#anyhow i lost a whole train of thought i wanted to add so have all this for now and enjoy~

[rainbowbutterfrosting]

The Revived - Chapter 22: Preparations

This is chapter 22 of the Dream SMP multichapter fic @dramaticsnakes​ and I wrote together! I hope you’ll enjoy!

AO3

Read in order (on Tumblr)

Characters in this chapter: Wilbur, Ghostbur

Word count: 3,093

Cw: pain, brief loneliness, implied derealization

Fic summary: Wilbur was alive, and it was such a magnificent feeling, that made his mind spark with anticipation. It didn’t take long, however, for Wilbur to realize that this new breath of life, was not just his own. An echo-y voice hides in the back of his mind, and before he knows it, the transparent version of him he saw at the endless train station, is a lot more ingrained than he’d expected him to be.

And Wilbur really shouldn’t care. Because he’d be damned, if he spent the life he’d awaited for so long, babysitting a lost cause of a ghost, stuck in the very same limbo Wilbur spent so long in. It was an even exchange, and one Wilbur wasn’t going to mess with. Why exactly he ends up setting out to get the ghost out of his mind, in order to save the both of them, however, is beyond him. And perhaps Wilbur’s past isn’t as easy to leave behind, as he’d hoped it would be.

Wilbur was somewhat thankful that the early morning interaction had been disheveled enough, for Wilbur not to have been asked to leave. It was kind of funny really, that even though Wilbur had been caught trespassing where he shouldn’t, the young boy had been far too distracted to kick him out. Far too confused and awkward. It seemed to be a general trend whenever Ranboo was talking to him.

Though perhaps Wilbur couldn’t act as if he was above that awkwardness, as he hadn’t even gotten around to asking exactly what kind of party it was. He assumed however, for natural reasons, that if it was a party for a toddler, presents for said toddler would be involved. Regardless, Wilbur didn’t think giving a present to a child would be looked down upon in any case. If anything, it might repair what he previously damaged. Even if it was an infinitesimal amount, it could still help.

“Oh oh oh! What should we get him?” Ghostbur asked excitedly, “What does he like? Red, gold, nether things, books…” He chuckled as he jokingly added, “Us! We could wrap ourselves in a present.”

Wilbur chuckled despite himself. “We could,” he said with a smile, feeling a bit of exhaustion dragging at him, but finding it easier and easier to ignore. “Let’s see if there’s anything we can use in these chests.”

Wilbur rummaged through them for a while, only managing to find four gold ingots that could perhaps interest the child. He briskly crafted them into a pair of gold boots that he figured would suit Michael’s size. He narrated the action to Ghostbur as he did it.

“They’re like rubber boots!” Ghostbur had commented excitedly.

“Mhm.”

“Oh, I have an idea!” 

“Shoot,” a smile lingered in his voice as he grabbed a dark gray satchel nearby. It was light-weight and durable. Perfect for a gift or two. He carefully put the golden boots inside it as Ghostbur rambled on cheerfully.

“So, hear me out. I’ve got the best idea ever in the whole universe. We should make him a card! He can hold and look at it, and you can be nice in it too!”

Wilbur walked downstairs, grabbing some sugar cane from the farm as he quickly pressed it into paper. A quill sat nearby as he picked it up. “Alright, so a simple message…” Wilbur’s voice trailed off.

“Okay, how about, ‘Oh, Michael, you are the most amazing person to exist and I hope you continue existing forever.’”  

Wilbur looked into the air as if he was on The Office. “Or we could go with something more general.”

“I gotcha! We can do ‘You are the most amazing person to exist and you are so cool that I hope you continue existing forever.’”

“First of all, I thought I said more general, not less.”

“I did make it more general! I removed Michael’s name from it.”

Wilbur facepalmed gently so it wouldn’t hurt Ghostbur. “I meant for it to be less… emotional? I don’t think that’s the right word, but I want the card to be neutral.”

Ghostbur hummed in agreement. “Okay. We can say ‘I feel neutral about your existence, but I do agree that you chose to exist at this current time, and by the way, you are also very cool.’”

Wilbur sighed, “I’ll take over the writing.” He narrated the words on the paper, “Dear Michael, The world will be at your feet someday! But for now, it's just these gold boots.” A smile slipped on his face at the words replaying in his mind in company with Ghostbur’s noises of approval.

“Oh can we do a drawing at the bottom? Michael likes drawings.”

Wilbur nodded, “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

Ghostbur excitedly squealed, “Can we- oh my, I have so many good ideas.”

Wilbur chuckled, pleased to hear the ghost being his typical self again. “I can start with drawing Michael?”

Ghostbur clapped, “Yeah! And- and holding hands with him?”

“Sure, just give me one second.” He might have been a leader of a nation and a general for many soldiers, but Wilbur certainly was not an artist. He tried genuinely drawing a face, only for him to scratch it out and get a new paper out and transfer his original message onto it. Instead, he imitated Michael’s drawing style- stick figures. 

He drew playful lines across the bottom of the paper. He eventually formed a small stick person with little pig ears, a big smile, and black boots. He would have colored them, but he didn’t want to risk Michael eating the paper as he did just days ago. 

Next to Michael, he drew a slightly bigger person. Curly hair at the top and a rough trenchcoat around the body. He hesitantly finished the picture with a small smile on his own face. It felt a bit silly to draw like that. To be making a card for a child after everything, drawing handholding and smiles. Yet Ghostbur’s excitement was strangely infectious. It was sort of relieving in a sense, even if Wilbur wasn’t the type to fall for such bright positivity.

“Alright, the drawings are finished.” 

He was about to fold the paper into his pocket when Ghostbur called out, “Wait, did you put any stars on there?”

“No?”

“What kind of drawing is it if there’s no stars?!”

Wilbur sighed quietly as he quickly scribbled some stars in the corners. “Alright, I’m putting it away now-”

“Wait! Did you sign it?”

Wilbur furrowed his brow, “I’m giving it to him. He knows it’s from me.”

Ghostbur pleaded, “But cards always look better if they’re signed. Just a quick, ‘Love, Wilbur and Ghostbur’ makes the card a thousand times better! No- a billion!”

Wilbur sighed as he remained frozen in place before the words settled in. His mind easily processed the ridiculous request, but not the fact that Ghostbur wanted to be signed on the card too. Wilbur should have probably assumed it, but the idea didn’t fully settle with him. “Alright.” The words were quiet as he quickly wrote down, ‘Sincerely, Uncle Wilbur’.

"Is there anything else I need to add?"

"Hmm, I don't think so."

Wilbur gently placed the card in the satchel as he quickly ran up to see the clock once more, but he slightly frowned to see the hour hand still lingering between the four and five. He brushed it off though. He could easily occupy himself anyway. His eyes glazed over the books on the table before he internally groaned at the thought of hitting the books once again. 

He walked over to the table, placing the satchel onto it, before grabbing one of the books before Ghostbur spoke, "Oh, we're reading again?" His voice sounded slightly dismayed.

Wilbur shook his head, "Nah, I'm just putting away some books." Ghostbur made a pleased sound  as Wilbur quietly pushed the leather-bound book back into its spot. 

He sighed quietly at the odd silence of the room. He focused on the ticking of the clock. It

was a nice sound to focus on. It was a constant reminder he was still alive. Even if he wasn't

the happiest in his position, he was alive. 

An alive man that was going to attend a toddler's party with a homemade card that had poorly drawn stickmen inside.

He exhaled sharply through his nose, as he finished putting some of the books away. Most of them held no useful information anyhow, and perhaps leaving them out would appear suspicious, should Tubbo return.

He wondered for a brief moment if Ranboo intended on telling Tubbo about Wilbur’s presence in the bunker. He imagined Tubbo insisting on having a talk as soon as Wilbur arrived. Prime, Wilbur despised talks. He just hoped the awkwardness of the interaction, and Ranboo’s apparent secrecy, was enough for Ranboo to leave it out.

Wilbur walked downstairs, finding that his leg had almost healed during his days in the bunker. He was going to harvest some watermelon, simply to pass the time. As he was about to do so, his eyes fell upon something dusty, peeking out of a chest he hadn’t bothered looking much at before. He knew what it was. He closed his eyes momentarily, to get a hold of his thoughts, before walking to the chest, and taking out a dusty mirror. 

He rubbed the shiny end of it with his sleeve. The mirror was still vaguely cloudy, but it still showed him nonetheless. Well- not exactly him, but rather his body. The man who stared back was nearly unrecognizable with gray bruises scattered along his face that easily complemented the bags under his eyes.

Complement was a rather strong word as all of his features seemed off-putting to him. His greasy hair hung close to his pale-ish skin. He squished his face with one of his hands, truly making sure that his reflection was his own. Of course, the mirror version moved along with him, but he strangely wished it didn’t. 

His mind drifted back to his encounter with Ranboo. Had they really intended on inviting Wilbur to the party in the first place? Or had that been done out of pity?

The only good thing about his reflection was that he couldn’t see the burns along his chin anymore. He touched it gently, finding the skin to be a little softer than before. 

He automatically put the mirror down as he headed towards the shower that laid in the bunker. He stopped two steps away as Ghostbur chimed in, “What time is it over there?”

“Oh… I don’t know.” He was pulled out of his thoughts quite easily as he stayed frozen in place.

Confusion laced Ghostbur’s voice, “You can’t check?”

Wilbur shut his eyes tightly for a moment before taking a sharp breath, “I could, but I have to ask you something.”

Wilbur despised the cheeriness in Ghostbur’s response. “Ask away!”

Images of Wilbur’s face flashed through his own mind as he hesitantly asked, “Alright, Ghostie, there’s not an easy way to bring this up.” Ghostbur hummed in acknowledgement, not wanting to interrupt Wilbur. Despite Wilbur not wanting to continue on, he forced the words out of him, “So- do you know what a shower is?”

“Yeah! It’s one of those plants on the ground with pretty petals.”

A dry chuckle left Wilbur, “No, that’s a flower.”

“Oh. Is it what Tubbo uses in baking?”

Wilbur sighed this time, “No, that’s wheat flour.” As Ghostbur was about to give another guess, Wilbur cut him off, “I’ll just tell you.”

Ghostbur sounded slightly dismayed at his refused answers, “Alright.”

“Alright. Alright,” the words were quiet in his mind as he forced himself back on track. “A shower is something people do to get clean. They use soap and… water to do this.”

“Aww, I was about to guess that too.”

“Right.” It was now or never. “I think I need to take a shower.”

“Okay!”

Wilbur furrowed his brow, “You’re… okay with me taking a shower? You know it’s going to require water, right?”

Ghostbur’s breath hitched at the realization. “Ah. I thought you meant soap or water.”

Wilbur exhaled, the tension flowing through his body. “Yeah.”

“So why do you need to take one? I know people in general do it, but you can explain to him that water hurts me.”

Wilbur shook his head, “He can’t know about you.”

Child-like curiosity filled Ghostbur’s voice, but it was slightly dimmer than what it should have been, “Why?”

Wilbur pursed his lips. It was too risky to describe in words. With how little trust Tubbo had in Wilbur, it would most likely foil their plans of Ghostbur’s escape. The suspicion and worry in Tubbo’s eyes wouldn’t temporarily go away at a joke. There wouldn’t be a moment alone with his thoughts as everyone whispered about the mind of his. They wouldn’t say anything bad either, just harsh truths that hurt more than he’d like to imagine. The truths he thought he could escape by finishing his unfinished symphony. 

Wilbur’s failed nation transitioned to a mind that couldn’t go a day without the desperate need to talk to someone again. The need for someone to reassure him he was alive and he wasn’t imagining something in the train station again. He was quite imaginative in there. He made fantasy worlds with so many new people, but at the end of the day, he imagined Tommy by his side laughing or cooking breakfast with Tubbo again. 

On the rougher days, he would imagine Fundy there. Sometimes he talked about his problems to him, only to cry harder when he remembered his son wasn’t actually there. Or he would imagine Niki running a hand through his hair, telling him all the things he needed. He’d been without that real warm touch for thirteen years that holding himself made a shaky sob leave. It had been pathetic of him to imagine such things, but the silence got to you after a few years, after he had spent a long time growing bitter. No one could see him anyway, so maybe it hadn’t counted at all, as he thought about those potential blissful moments.

The moments he never got. Perhaps he was still at the train station after all, the slight buzz of the lights being the only noise he could hear. No one laughed with him when he came back. The most he got was a dry chuckle that he happened to witness. There was no one to hold or listen to him. Not a single person smiled at his return. He was alone in the train station he thought he escaped days ago.

Tears blurred his vision as he wrapped his arms around himself. He pushed his body against a wall as he slid down it. The gray wall that accompanied the gray floors and flickering fluorescent lights. The tunnel that didn’t stop seemed to stop his mind. It blocked him in every direction that led to happiness before his murmuring thoughts entered.

It took a moment to realize it wasn’t his thoughts, but rather an echoy version of them. “Wilbur? Is everything okay?”

Wilbur swallowed back a cry. “Yeah,” his voice shook for a moment as he tried to breathe normally. “Sorry I spaced out for a second.” There wasn’t a train station. He wasn’t back there. He was in the bunker. “What were you saying?”

Ghostbur quietly answered, “Nothing. Oh- earlier you said you wanted to take a shower?”

The words brought Wilbur back to a more tangible reality. “Right…” he said with a nod, pushing himself up from the ground, his posture wavering slightly. He swallowed something in his throat. “Are you… Are you okay with that?” he quickly added, “I’ll make it as brisk as I can I promise! It’ll mostly be to wash my hair, and to look and smell just a little more presentable.”

Ghostbur had very little reason to trust him. Wilbur was incredibly aware of that at this point, his promises losing all meaning at his forgetfulness, or plain dishonesty. “Of course. Just- Just don’t take too long please.”

“I won’t,” Wilbur said. “I promise,” he repeated, trying to add as much weight to the words as he could. Engrave them, so his mind wouldn’t drift away from it. To keep his mind from drifting away in general.

Gently he put his clothes aside, placing the familiar old trenchcoat and blouse in a little pile. He had associated the outfit with himself for so long, that looking at it apart from him, was almost surreal. Slowly, he walked into the shower. He put the temperature to be as cold as he could, unsure if there would even be hot water in a bunker like this. It would serve as a good reminder that he should make this quick. “I am going to turn it on now. It’ll… It’ll probably reach my entire body.” 

“Okay…” Ghostbur said. Wilbur caught himself missing the excitement from when they were making the card together. Frivolous. 

He placed his hand on the shower knob and turned it, careful not to let his hand too much under the water. It proved to be a rather needless endeavor though, as his face and body were immediately drenched in cold water. He immediately shivered from the feeling as he felt his movements become jittery and robotic. He heard hurried breaths from his mind, and whimpers of pain, though it was surprisingly silent this time around.

Wilbur let his hand through his hair, massaging his scalp. He grasped some soap next to the shower, and mixed some into his hair and on his body, quickly using the water to wash it off. His heart was beating fast, as he rushed to turn the knob once more, some soap still lingering on a few strands of hair. He bolted to the other side of the room, to dry all the remaining water off with a towel, almost as if the uncomfortably cold water was burning him too. The second he could no longer find a drop he let out a few breaths. “There we go. Done.”

Ghostbur took a moment before he replied, his own breathing calming down as well. “Okay… Okay, that’s good! T-thank you.”

Wilbur cringed slightly at the gratitude, not entirely certain what he was being thanked for. “Of course,” he said quietly, his breathing quite obvious and echo-y in the empty room. He suddenly realized that he missed the ticking of the clock. He shook his head, and put on his clothes again, unsure if the warmth they brought was comfort or something that settled heavier in his chest. He didn’t have time to dwell on it.

He walked out of the room, grabbing the satchel with Michael’s present in it. He glanced at the clock once more, finding that it was only around 5:30am. He stood in the middle of the bunker for a good minute, closing his eyes tightly, and holding on to the sound of the clock. When he opened his eyes once more, they settled on the potions he brewed over the past few days. There weren’t many, but they comforted him nonetheless. He absent-mindedly packed three strength potions into the satchel, perhaps planning on giving some to Tubbo and Ranboo as a gift. 

Then, with determined steps he started walking towards the exit. It felt as if a weight was slightly lifted as he walked out the bunker, though he had grown so used to the weight that he wasn’t sure if that was comforting to him or not. Once he found himself in Pogtopia, he decided to focus on the ground beneath his feet, rather than the buttons lining the walls.

When the sun reached Wilbur’s face, the rays seemed to make his vision less blurry in a sense. The darkness that was so welcoming before, and still called to him, was shoved away in favor of the sunrise.

He remembered right then, when he had declared the first sunrise he saw when he returned, his sunrise. A reminder of life, and opportunity. He stared at the bright sky for a little while. Gently, he placed the satchel on the ground, the glass bottles quietly clinging against each other, and sat down in the grass next to it. He breathed the air into his lungs, as his shoulders untensed. He watched the sunrise intently, as he waited for the party to approach.

[canonicallysoulmates]

Walker 1.14

This was good- it is kinda noticeable that this episode was not in the original plans for the season because remember this season was supposed to wrap up with episode 13 then they got picked up for more epis, so it has this slight filler-ish/bonus episode feel to it in my opinion. But it was good, it's like a little day in the life of these characters which made for a pretty chill hour of tv; nothing too exciting or massive happens but time was evenly divided between the characters and we see some of the different storylines being touched upon.

So what's happening in this episode...

The family is still trying to cope with the traumatic experience they went through and Hoyt's death. All of them are a mess, Stella is being consumed by guilt cause she feels like it's her fault, Abeline wants to protect her family, Bonham is losing himself in fixing up the ranch, Liam's not sure he wants to continue his campaign, August wants to cling to the few things his uncle left behind, Cordell and Geri are also dealing with guilt, and even Micki gets kind of caught up in this because Cordell took a leave of absence so she is temporarily left without a partner which makes her be passive aggressive to Cordell because she's too used to him being there.

Throughout the episode we see their grief and how they're dealing with things; Geri found out Hoyt was in the process of purchasing a plot of land but not just any piece of land it was one he and Geri had passed by once and she had commented it'd be a nice place to settle down 😭 Hoyt was too good for you Geri, he was too good for you.

Anyways, the deal fell through when Hoyt passed but he still had some personal belongings there that Geri had to go pick up before the new owners arrive so she asks Cordell to help her out and tells him to bring the kids along cause maybe the change of scenery will help them.

So, he signs his leave of absence, they take off and...what Hoyt left was 4 horses...and an alpaca they thought was a llama which Cordell wasn't exactly thrilled about he even tried to get rid of the alpaca and that was a whole thing because these are one of the few things Hoyt left behind so the kids, especially August, are adamant about keeping these animals that belonged to the uncle they loved, and lost in a very traumatic way. Cordell ends up having a change of heart, he realizes he was wrong to give away the alpaca so he goes to find it and turns out the alpaca is a girl and was in labor, she had a baby girl... which they end up naming Hoyt.

There's a couple moments between Cordell and Geri cause you know they still have that awkwardness of the kiss they shared and then Hoyt's death made things worse and I must say after everything that has happened I am so on the the nope train when it comes to those two hooking up, no thank you I don't like it, I don't want it. It just seems inappropriate and wrong.

Also, somehow Trevor is still in contact with Stella, I feel like there should be lawyers on either side advising against that, or at the very least somebody telling her to change her phone. But she ends up taking advice that Geri had given her, and she tells him she can't visit, that she needs to let go of the past and tells him goodbye. Good for you, Stella.

There is a sort of case in this episode; a veteran that Trey has PT with went missing and since he knows the dude well and he was one of the last people he was seen with Captain James asks him to help out, and Micki volunteers as well so we get to see a bit of Trey and Micki working together which was really nice. The case was pretty predictable, the person that went missing was about to lose their home so they got into underground fighting to make quick cash. However, there is a hilariously unrealistic moment when they go to where the fight is being held, and Micki and Captain James are dressed head to toe in their work uniforms, there is no way in hell that two cops are gonna casually stroll into an underground fight ring where they're even gambling and get info, those people would have fled like rats, hell there probably would have even been somebody outside making sure the authorities don't show up but maybe things work differently in Texas 😂

Anyhow, the guy they're looking for can't fight because of his CET, so Micki fights in his place (but not before Trey volunteers and takes his shirt off thank you script writer 🤤) which was awesome to see and I wish we had gotten more of; also I must make the note that as somebody who watches SEAL Team and was left scarred by the episodes they did about TBI's in war veterans seeing this show be so casual about this vet having brain trauma makes me want to scream.

While all this is going on, back at the ranch Liam is still recuperating and he's being pestered by journalists. Abeline is taking care of him but it's clear she needs a break so Bonham calls Stan whose existence I tend to forget. And while Stan is with Liam, Bonham offers to go mushroom hunting with her because he knows it's something that means a lot to his wife. Which leads to the cutest scene of them just giggling on the floor together, it's so adorable.

Oh, there's also this small side thing where Bonham didn't want to get cancer treatment but then he ends up deciding to do so.

Stan...is actually a really decent dude, even though Liam is his political rival he encourages him to stay on the race and even gives him his first campaign donation. Also, Liam might get back together with Brett cause he found out what happened and wants to talk, good luck to them they were cute together.

Then it all ends with a cute scene between Cordell and Micki where they hug and he calls her family ❤

And because Hoyt's death didn't hurt enough the final shot is Cordell realizing that ingrained into the gate of the new alpaca area it says it's in memory of Hoyt, show I'm already sad about that death why do you add to it 😭

All in all, solid episode, like I said very day in the life which personally I don't mind especially since the last episode was so massive it's nice to get something a little more mellow before we get back into big plot lines.

[silver-wield]

What's your thoughts on when the plate falls and Cloud went to go help Tifa?

My thoughts or my analysis? Cause you’re getting the latter anyway lol I love doing action analysis, there’s so much happening and getting the chance to slow it down is great for getting a fuller picture.

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Other analyses if anyone’s interested.

Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis) 

Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog) 

Tifa character analysis 

Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory – I should probably update this since I’ve had other ideas since then) 

Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti) 

Clotiscrew tunnel analysis 

Cloti reunion analysis 

The Promise Analysis 

Andrea’s approval (Cloti ask response) 

Leslie analysis (not mine, but a good read) 

Cloti action touching 

Aerti friendship analysis 

Cloti body language chapter 3 

Cloti healthy disagreement 

Cloti post heliboss battle (chapter 15) 

Clerith playground scene 

Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.

Recap time!

This is a 6m scene I'm going over, so I'm gonna skip anything not directly relevant or I'll be here all night lol

So despite our brave heroes best efforts the plate is coming down. We get a power slide from Rude, a call from Tseng (who times it so perfectly was he watching?) and some cloti.

First thing we see if Tifa looking distraught. She has no idea how to stop the plate from coming apart and from the way she's looking at this consol wouldn't know what to do even if she could work the computer. They were so close to winning and now defeat is about to stomp all over them and kill everyone she loves. Tifa is someone whose driven by the desire for those she loves to be safe no matter what. This is a crushing moment for her.

Murderous Cloud is murderous (and kinda hot). I mean, we know he's got very little reservations about killing people in cold blood because he's SOLDIER!Cloud when it comes to a fight, but I do like the deadly intent we see on his face at different points in the game. He looked at Johnny a bit like this back in chapter 3 and now he's looking at Reno the same way. He means business.

And then he doesn't because Tifa's in trouble and we all know Real!Cloud prioritises Tifa's safety above everything else. That's not me saying he's no longer SOLDIER!Cloud, but the difference between the last screen and this is that he was fully in that badass merc mode about to kill Reno because it's what badass mercs do, whereas this is Real!Cloud urging him to refocus all that skill he's got into protective ability and go save the woman he loves.

I get some people might not see the distinction between the two personas, but it's actually really easy when you break it down. If it's about Tifa then Real!Cloud is gonna push for dominant action to keep her safe. If it's any other situation then he's just gonna let SOLDIER!Cloud do what he needs to. Sometimes it's a more conscious battle between the two and sometimes they co-operate. That's how a fractured psyche works within the context of Cloud's character. Don't believe me? You see both of them on screen at the start of chapter 8 in the church. Real!Cloud is the one saying “You okay, buddy?”

How many times can you count that we get an 1st person pov with Cloud in the whole game? Like literally looking through his eyes? Because this is 1st person pov. We are Cloud at this moment in time and he's rushing Rude, but still takes a glance at Tifa. I don't think this happens at any other point. This game is a 3rd person game. We're over everyone's shoulder. We don't get in their head to see through their eyes. This is deliberate framing. We obviously can't see his face or his reaction, but the fact we're seeing this moment as Cloud and he's chosen to look at Tifa is a big thing.

So Rude's pushed the button and Barret's yelling. Cloud actually looks more halfhearted in this swing than I expected. It's like Barret's fury just isn't enough to get his blood boiling lol

He's about to go after him anyway, when Tifa's voice stops him dead. I can't think of a moment in the game where someone else calling for him to stop actually makes him stop.

AH! Honestly this is such a move! Romantic hero hello! I know it's a classic move from Cloud – which is kindly weirdly implemented since we first saw it after OG, but it's been retconned as one of his signature moves with Tifa and only Tifa.

Also! EYE CONTACT! I'm gonna scream about Cloti eye contact until my own eyes cross lol they do eye contact so damn well! The only other person who got Cloud to look him in the eye was Andrea Rhodea lol Everyone else it's either confrontational eye contact or total avoidance. Cloud and Tifa have good eye contact. This highlights how much they trust each other. Even though Real!Cloud is afraid of letting Tifa know how weak he really is, he's ok with her looking him in the eye. He wants her to see the real him.

Now, I know some people go on about Tifa's chapter 3 comment of “Cloud, you're scaring me/your eyes didn't used to look so” as a negative thing. I've already explained why this is fucking bullshit, and I'd like to add that if Tifa wasn't comfortable with him in combat situations or otherwise she wouldn't make eye contact with him. Eye contact is fucking terrifying! You're able to see so much. These two aren't afraid to look in each other's eyes, even with their “I don't think he/she likes me” misunderstandings.

And just to cap it. They both smile to reassure each other they're ok.

Ok, so Reno and Rude are making their exit. Barret tries the FF7 boomer version of turning a computer off and on again by shooting it. Then Tseng proves he's either psychic, a stalker or just dramatic af by appearing on screen at just the right point to answer Tifa's question.

And look at her face! Whoever said she's a heartless bitch can stfu forever! This is the face of a woman who is broken by what's about to happen! She's lived in that slum for five years. She probably knows every local by name, and takes time to actually get to know them too. She cares. So much. She doesn't want anyone hurt. She's pleading for their lives. Pleading with her enemy. Who literally smirked when he said “there's nothing you can do now”. Tseng has no conscience.

Just adding this to be a butt. This is Cloud's reaction to Aerith when he sees her....what reaction? Yeah...

Then he asks where she is in his SOLDIER!Cloud way.

So Aerith gets dragged away and explosions start happening. A siren goes off. Barret and Cloud turn away from the computer. Tifa turns and says, “No no no no no” and Cloud immediately turns back. His eyes widen and he looks a bit lost for a moment. There's nothing he can do for her and he's not got the first clue anyhow, and there's no time. It's hitting him just how much she cares. I mean, he knew, but he didn't know, you know?

Notice the awkward hand there? Yeah, that's an “I don't know how to comfort you, what do I do?” hand gesture. Cloud's literally never seen Tifa like this. She's always trying her best to remain optimistic. She fights hard to protect what she loves. She doesn't fall to her knees defeated.

I'm actually loving all the extra insight all these analyses are giving me into just how reserved, how introverted, how determined Tifa is. She's had a hard fucking life. Born in a dust bowl, lost all her friends to the big city, saw her father murdered, almost died, her town got burnt to the ground but she still somehow managed to pick herself up and build a new life. She did that on her own. Nobody got her to Midgar. When she arrived she was lucky Marle took care of her. She could've been left alone with no support system. She got in with Avalanche and built a new family – even though they don't always see eye to eye on method, she also believes in their goal to stop Shinra and save the planet. She's principled and brave, focused af. But she's not unbeatable. Stuff gets her down. She tries her best to be cheerful, but doesn't always succeed. She keeps her problems to herself. But this? This is too big. This has broken her. She can't stay up and Cloud doesn't know how to help. Not emotionally, anyway.

OMG HE OFFERED HIS HAND!! I didn't see that before!! (Check the spot where his name is, his hand is between Tifa’s hair and arm, palm open.) I knew he grabbed her by the arm and hauled her up when she didn't move, but he's actually holding his hand out for her before that!! She's too in her head to do anything, though, and I don't think Cloud really understands that. Any devastating feelings he had about personal tragedy he's locked away because they literally broke him. It must be distressing on some level for him to see his own emotions mirrored in Tifa. I said before the urge to comfort her starts at the beginning of chapter 13, but maybe the first spark of that is this moment here, when he can't do a thing for her, except pull her along behind him and hope he can keep her alive.

There's some really nice still shots in this game and this is one of them. I don't really have anything to say about it. I mean, we knew Cloud had both hands on Tifa's shoulders so he could direct her where to go and she's not really with it until the moment the debris falls in front of her and shocks her out of her stupor. Cloud's focused on the job at hand, no time to worry about anything but the next obstacle. By keeping both hands on Tifa's shoulders he's ensured he doesn't have to keep checking on her to make sure she's with him. He's basically piloting her because she's not capable of decision making for the moment.

Someone tell me, do action backhugs count? That's non-optional embracing right there. How many of you have seen this exact moment? Because I have literally been replaying the same 4s clip to get the screen for this bit and this is the first time in about 10 replays that I stopped it here. This is the between 1 second frames when the debris falls.

I mean, this is what a bodyguard actually looks like. Cloud's focus is all on keeping Tifa safe. He pulls her close to him, offers strength while she's feeling weak. He is literally using himself as a shield for her. They're such a balanced couple. When one is weak the other is strong for them, and whatever flaws they have they accept. They really are just a great couple!

Probably the worst screen I've ever grabbed lol

I was trying to figure out the moment he took her hand but I can't quite stop on it and it's just a touch too much out of frame. Instead, I got this. EYE CONTACT. I don't need to explain it again, right? We get the whole Cloud/Tifa eye contact deal by now.

Although, at the same time, that's a fucking scary shot of Cloud lol reminds me of that meme with Rinoa and Squall where she says he's the best looking guy there and it's all pixellated lol

Ah! I remembered why I was trying to get their hands, to see if Tifa grabbed his first or he took hers. But I could see through the playback that he took her hand. He initiated contact.

Yknow, I know people often compare the whole one half is always the summoner or mage and the other half is the warrior, but this screen right here looks a lot like another FF couple.

Tidus and Yuna.

I mean...do I have to say more?

Cloud looks behind to check Tifa's ok – I mean she's not but you get the point. Still getting Tidus and Yuna vibes from this moment tbf. This is the exact same type of sequence they had of them in FFX-2 when Yuna's dreaming Lenne's past and she and Tidus replace Lenne and Shuyin. They're running down a corridor and Tidus looks back at her. I mean, seeing how this type of comparison is usually only reserved for the whole mage/warrior pairing, it's strange that their body language here mirrors Square’s first fully voice acted installment. At the time the graphics were cutting edge and the cut scenes are still lauded as some of the most beautiful storytelling. Strange that Tifa and Cloud could have this comparison to Tidus and Yuna, especially with the whole Suteki da ne always being used to prop up a certain ship.

Anyway, Cloud’s checking on Tifa cause he’s totally not in love with her and wants to make sure she’s safe. You get the idea lol

I'd like to point out that Cloud doesn't – despite popular opinion – have hold of Tifa's jubblies. His arm is under them, wrapped around her ribs, which is actually a very secure hold for him since he's trying to hang onto Barret and keep hold of Tifa too. You'll notice she's not exactly paying attention to her own safety – which makes sense since Cloud literally had to haul her up when she wouldn't move. She's not in a good headspace during the end of this scene, so he's being very protective towards her.

Conclusion

Another great piece of action! I mean, does it really matter if these two are in the trenches or just hanging out? They have a synchronicity that's impossible to deny. They balance each other in pretty much every single way there is for a couple of be two halves of a whole. The FF10 comparison is a new one on me, especially since I don't look at two titles and try to see what about each one is like the other. They're both different and unique with their own charm. But, the second I caught that screen of Cloud pulling Tifa along I was immediately hit by the thought of “That's what Tidus and Yuna do”, so I couldn't not mention it.

We get a clear look at how devastated Tifa is immediately after the realisation hits that sector 7 is about to get crushed. She's just gone. Checked out. If Cloud hadn't stepped up to save her she'd have died. She wouldn't have got herself over to Barret in time and he would've died going to get her and get them back to the zip line. This is why it's so important that Cloud picks up the slack. He was strong when she needed him to be. She's strong for him later when he becomes weak. They really are two halves of one whole. 

I love that Tifa gets her own character development. She’s not just “the love interest”. Barret is basically a supporting character here, but we know he’ll get his turn in Corel and he does get his own moments to shine in Midgar, but this is cloti, so sorry dude, next time.

[exhausted-joy]

INTO THE WOODS [YANDERE!JIMIN] [04]

CHAPTER FOUR.

SYNOPSIS: Park Jimin is your needy, clingy, summer camp cabinmate that both creeps you out and makes you regret ever trying to be socially engaged during your summer break. After submitting truckloads of request forms to switch cabins and getting rejected, you realize that you must swallow your pride and get comfy with your new cabinmate. He hates it and so do you—at least, that’s what you thought. 

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NOTE: Excuse the walls of text. (:

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Camping had never ignited a single spark of interest in you, ever. 

And as you startle awake at the sensation of something trying to crawl its way under your skin and possibly feed off your internal organs, you are suddenly reminded why. Smacking angrily at the already red and irritated spot on your forearm, you sit up and dust off your clothes with a defeated sigh. Why did it have to come to this? What have you done in your past lives to make karma rear its ugly head, turning your life into a never ending series of peril? In a hopeless attempt for closure, you humorlessly strain your ears to listen for some kind of answer, but all you can hear is the incessant buzzing of mosquitoes ready to devour you alive and Jimin’s gentle snores a few feet away.

The fire had long since burned out and ever since the sun had sunk below the horizon, so did the temperature. The wind had picked up a little, whisking away the dreary heatwaves of day and pulling in the biting cold from somewhere far off. Trembling, you pull Jimin’s hoodie on properly and hike up the hood, tugging the drawstrings taut so that only your face is visible. His jacket is warm and inviting; you’re practically swimming in it with the way the sleeves drape far past your hands. You feel like a little kid playing dress-up in her mother’s closet. 

The way that Jimin had given you his jacket made you feel somewhat fuzzy inside. You took heed to the fact that he didn’t have to but did anyways, and it made the butterflies in your tummy erupt in a frenzy for some reason. Despite being at the age where dating was a common phenomenon amongst other peers in your age group, you had never experienced the so-called intimacies of teenage romance. You were never particularly fond of the idea of being so close to someone physically and emotionally, but if there was one thing you were curious about from all the movies and books you have watched and read…

The smell. Grabbing a fistful of the hoodie, you bring it up to your nose and inhale deeply. And sure enough, it smells just like Jimin. Not that you knew what that smelt like before this very moment - you are just curious, is all! His scent is subtle with a twinge of sweetness, and it almost smells floral, in a ‘freshly-baked-citrusy-pastry’ kind of way. It was kind of liberating in a sense; you didn’t expect such a pleasant smell from someone like him and you revel in the aroma of orange blossoms that encompass you so deeply you think you could get high off of it.  

You absentmindedly glance over at his sleeping form, his back facing you and shoulders raising with every soft breath. You’re almost jealous he’s able to sleep so peacefully in these circumstances. He doesn’t move a muscle despite the cool breeze that shifts the strands of his mussed hair and the fact that he’s only wearing a thin white t-shirt is slightly alarming. Looking down at the large hoodie that shyly reaches the middle of your thighs, you start to feel a bit guilty - however, the cold doesn’t seem to bother him anyhow. Jimin is a breed entirely of his own. 

Time ticks by slowly, so slowly that you’ve grown increasingly bored with each passing minute. You hadn’t brought many things with you and you didn’t even think to bring your phone, definitely not knowing you would be stranded out in the middle of the forest for a whole night. Being cut off from civilization sucks, and your brain does little to entertain itself without the stimulation of your electronic friend. You consider waking Jimin up, but you don’t want to disturb his rest after all his caring, albeit awkward, but still caring gestures. It’s best he gets his rest; especially with those bags you’ve seen under his eyes that droop so low that they almost kiss the apples of his cheeks.

You have no idea what time it is, but you make a wild guess that it’s probably around four or five AM with the way the sky is gradually melting into a blue hue that tints the tips of the trees purple. Sighing, you stretch, feeling satisfied at the way your muscles strain to release the heavy tension created from sleeping on the hard forest floor. You decide to try your hand at finding some food, like berries of some sort. That’s usually what happens in those dramatic survival TV shows you watched, where they stumble upon a berry bush only to find out it’s poisonous. You hope that won’t be the case.

Looking around, you settle on which direction to go, even though every which way you look seems the exact same. You suddenly feel a sliver of insecurity coil in your stomach, and you begin to second guess your explorative desires. You don’t want to lose sight of your little campsite in the midst of scouring for food and you don’t even have a phone to call for help from if you venture too deep in the forest. 

Your stomach grumbles in protest. You’re hungry. When’s the last time you ate? You can’t seem to recall, but it certainly feels like forever ago. Biting your lip, you firmly decide that you are doing this for the greater good of feeding both you and Jimin. You absolutely refuse to die of starvation, no way. 

You begin to march off into a random direction. Not even a few steps in, you hear loud shuffling behind you and you nearly jump two feet in the air at the startling sound. You freeze, no longer feeling very adventurous as you slowly turn around. 

And, thankfully, it’s just Jimin. 

You visibly relax, letting out a small sigh of relief. You don’t know why you’ve suddenly become so jumpy lately - maybe it’s the way your nerves had been completely short circuited just the day prior, but you guess that’s just what nature will do to an inexperienced, nonconsensual forest explorer such as yourself. The boy is sitting up now, looking around with glassy, bleary eyes. His gaze lands on you and he gives you what looks to be an uncharacteristic attempt at a small, sleepy smile when he notices the familiar oversized garment bundled around your figure. 

You snort at the way one side of his hair sticks straight up, holding back a laugh in fear of offending him. Jimin takes a second to shake the grogginess off before getting up and stretching just as you had done a few minutes 

before. His expression assumes its natural state of indifference as he adjusts his clothing and runs a hand through his locks to tame them. 

He turns to you, brows creasing as he sees how far away you stand from him, practically at the tree line that circles the clearing in all directions. Jimin takes in your position; halted mid-step, torso twisted around to face him, and belongings all neatly tucked away in the small mini backpack you brought with you. He puts two and two together and tries to hide the searing embarrassment that blazes behind his brown eyes. 

“...Were you leaving..?” Jimin’s voice is quiet and distant, as if he’s withdrawn into himself, sinking back into his shell. You are confused and for a few moments you don’t respond, but soon come to the realization that the way he had caught you must have looked like you were leaving him to be left for dead in the middle of the forest. 

Quickly, you make a move to try and dissolve the incredibly uncomfortable situation, before your lost-in-the-forest partner could convert back into his one-syllable-conversations snailhouse.

“No, of course not!”

You try your best to sound confident, convincing, and possibly not like a child who’s been caught stealing candy. And although your posture would make it possible to think you were in fact leaving, the thought of Jimin assuming so drives pangs of shame and sadness through you. And apparently, it shows on your face.

Jimin’s face, while he doesn’t seem completely convinced yet, softens a bit at the expressions you’re practically wearing for display, although you seem to be trying your best to unsuccessfully hide them. He was already used to people constantly shunning him, to say the least, so how could he have possibly expected you to stay with him all through a cold night, lost in the forest? You’re clearly uncomfortable with being alone with him, otherwise you wouldn’t try to secretly-

“Uhm... I was actually trying to go find us some, you know, food...”

His train of thought is abruptly cut short by your meek reply, and a silver lining of hope glistens on Jimin’s horizon. Did you actually.. mean it? You were going to stay with him after all?

You, however, are praying to whatever higher deity out there Jimin won’t laugh at you for this. You must look like a small child right now, wandering off desperately to in a forest you know nothing about or where to even find any source of nourishment. Suddenly, the forest floor becomes as interesting as never before, and you look down to overcome the embarrassment painted on your face as the air hangs still with no reply for what feels like a century to you.

You shyly glance up at Jimin again, feeling the overwhelming need to pull his sweater tighter around you until you completely disappear inside it. You nestle your face a bit deeper into the soft collar, hoping to hide the bright pink blush dusting your cheeks.

Jimin looks at you impassively, even though on the inside he feels like he’s about to explode. He could tell you were telling the truth, and his heart jumps up to his throat when you cutely try to hide yourself inside his sweater. Wait, cute?

“Oh.” he softly replies, quickly turning his head to avoid eye contact as he pretends to scratch an itch on his nose to obstruct his slowly flushing cheeks from view. What is he thinking all of a sudden? You’re cute? Sure, he enjoyed basking in your company - so much more than he liked to admit - but crushing on you was just too absurd. You would never see him in that way; he was almost certain you wouldn’t have looked twice at him if you weren’t stuck being his cabinmate. 

Jimin shakes his head and mentally squashes his feelings down, wilting his blossoming flower of affection towards you. He hasn’t felt such pining for a long time; it’s almost like his heart is slowly pumping to life the more he sticks around you. But he just can’t seem to control it - there’s an indescribable pull towards you and it seems to grow stronger by the hour. 

“Maybe... Maybe we should try to find our way back. I really don’t want to spend another night here.” Your voice comes out quiet, at first, but it raises firmly when you point out your concerns. Jimin’s gaze is centered elsewhere and he won’t look up to meet your eyes no matter what you do. Slightly concerned, you frown, wallowing uncomfortably in the silence that plagues the air like a bad smell. 

Then he speaks, finally, though somewhat hesitantly as if he wanted to say something else, “I might know a way back.” Internally, you want to scream and jump for joy, just the mere thought of finally escaping this miserable forest making you instantly forget your earlier vexation. You keep it in though, save for the grin that sneaks across your face. 

“Well, let's go then! What are we waiting for?” You’re practically vibrating with excitement, itching to get back and take a nice, long, hot shower and change out of these dirty clothes. Jimin glances up at you, catching sight of the dazzling smile you shoot at him, the darling curve of your lips burning its image into his mind. 

You motion for him to hurry up before you take off into the labyrinth of trees, your smaller form drowning in his jacket. The dark haired boy stands stiff in his spot, completely drunk off the ideas of you and him that swirl around in his mind. 

The budding blossom in his gut gradually begins to sprout from its bed of hopeless desires and blistering fondness, its roots gliding along his ribcage and reaching deep within to take hostage of his tender heart. His bottom lip trembles and he can no longer negate the sentiment he holds for his roommate. 

Jimin takes off after you, head ducking shyly as his athletic figure easily navigates over fallen logs and rocky slopes to catch up with you, the warmth in his chest never ceasing. 

This feeling - he likes it. He really likes it. 

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[guylty]

My annual social media Lent is coming up. From Ash Wednesday I will abstain from Twitter for the next 6 and a half weeks (until Easter Sunday), allowing me to recalibrate a little and concentrate on other things. Such as my blog – or RAnet. That means I need blog fodder. Almost four weeks have passed since The Stranger launched on Netflix. Enough time to assume that most fans and readers have watched the show and will not be spoiled by the discussion of the show. Moreover, some more in-depth discussions have already started in the comments. Last weekend, for instance, we got into the intracacies of the “bar scene” in episode 4 of TS, talking about the casting, costuming and directing of that particular scene and how we, as women of a particular age reacted to that scene.

However, it would probably make more sense to start at the beginning. So anyone who’d like to discuss TS with me, you are welcome to write your observations, reactions and opinions in the comments. I know I am kind of launching into this without announcement. But by doing this episode by episode, I hope you can follow along and catch up with individual episode if need be. I’ll also try and summarise every episode at the beginning of each review post so we know what we are talking about. Hm, I may need to rewatch the show for that. The hardship!!! However, the discussion will probably focus on the plot… eh… Adam. Anyhow, I hope you’ll join me and share your thoughts either here – or your own blog, if you are blogging, too.

The Stranger – Episode 1 Recap

Prior to the trailer, TS starts with teenagers at a bonfire party, culminating in a naked boy escaping through the dark forest. The plot then begins with the Price boys driving in the car to the football club where younger son Ryan is trying out for the A team. While at the club, daddy Adam briefly speaks with his wife Corinne on the phone. She is away at a teachers’ conference while Adam looks after their sons. In the clubhouse, Adam is approached by “a stranger” who reveals a devastating secret to him: His wife faked her pregnancy a couple of years ago. He is shocked and disturbed.

Once back home after football training, Adam can’t resist checking the details the stranger passed on to him, and sure enough, his suspicions are confirmed – there is a credit card payment for a fishy website called Novelty Funsy, and the ultrasound scan of the miscarried baby does not quite match the ones of his two sons. Meanwhile, Adam’s elder son Thomas heads out to the bonfire party with his friends.

The next morning, police woman Johanna investigates a bizarre crime scene of a decapitated alpaca in the city centre. With her DS, she drives to a nearby alpaca farm to confirm where the animal came from. On their return trip their attention is attracted by some pieces of clothing in the forest. They follow the trail of clothes and find a naked body. The young man is still alive.

Adam meanwhile looks after his day job – he is the legal advisor to an obstinate tenant who refuses to move out of a house that has been earmarked for demolition. Upon his return, Corinne arrives back from her conference and Adam receives confirmation that the mysterious credit card payments are for a website that provides fake pregnancy products. He immediately confronts Corinne. She does neither deny nor explain why or what she did, only hinting that there is more to it than he thinks. The Prices spend the night in separate bedrooms.

The next morning Adam observes Corinne taking a phone call outside the house. She later suggests to Adam that they talk later that day after a school awards ceremony where she will explain all. However, Corinne never shows to the event. Adam receives a text message asking for some time apart.

The episode ends with Thomas revealing the decapitated alpaca head in his cupboard.

  Episode 1 – Discuss

So, first of all – I have watched the first episode about three and a half times. Twice on my own, once with hubster, and finally today a quick run-through for the sake of the recap where I fast forwarded through a lot of scenes, focussing on Adam mostly. I couldn’t help it… My first response to the show at the very first viewing was – WOW! I remember that I was fully engaged during every minute of it – even the scenes and story lines that Richard did not feature in. Granted, I was most interested  with the “grown-up” arcs, not least because anything involving drugs and other goings-on with teenagers makes *this* mama really worried. But having said that, I think the first episode was very effective in establishing the storylines and the characters. Hence the show spends most time following Adam (Richard Armitage) – as a father, as a lawyer and as a husband. Then there are the two police officers who also are presented as round characters – the middle-aged senior officer Johanna (Siobhan Finneran) approaching retirement who has just decided to split from her husband, and her much younger partner, a gay black man. Adam’s son Thomas also gets a good bit of screen time with his friends, making him more than just secondary. Other secondary characters include first and foremost Dervla Kirwan as Corinne, Stephen Rea as obstinate tenant Martin, and Jennifer Saunders as Johanna’s BFF Heidi.

So, the first watch was highly exciting and addictive, so much so that I basically binged the whole show. On second and subsequent views, I found the episode not quite as fast and exciting anymore – only natural, as a lot of time was actually spent setting up the characters and the various story lines: Johanna waking up in bed to her snoring husband; Johanna meeting Heidi in her café; observing the teenagers at their bonfire party; visiting Dante in hospital…

RA is the natural focal point from the get-go. Not only for fangirls, I might add. The show is really good at setting him up as the perfect family man who obviously has great rapport with his sons, both the “difficult” almost grown-up older son, but also the younger lad who needs a different kind of care than a young adult. I found the casting really great, with Thomas definitely matching the tall, dark, handsome vibes of TV-dad Richard, and younger boy Ryan more a mirror of his blond, curly-haired TV-mum. They all have great chemistry together, and found Misha Handley (Ryan) very natural and convincing. Jacob Dudman as Thomas was also great.

… really aged well… hehe

RA really shines in the confrontation scenes, both with the stranger and with his wife, when he has to convey both suppressed anger and outright fury at having been deceived. Both his major scenes with Corinne are very convincing, and I appreciated the decision to make Adam extremely angry, on the verge of volatile, when Corinne refuses to explain her actions. Adam’s anger is immediate, raw and confused and Armitage really draws the viewer on his side with his emotional outburst. So much so that I basically missed Dervla Kirwan’s nuanced acting in that scene. On second and subsequent viewings, once you know how the show ends and why she doesn’t want to talk immediately, you start to notice the little things: her refusal to talk has more to do with fear than with anger or denial. She is afraid of actually addressing the fact that the reason for her faked pregnancy will also bring another secret out in the open, and the subsequent discussion (which she had successfully avoided by faking the pregnancy in the first place) will now have to take place. What might have looked as callous or dismissive at first viewing, conveys much more detail the second time round: there is a sadness to Corinne that Kirwan expresses very subtly – in a slight pause, or the tiniest glance into the mid-distance. The same applies to their second and much calmer confrontation the next morning. What might have looked almost callous on first viewing, gains much more weight when you watch it with prior knowledge of the plot. When Adam says he has lost trust in her, Corinne replies “it hurts, doesn’t it?“. The question tag really stood out to me on first viewing. It confused me. Why is she phrasing it like that? It of course became clear in episode 4, but again, Kirwan really gave it a spin by loading it with subtle sadness that doesn’t only confuse the viewer but also Adam. Armitage here kept his response at just the right level of confusion without giving away how much Adam really recognises or understands what she was hinting at. RA reacts with great detail expressions. No words are needed. And in hindsight you can see how he begins to wonder whether she knows about his affair. Loved it.

Let’s talk a bit about Armitage’s look in this show. Such a spectacle!

Yes, I like details like that. The jury is still out on whether this is a prescription that Armitage wrote into the script himself 😂, or whether we just had a costume department that is on the ball. Yes, it’s time for the presbyopic lenses. Happens to most of us at around middle age. 🤓 I found it a lovely detail that makes Adam more relatable. Because – a dad bod he has not.

Even if he claims he does. I find this a rather attractive package for a middle aged family man. Also:

Bonus WRP. Needs no further elaboration

But to get back to the look and style – I enjoyed the casual style of Adam. Once again, it felt right – nothing too fancy, with windbreaker, jeans and shirts, and even a tracksuit at home, the perfect attire for a father of two (pre-) teen sons. I was surprised how good RA looked in other colours than just black and blue. The red polo shirt was very nice on him.

I can’t say I am as convinced of the costumes provided for Corinne. In fact, I think there were some rather sledge-hammer style decisions going on there, putting the wife and mother into rather dowdy, pale pink mom trousers and giving her a hole-pattern, fluffy knit jumper. Then there was that turquoise dress that went slightly longer than her knees – apparently the work wear for female teachers in English private schools, judging by an equally frumpy outfit for Corinne’s colleague and friend Vicky? (This observation I will come back to in a later post once we get to episode 4.) It just kind of made me think that Corinne was made to look older and less casual than her husband who even attends to his client in jeans and shirt…

Police officer Johanna Griffin OTOH looked *real* and great. (I kept double-taking because O’Brien’s severe look kept coming back to me.) And I loved Heidi’s funky style – very much the slightly crazy café-owner with a café as stylish as herself… And can we also mention the Price’s residence here? There were only quick first glimpses of their house – but oh, that stylist made it a gorgeous family home. The garden was beautiful but I can take it or leave it. Too much work – I don’t like to get my fingers dirty. But the dining area with the floor-to-ceiling windows and the sleek white kitchen? Big win, especially because it doesn’t look like a showroom but has photos on the fridge and a mess on the counters.

So episode 1 gets a big thumbs up from me – for introducing us to almost all the characters (some held back for more surprise later on) and establishing the plot. Yes, there is a lot going on here, which I haven’t even all mentioned in the recap: the stranger dropping her first bomb, the Price family life, the secret in Corinne’s past, the tenant who refuses to move out of his home, the colleague who has trouble with her pre-teen daughter, the teenagers who are partying under the influence of drugs, the mystery of the boy who was hunted through the forest, the curious story of the decapitated alpaca, an almost-comic police duo, a police officer who is splitting up with her hubby, her friend, the funky café owner, the gregarious neighbour, the busybody football trainer… Too much? I’d say a lot of it is deliberate overload to distract us, yet give us some extra info about the characters, their work, their life and their environment.

The strategy definitely works when you watch the show for the first time. You are busy dealing with Richard Armitage’s overwhelming handsomeness taking it all in. The questions only really pop up when you watch again.  Such as: When stoned Mike takes the alpaca for a walk into the city centre, why is there no CCTV footage? I mean, nowadays there is hardly *any* urban area that does *not* have CCTV on shops and banks or traffic spots. How come no one saw him decapitating the alpaca, in a city centre? And how did he manage to decapitate it anyway`- it’s hardly a one-chop job?Likewise and with hindsight we know now that Corinne’s text message was not sent by her at all: But how did the sender actually know the password to Corinne’s phone to send that message? I mean, don’t all people lock their phone with a password these days? Possibly nit-picking questions, but that’s the fun of it, isn’t it? You can enjoy a show immensely – and still want to pick a few holes into the plot just to see whether you are cleverer than the writer 😉.

There is probably so much more to discuss, but for the sake of getting the discussion started, here is the post. What is your take on the first episode of TS? Any agreements with me, or disagree? Other points of interest? Let me know in the comments!

Let’s Talk About… #TheStranger – Episode 1 My annual social media Lent is coming up. From Ash Wednesday I will abstain from Twitter for the next 6 and a half weeks (until Easter Sunday), allowing me to recalibrate a little and concentrate on other things.

[silvana-fangirls]

Target [Dabi x ua!Reader] Chapter 10

So long, you guys :) First of all, I wanna say I'm so, so sorry for taking so long. I have no proper excuse other than the fact that I was busy and completely blocked. Writersblock's a bitch. Anyhow, heres the new chapter, and this is probably the first time I'm liking a chapter of this fic so much, hopefully you agree.

PLEASE read notes at the end

[TARGET INDEX/CHAPTERS]

READ IN [AO3]

or below the cut

It was a day after she told him everything that his nightmare began.

It all started when Kurogiri suddenly appeared in his room (his door was fucking locked. He had a lot going on in his mind and was in no mood to deal any of the idiotic members of the League at the moment) and told him (while ignoring Dabi’s death glare) that Shigaraki called them all to a meeting, urgently.

The moment his words got to Dabi’s ears, sourness invaded his mouth and an unsettling feeling started in his stomach.

Dabi rarely lost his cool. Just like he rarely got worried about anything for the matter. So, the few times he felt like this, he just knew there was something really, really serious going on… and something that he’d definitely not like.

His mind briefly flickered the image of the captive girl, but he was quick to shove the image away.

In his well rehearsed emotionless face, and in usual aloofness, he unlocked his door and walked through the halls making his way to ‘the office’, at least that’s what they called it.

It was the room that kept all of the computers, devices and so that they might need for any of their missions; and it was also the room that was furthest away from where their prisoner was being kept. Whenever Shigaraki wanted to have a meeting, or wanted to discuss any matter that he didn’t want the UA student to hear, they’ll meet there.

Everyone was already there when he entered the room.

Dabi could already could already feel Shigaraki’s eyes on him as he closed the door behind him.

It took a few moments before he started to talk.

“You were right when you said the heroes were desperate” Was the first thing that came out of his mouth, eyes looking straight at him even if they were hidden behind his bangs “But that didn’t actually work for the better” this time, he gazed at all of them.

For a brief moment, he thought this was it.

Shigaraki had made up his mind, changed his initial decision and decided to kill the girl for once and for all.

The girl was dying.

For a flicker moment, and after years of never feeling anything like it, Dabi felt a bubble of desperation rising up his throat. His usual comebacks and quick thinking wouldn’t ever be fast enough to come up with an excuse this time. But, the feeling almost went just as quickly as it came when his mind stopped his mental mumblings with a ‘Wait’.

What, exactly, changed?

There must be a reason why Shigaraki changed his mind, or was this one of his immature tantrums?

Even if he was curious as to why the reason of this might be, Dabi wouldn’t give him the satisfaction to ask. He knew there was something going on in his sick mind, whatever it was it promised to be no good… And Dabi wasn’t stupid enough to give him any sort of leverage or add fuel to the fire.

When Shigaraki seemed to realize that he wasn’t getting any sort of reaction out of him, he finally spoke.

“The Pros are desperate.” He said again. “And the fact that they don’t have All Might to help them with this seems to make things worse” He was pointing out the obvious, and Dabi was starting to wonder if this was one of the ‘Please see my master’ talks once again… But the sour feeling in his gut wasn’t going away. “So now, they searched for the next best thing…”

Holy fuck.

Every single muscle in Dabi’s body stilled… because he just fucking knew where this was going.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

“It’s just been announced that the case’s being transferred to Endeavor” Shigaraki continued, but his raspy voice seemed far away now.

It was taking almost all of his strength and self control not to blast off the entire base.

His jaw was clenched so tight, his teeth felt like they would explode in little pieces any moment now, knuckles hiding in his coat pockets were probably white as snow by now, and nails digging in pierced the already weak skin of his palms since he started to felt a liquid sensation settling on his fingers.

But God or the Devil help him… he’ll de dammed if he reacted even in the most imperceptible way.

He’d rather get his already burnt skin ripped off like a band aid than let Shigaraki, or anyone of the League for the matter, know who he really was.

“While he’s no All Might, he’s the Number 1 Hero now… with an almost insane need to surpass All Might” Shigaraki continued as Dabi tried to control his raged breathing. He was right about that. “That means we’re short outta time”

“Does he has a lead on us or somethin’?” Magne asked, clearly not understanding the seriousness of the situation.

“It’s only a matter of moments before he has one” Kurogiri practically took the words out of Dabi’s mouth.

If Enji didn’t have a clue yet, he’ll have one soon enough.

“We need to be even more careful now. I’ll go fetch everything we need to last for a few weeks, and no one will leave the base unless strictly necessary” Kurogiri continued.

“You heard that?” Shigaraki asked him, only earning a side glance from Dabi. “You have two weeks to deal with the little brat. If you can’t make it happen by then, I’ll deal with her” He threatened, to then leave the room with Kurogiri tailing behind him.

Shigaraki was a fucking idiot if he thought they have the luxury of two weeks. Endeavor’d rather die than take that long, much less when this was his first (not to mention of extreme importance) case as the Number One Hero.

Thinking they have two weeks before Enji got close to them was a delusion.

“I’ll hurry if I were you” Spinner muttered to him on his way out.

Like he didn’t fucking know that.

But, Enji now being in charge of the mission was just the tip of the fucking Iceberg.

After the meeting, it took Dabi several hours to cool off. Hence why Twice took care of the prisoner’s breakfast while Dabi tried to not set his entire room a-flames.

And while he still wanted to burn to crisps everyone that crossed his path, he got out of his room for lunch, with a better self control over himself, yet even more angry than before.

What definitely didn’t help, was that Toga was in charge of lunch and there was barely anything to make a decent meal to eat. Kurogiri and Shigaraki were still trying to figure out what the Pros and the Police might know about them, so he wouldn’t be leaving to get food till later.

So, when Toga left something gross-looking she claimed to be soup on his hands, there was barely any other options. He just gulped the disgusting thing down before his tongue could even taste it and he hoped he didn’t get sick later.

The moment his soup bowl was empty, Toga was in front of him with another one and he almost jumped up from his place and fled thinking she was offering a second round.

“You’ll be taking lunch to (Y/N) or is Twice doing it?” She said with a ‘sweet’ smile that could almost fool him.

He blinked at her with half-confused eyes and looked down at the disgusting bowl on her hands.

“I’ll do it” He simply said, and Toga jumped in glee almost spilling the whole thing on him.

“Great!” She squealed. “Specially made for her” She said, as she placed the bowl and a spoon on his hands with the same sickly sweet smile.

And honestly… he should’ve known something was off right then.

Blinking as Toga walked away jumping around, he then rolled his eyes and made his way towards the cell.

She hasn’t finish the book Twice gifted her yet, so he found her reading it as he usually did this past days.

Her eyes flickered at him for a moment, looking at him through her lashes, to then return to the book.

“Hmm, I thought you died when Twice brought me breakfast today” She said, not looking at him, as he made his way towards her. “Pity” She said sarcastically, and if the conditions were different, just like any other day, he’ll let a short chuckle at her sassy antics.

But since the eyes of his stupid father were still clouding his mind, he didn’t.

And she quickly took note of that.

“Someone’s in a mood today” She pointed out, as she looked curiously at him.

“Would you just shut up and eat?” He just said. She was right, he wasn’t in the mood today.

“Yeez” She quietly muttered as she rolled her eyes and moved closer to the bowl that was now resting in her hard bed. “Holy cow!” She exclaimed once she got close enough. “This smells absolutely disgusting!” She added with a gag.

He didn’t disagree.

But, again, he wasn’t in the mood today.

“If you have the impression you’re staying in a five star hotel right now, sorry to disappoint you, princess. We don’t exactly have a Professional Chef out there” He said, and it definitely came out way more acidly than the intended.

She turned to look at him with wide eyes.

“Jesus Christ, Dabi, what is your deal today?” She exclaimed clearly shocked.

She was talking to him like she was some old friend. With so much familiarity, considerably comfortable around him… and he was to blame for that.

“Would you just eat your damn food?” He sighed tiredly, not caring that he ignored her question.

But her eyes flickered down, to his hands and her eyes widened even more, if possible.

“Oh my God” She whispered. “What happened?” She asked as she took one of his hands in hers, and carefully brushed her thumb around the bloody, red marks his own nails left.

He was quick to snatch his hand away… Because her touch fucking burned him and that was fucking ironic and fucking hilarious.

It was the first time she was the one that reached out to touch him… and he couldn’t even describe how that felt or if he liked it or not.

It seemed that you didn’t notice his rash action nor minded it, because your concerned eyes were still trained on his now recoiled hands.

“Are you all right?” She asked, and her concern almost seemed genuine.

“No need to pretend you care around me, babe” Dabi said with a dry smirk on his lips. “Just moments ago you told me it was a pity I didn’t die”

She looked offended now.

“That was a joke” She spat out, like it was obvious. “Contrary to you, I don’t take pleasure in people getting hurt. Wether they’re villains or not” It sounded honest.

But, if she was trying to get a reaction out of him, she was wasting her time.

“Ever so righteous” He said mockingly, and he could see hurt flash her eyes for a millisecond, but she quickly masked it away with a scoff while darting her eyes off of him.

“Forget it” She muttered.

Dabi felt just the tiniest amount of unsettlement in him, like he did something wrong, but when his eyes landed in the untouched soup bowl he remembered what he was here for.

“Finish that up already” He said, pointing the bowl with his eyes. “It’s Toga’s food, and it’s fucking disgusting but it’s probably the only thing you’ll be getting till late at night or till the morning”

She narrowed her eyes at him.

“Y’all seem to be awfully busy” She said, clearly suspicious.

“Eat up” Dabi ordered, tired of fooling around already.

“You’re delusional if you think I can put this in my mouth without puking!” She complained.

“For fucks sake, just gulp it all down!” Dabi exclaimed nearly exasperated.

If another word dared to escape her mouth, he was going to force the thing down her throat himself.

But there was no need, because she held her breath, lifted the bowl with her hands, placed her lips on the edges and did exactly what he asked her to.

And it only took him seconds to regret that decision.

She only gulped the soup down twice before starting to cough the whole thing out.

For a second, he thought she was fucking lucky that not a drop landed on him, because if some of the fucking thing landed on him he would’ve blasted her face off to a better place.

But, when he turned to look at the splattered liquid on the floor, soup was not the only thing that’s been cough out there.

There were traces of red. Deep red.

He distinctly remember it to be a beige-greenish color. No fucking red on it.

But the red color wasn’t the only thing out of place.

There were little chunks of something. Something other than the veggies.

He felt like his soul was leaving his body, color draining from his face and completely breathless.

His eyes widened like never before when he took a closer look and realized with nothing else but horror, what those chunks of something actually were.

Sharps of glass and metal.

His head snapped towards the girl that was still coughing out blood relentlessly.

She could barely even breath, unable to stop the coughs.

Her face was crimson, and so were her now tearful eyes.

There was blood on her lips and on the corners of her mouth.

Dabi could swear… he never felt this terrified before.

“O-Oh my G-God” She managed to get out only to continue to cough right after, making Dabi almost jump up to help her.

“Hey! Hey!” He exclaimed, desperation now clear in his voice as he held her. “C’mon (Y/N), breathe!!” And she tried to, she tried to take a deep breath but was cut off instantly as she continued to cough out blood and pieces of sharps. “Fuck!!” He cursed out loud.

What the hell was even going on!?

The coughing just wouldn’t fucking stop, and she looked more desperate to breath with every passing second.

Dabi was loosing his goddamn mind.

“Calm down, (Y/N). Just breathe!!” He didn’t even know how he should be assisting the situation. The only thing clear was that he was fucking terrified. “Okay, just lift your arms, alright?” It sounded like he was pleading. But it was no use. Wether she wanted to do as he said or not it seemed like her hands couldn’t stop clutching her throat and chest.

Dabi just decided to do it himself.

He held her as he tried to place her in a more comfortable position, and then proceed to lift her arms. This was what people did when chocking, right!?

He didn’t know what the fuck he was doing wrong, because it was not fucking working.

She was facing him now, their bodies almost touching as he tried to keep her arms up. He was well aware that his white shirt was splattered in blood now, since he was forcing her to face him. But Dabi couldn’t care less.

He just wanted her to stop coughing.

He just didn’t have a clue. He knew how to patch up burnt flesh perfectly, treat cuts and deal with broken bones… But he had no clue what to do now.

And he was loosing his mind.

“(Y/N), wait here for a second alright?” He told her, his voice unrecognizable. “I’ll be right back, okay? It’s gonna be fine. I’ll help you, I promise” As soon as she made even the most imperceptible indication that she understood what he said, he bolted out of the room and didn’t give two fucks that he left the door open.

“Twice!” He shouted, and that was enough to bring each and every League member to where he was. After all, this was fucking Dabi, he never lost his cool.

“What is it, Dabi? Damn, you sure are an annoying little shit!” Twice said as soon as he appeared.

“Get in there, now” Dabi was quick to order while pointing at her door. He wasn’t worried about Twice. He knew the part that cared for the girl overcame the other one. Hence why Twice bolted towards the room without so much as a reply.

“What the hell happened to you?” Shigaraki asked, and while that freaky hand covered his face he was clearly looking at his shirt.

“Kurogiri, go fetch a doctor, now” Dabi ordered, completely ignoring Shigaraki’s question.

“Excuse me?” Shigaraki said again, clearly offended.

“You have blood on your shirt, Dabi. Did that ungrateful brat attack you?” Compress asked, pointing down at his shirt.

“No” He simply said, and was about to urge Kurogiri again when giggles stopped him short.

“So, the party has begun” Toga said between snickers.

He didn’t know why he hand’t realized it before, or maybe he hadn’t even have a chance to think about it since he his mind was currently occupied with the (possibly dying) girl a few rooms down the hall.

But, the minute her psycho giggles were heard, he put two and two together in less than a second.

And it took him even less to pin her agains the nearest wall, hanging her up in the air by the neck with one already considerably hot hand.

“Only God knows what the fuck’s your problem, psycho bitch” He hissed at her with narrowed eyes, hand tightening around her throat while growing hotter. “But don’t you ever fucking doubt, that I won’t fucking kill you if I want to”

“Can any of you idiots tell me what the fuck’s going on!?” Shigaraki exclaimed at them exasperated, but Dabi didn’t lose his hold on the crazy girl (who was somehow, still smiling), not even a bit.

“Kurogiri, go fetch a fucking doctor” Dabi ordered again, through clenched teeth, eyes not leaving Toga’s.

“No one’s doing shit until someone tells me what the FUCK is going on!” Shigaraki shouted this time.

“I-I just t-ook care of the p-problem” Toga said gasping for air as she clenched to Dabi’s offending hand… still giggling, somehow. “I-I just… made h-her an… e-extra special… m-meal” She added, and giggled as she could until Dabi tightened his hold on her even more.

Before anyone could say another word, Twice came rushing to where they were. His clothes now also splattered in blood.

“Dabi, she just won’t stop coughing blood! I don’t know what to do! And to make the matters worse, I stepped into all that glass because of you!”  Twice said, lifting up the soles of his villain costume for everyone to see.

Soaked in blood, and pierced by tons of glass and metal shards.

“Kurogiri” Dabi said again, and this time as a warning.

“A-Alright” Kurogiri stuttered out, clearly shocked. But, before he got the chance to activate his quirk, Shigaraki’s raised hand stopped him.

“Wait” He simply said, and for the first time since Dabi got a hold on Toga he turned to him with disbelieving eyes.

“Are you fucking shitting me!?” Dabi nearly growled out. There was barely anytime to loose. Only God knew how serious this was or how much long that girl could take being in this condition.

“Why?” Shigaraki asked.

“Why!?” Dabi parroted even in more disbelief.

“Why should we tend her?” Shigaraki asked again, in complete calm. “Toga was right. She was just taking care of the problem. It was without my permission, which I can’t say that it doesn’t bother me. But, it she just wanted to get the job done” He said carelessly.

What fucking excuse could Dabi even give him?

What could he possibly say that was at least a bit reasonable?

“I didn’t join the League to do half-assed jobs” It was the first thing that came out of his mouth. But he knew he was loosing it. He was acting recklessly, and his facade was nowhere around anymore.

Even he wouldn’t fall for such a weak ass excuse.

“The message is the same” Shigaraki shrugged. “We killed the girl before the Pros came. Point for us”

He didn’t know what the fuck to say.

“W-Why do you look s-so worried, D-Dabi? Shouldn’t you be r-relieved?” Toga asked him and he instantly turned to her. She was clearly mocking him. A Cheshire cat-like smile adorning her face.

There was nothing else left to do now, so fuck it.

“If Kurogiri doesn’t get a doctor here now, there’ll be two girls dying here today.” Dabi said, and the temperature in his hand rose considerably, making Toga cry out out loud.

“Shigaraki Tomura!” Kurogiri suddenly pleaded. Clearly realizing there were only two ways out of this. Either they find medical help for the aspiring hero, or they’ll be dealing with two corpses soon enough.

Shigaraki stayed completely still for a few moments, while Toga desperately tried to get out of Dabi’s hold, and Kurogiri pleaded him with his eyes.

“Careful, Dabi…” He then said. “Or one might think you actually care for this girl” The smirk on his face was so wicked, it looked straight out of a horror movie.

Dabi said nothing.

It was only when Shigaraki shot a glance at Kurogiri, and he quickly left using his quirk, that Dabi dropped Toga on the floor.

“I’ll get out of my sight if I were you” Dabi hissed out, and Toga was quick to do as he said, bolting right out of there the moment she could.

To Dabi’s fucking relief and fucking mental state, Kurogiri and a villain doctor he already knew (from previous post-missions and so) appeared right after.

He’d better fucking fix her.

A.N.:

I intended to make this chapter a big longer than it ended up being, but while writing it it just didnt feel right and decided that what happens next just fits better the next chapter. Anyways, while I do like this chapter, I'm still kinda worried. I'm worried I'm not getting the character's personalities right. So, if you think this is a bit OOC please let me know. It's kinda hard to figure this villains out tbh. Another thing (and I don't remember if I already told you this or not but I'm too lazy to check right now) most of my inspiration for fics I write come from songs, believe it or not. There's just nothing that puts me in a better creative mood than songs, and this fic is no exception. Mostly, I listen to "Natural" by Imagine Dragons, "Young God" by Halsey, "Play With Fire" by Sam Tinnesz, and "11 Minutes by YUNGBLUD, Halsey and Travis Barker because they make me think of Dabi. My point with all this is: If you have a song that reminds you of him or of this fic, please let me know? It helps. Anyways, Thoughts?

tag list: @buckybear97 @this-lost-child @aebeessun @ye-rinn@ihatemyselftoinfinityandbeyond @cindxalex @luvley-shadow@taeniix@roadtripsonspaceships @iana-therese@darkagedoctor @liliafangirls@darkfaethedestroyer@celestiallsunshine@meggy126@starlordsmum @megganclaark@hecatemacbeth7@dixonsbugaboo

(please let me know if I forgot to add you)

WANT TO JOIN THE TAG LIST? ASK BOX ONLY PLEASE (so I don’t miss anyone)

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

To Land On Your Feet - Chapter 09

Oof, so it looks like I'll have to do updates once a week on Friday/Saturday where finals are kicking in at college for me. I barely survived the week, but here we are with a fresh chapter! It's more of a transition chapter, but hopefully you all enjoy it anyhow!

Also, consider donating $3 a month to my Patreon and getting access to unpublished drabbles and the Google Doc where I write this story; meaning you could see chapters and notes days or even weeks in advance.

Enjoy!

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Summary: Aizawa Shouta had a good life. He was a happily married pro-hero teacher, had two cats that loved to make his life difficult, and soon, if things went well, he would have Shinsou Hitoshi as a son. Thanks to an unexpected attack by a man with the League of Villains, though, Shouta is turned into a cat. While he had a fondness for cats, that never meant he wanted to be one, especially when no one seems to recognize him and his friends and family are trying to find him when he’s right there.

He had been planning to find a way to change back, but instead he ends up following Shinsou Hitoshi to the foster home he lives in after hearing some worrying information from the teen himself. Shouta himself was guilty of venting his frustrations to cats, but hearing that Hitoshi would be locked outside in the cold if he was late getting home was just another clue among countless that something was wrong. He has to get back to normal, but he’d be a poor hero and a shit father-to-be if he didn’t follow the kid and make sure he was okay.

Besides, quirks like this usually had a time limit. Right?

        <<First Chapter>> <<Previous Chapter>> <<Next Chapter>>

                                           Chapter Nine

‘You know, you’re not very subtle when it comes to avoiding people.’ Shouta grumbled and made other odd noises he didn’t have a name for as he watched Hizashi avoid him, yet again, during the break he and Hitoshi were taking from training. ‘I know you’re not afraid of cats, ‘Zashi, so now you’re just being ridiculous.’

It was utterly ridiculous, but Hizashi was no doubt avoiding him because he reminded him so much of his ‘missing husband.’ Avoiding him, however, made it so that Shouta couldn’t tell Hizashi that he was his missing husband. While Shouta had no regrets about following Hitoshi home, especially since now he had all the evidence he needed and the kid seemed much brighter than before, it was still impossible to get Hitoshi to understand who ‘Eraser’ really was.

It was perhaps for the best, all things considered at that point. Shouta didn’t want to get Hitoshi involved in this anymore than he was in case the League of Villains realized their success and sent someone else after him. It was unlikely, but Shouta had been a pro hero for a little over a decade. Unlikely was never impossible.

His best bet was to try and convince Hizashi of the truth and go from there, but trying that was made difficult by the fact that Hizashi wouldn’t even so much as look at him. As much as Shouta would love to climb his way up to Hizashi’s shoulder and scream at him until he understood, the last thing he wanted to do was interrupt Hitoshi’s training.

The kid had a mock trial exam coming up in a couple of weeks that would determine whether he would be placed in the Hero course and, subsequently, Shouta’s class, since there was now an empty spot. It was best not to distract him, but that didn’t mean Shouta couldn’t sulk from the corner.

‘When this is all over, Hizashi, I’m going to hold this over your head until we’re both dead.’ Because for as clever and open-minded as the man was, he had a horrible time listening to his instincts in a tense situation. It was the reason they worked so well together, Hizashi’s high intellect and Shouta’s trained instincts, but sometimes it was also the reason tension could be caused.

Thoughts starting to trail off again, Shouta focused on where Hizashi was teaching Hitoshi the proper way to break out of a hold, Hitoshi intently focused and Hizashi smiling softly whenever Hitoshi wasn’t looking directly at him.

‘And you thought you’d be a terrible parent,’ Shouta scoffed to himself, flexing his paws for a moment as he stretched. It was another thing to add to the list of things Shouta needed to say and do once he could.

Hizashi was goofy and silly and loud, but he was a wonderfully kind, loving man, and Hitoshi easily adored him as much as he tried to hide it. They were both thinking the worst of what had happened to him, but Shouta couldn’t help but feel a little relieved that he was able to at least be close to them both.

‘I’ll fix this, you two.’ He didn’t want to interrupt Hitoshi’s training, and Hizashi was avoiding him, but that was all okay. Shouta had other options.

                                                             ::

It took another full day, but never let it be said that Shouta wasn’t patient. Not even bothering to wait outside the gates, Shouta kept pace with Hitoshi, seeing the boy off to class and enduring a hug goodbye and a warning to ‘be safe.’ After he was sure Hitoshi would make it to class, he let his paws carry him to the, yet again, open window of Class 1-A.

This time he didn’t stop to listen to their chatter, jumping inside and ignoring the yelps and muttered swears from the students near him. A quick run and jump onto his desk and Shouta felt his rising hope shattered as he saw the empty seat.

‘Still out, then… Must be a nasty bug he caught.’ Kouda might not be back until the end of the week if what he overheard the other day was true. He mused that things like this never could be easy.

“The demon cat is back,” Kaminari ‘whispered.’ “Dude, do you think he’s a zombie cat, or something?” This caused a wave of reactions, a few students shuddering and yelling not to say things like that, while a few, like Bakugou, called the kid a dumbass. Shouta was on Bakugou’s side. “What?! I saw an American horror movie about something like this! He even looks evil!”

‘Keep in mind, Kaminari, that you’re on the verge of failing math and I can and will force you into a room with Ectoplasm until you understand it.’ Honestly, how that kid could be so good at English and yet so bad at Math, Shouta would never know.

“Well, I think he’s cute!” Uraraka was up and out of her seat, Shouta not having time to run before he felt her fingers carding through his fur and scratching him. “He looks well taken care of, though. Do you think he escaped from someone’s dorm?”

Oh, jeez, now the whole class was chiming in and talking about finding his ‘owner.’ Shouta had a lot of comments he could make for that one, but he avoided even thinking them, just in case. The last thing he needed was a class full of traumatized students.

“Maybe he’s a kid with a shapeshifting quirk!” The call came from Kirishima and Shouta made a mental note to give him a few extra credit points and a gold star or something because that was a brilliant idea.

While animal communication quirks weren’t rare, they were less common than shapeshifting quirks. It was far more likely that Shouta could find a student in the school who could shapeshift into a feline and be able to understand what he was saying - at least to some degree. They would at least be able to tell he was once human.

‘There should be a third year with that quirk in General Studies, but how to get to her…’ The General Studies classrooms were further away and Shouta doubted he could get away with just wandering the halls. It was possible he could just follow Hitoshi to his building, tomorrow, but the less time he wasted the better.

“-so cute!” Shouta focused back in on his students, putting up with all the touches with minimal growling. Maybe he should get them a dorm pet if they looked this cheered up over a cat. Although he wouldn’t get them a cat. A porcupine or armadillo, maybe; something that could withstand their quirks.

Before he could get too far in his thoughts, the door was opening and Nemuri was walking in with a large, dramatic sigh that she had learned from Hizashi, “Sorry I’m later than usual, everyone.”

‘Nemuri, I want you to remain calm.’ Shouta tensed the moment Nemuri’s eyes fell on him, her eyes narrowing. ‘Screw it.’ Looking towards his escape, Shouta felt his blood run cold when he saw one of them had closed the window - probably to prevent him from leaving in case he was a lost pet. ‘Shit.’

“Wait, Sensei, he’s a nice cat, we promise!” Uraraka leapt to his defense, Shouta soon surrounded by his students all whining and complaining about ‘keeping’ him.

“Yeah, come on, Sensei, he’s a really sweet cat even if he is possessed by something evil!” Sero complained, not even bothering to hide his grin.

“He’ll die if we kick him out into the cold!” The screech came from Ashido as she gestured to the outside where it was pleasantly warm and sunny.

As they all screamed, it took a moment to remember that these teenagers were in one of the most rigorous schooling programs within all of Japan. Then again, Bakugo had set Sero’s hair on fire and Todoroki had almost frozen his head trying to help put it out.

“Oh, such youthful energy!” Ah, right. ‘Midnight.’ Shouta much preferred dealing with Kayama Nemuri who snorted when she laughed and wore week-old sweaters because she was too lazy to do the laundry. “Alas, my sweetlings, I’m afraid this cat is already spoken for.”

‘I’m what?’ Shouta frowned as Nemuri walked over and extracted him from the mess of students, picking him up without a bat of her eye. Shouta would be impressed, but he had also seen her bench press twice her weight without flinching. ‘I don’t suppose you can read minds all of a sudden, can you?’

Nemuri continued without even looking down at him, “He’s the pet cat of a homeroom student of mine. The poor little kitty here gets lonely and so he follows him to school all the time. Not to worry! I’ll make sure he gets back to his proper home! Now, you all should sit down and get ready for your first class and I’ll be back very soon, okay?”

Shouta rolled his eyes at seeing some of his students look starstruck as they quickly moved to comply, a few of them just having a healthy dose of respect and fear for teachers in general.

“As for you,” Nemuri mumbled, sounding much more like herself. “Let’s get you to the teacher’s lounge, for now, and I’ll drop you off with Shinsou later.”

‘Wait, where did you hear I was- Ah.’ Hizashi. That man couldn’t keep a secret to save his life and had no doubt gushed to the entire staff about the stray cat that had taken to following Hitoshi around.

“You can spend a bit of time with Hizashi, even!” Nemuri���s cheerful tone fell flat, Shouta looking up at her and feeling his heart hurt as he did so. She looked so tired. “He could use a bit of cheering up, lately.”

‘Nemuri, come on, you know me. I know I don’t look that different and you’re always the one with the crazy theories, right? You were the one who thought our entire year was getting dosed with drugs for some government experiment! You have to at least be suspicious about all of this!’

Shouta ‘yelled’ at Nemuri, trying to get her to understand, even trying to do morse code with his eyes like he had done with Hitoshi. The only thing that happened was that he made his eyes hurt as Nemuri didn’t even glance down at all his ‘words.’ ‘I’m going to hold this over your head, too.’

“Hey, Mic!” Nemuri burst into the staff lounge as she often did, startling at least three teachers because, as usual, Nemuri seemed to forget that all of the staff were either current or retired pro heroes with hair triggers towards loud noises and sudden movement.

“Jesus, Nem, can’t you ever enter a room normally?” At the familiar complaint, Shouta couldn’t help but to let some of the tension in his body drain away, Hizashi’s voice, as always, his guiding point to centering himself.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Nemuri walked over and promptly dropped Shouta into Hizashi’s lap, Shouta doing his best to keep his claws hidden and not hurt the man. Luckily, they had two cats at home, so Hizashi was well trained in catching a cat in a way that didn’t hurt. “Found your kid’s cat in Shouta’s classroom. Make sure he gets him, okay?”

“Wha- He was in the Class 1-A room?” Hizashi frowned as he looked down at him, that same suspicion from a few days ago in his eyes that had Shouta feeling elated in an instant. “How did he-”

Nemuri was talking over him, drowning him out before he could finish, “Sorry, hun, no time to talk. Shouta’s kids can cause trouble the second you look away, but I’ll see you at lunch!”

Like a whirlwind, Nemuri was gone as fast as she had come, Hizashi left with Shouta in his lap and looking utterly lost and far too tired. Hizashi was always tired considering he worked the equivalent of three jobs - teacher, radio host, and licensed hero - but Shouta could tell he probably hadn’t slept since this whole mess had started.

‘Oh, Sunshine… You’re too hard on yourself.’ Shouta leaned up to press himself against Hizashi’s cheek, almost whining when he felt him flinch away.

“Alright, cat.” Hizashi pulled him away, staring him in the eyes with his own narrowed. “I know Hitoshi said that he saw you around the school for a while, but there’s got to be more to it than that.” Considering morse code had yet to work, Shouta was about to try sign language before he realized he was in the teacher’s lounge, which meant his desk was right beside them.

Hizashi was smarter than most people gave him credit for to the point he was a genius, so if Shouta started pulling out papers with his name on them and pointing to it over and over, Hizashi would realize in a heartbeat. Hell, he wouldn’t even need papers if he found the right objects on his desk.

Ready to at least try, they both froze when they heard Hizashi’s name called in Yagi’s voice. Shouta hadn’t even heard him enter the room; although it was possible that was due to his focus being on Hizashi.

"Yamada-san? Naomasa-san is here to see you." Nao who? Shouta watched as Yagi stared at them for a moment before floundering, hands waving around in a motion similar to Midoriya. "Ah, sorry! That is to say, Detective Tsukauchi is here to see you about the case concerning Eraserhead."

Hizashi perked up at once, Shouta quickly set on Hizashi’s desk before the man was up and heading for the door with a quick call of, “Thanks! And don’t let him out of the room!” Before Shouta could even try to do anything, Hizashi was gone, Yagi left staring at him with a small frown and curious eyes.

‘I don’t suppose you recognize me, do you?’ Shouta could feel his tired tone in his thoughts, at this point.

Across from him, Snipe sat up in his seat with a laugh, “Don’t worry about it, All Might. Apparently, that kid the two are looking at adopting soon has a cat that keeps following him. Shame Aizawa isn’t here. He’d love playing with a cat-”

Hissing at Snipe as best he could, Shouta took petty pleasure in seeing the man yelp and tumble over his chair, hitting the floor with a grunt in his haste to get away from him. Shouta watched Yagi flounder and look torn between worry and amusement as he rushed to help.

‘At least I have today’s training session,’ Shouta thought to himself, jumping to sit in Hizashi’s chair and knowing he would cry if he could at the familiar almond scent that came from Hizashi’s ridiculous hair care products. Sitting down and shoving his nose towards where the scent was strongest, Shouta closed his eyes and tried to pretend he was napping at home on their bed instead of in the body of a cat and stuck with no one knowing it was him.

Taking a steady breath, Shouta relaxed into the chair and let himself start to drift off. If he was lucky, he’d wake up with a plan to put a stop to all of this.

Somehow.

[kuriquinn]

Can you write about team 7 going through puberty 😆

The Springtime of Our Lives

Disclaimer & Other Warnings

Author’s Note: I completely forgot I had started this one. Maybe because it’s not finished? (Another story that started out short and then became a three-parter, haha!) Anyhow, here’s the beginning of this prompt, the next two will be forthcoming…hopefully within the week? We’ll see how I’m feeling :P

Part I: Flowering Time

The latestmission is a complete snafu.

Team 7 is sentout to help watch a shepherd’s flock after he and his entire family come downwith a debilitating flu. It’s lambing season, when thieves and predators stalkthe herd, and so the Hokage saw fit to send a genin squad to keep an eye out.

It should havebeen a simple mission, something which Naruto complained loudly about the wholeway there. It turns out, though, that watching sheep is more difficult thanexpected, and not for the difficulties common sense might suggest. In fact,sheep have an innate genius for self-inflicted harm. The beasts are too stunnedto file through an open gate, but apparently have an inventive talent forgetting themselves killed.

Sakura and therest of her team spend three days following the woolly demons to keep them fromwandering off high bluffs, choking themselves on low-hanging branches or treeroots, and poisoning themselves on toxic plants. They almost lost one todrowning, and at some point, Naruto came up with the bright idea to scare theminto running into their pen, instead starting a stampede.

And then therewas the wolf.

Everything just wentbad after that, Sakura thinks with a wince.

Everythinghurts, from her eyelids to her breasts.

Not thatthey’re really breasts. She canbarely see them when she examines herself in the mirror at night, wishingjealously for the same chest growth-spurt that Ino has already experienced. Still,they ache enough to make their existence known. Almost as much as the stabbingpains in her abdomen.

I swear, if I caughtsome bacteria or bug while tramping through the mud and sheep crap, I am goingto kill Kakashi.

All Sakurawants to do right now is curl up in her bed and sleep.

Somehow,everything is rubbing her the wrong way right now. Her hands sting hotly,sweat-covered and yet chapped, and there’s a blister blooming beneath the ball ofher left foot. Every crevice of her feels too hot and damp and chafing. It’s as if she’s far too bigfor herself, and she is far more conscious of the smell of her body than shewould like.

I need a shower like right now, she decides vehemently, and wonderingin silent horror if her teammates can smell her.

Almost themoment this fear rises up, Naruto calls her name suddenly.

“Oi! Sakura, you’rebleeding. Why didn’t you say you were hurt?”

Their littletravelling quartet come to a stop. Everyone is looking at her in curiousconcern, while Sakura blinks at the sudden attention. Her other two teammatesfollow the line of Naruto’s gaze, and Sakura can do nothing but follow theircue, glancing down to see what everyone is staring at.

A red-brownstain spreads across her tunic several inches beneath her navel.  

She isconfused, because she hasn’t noticed any wound to cause the blood. Going overtheir adventures that morning, she doesn’t recall any instance that could haveinjured her in such a way. She glances over at Kakashi, whose sharp eyesexamine her with experienced gravity, and then peeks at Sasuke, who seems asconfused as she is. His eyes flit over her with a curtness that doesn’t quitehide concern, and then they widen with something close to realisation.

A beat later,his cheeks go red; she can’t understand his look before it snaps away.

“Ah,” Kakashisays quietly, like this is something he was expecting.  

Later, Sakurawill be embarrassed at the several moments it takes for the small, blossomingstain of red-brown to make sense, and the additional time it takes for thesignificance of its location to set in. When it does, she experiences a jolt toher heart and the tingling sensation of her cheeks losing blood. Consciousnessof her body’s various sensations all rush back to her then, the cramping painthroughout her pelvic area, the damp sensation between her legs and up acrossher tailbone, the vague nausea—

She’s nevergone through it before, but she knows without doubt what it is.

It’s herperiod.

Sakura isfinally menstruating after waiting on it for ages, and she didn’t notice because the aches and pains of theirmission masked it. She experiences a bizarre compulsion to laugh at that—

Hah! And Ino doesn’teven have hers yet! She’s gonna be so jealous that I’m awoman first, Shannaro!

—beforeanother realisation crashes into her.

She’s gottenher monthly bleeding in front of her three teammates.

Her three male teammates.

Two of whomare the absolute last people she would want to know about this, because one isthe boy she’s utterly in love with and the other one is Naruto.

Sakura yelpsand vaults into the tree-lined path, away from them and ignoring the shouts forher to return.

She doesn’tstop until she finds a shaded bush off in the distance, where she candiscreetly try to deal with the problem. A swath of bandages in her med kitserve as a makeshift pad within her underwear to stop some of the flow, but herclothing remains saturated. There’s no scrubbing the blood from the front orback of her tunic.

Why? Why? WHY?!

She knocks herhead against a nearby tree, as if that will keep the hot blush from her cheeks.Tears gather in her eyes, as much out of mortification as her growing awarenessof just how much her abdomen hurts.

Several yardsaway and out of view, she hears a familiar cough and cringes.

“Will you bealright, Sakura?” Kakashi asks, calm as usual. He’s very good at keeping anyinflexion out of his words, but she saw his eyes before she fled. He is notcomfortable with this.

“I…I’ll befine. I’ll be right back,” she sniffs, hoping she can keep from crying; that’sall she needs right now is to have puffy eyes on top of this! What would Sasukesay?!

“Sakura, youhave nothing to be ashamed of,” Kakashi goes on, and she winces, expecting himto transition into an awkward talk about the ‘mysteries of her body’ the wayher mother did. “Have you gone through this before?”

“…No,” shewhispers.

“Do you needme to explain…?”

“No!” sheyells that before she can stop herself, and then in a quieter voice she adds,“I know what to do. My…my mother told me. And we…we had a class.”

“Alright.” Hesounds relieved. “Then you also know that you have to report to the hospitalwhen we get back to the village? All shinobi must be on some form of birthcontrol for field missions once they…once the time is right.”

“I know that,”she retorts, tone short as she hugs her elbows to herself in embarrassment. She just wants to be done with this!

“This is notsomething to be ashamed of, Sakura,” Kakashi tells her gently, and she realisesshe spoke out loud.

She clenchesher eyes shut, humiliated.

“I know, Iknow! the miracle of life and now I’m a woman and all that! I already know allthat, Kakashi-sensei, so please—”

“It’s not justthat,” he interrupts. “Think of it as your body’s way of conditioning you.”

Sakura pausesat this, having never had it put that way to her before.

The woman whotaught her and the other girls about the menstrual cycle explained it in softterms such as ‘moon time’ or visits from ‘Little Miss Strawberry’, a time ofher body weeping because it had no child. That it was a sign of a woman’sweakness that needed to be overcome by ignoring both the pain and crudeness ofit.

Her ears perkup. “Conditioning? Like training?”

“Exactly,”Kakashi says.

Sakura pauses,and then cautiously comes out from behind her hiding space to consider herinstructor. He is lingering against a tree, casual and unimposing, and keepinga respectful distance.

“What do youmean?” Sakura asks, taking a tentative step forward, though the bushes stillobscure her lower body.

“You arecapable of handling greater discomfort than either Sasuke or even Naruto willever be able to do,” Kakashi tells her. “Considering the pain both of them havehad in their lives already, that’s rather substantial.”

Wait, what?

“As kunoichi,you’re expected to meet all the same standards as male shinobi—and that’s whileenduring a regular pain that men never can,” he continues. “That makes youstronger in many ways.  And that’s noteven referring to those women who choose to become mothers. They’re in acategory of their own. That magnitude of strength was never meant to be asource of shame; if it was, it would not have been a function necessary tohuman survival.” He cocks his head, meeting her gaze. “Don’t you think?”

“I-I…”

Sakura’sthoughts stagger together at that, because it makes the kind of obvious sensethat she feels silly for not considering earlier. If she hadn’t had peopletelling her from childhood that this was the sort of thing she had to hide orbe worried about others knowing, she might have reacted to its occurrence withmere curiosity. Or shrugged at it as a quirk of the female human body.

Even hermother, in her sympathetic way, told Sakura that it was a woman’s task toensure no man knew if she was undergoing her ‘flowering time’.

“Men areuncomfortable about this sort of thing,” Mama informed her when Sakura was theage to start asking questions. “So, it’s better to only talk about thesematters with other women around.”

Girls atschool always talked about accidentally bleeding through their clothes with thesame severity of losing control of their bladder in public.

One of those things Ican control; the other, I can’t.

The notion isone she suddenly understands that not many people—even other women—are able tomake.

“Well?”

Kakashi isstill watching her face, the gleam in his eye suggesting he’s watching her cometo her important conclusion and glad that she has.

“Yes,” Sakuraagrees, and it feels almost like something invisible or intangible has settledirreversibly into place. “That makes sense.”

“I thought so,too,” he agrees. “I’ll tell my girlfriend that she’s incredibly smart.”

Sakura snortsat this. “Right. As if I’d believe youhave a girlfriend.”

“I do.”

“No offense,Kakashi-sensei, but no one who reads as much porn out in the open could get agirlfriend,” Sakura tells him. “Women have standards.”

Kakashi’s wideeyes suggest he is gaping at her, and then he sighs loudly.

“No respect…,”he sighs in a long-suffering voice, and glances up at the sky to judge thetime. “Anyhow, it’s getting late. We can either sit here in this bush forever,or we can get up and go home. I’m open to both, but personally I’d suggest thelatter, because at some point we’re all going to get hungry. And between youand me, I don’t trust Naruto not to try to kill and cannibalise Sasuke.”

“As if Sasukewould let him,” Sakura sniffs, automatically coming to the defense of theUchiha boy. Kakashi’s eyes crinkle a bit at that, and Sakura can’t help her owntiny smile. Then she exhales and steels herself: if she can handle walking backinto Konoha with blood seeping through her clothes, she can do anything.

This is not something to be embarrassed about.

Besides, maybeeveryone will just think I was wounded on the mission, she adds insomething too false for hope. It’s very obvious where her bleeding is comingfrom, so she’s not especially confident about that possibility. Come on! Just suck it up and go!

Of course, asusual, it’s easier to brave in her head than it is outside.

Kakashiperhaps notices her hesitation, because he suddenly shrugs out of his flakjacket; a red spiral tattoo stands out starkly against the pale skin of hisbicep. Before she can comprehend his puzzling action, he pulls it inside-out bythe sleeves until only the dark-blue interior shows and holds it out to her.

“Your choice,if you want,” he tells her, and Sakura gratefully accepts.

I’ll be brave aboutbleeding through my clothes some other day, she decides as she wraps the jacket around herwaist; the sleeves hang across her front in a way to obscure the stain there. Just…not today…

She feelsthat, considering the misadventures with the sheep, she is totally justified innot feeling very confident right now.

“Let’s go,”she says at last, fighting against the nervous tremble in her voice as shestands up.

She tries notto feel so very conscious of the feeling of her thighs rubbing and the waddedpad of linen between her legs.

Sakura tiptoesout from behind the bush and heads back to the road where Sasuke and Naruto arewaiting. They’re loitering noticeably, and when she gets within three feet ofthem, the three preteens look at each other and then quickly look away.

Kakashireturns and says, “Let’s get going, kids,” and heads onward. In uncomfortablesilence, his students follow him.

While theycontinue their walk, Naruto sneaks glances at her, oddly tense. Sakura suspectsKakashi explained to him what was going on before he came looking for her. Theblond boy looks unsure if he’s grossed out or intimidated or in awe of her, andso has settled for rude staring.

As if he has any business staring at me?!

Sakura isabout to reach over and punch him for it, when he swivels suddenly and demandsof Kakashi, “Hey, Kakashi-sensei, did that tattoo hurt? I wanted to get one forbecoming a genin, but the stupid old man doing the tattoos said it hurt toomuch for kids. I told him I could take it, but he didn’t believe me. Maybe ifyou put in a good word for me…?”

The babble islouder and more noticeable than usual, the way forced conversation tends to be,but it’s a step back to normal. Sakura relaxes a bit, glad that Naruto isn’tgoing to be his usual tone-deaf self and start asking a bunch of embarrassingquestions.

It’s hard tobe completely at ease, though, especially as Sasuke doesn’t even look at her.That makes her already shaky confidence waver. What if this embarrasses him somuch he can never look at her again without remembering her bleeding throughher clothing?

But then whileNaruto starts to describe the tattoo he wants (a robot fighting a giantlizard), Sasuke suddenly speaks: “Ginger.”

“Huh?” Sakurasays for wont of anything intelligent to say.

“Ginger tea,”he clarifies, not looking at her but, is she imagining it, or is the back ofhis neck red. “My father always made my mother ginger tea when she was… Iteases the pain.”

“I…yeah, mymother says that, too,” Sakura replies shyly, cheeks warming once more. It’s sorare that he talks about his family, that she almost forgets what he’s makingreference to.

“It’s alsoeasier to find than something like dark chocolate if we get assigned a longmission away,” he continues. “We should all stock up.”

He quickenshis pace then, putting distance between them and an effective end to any furtherpossible conversation.

But the restof Sakura warms at that. Though she knows he is simply taking this all in hisusual logical stride—a member of his team experiencing monthly bouts of paincould affect their mission—it’s still a show of Sasuke’s concern.

It almostmakes up for him having witnessed the most embarrassing moment in her entire life.

Almost.

つづく

Hopefully you enjoyed it!

I wasoriginally going to have this be a short one-shot with each of our team members goingthrough a different, humorous challenge. But while I was writing Sakura’s bit,I started to move away from the humour theme and started to tap into an annoyanceI’ve always had about how people talk about girls going through puberty. Womenare shamed about their periods from long before they even have them,conditioned to hide them and feel guilty when they accidentally bleed throughtheir clothes or are too pained by cramps to go outside. And heavens forbid theyeven mention it within the hearing of a man, for goddess sake, hissensibilities! *gasp*

So, this fic sort ofevolved into a three-parter dealing with the not-so-fun bits of puberty in amore informative, open-manner. If you want to see me write the funny side ofpuberty, check out Walk a Mile. I’llbe dealing with it there. For this 3-parter, though I’ll examine the emotional andphysical toll it can take on kids going through these changes, especially in amixed-group setting. That’s not to say there won’t be any humour, but that’s not going to be the focus. I hope that’sokay, since the prompt didn’t specifically require humour…

Anyhow, that’s my long-ass postscript. Until next time!

(Next Chapter)

[my-wayward-son]

2 months on T-------------------> 7 months on T

I’m late with this post.  Again.  Because I’m doing really shitty.  Again.

First, let me address the obvious: yes, I’ve lost weight. (Well, if you wanna get technical, I weigh the exact same thing as when I started, which I probably shouldn’t).  But beyond that, I don’t want to talk about it.  That change is probably 25% due to testosterone and the tendency it has to aid in the development of lean muscle, and 75% due to other factors.

All the previous changes I’ve noted in these posts are still happening/happening more, such as still more body hair growing/thickening.  There’s really nothing new to report, except that I pass better when I have on glasses and teenage boy clothes (as opposed to professional clothes), but still get a lot of gender neutral and she/her designations mixed in with the he/hims.  

I had a dream last night about correcting my dad (his typical naming convention for me is Laura, I mean, Laur, she, I mean, Laur...) . So he’s trying when he’s in front of me, but it’s obvious he isn’t trying when he’s talking to my mom without me present.  I’m torn between being upset about it and letting it go.  My dad was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult and he struggles with shifting his perspective.  This is something else I don’t want to talk about, but just know that my far-from-NT-yet-decidedly-allistic ass has a hard time reconciling it.

But anyhow, the transition is going great, and I have no reason to be upset about anything, but I’m upset about everything, and the rest is going under the cut because it’s going to be full of triggers (suicide and ED stuff).

For my whole life I never understood why anyone would want one of those dolls that you can customize to look exactly like you.  My thought was always, ‘what’s so special about me?  I kind of suck.’  I thought so little of myself and my live, even as a little kid, that I would rather pick the princess or the American Girl or whatever with the most interesting story and change myself to match.  Like I’d beg my mom for an outfit the same color as the character’s, or wear sunglasses with the lenses popped out, or only style my hair the same way as the character in order to adapt into that character.  

Of course all those phases were just that, phases.  They were highly tied to the media I consumed, and as I aged, that media changed.  So I was always editing myself to match my current obsession.  I never gave thought to what I was actually like, deep inside.  Like it didn’t matter what my actual personality was.  I hardly even thought about it until the end of high school, and then a series of traumas knocked me down a few pegs, and that sense of self didn’t come back to the surface until mid 2017.

In mid 2017, I went to a 2-week dance convention.  At that time I was living as female, had basically given up on the idea of transitioning, and was just trying to push through as a painfully shy 24-year-old who worked full time and danced part time with a local ballet company.  At the convention, I studied various styles of dance, realized I was extremely untrained in every field but ballet, and spent the entire thing on the verge of tears because I was with students over 10 years my junior in most of the classes.  It was an “all ages” program, but literally all the other adults were in professional level classes for all styles.  I was only in the professional level class for ballet.  I couldn’t wait for the convention to end.  I hated every second of it.  I had a chronic foot injury that made dancing painful (but not dangerous), but I’d always pushed through it because I loved it.  Now I could barely stand to go to class, even back with my regular company.  So I made arrangements to retire. 

I retired from professional dance in May 2018 and had foot surgery in June 2018.  I could dance again, if I wanted to, but I’m not ready yet.  Eventually I might go back as a recreational adult dancer, just taking class from time to time.  But I don’t know.  

I still love ballet, but as of a year ago, ballet was the one thing hanging over me that I hated.  I hated the obligation; I hated the way it tore up my body; I hated the way it made me exhausted and ate up all my spare time. However, I was damn productive.  I wrote so many fics and drew so many pictures, and I went to therapy at least every other week, and sometimes to PT.  I was at the studio approximately 20 hours a week, on top of working 40 hours a week.  But I guess I was so busy and tied to my obligations that I quite literally couldn’t fall apart.  

My uncle died (suicide, marking the 4th attempt and 2nd success in my family) and my granddad died (heart condition), so I had good reason to fall apart.  I was freaked out and sad for a while, but I was also fine.  I was a robot.  When I look back, I realize that the last time I was happy was prior to the 4th of July 2017.  I call that the “Wonder Woman Moment.”  I did a photo shoot for a ballet personal training/nutrition service that dressed me up in WW-esque dancewear.  We blasted Patty Smythe and had a ball.  Even though it was a really feminine thing, it was so much fun, and I had no worries.  It was July 1st 2017.  Before my uncle died, and before my granddad died and before I went to the dance convention.  That’s my last happy memory.

After unpacking some acute issues with grief and anxiety, my therapist started talking to me about my issues with gender ID.  By November 2017 I was thinking about transitioning (I had thought about it before, but never felt it was feasible).  By December, I’d decided it felt right.  I sought out a doctor in January 2018 and had my first appointment in February.  I told my mom on Superbowl Sunday.  Then a month later at my Oscar party, she basically washed her hands of me.

I love film crit and the Academy Awards almost as much as I love fanfiction and ballet and coffee and all the other good things.  I’ve been on the edge of my seat waiting for the 2019 noms to drop.  I know a few of them just from the grapevine, but I haven’t looked them up yet.  I’m still working from my early prediction spreadsheet, even though the actual noms are just a few clicks away.  I’m scared of the feelings that’s going to bring up.

One year ago, all I could think about was getting through the next 6 months and reaching a series of milestones: my company’s production of Alice in Wonderland.  Moving to a new apartment.  My company’s production of Water for Chocolate (an original contemporary ballet choreographed on me and 14 other dancers).  Starting testosterone.  Retiring from ballet.  Foot surgery.  I thought my life would be so much better.

And in a way, it is.  I have the confidence to do random shit, like walk into Autozone and talk to the workers about what is wrong with my car, then help them fix it.  A year ago, I would have panic attacks over things like that.  But a year ago, my mom loved me.  A year ago, I thought I’d have my current job forever.  A year ago, I thought once I got on T, my eating disorder behaviors would go away.

I’ve gained personal confidence, but lost so much else.  Lost my family.  Gained a new one, but still, I lost my relationship with my biological mother and father.  Lost my job satisfaction, which makes me worry that at some point I will have to interview for a new job and integrate with a new company, which is frightening in the extreme.  T has changed my body shape in the way I like, but it’s not magic.  I’m still afraid of eating, and stress doesn’t help.  I’ve also had health complications that add pressure and make me feel run down.  Some is my own damn fault (Hi, I’m Laur and I abuse OTC medications like a rebellious teenager, which is apparently not advisable when also on several prescriptions).  Some is a fluke.  But feeling like shit while also mentally feeling like shit has destroyed me.  I hate my life.  I hate everything.  I don’t see the value in anything.   

I know there’s a Spider-Man: Far from Home trailer out there.  I haven’t seen it.  I don’t know what to expect.  I want to see it.  But I also don’t want time to move forward.  I like the MCU as it is (I like it pre-Infinity War, actually, but nobody asked me, so I won’t belabor you with my opinion).

And that’s a good metaphor for my life right now.  It’s a mess.  I can’t picture anything far in the future, so the light from my proverbial headlights is dim and dull.  I’m afraid of moving forward, so my tires are spinning in place, kicking up mud and dust.   I’m incapable of shifting side to side, so when I do roll ahead a few inches, I hit every obstacle in the path.  If I just changed the lightbulbs, twiddled the steering wheel, took a breath and let myself move, I’d probably be fine.  But somehow that seems like the most impossible choice.  

I could slam the car into one of the cave walls, triggering a rockslide and killing myself.  If I did that, I know it would hurt a lot of people in my life, but it would also fulfill all of my hopes and dreams.   Peace.  Calmness.  Stillness.  Not having to deal with a world that insists on moving forward with the passage of time.  

The most compelling reason is that I can’t find a reason not to.  I wish I was an undergraduate student again, because I want to get a degree in philosophy.  I don’t know why living is so highly valued.  I can’t figure out what makes this “will to live” the correct way of thinking and the desire to die the wrong way of thinking.  Right and wrong are subjective.  They don’t exist, really.  There is not value behind things and thoughts and actions.  They just are.  What’s to say that a lack of serotonin or whatever in a depressed brain is really not normal?  The non-depressed brain may have an excess.  Normal is relative.  Averages don’t mean correct.  Just because most people in the class chose answer B doesn’t mean that it is the right answer to the question.  Just because most Americans are a little overweight doesn’t mean that that’s the healthiest body type.  

Sometimes I really want to try to get well and forge ahead and get my life together.  Sometimes I want to say fuck it and take all the pills in the house and lay down and drift away.  I can’t decide which is better because neither is better, they both are just choices.  I can’t use other people’s reasoning to back up either one, for they are slanted for reasons I cannot understand.  They have a bias toward life.  I have to choose what I really want most, and I just don’t know.  I truly don’t.  My wants and desires-the deep ones in the core of my being- have been so long ignored, given up for what a character would do, or what my mom would do, that as an adult, I hardly know how to access the decision-making skills that most children have already mastered.  I’m a fucking goldfish; when I’m upset, I’m only upset, and I’ve always been upset.  When I’m happy, I’m only happy and I’ve always been happy.  I don’t know how to take a step back and see both at the same time.  I can’t hold contradictory truths at once.  I’m not wise.  I’m set up to fail because there are cracks in my foundation.

As long as I continue to not decide, I don’t take action.  I’m stuck in a holding pattern of “I don’t know,” and “what’s going to get me through the next 5 minutes,” and “just fuck it all, it doesn’t matter.”  

I’ve never, ever, in my life imagined myself as an elderly person.  I’ve thought of myself as a middle-aged adult, but never past 40 or so.  Sometimes I see myself as a woman, sometimes as a man, sometimes an NB person.  But that’s not what matters.  I don’t see myself living to old age.  Mortality is comfort.  The fact that this life doesn’t go on forever is one thing that honestly makes it seem ok to keep living.  But by definition, it also makes it seem like a good choice to die when things go wrong.  Because I will in the end.  

I see my life as a project, and I’ve always had this dilemma with projects: if I make a mistake, what point is too ruined to salvage?  What factors make it more worthwhile to backtrack and fix the mistakes vs. just throwing it away.  Fixing the mistakes shoes dedication and perseverance, but it’s frustrating.  Hot.  Angry.  Uncomfortable.  Embarrassing to show youthful ineptitude to the world.  Throwing it away is quick.  Easy.  Zen.  Brings immediate cool relief with grace and style.  But it’s selfish.  So fucking selfish.  

If you’ve read this far, please proceed to pour water into your ears and shake vigorously.  This was not meant to be imprinted on your brain.  This is for me to sort out my thoughts, which are, and shall always be, unable to be ordered.

[scarheaded-ferret]

Hey my Dude, I was wondering could you write a Drarry Soul mate AU? So when you meet your soulmate you get their first name on your wrist/forearm. Also could you add background pairings ron x Hermione and ginny x Luna? Thanks!

Sorry for the wait!! I love soulmate au’s :^D, here you go my dude (this one is long oof):

Harry stepped up to the small platform in the robes shop, where a young blond boy was getting fitted for what looked like various sets of robes. Harry felt a strange tingly feeling on his wrist as he looked at the boy, that soon spread throughout his body. It kind of felt similar to what he felt when he received his wand. Harry looked down at his wrist to see two words inscribed on it: Draco Malfoy. Harry pouted, it looked like a name. But why was there a name on his wrist?

The young boy on the small platform gasped and Harry looked up into bright grey eyes.

“What’s your name?” The young boy demanded. Harry didn’t really have a good feeling about this, but he told the boy anyway.

“I’m Harry Potter,” He said. The boy’s eyebrows rode up, and a look of fear washed over his face before he ran out of the shop. Harry watched him go, confused by the strange interaction. The woman who was fitting the boy sighed, and told Harry to step up for his own robes. Harry would have to ask Hagrid what the name on his wrist meant.

***

Tears welled in Draco’s eyes as he raced to the wand store his mother was at. It wasn’t Ollivander’s, but rather a smaller, more expensive chain that fixed and restored old and broken wands. He found his mother immediately and tugged on her robes.

“What is it, my darling? What is the matter?” She said, cupping his cheek. Draco shoved his wrist in front of her and her eyes widened. “Oh- oh dear, we mustn’t tell your father. Draco, you mustn’t tell anyone. Do you understand?” She asked, and Draco nodded. She wiped the tears from his face and once they had gathered their things they apparated back home. A house-elf was sent to retrieve Draco’s forgotten robes.

Draco had grown up his whole life hearing about soulmates. The one person who you were destined to love. When you first met them, their name would appear on your wand wrist, revealing the person who were meant to love and be loved by. He had read all the stories as a child, until his father had reprimanded him and told him to read books more fitting for “a boy his age”. Draco had never let the stories leave his heart though, and he constantly had his mother tell him the story of her soulmate.

Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black had met before they could properly hold a wand. They had met at one of the parties hosted for pureblood families, and had remained friends since. They went through the proper courting and got married almost immediately after Hogwarts. A perfect love story.

Yet not every human was a good person, just because they had a soulmate didn’t mean that they stopped being a bad person. Lucius was quick to inform Draco as a child that unless his mate was a pureblood girl from a nice family, he would not marry them. Draco had cried at the thought of being separated from his soulmate, but his mother reminded him that his soulmate probably would be a nice pureblood girl, whom he would love very much.

Draco now sat on his bed, sobbing into his pillow as his mother stroked his back soothingly.

“Father won’t let me marry Harry Potter, won’t he?” Narcissa shook her head sadly and continued to rub Draco’s back.

“It’ll be alright my love, perhaps you and young Harry could simply be friends? Not all soulmates are in romantic relationships,” Draco sniffed and nodded his head. His mind eased by the thought of he and Harry becoming friends. Maybe he could be with his soulmate after all.

***

When Harry showed Hagrid the name on his wrist, Hagrid had chuckled softly and patted the top of Harry’s head.

“Why s’ just yer soulmate, figures you’d get stuck with a Malfoy, but I bet he’ll turn round for yer sake,” Harry was confused. Soulmates were made up, weren’t they? He used to hide behind the couch and watch the movies that Dudley watched if he got the chance, and sometimes they were about soulmates. But apparently in the wizarding world they were very much real, and Hagrid had told him about how every wizard and witch got their soulmate’s name tattooed magically on their wrist when they first met them.

“So this- Draco Malfoy, is my soulmate. Even if it’s a boy?” Harry asked. Hagrid nodded.

“Wizards are a tad more- accepting than muggle folk, no one can control their soulmate, and it’d be rude to keep em’ apart. But some purebloods like to have their children marry for money or a good name” Harry nodded slowly, assimilating this.

“But- if he’s my soulmate, why did he run away?”

Hagrid seemed lost in thought for a moment.

“Ye should ask him that when ye get to Hogwarts. I’m sure he’d be happy that Harry Potter is his soulmate, eh?” Hagrid nudged him and laughed, Harry smiled and dug into his ice cream. He had a soulmate, he thought as he took a bite, a soulmate named Draco Malfoy.

***

Harry had been on the train with Ron when a bushy haired girl stormed into their compartment, asking about some other boy’s lost toad. Ron hadn’t responded, and had dropped the carton of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavoured Beans that he was holding. He pulled down the sleeve of his jumper and gasped at his wrist.

“Are- are you Hermione Granger?” the girl, Hermione, looked at him inquisitively.

“Yes? And you are?” She asked. Suddenly, a confused look ran over her face, and she too looked down at her wrist and gasped.

“I’m Ron Weasley! I think we’re-”

“Soulmates,” she finished for him, beaming as she sat across from Harry and Ron.

“I guess we better get to know each other, I read up on soulmates before I got here, my parents are muggles,” She told him. She then turned to Harry, who was smiling softly at the pair with amusement. “You’re Harry Potter!” she said, looking at his uncovered scar. Harry nodded at Hermione and shook the hand she held out to him.

“Er- nice to meet you,” He told her.

“Have you found your soulmate already, Harry?” She asked. Ron looked at him too, still grinning from the excitement of finding his soulmate.

“Yeah, uh here,” Harry held out his wrist and Ron promptly choked on a bean.

“Draco Malfoy? Oh, that’s rotten luck, the Malfoy’s are a bad sort, all blood purists and snobby,” Harry frowned, he didn’t like to hear his soulmate being insulted, but he trusted Ron more than Malfoy, who he had actually never met. Just then the compartment door opened, and the subject of their conversation peered in.

“It’s true then, Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts,” He smirked at Harry, and his eyes narrowed as they flicked over Ron.

“You- You’re the boy from the robes shop, we’re soulmates,” Harry tried to smile at him.

“Yes,” Malfoy agreed. He stuck out his hand, “I think as soulmates, we should be friends, you wouldn’t want to be with the wrong sort now,” Malfoy said, glancing distastefully at both Ron and Hermione. Harry became angry at that, these were his first friends and Malfoy was insulting them. Soulmate or not, it wasn’t right.

“I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks,” He said, and winced as hurt took over Malfoy’s face.

“Fine then, should’ve known you’d be a lousy soulmate anyhow, Potter,” Draco spat. With that Draco strode out of the compartment, two large boys following close behind. Harry never did get to ask him why he ran away.

***

Their rivalry continued throughout the years, both choosing to ignore the fact that they were soulmates. It was his 4th year and Harry was thinking of someone to ask to the yule ball. He approached Ginny, but found she was going with Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw in his year and Ginny’s soulmate. Harry was happy for Ron’s little sister, but couldn’t help the flash of disappointment in being denied a date. He ended up going alone to the yule ball, and though Ron and Hermione made sure that they spent most of their time with him and not just each other, he couldn’t help but feeling a pang of loneliness.

He glared at Malfoy, who was spinning Pansy Parkinson around gracefully, his blond hair wasn’t slicked back, but fell in loose strands that framed his face elegantly. Harry just wished that he had a soulmate who could actually love him, not one who insulted his friends and had tried to ruin his life on multiple occasions. Not many knew that they were soulmates, for neither Draco or Harry were eager to tell others. Harry just wished that Malfoy could actually love him.

***

It was his 6th year, and Draco sobbed into his arms as he curled into himself tightly in the hospital wing. Potter, his supposed soulmate, had just torn him open- on purpose. Draco couldn’t help but pine towards the Gryffindor throughout his years at Hogwarts. He knew that after his mistake on the train, that Potter would never be his friend. So Draco took to trying to get a rise out of Potter every chance he could, just to see his reaction.

Two days ago, however, he had just wanted Potter to leave. Draco’s home had been overtaken by that monster, and his parents could be killed any day now. Not that Draco cared too much about his father. Only his mother, yet, if his father wasn’t there, there wouldn’t be anyone to protect her. The bloody cabinet he was supposed to fix wasn’t working, and the last thing he needed was Potter barging in and disrupting his breakdown.

The pain he felt as Potter slashed his chest open had been more than physical. It proved that his soulmate hated him, that there wasn’t anyone out there meant to love him. And it hurt. Draco cried himself to sleep in the hospital bed that night, luckily there were no other occupants in the wing with him, so there was no one to disturb him.

Draco woke the next morning to feel a pressure around his hand. He jolted up and looked down to see his pale fingers entwined with darker ones. His eyes followed up along the arm of what could only be Harry Potter, and was met with the Gryffindor’s sleeping form. His glasses were askew and his hair was a mess, but then again, it always was like that.

Draco slowly extracted his hand and rolled over, pretending that it had never happened. He must still be woozy from the pain potions, or maybe he was dreaming. Draco pinched himself and looked behind him, but Potter was still there.

Draco turned back round and closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep, hoping that Potter would leave before he would wake up. Draco was confused. Why was Potter holding his hand? They were soulmates but- Potter hated him. Maybe the bloody git feels guilty for treating you like a practice board for a Diffindo charm. That was a pretty likely option for Potter, who Draco had watched throughout his teen years. It’s just guilt, his hand probably fell or something, and it just ended up that way. Yes, that seemed like a more logical option for Draco, and he fell asleep once more.

When he woke up, Potter was thankfully gone and Snape had come for him.

***

Harry winced as he was pushed to the ground in front of Malfoy.

“Is it him, Draco? Is it Potter? Look again,”

“I- I can’t be sure,” Draco responded shakily. It was Potter, though, but he sure as hell wouldn’t let his father know that. Potter’s bright green eyes were slightly hidden behind the hexed bubbles that covered his face, and they gazed up at Draco. Draco gave one more look at Potter before standing and going back to his mother. She gave him a concerned look and he shook his head. She knew he was lying.

***

Harry needed to get to the forbidden forest, he had already said his goodbyes to Ron and Hermione. But he needed to find someone else now. It was his luck that he spotted the signature white-blond color of his hair in the sea of running students, and Harry quickly grabbed him. Malfoy froze and put his wand under Harry’s neck until he saw who it was and slowly lowered his wand. Yet his eyes were still wide and fearful.

Harry didn’t say anything. But he leaned in and kissed Draco chastely. Draco stumbled, but leaned into the kiss quickly.

“W-why?” He asked Harry shakily.

“I need to die,” Harry whispered. Draco’s mouth went agape and he opened his mouth to say something but Harry kissed him again. “I’m sorry,” he said, and then he ran away.

***

It was over, Voldemort’s corpse lay at Harry’s feet and Draco’s heart soared. In what felt like just a minute ago, Hagrid had carried Harry’s limp form into the courtyard, but then he had jumped up and ran at Voldemort, killing the Dark Lord with a simple Expelliarmus. Draco started to run towards him, but was jerked back violently. He turned around to be met with a glaring Auror. Draco shut his eyes as they apparated. He hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye.

***

Harry watched in horror as they brought Draco out. He had only stayed a week in Azkaban, awaiting his trial, yet his hair was already dirty and matted, and there was a series of fresh bruises and scars that dotted his face. Harry guessed that they hadn’t even allowed him to clean up after the battle. When they called him up, Harry stood and proceeded to tell the Wizengamot how Draco was forced into his role as a Death Eater, how Draco has saved his life, and how Harry had saved his. He left out that they were soulmates, and soon Draco was released on one month’s probation and house arrest. Harry didn’t get the chance to talk to him afterwards.

***

Draco kept his head down as he walked into the Great Hall for his 8th year. He sat at the table specifically designed for the returning students, and refused to return Potter’s stare from the other end of the table. The speech McGonagall presented was lighthearted and told of equality, how no prejudices should be held, the war was over, etc.

Draco just wanted to get to his dorm as quick as possible. He barely touched his food before he stood and silently walked out. He ignored the whispers and glares that followed him and made his way to the 8th year dorms that were located on the previously unused 3rd floor corridor.

He made his way up to where the boys dorms were, and searched to find the one that had his name on it. There were four boys to a room, and only four rooms in the hallway, so it wasn’t hard to find his own. Dread engulfed him when he saw his name listed amongst Weasley’s, Boot’s and Potter’s.

Draco pushed through the door and went to the bed where his trunk was sat. He changed into a white t-shirt and pajama pants, and slid into his bed. He made sure to close the curtains and cast a silencing charm, in case he had a nightmare. He knew it would be unlikely- considering that Draco would probably not be able to fall asleep that night.

***

Harry picked around his food until he heard Hermione scoff.

“Go after him, Harry,” she told him softly. Harry looked up at his best friend and furrowed his brows.

“He wouldn’t want to talk to me,” He told her.

“Like hell he wouldn’t, the git’s been in love with you since forever, and so have you,” Ron told him. Hermione clucked her tongue at his swearing and swatted his shoulder. She turned back to Harry.

“You shouldn’t outright force him into anything, but maybe befriend him. After all, me and Ron didn’t start dating until 6th year,” Harry nodded and bit his lip before rising and walking swiftly out of the Great Hall. He was gonna befriend Draco Malfoy. He was finally gonna befriend his soulmate.

***

3 months later…

Draco curled into the warmth that was his boyfriend as they lay cuddled together in Draco’s bed. Harry’s head was tucked under his chin, and had wrapped himself around Draco like a koala bear. Draco ran his hand through the strands on Harry’s neck and leant his head down to kiss his head. Harry groaned softly and shifted beneath him. Draco watched as his eyes fluttered open, and he smiled sleepily at Draco.

“Hullo, love,” He muttered and Draco kissed him softly. It was 3 months ago that Harry had begun to sit with him at meals and classes, offered to have a seeker’s game on the pitch, and study in the library. After a weak of his badgering, Draco complied and the two did almost everything together.

It was on Halloween that Draco had found Harry curled up by himself on his bed, crying softly. Draco had remembered the significance of that date for him, the date of his parent’s deaths, and had pulled Harry into his arms. Draco had wondered why he wasn’t with Weasley and Granger, but found that Harry had told them to leave him on his own. Yet, he hadn’t pushed Draco away and although Harry was shocked at first by the gesture, he had leaned into the comfort. They had fallen asleep like that, and the next morning Harry had kissed him as they got up together. They had been dating ever since.

“Good morning,” Draco whispered. Harry let his eyes close again and he tucked his head under Draco’s own once more.

“What’s the time?” he muttered into Draco’s neck.

“Half eight,” Draco said softly. He twirled one of Harry’s curls round his finger. “We need to get up,” He dislodged himself from Harry and laughed as Harry grunted in discontent. He began to get dressed and Harry rose a couple minutes later.

They walked down to the Great Hall together. Before they ate, Draco’s mother’s barn owl swooped down in front of him and dropped a small letter. She was still on house arrest and he wrote to her weekly. She was aware of his relationship with Harry, and had been surprisingly supportive. Apparently Lucius’ opinion on the matter was irrelevant now that he was in Azkaban for life. Draco tucked away the letter to read later and pulled a cup of tea towards himself.

He turned and watched as Harry piled a meager amount of food on his plate. He tsked and put another spoonful of potatoes and eggs on his plate, as well as another scoop of beans on Harry’s toast. Harry sighed and rolled his eyes but a smile flickered at his mouth.

Draco looked up as he sipped his tea and faintly smiled at the sight in front of him. Ginny Weasley had closed her eyes and was leaning her head on Luna’s shoulder as Luna read aloud from a book of magical creatures in the America’s. Ginny would smile every now and then and ask Luna to repeat a fact, which Luna gladly recited. He turned to spare a glance at Harry and found his boyfriend beaming at him.

“They’re happy, aren’t they?” Draco whispered, returning his smile softly.

“Yes, and so are we” Harry said as he leaned in to kiss him.

[denimini]

Jimin and Jungkook on their own and together and the 3As

This is continuation of my thoughts on this post (Part 2): https://denivned.tumblr.com/post/168151815086/about-ships-gcf-jungkook-and-jimin-and-ship

Disclaimer: These are my own thoughts. I am not attacking any ship in any way. So If you support another ship and happen to see this post please know that I respect everyone’s opinion and I would always fight for the right it to be voiced, even if I don’t share it. I simply want to talk about some things I have been contemplating (and hear different points of view on them as well). Feel free to ignore any part you don’t agree with and let’s be gentle and civil with each other!

About Jimin: one look at my blog and you would know he is my bias. He has been ever since I saw him in BS&T and he snatched me by the hair into his lane. Since then I’ve been a loyal stan (mostly, Disrespect-Kook almost wrecked me with his body rolls at Mic Drop Dance break MAMA2017). All the Bangtan boys are wonderful and deserve all the love in the world, but to me JM is just special. Maybe it’s his precious smile, his dual personality, his sweet and caring nature; maybe I connect with his journey of self-acceptance and love. I don’t fully know myself .

Anyhow, I know we all love the boys but it is important to remember that we don’t actually really fully know them! Something that should definitely be kept in mind when talking about things like sexuality and what not. Basically this is just a harmless analysis, no need to get too serious about it!

Now onto the analysis itself:

Let’s start by talking about JK. It’s no secret this Bun is an introvert and is not into openly sharing his feelings. He is also a little shy; used to be a lot shyer but got over that to a certain extent as he got older. Still, compared to JM for example, he is more reserved. He is no way cold, I actually think he’s a big softie at heart just doesn’t do that well with expressing feelings. He either keeps queit or blurts the most absurd things in the most inappropriate times (“Arrest me”). Maybe that is one of the reasons he keeps quiet: when he opens his mouth he doesn’t seem to have much control over what comes out of it (especially when it comes to JM).

On the other hand people seem to think JM is very easy to read, an open book if you may because he is an extrovert and has a natural way with people. I think this is far from the truth. All idols are trained to perfect the art of sharing; they know how to say just enough to make us feel close to them but not enough to actually reveal something deeply personal. It’s a skill that comes with the job. When JM was younger, he used to be a lot more bolder with his statements (“Why do I like you so much”; “I am going crazy because I like Jungkook too much”) but in complete opposite of JK, as he got older, he got more reserved and subtle (though we got a little a return of the “old” JM in the DNA era).  No doubt Jimin is an affectionate person, it’s one of his best qualities; he likes to show his affection and is naturally touchier than say JK. He is also undeniably a tease. The boy is one part angel, one part demon. I think he knows what his appearance and actions can do and likes using that knowledge. He teases physically and mentally (damn those hidden clues in his twitter posts), he likes keeping us on our toes. But we’re not the only ones affected. People of both genders everywhere fall for his charms: the other BTS member (all of them, even big tsundere Yoongi and especially Namjoon), other idols (I’m looking at you Chanyeol), MCs, interviewers, male youtubers, cameramen and etc. He is simultaneously open and an enigma.

And in that direction of thought his sexuality is also not that easy to deduct. He is not as shy and uncomfortable with girls as JK is, in fact JM has a certain way with them and I think he knows it. But at the same time there were several occasions he looked interested in men as well (saying “nice body” to the diver in BV2; complimenting the pilot for being “cool”, not denying it when Tae said he likes guys.). He is touchy, but generally so and he could possibly simply likes hugs and affection. Actually, I think that if we assume for a minute that both JK and JM are not entirely heterosexual, JM is definitely the less obvious of the two of them. Whereas JK’s general attitude could serve as a clue for making deductions, JM’s only adds to the confusion.

Now, sexuality aside, let’s talk about what there really is between Jungkook and Jimin. Well, my answer are the 3As: Admiration, Affection and Attraction.

1.       Admiration: ever since they were younger JK has said he finds JM “cool”. He said he watched him monitoring music videos and copying them, he said he admires his hard working nature and he stated Jimin is someone who “stimulates him off and on stage”. As for Jimin, he has said on multiple occasions that he finds JK extremely valuable to the group, that “he is the most important member” and that he is good at everything: singing, dancing, drawing, imitating other people, sports and is also handsome. I think it is more than clear that at the very least there is a lot of mutual respect between them.

 2.       Affection: there is quite, quite a lot of it between them. They are close, extremely so and have been ever since pre-debut.  The myth that “JK hates Jimin” should have died a long time ago; in fact it should’ve died the moment JK said: “I am like this (shy) because I like him too much” or when he got super offended when asked if he liked Jimin and said “Yes, yes I like him. Of course I like him”.  But somehow it lived to see another day and even manifested itself in the stupid and unnecessary joke “Jk feat Jm in Leave me alone”. I think though that with the release of G.C.F this stupidity got buried approximately 100 meters below the ground. Nobody goes alone on a trip with someone, spends hours filming  and  editing a video of that someone’s face, making that person’s laugh in slow motion and choosing THAT song as background music for someone he doesn’t at least like! 

As for Jimin, I think it is clear that he has a Jupiter-sized soft spot for the Bunny. Like, he lets him do pretty much anything. In his own words: “I could never say no to him”. He lets him tease him and speak in banmal, call him “baby” (still not over this) even though JM is older (a big deal in South Korea) and so on. Just hearing one time the soft way he says “Oh, Jungkookiee” in the graduation bomb is enough to convince you. It is painstakingly clear they care for each other a lot, like an absurd amount. 

They are each other’s main supporter, presidents of the fan club of the other, personal encyclopedias, they are always together at airports and cars, and they are both physically and verbally always there for each other. They defend each other (Jimin scolding Tae in BV2 for not helping Jungkook); in their own words they fit well together and as JK said “all the time it’s just the two of us”. For God’s sake one of them is known for being a satellite of the other. Nobody does and says these things if they don’t harbor deep affection for the other person!

 3.       Attraction: (now here things get controversial). To some people they’re just brothers, a hyung and a dongsaeng and JK and JM themselves has described each other as such. This sparked some nasty accusations of shippers for promoting incest (though funny enough mainly from supporters of other ships in BTS). It is perfectly fine if you see them as just two friends and band mates, no problem in this whatsoever. Just don’t claim incest, because they are not brothers! I repeat they are not blood or otherwise family related! They are friends, not relatives! Personally, I see attraction between them. Some examples are: the way JK said to Jimin 3 times “I want you”, Jimin blatantly checking out JK backstage, JK’s fascination with Jimin’s waist and his whole body really, The Back hugs, especially the 2015 Prom-like one , The Coming of age ceremony practice video, The Own it video, JK filming JM zooming on his butt saying “Look at his butt”, all the times he has grabbed or slapped JM, the whole Run episode 12, Jimin constantly asking for kisses, the one time at a fan sign when he pretended to kiss JK’s neck and JK melted instantly and on the spot and so,so many more. 

And don’t even start me on how these two complement each other. To JK everything that is Jimin is cute and attractive: his eyes, his toes, his smile, the way he swims, dances and etc.; he finds him “cool”, “unique”, “sexy”, his expression “sexy”, his whole self “limited edition”. To JM Jungkook is “good looking”, “sexy like an adult” (man they way he was looking when he said this, how he lost his words at first,  his low voice, the way he switched to Satoori still get me hard), even JK’s sweat is to him “beautiful holy water”. I know skinship in Korea is not like in the west and that the members have all openly complimented each other many times, but still to me these two are pushing the boundaries and from my point of view there is attraction and sexual tension between them. It is fine if you don’t think so, just please for the love of everything holy don’t accuse anyone of incest, because they are not brothers!

 I know they themselves have described each other as brothers, but really as what else could they refer to each other. They could be anything: friends, friends with benefits, lovers, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, husbands, band mates only and etc. but even if there are more than just friendly feelings between them it’s not like they can actually state that! Maybe the K-pop industry is not as homophobic as one might think; there might be a lot of homosexual idols but still it is an industry in which the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is very much present. If an idol is to be revealed as homosexual, his/hers career would suffer a lot of damage, probably beyond repair! So, it’s not like someone could say “no, I don’t see him as a brother, I see him as a man”. In fact let’s assume there is something between JK and JM. Don’t you think G.C.F is as loud and as clear as JK could get in confirming it without actually putting them in danger? Like, think about a few things for a minute. Firstly, the clips JK chose to include are very basic and harmless: them shopping, eating and going to Disneyland. We know they did other things (went to a club, watched fireworks, dressed up and etc.). The fireworks particularly would have made for an amazing addition to the video but he didn’t include them (and neither did Jimin in his vlogs). Maybe they wanted to keep some things just for themselves.

Maybe the whole idea wasn’t to show us what they did through the video but more to convey a message. Not in the scenes JK chose but in the way he did it, in the way he filmed himself following JM everywhere, in the way he matched the lyrics to the video, the slow motions he added, the music he chose. Nobody watching the video could get the definite conclusion “they are gay”, so they remain safe. But also nobody watching the video could say with certainty “they couldn’t be more than friends”. People watching the video could definitely get the impression that there is something going on between them (in fact many unsuspecting people in the comment section did). And perhaps this is what JK tried to do; he might have not strived for giving us any answers but leaving a certain impression, planting an idea in a safe way. An inception. This idea being “they really may be more than friends”. And if it really is true, than I must say this is one hella clever Kookie (also please don’t insult his intelligence by saying he didn’t know the meaning of the lyrics). If this assumption is correct he is tip toeing the line here and doing it professionally well. Never admitting anything but creating enough reasonable doubt. (just like in a courthouse)

As a conclusion I would say this: they could or could not be more than friends. I personally support the first option but to each their own. Both is absolutely ok and also none of our business really. Our main purpose as ARMYs is to support the group as a whole in their music and all other endeavors. Whatever the relationship between JK and JM is, I would say it is a damn good one! They are each other’s source of laughter, supporter and pillar of stability. And if they are together, well that is just the cherry on top! And if they are not, I still ship them because I like their interactions and am here for that. Shipping is not gross; it could actually be very fun as long as it is done mindfully and respectfully. There is nothing wrong with enjoying other people’s love or friendship, if you respect certain boundaries.

 So, enjoy your shipping ride fully but most importantly be a loyal ARMY and pay attention to all the boys’ talent. Because truly these boys are crazy talented! Doesn’t matter who is into what gender.

That is all. Thank you for reading. There probably will be a Part 3 to this focusing more on sexuality norms and ways to reach out subtly. So stay tuned for that. They are no malicious thought behind this, just some personal opinions. Shout out to @noransaekk for her insightful and inspiring posts.

[myasianbloggg]

Korean Drama Reviews

Last Update: 3/5/19

I was running out of space in adding more reviews on here, so I decided to separate them to different posts and just add the links here. Sorry for the inconvenience, but blame Tumblr (nerd alert) for creating a file size limit for each post. lol I’m still in the process of moving everything so bear with me, please! 😉

This lists all the Korean Drama shows I’ve watched and what I think about them! They are in alphabetical order. If you’re looking for a specific title, press CTRL + F for PC or CMD + F for Mac. I’ve used the apps Viki and DramaFever to watch them. Some of them you can find online for free. 

How to watch dramas for free

[korean drama name] watch online

1% of Something (1% of anything)

Boys Over Flowers

City Hunter

Healer

I hear your voice

A young boy can hear people’s thoughts in his head. One day, he and his father get into a car accident. While he and his father were injured inside their vehicle, furious, the man in the other vehicle took a bat and hit his father because he still wasn’t dead. Two female students (one of them was the lead female) witnessed the whole thing and the murderer saw them.

The lead female runs in the middle of the court hearing as a witness and they got the culprit locked up. A few years later, the female lead became a lawyer, the boy becomes a high school student, and the murderer gets out of jail. The murderer’s target is now the lawyer.

At first I didn’t like the age difference of the couple. I kind of got over it when I stopped seeing the lead male in his high school uniform, though haha. 

Romantic Scenes: 6/10

Story: 7/10

I remember you

The story is about a criminology Professor from the States and a cop in Korea. The Professor tries to find a person who escaped from prison who killed his Dad and his missing brother. He was receiving messages from the person through cases coming in. He meets the female cop this way. The story reveals how the Father’s related to the criminal, and where his brother went.

He finds out that his brother and the criminal is closer to him than he thought. The story also reveals that the criminal killed the female cop’s father since he was on duty that night. Together, the Professor and the cop try to find the culprit. Along the way, the man falls in love with the woman. (The woman was already in love with the man. She used to be his stalker when he was still in Korea).

I was intrigued by the story of the two brothers. I initially wanted to watch this because I thought that the lead male was cute. The female is supposed to be a strong one but I feel like they could’ve chosen someone who is a little bit taller? The lead female looks tiny. Anyhow, after I found out who the brother and the criminal was I kind of got bored the remaining of the time I watched it.

Sweet Scenes: 5/10 (There were only a couple) 

Story: 7/10

My Love from Another Star (My love from the Star)

Guy lands on earth from a different planet and forgets to come back. Now he has to wait 400 years before his planet gets to be closest to Earth again. Girl falls in love with this God and she soon realizes that he has powers and isn’t from Earth. They fall in love and spend time before his last days on Earth.

Them spending their last days together is what made me keep watching this series. I feel like the man could have been a better actor, as he always just has mono expressions. Good thing he’s hot. There are a lot of reminiscing scenes. I also enjoyed seeing all the clothing they wore. The girl was an actress, so she always had paparazzi following her and was always wearing fashionable wear.

Sweet Scenes: 8/10

Story: 8/10

My Secret Romance

Chaebol goes to his Father’s hotel to work as a busboy because he’s a lazy worker and doesn’t appreciate what his family has given him. The lead female goes to the same hotel to attend her mother’s second wedding, who happens to be a precious porn star. Both meet and she stirs up a scene.

The lead male feels depressed and goes to a nearby beach and drink wine. The woman happened to go there too feeling embarrassed about the previous scene. Both drink wine and they have a one night stand.

Fast forward a couple of years later the woman works at a successful company who sells briefs as a nutritionist. The CEO of that company happens to be the guy she had a one night stand with. He finds out about her and makes her work with him since he has lingering feels about her.

My oh my were there a lot of sizzling hot scenes on this one! The lead male is a drop dead, gorgeous hottie. I have never seen him in any dramas where he’s not hot. Watch him get a few kisses out of her and touch her sensitive spots. I wish the female was a better actress though. Sometimes I feel like she was emotionless. It’s a good thing that she’s pretty.

Sweet Scenes: 10/10

Story: 8/10

Pinocchio

An orphan gets taken in by an old man who has lost his son through fishing. The orphan (lead male) gets mistaken for his real son. Now, this old man also has another son (with a daughter, who happens to be the lead female) that decides to live with them. By law, this means that the daughter is now the lead male’s niece. 

The daughter’s mother is a news broadcaster, and she wanted to be the same when she grew up so that she can meet her mother. She tries to get into a competition to be a newscaster, and his uncle (lead male) decides to join her as well. The only problem is that the lead female is a Pinocchio, someone who can’t tell lies otherwise they start hiccupping. Nevertheless, they both get chosen and start doing an internship. The story reveals the ups and downs of getting to be a news broadcaster, and how the mother reacts when she finally meets her daughter that she hasn’t spoken to in years. 

I initially wanted to watch this because I wanted to see more of Lee Jung Suk. I fell in love with him after watching W. The lead female is pretty and there are plenty of sweet scenes because the couple both like each other but are too afraid to say so. 

Sweet Scenes: 9/10

Story: 9/10

Playful Kiss

(coming soon!)

Please Come Back, Mister

Two men who happen to be strabgers get into an accident and die. They meet on the train to go to heaven. While they were on their way to heaven, they jumped off the train. The lady in charge gives them a second chance to go back to earth to settle things. One of the men comes back as a handsome and rich young guy, while the other comes back as a beautiful woman. Together, they settle with the people they care about before going back.

There are no super sweet scenes in this drama, but the story’s great. There are some funny scenes, especially because the man came back as a woman. The story’s a bit universal, meaning, first time Korean drama watches won’t feel awkward watching this as there aren’t a lot of Korean-centered culture around it.

Sweet Scenes:

Secret Garden

A CEO of a mall falls in love with a stuntwoman because he is fascinated by her. They obviously have different backgrounds but he falls for how she glares at him, smacks him, and screams at him. His cousin (a famous singer) falls for her too, as well as her boss at work. The man and his cousin do a bike race and the man bets on the stuntwoman while his cousin bets his house. The stuntwoman decides that she wanted to tag along so she did. Along the way, the woman gets lost in the woods. As the lead male tries to find her they encounter a restaurant in the middle of the woods. They take homemade wine from the restaurant and drink it that night. In the morning, they SWITCH BODIES. The story entails how they deal with each other’s lives, and the lead male’s Mother, who disapproves of her. He creates miracles for her which has made her fall in love with him.

What I like about this drama is that the lead male is handsome, rich, and sweet. He would do anything for her, even if it means leaving his rich lifestyle and his life. There are a lot of action scenes because she is a stuntwoman, but I wish there were sweeter scenes. I figured, the lead female is a strong one, so expect not to find many “damsel in distress” scenes. Overall, I could not stop watching this drama.

Romantic Scenes: 7/10

Story: 9/10

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon

(coming soon!)

Suspicious Partner

Guy meets girl on a train while she is on her way to a hotel where her cheating bf is at. Guy is mistaken for a pervert and she gets mad at him. They hookup that night. The next day, she goes into her prosecutor internship and he happens to be her boss! The ex dies and she ends up being blamed for his murder. Together, the guy and girl find out who the real killer is.

I love how funny the girl is. She can be a little crazy, but she sure is entertaining. Of course, I’m a big fan of the male lead, Ji Chang Wook. He’s super hot. Anyways, they have the greatest and hottest kissing scenes around. If you’re looking for modern love then this is it.

Sweet Scenes: 9/10

Story: 10/10

The K2

(coming soon!)

W (War of the Worlds)

(coming soon!)

While you were sleeping

A reporter can see the future by having dreams of them. One day, a man(male lead) and his brother move next door to her house. The man one day dreamt of the girl getting into an accident. He saves her, and they become friends. 

It finds that the reporter quit her job because she dreamt of herself dying. She starts spending time with the man and together they save people from getting hurt until the day comes where she dreamt of dying.

I was still on a hunt for Lee Jong Suk’s drama, so I watched this. At first, I didn’t like it because the female lead cut her hair, which made her look younger (don’t judge me. The woman needs to look pretty for me to like a romantic series lol). Their adventure of trying to save people was interesting though. The romance depicted in this story is not only through gestures but also through words. 

Romantic Scenes: 9/10

Story: 10/10

[shippingk8]

An argument for Freezerburn (Part 1) - Connections and Parallels

As the Freezerburn ship has been gaining more steam @toomuchfreetyme2 and myself have decided to put out there our long running argument for a Weiss and Yang pairing. (For recent and die hard shippers, or just anyone who likes to read a good RWBY theory)

Disclaimer: This argument is not us saying that we don’t like or think bumblebee isn’t a viable ship or relationship. It has it’s own song, sooo yeah…. not really wanting to go there. Nor can anyone but the writers say whether any of the three are queer or are even interested in each other. This is just us making a case for a ship. So if you’re just here to defend your favorite ship, troll, or hate the freezerburn ship, then move along this post isn’t for you. (Warning minor V5 spoilers)

It makes for a better story

1. A love triangle with Blake, Yang, and Weiss would add more drama and complications. Thus providing the writers with a potentially more interesting story to tell. This would not exclude the possibility of a Bumblebee relationship, but would create more obstacles for either pairing to overcome. If you want to argue that RWBY isn’t a love drama that is a fair point, but this could be a series long undercurrent in the story that gets resolved towards the end. We are fans of the slow burn romance anyhow. *cough* “Recovery” fanfic *cough cough* Shameless plug aside, it is sort of unavoidable that as they grow up some of them will want to take romantic partners. IF the advancement of years in the story keeps the same pace then eventually they will be in their mid-twenties by the time all of this wraps up. It would be odd if most of them didn’t end up in a relationship of some sort after that much time, whether that would be a short thing or a more sustained relationship.

2. Additionally, a love triangle would involve the whole team. If Blake and Yang end up being a thing then that is a single love interest. Obviously there would be turmoil that the two would have to work through, but that would mainly be dealt with through those two specific characters. Ruby and Weiss would probably put in their two sense or be a shoulder to cry on, but otherwise it would be mostly a Blake/Yang problem. If Weiss was thrown into the romantic mix then that would cause even more conflict. To the point that, as the leader, Ruby would have to do something. In addition it would be her sister and her partner/best friend potentially being involved, which would be a lot more awkward for her than just having to deal with it being with another member of her team. 

3. It is a great Team STRQ parallel. As far as parallels go, the colors and personalities (as far as we know) match up really well. Yang (yellow) is obviously Taiyang who had a relationship with Summer and Raven. Blake (black) is obviously Raven with their similar tactic of runny away and being the quite literal dark and brooding types. We could even use Blake’s association to the White Fang and her sense of duty and responsibility towards the organization as a very direct parallel to Raven’s loyalty to her bandit tribe. We are pairing Ruby and Qrow, no not Ruby and her mom, sorry it seems a bit too on the nose for us and doesn’t seem to work for multiple reasons. The main one being that as time has gone on we have seen just how similar Ruby is to Qrow, in addition to the fact that she sees him as her mentor. This is an instance of their colors not matching up directly, but there is a similarity in the color scheme used in their character designs. Ruby being dressed in reds, blacks and dark greys. Qrow has light Grey, but also implements black and red in his outfit. Design aside, Ruby even has the same very rare weapon type as her uncle. That would leave Weiss’s parallel to be Summer (White). We don’t know a lot about Summer, but it would make the most sense. While we don’t know how Taiyang and Summer ended up together, we can make some logical assumptions from the context given. It is most likely that Winter was always there for Taiyang and had feelings for him, and when Raven left Tai finally realized what Summer meant to him. We do also know that Yang calls Summer super mom, she baked cookies and was really great mom, but also was an expert huntress. Sounds like a certain heiress that usually has to be perfect at everything and wants to be a huntress and an heiress at the same time, yet still cares about their group like a family even though she isn’t the leader who has the job of keeping everyone together. A final thought on the parallels (a big assumption, but interesting nonetheless), Tai and Summer were probably the only two not lone wolfing it in team STRQ. Ruby and Blake are always going off on her own, much like we imagine a young Qrow and Raven might have been. 

4. Lastly, it is almost weird how often Weiss and Yang always seem to end up paired together. Volume 1 they were together for hours off screen while they were searching for Blake. Volume 2 they were together for, again, many hours as they planned the dance together. Volume 3 they would have had to have spent lots of extra time together as they trained for the doubles match. And finally in Volume 5, who are the first two of team RWBY to meet back up again? Weiss and Yang. It’s like the writers can’t stop pairing them up off screen. And I feel like all this time together has started to show. In Volume 5 Weiss has had quite a bit of physical contact and familiarity with Yang. It is yet to be seen if this will be extended to the rest of the crew, but it is interesting coming from the ‘ice queen’ of the group.

Opposite Attract (Yin and “Yang”)

1. There is the Opposites Attract trope, which in itself is a fun trope. However the show itself not only uses this trope in a lot of their on screen relationships, but uses the theme of opposites and balance a lot. We have the gods of light and dark, the classic battle of good and evil, humanity versus monsters, even nature vs technology. The theme even follows into our traditionally paired characters: Arkos had the bad ass and… well Juane. We have Raven, the kickass and stubborn bandit queen who can literally teleport across the the globe with Tai the maternal cargo-pants dad that seems to stay stuck in one place. The most blatant one is Ren and Nora, the zen ninja that can cast “Calm Emotions”, and Nora the ‘charged up’ and hyper warrior/tank. So the argument and theme of opposites is an important one, and even more so is the balance the two are supposed to achieve. 

2.  Weiss and Yang are very stereotypical opposites, but also have many subtle similarities. This argument could and has been made for Blake and Yang already, but the Weiss and Yang pairing takes it to a pretty clear cut and tropie level. Which feels fitting for the show.

3. Opposites - They are literally fire and ice, warm and cold temperaments on the surface, common and upper class, street smart and academic, happy but nontraditional close family and unhappy distant nuclear family, open minded and close minded (initially), happy-go-lucky and tsundere.

4. Commonalities - stubborn, loyal, expert/ best fighters on their team due to rigorous training, have an unknown or unreachable path but just want to be fighters. They’re also very maternal, but in opposite ways. Where Yang is encouraging and doting, Weiss is quick to pick up on her team mate’s issues and force them to address the problem. (Ex: Blake in Vol. 2 and in Vol. 5 with Yang)

5. In our opinion this lends itself to the two being a very interesting couple. Bumblebee has a claim on this argument as well; the ‘opposites attract trope,’ but Freezerburn’s claim is just as good.

Internal Issues (Psychological Trauma)

1. Weiss has been and would probably always be there for Yang. When she saw Yang in danger during the doubles match she threw herself into a lava geyser. Despite witnessing Yang attack Mercury she immediately and fervently defended her saying, “Yang would never do that!” Finally in a recent episodes we have seen Weiss be openly affectionate and supportive of Yang and the things she is dealing with. Blake is hurt and frankly traumatized by Adam. She sees the similarities between him and Yang: They’re both charismatic, popular, have similar abilities, and quick to anger. It would be odd for her character not to notice these things, like she did. But it also makes it difficult (not impossible) for her to build true trust with Yang. 

2. Which leads to the goliath in the room, Yang clearly has abandonment issues. This means that she would do best with someone who is consistent and maybe even overly protective and caring. And not to harsh on Blake, but as they have written her so far, she is very much NOT that. She is, well… a cat. She comes and goes and her affection while there is not always glaringly obvious. This isn’t to say that a Blake and Yang pairing couldn’t work things out. But it would be rather ignorant to think that after all the times Blake has left, Yang wouldn’t always be waiting for the shoe to drop, in some corner of her mind. Again we are not saying that it would be impossible for them to work through that, but given Yang’s history and the way that Blake left it would take time to build back up such a seriously damaged trust.

Relationship Equality

1. The only person to benefit in the bumblebee relationship, SO FAR, has been Blake. Time and again Yang has been there to support Blake and try to protect her, but the opposite can’t be said. When Yang was accused of misconduct she said, “I WANT to trust you.” And it wasn’t till the rest of her team spoke in her defense, and Yang almost crying in front of her, that she said she would. When Yang was at her lowest most vulnerable point, and had lost a limb because she was trying to save her partner, Blake left. I get that leaving is sort of Blake’s thing for right now, but she didn’t even leave a note or a message with anyone. She just straight up bolted. Now in fairness to Blake she had just seen someone (potentially romantically) close to her almost get killed by her abusive ex-partner. She was placed in a worst case nightmare scenario, and because of that she fell back on her instincts and ran away. She has openly stated that she regrets her choices, and that she wanted to keep the rest of her team safe. Given what Adam wants to do to Blake this volume…. she might not have been all that wrong. (Still a note would have been nice.)

2. Weiss and Yang are likely to have a stable and equal relationship. Yang needs someone consistent and almost overly caring, and Weiss needs someone less uptight than her cold family that is patient and warm enough to break down her walls. They are also both stubborn enough that they would call each other out on their shit all the time… mostly in a good way. Lastly they have been seen to have a close bond and Weiss has been quiet supportive towards Yang throughout, while Yang has been patient with Weiss while she learns to be a better person.

End Game

1. If we use foreshadowing, it would seem like Blake will end up being the new leader of the White Fang, Weiss will end up running the SDC, and Ruby and Yang will most likely be huntresses and/or teachers at a school. Blake being a leader would keep her away from combat and adventure most of the time, and to that end I don’t think Blake actually enjoys fighting all that much. 

I will admit that a Yang and Blake pairing would send a great message about equality between the races. But if Blake were the leader of the White Fang it would mean that either Yang would have to be okay being stuck by Blake’s side during political meeting and bureaucracy, or that Yang would go off on missions and not be around all that much. Given what we know about Yang I don’t know that either of those would be what she would want, but we could be wrong. Now you might say Weiss would be in the same exact boat. But we would point out that her grandfather ran the SDC and was out discovering new dust mines all the time, and Weiss has more than once said that she wanted to restore her family name by being a huntress. Meaning she would probably jump at every single opportunity to get out the office and go kill some grimm and restore the honor of her family’s name by being with the people instead of lording power over them. Which in our opinion would make Yang a great distraction… sorry we meant partner in crime, lol. So even if Weiss did have to ‘run’ the company and sit in board meetings, we feel like Yang would be there to knock on the window and say, “It’s time for a little adventure princess.”

So that is our argument. Take it or leave it, but since there are so many people that have been jumping on the Freezerburn ship lately we thought we would put our long running discussion out there. We hope it sparked some thoughts or spurs some discussions, but mostly we just hope you enjoyed it.

Other Freezerburn Theories & Things

An Argument for Freezerburn Part 2

Is Freezerburn the untapped Korrasami of RWBY?

Freezerburn Volume 4 Fan Fiction - Recovery

Freezerburn AU Fan Fiction - A Business Proposal 

Freezerburn Drabbles

Freezerburn Ship Meme

RWBY Gay Alignment Chart

***Team STRQ and Team RWBY photos were obtained from the RWBY Wiki website. (cropped and edited together by author)

[ellipticalcortex]

After playing through Hiveswap Act 2, and reading a bit about the controversies since I haven’t kept up with its production at all, I can see why people are upset with it, though as usual I feel some people are being a bit too harsh with it.

I’m gonna add a read-more just in case this ends up in any tags, don’t want a rambling post clogging up anything! This is mostly focused on my thoughts about Act 2, not so much about fan reactions as that first bit might imply.

The whole not crediting workers thing is terrible, I agree with that. Their excuse about not encouraging harassment sounds reasonable on paper, but the trade off of straight up not crediting people and the implication that they’re covering their own ass is just too much. I don’t know enough about the situation to form any real in-depth opinion about it, but man... I just hope WP gets their shit together soon if they haven’t by now.

However, I don’t think that WP’s messy internal affairs are enough to dismiss the game altogether like I’ve seen people doing. Personally, I had tons of fun with the game and thought its writing was fine, despite the game’s flaws, and from what I’ve seen here on Tumblr, from articles online, and from player reviews, the majority of people seem to feel the same, which is relieving.

The entire game was a blast to play! I actually got all the way to the end of the trial before deciding that I wanted a particular ending and went back to play the entirety of Act 1 just so I could import a completed save with the batteries, and I think it was worth it! I uninstalled Act 1 shortly after I played it 3 years ago, but it was nice to get a refresher. It let me appreciate Joey and Xefros in the parts I played and replayed during Act 2 a lot more. It also gave me the opportunity to go and inspect things from Xefros’s perspective, which I didn’t start doing until I was on the train during my first run.

I’m not going to lie, this game made me like Joey a little bit less and Xefros a bit more. This was by no fault of the game, just me getting to know the characters better and forming a more solid opinion. In Act 1, Joey felt very “little girl, big sister” to me which was adorable, but removed from her home and from Jude she lost that a bit. Her relationship with Xefros is really nice though! Seeing her urge him to make certain realizations about Dammek was sweet. I’m also wondering how long it’ll be until her comphet wears off and she realizes she can h*ld h*nds with other g*rls.

Xefros though... this game just solidified him even more as “son boy”. Usually I don’t feel this way about characters, but he really feels like a young teen to me! I guess it’s sort of the same feeling I get about my own little sister who is about his age. It helps that I enjoyed all the character animations a lot in this, and his trial sprite was especially nice, even if he didn’t show up during it all that much. Watching him try to process everything he’s seeing about his own culture and about how others deal with interpersonal relationships hurt a lot, too... and that bit near the very end was shocking, but sadly familiar. That was incredibly rough to watch.

Now, as for the game itself, it certainly did feel different from Act 1. From what I understand, a lot of content got cut out of it, like meeting Charun and Zebede. That is really disappointing, but I was fine with what we got. One thing I really don’t get is everyone complaining about the bee game. Just put your fingers on the corresponding keys! I guess it would be hard doing that whole thing with your mouse like it suggests, but I switched over after the tutorial and it immediately clicked, like, to the point that I want to play more rhythm games with that specific set up of vertical visuals and inputs. The music was really fun too. I didn’t even realize Xefros was beatboxing during it until my second time through, after I saw James Raoch comment about it! That was a really cute touch, the mental image of Xefros beatboxing while Joey does her weird little bee dance.

Before I get into the rest of the game, I guess I’ll address how the supporting cast is written in this. From what I understand, these are each of the Friendsim trolls’ original personalities, written before Friendsim ever came out. While looking through the tag on here, I saw people were super frustrated and even angry about this, expecting them to go back and rewrite these characters... after they even had to cut entire characters from the game... I don’t know, I can understand where these criticisms are coming from, but Hiveswap Friendsim is still there if you want to see their more developed counterparts. As the trolls exist in this game, they’re more so their bulletpoints of personality that you don’t even see that much of. Personally, I enjoy seeing the differences, and makes me appreciate Friendsim even more! There were a couple of spots where I /was/ disappointed with them though, specifically with Fozzer and Boldir... Boldir at least has the animation where she looks at the player and talks about the... universal re-convergence? Was that it? While Fozzer says and does nothing of import. I somehow expected them to be something more with what their roles were in Friendsim. The same can be said of Marvus, I suppose. But overall the characters remained largely the same, and you don’t speak to many of them for long anyhow.

The ticket machine area didn’t have much to it, especially in terms of interactions, which I would have hoped would be fleshed out a bit in lieu of narrative importance. Fozzer didn’t add much, you were seeing Folkyl again later anyways, and I have no idea what that other teal’s reason for being there was. The couple of tracks that loop in this area getting constantly cut off by an announcer was pretty funny though.

The loading platform was I think my favorite area in the game. I liked how the characters were presented, and how they interacted. “Gaegrl Elwurd” or whatever she said was incredibly funny, and now that I type it out I realize that the name she uses is probably supposed to be “L-Word” or lesbian. Feel silly for not realizing that earlier. Anyhoo I still despise Zebruh even if he’s incredibly funny, especially that walk cycle. I didn’t get the scene where Marvus blows a kiss at him though in either of my runs, which is sad. Is that another way to give him confidence besides the mic? I hope so. The bit with Chixie was nice too, as was Marvus’s introduction. I liked the tip-off where he said he knew Joey would be able to get onto the train. I think there’s a bit more left for me to do in that area, though I’ll leave it for when I inevitably have to replay Act 2 whenever Act 3 comes out so I can save some item or other.

The Burgundy/Bronze car had my favorite of the Ticket to Ride tracks, probably because it was the base for all the others, and its origin story is pretty funny. I really wish there had been more interactions with the trolls presented. Diemen was a joke character even in Friendsim, but I wish Joey hadn’t completely dismissed Vikare who had I think my favorite sprite/idle animation in the game. The convo with Skylla was nice though I fear for her lusus now, and Marsti was about what I expected. While I was going through the game I had a guide up mostly because of the trial and it was funny to see how the author referred to the characters. I couldn’t tell if they hadn’t read Homestuck before this or just skipped Friendsim, but how they referred to some of the characters was pretty funny, like calling Skylla a zookeeper, or thinking Marsti was a guy for some reason. I guess she was never referred to much in the third person, so that’s fair.

The Yellow/Olive car had my least favorite Ticket to Ride track, mostly because I’m not a big fan of chip tune and think the Olives should have been represented in the song as well. Folkyl and Kuprum were still super funny even if they didn’t have much to add past introducing the player to their blood color’s traditional role. Polypa and Boldir were neat, and I loved the scenes with Azdaja and Konyyl! The part where Xefros floors Azdaja after he hurt Joey was stunning, especially after seeing how powerful he really is through Friendsim. It wouldn’t surprise me if bugandies’ and bronzes’ powers were much stronger than they realize but triggered by emotion or something and that’s part of the reason they’re so downtrodden, to keep them depressed and placid, which would also tie into the supposed purpose of lime bloods.

I had a lot of fun in the Jade/Teal car, even if it /did/ drag on a bit too long like I’ve seen a lot of people say. Its rendition of Ticket to Ride rubbed me the wrong way, too, though mostly a certain part of it, and it might just be because I listened to it for so long. I liked how each of the characters were presented, as well as all of the drama. I saw some people criticizing this part as just being the Jades throwing venom at one another and... yeah? They are? I don’t see why that’s bad, it was to exemplify toxic interpersonal relationships and to show that even the trolls’ caregiver caste could still be terrible. Anyways, the first time I went around I didn’t have the battery nor the pogs which I traded for tickets earlier, but I only realized I needed them when I got to the recess. I’d been experiencing several bugs in this room specifically, including Xefros’s trial sprite disappearing, the screen becoming solid black after accusing someone, and basic dialogue bugging out. This was all very frustrating. Also, while I did end up having fun with the trial, it was a slog to figure out. I enjoy the Ace Attorney games, but what I like the least are the leaps in logic you have to make when figuring what to present and where. This trial took that aspect and made it five times worse. I did love having Tyzias by Joey’s side though, and the ending I got was super worth it. I’m still not sure who did it. I saw a video of Lanque chucking Joey off the train, so I guess it was him? Though I don’t know how or any of the specifics. I know you can implicate Lynera too as a scapegoat.

The Cobalt/Indigo car was pretty underwhelming. I’m sad I only remembered to click on Galehk’s footnotes after I’d done his task. That whole sequence was very funny through, and I’m curious to see the other ways you could’ve gotten through. All of the characters were pretty fun, and I loved seeing Elwurd again and having her save Joey from Ardata and all. Xefros and Joey’s conversation about the revolution afterwards was really nice too.

The clown car was, understandably, horrifying. I’m going to be hearing that stock honk for the rest of eternity. It was a very fun room, and its gimmick was super interesting. I loved the animations for the wheel! I also didn’t realize that the uh, clown religion involved the red and green snakes, though it makes sense that they do. I looked back at some backgrounds for Friendsim, and while Chahut’s clown church didn’t have the red and green, Marvus’s festival DID have red and green balloons, which was interesting. This entire sequence was incredibly tense, obviously trying to make you worry it would land on Burgandy. I’m also curious about some of the alternate stuff you could do during this, like that video with Tegiri being dramatic. Also, seeing Xefros kill Baizli was super upsetting, and I think another spot where having played Friendsim could make this game a little frustrating, since in Friendsim Barzum and Baizli are just lost, fun-loving clown twins that never directly kill MSPA reader. It was surprising to see Baizli come out and approach Joey alone. It was also terrible to see what Baizli dying did to Barzum. I wonder if that’s the last we’ll see of Marvus... I’ll be disappointed if it is. It feels like he should be more important.

Now, that last section I’ll admit was pretty bad. Literally the only action section in the game and you get so little direction and nothing interesting really happens. I did in fact use a guide for this because I simply did not care. It was a super anti climactic ending sequence.

And of course, there was the train blowing up and Joey and Xefros being impeded again. There was that droopy looking dragon thingy? That shot something suspiciously bright green at the train. It’s also curious how Chahut and Marvus seem mostly disinterested or at least unrattled by the explosion.

Well, that was... a review of the whole game! I loved it a lot, even if it wasn’t what it could have been. It had some bugs, which were annoying, and issues with content, a lot of which I’m willing to chalk up to the crew getting shuffled around and people leaving and the while switch over to Viz Media. Of course, there is once again the issue of people not getting credited. But, despite all of this, I think Act 2 was an enjoyable game, and I think there was love put into it, even if the people who put love into it were put in unfair and shitty situations because of WP. I’m hoping that things have straightened out with them after that fiasco and that Act 3 will turn out a bit better, and hopefully sooner than Act 2!

[just-jordie-things]

The Night We Met - Peter Parker

word count: 5568 warnings: swearing, super adorkable peter a/n: this is my first posted peter fic so go easy on me? also this is really low key based on this song, but the sound of it not the words so much if that makes sense? idk i’m at a loss

[ i am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt / i’ve been searching for a trail to follow again / take me back to the night we met ]

The facility was quiet as you padded through it, though it was common for it to be so silent when the sun had set hours ago.  It was late, one am, you presumed.  But this was the ideal time to go wandering around the building you lived in.  It was dark, only the moon and star’s light shining into the rooms, and the living space and kitchen were surrounded by windows, which casted shadows and small pools of light on the floor that you liked to dance around on your tiptoes in.  Wearing your pajamas and silently leaping short distances and twirling around on the cool tiled or hardwood floors.

You had lived in the facility for the whole past year that it had been built and functioning, and before that you’d lived at the tower for most of your life.  All but the first three years of your life, when you were stuck in an orphanage.  Before Tony Stark adopted you.  Why had he? You were never entirely sure.  You never understood why a man with his wealth and success needed a daughter to add onto his list of priorities but you’d never thought to question him.  Besides, you liked having a Mom and Dad.  Pepper was more of the parental figure, and Tony was mostly there to… well he used to get you into trouble but since you turned fifteen a year ago he became more protective.  You weren’t his little girl anymore, you were a teenager, blossoming into womanhood.  And when you turned sixteen his overprotectiveness only increased.

It hadn’t really mattered, you weren’t really an avenger.  At least, not one out on the battlefield.  No, you preferred working in the lab with Bruce, designing new suits, lighter weapons, deadlier weapons, faster engines for the jet.  But your favorite thing was creating new costumes, as you liked to call them.  Though the rest of the team wouldn’t prefer the term.  Sure, you worried for your Dad, and the others that had just as easily become your family, but you also knew that they were a special set of people.  Trained assassins, super soldiers, even Clint was… important.

(you never missed an opportunity to tease him, much to his displeasure)

So as you twirled around gracefully in the moonlight, your eyes closed as you enjoyed the silence, not even needing a tune to dance to, and found your peace.  You loved these secret nights of yours.  Your own special thing.

[ and then I can tell myself what the hell I'm supposed to do / and then I can tell myself not to ride along with you ]

You were working today, your hair pulled up into a high ponytail and your eyes focused on the sketch in front of you.  You tried not to rock on the stood you sat at while your hand moved swiftly over the tablet, the rubber tipped stylus creating lines of maroon on the screen.

“You know,” Banner spoke, making you jump slightly, and creating a long line throughout the entire design of Wanda’s new and improved outfit.

“Thanks a lot” You rolled your eyes, carefully hitting the undo button and making Bruce roll his eyes right back at you.

“Calm down you fixed it with a push of a button”

“Did Bruce Banner just tell me to calm down?” You asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

“y/n just- just shut up.  God when did you become a teenager?” You chuckled, going back to your sketching with a smile on your face.

“You don’t remember? Because I do.  Vividly”

“That’s only cause Tony gave you the body talk” Bruce said, and you felt a chill go down your spine at the memory.  “Anyhow, I was going to say that that new recruit is coming here today”

“New recruit?” You asked, sitting up and abandoning your art now, your curiosity peaked.  “Why wasn’t I told?”

“You designed his suit, the uh… the bug one”

“Ant Man?”

“No, the other one”

“Wasp?” You asked again, Bruce shook his head.

“No no, the one from Berlin” You squinted for a moment, trying to remember.

“Bruce, just cause my Dad’s sorta a snake sometimes doesn’t mean he’s a bug, that’s rude” You chuckled, and Banner rolled his eyes, again.

“Seriously y/n stop being all sassy what happened to your pigtails and pink overalls?”

“I grew up” You stated, wasting no time in getting back to your work.  Bruce frowned sadly at your back.  You were right, you had grown up.  And while you still may only be sixteen, the world you lived in had forced you to mature much faster than you should have.  But nonetheless, he let you get back to your work while he went back to creating a new prototype for Bucky’s arm.

“And no, it’s Spider-Man”

“Alright kid, this is a big deal now” Tony said, clapping a hand on Peter’s back as they made their way into the facility.  “Whole team lives here, my whole family” He told him.

“Wow” Was all Peter could think to say as his eyes looked around.  They landed on everything, quickly, wanting to take it all in at once.

“Okay okay, slow down, you’re one of us now, you’ve got plenty of time to make googly eyes-”

Tony was cut off mid sentence as Peter had crashed into something, sending the box in his arms and the papers in the other person’s arms flying as his victim stumbled backwards onto the floor.

“I’m sorry! I’m so so so sorr-” He stopped abruptly upon seeing you there, gathering your things as quickly as you could.  He couldn’t help his wide eyes as he watched your every movement.  Before he shook his head and began helping you pick up his papers.

“It’s fine I’m just- I’m super late” You spoke quickly, stacking your sketches in your arms messily and in a rushed fashion.  You didn’t even look up at him until he seemed to be staring at the paper in his hands.

“You-you drew this? Wow” He said in amazement, but you snatched it away.

“That’s what y/n does here” Tony said, not being able to take the awkward tension anymore and scooping up most of your papers in his hands and giving them to you.  “Geez are these all Wanda’s?” He asked you as you held what was probably a hundred designs in your arms.

“Yeah, yep, I didn’t know what exactly she was looking for she just said something new, so..” You trailed off, trying to straighten out and align all of the papers in your arms.  You shot a glance over at the boy who had picked up his box, full of typical teenage boy items.  Until you looked more curiously and could tell instantly he was  a very studious boy.  “You must be Spider-Man?”

“Parker Pete- Peter Parker.  I’m Peter Parker that-that’s me” He stammered, making you send a goody glance at your father before looking back to the boy that seemed your age.  He had adorable puppy brown eyes and the same colored curls on his head.  He was adorable, cute, it was the only thing you could think of for a moment.

“Well hello Parker Pete” You said with a small laugh as you stuck your hand out while carefully maneuvering your stack of papers.  “I’m y/n” You introduced while he shook your hand, a bit too long but you didn’t really want to pull away either.

“She’s also my daughter, and off limits, so let’s keep walking” Tony said, grabbing Peter by the shoulders and steering him away.

“Wha- she-you have- you’re his-” Peter couldn’t even get a full sentence out as Tony directed him farther away from you, leaving you to stand in the hall and watch in amusement as your father dragged the poor boy away.

“Bye Parker Pete!” You called before heading off to Wanda’s room.

You liked Peter Parker.  He was a stuttering, adorkable mess.

[ i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you / take me back to the night we met ]

You were sat at the kitchen breakfast bar, sketching away as always.  Sometimes you just liked changing your setting.  Working in the lab could get loud, or stuffy, and it was good to have a little change of scenery.  Plus, the best things happened in the kitchen.

For instance, right now, everyone was trying to arm wrestle Steve.  Which was a very amusing sight to watch.  Currently, Natasha was flexing her arms trying to prepare herself for what everyone knew would be a failure.

“What’re you working on?” You heard a familiar voice, and turned to see Peter slipping onto the high chair next to you.  You smiled at him almost instinctively.  He’d been living at the facility for a week now, and at this point you were pretty good friends.  Being the same age really did help, seeing you were both the youngest ones there.

“Hopefully a new bow for Clint” You told him, showing him your design.  “I’m hoping he won’t break this one” You added with a chuckle.  Peter stared at the paper, genuine interest on his features.  You loved that about him, even for the simple things he always admired your work like it was the coolest thing he’s ever seen.

“Neat” He said, still staring at it even as you slid it back to your part of the tabletop.  “What’s uh… what’s happening over there?” He nodded off to where Steve was dangerously close to slamming Nat’s hand on the table.  You were a little worried about the Black Widow’s well being, but even more so for the table.  It wouldn’t be the first time Steve had broken the dinner table over an arm wrestling tournament.

“Steve’s daring people to arm wrestle him” You said, watching them again, just as Natasha lost.  She groaned in frustration, shaking out her sore hand.  “He only does it when Tony’s not around to scold him for it”

“Scold him?” Peter asked curiously.

“He usually breaks stuff.  Tables, vases, bones” Peter’s eyes widened with fear, making you chuckle.

“Calm down Spider-Boy, he won’t attack you” You said, putting your hand unconsciously on his forearm.  “It’s just a little competition he likes to do to show off.  No one’s ever beat him” You shrugged.  “Kinda like how Thor tests us to lift his hammer, we all know that thing won’t budge, but we try anyways” You said.  Peter’s eyes were trained on Steve and Wanda’s current match.  You took his distracted moment to admire his features, his starry eyes, gelled but soft looking hair, thin pink lips.  You smiled at him, and only then noticed your hand resting on him.  You removed it quickly, busying yourself with your design again.

“Hey new kid!” You perked up once more when you heard Steve’s voice ring out, catching Peter’s attention.

“M-me?” Peter pointed to himself, unsure if the Captain America was talking to him or not.  You giggled to yourself quietly.

“Yeah you, you wanna try and go a round?” He asked.  Your eyes went from gleaming to wide with worry in a matter of seconds.

“Peter you don’t have-”

“Yeah sure” Peter shrugged before you could give him a way out of it.  You watched as he hopped to the ground and walked over to the opposite side of the table as Steve.  All of your focus was on the two.  Sure, Steve would never heart him on purpose but Peter wasn’t like the other avengers, he was sixteen, and you were worried he’d get his arm broken or something.  You stared as their hands latched together, neither of them doing anything yet.  “Look, I-I just wanna say sorry about like- attacking you at that airport” Peter said, and you blushed slightly at his cute awkwardness.  Apologizing for the fight, no one had really done that yet.  Most of you just tried to look past it.

“Yeah, no hard feelings” Steve winked, and like that, you could see their arms struggling slightly as they put all their strength into it.  Your lips parted slightly when you realized Peter wasn’t losing.  He was actually doing really well, completely focused on Steve’s arm.  “Wow kid, you got quite a grip” Steve commented, and you could hear the struggle in his voice.

Well that was new.

“But hey, I’m still the strongest one here” Steve said, slamming the kid’s hand down onto the table.  Peter sighed, shaking his hand just as Nat had earlier.  You clapped while the others began to leave the room, tired of Steve’s party games.

“Wow! Parker Pete!” You rushed over to him and hugged him before thinking about it.  “Just- wow” You laughed, and Peter gave a short laugh with you, rubbing his now aching hand.  “No one’s ever done that before! Just how strong are you?” You asked him, and his face went red.

“I-I don’t know” He stammered out, and you hugged him again.  You felt him slowly wrap his arms around your waist, tugging you a little closer as he held you.  It was quiet for a moment, and your heart began fluttering as you lingered there together.  Somehow, it wasn’t just a hug, and you could both feel it.

“Hey hey hey, watch the hands there” You sighed quietly when Tony came in, pointing accusingly at the both of you, and you pulled away from Peter.  “Break it up” He said, snapping his fingers as he went to the fridge for a bottle of beer.

“Peter almost beat Steve at arm wrestling” You bragged, trying to ease up your father’s current mood.

“God dammit I told him no more of those” He grumbled, heading back out of the kitchen, the popped his head back in.  “Break it up!” He called loudly again.  “Both of you! Separate rooms pronto!” You rolled your eyes as he left, but squeezed a hand on Peter’s wrist before gathering your materials from the counter.

“Night Parker Pete” You said sweetly, then headed out the door and towards the elevator.  Peter slumped onto one of the chairs, staring at the doorway you just exited.

“Goodnight y/n” He said to himself.

“You like her?” He heard an accented voice and turned to see Wanda standing there.  The boy’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest, he hadn’t even realized there was another way into this room.  “Yes?” She questioned after not having received an answer.

“Yea-yeah I mean yeah y/n.. y/n’s great she’s a great-amazing friend” He said, all the while nodding his head and blushing like a fool.  Wanda chuckled, using her powers to snatch an orange off the counter, but opted to use her nails to peel it.

“I can read minds” She told him.  “I know you like her” She told him, winking a brown eye.  Peter opened his mouth but no words came out for a few moments.

“I… she’s great” He told her, unsure of what he could say.

“You also think she’s beautiful” Wanda continued, putting a slide of the fruit into her mouth.

“Well I-”

“Are we discussing Peter Parker’s feelings towards miss Stark?”

Peter fell of his chair, definitely not having expected Vision to simply face through the wall of the kitchen, joining the conversation abruptly.  Wanda nodded as she chewed, and Peter attempted to stand and straighten out his sweater.

“Well I think it’s… pleasing” Vision said.

“Pl-pleasing?” Peter stuttered.

“Yes, it is nice to think of you becoming romantically involved with miss Stark” He said with a nod of his head.  Peter’s eyes widened with fear.

“No, no no no no, y/n and I-I we- we aren’t- she’s my friend”

“Yes, and Wanda is my friend” Vision said, and the witch’s head snapped towards him.  “But that is no barrier to love”

Peter almost fell just from standing up.  He could feel his knees wobbling and his heart was pounding incredibly fast in his chest.

“Vizh…” Wanda said slowly, coming over and putting a hand on the android’s arm.  “Let’s go talk” She said, and he nodded again, allowing her to guide him out of the room.  “But if you want my advice,” Wanda turned to Peter before she could fully leave the kitchen.  “Go for it, y/n looks at you a lot, the way… the way I remember Pietro looking at his love” Wanda said.  Peter couldn’t even find the right words to say before she left the room.

Shortly after, he went running out, making his way as quickly as he could to the weight room.  It was nearing ten o’clock, but he needed a stress relief, and working out seemed much better than sitting in his room with his anxiety all pent up.

He practically burst through the doors, not even noting Steve dragging a punching bag to it’s hook as he tore his sweater off, leaving him in a tee shirt and khakis.  Not really the best chosen attire to work out in, but he didn’t care.  He needed to… to run, to punch something.  He stepped up onto the treadmill, setting it on a higher setting before just sprinting.  Racing over the spinning rubber sheet until sweat dripped down his forehead.

“Kid? Hey Parker?” Steve called, catching Peter’s attention but he didn’t stop running.  “You aren’t stress running cause I kicked your ass earlier right?” He asked, and Peter shook his head, his breathing ragged as he put the treadmill on a higher setting.  “Alright, then why are you stress running?”

“I’m not stress running” Peter grunted.

“Yes you are.  Why?” Steve said, his voice stern so that he’d open up to him.  Peter let out a sigh, but was still reluctant to stop running.

“Because” He huffed.  “I’m in love… with y/n… and she’s Tony’s daughter… and doesn’t like me back… deserves better than me anyways” He said in between sharp intakes of breath.  Steve chuckled, putting his hands on his hips.

“Alright, alright turn that off you’re gonna kill yourself” He said, and Peter didn’t even argue, just slowed it down before stopping it completely.  “Listen closely to me, alright?” Peter nodded shakily, and stepped down off the treadmill.

He walked over to Steve, and they sat down together on a bench.

“I’m going to tell you a story about a woman named Peggy Carter”

[ i don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you / oh, take me back to the night we met ]

You had just slipped out of your room, checking to make sure the halls were clear as you walked as lightly as possible down the hallway towards the kitchen.  You hadn’t changed into pajamas like usual, still wearing your simple white dress from earlier that night.  But you didn’t mind, you were just happy to finally be able to sneak out.  Earlier than you usually do, it was midnight and you often waited for one am to roll around but you were too eager to escape to your happy place.

After tiptoeing down the stairs, opting not to use the elevator because it made noise, you snuck into the kitchen, quickly and carefully closing the door behind you.  Even though it and the walls secluding it were glass windows.  You were a creature of habit.

“What’re you doing here?” You spun around, about to kick the owner of the sudden voice in the throat, but be caught your ankle.

“Peter?” You lowered your leg, smoothing out your skirt.  “What’re you doing? It’s late” He gave you a look before laughing.

“Well I can basically say the same thing” He said, and you blushed, looking down for a moment.

“I… I come here at night when everyone’s asleep.  It’s my way of sneaking out” You said with half a shrug.  “It was a secret until now” Peter’s face fell, and he could feel his stomach dropped.

Oh my god I ruined her special place for her

“No worries” You said with a soft smile.  “I’m happy you’re the first I can share it with” You told him, and began to walk off to the living area, in front of all the windows.  Peter scurried off after you, walking awkwardly with his hands behind his back as you were staring outside.  He looked over at you, awestruck by the way the moonlight reflected on your features, making parts of your dress look like it was glowing, but others hidden in a shadow.  “So Parker Pete,” You said with a smile as you turned your head to look at him.  “What’re you doing out here so late?”

“I- I was just… sitting” He answered lamely, making you chuckle and roll your eyes a little.

“Okay, but why sit in the kitchen in the middle of the night? Don’t you want your rest?”

“M-my rest?” You shrugged.

“I don’t know.  Everyone around here falls asleep so early when my Dad’s not throwing some big party” You told him.

“Does he have parties a lot?” You crinkled your nose and bopped your head side to side as if to say so so.  

“Not as much as he used to.  Now it’s just the small group of us, playing music, eating lots of food, dancing, it’s nice.  A good reason to dress up and have fun but kick back from the stress” You told him.  “I guess I like it better than they used to be.  Loud, lots of drunks.  I remember hiding in my room inside my closet until my mom would come kiss me goodnight and tell me he was shooing people out” You chuckled a little, leaning closer to the window and tapping your fingers lightly against the glass to a made up beat.

“As a rebellious teen, do you want more parties?” Peter asked, mocking a reporter’s voice and making you laugh, shooting him a quick glance.

“I wouldn’t call myself rebellious, but that doesn’t mean I’m a total rule follower” You said.  “For the daughter of Tony Stark, I think that says a lot about my adoption” You said jokingly.

“I didn’t know that” He said, stepping closer to you.  He wanted to look out the window, enjoy the view as you were, but he couldn’t tear his eyes off of you.

“Yeah you can’t really tell unless you look close enough.  We’re really close” Peter smiled gently.

“That’s good” You nodded.

“Yeah… to me he really is my Dad, I don’t go out of my way to use the term ‘adopted’ it doesn’t bother me by any means, he’s just more to me than that.  Pepper too, but she’s the busy one nowadays” You told him.  “Anyways, that’s my life story you wanna share now?”

“Uh, it’s sorta messy” He said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head.  You shook your head, brushing it off.

“I don’t mind.  I’d like to hear it Parker Pete” He chuckled, and licked his lips while he thought of what to say.

“Well, uhm, my parents were killed” He said, clearing his throat.  “In a hijacked plane crash when I was seven… and uh… I’ve been living with my Aunt May and Uncle Ben since then” He told you, avoiding your eyes.  “And not long after I.. well became Spider-Man uh…”

You noticed the way he was kicking his feet into the carpet, a nervous habit, and your heart began to sink as sadness washed over your features.

“My-my Uncle he- he got shot because of me” Your eyes widened and you moved closer to him, your back to the window now and completely abandoning the view you loved as you stared up at Peter with crinkled brows and big wet eyes.  Your hand reached out to grab his without a second thought.

“I’m sure it wasn’t your fault Peter” You whispered, but he shook his head.

“No, no if I’d just been honest with him and had been back to him on time like I said I would he- I would’ve-” You placed your other hand against his cheek, turning his head up to look at you.

“It wasn’t your fault, Pete” You told him softly, keeping your voice steady.  “And I promise if he could see you now, he’d be so incredibly proud of you and all you’ve done” You saw his lips quirk up for a short moment, and you smiled at him.  “I’ve known you for all of a week and I am” You said, and his heart surely stopped in his chest, only to speed up again.

“Thanks, y/n” He said, and you nodded, dropping your hand from his face but kept your hands latched at your side.  “He would’ve liked you” He told you, and for some reason it made your cheeks heat up in a pink blush.

“Really?” Peter smiled as he nodded.

“Yeah, you’d remind him of May I’m sure” A giggle slipped past your lips before you could stop it.  Why did this make you all bubbly?

“Am I like her?” You asked, and Peter pursed his lips.

“You’ve got the same attitude but secret softie thing going on” You quirked up an eyebrow.

“I’m not a softie, I used to be out on that battlefield you know” You told him, crossing your arms over your chest as you’d released his hand.

“Really?” Peter asked, narrowing his eyes and smirking playfully.  “Because you were all worried earlier when I was going to arm wrestle Captain America” You jaw dropped open at him.

“Oh really? Say that to my excellent combat skills” You said with a wink.

“Excellent combat skills?” He asked, and you nodded.

“Uh huh, only reason I’m not out there is cause someone’s gotta make your spandex onesie” Peter looked at you with an offended expression.

“It’s not-!” He groaned, throwing his arms down at his sides.  You let out a laugh and shook your head.

“I don’t know… I mean, I designed it I think I know a onesie when I make one” You told him.  Peter opened his mouth and closed it a few times, and you began to laugh again, your smile bright and your eyes twinkling with delight.  Peter couldn’t even keep up his facade of a straight face.  “Alright, alright, what else? What do I and May Parker have in common?”

“I don’t know, uh, she used to dance with him all the time, when I was little they’d dance around to his old record player” You smiled at him, and bounced a little on your bare feet.  “What? What?” Peter asked as you just kept laughing and bouncing.

“Come on come on” You tugged on his hands, pulling him closer eagerly, and planting his palms on your waist.

“You want to dance with me?” He asked like he didn’t even believe it.  But you nodded, your grin still present as you crossed your wrists behind his neck.

“Yeah” You said, beginning to bite back your smile.

“I-I don’t have my phone so I don’t have any like-like music or anything” You shrugged your shoulders and noted how he panicked a little.

“It’s fine, we don’t really need it” You told him, and you gave him a comforting smile.  “Calm down Peter, it’s just me” You said.

How ironic, he thought.

“Why’s it ironic?” You asked, and Peter’s eyes filled with fear at the realization that he’d said it out loud.  He didn’t say anything at first, his brain still turning and his heart beating impossibly faster than it already was.  You could tell that he was nervous, so you rested your forehead on his chest so that he didn’t have to look at you.  “Peter?” You called when you didn’t hear any answer from him.

“Sorry I-I didn’t know what to say you uh y-you make me nervous” You pulled away, looking up at him with surprised eyes and raised brows.

“I do?” You asked, taken aback by the confession.  Peter nodded, looking from his feet to you and partially wishing that he could drop dead right this moment.

But then you smiled at him, an airy laugh coming from your lips.

“You make me nervous sometimes too Parker Pete” You told him, and a small smile pulled on his mouth, his face red.

“R-really I-I-I do?” He stuttered, and you nodded.  Peter let out a small chuckle, looking down again before back up to you.  You nodded again, your bottom lip tucked slightly between your teeth.  He let out a small laugh, really just a puff of air.

“Why do I? I’m not mean to you am I?” You asked, chuckling quietly and he did too, shaking his head.

“No, no not at all you’re-you’re nice, very nice- to me! To me anyways I’ve seen you have at it with Clint” You laughed again.

“We don’t fight it’s just banter” You told him, shaking your head dismissively and wringing your hands behind his neck.  “Well?” You said softly, still waiting for his answer.

“Well.. uh… well you see you’re very good at what you do- v-very talented” He started anxiously, and the swaying that has been your dancing, halted.  “And-and I think you’re really beautiful” Your cheeks flushed red as you bit back a grin.

“Really?”

“Y-yeah well yeah” Peter said simply.  “And you’re- you’re a genius I mean you’ve got this capability to work with Dr Banner, and you’re my age I-I’d say that’s pretty neat” You let out a soft giggle, your eyes wide with adoration for this boy in front of you.  “Truth is y/n I… I like you, a lot, as-as more than a friend” Your heart stopped in your chest.

“I like you too Peter Parker” You whispered out softly.  I smile quirked on his lips, that turned into a grin within seconds.  You caught his eyes flicker down to your lips, and you licked over them subconsciously.  Your hands slid to his shoulders, resting at the base of his neck and you stepped ever so slightly closer.  His eyes kept looking from you to your lips, over and over and it made you chuckle.  “Well are you gonna kiss me or not?” You mumbled, your stomach flipping over repeatedly.

“Not! He is most definitely not!” You sprung away from Peter, your back and head hitting the window.  “Parker what the hell do you think you’re doing!?” Peter spun around to see your Dad standing there, his arms crossed angrily.

“I-I uh I-”

“y/n, go to your room it’s time for bed” He said, his tone frustrated.

“Dad I’m not six you can’t send me-”

“Bed” He gritted and you stood a little straighter.  You nodded your head, and looked to Peter quickly, waving a short and quick goodbye and rushing out of the room.

[ when you had not touched me yet / oh, take me back to the night we met ]

Peter was pacing in the hallways, contemplating whether or not he should go  back to his own quarters, like Mr Stark had so… kindly… told him to.  Or if he should knock on your door.

He liked you, that part was obvious now.  He liked you so much it hurt to not be with you.  If he’d known what love felt like, he could almost say he was in love with you.  He could sit down and talk to you all day about anything, he could go to sleep at night wishing he’d had just five more minutes.

Maybe if you weren’t Tony’s daughter, maybe if the entire team of Avengers weren’t standing guard over you, like they were all your protective older brothers, he would’ve told you sooner.  Maybe.  Peter Parker was never one for having confidence, in fact, before the suit, he was the shy nerdy kid that no one really knew the name of.  He wasn’t popular, or very out going by any means, but ever since Spider-Man, he had a higher self esteem, pushed himself more.

And he really, really liked you.

So, he knocked.

[ Take me back to the night we met ]

“Peter?” You said quietly as you opened your door.  You had changed into a tee shirt and sleep shorts for bed, your hair hanging down in loose waves hanging over your shoulders.  You wrapped your arms over your chest, trying to preserve the warmth you’d lost when you got out of bed.  “Hey what’re you doing he-” You were cut off when his hands flew out, cupping your cheeks and pulling your lips against his.  While at first you were surprised, you sunk into it instantly and wrapped your arms around his neck, completely melting against him.

When he pulled away you were a smiling blushing mess and all you could hear was your heart pounding in your chest.

“I’m sorry”

“Why?” You chuckled.  “I mean, I’m not apologizing” You said again, and he smiled back at you.

“I just- might not get the chance to do that again” He said, and you nodded, biting down on your lips slightly.  “So-so I had to… just once” You nodded.

“Yeah I… I’m glad you did” You said softly.  He hugged you before saying goodnight.

You would both be okay.

idk the ending makes me feel eh :/ it’s been a long couple of days so i’m sorry about this but this is for @high-functioning-fangirl02 bc of our love for parker pete

(update: the link for the dress didn’t work so here it is)

[momtemplative]

Unblinking Eyes.

It’s an unsettling thing for a child to see their parent really, truly cry. 

I’m always telling my kids that there are no shortcuts through our emotions, we have to walk straight through. But for them to see a vulnerable, lost, weeping woman where their mom used to be—that’s a different story. 

However, we sometimes don’t get to choose when we’ll be summonsed by Big Emotions. Especially during a pandemic. This is a story about that. 

One morning a few days ago, Ruth and I went for a walk.  It was creeping up on wild-hot temperatures but the morning chill still lingered in the trees and on the grass. Ruth wanted to take a different route and I agreed, a new path was in order. We wound up heading towards Opal’s school, the same track we’ve tromped countless times to drop off and pick up Opal over the last five years. I wasn’t thinking about playgrounds (which have been off my radar for months); I was thinking of the extensive row of well-established Russian Olive trees along the parameter of the soccer field. The shade, the potential to run, skip, hop, like dogs doing agility training.

We were met with two big signs saying PARK NOW OPEN. How welcoming, I thought. Then, our eyes simultaneously turned to the playground, Opal’s playground, which, during the average school year, is usually teeming with children. Even during COVID, when the PARK CLOSED SIGNS loomed large, I’d still see a handful of kids playing out there when we walked by.

There it was, in all its glory, baking in the sun (I could practically SEE the germs shriveling to dust and falling to the ground with teeny screams of demise). Outside has always been my safe zone. Add sunshine and social distancing and NOTHING can touch us. The magnetism toward that playground was raw and real, and not just for Ruth, who wanted desperately to play somewhere that was not constrained in the parameters of our walls and fence. But for me, who craved an iota of normalcy.

Can we go on the playground mom?? PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE???

I paused, like putting the fork down between bites, and thought it over—Ruth’s eyes on me again like an unblinking owl.

YES.

How goddam remarkable it felt to be able to use that word with my child, who has been getting the same pull-chord reply about most things for the last many months. Sorry, honey, we need to wait until the virus is over. Sorry, honey. Sorry, honey.

After 20 magnificent minutes of climbing the rope structure (everything else was too hot) and pretending the ground was lava, we saw another kid approaching from the distance with his grandma. It was time to go anyhow, Ruth’s cheeks were scarlet and slick with sweat. An area on the back of my neck was sizzling from sun exposure. (I was not thorough with our sunscreen.) Ruth wasn’t happy about leaving, but she seemed to understand that our turn was over, now it was this little boy’s turn. That’s how playgrounds work now—in shifts.

We took our time back through the shady pathways beneath the Ponderosa Pines on one side, Russian Olives on the other. No bugs yet to taint the crisp pockets of air. We held hands and skipped and scampered and hid like squirrels. There was joy. There was freedom.

As we made our way back home, Ruth noticed a plastic straw on the ground, red and white like a straight candy cane, and she grabbed it before I could stop her. Yuck! I said. That’s trash, baby! No touching. (In our former life, I encouraged picking up trash and throwing it away, but now all I can see is a conduit of dangerous germs. How confusing this all must be for a child!) After our beautiful, sun-sanitized play session, it was the thought of the germs on that straw that hovered over me as we walked back home with our hands-in-pockets so we wouldn’t touch our faces. 

When we returned home, Ruth was delighted to share our morning adventure with Opal. I won’t go into detail, but to say that Opal was displeased would be a wild understatement. Jesse also said he felt like we should talk about these things as a family.

These things. I hadn’t realized that an empty playground, first thing in the morn, in the blazing sun, when the world was opening back up again and people can actually sit in restaurants, was “these things.” The troubled feelings from our household eclipsed a marvelous, playful morning. It made me realize the complexities of this whole pandemic, how we all grapple individually with what feels right and no decision is simple. 

I was in a whirling phase of fresh emotion that screams FUCKIT FUCKIT FUCKIT. How can we possible get it right?? 

I managed to get the girls lunch and to get Opal out the door (she and Jesse had already planned to head to Boulder), a few tears leaking out as if from the bulging edges of a levy, pressure building. I got Ruth set up with a show, safe and sound, and hustled down the hallway into the guest bedroom to utterly brake down. 

The tears weren’t for the playground, or for Opal and Jesse’s unfavorable reaction to us going. The tears were for the months of feeling trapped in a web of rules and regulation that only half the people are following. The months of maintaining some semblance of normalcy for the girls while also saying, sorry honey, can’t do that right now, and the soul-exhaustion that brings. The months of tightness in this house, and at times, asphyxiation. The countless emotions that needed to be closed up and stored for later, like a stunning array of brown bottles, lining the shelves of an internal world, an emotional apothecary, until life provides more breathing room to sift through it all.

To my surprise, Ruth was standing in the doorway watching me sob, naked, but for a pair of tighty-whitey cotton panties, silent as she’s ever been. I wiped my eyes with my hands, gave her a tender smile and waved her over to come sit on my lap. She wanted to sit facing me, like she wasn’t comfortable taking her eyes off me.

Hi sweetie. I bet it’s tough to see mom crying like this. But even grownups have Big Emotions. And sometimes they don’t come at an easy time. Having her little body there was nice, I’ll admit. The tears slowed. 

It will pass, honey. Don’t worry. There was more room for my breath. We gazed at each other for a handful of long, slow seconds— it was as if she was taking in this new version of me, holding up the visual of Beloved Mom next to this collapsed and slick-faced woman.

I said, May I hug you? She leaned in wordlessly, hid her face in my neck—right at the tangle of muscles that give me trouble—those tiny arms around my chest. I was conscious of my hands being too cold on her back as I gently rubbed along the grooves in her spine, fragile as a string of pearls.

Thank you, I said.

She took my hand and we walked down the hall to where her Rapunzel show was blaring to an empty room. Strange-but-perfectly, Michelle Obama came to mind, like the image of an angel or an archetype, so I switched it over to PBS where Michelle was reading, “Oh the Places You’ll Go,” by Dr. Seuss. I hadn’t read that book since high school, but it spoke directly to my insides, as things seem to do when you are ready to listen with your whole being.

By that point, I was still a little peculiar—as if I’d woken up from a long nap in the rain—but settled enough in my own skin, my own pressure valves safely in tact. 

Of course, I wasn’t thinking of it at the time, but every one of these unrehearsed instants is a moment of modeling for our kids. I wasn’t trying to hide my emotions from Ruth, they just felt larger than what I was comfortable with sharing with her tiny, inexperienced being. But it happened anyway, and Ruth got to see that I was finding my way through, bumps and all. And, most importantly, Ruth got to see that I came out the other side, fully intact, ready to tell the tale.

And ready for a hard drink.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.          —Oh the Places You’ll Go, Dr. Seuss.

July 5, 2020