#any sort of food that there exists a wild version of

[brosbroke]

Hang on let me just make sure this dog food for my pug doesn’t have any genetically modified ingredients

[fallout-dracula]

May 3rd, Victory-Ville.

May 3rd, Victory-Ville.-Left Barstow at 8:35 P.M., on May 1st. I’m due to arrive in Necropolis early tomorrow morning. The train was supposed to arrive at 6:46 but got delayed by an hour. Palmdale seems like a wonderful place all things considered. I would have liked to explore more of it, but I feared going too far from the station, as we had arrived late and started at whatever the nearest correct time would be. The impression that we were leaving civilized NCR territory and venturing into the wild north wasn’t something that was far from my mind. This was a land of wild things, blasted heaths, and monsters. 

We left at a decent time and came after night fell in a town called Wall-Ongg. Can’t say that I’m crazy about the Hotel Royale, with it being the only one in the area. A thing made out of various tin trailers that were stacked on top of each other, only kept in place by iron bars. I had to climb a rope ladder to get to my room on the second floor and I had to share with a ghoul who wouldn’t make eye contact with me. The food served in the rudimentary dining hall was good. Some kind of radchicken seasoned with intense spices(mem., get the recipe for Mina.)I asked the chef and he called it “Tinga,” and that it was an old-world dish that was popular throughout the state and parts further south. The chef, Inez, said that it was also popular in settlements further north so I should be able to get it at most farming communities. I found what smattering of Spanish I knew useful here; indeed, I don’t think I would have managed this far without it. I might have been forced to dip into my rations and there’s nothing super appetizing about a meal of month-old brahmin jerky with a corn-nut side dish.

Having had some time at my disposal while in The Boneyard, I had visited the Library, and set out to look among the old books, holotape records, and maps that the Followers had on hand regarding Calistoga; it struck me that having some foreknowledge of the region could hardly fail to have some importance in dealing with a local chieftain. I find that it’s a strange place. An isolated area that is surrounded on multiple sides by great mountains, both those that existed before the bombs and the great new ones that formed because of them. A hamlet completely cut off from the rest of the settlements. Not even connected by the rail line. The Followers and their maps weren’t any help in locating where Castle Dracula sat, I couldn’t find it on local surveys or any of the older records. But, I was able to find an ancient tourist spot, Castello di Amorosa. With that in mind, it was a better start than nothing. I shall enter here with some of my notes, as they may refresh my memory when I talk over my travels with Mina. 

In Northern Los Angeles County and areas further north, the population is made up of the usual suspects. Descendents of the Chinese who fled submarines, but didn’t want to join The Shi; ghouls; lost supermutants without any track in life; descendants of Mexicans and middle-class white people who formed settlements that spoke a rural version of Spanglish. I didn’t know what I would find when I ventured north towards Calistoga and the settlements that surrounded it. It was as if I were at the center of some sort of imaginative whirlpool where the possibilities were endless. (Mem., I must ask the Count about all of them.)

I did not sleep well, though the dirty mattress was comfortable enough, for I had all sorts of queer dreams. The ghoul I shared a room with growled to himself. Digging at his face with his fingernails. He seemed only further agitated by the howling of a dog outside of our window. It was either this or my stomach disagreeing with the chicken. I had to drink some of the local water and hit myself with half a portion of Radaway. Towards the morning, I slept and was woken up by the continuous pounding at the door. I supposed before then sleep had properly overtaken me. My ghoul roommate had already checked out. Breakfast was more chicken. There was also a side dish of stir-fried potatoes, julienned jalapenos, and eggplants. The host called it “Disanxian.” (Mem., get the recipe for this also.) I had to hurry though, a rough breaking of my evening fast to catch the train before eight. Or…So I thought. I arrived at 7:30. I then had to wait in the carriage for over an hour before the damn thing began to move. It seemed to me that the further north you went, the less reliable the trains became. What were they like in the bitter north like Portland?

The train seemed to rattle as it snail crawled down the track through the country. Endless flat wasteland giving away to trees, both of the skeletal and overgrown variety. We ran past old farms, abandoned settlements, and isolated homes in the woods. And of course, raider camps who took potshots at the train with rifles. Thank god nobody died, but still. As we went further the abandoned settlements gave away to charming little towns that had slightly better buildings than wooden shacks and trailers. Some of them even looked like pictures from old storybooks. At every station there were groups of people, sometimes crowds in all sorts of attire. Some of them were just farmers wearing brown threadbare jackets and pants held up by a length of rope. Others wore old shorts with hoodies made out of brahmin leather. Some with wide-brimmed hats, vests, and chaps to look like cowboys. There were a few supermutants who wore full-body jumpsuits like janitors, stained with mud or viscera, marking their place in the community as either a builder or a butcher. 

It was on the darker end of twilight when we arrived in Vacaville or Victory-Ville, which is an interesting old place. It was one of those frontier towns that rested on the outskirts of The Necropolis. There was a road that cut away from it and up to Calistoga, but it was a path that went up and took a long way through the mountains themselves. A nearly seven-hour trip that cut through horror lands like Necropolis and Stocks. Victory-Ville also served as an ironic name, having been the setting of multiple raider attacks and fires. Only for the people of it to rebuild from the ashes. Then there’s the usual turf wars and famine that sweep through every settlement at some point or another.

Count Dracula had directed me to go to the Gilded Crown Hotel on the outskirts of the town. He said in his detailed instructions that it was one of the best places to stay in the area. I could find no reason to disbelieve this when I came across it. It was a gorgeous old-world-style motel on the northern edge of the settlement, complete with a yellow neon crown that flickered and glowed on its face. Two stories of stone and wood, perhaps even untouched by the flames of the past. I was greeted in the office on the first floor by an old Mexican woman with a kind face, wearing an ordinary peasant dress and a brahmin leather hoodie. One must be weary of the elderly in the wasteland. To be very old is a sign that you’ve done some terrible things to make it to that age. However, that escaped me because I couldn’t help but see some aspects of my grandmother in her thin, wrinkled face and toothless smile.

“Señor Harker?” she asked.

I replied in my frankly abysmal Spanish and paired it with a nod. She looked at me closely, her friendly smile melting into an expression of concern. She vanished into the back and returned with a letter which bore the signature of The Count.

It was written in English as were his letters to the Lawyer’s office in The Boneyard where I work. 

It read as follows:

Dear sir!

Welcome to Vacaville. I am anxiously expecting you. At seven tomorrow evening, the mail train from Fairfield to Salvador will leave. I have booked you a fare on it. I will have my carriage waiting for you on East Travis to bring you to my home.  I hope you will not have strained yourself too much during the journey, and that you will enjoy your visit to our beautiful land as you are bound to stay here for both our benefits, and I am your friend, 

Dracula.

All of this sounded fine to me. It’s not every day you meet a local chieftain, let alone one who can write. Let alone one who lives in a castle. It was like something out of a fairytale about old Europe but transplanted to California, right on the knife’s edge of the civilized world. He wrote in flawless English with the urbanity of cultivated scholars, while negotiating with solicitors and real estate agents to buy a house in the heart of Angel’s Boneyard. Such a man must be truly remarkable.

[script-a-world]

Submitted via Google Form:

Any tips on creating monsters? Especially if these monsters are simply some of the native life forms of an isolated location our heroes find themselves on? I mean sure, I think of whatever creepy and scary idea you can think of and chuck it in... but there would probably be reasons they evolved that way naturally and it isn't to terrorise outsiders.

Also, if I have one of those monsters secreting a toxin, how possible is to to have one of my humans someone be immune to it, or otherwise has minimal effect on them?

Addy: If you're looking to make something fit an ecological niche, start with what already exists and work from there. Not necessarily a cut-and-paste, but take inspiration from it.

For example, there's something to be said about the simple bear. Bears are scary. They're big, they're tough, they're pretty fast, they can climb trees, they're reasonably clever, and they're very hard to kill. The word "bear" basically means "the brown one," as people used to be so scared of bears they wouldn't say their name, in case a bear got summoned.

Also wild boars. Pigs are freakishly big, and wild hogs are worse. Boar spears have a crossguard to keep the hog from just running the spear through its whole body as it runs at you. You also get into jaguars (they're like IRL drop bears in the shape of cats), crocodiles, and all sorts of kinds of things. Even hippos.

You want somewhere to start? Take a large, bulky predator (or omnivore or big herbivore) and give it some weird traits. Adapt it to the demands of your local environment. Give it a niche to fill, with a lot of the basic premise/heavy lifting done for you by nature. How about a giant bat? Or a coyote with mange (likely the origin of the capybara tale)? Or a cannibalistic giant lizard? Then add spooky and scary stuff, go for it. But remember - some of the creatures that we find very normal and commonplace? They were once considered monsters too.

For toxins... it depends on what the toxin is. If it shuts down specific metabolic processes, then your characters could be totally immune, as they have different biology. Or maybe it's like how alliums (garlic, onions, and leeks) are super toxic to most pet and livestock species, but not us. Our blood is just a bit different in a way that makes n-propyl disulfide (the compound that makes alliums toxic) wayyyy less toxic. The toxin could also be intended for birds or reptiles or whatever else, and therefore have a lesser effect on mammals. Or maybe humans are just special.

Also, threat displays are very much a thing. They're big, they're flashy, they're scary. You can have a critter that hisses and growls and blows up a neck pouch for intimidation, and the intended purpose of that is to scare off creatures that would try to steal its food.

Feral: I’m gonna take a slightly different approach to monster making than filling an evolutionary niche. Classic horror monsters often derive from thematic or symbolic exploration. Vampires are a seductive Other; although they come from older folktales, the vampire of today was born in the early 19th century to explore the racist, xenophobic, and homophobic anxieties of English society.  Werewolves also have much older origins than the common version in modern media but have always blurred the line between a civilized human and a primal beast. 

Looking to the horror King, It fed on fear, taking the shape of the children’s fears - monsters from B-movies like werewolves, a clown, a woman from a creepy portrait, a syphilis-infected homeless man, a zombified Georgie - which the narrative used to explore more abstract fears - leaving childhood and going through puberty, not to mention the overall terrorizing effect of racism, misogyny, and homophobia on the population. The Shining doesn’t even try to pretend it’s not about alcoholism and the effects of substance abuse on a family.

You mention that this story will take place in an isolated setting. Isolation is terrifically thematic. How can you lean into it? What if everyone who dies seems to be totally alone when it happens? And even after they realize they’re in danger, they keep putting themselves in a situation to be alone? Pair that with your monster’s evolution to better survive. Does the monster have some way of peeling one person off from the pack as part of how they hunt - maybe they have some form of vocal mimicry like some birds or a cat that makes the person think they are going towards a crying baby or wounded animal? Does it have exceptional camouflage so no one suspects they are not alone when they’re in a vulnerable position? You mention there being a toxin - instead of killing, can it produce hallucinations or paranoia that would cause a person to split from the group? These could all help the monster hunt whatever its normal prey would be while still tapping into much more abstract fears that you want to explore.

[brown-little-robin]

48: Neutral Territory

part one | previous | next | masterlist | ao3 version

On the first Monday of September, Thad will start college at Metropolis University. That leaves him one week to, as Joseph puts it, “settle in��. One in-between week where Joseph is working and Thad is free to wander around as he chooses.

He doesn’t feel like he’s “settling in”. He feels like he’s split in half. He’s half happy, half… something else.

When he’s with Joseph, he’s happy. Simple as that. He hangs around Joseph whenever he can and only leaves him when he has to.

Joseph has taken to braiding Thad’s hair every night before bed, so that it stays out of his face at night, he says. In actuality, Thad thinks Joseph just likes braiding Thad’s hair. It’s embarrassing. It’s horrible. It makes Thad purr.

He likes it.

Thad always takes the braid out in the morning. He leaves his hair long and wild in the daytime, like Bart’s, only not, because, in this house, no one but himself thinks of him as a clone of Bart. It makes him smile sometimes, knowing that Joseph doesn’t think of his hair as like Bart. To Joseph, Bart's hair would be like Thad. Sometimes the long hair bothers him, but Thad can live with that. You win some, you lose some, as Joseph says sometimes.

Thad learns things about Joseph. Bit by bit. Joseph likes orange muffins in the mornings, and he has an assortment of ridiculous robes to sleep in that he changes out of before he leaves his room in the morning, maybe because they expose so much of his chest. Thad doesn’t mind; he lost his capacity to react emotionally to nudity a long time ago. Thad’s favorite of Joseph’s robes so far is a yellow one with blue dragons on it. It clashes with Joseph’s hair and his skin. The first time he saw the yellow robe, it nearly made Thad give himself up by laughing.

Thad spies on Joseph sometimes, vibrating himself into the attic space above Joseph’s room’s ceiling. It’s a dark little habit; he’ll break it one of these days, maybe, when he stops feeling like Joseph stops existing when Thad’s not watching him.

It does occur to Thad to ask Joseph if he can sleep in the same room. Luckily, he’s not insane, so he immediately banishes the thought from his mind.

When he’s not with Joseph… when he’s not with Joseph, he’s back to being Thaddeus Thawne again.

The Plum Room is his territory, and the rest of the house is… neutral territory. Adeline’s suite is enemy grounds. Maybe he shouldn’t think of her as an enemy, but he can’t seem to help it. That sort of thing is built into his DNA.

Joey assures Thad that Adeline tolerates him, likes him, even, but every time she speaks to him it’s so brusque Thad can’t help but think of her as a President Thawne, a looming figure with all the power. He avoids her, and he avoids her rooms.

The great room and the kitchen and pantry are neutral zones. Thad doesn’t like them. They’re too open. They make his back itch. The pantry is better—it’s small. He feels safe there, surrounded by bread and peanut butter and sacks of flour and sugar and a virtual colony of snacks. It’s stupid. It’s stupid how safe it makes him feel, all that food, available for him at any time.

He takes advantage of the food at random times, testing the promise, and when Joseph notices, it just makes him smile, which makes Thad happy. So maybe it’s not entirely stupid.

The east side of the mansion is neutral territory. The pool room is beautiful, alluring, tempting… dangerous. It would be too easy to relax into that water and just—lose himself. He might dissociate in there, and he’s had Adeline’s warning that he could drown that way running through his head since she said it. No, the pool room is wonderful, but he doesn’t use it. The closest he comes is sitting on the edge of the pools, thinking. Just… thinking. Swirling his feet in the water, sometimes.

The water feels like CRAYDL.

He thinks maybe he’s mourning, or whatever twisted semblance of that emotion he’s capable of.

He doesn’t talk about CRAYDL to Joseph. Not much. Just bits and pieces, here and there. Facts. Not feelings.

The music room is Joseph’s room. Thad loves it the same way he loves Joseph—in a shockingly uncomplicated way. It’s a good room, it has beautiful things in it, and it’s full of strange knowledge. It’s a puzzle Thad wants to figure out. It’s a refuge when he gets tired of the rest of the house.

The exercise room—

Thad went in there once, when Joseph was gone. He was bored and feeling vaguely guilty for existing; he wanted to work out.

He got as far as resting his hand on a treadmill and suddenly had an urge to vomit so strong that he had to run away.

The next day, he’d gradually worked around to asking Joseph if, hypothetically, if Thad wanted to, which he doesn’t, if he could go for a run, just for fun, just to keep himself in shape or whatever, and if that would be terrible, or selfish, since he can’t be a vigilante like the rest of Flash’s little cadre.

Joseph said yes, of course Thad could go for a run, whenever he wanted to. He looked away from Thad as he signed, a mercy Thad didn’t realize he needed until it became a lifeline.

Joseph said, “You don’t have to put your powers to use as a hero, Thad. It’s okay to just let them out for fun.”

Thad had been silent a little too long. Joseph had added, “Go be a kid if you want to. Run around.”

So. Thad tried.

And failed.

The Flash is out there somewhere. The idea of running into him paralyzed Thad before he took a single step. All he could do was stand in the yard watching the frozen landscape and trying to let the world speed back up around him.

So. Thad is half happy, half unhappy, and he’s still useless.

Upstairs is mostly good, apart from Adeline’s study and the Green Room. Thad likes his room. He likes Joseph’s room, too, when Joseph is there. He feels safe with him. The upstairs hallways, though… well. They’re the maid May’s property, and Thad doesn’t really know what that means.

He’d met her on Monday. He tried to ignore her like he used to ignore the servants who occasionally invaded CRAYDL to bring parts for repair, but she’d said hello to him directly. Thad had frozen, recalculating, and then said hello back. She’d asked how he liked the mansion. He’d stayed silent for a moment, calculating. What did she mean by that? What did she want? What kind of power did she have here? She was a servant, so surely not much. But a trusted servant, so he has to be cautious.

Thad hates not having all the information so, so much. He feels like Bart.

Finally, he’d said, “Where I grew up, servants don’t talk like that.”

It was a gamble. If she was like CRAYDL, trusted and valued, almost a friend to Adeline, she could complain. Thad would be in trouble then.

May had stared at him for a moment.

“…Sorry to hear that,” she’d said. “Where did you grow up?”

Another question. Grife. How much was Thad allowed to tell her?

The maid added, “I know about everything Adeline does, so don’t worry about that. I tell you, the non-disclosure agreements I had to sign when I got this job… that was decades ago, but I still remember like it was yesterday!”

Oh, great. So she is like CRAYDL. That makes her approximately equal with Thad, power-wise. Thad recalculated his approach again. They’re going to have to establish a hierarchy here somehow. Better sooner than later.

He took a deep breath, wishing he had the armor of his Inertia costume.

“I’m from the future,” he’d said. “I’m the genetically engineered clone of Bartholomew Allen the Second, also known as Impulse, and I used to be what you might call a supervillain.”

He paused out of habit, waiting for the reaction.

“Nice to meet you,” May said. “Your name’s Thad, isn’t it?”

“Thad Thaw—”

Thad cut himself off. He wanted to throw up.

He found his cheeks hot, eyes averted—when did he break eye contact? When did he back up as if the maid could hurt him? He bit his lip savagely, then looked her in the eye and enunciated, “Sophos. Thaddeus. Anacletus. Free.”

The maid looked at him and her expression reminded him of Helen. It was—it was—it burned him. She said, “You’ll get used to it.”

And Thad fled.

On Tuesday morning, Thad opened the door of the Plum Room and found a plate of cookies on the floor. Instantly suspicious, he’d immediately gone and asked Joey what they were and who they were from.

“Just cookies, nothing bad,” Joey had signed. “From May, probably.”

“Why?”

Joey shrugged. “A housewarming gift?”

Thad scowled. “A what?”

“A welcome gift,” Joey had explained patiently.

A welcome gift.

As in, a gift from someone who belongs here, to someone who just joined, as a sign of peace and also a way to express the disparity in their resources. May is showing that she can afford to give him a gift.

Yeah, Thad is definitely second in this hierarchy.

He’s tentatively alright with how things are going with May, though. She doesn’t talk to him after that first time. When their paths cross, she just says hello and nods at him, and she doesn’t seem to expect anything of Thad in return.

After so long as a tool, it’s wonderful to not be expected to do anything.

Two more days left. Saturday and Sunday. And Saturday won’t be boring. Joseph is having some of his Titans friends over for “a get-together”. Strictly non-hero-work-related, Joseph assured Thad. Generously, Thad has agreed to let Joseph present him to his friends, even though they all know Wally West.

He won’t be expected to stay with Joseph’s friends long. All he has to do is go say hello and leave. It will be fine.

And then—on Monday—he’ll start college. His official excuse to get out of hero work.

Joseph’s fingers comb through Thad’s hair. Thad leans back into his hand with a sigh. It’s Friday night, and Joseph is braiding his hair before bed.

Joseph stops for a moment, then picks up the actual comb and gives Thad’s hair one last comb-through. He tugs gently, and Thad tilts his head back, giving Joseph access to the hair at his forehead.

This also gives Joseph access to Thad’s throat, of course. Thad thinks of that, head tilted back, eyes closed, feeling Joseph’s fingers tracing firm lines through his hair, gathering logical chunks of his hair for a braid. His throat is totally exposed. A month ago, Thad couldn’t have endured this. He’d have vibrated out of his skin rather than let anyone hold his head by the hair for a prolonged period of time.

Now… Thad thinks of it, and he is deeply, deeply disturbed that he fails to fear properly.

The pressure on his hair lulls him into a trance. He remembers being a very, very young clone rocking himself to sleep in the liquid of the nutrient womb, not even educated enough yet to know what he was instinctively mimicking—human connection.

With a start, Thad remembers his throat tipped up, exposed. He remembers to be afraid. He remembers that he can’t be fully afraid anymore. Not of Joseph, not all the time; he can’t keep it up. Fear, his only lifelong companion, which outlived even CRAYDL, comes and goes.

What is he, without his fear?

Thaddeus tries. He gathers fear in his chest, concentrates hard, feels his heartbeat in his throat.

He is afraid.

Joseph pushes Thad’s head forward so he can reach the hair at the back. Thad puts his chin down obediently. Then he remembers to be afraid.

Something is not right.

He’s happy.

Something isn’t right.

[talenlee]

A Useful Template For Street Food

Gunna talk about food? Not gunna have any pictures of it, but if you’d rather not hear me talk about fatty, greasy, convenient food, then it’s probably for the best you bounce here. I promise you’re not missing anything if you don’t want to hear about food. No great or deep insights. Sometimes when I write about world building I try to make sure I include some broader, more applicable points? Not here. This is going to be about food, techniques, and culture and if you think that’s interesting great, but if you don’t want to read about food for any reason, you’re not missing anything. And yes, this introductory paragraph is a bit bigger than I normally do for this kind of thing but I’ve learned that over on the Activitypub feed on the fediverse, this kind of introduction stops the article from just rolling into the body of the message.

We good?

You good?

Okay, now:

In any situation where you have populations of people moving together, how they feed themselves and one another becomes an immediate component of culture. Just ask people how folk around them commonly have dinner and you will be able to tease out from that answer all sorts of information about the culture that are non-obvious from the outside. Not just the idealised ‘proper’ way to have dinner, but the ways people actually live. America is a country where the ideal image of how people eat dinner is two parents and three kids at a dinner table saying grace around a table with a tablecloth that’s been ironed and pressed and the meal presents what the Food Pyramid says is right, which means based on last check, maybe three small bowls of pasta and a single bulb of garlic, but that’s not how Americans have dinner. There are a host of ways people have dinner, and some are uniquely American (the two dollar dinner from a place like McDonalds just not present in as many countries), and some are incredibly common.

Japanese offices move in packs to nearby restaurants to drink, with the boss, and eat, again, with the boss. The Donair of Germany was famously shaped by large groups of Turkish immigrants leaving work at the same time and bulk-ordering hot dinners to eat with one hand on the train. Convenience stores in Finland sell kebakko, which they can microwave on the spot, without ever having to talk to people about anything, which I don’t think says anything about the Finnish culture in and of itself, but it’s still pretty interesting.

You want to think about street food in your culture.

You want to think about social eating, about convenient eating, and you want to think about it in the context of people who want some small enjoyable thing, not people who are existing in a sluice trough of gruel. You’ve probably heard of Hoover Stew, which yes, was an extremely cheap meal for people during a period of great destitution, but believe it or not, Hoover Stew was considered a luxury, since it included some meat, and that added to the flavour of the macaroni and uh, water. When people eat things, they will find ways to make the eating of them more convenient and more enjoyable, even in weird ways. World War 2 rationing introduced a whole generation of the British to the kinds of ways you can flavour and stretch cheap food with home gardens, and the kinds of wild spices that existed in the ground around them.

But what in your world, what kind of process do you go through for the study of street food? Here’s my personal template for three street foods every culture makes their own version of:

Some variety of Convenient Soup. Staples, regularly available things, things that are hard to consume or digest by default, but not hard to obtain, which are then prepared over time in cheaply available water. Almost always, you will find people have made soups of things as a way to consume something they have a lot of, and used spices and other flavourants in soups to stretch them.

Some variety of Dumpling. It’s just a trend in the cultures I’ve sampled food from, but everyone it seems makes some meal that is ‘a quantity of food, wrapped in some variety of dough or bread, and then cooked, in some way.’ This does include a doner kebab, which I understand is culturally distinct from donair. If you can sample dumplings from a culture you’re not familiar with, you should, it’s always a good time.

Some variety of Protein on Carbs. This is where the American Sandwich (and the Korean street sandwich) lives. This is poutine. This is your Plantains and Eggs. This is the Halal Snack Pack. This is a food where each part is modestly inconvenient to prepare when you make one serving for one person but making enough for one more person is almost no effort, meaning it scales up really well for a street vendor.

These three foods can then be used to relate to one another in your culture. The example culture I want to point to is Orcs, as I treat them in Cobrin’Seil. Orcs in Cobrin’Seil consume bread, but don’t make their own much, because, to me, bread signifies an end point of a type of agrarian activity they don’t do. Orcs don’t grow large fields of wheat or rice and instead forage fruit and vegetables and supplement that food with hunting. Things that you can replant by just scattering seeds or burying things in the same location, that makes sense. They even have a term for that – it’s a common practice for Orcs to, when they pick fruit off a tree, take at least one piece of fruit and throw it away from the tree. This practice, known as Tomorrow’s Share, is a little misunderstood, but it has also served to make Orc territory full of fruits and vegetables.

An important thing to remember here is that the cooking techniques come out of the culture but then they endure as part of that culture. Orcs don’t have to hunt to know these techniques, but these techniques are a result of how Orc communities eat, and then, because they know how to make this kind of food, they shape their demands accordingly.

To me, the typical Orc carb is a potato. Farming wild potatoes doesn’t take a lot of complexity if it’s in a good spot. You can pull up some, and just leave others to regrow and they’ll be fine. Orcs also have a tradition of ‘clean dumps’ where unused parts of corpses, things you can’t use in time for them to rot, get burned and buried, which means Orc soil tends to be hearty, making growing things under that soil pretty easy.

A result is that Orcs like potatoes and happily consume them. Orcs with access to other cultures’ food? They’ll eat bread and rice and lentils and that’s all fine, that’s not remarkable at all. The thing they’d bring to a community is potato stuff, which includes roasting and stewing. Thick potato stew, where potatoes bulk out meat – as hunter communities, Orcs would already be experts in reducing stock out of bones, just to not waste things. They might even have a term for a potato stew that’s flavoured by bones and stock, as a sort of ‘ghost stew’ – the meat is in the flavour of the potatoes.

Then, if you’re roasting potatoes, the ‘dumpling’ for orcs is a kind of stuffed potato – roast a bunch of potatoes, punch a hole in them and stick something in it with some resistance, maybe a knot of meat. The whole thing is consumed in a hand like an apple, as the sauce and oil from that ‘bore’ soaks into it.

Finally, if we’re talking about Orcs who use animal fat to cook with, and potatoes to cook, the ‘carb base, protein on top?’ It seems pretty likely to be small/fingerling potatoes, you know, not worth the time to peel, available cheap, roasted on a hot metal pan, then smashed and oiled so they crisp up, and dump a bunch of Whatever Meaty Garbage Is Avaliable on top.

There, that’s just ideas that cook (hah) around ‘I don’t want Orcs to make bread,’ which, I am sure, any kind of bread expert will be able to correct me on! But the result is three types of street food that ‘feel Orc’ to me, and that you’ll see people in Cobrin’Seil making.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[ramblings-from-the-ether]

New Moves: Giovanni

Molly

Some ideas for potential ways Giovanni could learn to use his moves, as well as potential new moves and abilities he could learn in the future!

Oh, uh...there are...a lot more of these than I thought, huh?

Lavacid (Upgrade): By increasing the cohesion and stability of his Lavacid orbs, Giovanni can hit them with his bat for extra power, cause them to ricochet off surfaces, and have them function for all purposes as a solid object as long as it remains intact, giving an otherwise underwhelming attack a great amount of utility.

Demon Energy Aura (Upgrade): Giovanni can use his Demon Energy Aura to heat up his body or superheat an object he is touching, providing all sorts of utility.

Ancient Potion (Upgrade): On top of increasing the efficiency of healing and the number of uses per battle, Giovanni can imbue his Ancient Potion with additional effects, such as increasing the drinker's strength, speed, or toughness. As he learns moves such as Dragon's Breath and Chimeric Growth, he can even bestow their effects onto others through his potions.

Dragon's Breath: Giovanni exhales a pillar of scalding steam.

Acid Flask: The counterpart to Lava Grenade, Giovanni hurls a soup can that bursts into a puddle of boiling soup.

Lava Geyser: Giovanni conjures a puddle of bubbling soup that then bursts into a geyser; can be used as either an attack or a mobility option.

Demonic Forge: Giovanni can conjure objects, weapons, and armour made of solidified soup.

Demonic Power: By imbuing his epithet into himself, Giovanni can literally 'soup up' his own body, increasing his capabilities and/or passively healing him. He can even learn to imbue his epithet into weapons, machines, or his allies to give them such benefits.

Call of the Deep: Giovanni gains the ability to control soup, moving it, shaping it into weapons, and even boiling it. Eventually, this power extends to regular water, and can even turn clean water into soup. At its peak, this power can even extend to blood, allowing Giovanni to weaponise his injuries, heal wounds in an instant by turning blood into healing soup, and in desperate situations even bend the blood of his enemies.

Primordial Soup (Orbit Class Move): More or less an upgraded version of Giovanni's existing soup attacks, Giovanni can conjure a mote of primordial soup—either literally in the form of roiling magma or just really thick soup. Either way, this experimental and unstable primordial soup flies in wild trajectories and explodes violently on contact. As this power develops, Giovanni can learn to use it in other ways, creating charred pools of healing primordial soup, using its viscosity to stick things together as it cools, and even creating weapons and carapace out of it.

Cauldron of the Deep (Orbit Class Move): On a surface of clean water or soup, Giovanni can summon a glowing cauldron from which he can brew all manner of soupy foods and even Ancient Potions.

Chimeric Growth (Orbit Class Move): By summoning ingredients from different kinds of soup, Giovanni can take on characteristics and weapons from all manner of animals and plants, such as the aquatic adaptations of a fish, the talons and wings of a bird, tendrils made from noodles or vegetable stems, even weapons or carapace made from bones and plant matter.

Dark Power (Orbit Class Move): In a risky gambit, Giovanni can literally bring his blood to a boil. Only works when he can see his blood, and slowly drains his Stamina. While active, Giovanni's strength, speed, and toughness are drastically increased, the power and temperature of his soup-based moves are increased and their Stamina cost is greatly decreased, his body temperature becomes hot enough to burn enemies and objects, and the whirlwind of evaporated blood and soup surrounding him can scald enemies and even heal allies.

Final Phase (Nova Class Move): Giovanni turns his entire being into a whirling body of soup. In this form, he can shape himself in any number of ways, boil and superheat parts of his body, squeeze through gaps as a liquid, and even heal himself by absorbing water or soup.

[bloodybloob]

Fic idea! Wild discovers mortal cooking, promptly falls in love with it and surprises his brothers with a good meal!

Yes! An excuse to write about Wild cooking!

(Link to the au this is about here).

—

“Come on Sky, come ON!” Wild dragged the older god through their bedroom.

“Look Wild, I’m glad to see you’re doing decently good on your leg today and that your alive with energy, but what is it that is so important that you had to bodyslam me awake…?” Sky pouted as the shorter god pulled him through the cloud barrier.

“You’ll see!” Was his only answer. Externally, Sky merely hummed, internally, he wailed in tired agony.

Once they came through to the other side, he saw what he could only describe as a fancier and much larger version of a mortal’s kitchen, to suit their much larger size.

“Did you… ask Time to make you a kitchen…?” Sky asked with genuine confusion.

“That’s what we’ve been asking.” Sky turned and saw the the majority of the others gods situated on red pillows, a short table was between them.

Four, the one who had spoken, was sitting next to Wind, who was tapping the table in boredom, Warriors was also sat beside the Wind God. Twilight sat by himself while Hyrule and Legend whispered to each other on the opposite end of Warriors, Wind and Four.

“What-?”

“-Is going on?” Sky whipped his head around and saw Time. The elder god had just stepped into the room with a mildly confused face.

“Wild, I made this room twenty minutes ago, how did you already get everyone-“ Time was rudely interrupted as Wild pushed him and Sky towards the table.

“Sit!” Was all he said. Sky decided to humor the boy and sat down next to Hyrule while Time sat down next to Twilight.

The eldest god was close enough to where Sky could hear when Twilight leaned in and asked- “What mischief have you wrought this time?”

“He said he was experimenting, any of Wild’s ‘experimenting’ are better off here than down on Earth.” The old man responded.

“They’re done!” Wild squealed, gaining everyone’s attention. The scarred god pulled out a freshly baked tray of what looked like chocolate chip cookies.

“Woah! How did you make cookies that big?” Wind spoke with awe in his tone.

“My recipe, my secret.” Wild smirked as Wind let out a whine of disappointment.

“Better question, why did you make food? We’re gods, we don’t need food.” Legend said as he gestured to everyone around the table, them all being in their god forms made to accentuate his point.

“We’ll, it’s just… sometimes you bring mortal traditions you enjoy to us! I got curious and decided to poke around some and found out about cooking! I’m sure I was aware of it before all the amnesia but right now it fascinates me!

“I have a super hard time remembering stuff, but cooking is so easy that it doesn’t matter! There are mortal books and everything that helps me remember and learn new recipes, I even got one with extra pages to add my own notes on stuff so I don’t forget.”

Wild’s grin began to grow wider the longer he went on, getting more rushed and thorough in his explanation, not wanting a single detail of his experiences or thought process to be left out.

Sky smiled brightly. “We’ll come on then, we don’t want our cookies to grow cold.”

“Wild stared at him for a moment, before he beamed and scrambled forward with the tray. In the process he tripped over his bad leg and the cookies went flying through the cloud barrier.

“No! My cookies!” Wild looked absolutely distraught as he watched his cookies bounce into the barrier. Anything without direction in where it wanted to go in the cloud barrier would immediately vanish from existence, objects tended not to have any sort of will.

“Hey, it’s alright Wild we can help make you more.” Twilight reassured.

Wild sniffles and brought big, watery eyes up to the god. “Really?”

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head, we can all pitch in and learn cooking together!” Warriors crouched down beside the weepy god, ruffling his hair and earning a giggle.

“Sure can! Look I’ve already- OH SWEET SUGAR WATER!” Sky watched as Hyrule somehow managed to immediately set fire to the stove by trying to use magic to turn it on.

“HYRULE!” The others moved forward and tried to use all of their abilities at once to douse the flames, which only made it worse.

“God save us.” Time muttered beside Sky.

The dirty blonde narrowed his eyes at the old man. “You ARE God.”

Time sighed. “I know, and I am currently choosing to ignore that fact.”

—

This was just a fun little thing I whipped up, hope you liked it anon! I tried to give everyone a chance to speak here, wanted them all to be included! (I think I forgot to post this, whoops!)

[freeflowersofmuseums]

General FF Headcannons

AN: Part 2 &3 of Bar Boyfriends are coming out sometime tomorrow or the day after that. Sorry it took so long i got sick. in the meantime heres some general head cannons i have to make the would of food fantasy make more sense. 

Not all food souls can be summoned. Sometimes you have to physically find them and forge a contract with them.  Some souls do this because they simply want to be left alone or they want only worthy master attendants to find them.

Only a small percentage of all food souls have been discovered there are an estimated  400-800 food souls who haven’t shown up on records yet, but it’s thought they will eventually show up over time.

Only one version of a food soul can exist at any given time. (even though this has been canonically disproven it just feels weird to me that Milk can meet another Milk. Like what? Imagine meeting another version of yourself.) 

The skills you use during combat like those of Healing, Damage, and Control skills are magic and only the master attendant can use this kind of magic. This headcanon helps make actual battles make more sense story-wise.

Most people aren’t born with magic and sense summoning food souls requires magic not everyone can become a master attendant. In fact, less than 1% of people are born with any sort of magic skill

 And even then, people who have magic can differ in strength. Some weaker master attendants will only ever summon 5-10 food souls in their lifetime. This is what makes the MC (you) so special. Unlike some other master attendants, your magic is naturally strong which allows you to summon as many food souls as you want.

Being a master attendant isn’t a real job. And while the chefs guild may pay you money it’s only a small fraction of what you earn at your restaurant, which is your main way to earn money and live.

You live in a giant mansion where all of your food souls live. (think of it as a giant dormitory). Whether it was given to you by someone or was commissioned by the chefs guild is completely up to you. But it had enough room to house all of your food souls and then some. (Personally, I just use this as an excuse to have all my food souls in one place. Think of this as a physical representation of the SOULS tab in-game)

Since only less than 1% of the world actually has magic, laws, and rules around being a master attendant aren’t fully established and it’s pretty much a wild west. Although there are some unsaid laws within the master attendant community about food souls. (Don’t cause them any harm on purpose whether it be mental or physical, Don’t ask them to do the impossible, etc.)

 While its not outright said that you CANT do it, falling in love with a food soul is at least seen as a little strange in modern society.

[ushijimas-koibito]

request no.3

kuroo, daichi, and ushijima with a s/o who's super clingy and affectionate and basically screams pastel, and then one day they get invited to a really fancy ball or something and s/o's basically the embodiment of "boss b**ch by doja cat" ??? - @why-am-i-here-please-help-me

i was so excited to see this. this is fantastic.

i’ll do my best.

this was my first time taking on a request of this size. i'm sorry it has taken so long. i apologize for any and all tense continuity errors.

please enjoy.

warnings: femme reader/fluff/suggestive content/some cursing

daichi sawamura- summer

the warm midday sun shone on your face. you closed your eyes and leaned your head back and your hair cascaded over your exposed shoulders and down your back tickling your skin. a warm breeze enveloped your skin and you smiled to yourself, enjoying this last summer day. your phone buzzes in your pocket, be there soon, beautiful. practice ran late. your boyfriend, daichi sawamura, was usually pretty punctual but this was the last morning practice of the summer. you could just imagine hinata and kageyama begging for five, ten, fifteen more minutes. you were impressed with their devotion and the team’s stamina.

you sat crosslegged on the low stone wall. you leaned back to soak up the sun. on the wind you could smell the scent of street food wafting toward you. you and daichi decided it might be fun to go to the outdoor market and then have a picnic in the park. you tilted your head to each side stretching your neck and leaning your hands back on the wall. you were so happy to have a relaxing summer day before the chaos of the fall begins. “hello there, beautiful.” you hear daichi’s warm voice ring out as he approaches you, sugawara and asahi in tow. “hey handsome!” he jogs up to you and you lean forward to give him a kiss. he brushes your wind-tousled hair away from your face and his hand drops to your waist to pull you forward. you giggle as he smiles against your lips. “you guys are so cute.” you hear suga say and you pull away to smile at your friends. daichi sighs, hating that the kiss ended so quickly, and pulls back.

daichi offers a hand to help you from the wall. “aw, thanks, suga!” daichi continues to hold your hand, “are you guys coming along with us?” you look between suga and asahi as daichi drapes his arm over your shoulders and kisses your temple. “ah, not this time,” asahi says looking away with a faint blush, “wouldn’t wanna impose..” sugawara laughs, “besides we’re just here to grab some things for tonight.” you look at daichi and then back to sugawara, “tonight? what’s tonight?” sugawara narrows his eyes at daichi, “you didn’t tell her?” daichi sighs, “ukai rented this place out for us tonight for an end of summer party.” he looks down and then up at you, “would you be interested in going?” you wrap your arm around his waist and smile, “sure! sounds fun!” sugawara smiles at you both, “see. i told you she’d want to come.” daichi chuckles, “i’m sorry i didn’t ask you before, but there won’t be many other girls there and i didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” you gave him a squeeze, “i got you.. is kiyoko going?” daichi nodded, “i think so, yachi too.” you look to the other guys, “are you guys going?” asahi and suga both nod, “then it should be fun!” daichi beams and gives you another kiss on the head. sugawara gives asahi’s shirt a tug and starts to walk off, “well, you kids enjoy your date and we will see you tonight!” you and daichi wave as asahi and sugawara walk toward the market. “see ya tonight!” he calls after them.

you turn to face daichi and he smiles sheepishly, “alright, what’s the real reason you didn’t ask me?” daichi laughs, “you just can’t be fooled can you,” he looks down at his feet before taking a big breath and saying, “it’s a dance party.” you cross your arms, “ok. and..?” he leans against the wall and pulls you closer to him to stand between his legs, “… and do you know how jealous i would be if you were the only girl there to dance with the whole team?” you laugh and place a hand on his chest, “daichi, come on, you know you’re the only one i wanna dance with and not one of those boys would be interested in dancing with me anyway,” he rolls his eyes, “now you know that’s not true,” he takes your hand and spins you around, “just look at you!” he pulls you close by the loops of your jean shorts and kisses your lips. he curls his middle finger through the loops on your hips and squeezes your hips between his palms, digging his fingertips into you. “daichi..” you say softly and turn your head to look around, he drops his head and chuckles, “sorry,” he says turning to look in the opposite direction, “what can i say, angel,” he looks up at you, “you carry me away.” you kiss his his forehead and then pull him up from the stone wall he was leaning against. “lead the way, i’m going to text the girls and see what we’re wearing,” daichi grabs your other hand and leads you toward the market as you type to the group chat:

perfect. you think as you piece the outfit together in your mind. daichi looks back at you, “uh oh…” he gives your hand a little squeeze, “whenever you get that look, it usually means i’m in trouble.” he raises an eyebrow. “i don’t know what you mean,” you say innocently. he laughs heartily and nudges you with his shoulder, “riiiight.”

you two walked through the market and gathered up some fruit, veggies, street snacks, and pastries for a picnic. you walked up to a flower stall and sniffed some huge blossoms. “aren’t these pretty, daichi?” he looked you over and his eyes lingered on your face, “beautiful.” he said softly, watching you with admiration. “we’ll take a bouquet, please.” he said to the stall keeper and gestured toward the flowers you were smelling. “aw, daichi, you don’t have to..” he waved his hand, “it’s my pleasure.” the shopkeeper wrapped a bouquet of big orange and red blooms into some newspaper, arranging them with other flowers and greenery, and tied it with twine. daichi paid for them and then handed them to you, “beautiful flowers for my beautiful girl.” he always knew exactly what to do and say to make you smile. “thank you, daichi.” he intertwined his fingers with yours, “of course.”

you two walk together with your haul of treats to the park and spread out a blanket near a tree. you set up the meal and take turns trying each others food and feeding each other. by the end of the meal you end up sprawling out next to each other on the blanket picking out shapes in the clouds, “i swear, (y/n), it looks like an elephant,” daichi points at a big fluffy cloud over head, “ok.. more like an animal cracker version of an elephant but an elephant nonetheless.” you giggle and roll on to your side. you prop yourself up on your elbow and take one of the blooms from your bouquet that loosed itself to trace the curves of daichi’s face. he smiles and closes his eyes, tilting his face toward the sun and allowing his hand to absentmindedly mimic your patterns with his fingertips against your thigh.

you watched as the petals delicately brushed his face. his high cheekbones, the delicate slope of his nose, the short, straight lines of his jaw; the soft and slightly tanned skin, his full pink lips.. daichi was sort of beautiful. he wasn’t an imposing beauty like a statue or a demigod, but he was beautiful in a homey sort of way. daichi was the physical embodiment of a feeling. he was honey in your tea, being taken care of when you’re sick, a homemade meal, the feeling of falling into bed after a long day, walking into an air-conditioned room when it’s sweltering outside, drinking ice cold water after working out, hot water on cold skin. daichi was stable, nurturing, and… good. he was the closest thing to pure good you’d ever known in this world. you were lucky to know him, let alone have the pleasure of loving him.

he opened his eyes and looked at you for a long moment, “i can’t tell you how many times i wished this day would last forever,” he rolled on his side and propped himself up on his arm and scooted so that he was nose to nose with you, “but then i remember there are so many days ahead of us, new things, days like today, and better, or worse, but i get them all, and i get them all with you.” he kissed the tip of your nose and played with the frayed cuffs of your jean shorts, “well, i must be the luckiest guy in the world.” he leans over and playfully pushes you back so that he’s hovering over you. there could be a million people staring at you in that park, but you wouldn’t notice. the whole world that existed in that moment lived in the 5 centimeters between your lips.

after some playful kisses, you cleaned up your mess and started the trek home. the sun was hanging low in the sky and you could hear the cicadas sing. every day was a good day with daichi, but this day made you feel so soft and warm. you were reminded of the simple joy of being in love and you felt full and content. you found yourself getting more and more excited for the party. and a dance party no less. the more the sun sank heavy in the sky and the day faded into a hot summer night, the closer you were to being able to let loose and get a little wild with the man of your dreams.

you and daichi were seen as the responsible, mom and dad type couple in your friend group. the team would be more likely to ask you to help with homework or build a budget before asking you to party. it was probably better that the kids didn’t know what went on behind closed doors. they all look up to daichi and see him as the reserved and respectable face of kurasano, but you knew a different side to him; a side you were looking forward to partying with tonight. it was the last night of summer, it was a night the entire team agreed to just let loose and have fun.

you rounded the corner of your street and daichi walked you to your door. “so i’ll be back here in a little while to pick you up, okay?” you nodded and daichi leaned in for a kiss. you playfully pulled away and leaned against the wall with a come-hither grin. daichi bit his lip and placed a hand against the wall just beside your head. he put his other hand on the side of your face and pushed your face gently to the side to expose your neck. he hovered a moment, just over your skin and you could hear him laugh softly before planting the lightest teasing kisses up your neck as he curled his fingers into your hair at the nape of your neck. he slowly pulled back and nibbled at his bottom lip with narrowed eyes, “i look forward to seeing what you’ll be wearing tonight.” his dark eyes had a glint of mischief in them. “i look forward to dancing with you tonight.” you said as you ran your hands from his chest to his hips and pulled him forward against you, “i’m sure it will be a lot of fun,” he said with a strained air of composure. he pressed his lips against yours; gently at first and then firmly before pulling away. “better go get ready or we’ll never leave,” you both laugh and share a few more kisses, “alright, alright,” you say fiddling with your house key, “see you in a bit, handsome.” he smiles and waits at the gate for you to unlock your door, “lookin’ forward to it, beautiful.” you wave at each other and watch as he walks up the lane to his house.

you dash inside to start your ritual. there is so much you need to get done before you go! you pop the flowers in some water and run to your bedroom. you pull the cute two-piece from your closet and hang it up next to your mirror, shoesssss.., you dig around in your closet and find some cute, strappy heels. the two piece set is made of a lovely silk blend. its a soft material that fades from a peachy orange to a bright red like a tropical sunset. the back of the top piece criss-crosses across your back with gold chains that highlight your strong shoulders and waist. the skirt is made of a matching material that is very short with a split up the side held together with criss-crossed chains. you pull out your makeup and other self-care supplies.

in the group chat, kiyoko and yachi are also going through their pre-party routine; discussing the virtues of flats versus heels, matte versus gloss, and how the heck yachi is going to get tadashi’s attention! you slap your phone on the charger and turn on some music. you shower, shave, brush teeth, and put on a face mask. you try to relax as you rub illuminating moisturizer on your legs. after your face mask, you pop on your makeup- brows, perfect eyeliner, highlighter, red lips, coral blush, even a lash. you look at your hair and opt for your natural texture. you flip your hair over to shake some volume in and part it on the side. you slide on your heels and before heading out you snip one of the big blooms and tuck it behind your ear. you look in the mirror and smile, i hope daichi likes it. and right on cue you hear him knock on the door.

you open the door and he turns to see you just as you open the door and meet his eyes. his eyes illuminate and his lips widen into a bright smile, “hello gorgeous,” he says as he steps toward you to give you a careful kiss, mindful not to ruin your makeup, “you look amazing,” he says as he holds out your arms to get a better look at you. you blush as his eyes hungrily take you in. “holy shit, girl!” you hear tanaka’s loud voice from the gate, “no freakin way that’s (y/n)!!!” nishinoya exclaims. “you look gooooooooood, for real, for real! daichi-man you been holdin out on us, captain??!!” tanaka whistles. you giggle as you can see daichi’s blood pressure raise. “it’s me!” you say and then give a little twirl, “you guys aren’t the only ones to clean up nice,” you wink and look at daichi who seems to be forever in awe of you when you interact with the rest of the team. he offers you his arm, “ready, gorgeous?” you take his arm and you all head out.

you meet up with a few others that live in the neighborhood and you all laugh and goof off all the way to the venue. it’s one of those moments that feels more like a movie than real life. you are so happy and your heart is so full. for a moment you lose yourself to the energy of the night when daichi stops you. the others walk on and he wraps you in his arms, “you are truly the most beautiful person i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and i mean that. inside and out.” he pulls away to look you over once more and there in the heat of the night, music blaring in the distance, in this quiet moment, you feel it must be true.

kuroo tetsurō - winter

“good morning, sleepyhead,” you heard your boyfriend’s raspy voice as you opened your eyes. you looked toward the window and saw the sky was still very dark. you groaned softly and pulled a pillow over your face. tetsurou laughed and rolled over onto his side, propping himself up and pulling the pillow away from your face. he slipped his long fingers under his shirt you were wearing and stroked your waist, “c’mon, precious, it won’t be any easier if you continue to lay here.” his head lulled to the side to make sure he was making eye contact with you. his hazel eyes bright and alert. you smiled up at him and wrapped your arm around his waist and grabbed the pillow he pulled off your face and sweetly, sleepily said, “no.” you smashed the pillow against his face and buried your face into the one below underneath you. “alright,” he said through his smug smile. he tossed the pillow you smashed in his face onto the floor and straddled your waist, “if we don’t get up, we’ll miss it.” you looked up at the ever agile tetsu as he leaned his hands on the headboard. your eyes trailed from his low hanging pj pants, up his abdomen, his chest, his sly smile, and finally his eyes. you smiled and pulled him down on top of you, “weighted blanket. can’t go. too comfy.” you felt him laugh against you as you wrapped your arms tighter around his neck, pulling his torso against yours. “baby,” he began seriously, “who knows when we’ll get this chance again.” you loosened your hands so you could look at his face. tetsu looked at you with eyes yearning and burning into your own, “fine,” you whispered with a pout. tetsu rolled back onto his knees and offered his arm to help you up. you wrap your arms around his arm and hang for a moment with a little whine. he laughs, “what a sleepy girl,” he purrs, “i promise it will be worth it. now let’s get dressed and go get coffee!” he stands up and pulls you up to your feet. “…coffee?” you say after a pause looking up at him with hopeful eyes, “yes,” he says while patting the top of your head, “your morning dose of trimethylxanthine, my pet.” you giggle mischievously and bound toward the closet. he shakes his head and watches you pounce around getting dressed.

this morning was special because it was a solar eclipse. tetsu had planned on going to watch it with you since he heard there would be one. he always tried to watch heavenly phenomenon and since you started dating, he always wanted to watch them with you. he would excitedly talk about how it was his “once in a lifetime moment” with his “once in a lifetime girl” and how he “may never get another chance.” he would talk excitedly about how each eclipse was an opportunity to feel the weight of being and to take a moment to appreciate the incredible mysteries of being suspended on a rock in a far corner of a vast universe and that our significance on a universal, global, even national scale was insignificant, but within the minutia, the significance of our being in the moment we become aware, was as close to infinity as we will ever get. tetsu liked to be reminded of his mortality and the balance of his own existence; physically and metaphysically. you were always so impressed by how much he knows and he continues to learn all the time. you are continually inspired by the depth of his gratitude; although it is buried under a surface level of nihilism.

“hey babe,” you called from the bathroom curling your hair, “what’s the weather going to be today?” tetsu rounded the corner into the bathroom while reading his phone, “looks like it might snow later, so, bundle up and don’t forget to pack a jacket.” he plants a kiss on your shoulder and studies you in the mirror, “i don’t want you to get sick.” he walked back into the bedroom and pulled out your bags. that’s right, you thought, today isn’t just a quick trip to watch the solar eclipse. after you both get coffee and watch the solar eclipse, you were headed into the city to stay for the weekend. kuroo’s friend, tsukki and his girlfriend, had invited you both to a winter soiree at the planetarium that night. it was supposed to be a celebration of the new planetarium building and it’s new design features and exhibits. you both were looking forward to this since they invited you.

you shook out your curls and made your way over to the closet. tetsurō was carefully folding his clothes in his suitcase and checking off the list on his phone; tetsurō is calculated and organized. he looks up from his list and asks, “what color is your dress for tonight? i want to make sure my suit matches.” you grab the garment bag from your closet. you have been keeping this dress a surprise since you ordered it and the suspense was killing him. you hadn’t given him any details, as to not ruin it, but he always tried to work around the surprise. he hadn’t been successful until now, “dark blue,” you say with a sigh and he smiled blithely, “good to know,” he nods and thumbs through his suits. he pulls two- a soft cornflower blue day suit and a dark sapphire blue evening suit the exact color of your dress, “which of these is closer?” he tries to muster an innocent smile, “don’t look at me like that, i’m just trying to make sure i compliment you.” his smirk says otherwise. you roll your eyes and say, “the dark blue,” he hangs the light blue suit up, “you finally got a hint.” he nods, “yes, but i won’t be satisfied until i can see you in it.” he zips the dark blue suit into a garment bag with his undershirt, belt, and a small bag with cuff links, watch, and tie clip. tetsurō secretly loves to get dressed up, especially if he can do it with you.

you packed your bits and bobs and started to get dressed for the day. you stood in your underclothes in front of your closet and shifted back and forth, holding up a few sweaters. you turned to see tetsurō who stopped midway putting on his sweater to admire you. you blushed softly, “what?” you asked and he chuckled, pulling his soft black sweater over his head, “nothing,” he walks over to you and looks in the full length mirror, “i just like observing you,” he kisses the top of your head, “the white sweater is my favorite of the two,” he walks nonchalantly toward the bathroom, continuing packing his list. you hold up the white sweater again and look in the mirror. you decide to go with it. you pull on the form fitting white sweater, some high-waisted tight black trousers, and some tall black riding boots. you slip in some dainty earrings and go to put on your necklace. it was a necklace tetsurō gave you for your birthday. it was a silver pendant with a diamond that looked like the north star. you remember him giving it to you and when you asked why the north star he said, “because when i am with you i never worry about feeling lost; you always lead me home.” he was always very thoughtful in his gifts and gestures. he never put unnecessary weight or emphasis on things. everything he does is intentional and purposeful; for someone who sometimes feels as though nothing matters in the vast expanse of time and space, he sure added a lot of sentiment and meaning to life. that’s one of the many things you love about him.

you fiddled with your necklace while being lost in thought when you feel his hands gently stroke your hair to the side and take the clasp from your fingers. he quickly and deftly latches the necklace and kisses the top of your head. tetsurō gives your shoulders a squeeze and walks back over to the suitcase to pack his toiletries. you spritz your perfume and also pack your toiletry bag, “almost ready, my love?” tetsurō calls from the bathroom. “yeah! just need to throw my toothbrush in my bag and we’re good.” you gather your last bits and slip on your long, oversized gray peacoat and grab your big fluffy scarf. “i can’t believe you still have that thing,” he gestures to the scarf. you look down at the wide and well-worn nekoma scarf. you had it made back in the day, when you both were in high school. it was a blanket scarf that was dark red and had tetsurō's name and jersey number on it, “well, it’s still my favorite.” this still made him smile; after all this time, you held onto it. every year he razzes you for keeping it and every year you tell him it’s still your favorite. he walked up to you and wrapped it around you and pulled you in for a kiss, “glad to know i’m still your favorite.” he kisses your nose and playfully wraps the scarf around your head. you paw him away and fix your scarf with a huff. he laughs and pats his pockets making sure he had everything.

you put your bags in the car and head out. it was still dark out and very cold. you make your way to a cafe and you are thankful for the blast of warm air as you walk in. the girls behind the counter gawk at tetsu who is walking behind you and rubbing the tops of your arms to warm you up. you step in line and you each study the menu before stepping up to the register, “cafe au lait for me and—,” he looks down at you prompting you to place your order, “a peppermint mocha, please,” you say. after paying up you stand by the pick up window and wait for your drinks. tetsurō drapes an arm over your shoulders while scrolling through his phone. “we should arrive at the hill in prime time to see the eclipse,” he was visibly buzzing with excitement. whenever he experienced any wave of positive emotion he reached for you. you think he did this in hopes to boost your mood through osmosis.

your drinks arrived and tetsurō gathered them for you. he made sure your lid was on tight and handed it to you, “careful it’s extra hot.” you took it in both of your hands. tetsurō grabbed some extra napkins and tucked them in his pockets and went through his ritual of patting his pockets making sure everything was in order. he turned to you and adjusted your scarf for you, “ready, precious?” you nodded sipping your very hot peppermint mocha. the girls still swooning nearly caused themselves a pulmonary embolism as he opened the door for you. to be fair, you guys are pretty cute..

with an extra spring in his step, tetsu led the way to the hill where you’d watch the solar eclipse. it was in a park near the water and was perfect for this occasion. he looked up at the sky and his hazel eyes seemed to threaten the clotted clouds in the sky. they kept their distance as you made the trek to the apex of the hill. you both manage to find an empty bench. the park seemed to be more full than tetsurō anticipated. this was bittersweet as he had hoped to have a solitary, intimate moment with you, however, he was very excited that others were interested in this event. you cozied into his side and sipped on your mocha. he draped an arm across the back of the bench and you enjoyed the sunrise. the solar eclipse would be happening just shortly after. “this is pretty special because a total solar eclipse only happens every couple years.” tetsurō swirled his cup of coffee, “the longest solar eclipse can occur for almost 8 minutes. i wonder what the universe will give us today.” he stared out at the horizon as you studied his face. his sharp, defined jaw; his upturned nose, his fierce eyes, the slight depression of his dimple likely formed from his near constant smirk. the wind ruffled his messy bedhead that always seemed to be perfect, no matter how he complained about and fought with it.

the sun made its way over the horizon and just as it ignited the sky it began to disappear before your very eyes. the sun became completely consumed, “‘totality occurs when the moon completely obscures sun so only the solar corona is showing,’” tetsurō said with a holy reverence, his eyes glued to the sky and taking everything in. this was his sacred place; his church. you felt honored that he would want to share this with you. you slipped your hand into his and intertwined your fingers. he tightened his hand around yours and he was on the edge of his seat, he was so happy- this made you happy. after a few minutes, you watched the sun reveal itself. tetsurō watched with the adoration of a groom unveiling his bride. he pulled his eyes away just as the sun came back to light and illuminated your face, “thank you so much for sharing this with me, precious,” he leaned his head against the top of yours and loosed your hand to wrap you in an embrace. you began to understand, over the years the more he shared with you the more you would come to know. moments like this were so special and you would treasure them always.

after watching the sunrise, you and tetsurō made your road trip to the city, stopped for some food, and checked into your hotel. you spend some time in the room compiling lists of landmarks and shops you want to go in while you are visiting. the list consists of bookshops, the natural history museum, and a bar that has a rotating rooftop area with a skylit cieling. it was nice to get away for a few days and have some time to go exploring together and see what you can find. you both lounge in bed and eat some ice lollies you picked up from the convenience store. it might be snowing outside but that was a delicious moment of sadism you both loved to indulge in. it was an act of rebellion, a decadent protest to not be anchored to the proprietary demands of the seasons; tetsurō reveled in the idea of contributing to chaos and throwing of the supposed algorithm of fate. you just wanted to eat ice lollies and listen to him talk about physics. it was a win-win.

time passed and it was approaching time for the event. you grabbed your makeup bag and your garment bag and headed to the bathroom, “no peeking.” you said with a sharp look toward tetsu; who threw up his hands with a laugh, “wouldn’t dream of it, precious.” you locked the door just in case. you unzipped the bag to reveal the dress. it was a floor length sapphire blue silk dress with two slits over each leg that started at the hip. it had an overlay of a darker blue with star and moon embellishments made of swarovski crystals. the dress was cut low into a deep v-neck that nearly showed your belly button. the sleeves were off the shoulder and long to point to a v with loops that went over your middle fingers on each hand like a renaissance painting. you also had a silver and sapphire body chain that highlighted your breast and torso to wear under the dress as well as matching garters that clipped with embellished silver moon hosiery clips. your shoes were a sapphire velvet with a heel. you wore your hair in a low bun with loose curls that framed your face. you tucked pins in your hair with matching crystal stars. your makeup was fairly simple with a lovely pale wine lip, big soft lashes, and lots of glittery shimmer over your shoulders, chest, and cheekbones. you finished getting ready and put your long coat on to cover your dress. you wanted your big reveal to be at the planetarium. you walked out in your coat and scarf with a mischievous grin. “oh, come on, that’s just ridiculous.” tetsurō grimaced. he looked sharp in his fitted dark blue suit. “this is all part of my grand plan, tetsu, trust me.” he rolled his eyes with a smirk, “if you insist.” he kissed your forehead and you left for the planetarium.

when you got there you were welcomed by tsukki and his girlfriend, “thanks for coming,” he said as he greeted you and tetsurō, “of course, thanks for inviting us.” you walk in and wait for the coat check. tsukki and tetsurō were catching up as you and tsukki’s girlfriend chatted and waited together. “look kuroo,” tsukki pointed into the next room, “is that..?” they waved at another acquaintance. “tetsurō, give me your coat and go say hello, we’ll catch up in a sec.” he handed you his coat with a kiss and slipped away to go say hello. perfect, you thought. this would give you an opportunity for a grand reveal. tsukki’s girlfriend turned in her coat and walked away to catch up with the boys; per your request. you slipped off your coat and readied yourself for his reaction. the main exhibit area had an interactive ceiling that reflected the night’s sky giving a detailed look at star and planetary placement. the room was illuminated in a wash of blue light and you entered the room.

at that moment, tetsurō turned to see you enter. his jaw fell slack and his eyes sparkled. you walked up to him, “like it?” he gave you a twirl, “very much,” he pulled you in close to him looking you over and taking in every detail, “worth the wait?” you asked in a whisper. he nodded, speechless as he ran his finger beneath the chain of your jewelry on your chest, “you are absolutely stunning.” tetsu takes your hand and gives you another spin. he drapes an arm delicately across the small of your back leading you around the exhibit.

he is oddly quiet and you catch him staring at you for a long moment, “what is it?” you tilt your head and wait as he searches for the words. you both walk to a quiet corner as the main exhibit begins its premier, illuminating the ceiling. “i finally understand the depth of what carl sagan was saying, ‘the nitrogen in our dna, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars.’ it’s about so much more than our actual biology. there is a radiance of epic proportions that emanates from your soul,” he looks down at you and strokes your cheek, “‘the cosmos is within us. we are made of star-stuff. we are a way for the universe to know itself,’ and i am so fortunate that out of all the possibilities, of all the probabilities in this life, i found you and i get to keep you. this small infinity between us; full of potential. i have found my once in a lifetime girl and the once in a lifetime opportunity to make you infinitely happy.” you squeezed his hand as you shared a soft, tender kiss. a once in a lifetime man with his once in a lifetime girl; a cosmic, supernatural phenomenon all your own in your little shared infinity between two finite beings.

nature is beautiful.

ushijima wakatoshi- fall

“what do you mean you’ve never seen ‘blair witch’?” you turn to look at your boyfriend, ushijima wakatoshi, who is staring back at you with wide eyes, “pumpkin, you know i haven’t seen most movies, let alone most horror movies.” your mouth pops open in awe, “but it’s a classic.” he shrugs and goes back to filling the bowls with candy for trick-or-treaters. wakatoshi didn’t really have the opportunity to participate in most holidays like the average person because of his insane schedule, however, this halloween was on a saturday and he was dating you, the scream queen herself. you sat cross-legged in front of your dvd collection, your horror collection spread out in front of you. your apartment was decorated magnificently with tons of old school and DIY decorations you convinced ushijima to do with you. your marshmallow candles flickered and filled the room with the scent of s’mores and you looked over the coffee table set up with small pumpkins and carving supplies. it was a perfect halloween- spooky clouds, chilly breeze, and a whole day free with wakatoshi in your matching pajamas.

he plopped down on the couch with one of the candy bowls. you popped in the dvd and scrambled up beside him with a chunky knit blanket. “i think you’re really going to like it, toshi. this will get us in the mood for tonight for sure!” wakatoshi kept an eye on the tv while cutting the tops off your pumpkins. he handed you a spoon and you both dug in to start getting the seeds and guts out. “how are you going to decorate yours, toshi?” he looked for a long moment studying the surface of his pumpkin. you imagined this is the exact face michelangelo made looking up at the ceiling of the sistine chapel. he looked sideways at you, “it’s a surprise.” you chuckled and shook your head. he held his pumpkin and turned it over in his hands. he leaned into the couch and stretched his long legs out in front of him crossing his feet at the ankles. you smiled seeing he was wearing the fall pun socks you got for him, “i’m so corny” with little ears of corn all over them. you never thought of wakatoshi to be the type to enjoy goofy, simple things but he ate it up. he loved your silly puns, your makeshift decorations, and your spirit. anything that made you smile, he was down to try.

you paused your pumpkin carving to sip on the hot apple cider you both made. it was the first time either of you had made cider and it was an event. the easy part was wandering around the market, picking out the apples and spices, and walking home through the leaf ladened park. making the cider was a lot more difficult than you thought and you sort of regretted promising jugs of apple cider to your friends. however, the vision of wakatoshi using the cider press would linger deliciously in your mind for days to come. as you sipped your cider, you recalled his serious brow furrowing as he strained against the old-school press, open flannel shirt, and windblown hair; absolutely worth every bit of frustration. the memory made the flavor more decadent. “how is it?” he asked. “delightful,” you said with a soft smile.

you picked up your pumpkin once more. you had chosen a classic smiling jack-o-lantern face for your pumpkin. it was befitting the rest of your home’s motif. you peeked over at his and smiled seeing the silhouette of his favorite childhood character with it’s round body and puffy gloves. he was concentrating while also trying to pay attention to the movie. he would occasionally blow his hair out of his eyes and wipe his brow with the back of his hand; it was like you were kids again.

your phone buzzed next to you, it was from tendou.

“you excited for tonight?” you smiled

“absolutely! what are you going as?”

“i think i’m going to be pennywise! what about you and ushi?”

you tapped your finger against your chin before sending your message.

“it’s a surprise ;)”

you could feel his frustration through the phone.

“who’s that?” wakatoshi said as he nodded his head towards your phone. “tendou. he wants to know what our costumes are tonight.” ushijima sat up straight and looked at you very seriously, “you didn’t tell him did you?!” he exclaimed. you laughed softly, “no, no, i told him it was a surprise.” he relaxed, “excellent; i want them all to be surprised.” he smirked as he continued to whittle his pumpkin.

you and wakatoshi had planned an epic couples costume that was sure to shock everyone. the two of you were so wholesome and reserved that you really wanted to blow everyone’s socks off. you looked over your shoulder and admired your carefully curated costumes. you smiled to yourself knowing that everyone was probably expecting you to show up as something cutesy and sweet, but these costumes… THESE costumes… surprising.

after watching a few films, finishing your pumpkins, and eating your weight in pizza and candy; it was time to get dressed. wakatoshi eyed the skimpy material skeptically, “c’mon, toshi, it will be amazing! trust me!” you scamper off with your costume and get ready. you do your hair and your makeup following a tutorial entitled “victoria’s secret bombshell glow”. you felt like a glowing bombshell for sure. you fixed your top hat to your big curls and wrestled with the glitter and eyelashes and squeezed into the tiny gold spandex shorts and finally turned around… you started at your feet and the glittering, sky high booties, up to your fishnets, tiny gold shorts, exposed abs, the gold and black lingerie push up bra, little red silk jacket with black lapels and gold ornate designs, big bouncy curls and top hat with gold band and veil… you felt hooooot.

wakatoshi knocked on the door, “i think i need a little help, (y/n).” he opened the door and was wrestling with the arm bands of the singlet for his strongman costume. his exposed chest, abs and shoulders were oiled with body shimmer oil. he looked like adonis. his eyes fell on you. he was speechless in a whole new way. “(y/n)-..” he trailed off, his fake vintage mustache falling into your hands. “like it?” you asked twirling around in a cloud of glitter and hairspray. “y-yes.. very much.” he said quietly. he was entranced. “let’s take a picture, toshi!” you pushed his mustache to his upper lip and he caught you by the arm. your breath caught in your throat as you looked into his eyes. “t-toshi?” you said softly, blushing. “trick or teat, (y/n).” he pressed his lips firmly into yours and pulled you close. as you pulled away, his serious face melted and he started to laugh- his mustache had stuck to your upper lip. he grabbed his phone and said, “smile, pumpkin. it’s going to be a wild night.” you posed seductively as ushijima flexed for the photo and he sent it to the team. your phone started to blow up and you both laughed, reading the reactions of your friends.

[meichenxi]

Hi!! I'm a college student about to graduate and my dream is to teach English in China and I was wondering if you could somehow help me and give me some advice. I have been studying Chinese during my years at university (and I love your blog!), along with my physics degree. I don't know if any of this is relevant but my level of Mandarin is not very high (HSK3), I study in the UK and I'm planning to get a TEFL 120 hour certification in June. Is this a solid plan? Love your blog, Isa

Hiii! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I have my final exams at the moment and am on semi-hiatus. First, what an amazing dream!! You'll have a wonderful time :D

SO in general having a degree not in English language and a TEFL certificate is most definitely enough to secure you a job, but at the moment it is a rather 'special period', as every job advert says, and so finding a job is a little trickier because of visa problems.

Basically, there are no work or study visas available at the moment for people from the UK. The only people who can get into China are those who the Chinese Embassy deems 'foreign experts' and therefore 'crucial to China's progress', and your company or school will have to provide something called a PU letter. This grants you the ability to actually apply for the work visa, though itself doesn't grant it. At the moment there aren't that many companies available who can offer that.

Because of this, I'd recommend going through a recruitment company. I do not necessarily mean a graduate scheme (the ones advertised as such are not very well paid and you don't have much control over where you go), but a recruitment company. You can find these on any general site if you google 'ESL jobs China'.

In terms of actual jobs - generally speaking there are three categories, private language schools, state schools, and international schools. International schools are by far the best in terms of packages, but they rarely take graduates without 3 years of teaching experience. The good news is that if you do find somebody who is looking for recent grads (if you go to a particularly prestigious university like Oxbridge, for instance), you might be able to teach Physics or Science rather than English language. International schools will also be the easiest to deal with in terms of communication and visa applications, but the competition is quite stiff, and most people who apply will be teachers in their home countries already.

State schools are another good option if you want 'normal' teaching hours, good holidays, and older children. The position I have next year is in a good state school that has two programs, the Canadian curriculum and the GaoKao (the Chinese university entrance exam). The main disadvantage is that you may be the only foreigner in the school, and communication might be difficult. I don't just mean with Chinese but in general: you will be not told things, you will be excluded, you will turn up to your class and find someone else teaching it and be told just to go back to your office. If you can be flexible and have an open mind, state schools are great, but they may be quite exhausting especially if this is your first time in China. You will also have to teach to exams, and the curriculum might be tight. For me personally though, I would much rather teach in a state school than the next option -

Which is private language schools. These are very good - sometimes. This is the main problem: the quality of the schools, the teaching, and the ethos all vary from school to school. You may be teaching very young children, and you may be teaching exclusively in the evening. The schools may be very supportive of creativity in the classroom, or you may be literally forced to teach the flashcards they give you. The plus about these schools is that they often have competitive relocation packages, are not too bothered about how experienced (or not) you are, and that there will be a community of other English speaking colleagues (natives and not) to help you integrate.

The reason I add this is that it's so, so important. It's very laudable and easy to wish for immersion and want to make Chinese friends - and you should!! - but living in another country without easy access to internet you are used to can be exhausting at times and even the staunchest believer in immersion is going to be stressed and tired and teary far from home. Having colleagues who want to improve their English can also be a good basis for a (somewhat awkward at first) friendship.

Some general tips: brush up on your English grammar. Seriously. Because the amount of teachers who have no idea and bluff their way through it is shocking and disrespects those who try very hard to make it a proper profession. Also having students ask you when you use the present perfect continuous and the present perfect simple and not knowing the answer is a very special kind of pain!! I'd recommend bringing a reputable grammar book with you, and using it when making your lesson plans.

Re Chinese: if you already have a little, your Chinese will improve so much when you're there!! Don't stress about it because China is a wonderful environment for learning - it's literally perfect, few people speak English and EVERYBODY wants to speak to you as many people are direct and very curious - but at the same time, the more you can learn, the easier it will be. Don't neglect your characters!! Learning useful menu characters and signs will be hugely helpful too. You won't need Chinese in your job really, but you definitely will in your daily life, so well done for learning and keep at it!!

The other thing I would say is: sort out your music and your social media and your banking before going to China. This includes a good VPN. You can't download apps on the google App Store, and to make the transition to the Chinese internet easier, I'd recommend getting a Weibo account, any music app, Baidu translate and maps and so on, and accustoming yourself to that before going.

Re where you are going and the package: you should have your flight paid, help with your visa, and transparency about quarantine procedures. You should also have accommodation or an accommodation allowance of between 2000-5000 (2000 is more than fine). Public or international schools may pay for your food during school-time as well. Re cities: prioritise what is important to you. If you want to save, bear in mind that China is extraordinarily cheap and that even in places like Shanghai, you can still save a lot if you live somewhat sensibly. To give you some context: I lived in Tianjin, a second-tier city, and I got 'pocket money' of 2000 every month (with accommodation and food paid), and I managed to save enough to do martial arts for a month at an academy after 5 months. And I was living well - going out about twice a week, taking taxis, eating out almost every evening (cheap food). So don't prioritise one position over another solely because of money, and also bear in mind kindergarten teachers may only be getting about 2000-3000 a month - so regardless of whether you earn 10,000 or 15,000, it's a) SIGNIFICANTLY enough to live very well and save very well too, and b) considerably more than many of your coworkers will be earning.

Also, different cities have different costs of living: 10,000 somewhere like Hangzhou will go considerably further than 16,000 in Shanghai. Another thing to bear in mind is the air quality, and the environment, and the access to green spaces. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THIS. If this is important to you, go somewhere smaller or in the south with access to nature - I nearly went crazy living in such a big city with such poor air quality. The positions I had to choose between were one in Shanghai, better paid and at a better school, and a position in Zhuhai in a campus in the mountains, in a third-tier city by the sea. I know now how important green is to me, how much I prefer a more relaxed pace of life, and so I chose the latter.

Lastly, don't be intimidating and don't be afraid to ask questions about your job. Make sure that everything they say is in the contract, in both the English version and the Chinese version. This is important because only the Chinese version is legal, so if you have a friend, get them to check that the same stuff is in each bit of the contract. Communication might be difficult, but don't be afraid to be direct and press for answers, don't just accept what you're told. You might be messed around with a bit, so it's important to 'shop around' for positions - don't feel bad if you do so, and don't be afraid to turn things down that don't suit. Finally, don't feel terrified if you can't find information about a school online - a lot of stuff isn't on Google, and will also be better accessed via WeChat or mini programs. Not finding information about your school or city does not mean it doesn't exist!!

So be prepared for a wild ride - and enjoy! If you have any more questions about any of this, please feel free to ask at any time!

meichenxi out :P

[rigmarolling]

Historical Holiday Traditions We Really Need To Bring Back

Here comes Santa Claus, and also a bunch of annual holiday Things we do to ensure he commits a truly boggling act of breaking and entering and leaves goods underneath the large plant in the living room.

Because I’ve always got a hankerin’ for the days of yore, here are some historical holiday traditions we really need to bring back:

1. Everything that happened on Saturnalia

Saturnalia was the ancient Roman winter festival held on December 25th--which is why we celebrate Christmas on that day and not on the day historians speculate Jesus was actually born, which was probably in the spring. 

Saturnalia was bonkers. As the name suggests, it celebrated the god Saturn, who represented wealth and liberty and generally having a great time.

Above: Their party is way cooler than yours could ever hope to be.

During Saturnalia, masters would serve their slaves, because it was the one day during the year when everybody agreed that freedom for all is great, actually, let’s just do that. Everyone wore a coned hat called the pilleus to denote that they were all bros and equal, and also to disguise the fact that they hadn’t brushed their hair after partying hard all week, probably.

Gambling was allowed on Saturnalia, so all of Rome basically turned into ancient Vegas, complete with Caesar’s Palace, except with the actual Caesar and his palace because he was, you know. Alive. 

The most famous part (besides getting drunk off your rocker) was gift-giving--usually gag gifts. Historians have records of people giving each other some truly impressive white elephant gifts for Saturnalia, including: a parrot, balls, toothpicks, a pig, one single sausage, spoons, and deliberately awful books of poetry. 

Above: Me, except all the time.

Partygoers also crowned a King of Saturnalia, which was a predecessor to the King of Fools popular in medieval festivals. The king was basically the head idiot who delivered absurd commands to everyone there, like, “Sing naked!” or “run around screaming for an hour,” or “slap your butt cheeks real hard in front of your crush; DO IT, Brutus.”

Oh, wait. Everyone was already doing all that. Hell yes.

(Quick clarification: early celebrations of Saturnalia did feature human sacrifice, so let’s just leave that bit out and instead wear the pointy hats and sing naked, okay? Io Saturnalia, everybody.)

2. Leaving out treats for Sleipnir in the hopes of avoiding Odin’s complete disregard for your property

The whole “leave out cookies and milk for Santa” thing comes from a much older tradition of trying to appease old guys with white beards. In Norse mythology, Odin, who was sort of the head god but preferred to be on a perpetual road trip instead, took an annual nighttime ride through the winter sky called the Wild Hunt. 

Above: The holidays, now with 300% more heavy metal.

Variations of the Wild Hunt story exist in a bunch of European folklore--in Odin’s case, he usually brought along a bunch of supernatural buddies, like spirits and other gods and Valkyries and ghost dogs, who, the Vikings said, you could hear howling and barking as the group approached (GOOD DOGGOS).

That was the thing, though; you never actually saw Odin’s hunt--you only heard it. And hearing it did not spark the same sense of childish glee you felt when you thought you heard Santa’s sleigh bells approaching as a kid--instead, the Vikings said, you should be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Because Odin could be kind of a dick.

Odin was also known as the Allfather, and like any father, he hated asking for directions. GPS who? I’m the Allfather, I’m riding the same way I always ride.

And that was pretty much it: “I took this road last year and I’m taking it again this year.”

“But,” someone would pipe up from the back, “there are houses on the road now--we’re gonna run right into them. We could just take a different path; there’s actually a detour off the--”

“Nope,” Odin would say. “They know the rules. My road, my hunt, my rules. We’re going this way.”

So if you were unlucky enough to have built your house along one of Odin’s favorite road trip sky-ways, he wouldn’t just plow right past you.

He would burn your entire house down--and your family along with it.

Kids playing in the yard? Torch ‘em; they should have known better. Grandma knitting while she waits for her gingerbread Einherjar to finish baking? Sucks to be her; my road, my rules, my beard, I’m the Allfather, bitch.

Above: Santa, but so much worse.

To be fair to Odin, he could be a cool guy sometimes. He just turned into any dad when he was on a road trip and wanted to MAKE GOOD TIME, DAMN IT, I AM NOT STOPPING; YOU SHOULD HAVE PEED BEFORE WE LEFT.

To ensure they didn’t incur Odin’s road trip wrath, the Vikings had a few ways of smoothing things over with Dad.

They would leave Odin offerings on the road, like pieces of steel (??? okay ???) or bread for his dogs, or food for his giant, eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, because the only true way to a man’s heart is through his pet. 

People would generally leave veggies and oats and other horse-y things out for Sleipnir, whose eight legs made him the fastest flying horse in the world and also made him the only horse to ever win Asgard’s coveted tap dancing championship. 

(Side note: EIGHT legs...EIGHT tiny reindeer...eh? Eh? See how we got here? Thanks, nightmare horse!)

Above: An excellent prancer AND dancer. 

And if Odin was feeling particularly charitable and not in the mood for horrific acts of arson, children would also leave their shoes out for him--it was said that he’d put gifts in your boots to ring in a happy new year.

If all that didn’t work and the Vikings heard the hunt approaching, they would resort to throwing themselves on the ground and covering their heads while the massive party sped above them like a giant Halloween rager. 

So this holiday season, leave your boots out for Odin and some carrots out for his giant spider horse or you and your entire family will die in a fiery inferno, the end.

3. Yule Logs

Speaking of Scandinavia, another Northern European winter solstice tradition was the yule log. Today, if you google “yule log,” something like this will pop up:

...which isn’t an actual log, but is instead log-shaped food that you shove into your mouth along with 500 other cakes at the same time because it’s CHRISTMAS, and I’m having ME TIME; so WHAT if I ate the whole jar of Nutella by myself, alone, in the dark at 3 am?

But that log cake is actually inspired by actual logs of yore that Celtic, Germanic, and Scandinavian peoples decorated with fragrant plants like holly, ivy, pinecones, and other Stuff That Smells Nice before tossing the log into the fire.

This served a few purposes: 

It smelled nice, and Bath and Body Works scented candles hadn’t been invented yet.

It had religious and/or spiritual significance as a way to mark the winter solstice.

It was a symbolic way of ringing in the new year and kicking out the old.

Common belief held that the ashes of a yule log could ward off lightning strikes and bad energy.

Winter cold. Fire warm.

Everybody loves to watch things burn. (See: Odin.)

The yule log cakes we eat today got their start in 19th century Paris, when bakers thought it was a cute idea to resurrect an ancient pagan tradition in the form of a delicious dessert, and boy, howdy, were they right.

In any case, I’m 100% down with eating a chocolate yule log while burning an actual yule log in my backyard because everybody loves to watch things burn; winter cold, fire warm; and hnnnngggg pine tree smell hnnnnggg.

(Quick note:  The word “yule” is  the name of a traditional pagan winter festival, still celebrated culturally or religiously in modern pagan practice. It’s also another name for Odin. He had a bunch of other names, one of the most well-known being jólfaðr, which is Old Norse for “Yule father.” If you would like to royally piss him off, or if you are Loki, feel free to call him “Yule Daddy.”)

4. Upside down Christmas trees

I just found out that apparently, upside down Christmas trees are a hot new trend with HGTV types this year, so I guess this is one historical trend we did bring back, meaning it doesn’t really belong on this list, but I’m gonna talk about it, anyway.

Side note: Oh, my god, that BANNISTER. I NEED.

Historians aren’t actually sure where the inverted Christmas tree thing came from, but we know people were bringing home trees and then hanging them upside down in the living room as early as the 7th century. We have a couple theories as to why people turned trees on their heads:

Logistically, it’s way easier to hang a giant pine tree from your rafters upside down by its trunk and roots. You just hoist that baby up there, wind some rope around the rafter and the trunk, and boom. Start decorating.

A Christian tradition says that one day in the 7th century, a Benedictine monk named Saint Boniface stumbled across a group of pagans worshipping an oak tree. So, instead of minding his own damn business, he cut the tree down and replaced it with a fir tree. While the pagans were like, “Dude, what the hell?” Boniface used the triangular shape of the fir tree to explain the concept of the holy trinity to the pagans. Some versions have him planting it right-side up, others having him displaying a fir tree upside down. Either way, it’s still a triangle that’s a solid but ultimately very rude way of explaining God. Word’s still out on whether anyone was converted or just rightly pissed off that this random guy strolled into their place of worship, chopped down their sacred tree, and plopped HIS tree down instead. Please do not do that this holiday season.

Eastern Europeans lay claim to the upside-down tree phenomenon with a tradition called podłazniczek in Poland--people hung the tree from the ceiling and decorated it with fruits and nuts and seeds and ribbons and other festive doodads. 

(God, who lives in these houses? Look at that. That’s like a swanky version of Gaston’s hunting lodge. Where do I get one? Which enchanted castle do I have to stumble into to chill out in a Christmas living room like that?)

Today, at least in the West, upside-down trees are making a comeback because...I don’t know. Chip and Joanna Gaines said so. 

Some folks say it’s a surefire way to keep your cats from clawing their way through the tree and then puking up fir needles for weeks afterward, which checks out for me.

5. Incredibly weird Victorian Christmas cards

So back in the 19th century, the Christmas card industry was really getting fired up. Victorians loved their mail, let me tell you. They loved sending it. They loved getting it. They loved writing it. They loved opening it. They loved those sexy wax seals you use to keep all that sweet, sweet mail inside that sizzling envelope. (Those things are incredibly sexy. Have you ever made a wax seal? Oh, man, it’s hot.)

The problem, though, was that while the Victorians arguably helped standardize many of the holiday traditions we know and love today (Christmas trees, caroling, Dickens everything, spending too much money, etc.) back in 1800-whenever, a lot of that Christmas symbolism was, um...still under construction. No one had really agreed on which visual holiday cues worked and which...didn’t.

Meaning everyone just kind of made up their own holiday symbols. Which resulted in monstrous aberrations like this card:

What the hell is that? A beet? Is that a beet? Or a turnip? Why is it...oh, God, why does it have a man’s head? Why does the man beet have insect claws? 

What is it that he’s holding? A cookie? Cardboard? A terra cotta planter?

And then there’s this one:

“A Merry Christmas to you,” it says, while depicting a brutal frog murder/mugging. 

What are you trying to tell me? Are you threatening me with this card? Is that it? Is this a threat? How the hell am I supposed to interpret this? “Merry Christmas, hide your money or you’re dead, you stupid bitch.”

Also, why is the dead frog naked? Did the other frog steal his clothes after the murder? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?

Victorian holiday cards also doubled as early absurdist Internet memes, apparently, because how else do I explain this?

Is this some sort of tiny animal Santa? A mouse riding a lobster? Like, the mouse, I get. Mice are fine. Disney built an empire on a mouse. And look, he’s got a little list of things he’s presumably going to bring you: Peace, joy, health, happiness. (In French. Oh, wait, is that that Patton Oswalt rat?)

But a LOBSTER? What’s with the lobster? It’s basically a sea scorpion. Why in the name of all that is good and holy would you saddle up a LOBSTER? I hate it. I hate it so, so much. Just scurrying around the floor with more legs than are strictly necessary, smelling like the seafood section of Smith’s, snapping its giant claws.

This whole card is a health inspector’s worst nightmare. It really is.

I gotta say, though, I am a fan of this one:

Presumably, that polar bear is going in for a hug because nothing stamps out a polar bear’s innate desire to rip your face from your skull than candy canes and Coke and Christmas spirit.

This next one is actually fantastic, but for all the wrong reasons:

I know everyone overuses “same” these days but geez, LOOK at that kid. I can HEAR it. SAME.

If you’ve ever been in a shopping mall stuffed with kids, nothing sums it up better than this card. This is like the perverse version of those Anne Geddes portraits that were everywhere in the late 90s. “Make wee Jacob sit in the tea pot; everyone will--Jacob, STOP, look at Mommy; I said LOOK. AT. MOMMY--everyone will love it.”

Actually, you know what? Every other Christmas card is cancelled. This is the only card we will be using from now on. This is it. 

Wait, no. We can also use this one:

Merry Christmas. Here’s a fuckin’...just a dead fuckin’ bird.

[pallasperilous]

Piledriver

Dean/Castiel 1815 words Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair Coda, Fix-It (sort of), Grief is a weird and protean beast, Second Person POV, but also Dean POV, I realize what a tall order that is y’all but I swear it’s mad judicious {AO3 version}

You’re not really sure when you started doing it.

That’s a fucking lie. 

You started doing it ten, maybe twenty minutes after. 

Not as a conscious thing, not like those snappy comebacks you think of the next day, or like those speeches you practice in your head and then never get the chance to deliver. (Although it seems like other people have better luck in that regard.) 

It’s more like a tic — like the way Sam used to pick at his hand, or your mom used to hum the same little bit of Stairway to Heaven offkey. (Which was kind of a trip since she’d come back from, you know. There.)

You think: I love you, too. 

 It’s just a drumbeat of syllables running in the back of your head. Might as well be shave and a haircut. Which you could use, incidentally.

It eases off a little, after the universe ticks over. You’re so fucking relieved that you basically revert to a lower life form for awhile — you’re like a jellyfish, or a fungus, or a Yankees fan. For a few minutes there, things are pretty sweet.  

Then the clock starts running again, and you and Sam are faced with the frankly fucked-up necessity of needing a hot meal and somewhere to pee. 

It kicks back in then — during the peeing, specifically, because goddamn did the dude never get over what a fucking nightmare it is to have a bladder. Like it actually made him mad. Even after he got his batteries back and was once more able to, like, effervesce fluids out of his body or teleport them to the surface of Mars or whatever, he never stopped giving you pitying looks whenever he got up to use the can. On the road he’d ask if anybody needed a bathroom break at every single freeway exit. You chewed him out once that you in fact were not a four year-old or an Alzheimer’s patient and could therefore hold it for more than twenty minutes at a time, and he looked at you with such bottomless patience and empathy that you could’ve thrown him out of the fucking car. I love you too.

Instead of a heartbeat, it’s like a piledriver hitting the ground ten feet away.  

I love you too. It rattles your fucking thighs as you wash your hands in the gas station bathroom. None of the other dudes do because dudes are fucking disgusting. This attitude was maybe part of the problem.

I love you too. You come out and the car’s moved and you have a hot second of freakout, then you see Sam’s just pulled it away from the pump and parked in the lot and honest to God (go team!) you almost burst into tears. What the fuck.

I love you, too. 

That night you do your absolute best to lobotomize yourself (not to obliterate yourself, which is a sign of progress and for which effort you absolutely deserve a round of applause from…somebody), but the piledriver just keeps on pounding away and you realize that it’s either piledrive or get piledriven. Sam’s asleep six feet away after his own inpatient procedure but you’re really fucking starting to panic so you say it out loud, anyway. 

I love you, too.

And something gives, eases off like a gas bubble turning a corner in your gut, and you pass out.

So you lean into it. You make it your thing. You figure you can either be losing your mind, or practicing, so you choose practicing. You’re showing the powers that be that you’re keeping the faith. You’re holding a torch.  You’re being the change you want to see in the world. You’ve talked to coma patients before and you’ve prayed to this asshole before and this isn’t any different. Isn’t it?

Washing the dishes: I love you, too.

Checking the oil: I love you, too.

Swinging a machete and hitting that sweet spot between vertebrae where the head just pops right off, like a Lego dude: I love you, too. 

Pulling on socks: I love you, too.

Burning that fucking jacket: I love you, too.

Not out loud, or at least, not where anybody can hear you. That would be weird.

And you know, you know, that he doesn’t hear you, either. You know that, worst of all, he didn’t even need to hear it. You’ve heard a lot of shit about unconditional love, but it’s never had any goddamn appeal to you because, what? Somebody loves you the same no matter what fucked up shit you do, no matter how you feel about them? 

That’s either (a) some seriously poisoned Kool-Aid or (b) so huge it’s useless, like giving somebody a galaxy for their birthday. You want unconditional love? Get a fucking dog. 

I love you, too.

Lately you’ve been swapping in phrases that have the same rhythm or meter or whatever, so you can say them out loud without worrying anybody more than usual. The rain in Spain does some heavy lifting for a couple weeks, then ba-DUMP-bump, tissshh! followed by the king of beers for about half a particularly shitty afternoon and then closing out with you bet your ass, which is a much better fit for your lifestyle. 

So fine, great. Life goes on. You were the subject of his unconditional cosmic love-boner whatever and getting that off his chest was all he needed to go happily fucking off into the abyss. And you’re still down here (up here? over here?), drinking coffee and hating Mondays. Awesome. I love you, too.

This is around when you discover the best match for both meter and tone yet, one so close that it doesn’t even feel like a placebo for the real phrase. It’s a whole different drug, actually. It makes you feel like a million bucks, it’s absolute rocket fuel. If the original is whiskey, this shit is meth. You turn a whole nest of ghouls into one big ghoul smoothie and then at the bar later somebody nervously informs you that you were yelling it out loud the whole damn time. 

The phrase is: go fuck yourself.

You imagine it at night, lying in the empty bed, your pulse hammering in time: him standing there, one big cow-eyed khaki rumple, and you yell: Go fuck yourself. You asshole. You bastard. You smug piece of shit. Go fuck yourself. How many times have we done this, and every fucking time you find a way to make it worse. Go fuck yourself.

I love you, too.

After a few weeks it loses its edge. You kinda knew it would, having some experience with the limits of amphetamines and your own rage-juice glands. It downgrades from a battle-cry to a slur. At some point you realize you’re not even saying it to him anymore. You’re saying it to you. Go fuck yourself.

You try to imagine him saying it instead. Go fuck yourself,  in that nutso Sam the Eagle voice that he must’ve gotten out of a box of Cracker Jacks, because it sure didn’t come complimentary with Jimmy Novak’s dry-ass mouth.  Go fuck yourself, Dean.

Somehow it’s still the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to you. 

So you go back to the OG version, and this time it feels like it settles in. You do whatever the psychological equivalent is of buying it a dog bed and a food dish and a leash, and you take it out for walkies whenever it starts to chew on the furniture. I love you, too. 

You get so used to its presence that sometimes you even forget it’s there. You’re joking around with Sam, eating sandwiches at some picnic grounds on the way to Sioux Falls for a social visit, and you say some dumb thing to him, who knows about what. Sam rolls his eyes and shakes his head in disgust as required by the kid brother certification board and snorts “I love you, man,” in the way that means how are you even allowed to exist, and you answer “I love you, too,” in the way that means I love you, too.

Sam has seen a lot of wild shit, but the look on his face after that is a brand new one to you. 

“Checkmate, asshole,” you say, in case he’s worried you’re gonna off yourself in the bathroom or something.

 You do get to say it, eventually. 

Like most things in life, it happens after you’ve totally given up, and then totally given up giving up, and have achieved the spiritual equivalent of that shrug emoji Claire sends you sometimes. When the phrase is well past thinking about, when the words don’t even carry any meaning anymore; they’re like the thought version of blinking, or swallowing. A background process, until something flies into your eyeball or you try to breathe a tortilla chip.

So the tortilla chip shows up one day. Don’t worry too much about the details here, just take it for granted that it either required a heroic effort of years that nearly broke you, or that he just showed up unsolicited on the porch like a copy of The Watchtower. Or maybe you’re both dead; seriously, who cares, because regardless — he’s there, and you’re there, and for awhile other people are there too, but eventually they go away. 

And it’s him, and it’s you. And if you hadn’t absolutely digested this thing in advance, if you hadn’t broken each word down into its atomic particles and cut and pasted them into your DNA so that 45th century forensic anthropologists from Mars could extract it from a fragment of the the mummified marrow of your left ass-bone, you might’ve said something else. 

You said: “I love you, too.”

You realize, in the moment after you say it, that you have reached the limits of your preparations. You’re a samurai with a single move; you’re the cannon in the 1812 Overture; your photo’s in the dictionary under one-trick pony and you’ve got frosted tips and you’re blinking. 

You say it again, and then a third time, and a lot of times after that. You keep saying it, for years, in varying degrees of franticness and horniness and happiness and honestly still-fucking-angriness and whatever else is on special that week. You say it to his face and to his dick and to his back and to the mere concept of him well after he’s left the room, left the state, left the dimension. Eventually you stop bothering to say anything else to each other. There are maybe half a million words in your native language, according to Sam, who uses them all, and with everybody else you keep on using the two hundred or so you feel confident about. 

But with Castiel, you make do with just the four.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[gallavictorious]

Once again the fandom coming together to daydream about Mickey helping Ian out and seeing him back on track to become an emt again but why is that on Mickey? Why does he always have to do things to make Ian happy when Ian's usually nothing but annoyed by Mickey and does nothing to make Mickey happy? Truly shows which character y'all care about more.

This got absurdly long, because I am who I am and did take the opportunity to go off on a tangent about valid conclusions and what not, so I put it under a cut. Read at your own risk! Oh, and I also do address the actual question about whether or not Ian's career is on Mickey, and whether or not Ian never does anything to make Mickey happy. ;)

For the sake of clarity, I got this ask in response to this post.

And I gotta say, nonnie, getting this ask perplexed me to the point of running off to Trusted Fandom Friends, demanding to know how my undying love and loyalty for Mickey could ever be doubted. Had to laugh at myself a little, actually, and the strenght of my befuddlement. It reminded me of the time I went on a trip with people from the 501st (cosplayers dedicated to the bad guys in Star Wars) and Rebel Legion (cosplayers dedicated to the good guys in Star Wars) and a lot of people assumed I was a Rebel sympathizer simply because I had friends in that group and those were the people who had invited me. Excuse me, I didn't yell, I have like 30 Darth Vaders in my damned home, how dare you question my allegiance? I was so used to always being known as a diehard Vaderkin fangirl that the mer fact of strangers failing to recognize me as such genuinely fucked a little with my sense of identity. My love of Mickey isn't anywhere near as deeply ingrained into my sense of self, since he's only been an occasional presence in my life since 2016 while Darth Vader's been my main man since 1994, but it was still a little jarring to suddenly find myself (mis)identified as an Ian stan.

Being a fangirl is strange.

And I want to make it clear that I do love Ian. He's a fascinating character and, to me, he's a character that's often much harder to understand than Mickey. He rewards careful analysis and discussion, though, so I guess I tend to talk a lot about him? I don't need to spend as much time considering Mickey's feelings and motivations because they are (almost) always pretty obvious; I don't need to tease them out. But at the end of the day, Mickey is my favourite. (Though I'll always love Ian and Mickey together more than I love either of them on their own. It's like fresh cilantro and mint – each perfectly lovely in their own right, but the combination of them creates a flavour that's just out of this world.)

Now, you might argue that you don't follow me and so have no idea who I am and what I like to post about, and that going only by that single post (which, in fairness, was tagged with 'i just want ian to be happy okay?') I give off the general impression of an Ian stan. And that's fair enough; I'm an obscure blog in a decently big fandom and you're not required to keep track of anyone. However, if you want to throw around passive aggressive accusations of caring more about one character than the other, I will ask you to do your research first. Reacting to one single piece of data without considering the context is a common but highly unfortunate practice that needlessly complicates meaningful conversations, and we'd all do well to abstain from it.

Oh, you don't want to spend a lot of time and energy on consdering every single thing a specific Tumblr blog has ever said on a specific topic just so you can draw a valid conclusion about their stance? That's perfectly understandable, nonnie, and easily sorted: refrain from making unsubstantiated claims about what other people think or don't think and you won't have to. Ask them, if you wonder. If you see a tendency in fandom to put the responsibility for Ian's wellbeing and career or Mickey's shoulders and want to discuss that, that's totally cool! I am game (and will address that question below)! But it's very possible to do that without somewhat rudely ascribing perferences and opinions to other people, and you'll get better answers for it (for instance, you won't have to wade through me rambling on about valid conclusions and my memories from other fandoms... ).

It seems to me, though, that this touches upon a long-held frustration of yours. If I interpret your ask correctly, you think the show gives us an Ian who is mostly annoyed with Mickey and doesn't do anything to make him happy, and you think that the fandom responds to this by relegating Mickey to the role of Ian's caretaker, whose sole purpose is to serve Ian's needs without any regard for what might Mickey himself happy. Have I got that right?

If so, it should be noted that I don't agree with either of these takes: I don't think that's the Ian the show gives us (a point I will return to below), and I don't think that fandom at large only cares about Ian's happiness, and I particularly don't think that my post can be used a evidence of the latter.

For instance, when you sent me this ask the post in question had all of 40 notes. As I write this, it has just over 70. ”The fandom coming together” seems to be slightly overstating the case, don't you think? There are certainly fans who care more about Ian and only see Mickey as valuable as long as he contributes to Ian's happiness, just as there are fans who care more about Mickey and only see Ian as valuable as long as he contributes to Mickey's happiness - but this single post with less than a hundred notes does not support that either of these stances would be predominant within the fandom. (And, while on the topic, I'd like to state that I don't actually see a problem with either of those stances; these are fictional characters that exists for our entertainment and we don't have any moral obligations to treat them equally and fairly. Don't ruin other fans' fun by dumping on either of them in the character or shipping tags or on character and shipping posts and this is not a problem. It might be a somewhat unpopular opinion, but I don't think you have to love or even like all characters in a ship to ship it: I refuse to drink plain tea because it's nasty but put a splash of milk in it and its my favourite thing ever. You can love a combination without loving all the seperate pieces on their own. And yeah, I do revert to food metaphors a lot. I like food.)

Secondly, whether or not the post can be said to represent the feeling of the fandom at large (it cannot), I think that reading a post specifically about ”Mickey helping Ian out and seeing him back on track to become an emt again” and then extrapolating from that that Mickey ”always have to do things to make Ian happy” is a little wild. The very first thing I wrote for this fandom was a vision of Ian offering Mickey comfort, goddammit. (Ian giving Mickey a hug is so high on my list of desires, you can't even imagine)

As for your actual question (and, ah, imagine how much shorter this post would be if you had just left it at that) – of course that's not on Mickey. That much, incidentally, I've actually explicitly stated in another post. Ian might have his issues but he's still an adult and responsible for himself. That being said, I don't see it as particularly strange that someone would go out of their way to help their partner when they see them struggling? If I realize that someone I care about is unhappy and there's a way for me to help, I would want to help because I love them and want them to be happy, even if it's – ethically speaking – not my responsibility to do so. Pretty sure Mickey, who is action-oriented and so very protective of the people he loves, feels the same way.

Of course, if it's a one-sided thing – if one partner is always the one to do stuff for the other and never receives any support in return – that's not a healthy relationship, and I assume that this is what you're seeing in the show and taking exception to?

Only... I can't help but wonder who this Ian is, this uncaring, selfish version you see – because I don't quite get how it can be the Ian who emptied his bank account for Mickey, or the Ian who was ready to throw his parole and stay in prison for Mickey even when they were in the middle of a fight specifically because Mickey said it would make him happy, or the one who kept trying to talk to Mickey and win him back after Mickey punched him in the face, accidentally broke his leg, and took off with a new lover (I'm not taking sides in this one, btw – I have a lot of sympathy and understanding for both of them and their actions throughout this whole sorry affair), or the Ian who immediately wanted to marry Mickey protect him from the consequences of a murder Ian thought he had actually comitted, or the Ian who went along with arranging a real wedding even though he initially didn't at all understand why this was important to Mickey and who had someone come serenade him once he did, or the Ian who chose At last for Mickey to walk up to the aisle to, or the Ian who keeps trying to reach out to Mickey and to touch him and discuss their issues in a mature way even when he's (justifiably) upset about Mickey using all their wedding money without telling Ian. (Though Ian deciding for both of them that they're saving the money isn't great either.)

I mean, Ian's absolutely done shitty things, as has Mickey. They're human, and they're the products of a chaotic and often hostile enviroment. They do mess up a lot; they've hurt each other rather badly over the years. Depending on your perspective and preferences, you may think one or the other have behaved worse, but as far as I can see, the claim that Ian never does anything to make Mickey happy is simply not supported.

Ian has seemed unusually annoyed with Mickey this season, I'll give you that, but while that's not always the most fun thing to watch and I strongly sympathize with the wish to just see Ian look at Mickey with that fond look again, I don't find him being frustrated right now all that weird, given the circumstances. I'd argue it has less to do with Mickey and more to do with a general frustration over thwarted ambitions and not being able to hold on even to a really shitty job, though Mickey's attitude doesn’t exactly help (which is not to say that I think that Ian's the one in the right here, becasue Ian's way of handling things hasn't always been been stellar either). However, I do have faith in them sorting this out – because even though they fight and bicker and get annoyed with each other, there's never any indication that they're not both committed to making this marriage thing work. They certainly stumble, they misunderstand each other and lash out, but they calm down and go to sleep in the same bed and compromise and keep trying. Every day, they – both of them – choose each other.

I'd like to finish this off by noting, even though it's not entirely relevant to my argument, that that the number one thing that does make Mickey happy is being together with Ian, and even when Ian is pissed at Mickey and withholding sex (which was very ill-advised but says a lot of interesting things about his character, I think!) no one's sleeping on the couch, there are no nights away from the house and each other, and even in the middle of an argument they sit and stand next to each other. I think that's pretty telling of Ian's dedication, especially given his propensity for running away from his problems.

Phew. Okay, nonnie – though we don't agree and I doubt you'll find this answer satisfactory, I hope you see that I have done my best to understand your point of view and treat your arguments fairly and give you a thoughtful response. If you'd like to get back to me and elaborate on your stance, I'd ask that you show me the same courtesy. :)

[maxismatchccworld]

Patch Notes

Update 06/03/2020 PC: 1.63.133.1020 / Mac: 1.63.133.1220 Console: Version 1.25

The Sims 4 Eco Lifestyle Expansion Pack drops in just a mere few days, and since we know that living your best Eco Lifestyle can take a little extra elbow grease, we’ve added some exciting quality-of-life improvements to help pave the way.

Between Inventory updates, new CAS assets from a surprise partnership with M·A·C, the return of two beloved NPCs, as well as some really cool new Build features, we hope you enjoy the update.

-SimGuruJill & SimGuruRusskii

NEW & IMPROVED FEATURES

INVENTORY UPDATES

Fellow hoarders, this one’s for you: We have updated the Sim Inventory with the ability to Filter, Sort, Favorite, Multi-Select, and Multi-Sell in one easy flick of the wrist. Managing that cumbersome pile of collectables you’ve been racking up for the past five years has never been so easy!

FREE PLACEMENT OF DOORS AND WINDOWS

Following in true Eco Lifestyle fashion, Door and Window placement is now also Off-the-Grid. But not that kind of grid. The limiting kind of tile grid that used to keep you from placing your windows and doors precisely where you wanted them. By holding down the Alt key while dragging, you can enjoy the smooth sensations of free Door and Window placement.

LADDERS

Ladders have been added as part of the Build System. Find your free Classic Wooden Ladder in the Build catalog in the Stairs (& Ladders) category. Unlike Island Living’s Dock and Ladder objects for use on water lots, these Ladders can be placed anywhere on your lot and like stairs, they can be used as a means for Sims to traverse from one floor to another.

M·A·C COSMETICS

Did you say you needed some fresh looks for your Sims? We’ve collaborated with none other than M·A·C Cosmetics to bring you 12 fashion-forward makeup assets suited for everything from everyday to night out glam. If you’re not already using it, on PC and Mac we recommend trying out the “Uncompressed Sim Textures” setting in the Options Menu, which is now enabled by default on the High and Ultra graphics settings profiles in order to see these looks really shine. While console versions of The Sims 4 do not have the setting in the Options Menu, each console spec is automatically using the optimal graphical settings based on system resources.

REPO PERSON NPC

The Repo Person NPC has graduated with honors from Discover University’s University of Britechester with a Degree in Villainy and has comfortably taken up residence in Base Game. Now everyone can taste their wrath if Bill payments fall behind.

BILLS UPDATE

Speaking of Bills, we’ve added a cohesive breakdown of Sim’s Bills information that can be accessed via an interaction on the Mailbox or Phone. Now instead of lumping everything together, you can see what percentage of your Bills go to Water, what percentage go to Power, insight into any Fees, Reductions, or Penalties. All this and more, calculated and cleanly presented for your finer understanding.

LEGACY NEIGHBORHOOD MAP TAGS

We have gone back and added Map Tags with Neighborhood Descriptions to existing neighborhoods that didn’t yet have them. We now have delightful icons, names, and descriptions for the no-longer-forgotten Willow Creek, Oasis Springs, Newcrest, and Windenburg. Ok, feel free to freak out now.

OFF-THE-GRID UPDATES

This one is tricky to list out in a single paragraph with attempted wit, so I’ll just drop this bullet list off right here:

The Off-the-Grid Lot Trait now ties into our new Bill updates, drawing from Water and Power utility. Without excess utility, lots function off-the-grid as they did before. With excess utility, they function more like an on-the-grid lot.

There is a new Off-the-Grid Build category that will allow players to find Off-the-Grid and survival-esque objects.

We've done a pass on candles to ensure they properly work when electricity is out.

Off-the-Grid supported Fridges now have an "Add Ice" interaction that will allow them to keep food preserved—so long as the ice remains!

Sim will now autonomously use stoves and fridges when Off-the-Grid, not just grills.

Harvestables now grant unique buffs when consumed off-the-grid.

Dogs and Toddlers now have a unique interaction to be bathed in Bathtubs even when Off-the-Grid.

Objects can now be cleaned using the "Use Elbow Grease" interaction. Yummy.

Players are able to gather Water utility from fishing spots in base game. With Island Living they can gather from the waterfall. Water can also be gathered from any world with swimmable 'ocean' water. With Seasons, water can be gathered from snow drifts.

Off-the-Grid specific buffs will now take into account motives and Sim traits when determining if a Sim should receive a positive or negative moodlet when living Off-the-Grid.

We've added multiple new recipes that can be cooked while Off-the-Grid given a Sim has the proper cooking skill level. Some recipes require special ingredients like the Boiling Frog Hot Pot—which adds a really neat survival element to off-the-grid gameplay, while providing Sims with powerful new moodlets that will help them survive in the wild.

NO TRESPASSING

Some people who have the Vampires Game Pack appreciate Vlad’s antics more than others. I personally love receiving a charming visit from Vlad, and sometimes I could really use a kind compliment about my neck. But we’ve heard there are a select few that don’t quite like having their Sim’s necks bitten and motives tanked by an invasive nighttime visitor with no respect for boundaries. Keep Vampires and other unwanted visitors at bay with a new No Trespassing interaction we’ve added to the Door.

SEND HOME INTERACTION

Speaking of unwelcome visitors, we’ve also added a new Send Home interaction that’s available on visiting NPCs or as a self-interaction in the case of multiple visitors. How is this interaction any different from Ask To Leave or Go Away, you might ask? Convenience. Unlike its less efficient predecessors, this interaction is nearly instantaneous and leaves your visitors with no hurt feelings or Relationship impact. We added it as a useful tool for players, not necessarily as a story-telling mechanism.

BUILD MODE ITEMS GRANT GAMEPLAY EFFECTS

How you build your lot can now affect your gameplay. Certain objects such as wall patterns, floor patterns, fences, and columns bring different gameplay modifiers. Some of these modifiers affect how your Bills and utilities are calculated by decreasing or increasing your Power or Water utility production or usage, as well increasing or decreasing the price of bills. Environment Score can now be impacted by certain objects and materials. Drywall walls without wall patterns applied now decrease environment score like they did in The Sims 3! The choice of floor and wall materials used can also affect the ability to spread fire or puddles at an increased or lessened rate. And if you’d rather build your lot without having to think about these things, don’t worry. There’s an Option in the Gameplay menu to turn all of this off.

FIREFIGHTER NPC

Oh hey, and speaking of Fire, that reminds me. Did you hear that we’ve added Firefighter NPCs to the game? We took nods from classic Firefighter NPC behavior from The Sims, The Sims 2, and The Sims 3 and added a few small twists for The Sims 4. When a fire breaks out, Firefighters will come automatically to your lot if you already have a Fire Alarm installed. That way, if you still like to let things burn baby burn, you can just “accidentally” forget to place a Fire Alarm. It’s okay. We won’t tell anybody. If you honestly did forget to place a Fire Alarm, you can call the Fire Department from the Phone or by clicking on the fire itself. If the Fire Department is called, but there is not an active fire, they will call you on your lapse in judgement and charge you a fine. You won’t be punished if there was legitimately a fire that was extinguished before they arrive though. The Firefighter Uniform can be accessed in CAS and gives any Sim wearing it the Fireproof Buff, which gives them some extra protection against fires as well as make them more efficient at putting out fires themselves. It’s worth noting that Firefighter NPC’s do not show up in Island Living’s Sulani. Sulani already has their local Fire Brigade to handle these kinds of emergencies and besides, who wants to wear all that heavy Firefighter gear in the tropics?

STYLED LOOKS FOR TOTS AND KIDS

More than 20 New Styled Looks have been added for Children and Toddlers, using existing Base Game CAS assets to better flesh out some outfit categories that previously felt sparse.

BALANCING PASS OF PHONE CALL INVITATIONS

After five years of Expansion Packs, Game Packs, and Stuff Packs our phone call invites were admittedly starting to get a little spammy. Moments after moving in, you’ve got Lucas Munch hitting you up, asking you to go to the Bluffs with him. Then not long after, you might have had Vivian Lewis asking you to join her at The Spice Festival. Jeez, let me get settled in first, why don’t ya? We’ve done a tuning pass to rebalance all of these previously competing Phone invites to give you a more meaningful and holistic experience.

LESS INVASIVE EARBUDS

In the same vein as the above balancing pass, we wanted to smooth out one of our more pressing notifications. The free earbuds pop-up that comes with Fitness Stuff has been changed to a more passive TNS and gifts your Sim the earbuds automatically when it triggers. The days of telling the game over and over that you don’t want free earbuds, or worse - hitting OK by accident - is a thing of the past.

CONSOLE UPDATES

Eco Lifestyle releasing on the same day across all platforms marks an important milestone for The Sims 4 as Simmers get to play the same content and share new creations on The Gallery together. In this update Console Simmers have a few additional features to improve their quality of life:

We have added a new Controls Overlay Reminder that shows up throughout CAS, Gallery, Live Mode and Build Mode which should make it easier for new Simmers to jump in and not need to remember all the controls.

If you don’t want to be reminded and you know all the controls by heart, you can turn off the Controls Overlay Reminder in the Game Options > Other menu

The controller overlay screens remain available for those who want them.

Now onto the fixes and updates:

The Sims 4

macOS players should no longer encounter the setLocale.zsh error. However, both Origin and TS4 must be up to date.

Sims will not have random accessories or clothing pieces when changing into towels.

Style Influencer Sims can now remove trends they have created, with the Reset Trend interaction.

Fixed an issue where Sims were not able to Care for Self after they had been in daycare when they were a Toddler.

Some roofs were updated to remove the appearance of black sides when placed on ceilings.

Active Sims will no longer get a Tense moodlet for lack of exercise when finishing exercising. Do you even push up bro?

Sims will no longer get the Fatigued moodlet immediately after starting a workout. Now, we know that endurance takes time to build, but we decided to give Sims a chance to enjoy their workout before being completely fatigued right away.

Child Sims will now be able to unlock the Video Gaming Skill after they have maxed out their Mental Skill instead of their Motor Skill, which was causing adult skills to reset for Child Sims when they completed aspirations.

Fixed an issue in which some Households did not have their names displayed in Manage Worlds.

Corrected requirements for completing the Great Landscaper task that is part of the Mansion Baron Aspiration.

Fixed an issue in which when utilities are shut off (either because of past due bills or Off-The-Grid) adding objects from Build Mode such as Lamps, would add them turned On.

The Water Pump, Fishing Holes, Romantic Garden’s Whispering Wishing Well, and Get Famous’s Luminary’s Exotic Water Garden now have the Gather Water interaction when the Off-the-Grid Lot Trait is applied.

Fixed an issue in which the Subtle Saucer Light was not being so subtle and made objects added from Build Mode be placed randomly when dragged near it.

Teen Sims will now see the appropriate tooltip when trying to acquire the Fertile Trait from the Rewards Store. No, they are not Robots.

Fixed an issue in which some Roof Eaves were clipping into enclosed blocks.

Fixed an issue in which the Clean Up interaction would drop off the queue if dirty dishes were placed on a counter.

Since we added a new trash bike to Eco Lifestyle, we’ve made the bicycle helmet available for everyone in CAS. Now you can outfit your Sim in a helmet, regardless of owning a pack that includes bikes.

Sims will now not receive occasional text messages asking them for a Date from other Sims that they are not romantically involved with. Because it was aaaakward…

Toddler Sims will not be able to Ask for Mentoring on some in progress mentoring interactions to strangers. Except for “Invite to Bob to Music” because we can dance if we want to, we can leave our friends behind, ‘cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance well... they’re not friends of mine.

Fixed an issue with textures for the tops and landings on some Staircases.

Fixed an issue that did not allow randomizer to work correctly when Male Sims had Makeup on Create a Sim.

Plants can now be placed closer to foundations with moveobjects cheat enabled, as long as most of the plant's footprint is outside of the foundation.

Fixed an issue in which Simoleons were not added to Household Funds when moving and selling furniture.

Fixed an issue in which previewing certain windows on diagonal walls reverted their color back to the default color swatch.

Simmers on macOS Catalina and Intel Iris Plus Graphics 640 GPU will no longer experience seeing a squared shadow under their Sims.

Fixed an issue with the Wooden Prairie-Style Two-Panel door in which color swatches were not displaying correctly on both sides of the door.

Sims now can dispose of packed lunches that have spoiled. Out, foul food!

Fixed some oddness with disappearing Stairs within enclosed courtyards.

Fixed a Stair issue with Landings not working properly on lots with raised foundations and basements. Sims will no longer walk through walls and things should now look appropriate.

Fixed missing Career Promotion screens for careers in various packs.

Fixed User Interface elements and Icons across multiple packs.

Spandrels can now be properly applied on Fences.

Stairs will now not shrink when increasing Foundation heights.

Get Together

Fixed an issue in which non local Sim Townies would spawn in Windenburg’s Island, now named The Crumbling Isle.

Fixed an issue that caused an error to occur when deleting or editing Clubs.

As much as Windenburgians (Windenburgers? Windenburguese? Windenburglites?) love visitors from other worlds, they have voted them off the Island. Sorry, not sorry!

City Living

Fixed an issue that caused time to be desynchronized at Speed 3. Bending the space time continuum no more!

Vet Clinics can no longer be placed in Penthouses.

Yard Sale customers will no longer wander inside Sims’ houses and interact with their belongings. While prospective buyers are nice to have in any sale, this was just rude, this is NOT a Welcome Wagon.

Cats & Dogs

Game progress will no longer be lost when editing/adding/deleting career outfits in Create a Sim.

Fixed an issue that made Pets’ needs to not be fulfilled if not playing an active household.

Pets’ ehm… poop is now able to be used as plant fertilizer. Happy gardening!

Seasons

Sims can now sell Flowers in stacks from their Inventory.

Sims will now appropriately put their Umbrellas away before performing some interactions. Because WooHoo while having an Umbrella out in the open, seems complicated, we are not judging… but seems complicated.

Fixed an issue that made Simmer created Holidays in the Calendar populate after a season ended.

Father Winter will now be able to remove his beard and change in Create a Sim if he is part of an active Household. But who would dare shave Father Winter’s beard?? Who?!

Get Famous

Fixed the issue with the Actor Career where Sims were unable to complete their gig when they would travel and return home before it was time for the gig.

Island Living

Lotta Cocolatas will now be made with actual Coconuts taken from Sims’ Inventories. What were they made from before? We will never know! Never accept imitation Lotta Cocolatas… never!

Fixed an issue in which some quick meals were requiring a Microwave while being Off-The-Grid when it is not needed. Yogurt needing a microwave? I think not!

Mermaids in Create a Sim will no longer be able to have their Traits randomized. This allows them to keep their Mermaidism, as well as their air of mystery and charm.

Mermaids now will wear appropriate career outfits when going to work. So I can picture this now, Mermaids as Doctors would be a great TV show.

Fixed an issue in which some Island Living Tank Tops were categorized incorrectly in Create a Sim.

Mermaid Children made in Create a Sim will now grow up to be fully-functioning Mer-dults.

The Go To Work button for Odd Jobs has been fixed for Sims on Vacation.

The Eyedropper tool will now work on Stilts instead of only working on the Foundation Trims.

Fixed an issue in which Sims in Off-The-Grid lots were showering constantly. Now they will shower when appropriate. Though, with this heatwave, anything goes in my opinion!

“Dr. Mermaid/Merman, what do you recommend?

“I am prescribing some Vitamin Sea”

Give Russkii more coffee please...

Discover University

Student Sims will not lose their Term Presentations Boards when signing up for another term.

Simmers with Seasons additionally installed: Student Sims will no longer receive Academic Probation if they were on planned Holidays through the Calendar.

Student Sims will no longer be labeled as Graduate after completing the Graduation Ceremony. Congratulations!

Fixed an issue in which homework assignment progression was too slow and timers might have been missing in some instances.

Fixed an issue in which Sims were taking showers fully clothed. As much as the current heat wave is giving us creative ideas to cool off, it would be more efficient to not be fully clothed when showering.

Hair Style ymHair_EP08MensShavedPonytail_Black has been updated for Teens, Adults, and Elders to display all swatches. Similarly yfHair_EP08ShortBobBraid_Black has been fixed to appear as an option for Teens.

Sims that re-enroll in University after graduating or dropping out, can now rejoin their Secret Society. Likewise, if Sims get suspended and re-enrolls their progress will not be lost.

Fixed an issue with the "Gameday Glute Accommodator" chair that occasionally could make Sims invisible if they placed it in their Inventory. We don’t know what other powers the "Gameday Glute Accommodator" may have but invisibility is now not one of them.

Sims in the Law Career can now Attend Depositions from their Computers and Phones. Because you don’t need to break your computer to complete an assignment, that seems impractical.

Vampire Coffins and Sleeping Pods can now count as Beds in University Dorms.

Fixed an issue in which the Write and Publish Research Paper interaction would disappear from the options if it was cancelled midway. I mean, I understand rage quitting something but not to the point of my options to do it disappearing...amirite?

Fixed an issue with yfBody_EP08DressParty_SolidPurple in which pendant necklaces were not able to be seen if this asset was worn by Sims.

Fixed an issue that could make the Soccer interaction Study Plays with drop out from the interaction queue.

Corrected Final Exam Requirements for Elective Courses to say that for studying they need to do so on Computers or Research Machines.

To anyone who may have noticed the tiny head effect in the thumbnails if you wore the Dragon or the Lobster mascot costume without their hats, that issue has been fixed.

Humanoid Robots will no longer be able to have Traits or Aspirations modified in Create a Sim. You are a real Sim to me Robot friend, you are to me.

If a Sim already knows about the Secret Society, is it still a secret? Time will tell.

Outdoor Retreat

Herbalism recipes can now work while Off-The-Grid, however only on Off-The-Grid supported stoves.

Dine Out

Random NPCs will not leave Hamburgers on tables at restaurants anymore. As much as we like to receive free food, we don’t think it is proper to get them randomly from a stranger.

Vampires

Vampire Sims working on the Master Vampire Aspiration will no longer have the task “Survive for an Additional 20 Days as a Vampire” reset after traveling.

Vampire Sims with Full Sun Resistance are now able to properly tend to gardens and not tend to plants one at a time.

Fixed an issue in which you could set the Registered Vampire Lair Lot Trait for Venues.

Vampire child ears can now be changed after being aged-down from adult Dark Form.

The Rustic Candle Chandelier now has flame effects on the candles.

Jungle Adventure

Fans/Stans will no longer follow their adored celebrity into the jungles of Selvadorada.

Realm Of Magic

Spellcasters have regained access to Styled Looks.

Fixed an issue in which a Tank Top belonging to this pack was not categorized correctly in Create a Sim.

Hot Tubs that have been upgraded to unbreakable will no longer be broken upon performing the Zipzap Spell.

A Spellcaster is never not in vogue, but it’s always nice to have options.

Moschino

We fixed an issue in which some hotkeys in Photo Mode (particularly E and Q) were not working.

After popular demand, the Libearian bookend will now cost Simoleons. Nothing’s for free, nothing’s for freeee... take it away!

Tiny Living

Murphy beds will now be more resilient after first use. Warranty terms pending.

Fixed an issue in which Game Consoles were not usable with the all in one entertainment systems.

Fixed an issue in which Hair Styles from this pack appeared with their color swatches out of order in Create a Sim.

Fixed an issue in which Sims could not Put Bed Up their Murphy Beds after WooHoo.

We have also adjusted their pricing and comfort levels, bang for your buck!

Now the “Media Marathoner All on the Wall” will be actually the Media Marathoner All on the Wall.

[greenheartart]

Monster Food Theories (part 1)

(A multi-part essay because I love world-building.)

Monster food is a pretty central theme of Undertale  From Toriel’s pies to Papyrus’s spaghetti to Asgore’s tea, it seems like monsters express their affection for others through food just like humans do.  If they like someone (or want the other person to like them), they try to feed them.  It’s a really nice detail that helps us connect to the characters.

But in a broader sense of the story, what monsters eat and how they get that food has major implications about their whole culture and society, including how the Underground started off, how it evolved over time, and how it functions during the time the game is set in.

There’s a lot to unpack so I’m going to be breaking this into multiple parts.  To start off, let’s talk about what monster food might be made of...

Undertale brings up the topic of food fairly often.  It’s one of the better explained aspects of the game, especially since we’re given this helpful info dump by one of the patrons at Grillby’s fairly early on:

So we learn that monster food is distinctly different from human food in how it acts.  Even though it might be something as familiar as a burger and fries, their version of the food doesn’t spoil, doesn’t need to digest, and is converted immediately into energy without any waste.  So, it’s clearly magical in nature.

Does that mean monster food is pure magic?  Is it something that monsters can just sit down and create, the same way they can make bullets and other attacks?

I don’t think so.  I don’t see any evidence in the game that this is what’s happening.

Instead, I think monsters rely on regular physical food crops just as much as humans do.

Why?

A machine in Alphy’s room, a few lines of dialogue about sea grass, and the limited array of food available in the Underground.

Let’s start with what we know for sure.

Through several conversations sprinkled around the game, we get some solid information about the machine and the sea grass (or sea-grass, or seaweed... it changes depending on who’s talking about it.)

(call dialogue from room_water4)

Undyne: This is the room where I first spotted you. You have NO idea how many spears I wanted to throw!!! But, um, that sea- grass is under scientific protection.

(call dialogue from room_water9)

Papyrus: WATCH YOUR STEP! UNDYNE REALLY CARES ABOUT THIS GRASS FOR SOME REASON.

Undyne: If it wasn't for that grass, I'd have kicked your... Uh, if not for that grooty, I'd have kicked your booty. 

(call dialogue from room_water_nicecream)

Undyne: Ugh, ice cream!? Sugary... COLD... Talk about GROSS. Now this chilly pink stuff that Alphys makes me... THAT rules!!! 

And then on the date with Alphys...

Alphys is making ice cream and she needs a physical ingredient to do so.  What’s more, she seems invested in making sure that the (apparently) wild-growing crop she’s using doesn’t get destroyed, enough that she enlists Undyne to help protect it. If something happens to the seagrass/seaweed, Alphys can’t make her special ice cream anymore.  

From this, I'm making a logical jump and saying that all monster food must originate from physical crops.

This idea is supported by the limited types of foods we see in the Underground.  If monsters were able to create anything they could think of out of pure magic, we would see a whole rainbow of different types of foods, and probably a lot of brand new foods they would have invented all on their own throughout the years.  Instead, we mostly see simple, familiar dishes, several of which share the same staple ingredients.

Based on that, it feels reasonable to say that monsters need to maintain physical crops in order to make food for themselves, and their food options are based off of an extremely limited array of crops they have access to.  But while these crops are physical, they also must be inherently infused with magic somehow in order to make them different from human food crops from the get-go.  Otherwise non-magical human food would be widely available in the Underground alongside monster food, and that doesn’t seem to be the case.  

(In the next part I’ll get into what sorts of crops and livestock might exist in the Underground based off the food we come across in the game, why they might be inherently infused with magic, and how that all might have come about.  Thanks for reading!  I hope you enjoyed the theory!)

[shortace]

The Adventures of Gloop and Angry Hamster in the Dimension of Fire Unfamiliar Environment with a Kid Who’s Going To Get Fired

Gloop was pretty smart for a goldfish. It came, he thought, of spending too much time in close proximity to Myles Fowl. That alone, however, would have done nothing; it took the intermediary efforts of the trans-species polyglot Beckett for anything Myles said to make any sense to Gloop. 

Angry Hamster wasn’t very smart, even for a sculpture made of shredded IQ tests held together with saliva. He was too busy being angry because he couldn’t figure out which number came next after 37, 34, 31, 28. Gloop could have told him the answer was 25, of course, and Myles would have informed him that IQ tests really only measure how good you are at standardised tests but his was 170 thank you very much. But Angry Hamster never thought to ask. He wasn’t that smart. 

Dolphin was a dolphin, and exactly as smart as a dolphin.

The sun shone, and a light breeze played with the tips of the waves. No record survives concerning the nature of the game, but possibly Tic-Tac-Toe. What we do know is that the ocean won. The ocean always does.

But Dolphin, leaping and frolicking, cared nothing for the breeze, or the sunshine, or the Tic-Tac-Toe. Her only concern was to have no concerns. And she was remarkably good at it. 

The low hum of a far-off boat reached Dolphin's ears, but she paid it no mind. It wasn't her concern.

Inside Villa Eco, young Myles Fowl was trying to comfort his twin brother Beckett. He wasn’t very good at it, as he often failed to grasp that emotions do not respond to logic.

'She's a wild animal, Beck,' he said again. 'She does wild things.'

'But she said she'd be there!' Beckett insisted. 'Dolphins don't break promises, brother.'

'Your sample size is one,' Myles pointed out, Beckett having only ever met one dolphin, and Myles remained unconvinced that actual communication had taken place, making ‘met’ seem the wrong word for the encounter. 'That is insufficient data to draw a conclusion regarding the reliability of the species.'

'I just know she's in trouble.'

Myles thought that 'just knowing' was poor research methodology, but he just sighed. 'We'll wait for her again tomorrow. Now come on, it's lunch time, and we need energy for our growing brains.'

Gloop, in his bowl, let out a nervous 'Gloop.' He hadn't understood all of the twins' conversation, but he could tell that Beckett was worried and it had something to do with his new dolphin friend. Even though dolphins were mammals, not fish, somewhere deep inside all aquatic creatures was a sympathy with all the rest, and like Beckett, he hoped that Dolphin was okay.

Dolphin was not okay. 

Off the coast of Dalkey Island, a fishing boat loitered. The pilot was sleeping off a bout of food poisoning - which, frankly, served him right for many of his illegal and immoral practices. On deck was a single underpaid, unqualified, and underage employee. Not for him a certificate in aquaculture, nor one in first-aid aboard ship. Moby Dick, though, he had read several times: quite an achievement for any adult, let alone a fifteen year old. The boy did his best to make up for his shortcomings with pure enthusiasm, and had, a few moments earlier, cast out a line with a complete lack of precision and the wrong bait. This wouldn’t normally be much of a problem, as tuna fish aren’t known for being overly fussy, but in this case Dolphin happened to be having a wonderful time just off the stern of the boat, and she wasn’t fussy either. 

The bait was disappointing, tasting stale and dull, and it had something hard and sharp inside it. It hurt Dolphin’s mouth. This would not stand. What sort of ocean gods would provide food like this? Dolphin raised her voice in complaint. 

Sound travels faster in water than it does through the air, so it wasn’t long before Dolphin’s podmates heard her whistles and clicks. Roughly translated, she had said: ‘This fish is bad and it hurts my mouth; send me the manager.’ Her podmates laughed and mocked her, a series of clicks that traveled all the way to the shores of Dalkey Island, where Beckett stood listening. 

Gloop’s laps of the fishbowl slowed slightly as he devoted more energy to his brain. Dolphin was in trouble, and NANNI wouldn’t let Myles and Beckett put to sea. Gloop was going to have to solve this problem on his own. It was a bit harder than figuring out what came next after 37, 34, 31, 28, but not for nothing was he the smartest goldfish in Ireland and perhaps the world. He would have to enlist some help.  

‘Brother mine, what are you putting in the fish tank?’ Myles asked wearily. He had written multiple treatises on the biology and psychology of twins, and perhaps his most important conclusion was that love and exasperation could, and generally did, co-exist. His second most important conclusion was that doubling the calorific intake of one twin could not sustain the other; Beckett had simply bulked up while Myles’ stomach rumbled miserably. He would not be repeating that experiment.

‘It’s a scaled-down version of your water filtration system, attached to a swimming suit,’ Beckett said proudly. ‘Gloop is going to sea, and he needs fresh water.’ 

‘There is only one Gloop, and two filtration systems,’ Myles pointed out.

Beckett held aloft the second unit. ‘This one’s for Angry Hamster. Look, NANNI fixed it to make air for him!’

‘Beck, Angry Hamster can’t swim.’ 

‘Gloop will help him. He told me.’ 

‘Is this about your dolphin friend?’ 

‘Yes, Myles; Gloop and Angry Hamster are going to rescue her!’ Beckett beamed. ‘NANNI has no joooo-ris-tic-shun over them!’ 

Myles had been playing vocabulary lists to his brother while he slept, hoping he might learn subliminally; he was pleased that it seemed to be working, but less pleased about this plan. ‘That is true,’ he acknowledged, ‘but Angry Hamster is made of paper and saliva. He will disintegrate in water.’ 

Beckett demonstrated the watertight suit he had had NANNI design for him. It was monogrammed with a cursive AH on each side. ‘Angry Hamster wants to go.’

Myles sighed. ‘Very well, brother. How are they going to get into the ocean?’ 

‘I will flush them down the toilet,’ Beckett proclaimed.

Beck!’ 

‘Kidding, brother!’ Beckett laughed at his brother’s shocked expression. ‘I will carry them to the beach and throw them in. Gently.’ Despite his boisterous nature, Beckett had a deep empathy and was perfectly capable of being gentle if circumstances required. Myles imagined that introducing two very different non-sea creatures equipped with untested suits into a marine environment counted as circumstances that required it. 

Beckett was as good as his word, and Gloop and Angry Hamster safely - if nervously - entered the waves from the Fowl’s private beach. To Myles, Beckett seemed to be making a series of very strange noises, but Gloop and Angry Hamster each heard ‘Fishing boat, southeast! Good luck!’ 

Being small creatures in a big and strange new world, Gloop and Angry Hamster did not swim particularly fast. They did their small best, though, with Gloop encouraging his papery friend. Angry Hamster got along in a sort of wriggly doggy-paddle, and NANNI’s suits withstood the challenge. Both animals were kept safe and breathing in their own special ways. 

In a matter of hours they had caught up with the fishing boat. Angry Hamster was exhausted, and if the boat’s pilot had not been unwell, he would never have made it. If our heroes understood the concept of food poisoning, they would be very glad for it. The boat remained idle. Angry Hamster was able to cling to the side with one claw, even though it was hard to grip through the material of his suit, and hold up Gloop with another, allowing them both to rest. 

As they rested, Gloop and Angry Hamster heard a voice above them. Angry Hamster could make nothing of it, but Gloop caught the drift of it. If either of them had a full comprehension of English, what they heard would have been something like this: ‘I don’t think this is a tuna fish. It doesn’t look tuna-y. I think it’s a dolphin. I’m going to be fired. I’m in so much trouble. What do I do? What would Ishmael do?’ all the accompaniment of pacing footsteps and heavy breathing.

Gloop caught ‘dolphin’ several times, as well as ‘fired’. He knew two meanings of the word fire: one was hot and burny, and the other was fast and deadly. Neither sounded good for Dolphin. He tried to convey his concern to Angry Hamster, but the fragmented analogy question on the hamster’s back was itchy and he couldn’t scratch it through NANNI’s suit. This, combined with hunger and exhaustion, was making him very angry. He let out a wild screech and clawed his way frantically up the side of the boat and onto the deck. 

The pacing, muttering boy stopped pacing and muttering at the sight of a wet-suited paper-mache hamster climbing on board. He began to wonder if food poisoning was contagious, and if hallucinations were a common symptom. Angry Hamster took advantage of the hesitation to launch himself at the boy’s face, screeching. What he was trying to say was ‘For the love of all the gods, scratch my back!’ But what the boy heard was tantamount to ‘I’m going to claw your face off!’

Gloop knew he had to act fast. High jump is not commonly practiced among small domestic fish, but with determination and a rudimentary understanding of geometry, much can be accomplished even by the smallest of animals. He swam away from the boat to give himself a run-up - or rather, a swim-up - and followed Angry Hamster’s lead in launching himself on deck. 

The poor boy fainted on the spot. 

To one side of the deck lay Dolphin, tangled in fishing lines and nets, flopping weakly. Dolphins can survive several hours out of the water, if it isn’t too hot or dry, and Gloop was relieved to see that, although she was clearly tired and uncomfortable, Dolphin was unhurt and should make a full recovery. But first they had to get her back into the water, which meant getting her out of those nets. 

Gloop knew who had the perfect teeth to gnaw through fishing lines. What he didn’t know was how to convey that instruction to Angry Hamster, who was currently scuttling around the deck looking for something he could scratch his back against - and whose teeth were still enclosed in NANNI’s watertight suit. Angry Hamster finally found a scratching post in the form of a tackle box. It had a sharp corner which dug in through the suit and hit the sweet spot perfectly. Angry Hamster was, briefly, less angry as he scratched. But his suit was meant to withstand water pressure, not tackle boxes. It ripped open, and Angry Hamster wriggled his way out of it. On some level he understood that this was undesirable, and he turned to look apologetically at Gloop.

But Gloop was overjoyed now that Angry Hamster’s teeth were free. He mimed chewing, gnawing, and pointed with a fin at the nets surrounding Dolphin. Chewing comes naturally to hamsters, so Angry Hamster understood immediately, and abandoned his tackle box. It was the work of moments to chew through the lines holding Dolphin on deck. Before she let herself slide back into the ocean, Dolphin took a moment to slap the recovering fisher boy with a fin. 

‘Hey!’ he protested weakly, but she was already gone.

‘There, brother.’ Myles and Beckett stood on the beach on Dalkey Island, looking out to the southeast. Myles had just spotted Dolphin scything through the waves towards them. ‘I told you she would be okay.’

‘And I told you Gloop and Angry Hamster would save her.’ Beckett handed the binoculars to his twin, to let him see the small goldfish swimming furiously beside the dolphin, and the slightly mushy hamster riding on her back. 

THE END (probably)