#andreil stayed together and they were happy but they never forgot about him

[dayurno]

"Exes Kandriel edition" im so curious as to what you mean by that bc I have seen all kinds of variations of "past relationship one ship new relationship another ship" like past andriel now kevineil or whatever but I don't think I've see a single fic where all 3 of them were together and then broke up??? I want to know what your brain is thinking pls share

HEHE WELL honestly the way i thought of it was kind of just kandreil being a thing throughout college/kevins last year but after his graduation he kind of goes m.i.a, in my heart i think about kevin moving out of the states to play exy a lot and i think itd actually be relevant and even important to him to be able to see the world beyond the nest......... but it also means things like different timezones, new people and new languages, an entire new life really that andreil of course do not agree with... i dont think they necessarily part on bad terms but andrew and neil very much dont want him to move away. in the end kevin (midnight rain plays softly in the background) wants the world in more ways than just a small apartment somewhere in denver and two cats you know....

so the fic would be really kevins return to the us a decade later, having broken off things with andreil but still loving them dearly....... right person wrong time kind of thing really.... and then theres andreil who never really stopped waiting for kevin, never stopped thinking about him, but accepted (after a lot of therapy mind you) that theres nothing you can Do when someone wants to/has to leave. i dont think thered even be a need to Rebuild their relationship per se because its always been there!!! andreil still have his stupid books in their apartment and kevins old jackets in their closet... i think theyd even come to pick him up at the airport totally uninvited too... BASICALLY JUST. ahhh you know... getting older and different but still yourself, being waited for when you thought your absence meant nothing, that kind of thing.... would kevin have stayed if he knew how much his absence would hurt them? would they have been as adamant about him staying if they had the insight of older men who know kevins ambitions are just as important as their own?

SO... old men yaoi........ i actually have a lot of thoughts about this you can guess by the long long answer haha i really want to write this (< going insane).... theyve loved him for almost ten years, what is one more? THAT KIND OF THING........ gah getting emotional just thinking about it.... kevin dayyyy!!! its you. its always been you

[senstia]

Mistakes and Promises

Andrew hated that he was the reason Neil had run. All he could do now was try to put the broken pieces back together and hope Neil would forgive him.

*Andrew Minyard/Neil Josten, Andreil

*Angst with a happy ending, fluff, kisses

*set after the events of The King’s Men

*brief mentions of self harm

*pls excuse any incorrect grammar, punctuation, writing mistakes ect.

He knew no one else saw what he saw. No one else saw Andrew touch that stranger with his hands. No one else saw Andrew drag him into a back room at Eden’s twilight. No one else heard the grunts and shuddered breaths through the closed door. No one else saw Andrew’s lips red and swollen from that stranger’s lips as he left that back room. But Neil did. Neil did.

Neil wasn’t supposed to be there. He had been injured badly during last week’s game and the foxes had forced him to stay at the dorm ever since. Andrew had been distant since that injury, hadn’t touched him, hadn’t kissed him. Neil had ached for Andrew, missed him more than he ever thought possible. So he went to Eden’s. He figured he’d surprise Andrew. That maybe they’d go back to Columbia and trade kisses in the dark. He never thought this is what he’d find. He never thought it would effect him the way it did. Because seeing Andrew across the darkened club felt like a thousand knives in his heart. It felt like he was drowning in ice cold water and couldn’t come up to breathe. He knew no one saw him. He also knew in that moment that no one he knew would ever see him again. Maybe it made him a coward and maybe it proved everyone right about what they’d said about him. But there was nothing left. Not without Andrew. Neil couldn’t stay. Couldn’t pretend to be okay. All he wanted to do was run until there was nothing left of Neil Josten. Until he forgot who Andrew Minyard was. So he did.

He went to the dorm first. He shattered his cell phone on the ground and left it there. He gathered everything he needed in his old duffel bag. He went to the roof one last time. He could barely breathe as he set the set of keys Andrew had given him on the rooftop ledge. Neil took a deep breath and tried to ignore the way it felt like his heart was being ripped to shreds. And then he ran. Down the stairwell, out of the dorm and into the street. He only ever stopped when he realized he needed water or a bathroom. He watched the sun rise, then set, then rise, then set, as he ran.

~

The foxes got back to fox tower around noon the next day. All of the foxes made their way to Neil’s dorm to check on him and have a group lunch with him. Matt entered first. He froze as he did. He saw the empty bed, the shattered cell phone, all of Neil’s belongings gone.

“He’s gone,” Matt whispered.

Andrew barged past Matt to look into the room. He stormed inside and rummaged through everything. There wasn’t a trace of Neil left. The bed was cold. All that was left was Neil’s faint scent on the blankets. A scent Andrew had grown addicted to. He picked up the shattered phone. From the way it was broken it looked as if someone had stomped on it. Neil hadn’t been taken. He had left of his own free will. Andrew’s heart dropped to his stomach. Nausea and guilt swept through him like wildfire. His fault. His fault. His fault.

Andrew stormed out of the dorm, took the stairs to the roof two steps at a time. The rooftop was empty. Neil was gone. Neil was gone. Neil was gone. Something shiny on the edge of the roof caught Andrew’s eye. He went over and saw those keys. And in that moment Andrew felt pain and regret so profoundly that he crumpled to his knees. He clutched the keys in his hands like they were his only tether to this world. Neil. Neil. Neil. Andrew felt tears streaming down his face and he couldn’t bring himself to care. Couldn’t bring himself to think about the fact that he couldn’t remember the last time he had cried. Sobs racked his body as he sat on the ground. His whole body was shaking with the force of his pain.

Neil must have seen him. Neil must have come to Eden’s. He couldn’t think of another reason Neil would leave like this. Andrew thought and thought and thought as he cried but it was the only explanation. Andrew was drowning in his regret. It made him sick. He was disgusted with himself, could barely stand to be in his own skin. He wanted to smoke, he wanted to bring a razor to his skin, but he knew he didn’t deserve the relief that would give him. He deserved this excruciating pain.

When Neil had gotten injured and Andrew saw the light leave his eyes as he lost consciousness, Andrew felt like the world was falling from under his feet. The intensity of his feelings for Neil terrified him. He hated them. But never more than in that moment. Because Andrew knew in that moment that he wanted to be with Neil for the rest of his life. And Andrew just couldn’t handle it. He knew he should talk to Bee, knew he was being irrational. But all he wanted was for Neil to be gone. He wished Neil would run. He wished he had never met him. Because how dare Neil make him feel like this? Andrew felt too much, too much every second of every day and it was all Neil’s fault. He wanted it to stop. Because he loved him. How could he make it stop? So he stayed away. He couldn’t look Neil in the eye. Because if he did he’d tell him the truth. Tell him that he wanted to be with Neil for the rest of his life, that Neil was never nothing and that he is and has always been, everything. And that there is a “this” and he wanted it with Neil and only Neil forever, if Neil did too. So he avoided. Because he was a coward. A pathetic coward who couldn’t even have the decency to tell the man he loved the truth. And then a group trip to Eden’s was planned. Andrew thought that maybe if he tried with someone else, it would be easier to walk away from Neil, that maybe he wouldn’t have to tell the truth. Maybe he could live in his lies forever. So he took a pretty nobody to the back room. But right when those lips had touched his, he had felt like he was going to vomit. All he could see was Neil. His pretty blue eyes and freckles and auburn hair. All he could think about was the way Neil looked at him like he loved him. And the way it felt when Neil touched him. He loved him. He loved him. He loved him. And then Andrew had shoved away that nobody. Repeated the words in his head. Thought of every moment he had spent with Neil. He wanted a thousand more. He swallowed his fear, almost choked on it. He planned to tell Neil how he felt tomorrow. Tell him everything. Tell him how much of a liar he was every time he said Neil was nothing, that he felt nothing. But now Neil was gone. He sobbed harder, his body shaking so hard the keys were rattling in his hands.

The foxes knew Andrew knew something, that he had an explanation for why Neil was gone. Usually they stayed away from Andrew, gave him space, but everyone was in such a panic over Neil that they didn’t care. Renee tried to tell them to let her talk to Andrew alone but no one would listen. So the whole team stormed up that staircase and onto the roof. They all froze at what they saw. Andrew was shaking and sobbing on the ground, clutching Neil’s set of keys like a lifeline. None of them had every seen Andrew cry. None of them had ever seen Andrew show any extreme emotion before. But here he was, broken and shattered on the ground.

“Andrew,” Renee said softly, tentatively.

Andrew paused his sobs, swallowed them. His body still shook, he couldn’t make it stop. He couldn’t bare to look at them, couldn’t bare to tell them this was his fault. That Neil was really gone. So he just stared at the ground and waited for the tremors in his body to stop. He felt Renee walk closer to him, felt her kneel beside him.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Renee asked softly.

Andrew just shook his head, choked back another sob. He shook his head over and over. No. No. No. No. No. Neil couldn’t be gone. Andrew had to find him and explain. He had to tell Neil everything.

~

Neil hadn’t realized he had passed out until he was surrounded by people. He was on the side of the highway. There was two cop cars and an ambulance surrounding him. Multiple people staring down at him.

~

Andrew had been driving for a day and a half. The foxes were determined to follow him, so half were stuffed in the Maserati and the other half were following him in Matt’s truck. No one had spoken. Andrew only stopped the car when absolutely necessary. He had given no one any explanation. Only lifted his tired body from the ground of the roof and dragged himself to the Maserati. Everyone else had followed behind. He’d been driving ever since. Andrew had been driving along the highway for two hours before he saw a few cop cars and an ambulance surrounded in one area on the side of the road. There was no accident in sight. Neil.

Andrew pulled over and got out of the car. The foxes all followed, of course. He heard Neil’s voice and his heart skipped in its chest.

“I said i’m fine.”

“No I don’t have any identification.”

“My name is Daniel. I was born in Connecticut. Can you please leave me alone now?”

The cops argued with Neil, or Daniel apparently. Andrew couldn’t make out what they were saying but it sounded like they were pissing Neil off. Andrew walked towards Neil and Neil glanced up, did a double take. His eyes widened. His entire body stiffened as he looked at Andrew. And then he was running again. The cops shouted after him but he just kept going. Andrew jogged back to his car, got everyone inside and drove after Neil. Neil was a fast runner but luckily he couldn’t outrun a Maserati.

“Neil,” Andrew said out the window of his car as he drove beside Neil.

Neil make a frustrated noise and picked up his speed. Andrew just matched it.

“Don’t Andrew. Just don’t,” Neil’s voice cracked as he finished.

“Neil,” Andrew said again.

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, Andrew. Go. Leave. Please,” Neil pleaded breathlessly.

“Neil I don’t know what happened but please let us take care of you. You don’t have to run anymore. Please just get in the car,” Nicky said.

“When we get back we can take a vacation Neil! Just you and me. We can go to the mountains again, just... stop running Neil,” Allison pleaded through her window.

Neil’s feet slowed. And then he stopped. And then he sat down on the side of the road with his head in his hands, breathing deeply. He knew he shouldn’t have ran. He knew that he had the foxes. Even without Andrew, he still had them. But the loss of Andrew was a pain more intense than any injury he had ever received. Having to live with Andrew and see him at practices would be like rubbing salt in the wound every day, like reslicing open that almost healed cut. Neil heard a car door open, felt Andrew walking toward him, felt him sit down beside him. Neil didn’t acknowledge this. He couldn’t. All Neil saw when he closed his eyes was Andrew’s swollen lips, all he heard was that stranger’s shuddered breaths.

“Neil,” Andrew said, his voice almost soft.

“Don’t Andrew. Please. I can’t. I just can’t.”

Andrew took a deep breath. “I know you saw me at Eden’s.”

Neil froze. “It’s fine. I’m fine. You’ve always said i’m nothing to you. I guess I just never thought you actually meant it.”

Andrew pulled at his hair. He hated himself for this, for making Neil feel like this. He wanted to make it up to him for the rest of his life. The words were caught in his throat. He had to push them out. Even though vulnerability went against every instinct he had ever had, he had to, for Neil.

“I don’t hate you. And you’re not nothing.”

Neil flinched. Somehow that was worse. Because that meant Neil was something, but not enough of something for Andrew to want to be with him. Th pressure in his chest was unbearable. Neil hadn’t realized he was shaking until Andrew held a hand out to him. His set of keys. He wanted so badly to take them. He wanted to forget what he saw and go back to the way it was before. But he couldn’t. Because he was in love with Andrew. He felt a tear fall down his cheek, and then another. Neil couldn’t remember the last time he had cried. Andrew pocketed the set of keys and Neil trembled harder, swallowing back a sob. The pain of what he had seen and the reality of what was happening, what he had done, was slamming into him. He never should have run. He had the foxes. He would be okay. But Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. Neil didn’t manage to choke back his sob at the thought of the man beside him.

Andrew scooted his body closer to Neil, lifted a shoulder so that Neil could lean on him, if he wanted. Neil’s body froze. And then Neil slowly leaned into Andrew. He slowly lowered his head to Andrew’s shoulder. Neil was crying, he was crying and it was Andrew’s fault. All Andrew wanted to do was take away Neil’s pain. He wanted to see that stupidly beautiful smile again. He wanted to be the reason for that smile again.

~

The foxes stared and stared at the scene before them. Neil was shaking and tears were streaming down his scarred face. Andrew was holding Neil steady, letting Neil sob in his arms. The sight was heartbreaking and beautiful all at once. At this point the foxes had all figured out that Andrew was the reason Neil had run, they just didn’t know what the hell he did.

~

Andrew stroked his hands up and down Neil’s shoulders, trying to calm him down. Slowly Neil’s tears stopped flowing, his body stopped shaking.

“I’m okay now. You can let go. It’s-it’s over,” Neil said as he began to get up from the ground.

“No,” Andrew said firmly.

“What?”

“This is not over Neil.”

“Don’t Andrew. I don’t need your pity.”

Neil stormed away and got into Matt’s truck. “Drive.”

Andrew gritted his teeth. Fine. At least Neil wasn’t running anymore. He’d drag Neil to the roof and tell him everything once they got back to the dorms.

~

After two extremely awkward and silent car rides back to the dorms Neil was trying to figure out what to do. He shared a bedroom with Andrew. He shared a dorm with Andrew. He shared the roof with Andrew. Where the hell was he supposed to go? He knew him and Andrew needed to have a conversation. He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever. So Neil trudged up all the stairs and made his way to the rooftop.

Andrew had beat him home. He was sitting on the edge of the roof, staring out at campus. Neil walked over and sat next to Andrew. He decided he’d wait for Andrew to speak first. They were silent for a while, both scared of what would happen next.

“Neil I-,” Andrew took a deep breath, clenched his hands into fists. “I don’t want to ever lose your stupid face. You’re not nothing. I am a liar. You’re everything. And there is a ‘this’ and it’s all I want. Just you. Forever. I don’t want anyone else. I know you know I went to Eden’s. I know you saw me. I made a mistake. I couldn’t go past kissing that man, because he wasn’t you. I know what I did, and I-I shouldn’t have.”

~

Neil’s heart soared at the words. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. All that mattered was Andrew. Always.

“Yes or no?” Neil asked.

Andrew just nodded and pulled Neil’s face to his. They kissed slowly, reveling in the feel of each other. After a while Neil deepened the kiss, needing the reassurance of touch. Andrew pressed Neil’s hands to his chest and Neil was reeling. This, this, this. Every touch, every breath. Just Andrew.

Neil pulled back slightly, their breaths still mingling together. “Drew?”

“Yes?”

“I only want to be with you forever too.”

Andrew replied with a searing kiss. Neil moaned into Andrew’s mouth and Andrew pulled Neil into his arms. Andrew was holding Neil in his lap, kissing him soundly.

“Dorm,” Andrew said.

Neil replied with a breathless yes and Andrew stood up from the roof and walked to the exit, still holding Neil in his arms. Neil kissed up and down Andrew’s neck as Andrew carried Neil down the staircase and towards their room. Andrew opened the door to their dorm, walked inside and kicked it closed with a foot as he continued kissing Neil. Their lips didn’t break apart until Andrew was setting Neil down on their bed.

~

The foxes all stared in half horror and half amazement as Andrew carried Neil to their bed, kissing him the whole way there.

“I guess they made up after their fight huh?” Nicky said.

Aaron scowled. “Maybe we should go to the other dorm to watch movies tonight.”

“That might be a good idea,” Matt said.

~

Andrew and Neil kissed and kissed and kissed and explored each other’s body until neither of them had any memories of what had occurred in the past week. There was only Andrew and Neil and their shining new vows to stay together until the end.

( @elide-lochan-salvaterre )

[thewickeddevil]

andreil se conhecendo crianças

okay, I have a lot of thoughts on Andrew and Neil meeting each other when they were kids, so let me talk about one of them

andrew and neil have 10 and 9, respectively

because I like to think that they deserve a lot of happiness, andrew is under bee's guard — just like aaron and nicky — and he follows a therapy routine that is pretty much functional for him

while Neil lives with mary and stuart, and nathan cannot touch a finger on him because the Hatford family's business organization has enough influence to get the Moriyama to put nathan on a leash and keep him away from neil

so on that basis, we have neil and andrew having a pretty stable childhood

in this city where they live there is a small establishment where there are several movies, cartoons, music and other things to rent, and they are always open throughout the day for those who just want to hang out or do whatever other shit they want. anyway, it's a place that quickly becomes popular in the city.

andrew finds this place when nicky takes him there to accompany him while he see the other boys look for some movies. obviously, he likes it at first sight. kid andrew is a little geek, after all although he will never admit it, and he is currently facing a place full of tons and tons of options for the most varied things to watch, everything from action to fiction and dystopia, so of course he loves it

then he goes back to that place a second time, third, fourth and every other time that nicky is willing to go with him

meanwhile neil is trying to get his mother's attention to take him to the 'new movie place', but she always postpones their going

and the only reason neil wants to go there is because he's a fucking curious kid

like, very curious

and one day he just can't take it anymore and goes on his own

"I'm nine years old, of course I'm able to walk alone to a place that is literally four blocks away from my house," he said to himself

it's during this little adventure that neil visits the place for the first time

and he completely hates it

there are a lot of people and everyone is so big and never pays attention to the little boy or listens when he talks, besides that neil doesn’t know at least 80% of the things on the rental movie shelf, because none of that looks like the movies his mother sometimes watches with him and uncle stuart

then, he gets lost among people and goes out the wrong door — the back door that leads to the street opposite the one he came from

neil is confused for exactly three seconds before seeing another person — another boy — playing with a cat near the plants on the opposite sidewalk

he then walks up to him

as he approaches, the other boy lifts his head full of hair that glows golden in the afternoon sun, and then his eyes are even more golden than that

and neil forgot what he was going to say because the boy was grimacing at him, and he didn't even know that boy so why was that?

"if you're just one more guy mistaking me for aaron, I'm going to throw that shoe of yours in your face," andrew said, unaffected.

"who is aaron?" neil asked genuinely "and, excuse me, do I know you? you can't threaten me with my own shoe"

"I just did it"

"yeah, but you can't do it again"

"or else?"

"or else"

and andrew snorted because that kid was completely stupid — but he also had beautiful eyes, he couldn't lie

"are you here alone?" andrew took the cat in his arm and stood up from where he was sitting

"yes, mum and uncle were busy"

"and how old are you?"

"I'm nine years old, but I don't see how it can interest you"

"you shouldn't be here alone, then"

"aren't you here alone?"

"kinda, but I'm ten so I can"

neil, of course, rolled his eyes, "oh, shut up. that's a year apart, and you're shorter than me"

"so what? being shorter means I reach enough to hit you in the legs, and then how are you going to escape when I try to chase you?"

they needed a few moments of silence after that. "you are a quite peculiar boy," neil murmured

so obviously they became friends immediately

as they eventually kept coming back to meet more often, the place became more and more interesting for neil and being inside with the movies and all the stuff was less and less necessary for andrew. I mean, he could just stay with the idiot outside, right?

andrew found out that neil never really cursed, so obviously he taught the boy some bad words

neil found out that andrew has eidetic memory and so he gets good grades without much effort, and everyone completely hates him for it

andrew found out that neil has a heavy british accent whenever he is pissed, tired or excited. ("oi mate, ah youh stchewpid?" he teased one day, imitating his accent, and neil rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest)

neil was startled when he found out that andrew has a twin brother ("I mean, I don't think I can stand looking at your face twice," neil shrugged. "join the team," aaron agreed)

andrew found out that neil liked 70s romance movies, and he laughed like a bitch of that

but neil found out that andrew listened to anime songs, so he also had his dose of laughter

once andrew tried to take their cat home, and bee found out immediately when his belly meowed under his sweatshirt, so andrew promptly said the cat was his friend's

this resulted in neil having to show up for dinner at their house one day. aaron didn't particularly care for him, nicky was all smiles and bee was bee.

and being bee she knew immediately and appreciated the purity and extent of the bond between andrew and that boy, so from that day on neil would be almost a constant presence in their house

until mary obviously wanted to know where her son was going when he disappeared for hours straight almost every day

and this time andrew had to return the favor and show up for dinner at the hatford family home

stuart was a little scared of the boy, and neil rolled his eyes so many times when andrew tried to imitate their british accent that maybe his eye muscles would gain some strength

but they all endured, after all

and that way andrew and neil grew up together for the rest of their childhood until their teens and eventually adulthood

[p0tatonoah]

Couples Therapy

I got a lot of comments more like 3 or 4 on my breakup fic asking for a part 2 where Neil and Andrew patch things up and live happily ever after… This is not it. But you can read it as an alternative ending if you want. Or you can read it as a one shot, it’s up to you. 💁🏽‍♂️

I just thought: people are not always happy, and they don’t always talk, and relationships are not always perfect, so what if Andreil went to couples therapy? 😌

✨You can also read it on A03

✨Wanna read the rest of my stuff?

—-

Session 1

Sarah Barker was in her office and she could hear her 5 o’lock clients arguing outside her door.

“I don’t care what Betsy said, I will not talk to some stranger about our lives, Andrew.”

“You said you’d try. So get your ass in that office and try.”

“I can’t believe it. How can you be ok with this?”

“I… Just shut up and get inside.”

“Hi, I’m Sarah Barker” said the counselor and then, seeing Neil’s scowl, added “You must be Neil.”

“Whatever.” He said, taking a seat on the couch. Andrew wasn’t amused by this behavior, but it wasn’t unexpected.

“Hi, I’m Andrew”

“Hi Andrew, nice to meet you in person. Betsy has talked so much about you,” Andrew’s eyes narrowed instantly “Only good things, don’t worry. Anyway, what brought you here today?”

Andrew looked at his husband’s expression of fake boredom and began talking.

 He told the counselor how they’d been fighting lately over the most stupid things like when Andrew forgot to take the clothes out of the washing machine or when he bought the wrong brand of cat food.

“And why do you think these things are ‘stupid’“ she said, adding air quotes with her fingers.

“Because who even cares about that? They’re such small things. He certainly never bothered about that before.”

 And then they proceeded to perform a live show of a fight about said stupid things. Neil accused Andrew of being careless with his stuff, claiming he was tired of always having to pick up after him. This escalated quite quickly and soon Sarah was having to decide whether or not to believe in the stabbing threats she was hearing.

 When the session was over, she took a deep breath and made a mental note to unfriend Betsy Dobson.

 Session 2

 Sarah greeted her clients and asked how they were doing. All she got in return was a grunt from Andrew and  50 minutes of complete silence.

 Session 3

 “This is useless. We are perfectly capable of dealing with our own shit.”

“If that’s true, then why did you sleep on the couch last night?”

“I told you I dozed off, it wasn’t intentional Andrew.”

  Maybe this session will be more productive , Sarah thought. Only to be proven otherwise when her clients left early without speaking to each other.

 Session 4

 “Hi gentleman, how are we feeling today?”

“Like shit” was Andrew’s response. Neil just shrugged and took his usual seat on the couch.

“How was your week? Did you managed to talk about-“

“It was fine. Everything’s just fine .”

“Neil…”

“No Andrew, I told you this was bullshit. If anything it’s just making things worse.”

“How so?” Sarah asked.

There was a moment of silence before Neil sighed tiredly and began telling the past week’s events. He and Andrew had gone to a function last Friday. The whole team was there and it was supposed to be this huge fancy thing to raise money to the LGBTQIA+ youth shelter and Neil was really looking forward to it. Socializing had become easier over the years and he was excited he could help a cause so close to is heart. But Andrew had ruined everything when he pulled a knife on one of the guests . The man had asked Neil for a picture “Big Exy star like this, my kids are going to freak out” the older man had said. Everything was ok until the stranger decided to hug Neil without clearing it with him first. After that everything was just a blur of knives being drawn and the security escorting them out.

 “Andrew, what was going through your mind at that moment?” Sarah asked.

“I was just trying to protect you,” he said staring at the floor, unable to look at Neil. “When I saw that man touching you without consent I just…“

“I get it, but we’ve talked about this, Drew. Not everyone is… Fuck. Do you know how bad things are for coach right now? For us?”

“Oh your precious Exy. Shouldn’t mess that up, right?”

 “Ok, let’s take a deep breath and think for a second. I’m sure you’re not here just so you can hurt each other further.” Sarah said, trying to keep things from going south.

 “I’ll give you a task,” Neil’s scowl was so deep Sarah thought he’d hurt himself. “It’s pretty simple. I just want you to write down what’s bothering you about your relationship. Doesn’t matter how small  or insignificant you think it might be, just write. This should help organizing your thoughts and once the problem is ‘visible’, it’s easier to find strategies on how to deal with it.”

 As Sarah walked them to the door, she said “It goes without saying, but please don’t read each other’s lists.”

 Session 5

 Of course they read each other’s lists.

 “He doesn’t say ‘I hate you as often’” Andrew read the list out loud. “What does this even mean?”

Neil threw his arms in the air, exasperated. “It means stay out of my business Andrew” he finally said, snatching the list from his husband.

 Sarah had to admit she was curious about that one. “What does it mean Neil?”

 Neil groaned and threw himself onto the couch. “We used to talk more, about all kinds of things. And you used to be funny and I’d pester you because I knew that when you told me you hated me, it only meant that you hated how much you loved me.” Neil spoke the last part like it left a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

“That’s why,” Andrew said quietly. 

“Why what?”

“Why I don’t say it anymore,” He sat down to look his husband in the eyes. “I love you Neil, and I don’t hate any part of it.”

  Aha, Sarah thought, it was worth it. Am I not the best?  

 But damn her and her stupid thoughts, because two minutes later they were at it again.

 “Once after sex you said it was fine .”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“We all know what that means, Neil!”

  Oh Boy, this was going to be a bumpy ride.

 Session 6

 After the list fiasco, Sarah thought she’d have to take things slow if she wanted these men to talk about their issues without storming off.

 The session started off ok, Neil was the first to talk and said nothing had happened that week. Suspecting the look on his face, Sarah asked “And how does it feel, having an uneventful week?”

“It’s fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” Andrew snorted at that, but didn’t say anything.

“Last week you said you guys used to talk more. What changed?” Sarah continued.

“I don’t know. At first we just fell into this comfortable silence. Being around each other was enough and then we became so busy with the team…”

“uhm. I see. Do you agree with that Andrew?”

The blond was in silence for a while, and when he spoke his voice was almost a whisper. “I thought I was losing you. To the team… Let me finish” he said when Neil made to speak. “All those people were so brand new, no ghosts, no dead mothers and you looked so happy just to be around them. I thought I was losing you, Neil.”

 Sarah sat in silence waiting for the other man’s response, but he just ran a hand through his hair and breathed loudly.

 “Neil…” Sarah goaded.

 “You are losing me Drew.” Andrew reacted with his whole body. It was almost like he had imploded, his heart in a million pieces. Sarah saw then how much he cared about his brooding husband.

 “You are losing me… not because I have new friends, but because you refuse to move on,” Neil’s voice sounded strangled. “I know what you’ve been through, hell I was there for some of it, but I thought we could grow out of it. Together. Only you refused to let that happen.”

 “I didn’t. It’s not just like that and you know it. You of all people-“

“Yes, me of all people. I know it’s hard. But I trust you Andrew. I trusted you with my life as soon as we met and I still trust you now. But I don’t feel like you trust me .”

“Don’t say stupid things.”

“Is it stupid though? Cause I don’t feel like you trust me enough to let me decide when I’m uncomfortable, or to tell me when you are not feeling safe. Instead you just lash out. That night… Yes that man didn’t ask if he could hug me and, yes, it was awkward, but I wasn’t scared .”

 There was a silence before Neil continued to speak. “I need you to trust me Drew. I need you to know I can protect myself and that I’ll tell you when I can’t. But more than anything, I need you to understand that I love you. Scarred and glued together, just like you are.”

 Sarah was not crying cause that would be unprofessional of her.

 Session 7

 “Well, last session was very emotional. I believe you have talked about it throughout the week…” Sarah said expectantly.

The men sitting in front of her exchanged a guilty look.

“All right… Let’s talk about it now, then.” She rubbed her hands together preparing herself. “Andrew, what do you think about what Neil said, you not trusting him enough and all that?“ 

The surly blond man didn’t answer.

“Neil, have you ever expressed those feelings to Andrew before?” She tried again, but only got a shrug in response. 

  Baby steps, she thought. We’ll get there. Even if I have to kick them all the way there.

 Session 8

 Sarah waited for her 5 o’clock appointment but they didn’t show.

 Session 9

 She was starting to get worried.

 Session 10

“Hello Neil, Andrew. Nice to see you again.”

 “Hey” they answered in unison. Huh 

“So, how have you been?” Sarah said seating on a chair across from them. She couldn’t help but notice how close they sat to each other, their knees touching.

“Fi- Good,” Neil said, and then added “We talked about all the… stuff.”

“Oh I’m glad to hear that.” Sarah was irrationally scared that this was a prank. That they had teamed up to make fun of her one last time. “How are you feeling now? Andrew?“

The man looked at his hands and then up at his partner’s eyes. “I’m good.” Was that a smile on his lips?

 They explained how they finally stopped avoiding the subject and just faced it head on. Neil had already said his piece during the session, but Andrew had a lot stuck on his throat. He trusted Neil with everything except with his own well-being. “Cause lets face it, you were never good at saying how you actually felt.”  He’d said. 

“I tell you that I love you”

“But not that I’m hurting you, and that’s the thing. You need to tell me Neil. How am I supposed to trust you like that?”

 That had gone on and on until they reached an agreement. Neil would always be honest about his feelings if Andrew let him deal with things by himself. 

 “That sounds like a good deal.” 

Andrew’s huff was barely audible. 

“What was that?” Sarah asked.

“As a part of our agreement, he’s not allowed to wear knives at social gatherings anymore.”

  I don’t think anyone should be allowed that . Sarah thought as she smiled pleasantly. 

 Session 11

 “I have to admit, I was surprised when you called, Neil. Thought you’d want to be done with it.” Sarah said at the end of that session.

“Yeah, so did I,” he said as he scratched the back of his neck. “I just wanted to thank you… Guess it is good to have someone to help us see things clearer or whatever.”

“Well, I’m honored.” Sarah was quite pleased with herself. Two happy clients leaving her office holding hands, sharing secret smiles and soft kisses when they thought she wasn’t looking.

 Maybe she should have given Betsy more credit…

—

Lots of words, I know…

But if you made it here, please let me know what you think.🥰