actual you and you spotted your friend tied up,

“what happened?! Are you alright?” You asked frantically concerned as you untied her “there’s a evil copy of me and you going around terriorising people! I don’t know what’s going on but I think she knocked you out too!” That would explain the raging headache that got worse by the minute.

‘I have to go tell Sarah and Erica’ you thought.

-

Frantic to find Sarah you scanned the halls as you tucked a strand of Y/H/C behind your ears and was certainly not looking where you were going and it became more certain when you bumped into a unknown force.

Benny flushed being met with you, except you lost the shorts and the leather jacket, but hey you did sport his favourite skirt on you “I knew it was intentional!” He muttered under his breath thinking aloud

“benns’ are you okay? You look a little red and your shirt is all scrunched up..” you expressed with much concern for the boy “I’m fine, y/n. And if I’m not I’m still taking you up on your offer later and you can make me fine.” He grabbed your hand to politely shoo it away from his striped shirt as he winked

“offer? What offer? Benny I need your help finding Sarah.” Benny tilted his head in confusion That word be the third time today you drive him around the bend in mind whipping mood Change,

you are a force of nature woman.

He was gonna flirt but he saw your expression and put his feelings aside for a moment “what’s wrong bunny?” His brows furrowed “there’s these evil copies of me and (I forgot her name I’m so sorry) walking around and they’re planning on making way more! We need to stop them or who knows what they’ll do.” You pleaded with urgency.

“That chick Ethan’s into? Wait you have a copy?” You nodded, deciding against telling Benny that she had a boyfriend right now as it wasn’t the top priority going on right now.

Benny slumped, of course it wasn’t you.

“Benny? Hello? Come on!” You grabbed his hand and went to find Sarah and Ethan, unknowing to how extra sweaty his hands were today as you interlaced your fingers together.

-

“What in the Jennifer’s body is this bullshit? You’re meant to be evil Me?” You scoffed eyeing her “it’s not like I give a fuck what you think honestly cause you’ll be dead in a minute.”

“Honey you’re just another bad selfie gone wrong.”

A few minutes of bickering and fighting go by and you finally manage to tear the developed photo apart.

Sarah stormed into the bathroom after dealing with the other copy “are you okay?!” You nodded offering a Sympathetic smile “totally should’ve took that jacket before she vanished.” Sarah rolled her eyes reminding you of how she does it just like Ethan does and you both smiled.

“Let’s get you up.” She helped you from your position on the floor as you regained your breath and stood up.

-

Now with school done you rejoined your favourite best friends as Rory, Sarah, Erica and Ethan walked ahead. Benny still looked distant and you couldn’t help but notice it.

“Hey Benny you’ve been quiet all day, are you alright? I hope evil me didn’t say anything mean to you, If she hurt you that wasn’t me I’d never do any like that.”

Benny for the first time after today looked you in the eyes again with a hitched breath I don’t think he’ll ever forget your hands on him, or your pillowy soft lips for that matter.

“She didn’t it’s just she said some things…” you looked at him as he looked down “what did she say?” Her words played in his mind but he couldn’t bring himself to repeat them so he shook it off “nevermind it doesn’t matter, it’s stupid I’m all good.” He forced a smile but you saw through it “hey.. you know evil Y/N rented go carts?” You tried cheer him up and knowing Benny it worked and automatically he was back to his old self “only room for 2!” And with that you two scurried to front in giggles

Maybe things could be different now?

Ahhh I’m sorry that was so short but I hope you like it😭😭 I’m gonna proof read it later if I made any mistakes <33

[jeptwin]

It’s been so long since I had an actual reason to post, but here we go!

I want to talk about Dead End Paranormal Park.

And no, contrary to what my previous posts may suggest, I’m actually not going to be focusing on the-frankly awesome-rep of all kinds. Still, it’s worth a mention! I mean, come on! Our main characters are a trans gay jew and an autistic bi pakistani girl!!

But that’s not what I’m going to focus on here. Instead, I want to take the chance to focus on how well Hamish Steele uses highly underutilized tropes in an absolutely brilliant manner.

Spoilers ahead! Be warned, if you see anything you regret, just keep it to yourself darling!

Now for the big stuff: The usage of a Lawful Good antagonist and the morality shift of a protagonist whose ideals have been so challenged and so hurt by those they thought they could trust, that they instead turn on the so-called ‘good’ to fight with ‘evil’.

Now, before I get into details on that last one, let’s start strong with the Lawful Good Antagonist! Like I said, very underutilized, and very hard to do well. The problem with the concept of a ‘lawful good’ antagonist is that they genuinely have to have no ulterior motives to their good; their only goal is to achieve a ‘good’ thing, at any cost. In this case, that’s eradicating the Demons, even at the cost of Humanity, whom they have sworn to protect—after all, what cost is the Neutral Plane if it means the threat of Demons is eliminated? Absolute order must be maintained, and the demons’ very existence threatens to break that order with their Chaos and Evil.

We have seen, too, that it’s not so simple, hence why Hamish Steele does such a good job with this concept. After all, Fingers has selfish motivation, doesn’t he? He’s not Lawful Good. But he is a servant of it, which ultimately means that his actions are meant not to show that the Angels aren’t as good as they seem, but instead to show the lengths they will go to in a character who isn’t as pure as the rest. He, like the Watcher, serves as a foil to the Angels as a whole, showing their sinister side—whereas the Watcher shows their absolute devotion to their cause, and the lengths they will go to to achieve it.

Seeing how well it was done inspires me, because it shows that it can be done, and it can be great. I mean, Angels?? As the villains?? Let’s face it, we can all probably count on one hand how frequently that works out.

And now, for the second trope done well. Or, rather, possibly done well. We haven’t seen it play out yet! But I will say, this is not only a new trope, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen it executed before: A protagonist on the side of good turning to ‘evil’ in order to get justice. And I’m not taking Red Hood style evil, or justice. Norma turning to the Demonic Royal Family is a smart move, and totally in character for her. More than that, it makes sense. While it’s true that it could be viewed as her becoming evil, that’s not actually the case. She’s become an anti-hero by siding with dark forces with potentially terrible goals, because she knows that the Angels need to be stopped. And more than that, she wants to hurt them like they hurt her. So, a little Red Hood I guess! But still, if we do get season 3-and I’m really hoping we do-we have a chance to see a massive reversal in a manner I can genuinely say that, in all my years as a film and tv studies major, I have never seen executed well.

If done right, Hamish Steele could create an entirely new genre of storytelling, and I for one truly hope that we can see it in all its glory.

[scorpiongrassfield]

Time to look for Theo 

Start | Prev

Pat is probably safe enough, as long as you don’t lead Ametrine right to them. But you have a bad feeling about what Ametrine said about Theo. 

He said she can’t do any permanent damage to him, but honestly you aren’t sure that’s true. 

A wound doesn’t stay a wound forever, but it still leaves a scar once it’s healed, after all. 

The only trouble is you aren’t sure where to look. Maybe the cabin? Though that’s the way Ametrine went… 

You should probably check for him somewhere else first. 

Another encounter with her should be a last resort. 

You leave the field in the direction of the woods. 

That’s where you first met Theo as the shadow, wasn’t it? 

Maybe near the creek… 

Your heart freezes in your chest as you think about the creek. 

She wouldn’t do that, would she? 

No, she totally would. 

You pick up your pace and head straight there. 

Theo’s soul offers little resistance. 

The creek here seems more or less normal. No sign of anything amiss. There’s not even any blood on the rock where Theo hit his head. 

And yet… you can’t shake the feeling that this is where you’re supposed to look for him. 

Maybe if you try…? 

You step into the creek, and the world goes dark. 

“Die alone for all I fucking care,” you hear someone say. It echoes. 

You’re in the water. It’s deeper than the creek, but you don’t have much time to ponder why, as you are now in the process of drowning. 

This is what you were afraid of. 

Now that you know what you are, you find that you have more power than you did before. 

You know that you don’t need to drown. That’s not how you died. Acceptance that you are in fact dead settles into your bones. It hurts, but you can take it. Otherwise you’ll be stuck here. And you can’t let yourself be stuck. 

You pull yourself out of the water, even though there’s nothing to use as leverage. 

You don’t need to let this hurt you, you think. It’s not your trauma, is it? 

You and Theo are separate people. 

The water becomes shallow again, just a creek. 

You can’t seem to get rid of the echoing voice of Theo’s sister. She’s saying all kinds of nasty things to him. 

What a piece of work. 

You need to hurry. Theo shouldn’t have to suffer because of you like this. 

It’s still pitch dark in this new space, which makes searching a little difficult. 

Instead you follow the sound of something thrashing in the water. 

It’s not easy to hear under the echoes, but you manage it. 

The water is deeper for Theo than it is for you. 

You can see him plainly despite the dark, now that you know where he is. 

He’s reaching and grasping for something to save him, but there’s nothing there. 

Not until you reach out your own hand. 

He takes it. 

And drags you back down into the water with him. 

It’s harder to escape the water this time, Theo is panicking and clinging. 

You can feel his fear in your own chest, and it hurts more than the water burning in your throat. 

Getting swept away by the current would be less than effortless. 

But you have things to do, and you have never drowned for real. 

You can pull both of you out of here, so you do. 

The creek isn’t very deep, after all. 

You drag yourself and Theo onto the bank of the creek in the woods. 

Theo falls still. 

If he wasn’t already dead, you’d consider attempting CPR. 

“You’re okay,” you tell him instead. “The worst is already over.” 

His eyes shoot open and he begins to cough up water. 

You pat his back gently once he sits up.

“I didn’t… know she could… do that,” Theo says between coughs. 

“That makes two of us,” you say. 

Theo is shaking like an aspen leaf. “I… You came to help me?” he asks, disbelieving. 

And then his expression sharpens. “You were supposed to be with Pat! Helping them wake up,” he snaps. 

“I… needed some time to process things, I think,” you say with a shrug. 

“You know what you are now?” he asks, not outright saying it. 

“Unfortunately. And I’m still processing it,” you say. 

Theo nods. “It isn’t an easy thing to accept, I’m sure.” 

“How come you’re fine now. Weren’t you just drowning?” you ask. You can’t help but be curious. 

“Nothing really sticks once you’re dead. Not even physical or emotional trauma,” he says. 

“Why do you talk different now?” you say, since now seems to be the time for questions. 

“I… Guess I’ve gotten more confident over time. And I’ve never felt particularly afraid of you,” he says. 

“Why is the other version of you scared of me, then?” 

“The other me is fresh off of being murdered and is afraid of everyone.” 

“If you’re a ghost and nothing sticks, then how did you grow more confidence?” 

Theo sighs. “I don’t know. I just did. Maybe becoming a guardian has that effect on people. Or maybe it’s just that once you’ve accepted everything, there’s not much that can cause anxiety or fear. At least not for your own sake.” 

“Huh,” is all you can say. 

Theo stands up and brushes himself off, then offers you a hand up. 

You accept it. 

“So you’re Pat’s guardian,” you say, after a moment of the two of you just looking at each other. 

Theo nods. 

“So you’re supposed to protect them from things like me, right?” you ask. 

Theo looks away. 

“You… aren’t wrong,” he says. 

“So why aren’t you? I’m sure Ametrine wouldn’t have done any of this if you had just… gotten rid of me, or whatever it is that guardians are supposed to do.” 

“You think I should have… destroyed you?” 

You shrug, but he doesn’t see it. “I think that you were supposed to. I’m selfish enough to be happy you didn’t,” you admit. 

Theo slumps. “I didn’t notice you were here, at first. You aren’t exactly… normal,” he says. 

“And you said Pat asked you to protect me?” 

Theo sighs deeply. “They did. Originally they were just planning on helping you move on like any other ghost, despite knowing what you were. Since they said you didn’t seem malicious.” 

“But?” you prompt. 

“But then Ametrine burst in and used her powers to try and get you away from Pat. Everything happened really fast. Ametrine’s powers are strong. Or they are when she doesn’t use them constantly for days straight without sleeping,” he explains. 

“She did seem tired last I saw her.” 

“That’s not good. At this rate they’re both going to die,” Theo says, looking crestfallen. 

“Wait, what?” 

“How long can a person stay asleep before there are negative consequences? How long can they stay awake? I’m no expert, but I’d say neither are very healthy.” 

So Pat’s asleep, then. You guess that makes sense. 

“Why didn’t you try to wake them up?” 

Theo looks annoyed. “That was the first thing I tried. It didn’t work, just called Ametrine’s attention right to us.” 

Right. That probably didn’t go very well. 

As the two of you stand there somewhat awkwardly, something occurs to you. 

“How come you’re answering all my questions now instead of freaking out about it?” 

Theo sighs again. “Because I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted after Ametrine shoved me into my own personal hell?”

Well. Now you feel like you’ve been taking advantage of the situation. 

“And because you saved me.” he tacks on after a beat. 

“I didn’t-” 

“She trapped me in a dream, but as a ghost I can’t exactly wake up like a normal person. I would have been stuck there for a while,” he insists. 

Oh. Well, it’s a good thing you decided to find him. 

“There’s... something different about you,” Theo says, changing the subject. 

“Is there?” 

“There is.” 

Next

[digitalsatyr23]

Stampede vs Original Trigun

So I know a lot of people on here really liked Trigun Stampede, and I went in watching it with a pretty open mind because, believe it or not, I hadn’t actually watched the original Trigun up until that point. No specific reason, just never got around to it. When I heard that Stampede was going to be a fresh new take on it, I thought “Cool, since I’m not attached to the original series then this should work out just fine for me.” Well... I can see why some people like it, but it really isn’t for me. My understanding was always that Vash was a big pacifist, but Stampede’s Vash is such a non-main character. He gets a few cool moments here and there (and even I was hyped during that finale) but he does SO LITTLE in that entire season, other characters actively berate him for not doing stuff. Stampede did motivate me to try the original though. I thought the original would be merely “okay” since it’s an older show and I just wasn’t sure if it would hold up but got daym, its reputation is well-earned. The characters are all so fun and likable right out the gate and they’re both consistent and have lots of nice subtle layers to them. Vash in particular is a really great main character to see on-screen. He has his low moments but it all feels more authentic, in a way. Stampede’s Vash had his moments and I could totally understand WHY he felt the way he did, but he was basically a sadsack the entire time after like... I don’t know, the first episode? OG Vash is a sadsack sometimes and it’s clear that he’s really carrying around a lot of guilt and depression, so his goofy exterior seems to be a coping mechanism for those feelings. At the same time, he still stands up for others when he needs to and he also has genuine moments of anger, happiness, and peace. What I’m saying is original Vash just feels like a more fleshed out character to me. I’ve also really enjoyed the original’s rendition of Wolfwood so far. He’s quite a bit goofier than I expected him to be, but he bounces off the other characters rather nicely and he feels like a true buddy for Vash. The shooting contest episode was great because it helps highlight the similarities (and differences) between Vash and Wolfwood. I did enjoy Stampede’s Wolfwood but again, just like Stampede Vash, he felt like he really had one main character mode, and that was grumpy. Grumpy is fine (especially given the situations he ends up in) but a little variety never hurts, you know? And Milly? Milly??? I can see why people were sad she wasn’t in Stampede’s first season, because she’s such a treat. She’s funny, adorable, and always fun to see. Never a dull moment with her. She’s usually in the background most of the time but I notice she’s really observant for how airheaded they play her off as. Makes me wonder how they’ll handle her in Stampede S2. Also also, I do want to say I don’t 100% hate Trigun Stampede or anything. I really loved its art style and animation. It really pulls off the cartoony vibes original Trigun had sometimes, but in 3D so it’s even more lively, and the few traditionally animated sequences (such as Wolfwood’s backstory) were real highlights in that season. I just feel like the writing and characters in Stampede lack the depth and fun the original has. The old show has me hooked! I haven’t finished it yet so my opinion may change, but at least from what I’ve seen, I adore it.

[forevfangirlwrites]

Hii I love ur writing!! Can u pls write on the prompt " falling to his knees crying into his lovers stomach" for percabeth pls ? It's totally cool of u don't want to. Thank u

It’s scary how sometimes even love isn’t enough. How people can leave even after what feels like a lifetime together, how people can outgrow things they once believed they could never live without.

It’s scary how life can change so drastically.

And maybe it’s scarier how we all adjust to it. How time and perspective can ease feelings that once lived so strongly.

It’s scary how we have the capacity to let go.

Annabeth doesn’t think she wants to let go. Even if it hurts, she wants to hold on to the pain because it means something. It means that it was real. It wouldn’t hurt this much if it wasn’t.

Time, she’s learned, is meaningless when it comes to this. Even after five years of being by your side people can still leave. Even after wading through the trenches and fighting alongside you, people can walk away. Even love can fall short.

There is never a guarantee. She would know. She watched Luke leave.

And it hurt. So much. She didn’t think it would ever go away.

But then it did.

That scared her more than the hurt because wasn’t she supposed to feel this way forever? Didn’t she care deeply? How could the feeling just fade into an occasional throb? This was once her life…

It isn’t her life anymore.

And it scares her now that one day she could look at him and not feel the pang of hurt. She never wants there to be a time she looks at him and feels nothing, she’d rather feel the pain.

She doesn’t want to outgrow Percy.

If only the years they spent together promised something, if only what they went through was a guarantee, if only their love would be enough. But she knows she can’t expect that, knows that despite all of those things, he can leave.

Well…maybe he already has.

And it’s because she let him.

Tears pool in her eyes as she replays the last moments of their fight. Tired and hurt, she had told him if he wants to leave, he should. The one person she wanted to clutch as closely as possible to her chest, she’d loosened her grip…

And then watched him leave.

Her vision blurs again and her chest is painfully tight as she stutters through a breath. She doesn’t hear the door open, but she feels a hand cover her own.

“Annabeth.”

His voice is a lifeboat in her sea of tears, her sole focus becomes that.

“Annabeth, I’m so sorry.”

He sinks to the floor, wrapping his arms around her hips. “Please,” he stutters out.

His voice is so broken it breaks her heart even more, so she tugs him up. She doesn’t want to see him like that either. His eyes are red, tears freely flowing down his cheeks.

Annabeth can’t trust her voice, so she just pulls him closer and stands in his embrace. It’s all too much but the only thought in her mind is that he’s here. He came back.

They stay like that until the tears dry up and she manages to pull away enough to actually look at him.

“It’s okay.” Her voice is hoarse from the crying and disuse.

He shakes his head. “No, it isn’t. I don’t want to leave. I never did and I never will.”

Words she’s never believed… until this very moment.

It’s scary our capacity to let go, for life to change

And yet the opposite also holds true.

It’s beautiful our capacity to stay, for life to bring back what’s meant to be.

This entire time Annabeth’s been deathly afraid of losing Percy, knowing there isn’t any guarantee that he’ll be there. And yet, she let him go.

And he came back.

She doesn’t need a promise anymore, because even if time and experience aren’t enough, love…

“I know,” she tells him. “I don’t either.”

He doesn’t respond, just pulls her back into the hug as if he too can’t bear to be apart. She nestles back into his arms with the knowledge that everything will be okay.

She won’t outgrow Percy because she chooses not to. He won’t leave because he chooses not to.

Because, if you choose love…

It’s always enough.

A/N: I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of loosing your grip on things. As someone who clutches tightly, I’m learning to trust that if something is meant to be, meant to happen, it will never leave or come back. We can’t make people stay by holding on, but the right people will stay without that. Ultimately with love it’s a choice. We have to choose it every day. As humans our capacity to change and adapt is fascinating, how we outgrow some things then fall so deeply into others that we never would have expected.

Thank you for the prompt (I hope you liked how it turned out)! I’m going to be using this to kick off my “new” series on ao3 Semantics of Love 3 (the original series is on ffn and will be migrating slowly to ao3 as well)

[our-time-is-now]

September 15, 2019 (3): Let me give you a tight hug, Brudi!

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.  

Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Sunday, 2:07 pm:

David: *is lazing about on the bed with Matteo and has chatted with him for a little while after he returned from the bathroom* *then eventually hears a knock, smiles because he knows that it has to be the others, sits up painfully to scoot over to the edge of the bed before calling* Yeees? *sees the door open a crack and Carlos sticking his head in: “Yep, that’s the right room…”* *grins slightly and sees the door being opened wider and everyone coming in, Alex really with his phone in hand and Mia on the screen* *beams at everyone and barely realizes who is saying what in all the hubbub* *definitely hears Hanna laugh and ask if they’ll even all fit into the room, and Jonas who happily realizes that it’s a single room and that they’ll surely all fit in* *then hears Carlos ask: “Hey, Brudi, how is it? Are we already allowed to hug you or would that somehow totally hurt or something?”* *hesitates briefly but then says* Umm, yes, you can… as long as you don’t squeeze too tightly… *looks up, sees Carlos beam, and step toward him first: “Let me give you a tight hug, Brudi! Nice that you have it over with!”* *then really gets hugged by everyone and hears Mia through Alex’ phone that she also hugged him mentally and that she’s happy that the surgery went well*

Matteo: *gets up from the bed when there’s a knock* *grins slightly and watches the hubbub when everyone greets them, but is also carefully making sure that they won’t squeeze David too tightly* *waves at Mia when Alex turns the phone in his direction, as well* *sees Carlos sit down on the bed next to David and the others sit down either on the windowsill or lean against the wardrobe* Umm… the nurse said that there’s some sort of common room down the hall, we can steal some chairs from there… *sees Jonas move immediately: “Come on, Abdi, we’ll go get a few.”* *sees Abdi jump up immediately and follow Jonas* *hears Alex ask after they are gone: “So? How are you doing? I mean really?”* *has to grin slightly, because that also could have come from him*

David: *smiles when Abdi and Jonas really immediately go to get a couple of chairs* *also sits down on the bed again and scoots a little toward Carlos, so that Matteo can also sit down again* *then looks at Alex, who’s leaning against the wardrobe, and laughs quietly at his question* *can feel it pinching pretty badly again and says* Laughing isn’t good, for one… *then exhales slightly and says* Well if I don’t really move much then it’s alright… walking is also okay… getting up and lying back down and anything that somehow moves the abdominal muscles… that’s not really that good, yet… *smiles broadly* But apart from that I’m doing great… I’m just super… happy… *slightly shrugs one shoulder and sees everyone else smile broadly, as well* *gets a small fluttering in is gut because everyone is so happy with him* *then hears Hanna ask: “And did you already see the result?”* *nods* Yes, already on the first day… *grins slightly* But then everything was still full of iodine and residue from the bandages and so on… but now everything’s cleaned up… it’s still a little swollen, but… yeah… looks pretty good I think… *hears Hanna: “Only pretty good?! Admit it - you’re thrilled…”* *laughs quietly and a little embarrassed* Yes, true… it’s just finally the way it’s supposed to be… *now hears Carlos: “And did Luigi already see it as well? What do you think, Brudi? Does it look pretty good?”*

Matteo: *listens to David and is really quite glad that he’s honest to their friends* *grins slightly when he tells them about the result* *then laughs at Carlos’ question and hears Hanna laugh quietly* *nods* Yep, I already saw it… looks hot… *hears Sam and Carlos laugh and hears Carlos say: “But hey, then we can also see it, can’t we?”* *sees Hanna shake her head in amusement and David shake his head in hesitation and hears Carlos again: “I don’t get it, if Luigi saw it then we can also see it, can’t we?”* *laughs and shakes his head and then looks at Kiki* Hey, Kiki, will you show me your breasts? I mean, Carlos has also already seen them, right? Why can Carlos see them but I can’t?

David: *briefly elbows Matteo in the ribs when he says that the result looks hot and blushes a little and gets embarrassed* *then hears Carlos’ question and shakes his head in hesitation* *finds it somehow a little too soon* *then grins slightly when Carlos argues that Matteo has also already seen his chest and laughs at Matteo’s question to Kiki* *holds his belly a second later and stops abruptly* *sees Kiki laugh as well and shake her head: “I’m sorry, Matteo…”* *hears Carlos groan and murmur that this is something completely different* *explains consolingly* There are bandaids on it right now, anyways - you wouldn’t be able to see much… *hears Mia over the phone: “And how long will the bandaids stay on?”* *looks at her and says* Hmmm… for a few weeks… until the nipples are healed completely… they get changed every day… at home I’ll have to do it myself. *then sees the door open again and Jonas and Abdi coming in with two chairs each and get greeted by cheers and sees Amira, Sam, Kiki and Abdi immediately grab one of the chairs and sees Jonas join Hanna on the windowsill* *hears Jonas ask: “And what did we miss?” and hears Sam answer: “Not so much. Kiki and David don’t want to show their breasts…”* *sees Jonas frown and grins slightly while Abdi asks. “Hey, but David, when will we be allowed to have a look?!* *hears Mia laugh: “Interesting… for Abdi, the prospect of seeing David’s chest seems to be more interesting than Kiki’s…”* *grins slightly and answers Abdi* We’ll see… once everything is healed a little better… I’ll have to put on bandaids for a few weeks for now…

Matteo: *cheers along when Jonas and Abdi return with the chairs, even though he has a comfortable seat* *then laughs at Sam’s answer to Jonas’ question and laughs a little more when there aren’t any further questions* *then grins at Mia’s comment and represses a comment himself, so that he won’t snub Kiki* *hears her say: “Alright, I know the topic of the day seems to be chests, but personally, I think we’ve talked about this enough. We brought you something…”* *sees Amira pull out a big packet from a bag and sees Alex take out a basket from somewhere that he hadn’t even noticed being brought inside* *grins slightly when Alex hands Kiki the basket so that she can hand it over* *but quickly takes it off her when she wants to put it on David’s lap* I’ll keep a hold of that… *hears everyone laugh and realizes only now that they must think that he’s doing it because of the food, and not so that David doesn’t have to hold it* *leaves it at that* *sees Amira hand the packet over and put it in David’s lap and hears her say: “From all of us, congratulations… or whatever one says to that…”* *laughs slightly and says* Hans says “Bye bye breasts and Bye bye uterus party”.

David: *grins a little embarrassed when Kiki says that they brought him something and slightly shakes his head* You really didn’t have to… it’s enough that you’re here… *hears Alex: “Shut it, Schreibner!” and Hanna: “Exactly! When you visit someone in the hospital then you bring them something… and the patient doesn’t get a say in it…”* *throws the two of them a slight secretary’s-office-look, but smiles and is happy that they thought of him* *sees Kiki take the basket from Alex and then sees a majority of the things that Matteo put on the shopping list for Alex* *looks at Matteo lovingly when he stops Kiki from putting the basket in his lap and murmurs a quiet “thanks” before taking a closer look at the contents of the basket* *smiles at everyone* Thanks… *laughs slightly and briefly because ouch* You do know that hopefully I won’t be here for too much longer… you’ll all going to have to help me with eating all of that… *sees Alex shake his head: “It’s yours! What you don’t eat you’ll just take back home with you…”* *briefly smiles at Matteo when Alex mentions “home”, but then turns to the others again when Amira urges: “Come on, open it!”* *grins slightly and starts to rip the paper open* *first sees a frame with the photo from Heidesee with all of them, and beams* Wow… thanks! *sees Abdi beaming as well: “You can put that on your nightstand… so that you won’t forget about us and so on…”* *grins* I won’t forget about you… *hears Jonas: “And as a reminder: Our first and last holiday together with swim binders…” and Carlos: “Hey, what are we even going to do with those things now?”, but also Amira: “Could you maybe discuss this later? David should keep unpacking…”* *takes the frame out of the paper and can see something handmade underneath it… some sort of notepad or book* *pulls it out, turns it right-side up and reads on the front: “Get-well coupons”* *grins slightly at everyone and turns the first page* *sees a handmade and hand-drawn coupon: “Coupon for a home cooked meal of your choice - redeemable with Kiki”* *smiles broadly, turns to the next page and reads: “Coupon for a spontaneous supermarket trip - redeemable with Hanna”* *smiles even broader and wants to turn to the next page when Abdi says: “Each of us came up with something… but in the back there are also a few blank coupons, in case you also have some other ideas… you’re more creative than we are…”* *now also hears Hanna: “And they’re all valid until you’re completely fit again!” and Jonas: “And you /have to/ redeem all of them - those are the rules!”* *beams at everyone* You are incredible… thanks! *then leans a little further over to Matteo so that he can also have a look and turns to the next page*

Matteo: *grins slightly when the friends don’t accept any backtalk when it’s about the gifts* *puts the basket down on the floor in front of the nightstand* *only gives David a brief smile when he thanks him and another more loving smile when he looks at him at the words “home”* *then watches him unpack and finds the photo really cool* First on the nightstand here and then on our wall, right? *looks at Carlos when he asks what they are going to do with the swim binders* You can put it on your wall as a souvenir or… *but then hears Amira and stops* *looks back to David when he pulls something else out and has to grin broadly because that’s really a cute idea* *then laughs slightly* I would have a few ideas for the blank vouchers… vacuuming, cleaning the windows… *hears Carlos say indignantly: “No, no, hang on! Not like that! They’re not for you! You don’t have any say… did you even gift him anything?”* *briefly looks a little flabbergasted, because he really didn’t think of that, but then hears Jonas: “Shut it, Carlos, his existence is enough of a gift!”*

David: *hums in agreement when Matteo says that the photo will go on their wall later and thinks that he actually also needs a photo of Matteo and himself for the nightstand* *grins at Matteo’s ideas for the blank coupons and nods slightly* *but then hears Carlos’ objections and his question to Matteo and immediately shakes his head a little* *then nods at Jonas’ words and reaches for Matteo’s hand* *adds* And he was there when I woke up… and before the surgery… and anyways… *could name numerous more things where Matteo’s existence was a gift for him, but thinks that it’s too personal and therefore stops* *but then hears Amira: “Well you’re easy to please…”* *pfffs and grins slightly* *lifts Matteo’s hand to his lips and presses a kiss to the back of his hand* I’m just not that interested in material things… *lifts the coupon book with his Matteo-free hand and adds* …but this is a really good idea! I’m afraid I’ll really have to make use of some of those things… *sees Carlos shake his head: “ He’s /afraid/…” and hears Jonas say: “Hey, just do it… I mean, it’s obvious that you have to take it easy, but I read that the movement of the arms is also really restricted… that you can’t stretch and so on… and I think you can also forget about your abdominal muscles for now, as well…”* *sighs and nods* Oh yes… *grins slightly* To be honest, I don’t even know how I’m supposed to get out of Alex’ car when he drives me back to the flatshare… *hears Hanna suggest: “You can already use one of the blank coupons: Alex has to help you with getting out of the car…” and hears Alex answer firmly. “He doesn’t need a coupon for that, I’m going to do that, anyways…”* *grins slightly at him*

Matteo: *grins when Amira says that David is easy to please* Nonsense… he just knows what’s good… *grins slightly* *shakes his head when David says that he’s /afraid/ and agrees with Carlos* Not being afraid, you have to make use of all of them, it’s great… and the thing with the arms really is true… *then looks at Alex gratefully when he says that he was going to help him anyways* *but then voices quietly* But don’t pull /on/ his arms, yeah? You have to support him, not pull him… *sees Alex throw him a reproachful look: “Don’t worry, Florenzi, I won’t break him…” and Abdi, who’s sitting next to Alex, beams: “Uh, did you hear that? Luigi received a “Florenzi” from Alex…”* *laughs slightly* Is that a compliment? *then hears Mia calling “Yes” and laughs*

David: *looks between Matteo, Alex and Abdi a little amusedly and then laughs quietly with the others when Mia adds her comment, but holds his stomach a second later* *hears Sam say: “Hey, guys, stop being funny! David is really in pain when he laughs…”* *hears everyone immediately stop laughing and hears Abdi apologize seriously, which causes him to laugh quietly again* *sees Amira turning to Sam: “I didn’t know that you could be so caring, Sam…” and Kiki say in response: “Sure, Sam is totally caring…”* *sees Sam smile: “Thanks…” and hears Kiki add: “Not as caring as Matteo… but she is…”* *grins slightly and leans against Matteo while Hanna says: “...or David…” and Kiki adds again: “Exactly, or David…”* *is still grinning a little* *hears Hanna tell them: “Jonas told us about your recording for Matteo… A really cute idea!” and hears Abdi complain: “Hey, we also helped!”* *nods, but hears Kiki: “Yes but the idea was David’s…” and sees Hanna turn to Matteo: “Did it help? Were you less nervous with David in your ears?”*

Matteo: *immediately stops laughing and looks at Sam gratefully* *shakes his head when the discussion about who is more caring starts up* *grins slightly* Yes, a really cute idea… *looks at David and sticks his tongue out at him, because he’s known for being fond of being told how cute he is* *but then looks at Hanna when he hears her question and gets serious again* Mhm… yes… well, I was still worried and it was still difficult, but it definitely made time go by faster and he also said a few good things… *grins slightly and hears Kiki: “Oh like what?”* *slightly shakes his head* That I should go to Subway so that I won’t starve… *sees Kiki looking a little confused and hears Sam: “Oh man, Kiki, that’s private and so on…” and Kiki remorsefully: “Oh yes, okay, then just say that. Carlos, will you also do a 5 hour voice message for me once I’m in Halle?”* *grins when Carlos turns to David: “Hey, guys, you really have to stop with that… you always do such cute things that are then also demanded from us!”*

David: *gives Matteo the secretary’s-office-look when he repeats “cute”, because he knows exactly that he only does it to tease him* *but still grins slightly* *is quiet at the others’ words about the recording, because for him, it wasn’t really a big deal and because it’s actually something between Matteo and him that’s no one else’s business* *was about to somehow distract Kiki when he hears her questions when Sam already says that it was surely private and nods* *then grins slightly at Kiki’s demand to Carlos and laughs quietly (ouch) at Carlos’ words* Hmm… nope, sorry! Besides: if you hadn’t been at the flatshare last weekend and if we hadn’t talked about the surgery then it also would have stayed private and no one would have known about it… *slightly grins at Matteo* Maybe we should be careful that in the future, all the “cute things” won’t be public knowledge… otherwise the others feel pressured… *would love to kiss him briefly now, but can’t really reach him and sighs quietly* *hears Mia from Alex’ phone: “I think each couple does cute things for each other… you can’t really compare all of that…” and hears Jonas agreeing with her while Amira says. “Exactly! Stop complaining! No one does anything cute for Sam, Abdi and me!”*

Matteo: *shrugs one shoulder when David says that no one would have needed to know about it* *then shakes his head at his suggestion* No, I don’t think so… if Carlos isn’t cute enough with Kiki, then that’s not our fault… *slightly grins at him* *then hears Mia and nods* Exactly! Everyone as he’s able to and wants to and all that. *looks at Amira when he hears her words* Yes, that’s much worse… the eternal suffering of the singles… *hears Jonas sigh: “We’ve all been there…” and Alex add: “Oh, being cute isn’t all there is, is there?”* *laughs and looks at Alex* Man, that’s a surprise… *hears Mia from the phone: “Alex can also be very cute” and hears Alex reply: “But Alex can definitely accidentally end the call…”*

David: *grins slightly when Matteo says that it’s not their fault if Carlos isn’t cute enough, but immediately hears Kiki: “Well, I think Carlos is cute enough!” and sees Carlos beam: “Thanks babe!”* *then follows the ensuing discussion in amusement and is pretty convinced that Mia is right and that Alex can be very cute* *grins when he threatens to end the call and grins even more when Amira sighs: “Yes, too bad that no one else in here has skype on their phone and that Mia is completely dependent on you…”* I also think that Alex can be cute! *gets an angry stare from Alex and laughs quietly (ouch), while Jonas says: “I think we all can be cute… it’s just that some of us like to admit it more than others…”* *thinks that he’s right about that and that he doesn’t like being called cute himself, either* *then realizes that over the course of the discussion he has somehow scooted too close to Matteo and that now his chest is in a weird angle and that it starts to hurt* *slowly sits up a little again*

Matteo: *also follows the ensuing discussion slightly amused* *then feels David scoot more against him and runs a hand over his back* *sees him sitting up again and looks around* *says quietly* You need something to lean against, don’t you? Why don’t you lie back down again… or should we go downstairs? *looks at him questioningly and a little worriedly and tunes out the others for a moment*

David: *leans against the wall and stretches a little* *then hears Matteo’s question and listens to his body for a moment* *looks over at him and says quietly* I’ll try the wall first… but if it doesn’t get better soon, then yes… *reaches for his hand and entwines their fingers* *smiles slightly and stretches his head out toward him* *asks very quietly and pleadingly* Kiss? *barely notices the friends starting to talk about Carlos and Abdi’s new apartment and the renovation*

Matteo: *sees him sit down further back on the bed and scoots back together with him and also leans against the wall* *nods slightly when he says that he’ll try it like this first* Okay… *squeezes his hand and smiles slightly* *then smiles wider at his question* Always… *leans toward him and kisses him briefly* *then hears Abdi: “Hey, Luigi, you’ll be there next weekend, won’t you?”* *looks at him a little confused and hears him explain: “Apartment, Carlos and I, renovating?”* *nods immediately* Oh, yes, sure, I’ll be there…

David: *smiles widely at Matteo’s answer and sighs quietly when he gets a kiss* *then grumbles quietly in protest when Abdi interrupts them, but is aware of what he’s talking about relatively quickly* *looks between the boys* Hmm? Didn’t we want to cook? *hears Carlos answer: “We can still do that… Saturday evening at Alex’ - like we agreed.” and Abdi: “Yes, sure… then we won’t work too late on Saturday, we’ll all go home quickly to have a shower and then meet at Alex’”* *nods in understanding while Jonas says: “Yes, if Mister Schmidt could just tell us what he’d like to cook…” whereupon he sees Carlos turning to Kiki: “KIki, what should we cook?!”* *grins slightly when Kiki asks a little confused: “I’m supposed to decide that now?!” and sees Carlos nod: “Yes, tell me what I should learn… then I’ll cook that for you…”* *exchanges a brief glance with Alex and wonders if his offer to pick him up still stands* *considers if he’ll already be fit enough next weekend to come along to Carlos and Abdi’s new apartment to at least have a look at it, or if that might still be too straining* *sighs quietly because he’d really love to plan, but can’t estimate how he’ll feel next weekend*

Matteo: *sees David looking at Alex and Alex looking back* *doesn’t really know what it’s about and is surprised to see that Alex seems to understand and that he nods at David while Kiki decides: “Hmmm, then I want vegan vegetable casserole!”* *laughs* So you want Carlos to learn how to chop vegetables? *sees Abdi grin: “We can manage that!” and hears Carlos sum it up happily: “So that’s agreed, yes? On Saturday we’ll do the apartment first and then we’ll go to Alex’”* *nods slightly, shrugs one shoulder and looks at David* What do you think? Will you come along to cheer us on or will that be too much? *hears Jonas suggest: “We can build you a throne from where you can oversee everything”, hears Abdi ask confusedly: “A throooone??” and hears Jonas again: “Yeah, man, a chair with a lot of pillows and such.”* *grins slightly but keeps looking at David questioningly*

David: *frowns slightly when Kiki wishes for vegan casserole* *grins slightly* Maybe we can do two versions of casserole… one vegan and one non-vegan? *hears Jonas laugh: “Good idea, then you can take the vegan one home for Kiki and we’ll eat the other one…”* *then hears Matteo’s question for him and hesitates* *really doesn’t know if it will be possible* *then smiles slightly at Jonas’ suggestion, but also keeps looking at Matteo* I don’t know… I’d really love to… *grins slightly* And the prospect of having a throne isn’t bad, either, of course… *then hears Alex suggest: “Hey, how about on Saturday I’ll first take care of the shopping and will then join you for renovating… I’ll pick you up on the way to the new apartment and if you feel that you can’t do it any longer, then I’ll drive you back to the flatshare… or to my place already and put you on the couch there…”* *looks at him and smiles broadly* That would be nice… gladly… if that’s okay for you!? *hears Alex sigh and answer mock-annoyed: “Would I have suggested it if it wasn’t, Schreibner!?”* *grins slightly and shrugs one shoulder while he hears Sam say: “Alex is getting really caring since he’s been hanging out with you guys…”* *smiles to himself because all of that somehow feels really good… that he isn’t overlooked, that someone shows consideration for him and that the friends worry* *has this big feeling of thankfulness inside him again and presses his leg against Matteo’s to have more physical contact, because he thinks, once again, that he wouldn’t have this experience without Matteo*

Matteo: *looks at Alex when he makes his suggestion* *is immediately very grateful, because that sounds really good and because it offers David good flexibility* That sounds great, thanks… *then grins slightly when Sam mentions how caring Alex is getting* Maybe he’s always been caring but didn’t feel like showing it to us? *hears Alex laugh and nod: “That’s how it is.”* *looks at David when he presses his leg against his, because he thinks that something is wrong* *but then sees how content David looks and smiles* *but then hears Carlos: “Man, Brudi, I know that was our gift, but I’m really hungry… will you let us have some of it?”* *shakes his head* We can also go downstairs to the hospital café, they have cake and stuff like that? *sees Hanna looking at David worriedly: “Are you already able to walk around, David?”*

David: *grins at Alex’ explanation to his social behavior* *then hears Carlos’ question, grins even wider and was just about to nod when he hears Matteo’s suggestion* *looks at the others questioningly and can see general interest* *smiles at Hanna’s question and nods* Yes, that’s alright… that’s even better than sitting up… *sees Kiki nod sympathetically: “Yes, sure… sitting up is really strenuous on your abdomen…” and Carlos agreeing enthusiastically: “Cake sounds really awesome…”* *turns to Alex and the phone when he hears Mia say: “Guys, I’ll leave you to it now… I still have to prepare something for my internship… David, keep getting well! Recuperate well…” and hears Hanna reacting immediately: “Mia, we’ll talk on the phone later, just like we planned, right?” whereupon Mia answers: “Sure… have fun, guys! I miss you!”* *hears general murmuring that they also miss Mia, but immediately thanks her that Mia was there this way and waits for everyone to say their goodbyes and for Mia to finally end the video call, and sees Alex putting his phone back in his pocket* *hears Jonas ask: “Shall we go straight away?” and hers everyone agreeing, but clears his throat once* Why don’t you guys already go ahead… I have to go to the bathroom and I’m slower than you guys, anyways… you can already secure us a table… *hears Abdi: “And already order!” and Carlos: “Right! What do you want, Brudi? Coffee? Cake?”* *smiles and nods* Sounds both good… thanks! *sees everyone start collecting their things*

Matteo: *says his goodbyes to Mia by waving and calling and such fuss* *scoots forward when everyone starts getting ready to leave* *then hears David and quickly looks back to him to see if everything is okay* Umm… yes, I also have to go to the bathroom… we’ll join you in a minute… *sees understanding grins and hears Jonas say: “Alright, see you then, we’ll order coffee and cake for you guys, as well…”* *watches as everyone leaves the room and sees Alex, being the last one to leave, shut the door behind him* *looks at David and smiles a little cheekily* I don’t really have to go to the bathroom… but I’ll wait here for you, ok?

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that he also has to go to the bathroom and laughs quietly when he admits, once they’re alone, that he doesn’t have to go, after all* *scoots forward on the bed only now that everyone’s gone, because he knows exactly that it’ll hurt and he didn’t want the others to watch him struggle* *takes a deep breath when he’s finally sitting on the edge of the bed next to Matteo and says quietly* Little white lies for two minutes of alone-time… I like that… *grins slightly and gets up* *but then turns to Matteo instead of going to the bathroom and steps between his legs* *puts a hand on his shoulder and runs his other through his hair before he presses a kiss to his forehead* *murmurs* I don’t have to go thaaat urgently…

Matteo: *grins slightly when he sees through his white lie* Exactly… *watches him as he gets up and was just about to ask him if he needs help when he manages it* *smiles when he turns around to him instead of going to the bathroom* *wraps his arms around his waist and looks up at him* *grins* What a coincidence… *but then also gets up so that David doesn’t have to lean down so much* *kisses him briefly but tenderly and runs a hand through his hair* If it gets too much for you, then you’ll tell me, okay? Then I’ll kick the lot out, ok?

David: *smiles when Matteo gets up and when he gets a proper kiss* *wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him closer* *puts his forehead against his when he runs a hand through his hair and nods at his worries* *smiles slightly* I’ll tell you… don’t worry… *quickly kisses him again and murmurs* I think standing up and walking for a little bit now isn’t a bad idea… and if sitting is getting too much again downstairs then I’ll just go back up and lie down for a while… *kisses him again, this time a little longer, and eventually pulls away from the kiss* *looks at him lovingly, but finally pulls away completely* But I really do have to pee… I’ll be right back… *he ”quickly” disappears to the bathroom, does his business, then washes his hands and runs a hand through his hair before going back to the room*

Matteo: *nods when he agrees* Okay good… *kisses him back and then looks at him just as lovingly* *then smiles slightly* Alright… *sits down on the bed again and waits for David* *gets up when he comes back and reaches for his hand* Then let’s go… *takes the lift down with him, goes toward the café and then laughs* You can’t miss them. *sees the whole group in the café and sees that they have pushed three tables together and that there are two empty chairs between Jonas and Alex, and sits down on the one next to Jonas* *hears Carlos announce: “We already ordered lots of coffee and cake, we simply told them to bring us 10 slices, we’ll see what they’ll bring over…”*

David: *goes downstairs with Matteo and smiles slightly when he says that you can’t miss the friends* They’re surely used to worse in that café… *then sees that the chairs between Alex and Jonas are still empty and lets go of Matteo’s hand when they sit down* *smiles at Carlos’ information and nods* *hears Jonas ask Matteo: “And you also wanted coffee, right?”! *sees Amira turn to him and ask: “Do you already know when you’ll be able to go home, David?”* *looks over at her and slightly shrugs one shoulder* Well my sister thinks only on Friday… but it’s more common to go home on the fifth or sixth day after the double surgery… so my plan would be on Wednesday… *hears Alex say with a slight grin: “And if David has a plan…”*

Matteo: *nods at Jonas* Yes, coffee is great, thanks… *then listens to the conversation and grimaces when David says Friday* *wants to say something to that when he hears Alex* *grins* …then it is seen through! *hears a few people laugh and nod and hears Amira say: “But you also look really fit again already…”* *sees Sam nod and agree: “I think so, too, or do they still have to treat anything? You can also recuperate from home, can’t you?”*

David: *laughs quietly (ouch) at Alex and Matteo’s words and nods* Exactly… *also hears the others laughing and then hears Amira and Sam* *briefly presses his lips together and then explains* Well I still get my nipples lasered twice daily… that helps with healing… and… well they took out the drainages this morning, so my chest seems to heal well… but… *hesitates, because that’s somehow embarrassing, but quickly adds, after all* …they still have to observe my abdomen… fluids and all that… *but thinks that this has also already gotten much better, because last night it stopped bleeding almost completely and because now there’s almost only exudate coming out* *but naturally doesn’t share those details with the others and is quite glad when just then the waitress arrives with the beverages* *hears her say: “Cake will be there in a minute…”* *pulls his coffee toward him and hears Kiki ask: “But is that normal? Well, that the abdomen takes longer to heal than the chest?”* *nods while Abdi asks: “And what kind of laser is that? Like Star Wars or what?!”* *grins* No, it does look a little different… Matteo could take a photo later… I’ll have another session at 5:30. *has to grin when Carlos is so happy: “Yeah, awesome, Brudi, do that! Then we’ll see David’s chest, after all!” and immediately says* A photo of the laser - not me!

Matteo: *pulls the coffee toward him and blows into it* *grins slightly at the conversation and is then also a little surprised when David mentions a photo* *also understood it the way Carlos did* *but then nods* Yes, sure, I can do that… really looks a little spacey so… *hears Carlos being impressed: “Sounds somehow wicked…”* *shrugs one shoulder* As long as it helps, right?

David: *sips his coffee and leans back in his chair to relax his muscles while listening to the others’ conversation and Amira says: “But they’ve been using lasers for a while now to support wound healing…”* *hears Carlos say confused: “I’ve never heard of that before…” and lets his thoughts wander a little when Amira starts a detailed lecture* *reaches for Matteo’s hand again while listening with half an ear, and then smiles when the cake arrives and a discussion about who will get which slice starts and hears Hanna finally say that he and then Matteo can have the first pick, because they’re both stuck here and don’t have as easy access to delicious things* *grins because he has to think about the fact that they’re basically sitting right at the source and that upstairs there’s an entire basket and half a nightstand full of delicious things, but then still picks a random slice of cake and waits until everyone has their own cake before he starts eating* *hears Kiki say: “By the way, I finally have the rental agreement for my dorm room… about time!” and hears Hanna groan: “I don’t even want to think about the fact that you’ll be so far away… can’t we just ignore it until it’s time?!”* *was just popping a piece of cake into his mouth when Sam says: “I’m also in favor of ignoring it… until the goodbye party…” and hears Jonas ask: “There’s a party? Why don’t I know anything about that?” while Kiki immediately shakes her head: “No, not a real party… I thought that maybe we could all meet up at the lake again before I move… really cozy with blankets, barbecue, food and so on… depending on the weather… otherwise maybe at a café or something…

Matteo: *also tunes out during the lecture about wound healing* *grins at Hanna’s suggestion and reaches for a slice of cake after David* *then perks up when he hears talk about a party* I’d find the lake really nice… when would it be? *hears Kiki answer: “Well, I’ll move on the first weekend in October… so maybe really on the last evening? On the 4th?”* *thinks briefly if they already have plans that day and then nods* *sees all the others nod, as well, and sees Carlos looking a little dejected* *therefore changes the topic* And what about you, Coach, big party for your birthday? Or is it secret and that’s why we didn’t get an invitation?

David: *nods when Kiki says the date* *thinks that by then he’ll definitely be a little fitter already than he is now* *then also sees Carlos looking dejected and thinks that they’ll definitely have to do a similar program to the one they did for Alex or the others did for him when Matteo was away for his voluntary-year-weekend* *looks at Amira when Matteo asks about her birthday and immediately asks* When is your birthday? *hears her answer: “On September 24th… man, guys, I don’t know… it would really suck at my place… my brothers would definitely also be there and I want to subject neither you guys nor myself to that… maybe I’ll just invite you to a café or something…”* *nods slightly when Kiki suggests: “Hey, or we’ll celebrate together. Your birthday and my goodbye…” and hears Abdi being thrilled about it immediately: “Double party… nice…”* *hears Amira say with a smile: “Hey, if that’s okay for you then I’d love that!” and hears Kiki answer thrilled: “Sure, why not? We could both prepare a little something to eat and could split the bill on the shopping in two… this way it’ll cost less…”* *grins when Amira laughs and suspects: “Oh that’s why you want me to celebrate with you… isn’t there anyone else who wants to celebrate something? So that it will cost even less?!”* *grins and was just about to have another sip of his coffee when he remembers something* I wanted to celebrate my mastectomy and burn one or two binders that are too worn to donate them… so symbolically… we could gladly also do it on that day…

Matteo: *laughs slightly when they are talking about splitting the costs* Hey, if that’s the problem then all of us could also contribute something, than that would be our gift… *but hears Kiki say: “No, I want a real goodbye present!”* *laughs together with the others* *but then hears David and nods* Right… we wanted to do that sooner, but actually that’s also a good day for it… if we’re having a barbecue, anyways, then we can also have a little bonfire… *grins when Hanna says: “Yes, cool, let’s do that… may I also throw my school books in, as well?”* Sure, the fire is there for everyone!

David: *grins when Kiki says that she wants a real goodbye present and thinks that surely the girls will take care of that because they know Kiki better* *but is still going to ask about it in ok.cool. later, also about Amira’s birthday party, what is usual for them - if you buy a gift together or if you buy them individually* *then nods at the words about the barbecue and the fire and laughs quietly when Matteo says that the fire is there for everyone* *hears Sam suggest: “We should all throw our school books in there - no more school, how awesome!” and sees Jonas grin: “Nice… but if we all burn something then maybe something more symbolic…”* *smiles because he likes the suggestion but then hears Abdi: “Huh? What do you mean?” and hears Jonas explain: “Well, David burns his binder as a symbol for having put that topic behind him completely. Okay, we also have that with school… but… no idea, if say, one of us wanted to stop smoking weed, then he could throw his last weed into the fire or something…”* *has to grin when Carlos immediately complains: “Hey, that would be a complete waste!” and sees Jonas rolling his eyes: “That was only an example!”* *hears Hanna: “Yes, I get it… if someone wants to lose weight then we throw chocolate into the fire… or if someone says that I don’t want anything to do with a certain person anymore then we throw a photo of that person into the fire…” and sees Carlos nod: “Neuhaus for example…”* *grins broadly* Unfortunately I don’t have a photo of him…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he listens to Jonas* *nods, because he also thinks that it’s more symbolic* *shakes his head at David’s words about Neuhaus* Thank God! *then looks at the girls* Okay, which one of you girls will sacrifice herself for me? *sees everyone looking at him in astonishment for a second, but then sees them laughing when they get what he means and hears Carlos: “Just throw a bra in, that’s also a good symbol.”* *laughs and turns back to the girls* Who will donate one? *but then laughs and shakes his head* I’ll think of something…

David: *it takes a moment for him to understand Matteo’s question to the girls and then grins very broadly* *wants to lean over to him reflexively to press a kiss to his cheek and forgot that this isn’t so easy right now* *but still manages it somehow and grits his teeth* *grins and then nods at Abdi’s suggestion and at Matteo’s renewed question to the girls* If we have to we’ll just steal one from Laura… I’m sure she won’t notice… *hears Hanna laugh: “Believe me, she’d notice…” and Kiki in consideration: “I think I’ll throw some meat into the fire!”* *has to grin when Carlos corrects her: “Onto the fire, babe…”, but hears her immediately disagree: “Nooo, into the fire. I really want to be more consequent with a vegan diet…”, hears Abdi groan: “The good meat…” and hears Carlos suggest almost desperately: “Hey, can’t you just throw in the packaging!? As a symbol… or symbolically destroy the meat some other way? By feeding all of us with it?!”* *sees Kiki throw Carlos a withering glare and grins slightly* *somehow likes the thought that everyone burns something and is curious to see if that’s just a crazy idea or if they’ll really all bring something* *hears Sam ask: “And what are you going to burn, Alex? All your middle fingers!?”*

Matteo: *shrugs when they’re talking about how to get a bra* Maybe I’ll also think of something else… *then grins at the meat-discussion and shakes his head when the boys complain* Hey, nooo, it doesn’t work like that… everyone however they want, no judging and so on! *looks at Alex with a grin at Sam’s question and hears Alex answer: “No, I still need those every now and then… I can’t think of anything right now, but I’m sure I’ll think of something…” while he hears Hanna say: “You don’t have to… if you forcefully try to think of something then that also sucks, doesn’t it?”* *nods* Yes, like I said, everyone however they want!

David: *is sitting together with the others for a little while longer talking, but realizes at some point that the sitting simply isn’t working that well anymore and tries to change positions several times until he notices Matteo’s worried look* *then gets over himself, after all, and explains that he’ll already go upstairs to lie down a little because he’ll be lasered again in half an hour* *can see understanding in the others’ looks and then feels a little bad when everyone gets ready to leave, as well* *tells them that they can just finish their coffees in peace and also tells Matteo that he can finish his and that he’ll definitely manage to go upstairs by himself* *is grateful when Alex suggests that it’s better if no one hugs him goodbye if he’s in pain and that they can just hug him when they see him again* *therefore lifts his hand a little in goodbye, leans down to kiss Matteo briefly (ouch) and then goes to his room* *exhales in relief when he’s finally lying on the bed and can feel his muscles relaxing and that the pain is getting a little better* *eventually they bring the laser in and he smiles when Matteo comes back into the room a little while later, takes a photo for the boys, and then joins him* *afterwards eats dinner together with him - partly the things the nurse brings him, partly good things from the basket - and then lies back down on the bed with him* *cuddles with him as much as it’s possible and they are talking about the afternoon* *they eventually get interrupted by the night nurse again, who brings him his pain medication and tells them that visiting hours will end soon* *glances at his phone and says* Only in half an hour… *sees her chuckle before she leaves the room: “Well, I don’t know how long it’ll take you two to say your goodbyes…”*

Matteo: *has to smile slightly at the night nurse’s comment and thinks that they apparently already have a reputation amongst the nurses* *therefore nods* Good thinking… *sees her smile and then leave and turns to David* *leans his head on his hand/elbow and looks at him* Do you feel well enough to already start saying goodbye? *grins slightly and then kisses him briefly*

David: *looks at Matteo when he rights himself a little after the nurse has left the room and smiles at him* *grins slightly at his question and nods slightly* *returns his kiss and murmurs against his lips* Half an hour to say our goodbyes is good… we should ask the night nurse to come back at that time every night… *kisses him again and - ignoring the pain - lifts one hand to put it on Matteo’s cheek* *doesn’t really want to think about the fact that they’ll have to say their goodbyes soon yet again*

Matteo: *grins slightly and shakes his head* I don’t think it works like that. We’ll have to keep an eye on the time ourselves… *then kisses him and enjoys the contact when he feels David’s hand* *but then remembers that lifting his arm can be painful* *therefore takes his hand and tenderly pulls it down, but entwines their fingers after the kiss so that they’ll keep the contact* *looks at him after the kiss and stays close to him* Tomorrow, I’ll be here around 5 I guess… but if you need distraction because of your Mom, then text me and I’ll make sure that I can call you in between or something like that, okay?

David: *lets Matteo take his hand and entwine their fingers, even though by now he really misses running his hand through his hair or over his cheeks like he usually does* *tries to also turn a little onto his side to be closer to him, but realizes pretty quickly that this is only possible with pain and stops it* *instead concentrates on the kiss again and decides to enjoy what he can get* *leaves his eyes half closed when they pull away from the kiss and hums in agreement to Matteo’s words* *kisses him again briefly and tenderly and murmurs* Thanks… *kisses him again and then says quietly* …and you’ll also text me if you’re bored or something… and send me photos… and such… *kisses him again, then sighs quietly and murmurs against his lips* I’ll miss you tonight…

Matteo: *knows that not being able to move the way he wants to is annoying for David* *runs a hand through his hair and kisses him again* *smiles slightly when he thanks him* Don’t worry about it… *kisses him again* …I will, I promise, as always… *kisses him again and then again when he says that he’ll miss him* So will I… *kisses him again* …text me and send me photos if you can’t sleep, or any other time, as well, ok? *kisses him again and then carefully turns on his side and puts his head down between David’s shoulder and his head and kisses his neck* *whispers into his ear* I love you pretty much…

David: *smiles when Matteo promises to text him and to send him photos* *then sighs again when he says that he’ll also miss him and nods slightly at his suggestion* *murmurs* I will… *kisses him again and murmurs* And you, too… or you’ll listen to the voice recording again if you miss me too much… then I’ll be with you a little bit… *smiles when Matteo puts his head down and kisses his neck* *turns his head slightly and tries to kiss something of him, as well* *somehow manages to reach his cheek* *then hears his words and can feel this flutter of love in his stomach again which somehow never lessens* *smiles broadly and whispers back* I love you pretty much exceedingly above all measures… *searches for his cheek again and presses a tender kiss onto it* *sighs again quietly and murmurs* I’m already looking forward to our bed so much… and to you being with me again at night… three more nights…

Matteo: *smiles sightly* I’ll listen to that while falling asleep, anyways… *then also feels a tingling again when David repeats his answer from yesterday* *murmurs back* Above all measures… *sighs slightly when he says that he’s looking forward to their bed* I am too, very much… three more nights… we’ll manage… *rights himself a little again and kisses him again* *then asks quietly* What time is it?

David: *smiles when Matteo repeats “above all measures” again and nods slightly when he says that they’ll manage the three nights* *thinks that they don’t have any other choice, anyways* *kisses him back and tenderly runs his hand over his arm that’s lying there* *after the kiss and Matteo’s question he reaches for his phone lying next to him on the bed and checks the time* Quarter to ten… *smiles a little sadly, but still suggests* If you leave now then you’ll manage to catch the bus at 9:55 and you won’t have to change buses three times…

Matteo: *humphs slightly when he tells him the time* Yes, true… but then I have to go now… *grimaces slightly* But I have to work again tomorrow and the next connection is only at 10:15… *sighs slightly and slowly gets up* *packs his things and puts his backpack on* *sees David move* No, no, stay in bed, please… *leans down to him and kisses him again and again* *runs a hand through his hair again and smiles slightly* Sleep tight, Schreibner… *kisses him again and then leaves reluctantly*

David: *nods at Matteo’s words and also remembers that he has to work again, and knows that it’s responsible if he leaves now, but would still like to keep him here* *therefore hums in agreement and says quietly* Yes, and you’ll also be on the bus for some time… *sighs quietly when he gets up to put his shoes on and pack his things and is about to get up to hug him properly* *then hears him say that he should stay in bed and grimaces slightly* *still wraps his arms around him when he leans down to him to kiss him, ignores the pain and squeezes him closer to him* *smiles slightly when he looks at him afterwards and says quietly* Dream of us, Florenzi… *then looks after him when he leaves the room and feels a small lump in his throat* *thinks that slowly but surely he should really get used to the fact that they are currently spending the nights apart, and reaches for his phone to somehow distract himself* *has seen earlier that he has messages and starts answering those* *eventually gets up and realizes that he urgently needs pain medication* *takes the one the night nurse has left for him and gets a chocolate bar from the food basket* *eats it and in the meantime, looks at the photo of all of them in Heidesee* *reaches for his phone and then texts Matteo*

WhatsApp, David/Matteo: David: Will you bring me a photo of us tomorrow? I want to put it down on the nightstand next to the group photo… if you can’t find one, then take one off the wall - we can hang it up again later… Did you catch your bus? I’ll go to the bathroom now and then I’ll lie down… and imagine that you’re singing to me and then I’ll hopefully fall asleep soon… I’m thinking of you :-*

Matteo: *has only just managed to catch the bus and even managed to get a seat* *then gets the message from David and has an idea, but can’t implement it just yet* *therefore only replies*

WhatsApp, Matteo/David: Matteo: I’ll bring one, but I don’t think we have any others printed out, do we? Which one from the wall do you want? I’m on the bus right now, very fancy with a window seat and all… if you’re lying down again after the bathroom then text me for a bit… to shorten the bus ride, okay? Unless you’re too tired, of course - then definitely don’t do it… *actually wants to keep him busy until he’s at the flatshare so that he can record a voice message for him*

David: *sees that Matteo texts back immediately and therefore doesn’t immediately go to the bathroom and instead finishes his chocolate bar first and waits* *texts back immediately when his message arrives*

WhatsApp, David/Matteo: David: 1) I don’t think that we have one, either… just pick the one you like best… I’ll surely like that one, too. 2) I’m happy that you have a window seat! A real luxury in Berlin *g* 3) I haven’t been to the bathroom yet - I waited for your message… but I’m going now. We’ll see how long I’ll manage to stay awake… I can’t be responsible for you being bored on your bus ride of course… 4) There was really loud rumbling one floor above… as if someone fell out of bed… :-O

*then really goes to the bathroom, but takes the phone with him* *goes to pee first and sees that there really isn’t any more blood and instead only a little exudate left in the pad* *thinks that it’s a really good sign* *hesitates at first, but then texts Matteo, after all*

WhatsApp, David/Matteo: David: 5) I don’t know if that might not be too gross for you to hear, but on the other hand you always want to be informed and so I figured that you might be happy to hear that there’s definitely no more blood coming out and that the exudate is also getting less… everything seems to heal… I’m curious to see what the gynaecologist is going to say tomorrow…

Matteo: *grins when he immediately sees David typing and reads the first 4 messages all at the same time* *replies*

WhatsApp, Matteo/David: Matteo: Okay, then I’ll just take one, I’ll surely won’t be able to decide, either… and thanks for staying awake for me <3

*sends it and then remembers something else*

WhatsApp, Matteo/David: Matteo: Do you still hear rumbling? Maybe something just fell off a nightstand?

*then sees that David is typing again and reads the fifth message* *beams immediately and sends a cheering gif*

WhatsApp, Matteo/David: Matteo: Yeah, that’s great! That all sounds like being able to go home on Wednesday, I’m happy!

*then hears that the next stop is the one before his own stop and is happy* *texts David*

WhatsApp, Matteo/David: Matteo: I’ll be at Tiergarten soon, so I’ll have to get off soon… I’ll text you when I’m at the flatshare.

David: *washes up in the bathroom and brushes his teeth* *sees that he has messages from Matteo, but decides to answer them after brushing his teeth* *then takes his shirt off and sniffs it* *decides that it’ll do again tomorrow* *avoids looking in the mirror out of habit until he remembers that he no longer has to do that* *therefore looks up with a smile and smiles even more when he sees his flat chest* *can’t help but to also look at himself from both sides and then carefully touches the still-swollen spots* *realizes that it doesn’t really hurt much and lifts his arms experimentally* *grimaces slightly when he realizes that he can’t really lift them very far* *then puts on his sleep shirt a little awkwardly and goes back to the room with his phone* *purs a glass of water and sighs quietly when he feels like the bottle of water weighs 10 kilos* *then heaves himself into a horizontal position and reads Matteo’s messages* *listens to upstairs and replies*

WhatsApp, David/Matteo: David: Everything’s quiet upstairs… maybe something really only fell off the nightstand… a lot… in short intervals ;-)

*then smiles at the gif and texts back*

WhatsApp, David/Matteo: David: Definitely going home on Wednesday! And so am I <3

*then sends a third message*

WhatsApp, David/Matteo: David: You’re surely already at the flatshare by now… say hi from me in case anyone’s still awake… I hope you'll be able to sleep well and quickly. Ti amo, tesorino!

*sighs quietly and twists a little awkwardly to plug the phone into the charger* *then switches the light off, but realizes pretty quickly that he can’t really relax and that his thoughts are with Matteo* *reaches for his phone again and scrolls through their messages to read some more of him*

Matteo: *arrives at the flatshare and is quite glad when everything’s quiet* *therefore only steps out of his shoes and quickly goes to his room* *sits down on the bed, reads David’s messages but doesn’t reply to them* *starts a voice message*

WhatsApp, Matteo/David: Matteo: Hey you, I hope you’re not asleep yet… although yes, actually I do, because I do want you to sleep well, but … well… I figured that it’s only fair if you also have a message from me that you can listen to if you can’t sleep… don’t worry, it won’t be 5 hours… but, yeah, well… I thought I’d sing you a lullaby… and if you ever show that to anyone, you’re dead…

*smiles slightly, because of course he’s not serious about that*

Okay… let’s go… … The moon has been arising, the stars in golden guising….

*sings as far as he can remember the lyrics and then stops*

…that’s it, I don’t know the lyrics any further… Sleep tight, David.

*sends the voice message and adds underneath*

Ti amo, tesorino!

David: *eventually notices that he’s really getting tired and was just about to put the phone aside and try to sleep when Matteo sends him a voice message* *is at first a little confused for a second that he’s sending him something this late and plays it* *puts the phone on his ear and smiles immediately when he hears his voice* *then hears that he wants to sing him a lullaby and laughs quietly, because he’s so happy* *quickly” scoots down in the bed and covers himself properly* *then closes his eyes exactly at the moment Matteo starts singing* *smiles to himself blissfully while he listens to him* *thinks that the song is over way too quickly and immediately listens to the recording again* *then sends three hearts to Matteo and adds*

WhatsApp, David/Matteo: David: Sleep tight… and thanks! :-*

*leaves the phone next to him on the pillow and starts the recording again… and again… and again... until he’s finally too tired and realizes that his eyes are falling closed*

(next play)

[asoulofatlantis]

I totally forgot that we found the wall of Fayth summoning Zanarkand so early. It seems weird that the wall is actually not at one of the walls of Gagazet right next to Zanarkand, if you think about it. We still have to get inside the Cave and do the trials, so we are quite a bit away from the old Zanarkand still.

Also... isn’t it a bit stupid? They survived the war. This many, managed to survive the war and instead of living on they decided to die anyway, just to keep the dream alive. Zanarkands original people were all very weird.

I found it interesting that at this point, most characters have realized that Auron knew a lot more then he allowed them to know. It always seemed weird to me that no one ever asked any questions. The only one who dared to asked what happened was Seymore and I mean, one could say even a master not getting an answer is pretty much making it clear that Auron would not want to talk about it and given that Braska had to die, some might have thought it insensitive. But it still is something I am sure many people were interested in. But even Rikku never asked.

One must admit that Zanarkand was a really pretty place. But not pretty enough to die for it, if you ask me.

They sell it off as a Pilgrimage and all... but isn’t leading the People from a prospering Bevelle to a destroyed Zanarkand kind of like showing off? Not just that you go from barely standing huts in Besaid and Killika to a mighty machina city like Bevelle, but then you also go to the ruins of such a great, prospering City that was ruined by the war. Bevelle won and even 1000 years later, they are showing it off, disguised of curse. Then again, maybe it is Yunalesca who forced Bevelle to make Zanarkand a holy place despite everything, given that only she can bring the final summoning to the people and her place always was and always will be in Zanarkand. Like, after they destroyed that place in a war, they still had to somehow make it a special place, so that it won’t be forgotten, because otherwise, Sin would kill them all.

Maybe it wasn’t so stupid of the Zanarkand-People to die for their dream.... at least they didn’t have to live in fear of Sin.

In all honesty, I think the fact that they both became in touch with the real world, should have kind of made them become real. So that when the Fayth stopped dreaming, they (or at least Tidus, as Jekkts circumstances were different) would be able to live on in the real world as real people. I guess in a sense... that was the reason why Tidus could be brought back eventually, if I remember the so called perfect ending (my ass!) of FFX-2 correctly. But given everything that happened, Tidus shouldn’t have vanished to begin with. But I guess that would have ruined the bittersweet part of that plottwist and the lovestory too much.

Even now... destroyed and all... Zanarkand looks really pretty. But that could be the sun going down, that makes it look so pretty.

When you play this game for the first time... this scene hits hard. You are close to losing Yuna and while you had plenty of time to get used to the thought that it was possible we would not find a way to save her, it was still hard to swallow. And on top of that, now we also had the knowledge that Tidus might vanish one day. This was becoming a losing-game and it hurt.

Even after playing this game so often... I still have a few tears in my eyes, listening to Yuna saying goodbye.

Especially when she described what she feels for him. Even tho she never used the word, it was crystal clear, there is only one feeling in the world that feels wonderful and yet hurts sometimes... and we all always knew what it was. but it still hurt to hear her phrase it like that, now that we are so close to Zanarkand.

And here we are... we have finally reached the true beginning of our story. And yet we are closer to the end then we ever where. The tone of the game has been sad a lot more lately. At this moment, when you play the game for the first time, as a player, you feel close to a breakdown. Because this truly is our last chance, to listens to this boys story...

Did you ever recognize that this is the blitzball Stadium?

Then... why do I hear him sing the hymn of the fayth? ^^’

I think Seymore should have married her. They would certanly have gotten along well ^^’

Guess tho I should not have expected anything else from Yu Yevons daughter tho...

[thyandrawrites]

I just read your Fuyumi character analysis and it made me see her in a totally different light. I was one of the people that thought she was easily forgiving her father and forcing her siblings to do the same but after reading your analysis I realized that was wrong. I see now that she isn’t selfish as I first thought. I can see that her actions are more of defense and self preservation than forgiveness and it made me feel some sort of appreciation for her struggles and her love for her siblings.

So I wanted to ask if you had a Rei character analysis because I would love to read it. Your analysis are awesome.

Hi! Thank you for taking the time to read my Fuyumi post. I’m pleased to hear you found it an interesting read, and I can only be glad if it gave you some food for thought on a character I love so much :’) 

To answer your question, I haven’t written anything extensive on Rei yet, and certainly not anything solely focused on her. Because of how little screen time she gets, I find it much harder to get a cohesive read of her goals and motivations. Her lack of backstory and internal narration leave a lot of unanswered questions. But I wanted to thank you for asking about her anyway, because your ask gave me a push to try and get something together. It won’t be as thorough as my other todofam meta, and it will contain a lot of guessing, but I’m putting it out there anyway. Maybe I’ll add more to it later on, if we ever get some more info on her. 

On Rei, and the double-edged sword of Choices

As the title prefaces, Rei puts a lot of importance on making your own choices. Despite the fact that she’s often depicted as having little agency, a core belief of hers seems to be that even when your options are limited, you can make the most of them and find happiness by confidently choosing your path forward, and sticking to it through the end. 

[more under the cut]

It’s because of this mindset that she’s able to see marrying Enji as her own informed choice. From her perspective, she didn’t agree to it because of external pressure from her family, but rather because Rei wanted this for the Himuras’ sake. Now, whether this is entirely true or not, and she was “sold off” for money and prestige like Touya says, we don’t know for sure. But for the purpose of this speculation, it's not really important to determine whose choice the arranged marriage really was; what matters is that Rei thinks she walked into it by her free will. 

What she says to Shouto here (read right to left) gives us a little more insight. This is her response to Shouto's fear that his circumstances (=being trained by a cruel person) will dictate the outcome of his actions. 

Essentially, Shouto's scared of going along with Enji's will, because he doesn't want Enji to make him into the type of hero who hurts others. And Rei steps in and tells him, "it's okay, you wouldn't end up like that, because being a hero is something you want for yourself, not just to crown Enji's aspirations. You wouldn’t be a puppet in his hands that does what he wants, but your own person pursuing your own goals. Keep your eyes firmly set on the man you want to become, and you will get there." 

Envisioning the future you want to achieve is the crucial part here. When the proposal of an arranged marriage was on the table, Rei tells us she didn't have many options in front of her. In that sense, she too was limited by her circumstances and by her blood. But she agreed to it, and I quote, "hoping, if nothing else, that [she] would keep smiling." In other words, Rei might not have wanted to marry Enji, per se, but maybe she wasn't as opposed to the idea of making a family of her own. A part of her thought she'd still find happiness (maybe even fulfillment) as a wife and a mother. 

And at least at the beginning, I think she might've been, too. Happy, that is. At the very least, she loved her children. Back then, Enji was still an… okay father. He planned to live vicariously through his children, and that's not the ideal mindset behind having a child, but he had yet to act on it; the family dynamics weren't as tense and toxic as they become the longer he went without achieving his ambitions. Fuyumi's birth wasn't planned as a replacement like her younger siblings, a demand from a man obsessed with his goals. It was Rei’s idea to conceive her, to give little Touya a sibling close in age so that they could support each other. 

What this tells us is that even if Rei knew she was expected to bear Enji’s children, up to that point, she still had a vision of a future where her kids were healthy and fulfilled, and Rei too, with them. Thus, she actively took the initiative to make the family a happy nest despite the not so happy circumstances behind the union itself. 

Then Enji starts growing more and more obsessed with an heir, and Rei starts properly fearing her husband.

This is where things get complicated, and also when Rei betrays her beliefs. As I went over, she puts a lot of weight into making your own choices, but when Enji’s temper gets worse and worse and he stops asking, Rei begins surrendering to his will. This, despite knowing how Touya will see right through the intent behind Natsuo’s conception, and realize they are finally replacing him. 

To her credit, Rei does attempt to protest, to stand her ground. She’s not unkind, and she doesn’t want to cause unjust suffering to her kid. She's aware that being replaced will crush him, and that knowing so and persisting anyway is cruel of them. But for someone who values choices so much, she chooses to stay. She could’ve walked away with the kids and gotten out of dodge. That wouldn’t have stopped Enji, of course, he could’ve gotten married again, but she wouldn’t have been an accomplice. 

I want to make clear that this is not me condemning her for being too scared to oppose Enji in any substantial way. It’s the story itself that draws attention to this. Touya spells out her complicity, and it’s something we are asked to take notice of. Despite trying her best, Rei is depicted as a flawed mother who made mistakes as well, particularly in raising Touya. 

It’s subtle, but it’s there, and this line here is particularly telling. We know that Touya pushes back against the idea that Rei had the option to say no to marrying Enji. Since she was poor, and her family needed it, Touya states that she only had the illusion of a choice. Agreeing to it was an inevitability. Like training until he can be stronger than All Might was inevitable for him, too. 

Now, Touya thinks of it that way because has a sharply different mindset than her. From his perspective, both him and his mother have no other options than to perform the role they’re thrown into. While Rei thinks she’s responsible for her decisions, Touya reckons there was only ever one path in front of her (and him), aka that of bearing the burden of one's legacy. By being born into an impoverished family that used to have prestige and power, Rei’s destiny was already written for her. Just like how, by being born as Endvr’s son, Touya’s fate was already decided as well. This fits into his idea of predestination, of the straight or warped tracks he mentions to Shouto. 

So Touya frames Rei as someone lacking agency, someone who cannot change the tracks of her life. He does it to make a point about himself, to state that doesn’t have any alternatives, either. But his word choice happens to be… brutally ironic. 

When he says “you had no choice” in the panel above, in Japanese he’s echoing his dad. 

Specifically, he’s echoing Enji when he said he “had no choice but” to have more children. Nominally, to make Touya stop training in secret. In truth, to have a more suitable heir who could beat All Might. 

I'm not sure if Touya's wording itself is intended as a callback, but the fact that he accuses Rei of "being guilty too" in that same scene makes me think we're supposed to think of it anyway. 

We know that somewhere after Touya snapped at Rei here, she had just as much of a hard time facing him as her husband did. The given reason is that she sees Enji in her children, and her fear paralyzes her and makes her slip away a little more every day, until her eventual breaking point. But I think that there was another component at play here: guilt. 

If we assume that in that moment Rei was thinking of Enji's stubbornness—as it's hinted at by her equating their narrowed, angry eyes—then Touya's words might've hit a nerve there. 

Mind you, this is very much unconfirmed, so I could be completely wrong about it. But notice how it's only after Enji mentions All Might that she drops all protests. Before, the topic was Touya's wellbeing, and the morality of inflicting this onto an innocent child who just wanted his father's attention. But the second Rei is abruptly reminded of the reason behind this contract between her and Enji, the goal of producing a fitting heir who will beat his rival, we see her expression shift. She's no longer frantic, she's stricken. A bead of sweat rolls down her face, like she's digesting this. Realizing what it means, what will happen. 

Of course, we could attribute this to fear; she could be seeing Enji's true colors for the first time, or realizing that nothing she can say will ever stop him. That has been my interpretation so far. But what if there was more? 

What if she felt pressured, similarly to how she might've felt pressured by the Himuras' circumstances, and ended up folding and defaulting to do what was expected of her as a result? And then calling it her decision, despite how it’s clearly not what she wanted? 

Psychologically, it would make sense. It's not too hard to make the jump from "I walked into this myself. It was my choice" to "I chose this life. It is on me. I can't pretend I didn't know what my role in it would be, and I have to play it."

If Rei fell for that kind of reasoning, maybe even subconsciously, it could help make sense of why, despite witnessing the worsening of the abuse and of her own mental state, she clings to her hope of eventual happiness for years. Or why, despite having been complicit in punishing Touya with two more replacements, she still doubles down on her belief about the importance of choices, enough so that she passes it down to Shouto. Like allowing Touya to be hurt like that wasn't also a deliberate act; she took part in it knowing the harm that would follow, so ethically speaking, she can't hide behind a lack of better alternatives. She can't deny ownership of her actions by claiming she was blinded by foolishness, like Enji later does. That, too, was a choice, but since Rei cannot bear this weight, I think she coped with it by telling herself it was part of her duty, of her role, and thus accepted it as an inevitability, too. Something that she surrendered to because her "options were limited" to quote her rationalizing of things. It would be a defense mechanism of sorts.  

If a part of her justifies what they did as part of her marital contract, then she can frame it as something she had to endure for the sake of her family, too. In the process, she can avoid the guilt attached. 

But when Touya calls this out, she cracks, face stricken in fear, and she cannot say anything to defend herself. He sees through her, and she cowers from it. His self-awareness makes it impossible for her to soothe him with easy words like she later does with Shouto. She has no legs to stand on. Her words ring empty, and she knows it. A lie to keep up the pretense of being in control.

Though Rei had entered this situation hoping she would find happiness somehow, the truth is that she hasn't been happy in years. She's exhausted, jaded, wrung out. The family she had pictured doesn't match the broken one she can't keep together despite her best efforts. So, what use was walking into this of her own accord, with her own agenda (however simple), if she couldn't make the most of it, and instead ended up succumbing under the impossible weight of her role? 

By then, Enji had given up on even pretending to be involved in Touya's life. He was similarly neglectful to his other children as well. And by giving in to his demands for more kids, Rei co-signed the destruction of whatever normalcy they could've ever hoped to achieve, because Touya knew exactly what they'd done and why, and it made him restless. By the time a fitting replacement came around, the family was as good as gone, and with it, Rei's aspirations. 

But acknowledging this means acknowledging her agency in it. And she can't. She can't look Touya in the eyes and insist again about how many other paths are available to him aside from becoming a hero. Not when Touya pointed out that she had paths, too, and still walked the one written in the tracks of her life. 

In this light, her avoidance of Touya from then on mirrors Enji’s. She's running away from facing things about herself she doesn't want to confront, things that Touya brings to the forefront of her mind by being their unfortunate victim and byproduct. 

Interestingly, though, Rei later shows a bit more of a willingness to face the past. 

Shouto's influence helps her in that sense. When he finds the courage to reconnect with her, despite how he should've hated her, she gets a taste of what actually sticking with your choices means. And it spurs her onto action herself. 

As a child, Shouto told her that he didn't want to become the kind of person who would hurt her. He already believed in kindness, and aspired to be a hero who rescued others, like All Might was shown doing in that TV interview Shouto was watching with Rei. But then Rei was hospitalized, and she spent ten-ish years away from Shouto, thinking the entire time that he resented her for having burnt him. 

In truth, Shouto was simply afraid of meeting her. Since he saw himself as the cause of her mental break, he feared that his visit would be unwelcome, or maybe that she would get worse because of him. But in the end, he pushed through those fears and went to the hospital, and then kept coming back and writing letters with the purpose of reconnecting. Shouto could've easily kept things as they were, but he decided to confront her, to seek a conversation, to seek healing. He didn't want to leave those loose ends unaddressed, or to hide behind his insecurities, his anxieties. Shouto was obviously afraid of rejection, of facing her and finding out she still saw his father in him. He was trembling when he arrived at the hospital that first time. But that didn't deter him. Like his mother told him to do all those years ago, he firmly set his eyes on the man he wanted to become, and that man was someone who had a relationship with his mother again. 

When Rei witnesses that unshaking resolve, that determination to stay true to himself and his choices, she becomes stronger as a result. 

She finally faces Enji, despite admitting to still being afraid of him not too long before. 

And when the topic of Shouto's scar comes up, she owns up to it. Her expression is serious, unflinching. She's not feeling sorry for herself the way she looked away from Touya, eyes downcast and expression laced with visible guilt. 

That's a step towards healing for her. Burning Shouto wasn't a conscious action on her part (it was a fight or flight response to fear), but the fact that she is willing to look head on at the past instead of avoiding it is a nod in the right direction. 

Before, she let that vision of a happy future slip away from her. She let herself be swept by her circumstances, and lost sight of herself in the process. 

Losing sight of yourself because of said circumstances is an idea that gets explored through Shouto as well, by the way. To further underline it. Shouto, too, temporarily let his family situation cloud his vision and push him off his original path. For a handful of years, he was too angry, too bitter and resentful to remember that the things that had motivated him to become a hero was kindness and compassion. He almost nearly becomes cruel like Enji. But remembering himself, setting his eyes on the kind of man he originally wanted to become, puts him back on track. Thanks to that, he's able to successfully rescue Iida from Stain. 

Similarly, Rei's misstep is letting her fear get the best of her, and letting herself forget that happiness was still within her reach. Because of that, her challenge is to fix that and face Touya again. In that sense, she can prove she has a choice. She isn't there just to provide the ice genes to make the perfect kid. She still has the power to create a family that isn't dysfunctional, if she commits to the idea that choices were never about making the most of limited options and adverse fate, but rather sticking to your guns and making your future happen despite those adverse circumstances. 

Her challenge, then, is to make a family that will be happy for real. With Touya as an integral part of it, this time. 

[jungkxook]

—make it right. (m)

⟶ pairing: jungkook x reader 

⟶ genre: punk!jungkook / band au / exes-to-lovers au / angst / smut

⟶ words: 11,528

⟶ rating: 18+ 

⟶ summary: you’re wholeheartedly, madly in love with jungkook and yet you shouldn’t be because it’s been almost a year since you broke up with him. worst part of it all is that you know he’s still in love with you too

⟶ warnings: jungkook has a tongue piercing, oral sex because of said tongue piercing (fem!recieving), more tattooed and long haired jungkook to feed my fantasies, angsty pining clingy sex, also just general soft sex, crying sex lol, riding, creampie, slight praise kink themes, unprotected sex

⟶ disclaimer: here’s my one year blog anniversary present inspired by the first ever fic i posted on here! yes this is technically a sequel to melomaniac but not really. sort of like an alternate universe to the alternate universe but you don’t really have to read one or the other to understand the other. so, i hope you enjoy!

⟶ this is part of the melodrama tour series!

You swear you’re over Jungkook.

In fact, you would even go so far as to say you hate him ━ but you know that’s not true. It’s just that it’s much easier to believe that if you tell yourself you hate him enough times, then maybe you’ll find a way to fix your broken heart, and the pain in his absence won’t hurt so bad. 

As it turns out, it hardly works.

Seven months since he had left you to travel the world with his band, basking in promised eternal glory and fame and money, and yet even miles and oceans away from where you stand, he’s all you can think about. There’s a myriad of reasons as to why trying to forget him was an useless endeavour. The hardships of trying to forget a cherished life-long friendship you had grown accustomed to was one of them, and those lingering happy moments you had shared with him as lovers however fleeting they may be was another. But then there was the ever present fact that Jungkook and his band were so quick to rise to fame, their names far exceeding the seemingly cramped and small city you had both reigned from, and suddenly the boy you had known forever, and everything special that makes him, was now being shared to hundreds of millions of adoring fans.

You were certain it was all Jungkook ever wanted, the added attention and the pretty girls fawning over him, because he had always been a casanova in many ways despite always promising you that you were the only one for him even before you had started dating. You had told him it wouldn’t work ━ I trust you as my best friend, you had said in a moment of despair, grasping at straws. I don’t have to worry about you breaking my heart. But I don’t know if I can trust you as my boyfriend ━ far before he and his band had been signed to their record label and paraded around the world, when they were still practicing in rented storage units and friends’ garages and rundown local studios, playing gigs anywhere and everywhere from dingy bars to college campus parties, supporting him every step of the way if only because he was your best friend, and he had been so persistent that it would work, chasing after you even when you tried to push him away. I would treat you right, he had urged so ardently late one drunken night after stumbling back to his apartment. I already practically worship the ground you walk on.

And how could you ━ who had already been so madly in love with him but scared of him breaking your heart, scared of losing him, scared of this happening ━ ever resist him? He made love seem so easy, and maybe that’s because it was when you were with him. But now, he was no longer yours; now, he was the world’s, and you were nothing but a mere hazy fragmented memory in his mind, long forgotten, watching from the side of the stage much like you always had from the very start of it all.

“Hey, isn’t this that band?” Jihyo’s voice bursts through your wandering trail of thoughts.

It takes you a moment to recollect yourself, finding yourself not in the arms of an ex-lover or stuck in a bygone time of months past, but in the cosy and amiable café nearest your campus and frequented by a plethora of your fellow peers. You’re fortunate to find that your other group mates have also become sidetracked, trailing far from the assignment you were all supposed to be working on. Dahyun is perched beside you, chin nestled in the palm of her hand and elbow propped on the table as she scrolls aimlessly through her phone; Jihyo and Taeyong were sat across from you, gossiping fervently about some mutual friend of theirs. You hadn’t known the pair long enough to know much about them or the tragic affair of whoever Mina is for accepting her cheating boyfriend back for the second time, and, likewise, they seem oblivious to your own self-wallowing once you realize what’s caught Jihyo’s sudden attention.

You hear his voice first.

It’s easy to discern, even after all this time and even amongst the muffled chatter and clanking of porcelain and cutlery of those seated around you. The sweet, velvety lull of Jungkook singing throughout the café from the overhead speakers, pretty upbeat melodies and synths mixed with wistful words making up the song he had written for you before he left, before the fame and fans, as a way of telling you how he truly felt about you. It feels like a dream, and maybe that’s because it is, bringing you instantly to another time, and another world. You still remember him showing you the unfinished song for the very first time, curled up next to him in his living room, listening to him serenade you to sleep, humming in places where he hadn’t formed the words yet, strumming along with his acoustic. It was yours and his until he showed the world almost a year ago on their very first show at the Seoul Olympic Stadium in front of thousands of people, as a final desperate act of proclaiming his love for you after a disastrous attempt at a first date that he had begged from you. Just one, he pleaded. To prove it to you that I can be a good boyfriend. And if things don’t work out, we can pretend it never happened and just go back to being us. That’s a promise.

At the time, you had treasured the song. It was beautiful in every way, his love transcending his words and enveloping your heart in pure warmth.

Now, you hate it.

It’s the third time you’ve heard the song that day. Despite avoiding it as best as you could, it seems to find a way to make itself known in your daily life like the nagging nuisance it is. Because fate seemed to enjoy its sadistic behaviour of having the song be one of the main reasons Jungkook and his band had skyrocketed to fame in such a short span of time and, suddenly, Jungkook disappearing from your life meant little when his voice remained as a constant reminder of what could have been, what couldn’t have been, and what fell apart at the already fragile seams. And what was a proclamation of love to you turned into nothing but a fabled tale of lovers. You wonder if people who hear it ever think about where they’ve gone, or who they’ve turned into, or if their love was made to last. You wonder, above all else, if people ever think about it at all.

“Beyond the Scene, right?” Taeyong asks. He seems just as animated to be discussing the song as Jungkook’s voice fades into Jimin’s.

“God, I love this song. It’s so dreamy,” Jihyo lets out a longing sigh as she slumps against her seat. “Y’know, I’m seeing them this Friday. It’s their first time being back in, like, five months.”

“Dude, I’ve been trying to get tickets to see them for months now!” Taeyong gaps incredulously. “How’d you score them?”

“A friend of a friend knows the guy who plays keys,” Jihyo says. “The cute mysterious one.”

“Yoongi, right?”

“Yeah━”

As the pair dive into a passionate discussion about the boys and their first full-length album released under their recently-signed-to label from Columbia Records, you shift uncomfortably in your seat. Dahyun almost immediately straightens up, eyes flickering from the pair to you and back again. You’re both fortunate she’s there, having known your past with Jungkook, and despise it a little more, wondering what her pitying gaze must mean.

“Hey, Dahyun. Y/N.” Taeyong’s voice grabs your attention now. “What do you think of these guys? Didn’t some of them used to go to this school?”

“Yeah, I had a few classes with their drummer.” Dahyun waves her hand airly, swiftly brushing over the fact that she did far more than have a “few classes” with any of the boys but was also one of their closest friends. “I think they’re great━” She glances sideways at you one more time. “Hey, maybe we should get back to the assignment now━”

“I had a class with their lead guitarist, Jungkook, last year,” Jihyo continues, her excitement getting the best of her as Dahyun’s voice drowns out in the foreground.

“No way!” This dubious exclamation comes from Taeyong.

“I tried talking to him once but he totally blew me off,” Jihyo says. “Which is fine, because he’s still hot. If I had known he was gonna be a famous rockstar, I’d have tried asking him out a second time━”

Suddenly, you feel sick.

It’s odd to hear two strangers discuss Jungkook’s life while you’re seated across from them, as if you’re nothing more than an outsider to whoever Jungkook has become now. But you can’t stand it anymore. You’re certain you look insane to them when you push your seat back abruptly, the metal legs screeching against the floor as you stand.

“Whoa, what’s wrong━?” Taeyong starts to ask but you’re gone before he can finish the question, murmuring a half-hearted excuse about how you forgot you needed to be somewhere.

You’ve rounded on your heel and have fled from the café before anyone can try to stop you, with nothing but Jungkook’s mellifluous voice fading in the distance as he croons aloud for you in a time long since passed.

You don’t care. Besides, you’re sure Dahyun will cover for you.

The worst part of it all? The dreadful realization that sinks into your mind, and into your heart, beckons the question: who’s to say you aren’t a stranger now to Jungkook’s life altogether?

“So, what are you trying to say?”

You remember the moment so clearly despite wanting nothing more than to forget it all, and the pain associated with it. Because even from then you knew you would always be in love with Jungkook, but you couldn’t have him. It’s hard to remember whose fault it is this time that caused the sudden fight, though random little arguments had been a frequent occurrence nearing the end of your one year relationship more often than not. You hate blaming it all on him, because you were certain you were at fault too. Maybe a little bit wary at times, a little selfish, wanting him all to yourself. Even though you knew he has an obligation to the world, it still hurt when he started making promises he couldn’t keep, blowing you off for soundchecks, or spontaneous interviews, or record label meetings. More and more you could feel the both of you drifting apart, maybe without even meaning for it to happen.

It was just that Jungkook was destined for a lifetime of greatness, and you were starting to think that meant without you.

You had stopped him late one night after he had stumbled home from his and the band’s nightly studio sessions as they worked through recording their debut album as a signed band. Lately, it seemed as if that was all that Jungkook cared about, and while you knew the band meant the world to him and you would always support him in his endeavour, you couldn’t help but feel lesser in comparison. That, and you hated seeing the boy overwork himself to the point of near exhaustion every night if only because their label was so adamant about having the album finished before the month ended.

“You want to, what? Break up?” Jungkook asked, this time more incredulously and less dumbfounded as he had initially been. He didn’t believe you just yet, but you couldn’t exactly tell what he was thinking anymore at that point.

“I just figured we could use some time apart,” You had suggested awkwardly. “Just a break.”

He had let out a breathless, disbelieving laugh. “Y/N, this is insane.”

You flinched. You remember having to look away, refusing to meet his suddenly sorrowful look. “Is it, Jungkook? I mean… Look at us. We’re falling apart. It was bound to happen eventually. We tried to make it work but maybe we’re on different paths now.”

“But I love you,” Jungkook gasped, exasperated. “Where is this coming from?”

“And I don’t want to have to tie you down for the rest of your life,” You continued on stubbornly, “or make you think you owe me your whole life just because you said you fell in love with me when you were thirteen━”

This seemed to catch Jungkook’s attention. He grew rigid in front of you, a look of wary agony contorting his face. “Is that what this is then? You don’t love me anymore?”

You didn’t respond immediately, instead the dread of the night seemed to finally catch up with you and you had grimaced. You had loved him even then, but the thought of voicing it aloud when you were supposed to be breaking up with him didn’t feel right. The tears began to swell in your throat and blur your vision. Jungkook must have noticed, because he always seems to spot the small things about you that even you miss. Almost instantly, the sour look on his face softened and his gaze turned helpless, with those big puppy-dog eyes that you’ve always been too fond of. He closed the distance between you at once, warm hands grabbing at your own.

“You do.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. He knew you were still in love with him ━ or maybe he’d just been hopeful. “I know you do. So then why are you breaking up with me?” 

He let go of one of your hands to reach up to your face, calloused fingers gentle and soft against your cheek as they brushed away a rogue tear you hadn’t realized had fallen from your lashes. For a moment, you had let yourself get carried away. You leaned into the comforting heat and touch of his palm as he cradled your face.

“Don’t━” You choked out after a moment of silence, hating when your voice splintered into a sob. “Don’t touch me. Please, Jungkook. You’re only going to make this harder.”

His hands sprang away from your face almost at once, as if he had just been burnt by scalding fire. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull you into his arms but he had refrained the urge somehow, miraculously. So, instead, he grit his teeth and clenched his hands into fists as his arms fell limp at his sides.

“Then don’t do this. Don’t walk away,” Jungkook pleaded desperately. “I don’t understand. If you love me still, why are you making this harder for yourself?”

“Because what if that’s all we have in common anymore?” You asked wretchedly. “We care about each other. We always will. But you’re focused on the band, and this is my last year of school. Maybe we just need time to focus on ourselves.”

Jungkook blinked once. Twice. His stare was suddenly devoid of any emotion as he gawked at you, but you could tell that he was hurting. It was there in the fluttering of nerves in his jaw; there, in the way his lips pulled taut into a thin line; there, in the way even you could see his eyes begin to shimmer with wet tears that he unabashedly displays without trying to wipe away.

“So that’s it?” he asked. “After everything we’ve been through. You’re just gonna end it, like that? Y/N, come on━”

His hands had found purchase on your waist, and you had lingered for a moment too long; then, fumbling, he tried to grab delicately at your face, probing you to look at him. But you couldn’t. The moment you met his wounded gaze, you shook your head furiously. You had slithered out of his grasp, slipping through the seams of his fingers just like that.

“I━” You paused. “This isn’t some spur of the moment decision, Jungkook. How can you not see it? I’ve felt so alone these past few months. It’s like you’re here but not entirely. Your mind is always somewhere else, always thinking about the band and never about us.”

“What am I supposed to do?” he had asked hotly. “The band is my everything.”

“And what am I?” You asked. The question only mildly offended you, a shot right to your heart. Because if the band was his everything, what were you in comparison? “A distraction until you get everything you want? I can’t keep being that.”

“No!” he protested. “You’re not a distraction. You’re━” He stopped himself short, brows furrowing. “You can’t keep pinning this all on me. You just don’t trust me, do you? You never did. Always thinking I’m with some other girl when I’m not with you━”

“That’s not true,” You admonished.

“Isn’t it?” Jungkook retaliated.

“I don’t want to hear it,” You had said at once. Your tone was final, a decisive ending to your argument with him. “My mind’s already been made up, Jungkook. I don’t think we should see each other again until we sort all this out ━ or, until you sort out whatever your priorities are.”

Jungkook’s stare had hardened, a frown deeply etching into his face. He had straightened up then, perplexed and upset with your standoffish demeanour, as if thinking this surely meant nothing to you. But little did he know this would become one of the hardest decisions you would have to make.

“Fine,” he said rigidly. “If that’s how it is, then I’m gone. You’ll never have to see me again.”

You hadn’t known at the time just how terribly you had messed up ━ neither had Jungkook. He had left before you could stop him, or before either of you could change your minds. Because nothing’s worse than a broken heart, blinded by stubborn and defensive rage. Accusatory fingers and blaming him or you wouldn’t heal the wounds that had already formed, and ending things seemed to only make it worse, months of lonely heartache without Jungkook to further prove just that…

The last time you spoke to Jungkook, you told him you never wanted to see him again ━ or, at least, that seems to be how he interpreted it.

Now, you were standing in the midst of his domain, surrounded by everyone in his public sphere of friends and colleagues and acquaintances, and there was certainly no way of escaping him.

You were starting to think you’re losing mind, because you’d truly have to be insane to have worked up the nerve to agree to go with Dahyun to a party being held celebrating the band’s recent tremendous success and headlining their first world tour. Their manager, Jin, had personally reached out to you and Dahyun, calling you as a means of asking you to attend, though you had given him a timid and dismissive response at first. If it hadn’t been for Dahyun purposely and almost quite literally dragging you out under the premise that “even if you don’t want to see Jungkook, you at least owe it to the boys to go,” you don’t think you’d even be here. But while you didn’t know where you stood with Jungkook anymore, that didn’t mean you weren’t still proud of him or the rest of the boys. It just became harder to bask in their success with them when you had gone from knowing every detail of their lives, of Jungkook’s life, to knowing only what you could hear from gossiping fans around you, or plastered in tabloids, or all over any form of social media.

The party is held at some sort of fancy lavish restaurant, the entire back room rented out by the band’s record label and management, and is filled with dozens of people you don’t know. Fortunately, you and Dahyun aren’t left alone for very long, as an elated Jin and Jimin, the appointed lead singer, bustle their way through the crowd to you almost as soon as you arrive, leaving very little time for you to feel so awkward that you consider running away again. Jimin, in all his spritely and extravagant blue haired disposition, wastes no time in engulfing you both in a comforting hug as if months hadn’t passed since you’ve last seen them.

“Glad you guys could make it!” Jin smiles from over Jimin’s shoulder.

“It’s been forever,” Jimin affirms.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Dahyun says. “I’m surprised you guys didn’t forget about us, considering you’re big rockstars now.”

“Rockstar is a bit of an overstatement.” An effortlessly charming smirk unfurls on Jimin’s face, which seems to immediately dazzle Dahyun. “Besides, we could never forget you. Hey, come with me to find the guys. I think we could all use some time to catch up━”

He places his hand on the small of Dahyun’s back as he guides her away, leaving you with Jin. A moment of silence passes, in which time you can feel the boy’s eyes lingering on you.

“He knows you’re coming tonight, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Jin says carefully, treading over his words lightly. It’s too painfully obvious who he’s talking about, though you’re fortunate he doesn’t bother mentioning Jungkook’s name anyway. “There’s no point in hiding. I think you should talk to him.”

“I━” You trail off uselessly, your voice croaking. Fearing an imminent breakdown, you shake your head. Then, holding your chin a little higher, Jin’s startled to hear you pretend as if he hadn’t said anything. “It really is good to see you guys again. If you’ll excuse me, I think I need a drink.”

And you’re gone once more before he can say anything else. On your lonesome, you find refuge at the bar, though you only order water because you’re certain you won’t be able to stomach anything stronger. You don’t know how long you spend there, blankly staring at a spot on the wall as your mind wanders everywhere and yet nowhere at all until━

“Y/N?”

There it is again. The familiar sound of his voice, only this time it’s much more attainable, closer to your world and not elsewhere so high in the clouds like a hopeful dream. You brace yourself before turning to face him.

This close, Jungkook looks breathtakingly and painfully beautiful.

As always, he’s adorned in all black, the first few buttons of the silky blouse he’s wearing left undone so that it teases the exposed flesh of his collarbones and the rose tattoo that inks his chest, the thorny stems crawling up the side of his neck just below his ear, accompanied by a pair of leather pants. He’s the same as ever. The same imperfect tattoos that decorate his fingers and arms that you’ve always loved, the same ring-clad fingers painted a chipped black, the same hoop accentuating his button nose. His hair is still his natural dark ebony color (something he’s seemed to stick with much more as of late despite dyeing it wild colours throughout his past), only it’s a little longer than you last remembered, and the sides of his head are shaved in the form of an undercut. You’re foolishly surprised to find he still looks the same, but almost a year away from someone can both change nothing and yet everything all at once.

“Jungkook…” You want to say something more, but your words fall short.

It’s hard to tell if he’s angry or upset at seeing you there, but you don’t think he’s either, and you have an inkling of a thought that he purposely sought you out amongst the many faces. Instead, he looks hesitant, apprehensive, as if dreading how you’ll respond to see him. As if you’ll yell at him, push him away. You do neither, fortunately.

Just when the dense silence starts to become almost unbearable, Jungkook clears his throat. “I━ Wow… You look great.”

You blink once, a flustered blush warming your face that you hope he doesn’t notice. “Oh. Thank you. You do, too.”

His eyes flicker over your presence as he nods absentmindedly. Then, he’s offering you a pretty smile, soft and sweet in nature. No malice, or ill-intent. “Um━ How have you been?”

You hate this. You hate the awkward pauses, the prolonged periods of silence. A year ago, even despite knowingly pining for one another, your moments alone with Jungkook were never so terrible. He always found a way to say something cheekily flirtatious even when you were just friends, if only because he knew it would make you blush and giggle because, no matter how many times you would roll your eyes or nudge his sides, he also knew you secretly loved it. All the inside jokes, the milestones shared together, the ardent fleeting touches ━ where did it all go? And while you were both noticeably trying to maintain the peace and pleasantry between one another, it didn’t feel the same. It felt forced, fake. Distracted.

“I’ve been good,” You lie. “How about you? Actually, don’t answer that━” You let out a breathless chuckle. “You’ve clearly been doing amazing. I mean, your album, and your world tour. And tomorrow you’ve got a big day with the hometown show. I heard it sold out in the first ten minutes.”

“Something like that,” Jungkook says modestly. “It’s been kind of crazy. Namjoon says it’s good, but I miss━ I just miss a lot of how it used to be. The slow pace. I dunno. The quick burn up is quick to burn out, right?”

“Maybe,” You admit. “But I think you’ve all got it in you. You’ve worked so hard for this moment. Enjoy it while you’re in it. You deserve it, Jungkook.”

His stare softens as it meets yours. “Thanks.”

Another beat of silence passes. He looks as if he’s warring with himself, as if he’s fighting the urge to say something more, gnawing at his lower lip, brows knitting together.

“Yo, Jeon!” A foreign voice from amongst the crowd beckons aloud abruptly for the boy.

Jungkook glances over his shoulder swiftly in search of the source, then waves his hand as if to motion he’ll be there later. Then, he turns back to you. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. I won’t keep you,” You say. “I know you’re busy.”

“But━” He stops himself, his jaw clamping shut. Changing his mind, he decides to ask hopefully, “Will you be at the show tomorrow?”

“Of course.” The affirmation seems to relieve him, even though it’s a spontaneous decision made by you on the spot. Before this moment, you hadn’t been so sure you could go.

“Promise?”

You can’t help but shake your head, a chuckle slipping past your lips at the innocent boyish question he asks. “Yes, Jungkook.”

His smile widens a little more, however sheepish it may be. “Then can you promise me one more thing?”

“What?” You quirk a brow, intrigued to say the least.

“Will you drop by the hotel we’re staying at tomorrow morning, so I can take you out for a coffee? Just to catch up. It’s been a while,” he says timidly. Then, feeling a little stupid for being so bold, scrambles to explain himself. “And no pressure if you don’t want to. I just thought━”

You can’t possibly say no. Not when it comes to Jungkook, all your past struggles seemingly vanishing without a trace. “I’d like that a lot, Jungkook.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Then he’s positively beaming, his self-indulgent grin making your own heart flutter in your chest. When he leaves your side that night, you find yourself looking forward to the future perhaps a little too optimistically. But how terrible could grabbing coffee with your ex be, if you had survived the first wretched encounter?

So, in the morning when you wake, there’s not a stutter in your step or a wavering flicker of your confidence as you make your way to the Four Seasons hotel Jungkook had told you to from the night before. In fact, a selfish part of you almost thinks that maybe things will start to look up. That maybe you and Jungkook can finally make amends. That maybe you never had a reason to fear Jungkook breaking your heart if he made such an effort to heal it.

The hotel itself is one of the most luxurious ones in Seoul, a considerable contrast from when the boys were slumming it on friends’ couches and in their run-down van touring the country. The room Jungkook tells you to meet him at is one of the hotel’s grand suites, located on the higher levels of the building. But as soon as you reach the landing and have begun making your way towards the designated door, it flings open and a pretty girl comes stumbling out. She’s giggling at something that has just happened inside, her hair a dishevelled mess which she ruffles up in an attempt to fix it. She’s adorned in a pretty little dress, the skirt of which is hiked a little higher up and one strap falling down her shoulder, as she clings her shoes and bag to her chest. She smiles at you on the way past, though she’s too far gone in her own little daze that you wonder if she even notices you at all.

But you certainly notice her, and, all at once, your reverie of him and what could be comes crashing to the ground once more.

Maybe you should have stayed, should have waited for Jungkook to let him explain, but you were too afraid to hear an answer you weren’t looking for. You try desperately not to imagine Jungkook loving someone else. You try not to think about him holding her the same way he held you, his lips finding purchase on some other girl. But by trying to avoid the thought, it beckons the unwarranted memories of how it felt to be loved all over by him once upon a time. You wonder how many girls he’s hooked up with in your time apart, and the overwhelming sense of regret washes over you.

You don’t bother to wait. You know fleeing is the easiest option rather than facing your fear, but you’re far too timid of rejection again. Instead, even before you can approach Jungkook’s hotel room and knock on the door, you turn on your heels and run.

You’re long gone by the time Jungkook comes to the door, prying it open in search of you on a whim. When he doesn’t see you, he glances up and down the hallway but to no avail. Namjoon comes slinking past inside then in his own disoriented haze, having just woken up from moments ago when the girl he had taken back to their room the night before left. Even then, Jungkook had warned the rhythm guitarist against bringing the girl back, pointing out the fact that they had much to do today ahead of their concert. Namjoon had promised it wouldn’t be long, that she would be gone in the morning, and Jungkook was fortunate enough that the suite had two separate bedrooms on the opposite ends of one another so that Jungkook didn’t have to hear whatever it was the pair were doing in the other.

“Did Mina leave?” Namjoon asks through a yawn, digging the heels of his palms into his tired eyes. When Jungkook nods, a sliver of a reminiscent smug grin tugs at Namjoon’s lips. “You missed out, Jungkook.”

The cheeky quip is met with a roll of Jungkook’s eyes. “I’m sure I’ll survive. You know I’m not like that.”

Like that━ As in midnight hook-ups and cheap thrills alike. He tried it once, far ago when you had first broken up with him, on a drunken spur of a moment as a way of healing the anguish in his heart. It hadn’t worked then; he assumed it would never work.

Namjoon seems to understand this immediately. He gives Jungkook a look that the boy doesn’t notice. “Well… is Y/N here yet?”

“No. But I’m sure she’ll be here,” Jungkook grimaces. He hopes. “Something probably came up.”

Namjoon clasps a reassuring hand on Jungkook’s shoulder, humming aloud, “Good luck, dude.”

But you never arrive, even though Jungkook waits for most of the morning, nervous eyes flickering to the door at every commotion outside, running to check only to see room service delivering breakfast or concierge showing guests to their rooms. He has no choice but to give up on the thought of you coming when Jin knocks on their door, prompting the boys to get a start on their day. Interviews and soundcheck await, but how could he possibly go on with his life without knowing what happened to you?

Which is why you stay on his mind for the rest of the day, distracting him in every aspect, mixing up his words when he’s in the midst of his interview, tripping up on stage as the boys set up and begin to rehearse. As the hours wane down to just an hour before the show, the thought of performing in front of thousands of fans starts to make him nervous and he doesn’t know why. He’s done this countless times before, almost nightly during the tour, so what stops him now? Of course he knows the answer, had grown all too accustomed to the feeling the first few months in which the break up had been so recent. It would always be about you.

But just before the show starts, Jungkook is making his way backstage from the greenroom, where the band had been waiting, to the stage. Fiddling with his in-ear piece, he almost doesn’t notice you and Dahyun weaving your way through the roadies and sound tech, being guided by Jin to the pit on the side of the stage where only family and friends are allowed. You don’t see him, and there’s a split moment where he thinks he should just let you go, until he doesn’t.

As he makes his way to you, the tour manager for the band intervenes part way, shouting out to the boy. “Where are you going? We’re on in five, Jungkook!”

“Yeah, I’ll be right back━” He waves the manager off as politely as he can, wasting no time to chase after you. He calls out your name, though it drowns out in the sound of the music being blasted through the speakers of the arena and the screaming fans. “Y/N, wait up!”

He’s relieved when he sees you stop in your tracks, turning to face him as Dahyun and Jin become lost in the chaos of the backstage. He comes to stand just before you, smiling breathlessly at you, unaware of the way your shoulders tense at the sight of him.

“You didn’t show up this morning,” he says as a way of greeting, his voice a curious prob. “What happened?”

You try desperately not to get lost in his big beautiful eyes, laced with such hope. Instead, you fold your arms over your chest, looking away. “Something came up.”

It’s then that Jungkook senses something is wrong. You’re upset with him, though he can’t tell why. Aside from the obvious rift in your relationship that had initially split you two up, you had been so pleasant to see him the night before. But he doesn’t give up just yet. “Well… you’re here now.”

You meet his gaze with your own hardened one. “For the boys.”

A shot right to his heart almost makes Jungkook gasp for air. He flinches, and then his stare softens, and you wish he wouldn’t look at you like that, out of fear that you might just relapse into his arms.

“What’s wrong?” He closes the distance between the two of you. He wants nothing more than to reach out and touch you, but refrains with much difficulty. There’s dozens of things that could be wrong, and he braces himself for your retaliation. “You didn’t want to come, did you?”

When you don’t respond, but also don’t stray from his side, Jungkook hurries to speak again if only to fill the tense silence.

“Look, last night… Maybe it was just me, but last night seemed like things were okay,” he says. “Was I wrong to feel that way?”

“Jungkook…”

“Please, just let me know,” he begs. “Because you’re all I can think about these days, it’s driving me crazy. And I don’t know what’s going on, but the reason I wanted to see you this morning was because I hate how things ended between us, and I wanted to tell you…” He swallows nervously as he trails off uncertainly. “I wanted to tell you that I’m still in love with you. And I can’t get you out of my head. These months away from you made me realize that I━”

Suddenly, you’re shaking your head and he knows you don’t believe him. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he regrets saying it, if only because they seem to enliven you. Now, you push yourself away from the boy. “I’m not doing this right now. You’re not doing this right now.”

As if to further your point, the band’s tour manager can be heard calling out frantically for the boy. “Two minutes, Jungkook!”

But Jungkook is hardly paying attention now, instead solely focused on you. “Please, Y/N━”

“No, you don’t get to say that to me,” You admonish hotly. You can’t bite the words back, no matter how hard you try. “You don’t love me. You think you love me, but you don’t.”

His jaw clenches, and his brows furrow into a frustrated stare. “I do.”

“You don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Stop.” The harsh word makes Jungkook clamp his mouth shut. You shake your head furiously, but you know it’s only to distract yourself so that you don’t let the tears fall. “You’re being selfish, Jungkook. You don’t get to take all of me, love all of me, and leave, only to come back months later and pretend you’re still in love with me. And whatever this━” You gesture vaguely between the two of you, “is, or was, doesn’t exist anymore. We both need to stop pretending otherwise.”

Jungkook winces, eyes tinged with pain. “You don’t mean that.”

You don’t respond. Elsewhere, his tour manager starts to grow impatient, scolding the boy aloud, “Jungkook, we’re gonna be late. Hurry up!”

“Yeah, I’ll be there!” Jungkook calls back, irritated. Maybe he is being selfish. He’s wasting precious time by not leaving, all the hard work that the crew put into tonight’s show, and the fans awaiting his and the band’s arrival. He can still hear the crowd, this time their buzzing voices amalgamating into unanimous chanting muffled by the walls that sounds akin to the band’s name.

“You should go,” You say now. “Don’t wanna disappoint them.”

But he’d throw it all away for you if you told him to. He promised you that even before he had left for tour, before the band had been signed. Had you forgotten? Because he surely hadn’t.

“Y/N…”

“Good luck out there.”

Then, you’re gone before Jungkook can even make a move to stop you ━ but even if he did, what could he do to make you stay? The feat seemed impossible, and you always seem to find a way to slip from his grasp no matter what he does. Only this time he has no choice but to let you go, out of fear of being berated further by his tour manager or angering the boys so much to the point where he gets kicked out of the band.

He makes it on stage in time, the band filing out to take their places one at a time, deafening screams blowing out their in-ear pieces that stand no chance as each member joins the stage. The lights fizzle out until complete darkness cloaks the venue, but Jungkook still looks for you. He finds you in the pit on the side of the stage, Jin and Dahyun standing beside you, and finds it hard to keep his eyes off of you even though you attempt to pretend as if he’s not even there.

After their first adrenaline-filled opening song of the night, Jimin takes to the microphone to greet the crowd who scream back an indiscernible shout as, elsewhere, you notice Jungkook pry himself away from the microphone stand on his side of the stage to wave the rest of the boys over to Hoseok’s drum kit. They murmur amongst themselves briefly, though they go unnoticed by Jimin or the crowd as the lead singer entertains them.

“Seoul! It’s good to be back. We’ve missed you all so much━”

Jimin’s words get cut short when Jungkook, having just parted ways with the rest of his members for their impromptu meeting, beckons the lead singer over, out of range of the microphone. They seem to discuss something just as shortly as Jungkook had talked with the rest of the boys, in which time Jimin nods understandingly, then steps away from the microphone. Then, Jungkook takes to the microphone, the rings on his fingers glistening under the spotlight as he grips the stand.

“I know the night’s only getting started,” Jungkook’s voice wavers as he speaks, “but we’re gonna slow things down for a moment. We hope you don’t mind.”

Intrigued murmurs echo around the crowd, suddenly buzzing with excitement as they watch Jungkook with eager eyes. A few encouraging bellows has Jungkook smiling smally. Jin, on the other hand, looks perplexed.

“What is he doing?” Jin asks no one in particular, a quizzical look on his face. “This isn’t part of their set.”

“I think a lot of you might know this next song,” Jungkook continues, “but I don’t think I’ve ever expressed how much it means to me. This next one, I wrote for a special someone, and it sort of helped us achieve all of this. So, I think it’s time that person knows how much they mean to me.”

Jungkook glances nervously over at the boys standing behind him, each in their own respective spots. Then, sweeping his gaze across the crowd, he finally finds you already staring up at him. His own eyes soften into a look of longing, however hardened by past tribulations and sorrow it may be. As if he’s determined not to lose you again; determined to make it up to you.

“This next one is for Y/N,” he says timidly. He has to turn away from you in the next second, afraid he might just break down before the fans and the boys and you. “I’m sorry I messed up.”

As the boys take their place, with Jimin taking an acoustic and fading back from the limelight, you wonder why. But then you hear it, the familiar beginning chords making up the song you had so wholeheartedly claimed you hated. Only this time they’re gentler, made up of acoustic strums of a guitar, Hoseok’s drums, and Yoongi’s keys, all amalgamating into a pretty song almost unrecognizable.

Then, Jungkook starts singing, and what was once a wistful dreamy song of prospective lovers suddenly turns into a melancholic requiem for you. Some lyrics are changed, present tense turning to the past, and Jungkook sings his way throughout the entirety of the song in contrast to the one that plays all over the radio featuring the other member’s voices. The fans sing along, their voices melding with Jungkook’s into some sort of celestial mellifluous choir, and you’re left no longer wondering if the fans would ever know the meaning behind the song that Jungkook had brought to life. Because now, it wasn’t just Jungkook singing to you; it was the whole world. And yet, paradoxically at the same time, it felt all that much more intimate. As if it were just you and him once again, seated on the couch in his small apartment, listening to the beginnings of what would be their number one selling song.

Above all else, you realize that you don’t seem to hate the song as much you claimed to.

That night, you can’t sleep.

You find yourself leaving the venue earlier than everyone else, even when the boys invite you and Dahyun to join them for celebratory drinks, returning to your home in the hopes of forgetting the night altogether. Instead, you stay up tossing and turning, your mind filled with memories consisting of only Jungkook and his haunting voice singing to you, and for you. But at some point during the night nearing one or two in the morning, just when you give up on the idea of sleep, the sound of incessant knocking at your front door rouses you from your trance.

When you finally answer the door, you’re more than surprised to see that Jungkook stands on the other side of the threshold as if coming to you from a dream. But then you register the fact that he’s a complete mess. Dark circles line his weary eyes, now smudged with that faint hint of charcoal liner he had worn for the concert, hair so messily mused beyond repair, and you notice quickly that he’s crying, fresh tears glazing over his pupils and streaking down his face. It’s startling to see him in such shambles, a complete contrast to how effortlessly charming and confident he usually portrays himself. But though you’ve seen him cry before on various occasions, now is all the more unsettling.

“I━I’m sorry.” It’s the first thing he says, screwing his eyes shut tightly as he shakes his head. He fumbles over his words, slurring them together in his rush to get them out. “I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but I needed to see you.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No, no, I swear━” He pries his eyes open to meet your desolate stare, tears unabashedly falling from his lashes. His voice thins with desperation. “You said we need to stop pretending, but I’m not pretending. I never have been. And if you think ━ if you truly believe ━ that there’s nothing here between us anymore… Tell me. Right here, right now. And I’ll leave you alone forever, you’ll never have to see me again. I just━ I’ve missed you every moment and it kills me.”

You’re silent for a long period, pitying gaze sweeping over him, but he doesn’t care if he looks insane. He just needs you to know how he feels.

“Well, how do you think I felt?” You ask the question carefully, but then the memories come flooding back and the semblance of a scowl forms on your face. “You leave and suddenly everywhere I look I see you. Your song is playing everywhere, you and the guys are everywhere, and I’m reminded every day about how we ended. About how you left me.”

Jungkook blinks. He shakes his head stubbornly, the nerves in the corner of his jaw fluttering as he grits his teeth. “You were the one who said we should take a break.”

“A break!” You snap sternly. “Fuck, Jungkook. I didn’t want you out of my life forever. I wanted you to fight for me.”

“No, don’t put this all on me,” Jungkook pleads helplessly. “I have always fought for you. But the minute things got rough, you bailed. You told me you never wanted to see me again. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

“I was scared!” You try to swallow the tears away that start to form as a lump in your throat but to no avail. “I was, and I still am, so fucking scared of losing you. And you━ It felt like you gave me no choice. Like you were over it. I would have wanted to make things work but you left. You just… You left, and suddenly it was like you were never in my life at all. Seven months, and I get no word from you.”

“I fucked up, okay!” He cries out so suddenly, it silences you at once. He bites at his lip, and straightens up half-heartedly, running a hand through his hair. When he meets your stare this time, he’s zealous yet sincere. “I know that I messed up. I know. And it fucking kills me every single day. I don’t know where it went wrong, but it did, and I know it’s all my fault. When you said we should take a break and I agreed, I was only thinking about you. Because I knew I was disappointing you every day, and I was afraid that was all I would ever do, and you don’t deserve that. I thought it would be better this way, if I was just gone from your life for good. But I can’t forget you.”

“How can I trust you?” You ask. When his pained stare gawks at you, you tilt your chin a little higher. “I came by your hotel room yesterday morning, just like you asked, only to see that girl leaving.”

Jungkook’s gawk turns into a dumbfounded expression. He looks weary as he shakes his head, as if struggling to keep up with the way you accuse him now. He tries not to focus on the fact that you actually came to the hotel, then feels inconsolably terrible when he realizes why he never got to see you. “That girl was Namjoon’s fling. We were sharing the suite, and they were in a whole other room. I didn’t even think about her━”

Your stare droops from him, and he knows he’s struggling to keep you on his side.

“Okay, fine. You want trust? I’ll give it to you,” he says. A newfound sense of confidence seems to possess him, though he approaches the topic with extra caution anyway. “After we broke up, I was crushed. I couldn’t move on from you, and the guys thought I should get drunk, find a random girl to bring back to our hotel one night on tour. And I listened, because I wanted to forget you, but it didn’t work. All I could think about was you. Every time she touched me, every time she kissed me, I could only imagine it was you. And when she left that night, I broke down because I felt like such a fucking idiot. I instantly regretted it. Like, even though you and I weren’t together, I still did something to hurt you by sleeping with that girl. And all it did was hurt me too in the process.”

He pushes himself forward, taking a step over the threshold. Even despite him admitting his wrongs to you, you can’t find it in yourself to hate him. Because, at the end of it all, he’s here at your doorstep, pleading for you to forgive him, but he had already won the moment your eyes had landed on him.

“You’re the reason I am who I am today.” His voice is hoarse when he speaks, almost in a whisper. “That I get to do what I love for a living. But all of it means nothing without you. You saw me at my worst, and my best. And you were the best I ever had, and I ruined it, and the worst part of it all is that there’s nothing I can do to make up for it. But I promise I can make it better ━ I can make it right again ━ if you just give me a chance.”

There’s a short pause filled with poignant silence in which Jungkook thinks you’ll push him away or scream at him. He’s fortunate when you do neither; instead, he hears you whisper faintly.

“Kiss me, Jungkook.”

And it’s more than enough for him. His heart thrums in delight as he wastes no time in reaching out for you. His hands are warm as they come to grasp at your face, holding you delicately; then he’s leaning in to you, drawing you closer and closer until his lips are pressed against yours. It’s unadulterated, but not without feverish passion, noses smushing together in both your eager hastiness to close the distance between the two of you. It doesn’t last long either, though that’s partly because Jungkook can taste your tears mingling on your lips, and can feel your faint smile form against his mouth. Kissing him feels both foreign yet familiar at the same time. You know the feel, the taste, and the sense of comfort that comes with it, but months apart from one another has left it feeling different.

Jungkook’s thumb wipes away at the tears on your face. “Why are you crying?”

It’s a useless question, he knows, but he needs something to fill the silence. He’s relieved when he hears you snicker. “Because I miss you, you idiot. And I’m sorry I’ve been acting like such an idiot. I’ve messed everything up.”

His own shoulders quiver with contented mirth. “It’ll be okay.” As he leans in once more for another kiss, you can feel him murmur against your mouth, “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“Then make it right,” You say, “right here and now.”

“I’ll do anything for you,” he promises earnestly.

Jungkook understands the underlying yearning in your voice even without having you explain yourself. He knows, if only because he can feel it too. As his hands fall to your waist, fingers digging into your skin, your own arms wrap around his neck and pull him into your apartment. He has you pressed up against the nearest wall within seconds, kissing at your throat, then up to your jawline.

“It’s been so long,” he sighs.

You hum in agreement, though your mind is already spinning, and all you can muster is a weak yet urgent croak of his name. “Jungkook.”

Your fingers thread through his hair, tugging at the roots and he croons with delight. His lips finally meet yours again, only this time he lets his tongue lav at your lower lip. Almost as soon as he does so, you notice something strange. It takes a moment for you to register the small metallic object that grazes your lower lip but when you do, you pull away from the boy.

“What’s wrong?” Jungkook asks in a confused dazed.

“Is that…” You rasp. “Did you get your tongue pierced?”

Suddenly, Jungkook is smirking, one brow shooting up to his hairline in a smug demeanour. He sticks out his tongue for you to see the silver ball poking through and you almost moan at the sight of it as the thought entices you.

“Oh.” Your face warms with a flustered blush. “That’s new.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Always wanted to get it done. Guess I was saving it for the right moment.”

“Right moment, huh?” You scoff as if the implications don’t already have your thighs rubbing together. “Care to explain?”

“I think you’ll find out soon enough.”

You dissolve into a fit of giggles, marvelling at the way Jungkook’s familiar flirtatious bantering can soothe your troubled heart at once. It’s almost as if time hasn’t lapsed between the two of you.

“I’ve missed this,” You sigh. “I’ve missed you, Jungkook.”

You spot him smiling before he’s kissing you again, this time his tongue slipping past your parted lips to meet yours midway. The piercing is strange to adjust to, but you get used to it quickly, humming at the feeling of it against the soft flesh of your tongue. It’s easy to get lost in one another’s lips as you pull and tug at Jungkook, guiding him to your bedroom, nearly tripping and stumbling over one another in the process. He knows the path like the back of his hand, the same way he knows every curve and dimple of your body as his greedy hands explore you. He has you sprawled out beneath him on the bed in a matter of seconds, carelessly shedding each other of your clothes until you’re left naked and he’s without a shirt.

As he’s tugging off the hoodie you’re wearing, he realizes two things abruptly. One: you’re not wearing anything beneath it, your bare body dazzling him at once. And, two: a sudden thought jogs his memory that makes him ponder aloud, “Is this my sweater?”

“Yes,” You admit sheepishly.

He smirks. “Was wondering where it went.”

“You forgot to take it back when…” You don’t finish your sentence. Instead, you tug your fingers at the hair at the nape of his neck, as if scared he’ll leave again. He doesn’t. Instead, he nestles his body between your legs, tonguing patterns on your neck. “I wear it sometimes, especially when I’m missing you. I don’t know… It just━ It still smells like you, even after all this time.”

Jungkook’s heart nearly implodes. He wonders briefly if he’d prefer fucking you without or with the hoodie; but then he’s letting himself time to study your naked body and he deduces he needs to gaze at you in your entirety a little longer.

“Keep talking,” he murmurs. He starts kissing down your body now, starting from your throat to your collarbones, between the valley of your breasts, then your navel. “Tell me more. How badly did you miss me?”

“So badly,” You whimper. Your legs instinctively part to make way for him as he shifts downward, kissing just above your core. A shudder runs down your spine when he kisses the inside of your thigh. “Sometimes I’d put your sweater on and touch myself to the thought of you.”

He grunts against you, teeth softly biting at your flesh. His tongue pokes against your thigh, the metallic piercing a dully cold sensation as he licks upward to your core. He laps at your folds, as if to taste the glistening cum that starts to form.

Your breath audibly hitches in your throat, hips jutting forward to meet his mouth. “I missed your hands, and the way they made me feel. Missed your mouth between my legs. Missed cumming on your tongue, or your fingers.”

Now, you’re starting to understand what he meant by waiting for the right moment to use the piercing to its fullest potential. As he lifts his head higher to tongue at your clit, the piercing makes your head spin. The contrast between his soft tongue and the harsh metal works wonders against you, rubbing you just the right way that has you a moaning mess beneath him within a matter of seconds.

“Fuck━” You cry out, hands twisting in his hair. “My hands never feel the same. You always made me feel so good, Jungkook.”

He hums something in response, the sound reverberating up your spine. He busies himself by replacing his tongue with his finger, rubbing small, controlled circles against your clit as he lowers his mouth to your folds. He teases the piercing against the sensitive flesh before lapping at your insides, burrowing further into you.

“Ooh, Jungkook━”

The noise that eclipses your throat is a piqued sob of delight. The piercing that scratches against your walls has your insides throbbing, body twisting and turning beneath him. You grab at your breasts, fingers pinching at the perked buds as you imagine Jungkook’s hands in replace of yours.

His mouth wraps just right around you and he sucks hard, earning a beautiful moan from you. It doesn’t take long for you to draw closer to your high, sputtering and whimpering at every action he does. Soon he’s burrowing his face even closer against your core, nose nudging against your clit in a way that makes you writhe and squirm. Before he can get carried away (and he certainly could), Jungkook decides to come to a stop which seems to thoroughly surprise and upset you. When you feel his missing warmth between your legs and the sticky wet mess accentuated further by the cool air that hits you, you pout like a child.

“That’s not fair,” you whine.

“Sorry, baby. Need to feel you.” He pulls away from you and crawls over your body once more. He kisses your lips, sloppy and heated, and lets you taste your own succulence on your tongue. “God, I need to feel you so bad.”

You’re just as much startled as you were seconds ago to hear the slight whine in his voice, a sound hot enough to almost push you over the edge.

“I’ve missed you too, just so you know,” he moans, burrowing his face in the crook of your neck. Your fingers continue to scratch delicately at his scalp and he simpers delightfully against you. He ruts his hips eagerly against yours, the bulge in his pants rough against your core. “So fucking much.”

“How much?” Now it’s your turn to ask, your curiosity getting the best of you once you find your voice.

“Every day,” he sighs as he continues to grind his hips into yours. “Get so hard at the thought of you. Your pretty mouth moaning my name. Your hands in my hair, just like this━” You pull a little tighter at the roots of his locks, and he has to stifle his contented moan. “And your body━ Fuck, your body. You take my dick so well, baby.”

“Jungkook,” You mewl impatiently. “Wanna feel you in me.”

“Fuck, okay. Okay━”

He hastens to rid himself of his pants and you help, arms momentarily tangling with one another in your rush. Then he’s kneeling before you, one hand planted firmly on your hip, rings digging roughly against your skin, as his other hand wraps a fist around his hard length, slowly pumping himself. He guides the tip of his leaking cock to your core and pushes himself forward carefully. He easily slips past your folds, coaxed by your slick walls, that he has to pause to give you both time to adjust to the feeling. It’s just as he remembered, though somehow better, and he isn’t so sure how long he’ll last. You don’t know either, marvelling in the way he stretches you open.

“Oh, shit,” he grunts.

He watches as your jaw drops open in a silent gap, your eyes fixed only on his. You grab at his hips, fingers scratching delicately over the laurel tattoos inked there, prompting him to move. He does so in one languid movement, burying deeper and deeper into you until you feel so full and he feels so warm. He fucks into you a little sluggish at first, taking his time and enjoying the way your clenching walls feel around his throbbing cock. It’s a pace so maddening that it soon has the both of you panting, heavy moans filling the space around you. Your own fingers dig into his shoulders, his back, his hips ━ anything to keep a hold on reality as you slowly lose yourself to the pleasure. He reaches for one of your hands, eager to feel you in more ways than one, and laces his digits with yours, pressing your clasped palms above your head. You squeeze tightly, his name falling from your lips in a cry.

“Doing so good,” he mumbles through gritted teeth. “Feel so nice, baby.”

Jungkook grasps at your hips and flips the two of you over. He lands on his back on the soft mattress and you fumble to not break the pace. Firmly planting your hands on his chest, you grind against him, sweat coating your forehead. He watches you with a dark fascination, brows screwed together and jaw clenched as your own cum starts leaking down his length. Not wanting to waste another moment without being beside you, he sits up and shifts you in his lap. Then he pulls you close to him, chest pulled flush against chest to the point where he can feel the rapid beat of your heart against his. You whimper aloud, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck as he guides your hips back and forth on him. There’s little to no space between your gyrating bodies, sweaty skin sticking to one another.

At some point, Jungkook notices you’re crying again, steady tears tangling in your lashes and wetting your face. Despite the way you’re driving him to near euphoria, he brushes your hair out of your face and manages to ask, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m sorry━ fuck,” You gasp. He can tell you’re genuinely sympathetic for whatever’s making you cry but it’s hard for you to convey it properly when you’re still so consumed by him. “I’m so sorry━ I’m okay. I just━ You feel so good, Jungkook.”

“It’s okay,” he whispers, rubbing tender circles against your waist that contrasts with the fierce burn between your legs. “You’re okay, baby. Doing so well for me, aren’t you? Cum for me, yeah?”

You won’t tell him why you’re crying ━ not yet, at least. But Jungkook thinks he knows why; he can feel it too. The bitter sense of longing and mingling regret for all the time lost. The overwhelming feeling of love of finally being reunited. You continue to roll your hips against his, and he, breathless, rubs his nose faintly against yours, resting his forehead against yours.

It doesn’t take much longer after that for you to come tumbling to you high. He strokes your hair so lovingly as you ride him recklessly, leisure rolls of your hips driving you to your high. When you cum, the feeling completely washes over you and electricity crackles in your veins, warming your entire body. He holds you close to his chest the entire time as you writhe with pleasure, your walls clenching around his cock.

“Fuck, I’m gonna━” His voice splinters off as you busy yourself by sucking a bruise onto the underside of his jaw.

He reaches his high moments later just as you’re beginning to wince at the feeling of oversensitivity. He grunts and groans, spilling his hot seed into you, and then, with his hips slammed against yours, grinds leisurely to ride out your highs.

Then, the room falls silent.

Neither of you move from your warm embrace, with you still perched on his lap, his cock softening inside you as his cum runs down his length and onto your thighs. Your face is hidden in the crook of his neck, and he waits until you’ve both calmed down from your orgasms. You’re running your fingers through his sweaty hair, but he knows you’re still sad. He kisses you all over in the meantime, a few ticklish kisses that make you smile sleepily and a few loving ones that have your heart swelling. Then, he gingerly shifts your head to look at him.

“Why were you crying?” he asks silently.

It takes you a moment to respond. You cling to him tightly when you do and all he can do is cradle you closer to him. “I don’t want this to be some kind of drunken one night stand thing. Like we both needed one last fuck to get over each other, or something."

“You mean more to me than a one night stand,” Jungkook says and it makes you smile smally, a little timidly. 

“That’s good,” You say, “because I’m not over you or us. I want us to work out. I love you too much to lose you again, and I’m scared this might be the last time I’ll ever see you.”

“I’m not letting that happen,” Jungkook shakes his head furiously. “I’d be an absolute idiot to let that happen. You won’t lose me. I’m not going anywhere this time. You’re my priority, Y/N. You always have been. Not the band and definitely not the record label.”

“I’m sure the boys will love to hear that,” You snort to yourself.

“Yeah, well, I’m sure they’ll understand,” Jungkook grins. But you’re only joking, and you know he sort of is too. That’s not to say the band isn’t still important to him, but you take precedent over it. “Without you, I wouldn’t even have the chance to be where I am now.”

You nuzzle your nose against his own, and he steals one sweet kiss from you. 

“Do you really mean all that?”

“With my whole heart.”

And, when he says it, you know he means it. There’s no reason not to trust him.

You’ll both move eventually from one another’s arms, soft touches from Jungkook peeling you off of him and wrapping you in your covers before falling asleep beside you, and waking up in the morning with you in his arms. But, for now, it’s just you and him, a little broken still yet all the more in love.

While you both know healing a broken heart will take time, you’re both prepared for it because you’re both worth it to one another ━ and that’s all either of you really need in the end to make it right.

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