#and yet im unable to do most thing myself. what an adult i am (<- internalized ableism sufferer)

[nicepersondisorder]

i feel too old for my actual age. i looked at my groupmates yesterday and my first thought was "Holy Shit its a CHILD" and yet theyre like. year younger than me. and not children.

ive never felt like my actual age, i guess? it always felt like i was several years older. im not sure why

[sangaverage]

About Me I guess

NOT AN RP ACCOUNT/BLOG BUT ROLEPLAYERS AND LIFESTYLERS ARE WELCOME TO VISIT!

that being said, I do post about VTM and VTR on occasion.

Please get yourself an icon and some posts behind you (not likes, though I will see if they are semi consistent) otherwise you may pass as a potential bot and get yourself blocked, thank you

(porn blogs are blocked if it's irl nudity and makes me uncomfortable, I'm all for body positivity but some things I would rather not see grace my dash!

Nsfw text and not real nudity is acceptable but I will block of I feel it makes me uncomfortable!)

I do try to keep it as light-hearted as possible over here! But Things May Happen...

FUNDRAISERS/ COUNTRY AID NOTE:

I currently do not have a job due to my neurodivergence giving me issues with most if not all work environments, Therefore Also, I unfortunately am unable to donate money to any causes or charities. I am sorry about that! do know that I am generally upset about the same things going on as you are! but please please please, do not try to peer pressure me to donate money! Not only that but I don't trust alot of people I don't know on the internet with money because sometimes you honestly cannot tell what is legitimate and what's going to clone your bank information, (Again) be careful folks! It's unfortunate but it does happen and some people are more than happy to take current events as an excuse to swindle the weak or vulnerable!

-First things first despite what you may be thinking I am an adult lol.

-I reblog More than I post usually, But You'll Know Its A post of mine as ill sign off with an Ankh (☥)

-I'm rather eclectic and into many things but this blog is just/Mostly for the Vampyre part. any non vampire, autumn or demonolatry related posts will be marked as "Not vampire related" or if from me titled "not a vampire post..."

-other things include But are not limited to: VTM, VTR, Hardstyle Music, Metal Music, Anything Gothic, Halloween (like all the time lol), Autumn/Fall (its may favourite season), Bats, Crows, Monsters (In general), Video Games, Books (bonus points if there witchy or Vampire), Animal crossing, Monster hunter.

I am a and Accept/Respect:

-Sanguinarian(s)/Psychic(s)/Tantric Feeder(s)

-Nerodivergent person(s)

(Especially anxiety and autistic spectrum)

-A-spec(s) (both Autistic and Asexual, I'm Demi Myself)

-Witchcraft practitioner/ eclectic witch(s)

(but please be mature if it's something you don't practice please That being said however:

PLEASE NO DISCOURSE!

-Demonolator(s)/ LHP Practitioner(s)

-Vulture Culture Collector(s)

I'm not but will accept/respect:

-Lifestyle Vampire(s)

-Any LGBTQ+ that I haven't mentioned yet that is legitimate (No MAPs)

-All Races (this should not have to be said but hey)

-System/DID

I'm not sure about this, but I still like you, You are Welcome here:

-Xenogender/Xenic

-Therian/Otherkin/Alterhumans/ Voidpunk etc

im not sure this blog is the best place for you, but you are welcome to stay if you insist:

-People who aren't into Vampires

(why are you here then lol)

-Roleplayers/Roleplay Blogs/ Kin for Fun

(you are welcome here but bare in mind this blog is serious about its topics, minus the occasional post often VTM, VTR or tagged "just for fun")

-Minors, you are welcome to stay but please be safe!

(I only say this due to some more mature discussions such as Medical Blood consumption Etc)

NOTE 1: I personally see my vampirism as Spiritual as well as a completely normal side of myself, I didn't choose anything, I awakened and this is and always will be me. (your vampiric experience may vary)

I consider myself a "Ronin" Vampyre as I'm not a part of the larger VC (vampire community) due to too much squabbling in most Houses/Groups/Orders or just general disagreement over what that group stands for Vs what I stand for.

I'm not hurting anyone, call it escapism if you wish, don't like it, that's cool you don't have to, just don't be an ass about it.

(I also Have a YouTube, but that is a hobby and does not earn me anything right now!)

NOTE 2: As this is primarily a vampire blog, there will inevitably be some posts that contain Blood, mild gore, written (fake) violence etc! I do apply trigger warnings in the tags As "tw ______" but I shall re-warn you here!

Note 4: I Consider myself semi Antinomian, (definition here) do note that while I may not be a religion you are, I do accept you being that religion (unless its Nazi in any way sorry, I really shouldn't have to mention this) We all have different paths for different reasons, I respect that and so should you!

there may also be the occasional post that I will be unsure of the maturity of... if I feel or deem something is up with the image that certain eyes may not wish to see, I will tag it as "Nsft?"

-End Rant-

I would just like to share (again) that I also have a YouTube, It Has the same name as my blog (SangAverage) And covers stuff on Vampyres and also magick, Mostly from a Sanguinarian and slightly Spiritual Vampyre Perspective as well as somewhat Medsang.

You are welcome to come over and see if it's for you or not (Just pretty please behave yourselves either way! Comments are mostly on but moderated)

Here's your Link: https://youtube.com/@sangaverage-yt?si=1n15zrQiV1seOOJi

Userbox and Divider credits:

-anitalenia

-Sangaverage

-Sangaverage

-Sangaverage

-sangaverage (just for fun lol)

^ icons for my userboxes are Mintaka code and found on SAVCC so credit to them

Don't be afraid to mutual me! I Don't Bite

(at least without Consent)

Thanks for your time See You all Across the veil In The Realm of SangAverage!

Or not whichever!

Enter Freely And of your own Free will!

And Sanguinarians: there's some useful resources for you in a dropdown menu if you go to my actual URL here!

I am trying to make my posts and anything I Reblog more inclusive to those who have a hard time reading/ Cannot read small text/ are visually impaired by adding notes to posts I seem important enough as "Screen reader ID (example text here!)"

☥

[diary-of-an-addict]

I’ve always been partial to the poem about people being in your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.

It’s funny because even with my liking to this poem I often forget that I am a season person.

I’ve always struggled to make and maintain lasting relationships. It’s almost as if the majority of not all the people I encounter no matter how much I want them to stay around are merely there to either teach me a lesson or be there and gone when things benefit them.

I learned this lesson again recently. It was my daughter 1st birthday and of course I have a new group of friends found where most adults do in my place of employment so that’s who I invite. Yet attending a 1 year olds birthday isn’t exciting. And neither is supporting your supposed friend on the first anniversary of what was likely one of the most traumatic days of her life, but they don’t see those thoughts those feelings. Or maybe they do and they just don’t care.

I often find myself remembering a time when my life was much more hectic yet I was so happy the people in my life some still even around like family to me. The people who continue to cheer me on from a far but always show up when you need them. Why is it so easy for me to forget about them and be so upset about those who obviously don’t even care.

I feel like I’m drowning within my mind. My thoughts float away from my mind and quickly as I think them lately.

It’s like I have a flickering bulb in my brain one minute it’s on then the next it’s blank. I’ve felt this shut off once before. Unable to remember door codes I had set the day before.

I’m sinking into the darkness and I have no where to turn so here I am again writing words. I come here every couple months spill the thoughts that flow through my mind. I wonder if anyone reads this probably not so I just continue to write.

Pointless complaints about a mind so broken even humpty dumptys men couldn’t put it back together again.

I’m a burden. A strain on my family, a menace as a mom, a train wreck as a daughter, used to be the only thing I did right was work and I can’t even do that anymore.

I drown my sorrows without the ability to stop but why would I want to it’s the only thing that seems to care and want to take away this pain I’m in.

You always hear check on your strong friends. Don’t forget to check in with the happy one of the group. Blah blah blah yeah that’s me smiling on the outside while inside I want to die of a thousand cuts. Never allowing anyone to get close enough to me to know the darkness that lies within. Maybe that’s the problem I don’t let people be lifetime friends. It must be my fault why people can’t be there for me. I’m too awkward, annoying, clingy. Too soft spoken to express my needs or boundaries then when I do if they are questioned I just put them back in the padded box they came from because why do my needs care when they obviously are interfering with what someone else is trying to do.

I fucking hate myself and i wish so badly I didn’t but I do. I try so hard to be the person everyone wants me to but while doing so I’ve lost sight of myself. The things I love, and simply enjoy to do. Im miserable in my own skin but the sad thing is I don’t see another way.

[rigelmejo]

march - just some thoughts

i have read more this month than any other month? and its not slowing down its only 3/12 so i have 2/3 of a month to go and i’ve read 26 chapters. even if these chapters are ‘short’ at 10 pages, if i wanna count by ‘20 page’ chunks i’ve still read 13 chunks so far. and i’ve still got more time in the month left. most other months i’ve managed to read ‘a lot’ i read 10-20 chapters. so i’m doing really good.

grammar is a weird thing? in reading i feel like its quite easy now to understand. when listening or watching - same. and yet if asked ‘why do i say/type X’ or ‘why is it written/spoken like X’ i have absolutely no explanation in my head. i could not explain the grammar if prompted. this puts me in a weird place and i feel like i SHOULD go over a grammar guide again just so i can WORD what i’m intuitively understanding.

this is a bit bizarre to me because within the first 6 months of study i DID read through an entire grammar guide just to get an idea of what i was about to look at, and it hardly made sense once actually reading/watching/listening. i understood the guide fine, but actually Seeing chinese i was still confused. i would reference AllSetLearning’s Chinese Wiki on some basic points, then after 6 months i just stopped. now its been what 1.5 years and - reading is so easy, listening is so easy, grammar wise. none of the grammar confuses me. but i no longer ‘explicitly’ have any idea what the fuck the grammar is. i used to. i studied it explicitly before trying to read/listen. and yet now that i can read/listen, i have no idea how to explain the grammar. i can listen to a podcast and i don’t think about what the grammar is i just get it. i read and just know what i’m looking at. its like english - i cannot fucking explain it. Which makes speaking/writing a bit hard. Because when i try to check if i’m right i have no fucking clue HOW anymore - i just say/write what comes to mind and HOPE it makes sense. i have no way to conciously check for errors except ‘does this feel right’? And that’s not good enough for me lol. So I definitely do need to eventually read a grammar guide for explicit explanations again.

Technically I think “English and Chinese Grammar Side By Side” grammar book would be an excellent one to use. Because i read the first 50 pages of it and it compared it to english (so it explained english too), and it was very easy to understand and started basic then got more involved. 

I’m probably gonna use my very old Chinese Grammar Self Taught by Thimm book instead. Just because I really like that book. Then I guess use another after (probably Basic Chinese Sentence Patterns since its modern and perfect for ‘catch your own mistakes’ study and much shorter than Eng+Chinese Grammar side by side). 

Anyway I’m in a very weird place right now lol. I know i’m understanding grammar that is stuff I never even studied initially in the grammar guide, but unable to explain what it is, and a lot of stuff i did explicitly study in a grammar guide i completely forgot the explanation for. My reading and listening is GREAT, because all my effort only has to go into learning new words lately! its relaxing! Its the only part i need to do! But my writing/speaking i am very concerned about because being able to check myself for mistakes is something i’d like the ability to do.

how grammar is presented really makes a difference in how well i get it. there is some serious benefit to ‘show simple first then build up what you know’ that text books tend to prefer. versus like grammar reference books that may start with some in depth stuff.

i tried to read a japanese grammar guide the other day and 1 it was great but 2 it covered some ADVANCED stuff i never learned in genki 1+2, and so it was Explicit grammar description of stuff i had literally years ago been immersing in japanese and Still not conciously known about. So i felt. Overwhelmed lol. I felt so confused. I feel like I might switch to Tae Kim’s grammar guide primarily just because its structured with basics covered first. and i feel like until the basics are again glued into my brain, seeing even more advanced stuff just confused me so much i had no idea how to remember it. which is funny because? my usual strategy with grammar guides is to just read it and let what sticks stick and what is confusing be moved on from, in the hope i will later see it again and understand it better. so like based on what i usually do i should’ve just been able to read through it (and i’m gonna try anyway lol). but truly japanese grammar just... my mind does not like wrapping around it and remembering it. (chinese grammar is so much easier for me... so much easier....;-; )

i have been tempted to just Restart Nukemarine’s LLJ (Lets Learn Japanese) memrise decks, because I KNOW they worked for me last time really really well. And they include Tae Kim grammar lessons. And I know if i did it then maybe i’d get back to where i was years ago pretty fast.

I tried Earthlingo app. Its a cool idea, I don’t think its worth it though unless you planned to get Rosetta Stone (since Earthlingo is FREE). Earthlingo features 1000 words per language, taught to you by exploring video game worlds as an alien. Its a cool concept, but since all words seem to be nouns then you aren’t even learning the most common verbs/adjectives. And 1000 words is not a lot. And you could learn 1000 quite fast if using srs flashcards like Memrise or Anki (think weeks if you push yourself, and a month or two months if going at a regular pace). Earthlingo you have to slowly explore the worlds so that eats time, you have to choose to test yourself (so you don’t review nearly as often as flashcard apps), and one test includes walking around the world clicking the object which you’re given the word for (takes time to find the right object). All this means a word that might take maybe 15 minutes to study over a few weeks, might instead take much longer to study and learn. I don’t use duolingo because it generally covers so few words (usually 2000-4000 i think which is good for a beginner resource but you have to do the WHOLE course to get to all those words and i take so long on duolingo that could take YEARS for me versus a month on a flashcard app or clozemaster). Duolingo I also don’t use because it very slowly paces learning material (it takes me months/years to get through 1000 words on duolingo - just personally i go so slow on it, i think faster people would find a use for it). Likewise Lingodeer takes me AGES to get through (and i think covers 2000 words nowadays? I’m shocked Duolingo has more words for the japanese course tbh). However, Lingodeer is by far the best ‘app’ for Japanese grammar lessons in app practice form. Even if basically all the apps feel pretty slow to me in how fast they give you new info. Earthlingo is cool that its free, and for learners 12 and under i think it would be super useful as a way to engage them and keep them studying (since what child likes flashcards? whereas as a child i would’ve loved this). But as an adult Earthlingo is sooooo slow on how fast you can learn words, and it does not even offer very many words (1000 is a nice bare minimum but without verbs/adjectives it can only be a supplementary learning tool for beginners at best).

Link about Lingodeer having 2000 words in a course. (Since its SO hard to lookup how much vocabulary lingodeer includes :c )

Nukemarine’s LLJ memrise decks (which I’m considering going through again but ToT agh flashcardssssss.... they sure do work though agh)

http://www.chinese-grammar.com/beginner/ - this is the site I read a chinese grammar guide on at like Month 3. I am rereading it now maybe it will help me remember wtf grammar explicitly is. ToT (A tip, read Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced sections). Last time I visited the site you just clicked a section, then saw each fully explained grammar point and clicked ‘next’ it was nice. Now its laid out a little less ideal for me, but its still got all the same nice info! (Also honestly if you are a beginner I really DO like this grammar guide... it introduces basic info first, gradually gets more complex, and i could follow its logic knowing like 200 hanzi and 100 words ToT. its very easy to understand even if it takes a while to apply that info).

im probably gonna read hanshe more today. i’m at the point where either i know enough vocab, or the writers style has just ‘clicked’ idk. but now i just am not getting bogged down by unknown words and am just. speeding through enjoying the plot. Also rip me this novel has 155 chapters and im only on chapter 30.

watching japanese lets plays is really fun! i feel like im 3 years old cause i just see nouns i can learn pretty easy in context cause i know the game well, and hear some vaguely familiar verbs, but its fun! also it helps i know kingdom hearts 2 like by heart so. a lot of it makes me instantly cheerful and nostalgic. roxas’s voice is so cute in the japanese version.

oh i almost forgot: I found a book recently for chinese that for it’s like 10 page grammar guide summary at the beginning ALONE i think is more than worth the 4 dollars it costs to get. It has a ton of compound words and its a reference book in mandarin and cantonese (it has pronunciation for both, all characters are in traditional). I got it initally because it as a bunch of compound words and I’d like to get better at knowing a lot of common ones. But the intro to the book has a page explaining sentence structures in chinese, then examples. Its so straightforward and to the point. I love it. The book is “Understanding Chinese: A Guide to the Usage of Chinese Characters” by Rita Mei-Wah Choy. (There is also a companion book for individual hanzi, which is nice but this book specifically I’m finding more useful).

what i really like about Listening-Reading method, and reading, as study activities: no matter how I do them it is only improvement. I have a tendency to ‘redo’ material i don’t feel i fully mastered, or refuse to move on. So when i have duolingo, flashcards (sometimes i can move on if i ignore reviews/make myself do new stuff), books, grammar guides, self guided classes - i have a tendency to redo the material. over and over. and not progress and challenge myself. whereas with reading - every time i look up a word its useful because its new or something i clearly Need to review (not something i’ve actually learned and can move past reviewing). so whether i reread material or read new stuff, as long as i run into things i find somewhat challenging (feel the desire to word look up), i know i am running into new material i can learn. Same with listening-reading method: whether i finish a book or just skip to random books, any new chapter i do will give me new words to learn/remember (until i’ve reached a point of perfect listening comprehension which is a WAYS away). There’s no way for me to mess it up. I can give up a book im bored with, i don’t have to stick to one resource to the end. 

someone tell me why professionally made chinese audio books almost NEVER line up to the chapters???? whyyyyy ;-;

Even More Notes lol:

So I read so much in Pleco, which auto pronounces, I have COMPLETELY forgot. 得 地 - for these two, when they’re attached after a description like 淡淡 慢慢 高兴 etc, when are they pronounced di versus de???? i’m pretty sure  得 is pronounced de when its an adjective like ‘-ly’. but for  地, i don’t remember if when part of a describer if its pronounced di or de????

[fruityutas]

a flower for your thoughts?

flowershop owner!johnny x gn!reader

genre ~ heart wrenching fluff!

not proofread

also! credit to my beautiful moot @jenojam for this idea!! MWAH ILY BBY

synopsis ~ johnny owns a quaint flower shop in a small town, and you just happen to choose a different route to school one day and pass by, catching his attention

warnings ~ age gap(? its only 6 yrs and the reader is legal)

note ~ i used some descriptive words for the readers features, but i still kept them gender neutral (as possible) if you think otherwise, let me know! i’m always here for constructive criticism (now that doesn’t mean yell at me in my asks box, please dont do that i will cry)💖

the flower shop never got busy enough to forget anyone’s face, but johnny didn’t mind. he loved seeing the same faces day in and day out. the sweet old man with a dedication to bring his wife flowers every week, the young woman who buys her daughter peonies every month, or the couple that come in every other week to ‘surprise’ the other even though they know each of them has been here. what johnny did every day was expected, a routine of sorts. but today was different. you passed by his shop, walking at a leisurely pace. johnny was enamored by your simple beauty. your hair looked as soft as a cloud and your face held the most gorgeous smile. ‘wow they’re beautiful’ johnny stared as you passed by, unable to even close his mouth as he snipped the flower stems. the sweet scent you left behind lulled him further into his trance. the next day johnny was expecting the same old things to happen, and they did, until you walked by yet again. this time, though, you stopped in front of the shop and went in. a soft smile graced your features as you looked at all the arrangements. “do you do all these yourself?” you startled johnny momentarily. “oh, uh yes, i do everything you see here. are you looking for anything specific? i can have it done within the hour.” you shook your head “ah~ no. im just looking around places i’ve never been to before. this is a quaint shop you have!” johnny’s face lit up in a gorgeous smile, and you blushed while glancing away. he turned towards a row of flowers, before turning back to you and handing you a beautiful red flower. “oh? what kind is this?” you ask while taking the flower to smell it. “ it’s an amaryllis, smells nice doesn’t it?” “it smells divine, how much is it?” you pull your wallet out to pay, but johnny stops you. “no no, this one’s on me.” your eyes widened. “are you sure? i dont mind, really.” johnny smiled even wider at you. “well you can pay by telling me your name?” you blushed and mumbled your name to him. “ahh what a beautiful name for an equally beautiful person. you should stop by more often, ya’know.” “hmm, i think i will. i have to get going now, though.” the door to the shop jingled a sweet tune as you left. johnny only knew your name and he was already in deep.

you kept your promise and came the next day, smiling brighter than before as you walked in. “hello again! i never got your name by the way, thats a little unfair huh?” you joked lightly with him. “mm you’re right. my name’s johnny.” you shook his large hand and leaned against the counter. “so flowers? what compelled you to own a flower shop, johnny?” he blushed and chuckled. “well my mother owned this shop, actually. but she’s getting a little old so i took over for her.” “oh my, you’re such a great son! but if you dont mind, if she’s getting old how old are you?” “a curious one, aren’t you? i turned 25 this year, im getting a little old myself huh?” a look of shock graced your features for just a second before returning to normal. “of course not! you’re not that far off from me anyway.” “oh? well how old are you?” “nineteen last month, actually.” johnny stopped for a second, looking at you with all seriousness. “so you dont mind me hitting on you? i’ll stop if you dont like it.” you giggled while playing with a few loose strands of johnny’s hair. “i dont mind, its really not that much, plus i’m an adult that can make my own decisions.” he laughs and gets up, walking towards a group of flowers. “a flower for your thoughts?” he gives you the carnation while smiling. “hmm i think your really sweet, johnny.” his thoughts ran wild, all of them about you. he adored the way his name sounded from your mouth. you gave him a hug as you left the shop, the jingle of the bell sounding somehow prettier in your presence. johnny was whipped.

this continued on for weeks, each day a different flower, all with meanings that you didn’t know. until one day you walk in much later than usual, an angry look on your face. “good morning, beautiful. whats wrong?” his voice was laced with worry. “we’re you ever gonna tell me these flowers had meaning?” johnny stumbled over his words, trying to explain that he thought you knew, when you giggled. “i’m just joking, johnny. i think its sweet you gave me all these flowers.” he breathes a sigh of relief and leans over the counter, hiding his face. “i really thought you were mad at me.” he pouted. “i am kinda mad you still haven’t asked me out.” his head snapped up, a look of surprise on his face. “i- would you like to be my girlfriend, y/n?” you walked up to him and pressed a sweet peck to his lips. “of course i would, you airhead.” he lifts you into a bear hug and presses kisses all over your face before ending on your lips. “we should go on an actual date huh?” he asked while putting you down. you intertwined your hands and looked up at him. “i’m free today?” “perfect, how about lunch?” “sounds good to me.” as johnny locked up the shop, he never felt happier than he did now.

[hanibalistic]

hey!! i’ve been reading through your hyunjin works and just wanted to say i love the way you write him! of course, your writing is amazing for all the members too but for hyunjin you always mention how beautiful he is, and i’m amazed by how many different ways you’re able to do that bc it never feels repetitive!! and i’m also fascinated by how despite the emphasis on his etherealness he still feels human and real. ig that kinda sounds weird but a lot of the works i’ve read describe beauty in good-looking characters so much to the point where it ends up feeling a bit unreal and kinda hard to imagine. but you do it just the perfect amount, and always balance it out with other aspects of him! and i also love love the hyunjin’s dynamic with mc in all of your works, and love how much depth you give their characters too, the quirks and habits you assign, which goes for all your works too.

but i think what i like most about ur hyunjin fics is the atmosphere is each of them. i’m not exactly sure how to describe the feeling each gives me and certainly not eloquent enough to do it either, but there’s always this tenderness? it’s like your works of him are coated in this fuzzy pink tenderness but then if u look behind that layer you’d get this boundless cosmos of potent emotions—sometimes it takes me a second or third read to fully comprehend just how many emotions there are or how strong they are (or sometimes just to fully fathom how beautifully put together your words and sentences are lol)

maybe it’s that way for all of your works which i haven’t gotten through yet so forgive me if that isn’t true. and maybe im just hyunjin-deprived atm 😂

this doesn’t rlly make any sense lmao anyways point is you’re an amazing writer and i love your writing style!! thank you for giving me such wonderful experiences!

hello there (❁´◡`❁) this is a rather long ask that deserves a long answer so i am going to bust out the cute faces! first of all, thank you so much for reading my works! i am happy that you like them!

hyunjin... he is not my most well-written member, so i am surprised to hear so many compliments on my writing for his works (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ) i do tend to focus on his looks a lot, mainly because i project into my writing a lot and well, i admire his appearances. but you are absolutely correct, ultimately i do not think ethereal is the word to describe hyunjin. if anything i think it degrades him in a sense. i explained it here in this ask, if you have not looked into it!

with all the kindness and affection he displays, hyunjin acts far too human, far too down-to-world for us to downgrade him to something we cannot explain. to just use a pretty word, like 'ethereal' to describe and call it a day. we can explain him, we can read him. that's the fundamental part of his beauty. it's that he is understandable and he makes us feel familiarity. he is not stars or galaxies, he is not here to be unknown and discovered. hyunjin wants to be heard and seen. he is here to be remembered and felt; the young scribbles on the rusty paint of your old home, the broken eye of your worn teddy bear that has rolled to the corner of your old room, the smell of your mother's shampoo after you left to be an adult for too long. it takes some time for you recognize, but they are not to be learned but to be remembered and felt.

tl;dr hyunjin is not the ethereal space. he is not stars and moon and sun. he is nothing out of touch. he is home. just home. a home that we have always had, a home that we can always go back to.

anyway, enough about that (although there seem to never be enough for hyunjin!). i never really thought my characters are anything special. for now, i think i am priding myself in my world-building and plot ideas (〃ﾟ3ﾟ〃) but thank you for liking my characters! they are always, somehow, a part of me. who i want to be, who i am, who i hated, who i wanted to have around, who i disliked—they are all parts of me, and i hold them to my heart dearly (most of them, at least). most of the traits i have are real-life human traits found in people around me, so i won't be surprised if you find them realistic and in-depth!

tenderness is a theme prevalent in my work, i believe? maybe i tend to overload them in hyunjin's, though (˚ᗜ˚*) and i also think the tenderness is different depending on who i am writing for. it can be soft and hearty for one person, but playful and nostalgic for another. they range differently depending on how i feel in real life about the idol, i suppose? (this is the part where i craft a character based on the idol, instead of the other way around, which is 98% of the case haha)

but yeah. i think... i think tenderness is very important. i think being able to be gentle with faulty people is very important, even though they hurt you. there is greatness in standing up to people immediately, of course, but sometimes when you see past the surface of the fault and recognize the guilt in it, i find it even greater to have heart. i value it because i, personally, need it; i don't have it a lot as my personality issues clashes with tenderness. i talk about this before as well—the importance of having people who are willing to allow kindness despite evil.

i just love loving, that is all. i love the tenderness of having dinner with someone, i love the softness in sharing a bed with someone, i love the gentleness in being taught something by my mother who told me the knowledge is taught to her by my father when they were young (i might... write something for this... maybe...). i say the same thing over and over again, but consider me head over heels and someone who is unable to let go.

[btssavedmylifeblr]

hi bae. this might be a depressing thing to answer so feel free to ignore. (1/2) ive been into kpop for years now. i comforted myself with idols and their songs. sometimes, because of the overwhelming loneliness in my life, i had dreamed about them. I know I'm just a fan and I'm fine with that. but just to comfort myself, I thought them as my friends and sometimes people I flirt with... but the more I rely on them the more I realized how pathetic I am.

(2/2) irl nobody would love me. I'm ugly, fat, good for nothing ; a loser. I don't even deserve to enjoy their music yet alone being friends with them - even if it's imaginary - I hate myself. "why im like this" this question hunts me everyday. I was seeing a therapist and it was helping but I guess since I spend more time in my head these thoughts came back. I feel so worthless. I wish someone would love me. But why would they? im no special,im nothing. im sorry if i made you uncomfortable.

——-

Apologies for being slow to respond! I’m not uncomfortable, just was in the middle of an upload when this came in.

So I’ve struggled with mild depression on/off most of my adult life. I’ve never been suicidal and I’ve never been medicated but there is a sea of sadness and self-loathing beneath me that is always ready to drag me down when I am at my weakest. So I recognize what I call “depression brain” in this ask.

I’m not a therapist, but for me, depression brain is a toxic combination of telling myself there is something wrong with me, then trying to use my sad depression brain to figure out what is wrong with me, failing to figure to out what is wrong and blaming myself again and the cycle repeats. Depression brain wants to think its way out of depression, but it cant, because depression is not logical, it’s physical.

Here are things that have helped me climb my way back out: therapy, exercise, sunshine, journaling, creative writing, making art, music, talking with friends about stuff I love, healthy food, hydration, sex/masturbation, massage, leaving the house, having a regular sleep schedule, helping other people

Things that make me feel worse: social media, television, junk food, staying inside all day, waiting to feel better, waiting for motivation, waiting for someone else to save me/love me/fix me, not sleeping enough / sleeping at weird times, trying to think through my problems without talking to someone else, telling myself that I am unique in my suffering and no one else has ever felt this way

Notice how all of things that make me feel better are things that make me physically feel better? None of them are magic thoughts that I can think and feel better. But all of the negative things are mental traps that the depression brain lays for me.

How does kpop fit into this for me? My blog is titled BTS saved my life because four years ago I hit a bad stretch of depression and BTS helped me in wide variety of ways. Their music made me happy and kept me company on walks, while exercising, and while doing other productive things that I didn’t feel like doing, like cleaning. Fangirling over them reconnected me with old friends and helped me make new friends with a shared interest, something I had been unable to do as an adult up until then. Writing about them gave me a creative outlet that was both fun and productive and helped me feel like I was bringing joy to other people. Seeing their struggles with a lot of the same issues I was going through and how they expressed those struggles in their music helped me feel like I wasn’t walking this path alone.

But kpop can just as easily be path into the sea of depression. If you are constantly comparing yourself to idols and finding yourself lacking. Or if you get tied up in angry fanwars / drama that make us all feel ineffectual. Or if you try to get the internet to validate you / give you attention because it will never be enough. Or if you’re spending all your time sitting still in front of a screen to absorb their content. So you need to have a critical eye on the ways you use kpop in your life and prioritize those ways that make you feel better and ditch the ways that make you feel worse, even if they seem enjoyable in the moment.

One last note:

People will love you. I’m sure people already do love you and your depression brain is preventing you from seeing it. I have many wonderful people who love me very much in my life, but when I am underwater with my depression, I tell myself that they dont care about me or that I am bothering them and I can’t see how much they love me. Having people who love you is not enough though, you have to love and take care of yourself.

PS. This video on Youtube is one of the best explanations of depression that I have ever found (its only six minutes, go watch it). Also provides a good explanation for why quarantine is making everyone depressed.

Now listen to some BTS and go for a walk. It won’t fix everything. But it may help a little.

[call-it-living]

/tw /cw spiral, some negative thoughts

I have such a hard time taking care of myself. For years I've been going to doctors to find out what is wrong with me and I always lose hope and motivation when it turns out my blood work is "normal."

Normal...

Does that word have any weight? How could that be a reading of my health when I say otherwise? When my life shows otherwise?

I was once an overachiever. I even looked back at my high school transcript recently and was shocked to see how smart I was (im now a college dropout). I never saw it back then. Even when I was at my most sick, my grades were still good. Not A+, but still above "average". And yet I beat myself up relentlessly for being "lazy". The reality is that I'm sick! I've been sick for years. I am grieving for the years I've lost to not feeling well. I hope that I'm not chronically ill, I hope there is hope for me after all. But that will cause me a lot of grief. What if I could've stayed in college? What if I hadn't gotten super depressed? What if...?

I know it isn't healthy to think this way. And yet...

My parents neglected me and my health. They tried the best they could to help me and it wasn't enough. I'm now an adult and I have no idea how to help myself. I'm trying, but I had no good example. I feel incapable of caring for myself.

Let me list a few things: I've been wearing glasses too blurry for 6 months after getting a new prescription. I've been going to different doctors for my stomach issues for 5 years now, have had 2 gastros and 4 or 5 pcps. My chronic fatigue has never been properly addressed. Neither has my dizziness. My trouble breathing. None of my problems are life threatening, they haven't disrupted my life in a jarring way, so they haven't been taken seriously. Yet, look at me? So stagnant in life, unable to get a job, a college dropout, no hobbies, no sense of self? How is that not jarring? How will I fix myself? How...

I'm not sure if I should even post this. It is a spiral, it is unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. I wanted to make this blog to help people but I only come on here when I need to vent, let my anxiety spiral. I just want to feel better. I want my life back. I want a life, any life, that isn't me rotting away to nothingness. Yet I have no energy to achieve it. Why?

All this was triggered by my first chiropractor appointment. She didn't understand why I let myself suffer so long. She had to tell me that I could and will feel better. That i don't have to suffer when there is help available. I had never been told that before. These were all good things to hear but, do I believe them? And if she's right, that means I have suffered for 5 years for no good reason.

I know there were many reasons. I couldn't advocate for myself, i wasn't believed, I had shitty doctors from shitty u.s. insurance, I had burnout, fatigue, depression. They all caused each other, they all worsened each other. Ugh.

I wanna get better.

[libra-araelty]

Hello!

My name is Neo. I am a neurodivergent young adult from the United States.

Neurodivergent, you say?

Yes! Neurodivergent means my brain does not function the same way that a typical human does. However that does not stop me from living a normal, everyday life just like everyone else!

I have Asperger’s Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MaDD), and Dyscalculia, all diagnosed. It is also highly suspected that i have Bipolar Disorder and Trichotillomania (TTM), suggested to me by people who have either condition.

Being subject to these conditions, I have quite a few struggles in my daily life. I have sensory issues, so things like uncomfortable clothes and strong scents can make it so I’m unable to function at full capacity. If these sensory issues are pushed further and further, I am at risk of going into a sensory overload or a meltdown. That only happens very rarely for me, though.

My attention span is very flaky, and I have a difficult time staying on one topic for long periods of time. I need constant changing stimuli for me to not burn out while on a task. This ironically contributes to hyperfixation, an intense focus on one particular thing for a period of time. I know, that seems like the opposite of what I said before, but they are linked. See, hyperfixation isn’t exactly something that can be forced. When hyperfocusing, I may not be able to take myself out of that particular focus, and it consumes all my thoughts for however long my brain decides to hyperfixate on it. This contributes to my flaky attention span because instead of being able to force myself to focus on something im supposed to be doing, instead the brain goes “no, you’re going to think about this one thing and we’re going to make it very hard for you to focus on anything BUT this one thing. Special Interests (SI’s) follow a similar, yet more intense pattern. SI’s last much longer, if not lifelong for me. Theyre more prominent and effective on my life than my hyperfixations.

This is where MaDD comes into play. MaDD is a condition that can be adopted and unlearned. The DSM doesn’t recognize it as an official disorder, but it is a condition that exists in many people, especially people with attention or anxiety related contitions. MaDD shares a lot of traits with cases of addiction too, however this one is much easier to take control of and is not exactly harmful. The first word, maladaptive, can be broken in half: Mal and Adaptive. Mal means bad or poor, and adaptive means the ability to adapt. Maladaptive Daydreaming basically means daydreaming that causes poor adaptation skills. MaDDers are typically those who have conditions like Autism, AD(H)D, OCD, General Anxiety, and Dyslexia. Most people adopt the technique of Maladaptive Daydreaming in their childhood or early teens and if not caught early on, can last their entire lives. However, MaDD isn’t essentially a harmful thing. Like I said, it’s easily controlled. You may be asking, “what exactly is it about MaDD that causes poor adaptation? its just daydreaming.” MaDDers daydream at an average of 6 hours minimum a day. These daydreams are intense and easily triggered by everyday things like music, art, friends, even normal emotional events. MaDDers tend to use these dreams as an escape from reality but also a reality of their own, like a lucid dream but for your waking self. The daydreams tend to have intricately woven worlds, stories, chracters, and plots, all feeling just as real to the dreamer as the rest of life itself. MaDDers tend to daydream to escape real situations they may not want to be a part of and sometimes even cancel plans just to continue to daydream.

Why are you telling me all of this? This all seems so personal and insignificant to me.

This is FAR from insignificant to anyone. You may not be Autistic or a MaDDer or even neurodivergent, but I know that as a human being you still have lots of struggles, just like me. Ive told you all about my struggles and you’re probably thinking “wow how pathetic, they cant control their own brain.” Yeah actually, I can. Even if you weren’t thinking that, (which I actually highly doubt anyone was thinking that I just wanted to put an example of worst case scenario) what if I told you that no matter what, no matter who you were or what you were going through, you can still grab hold of yourself and make your life yours? You better believe it, because despite all the conditions I just told you I have, I have taught myself to make my own path in life and not let my struggles decide what my fate is. I believe anything is possible with a little patience and elbow grease, so thats why I have made this blog. It is sorta a combination of a journal, an advice blog, and an inspirational quote blog. I want to be able to share my knowledge of my identity and experiences in order to hopefully inspire someone to get up out of the hole theyre stuck in and make their life their own again! I love the conditions I have, and I use their benefits as my superpowers and dont let the negative aspects of them hold me back. They are a part of me and who I am and I will treat them with just as much love and care as I should treat myself, and hopefully you can treat yourself with the same amount of love too <3

With love,

Neo

P.S.

Heres a couple more fun facts about me!

My biggest special interests are Homestuck, Dragons, and literally just identity in general and have been special to me for almost 5 years now

I love music and my favorite artists are Imagine Dragons, Fall Out Boy, OneRepublic, Vance Joy, hi i’m Case, Of Monsters and Men, and Watsky!

I love to draw and play D&D! I love the character creation and I’m currently working on my own campaign

My personality labels are Sun Libra, Moon Sagittarius, Rising Taurus, INTP-T, 5w4, 541, Ravenclaw, Thunderbird, Seer of Heart, Dersian, True Neutral, Blue-Green Paladin, Firebender, and Skywing Elf

If I were a D&D character I’d be a true neutral forest gnome sorcerer sage who wields a katana and raises dragons

My favorite movies are How To Train Your Dragon (1&2), It, Star Wars, and Pete’s Dragon (2016). My favorite shows are The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, The Dragon Prince, Camp Camp, Gravity Falls, Twelve Forever and The Mandalorian

I love making aesthetics and stimboards, my favorite colors are blue violet, cornflower, sapphire, teal, spring green, and bubblegum pink. I love pastel kawaii fashion because of these colors

I either want to become a cartoonist or a counselor as a career, or both and be able to use one to help the other

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[credulouscanidae]

i feel so endlessly frustrated at myself because i can see the patterns of my thoughts, know the logical and practical steps i need to take in order to fix them, and i just...cant do it. i acknowledge that these feelings cycle; im a sucker for nostalgia. i look at all of these things ive shared with my friends, all these memories and selfies and fun times, and i know i can have that again. and i know that i just look at these things and think that “things were better then”, because its so easy to trick yourself into thinking that when all youre seeing is a condensed collection of happy times. i think 2016. that was easily one of the worst years of my life, or at least the ones with the most changes. it was the 180 flip from child to adult, the year i lost so much of my identity, and gained a new one. i was mentally and physically a completely different person by the end of that year. and yet, i look through these photos tonight and see just how many jokes and fond memories i shared with my friends. maybe because i was 19/20, i still had that immaturity about me so i was able to let loose. maybe being isolated inside for 2+ months has made these selfies sting more. maybe i miss when we were all in school and not at work, when we could all plan get-togethers a little easier. idk.

but this wasnt meant to be a nostalgia rant, but its definitely triggered those thoughts.

because in all these group selfies i saw tonight i saw how insanely different i looked within a year. it was when i developed my starving-orientated disordered eating, it was when i came out as trans and so changed my hair and wardrobe. 2016 was fucking wild. and i saw glimpses of how i used to be, and how despite being in so much pain, that was the year i took a leap and finally did something for myself that would set me up for success, rather than failure. and i dont do that for myself often. and im prouod of younger me for doing that.

because it shows that, no matter how much pain i have continuously been in for almost my entire llife, that i can take steps to improving my life. even though coming out as trans is not the same as confronting trauma, i think living as a truer reflection of who i am has definitely helped me feel more comfortable and confident.

and i want to lose weight again, because the confidence i radiated at my peak ED/lowest weight was unmatched to antyhing ive ever felt before. Ive gained a bit of the weight back (which funny enough since being on hrt i still look different/different weight distribution), but i want to lose it again in a healthy way. and i know i have to get out of my feedback loops and actualy work for it, as hard as fuck as it may be.

i dunno man. im nearly 24. i know thats still 6 years left of my 20s, but if ive learned anything from the past few years, its that they go by fast and i will be pushing 30 before i know it. and i dont want to be fucking 30 years old and still not have worked myself out. i mean, its ok if me or others havent, but i just. i dont know. i dont want to turn 30 and say “aha cool thats 20 years i have been extremely suicidal and self harming and full of trauma and brain rot”

which is why, as hard as it is, im really trrying to get the ball rolling on geting diagnosed with whatever-the-fuck-i-have. getting the ball rolling for me has taken ...well...ive received it, convinced myself its not worth it, and stop it. i cant keep running away from help. its discouraging when your professional is a bit shit so. idk. i know ya gotta keep trying. 

i need to start an exercise routine, just doing my daily walks again would help so much, because my body is in so much pain from a sedentary lifestyle. 

the most ive done is actually start drawing daily, which was previously really hard for me to do. im proud of myself for that. i want to release my webcomic, i want to consistently do commissions, and i cant do any of my artistic goals with my previous workflow i only have just managed to improve on.

and thats the hardest thing about being mentally ill. you have to put more effort in to survive, the odds are stacked against you, and you have to set up and stick to methods that’ll help, even though that means fighting against symptoms that discourage and impact u so severely. and it also means some days you cant fight it, and you have to give up. relapse happens. im just tired OF it happening.

though, i thankfully feel different. as a teen, i felt there was no way out besides suicide, as a fresh adult i realized there is hope, and i have ambitions and something to give to this world, but i was still very suicidal, and still lived wallowing and unable to get out. but as a young adult, i know i have to set up my life now to pave the path for the future. ive always been screaming for a release,and that release used to be suicide. now? my release is mental wellness. and fuck, its the much harder path to take. bpd, cptsd, whatever, it rots my brain and drags me down and makes me act on bad habits and behaviours, but dammit. one day im going to get that release.

maybe not all of it, maybe not till im 40.

but one day.

im going to look back and see how i am now as how i used to be, not what i still am.

maybe one day i’ll experience that release..

[cryptidnearby]

Having ptsd is really something else.

I can't say for sure when I inherited it, I dont know of any one thing that confirmed "This gave me ptsd" and for most of my life I didnt know. Someone else had to tell me.

Which ive realized applies to a lot of things about me. Not only with mental things like ptsd, type two bipolar disorder and autism.

The thing is, i don't remember believing anything was ever wrong with me. Someone else told me I was fat, told me I was ugly, told me I was strange, told me I was queer.

But I was always just being me, and based on that reality, I was normal.

As an adult I had to come to terms with the fact that im not experiencing the same reality as everyone else, and throughout my toxic phases, realized that I was capable of being so much more than what other people said I was.

I could be more than my "normal" and their "weird".

And I think thats part of the human condition. Everybody is weird to somebody. Everybody has their quirks and passions, their own self esteem, their own pain.

How they decide to embrace that is entirely their own business. I find myself looking through a small window into people's lives, witnessing only what they choose to show me, what they feel comfortable showing me, regardless of what that looks like.

I can only see a glimpse into their reality.

Theres something really beautiful about that I think.

We are gods in our own ways, creating each moment. No one else is in control of that. And moment to moment, you have the opportunity to decide who you're going to be in that moment.

Thats a shared experience amongst us gods i guess. Granted there are a lot of things we don't get to choose, the conditions of our minds, how other people see us, disease, pain, suffering, joy, the way we laugh or what we laugh at.

We're made from millions of years of stardust.

Yet here i am, laying in my bed, my roommate to my right who is sick and feverish. I have some youtube video of music from Mozart playing to my left. I hear the snoring of our two dogs at my feet.

The roommate is wrestling with a blanket, unable to decide if they're hot or cold, unable to get comfortable.

None of these things I have control over, but they're here in this moment. All playing in this grand orchestra of my reality. Theres a streetlight blinking in my back yard.

Its all so oddly specific, yet I tell myself this is normal. That others out there in the vastness of space and time, have experienced this very reality at some point, they could be experiencing it right now.

I felt the need to document this moment, to preserve it, just for a time. Because I have ptsd, I know there will be a day when this moment is lost. This unnamed feeling. Not quite peace, never quiet, just thought as it passes through me and gone just as fast.

I hope I can paint a picture for the world to see what I see. I hope when you read this, you have your own image.

Tell me, what color do you think my walls are in my room?

What does my roommate look like in your mind?

Are they pale and thin with dark hair?

Or something else entirely?

Could they be an elf? Who knows.

Just in this moment, im here, laying on a pile of pillows (what do they look like to you?), experiencing my own presence in this reality.

Knowing that no matter how detailed I can describe this reality, you will visualize something completely different. Ultimately it doesnt matter though does it? Your reality is just as valid as my own, regardless of what you see.

During my time writing this my roommate has finally fallen asleep. They found their comfortable spot, the blanket only covering half of their body.

What kind of dogs are sleeping at my feet?

Theres two of them, cuddled together, loving each other unconditionally. The only way either of them know how to love.

Maybe that's the feeling im experiencing, presence.

For what its worth, I hope you've enjoyed this window into my world. Even if you only read it and had nothing to say, no way to respond. I hope you find a happy moment, or at the very least, a moment to feel yourself present. I hope you feel real, because you are.

Tonight I feel very real. I feel like a god. Its just not how I imagined a god would feel.

Goodnight. ❤

[talknerdytome67-blog]

Loss

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss but losing a twin is like losing half of yourself.

When I was 22, my twin brother, who was my only sibling, died. He had huffed duster while driving resulting in immediate brain death causing him to hit a tree at over 90mph. That day wasnt like any other day because a few months earlier I woke up and knew he was going to die. Just not how or when. The day the phone rang and I heard my mom say dark, foreign words like car accident, unresponsive, drugs, life support was the most impactful day of my life. In the thickness of shock, I didn't realize that the rest of my life would be measured in before and after. Before, when my family was intact. After, when I would somehow be forced to learn to live without the person I was supposed to get a lifetime with.

"Be strong for your parents," said blurs of people at Trevor's memorial service. I nodded, but inside me, something twisted. I stood in a daze as people streamed by, offering their awkward words and hugs. Be strong for your parents? I thought. How can I be strong for them when half my soul just died and I dont even know how to be strong for myself.

After

I was barely breathing. I was barely standing there. I was numb and strong was the last thing I felt. One thing is for sure I felt angry at my brother for leaving me here. For abandoning me. It's funny how I found myself consoling complete strangers over the death of my brother and yet these very people werent there for him when he was alive and struggling w addiction. Why is it that no one seems to truly care about you until tragedy strikes and then suddenly your life meant so much to them. They say things like "I didn't see this coming" "Why didn't they reach out"

In the early months after Trevors death at 22, I existed in a heavy fog. Nothing was as I knew it. I'd been forced to abandon the little life I'd once known. My friends were living their lives -- going to college, working, falling in and out of love and lust. Meanwhile, my life had stopped and I no longer recognized the world around me.

My home was filled with the cloying scent of flowers just starting to die. It struck me just then how terrible it was that we send flowers to the grieving -- here you go, another reminder that nothing is permanent, that everything lovely will be lost.

My brother's absence was heavy in the house. Though he had died in Peoria, his room was still scattered with relics: the bed he had slept in for so many years, his skateboarding hoodies hanging like shadows in the closets, a handful of videos and books. Memories pinned to each corner. His beloved Ferret Ember waiting for her best friend who was never coming home.

Having always taken comfort in words, I scoured the internet for a book for someone like me -- a barely adult whose (barely) adult twin brother had died. What I found was unimpressive: There were more books on losing a pet than losing a brother or sister, especially a twin. A few books existed for surviving children after a death in the family, but they were for small children. One memoir documented a sister's grief following her brother's death, but it was out of print.

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss. I felt guilty for missing him.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my world took another 360* hit. I decided I needed to join a support group so I sat in a circle with a few widows and widowers, a woman whose daughter had died, and a woman whose mother had died. I was younger than any of them by at least 30 years, but I could relate to their shares: "I feel like I'm going crazy." "I'm so damned angry right now." "I can't sleep at night." "My anxiety is at an all time high"

Though the losses were different, the feelings were the same and we were all barely coping.

My parents, who adopted us at 2 would never be the same. Their pain was almost visible, as if a piece of their bodies had been cut out. I had lost myself, too, or at least the version of me that was unscathed by tragedy: an innocent version, who walked around in some parallel universe where her brother was still alive, ignorant to the incredible fortune of an entirely alive family.

My brother, my twin, my built in best friend. I miss Trevors big brown eyes. His loud laugh. He was the co-keeper of my childhood and my secret's. The person who was supposed to walk with me longer than anyone else in this life. The only other person who knew what it was like to grow up with our particular parents, in our particular home and our particular situation being adopted.

The future.

I cried for the nephews and nieces I would never have. I cried for my own daughter who would never know my brother, her uncle. How would I explain him? How would I ensure that his essence wasn't lost, that he wasn't just a figure in old photographs, a handful of stories? Suddenly i was the only person who could make my parents the grandparents they were soon to be.

I constantly grieve for all the hard times ahead when my brother wouldn't be by my side. When my parents begin to age. When my grandparents die. There would be no one to share these dark milestones with and no one to comfort me in the way he did with just his presence.

And so 3 weeks after his death Im now pregnant and despite feeling like I wanted to die from the pain and loneliness i had to stay alive. I suddenly was needing to stay healthy, to stay safe, to stay positive because I was bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world and theres no time to fall apart.

So I placed my grief on hold.

I felt like our family had been a four-legged table, and one leg had suddenly been torn off. The remaining three of us wobbled and teetered. We felt the missing leg like an amputee, each morning waking to the horrible fact that Trevor was gone and unable to stop the pain.

I wrote letters to my brother in those early months and years. At first, memories blazed through my head and I used the letters to capture them before they flitted away, gone forever: my brother walking towards me when he knew my heart had been broken and embracing me in a giant hug. The time I taught him to make snow angels in the front yard of our home, our bulkily clad limbs sliding in synchronicity under the cold afternoon sun.

Later, I wrote the letters when I needed to cry -- when the grief sat coiled and waiting in my chest, needing to be let out, released. I couldn't find the words of other bereaved twin sisters or brothers to bring me comfort, so I created my own.

One day, when I was lost in my sadness, my mom said, "You won't always feel like this. You'll have a family of your own. You'll move on." This seemed impossible in my 23 year-old new mom skin. I couldn't imagine this potential future where I lived a life my brother was no longer apart of.

But very, very slowly, I began putting my life back together. I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and I made the difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship and return home again. As time has gone on I notice my daughter has his love of music and animals and possesses the lighthearted spirit my brother had at the same age and I cant help but smile and think a part of him is in her.

Sometimes adult siblings aren't able to close the distance between them, all those shared experiences and time and space and relationships matter. They tether us, they twine our stories together. I pray that my children will one day remain close as they grow, and that they enjoy a long lifetime together and never take eachother for granted.

After nearly 9 years, the sharp shock and grief I felt in those early months and years are no longer constant but only come back in waves, especially around his angelversary or our birthday. It's hard to explain to people the survivors guilt I feel and the PTSD I acquired from watching him struggle to pass away after being taken off life support. It's hard to explain to people that the week of his death never gets easier to face and I tend to shut down and shut people out because I dont want to be a burden. I distance myself so my sadness doesnt spill into their lives.

Its taken 9 years for the pain to dull and for the words "your brother is dead" to stop pounding in my head -- but they did. Trevors absence is mostly a dull hurt, the ghost of an old broken bone that aches when it rains. I feel it more on holidays and anniversaries, when someone else close to me dies. Or when something funny happens and I go to text him and realize I cant. Because Hes gone.

I'll always wish he was still here. I'll always wonder what he would look like and what he'd be doing if he was still alive -- at almost 32, At 50. At 75. Who would he be today? Would he have gotten sober and started a family? Would his music career had taken off?

So with no other choice I continue on. Perhaps I am even strong, like those well-meaning mourners at my brother's memorial asked me to be. But my brother's loss will remain with me for my whole life -- just like he was supposed to.

I wish I knew how to explain to the people I love that the distance I create during anniversaries is done so they are not effected by my overwhelming sadness. I create distance because even after 9 years I am still learning how to cope and handle my grief and sometimes its easier to do alone so that theres no pressure to feel like you have to be happy and in a way continue healing.

I'm incredibly blessed with an amazing boyfriend who is patient and kind and incredibly handsome and perfect in every way. He has been incredibly understanding and supportive despite the distance I have placed between us lately and that's how I know hes who I am going to spend the rest of my life with if he'll let me.

I will forever be thankful for the time I had with my brother and the lessons he taught me but time doesn't heal all wounds and I am just finding ways to get by.

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[zouchu]

92 Truths Tag

RULES: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged..

I’ve been tagged by @bangtan-chats-and-memes​ (thank you so much !!)

LAST:

Drink: why, only the most exciting exotic unique rare drink ever    ... water

Phone call: initiated by me: my dad for permission to go to the mall / not initiated by me: my parents to check up on my sisters and i at home

Text message: i sent a screenshot of “jelly garden“ (candy crush rip-off) to my group chat with the caption “totally original / definitely not some chinese rip-off“

Song you listened to:   l o v e   s c e n a r i o   by ikon. i was obsessed with momoland’s “bboom bboom” for a while too                           Time you cried: ive teared up (because my eyes burn looking at things randomly), but the last time i let the tears fall was probably for/about Jonghyun.

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: no remotely romantic relationships here

Been cheated on: see above

Kissed someone and regretted it: you’d need to have kissed to regret kissing (no)

Lost someone special: it’s circumstantial

Been depressed: the most ive felt was extreme stress, and thats not anywhere  close to depression, so nope

Been drunk and thrown up: i can’t not according to the Law, i am an obeyer (?) of the law sometimes probably

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: ive gotten more comfortable with my friends’ friends this year, and began speaking to @allthingstaekook​ and @garekinanase97​ a lot more !!

Fallen out of love: you need to have been in it to fall out of it, haha!

Laughed until you cried: oh definitely

Met someone who changed you: friends/family  changed me while i was being made... does that make sense? they molded me more than changed me

Found out who your true friends are: for sure, hopefully (for sure)

Found out someone was talking about you: my second eldest sister probably, who tells her friends about me? for some reason? bc that makes sense to her?? somehow ????

GENERAL

How many people in Tumblr do you know in real life?: no one and i don’t mind lol (i suck at social interaction)

Do you have any pets?: nope, bc its too much of a responsibility (my parents words, paraphrased, not mine)

Do you want to change your name?: not really... never thought about it, but i don’t mind changing or not changing it

What time did you wake up this morning?: 7:28 am

What were you doing last night?: procrastinating the fUCk out of my english rant thats due on fRIdAy and im probably gonna restart aGAIn

Name something you cannot wait for: summer vacation probably

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: there was a kid named Thomas at my elementary school who did weather reports for probably 5+ years

What’s getting on your nerves right now?: MY UNABLITY TO DO WORK AND FINISH A SIMPLE ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT LIKE WHATS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT IT XIAO HOW HARD CAN IT BE (REALLY FCUKING HARD APPARENTLY)

Blood type: ive got... no idea

Nickname: i use my chinese name “xiao” here (even though no one seems to use it) bc i dont trust the internet very much yet.

Relationship status: tis i, a lonely single bean

Zodiac sign: gemini! ive never went out of my way to look at it, but when i do, i dont relate very much 

Pronouns: she/her

Favourite show: uhhhh i dont watch... shows? cartoons, maybe (phineas and ferb, spongebob, fairly odd parents). the only kdrama ive finished was the guardians, and it was pretty good.

College: nope, im practically a baby still

Hair colour: was black and always has been

Do you have a crush on someone?: ive had a crush before. rn... i not sure what i feel 

What do you like about yourself?: im pretty happy with how i turned out. i’ve only been unhappy about minor physical things. id definitely upgrade my productivity if i were to change anything.

FIRSTS

First surgery: none i can remember

First piercing: my ears when i was 3: begged my aunt to get them pierced. after one ear, i didnt want to anymore, and she ended up bribing me to get it pierced

First sport you joined: swimming? badminton? not too sure

First vacation: to china, but idk if that counts as a vacation since i stayed there for 4-5 years so

First pair of sneakers: hey, kudos to you if you can remember that, bc i cant

RIGHT NOW

Eating: just ate a snickers

Drinking: why, only the most exciting exotic unique rare drink ever    ... water

I’m about to: TRY to work on english

Listening to: my playlist shuffled to Married to the Music by SHINee -- so underrated gOD

Want kids: i wanna adopt, so when the kids have more common sense and know when to stop crying and disobeying at random times

Get married: doesnt sound too bad. i picture myself living a pretty basic life, so marriage is probably in the picture somewhere

Career: anytime an adult asks me this question to try to start a conversation... hooo boy, did you make it difficult bc i have no idea. business maybe, editor maybe... idk

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: never really thought about this... eyes?

Hugs or kisses: idk what kisses are like, and i seem to try to avoid hugs when offered soooooo ill go for the unknown: kisses

Shorter or taller: o shit ive never thought about this before. i’d like to be taller, or same height, give or take 5 cm

Older or younger: age doesnt equate their behavior. if we’re solely looking at age, give or take 2 years maybe?

Romantic or spontaneous: ooh both

Sensitive or loud: i get loud when im comfortable and passionate, so itd be nice to have a balance, and a counterpart, so.. both

Hookup or relationship: relationship. hookups would not be for me (i think waaay too much into everything)

Troublemaker or hesitant: im pretty indecisive and hesitant, so a counterpart here to urge me to be more ~adventurous~  would be nice

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: nope

Drank hard liquor: nope

Lost contacts/glasses: i dont wear either so

Sex on first date: nope

Broken someone’s heart: not to that extent, but “rejected” (ran away)

Been arrested: nope and hopefully never

Turned someone down: in 6th grade, i ran away from/pointedly ignored 2 confessions and i feel terrible, thinking back. they were good friends, for sure, but i was am emotionally constipated and lack emotional and social intelligence

Fallen for a friend: no... maybe? fallen =/= crushed. crushed, yes

DO YOU BELIEVE

In yourself: most times

Miracles: i believe in chance and possibilities, so you could say i believe in miracles

Love at first sight: attraction yea, but love? of course not

 -- la fin --

i tag uh,, @allthingstaekook @4-rmv @gudetaeyeon @fightme-jungkook @yoonjih no pressure though !!