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feverinfeveroutfic · 5 months

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kinktober all year, 2024

i’m so sorry, but-

it had to be done.

after the fiasco of kinktober 2023, and i had to regroup with blood and wine, i am continuing to lick my wounds from the humiliation. i mean, a genuinely kinky person was all around ignored during a kink-fest, like nothing about that makes any sense whatsoever. worse, i don’t even know why i was ignored; i mean, i have my theories but they’re all hard to confirm. i really don't understand why i was given such a cold shoulder this year when i dropped the first one shot.

it’s supposed to be a community and yet, i saw right away that it isn’t. “don’t ‘yuck’ someone’s ‘yum’” feels like a naïve joke at this point because all i could think leading up to the 18th when i pulled the plug was “gee, sorry i’m not good and sexy enough for you guys. i’m terribly sorry that this is torturous for you, there's literally nothing i can do about it so i'll see myself out before this is done so you don't have to be exposed to my bullshit for a while.”

god, my sexuality is just… it’s too much. it’s way too much and i feel trapped inside of it. i'm helpless to rid of it even as i genuinely hate it so much. i genuinely wish i didn't have a sexuality because it's useless. no one likes it or wants to know about it. i’m way too much. i'm too kinky and yet i'm not sexual enough. all dressed up with nowhere to go.

and yet, i can’t let them win. these totally unsexy, borderline gross, borderline sexist, pregnancy-loving scoundrels who inexplicably dominated this year couldn’t write a compelling story if it saved the world; they cannot continue to act like they're the only ones who can do it. there has to be a place for me; there just has to be. i may hate my sexuality more than anything and find it ugly and disgusting and i'm pretty sure it's the last thing you'll ever see before you die, but it’s like the inevitability of death: you can’t escape it. plus, after the last couple of months, i don’t really need some hundreds of people to kiss my ass to feel like the queen of kinktober: i don’t need fandom, and i don’t think i ever have needed it, either.

so, i give you kinktober all year.

now, just to make it easier on myself—mainly because i honestly have no clue how 2024 will play out (it could be the worst year of my life for all i know, especially if this year was anything to go by), but also because i have wips to write—these will be sent out on a weekly basis starting new year's day, giving us a grand total of 52 one shots. aside from the first one, i’ll keep the prompts a surprise just to keep my very personal preferences to myself, but i will give away titles, though. i'll also keep the participants under wraps until i post them for the same reason (you know alex will be in like... one or two, though).

yes, this is going on ao3 because i’ve been getting really, really tired of tumblr and really all social media lately. no, i don’t care if you join me or not because it’s a holistic thing that’s really just meant for myself; you can if you want, though. “i’m not like them, but i can pretend.”

“the wandering jew” (this one, i've already shared; it's my water kink)

“django tango”

“heroin”

“five minutes”

“corduroy”

“poison ivy”

“chillblains”

“he’s gotta have it”

“bats in the attic”

“midnight rambler”

“pebble beach”

“chiaroscuro”

“this kiss”

“disco volante”

“seashells”

“deer in the headlights”

“scarlet”

“walk with me”

“have a cigar”

“poison whiskey”

“i think i lost my headache”

“touch too much”

“pearly dew drops”

“still crazy after all these years”

“enjoy every sandwich”

“let’s talk about cars”

“twin flames”

“as serious as a heart attack”

“trial by fire”

“he didn’t”

“flannel”

“side street”

“be with me”

“heart and lungs”

“dodge the bambula”/“jackin’ it in san diego"

“the razor’s edge”

“she likes surprises”

“black coral”

“black nightshade”

“seduce and destroy”

“pick a number”

“all that glitters”

“…like clockwork”

“sabra cadabra”

“world of brass”

“every night i burn”

“one of these nights”

“aquamarine”

“the beast”

“dream with me”

“dionysus”

“time has come today”

#kinktober #kinktober masterlist #kinktober prompts #kinktober all year #testament #testament band #anthrax #anthrax band #anthrax fanfic #testament fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #writing #kink tag #kink tumblr #kink content #text

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feverinfeveroutfic · 4 months

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like blood from a stone | chapter forty-four

(ao3 title: pity the living, envy for the dead)

a/n: four months in purgatory, let’s gooooooo 🔥🩸

I could scarcely think straight as Larry and I made our way to the hospital. Everything was dark and everything was quiet, and yet everything was brightly lit and deafening all at the same time. I barely knew Jeff but at the same time, I also wondered what would happen if it was me or anyone else.

Who would do this? I asked myself every so often. Who the hell would do this, and to Jeff of all people?

I glanced over at Larry right as he tightened his grip on the rim of the steering wheel. He had not said a word since we had received the news and when we left as well. In fact, by the look on his face, I could sense that he needn't say a word.

If only I had someone who was this tense and nervous should something ever happen to me. To feel that tunnel vision about someone, and to feel the worry that they could lose me. I had that feeling with a few people in my life, and it makes me curious to know if anyone else has felt that way about me before. I held onto the handle over my head and I kept my free hand tucked in my pocket; I was going to the hospital in a sweater that he had lent me and it hung off my body like an empty potato sack, but I wasn't going to complain. Not everyone could be able to go to the hospital in nothing more than shorts on, let alone a long velvet dress that didn't belong to him.

Larry turned the corner and he bounded us into the hospital driveway as if he was Mario Andretti. He parked right before the front doors of the hospital even though I knew full well that was no place to park, but he had barely switched off the car when he ducked out of there and sprinted up to the doors. They slid open and he started to shriek out Jeff's name.

I climbed over the center console into the driver's seat and switched the car back on: Jeff could have sustained a mortal wound to his chest, the last thing Larry needed was to have his car towed. I drove into the rest of the parking lot: because it was later in the evening and most people who had been visiting that day had gone home, there was a whole assortment of spots to take. I slotted the car into the one closest to the front doors of the hospital. I locked it and hurried back to the double doors to fetch Larry and maybe a nurse or two who could tell us both what was happening.

No sooner had I come inside of the front lobby when I caught the sight of a man on a stretcher with a nasty third degree burn on his face and all the way down his neck and shoulder. I covered my own and ducked away from there, and I nearly ran into a doctor carrying one of those big syringes used to draw out bone marrow. The mere sight of it was so bad that I lunged away and towards the front desk across the room. Out of breath, I clutched at myself and looked on at the black haired receptionist in the pale green scrubs, who had a hand to her chest from surprise, probably from me being there all of a sudden.

“Are you okay?” she asked me, slightly concerned.

“Yeah, I think so,” I confessed; the man with the burn was across the room but that smell was unmistakable. I grimaced at it and fanned my face with the side of my hand.

“Yeah, it's bad,” she replied.

“Um, was there a guy who just checked in named Larry?”

“Yeah, he was looking for his husband. He went down to room nineteen thirty-seven. But—” She stopped me before I could go anywhere. “—visiting hours are done for today. No one who isn't family is allowed in there.”

“But I'm a friend, though,” I insisted to her.

“Family only past that point,” she repeated, to which I fetched up a sigh. I had nowhere else to go and I had forgotten where Jeff and Larry lived because it was dark and I was tired as well.

“Alright. When do visiting hours start?”

“Eight o'clock tomorrow morning because it's the weekend, and they go all the way to six o'clock in the evening,” she replied as she turned back away from me for a second to fetch a piece of paper from the printer behind her. She also reached for a jar of some kind of pale yellow foamy liquid, capped off with a plunger. “And—you and I both are going to need this.”

“What's this?” I asked her.

“Lemon juice. It'll get rid of that burnt flesh smell. Lean forward, please—”

I leaned forward and she sprayed some of it over the crown of my head and onto my shoulders. I shook my head about as she gave herself a spritz. I thanked her and doubled back out the front doors whilst I held my breath. I was outside in the fresh air smelling of lemons and with nowhere to go but back to the car, either.

I unlocked it and climbed into the backseat to call it a night. Not my idea of spending the night with some friends, but I had no other choice as I locked the doors to protect myself. I tugged the hood of the sweater over my head and lay down on my side. Not the first time a peasant like myself had to do this, and I was certain it wouldn't be the last as I had no other way into the royalty. I could only hope that Chuck and Alex were on their way come the morning as there was no other way I could do anything from thence forth as I somehow drifted off to sleep in those hard leather seats.

When I awoke the next morning, I woke up with a deep chill in my body and an ache in my hip. I sat up with my head spinning and a full view of the fog outside of the car.

No idea what time it was, or if Larry had even come back to the car at any given point during the night, but I unlocked the back door and slid out of there onto the pavement. I stretched my arms over my head as I recognized Eric and Lou down the sidewalk.

They must have come about before I woke up.

I leaned back to the front seat of the car and turned the key so the clock came on: indeed, it was eight forty-five. I took the key out of the ignition, and I locked the car again, and I tucked the key into my pocket. I still smelled of lemons courtesy of the receptionist but I wasn't going to complain: at least it wasn't smelling of burnt human flesh.

Room nineteen thirty-seven, was what she told me.

I made my way into the corridor, past an old man laying on a stretcher with a tube down his throat and an obstetrician holding a newborn baby in her arms, past the intensive care unit and the cardiologists, and all the while with the stench of chemicals all around me. The view of humanity around me as it died and reincarnated again in such sterile fashion, and I was walking a fine line all the while. But then I spotted the sign off to the right, and I bowed into the room.

There was Jeff, propped into an upright position with a tube down his throat and his long hair tied back from the sides of his face to keep it all away, with a patch of gauze over his chest, out like a light. Larry, who had taken his seat at the foot of his bed, nodded at me; Chuck and Alex were right next to him, huddled down like a couple of emperor penguins.

“There you are,” Larry greeted me in a low voice.

“I slept in the car,” I told him, and he chuckled at that, but I shrugged, defiant. “I forgot the way back to your place and I didn't feel like going all the way back to Chuck and Alex's house. How's he doing, by the way?”

“He's conscious and they stabilized him, but he's still really groggy,” Chuck explained. “Doubt he'll be walking and talking while we're all here.”

“What even happened?” I demanded as I pressed my hands to my hips.

“He got caught in a robbery,” he replied. “At least, that's what the cops said.”

“He caught a bullet in his chest and another one in his neck,” Larry explained. “They were able to get the first one out, but they're thinking he'll have another surgery or two for the one in his neck. It's lodged in there pretty good.”

“Didn't you say he got one in his hand, too?” Alex recalled.

“No, he put up his hand in self defense,” Larry clarified. “You know, like he was ducking down and protecting his face. And it nicked his finger before it went into his throat.”

“Oh, yeah, that's right...”

I craned my neck for a better look at Jeff's right hand down by his hip, bound up in a thick white bandage and kept straight with a bit of plywood. I sighed through my nose. I still wanted to know who would do this to him: I didn't want to think of it as something because of us and the royalty but it was difficult not to think that, however.

“Which means our wedding's probably going to be postponed now,” Larry grumbled, to which he shook his head.

“Well, look at it this way, you've got more time to plan it out,” Chuck pointed out to him.

“Yeah, but...”

“What?”

“I was really looking forward to it,” Larry said in a small voice. “I really do feel it with him and now I'm having to wait. I don't give a flying fuck about the royalty, I just—want him.” He closed his eyes and bowed his head, and Chuck reached over with a hand on his shoulder. I lingered closer to Alex, who gazed up at me with a somber look on his face.

I had to find the right moment to tell Chuck the truth, but I had a feeling that this wouldn't be the day.

And in fact, the four of us were there all morning until around lunchtime when the nurse asked us to leave because of Jeff's surgery. Larry was in shambles, and Alex held up next to him to keep him company for the time being. Meanwhile, I turned to Chuck as he was putting on his leather jacket and running his fingers through his lush black curls: I caught the view of the rings on his fingers, and I couldn't believe I was going to do it.

But I was going to do it anyway.

“You know, I really, really hate to do this,” I told him.

“What?” he asked me, taken aback. I then pursed my lips and turned away from him: no way I could tell him, not with Alex still in earshot.

“Nothing, nothing,” I quipped with a shake of my head. “There's... there's a time and a place for it.” I stepped away from him to make it look as though I was walking after Alex and Larry to the cafeteria on the second floor.

“No, tell me,” he insisted, and he walked closer to me.

“Chuck, we nearly lost a brother,” I quipped to him in a haste. “I don't think for one second that this is the best time for it.”

“Joey, listen to me,” he insisted, slightly out of breath. “We all could die randomly at any time. Whatever is on your mind right now, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Alex and Larry went ahead, and I found a spot in the corridor where there wasn't things going on, and I turned around to face him. He stopped right before me with his eyebrows raised and his hand on my shoulder.

“I was going to tell you that—” I began, and then I stopped right in my tracks.

“What?”

“I—”

“Yes?”

“I like you,” I said, and the words just came pouring out. “A lot. In fact, I'm inclined to say that I love you. I'm in love with you. I can't live without you.”

I swallowed, and it was hard to swallow as well. I then shook my head and bowed away from him.

“No. No, I'm sorry. I can't. That's not fair to either of us. Not fair to you, to me, to Alex, to—” I could hardly talk. I shook my head again, and I turned away, and I headed back for the double doors of the hospital. My face grew hot with embarrassment, and even though I ran under the vents of air conditioning, I was sweating buckets. I needed to be outside, out in the gray daylight and away from the cold sterility of the hospital.

I ducked outside to the overcast sky overhead with my head tilted back, and my hair strewn back from my head, and my mouth wide open as if I was drowning.

I was drowning.

I was drowning in the worst feeling ever.

I couldn't bear to show my face to him again, at least not in this lifetime.

“Joey!” I thought I could hear his voice. “Joey!”

I ran. I ran as fast as I could away from there. I was going to go back to the house, but then I remembered that I would have to face him and Alex there. I could go to Kirk and Lars' house, but then I would have to deal with the drama over there.

I couldn't go back to Larry and Jeff's place because I had forgotten where they lived; same story with Eric and Lou.

I had nowhere to go. I literally had nowhere to go from thence forth.

“Joey!” His voice shook floorboards, and it shook my bones, even from way off in the distance.

I finally stopped and turned around for a glance back at him as he hurried up to me, completely out of breath.

“I feel terrible, Chuck, I can't,” I sputtered. “I can't! I can't!”

He clasped onto my shoulders, and I held still as a result. It was like two puzzle pieces locking together.

He then leaned into my face with a kiss on my forehead. I never moved a muscle even as the feeling made me so weak at the knees. He then gazed into my face.

“Keep it between you and me,” he whispered into my face. I gazed into those big bright eyes as they glistened back at me through the shadows like the sun through the gray fog right over our heads. In the dim light, I could see the corners of his mouth curl up into a little smile, and then he leaned forward to my face for another kiss, that time on my lips. I closed my eyes and held still as I relished in the feeling.

Chuck let me go and, right as I opened my eyes, he closed his, and then he bowed his head.

“There has to be another way,” he confessed to me.

“Yeah, there—there has to be,” I sputtered out. He raised his head and looked into my eyes once again.

“Should I go back to the house?” I asked him in a low voice.

“No. It's too far. Alex and I'll drive you home later. But in the meantime, let's get something to eat.” He then put his arm around me and guided me back to the hospital. I had no idea as to how long we would be there, but I had a feeling that it wouldn't for long as Jeff stared down another round of anesthesia.

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